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  • #72066

    Mikes
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    Hey guys,

    Thanks for reading my thread. So, I’m looking for advice and feedback on getting my ex back. I’ll give you the backstory. I’m 38 and she is 32. We dated for a month and then made it official and then she ended it after another month. So two months total time together. We spent a lot of time together seeing each other at least 4-5times a week for dinner,drinks and hanging out. We were building what I thought was the solid groundwork for a great relationship. We would have tons of fun together go places and do things. Always had great conversations and were very transparent with each other and about our expectations of each other also our wants and needs. I started to develop these feelings for her that I have never felt for any of my exes. At this point of my life I would totally see this relationship going the distance and possibly leading to marriage. Which being 38 hasn’t really been on my to do list before.

    Everything was going great we were becoming a lot closer. Texting during the day at work off and on and a lot more after work then phone calls lasting a 2-4 hours at night if we weren’t together. She made me extremely happy and I was trying to do my best to reciprocate. So we planned a New Years trip. It was a 5day 4night trip. The first few days were amazing we went out and did things had a lot of fun great sex and really enjoyed each others company. The last two days I noticed she was acting different. It was like she was withdrawn. So we get back from the trip and we had spent so much time together I dropped her off she gave me a hug. I texted her once that night cause I wanted to give her space. The next day I texted her but she was busy with work and I didn’t hear from her til later on that day. Me thinking things were ok still I went and changed my profile pic on fb to a pic we took. (She had been asking me to do it and I told her I wanted to get some good pics on the trip to choose from) so I go and change it and sent her a text and said… remember I told you I was going to change my profile pic? And sent the pic. I received a text back that said the words no one wants to hear… We need to talk. Oh crap I thought here it comes. So later that night we get on the phone and start the dreaded talk. She tells me that I have done nothing wrong at all and all I have been is amazing and she couldn’t have asked for anything better. Mind you… we have never had one fight no arguments nothing! We have always gotten along and have been nothing but lovey dovey with each other. Where is this all coming from I thought to myself??

    She tells me she feels like she lost the connection with me and doesn’t feel the same way towards me anymore. I’m left feeling lost and upset. I really want to text her but I’m afraid to cause it’s only been a week. I didn’t beg her to change her mind. I did ask her why don’t we try to work this out but she’s a therapist and she said she had thought about it for a day and didn’t think it was a good idea to drag it out and have me hurt more if she was feeling this way. So I miss her like crazy I’m left feeling lost,a little depressed and upset about the whole thing. I want to get her back cause I really feel that she is the one I could see having a strong amazing relationship with and eventually if all goes well marrying her. It’s been 6days since we broke up and I haven’t contacted her and she hasn’t contacted me. My question is being how everything has been so great and there is not one drop of bad blood between us.. how long should I wait before I contact her? I’ve had a few friends (married couples and friends) tell me to wait a week or 10 days and send her a text. Should I wait for her to contact me first? I really don’t want this to go on to long without contacting her. She means the world to me. Do you think she is feeling as bad as I am about this?

    I appreciate any and all comments,advice and help I can get.
    Thanks again for reading.
    Mike

    #72074

    amcee
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 232

    Hi Mike,

    From your story it is difficult to tell what could have made her take this decision. Was she coming from a recent break up (in the last one year or so)? Any responsibilities (parents, kids, etc?)

    To answer your question, you may try contacting after another week or so and gauge from her response if she feels the same way or you can try to get her back. She is 32 so it is an adult decision and 2 months is not a long enough time where she might have felt invested emotionally.

    #72078

    Mikes
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    She had broken up with her ex around 6-7months ago. I had broken up with my ex 2months before I met her. She has a very demanding job. She is the type of person who loves her job and puts a 100%into it. It’s very stressful for her. I always understood that and never made her feel like it was taking away with us because we were always together or talking anyway. She has no kids and has never been married. I am the same. We just had so much in common and got along so well I just don’t understand what could have changed in her mind to make her break up with me. She said I was amazing and perfect and I haven’t done anything wrong.

    I understand 2months isn’t a huge amount of time to really invest in a relationship, but I feel like I was falling in love with her and it really threw me for a loop when she totally clamed up and decided she didn’t have the same feelings for me. I mean we never had a fight, argued about anything. Always great conversations, we would do little sweet things for each other always want to be around each other. It just sucks lol
    Thanks for your reply! Anything helps

    I was going to contact her this week but I’m not sure if I should wait in hopes she contacts me or just send a friendly text to see how she’s doing?

    #72080

    amcee
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 232

    I dont know how long did her last relationship last (it helps in understanding if she moved on from it or not), how intense was it, is this a pattern, is she averse to commitment , has her ex come back in her life in some way unknown to you, is her ex married/dating, etc

    But from an outsider’s perspective it surely looks like you need to give her that space. If she also felt as comfortable as you have described here then may be she might reconsider her decision.

    It is quite possible that either has ex has returned in her life in someway or she might still have residual feelings which are interfering in her head. Professional life stress everyone has and sometimes it does play a role in break ups but it cannot be this bad considering you guys never had a fight.

    Wait it out for a couple of more days and may be just send a friendly hi. Thereafter if the conversation still remains platonic then cut the conversation short before she goes on the back foot.

    #72091

    Mikes
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    Hi Amcee,

    Her last relationship she said was a year and a half. I’m not exactly sure how intense it was. I do know she told me it didn’t end well at all. Apparently her ex was on a trip with her family and they got into an argument that night in bed and he kept pulling her and her sister was there and got mad and came over and smacked him on the back and was yelling st him for touching her and the guy freaked out and called the cops and wound up getting her sister and him arrested. Which understandably made some problems between my ex and her sister they didn’t talk for a couple months and a restraining order was put on him and she hasn’t spoken to him since. I don’t think her ex has come back into her life. I don’t think she is adverse to commitment either.

    Yea I think she needs her space too in my opinion. Maybe we just spent way too much time together too and she felt things were moving too quickly for her and she backed off. It seemed like she was as comfortable as me she was always asking to see me and I would always ask her so it was mutual. I hope this time away from each other will help bring us back together. I don’t want to throw this away it was really seemed like we had great potential together and the relationship would have lasted a long time.

    I don’t know if the ex has returned in her life but I kinda don’t think so,however maybe she does have risidual feelings left over for him that were interfering in her head. Yes I agree I don’t think it has anything to do with stress and her job, but maybe it was not so much stress just hindering her being able to give a 100% to her job. Cause she is a director of a healthcare facility and before that she was a therapist. So overthinking and over analyzing things is in her nature. But we never fought or argued about anything.

    Yes I agree,I was actually planning on texting her today, but now I may wait another couple days like you said or I’m going to wait til next tues. just to give her more space and let her think about things and wonder about me and why I am not calling. So should I just send something like… Hi how are you I wanted to see how you were doing? She’s on a business trip this week and could ask about that also. So just keep this conversation shot and sweet and then build off that? And end it quick if goes platonic? I almost don’t want to bring anything up and just have regular small talk with her just to get her comfortable again. What do you think? Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it!

    #72100

    amcee
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 232

    Yea may be just a simple ‘hi, how are you?’ should do. Dont ask anything more cos you also need to make sure she still thinks about you and wants to consider getting back. Which means she also has to initiate talking. If you feel at any point she again put her guard up then end the conversation right there giving some excuse of work, meeting someone etc.

    #72103

    Mikes
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    Ok, I can do that. So just a simple one line text to see if she is willing to engage and ask me how I am? Should I include anything else I was thinking of saying I hope you have a safe trip for work. How will I know if she’s thinking about me or wants to consider getting back together If I don’t try to engage her in a convo? Or should I just keep it simple and try to build on that for the next text? Ideally I’d like her to reach out and text me since she was the one to end the relationship

    #72115

    amcee
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 232

    If you want her to initiate the convo then remain NC till she doesnt approach you.

    Else, a simple ‘hi, have a safe work trip’ is enough. She might just reply with a simple ‘thanks’ and that should be it from your end unless she initiates further talks.

    #72153

    Mikes
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 10

    Ok I’ll give it a shot and give her a text later this week. I’m sure she will reply it’s just how much she will say. I’m sure I’ll get a fairly quick response since we haven’t talked in a while. But I won’t push for further conversation if she doesn’t

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