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I need some advice. I’m trying to do No Contact but I have to work with my ex, which is making this extremely difficult.
He broke up with me completely out of the blue in the beginning of November, after 4 months together we were pretty serious. We had never had any fights or arguments, and as far as I could see everything was perfect. We spent so much time together, and when we weren’t we were constantly in contact. We were so serious, after being best friends for nearly a year before getting together, that we were planning things for the future, budgeting so that we could move in together. I never got a hint that anything was wrong.2 weeks before he broke up with me was my 21st birthday, and he treated me like a princess, buying me an infinity ring and telling me we were forever and always (a saying we frequently used). 1 week before he drove me and my family (with whom he got on extremely well with) on a 4 hour round trip so we could go shopping. 3 days before we had the most passionate night, we were so in love I’m failing to see what went wrong. The day before he broke up with me he told me he needed some space, and I spent the whole day crying because I was without him. On this day he text me first and I replied, though the conversations felt awkward. In the evening he text me saying he felt like we were at two different stages in our lives, to which I replied saying that I’ve told you I’m willing to wait for you because I love you (we had said I love you a lot). The next morning he text me saying he just didn’t feel the same way about me as he used to. I was distraught at the sudden change and was so angry I told him we couldn’t ever be friends. After thinking it over the next day I got him to meet with me, but he still couldn’t give me any answers – to all of my questions he basically answered with ‘I don’t know’, and just said that he didn’t feel the same as before and he didn’t want to try and work it out. I realise I made a mistake, because I was so confused as to why the relationship ended I sent him many messages after this asking him to talk so that I could understand and get some closure, which he initially replied to asking what I wanted to talk about but when I wasn’t specific and told him I wanted to do it face to face he started to ignore the messages.
The problem is we ended it badly and we have to work together in retail so I constantly see him. I’m trying to keep away to give us both time to heal but it just isn’t possible, especially over Christmas. I have sent him messages asking to chat to sort out our working relationship but he ignored them. Now at work everybody constantly comments to me how awkward it is between us. He was even blunt with me when I asked him for help with a customer query. I spoke to my manager about our situation who had a word with us separately, the outcome being that he was willing to be civil at work but didn’t want to talk to me.
I am now 13 days into no contact (since the last message I sent him) but I am struggling to work with him. There’s just so much awkwardness where we both try to ignore each other.
He is 2 years younger than me, do you think he finally got scared by the emotional commitment?
Did my needy messages push him further away from me? Have I ruined my chances? I’m losing all hope 🙁Any advice on how to deal with this, and how to proceed would be great
@Liss321 – Even though you were friends before getting into a relationship, 4 months of dating is not nearly enough time to get to know each other well on a deeper level. Budgeting in order to move in together is definitely moving too fast! It’s always best to take a relationship very slow and then when it’s obvious you’re compatible with each other (usually about a year), maybe start making long term plans. The beginning of any relationship is always exciting, but you mentioned CONSTANTLY being together or in contact, which isn’t a healthy thing to do. I might be wrong, but I have a feeling you asked for or wanted this kind of constant contact more than he did, and if this is the case, it showed your neediness, even if he was willing to go along with it. You both should have taken more time apart to do other things, such as focus on college or career, family and friends, etc.. He felt you were at different stages in life, which is perhaps a gentle way of saying he doesn’t think you’re compatible enough for the long haul. He perhaps came to this conclusion slowly after spending so much time together. Even though he was behaving lovingly and you thought it was a sudden change, he had these thoughts and then he finally got up enough nerve to tell you. Don’t contact him for at least a month or more and do the best you can to be polite at work.
@patricia12
Thank you so much for your reply.
I get it now, we moved too fast and spent too much time in contact. We only ever spent two days of the week actually together, fitting around work and me being at uni – the rest of the time was always texting.
I also realise I was quite needy, but he never said anything about this? He said he liked being the person that was there for me
After the month should I apologise for my needy behaviour both in and after the relationship?
We had a weird moment at work yesterday, we both kind of just stared at each other for a few moments – I know this probably doesn’t mean anything but it made a change to him not looking at me at all at work@Liss321 – Too much texting is a sign of neediness! People have other things to do besides typing on the phone constantly. He needed and wanted more breathing room even if he didn’t express it. Believe me, your neediness got on his nerves, but he didn’t say anything probably for fear of causing you to get upset or hurting your feelings. If you haven’t apologized already, yes you should. Don’t read anything into the staring incident. Just continue no contact outside of work. Be strong and don’t give up hope yet. But you have to let him have more space for himself in the future! Let him be the one to pursue you, don’t chase him.
How long has your no contact been?
@patricia12
Back to normal at work – his way of dealing with this seems to be to pretend I don’t exist, today he don’t hold open the doors he walked through when I was behind him with my hands full!I’m 16 days into no contact – should I break it to apologise or wait till the end? And do I need to do this face to face? I feel like if he is pretending I don’t exist then he will just ignore me.
Thank you so much for all your advice
@Liss321 – Wait until no contact ends to apologize. Yes, you could do it in person, but don’t say you’ll wait for him again. Don’t be concerned about how he acts at work; he’s probably just feeling awkward and doesn’t know what to do or say. It will take time to show him you’re not needy anymore. Wishing you good luck and remember to take things very slowly if you get another chance..
@patricia12 – I need some more advice. I managed to get through 30 days no contact without giving in and I have tried to work on myself, but I am stuck with what to do next.
He hasn’t contacted me, and I feel like if I contact him he will still ignore me. He told one of my friends just over a week ago that he doesn’t want to talk to me at the moment, do I need to give him more time?
But his behaviour at work is confusing – since he told my friend this we keep making eye contact and I have had people say he is glancing at me, but yet he still ignores me. He also joins in on group conversations in am in, which makes me feel awkward because I am so confused over his behaviour, and I tend to withdraw from the conversation. I don’t want to overanalyse what he is doing, but I don’t know how or when to take the next step.@Liss321 – Since he doesn’t want to talk, send the apology by text or email anytime now, but don’t expect a reply. He will read it and think about it whether he responds or not.. Then go no contact again outside of work. Apparently he felt smothered by too much texting in the past on top of seeing each other twice a week. Don’t try to analyze what looking or glancing means because you’re wasting your time trying to guess. Yes, I can understand how you might feel awkward in the conversation group, but try your best to act natural. Where does this group meet and is it necessary that you be there? If not, you could drop out, right?
Good luck and keep your chin up:)@patricia12 – I’m thinking of sending him a text this Friday to apologise for being needy and pushing him for answers, I’ve got a the week off work after this so maybe it will give him space to think about it?
He’s being really cold again at work, yesterday we kept accidentally almost walking into each other and as a reaction I apologised and he just walks off pretty quickly, and he always seems annoyed at me when I’m at work, which other people have noticed too.
Even just in the staffroom when we are both in there together, yesterday we sat in an awkward silence, which people then commented to me afterwards.
I dropped out of going out for drinks with my work friends because I knew he was going to be there – I really wanted to go but I felt like he was invited first and it would only annoy him if I went too.
His behaviour just isn’t changing and it’s frustrating me at work. I don’t understand how he has done this to me and yet he doesn’t seem to be able to deal with it? Did I hurt him too much by pushing for answers after the breakup? Even so the last time I pushed him to talk was over a month ago, can he still be annoyed at me for hurting him??@liss321 – He gave you his reasons for the breakup and even met up with you to talk about it again. You have to accept his reasons as your closure! Yes, you could send a short apology on Friday, but don’t whine, beg, or ask for another chance. His behavior at work shows he is very annoyed and is trying to avoid any further melodrama. Your very presence at work and the bar constantly reminds him of the difficulty he had trying to convince you the relationship is over.
I really need your help. I never sent him an apology on Friday because they put me in to work on my week off, so I was going to do it today, but he has deleted me off of Facebook today before I got the chance!!
I don’t understand why he would delete me off of Facebook now??I don’t know what to do now because I had the perfect apology all prepared and now I can’t send it to him! I still have his number but I’m guessing he probably blocked that too.
I know it’s silly but it’s really upset me and I really don’t want to have to face him at work now either
What hurts the most is that I was going to send this as a final thing of getting it off of my chest and then if I got nothing back I was going to try and move on, so now I’m stuck
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