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Hi all,
So my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 8 months. We lived together for over two of those, and have cats together. She began a Master’s degree in September and we moved to our separate parent’s houses. I have the cats. I’ve had trust issues in the past, and mid December one such incident cropped up again where I hurt her feelings, which she says she never really came back from. We had some excellent times since then but argued still. On January the 14th after not seeing each other for ten days, we argued and she said ‘I can’t be with you anymore’, over these same trust issues, but she was the one who was convinced that I didn’t trust her in this instance. Funny thing was I was just about to start counselling to address them, and have been working to resolve these insecurities but haven’t been able to tell her. Since then we have hardly spoken (a few vague texts have been exchanged about what’s happening with many mixed signals). She sent me one the other day where she admitted that she misses me but doesn’t want to meet in case those feelings override the reasons she broke up with me. I called her rather than texting back and asked to meet her as I haven’t had any opportunity to tell her what’s changed for me in the past three weeks. We are meeting in person Saturday coming, and I was wondering whether or not you think this is a good idea?
She means the world to me, but I’m very aware she has a super busy other life now (looking at going abroad to study in the summer, loads of coursework etc) so doesn’t have time to think about us when it’s bad. I know that in this time apart she has got a bad grade on one of her pieces of work, and she values her work very highly. My friends have been speaking to her and they tell me it doesn’t look good. What do you think I should do here? I worry that we haven’t seen each for so long that she’s drifted away from me already. She’s very stubborn because she’s very clever, and I’m just unconvinced she’ll want to give it another go, even though I heard what she said about the trust issues and took it upon myself to do something about it.
When we meet I don’t want to get straight down to the nitty gritty, rather I’d like to get some lunch and go to a park etc before we talk, just so things aren’t continuously horrible between us (and to try and test for both of us if there’s still something nice to be had), but I don’t know if she’ll be game.
We’re still in a relationship on Facebook, if that counts for anything.
I sent her a message yesterday essentially saying I too was confused about everything, but that we should consider our entire relationship, and not just the past month.
Since writing this she has messaged me saying “Hey. I feel like I need to make clear that if we are to meet this weekend, it isn’t to get back together and I’m sorry if you thought otherwise, as I have tried to be as honest with you as possible.
I need you to know that before we meet, as it’s just not fair on you otherwise. Xxx”Now I don’t know what to do. I stupidly have replied already saying “We still need to talk in person. I’m tired of all this texting now. Xxx”
Should I go and be jolly and pleasant like I first intended, or just bail out before I dig a hole?
Firstly, there is no way that she is over you that quickly. No way.
You have Trust issues? You get jealous I take it. Yep. Join the club. It destroys everything. At the minute she just needs her space. Her head is probably full of all sorts.
She still has negative images and thoughts and you meeting and texting won’t help her get those thoughts out of her head.
Mid December until now isn’t that long. You should really stop all talk about the relationship. Stop everything. You can see already that you are getting nowhere by continually asking her.
You are committed now to meeting her. So go ahead with it. But you have to act super cool. Really laid back. Life is brilliant. Do not mention the break up or anything to do with it. If it comes up then say something nice and change the subject. Drop into conversation fairly casually that you are doing things to change. But for you, not for her. Doing it for her will make her run further.
You could tell her that you will be busy doing things for a few weeks. Say This at the end. Say that you need some time and space to sort some shit out.
Then go no contact. It sounds tough but she is being tough on you. You will need to do this to get her back. You cannot contact or reply. She needs to have time to erase the bad memories.If you want my opinion, you will get her. The fact that she still meets you and texts you is really good. But you have to leave her alone now. And in that time you have to work on you. You have to change. The relationship broke down for a reason. Find the reasons and fix them.
She will be back. Time takes time.
Hope this helps
Wow, thank you so much for the advice Patrick. I wanted to ask her the reasons as to why we broke up, but I’m guessing that’s probably not a good idea? I’ve been trying to figure out how I could ask her those things, at the same time as not being a representation of the end of our relationship. Guess you can’t have your cake and eat it right?
My trust issues started when she kissed another guy two days after we first said “I love you” to each other, while she was on a night out. She was very forthcoming about it though, told me right away, it meant nothing (I almost now wish she hadn’t told me if it meant nothing) and she said she wasn’t that person. Gave me space etc. We were long-distance at the time. This led to me acting quite overbearing, invasive and jealous at times throughout our relationship but she always stood by me. I know that I put her through torture so many times when I wasn’t looking at what was right in front of me. I called her a lot of names and accused her of many things, so I guess it wasn’t what you’d call ‘regular’ jealousy.
With the whole committed to meeting her thing, maybe stupidly I offered for her to come to mine, so that she can see the cats. She said she hasn’t made up her mind yet, but will let me know soon.
Do you think it would be bad to try and find a reason to not meet, or is that too much of a cold shoulder now?
I should probably also add that if she does come to mine, it’s near enough a three hour drive for her as we’re long distance again. The long distance hasn’t helped the whole jealousy deal one bit either haha!
I asked her to meet ‘to talk’, as in try to find out the above. I have a feeling if I try to avoid that she might get really mad about it. I’m sure in her head driving for ages, only to come and meet me and be met with “Ah don’t worry about it” might not land too well.
Maybe “I can appreciate that it was probably really difficult for you to make this visit, and if things weren’t changing in the first place then it’s probably just easier to see the boys (cats) and have an easy day”?
I wouldn’t talk through things at all. She knows what went wrong. She dumped you so she has nothing to talk through. It’s you that Needs to talk to yourself. That is a Long drive for nothing, but it is still good that she wants to come. But maybe try to say about just the cats and a hang out. She might not bother then. She wants to see that you are changing. Dragging up the relationship will drive her nuts I think. Opening up old wounds again and again.
That jealousy is ott but not uncommon. You are jealous because it is you that is insecure. Find confidence. Start thinking that she is the lucky one. Look at life from a different angle. Jealousy destroys everything. Believe me. I did the same. I was engaged and messed it up!
So chill. Look after yourself firstly. Live your life for you. Not for her. And she will love the new more confident you.So take time for yourself to work on These issues. All will be fine. She will wait for you. Whatever it might look like she is doing, she will actually be thinking of you and hoping.
Good luck. We are here when you Need a rant
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write back. I’m pretty nervous about it all to be honest. We’ve actually done this once before, around the same time last year she ended it, but we went on a two week break when we were living together (probably made a big difference), when I came back she said she made a mistake so we were OK. We also messed up our Christmas that year, and had a kinda stressful one this year because of the difficulties we were already having. Do you think this being a repeat will affect my chances?
I hope you and your partner have found each other again?
It happened again because you didn’t Change the jealousy is my guess. Insanity is doing the same Thing over and over and expecting different results.
We are not back together. She said that she was seeing someone else so I went NC. I have my suspicions that he is gone. She is texting me old photos. I still am not sure where I stand but I think that she is beginning to chase me. I have changed a lot in the past few months. New man almost. That is what she always wanted. I will see what happens but I think tha´t she is coming back.
Jealousy wasn’t our only issue, but I think yes it was a big factor in our overall happiness.
The worst part of all this, is that if I’d found out that this was the right way to go about things sooner we’d probably already be back together! I look back at our texts, and even though there aren’t many, I can see her getting further away with each one. She fully admitted that if we’d met for that coffee she’d probably have missed me enough to try again, I hadn’t actually made any contact at that point. Stupidly the night after that I sent her a long casual message, but said at the end that I have vivid dreams where I’m holding her. Sometimes I wonder if actually missing that chance to meet bolstered her decision to break up. If only I could kick my own face.
That sounds pretty difficult, how long were you together for? I almost did the old photos thing with my girlfriend several times recently so I think it’s fair to say she’s definitely missing you. Maybe wait and see a little longer. The great thing is I guess, is that whatever happens between you two, it sounds like you’ve made some amazing changes in your life so congratulations. How long have you been apart for?
Of course it is difficult. 5.5 years together. I miss her a lot. Did everything wrong for the first 6 weeks or so. Drove her nuts and into another man. I’m assuming he is a Rebound. I was an ass for a Long time. I see that now. And I realise that chasing her will do nothing. Only when I Change for me do I have any hope.
She has started texting strange things. Old photos puzzled me. My female friends say that she is slowly looking for a waý back with me. I am not sure. But I haven’t replied yet. I Need another bit of time to lose the Obsession and build myself up some more.
But I think she is on her way back. And I will be ready then when she gets this far. I have made big changes. But they had to be done for meI’m sad I did it wrong too, but I can only work from where I am I guess.
Your bravery astounds me man, good on you. I don’t want to give you false hope, but from an outside POV I would have thought it can only mean what your female friends say. My female acquaintances have been oddly spot on with their opinions of what’s happening, even the ones I don’t like haha. Take the time you need though.
This talk has helped me out a lot so thanks.
I text her just suggesting it be an easy meet instead, she can see the cats. Will see what happens, she’s spent days deciding so we’ll go from there. If she doesn’t come back to me or says no to visiting but asks if I want to meet, shall I just say no thanks and do no contact? Maybe for my sake too.
I was speaking to a mutual friend of ours last night, told him about how everything has gone down. He threw in his two cents and said I should call it off this weekend. He’s been speaking to her occasionally via text.
I’ve proposed an easy time, but I don’t know if it’s all too soon. Initially I need to specify that she was ‘agreeing’ to meet, not that she ‘wanted’ to. Now that I’ve offered an easy day it’s obviously thrown her, but I still don’t know if it’s a good idea. My gut is saying she’ll bail as she still hasn’t replied.
I cleaned my room like a madman yesterday, and even put the photo book she made me for my birthday last year out in a subtle place for her to find when I’m not in the room. Bad idea? Good idea?
I’m freaking out here, I want to see her obviously, but do you think I should just say “I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this weekend. I hope you understand. Xxx” and just go no contact?
I’m trying to work out whether cancelling is a bad idea, or whether I should just be brave and take the ball back in to my court?
I think your friend is right. Your friends instinct is saying that it’s not the right time to meet. I would agree.
She is thinking a lot about it so ease her the bother of thinking. Say something has come up. Your text is good.The photo Thing might be too much. She knows that you are thinking of her but you don’t want her thinking that you have a shrine to her. The less she knows the better.
You Sound better. You are realising that not everything in life is somple black and White. We have to take a step back sometimes to look at the big Picture.
My ex text again last night. She was asking why i was not contacting. Then followed up with that she doesn’t want to be worrying about me and she has exams coming up.
(Why she would be worrying I don’t know.) But this was a Situation where I thought that I finally better reply. (that would have been about 15 Messages without reply). I felt strong enough to. It got to the Point where I thought that I was really beginning to push it with the no contact. It can backfire.
So, after waiting some time I text back that I had been busy and good luck with the studies. She replied (straight away!) that it’s good i’m busy. Then said that we had promised to stay friends and meet up. What is with that she asked? I said we can meet but depends on the evening. She seemed satisfied that I was still willing to do that and said that we could meet after the exams.
Just to throw her a curve ball, I said that i might not be here then. I will be here, but she can think about that. (I thought she was getting the power back so I said that). Then she sent a “where would you be” and good night etc. I haven’t replied.So, I still know nothing really. Well, I know that she was thinking of me and getting annoyed. Emotion is better than indifference. And we will meet in a few weeks. Big Change from the Anger of a few months ago. I feel like I am now in Charge. The tables have turned.
You are the man Charlie. Be the man now. Harden up a Little bit. Do the NC but if a time Comes where you think that you will do more damage by ignoring then I think that a simple reply is ok. I know that the Websites say no way, but I felt ready, and really felt like I would do Lasting damage. And we have been on-off NC for about 6 weeks. I am at the stage where either way now I know that I will be happy. Life goes on.
Keep me updated. Not wanting to get your hopes up either, but your Story has just one ending! And it will be in your favour. Just give her a bit of space. Come bacck new and confident
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