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My ex and I have been dating for almost 3 years. He broke up with me once because he needed to get his life together and make money and grow on his own. I did no contact for 2 weeks and he came back and our relationship was back again. Our relationship was great. He wanted to see me everyday and after work, he wanted to spend a lot of time with me without me asking. He even started talking about us moving out and having our life together. He took me apt shopping and we started getting ideas of where we wanted to go. Just a couple of days ago we were having our normal outings. That night I found out from my sisters friend that he had a profile on plenty of fish but it was deleted. I confronted him about it and he told me it was him being on only for “entertainment” just for two days. He never wanted to cheat or intended to ever cheat was his words. He admitted what he did was wrong and he didn’t find it acceptable that he did that. But I know he didn’t cheat bc he showed no signs of cheating. He always wanted to see me everyday and he was always texting me good morning and he was taking good care of me and showing me so much love and bringing up our future. But anyways after the confrontation I did tell him what did I do to deserve that do you still love me and are you still attracted to me? He said he still was and he still loved me. Then I asked him if he wanted to still be in a relationship. He said no, not because of the profile bc he wanted to go himself and he was tired of being a bum and he wanted to better himself and grow. (Same reason as the first breakup). I went to his sisters wedding this last weekend and he said that he was scared after that day bc he saw everything was moving fast. The family loved me and his dad told everyone I was his daughter in law and his sister said I was his sis in law. His aunts loved me too. I was very lost after he told me all this and he just flipped on me and started acting cold, short answering, and just doesn’t answer as if I am a stranger. I’ve been in heavy pain since the breakup 2 nights ago. I haven’t eaten and I have been really depressed. I really want him back and want everything to be normal again. I tried to ask him If there is a future or chance I will ever see him again and he answered saying he doesn’t want this anymore and he has to focus on himself and told me this wasn’t easy for him. I just want to know if it looks like there is still a chance 🙁
I understand your pain after the breakup, but please take care of yourself. The fact that he broke up with you once before due to wanting to get his life together and now he does it again with the same reason, tells me he’s confused and doesn’t feel his life is in order for some reason? He joined a dating site and then told you it was for entertainment purposes is suspicious. You need to go full no contact for at least a month or more and let him miss you and give him time to rethink things. I think there’s a chance he will contact you, but don’t jump back in. If he’s willing, there needs to be a conversation about why he thinks his life is out of order, what he intends to do about it, what other things he thinks went wrong in the relationship, and if he wants to try together to find ways to make each other happy. Don’t see him everyday!! Have him take you out on dates to court you again slowly over time.
I’m wondering if he is very young and doesn’t have a specific career path? What do you think he meant by “getting his life together”? Try to divert your attention to other things for now and enjoy visits with family and friends. Do things you enjoy. Try not to obsess about him and take it one day at a time. I wish you much luck.
When he got back with me the first time we lasted 2 years. He is in real estate just like me and he just renewed his license and he’s trying to get back in it and he’s upset bc he doesn’t have a place and he doesn’t have money coming in and he wants him time. We are both 25 years old. I tried to tell him do your thing and we can do this together but he’s been slacking. He was always wanting to see me and spend time with me and always wanting to take care of me. He’s did so much for me and showed me a lot of love and care. All of a sudden after the wedding he snaps and he says it scared him that everything was set in stone. I did send the messages to his sister and she thinks he means that he sees everything moving too fast but he’s not ready money wise to move forward and wants to get his life together and be settled with his real estate. It’s just shocking to me how he flipped on me in seconds when the same day we just went out and he did mention moving out together and he always mentioned kids and living together. Why would he dump me and act cold is that even normal? I’m so confused by all this we had everything planned. I feel in my heart our chapter isn’t over.
And thank you for your response and luck on the situation. I need it. It’s only been 2 days of no contact and I truly miss him.
He doesn’t have a place? Where is he living? Most men want to be able to provide financially for a wife and family. Otherwise, they feel incompetent and sad..like a failure. It sounds like he’s not financially stable at this time. Regarding his comment after the wedding that “everything was set in stone”. What else would he think a marriage is.. he had talked with you about marriage and children, so that comment is confusing. Two years is not moving too fast and that confuses me too. Maybe he dumped and acts cold due to his feeling sad and guilty about his situation with finances. The flip seemed sudden, but maybe he’s been feeling inadequate for quite some time and the wedding reinforced that a marriage commitment is a very serious matter. Don’t contact his family very much. Give him a few months to sort things out, to make some money, and to feel better about himself. I know you miss him, but don’t give up hope yet..
I agree Patricia. So you think I should be worried about the dating app he made a while ago? Yah he is very confusing I feel. I can’t wait until this nightmare is over and everything goes back to normal. I know we had a cruise June 2nd should I just cancel the whole thing or wait until the end of the month and try to contact him?
And he lives with his parents right now. They have everything there for him and he wanted a place with me but later on in time. I remember he mentioned during the break up that he told me to wait and everything would happen and come into place but he felt rushed with me. But he’s the one that kept bringing the apartments up and talking about moving out by himself which is extremely confusing. And I told him to please not break it off and talk to me about going slow but he just still went on with cutting me off. I just don’t get it. It’s like something controlled him to keep going on with the break up and he didn’t want to work it out together.
It’s strange he would prefer to break up instead of going through the ups and downs of life with you! Making future plans together and then dumping you must be heartbreaking. His style and approach to difficulties is the exact opposite of yours. Sad to say, but this might be a predictor of how he would treat you in the future. Remember, he broke up with you in the past, so he has a track record of hurting you. If he gets back with you, and he mentions looking for apartments, gently say “Let’s not talk about that now”. It would probably be best to cancel the trip now. But it would be okay to wait and see what happens in the next couple of weeks.. DON’T contact him for awhile! I read your other post from 2016 and he mentioned he wanted to be alone. I wish he considered you as a partner who would be glad to ride out the tough times with him and that he would WANT you by his side! Take care of yourself and I wish you the best no matter what happens..
Yes I understand. He kept saying this was his first real relationship so he wanted everything to go slow bc he was still trying to figure everything out and trying to figure out the balance between me and developing himself. I believe that he just saw me as a distraction bc even if I said you do your thing he just still wants to spend lots of time with me and stick to me whenever he’s free. And I know he is very stubborn so even if his parents told him that he would just want to stick with his own ways. He would never take advice from anyone on how to do things the right way. And I know he has pride too. All I can do is just wait and have him miss everything we had and realize what he did. Thank you Patricia I wish the best on this confusion as well. Never thought I would be back on this site again. Such a nightmare.
Maybe he feels he’s young and hasn’t had enough experience dating various women. The phrase “sowing wild oats” comes to mind and I think it applies more to men. Maybe it’s more difficult for him to know what he wants until he’s had the opportunity to date others in order to find out what he doesn’t want. Maybe he doesn’t want to be tied to one woman yet. At any rate, please keep us posted as to what happens..
That could be a possibility but I did ask his sister about that and when she saw the texts he she said he was being legit about the wanting to make money and grow. And he has dated around many girls before me and he had a long relationship back in hs. But I was just his first real one outside. He also told his parents the girl I bring home she is the one for me. And I was the only girl he ever introduced to his parents. I found out he didn’t even tell his parents about the break up yet according to his sister. She just got married and lives outside the house but all the news goes to her and him and his sister don’t have a really good relationship (long story). But that is why I was thinking he got freaked out because of his situation. His dad even kept calling me his daughter in law saying I was next to get married and I was laughing with my boyfriend about it and his eyes widened jokingly like “oh crap already” look. Now that I think about it I think everything sounded quick to him at the wedding and it scared him.
I feel Patricia’s advice of going no contact for some time is entirely correct. Not just for trying to fix the relationship but for you, yourself.
It seems like he takes you for granted. He can break up with you and then make one call and you come back to him, no matter what he did or how he acts. And because of that, he ends up doing whatever he feels like at the time. You are worth more than that.
He signed up for plenty of fish because he wanted to go out with someone else. No guy does that just for entertainment. He either wanted an affair on the side or wanted to find someone else to go out with after breaking up with you.
If a relationship with him is going to work, it can’t be one-sided. It can’t be a relationship where he can leave multiple times and you keep going back to him without him changing.
My advice would be to go no contact for a month, work on making yourself happy without him and then revisiting everything in a month. The fact that you aren’t eating properly shows how painful this is for you. You are not alone, many of us have been in the same place. It is hard to do anything and hard to focus. But it does get a little better every day, it is just really hard to see it. Just a tiny bit better every day.
Any way this turns out, I wish you the best.
Thanks for your responses. He contacted me asking me to forgive him take him back and he was apologizing and he said he wanted his baby back. And he told me how he just wants everything to go slow and he felt in the wedding everything was just moving quick for him. He also mentioned how depressed he was and he couldn’t even eat sleep or focus on anything. I just told him you can’t just leave me like that you need to talk to me and tell me what’s on your mind and work things out. And I told him also about the profile and he said he just wanted to get some attention bc he’s been working out and he said he wasn’t in the right mindset when he did that crap. But he just said one girl messaged him and it was just short 3 message convo and he just got off and didn’t want to proceed further with the conversation bc he felt satisfied after that small acknowledgement. He compared it to one of our friends when he told us that when him and his girl were on a cruise he just went in front of his gf to the bar on the cruise and started talking to some lady just to be acknowledged and left after a short convo. It’s hard to explain over message but yes he said that it was kinda like our friends situation except not face to face like our friend did. Long story short I told him he doesn’t need to be making profiles as I never felt I needed to. And he said he would never even think of doing that again and it was just a stupid weak moment he had. Anyways we are back together but I’m going to talk to him about everything tomorrow and we will talk about financials and all that as well and to get his real estate going. Ugh this was crazy and it was a nightmare. Thank you both for being there and messaging me. The convos helped me get through this a lot.
I’m glad you’re back together:) I pray all goes well and wish the very best for both of you!
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