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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #72776

    M
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 8

    Brief summary, started as an affair, we fell in love, he left the wife, then went back to her to “help her understand the marriage was over”, 3 times. Every time I got pushed aside as he needed to be “be alone”, and then he would be with her again, saying he was there to hold her hand through this, while writing to me. I know, *eyeroll*
    Left him the third time, he was back with the wife as she has no one else to support her apparently, I went No Contact, and she has finally left, for the 4th time, last week.
    I agreed to see him next week, but when he messages he is confusing, he says we have only one shot, he is scared, he feels it’s too soon, but he thinks about me all the time etc.
    They haven’t even started divorcing yet, should I still see him to talk next week? Would it make him want me more? Or should I say he isn’t ready and give him a couple of months? We haven’t seen each other since beginning of December.

    #72779

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2060

    @m – It seems he’s stringing you along! How long ago did the affair start and why did you become involved with a married man? Does he have children? I don’t see the point in meeting up with him. Talking hasn’t changed anything. You should wait until he’s legally divorced and then get in touch with each other again to talk. If he’s actually given up on his marriage and serious about you, he will apply for a divorce. Otherwise, you’ll continue to be just a mistress. The ethical thing to do is to stop all contact with him and try to find your morals and dignity.

    #72781

    M
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 8

    I didn’t want to get involved with a married man, it goes against my morals, but we became friends and as much as I tried to fight it we fell in love, it lasted 3 months, then he told his wife, then back and forth till November when she left and we got back together, till December when he said he needed to be alone and then re-imbarked with her till last week. No children. He says I have been the one he wants to be with and always was, but the wife had a meltdown and has no friends or family so only he could help her through the accepting that it is over. Sounded possible the first two times, is third time a charm or is he just another confused coward not wanting to be alone..
    I don’t know, things were so wonderful when we were together, but I have told now I can’t trust him and I don’t feel like he is making any efforts to move forward. Then again it’s hardly been 2 weeks

    #72782

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2060

    @m – How is it that you “became friends”? If you weren’t neighbors or working together, you made a conscious decision to continue seeing him. When exactly did the affair start? 3 months and then back and forth until November doesn’t tell how long he’s been cheating on his wife. How long have they been married?

    Telling you he went back because she had no one (no friends or family) to support her sounds suspicious. There must have been someone unless she’s living on a deserted island. Telling you you’re the one he wants to be with and that he thinks about you all the time, is just talk and talk is cheap if it’s not backed up with action.

    You said you haven’t seen him since the beginning of December, but your last comment was “it’s barely been 2 weeks”. I’m assuming you’ve been communicating by phone, text, or email since December and the last conversation was 2 weeks ago when you told him you can’t trust him. And I would assume you meant you can’t trust what he says and can’t trust that he wants to get a divorce or will start proceedings as he hasn’t applied for one during all this time.

    To me it sounds like he’s confused as to whether he really wants to end his marriage. Perhaps the times he went back to her, he was trying to make amends. And maybe you’ll never know the truth.

    #72783

    M
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 8

    you are absolutely right, I will never know the truth. They were married 4 years, living in two different countries for 2 of those years, and a year ago he had a couple of one night stands while drunk and then felt terrible about it and tried to work on his marriage (he didn’t tell the wife). Met me beginning of summer, we have the same group of friends and hang out at the same bar, pursued me from the start but I told him I wasn’t interested in a married man, but we’d talk a lot, run into each other often and spoke for hours, until I went on holiday and we realised we couldn’t spend a day without messaging for hours, so we gave in when i got back. 3 months of bliss, of him saying he had never felt so complete and happy, and alternatively guilting over the wife. When I left again for a month i told him to make a decision and when i got back he had left her. Drama and back and forth ensued till I left him beginning of December, broke off al contact for a month, ignored his messages, and when I did answer after a month was to tell him he was a liar and a coward and a cheater and i didn’t want anything to do with him ever again, he answered that we are meant to be together whether I want it or not, and to give him a month to sort things, a month later he messages to say she left for good, that was almost 2 weeks ago. So it’s barely been 2 weeks that he is “separated”. I don’t know how they ended it, if it was amicable or not, I don’t know anything.
    I am seeing him tonight, first time in almost 3 months. To talk. I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore, I would like him for once to prove that he is ready to move forward, to file for divorce, but you are right, until he actually does I’ll never know for sure, so I don’t have a choice but to wait and see and not take him back until then.

    #72784

    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2060

    @m – I hope you post again after the meetup to let us know about the conversation. I’m sorry, I know this must be very difficult for you and his poor wife.

    #72785

    M
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 8

    Yes I will. I feel bad for her as well because had he been honest from the start he would have spared both of us a lot of pain . The mistake we both made was falling in love for the same man, even if their marriage was slowly disintegrating she did not deserve to know he had been unfaithful, and I didn’t deserve to be strung along, reeled back in, pushed away, and pulled back in again, all because he didn’t have the courage to do the right thing by her and by me from the start.
    I would have slammed the door and never looked back in December, but I had truly believed we were soulmates, that niggling feeling is still there under all my anger and distrust, I had never felt like that for anyone before, we are perfectly suited for each other in every way, without all this mess…
    He has said it a million times too, that we are meant to be together, that he has never felt that way, and that he wants to marry me, have children with me etc. I know, it sounds exactly like all the other cheating married men… But he did leave her (3 times), and he had told her the first time that he had fallen in love for me and couldn’t stay away. She knows about me and suspects he is in contact with me, but he denies as he wants her to accept the marriage was ending regardless of me. Anyway. We’ll see.

    #72932

    mr_the_ex
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 12

    My 2 cents… to be taken with a grain of salt. If he has gone back to her 3 times, he’ll just keep going back. And after 3 times, you won’t be able to trust him not to go back. He ruined his chance. And as you’ve said, you aren’t sure how you feel about him anyway. I’m guessing if he did completely leave his wife, you might not even want him around. And like you, I put all the blame on him. He is the one who had the relationship with his wife, not you. And it didn’t sound like that relationship was even close to perfect given what you’ve said (long distance, other affairs, etc.). He sounds like someone who can’t manage his life relationships properly.

    #72942

    M
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 8

    I agree with you,I am so not impressed with his behaviour, I don’t believe he will ever be able to get her out of his life, even if just because of the guilt, and I doubt she’ll ever move on herself. I wouldn’t be able to trust him. So for now I am just going to carry on with my life and hopefully I will meet someone SINGLE, and honest, that is more deserving of my love and affection.
    If months down the line he does divorce and stops being in touch with her, we’ll see, but I don’t think it’ll happen anytime soon so I do hope that by then my life will have changed and I will be in a loving relationship with a wonderful man.

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