My story: 8 years dating and broke up

Hello everyone,

Everyone’s story is unique. I’ve read a lot of different websites including Kevin’s about what to do and while most of the tips applied to me, there’s still a lot of questions. So here’s my story.

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up 7 months ago (we’re in our late 20’s, by the way). It was a mutual breakup. Although, it seemed like it was more so initiated by her due to the fact I wasn’t ready for marriage. She was ready to settle down and get married- I was not. So, we broke it off. It was very non-confrontational. There was crying on both sides, but it was a fairly smooth break up and amicable.

The first month or so after the break up we had very little contact. After that, in month 2 or 3, we’d text on and off a little more and we actually went out for lunch and dinner a few times. Kept it cordial. We missed each other (which explains the meet ups), but we knew we were broken up. I still think she would have taken me back during these initial months, but I was too back and forth mentally and didn’t know what I wanted. We never talked about directly getting back together during this phase, but we always spoke about the possibly or the off-chance of it happening in the future.

After the third month of being broke up I was still back and forth. But this time I started getting insecure. I’d send the occasional needy and desperate text and then I would ask about getting back together and she would constantly say “I don’t know” or “I need time to move on and I can’t do that if I’m still talking to you”. She told me if she had this realization, she’d call me. She told me not to wait around and to live my life.

During August and September I became really busy. Nothing particularly noteworthy other than she knew I wanted to get back together. We texted very infrequently. No meet-ups and no phone conversations. But during this time, I attended some weddings, went on dates with 3 different women, started going out more with friends and just gaining a better perspective on life.
Then, I had an epiphany of sorts. I wised up and realized I was ready to settle down and that I wanted to live the rest of my life with my ex. It couldn’t be more crystal clear. So after I realized this, I started no contact. I had ZERO contact for 3 weeks and started following some of the rules and standards Kevin has listed.

When the time came, I texted her out of the blue trying to initiate first contact. I sent her a good first text reminiscing about a photo I came across as I was throwing out some things in my house. I got her on the phone that night (mistake) and we talked for almost 2 hours (mistake I know). We both admitted our connection with each other, that we love each other, still think highly of each with no ill will, etc… I made the mistake of telling her I’m ready as ever and I would wait for her if I had to. It was a very emotional phone call; lots of laughing, crying and good conversation. We still had a great connection. We talked about EVERYTHING; she even said her dating life was terrible- she had trouble making connections with the people she was out with.

The next day I learned from her Mom (who I still get along with very well) that my ex told her that she would “probably get back together with me”. This conversation that my and ex and her mom had was after my text but before my emotional conversation with my ex.

After that, for the next 4 days I was casually texting her and being very positive and upbeat. She didn’t know that I knew about her saying that to her Mom. Although, the success didn’t last. I was shut down. She told me the same things as before, that she didn’t know what she wanted and that she needed to move on and that if happiness was with me, she would let me know with that phone call.

So it’s back to no contact. It’s been almost a month and I’m starting to plan another text to initiate first contact. And here’s where the uniqueness of my story comes in… If you haven’t noticed, my ex is very indecisive and of course, she’s not thinking logically about everything right now. For example, we’re at the age now EVERYONE is getting married so that’s what she’s looking for. What’s frustrating is she could get back with me and marry me within months or less (someone she has a connection and love with) or continue down the path of dating for who knows how long and bank on getting married in a reasonable amount of time; not to mention the tall task of finding someone with a connection like we had (she’s even admitted this). I’m positive she’s not seeing or dating anyone right now. So what do I do? How should I approach my first contact differently this time? Any sort of analysis before I start my first contact? I feel like I have a lot on my side but my ex is indecisive, stubborn and too proud I think to just run back to me. Plus, I can’t make her make a decision. So what would making contact even do to help with her decision making?

Sorry about the length of this, but we dated for a very long time and have been broken up for quite some time; lots of details with the story.

Thanks so much everyone