Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

However, for those of you that don’t like reading too much, here’s a shorter version of the article. (Although, it is highly recommended that you read this entire article and the comment section. It will change the way you see your breakup and will give you a very detailed plan to follow. You will also find thousands of stories you can relate to in the comment section.)

How to Get Your Ex Back (Shorter Version)

  1. To get your ex back, you must not make any of the deadly mistakes that make you look needy or desperate.
  2. Once you stop those mistakes, begin no contact. Stop all communications with your ex unless it’s absolutely necessary and unavoidable.
  3. Become You Version 2.0. Take a step back and reassess everything. Work on becoming happier and more confident.
  4. Once no contact is over, get back in touch with your ex. If you do it correctly, he/she will be blown away seeing the new and improved version of yourself.
  5. Take things slowly and rebuild attraction, connection and trust with your ex. Keep doing it until your ex decides they want to get back together. Before you begin no contact take this short quiz to find out your chances of getting back together.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat_begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

 

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why do no contact?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

 

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find it in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like ”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques aka EBP Basics

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series. I call this email series EBP Basics.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

How To Gain Access?

Just go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get EBP Basics for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)

 

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8303 comments ...add one

  • kanakana
    Hi. I had this ex who left me last January. I constantly contacted him and he just shrugged me off. I followed everthing here and it worked!!! Especially the no contact rule.. but then heres the twist. I wasn't that happy when he came back.. i had trust issues of investing time and love for.him again.. he constantly begged me to come back for 4 months. But I just didnt feel like it because I was too traunatized when he left me. It felt like he will leave me anytime he wants.. i acted like a single woman and he knew of my flirting with other guys.. still, he stayed with me. But then one day after bearing so much pain from me. He said he couldn't handle it anymore and again wanted to leave me.. with the same reason as the first time he left me That he wanted to try new things in life and all that shit. He said hes been badly hurt with what I did.. I admit that I really got bitchy and kept on blaming him for what happened between us. Now I miss him. It felt like the one that got away came back and then he got away again. Do you think I still have the chance to get him back? Do the same rules here apply or its different now because its the second time around? What should I do. Please help me.
    • Kevin
      Hey, Well, it will be less effective but it's still your best bet. And there's still a decent chance that it'll work. This time, work on your issues before getting him back. And learn to express your emotions in a healthy way. Blaming never does anything for a relationship.
      • kanakana
        I have made a mistake and Im really asking.for.his.forgiveness but he wont.budge... he saidhe doesnt want to be with me anymore. That he's tired of us and everything. :( is there even an 80% chance of getting him back?
        • Kevin
          It's OK Kanakana, people make mistakes. Follow the steps. I can't say what are the chances of getting back together, but there's a chance. And as long there's a chance, I am sure you would want to take it. So go ahead and follow the steps. Give him time to process what happened and stop apologizing if you've already apologized. Start anew after NC.
          • kanakana
            kanakana
            Hi Kevin. We talked yesterday.. He changed his mind and said that he's still open in getting back together but he's not sure when. He said it will probably last from 1month to 1 year.. he even said that he's also open in being in a relationship with other people since we don't know the futre. He also said that its okay if I find.someone new because we will find our way back if we are meant to be. He said he still wants me.to be his wife in the future..but he can't predict the future whether he'd fall inlove with someone else or I might fall.inlove with someone else. I'm really confused. I did my part and suggested ways to fix this.but he.seems to.need more.time.for.himself..yhe kissed me yesterday and it felt like.he really still loves me..His friend also.told.me that my ex keeps on.telling.her that he loves me..but I just don:t understand...What do you suggest I should do? :(
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            My suggestion is the same. Do a little bit of no contact and repeat the process.
  • Flora
    Hi Kevin and all, a short recap on my situation, I broke up with my ex of 6 years back in april. I have done 2 months nc and tried initiating contacts with some of the texts. When i talk about random stuff.... He would respond politely, not raising any additional questions though. I told kevin before that he promised to meet after my exam in end of Oct. but as he's being cold to my texts, Kevin suggested doing NC till at least end of Nov, unfortunately i broke it, I sent him a text asking how he's doing after 3 weeks of not contacting him. He ignored, then I send another one today asking if he could get his hands on the thing he wanted a long time ago which is available for sale today, then he replied "nah.... My internet connection is too bad".... dunno why his only responding to these kind of texts. We have bot seen each other since May. What should I do next? Are my chance still high? thanks
    • Kevin
      Hey Flora, You should still do the same thing. Do NC till end of Nov. You have to be strong and learn to be happy without him in your life. He still thinks of you as needy and someone who is just trying to stay in touch with him out of desperation. Unless you can change your attitude towards him, your chances are pretty low.
      • Flora
        Actually I am being much independent now. I go out with friends and can actually stop interpreting what is going on with him / in his mind. Would it be too late to do NC now? I mean according to what you said, he is dead set already?
        • Kevin
          I wouldn't say dead set, but your chances seem low. It's not too late to do NC. But don't break it until November end.
      • Flora
        Actually, I have been following your advise, I picked up various sports now... Which I didnt have a chance to do when I am still with him. I have to say I enjoyed it a lot, coz I am a sporty person before I met him, but I tuned it down when I with him. I actually think less of him Already. But you're right, I do sometime reach out just to see what is going on in his life. as you suggested I should text him around 2 times a week earliet. but right now NC is the best option for me now? And he can still see my pics on FB, as I am always going out with others.... Should I not Let him see those?
        • Kevin
          Let him see the pics on facebook.
  • Scotty
    Hey Kevin During the 30 day NC , how long does it usually take for the urge to contact your ex go away? Seems to be getting worse!!!
  • Bart
    Hello, I left work for a month and she unloaded about some things she was unhappy about right before I left. I was confused if it was over or not while I was gone so I kept talking to her as much as I could. When I got back she said that she was not interested anymore and she wanted to focus on herself. Its been about 2 weeks since this happened. I havent contacted her until yesterday when she said she had some stuff of mine she'd like to give back. What is eating me up the most is that I am really confused to why and how she made this decision. She seemed to be upset about minor things when I left, and now she has totally lost interest. Idk if she thinks I'm unattractive or what? Basically I just want to improve and grow from this so if I can get back together with her I know what do. Or just to help me move on. I know I shouldn't contact her, but I just want to know why she felt this way so I can move on. I need the reasons why. thanks
  • Jason
    My ex ended things telling me "things were not the same anymore". The confusing thing is the week prior we spoke about marriage, and she said she of course would marry me and say yes if I popped the question. She always said I was the best this and that, but im just confused on what happened. In a message the morning after our break up she explained how sorry she was, but I never replied. The morning after she messaged me a long message mentioning about how great I was and how amazing I am. She said that what she said about marrying me was true but "unrealistic". She said that she'll always be there and hope I will as well... I haven't responded nor have I had contact with her since the night of our breakup. Do you imagine after following your steps it could have potential to work, or do you think I should just hurt while Im hurting and move on without the thoughts of potential with us in the future?
    • Kevin
      Hey Jason, You should do NC. You will find the answer to your question during the NC period.
  • Sean McDonnell
    Kevin, Thanks for all the help. Your site has been hugely helpful and motivational. My ex is in the process of moving out of my apartment, little by little, so I'm forced to see her at least a few more times. Should I begin NC after everything is gone? Also, she says she can't imagine being completely out of my life. What do I do with that information, as it seems extremely confusing. Thanks!
    • Kevin
      You can begin limited contact right now and do complete no contact when everything is gone. What she said is extremely common after a breakup and doesn't really mean much. She cares about you and is attached to you. Cutting you from her life completely scares her the same way it does to you. It doesn't necessarily mean she wants to get back together in the future.
  • Jacob
    Hi Kevin. Getting towards 25 or so days NC with my ex who left me after 3 years together. She's blocked my texts as I did text a few times after the break as I have so many questions, but It's her birthday next week and I already had purchased her several gifts prior to the split. I was contemplating sending the letter, but is it appropriate to send these gifts with it?
    • Kevin
      Nope. Don't send the gifts. Leave it for later. When you are back together.
      • Jacob
        Many thanks. Really appreciate it, should I send anything, i.e. a card, or should I wait the full 30 or so days before sending the letter on it's own? In context, the break was very sudden and strange for me. It happened on my Birthday, 25 Aug, and she gave me my presents, took me for a meal, whereby I noticed she was not herself, I asked her if she was going to dump me (as a joke) whereby she teared up and said "yes, but not today". There didn't seem much point in prolonging it after that. I'd just purchased a house with the intention of her moving in in October (which she pushed for) and settling down to start a family. Its completely floored me.
        • Kevin
          For her birthday, just send a short text and nothing else. You can send the letter after 30 days of no contact. If you don't want to send the letter, send a text.
          • Jacob
            Jacob
            Hi Kevin, Awesome thanks. I'm pretty confident I'm probably still blocked, is there a purpose in sending the text? Followed the advice in the five steps so far... just don't think I'll ever get to show how much I've changed. I've stopped smoking, and kicked a 20 year addiction to cannabis. I'm in the best shape of my life, new clothes, new cut. Feel good, but know I still want her back, but it feels increasingly unlikely as she seems so determined to cut all contact with me for good. Thanks for all the help here though, its deffinately helped me through a very dark time. You are literally a life saver
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            Hey Jacob, The purpose of text is to reestablish contact in a casual manner which conveys you have almost moved on and you are not needy/desperate anymore. If you think you are blocked, you can email or send a hand written letter.
  • KC0617
    Hi Kevin, I'm trying to apply NC rule now. Before this, he told me to leave his world. I just wonder if NC rule is still work between us when he said like that. We didn't ended peacefully, and asked to leave is his last message to me. Shall I go on with the NC rule?
    • Kevin
      It's OK what he said. It's quite normal. Don't worry about it and do no contact.
  • Will
    Hi Kevin My ex girlfriend recently came back into contact with me after seven months of NC, basically after she had broken up with her latest boyfriend. She ended up being upset after drinking at a party and called a bunch of people and I was the only one that picked up which led to me taking her home to sleep it off - invariably she kissed me in her drunken state as well. Over the next few days she stated that she's missed me, wants to be my friend, we've hung out, texted, snapchatted etc and in that time she has decided to move away to Australia. I basically asked her straight up why she was moving? Only because it honestly seems like she is just running away from her problems, even to the point where she has said she doesn't want to mess things up with me again because it didn't 'work' in the first place. Why do I get the feeling this is just a facade? I've even asked her this and she couldn't answer me properly. At the end of the day, I don't want her to move away cause I know she won't come back. Personally speaking, after being apart for so long and growing up, we could make 'it' work. What do I do? Do you have any advice for me? Thanks, Will.
    • Kevin
      If she is taking any big action for moving away (like buying tickets or selling her stuff here), then tell her that you want to work it out with her and ask her to stay. Until then, continue being in touch with her and having a good time with her.
  • kelly
    Hey Kevin. I would like to say thank you for all the advice you gave me. I've come to realise I no longer want to carry on with fighting to get my ex back. It's been 6 months since we split. Yes I do miss him. But he has no care in the world about me or the children. We are better off without him. If it wasn't for you given me advice I still be at wits end. Its time I gave up on him and move on. Thank you so much kevin x
    • Kevin
      I am glad I was helpful Kelly. I am sure the decision you made is the best for you and the children and I wish you the best for your life ahead.
  • Andres
    hi kevin PLEASE HELP! My girlfriend and i broke up two days ago, she is 24 and i am 20, she has been with her boyfriend for 5 years, she has two little girls. Well the reason she broke up with me is because im really shy and embarrassed, i have acne scars on my face thats why, and she said to me that its not noticeable. shes a party girl, and for 3 months she wanted to go partying and going on trips and having fun, i told her to wait until i do my laser treatment and she said okay, and we just stayed at my house watched movies, once in a while go out to the park and have a little fun, but i was embarrassed thats why i didn't go out much, so then she she told me she lost her love for me, and that she waited but i didn't do anything, she told me to be confident of myself, and know she wants to be alone. What should i do kevin?? should i apply the no contact rule, in this situation? i recently told her i love her with all my heart and i would change and do better, but she has lost love for me, PLEASE HELP KEVIN!
    • Kevin
      Yes, apply no contact and build your confidence before contacting her. Go out on a few dates and don't contact her unless you satisfy the checklist mentioned in the beginning of step 4.
  • Camille
    We broke up 2 years ago and I still love him and though we broke up we still go out then we ignore each other for weeks or months then go out again, contact each other again then ignore each other again and the cycle continued for 2 years then last September we are together again as couple but then around February he left me again then the cycle continued we go out and text each other for weeks then after how many weeks or months ignore each other again but today he is dating someone and he even said to me that theyre officially a couple and it breaks my heart so much that I cant sleep and eat and all I do is cry whole day and night especially when I saw a picture of them together. She's so pretty and I'm ugly and miserable, I dont know what to do with my life now. What should I do? :( I want him back but I guess its too impossible.
    • Kevin
      Hey, First of all stop berating yourself. You are beautiful and amazing person and anyone will be lucky to have you. You just need to get yourself out of this miserable state of mind. Follow the 5 steps mentioned in the article and learn to be a happy and confident person without him in your life. After that, if you still want him back, contact him.
      • a.z
        Hey Camille, After seeing your pic,before reading your story,the first thing i said was she is beautiful!! No matter what,you should be confident.Work on yourself and make positive changes in your life.Remember,only you can make yourself happy so be strong and try to be the amazing person you are.
  • Rania
    Hey kevin My bf broke up with me because of a fight he says that if we stay together we will keep fighting i said sorry a thousand times and said that i wont fight again and will do what ever he says ...i text him a thousand times everyday but i get a very rude reply and mostly no reply..!! i want him back :'( cant live without him :'( what to do please help
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan Rania. You can live without him and you need to learn to be happy without him if you want him back.
  • lynnwrigley
    OK. We dated for 2 and a half years very seriously. We got engaged in early 2013 and I broke it off but we wanted to stay together to work through our communication challenges when we have conflict. Conflicts became mutually verbally cruel - abusive you can say. We had a deep love. We are in our early 40's. I broke up with him 21 days ago and I have maintained NC. I mailed him his things (car key/suit jacket) and today, I have received a box of my things. Should I maintain NC? The reason I broke up with him was he had another cell/google number the entire time we were together that I was just notified of well, 21 days ago. So, there are trust issues clearly.
    • Kevin
      You should continue no contact. And him having another number is sort of a big deal. So before you think about getting back together, ask yourself if you can trust him again and what it'll take form him for you to trust him again. Before getting back together, lay out on the table what you expect from him and if he not willing to give you that, move on.
      • lynnwrigley
        I am going to take your advice (sorry for the double comments via my 1st question)! He said that the google number has laid 'dormant' and he genuinely believes he did nothing wrong....at all. And well, I think that is fishy. He uses the google number as a work number now and it's even on his business card so he certainly isn't hiding it at this point. It's not the only reason for the break up but a contributing factor. It was fishy to me. I am taking your advice. Thank you for giving it to me! I have primarily female friends so getting a male opinion and a male who is a professional via this site....is a relief. Thanks so much Kevin!
  • amna
    My ex is an army officer..he just wanted me to become a doctor in order to get married...i told him that becomming a doctor isnt an easy task...then he said''ok amna...the day when u become a doctor..come back to me,otherwise go and find someone else,i will not accpt u until u become a doctor....'' :'(
    • Kevin
      That's the first time I've heard something like that. That's quite ridiculous. I will not recommend you pursue him. Instead, find something that you want to do in your life and do that. You will find someone who respects you for who you are and not what your title is.
  • Meghan
    HI Kevin, Thanks for the article.
  • lynnwrigley
    I understand the rules of NC and I am following them. My question is in mailing his things back to him. Should I not have done that? It’s done now and he has followed my lead and mailed my things back to me today. I did not send a letter or text saying I needed time to myself. I sent nothing other than an empty box filled with his belongings. If I were him? My thought would be ‘she wants absolutely nothing to do with me’. And thus, he mailed my things back. I wonder if I should send an email stating I mailed his things to be respectful and right now, I need time to myself OR just leave it as is – day 21 of no contact and keep moving towards the 30 days of no contact.
    • Kevin
      It was OK that you mailed him his things. Don't worry about it and there's no need to email him unless he contacts you first.
      • lynnwrigley
        Thanks Kevin! Also, I broke up with him...I don't know if that changes your answer.
        • lynnwrigley
          He said the number was 'dormant' and he genuinely believes he did nothing wrong . I'm following your advice to the letter and I very much appreciate you responding! Please disregard my out her thread bc I didn't see that you had answered here.
        • Kevin
          Nope it doesn't change my answer.
  • Connor
    Hey Kevin, I've been with my ex for about 2 yrs and a couple of months ago we broke up where I jokingly indicated he lied about smthing small. He took it the wrong way. Initially, I removed him off all social media outlets. We cont'd txting then he went nc with me for 2 months. Decided we'll talk again for the nxt 6 months then added me back on fb. Every single time we talked he'd bring up smthing sexual then when I confronted him that it's not appropriate we were able to speak of our interests again. Within our convos, he always sounded sad and angry at me. Yet, he was never able to tell me what's new in his life. I again confronted him about that and he said he wanted to keep me as an acquaintaince. Finally, I admitted that I was still interested in him. He apologized and told me not to and wasn't in a good place. I waited out 3 months to try again. This time he started putting me down and telling me the whole time he lead me on. We argued for 2 days straight thru txt. I don't understand why someone would cont'd to argue if he didn't feel something? Or am I wrong? After the argument, after I said smthing mean for the first time since I was just taking it earlier I told him I regret meeting him. He instantly blocked me off fb. 5 min later I called and left a vm apologizing bc when someone degrades you they wouldn't just sit there and listen. He then txted back saying I hope you learn fr this and just move on. I hope you find someone else. I told him he has no right to give me advice cause he doesn't understand. He said maybe I don't know. Now, I've been in nc for about 3 wks almost a month nxt week. I just don't get his actions, if you didn't like someone why bother talking to them if they know the other still likes them or argue with them for 2 days? I'd just drop it. 2wks after nc, he removed me off instagram after he told me he doesn't use that app anymore. I feel like he lies a lot and when he puts me down, its cause thats how he views himself. I don't know, but why remove me off unless he wanted to spark some reactions which I didn't. We separated before but cont'd talking during our time apart. This is the first we're not in speaking terms. He said he's with someone, but I feel like that's a lie and whatever reason he wants space since I didn't give it to him the first time. The only reason why I feel like he's lying is because the wk before he said he was single then the wk after he said maybe he still does like me. Then the wk after he thinks I'm ugly. He didn't want to tell me how long but before he told me he was seeing someone else for 5wks which that ended. I'm so confused, they say that girls are complicated but he's complicated. How likely will he come back to me? I'm really confused about his actions, for whatever reason I feel like if I talk to him now he will instantly reply back too.
    • Kevin
      His actions are confusing because he is quite confused himself. And like you said he puts you down because he has low self esteem. If I read correctly, it's been more than 6 months since you are trying to get him back. In my opinion, if he hasn't changed till now, he won't change in the future as well. He is going to continue to put you down and confuse while you wait for him to come back. In your case, I'll recommend you concentrate on moving on. Life is too short to put up with someone who doesn't respect you.
  • Victoria
    Dear Kevin, Thanks for this website. I used the advice in it and it really worked. I posted back in May, I think, that I was back in touch with my ex and we were going to meet for coffee. Months later, we are fully back together, boyfriend and girlfriend. Our relationship is better than ever. Maybe I'll tell you the whole story some time but it is late and I have to get up early! When I first saw this website I searched the comments section for success stories to find hope, and there weren't really any, just people asking advice. That is why I want to let everyone know that it worked for me, so maybe someone else can find hope in their time of sadness. I'll give all the details when I have some more free time. Okay, I'll tell you a little bit. I only waited two weeks to contact him, and I texted him because his uncle was having heart surgery, which I heard from his brother. I felt bad using his pain as a tactic to my advantage, but on the other hand, I decided it would have been even worse of me to NOT be supportive. This got us chatting a bit. It went on from there, little by little, and four months went by before he was ready to call me his girlfriend, and now things are better than they were the first time. Good luck everybody! P.s., His uncle is doing fine now.
    • Kevin
      That's so thoughtful of you Victoria. Thanks for sharing your story. And best of luck with your relationship. :)
    • Robert
      I'm new to this website and very happy for you. Reading your story has given me some sense of hope. I hope that in the future I can come back to here and report some success as well. Good luck with your relationship.
  • Adam
    Dear Kevin, i will cut the long story short ; we broke up since 2 months ago I done the plan, perfectly was super good , i receive a call from her crying to forgive her .. then one lady friend wrote in my insta bad comment , she block me from everything as you know its 2 weeks so far she unblock me once i called and she cancel the call !! i know how much she is hurts im going next week to her please any advise how to start i want to make things clear i don't want to stay in this pain , so I booked my ticket im going, to meet her am not going to get her back i want things clear ....
    • Kevin
      Hey Adam, If she is hurting and angry, give her some time to heal and calm down. If you want to explain yourself, you can do so using an email and or a text as well. Going over there might backfire.
      • Adam
        Hey Kevin, maybe i want some fire , she drive me crazy every day.. i know my flout , im fighting for her and her love, im going there i will send her Favorites coffee to her office i will write our pass-code one the coffee Mug i will wait dawn next her car if she come , i will talk if not i will go to the airport never comeback i will make it clear im not her to push you to love me im here to tell you that you mean alot for me and I MISS YOU ..
        • Adam
          Dear Kevin, first i will thank you for all your advices ,its was relay good and helpful and make me a new person, just want to tell you that she left Spain and her father send her to Chilly in other part of the world , now im SAD , but im happy if she is happy , now im in a strange moment in my life , my story start and finished like a movie style .. im so happy to fallow you for the past 2 months its change me a lot ..thank you for every thing
  • jake
    Dear Kevin , I've posted a comment earlier but it's not showing up on the website ... Since then my situation has changed , i applied no contact for about a week and my ex instant messaged (whatsapp) me saying : i love you . It's so hard not to talk to you . I hope you're having a good weekend . I replied , saying i love her too but i jokingly said : you couldn't just say how are you , in an effort to lighten up the conversation .We talked for a bit and it was fun she made some references to the future :when i see you again then blabla . But the only serious statement she made was : i want to be with you but there's too much going on in my head . I know this statement usually means that she still can't commit herself and it's likely she still misses me and just can't go cold turkey with me when it comes to no contact . Or she just wanted her ego to be stroked . The funny thing is that i follow her on tumblr (she doesn't know this) and i could just tell how much she was hurting the past week , posting things like : can i tell you a secret i still love you , missing you comes in waves tonight i'm drowning , i'm sorry i pushed you away , i'm scared of you breaking my heart etc . I really don't know what to do , i really wanna play it cool and just keep it light and build attraction . But i'm scared she ' s gonna string me along again , like the past 2 months before no contact . But if i say i need more space , i'm scared she'll really move on this time . Because essentially nothing has changed , she loves me but she has too many issues . She has been depressed for the past 2 months , barely leaving her house , not really talking to friends , let alone meeting them . Not your typical :i need space and then goes out to flirt with tons of guys to see if there's anybody better out there. Should i initiate a friendly meeting later this week and in the meanwhile keep talking and building attraction or say :nothing has changed , let's give eachother some more time to think . Thanks in advance !
    • Kevin
      Hey, Since you've been trying the same thing for the past 2 months, I think it'll be a better idea to tell her you need space and time and do no contact.
  • Mia
    Hi Kevin, I found your page a little too late. My ex broke up with me about 5 weeks ago, because I wasn't making him happy anymore, he was feeling tired and exhausted during and after a period of time where I suffered from depression. While I was having my depression we talked about how our relationship wasn't really working, but that we would give it a try for three months once I was better, so our judgment could be made based on 6 months, when I wasn't sick. Two weeks after I was starting to get better we broke up, because he was unhappy with our relationship. We were together for 2 years and lived together. When we broke up I kind of had a fall back and I called him once, trying to get him to chance his mind. After a week at my parents, where we had almost no contact, we started chatting and talking again very casually and jokingly almost every day. He came by to pick up some stuff three weeks after our break-up and we slept together. One week later he was hungover and gave me an open invitation, which I declined. I'm increasingly feeling better and I'm starting to enjoy time with myself, spend time with my friends, exercise etc. I really want him back, because I think that we are right for each other. I don't think he wants me back yet. I'm basically doing most of what you're recommending: giving myself time to heal, doing things I love, I'm hoping to go on a date next week, spending time with friends etc. The only thing I haven't done is the no contact, since we keep writing to each other about practical things (apartment sharing, money transfers etc) and then that turns into a causal chat. I've tried to let him know that I don't want any contact, but then there's always something that gets us talking again. Where should I go from here? I'm guessing that I should really try to do no contact for a month, but am I too late?
    • Kevin
      You should do no contact. You are not late. It's OK to talk about practical things if it's necessary but don't let it turn to casual chat.
  • Spencer
    Hey Kevin, What do I do if she is with another guy after 30 days? Do I still contact her or wait until they break up.
    • Kevin
      Still contact her.
  • Anonymous
    Hi Kevin, I read through your steps and I think that it does make sense; however the most important thing is like you say, don't expect a guarantee to get back together. To tell you the truth I am probably much too late to be following your advice, it's been about just over a year and a half that the breakup happened...we were engaged and she decided we weren't actually compatible a couple of months after she had said yes to the proposal. We had our fair share of disagreements and arguments but I never saw any show stoppers to the relationship, I guess that wasn't the case for her. Nonetheless, I am kind of stuck in a rut because I still think of her constantly and keep looking for photos of her on social media (I've cut ties to her completely to try and help myself move on I but still go snooping around to find out news about her). She is currently seeing someone and so it just seems less and less likely that there could ever be some sort of re connection....The only thing that keeps me holding on is that I still see that she has some vacation photos posted of when we were together, although the pictures are just of her (I am not in them, but I am the one who took the photos) Anyways, just wanted to know what your point of view was on this particular situation. I've heard of ex's getting back together after years of doing there own thing. Just not sure whether reaching out to her one day actually makes sense...Thanks...
    • Kevin
      Hey, Well, I think you should reach out to her. Even if things don't work out, at least you tried and it might just give you closure.
  • Sarah
    Kevin, Thank you for your articles. I have a story about getting back together with my ex successfully -- after 30 years! We seemed to use most of your techniques intuitively, both after our breakup back then and later when we got back together. Now I kind of wonder whether he wanted me back and found this article. LOL. We are happily back together after a year of seeing each other. This is no flash in the pan. We are talking about staying together forever. A couple of cautions for your readers, however. I broke up with him. I did not want to lose our friendship, so I decided to give us time for the romantic/sexual ardor to cool down before trying to be platonic friends. I don't recall whether I told him this before or after our no contact period, but I did explain it. I was not trying to get him back though honestly I would have been open to it. The danger was that 3 months into what turned out to be our 6 month no contact period, I met the man who would become my husband. So it is not always true that both parties will not meet someone else significant during the no contact period. As I had already agonized over my decision to break up for months, I had already mentally moved on. I did not need a long no contact period to be ready to meet someone new. Maybe our no contact period was too long, but we went back and forth about resuming our relationship with a shorter no contact period. It became clear to me that it had to be longer. I think the more two people really care about someone, the longer the no contact period has to be. Feelings run high. You could say a long no contact period means you really weren't right for each other and the breakup will be final. Although our breakup was final (kind of), our current relationship suggests we were right for each other and we did care. He tried after the 6 months to get me back, and it was a very close thing, but ultimately failed. I think one success key to getting back together is to understand the bigger assumptions about what a relationship means to each of you and what you want and expect in it. Maybe explicitly discuss needs that are not being met, and how they could be met. That would have helped us back then, and has helped us now, even taking on the biggies that are scary to discuss. They are worse left alone, festering. So, in our case, it was helpful, after re-establishing an attraction, to go over old ground and understand what went wrong and how to make them better. If things really are wrong, can they be solved? Many times, the problems are more miscommunication leading to misunderstanding leading to resentment. A good talk can clear that right up and renew care and love. As for reestablishing contact, I was the one who emailed him first (when we were both divorced for years). As the one who ended the relationship, first by breaking up, and then by marrying, I don't think he would have contacted me. We went back and forth a few months apart on email, then had the occasional call, then many calls, then physically met again. I did not text at that time, so that was not an option, though we do now. This type of escalation of intimacy of contact allowed attraction to form again while we both had time to think separately. If it is meant to be, it will be. Sarah
    • Kevin
      That's an incredible story. Thank you so much for sharing it with the rest of us. I wish you best for your new relationship with your ex.
  • Darneisha Powe
    Hi my name is Darneisha. My boyfriend broke up with me officially yesterday. A week ago he wasn't answering my calls or responding to my texts. He would just look at my Facebook messages n not reply. I've constantly asked him what's wrong. I blew up him up which I think is part of the reason he strayed away from me. :(. He finally told me he just needed some space,he's going through a lot and accused me of not being pregnant withhis baby which I was after we had the abortion n said that the abortion wehad was really hard for him. I expressed my feelings n he told me it hurt him but he loves me so much. Afew days later he came over n we sat in the car n he told me its over n y should we keep going through this pain n let's at least be friends first n progress into a relationship n I was fine with that. He just has been very concerned because he feels he's Sharingme with my child's father because me n my child's father have a baby together n he's expressed how's it a big difference with his daughters being much older n my son being so young. I think he doesn't trust me n that's n ot the case. I love him n only him. Me n my child's father are just parenting that's it! After that I've texted him 24/7 which I should have never done n I should have given him time instead of being desperate. Wehave been going through a lot in our relationship n we both felt its time to have space. He's told me to calm down n I couldn't because I love him. Ever since he's ignored me completely n texted me a day ago saying he's done,he doesn't care n he doesn't want me n he actually wished he never met me n pray I stay out of hislif n I'm like where is all of this coming from! He's been very mean. Idk what's wrong with him but I think I just need to follow your rules. I haven't contacted him all day so. I'm just trying to get advice.
    • Eddie
      You can't force someone to feel something they don't. You should move on because you deserve better
    • redrose
      so sad,my story is different but same same situation
  • lynnwrigley
    It's Day 25. I thought about what you said Kevin via if I can trust him again. And I am not sure. Regardless, his birthday is this Thursday which is near the end of our 30 days of No Contact. The No Contact period is going by quickly actually and I see the health benefit of it. I get your approach now and I see why it is a success regardless if you get your ex back or not. I have spend the NC time resting - healing my heart - and I am now coming up for air. I have gotten a new haircut (smile) and I need a lot more time to heal but I am finally taking care of me. Should I text him on his birthday or just leave it to the full 30 days (it will be 28 days on his birthday). I am starting to realize that regardless of what happens, I will be ok. And I believe that is one major aspect to your 5-Step Plan so thank you! I am glad I am following through.
    • Kevin
      You can text him on his birthday. All the best.
  • joy
    This is really great advices, i broke up last sept 15,2014 ,my first 3 days was miserable, but when I questioned myself is he worth living I mean why is so easy for him to let me go if he really love me. at first yes everything in the rules ,I did that, funny but yes, but I didn't get any answer from him,yes your right with that. Every time I texted him,.no reply,when I called he,he answered me with a cold voice.he always says "give me space" then I realized that I need space for myself too until I research and read your article, this is a big help ,and thank you more power
  • Rober
    Hello Kevin, I have posted 2 comments on here looking for some advice but I haven't seen either of them. I'm wondering if it was because they were too long? Please let me know. Thanks.
    • Kevin
      If they were long, it was probably the reason. I recommend posting questions asking for advice on the message boards. You will get a response much faster and will get to hear from many different perspective.
  • Christina
    We've broken up 3 times and it was because we got back together way too fast. Is this still going to work if I do the no contact for the whole 30 days? This was in the span of 2 months, we've been together for almost 3 years.
    • Kevin
      You have a better chance of the relationship working if you do no contact for at least 30 days, work on yourself during that time, and try to figure out what went wrong and what you can do to make the relationship stronger.
      • Christina
        Okay. There is also a tv show coming on almost exactly 3 weeks after our. Read up that we always watch together. Would it be okay to ask him to watch it with me as long as I act as if we are just friends and not bring up the relationship at all?
        • Kevin
          If you have been in contact with him and he is warm to you, then yes, it's ok.
  • dee
    My boyfriend broke up with me last week. On the phone! Saying he doesn't think the relationship can work cos he is going through some stuff in his heart. His friends told me he told them I might hurt him like other ladies in his past has hurt him.cos he is albino, he thought I might break his heart like what happened in his past. I was and still hurting, I really love this guy, I sent many messages and even stalked him on social media, though I have apologised but he is not responding to my messages. But I think I will be starting the no contact. ..I really love him and want him back.
  • Adam
    Hi Kevin, I absolutely loved every word of this website and find so much comfort in what I'm going through right now. I've been with my gf for 3 months and I've the best time of my life with her. She's 45 and I'm 34. We both accepted the age difference and I've never felt the age gap. After dating for a month, we decided to meet where she went on vacation (her hometown). We had a great time and built so many happy memories together - we even talked about marrying, kids and the future. After my vacation, I came back and a week later she came back. We booked a vacation for Christmas flight tickets to go back and meet her parents as I didn’t get a chance to meet them when I was there. So, on a Wednesday evening I made her a romantic candle lit dinner as I really wanted to impress her and show her how much I love her for being her (first time I ever cooked for anyone). She was so impressed and was so grateful. The next day (I didn't sleep all night as she snored and I didn't want to wake her up as it was a work night) she woke walk up and she said she loved me and went to get ready for work. I was very angry as I didn't sleep all night and wasn't thinking right. I had a huge argument with her and said I didn't want this kind of relationship anymore. She cried and said she didn't want to be with anymore and wrote me an email saying she decided she didn’t want to see me again and how much she loved me and not to contact her again. I made the usual human mistakes of contacting her - sending texts, calling her to try and get back with her. I spoke to her on the phone and said that I’d like to be friends (I was getting desperate) I have changed and am happier within myself. She said she wasn’t ready to see me and I have gave her a week and I’ve started the no contact rule. After the no contact period, best way ask her out? Many thanks
    • Kevin
      A hand written letter or email apologizing and telling her you've accepted the breakup.
      • Adam
        Hi Kevin, I wrote a follow up message but it has disappeared?
        • Kevin
          Try writing it again.
          • Adam
            Adam
            Hi Kevin, So, I gave her space and started a convo after she came back from her school holidays (she's a teacher). I said hope she had a great holiday and welcomed her back. She replied she had a good time and hope I was well. I waited some days and initiated contact - I called her and we had a chat about us. She got emotional, said she wasn't ready to see me and I we she didn't think I had changed in a month (even though I said on the phone that I had a new exciting job, new friends and my life was happy). Then I had no contact with her for a week and sent her flowers with a note saying I was thinking of her. She replied "Thank you for the flowers, but you shouldn't have sent them!! Hope things are going well for you." I replied I hope you liked the flowers and I hope we could talk. She didn't reply and sent a text message later saying I missed her. I let some days pass until I contacted her again saying could she call me when she got a chance. She said she didn't want to call me and the more I contacted her, the more she realised she want to talk to me. I replied saying I apologized and how much I have changed. She replied the main reason she felt angry was because I didn't respect her decision and all I think about was what matters to me. So, some days later I lost control of myself as I was really missing her. I sent her many messages and called her a couple of times for 4 days. She said what do I think I would achieve with all those calls and messages when she made it clear she didn’t want to talk to me and what would I achieve when she going to change her number. I sent her a text apologising and saying I understand this is not the way to communicate and I accepted her decision. I constructed my life and for bettered myself for my life and wanted her to see the new me. We should meet and talk about this as life is too short. She replied saying no a million times I don’t want to see you, that’s her answer and I have no other option than to respect it and try to understand it. I replied said I’ve been thinking about what she said and I understand it. If it made her truly happy and didn’t want me to be a part of her life then I would leave her alone. It was never my intention to hurt her in any way. That was the Sunday before and I didn’t get a reply. On Sunday, she blocked me from Whatsapp and on Friday that just passed, she unblocked me (I have no idea why). That’s where I am and I have started no contact. If you can advise me in anyway, I would internally grateful. Thank you very much Kevin. Adam
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            Hey Adam, I think you started talking about the relationship a little too soon and acted desperately after that. Your best option right now is to do no contact for another 2-3 months and try again. This time, keep it casual and friendly. Don't send her any flowers or any gift of any kind. Act like you just want to be friends. And if it still doesn't work out, you should move on.
          • Adam
            Adam
            Hi Kevin, Thank you for the reply below. I did to reply but here wasn't a reply option. I have just two queries - it's her birthday in December and I was thinking should I wish her a Happy Birthday. If I do, wouldn't that break the no contact rule? I mean, I don't want her to think I don't care, or I'm being mean but then again I am trying to give her space. I was thinking of sending her flowers at her work or even meeting her after work to give her flowers. The second thing is, when we came back from Spain, we booked non refundable tickets for Christmas so I could meet her parents. I called her a couple of weeks ago and she knows about this but didn't say anything. I can't get a refund, I can't change the tickets and no one really speaks English there. I did ask my friends to go but as it's Christmas, I don't think many people want to leave home. I was thinking of getting a hotel and taking my chance to see her when I got there. I would appreciate any advice as I am non the wiser to what to do and I don't have much time left for the year. Thank you very Kevin, Adam
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            Wish her happy birthday but keep it short and don't try to use it as an excuse to meet her or talk to her more. I won't recommend going there for Christmas. If you want to go travel, then go ahead. But don't try to meet up with her or even contact her. It'll just look desperate and she'll probably reject you again.
          • Adam
            Adam
            Hi Kevin, To cut a long story short and I shouldn't be writing on here...more like on your "success stories". :) I got back with her and we as stronger than ever. I will be writing on your success stories section. Thank you so much for all your help and support :) #Dontgiveup Adam
  • justin
    I want my ex back and i have honestly begged to have her back but ima change my image and mature and let her be and let her come back to me
  • red
    is 4 months of No Contact good for a 7 years relationship?
    • Kevin
      I think it's enough. Although, read the checklist at the beginning of step 4 before ending the no contact.
  • Wil Buenavista
    Kevin my girlfriend broke up with me because she said that she's not happy with me..and she tried her best to love me but it didnt work it out...I cant believe that she says those words.."Im not happy with you!!!" she said but everytime were together I always make her laugh..even her family like me..she still left me..I gave her everything she want..one thing that I have in mind is that we see each other seldom..weekly.every other week sometimes once a month... I dont want to loose her Kevin..Please help me.. I gave up everything for her my career and a lot of friends just for her.
    • Kevin
      Hey, Perhaps the reason her attraction faded away is because you put her before your career (it looks needy). I might be wrong. But I'll still recommend you follow the plan and learn to put yourself and your goals before her and anyone else.
  • Sibyl
    Hi Kevin, I don't know if I found your page too late or not. I have done all I shouldn't have to beg him back. Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship. We have been together for 5months, we met each other quite often. 1-2 times per months. We went into a loads of argument this month, after the last fight he just literally ignored me and broke up with me about a week later. I even flied to see him yet he refused. He just asked to be friends just like when we first met. He started the conversation about why he refused to see me after I agreed to be friend. Should I reply and ask him why or just start NC? (He texted me last night, I haven't talk to him since I told him to be friends)
    • Kevin
      You can start NC after replying to him or right now. Either way is fine. If you decide to reply, you should tell him that it's OK and he doesn't need to explain himself. You understand that you two have broken up and he doesn't owe you any explanation. And then start NC.
      • Sibyl
        Hi Kevin, There is one bother me as well, we planned to travel this weekend and obviously we can't make it. Should I do the refund for him(I guess this is one of the concern of long distance relationship-money), I just think no to waste the money with any reasons. Or I ask him to do it himself? Yet I don't want him to think I care about money a lot. Thanks!
        • Sibyl
          I can cancel two tickets without inform him, or I just cancel mine? As he said "we are not going! I canceled"
        • Kevin
          Talk to him about it. But keep it short and don't talk about any personal feeling.
          • Sibyl
            Sibyl
            Will it break the NC? I just canceled it early today... He might get the refund sooner later. Should I just leave it? As he hasn't reply me not talk to me. Will I look so desprate that keep talking to him:/
  • KC_0617
    Hi Kevin, After the NC rule, I contacted my ex, with the note you taught in the email. Eventually he replied and we chatted almost a day until the next morning he didn't reply me again. He felt glad that I'm doing great here, but he told me that he isn't good and need have a change in fortune too. I wish to send him a little motivational gift, but I'm not sure it is good for situation now. Me and him are apart and at different places. Shall I?
    • Kevin
      Don't send him any gift. Stay limited contact for another 2-3 weeks before contacting him again. Then stay in touch with him intermittently.
      • KC_0617
        Kevin, I believe limited contact is good for we both. He told me that he met someone new but still single. Before this he asked me if I have meet anyone new. Our conversation is just short and he would not reply after a day of chit chatting. It's just keep me wondering and worry if he would go for the new one sooner. Any advice could help?
  • H
    A girl who likes him is there in his life i don know as a friend or gf.Its been 2 days that both of us decided about break up and not to contact no call no msgs. I want him back we had such up n downs many times but at the end we were together this time it seems worst. i trust him but till it kill me when ever i thought about him n that girl. He is going through tough time its been 3 months we are in same city but he didn't bother to come and see me. As its tough times i ignored it. But that girl n him were together many time he was the one who told me about it. Even i m going through tough time and his ignorance was making me more insecurity . When we broke up he said some of those things which were pain full to hear. I don't know what should i do. I was the one who said we should better break up n be friends. same day he called me told me how much he is worried about me and gave me e.g of that girl said if something like would have happen to her he would not have cared about it.I told him how much I want him back. We were together for 4 years.we use to have some issues related to my past but this time it was not the reason.
  • Genine
    So, what happens when your Ex has gone back to an Ex girlfriend of his past? What do I do?
    • Kevin
      Follow the same plan. If it doesn't work, move on.
  • Noa
    Hi Kevin! My case is a bit different. I'd been together with my ex for almost two years, with one breakup in between. And we were extremely happy most of the time. However I have a mental disorder, ADD. It's the non hyperactive and non aggressive type of ADHD. However it still causes small problems regularly. The relationship ended with a pretty big bump from my part. I had a humor switch and said some mean things... Then my ex told me she needed some space, broke up, and got herself a new partner after four days. It's been three months since and all of the world has fallen into chaos.... My question is if you believe that your guide applies even on me. Is it too late to try and follow your guide now? Any tips or tricks for my particular situation would be awesome. With love, Noa
    • Kevin
      It's not too late. Follow the guide. Use the letter and apologize after no contact.
  • Miky
    I'm not sure if my comment posted or not so I'll do this again. We'll me and my ex were 1 1/2 years together. Once she broke up with me she told me she didn't want to talk to me ever again. Bad right? She also told me she was talking to someone else that made her happy unlike me? We haven't talked in awhile but not long enough? How do I get a hold of her she blocked me on all social Media from Facebook to snapchat. She also blocked my number. How do I get her to miss me? And want me back ?
    • Kevin
      You can send her the hand written letter mentioned in the article. You can also email her.
  • Robert
    Kevin, I need some advice please. Me and my girlfriend of over 6 years have been separated for about 3 months. Originally it was suppose to be a break but I messed up by chasing her, being needy and pushed her away and now we are broken up. During the 3 months we would talk and still hang out. Last time we talked 3 weeks ago she said she didn't know if we were going to get back together. She said that we needed time with no contact but said to let her know when we would start so she wouldn't be texting or calling me with no response. I went ahead and started a no contact period without telling her. She texted me once 2 weeks ago asking to be taken off my cell phone plan. We had to meet up at the cell phone store. That day she acted like she was upset with me and I hardly talk to her. Yesterday she called me and I didn't answer then she texted me explaining more on the cell phone plan. Then she said that she hoped I would have answered so she wouldn't have to text me a long message and if she could have just 10 more minutes of my life if I had time. I decided to call her and she was saying that she knows that I'm going to move on and she was going to move on but it felt weird not to talk to me cause I was her best friend and her boyfriend. I told her it felt weird for me too but that this is what she wanted time with no contact and I didn't want any of this (meaning the break up). She said I should have told her cause right now we have to have contact in order to get all our stuff settled (separating everything we have under our names) then we can stop talking. She also said she was shocked that I mailed her paperwork and I didn't call her to just drop it off. I kept it cool throughout the conversation and before we hung up I apogized to her for acting needy and clingy these past months. Throughout the conversation she had a sad tone. I'm wondering if she is in the missing me stage you talk about in your emails but I'm not sure if she is missing me enough to get back together. What next steps should I take? Do I continue a no contact or beginning to talk to her again? I can honestly say that I can check off most of the things on the list when begging contact again. Or should I start a "false friendship" talked about in Relationship Rewind? My therapist says I should talk to her and tell her that I want to work things out but not sure if I should do that. Please help me out!
    • Kevin
      Hey Robert, If you satisfy the checklist, then you can end no contact and begin the "false friendship" stage. I'll not recommend being clear about your intentions just now. You should build up a little bit of attraction before telling her that you want to work things out.
      • Robert
        Thanks Kevin. I feel like I have a plan now where as before I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I think I'm going to wait a week or two to begin that stage to regain myself a little bit. After I posted the comment she posted on Facebook that she got a gym membership. I know you say in your emails not to let what she posts get to me and I'm trying not to but this one kind of is. I can't help to think she might be moving on and you might disagree. Anyway do you believe that is a good plan?
      • Robert
        Hi, one more question, on Relationship Rewind it says to wait for her to reach out to me and suggest a friendship and that offering a friendship without her suggestion will push her away. So what should I do? Wait for her? Or initiate on my own? I'm kind of confused now.
        • Kevin
          Don't suggest friendship when you reach out to her. Just start talking casually. If the topic of your relationship with her comes up, then tell her that you just want to be friends.
          • Robert
            Robert
            Thank you for the advice.
          • Robert
            Robert
            Hi Kevin I'm needing advice once again. I feel like I messed up. Instead of going the route I mentioned above. I decided to write her a letter going off the sample letter on your email. Today she received it. She texted me saying “just wanted to let you know that I got your letter” and I wasn’t sure what to say and I just said “ok then”. In the letter I finished up by saying that we needed space right now as in the sample letter. Now she unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram. She unfriended every one in my family and even her sister unfriended me. To be honest it kind of bums me out. The weird thing is I had spoken with her the day before for some paperwork to do with our car. When I called her she answered by saying "Oh you're alive!" I asked her what she meant and she was saying that I haven’t called her and that it has been a month that we have hung out. We hung up and she called me back afterwards and said she couldn't do this that I wouldn't answer her texts and phone calls but she answers my calls. I once again told her she is the one who wanted space. Then she texted me saying "you messed me up I was feeling fine but now I feel like crap". I apologized for calling her. Now I feel bad for sending the letter. Did I send the letter too soon? What does her unfriending me mean? Kevin can you help me out on what to do next?
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            Hey Robert, She probably again had emotions stirred up inside of her which made her unfriend you. Continue no contact for a couple of weeks. Send her a text after that.
          • Robert
            Robert
            Hi Kevin I could not have messed up even more. Acting on advice given to me by my coworker I decided to meet up with her and tell her how I was feeling. I thought she was on the “missing you badly” stage and thought her feelings had changed but I was sadly mistaken. Our talk got me no where or probably even worse than where I was. I talked to her about how I was feeling frustrated and confused about the space she wanted and that I thought we would be back together by now and other stuff. She told me that she does miss me but as her best friend but not her boyfriend. She also said that she would be lying if she told me that there was a chance of us getting back together. Ouch!! She also said that she feels lonely and she would want to get back together cause of that but it would be unfair to me. She also told me that the letter really messed her up and showed her that I was moving on and ugh I could not have messed up even more by telling her that I copied it from somewhere! I know you'll be disappointed with me on that. People tell me that she probably wanted to get back together and the letter made her feel like I was moving on. The whole thing was a disaster. I feel like I messed up and I should have followed no contact longer. So if you’re still reading this messed up situation I need advice. Is there really no chance of getting back together? Can I even recover from such a disaster? Where do I go from here? I almost feel like I’m back to square one, a mess and like at first.
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            Robert, I can't really say whether you still have a chance. But I think the best course of action is to do no contact. She still misses you and still has emotions for you. So that's a good thing. But now she knows you are trying to get her back and you might try to play games to get her back. So anything you do now ill be less effective simply because she will always be a little skeptical of your actions. The best course of action will be to do no contact. And actually start moving on. Contact her again after 2 months. And this time, don't be needy and don't tell her you want to get back together.
          • Robert
            Robert
            Hi Kevin, I had a somewhat change of luck with my situation recently and I could use some advice. I followed your advice of no contact up to last week where I sent my ex girlfriend a letter similar to the one on relationship rewind. When she received it she texted saying "wow that letter really rocked me hard" and didn't text back after a while. A few hours later she started to text me talking to me about how she started a new job. On Friday night she called me if I wanted to have dinner I said yes. After dinner we talked for a bit. This time around she gave me somewhat hopeful response. Although it was kind of mixed as well. The conversation was mainly about how right now she wants to be friends. She also once again said she wasn't sure if we are getting back together. Then she said she does believe that our relationship deserves a second chance but doesn't want to jump into a relationship. I get that she can't just say let's get back together, I have to build some attraction. She also said that she wants to be friends right now cause we both have changed and that she doesn't know if we will like each other. I feel like she is wanting to get back together but there is something holding her back. Also I definitely think she has emotional conflicts with other issues she has. But what gives me hope is that I could do the false friendship and hopefully leads to a relationship. But I'm also afraid of messing it up or her saying that being friends isn't working out. I haven't contacted her since we talked cause I'm not sure what to say to her. Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? Also I have been reading relationship rewind and it says that the first time you hang out should be in a group of friends. But in your email for the first time seeing each other doesn't say that. So would it be ok to hang out with alone? What should I avoid from possibly messing this up? Any advice on how to move this forward?
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            First of all, relax and don't put too much pressure on yourself to do the "right" thing. As long as you don't be needy and take things slowly, you should be OK. You should continue texting her for a while and then meet her. Group settings are great with establishing false friendship. But it's OK even if you are meeting her alone. Just make sure that when you meet her you don't act needy and don't make it obvious you want to get back together.
  • Diana
    Hey. I'm on no contact stage now. It seems work. My ex started to reach me back by call me and message me. But like you said, DON'T REPLY ANY OF THEM, so yeah i ignored all the phone calls and messages. But i'm afraid he'll think that i hate him and he start to move on. I noticed that he deleted all my pictures on his instagram, and my friend who also his friend told me that, he close to another girl and it seems like he has relationship with that girl, which actually makes me a little bit frustrated. Is that mean he has remove me from his life?
    • Kevin
      Next time he contacts you, just tell him you need some space and time right now and you don't want to stay in touch with him for some time.
  • Grant
    Ok.. so i dont think my first comment passed the test. Here goes... 35 years old.. first relationship i had in 15 years was a month long and ended last week. She text to break it off citing slight jealousy and overall too intense. She felt i was trying too hard to be in a relationship with her when she just wanted to date. I did nice things for her and we never had a bad time, no fights or disagreements. I havent contacted her... hoping to last til Oct 10 aka canadian thanksgiving weekend giving me an IN to contact her. She went out with a "friend" the day before she dumped me to celebrate him settling with his ex wife. Now i see facebook posts of him bringing her coffee and a football shirt at work. Should i be worried... do i even have a chance with only having dated for a month eventhough we saw eachother almost every other day? Tips, Tactics? my instinct is killing me right now... :(
    • Kevin
      Hey Grant, You have a chance but it's pretty slim. Although, there's a good chance that you were really trying to hard since it was your first relationship after a long time. Contact her after no contact is over and try to take things slow and just enjoy yourself. If it doesn't work, or if she is still not interested, just forget about her and try to find someone else.
      • Grant
        One further question. Before she ended things i had an artist friend begin drawing a portrait of her kids and the dog from a picture i found. Heres the dilema... its finished... its paid for and now i have it. What should i do with it? Some people have told me to trash it but its so nice i can't bring myself to do it. I'm thinking of hanging onto it for a bit just incase there is some sort of second chance after the no contact period where i might be able to give it to her. If at some point i realize theres zero hope for anything i would consider just mailing it to her with a simple letter... What do you think i should do?
        • Kevin
          I agree with you.
          • Grant
            Grant
            after 10 days of no contact i've just been deleted from her facebook.... Im in complete panic now... help!!!! :'( Is all hope lost????
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            No Grant. It doesn't mean much. Continue with no contact and follow the plan.
  • mark
    Hi Kevin, I had no NC with my ex for few months then we started emailing each other with idea to be friends and talk only once in a while (she ended it). After 2 years of this, i went to see her and spend week together. All old feeling came back and felt so happy and we had physical relations as well. I sense she is still wanting to not get back together since she likes her life as it is, but after coming home, I miss her all over again and feels like we broke up again. She seems fine though. I'm going to follow the 5 steps in this article and hope one day she wants to try again. I wont go back to pleading and obsessing like i did before...thats what also ruined it for us initially i think. Any thoughts are great...thanks!
    • christina vingoe
      kevin i feel the same thing about my ex. he hurt my heart. we dated for one day and then bam he hurt my heart.
  • james
    kevin I was wondering if you saw my post?
    • Kevin
      Hey James, I can't find your post. You can ask questions and get feedback faster on the message boards.
  • andrew
    I subscribed there but not getting confirmation email
    • Kevin
      Please check your spam folder.
  • Tiffany
    I wrote back in April asking about my ex. His dad had cancer and he said with that, his school and his work, he just needed to be alone. Kevin told me to give him at least two months before trying to contact him. At the end of June, his dad got really sick and passed away. I tried to text him to see if he was okay, but he had blocked me on his phone within the first week of the breakup. I went to the funeral, but didn't really talk to him. I mingled with the family and sat as far away from them during the funeral. Since then I texted him twice, the last time being the end of August, where I asked him if we could be texting friends. I woke up the other morning to a text from him asking "why should we be texting?" I texted later and told him I wasn't going to give him a reason because you shouldn't need a reason to text someone. Then later texted and told him I want to be his friend but can't make him want to be mine. He told me he was in class. Yesterday I texted and told him I didn't know the right time to text anymore so just to write me back whenever and asked how his dogs were. I've gotten nothing. I've not texted him today but I'm so confused. 1) can the 5 step plan work for us? 2) why would he break his 5 1/2 month silence? 3) why would it seem like he started it right back up again? 4) how much time should I give before I tried to text him again? He's switched jobs and schools, so if what he told me was the truth, could be be reaching out?
    • Kevin
      Hey Tiffany, I think you should wait 1-2 weeks before texting him again. You should not contact him directly asking him to be friends. You should take things slowly. Use a text that is more subtle as mentioned above. If he is cold and doesn't text you, you should wait at least one month before texting him again. But this time, keep things light and don't approach him directly.
  • Rober
    Hi Kevin, seems like I noticed a pattern with my email subscription. Last Thursday I didn't receive an email and today (Thursday) I also didn't receive one. Just wanted to bring it to your attention.
    • Kevin
      Hey Robert, There is an occasional gap in the email series. You didn't miss anything.
  • Elocin
    6 years relationship. Past year, boyfriend started a relationship with girl in another country, so he visits when he can (every 4-5 months) and they video every day and text. During that year, he was still with me, same country, we were not living together. Few months ago, we ended it mutually, saying he had to work on some issues (communication, guilt and savior pattern) and I was having health issues. But the days after the breakup, he kept texting me nice messages, and every week we would see each other and sometimes be intimate. We do see each other at our religious group. He has been always keeping the door open (dont want to be in relationship ''for now'', still have love for you but dont want relationship, you are an amazing person, ...) His text messages are : sending you lots of love, kisses, big hugs, good morning cuddles under the covers... In 3 weeks, we will attend an event wher both of us will be present. So I have started the NC (although this complicates things since he is also my teacher). We had both said that at that event, we would evaluate what we want to do, remain friends or more or what. We also agreed that that date was a bit early for our mutual changes but it was a easily date to set because of the event. I am so confused from his messages, and him being in another relationship (long distance). He is amazing when in person with me, and has always been there, even came to hospital with me and waited for 12 hours, talked many times on the phone about us, about school too. I dont want to feel victim here, I want to choose and feel in control of something. I don't have many friends, he is my closest friend so the NC is very hard (specially because there is also a major situation with school - I can't contact him about it - NC) Your clarity would be appreciated.
    • Kevin
      Hey Elocin, The only way to be in control is to do NC. It'll be hard. But you'll have to put yourself out there and start making new friends, and doing new things. You can also become a member of the message boards. We have a great community here.
      • elocin
        Thank you very much. Congrats for the site.
      • Elocin
        Hi Kevin, perplexed of your answer. Are you saying nothing will become of this relationship and I should move on, or that the NC may get us romantically? I feel he is sending mixed messages, loves me, but something is keeping him from committing. Thank you again so very much, to help us silly emotional over-thinking ladies!
        • Kevin
          Hey Elocin, When you start no contact, you are already starting to move on. The beauty of no contact is that it helps you in both moving and getting back together. During no contact, you should decide whether or not YOU want to get back with him (as described in the article). This is the only way to take control of your life and not depend on someone else for your emotional and mental well being. You should reach a point where you should be OK with the possibility of not getting him back. If at the end of no contact, you do want him back, then you should contact him and see how things go. If it doesn't work, you should move on.
  • Megan
    Hi everyone ! my bf just broke up with me since 5days ago. That was heart broke for me and i beg him to stay. I put down my pride and ask for another chance for both of us but he insist NO. It's been two years and its coming to our anniversary. He said that he still want to remain friend because he don't want to lose me and be stranger again. Its hard for me at first because how can i still love he but we can only be friend? after few days i text-ed him last night and tell him i miss us but i know that we can't go back like how we used to be anymore. And i said that that will be the last time Im telling him this. I think i should start the NO CONTACT move from now :) thanks for the article its help !
  • James
    Kevin, so me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up 7 days ago and I have been in no contact ever since my question is when we broke up she said she still wanted to date me to try and rekindle our relationship then that day she blocked me off all social media? why would she say this we lived together for a majority of the two years and I moved out her family loves me and she has a son who is now 5 who I've grown very close too since I've been in his life I have to come to realize that I might truly never get her back but I am in love with her and I feel she is worth fighting for what drove us apart was my neediness and insecurity towards the last 6 months of our relationship when we were first together I was in much better shape and I much more confident guy since then I have been working out everyday and hanging out with friends etc do you think I have a chance kevin?
    • Kevin
      Yes, you do have chance. Follow the plan. If she is worth fighting for, you should fight for her.
  • Nixon
    Bestever , Thank you Kevin .
  • KC_0617
    Kevin, I believe limited contact is good for we both. He told me that he met someone new but still single. Before this he asked me if I have meet anyone new. Our conversation is just short and he would not reply after a day of chit chatting. It’s just keep me wondering and worry if he would go for the new one sooner. Any advice could help?
  • Biswajit Dhir Deo
    Kevin, Bro u saved me u really saved me. I turned 31 on Sep 2. I am from India and I was in a serious relationship with an American girl. We met in a gaming site in 2012 and were completely in love with each other for last 2 and half years. She started the relationship with a big lie, about her age, she kissed a guy in USA while we were together but I overlooked everything cuz I was in deep mad love with her. We were to meet for the first time this December I was so so happy for it. 5 months back she started acting weird. She would give me very less time on cam, won't reply my messages properly and would basically tell me she is busy. But since I loved her like crazy I kept being in love with her. But on Sep 2 when she cam with me after 2 months to wish me on my birthday I could see she has changed. She didn't have the joy, the happiness on her beautiful face which she used to have in the past while talking with me. After few days she wrote me this- jeet you have been a perfect bf to me but idk why but I don't feel your need in my life. So, I don't know what to do with us. I could;t believe my eyes when I read that message. Days later she told me she loves me a lot and she is looking forward to meet me in December. Few days later she went back to her crazy self, ignoring my calls, messages. Then I started acting desperate messaging her calling her but she started to be even more aloof of me. The last Sunday on 21-09-2014 I called her phone she was shopping with family and friends I was almost crying telling her I am hurt cuz of her behavior of ignoring me. Rather than comforting me she told me in the most rude voice- I am shopping with friends I am busy and I can't talk much now. She hung up the phone. I cried my whole Sunday. Messaged her I feel I am done with her and I won't message her again. She didn't reply me for next three days. But since I can't live without her I started again messaging her calling her literally begging her to take me back I even messaged her best friends to talk to her to take me back. But she wrote me this yesterday-u have to stop harassing my friends. Last 10 days I could sleep only 3 hours a night, stopped working out, eating was rare and I lost 10 pounds while I saw my ex has opened a new facebook account and posting happy pics of hers. How can she be this cruel? I remained loyal, passionate and loving to her? I forgave her major mistakes and literally was living for her for last 2 and half years. Fortunately after spending 3 days with family I am feeling little better and now after reading your article I feel this. If she can't love me even after getting my obsessive love maybe she doesn't deserve me. My heart still wants her and I would start the no contact thing religiously from now onwards. I would start work out again, would go out and do things like I am happy without her. If she comes back good or else I dont need her to be happy. KEVIN a big thank you for making me feel better. Take Care, Biswajit
    • Simran
      My story is exactly like yours Biswajit. The only difference is that I have waited for this one man for 6 years. He is/was my FIRST love, my first romance, my first passion and my first desire. I wish you will find joy in within yourself. Remember, it is never worth being a doormat for anyone, even for the one you love the most. We are all there for you :) Regards, Simran (Malaysia)
  • Jenny
    Hi Kevin, I did something really stupid, my boyfriend broke up and i tried to give him space but only gave him two days... so i tried to be "romantic" went over his house to talk to him and he yelled at me and called me crazy. so i just left super heart broken and text him im sorry and haven't contact him after that. i wonder if we still have a chance because he called me crazy...HELP
    • Kevin
      Yes, you do.
  • Lovisa
    Hey everyone ! I uploaded a pic to instagram yesterday and my ex liked it..! what should i do now? Snapchat or write to him or something? please help if you feel to :( Here's the story between me and him, i posted this in summer and in early september: Hey guys! i’ve just started a conversation with my ex, we haven’t talked for like 3 months. I still feel kind of insecure of writing to him, but he is in my town so i couldn’t resist starting a conversation.. What should i do now after the conversation? should i let him be for a few days or snapchat him later? I asked him if it’s good between us, he said yes. Down below is my recent updates from everything between me and my ex! i would love some help.. I’m 18 and my exboyfriend is 18, we broke up because of many misunderstandings and fights, insecurity and shit.. we had a distancerelationship, we broke up because i was so insecure when we didn’t see eachother in like 2 weeks, i was so immature. So we broke up for a month ago, but i broke the NC 2 weeks after the NC because he liked a pic i uploaded on instagram.. i told him i wanted a new chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. Even if it was too early for a new relationship with him, i almost got him back again. In the relationship, he always told me that he’d never felt this way before in a relationship, that he thought that we were meant to be, he would love me forever and so on. He has always been honest with me, since the first time we met he told me directly that he’s not that guy who lies, is with many girls and stuff, he said that he wanted to find the perfect girl and just be with her. During our relationship he truly loved me, told me everyday that he had never felt this to a girl before and we were gonna last forever.. but i was a immature and insecure bitch towards him, always started fights, and at first i took him for granted just because i knew he really loved me. Now i really realize what i lost and i couldn’t be more sad! even after a month i’m so hung up on him! i know i have to let go and be friends with him, but i know he’s the one! i have never ever ever been this sad because a break up, it was my fault we broke up and i just want to go back to him, from scratch. I’m not gonna write to him until 9th July, but i’m soooo worried that he’s gonna find a girl or something before i’m taking contact with him again.. He’s that boy who never play games, always honest and straight up. But when he’s done, he’s really done.. doesn’t write to me or nothing. I’m worried that i’ve really lost my chance, because he gave me so much chances and took me back all the time, but he reached his breakingpoint after the last fight with him. But even after the breakup, he told me that he actually wanted to be with me.. but he thought this was the best. He lives 2h away from me, and there’s no chance that i’m meeting him again if we’re not in a relationship, we lasted 6 month before the breakup Do you guys think i have a chance to win him back? We broke up because i didn’t stop fighting with him and i know that’s the only reason why.. but i’m afraid that i fucked everything up when i wrote to him 2 weeks after NC that i wanted another chance What do you guys think? One thing more, we broke up in May, but last we spoke were in Juni. And.. yesterday on a night out, i kinda liked a picture he loaded up on instagram.. what should i do now? let it be, or write to him? and i’m kind of worried right now, he loaded up something on twitter that had to do with loyalty and trust.. but i know i can’t worry about that, i have to move on and before something else happends between us, i have to be his friend at first, which i don’t really want Help wanted! Lovisa :)
  • Lovisa
    My ex since april just liked a picture i uploaded on instagram We're both 18, we had a distance relationship and we broke up because of my insecurities and i were very immature when we didn't have the time to see eachother, i forgot we had distance in the last months with him.. i was very clingy and a real bitch. 2 weeks after we broke up, i told him i realized what i did, i apoligized and asked for another chance, he said that he wanted to think about it. I did wrong, but it's all forgotten now i hope. In the relationship he was very loyal, reminded me everyday about i was his true love, he had never felt this way before and he wanted to build a future with me, like move in after school. We were together in 6 months, I've followed the 5 steps plan and i have been seeing a few other guys since we broke up, but sadly i can't stop thinking about my ex.. The latest talk we had was over facebook in the beginning of september. What should i do now? maybe start a conversation later? he broke his leg in summer, maybe i should ask him how's it going? Please help if you feel you have any advice! Thanks :)
  • RAED
    KEVIN, It has been 5 months since I asked for your help. From that day on, I cannot imagine myself up to this day. I felt lost, inferior and unworthy. Just because of one person who had dumped me in the most stoneheartedly possible way she knows. Though it affected me so much that I wasn't able to function as a human being (yes, I felt like a robot) for about 4 months and had taken for granted most of the things I must be doing, I am thankful that I finally did it! I'm so glad she didn't take me back no matter how much I have begged her. Because if she did take me back, then I might be just a doormat all my life I will be with her. If she had taken me back, maybe I am still not happy until now. So I am somehow thankful to her. Because of how she broke up with me, I was able to see the real her. I was able to see how she treated someone who had always been with her that she just dumped because finally she was already on her dream life that she no longer needs me. And with your help, I stopped feeling guilty for her attitude towards me, because it defines her and not me. I am a lot stronger and wiser now! I prayed to the Lord that may this heartbreak soften and humble me instead of making my heart hard rock, so that I might never take anyone for granted. I have no plans yet of being a relationship not because I lost faith in love but because I have never experienced before how happy it is to be single! I wouldn't want to bind myself to someone who just uses me. And there will be no getting back together. I've never been this happy! I wasn't able to get her back like the initial plan we had but I was able to gain something greater: FRIENDS - Rihanna, A.Z., Dara, Daniel, Edward, Steve, Sunshinegirl, David, Joe (I hope I'm not forgetting anyone) Thank you so much OLDIES and KEVIN! I wouldn't have made it without you! *fist bomb to all* :D I might be the underdog in the beginning but now I emerged as a victor :D
    • Kevin
      Hey RAED, It's so nice to hear from you. I am glad this website helped you in your journey and I am proud of how far you've come. The oldies have been little quiet lately. I guess most of them are busy with their lives. Hopefully, they'll check in soon. All the best.
  • jake
    I've got nothing but respect for you man . Keep it up , it's gonna be hard but you need to follow the program . Also , don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter ! Good luck
    • jake
      Previous message was intended for Biswajit .
  • Shivaji
    Hi kevin I left comment yesterday but its not there I think u deleted it
    • Kevin
      Hey Shivaji, I don’t normally approve comments asking questions. If you have questions regarding berakup, please post it in the message boards.
  • Megan
    Hi Kevin, Could I get feed back on my situation? I have posted it here twice and on the board? Sorry just feeling desperate ATM! thanks Meg
    • Kevin
      Hey Megan, I agree with the replies you got on your post here. Continue NC and relax. You have hope.
      • Megan
        Thanks Kevin, I just hope it's not already to far gone. How do you feel about my issues posted on the no contact forum? I told him if give him space, do you think going to the BBQ will not be respecting that?
        • Kevin
          Hey Megan, Your decision of going to the party should not be based on what he will think of you. It should be based on whether or not it'll make you feel good. Don't decide to go there (or not) just to prove him something. Ask yourself if it'll make you feel good about yourself. Will seeing your ex make you uncomfortable? Will you be able to enjoy yourself if you see your ex there? Will you be able to handle your emotions? If you think you are ready, go for it. It doesn't matter how he will react to you going because you are going to the party for yourself and not for him.
  • Becca
    Me and my ex broke up only 5 days ago. It was so out of the blue we were fine last Wednesday morning then from Wednesday night onwards he just started ignoring me. On Friday he text me and said he promised he would see me Sunday but then he ignored me again so I texted is mum to collect my things from his house. His mum told me he had cheated on me again on both nights he ignored me. He had previously cheated on me with my best friend and I took him back but now I have just found out they are actually together now. He says he loves her. We have been together 4 years. Is there any hope for me?
    • Kevin
      Hey Becca, You do have a chance but you should do NC for at least 2 months and think things through before trying to get him back.
      • Becca
        Hi Kevin I had been doing NC for a couple of days. He text me saying "I hope your doing ok" what does this mean? Does it mean he misses me? I just want him back this is so painful :'(
        • Kevin
          It doesn't mean anything. Don't overthink it. Continue no contact.
  • Tia
    My ex an I have been together for 9 months and we been off and on for the last two months. He ended breaking up with me 2 weeks ago, 3 days after his birthday. The breakup was over an argument he was petty and I was petty right back by throwing some personal things around his room and destroying his gifts from me on his birthday. He said he needs a long break from me and space. He just turned 32 and I'm 21. A lot of people say that's our age difference but I don't think so. I truly love him and still want to work it out. We have never had trust issues until these last couple of weeks. We haven't talk for a week and I don't know what to do.
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan Tia.
  • Maria
    Hi, I will follow your progam to the dot... But I would like your opinion... My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have a daughter of 1,5 years. We have had quite some fights, and he actually can get physical and I get pretty mean in words. Every time we have the mildest argument, he takes the bus to his mum who lives 2 hours away, and stays there. He don't answer his phone, he text me things like "whore" etc, he is very mean when we at last talk, but he always comes back in the end, normally he is back within 1-2 days. I have been wondering for some time if he has some sort of empathy distortion, so I am not certain this method will work on him? He always has come back, but he always says that I have manipulated him to come back. Well, Yesterday we had a fight again. He got into his usual routine and left the building; went to his mum. This time is rather different from the rest though. He didnt text any mean stuff to me while travelling, only "I changed the pick up time at childcare to 15.00", and then silence. He has blocked my phonenumber. He has cut us off completely. Normally his mum would call and say he needs some time to cool off, but there has been nothing but silence. And I am left with hope, questions, thoughts and our daughter who wonders where dad is. I'm the one that have to figure this whole thing out and make things work. Anyway, I will really follow your instructions and hope that things will be fine. But this time Everything feel so different from the rest of the times that he has "quit". How do I have no contact, with someone who blocks me? :( He won't notice that I wont try to reach him. I am not sure how to proceed to be honest...
    • Kevin
      You will not be doing no contact for him to notice. You will be doing it for yourself. Him blocking will even make it easier for you to concentrate on yourself.
      • Simran
        But doesn't blocking means that he does NOT WANT TO HEAR from you anymore? The man I love did that too. :(
        • Kevin
          Hey Simran, In my opinion, he is going to keep you as a second option if you let him keep you that way. My advice is to follow the plan and learn to be happy without him. Start moving on with your life and when he realizes he is going to lose you forever, he will probably want you back. And most people block someone simply because they were angry or you were harassing them constantly. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to hear from you anymore. And in my experience, most exes unblock their ex after a while. Even if he doesn't, you can email him the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan after 2-3 months of no contact.
  • Bernard
    My girlfriend broke up with me just a couple of days ago. She said that she felt insecure for our future and somehow she decided to break up with me. In facts, we been lovely together for about 172 days. I admit that sometimes been really selfish to her, neglecting her feelings and eventually she felt really despair to me. Honestly telling, I love her very very much! I'd learned how to cherish my love ones. This couple of days I'd been really regret and I promise myself in hearts that i will not letting her felt that way again. I hope u guys can really help me out and give me some ideas whether to get back my love ones.
  • sarah
    I have a question, my ex and I broke up about 3 months and we haven't contact each other at all, so all your steps; I followed, since you said that he's missing me during the no contact...If we have NO contact and NO communication, how are we gonna find each other again? Destiny? Faith? What...? He broke up with me so I think he have to come to me but how is that gonna happen
    • Kevin
      You are going to contact him after one month of no contact.
  • amy
    Hi Kevin, I have been broken up with my boyfriend for a month, he has narcissist ways, but sometimes he is okay. I have a daughter, he though I was cheating on him with a couple of my friends that always called or texted me. I felt he did not want me there because he was sick of my daughter and me. He has two wild kids that came over part time that I did everything for. I got another job he thought I wasn't going to have enough to help out as much. Our rent was close to 3400, and I went to his house and he has a 25 year old roomate. She is not cute, she is a bar tender, someone that he would be embarrassed about. I am 36 and he is 47. He told my family horrible lies about me called every phone number on my phone log. I went to see him, he was with me, but he said this is just hurting both of us. He said what am I going to do with a 25 year old..but it was weird how much he smiled. I wrote him a love letter, he wrote his version and emailed it to me. He clocked my number. I told him last night God let this happen. I still want him in my life, I told him that I love him. I tried to do no contact for a month. He lost so much weight he looks like a skeleton, he said look what you did to me..I am confused. He said that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that I don't want a wrinkled up guy like him..someone help..I was kinda desperate, but not really, he said your not saying anything that is making me change my mind. I have left him alone, I'm trying not to email or go see him at his house. I told him before it got bad that I would make it up to him everyday of my life. He told me now, I wouldn't of done what I did if I loved him, all I ever talked about with my friend is how I feel he doesn't like me as much. He would be with me when his kids were gone, but I felt he was pushing me away.. so what to do? If I could salvage everything would it be a miracle?Please someone out there.. I have never wrote on the internet before..
  • Raul
    My wife left on August 13th. And a few weeks later she came back amd left the next day again. Then she came back on September 21st and we connected and we got together again. But 3 days in she told me was with another man and slept with him. Then she told me she wasn't happy and that he made her happy. Then she left to be with him. Is there anything I can do at this point?
    • Kevin
      Hey Raul, I think you should move on. If she comes back again, don't accept her and agree to be with her. Let her prove that she is serious this time.
  • Techiyew
    learning to let a peson go is part of growing up, accepting that other people might not plan their future by your side is a maturity trait, why dont you help people get over their pain and grow as a person instead of helping them on this?
    • Kevin
      Hey, Actually, that is one of the main things I talk about on this website. To accept the breakup and learn to be happy without your ex. You can see it in Step 3.
  • Simran
    I read through your article. Its really inspiring and motivating. I have faith in your tips. My question is that, my boyfriend is very capricious. I do not understand what he really feels or thinks about me. There are times when he is planing to make me his wife and have babies and wishes that they look just like me BUT the VERY NEXT MOMENT, he ditches me like trash. I love him to bits. I forgave him for all his flaws and accepted all his imperfections because no one is perfect, However, I am torn apart with his behaviour. Is he just taking me as a spare tyre? A second option? I just want to know his true feelings for me. I am okay if he is not in love with me as I know that it is his right to fall in love with whoever he wants. I just need an answer. How do I approach a man to open up with his deepest emotions Kevin? I waited 6 years for this man. Help me please. Thank you so much.
  • Meg
    Hey Kevin So I've been following your emails religiously since my ex broke up with me 3 months ago. My situation is slightly awkward although I'm sure you will have come across it before, I just need some advice on how to proceed. My ex and I are family friends from way back. In fact the families along with everyone else was shocked when he ended it. We've done no contact for about 3 month but we still see each other almost weekly because of our families. Unfortunately not a way to avoid it, although we have both tried hard. I know it's hard for him when he sees me, and I'm nowhere near over him. But he's also very adamant that he's made the right decision because of the arguments we've been having. But here's the thing - I've learn a lot through your emails and relationship rewind. Learnt where I went wrong - him too, but I focussed on my errors. I want him to know, but I'm worried he's not in a place to acknowledge accept or understand. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I know he loved me...maybe he still does, but the arguments rightly so got on top of him. Thanks Meg
  • Emma
    Hey, my ex and I want to get back together, but I don't think my parents will let us. When he broke up with me, I made him seem like more of a jerk than he really is. He apologized and it made total sense to me but I doubt it will to my parents. What should I do?
  • Hye-in Cho
    Hello Kevin, I agreed everything yo have said on your website. However, my situation is much different just regular broke up. I have dealt with major depression for 3 years, and I have attempted 3 suicides last month, and that was one of the great reason I have broke up with him after dating 2 years and a half. I know I already hurt him so much by tried to harm myself, but I didn't wanted to hurt him anymore than that. I let him know why I broke up with him, and thankfully he understood the reason why. A little after 30 days not contacting and seeing him, we finally got to see each other today. My depression is pretty much gone now, and I am a much better person, even a whole new different person! When we got to talk, he said he doesn't see us ever going back together in the future. But I know he still really cares about me, and I care about him too. I let him know I am not going to force to date him back, cuz I respect him, and it was nice to see his face. That was the end of our conversation. What would you do or what advise could you give me in this situation?
    • Kevin
      My advice is that you do no contact for another 2-3 weeks. And then start texting him and ask him out again. This time, hang out as friends and have a nice time and don't talk about getting back together. Just enjoy yourself and let it be his idea to get back together. And congrats on overcoming your depression. :)
  • Helen
    Hello Kevin and everyone else :), (Sorry if there are any mistakes, English isn't my native language) First of all to Kevin: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Your blog but also your emails were the only thing that prevented me from loosing (completely) my mind. My boyfriend of 4 years decided to end up things about a month ago, it was very difficult and painful for the both of us. I went trough all the stages possible and I'm afraid I made a fool of myself although he is used to and very patient with my nevrosis :p. We are best friends and our relationship used to be very very strong (its our first relationship as a matter of a fact), so it was the most devastating time when he told me he needed space to sort out his feelings and himself, etc. He is going trough some kind of life crisis having started his first job and having to deal with growing up and responsabilities (we're both 24). He is cutting himself from his familly and long time friends as well. I went to see him to talk about the break up and say goodbye, it was very touching, but I noticed that the more dettached I acted the more concerned he seemed, trying to reasure me and everything. He admitted that he is afraid of loosing me forever but that he also wants me to be happy and can't be selfish enough to call this a break and have me waiting without knowing. I went into no contact for 2 weeks after that meeting but then something silly happened and I did the mistake of seeing him again for a few hours (making a fool of myself imo as I cried at some point of the conversation). It was like he was trying to protect himself and I, by being colder this time but he cried again at some point (he is really not the type of personn that cries easily) after we had some fun time talking to each other about life like we always do. He told me that more than anything he needed me to be ok and to respect his need for time to himself for now, that his feelings were too confused, that he has love but that what he felt before had decay. I read all your emails and article and I know what went wrong, I still believe like you that attraction can be rebuilt, when he is ready for it, eventhough I also know I have to sort of move on in the meantime. Anyway I'm starting over again the NC, my question is can it still work? I'm very worried that because I messed it up once its too late? 2 month enough? 3 month too much? Thank you so very much for your help and support :)
  • crescendoanu
    hey! can anybody please tell me, why aren't my post are shown here, when I'm trying to post something about my problem?? I really need help.. please :(
    • Kevin
      Hey, Please post your question in the message boards. I don't usually approve relationship questions over here anymore.
  • kall
    Hi kevin heres my situation I need help instantly, my ex broke up with me 3 days ago because I made to many mistakes drunken texts to other women and mistakes during the relationship I know I want and need her back ive already made quite a few mistakes before reading this she says she moved on but I begged for her back saying I could change just wondering what I could do from now onwards? Ill do whatever it takes and I know you cant promise me anything but its worth a risk afterall atm she just says no more chances ive moved on and so should you I think shes moved on to try and protect herself so it doesnt hurt as much and she tells me to f**k off everytime I try and show her ive changed I need help immediately thanks kevin.
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan kall.
  • Anonymous
    Hello Kevin, My gf broke up with me 3 weeks ago and has been ignoring me constantly. We saw each other on a friend's party on friday and she smiled but we didn't speak. She did send me 2 texts on whatsapp but I decided it was best to not respond. This Friday would have been our 1 year anniversary. So I break NC to send a tiny message of any sort or not?
    • Kevin
      No. You shouldn't contact her on your anniversary.
  • ray13
    Hi Kevin, I'm so confused?? My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago after talking for a year and dating for a year. He said that he loved me but wasn't "in love "with me. I don't believe him because I know that he has been hurt before and is afraid to let his guard down. He tells me all the time that I'm the one and all his friends love me. Now all of the sudden he wants to take a break and see if this is what he really wants? and all I want to is talk about the problems and wrong through them? What should I do? Do I not talk to him for 30 days. Was I living a lie? I do believe in my heart of hearts that he does really love me. Is there Hope???
    • Kevin
      There is hope. Follow the 5 step plan. If he still loves you, this plan will work.
      • ray13
        Kevin, What is the difference between loving someone and being "in love"? And even though my boyfriend told me that we need a break, do you think he would say that is we really didn't stand a chance? Was that is way of letting me down easy? I'm having a really hard time with the NC rule, even though we haven't talked i'm still so depressed and all I want to do is cry. I go out with friends all the time and i'm okay until I get home. I can't even bring myself to look at another man. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do? I have been like this for 3 weeks and the pain just keeps getting worse.. PLEASE HELP
        • Kevin
          Hey Ray, It means different thing to different people. In most cases, when someone is unsure of their feelings, they say this. I think that was the case with your ex. I can't be sure (since I can't read his mind) so don't just take my word for it. I understand how you are feeling and I can assure it gets better with time. I'll recommend that you start keeping yourself busy at home as well. There are tons of things you can do. Read books on self-improvement. Practice a skill or a hobby that you like. Meditate. Slowly you should start imagining a future without him in your life. Once you reach that point, you will be feeling much better. I will also recommend you don't end no contact even after 30 days if you still feel miserable and you don't satisfy the checklist in Step 4 above.
  • maha
    Hey Kevin .. I've already posted a comment before.. but didn't find it .. so .. here it's again :-D I've been with my boyfriend for more than 3 years .. We've been on and off for a year now .. couple of days ago I told him I couldn't take it any more .. because he's always busy with he's friends.. and we ended up yelling at each other .. and ending our relationship for the 10th time maybe in a year .. he blocked me on all the social media , im and phone .. But .. i still love him .. and he told me a weeks ago that he loves me too .. but he can't take the idea of us getting back together any more .. cuz I'm putting too much pressure on him and we had oue chances.. I've already started the NC role .. after apologising for him for all the yelling.. but I don't know if it's the best way for my situation .. i want him to re-appreciate me .. and the NC roll worked for us before .. but I'm sick of using it each time we have a fight .. plus, we keep breaking up for the same reasons everytime because he refuse to change !! What do you think?
    • Kevin
      I think you should think things through this time and make sure that if you get back together, it's because you are sure you will have a great relationship together. Work on your communication skills meanwhile and before getting back together, be very specific about what you expect from the relationship and if he is not willing to provide it be ready to walk away.
      • Mema
        When we got back last time .. it was 2 months oh honeymoon .. then at first fight .. everything went wrong again .. I'm trying to get over my jeolsy issue .. and actually .. I'm starting to see it a stupid thing .. but it's too late now .. i don't want to lose him .. it's been amazing 3 years .. and I'm afraid that i already have :(.. He moved back to his town 4 months ago .. and I'm doing the NC for almost 2 weeks .. but a mutual friend told that he'll be in town next week .. should i contact him ? :(
        • Kevin
          Don't contact him. If he contacts you, reply. But don't meet him yet. Tell him you need some space and time and like I said before, do no contact for a while.
          • Mema
            Mema
            Ok .. I'll continue the NC .. but do you think i gave a chance with him? I've posted the details in a comment but i didn't find it .. do i really have hope after all the issues we had?
  • krista27
    Hi Kevin, I posted a comment on one of your blogs but I guess it didn't go through so I'm gonna tell you about my situation. My ex boyfriend broke up with me over a week ago after being with him for 16 months. Im 23 and he’s 26. He said he has thought it through and wants to be friends. I am so heartbroken that it has been so difficult for me to do school work and everything else. He’s someone I truly love and I thought we had something special. He was someone who I thought I was going to marry someday. He told me he loved me and would never leave me, well I guess I got fooled on that one. We did talk about our future about getting married and what not and so I need help in showing him what he’s missing and see how lucky of a wonderful woman he had in his life. So I need help in getting him back permanently. To also add that he told me that he can’t imagine his life without me and it would be weird if I wasn’t in his life anymore so I don’t know if that means something or not. Thanks Kevin.
    • Kevin
      Follow the advice in the article Krista.
  • Adam
    first of all you are an angel Kevin , your emails id changed me in a very good way i start to understand things i never thoughts i will be able to understand it, I really wish to meet you :) . yes i will not try to contact her but she keep block and unblock ,last time she unlooked me i sent her farewell email in good way she didn’t replay at all i think i should not sent it ,as she keep my brother in her FB AND SHE NEVER block him , let see wht will happen in her birthday next week , BEST REGARDS, ADAM
    • Kevin
      Thank you Adam. Good Luck. :)
      • Adam
        hi Kevin, today is her birthday should i sent her message or a call , since im sure she is expecting me to do or contact her family ? please advice ..
        • Kevin
          Just send a text. Keep it short.
          • Adam
            Adam
            OUR ANGEL , good day to you!! I sent a short message but from other number no sign from her at all , but in her birthday in the morning she an block my FB and my wahtsapp for few mints ,Kevin i dont know what to do she never be so hard and never change her mind and i have a felling she is still in her city she did not move as she tried to tell me ,its so hard felling i really need an advice i can accept she pass me but not this way .. please
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            Hey Adam, You have to stop obsessing over her so much. You should not be checking your facebook and whatsapp so much that you know when she is unblocking you. You should be going out and having fun with your life. Try to remove her from your contact list so you are not constantly checking on her. Do no contact for a month or two and try checking again after that.
  • Blanca
    Hello Kevin, Thanks so much for your website and replying to every email. I am a blogger myself and I know it's really tough work. You've completely amazed me. Anyway, since you get so many comments I am not going to make this longer. On to the point: I have done EVERYTHING wrong (as you could have guessed) since he broke up with me last Tuesday (been 9 days now). I've discussed the relationship and told him I wanted him back, are in contact with him all the time, etc. We lived together. He moved out within two days. Rent was expiring and we both needed to move, so I am moving out of here as well. However I didnt have a car. He owns two and I just used one of them. Now I am stuck in the house (cant walk from here anywhere) unless he lends me his car, who is using for the move (the other one he cant use for moving stuff). So I need to text him and ask him about his plans to know when I can use it. Also, he still comes sometimes to the house to pack more stuff and I am here (I work from home) and see him. My birthday was yesterday and we went out for dinner together (ended up doing what we shouldnt). And on top of that we have a birthday party on Saturday where we both need to go. Not only it'll be super rude not to do it but also I prefer to hang out with friends than be on my own in the house. Reading this I can see the best is No contact. Plus it makes total sense since the reason he broke up with me probably had to do with that (we worked at home both, saw each other 24 h/day and basically I have no life out of him or my work, which again, is at home). The problem is that I am going to see him on Saturday, I will need the car this week for moving stuff, I will need his help to move a couple of pieces of furniture that I can't move myself, etc. Shall I just wait to start No contact when I am completely moved? Once in my new apartment I wont need the car (therefore I wont need to contact him to ask him if I could use his) or him and then I can do no-contact for a month. Thanks so much
    • Kevin
      Hey Blanca, I think you should keep limited contact till then and start no contact once you are on your own. Limited contact means only talking to him about things that are necessary and keeping it short and to the point. Don't be rude, but don't open up to him and show him how much you still love him. All the best.
      • Blanca
        Thanks SO much! xo, B.
  • ilias
    hallo.my name is ilias.i am a doctor in bulgaria.i had a relationship for one year and 8 months.she has a son from his ex-husband but i was for that kid like dad.i love them so much and i make a big mistake.the mistake was that-we started a reconstruction at her grandfather apartament with the help of her parents.but when she wants to buy something i can not refuse.the mistake was that i stole from the summary that her parents gives 500 euro to bought the thinks that she wants for the apartment.i apologise and sorry at her parents and to her but she does not want me back form yesterday.before yesterday she said that she will give me a change but i have to earn it and to proof myself.but from yesterday she says that she does not love me.but untill two days she said to me and to our friend that she loves me and cry.what can i do to earn her back?thank you
    • ilias
      i want to thank you kevin if you help me.thank u.ilias
    • Kevin
      Hey Ilias, Do no contact for a while. If she calls you, tell her you need some time to deal with the breakup and you will contact her after some time. Follow the plan. You have a pretty good chance of getting her back. All the best.
      • Ilias Schinas
        She wrote me and she said that i am a lier and thief and everything between us is over for ever.what can i do?
        • Kevin
          Don't reply. Do no contact and follow the plan.
  • JM
    Hi Kevin, My ex and I have been together for two and half years. Nothing was wrong with the relationship. I was happy and he was too. When we started dating after a year i introduce him to my family, he also introduce me to his aunt, cousins and friends. All this people immediately like me and the person i am. All that was good. We get along great and care about each other so much. The last time we were together was mid August when we went out with friends. We were happy and i spent the night with him. There was no complaint of any kind. The only thing that he has complain about would be that i don't listen to him or i am immature. I admit that i have a stubborn bone in me, but i was changing because i understand what he was saying. With every thing said two weeks after we went out in mid August, in September he decided to tell me he needed space. I asked him do you want to break up completely or is there another interest, he said no. I knew he had met someone else because it wasn't like him to want space. I agree with him with the space thing. yesterday i went to do my hair at his place, because his room mate is my stylist, After doing my hair i persist to go to his room, there i found out the truth. The truth is he has someone else and she living with him. I was her clothes and shoes in the closet and her picture too hanging. I was heartbroken and mad, so i decided to wait for him and confront him. We talked and he told me what ever in saw in his room is true. That he has been seeing her for two months, but didn't know how to tell me or break my heart because he didn't want to hurt me that's why he just say to me he needed a break. We were happy together and everybody that see us knew that we both were in love and care for each other. I was shocked, hurt, and so many question coming in my head. He said he met her in January at a friends party and they have been talking, but started dating now. They have been dating for two months and already she is living with him. I asked him why she is living with him, he said it just temporally she is looking for her own place. I am definitely hurt and don't know what to think. I need help.
    • JM
      Help me kevin. I need him back and i would do anything to get him. He is a good man and the only person that i have love like this. He has so many characteristics that i loved about him. Help me.
      • Kevin
        Hey JM, I think you should think things through before getting trying to get him back. Do no contact for at least 2 months. You do have a chance to get him back, but you need to stop being needy and desperate and follow the plan. He cheated on you. He is the type of person who has been emotionally cheating on you since January. That is not a characteristic of a good man.
  • Shahbaz Bhatti
    Kevin... I am facing an out of the world relationship problem We had a relation for 7 months..... I really really loved her from the core of my heart and she knows it even she accepted my marriage proposal but suddenly things have changed. From her point of view, she said that she is internally ill and if she died i would miss her so she act completely opposite. she has limited her texts, giving lame excuses when asked her to call her.... she said she have to be away from me.... She said she is tired of to be alive. she said she is no longer that lively girl she can not smile and she can not love someone.... Please leave me.... I had to go to no contact period. I convinced her sometimes but after 1 or 2 days she act the same.......... I don't know what I have to do to realize her that this life is not being tired of. She said she is still love me but we can no longer to stay with each other I have to get her back. I want her. I don't know Kevin what to do.......... Plz help
    • Kevin
      Hey, I replied to your comment here.
  • A.S
    Hey all! When my ex and I broke up I came onto this site because I was desperate, I didn't know what to do. Its been 1.5 months since we broke up and last night we got back together. I can honestly say that everything that Kevin talks about is true, between the no-contact period and working on yourself and becoming a happier person, I can honestly tell you 100% that this website changed my life. Kevin's idea of working on yourself and becoming happier not only helped me to get my ex back, but it also helped me to turn my life around and really let me be happy with who I am. I wish all of you the best of luck with your endeavours! Just remember, even when things are tough and seem hopeless, you've just got to stay strong and perceiver. They always get better! Thanks so much Kevin! You've completely changed my life!
    • Kevin
      Thank you A.S for sharing your story. Good luck with your relationship. :)
  • theres
    Hi think your information is what I need right now.I met a really nice guy was with him for 3 months but had gone straight from a previous relationship into this one with trust issues from previous relationship now I look back I can see how stupid I've been I was keep sending this bf messages all the time thinking he was lying to me but really he wasint.he told me there wasint a future the way that I am that I need space on my own for a bit which I know is true, he said that's the only reason he wanted to break up he really does like me as I really like him,he says this is just as hard for him as it is me but i did say to him if I sorted myself out, sorted my head out would he be intrested in trying again he said he wouldint say no.I know its me I have to get hold of my life start having fun, be happy and try and forget what happened in pass.we have been doing the no contact, how long do you think i should wait till I get back in contact with him.I am doing really well I've been following your information.
  • therese
    Hi I think your website is really helpful just what I need right now.my problem is I have been in this relationship for 3 months, I came into this relationship straight from a previous relationship with trust issues.I kept texting this partner thinking he was lying to me even tho he wasint it got that bad that he said it can't go on like this and I need time on my own to have fun go out with friends etc and to get my life back.he said this is just as hard for him as it is for me as he really likes me and I really like him aswell.he said this texting was the only problem so I asked him if I got myself sorted out would he be intrested in starting again he said he wouldint say no.I know he is right I do need space to sort myself out.I've not spoke to him since just wondered how long you think I should wait before I get in contact with him its been 2 weeks now but I am doing really well I've been following the steps on your website just starting to look after myself.I do miss not spending time with him but I know when i feel ready it will be all worthwhile.
  • Denny
    Hey Kevin, I feel as though I'm in a very complicated situation. My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, saying that she couldn't see herself with the person I was at the time. But I also found out that she had developed feelings for one of my friends in the past 2 weeks. They had known each other and talked for about 2 years now. During these past 2 weeks, I've realized and accepted that I wasn't a very good boyfriend to her, and I am able to see how she lost interest. During these same 2 weeks, I've also made grand attempts at showing her that I understand her and that I want to change, not just for her, but for myself. We hung out one weekend post breakup, I took care of her while she was sick, we also engaged in sex once.
    • Kevin
      Hey Denny, Ask her if she wants to get back together. If she says no, tell her you need some space and time to accept the breakup and start no contact.
  • soyuz
    Hi Kevin, I want to start the NC period, but my ex and I work at the same place. What do do? -Thanks
  • Adrian
    Hey. After my girlfriend forgave me for past mistakes she finally took me back. We were even talking about getting a place together until she found pictures of another ex on my phone. Now she blocked my number and won't talk to me. I've done all the mistakes you outline...now what?
    • Kevin
      Do no contact for a while. Give her time to calm down. If she doesn't unblock you in one month, send her an email.
  • david
    Hi Kevin, My wife broke up with me and left me heartbroken last August after 12 years, we have a Kid, and he is 9 years old. Your stapes looks all wreaths going for it, and I do indeed thank you for that. However, do you have something for me with a kid still living with his mam, and he is reaching out to get two hared headed people together. I looked at the relationship as a dream with some nightmares, and she now looks at it as a nightmare with some dreams. I still love her, she stopped. I lived for the past 3 years in the UK, for my medical training, and she lives in the Netherlands. we had before a lot of problems starting from the financial problems and we couldn't do every things we wanted, and I did not come up with what I promised her to do, that is one of the reasons I moved to London. She is now with someone we meet at a holyday, he left his family too, and that was just 2 months ago. I extremely over reacted, to the point that my heart stopped and letter had a mini stroke. And then, when I found out she slept with this man, I made it worst then you could visualize with letters, phone calls and text messages and it is now a mass , she does not want to talk to me . Nevertheless, when I am on the phone with my son, she is always there and now the phone is always on speaker. She is now anger of me, fearful of me and disappointed, and me too of her and me. Till me what to do ? I am lost
    • Kevin
      Hey David, Follow the plan. Don't talk to her unless it's about your kid. If she tries to talk to you, tell her you need space and time to deal with the breakup. After a month of no contact, send the letter mentioned above apologizing for your actions.
  • Dana Bazzanella
    This is a question for contacting him. If he doesn't have a cell phone how do I contact him once the no contacting period is done?
    • Kevin
      Email, facebook or a hand written letter.
  • soyuz
    Hi Kevin, I neglected my girlfriend for almost five years. She finally realized that she was working hard to make me happy and I never did the same for her. After crying to for two days she decided that she needed to change. She told me that we didnt have a connection and that she thought that she wanted to be alone now. I got scared when I saw her determination and promised her to change and give her the love and attention she always craved. She just says that she is confused and is not sure what to do next, but she definitely doesn't want to be a servant anymore. She has been in this situation for two consecutive relationships spanning almost twelve years. She has been an angel to me and I realized that now. She hasn't officially broken up with me, but she is completely different. We barely talk and she shows little to no interest in me, which is utterly shocking to me. She couldn't go one hour without texting me before. Does NC applies here? I tried it for one day so far, but I'm not sure if it applies here because I don't want her to think that I don't care about here. Again, she hasn't broken up with me at this point. Thanksl
  • Sarah
    Hi Kevin, I don't know if you still have my previous comments from before but if I explain the whole story it would take hours. So long story short, I saw my ex again and he apologised for everything saying he panicked when he felt things getting serious. As it's long distance I was only able to spend two weeks with him and from the beginning of those two weeks we got the romance thing back on track. We obviously weren't as close as before but we were still pretty close and he said he was really happy to have me back here. Throughout the two weeks we had a few ups and downs but we got through them. But by the last day something happened and everything took a turn for the worst. He didn't even come to say goodbye. It's been nearly seven weeks and I haven't even tried contacting him and he hasn't contacted me either. I'm scared of making things worse if that's even possible. I got him back then lost him again in the space of two weeks. I'm completely stuck and have no idea where to go from here.
    • Kevin
      Contact him Sarah. If things don't work out, at least you'll know it's over for sure and you can concentrate on moving on.
  • Riffka
    I am so miserable right now. I've been in a rebound relationship for 4 months.. And the worst part is that he broke up with me, when I actually started feeling something special for him.
  • Philip
    Hi, So my girlfriend and I recently broke up after seven years of dating. At first it was mutual, be both felt "off" and honestly I felt like I could use some time alone. So I planned to move out (we both moved from the same city to the one our university is in, my schooling is done now). But then my plans to move out were cancelled and I started having second thoughts and I brought up giving it another shot, but she had already (within days) found someone new. This hit me harder than I expected and I did what every relationship guru says not to do and I turned into a... well, you get the point. She now had all the power. The reason she wanted to keep trying things with this new guy and not give me another chance was my fault. I took her for granted. Let the relationship go stale. Let myself go. I was stupid, basically, and you know how it goes... don't know what you have until it’s gone. We're still living together (so NC is impossible for now) but I am moving out within the next few days. I plan on doing the things I've read here, it's just that there will now be six hours between the two of us making some aspects difficult, long distance and all. Also, I wasn't close with her best friend, so texting her wouldn't work... although I may find a way to stumble into one of her other friends at work. I'm worried about the guy. He is the total opposite of me. He's extremely extroverted whereas I am introverted, which is where a lot of the trouble came from -- I couldn't handle doing some things out in public (she mentioned my weirdness about PDA). I'm working on it though. I'm coming out of my shell. But this guys is taking her to do all the things I foolishly never did. She says she really really likes him. Just a moment ago she sat down by me to talk, heard me clacking away at the keyboard and asked what I was up to. Said I was chatting with someone and she assumed it was a girl. Asked multiple times who she is. I didn't say, because I am not a liar, I will however omit some things. I told her she should do something this coming weekend so I could have the apartment to myself. She asked if it was to have someone over, I didn't lie, just shrugged. In reality its when I plan on moving out and I don't want her there for that. So she said, "I guess we never really would have worked out since you moved on so quick." I asked her how often she thought of me and she said, "Not really much. How much do you think of me?" And I felt like this was a trap. I wanted so badly to tell her the truth. That she is the first thing I think about when I wake and last thing when I go to sleep. But I didn't, kept my cool, and shrugged with an "eh." This was... impossible to do. I wanted so badly to tell my feelings. A little while later she came out and was completely different towards me. Cold, silent, obviously angry. Having her get a little jealous seems like a good thing, but having her angry doesn't seem like it is very productive. Wouldn't that just push her into the other guys arms more? She talked normally to me after hanging out with him as well, so that sucked. All I can think of is that affection I once received going elsewhere. I'm so used to hugging her and everything... I'm lost. I apologies for how long this is, I guess I've been looking for someone to say all this to and now it's all coming out. I'm hoping for assurances, but what I really want is the hard truth, your opinion on my luck in the future. Anything. And during NC I plan to work on myself, physically and emotionally. Right now I feel like she's a drug, and I don't want to see her again until I can be confident in myself enough not feel that way.
    • Philip
      I could really use some help Kevin
    • Kevin
      Hey, You do have a chance and her relationship is probably a rebound. But like I say in the article, you should be prepared for the worst and accept the fact that even if she doesn't come back, you are going to be OK.
  • Laura
    Hi, my ex and I were together for 2 years and never had any major issues, but I broke his trust. In April, when my current ex and I were still together, my other ex contacted me, and I replied. My boyfriend found out and we went on a break, he then decided to give me another chance, but last week, I saw my old ex out, and I spoke to him, just to say hello, and not be rude, and my boyfriend broke up with me over it. I was angry and walked out as I hadn't done anything wrong, but them I made the mistake of contacting my ex and we were flirting. I only did it because I was angry. My boyfriend found out and now said he won't give me another chance as he gave me one before and I still broke his trust. I know this all seems very confusing, but if I follow your steps, do you still think I have a chance of working things out with him, even though at the moment, he says he definitely doesn't want to get back together? Thank you!
  • Mema
    Hey again Kevin .. well .. i didn’t give you much details about my relationship at the first post .. so .. here is the whole story .. i met my boyfriend 4 years ago at university .. and he had a crush on my .. so .. he told me that .. and after 6 month .. we told each other that we love each other .. so .. that’s how the best 3 years in my life started .. alot of people were against our relationship .. but we didn’t care .. we loved each other ALOT .. and we were having the best time ever .. A year ago .. we were under alot of pressure in the college because it was our graduation year.. and we fought alot .. so i asked him to break up .. and agreed to be friends .. but after a month i told him it was a mistake and i want him back .. but he said that he don’t love me anymore and he’s happy without me .. i asked for another chance .. he didn’t accept and .. we were friends .. but we acted like we are more than that .. so after a month .. he told me that he loves me .. we dated for 6 months .. but he told me that he’s not ready for commitment but when he’ll be ready .. I’m the only one he wants to be with .. so we never talked about getting married “we did alot the first 2 years” .. then we had a big fight .. and didn’t talk for a week .. a mutual friend told him that im seeing another guy “i wasn’t! And IDK why she did this to us” so he told her he’s doing thae same .. and she told me .. so i contacted him and do all the deadly mistakes .. he gave me a rough week .. but at the end .. he told me that he loves me .. and there’s no other girl that he want to be with .. but it was to make me jealous .. so .. we were dating again .. but he was spending much more time with his friends .. and i wasn’t ok with that .. so .. one time i got made alot .. called and yelled at him .. and say bad things about him and his friends .. and hang up on him. .. then i released that i was over reacting and called him again .. but no answer .. he didn’t answer me for a week and i was calling non stop .. at last i talked to a friend of him .. and we met twice .. had a great last date .. and he told me that he loves me at the end but i think it slipped out from him and he did not want me to find out that he still do .. so .. i started NC for 2 weeks .. then he called .. telling me to go out with him on a date .. i said .. ok .. and it was amazing .. at the end .. we got back together .. and talked about getting married and stuff again .. this went for 2 and a half months .. then we had a big fight and he broke up with me .. i did all the deadly mistakes again .. and after 2 weeks .. he unblocked me .. and i did the same .. so .. he talked to me .. as friends .. but after a while he told me that he loves me .. but i played hard to get .. so .. we went away with my friends for 2 days .. and he was romantic and sweet .. and planned a romantic surprise for me .. so i told him i love him back and i want us to get back together .. and he was like :”oh wait .. what? .. i love you but i don’t want to be with you again! ” .. so we talked for hours .. and we agreed on giving ourselves time to work on our relationship ..and .. it was great .. for a week.. then he was busy for 2 days .. and on th 3rd day .. he had time .. so he decided to spend it with his friends not with me .. when he got back .. i was mad .. told him that im breaking up with him this time not him .. and some other stuff i regret now :( .. he blocked me on all social media and IM .. :( .. and at last he was really mad .. and told me .. “do you really think that i would talk to you ever again after all the things you said?” ..i apologised next day .. he said that he forgive me but he want me out of his life and after our last call .. i started the NC .. now I’m at day 10 .. he didn’t try to contact me yet :( .. I’m working on my self .. but still I’m afraid that i screw up and that i have no more chance with him .. what do you think Kevin? :( Is there any hope? I know he loved me alot before but now .. i don’t feel that anymore :(
    • Kevin
      Hey, I think you do have a chance. But you guys have a lot of issues you need to work on. I'll recommend you do no contact for at least 3 months before contacting him. This will give you the time and space to figure out what was wrong with the relationship and whether getting back with him is a good idea.
  • Mo
    Hello, I have found this article really settling. I am chosing to take the advise and have the perspective of space to really improve myself and be happy. One thing different is that my boyfriend and I are just on a 'break'. He made the call as I was struggling to trust after he had done something a while ago that broke the trust, and I also found myself because of trust issues feeling anxious with separation. He made it clear that it was not a 'break up' and that we were still girl friend and boyfriend and are not to hook up with others, but we are not to act like couples and to have space. I now see the benefits for me with the break (which was not given a time frame) so I can break that attachment and become confident in myself again, but I don't feel like it will help my trust with him. I have used this time to really work out what upsets me and triggers my unability to trust, but what would you suggest to make this work ? How should I go about getting him to change as well. He also has an event at his work on in a week that I have helped him get numbers for (which he really needed). If I and my friends don't go there won't be as many people. Do I still go and just not communicate with him? Just so I show respect for him by still helping with numbers or do I just ditch.
    • Kevin
      You should go to the event. You can even communicate with him but don't talk about anything personal and keep conversations short. When you are ready to get back in touch, you can lay out clearly what you require from him in the relationship and what are your expectations. If he is unwilling to put in any effort, then tell him both of you should continue the break for a little while more.
  • KC
    I told my ex I need to keep a good distance from him for a while, but you mentioned not to tell them in this article, so what should I do?
    • Kevin
      That's alright. Don't worry about it.
  • Jess
    My ex and I broke up yesterday after a 1-month relationship. I'm a female (25) and she is a female (37 years old). The reason was that we were fighting and she is very sensitive and every fight is very bad for her emotional health. So she broke things off. She knows I deal with break ups via no contact so she told me she wasn't going to contact me until I decided to contact her, if I decide at all. Does that make no contact pointless for getting her back?
    • Kevin
      Nope, it doesn't.
  • Marie
    Hi Kevin It has been 7 months since my split and I have just finished my 30 day no contact and I'm feeling good. Trying to reattract him via texts and every response I get is negative. Can I have a little advice on how to approach this situation?
    • Kevin
      Hey Marie, In that case, you should do no contact again for a month.
  • Steve
    Kevin, I thought your article and advice were unusually level-headed and insightful. My ex and I split up in mid June (more than 4 months ago), after a very unpleasant spat in a restaurant. No shouting, no throwing of drinks into faces, just very tense and unpleasant, and it was my fault. I had never seen her so upset as after that encounter. Our relationship had been deteriorating in the previous months and things had been getting more and more testy. We still see each other occasionally socially (we have a lot of mutual friends), and in those circumstances are on civil and even friendly terms. But we are not in contact -- she cut off contact the day after the restaurant thing. I love her and want to win her back. I'm confident that I'll handle her and things much differently and more effectively -- if I get the chance. I observed the No Contact rule for more than two months, and since then have sent a couple of friendly notes -- one a thank-you after she picked up something I had dropped, and one saying that I had enjoyed a brief but friendly chat we had had the day before. Two weeks ago I sent a long note acknowledging some of my faults, and last week I wished her happy birthday. She hasn't responded to any of these messages. So I wait, and wonder what else to do. I guess I will eventually decide what other options I have, and whether it's better to just move on. Trying to stay positive and to keep a stiff upper lip.
  • Lindsey
    I stayed no contact, and then wrote the suggested letter. It's been a week but still no reply. What should I do, just move on now?
    • Kevin
      Send a text as mentioned in the article.
  • just-tim
    hello Kevin. My story is long, just like i'm Shaw many of your devoted followers relationship stories are so ill keep this short and if you want to hear the full story ide love to tell it and love to get everyone's input.. I will start with a sincere thankyou to you Kevin Thompson, YOU SAVED MY LIFE. When my ex of 7 years broke up with me I was on the boarders of suicide, I don't want to go into it in detail but killing myself was only days away. As I said ill keep it short for now, I signed up for you email counselling and just this one thing is what saved my life. Kevin your emails gave me one thing to look forward to every day, at a time when everything in life seems pointless and you feel like there's nothing worth living for just knowing your going to receive a motivational email every few days is lifesaving. So thank you: Kevin "lifesaver" Thompson. PS: Things between my ex and I haven't worked out the way I would have wanted it to, on the 24th of October it will be 3 months since my ex left me, im still trying to get her back but she is an extremely head strong individual with a few emotional walls to break down. I have the up most faith that with kelvins coaching along with the other information he provides normal female would have been begging to have me back in her life but my ex is special (that's why I love her so).. thank you tim
    • Kevin
      Thank you so much for your comment Tim. I am glad this website and the email were helpful.
  • Isabel
    What if your ex's birthday is around the corner, should I say happy birthday?
    • Kevin
      You can text, but keep it short.
  • Mema
    Hey again Keven .. i told you before about my ex .. We've been together for 3 years .. We broke up 2 weeks ago .. and i started NC immediately .. anyway .. i ran into him today .. he was with a friend of us .. I said hi .. he said hi back .. I talked to our friend for a minute .. he stod aside .. acting like he met a stranger .. and didn't say a word .. what does this mean?
    • Kevin
      Doesn't really mean anything. Don't overthink it. Continue no contact.
      • Mema
        I couldn't help myself .. I sent him a message .. I tried to make it casual .. told him that we are not strangers and if he had a free time we should meet .. and it'll be fun .. but he didn't answer me .. So .. I acted needy and desperate again .. sending him tons of messages .. at first they were all funny and friendly .. still no answer .. finally .. I told him as a joke .. I'm gonna kill myself .. when he didn't reply .. I sent him a photo .. me holding pills .. and said I'll take them all .. but even that didn't change anything .. and he did not call or even text me! I feel like he doesn't care anymore about me :(
        • Kevin
          Well Mema, as you might have guessed, what you did was a huge mistake. He probably knows you were just acting out of desperation and desperation is unattractive, which is the reason why he didn't want to reply. You should start no contact again. This time, don't make any mistakes. And make sure you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of Step 4 before ending no contact.
          • Mema
            Mema
            Ok I'll .. I hope that I still have a chance with him .. we were amazing together .. and I wish that never ended .. I know he was tired from all the problems .. and from being hurt each time he came back to me .. but I really want to change in order to give this amazing relationship a last chance .. starting NC again .. and I'm sure i can check the list soon .. :-D I'm hoping I'm not to late .. but I'll do my best .. Thanks alot Kevin .. wish me luck .. I really want things to work between us :(
          • Mema
            Mema
            Kevin .. I've posted before all the details about my relationship "long version of my story" .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply ).. in which stage of healing process you think he's in? .. Breakup Pain Healing? Bad Memories Healing? Missing Me Badly? Or Moving On?
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            He is in the initial stage. Don't worry about it, he is not going to move on during no contact.
  • Soyuz
    Hi Kevin, I neglected my girlfriend for almost five years. She finally realized that she was working hard to make me happy and I never did the same for her. After crying to for two days she decided that she needed to change. She told me that we didnt have a connection and that she thought that she wanted to be alone now. I got scared when I saw her determination and promised her to change and give her the love and attention she always craved. She just says that she is confused and is not sure what to do next, but she definitely doesn’t want to be a servant anymore. She has been in this situation for two consecutive relationships spanning almost twelve years. She has been an angel to me and I realized that now. She hasn’t officially broken up with me, but she is completely different. We barely talk and she shows little to no interest in me, which is utterly shocking to me. Does NC applies here? I tried it for one day so far, but I’m not sure if it applies here because I don’t want her to think that I don’t care about here. Again, she hasn’t broken up with me at this point. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!
    • brooke
      No.....see this happened to me my boyfriend didn't talk to me after he hurt me. For a girl its irritating when you tell someone something and you think they don't listen the best thing to do is talk about it tell her how you feel if you become vulnerable to her and share your thoughts it will make her more understanding
      • Soyuz
        Thank you Brook.
    • Kevin
      Giver her space, but don't cut her off completely. If she calls or texts, reply to her. Don't pressure her into anything. If she decides to break up, follow the plan.
  • anjali
    Hi, I submitted a post yesterday. It met the guidelines so I'm not sure why hasn't been posted. I'm not sure if it just did't go through and I should post again. Thanks
    • Kevin
      Hey Anjali, Sorry about that, I don't usually approve new comments here. If you have questions regarding your relationship or breakup, you should post in the message boards. You will get a much faster response.
  • alice
    Hi Kevin, i broke up with my boyfriend one month ago, of course i have made all the mistakes you have said not to do,the calling, texting, begging, you name it, now i feel like i have lost him forever because he told me point blank that i need to accept the breakup and move on with my life, the most difficult part is that we work in the same building and i have to see him everyday, i have no idea what to do,I urgently need your help before i go crazy.Thanks.
    • Kevin
      Hey Aice, Read this article.
    • prakash
      In my opinion you should dress good and try to ignore him. It will be hard for few days but when he will start noticing you that you have stopped thinking and looking at him he will start noticing u...
  • Chris
    Hello Kevin. For the first year of my relationship I was a fun, confident guy, whom my girlfriend respected and fell in love with. I too fell in love with her, and we moved in together. At some point I realized I was happier than I had ever been, and had more to lose than ever before. I freaked out, and have spent the past year becoming a desperate, needy bloke who gave her everything she wanted, even if it wasn't what she needed. I saw she was unhappy but I didn't realize why, so just pressed harder to be there for her and love her and support her. Trouble was, this was smothering her, and out of the blue, she has told me it's over, because she loves me, but is not 'in love' with me any more. She has explicitly stated that even if she falls in love with me again in the future, she will ignore those feelings. She will never ever come back, because we tried and failed, and she won't try again. She is a stubborn person, and I am concerned that she will stick to her guns. Truth is, we once made each other very happy, and I can see a future for us. Have you had any experience with people who have tried to win back their ex after a few months of time apart when the person who left is determined not to ever go back? What should I do? I am accepting that we may never be together again, but I truly believe we could have a wonderful future together, and it would be such a shame to see everything we built go to waste.
    • Kevin
      Yes, it has happened in quite a few cases. You should follow the plan.
    • Dewald
      Chris that is exactly the situation that i am in but my relationship is still in honeymoon stage. Problem is, she is un-affectionate which drives me crazy and raises my insecurities. I am not a insecure guy in any form but now i am second guessing myself all the time. Its driving me crazy. She hates the way i am acting now and tells me ive gone all weird. But i feel i have a very valid point here, she is cold... like ice cold... It feels like she has lost the spark or that is what i am making up in my head..... See where i am at, i need to somehow revert back to me default setting but she said that she has been in relationships like this and it never improves and people dont change. I played house with her to make sure that our amazing relationship flourishes and we can get use to each other.... The kicker is that the normal me, stock standard is what she wants but.... she is still cold, never use to be like this.... I am going mad..... I am all up in my own head arguing and debating...... The advice youve given makes complete sense and i will follow it verbatim. Question: The last communication was not what i will call a high note, Can you leave on a sour goodbye? Wont that last communication resonate and come up as a memory at the next meeting? I have been in so many relationships and never gave the full monty, Treat them mean keep them keen and its worked for i dont know how long... With my current GF, i see a future and i gave in to my reservations and played open cards to ensure that there is no secrets between us. She respected that but it feel like i traded my 4x4 in for a Scooter.... I feel unarmed and fueled with her un affectionate nature, i start craving hugs and kisses and opening the doors to my insecurities... Wow, how complicated is this, i am so perplexed and confused and it feels that every move i make pushes her further away. Please can someone give me some perspective, I need advice or someone to tell me what to do, i feel like a novice... Bazaar!!! That is it for the -unhappy hour... :) Thank you
  • anil kumar
    hai thank you so much first it was very useful article...u r genious
  • Anjali
    Odd, I guess I will post again and see if it goes through this time. Perhaps my post never registered with the site. I'm struggling with deciding how much longer I should do no contact/ or not contact him at all ever again .It has now been a month since we broke up ( I broke up with him) . Summary of what happened: We dated total 2.5 years, 1 ish year in college, 1 ish year long distance. Relationship in college was great and were at one point thinking marriage. Had some tiffs regarding him prioritizing/ picking me over friends etc. but things got better. Main issue is that he is an investment banker. extremely busy and once he graduated and started working we started doing long distance. He basically started making no time for me at point . He always had work. We would chat a lot but phone calls ended up being a once a month thing which i got frustrated with. I said we had to talk more and he kept saying he'd try harder except he never did. I visited him a few times and visits would be great and our connection would be good but it would go to same old same old once i got back. In may at one point he told me that all he needed was money and he knew he hadn't been trying and I should break up with him and find someone better. He didn't end things with me though. We didn't break up but things didn't really get better or worse. I brought up breaking up a few times after that but never actually went through with it but it def. created a lot of tension and things kind of stopped being enjoyable. He got vacation and booked at ticket to vacation instead of coming to see me even though he's never visited which really upset me. Last month, i got very frustrated with not talking on the phone for a whole week again so i called and broke it off. I asked if he was going to stop me. he said " no, my career's more important right now." We hung out. I called him a week later and he didn't respond so I emailed and told him I think I needed a few months of space but I want to try things again. However, he didn't respond. it's been about 4 weeks since I sent the email and i haven't contacted him again...no begging. I'm not sure what to do now. i still want him back i guess, but since he didn't respond to me idk what to do. Do i never contact him again:? it seems like he's already done with this and moved on. it also seems like he may just not be ready for the commitment and to settle down on one girl, even though our relationship used to be great.long distance is what made things go south because he wasn't willing to give the time commitment to keep the connection alive enough. funny thing is though i broke it off, I feel like I got broken up with. Do I do another month of no contact and call/ email again? What form of communication would be best. I'm just really not sure how to do this anymore.
    • Kevin
      Hey, You should do another month of no contact. I think a text will be a good place to start. If he doesn't reply, you should wait another month. If still nothing, you should consider moving on.
      • anjali
        What should i say when i reach out when the second month ends? Should I say that it't been two months and I've had the time and space and I want to talk and see where things go, but that I'm not going to convince him if he doesn't feel the same? That I'm doing this for myself so that I don't have regrets? Or do I contact him casually, ask how he's doing? I feel like he might see through that pretty easily.
        • Kevin
          Start casually. Even if he is suspicious about your intentions, it doesn't change anything.
        • Balaji Sendur Pandiyan
          Anjali move on. Look around for person who loves u since ur boy friend do not care u. Even I had break up with my girl friend I begged her to forgive me but she treated me as like a road side dog now I'm alone and trying to forget her. So bottom line stop thinking ur bf and search people who love u. Thanks
  • Kevin
    Brief overview. -Dated almost a year. Both came from history of previous long term relationships ending in hurt (Say this wondering if I was the rebound). Had a rough patch for a few weeks, relationship ended in July (mostly her idea, agreed it was for the best). Attempted being friends for a couple months. My feelings still lingered visibly, could tell she was feeling it less. Her sister got married in August, planned to be her date months previously. Attended, but things were weird for me and it showed. She was annoyed by my awkwardness when I had to be introduced as her friend. Didnt hang out for a month or so after, but stayed in contact. Called her out on turning down my hangouts. Wrote an appology email after, received a reply of her basically saying "if you want to cut me out of your life, thats your decision....we need time to heal....maybe someday we can be friends" Didnt understand the "cut me out of your life..." mixed with "need time to heal" attempted to text her a couple days after, too much effort and it was felt. Stopped talking. Came across this site and proceeded to reach the 30 day goal. I'm now at week 3 (day 21). Anything you can make from this? Is it worth persuing? Or do I need to lean to let things go? I love and miss the girl but dont want to "hunt her down" so to speak. She's used to being treated a certain way from previous guys, and I personally think its something she has to outgrow. And the only way (in my eyes) would be if she were the one to come back to me.
    • Kevin
      Hey Kevin, Considering you both need time to heal, from your previous relationships as well as this one, you should increase no contact to two months. I can't tell you if it's worth pursuing or not, it's for you to decide. If you think she is worth it, it's worth pursuing. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know that you tried and it'll be easier for you to move on.
  • Chris
    Hello! So, I'm trying to use this system, but having a hard time with the no contact! Made it 11 days b/f I caved! All the messages I did send were all positive while utilizing your techniques. My ex broke up with me a month ago and still (in my opinion) giving me mixed signals. I guess I've only been searching why she neglects to answer my questions about ways to get her own things back? Why she won't answer if it's ok to mail her earrings, CD's, and other things to her house? In addition, asking for things of my own back? Why she won't respond? Also, why she can't answer (previously b/f I started this system) my question if she has moved on or not? I'm having a real hard time figuring out whether or not I'm just wasting my time bc I don't have the slightest clue on where she is at. I have been on a date (not the greatest date) and really only thought about my ex the whole time. I guess since I broke the "no contact" rule does that mean I shiud start over or go to the texts? I finally feel that I'm getting to the point of not thinking about her all the time. I know I'm making progress, I just don't want to lose this one. I really care about her. Any and all feedback is much appreciated! Thanks! -CCA
    • Kevin
      You should start over. There could be two reasons why she won't answer to those questions. 1. She is not ready to let go completely since those things are in a symbolic way the only thing that's connecting her to you. 2. She doesn't want to talk to you at the moment since she is angry/hurt/mad. The things are not that much important to her and she plans to take them later or maybe never.
  • Isabelgonzalezx
    Hey, I'm Isabel. Me and my ex boyfriend met in the beginning of hot summer july. he asked me out a month later..I was so happy. But 2 months later (10.6.14) he broke up with me. Simply because I couldn't make him happy. When I try to talk to him about our relationship he says I am so negative. And annoying.... I try to be happy but it's so hard. He says he lost feelings too. What should I do? I really love him...
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan Isabel.
  • Mema
    Kevin .. I’ve posted before all the details about my relationship “long version of my story” .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply ).. in which stage of healing process you think he’s in? .. Breakup Pain Healing? Bad Memories Healing? Missing Me Badly? Or Moving On?
    • Mema
      And thanks alot Kevin .. for what you are doing .. helping thousands of couples to be together again .. and not wanting anything in return .. You are GREAT! ..
  • Roberto
    Hey Kevin thank you for your article help me a lot deciding what to do when my girlfriend broke up with me. I'm thinking on the pros and cons of the relationship now. I haven't decided if is the best go back to her.
  • Leilani
    We always get back on track and then i ask too many questions or try to be too lovey dovey, going solely off of his vibe. I do agree I probably text or message too much but i don't want to lose him because of it. He told me yesterday to not text him because im aggravating and can't tell. but the day before he was telling me how much he loved me and my attitude. i responded by telling him there are other guys who want to have sex with me but i dont want it with them and he doesn't get how much i like it with him and that the day before thats what i meant by he just needs to tell me what he doesnt like about me or things i do and then me too but he has yet to say anything. what should i do? go quiet for a few days or weeks? then reach out again? i think i only act that way because of how much i like him.
  • alexruiz10
    My ex broke up with me a week ago. She's 17 years old and turning 18 in two months and graduating in two months. I'm 20 years old. We dated for 13 months and fell in love with eachother. she recently messaged me saying this about the breakup" we won't be like this forever, this is just temporary for now, but I see a future with you. ,I see us getting Married one day and having kids and exploring the world together, our connection is so strong it won't ever Break. I'll never stop loving you but right now I just want you to improve on yourself, we both have a lot of things to work on. Just letting you know this time off won't be forever".
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan Alex.
  • Mistaken
    I broke things off with my husband after years of manipulation. He's been working on fixing these issues within himself, but about a week ago I told him to move on with his life. He's now hardly spoken to me (and we have kids to consider). I miss him like crazy, and I've been guilty of breaking all the rules. Can I get him back (even though it was ME that called things off) by following the plan?
    • Kevin
      Yes, there's still a chance.
  • Jennifer
    Hey, so the no contact, how does this work with facebook? Do I refrain from writing status about my day or posting pictures showing what I am doing? For example "had a great dinner with my friends, thanks for keeping a smile on face" would this count as contact as my ex would be able to read this? Even though it is not directed to him Would not being on Facebook for the 30days allow him to think more about what is she doing? He broke up with me 4days ago as he says he didn't have enough time for me anymore (basically to be with his friends instead) I've not contacted him in 3days but have put a number of updates on Facebook and he has be on Facebook A LOT (considerably amount than normal for him) Im afraid my no contact has been damaged by my Facebook statuses
    • Kevin
      As long as the status updates are not about your ex, it doesn't count as breaking no contact.
  • Ilias
    Hi kevin My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change.
  • Ilias
    Hi kevin My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change for me .
  • Carmelo
    Hey Kevin, i read the site and read people's comments, but i also have a few questions of my own. If my partner told me to never text him/her again because during this "breakup" i guess i called/texted him/her several times(to show that i cared) but it backfired. Of course i read the steps and realized this. So now, he/she told me not to text again and this is their final text towards me. Will this process still work? Is that partner not willing anymore? This relationship have been a long long time now. 7 years about to be 8. Give me some ideas.
    • Kevin
      Yes, it'll still be effective.
  • Lily
    Hi Kevin, I think your no contact rule makes a lot of sense, especially about your ex forgetting all of the negative things about you and to work on self improvements. My husband left me about 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure how to apply the no contact rule as he is in contact with me everyday because of the kids. We both only talk about the kids and leave any emotions out of it. Today he came over to see the kids and instigated intimacy. I don't know if I should deny him as part of me thinks that if he is getting it from me, then he won't go elsewhere, but the other part thinks it he could be just using me for sex until he finds someone else. As we are still married, I don't want him to commit adultery whilst we are still married, but on the other hand he could have no respect for me whatsoever.
    • Lily
      Hi Kevin, Could you please clarify how I can proceed with NC when my husband contacts me a few times a day regarding the kids and visits every day to see the kids. What about the sex, is it just to satisfy his needs, or does he feel something for me, he closes his mouth so as not to kiss me. He has told me at least 3 times that he doesn't love me and once he told me that he wouldn't mind if I find someone else. We have been married for almost 8 years. How long should I do the NC and what should I tell him if he wants to initiate sex in the future. Since he left he has come to cut the grass, today I saw him cleaning the cobwebs, he came back after a few minutes of leaving to return a DVD which I had rented for our son and then came back about an hour later to give me some money. He has taken our bin out twice since leaving, but in the month prior to leaving he hadn't touched the bin. Is he doing these things to make me happy so that we can be on good terms for the kids? or could it be something more??
  • Jeremy
    Hi Kevin, Great guide. How do you do the face to face meeting if your ex lives abroad? Obviously, it complicates matters. If it simplifies things with background, we had been dating for over 2 1/2 years before she moved abroad for the time being. When breaking up, distance was never a reason, but it more seemed to be collateral damage from acclimating to a new environment. Any advice here would be great. Thanks!
    • Kevin
      You start with skype. If things progress and it seems she is interested, then you can plan a trip abroad or for her to visit you.
  • Mema
    Thanx alot Kevin .. but I'm very afraid .. he's acting all fine .. spending time with his friends .. and he looks like he's having fun :( .. I'm a close friend with his best friend .. (we are talking almost daily .. he's helping me throw these hard times .. and he's making sure for me to follow the plan) .. he told me my ex never mentioned me to him .. he's doing great .. having alot of fun .. and I should move on like he did.. I know this sounds typical from his bff .. but when my ex went out with our mutual friends .. he acted exactly like his bff said :( .. So I'm really afraid .. that he's very tired from our relationship (all the fights ,the jealousy , the break ups and hurting him ) and he's trying to move on .. :( And I know that he thinks our relationship ended from the first break up " he was telling a new friend of him that .. and when I asked him why he said so .. he said it was hard to explain what happened the last year to her" .. and I'm afraid that the last year was his way on moving on :( What do you think Kiven ? P.s: my ex's bff .. was with our break up at first .. and supported my ex to break up with me .. he thought we were awful together .. and we should break up .. but now .. after knowing me well .. he thinks that I love my ex too much .. and my ex is lucky to have someone like me .. and he even said that he'll never find anyone how will love him like I did .. I'm keeping him updated on my progress following this 5 steps plan .. I even told him I have a date this week .. is this wrong?
    • Kevin
      Hey Mema, I strongly recommend that you stop contact with your ex's best friend. Tell him that as part of your healing, you need to stop all communication from your ex, directly or indirectly. And through him, you are keeping tabs on your ex which is sort of defeating the purpose of no contact. If you are constantly thinking about your ex and his actions, you are not really concentrating on yourself. You shouldn't really worry about what's going on with your ex at this moment. Simply because there is nothing you can do about it. Even if he is tired of the relationship and trying to move on, you can't stop him. If you try to, you will even make it worse. The best thing you can do is follow the plan, and you are doing that already. And even if he having fun with his life, doesn't necessarily mean he is over you. It might just mean he is enjoying being single and away from the fighting and the negativity of the relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean he will completely get over you anytime soon. When you see him again after no contact, you will have the opportunity to prove to him how much you've changed. And for that, you will have to use this NC period to make some actual changes in your life.
      • Mema
        Thanx Kevin .. I'm making huge changes in my life " new look .. new job "passed the interview and they said I can start working from the beginning of the new year" .. soon I'll start my master's degree study "I passed the exam:-D" .. and I'm going to gym" I'm doing great.. and actually I'm having fun .. and I don't talk to my ex's bff about my ex .. we have normal talks usually.. but sometimes when I'm feeling down .. i talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling .. and he cheers me up and encourages me to continue what I'm doing "as my friend not as my ex's bff" .. and that's when he told me that I should move on .. Otherwise we never talk about my ex and what's he doing on his life .. just .. normal conversations .. So should I really cut him off my life? I mean he's a friend of mine too .. isn't he?
        • Kevin
          In that case, you shouldn't cut him off. Just avoid talking to him about the ex.
          • Mema
            Mema
            Hey Kevin .. I want to ask you this .. my ex wants us to talk dirty on Skype .. he said that I mean nothing to him.. not even a friend .. but he wants us to talk dirty ! "Long distances relationship" we were texting back and forth today .. "i ended NC after 1 month of break up" I don't understand .. I'm old fashioned .. and we didn't even have sex before .. and he knows that I don't want to do anything sexual before marriage .. should I talk to him and during that talk about us? .. or create a new bliss moment with him and never.motion us? Or I should ignore him? Plz help asap .. I have 3 hours to tell him my response :(
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            I'd recommend you ignore him.
          • Mema
            Mema
            And btw .. he will probably block me again after the talk thing :( ..
  • Seana
    Hello, So I was broken up with a little over a month ago, and was devastated. I googled "how to get him back" and found this website. Thank goodness for this website!!!! I followed all the steps, and on day 32 of "no contact" my ex called me, told me he loves me, and proposed to me!!! This is absolutely true, and I want to thank you for this website. It helped me so much! Thanks again!
    • Kevin
      Thank you for your comment Seana. I am glad the website helped. :)
  • Xynthia
    Kevin, My boyfriend just broke up with me. I couldn't handle it well. I kept crying and crying. I keep telling myself not to message him. I have no one to turn to now. I stop contacting my friends ever since i was with him. But it was all my fault. I lied to him about some things. I came clean with him and he said we can go through this together, but no. he said it's too late. I really want him back and really want to prove to him that i have changed. What can i do now ? I have no one to confide in.
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan Xynthia.
  • Ben
    My wife and I have had a rocky marriage, but we just kept going. Finally, in frustration, I walked out almost a year ago. Since then in an effort to reconcile, I've broke all of your rules. I'm really hoping to ge back home, I miss my wife and children desperately.
    • Alec
      I like what u said and I just saw my ex I guess what u call it dancing with another kid I know and it was hard to see but I liked what u said. Ps thankyou!
  • Sarah45
    Hello Kevin, I have asked a question on this comment board before, but my question was never answered so I hope you have a chance to help me this time. I was in a 2 year relationship. I don't know if it is important to mention, but I was in a gay relationship, so my ex is a woman (in case it matters in terms of your feedback). Our relationship was very rocky and we were one of those couples who was on and off every two months. This on and off behavior started on the 2nd year of the relationship. And it created a lot of issues that we never worked through. Insecurity and lack of trust being the primary ones. Any argument we had would create a huge issue, we couldn't find a way to work through our problems, which in turn the solution always was - breaking up. We have broken up again, for the 4th time. This time it feels like it is for good, but I have felt like other times were for good as well and we ended up getting back together. This time she was more determined and it just felt like there was no turning back. It has been two weeks since the break up now. The first week went by and I did relatively well not contacting her, but then saw that she may be going out with someone else and I reached out to her within a week of the break up. I realized that it was a big mistake to have contacted her, to have told her I still lover her, beg her not to leave, etc... So I stopped contact and haven't spoken with her since. My question is - how does this plan work for a relationship that was so on and off? Do you believe I should give it more time than 30 days of no contact? Do you think I should move on? Any advice would be appreciated.
    • Kevin
      Hey Sarah, Yes, I do recommend your no contact should be more than 30 days. Preferably 2-3 months. On and off relationships are unstable for a reason. And unless you are sure of the reason and are sure that you will be able to fix it this time, you shouldn't get back together. She will still have feelings for you after 2-3 months. Especially if she is in a rebound right now. So, I don't think you should really worry about her moving on. If arguments were your biggest issue, you can solve it with a little bit of work. Try reading "Non - Violent Communications" By Marshall Rosenberg. Or try getting individual therapy to solve any underlying issues you might have.
  • hearttrick
    hey kevin what if you start sending text messages then she replies to the first once and later doesn't reply anymore
    • Kevin
      Back off for a couple of weeks and try again.
  • lara smiles
    great job
  • Jake
    Hey Kevin, After only 3 days of no contact. My ex initiated a conversation. She called. I didn't answer. After the call I got a text. Just wanted to see how you're doing. Have a good night. She said she found someone else. And she doesn't want a relationship. Blah blah. What should I do?
    • Kevin
      Don't reply. If she keeps on calling and texting, tell her you need some space right now.
  • Alondra
    what if your ex texted you first saying they miss & want you back in those 30 days, do you reply?
    • Kevin
      It's up to you. If you think you need some space, then you should tell them you need space right now. And hopefully after some time you both can figure things out. If you are absolutely sure getting back with your ex is a good idea, then you should take them back.
  • CNN
    Hey Kevin, I've already submit a message but apparently it didn't go through. I find this site very helpful and it makes sense. But I would like to have proof it actually works? I mean, there must be reviews about the matter?
    • Kevin
      Hey CNN, You can read the testimonials page here. There are also a few success stories in the comments section but they might be a little hard to find.
  • hailey
    Hey Kevin I really need help, I been trying to post this but nothing has ever gone through and im desperate and in need of help I have a daughter involved in all this please. I been with my ex for 5 years and we just recently broke up (technically we didn't break up we got into a fight and he just completely ignored me and I found out 2 days later after our fight through Facebook he started dating someone else) I really don't know that to do I love him so much and he still hasn't even contacted me, not even our 2 1/2 year daughter. I really want out family back I been depressed I cant eat or sleep and lost 15 pounds in just 3 days. What should I do? Pleas e Kevin help me. And also I filed for child support on him since he wont even get ahold of me to help out with her. Does that ruin my chances of getting him back. and by the way he's 24 and I'm 25
    • Kevin
      Hey Hailey, I am sorry you are going through this. It's OK that you filed for child support. You still have a chance. Follow the plan.
  • jawa al assad
    i find your advice perfect but there are some points were i didn't know what to do because they did not match my situation like the no contact time we already lost contact and i've already used two deadly mistakes the last one was that i text ed him apologizing for my mistakes since it was my fault and he replied in a very mean way and after couple of days i texted him "to check on him" and he didnt reply p.s his freinds with my sister and they call and text couple of times a week and he is the kind of men who realy are stubborn any advice on how to do the no contact time and the hand written letter i cant do that because he is in the army and he is always on the job he takes off couple of hours a day to hangout and thats it HELP :(:(:(
    • Kevin
      Just start no contact again for at least 30 days and instead of a hand written letter send an email.
  • Yash
    We broke up a week ago.. My girlfriend said she doesn't love me anymore and she is completely over me.. I did all which was possible(begging and asking for a second chance) I was way too possessive I agree which led to this. Is is possible to get her back when she has said that she is completely over me? Our relationship lasted for 4 months.
    • Kevin
      There's still a chance still. Follow the plan.
  • Joe
    What would you say about veiwing your ex's profile even if your doing the "no contact"
    • Kevin
      You should try not to obsess over it. IF you can't help yourself, it's best to unfriend them, or remove yourself from facebook altogether for a while.
  • Tom
    Hi Kevin, I sent the Magic Letter five days ago. I've had no contact for five weeks. She has not called or contacted me yet. Not sure how to proceed or if she will contact me. Need some guidance. Tom
    • Kevin
      Send a text after a couple of days.
  • Tyler
    Where is the right section to tell our history, can you please tell me? I'd like to share my feelings, because i need to move on or change this situation. Something.
  • t.s
    This does not cover what to do when your boyfriend leaves me while our relationship has been great for a year and he loves you, for his first love who comes back 10 years later and wants another chance. that first love is powerful and he broke up with me and now they are going to see if it will work. how do you deal with that one? how can their 'old young love' work out anyway if it has been over 10 yrs and she has been married and divorced and they are different people? he is telling me he has to find out if he made a mistake all those yrs ago and that he has loved her his whole life?
    • Kevin
      Hey t.s, I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I think there's nothing you can do except wait it out and see. Just do no contact for a couple of months. IF after that you still want him, despite the fact that he left you for a "what could've been", then you should contact him. You will probably get an idea if his new thing is working out and if you have a chance. At that moment, you can realize if there's a chance or you should move on.
  • danny
    What if you still live together. How to go from there.
  • Tom
    Kevin, Its been almost six weeks with no contact. Sent the Magic letter a week ago. No response. So I sent a nice text saying I sent a letter, and I hope you are able to read it. It is not sent in anger, just my feelings. Then I wished her a Happy Halloween with her daughter. Our kids have bonded too it is hard missing them so much. Not sure what else to do. The end of the letter said goodbye and good luck as suggested. I think she is really upset by that but I don't know since there has been no response. Any guidance? Thank you, Tom
    • Kevin
      Wait 2-3 weeks, send the text mentioned above. If still no reply, then you should seriously consider moving on.
  • Laci
    i think i can handle all the steps that you have kindly provided. my question is what if you have babies involved, one of them being 4 and is very aware of that person now being gone? and what crazy messages youve sent back and forth (being desperate and needy) have been hate messages?
    • Kevin
      You can apologize about the hate messages after no contact is over. And read this article for your question regarding babies.
  • Helen
    Hi Kevin, I posted before but got no answer please please I really really need your advice :( I'm desperate. We're both 24 and he broke up 2 month ago. It was painful and messy I was needy and basically made all the mistakes. Went into no contact for 3 weeks tried to follow the plan then broke it last night. After 4 years he says he doesn't love me anymore and hate that he doesn't because it hurts me and him. He says (after I broke nc after 3 weeks) that we can't be friend yet because he knows I didn't let go (I hate myself so much for breaking nc) that maybe when he sees that I'm happy maybe even we someone else we can think . We dont live in the same town, I'm so mad at him and myself and sad how long do I wait, or do I wait till he contact me ? Is there still hope? Thank you
    • Kevin
      Do no contact again and follow the plan. Do not contact him unless you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.
      • Helen
        Thank you for this advice I'll do my best. I feel so stupid because I was finally getting myself out of this post breakup depression and now it feels like back to stage 1. Why does he wants me to find someone else, is there still hope? I'm worried he is gonna move on after that next NC :(
        • Kevin
          He won't. People say that all the time after breakup. But don't really mean it.
          • Helen
            Helen
            Thank you for your replies, One last follow up question, he says he doesn't want to see me yet because it hurts, what does he mean by that, what exactly hurts. Does it means some feelings are still involved on his side?
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            The breakup hurts Helen. Yes, it means he still has feelings.
  • Joshua
    Your advice has been very influential on me as a man. I thank you for this. It NEVER occurred to me that the reason my ex girlfriend was calling me days after SHE initiated the break up saying things like "Just calling to check up on you" or "I'm just making sure you're holding up" is simply her admitting that she's thinking about me without actually saying it.
  • Xender
    I don't think my comments are going through...
    • Kevin
      Sorry Xender. For questions, I usually recommend posting in the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I only accept a few of them.
  • Ton
    Hey Kevin what should I do if i see my ex on the street passing me? should i talk to her?
    • Kevin
      Depends. If you have eye contact, you can nod and say hi. If it comes to the point where you have to have a conversation, then keep it short and don't talk about anything personal.
  • Ishika
    I don't want him back , I just wanna show him that I m really happy without him and if he comes back to me I will take my revenge, I will accept him and then break up with him the very next day..... :)
  • Ben
    Ok, so i am in quite a tricky situation. Me and my girlfriend split a little over a month ago, more on her part. Before this we met in Australia and when she left i felt i needed to see her again, so the option arose for me to fly back to her country ( Sweden) and live with her. We had been together for a year and a half before we split but i think there were cracks showing in the relationship maybe a year into it. To make things worse i lost my job in the same week we split and right now i can't even move out into my own place because of this. She wont kick me out because she's a kind loving person like that, she still loves me but not like she used to so i know i have something to work on. My problem is that i feel like we cant even have this 30 days cool off period because i can't get away from her! Of course when we first split naturally i felt like i never wanted to move out, i wanted to do all i could to win her back but it mainly resulted in me being upset in front of her. Before reading this article i can honestly say i'm guilty of a lot of the things i shouldn't have done that are listed above, never mind! So like i say, it's a tricky situation! Any help would be appreciated
  • Mema
    Hey Kevin .. I know I made a mistake .. but I need your advice .. (Me and my ex were together for 3 years .. last one we went on and off .. and we had so many fights) so .. after a month of the break up .. (I contacted him once in yhat month) .. I decided to give myself another shot .. so I called him.. he said he want me out of his life for ever. . That I've lost my chances with him .. and he can't forgive me anymore .. and he doesn't want me to be his friend :( We talked for half an hour .. then he got mad .. and hang up on me:( So .. i sent him a message .. telling him that I want to talk to him tomorrow .. he refused .. we ended up texting back a couple of messages .. then he agreed to talk on Skype .. I asked him a couple of questions .. and asked him to be honest .. he agreed .. so this how it went : -do you miss me sometime? -him: yes .. -do you think about me? -him: sometimes -do wish that the last year didn't went like this? -him : yes .. but it happened .. it's too late .. it didn't matter anymore -have you ever imagined how things would be if the ladt year didn't happened? -him: of course "and he talked about how he thought it would be " :( - did you believe that before the last fight we could make things different? -him: yes .. I wish we could handle it back then .. -I know now .. I pushed you away .. -him : yes you did .. but it doesn't matter anymore .. -did you like my new look? -him : yes .. you are beautiful -am I still the most beautiful woman you've ever seen ? - him : yes you are .. we talked for hours .. I told him I didn't like his profile picture on whatsapp (it was a picture of him with one of his female friends) so the next morning he changed it .. he put a picture I took for him on our graduation day .. and he talked if I ever thought of having sex with him .. I told him yes on our wedding day .. and I talked about how romantic it would be when we finally get married .. we laughed alot .. and it was nice to talk to him again .. but after that .. we agreed to talk on the next morning .. on the next morning he had to go and do something .. so when he got back .. he told me that he wasn't comfortable with talking to me ( it's a lie .. he was happy .. I know him enough to say that ) And he want me out of his life forever .. and he'll take his time to think if we can be friends again .. but just friends .. we will never be anything more :( .. So I asked him not to block me .. and I told him that this will be my way to show him how serious i am to win him back .. he agreed .. and now .. I can see him online all the time .. I assume that he's talking to a new girl .. because he hates talking on IM .. and yesterday he was up till 5 am .. he rarely stay up like this when we were together (even if I stayed up .. he used to go to sleep early .. but early in the relationship .. he stayed up late for me ) .. but now he can stay up late ? :( I'm afraid that he's talking to a new girl .. and they aren't in a relationship yet .. that's why he want me out of his life .. so I don't effect his relationship with her .. and that's why he's staying up late .. I know I shouldn't check up he's last seen .. but I just can't help it .. what do you think Kevin?
    • Mema
      And yes .. I asked to be his friend .. and I used this text from the RR (So i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said, and you’re right, things haven’t been the same between us. We both feel it and i’m actually grateful you were honest enough to bring it up. I think I had known that we were growing apart for a while, but part of me didn’t want to admit it because I was trying to hold onto the idea of all the good times we did have together. And that’s when I realized that we really do have an awesome time just hanging out. But we overcomplicated something great by adding a relationship . That’s why I think it’s a much better idea for us to Must be friends, don’t you agree?) I sent it .. and I told him to take his time to decide if he want us to be friends .. :( And that I won't contact him anymore .. unless he talks to me .. and I told him to till me when he reads it (he didn't) .. and now his online all the time and stuff .. and I'm scared :( What do you think Kevin?
      • Kevin
        Mema, Your conversation with him made it quite obvious that you are still needy and seeking his approval. It's good that you told him that you want to be friends and told him that you will not contact him. I'll suggest you keep your distance for now and stop obsessing over him. Unless you can get rid of your neediness, he won't be attracted to you again. I'd also suggest you go on a few dates.
        • Mema
          I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I'm cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I'm trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it's because I miss him so much :( .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace :-D And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he's someone important in my life :) .. And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can't remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too .. But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation? He's sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn't comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me?
          • Mema
            Mema
            And how can I get rid of my neediness? :(
  • Danny
    Hi, Great advice but i have a question. Me and my partner have a child together after a 3 and a half year relationship. We've been apart 8 weeks now and of coarse with our child involved am finding it ever so hard to stick by your guidelines. i know its right what your saying... but i still have to make some sort of contact with my girlfriend to see our child. What would you suggest is the best way forward? Danny
    • Kevin
      • Danny
        Hi Kevin, not so long on but a little update and some advice required please: The no contact rule has been pretty straight forward to follow, however i have tried to communicate with her to see our Daughter and have discovered that she has blocked my calls and texts anyway. Obviously disappointed with regards seeing our child. I feel as tho she is perhaps using our child as bait now. However a week on from this I've been out the last few days with a friend from work for a few beers and a few meals which is a lot easier than eating at home on your own. Each time I've checked into the location via Facebook and i believe my ex has been monitoring this. Yesterday she called me and we spent an hour on the phone talking about things in general and conversation got complicated towards the end as her son cam home from school. Suppose the conversation was awkward ??? But what came later on were telephone calls about how anxious she was feeling and how she had dropped her phone in water and was asking me for advice on what to do. i politely recommended what to do and said 'il speak to you soon'. What then followed were messages via Facebook messenger thanking me and going on to ask what am i doing? She claims that she's not feeling very good tonight and her nerves are really bad. Am i on a date? i stated that i had felt that way for some time and she said its the first time she felt like this and is obviously hurt and gutted that we didn't work out but it wasn't good for us or the children to carry on our relationship. i asked her y all of a sudden does she feel like this? to which she replied 'i don't know' was you with someone last night????? i said that i was shocked of her asking me this all of a sudden after 2 months! she said she doesn't know and persisted to ask me if i was with someone and that her body felt terrible??? I then thought about the no contact rule and ignored. Woke up this morning to be greeted with more messages saying that i havnt answered her and to tell her the truth and she felt that something was strange, followed by the ever more - hello , hello hello , are you still there???? and approx 7-8 phone calls this morning on my way to work which i ignored also. Finally she stopped and has since blocked me on Facebook and i have no way of contacting her again. This afternoon at lunch i couldn't help but call to leave a voicemail to only say that i had missed your calls this morning and if you would like to chat then call me. Wrong of me perhaps, but i couldn't help it after thinking that perhaps she has strong feelings still ???? i don't know, I'm so confused. Please Help.
        • Kevin
          Hey Danny, She is going throw the breakup pain which many people feel only when they realize that their ex is not waiting for them and finally moving on. If you are still in no contact, continue it. Do not discuss your personal life with her yet. If she calls again, answer her, be polite and tell her you need some space and time right now and you will be in touch with her later.
  • Felix
    Hey Kevin, me (male, 28) and my ex (female, 22) had been longtime very, very close friends (seven years) before we got together. She ended her lesbian relationship (duration: 7 months) and finally we got together. But after two months (one month ago) she decided to break up with me and get back together with her former girlfriend (31). Because we had been so close before our relationship, she didn't left me all alone after the break-up. We met several times and both of us enjoyed the time together (at least she said so and there is no sign she was lying). Now, of course I did all the mistakes you describe in your article but nonetheless we're still in close contact. I think it's finally time for the no-contact-rule. But she will definitely contact me because we have been in close contact since the break-up. Should I answer her text with a short note like "I need some time off. See you."? It would seem strange and rude not to answer. Any help would be appreciated! Felix
    • Kevin
      Yes, it's OK to tell her you need some time and space.
  • Luke
    My ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago, the first 3 or 4 weeks i acted so needy and desperate at least a couple times a week. She said she just wants to be friends, and that she still cares about me. She started liking someone new a few weeks later. I've gone no contact for a week, in a few weeks i will send a letter to her. My problem is she is so stubborn and she says that she doesn't want to get back together because it might not work out. I've tried to convince her but no luck, will i have a chance at getting her back?
    • Kevin
      Yes, follow the plan.
  • Abduraghman
    I am 26 and my fiancé is 30. She broke up with me on Friday. We are together for 7 years and 1month. But we engaged for a year and a month now. She don't want anything to do with me and wants nothing from me. The reason she broke up with me was, she said I am obsessed and immature. There were things I was doing which she did not like. She told me it’s over for good this time but I want to make things right by making the changes in my life. There is a new friend that she is chatting with he is now only 20 years old. They saw each other for the last two days. She also told me she feels something for him. Kevin I need your help please anything will do.
  • Bailey
    Hi Kevin, my girlfriend and I broke up about two weeks ago, things were going ok, we had some issues but had worked them out, then about a week later she told me she still definitely loved me and didn't know if she wanted to get back together but she wanted some space. She is going through a really stressful time in her life, and I mean real stressful. I was wondering what approach I should take in order to get her back. Thanks!
    • Kevin
      Give her the space she needs and use that time to make some positive changes in your life.
  • bruce
    Hi, I posted a comment here a few days ago, but only after I read to post on board. Can you please answer it here and the next will go there? Thank you. I'm the one with the 5 month old and she has a bf. Wanted to add she normally doesn't go out and date like that and she has ben acting very different over this timenwd normally after a great day with me and our son she flips the next day and acts very neg towards me.
  • Sunav
    MY ex broke up with me citing reason that her parents would never ever accept me and she wants no more troubles and is looking for new love. I made mistake to talk to her asking her to come back. But can i start the no contact period from now onwards? about a week after our break up?
    • Kevin
      Yes you can.
  • Gemma
    Me and my ex was dating for two and half years and have been split up for 3 Weeks. We split up through his choice but have had a rocky time recently. I have done the begging/ texting part. Really trying to stop that by find it so hard. Met up with his last week was amazing he couldn't stop kissing me telling me him loves me. Now he feels that he can't see a future with me and that becomes before everything else still States he loves me and can't bear changing his profile picture of us. Planning to meet this weekend to discuss but of course no promises and doesn't think we have a future. I have suggested dating again but feels would end the same. How can I show him that I realise things need to change and we can be happy?
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan. Start making changes and let him realize it by himself.
  • sam
    My ex said the reason we broke up is the i didnt show that i liked him. He said he felt that our relationship was fake. And to be friends again.and he said nothing can change his mind. What should i do?
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan.
  • Alice
    Hi kevin My boyfriend brokeup with me about 1 month ago. Unfortunately i didnt act well, i kept no contact just for 10 days and after that i called him while we both were not ready,i asked him to see him on that day but he told me that he will call me back , after that he didnt call me , so i called but his phone was off After two days i text him and told him that i wanted to have new relationship with u but it seems that u dont want to, so have a good life . And after a day he answered me that i think it doesnt work its better to be good friends for each other... Good luck After a week we saw each other we were face to face after 30 seconds he told me hi i answered then i continued my way Now i want to know your opinion about if is there any chance to get him back or not Do you think its over?? :( I will be really appreciate you if you answer me...
    • Kevin
      There's a chance. Follow the plan.
  • Dan
    Hey Kevin I commented yesterday and need help by this weekend! but i'm not sure my comment went through?
    • Kevin
      Hey Dan, Please post on the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I don't usually approve them.
      • Dan
        Ok thanks Kevin i will next time. Should I create Jealousy through social media to trigger my ex's interest. This would be done by posting photos of me and my other ex hanging out this weekend, she was always envious of her. Thoughts
        • Kevin
          If you decide to go that route, make sure you don't make it completely obvious that you are trying to make it jealous. A better way would be to just post pictures of you having a good time and not with girls you know she is jealous of.
  • Mema
    Hey Kevin .. I've posted here before .. you've recommended that I should stop being needy ( I don't know how to do this :( ) .. and that I need to go on many dates .. Well .. I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I’m cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I’m trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it’s because I miss him so much :( .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace .. And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he’s someone important in my life :) .. And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can’t remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too .. But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation? He’s sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn’t comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me? .. and there was this thing .. a girl commented on his profile picture on Facebook .. she said " you look nice ♡ " . . many people commented on his photo .. but he replied to her .. and one more male friend of him :( .. I viewed her profile .. he commented on her profile picture too saying : "omg .. you look super nice" I'm afraid :( I don't want to lose him :( .. Does this mean anything? And what about our conversation? .. does ot till anything about his feelings towards me? And one last thing .. I changed my profile picture on whatsapp 3 days ago .. yesterday he sent me an IM .. saying that he liked it . . Today I said thanx .. and that was it :( What do you think Kevin? I'm confused and afraid :(
    • Kevin
      He still has feelings for you. I think you should do more no contact since you are still needy. The best way to get rid of neediness right now is to make a lot of positive changes in your life. As mentioned in the Step 2 and 3.
      • Mema
        Well I did all of them .. I even got a job .. a new look .. went on a date .. I passed the exam for master degree .. I volunteered.. I go to gym "even before the break up" .. I'm already the best version of myself .. and actually .. to be honest .. I'm way out of his league !! .. Everyone is telling me that!! .. But still .. I want him .. I miss him alot Even when I'm out with my friends .. I think about him .. I'm not contacting him .. as I promised .. but I'm afraid that he knows we were bad together the last year .. and he knows he has feelings for me .. and he won't talk to me because of this .. untill he's completely over me and he's with someone else ! :( and his friends have bad influence on him .. because they don't think we should be together " we are from different religions... it wasn't a problem for us ..but i believe that his friends are effecting on him so we don't get back because of this :( " What should I do in this case?
        • Kevin
          In that case, give yourself some time away from him. At least till you accept that you have broken up and there's a chance you will never get back with him. You should do no contact until you are OK with this. It will take time. Till then, continue living your life. Go on a few more dates. Go out with friends. Just try to enjoy your life as much as you can.
      • Mema
        Hey Kevin " the miracle maker" .. Well .. Finally .. I'm talking to my ex again .. after blocking me and saying that he want me oug of his life .. etc .. We started talking on whatssapp 2 days ago .. we shared intimate moments ... and romantic talks .. even some sexy talks :$ so .. it was good .. but yesterday we had a small argument .. so he got super mad over nothing "I couldn't talk to him on skype" .. He said that I'll never change .. and that I always do what's best for me and I never considered him .. and he went offline .. so .. I sent him a sms .. I was the mature one .. I didn't sound needy or anything .. and I respected his wish to storm off .. so after 10 minutes he came back apologising .. today .. we talked again on whatsapp .. we laughed .. and we had fun ..then I was telling him about this guy who is going to propose to me in a traditional way .. and then he asked me to talk to him on skype .. I refused .. I was busy .. then .. he was mean with me .. he was acting differently .. then I asked him if we are gonna go with our friends when he comes to my city next week .. so .. he got super mad .. and angry .. he told me that he will not answer now .. because he doesn't wanna say anything that he'll regret about later!!!! He asked me to go to sleep a little because I was tired .. and I did .. what do you think is happening? I know .. you said in your emails it's normal .. but am I doing anything wrong here? .. I yold him how great my life is now .. and he's doing nothing at all.. just having fun with his friends .. did this bothered him? .. how exactly should I be with him? I don't wanna lose my chances to get him back :( And one more thing .. we were talking yesterday .. about a thing ..so he said that we will never get married .. like he was making sure that I don't think about him as more than a friend :( What do you think?
        • Kevin
          Hey Mema, Just make sure you don't lose your temper and are always calm and mature. He is confused. Let him be confused. He will try to get a reaction out of you. Don't give it to him. Know what you want in life and don't compromise just because he is angry or throwing a tantrum. Always put yourself before him. About the marriage thing, he was probably trying to get a reaction out of you by saying that. If he feels the same after a couple of months being in contact with you, then you should give up hope and find someone else.
          • Mema
            Mema
            Thank you Kevin .. but I think I'm in an evaluation period .. and I'm afraud to anything wrong .. so now whenever he got upset at me .. he storm off and go offline .. then I send him a message telling him that it's not a mature way to solve anything and that he should go back online to hear my opinion :) .. so he does .. and we talk .. he's like a child .. if he didn't get what he want .. he gets mad .. yell at me .. and go offline till I send him a message .. so today I was upset .. he promised me to call me on phone .. and he didn't .. do I told him that I'm disappointed and sad ..and as a joke I said that I won't talk to him anymore with " :-p" emoji . . he did nothing at all .. he saw the IM .. and he didn't reply .. What do you think? And today he's going to a party .. I think he has a set up date .. I'm not sure .. but he's acting strange .. he didn't talk to me .. he didn't respond when I said I'm sad .. he did nothing! What do you think?
          • Kevin
            Kevin
            Hey Mema, You should not reward his child like behavior by giving him what he wants. If you do so now, you will be doing so for the rest of the relationship (if you get back together). Like I said before stay calm and don't let his hot and cold behavior affect you. Do not compromise just because he is throwing a tantrum. You are not in an evaluation period. If you think so, you are being needy. In my opinion, you need more no contact.
          • Mema
            Mema
            Kevin ... I don't know what happened yesterday! ! so after telling him that I'm sad and upset .. he didn't talk to me .. so .. he was online .. so I asked him what's going on .. he said he's busy .. ( we have a thing .. when he's busy ... I send him alot of messages .. because I know he can't reply .. so I tease him :-p .. we always do this .. idk how to explain it .. but it's funny) so this time he got upset .. he said that he's busy and he's talking to someone .. I said who? your girlfriend? .. he said :" I hope she will be soon" .. so I was shocked .. and I started to ask him about her .. how old .. when did they meet and where .. etc .. he sent me a picture of her and he didn't reply to any of my questions .. he told me he'll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok .. so .. he did .. he told me it was a joke .. and the girl is his friend .. but she means nothing to him .. so I told him : " that's good .. she's not beautiful .. and make sure when you're gonna date someone that at least she is more beautiful than me" .. he said that there is no one who is nearly as beautiful as me .. and I'm the best girlfriend he could ever dream of .. I said thanx then he apologised .. and asked to talk on Skype .. I said it's too late .. and I'm going to sleep .. he got super angry .. he said : "you know I hate talking on whatsapp and you know how much this means to me .. yet you always do this! .. " I said that I'm not in the mood and I don't wanna talk on Skype ( I was upset because he didn't care that I'm sad all the day .. and I did not want to reward this action ) .. so he got angry .. and he said that he'll never ask me to talk to him on Skype again .. and I'm selfish .. I said that I respected his wishes when he was busy and he should respect mine .. so he said he will go to sleep to calm down and he'll talk to me tomorrow .. I said ok .. but you started a fight for nothing and that he should ask himself if this reason is really important to ruin our evening? .. he ssid it is .. and he want me to leave him alone .. I did .. what do you think Kevin? .. did I did what you told me about not rewarding his child like behaviour and learning to say no to him and not always giving him what he wants? and I didn't compromise because he's angry .. os this good?
          • Mema
            Mema
            and he's coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or weae something completely new?
  • Col
    Hi Kev, My ex has been calling me every 2 days during my NC basically to check up on me as I have been physically ill & signed off work for the past 3 weeks. She split up with me over a month ago with her reasoning being 'she need to get happy, but alone'. I have been following your plan strictly as it has helped. But every time I receive a text or missed call, it sets me back again. I took your direction on contacting her by text "Thank you for your concern but I don't want you to contact me for the time being- I'll get in touch with you. I need space and time right now. I have arranged with Joe (brother) to have your belongings collected. x". She replied with "ok that's fine, I just wanted to know how you are and what your doing, how feather (our cat) is and what's happening with her? Have you left Liverpool?". My question is, do I reply? Or do I leave it as I asked for her to leave me for now?
    • Kevin
      I don't think you should reply.
  • sana
    Hey Kevin, This really seems silly and would be the last thing I'd ever thought I'd do, but anyway.. Umm.. Me and My guy broke up because he found someone he feels "that's closest he has felt towards love" and funnily its hardly been 2 months of them meeting up. He made out with me even after being in relationship with this girl. He wants me to stay friends with him. Tells me about the problems he has with her. Shows that he loves her. But tells me and her that I am the only person he's closest to and he trusts! Whatever does that mean? :@ I am not an egomaniac but I wouldn't go begging for him. Nor would I ever say I am miserable without him or bull shit. I do love him though (sigh!) I told him I don't want to be "friends" with you. Because obviously I can't change my love with whom I've been kissing and god knows what into OMG my Bestie.. lets just hang around and discuss your life issues! that's ridiculous. I feel sad about it though. I know I am hurting him (and yes I know he did it too!) AAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh... 23 days of knowing it. 14 days of kissing him for the last time. 1 day of telling him that things won't work the way you want to. Please help! i have no idea what I am doing. AND I FEEL ANGRY ALL THE TIME. (Almost like I am really carrying all the Voldemort horcruxes with me!)
    • Kevin
      Follow the plan Sana.
      • sana
        so this guy doesn't look bothered :/ Can I ask some of my personal stuff that he has back?? Though I gave them as a gift! (I know asking a gift back is rude :P) I doubt if he misses me a tad bit.
        • Kevin
          Unless you really need that stuff, I would advise you don't contact him until you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of step 4.
  • Jersy26
    I have not contacted my ex since our break 1 week ago. However he has contacted me. Daily. And I have made the mistake of responding. My bad. I will stop. But can I just ask for my house keys back ? Or is that a no no to ? I legitimately need them to give to a friend to help me with my pets while I work. Should I just get new ones made ?
    • Kevin
      Yes you can.
  • J-Ap
    Hey Kevin, I have subscribe to the emails and have been doing no contact for atleast 2 weeks, she have tried to contact me during the 1st week of no contact, I have not responded. The second time she contacted me was on its 2nd week, I have responded as what you suggest but no personal and emotional respond. She told me that she is miserable right now, but I am confused, not sure if its because of our breakup or because she have no chance with the new guy that she said she's ""falling inlove with"" I do not want to contact her anymore. Is that the right thing to do? Do you think its because she is still not over me? Why do she need to contact me just to talk about that guy! Please advice my friend
    • Kevin
      She seeks approval and emotional support. Don't give it to her.
      • J-Ap
        Thanks Kevin! I messed up doing no contact when I responded to her, I still showed depression and signs of neediness. She wanted us to be friends even though she knew I was hurting. I don't understand.
        • Kevin
          Don't be friends with her if you are hurting. Take time off and tell her you need some time for yourself to deal with the brekaup and maybe you can be friends again with her after that. Then do no contact.
  • Katherine Delaney
    So my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday saying I was the perfect girlfriend but he just wasn't ready for a commitment (he moved onto me to fast he said). When I asked if there will ever be a chance in getting back together he said "I don't want to give you that hope' I started getting into the picture after he broke up with a VERY serious girlfriend and she moved out, they were a toxic relationship where she cheated on him constantly. COULD I OF BEEN THE REBOUND RELATIONSHIP? We went through a lot to be together though, he was my older brothers close friend and my brother said no but we had such a connection that we did it anyway. He was the first guy I've ever trusted after I got raped and after my dad beat me, he knows that too. I was saving myself for marriage but I gave myself to him after a week because it felt so right. He said he can't imagine his life without me and neither can I, we love each other but we were never in love. We didn't have the time but we spoke very seriously about the future and even a family. We still are best friends so I'm nervous about the 30 no contact rule. He wants me as a best friend but I still desperately want him as a boyfriend. I want him back very badly, we had a perfect relationship we were only ever happy with each other and fights would last a max of 3hrs What should I do???
    • Kevin
      You should follow the plan Katherine. You need to do the no contact period and you need to learn to live a life and be happy without him. That's the best way to get him back.
  • Roseana Wong
    I just want to say this article is so true - it's helping cope with my break up as we speak- its indeed the hardest thing to do with the NO CONTACT - like just the other nite I saw my ex with this girl - my friends and I were out drinking... And he and this girl was at the bar too.. I payed no attention to them cause I try to follow the rule of the no contact - it was recking ball when I saw them together but I put on my happy face - and then it's not like she was worth it ./. I was more than happy I went out with my friends - I had a great time after all- thnks Kevin -
  • saree48
    Hi, so... I've bought Relationship Rewind and I'm at the point where I give both of us some space to breathe and become rational. I am already emotionally stable and though it is still early into the process, I have this underlying fweling he won't contact me when "he is ready." So what do I do then? I know you are not the one who made Relationship Rewind, but I don't know how to enter into the "False Friendship" if he does not contact ME first, as the ebook instructs. Any ideas as to what to do if this does end up happening...?
    • Kevin
      If he doesn't contact you first, you contact him after no contact period is over. Use the texts or letter mentioned in the above article to get back in touch.
  • Christine
    Love Love this!!!! As I was reading the steps, I was wondering if I could still use this for my current situation. My ex and I have been broken up for a year now, but we continued to mess around, even when he was in a rebound relationship. A little while after I started the No Contact rule for 4 Months. I then texted him and during the conversation he asked me out to lunch. We went to lunch and after that we have been texting here and there. What do I do now?
    • Kevin
      Continue texting and hanging out. He will probably make a move after some time.
      • Chrstine
        Sometimes it is hard to hang out with him because he is always busy. I dont like to always ask him to hang out when he says, "Oh I can't because blah.." but if I wait on him to ask me out again I might be waiting for forever. And also while we were at lunch he mentioned how he cant trust girls anymore because of his past relationships and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at this moment, I kinda said to myself that he was giving me a heads up and to tell myself that we should just be friends and maybe go back to being best friends like we were before I don't want to but it looks like I have no choice.
  • Christine
    As I was reading others comment about their situation, they were very detailed. I felt that I was not, so here is a little background info to help you answer futher my last comment. My ex and I were together on and off for about a year and a half. I broke up with him, and he started dating another girl to try to get over me. When I found out and he tries to come back to me, I told him to go be w/the other girl. So he went back to her, I went back running.. you get the picture. There were times when he would take her out places and not me! Eventually I told him to leave me alone and don't text me! Four months later,(Mind you, Changed my hair color/style, new job, gymlife, drew myself closer to God, went on dates here and there. I was good) I texted him a funny pic and the convo went on from there. While we were texting, every time I sent a text he would text back 1 minute later. He asked me out for lunch and eventually we went. What talked about what we been up to and he mention about his rebound relationship saying "That door didn't stay open for long." It was nice, just two friends catching up. After the date, we text here and there. During the NO Contact rule I barely thought about him. Now that I do, I realize I'm not over him! What do I do?
  • Lyndsey
    i really love this and I'm glad i read it especially the no contact rule. I think i should try it and see.
  • Maggie
    My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me over a month ago and I did the no contact rule for 30 days and it seems to be working. He wanted nothing to do with me and now we're having friendly text convos and he says he wants to hang out with me over Christmas break. I really want him back so how can I make him want me again if I hang out with him
    • Kevin
      Just be confident when you hang out. Have fun and enjoy yourself. Don't show any signs of neediness.
  • Mark
    Hi Kevin, I sent you a message a few days ago but, to date, I have not seen my comment published or received an answer from you. You may have reasons for not responding (???) but I would like to hear your expert advice on my current problem. Many thanks.
    • Kevin
      Hey Mark, The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of them. You should post on the message boards. You will get an answer much faster and the community here is very helpful.
      • Mark
        Hey Kevin, I did as you said. Wrote out my post once again and posted on the message board under 'Reconciliation'. One week later....no replies! Nothing, zilch, zero. What a waste of time!!
        • Kevin
          Sorry about that Mark. I have replied to your forum post.

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