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It’s so hard because all of my friends know of our relationship and how good of a couple we were. Whenever she comes up, I have to repeat myself to the friends that don’t know, and that just makes me sad all over again. It’s not something I can control, but I have learned to just speak the truth and take it as it is. There’s no way around it, and the only thing I can take away from all of this is becoming a better me. Thank you for the words of encouragement!
I understand those factors are taxing, but I don’t know if I want to ask our mutual friends how she’s doing and whatnot. I’m afraid it’s just going to get back to her and I’m also afraid of these sinking feelings resurfacing again. If word gets back to her about me, I only want her to know that I’ve been doing well without her, and that I am improving myself. It’s not so much out of spite than it is proving to myself that I am a strong and confident man, with the ability to rebound after a loss.
Good luck M & C! You can always rant in here if something happens, I will do my best to help and offer a piece of my mind. 🙂
Hi @Simon, welcome to the chat! Thanks for taking the time to read our long and drawn out chat, it really helps declutter your mind and hopefully think a bit straighter.
It sounds like from your story, that she does still care about you, but something (Possibly stemming from your arguments and discussions) has drawn her away from you. Very much like my ex, it may also be due to the fact that she needs time and space to herself. Why I might interpret that, you might ask? She followed you in the rain, she held you in her arms, etc. People don’t do that if they don’t care about you. If it makes you feel any better, at least she followed you, mine just drove away as I went into my house after she broke up with me. xD
Personally, I think you need to be stronger and not beg anymore. Begging for her love will only push her away more because it makes you look weak and pathetic. And like Kevin, amcee, Patricia, all have said, but not in these exact words; nothing makes a girl more giddy than confidence and strong emotional stability. Begging is the total opposite of that. Grieving is part of the process, but you gotta be able to understand that in order to get her back to the point where she loved you, you have to become the man she fell in love with in the first place. I’m sure you didn’t go up to her and ask her to be your girlfriend with a crying face and droopy shoulders back then.
If seeing each other at the university is inevitable, I would say to just suck it up and embrace it. Say hi to her with a smile if you both see each other, just to be civil. If you see her first but she doesn’t see you, it depends on you. If you are in NC, I would strongly go against it, just because it’s something within your control.
If you really want her back, you have to show that you are capable of change. It’s going to be a gruelling process. You won’t be able to eat, sleep, or do much in the next week or so because it is a gut-wrenching feeling. But think about it this way: Using the NBA, losing your girlfriend is like the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3-1 lead to the Cleveland Cavaliers, in which the Cavaliers won the series 4-3 in the NBA Finals. It was a gut-wrenching experience for them, and they were super sad that they lost. Now, if you were the GSW, would you say “Oh shit, I just lost the series, I’m just going to mope and be sad”? Or would you acknowledge the fact that you blew a 3-1 lead, but come back stronger next season with a better team (AKA Kevin Durant joining them in the offseason)?
Even with your new additions (New clothes, new confidence, etc), that’s not going to guarantee you a victory. But it DOES give you a better chance at going all the way and winning the ultimate prize if you were put in the same position, up 3-1 in the Finals. Think of the 82 game season, and 16+ games in the playoffs as part of your process, with the championship (your girlfriend) as the ultimate prize.
Lastly, I would not even worry about the letter and meet up yet. It drove me insane just thinking about it when NC was just recently implemented. Take this time to get to know yourself; what you’re good at, what you need to improve on, and be truthfully honest with yourself. Only you know yourself best, and only you know what you can do to impress the girl of your dreams. You got her once before, you’re ahead of the pack because you know what she likes and dislikes already.
Good luck, Simon! We’ll be here if you need to talk.
-Kneechan
@kneechan, she called up yesterday and asked to meet. We met, she was happy n then cried a lot and confessed she always has and always will love me and that she has put herself in a bigger mess by going ahead with a guy so soon (and set an engagement date too).She confessed she does not get any feelings for the guy but he is a nice guy and everyone likes him as of now and it is difficult for her to do anything. There came a point in our discussion where she was willing to dig up some dirt on that fellow and find a reason to end it. She complimented on how i lost weight and was looking nice and lean. Feeling my arms, hugging, etc. I told her I’ll block her from my end if she really needs to move on and she told me not to dare block her as it will kill her. I know she loves me a lot but she is stuck cos we come from a society which requires real guts to go against the wishes of our parents. Hoping she manages that or some miracle happens! This was I think my 8th day of NC and she had a serious breakdown cos she realized how life is without me. Just keep us in your prayers guys! Yesterday was a weak moment for me and I had to break my NC but am restarting it for my own good.
Also, @kneechan, you can use your mutual friends indirectly may be. I mean once they see you happy and changed, posting pics, etc I believe the word will reach her ears too. You dont have to ask about her well being to anyone. Just be a gentleman and say you wish the best for her if any conversation of that nature comes up among friends. You’ve been pretty strong till now and am sure it will not take longer before she notices the new you. Just dont lose focus of yourself here 🙂 Like you suggested @simon here, become the person she fell in love with the first time. I would say, now is the chance to become more irresistible! Work on the things which bothered her. Make her believe its better to be back with you rather than invest time & effort in knowing someone new and finding their faults.
@simon, I think @kneechan has given really good insight to your situation as well! You’re young, have a lot of room for making changes, lot of energy and you just need to find the right motivation to get going in this NC period!Good luck 🙂
Also, try to make her happiness your motivation and not just getting her back. This mentality will make you a lot stronger when she decides to come back to you and then you know you have a much more solid foundation to build your new relation with her!
Hey @amcee, I’m not sure if you get the same sense, but it seems that she is a little emotionally unstable. On top of that, she was jumping from you to him and back to you. How I was raised, if a woman ever did that to me, I would never take her back just because she was unfaithful. I understand she is your childhood best friend turned gf, and now your ex, but will this relationship be beneficial for the both of you? What happens if business gets in the way of your relationship, which it sort of already did? I just hope this isn’t a case of attachment issues, because it does seem like every time she comes crying, you try your best to comfort her and make sure she isn’t hurt. I’m not so sure she’d be able to do the same for you. On a positive note though, you guys are childhood best friends, so both of you will know what each other’s likes and dislikes are. If you do get back together, I would suggest you both sit down and talk about some of each other’s expectations in the relationship, and not to mention follow through with it. I’m just being brutally honest with you because I feel like I care for you like a fellow friend. Please don’t take offense to anything I say.
It’s so weird, but it’s only been a week and a half since my break up…but I feel revitalized due to my personal goals. I have no one but you and people on this forum to thank. It’s been getting me through each and every day without having to think too much. I have been indirectly using my friends to show her that I’ve been happy. Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook all have a picture or two about what I’ve been up to and how happy I look. Needless to say, it is just a shell, but I am slowly getting better! There’s no time for negativity, because after I work on myself, it’s either going to work out or it won’t work out. I would have no regrets from trying, with the exception that I could’ve been able to treat her better knowing what I know now. I do try to look at her happiness as my motivation and if being together is not what makes her happy, I would have to respect her wishes. I’ve realized that everything is going to be okay, it’s part of the growing process, and I am willing to go through it despite it causing me an absurd amount of pain from time to time.
Thanks @kneechan !! You’re not in pointing out the emotional instability. In fact you were bang on! She didnt exactly choose the guy but her parents did for her and she just went along with it. Ours is a regressive social environment and love marriages are not exactly accepted without resistance from families. Am not going to deny she became weak when her support would be needed the most but I love this person and it doesnt hurt me at all to let go of her if she feels she’ll be happy somewhere else. Or for that matter if she turns back around magically I’ll surely be keeping your words in my mind about sitting down and having a serious talk about how to take things ahead if at all.
My NC period has been going good too! Am glad both are able to encourage each other during this period! I know one thing for sure, if her happiness is what means more than being with her to you then it is highly probable that she’ll notice this and try to connect at some point. Albeit with a little caution but she’ll surely want to check if its worth giving another shot. Girls do not get over a relation so easy and a rebound works temporarily in making them feel better but then its back to the older feelings. Also, it looks like you’re using the mutual friends to good effect!!
I believe you’re improving your chances everyday right now! Just a gut feel.
Just a matter of time when she will start noticing you.@amcee, so basically what you’re saying is as long as C is happy, any outcome is fine? She is very lucky to have someone like you waiting for her, I hope everything works out in the near future. It’s very humbling and I’m very happy to hear that. I don’t think I’m at that stage yet, but I’m sure I will get there soon. I want nothing but the best for her, and if that’s not me…I can only go on with my life.
I’m not sure why, but today has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I kept thinking about her and I kept replaying what she said to me that very day when we officially broke up. It’s so hard to stay positive and improve yourself when there are so many conflicting thoughts piling on you. You’re right, she probably hasn’t gotten over me yet, and does think about me from time to time, but that still doesn’t mean she’s willing to give me another shot. For all I know, she could be enjoying her freedom without having to worry about me. If that’s the case, and if she negatively associates her freedom with me, then I’m in for a big battle. I have to be able to convince her that I am a good fit for her and convince her that I can treat her to the best of my abilities, with what I’ve learned throughout the past little while. She’s also not the type to just get into any relationship…I was technically her first real relationship.
Ahh all these negative thoughts are filling my head right now and I don’t even know why. It might be because I’m stressed too since I have a couple of assignments and a final exam coming up in the next week. I can’t wait until they’re over and I have some more time to myself. I’m not really too worried about her noticing me…I’m more worried about what she thinks of me. I’m quite fearful of the unknown, and I just get more and more anxious. I’ve also began thinking about writing the letter to her…I only have around 2 and a half weeks more before I can send it. But then again, I should just send it whenever I feel emotionally stable to handle what’s to come after I send the letter. Two and a half weeks is only the temporary time to the end of NC.
Sigh, it’s been a long day. I should sleep earlier so I can get to tomorrow earlier. Hope things are going well with you, M!
There will be days when you cant help but keep remembering her and its totally okay. It was for a reason that you loved her and why you still think about her. On those days it is okay to may be let your emotions take over for a while, sulk for a while but more importantly again collect yourself and motivate yourself to show true respect to your emotions!
You’re right though that right now she might be enjoying her freedom. For some time she will and it is good. Let her get some fresh air. Let her breathe and am sure she might be checking your social presence online so you keep focusing on improving yourself. If she is not someone to go into another relation right away then its a better scenario for you. She’ll like to see a new, confident, evolved you! NOT NEEDY.
In my case, she did call up the other night to just say a sweet good night and then again the next morning to just say hi but again ended up crying and I asked her to disconnect the call as I dont want to be the reason for her crying anymore. I ended up sulking myself thereafter. I know the kind of sacrifice she’ll end up making but its no more in my hands. Her happiness means the world to me and I know she would also forget her miseries if she sees me happy 🙂
Am very fortunate to have had a partner like her!!! Truly a gift to me she is!! It doesnt mean I own her or I have to force her in a way others are forcing her to take a decision. All I can do is be there for her anytime in the future (could be days, months, years, decades) in case things change. I have had my fair share of dating in my younger days and I have come to realize she is it!! This gives me peace in knowing that I found the one person whom I can love infinite and then a little more 🙂 There are many people out there who dont even get to find someone like that. Am glad to know I could love someone and be loved by someone so deeply. Heart is meant to be filled with love & she filled mine with it! Am content!! Now it is my duty to make sure she faces least possible issues due to me (whether with me or not). Am not trying to define love over here. For me love is her and I know she feels the same way!
That being said, I start my NC again cos after the day I met her I also had a serious meltdown and I dont want that meltdown to confuse her further and make her miserable. Somewhere deep down I believe we’ll be together but I dont know when. As of now I cannot see anymore tears in her eyes. It tears me apart.
I guess you’re right, giving her time and space is probably the best thing to do for her well-being. I think it’s just gotten pretty bad, because I’ve been having dreams about us getting back together for the past three nights. It’s killing me when I wake up, I don’t want to have these dreams because it gets me super sad in the morning. It got better this afternoon because I got to talk to a life coach today and he really instilled some serious thoughts into my mind. Got me thinking about my future and what my ideal life would look like in the future. It basically steered me away from thinking about her, haha. What a strange thing the mind is.
I’m super grateful to have had a relationship with my ex, she’s super sweet, nice, and caring. I feel like such a fuck-up sometimes for messing it up. If only I paid attention to all the details, I would’ve been able to put in place some corrective action. I am a better man because of her, and I am still continuing to be a better man because of what happened between me and her, I am so fortunate. I really wish I could have another chance to repay her kindness.
That’s quite sweet of her to call and say good night and good morning! It does suck how it seems like she’s dragging herself along this though…it’s so unfortunate 🙁 I really hope you guys can work this mess out. If this is really meant to be, the other guy will surely sense that something is wrong with her, and maybe it’ll drive him away from her eventually? It’s such a big headache just thinking about it, but I’m so impressed at how well you’re handling it. Maturity goes a long ways when it comes to love and you’re handling it with care and caution. It’s going to take a while, but it will work out in the end, and you will come out a better person no matter what happens. I’m here for you, M! 🙂
I met her yesterday and she was talking about getting back and how to deal with the social stigma once she decides to break her new relation off. They had their first fight cos of me cos she kept comparing him with me, him saying she is very demanding (she only asks for attention like any other girl), him telling her she will never be satisfied no matter what he does (he barely does anything for her. If anything he has put her in a social situation where she cannot come out easily). She infact once told him “please dont harass me M”. Yes, used my name. He has sensed something is amiss and offered to postpone the engagement, and her dad was also not in favor of things going too fast. She has realized the mess and yesterday we shared dinner outside, spent some good time but am not going to raise my hopes yet. She is scared with the thought of losing me and equally scared that breaking this thing off will bring some social stigma to her own social image (she had a broken engagement prior to we dating wen the guy cheated on her). Explained her yesterday how I’ll help her move on but eventually both of us have to forget each other for good if she chooses the other relation for her own good. She broke down and said she doesnt feel it is right to go with this guy. Then said god sent all signals that he might be the guy. I told her god doesnt “send” signals while you’re in a relation where you’re happy but he does test your patience every now and then to see whether you repeat past mistakes. She agreed how every nov-dec has been difficult for us. She noticed how her mom supports the guy no matter if he is wrong or she doesnt feel its right and how she was against me even if one small argument would happen. She has enough reasons to take a call but I just want her to be happy and ready for whichever decision she takes. Have explained her how we’ll have to stay together away from families (in our culture its a rarity) for some time and how my mother supports it. It made her relieved some what.
Am telling you all this so as to attest to your earlier statement that maturity in handling a loving relation (during and after the break up) can go a long way in reconciliation or healing. Am very glad that you’ve come to accept that your love is nothing less than special to you and choose to respect it by becoming the best version of yourself which your girl would want to see. Trust me, if your efforts are genuine, you WILL get another shot at this. Granted, sometimes, people date someone else during this period but that is just a small blip!
Just reading about how motivated you feel now is a very satisfying feeling cos it shows you have been touched by true love 🙂
Its okay to remember her, cry it out sometimes but NEVER forget to remain motivated cos this feeling of love not many people get. People use the term “I love my partner so much etc” a lot more than they should. It is people like you who are capable of giving meaning to that statement my friend 🙂You’re doing the right things and it will be a matter of time when she’ll notice it and communicate. Am proud of see you respect her and the emotions you shared with her! There is no way my friend this goes waste, trust me. You’ll end up getting another shot at it. Am not going to advise to wait for God or Nature to do it for you. Yes, we dont stop praying but we keep doing what we have to do on our part. Currently you focusing yourself is the first step and you’re doing it beautifully! The second step, approaching her, will be A LOT easier once this step is done!
Am here anytime you need! Also thanks for sharing it with me, it gives me immense pleasure in seeing someone truly understanding love 🙂
@amcee From what you’ve been saying, I really believe that this person is not good for her. In my past experience, you are not the person she needs to hear this from though. She needs a third party to confirm her feelings for this relationship and give her the extra push to go through with breaking up with him. Because you are part of the problem, I feel like she gets even more anxious to try to pressure herself to get this done. It seems that she’s also very…obedient to what her family thinks and says? I think at this point, that’s the third party that she has, and that third party is making things extremely hard on her because they like him. It almost seems like the only way you guys can be together is if she leaves her family for you. No matter what though, you are doing the best that you can to handle this situation, the rest is up to her. There’s so much more of life to enjoy, enjoy it all and improve yourself in the process! 🙂
Thank you very much for the compliments! I really appreciate the reassurance and I really hope it pays off in the future. I’m just super anxious to talk to her and it just kills me right now. I can’t even focus on the paper I’m supposed to write, nor can I focus on the exam I’m supposed to study for. It’s the fourth straight day where I’ve had a good dream about us being together. Once I wake up and find out that it’s all a dream once again, I get extremely bummed out and think about the past. It’s such a heart breaking cycle. What’s even more heartbreaking is that I’m not even sure if I’m going to be fully emotionally stable by the end of NC. For you, it seems like it took longer than a month for you to get to this stage where it’s okay if you lose her, since it’s for her happiness. But I have yet to reach that stage, and it feels like it will take me longer than the next two weeks to get to the stage…I’m so conflicted. I know I’m working on myself, but it’s still a tough road to trek when you’re alone. I just want to talk to her 🙁
You are right @kneechan, this person isnt right for her and me saying that will not help. She does realize this but again, as you pointed out, she needs push from a third person in this may be. That is why am not keeping my hopes up. It might be a big loss for me but it is something that I have to try and not show to her so may be it’ll help her move on 🙂
I started my NC some 12 days back but in the past 4-5 days we have been in touch. Before the NC period I was constantly trying to approach her. I was blocked on calling, iMessage, Whatsapp, Fb, Insta, emails, etc. I used to go find a pay phone to make those calls. I was blocked cos her family was sort of keeping tabs if i would contact her. She spoke to her parents yesterday that she doesnt think the step she has taken is right and the guy may not be right for her. Her father was not feeling well and fired her back saying she is the one who is not right etc. She got upset again. This week is hectic for her (sat, sun too) cos of work (she is in media). It took me a week to realize her happiness means the world to me. I STRONGLY believe that if two people love each other truly they will end up making space to be together sooner or later. It makes a pit in my stomach to think that it might not be sooner but being selfless in love is the most satisfying feeling.
If we start thinking negative about the person (assuming they havent done cheating or been dishonest or abusive as such) then it might help in moving on but in the long term it again haunts us when we slowly start accepting reality. May be my process to healing could be longer but that is ok.
I have started yoga, gym, giving more attention to business, socialize (am still not able to do this comfortably without missing her when am in company of other people) but like I said earlier, will make myself stronger in each and every way so that am ready when the time comes! It could be now, later or never! I dont know. But what I am very sure about is her love will never go and she’ll be longing it too so its just a matter of time how we both figure this out.
I’ve lost 22-25 lbs in one month (it has helped cos am looking way hotter she feels and thus makes her jealous cos she feels other girls will hit on me more now) but am trying to arrest this weight loss as soon as i can.
What am trying to say here is its okay that you still dream of her, ache for her, miss her. It is natural, it is okay, it is love 🙂 That being said, you’ve the chance to become a much more stronger person and when she notices this, you’ll be irresistible to her. Your situation fortunately does not involve her going to get engaged to anyone so be positive!! You have time on your side too 🙂
If possible do not view old pictures or memories of you and her currently. It’ll hurt more than heal. Keep them where they are. One activity that helped me to become more objective I’ll write down here:
– Sit in a corner in the house
– Close eyes
– Just listen to every sound around you. Phone ringing, parents talking, television is ON, dog barking, cars, etc
– Now DO NOT pass any thoughts on those sounds. I mean do not think who is calling or what are parents talking about or what show is running on the television, why is the dog barking etc
– Just hear and do not process any thoughts on this. It’ll help you become objective and thus better control your emotions.Hope it helps 🙂
Again, you’re doing great! It is okay to feel vulnerable 🙂 Its human!Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been busy with my assignment! I’m so proud of you, @amcee! It’s awesome how you mature you are and how much you are improving yourself through keeping yourself motivated and busy. I think due to the fact that I’m also quite a busy person, I don’t think about it as much anymore. Like I told you before, the mornings are the worst. BUT! I am proud to say that I did not have a dream about her last night, I slept quite peacefully and woke up at my normal internal clock hours!
It’s weird, but I also gained a bit more confidence last night due to an unpredictable event. I took a selfie yesterday before going out and posted it on snapchat, and then the ex before my last ex contacted me saying she heard about what happened and seemed genuinely concerned for my well being! I was entirely caught off guard by that and she proceeded to make me feel better by telling me that I deserve better and that my ex was not good enough for me. She also told me that she loved me and still loves me to this day and she doesn’t know why. I’m not sure if that was the caring type of love or the “she wants to get back with me” type of love. Either way, I don’t think I would go back to her because she’s changed and she’s not the girl I fell in love with in the first place. But knowing that someone out there genuinely cares for you, and someone who loves you so deeply still…It was truly touching to feel that. Almost to the point where I felt like, I was her and she was me in my current predicament.
Back to now, yes, I may have time on my side, but I think time may also be working against me. What if the time I take to heal gives her enough time to forget about me? I am so scared of acting a certain way in front of her if I see her, that she may see through me. It’s funny that you tell me to put everything away, because that’s the first thing I did on the first day we broke up, I put everything away and just stuffed it in a corner. I did not need to be reminded of us.
I will definitely try your activity when I have a little bit more time! Right now, I’m in the midst of finishing up another assignment that’s due in two days and studying for an exam that’s in three days. Thanks for the encouragement and you are awesome 🙂
Firstly, good luck for the exam! Its good to see how you’re improving! Also, I do not think you have anything to worry about cos I truly believe time is on your side.
Also, with the kind of improvement that you’re trying to make within yourself, it is only a matter of time when you’ll see the results coming in your favor. Just like you’re busy am sure even she might be busy with her studies.
Also, its good to know you’re still loved by one of your previous gf’s. It shows that somewhere there are qualities within you which a girl would desire for. It is a good confidence booster!!
You’ll be more than fine 🙂 Dun worry
@amcee Thank you, I am studying hard for it! Realistically, yes, most likely, time is on my side. But it just bugs me all the time that I can connect with her at any time but I can’t because of this stupid NC. It’s so hard to fight my urges, I’m trying though! I’m a little worried because my school ends in another week, but she’s not really free until December 16, I feel like I’m going to get super anxious because I won’t be as busy a week from now. I will still have work but my evenings will be filled with nothing. It’s definitely digging a hole in my heart right now, just anticipating that.
Thank you very much for mentioning that though, it definitely does boost my confidence. How’s it going with you? Any updates? Are you still in touch with her or are you restarting your NC again?
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