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Boards No Contact Rule Could really use some help.

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #71853

    Nmay11
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    Good afternoon all,

    First off,
    Let me say happy new year to all that have taken the time to read my post.

    I’d like to start by giving a bit of backstory. Me and my girlfriend broke up about 7 months ago. We dated for about 2 years, but I knew that she was the one for me. I had never felt this way about a person before, and I think I started to become and anxious and scared of the situation I was in. About a year and a half into our relationship, I started to become controlling. I started to develop anxious thoughts, not just about her but in general. I had trouble going to crowded bars with her and honestly, I’m not totally sure why. The only thing I knew for certain is I was so madly in love with this girl, that I was petrified of losing her. Which I believe is the reason I became controlling, and I let minimal anxious thoughts take control of me.

    We broke up and I was completely devastated. I was shopping for engagement rings and truly thought she was the one. But I was so blind to how I was acting that I didn’t realize she was hurting. If I ever get a second chance with her, I finally know what it would be like. I would never act like that again, and i mean that in my truest of trues.

    During the first few months of us being broken up we played on a Rec sports team together. It was tough but I tried to act like I was okay. After about four months I broke down to her saying I loved her so much and I can’t keep pretending I’m okay. We talked and she said she’s happy being single right now. It killed me. She then proceeded to quit the team. Me and her have minimal conversations every once in a while. But I miss her every single day and I would do anything to get her back.

    I restrained myself from reaching out to her on Christmas and New Years. The last time we have texted was 12/22.

    What is my plan of attack here? I know she doesn’t see it right now, but how can you blame her? I was terrible for so long. But we were so so so happy before I started acting this way and I know if I get a second chance, I will never descend into those terrible actions again. I never thought I would care so much about a person until I met her. I know for certain that even tho there are plenty of fish in the sea, she’s the fish for me. My friends tell me try to move on, but I won’t quit on true love. I refuse.

    #71860

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1923

    @nmay11 – You might feel like it’s true love, but right now that’s not the way she feels. She was very hurt by your controlling behaviors and too many arguments. If you see her again or if you get another chance, before you say or do anything, think about how it would feel if someone said or did the same thing to you!! If it wouldn’t feel good, don’t say or do it! Be more positive, supportive, and kind. Have you tried asking to meet lately? If so, what did she say?

    #71863

    Nmay11
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    I completely agree. I have most certainly learned my lesson when it comes to the controllingness and everything. It kills me that it cost me her. I hate it every single day.

    I have not asked her to hang out recently. I feel like we should establish some sort of base conversation before we get to that. Correct?

    #71865

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1923

    @nmay11 – I’m sure she was thrilled to hear you’re no longer addicted to video games and it seems you’ve reflected on what went wrong and made other improvements too. Please don’t beat yourself up over the past mistakes because those things are in the past and you can’t go back and change it. Yes, it would be great to establish communications before you ask to meet her. Maybe send a text or email and ask her about the holidays and how she’s doing for starters. DO NOT mention the past, because I think she already knows you’re sorry and that you’ve been improving yourself. Your note should be positive and upbeat. Just be sincere..
    Take it a day at a time and I wish you the best:)

    #72156

    Nmay11
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    Just wanted to update this.

    So I reached out to my ex with music from our favorite singer that came out. We had a very brief conversation including the holidays and such but that was it.
    A couple days ago she texted me “I know this is probably a long shot, and feel free to say no, but would I be able to borrow your sisters snowboarding boots for a couple days”

    I deliberated a while because I didn’t want to feel like I was being used because she knows I would do anything for her. Eventually I decided to say “sure perhaps I can give them to you over lunch or something” she said that she was leaving the next morning but we could do lunch when she comes back from her vacation and returns them.

    So she came over to pick up the boots 2 nights ago and we talked outside and joked around for a few minutes outside (both of us smiling and laughing a lot, but all of the conversation leading up to us actually meeting up felt very platonic) but after she left I texted her and said she may want to consider a helmet if it’s anything like last time we went. She joked about a few things and then said she needed to go to bed because she was leaving early tomorrow.

    I guess the reason I’m writing all of this is because I’m asking if any of that means anything? And how I should handle lunch? I know this is the girl for me, and every time I see her, see that smile, and hear that laugh, I know that she’s the one and I fall in love even more.

    #72182

    Nmay11
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    I think we’re doing lunch tomorrow.

    Any input on this?

    Thanks!

    #72184

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1923

    @nmay11 – If you have lunch with her tomorrow, be very kind and sweet. Be upbeat and maybe give her a compliment or two, but don’t overdo it. If she asks about your improvements, tell her about them. DO NOT mention the relationship or getting back together, unless she says something about it first. At the end of the meeting, (maybe even at the beginning too) tell her it was nice to see her, you enjoyed the conversation, and give her a goodbye hug. Good luck!

    #72241

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1923

    @nmay11 – How did the meet up go?

    #72263

    Nmay11
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    She didn’t get back from lake placid on time. So we’re going to lunch this coming Friday. I’m incredibly nervous for it.

    #72378

    Nmay11
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    Tomorrow is my lunch with ash. I’m super nervous and all indications are that she’s coming into this from a very platonic place. I’m worried that this is essentially just to appease me and it won’t go anywhere.

    Is this normal of me? Is it normal of her?

    #72379

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1923

    @nmay11 – Yes, it’s normal. Remain calm and don’t go in with any expectations. Just enjoy the time together. Wishing you luck:)

    #72382

    send_me_your_memes
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 18

    @nmay11 I recently met my ex girlfriend for a cup of coffee, which is turning into a dinner date this weekend – I know exactly what you’re going through. Here’s how I’d handle it (a bit of a read).

    First, it’s important that you remain calm. You aren’t really looking to rekindle your old relationship, you’re looking to create a new relationship with the new and improved you. If you seem spastic (or controlling like before) this will turn her off a bit. She has to be attracted to you. I know the stakes are high, and you’ve been wanting this for awhile, but you have to remain calm. What helped stop from stressing was actually a somewhat defeatist attitude – I’ve done what I can, she’s liked me before, I’ll just be myself and if that isn’t good enough for her, I can move on. Whatever you need to tell yourself to not freak out, do it – this is absolutely crucial.

    Second, like @patricia12 said, do not mention anything about the past relationship, the breakup, how sad you’ve been, or getting back together. I know it’ll be in the back of your mind, and probably hers too, but don’t bring up anything negative, at all. Be completely positive the whole time. People are attracted to other positive people, tying back to the above – you need to reattract her. Plus, if you mention these topics, and she isn’t mentally there yet, she’ll further dig into her heels of not wanting you back. It takes time to make her want you again.

    Third, keep it short and casual (strive for about an hour). Think of how a TV show that ends with a cliffhanger makes you anticipate the next episode…this is the feeling you want to convey. She’s impressed and attracted to the new you. Great! It’ll make her want to see you again for when you actually ask her out. But…

    Fourth, don’t make this completely platonic – make it somewhat flirty to rebuild sexual tension and interest. I’m not saying take off your pants, and you probably shouldn’t even try to kiss her at the end, but graze her shoulder, be playful, if she says something sad touch her hand to let her know you’re sorry, etc. You should also do whatever you can to look your best. Possibly even smell your best too, cologne would be a good idea.

    Fifth, do not ask her out on an actual date at the lunch meeting, unless you’re absolutely sure she’s interested. The reason for this is that she’s probably not going in hoping to date you again, but she may know that’s your goal. So, when you impress her with the new and improved you, she goes from a “no” to a “maybe”. But, you asking her out and putting her on the spot is a turn-off, making it less likely she says yes. Conversely, you not asking her out then and there surprises her, possibly makes her think you aren’t interested (people want what they can’t have), increasing the likelihood she says yes. So, I’d recommend asking her to an actual date either via text or phone call in a day or two.

    Good luck! Stay calm, and know that if this doesn’t go according to plan, at least you finally have closure and can move on to different women.

    #72404

    Nmay11
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    So I just had the meet up with ash. It went kind of like a reunion of old friends more than anything else. We caught up with what was going on in each other’s lives and talked and joked a bit. Lasted about an hour. But it was very platonic. I don’t feel like she opened a door for me romantically or anything. It’s so hard seeing the person you love in the flesh, and not being able to act on it.

    #72406

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1923

    @nmay11 – It sounds like it was a good meeting. I think it’s normal that she would not ‘open a door’ this early. If she agrees to talk on the phone and to see you sometimes, you will get the chance to show her you’ve changed for the better. The controlling and arguments are still in her mind and she probably thinks it would continue if she got back with you. She needs to trust you that things would be better. Then she might consider reuniting. Did you give her a hug?

    #72410

    Nmay11
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    I did.

    I just worry that our texting and conversations (aside from in person) lack substance. I miss having her in my life.

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