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Boards Reconciliation What is he really thinking?????

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  • #72970

    Brokenheart23
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2

    Hi Kevin and everyone,

    My ex broke up with me a 6 days ago. I am 26 and he is 34. We start dating since last year Feb, but he didnt officially asked me to be his gf until Aug, because he said that he needs to get to know someone for at least 6 month before deciding if he will pursue for long term, which I understand and I am an introvert and this is my first serious relationship, so it also takes me a long time to get used to him. So we have the intention of making our relationship long term when we first got together.

    During the time that we are together, we never have any fights, we always talk things out, and even if he goes out with his female friend, i don’t get jealous because I trust and respect him and Im the type of person who doesnt believe that you can control a person to make them stay. I did express that I will never be happy that he goes out with a female friend, but since he had a bad experience with an EX getting too controlling to him, he will never compromise his boundary anymore, and I respect him for that, and to be honest, if he wants to cheat, he will cheat no matter what I do. This is probably the only time we had an argument, and it wasn’t really an argument.

    We went to Mexico a week prior the breakup and everything was wonderful. Since we came back, one day i just had a sudden feeling that he is going to break up with me but it’s not like he did anything, we were fine. Of course now I think back, I could tell something was off, one day when we were texting, I jokingly complained that he doesnt share his life with me anymore like he used to, like when he send pictures or funny things on instagram etc. He replied “maybe? i have been so busy with work, and when im not working, I play games and poker with friends” I said, I always tell you what happens in my daily life, and if i dont ask you, you don’t even bring it up, it’s like im the only one trying.. and thats when he said he didn’t notice that and he needs to take a step back and think about all of these, afterwards, he said it’s best we talk in person. That’s when I know it’s over.

    I went to his house the next day, and we chatted for about an hour, he was calm all the way, he said that we are very different, we dont really have anything in common, and he doesnt see himself with me in long term. I asked so when we first got together, you don’t see yourself with me long term? hes like no, but i give us a chance, and we tried, but I don’t think we will work out. i said to him in my opinion, long term means when we have a problem, we work on it together and not just give up and throw it away, which he replied saying it depends on what the issue is. Basically he thinks that whatever he thinks it’s not working out with me, like common interest, it’s just an excuse. He’s just not that into me anymore that’s why he wants to leave. He also said that he is so busy with work, right now my life is just super stressed, and then de-stress with game and friends. He also said that im not like any of his Exes, we never fight, I was mellow, i gave him so much space, and i was mature. (All his exes are psychos according to him, his previous ex before me had a huge jealousy issue that caused the relationship to end)I thought what I was doing is what a man needs, apparently not….i did not beg him to give us another chance, I thanked him for giving a wonderful first relationship experience, i still love him as a person, he is such a wonderful human being and i am glad I did this with him. After that, it’s mostly I asked him a question and he answers, even though he said it wasnt an easy decision for him to make, I find it hard to believe because he looks so distance and emotion less. I know he did this for me because I needed closure and he told me if he was my age right now, he would not have this talk with me and just let me become unreasonable and do something stupid and he will blow up and leave me. He also doesn’t want to wait till his work slows down to think about our future, because by then it might hurt me more.

    Before i leave, he said that if i ever needed to talk, i can still talk to him. I told him if I do please don’t reply, just cut all ties with me and just be cruel with me because that’s the only way I will get over him. It’s been 6 days, and i haven’t broke the NC rule. I have been so miserable since then, I know this is part of life, but why is it so difficult!! some days i find myself feeling good, some days I just want to drown myself in sorrow, but I still manage not to contact him. it’s so hard to adjust the life without him. At times, it’s really hard that I just keep thinking that he’s free now, he’s probably enjoy the time of his life. He is very private, he never post anything on instagram or facebook. Even if i want to stalk him, theres not much to stalk. I know for sure he won’t contact me because i feel like after he stopped caring, he doesnt want anything to do with me, and the thought of that just eating me alive. Also because his previous relationship ended so badly, i just cant stop think if i was a rebound too. since me and his ex are like the complete opposite. i also asked him if he ever wanted to marry any of his exes, he said maybe the one before me, but they have other differences that is hard to overlook like religion, so he knows that in long run it won’t work out between them.

    Can anyone tell me in my situation, what is he really thinking? i am trying really hard to work on myself at the moment. in one of your article you said the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference, right now, that’s how I think he feels towards me, NOTHING.

    Thank you all for reading!

    #72976

    mr_the_ex
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 33

    Here’s my two cents. First, I see it as a red flag when someone says “all my exes were psychos”. I don’t want to say it.. but if that is how he describes all his previous girlfriends, you can imagine he’ll be saying the same about you.

    You sound like you care really deeply and it is unfortunate this was your first serious relationship because I think if you were with a decent guy, you would have had a long, lasting, happy relationship. A relationship requires good communication and when there are issues, both people have to work on fixing things.

    In this case, you seem to be good at both but he doesn’t seem like he is willing to do anything close to the same. He likes to go out with other women and keep secretive relationships. It sounds like he didn’t care about you like you cared about him.

    Why did he not care? Because sometimes people just don’t. I’ve known a lot of guys who just jump from relationship to relationship because they can. They stay with someone until it seems like it is going to get serious and then they just move on to someone else. And I think your gut instinct is right that he isn’t really thinking about you.

    There’s one good thing, though. There are lots of guys out there that care like you do and that are willing to work on relationships like you do. When you find that person, you are going to be so happy. So, the best thing is, your outlook just isn’t good, it is great and it is good you found this out rather quickly and it didn’t go on for years.

    In my humble opinion, he might want a relationship with you again if he gets bored between other girlfriends. You’ll have to decide whether you are willing to do that given there doesn’t seem to be a long term future with this guy. I know it is so difficult, especially since it has only been 6 days.

    #73167

    Brokenheart23
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2

    Hi Mr. Ex,

    Thank you for your post 🙂 it gave me a different perspective.

    it has been exactly one month since the breakup, and I have to say I am doing really well. The first 2-3 weeks are very hard, the emotions are going up and down all the time. Sometimes I feel I am doing really well, some days I just miss him so bad I cant concentrate on anything else.

    I am so glad I have a group of really good friends and parents who are so understanding and help me so much to get through this. Even though the first two weeks I couldn’t really hang out in public because every time they bring up the topic i would not be able to stop my tears. But now, I am here typing this feeling at peace with myself and without feeling too much about it.

    At this moment, I don’t want him back anymore, I think this past month really helped re-evaluate our relationship for what it is, instead of waht i think it is. And what it is is not what i want for the rest of my life. and that is ok, because I am now free to search for what i want, the possibilities are endless, and i am really confident that i want find someone that is good for me, who value me and likes me for who i am and respect me and wants to commit with me. He is not wrong for breaking up with me, because maybe i am not waht he wanted, and that is ok, he is entitled to have the freedom to find the person that is good for him. We are just not a good match.

    This site has helped me tremendously, for the first week, i come here and read other people’s stories to remind myself that i am not alone, i am not the only one who feels lost, insecure and betrayed. As time goes by, each day it gets a bit better. Also, no contact is extremely important, there will be times that i really want to contact him, but i will always tell my friends who will calm me down and talk to me so im distracted and don’t feel lonely. He never contacted me as well which i think it’s a good thing because i can focus on getting over him. There are times where i feel so sad that he never contacted me, but then i always try to remind myself that losing me is his loss, I am such an awesome person, if he cant see that, why should i hang on to someone who cant appreciate my goodness.

    i did have a really bad breakdown at work that i was hiding in the washroom texting my friends while i cry like a baby. My friend reminded me that i was too eager to get over him that im not allowing myself to grief, and i would get mad at myself whenever I think of him too much and being really harsh on myself. After that, i really try to let myself slow down. if I think of him, i will acknowledge that and then I will try to think of something else, if i miss him, i will acknowledge the thought and move on instead of keep thinking why cant i just stop thinking about him, and that makes me more depressed.

    This past month, i have been going to my kickboxing and yoga classes. even though tehy said yoga is good, for me yoga was a torture, because i have bad memory. in silence, sometimes the good memories just keep popping up in my head and remind me the things that we did together, how much fun we had… kickboxing helped alot though, just keep thinking the dummy is the ex and punch the hell out of it and feels good after it. hahah Also, I have been reading alot again, painting and puzzle. All of it are helpful to distract myself and become more content with myself and spending time with myself again. i have also went on vacation with my parents ( this was planned before the breakup) i think if anyone out there is going through it and has a chance, go on a road trip or vacation, it really does help. i think going on a road trip with friends really helps, nature really helps lift up the spirit and reminds you that there are so many things going on in the world if you just go out there and experience, and in front of nature, you and your problems will look so small and irrelevant.

    Time really do heals everything, I wouldn’t say i am completely over him, but i am making progress, which i am really happy about. The episodes of feeling lonely and sad comes shorter and less frequent. If i have any advice to people out there going through this. i would say first the NC period really works, but you have to be cruel with yourself. do whatever you want but please dont contact the person because there is nothing good coming out of that, it will just take you back to day 1. Also, if you want distractions, find something that is challenging. that will really take your mind out of the breakup. because one of the things i complain to my friend is i am doing all those things but I still find myself thinking about him. My friend pointed out that it’s because the task is not challenging enough. your mind is not focusing on the task. if the task is challenging, you will have no time to think about anything else, and you will feel so accomplished afterwards.

    Sorry I am all over the place with my writing… I hope whoever is reading this will find it somewhat helpful, and even though I don’t want my ex back anymore because i truly feel that i will find someone who i don’t have to fight to be with me, who will want to stay willingly, and that is the man i am looking for. if you do want your ex back, good luck to all of you and follow this plan i think it’s really good but only if you stick to it.

    i wish everyone will be happy whether or not they get their ex back:)

    Happy Sunday!

    No longer brokenheart23

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