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Posts
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@Finntoga-what do you want to bet that Brokenhearted will bombard the guy with messages and he will continue to ignore or send her hmmm, ok, cool messages? I kind of get the impression that her ex is seeing her more as a stalker than a woman he is looking forward to dating. Things just do not add up in this story.
@Dragongirl I don’t need to bet we both know what will happen and sorry to say. I think you are right about the two personalities and that things do not add up here. I mean look at what Brokenhearted told us before last two days that what the conversations were like and how she was obsessing about lack of messages or content of them and now suddenly they have had all these in depth conversations where some of the parts are like the convos she told they had before this break so I am not even sure now what has happened now and what before. To me if guy flat out refuses to meet a girl and calls her creepy and then still kind of some level continuing contact because he obviously gets some kind of kicks of the fact that she is so into him is pretty nasty and shows his character well because he does throw her a bone but does not follow up and that is messing with persons head. She is in denial and I am not sure if this is her way to find a coping mechanism by holding onto this guy and the love they had as some beacon of ideal relationship. One thing for sure this is such a car crash of a relationship that it has no chances of survival because they are not a good match and they lack any relationship skills needed. I also dont get this part that she had spent a day with the new guy and it was so great I mean she has been panicking about him asking her out so no things do not add up at all. It is really sad to see this happening to someone who has the possibility to be balanced and happy but she will excuse anything he does or what she does as well. Look at it couple of posting yesterday I will do the nc and I can blaah blaah and next thing I wont initiate contact and will respond only with couple messages if he sends something. That is no nc and as she cannot control herself at all which she has repeatedly shown to us so it will be bombardment until he gets fed up and threatens police and it is back to that cycle until he meets someone he likes. But you know the way I see is that she came here for help, support and truth and she has chosen to go with the illusion and obsession there is nothing we can do to stop that no matter how many of us tries to tell that and in different ways she just sees it as we are mean and ganging up on her and gets her to believe more into this fantasy of a guy who clearly no longer if ever existed so she needs to go her own way. Just very sad situation.
@Finntoga, yes I completely agree with you. And those are my thoughts exactly about the new guy. She was very defensive in her last posts and was trying to prove that he loved her but was using examples from her past because she is so desperate. Its her desperation that is driving her obsession. I wish she had listened to us. It seems she has very little impulse control and will continue her obsessive behavior. I also believe if she had distanced herself from this pathetic excuse of a man she could have created an awesome life. Right now it seems like she is heading into a brick wall at 500 miles per hour and the devastating crash is inevitable. I honestly cant believe she sent him crying vids..Ive never seen desperation at that level. This guy is clearly just playing with her emotions and not giving a shit about her. I think she tells herself that he loves her and is so obsessed her life revolves around him. I dont know any guy that would treat a gf like that. So in her mind they are back together when the actual truth is this guy sends one word messages and could care less about her. Its so frustrating to me that we couldnt get her to see her self worth.
I know what you mean it frustrates me too because I felt one point we were getting somewhere and she could have made the turn but sometimes people are their own worst enemy and if one does not take responsibility of their own actions as she clearly is not doing at the moment. She talks the talk but does not walk the walk and then excuses it with either something he did or with the past or eating disorder or mental health issues etc. But those are things that she can work on. We gave it our best shot but you cannot help a person who refuses the help so I just hope when the reality hits and some point it will that she finds a way to get through it. I agree about the vids with you completely.
Yes you nailed it yet again. I notice she uses his anger issues as a way of excusing his behavior. She hasn’t stopped to realize that he’s not talking to her not because of his anger issues but because he doesn’t have much interest in getting back together. This guy sounds like he’s emotionally detaching because that’s how guys act when they are in that stage. He’s a young mexican guy-of course he’s going to talk to other girls to get him through this breakup. If he’s into communicating online, then you know he has other accounts on other websites so he can chat with other girls. She thinks that he tells her everything when I am sure he has done a lot of things that she doesn’t know about. She has him up on a pedestal and he maintains God status in her eyes. And instead of focusing on herself and ways she can improve herself, she is just staring at the screen creepily stalking facebook or snapchat. What do you want to bet that she already added Snapchat again just because she has an obsessive need to check up on him? She is definitely not capable of keeping NC without our influence guiding her. It’s interesting how she reads our posts and chooses only things that reflect her point of view of this mess. Totally skipping over the important parts! Ugh so frustrating. I hope she figures it out before she is completely emotionally broken.
No need to bet, of course she did it. I have to say though that for a moment she held on there and then she gave herself permission to start breaking nc so it was just waiting to happen. She has from the start refused to accept the reality and this moment and rather lives on past and because he came back after the first break of course he comes after second but she does not get it is not the same thing. Such a shame I hate to see someone continue in such destructive path when she had the support here and therapist, friends so she was not alone, if she would have just waited little bit more she would have turned the corner but nope. She will crash this one and sadly I have feeling that it will take a long time before it really sinks in that he is a douche. And if something is that dysfunctional , I mean if it was her friend she would have said the same things but nope obsession is blind. But I hope she will be okay and I wish her only the best.
Well least we tried and I have to say I pretty much agree with the advice you give to people here. I know some cannot handle it but truth is always better than feeding a fantasy for someone and it is up to those people to either use the advice or not. It has been a pleasure reading some of your comments because it was like you were reading my mind and articulating what I wanted to say so much better.Thank you for the kind comments! I am also a fan of yours because you intertwine brilliant insights with great honest advice. Unlike others, I do not like giving false hope. I notice a lot of people here say things like “fight for your ex, “positive thinking is all you need to get your ex back” and “don’t give up” instead of encouraging the person to shift the focus to themselves.
Brokenhearted is not the only person obsessed with an ex on these boards. She was lucky that she had us and we are the equivalent of 2 life/relationship gurus. I know if she had listened to us that she would have continued building confidence and would have cut the idiot out of her life. But sadly obsession is an addiction so like you said we can only do so much. She could have grown by leaps and bounds and gone in a positive direction but instead chose to stay stuck in the past on a path that leads to nowhere.The other thing that worries me is that once reality hits and she can’t handle it mentally what will she do? I have seen girls obsessed like this and unfortunately some decide to commit suicide because they lose the will to live when the guy does not give them what they want. I strongly feel that no relationship is worth sacrificing the gift that is life. But Brokenhearted seems like she is spiraling deeper and deeper into a hole and I just hope she is strong enough to face the outcome.
I am the same.I dont like giving people false hope either especially when they are emotionally in a place where they should just concentrate on getting through the days and finding things for themselves. If I say to someone there is a chance I only say if I think there could be but it is usually stipulated by the factors that have to fall into place for that to happen. I have not seen that many in here where I genuinely believe there is a chance of getting back together and it amazes me that usually those who have had the most dysfunctional relationship are the most desperate to get back. I mean I get it is hard after a breakup, my heart still believes that me and my ex belong together and my heart aches for him and feels like piece of me is missing but then again he did not treat me mean he lied to me twice and sent me one awful email after breakup but other than that there were no arguments nor nasty things or words said between us so I guess that makes it harder for me because if there would have been torrid arguments, cheating, nasty name calling I would have said good riddance because you gotta respect yourself if you want respect from someone else. Despite wanting my ex, I am not spending my time thinking about and obsessing since I cannot change the situation between us because he obviously does not want me the same way. I am trusting that in time my heart will get to the same program that my head is in and if it doesnt well it changes nothing in my view life goes on and it is as good for me as I make it. And I have to say if you ask me right now what I feel I am happy. Why? Because I dont spend my time going in my head what I dont have, I spent my time being happy with what I do have and going after things I have wanted to do or try. And being grateful of it because things could always be worse way worse so why spent this time being and other things is forgiving yourself and the those who cause you hurt. And that is the space I had hoped we could get Brokenhearted to and I did genuinely think we could .She was heading to that place but somehow something triggered this situation back and she is now almost exactly at the start of where she was when she sent those 50 something mails in one day. My fear for her is also that when the crash comes and you know it will because he may play with her this getbacktogether game for a while and if she does not care about herself as much or preferably more than she cares of herself than oh dear that situation is not good in any way. People make their own choices good or bad and how they deal with those is something we cannot impact.We can give advice but it is up to them.
I had the exact same high hopes for Brokenhearted-but she began to slip away once she felt she wasn’t in control of the situation. So she obsessively messaged him and let her impulses take over. I feel she is also back at square one and I don’t see any good outcome in this scenerio. I agree with you that he is playing a game with her and toying with her emotions like a dog on a leash and she obediently plays along. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It’s awesome that you have such a healthy outlook on your situation. I hope that you find an extremely intelligent guy that can handle an enlightened girl!! I love the way that you think and you rock at giving advice to others!!
As for people on these boards, yes I noticed the same thing. People that did a lot of damage to their relationship are now searching how to get their ex back. And I’m thinking “Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would return to that hell?” It’s unbelievable! I can’t stand people that give bad advice. You just know that following their bad advice is going to lead to more pain and suffering and that’s not fair. And someone in the clutches of a bad breakup can’t see that it’s the worst advice. I ran into posts where Nora gave such shitty advice I cringed and it pissed me off. I don’t think that she should be advising people blindly and that is exactly what she is doing. I’ve thought about creating a relationship site like this because I know I could help a lot of people but I just don’t have time because I have so many clients. I got lucky this weekend because it’s Memorial Day weekend here in the states so I had more time than usual to help!
Dragongirl and Finntoga, would you mind looking at some of my most recent posts? I feel like I really messed up and on top of that, you’re now making me worry that I’m just like Brokenhearted and I’m totally delusional. I’d appreciate some insight either way.
@Dragongirl I am slowly stopping to coming here simply due to time constraints and I think I have done all I can for people I am not as well equipped to advice folks like you are.I just wanted to say that it has been pleasure to reading your and especially to get to read more about the twin soul concept that I fully do believe in after my own experience but life beckons me to do other things and I wish you amazing things in this life. All the best.
@Brokenhearted please take care of yourself first and foremost and remember no guy is worth yourself value and respect. All the best.
Hey Finntoga, Thank you so much for your comments-I also enjoyed reading your posts! It has been truly delightful to get a sense of your personality and the strength that you have. I would have loved to discuss more about twinsouls with you! I have learned so much over the years,I am in the process of writing a book about it. I wish you endless love and happiness with a guy who puts you above anyone else and honestly appreciates all the beauty that you hold within your amazing spirit. Continue to pass on the things that you have learned in your lifetime to help make the life paths of other people easier because you have a brilliant mind. I am so glad my path crossed with yours!! I have a personal e-mail that you can email me at if you like. It is [removed]. Apologies for not replying sooner..work has been so busy!
Hi Dragongirl,
Sharing personal information is not allowed on the boards. If anyone wants to get in touch with you, tell them to contact me and I’ll send them your email address.
Hi guys, I took a long break from this blog and did some serious work on myself
@dragongirl @finntoga this message is for you. I didn’t really read all the comments I missed bc I don’t want to trigger anything.Anyway, I began seeing a new psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with OCD. I am now on a new medication that helps treat that and it has helped a lot.
As far as my ex goes, a lot has gone on with that. I can tell you both more but I would prefer like directly to an email or something because you are the two I most trust.
Anyway, we needed more time than that month… two months ago I thought we had had enough time apart. I was wrong.
I finally saw him yesterday. We had even taken more time apart not really communicating.
It went really well. He had said he was coming over and of course I was getting anxious because of my trust issues and I decided I would NOT obsessively contact him or blow up his phone.
And guess what! It worked! He came over and it was good. We talked about our jobs and how things were going. I asked about things I had not been sure about because of those two girls posting crap about me and he and I talked about that. ONe of the girls who is apparently a friend of his sister knew I was looking at her stuff and posted crap just to instigate me, and yesterday he calmly answered me about that whole situation and I was shocked bc before he would have shut down. They are baby steps and the best communicating we have had in a while. He also spoke to me about his coworker and the things there. We talked about and caught up on other stuff as well.
Since I saw him I have only sent one picture on snapchat and then a comment about the picture. And that’s been it 🙂 I’m trying my best to be calm and control my anxiety. Getting diagnosed with OCD was kind of freeing, aactually.
Also to the people that said I have so many issues, etc etc and that he deserves better than me.. etc etc. I believe you need to be educated on mental health. He and I both have our issues and finally are working on them. It is not fair to just say because someone struggles with certain issues that the guy they love and have been best friends with for 3 year deserves better.
Anyway, while I still am not perfect, I remind myself that no one is perfect. My boyfriend and I are back together as of yesterday and I’m calmly waiting to break my needy persona I used to have and not let my OCD control me. I’m excited for what the future holds for us.
@dragongirl and @finntoga I would love to keep talking to both of you. this site kind of sparks my anxiety which is why I took a break. It fueled my OCD. So I may not be on here too much and at the same time, I would love to give you both updates.
@dragongirl I’m sorry you felt like this is one of the saddest stories you’ve come across. And I am happy that now steps are being taking in the right direction and improving our communication, us talking out issues and not shoving them under the rug, him staying calm. All good things. It took 3.5 months though… and after 1 I thought we were ready but boy, was I wrong. This has been a long process of self growth as well.
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