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Posts
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I think what everyone needs to keep in mine is that he did want to see me. The thing is I had gone off on him which upset him… and then he wasn’t over that yet so that’s what led to his cold behavior. Before that it wasn’t cold.. Only after I went off.
also I disagree that it’s doomed. We both have a lot of work to do. And his actions like not being able to stay away from me, adding me back, looking at all of my stuff… his heart and his mind are in two different places. His heart wants me but his mind is unsure bc of how it was before. Yes he loves me based on how he can’t stay away from me and things he told me. This ex knows my trust issues and wants nothing more than for me to trust him. I am incredibly good at catching people in lies and I have done thorough investigation and he is not lying. I’m creepily good with computers, I know my way to find stuff out. everything he has told me has ended up to be true. I no longer want to go back and forth about this because in my heart I know he loves me. I mean the guy last time I saw him kept saying it over and over again whispering it sweetly to me… and then one time I didn’t hear him and he said it back saying “I said I love you”
He also has said I know that he loves me and that I know that when he is angry he will come back when he is less angry. This has always proved to be true even recently he has shown this as well. Also I don’t understand how you can think he has no interest in you when he does.. he wasn’t ignoring me and he got cold when I upset him and I didn’t let him cool off. He also sent me a video explaining why he couldn’t see me when I asked.. and it was all true. In addition, people could have said the same to him that I’m not interested. Heck, I so many times refused to date him and would kiss him and such. Most people would say that I was playing him. In reality, I was not.Also I did NC for a month… you must have missed that part. I am capable of it and I am strong. I have come a long way since the start of this. And my ex reached out to me bc he wants to get back together. However, my roomie and @finntoga were right that he wasn’t ready to talk. I didn’t listen and I went off on him, upsetting him more.
I do believe he will come back soon and will meet up with me in person. This time I’m going to make him ask though. We both have personalities where even if things are bad we hold on to each other… it’s not exactly healthy but this isn’t all cut and dry. Anyways, some of these replies aren’t helping my anxiety at the moment. While they are simply opinions, what I don’t like is opinions being listed as fact. And he is still the same person. He has anger issues. I’m okay with that bc he is working through them. He gets irrationally angry and shuts down, talks to no one… simmers if you will. While that is not healthy, little by little he has communicated what he really feels… like he did last week. Yeah, I’m sure you would say I should find a guy without those issues however one could say the same about me. I have an eating disorder that I’m in recovery for, anxiety, and depression. I act irrational sometimes and this man has always come back for me even if he gets so upset. We talked about trust issues last week too. I know that’s what hurts him and that’s what upset him Tuesday which led him to block me. It’s pretty much a 50/50 fault thing. My roomie has witnessed all this since the very beginning. She has seen both of us at our worst. She agrees it was not healthy and she was honest and said she felt like we were getting back in the cycle. She believes that he needs space and that he does have strong feelings for me still which can be supported by things he has said and him getting angry so easily… I’ve done the same. Yes, it is not healthy right now. But yes, we do love each other. We both cannot move on. We talked about it last week. He was still considering me as his gf even when not together. Once again, not saying it’s healthy I just am trying to broaden the understanding. @dragongirl put it nicely before when she said in roller coaster relationships there’s a lot of love.
The issue is can we work it out. Can we get over our past and start over and break this cycle.
@finntoga thank you for your honesty and expressing your feelings 🙂 I am trying my hardest. I agree a month wasn’t long enough… I should have listened to you last week when he came back yet again bc we knew he would. I know he does care for me and want me and love me. The issues is if we can both let go of anger and unhealthy cycle.“I think what everyone needs to keep in mine is that he did want to see me. The thing is I had gone off on him which upset him… and then he wasn’t over that yet so that’s what led to his cold behavior. Before that it wasn’t cold.. Only after I went off.” I’m sorry, but if he wanted to see you badly enough, you going off on him wouldn’t have put him off. Or it might’ve put him off until he cooled down, but that wouldn’t be big enough to cause him to outright deny all offers of plans you’ve made since. I’m sorry, but it’s true.
“Also I don’t understand how you can think he has no interest in you when he does..” And I can fairly safely say the exact opposite to you. I am not trying to be rude here, but you need a serious wake-up call. You are in deeper denial than anyone I’ve ever seen and you’re only hurting yourself here.
“She believes that he needs space and that he does have strong feelings for me still which can be supported by things he has said and him getting angry so easily… “ Your roommate also is probably incredibly biased at this point to telling you what you want to hear. As are my friends. Nothing he has said or done thus far seems to indicate anything more than the fact that he is willing to talk to you. Him getting angry COULD be a sign that he is hurting and misses you, but is more than likely out of annoyance, confusion, not understanding why you keep playing these games, feeling creeped out, etc.
Yes it put him off until he cooled down and he has not yet. It takes him a few days – a week to cool down.
I am not in denial and I don’t appreciate you saying so when we have had conversations recently and he has expressed his feelings for me and wanting to get back together. then we fought, he’s angry. get over it.No my roommate is not biased. She has a degree in psychology and is really good at viewing stuff objectively. He is the one that added me. I would ignore him then he said more to me… I’m not playing games and if I am then he is too. He reached out to me wanting to get back together. Then we fought.
And no, he also got angry when I said I live chatted with another guy. Angry and incredibly jealous. This was last week. In addition he talked about us together and said I was his. Also him being the one who reached out to me and initated most at the beginning of next week…I doubt he thinks I’m playing games or creeping him out. especially bc he views everything I post and checks if I have viewed his.Anyway, I’m going to get off of here bc I have better things to do than argue with someone who doesn’t know the whole story.
I may post in like 1-2 weeks with an update bc knowing him he will have cooled down by then. He literally leaves situations bc his anger issues are so bad and he doesn’t want to hurt me. So he shuts down and waits til he cools off. I went off on him multiple times in a row and that makes him angrier. So he needs to cool off. That’s what it is.
If you cant tell, with him I over analyze and freak about every little thing and sfmake them seem bigger than they actually are. I exaggerate the bad and omit the good. Not a good habit. Not sure why I do it. But seeing now I need to no longer do that.
He has waited a whole month for me and reached out bc he couldn’t take it. He’s imperfect. So am I.
Anyway no need to reply. I may or may not come back in 1-2 weeks if even at all.
I’ve read the whole story at this point. God knows why I spent my time reading this entire thing, but I did. You are in denial and you are hurting yourself. It is as simple as that. If you don’t believe any of us when we say these things, why do you keep coming back here to seek advice? If you don’t owe us anything and think we don’t understand or know the full story, then why continue to try and explain/justify this to us? In the long run, if you believe it, my opinion doesn’t matter. Neither does Finntoga’s or dragongirl’s. We are simply responding to your posts and trying to give you an honest, blunt opinion about your situation. You are wasting your time if you are hoping people are going to tell you he’s in love with you and everything is going to work out. And as I said, if you truly believe it, why do you have to justify it to us? Your belief should be enough to get you through the day and through our opinions without having to argue against all of them if you truly believe what you say. But I don’t think you do. I think you come here because you want us to coddle you and support you and tell you what you want to hear, it doesn’t happen, you don’t want to believe what we have to say, so you argue against it. If you truly believed what you say, you wouldn’t have to argue for it against strangers on the internet. We are trying to help you and prevent you from suffering. You are missing that.
Exactly Brokenhearted I said dont believe in your relationship unless you both do the work and not just you. Because the cycle wont go away unless you both learn the relationship skills needed and start from beginning the relationship forgetting the and letting go of the negative bits in between and that is why it has to be with no contact and you did not quite make it to the 30 days remember? : ) But you have not been that fair to us either we can advice you based on what you tell us and you did not mention any of these conversations it was always about you being upset one thing or another. Yes you decide what you tell us but if we do not have the facts we can only go by what you tell.He needs some serious time to work on this things and you contacting him continues the cycle if you genuinely believe in this relationship and him then why cant you trust that and let it be for month or two so that he can concentrate on himself and you can concentrate on you. You both unraveled at a such a fast speed that if you get back together in next month or so before you really have worked on it I dont see anything but repeats of this cycle. You know I was right before when I told you to give him time to get over anger and you ignored that. I dont have an agenda here unlike your roomie who is your friend and lives with you and I also said friends are too close to the situation why you want to hear all she says is because she says things you want to hear. She cares about you and cannot be objective unlike me and Dragongirl who have no vested interest in this other than wanting to see you becoming strong and have self confidence .I told you long time ago that I do not doubt his feelings for you, I doubt his ability and maturity to be in a relationship and you know he needs to stick around during good and bad times. You have this cycle of behaviors you both resort to and then you behave like children and that is what helps to feed your insecurities so you are like two enablers for each others bad sides. So for your own sake please now stick to the nc and do the work.
Brokenhearted-I hate to say this but the girls are right. Your ex is treating you like a toy girl on the shelf. He plays with you when he wants to and then puts you back on the shelf. His words don’t mean anything and he can say that you are his and that he loves you but only to keep stringing you along. He knows exactly what he has to say to get you to believe him. It’s wrong on every level that you are allowing him to treat you like this. What are you hoping to gain by sending him random e-mails? What are you saying in these e-mails that will turn this situation around? The guy you are in love with is not the same guy that continues to play with your heart. You have to make a decision whether you want to listen to our advice or whether you want to slowly crash and burn this pseudo-relationship. That’s exactly what you are in-A pretend relationship where the guy isn’t interested at all in acting like a boyfriend. He’s more of an online chat buddy that you are desperately trying to turn into a real life boyfriend. Both of you bring out the worst in each other. He has you in a sort of limbo where you feel uncertain about his love. NC would be the best chance to get you out of this hell that all these snapchat messages have created. But you won’t listen to us. My honest opinion, your ex has you as Plan B. He knows what being in a relationship with you is like and he knows that a lot of parts totally suck about being your boyfriend. That isn’t to say that you aren’t a wonderful person, but just that it’s way too hard to being with you. And so he’s going to string you along to keep you as Plan B until he finds a girl that is a better match for him. I’ve seen this hundreds of times before Brokenhearted so I speak from experience that my readers have shared. He isn’t serious about getting back together. He’s just saying all the right words to keep you hooked on him.
All three of us with experience with guys and relationships know how this is going to turn out..So whether you return or not Brokenhearted, we know where you and your ex are heading. You can do a lot better than trying to turn a guy into an awesome boyfriend-in other words, life is too short to put up with all the shit and misery this mess is putting you through.
So I didn’t read all of everyone’s post. @finntoga I read all of yours and I 100% agree w you 🙂
I don’t believe he has me as a plan B Bc of stuff we talked about. He literally wants no one else and has told me about this. Boy goes home and watches Netflix just like I do… Anyway I’m not just on his shelf. He does love me and I know that. He currently is angry and time will tell. Last week everyone said he had strong feelings and I don’t think much has really changed just usual fight happened and like finntoga said we fell back quickly. Anyway I feel a bit guilty Bc I hung out w a guy that likes me today and had a blast. He knows about the whole situation as well. Also no offense @between but you are in a situation of your own and I feel like that bias doesn’t help. Regardless I want to prove he doesn’t have me on standby Bc I know he does not. He simply is not ready and we both were immature and fell back. Also we talked last week and he talked about how long it has been and stuff about us moving forward which shows he still has viewed us as an item this whole time.
Anyway I’m gonna get off here for a while. I also feel like if anyone is not interested the first one to be not interested would be me.i have processed and expressed more than he has. Also he takes being a father very seriously and sets and example for his son who he has custody of. He doesn’t engage in relationships he’s not serious about anymore. He doesn’t play w people honestly he would be really hurt knowing that was assumed of him. He doesn’t keep people on the shelf. He has let every girl know if he will not pursue anything w her. He steps forward the moment he suspects anything. With me he has only said stuff about us back together and acted like we are. Anyway He communicated last week I’m the one he wants to be with. He couldn’t txt Bc he is using work phone..: that’s why it’s snapchat Bc it’s an app that allows you to text and does save the same ways. I’ve had a lovely day today and I know finntoga is right with what she said. His feelings for me should not be doubted. I think he is serious about getting back together and was not ready. He contacted me too soon Bc his heart couldn’t wait anymore. Anyways I will be fine regardless of outcome. I’m going to continue to work on myself. When he does txt me again which should be soon, I may or may not post it. Also this time I will respond less and not initiate like finntoga suggested. I don’t plan on coming back for a bit to help me get focused on other stuff so wish you well!
And I’m not trying to argue against anything I just want people to have a full understanding. I can be like that about the smallest thing. I do believe what I say I just don’t leave things hanging when people seem to misperceive. With all my heart I will not sign on for a while now 🙂
Also I come here to write things out Bc I have an eating disorder. If I didn’t express my fully exaggerated terrors and fears then it would eat me up and I would end up eating nothing or everything trying to numb myself. That is honestly why. @finntoga suggested a journal. I will do that. I honestly don’t need a response on some stuff it just helps me to get stuff out there. I don’t want to fall back into my bulimia.
Also here’s another example of my insecurity and why I repeat things
Today the guy and I talked about this game we play on our phones. I have a better score I joked saying I’m better
He joked saying I’m not and then even though I knew I was better I let what someone else said affect me and got more insecure asking him wait seriously!? Are you serious…?Something I need to work on but hopefully that helps explain my thinking process a bit. I will be the first to admit I struggle w mental health so that is a part of why I justify things etc and post and come here. Anyway imma take a break from here too 🙂 I will come back possibly eventually with updates but emotions are high as are theories and such and I agree w finntoga he has feelings and we both are being immature falling back. Anyway best of luck to everyone!
Uhm…. You seem to pick and choose the things that I say and only the parts you like. I said I don’t doubt that he has feelings for you but I have repeatedly expressed my concerns of what kind and his ability to be in a mature relationship so please do not twist my words into something else.And I have to say I think this responding less is mistake so you yet again said one thing like you will do nc but then now you say you wont. Ok, whatever I wish you good luck with it.
@Between is absolutely spot on @Brokenhearted.
Everyone here indeed is going through a tense period of their life where their relationship is either crumbling to pieces, has ended or is in the process of recovering.
@Between and the others are not trying to gang up on you, they’re giving quite impartial advice/suggestions/feedback.
I haven’t, however, read through all the thread, so I can’t be too sure … but it does seem from @Between’s post that you’re finding it hard to accept the reality of your situation.
You are waddling pointlessly in the mires of denial and bargaining.
Please think about yourself!
In ten years as a writer, this is one of the saddest situations I’ve ever seen. You are being mistreated and instead of putting a stop to it, you justify his behavior with any excuse that reflects the fact that he loves you. I can even sense the uncertainty in your voice as you post your words. As angry as he is there is no way that a guy that wants to repair a relationship would be playing these really stupid games. Unless you open your eyes, you will never get the relationship you want. You refuse to face reality and what is in front of your face because it is too painful to accept the breakup so you blindly continue in your psuedo-relationship. And clinging to any sign that he is serious about a relationship. Like I said, we all know how this will end…its very tragic but its true
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