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@Belle somewhere earlier today you talked about how important it is to be emotionally independent, and that it’s important because there will be times in your life where you need to use these skills.
That really hit home with me, because I am someone who easily gets distracted or looses focus on my goals when something happens to disrupt my emotions. If there is any lesson in this for me, it is to learn how to not fall off balance when life gets hard. It seems like you’ve got some experience here, do you have any tips?
Thanks for creating this new topic! I actually agree. I think its really healthy and good to be able to be emotionally independent – something I am definitely getting stronger at through this break up.
@aphrodite in reflecting back on my relationship I think I behaved a bit like a doormat as well. My ex always treated me well but I did catch him in stupid lies more than once – talkingn to different girls etc. He never cheated and I always just excused it saying he’s houng and won’t be serious about anyone besides me, but still not okay! He also wasn’t always the most dependable boyfriend. He would sometimes cancel plans last minute or would choose hanging out with his friends over me. Going forward if we reconcile, I know I will not put up with this anymore!! Now that we have broken up (something I always wanted to avoid) I see I can be okay and will only be with him if he truly treats me how I deserve! Although I do think the reason for his behavior was because he always struggled with wanting time to be single so hopefully if he comes back he will be 100% committed because he will have decided it’s our relationship he wants!No problem:)
Yes I’m working on it too but I still start distracting myself instead of being productive because I’m not feeling “up to” getting things done. I’ve got to kick that habit of avoidance.
@atea1234 I’m very glad you’ve realised this and that you won’t allow it again! Sure something can be understandable (him being young) but it doesn’t make it right. I get the impression that you are a very nurturing, empathic and understanding person. This is fantastic! However you have to make sure you’re not too understanding, because people will walk over you if you let them. And letting people get away with something bad teaches them that it’s okay to treat you this way, there aren’t any serious consequences. You are worth more than that and it seems you’re coming to that conclusion too:)Nice fresh page….good!
Ok, when I say learn to become emotionally dependant it’s not that someone can tell you how to achieve it or what to do. You learn it through life experiences and especially you Atea1234 who is the youngest out us three (I think!). You’ve probably heard life is full of ups and downs. The downs is just that, like what we are all going through right now. But I’ve been here before, but worse. My ex (who came back) treated me so bad, then dumped me like a used tissue! (Lol). I had not many happy memories but how I chased him, put up with him the lot. When he left, I was in a sorry state. I lost so much weight, I could function it was awful. I never got over him, not even when I met current ex.
Life’s lessons there. I never let my guard down from then on, I couldn’t let my current ex 100% close becAuse of the pain I had experienced.
It’s not a good thing as probably it’s just that that has contributed to my ex leaving.
The good thing is that this time round I’m not suffering like I did before. Yes I’m sad, unhappy, lonely, missing him…but I’m functioning and I do have the odd laugh now and then.
I’ve learnt never ever rely on someone 100%, if you do you will be let down and hurt. Learn to have your own life away from your partner because if the unforeseen ever happens you know how to live life. Be financially independent, have money tucked away somewhere safe. Twice in my life I’ve needed to get my hands on money pronto to get me out of situations.
It’s not being sneaky, it’s just I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet even in a relationship. I know exactly how ex partners can get, grabby, verbal and out to hurt anyway they can.So Aphrodite, you say you get distracted and lose focus when your emotions are effected. We all do. Life’s lesson is that be prepared to know how you are, don’t get hard on yourself. Allow time and always have a back up plan. Even one day when your blissfully in love again with ex or someone new just have that plan B in your head.
We are in a life lesson right now, everything we learn we take forward. Not putting up with being used as a doormat is one! Learn to be emotionally independent is another. Look after yourself.
Except I know all this! My mistake was maybe not giving myself 100% to current ex and not getting over old ex before moving on.Sorry for waffling on!
@ Belle no sorries – I love your waffles!! Haha.
Yes Atea is the youngest here, I’m in my late twenties. I was in a sorry state like you describe when my ex had left me, but it’s getting better. I still have plenty of moments though where I just don’t want to face life, and I distract myself by watching series. Sometimes I still wonder if I’ll wake up and it will all just have been a bad dream.
Like you’ve experienced too, I fear I won’t let anyone close to me on the same level ever again. It is so true that if you rely on someone too much you will get hurt. I really appreciate this advice, with the money also!
I am probably too hard on myself. My lessons have definitely been to not be so friggin’ afraid of loosing the other person but act on my self respect, to be more emotionally independent, never loose myself in a relationship. Really appreciate your wisdom Belle!Feeling better than yesterday, but still very sad today. I can’t wait for this pain to go away, but unfortunately I know these things take time! It will probably take me years. I don’t imagine I will ever get over him, really.
Aphrodite,
If worst case scenario happens and you guys don’t get back together, can I make a suggestion. Have a special place in your heart for him, you can take him out of that place, think about him, smile, laugh, cry or what ever emotion you have at that time for him and when you’re done but him back for another time. Don’t let him overtake you’re whole heart. Just a small place for him and allow a much bigger proportion for other things and people in your life.Let me tell you briefly about this old ex who I let him walk all over me because I loved him.
When he ended it which was only after 2 years, I as you know was beside myself but the biggest ever feeling I had was this massive gut instinct. I just knew he would be back. Over the months initially he would call me in middle of night, put phone down without saying hello, to calling me reasonable times to be reasonable. He never reached out to meet or anything. I remember asking him one time he rang after about 2 yrs apart and he said it would t be fair on his gf (gutted). The calling carried on over the years and one day, coincidentally after I had a dream of him, he emailed to meet up! I nearly fell over!
Well, we met and sparks flew! It was amazing and I was right about gut instinct.
All the time he was with this new gf he still thought of me and contact me randomly.
Sadly after the initial few weeks of meetings I soon saw the incompatibility we always had. We are still friends, he texts me a lot these days and he’s a nice guy but nothing compared to the compTibilty my current ex has with me. I would never go back to old ex ever. It would never work so rather have him as a friend. But it goes to show the gut instinct, i just knew he would be back.If I can get over that ex, you can get over yours. The he will be back! Haha
I forced myself to date, I met a few guys to which I had a fling with and that made me feel attractive again and wanted even though they were shallow relationships. It was good to move on.But I’m not saying you’re not going to get back with your ex, I’m just telling my experience with heart ache. You do get over it, you will never forget him but you will move on and be in a much better relationship because you evolve as a person.
I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get back with my ex. I think I will stay single for a long time. Nobody will match him even though he’s a complete arsehole at times! Lol@belle and @aphrodite, i appreciate all the wisdom from your experiences!
i actually do not think my life revolved around my ex at all. we had a long distance relationship for years while we were at separate universities, so we very much had our own separate lives. we always had different groups of friends. i really liked hanging with his and he really liked hanging with mine, but they were very much different groups which I’m thankful for now because we haven’t run into each other out since the break up. i also have always had my own hobbies and a very close relationship with my family, and so has he. because of our young age we never lived together so my day to day activities have been pretty much as they were before the break up. i just miss talking to him throughout the day and before bed and seeing each other at night and on the weekends.
ive also come to realize its not really being in a relationship that i miss – i feel ok on my own actually. i just really miss him as a person. i miss the way we acted towards each other and just overall how we were together.
i agree with what you said @belle. i can’t wait forever but he will absolutely always have a piece of my heart. we very much grew up together and he knows more about me probably than anyone else in the world. i have that gut feeling you were saying you had before, but i can’t wait for two years! i ended up having a fine day today. i just miss him and wish we could talk and go back to things. but he made his decision and I’m trying to respect it and give him his time and space and just hoping he comes back sooner rather than later. also I’m glad to hear you went through heartbreak and came out on the other side – it makes me feel better that even if my ex doesnt come back then ill be okay either way!
@aphrodite you are spot on! my therapist says the same thing. i am almost too nice and understanding sometimes. going forward i really need to make sure i establish boundaries and although its ok to be understanding, i need to make sure I am treated well. i actually do understand his desire to explore others though. i can’t say i felt i wanted the same because i didn’t, but he did and i can understand why he did feel this way. i just hope my gut feeling is right and a few months from now he will decide he’s had enough time away. i think right now I’m just having the hardest time fully moving on because he told me he wanted to be back together one day. i wonder if thats still true and how I’m supposed to let it go knowing he said that to me. ugh getting more frustrated by the situation day by day and i think i still have months or years to go!@belle, you were absolutely right about them making contact when we least expect it…my ex just texted me tonight! this is the first time since we broke up in september that he has actually reached out to me first…trying not to get over excited but feels pretty good!
First of all I just want to say thank you for both being understanding.
Family and friends don’t see how I can want him back after how he treated me, and tell me to “just” move on. If only it were as easy as that!
@Belle I appreciate the tip! That is definitely a good suggestion. Right now he has taken over my whole heart and it would be nice to just have a tiny box for him in there instead!
Thank you for telling me about your past ex. That’s exactly how I feel, regarding the massive gut instinct, it’s so strong I feel like it cannot be wrong despite reason and common sense saying otherwise. I know I have to trust this feeling because I’m so much better off if I do, and just go with the flow knowing one day it’ll happen. I hope I can discover like you did, that you would never go back to him, due to finding someone more compatible. He’s an a very good person on the surface but twisted at his core (due to suppressed emotions I think), and only I would witness this (and a few other people that weren’t close to him). I could never completely figure him out, and as he lied so much it became impossible to know what was genuine and what wasn’t. Coming into my life it was the perfect fairy tale and he was the perfect prince. I always wanted to go back to that. Hearing you have been through something similar and managed makes me feel a lot better!Considering you saying that nobody will match your current ex, do you not think that is how you felt about your past ex also?
I’m planning on staying single for a long time too. I can’t know for sure but I imagine your ex will come back to you as he’s in no way indifferent.
@atea1234 what happened with the text??Yes listen to your therapist, there has to be a balance between understanding and letting yourself get walked over. I’m glad you’re discovering this:)
It’s good to realise that you’re fine on your own but that it’s just him as a person that you miss! And there you go, he’s missing and thinking about you too!@Maria thank you:) How is your situation going?
Aphrodite,
I too am guilty of not communicating but sometimes frustration or anger gets in the way.
My ex and I would have arguments and I would ask him to go and leave me alone. It’s was down to lots of things like, to give me space, he would be over powering and just wanted him to leave me alone. As it was my house and he held no responsibilities over it he would go off and have to stay with his mum or somewhere.
We tried to resolve this issue by buying a place together. I felt quiet a burden that the house was all down to me and bills etc and he could just walk away at any time.
So when we argued that was my first knee jerk reaction. We always made up through and be always came back.
We were days away from signing the house contract to sell my hoes and buy together. We were so nearly there!
So like yourself sometimes we act in away to see what they will do rather than verbally communicating. All sounds simple but in reality it isn’t.As for the gut instinct I had with old ex I don’t know why I felt it so strongly. The relationship lasted 2 years and he was an arse. He treated me so badly but in a push pull way that tormented my emotions. Like yourself my friends did t know why I bothered with him. I guess I loved him even though he was no good to me. Something inside tells you it could be better as the love is so strong. Sometimes loving the wrong person is just soul destroying and you need to go through so much turmoil to get through it all.
That feeling is different to my current ex. The whole relationship was different. When I began seeing him, it was not because I was knocked out by looks and lust it was because I saw this really nice, kind, funny person who I really enjoyed being with. I saw how much he loved me and considering the old ex was still running rampage in my mind I thought let’s go with this and see where it goes. So in 8 years we’ve been through so much together and had so many experiences.
So the longevity was with my current ex not with old ex. I guess I’ve got a gut feeling about current ex coming back but I’m not sure if that’s just a cushioning effect that my mind is playing on me. It’s a different gut instinct, old ex was more of love lost he will come back and current ex is, we were so incredibly comparable he has to want to come back.Atea1234
The text! We need to know all. I hope you’re playing it cool!Oh dear I used to do that. I would tell him I didn’t need his help, when really I wanted to test him to see if he would still offer it. He didn’t, and I would get upset. I would back off and go cold to see his reaction. But really that’s what NC is partly about anyway lol. That’s another lesson from all of this! Verbally communicate what you want… Don’t drop hints and expect them to know everything.
I am so sorry that you were so close to getting a house together when it fell apart. It was similar to me and my ex. We were renting together but he got a new house and was debating whether or not to let me live there with him, though it’s not the same as intending to buy a house together. It must be very frustrating, I can imagine.
My ex sounds like the merging of your two exes! He was tormenting me with being hot and cold towards the end, but before that we had a (fairly) stable relationship. Lots in common, and we were like two peas in a pod, inseparable. High passion and we matched very well intellectually and with our interests. We shared similar goals too. Like your old ex there was passion and lust, and like your current ex we loved just being in each other’s company and could laugh and talk about anything and everything for hours.
My ex is like two people in one. On the one side he can be very nurturing, caring, loving, cuddly (more than me), funny (hilarious actually), full of passion, extremely romantic (he used to write me poems and did other crazily romantic things that would impress you even if it was in a romantic film). On the other hand, he’s jealous, competitive (won’t be happy for my success), callous, selfish, vindictive, strategic, controlling, manipulative, lies through his teeth, and is the coldest at the times he’s needed most. He is by far the most conflicting and complex human being I have ever come across! Every person I have talked to regarding his behaviour all say the same, that he’s the most confusing person they have heard of. It seemed like he loved me a lot, but was jealous and resentful towards me at the same time if I somehow received positive attention from others. Whenever I really needed him in my life, he would give me a cold shoulder. I think he has a great fear of having to be responsible for someone else’s wellbeing when life gets serious. He was always there and more than happy to help for smaller problems but always backed off from the big problems.I fell in love with the parts of his personality I described first, but unfortunately he comes as a package deal only. I kept hoping we could talk through things in order to resolve the emotions that were contributing to his bad behaviour. In many ways this guy is like heroin. Gives you the highest high but also the lowest low, but in the in betweens we were just great friends who could talk and laugh about anything.
I wonder if his weed smoking has contributed to how he appears to lack a lot of empathy. He promised me he would stop many years ago, but I’ve accepted that it’s something he won’t ever give up.
I believe your gut feeling is right, even if you don’t. But as you very well know the gut feeling doesn’t say anything about WHEN! You’ve already decided to give yourself a limited time before you move on, and I think that’s very clever. I know you don’t want to waste time not being happy like you did with your old ex, which is great!!
Sorry for the long ramble about my ex. He’s just so confusing as a person!!!
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