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Hi all,
So my girlfriend and i met 5.5 years ago backpacking in Australia. It was love at first sight. We both said that many times even to others. Anyway, after some wondering what to do including her going back to her Country, Germany, and me staying for a while more, and then me going to my Country Ireland, then back to Oz alone (she followed me back there), we finally settled in Berlin together 4.5 years ago. We had a lovely relationship. Besotted with each other. People always said we looked great together etc.
But life brought it’s Problems. I struggled to find work and when i did i had to go away during the week. I got very jealous when she met friends during the week (many of whom were male, but her friends said that was always her way). We had great Holidays and great times. My Family were her second Family she always said. At the end of 2013 I quit working away and we travelled in Thailand for 6 weeks. We assumed that I would find work again easily.
After a knock back I went downhill with drinking a lot. She got her Long awaited place in medicine studies. She asked me to go to Ireland to try to stop drinking and clear my head last summer. It didn’t work. We had a few good weeks but her Semester break was coming up. She wanted to travel for a few weeks. I had no Money and said that I couldn’t go. Her Girl friends couldnt either. She eventually went with a male classmate. I took that hard but she did ask permission and said she would go alone etc. I now know that there is nothing whatsoever there.
In october she asked me to find my own place so i could see life differently and not be completely reliant on her. That was tough but after a few weeks things were going really great. I stayed with her most nights and by mid November she told me through tears that she loved me and was so happy again. I guess this made me slip. During A few heavy drinking sessions when i was not staying over i would bombard with texts and get angry. Then i made a mistake of texting friends of hers angrily.
That was it for her she said. I needed to sort myself out. It was over she said but she cried so much saying that.
I took a Chance and flew home to Ireland at the beginning of december. I couldn’t stop texting a few Messages a day even when she said stop leading to a few fights.
Anyway, I havent drank in 8 weeks. I found a Job in Berlin and returned here and am working here. I met her a week after coming and I thought I felt that old chemistry. She was surprised at how healthy i looked and i had lost weight etc. even talked about old times. The next morning she text saxing that it was hard to tell me but she had been ‘sort of’ seeing someone for a few weeks. I flipped and she got angry and also pretty upset when I said goodbye. She still really wanted me to be her friend and asked me not to cut her out. But she needed space again.
I havent text in a week.
What is going on? Should I just give her space and see what happens? Is he a Rebound? She did text every few days before I knew with updates on her life and asking me how I was and glad that I was back and comfortable here. Should I do the full 30 day no contact? What if she wants to meet in the meantime?
ThanksI should have mentioned that I am 32 and she is 26. Not that Age difference ever meant anything to us. She was always the more mature one.
If she’s seeing someone else it’s likeky its a rebound. The best course of action to take is to do NC or initiate a false friendship if you’re strong enough for that.
But either way, don’t be pushy, talk about the relationship or get angry with her.
Make some positive changes in your life and start focusing on you.So what is best do you think? Go no contact until she reaches out and initiate false friendship then? Or go the full 30 days? She did seem to jump into this new relationship very quickly
And what confuses me more is that up until Christmas she still sent a few photos. She text me mum a few times and sent Christmas Cards to my Family and some Relations??? Is she just confused also? Recently she got really angry saying that my Family never loved her. Which she knows isn’t true
I think it sounds like she’s confused and is in a rebound.
I think NC would be good. It’s up to you how long you want to do it for.
You guys were together for a long time, it’s impossible to fall out of love with someone that quick.
If you feel like you’re enough to do false friendship without being pushy and bringing up the relationship then go for it but if you think it might be to hard then do a little bit of NC and regain your composure.
My ex is cirrebtly in a rebound and I’m finding it extremely hard to talk to him without being pushy etc. so I’ve now told him that we should only talk when it involves my car (he’s a mechanic).
Although my situation is a little different as he still plans on marryinge and tells me he loves me and cares me about me etc.But I think if you feel you can successfully do false friendship then go for it but if you think you’re not ready yet then do a round of NC and then reach out.
Thanks for that. I think i will do nc for a few weeks more. Give myself time and her time to miss me. I was always there and that sometimes annoyed her. My female friends were really surprised with this new man as they were convinced that she was Holding out for me.
It took me by surprise needless to say.
What do you make of this?;
In October when I first moved out we met with friends. We had a Chat. She said then that she knows that I am the one for her but not the way my head was then. I didn’t have my own life she said. Only when I felt free could we be together again. She said it could take a Long time or a short time, maybe we would get involved with others, but she knows that deep down she wants me back someday.
About 6 weeks later she was saying that she loved me again but was still worried. Could she be in crisis mode now? Pushing me away to improve me? Maybe i’m clutching at straws here, but strangely her sister told me the exact same Thing just as I left for Ireland in December. She doesn’t want to lose you she said, but love can be shown in different ways.Hey, I would start with the NC their is no doubt that she still loves you but is afraid to go back to the negative side of your relationship which is the only thing she can think off! negatives always way out the positives.
You need to start NC to let her start missing you and the positives in your relationship, she is no doubt in a rebound, she would have been lonely after you left and he was there, their will be nothing in it.
She is acting angrily with you by stating that your family didn’t love her as her way to justify the ending of the relationship.
@caz15
Thank you so much for your reply. That makes me feel so much better. But false hope could also be detrimental?
Anyway, I’m doing stuff now that I never dreamed I would do. Trying out tonight for a role in a Play with a Drama Group here.
I always got the Feeling that she still loved me. I could see it in er eyes last week. No contact will be easier now because of your help.Thanks again
Always have a little hope! it’s brilliant that you are doing things for you and getting back to the person she loved.
By using NC it helps with your improvement.
It is hard but we are all here in the same position, it gets easier as the days go by! If she contacts do not respond, if she texts again and say “I need some space at the moment, I will be in touch when I’m ready”. Your not being rude but truthful and see will start to wonder why.
What about her even saying that we could never go back? Is that Anger also and her justifying things?
That’s just anger and her way of pushing you away for her space.
My ex has said the same to me but I have not contacted him in 14 days and do not have him on any social media! I hope he is thinking why haven’t I heard from her but if he’s not I will wait until I’m ready to contact him.
I guess so. I hope this thing with the new man finishes soon. It could be already for all i know. That is the thing I can do nothing about. But she has exams coming soon and is studying hard. Maybe that will put an end to that?
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