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The short back story to this:
We’re both 25, we’ve been together for 2 years officially, and we recently broke up over a built up mountain of unaddressed arguments. She is career-oriented, so she has a ton of responsibilities on her plate as she does full-time work and is a part time graduate student also, and she has mentioned she does not want to half ass a relationship. She tells me that she has received little to no emotional support from me and she feels guilt tripped into doing events sometimes. She even mentioned that she felt relieved once she broke up with me. Unfortunately, I recognized it was my fault for being complacent and not giving her what she needs, but I recognized it too late. I know she has problems addressing her concerns with the relationship as she keeps a lot to herself, I know what I need to do to improve myself and make it work, but it seems she has become numb from these arguments and unaddressed issues. She has told me that she does not see a future with me anymore and she just doesn’t like me like she used to.My first question is, do you think the 30 day NC will still work even though she has bluntly told me that she doesn’t like me anymore and does not see me in her future? She says she hasn’t lost all feelings for me, but yet I sense a very, very cold vibe from her. I am afraid that the NC will confirm her feelings of not wanting to be with me anymore.
Second, I have started the 30-day NC for a couple of days now, but we have a Christmas get together with some of our mutual friends in December and it will be before the 30 day minimum. If I am not comfortable on the day of or just before the date, should I still go? And If I do go, do I send her a small message her prior to the get together?
Lastly, she ordered something for me and it comes in 2 weeks. If she offers to bring it to me, do I reply to her or ignore her? If I reply to her, do I just tell her that I need more time to process the break up and heal, I will contact her when I am ready?
@kneechan – I’m so sorry to hear your story. Did she tell you what she meant by “emotional support”? IE: what you could have said or done to give her that support. It’s something that’s desired by everyone, but the way it’s shown and meaningful varies from person to person. And in what ways did you display complacency? Actually, too many arguments whether addressed or not, will lead to unhappiness and resentments. She may have said she doesn’t see a future with you anymore and that she doesn’t like (love) you the way she used to because of the hurt and disappoint she felt when you were together. Feelings faded because of the hurt. But that doesn’t mean all her feelings for you are gone; they’re just overshadowed by sadness. She was and is very busy with work and school, so being unhappy in the relationship just added to any stress she might have been feeling. The cold vibe is most likely her way of protecting herself from feeling guilty for breaking up with you or her way of pushing feelings aside in order to get on with her life or both. The 30 days or more of no contact will give her time to miss you and remember more of the good times and possibly consider reconciliation. Love can usually be re-kindled if both want to renew a relationship upon a better foundation of good communication and talking about the wants and needs each other. When needs and desires aren’t met, the person becomes disillusioned and unhappy. If you think the Christmas party will be awkward for you, then don’t go. You don’t need to send her a message if you decide to go as she would probably assume you might be there. The same applies to the gift, if you think either of you would feel awkward to see each other in person, let her know you need time like you said. If you receive it through the mail, just send a short thank you text to let her know you received it and maybe make a comment about it. It’s really up to you as to whether you can handle seeing her in person so soon after the break up.
@patricia12 It’s okay, thank you for replying. I asked her what her definition of emotional support was and she didn’t even know herself. She did know, however, she didn’t like it when I got mad at her. I know, at times, she was feeling super stressed out from her school and work and I got under her skin even more by getting mad at various things. I realized this as she was describing how she felt as we were breaking up. Unfortunately, I realized too late but I am determined to win her back. I have been reading up on how to be less passive-aggressive and less condescending, because I don’t want my loved ones to feel like they’ve been emotionally abused by me. I believe her lack of communication of feelings also was brought by her lack of confidence in being able to express her feelings to me, because she’d just feel like she would receive a negative outcome.
what do you think when someone tells you they actually felt relieved when they broke up with you? Because that’s exactly what she told me.
I do believe she is hurt and numb from the pain I caused her. She has mentioned that she doesn’t even know if she wants a boyfriend right now. She just wants to do her and she wants to be able to hang out with friends and family without having to worry about another commitment. My question is though, if she were to fall back in love, would the end result be different? As in, instead of looking at this relationship as something to worry about, it’s something that comes naturally and something you have to take in account anyway? It doesn’t make sense to me.
I am definitely putting the 30 day NC into effect, I feel much better because of it actually. I was actually able to eat a full meal earlier. The sinking feeling actually came right after I finished eating, but it was gone after about 5 minutes of it.
I have to say that I have learned a lot throughout the past couple of days just doing some researching on how to improve myself. After all, if I can’t take care of myself, how can I expect to take care of others? I believe I displayed signs of comfortability and complacency when I allowed myself to not do the little things anymore. If I kept her emotions and wants in check, I believe I wouldn’t have gotten to this stage.
I will keep you updated with the gift and the party as the days roll by…I believe it’s a decision that I will have to make when the time comes. At this point, overthinking it is just going to drive me nuts.
-kneechan
@Kneechan, sorry to hear about this 🙁
I think @patricia12 has put across very nicely all the points for you! I faced a similar situation and it did not turn out in my favor. Good to see you’re putting the NC in effect immediately since it is going to help the two of you to clear your heads.Arguments and fights are natural in any relation and its good to read that you realized what went wrong there and how to plan to address it!
One suggestion I have given others too on this platform I would like to share with you also, excuse me if it doesnt resonate:-
– During a fight a woman is pouring her heart out and most women keep it inside for long. So let her get it out and DO NOT answer back if you really love this person. They will cool down after a bit. Say sorry. Get her chocolates, flowers and make her forget why she was angry & fought.
– After the fight she is calm, ready to listen and realizes how much you cared for her during the fight. She will listen to what you say now and then you can discuss about the issue (due to which you fought) very calmly. Keep praising her patience to listen. DO NOT put her down.
In your case, she will only come back when she notices that change. Emotional support is a VERY BIG thing for many females. Your gf ( or ex) is stronger than most but definitely is dealing with a lot of responsibilities and reached her break point. FOCUS real hard on how you can transform yourself in to a better person. Take motivation from her comments. If you truly love her then you owe it to her to improve that part of your personality. You never know how it will reward you 🙂 but it surely will!
About meeting her at the Christmas gathering, it could be a good opportunity to show you are emotionally stable (if you can be by then), respect how she handles so many things, make her feel relaxed in your presence ( I mean she should not feel awkward interacting with you or anyone else around you). Its a really good opportunity for you to showcase change and impress her. That being said, DO NOT talk about your relation. Let her notice and she’ll figure a way to talk sooner or later. She is enjoying her breathing space, let her enjoy that. You love her and that itself is a good reason to let her enjoy in her own way. Make her fall in love with you, instead of making her feel guilty again.
Hope I could help 🙂
Sorry for any words that might have hurt 🙂@amcee Thank you for the reply. I’m sorry to hear that it did not work out in your favour, I really wish relationships weren’t so hard 🙁 I really hope this change will bring her back to me, I know it’s not supposed to be for her, but part of it is for me as much as it is for her since I want to salvage this relationship.
Thank you for your suggestions, amcee. I totally agree with you, and I do believe that I am too quick to defend myself or my opinions, which leads to arguments. This breakup has led me to a great deal of self-actualization, my only wish is that I would’ve realized it sooner. You’re right though, I owe it to her and myself to improve my personality. At this moment, I think I will go to the Christmas party, because I believe I will be emotionally and mentally stable by then. Even for the past week of self reflection and improvement, I have already felt more at peace with myself. I will be my own goofy self and have as much fun as I can, and try to make her fall in love with me again!
I have a question: If either amcee or patricia12 or both can answer, what if we have a mutual whatsapp group? Do I still talk normally to others and pretend everything is normal? Or should I just message these people privately and talk in a separate individual chat? I don’t know if by me talking in there, it will affect my progress. She hasn’t been speaking in there, but she’s still there.
@kneechan, I lost her cos of family and not exactly our fights. She was emotionally blackmailed over a period of 18 months which led to her taking a decision to break up. Even today as we chat here, she contacts me with a heart smiley while she is in a rebound situation which her family approves of sadly. I know that she is going to come back but it’ll be at a time which will be way more difficult than the current situation. We both love each other way too much. Am using the word “lost her” everytime to make myself heal faster. In all honesty, am making myself emotionally, physically, morally more stronger for the return.
Coming back to your situation, keep in mind love & fear are the strongest emotions humans face. Your ex has faced both and fear has taken over currently. You need to demonstrate that her love has managed to change you for good. Not temporarily. If you truly love her, her happiness has to make you more happy.
My next example might not exactly resonate with you but it did work for me:
– Think of how much your mother/ father loves you and cares for you.
– Am sure there have been plenty of instances when your words/ actions might have hurt them and they also give it back sometimes but in the end they still care for you whenever you’re feeling low or down.
– They are willing to let you go even if they are feeling hurt but want to see you happy.
– Now, think of your ex as your family (even if not officially on paper). Love her no matter what she does, where she wants to go. That is true love. When people realize and see true love, they find a way to come back. Some times it can be late but they do come back. Depends on circumstances.Being loved by the person you also love is a very rare and blessed GIFT one could ask for!!
Firstly, prove to yourself that her love was an inspiration, motivation to you. You cannot convince anyone else until you can convince yourself first. I dont think true love wants to see their partner miserable. She would not only be overjoyed to see you change into a better person but also figuring ways to reconnect after noticing those changes. BUT those changes are not going to come by over thinking over small things like Christmas party, Whatsapp group, etc… Be a man and take EACH & EVERY situation as a challenge to show her how much her love has helped you in evolving into a better human.Whenever you think of her, you should have a smile on your face and the will to face any situation which ensues. If you cannot muster that motivation then its not worth trying cos you’ll again end up hurting her back and true love should not that hurtful and insensitive.
Had read a quote somewhere which basically meant the following:-
I dont know why I should fight for you but when I think about you I feel I can go to war for you.I simply took the meaning as “love is my biggest motivation, not my reason to give up”.
On the whatsapp group, dont make it awkward for either of you by commenting anything insensitive. Just be casual and dont try to get her attention on that group by being too goofy. She is wanting to see a mature you, remember that. If you can define that fine line between being goofy and mature, she will notice it. Improve yourself, forget & forgive every fight/ argument and see the positives and build them in yourself too. Every moment.
Sorry if the intensity was a bit too much in this reply 🙂
@amcee It’s okay, we learn from our mistakes, and I think it always takes something drastic for us to fully realize what we have and what we need to learn. I really hope the rebound situation works in your favour, but only time will tell. I, for one, am super grateful I have this to share my feelings with those who are in similar shoes as I. You are correct, I am all for improving myself and making myself emotionally, physically, and morally stronger. Reading and playing sports has really driven up my mood!
It’s funny how you use the mother/father example, because that’s exactly the same example my coworker used to describe this ordeal with me. I do love her, and I do want her to be happy, seeing her happy does make me happy, which is why I will take my time getting her back, because she is worth every single second. Not to mention, it will give me time to sort myself out and show not just her, but everyone that I am improving for the better. Her love and lack of love has both hurt and motivated me to better myself, so I am eternally grateful.
That is a really wonderful quote…that may just be the motto that I’m looking for to sum everything up. I never understood what people meant when they say you gotta fight for love…but I think I understand it a little more now. It’s actually a fight…but it’s an internal fight with yourself. Temptations to give up, temptations to break NC, temptations to move on… It’s all a big war. I guess it’s true when they say you are your own worst enemy.
Anyhow, I am very thankful for this conversation and I will continue onwards with life. To better myself is the goal…but first I must take the gut wrenching journey to get there.
One last question before I head to bed…Since Christmas is in the spirit of giving, and our NC stops in about three weeks…should I even think about getting her a Christmas present? Just as a caring friend, not even an ex or a boyfriend. I know exactly what she wants, but I’m just afraid that she’d feel obligated to get me something too, and I don’t want to scare her away. Thoughts?
Glad could help in some little way and thanks for your good wishes too 🙂
Regarding your question, you’re right, Christmas should show the spirit of giving too! In your case, try not to make it a materialistic giving, instead give her a real gift, a changed you, a better you, a mature you! For all we know, this NC period might have a surprise for you 🙂Dont overthink about Christmas and what to gift her physically. Remember you fight with yourself everyday to improve! Some times, even a warm, heartfelt hug can do a trick which no other gift will, so you never know what will be a good gift to give for Christmas!
Just be patient on the outside, maintain your calm and paddle like crazy under the surface to evolve into a more attractive personality. Make her fall in love again, not guilty!
Good Luck!!!
@amcee Haha it’s a long shot, but only time will tell! So what you’re suggesting is I should not get her a gift…but more of a showing that I’ve changed for the better? I also don’t want to come on too strong if I give her too big or too long of a hug…What I usually do with people is just that I give them a brief hug and say nice to see you.
I am paddling like crazy but the mornings are the worst >< I wake up and it’s always a sudden realization that she’s not my girlfriend anymore and it just hurts. I’m usually quite a positive person, but this thing is nothing I’ve ever imagined.
I was talking to a mutual friend today, and he tells me that she seems like she’s been doing well and she feels like she has a lot more free time. I’m happy to see that she’s finally less stressed and that she has more time to do what she wants to do, but at the same time, it kills me on the inside that I was the problem for her. It may be a front, it may not be, but if she is indeed happier without me, I’d be so torn.
Another little thing I do want to know is, I have something of hers still. She doesn’t really use it, but it does belong to her. She mentioned it to a friend jokingly that I still have it, but I don’t know how much of a joke it really was. As she doesn’t really use it but I have more of a use for it, should I even consider giving it back to her? In the case that I do give it back to her, I don’t want to break NC, but at the same time, how do I give it to her without doing that?
Thanks,
KneechanAm not saying whether to give a gift or not. Christmas is still more than a month away. If she contacts you first on a positive note then may be you can think about the gifting else I wouldn’t suggest doing that.
The hug was an example to show that it is not possible to gauge right now what could click when you meet her. Could be a gift or as simple as a hug.
I can imagine the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and realize what you lost…but if it makes you feel any better, am sure she also misses you the same way. Just that right now she is hurt and feels free cos of the new found breathing space. She needs to put up a strong face in front of others cos not only she is a strong woman but also she cannot afford to become emotionally weak. So cut her some slack cos as much as she misses you, she has responsibilities to take care of.
She talks to friends about her stuff, etc cos I feel she wants to somehow get to know about your well being from the mutual friend or some information. She will not directly contact you so soon cos she has felt hurt, deeply.
The NC period works better when you really work on yourself. Just know that she does miss you and if she aint dating anyone yet then you do have a window of opportunity if you make those amends soon. If she does not use the stuff which belongs to her but is with you then dont bother about it right now. FOCUS real hard on yourself during this period. Everyday you either build yourself or remain stuck at the same point which means you’re not an attractive option for her. So decide for yourself if you want to wake up being motivated to get her back (knowing she still misses you) or do you want to just sink yourself in the sad, lonesome feeling.
Love ain’t easy! But its worth putting effort for till the last moment!
I understand that she may be hurt and that she needs to uphold this strong demeanor of hers. It makes sense but I’m still not certain that’s how she feels. Every day, another conflicting thought pops into my head. I’m so scared that she’ll find her single life so enjoyable that she just won’t care for relationships any time in the near future. Especially with someone so career-oriented, I feel like she won’t let her feelings take over what needs to be done.
I know that if I present myself as a confident and changed man, she may see me in a different light. But how am I supposed to show her that I’ve learned not to be as passive-aggressive to the ones I love? I don’t normally show my passive-aggressive side unless it’s triggered by others who really annoy me or by those I’m super comfortable with. All I have will be my words, and nothing to show for it. I could let her know that I’ve been reading books on improving myself and how I treat others, but how well will it connect with someone who may still be hurt? I don’t want to miss my window of opportunity…I know it won’t last forever, yet I still want to give her free time and space, which is what she was yearning for in the beginning.
I’m not as sad as I was anymore…I can actually eat more and I feel mentally stronger with every passing day. I know love ain’t easy, and it requires a lot of hard work and dedication, I’m just curious as hell what she’s up to right now and how she feels. Why must NC be so hard even when you’re preoccupied with things?!
People do enjoy when they get breathing space.. be in in a relation or being single! Jealousy, possessiveness, getting clingy is normal in a relation but over a period of time if not taken care of then leads to fights, arguments and more which cramps the breathing space.
Currently you cannot do anything to make her leave this feeling and come back running to you. The fear of suffocating in the relation was real for her. Am sure she misses you. During the NC period use your social media to some effect to portray you are changing and become better. Not to make her jealous (although she might become a bit). Dont message her direct in any way. Post it for public view or something. Just throwing ideas here.
Sometimes, it helps when they either see a person accept flaws publicly or get to know through mutual friends that the other person has changed for good reason. You know your girl better and can decide what she would appreciate more.
NC periods are hard but they are the MOST reformative! One who comes out stronger from it has a lot more to look forward to life. Obviously your chances of getting back with your ex also enhance!
I understand that people enjoy having time to themselves and the lack of it may generate fights. I think a healthy balance of both space and hanging out with each other is essential, and I believe that in my case, we might’ve given each other our free time and not enough for ourselves. As busy as she gets, I am equally as busy, but we still managed to find time for each other.
It’s really a kick in the butt to know that I was suffocating her and not allowing her to be her true self in front of me. I deeply regret my selfish self, but I am so grateful to be able to speak to people who have the ability to help me get back on my feet and look at things from a positive perspective. I think change in myself is something that she would definitely enjoy, but it still hurts me to this day on what she thought about the relationship before the break up. I know it’s a long shot, but I really do hope this NC works and I can get back into her good books. It’s such a struggle every day, but I think the mental fortitude that I build is going to be that much stronger by the end of this.
Recently, my friend posted a picture on social media and I know for a fact that she has seen it. I have the biggest smile on my face and I wore a new sweater knowing that I might be taking a picture! I know it isn’t really showing her that I am changing and becoming better, but I think it does make it seem like that I can live life without her. Although it wasn’t directly my picture, I know she saw it. This sucks because there were a few couples at this gathering and I missed her so much when I saw their love. I think it helps me generate more motivation to get her back and also to be the best I can be.
On a side note, I am eternally grateful to you, @amcee. You’ve been helping me through this day by day. I really hope I can be able to help you as much as you’ve been helping me!
Am just trying to help love win!
I would suggest dont try to keep her in mind when you are involved in some activity (with friends, gym, work, etc). When you’re alone I can understand it becomes difficult to avoid thinking of her and it is okay to do that. It is not bad to remember how much you’re capable of loving someone. It is healthy till you keep in mind that you are capable of loving and making positive changes.You’ve to not only change that side of yours but also forgive yourself so you can actually start afresh! May be with her only!!!
Being in school, being hit upon by a lot of other people, assignments, tests, etc can be taxing at times. Mutual friends can be useful during this period in a LDR while you maintain NC.
Just repeating again, make yourself a more irresistible personality and it will be noticed by her surely.
Thanks for acknowledging some of my extra long suggestions and if anything, just pray that I get back with her sooner!! Lets call me ‘M’ and her ‘C’!
For you, I always hope you not only get awesome but also get back with her !!Hi there
First I want to thank you guys for sharing your stories, @kneechan, @amcee. Reading these stories really help me processing my problems. My girlfriend dumped me last weekend aswell and I am really down since then. I really want her back but she doesn’t want to give me a second chance. The story goes as following: My girlfriend texted me that we really needed to talk. She said that she was coming over to the place where I live. We had some little fights and discussions lately and I really thought she just wanted to talk. When she was at my place she texted me if I could come to her car. I found this weird because why wouldn’t she come inside. I went to her car and stepped in it. We started talking about our problems and discussions lately but not for long. She suddenly said that it was over and that broke my heart. I started crying in her car and a few minutes later I stepped out of her car and started walking to the end of the street where I live in. It was dark and it was raining alot. I didn’t noticed in the beginning but my ex girlfriend was walking behind me. I found that really weird because I got out of her car and she could’ve driven away if she wanted to. But she didn’t. She walked behind me in the rain all te way till the end of the street where I was crying against a tree. She came to me and held me in her arms. She said that she knows it sucks but that I really need to move on now. Then of course I made some of the deadly mistakes. I begged her to give me a second chance, not only then but the days after it aswell. But she didn’t want to give me one. She told me that I had to text my best friend which I did whilst crying and then she waited until my best friend was with me in the rain. Then she left. Like I said I made alot of these deadly mistakes the days after it. I begged her for a second chance. I even asked my mother if she could call her mother to talk. She was very mad about that afterwords. Now one week has past and the days after it she was really mad that I kept begging for a second chance. I just really want her back and I really think we are made for eachother. Ok we had some fights and discussions lately but all about things that can be fixed. At the time she needed me, during her exams, she was very stressed and she said that I had to leave her alone which I did. But actually I had to stay and I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most. Now I see all the mistakes I’ve made but now it’s too late. I really want her back though and that’s why I started following the advice on this site. I started the No Contact period a few days ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I am 20 years old and I am studying at the university. It’s really hard to focus myself on anything at the moment and I don’t know what I need to do now. I’m really going to make some serious changes to myself and I really want to make this right. But I do have a few problems. We study at the same university so chances are that we really accidently bump into eachother because it also happened in the past when we were still a couple. What do I have to do then? Do I talk to her or do I ignore her? Or when I see her first do I really need to see that she doesn’t see me. Another problem where I tought about is when I send her a letter after a month. What do I say? In the article it sais that I need to tell her that I made some real changes to myself but that I don’t have to give her all the information but just enough to make her interested. But what if she doesn’t text me back? Or is she definitly going to do that? But then I need to talk to her a bit and ask her to grap a coffee. What if she does not want to do that or again is she definitly going to say yes on that offer? What do you guys think?
Regards
Simon
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