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Boards Reconciliation Complicated Break Up

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  • #72918

    silverjay1969
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2

    I will try to make this as short as possible.
    I dated my ex for only three months. But it was an intense relationship. He told me he loved me and was so lucky to have me and made future plans with me up until the morning he broke up with me. Before I met him, he had an affair with a married woman. He had told me about it, but said he had closed that door, and was ready to move forward with me. That was until she emailed him, asked him to meet for lunch, and said she was finally leaving her husband. He told me about this immediately and said he needed to go find closure with her…meaning he couldn’t move forward with “us” without giving it a try with her. Even with my last contact with him, he insists he still loves me, misses me like crazy, but still can’t move forward without giving “her” a chance. He isn’t necessarily asking me to wait for him, but he’s asking me to stay strong, that “maybe things will change in the future.” I am still ridiculously lost. He blindsided me. To be fair, I think he assumed she would never leave, and was as blindsided by her coming back as I was.

    We have had no contact for two weeks now. To the best of my knowledge, this woman has not left her husband yet, although I have not spent a ton of time digging.

    How does the No Contact Rule work if you’re unsure where your ex is in a relationship with someone else.

    Thanks you

    #72934

    mr_the_ex
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 12

    My humble opinion. I don’t want to make assumptions here but I’m going to anyway.

    I really doubt his ex decided to break up with her husband at a lunch meeting with your ex. I’m going to assume she is somewhat logical and was in contact with your ex for a long period of time before making that decision.

    This is especially true because he is going back to a relationship with her now. I’m guessing it was joint plan by both of them to get back together and it didn’t happen over the course of just a day or two. They were probably in contact the whole time after they “broke up”.

    And I think he has been keeping you as his “back up plan” for the whole relationship. Because of that, he never committed to you in any way, he always half-committed or “maybe committed someday” which is the same thing he is doing right now.

    “Maybe things will change in the future” means maybe he will break up with his married girlfriend and maybe if he does, he doesn’t want to be alone.

    No contact should also mean “no digging” 🙂 You are just creating heartache for yourself by mentally spending time on the relationship to see what details you can find. NC is a time for you to work on yourself, away from direct contract with the relationship, so you can see how you feel about things as well as so your ex has time to reflect on what they are missing.

    I would continue with no contact for a month as a start and consider what you need from the relationship.

    #72947

    silverjay1969
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2

    I am the original poster….I do agree that they had to have been in some contact prior to the lunch meeting. I did know she existed, but believed when he said he was ready to leave that behind, not only because of what he said, but because of how he acted. He honestly put so much time an effort into our relationship that he wouldn’t have had much time for her….but obviously there was some contact.

    At any rate, I do believe I was a back-up plan, even if it was only subconsciously on his part while we were together.

    We have both screwed up the NC period…(although he has no knowledge of my attempt at NC). He is still claiming he’s in love with two women, but can only pursue one. So, even as screwed up as that might be, it still means he’s choosing her, and I must accept.

    I have recommitted to NC, and am going to put in the work on myself for two reasons…one in an attempt to look more desirable, but I am also doing it for me! I am tired of being so depressed about this. I have committed to myself to NC for MINIMUM of 33 days. I am hoping by that time, I will even be able to make it longer.

    Thanks for your input. This has really been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with…and that scares me!

    #72980

    mr_the_ex
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 12

    I agree that he very well may have believed himself that he wanted a relationship with you and still does but that subconsciously, you are his backup plan.

    I heard something once that stuck with me. It was “don’t listen to what people say, look at what they do”. If someone says they don’t want to be around you but keeps coming over, they obviously do want to be around you. And the opposite is also true. People can honestly believe something but it is how they act that tells how they really feel.

    Heartache is such a nightmare. But without risking it, you’d never get to experience the good times of a relationship. One day at a time is how to take it. Each day you get through is a success. You don’t have to think about getting through 30 days, you just have to think about getting through today.

    And it gets better, of course. One day, it won’t be painful at all. The kind of relationship you were/are in is really difficult because I’m sure he waffles back and forth saying how he wants to be with you but then going back to the other woman and saying the same thing. In the end, he may end up losing both of you.

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