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Boards Reconciliation Recent, but confusing and don’t know what to think.

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  • #72972

    CrimsonRose93
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1

    Hey new here, and there’s sure a lot of info to take in and consider. I recently was broken up with, on March 1st, and have not been in any contact for 3 full weeks at this time.

    Now trying to keep a really long story fairly brief. I’ve been with my now-ex since September 2011. So a five year relationship. There have been… physical issues on my end, which I think a lot of is anxiety and just general nervousness about being physical, but may be something like hypo-active sexual desire disorder. But anyway, right before Christmas we went to Mexico, which was a trip I couldn’t afford, so my girlfriend offered to pay my way. We had a blast, and finally “slept together”, but it didn’t really work for me. Figured performance anxiety. So we get back, I had some family stress, but relationship wise seemed alright. She was looking into buying a house with me this summer, which although nervous about it, I was on board. In February, she wanted to go to a hotel on the 14th, I counter offered going away for a weekend instead, but we didn’t do anything. We planned to go to the gym to get in better shape/healthier. But this is where the problems kinda started to be a bit more apparent.

    Now she got a job last June or so. She has gotten super close with one coworker. I used to jokingly tease here and there that maybe she wants to get together with him. She always said “no way” saying he’s too old, or not her type or whatever. Anyway, more recently she had been talking to him a TON on whatsapp. But just normal talking, nothing she would really hide. But I would be kind of ignored. One day we were going to play minecraft together because we were both wanting to. She wanted to check out his server really quick, then come play on mine. Well she never did, she just played on his. So I talked later about how that “wasn’t cool” or whatever, something like that. She got defensive and annoyed saying “don’t be jealous”.

    So I just kind of dismissed it, not really that worried about it. But a few weeks later when we talked about going to the gym, we were both wanting to go, and planned to one day. We both forgot or were busy with something else, I can’t remember. But less than a week later(this is around the 16th of Feburary) she said something like “I’m going to start going to the gym with Bob(stand in name)” and said how she knows I wont like it, etc etc. So me not wanting to make her mad, and not “be jealous”, kinda went along with with it. I didn’t want to limit her having friends. Anyway, fast forward a week or so, she decides to go to the gym with him on days we normally hang out. This really got to me, but once again I just kinda rolled with it. But I didn’t exactly take it gracefully over the next little while.

    Now this particular weekend I was in a workshop(for my career stuff). She went for lunch with him, then to his house. I picked her up and then we went to my hockey game. The next day I got home from the workshop, and finally we had a talk about how I was upset about all the gym stuff, and the related issues around it. She said “I didn’t seem to want to go”, despite telling her I wanted to. After a talk we were got over it. I apologized for not saying anything and acting like a jerk a few days about it. She apologized saying she mistreated me through it, but she didn’t want to stop going to not “let down her friend”. But we seemed to get over it, at least enough. But she was going to his house that night to watch a movie, which I kinda said “okay…”. Realizing how inappropriate it was, but once again not wanting to control her friends. This was 26th of February(Sunday).

    Now we hung out the Monday, and she was really tired and sleepy, so we didn’t really o much, just cuddled and watched Netflix most of the evening. Tuesday was okay as well, just talked online that day though. Wednesday she was talking all normal, came over, I took her to the chiropractor cause her back was sore. She was really hiding her phone though. She was acting a little strange, so I asked if she was okay, and she said she was fine. So we get home, comes into my room, closes the door. She looked a little upset, so I asked again if she was okay. She started crying and shook her head saying “we need to talk”. Now knowing what happened the past few weeks I asked “do you want to break up?”. She nodded, and left.

    Now that day, and the next day or two, I was talking to her a little just trying to get to know what happened. All I got was “it’s complicated”, “it’s nothing to do with me” , “it’s nothing to do with Bob”, and “I’ve been unhappy for years” and something to the effect of she was forcing herself to love me for the past 3 years. Bob just helped her realize it.

    Side note: Bob is single, and looking for a relationship

    3 weeks ago today, Mar 4th, I asked her to go for lunch or something to talk. She asked if it was to talk her out of it. I said no, just to talk. She refused saying she needs time/space. I got upset saying “5 years and I can’t even get a conversation” and she replied “I’ glad you respect me enough to give me my space”. It ended in me apologizing about saying that, and I’ll be around anytime she’s ready.

    Now some more interesting info. She started dating Bob for sure 2 weeks later, if not sooner. Now while a lot of this sounds like a rebound relationship, which it may be, this is and extremely similar situation to how we got together. She kinda “hopped” to me, I just resisted a lot. Now I found this out because we are in a group chat with a bunch of friends and she told all of them this.

    Now all I can think of, for reasons of why we broke up.
    1. The physical relationship was… not really that great.
    2. My anxiety/depression finally got in the way.
    3. I did have a “cheating” thing over a year ago, but she was talking to someone in a similar manner, and I had a ton of stress going on. I just stupidly dealt with it, but we moved past it, or so I thought.

    Because I don’t understand how we went from a great time in Mexico, looking at buying a house, and wanting to “go out” for Valentines. To broken up in 2 months.

    Now I’ve been told by her, and my parents, that I seemed/was more of a best friend than boyfriend. But I get literally no clarification on what I needed to change/work on. Other than the physical stuff.

    So while I see a lot of small things that maybe added up to the end. I don’t see how it never lead to a conversation, argument, fight anything. We always seemed okay. Even a friend said how she was looking forward to the future with me.

    Now I’m having a hard time moving past it so far just cause of the confusion. I know it’s still really soon. But just my personal situation, I didn’t really have anyone else. So in a bleak sense I lost a lot for a reason I don’t understand. And I don’t know if this is maybe a situation that will be recoverable or we can reconcile or what. It’s tough to tell without any talking whatsoever. I can only speculate about any problems that may or may not have been.

    TL:DR
    My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me. But paid for an expensive vacation, planned to buy a house with me in the past few months. Physical relationship wasn’t great. Is now with a coworker she was close with(but doesn’t seem her type). I have no solid concrete reason about the breakup. So having a hard time making sense of anything.

    Any thoughts, advice, anything really welcome. It’s a long and fairly conusing post, so I apologize for that and will clarify anything confusing.

    #72975

    mr_the_ex
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 111

    I don’t have any advice but it sounds like you were a really good partner in the relationship. No relationship is perfect. It sounds like she wants to try something else in life. Maybe giving her time to do that will make her realize what she lost.

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