10 weeks of no contact. What next?

I was hoping that people would be able to give me some advice about my current situation. I have spoken at length with friends and family but still feel unable to get my head around what happened to me 10 weeks ago.

My story is that I met a man 6 years my senior through work. He pursued me initially and I had come out of a serious relationship where he gave me very little attention. We went on a first date and immediately it was clear that there was chemistry between us. We spoke almost all night and didn’t get home until the early hours. We kissed for the first time and I started to fall for him.

This man has a child from a previous relationship (he was married) but this ended due to them being extremely different people (they married very quickly and she was from a different country). She has now moved on and remarried.
My ex and I were together for 18 months. In that time we lived together for around 9 months and we went on three holidays abroad, including a travelling trip for four weeks. We spent all of our time together and got on very well. We rarely argued and I was accepting of his son. I made an effort with him and we did things together as a family.

My ex told me that he had never loved anyone the way he loved me and it was clear from the way in which he treated me that he loved me dearly. He was very affectionate and friends would comment about how much he appeared to love and desire me. I met all of his family and he met all of mine. We made plans for our future which included marriage and children. I have never had such a positive and loving relationship. We had great chemistry and had lots of sex which was the best we had both ever had.

I know that he has walked away from this relaitonship still in love with me but it is his fear of comittment (after it not working out before) that scares him off. He has told me that he does not want to be alone forever and that he can see a future with me but he gets scared of what will happen if he fails again. I know he still thinks extremely highly of me. I know I have supported and loved him more than anyone else he has met before. I beleive he loves me and is finding this breakup very difficult.

He has spoken to me at length about the guilt he felt about leaving his family (particularly his son). I helped him through some difficult times and he started to realise that he could have both his son in his life and the woman he loves.

In February of this year I moved further away due to wanting to save money (i chad an opportunity to earn double my salary for 12 months elsewhere). We decided we would then buy a house together in 12 months, once we had enough for a deposit. We started the long distance thing but he ended things explaining that he didn’t feel he could commit. This was after a four week travelling break we spent together. After a week of no contact we spoke and we met up and we were so relieved to be together again that we started our relationship again with him making promises never to let me down and always to value me. I decided to move back to live with him.

Before I moved back, in April (10 weeks ago) he ended things again out of the blue after spending a weekend together. During this weekend there was no indication that he would break up with me. We were having an amazing time together as usual. We were extremely happy together. I mentioned about having a baby and he explained that this scared him. I then said ‘I hope you don’t let me down again’. We went to sleep and the next morning he told me he could not commit to me and give me what I wanted.

I left that morning and cried for days. He sent me a few texts which told me how amazing I was and how I had really improved his life and made him happy. He told me that he would never forget me and would always remember everything I did for him and how I had supported him and loved him like no one else. He told me to take care of myself and to move on with my life.

I know that my ex found me very attractive and he would always say that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever been with. People used to joke telling him he had done well for himself as people tell me I am atractive. I always made an effort to look nice for him and took care of my appearance.

I felt like he needed space away from me to miss me and have a good think about his life and future. I thought with time he may feel differently. I figured he said he didn’t want to be together so I would show him what it would be like not to be together. I also thought it would be good for me to have some space away to see if I wanted this relationship. I have had no contact with him for 10 weeks. I have decided in this time, after dating other people and trying to enjoy myself, that I miss him and would like to be in relationship together despite his circumstances not being ideal. I truly love him and want to make things work.

After around 3 weeks of no contact he emailed a friend of mine and asked to meet with her. They met and he told her how he had handled things badly and how everything reminded him of me. He said that he was finding things extremely difficult and that he had to try to ‘keep busy’. He was almost in tears and it was clear he was struggling. He told her that he wouldn’t meet anyone else but I would but that he did not want to know about this. He told my friend that he was worried about the future and felt that I wanted to be in his life because I loved him but that it was not fair to expect me to move and take on his child (he has him every other weekend).

We are still friends on social media and he has frequently changed his photo to pictures of himself on the trips we have taken together and photos of places we have been (he has never done this prior to our split). He also randomly changed his photo to a topless one of himself (this is very out of character behaviour). He changes status’s to songs that speak about reconciling and forgiving. The songs appear to be relevant to our situation. He is always online and it appears he spends a lot of his time on social media (something he never did previously).

He has recently approached my friend again and told her that he has a piece of my clothing at his home. She felt that he wanted to discuss me but she told him she did not want to get involved.

Last week I received a message from a distant family member advising me that they had no contact details for him and that his father was sick (they have limited contact). I assumed that he would want to know so I forwarded this message to him. He thanked me for this. An hour later he sent a further message stating that he was grateful I had forwarded the message and that he wanted me to take care. He once again said that he was sorry for the way he had behaved and that he never meant to hurt me. He told me he has great memories of our time together and told me I was amazing. I did not respond. He then sent a further message five hours later saying that he just wanted to say sorry but he realised words just weren’t sufficient given what had happened. I ignored this message also.

I am really confused as he appears to be showing remorse and regret. He also puts things on social media which I know are directed at me as he has never done anything like this before and the lyrics to songs he puts as status’s are too convenient. My friends feel that they are directed at me. I don’t know whether I need to speak with him and remind him how I feel or should I continue with no contact? I feel like my no contact is back firing on me. My friends tell me to leave him as he has not told me he wants to get back together despite indicating on social media that he has remorse.

I have not changed anything on my social media at all througout this time. I rarely go on my whatsapp so I appear busy. I have been going out with friends, trying to be positive. I have also started attending the gym four times per week, eating healthily and focusing on work. I am in the best shape of my life.

What should I do next? Surely if I really am the love of his life he cannot ignore me forever? He won’t move on for a long time as if he cannot commit to me I very much doubt he will be able to commit to anyone else.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

Louise