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Hello All,
My ex and I broke up about two and a half weeks ago. We have been dating for a bit over a year, although the majority was long distance because I was away at school, and we broke up for a little over a month in March, until I came back in May to get back together with her. Things were great, especially because we were physically together, but I’ve had a problem with pot for the past ~1.5 years. I would be lazy, and would project my own negative feelings about myself on her, and this was the main reason for our earlier breakup.
When I first came back things were great, as I have significantly cut down on smoking. However, as predictable as it may be, I got comfortable and before I knew it, I was smoking everyday, and we started to fight more and more as I became more selfish and impatient. She’s also going through a very tough time in her life, and we sort of got into a cycle of fighting and reconciling. Things were still very passionate and I thought we were just going through a rough patch, but after I got into a major car accident, (luckily I wasn’t hurt at all, but my car was totaled), it seemed she had enough of my habits, and she broke up with me.
Ever since then I immediately went clean. The shock from the accident, the pain from the breakup, and going through withdrawals, made it probably the toughest two weeks of my life, but I stayed clean, and began working out everyday. It was her birthday a few days after the accident, and thinking that this was just a minor issue, I got her a birthday cake, and tried to talk her out of the breakup (big mistake..). About a week into the breakup I unintentionally ran into her at a social gathering, but I managed to not talk to her at all other than casual the casual greeting.
I started feeling intense guilt around 10 days in because of my withdrawals, and realized how I’ve lied to her about me cutting down, and how lied to her about how things will get better. The worst part was that during our relationship I thought I was myself, and that my feelings were legitimately mine, and I kept telling her how she annoys me in certain ways. Only after being sober did I realize that I was just being a selfish addict, and that I’m a much more understanding and patient person. The intense guilt made me feel like I didn’t even deserve her and I texted her a simple “Hey ____”, genuinely wanting to apologize to her.
She just read the text and didn’t reply, and in retrospect I think it was for the better.Now 18 days (today) in I finally had my first normal night of sleep and most of my withdrawals are gone, and the results from working out 6 times a week has been definitely showing! I’ve also been actively searching for a job (which I was constantly pushing back or not doing with my habit) and I feel much better about myself. Feeling this way, I’ve been wanting to contact her, and after a day of mulling over the thought (very emotionally), I texted her about something that reminded me of her and asked her how she’s doing (I somehow convinced myself I don’t have to wait 30 days). A few hours later I realized that this may have been a mistake, as I honestly don’t feel like I’m completely detached from this, and I feel like it’s already giving me a tough time emotionally. Unfortunately the text has been sent, and I have a feeling I won’t get another response.
What would be the best way to proceed from this point on? I keep feeling like I want to call her, as she didn’t text much even during our relationship, and to apologize to her for how I’ve treated her, but I think in the back of my mind I don’t think it’s genuine, and I just want her back.
Thank you for your time reading my story, and any input would be greatly appreciated!
@jl1038 – Pot will mess up your life as you well know. And apparently it negatively affected your relationship and the way you treated her. Sorry to hear about the car accident and glad you’re okay:) Did you get another car yet? Do you live with your parents? How long ago was the last breakup?
It sounds like you’re trying to make improvements and that’s great! You probably wanted to send the text to let her know your drug free and looking for a job so as to give her some hope that you intend to change, but at this point she may not believe you can going by what happened before. Hard to say if she will respond or not, but don’t let that stop you from your mission.
After you get a job and you’ve been off pot for several months, you will be very proud of yourself and it would be the ideal time to contact her again to let her what you’ve been doing. And it might be the incentive she needs to consider reconciling with you. I’m wishing you all the best..
PS: You could call her to let her know your plans to improve. She might be reluctant to believe you can actually do it. Just be upbeat and nice, but don’t ask her to get back together.
Thank you for your reply Patricia! My parents live abroad and I live with my brother, and I was able to get another car with the money from insurance. I quit the day of the breakup so it’s been about 24 days. I think it completely makes sense that she can’t trust me with this anymore, and as you said, I won’t let that stop me from keep improving myself. In all honesty, I’m enjoying my new self, and have been considering going on dates with new people as well. I still get dreams that make me miss her, as part of withdrawal is vivid and emotional dreams, but I think I’m feeling less and less emotionally attached to this matter.
She is actually a non-text kind of person, so maybe a call would work better. I think I’ll take some more time to myself until I’m more detached from this so that I will be more outcome-independent. I’m hoping I can genuinely apologize to her for how I treated her without secretly wanting her back.
@jl1038 – Sounds like you have a good plan and glad you stopped smoking pot! Good luck:)
I just wanted to follow up with the post, as my ex contacted me two days ago. She called me and I found out that she’s in a really bad spot… She got a pretty bad concussion a few days before, and was fired from her job because of her poor performance and sounded like she was not doing well at all. It sort of took me aback, but I did my best to comfort her. She still sounded out of it and she told me herself she couldn’t concentrate that well, so after talking for about half an hour I told her we should talk later.
For some reason, despite all my intentions of wanting to reconcile with her, I couldn’t help myself from thinking that she was just reaching out to me because she was in a bad place, and just wanted me to comfort her. I kept thinking this yesterday, and it was to the point where I was getting slightly annoyed. But today I realized this is sort of weird, considering how I’ve been wanting to reach out to her. While we talked, she did ask about how I was doing and I honestly felt a bit hopeful, but those skeptical feelings kept overwhelming me yesterday. Do you guys think this is just me trying to stop myself from getting hopeful and being disappointed again? Could this mean maybe I’m still not comfortable with myself without her and I need more time to myself? I guess I just don’t want to end up being her friend..
For now, I’m thinking of just being considerate,and reaching out to her time to time, while keeping my own life intact. I guess I’m just a bit confused about my own feelings. Any input would be greatly appreciated!
@jl1038 – Please don’t be annoyed with her. She reached out to you for support because she knew she could depend on you for comfort during this trying time. It’s only been 3 weeks since the breakup so of course you’re not completely comfortable without her. Try not to overthink things! You could reach out to her once in a while, but not too often. Focus more on yourself for now and continue to look for a job. I hope you’re not feeling anymore withdrawal effects from the pot and have completely kicked the habit for good. It’s too early to determine whether she would want to be a friend or something more. You both have things to accomplish and when life is more settled for both of you, that would be the time to take a closer look at a possible relationship situation. Wishing the best for both of you:) And God Bless..
Thank you so much Patricia for the great advice. I think I was being a little too defensive and selfish for some reason.. I guess this turn of events has made it more difficult for me to keep my thoughts of this. It especially pains me to leave her like this, since in truth I would love to do everything in my power to care for her. But you are right that we both have things to accomplish! I will keep my focus on myself and getting a job and check in on her time to time. It’s been 26 days since I’ve touched pot, and the only withdrawals I feel is some nightmares here and there but I’m mostly good. Thank you for asking! It means a great deal 🙂 I’ll post an update in the future!
I agree with what patricia said and what you were thinking is totally normal given the situation. It still seems to me you are doing all the right things.
Thank you mr_the_ex for your input! I’ve honestly been having a bit of a tough week because it almost feels like I’m back to square one on not trying to think about my ex. I refrained myself from contacting her since Monday after just asking how her concussion is and telling her to take care of herself, and I think that was probably the right thing to do.
To simply put it, my question is.. should I reach out to her and meet up with her to try to make things work again? since I feel I have done much to better myself, and have gotten rid of what I believed was the main culprit of the breakup, OR, should I wait a bit more for her to reach out to me since the contact earlier may have just been ‘breadcrumbs’ as people seem to call it. I’m confused with my feelings since the whole point of no contact was to eventually get back into contact, but now that she called me, I’m not sure if that’s the right move.
To be completely honest, I think what Patricia said about how things are too early and we both need more time to figure things out for ourselves is right, as I have found myself very occupied with this all week (more than I should be I must admit), but I guess her getting back in touch has just really riled up my emotions. Please be (brutally) honest with me, as I think I know getting my emotions back on track is more important, but all I can seem to think about is when I should meet up with her. Maybe I just need a word of encouragement just to stay stronger.
Thank you!
@jl1038 – Sorry you’re having a rough week, but you need to stay strong. It’s only been a month since the break up so NO, don’t meet up with her to try and make things work again! I’m glad you got off pot, but you need to get a job. Several months down the road when you are stable, would be a much better time to try and reconcile!
Yes, the call was a breadcrumb. She didn’t ask you to consider reuniting, did she? Just take it one day at a time and focus on what you need to do. Proud of you:) Stay strong and good luck..
Thank you for the concern. I know I can stay strong and focus more on my own life! She did say she made lots of mistakes after mentioning her accident which made me think she was referring to her dumping me, and I find myself convincing myself that maybe I was too abrupt with her, but I think these are just self-rationalizing thoughts for me wanting to contact her. I told her I’m well and even that we should catch up sometime, and I’m planning on sending her just a quick polite text sometime next week to ask about her condition, so I think I did my part in being receptive, and should leave it to her now. In the meantime, I think I’m gonna go get a job!
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