Broke up because of cultural differences

Also, today I’m officially half way through NC. Can’t say I feel better, I actually think I feel worse.

I spoke with my therapist more about it today and she agrees contacting him now would serve no purpose, I’d just be repeating myself and it’s all on him. She believes he probably has some deeper issues, besides his parents, that made him do this, and they probably have nothing to do with me.

She thinks I need to just focus on being happy and moving forward. Sadly, I’d do anything to have him back in my life.

I’m not sure when exactly his parents are coming, probably within the next 1-2 weeks.

Thanks for all the support 🙂

I’ve been replaying our relationship in my mind, see what mistakes I made. I’m definitely not perfect, but nothing I did could have spawned this. I honestly think it was a combo of his stressful job (it was his first year in residency), combined with fighting with me and his parents over our relationship.

I do have a lot of hope to be honest, I just don’t want to get them up so high and end up more devastated than I already am.

I’m on Day 18 of NC and I’m pretty sure his parents are coming next week. I wrote a very heartfelt letter (my therapist said it would help) and didn’t intend on sending it. But now I think this is my last shot and I have nothing to lose.

What does everyone think?

Also, this may seem overly personal, but can I send you the letter I am thinking of sending, Patricia?

Hi, here’s what I wrote:

Dear XXXX,

They say it takes 3 weeks to form a habit. I don’t know how accurate that actually it, but it’s something I hear people say all the time: If you want to quit something or really make a change in your life, all you need is 3 weeks.

Well, that’s what I did. I gave myself 3 weeks without contacting you, which I’m sure you were grateful for. I wanted to give myself a goal, something to help me get used to not having you in my life. And more importantly, I wanted to give you the space you so obviously wanted from me.

When you broke up with me, I was in literal shock. As you know, I was going through a lot: Jacqueline getting sicker, being (unknowingly) pregnant. In hindsight, I realized all of these things made me not the best girlfriend in the last months of our relationship. As for the breakup, I was angry, hurt, desperate, scared … all of which made me lash out and turn into a person who you know is not me, and for that I am truly sorry. Despite this, I never said a bad word about you to anyone, and largely kept this all to myself. And side note, I never told XXXX to text you, she did that on her own after I had particularly bad breakdown.

In these 3 weeks, I’ve calmed down, and started to deal with a lot of what was going on. I started to see a therapist, who is helping me work through my grief and anger; I’ve started reading obsessively, binge watching Netflix, running. I’ve been volunteering to help center myself and realize that my problems are not the worst things in the world. I’ve literally done everything “they” say you need to do in order to change your life and move on.

I gave myself 3 weeks to get into the habit of not talking to you, to let the rawness of the emotional pain heal. But what I realized is that I don’t want to quit you. I wasn’t going to write you this letter because I feared your response, if any. But I now know I have nothing more to lose, so fuck it. I’m not listening to my friends, relationship “experts,” or anyone else. This is all me.

XXXX, I understand more than anyone the importance of family. I would never ask you to choose between me or your family; I don’t think that’s something that is even necessary. I may not agree or understand how your parents view the world, but what I do know is that I love you. And by extension, I love the people who created you.

I know you are driven by logic. “Logically” speaking, how did an Iranian man and a Caribbean woman fall in love in the first place? How did you just come up to me in the gym and literally become everything I was looking for in a man? Love, fundamentally, is not logical. It’s random, but at the same time premeditated. It’s painful, yet the one pain we as humans innately seek, no matter our past experiences. What we had, and what I still feel for you, is something I know to be very rare. Our physical chemistry is insane, and more importantly, how we connected emotionally was as close to perfect as you can get.

It sounds crazy, but I would rather spend 1,000 lifetimes earning the approval of your family, than spend this one lifetime here without you. Ending something beautiful because our families are not the same isn’t logical. You and I are independent people, and the love we shared was irrespective of the people around us.

I was rereading our conversation from May, just a month before we broke up, when I stormed out of your place because I was angry about your mom. This is exactly what you said to me:

Well I always said it was gonna be difficult. Not easy
I stuck around by your side and supported you while you were going through your troubles

But you just jumped ship as soon as I had something to deal with

I always treated you with respect. And that secrecy was giving my parents time to accept it

Which has changed. And they have come around to it

I told my parents I won’t let them make these life decisions for me
And I won’t do that

I was unfair. I walked out on you out of anger, and frustration because I was scared. Scared that this was for real but that it was going to be hard for me, hard for you, hard for our families. But I came back, because I knew that’s what I wanted for my life. That any struggle with you would be worth it in the end. All I’m asking, is that you give me that same chance, that you remember how you felt when I walked out on you.

I know 2016 was a tough year for you. I was there for it. But please don’t cut me out because it seems like the easiest fix. You’re shutting down, emotionally, because you think that’s what you need to do to be strong, to get through this. But from experience, that never works, and everything you’re feeling just manifests in worse ways.

I never truly understood the phrase “you never know what you have until you lose it.” Not that I didn’t know, but losing you hit me so hard, and made it easier to see what an amazing man you are. I fell in love with you for your warmth, your compassion, how considerate you are, how much making me happy mattered to you. I fell in love with you because you loved me for me, and despite the differences between us.

Relationships are difficult, whether the two people are from the same place or not. Sometimes you’re 100% in love and happy. Sometimes you’re at 30%. Sometimes you can’t stand the person; no one is ever perfect. I know you still love me, no matter what you say because your actions contradict your words, the look in your eyes does not correlate with what you say. And no matter how much I have been hurt, no matter how much work would have to be put in, I know that you are what I want and what we had is something that people envy, something that if given the opportunity, your parents would see is real and beautiful. I know that love builds bridges where there are none.

I’m asking you to stop erasing me from what your memory, and remember why you fell in love with me in the first place. You always said you loved me for my strength and resilience, for how I am caring and family orientated. I am a woman who will never give up on you, or abandon you when things are difficult. I am willing to go any distance for you, and I would not do it begrudgingly. Your happiness is so paramount to me.

I find myself thinking at random moments in the day about if you ate, if your apartment is clean, if you’re sleeping, if people at work are being nice to you (and if they’re not, me cursing them out for you), how your projects are going. I want to tell you about my day, hear about yours. I want to know about all the funny things happening among your friends. I have so many things happening in my life that I want to share with you, things you made possible for me.

Everyone has been telling me, “Oh my God, shut up. Just move on, there’s 9 million men in New York City. You can have anyone you want.” But that’s not what I want, and I know that’s not what’s right for me. No one else will be good enough for me. The thought of being with someone else literally makes me sick. And the thought of you with someone else is a nightmare. I’m not saying I’m the most beautiful, or smartest, or any other superlative. But what I know to be true is that no one will ever be down for you in the way that I am. When I said I am your No. 1 fan, I meant it. I want to be your cheerleader, your protector, I want to take care of you when you’re sad and sick, I want to watch you achieve everything you’ve ever wanted. I want to make you breakfast and dinner, I want to annoy the shit out of you. Most importantly, I want you to be happy, and to be free and to be yourself. I just want you.

You said this would be better for our futures, but for me I can’t understand how. I remember you telling me that if you were going to be superstar New York City doctor, you were going to need a (beauty) queen by your side. For me, this hasn’t changed. You don’t deserve anyone less than a fucking queen, literally and figuratively. You need someone who is going to hold you down, and love you for everything you’re about; not just because you’re a doctor, or you check the boxes that their parents want, or that you come from the “right” family. You need a woman who loved you when you were just starting out, a woman who would wait hours for your damn IKEA furniture, a woman who will do your taxes, a woman who will tell someone to fuck off if they have something negative to say about you.

Now, I understand what we are up against: A family who doesn’t really understand the concept of dating, let alone with someone who is not Persian. But I am letting you know I can deal with a family who is not totally understanding; I don’t blame them for being bewildered by the situation as they grew up in a totally different world. But what I want you and your family to know is that I would make ever effort possible; I will learn how to cook Persian food, attempt to learn Farsi, which I have actually started, learn about Islam and other aspects of your culture. I want your parents to know that my only intention is to love you and take care of you.

I know you may not read this letter, or maybe you will. I didn’t write this to beg, or guilt you. I just needed to let you know, now that I am in a clearer state of mind (and less hormonal) that this is how I truly feel, and I am not simply acting on emotion. If possible, I’d like to talk to you in person, now that I’ve calmed down and am no longer a hot mess.

This isn’t just emotional pain. This is a wound that will never fully heal, that will leave a scar on my life, and leave me always wishing that we had given it one more try. That’s all I am asking for. I am hoping that your heart wins out over your logic, and you truly remember what we shared together, not just the moments of difficulty and not just the fear of the future. Because for me, you are it. And for the rest of my life, whether you agree with me or not, no one will ever come above you in my heart.

Love,

XXX

I feel like sending this, while his parents are here, is a good opportunity, for him to finally face it. But I could be wrong.

Thank you for your help, Patricia. You are a beautiful person.