Is it TOO late? (REALLY Long post)

Hi. I need some help. I need advice on moving forward or if there’s any hope. I’ve found myself very depressed and sad, and unable to decide on where to proceed.
I guess I’ll start off by sharing my story.
My ex and I are in college together and we met in high school. We shared friends and we did everything together. We dated for 3 years and 7 months. I no longer trust myself to make proper decisions moving forward, so that is why Im posting here. I’m pretty desperate.

My ex is in a fraternity on campus and he is very happy with it. Our relationship has not always been perfect but we always had a consistent love and care for each other, as well as chemistry. I believe our problems truly started years ago, my ‘best friend’ M, is dating my ex’s best friend C. M and C have been together as long as we have and the four of us went to college together. We always compared our relationships, but everyone always knew my ex and I had the stronger relationship. M was always jealous and not a true friend, I feel like she never truly wanted happiness for me. She was the one who encouraged me to end things with my ex when I did, and foolishly, I listened to her.
My ex had a very interesting relationship with his father. His father always made him feel badly about himself and his parents were very religious, and did not want their son in such a serious relationship so young. They never bought him new clothes or proper school supplies, and I always bought him that stuff whenever I could. They never bought him a car, which was a big insecurity for him, and when mine did, he was very very jealous. I also have a bad relationship with my father, and my ex was always very supportive of me and listened to me when I needed to vent. My parents are technically separated but still have to live together, which causes tension in the household. My mother talks down upon my father, and I feel like I took that as the right way to treat my ex when things went south. I started to hold things like the car over his head, it was a huge argument whenever I needed gas money or when he would need rides everywhere. As recently as February, that’s when our relationship really went downhill. We both had terrible schedules and difficult classes. He was failing 2 of his and would take his sadness out on me, and I would do the same to him. I felt like he wasn’t putting school as his priority, and when I would call him out on that, he would get so angry. Our mutual male friend, D, and I got very close. D is pretty metrosexual but my ex was always jealous of the friendship I had with him. We would fight often about how often I would spend time with him. He had nothing to be nervous about, as I was very faithful to him. We would get in such terrible arguments. I was not going to give up my one friendship with my one male friend. My ex was very picky about what parties I went to because he didn’t trust guys in other fraternities, so I isolated myself to my ex and his friends. I think the beginning of the end was when I left him in our hometown after a huge argument. He had other friends in town to give him a ride back to school, but he refused to ride with them. I was very cruel and I made his parents drive him up, (3 hours there and 3 hours back) telling him I hated him. He threatened to break up with me if I left, and I left anyways. I didn’t realize the consequences of my actions and how stupid I was being. Of course, now, when it’s probably too late, I realize them. He was so devastated he had read his mother the texts, and she no longer approved of me after that. I never actually apologized because I was so hard-headed about it. I regret that a lot. We started to move forward, but we continued to fight all the time after that. The final straw was when I went on his phone while he was sleeping and I found messages from his mother talking badly about me. I sent them to myself, stupidly, and he was so angry after that. I saw no end to our fighting and our resentment of each other so I ended things with him very abruptly. He cried in my car, begging me not to. But I was stubborn and I wouldn’t change my mind.

He was still very hurt after, and he still wanted to hang out and talk to me. He told me he would seek counseling for his sadness and wanted to prove to me he was worth it. I wasn’t even myself. I didn’t try very hard to think of his feelings. I showed up to one of his frat parties and I cried because I was so sad, realizing my mistakes. He was annoyed that I was crying and didn’t even try to comfort me, because D was comforting me. That’s when I wanted to get back together, and that’s when he realized he didn’t. I tried so hard to talk him into it, but he told me he loved me but ‘didn’t want to go back to that relationship.’ I should’ve given him space but it was so hard. We kept fighting about things like meeting up, or me hanging with D still, and that really made things worse. I tried to give him back the promise ring, and he told me he ‘didn’t want to believe it was really over.’ He told me he wanted to work on himself that summer, and wasn’t interested in moving on or being with other girls. He helped me load up my apartment into my car for summer, and that was that. I thought we were going to work on us over summer, because that’s what we decided. I went on vacation to Paris for a few weeks. While I was there, I found out he was messaging one of my girlfriends and I found out he slept with someone else.. 4 days after helping me move out. I called him out on it and I bashed him, saying terribly nasty things when he tried to apologize and told me it was a drunken mistake. I realized how cruel I was and how much I loved him and wanted to fix things the next day, and he told me he realized that we both needed to move on from each other, that it was too toxic and too broken to fix. I told him to think about it while I was gone, he would tell me he loved me but he didn’t want the relationship, like before. I didn’t talked to him for about a week and a half until I got back home. We met up for coffee, and he told me how sorry he was for sleeping with someone else, and that he regretted it. He didn’t want to be that person. But he still didn’t see a way for us to be together. He told me that he wasn’t against us every again in the future.. but he wanted space. I tried to give him that space, but I heard he was still messaging my friend and I got so jealous.

We slept together twice a few days after we met up.. and I thought we might fix things after all. But since I was so jealous, I drunkedly made out with one of his best friends at a party, A. A and I agreed to never speak of it again, but we continued to hang out, me trying to make my ex jealous. After that, I was so upset at myself I texted my ex and told him that if he didn’t stop talking to other girls and following them on social media, then I was done. He was furious and called me immature, not caring. He could tell something changed in me, and he assumed something happened between A and I. I was so upset, but then I apologized later for acting out, telling him how sad I was and how isolated I felt after the breakup. I explained all of my feelings and how sorry I was for the way I treated him after the break up and before. I expected him to forgive me and want to move on and be with me. Instead he responded very kindly, apologizing for making me so sad, but he told me he still didn’t think we would work out. He wanted to remain friends, though. I was in such a low place. My mom was getting sick and I stopped eating. I actually physically hurt myself when I read that message because I was so sad and angry at myself. I tried to call him the next day, and he told me that he couldn’t talk. I told him I was hurting myself and I needed to move on and let him go. He accused me of lying, but realized how rude that was. He told me that he was so sorry and how many people loved me and cared for me, and why my life was so great and worth living. He tried and no matter what, I continued to say I wanted to die, dramatic stuff, etc. I told him that I loved him and I couldn’t stand seeing him turn into the frat jerk he was on the road to becoming, and he promised me that he wouldn’t. We ended our contact. I tried to continue planning my summer with a trip back to school for the 4th of July. I heard that he was going to be there, and I reached out to him, maybe a week after that big dramatic ending. I told him that I was doing much better and would be okay seeing him if he was okay with seeing me. We made plans to see each other at the end of the week, his idea, 3 days before the big group trip with our mutual friends. We met up casually at the park by his house. I mentioned that I was going to a party later that evening with A and some friends, which immediately set him off. He left me alone at the park and drove off. I was so upset and I called him, apologizing for saying what I did, and told him how hurt it made me that he could just leave me. Things escalated again and he hung up on me after I yelled at him. I spammed his phone with texts, even threatening to show up at his house if he ignored me. He kept ignoring me. The next day I apologized over text, asked to meet up before the trip, and he refused and said things were okay. I saw him a few days later with all of our friends for the 4th. I was very drunk and wanted to make him jealous by flirting with his friends, which made him angry. I tried to discuss our relationship, and once again, things escalated out of control. I followed him back to his apartment, drunk and crying, when he wanted me to leave him alone, and I even pushed him around. He left on the floor crying after calling one of my girlfriends to come get me. I called his phone so many times and after I sobered up, I sent him a message saying that I was done and that I deserved someone who didn’t treat me so poorly. I blocked him on everything and I didn’t hear from him again.

A few days later, I apologized for ruining his trip, (he refused to do anything with anyone the next day), and I told him I couldn’t live with myself if we were on bad terms. It was quite a long message, and he only replied by saying ‘There are no hard feelings and I will never hate you, I don’t want to talk about it.’ We both decided we needed time before we could be friends and to give each other space. I tried NC. I didn’t go to parties I was invited to if he was going to be there. I tried to just give him the space he wanted and I didn’t reach out to him. That lasted about a week. A week after our ‘let’s give each other space’ talk, someone told him about the kiss between me and his friend A. He was so angry, posting about it on social media, telling all of the guys in their friend group. All of the guys no longer talk to A and he is completely isolated from them. He texted A about it, telling him he no longer wanted to speak to him. I texted my ex and asked him to not cause me any drama and to leave it alone, and I told him how sorry I was. No response from my ex. I heard that he followed 150 girls on his Instagram. A few days later I decided to go back up to school early, to get away from my hometown drama. I texted my ex and told him I wanted to have a mature conversation with him before I left. No response. I was planning on going back to school and not looking back. I wanted to move on and be happy. However, everything changed when my mother had a heart attack.

My mother had been sick and had heart pains all summer, but she is a strong woman and never faltered. When she had her heart attack, we discovered via blood tests that she also had blood cancer. I was devastated, as the doctors said it was probably in the later stages. I was so upset I reached out to my ex, who was very close with my family, and I told him how sad I was. It must’ve been so uncomfortable for him, but he told me he was very sorry to hear that and he loved my family. He said he was there for me if I needed anything. I told him that I needed closure with him and that that would help me along. He was on vacation when this conversation happened and wouldn’t be home before I left to school. We decided to meet up in a few weeks when we were both back at school. When I moved back, I reached out a few times, and every time I felt the conversation was going well, he would bring up the kiss between A and I. He told me he felt worthless. He was still quite hurt and angry at me at this time. I asked him if he had moved on yet, and he said not yet, but he was trying to. He didn’t check in and make sure my mom was doing alright (she was.) I was getting desperate for any type of comfort because of how sad I was. I continued to blow up his phone when I would drink, and he ignored me. I was so lonely at school that I knew I needed to come back home. When I was home, I messaged him a long message that was mature, and asked him to meet up. He said that he wanted to meet up as well, and agreed to get coffee with me.

Just 6 days ago, we met up for coffee. It went well, no tears, unless I was discussing my mother’s cancer. We talked about positive things, like the vacation he just went on, and the drama he was experiencing with his roomies (he’s living in the frat house this year.) I told him some positive news about my school life and that I was looking for a job on campus. He was happy for me. I brought up the A drama. I apologized and explained why I did it. And he forgave me, told me that he was more angry at A and he never wanted to talk to him again. I told him that I still loved him and was very confused with what to do. He told me he wanted me to focus on myself and not on him. I told him I was trying to but it was hard, and he told me it would get easier with time. He told me that he couldn’t see a fix to our broken relationship and he was enjoying not having to impress anyone. He was enjoying being single and working on himself. I told him that I had changed from the person I was when we broke up, and he said he was glad to hear that. I don’t really know where to go from here. He was very confusing to me. He told me he didn’t want to ‘loose me’ in his life because I was so important to him. He told me he wants to be able to get coffee and do fun things with me when school starts again. He pretty much invited me to one of the frat parties they’re hosting in two weeks. I told him that it was going to be hard just being friends, and he told me that we wouldn’t take these feelings ‘to the grave.’ He told me that he still cared for me and hopes I succeed. When I asked him about moving on, he even said, ‘Who knows what’s going to happen?’ regarding us. I told him not to ‘count me out,’ to which he smiled and laughed and said ‘alright.’ It was overall, a positive interaction. It didn’t go how I had hoped, and I wished I hadn’t pushed relationship talk on him yet.. but it was positive. I kissed him on the cheek goodbye, and he initiated our handshake we had from when we were together, laughing as he went. We waved goodbye and I felt very giddy and excited. I felt like I could get him back as long as I showed him I was a new, confident person.

I wish I had left things there because later, I was feeling confident, and I tried to follow him on social media, to which he rejected my requests. I was feeling a little disheartened, but I texted him the day he left for a big trip with his buddies. I told him I hoped he had a safe trip, etc. He responded kindly and wished me a fun and safe weekend as well, and I responded to that, hoping to keep the conversation flowing, and he didn’t respond. I was feeling down about it but my hopes were still high. So that’s where M comes back into the picture. All summer, M had been listening to me cry about my breakup and had tried to give me advice, probably not the best, but I would take it. M still has my ex on social media, and messaged me that the other night, he was posting pictures and videos with girls when he was drunk and on his trip with his buddies. I understand that he’s single now, and even though he told me he was trying to move on during our coffee date, it still got to me. I feel like the man I loved and who loved me back so confidently is gone. I cried for hours yesterday and even today I feel so down. I’m worried I’ll never get over this guy. I feel rejected and sad. I don’t know where to go from here. I know if he were to give me another chance, we would be so happy and we would last permanently, considering the love is still there. I know it’s still there because otherwise, he wouldn’t have met me for coffee after all that has happened. Everyone tells me that I need to give him space and wait for him to contact me and wonder about me, but I’m worried since we broke up months ago and so much has happened, he won’t even care. I don’t want him to move on without me because I feel like a new, matured individual who would do almost anything for another chance. I’m trying to see what it’s like to be an adult and accept my mistakes and live with that regret, but I truly know that this guy is the one for me. I can’t imagine being treated any better, because I haven’t said how great he was to me. He would’ve done anything to make me happy, and he was always supportive and loving. Not to mention, he’s a very handsome and charming guy. All my friends and family loved him. He was a little shy, but it seems like he isn’t anymore. He’s very confident in the way that he looks now and even posts selfies (something he never did when we were together.) I’m scared that this phase he’s going through, partying and messaging other girls, will never end and is the reason why he won’t try again with me. But it could also just be his way of coping with the pain.

So I guess I need advice on what to do next. I know everything falls on me now. If I want him back, I’ll have to show him the newer, happier, confident version of myself. Because I know that that’s who I am now. That girl who treated him poorly when we were in a relationship is gone. I pushed him away and let this happen to myself, but I take full responsibility for that now. I’m afraid if I reach out in a week or two when I go back to school, he’ll pull away or think it’s too soon. I’m afraid if I don’t reach out, he’ll forget about me and move on with any girl he finds. I know he’s just rebounding and trying new things, but its so hard. What do I do? Is all hope lost for us? Or can we salvage our relationship?
And if we can, should I try no contact? Or try and seem as positive and friendly as I can? How can I convince him to let his heart open up to love with me again, because I feel like he is very guarded and doesn’t want to be hurt by me? Any advice or feedback is welcome!