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Sneaky Signs Your Ex Still Loves You (Even If They Say They Don’t)

Your ex will tell you a lot of things after the breakup, but you can’t really believe everything they say. Heck, you can’t even trust their action. Overanalyzing your ex’s behavior will drive you crazy. And in reality, analyzing their behavior is not going to help you get your ex back or move on.

For example,

They will like your status on Facebook and then Unfriend you.

They will text you when they are drunk but won’t pick up your calls the next day.

They will be sitting at your favorite coffee shop but won’t come and say hi to you.

They will start dating someone else but will get angry when they find out you started dating someone else.

The truth is your ex is hurt and probably confused about their feelings for you. Luckily, there are a few signs that will tell you whether or not your ex still loves you. But first let me make it clear that these signs do not mean that your ex wants to get back together. In fact, since you and your ex were in a meaningful relationship, I am sure that they still like you (or maybe even love you) and they still have strong feelings for you. But this does not mean that they want to get back together. If they want to get back together, they will show completely different signs (Read: 5 Signs Your Ex Wants You Back).

Even though these signs don’t mean they want to get back together, there are still something you can do when you see these signs that will increase your chances of getting back together. You can find it in the “What you should do?” section under each sign.

Sneaky Sign No. 1: Emotions

Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. If an ex shows any type of negative emotions for you (including anger and hatred), it’s because they are hurt. It’s because they had expectations that you didn’t meet. It’s because they are an emotional mess because of you.

Just because someone says they hate you, doesn't really mean they don't love you.

Just because someone says they hate you, doesn’t really mean they don’t love you.

But the truth is, they are only hurt because they love you. You broke their expectations because they have expectations from you. And the reason they are an emotional mess is because they still have feelings for you.

Think about it, why would someone spend so much time and energy into hating you or being angry at you? They broke up with you. Wouldn’t it be easier to just forget about you and move on? The reason they say they have these negative emotions you is because they still have feelings for you. They just don’t want those feelings to be there, so they are confusing those feelings to be hatred or anger.

What You Should Do?

Give them time and space. Just stop contact with them and let all the negative emotions subside. There is literally nothing you can say to them that will turn their negative emotions into positive ones. But if you say nothing to them, time will eventually kill all the hatred and anger inside them and they will start remembering the good of the relationship. Time is the only thing that can make their hatred and anger go away. And when it does go away, they will realize that they are still in love with you.

Sneaky Sign No. 2: They Are Being Competitive

Is your ex trying to make you jealous? Do they post pictures on facebook specifically to push your buttons? Are they going out of their way so that you know that they are dating someone new? Do they become extra flirtatious with other people when you are around? Then congratulations, your ex is probably still in love with you (aside from being a little immature).competitive_ex

What your ex is trying to do is win the post breakup competition. Not only is it a pretty immature way of dealing with the breakup, it’s also a very ineffective way. The fact that they are doing this means that you are on their mind most of the time. And the fact that you are still on their mind means that they are still in love with you.

What You Should Do?

Let them play their game while you actually try to improve your life. Do the three things that you must do during the no contact rule. Do the things you enjoy and start going out on dates. If they are being competitive, they are probably watching everything you do. Seeing you actually improving in your life is going to make them second guess their decision to breakup.

Sneaky Sign No. 3: Push/Pull Behavior

If your ex is cold one minute and hot the other, then you can be sure they have feelings for you. They will pull away and won’t talk to you for weeks, and then suddenly push to spend time with you. They will ignore your calls and then start calling you everyday. They will stop responding to your texts and then start texting you randomly.

This behavior simply means that they are confused about their feelings for you. Their heart is still in love with you but they are trying to convince themselves that they should stay broken up. They miss you and want to spend time with you, but they are stopping themselves because they think you are not good for them.

What You Should Do?

Be cool. Stay calm and don’t let their irrational behavior get to you. If you respond to their unstable behavior, you are showing a sign of neediness. Whatever happens, don’t ever ask them “Why you didn’t reply to my text?” or “Why you didn’t pick up my call?”

If they become cold, you become cold. Simple as that. Don’t reward their cold behavior by paying them more attention.

Sneaky Sign No. 4: Drunken Dialing

If your ex calls you when they are intoxicated, then it’s an obvious sign that they still have feelings for you. However, you should be very careful about what you say to them when they call you or text you drunk. It could be that they confess their love to you when they are drunk and they become completely cold the next day.

What You Should Do?

Any drunken calls from your ex should be received with caution. Do not talk about YOUR feelings when they are drunk. It doesn’t matter how much they ask you “If you still love them”, you should not reply. Just a simple “You are drunk and I don’t want to talk about it right now” should do the trick.

Do not confess your love to them when they are drunk. It will only make them realize the next day that you are still not over them and that they still have you (Read third point of this article to understand why they shouldn’t feel like they still have you).

Sneaky Sign No. 5: Contacting You During The No Contact Rule

If you’ve read the 5 step plan, I recommend you start no contact with your ex after the breakup. This is perhaps the most effective way to win your ex back for good. During this no contact period if your ex contacts you, then you can be sure that they are thinking about you and they still have feelings for you.

What You Should Do?

Don’t pick up the phone. Talking to them is going to defeat the purpose of no contact. You need to prove to yourself that you can survive without your ex for at least 30 days. It’s hard but in the end, you will realize it was worth it. Also, when you don’t pick up their phone, they are going to start wondering whether or not you have moved on. They will start realizing that you are not a needy person and that you are not available for them whenever they need you. Trust me, you are going to become more attractive in their mind by not answering them.

Do you want to find out your chances of getting your ex back?

 

Take this carefully designed test to find out your chances and if you qualify for the EBP Basics E-course.

 


If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

678 comments… add one
  • magnolia June 4, 2014, 11:57 am

    Hi,

    my ex broke up for the second time after a two years relationship incl. living together and this time it looks definite. He even admitted how much he still loves me and almost cried when we broke up, but said that this time he is sure about it because he thinks we fight too much and that we are too similar characters who are very stubborn and don’t wanna give in when having arguments. He is not pissed, not tired of me and says we had the greatest time ever, but that he thinks because of our fights it won’t work in the future. One week of NC already went by and I didn’t hear anything from him (after he broke up for the first time he started contacting me again after a week already).

    Do you think he will come back? Or does it seem definite this time? What should I do? The five steps plan I already read. Thank you.

    • Kevin June 4, 2014, 3:23 pm

      There’s a chance. However, try to work on your communication issues during NC. I highly recommend the book “Non-violent communications” by Marshall Rosenberg.

    • Jess December 23, 2015, 1:28 am

      He could come back

      • Jess December 23, 2015, 1:40 am

        When we broke up I was in tears too for weeks on end and still am now……how do I try be happy? Or at least hide it near him?

        • Bau August 15, 2016, 2:27 am

          Honey sorond yourself with friends and leave that sicker alone I’m helping a friend and hers is just a dick but yah know that’s just guys but be happy don’t pretend

    • Jess December 23, 2015, 1:39 am

      Hi Kevin,
      Me and my ex have been broken up for almost 2 months now. The reason we ended is because I had a lot of stuff going on and I have a cousin in care, so because sometimes I were upset and wouldn’t talk to him or others, he thought that he was the reason why I was upset so he decided to end the relationship even though he didn’t want to and he was in tears, as soon as we broke up I came on your website and did the whole no contact thing and have been doing that since the very first day, at school he’s been near me alot and helping me and talking to me alot well trying, and last night I was really upset so I messaged him and he replied and wouldn’t go to sleep until I was happy even though he was very very tired and it was half 1 in the morning, he was there a good 2 hours cheering me up but funny thing is he messaged me first saying “hey, you ok” does this mean be likes me again? Should I stop the no contact thing and talk to him and explain he wasn’t the reason why I was upset and tell him the whole truth and nothing but the truth and see what happens or should I continue the no contact thing?

      • Kevin December 23, 2015, 2:46 am

        Yes, it’s a good idea to start communicating with him again since you have done enough no contact and he is showing signs that he still likes you.

  • felicia June 4, 2014, 10:04 pm

    I and my ex-boyfriend have broke up a few months back and i appear at his house the other day and he run away . Why did my ex-boyfriend run away when he sees me ?

    • Kevin June 5, 2014, 12:04 pm

      I could be a lot of reason. Perhaps he was surprised. Perhaps you did a lot of mistakes after the breakup which made him scared of you. You should follow the 5 step plan.

  • Ann June 5, 2014, 9:48 am

    Hi Kevin, I was on here a while ago after splitting with my partner of 10 years who had been having an affair. I did the NC and during that time he tried several times to contact me. I realised he was still seeing the other woman and told him to get lost. Since then we have exchanged stuff etc. and I am moving on with my life. Last night we were in the same town and had dinner together. Whereas I radiated positivity, confidence and a love for life, he seemed really down. Apparently he hadn’t been to the gym since I left 2 months ago because he could not find the motivation – he always used to go to the gym every day. He said he had missed me badly and seemed to be probing as to whether or not I was with someone else. Anyway, we had a lovely evening and did not talk about the past relationship, just friendly banter and a lot of laughter, teasing and some flirting. When he dropped me off, he pulled me in for a long kiss. I do still really love him and would like us to give it another chance, obviously without the other woman in tow (if he is still with her, I did not ask). I just do not know if he wants me back or whether he kissed me as an ego boost. What do you think I should do? Thanks!

    • Ann June 5, 2014, 10:20 am

      PS, I texted him an hour after he dropped me off and said” Thank you for a lovely evening and a lovely kiss. xxx” He did not reply….

    • Kevin June 5, 2014, 12:39 pm

      Well, the kiss definitely gave him an ego boost. But there’s a good chance he is thinking about getting back with you. You should keep playing it cool. But don’t get physical with him again unless he breaks up with the other girl.

      • Ann June 5, 2014, 1:09 pm

        Thank you Kevin! He just sent me a text stating that he has made an excuse to a common friend as to why I am not with him at an event this week – I am working apparently. I should add he has insisted we keep our joint account open and left me as his spouse on his work perks as well as listed as an occupant of the household although he has to pay an extra 25% local tax to do so.

        • Kevin June 6, 2014, 1:58 pm

          All good signs. In his mind, he sees you two together in the future.

  • iain June 5, 2014, 8:00 pm

    hi kevin
    my ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago after being together 10 years she says she still loves me but her feelings have changed ? I have been a total mess we have been contacting each other on a daily basis and she has been crying a lot drinking a lot and not looking after herself I thought she was cheating on me while we were together but she says no but she was lying a lot which was not her I ask to meet up and she makes excuses but if I do see her she says she,s in a hurry on Tuesday I went to a friends house (male) I had a dr appointment earlier I seen her in the car while I was on a bus I text her and said just seen u hi she replied where are u I said in town she said how did docs go I said was there earlier im away to my friends she sent a text ohhh yeah your out with them like she was jealous I asked if she was and she said yes but she blows hot and cold everyday I cant manage no contact im at deaths door really hurting and feel so ill and alone and scared im just not sure what to do

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 11:01 am

      Iain,

      No contact is still the best option.

  • jessica June 6, 2014, 12:40 pm

    Hi Kevin my bf before breaking up with me said that he loved me and we were intimate then after he broke up he said not to look for him and not to ask to go back with him…he blocked me on fb and google he doesn’t answer text messages however he did answer to my emails could he be confused or should I move on and stop analyzing he’s behaviors

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 11:36 am

      Hey Jessica,

      It’s your decision whether or not you should move on. You should however, apply no contact at least for one month.

      • Jessica June 10, 2014, 2:28 pm

        Kevin he called me angry at me BC I was on the same dating site he was…i was dumb enough to answer his call should I still apply no contact after he said he won’t want anything with me

  • Leilani June 7, 2014, 10:25 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    You told me a while back to take 2-3 months of no contact and I have done just that and I’m not sure if it’s true or not but now his Facebook says he’s in a relationship. Should I just continue not to talk to him? It’s been two months now and I still love him and want to be with him but I respect if he’s with someone id be out of line to try and come between them because I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. His birthday is a few months (sept to be exact, more so towards the end) would it he okay if I told him happy birthday? I feel saying anything right now will make him think that I’m jealous and trying to get his attention

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 1:26 pm

      Leilani,

      I don’t see any harm in contacting him even if he’s in a relationship. If he’s serious about his relationship, he won’t respond. If he’s not serious and it’s a rebound, then it’s going to end anyways regardless of you contacting him.

      It’s OK to wish him happy birthday.

      • Leilani June 8, 2014, 3:14 pm

        How long can a rebound relationship last?

        • Kevin June 8, 2014, 5:06 pm

          It can last upto six months, sometimes, even a year. If it lasts more than a year, then it’s no longer a rebound.

          • Leilani June 8, 2014, 5:31 pm

            Saying “thank you” wouldn’t be a big deal right? Should I say you’re welcome after or leave it at the thank you? If he contacts after that then I should consider that he’s interested otherwise move on?
            I haven’t said anything to him since the beginning of April and I knew that it was a risk but I didn’t think he would start a new relationship.
            Only reason I’m concerned is because I think I’m in love with him and I know parts will cross if meant but because I use to have the gut feeling that he would come back when he thought things were okay and seeing now that he’s in a relationship I’m scared of being alone and that the gut feeling was actually just me giving myself false hope.

          • Leilani June 8, 2014, 6:38 pm

            It’s hard to determine if it’s a real relationship or a rebound we got into an argument in February and talked until the beginning of April when things really spiraled downhill and in spite of me telling him that I loved him and was sorry he told me about all the girls that like and want him and that they vibed together better than me and him ever did and after I asked if he ever really loved me he told me no. The relationship itself was posted on FB over the weekend (no name) and he does seem extremely positive with his outlook on life now but idk if it’s real or a front. I worry because of the things he said and feeling like I felt it all alone but I question why even tried to be with me in the first place why’d he stick it out for two years and then just disappear, he even told me in February that he would be sticking around and I asked if he really wanted to and he said he doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to and then he got mad about what I said and now a relationship. Could it be because he can see her as often as he’d like and I have a child that prevents me from being available 24/7

          • Leilani June 12, 2014, 1:33 am

            Sorry it was so long

  • sonia June 8, 2014, 11:56 am

    Its been a month that my ex said he didnt think he was ready for a relationship..
    when I asked him if he wanted to start over see where it goes or if hes just not interested he didnt answer me. Just yesterday, a month after, he texts me and says he wants to see me, I reply why and he didnt answer since yesterday….
    What does that mean??
    I am so confused and I wanna understand.

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 2:28 pm

      It could mean a lot of things. The only way to find out is to meet him. However, if you’ve not done NC till now, I suggest you tell him you need some space and time right now and do NC before meeting him.

      • sonia June 8, 2014, 5:38 pm

        I didn’t do the non contact thing…
        I just didnt write him back cause he didnt answer and I didnt wanna seem needy but at the same time I wanna know what is happening in his head but its his job to answer me and tell me…

        • sonia June 8, 2014, 10:10 pm

          he answered me back tonight saying that he doesnt know… he misses my kisses..
          then i told him thati think he doesnt know what he wants and he said he doesnt know.
          after he asked me if i wanted to hangout and i said i can’t…

  • Vee June 9, 2014, 9:14 am

    Hey Kevin!!
    So after about little over a month my ex FINALLY called me yesterday and said everything is forgiven. Etc, etc… We don’t know when we’ll talk to each other again but what should I do until then? I don’t want to blow his phone up or anything trying to keep in contact.

    • Jess December 23, 2015, 1:43 am

      Hey Vee, I think that’s great!! But keep it on a low key and see what happens, goodluck by the way

  • Rob June 9, 2014, 10:40 am

    Hey Kevin,
    I’ve been in no contact for a little over 3 weeks now. She “my ex” has been posting pictures with her new man on Facebook. Our mutual friends have been telling me this. I un-friended and blocked her awhile back. Last night I get an e-mail from her saying: I miss talking to you. I want to respond to her. What should I say? I know it really doesn’t mean anything but I need some guidance.
    Thanx ……..

    • Jess December 23, 2015, 1:45 am

      You should reply to her but keep it on low key for now you dont want to rush things or ruin them either, have you done no contact thing at all?

  • Sharon June 11, 2014, 7:36 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I need your urgent advice. As I mentioned previously that my ex will come back to Kunming on the 14th of June, yesterday he Wechat me said he will be back on the 16th. He claimed that he will be staying in Chengdu for 2 nights with the girl he met on the plane (Because this girl he is origianally from Manchaster Chinese, but need to fly often to work in Chengdu). So my heart is dead but I am cool with it. I was just thinking if you come back we can have a proper goodbye since last time he broke up with me via a long distance call which to me is really unhealthy. I was not even asking for a talk or what, just to spend 1-2 days being with him at the last time. Life is short, and we were destined to be a couple for more than 1 year, say goodbye decently is something mature to do. So there’s a girl who’s one of his teammate’s wife called me yesterday and said, there’s no way he is staying in Chengdu because there’s only one flight flying back from the UK somewhere – Chengdu – Kunming. His teammate said his flight is taking off from the UK on the 15th of June and directly be back on the 16th of June. He send me a message on Wechat: It didn’t matter about your health wanted to take care of you. Was the leaving me in the night. Just wanna start something new with a girl who is soft hearted and calm. I wish you all the best and hope that after the dust hast settled and the pain has gone we can be friends. I like many things about you, Sharon. I am sorry for what happened , but I can’t change now my path.

    Also, I said no worries, life is short, I just want a proper goodbye and I will leave to start my next chapter of life in Beijng. He told me, I don’t know, I am not sure whether we can stay at the same apartment. I need privacy to use Skype and phone (maybe video and talk with the new girl).

    My questions are:
    1) Why he has to fake his flight schedule and said he is going to meet this girl in Chengdu and staying at her place for 2 night? Just to hurt me?
    2) Why he has to fake that he is going to stay 2 nights in Chengdu, while I know the fact is there’s only one flight flying back on the 15th?
    3) Does he really want to escape from me or something, that he can’t even want to stay with me even seperately sleeping on the couch/ bedroom? What happened? Since I have many things need to settle with him for the apartment and my stuff
    4) Why he is texting me that message on Wechat, is he trying to be nice?
    5) Should I just move out before he come back? And not to see him one last time for a proper good bye.
    Your prompt reply is appreciated
    Thank you very much,
    Sharon

    My questions are:

  • David June 13, 2014, 9:41 am

    Hi All,

    Im aware Kevin is away, Im at a bit of a stuck stage at the moment…My previous posts should be below on this page somewhere if someone wants to follow along, Search “David”.

    We have now started talking slightly and I asked her if she wanted to hang out, she said “Do you think its a bit too soon though? Its all just a bit weird”..so i calmly suggested if shes not comfortable, we can give it a miss..but then she replied “Im comfortable I just dont want to complicate things between us”
    we met up and had a good time, the hug at the end was a nice long hug and lasted about 20 secs+ and got a text after saying “It was good to see you again x”

    Ive seen her 2 times since then (1 the next day when i drove her home, because she left her shoes in the car after the meetup, so she asked if i could pick her up to collect her shoes), and then again the next day coz I had day off work and she said I should meet her on her dinner. So I have basically met her 3 days in a row, Hug at the end when saying bye, but the 2nd two hugs were only 2secs long.

    We have also sort of agreed to meet up in 1 weeks time after work, when I said “Dont do anything Friday, im picking you up from work to surprise you”. She didnt object

    Sometimes she seems bit short/doesn’t reply to my texts and its usually me initiating contact, although she has initiated ..although rarely.

    My thoughts are that she wouldnt want to meet/do anything with me if she didnt want to get back with me…but then I think she might be over me and therefore she can be around me without feeling anything? and has accepted that we work better as friends?

    She already knows my intentions Im 90% sure as I did lots of mistakes during the weeks split up, wrote poem, wrote a letter, explained my wrongs and that I love her etc and want to get back with her etc.

    Just would like to get some other peoples opinions…Im going to take it slowly with her and do a few more meet-ups etc…I just dont want to make the mistake of falling into the friendzone….I know that Ryan said FalseFriendship is the way to go and that the feeling of intimate with friends doesnt go away.

    I sooo hope this is true!..Anyone else reached this stage? A womans view would be amazing!

    P.S I think its important to know that we WERE bestfriends BEFORE we got together as she was with my bestfriend…and so was genuinely close. She has previously mentioned that we should just be friends…so not sure if Ryan’s False Friendship works in this scenario.

    Weve been split about 2 months now

    Thanks

    • Jess December 23, 2015, 1:47 am

      That’s great, keep taking it slow and I think you’ll get somewhere with it

  • Joshua July 10, 2014, 8:58 am

    Hey I’m calling out for anyone’s advice on this so, me and my ex broke up after a year a half relationship things we obviously not perfect, but I obviously do love her and she knows that. So we broke up 5 days ago and I did the whole instinctive process of begging pleading for her back to none of my gain except losing some self respect, and keep In mind I do know there is another guy involved she’s actually moving down to Florida to be with her dad but he’s conviently there as well. Everytime I try to initiate no contact with her she calls and texts me a lot begging to talk she says she misses me and loves me and swears she wants to get back together in the future but wants to find herself. So with all that into account does anyone know exactly what she means about this? And what should I do to increase my chances of getting her back?

    • Mark Adams July 12, 2014, 11:00 am

      Joshua. YOU NEED TO DO NO CONTACT!!
      It sounds harsh but at the moment she is playing you, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love you but you and her need time and space to sort your heads out. Something serious went wrong for her to find someone else and she may be keeping you on a string “just in case”, sounds harsh I know but it’s true. Whatever happens no contact for 30 days minimum you will be amazed at how much better you feel after. Word of warning though, You might find it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Good luck from someone who’s been there!

    • Chris July 17, 2014, 2:35 pm

      I know how u feel man it’s messed up but heres what u have to do get her drunk and when she is drunk leave her alone for a few hours inside her head she will keep thinking I love him I love him I love him but if that doesn’t work just give it some time man itll work itself out believe me I have experience in loosing people I was close to and loved my own father for example he died when I was 8 and my aunt died just recently but Im not trying to explain myself but I feel ur pain man I’ve been there just give it some time

    • Jess December 23, 2015, 1:48 am

      Well to be serious it sound like she wants to talk to you again and sort things out so I’d talk back but keep it on a low key and dont rush things

    • john August 5, 2016, 11:35 am

      Hey Joshua! I am in the exact same position as you! the exact words she has told you are the exact words she said to me!! would definitely love a follow up on your situation!!

  • Robin July 15, 2014, 6:10 am

    Hi guys, i need Some advice. About à month ago me and my ex girlfriend broke up, we had a 2 year relationship. 1,5 weeks later she was already dating my best friend, i wanted to hurt the Guy so much, but could resist the urge. I tried to move on and see Some other girls, but it’s hard because we work toghether on à monthly basis. Now About one week ago we saw eachother again, had à great time and kissed. The next day she went to see her boyfriend again, to tell. everything wasn’t going so Well, but i never heard anything from her after that. The wants to keep à distance for now, but she admitted she still loved me. Ooh and my best friend came out of à 7year long relationship. Any advice?

    • Yin August 25, 2015, 1:04 pm

      Robin,
      Just do the NC. Play it cool though you really want to interfere in their relationship. Let them. They are both in the situation that they really don’t know what they want.. Give your ex time and space to think what she really wants. For now, do a different hobby that interests you (e.g sports). Good luck.

  • Joe July 15, 2014, 9:52 pm

    My girl didn’t want to be with me anymore thought I saw her with her new guy but someone at my work told me they saw her with a new kid at my work then asked her if she was with him she said she not seeing anyone.

    So I don’t know if she is with some one and not saying anything. Or if she is just starting to just be with this kid or someone else as in just talking to and hanging out or worst fear sleeping with someone already.

    The advise given is take time off to work yourself but you can’t take too long cause you will lose her for good.

    So if no contact says a month then how long do I know before I’m screwed and she is gone for good. Not like I can tell if she even thinks of me anymore or would ever want to be with me again.

  • Chris July 17, 2014, 2:29 pm

    My girlfriend of 2 months said she was done with this relationship and the love faded about 2 weeks ago but i give her a week 2 tops before she gets drunk and comes crawling back to me I mean I will never disrespect her I will not call her names I will not share her personal secrets with anybody I will not share photos with friends as a kid from a family which almost isn’t considered a family cause so many people died I know what it feels like to loose people but this relationship was real love never dies or gets old she just couldn’t handle me loving her so much she has never dated a guy and I’ve never dated a girl and honestly I love her I don’t even love and care about my own mother as much as I love and care about her she will come back to me thank u for the advice
    ~future U.S marine

  • Maryanne July 21, 2014, 6:03 pm

    My ex is continuing to confuse me , I have cut contact to a minimal but delivering kids every weekend is a challenge ,when he sees me he hugs me long and tight kisses me on the lips but also acts like he doesn’t want to touch me , if I look at him he gets super uncomfortable like he can’t look in my eyes, he contantly compliments the way I look but will say in one breath something like , my girlfriend makes me so happy we haven’t had one single fight you are my beautiful ex wife .
    I have an arrangement to meet him for dinner this weekend as a conference puts me in his city , I think he actually suggested it , but I asked if he could meet me both nights and was told no I have a date with my gf I am not changing that what would I tell her ? I actually am not sure how much he sees her its been less than 3 months really not surprised if they didn’t fight I’m sure she is busting herself to be perfect because he is so out of her league in looks and is a lovely guy . Yesterday he sent me a text asking if he should take a job offer, he asked me to call in my lunch break to discuss, I did he basically wanted me to decide for him its a good career move he’s not happy n his company I said go for it and he called his agent while I was still on phone and said yes, this job takes him a bit further away from me but it also takes him away from his gf, I wonder about why he relied on me for this decision, of course I’m wondering if its a positive sign, then he will admit if I text him he reads but doesn’t reply. Can I say roller coaster ? This dinner on Saturday will be interesting I’m guessing he will spend whole time squirming with discomfort in my presence and telling me how happy he is, how should I handle it? I can’t tell what he’s thinking at all ! Mx

  • Skylar July 27, 2014, 11:26 am

    My ex ended up having to move back home for financial issues, but before she left, we were getting along well. Long distance was hard, and I know I asked too much of her, but I had my reasons. She previously cheated on me, and told me early on she still had feelings for her ex, who she had regular contact with. I didn’t know it at the time, but she started dating me only a month after we broke up. She said the feelings for that person faded, but it was still hard to trust that. after she Moved, I started noticing her pulling away. I realized that while we were still together, she seemed interested in someone else. She broke up with me, and admitted that the reason was I was too controlling. I understood where she was coming from, and said I’d fix it, but she told me that she was done and didn’t want to do the back and forth stuff. She said I should move on. She’s now “only talking” to this person, but they started the courtship only a week after we broke up. She came to pick up some of her things last week, and she kissed me, saying it was partly real feelings, and partly habit. She admitted she still loves me, and part of her will always want to be with me. She doesn’t contact me first, but she was never big on texting and we never really had phone calls. She’s friendly when we do talk, but doesn’t talk about the relationship at all. Considering it’s only been a few weeks since we broke up, I’m not sure of it’s just too soon to even consider getting back together, or she really has no interest.

    • Harry August 25, 2015, 1:16 pm

      Skylar,
      She confuses you because she is also confused. But dude, I’m sorry. But it seems that you are the rebound. Move on.

  • maryanne July 29, 2014, 4:30 am

    Hi Kevin I kept contact to a minimum as best I could given our kids are involved, my one “nota date” whilst in his city for conference turned into an entire weekend of all the things we did when we first met I felt so “right” but he is sending me ” hi sexy” text and xxx but says he’s not leaving his new GF… He keeps saying how gorgeous I looked his couldn’t stop smiling and kissing me but says she makes him happy … He said what do you want from me I said well I gave u a new wedding ring that’s what I want .. Now for three days he has been asking have I looked into a new job have I applied for loan so I can move to be in Sydney where he is moving back to, it’s where we were as a family for 12 years, I want to but living separately? Is she following him? WHAT is this about? I can’t answer his text at all now I feel hurt that he says I’m sexy but isn’t leading me on its just he’s thinking about me from weekend and it hurts that he thinks I should move everything change everything in my life but I don’t hear any suggestion the GF is over …help?

  • ailana August 10, 2014, 11:12 pm

    I believe my husband falls in this category. I always feel like he is fighting to hang on to the negative because he doesn’t want to allow himself to feel his love for me. He says he is not in love with me anymore, but I can see it in his eyes sometimes. He also admitted to missing me a bit. These words “But the truth is, they are only hurt because they love you. You broke their expectations because they have expectations from you. And the reason they are an emotional mess is because they still have feelings for you.” hit me in the heart. I think this is so true of my husband it makes me feel a little bad because I know he is partly angry that I let him down on some level. I know he didn’t want things to end this way anymore than I did but he is trying so desperately to stand by “his decision” to leave.

    He says it was a relief and the best decision he made. He said he only gets upset because he is still dealing with me, still basically in a relationship with me and deals with me more now than when we were together and he doesn’t want to anymore. When I told him he didn’t have to, that he could ignore my calls and my texts, he said I could. I then asked why don’t you then if your so upset with me? he simply said, “I don’t know.”

    Sounds like hes still in love and in turmoil to me… any thoughts?

  • Brea August 11, 2014, 10:48 pm

    Dear Kevin,
    I don’t really know what to think at this point so I really need someone else’s opinion on what I should do.
    My ex-boyfriend and I have been talking for the past week and a half and he has told me that he feels awful for the way things turned out the way they did and that he still has feelings for me. I still really like him, but don’t know if this is just a game he is trying to pull, but I don’t believe that. Because last week (when we started talking a bit more) he came and talked to me and I was suprised, but after about five minutes nothing felt different between us. I still felt like we were together and I like that feeling, but I’m not sure if there is a chance of him asking me back out.
    What do you think, do you think I am just wasting my time thinking about us getting back together? Or do you think that there might actually be a chance between us again?

  • Jay August 20, 2014, 7:52 am

    Hello Kevin,
    Me and my Ex broke up a month ago, because I decided to keep our unborn son, we already have a 2 year old little girl. He just walked out and said I am a selfish person for keeping our son. I won’t lie I’m going thru a lot I loved this man but I need to learn to let go, now I’m getting very mean texts and voice mails from him that I don’t even respond or call him before I would now I completely stopped, on Saturday his daughter cried to see him I took her to his Job and he walked and went the other way, he didn’t care that broke my heart, he moved on because he is seeing different women, Kevin I feel he never loved me and I cry so much at night, I don’t even think we will ever have a chance again from all the hatred he has towards me, I did everything for him everything. Please give me so advice?

    • Yahaira August 5, 2016, 1:02 am

      Just let him be for now. He will get over the anger of you deciding to keep the baby as he sees your belly getting bigger and especially when the baby is gone. Give time time and don’t contact him as much as you want to. Best wishes.

  • Manuel August 29, 2014, 11:05 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    Here is the thing me and my ex broke up one week ago, at first I was upset and mad with her so I told her painful things that I didn’t want to. Then the Monday after I haven’t talk to her for 3 days, We talked and she told me why she had left me, I am not sure she is telling the whole thing but after that I confessed her my love and I told her I won’t give up on us. We did Facetime two days in a row and also we texted each other and after that i read your article so the next day i didn’t message her and she did at night I replied her and we did Facetime again, but then I realized i wasn’t following your advices so i told her she should think the things about us and wheter if she want me back or not but that she have to do this by herself. And we haven’t talked since yesterday and well i try to not think of her but when i am alone at night and i dont have nothing to do i start thinking about her and i feel desperate because i am wondering if she is thinking about me and if she wants me back and i want her back right now. What should i do? Please help me man i need your advice

  • Elisa Monroy September 3, 2014, 12:24 am

    I guess i just want to no if there is a possibility or not

  • Ryan September 4, 2014, 1:38 am

    Haven’t spoken to my ex for about 6 days now though I found myself wandering around last.fm to see what she has been listening to. I know bad idea (I don’t have any other social media accounts). A lot of them seemed to feature groups will strong female leads. There was one in particular that went “I still think of you and all the shit you put me through. You were wrong.” I’m guessing I’m looking way too far into this, but I’m going to consider this a good thing. She’s struggling without me and needs to reinforce her stance to not take me back. Am I right?

  • kj September 28, 2014, 11:10 pm

    hi I have tried posting comments on here and other articles but they never show up so I am just trying to get some feed back if I could please I could really use some.

    after reading this article I don’t know if this applies to my ex because I don’t think if I had a facebook she would check it or some of the other traits you mentioned.
    I found out recently that her fb page said in big post she is in relationship with a guy who is suppose to be a really close friend, someone she said is like a brother. how could someone just start seeing someone like that in a serious relationship.

    if I could get some advise on this situation it would be very helpful and grateful. its been hard enough to think she wants absolutely nothing to do with me for last couple months but to think she been with this guy for that long is worse.

    • Kevin September 30, 2014, 10:57 am

      It’s probably a rebound kj. Follow the 5 step plan.

      • kj October 6, 2014, 6:56 pm

        thanks for comment

        but my question is since it has been 2 months already since she ended it I don’t see how it could be a rebound especially that I have the strongest feeling that she has been seeing her friend, this guy for awhile.

        And if she really is with this guy how could it be a rebound if they are suppose to be really close friends, since she knows him for years wouldn’t that just make it easier for them to be with each other.

        • Kevin October 7, 2014, 7:33 am

          Hey kj,

          If you two had a meaningful relationship, then it won’t be easy for her to move on from it. The fact that she was good friends with that guy doesn’t necessarily mean their relationship will work. If she is not completely over you, then this relationship will end eventually.

          Like I said before, I think it’s PROBABLY a rebound. And there’s a good chance that it will end. But there’s also a small chance that it won’t end and you will have to accept that. There’s nothing you can do about it. The best you can do is follow the 5 step plan and learn to be happy without your ex.

          • Kj October 7, 2014, 11:05 pm

            I have tried the 5 steps when this first happened it’s hard to do this when you have other negatives going on also.
            So even after these two months and how things have gone with the seriuos things said and what not and finding out she is possibly been seeing her friend who tattoos her. Is there actually a chance we could get back together

  • Cb October 1, 2014, 9:30 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I’ll say this first, I’m still in love with my ex but I don’t know if he’s still in love with me, he keeps giving me mixed signals. So me and my ex broke up towards the beginning of summer, and it was easy to not talk to him since we were out of school and lived about an hour away. But once school started, I see him all the time now and it’s hard to avoid him cause we have the same friends. He and my friends live in the same house, so I would go over for parties or whatever so we started talking again. I thought it would be a good idea to be friends so it wouldn’t be awkward for our mutual friends. However, he keeps being so weird when I’m around. One minute he’ll be nice to me, text me, blah blah and then when we’re around our friends he acts really cold. Well just when I thought we were finally becoming friends, he kisses me! We were both completely sober too. I feel like he’s just giving me false hope cause the next day he was all over this other girl, he was drunk though. One of our mutual friends told me he was still in love with me, but my friend was drunk when he said it. I asked my ex about it and he didn’t tell me he was but he didn’t deny it either. I’m so confused on what to think cause he never gave me a reason as to why we broke up in the first place, so it’s really hard to move on. I thought our relationship was great! The only problems I would have to say was that he spent way too much time playing video games and he wasn’t very good at communication.

  • KS October 3, 2014, 2:54 am

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex and I have been broken up for about 5 months now and I still can’t get over him. Neither one of us has dated anyone new during this time and we still talked and hung out during the break up, but now he won’t talk to me. I’ve been trying the no-contact period for a while now, but I’m not sure if it’s actually worth the wait or if I should just move on with my life. He works with my mom and asks about me constantly, I’m not sure what that means exactly. Anyway, I’m just curious if I should just move on or continue with the no-contact period.

  • Samantha Myers October 3, 2014, 9:56 pm

    My exboyfriend and I were together for 5 years and 4 months. We were a little distant towards the end. I know I got lazy with the relationship, I never thought he would break up with me. We’ve been friends for over 10 years. When we started dating, I was 18 and he was 17. When we broke up he texted me saying that he just didn’t see us working out in the future, that he still wants to be friends. Blah blah. I called, texted, I hit rock bottom. The next day he flew to North Carolina so we could have space, keep in mind we live 8 houses away from each other. I tried to text him to just let him know that I miss him. No response, which I figured. Then, he came back 3 weeks later, I broke down and my brother told him that I was a wreck and that he needs to talk to me. The next day he called me, said that us together just wasn’t right saying he didn’t wanna cheat on me because he would never do that. I saw him about 2 weeks ago, we talked, I was happy the entire time. Told him that not seeing us working in the future wasn’t a reason, he then said he just wasn’t happy. I asked why he didn’t do this in person he said “You know I dont like to see you upset.” I asked would he of been able to break uo with me in person, he said he probably wouldn’t of been able to go through with it. I asked how his time was in NC, and he asked what I’ve been up too. I told him I missed him as a person, he said he missed me too. He said he just can’t be in a relationship right now. I left. On Tuesday, my brother, who is friends with him said that he saw hickeys on his neck, and that just put me right back to rock bottom. Whether or not I know if he left me for someone else, I will never know. But I have an intuition that we are meant to be together. I don’t feel like we would of been together this long if it wasn’t meant to me. I need to change a lot because I wasn’t the best girlfriend. But I know I can change. Any thoughts on us getting back together.

  • Lisa October 4, 2014, 12:36 pm

    I was dating my boyfriend for 4 years and 3 months. We were high school sweethearts, each others first loves, I was his first time…
    2 months after we broke up I found out he cheated on me for 3 years with the same girl…who knew we were dating. Needless to say, they started dating less than a month after we broke up. We have been broken up for 5 months. He constantly tell her, his friends, and family that I am crazy. I don’t know what to do. I still love him and miss him like crazy. I have no tried contacting him in 6 weeks. I want him to realize he made a mistake.

  • Shahbaz Bhatti October 13, 2014, 8:10 am

    Kevin,
    I think you are my last hope………
    Today I have decided that I will break up with my girlfriend and my 7 month relationship came to an end. I love her to the core of my heart. She knew this even she has accepted my marriage proposal. Things were going great we text each other all most all day long. But suddenly things were changed when she told me that she was internally ill and she is tired of being alive. She said “I don’t want to live anymore, if I die after sometime you will miss me instead of it leave me.” She has repeatedly said it for 2 months. In those two months, for sometime I go through no contact rule. Once, she texted me and begging to me after 7 days that she wants me back but after 2 days she has changed suddenly and repeat the same things. Today I have texted her (A big mistake) after 14 days of no contact period because I missed her badly. I thought she will come back to me but I was wrong. She was as cold as she was which hurts me. I have told her I love her and that is never going to happen if we are together but she refused to be with me. Last, I asked her if you love me or not. And she replied “NO” After I got that text I abondoned myself to reply her back.

    She is completely opposite as she was. I don’t know what I have to do. I want her badly right now. I love her. Please tell me what I have to do now. I have lost my senses because she is the one whom I trust completely and blindly in this entire world.

    I am finished completely messed up 🙁

  • Clara October 18, 2014, 8:57 am

    Hi Kevin

    So my boyfriend and I of over 5 years broke up about two months ago (This is our second breakup). Just two weeks after our breakup he started seeing another girl, he even has her as his whatsapp profile picture! I did no contact for a month, then initiated contact but he did not reply to my text about meeting up for coffee. He followed and unfollowed me on instagram twice now(he only follows me for a few hours). He has since unfriended me on facebook. To make matters worse, apparently his father doesn’t want him to be with me & he very much values his opinion. Please help, do I go on no contact again or do I keep trying to get him to meet up with me?

    • Kevin October 19, 2014, 2:31 am

      Do no contact again for 2 months and try again. If still nothing, you should move on.

  • KJ October 20, 2014, 6:06 pm

    Hi, I felt the need to comment about my own situation. I am currently a hot, hot mess. My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago today via TEXT. I was so. upset. Essentially, he had gotten angry because i had blown up his phone the night before when he did something that upset me. I tried explaining that he knew what he did upset me so i aggravated him back but that ticked him off more. I tried explaining it was immature of me and I overreacted, but it was too late. He then told me it wasn’t always about me and I was selfish in a relationship, this wasn’t working, we aren’t good together. We are done. Don’t attempt to negotiate or make it better and please don’t respond to this text.
    Well, I of course responded which was a mistake bc he was angry. I said “you’re too much of a man to do this via text, right?” and he said no. that i wouldn’t “allow” it in person and he didn’t want to put up with drama. I proceeded to try and be the bigger person and give him space til later that day and called him “babe” and that caused him to say “please do not call me outside of my name. thank you”
    ..well a few hours later I texted some things I thought were mature and also about how I don’t think he would actually break up via text bc he knew a friend stopped talking to me like that before and he knew how much that broke me, and I didn’t think I was a jerk. I also restated I wanted to talk and definitely sent more than I should have, but not a full blow up. He didn’t respond and the next day I sent 2 long messages one saying he had been pushing me away since telling me he likes me and I wish he’d see his value…and that it wasn’t about me everything for me is about him. Then the other was about I didn’t think he would do that to me bc he wasn’t a jerk, etc. Also, a little background. He spent 1.5 years trying to get me date him when we were just friends. Then I kissed him in May of this year and admitted my feelings…we were “dating” but I didn’t make it official until July bc of my own anxieties, etc (even though I was completely in love with him) and I know that did damage. So in terms of being “done” and breaking up, we have thrown those words around wayyy too many times…and didn’t mean it. Our relationship had gotten into this really bad cycle of blowing up/ignoring but we recently had started to work on it bc I had stopped blowing up so much.
    So then I texted him again Tuesday about wishing we’d give it a real shot and how he’s always pushed me away then comes back and he replied saying we are broken up whether I accept it/admit it or not. Bye. I was livid. I blew him up with texts about I didn’t think he’d do that to me, thought he cared, he cared nothing bout me, I trusted him etc etc. I pushed him to the limit of saying “ok. I don’t care I didn’t care. Stop texting me. It’s stupid. I understand. You are hurt. So stop texting me.” then the same type of stuff continued and he said stop texting him, it’s annoying, then eventually said he was gonna ignore my texts so anything I send to him won’t reach him, adios.

    WELL. I definitely blew him up -_- he said he wasn’t gonna read them and had angrily said he didn’t care so I blew him up. I only called once and left an upset voicemail. Then I had calmed down and sent a text saying I want to talk. But then the next morn around 430 am I sent a few more long messages and the last one was I wouldn’t send anything else unless he reaches out (well, I had said that before and still had) and although those messages Wed. morn were less angry, he responded 4 hours later saying “If you continue to text me I will go to the police and open a case against you for stalking. bye” Of course this upset me but I handled it very maturely, I sent two long texts one saying i understand he’s hurt and angry but please don’t treat me that way and I’m still trusting him and would like to talk when we’re both cooled off. Well..he was still angry and said “Like I said, if I receive any more calls or messages I will go to the police. I’m not joking or playing, I will go to the police.” *Note* NONE of what I had sent him threatened to hurt him, me, or anyone. None of it was attacking him or anything manipulative that could be stalking or harrassment. **
    I of course knew he was just saying it from anger but I said “Do not keep texting me out of anger and threatening me. I understand you’re hurt and upset. I cannot reason with you. I won’t send anything else until you’re cooled off.”

    And he didn’t reply. And I also didn’t get any calls from the police so I was in the clear * I knew he wasn’t serious, I was just mad he said that, but he didnt follow through with ignoring my messages so I knew he wouldn’t follow through with that*
    Then Thursday night I just sent a quick apology for my own actions of blowing up, saying hurful things (when I accused him of not caring) and I was wrong for trying to force him to talk to me. He didn’t respond.

    I then have stayed quiet. Now it is Sunday. I’m so hurt and upset. I know most of our relationship problems were due to immaturity *we are 24 but both have baggage we hadn’t let go of and my anxiety and empty threats about leaving him at the beginning of the relationships didnt help*
    But he stuck with me that long, and he seemed to break up out of anger only..we had been improving from our bad cycle. I’m so broken. I love him so much. I just want him back. I started NC on 10/16 after sending that text, my first full day was 10/17 so today is only day 3. He hasn’t said a thing. His bday is on day 22 of NC and I really wanna say something but I don’t know if given our situation, I should wait the whole 30 days. I also saw today he commented #sexylikepepsi on a picture of two girls (one of his friends) dressed in blue and red. I don’t think anything is going on and I think he was just playing and I guess he is single but that comment upset me. I’m just terrified NC will cause him to move on to someone else. He’s told me before that no one upsets him as much as I do. I don’t know why I doubted him and would be anxious bc deep down I know I can trust him…my ex before him cheated on me and it took me a while to drop that. I’m trying to work on me during the NC time bc I know I need to in order to better ANY relationship with ANYONE. I just dont know if I can text him on his bday or if that’s too soon. OR if he will never contact me again given his angry threat about the police although I believe that was his way of screaming he needed space. I know I don’t need him, but I want him. I liked him for most of our friendship but hid my feelings bc I was scared of getting hurt and then when we did start dating, the dynamic switched and it seemed unhealthy. He also would get upset when I couldn’t make his lunch breaks so I know we both have to grow up. Any advice would be helpful. I’ve already realized a lot with Nc and am gonna pour into myself. I have anxiety issues I need to get more help with, even if that means taking off from my job for a while (its really stressful in nature) I also know I cannot and should not look at his facebook- I looked from a diff account bc mine is blocked. But I know I cannot repeat that offense. I really want to text him happy bday like I said but don’t know if day 22 is too soon given what went down ..
    Before this when we were friends, we got along great, like wonderfully. And we did in person as well! All of our fights were via text. I recognize I have to work on my insecurites and drop my baggage as my ex before this one cheated on me and I took that out on this ex…which wasn’t fair to him. He had told me he loved me a lot but when things got rocky which kinda came when the blow up/ignore cycle started, he dind’t say it for a while and when we starting doing better recently, that was coming back and when I pointed out a month or so ago he hadn’t said it for a while he said “you know I love you.” etc…
    I just need some advice. Today is now day 4 of no contact and I am TRIPPING. I know he only threatened his stupid contacting the police thing bc he didn’t want to talk but I’m concerned he will think I’m not contacting him bc of that (when I’m not contacting him on my own accord.) I also only texted a lot and had only called once…and that lasted 1 day. The day of I texted quite a few too I guess, then the day after I didn’t, then I only did the next day bc of an argument -.- But I need advice. I want to know I will still be able to get him back. I’m working on loving myself more and dropping my insecurities from my relationship before him. I didn’t fully trust him even though I had no reason to not trust him, I was just afraid. We were good friends for a while before this and I’ve seen how well we get along. Due to that and the fact our fights were via text where misunderstanding runs rampant, I feel we didn’t give it a real shot. We should have communicated better in person as well. That didn’t happen when it was rockiest in the middle. Then when we were improving he gets angry and breaks up via text … I also know I need to wrk on me for this to work out, I just think it can given our past before I let my insecurities run rampant and we would text out of emotion/immature things. Advice would be great 🙂 His bday is before day 30 of no contact… I’m guessing you will recommend I tell him happy belated 10 days later lol I’m worried he will take that personally but I don’t know. I do *think* though that his anger was just masking the fact he is hurt, but I want him to love me and care enough to want me back. I just don’t know if I have a chance…he was so ANGRY with me and he broke it off! :O

    • Kevin October 21, 2014, 7:00 am

      You can text him on his birthday, but keep it short and to the point (that is to wish him happy birthday)

      • KJ October 21, 2014, 7:39 am

        Thanks. Does this situation seem like a lost cause given how explosive it was at the *very beginning* of break up? One of my friends believes he may not ever talk to me again due to how angry he was…And if he were to respond to happy birthday would I not respond furthermore?

        • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:08 am

          If he responds, you should not respond further. Most breakups are explosive in the beginning and the anger usually subsides after a while. You do have a chance.

          • KJ October 22, 2014, 11:12 am

            Okay, thank you! If i Say happy bday how long is best before I send anything to him again (Even if he replies) I hope the anger will subside, we just needed to grow up and I’m hoping he still cares

          • Kevin October 24, 2014, 7:41 am

            2 weeks.

          • zuzu1000 October 24, 2014, 11:29 am

            Okay. If I text him Happy Bday I will wait 2 more weeks… is it good to text that? Or does it not matter if I do or dont? Also, today is NC day 8 for me…he hasn’t contacted me once. I’m freaking out. I have started working on me though and want him to know that.. :/ I want him to know I realized my anxieties/insecurities from my ex before him cheating on me were still there and I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the start..but then now I”m working on me…and this space is good but I do NOT want him to think we aren’t good for each other..bc our only arguments were via text! etc. I’m guessing telling him would psychologically backfire somehow though? :/ I just dont want him to think we aren’t good together or keep thinking that 🙁 Advice?

          • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:52 am

            You can’t control what he is thinking and you can’t guess it either. You should stop trying to figure it out. Just concentrate on yourself right now.

          • KJ October 25, 2014, 9:03 am

            Okay.. Thanks. I’m trying! Easier said than done! So the following text I drafted (but did not send) is not a good idea to send yet? I’m just getting worried he won’t think any of our relationship was good..it was in person but then we’d go a couple days with the stupid blowing up/ignoring cycle for a while and finally were working on that..but this text I shouldn’t send him at all or should send after nc?…. “Hi, I understand how unfair i was blowing up ever & threatening you to lose me. I hurt you &acted in a way that wasn’t right at all. I feel awful simply bc I took my anxiety/past of being cheated on/fear out on you when it was really my own inability to let fears go at the time & control my own emotions.”

          • Kevin October 27, 2014, 10:22 am

            Don’t send it right now. If you want to send it after no contact, you should include it in the letter mentioned in the 5 Step plan. You can include this part as the apology.

        • KJ October 27, 2014, 12:17 pm

          Thanks. The problem is I would go to his work so often I know that address and his home address i *think* I know the exact number and I know where it’s at of course…but I wouldn’t want to mail to the wrong number just bc I would go there and not pay attention to the address :/ maybe it won’t be needed or maybe I can try a text first then maybe the letter if that fails? I am staying strong but it has been 11 days now and this is so hard! I could drive by his house and get the number tho -.- smh

          • KJ October 27, 2014, 12:42 pm

            Nvm I remember it! I knew 3 of the 4 numbers on the street and I got it now 🙂 so yeah maybe I will write the letter then text 2 weeks later if I haven’t heard?

          • Kevin October 28, 2014, 10:37 am

            You can also send an email instead of hand written letter.

          • KJ October 28, 2014, 6:32 pm

            It’s better to apologize after doing NC? I’m on day 12 and feeling great right this min (but now always) and when I feel great I wanna text him “I needed this. You knew I needed this..Blowing up was unfair&hurtful.. I had no reason not to trust; it was my inability to face MY insecurity. I control it it doesn’t control me:)” but then I’m worried he’s still upset.
            But then I’m worried if I don’t, he will think I won’t ever change! And we don’t have each other on social media so how will he know? I keep getting in my own head… We would have been so functional had I not blown his phone up out of anxiety…I want him to know now that I’ll change. I’m unsure if me saying nothing is effective? Bc he had threatened me with saying I was stalking bc I blew up his phone one day…granted I responded twice after that but he could still think my silence is due to that? Is there any way he has already moved on and would never consider me as an option due to me being so anxious and clingy (out of fear) when we did date?

          • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:54 am

            I don’t think sending a message right now will be very effective. Anyone can say that they have changed and they’ll never do the same mistakes again. But it doesn’t prove anything. If you think sending a message like that will prevent him from moving on, then you are mistaken. It will probably just come off as an attempt to stop him from moving on. And that action itself seems needy.

            Sending the letter after no contact is effective because I tell you to keep it short and mention that you both need space right now. It doesn’t seem like an attempt to stop him from moving on. Especially if you include the “we both need some space right now” part. And when you are apologizing in the letter, keep it as short as possible and don’t blame yourself too much in it.

            If you are thinking he will move on in 30 days, he won’t. It’s very hard for someone to move on so fast. So relax. Give him time to process whatever happened. Don’t try to influence his thought process right now. Let it take it’s course. Let him come to his own conclusions. You do the same. Contact him after 30 days. It will not be too late.

        • KJ October 30, 2014, 10:37 am

          Wtf I just got a text from him “Hey I’m going to be late to the meeting, just left court”
          Did he actually mess up or was that intentional -.-
          I don’t think anyone he works with has my name and he hasn’t messed up like this ever before…
          Is it possible he purposely sent me this and wanted me to respond for him to say “wrong person” or do you think it was 100% mistake????

          • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:22 pm

            I can’t be sure KJ. Neither can you. There’s no point thinking about it.

          • KJ October 31, 2014, 7:53 pm

            Yeah, I stayed strong and didn’t respond 🙂 If it was a mistake, best for him not to see me as “needy”…responding to anything I can get!
            If it was intentionally sent to provoke me, best for him to see I’m growing up and will no longer react the way I would have reacted 2-3 weeks ago 🙂

          • KJ November 5, 2014, 2:49 pm

            Ughh I need help again. Two days ago he liked two of my instagram pictures…he doesn’t follow me so he intentionally looked me up and liked them :/ he hasn’t done or said anything since. In the past this was how he showed me after fights he was still there but this was an actual break up this time. Should I reaxh out? That happened on day 18 of no contact and now I am on day 20 :'( why is he contacting me indirectly!? Ugh and he looked me up intentionally too blahhh what to do? Also his bday is in two days x.x

          • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:03 am

            If you want, you can send a short text on his birthday, but nothing more than that. It’s a good sign, but don’t over think it and don’t contact him until no contact is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan.

          • KJ November 7, 2014, 8:04 am

            I sent “Have a wonderful 25th birthday. Hope you get lots of pecan&apple pie& 25 ninja turtle cupcakes.”
            He responded 40 minutes later saying “thank you”
            Is that good or bad (BC he didn’t say anything else)
            Now I am staying quiet probably at least another week. I’m confused though he tries getting my attention then all he says is “thank you” o.O

          • Kevin November 8, 2014, 3:18 am

            It’s neither good nor bad. Continue with no contact. Remember that you must satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan before ending no contact.

  • drive October 24, 2014, 11:14 pm

    Are rebound relationships likely to last or fail if the ex is in the picture? For example, if my ex jumped into a new relationship immediately after we broke up, will that rebound relationship last for as long as i stay in the picture or in contact with my ex or will it likely fail?

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:55 am

      It will run it’s course faster if you do no contact.

  • paul November 5, 2014, 11:09 pm

    Kevin,
    Me and my ex have been been broken up for about three weeks now. This is the thing, she has a lot of trust issues, but I’ve been more than willing to work with them and re-assure her. She broke up with me because she needs to get her life together, and be ready for something as serious. She says she still loves me and says that she misses me sometimes, what do I do? We even had a brief no-contact period, which she broke and called me twice. She even says she knows she wants to be with me, but she just can’t right now, she just needs space. I know it seems simple, but sometimes, maybe it’s my own paranoia, it seems like she’s moving away from me, but it turns out she’s dealing with a lot. One day she’ll text me, others not so much at all.
    Help!

  • Tanya November 11, 2014, 10:31 am

    I have never been in a relationship before I met the love of my life so I will say that I’m a bit inexperienced in the relationship field. However, I should not fully blame my inexperience for me cheating on my boyfriend (now ex) of 6 years. I am so remorseful for what I’ve done and I hate myself everyday for causing him SO MUCH PAIN. I’ve prayed to God endlessly for help — to have my ex boyfriend recover from his pain, hurt, anger and other emotions I’ve caused him. I cannot forgive myself unless he is happy and has gotten over all this.
    On the other hand, I pray to God to allow us two to renew our relationship. To move past the pain we’ve been through and make a new and MUCH STRONGER future. I also pray that he can trust me again and know that I won’t be unfaithful again. We definitely lacked in communication and that was the reason I cheated. I take full responsibility in my wrongdoing and know that I will never do such a thing EVER. It’s not worth the hurt.
    I doubt he will give me a second chance. We were also so close to getting married…

  • Tyler November 14, 2014, 4:32 pm

    Hey Kevin, me and this girl dated for a month and a half. She broke up with me two days ago over making stupid desicions and I called her a name. She said she still cares about me and we are still friends. We both told each other we loved each other when we were dating I’m still madly in love with her. She might get a new boyfriend or girlfriend. What should I do?

    • Tyler November 14, 2014, 4:44 pm

      (more info) I’ve already spoken to her since we broke up. Should I stop?

  • Ana November 24, 2014, 4:42 pm

    Hi! This is the second time i leave a comment. Last time was on a post related to no contacts. The thing is that i followed your advice and began to talk with my ex and then i asked him if he still have feelings for me, the answer was no. I felt relieved but at the same time sad, because i found out that i still care for him.
    And i am here again because he stills text me when i change my status and also, he found another way to contact me, he always ask me about math even if i say that i dont remember anything. The last time we talked was last week, i told him i was outside and couldnt help him with his math homework, but then he wanted to know if i went outside with my sister and why am i still late outside.
    So, what you think about this?

    • james November 28, 2014, 11:27 am

      How old are you guys?

      • Ana December 5, 2014, 3:04 pm

        He is 24 and i am 25.

      • Ana December 5, 2014, 7:15 pm

        Why do you ask about the age?

  • Mary November 24, 2014, 6:17 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I have been reading your blog and this specific post made me question a few things. I really hope you can help me.
    My ex broke up with me about three months ago and we have not stopped being in contact since then for a number of reasons. A couple of weeks ago he started “casually” seeing a girl that we both know and his behavior towards me changed completely. Since I could not deal with this I told him that I wanted to end whatever relationship we still had left because it was too painful and because I felt like he was using me. He asked me to give him a chance to prove to me how much he cares and how much he wants us to be good friends. I said I just couldn’t deal with his new relationship and he asked me to give him 10 days to prove to me that it was worth it; part of what he promised was that he would not see her at all during this time. It has been four days and so far he has been great, we have talked about how we feel and solutions to our constant fighting (still no mention of getting back together), we’ve made nice plans and he makes sure to call and watch the small details. I am just very worried I’m misreading this and he truly wants to be just friends, or if his efforts mean something else. I don’t know how to handle myself and I don’t want to be disappointed again.
    I hope you can help

    • Kevin November 25, 2014, 4:02 am

      Hey Mary,

      I think it’s a good sign. Although you will have to take the plunge eventually and ask him to get back together. If he says no, then you should cut the friendship. I recommend you wait 3-4 weeks for him to make a move. And if he doesn’t you should ask him to get back together. If he says no, you should start no contact.

      • Mary November 25, 2014, 7:52 am

        Kevin thank you for your prompt answer. It makes me very hopeful that you see it as a good sign but I am still worried that after the 10 days that he promised to not see the girl anymore and try really hard to prove to me he cares, he will go back to her after he sees that everything is alright with me. This is a legitimate worry because he keeps repeating that he wants friendship friendship friendship and I just don’t want to be disappointed. You think I should wait those 3-4 weeks without no contact being necessary? Also what behavior should I have towards him because he’s been great and I have nothing bad to say but I feel like it would just play against me to seem like everything is just fine, when in truth I don’t want friendship and just want to get him back.

        • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:28 am

          Hey Mary,

          If he goes back to that girl after 10 days, tell him you are not ready for friendship yet and start no contact. There’s no point in putting yourself in that position where he is friends with you and in a relationship with someone else. When you start no contact, he will either come back to you, or go to his rebound (which will eventually end). After no contact, when you are ready, you can get back in touch and slowly rebuild attraction.

  • confusedbutok February 14, 2015, 8:26 pm

    My first text exchange with my ex gf she became very hostile and the convo ended with her saying things like “delete my number or I’ll block you” because I made a sarcastic comment when she mentioned she’s with someone new who makes her very happy. I waited a little over a week and sent an apology email using the “clean slate apology” method.

    She texted saying thanks for the apology and we could be friends as long as I’m not trying to get back with her. That she’s used to exes doing that. Why would she say this?

    I said it’s fine I genuinely care about you and would like to be on good terms. She said ok we are on good terms, how are you? I replied and dropped a subtle reminder about something that happened in our relationship pertaining to my response and then she stopped texting.

    Has my apology caused her to go into indifference towards me?

    • Kevin February 15, 2015, 6:22 am

      Hey,

      No, the apology was fine. But I think it would have been better if you waited a while before trying to remind her of good times in the relationship. She probably saw through that. I think you still should do no contact for a while. Two weeks at least (preferably a month). Then take it from there.

      • confusedbutok February 15, 2015, 8:15 am

        So when I reach out again I shouldn’t mention any good times from the relationship? How should I treat it.

        It’s confusing because some people say to use reminders as a reason why you’re texting like “hey (tv show we used to watch) was just on. Have you been following?”

        Or do I keep it super casual “how’ve you been doing?”

        • Kevin February 17, 2015, 7:21 am

          Those reminders are good, but only after a period of no contact and/or if you are on friendly terms with her. In your case, she has her defences on and is looking for signs that you want her back. There could be other reasons that she didn’t reply which we can’t guess. Perhaps she was just busy and it had nothing to do with what you messaged her.

          Either ways, I think it’s better if you do a little bit of no contact and start fresh. Even if you want to use the reminder text, you should do no contact.

          • confusedbutok February 17, 2015, 9:57 am

            Thank you. In her case I do believe she might be aware that I want her back.

            Is it bad I agreed to be “friends”? In terms of reconciliation, some people suggest to never do that.

            When we do brief text exchanges she almost always stops responding even if I’m not bringing up past memories or hinting of reconciliation. When that happens should I wait till she initiates or try every week with small talk?

          • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:50 am

            It’s not bad you agreed to be friends. It’s actually a good way to show her the positive changes you’ve made in your life. If she is cold in texting, you should back off and either let her initiate or wait couple of weeks to start again.

          • confusedbutok February 22, 2015, 10:38 pm

            Ok so now I noticed she puts the brakes on when I try to deepen a conversation with her. I’m not talking about the past or relationship talk just general topics. She’ll just stop responding if the conversation seems to start rolling.

            Should I just ask her to meet and catch up or build more rapport via texts first?

          • Kevin February 23, 2015, 10:43 am

            Nope, it’s better to back off. She is not ready for that yet. Give her time. Do no contact.

  • confusedbutok February 25, 2015, 2:11 pm

    Kevin I’m confused. Why does an ex girlfriend need to feel like you’re over her before she could ever come back? Seems contradictory

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:25 am

      It’s because at the moment, they don’t want to get back together. And they are always on their toes around you because they think you will try to convince them to get back together. As soon as they get the slightest clue, they put up their defences. But if you can show them you have moved on, it’ll give you a chance to make them attracted to you again by spending time with them. If you have really changed in a positive way, they will get attracted to you again and the thought of getting back together will start popping in their head.

      • confusedbutok February 26, 2015, 2:03 pm

        I see. My ex gf seems super stubborn and I sense she’s forcing herself to move on even though she may still want to be with me. We broke up because she said I didn’t appreciate her because towards the end I started nagging about her behavior a little so she just ended things partly because she felt I was going to first. Since then she’s been stubborn and has came up with many reasons in her head to justify her decision. How can I turn something like this around? Seems different than a loss of attraction. She won’t even let me have conversations with her, she just stops the momentum.

        • Kevin February 27, 2015, 7:14 am

          No contact. Do it again. And during that time, actually try to move on. There are no magic words you can say right now that will make her put down her defences. Giving her time and backing off whenever she gets defensive is the best thing to do.

          • confusedbutok February 27, 2015, 7:27 am

            No contact for 30 days or? I’m so conflicted with advice. One website says you need to be in constant contact for her to get comfortable having you around again. But her responses are for the most part neutral and drops off. Our last text exchange I said “drive safe I just spun out on the highway” she replied “Geez are you ok?” And I said “I’m a little shook up I’ll talk to you later” should I just leave her hanging or get back to her? This was two days ago

          • Kevin February 28, 2015, 2:05 am

            If you ex is warm to your responses, then yes staying in contact helps. But like you said, she is not warm and is cutting you off in middle of conversation. That’s a sign that she is not ready for that yet. If you are not going to do no contact. At least, do limited contact. Only talk to her if she initiates.

      • confusedbutok March 24, 2015, 3:53 pm

        What if you agreed to be friends after a no contact period and they’re in a new relationship. Would being aloof and waiting for her to initiate be the best way of handling it so things could turn into something romantic?

  • Cara October 7, 2015, 9:04 am

    My ex and I have been on and off since April. He’s been in and out of my life periodically, but came crawling back in the beginning of the month. He has been asking me to hang out, but when he gets drunk will get mad at me and tell me he doesn’t want to speak to me, but will text me the next day. I’ve also made some amateur mistakes by thinking we were back together,acting too couplely too soon, asking who he was texting, and telling my friends information about our relationship. One day he totally blew up and said that we had a great night, but I ruined everything. I sent him a text apologizing for my behavior and that we need to communicate more. He never tells me what’s wrong until he gets drunk, and that’s usually just half the story. I want things to work. Please help me!

  • Cara October 7, 2015, 9:28 am

    When I did apologize for making him upset, he responded with “forget about it”

  • angie October 24, 2015, 1:30 pm

    Thanks guys..
    I stumbled across this article trying to understand why my ex of 6 months keeps texting me the same 1 liner which leads to no conversation.

    Your article put a smile on my face and I laughed out loud at the last section. You are right 🙂

  • Bernie October 28, 2015, 4:05 pm

    Hi, thanks for all the advice here. Im just battling with a complex case over LDR, with limited information available. Its gonna be long, so 56k modems beware !

    My Ex and I were in a very strong, emotionally charged LDR for about 3 months. Despite the deep respect, compliments and excellent best-friendship we shared, we were both very poor at arguing, making us both feel bad, our emotions took over our personalities, we’d eventually aplogise but for her, I think she held on, and I clamed up a bit. She still said she loved me, made plans to do things etc. Then, BOOM, I talked about having a bit of trouble getting the money together so we could meet, she became so dissapointed and sad, she never recovered, even a day later, I made a plan and showed her I was booking tickets. I feel punished for being openly honest, because Im sure it wouldnt have ended soon after. Within the space of a 2 days, she grew very distant, then pretty much didnt initiate any contact with me for a week. I became very needy and whiny, sending long romantic walls of text, instead of just playing it cool and asking to talk with her properly. She didnt reply most of the time. Then, at the end of that week, she finally breaks up with me, with a “its not you, its me”, I keep asking for the truth, to know what I had done wrong, what she needed to be fixed, she says “you were perfect, but I am interested in someone else, someone from the past I have history with, you dont know about him”, and listed some of the traits that “he has” i didnt, like being closer by (still different cities), and being approved for by his parents (i had a small mom issue i shared with her), she actually talked openly with me about her exes early on, we got all our baggage out and shared it, and this one doesnt fit any picture or evidence I have seen, if i remember, he was just a childhood friend from long ago she maintained contact with.

    What I am struggling with, is she really trying to let me down softly with a white lie ? She said the very nicest things, that I will move on, to not let the breakup kill me, i will meet another woman to replace her, and that she wishes me the very best. She even said, she may just stay single until the end of her degree (despite the, interested in another guy story). She said “I think I cant be in LDR”, blamed age barrier and language barrier, when, those were never the problem, just any excuse to not try again, i dont believe she knows why we broke up. We were extremely commited to each others success and supported one another. Also, I was the one who initiated the relationship, she told me early on, she was never looking for one, because of her study commitments.

    The same day, after the breakup, I took a long hard look at myself, and saw, I had become needy and codependent on her in the space of 5 weeks. This epiphany came a little too late I guess, but, I messaged her the next day, totally upbeat about my day, she gave me a positive response with a “:)” at the end, then, I said, I understood I had changed, and that the old me she knew was back, and I got an indifferent “uhmm ok, good for you”. one message the next day, also only a short reply.
    So, i know she replies to my messages now.

    Then, on another IM, where I had left her a message from breakup day, she responds with “uhm ok. I only wish you the best”.

    My concerns are, is she really upset, are these mixed messages, was I just a rebound , or are there just no feelings left in her for me because she had a week or more to plan this (apparently, I was supposed to be the one to breakup, so I could feel good about it, thats why the neglect).

    I’ve mentally moved on, from the old relationship, and I know I could live without her. I deleted all pictures and messages to help myself. But, the connection we had was really good, excellent chemistry and sexuality, with many shared interests and traits, as well as many differences that we had already embraced.

    I’ve considered NC to let everything cool off, but I fear, she may be pulled in by another Ex from 9 months ago who keeps hanging around her “as just a friend”, despite her trash talking him with me , lamenting his poor self esteem, and saying she never goes back to an ex. I know we both just made silly communication mistakes, there was a really good foundation, and i was the one who initiated a fast paced progression, when she had resisted originally, but then enjoyed it all.

    I know, I have learnt my lesson, I wont be needy with her again (printed it out and stuck it to the wall). I just want to tell her, I understand her decision to break up, I forgive her and myself, and that we should try a new start, with lessons learnt, so we can support each other and bring happiness to one another once more. She said during breakup, to stay friends, but wont accept my FB request that I then canceled (probably to not give me hope ?), eventhough she would answer in chat, we still have skype too. I was the one, who removed contact options, after the breakup, not her. She also said during breakup, to not ask her back or have any hope for something more, even repeatedly said “dont do something you will regret” (i think, get in a plane and just show up). Isnt this some kind of double speak, her trying to convince herself by telling me ?

    I dont want to seem needy again, but I dont want to throw away an opportunity to meet this person and build a very good life, that I had not seen possible in other girls before. I’d like to fight for her, not with her. I was thinking of asking one of our mutual friends i got along with, and she confided in about us, but she was much closer to this girlfriend than I, and I fear, I may get reported just for asking. The idea of NC for too long, is scary, especially I have no other way of keeping tabs on her. Is it alright to talk about, “the relationship” without blame, just, honestly talk about how we had just caused each other small hurts in foolishness,got lost in emotions we didnt know how to talk about after a while, even when we promised we would. Is it ok, to reminisce, and give the other person compliments about all the reasons you like them, and why it is worth a shot, to at least, become friends or best-friends as we were ?

    Bless you all, thank you for reading this monster, any replies are welcome 🙂

  • John November 4, 2015, 9:58 am

    Hey, the girl I was seeing (I say seeing because we were dating and having sex etc but didn’t put a stamp on it saying we were official). Dumped me out of the blue a few days ago. Everything seemed fine and we were happy and I was probably missing any signs of her being off put. I did seem to be more into it than she was. Anyway, we haven’t spoke in a few days and the only thing I said to her when she dumped me was that I didn’t want to put any pressure on her, and that I was sorry about how she felt but couldn’t understand why and said okay.. Basically. Now I do wanna get her back but she does seem to just be unsure and said she did like me but not enough to get serious. ( because I was maybe rushing without knowing.) She is pretty popular with the guys so should I continue to bide my time in hope for her to make first contact? Or should I try rekindle the contact smoothly by at least saying sorry and I can understand why she broke up with me then maybe she’ll see that I can atleast understand. Or should I just move on? It seems a very small issue to me and hopefully easy to sort out.

    Thanks

    • Kevin November 5, 2015, 2:20 am

      Hey John,

      Do no contact for at least two weeks and then send the text mentioned in the 5 step plan.

  • moa January 15, 2016, 8:42 pm

    This website is great!! thnx Kevin for everything you are truly helpin me a lot thank you again!!.

  • Shruti February 27, 2016, 4:11 am

    Dont worry just wait i think he’ll come back for you

  • Pam July 15, 2016, 10:08 am

    I don’t understand why he is so angry and mean to me. He lost his temper over nothing. Then I found out about another girl (many years ago and we where in a different phase) plus drug use. I haven’t said anything awful just that I wanted to be left alone. He had already told me he hates me and to burn in hell (seriously? ) but keeps contacting me. He is angry every time he texts. I told him how destroyed I was feeling and nothing. Just anger. So I said it was all too much and I just wanted to be left alone. (Which BTW is one of his signature phrases so I thought it was good to put it that way). And he keeps saying hurtful things. He is so angry. I cannot believe the lack of empathy in him. Like I told him the new info broke my heart. And he ends with “leave me alone too then I didn’t really want to see you anyway”. (I have been leaving him alone. Although not ignoring him when he messages. ). I’m so confused. Why is he being mean to me ??

    • Kevin July 16, 2016, 11:57 pm

      Hey Pam,

      Ignore him when he messages. He will go through phases of anger, neediness, desperation and perhaps will go overboard to try to make you jealous and hurt you more. But he will eventually calm down.

      If you want, you can warn him beforehand that you will be doing this. Tell him that you need space and time and if he messages or contacts you again, you will ignore him. And if you feel the need to do so, you are free to block him as well.

  • lindsay August 22, 2016, 5:21 am

    My boyfriend split up from me last night where supposed to be getting married. he split from me because I deleted a message of a male knowing he’d kick off if he saw it was only a male mate. he then thought I’d split from him I went to his kicking off then went back n apoligised now he doesn’t want to know me.I want him back I love him so much but he doesn’t believe me, what can I do iv tried showing him.I’ve left him alone I can’t loose him

    • Kevin August 22, 2016, 7:33 am

      Hey,

      Give him space. He will come to his senses when he calms down.

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