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I wrote this in comments on the page but im worried i may not get a reply so im giving it a shot here!
Hi Kevin I was in a relationship with my now ex boyfriend for almost a year, in the first few months of the relationship things were perfect, circumstances changed i.e. work school family- things got really busy and i found myself accepting his excuses and basically lowering my standards to make the relationship work somewhat on his terms. During the relationship i did feel that he did really love and did really try, but whenever things got out of hand he tried to leave and i had to talk to him about it and make him see the good in the relationship, which looking back on it now is sad and wrong that he couldnt see it himself- i always had to like “pull him back” but it got to a point where after an argument even though he cooled down and got over it he still wanted to leave even though a few weeks prior to that issue he said he was happy with the relationship.
He is not the typical kind of guy who thinks completely logically when it comes to relationships, if its finances, career, assets, life in general then yes but not love, and has alot of pride and ego. For once i accepted the breakup and we decided we will be friends (he made it clear that he had never been friends with any of his exes and that i was the best girlfriend he had and he would hope that in the future if i was still willing and single we could try again) His main excuses/reasons for the breakup were “his full time job and family+others commitments werent allowing for much time to see me etc” and im the kind of person who thrives of bonding and attention with my partner, which he once used to provide.
After the somewhat calm breakup i met up with a friend who told me he was hanging out with one of his girl pals behind my back (our original agreement was that if he wanted to hang out with his other female friends that was fine i just asked that he tell me about it) he always emphasised how thats not something he was interested in doing.. although we had broken up i was heartbroken after hearing this 2 days after the breakup and confronted him.. instead of responding calmly and talking about it he got angry and yelled at me saying it was none of my business and he could hang out with whoever he wanted to hang out with.. when i asked why he didnt tell me he said he didnt have to and i felt so upset i began the no contact rule. I thought we were in an honest relationship and am so upset about the outcome.
Its been almost two weeks since the breakup and he hasnt even tried to contact me ?? Is that a bad sign?? I saw him once at the gym (unintentional, and i was training with a male friend- he just said hi and continued his workout) Im making changes in my life and being independent (as i can admit i was originally dependent on him for happiness and he probably found that more pressuring in addition to his other commitments) i got a new job, im working out alot, i started an oztag team, rekindled with old friends and spoke to my friends in long term relationships about it too and reconnected with the church.. Has he not texted me because he doesnt want to talk or because of his ego and pride? im sure hes over the fight by now because he always gets over any argument but im not(and kinda waiting for an apology). i dont know what to do Kevin, i miss him but im sticking to no contact and its the hardest thing ever. I feel like i will feel more in control if he messages me and i chose not to respond, but he hasnt even tried..
I know youre probably thinking why would you want to get back with someone like that anyway? Part of me thinks the guy that got me in the first place is still there, of course alot of the reason we got to this position is his fault but at the same time i got too needy and he would avoid me and use excuses which was sad.. Please help i dont know what to do and im looking great in photos on snapchat or whatever and going out to lunches instead of hiding in my room but im still so sad. Im not directly contacting him at all like i used to so im clearly showing that the way he spoke to me in that last argument (last point of contact) is not okay but he hasnt tried to make amends and its upsetting…
I’m sorry your in that situation. It is a miserable place to be. Missing someone you had such a close relationship with is so painful and just leaves a hole in your life. When you miss someone you really love.. I remember a quote.. it is like a hole and during the day you wander around it and at night and when you are alone, you fall in it.
When I read what you wrote, it seems to me he didn’t value the relationship with you the way you did with him. And he violated your trust. He knew he wasn’t supposed to see women behind you back and did anyway. And even when confronted, instead of agreeing it was wrong not to tell you, he just blows up.
As you stated he has multiple exes so it seems like breaking up isn’t some new thing for him. And he was seeing some other woman. You have every right to be upset.
So, let me ask some questions…
You said part of you thinks the guy that made you interested in the first place is still there somewhere. Do you feel it was really there or it was just an act? He told you at least one thing that flat out wasn’t true. Do you think there were other things he wasn’t telling you? Did you fall for what you wanted him to be or what he really was?
Do you think he would ever apologize for his actions that lead to the no contact situation?
Let’s say he never apologized and you got back with him and he did the same thing again, would you still want a relationship with him at that point? Could you accept a relationship with someone where they were seeing other women behind your back?
Thanks for responding..I think it was genuine (the way he was in the first few months) but obviously people tend to show their best side as much as possible when their trying to pursue someone to be able to “get them” i get over time youre allowed to be comfortable with the person and show them all side of you i.e. you when youre angry, or annoyed or sad etc, but it went from good to overly comfortable to the point where he thought trying regularly wasnt needed.
I think it really does scare me that there could be other things i didnt know about which is heart breaking but i dont really think it would be a cheating situation, but obviously either way i dont know why he felt the need to do that.
I dont know if he will ever apologise for that.. I would literally dream that he would because thats how stubborn and prideful he is..
I dont necessarily think we’d get back together because he apologised, because wed broken up prior to that anyway.. This is something i found out 2 days after the break up which occured during the relationship. So my intention isnt to get back together at least not right now. I just wish he could see the wrong in his actions and consider my feelings. I’m following Kevin’s 5 steps and really doing alot of things instead of blowing up his phone or acting needy, i dont know if i havent given him enough time to come to his senses or if he ever will?? He really did want to breakup and now that we have he may be more happy than unhappy about it.. not sure cos we havent spoken since that fight even though we were meant to stay “friends”.
Ideally, if we ever did get back (which i would hope for at some point in the near/future) i would be making it very very clear that honesty and trust are essential and we should be able to communicate about anything openly even as friends during the relationship. I think we started off this way and as things began to progress negatively that aspect of our relationship got worse.. If he didnt want to compromise about this i’d have no choice but to walk away from the situation.
Also like you said about me mentioning he had many exes prior to that i think the main difference here that is significant in this situation is that i tried and kept going even after i saw his effort and “good boyfriend” ability decrease to try and save the relationship and those girls didnt. I was introduced to his family and those girls werent, like there were many things during the strange up and down course of the relationship that prove i was somewhat significant in comparison to the “other girls” but the way he spoke to me in that last argument about that “girl mate” really made me feel otherwise which is why im so hurt and not sure what to do or expect from here
It sounds like you are thinking about everything correctly. What you would really want is for him to apologize and come back to you.
So, what do you think you could do that would allow of the best chance of that happening? Would contacting him now make his realize what he lost? Or would it push him away? Do you think that contacting him has a better chance of working than not contacting him and letting him contact you when he realizes he misses you and wants to get back together?
This is my opinion… I’m guessing he will not apologize about anything unless he wants to get back together with you. You met his family and the relationship sounds like it went fine for a while so maybe at some point he will want a relationship again and maybe he won’t. He knows your position at this point and knows he can contact you if he wants to make amends.
In my opinion, if a relationship is going to work, he needs to want the relationship to work and needs to contact you at this point. I don’t think there is anything you can do right now that would help things move forward. You sound like you worked hard to try and make the relationship work and for whatever reason, he didn’t put in the effort. It takes two people to make a relationship work, one can’t do it on their own.
Yeah thats exactly right, i’ve tried for so long and tbh i havent felt like ive invested so much into someone before even in my previous relationships i finally got to a point where i was like i hope this is my last relationship and im gonna do whatever i have to to make it right. This unfortunately didnt really work out as i wouldve hoped and me pushing and trying so hard led to me lowering my standards and accepting poor treatment. Honestly, i would love if he apologised even if we didnt get back together because it would just show him recognising his wrongs and how i feel, but at this point i think hes so stubborn and his ego is so high he just wont do it… I think ill wait till the month is over before i think about contact.. I think when i initate contact it wont even be like hey how are you (acting as if nothing ever happened and im not still hurt) but rather bring up a memory as a question (which ive seen as advice in many relationship coach/expert videos) and just try to show that i have changed as a person in the sense that i am happy upbeat and bubbly again and not sad and loomy like i was towards the end of the relo.I’m also considering not messaging him for maybe two months in hope that he will message me first.. but im so unsure of what the outcome will be in that regard and it is somewhat worrying/upsetting as i like to feel at least some sense of certainty in a situation.
Even if the relationship isnt going to be fixed anytime soon at least an apology would definitely make me feel better about a friendship, so im not really sure where his head is at because ultimately some people may feel bad and never tell you or they may not feel bad at all.. 🙁
Do you think there is anything else i can do to increase my chances of him contacting me or showing I’ve changed and im not a sad dependent person anymore?? (Even then he may not want to get back but at least he will see he is potentially missing out on a good person/good time) I go out more, i take more pictures like i used to and look nice and im working out more, he wouldnt really know about my new job or that i want to do yoga or anything else because we havent had a conversation but from the outside view i would look somewhat good or okay?
In my opinion, I don’t think there’s anything else you can do. You’ve done more than enough. And, honestly, I don’t see you as a sad, dependent person. It sounds like you were just doing whatever you could to make the relationship work and he didn’t do the same. I think it is is up to him to realize what he lost at this point.
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