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Ramble away Aphrodite, it’s interesting because who ever you end up with they have different dimensions. Nobody is perfect and god my ex had faults, unfortunately like your ex since he was earning the better money it went to his head. He was hopeless at budgeting and kept running short so I would get the blame! In fact I got the blame for most things. I used to joke with him and say that my name should be called “Wrong”. However, like in all relationships it’s about balance and we made up with some pretty good times as well so it’s not all doom and gloom.
I’ve just seen a friend of mine this morning and I came away really really upset because she told me that I really ought to move on. I cried in the car afterwards. I’ve not felt this low since the last time I spoke the ex which was 7 days ago now.
The thought of my ex with someone else is a pretty horrific thought. The thought that we will never do anything together anymore is so upsetting.
I can’t believe he is so bitter towards me. It’s like the 8 years means nothing and he doesn’t check in to see if I’m ok or make contact in anyway.
How can one month you really want to be with someone and then next you don’t?
Finding it very hard not to contact him today 🙁It’s true, everyone have different dimensions and can act differently towards different situations and people. However he is incredibly polarised in his dimensions, which intrigues me. He’s like an enigma I want to decode, and I know the last thing he wants is to feel figured out.
Like your ex he was also great at placing the blame on me, or distracting me from the current issue by bringing up something I had done years before and turning himself into the victim. Really an inability to take responsibility or face consequences of his actions, which resulted in me feeling low self-worth.Was this your therapist friend?
Remember just because she is a therapist or your friend does not at all mean she has the correct answers for you. She can only utter her opinion and show you different perspectives, but it’s up to you.
Do not think of your ex with anyone else. Face that if and when you get to it! You do NOT know that you two won’t do anything together again – in fact I highly doubt that would be the case. The fact that he is bitter does not mean that the 8 years mean nothing to him, on the contrary it means that they do! That’s why he’s bitter! Clearly his pride was hurt and he’s stubborn. He now thinks he can have you whenever he wants (as you changed your mind) so there is no longer any sense of urgency on his end. He wants you to feel the void from him leaving, he’s immature and he’s punishing you by deprivation. His anger WILL settle, and if it doesn’t then he does not deserve you.
It’s not that one month he wanted to be with you and the next he didn’t. It’s that his ego was hurt and now that he knows he can have you, he’s attempting to hurt your ego in return.
You have to continue NC! You have said your sorries so all you can do now is wait for his anger to blow over.
I don’t agree with your friend in that you should move on. Yes, try to move on, but don’t neglect that gut feeling because it helps you through the day (if you’re anything like me). It’s there for a good reason, regardless of whether it’s real or not. Do this your own way, the way that feels best for you! If that is to block out of thought the idea of getting back together then go through that grief, but if you’re not ready yet and feel that hope will help you more, then ignore this and listen to what your body and heart tells you.Write here what you would want to say to him, instead of contacting him, if it helps. Hang in there!! You’re a lot stronger than you think
I think you should complete NC, then reach out if he hasn’t yet. If that doesn’t go well then you’ve got my full permission to say everything you want to him after! Then you can move on and you would have said it all. How does that sound?
You’re such a good friend on here Aphrodite!
Everything you say makes sense and you come across very level headed, round of applause to you because I know you’re going through the wringer just as bad as me.No, it wasn’t the therapist thankfully! Haha. I don’t think I would go back if that was the case!
It was a friend who was in same situation some years ago, well,her hubby left her, so I would have thought she would have been a bit more sensitive in huge matter!My ex would also bring up stuff I had done in the past! He would bring up stuff from 5 years ago! It’s like an uneven playing field all the time and you don’t know where the next ball is going to hit next!
You’re right, I should not think of my ex with someone else. It’s pointless and gets nowhere except more tears.
If we do not get back together then there is no reason to keep in touch so I wouldn’t know anyway.Don’t you find all this so draining? Our minds are constantly whirring away about this. Non stop.
I’m just so glad that there is this site we can come too. Every day we can rant to our hearts content and get support.So, you feel he will get in touch soon?
So jealous Atea1234 got a text! We might not hear from her again! Lol.Feeling very blessed to have everyone on this site here too, and you’re a great friend on here!!
It’s easier to be level headed about other people’s matters!
Strange that your friend wasn’t more sensitive as she’s been through the same. Most often those who are insensitive are whose who are or have been struggling very hard on their own themselves. They had to suck it up and get on with their lives so you should do the same! That’s a trend I’ve found with my own friends at least. The ones who aren’t very sympathetic have usually dealt with something difficult by themselves and don’t really believe your issue is as bad as theirs was or is.
Haha my ex was bringing up 5 year old stuff too! Like I shouldn’t be allowed to get upset about his actions because I did something similarish 5 years ago! And poor him for me having done that to him. Then the whole conversation would turn and I’d be the one to end up apologising and comforting him when it all started with something he upset me with! I’m still not sure if that was a tactic to divert the attention away from his wrongs or if he genuinely still had built up emotions from past issues.
Exactly right regarding not thinking about your ex with someone else. The same goes for stalking. As you say, if no reconciliation happens anyway there would be no point. And if it does then you can figure it all out later if you still want to.
Yes it’s extremely draining, and it is chronic, non stop, obsessing. Little by little though it will become less. So little that we won’t even notice it changing. This site is a real blessing yes, and I’m so happy to be able to connect with others going through the same!
I’ve got this creeping feeling that he is thinking about me, and that he will get in touch soon yeah. It could just be that I’m feeling hopeful due to that atea got a text. Time will tell the accuracy of my (supposed) instincts.
I was thinking that too! Maybe atea hasn’t responded because she’s busy reconciling! Lol! I hope so:) @atea1234 deets please! We’re living our lives through you right now! 😛
hello @belle and @aphrodite,
wow so much to catch up on this morning!! the time difference keeps me behind in this thread!
@belle, i just want to say to you, do NOT listen to your friends who just say move on. all my friends give me the same advice and that doesnt feel right to me so that is why i come on this forum to talk to you ladies instead! we understand it. take your time, just get through the days, and everything will fall into place. as for imagining your ex with someone else, don’t do it!!! it will seriously only make things harder for you and he is probably processing the break up right now and feeling many of the same emotions you are.
@aphrodite, my ex was a bit multidimensional too. on the surface he was the sweetest, most polite, passionate, and caring. but behind closed doors i did catch him telling me a couple lies, drinking/smoking more than my liking, and not always putting me first. i wouldn’t say he’s confusing, but i definitely saw a side of him that sometimes would turn me off.
so now the text! I’m trying not to get overly excited. his text to me was just about some celebrity gossip, a couple who split in hollywood who we both were big fans of. i answered very calm, cool, and confident. he kept the conversation going as did i about his job, some mutual friends, the weather etc. he also told me i would be proud of him because he thinks he is outgrowing some of his immature friends who drink and smoke a lot and its starting to get old. when i asked what he’s been up to he just said working a ton and hanging out with friends, so no new girlfriend yay! the conversation just ended in which we were discussing a tv show we both love. he is behind in it and said he will let me know his opinions when he catches up. no talk of the relationship or meeting up. it still felt like a small victory to me because in the whole 3.5 months we’ve been broken up, this was the FIRST time he texted me first and it was out of nowhere. i did tell him new years day he could text me whenever he wanted, but still, i had often said this to him and he never did. i actually think maybe the law of attraction is working here. i seem to be a better and happier person and i think he’s starting to pick it up. I’m glad he’s not afraid to reach out now. what do you guys think of that conversation? should i stay with my initial nc plan and just answer him when he reaches out? i totally agree with you both that this process of so many mixed emotions is truly exhausting! glad we all have each other to vent to and are hanging in. and as for them reaching out, just be patient. this is the first time my ex reached out to me in 3.5 months. he used to take hours to answer my texts even with one worded responses and last night answered every few minutes or so. how do you think i should proceed from here?Have you notice Kevin responds now and then? He’s like our god almighty right now isn’t he! Lol
Yay Atea1234, we were just talking about you! Lol
That’s brill news! So 3-5 months and first time he reaches out! You were right about the 2-4 months of enjoying being single and then along comes reality!
You did really well in keeping a lid on everything and not talk about the relationship. Well done!Proceed with caution! Wait for him to contact you and carry on being polite, discuss anything but the relationship. Make it look like your getting on with life but don’t push him away. Carry on NC and I’m sure it won’t be long till he next text. Make him chase you.
I’m sure he will be wanting to see you soon!Well done Atea1234, you’re an inspiration!
Thank you for advise about my friend. Next time I see her I will steer clear of talk about the ex! They only know the negatives what we talk about and she doesn’t know the good things about the relationship and how we worked through 8 years of some of the best times in my life.
my first thoughts waking up this morning were to tell @belle and @aphrodite about the conversation!! so thankful to have the support on this forum. actually, many of my friends said the same thing about my ex that your friend said so i don’t really discuss with them anymore. i have select friends who understand and like to listen and are supportive, but others i just don’t discuss it with ever. thats why i prefer to talk to both of you!
i think the conversation went well. i guess this puts me in a form of nc i read about (no initiated contact). i will keep being friendly if he reaches out, but will stick with my initial plan of 12 weeks before i initiate contact with him. I’m not going to count this as starting over because he was the one who reached out and i don’t want to ignore him because i don’t want him to think i won’t reconcile! so still 11 weeks for me to go without initiating but i will absolutely answer if he responds. do you think this means he is starting to feel more ready to reconcile? I’m really not sure, but i do think it has to mean something that he finally reached out first! especially because there was nothing major he needed to say to me. i also think the fact he told me it is getting “old” going out with all his friends who drink and smoke so much is a good sign. i think initially how he distracted himself from the break up was so much partying so hopefully now he is really taking the time to think and process the emotions I’ve been dealing with for 3.5 months!im also left wondering if/when he will initiate us getting together…certainly not my place to initiate it but i wonder if he will!
You are obviously on his mind! We wanted contact from you so he reached out. What nobody knows is why? Was it because you’re comfortable for him and it’s the safety net of communicating with you for him to function. Or, is it he’s beginning to miss you?
If this is the first time in 3-5 months then he had every chance to move on and think the better of contacting you, he knows how you feel so why would he disturb you and mess with feelings.
What you don’t want is for him to contact you when he’s feeling lonely or bored.
I would respond to his messages but I would back off, leave it a bit of time in between texts. You want to work out his intentions. If you make it appear you’ve got a life and enjoying it then that will worry him slightly I should think. You don’t want to push him away, just don’t be right there every time he texts, if he calls, don’t answer, let time go by then follow it up with a text sorry that you were busy type response. Doing that will not push him away, after all you’re not there for him as he’s your ex is t he!I await in anticipation for the next text which no doubt will not be long!
It’s nice to know that you can talk to us anytime about anything! It’s a good thing and thank you advice about friends!
Yes time difference, I think Aphrodite is an hour or so in front of me but you’re several hours behind! Never mind. We all catch up sooner or later!
I think he will initiate getting back together. When? We don’t know but I think he will. Out of the three of us you’re the one that’s going to reconcile for sure! X
thank you so much! i think the terms surrounding our break up are very different from most other breakups on here as he basically broke up telling me it was something he needed to do to be with me in the future. i guess I’ve viewed it really more as a “break” but i have been worried because he seemed to not want anything to do with me and it scared me. i think initially i was too emotional and he hurt me so much that he was afraid to reach out and confuse me and make things worse. i think him seeing my positive attitude and moving forward with my life are probably causing him to be more attracted to me again. I’m not entirely sure of his intentions here. he always told me he didn’t want to lose contact with me because of our situation and wanted to leave the door open to reconcile and i think initially i would reach out a lot so he didn’t need to. also, i would always bring up the relationship, something he clearly didn’t want to talk about! i think initially my reasons for contacting him were for comfort, to know he’s still there and thinking about me. he clearly has demonstrated a lot of self-control in not reaching out, so i think last night he made a choice to do so. I’m not sure if he was lonely or bored or what but I’m sure over the last 3.5 months he has been lonely/bored at times and hhasnt reached out.
its funny though now i actually think its too soon to reconcile! i still have changes i want to make to myself and i still want to feel 1000& certain when he comes back he is really ready to commit to me. I’m getting way ahead of myself here but i still anticipate another 4-5 months of this. its just nice to know that he reaches out as well. i think thats a bit of an indication he isn’t entirely ready to be move on either@ Aphorodite, I made it to 90 days on NC and decided not to contact him. He never made contact during that time 🙁 and there are too many things against reuniting: short relationship 2 months, long distance, I chased too much etc. I am feeling much better, and right now I am just feeling like if we end up bumping into each other in the future great, if not then I don’t want to put myself thru that pain again.
I have gone out on a couple dates here and there, nothing promising, but it is a good distraction!I wish more people would post success stories, because sometimes it seems that it does not work out most of the time 🙁
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