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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

However, for those of you that don’t like reading too much, here’s a shorter version of the article. (Although, it is highly recommended that you read this entire article and the comment section. It will change the way you see your breakup and will give you a very detailed plan to follow. You will also find thousands of stories you can relate to in the comment section.)

How to Get Your Ex Back (Shorter Version)

  1. To get your ex back, you must not make any of the deadly mistakes that make you look needy or desperate.
  2. Once you stop those mistakes, begin no contact. Stop all communications with your ex unless it’s absolutely necessary and unavoidable.
  3. Become You Version 2.0. Take a step back and reassess everything. Work on becoming happier and more confident.
  4. Once no contact is over, get back in touch with your ex. If you do it correctly, he/she will be blown away seeing the new and improved version of yourself.
  5. Take things slowly and rebuild attraction, connection and trust with your ex. Keep doing it until your ex decides they want to get back together. Before you begin no contact take this short quiz to find out your chances of getting back together.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat_begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

 

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why do no contact?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

 

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find it in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on using texts messages to get your ex back.)

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like ”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques aka EBP Basics

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series. I call this email series EBP Basics.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

How To Gain Access?

Just go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get EBP Basics for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)

 

If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

8245 comments… add one
  • jake September 21, 2014, 6:08 am

    Dear Kevin ,

    I’ve posted a comment earlier but it’s not showing up on the website …

    Since then my situation has changed , i applied no contact for about a week and my ex instant messaged (whatsapp) me saying : i love you . It’s so hard not to talk to you . I hope you’re having a good weekend . I replied , saying i love her too but i jokingly said : you couldn’t just say how are you , in an effort to lighten up the conversation .We talked for a bit and it was fun she made some references to the future :when i see you again then blabla . But the only serious statement she made was : i want to be with you but there’s too much going on in my head .

    I know this statement usually means that she still can’t commit herself and it’s likely she still misses me and just can’t go cold turkey with me when it comes to no contact . Or she just wanted her ego to be stroked .

    The funny thing is that i follow her on tumblr (she doesn’t know this) and i could just tell how much she was hurting the past week , posting things like : can i tell you a secret i still love you , missing you comes in waves tonight i’m drowning , i’m sorry i pushed you away , i’m scared of you breaking my heart etc .

    I really don’t know what to do , i really wanna play it cool and just keep it light and build attraction . But i’m scared she ‘ s gonna string me along again , like the past 2 months before no contact . But if i say i need more space , i’m scared she’ll really move on this time .

    Because essentially nothing has changed , she loves me but she has too many issues . She has been depressed for the past 2 months , barely leaving her house , not really talking to friends , let alone meeting them . Not your typical :i need space and then goes out to flirt with tons of guys to see if there’s anybody better out there.

    Should i initiate a friendly meeting later this week and in the meanwhile keep talking and building attraction or say :nothing has changed , let’s give eachother some more time to think .

    Thanks in advance !

    • Kevin September 23, 2014, 6:14 am

      Hey,

      Since you’ve been trying the same thing for the past 2 months, I think it’ll be a better idea to tell her you need space and time and do no contact.

  • Mia September 21, 2014, 11:29 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I found your page a little too late.
    My ex broke up with me about 5 weeks ago, because I wasn’t making him happy anymore, he was feeling tired and exhausted during and after a period of time where I suffered from depression. While I was having my depression we talked about how our relationship wasn’t really working, but that we would give it a try for three months once I was better, so our judgment could be made based on 6 months, when I wasn’t sick. Two weeks after I was starting to get better we broke up, because he was unhappy with our relationship. We were together for 2 years and lived together.
    When we broke up I kind of had a fall back and I called him once, trying to get him to chance his mind. After a week at my parents, where we had almost no contact, we started chatting and talking again very casually and jokingly almost every day. He came by to pick up some stuff three weeks after our break-up and we slept together. One week later he was hungover and gave me an open invitation, which I declined. I’m increasingly feeling better and I’m starting to enjoy time with myself, spend time with my friends, exercise etc.
    I really want him back, because I think that we are right for each other. I don’t think he wants me back yet. I’m basically doing most of what you’re recommending: giving myself time to heal, doing things I love, I’m hoping to go on a date next week, spending time with friends etc. The only thing I haven’t done is the no contact, since we keep writing to each other about practical things (apartment sharing, money transfers etc) and then that turns into a causal chat. I’ve tried to let him know that I don’t want any contact, but then there’s always something that gets us talking again. Where should I go from here? I’m guessing that I should really try to do no contact for a month, but am I too late?

    • Kevin September 22, 2014, 9:50 am

      You should do no contact. You are not late. It’s OK to talk about practical things if it’s necessary but don’t let it turn to casual chat.

  • Spencer September 21, 2014, 12:18 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    What do I do if she is with another guy after 30 days? Do I still contact her or wait until they break up.

    • Kevin September 22, 2014, 9:50 am

      Still contact her.

  • Anonymous September 21, 2014, 12:31 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I read through your steps and I think that it does make sense; however the most important thing is like you say, don’t expect a guarantee to get back together.

    To tell you the truth I am probably much too late to be following your advice, it’s been about just over a year and a half that the breakup happened…we were engaged and she decided we weren’t actually compatible a couple of months after she had said yes to the proposal. We had our fair share of disagreements and arguments but I never saw any show stoppers to the relationship, I guess that wasn’t the case for her.

    Nonetheless, I am kind of stuck in a rut because I still think of her constantly and keep looking for photos of her on social media (I’ve cut ties to her completely to try and help myself move on I but still go snooping around to find out news about her). She is currently seeing someone and so it just seems less and less likely that there could ever be some sort of re connection….The only thing that keeps me holding on is that I still see that she has some vacation photos posted of when we were together, although the pictures are just of her (I am not in them, but I am the one who took the photos)

    Anyways, just wanted to know what your point of view was on this particular situation. I’ve heard of ex’s getting back together after years of doing there own thing. Just not sure whether reaching out to her one day actually makes sense…Thanks…

    • Kevin September 22, 2014, 9:52 am

      Hey,

      Well, I think you should reach out to her. Even if things don’t work out, at least you tried and it might just give you closure.

  • Sarah September 21, 2014, 4:24 pm

    Kevin,

    Thank you for your articles. I have a story about getting back together with my ex successfully — after 30 years! We seemed to use most of your techniques intuitively, both after our breakup back then and later when we got back together. Now I kind of wonder whether he wanted me back and found this article. LOL. We are happily back together after a year of seeing each other. This is no flash in the pan. We are talking about staying together forever.

    A couple of cautions for your readers, however. I broke up with him. I did not want to lose our friendship, so I decided to give us time for the romantic/sexual ardor to cool down before trying to be platonic friends. I don’t recall whether I told him this before or after our no contact period, but I did explain it. I was not trying to get him back though honestly I would have been open to it.

    The danger was that 3 months into what turned out to be our 6 month no contact period, I met the man who would become my husband. So it is not always true that both parties will not meet someone else significant during the no contact period. As I had already agonized over my decision to break up for months, I had already mentally moved on. I did not need a long no contact period to be ready to meet someone new.

    Maybe our no contact period was too long, but we went back and forth about resuming our relationship with a shorter no contact period. It became clear to me that it had to be longer. I think the more two people really care about someone, the longer the no contact period has to be. Feelings run high. You could say a long no contact period means you really weren’t right for each other and the breakup will be final. Although our breakup was final (kind of), our current relationship suggests we were right for each other and we did care. He tried after the 6 months to get me back, and it was a very close thing, but ultimately failed.

    I think one success key to getting back together is to understand the bigger assumptions about what a relationship means to each of you and what you want and expect in it. Maybe explicitly discuss needs that are not being met, and how they could be met. That would have helped us back then, and has helped us now, even taking on the biggies that are scary to discuss. They are worse left alone, festering. So, in our case, it was helpful, after re-establishing an attraction, to go over old ground and understand what went wrong and how to make them better. If things really are wrong, can they be solved? Many times, the problems are more miscommunication leading to misunderstanding leading to resentment. A good talk can clear that right up and renew care and love.

    As for reestablishing contact, I was the one who emailed him first (when we were both divorced for years). As the one who ended the relationship, first by breaking up, and then by marrying, I don’t think he would have contacted me. We went back and forth a few months apart on email, then had the occasional call, then many calls, then physically met again. I did not text at that time, so that was not an option, though we do now. This type of escalation of intimacy of contact allowed attraction to form again while we both had time to think separately.

    If it is meant to be, it will be.

    Sarah

    • Kevin September 22, 2014, 9:57 am

      That’s an incredible story. Thank you so much for sharing it with the rest of us. I wish you best for your new relationship with your ex.

  • Darneisha Powe September 21, 2014, 10:04 pm

    Hi my name is Darneisha. My boyfriend broke up with me officially yesterday. A week ago he wasn’t answering my calls or responding to my texts. He would just look at my Facebook messages n not reply. I’ve constantly asked him what’s wrong. I blew up him up which I think is part of the reason he strayed away from me. :(. He finally told me he just needed some space,he’s going through a lot and accused me of not being pregnant withhis baby which I was after we had the abortion n said that the abortion wehad was really hard for him. I expressed my feelings n he told me it hurt him but he loves me so much. Afew days later he came over n we sat in the car n he told me its over n y should we keep going through this pain n let’s at least be friends first n progress into a relationship n I was fine with that. He just has been very concerned because he feels he’s Sharingme with my child’s father because me n my child’s father have a baby together n he’s expressed how’s it a big difference with his daughters being much older n my son being so young. I think he doesn’t trust me n that’s n
    ot the case. I love him n only him. Me n my child’s father are just parenting that’s it! After that I’ve texted him 24/7 which I should have never done n I should have given him time instead of being desperate. Wehave been going through a lot in our relationship n we both felt its time to have space. He’s told me to calm down n I couldn’t because I love him. Ever since he’s ignored me completely n texted me a day ago saying he’s done,he doesn’t care n he doesn’t want me n he actually wished he never met me n pray I stay out of hislif n I’m like where is all of this coming from! He’s been very mean. Idk what’s wrong with him but I think I just need to follow your rules. I haven’t contacted him all day so. I’m just trying to get advice.

    • Eddie September 23, 2014, 12:44 am

      You can’t force someone to feel something they don’t. You should move on because you deserve better

    • redrose September 23, 2014, 8:50 pm

      so sad,my story is different but same same situation

  • lynnwrigley September 22, 2014, 10:23 am

    It’s Day 25. I thought about what you said Kevin via if I can trust him again. And I am not sure. Regardless, his birthday is this Thursday which is near the end of our 30 days of No Contact. The No Contact period is going by quickly actually and I see the health benefit of it. I get your approach now and I see why it is a success regardless if you get your ex back or not. I have spend the NC time resting – healing my heart – and I am now coming up for air. I have gotten a new haircut (smile) and I need a lot more time to heal but I am finally taking care of me.

    Should I text him on his birthday or just leave it to the full 30 days (it will be 28 days on his birthday).

    I am starting to realize that regardless of what happens, I will be ok. And I believe that is one major aspect to your 5-Step Plan so thank you! I am glad I am following through.

    • Kevin September 22, 2014, 10:39 am

      You can text him on his birthday. All the best.

  • joy September 22, 2014, 1:11 pm

    This is really great advices, i broke up last sept 15,2014 ,my first 3 days was miserable, but when I questioned myself is he worth living I mean why is so easy for him to let me go if he really love me. at first yes everything in the rules ,I did that, funny but yes, but I didn’t get any answer from him,yes your right with that. Every time I texted him,.no reply,when I called he,he answered me with a cold voice.he always says “give me space” then I realized that I need space for myself too until I research and read your article, this is a big help ,and thank you more power

  • Rober September 22, 2014, 1:50 pm

    Hello Kevin, I have posted 2 comments on here looking for some advice but I haven’t seen either of them. I’m wondering if it was because they were too long? Please let me know. Thanks.

    • Kevin September 23, 2014, 6:17 am

      If they were long, it was probably the reason. I recommend posting questions asking for advice on the message boards. You will get a response much faster and will get to hear from many different perspective.

  • Christina September 22, 2014, 2:30 pm

    We’ve broken up 3 times and it was because we got back together way too fast. Is this still going to work if I do the no contact for the whole 30 days? This was in the span of 2 months, we’ve been together for almost 3 years.

    • Kevin September 23, 2014, 6:19 am

      You have a better chance of the relationship working if you do no contact for at least 30 days, work on yourself during that time, and try to figure out what went wrong and what you can do to make the relationship stronger.

      • Christina September 23, 2014, 4:31 pm

        Okay. There is also a tv show coming on almost exactly 3 weeks after our. Read up that we always watch together. Would it be okay to ask him to watch it with me as long as I act as if we are just friends and not bring up the relationship at all?

        • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:43 am

          If you have been in contact with him and he is warm to you, then yes, it’s ok.

  • dee September 22, 2014, 3:49 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me last week. On the phone! Saying he doesn’t think the relationship can work cos he is going through some stuff in his heart. His friends told me he told them I might hurt him like other ladies in his past has hurt him.cos he is albino, he thought I might break his heart like what happened in his past. I was and still hurting, I really love this guy, I sent many messages and even stalked him on social media, though I have apologised but he is not responding to my messages. But I think I will be starting the no contact. ..I really love him and want him back.

  • Adam September 22, 2014, 6:17 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I absolutely loved every word of this website and find so much comfort in what I’m going through right now.

    I’ve been with my gf for 3 months and I’ve the best time of my life with her. She’s 45 and I’m 34. We both accepted the age difference and I’ve never felt the age gap. After dating for a month, we decided to meet where she went on vacation (her hometown). We had a great time and built so many happy memories together – we even talked about marrying, kids and the future. After my vacation, I came back and a week later she came back. We booked a vacation for Christmas flight tickets to go back and meet her parents as I didn’t get a chance to meet them when I was there.

    So, on a Wednesday evening I made her a romantic candle lit dinner as I really wanted to impress her and show her how much I love her for being her (first time I ever cooked for anyone). She was so impressed and was so grateful. The next day (I didn’t sleep all night as she snored and I didn’t want to wake her up as it was a work night) she woke walk up and she said she loved me and went to get ready for work. I was very angry as I didn’t sleep all night and wasn’t thinking right. I had a huge argument with her and said I didn’t want this kind of relationship anymore. She cried and said she didn’t want to be with anymore and wrote me an email saying she decided she didn’t want to see me again and how much she loved me and not to contact her again.

    I made the usual human mistakes of contacting her – sending texts, calling her to try and get back with her. I spoke to her on the phone and said that I’d like to be friends (I was getting desperate) I have changed and am happier within myself. She said she wasn’t ready to see me and I have gave her a week and I’ve started the no contact rule.

    After the no contact period, best way ask her out?

    Many thanks

    • Kevin September 23, 2014, 6:25 am

      A hand written letter or email apologizing and telling her you’ve accepted the breakup.

      • Adam October 7, 2014, 6:01 pm

        Hi Kevin,

        I wrote a follow up message but it has disappeared?

        • Kevin October 8, 2014, 4:28 am

          Try writing it again.

          • Adam October 21, 2014, 6:58 pm

            Hi Kevin,

            So, I gave her space and started a convo after she came back from her school holidays (she’s a teacher). I said hope she had a great holiday and welcomed her back. She replied she had a good time and hope I was well.

            I waited some days and initiated contact – I called her and we had a chat about us. She got emotional, said she wasn’t ready to see me and I we she didn’t think I had changed in a month (even though I said on the phone that I had a new exciting job, new friends and my life was happy).

            Then I had no contact with her for a week and sent her flowers with a note saying I was thinking of her. She replied “Thank you for the flowers, but you shouldn’t have sent them!! Hope things are going well for you.” I replied I hope you liked the flowers and I hope we could talk. She didn’t reply and sent a text message later saying I missed her.

            I let some days pass until I contacted her again saying could she call me when she got a chance. She said she didn’t want to call me and the more I contacted her, the more she realised she want to talk to me. I replied saying I apologized and how much I have changed. She replied the main reason she felt angry was because I didn’t respect her decision and all I think about was what matters to me.

            So, some days later I lost control of myself as I was really missing her. I sent her many messages and called her a couple of times for 4 days. She said what do I think I would achieve with all those calls and messages when she made it clear she didn’t want to talk to me and what would I achieve when she going to change her number. I sent her a text apologising and saying I understand this is not the way to communicate and I accepted her decision. I constructed my life and for bettered myself for my life and wanted her to see the new me. We should meet and talk about this as life is too short. She replied saying no a million times I don’t want to see you, that’s her answer and I have no other option than to respect it and try to understand it. I replied said I’ve been thinking about what she said and I understand it. If it made her truly happy and didn’t want me to be a part of her life then I would leave her alone. It was never my intention to hurt her in any way. That was the Sunday before and I didn’t get a reply. On Sunday, she blocked me from Whatsapp and on Friday that just passed, she unblocked me (I have no idea why). That’s where I am and I have started no contact.

            If you can advise me in anyway, I would internally grateful.

            Thank you very much Kevin.

            Adam

          • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:25 am

            Hey Adam,

            I think you started talking about the relationship a little too soon and acted desperately after that. Your best option right now is to do no contact for another 2-3 months and try again. This time, keep it casual and friendly. Don’t send her any flowers or any gift of any kind. Act like you just want to be friends. And if it still doesn’t work out, you should move on.

          • Adam October 23, 2014, 10:47 am

            Hi Kevin,

            Thank you for the reply below. I did to reply but here wasn’t a reply option.

            I have just two queries – it’s her birthday in December and I was thinking should I wish her a Happy Birthday. If I do, wouldn’t that break the no contact rule? I mean, I don’t want her to think I don’t care, or I’m being mean but then again I am trying to give her space. I was thinking of sending her flowers at her work or even meeting her after work to give her flowers.

            The second thing is, when we came back from Spain, we booked non refundable tickets for Christmas so I could meet her parents. I called her a couple of weeks ago and she knows about this but didn’t say anything. I can’t get a refund, I can’t change the tickets and no one really speaks English there. I did ask my friends to go but as it’s Christmas, I don’t think many people want to leave home. I was thinking of getting a hotel and taking my chance to see her when I got there.

            I would appreciate any advice as I am non the wiser to what to do and I don’t have much time left for the year.

            Thank you very Kevin,

            Adam

          • Kevin October 24, 2014, 8:03 am

            Wish her happy birthday but keep it short and don’t try to use it as an excuse to meet her or talk to her more. I won’t recommend going there for Christmas. If you want to go travel, then go ahead. But don’t try to meet up with her or even contact her. It’ll just look desperate and she’ll probably reject you again.

          • Adam January 2, 2015, 8:35 am

            Hi Kevin,

            To cut a long story short and I shouldn’t be writing on here…more like on your “success stories”. 🙂

            I got back with her and we as stronger than ever. I will be writing on your success stories section.

            Thank you so much for all your help and support 🙂

            #Dontgiveup

            Adam

  • justin September 22, 2014, 10:02 pm

    I want my ex back and i have honestly begged to have her back but ima change my image and mature and let her be and let her come back to me

  • red September 22, 2014, 10:32 pm

    is 4 months of No Contact good for a 7 years relationship?

    • Kevin September 23, 2014, 6:25 am

      I think it’s enough. Although, read the checklist at the beginning of step 4 before ending the no contact.

  • Wil Buenavista September 22, 2014, 11:48 pm

    Kevin

    my girlfriend broke up with me because she said that she’s not happy with me..and she tried her best to love me but it didnt work it out…I cant believe that she says those words..”Im not happy with you!!!” she said but everytime were together I always make her laugh..even her family like me..she still left me..I gave her everything she want..one thing that I have in mind is that we see each other seldom..weekly.every other week sometimes once a month…

    I dont want to loose her Kevin..Please help me..
    I gave up everything for her my career and a lot of friends just for her.

    • Kevin September 23, 2014, 6:27 am

      Hey,

      Perhaps the reason her attraction faded away is because you put her before your career (it looks needy). I might be wrong. But I’ll still recommend you follow the plan and learn to put yourself and your goals before her and anyone else.

  • Sibyl September 23, 2014, 4:29 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I don’t know if I found your page too late or not. I have done all I shouldn’t have to beg him back. Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship. We have been together for 5months, we met each other quite often. 1-2 times per months. We went into a loads of argument this month, after the last fight he just literally ignored me and broke up with me about a week later. I even flied to see him yet he refused. He just asked to be friends just like when we first met. He started the conversation about why he refused to see me after I agreed to be friend. Should I reply and ask him why or just start NC? (He texted me last night, I haven’t talk to him since I told him to be friends)

    • Kevin September 23, 2014, 6:30 am

      You can start NC after replying to him or right now. Either way is fine. If you decide to reply, you should tell him that it’s OK and he doesn’t need to explain himself. You understand that you two have broken up and he doesn’t owe you any explanation. And then start NC.

      • Sibyl September 23, 2014, 9:12 pm

        Hi Kevin,
        There is one bother me as well, we planned to travel this weekend and obviously we can’t make it. Should I do the refund for him(I guess this is one of the concern of long distance relationship-money), I just think no to waste the money with any reasons. Or I ask him to do it himself?
        Yet I don’t want him to think I care about money a lot.

        Thanks!

        • Sibyl September 23, 2014, 9:20 pm

          I can cancel two tickets without inform him, or I just cancel mine? As he said “we are not going! I canceled”

        • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:48 am

          Talk to him about it. But keep it short and don’t talk about any personal feeling.

          • Sibyl September 24, 2014, 11:08 am

            Will it break the NC? I just canceled it early today… He might get the refund sooner later. Should I just leave it? As he hasn’t reply me not talk to me. Will I look so desprate that keep talking to him:/

  • KC_0617 September 23, 2014, 9:15 am

    Hi Kevin,

    After the NC rule, I contacted my ex, with the note you taught in the email. Eventually he replied and we chatted almost a day until the next morning he didn’t reply me again. He felt glad that I’m doing great here, but he told me that he isn’t good and need have a change in fortune too. I wish to send him a little motivational gift, but I’m not sure it is good for situation now. Me and him are apart and at different places. Shall I?

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:40 am

      Don’t send him any gift. Stay limited contact for another 2-3 weeks before contacting him again. Then stay in touch with him intermittently.

      • KC_0617 September 25, 2014, 10:46 am

        Kevin, I believe limited contact is good for we both. He told me that he met someone new but still single. Before this he asked me if I have meet anyone new. Our conversation is just short and he would not reply after a day of chit chatting. It’s just keep me wondering and worry if he would go for the new one sooner. Any advice could help?

  • H September 23, 2014, 10:55 am

    A girl who likes him is there in his life i don know as a friend or gf.Its been 2 days that both of us decided about break up and not to contact no call no msgs. I want him back we had such up n downs many times but at the end we were together this time it seems worst. i trust him but till it kill me when ever i thought about him n that girl. He is going through tough time its been 3 months we are in same city but he didn’t bother to come and see me. As its tough times i ignored it. But that girl n him were together many time he was the one who told me about it.
    Even i m going through tough time and his ignorance was making me more insecurity . When we broke up he said some of those things which were pain full to hear. I don’t know what should i do. I was the one who said we should better break up n be friends. same day he called me told me how much he is worried about me and gave me e.g of that girl said if something like would have happen to her he would not have cared about it.I told him how much I want him back. We were together for 4 years.we use to have some issues related to my past but this time it was not the reason.

  • Genine September 23, 2014, 2:19 pm

    So, what happens when your Ex has gone back to an Ex girlfriend of his past? What do I do?

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:41 am

      Follow the same plan. If it doesn’t work, move on.

  • Noa September 23, 2014, 2:52 pm

    Hi Kevin!
    My case is a bit different.
    I’d been together with my ex for almost two years, with one breakup in between.
    And we were extremely happy most of the time.
    However I have a mental disorder, ADD. It’s the non hyperactive and non aggressive type of ADHD. However it still causes small problems regularly.
    The relationship ended with a pretty big bump from my part. I had a humor switch and said some mean things… Then my ex told me she needed some space, broke up, and got herself a new partner after four days.
    It’s been three months since and all of the world has fallen into chaos….

    My question is if you believe that your guide applies even on me. Is it too late to try and follow your guide now? Any tips or tricks for my particular situation would be awesome.

    With love, Noa

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:42 am

      It’s not too late. Follow the guide. Use the letter and apologize after no contact.

  • Miky September 23, 2014, 9:01 pm

    I’m not sure if my comment posted or not so I’ll do this again. We’ll me and my ex were 1 1/2 years together. Once she broke up with me she told me she didn’t want to talk to me ever again. Bad right? She also told me she was talking to someone else that made her happy unlike me? We haven’t talked in awhile but not long enough? How do I get a hold of her she blocked me on all social Media from Facebook to snapchat. She also blocked my number. How do I get her to miss me? And want me back ?

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:46 am

      You can send her the hand written letter mentioned in the article. You can also email her.

  • Robert September 23, 2014, 11:09 pm

    Kevin, I need some advice please. Me and my girlfriend of over 6 years have been separated for about 3 months. Originally it was suppose to be a break but I messed up by chasing her, being needy and pushed her away and now we are broken up. During the 3 months we would talk and still hang out. Last time we talked 3 weeks ago she said she didn’t know if we were going to get back together. She said that we needed time with no contact but said to let her know when we would start so she wouldn’t be texting or calling me with no response. I went ahead and started a no contact period without telling her. She texted me once 2 weeks ago asking to be taken off my cell phone plan. We had to meet up at the cell phone store. That day she acted like she was upset with me and I hardly talk to her. Yesterday she called me and I didn’t answer then she texted me explaining more on the cell phone plan. Then she said that she hoped I would have answered so she wouldn’t have to text me a long message and if she could have just 10 more minutes of my life if I had time. I decided to call her and she was saying that she knows that I’m going to move on and she was going to move on but it felt weird not to talk to me cause I was her best friend and her boyfriend. I told her it felt weird for me too but that this is what she wanted time with no contact and I didn’t want any of this (meaning the break up). She said I should have told her cause right now we have to have contact in order to get all our stuff settled (separating everything we have under our names) then we can stop talking. She also said she was shocked that I mailed her paperwork and I didn’t call her to just drop it off. I kept it cool throughout the conversation and before we hung up I apogized to her for acting needy and clingy these past months. Throughout the conversation she had a sad tone. I’m wondering if she is in the missing me stage you talk about in your emails but I’m not sure if she is missing me enough to get back together. What next steps should I take? Do I continue a no contact or beginning to talk to her again? I can honestly say that I can check off most of the things on the list when begging contact again. Or should I start a “false friendship” talked about in Relationship Rewind? My therapist says I should talk to her and tell her that I want to work things out but not sure if I should do that. Please help me out!

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:53 am

      Hey Robert,

      If you satisfy the checklist, then you can end no contact and begin the “false friendship” stage. I’ll not recommend being clear about your intentions just now. You should build up a little bit of attraction before telling her that you want to work things out.

      • Robert September 24, 2014, 2:36 pm

        Thanks Kevin. I feel like I have a plan now where as before I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. I think I’m going to wait a week or two to begin that stage to regain myself a little bit. After I posted the comment she posted on Facebook that she got a gym membership. I know you say in your emails not to let what she posts get to me and I’m trying not to but this one kind of is. I can’t help to think she might be moving on and you might disagree. Anyway do you believe that is a good plan?

      • Robert September 24, 2014, 6:14 pm

        Hi, one more question, on Relationship Rewind it says to wait for her to reach out to me and suggest a friendship and that offering a friendship without her suggestion will push her away. So what should I do? Wait for her? Or initiate on my own? I’m kind of confused now.

        • Kevin September 26, 2014, 11:16 am

          Don’t suggest friendship when you reach out to her. Just start talking casually. If the topic of your relationship with her comes up, then tell her that you just want to be friends.

          • Robert September 27, 2014, 4:08 pm

            Thank you for the advice.

          • Robert October 5, 2014, 11:09 am

            Hi Kevin I’m needing advice once again. I feel like I messed up. Instead of going the route I mentioned above. I decided to write her a letter going off the sample letter on your email. Today she received it. She texted me saying “just wanted to let you know that I got your letter” and I wasn’t sure what to say and I just said “ok then”. In the letter I finished up by saying that we needed space right now as in the sample letter. Now she unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram. She unfriended every one in my family and even her sister unfriended me. To be honest it kind of bums me out. The weird thing is I had spoken with her the day before for some paperwork to do with our car. When I called her she answered by saying “Oh you’re alive!” I asked her what she meant and she was saying that I haven’t called her and that it has been a month that we have hung out. We hung up and she called me back afterwards and said she couldn’t do this that I wouldn’t answer her texts and phone calls but she answers my calls. I once again told her she is the one who wanted space. Then she texted me saying “you messed me up I was feeling fine but now I feel like crap”. I apologized for calling her. Now I feel bad for sending the letter. Did I send the letter too soon? What does her unfriending me mean? Kevin can you help me out on what to do next?

          • Kevin October 6, 2014, 10:04 am

            Hey Robert,

            She probably again had emotions stirred up inside of her which made her unfriend you. Continue no contact for a couple of weeks. Send her a text after that.

          • Robert October 9, 2014, 1:16 pm

            Hi Kevin I could not have messed up even more. Acting on advice given to me by my coworker I decided to meet up with her and tell her how I was feeling. I thought she was on the “missing you badly” stage and thought her feelings had changed but I was sadly mistaken. Our talk got me no where or probably even worse than where I was. I talked to her about how I was feeling frustrated and confused about the space she wanted and that I thought we would be back together by now and other stuff. She told me that she does miss me but as her best friend but not her boyfriend. She also said that she would be lying if she told me that there was a chance of us getting back together. Ouch!! She also said that she feels lonely and she would want to get back together cause of that but it would be unfair to me. She also told me that the letter really messed her up and showed her that I was moving on and ugh I could not have messed up even more by telling her that I copied it from somewhere! I know you’ll be disappointed with me on that. People tell me that she probably wanted to get back together and the letter made her feel like I was moving on. The whole thing was a disaster. I feel like I messed up and I should have followed no contact longer. So if you’re still reading this messed up situation I need advice. Is there really no chance of getting back together? Can I even recover from such a disaster? Where do I go from here? I almost feel like I’m back to square one, a mess and like at first.

          • Kevin October 10, 2014, 10:52 am

            Robert, I can’t really say whether you still have a chance. But I think the best course of action is to do no contact. She still misses you and still has emotions for you. So that’s a good thing. But now she knows you are trying to get her back and you might try to play games to get her back. So anything you do now ill be less effective simply because she will always be a little skeptical of your actions. The best course of action will be to do no contact. And actually start moving on. Contact her again after 2 months. And this time, don’t be needy and don’t tell her you want to get back together.

          • Robert October 27, 2014, 2:58 am

            Hi Kevin, I had a somewhat change of luck with my situation recently and I could use some advice. I followed your advice of no contact up to last week where I sent my ex girlfriend a letter similar to the one on relationship rewind. When she received it she texted saying “wow that letter really rocked me hard” and didn’t text back after a while. A few hours later she started to text me talking to me about how she started a new job. On Friday night she called me if I wanted to have dinner I said yes. After dinner we talked for a bit. This time around she gave me somewhat hopeful response. Although it was kind of mixed as well. The conversation was mainly about how right now she wants to be friends. She also once again said she wasn’t sure if we are getting back together. Then she said she does believe that our relationship deserves a second chance but doesn’t want to jump into a relationship. I get that she can’t just say let’s get back together, I have to build some attraction. She also said that she wants to be friends right now cause we both have changed and that she doesn’t know if we will like each other. I feel like she is wanting to get back together but there is something holding her back. Also I definitely think she has emotional conflicts with other issues she has. But what gives me hope is that I could do the false friendship and hopefully leads to a relationship. But I’m also afraid of messing it up or her saying that being friends isn’t working out. I haven’t contacted her since we talked cause I’m not sure what to say to her. Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? Also I have been reading relationship rewind and it says that the first time you hang out should be in a group of friends. But in your email for the first time seeing each other doesn’t say that. So would it be ok to hang out with alone? What should I avoid from possibly messing this up? Any advice on how to move this forward?

          • Kevin October 27, 2014, 10:31 am

            First of all, relax and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do the “right” thing. As long as you don’t be needy and take things slowly, you should be OK. You should continue texting her for a while and then meet her. Group settings are great with establishing false friendship. But it’s OK even if you are meeting her alone. Just make sure that when you meet her you don’t act needy and don’t make it obvious you want to get back together.

  • Diana September 24, 2014, 6:39 am

    Hey. I’m on no contact stage now. It seems work. My ex started to reach me back by call me and message me. But like you said, DON’T REPLY ANY OF THEM, so yeah i ignored all the phone calls and messages. But i’m afraid he’ll think that i hate him and he start to move on. I noticed that he deleted all my pictures on his instagram, and my friend who also his friend told me that, he close to another girl and it seems like he has relationship with that girl, which actually makes me a little bit frustrated. Is that mean he has remove me from his life?

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 11:03 am

      Next time he contacts you, just tell him you need some space and time right now and you don’t want to stay in touch with him for some time.

  • Grant September 24, 2014, 12:17 pm

    Ok.. so i dont think my first comment passed the test. Here goes… 35 years old.. first relationship i had in 15 years was a month long and ended last week. She text to break it off citing slight jealousy and overall too intense. She felt i was trying too hard to be in a relationship with her when she just wanted to date. I did nice things for her and we never had a bad time, no fights or disagreements. I havent contacted her… hoping to last til Oct 10 aka canadian thanksgiving weekend giving me an IN to contact her. She went out with a “friend” the day before she dumped me to celebrate him settling with his ex wife. Now i see facebook posts of him bringing her coffee and a football shirt at work. Should i be worried… do i even have a chance with only having dated for a month eventhough we saw eachother almost every other day? Tips, Tactics? my instinct is killing me right now… 🙁

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 2:40 pm

      Hey Grant,

      You have a chance but it’s pretty slim. Although, there’s a good chance that you were really trying to hard since it was your first relationship after a long time. Contact her after no contact is over and try to take things slow and just enjoy yourself. If it doesn’t work, or if she is still not interested, just forget about her and try to find someone else.

      • Grant September 25, 2014, 1:34 am

        One further question. Before she ended things i had an artist friend begin drawing a portrait of her kids and the dog from a picture i found. Heres the dilema… its finished… its paid for and now i have it. What should i do with it? Some people have told me to trash it but its so nice i can’t bring myself to do it. I’m thinking of hanging onto it for a bit just incase there is some sort of second chance after the no contact period where i might be able to give it to her. If at some point i realize theres zero hope for anything i would consider just mailing it to her with a simple letter… What do you think i should do?

        • Kevin September 26, 2014, 11:37 am

          I agree with you.

          • Grant September 27, 2014, 12:46 am

            after 10 days of no contact i’ve just been deleted from her facebook…. Im in complete panic now… help!!!! :'( Is all hope lost????

          • Kevin September 30, 2014, 10:26 am

            No Grant. It doesn’t mean much. Continue with no contact and follow the plan.

  • mark September 24, 2014, 1:45 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I had no NC with my ex for few months then we started emailing each other with idea to be friends and talk only once in a while (she ended it). After 2 years of this, i went to see her and spend week together. All old feeling came back and felt so happy and we had physical relations as well. I sense she is still wanting to not get back together since she likes her life as it is, but after coming home, I miss her all over again and feels like we broke up again. She seems fine though. I’m going to follow the 5 steps in this article and hope one day she wants to try again. I wont go back to pleading and obsessing like i did before…thats what also ruined it for us initially i think. Any thoughts are great…thanks!

    • christina vingoe September 29, 2014, 7:37 am

      kevin i feel the same thing about my ex. he hurt my heart. we dated for one day and then bam he hurt my heart.

  • james September 25, 2014, 8:21 am

    kevin I was wondering if you saw my post?

    • Kevin September 26, 2014, 11:40 am

      Hey James,

      I can’t find your post. You can ask questions and get feedback faster on the message boards.

  • andrew September 25, 2014, 9:41 am

    I subscribed there but not getting confirmation email

    • Kevin September 26, 2014, 11:41 am

      Please check your spam folder.

  • Tiffany September 25, 2014, 2:31 pm

    I wrote back in April asking about my ex. His dad had cancer and he said with that, his school and his work, he just needed to be alone. Kevin told me to give him at least two months before trying to contact him. At the end of June, his dad got really sick and passed away. I tried to text him to see if he was okay, but he had blocked me on his phone within the first week of the breakup. I went to the funeral, but didn’t really talk to him. I mingled with the family and sat as far away from them during the funeral. Since then I texted him twice, the last time being the end of August, where I asked him if we could be texting friends. I woke up the other morning to a text from him asking “why should we be texting?” I texted later and told him I wasn’t going to give him a reason because you shouldn’t need a reason to text someone. Then later texted and told him I want to be his friend but can’t make him want to be mine. He told me he was in class. Yesterday I texted and told him I didn’t know the right time to text anymore so just to write me back whenever and asked how his dogs were. I’ve gotten nothing. I’ve not texted him today but I’m so confused. 1) can the 5 step plan work for us? 2) why would he break his 5 1/2 month silence? 3) why would it seem like he started it right back up again? 4) how much time should I give before I tried to text him again?

    He’s switched jobs and schools, so if what he told me was the truth, could be be reaching out?

    • Kevin September 26, 2014, 11:49 am

      Hey Tiffany,

      I think you should wait 1-2 weeks before texting him again. You should not contact him directly asking him to be friends. You should take things slowly. Use a text that is more subtle as mentioned above. If he is cold and doesn’t text you, you should wait at least one month before texting him again. But this time, keep things light and don’t approach him directly.

  • Rober September 25, 2014, 4:52 pm

    Hi Kevin, seems like I noticed a pattern with my email subscription. Last Thursday I didn’t receive an email and today (Thursday) I also didn’t receive one. Just wanted to bring it to your attention.

    • Kevin September 26, 2014, 12:03 pm

      Hey Robert,

      There is an occasional gap in the email series. You didn’t miss anything.

  • Elocin September 25, 2014, 7:00 pm

    6 years relationship. Past year, boyfriend started a relationship with girl in another country, so he visits when he can (every 4-5 months) and they video every day and text.
    During that year, he was still with me, same country, we were not living together.
    Few months ago, we ended it mutually, saying he had to work on some issues (communication, guilt and savior pattern) and I was having health issues. But the days after the breakup, he kept texting me nice messages, and every week we would see each other and sometimes be intimate. We do see each other at our religious group.
    He has been always keeping the door open (dont want to be in relationship ”for now”, still have love for you but dont want relationship, you are an amazing person, …)
    His text messages are : sending you lots of love, kisses, big hugs, good morning cuddles under the covers…
    In 3 weeks, we will attend an event wher both of us will be present. So I have started the NC (although this complicates things since he is also my teacher).
    We had both said that at that event, we would evaluate what we want to do, remain friends or more or what. We also agreed that that date was a bit early for our mutual changes but it was a easily date to set because of the event.
    I am so confused from his messages, and him being in another relationship (long distance). He is amazing when in person with me, and has always been there, even came to hospital with me and waited for 12 hours, talked many times on the phone about us, about school too.
    I dont want to feel victim here, I want to choose and feel in control of something.
    I don’t have many friends, he is my closest friend so the NC is very hard (specially because there is also a major situation with school – I can’t contact him about it – NC)
    Your clarity would be appreciated.

    • Kevin September 26, 2014, 11:52 am

      Hey Elocin,

      The only way to be in control is to do NC. It’ll be hard. But you’ll have to put yourself out there and start making new friends, and doing new things. You can also become a member of the message boards. We have a great community here.

      • elocin September 26, 2014, 4:40 pm

        Thank you very much. Congrats for the site.

      • Elocin September 27, 2014, 5:51 pm

        Hi Kevin,
        perplexed of your answer. Are you saying nothing will become of this relationship and I should move on, or that the NC may get us romantically?
        I feel he is sending mixed messages, loves me, but something is keeping him from committing.
        Thank you again so very much, to help us silly emotional over-thinking ladies!

        • Kevin September 30, 2014, 10:34 am

          Hey Elocin,

          When you start no contact, you are already starting to move on. The beauty of no contact is that it helps you in both moving and getting back together. During no contact, you should decide whether or not YOU want to get back with him (as described in the article). This is the only way to take control of your life and not depend on someone else for your emotional and mental well being. You should reach a point where you should be OK with the possibility of not getting him back. If at the end of no contact, you do want him back, then you should contact him and see how things go. If it doesn’t work, you should move on.

  • Megan September 25, 2014, 11:02 pm

    Hi everyone ! my bf just broke up with me since 5days ago. That was heart broke for me and i beg him to stay. I put down my pride and ask for another chance for both of us but he insist NO. It’s been two years and its coming to our anniversary. He said that he still want to remain friend because he don’t want to lose me and be stranger again. Its hard for me at first because how can i still love he but we can only be friend? after few days i text-ed him last night and tell him i miss us but i know that we can’t go back like how we used to be anymore. And i said that that will be the last time Im telling him this. I think i should start the NO CONTACT move from now 🙂 thanks for the article its help !

  • James September 27, 2014, 7:58 pm

    Kevin,
    so me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up 7 days ago and I have been in no contact ever since my question is when we broke up she said she still wanted to date me to try and rekindle our relationship then that day she blocked me off all social media? why would she say this we lived together for a majority of the two years and I moved out her family loves me and she has a son who is now 5 who I’ve grown very close too since I’ve been in his life I have to come to realize that I might truly never get her back but I am in love with her and I feel she is worth fighting for what drove us apart was my neediness and insecurity towards the last 6 months of our relationship when we were first together I was in much better shape and I much more confident guy since then I have been working out everyday and hanging out with friends etc do you think I have a chance kevin?

    • Kevin September 30, 2014, 10:35 am

      Yes, you do have chance. Follow the plan. If she is worth fighting for, you should fight for her.

  • Nixon September 28, 2014, 7:40 am

    Bestever , Thank you Kevin .

  • KC_0617 September 28, 2014, 10:08 am

    Kevin, I believe limited contact is good for we both. He told me that he met someone new but still single. Before this he asked me if I have meet anyone new. Our conversation is just short and he would not reply after a day of chit chatting. It’s just keep me wondering and worry if he would go for the new one sooner. Any advice could help?

  • Biswajit Dhir Deo September 29, 2014, 6:37 am

    Kevin,
    Bro u saved me u really saved me. I turned 31 on Sep 2. I am from India and I was in a serious relationship with an American girl. We met in a gaming site in 2012 and were completely in love with each other for last 2 and half years. She started the relationship with a big lie, about her age, she kissed a guy in USA while we were together but I overlooked everything cuz I was in deep mad love with her. We were to meet for the first time this December I was so so happy for it.

    5 months back she started acting weird. She would give me very less time on cam, won’t reply my messages properly and would basically tell me she is busy. But since I loved her like crazy I kept being in love with her. But on Sep 2 when she cam with me after 2 months to wish me on my birthday I could see she has changed. She didn’t have the joy, the happiness on her beautiful face which she used to have in the past while talking with me.

    After few days she wrote me this- jeet you have been a perfect bf to me but idk why but I don’t feel your need in my life. So, I don’t know what to do with us.

    I could;t believe my eyes when I read that message. Days later she told me she loves me a lot and she is looking forward to meet me in December. Few days later she went back to her crazy self, ignoring my calls, messages. Then I started acting desperate messaging her calling her but she started to be even more aloof of me. The last Sunday on 21-09-2014 I called her phone she was shopping with family and friends I was almost crying telling her I am hurt cuz of her behavior of ignoring me. Rather than comforting me she told me in the most rude voice- I am shopping with friends I am busy and I can’t talk much now. She hung up the phone.

    I cried my whole Sunday. Messaged her I feel I am done with her and I won’t message her again. She didn’t reply me for next three days. But since I can’t live without her I started again messaging her calling her literally begging her to take me back I even messaged her best friends to talk to her to take me back. But she wrote me this yesterday-u have to stop harassing my friends.

    Last 10 days I could sleep only 3 hours a night, stopped working out, eating was rare and I lost 10 pounds while I saw my ex has opened a new facebook account and posting happy pics of hers. How can she be this cruel? I remained loyal, passionate and loving to her? I forgave her major mistakes and literally was living for her for last 2 and half years.

    Fortunately after spending 3 days with family I am feeling little better and now after reading your article I feel this. If she can’t love me even after getting my obsessive love maybe she doesn’t deserve me. My heart still wants her and I would start the no contact thing religiously from now onwards. I would start work out again, would go out and do things like I am happy without her.

    If she comes back good or else I dont need her to be happy.

    KEVIN a big thank you for making me feel better.

    Take Care,

    Biswajit

    • Simran October 4, 2014, 3:06 am

      My story is exactly like yours Biswajit. The only difference is that I have waited for this one man for 6 years. He is/was my FIRST love, my first romance, my first passion and my first desire. I wish you will find joy in within yourself. Remember, it is never worth being a doormat for anyone, even for the one you love the most. We are all there for you 🙂 Regards, Simran (Malaysia)

  • Jenny September 29, 2014, 6:38 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I did something really stupid, my boyfriend broke up and i tried to give him space but only gave him two days… so i tried to be “romantic” went over his house to talk to him and he yelled at me and called me crazy. so i just left super heart broken and text him im sorry and haven’t contact him after that. i wonder if we still have a chance because he called me crazy…HELP

    • Kevin September 30, 2014, 11:00 am

      Yes, you do.

  • Lovisa September 30, 2014, 3:23 am

    Hey everyone !
    I uploaded a pic to instagram yesterday and my ex liked it..! what should i do now? Snapchat or write to him or something? please help if you feel to 🙁

    Here’s the story between me and him, i posted this in summer and in early september:

    Hey guys! i’ve just started a conversation with my ex, we haven’t talked for like 3 months. I still feel kind of insecure of writing to him, but he is in my town so i couldn’t resist starting a conversation.. What should i do now after the conversation? should i let him be for a few days or snapchat him later? I asked him if it’s good between us, he said yes. Down below is my recent updates from everything between me and my ex!
    i would love some help..

    I’m 18 and my exboyfriend is 18, we broke up because of many misunderstandings and fights, insecurity and shit.. we had a distancerelationship, we broke up because i was so insecure when we didn’t see eachother in like 2 weeks, i was so immature.
    So we broke up for a month ago, but i broke the NC 2 weeks after the NC because he liked a pic i uploaded on instagram.. i told him i wanted a new chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. Even if it was too early for a new relationship with him, i almost got him back again.
    In the relationship, he always told me that he’d never felt this way before in a relationship, that he thought that we were meant to be, he would love me forever and so on.
    He has always been honest with me, since the first time we met he told me directly that he’s not that guy who lies, is with many girls and stuff, he said that he wanted to find the perfect girl and just be with her. During our relationship he truly loved me, told me everyday that he had never felt this to a girl before and we were gonna last forever.. but i was a immature and insecure bitch towards him, always started fights, and at first i took him for granted just because i knew he really loved me. Now i really realize what i lost and i couldn’t be more sad! even after a month i’m so hung up on him! i know i have to let go and be friends with him, but i know he’s the one! i have never ever ever been this sad because a break up, it was my fault we broke up and i just want to go back to him, from scratch.
    I’m not gonna write to him until 9th July, but i’m soooo worried that he’s gonna find a girl or something before i’m taking contact with him again.. He’s that boy who never play games, always honest and straight up. But when he’s done, he’s really done.. doesn’t write to me or nothing. I’m worried that i’ve really lost my chance, because he gave me so much chances and took me back all the time, but he reached his breakingpoint after the last fight with him. But even after the breakup, he told me that he actually wanted to be with me.. but he thought this was the best.
    He lives 2h away from me, and there’s no chance that i’m meeting him again if we’re not in a relationship, we lasted 6 month before the breakup
    Do you guys think i have a chance to win him back? We broke up because i didn’t stop fighting with him and i know that’s the only reason why.. but i’m afraid that i fucked everything up when i wrote to him 2 weeks after NC that i wanted another chance
    What do you guys think?

    One thing more, we broke up in May, but last we spoke were in Juni. And.. yesterday on a night out, i kinda liked a picture he loaded up on instagram.. what should i do now? let it be, or write to him? and i’m kind of worried right now, he loaded up something on twitter that had to do with loyalty and trust.. but i know i can’t worry about that, i have to move on and before something else happends between us, i have to be his friend at first, which i don’t really want

    Help wanted!
    Lovisa 🙂

  • Lovisa September 30, 2014, 10:53 am

    My ex since april just liked a picture i uploaded on instagram

    We’re both 18, we had a distance relationship and we broke up because of my insecurities and i were very immature when we didn’t have the time to see eachother, i forgot we had distance in the last months with him.. i was very clingy and a real bitch. 2 weeks after we broke up, i told him i realized what i did, i apoligized and asked for another chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. I did wrong, but it’s all forgotten now i hope. In the relationship he was very loyal, reminded me everyday about i was his true love, he had never felt this way before and he wanted to build a future with me, like move in after school.
    We were together in 6 months,

    I’ve followed the 5 steps plan and i have been seeing a few other guys since we broke up, but sadly i can’t stop thinking about my ex.. The latest talk we had was over facebook in the beginning of september.

    What should i do now? maybe start a conversation later? he broke his leg in summer, maybe i should ask him how’s it going?
    Please help if you feel you have any advice!

    Thanks 🙂

  • RAED September 30, 2014, 5:40 pm

    KEVIN,

    It has been 5 months since I asked for your help. From that day on, I cannot imagine myself up to this day. I felt lost, inferior and unworthy. Just because of one person who had dumped me in the most stoneheartedly possible way she knows.

    Though it affected me so much that I wasn’t able to function as a human being (yes, I felt like a robot) for about 4 months and had taken for granted most of the things I must be doing, I am thankful that I finally did it!

    I’m so glad she didn’t take me back no matter how much I have begged her. Because if she did take me back, then I might be just a doormat all my life I will be with her. If she had taken me back, maybe I am still not happy until now. So I am somehow thankful to her. Because of how she broke up with me, I was able to see the real her. I was able to see how she treated someone who had always been with her that she just dumped because finally she was already on her dream life that she no longer needs me.
    And with your help, I stopped feeling guilty for her attitude towards me, because it defines her and not me.

    I am a lot stronger and wiser now! I prayed to the Lord that may this heartbreak soften and humble me instead of making my heart hard rock, so that I might never take anyone for granted. I have no plans yet of being a relationship not because I lost faith in love but because I have never experienced before how happy it is to be single! I wouldn’t want to bind myself to someone who just uses me. And there will be no getting back together.

    I’ve never been this happy! I wasn’t able to get her back like the initial plan we had but I was able to gain something greater: FRIENDS – Rihanna, A.Z., Dara, Daniel, Edward, Steve, Sunshinegirl, David, Joe (I hope I’m not forgetting anyone)

    Thank you so much OLDIES and KEVIN! I wouldn’t have made it without you! *fist bomb to all* 😀

    I might be the underdog in the beginning but now I emerged as a victor 😀

    • Kevin October 1, 2014, 10:16 am

      Hey RAED,

      It’s so nice to hear from you. I am glad this website helped you in your journey and I am proud of how far you’ve come. The oldies have been little quiet lately. I guess most of them are busy with their lives. Hopefully, they’ll check in soon. All the best.

  • jake October 1, 2014, 5:11 am

    I’ve got nothing but respect for you man .

    Keep it up , it’s gonna be hard but you need to follow the program .

    Also , don’t forget to subscribe to the newsletter !

    Good luck

    • jake October 1, 2014, 5:13 am

      Previous message was intended for Biswajit .

  • Shivaji October 1, 2014, 5:12 am

    Hi kevin
    I left comment yesterday but its not there I think u deleted it

    • Kevin October 1, 2014, 10:19 am

      Hey Shivaji,

      I don’t normally approve comments asking questions. If you have questions regarding berakup, please post it in the message boards.

  • Megan October 1, 2014, 8:30 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    Could I get feed back on my situation? I have posted it here twice and on the board? Sorry just feeling desperate ATM!
    thanks
    Meg

    • Kevin October 2, 2014, 4:51 am

      Hey Megan,

      I agree with the replies you got on your post here. Continue NC and relax. You have hope.

      • Megan October 2, 2014, 5:28 am

        Thanks Kevin, I just hope it’s not already to far gone. How do you feel about my issues posted on the no contact forum? I told him if give him space, do you think going to the BBQ will not be respecting that?

        • Kevin October 3, 2014, 4:17 am

          Hey Megan,

          Your decision of going to the party should not be based on what he will think of you. It should be based on whether or not it’ll make you feel good. Don’t decide to go there (or not) just to prove him something. Ask yourself if it’ll make you feel good about yourself. Will seeing your ex make you uncomfortable? Will you be able to enjoy yourself if you see your ex there? Will you be able to handle your emotions? If you think you are ready, go for it. It doesn’t matter how he will react to you going because you are going to the party for yourself and not for him.

  • Becca October 2, 2014, 6:25 am

    Me and my ex broke up only 5 days ago. It was so out of the blue we were fine last Wednesday morning then from Wednesday night onwards he just started ignoring me. On Friday he text me and said he promised he would see me Sunday but then he ignored me again so I texted is mum to collect my things from his house. His mum told me he had cheated on me again on both nights he ignored me. He had previously cheated on me with my best friend and I took him back but now I have just found out they are actually together now. He says he loves her. We have been together 4 years. Is there any hope for me?

    • Kevin October 3, 2014, 4:18 am

      Hey Becca,

      You do have a chance but you should do NC for at least 2 months and think things through before trying to get him back.

      • Becca October 4, 2014, 11:09 am

        Hi Kevin

        I had been doing NC for a couple of days. He text me saying “I hope your doing ok” what does this mean? Does it mean he misses me? I just want him back this is so painful :'(

        • Kevin October 6, 2014, 10:01 am

          It doesn’t mean anything. Don’t overthink it. Continue no contact.

  • Tia October 2, 2014, 12:57 pm

    My ex an I have been together for 9 months and we been off and on for the last two months. He ended breaking up with me 2 weeks ago, 3 days after his birthday. The breakup was over an argument he was petty and I was petty right back by throwing some personal things around his room and destroying his gifts from me on his birthday. He said he needs a long break from me and space. He just turned 32 and I’m 21. A lot of people say that’s our age difference but I don’t think so. I truly love him and still want to work it out. We have never had trust issues until these last couple of weeks. We haven’t talk for a week and I don’t know what to do.

    • Kevin October 3, 2014, 4:19 am

      Follow the plan Tia.

  • Maria October 2, 2014, 1:11 pm

    Hi, I will follow your progam to the dot… But I would like your opinion…
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have a daughter of 1,5 years. We have had quite some fights, and he actually can get physical and I get pretty mean in words. Every time we have the mildest argument, he takes the bus to his mum who lives 2 hours away, and stays there. He don’t answer his phone, he text me things like “whore” etc, he is very mean when we at last talk, but he always comes back in the end, normally he is back within 1-2 days.
    I have been wondering for some time if he has some sort of empathy distortion, so I am not certain this method will work on him? He always has come back, but he always says that I have manipulated him to come back.

    Well, Yesterday we had a fight again. He got into his usual routine and left the building; went to his mum. This time is rather different from the rest though. He didnt text any mean stuff to me while travelling, only “I changed the pick up time at childcare to 15.00”, and then silence. He has blocked my phonenumber. He has cut us off completely. Normally his mum would call and say he needs some time to cool off, but there has been nothing but silence.
    And I am left with hope, questions, thoughts and our daughter who wonders where dad is. I’m the one that have to figure this whole thing out and make things work.

    Anyway, I will really follow your instructions and hope that things will be fine. But this time Everything feel so different from the rest of the times that he has “quit”. How do I have no contact, with someone who blocks me? 🙁 He won’t notice that I wont try to reach him. I am not sure how to proceed to be honest…

    • Kevin October 3, 2014, 4:12 am

      You will not be doing no contact for him to notice. You will be doing it for yourself. Him blocking will even make it easier for you to concentrate on yourself.

      • Simran October 4, 2014, 2:45 am

        But doesn’t blocking means that he does NOT WANT TO HEAR from you anymore? The man I love did that too. 🙁

        • Kevin October 6, 2014, 9:59 am

          Hey Simran,

          In my opinion, he is going to keep you as a second option if you let him keep you that way. My advice is to follow the plan and learn to be happy without him. Start moving on with your life and when he realizes he is going to lose you forever, he will probably want you back. And most people block someone simply because they were angry or you were harassing them constantly. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to hear from you anymore. And in my experience, most exes unblock their ex after a while. Even if he doesn’t, you can email him the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan after 2-3 months of no contact.

  • Bernard October 2, 2014, 8:51 pm

    My girlfriend broke up with me just a couple of days ago. She said that she felt insecure for our future and somehow she decided to break up with me. In facts, we been lovely together for about 172 days. I admit that sometimes been really selfish to her, neglecting her feelings and eventually she felt really despair to me. Honestly telling, I love her very very much! I’d learned how to cherish my love ones. This couple of days I’d been really regret and I promise myself in hearts that i will not letting her felt that way again. I hope u guys can really help me out and give me some ideas whether to get back my love ones.

  • sarah October 3, 2014, 8:50 am

    I have a question, my ex and I broke up about 3 months and we haven’t contact each other at all, so all your steps; I followed, since you said that he’s missing me during the no contact…If we have NO contact and NO communication, how are we gonna find each other again? Destiny? Faith? What…? He broke up with me so I think he have to come to me but how is that gonna happen

    • Kevin October 6, 2014, 9:52 am

      You are going to contact him after one month of no contact.

  • amy October 3, 2014, 1:15 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I have been broken up with my boyfriend for a month, he has narcissist ways, but sometimes he is okay. I have a daughter, he though I was cheating on him with a couple of my friends that always called or texted me. I felt he did not want me there because he was sick of my daughter and me. He has two wild kids that came over part time that I did everything for. I got another job he thought I wasn’t going to have enough to help out as much. Our rent was close to 3400, and I went to his house and he has a 25 year old roomate. She is not cute, she is a bar tender, someone that he would be embarrassed about. I am 36 and he is 47. He told my family horrible lies about me called every phone number on my phone log. I went to see him, he was with me, but he said this is just hurting both of us. He said what am I going to do with a 25 year old..but it was weird how much he smiled. I wrote him a love letter, he wrote his version and emailed it to me. He clocked my number. I told him last night God let this happen. I still want him in my life, I told him that I love him. I tried to do no contact for a month. He lost so much weight he looks like a skeleton, he said look what you did to me..I am confused. He said that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that I don’t want a wrinkled up guy like him..someone help..I was kinda desperate, but not really, he said your not saying anything that is making me change my mind. I have left him alone, I’m trying not to email or go see him at his house. I told him before it got bad that I would make it up to him everyday of my life. He told me now, I wouldn’t of done what I did if I loved him, all I ever talked about with my friend is how I feel he doesn’t like me as much. He would be with me when his kids were gone, but I felt he was pushing me away.. so what to do? If I could salvage everything would it be a miracle?Please someone out there.. I have never wrote on the internet before..

  • Raul October 3, 2014, 9:55 pm

    My wife left on August 13th. And a few weeks later she came back amd left the next day again. Then she came back on September 21st and we connected and we got together again. But 3 days in she told me was with another man and slept with him. Then she told me she wasn’t happy and that he made her happy. Then she left to be with him. Is there anything I can do at this point?

    • Kevin October 6, 2014, 9:54 am

      Hey Raul,

      I think you should move on. If she comes back again, don’t accept her and agree to be with her. Let her prove that she is serious this time.

  • Techiyew October 4, 2014, 1:31 am

    learning to let a peson go is part of growing up, accepting that other people might not plan their future by your side is a maturity trait,

    why dont you help people get over their pain and grow as a person instead of helping them on this?

    • Kevin October 6, 2014, 9:55 am

      Hey,

      Actually, that is one of the main things I talk about on this website. To accept the breakup and learn to be happy without your ex. You can see it in Step 3.

  • Simran October 4, 2014, 2:41 am

    I read through your article. Its really inspiring and motivating. I have faith in your tips. My question is that, my boyfriend is very capricious. I do not understand what he really feels or thinks about me. There are times when he is planing to make me his wife and have babies and wishes that they look just like me BUT the VERY NEXT MOMENT, he ditches me like trash. I love him to bits.
    I forgave him for all his flaws and accepted all his imperfections because no one is perfect, However, I am torn apart with his behaviour. Is he just taking me as a spare tyre? A second option? I just want to know his true feelings for me. I am okay if he is not in love with me as I know that it is his right to fall in love with whoever he wants. I just need an answer. How do I approach a man to open up with his deepest emotions Kevin? I waited 6 years for this man. Help me please. Thank you so much.

  • Meg October 4, 2014, 4:31 am

    Hey Kevin
    So I’ve been following your emails religiously since my ex broke up with me 3 months ago.
    My situation is slightly awkward although I’m sure you will have come across it before, I just need some advice on how to proceed.
    My ex and I are family friends from way back. In fact the families along with everyone else was shocked when he ended it. We’ve done no contact for about 3 month but we still see each other almost weekly because of our families. Unfortunately not a way to avoid it, although we have both tried hard. I know it’s hard for him when he sees me, and I’m nowhere near over him. But he’s also very adamant that he’s made the right decision because of the arguments we’ve been having.
    But here’s the thing – I’ve learn a lot through your emails and relationship rewind. Learnt where I went wrong – him too, but I focussed on my errors. I want him to know, but I’m worried he’s not in a place to acknowledge accept or understand. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I know he loved me…maybe he still does, but the arguments rightly so got on top of him. Thanks
    Meg

  • Emma October 4, 2014, 4:21 pm

    Hey, my ex and I want to get back together, but I don’t think my parents will let us. When he broke up with me, I made him seem like more of a jerk than he really is. He apologized and it made total sense to me but I doubt it will to my parents. What should I do?

  • Hye-in Cho October 6, 2014, 12:32 am

    Hello Kevin,

    I agreed everything yo have said on your website. However, my situation is much different just regular broke up. I have dealt with major depression for 3 years, and I have attempted 3 suicides last month, and that was one of the great reason I have broke up with him after dating 2 years and a half.
    I know I already hurt him so much by tried to harm myself, but I didn’t wanted to hurt him anymore than that. I let him know why I broke up with him, and thankfully he understood the reason why.
    A little after 30 days not contacting and seeing him, we finally got to see each other today. My depression is pretty much gone now, and I am a much better person, even a whole new different person! When we got to talk, he said he doesn’t see us ever going back together in the future. But I know he still really cares about me, and I care about him too.
    I let him know I am not going to force to date him back, cuz I respect him, and it was nice to see his face. That was the end of our conversation.
    What would you do or what advise could you give me in this situation?

    • Kevin October 6, 2014, 10:06 am

      My advice is that you do no contact for another 2-3 weeks. And then start texting him and ask him out again. This time, hang out as friends and have a nice time and don’t talk about getting back together. Just enjoy yourself and let it be his idea to get back together. And congrats on overcoming your depression. 🙂

  • Helen October 6, 2014, 8:28 am

    Hello Kevin and everyone else :),

    (Sorry if there are any mistakes, English isn’t my native language)

    First of all to Kevin: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Your blog but also your emails were the only thing that prevented me from loosing (completely) my mind.

    My boyfriend of 4 years decided to end up things about a month ago, it was very difficult and painful for the both of us. I went trough all the stages possible and I’m afraid I made a fool of myself although he is used to and very patient with my nevrosis :p. We are best friends and our relationship used to be very very strong (its our first relationship as a matter of a fact), so it was the most devastating time when he told me he needed space to sort out his feelings and himself, etc. He is going trough some kind of life crisis having started his first job and having to deal with growing up and responsabilities (we’re both 24). He is cutting himself from his familly and long time friends as well. I went to see him to talk about the break up and say goodbye, it was very touching, but I noticed that the more dettached I acted the more concerned he seemed, trying to reasure me and everything. He admitted that he is afraid of loosing me forever but that he also wants me to be happy and can’t be selfish enough to call this a break and have me waiting without knowing.
    I went into no contact for 2 weeks after that meeting but then something silly happened and I did the mistake of seeing him again for a few hours (making a fool of myself imo as I cried at some point of the conversation). It was like he was trying to protect himself and I, by being colder this time but he cried again at some point (he is really not the type of personn that cries easily) after we had some fun time talking to each other about life like we always do.
    He told me that more than anything he needed me to be ok and to respect his need for time to himself for now, that his feelings were too confused, that he has love but that what he felt before had decay.

    I read all your emails and article and I know what went wrong, I still believe like you that attraction can be rebuilt, when he is ready for it, eventhough I also know I have to sort of move on in the meantime.

    Anyway I’m starting over again the NC, my question is can it still work? I’m very worried that because I messed it up once its too late? 2 month enough? 3 month too much?

    Thank you so very much for your help and support 🙂

  • crescendoanu October 7, 2014, 2:29 am

    hey! can anybody please tell me, why aren’t my post are shown here, when I’m trying to post something about my problem?? I really need help.. please 🙁

    • Kevin October 7, 2014, 7:34 am

      Hey,

      Please post your question in the message boards. I don’t usually approve relationship questions over here anymore.

  • kall October 7, 2014, 6:07 am

    Hi kevin heres my situation I need help instantly, my ex broke up with me 3 days ago because I made to many mistakes drunken texts to other women and mistakes during the relationship I know I want and need her back ive already made quite a few mistakes before reading this she says she moved on but I begged for her back saying I could change just wondering what I could do from now onwards? Ill do whatever it takes and I know you cant promise me anything but its worth a risk afterall atm she just says no more chances ive moved on and so should you I think shes moved on to try and protect herself so it doesnt hurt as much and she tells me to f**k off everytime I try and show her ive changed I need help immediately thanks kevin.

    • Kevin October 7, 2014, 7:37 am

      Follow the plan kall.

  • Anonymous October 7, 2014, 2:56 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    My gf broke up with me 3 weeks ago and has been ignoring me constantly. We saw each other on a friend’s party on friday and she smiled but we didn’t speak. She did send me 2 texts on whatsapp but I decided it was best to not respond. This Friday would have been our 1 year anniversary. So I break NC to send a tiny message of any sort or not?

    • Kevin October 8, 2014, 4:26 am

      No. You shouldn’t contact her on your anniversary.

  • ray13 October 7, 2014, 4:46 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I’m so confused?? My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago after talking for a year and dating for a year. He said that he loved me but wasn’t “in love “with me. I don’t believe him because I know that he has been hurt before and is afraid to let his guard down. He tells me all the time that I’m the one and all his friends love me. Now all of the sudden he wants to take a break and see if this is what he really wants? and all I want to is talk about the problems and wrong through them? What should I do? Do I not talk to him for 30 days. Was I living a lie? I do believe in my heart of hearts that he does really love me. Is there Hope???

    • Kevin October 8, 2014, 4:27 am

      There is hope. Follow the 5 step plan. If he still loves you, this plan will work.

      • ray13 October 8, 2014, 1:02 pm

        Kevin,
        What is the difference between loving someone and being “in love”? And even though my boyfriend told me that we need a break, do you think he would say that is we really didn’t stand a chance? Was that is way of letting me down easy?

        I’m having a really hard time with the NC rule, even though we haven’t talked i’m still so depressed and all I want to do is cry. I go out with friends all the time and i’m okay until I get home. I can’t even bring myself to look at another man. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do? I have been like this for 3 weeks and the pain just keeps getting worse.. PLEASE HELP

        • Kevin October 10, 2014, 10:39 am

          Hey Ray,

          It means different thing to different people. In most cases, when someone is unsure of their feelings, they say this. I think that was the case with your ex. I can’t be sure (since I can’t read his mind) so don’t just take my word for it.

          I understand how you are feeling and I can assure it gets better with time. I’ll recommend that you start keeping yourself busy at home as well. There are tons of things you can do. Read books on self-improvement. Practice a skill or a hobby that you like. Meditate. Slowly you should start imagining a future without him in your life. Once you reach that point, you will be feeling much better. I will also recommend you don’t end no contact even after 30 days if you still feel miserable and you don’t satisfy the checklist in Step 4 above.

  • maha October 7, 2014, 6:25 pm

    Hey Kevin ..
    I’ve already posted a comment before.. but didn’t find it .. so .. here it’s again 😀
    I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than 3 years .. We’ve been on and off for a year now .. couple of days ago I told him I couldn’t take it any more .. because he’s always busy with he’s friends.. and we ended up yelling at each other .. and ending our relationship for the 10th time maybe in a year .. he blocked me on all the social media , im and phone ..
    But .. i still love him .. and he told me a weeks ago that he loves me too .. but he can’t take the idea of us getting back together any more .. cuz I’m putting too much pressure on him and we had oue chances.. I’ve already started the NC role .. after apologising for him for all the yelling.. but I don’t know if it’s the best way for my situation .. i want him to re-appreciate me .. and the NC roll worked for us before .. but I’m sick of using it each time we have a fight .. plus, we keep breaking up for the same reasons everytime because he refuse to change !!
    What do you think?

    • Kevin October 8, 2014, 4:33 am

      I think you should think things through this time and make sure that if you get back together, it’s because you are sure you will have a great relationship together. Work on your communication skills meanwhile and before getting back together, be very specific about what you expect from the relationship and if he is not willing to provide it be ready to walk away.

      • Mema October 13, 2014, 5:18 pm

        When we got back last time .. it was 2 months oh honeymoon .. then at first fight .. everything went wrong again .. I’m trying to get over my jeolsy issue .. and actually .. I’m starting to see it a stupid thing .. but it’s too late now .. i don’t want to lose him .. it’s been amazing 3 years .. and I’m afraid that i already have :(..
        He moved back to his town 4 months ago .. and I’m doing the NC for almost 2 weeks .. but a mutual friend told that he’ll be in town next week .. should i contact him ? 🙁

        • Kevin October 14, 2014, 9:44 am

          Don’t contact him. If he contacts you, reply. But don’t meet him yet. Tell him you need some space and time and like I said before, do no contact for a while.

          • Mema October 14, 2014, 11:07 am

            Ok .. I’ll continue the NC .. but do you think i gave a chance with him?
            I’ve posted the details in a comment but i didn’t find it .. do i really have hope after all the issues we had?

  • krista27 October 8, 2014, 6:49 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I posted a comment on one of your blogs but I guess it didn’t go through so I’m gonna tell you about my situation. My ex boyfriend broke up with me over a week ago after being with him for 16 months. Im 23 and he’s 26. He said he has thought it through and wants to be friends. I am so heartbroken that it has been so difficult for me to do school work and everything else. He’s someone I truly love and I thought we had something special. He was someone who I thought I was going to marry someday. He told me he loved me and would never leave me, well I guess I got fooled on that one. We did talk about our future about getting married and what not and so I need help in showing him what he’s missing and see how lucky of a wonderful woman he had in his life. So I need help in getting him back permanently. To also add that he told me that he can’t imagine his life without me and it would be weird if I wasn’t in his life anymore so I don’t know if that means something or not. Thanks Kevin.

    • Kevin October 10, 2014, 10:41 am

      Follow the advice in the article Krista.

  • Adam October 9, 2014, 3:33 am

    first of all you are an angel Kevin ,
    your emails id changed me in a very good way i start to understand things i never thoughts i will be able to understand it,
    I really wish to meet you 🙂 .
    yes i will not try to contact her but she keep block and unblock ,last time she unlooked me i sent her farewell email in good way she didn’t replay at all i think i should not sent it ,as she keep my brother in her FB AND SHE NEVER block him , let see wht will happen in her birthday next week ,
    BEST REGARDS,
    ADAM

    • Kevin October 10, 2014, 10:42 am

      Thank you Adam. Good Luck. 🙂

      • Adam October 18, 2014, 4:13 am

        hi Kevin,
        today is her birthday should i sent her message or a call ,
        since im sure she is expecting me to do or contact her family ?
        please advice ..

        • Kevin October 18, 2014, 7:02 am

          Just send a text. Keep it short.

          • Adam October 20, 2014, 9:55 am

            OUR ANGEL ,
            good day to you!!
            I sent a short message but from other number no sign from her at all ,
            but in her birthday in the morning she an block my FB and my wahtsapp for few mints ,Kevin i dont know what to do she never be so hard and never change her mind and i have a felling she is still in her city she did not move as she tried to tell me ,its so hard felling i really need an advice i can accept she pass me but not this way ..
            please

          • Kevin October 20, 2014, 12:08 pm

            Hey Adam,

            You have to stop obsessing over her so much. You should not be checking your facebook and whatsapp so much that you know when she is unblocking you. You should be going out and having fun with your life. Try to remove her from your contact list so you are not constantly checking on her. Do no contact for a month or two and try checking again after that.

  • Blanca October 9, 2014, 2:55 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    Thanks so much for your website and replying to every email. I am a blogger myself and I know it’s really tough work. You’ve completely amazed me.

    Anyway, since you get so many comments I am not going to make this longer. On to the point:

    I have done EVERYTHING wrong (as you could have guessed) since he broke up with me last Tuesday (been 9 days now). I’ve discussed the relationship and told him I wanted him back, are in contact with him all the time, etc.

    We lived together. He moved out within two days. Rent was expiring and we both needed to move, so I am moving out of here as well.

    However I didnt have a car. He owns two and I just used one of them. Now I am stuck in the house (cant walk from here anywhere) unless he lends me his car, who is using for the move (the other one he cant use for moving stuff). So I need to text him and ask him about his plans to know when I can use it.

    Also, he still comes sometimes to the house to pack more stuff and I am here (I work from home) and see him. My birthday was yesterday and we went out for dinner together (ended up doing what we shouldnt). And on top of that we have a birthday party on Saturday where we both need to go. Not only it’ll be super rude not to do it but also I prefer to hang out with friends than be on my own in the house.

    Reading this I can see the best is No contact. Plus it makes total sense since the reason he broke up with me probably had to do with that (we worked at home both, saw each other 24 h/day and basically I have no life out of him or my work, which again, is at home).

    The problem is that I am going to see him on Saturday, I will need the car this week for moving stuff, I will need his help to move a couple of pieces of furniture that I can’t move myself, etc.

    Shall I just wait to start No contact when I am completely moved? Once in my new apartment I wont need the car (therefore I wont need to contact him to ask him if I could use his) or him and then I can do no-contact for a month.

    Thanks so much

    • Kevin October 10, 2014, 12:09 pm

      Hey Blanca,

      I think you should keep limited contact till then and start no contact once you are on your own. Limited contact means only talking to him about things that are necessary and keeping it short and to the point. Don’t be rude, but don’t open up to him and show him how much you still love him. All the best.

      • Blanca October 10, 2014, 3:11 pm

        Thanks SO much!

        xo, B.

  • ilias October 10, 2014, 2:49 am

    hallo.my name is ilias.i am a doctor in bulgaria.i had a relationship for one year and 8 months.she has a son from his ex-husband but i was for that kid like dad.i love them so much and i make a big mistake.the mistake was that-we started a reconstruction at her grandfather apartament with the help of her parents.but when she wants to buy something i can not refuse.the mistake was that i stole from the summary that her parents gives 500 euro to bought the thinks that she wants for the apartment.i apologise and sorry at her parents and to her but she does not want me back form yesterday.before yesterday she said that she will give me a change but i have to earn it and to proof myself.but from yesterday she says that she does not love me.but untill two days she said to me and to our friend that she loves me and cry.what can i do to earn her back?thank you

    • ilias October 10, 2014, 2:52 am

      i want to thank you kevin if you help me.thank u.ilias

    • Kevin October 10, 2014, 12:17 pm

      Hey Ilias,

      Do no contact for a while. If she calls you, tell her you need some time to deal with the breakup and you will contact her after some time. Follow the plan. You have a pretty good chance of getting her back. All the best.

      • Ilias Schinas October 11, 2014, 6:58 am

        She wrote me and she said that i am a lier and thief and everything between us is over for ever.what can i do?

        • Kevin October 13, 2014, 10:40 am

          Don’t reply. Do no contact and follow the plan.

  • JM October 10, 2014, 4:55 am

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex and I have been together for two and half years. Nothing was wrong with the relationship. I was happy and he was too. When we started dating after a year i introduce him to my family, he also introduce me to his aunt, cousins and friends. All this people immediately like me and the person i am. All that was good. We get along great and care about each other so much. The last time we were together was mid August when we went out with friends. We were happy and i spent the night with him. There was no complaint of any kind. The only thing that he has complain about would be that i don’t listen to him or i am immature. I admit that i have a stubborn bone in me, but i was changing because i understand what he was saying. With every thing said two weeks after we went out in mid August, in September he decided to tell me he needed space. I asked him do you want to break up completely or is there another interest, he said no. I knew he had met someone else because it wasn’t like him to want space. I agree with him with the space thing. yesterday i went to do my hair at his place, because his room mate is my stylist, After doing my hair i persist to go to his room, there i found out the truth. The truth is he has someone else and she living with him. I was her clothes and shoes in the closet and her picture too hanging. I was heartbroken and mad, so i decided to wait for him and confront him. We talked and he told me what ever in saw in his room is true. That he has been seeing her for two months, but didn’t know how to tell me or break my heart because he didn’t want to hurt me that’s why he just say to me he needed a break. We were happy together and everybody that see us knew that we both were in love and care for each other. I was shocked, hurt, and so many question coming in my head. He said he met her in January at a friends party and they have been talking, but started dating now. They have been dating for two months and already she is living with him. I asked him why she is living with him, he said it just temporally she is looking for her own place. I am definitely hurt and don’t know what to think. I need help.

    • JM October 10, 2014, 5:09 am

      Help me kevin. I need him back and i would do anything to get him. He is a good man and the only person that i have love like this. He has so many characteristics that i loved about him. Help me.

      • Kevin October 10, 2014, 12:21 pm

        Hey JM,

        I think you should think things through before getting trying to get him back. Do no contact for at least 2 months. You do have a chance to get him back, but you need to stop being needy and desperate and follow the plan. He cheated on you. He is the type of person who has been emotionally cheating on you since January. That is not a characteristic of a good man.

  • Shahbaz Bhatti October 10, 2014, 10:10 am

    Kevin…
    I am facing an out of the world relationship problem
    We had a relation for 7 months….. I really really loved her from the core of my heart and she knows it even she accepted my marriage proposal but suddenly things have changed. From her point of view, she said that she is internally ill and if she died i would miss her so she act completely opposite. she has limited her texts, giving lame excuses when asked her to call her…. she said she have to be away from me…. She said she is tired of to be alive. she said she is no longer that lively girl she can not smile and she can not love someone…. Please leave me….
    I had to go to no contact period. I convinced her sometimes but after 1 or 2 days she act the same……….
    I don’t know what I have to do to realize her that this life is not being tired of. She said she is still love me but we can no longer to stay with each other
    I have to get her back. I want her.
    I don’t know Kevin what to do………. Plz help

    • Kevin October 10, 2014, 12:25 pm

      Hey,

      I replied to your comment here.

  • A.S October 12, 2014, 12:31 pm

    Hey all!

    When my ex and I broke up I came onto this site because I was desperate, I didn’t know what to do.

    Its been 1.5 months since we broke up and last night we got back together. I can honestly say that everything that Kevin talks about is true, between the no-contact period and working on yourself and becoming a happier person, I can honestly tell you 100% that this website changed my life. Kevin’s idea of working on yourself and becoming happier not only helped me to get my ex back, but it also helped me to turn my life around and really let me be happy with who I am.

    I wish all of you the best of luck with your endeavours! Just remember, even when things are tough and seem hopeless, you’ve just got to stay strong and perceiver. They always get better!

    Thanks so much Kevin! You’ve completely changed my life!

    • Kevin October 13, 2014, 10:47 am

      Thank you A.S for sharing your story. Good luck with your relationship. 🙂

  • theres October 12, 2014, 12:37 pm

    Hi think your information is what I need right now.I met a really nice guy was with him for 3 months but had gone straight from a previous relationship into this one with trust issues from previous relationship now I look back I can see how stupid I’ve been I was keep sending this bf messages all the time thinking he was lying to me but really he wasint.he told me there wasint a future the way that I am that I need space on my own for a bit which I know is true, he said that’s the only reason he wanted to break up he really does like me as I really like him,he says this is just as hard for him as it is me but i did say to him if I sorted myself out, sorted my head out would he be intrested in trying again he said he wouldint say no.I know its me I have to get hold of my life start having fun, be happy and try and forget what happened in pass.we have been doing the no contact, how long do you think i should wait till I get back in contact with him.I am doing really well I’ve been following your information.

  • therese October 13, 2014, 8:16 am

    Hi I think your website is really helpful just what I need right now.my problem is I have been in this relationship for 3 months, I came into this relationship straight from a previous relationship with trust issues.I kept texting this partner thinking he was lying to me even tho he wasint it got that bad that he said it can’t go on like this and I need time on my own to have fun go out with friends etc and to get my life back.he said this is just as hard for him as it is for me as he really likes me and I really like him aswell.he said this texting was the only problem so I asked him if I got myself sorted out would he be intrested in starting again he said he wouldint say no.I know he is right I do need space to sort myself out.I’ve not spoke to him since just wondered how long you think I should wait before I get in contact with him its been 2 weeks now but I am doing really well I’ve been following the steps on your website just starting to look after myself.I do miss not spending time with him but I know when i feel ready it will be all worthwhile.

  • Denny October 13, 2014, 6:12 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I feel as though I’m in a very complicated situation.
    My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, saying that she couldn’t see herself with the person I was at the time. But I also found out that she had developed feelings for one of my friends in the past 2 weeks. They had known each other and talked for about 2 years now.
    During these past 2 weeks, I’ve realized and accepted that I wasn’t a very good boyfriend to her, and I am able to see how she lost interest. During these same 2 weeks, I’ve also made grand attempts at showing her that I understand her and that I want to change, not just for her, but for myself. We hung out one weekend post breakup, I took care of her while she was sick, we also engaged in sex once.

    • Kevin October 14, 2014, 9:47 am

      Hey Denny,

      Ask her if she wants to get back together. If she says no, tell her you need some space and time to accept the breakup and start no contact.

  • soyuz October 13, 2014, 10:18 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I want to start the NC period, but my ex and I work at the same place. What do do? -Thanks

  • Adrian October 14, 2014, 7:30 am

    Hey. After my girlfriend forgave me for past mistakes she finally took me back. We were even talking about getting a place together until she found pictures of another ex on my phone. Now she blocked my number and won’t talk to me. I’ve done all the mistakes you outline…now what?

    • Kevin October 14, 2014, 9:49 am

      Do no contact for a while. Give her time to calm down. If she doesn’t unblock you in one month, send her an email.

  • david October 14, 2014, 2:31 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My wife broke up with me and left me heartbroken last August after 12 years, we have a Kid, and he is 9 years old.

    Your stapes looks all wreaths going for it, and I do indeed thank you for that. However, do you have something for me with a kid still living with his mam, and he is reaching out to get two hared headed people together.

    I looked at the relationship as a dream with some nightmares, and she now looks at it as a nightmare with some dreams. I still love her, she stopped.

    I lived for the past 3 years in the UK, for my medical training, and she lives in the Netherlands. we had before a lot of problems starting from the financial problems and we couldn’t do every things we wanted, and I did not come up with what I promised her to do, that is one of the reasons I moved to London.

    She is now with someone we meet at a holyday, he left his family too, and that was just 2 months ago. I extremely over reacted, to the point that my heart stopped and letter had a mini stroke.

    And then, when I found out she slept with this man, I made it worst then you could visualize with letters, phone calls and text messages and it is now a mass , she does not want to talk to me .

    Nevertheless, when I am on the phone with my son, she is always there and now the phone is always on speaker. She is now anger of me, fearful of me and disappointed, and me too of her and me.

    Till me what to do ? I am lost

    • Kevin October 17, 2014, 3:10 am

      Hey David,

      Follow the plan. Don’t talk to her unless it’s about your kid. If she tries to talk to you, tell her you need space and time to deal with the breakup. After a month of no contact, send the letter mentioned above apologizing for your actions.

  • Dana Bazzanella October 14, 2014, 9:19 pm

    This is a question for contacting him. If he doesn’t have a cell phone how do I contact him once the no contacting period is done?

    • Kevin October 17, 2014, 3:11 am

      Email, facebook or a hand written letter.

  • soyuz October 14, 2014, 11:31 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I neglected my girlfriend for almost five years. She finally realized that she was working hard to make me happy and I never did the same for her. After crying to for two days she decided that she needed to change. She told me that we didnt have a connection and that she thought that she wanted to be alone now. I got scared when I saw her determination and promised her to change and give her the love and attention she always craved. She just says that she is confused and is not sure what to do next, but she definitely doesn’t want to be a servant anymore. She has been in this situation for two consecutive relationships spanning almost twelve years. She has been an angel to me and I realized that now. She hasn’t officially broken up with me, but she is completely different. We barely talk and she shows little to no interest in me, which is utterly shocking to me. She couldn’t go one hour without texting me before. Does NC applies here? I tried it for one day so far, but I’m not sure if it applies here because I don’t want her to think that I don’t care about here. Again, she hasn’t broken up with me at this point. Thanksl

  • Sarah October 15, 2014, 8:42 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I don’t know if you still have my previous comments from before but if I explain the whole story it would take hours. So long story short, I saw my ex again and he apologised for everything saying he panicked when he felt things getting serious. As it’s long distance I was only able to spend two weeks with him and from the beginning of those two weeks we got the romance thing back on track. We obviously weren’t as close as before but we were still pretty close and he said he was really happy to have me back here. Throughout the two weeks we had a few ups and downs but we got through them. But by the last day something happened and everything took a turn for the worst. He didn’t even come to say goodbye. It’s been nearly seven weeks and I haven’t even tried contacting him and he hasn’t contacted me either. I’m scared of making things worse if that’s even possible. I got him back then lost him again in the space of two weeks. I’m completely stuck and have no idea where to go from here.

    • Kevin October 17, 2014, 5:00 am

      Contact him Sarah. If things don’t work out, at least you’ll know it’s over for sure and you can concentrate on moving on.

  • Riffka October 16, 2014, 5:00 pm

    I am so miserable right now. I’ve been in a rebound relationship for 4 months.. And the worst part is that he broke up with me, when I actually started feeling something special for him.

  • Philip October 17, 2014, 4:51 am

    Hi,

    So my girlfriend and I recently broke up after seven years of dating. At first it was mutual, be both felt “off” and honestly I felt like I could use some time alone. So I planned to move out (we both moved from the same city to the one our university is in, my schooling is done now). But then my plans to move out were cancelled and I started having second thoughts and I brought up giving it another shot, but she had already (within days) found someone new.

    This hit me harder than I expected and I did what every relationship guru says not to do and I turned into a… well, you get the point. She now had all the power. The reason she wanted to keep trying things with this new guy and not give me another chance was my fault. I took her for granted. Let the relationship go stale. Let myself go. I was stupid, basically, and you know how it goes… don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
    We’re still living together (so NC is impossible for now) but I am moving out within the next few days. I plan on doing the things I’ve read here, it’s just that there will now be six hours between the two of us making some aspects difficult, long distance and all. Also, I wasn’t close with her best friend, so texting her wouldn’t work… although I may find a way to stumble into one of her other friends at work.

    I’m worried about the guy. He is the total opposite of me. He’s extremely extroverted whereas I am introverted, which is where a lot of the trouble came from — I couldn’t handle doing some things out in public (she mentioned my weirdness about PDA). I’m working on it though. I’m coming out of my shell. But this guys is taking her to do all the things I foolishly never did. She says she really really likes him.

    Just a moment ago she sat down by me to talk, heard me clacking away at the keyboard and asked what I was up to. Said I was chatting with someone and she assumed it was a girl. Asked multiple times who she is. I didn’t say, because I am not a liar, I will however omit some things. I told her she should do something this coming weekend so I could have the apartment to myself. She asked if it was to have someone over, I didn’t lie, just shrugged. In reality its when I plan on moving out and I don’t want her there for that. So she said, “I guess we never really would have worked out since you moved on so quick.” I asked her how often she thought of me and she said, “Not really much. How much do you think of me?” And I felt like this was a trap. I wanted so badly to tell her the truth. That she is the first thing I think about when I wake and last thing when I go to sleep. But I didn’t, kept my cool, and shrugged with an “eh.” This was… impossible to do. I wanted so badly to tell my feelings.

    A little while later she came out and was completely different towards me. Cold, silent, obviously angry. Having her get a little jealous seems like a good thing, but having her angry doesn’t seem like it is very productive. Wouldn’t that just push her into the other guys arms more? She talked normally to me after hanging out with him as well, so that sucked. All I can think of is that affection I once received going elsewhere. I’m so used to hugging her and everything… I’m lost.

    I apologies for how long this is, I guess I’ve been looking for someone to say all this to and now it’s all coming out. I’m hoping for assurances, but what I really want is the hard truth, your opinion on my luck in the future. Anything.

    And during NC I plan to work on myself, physically and emotionally. Right now I feel like she’s a drug, and I don’t want to see her again until I can be confident in myself enough not feel that way.

    • Philip October 18, 2014, 12:01 pm

      I could really use some help Kevin

    • Kevin October 19, 2014, 2:36 am

      Hey,

      You do have a chance and her relationship is probably a rebound. But like I say in the article, you should be prepared for the worst and accept the fact that even if she doesn’t come back, you are going to be OK.

  • Laura October 17, 2014, 6:25 am

    Hi,
    my ex and I were together for 2 years and never had any major issues, but I broke his trust. In April, when my current ex and I were still together, my other ex contacted me, and I replied. My boyfriend found out and we went on a break, he then decided to give me another chance, but last week, I saw my old ex out, and I spoke to him, just to say hello, and not be rude, and my boyfriend broke up with me over it. I was angry and walked out as I hadn’t done anything wrong, but them I made the mistake of contacting my ex and we were flirting. I only did it because I was angry. My boyfriend found out and now said he won’t give me another chance as he gave me one before and I still broke his trust. I know this all seems very confusing, but if I follow your steps, do you still think I have a chance of working things out with him, even though at the moment, he says he definitely doesn’t want to get back together?
    Thank you!

  • Mema October 17, 2014, 3:50 pm

    Hey again Kevin ..
    well .. i didn’t give you much details about my relationship at the first post .. so .. here is the whole story ..
    i met my boyfriend 4 years ago at university .. and he had a crush on my .. so .. he told me that .. and after 6 month .. we told each other that we love each other ..
    so .. that’s how the best 3 years in my life started ..
    alot of people were against our relationship .. but we didn’t care .. we loved each other ALOT .. and we were having the best time ever ..
    A year ago .. we were under alot of pressure in the college because it was our graduation year.. and we fought alot .. so i asked him to break up .. and agreed to be friends .. but after a month i told him it was a mistake and i want him back .. but he said that he don’t love me anymore and he’s happy without me .. i asked for another chance .. he didn’t accept and .. we were friends .. but we acted like we are more than that .. so after a month .. he told me that he loves me .. we dated for 6 months .. but he told me that he’s not ready for commitment but when he’ll be ready .. I’m the only one he wants to be with .. so we never talked about getting married “we did alot the first 2 years” .. then we had a big fight .. and didn’t talk for a week .. a mutual friend told him that im seeing another guy “i wasn’t! And IDK why she did this to us” so he told her he’s doing thae same .. and she told me .. so i contacted him and do all the deadly mistakes .. he gave me a rough week .. but at the end .. he told me that he loves me .. and there’s no other girl that he want to be with .. but it was to make me jealous .. so .. we were dating again .. but he was spending much more time with his friends .. and i wasn’t ok with that .. so .. one time i got made alot .. called and yelled at him .. and say bad things about him and his friends .. and hang up on him. .. then i released that i was over reacting and called him again .. but no answer .. he didn’t answer me for a week and i was calling non stop .. at last i talked to a friend of him .. and we met twice .. had a great last date .. and he told me that he loves me at the end but i think it slipped out from him and he did not want me to find out that he still do .. so .. i started NC for 2 weeks .. then he called .. telling me to go out with him on a date .. i said .. ok .. and it was amazing .. at the end .. we got back together .. and talked about getting married and stuff again .. this went for 2 and a half months .. then we had a big fight and he broke up with me .. i did all the deadly mistakes again .. and after 2 weeks .. he unblocked me .. and i did the same .. so .. he talked to me .. as friends .. but after a while he told me that he loves me .. but i played hard to get .. so .. we went away with my friends for 2 days .. and he was romantic and sweet .. and planned a romantic surprise for me .. so i told him i love him back and i want us to get back together .. and he was like :”oh wait .. what? .. i love you but i don’t want to be with you again! ” .. so we talked for hours .. and we agreed on giving ourselves time to work on our relationship ..and .. it was great .. for a week.. then he was busy for 2 days .. and on th 3rd day .. he had time .. so he decided to spend it with his friends not with me .. when he got back .. i was mad .. told him that im breaking up with him this time not him .. and some other stuff i regret now 🙁 .. he blocked me on all social media and IM .. 🙁 ..
    and at last he was really mad .. and told me .. “do you really think that i would talk to you ever again after all the things you said?” ..i apologised next day .. he said that he forgive me but he want me out of his life and after our last call .. i started the NC .. now I’m at day 10 .. he didn’t try to contact me yet 🙁 .. I’m working on my self .. but still I’m afraid that i screw up and that i have no more chance with him ..
    what do you think Kevin? 🙁
    Is there any hope?
    I know he loved me alot before but now .. i don’t feel that anymore 🙁

    • Kevin October 18, 2014, 6:57 am

      Hey,

      I think you do have a chance. But you guys have a lot of issues you need to work on. I’ll recommend you do no contact for at least 3 months before contacting him. This will give you the time and space to figure out what was wrong with the relationship and whether getting back with him is a good idea.

  • Mo October 17, 2014, 11:56 pm

    Hello,
    I have found this article really settling. I am chosing to take the advise and have the perspective of space to really improve myself and be happy. One thing different is that my boyfriend and I are just on a ‘break’. He made the call as I was struggling to trust after he had done something a while ago that broke the trust, and I also found myself because of trust issues feeling anxious with separation.

    He made it clear that it was not a ‘break up’ and that we were still girl friend and boyfriend and are not to hook up with others, but we are not to act like couples and to have space. I now see the benefits for me with the break (which was not given a time frame) so I can break that attachment and become confident in myself again, but I don’t feel like it will help my trust with him.

    I have used this time to really work out what upsets me and triggers my unability to trust, but what would you suggest to make this work ? How should I go about getting him to change as well.

    He also has an event at his work on in a week that I have helped him get numbers for (which he really needed). If I and my friends don’t go there won’t be as many people. Do I still go and just not communicate with him? Just so I show respect for him by still helping with numbers or do I just ditch.

    • Kevin October 18, 2014, 6:50 am

      You should go to the event. You can even communicate with him but don’t talk about anything personal and keep conversations short.

      When you are ready to get back in touch, you can lay out clearly what you require from him in the relationship and what are your expectations. If he is unwilling to put in any effort, then tell him both of you should continue the break for a little while more.

  • KC October 18, 2014, 1:59 am

    I told my ex I need to keep a good distance from him for a while, but you mentioned not to tell them in this article, so what should I do?

    • Kevin October 18, 2014, 7:02 am

      That’s alright. Don’t worry about it.

  • Jess October 19, 2014, 12:38 am

    My ex and I broke up yesterday after a 1-month relationship. I’m a female (25) and she is a female (37 years old). The reason was that we were fighting and she is very sensitive and every fight is very bad for her emotional health. So she broke things off. She knows I deal with break ups via no contact so she told me she wasn’t going to contact me until I decided to contact her, if I decide at all. Does that make no contact pointless for getting her back?

    • Kevin October 19, 2014, 2:37 am

      Nope, it doesn’t.

  • Marie October 19, 2014, 1:47 pm

    Hi Kevin
    It has been 7 months since my split and I have just finished my 30 day no contact and I’m feeling good. Trying to reattract him via texts and every response I get is negative. Can I have a little advice on how to approach this situation?

    • Kevin October 20, 2014, 11:54 am

      Hey Marie,

      In that case, you should do no contact again for a month.

  • Steve October 19, 2014, 7:08 pm

    Kevin,

    I thought your article and advice were unusually level-headed and insightful. My ex and I split up in mid June (more than 4 months ago), after a very unpleasant spat in a restaurant. No shouting, no throwing of drinks into faces, just very tense and unpleasant, and it was my fault. I had never seen her so upset as after that encounter. Our relationship had been deteriorating in the previous months and things had been getting more and more testy. We still see each other occasionally socially (we have a lot of mutual friends), and in those circumstances are on civil and even friendly terms. But we are not in contact — she cut off contact the day after the restaurant thing.

    I love her and want to win her back. I’m confident that I’ll handle her and things much differently and more effectively — if I get the chance. I observed the No Contact rule for more than two months, and since then have sent a couple of friendly notes — one a thank-you after she picked up something I had dropped, and one saying that I had enjoyed a brief but friendly chat we had had the day before. Two weeks ago I sent a long note acknowledging some of my faults, and last week I wished her happy birthday.

    She hasn’t responded to any of these messages. So I wait, and wonder what else to do. I guess I will eventually decide what other options I have, and whether it’s better to just move on.

    Trying to stay positive and to keep a stiff upper lip.

  • Lindsey October 19, 2014, 9:29 pm

    I stayed no contact, and then wrote the suggested letter. It’s been a week but still no reply. What should I do, just move on now?

    • Kevin October 20, 2014, 12:02 pm

      Send a text as mentioned in the article.

  • just-tim October 19, 2014, 11:24 pm

    hello Kevin.
    My story is long, just like i’m Shaw many of your devoted followers relationship stories are so ill keep this short and if you want to hear the full story ide love to tell it and love to get everyone’s input..

    I will start with a sincere thankyou to you Kevin Thompson, YOU SAVED MY LIFE. When my ex of 7 years broke up with me I was on the boarders of suicide, I don’t want to go into it in detail but killing myself was only days away.

    As I said ill keep it short for now,
    I signed up for you email counselling and just this one thing is what saved my life. Kevin your emails gave me one thing to look forward to every day, at a time when everything in life seems pointless and you feel like there’s nothing worth living for just knowing your going to receive a motivational email every few days is lifesaving.

    So thank you: Kevin “lifesaver” Thompson.

    PS: Things between my ex and I haven’t worked out the way I would have wanted it to, on the 24th of October it will be 3 months since my ex left me, im still trying to get her back but she is an extremely head strong individual with a few emotional walls to break down. I have the up most faith that with kelvins coaching along with the other information he provides normal female would have been begging to have me back in her life but my ex is special (that’s why I love her so)..

    thank you
    tim

    • Kevin October 20, 2014, 12:03 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment Tim. I am glad this website and the email were helpful.

  • Isabel October 20, 2014, 11:13 am

    What if your ex’s birthday is around the corner, should I say happy birthday?

    • Kevin October 20, 2014, 12:04 pm

      You can text, but keep it short.

  • Mema October 20, 2014, 3:13 pm

    Hey again Keven ..
    i told you before about my ex .. We’ve been together for 3 years ..
    We broke up 2 weeks ago .. and i started NC immediately .. anyway ..
    i ran into him today ..
    he was with a friend of us .. I said hi .. he said hi back .. I talked to our friend for a minute .. he stod aside .. acting like he met a stranger .. and didn’t say a word ..
    what does this mean?

    • Kevin October 21, 2014, 6:58 am

      Doesn’t really mean anything. Don’t overthink it. Continue no contact.

      • Mema October 21, 2014, 9:41 am

        I couldn’t help myself .. I sent him a message .. I tried to make it casual .. told him that we are not strangers and if he had a free time we should meet .. and it’ll be fun .. but he didn’t answer me .. So .. I acted needy and desperate again .. sending him tons of messages .. at first they were all funny and friendly .. still no answer .. finally .. I told him as a joke .. I’m gonna kill myself .. when he didn’t reply .. I sent him a photo .. me holding pills .. and said I’ll take them all .. but even that didn’t change anything .. and he did not call or even text me!
        I feel like he doesn’t care anymore about me 🙁

        • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:13 am

          Well Mema, as you might have guessed, what you did was a huge mistake. He probably knows you were just acting out of desperation and desperation is unattractive, which is the reason why he didn’t want to reply.

          You should start no contact again. This time, don’t make any mistakes. And make sure you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of Step 4 before ending no contact.

          • Mema October 22, 2014, 3:18 pm

            Ok I’ll .. I hope that I still have a chance with him .. we were amazing together .. and I wish that never ended ..
            I know he was tired from all the problems .. and from being hurt each time he came back to me .. but I really want to change in order to give this amazing relationship a last chance ..
            starting NC again .. and I’m sure i can check the list soon .. 😀
            I’m hoping I’m not to late .. but I’ll do my best ..
            Thanks alot Kevin ..
            wish me luck .. I really want things to work between us 🙁

          • Mema October 23, 2014, 4:20 am

            Kevin .. I’ve posted before all the details about my relationship “long version of my story” .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply )..
            in which stage of healing process you think he’s in? ..
            Breakup Pain Healing?
            Bad Memories Healing?
            Missing Me Badly?
            Or Moving On?

          • Kevin October 24, 2014, 7:58 am

            He is in the initial stage. Don’t worry about it, he is not going to move on during no contact.

  • Soyuz October 20, 2014, 4:47 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I neglected my girlfriend for almost five years. She finally realized that she was working hard to make me happy and I never did the same for her. After crying to for two days she decided that she needed to change. She told me that we didnt have a connection and that she thought that she wanted to be alone now. I got scared when I saw her determination and promised her to change and give her the love and attention she always craved.

    She just says that she is confused and is not sure what to do next, but she definitely doesn’t want to be a servant anymore. She has been in this situation for two consecutive relationships spanning almost twelve years. She has been an angel to me and I realized that now. She hasn’t officially broken up with me, but she is completely different. We barely talk and she shows little to no interest in me, which is utterly shocking to me.

    Does NC applies here? I tried it for one day so far, but I’m not sure if it applies here because I don’t want her to think that I don’t care about here. Again, she hasn’t broken up with me at this point. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

    • brooke October 20, 2014, 7:07 pm

      No…..see this happened to me my boyfriend didn’t talk to me after he hurt me. For a girl its irritating when you tell someone something and you think they don’t listen the best thing to do is talk about it tell her how you feel if you become vulnerable to her and share your thoughts it will make her more understanding

      • Soyuz October 21, 2014, 2:39 pm

        Thank you Brook.

    • Kevin October 21, 2014, 6:59 am

      Giver her space, but don’t cut her off completely. If she calls or texts, reply to her. Don’t pressure her into anything. If she decides to break up, follow the plan.

  • anjali October 20, 2014, 6:38 pm

    Hi, I submitted a post yesterday. It met the guidelines so I’m not sure why hasn’t been posted. I’m not sure if it just did’t go through and I should post again.

    Thanks

    • Kevin October 21, 2014, 7:03 am

      Hey Anjali,

      Sorry about that, I don’t usually approve new comments here. If you have questions regarding your relationship or breakup, you should post in the message boards. You will get a much faster response.

  • alice October 21, 2014, 2:50 am

    Hi Kevin, i broke up with my boyfriend one month ago, of course i have made all the mistakes you have said not to do,the calling, texting, begging, you name it, now i feel like i have lost him forever because he told me point blank that i need to accept the breakup and move on with my life, the most difficult part is that we work in the same building and i have to see him everyday, i have no idea what to do,I urgently need your help before i go crazy.Thanks.

    • Kevin October 21, 2014, 7:07 am

      Hey Aice,

      Read this article.

    • prakash November 20, 2014, 11:33 am

      In my opinion you should dress good and try to ignore him. It will be hard for few days but when he will start noticing you that you have stopped thinking and looking at him he will start noticing u…

  • Chris October 21, 2014, 10:58 am

    Hello Kevin. For the first year of my relationship I was a fun, confident guy, whom my girlfriend respected and fell in love with. I too fell in love with her, and we moved in together. At some point I realized I was happier than I had ever been, and had more to lose than ever before. I freaked out, and have spent the past year becoming a desperate, needy bloke who gave her everything she wanted, even if it wasn’t what she needed. I saw she was unhappy but I didn’t realize why, so just pressed harder to be there for her and love her and support her. Trouble was, this was smothering her, and out of the blue, she has told me it’s over, because she loves me, but is not ‘in love’ with me any more. She has explicitly stated that even if she falls in love with me again in the future, she will ignore those feelings. She will never ever come back, because we tried and failed, and she won’t try again. She is a stubborn person, and I am concerned that she will stick to her guns. Truth is, we once made each other very happy, and I can see a future for us. Have you had any experience with people who have tried to win back their ex after a few months of time apart when the person who left is determined not to ever go back? What should I do? I am accepting that we may never be together again, but I truly believe we could have a wonderful future together, and it would be such a shame to see everything we built go to waste.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:13 am

      Yes, it has happened in quite a few cases. You should follow the plan.

    • Dewald December 27, 2014, 7:23 pm

      Chris that is exactly the situation that i am in but my relationship is still in honeymoon stage. Problem is, she is un-affectionate which drives me crazy and raises my insecurities.

      I am not a insecure guy in any form but now i am second guessing myself all the time. Its driving me crazy. She hates the way i am acting now and tells me ive gone all weird.
      But i feel i have a very valid point here, she is cold… like ice cold… It feels like she has lost the spark or that is what i am making up in my head…..

      See where i am at, i need to somehow revert back to me default setting but she said that she has been in relationships like this and it never improves and people dont change.
      I played house with her to make sure that our amazing relationship flourishes and we can get use to each other….
      The kicker is that the normal me, stock standard is what she wants but…. she is still cold, never use to be like this…. I am going mad….. I am all up in my own head arguing and debating……

      The advice youve given makes complete sense and i will follow it verbatim.
      Question: The last communication was not what i will call a high note, Can you leave on a sour goodbye? Wont that last communication resonate and come up as a memory at the next meeting?

      I have been in so many relationships and never gave the full monty, Treat them mean keep them keen and its worked for i dont know how long… With my current GF, i see a future and i gave in to my reservations and played open cards to ensure that there is no secrets between us. She respected that but it feel like i traded my 4×4 in for a Scooter…. I feel unarmed and fueled with her un affectionate nature, i start craving hugs and kisses and opening the doors to my insecurities…
      Wow, how complicated is this, i am so perplexed and confused and it feels that every move i make pushes her further away.

      Please can someone give me some perspective, I need advice or someone to tell me what to do, i feel like a novice… Bazaar!!!

      That is it for the -unhappy hour… 🙂

      Thank you

  • anil kumar October 21, 2014, 3:01 pm

    hai thank you so much first it was very useful article…u r genious

  • Anjali October 21, 2014, 8:55 pm

    Odd, I guess I will post again and see if it goes through this time. Perhaps my post never registered with the site.

    I’m struggling with deciding how much longer I should do no contact/ or not contact him at all ever again .It has now been a month since we broke up ( I broke up with him) .
    Summary of what happened:

    We dated total 2.5 years, 1 ish year in college, 1 ish year long distance. Relationship in college was great and were at one point thinking marriage. Had some tiffs regarding him prioritizing/ picking me over friends etc. but things got better. Main issue is that he is an investment banker. extremely busy and once he graduated and started working we started doing long distance.

    He basically started making no time for me at point . He always had work. We would chat a lot but phone calls ended up being a once a month thing which i got frustrated with. I said we had to talk more and he kept saying he’d try harder except he never did. I visited him a few times and visits would be great and our connection would be good but it would go to same old same old once i got back.

    In may at one point he told me that all he needed was money and he knew he hadn’t been trying and I should break up with him and find someone better. He didn’t end things with me though. We didn’t break up but things didn’t really get better or worse. I brought up breaking up a few times after that but never actually went through with it but it def. created a lot of tension and things kind of stopped being enjoyable. He got vacation and booked at ticket to vacation instead of coming to see me even though he’s never visited which really upset me.

    Last month, i got very frustrated with not talking on the phone for a whole week again so i called and broke it off. I asked if he was going to stop me. he said ” no, my career’s more important right now.” We hung out. I called him a week later and he didn’t respond so I emailed and told him I think I needed a few months of space but I want to try things again. However, he didn’t respond. it’s been about 4 weeks since I sent the email and i haven’t contacted him again…no begging.

    I’m not sure what to do now. i still want him back i guess, but since he didn’t respond to me idk what to do. Do i never contact him again:? it seems like he’s already done with this and moved on. it also seems like he may just not be ready for the commitment and to settle down on one girl, even though our relationship used to be great.long distance is what made things go south because he wasn’t willing to give the time commitment to keep the connection alive enough. funny thing is though i broke it off, I feel like I got broken up with.

    Do I do another month of no contact and call/ email again? What form of communication would be best. I’m just really not sure how to do this anymore.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:28 am

      Hey,

      You should do another month of no contact. I think a text will be a good place to start. If he doesn’t reply, you should wait another month. If still nothing, you should consider moving on.

      • anjali October 22, 2014, 10:15 am

        What should i say when i reach out when the second month ends? Should I say that it’t been two months and I’ve had the time and space and I want to talk and see where things go, but that I’m not going to convince him if he doesn’t feel the same? That I’m doing this for myself so that I don’t have regrets?

        Or do I contact him casually, ask how he’s doing? I feel like he might see through that pretty easily.

        • Kevin October 24, 2014, 7:40 am

          Start casually. Even if he is suspicious about your intentions, it doesn’t change anything.

        • Balaji Sendur Pandiyan November 2, 2014, 4:39 am

          Anjali move on. Look around for person who loves u since ur boy friend do not care u. Even I had break up with my girl friend I begged her to forgive me but she treated me as like a road side dog now I’m alone and trying to forget her. So bottom line stop thinking ur bf and search people who love u. Thanks

  • Kevin October 22, 2014, 7:09 am

    Brief overview.

    -Dated almost a year. Both came from history of previous long term relationships ending in hurt (Say this wondering if I was the rebound). Had a rough patch for a few weeks, relationship ended in July (mostly her idea, agreed it was for the best). Attempted being friends for a couple months. My feelings still lingered visibly, could tell she was feeling it less. Her sister got married in August, planned to be her date months previously. Attended, but things were weird for me and it showed. She was annoyed by my awkwardness when I had to be introduced as her friend. Didnt hang out for a month or so after, but stayed in contact. Called her out on turning down my hangouts. Wrote an appology email after, received a reply of her basically saying “if you want to cut me out of your life, thats your decision….we need time to heal….maybe someday we can be friends” Didnt understand the “cut me out of your life…” mixed with “need time to heal” attempted to text her a couple days after, too much effort and it was felt. Stopped talking. Came across this site and proceeded to reach the 30 day goal. I’m now at week 3 (day 21). Anything you can make from this? Is it worth persuing? Or do I need to lean to let things go? I love and miss the girl but dont want to “hunt her down” so to speak. She’s used to being treated a certain way from previous guys, and I personally think its something she has to outgrow. And the only way (in my eyes) would be if she were the one to come back to me.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:38 am

      Hey Kevin,

      Considering you both need time to heal, from your previous relationships as well as this one, you should increase no contact to two months. I can’t tell you if it’s worth pursuing or not, it’s for you to decide. If you think she is worth it, it’s worth pursuing. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll know that you tried and it’ll be easier for you to move on.

  • Chris October 22, 2014, 11:21 pm

    Hello!
    So, I’m trying to use this system, but having a hard time with the no contact! Made it 11 days b/f I caved! All the messages I did send were all positive while utilizing your techniques. My ex broke up with me a month ago and still (in my opinion) giving me mixed signals. I guess I’ve only been searching why she neglects to answer my questions about ways to get her own things back? Why she won’t answer if it’s ok to mail her earrings, CD’s, and other things to her house? In addition, asking for things of my own back? Why she won’t respond? Also, why she can’t answer (previously b/f I started this system) my question if she has moved on or not?
    I’m having a real hard time figuring out whether or not I’m just wasting my time bc I don’t have the slightest clue on where she is at.
    I have been on a date (not the greatest date) and really only thought about my ex the whole time.
    I guess since I broke the “no contact” rule does that mean I shiud start over or go to the texts?
    I finally feel that I’m getting to the point of not thinking about her all the time. I know I’m making progress, I just don’t want to lose this one. I really care about her.
    Any and all feedback is much appreciated!
    Thanks!
    -CCA

    • Kevin October 24, 2014, 7:56 am

      You should start over. There could be two reasons why she won’t answer to those questions.

      1. She is not ready to let go completely since those things are in a symbolic way the only thing that’s connecting her to you.

      2. She doesn’t want to talk to you at the moment since she is angry/hurt/mad. The things are not that much important to her and she plans to take them later or maybe never.

  • Isabelgonzalezx October 23, 2014, 4:55 pm

    Hey, I’m Isabel. Me and my ex boyfriend met in the beginning of hot summer july. he asked me out a month later..I was so happy. But 2 months later (10.6.14) he broke up with me. Simply because I couldn’t make him happy. When I try to talk to him about our relationship he says I am so negative. And annoying…. I try to be happy but it’s so hard. He says he lost feelings too. What should I do? I really love him…

    • Kevin October 24, 2014, 8:05 am

      Follow the plan Isabel.

  • Mema October 23, 2014, 11:16 pm

    Kevin .. I’ve posted before all the details about my relationship “long version of my story” .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply )..
    in which stage of healing process you think he’s in? ..
    Breakup Pain Healing?
    Bad Memories Healing?
    Missing Me Badly?
    Or Moving On?

    • Mema October 23, 2014, 11:23 pm

      And thanks alot Kevin .. for what you are doing .. helping thousands of couples to be together again .. and not wanting anything in return .. You are GREAT! ..

  • Roberto October 23, 2014, 11:30 pm

    Hey Kevin thank you for your article help me a lot deciding what to do when my girlfriend broke up with me.
    I’m thinking on the pros and cons of the relationship now.
    I haven’t decided if is the best go back to her.

  • Leilani October 24, 2014, 7:36 am

    We always get back on track and then i ask too many questions or try to be too lovey dovey, going solely off of his vibe. I do agree I probably text or message too much but i don’t want to lose him because of it. He told me yesterday to not text him because im aggravating and can’t tell. but the day before he was telling me how much he loved me and my attitude. i responded by telling him there are other guys who want to have sex with me but i dont want it with them and he doesn’t get how much i like it with him and that the day before thats what i meant by he just needs to tell me what he doesnt like about me or things i do and then me too but he has yet to say anything.
    what should i do? go quiet for a few days or weeks? then reach out again?
    i think i only act that way because of how much i like him.

  • alexruiz10 October 24, 2014, 3:24 pm

    My ex broke up with me a week ago. She’s 17 years old and turning 18 in two months and graduating in two months. I’m 20 years old. We dated for 13 months and fell in love with eachother. she recently messaged me saying this about the breakup” we won’t be like this forever, this is just temporary for now, but I see a future with you.
    ,I see us getting Married one day and having kids and exploring the world together, our connection is so strong it won’t ever Break. I’ll never stop loving you but right now I just want you to improve on yourself, we both have a lot of things to work on. Just letting you know this time off won’t be forever”.

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:53 am

      Follow the plan Alex.

  • Mistaken October 24, 2014, 10:26 pm

    I broke things off with my husband after years of manipulation. He’s been working on fixing these issues within himself, but about a week ago I told him to move on with his life. He’s now hardly spoken to me (and we have kids to consider). I miss him like crazy, and I’ve been guilty of breaking all the rules. Can I get him back (even though it was ME that called things off) by following the plan?

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:54 am

      Yes, there’s still a chance.

  • Jennifer October 25, 2014, 4:42 am

    Hey, so the no contact, how does this work with facebook? Do I refrain from writing status about my day or posting pictures showing what I am doing?
    For example “had a great dinner with my friends, thanks for keeping a smile on face” would this count as contact as my ex would be able to read this? Even though it is not directed to him
    Would not being on Facebook for the 30days allow him to think more about what is she doing? He broke up with me 4days ago as he says he didn’t have enough time for me anymore (basically to be with his friends instead) I’ve not contacted him in 3days but have put a number of updates on Facebook and he has be on Facebook A LOT (considerably amount than normal for him) Im afraid my no contact has been damaged by my Facebook statuses

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:59 am

      As long as the status updates are not about your ex, it doesn’t count as breaking no contact.

  • Ilias October 25, 2014, 7:47 am

    Hi kevin
    My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change.

  • Ilias October 25, 2014, 7:50 am

    Hi kevin
    My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change for me .

  • Carmelo October 26, 2014, 3:47 am

    Hey Kevin, i read the site and read people’s comments, but i also have a few questions of my own. If my partner told me to never text him/her again because during this “breakup” i guess i called/texted him/her several times(to show that i cared) but it backfired. Of course i read the steps and realized this. So now, he/she told me not to text again and this is their final text towards me. Will this process still work? Is that partner not willing anymore? This relationship have been a long long time now. 7 years about to be 8. Give me some ideas.

    • Kevin October 27, 2014, 10:23 am

      Yes, it’ll still be effective.

  • Lily October 26, 2014, 7:27 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I think your no contact rule makes a lot of sense, especially about your ex forgetting all of the negative things about you and to work on self improvements. My husband left me about 2 weeks ago. I’m not sure how to apply the no contact rule as he is in contact with me everyday because of the kids. We both only talk about the kids and leave any emotions out of it. Today he came over to see the kids and instigated intimacy. I don’t know if I should deny him as part of me thinks that if he is getting it from me, then he won’t go elsewhere, but the other part thinks it he could be just using me for sex until he finds someone else. As we are still married, I don’t want him to commit adultery whilst we are still married, but on the other hand he could have no respect for me whatsoever.

    • Lily October 29, 2014, 6:00 am

      Hi Kevin,

      Could you please clarify how I can proceed with NC when my husband contacts me a few times a day regarding the kids and visits every day to see the kids. What about the sex, is it just to satisfy his needs, or does he feel something for me, he closes his mouth so as not to kiss me. He has told me at least 3 times that he doesn’t love me and once he told me that he wouldn’t mind if I find someone else. We have been married for almost 8 years. How long should I do the NC and what should I tell him if he wants to initiate sex in the future. Since he left he has come to cut the grass, today I saw him cleaning the cobwebs, he came back after a few minutes of leaving to return a DVD which I had rented for our son and then came back about an hour later to give me some money. He has taken our bin out twice since leaving, but in the month prior to leaving he hadn’t touched the bin. Is he doing these things to make me happy so that we can be on good terms for the kids? or could it be something more??

  • Jeremy October 26, 2014, 7:25 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Great guide. How do you do the face to face meeting if your ex lives abroad? Obviously, it complicates matters. If it simplifies things with background, we had been dating for over 2 1/2 years before she moved abroad for the time being. When breaking up, distance was never a reason, but it more seemed to be collateral damage from acclimating to a new environment. Any advice here would be great.
    Thanks!

    • Kevin October 27, 2014, 10:27 am

      You start with skype. If things progress and it seems she is interested, then you can plan a trip abroad or for her to visit you.

  • Mema October 27, 2014, 7:17 am

    Thanx alot Kevin ..
    but I’m very afraid ..
    he’s acting all fine .. spending time with his friends .. and he looks like he’s having fun 🙁 ..
    I’m a close friend with his best friend .. (we are talking almost daily .. he’s helping me throw these hard times .. and he’s making sure for me to follow the plan) .. he told me my ex never mentioned me to him .. he’s doing great .. having alot of fun .. and I should move on like he did.. I know this sounds typical from his bff .. but when my ex went out with our mutual friends .. he acted exactly like his bff said 🙁 ..
    So I’m really afraid .. that he’s very tired from our relationship (all the fights ,the jealousy , the break ups and hurting him ) and he’s trying to move on .. 🙁
    And I know that he thinks our relationship ended from the first break up ” he was telling a new friend of him that .. and when I asked him why he said so .. he said it was hard to explain what happened the last year to her” .. and I’m afraid that the last year was his way on moving on 🙁
    What do you think Kiven ?
    P.s: my ex’s bff .. was with our break up at first .. and supported my ex to break up with me .. he thought we were awful together .. and we should break up .. but now .. after knowing me well .. he thinks that I love my ex too much .. and my ex is lucky to have someone like me .. and he even said that he’ll never find anyone how will love him like I did ..
    I’m keeping him updated on my progress following this 5 steps plan .. I even told him I have a date this week .. is this wrong?

    • Kevin October 27, 2014, 10:38 am

      Hey Mema,

      I strongly recommend that you stop contact with your ex’s best friend. Tell him that as part of your healing, you need to stop all communication from your ex, directly or indirectly. And through him, you are keeping tabs on your ex which is sort of defeating the purpose of no contact. If you are constantly thinking about your ex and his actions, you are not really concentrating on yourself.

      You shouldn’t really worry about what’s going on with your ex at this moment. Simply because there is nothing you can do about it. Even if he is tired of the relationship and trying to move on, you can’t stop him. If you try to, you will even make it worse. The best thing you can do is follow the plan, and you are doing that already.

      And even if he having fun with his life, doesn’t necessarily mean he is over you. It might just mean he is enjoying being single and away from the fighting and the negativity of the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean he will completely get over you anytime soon. When you see him again after no contact, you will have the opportunity to prove to him how much you’ve changed. And for that, you will have to use this NC period to make some actual changes in your life.

      • Mema October 29, 2014, 12:59 am

        Thanx Kevin .. I’m making huge changes in my life ” new look .. new job “passed the interview and they said I can start working from the beginning of the new year” .. soon I’ll start my master’s degree study “I passed the exam:-D” .. and I’m going to gym” I’m doing great.. and actually I’m having fun .. and I don’t talk to my ex’s bff about my ex .. we have normal talks usually.. but sometimes when I’m feeling down .. i talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling .. and he cheers me up and encourages me to continue what I’m doing “as my friend not as my ex’s bff” .. and that’s when he told me that I should move on .. Otherwise we never talk about my ex and what’s he doing on his life .. just .. normal conversations ..
        So should I really cut him off my life?
        I mean he’s a friend of mine too .. isn’t he?

        • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:41 am

          In that case, you shouldn’t cut him off. Just avoid talking to him about the ex.

          • Mema November 2, 2014, 10:50 am

            Hey Kevin ..
            I want to ask you this .. my ex wants us to talk dirty on Skype .. he said that I mean nothing to him.. not even a friend .. but he wants us to talk dirty ! “Long distances relationship”
            we were texting back and forth today .. “i ended NC after 1 month of break up”
            I don’t understand .. I’m old fashioned .. and we didn’t even have sex before .. and he knows that I don’t want to do anything sexual before marriage ..
            should I talk to him and during that talk about us? .. or create a new bliss moment with him and never.motion us?
            Or I should ignore him?
            Plz help asap .. I have 3 hours to tell him my response 🙁

          • Kevin November 3, 2014, 7:14 am

            I’d recommend you ignore him.

          • Mema November 2, 2014, 10:52 am

            And btw .. he will probably block me again after the talk thing 🙁 ..

  • Seana October 27, 2014, 12:11 pm

    Hello,

    So I was broken up with a little over a month ago, and was devastated. I googled “how to get him back” and found this website. Thank goodness for this website!!!! I followed all the steps, and on day 32 of “no contact” my ex called me, told me he loves me, and proposed to me!!! This is absolutely true, and I want to thank you for this website. It helped me so much!

    Thanks again!

    • Kevin October 28, 2014, 10:36 am

      Thank you for your comment Seana. I am glad the website helped. 🙂

  • Xynthia October 27, 2014, 9:37 pm

    Kevin,

    My boyfriend just broke up with me. I couldn’t handle it well. I kept crying and crying.
    I keep telling myself not to message him. I have no one to turn to now. I stop contacting my friends ever since i was with him.
    But it was all my fault. I lied to him about some things. I came clean with him and he said we can go through this together, but no. he said it’s too late.
    I really want him back and really want to prove to him that i have changed.
    What can i do now ? I have no one to confide in.

    • Kevin October 28, 2014, 10:38 am

      Follow the plan Xynthia.

  • Ben October 28, 2014, 9:36 am

    My wife and I have had a rocky marriage, but we just kept going. Finally, in frustration, I walked out almost a year ago. Since then in an effort to reconcile, I’ve broke all of your rules. I’m really hoping to ge back home, I miss my wife and children desperately.

    • Alec November 2, 2014, 9:48 pm

      I like what u said and I just saw my ex I guess what u call it dancing with another kid I know and it was hard to see but I liked what u said. Ps thankyou!

  • Sarah45 October 28, 2014, 12:26 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    I have asked a question on this comment board before, but my question was never answered so I hope you have a chance to help me this time.

    I was in a 2 year relationship. I don’t know if it is important to mention, but I was in a gay relationship, so my ex is a woman (in case it matters in terms of your feedback). Our relationship was very rocky and we were one of those couples who was on and off every two months. This on and off behavior started on the 2nd year of the relationship. And it created a lot of issues that we never worked through. Insecurity and lack of trust being the primary ones. Any argument we had would create a huge issue, we couldn’t find a way to work through our problems, which in turn the solution always was – breaking up.

    We have broken up again, for the 4th time. This time it feels like it is for good, but I have felt like other times were for good as well and we ended up getting back together. This time she was more determined and it just felt like there was no turning back. It has been two weeks since the break up now. The first week went by and I did relatively well not contacting her, but then saw that she may be going out with someone else and I reached out to her within a week of the break up. I realized that it was a big mistake to have contacted her, to have told her I still lover her, beg her not to leave, etc… So I stopped contact and haven’t spoken with her since.

    My question is – how does this plan work for a relationship that was so on and off? Do you believe I should give it more time than 30 days of no contact? Do you think I should move on? Any advice would be appreciated.

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 6:01 am

      Hey Sarah,

      Yes, I do recommend your no contact should be more than 30 days. Preferably 2-3 months. On and off relationships are unstable for a reason. And unless you are sure of the reason and are sure that you will be able to fix it this time, you shouldn’t get back together. She will still have feelings for you after 2-3 months. Especially if she is in a rebound right now. So, I don’t think you should really worry about her moving on. If arguments were your biggest issue, you can solve it with a little bit of work. Try reading “Non – Violent Communications” By Marshall Rosenberg. Or try getting individual therapy to solve any underlying issues you might have.

  • hearttrick October 28, 2014, 3:47 pm

    hey kevin what if you start sending text messages then she replies to the first once and later doesn’t reply anymore

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:56 am

      Back off for a couple of weeks and try again.

  • lara smiles October 28, 2014, 4:37 pm

    great job

  • Jake October 28, 2014, 4:55 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    After only 3 days of no contact. My ex initiated a conversation. She called. I didn’t answer. After the call I got a text. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. Have a good night. She said she found someone else. And she doesn’t want a relationship. Blah blah. What should I do?

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:56 am

      Don’t reply. If she keeps on calling and texting, tell her you need some space right now.

  • Alondra October 28, 2014, 5:21 pm

    what if your ex texted you first saying they miss & want you back in those 30 days, do you reply?

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:55 am

      It’s up to you. If you think you need some space, then you should tell them you need space right now. And hopefully after some time you both can figure things out. If you are absolutely sure getting back with your ex is a good idea, then you should take them back.

  • CNN October 29, 2014, 3:09 am

    Hey Kevin, I’ve already submit a message but apparently it didn’t go through.
    I find this site very helpful and it makes sense. But I would like to have proof it actually works? I mean, there must be reviews about the matter?

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:42 am

      Hey CNN,

      You can read the testimonials page here. There are also a few success stories in the comments section but they might be a little hard to find.

  • hailey October 29, 2014, 8:08 am

    Hey Kevin

    I really need help, I been trying to post this but nothing has ever gone through and im desperate and in need of help I have a daughter involved in all this please. I been with my ex for 5 years and we just recently broke up (technically we didn’t break up we got into a fight and he just completely ignored me and I found out 2 days later after our fight through Facebook he started dating someone else) I really don’t know that to do I love him so much and he still hasn’t even contacted me, not even our 2 1/2 year daughter. I really want out family back I been depressed I cant eat or sleep and lost 15 pounds in just 3 days. What should I do? Pleas e Kevin help me.

    And also I filed for child support on him since he wont even get ahold of me to help out with her. Does that ruin my chances of getting him back.

    and by the way he’s 24 and I’m 25

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 12:01 pm

      Hey Hailey,

      I am sorry you are going through this. It’s OK that you filed for child support. You still have a chance. Follow the plan.

  • jawa al assad October 29, 2014, 2:22 pm

    i find your advice perfect but there are some points were i didn’t know what to do because they did not match my situation like the no contact time
    we already lost contact and i’ve already used two deadly mistakes the last one was that i text ed him apologizing for my mistakes since it was my fault and he replied in a very mean way
    and after couple of days i texted him “to check on him” and he didnt reply
    p.s his freinds with my sister and they call and text couple of times a week
    and he is the kind of men who realy are stubborn
    any advice on how to do the no contact time and the hand written letter i cant do that because he is in the army and he is always on the job
    he takes off couple of hours a day to hangout and thats it
    HELP :(:(:(

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:16 pm

      Just start no contact again for at least 30 days and instead of a hand written letter send an email.

  • Yash October 30, 2014, 9:36 am

    We broke up a week ago..
    My girlfriend said she doesn’t love me anymore and she is completely over me..
    I did all which was possible(begging and asking for a second chance)
    I was way too possessive I agree which led to this.
    Is is possible to get her back when she has said that she is completely over me?

    Our relationship lasted for 4 months.

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:27 pm

      There’s still a chance still. Follow the plan.

  • Joe October 30, 2014, 1:40 pm

    What would you say about veiwing your ex’s profile even if your doing the “no contact”

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:23 pm

      You should try not to obsess over it. IF you can’t help yourself, it’s best to unfriend them, or remove yourself from facebook altogether for a while.

  • Tom October 30, 2014, 2:43 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I sent the Magic Letter five days ago. I’ve had no contact for five weeks. She has not called or contacted me yet. Not sure how to proceed or if she will contact me. Need some guidance.

    Tom

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:23 pm

      Send a text after a couple of days.

  • Tyler October 30, 2014, 6:44 pm

    Where is the right section to tell our history, can you please tell me? I’d like to share my feelings, because i need to move on or change this situation. Something.

  • t.s October 31, 2014, 11:37 am

    This does not cover what to do when your boyfriend leaves me while our relationship has been great for a year and he loves you, for his first love who comes back 10 years later and wants another chance. that first love is powerful and he broke up with me and now they are going to see if it will work. how do you deal with that one? how can their ‘old young love’ work out anyway if it has been over 10 yrs and she has been married and divorced and they are different people? he is telling me he has to find out if he made a mistake all those yrs ago and that he has loved her his whole life?

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:29 pm

      Hey t.s,

      I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I think there’s nothing you can do except wait it out and see. Just do no contact for a couple of months. IF after that you still want him, despite the fact that he left you for a “what could’ve been”, then you should contact him. You will probably get an idea if his new thing is working out and if you have a chance. At that moment, you can realize if there’s a chance or you should move on.

  • danny October 31, 2014, 6:46 pm

    What if you still live together. How to go from there.

  • Tom November 1, 2014, 10:38 am

    Kevin,

    Its been almost six weeks with no contact. Sent the Magic letter a week ago. No response. So I sent a nice text saying I sent a letter, and I hope you are able to read it. It is not sent in anger, just my feelings. Then I wished her a Happy Halloween with her daughter. Our kids have bonded too it is hard missing them so much. Not sure what else to do. The end of the letter said goodbye and good luck as suggested. I think she is really upset by that but I don’t know since there has been no response. Any guidance?

    Thank you,

    Tom

    • Kevin November 3, 2014, 7:10 am

      Wait 2-3 weeks, send the text mentioned above. If still no reply, then you should seriously consider moving on.

  • Laci November 1, 2014, 1:35 pm

    i think i can handle all the steps that you have kindly provided. my question is what if you have babies involved, one of them being 4 and is very aware of that person now being gone? and what crazy messages youve sent back and forth (being desperate and needy) have been hate messages?

    • Kevin November 3, 2014, 7:11 am

      You can apologize about the hate messages after no contact is over. And read this article for your question regarding babies.

  • Helen November 3, 2014, 4:52 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I posted before but got no answer please please I really really need your advice 🙁 I’m desperate.

    We’re both 24 and he broke up 2 month ago. It was painful and messy I was needy and basically made all the mistakes. Went into no contact for 3 weeks tried to follow the plan then broke it last night.
    After 4 years he says he doesn’t love me anymore and hate that he doesn’t because it hurts me and him.
    He says (after I broke nc after 3 weeks) that we can’t be friend yet because he knows I didn’t let go (I hate myself so much for breaking nc) that maybe when he sees that I’m happy maybe even we someone else we can think .
    We dont live in the same town, I’m so mad at him and myself and sad how long do I wait, or do I wait till he contact me ? Is there still hope?

    Thank you

    • Kevin November 3, 2014, 7:17 am

      Do no contact again and follow the plan. Do not contact him unless you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.

      • Helen November 3, 2014, 11:04 am

        Thank you for this advice I’ll do my best. I feel so stupid because I was finally getting myself out of this post breakup depression and now it feels like back to stage 1.

        Why does he wants me to find someone else, is there still hope? I’m worried he is gonna move on after that next NC 🙁

        • Kevin November 4, 2014, 4:35 am

          He won’t. People say that all the time after breakup. But don’t really mean it.

          • Helen November 10, 2014, 6:41 am

            Thank you for your replies,
            One last follow up question, he says he doesn’t want to see me yet because it hurts, what does he mean by that, what exactly hurts.

            Does it means some feelings are still involved on his side?

          • Kevin November 10, 2014, 7:02 am

            The breakup hurts Helen. Yes, it means he still has feelings.

  • Joshua November 3, 2014, 11:46 am

    Your advice has been very influential on me as a man. I thank you for this.
    It NEVER occurred to me that the reason my ex girlfriend was calling me days after SHE initiated the break up saying things like “Just calling to check up on you” or “I’m just making sure you’re holding up” is simply her admitting that she’s thinking about me without actually saying it.

  • Xender November 3, 2014, 12:20 pm

    I don’t think my comments are going through…

    • Kevin November 4, 2014, 4:38 am

      Sorry Xender. For questions, I usually recommend posting in the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I only accept a few of them.

  • Ton November 3, 2014, 3:43 pm

    Hey Kevin
    what should I do if i see my ex on the street passing me?
    should i talk to her?

    • Kevin November 4, 2014, 4:42 am

      Depends. If you have eye contact, you can nod and say hi. If it comes to the point where you have to have a conversation, then keep it short and don’t talk about anything personal.

  • Ishika November 4, 2014, 12:36 am

    I don’t want him back , I just wanna show him that I m really happy without him and if he comes back to me I will take my revenge, I will accept him and then break up with him the very next day….. 🙂

  • Ben November 4, 2014, 8:22 am

    Ok, so i am in quite a tricky situation.

    Me and my girlfriend split a little over a month ago, more on her part. Before this we met in Australia and when she left i felt i needed to see her again, so the option arose for me to fly back to her country ( Sweden) and live with her. We had been together for a year and a half before we split but i think there were cracks showing in the relationship maybe a year into it. To make things worse i lost my job in the same week we split and right now i can’t even move out into my own place because of this. She wont kick me out because she’s a kind loving person like that, she still loves me but not like she used to so i know i have something to work on. My problem is that i feel like we cant even have this 30 days cool off period because i can’t get away from her! Of course when we first split naturally i felt like i never wanted to move out, i wanted to do all i could to win her back but it mainly resulted in me being upset in front of her. Before reading this article i can honestly say i’m guilty of a lot of the things i shouldn’t have done that are listed above, never mind!

    So like i say, it’s a tricky situation!

    Any help would be appreciated

  • Mema November 4, 2014, 9:31 am

    Hey Kevin ..
    I know I made a mistake .. but I need your advice ..
    (Me and my ex were together for 3 years .. last one we went on and off .. and we had so many fights)
    so .. after a month of the break up .. (I contacted him once in yhat month) .. I decided to give myself another shot .. so I called him.. he said he want me out of his life for ever. . That I’ve lost my chances with him .. and he can’t forgive me anymore .. and he doesn’t want me to be his friend 🙁
    We talked for half an hour .. then he got mad .. and hang up on me:(
    So .. i sent him a message .. telling him that I want to talk to him tomorrow .. he refused .. we ended up texting back a couple of messages .. then he agreed to talk on Skype .. I asked him a couple of questions .. and asked him to be honest .. he agreed .. so this how it went :
    -do you miss me sometime?
    -him: yes ..
    -do you think about me?
    -him: sometimes
    -do wish that the last year didn’t went like this?
    -him : yes .. but it happened .. it’s too late .. it didn’t matter anymore
    -have you ever imagined how things would be if the ladt year didn’t happened?
    -him: of course “and he talked about how he thought it would be ” 🙁
    – did you believe that before the last fight we could make things different?
    -him: yes .. I wish we could handle it back then ..
    -I know now .. I pushed you away ..
    -him : yes you did .. but it doesn’t matter anymore ..
    -did you like my new look?
    -him : yes .. you are beautiful
    -am I still the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen ?
    – him : yes you are ..
    we talked for hours ..
    I told him I didn’t like his profile picture on whatsapp (it was a picture of him with one of his female friends) so the next morning he changed it .. he put a picture I took for him on our graduation day ..
    and he talked if I ever thought of having sex with him .. I told him yes on our wedding day .. and I talked about how romantic it would be when we finally get married .. we laughed alot .. and it was nice to talk to him again ..
    but after that .. we agreed to talk on the next morning ..
    on the next morning he had to go and do something .. so when he got back .. he told me that he wasn’t comfortable with talking to me ( it’s a lie .. he was happy .. I know him enough to say that )
    And he want me out of his life forever .. and he’ll take his time to think if we can be friends again .. but just friends .. we will never be anything more 🙁 ..
    So I asked him not to block me .. and I told him that this will be my way to show him how serious i am to win him back .. he agreed ..
    and now .. I can see him online all the time .. I assume that he’s talking to a new girl .. because he hates talking on IM .. and yesterday he was up till 5 am .. he rarely stay up like this when we were together (even if I stayed up .. he used to go to sleep early .. but early in the relationship .. he stayed up late for me ) .. but now he can stay up late ? 🙁
    I’m afraid that he’s talking to a new girl .. and they aren’t in a relationship yet .. that’s why he want me out of his life .. so I don’t effect his relationship with her .. and that’s why he’s staying up late ..
    I know I shouldn’t check up he’s last seen .. but I just can’t help it ..
    what do you think Kevin?

    • Mema November 4, 2014, 9:40 am

      And yes .. I asked to be his friend .. and I used this text from the RR
      (So i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said, and you’re right, things haven’t been the same between us. We both feel it and i’m actually grateful you were honest enough to bring it up. I think I had known that we were growing apart for a while, but part of me didn’t want to admit it because I was trying to hold onto the idea of all the good times we did have together. And that’s when I realized that we really do have an awesome time just hanging out. But we overcomplicated something great by adding a relationship . That’s why I think it’s a much better idea for us to Must be friends, don’t you agree?)
      I sent it .. and I told him to take his time to decide if he want us to be friends .. 🙁
      And that I won’t contact him anymore .. unless he talks to me ..
      and I told him to till me when he reads it (he didn’t) .. and now his online all the time and stuff .. and I’m scared 🙁
      What do you think Kevin?

      • Kevin November 5, 2014, 4:00 am

        Mema,

        Your conversation with him made it quite obvious that you are still needy and seeking his approval. It’s good that you told him that you want to be friends and told him that you will not contact him. I’ll suggest you keep your distance for now and stop obsessing over him. Unless you can get rid of your neediness, he won’t be attracted to you again. I’d also suggest you go on a few dates.

        • Mema November 5, 2014, 4:16 pm

          I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I’m cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I’m trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it’s because I miss him so much 🙁 .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace 😀
          And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he’s someone important in my life 🙂 ..
          And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can’t remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too ..
          But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation?
          He’s sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn’t comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me?

          • Mema November 5, 2014, 4:19 pm

            And how can I get rid of my neediness? 🙁

  • Danny November 4, 2014, 10:40 am

    Hi, Great advice but i have a question. Me and my partner have a child together after a 3 and a half year relationship. We’ve been apart 8 weeks now and of coarse with our child involved am finding it ever so hard to stick by your guidelines. i know its right what your saying… but i still have to make some sort of contact with my girlfriend to see our child. What would you suggest is the best way forward? Danny

    • Kevin November 5, 2014, 4:00 am
      • Danny November 14, 2014, 8:13 am

        Hi Kevin, not so long on but a little update and some advice required please: The no contact rule has been pretty straight forward to follow, however i have tried to communicate with her to see our Daughter and have discovered that she has blocked my calls and texts anyway. Obviously disappointed with regards seeing our child. I feel as tho she is perhaps using our child as bait now. However a week on from this I’ve been out the last few days with a friend from work for a few beers and a few meals which is a lot easier than eating at home on your own. Each time I’ve checked into the location via Facebook and i believe my ex has been monitoring this. Yesterday she called me and we spent an hour on the phone talking about things in general and conversation got complicated towards the end as her son cam home from school. Suppose the conversation was awkward ??? But what came later on were telephone calls about how anxious she was feeling and how she had dropped her phone in water and was asking me for advice on what to do. i politely recommended what to do and said ‘il speak to you soon’. What then followed were messages via Facebook messenger thanking me and going on to ask what am i doing? She claims that she’s not feeling very good tonight and her nerves are really bad. Am i on a date? i stated that i had felt that way for some time and she said its the first time she felt like this and is obviously hurt and gutted that we didn’t work out but it wasn’t good for us or the children to carry on our relationship. i asked her y all of a sudden does she feel like this? to which she replied ‘i don’t know’ was you with someone last night????? i said that i was shocked of her asking me this all of a sudden after 2 months! she said she doesn’t know and persisted to ask me if i was with someone and that her body felt terrible???
        I then thought about the no contact rule and ignored. Woke up this morning to be greeted with more messages saying that i havnt answered her and to tell her the truth and she felt that something was strange, followed by the ever more – hello , hello hello , are you still there???? and approx 7-8 phone calls this morning on my way to work which i ignored also. Finally she stopped and has since blocked me on Facebook and i have no way of contacting her again. This afternoon at lunch i couldn’t help but call to leave a voicemail to only say that i had missed your calls this morning and if you would like to chat then call me. Wrong of me perhaps, but i couldn’t help it after thinking that perhaps she has strong feelings still ???? i don’t know, I’m so confused. Please Help.

        • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:32 pm

          Hey Danny,

          She is going throw the breakup pain which many people feel only when they realize that their ex is not waiting for them and finally moving on. If you are still in no contact, continue it. Do not discuss your personal life with her yet. If she calls again, answer her, be polite and tell her you need some space and time right now and you will be in touch with her later.

  • Felix November 5, 2014, 12:14 am

    Hey Kevin,

    me (male, 28) and my ex (female, 22) had been longtime very, very close friends (seven years) before we got together. She ended her lesbian relationship (duration: 7 months) and finally we got together. But after two months (one month ago) she decided to break up with me and get back together with her former girlfriend (31). Because we had been so close before our relationship, she didn’t left me all alone after the break-up. We met several times and both of us enjoyed the time together (at least she said so and there is no sign she was lying). Now, of course I did all the mistakes you describe in your article but nonetheless we’re still in close contact. I think it’s finally time for the no-contact-rule. But she will definitely contact me because we have been in close contact since the break-up. Should I answer her text with a short note like “I need some time off. See you.”? It would seem strange and rude not to answer.

    Any help would be appreciated!

    Felix

    • Kevin November 5, 2014, 4:02 am

      Yes, it’s OK to tell her you need some time and space.

  • Luke November 5, 2014, 2:39 pm

    My ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago, the first 3 or 4 weeks i acted so needy and desperate at least a couple times a week. She said she just wants to be friends, and that she still cares about me. She started liking someone new a few weeks later. I’ve gone no contact for a week, in a few weeks i will send a letter to her. My problem is she is so stubborn and she says that she doesn’t want to get back together because it might not work out. I’ve tried to convince her but no luck, will i have a chance at getting her back?

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:01 am

      Yes, follow the plan.

  • Abduraghman November 5, 2014, 4:48 pm

    I am 26 and my fiancé is 30. She broke up with me on Friday. We are together for 7 years and 1month. But we engaged for a year and a month now. She don’t want anything to do with me and wants nothing from me. The reason she broke up with me was, she said I am obsessed and immature. There were things I was doing which she did not like.
    She told me it’s over for good this time but I want to make things right by making the changes in my life. There is a new friend that she is chatting with he is now only 20 years old. They saw each other for the last two days. She also told me she feels something for him.
    Kevin I need your help please anything will do.

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:04 am

      I answered you here.

  • Bailey November 5, 2014, 4:55 pm

    Hi Kevin, my girlfriend and I broke up about two weeks ago, things were going ok, we had some issues but had worked them out, then about a week later she told me she still definitely loved me and didn’t know if she wanted to get back together but she wanted some space. She is going through a really stressful time in her life, and I mean real stressful. I was wondering what approach I should take in order to get her back. Thanks!

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:04 am

      Give her the space she needs and use that time to make some positive changes in your life.

  • bruce November 6, 2014, 9:05 am

    Hi, I posted a comment here a few days ago, but only after I read to post on board. Can you please answer it here and the next will go there? Thank you. I’m the one with the 5 month old and she has a bf. Wanted to add she normally doesn’t go out and date like that and she has ben acting very different over this timenwd normally after a great day with me and our son she flips the next day and acts very neg towards me.

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:16 am

      I answered you here.

  • Sunav November 6, 2014, 11:11 am

    MY ex broke up with me citing reason that her parents would never ever accept me and she wants no more troubles and is looking for new love. I made mistake to talk to her asking her to come back. But can i start the no contact period from now onwards? about a week after our break up?

    • Kevin November 7, 2014, 4:22 am

      Yes you can.

  • Gemma November 6, 2014, 4:24 pm

    Me and my ex was dating for two and half years and have been split up for 3 Weeks. We split up through his choice but have had a rocky time recently. I have done the begging/ texting part. Really trying to stop that by find it so hard. Met up with his last week was amazing he couldn’t stop kissing me telling me him loves me. Now he feels that he can’t see a future with me and that becomes before everything else still States he loves me and can’t bear changing his profile picture of us. Planning to meet this weekend to discuss but of course no promises and doesn’t think we have a future. I have suggested dating again but feels would end the same. How can I show him that I realise things need to change and we can be happy?

    • Kevin November 7, 2014, 4:23 am

      Follow the plan. Start making changes and let him realize it by himself.

  • sam November 6, 2014, 6:37 pm

    My ex said the reason we broke up is the i didnt show that i liked him. He said he felt that our relationship was fake. And to be friends again.and he said nothing can change his mind. What should i do?

    • Kevin November 7, 2014, 4:23 am

      Follow the plan.

  • Alice November 7, 2014, 4:17 am

    Hi kevin
    My boyfriend brokeup with me about 1 month ago.
    Unfortunately i didnt act well, i kept no contact just for 10 days and after that i called him while we both were not ready,i asked him to see him on that day but he told me that he will call me back , after that he didnt call me , so i called but his phone was off
    After two days i text him and told him that i wanted to have new relationship with u but it seems that u dont want to, so have a good life .
    And after a day he answered me that i think it doesnt work its better to be good friends for each other… Good luck
    After a week we saw each other we were face to face after 30 seconds he told me hi i answered then i continued my way
    Now i want to know your opinion about if is there any chance to get him back or not
    Do you think its over?? 🙁
    I will be really appreciate you if you answer me…

    • Kevin November 7, 2014, 4:27 am

      There’s a chance. Follow the plan.

  • Dan November 7, 2014, 11:38 am

    Hey Kevin I commented yesterday and need help by this weekend! but i’m not sure my comment went through?

    • Kevin November 8, 2014, 3:19 am

      Hey Dan,

      Please post on the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I don’t usually approve them.

      • Dan November 8, 2014, 11:32 am

        Ok thanks Kevin i will next time. Should I create Jealousy through social media to trigger my ex’s interest. This would be done by posting photos of me and my other ex hanging out this weekend, she was always envious of her. Thoughts

        • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:12 am

          If you decide to go that route, make sure you don’t make it completely obvious that you are trying to make it jealous. A better way would be to just post pictures of you having a good time and not with girls you know she is jealous of.

  • Mema November 7, 2014, 12:59 pm

    Hey Kevin ..
    I’ve posted here before .. you’ve recommended that I should stop being needy ( I don’t know how to do this 🙁 ) .. and that I need to go on many dates ..
    Well .. I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I’m cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I’m trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it’s because I miss him so much 🙁 .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace ..
    And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he’s someone important in my life 🙂 ..
    And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can’t remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too ..
    But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation?
    He’s sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn’t comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me? ..
    and there was this thing .. a girl commented on his profile picture on Facebook .. she said ” you look nice ♡ ” . .
    many people commented on his photo .. but he replied to her .. and one more male friend of him 🙁 ..
    I viewed her profile .. he commented on her profile picture too saying : “omg .. you look super nice”
    I’m afraid 🙁
    I don’t want to lose him 🙁 ..
    Does this mean anything?
    And what about our conversation? .. does ot till anything about his feelings towards me?
    And one last thing ..
    I changed my profile picture on whatsapp 3 days ago .. yesterday he sent me an IM .. saying that he liked it . . Today I said thanx .. and that was it 🙁
    What do you think Kevin?
    I’m confused and afraid 🙁

    • Kevin November 8, 2014, 3:22 am

      He still has feelings for you. I think you should do more no contact since you are still needy. The best way to get rid of neediness right now is to make a lot of positive changes in your life. As mentioned in the Step 2 and 3.

      • Mema November 8, 2014, 2:12 pm

        Well I did all of them .. I even got a job .. a new look .. went on a date .. I passed the exam for master degree .. I volunteered.. I go to gym “even before the break up” .. I’m already the best version of myself .. and actually .. to be honest .. I’m way out of his league !! .. Everyone is telling me that!! ..
        But still .. I want him ..
        I miss him alot
        Even when I’m out with my friends .. I think about him ..
        I’m not contacting him .. as I promised .. but I’m afraid that he knows we were bad together the last year .. and he knows he has feelings for me .. and he won’t talk to me because of this .. untill he’s completely over me and he’s with someone else ! 🙁
        and his friends have bad influence on him .. because they don’t think we should be together ” we are from different religions… it wasn’t a problem for us ..but i believe that his friends are effecting on him so we don’t get back because of this 🙁 ”
        What should I do in this case?

        • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:14 am

          In that case, give yourself some time away from him. At least till you accept that you have broken up and there’s a chance you will never get back with him. You should do no contact until you are OK with this. It will take time. Till then, continue living your life. Go on a few more dates. Go out with friends. Just try to enjoy your life as much as you can.

      • Mema November 11, 2014, 12:47 pm

        Hey Kevin ” the miracle maker” ..
        Well .. Finally .. I’m talking to my ex again .. after blocking me and saying that he want me oug of his life .. etc ..
        We started talking on whatssapp 2 days ago .. we shared intimate moments … and romantic talks .. even some sexy talks :$
        so .. it was good .. but yesterday we had a small argument .. so he got super mad over nothing “I couldn’t talk to him on skype” .. He said that I’ll never change .. and that I always do what’s best for me and I never considered him .. and he went offline .. so .. I sent him a sms .. I was the mature one .. I didn’t sound needy or anything .. and I respected his wish to storm off .. so after 10 minutes he came back apologising ..
        today .. we talked again on whatsapp .. we laughed .. and we had fun ..then I was telling him about this guy who is going to propose to me in a traditional way .. and then he asked me to talk to him on skype .. I refused .. I was busy .. then .. he was mean with me .. he was acting differently .. then I asked him if we are gonna go with our friends when he comes to my city next week .. so .. he got super mad .. and angry .. he told me that he will not answer now .. because he doesn’t wanna say anything that he’ll regret about later!!!!
        He asked me to go to sleep a little because I was tired .. and I did ..
        what do you think is happening?
        I know .. you said in your emails it’s normal .. but am I doing anything wrong here? .. I yold him how great my life is now .. and he’s doing nothing at all.. just having fun with his friends .. did this bothered him? .. how exactly should I be with him?
        I don’t wanna lose my chances to get him back 🙁
        And one more thing .. we were talking yesterday .. about a thing ..so he said that we will never get married .. like he was making sure that I don’t think about him as more than a friend 🙁
        What do you think?

        • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:38 am

          Hey Mema,

          Just make sure you don’t lose your temper and are always calm and mature. He is confused. Let him be confused. He will try to get a reaction out of you. Don’t give it to him. Know what you want in life and don’t compromise just because he is angry or throwing a tantrum. Always put yourself before him.

          About the marriage thing, he was probably trying to get a reaction out of you by saying that. If he feels the same after a couple of months being in contact with you, then you should give up hope and find someone else.

          • Mema November 14, 2014, 2:37 am

            Thank you Kevin .. but I think I’m in an evaluation period .. and I’m afraud to anything wrong .. so now whenever he got upset at me .. he storm off and go offline .. then I send him a message telling him that it’s not a mature way to solve anything and that he should go back online to hear my opinion 🙂 .. so he does .. and we talk .. he’s like a child .. if he didn’t get what he want .. he gets mad .. yell at me .. and go offline till I send him a message .. so today I was upset .. he promised me to call me on phone .. and he didn’t .. do I told him that I’m disappointed and sad ..and as a joke I said that I won’t talk to him anymore with ” :-p” emoji . . he did nothing at all .. he saw the IM .. and he didn’t reply ..
            What do you think?
            And today he’s going to a party .. I think he has a set up date .. I’m not sure .. but he’s acting strange .. he didn’t talk to me .. he didn’t respond when I said I’m sad .. he did nothing!
            What do you think?

          • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:22 pm

            Hey Mema,

            You should not reward his child like behavior by giving him what he wants. If you do so now, you will be doing so for the rest of the relationship (if you get back together). Like I said before stay calm and don’t let his hot and cold behavior affect you. Do not compromise just because he is throwing a tantrum. You are not in an evaluation period. If you think so, you are being needy. In my opinion, you need more no contact.

          • Mema November 15, 2014, 3:23 am

            Kevin …
            I don’t know what happened yesterday! !
            so after telling him that I’m sad and upset .. he didn’t talk to me .. so .. he was online .. so I asked him what’s going on .. he said he’s busy .. ( we have a thing .. when he’s busy … I send him alot of messages .. because I know he can’t reply .. so I tease him :-p .. we always do this .. idk how to explain it .. but it’s funny)
            so this time he got upset .. he said that he’s busy and he’s talking to someone .. I said who? your girlfriend? .. he said :” I hope she will be soon” .. so I was shocked .. and I started to ask him about her .. how old .. when did they meet and where .. etc .. he sent me a picture of her and he didn’t reply to any of my questions .. he told me he’ll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok .. so .. he did .. he told me it was a joke .. and the girl is his friend .. but she means nothing to him .. so I told him : ” that’s good .. she’s not beautiful .. and make sure when you’re gonna date someone that at least she is more beautiful than me” .. he said that there is no one who is nearly as beautiful as me .. and I’m the best girlfriend he could ever dream of .. I said thanx
            then he apologised .. and asked to talk on Skype .. I said it’s too late .. and I’m going to sleep .. he got super angry .. he said : “you know I hate talking on whatsapp and you know how much this means to me .. yet you always do this! .. ” I said that I’m not in the mood and I don’t wanna talk on Skype ( I was upset because he didn’t care that I’m sad all the day .. and I did not want to reward this action ) .. so he got angry .. and he said that he’ll never ask me to talk to him on Skype again .. and I’m selfish .. I said that I respected his wishes when he was busy and he should respect mine .. so he said he will go to sleep to calm down and he’ll talk to me tomorrow .. I said ok .. but you started a fight for nothing and that he should ask himself if this reason is really important to ruin our evening? .. he ssid it is .. and he want me to leave him alone .. I did ..
            what do you think Kevin? ..
            did I did what you told me about not rewarding his child like behaviour and learning to say no to him and not always giving him what he wants?
            and I didn’t compromise because he’s angry ..
            os this good?

          • Mema November 15, 2014, 3:26 am

            and he’s coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or weae something completely new?

  • Col November 7, 2014, 9:07 pm

    Hi Kev,
    My ex has been calling me every 2 days during my NC basically to check up on me as I have been physically ill & signed off work for the past 3 weeks. She split up with me over a month ago with her reasoning being ‘she need to get happy, but alone’. I have been following your plan strictly as it has helped. But every time I receive a text or missed call, it sets me back again.

    I took your direction on contacting her by text “Thank you for your concern but I don’t want you to contact me for the time being- I’ll get in touch with you. I need space and time right now. I have arranged with Joe (brother) to have your belongings collected. x”.

    She replied with “ok that’s fine, I just wanted to know how you are and what your doing, how feather (our cat) is and what’s happening with her? Have you left Liverpool?”.

    My question is, do I reply? Or do I leave it as I asked for her to leave me for now?

    • Kevin November 8, 2014, 3:23 am

      I don’t think you should reply.

  • sana November 8, 2014, 5:49 am

    Hey Kevin,
    This really seems silly and would be the last thing I’d ever thought I’d do, but anyway.. Umm.. Me and My guy broke up because he found someone he feels “that’s closest he has felt towards love” and funnily its hardly been 2 months of them meeting up.

    He made out with me even after being in relationship with this girl. He wants me to stay friends with him. Tells me about the problems he has with her. Shows that he loves her. But tells me and her that I am the only person he’s closest to and he trusts! Whatever does that mean? :@ I am not an egomaniac but I wouldn’t go begging for him. Nor would I ever say I am miserable without him or bull shit. I do love him though (sigh!)

    I told him I don’t want to be “friends” with you. Because obviously I can’t change my love with whom I’ve been kissing and god knows what into OMG my Bestie.. lets just hang around and discuss your life issues! that’s ridiculous.

    I feel sad about it though. I know I am hurting him (and yes I know he did it too!) AAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh… 23 days of knowing it. 14 days of kissing him for the last time. 1 day of telling him that things won’t work the way you want to.

    Please help! i have no idea what I am doing. AND I FEEL ANGRY ALL THE TIME. (Almost like I am really carrying all the Voldemort horcruxes with me!)

    • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:10 am

      Follow the plan Sana.

      • sana November 16, 2014, 1:56 pm

        so this guy doesn’t look bothered :/ Can I ask some of my personal stuff that he has back?? Though I gave them as a gift! (I know asking a gift back is rude :P) I doubt if he misses me a tad bit.

        • Kevin November 17, 2014, 1:53 am

          Unless you really need that stuff, I would advise you don’t contact him until you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of step 4.

  • Jersy26 November 8, 2014, 9:55 am

    I have not contacted my ex since our break 1 week ago. However he has contacted me. Daily. And I have made the mistake of responding. My bad. I will stop. But can I just ask for my house keys back ? Or is that a no no to ? I legitimately need them to give to a friend to help me with my pets while I work. Should I just get new ones made ?

    • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:11 am

      Yes you can.

  • J-Ap November 9, 2014, 5:56 pm

    Hey Kevin, I have subscribe to the emails and have been doing no contact for atleast 2 weeks, she have tried to contact me during the 1st week of no contact, I have not responded. The second time she contacted me was on its 2nd week, I have responded as what you suggest but no personal and emotional respond. She told me that she is miserable right now, but I am confused, not sure if its because of our breakup or because she have no chance with the new guy that she said she’s “”falling inlove with”” I do not want to contact her anymore. Is that the right thing to do? Do you think its because she is still not over me? Why do she need to contact me just to talk about that guy! Please advice my friend

    • Kevin November 10, 2014, 6:58 am

      She seeks approval and emotional support. Don’t give it to her.

      • J-Ap November 13, 2014, 12:46 pm

        Thanks Kevin!
        I messed up doing no contact when I responded to her, I still showed depression and signs of neediness. She wanted us to be friends even though she knew I was hurting. I don’t understand.

        • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:51 am

          Don’t be friends with her if you are hurting. Take time off and tell her you need some time for yourself to deal with the brekaup and maybe you can be friends again with her after that. Then do no contact.

  • Katherine Delaney November 10, 2014, 11:48 am

    So my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday saying I was the perfect girlfriend but he just wasn’t ready for a commitment (he moved onto me to fast he said). When I asked if there will ever be a chance in getting back together he said “I don’t want to give you that hope’
    I started getting into the picture after he broke up with a VERY serious girlfriend and she moved out, they were a toxic relationship where she cheated on him constantly. COULD I OF BEEN THE REBOUND RELATIONSHIP?
    We went through a lot to be together though, he was my older brothers close friend and my brother said no but we had such a connection that we did it anyway. He was the first guy I’ve ever trusted after I got raped and after my dad beat me, he knows that too. I was saving myself for marriage but I gave myself to him after a week because it felt so right.

    He said he can’t imagine his life without me and neither can I, we love each other but we were never in love. We didn’t have the time but we spoke very seriously about the future and even a family.

    We still are best friends so I’m nervous about the 30 no contact rule.
    He wants me as a best friend but I still desperately want him as a boyfriend.

    I want him back very badly, we had a perfect relationship we were only ever happy with each other and fights would last a max of 3hrs

    What should I do???

    • Kevin November 13, 2014, 6:48 am

      You should follow the plan Katherine. You need to do the no contact period and you need to learn to live a life and be happy without him. That’s the best way to get him back.

  • Roseana Wong November 10, 2014, 6:35 pm

    I just want to say this article is so true – it’s helping cope with my break up as we speak- its indeed the hardest thing to do with the NO CONTACT – like just the other nite I saw my ex with this girl – my friends and I were out drinking… And he and this girl was at the bar too.. I payed no attention to them cause I try to follow the rule of the no contact – it was recking ball when I saw them together but I put on my happy face – and then it’s not like she was worth it ./. I was more than happy I went out with my friends – I had a great time after all- thnks Kevin –

  • saree48 November 10, 2014, 6:39 pm

    Hi, so…

    I’ve bought Relationship Rewind and I’m at the point where I give both of us some space to breathe and become rational. I am already emotionally stable and though it is still early into the process, I have this underlying fweling he won’t contact me when “he is ready.” So what do I do then? I know you are not the one who made Relationship Rewind, but I don’t know how to enter into the “False Friendship” if he does not contact ME first, as the ebook instructs. Any ideas as to what to do if this does end up happening…?

    • Kevin November 11, 2014, 7:35 am

      If he doesn’t contact you first, you contact him after no contact period is over. Use the texts or letter mentioned in the above article to get back in touch.

  • Christine November 10, 2014, 10:09 pm

    Love Love this!!!! As I was reading the steps, I was wondering if I could still use this for my current situation. My ex and I have been broken up for a year now, but we continued to mess around, even when he was in a rebound relationship. A little while after I started the No Contact rule for 4 Months. I then texted him and during the conversation he asked me out to lunch. We went to lunch and after that we have been texting here and there. What do I do now?

    • Kevin November 11, 2014, 7:36 am

      Continue texting and hanging out. He will probably make a move after some time.

      • Chrstine November 11, 2014, 1:39 pm

        Sometimes it is hard to hang out with him because he is always busy. I dont like to always ask him to hang out when he says, “Oh I can’t because blah..” but if I wait on him to ask me out again I might be waiting for forever. And also while we were at lunch he mentioned how he cant trust girls anymore because of his past relationships and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at this moment, I kinda said to myself that he was giving me a heads up and to tell myself that we should just be friends and maybe go back to being best friends like we were before I don’t want to but it looks like I have no choice.

  • Christine November 10, 2014, 10:30 pm

    As I was reading others comment about their situation, they were very detailed. I felt that I was not, so here is a little background info to help you answer futher my last comment. My ex and I were together on and off for about a year and a half. I broke up with him, and he started dating another girl to try to get over me. When I found out and he tries to come back to me, I told him to go be w/the other girl. So he went back to her, I went back running.. you get the picture. There were times when he would take her out places and not me! Eventually I told him to leave me alone and don’t text me! Four months later,(Mind you, Changed my hair color/style, new job, gymlife, drew myself closer to God, went on dates here and there. I was good) I texted him a funny pic and the convo went on from there. While we were texting, every time I sent a text he would text back 1 minute later. He asked me out for lunch and eventually we went. What talked about what we been up to and he mention about his rebound relationship saying “That door didn’t stay open for long.” It was nice, just two friends catching up. After the date, we text here and there. During the NO Contact rule I barely thought about him. Now that I do, I realize I’m not over him! What do I do?

  • Lyndsey November 11, 2014, 5:13 am

    i really love this and I’m glad i read it especially the no contact rule. I think i should try it and see.

  • Maggie November 11, 2014, 7:16 pm

    My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me over a month ago and I did the no contact rule for 30 days and it seems to be working. He wanted nothing to do with me and now we’re having friendly text convos and he says he wants to hang out with me over Christmas break. I really want him back so how can I make him want me again if I hang out with him

    • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:40 am

      Just be confident when you hang out. Have fun and enjoy yourself. Don’t show any signs of neediness.

  • Mark November 11, 2014, 9:07 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I sent you a message a few days ago but, to date, I have not seen my comment published or received an answer from you.
    You may have reasons for not responding (???) but I would like to hear your expert advice on my current problem. Many thanks.

    • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:41 am

      Hey Mark,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of them. You should post on the message boards. You will get an answer much faster and the community here is very helpful.

      • Mark November 17, 2014, 12:01 am

        Hey Kevin,
        I did as you said. Wrote out my post once again and posted on the message board under ‘Reconciliation’. One week later….no replies! Nothing, zilch, zero.
        What a waste of time!!

        • Kevin November 17, 2014, 1:35 am

          Sorry about that Mark. I have replied to your forum post.

  • Jules November 12, 2014, 5:18 am

    Hey Kevin,
    what if my ex broke up with me, because I apparently I didn’t show much or enough interest in visiting him (it was long distance relationship) and he felt like he was boring me and I generally wasn’t committed enough? On the one hand he told me I’m the most understanding and lovely person he has ever known and that I shouldn’t blame myself for anything, on the other hand he is convinced of all the above. Although I really miss him, I can deal with not contacting him but wonder whether that would just prove his point…
    Also he is saying, he needs to sort himself out and while I respect that, I am also quite worried about him and would like him to know, that I’m here there for him but don’t want to push him either.
    I’m looking forward to your answer

    • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:43 am

      Tell him that you won’t be contacting him as you both need some time. After that stay no contact and follow the plan.

  • Daniel Collis November 12, 2014, 6:51 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I recently lost the best thing in my life. My gf was amazing and yet im scared I have relised it too late. Everything has been great and we were so happy together. We went out for her friends bday and a guy she has history with was there. I had a few to drink and he had told my gf that I was going around telling everyone that my GF is understanding when im out with girls and flirting with girls. I have no idea where that came from and so in my drunken state I confronted him. He got defensive and we ended up scrapping. I got the better of him but ended up worse by the doorman involved. Since then my GF has ended things and wont even really allow me a chance to prove my worth.
    I am scared right now as I know I can be the one for her and dont want her to throw this away. Obviously I dont want to come across needy and pushy so im just scared what to do. We had been together for 2 years and she has completely erased me from her life.
    Thanks

  • Luke November 12, 2014, 10:09 am

    Hi Kevin, i want to thank you because all of the emails really helped me through my situation. In the past day i’ve realized i deserve better than my ex, her new boyfriend can have her! Plenty more fish in the sea, and i know i wouldn’t be feeling this way right now if it wasn’t for the self improvement advice!

    • Kevin November 13, 2014, 6:33 am

      That’s great Luke. All the best. 🙂

  • mark2828 November 12, 2014, 12:52 pm

    Can I send my ex flowers before the 30 day no contact period is over let’s say it’s been 2-3 weeks. And would this be a good first time form of communication with her

    • Kevin November 13, 2014, 6:35 am

      No flowers or gifts of any kind until you both are on the verge of getting back together or are already back together.

  • vs13 November 12, 2014, 4:07 pm

    Hey kevin, i would really like to thank you as you emails are a big help to me. I also wanted to ask you…that i just shifted houses and all her stuff is in one box which i kept aside. Should i have it delivered to her house or not? Please help.

    • Kevin November 13, 2014, 6:36 am

      If she asks for it, then do it. If she doesn’t, let it be there.

  • Christian November 13, 2014, 12:38 pm

    I have been thinking bout my ex a lot lately we haven’t talked in 2 months no contact and I messaged her today I told her I was sorry for the past and that something I seen reminded me of her all of a sudden she had a family emergency and said she would talk to me later should I message her later or wait to see if she does which I doubt will happen ??

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:50 am

      Wait a week. If she doesn’t message you, text her again.

  • The dude November 13, 2014, 1:23 pm

    Hey guys. Just wanted to drop a comment and say after 2 and a half months I got my ex back. She broke up with me and started dating someone else. This article is the best advice and it really is the truth. Just follow the plan, have confidence in yourself, and don’t give up! If I can do it so can anyone else! Goodluck to all and thank you Kevin.

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 2:00 am

      Thanks for the comment dude. All the best. 🙂

  • Christine November 13, 2014, 1:54 pm

    I come back on the website to check to see if you replied to my post, but I see you responding to everyone else’s post…

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 2:01 am

      Hey Christine,

      I am sorry but the comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of comments. Since answering comments take a lot of time, I started the message boards where anyone can ask a question and get help from the community.

  • Evita November 14, 2014, 3:52 am

    Hi,
    I followed all the steps and was sooooo surprised when my ex, who lives abroad, asked if he can come to visit 🙂 He seemed to be super excited about that idea and wanted to take a plane just the upcoming week. But… the next day he suddenly said, he cannot come, cause he is really busy. Didn’t mention any new dates, I do not wanna push.. I am totally confused :/

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:23 pm

      Do not push him. Do no contact for another month and contact him again.

  • sherlock November 14, 2014, 7:52 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I read this article (And most of the others on the site) about a month and a half ago. I just ended the NCP on Wednesday and followed all the guidelines you established for restarting contact. I got absolutely no response, not even the hostile sort. How would you recommend I proceed from here?

    If you want the details of the relationship I’d be more than happy to give them as well

    Chris.

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:24 pm

      Hey Sherlock,

      I would recommend wait 2 weeks and send a message.

  • Michele November 14, 2014, 4:51 pm

    If you are not able to reply to my comment, can you kindly send me back what I wrote you and I will add to the message boards? Thanks!

    • Kevin November 15, 2014, 2:10 am

      I replied to you here.

  • Soyuz November 14, 2014, 10:40 pm

    Hi Kevin
    My ex sent me a gift certificate for my bday. She also texted me to wish me happy bday. Her bday is coming up. Should I give her a gift as well? She said that she felt lonely sometimes, but she always said this when we were together.

    • Kevin November 15, 2014, 2:13 am

      A text is okay. I don’t usually recommend sending a gift to an ex. But since she gave you a gift, I think it’ll be okay as long as it’s not too much expensive.

  • Mallory November 15, 2014, 1:14 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I’m just wondering, why do you recommend 30 days of NC and not 21 days NC? One of your emails said that 3 weeks is the peak of when your ex is missing you badly, so wouldn’t you want to send a text/email at that point?

    Also, you say the ‘missing you badly’ stage usually peaks around 3 weeks… is this post break up, or after I start NC?

    My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago, but I only started NC one week ago… Unfortunately I texted him too much, I did all of the wrong things after we broke up and just found your website one week ago.

    Does this mean he’s already past the ‘missing me badly’ stage, or will it take place a few weeks from now?

    Thanks in advance Kevin!

    • Kevin November 16, 2014, 2:13 pm

      It’s usually after you start no contact. The 30 days is just a guideline. The checklist at the beginning of Step 4 above provides a more comprehensive guideline on when to end no contact.

  • Mema November 16, 2014, 3:06 am

    hi Kevin ..
    well.. my ex is coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or wear something completely new?

    • Mema November 16, 2014, 3:21 am

      and one more thing .. he’s gonna be here for 3 days .. well .. we were talking yesterday .. we were very happy .. and had alot of amazing time .. but at last .. I adked him if he’s gonna see me when he comes .. he said yes .. then .. I told him that we should met every day because he has to pay me back for not seeing me the last time he was here .. so he said ok .. we will meet .. but not every day .. he’s going to see all his friends at the first day .. I said that he can see them .. but it’s not necessary to meet them all at his first day here .. he said he likes doing this .. and he’ll meet them all at the first day and he’ll meet me the next day .. and he was really angry .. he said I’m too demanding 🙁 .. and we ended up fighting .. and I told him I’m not happy .. and that he really bothered me .. because whenever he wants something I do my best to do it for him .. but when I want something he doesn’t care !! ..so he said that I’ll never learn from my previous mistakes and I’m not gonna change ..
      we didn’t solve this argument .. and I’m not planning on talking to him this time !!
      what should I do in this case?
      should i call him to check if he’s arrived?
      or completely ignore him till he calls me? ..

      • Kevin November 17, 2014, 1:37 am

        Mema,

        My suggestion is the same a.z on the boards, you need time and need to make yourself scarce.

        • Mema November 17, 2014, 3:22 am

          so you think I shouldn’t contact him and do another month of NC? ..
          but I’m really feeling down and sad 🙁 ..
          this might be his last visit to my city 🙁
          I want to meet him so bad 🙁 ..
          I feel like he’s afraid of meeting me because he still have feelings for me 🙁 .. that’s why he started this argument out of no where 🙁 ..
          or that he’s just being mean 🙁
          idk .. I feel lost .. I finally got a chance to be his friend and hes ruining it by doing this !!
          I told him that if he respects me and he think of me as his friend he should contact me at least .. but he didn’t .. 🙁
          I feel like I’m his last interest in life and that he’s just having fun and I’m on his hook 🙁 .. and he doesn’t care about me .. or respect me anymore 🙁

          • Mema November 17, 2014, 4:41 pm

            hi Kevin ..
            ok .. so .. he called me after sending him that message .. saying that he has to go somewhere at 5pm and he’ll meet me after that ( I found out that he was at one of our mutual friend’s house ) .. so at 7pm .. we met .. at first he was uncomfortable and cold ..he didn’t agree on going to the place we usually go to .. so we walked .. then we were talking .. I was teasing him and making jokes about his behaviour .. so he asked me to stop .. I didn’t .. and he was laughing .. then he hugged me saying that he missed me and we were too close so he kissed me :$
            we ended up making out :$ ..
            I know that was stupid of me .. but I really miss him ..
            so .. I told him that I hope this won’t effect our friendship .. and actually I was shocked of his answer .. he said that he always thought that we’ll work as friends with benefits !!!!!!!
            I was totally shocked .. I mean .. I thought this meant to him as much as it meant to me 🙁
            he always says that he do this with his special girl ..
            and idk why he did it with me!!!
            he said it feels right .. and it won’t effect our friendship 🙁
            so ..after that we went to have dinner. .. at last he said that he feels nostalgic whenever he comes to my city .. and everything remind him of me .. and he missed me alot and that he’s really happy that we met .. and the next time he’ll come .. we will spend all the time together .. and he kissed me and gave me a big hug ♡
            what do you think?
            are we really going to be friends with benefits? .. I don’t want this .. I want him back as my bf .. I hate this kind of relationship !!! 🙁

          • Kevin November 18, 2014, 4:24 am

            It’s a terrible idea to be friends with benefits. If I recall correctly, you didn’t want to have sex before marriage. Why is he assuming you will have sex with him without being in a relationship with you? Nevertheless, don’t agree to his demands. He can sense you are needy and desperate and is trying to use your desperation to his advantage. The only work around to this is to stop being desperate and learn to be happy without him. That’s why I recommended more no contact.

          • Mema November 18, 2014, 2:34 pm

            That’s right .. but he means that he can kiss me and make out with me .. nothing more .. we did thos when we were together.. and I think it was kind of my odea when I called him at the first time .. to use this as an ice breaker .. but I don’t want to ruin my chances .. and I want to let him down easy .. and keep our false friendship ..

          • Mema November 18, 2014, 2:36 pm

            and what do you think about the date in general?
            does he have any feeling for me?
            or he was just being nice?

          • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:14 pm

            He has feelings for you. If this is the extent of physical intimacy you can provide while being in a relationship, I wouldn’t recommend you even make out with him. If you do, he’d have no reason to commit. He already knows you are obsessed over him and will not start a relationship with someone else, he can have physical intimacy with you and he can date other girls and doesn’t have any responsibility that comes with a relationship. He has feelings for you, but he also knows he has power over you and he can use it whenever he wants.

  • Al November 16, 2014, 8:34 am

    So… what if we have a teenager together who desperately requires co-parenting? How exactly does this no contact situation apply then?

    • Kevin November 17, 2014, 1:38 am

      I’ve written about it here.

  • Anna November 16, 2014, 2:03 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex and I dated for 4 months and we are both in our mid 20s. He just broke up with me recently saying that he is unhappy and that we are not a good match because we have nothing in common and we fight often. These reasons don’t make much sense to me because they are not completely true. We have some things in common, we argue sometimes about very minor issues that can be easily resolved, and he has told me before that he is happy with me and takes me seriously. We always have a good time together, and he was very intimate with me even the night before he broke up with me. He has told me before that he doesn’t know what happiness feels like, and that he is always content with things. This was more of a general comment than a specific one towards our relationship. During our breakup he was being very cold and didn’t want to answer my calls, kept insisting that it was not working out and we had to go our separate ways, and that it was done. Him and I don’t share any mutual friends and I have no way of knowing what he is going through during the “No Contact” period. I have always had certain trust issues and I did bring those over into our relationship, but I am working on that and don’t wan to lose him over my own insecurities. Even though we were together for a short while, I still felt a great connection with him and felt so blessed to have him in my life as a significant other. I don’t want to lose him over things that I believe can be worked out. Do you think this program is going to work for me? If so, is there anything you would change for my specific situation. I am very broken hearted and would greatly appreciate your input.

    Anna

    • Kevin November 18, 2014, 4:28 am

      Hey Anna,

      Yes, the program might work for you. But I’ll recommend you don’t invest too much in him. Just try the no contact period once. Contact him. If he’s cold, then move on. 4 months is a short amount of time and it’ll be easy for you to walk away right now and invest in someone who is more willing to invest in you.

  • JodieTyrrell November 17, 2014, 9:38 am

    Hi Kevin, really hope you can help me! I have looked down all the comments and I can’t find a post that is the same as my situation really..

    So my boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago.. We have 1 child together and I have a child from a previous relationship who he has brought up as his own, when we broke up he said he wanted to remain friends and we were often talking and laughing, he helped me get my car fixed and we was on good terms, since then we have had a few bitter arguments and he basically told me he didn’t love me or feel anything about me or the relationship… He is always blowing hot and cold, sometimes not contacting me for days and then he will suddenly text me asking too come see the children and then try to initiate conversation, he even asks jokeling if I can make his tea when I am making ours, then he wil just suddenly not reply to my texts, he is now seeing somebody knew and told me he didn’t mention it because its not my business what he does as we are no longer together but made sure his cousin slipped it in to convo so that I knew…. He always slipped up that he was looking on my Facebook through a friend the other day… I’m at a total loss as to where we are in terms of Ryan’s book (deaths door or drift) and sometimes I feel like he could be at the indifference stage as he often says he feels nothing anymore apart from I’m the mother of his child and he respects me for that,
    I have now started no contact I just wondered where you think we are (deaths door, drift or indifference) and if you think we could salvage the relationship? I also can’t have full no contact due to him picking up the children twice a week but if o keep convo short and about the children could this still work?
    Really hope to hear from you soon! Thanks 🙂

    • Kevin November 18, 2014, 4:22 am

      You are at death’s door. You should do no contact. And yes, no contact will work with children if you keep convo short and only about children.

  • Raymus November 17, 2014, 5:59 pm

    Hay Kevin
    I did all the mistakes and now my ex gf blocked me on almost everything she only left watsapp about a couple days ago saying she don’t love me no more. But we had a serious relationship and I’m not sure if I can get her back you got any ideas??

    • Kevin November 18, 2014, 4:25 am

      Follow the plan Raymus.

      • Raymus November 22, 2014, 6:30 pm

        Thanks Kevin,
        By the way should I make the first move or wait for her to txt me first also I feel that I should txt her now I’m more emotionally stable.

        • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:36 am

          If NC is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4, then you should contact her.

  • khushali November 18, 2014, 3:34 am

    thank you kevin very beautiful article . thanks for the efforts

  • chris November 18, 2014, 11:08 am

    Hello Kevin, I have been using your plan for a few weeks. I am in no contact but every once and a while I see her because we have a lot of mutual friends. When we see each other I usually say hi and that’s about it but she acts very hostile in that it seems as though she is very uncomfortable around me. Is this a bad thing and should I do something about it?

    • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:09 pm

      Not a bad thing. You don’t need to do anything. Just continue the plan.

  • Cj November 18, 2014, 11:29 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I wrote to you about a week ago. I was following the no contact rule, but I explained when I wrote that my ex and i work together.
    Yesterday was my first day back at work with him and the break room was packed except for where he was, which is where I sat when we were together. I sat by him and said we didn’t have to talk there was just nowhere else to go.
    We wound up talking and he said he misses me. I told him i miss him too.
    Toward the end of the day i realized he had something of mine in his locker.
    I waited at the end of the day to ask him for it. He gave it to me and we walked to our cars together. We talked a little about work. He brought up how his son has been asking about me, and a we talked about his son for a little. Then he said “you haven’t been texting me…” And looked kind of upset. I just said, he said he needed his space, so I was giving him that, and to be fair i told him he wasn’t texting me either. We hugged when we said goodbye and he told me to text him when I got home, which I did. We talked well and even exchanged “good night” texts.
    This morning we walked into work together and everything went fine. He even told me i could leave my things in his locker again.
    I left early for a doctor appointment and left him a note (which I did any time i left early when we were dating, and he still had ALL of them in there) telling him to have a great day and signed it with my name and a heart.
    I texted him at lunch time to ask how his day was going and got no response. I sent one more right before his lunch break was over to say I was sorry if I said too much and that if he had time and wanted to text me later, he could. If not, we’d catch up.
    I’m wondering if maybe I overstepped even though he seemed excited to want to talk with me again.
    If he doesn’t say anything the rest of today and tomorrow when we both have off, I’m going to begin the no contact period again. I’m hoping i didn’t blow it.

    • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:11 pm

      You shouldn’t have ended no contact so soon. Start again. Even if he says something today or tomorrow, tell him you need space and start no contact.

  • Luke November 19, 2014, 6:53 am

    Hey Kevin,
    My apology letter worked well, she said it was lovely and it reminded her of some “cute times” we had together. She said it’d be nice to see me some time, I casually replied and said itd be nice if we met up. She seems a little too ok with the breakup so I don’t know what’s going on

    • KMY November 19, 2014, 1:53 pm

      Hey Luke,

      Can you please tell me what did you follow in writing the letter? I want to write a letter to my gf but do not know how and I do not want to make it worse.

      • Luke November 20, 2014, 10:22 am

        Hey, here are the things i covered:
        i started by apologizing for my behavior after the breakup, then i said “i understand why you just want to be friends and i accept that”. Then i apologized for one thing i did in the relationship before telling her how i’ve realized i need to be happier and more confident. I finished it off with some small talk which included happy memories. Basically do a quick sincere apology without bringing up all the things you did in detail, don’t seem desperate and bring up good memories. Whatever you do don’t seem like you want to get back together, just think of it as a message to an old friend. If you do it as well as i did you’ll have a chance to meet up like i now do 🙂 good luck!

    • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:18 pm

      Different people deal with breakups differently. Don’t overthink it. Just follow the plan. All the best.

  • Salman November 19, 2014, 8:52 pm

    I’ve been blocked on whats app, viber , skype and even my phone number . I called her and even went to Berlin to see her . She used to beg me to see her . The only thing I can do is email her and possibly text her . I don’t see get or destiny of meeting her by accident happening as I live in London and she in Berlin . I went to her work even wrote her letter . I have no choice but to not contact her as have exhausted . I want closure and she won’t give it as I want to confront face to face . I called her like a mad man as was afraid she met another man. I’m doomed and so what if I stop contacting her because the phone is not going to work . How can see her and sit and talk to her and be attractive even on following your rule ? I have to stop contacting her but I’m in a destructive cycle . This is clearly and extream case messed up on the phone and distance does not help as well as being silent from her side it’s quite a pain and stake in the heart of theses facts against me . So?

    • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:24 pm

      Hey Salman,

      You need a couple of months of no contact. There are a lot of ways to meet and contact her once no contact is over. Don’t worry about that just yet. Just start doing no contact and do what the article says in step 2 and 3.

  • Oscar November 20, 2014, 1:00 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago. I was blind sided and did the begging and pleading and got her to be friends with me which was her idea for 2 months.
    My ex is one of those independent, stubborn, single mother type who has baggage in terms of her father.
    After the break up she has compared me to her father, in terms of trying to fix the relationship and failing, and she has mad false things up about me to pick up the pieces and move on.
    The friendship was one sided. I was doing all the initiating and as time went one she started to disconnected from me and ignore my texts and calls.
    After 2 months she slowly started deleting things from our relationship on Facebook.
    Before I went on my No Contact period, I asked if we could have another chance at the relationship, and her answer was; I cant answer that right now. I’m sorry.
    Was she trying to spare my feelings? How long should I do No contact for?
    I’m on day 20 and do realize I truly love her and want her back, will following your plan work after I messed things up?

    • Kevin November 21, 2014, 6:37 am

      There’s still a chance Oscar and it’s worth trying. But always be prepared for the possibility that it might not work.

      • Oscar November 23, 2014, 12:49 pm

        Thanks Kevin, My 30 day no contact period ends in a week. I plan on texting her a few days after. How long should I text her before making the call to ask her for coffee? What if I text her and she ignores me?

        • Kevin November 24, 2014, 8:36 am

          It depends on her reaction to your texts. If she is warm, you can ask her out after a week or so. If she isn’t you will have to wait a couple of week to a month. If she ignores you, wait a couple of weeks and try again.

  • Helen November 20, 2014, 7:37 pm

    Please a little bit light would be great 🙁

    Is it a rebound if after a 4 year relationship, ex bf friend starts to be interested/and dating a girl he met out of the blue whilst he was drinking and partying to cope with the break up?
    Break up happened 2,5 months ago and he met her 2,5 months ago… Told me that he feels good with her at the moment and doesn’t know where it will lead, he decided to tell me that out of the blue, to “help me move on…”

    NC is all I have left to help myself

    Also, I though about deleting him from Facebook but we have about 50 common friends and I want him to see how good am doing latter on when I’m healed.

    Should I just remove myself from Facebook for a month to not obsess over him?

    Thanks !

    • Kevin November 21, 2014, 6:40 am

      Yes, it’s probably a rebound. If you find yourself obsessing over his facebook status and pictures, then you should remove him. If not, then there’s no need.

      • Helen November 22, 2014, 6:26 pm

        Thank you Kevin,
        I also don’t understand why he would tell me this and then add things like:
        “I won’t tell you her name (so that I don’t check her on facebook) but she is normal looking not prettier than you” and also “maybe its a rebound I don’t know where it will lead”
        Its killing me that he is saying those things without me asking and also pissing me off, what would you thing about those statements?
        Thanks for your help, I don’t know where I stand but all your work is helping me getting better 🙂

        • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:35 am

          He is giving you hope because he doesn’t want you to move on. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

          • Helen November 23, 2014, 12:20 pm

            This make sense.. He could have told me that ages ago, but he kept saying things like he will wait for some time and see how he feels towards me in the future. (whilst telling me to not hold to this and to move on…)

            Obviously he didn’t as he met this girl, but he then said that he didn’t tell me earlier because he though I would find someone else anyway in the meantime and that then he would have told me.. That makes NO sense. He keeps begging me to hate him, to block him from social media, to forget about him, yet if that’s what he wanted, he could have said that thing about that girl ages ago in order for me to hate him and HE could have blocked me and stop answering me. Apparently he didn’t sleep all night before deciding to call me and tell me that.

            I also wanted to add that after saying that to me, he cried a lot, told me he couldn’t move on nor live normally, that everything reminded him of me (can’t watch some series nor listen to some music anymore) and that he couldn’t spend a day without wondering how I was doing, that it needed to stop and that he needed to start living like a normal person.

            I am just amazed, how is that a situation in which you would want to start seeing someone new?? It’s killing me and I’m also mad that he though that after 4 years I would want to find someone else that fast (he said that so many people fancy me he though I would.. WTH, on what planet is he living?) T_T

            What do you think? You always manage to put sense in my head and help me carry on with a 2 sentence reply so thank you so much..

            Helen x

          • Kevin November 24, 2014, 8:35 am

            His reaction to the breakup is very common. And so is yours. I think the best way to maximize the chances of reconciliation is to follow the plan.

  • Junaid November 21, 2014, 2:44 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I read your article and advice and it was very helpful so .I signed up for Relationship Rewind site but I am not getting the same I am unable to find something I need to know right now. As I did all the mistakes and She told me to not contact her again and she got married 17 of last month.I did not contacted her ever since and I was hopeless until I read your article and all signs were as she is going into rebound relationship like she got engaged very quickly and their relationship building was extra fast. its been month now, today she messaged me saying Hi. I have not replied to her text yet.I wants to know what shall I do now? Please help me to get her back with advice.

    Many thanks
    J Abbas

    • Kevin November 21, 2014, 6:44 am

      Hey,

      To be honest, if she is married, then you are better off moving on and not replying to her anymore. Even if it is a rebound, you will be entering a lot of unnecessary drama and complications by trying to pursue a married girl. It’ll much easier to find someone else.

      • Junaid November 21, 2014, 12:13 pm

        Thanks for getting back , What if she asked me after early stages of her marriage that if her relation will not work with her husband than she will contact me and asked If I will accept her.

        • Kevin November 22, 2014, 5:27 am

          Tell her she contact you once she gets a divorce and if you are single at that time, you will consider. But you will not be a part of her life as long as she is married.

          • Junaid November 22, 2014, 7:50 am

            Thanks

  • Mema November 21, 2014, 3:31 am

    Thanx for your advice Kevin ..
    well things started to get really difficult and different since he got back to his city .. at the first 2 days he was amazing .. and pretty nice to me .. but now .. he hasn’t spoken to me since 2 days .. he’s avoiding me .. I called him the last night ( actually I wasn’t calling .. I was just checking if he’s phone is off .. because I sent him a message but didn’t get the delivery report .. so I called and he picked up immediately).. he said that he will talk to me on whatsapp because he can’t talk .. I said ok .. later .. he was online .. so I talked to him .. he told me that he doesn’t have to talk to me every time he’s online!! .. and he didn’t want to talk to me .. I said but you’re the one who told me you wanted to talk .. he said that he’ll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok ..
    he did not talk to me yesterday .. today I woke up .. he was online and he sent a message saying he’s sorry but yesterday he was tiered and he went to sleep directly .. so I responded : ” thank you for not telling me that yesterday .. Is there anything wrong? .. I feel like you are avoiding me 🙁 ” .. he said : “that’s enough! ” .. and he went offline! !!!!!
    I’m really frustrated .. upset and confused .. idk what’s happening or what sould I do anymore 🙁 ..
    what do you think Kevin?

    • Kevin November 21, 2014, 6:46 am

      Hey Mema,

      It’s hard to say what is going on with him. If I had to guess, you pushing him and being needy is driving him away. Like I said before, you need to do a little bit of no contact again and stop being so needy if you want him back.

      • Mema November 21, 2014, 3:01 pm

        Thanks Kevin .. I’ll start NC again .. but how should I ask him for this .. without hurting him or pushing him further away?

        • Kevin November 22, 2014, 5:28 am

          Don’t ask him anything. If he contacts you, tell him you need some space and time for now and stop answering him after that.

          • Mema November 22, 2014, 3:16 pm

            ok .. I’ll .. but yesterday we talked .. he told me he still has feelings for me but he’s not excited about getting back together ..so I said that I feel the same .. and the problems we had didn’t kill our feelings towards each other but we reached a point where the pain was larger than the love .. and he agreed with me ..
            and said that he did not forget about us .. and that if he did he won’t be talking to me now .. and that he can never forget me this easy .. but this doesn’t mean that we should get back together ! ..
            and I’m the perfect girl .. and he’ll never ever find anyone like me 🙁 ..
            how should I change this?
            and how can I make him excited again about getting back together and I want this to be his idea not mine 🙁
            should I follow the RR .. and if I should .. what stage do you think I’m in?
            or should I do NC .. and if I should for how long should I do it?

          • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:33 am

            Hey Mema,

            Like I said before, I’ll recommend NC. At least for one month, preferably 2-3 months.

          • Mema November 24, 2014, 7:06 am

            ok .. I’ll do my best .. thanx alot Kevin

  • Kristin November 21, 2014, 9:14 am

    Hello,

    I wrote yesterday but I don’t see it on here. My ex and I broke up in July. He said he did not love me as much as he use to. He deleted me from Facebook which he had never done before and that devastated me. He said the reason he was doing that was because he loves me but needed space. so I went from July to September with no contact. I saw him at a BBQ in September and treated him like everyone else, but he could not even look at me. In October I reached out and said hope you are doing well. He said I am doing good and that was it. Then 2 days later he Facebook friend requested me. I sent him a few funny pictures here and there got no response. Then I sent him a trailer 2 weeks ago for a movie I thought he would like. He responded with a thumbs up. I sent one back . Then we sent each other funny stickers (we were using Facebook chat) the last sticker he sent me was a cat holding a sign saying sorry. After that I tried to reach out each week and got nothing. Yesterday I sent something got nothing. I realized he still has my key so I wrote him saying “I was trying to find my keys in my purse and I realized he still has them lol I shall need those back ” Got no response. I don’t know what to do. Everyone saids I don’t have a chance. I need help what should I do? and can this work? he is the only man I want

    • Kevin November 22, 2014, 5:25 am

      Hey Kristin,

      He is cold even after 3 months of no contact. In my opinion, you will be better off if you decide to move on. You can try to pursue him more but it’ll be an uphill battle. If you do decide to do so, I’d recommend you do no contact all over again for 2-3 months and text him.

      • Kristin November 22, 2014, 8:04 am

        I won’t give up I want him back so I will try the more nc we were together for 4 years . Why won’t he respond about my key? Do you think he still cares I know right after we broke up he admitted to not being himself for a long time.that he has been depressed. What do you think of the sorry the last thing he put? He is worth it to mw

        • Kristin November 22, 2014, 3:52 pm

          Do you think if I do yours and Ryan’s plan it will work?

          • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:34 am

            There’s a chance it might work. But like I say in the article, there are no guarantees.

  • Joanna Gerwine November 22, 2014, 12:11 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    I’ve been trying not to contact my ex. But what he did is start messaging me the next day and tell me that ” I can see that you moved on :’) ” but I didnt. what should I do? Or reply him 🙁

    • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:29 am

      If you want, you can send a message telling him you need some time and space.

  • lee November 23, 2014, 9:29 am

    after reading your guide . it helped me so much and although the road was tough.
    i am now back with my ex and feelings are so much stronger this time round .
    thank you so much

    • Shawn November 24, 2014, 7:02 am

      Was it worth the wait bro?

      • lee December 1, 2014, 1:26 pm

        The wait is the hardest part . but you have to keep to NC . just over a month with NC .we spoke and my ex missed me . Have faith and keep to this guide dude

    • Luke November 24, 2014, 11:23 am

      What did you do when you got back on talking terms to convince your ex? I’ve just got back to having 1 or 2 friendly chats with my ex, she’s coming up with excuses not to meet up, but I think that’s cus maybe she still likes me.

      • lee December 1, 2014, 1:29 pm

        My ex was exactly the same . Didnt want to mee me. So i left her with NC. i didnt suggest NC . I just looked after number 1.

  • kelly November 23, 2014, 8:11 pm

    This is the worst time of my life. My ex broke up with me about 8 months ago. I have never been so hurt like this before. I can’t stop thinking about him.iam madly in love with him. The reason he broke up with me he said I was cold towards him. Wouldn’t let him help me when I had problems. I pushed him away and now I’ve lost him. I haven’t slept I refuse to eat. I told him how I feel. He said we are finished and it’s over for good get it in my head. He is not in a relationship with anyone. He told me he care for me and he has feelings but is trying to block them out and he said all he wants from me is to be friends that’s it nothing else. I told him I can never be friends with someone who I am Madley in love with. He didn’t reply. He int hardly getting back to my text. He comes around every weekend to pick our son up. We get on really well. And he said if I wasn’t such a twat he still be with us now. I have tried the no contact. But only last for 3 days. I can’t let go of him. He’s our life. I absolutely love this man and it’s killing me being away from him. Please me and my kids need him .It’s Christmas soon and I want him back my children are devested that he is no longer here. Please help

    • Kevin November 24, 2014, 8:45 am

      Hey Kelly,

      Unfortunately, the only thing that will help is no contact. The only way to get him back is to stop being needy and learn to be happy without him. If you are finding it difficult to cope with no contact, I’d recommend you seek therapy.

      • kelly November 24, 2014, 11:50 am

        I have a new number and I think my ex has got one as well. Do you think now we can’t contact each other by text. I will only see him when he gets our son. Do you think we can get back together ??

        • Kevin November 25, 2014, 3:50 am

          Yes, I think there’s still a chance if you can follow the plan.

          • kelly November 25, 2014, 8:41 am

            Thanks so much Kevin. Your help is appreciated. Thanks for giving me advice 🙂

  • whodunnit101 November 23, 2014, 11:13 pm

    My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 1/2 years. We broke up August 31. For two months after the break-up I didn’t abide by the rule of no contact. We FaceTimed a few times and I texted him almost daily. As of the 15th of this month I’ve started no contact, so I can recover and gather myself in time to see him in person again around the same time next month.

    Do I still have a chance at a new relationship with him even though I was late to go along with no contact?

    P.S. Your emails are great. 🙂

    • Kevin November 24, 2014, 8:46 am

      Yes, you do have a chance. All the best.

  • Genesis1 November 24, 2014, 10:03 pm

    Hi I would just like to know does this work for ex bfs that were in the military and have ptsd? He won’t see anyone and has turned into a completely different person and broke up with me a few months back but still contacts me all the time what should I do I don’t want to be his friend I still love him and cry over him all the time. Should I do the no contact…. Thank u

    • Kevin November 25, 2014, 4:03 am

      Hey,

      He needs professional help and there’s a good chance it’ll work once he sorts out his PTSD. I think you should recommend him to get professional help and do no contact. Let him know it’s hard for you to stay in contact with him and you need time and space to deal with the breakup.

      • Genesis1 November 25, 2014, 7:30 am

        hi thank u for replying I have asked him too he says he would be weak if he does I was with him two years and he was wonderful he is such a different person he barely ever calls but texts me all the time and asks if I’m ok, he never wants to see me or do anything then another minute he’s fine I’ve tried doing the no contact I got through like three days lol and he will keep texting me asking if I’m alrite so I always reply because I don’t want to add more stress on him….. I’m just very confused and like I said before I don’t want to be his friend and I’ve told him that but at the same time I can’t stop replying to him….what advice do u have to make It through the no contact if he’s always texting …. Thanks again

        • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:25 am

          Just tell him before starting no contact. Tell him you need some time and space and won’t be replying to him anymore. And then stop replying to his messages. He will stop eventually.

  • andy1099 November 25, 2014, 12:25 pm

    My ex is very smart, she contacts me the moment I resort to moving on approx 3o days after I stopped contact. We broke up because of distance as she moved away for work. I had previously offered to visit her but she did not seem too excited and thought it would be too daunting to spend a weekend together. Now it appears the tables have turned slightly as she is communicating with me and I have made it clear that we need to talk but she has not really responded yet to that suggestion. I really do not like staying in touch if there is no chance for a future as I have very strong feelings for her and I believe she does for me as well. The problem is this neediness game and it just appears like sea saw going from me to her here and there. Can’t there be an actual consensus and openness that translates into YES let’s get back together…I have done most of the things stated, such as working out hard, going on dates here and there, but none of it seems to bring me to where I am level headed.

    • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:30 am

      After a while, you will have to have the talk and give her an ultimatum. Either get back together or cut contact forever.

      • andy1099 November 28, 2014, 3:07 pm

        yes, had the talk she said she wasn’t ready now and considered us finished but didn’t see any harm in saying hello – i said we had to cut contact after trying to somehow make it work – it was very tough to do but she agreed to it, I don’t feel good about it but i guess that’s life

  • Jillian1292 November 25, 2014, 4:31 pm

    Hi Kevin I left a comment and don’t know if you have answered it I can’t find it ;(

    • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:32 am

      Hey Jillian,

      The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You should post your comment on the message boards. We have a very supportive community here.

  • Aly November 25, 2014, 5:32 pm

    Hey Kevin, my ex and I broke up about a week ago with him initially saying it was a break.
    He told me he still loved me but felt unhappy and overwhelmed.
    Later telling our mutual friends he broke up with me because my comparing him to my ex and complaining about his mother became annoying. I only compared him to my ex because I was afraid of being hurt in the same way, and I never dealt with such a controlling mother as his but know I overstepped my boundaries.
    He told me we might completely break up, he doesn’t know the outcome, we might need to work on being friends first, and that he needs to focus on himself.
    But he told me to Facebook message him and I did, he told me again he loved me but the next day told me not to say it anymore and not to call him pet names so we can work on being friends for now to “see where it goes” and then he got advice from an elderly mutual friend of ours to ignore me which he didn’t want to do but is doing now because he believes she is wise.
    So he has initiated no contact, which I’m assuming he plans to hold for this entire week of Thanksgiving while he is away with family. I ran into him Thursday and tried to convince and almost beg him to return but since then have stopped talking. I don’t want to be his friend and made this clear, and at the same time he said he has faith in us and loves me but it might be healthy to date other people and that some people are just meant to not work out.
    A lot of our mutual friends are saying he probably needs a breather.
    What can I do and do you think we stand a chance? What do you think is going through his mind?

    • Kevin November 27, 2014, 1:05 pm

      Follow the Plan Aly. He does need some space.

      • Aly November 30, 2014, 1:27 am

        Kevin,
        What do I do if he’s spearheading the no-contact rule and it’s all in his hands?
        And I’m sure he is thinking that I am still crying everyday, complaining, and comparing, how can I convey to him that I am not while we are in no-contact without rushing to try to convince him/beg/plead/push him?

        • Kevin November 30, 2014, 2:07 am

          It doesn’t matter who started no contact. The primary aim of no contact is for you both to have some space and work towards becoming a happier confident person. You don’t have to convey anything to him right now. If you make changes in your life, it’ll show after no contact is over.

          • Aly December 5, 2014, 2:25 am

            After 2 weeks of no contact I saw him today when passing by and he hugged me, later I focus out he was back with his ex (far younger and they were only together for a month in the past, his mother made them break up due to age difference). My friend asked him why he didn’t tell me especially since two weeks ago he said he had faith/loved me but just needed space. And he said we were broken up and he didn’t feel like he had to tell me. I unintentionally ran into him again later, played dumb like I didn’t know they were together, asked him to talk to which he said “later” (and it didn’t happen) and he went to talk to her, later I saw him (we were with many mutual friends and we were civil but he was distant and seemed like he didn’t like me or want to be around me all of a sudden and he ended up leaving.
            I texted him later saying it would be fair to talk and he ignored it and is continuing to ignore me.
            What can I do and do you believe he’s rebounding or if I have anything to worry about?
            I don’t know how to go about getting him back especially when he’s always with her now and I see him frequently now due to mutual friends and living so close. And should I restart a month of NC and would it work in this situation?

          • Kevin December 5, 2014, 6:54 am

            If you have not finished no contact, then you should restart it after this. It’s probably a rebound. You should try to avoid him as much as possible and if you see him, just treat him as an acquaintance and keep the conversations as short as possible.

  • Louise November 26, 2014, 4:45 am

    Kevin,

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and recently ended it when he was in the company of an ex and lied the whole night about it. I tried to contact him but he would cancel the call which lead me to send a ranting abusive messages. It took me 12 hours to get in contact with him by then I had made too many stories up in my head to even see sense. I told him to leave the house which he did then I started doing the calling texting etc and the more I get ignored the more I do it. When his phone goes to voice mail I think im blocked and try everything else (I think im a nut job). So now he said he wants space and I think I have embarrassed myself enough. We have so much planned and I don’t want to not be with him hes just a bit of a fool in drink. I have trust issues which he doesn’t really make better with how he acts like lying about trivial things. I always contact his as I panic he will meet someone else which I don’t think I could handle right now.

    Not sure what to do?

    • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:33 am

      Follow the plan Louise.

  • Diego Fuset November 27, 2014, 1:07 am

    Before I write my question, I have to thank you, Kevin, for helping people with such devotion. After I read this article, my heart and soul were freed from a lot of pain and confusion.

    I’m convinced that I want to get my ex girlfiend back; I lover her and I really don’t have doubts about it. Nevertheless, she’s already in a relationship with this guy she met around last september. She told me (yeah, I confronted her at the time) that her new relationship wasn’t something serious, at least not for her. But judging by the way they get along (I’m aware of this thanks to certain social network), I’m afraid she lied to me, and I’m sure this new relationship of her is not as casual as she said. I guess she’s with him for a number of reasons, but the most important one is that she can meet him at college (her parents are very restrictive with her and don’t allow her to go out with frequency, and stuff like that). How does the 5 Step Plan change in my case?

    • Kevin November 27, 2014, 1:06 pm

      It doesn’t change Diego. It’s probably a rebound and you should let it run its course.

  • me November 27, 2014, 4:31 am

    Hey does this apply to same sex relationships. I want to get my ex gf back but only have the option of gf getting ex bf back

    • Kevin November 27, 2014, 1:08 pm

      Hey,

      It does work for same sex relationship. Unfortunately, I don’t have an email series specifically for same sex relationship. I’ll recommend you subscribe to the “Get your Girlfriend Back” email series. It will refer to your ex as she but it’ll refer to you as a guy.

  • Adam November 27, 2014, 8:49 am

    Dear Kevin,
    its been almost 2 months NCP after the big break up and blocking from all the social media (facebook ,whatsapp, ext..)
    could you please advise me what is the next step
    – should I go and meet her ?
    – a written message?
    -keep in NCP?
    THANK YOU OUR ANGEL IN ADVANCE 🙂
    Adam

    • Kevin November 27, 2014, 1:10 pm

      Hey,

      If it has been 2 months since you last tried to contact her, send her an email or text. Use the format for hand written letter mentioned in the article.

      • Adam November 29, 2014, 2:53 am

        Hey,
        I text her normal text such like hey i was in the same hotel bla bla lol,
        she blocked me after she read it , I do understand the she is hurts but she still wont talk to me she never been so Stubborn , any advice I want her i want make things better but no sigen from her not even a single one and she si not in a relation with no one ,
        please advice
        thank you .

        • Kevin November 30, 2014, 2:03 am

          If she is hurt, then you should just give her more time. You should also consider how long you are willing to wait for her. If she doesn’t become receptive in another 2 months, then I’ll recommend you move on.

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