Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.

I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly.

Who this article is for?

This article is for anyone looking to get an ex back. May it be your ex girlfriend, ex boyfriend, ex wife, ex husband or an ex fiancé. May it be a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you just broke up, and are thinking about winning your ex back, you will find this article helpful and enlightening.

However, if you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.

It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups).

Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

UPDATE: I’ve updated this article in 2018 to include case studies and more details about specific situations. To read the case studies, just click on them to expand.

This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

Let’s begin. Here’s how to get your ex back.

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.

Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.

So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

Your instinct fool you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.

Your thought pattern becomes something like

  1. If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
  2. If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, he’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you.

Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.

And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?

Or do you want them to respect and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

doormat in relationships

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.

How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.

How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you.

In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.

I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.

I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs).

And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.

In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.

Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.

They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.

They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)

Deadly Mistake Number 6: Name Calling and Anger

Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.

It’s pretty obvious that doing this will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious to your instincts.

If you used to abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.

Your instinct wants to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.

The same way it happened when you both fought.

This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.

Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

Case Study 1: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn

Terry and Amanda fought bad. So bad that the neighbors had to knock on their doors at least once a month.

Threatening to leave each other was a very common occurrence in their fights.

But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors and was ashamed of herself and her partner. She was tired of the relationship pattern.

The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.

At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.

She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.

He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.

Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.

It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.

He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.

Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.

The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other,
they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.

Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.

The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.

“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry

Deadly Mistake Number 7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation

The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.

Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.
Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It will ask questions like,

  • “Is my ex missing me?”
  • “Does he still love me?”
  • “What can I do to get him back instantly?”
  • “Will she start dating someone already?”
  • “She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
  • “He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
  • “My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”

If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.

I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.

It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.

These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.

Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following

“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”

Do you see the problem here?

Your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.

No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.

These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.

In fact, most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through.

They are a result of panicked mind that is trying to do an impossible task.

Moreover, when you are trying to interpret your ex’s action and social media activity, you will probably misinterpret them and do something to push them away.

For example,

  • If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
  • If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
  • If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
  • If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. This will probably make you freak out, call them and act controlling and borderline crazy.

The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.

It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back.

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.

It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

Case Study 2: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back

The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.

She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.

She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.

But all she could get from her ex was this line.

“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”

She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.

She did manage to get him back by following this exact plan.

The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.

When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.

“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny

 

STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.

It’s simple and very effective.

All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
  • No keeping tabs on them via friends.

Why do no contact?

For three reasons

Reason 1 : Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.

People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.

But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give him time to miss you more and he will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting him.

Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting him, you immediately become not needy in his mind.

Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.

Reason 2: You also need some space and time.

You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.

It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.

Before you try to get your ex back, you need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex.

You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.

Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

Reason 3: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.

You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 days

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

  • What if my ex moves on during no contact?
  • What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact?
  • What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?

No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.

You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days.

And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

What if My ex and I have Children?

If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.

You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.

You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you personal question, you tell them something like,

“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”

What if my ex and I live together?

If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.

If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.

My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?

That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.

If you are reading this article, then that means you have already tried to convince them that things will be different this time. That you will put in more effort and will be committed. That you will care.

And it didn’t work.

The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you are doing all of this because you are afraid of losing them. You are showing that you care because you are needy and desperate. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.

Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.

And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.

You can let them know beforehand that you are doing no contact to heal and to think things through. That this does not mean you don’t care about them and you are moving on. That it just means that you are taking some space to figure out what your issues are and what you can do to overcome them.

This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.

What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, no, that’s not a good question.

In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.

Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.

But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.

You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.

But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.

A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.

They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.

There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.

  • They might start contacting you every day.
  • They might get angry.
  • They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
  • They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
  • They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
  • The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.

I’ll soon write an article in detail about everything that your ex might do during no contact and how you should react to it. Check back on this space later to read that article. For now, let’s move on to what your focus should be during no contact. (Read more about the no contact rule here.)

Case Study 3: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.

Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.

Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.

When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.

Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.

He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.

A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.

Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.

The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.

She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.

Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.

She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.

He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.

“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”

This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.

He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.

Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.

“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer

STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.

If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.

Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.

But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.

You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.

 

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.

And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.

Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.

You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.

Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits

In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.

  • Controlling Nature
  • Extreme Jealousy
  • Insecurity
  • Lack of Passion
  • Low Self-Esteem
  • Lack of Personal Hygiene
  • Lack of Motivation in Life
  • Lack of Communication Skills
  • Lack of Social Skills
  • Inability to Trust
  • Inability to Commit

If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them. If you don’t know how to work on these issues, speak to a counselor or therapist.

I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

  1. I love my ex.
  2. I can’t live without my ex.
  3. I am miserable without my ex.
  4. He/She was the only one for me.
  5. I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.

It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.

However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.

Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.

You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.

Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.

Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.

Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.

And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now.

So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.

Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.

And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.

Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It

Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.

There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.

But in most cases, the reason for breakup can be boiled down to the loss of one of the following.

  • Attraction
  • Connection
  • Or Trust

For example,

  • You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
  • You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
  • Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you.
  • You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
  • Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
  • Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.

You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.

There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.

Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup

If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.

If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.

And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.

It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

Case Study 4: He Came Back, but it Was No Happy Ending

Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.

If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say

“Obsessed with her ex.”

She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.

She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.

Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.

Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.

She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.

That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.

Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.

A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.

They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.

Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.

The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.

This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.

Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.

STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect.

After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you.

They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you.

They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM.

That’s the new and improved you.

YOU version 2.0.

They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

When is The Right Time to Contact My Ex?

The right time to contact your ex is when you are ready. It’s not so much about when they will miss you most, but about when you are ready to handle it without becoming needy and desperate again.

Believe me, a lot of guys and girls screw up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually starts fine because their ex misses them due to no contact, but they soon go back to being cold when they figure out you have been faking. And they can always tell if you are faking.

So before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)

 

 

What is The Right Way To Contact Your Ex?

The best way to contact your ex after no contact is to send them a text, an email or a hand written letter.

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

The medium which you use to contact your ex does not matter that much. What matters is the content of this message. I call this the Elephant in The Room Message because you should acknowledge the Elephant in the room (that you both broke up and whatever happened after) and reset your image in the eyes of your ex.

This message has three purposes.

Purpose 1: To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.

You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.

Purpose 2: To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.

You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.

Purpose 3: To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life.

You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.

You want to give them something to chew on.

They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you.

Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.

If you want a sample message written for you, I share it in email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.

Case Study 5: She left him for her ex. But he used the right message at the right time and got her back.

Alex was a slob. He played video games all day and didn’t really have any motivation in his life. His ex loved him but slowly stopped feeling attracted to him. He didn’t put in much effort in trying to make the relationship work.When her ex came into the picture, she hid it from him. When he found out, they had a fight and she left him.

He begged, pleaded and did everything he could do. He wrote her a really long letter and left it outside her apartment.

In case you are wondering, this was not the magic letter. In fact, this letter was the exact opposite of what I usually recommend. It was long and everything he wrote in it reeked of neediness and desperation.

Her ex replied whenever he texted her, but she was always cold. She refused to meet him. After about a month, she got back together with her ex. An ex, who used to be abusive at one point of time.

Alex got his act together. He realized he needed to make a lot of changes if he wants to get her back. He started focusing on his career, got in shape and got rid of his video games.

He messaged her again telling her how he has changed and that she should give him a chance. But her replies were still cold. She still refused to meet him.

When he came to me, he still loved her and wanted to give it a real shot. We realized that even though he has made all these changes, he still hasn’t changed one important thing.

He was still needy and desperate and was seeing his ex through rose colored glasses. She lied to him about her ex which was a huge red flag. And if he wanted to get her back, he must stop being needy and be realistic about her.

I asked him to do no contact again for month. Do the Advanced Healing Worksheets. Once he was ready, we drafted a letter together.

He sent her the letter via email. To be honest, we both weren’t expecting much. But his ex replied positively. They both spoke on text messages for a couple of days before deciding to meet up.

The change in him was obvious because the letter we drafted showed that his perspective has changed about this situation and he isn’t really needy anymore. This caused his ex to instantly feel attracted to him and was very curious in meeting him.

When they met, his behavior, his vibe and his confidence confirmed what his ex has been thinking. That he is a changed person. A confident person who isn’t needy and desperate. Someone who doesn’t need to be with her. But wants it.

They got back together after she broke up with her ex.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages.

You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both.

In most cases, I highly recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before trying to speak to your ex casually. An effective first contact letter can really help change the way your ex thinks about you.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts.

If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend texting for serious conversations.

But if you don’t have an option, make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my texting article)

Here are three basic rules for texting your ex.

Texting Rule 1: Never send them an empty message.

An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”

“Hey, How are you?”

“I miss you”

“:)”

Texting Rule 2: Never ever talk about your feelings in a needy way and about getting back together.

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“I want you back in my life”

“I am miserable without you”

Texting Rule 3: Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”

“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”

“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “

“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“

“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy.

Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. You want to rebuild attraction and connection with them via text messages before you move meet them in person.

After you’ve spend enough time texting them and you feel an attraction then you should go ahead and ask them out.

(Read more about texting your ex and building attraction via text.)

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date.

I repeat.

Do not call it a date.

If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together.

At least not now.

You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body.

And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person.

Why?

Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call.

It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them.

Don’t say something like.

”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.”

Or

“You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

Once they’ve agreed to meeting you, there’s a good chance getting back together is at the back of their mind. But it’s not over yet.

Case Study 6: An ex who refuses to meet but keeps stringing you along

Mindy’s ex was a police officer who worked long hours. They were together for almost 4 years before he decided to call it off.

They had an argument and he just said that he doesn’t see himself marrying her and called it off. She didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. She didn’t beg or plead. She just said okay and gave him some space.

But she would still contact him. She would ask him what he was doing.

He would reply to her messages. Slowly she started talking about the good memories together. She started talking about how she missed him. And he reciprocated. He said he misses her too and still loves her.

But whenever she asked him to meet up, he would make an excuse. He would say he has some work and/or cancel at the last moment.

Mindy kept on speaking to him via text. It seemed to go well until she asked him to meet. Every time he said no, Mindy felt rejected and lost hope.

The problem was that even though he had feelings for her and cared about her, he still didn’t think he could work things out with her. He wanted to explore his options. He was even going on dates while he was refusing to meet up with her (as Mindy found out later).

He thought that meeting up with her will make it difficult for him to keep his freedom. He thought that he might be cornered into getting back together.

And on the other hand, he kept on speaking with Mindy because he wanted to keep her as an option.

He wanted his cake and eat it too.

Mindy eventually started no contact and decided to heal. Before contacting him again, we made sure that she has the right mindset about this. That she wants him back but does not need him. That if they get back together, it will be a new relationship and they will have to take things slow from the beginning. That he needed to be a different person as well if they wanted to make it work.

When she contacted him, her ex was very excited. This time, he asked to meet up. When they did finally meet up, Mindy was a little bit disappointed in him. He was still the same person. She felt that he was manipulative and controlling. He wanted to keep her as a backup while fooling around with other girls. The second date confirmed her feelings when he told her that he loves her but doesn’t want to commit yet. She found out from her friends that he was dating a couple other girls as well.

Mindy decided to cut him off and move on. She had enough confidence in herself to not be used by a man like this. She found someone who respected her after a few months. They’ve been together 2 years now.

Step 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.

When you meet your ex, your ex will be a little bit skeptical. Even though you’ve built enough attraction and connection via phone calls and text messages, they will still wonder if it’s all just a façade and if you really have changed.

They will wonder if you are still needy and desperate.

And when they meet you, their bullshit radar will be turned on the highest settings. They will judge everything you say or do. They might even say things just to text your reaction.

To make sure you don’t screw it up, here are a few pointers.

1. Do Your Home Work and Be Prepared for The Worst

When you meet your ex, you should truly be prepared to lose them. If you still have neediness and desperation inside you, your ex will sniff it from a mile away.

So, if you think you are still needy, then cancel or postpone the meeting.

Here’s a test to check if you are ready to meet them. Only take this test after you’ve finished no contact and are planning on meeting your ex.

You need to click on it to expand it because I don’t want you to take this test if you are just starting out with this plan. When you have finished no contact, come back to this page and take this test.

Test If You Are Ready To Meet Your Ex

Imagine you are sitting with them in a coffee shop. Your ex looks happy and you are having a conversation. Suddenly, they tell you this,

“You know I wanted to tell you that I started dating someone a few weeks back. I think he/she is an amazing person. We have amazing sex, and an amazing connection. I think he/she may be the one.”

How does that make you feel?

It’s normal to feel a bit disappointed and even sad.

But the level of disappointment you feel when you think this matters. Do you suddenly feel a knot in your stomach? Does it feel like your entire world came crumbling down? Does your face suddenly go from smiling to that of a depressed person who didn’t sleep for days?

If the thought of your ex with someone else makes you feel extremely bad, then you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if you only feel moderately sad and disappointed, then you are ready to meet your ex.

 

2. Be on The Lookout For Post Breakup Charade Tests

There’s a good chance your ex will say or do things to see if you are still needy or desperate. They will try to see if what you truly have changed or everything you have been saying and doing just a charade to get them back.

They might bring up something from the past and/or they may say something that they know will push your buttons. I call these the post breakup charade tests.

For example, suppose you had an issue with jealousy and being controlling. They might casually bring up the fact that they went on a date just to see how you react.

If you are still controlling, you will react and even if you don’t say anything, your face might give you away.

It’s important that you stay calm no matter what happens. If you become angry or desperate, it will make them think that you have not changed at all and they will probably start ignoring you again after the breakup.

Note that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, stand up for it. If it’s a serious issue about the relationship or the breakup, discuss it. But do so without getting angry or needy.

It will help immensely if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. I talk about them in this article on what to do after no contact.

Case Study 7: A failed Post Breakup Charade Test

Mindy did no contact for only 2 weeks before she gave in and texted her ex. Her ex-boyfriend was very receptive, and they started talking regularly.

After about 2 more weeks, they decided to meet. It was a surprise for her because her ex told her right after breakup that he will reply to her texts but he doesn’t want to meet her.

She built up her hopes and started getting ready for the meetup. She got her hair done, got a makeup artist to do her makeup and put on her best dress for the meetup.

When they met, they hit it off almost instantly. She felt the sparks flying as they were laughing and talking just like they used to before the breakup.

When suddenly her ex boyfriend said,

“I am happy that we are spending time together. I just want to make it clear that we are no longer a couple. We might get back together in the future, but you shouldn’t keep your hopes up.”

The last line hit her like a nail in the back of your head.

Even though she didn’t say anything, her face showed how much she was taken a back.

“Don’t keep your hopes up”

The truth was, she had her hopes up. So much that when he said that, her face came on the verge of crying. And even though she managed to keep her tears from falling, her ex knew what was going on inside her. He knew her for 4 years. He has seen that expression plenty of times before.

The issue with Mindy’s situation was the relationship dynamics. Even though she acted like she is confident and happy, her ex knew that she still wanted him back and he can have her anytime he wants.

Her expression after he said that confirmed his belief.

This Post Breakup Charade Test was an excellent opportunity for Mindy to turn things around. Had she reacted in the right way, her entire post breakup relationship dynamics would have changed and she could have gotten her ex to start chasing her.

But she didn’t, and she failed the test.

BTW, if you want to know exactly how Mindy should have replied, keep an eye out on this space. I will soon release a bonus report which will list some of the common Post Breakup Charade Tests and what you should to pass them with flying colors.

3. Don’t talk about Getting Back Together Yet

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So for your first date, just focus on having a good time with them. If the topic of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.

If they ask your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back is the right decision. That you both should take things slow.

Don’t jump at the first chance of getting your ex back. Be skeptical about getting back together.

They broke your heart once, what will stop them from doing it again?

Have they changed and become a better person as well?

If you both get back together, will the same issues arise again?

4. Have an Equal Relationship

You don’t want your ex to start thinking that you are chasing them. This is why you must have an equal relationship with them.

You want them to contact you as much as you contact them. You want them to try to meet up as much as you are trying to meet up.

This goes in line with being skeptical as I mentioned previously. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.

If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is not really interested in making a relationship with you work, you are better off without him/her. You have tried your best and showed them the best version of you.

If they still think you are not worth their time, you must start thinking about moving on.

5. Have Boundaries and Stay out of the friend-zone

One of the concerns most people have at this stage is if their ex will put them in the friendzone. To avoid that, you just need to setup a few boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.

You are their friend, but you are also an ex lover.

You should be casual, but you also need a sexual chemistry.

You should respectful, but you should also flirt.

In most cases, your ex will be very attracted to you if you’ve followed everything in this article. But if you still feel they are trying to put you in the friend-zone, follow the three principles.

  1. Build up sexual chemistry but don’t sleep with them.
  2. Don’t let them talk about other love interest. If they want your advice on their dating life (something that most people do with their friends) tell them that you are their friend but you don’t want to know or speak about who they are dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
  3. Be ready to walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. Don’t act needy or desperate, just cut contact. There is a very good chance they will respect you more for it and apologize later if you stick to your words.

 

Bonus Step 6 : Take This Quiz To Figure Out Your Chances and Learn More Ninja Tactics

This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past seven years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.

I share much more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period and teaches you how to effectively get your ex back when you are ready.

But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. This quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.

Just wanted you to know that of all the websites out there, you are the only one that sends useful emails with actual advice. Your emails helped me through one of the hardest time in my life. I learned more from your website and the EBP Basics e-course than anywhere else!

Mary McAllistor

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*The Privacy of our readers and clients is important to us. The names and certain details in the case studies have been modified to protect their privacy.

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9358 Comments on "How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan"

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Mehmet
Mehmet

what should i do if i meet the same place with him

Jordan
Jordan

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 21 days ago (I’ve been no contact for 20 days) he broke up with me using a cliche (I’m sorry for not communicating more, you deserve better). He had mentioned to me that he still loved me and thought the relationship could be saved, however I talks with my mom and had told her basically it was my fault we broke Up and that he didn’t think we could work it out. It was hard at first, I’ve invested a lot into the relationship, both financially( when his tv died I gave him mine, he didn’t have a car so my parents gave him my brothers 2014 Kia Forte and even let him on our insurance so he could pay less), emotionally, and physically(first). We’ve had countless firsts together (he used to be JW and didn’t celebrate holidays so every holiday was a first for him, plus we had other firsts..) he made a lot of commitments, even purchased a $400 promise ring…. anyway, I’ve been doing good in terms of my own recovery, lost weight, got tan, worked on my flaws, meet up with old friends, started playing tennis again, been on a few great dates…. he text me today actually on day 20, but I did not respond (it was a generic “hey Jordan”) he also text my mom and mentioned he wanted to take our dog (that I keep) to the canyon …. don’t want to read into it, but considering our history, what is your expert opinion on my progress and if our relationship can start anew?

Anna
Anna

Hello,
I have been in relationship for 1,5 year. I pull him away for a 2,5 months because he didin’t compromise with me. But we never said we brokeup.
When I realize that I want him in my life , he said he dont wanna be with me. After having an argument, he told me meeting someone, and there is no chance to meet me again.
Im doing no contact for one week now
He tryed call me once.
Now Im starting panicing that he move on and I lost my chance to get him back.
Any advise?

Laurence Dias
Laurence Dias

We’ve been together for 20 years she moved in with me the first time we got together and have lived an an amazing life together, traveling the world having two beautiful boys we are not married, have a big house in the city but things have started to unravel and her feelings for me have diminished she says things like she loves me but she’s not in love with me, my commitment to her is unrelenting I’m attractive and have no issues with picking up other women but she is a MORALISTIC FOUNDATION FOR ME.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should perhaps consider the fact that when chasing other women for the first time, we tend to put in a lot more effort than in a relationship that has been ongoing for 20 years. You should think about why she lost the spark for you and whether its something you’ve stopped doing or efforts you’ve stopped showing towards her after being together for so long.

Kara
Kara

My boyfriend and I broke up March 26th. We got in a huge fight and I said some mean things. I pretty much begged my way back to him. That lasted a month. During that month, he was very distant and wouldn’t really make plans with me. Mind you, before we started dating we were best friends for a year. He broke up with me one week ago. We didn’t talk for 3 days until we ran into each other at a concert. He was a little drunk, so i took care of him. He texted me the next morning and we talked for a bit, the next day i asked him if he wanted to see the new Deadpool movie. His response was “maybe” he then said maybe some space would do us good. And we haven’t talked since. He told me when he saw me that he “didn’t love me like that” anymore. Do you think i have a chance? Should i spend time working on me, and then contact him and try to get our friendship back and then hope we get back together? Or should i just move on? I really love him and want to be with him, he is still my bestfriend after all.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Regardless of whether you decide to move on or attempt to win him back, you should still be spending time working on yourself first and foremost. Contacting him again or moving on would be something you decide to do after that, and you’ll have to be mentally prepared that he may not see you the same way as ‘best friends’ again after the transition from being friends to having a romantic involvement to not working out.

nik
nik

hi kevin..my ex broke up with me after 5 years that we’ve been together. it has been 3 months since she left, i have been chasing her since then but now i want to do NO CONTACT. do i still have a chance after every i did to chase her? i became needy, desperate and insecure before we broke up because i was working abroad, when i arrived home she broke up with me and i was devastated because i haven’t seen her for 7 months. i tried to chase her but she ignored me all the time. i left my country again to work, I tried to send her messages when I left. she’s responding but she’s acting cold and trying to avoid me. now i decided to do the no contact, do i still have a chance to win her back??

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If the relationship was a meaningful one, you definitely still have a chance to win her back, but you’re going to have to succeed with NC first, and improve yourself in this time. Also you’re going to have to build up trust and a sense of familiarity again as friends first when NC ends.

nik
nik

hi ryan. she contacted in just after a week of doing NC. she said she misses me but i dont want to get my hopes up.

nik
nik

but now she’s acting cols but sometimes she’s acting fine..its very confusing.

KTL
KTL

Together for a year. Broke up back in January after a bad fight, and a string of tough times due to bad communication. I was sure that it wasn’t meant to be, supported her through the heartbreak, continued daily contact, lunch dates, sex, but no sleepovers. After two months of this she decided she needed to move on. I was bummed but thought I knew what I was doing. She started going on a few dates and instantly linked up with a new guy (hoping a rebound). She even posted videos on Snapchat wearing a turned in claddagh ring after a month (very unlike her). A month after we cut ties, I realized I screwed up. I missed her so much, reflected for two weeks, came to a lot of conclusions about things I wasn’t giving to the relationship, etc. I then Stupidly went into desperation mode. For a week I bombarded her with pleads of my love. What I learned and how it will be different etc. She was not receptive. Said it’s time for me to move on, stop reaching out to her friends for advice, we’re not getting back together she’s happy and in a good place right now. I stupidly have already looked for very needy and realized I should’ve went no contact.

I started no contact after a phone call five days ago. Friday is her birthday however. I want to do no contact but think it’s rude if I don’t wish her a happy birthday. Do I use the birthday as a first step of positive texting then continue no contact for 30 days? Wish I read this earlier. The neediness was the worst look and clearly hurt more then helped.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As with all other events that may have a past involvement regarding the two of you (Valentines, birthdays, New Year’s), contacting her soon after starting NC would probably come across as desperate and an attempt to try winning her back in her eyes because she currently has her guard up against you. At this point, only you would think it’s rude not to wish her on her birthday and she wouldn’t expect you to. You could read this article for more input regarding this matter.

Julia
Julia
Hi! I was toghether with my ex for about a year. My ex and I broke up about 2.5 months ago, all because he said that he had no feelings left for me. The breakup was good, no fighting etc and we were on good terms when I moved out. I did the NC rule according to your plan for 30 days after I moved out. I contacted him via messenger, I just kept it causal, asking him how he was and how work was. He also came over with some stuff to my new apartment, stuff that I had forgot when I moved out. The meeting went well, although he had a mutual friend with him, which I thought was strange since it was the first time we met since we broke up. Anyway, he contacted me just about 20 mins after he left, saying how nice my new apartment was, some improvements I could do and so on. After that I’ve been texting him according to your plan. Although I’ve just been keeping the conversations casual, asking him a lot about work, his life, sending him funny videos and stuff cause we always used to do that. He’s been responding in a nice way but he’s not asking so many questions back and do not seem so interested. Today I asked if I could call him to ask him about a few things I know he knows much about and likes. . He said yes and I called. He was a bit on edge at first but then we talked like we did before breakup and he was talking about some improvements he had done in his apartment and that he’s waiting to get accepted to school etc. it was a nice talk, after a while asked him if I could come over some day to pick up my last stuff at his apartment and that’s when it escalated. He got upset, wondering why I hadn’t said something about those stuff before and why I was asking for them now and if I wanted my things I could pick them up outside his door when he’s not at home. I tried to calm him down, and we agreed that he would contact me when I could come and get the things. The call didn’t end… well according to plan. What should I do? I have also asked him twice before in texts if we could catch up for a coffee at some point,: He has been positive and said “well I’m busy today but maybe another day” or “I’m busy right now but another time? let’s talk about later.” I don’t know but I have this feeling that… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he has met a rebound, he would care less instead about you coming to pick your things, but the fact that he reacted this way means there’s a hint of feelings remaining (whether it’s positive or negative is yet to be determined) and does not seem ready to face you yet. Perhaps continue to keep things on a casual note, and subsequently first address the relationship and why it failed before proceeding with collecting your stuff or meeting him.

Keiran
Keiran

Okay so I’m a week into no contact and I’ve been ignoring his messages (he messaged me for the first 3 days and now has stopped) but loads of other articles and advice have told me that ignoring texts could make it worse and that I should reply casually but never reach out to them first. But on here im being told that I can’t reply whatsoever. Help I really don’t wanna mess this up

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Honestly, this pans out differently for everyone. If you’re worried about making things by not replying, you could reply casually but during the NC period especially, you should not reply in a manner that would allow further conversation to take place beyond answering whatever your ex sends.

Max
Max

Hi Ryan,

I am 26 years old. My situation is a little different. My “ex” and I were not officially dating- a label was never placed. However, we were seeing each other quite regularly and acted as if we were together for almost 2 months or so. Too sum everything up, her and I met through a mutual friend that matched us up. We knew nothing about each other but hit it off ever since the first date. We continued to talk, and gradually become very comfortable with each other. We began to see each other 2, sometimes 3 times per week. In the early going, we made it clear that we were going to take things slow and make sure that we don’t rush into anything serious. But truthfully, we admitted to each other that we were caught off guard at how well we got along and really enjoyed each others presence. Things began to ramp up- sex, sleeping at each others places, letting our guards down and showing true feelings. She eventually wanted to make it clear that we were both exclusive to one another and not seeing anyone else, yet never did we place a label on anything as we wanted to keep the pace at where we had it. She would tell me that she’s never felt so happy with someone before. Hearing things like that made me quite vulnerable. Well… at the snap of a finger, she began to distance herself via text. Then in our last date, things felt strange and a wall seemed to be up again, When we got back to her place, she sat on the other couch, keeping her distance. So I proceeded to ask where her head was at, and what she was feeling. She explained that she has started to feel nervous and scared of losing her freedom and the thought of commitment… I understand we weren’t officially dating, but this girl opened up my eyes to the idea of a real relationship and I want nothing more than to continue what we had going on. If I apply your process, do you think it could work in my situation to get her back in my life?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As you have never officially been together, NC may not be the best idea unless the period of ‘dating’ was long enough and filled with the same amount of memories created as a normal couple would have. I would actually suggest trying to work things out first and communicating whatever you feel across and to assure her about the freedom issue she worries about.

Jackie890
Jackie890

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been dating for the last 3 years. He did break up with me before about 2 years ago bc he wanted to grow and get his life together due to money issues. We are both almost 26 and in real estate. I did no contact for 2 weeks and I texted him and he texted me paragraphs about how much he missed me and long story short we got back together. We lasted a total of 2 more years. About 4 days ago he broke up with me again. He was the one that wanted to see me everyday and he was always taking care of me and I did the same for him. Without even me pushing he wanted to see me about twice a day before and after work and always wanted to spend lots of time with me. Even the same day of the break up he talked about moving out together and he always talked about the future and getting me a ring the last few weeks even months. He flipped on me all of a sudden 4 days ago and told me over text he doesn’t want the relationship bc he has to focus on himself and get a place and get his life together. Shocked I kept asking him questions begging him not to leave but he kept saying he has to do this and it was hurting him too. I went to his sisters wedding a few days ago and met his whole family. They all loved me and his dad told everyone I was his daughter in law and his sister said I was his sister in law. He told me the wedding made him realize how quick everything was moving and he needed to grow himself. How can he flip on me and act cold so suddenly. It broke my heart. Our relationship was very strong and we were always there for each other like a married couple. We even had a trip coming up next month. He just acted so cold so suddenly and didn’t answer my texts after that. I tried to ask him will there be an us again or future together and he just said he didn’t want thi anymore and that he has to focus on himself. I did no contact for 4 days now and it’s tearing me apart. I want to marry this man one day and I miss him so much. We planned our future together 🙁

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There is usually an underlying reason for his sudden change in his behavior. It’s something you may have to figure out if you want to win him back, and if it’s something that can be resolved or not. Often, it may be a sudden incident or stress in a person’s life that causes them to act this way. There’s also a chance that a third party may have been involved, as these are among the common reasons for someone to break up with their partners.

Abc
Abc

To follow no contact rule should I block him from everywhere like WhatsApp and all so that he can’t see me online

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You don’t have to. Instead, keep him unblocked and perhaps become active on those platforms so that your presence becomes felt more prominently as this might cause him to begin missing you.

Phil
Phil

Hey guys,

Ex girlfriend broke up with me almost 7 weeks ago. I tried slow contact after 2 and a half weeks but didn’t really work/I got too needy. Now, its almost been 3 weeks since I have contacted her. My relationship ended, I believe, because I was insecure, immature, and would lie. Not a lot, but lie nonetheless. A week before the breakup, she said “It scares me how easily you can lie”. I want to apologize for that without looking needy, but I don’t know if I should now, or after a month of no contact has passed. Im worried she’s going to have a negative image of me in her head and move on more easily because of it. Also, should it be a letter or a text? Thanks.

Mirna
Mirna

My ex boyfreind broke up with me in about 2 week I send him a message telling him bad things because he leave me we were in a relationship of 6 month we were really good and dream about our future together and suddenly I travelled abroad alone when I come back he broke up with me only the reason of travelling and because I posted something in facebook that I were with someone but this someone is married and he just help me in my travel time my ex told me I know this persone he is bad so we stop here I really want him back and till now is 2 week without contact

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Try completing NC for another 2-3 weeks to give him some time to cool off first. This might have been a misunderstanding and he have been jealous and acted irrationally.

Matthew
Matthew

Hi. My ex broke up with me about a month ago after 7 months of dating. She said she didn’t love me anymore but I feel like that’s not why because she never acted different towards me. When we were dating, she said she never felt this way with anyone, she trusted me more than anybody (but I broke that trust by telling our mutual friends a secret she had), and we talked about the future together. The last couple weeks before she broke up with me I started to act really distant towards her – ignored her whenever I was near her and barely responded on Snapchat and iMessage (when I did, I came off as like I didn’t want to talk to her). She felt “alone and that I was done with her” but in reality I wasn’t and was angry at something with my family but never told her. I told her that was why I was acting the way I did but she said she’s still worried that I’m going to do that if we do get back together. Is it possible the reason she broke up with me was because she didn’t love me anymore or because I was too distant and I broke her trust? About 3 weeks after we broke up, I started doing no contact and I told her that I was giving her the time she needed (which is what she asked for but I didn’t listen) and also apologized for my behavior (I begged and pleader her to take me back). It’s been 10 days since I last texted her and I see her with this new guy but she told a mutual friend that they were just friends (her friends, my friends, and our mutual friends all say he is a complete downgrade to me) but they act all secretive. Could this be to get me jealous (she knows I get jealous because I got mad at her for wearing another guy’s shirt)? Also, she told our mutual friend that there was a chance we would get back together before I begged and pleaded but after I begged and pleaded with her there wasn’t. Is that a bad sign or was she just saying that because I bothered her?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Her negative emotions towards you at this point could still be relatively fresh, which was why she said there was no chance with you to her friend. I suggest not overthinking the situation with her and the other guy in your head because it would cause you to feel negative at the end of the day. Since you are in no contact officially, work on yourself first and foremost before contacting her again in the future as an improved person so that she sees you in a different light. Even if she says there’s no chance, you could always create that chance if your improvements are prominent enough.

Matthew
Matthew

Thanks. I forgot to mention this but when we broke up she said she wanted to be friends and that she liked me as a friend. Is that a bad sign?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Most exes would typically say that during the breakup to make the other party feel better and its very common. It doesn’t usually mean anything – in both positive or negative light. You should continue with your plans for positive change and try not to be phased by whatever she said back then.

Anne
Anne
Hi, I dated a guy for 3 months, we started really well, and strong. He’s a hopeless romantic type of man. He made lots of effort to see me on his free time, sends me sweet messages when he wakes up, he was very open about his family to me, especially bout his kids. (He’s divorced and he sees his kids every week). There were also times that I stay in his place for few days because he wanted me to stay. My fault was I asked too soon about our relationship, like I was asking for a “label”. He told me that why don’t I just let things happen naturally. (I felt I have pressured him). Things started to change when I said to him that I am leaving for few months then will be back later this year. After few days, he replied to me and said that he doesn’t want to commit to me and we can just be friends. I replied and apologized if maybe I pressured him or what. I also asked him if there’s another woman, he said no. I told him that I’m fine in taking things slowly. He agreed to that and he said he’ll continue seeing me then. After a month, I felt that there’s more gap. Less communication from him, he’s not as sweet as before. There was even a time that when I visited his place, he said that I have to leave at a specific time because he said he has something to do after that. I really felt something wrong. After few days , i asked him the truth and there, He said he started seeing another woman. He said that he lost hope in us because I am leaving. He didn’t want to be alone, and that I deserve someone else because He’s an emotional wreck and a mess. I told him that he should not say that and I accept him and all his flaws. I asked him if he loves the woman, he just told me that I care for her , but I love you. He said that Our connection is really different compared to her, he connects to me deeply. He said that He can’t stop seeing me but he has to stop so that i won’t get hurt anymore. I am confused because, He said he loves me but he’s rushing to meet someone else and commit to her. I don’t even know if I should believe him that really loves me or just saying it for the sake of being nice to me. Is still there a chance for me to see him again when I am back , or… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he says that there’s a connection with you different from the other person, when you’re back, you’ll only be able to know for certain then. I would honestly suggest moving on with your life since you’ll be gone regardless for a couple of months and he’s already expressed not wanting a LDR in that duration, so getting back together now would only lead to a possible second breakup when you’re away.

lora
lora

Hello. Well, smth like 12 days after I started no contact after 3 discursions by phone but just by business, my boy – friend texted me asking some personal questions about how my business was going. I answered that very well, but couldn’t talk to him as a friend right now, because needed some more time and space. He tried to joke and then said that talking or not he was remembering about me and my son. Then he changed his watsup foto for a more smily one and from our common journey to skiing. He also put a like on my fotos from last journey in fcbk.
I really haven’t ever asked him to come back or looked needy. But smth like a week after separation and no contact by my own will (before starting with this couching) we met. He cried and was saying that his feelings were not gone. So I like in a way of calming him down said: so would you like me to go with to your home town?? Because this was the issue during the relation ship and there he went when left me. He answered: I should think about it, 4 months ago I wouldn’t doubt, but now I should think. During that meeting I also said I thought he was right to go and I had committed many mistakes in the relation ship. He said it was a pity to hear that now and no before. So my question is basically : should I continue no contact now??

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, continue with NC in the meantime and he does not seem to really know what he wants right now. He may have lost attraction for you back then, but still has feelings for you. If you allow him to get back with you right now just because he misses the times, there’s a likelihood of him repeating the same thing down the road again.

Nick
Nick

So my ex and I recently split up. Well. She said she wanted a break. same thing though right? Before reading all of this stuff and how texts can be useful, I told her I’d delete her number so I wouldn’t feel tempted to contact her, she asked me not to, but I did anyway. But our text thread still exists and I cannot bring myself to delete it. I did slide it into the archive section though so I don’t have to see it. Should I go through with the deletion? If I don’t, and I eventually text her even after the NC time is up, I feel like I’ll come off as weak and needy since I told her I was going to delete everything but didnt..?
We also both have the WhatsApp, and her number is in there and we haven’t used it in several months. So I could use that and just act like I happened to come across it, which technically I did just that. Thoughts?

She also owes me a few hundred dollars, has a key to my house, and my kayak is at her house… I could probably just go get the kayak without breaking the NC rule, but that might be risky and sort of creepy and I don’t want to cross that line. Should I ask for these things back? Again, that would be breaking the NC rule.. or should I just forget about it all until the NC time has passed and I’m into further stage?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Normally we would encourage you to get your stuff back first before starting NC. However, if that is unavoidable, a brief meeting to exchange items does not count as breaking NC unless you start acting needy or desperate when meeting her. It really depends on the motive behind the contact and whether it’s necessary or not. You don’t have to delete her texts if you don’t want to since only you would know.

Coop
Coop

Hi there,
My girlfriend broke up with me three days ago. I am still in substantial pain, but I fully understand why she broke up with me even if she does not. I was needy and jealous during the relationship and every time she wanted to hang out with a guy friend I would get upset or passive aggressive. Some other things added up and she decided to end things the other day. She said she needed time to think and she always talked about needing more time to herself. I was selfish and not understanding but I fully realize now what she wanted. I immediately initiated no contact after she broke up with me not wanting to make similar mistakes and wanting to show her that I can give her space and that I am truly not a needy man. My question is am I wasting my time in trying to get her back? I want her back because I still see a future with her and I now see this breakup as an opportunity for us to fix both of our problems and work on each other. She was crying in the break up for a whole hour saying she wanted to love me again but just did not feel the same way. I feel deep down she still has feelings but my controlling nature hid them from her. I am working on that immediately and will fix it by the time I contact her. Just want to know if I am on the right track or if I should contact her sooner because of how the breakup went. Thank you.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re on the right track. Contacting her earlier may result in reverting back to your old self because not enough time has been given for you to make the positive changes permanent. Also, she may not be ready to face you yet either, so you’ll want enough time to pass before trying to win her back.

Coop
Coop

Thank you for your response. So she contacted me last week and we actually got dinner and went to Target and had a great time. But she saw it only as us being friends. She was really flirty and touchy all night. She talked to me all last week before the meetup, but now after the fact she does not talk to me barely at all. I think she sees that I really do want her back and not just be friends with yet. But the catcher is that I think she is with a guy who I had worries about in our relationship. She is definitely always hanging out with him late at night. Although he might be a friend I have my doubts about it. Should I initiate no contact and keep it or should I try and be friends with her again and win her back that way. I know I should not want her back at this point but like I said, I know deep down this girl is my future. I messed up and I am determined to fix it.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If there are changes you know you should be making in your life, perhaps it might be better to focus on them first instead of half trying to chase her back, and half trying to make changes. She may see you as a friend mentally, but there are still habits ingrained into her behavior after being together with you. However, if you want to win her back, you’re only going to succeed by winning her emotionally, which may require the space and for her to be able to see you in a different light, hence the no contact period.

Jay
Jay

Hello! After NC I went out with my ex-gf a couple of times. She was friendly and we had a great time. Our meetings gave her second thoughts but she was determined to stick to her decision (there weren’t serious reasons for our breakup and things ended really well). She saw through my plan so she told me we can’t keep going out “as friends”. She’s not a huge fan of texting and I’m a bit afraid to propose another meet-up. Any advice? Thanks!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps give it some time before trying to call her up since she doesn’t like texts. You don’t necessarily have to ask her out at that point. Even having a positive conversation over the phone may do you some good in how she responds to and views you.

Nuo
Nuo
My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for 6 years. We made it a habit to at least visit every other month. Whenever we would argue I would threaten to leave him. Growing up, when things got rough, I have always been told you could leave the situation. We never broke up; we always talked it out. This past March I went to visit him for a week. He proposed. At first, I was hesitant, I was never one to think of myself as being married. Some days past and the idea really grew on me; especially with him. On April first we got into another argument and I made the same mistake again; this time he did not take me back. He would not talk to me (texts, phone, etc) I gave him space for a week before reaching out to apologize. However, since I was so quick to ask for forgiveness he thinks I use breakups as a weapon (looking back, I totally did). I asked if it was something that we could work on and he said he did not know; that he just did not want to talk to me right now. After another week and a half of silence, I caved. I told him I loved him but I couldn’t live with the ghost of him. That I want the opportunity to show how I could fix my mistakes but how it seemed like I would not get that chance. He responded shortly after saying his heart wants to take me back but his head believes I would just make the same mistake. I told him I want to prove it to him but in the end I just want him to be happy. That it breaks my heart but I just want him to be happy. He said it broke his heart too and I replied I wouldn’t know. He thought I was trying to be hurtful so he responded, “Fine, say what you have to to hurt me. Goodbye.” After that, I made all of the wrong moves. I cried, begged, made promises (I am embarrassed to admit I did this during our post break up conversations). I tried to explain that I haven’t heard from him in almost two weeks; that I had no idea what was going through his mind. This happened April 15th. It’s May 5th. I have not reached out to him. Every time I get the urge to I write my message on a notepad. I have had time to reflect on myself and the situation and I have come up with action steps to take when the feeling of fight or flight arises. I… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This would require more of an elephant in the room scenario, especially since the relationship ended on a bad note with several issues that have not been addressed. Show him that you are sincere and apologetic about how you acted in the past.

B.C
B.C

Hey everyone,
No Contact was a success for a month. Sent the elephant text/apology for my actions after and it was well received. I was planning on waiting five days, but she texted me one day after apologizing for hurting me. It’s been a day since I read it, and I’m not sure if I should break that 5 day rule or not by responding to her. Ideas? If I stay quiet, how do i explain myself at the end of the 5 days? Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If things are going positively, I recommend going along with the flow but using our timeline as more of a guideline rather than a rule.

Anna
Anna

Hello,

My ex boyfriend and I dated for 4 months and we were great! We were so in love and had a good time together. About a week before we broke up, he was concerned about me moving away and forgetting about me, though I will only be an extra 30 minutes away. We talked it through and we both said we wanted to get through it thick and thin. The night before we broke up, I went up to the church he performs at and it seemed like we didn’t have any problems. We hugged and kissed and I didn’t think that would be the last time I would. The next day we broke up because he said God was calling him to singleness for a while. It hurt so bad because we are both Christians and the fact God did this hurt so bad. A week later, I asked if I could call him to ask him some questions to try to figure out what this all means for us. He said he didn’t really know why but God called him to he single. He said he was happier being single but I really don’t believe it. He says he still wants me but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I told him to give it a month to make sure it was the right decision. My question is what do I do after this month has ended? Do I contact him? Do I wait for him to contact me? Will he lose interest in me after one month? Did I even do the right thing in telling him to wait and see? I’m kinda worried because I do love him so much and I don’t think our relationship needs to be forgotten so soon. I’ve prayed about it, and now I just need some really helpful advice. Thanks!

-Anna

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Anna, you can use this article to serve as a guideline on what to do after NC has ended. Keep in mind that while as disrespectful as this may sound to the religion, ensure that his reasoning of God calling him for singlehood is not actually just a convenient excuse to use instead of saying that he lost feelings for you.

Anna
Anna

I think his feelings are honest because we talked about it and he said he felt that we were “unequally yoked” and “not on the same path spiritually”. I might be just oblivious to it and he might be lying to me, so what if he has lost interest in me? What do I do then?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he has lost interest in you, follow the guidelines in our website on how you could go about rebuilding attraction, but if he genuinely ended the relationship due to differences in both party’s spiritual paths, then it might be harder to convince him otherwise.

Charlie
Charlie

Hi,

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago because she said she needed more independence and wanted to live her life and grow on her own. We go to different colleges about 3 hours apart so the entire breakup happened over the phone. It took me about a week to stop texting her after the breakup but have been on no contact for about a week now. We had agreed that we were going to meet up in person when we both got home after exams in a little over a week. I had told her she owed it to me to break up with me to my face and she agreed. After reading this article it sounds like that might be too soon to meet up. My plan right now is to wait for her to initiate contact about the details of the in-person meeting. When/if she reaches out, should I tell her I don’t have time to meet? I’m leaving on a trip the day after so I could get away with saying I need to pack.

Thanks in advance.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on the situation, but generally yes, it is still too soon to meet her. I don’t think you should enforce that face-to-face breakup as it would only serve to strengthen the reality of it and may even lower your chances.

Phil
Phil

Hello,

Girlfriend and I dated for about 6 months, and to cut things short, things ended because she felt like we just didn’t “connect” anymore. After 2 and a half weeks of no contact (by 2 weeks she sent a drunk FaceTime call, which I didn’t respond to), I sent her a elephant in the room letter, apologizing for how I acted so needy and desperate during the breakup. After I started rebuilding attraction via text messages, slowly. I started to notice this new guy on her snapchat story. She always posted pictures of them together in friend groups, rather than just the two of them. I never thought anything of it. When I would message her, she would always reply but she wouldn’t do so very enthusiastically. Her behavior changed a lot after I sent that letter. I started to notice that guy was on her story just about every weekend. Something to note, we are in college together. Anyways, just now I saw she went to Boston on a boat with some random people and this guy too. It was on her snapchat story again. My friend tells me she was walking with him, just the two of them, to his car so he could drive them there. It’s been 5 and a half weeks, and she started hanging out with this kid only 3 weeks after the breakup. Finals end next week, and they are from two different states, hours apart. The kid looks nothing like me, and my friend tells me his ex used to date him and that he is a total douchebag and not a nice person. She has been with douchebags in the past and used to always tell me when we were together that I was so nice to her and she hated that all the people she was ever with were dicks to her. I haven’t spoken to her in 9 days, when I sent her a memory text and talked about my past insecurities and how I’ve worked on them. Anyways, does this seem like a rebound? And does it work in my favor that this kid is a total dick, something that she has dealt with in the past and has no problem ending things with? Also, what should my move be now? Just no contact again during the summer? When will I know when to reach out? Thanks,

-Phil

Icho
Icho

Hi,my girlfriend and I got back together in November.But recently,she spends more time watching tv and movies,than she does talking to me.I go all day and half the night without hearing from her. She claims that her house has bad cellphone reception,except in her living room,where she watches movies at.I feel she can make the effort,if her phone reception is good there.We used to talk all the time and I’m starting to wonder if it’s something I’m doing wrong?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be that she’s getting bored of the relationship, or losing interest in you. You’re going to have to find a way to re-create the spark and new memories with her if you don’t want her to pull away further.

Mark
Mark

Hi.. I had been in relationships with one girl since last 3 years, although she and me both had rough time in between. Last August we decided to get marry, but because of some serious family problems I had to stay away from her for two months.. In which she started having new new problems, eventually she broke up with me in November 2017. However we used to talk on phone on n off rarely, met few times in last 5-6 months. Then suddenly before few days she again started talking to me and u realised that she was seeing some guy since we broke up. Right away. And now they had very very ugly situation so she broke up with him. She is kinda miserable n so she came back to me to talk.. I wasn’t seeing anyone in these months. I really loved her and was concentrating to move on.. Now we both still are single. What I should do, how I should behave and what shoul be my behavior with her and my own emotions??

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Keep things casual and don’t act desperate or needy but be there for her and slowly re-build attraction from there.

***
***

Hi. My bf and I dated for 13 months though the last month he was really distant and we only hung out once and barely texted. I knew he was really stressed since he was switching jobs and had some important presentations coming up so I tried to just give him some space. I texted about once a week that I was upset at the distance and missed him during this time. Finally, he said we needed to meet to talk. That’s when he ended it by saying he just wanted friends in his life, nothing more. I didn’t say much and after a few minutes of just sitting there I left in tears. I texted him once that night saying that I was angry and disappointed and I wished he had just talked to me. Then I wished him good luck on the new job. That was a few days ago. I’ve told myself to keep all my appointments and plans and so far it has been really helpful but I have one problem. An event in a little over a week, a work happy hour, that I always go to has been turned into a goodbye happy hour for him (we used to be at the same company). My original plan was to go for a hour and then keep an appointment at the gym. But now I don’t know what to do. If I don’t go it will seem like I’m avoiding him and not ok (I’m sad and miss him terribly but I am ok), because I always go, but if I do then I’m breaking NC and maybe it looks like I’m trying to see him. What do I do? We have some mutual work friends and his new office is in my neighborhood so I know eventually we’ll run into each other but is this too soon?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could use this article as a guideline on how to handle events where meeting your ex becomes unavoidable.

Will
Will

I had a question about after no contact. If they ask you about any women you’ve seen since the break up would it be best to be very vague and not really tell them much, or to tell them everything to make yourself look more available.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would really depend on the type of person your ex is, but generally I would advice on not to play too many mind games because it may easily backfire where she gets jealous or on the opposite end think you are trying to show off and win the break up.

Frankie D
Frankie D

What is a realistic time frame to keep in mind or to let me know when to call it quits and move on?

I am on reconnecting right now. After a month of no contact back in January.

During no contact, she messaged me that she missed me but I successfully proceeded with no contact and I even talked to someone else and went out on a date with them until no conact was over and then reached out with the elephant in the room text and received a positive reaction. We have been texting and talking on the phone and hanging out maybe once a week, sometimes twice, ever since but JUST AS FRIENDS.

Reconnect started the beginning of February so it has been almost 3 months since we’ve started hanging out and talking again and getting along fairly well. We talk pretty much every day. Sometimes she’ll initiate and sometimes I do.

Sometimes I feel as if she wants to take it further than friends again, and sometimes I feel as if she doesn’t. Sometimes I feel there is someone else she is talking to, sometimes I feel she is not. I take it this is normal.

I want to keep rebuilding the attraction but some days it just feels as if I should move on.

My question then is, is there some sort of time frame say for example 6 months and if she hasn’t said anything, move on? Or 8 months? Or is there no deadline, if you will. How should I proceed?

– Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be honest, there isn’t a real guideline on this matter because different people would adhere to different speeds and success levels. Usually, it’s up to your own personal stamina on this, and if it’s taking a toll on your emotional well-being. Perhaps have a conversation with her soon regarding this matter and where she stands.

Jade
Jade

Hey. So I was quite far into no contact with my ex until I got quite ill this weekend and contacted him about it. He came to see me in hospital and has been texting me a little bit. Do I need to start no contact again with him? Thank you

kokoro
kokoro
Hi Im in a very delicate situation, we have been together for 2 years and half. But so 2 weeks ago i asked him a time break, and that was when things got really messy, the morning after i said i didnt want the break time, but i thought he needed, and he accepted! During that week since i was feeling depressed, i was totally broken down to the core, i was having panic attacks and calling him when i knew all he wanted was space and time to deal with the stuff, i was sending him messages saying that he didnt care and if he was having thoughts of breaking up he just should do it. Summarizing i was the fuel for him to break up with me. I didnt want us to break up, from that day i asked him to pick his stuff at my place and up until now things are still in my place. I have broken the no contact rule and spoken to him 2 times already one 4 days after the break up, and another after 3 days. We talked like friends and the 1st time i only asked why he lefted me because on the day we broken up i wasnt myself, and i apologized to him for that. He also said things could have been different if he talked more to me at certain times, but things were done and we could only move on. Which i agreed because i want to turn the page and start anew but with him present, that time we spoke in fb but we kinda laughed at some things too. The other time was 2 days ago, i said if he agreed to stay as friends he should fb me more and he shouldnt ghost out of my life, and he said he would send more msgs, and we also talked for 1h and we spoke a bit and was kinda forced but we had a good talk, there wasnt bad memories from it. I said in the end that i liked to talk to him and i didnt know if he felt the same and he said that he liked to talk to me too and to not worry about it. After our break up my friends that see him in classes say that he looks like he havent slept he looks sad, and he started smoking again (he quitted this year by himself i never asked that of him). I know im an atomic bomb and i have a lot of trust issues and we broke up because of miscommunication and because of the bad mood i was causing due to my depression,… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As you’ve mentioned, he probably just needs some space and time to deal with all this, so it might be a good idea to let him breathe a little while you spend some time picking yourself up and building upon positive changes in your life. Find a way to deal with the emotions and insecurities because if you don’t, getting back together may result in a similar outcome down the road if your emotions get the better of you.

K
K

Hi Kevin,

I had been with my ex for 6 years and he broke up with me suddenly claiming that he does not love me anymore. His only explanation was that we had many fights in our relationship and it was very tiring for him to compromise. He was not willing to give me another chance to fix things because he doesnt want to give me any false hope that he will fall in love with me again. He felt that we will still be fighting over the same thing in the end if we get back together. We agreed to remain as friends but he claimed that it is still quite awkward and weird for him to become close friends again. He said that he needed time to sort things out but is not interested in pursuing a relationship currently.
As I have always initiated contact with him after the breakup, he always replies but never tried to initiate a conversation with me. I have just started my no contact period but should I be posting my everyday life on social media or should i block him so that he doesnt know what is happening in my life? Please advice!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Keep him on social media and post on the positive changes you’re making to your life. Ultimately, you want him to see that you’re making changes and reconsider the relationship.

Zante
Zante

First of all, thank you very much for this comprehensive and detailed plan. I was not expecting to find Information of this quality.
I would like to pick your brain about my Situation – My gf of a year and a half and I went on a break 2 days ago – she initiated this move which was very surprising and out of the blue. We are in a LDR, are seeing each other quite regularly and for Extended periods of time. The relationship has been far from perfect – she is severly depressed and has a hard time to get her life back on track. I have not been reacting quite insecure and codependent throughout the relationship because she is not the most loving Person at all times due to her Depression. Now that I know more about this illness I can see how my behavior drove her away and was not the most supporting behavior – even though I have been very supportive of her in general.
She said that she couldn’t handle the pressure of a romantic relationship at the Moment because she can’t even handle herself and my insecure behavior has also been a lot as I already mentioned. She said that she loves me very much but my behavior has driven her away a Little bit. I was very understanding and calm throughout the whole talk and supported her in her decision, knowing that I also needed to work on my codependency. We agreed on no contact until we both felt better – however she texted me yesterday morning saying that she was thinking of me and the she hopes that I have a good day. And hoping that she wasn’t intruding. I answered short but nice and I called her in the evening and we had a nice and short phone call where we shared quite some laughters.

My codepedent mind is freaking out at the thought of not contacting her and basically treating this like a break up so that there would be a clean slate. But I know it’s the only way.

Do you see any chance in this going somewhere again?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As long as you had a meaningful relationship with her, it’s unlikely that she would move on so quickly. However, avoid letting the codependent mind as you put it get the better of you because she clearly felt stressed out by the emotional aspects of the relationship, and by acting on your emotions may end up pushing her further away. You want to remain strong and someone she can seem to depend on when she needs to, instead of having to pick up because of insecurities.

sb5293
sb5293

I ended things with my boyfriend, thinking I wanted to and that it was the right thing. It has been 4 weeks and I still want him back. The problem is that he already has a new girl. The week after I ended things he posted pictures of her on snap chat captioning it date night with hearts and other things like bae. I didn’t know he could already be with someone after a week. We were long distance and it makes me feel like he may have been cheating on me, or that this is just a rebound. 2 weeks after breaking up even after posting those pictures of her, he drunk texted me and I should have left it at that, but I replied in the morning with this long text saying something along the lines of “while you’re with a new girl, I am still heart broken and that your actions have been immature and that maybe it was right for me to end things.” I never heard a response and the week after he posted a picture with the same girl at a concert on instagram that I was supposed to go to with him. Did I ruin my chances by that text? I want to get him back, but don’t know how serious he is with her, and don’t know if me calling him immature made him not want to be with me even more. I want to work harder on the long distance relationship this time around and need to know what to do to go about it from here. I feel like he may be doing this to get back at me, but he also is the guy that jumps into a relationship. Please help me what to do. Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I don’t think you ruined your chances by replying, but if he is someone who jumps so easily to new relationships, it might be something to be wary of because he may have been talking to her even before the breakup as you’ve mentioned. At this point, while he’s still together with someone else, there’s not a lot you can do either way, so it might be a better idea to focus on yourself for the time being.

Julia
Julia

The TL;DR: I’d love your advice on what to text my ex who abruptly ended things because he’s moving for a job. Background is that we were dating exclusively for several months with so much in common, both were taking it seriously but slowly, no games, so I really saw it going somewhere.

Although I knew he was interviewing, I didn’t know his goal was to move to a different market within Europe. The second he got this job, which doesn’t start for another 3 months and is an hour away by plane, 3 by train, he ended things, telling me that i was the “total package,” but that “for now, long distance seemed too difficult…”

I responded saying that I had considered him to be the total package, that I have no expectations, but that I would like to continue seeing him, at least while he’s still in town. He never responded, which shocked me because what we had was really great, so no reason to just throw me away.

The no contact period is over so my question is what can I text him to get him back, to get him to at least open the lines of communication and try to be open to having me in his life? I know a new job is a new life, (& I also understand his decision!) but I’m heart-broken and can’t believe that I’ll never talk to or see him again, especially since he’s still here and what we had was really great.. During the relationship, I wasn’t clingy at all, gave him a lot of space, time, etc, but I did cry when he ended things.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There was probably a reason why he didn’t hesitate to end things with you the moment he found out that he was going to move cities for a new job. It could be entirely no fault of yours, and he just wasn’t serious enough about you, or felt that he still wasn’t ready to settle down, etc. I suggest you try to figure out what that reason is before you consider trying anything again because if he wasn’t serious about you from the start, then it may be better not to waste your time any further.

Julia
Julia

The reason was that he’d been having quite a few conversations with this company, so already was in the mind space of leaving the current city & life behind. In addition, from the time he got the offer and we talked on the phone, to the time we met in person & there was still hope, and then to the time he ended it a few days later, it was clear that he’d talked to a lot of people who told him LTRs fail, and had really given it thought. When we talked Thursday, he said we’d talk about it together Sunday, made what sounded like normal plans on Sunday. On Sunday, it was clear he’d talked to people who were against LTRs, and had thought about it, BUT was still open because he said he’d never expected to meet me, and also said he didn’t know what to do. And on Wednesday he texted to end it.

I understand him being career-driven and doing what’s best for his career, and I support that, which I told him, and also made it clear I had zero expectations. I don’t understand completely cutting off all communication.

I’ve been thinking of sending a few different texts. He’s extremely goal-oriented, able to separate from emotions/can be “cold”, so I don’t know what to tap into to get a connection:
1. that I was at place X we’d been to in the winter, that it made me think of him, and ask how he is/write “hope you’re well
2. same as above, but say how difference place X was in the spring, and either a. say “hope you get a chance to go before you leave” OR actually ask him if he would want to go
3. Tell him i got back into sport X, ask about that place where he played, with a “hope you’re well”
4. be honest and say that I know he’s got a lot going on as he’s prepping for the move, just wanted to know he’s on my mind, let him know that I’m always here for him (though I know this won’t elicit anything), and that I’d like to be part of his life (though said in a more chill way)
5. other option?

To your point, I think he was starting to separate emotions for me/distance himself emotionally, from his career goals, so I’m stuck.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If that is the case, to be honest there isn’t much you can do to change his mind because a guy who puts his career first may very well be someone who isn’t afraid to cut things off from his life to achieve his goals. If he genuinely is like that, perhaps you might want to consider being fair to yourself and moving on instead.

Ms. Jonez
Ms. Jonez

I tried this.
And yes it worked. Me and my ex are back together. I did not call text and when I saw him I treated him with respect and smiled. I held no unnecessary conversations. I concentrated on me and made some very positive moves. He had to realize for himself what he had. Even though we are back I am still following these guidelines to keep him on his toes. I am still making moves too! I’m unstoppable! Thank you!

Lunian
Lunian

Hello, I have been dating a guy for 1 year, we were even planning to get married. Without a notice, he asked for a break beore valentine without giving me any reason. I tried to bare it for 2 weeks before i decided to contact him for us to talk, which he didn’t do. After 4 months of been on a break with , i told him i couldn’t continue like this . He then asks us to break up. i wish to get back with him but it has been 10 months since that we have broken up. Can it be possible for us to get back given this long time frame and also during this 10 months , every 4 months i was tryong to text him to get back together

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It sounds like he may have lost feelings for you and even possibly someone else, if he decided to break up so suddenly with no explanations and still refuses to entertain you even up till now. You could try contacting him again but if the outcome remains unchanged, perhaps you might want to considering walking away.

Simon
Simon

I’m 25 and she’s 21, we have been together for about 1 and a half years. We broke up 3 months ago. During 2 of those months, I’ve done most of the things you’re not supposed to do, such as beg, plead, sent roses, gifts and a hand written letter. She said she wanted to hang out but wasn’t ready for a relationship, silly me said no I couldn’t do that. So fast forward 1 month later with no contact, she has since then unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram. Updated her profile picture, and rejected my offer to go hang out to go to one of her favourite places. Myself I have started to get fit and active again, posting food pictures and things. So after rejecting my offer, I said ok no worries, hope one day we can hang out as friends. She said “dont think so” and “take care”.

Where do I go from here? I mean we were a good couple together, everyone said so and we both believed that too. At the start I had lied to her about my situation because I believed she wouldn’t like me as I was then (I know I was wrong), but she confronted me 4 months into the relationship and I apologised and she said she would try to trust me again but it would be hard and slow.

Do I still have a shot of getting back with her? I think she has moved on…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There may be a chance that she’s moved on, but also a slight chance that she still cares about you, but feels negative towards you over the actions you made after the breakup and hasn’t fully gotten over it yet. If you’re willing to wait, perhaps give her some more time before initiating contact again and for now just focus on your own life and try to be happy.

Chris
Chris

Hi Ryan, my simple question is….How should I handle my situation if i made every mistake in the book and now i pushed it so far that I am blocked. I do not get the choice to initiate “No Contact Rule” on my terms. Does it still work/apply? Is my situation even salvageable?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If it has come to that extent, then no contact becomes the next necessary action because of your lack of other available options. It may still work, but may take longer than the stated time frame and there’s still no guarantee that you’ll get your ex back. It would really depend on how ugly the situation turned out and how mad/angry your ex is towards you.

Jc
Jc

Me and my ex have been together for a solid 5 years but before this we were on and off for 5 years as we were teenagers, I am 25 and he is 26. First of all a month ago he asks for space/a break as he was unhappy and needed time to miss me. I said ok but I said I would wait on him because I love him! We stayed in his mum and dads house confined to one room so which obviously isn’t healthy for any relationship so I think we started taking each other for granted etc and he was desperate to move out but I had quit my job a few months before and started working part time which I think he kind of resents me for and I think that’s where the unhappiness comes from.
I gave him space for 2 weeks till I found out he had been messaging another girl. I went mad at him for this and he told me that nothing has happened he was only talking to her and he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with anyone else. He eventually said he thinks we should call it a day if I can’t give him the space that he needed. So we broke up. He said he couldn’t help how he felt and that the spark was gone. I gave him 2 weeks of no contact till he messaged me asking to meet up and talk about the break up for closure because he hated that it ended on bad terms, I said yes at first but then said I wasn’t ready.. I kind of let him know that I get why we broke up and I’m focusing on myself etc etc, so that I didn’t come across needy!
he said he wishes it could be the way it was in the beginning because he still loves me and it’s killing him everyday to know that I’m hurting and he knows how much of an amazing person I am, he wants me to be happy and he’s rooting for me in life! This was 2 days ago and I haven’t spoken to him since, he has sent the last message because I thought that would be best if I ignored a txt message to start no contact with.
I know we are meant to be together we are soulmates and he is a really great guy! We had a great relationship up until a few months ago. I’m just wondering if it’s salvageable and if I can make him change his mind about me because I know that I can do things differently next time around. Thank you!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There’s still a chance that he has feelings for you and cares about you, but just needed breathing room and probably for some changes to be made in order to see the relationship and you in a different light. He says he lost the spark for you, so perhaps it might be a good idea to figure out how best to gain it back with him during this time.

Molly
Molly

Hi Kevin, me and my boyfriend were together for about 3 weeks and he told me he loved me, and that I was the first girl he ever properly loved, it made me feel really special, however we split last Thursday because of my jealousy towards his friend, they have no history of any kind but I felt insecure, to which point he said he needed time to which I gave him, however by Sunday he had already messaged me saying he missed me and he needs me in his life, so we started talking again but it was very awkward and Tuesday this week he got angry and said that there was no way back for us and that we were over for good, but I love him so much, so I’m going along with the no contact rule to give him space and time to calm down, do you have any other advice for me?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Keep in mind that your relationship with him was only for 3 weeks and there has not been enough time for a meaningful relationship to build up yet. I would suggest that instead of going with 30 days of no contact to give him a couple of days before trying to work out the issues between the two of you.

Nessa
Nessa

So how do you do no contact if you still need to communicate regarding the kids and business stuff that we have to communicate on?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Keep the conversation strictly on a ‘need to’ basis, and only about the kids. Avoid small talk and personal topics.

B
B

Hi , I met a guy three months ago at a bar and we immediately clicked . He came home with me that night and all we did was talk for hours and hours … ever since that night we had been inseparable . My friend was with me and met his friend and now they are dating as well . Everything was perfect and I quickly began spending almost every night and weekend at his place … we had so much fun together and both shared so many things about our lives with each other that we have not shared with anyone else in a long time . We both got out of horrible relationships and clearly have trust issues . Due to anxiety and trust issues I decided to end it but quickly tried to take it back and he called my bluff . I’ve definitley committed the deadly mistakes and I don’t know if there is coming back from my craziness . I just know that he truly was falling in love with me and I don’t want to lose him . P.s my best friend is still dating his best friend so I see him all the time .what should I do ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Give him some space for now. IF you say that both of you have trust issues, he may be feeling upset or betrayed by your actions so you might have to give it some time before you try talking to him again.

Brandy
Brandy

My boyfriend ended it on Sunday, we have been together 9 months, he’s still married and living with his wife and kids but they are serparated. She doesn’t know about me, he wanted an amicable divorce with no names mentioned. We had a life planned together and were so very in love. He decides Sunday he can’t handle the double life anymore and ends it. Blocks me, I get angry and send the wife a message of our relationship. I immediately regret it as I know I have hurt other people now just becuase I’m hurting. I sent him a message after saying how sorry I was, all I got back was “never ever contact me again”
Is it even worth me trying to get him back? we were so in love and I know it was all getting to him. I’m completely devestated and sorry.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Given the context of this situation, it may be a long while before he forgives you if not at all, especially if your text to his wife causes his life to fall apart. It might honestly be better to focus on moving on instead.

Sayo
Sayo

Hey Ryan. I have dated my ex for two months and things we’re great til he has to back to France. We had 3 months of long distance relationship and things became less good and we broke up ( we broke up few times in the middle but he always texts me and tell me he doesn’t want to so we never really broke up). But this time we did broke up. He still texts me since Christmas or randomly snow pics. After I didn’t reply him he asked ” do you care about me?” Then I got mad because he was the one who got distance first. But then he still texts me each festival. It has been four months since we broke up and I did the 30 days no contact rule and improved myself. I started talk with him this week and he responds positively or neutrally. I wish he will like me again. What should I do ???

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

People have very different behaviors when in a close distance relationship and LDR because of the lack of physical contact, but it may not mean that he lost interest in you or stopped caring back then. Perhaps start by trying to build up a level of familiarity again in texting him, but just keep in mind that trying to get back together without actually meeting may be a little tough because of the lack of actual reconciliation.

***Anonymous***
***Anonymous***

Hi Kevin, I once posted here about my boyfriend and was advised to do NC which I did and when I later messaged him he was like “shey you’ve forgotten about me “. We spoke casually but not as normal.. And since then we haven’t talked again… It seems he has deleted my contact. Just figured one way or the other. And it makes me feel like he wants to delete me totally from his life.. What do you advice I do.. Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There would probably be bits of awkwardness again at the start of contact, but you should continue to try building a comfortable level of communication with him so that any hint of awkwardness or animosity goes away.

***Anonymous***
***Anonymous***

Hi, how do I do that because, I’m the one who has to do the contacting first.. So how do I get to build communication when it feels like I’m the only one interested… Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It certainly has to be a both ways thing in the long run, but perhaps for the start if the other party isn’t as interested, build on mutual or familiar topics that can keep the conversation going.

Emiley
Emiley

Hi. My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago and we spoke last two weeks ago. But we live in the same building, so I bump into him quite a lot and I feel so bad after seeing him. And we have a lot of mutual friends. So this weekend, I have a party at a friend and I´ll know he is going to be there. Is it best to avoid it? I want him back so bad and I’m trying the no contact rule, so I don’t know what I should do in this situation.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could go to the party if you feel confident enough, but avoid contact with your ex and hang out with other friends instead. However, if you think that the situation may get too awkward, it would be better to avoid such events until you’re more okay seeing your ex but without the emotional downturns.

Kris S
Kris S

Hi Ryan just a up date … she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to… girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?! Also Rryan please I need answer soon. Also please read my question from April 9th below Kris S.. you didn’t respond. We are together now but she feels distant or like I annoy her.

Peyton
Peyton

My BF and I broke up 3 days ago. We began dating about 5 months ago and became extremely serious very quickly. We lived 2 hours apart from each other, and only got to see each other a limited number of times each week. For the first few months of the relationship, we could not be broken apart by anything. We would constantly talk throughout the day and we always video chatted at night for hours. We had an occasional argument every now and then, but nothing that we did not work through. He always told me plans of his future and how amazing it would be, and I was always included in these plans. After approximately 4 months, things started to become different. When we would go out, things just did not seem as special, and we did not have that original “connection” that we once had. We would get along, but then one of us would say something that would trigger a negative response in the other, which would escalate into an argument. I began to feel as though he was putting other things in place of me and that I was moving down his priority list, day by day. Finally, one day after a pretty hefty argument that ended in making up, he told me that he had planned work events for the next several months during our regular times of meeting. I responded with fear and voiced my concerns to him; however, he found my response to be condescending and took it in a way that made it sound like I was being selfish for worrying about when I would get to see him and how the distance would affect us as a couple. After a few days of arguing and going back and forth, we decided to end things before they became any worse. He now claims to be happy and is moving forward with his life. We still talk on a daily basis just as “friends”, but the occasional affectionate comment is made, which confuses me. I am very confused as to what to do at this point. I love him, and I can truly see us having an amazing life together in the long run, and I feel like this is a mutual feeling. I just feel as though he needs to get his priorities straight. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This is common for most relationships. After the initial honeymoon stage, and the novelty of the relationship wears off, couples start to get more impatient with each other, less tolerant, and generally feel a loss of spark or passion. Talking with him on a daily basis may have helped him avoid dealing with the breakup thus far, and isn’t going to help you win him back. The best advice I can give is to read our articles and follow the guidelines on winning him. This includes applying no contact to give him an opportunity to miss you and let the breakup sink in for him so that he may end up regretting his decision.

Jimothy H
Jimothy H

Hey there I had a question, how long or how many months before one should cut our losses and walk away? I’ve been rebuilding attraction for about 2-3 months and I’ve tried escalating and so far she has responded positively, i suppose. It seems she has gotten used to the idea of talking to me every day again and often times she’ll seem upset that i dont reply or if she calls and say im at the gym, she’ll say “call me when u leave” and sometimes i dont just to test the waters and she’ll tell me “why didnt you call” or “i didnt hear from you anymore”. From time to time she’ll bring up things from our relationship that she didnt like (things i wasnt even aware of) and then she’ll say lets drop it and she’ll seem upset. Kind of a mood killer. It wont be out of the blue though, for example this last time she brought it up because we brought up a particular event we went to and then she said something about that event that i did that she didn’t like (which she never told me at all).. She doesn’t respond negatively to physical touch either. I know this is all good news i guess but there are often times when it seems she doesn’t want to get back together or it seems she doesnt have feelings for me. It’s odd but sometimes it feels this way. So idk if i should bring something up or just keep it going???

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would seem that she isn’t responding negatively to you which is a positive sign. However, it does feel that she has communication issues, and you would have to learn how to get around it and find an effective way to get her to tell you about what she feels. Her feelings towards you right now may not have increased from the last time perhaps because something is stopping her from doing so, and she isn’t telling you about it. You could try to talk to her about it to understand how she feels towards you, and decide again from there.

Leah
Leah

My ex of 5 years and I broke up 6 months ago. We had just lost the spark in our relationship and felt more like best friends. I initiated the conversation more than him but it was a mutual decision. We shared a home and had to move out and it’s all been very painful. We continued to speak everyday up until recently when I noticed him become slightly more distant. I knew he had been speaking to another woman a couple of months ago but he kept promising me that this had stopped and that he was unsure of his feelings and whether there was a future for us. In the last couple of months I have started to regret the break up a lot. I wish we had put more time and effort into things instead of giving up. A couple of weeks ago after a conversation, it came to light that he had been on a couple of dates with someone else and told me he had slept with her and there was were the start of some feelings towards her. He said he didn’t want to tell me because he still loves me and cared about my feelings and hurting me. Luckily the girl has now moved to another country so it was a short lived thing but really hurtful as he was still speaking to me everyday. Although I am still worried they will keep up contact and maybe they may have a future! He has said now that he is sorry but he thinks there is no going back for me and him. To me it only feels like the break up has started now and not 6 months ago due to the fact we were still speaking all the time. I started no contact 3 days ago and today I had a message from him basically summarising our conversation from the other day saying how he feels and he still loves me and hopes I can be happy. I didn’t respond which has been really difficult as he sent another message asking if I had received the previous and that it had been hard for him to send and he hopes I’m ok. Do you think with continued no contact this could be salvageable?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps, down the road but you’ll have to figure out what went wrong with the relationship exactly and if the spark can be re-created again with him. It works both ways, and if you think that by going through NC properly you’ll be able to make clear positive changes in your life, the chances of you attracting him back would still exist. However, it might not be immediate and even then, there’s no guarantee that he would become attracted to you again so you will have to mentally prepare for that as well.

Kris s
Kris s
Ryan – Ex Back Permanently Team Apr 9th, 2018 at 04:20 am To be frank, you’re going to have to act supportive of her decision if you still want a chance at making things work. I understand that you don’t want to see her leave, but if you start begging or losing control of your emotions, you’re only going to push her further away. Right now because the relationship is over until you win her back, she does not have a longing reason to stay and whatever obvious actions you make will only make her think you’re trying to win her back because you want her to stay.**************************************************To: -Ryan sorry dude I had to put you last message on here because it would not let me reply down below.. I’m not sure how often you get on here but I truly wish I had gotten this advance sooner be I already did this by begging her to stay and it pushed her away even more.. she s kept saying it’s a good move for her.. yesterday we went on a date to see if we can make it back to that point of relationship and I gave her a promise ring saying I wanted to marry her and I promise to do what it takes to makes things right between us.. she was so happy and said she would marry if I had proposed with a ring however she would still move to another city for her job.. I said that would put a strain on our relationship and wouldn’t work.. I said how cane we be engaged or married living in different cities? She said if we both make the necessary adjustements and work at it , it could work.. also she use to flirt and went on a date with a ex Co worker and is also moving to that same city.. she doesn’t have any family out there and doesn’t know anyone except the person who has been actively trying to her her attention and to have sex with her.. that pissed me off.. that’s one of the main reasons I didn’t want her to go.. I won be there and this other person will be around her 24/7.. the last night we had a argument because even though we are not together now she has been talking late night with her ex (child father) she spent the night at my house last night and he called after hours.. she admitted to talking with her and flirting and staying up in phone with him.. I got angry because I asked her how can we have a marriage if you’re still doing same things that broke with up… Read more »
Kris S
Kris S

Hi Ryan just a up date … she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to… girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?!

Sandy
Sandy

Thank you so much for your quick response. So since then he has been replying, some positive messages but when I said – let me know if you want to meet for a coffee or something be replied saying he misses me and us but is worrying if it’s the right thing to do. I left it and then a few days later wished him a happy Easter.

He’s been replying but with mostly neutrally to my positive good memory texts and I just don’t know what to do now. Please advise how on how to get him to want to meet with me/ attract him back?? I read somewhere you are supposed to text for a week those kinds of messages to open the lines of communication up and build rapport but I just feel like he’s not interested.

It’s been 2months since the break up.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would be best to simply build upon casual topics right now to to build a level of comfort and habit between the two of you talking again. Get him used to that idea, until his trust in you and familiarity comes back, and he may then respond more positively towards your sweet messages.

Sandy
Sandy

Thank you so much for your rapid response again. He’s been replying more positively. Your advice is working and he has now asked to meet with me this weekend. Very thankful. Will let you know how it goes!!! 🙂

Aaron
Aaron

Hi. My girlfriend and i were a good couple. At least i thought so. We would quarrel but usually quick to resolve the issue and make up. We were together for around 3 months. During the 3 months, she loved me crazily, and i did the same. 1 month ago, i had to move overseas to study. At the start she was okay with it, she still loved me the same. But the past 2-3 weeks, she started making excuses for being too tired to text, or other reasons for not being able to video call. I could sense that the emotional connection between us slowly becoming distant. Last week, we called for short break in the relationship, we reconciled 2 days after. She said she wants to continue being together. Yesterday, she said she still has feelings for me, but it is lesser now, and she felt like her feelings were forced, which i didn’t quite agree with because i believe that there is more to a relationship that just feelings; such as communication, trust, faith, effort etc. Nevertheless, i reluctantly agreed to break up. According to her, her love language is Quality time and Physical touch. Do you think it may be the lack of quality time together and lack of physical touch that could have caused her feelings to fade?
Anything you can recommend to help? As of now i haven’t had any communication with her except through following each other on instagram

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Long distance is definitely not easy for any relationship. It brings up the aspects we otherwise take for granted, and one being physical contact and time in your ex’s case. Those factors can definitely cause someone to feel more distant from their partners. Depending on how strongly your ex needs contact and time in order to maintain her feelings for you, it may not be possible to find a permanent solution because the situation will still remain present as long as you’re overseas. If you’re only going to be away for a short period, perhaps it might still be possible to convince her to pull through until you return.

Ben
Ben

My gf broke up with me about 7 months ago. The first 4 months were just trying to patch things up but it didn’t work. So I started NC last 3 months I messed up the first NC so i decided to do the second one. Next week would be the end of the second one. However my gf had a convo with my mum and she agreed to give me a 2nd chance. She told my mum I should call her. But I’m kindna like a phone call would be too confrontational. I forgot to say the main reason why we broke up was she accused me of not calling or showing enough care she just hate me texting all the time. Since she requested a phone call from me, do u think it is a good idea to text her and if I have to text or call her what would I say?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since she hates texting and has requested for you to call, texting her may end up getting her angry again and reminding her why things ended the first time. I would recommend that you follow her suggestion, and give her a call. You could apologize for not showing her enough care or calling enough, and if she really has given you a second chance, work to change those aspects if you haven’t already done so.

Ben
Ben

I think I have messed up again. I did text her and I had no reply and it has been 2 days since I sent her the message.this was what I sent her
Hello, Good afternoon. How have you been? I would loved to hear your voice but since we haven’t talked for a while now. I think a call would be too confrontational. I had a convo with my mum and she adores you 😊. I decided to initiate contact. I hope youve been doing well and you’re loving your new job. 😊😊

Now I dnt know what to do. I’m wondering she won’t pick up my calls but why would she tell my mum she would give me a second chance, does she really mean it? I would call her and try to apologize that I should have call when my mum told me to call. What do you think. Thanks for your reply earlier on.

Ben
Ben

I think I messed up again. I messaged her instead of calling her this was what I sent her
Hello, Good afternoon. How have you been? I would loved to hear your voice but since we haven’t talked for a while now. I think a call would be too confrontational. I had a convo with my mum and she adores you 😊. I decided to initiate contact. I hope youve been doing well and you’re loving your new job. 😊😊

I had no reply. I dnt know how to approach her now. It has been 2 days since I sent the letter. Should i tell my mum to call her or i should call and apologize, would that look like I am desperate? What should I do?? Cos i have a feeling she might not pick up my call.

GAURAV SINGH
GAURAV SINGH

Hi,
Me and my girlfriend have a 6 months relationship, our family are conservatives and due to that I ended the relationship last month.
But after 3 days we are back together.
But now today she decided to end it.
I said that you are on the same phase as I was last month, so I will wait for you for come back.
I don’t know what to do next.
After my breakup last month I am more committed in the relationship than ever before.
So what do I do to get her back. She is my classmate and I have to see her after 2 days

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could refer to this article on tips to deal with your ex if you have to face her on a daily basis. I would suggest going into No Contact for now, and giving her some space to decide what she wants to do.

pam
pam
so after 2.5yrs together, my fiance of 6mnths has ended it. he was my 1st relationship in all sense of the phrase, i had only ever had 1st dates before him. although we are the same religion, our backgrounds were different, my family being far stricter, and this was always a problem in the relationship as we didn’t have the freedom he felt we needed in order to confirm we belonged together. despite that, he did propose on what was the best day of my life, however 1 week later, a fight about the usual, freedom in our relationship, really burst the happiness bubble. we struggled through the next 4mnths, always about lack of freedom, how i needed to be honest to family about what i wanted etc. wedding planning was not good. i bought a dress on a weekend we fought, the venue deposit was paid through bad feelings, no dj/cake/decorator/honeymoon got confirmed. just always me researching and suggesting ideas and him telling me this isn’t the engagement that he wanted. he did order save the dates off his own back, so there was something in him that showed he wanted to get married, but no best man was confirmed, no stag, no grooms outfit, nothing. all we had was me crying that married life would be better than dating/ engagement as we would have the freedom he craved so much. eventually i gave in and found ways to lie to family; id stay over but even those nights often got ruined as his whole attitude was harsh and sad. he was never abusive physically or verbally. but he was unkind for sure. its confusing for me now as i want to live happily ever after with him and get the wedding back on a track. but even typing this i realise how awful a relationship it was, because of him. if he really loved me, freedom would not have been the end of the world, but it was. so he just didn’t love me enough. i hate to admit it. i think i coerced him to propose and stay together as long as we did. i hate that i played myself for so long. worse, i hate that the limits to a full relationship in his eyes made a really fun exciting man into a sad and hurtful one. he was a great guy, i was so excited to be the woman in his life as he always wanted to do fun things and he was clever and smart. i just wish it had worked out. i’m not angry that he was so unkind to me, i wish he just had more patience and understanding of the limits… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hang in there Pam. These things happen, and we do hope that you’ll have a happily ever after, but it was clear that he didn’t seem ready to get married because of whatever reservations he had. The relationship had also probably tired him out and caused him to change over time, which in turn made you very unhappy. Give it some time and space, and see how things go again, but if it was genuinely not a healthy relationship, you are better off considering the alternative of walking away to find happiness elsewhere.

oraytt
oraytt

Hi there, My ex is dating with someone. though we still talk because were classmates. we still do the things we do. but im having a hard time with the new guy. and i cant make the no contact because we meet everyday

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could follow this article on tips of how to handle no contact in such a situation.

Jade
Jade

Hi,

So my ex broke up with me less than a week ago and I have tried to initiate NC, however he has text me and we are seeing each other to sort through out stuff. I have told him I need space to process this however, he still checks up on me to check if im okay even though he doesnt say much back to me. I am thinking of giving him about four weeks to have space as I know I need that too. What would you recommend the best way to contact my ex? He knows I like to write letters but has never written one to me and I don’t want to scare him off and would like to get a response from him. This may sound weird but planning out my next moves for myself and even contacting him is helping me accept the break up. Thanks!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could follow the guidelines found in our article on what you should do. Alternatively, this article might help specifically for your game plan after no contact ends.

Excalibur6
Excalibur6

I reconnected with my ex after 3 weeks no contact. Went good she suggested meeting for dinner, she bought I Did all the right things night went great.

After she said she didn’t want to jump back into relationship. Knowing her I took this as her stringing me along. I panicked and wanted to rush the makeup talk, because she ending things really badly with me, she faked cheating to push me away. For sure she didn’t after having a honest talk.

Anyways after I asked her to come to a club after a week. She comes we have a great dinner and night. She did say she felt she needed to date others to know if I’m the one casually during dinner.

We had great time she got too drunk. I took care of her brought her home after vomiting everywhere, cleaned her etc.

In the morning she’s all over me affectionate and we were kissing etc. I haven’t experienced this in months

We were going to meet up for dinner at my place and she was going to take me out to dinner It was going great.

Anyways few days later I get paranoid that she’s maybe seeing that guy because I don’t fully trust her after the breakup and still have doubts to whether she was cheating for real or not from before the relationship ended. Anyways I Caught her in a lie about where she was one night because I didn’t want to continue if she was lying to me.

Anyways she pulled away said we weren’t right for one another said she remembers why she broke up when I annoyed her trying to explain my rational for confronting her lie. And I pleaded to try and keep her dating me.

I said fine I’m cutting you out for good. Dot want you as a friend or a crutch while you date others. Or I’m a plan b. Your being mean etc. I said I’ll. Give you a week to change your mind, she liked that idea and said she might contact me. I said I won’t initiate ever again.

Should I go nc again? 30 days? Let her cool off for a few or give up?

She did says she was about to start seeing a guy off Tinder.

She seems to have feelings but knows we aren’t right for one another.

Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Let her cool off for now, and perhaps go about NC anywhere between 2-4 weeks depending on the severity of the incident. Keep in mind that you should learn to control your emotions better and not jump to irrational thoughts or get overly possessive because you are not yet officially back together with her. I think that if you want a chance at winning her back, you would have to make some changes to your mindset and emotions, as the possessiveness and insecurities were probably what pushed her away this time.

Kris S.
Kris S.
Hi Ryan I need you help again. I got my girl back in January after completely the 30 day no contact.. it absolutely worked! Here’s the problem now. She recently broke up with me again a few days ago and this is the 3 rd time we have broken up. First time I broke up with her and last two times she broke up with me. After the 30 day no contact I was able to improve myself and heal somewhat. We got back together even tho she was hesitant at first. She broke up with me recently because she said I kept bringing up the past situations we fought about (she hooked up with her ex more than I once). We would argue about how she hooked up with him multiple times when we broke up and I said it was shady because if she loved me she would not have done that. Also same day we broke up , she hooked up with her ex , which is why I said shady.. didn’t make sense to just happen out of nowhere.. also she said I don’t care about her anymore or the relationship because of my nonchalant attitude.. this is not the case I care and love her but she sometimes takes me for granted so I purposely would be act nonchalant.. of course this just made things worse. She said we don’t work and never will because of this also she was upset we don’t have sex a lot.. she wants more sex but I was somewhat turned off by her hooking up with other people in the past.. I want her back and for us to work properly. Yesterday I asked her out to dinner and she made arrangements to meet me however we ended up arguing.. she says she feels she can never open herself back up to me again. She has a history of saying she wants me to chase after her then turn around and tell me not to chase her heart. What should I do to get her back and keep her? We don’t want to be stagnant relationship. I asked her yesterday if she wanted me to stop chasing her and she said yes , but then when I asked if she would allow me to show her I care and we can work with my actions, would she allow me to show her exp take her out or hang out.. she said yes she was willing to allow that.. I’m so confused dude about what this girl really wants . If she’s really done with me or if she just want me to try harder. Please please help Ryan
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s not only about what she wants at this point, but also the communication breakdown that you both seem to have. You’ll have to learn to let go of the negative past events if you ever want anything to work out. You’ll also both have to communicate your needs, and try to reach a compromise, and to avoid bringing up the past whenever you get into an argument. For the time being, going back into NC again might be the best solution as you give her some time to cool off before trying to reach out once again.

Kris s
Kris s

Thanks Ryan.. I have another dilemma now. She just told me today she has a job interview Monday for a position in another city. I love her and don’t want her to go. She says it’sore money and she would have stayed if we were together or engaged.. I asked her to be my gf again and she said no it’s too soon and I’m just saying that to get her back or to stay.. this isn’t true.. I was trying to do the N.C. rule again and give her space otherwise I would have asked her son time ago.. what do I do dude?! I can’t loose my girl.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be frank, you’re going to have to act supportive of her decision if you still want a chance at making things work. I understand that you don’t want to see her leave, but if you start begging or losing control of your emotions, you’re only going to push her further away. Right now because the relationship is over until you win her back, she does not have a longing reason to stay and whatever obvious actions you make will only make her think you’re trying to win her back because you want her to stay.

Pls Help
Pls Help
My ex and I were together for almost 4 years, had a dog, lived together for the last one. It was a bad idea to move in together, we were at 2 completely different places in our lives. We started fighting more often than not in our last year, intense, hurtful fights. He broke up with me a month before Christmas when we were going away with his family- I was devastated. Although we didn’t bombard each other with texts or calls we still didn’t do NC and continuing arguing about everything in our usual fashion for about 3 months. We then did NC for a month, he reached out to me after we matched on a dating app asking to see me and the dog. We got together, it went ok, we didn’t fight but we still had a bit of a heated discussion (on his end, I was calm in explaining how I understood we needed time to heal and get over our negative feelings). His issue is that he doesn’t want to talk about things anymore, understandably so, because it’s exhausting however we haven’t actually resolved any issues. We didn’t speak for a week- he called me at 4am which I didn’t answer. He then started texting me quite frequently, said he thought about me and our relationship a lot and although he wasn’t completely fine he recognized some issues and was open for a discussion. We hung out, it was great, ended up sleeping together, but knowing he is on a dating app obviously I felt vulnerable and wanted to talk to him about it. Bad idea, for 3 days we had yet another one of our blow out fights with him yelling and swearing at me, calling me names, being downright disrespectful, because my bringing up my feelings were a reminder of why we broke up in the first place, it took him right back to square 1 because he remembered all the bad things he was feeling from before, saw that nothing had changed and needed to take a step back again (and the guy has a temper so this was not said in a nice way whatsoever). So we are now back to NC which I intend not to break, it’s been a little over 4 months since we broke up and I guess I’m wondering if we think he is going to reach out again, and if he does if it’s simply because he misses me or because he’s hoping to reconcile? Or if you even think we have a chance at reconciling at this point? His birthday is coming up and I’m wondering if I should text him (because he texted… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems to me that unless you ex decides to change his way of dealing with conflict and negative emotions, even if you do reconcile with him, the same issues would occur as communication constantly becomes a major issue for both parties. His activities on the dating app may be a result of breaking up, in which you shouldn’t overthink since everyone has their ways of coping which could stop once things settle down with him. You could drop him a text on his birthday but if NC has not ended yet, perhaps try to limit the amount of small talk for awhile longer, but use the birthday text to get a sense of how he responds towards you.

Raegan
Raegan

So my boyfriend broke up with me today. We broke up once before over a silly little thing which he admitted was a stupid reason. But this time I messed up. I lied about something pretty big and lied about it for a while. He found out from a friend that it wasn’t true. He asked me about it and I admitted to it. I lost his trust and he broke up with me. Idk if there’s still a chance or not.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’ll probably have to give him some space for now to cool off, and apply no contact first before attempting to re-gain his trust again and getting him to open up to you once more. It definitely depends on how badly he took it and whether he’s a person who can forgive easily or not.

Albert
Albert

Hello.
My gf broke up with me with a message WhatsApp, she texted that she was not comfortable with me anymore. that really hurt me a lot, i never expected that, yeah, we had some troubles before, she was so irritated all the time that i was with her. Everytime i tried to be nice and calm down the situation, but she always found a reason to be upset with me. We have been together for almost 4 years. I give her space, and then 2 weeks without see each other she texted me that she was done, and i asked her if at least can the break up could be face to face, i want to see her a last time to say goodbye and thank her for everything, and she agreed. that happened sunday, im gonna see her this saturday, but we dont set up it “formal” i only asked if saturday can we see us to talk ,but we didnt set time, and no place where can we meet up.. what can i do? i havent texted since that day, should i text her that day? Please help. i want her back

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes you could, or the night before to schedule a timing to meet. You might have to understand in greater detail why she could so easily lose feelings for you from 2 weeks of not contacting her, and if it’s genuinely on her part that she requires patience and lots of physical contact in order to sustain an emotional connection, you might have a tough time following our guidelines on no contact.

Jin
Jin

Hi ,i were in a long distance mix culture relationship with my british ex bf.we have been together for one and half year,we visited each other or went to another country together. one month ago he broke up.with me.then he flew to Portugal to try to sleep with another chinese girl.and he made it.after that i started no contact.3 days ago i contacted him .he gave quite positive response .today he wanted to call me. i agreed.then he told me he was in the airport .going to fly to china to meet her new chinese gf which he slept with in Portugal.we talked only 8mins,then i hang up,he wanted to talk longer because he is bored waiting in the airport.now i am so frustrated,dont know what i should do during his visit this time.please help me.thank you.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he is already dating someone new, perhaps it might a better idea to walk away from him and move on. It seems like because of his new partner, that he no longer displays romantic affection towards you and trying to re-ignite it while he is dating someone else is inadvisable.

James
James

Hello!
I did all the necessary steps and it was working for a bit. After NC I rebuilt communication with her through texting. We went out on 2 “friendly dates” and we both had the time of our lives. She was giving me some vague signs that things were going well but that could be because we had a great 2-year relationship and things never got ugly during our breakup. However, when I asked her for another meeting she said “we can’t keep going out like friends”. I finally convinced her to meet once more so I explained that I don’t see her as a friend, that I learnt from my mistakes, our past relationship ended for a reason and I wanted to start something new with her. She got a bit emotional and did some blaming on both of us. She told me she doesn’t want to try again because she wants to move forward and put herself first. We then spent the rest of the night hugging and laughing to our stupid inside jokes before saying goodbye, seemingly forever.
I now fully know the reasons to our breakup and it’s definitely not something irreconcilable, more like bad timing and everyday life that led to losing the flame. We both know we can have a good time together, she still loves me and doesn’t want anybody else at this time. She’s affected by this but tries not to give me anything to hope for and wants to stay true to her decision because “not looking back” and “the best is yet to come”. Seems like all hope for getting back together is lost. Is there anything I can still do?
Thanks!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The best thing left to do at this point is to give some time between the both of you. She feels this way now because ultimately, she may not have let go of all the negative emotions she felt back then. If you feel that bad timing and loss of spark was the key issues, if you really do want her back, perhaps address those issues by giving enough time to pass and both of you start to align more again in frequency. However, this time frame is not definite and it would probably require a lot of patience from you as you continue being her friend for now. If you think that you’re unable to do so, moving on might be the easier thing to do instead.

James
James

Thank you for your response! It makes sense to think she hasn’t let go of all the negativity. I’m all for being her friend for now but she isn’t gonna let me be around because like I said it still affects her and makes her feel conflicted. So yeah, I’m not sure what to do next.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Continue giving her space for now since it’s clear that she hasn’t reached a stage where she’s okay talking to you normally again. Continue with no contact and let more time pass before attempting again.

Ness
Ness

Hi Ryan, my 8months boyfriend broke up one month ago now. He confess me afterwards that he was going through a depression since 2 months (as he might loose his business) and that our relationship was stressing him out as I was often complaining. That he still loved me but he wanted to be single and focus on himself to sort out his life. I should have respect his wishes but instead I did everything I should not have done. Asking him to reconsider his decision many times, hookup maybe 3 times since then to keep contact, and sending him a lot of messages asking insecurity questions. I came at his without no warning to talk face to face 2 days ago around 11PM and he literally lost his temper saying I was weird, I was sending too many massages which distracted him, that I had too many red flags to be together again.. He asking me to leave and that he didn’t want to hear about me again. The next day I deleted everything phone number, messages, and unfollowed him to start to move on as I didn’t think I would hear from him again. But he eventually send me a text to apologize and explained me that he had a stressful day and was literally fed up with everything. So I am wondering do you think I have a chance to get him back with the NC period ? What shall I do ? Thanks a lot

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since he is feeling stressed out and is facing many issues, perhaps NC might do both of you some good since it gives him space to deal with his issues and let go of the pent up frustrations he might be feeling towards you. At the same time, it would be good for you to take some time to change any negative aspects of yourself so that when you initiate contact again, he would see you in a different light.

Cory
Cory
Hello, My boyfriend (33) and I (29), a same-sex couple, were together for one year and four months. We would see each other every weekend and we would stay at either of our places since we live about 1.5 hours away from each other. During our relationship we texted daily, we travelled, I met and became friends with his friends, I would cook for us, everything was going great. About 6 months into the relationship there was a decrease in sex/fooling around, but I attributed it to him taking Adderall after we became a couple. I calmly brought it up twice throughout the relationship. We talked about it and he said he thought it was the medicine. We never really argued or fought at all. I felt that we communicated fairly well. About a month ago, we met up in the city for dinner with a friend and we had a great time. The next evening, he drove up to my apartment and was shaking when he walked in. He said, “Babe, I think we need to break up.” I felt shocked and said, “Ok, but can you tell me why?” he gave me answers that he wants to move to a new city and start a new life. That he wouldn’t feel right asking me to move and what if he failed or decided to move back. He did say I could text him if I had any questions and he said he would answer them. I texted him a few times and he later said, he wasn’t sure there was anything to bring the spark back. About a week post break up, he defriended me from Facebook, where I had only posted twice, but would “like” comments and other posts. I will admit that I went to his Facebook page and saw that some guy tagged him on a post. I had never heard of this guy before, and now I’m coming up with all sorts of thoughts and scenarios in my head. I’m trying my best to believe they’re just friends. I did no contact and finally sent him an email a couple days ago. It was formatted like Kevin suggests and puts no pressure on him to reply, and I’m not expecting a response. I know him well enough to know that he’s a determined guy and will want to stick to his decision. I was blindsided by the breakup, but now that I’ve had the chance to look back on our relationship, I can see where we each could have done better. I wish I could have realized this earlier. I’ll be waiting a week or two to send him a text message. My question… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If it’s a picture relating to the relationship that might lighten the mood as you say or bring back familiar memories, by all means include it within the next message you send him.

Mohammed SB
Mohammed SB

Hey,
My ex gf broke up with me on 4th of Feb 2018, we were together for 8 months things were going so good we loved each so much other until our last month, things changed and she got busy and we stopped communicating like we used to but i used to ask her whats going on and why she changed, she kept saying that shes busy moving to her new house but suddenly one day she told me that she cant continue this relationship because she got tired and shes afraid that nothing will happen between us in the future i tried to ask why whats wrong then she told me about this guy she met on the last month of our relationship and that she wants to be with him, at first i was shocked and really upset and i stopped communicating (NC) for 17 days then i initiated contact with her on day 18 but never showed a sign of weakness and i kept the conversation brief i made her laugh and everything was good but at the end of that week i couldn’t hold myself about her and the new guy and i told her how i missed her and that we can sort things out and i tried to meet her but she refused and said she cant and refused to get back, she said its hard for her to be back together with me i felt so bad and That’s when i stopped contacting her and used NC again but this time I’m doing it the right way and its my 27th day on NC but she didn’t contact me and she didn’t show any signs of missing me but 2 days ago she started posting pic of her new bf on Whats-app (we are friends on Whats app) and saying how much she loves him and she’s happy with him she kept that post for about half a day then she changed it, I started to panic and I don’t want to lose her,I love her so much and I’m sure that we can sort things out, so should i initiate contact with her? so that she doesn’t move on with her new bf and forget about me or should i stay in NC ??

PS: she started to show her new relationship on snap chat and Instagram with this guy, she didn’t use to do this stuff with me but i unfollowed her on snap chat and Instagram since the day we got broke…… so Why showing!!!!! ( we are apart for more than 1 month)

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There might be a possibility that she may have moved on since the break up, but there’s also a chance that he is simply a rebound, since people who get into rebound relationships tend to amplify their feelings of affection towards their new partner in order to escape the negative emotions of the breakup with you. Unfortunately, while she is still together with the new guy, there isn’t much you can do (or should) because your actions would be met with hostility or negativity, and things may only end up getting worse. Right now, you can either decide to continue with NC further and observe what happens down the road, or consider moving on from her if you’re unable to wait it out.

Anakaren
Anakaren

So I was only able to stop texting my ex fiancé for 2 weeks. When i messaged him he was being really cool. I asked him if he wanted to work things out and he said he didn’t know that we had to talk in person first. Well he was taking hours to reply to me but I saw on the app he was texting and talking to someone on the phone constantly. I called private and it was a girl. Well long story short I made a huge deal I texted her and told her whatever she could keep him. He wasn’t mad that I went through his privacy. I ended up apologizing to both because I obviously did wrong but things in a way for better for my ex and I. He said he still loves me but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He told me to do myself and go out on dates. I’m really confused because he said he’s not going to be dating or sleeping with other girls but he is going to go out and socialize. He said we can be friends with benefits if there isn’t any strings attached. But we both love eachother so this is so confusing

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Not to be negative, but it honestly sounds as if he has emotionally given up on the relationship with you for whatever reasons. The fact that he was nonchalant to your actions, wanting to continue going out to socialize and even suggesting to become friends with benefits does make it seem like he doesn’t care. However, I may not know the full situation, and if you feel otherwise and want to win him back, perhaps give both parties some space and apply no contact. Definitely do not agree to becoming friends with benefits in the meantime.

Sandy
Sandy

Please help me…I was with my boyfriend for 6months, he is 45 and I’m 31…it was a very good relationship but last month was bad due to arguments because his ex gf harassing him all the time causing insecurities. We broke up 6weeks ago now -he said he needed space. I did 1week no contact then messaged to see how he is and then we communicated briefly and then he ignored me.

I sent him a hand written letter agreeing with his decision to split even though that’s not how I felt. I heard from him next day but then replied and he ignored me. I finished 2weeks of no contact a few days ago and initiated a good memory text and he replied with a polite formal message. I asked if he wants to meet for a coffee but he hasn’t responded. What do I do? I really need to see him and desperately want a chance to rebuild our relationship.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he still continues to ignore you, it would best to properly finish No contact and give him more space since he has expressed it. You should be spending time within this period to make positive changes to yourself as well, so that when you do make contact after NC, he would see you in new light as a changed person.

Anne Klein
Anne Klein

My boyfriend broke up with me very suddenly about 4 days ago. He said he just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and wanted to explore more things. We are supposed to talk again in several weeks. I am trying to go through the no contact period, however I go to school with my ex and I am unable to avoid him. I recently texted him that I wanted him to keep his distance so I could have time to think and heal from the breakup. He agreed to this, but hasn’t really been sticking to those conditions. How do I get him to miss me if I have to see him everyday? I am trying to act nonchalant around him but I’d rather us not have any contact at all. He is also not acting like himself around others and is trying to get attention and be outspoken as if to look like he is fine without me. He’s never acted like this before, what does it mean? I’d love to get back together in the future but I don’t know how to go about the no contact period if I have to see him every day.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could refer to this article on ways to deal with an ex that you have to meet frequently. Additionally, his outspoken and unusual behavior may be the result of him still having feelings for you but unsure of how to process them, therefore actively trying to convince himself that he’s fine.

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