Really confused

Hello all,

This is my first post here and I apologise it is a long one.

My ex and I got together over 9 years ago and have 2 children together. We split for 8 weeks last summer and got back together in September 2017. Unfortunately, we have ended up splitting again and she is saying this time it’s permanent.

In our ‘first’ relationship we both didn’t treat each other with respect. I was controlling and needy and she kept sabotaging it by texting her ex, setting up pointless dating profiles. We decided to get couples counselling but we both recognised it was too late and split in July 2017.
Straight after the split she slept with two people and we didn’t talk for two weeks unless it was to do with the kids.
I was a mess but decided I needed to improve myself. Joined the gym, carried in with he counselling, more social and I felt better. She acknowledged this and by the end of August we saw more of each other, with the kids, and we gradually came back together.

When we got back together things were going great. We communicated more, more open and trusting. In February we had an argument that she said was the start of her becoming anxious again (reason for first split). 2 weeks ago she text me at work saying that my stuff is in the car and I need to go and stay at my parents, I was gutted. I was actually looking at engagement rings that day 😔.

I saw her the next day and we talked and she said that she started to get those anxious feelings again and didn’t want to put herself through this.
We spoke on that Saturday and she said she felt really bad about the way she did it and said she couldn’t love me the way I deserved as she was putting up her barriers again. She is adopted so her attachment and self sabotaging is all part of it.
We saw each other on the Sunday, after I dropped my son off, and we watched tv in bed. We messed around (not sexual) and joked and laughed and it was fun. She invited me to stay for dinner wheich I did.
I saw her every evening as I had to borrow the car as mine broke down (all the luck). On the Tuesday she offered me to stay over a so wasn’t getting the car until 11.

We talked on Friday, yesterday,for an hour about her work, my friends and us. She said she is going to get professional help next month about her anxieties and I said I would support her. She also said that she loves me and really enjoys spending time with me but we can’t work together as we bring out the best and worst of each other. Together we are fantastic and have great chemistry but she said she would never give it another go. All the time when doing this she was playing with her hair, smirking when I said we will go travelling when the kids are older.

Tonight I find out she is on tinder, from a friend, and it just hurt.

Just looking for some advice please. It’s her birthday on Tuesday and we are seeing each other Sunday, Tuesday and then nothing until Saturday when I pick the kids up.

Sorry it was a long one….