Request to let go

@patricia12,

Thanks for taking the time to responsd to my post. I understand and accept what you are saying. Though it’s hard I will keep trying to stay hopeful. From your experience is it possible that no contact might still have an effect at this point? I turned my Facebook off a few years ago (meaning I never used during my past relationship). Would it be helpful for me to turn back on to post about my “new life”? And do you have any other advice as to what I could be doing to improve my chances?

Thanks again for the support and response.

C

@patricia12,

Thanks again for your reply. Is there a certain amount of time that would be considered healthy to continue holding hope? My reason for concern is that it’s now been 6 weeks since the breakup. In your experience talking/observing situations similar to this in past, have you seen reconciliation this long after a breakup?

C

@patricia12,

Before I begin, I apologize for any spelling or gramatical errors. I am writing this while at work and with limited time.

At this point it’s been 7 weeks since the breakup, and 10 days since the last correspondence from my ex. I’ve been respecting her wish for space and time and also trying to stay positive though self improvement and positive social activities. Without prompt one of our mutual friends reached out to my ex and asked how she was doing (in attempt get her to say she missed me or spark something), said he was sorry about our breakup, and that if she needed anything he and his wife would help. She responded with thanking them for reaching out even though they know they are friends with me, that yes we are broken up, that it’s been hard but that they’ve been staying busy, and that they are now training for a hardcore Triathalon (always did these but this event is particularly challenging).

A couple things:

1) I explained to my friend that though I appreciated him reaching out in attempt to rekindle something that he should not on my behalf. I also asked that he not update me on her activities or their discussions as it stirs my emotions and may cause further issues between me and my ex.
2) Does this new info change anything? When I heard I felt a lot of despair, but maybe I’m overreacting? Does the fact that they she is throwing herself into such a focused activity mean anything significant? Does this make my situation even worse and the probability that she will completely move on from me higher?

As Of last week I was offered a new job in my company whih woul be more creative and much less stress. The catch is that I hesitate because I feel that leaving town will completely remove any possibility of reconciliation. Am I overreacting? We had talked about moving before, but I was too scared to leave my comfort zone. My therapist told me that I should make the decision without consideration of my ex because they are currently not in my life, but that still doesn’t mean that I’m not stressing. I feel that a part of me is also considering taking it because I am really sad in my current life and that moving would force me to heal (running from problems). Another truth that is hard to write I that maybe by leaving the area she might see that I’m serious about change. I currently work in an extremely high pressure position with very long hours and this was a major source of issues in our relationship.

Do you have any thoughts/questions base on above? I apologize for the long post. I’m just really sad and trying to stay positive while holding onto my wish for reconciliation. Any words or thoughts or kindness you could share would be grealtly appreciated.

C

@patricia12,

Thanks again for the response and for being willing to continue sharing your guidance. Having someone out there to talk with has helped bring down my emotions and help me think clearer.

The new position is a 7 hour car ride from my current location and in a major city (versus my current “large town”). In the event that I left I would need to find a new place to live. Do you feel that by leaving I would be closing the door on my past relationship? I am speaking with the hiring manager again today, and he will be giving me the final offer package, date range for when I need to give an answer, and also the proposed start date. I’m thinking I’ll only have a couple weeks at most to decide, and I’m scared that I’ll take it in attempt to try and get back, and also that I might not take it to try and get her back. I understand that I shouldn’t make the decision based on her and am trying to stay pragmatic, however as I write this admit that I’m struggling.

In regard to my ex, to clarify I don’t believe that she has any mental issues. If I left that impression with you it’s most likely due to my framing of the situation and lack of shared detail. To my knowledge, she only started seeing the counselor after our breakup. I also understand that there is possibility that I am looking through “rose colored glasses”, however I can’t seem to think of any indicators that she has a serious mental issue.

I’m trying to do new things in attempt to give myself new perspective, but so far I have only felt worse. I took a woman out on a “group” date yesterday, and though she has many great characteristics it just didn’t feel right. We had genuine discussion, danced, laughed, etc. but at the end of the night I only wanted to go home and see/speak to my ex (which I understand I can’t do and won’t attempt given the last message from her). For the short term I will keep my interactions with women friendly only, and be clear if they push for more that I am not ready for any form of relationship.

I will continue NC and hope for the best.

C

To those of you looking for insight into another’s experience to gain perspective:

Currently at 9 weeks since breakup, 4 weeks since no contact. I believe I saw my ex out randomly 1x but no contact. This threw me for an emotional loop, but I have since “restabized” after a few days. Things I have done that have made me happier and reduced my sadness:

– Spent time with family and friends
– Seen a trained professional therapist
– Hung out with new circles of people without engaging advances by other women (keeping friends only)
– Taken up a new hobby (instrument)
– Personally started a volunteer organization with close friends and family
– Regular exercise, nutrition, sleep patterns
– Abstained from drinking alcohol

Out of all of these items starting the volunteer group has been the most helpful. Not only have I felt rewarded from a genuine act (without social media self promotion), I have created a much deeper relationship with my family and friends. They seem to have all benefited from this newfound sense of community, something that I felt was lacking. Another thing is that though it has been tough to hang with some people who do drink (peer pressure), by my staying true to myself I have felt a new sense of accomplishment. Nothing wrong with drinking or those who do, but I feel better knowing that I’m now doing what I want and not giving into this social pressure anymore.

I will continue updating this post to give updates into how my life progresses until the point of moving on or reconciliation. I still deeply “hold the wish” that my ex will return, however I will continue to respect their request for space and time away from me. I truly believe that I am now on the right path, and whatever happens next will be the best for me as it is unforced and natural.

I thank you patricia12 and all other contributors to sites like this, and ask that you keep posting if possible and offering guidance/support. Your feedback has continues to help me especially in my time of emotional turmoil. I wish all of you reading this who are struggling inner peace and happiness.

C