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Hello all,
I will try to keep this as short as possible. My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me, essentially because his parents didn’t approve of the relationship (he’s Iranian, I’m not). This had always been a conversation in our relationship — how we would deal with his parents — but he always assured he would fight for me.
We were honestly great together, we didn’t fight, had great chemistry, made each other laugh and got along with each other’s friends. We had discussed marriage and he recently asked me to move in.
Then, we got into a big fight over his parents and him not talking about me enough to them. We led to us breaking up. He said that he hit a wall and was tired of fighting; he couldn’t see happiness in our future because of his family; he can’t see himself becoming apart of my family; and then he said he has been feeling stressed because of our relationship over the past 2 months and that he fell out of love.
I don’t believe he actually doesn’t love me anymore, as his actions and demeanor said otherwise and then he said he tells himself that to make it easier for himself, although I don’t know if he’s just sparing my feelings. He says he’s done talking about it and that nothing he says will make me feel better, it’ll just be time.
I begged, cried, pretty much did everything this site says I SHOULDN’T do. But I am starting NC, and am trying to heal. I am just so torn up over this and it feels like the pain will never end. But my question is: Should I hold out hope or am I just hurting myself more in the process by doing that?
Any advice would be much appreciated,
AA
Hi AA, I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. Your ex belongs to a culture of very strong family bonds and views about marriage. This will not change. The children of Iranian parents almost always accept these same values. Your ex said he can’t see happiness in your future because he can’t bring himself to go against his parents rules and probably never will.. AND he can’t see himself becoming a part of your family. These are major obstacles even if he loves you!
30 days no contact will probably make your ex miss you, but probably not enough to change his mind. Holding onto the hope of a happy future with him is most likely futile. But miracles happen sometimes and you could try the no contact, but don’t get your hopes up too high. At some point, you will know if it’s time to move on.
I wish you the best no matter what happens.Thank you for your honest advice. It just hurts because I feel he should have never started a relationship with me in the first place and made all those promises.
We have almost the same situation expect she kept saying I cheated. All I did was texted others. Anyway I am on my NC now around 13 days (and I made a lot of mistakes as well like begging) . When it comes to cross culture it was extremely hard at the beginning. Things will get better if you two have open mind. I have been always told by my ex, it does not matter what both of your family thinking about you two. What matter are the faith of you two can break though this culture thingy.
@AA I think he tried and wanted to break away from the cultural tradition, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Maybe it’s too ingrained in his mind to ever free himself from it, but time will tell. The western culture is so different in respect to love and marriage as we are free to love whoever we chose. And most parents are happy for their children if the other person makes their child happy, regardless of race or religion. That’s true across the board with the possible exception of people who have strong prejudices. Are you both in the United States?
I am from here, he moved from Iran to Toronto (very similar to the U.S.) when he was about 12 and has lived here in NYC for the past 3 years and is working here permanently.
The reason this is so shocking because this is not who he is. Everything that has happened over this month has been a complete 180 from how he usually is. I didn’t even have the opportunity to meet his parents, which I believe would have made a difference. It’s just so painful to face the reality that this could be over for good.
Hi AA, Moving to Toronto at the age of 12, he would have been exposed to more progressive ideas about life, but parents also would have had a strong influence on him concerning their traditional values. Are his parents in Toronto or are they also in New York? I’m not so sure meeting them would have made any difference or cause them to accept you. It’s nothing personal, just what their culture or religion dictates as far as who they think is appropriate for their son.
Do you live close by your ex? Maybe after no contact for awhile you could ask to meet him to calmly talk about the situation. Don’t give up hope yet, 1 1/2 years is a fairly long relationship and along with the many good memories you must have shared, he might consider reconciling..
Thank you for your replies Patricia,
His parents are not in NY. He sees them a few times a year, as his father primarily lives in Tehran, and the mom goes back and forth between there and Toronto to see him.
He lives in Manhattan, I live in Brooklyn, but work in Manhattan. So we do live nearby, but not so close that I’ll necessarily be running into him.
After he broke up with me (June 13) I was texting him constantly, we would talk on and on about it, saw him a few times to talk it out, cried, did everything wrong. I finally initiated no contact 3 days ago. I feel like such a crazy person, because that’s not usually how I act, at all. I just feel so bewildered.
Hi AA, I know it will be very difficult for you, but try to do no contact for at least 30 days to see what happens. Tomorrow will be day 4. Good luck..
So I was putting away laundry and found a sweatshirt and tshirt of his that he left at my apartment. So I just mailed it back — no note, no letter, nothing.
Will he think I am done with him? I don’t want him to think that … but I’ve already said everything I could and it’s supposed to be no contact.
You did fine by mailing his things back with no note. He won’t think you’re done because he already knows how you feel and that you want him back. Stay strong and stay no contact! Today is day 4 and you’re doing great..
Thank you. It’s Day 5 and I’m feeling very weak and like I am kidding myself. I hope as time goes on it’ll get better.
Okay, day 5. You’re doing great:) Yes, it will get a little easier to stay no contact and yet, as time goes by with no word from him, you may become a little more depressed. But think of it this way, he’s the one who broke up with you and it would do more harm than good, to chase him.
Day 7 of no contact and I’m going nuts. I thought he would at least text me a “thanks” after receiving the clothes I mailed him back, but nothing.
But I have been working on myself: I’ve been running, bought some new books, am going to take a belly dance class and even go on a date Thursday!
Even though I’m losing faith, I started to devise some sort of plan for it I contact him after 30 days: I’m going to call him and ask to meet up so I can apologize for how I acted post breakup…and just take it from there. I have to see his reaction before I get into how I would like to send his mother a gift and take Farsi classes.
Does this sound like a good plan or just hopeless?
Hi, I know it’s hard on you, but I’m very glad you’re keeping no contact. Since he’s the one who broke up with you, he is the one who should get in touch if he wants to see you. Otherwise, it would be begging again if you contact him first. Or this soon..
Maybe after 30 or more days, call or send a text asking how he is. You could also apologize for your behavior after the break up. You don’t have to meet in person to do it, and he would know that. You could judge what he might be thinking according to what he says on the phone or what he replies in a text. If the reply is very casual, you will know he’s not ready to get back together and there’s a possibility he never will..
You haven’t even met his parents and they don’t approve of you being with their son! It’s not about how nice you are or if you send gifts or take Farsi classes. It’s about their beliefs! They won’t change their minds and you shouldn’t take it personally.
Please don’t send his mother a gift, it won’t impress her! If you want to take Farsi classes, go ahead, but you would be doing it more for your ex and he might not want to get back with you, so it would be a waste of your time if he doesn’t. Although it might help if you dated another guy or have friends from Iran..
Sorry to sound pessimistic, but right now I don’t see any signs of your ex wanting to reunite, but maybe it’s too early to tell. Don’t go nuts, lol. Distract yourself and continue to enjoy your life. Tomorrow will be day 8
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