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I never thought I would be asking for this type of help but I’m happy I’m able to. I’d like to first give some background to really shed light on my situation. First off I’m 28 and she’s 25. We both live at home with our parents and she was planning to move out within a year. I know in my heart this girl is for me. While we were in our ‘honeymoon’ period in our relationships we’ve had a lot of talks about not wanting to waste each other’s time. I broke off a 7 year relationship, long distance for the majority of it to be with her. She is establishing her career after just finishing her masters degree. I’ve been working and decided this year to go back to school (starting this tuesday). I’ve known that I needed to go back to school because it’s something I want. She helped me get the wheels turning and really helped me get into the mindset of going back to school. It is an incredible life change for me since I’ve been working full time for the last 6 years.
We’ve had fights about the future, she has no idea what she wants in a partner other than the fact that I’m not necessarily at that level yet. She wants a lifestyle that I would consider higher upper middle class. My goal was to provide in our relationship and be a partner.
I am an incredibly kind person and I’ve tried my best to make her happy. I am genuine, caring and always trying to make her smile. I am do not have low self esteem or a low confidence level in myself. I’ve wanted to make changes to improve myself because I don’t really like who I am right now. I don’t know how to make these changes without her viewing it as I’m just trying to do X to be back with her. I feel like that is impossible to convey. I can honestly say she would call me clingy. I probably got too complacent in our relationship and too comfortable and let things slide.
We had a long week this summer in august. Her family and my ex invited me away to a chalet for a week. For 3 months we’ve known there has been problems in our relationship. While we were breaking up she told me that she knew she was going to break up with me for a couple weeks. I was quite agitated by that.
After all that background I feel like I’ve explained a fair deal of our relationship. I’m going back to school as I’ve said. After trying to improve certain characteristics about myself and my career I feel like she gave up on our relationship. I started the the no contact rule last Sunday and I didn’t tell her I was going to do it. The first time I got a text message was 10pm on a Saturday night saying “I still have some of your stuff that I have to give back to you.” To preface this I said to her the week before that I wanted her in my life and I want to be friends. That is a mutual feeling.
Do I need to break my no contact, relpy, tell her I’m starting no contact.
Do I respond to her text? Why / Why not?
Do I see her in the next week or two and get my stuff?
I’ve been working on improving myself, going out / starting to work out / and I’m not ready to see her.I still feel angry about how things ended between us. She is an incredibly busy person. She works north of 50 hour a week and that never caused a strain in our relationship; I know she didn’t cheat on me, 99% sure she isn’t seeing anyone else, nor started sleeping with anyone.
Thank you for your help and I hope I explained our relationship as best I could. If you need to know anything ask. I look forward to anyone / everyone’s opinion.
How long were you together? What were the specific reasons she gave for breaking up with you? Why do you think she would think you were clingy? “I probably got too complacent in our relationship and too comfortable and let things slide.” How did you display complacency and what did you let slide?
You contradict yourself by saying you don’t have low self esteem and yet you say you don’t like who you are right now. That’s great you’re going back to school as a college education opens doors to a better paying career. You want it and she would be pleased. One thing for sure, too many arguments make people unhappy and destroy a relationship! Sometimes people don’t know all the specific qualities they want in a partner, but they know if their needs are being met and whether or not they’re happy. No need to be agitated or angry about her telling you she thought about breaking up with you for a couple of weeks before actually doing it. That’s what most people do, they think long and hard about the pros and cons before making that final decision. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks about you going to school or making improvements because you’re doing it for yourself, right? YES, you need to reply and ask when it would be convenient to get your stuff back. It’s also respecting her request, instead of ignoring it which is rude. When you see her, you could tell her you won’t be contacting her for awhile so as you can have some time to digest what happened to the relationship and the part you might have played in it’s demise.
You wrote:”While we were in our ‘honeymoon’ period in our relationships we’ve had a lot of talks about not wanting to waste each other’s time”. What?!? The early stage of a relationship is the time to enjoy each others company, have fun, and get to know each other; NOT have talks about wasting time!
Do you really want to just be friends? If so, a long time has to pass before you both can accept that, especially YOU getting to the point where you don’t mind if she dates other guys.
We were together for just over a year. She wouldn’t give me a reason why we broke up but I alluded to the majority of them in my post. She said she came to the realization that we are different people and that as much as there is good things about that the other side of it (career ambition for example) out weigh the pros.
She called me clingy because my choice free time activity would be us spending time together. I don’t think I am clingy but I went through a rough time between jobs earlier this year and I really needed her support. (Not financially) because she is so busy I don’t think she has the tools to be that supportive.I got complacent not directly tackling all the problems we had. I knew things were messed up for months but we both kept putting off fixing them and addressing them.
The part about not wasting each other’s time was a subject she brought up. Basically, because of her close relationship with her mom they both thought we shouldn’t be together if we didn’t have intentions of being together long term.
I’m confused though. I was trying non contact and the general idea is not to inform the person you’re doing it. I’m assuming the idea is to get them to miss you / crave your attention. I was trying to go a month without talking to her before getting my stuff back.
@bigslick1251 – No contact is not a magic formula for getting an ex back! She might miss you, but that doesn’t mean she wants to get back together. Ignoring her request to give back your stuff is rude. I suggest you reply and do it when and where it’s convenient for both of you. Since you have a history of being complacent about things, not telling her about no contact can be further proof to her that you haven’t changed.
I agreed to meet her tomorrow for coffee, maybe lunch if we’re hungry tomorrow. Any do’s don’ts? Any advice really…
@bigslick1251
I’ve seen that inappropriate before on a few other posts, but never figured it out, lol.Compliment her on her appearance. Be polite,cheerful and upbeat. Thank her for returning your things. I don’t think you should ask to extend this meeting to lunch, unless she suggests lunch. If you mention it, you will appear needy and clingy. Let her know you’re going to be doing no contact, but whenever she wants to get in touch with you, you would be okay with it.
Don’t talk about the relationship or being friends unless she brings it up. [if she brings up friendship and you want more, just say I don’t know] Don’t ask for another chance. Don’t ask if she’s dating. Just use your common sense and think before you speak.
Someday if she wants to talk about the problems you two had during the relationship, that would be the time to let her know that you understand your part in the demise of it. A one year relationship isn’t really a long time to build up lots of good memories. If she is adamant about not reuniting with you, you will have to accept it and move on.
Good luck tomorrow and let us know how it goes..
Thank you. I will try my best tomorrow and hopefully it goes the way I want it to. Anything in my direction is a positive. Friendship is a last resort.
We met up today. Every time she mentioned the break up I kept steering the conversation away from it. I complimented her on her appearance. I maintained eye contact I kept the conversation 85% about her 15% about me. I kept touching her arm, trying to stay in physical contact reasonably. Things we’re going well all during our coffee date. She said she misses my niece and nephew (7 and 5) and I told her that they asked about her. She smiled and liked that. She said she was surprised to see that I was doing well. While walking her out to her car things got a little tough because we had to say goodbye again. We both got a little emotional, I told her she wouldn’t hear from me for the next little while. I let her know that she could get in contact with me if she wanted. She said that was fair if I needed to have that time to myself.
I want to be with this girl more than anything. I’m literally trying anything. She means the absolute world to me. It was incredibly hard to see her leave again.
In addition, I know it’s clear i’m starting no contact today. I have an opportunity to ask her to spend time with me this weekend, should i do it or just let it fly by?
@bigslick1251 – It sounds like the meet up went well. You told her you wouldn’t be in contact for awhile, so keep your word. NO, don’t ask her to spend time with you!! Don’t act clingy again and if she initiates a text or calls later on, be polite and upbeat, but keep the conversation short. You don’t want to overwhelm her with anything that seems like you’re being needy or desperate.
I think it’s too soon to talk about the breakup, but if she wants to talk about it and you can be calm about it without asking to get back together, answer any questions she might have and respond appropriately to any comments she makes. You don’t want to give off the complacent vibe again.
I’m glad you touched her arm during the coffee date and I’m sure she has the impression that you still love her very much. She will have time to think about the meeting and how pleasant it was.
Now the hard part begins. Be strong and stick to no contact. Good luck and keep us posted..
I sure hope my post got through….
Hello Patricia,
I just wanted to give you an update as to what happened with me and my ex since we met up to exchange things a couple weeks back. Later that day she messaged me and it sounded like she had trouble with the fact I was doing well. I stayed with my no contact rule, but she messaged me here and there over the last few weeks. The last day was this past thursday. On sunday i sent her a letter because I felt like it would be the best way to convey my feelings to her. She received that letter today and she said she didn’t take me for a writer. I told her i wrote the letter because i felt like it. That conversation starting trailing a little downward. We spoke on the phone and I shared some things as to why I felt our relationship imploded and the fact that I don’t think the relationship we had could have or should have been saved. I called her stubborn because anytime i said something she would just say ok, or is there anything else you want to say? It wasn’t really a conversation. She said while on the phone before she hung up that talking to me is draining sometimes ‘i’m paraphrasing’
She started sending me texts that were a little tit for tat. saying that I wanted to see her two weeks ago even though she texted me. I told her I’m not trying to make her mad, im not trying to take the high ground and i’m not trying to sound pompous in anything that i say.
It reaches the point where if you respond to someone you feel like you have to justify what you say or you feel like you’re incorrect or they will take it the wrong way regardless.I said i don’t think we should be talking now that’s what i wrote in the letter. The last thing she said was then maybe don’t call me? I called her because it sounded like she wanted to talk about it. she said it was a nice gesture before all of this.
I said I never tried to hurt you and I wanted to ask her something. I wanted to know if her mom still hates me? Obviously over that time she hadn’t responded to me in 20 minutes. I apologized saying it was uncalled for and told her to have a good night. This is where I am right now at 11pm on a Wednesday.I know logic suggests that I probably never speak to this girl again. I go against logic because my heart wants a NEW, better relationship with her. Will you please help me? I’m sure I have to start no contact again. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t completely ‘off’ until i got frustrated on the phone because she wouldn’t respond to me. Is she mad at me for figuratively moving on? I know i stepped over the line with the texting. I just got angry because it sounded like she wanted to talk and then became completely cold. In her defense she worked a 12 hour day. She messaged me about the letter, she didn’t have to say anything. I don’t know what to do…
edit: In addition, i guess I got thrown off because of the whole, if she wants to message me or stay in contact with me at her initiation I allowed it. Maybe I welcomed it too much? I also have a date Friday. Not going to tell her or gloat. Just trying to do other things.
@bigslick1251 – You seem to be assuming things. For example: After the meet up to exchange things she messaged you and you said it “sounded like” she had trouble with the fact you were doing well. She received your letter today and she contacted you again. You calling her stubborn was a mistake. Then sending texts tit for tat. No, you should NOT respond to negative remarks or insults. You got frustrated on the phone because she wouldn’t respond. Getting angry won’t solve anything. What a mess. It seems she doesn’t want to talk calmly and reasonably at this time. Maybe she’s too immature. Go 30 days no contact again, but this time tell her you don’t want any contact so you can sort through your feelings regarding the whole situation. It might be too early to date as your thoughts are with your ex.
having trouble replying to posts….
“i thought it would be easy to see you” it was just harder than i thought ” it’s hard seeing you hurting ”
later that day “i do really miss you, even it might not seem like it sometimes”
These are things she said to me last Monday after meeting in text.I’m not searching for pandora’s box. I just want to hurt her. she keeps asking to be friends, i keep saying i don’t know. I want to sleep with her again one day after no contact, maybe get real close. And just hurt her so bad. I can’t help but feel such anger, hatred, and rage for what she did to me when we went away to her cottage. I felt so alone / abandoned there, and I felt like she didn’t care.
Why was she so cold tonight? Does she not want to relive the break up? Why can’t she talk calmly and reasonably? She accused me of wanting to meet up last week even though she asked me for coffee to give me my things? (that one i’m sure i’m right that she wanted to see me) I’m not seeking solace, i just don’t understand her. I’m sure it’s a lot more difficult for you to understand her Patricia.
@bigslick1251 -Maybe she was cold because she sensed your anger. Does it really matter who asked who to meet up? You are too full of anger, hate, and rage right now to talk to her about anything! And you want to have sex with her and hurt her? You are also full of resentments. It will take you a long time to calm down and come to terms with what happened. And I’m sure it was NOT all her fault for the break up. If you can’t get over the past and your anger, maybe a therapist could help you. I know you don’t want friendship with her, but seriously, do you think you are able to have a good relationship of any sort with anyone at this time? I’m hoping you can be more gracious and forgiving sooner rather than later. Negativity will have a bad effect your physical and mental health.
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