Please help me guys.

Hi Patrick,

You know I thought about what you said, and maybe I’m not quite ready myself. I was so anxious on Friday that I turned my phone off while spending time with the family.

Turned it back on, and she had text asking if I wanted to hang out. Unfortunately as our texts were so sporadic yesterday she isn’t coming down today because we didn’t arrange anything. She said she had work in her texts but was vague and it totally shook me. Normal anxious thoughts. What deadline does she have mid-easter holiday, she’s playing me etc etc.

I spoke to her on the phone this morning though and it was nice. Turns out she has forms which she needs to get signed by lecturers for Friday and she doesn’t know if she can come away as of yet. I have proposed a couple of days next week with a fun day out (boat trip down the canal, kept that secret though) while my parents are away. She said she is going to try and let me know as soon as she knows. She sounded excited about the surprise, I think. I hope things with her work fall into place so she can come and have fun.

For me though again I’ve just been rocked by those anxious thoughts these past few days. She said that she has been feeling odd for the past few days. She was watching some odd talks on Sex Love & Secrets on our joint Netflix account which spun me, but I guess she may have been looking for answers like me.

So Patrick, how do you feel now? It must feel like a great weight has been lifted. You are on the road to something truly new. It’s madness. Do you think it will be strange learning to forget this stage in your life? When you no longer post on here, or have to consider your moves like a chess player anymore. I know that you won’t, but don’t let the re-coupling of you both let you fall into the same old ruts.

Hi Patrick,

We did meet. She came to stay. It’s been excellent. She said ‘I love you’ before she left.

She brought weed with her though, and stupidly I agreed to smoke some. It’s funny because I felt so confident before she came down and she saw that. Then I smoked and it was bad for me, suddenly remembered why I stopped. Gives me such bad anxiety. I feel it for days afterward too.

As I say things were really nice, I’m slightly saddened that our reconciliation was marred by me smoking though, I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, felt like I’d be ok. I find that when anyone sees me being awkward when I smoke, I find it very hard to return to normality with that person even once the effects wear off. The usual invasive paranoid thoughts came with it too, at first I was just so happy she was with me, sighing with relief. Then after I smoked I got the usual worries about her, it really gets in the way of my love for her, like I’m not quite present in the moment. Before I smoked I didn’t even care if she’d been seeing someone else. Then when I did that’s all I thought about. It’s no good for me. I worry that I had associated her with those feelings and had finally let them go, then smoking just brought them all straight back. Too much like the old times. I think it really was poison for my relationship. Going to Portsmouth today to see her and my friends which will be nice though.

I wouldn’t be overly concerned with who she is texting. You weren’t before you are where you are now, so try not to get too ahead of yourself. Sounds like everything is headed your way, keep the ego out of it!

How do I make her see that I’m not chasing her around? She’s the one who’s been taking the lead.

Hi Patrick.

Very nice to hear from you. I could use your advice honestly.

Sorry to hear you’re having trouble finding a place, I’m sure you’ll get settled again soon. Nothing new for you I guess eh? How come you moved from where you were?

Slow and steady sounds like your best course of action.

In my position I also find myself in some sort of limbo. I invited her to come and hang with me for the day last weekend. We had a very nice day, kissed and had a very earnest conversation before she left.

I’ve just got back from a three day weekend in Devon with all our friends. We’d been texting all week, and both attended this weekend.

Lots of drinks and fun with friends. Her and I had a really nice time, but I messed up a little on Saturday morning. I’d been haunted by the weekend in Portsmouth, and felt like I needed to find out what was going on between her and my friend in Portsmouth. I went on her phone (feel ashamed), and what I found threw me a little. A great barrage of messages dating months back. I’ve been trying to make sense of what they meant, as she spoke to him often about me and he gave her advice about coming to see me etc. But at the same time some of the messages seemed very intense, like “You’re not mad at me are you?” “You haven’t been replying to me” “I didn’t cross a boundary?” etc.

After I had visited in Portsmouth she had sent a message saying “Charlie asked if he could come and visit and I couldn’t find a reason to say no. I just mean that I wasn’t staying at the flat while you were away to slyly bring Charlie to the flat”

“I just hate that I put you in that situation” etc etc.

Of course I immediately thought what you would obviously think. Yet she was also sending messages saying “When I hold hands/kiss him it’s like nothing else matters” etc. He replied saying that if she wants to be with me she should just lay all her cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may.

Lots of etcs I know, just keeping it non-wordy.

So I asked her. We went for a cigarette, and I said I was feeling anxious about us. I told her that I had noticed that her and he seemed very close when I visited Portsmouth and asked her to tell me if they have something going on. She said “It’s not like that, I promise.” We spoke about how after he and I had fallen out last time she stopped speaking to him, and missed doing so.

I know that he didn’t like me at all after we fell out, and it took more than a month before we were amicable again. What I wonder is if honestly he still doesn’t like me, and that’s what all those messages were about.

The fact that she spoke to him about me so much surely seems like it’s not what you would think, but there was so much else there too. I also noticed that all the things she says to me about how insecure she’s feeling about us are opinions that he had shared. E.g. She had said about how she wasn’t ready to move in with me again if we got back together, and he replied saying I guess if you don’t see it progressing then why would you continue. She told him we were trying again and he asked why would you have to try?

Low and behold it came out in our conversation on Saturday. She’d also said how she felt like she had lost her soulmate, and he said about “Not believing in soulmates, there are 7 billion people in the world…..”, which is what he said to me when I told him that I felt like I’d lost mine. Suddenly she talks to me about “us not being compatible.”

I guess I believe her if I have to, what I don’t know how to tackle is the fact that that she is listening to other people’s opinion and it’s clearly what’s stopping us from moving forward. My counsellor advised me that talking to other people might actually be a bad idea when I said how confused everyone’s else’s thoughts were making me. When you’re with someone you don’t talk about everything you do with them constantly.

Outside of all that, and after our talk, we continued to have a nice time, cuddled, kissed, danced, chilled together and said I love you.

So a mixed bag.

I’m trying to work out whether I’m being strung along. I really don’t mind them being friends, but it looks like she’s going to him for all the emotional support. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not. If I wasn’t being discussed at such length I guess I’d be very concerned.

What do you think?

And please send me your number if you want to Patrick!