≡ Menu

Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

However, for those of you that don’t like reading too much, here’s a shorter version of the article. (Although, it is highly recommended that you read this entire article and the comment section. It will change the way you see your breakup and will give you a very detailed plan to follow. You will also find thousands of stories you can relate to in the comment section.)

How to Get Your Ex Back (Shorter Version)

  1. To get your ex back, you must not make any of the deadly mistakes that make you look needy or desperate.
  2. Once you stop those mistakes, begin no contact. Stop all communications with your ex unless it’s absolutely necessary and unavoidable.
  3. Become You Version 2.0. Take a step back and reassess everything. Work on becoming happier and more confident.
  4. Once no contact is over, get back in touch with your ex. If you do it correctly, he/she will be blown away seeing the new and improved version of yourself.
  5. Take things slowly and rebuild attraction, connection and trust with your ex. Keep doing it until your ex decides they want to get back together. Before you begin no contact take this short quiz to find out your chances of getting back together.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat_begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

 

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why do no contact?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

 

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find it in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on using texts messages to get your ex back.)

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like ”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques aka EBP Basics

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series. I call this email series EBP Basics.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

How To Gain Access?

Just go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get EBP Basics for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)

 

If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

8263 comments… add one
  • Helen November 27, 2014, 5:32 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    I just read your email about the breakup line “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”, and it left me very perplex.

    I believed the breakup happened between my ex and I because of this:

    -They are at a point in life where a lot of emotions
    and other factors and making them confused about what
    they want. Leading them to believe that the relationship
    is not for them and they are not in love. Because they think
    that if they were in love, they would have been sure about
    continuing the relationship.

    I’m wondering if the plan can still work in that case and how? Even if its not a exact science I’m wondering what you think about this,

    Thank you for your help again!!

    Helen x

    • Kevin November 30, 2014, 1:50 am

      Yes, it can still work. No contact helps them realize what they want in your life. And it helps you become a better version of yourself to give them more incentive to come back.

  • Ify November 28, 2014, 4:16 am

    Hi Kevin,

    A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 months and I broke up. It mutual. Yesterday I told him how I felt about everything which included telling him I wanted to give things a go again. He said we were better off just being friends but I don’t want to give up just yet. I would love to know if I can still get him back because i plan on starting the nc rule today.

    Thanks

    • Kevin December 1, 2014, 8:07 am

      Yes, you can get him back. Follow the plan.

  • Luke November 28, 2014, 4:54 am

    I feel like I’m at a dead end. My ex split up with her rebound 2 weeks ago and it’s been 2 months since we split up, we’ve had a few nice conversations but every time I ask to meet up as friends she doesn’t reply. I don’t know how I can get her back without meeting up and I don’t know how to start a new conversation with out looking desperate. Part of me thinks I should just straight up ask her if I have a chance at getting her back. What do you think Kevin?

    • Luke November 28, 2014, 7:09 am

      Or to just ask her if we can have a calm and mature talk about “us”?

      • andy1099 November 28, 2014, 3:17 pm

        hey i think girls and ex’s in general hate the talking about us – i know where you’re at man, i don’t know if there is a solution here maybe just cut off communication and get her to chase you by being focussed on your path

        • Luke November 29, 2014, 5:27 pm

          surprisingly it kind of worked, she said she will be willing to have a mature talk about things, but we need to do it as friends, its a start!

  • Works November 29, 2014, 12:24 am

    I found this site a month ago and I was desperate I had done everything wrong I BEGGED I cried etc.. But I honestly did what your site said word for word and it works .. I focused on me went to the gym got new cloths changed me hair and I feel great my ex was texting me like crazy he tried everything to get my attention .. I took him back and he’s the one now WORKING to be with me. . I just wanted to share and thank you !

    • Maria January 21, 2016, 12:39 am

      Your comment has given me hope.xx

  • Tony November 29, 2014, 2:05 pm

    Will the “healing bad memories” and more importantly, “missing you badly” phases still happen if she is in a reabound? We broke up just over a month ago, and I’ve been following the guidelines recently. 2 days before she made it official with this new guy she contacted me, sending photos of us, and later bringing up the past. She also told me she was fighting coming back due to the hurt. I played it cool when she made the relationship official and didn’t give my opinion or talk down on him or her.
    Not sure what to do at this point and wondering if those phases will still happen?

    • Kevin November 30, 2014, 2:05 am

      Yes, it still happens. Although it happens slower because she doesn’t have time to process her emotions.

  • Joanne November 30, 2014, 2:45 am

    Your message board won’t let me in Kevin. It won’t accept my username or password. Now what?

    • Kevin December 1, 2014, 7:56 am

      Hey,

      Are you already registered? If so, please use the forgot my password link below the login button. If you can’t registered, use a different email, username and password.

  • Mema November 30, 2014, 5:31 am

    hey Kevin .. it’s been a while since I’ve posted here ..
    so you recommend that I should do a second round of NC ..
    and I started doing it ..
    but my ex is now showing me that he’s interested in me ..
    he started going to the gym ” I was telling him to do this a long time ago” and sending me pictures of him while working .. he’s calling me before going to sleep .. and gives me a good night kiss .. he sings songs for me and send them on whatsapp “some of our favourite songs when we were together” …. he even changed his profile picture on whatsapp and he put a picture I love .. and he updatee he’s status .. at first he wrote : ” this is the impossible love” .. a song in arabic about being in a relationship that you know it’ll end soon and you can’t do anything to stop it .. and that you should lose hope because your love is impossible .. so I said I didn’t loke it .. so he changed it to ” you’re my moon .. and I’m only human .. even though the moon is far away .. but I’m in love with it ” .. and he never asked me to have sex talks anymore. . so .. I replied to him .. I thought it would be rude if I don’t .. right?
    even sometimes I started the conversation .. we had an argument 3 days ago .. he listened to me .. and calmed down ” it was afer 6 hours of arguing and for sometimes he didn’t reply to me at all!!” .. but at last he did listen .. he never used to do this ..
    so now I’m confused .. after admitting to me that he still has feelings for me .. and after being nice to me .. should I continue the NC .. I know it wasn’t a strict NC but Idk .. I feel safe to talk to him.. he hasn’t called me today .. or even yesterday at night ” no mobile connections at his city ” .. but he did apologises to me about that by sending an IM this morning .. when I woke up I sent him to call me .. he got the message but he didn’t call! ..
    so what do you think Kevin?
    should I do a strict NC ?
    and should it really be for a whole month?
    I’m confused!

    • Kevin December 1, 2014, 8:00 am

      Hey Mema,

      I still think you can benefit from a strict no contact. However, it’s not an absolute necessity right now. If he tries to treat you as a doormat again, then you should definitely do it. Until then, keep yourself scarce. Let him initiate contact most of the time. And try keeping yourself busy and keep making positive changes in your life.

  • yk December 1, 2014, 2:09 pm

    First, I’m sorry for this long post. But ex gf of 3years broke up with me about 7months ago. We tried to get back together after 2months of the break-up, but she couldn’t do it. And honestly, I don’t think I was ready for that myself either. And we tried to move on and didn’t talk for several months except few occasions. But few weeks ago, I stopped by her house to drop off some stuff. At the time, she was shocked to see me and told me she’s seeing someone. I somehow ended up telling her I’ve been thinking about her all this time which I wasn’t planning at all, and we ended up with making out little bit. Then she pushed me away and told me this is not right. So I went home.

    Few days later, she texted me to ask if I’m okay and if I still wanted to meet up and talk. Also she told me that she’s not seeing that guy any more. We haven’t met up since that night, but we’ve been casual chatting over text for few weeks. And coupld of nights ago, she started to drunk texting saying she’s an a-hole and really selfish by texting me and by telling me that she’s druink so it’s okay to text me and she’ll blame her next morning. And asking me to send selfies and what I was doing that day and stuff. I just basically told her to take care of herself and please go home safely which she did.

    Yesterday morning she appologized for what happened a night before and we just casually chatted throughout the day. And today I found myself thinking about her a lot. I care about her so much and if there is any chance, I would try to get back with her. But what I’m afraid of is that I’ll reapeat the same thing and I’ll be a hot mess again. I just wasn’t sure what that drunk text means. And If I should even consider to try to get back together at this point.

    Thanks for your help!

    • Kevin December 2, 2014, 10:19 am

      Hey,

      I’ll suggest you ask her out but don’t talk about getting back together straight away. Do it after at least 3-4 dates. Things should work out.

  • andy December 1, 2014, 10:37 pm

    You were such an inspiration to me. Reading through this made me go alot deeper into the way I feel about things. Im definitely going to try this out and see how it works. Keep doing what you do your AMAZING at it!!! Thanks a ton Kevin!!
    XOXO
    Andy

  • Helen December 2, 2014, 4:40 am

    Hi Kevin,

    2 weeks nc here, and haven’t seen my ex in person for 2 months (last time we spoke was through Skype).
    I try not to think about him and I do keep busy and make positive changes, but it’s weird not having any of his news, he isn’t much active anymore on Facebook (which is probably for the best). I know he as a new interest which might be a rebound and I feel like distance is pushing us appart for good and that he has forgotten about me :/. We were together for 4 years

    • Helen December 2, 2014, 2:59 pm

      And I just noticed that he deleted some of our pictures on Facebook even if they weren’t that many… Does it mean there is no hope and that he has definitely moved on?

      🙁 thanks

      • Helen December 2, 2014, 3:13 pm

        Sorry, he changed his settings so that I can’t see the pictures he is tagged in.. I’m so desperate why is he doing that suddenly

        • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:01 am

          You shouldn’t obsess over these small things. It doesn’t mean he is moving on. It doesn’t really mean anything. Obsessing over it is not going to help you in any way.

          • Helen December 8, 2014, 1:18 pm

            I know.. Thank you Kevin. I have stopped focusing on how long it has been since our last contact and I’m truly learning to be happy without him 🙂 I didn’t think I could make it, but positive changes even it they are hard in the beginning to make, are saving me!!
            Sometimes I’m unsure as if I want him back and sometimes I still obsess over it but its less and less intense. I think when my mind will be completely clear I will know.

            Thanks you so much for your help, I’m planing on waiting till I’m fully recovered (at least one more month of NC) and see if I want to contact him even if I feel that it should come from him after all? I don’t want to be the one engaging contact, wouldn’t it feel like being needy?

            Thanks again 🙂

          • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:06 am

            It won’t be needy if the way you communicate with him isn’t needy.

  • Jose December 2, 2014, 4:59 am

    Hi kevin. I’m almost at the end of the no contact (day 27). She have been calling me restricted everyday and i didn’t answer any of her call because i know that is her. Two days ago she called me restricted at 5 am and i answer and said hello three times. Did i brake the no contact rule? Since that day she haven’t call me anymore with restricted or anything. Should i send her the text message of the positive moment already or is that some trick she has? What should i do? Thank u for ur help kevin!

    • Kevin December 2, 2014, 10:30 am

      I don’t think you broke NC. You should contact her when NC is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.

  • Jose December 2, 2014, 11:50 am

    Hi kevin…
    I post something this morning and i didn’t see it. Please give me your advice. Thank you

  • lenoil December 2, 2014, 7:57 pm

    What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

    this happens to me after no contact rules my gf get married in three months time to her is no choice but to move on with other guy.even if she said she always going to love me forever..stupid girl i love her but wtf kind of thinking she had.

    • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:04 am

      Hey,

      Your case was certainly an exception. To be honest, I think you are better off without her.

  • cha cha December 3, 2014, 12:47 am

    how do i go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex ? contradiction

    • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:04 am

      It means go on dates with people other than your ex.

  • Lindsay December 3, 2014, 6:34 am

    I’ve tried posting for your advice a couple times and neither of them are on here. In desperate need of help.

    • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:06 am

      Hey Lindsay,

      Sorry. The comment section on this website is heavily moderated and I don’t approve most of the comments. Please post on the message boards if you have questions about your breakup or relationship.

      • Lindsay December 4, 2014, 2:11 pm

        I’ve tried that too and my messages still don’t get approved

        • Lindsay December 4, 2014, 2:22 pm

          If you could help me because I didn’t get any response from the community that would be greatly appreciated.
          About 2 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me because we were in fact having problems and fighting over the most stupid things. When he broke up with me he said he wants something to happen again eventually but wants us to grow individually first and find our happiness without each other because we were together for 9 months and in the end we weren’t very happy and fighting a lot. So he suggested we be friends and I tried numerous times but I would mess up and push the relationship on him again. I messed up recently last week and I told him if he doesn’t want anything to happen tell me and he said he did but he’s not ready right now because he doesn’t want our relationship to go right back to fighting if we get back together. He said he’s waiting for me to find my happiness and that he isn’t looking for anyone else. But he said if I cant handle it then I should let him go but I told him I didn’t want to do that and then he said then just be my friend and move on. I said I’m not ready to move on and he said then just be his friend and I told him I’d talk to him when I get myself together. Is it to late to follow how to get your ex back? Is it to late for him to miss me? What should I do? Please help

          • Kevin December 5, 2014, 6:45 am

            It’s not too late Lindsay. Follow the plan. It should work for you if you learn to be happy without him.

  • Alex December 3, 2014, 7:03 am

    I would just like to know if there is anybody out there that can say that this method has worked or not? I’ve read it and it sounds like it’s good advice but I don’t know if it will work?

    • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:08 am

      Hey Alex,

      You can read the testimonials page here. You can also find a few success stories if you go through the comments.

  • Jose December 5, 2014, 7:26 am

    Hi kevin.
    After 27 days of no contact i called my wife and told her that i wanted to talk to her. We talked and i act very desperate because i wanted to have the same relation that we had for 5 years. She told me that she needs time. We went out for two days and had sex. She was acting very insignificant with me. The third day she told me that she was going out with another person. My mind start to panic and i got mad and left her at her house. What can i do now…please help

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:10 am

      Start over again and this time don’t be desperate. There’s a checklist at the beginning of Step 4 that you should see before ending no contact.

  • SS December 6, 2014, 12:17 am

    Hi Kevin
    I wrote to you yesterday and an alert said that it was awaiting moderation.
    I’m posting again as I am desperate for your advice. Please help!
    My boyfriend (whom I still love) broke up with me last Sat, then asked me to have dinner with him the next day. I went and it was painful as he was adamant about splitting. Before he left we hugged for a long time and he said I still matter to him. He has been texting me everyday to ask how I am but last night he came over to get his things, and to return my things from him house (very final). We talked for about two hours (everything he said between the lines indicated this is IT for him), I kept it light and remained cool and positive even though I was breaking inside. Again, a long hug at the end. I’m now going to start NC after reading your advice, but I have 2 questions please:
    1. I’m due to have a surgical procedure done on Dec 15 which he’d agreed to take me to before the split (I’ll be heavily sedated). Will that be breaking NC?
    2. His birthday (Dec 24) and Christmas are coming up and I have already bought presents for him. Should I still give them to him – will it make me appear needy and desperate?
    I would really appreciate your advice. Thanks so much.

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:14 am

      Hey,

      1. It’s better if you find someone else to help you through the surgery and let him know that you no longer need him. If you can’t find someone else, then it’s OK to call him.

      2. I will recommend against giving him presents

  • Mema December 6, 2014, 6:22 am

    hey Kevin ..
    things are getting more and more complicated .. he said to me that he loves me .. many times .. I was joking at first by acting like an angry child and I said “I don’t want to talk to you any more .. I hate you” .. so he said “but I love you” .. I was surprised .. and I didn’t respond to this .. so .. he did it many times.. one time it was out of blue .. he told me that he loves me .. I don’t think he meant it as “he’s in love with me” yet .. because many times when we argue about something he reminds me that we are only friends and I have no right to argue with him about that ..
    so .. people in the forum think that I’m being needy again 🙁 .. so idk what to do or how to get rid of this .. I really could use some advice ..and that I’ve centered my life around him “they may have a point ” but I can’t help myself when I miss him 🙁 ..
    I’m doing now a short NC .. his friend from different city is staying at his place now .. and we both don’t want him to find out about us .. so I told him that I’ll wait for his calls .. so for the past 2 days .. he did call me and text me .. but yesterday I was sick and I got really bored from staying at bed .. so I called him and told him that .. the connections at his town suck .. so he could not hear me .. and we hang up ..
    anyway .. I’m not planning to talk to him till Sunday .. but I’m really worried about being needy or fall in the same mistakes I did before “he told me that I have not changed at all twice when we were arguing and this is scaring me”
    what do you think?
    I really don’t know what to do or how I’m being needy! can you help me?

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:21 am

      Mema,

      As long as you are thinking of him as the only person you want to spend your life with, you will be needy. The best way to get rid of that neediness will be to do no contact and perhaps start going on dates. Read the Step 4 of the article again.

      • Mema December 11, 2014, 7:29 am

        thanx alot Kevin .. I’ll start NC again on Saturday “today he already called me and texted me” .. I’ll tell him that I need time for me .. or I’m busy with work.. but I know that he’ll contact me ..actually he’s being nice after doing a limited NC with him .. yesterday we had a great day .. he called me immediately when there was a connection at his city .. then he texted me many times through the day .. at night he stayed up with me till 3a.m .. he told me that he doesn’t want to date right now .. and he maybe ready .. but he just doesn’t want to .. he also said I’m important in his life as much as his best friends “he can’t live without us” .. so I said I don’t like being second and I want to be NO.1 at his life .. he said you’re silly .. there’s no one like me in my life ..
        So .. my questions are ..
        for how long should I do NC in this case? “one month is too much .. and the Christmas and New year are here ”
        If he calls me what should I say?
        should I go on dates again? .. I think this will upset him alot ..
        if he sees me online and start a conversation what should I do?

        I don’t want to be rude after what has been going on ..
        he is great with me now .. acting almost like we were never broken up .. calling me .. texting me .. asking me about my day .. good night kisses ..good morning texts etc ..
        I’m really worried that he’ll move on now .. date someone else .. or do something stupid .. it’s been 2 months since the break up now ..
        I know I’m asking too much .. but I don’t want to do anything wrong at this point ..
        thanx again Kevin

  • Aly December 6, 2014, 5:08 pm

    His rebound has been telling people their relationship is complicated due to me and then his family and she has started ignoring me too.
    He had his best friend tell me yesterday I’m no longer allowed to be around him or go to their house to hang out with our mutual friends. What does this all mean?
    How can NC help him miss me while his in another relationship?

    • Aly December 7, 2014, 7:59 pm

      He ended up messaging me saying Didn’t I say we were broken up, to be clear? And continued to tell me to just accept it and leave it be and that we are never getting back together and he was just trying to spare my feelings earlier. He wasn’t talking like himself and would refuse to answer any questions, when I told him I have made great changes and things were good he said “Good for you but that won’t change anything.” I’m also sure his girlfriend is controlling what he says or does. He keeps checking my profiles still. I kept telling him I accepted the break up and agree with the break up but it seemed to do no good. What can I do?

      • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:24 am

        He probably can sense that you have not accepted the breakup and are still trying to find a way to get him back. I’ll recommend that you do no contact for at least 2 months. Stop worrying about his new relationship. There’s nothing you can do about it. It’s a rebound and it’ll probably end. The only thing you can do right now is concentrate on making yourself happy without him.

        • Aly December 9, 2014, 2:02 am

          Thank you Kevin,
          His new girlfriend is trying to be close friends with me because I took advice to be friendly to both of them. Should I be close friends with her and is there any way I could work that to my advantage?

          • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:10 am

            No, I don’t see any advantage in that.

          • Aly December 11, 2014, 11:05 pm

            Update, he keeps telling his friends his girlfriend is a “quick recovery” and that she wasn’t dating and just “agreed” to date, since she’s very illegal and his friends know shes a rebound most of them are definitely discouraging it. Some of my friends keep texting him to get back with me. Is all this discouragement of her/encouragement for me going to push him away?

          • Kevin December 12, 2014, 7:09 am

            It might. He feel like everyone is pressuring him to do something. It should be his idea to get back together. If you can do anything about your friends texting him, then you should tell them to stop it.

          • Aly December 13, 2014, 12:31 am

            It feels like many immediately around him currently are pressuring him against going back to me (mainly his new girlfriends friends). I found out he only waited a week until dating her and he keeps telling people for our entire relationship he was drunk. Today I ran into him and he hugged me and exchanged positive-neutral exchanges, basically how are you’s and the conversation lasted less than five minutes. Was this breaking NC?

          • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:37 am

            No, it wasn’t.

          • Aly December 14, 2014, 1:46 am

            I’m sure he’s taking an interest in my life due to friends saying I’ve changed for the better so hes been trying to contact me saying hes heard stories about my family and recent events in my life. Do I respond to this with positive reinforcement (Yeah everything is going great I’m doing well) or ignore him?
            I heard from his friends that recently he has been smoking a lot and it could be tied with him also rebounding, trying to find distractions and crutches.
            He however did lie to his new girlfriends sister saying he was drunk the entire time he was with me, a lie, but I don’t know how to deal with this.

          • Aly December 15, 2014, 3:35 am

            More news, our mutual saw him this weekend and said very good things, and my ex ended up messaging me about my personal life and seemed interested and intrigued, he brought me up out of curiosity to his friends and when he heard I had been going on casual dates he got jealous. He reached out to me and I kept space, my greatest fear is that its only to be friends since he said he wants to be friends to his buddies. Tonight I went on his file sharing account to find a background for my desktop that I saved to his computer before and I found out he saved all our pictures to it. He’s never kept photos of his exes before but hes keeping ours so I don’t know if this means something or not but it was interesting nonetheless.

  • sarvesh December 7, 2014, 2:32 pm

    Hello Kevin…
    I would like to ask while going through the no contact period. If our patner contacts us. Here in my case my gf. Then like you said we should avoid replying.
    But if she tends to text me and start blaming me for her terribly state right then or starts giviI g me warnings that she will never talk to me again if i don’t reply or talk to here then.. or any such relater thing. May it be asking for help or anything.
    Then how should i deal with this situation.
    What would you advise or rather suggest.
    Counting on your feedback.

    Regards
    Sarvesh

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:27 am

      If it’s a threat, blame or anything negative; ignore it. If she is texting you (something neutral or positive), then you can tell her that you need some space and time right now and you will appreciate it if she doesn’t contact you for a while.

  • Yair December 7, 2014, 6:06 pm

    Hello , I was just wondering how I could go through the no contact stage while having kids in the middle .

  • Calista December 9, 2014, 1:41 am

    Kevin,

    I have been trying NC for a couple of days and feel disappointed that my husband didn’t call me. The urge to call him is there. Should I not focus on whether he calls me or not.

    During this period, i will try my best to remove myself from his life and get rid of the neediness.

    After the NC, what’s then? My counselor said if he calls me, i should sound sad and tell him i am trying my best to move on as he is preparing to leave me. He said i need to tell him what i think but not asking him to do anything. is this approach right?

    • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:09 am

      Hey Calista,

      You shouldn’t concentrate on him calling you. It’s better that he doesn’t call you. It’ll give you the time and space to concentrate on yourself. You don’t have to sound sad when he calls, but yes you shouldn’t ask him to do anything. And you can tell him of all the positive changes you have been making. Remember, if he calls during NC, it’s better you don’t answer or just tell him you need some time and space right now and you can’t talk to him.

      • Calista December 10, 2014, 9:10 am

        Thanks for your clear reply. It soothes me a lot to hear that it is better for him not to call me. I thought that the more he calls me, the more he is interested in me.

  • Luke December 9, 2014, 7:05 am

    met up with my ex, it was nice and i bought up loads of “bliss” moments, at the end we had a mature chat and we both still have feelings for eachother, but she said she still has a few negative feelings about what happened after the break up and needs time because its the first time shes been single for a long time. She got out of her rebound nearly a month ago, im afraid to wait longer because she has so many guy friends who try to get with her. I think shes trying to put me in the friendzone as well. Whats my next step? Soon should i ask her to hang out again?

    • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:11 am

      Give her time. The fear of losing her might work against you. You still have the upper hand. No other guy has a history with her like you do and she already agreed she has feelings for you. I’ll recommend you take the time and start exploring your options as well.

  • Alex December 9, 2014, 2:09 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I purchased your book regarding how to get your ex back in July after my ex and I took a break. He officially broke up with me in September, and the breakup ended really badly. I was in tears and said a lot of things I didn’t mean like I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. He said the main reason was because he wanted to focus on his career, even though he really does love me and always will. The truth is I really do want him back. Since that time I haven’t reached out to him at all, and unfollowed a lot of his social media. I know he has been out dating, which hurts like hell.. but I don’t know what to do. Can you help? I am afraid if I continue to not contact him, he never will contact me and I might lose him forever. I just don’t know what to say if I do. I’ve been so angry seeing all of the girls he’s been messing around with and out partying with. It hurts so much. Any advice?

    • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:13 am

      Hey Alex,

      I’ll recommend you continue no contact until you have healed and you are feeling more confident and secure. After that, you can contact him and follow the plan.

      • Alex December 11, 2014, 2:25 am

        Thank you Kevin. I just worry if I don’t reach out he will move on to date someone else and I will lose him forever. Unfortunately with his career he has women chasing him like none other. I guess I may be insecure but I just really do love him and miss my best friend.

        • Kevin December 11, 2014, 8:56 am

          Even if he dates someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean he will move on. Even if he starts a relationship with someone, it’ll probably a rebound. You need to calm down and stop worrying about it. The alternative is to keep pestering him which will make you look desperate and unattractive.

  • Hardcharger December 10, 2014, 3:29 am

    Hey Kevin
    My ex and I dated for six years and were engaged. Things started happening we were getting too comfortable and small little things started us on a downward spiral for the last six months and she pulled the trigger . I was devastated at first for a few weeks and then slowly started coming out of the grief . We had very little contact for the first month only some housekeeping texts about shared bills and other things . It’s been two months and I knly made one mistake in the deadly mistakes and was blocked for it . Almost two weeks later I had the urge to send out a text and to my surprise it was read ! I was no longer blocked! I didn’t do anything hasty I left it at that but my plan is just to send a subtle good morning text every morning and nothing more . What do you think? I have seen other women and notice that so many things I got angry about with my ex were things that almost every one of these new women had as well . It all seems so insignificant now because I know I took things for granted . I would love to hear your thoughts on my story Kevin . And thanks

    • Kevin December 11, 2014, 9:00 am

      I won’t recommend the good morning texts. Follow the plan. You have a good chance.

      • hardcharger December 11, 2014, 10:28 am

        I’m just unsure of my next move. I have an entire life now that is seperate hanging out with friends and hobbies. I don’t know what my next move is?

        • Kevin December 12, 2014, 5:11 am

          Do one month of no contact. Then send her a text.

          • Hardcharger December 14, 2014, 5:00 pm

            How about a merry christmas text . Christmas will have been a month since deadly mistake and a little over two weeks for the texts. Also what do I do when I inevitably see her downtown when I go out?
            Appreciate the replies Kevin!

          • Kevin December 16, 2014, 10:51 am

            I wouldn’t recommend Christmas text. Only send it if you think it’ll be extremely rude of you not to wish her Merry Christmas. If you see her, keep the conversation short and treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.

  • Karen December 10, 2014, 9:09 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I have been posting numerous times and it says “awaiting moderation”.

    • Kevin December 11, 2014, 9:01 am

      Hey,

      I replied to you here.

  • Tommys83 December 10, 2014, 9:58 am

    Hi There Kevin

    I have purchased the Ryan Rivers relationship rewind book and I am close to finnishing it.
    I have also been reading your emails and they have been very helpfull and interesting. Even they have both been great reads and quite interesting and helpfull in parts, I have knid of lost my optimisim I had before I read it.

    I know the stage I am at is Deaths door and the thing is, I feel I wont be able to get her back now because of a couple of tips and reasons you have given me and what I have read in the book advising me to steer clear of, which I have ALREADY done before I discovered relationshiprewind.

    I chased and chased her going down the “Do anything to get her back route” for about a month after I found some txts on her phone from a guy she met at a hotel on business, who she works with and now really likes, but I dont think he likes her as much.

    She left our flat to stay at her mums and I bombarded her with phone calls, txts, emails etc to ask what had happened and plead with her that things will be better between us and I know it just made me push her away further.

    My head was a mess and I lost all control of my emotions, even when I saw her, when she had to come back to the flat. I just kept on losing it.

    To be honest its my first long term relationship at 3 and half years and I put a lot of it down to in-experience. Reading back over the guides, I should have moved out myself calmly when I read the txts and we would have been at one of the earlier stages and it would have been easier to turn things around.

    Anyway, I now havent spoken to her for 4 days. The last time I spoke to her she pretty much said she hated me and to leave her alone…….I know I love her and untill probably the last 6 months, she really did love me. And I know she IS the one…….I dont know what to do and I am really struggling.
    Any help, tips and advice for this situation would be very much appreciated.
    Many Thanks
    Tom

    • Kevin December 11, 2014, 8:52 am

      Tommy, follow the plan. You still have a chance.

  • yk December 11, 2014, 12:23 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    So I took your advise and asked her out over the text messaging few days ago. She texted back and said “possibly :)”. I took it as a positive sign and asked her this weekend schedule. And I suggested this saturday night. Then she told me that she didn’t realize she was agreeing to weekend nighttime event. So we ended up talking on the phone, and she started questions the reason of the “gathering”….etc. Also she said if there is no time limitation (weekend night), we might make a “mistake” (we have a history of doing this several months ago). She told me that she doesn’t intend to get back together (mixed signals), and I told her the reason for the meeting is just to catch up. However, she suggested to come to my house last night and wanted to walk my dog together…. I’m not sure how to handle the situation right now. Should I take her “I dont intend to get back together” comment seriously, and cut all the ties before I get burned too much?

    • Kevin December 12, 2014, 5:15 am

      Go on the walk with her. Have a good time. Even if she doesn’t want to get back together, she is giving you an opportunity to change her mind. Just don’t try to convince her to get back together. Keep hanging out with her and having fun with her for a while. She will probably change her mind eventually. If she doesn’t show any signs in the 3-4 dates (or more depending on how long you want to wait for her), then you should bring up getting back together. If she still says no, then you should cut contact with her and move on.

  • Marcus December 12, 2014, 5:13 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I’m a 38 year old man and my ex girlfriend of two and a half years decided she wanted out of the relationship. She is thirty one years old. Over the last year we had a number of clashes over trivial things and recently it was her birthday and a few days before that we had a clash and didn’t speak resulting in me missing her birthday because I didn’t think she wanted to hear from me. Of course that didn’t come down well. We made up after and I thought things were cool however a few days later she broke up with me. I was seriously upset.

    We have since met up on a few occasions and had a good time resulting in her asking me out to attend a function with her, then she went cold when she didn’t know if she’d be able to bring me? Even though originally she said that if she couldn’t we could do something else.

    Since we haven’t spoken for over a week now.
    I’m at a lost as to what to do. If you can help that would be great.

    Cheers, Marcus

    • Kevin December 12, 2014, 7:09 am

      Follow the plan Marcus.

      • Marcus December 12, 2014, 12:07 pm

        Kevin, thank you for acknowledging my message. I have read about your NC rule and have started on the road to recovery. Officially this is day 4 without sending anything to her.

        I didn’t mention earlier that on two different occasions my ex said to me that she is confused but would not elaborate further then she said that she was scared, again without explaining. So I told her that we could talk about it if and when your ready.

        Also the day after we last spoke when she said that she might not be able to take me with her to the function, she had an assessment at her work which was going to be signed off if she had been successful which I know she will have been. I didn’t make any contact to see how she had gotten on because I guess after the previous days conversation I was extremely disappointed in what she said to me as it felt like I was an option for her and not a priority.

        I had also sent her a message on Saturday just gone to say that I thought she would have just called or messages me to tell me if she was going or not. Her reply was “I’m not going anyway”. If felt like she was annoyed in how she responded.

        The following morning I sent her a text message telling her that I just saw something which reminded me of her which is something I had done about 2 weeks ago and went down well. This time around I didn’t get a reply!

        Any additional advice would be massive Kevin and I’m sorry to bother you with my problems.

        Cheers,

        Marcus

        • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:32 am

          Hey Marcus,

          Just continue no contact and use this time to become a happier and confident person.

          • Marcus December 13, 2014, 9:10 am

            Yes Kevin,

            Thank you for the continued advice. I will definitely do that!!!

            Do you think I still have a chance of getting her back?

            When she initially broke the news to me that she wanted out she said that she never changes her mind, yet then her actions and comments at times suggest that she’s not fully convinced she’s done the right thing.

          • Kevin December 15, 2014, 10:09 am

            Hey Marcus,

            Yes, you do have a chance. A lot of people say that but change their minds later.

          • Marcus December 16, 2014, 11:15 am

            Hi Kevin,

            I mentioned this previously but I don’t think you saw it.

            I unfortunately just found out she has blocked me on whatsapp not through contacting her though. Very disappointing! I don’t know why she would do that with me. I feel gutted and very sad. Have to pick myself up again : (

            Hope all is good with you though man!

          • Kevin December 17, 2014, 3:58 am

            Hey Marcus,

            Don’t take it hard. There could be many reasons for her to do so. Since you were not texting her constantly, the reason she did it was probably for her peace of mind or to get a reaction out of you. Don’t overthink it and continue with the plan.

          • marcus December 17, 2014, 6:09 am

            Kevin thank you so much for always helping!

            I decided to write her a hand written letter and posted it this morning.
            I was reading Relationship Rewind and decided to chance it having thought long and hard about it. I actual used most of the example that is in the book as it was fairly accurate to what I’ve been going through.
            I definitely feel as though she is indifferent towards me and I am at deaths door.
            I don’t feel like I have made a mistake. She has over the last 2-3 weeks
            You stopped all communication with me. Stopped responding to my messages and I don’t know why? She has told me that she misses me, loves me, that she is confused, scared without explaining either, to I’m her best friend. Invited me out with her to spend time together then for it not to happen, shown me affection and all of a sudden she’s gone cold with me resulting in what I know now is that she blocked me.
            Then two days ago she called me at night but I missed her call so I called her back 15 minutes later but she didn’t get back to me. So I hung back yesterday thinking she would call but she never did so I thought I should send the letter.

            I hope now after what you said to me Kevin I haven’t messed up?

            Thanks,

            Marcus

          • Kevin December 18, 2014, 8:36 am

            Hey Marcus,

            That letter in relationship rewind is more suitable if you are in the Drift stage and not Death’s door. If she doesn’t respond to that, I’ll recommend you continue no contact for another month.

          • Marcus December 18, 2014, 11:04 am

            Hey Kevin,

            Damn seems like I may have messed up there then. We are not at the drift stage as she ended it a few weeks back now. She is so stubborn and probably won’t get in contact once she has read the letter. She’s been acting so erratic but now hasn’t replied to anything after appearing happy with me/us. So it’s looking like another month of no contact then?

            Should I wish her a Merry Christmas or not?

            Thank you for your continued support

            Marcus

          • Kevin December 19, 2014, 3:46 am

            It wouldn’t hurt. But I think it’s better if you don’t.

          • Marcus December 18, 2014, 11:10 am

            I was hoping the letter would generate some kind of positive response from her as I have had nothing and I really don’t know why she is being so horrible to me Kevin?

          • Marcus December 21, 2014, 11:42 am

            Hi Kevin,

            Okay I won’t send a Christmas greeting.
            She received the letter that I sent and phoned to tell me on Thursday. She asked me if I was busy which at the time I was, so she said that she just called to tell me she had received the letter (initially sounding cheerful). I said I would call her back in a bit, which she said was fine. Half an hour later I called but she didn’t pick up. The four hours later I called again and she didn’t pick up again, however she called back half an hour later. I said that I called you back unsuccessfully is decided to call again and her response was very flippant “well we’re speaking now”. Her tone during the short conversation seemed different to earlier. I’m assuming that maybe now she had read the letter. I didn’t feel comfortable with how she was sounding and didn’t let her know anything personal about was I had a busy day. I just wished her a goodnight and said goodbye.

            She didn’t mention anything in the letter, not even the fact that I know she has blocked me on the messaging service or any of the other content.

            So since, I haven’t spoken to her as I feel she is just playing mind games with me which I don’t wish to play. She even in a previous call the day before tried to engage me with a sarcastic comment which I ignored. It’s very disappointing but I do feel peace within my heart that I am not the problem and that her ending our relationship won’t fix what she is going through. It just means that I’m not there to constantly be thee for her not down to my own doing though.

            Kevin, what do you think my next move should be?

            Thanks for your continued help!!!

          • Kevin December 22, 2014, 9:56 am

            Still do no contact for a month or two and try contacting her again.

          • Marcus December 23, 2014, 3:06 pm

            Hi Kevin,

            I will continue with NC as you suggest. I guess I haven’t got anything else to lose. The last couple of times that we did spoke she doesn’t show me any respect in how she converses with me, which is disappointing. Even when speaking and I said I will send her a message to see if she receives it as she said she hasn’t blocked me, she doesn’t reply once it has been delivered.
            She is just playing games with me I feel.

            I just read your email and your right about logic. When emotions are involved logic has very little impact. I’m just being myself even when she is being rude…I don’t recognise the person she has become with me.

            If I don’t hear back from you, have a great Christmas Kevin and thank you for your help. It’s nice to know someone is out there who can sympathise with you.

            Marcus

          • Kevin December 24, 2014, 5:14 am

            You have a great Christmas too Marcus. Good luck!!

          • Marcus January 13, 2015, 5:30 pm

            Hi Kevin,

            Happy New Year to you and yours.

            To up date, I had started the NC as suggested yet my ex contacted me and we had a pleasant chat on the phone for quite a while, even arranging to meet up to hang out. Which was going fine until we ended up talking about her misleading signals and then she started being very horrible and left only to then call me later on to apologise for what she said. We then spoke again for a while and I said that I will become a ghost to you and you will never hear from me again and she said did I say I wanted you to do that.
            I then suggested that she keeps on having a go no matter what I say.

            But it’s like everything made sense to me in that she has some serious problems. I realised that she holds on to trivial things and likes to try to control me by bringing them up but I pointed out to her that I never pushed you away, and it doesn’t matter how much you try to put me down, it will never work as I’m too strong for that and I said I’m a damn good catch and I deserve better.
            I would love to type up everything that was said but it’s so pathetic!
            I also went on to say that I’m not going to knock on her door any more. Why knock on someone’s door who does not open. I’ll knock on someones door who will open it instead.

            We last spoke over a week ago and I’m fine with that.
            I am not attracted to her alter ego any more and I am embracing the fact that there are plenty more beautiful women out there who will appreciate a good man.

            Marcus

          • Kevin January 14, 2015, 8:45 am

            That’s great Marcus. It’s refreshing to see this change in you. I am glad to hear that you are no longer obsessed over getting her back and are able to see her what she really is. Good luck.

  • Sunday December 12, 2014, 5:42 am

    Hi, I posted a question here and I don’t know where it went. Where’s the best place to put it?

    • Kevin December 12, 2014, 7:10 am

      Hey,

      The best place to post it will be the message boards. Comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them.

  • Helen December 12, 2014, 6:26 am

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex sent me a very generic private message wishing me a happy birthday and asking how everything was going, we’ve been NC for 3 weeks should I reply? In what way?

    Thank you for the help!

    • Helen December 12, 2014, 12:12 pm

      I responded saying everything was good and asked about him
      Is that ok? I don’t think he will reply and I’m ok with that I just hope its not too much of a deal that I added the what about you part. The message was very short and positive.

      I’m planing to do one more month of NC and see if I want to try to contact him like you said in a way that is not needy.
      What do you think, is it bad sign if he doesn’t answer? Is it good that he reached out to me?
      He is going to travel to another country for business for a few days.
      Thank you for the support again I wouldn’t have make it without your advises !!

      Helen x

      • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:33 am

        It’s not necessarily a bad sign if he doesn’t respond. There could be many reasons for that. Don’t worry about it. Yes, follow no contact before contacting him again. Good luck!

        • Helen December 14, 2014, 7:52 am

          Thank you Kevin, I will do my best and we’ll see what happens in a month, but in the meantime I’ll make sure I keep following your plan 200%. I feel like I’m halfway, sometimes I feel kind of over him, confident like I should and everything feels great again! Some days are harder. I guess its just a matter of time and how the process goes.
          But do you think that its still good that he reached out? I know we were together for a long time, but it doesn’t mean he was obliged to send me that message, especially if he didn’t care anymore. And could it be that he is scared that we’ll start talking again and that will mean not being consistent with his decision?

          Many thanks Kevin x !

          • Helen December 16, 2014, 12:43 pm

            Do you think there is still a chance ? I don’t know what to think about the all situation I know I shouldn’t care, but what do you think about it given my previous posts ?

            🙁

            Thanks Kevin for helping us all !!!

          • Kevin December 17, 2014, 4:01 am

            Ex wishing you happy birthday is not necessarily a good sign. It might just be a courtesy text. You still have a chance though. But you should also understand there is a chance it might not work and be mentally prepared for it.

        • Helen December 26, 2014, 6:24 am

          Hello Kevin and Merry Christmas!

          It’s been 2 weeks since the bday wishes from my ex, and as I thought he didn’t respond (my reply was ending with a “what about you” because he asked me how I was doing). I’m really tempted to send him something but I guess I should wait few more weeks?
          I have no idea what is happening in his life and I don’t know what to think. I saw him last via webcam about a month ago and IRL about 3 months ago, BU was 4 months ago… It is such a long time! :/
          I ‘m sad that he didn’t reply, and I feel that he has just forgotten all about me already. I mean why didn’t he even reply a generic “I’m okay”?!
          I have no idea what to do, the more time goes the less I see how I would still matter to him when I contact him..

          Thank you for your reply x !

  • Mema December 12, 2014, 8:34 am

    thanx alot Kevin .. I’ll start NC again on Saturday “today he already called me and texted me” .. I’ll tell him that I need time for me .. or I’m busy with work.. but I know that he’ll contact me ..actually he’s being nice after doing a limited NC with him .. yesterday we had a great day .. he called me immediately when there was a connection at his city .. then he texted me many times through the day .. at night he stayed up with me till 3a.m .. he told me that he doesn’t want to date right now .. and he maybe ready .. but he just doesn’t want to .. he also said I’m important in his life as much as his best friends “he can’t live without us” .. so I said I don’t like being second and I want to be NO.1 at his life .. he said you’re silly .. there’s no one like me in my life ..
    So .. my questions are ..
    for how long should I do NC in this case? “one month is too much .. and the Christmas and New year are here ”
    If he calls me what should I say?
    should I go on dates again? .. I think this will upset him alot ..
    if he sees me online and start a conversation what should I do?

    I don’t want to be rude after what has been going on ..
    he is great with me now .. acting almost like we were never broken up .. calling me .. texting me .. asking me about my day .. good night kisses ..good morning texts etc ..
    I’m really worried that he’ll move on now .. date someone else .. or do something stupid .. it’s been 2 months since the break up now ..
    I know I’m asking too much .. but I don’t want to do anything wrong at this point ..
    thanx again Kevin

    • Mema December 12, 2014, 8:01 pm

      so my ex and I we were talking tonight .. so it was an honest conversation .. he told me that he feels I’m pressuring him .. and sometimes he wishes that he had never unblocked me .. and I’m one of the most important people in his life .. but I’ll never be NO.1 again.. so one thing led to another .. I asked him of he will never think of us getting back again .. and he prefers dieing over getting back to our relationship ..
      I was really surprised .. so I asked for further details .. he got mad .. and told me he’s going to sleep and that we’ll never be anything more than friends and if I ever brought this topic up he’ll block me again ..
      I’m afraid that he’ll block me again now ..
      I think my case is hopeless now .. and it’s time to move on .. 🙁

      • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:35 am

        Hey Mema,

        At this point, I will recommend you to move on. Cut all contact from him. Even if he tries to contact you, do not respond. Unfollow him from all social media and don’t keep any tabs on him through friends.

        Even if you have a chance with him, this is the only course of action that will actually work. Otherwise, he will keep stringing you along and playing with your emotions.

        • Mema December 13, 2014, 8:56 pm

          Thanks Kevin .. today he talked to me .. we had good time .. he said he doesn’t want to get back together .. because he hated our relationship last year.. and he thinks we’ll never work .. but he has feelings for me ..
          could it be that he had his defence up yesterday? or I’m really indefrent to him?
          any way .. I told him I need time to myself .. and it may take a day or two .. but I’m planning to cut him off till Christmas .. and if he calls me I won’t reply .. what do you think?

          • Mema December 14, 2014, 12:44 pm

            Kevin do you think that I have a chance ? ..
            I really want him back 🙁

          • Kevin December 15, 2014, 10:37 am

            Good plan. He does have feelings for you and is not indifferent. But you are giving him too much power and he will keep stringing you along for a long time if you let him.

        • Mema December 15, 2014, 3:20 pm

          I’m afraid that I lost him .. I really want him back ASAP .. I can’t take it .. being in a situation like .. I feel like he’s keeping me on his hook ..
          I want to be able to talk to him and win him back too .. 🙁
          it looks like false friendship is not working .. or I was doing it wrong ..
          yesterday he admitted that no friends calls each other when they wake up or give each other a good night kiss -_- ..
          but he’s not willing to get back at me ..
          it seems like he hasn’t recovered from my break up with him .. he said that will never forget what happened the last year ..
          should I do NC .. I will miss him alot .. and it’ll hurt .. but I can keep myself busy ..also I’m really afraid 🙁 .. or should I continue the False Friendship but reduce my contact with him to minimum? .. like once every couple of days?
          I want him to forget what happened the last year and focus on our first 2 years .. I’m hopeless and feeling really Down 🙁

          • Kevin December 16, 2014, 10:53 am

            Hey Mema,

            You might still have a chance. But you will have to follow what I said in my last comment.

  • KellieAlexis December 12, 2014, 9:45 pm

    Hi Kevin

    I purchased relationship rewind thought my ex was indifferent after attempting to create the false friendship so wrote him the magic letter. Weirdly about 15 minutes after I posted the letter, he text me to say we can’t catch up because he was worried I would get emotional and to wait until after Christmas.

    Of course I replied and said I was fine but if he was comfortable with that, then ok. I believe one of the reasons we broke up was because he has children in another city and I had told him I was going to have Christmas with him and meet them. The relationship with his children’s mother is quite stressful on him and he suffers depression. We were together for 18 months, very happy but I noticed a severe decline in his depression after the Christmas decision. His reason for us breaking up was that he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore.

    Anyways, we stayed quite friendly since the break up 2.5 months ago and have never said a bad word to each other. In fact we never really had any arguments throughout our relationship and never said bad things to each other.

    He got my letter about 5 days ago and responded by text. His text said he had recieved it and read it and that was the reason he doesn’t want to catch up, because I am still in love with him and want to get back together and it isn’t going to happen, but we will catch up after Christmas or once I no longer have feelings for him, if that is ok with me.

    I followed the letter to the T.
    My question now is if there is still a chance? He seems to still care a lot about me but has other things going on that he needs to sort out. I have since began NC again, and it has been 5 days. Would love to hear your views.
    Thanks! K

    • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:38 am

      Hey,

      You do have a chance but it seems slim. But I think it’s worth trying again. NC will definitely help. Use this time to make positive changes and follow the 5 step plan and use death’s door in relationship rewind.

      • KellieAlexis December 13, 2014, 2:22 pm

        Thanks Kevin. Slim chance is not what I wanted to hear but it is comforting to have an opinion. Thank you. I actually felt quite relaxed, calm and at ease after the text he sent about the letter, and still do so I guess that is a good thing.
        I will use deaths door. Thank you

        • KellieAlexis December 13, 2014, 2:47 pm

          I also should add that I’m 31, just purchased a brand new home on my own which he encouraged me to do while we were still together as I really wanted to. I am also almost finished a degree to become a lawyer while working full time which he was really supported me through when I had assessments and exams due by coming around and making me dinner and keeping his distance when he knew I had to study as I am great at procrastinating. So all in all I think he does care about me, and respects me but that maybe he feels he will be holding me back from my big dreams.

          • Kevin December 16, 2014, 10:43 am

            That’s great Kellie. I think being successful and having a great life without him will definitely increase your chances.

  • Christal December 13, 2014, 5:47 am

    Hi Kevin. You got me teary eyed with your reply.
    Im only 18 years old, yes he was my FIRST that is why i am terribly hurt right now. but i know how reality works, there will be a time where love fades out, but NOW, i can’t handle it. the reason why he broke up with me is that, according to him I am childish and some of my expressions are exaggerated. Can you please give me some advice to fix myself and to be a LADY and no longer a girl. yes you were right, i dont simple want him back, I WANT TO KEEP HIM FOREVER. thank you so much, you dont know how much relieved i am hearing THE PERFECT WORDS (from you) to heal my melancholic heart.

  • Christal December 13, 2014, 9:31 am

    hi Kevin. my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days after our 9th month. last december 9,2014. I was terribly hurt because he slapped it on my face that his LOVE fades out. it very hard to accept his reasons. I cant really accept it. He was my first BOYFRIEND, i am deeply in love with him, its so hard to accept that he doesn’t love me anymore. is it really possible ? is it really possible that his love will never be mine again? please help me with this. before i got to read your article, i have done the biggest mistake. I called him (he rejected it) and still i texted him and he was like replying like i’m just a friend. i really want him back, and if having him back means having NO CONTACT with him for 30 days, IM GONNA DO IT. no matter how hard it is. I hope your suggestions will help me. please can you please tell me if is it possible that he will no longer want me back in his life? our break up is so heart breaking, we were in good terms that week. i dont understand why he end up saying he wanted us to end. i was really crying in front of him, were on the street that moment. i cant even talk that moment cause every tim i try to utter words i sob. he explained to me that i was too childish, and because of that he wanted us to end. he hugged me when he’s saying those words, he even kissed me that time. he wipe my tears. and that’s making it more painful, he’s still caring though he slapped those words. for now I want to think that he just wanted some space for him to analyze everything. BUT I MISSED HIM SO MUCH! soo much. yesterday I figured out his faceoook password (for the first time) it was the very first time for me to open his account. i checked his messages to check if his having an affair to someone. but i found nothing. but there is a conversation with his friend that he was kinda tired of my childish actions. he says sometimes i am too sweet. what should i do to make him realize that our relationship is worth fighting for. can you please give me some advice on how to be mature, and what boys really wants. please Kevin i badly need some advice here 🙁 🙁

    • Kevin December 15, 2014, 10:21 am

      Hey,

      First of all, stop checking his Facebook messages. No good can come from that. And yes, you have to do no contact for 30 days. Since it was your first relationship, I’ll even recommend more than 30 days. Perhaps 45-60 days. You have a chance but read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 before ending no contact.

  • Marcus December 13, 2014, 11:36 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I unfortunately just found out she has blocked me on whatsapp not through contacting her though. Very disappointing! I don’t know why she would do that with me. I feel gutted and very sad. Have to pick myself up again : (

  • Nick December 16, 2014, 12:29 am

    Hey Kevin, i’m trying to get my ex girlfriend back. She is one of the independent ones. I liked her for a year and a half and this August we started to date but broke up October 4th. It’s been like 2 months and we had some contact. Saw each other like 3 times and we friends right now but i still like her. i Made a mistake to date another girl like a month after. I was so lost i know i shouldn’t have done it but i can’t take it back. I’m trying to get her back and i’m going to be meeting her Thursday December 18th, 2014 because i got her a Christmas gift. It’s a 5lb chocolate bar and i picture of her and her grandpa who died last year on Christmas eve. I’m looking for any advice that you can give me. OIh and when i was dating this girl i met her for the first time November 2nd and i told her that i can’t go along like this. Dating a girl when i still have feeling for you. So any advice thanks!

    • Kevin December 16, 2014, 10:57 am

      Hey Nick,

      I will not recommend giving her any gifts. Especially something that shows you still want her back. Follow the plan. Do no contact for a few months and then contact her casually.

      • Nick December 19, 2014, 7:30 am

        Hey So i’ve been getting your emails and they have helped a lot. I had to do the gifts because i already bought them and it went great. Turns out she’s getting me a gift so i’m glad i did it. I wasn’t in her best guy friend list. Idk if that means im not a guy friend or there is a special place for me. Anyway i don’t know what to do now. I gave her the gift we hugged 3 times, we also talked for 35 min in person and thought we were going to kiss at the last hug which was the goodbye one but i just don’t know what to do now.

        • Kevin December 20, 2014, 10:09 am

          I am glad it went well. I’ll suggest you do NC for a couple of weeks or a month and contact her again.

          • Nick December 20, 2014, 10:36 am

            Alright thanks again for all your help so far. Talk to ya in a month.

  • Aly December 16, 2014, 2:26 am

    Hey Kevin, more news, our mutual friend spoke with him today and my ex actually started panicking that we were going to date and started contacting me asking if I liked his friend, and when I reject the friend that I should not hurt him. My ex told his friend he had emotions, that he also hasn’t worked through some feelings too. Then when our friend said he liked me my ex said he didn’t love me and had no emotions what so ever. Which seems contrary to the panicking and earlier statement about emotions in my opinion, as well as contacting me and keeping all our photos. He inquired about my life and conversation between our friend and I, and explicitly said he was curious. I responded briefly and positively. Needless to say it feels like he’s sending out mixed messages, but our friends definitely have peaked his interest and curiosity, if not also jealousy. I summed up our brief exchange with a “By the way, thank you” and left without a real explanation as to why, to keep the curiosity going.
    Additionally I found out the rebound is slightly similar to me and hes keeping it a secret especially from his family that disapproves.
    Any thoughts and ideas on what I can do? Do you think he still loves me or has feelings? Currently I’m just trying to have as much limited contact as possible while using curiosity and jealousy to my advantage.

    • Kevin December 16, 2014, 11:00 am

      Yes, it seems he still has feelings. If your no contact isn’t finished till now, I’ll recommend you don’t contact him anymore. You shouldn’t have replied to his messages in the first place if you are in the no contact period. Continue no contact and let him be curious. If he contacts again, tell him you need space and time and you are not ready to discuss your private life with him yet.

      • Aly December 17, 2014, 3:00 am

        The No Contact seems to be getting increasingly different since I see him in our shared course about 2 to 3 times a week and since we have mutual friends. Today he decided to sit next to me after having his mind wrecked by jealousy/worrying due to our mutual friend getting him curious, and so he tried to ask me questions, make small talk, even briefly brushing against me and touching me. Later during the day I went to a mutual friends when they got off work and a few hours later my ex showed up to hang out. Our friend left to pick up groceries and my ex and I were left alone and he tried once again to talk to me. I had to get home so my ex volunteered to drive me home and it was storming so we ended up parking since the roads were getting flooded, in any case for an hour he let out some of his feelings about our past, that he felt I handled things poorly, was dependent, and was overwhelming, which I already knew. I tried my best to be brief, keep him curious, and let him do the talking. Not at any single point did he mention his rebound girlfriend. He mentioned we should go to a Christmas party, and that he was upset that I haven’t been inviting him to go out with our friends and that I should. He kept touching my legs or brushing his hand against mine and when he finally dropped me off he gave me a few long hugs. I have the worry still that he just wants to be friends, how can I avoid being friendzoned? And in any case, how do I handle having a class with him and encounters with mutual friends? It seems like hes stopped ignoring me and taken an interest back in my life thanks to good news from friends, do I just cut him off cold right now and move away in class and avoid seeing my friends? Also he told me that of recent he’s been spending a majority of his time at home, in class, or asleep, his girlfriend didn’t contact him at all in the time I was with him, which makes me wonder where is she in all this? He started dating her a week after we broke up after we dated for over half a year and yet she seems really absent.

        • Kevin December 17, 2014, 3:57 am

          Hey Aly,

          I will still recommend you do no contact because you haven’t done any till now. Just tell him you need some time and space to deal with the breakup. If you don’t want to do no contact, you can continue letting him chase you for a while and see where it goes. If you decide to continue being in touch with him, make sure you don’t show any signs of neediness and appear confident and happy at all times.

          • Aly December 21, 2014, 11:13 pm

            Things were going extremely well. We even Skyped for four hours. But an ex friend of mine told his girlfriend I wanted him back, his girlfriend attacked me over Facebook, went to him, told him to never speak to me again. He said okay, then told her he would never go back to me and was just putting up with me.

            I told her if that was true, he wouldn’t offer me rides home, choose to Skype me, choose to hang out with me, ask me to invite him to events.
            She blocked me after running to him about how she doesn’t trust him.

            So I guess my friendship with her is over.

            What is going on with him?

          • Kevin December 22, 2014, 9:57 am

            Hey Aly,

            I can’t say what’s going on with him. He is in a complicated situation. He still has feelings for you and is probably trying to be a good boyfriend to his rebound. I’ll be a good idea to stay away from him for a while and let their relationship blow over.

  • Andy December 17, 2014, 8:17 am

    Kevin,

    Given that the ‘proof of the pudding is in the eating’, did the 5 step plan work for you?

  • liela December 17, 2014, 1:32 pm

    Hey Kevin. I have posted 2 times and you still haven’t responded to them.
    I really need your advice and I don’t know why my comments are not approved yet.
    Can you help me?

    • Kevin December 18, 2014, 8:39 am

      Hey,

      The comments over here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can ask your relationship questions on the message boards.

  • Joyce Cueto December 17, 2014, 2:22 pm

    This is a really good article, I like it. But I wish I had read it a lot sooner because now I feel like I messed up on the “no contact” method.. Although I think this is what I’m going to start doing. I hope it works.

  • Jon December 19, 2014, 8:43 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I’ve had a read of all your response and questions posed to you, unfortunately I haven’t found anything similar to my situation. I’ll try and be as concise as possible without dragging this message out to long.

    I was in a relationship for 2 years with my now ‘ex’ she honestly is the best girl I have ever met, however, towards then end I let my anger get the better of me. She would make silly mistakes and I would just be so very hurtful and awful to her, I’d say some shit that you should never say to someone you love, I’ve actually done the same thing to my parents and best mate before as well, having a venomous tongue has really hindered me for a while, but I never thought it would get this far.

    The last time it happened, it was the last straw and my girlfriend ending things, it has now been 5 days since she ended it. Sorry, I should fill you in prior to that, after my final mistake, she agreed to give me one month to prove myself. The day after things were good we even passionately kissed at her house, the next day we went to lunch, unfortunately she burst into tears just looking at me, it really made me feel like a monster! that night she asked to walk the dogs the next day and we did, things were okay not as they used to be but definitely not appalling. That night she ended things.. saying she just couldn’t ever get over the hurt i’ve caused, i found out that her best friend was over that night who doesn’t like me and influences her heavily! so it really pissed me off. Also at night when we were in person ending it, i was at the door and i said if you want us done ill leave, and she just couldnt say it, we went back upstairs and spoke for another 2 hours but she just can’t bring herself to get over it and forgive me. It really sucks! the days after i was texting her frantically, essentially doing everything you’re not supposed to do. I now haven’t spoken to her for 2 days which is good, it’s really hard for me not to contact her but I feel it’s the only chance I’ve got of getting her back is getting her to miss me. I told her if she has any doubt to contact me. Which still hasn’t happened. In the mean time I have worked a lot on myself, I will never be venomous with my tongue like that again as this has been a major life lesson, so I’m definitely going to improve myself, I’ve promised her it would never happen again if we got back together.

    My question to you is, is there else I can do to improve my chances?

    A response would mean a lot mate.

    G’day from Australia

    • Kevin December 20, 2014, 10:12 am

      Hey Jon,

      You can join some sort of support group or start therapy which will show her you are really making an effort to make changes.

    • Australia December 20, 2014, 12:53 pm

      Kevin makes a good suggestion. On top of that, start NC immediately.

  • Australia December 20, 2014, 1:04 am

    I don’t know what to think any more. My ex started seeing someone at the beginning of November. This was during NC (which I purposefully made very long). I reached out at the beginning of December to create a friendship.

    She didn’t tell me about her relationship, I deduced it. Her behaviour gave her away immediately. She didn’t really want to talk about it. She just said that they were hanging out and it became more serious recently. I did know that they were hanging after our break up and I guess they kind of got together. He’s really not her type, different to me in quite a few ways, but not all. I do know that he says he loves her, but I am not sure about her mindset. There’s not much facebook interaction, just a little, a lot of shock expressed by mutual friends on the relationship announcement. A heart on a post, very minimal, no express I love you from her to him.
    Based on the ‘ex want you back’ and ‘rebound relationship posts’, only half ever hits it.

    The situation is complicated by the fact that we own property together which I have decided to just sign over so I can get that debt out of my life. I am not sure if it is the wisest decision as I put my savings into it, but the other option is her leaving the property and I feel like that will forever make her a bully in my eyes as she couldn’t afford to pay me back for at least four to five years. I have done a lot to improve my life, but I couldn’t achieve all my goals (damn waitlisting at school!). I went on dates, but they just didn’t click.

    I was terrible after the break up, always probing for the real reason, when I finally stopped and thought, I found many flaws with how I acted, how she acted, and what finally lead to the demise. Essentially I was too available and it was making me unattractive to her.

    I had some gut wrenching days when I first confirmed the relationship, after all, this girl broke my heart telling me she needed time to herself, to work on herself. She would have no time, between work and school, etc. Hurts when you find out she is dating someone. The only good thing she said to me was that if he had a problem with her always being busy, she would cut that cord.

    This is the woman who I want to marry and have children with. The one that tamed me if you will. Before her, all I did was date different women on a monthly basis. I don’t want to go back to that and at the same time I cannot find anyone half as interesting and driven as her.

    I’m just confused as to what my best course of action is in this situation. I have instigated a friendship, we’ve only met once since and otherwise discussed mostly the house stuff. I am afraid that she is trying not to meet with me as I have tried to make plans after Christmas (both too busy before), but she keeps saying that her schedule isn’t made, but at the same time saying she could take any day. Very much a mixed message that is throwing me off. I am going to wait for it to be closer to Christmas before that drives me insane.
    I may have done a bad impulsive thing though. I bought her a small Christmas gift and a card and mailed it to her. I just saw it and thought she would love it. I was originally planning on making something but put it off the table as I thought that would be too creepy and invasive.

    Kevin, if you have advice, I would appreciate it a lot. The message boards often leave me hoping for a response that never comes. Thank you for the site, it had a very calming effect. It has helped me accept things I was ignoring, it has even convinced me to see a councillor to further help me improve my life. Focus me with a side goal of ex.

    • Kevin December 21, 2014, 4:34 am

      Hey,

      I think it’ll be a good idea to stay in contact with her and keep focusing on yourself. I don’t think you should expect her or ask her to spend Christmas with you. Spending Christmas together is too much pressure for the first date after no contact. It’ll be better if you ask her out after New Years.

      • Australia December 21, 2014, 10:50 pm

        Hi,

        we won’t be spending Christmas together, I was hoping to meet up with her during that limbo period right after Christmas, but before the New Year. Mostly because I want to talk to her about what are plans are with the house if she cannot take on the full mortgage.

        Maybe it would be better to wait for the New Year. I will play it by ear, see if she makes herself available or not.

  • zoya December 22, 2014, 2:47 am

    Hello Kevin
    I completed the “no contact” step sucessfully, did many new and exciting things but after that, I ended up sounding very desperate before him and he strictly don’t wanna get into relationship(bcoz of many breakup n patchups btw us) although he accepted dat he loves me.Finally, I re-collected myself and agreed with his decision of not getting back together and behaved completely normal. Now I have asked him for a short meeting this weekend. Any tip or advice for me..??

    • Kevin December 22, 2014, 9:58 am

      Don’t talk about getting back together. Just have a good time and be confident.

      • zoya December 22, 2014, 12:12 pm

        He is very rigid about not getting back into relationship.. I even tried to recall the good moments by texting him and he reminded me of the reasons for our breakup. 🙁
        Shall i postponed the meeting for more few days..??
        Any tip regarding this..?? I seriously need your help..!! 🙁

        • Australia December 23, 2014, 12:00 am

          It sounds like you need a longer no contact period. The whole point of it is to move on from the past and start fresh. Don’t stir up old memories, let him remember the good things by himself.

          • zoya December 23, 2014, 12:16 am

            What about the meeting then..?? Shall I Postponed it with any reason..??

          • Australia December 23, 2014, 11:07 am

            Can you get yourself to not mention the relationship and just have a good time? If he brings it up, will you be able to dismiss it and focus on having a good time instead? It sounds like you aren’t ready to do these things.

            To get your ex back, you need to be over the break up. It can still hurt of course, but you need to be able to look past it and see the future. When my ex dumped me, I didn’t. I had a longer NC period and before you knew it, my ex and I were on speaking terms again. She’s in a rebound, so it is not ideal and it hurts, but it isn’t impacting my life.

          • zoya December 24, 2014, 12:10 am

            Yes I can manage that, ll not discuss about the relationship. But he himself has changed the plan and not even informed me, and when I asked for the final plan he said he ll let me know whether he’s free or not in the coming days.. 🙁

          • Australia December 24, 2014, 1:15 am

            He’s making himself unavailable to you because he doesn’t believe you are over him. The only thing that is in his mind are the bad times, not the good. Give him some time and take some yourself. If he comes back with a response, just say that you made other plans because he wasn’t available and that maybe you can meet soon. If you move everything around his schedule, then you will just be far too easily available, something he can have without trying, don’t make him feel like there’s a better half.

          • zoya December 24, 2014, 9:49 am

            Ok..!!
            Now the situation is he didn’t even inform me about his plan. And when I myself asked him, he said he is coming my city tomorrow. But neither of us poped up any topic regarding the meeting and i ended the conversation (I pretended to be very normal with evrything)
            No idea what to do next..!! :-O

          • Kevin December 25, 2014, 11:57 am

            I don’t think you should ask him to meet you yet. In fact, even if he asks to meet you, tell him you need some space and time and you don’t want to meet him right now. I agree with Australia, some more no contact will definitely help your situation.

  • anjali December 24, 2014, 7:30 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I followed your previous advice and did no-contact with my exact. He contacted me exactly around 2 months however it did not go as intended and now we’re out of contact again and i’m not sure how to fix it or if I should do no contact again.

    So he contacted me about a month ago now, asked me to talk. He told me he loves me but is not ready or mature enough for a relationship. I expressed confusion at why he contacted me and we discussed being friends and texted occasionally after that for a week. During thanksgiving, he texted me a lot and i felt emotionally confused about it and then i told him we had to talk about it and asked him what was going on. He said he didn’t know and that he knew i couldn’t wait for him but couldn’t be in anything now. He also said he loves me a lot and is having a lot of trouble getting over me but knows i cant wait.

    After that he didn’t contact me again. I texted him about a week later to ask how he was doing; he responded but did not extend conversation. Then I haven’t contacted him since and he hasn’t contacted me. He kind of cut me out without warning or telling me anything.

    I’ve been thinking if i should contact him or leave him alone. What do you think ?

    Anjali

    • Kevin December 25, 2014, 12:01 pm

      Hey Anjali,

      I think you should give him time. And I think he is pretty clear about himself, which is a good thing. He is not ready for a serious relationship. If you want to wait for him, you can. But I wouldn’t recommend waiting more than 5-6 months. If you decide to wait for him, contact him after a month or two and see where he stands. Meanwhile, I’ll recommend you start dating other guys and start exploring your options. There’s a good chance he won’t be ready for a relationship anytime soon. And perhaps you dating other guys might just be the kick he needs to become mature enough for a serious relationship.

      • Anjali December 25, 2014, 4:08 pm

        If I start dating other guys, should I continue to not remain contact with him in the meantime ( another few months) ) while I shop around? Otherwise, he’ll never know I’m dating someone else right/ unless I tell him?

        I’m already trying to talk to other guys and such and definitely a tiny bit moved on but it’s not huge but could maybe also be helpful in me realizing hes not the only fish in the sea and someone better is out there for me.

        Thanks for all your advice

        Anjali

        • Australia December 26, 2014, 12:04 am

          Personally I would stay in contact and not tell them you are dating anyone. You don’t want to make it seem like you are doing it just to make him jealous, do it for yourself, you gain nothing by telling him. If he finds out or asks you directly, don’t lie. It may be the push he needs to become serious enough to chase you.

          • anjali December 26, 2014, 10:12 am

            Won’t it seem desperate if i contact him now given he hasn’t contacted me? If you read the post before the one you just responded to, I explain the situation in some more detail ( in case you haven’t read it). Idk I guess I want to be careful to not seem like im chasing him.

          • Australia December 26, 2014, 9:34 pm

            You could message him and just ask to catch up, see how he’s doing, etc.

          • anjali December 27, 2014, 3:39 pm

            Australia, so I tired what you suggested and he responded but doesn’t seem interested in prolonging and extending conversation like he was last time ( he didn’t change the subject or ask me any questions or anything) . Should I inquire about it and clarify if he’d rather not just talk at all? Or should I just not say anything and back off.

            anjali

          • Australia December 27, 2014, 9:52 pm

            Take some time for yourself and give him some. It’s hard because it may take him weeks to realise he wants to talk to you and might even be hard for him to reach out, but I would recommend you move on, focus on yourself, date, maybe reach out a month or two down the road, if you still want.

  • Cindy December 25, 2014, 6:05 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I followed your 5 step program, with little hope of it working, and well it worked perfectly, so thank you, we are happily back together and stronger.

    For everyone out there, NC is definitely hard but it works, so keep strong.

    Many thanks.

    • Kevin December 25, 2014, 12:03 pm

      That’s amazing Cindy. Thanks for sharing your success.

    • Morgan December 29, 2014, 9:01 am

      Cindy, how did you get through the no contact? I’m a third of the way through, but I’m really struggling and I’m scared this won’t bring him back.

  • Aly December 29, 2014, 3:54 pm

    For the past week since his girlfriend forbade him from talking to me it seems like he has been listening to her, and only Skype called me once when I was with mutual friends. He hasn’t reached out to me, talked to me, or been interested or curious. At one point he did comment on Facebook on one of my pictures of my friends and I asking why nobody ever calls him to go out with us. On Christmas my friend delivered a ring I bought him during Black Friday and said he wouldn’t let go of it, talked fondly of me, agreed I wasn’t crazy and said he would continue talking to me while we still had things in common because teasing me was fun. She said he didn’t talk to fondly of his girlfriends family and seemed rather annoyed but his family approves of his relationship with her. He continues to keep tabs on me, and likewise goes for his girlfriend, after telling me to leave her alone and to stay away from him, she continues to stalk my social media. At one point she lashed out at me publicly saying to fight her and that I am jealous of her and that I copy her to be her. I had the opportunity to respond but didn’t say anything and ignored it.
    Do I cut her out and block her or continue as I am and what do I do with this situation with him?

    • Kevin January 1, 2015, 10:53 am

      Yes, it’ll be a good idea to block her. And I’ll also recommend you start going out on dates while keeping no contact with your ex.

      • Aly January 4, 2015, 7:26 pm

        So in the past week my closest friend and our mutual friend, my exes closest friend have started dating and we are being brought even closer around each other, more run ins, and I found out for college we have enrolled in mutual classes, so I’m afraid in the coming weeks its going to be inevitable that I see him.
        I thought it would be a good thing but hes been with his rebound for at least three weeks now.
        A few nights ago I went to get food with my friend and she invited her boyfriend who was with my ex so now it seems like the four of us will be around each other often.
        My ex kept glancing at me or avoiding eye contact entirely, we pooled in her car and he decided to drive and sit next to me but was pushing me around, making excuses to grab my hand and being really rough, which I have never ever seen him like this before. He’s been starting to act more distant or more rough and simply not like himself. I’ve been trying to only say positive things, casual things, or few things in general. I know no contact at this point will be very difficult.
        I did block his girlfriend and go on three dates with three different people since we broke up.

        • Kevin January 5, 2015, 12:32 am

          Whenever you see him, just keep your cool and don’t show any signs of neediness. I think you have done well so far. Keep doing the same until he makes a move or his relationship ends.

  • Alex January 1, 2015, 9:17 am

    Hello kevin, I just wanna start by saying this article really helped to open up my eyes and realize how needy I was being, me and my boyfriend broke up like a week ago and it still pains me, we’ve been in contact kinda here and their through out everyday. He said he wanted to build a foundation with me, so how can I start doing the no contact rule?

    From here on now I’m going to look at the positives of myself and build my self back up, I’ll show him I’ll be happy without him, I was happy before right, and I’ll be halt again! 🙂

    • Kevin January 1, 2015, 10:57 am

      Tell him you need time and space to deal with the breakup and start no contact.

  • Toby January 1, 2015, 12:14 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    Happy New Year! I wrote here a few days ago, but I don’t see my post here, so I am writing you again.

    So my situation is: Dated a girl for 10 months, broke up almost 3 months ago, a month after the break up she started dating another guy. During this time I did all the deadly mistakes you have mentioned and started no contact about a week and a half ago. Broke it last night by replying her text for New Year.

    When we broke up she told she will always love me and if she sees some positive changes in me, we can be together.
    My question is how long should I go with the no contact period? And what if I mistakenly get the feeling I am ready to contact her, but I am not and screw things up again? Another no contact period? I am afraid of getting into a vicious circle.

    And one more thing. She usually meets her future boyfriend at the end of her current relationship. Like she can’t be alone and keeps someone lined up. That’s what happened to me. I can’t do nothing but hope it’s a rebound relationship.

    I would be very grateful if you can give me some advice what to do and see your opinion on my case. Thank you in advance!

    • Kevin January 2, 2015, 8:31 am

      Hey Toby,

      You should do at least one month. Use the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. If you screw up, start no contact again. Give yourself a time limit. How long are you willing to wait for her? 1 year? 6 months? Make a promise to yourself that if you are not back together by the end of that time period, you will focus on moving.

      • Toby January 4, 2015, 8:58 am

        Honestly I am willing to wait for her for years, but I am afraid I don’t have much time, considering the fact she is having a new boyfriend. And also the changes I plan to do require a lot of time.. Another thing is that I am worried, I am wasting my no contact time, by still thinking a lot about her, and not doing anything. On the other hand I don’t consider rushing things a good idea.

  • Kyah January 2, 2015, 2:28 am

    How can I ask them out as suggested in step 4 if they are still in their rebound relationship?

    • Kevin January 2, 2015, 8:36 am

      Fist establish contact and if they are warm and you have been in contact for a few weeks; ask them to meet for coffee. Tell them you just want to catch up. Don’t call it a date.

  • Toby January 2, 2015, 6:42 am

    Why can’t I see my posts here??

    • Kevin January 2, 2015, 8:41 am

      Toby,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post your question on the message boards.

  • Binny January 2, 2015, 9:59 am

    Kevin! You said about No Contact. Ok fine, there will be no contact but can we upload status on whatsapp/facebook reminding him of some special dates or time we spent together? Statuses would not be of the begging/pleading type. Also! We were never committed but there is something different in this story. I know you may not have time to listen to all the stuff but I seriously love him whole heartedly and I really wish to know where does the problem lies.

    • Kevin January 3, 2015, 7:52 am

      No, I will not recommend such statuses. They will still look needy and desperate.

  • Luke January 2, 2015, 12:16 pm

    I think i made way too many mistakes before i came across this website and the steps so i still think its impossible to get her attracted to me again, should i move on?

    • Luke January 3, 2015, 2:57 am

      last week she apologized for how she treated me after the break up and said i was perfect and a good boyfriend, that got my hopes up and i stupidly asked if she wondered about getting back together, she didnt reply, but a few days later she sent a random message like nothing had happened. The main reason why we split up was that i had moved away to uni and she thought it wouldnt work, but i can move home now. Do you think my plan should be to casually tell her im home for good and meet up a few times to try and build attraction?

      • Kevin January 3, 2015, 7:53 am

        Yes, but don’t tell her you want to get back together. Let it be her idea.

  • Rihanna January 3, 2015, 6:51 am

    Happy New Year Kevin! Thank you so much for all your support in my darkest hour and for proving to me that there’s always light at the end of a dark tunnel … Here’s to a better 2015 with new beginnings … May this year be a great one to you also. All my love xx

    • Kevin January 3, 2015, 7:55 am

      Rihanna,

      It’s great to hear from you. Hope you are good. Happy New Year to you too and may this year bring you success in life and love. xo

  • Mema January 3, 2015, 5:42 pm

    hey Kevin .. it’s been a while since I’ve posted here .. so first I want to wish you a merry Christmas and Happy New year ..
    I followed your advice .. I told my ex that I need time to myself .. and I cut him off completely ..
    so in the next couple of days he started contacting me .. for like 2 or 3 minutes a day at first .. then our conversation got longer ..
    and we were back to where we were ..late night talks .. saying I love you .. texting .. etc
    he apologised about what he said last time and he said that I’m the most beautiful thing that happened in his life .. and I’m going to be like that again .. lol ..
    so .. last time he was at my city .. he promised me that he’ll come before the new year start ..
    a few days ago .. we were talking and he was joking about coming to my city .. so .. the next morning he called me .. and he was really in my city .. so we met .. we huged me .. told me how much he missed me .. and at the end of the date .. he hold my hands .. looked into my eyes .. and said that he loves me .. he yelled it out loud .. it was so romantic .. so .. we ended the date happily .. the next day .. we agreed on going out with our friends .. but at last minute .. he cancelled on me .. so I got mad .. we got into a fight .. at last we agreed on meeting for 5 minutes “I insisted ” .. so he came .. he was unhappy .. we set things straight .. we made out .. before we knew it .. 2 hours were gone .. and his friends were calling him to come back .. so we went home .. agreed on meeting the next morning .. the next morning he was distance .. I asked him why he said because his friend was with us .. so .. him and his friend were talking about going to the new year’s festival in his town .. he said they’ll go with his best friend .. so the next morning there was a photo of them on fb with 3 girls .. one of them he told me before she was his friend’s gf … he lied saying she’s in a relationship .. and when I asked him about that .. he said he said so because he didn’t want me to suspect that he likes her .. we got into a fight .. he apologised at last .. and went offline without even waiting for me to say goodnight ..
    today he acted distance again .. idk why! .. he knows I’m sick .. and he called me once all day 🙁
    so idk what to think or what to do again .. what do you think Kevin?

    • Kevin January 4, 2015, 3:00 am

      Hey Mema,

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too. To me it seems like you are still insecure and needy, which is the reason he is not committing again. He is afraid of losing you completely and he doesn’t want to commit (keep himself available). In my opinion, you shouldn’t have answered him once you told him you need some time and space. I’ll recommend you ask him for commitment. Tell him that you can’t let him keep stringing you along. If he wants you, he should commit. If he doesn’t, you wil cut contact with him and move on. If he wants time, tell him you need time too and start no contact. And if you start no contact, do not answer his calls, at least for a month.

      • Mema January 5, 2015, 9:28 pm

        thanx Kevin ..
        but how I was acting needy or insecure? .. can you tell me plz?
        and well I did ask him for commitment .. we were talking .. he said that he believes that he’s ready to start dating again .. and he misses being in a relationship again “broke up 3 monthes ago” .. and there is someone in his life .. he likes her .. but he doesn’t know if he’ll ask her out yet .. but he’s talking to her daily .. so one thing led to another. . I said that we can get back together .. he refused .. he got angry right away .. saying that if I bring this topic up again .. we will lose each other .. I said that we can try for a while .. we both grow up .. we were so happy together last month .. and we are already acting like a couple .. so he refused .. and got even angrier at me 🙁 .. and he said that he doesn’t want to make out with me anymore .. because he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend 🙁
        now we agreed on getting time away from each other .. so we can calm down .. “2 or 3 days”
        so .. I think NC can’t be applied in my situation right now .
        what should I do! !
        I really want him back ..
        he was amazing with me last month .. no fights .. sweet talks .. long hours night calls .. we were acting like we’ve never broken up 🙁 ..
        but he looks very hurt from our break up .. and he doesn’t have a will to forgive me about it .. or forget about it .. even though he said he loves me ..
        so .. should I lose hope now?

        • Kevin January 6, 2015, 8:55 am

          1. You got mad when he cancelled on you. Instead, if you would have told him calmly that you don’t appreciate him cancelling on you at the last moment and next time he shouldn’t make plans with you that he can’t keep; he would’ve seen you as mature instead of insecure.

          2. You saw his picture on facebook and immediately (I am assuming immediately) asked about the girl, her relationship status etc. Signs of jealousy and insecurity.

          3. You told him you want time and space and cut him off. But as soon as he started messaging you, you forgot about what YOU NEED (time and space) and started fulfilling HIS NEED (talking to you). You put him before yourself. Which shows that either you don’t respect your decision, or you need him more than your well-being.

          If he has already said no to commitment, I’ll highly recommend you cut him off. If you want him back, let him know that it’s hard for you to be friends with him right now and you need time and space. Tell him if you decide you can be friends with him, you will contact him later. Then start no contact.

          • Mema January 7, 2015, 4:24 pm

            thanx Kevin .. I did what you said ..and then I blocked him on social media and everywhere else ..

  • Rihanna January 4, 2015, 5:50 am

    Hi Kevin, I need your help on this one… new guy new heartache haha!

    Well, I met a guy a couple of months ago and at first he seemed keen as I’m sure you’ve heard stories like this before. He introduced me to his parents, invited me to a family occasion, came to my house met my family few times and then that was IT! Since then, he’s been distant and I think he wanted to kiss me or something on the third date but I’m shy as he knows and perhaps that’s why he became distant. I deleted his number until he texted me merry xmas and we’ve been texting every now and then since. He went on a holiday and didn’t tell me before he went cos we’re not together but when I texted me NYE he told me he was away and that I can text him or call him anytime! He always replies to my texts almost immediately . I think tonight I did a huge mistake. I texted him around 9 pm a text that’s bit too deep for him maybe and he didn’t like it. my text was: ‘What do you wanna gain from life (his full name). what would you tell the guy you knew 20 years ago and forgotten about? how will you make it up to him this year?’ … Of course I’m talking about the child in him and what wishes he had but forgot etc… his reply was immediate: ‘ I don’t understand your message sorry’ I said ‘ it’s too much to text’ hoping he’d call… he said ‘gonna have to talk about that one’ but didn’t call me’ me: ‘ I hope I didn’t upset you’ him: ‘not upset just don’t understand your messages!’ I gave him two options: ‘you either want to understand or you don’t care to think about it’ him: ‘don’t know ring me tomorrow’ me: ‘it’s nothing weird but too much to text. i hope I didn’t disturb your night I didn’t mean to’ … That’s it he didn’t reply back. I’m not sure what to do here. Why is he being difficult and if he’s seeing someone why not tell me we were never together though his actions in the beginning gave me that feeling we were. What do I do please help me Kevin. Do I ring him tomorrow? Do I delete him? Do I ignore him? Will he call me if I don’t? … Why am I feeling this way about someone I’ve only seen a few times? I hope I’m not acting desperate though I don’t text every day but most of the time it’s me initiating. Help me Kevin please, i’m so embarrassed by all this 🙁 thank you

    • Rihanna January 4, 2015, 6:49 am

      Please Kevin? … I’m not gonna sleep tonight I’m so upset 🙁 … Never had a guy that’s “not into me” and I’m not taking this well… what to do?

      • Kevin January 5, 2015, 12:23 am

        Hey Rihanna,

        It’s great to see you have moved on from your ex and how far you’ve come. You are just overthinking things. He just didn’t get the message and didn’t want to get into it. The guy is probably into you. But if you try too hard, it’ll seem unattractive. So just relax. Let things take their own course. Even if he is not into you, it isn’t the end of the world. You got over your ex, this guy will be a piece of cake. Don’t take it personally. Life’s too short to pine over things that aren’t meant to happen.

        • Rihanna January 5, 2015, 2:20 am

          Oh yes Thank God I am over my ex and now we’re good friends, Legitimately! We both know we can never be together due to family, religion, politics and money meaning everything in life haha! plus, I really don’t have any feelings for him anymore… He always tells me he’s there for me but whatever is said and done we just CAN NEVER be together and I’m ok with that…

          Now about this guy. What should I do? I sent him a text this morning explaining that text and I haven’t heard back. I’m going away next week and would like to talk to him before I leave. Why is he ok with texting and calling but everytime he says “i’ll call you and see you soon” it never happens! What am I meant to do to re-ignite his interest? I don’t want to sound interested or worse, desperate but do you think I can call him and have a chat? What is this guy’s deal why act super keen and get family involved then vanish? And it’s been like this well over a month! any idea?

  • Helen January 4, 2015, 7:34 am

    Hi Kevin, all the best for 2015!

    Its been 3,5 weeks since the bday message and since he didn’t reply to my reply, I have a urge to contact him since yesterda but I’m terrified about messing it up, or doing it too early. (back in November he said he would need 2 to 3 month to be able to approach me and to move over the breakup)
    Regarding the checklist, I’m all good, I have kind of a new interested in a new guy and I am generally moving on from my ex (no more obsessing, peaceful mind set most of the time, accepted the fact that I might never get him back and that its ok because of all the possibilities in life) , but since yesterday I really want to contact him..
    But it literally freaks me out to do so when I think about doing it, does this mean I’m not ready? How long do I have to wait I mean maybe I’ll always be freaked out about contacting him..

    Thanks Kevin!! x

    • Helen January 4, 2015, 10:11 am

      Ok so I talked to him and it went well, he replied immediately had a quick chat for 15 mins I stopped the conversation saying I had to go out. whats next? he just seemed happy that I was going well, asked if everything was going ok and just wished me to have fun
      I made it
      We live in different town, do I have to message him again in a few weeks, im so confused about what to do know!

      • Kevin January 5, 2015, 12:27 am

        You can text him again after 3-4 days.

        • Helen January 6, 2015, 5:40 pm

          Thank you for your reply, I’ll follow your advice!

          But how can I make him initiate contact eventually? I mean he will probably respond to my other message but then what ;( it would be bad if I always initiate them!

          What is the next level?

          Thank you so much xx

          • Kevin January 7, 2015, 3:52 am

            That’s why you should wait 3-4 days after texting him. You are giving him an opportunity to initiate contact. If he doesn’t, next time give him more time. A week or two.

        • Helen January 8, 2015, 6:43 am

          Hi Kevin,

          I did what you said and send him a short message related to a news fact, yesterday. It’s over facebook and still it doesn’t show as “seen at”” but I can see that he has been active on facebook.
          If he doesn’t answer I’m gonna wait at least 3 weeks before messaging him again, but last chat we had he replied fast and we had a nice quick conversation so why would he ignore me now??
          This is bringing me down, but I know I can’t send another message now it would show as needy…
          Why is he doing this? Sould I message one of his friend to ask how he is doing? :(, I’m loosing hope is there still any??

          Thanks x

          • Helen January 8, 2015, 7:09 am

            Maybe I should go in his town in week or 2 and just call him and ask him if he wants to meet up? Like just do it rather than go around with messaes because its too tricky and not as effective as just meeting up and seeing each other and talking freely? And showing how I have changed etc?

          • Kevin January 8, 2015, 10:10 am

            Hey Helen,

            There’s a risk that he will reject your proposal to meet up, in which case, you will have made the trip for nothing and will feel quite rejected. There’s also a chance that rejection will make you act needy or desperate. I will recommend you wait until you and him are on good talking terms.

  • Tashia January 4, 2015, 2:30 pm

    Can this system work if you are still living with your ex?

  • Katy January 5, 2015, 5:13 am

    Hi kevin, I’ve been posting my comment. However it says pending approval? Any way I can get help with my question? Not sure why it’s not being posted. It clearly meets the requirement.

    Thanks.

    • Kevin January 5, 2015, 7:56 am

      Hey Katy,

      The comments here are heavily moderated. I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions in the message boards.

      • Katy January 5, 2015, 11:45 am

        Hello Kevin, are the boards heavily monitored as well? Because I’ve posted there too and I keep getting the same error message, “Awaiting Moderation”

        Any help here?

        • Kevin January 6, 2015, 8:33 am

          No, they are not. Just the first time someone posts on the boards, it needs to be manually approved. After that, you are free to post any time you want. This is to keep out spammers. Your post is approved now and you are free to post as much as you want.

  • Toby January 5, 2015, 3:40 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    my ex text me saying she miss talking to me and can’t stop thinking how I’m doing, am I studying, am I going out with friends etc. I think she’s worried. What should I do, is this the desired effect of NC or it’s a more complex situation? What if she keeps worrying about me, and never forget the negative things and how needy I was, during the whole NC period?? Thanks!

    • Australia January 5, 2015, 8:52 pm

      Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?
      NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

    • Kevin January 6, 2015, 8:36 am

      It’s normal. Don’t answer the texts. If she keeps texting (continuously for 2-3 days), tell her you need some space and time right now and you can’t talk to her.

  • Australia January 5, 2015, 9:24 pm

    I need some advice, because I am at a loss for what to do now. I will say this may get unorganized, there are many things going through my mind and I need to type them all out

    My ex and I own a house together. I am releasing it to her. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. We bought it together and I thought we would start building our family in it together. On Wednesday we go to the notary to sign the declaration, and then we’ll have all the forms ready to submit for the 20th. I need to know what I should do on Wednesday. I need someone to tel me how to act, because all I want to do right now is confront her.

    We broke up in August. There was a lot of pleading from my side. I lost my mind, found this site, found new energy, but she started seeing someone during NC. Technically kind of before it even started. I didn’t find this out until after NC and the letter. The reason this is so hard for me is because she told me she didn’t want to be with anyone and that was a major reason she was breaking up with me, she didn’t love herself, needed to work on herself, and until that was done, how could she love anyone else. For a year we had been talking about our future together, our schooling, career paths, kids. She started dating less than three months after and of course it made me feel sick to my stomach. We have a lot of common friends, so through some conversation, I have found out some things that made me feel even worse.

    Is it a rebound? It’s hard to say. We are on friendly terms, but not quite as friendly as I would like to be. She knew him while we were dating and that just makes it worse to me. She doesn’t want to talk about their relationship, but all I want to do is press her for answers. Why did she break up with me for those reasons if she just turns around and starts dating someone else? I know many of her friends told her that dumping me wasn’t her best idea. I know he says “I love you” to her, I assume she reciprocates. She is the most stubborn person I know. I am going through a hard time right now because we would have been on a trip right now and I was planing to propose on the 7th. This coincides with the meeting at the notary.

    How should I act? I really want to tell her about the trip and the proposal, but I feel that it is a terrible idea. I’m pretty certain that I am going to break down and cry, because I am tearing up just writing this. I don’t want to move on, this girl has everything I want. Maybe I am just jealous of her new found happiness, but I am definitely mad because I know what he is getting from her on Valentine’s Day. Boudoir photos, I know this through mutual friends, just like I know that he gives her money to support her. Last year at that time we were pretty broke having just bought a house. Maybe the house and finances put undo stress on our relationship. I just want to know why she chose to lie to me on the breakup, give up and throw away everything we had together. I need to know and I don’t think I will ever be able to reconcile without knowing. The person that he is for her, I would have been and much more.

    Please tell me how I should approach this. Do I try to talk to her and get my resolution or do I leave it be in hopes that we will eventually find each other again?

    Of course I am mad at her relationship, but I know that I cannot actively attack it without cementing it more in her mind and that makes me even more sick.

    • Australia January 5, 2015, 10:00 pm

      To add to this, I am at a point where I don’t want to sign over the property to her, because I feel like I will be giving up the last part of our relationship. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s not. I don’t know, but it makes me sad beyond my own comprehension.

      • Australia January 5, 2015, 10:25 pm

        I’m starting to think that maybe I should ask her what I could have done better in the relationship, instead of directly referencing the break up, she would be able to tell me the real reasons. I am worried however that she will say nothing and then I will be forced to finger point at her current actions.

        • Rihanna January 8, 2015, 1:22 am

          HI Australia! I’m from down under too… Hi 5! hehe… so sorry for your hurt, it really sucks being here but on the plus side I’m sooooo glad I met this site and made friends… I may even be meeting up with someone I met here 😉 … All the best on your journey, hope you get what you deserve though it may not be what you want… Go Aussie!

    • Kevin January 6, 2015, 8:45 am

      Hey Australia,

      I think you are expecting some kind of closure with this confrontation. But I highly doubt any answer from her is going to satisfy you. If anything, it’s going to confuse you even more. If you want to keep the property for financial reasons, you shouldn’t sign it off to her. But if you just want to keep it some kind of link to her, then you’ll be better of letting it go. Along with her. I doubt you will get any satisfactory answer by confronting her, neither do I think it’ll help you get her back. But if you break down and end up confronting her, it’s OK. Don’t be hard on yourself if you end up doing it. You are under a lot of emotional stress. And it’s OK to break down sometimes. Go in with the mindset of keeping your cool and acting casual. But if things don’t go as planned, don’t fret. I will recommend that if you do decide to confront her, you do it in a calm and levelheaded manner, without acting needy or desperate.

      • Australia January 6, 2015, 4:31 pm

        Hi Kevin, thank you for the response, it does make me feel a lot better hearing back from another person’s perspective.

        I know she is coming to pick me up and then we will hang out a bit before going to the notary in which time I will try and not say anything and just show her YNAB. I have no interest in the property, I just felt like signing it over would create a sort of finality in our relationship and maybe that is for the best. A clean break so I can go back to another NC period.

      • Australia January 8, 2015, 1:51 am

        So we were at the lawyer today and if all goes well, that means we will only have to meet once more. I did break down a little bit and talk to her a bit. I didn’t leave it on a good note. So I compensated a bit with a message, asking if in a few months we could maybe sit down and talk, if I still wanted to.

        I’m coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to get her back. I was too much of a shit after our breakup and it fills me with regret, but I am also starting to think that she cheated on me emotionally towards the end of our relationship.

        I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m going to go see a therapist during this new no contact period that I am making as long as I need until I wake up one day without expecting her to be next to me.

        • Kevin January 8, 2015, 10:08 am

          Good luck Australia. It’s great that you are coming in terms with the breakup. Someday, you will look back and be glad that you went through this pain because you will be stronger and happier than ever.

          • Australia January 8, 2015, 3:09 pm

            I hope so, because right now I am not capable of trusting anyone like that again.

  • Rihanna January 6, 2015, 6:09 am

    Thank you Kevin for your email…

    I’ve taken a holiday and I am meeting my ex, actually he’s picking me up from the airport and i’ll be seeing him for the first time as friends! But I’m not waiting on anyone anymore… Confused/ emotionally unstable/ child-mind like men out of my life! I’m high value and willing to wait to meet my match 🙂

    Thank you for being inspirational and supportive. See you on the boards if you’re ever there… All my love xx

    • Kevin January 6, 2015, 8:57 am

      Have a great holiday Rihanna. Thank you for being a part of my journey in developing this website. 🙂

    • Australia January 8, 2015, 8:20 pm

      I hope one day I can get to where you are.

  • Clarissa January 7, 2015, 5:42 pm

    Me & my ex have been broken up for about 4 months already, a week after we broke up he was trying to get back together with me but he was already staring something up with another girl who had tried breaking us up before. Anyways long story short a couple weeks later they start dating & they’ve been in a relationship ever since. But the weird thing is my ex is constantly messaging me about getting some stuff I still have of his, but he never comes, I don’t understand why he bothers me so much about it ? I’ve tried countless times to get over him already but it still hasn’t worked so I’m just going with the flow. I followed your steps to get over him but not to get him back because I don’t feel I’m ready yet, I’m just waiting to see what happens & if it’s meant to be then we’ll be. I’ve worked on myself & just focused on myself. I still miss him very much & it still hurts that he moved on so quickly but I just don’t understand why he constantly bothers me & tries rubbing his new relationship in my face so much. Why do you think he does this ? At first I thought that it was just a rebound relationship but it’s been 3 months so I figured that’s not it, especially because they seem to be going pretty strong still

    • Australia January 8, 2015, 1:42 am

      3 months is pretty short still. Rebounds will sometimes last a year, that’s the tipping point. It will either get really serious after that, or they will drift apart.

      If he is rubbing the new relationship into your face, he may be overcompensating to make you jealous and confirm his doubts about the new relationship.

    • Kevin January 8, 2015, 9:50 am

      Hey,

      Some rebounds last much longer than others. It’s possible that it’s a rebound. He is still showing the signs of a rebound.

      • Clarissa January 8, 2015, 9:24 pm

        My ex messaged me the other day like I said & he’s supposed to come over tomorrow to get his hat, which I don’t understand why he acts like he needs it so badly if it doesn’t even fit him anymore. Anyways, yesterday I saw that he finally changed his status to in a relationship with the girl he’s been with & today I found out she might be pregnant … I still love him so much & this just crushed me. I still don’t understand why he bothers me so much & rubs it in my face if he seems to be so committed to her already … I miss him & idk what to do … there’s no way I could ever get him back :((

        • Kevin January 9, 2015, 12:39 am

          I think the best thing to do right now is ignore all his messages. I’ll also recommend you block him after tomorrow. If he doesn’t come, give his stuff to a friend or send it to him via mail. Tell him about it and then block him. Yes, chances of getting him back are very slim. From now on, your priority should be to get over him completely and the best way to do that is to completely cut him off. I know you miss him and want him back, but at this point, I don’t think it’ll be worth the effort, the pain and the unnecessary drama you will have to go through for a very small of chance of getting him back. It’ll be a lot easier to just cut him off move on.

          • Clarissa January 9, 2015, 6:23 pm

            I saw him today when he finally went to get his hat, I tried making it as quick as possible but it seemed like he wanted to talk because he sort of hesitated to leave after & said “thanks” & just kept staring at me. I guess his girlfriend being pregnant is just a rumor & if it is & I still want him back & she is still a rebound, how exactly would be the best way to get him back ? Do I just continue to act like I don’t care & focus on myself & wait for him to come to me or do I approach him ?

          • Clarissa January 9, 2015, 6:33 pm

            He also tried really hard to look especially handsome today, I think he did this to try to impress me or make me miss him in some sort of way. I just kind of need some advice on the whole situation, I think the best thing to do is just wait it out & hope he comes back but I’m not sure if he misses me or wants me back. Maybe I’m just misunderstanding everything & taking it the wrong way & maybe he doesn’t miss me. But in a way he makes it so obvious also that he’s trying to make me jealous still & that he still misses me because it’s a big coincidence that he decided to message me on the 4 month anniversary of our break up & every month since on that day he messages me. I feel like he’s now trying to make him relationship private on Facebook because that’s the only social network I have him on still & maybe that’s why he changed his status to “in a relationship” now. Please give me the best advice, I don’t wanna ruin any chances I may have

          • Clarissa January 9, 2015, 6:36 pm

            I meant to say that I think he’s making his relationship public on Facebook because that’s the last social network I have him on, not private, sorry lol

          • Kevin January 10, 2015, 6:40 am

            I agree with Australia. You should do NC for a while. He will try to contact you. In which case, do as I said in the last comment. It’s not going to ruin your chances.

          • Australia January 9, 2015, 8:26 pm

            Clarissa, it sounds like he may still be interested, but that may also be your skewed view. Maybe he is just trying to show off how awesome he is doing (whether or not that is true). I would focus on yourself for now.If you work on yourself and sees how awesome you are, if he still has feelings for you, then he will gladly accept becoming friends and hanging out. This however won’t be possible until you go NC for a while. You need to let him chase!

  • Mema January 8, 2015, 1:16 am

    hi Kevin ..
    I’m kind of freaking out here ..
    he’s going to ask her to be het GF today 🙁 ..
    and I blocked him .. and said to him that I still have feelings for him and it’s hard for me to see him with someone else .. so he said it’s ur problem not mine .. and he was kind of angery when he talked to me .. evrn that he started the conversation ..
    the thing is .. it’s not making sense .. a week ago he told me he loves me .. he has no one in his life .. and we’ll spend valentines day together. . and now he’s asking a girl he met a month ago out after our fight???
    can you plz help me to figure what’s going on?
    the problem is .. his friends likes her! .. ALOT!!!!
    and hate me too 🙁
    so .. now I blocked him .. cut contact with him .. already have a date next week .. what do you think I should do?

    • Kevin January 8, 2015, 10:07 am

      Hey Mema,

      If he really loved you, he wouldn’t be asking the other girl out. He wanted to keep you around because he was alone or as a backup. Which is the reason I was telling you to do NC.

      There’s a chance that he will realize he loves you and misses you and want to come back. DO NOT accept him back in your life immediately. Let him prove that he is ready to commit. Then and only then be in talking terms with him.

      There’s also a chance he will make that girl his girlfriend and start a relationship. In that case, the relationship might end like a rebound (likely) or last for a long time (unlikely). In either case, you should continue no contact and concentrate on moving on. You have wasted enough time on him and you should really learn to be happy in your life without him. If he really loves you, he will come back. But IMO, you shouldn’t wait for him or let him string you along anymore.

      • Mema January 9, 2015, 1:30 am

        thanx Kevin ..
        but can you give me an exact percentage of my chances in getting him back now?
        after acting like a couple .. saying I love you .. and now he’s dating someone new out of !
        and one more thing .. he blocked me after I blocked him .. him even blocked me on Facebook “I unfriended him .. and then he blocked me” ..
        and should I contact him now and tell him that I acted stupid and I ended things the wrong way and that I don’t want us to end up blocking each other again.. and that I’ll take time to myself and when If I feel I can be friends with him again I’ll contact him??
        or what??
        one more thing .. I did the most stupid and humiliating thing in the world .. I sent that girl a message on FB .. telling her that I was his gf .. and even though we break up .. we could not move on .. and told her how he acted when he was in my city .. but .. at last .. I told her to have a happy life with him .. and I wish them all the best .. and I wish that I was died before I hit the send button 🙁
        and p.s : he blocked me at 4 p.m .. she saw that message at 3:45 pm
        and he didn’t change his whatsapp status .. it’s still our song with the “honey imoji” which refers to me !
        What do you think?

        • Kevin January 10, 2015, 6:33 am

          Don’t contact him. I can’t give a percentage but your chances are less. I’ll recommend you keep him blocked and start to move on with your life. There’s a good chance he will contact you again. But it doesn’t mean he wants to get back together. It just means he is craving the security that you provide him (a backup) and he doesn’t want to lose that. If he contacts you, tell him you need space and time and you can’t talk to him unless he wants to commit.

          • Mema January 11, 2015, 10:18 pm

            Thanx Kevin .. bit should I wait for him?
            is there really any chance left for us?
            and I’m really hurt now .. I feel like he was playing with my emotions .. and he wasn’t honest with me 🙁
            and is this girl a rebound or he’s serious about her??
            he said that I hurt him alot .. and he used to cry because of me .. I was the only person who made him cry 🙁 ..
            he’s hurt too ..
            but idk what to believe .. what he said when he was with me .. or that this girl is someone real in his life .. and he actually loves her!
            what do you think?

          • Kevin January 12, 2015, 5:12 am

            You do have a chance still. But like I said before it’s very slim. Whether or not you should wait for him is for you to decide.

            The girl is probably a rebound. There’s a slight chance it might turn into something serious but most probably it won’t.

  • Aly January 9, 2015, 4:46 am

    Hey Kevin, I was with him again in the same room with two of our friends and things got pretty heated and turned into us talking about our relationship.
    Basically he said I had too many problems for him to deal with,
    And all his friends think I’m crazy because I cried a lot while we were dating due to me having depression during the time.
    He brought up how I complained about his mom too much.
    I told him that that has all long passed and I have actually changed and don’t have any of those problems.
    To which he responded that it didn’t matter because its still me, and he just doesn’t want to do that again and just “no” to the whole thing and the idea of it.
    I know his girlfriend and her family who hates me have had influence on him viewing me so negatively.
    Regardless it was a very tense situation in which whatever I said or whatever solutions I provided he instantly shut them down, I don’t understand why, and refused to even look at it.
    I left the room and one of my friends ended up getting in my exes face about how cold and hostile he was being. My ex started tearing up and getting frustrated and left to his car in the same state but did pull me outside alone to hug me before getting into his car visibly trying not to tear up again and then driving away.
    His recent actions and reactions have been more confusing and negative and I don’t understand why or what to do.

    • Australia January 9, 2015, 8:29 pm

      It sounds like he is still remembering too much of the bad. Do not push onto him how these things aren’t issues anymore, he should see that rather than hear it. His current gf sounds pretty insecure if she has to put you down to make herself more appealing, think about that for a second. That sort of negativity eventually kills a relationship.

    • Kevin January 10, 2015, 6:35 am

      Hey Aly,

      You shouldn’t have tried to convince him. It would have been a better idea to tell him you don’t want to get back together with him. You just told him you are still in love with him and are still waiting for him even if he is with someone else. This incident just gave his ego a boost. And it made him lose a little bit of respect for you.

      It’s a good idea to talk about solutions to the problems in the relationship, but only when both of you are thinking about getting back together. In your situation, he clearly didn’t want to get back together. And by providing solutions, you were pushing him. And that’s why he started to pull away. Instead, if you agreed with him, he would’ve started wondering that you really have changed.

      • Aly January 11, 2015, 3:54 am

        Thank you,
        He slowly becoming more hostile saying he wants nothing to do with me and I have no idea of how to respond to this.

        • Kevin January 12, 2015, 5:09 am

          That’s OK. Agree with him and do your own thing. Next time you are in a situation where you two end up talking to each other, do not let him know that you want to get back together.

          • Aly January 18, 2015, 5:11 am

            Hey Kevin, in the past week there have been a lot of developments. First off, I found out I was a few weeks pregnant, I made sure it was certain at first and then told him within three days. Initially he took it negatively, pushing for an abortion and being heartless about it, but as the reality of things set in, he has agreed to be supportive. We have already visited Planned Parenthood twice and plan to visit again, he is still wanting an abortion which is understandable. He refuses to tell his girlfriend about any of this. (They are about 6 weeks in right now.) And refuses to tell his family, so whatever the outcome we would have to pay for it together and discreetly as he puts it.
            I believe the right thing to do would be to tell his girlfriend, however I know its not my place since I am not the one dating her. He’s been keeping each time he speaks with me, sees me, goes to Planned Parenthood, etc. a secret from her and I found out he sees her pretty rarely sometimes.
            It seems like he is gradually viewing our relationship in more and more of a negative light, talking about how crazy I was, how “done” he was with me, how he will never go back because of how our relationship was, recalling nothing good. I don’t know why because I have done nothing but improve, getting a new job, reestablishing myself in my studies, and so on. One of our mutual friends told him that I felt uncomfortable about his girlfriend and him. I also found myself at a party with them alone in which he left her twice to discuss the pregnancy with me and spent very little time around her and that which he did was mainly spent just sitting next to her. She’s far younger than both of us and the age of his youngest sister so it was very odd seeing her at this party with all our friends.
            I am lost on what to do, how to act, why he’s viewing us so negatively, and so on. He seems frozen on “I just won’t go back to us”.

          • Kevin January 18, 2015, 11:21 am

            He is trying to justify his decisions by calling you crazy. Let him. Don’t react to it. And even at this point, don’t push him to get back together. Let it be his decision. Tell him you are not expecting to get back with him. Better yet, tell him you are not interested in getting him back. And keep doing your thing. He will eventually come around.

  • Helen January 10, 2015, 3:48 pm

    Hi again Kevin thank you for the replies,

    He didn’t answer to my message and he saw it, people are telling me that I have to “wait” (more like to completely move one and who knows) till he makes a move if he ever makes one, because he was the one to break things off.
    I’m confused because he sent me a message for my birthday, we had a quick chat still last time (that went pretty smooth) and now, no answer, nothing please, what could be the reasons?
    I really want to reestablish contact, show him the new me… Do you think I have to wait till he contacts me? Or send him something in a few weeks? I know that planning a journey to see him is risky but how long is this gonna take, its already been 4 month, I’m feeling in between all the time..

    Thanks !

    • Kevin January 11, 2015, 1:16 am

      Hey Helen,

      I can’t say how long it’ll take. It could be a few weeks or maybe a few months. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do. I usually advice people to set a time limit for themselves. How long are you willing to wait for him? 6 months or a year. If your ex is still cold after that time limit, then you should consider moving on.

  • KellieAlexis January 12, 2015, 4:24 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I’m back with an update! I’m the ‘deaths door’ girl. I finished nc and my initiated contact with my ex which included asking if we could catch up. He seemed reluclant at first but he ended up on choosing the time and place. We went fishing at the river in our town. We just chatted as is if we were picking up from where we left off when we were in our good times. We talked about what we had been up to, how our holidays were and how our families are. He even then came and looked over my car where someone had hit it over the holidays. I mentioned it to him but wasn’t overly concerned.
    We stayed talking for just under an hour and it started raining so we both left.
    Two days later I was packing up my house and found something of his. I txt and asked if he wanted me to drop it off. He said ‘no, it’s ok, wait until next time we catch up.’ I don’t know if that is a good sign or a bad sign. I did txt him late afternoon the day after we caught up and said I enjoyed myself and it was good to hear how his family is and that he looked refreshed. He replied telling me what he had been doing for the day and I left it at that. When we were talking I got the impression he was kind of checking me out, I’ve been doing boot camp since we broke up and am in good shape and noticed he was looking at my waist a lot.
    What is your opinion on how this all went? The best thing for me is that I still love him but it doesn’t hurt anymore if you know what I mean?
    KellieAlexis

    • Kevin January 12, 2015, 5:14 am

      Hey,

      I think it went great. And it’s definitely a good sign that he is expecting to meet again. Keep it up and don’t do anything needy or desperate.

      • KellieAlexis January 18, 2015, 5:10 am

        Hi Kevin

        Well we caught up again last night. This time he came to my house. It was much like last time, chatting and enjoying each other’s company.
        It came about as we had been texting during the day. Initially I initiated it, but later in the evening, he did. He asked me if I had been on any dates and at first I didn’t answer, I just asked him ‘why, had he?’ He said no and I told him that I had (because I have). He told me that he isnt very social anymore and that he reckons the women here are all fake. I asked him if that included me and he said no, that he thinks I’m normal. He then started opening up a bit saying that I should find someone without baggage, and crap who will end up disappointing me. I told him that we all have baggage, and baggage is ok, and that I’ve been working on mine. I told him that for the record he had never dissapointed me if that was what he was getting at. He said he wasn’t but I don’t know why else he would say that.
        Anyway we joked around a bit and then I told him if he felt like being a bit social I could come and hang out and help him work on his car for a while if he wanted. He said the work that he was doing I couldn’t help with so suggesting stopping by my place afterwards. I wasn’t holding my breath for him to, but he did and we stayed up talking for nearly 3 hours. It actually reminded me of when we first met and were getting to know each other. I messaged him this morning and said it great catching up, of course I talked way too much but nothin has changed and to enjoy what he had planned for the day. He replied 8hrs later and said just said thanks.
        My gut feeling is that he still cares a lot about me, and having a good time has freaked him out.
        What do you think?

        • Kevin January 18, 2015, 11:17 am

          You are probably right. Don’t push him. Give him some time and space to deal with his feelings.

          • KellieAlexis February 2, 2015, 5:21 am

            Hi Kevin
            It’s been just over 2 weeks and he’s pretty much completely ignored me since our catch up. I’m starting to think it’s just that he’s not into me. What do you make of this behaviour?

          • Kevin February 2, 2015, 8:32 am

            You may be right. You can try contacting him again if you haven’t done so till now. If you have been contacting him and he still has been cold, then you should definitely consider moving on at this point.

  • Leonardo January 12, 2015, 6:46 am

    What should I do if our anniversary is around the 30 day mark and I haven’t contacted them yet? Should I send the text on our anniversary?

    • Kevin January 13, 2015, 3:38 am

      I’ll recommend you extend no contact to 45 days in this case.

  • Hardcharger January 12, 2015, 2:09 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    Hardcharger here with an update. Last time you recommended a month of no contact and I followed through with that and we had a run-in downtown with friends getting drinks. We talked warmly for about 45 minutes hugging and having a conversation. It was amazing! The following 4 or 5 days we exchanged texts here and there, but I don’t feel very much warmth in the texts. Didn’t text her for almost a week and then today we were texting for a little while. I haven’t suggested anything like hanging out or doing anything. I feel as though we are at a stalemate. I find she is very difficult to read and I don’t feel warmth in her texts. I do not know what the next move is.

    Thanks Kevin!

    • Kevin January 13, 2015, 3:40 am

      I think you should ask her to hangout. If she says no, you can back off for a couple of weeks. You gotta try to move forward.

      • Hardcharger January 13, 2015, 9:12 am

        That is what I have been thinking about, and I have a plan. How about valentines day I send anonymous flowers and when confronted about them I will deny my knowledge of them, but she will know that it was me. Then ask to hang out the next day, not a date as you said not to do, but to hang out. If I am denied to hang out, what is next? Even if I am not denied but she has plans or something, what are my options?

        • Kevin January 14, 2015, 8:40 am

          I won’t recommend Valentines Day flowers. It’ll make it quite obvious that you want her back. You don’t want that just yet. You don’t want to give her a reason to put up her defenses. If you are denied, wait for a couple of weeks and start texting again.

  • Kerstin Herschmann January 12, 2015, 2:52 pm

    This is a bunch of BS,I would never try to get my ex back and change my life completely for anybody to see me in a different light. You can’t make nobody want you,nor should anybody fell the need to do so. Move on with your life and meet someone who is crazy about you. Besides I rather be alone then with an ex who stayed with you out of pitty…

    • Kevin January 13, 2015, 3:42 am

      I understand where you are coming from. A lot of people feel this way about their ex. And I agree with your last sentence. However, notice I am not recommending them to change just for the sake of getting their ex. But to become a better person for themselves. I state many times on this website that no contact period is for you and not your ex.

  • mikenovotny January 12, 2015, 3:06 pm

    Hi, im curious about the no contact rule when you have a kid involved? How do you go about that?

    • Kevin January 13, 2015, 3:41 am

      I talk about it here.

  • Haley January 15, 2015, 1:48 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    It’s been a long time since I’ve commented on this site. My first post was back in May 29th 2014 and the end of the thread is on June 3rd (in case you need reference).

    I had been doing well, a couple weeks after our conversation I went to a 5 day concert event with a good male friend of mine from high school who I had started to grow close to a couple months prior. We had a moment and spontaneously kissed, and the next day we talked and decided to try seeing eachother, although we were both not past our old relationships yet.

    All this time later I am still seeing him, but I don’t feel much of anything beyond friendship for this guy. He is as sweet as they come but I don’t think he’s responsible. He doesn’t keep his word, seems to always screw things up, and he doesn’t have much going on in his life other than dating me. He’s blown off his friends to see me and he doesn’t seem like he has an opinion of his own- he’s always just agreeing with whatever I say and telling me what I want to hear. He is a good friend but I am dissatisfied in the relationship.

    Rewinding to after I got back from the concert trip, I had started taking a long time to reply to my ex’s texts or flat out not replying and he reacted to it by sending other texts like “are you there?” and “can you just tell me if you’re alright?” but I never told him why I wasn’t replying because he didn’t ask. And I know he hates conflict so I didn’t want to be the one initiating it by telling him things without his asking. He kept reaching out for a while there, after either a couple days or a couple weeks he would always text me “hey how are you?” I would always stop replying every time he said did something I didn’t like, such as trash talk his friends. Eventually we ended up going a month at a time (give or take) without speaking, and he’d still always reach out. He even broke a month of no contact to text me happy birthday in October, and even got the day right! He never remembers anyone else’s birthdays. We stayed in touch for a few weeks or so until he stopped replying to me, and the times he did reply in this period, he always took many hours or even a day or 2 sometimes.

    Any time he and I spoke after the trip, we never talked about the idea of “us” or even hung out. It was all catching up but not really all small talk, for instance he mentioned going to the college I just started at. We hung out once with another mutual friend on the 4th of July when I convinced him to come along after he turned down the invitation from our friend. Since then I have not seen him.

    This time I reached out to him 5 days ago because I’ve felt a crippling depression coming on and wanted him to be in my life again. He is replying to me and is once again taking a long time to do so. I don’t know if he is just busy as he always has been, is playing games, or is just hesitant to talk to me. I find myself reading posts on sites like these, reading old texts from him dating back years ago, and missing him every day and it hurts me.

    What do you gather from this? Do you think there’s a chance he’d ever come back, and what do you think would increase my odds?

    • Kevin January 16, 2015, 12:32 pm

      Haley,

      Since it’s been more than six months, I’ll recommend you consider cutting him off completely and try to move on. There might still be a chance but I don’t recommend spending so much time emotionally invested in someone else. If you still want to give it one last shot then you might want to become a little aggressive in your approach. Ask him to hang out with you. If things don’t move forward in the next month, you should definitely cut him off for good.

  • Haley January 17, 2015, 1:41 pm

    I’ve tried moving on, it’s been a year since my ex and I had started to fall apart and it’s always been tough. But I guess it’s been more like 6 or 7 months that we’ve /really/ been apart. Even when we go through periods of no contact, I sometimes actually feel worse not talking to him. Granted, our no contact periods have only ever been a month at a time, give or take a couple weeks.

    I talked to the guy I’m seeing about all of this last night- how I feel about him and I and how I feel about my ex, and we had a great talk. I decided I want to move on but I don’t know how. I’ve tried things suggested on this page: NC, seeing my friends, keeping busy at school and work, seeing other people, and I don’t think I’ve made much progress at all. Today I feel great and I feel closer than ever to the guy I’m seeing, but it pains me to the point of tears to think about how hopeless I feel about how to actually move on. I’d like to focus on how to move on for the sake of this new guy because I actually really do like him and want to be with him despite the things I said in my last post. But also for my own peace of mind.

    When you say cut my ex off “for good” do you mean forever or indefinitely? I actually believe exes can be friends and someday when I can handle it, I want to be his friend again. He’s the closest friend I’ve ever had. I actually had an ex from over 2 years ago come back to me recently. I think he was trying to get me back at first but now we are just friends and even hang out in groups and we text most days. As far as the one I’m not over, I would really like to try again with him someday if this new guy and I didn’t work out. In your experience, do you often see guys come back after such long periods of time like 2 years?

    • Kevin January 18, 2015, 11:05 am

      It happens a lot. And yes, I mean indefinitely. Don’t reply to his messages or calls until you are absolutely sure you are over him. You obviously can’t be friends with him right now. If in the future, you feel you are ready for friendship, then go ahead and get back in touch with him. But until then, you are better off not contacting him.

  • Anjali January 17, 2015, 8:48 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    This is my third time posting. To give you context I was dating a investment banker from Uni for about 2.5 years till he started working/ got very busy and put in nothing into the relationship till about a year ( of long distance). At uni, things were great for the most part with some ups and down.

    I broke up with him in September and he didn’t stop me. I emailed him the day after about ” keeping the door open” and he never responded. I never contacted him again. 2 months passed and he asked to talk to tell me”he wasn’t ready for a relationship now” but did love me and was having a tough time moving on. We texted a bit till conversation ended. No conversation for about 3 weeks. I initiated right around christmas/ new years and have ben exchanging texts ever 2-3 days. He responded to everything but I feel like I always end up being the one who ends up ” continuing” conversation and changing the topic.I’ve been waiting for it to end on a note that forces him to initiate but it hasn’t happened.

    Not sure what to do. Conversation has been pretty light-hearted/ not relationship related/ nothing deep either. What do you think? I still want him/ love him and I’m not sure if I should let this continue or he needs to feel my absence entirely again? maybe he’s comforted that we’ve been texting (it certainly comforts me). But I’m worried he’ll forget about me if we stop texting entirely because right now we both know that we still have feelings for each other and it probably keeps it on our minds ( even if there’s no way we’re getting back together any time now). He seems pretty set on career focus right now and even told me when he contacted me he def wasn’t ready and he didn’t mean anything by what he said but just wanted to tell me how he felt ( but i do think he also did it because he loved me and doesn’t entirely want me to move on either even if he didn’t say so).

    Should i keep it how it is/ keep in touch or go silent again?

    • Kevin January 18, 2015, 11:14 am

      You are right about him not wanting you to move on. I don’t think staying in touch with him is going to increase your chances of getting him back (whenever he is ready for a relationship). In my opinion, he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. You are both providing each other little comfort by talking to each other, but it’s not going to help you get him back neither is it going to help you move on. If you go silent, you can concentrate on moving on. If he wants you back, he will contact you again.

  • e.p. January 18, 2015, 12:50 am

    Is there any other way I can contact you? I really need advice.

    • Kevin January 18, 2015, 11:15 am

      Hey e.p,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your question on the message boards.

      • e.p. January 19, 2015, 1:45 am

        How can I post? It doesn’t let me register. It say incorrect email. Should I continue trying to post it here hoping it gets approved?

      • e.p. January 19, 2015, 1:51 am

        Ok so I need help. I’m really confused.
        So my ex boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years and a couple months and we have a 2 year old daughter. We started dating when he was 16 and I was 17 (we’re a year & a week apart.) At first when we started dating he was always calling and texting me and I was more of the distant one. After like 3 months of being in our relationship we had an argument over my birthday plans and he broke up with me I realized I actually loved him after I couldn’t even enjoy my birthday let alone it was my 18th birthday. I reached out to him and told him I missed him he said he did too and that he wanted to get back.

        We got back together and everything was fine. We started getting more serious and we spent everyday and every single minute possible together. We were inseparable until one day little by little things started changing. A month before our 1 year anniversary he broke up with me and said it was better if we broke up. It was out of the blue I had just seen him and even spent the night at his house the whole weekend.

        I told him we can talk about it but he said no but then that we can talk when he came back from his trip to Vegas. So he came back and 3 days later we talked in person and we said he didn’t love me anymore, I cried and practically begged him to get back and that we can make it work. He didn’t take me back and said sorry it didn’t work out. I was depressed and started going out a lot it helped me to forget him BUT we have the same friends so we’d run into each other but I’d just ignore him and we’ll say hi out of courtesy but didn’t try to conversate.

        I would text him at night when I was drinking or felt like I needed to tell him how I felt. He would reply sometimes but he would just say no. After being broken up for 2 months I texted him one night and asked if we had any chance on getting back. He said no that we would never get back. I said ok and that I would leave him alone. I did but I was hurt. I still continued seeing him at parties and 2 times he took 2 different girls with him to the parties.

        By this time he was 18 and I was 19 years old. We has been broken up for 5 months already almost 6 months and one night at a party we started talking we were drinking and next thing you know we’re kissing and bam we’re back together. He kept saying he never stopped loving me and that he missed me so much that he’s never missed a girl so much like he’s missed me. That he never wanted to let me go again etc.

        We were good for a month but then he started accusing me of hooking up with his friends when we were broken up. I would hang out with his friends but because we had mutual friends I told him I didn’t and it was a huge thing. We would break up for like an hour and then get back. We were like this for like 5 months then we found I was pregnant.

        This changed everything and we decided to leave the past behind. I never told him anything about the girls he would bring around when we weren’t together so we felt it was best to move forward. Then one day I happen to go through his facebook (we were ok with us going in each others phones but I know not healthy) I wasn’t expecting to find anything I trusted him but i don’t know why I still looked. I found him messaging girls saying they were the most beautiful girls he’s ever seen. He denied having a gf (I was 6 months pregnant when I saw all this) we lived together so for him to deny me was tough. I would go work and god knows what he was doing.

        I confronted him about it he owned up to it and apologized said he was stupid and that didn’t mean it etc. I forgave him and we worked it out and moved past that. By this time I was 20 and he was 19 now. I had our daughter in Jan.2013 and everything was going great. We were happy and no more sneaky things but then I starteD feeling insecure about how I looked. I had stretchmarks and had gained weight. I would accuse him of wanting other girls and then we started arguing. I started to become a bit bitter and I wasn’t happy with myself.

        Months pasted and we kept trying to make it work I then turned 21 and him 20. 2014 has been our worst year ever. After our daughter turned one like 4 months after he started going out to parties with his friends and wouldn’t even invite me anymore. I started to feel left out and I wanted to come along but if I’d mention to tag along he’d get mad and sometimes he’d prefer to stay in than to take me. One day again I saw his facebook and text messages. He was doing his sneaky things again and started talking to girls and flirting.

        I confronted him again and we broke up for like 3 days. we got back and decided to keep trying. It was until like July that things started getting weird. I felt him distant and I can just feel him staying away. I had asked him about going out with him that night but he got mad and then left to work. I texted him saying it wasn’t a big deal I’m his gf. He then replied saying he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. That he didn’t want me. I moved out and he then went looking for me and we talked up front and said everything we didn’t like about each other.

        He told me he didn’t want to be with me because of my weight and that I had let myself go (which I had) I told him I’d work on that but he had to stop talking to girls. He said he’d stop. He didn’t actually start to drastically change until he started his new job in august. He started to become more irresponsible. He started drinking everyday, going out and sometimes wouldn’t even come home. My aunt’s bf had got him the job so he was always with him. I told him he was changing but he wouldn’t listen. We got even worst in October he started hanging out with girls and would lie about when he went to work.

        I caught him so many times but he kept saying he was sorry that he loved me and he didn’t know why he did that. Like 2 weeks before the official break up(Nov.12) he told me he loved me, that he never wanted lose to me, that he realized I was the only person who would ever be there for him. That we just needed to work on our relationship. We tried but he kept lying and hanging out with girls. I broke up with him but again like always we got back together. Then the day before my 22 birthday he broke up with me. I didn’t take it that bad because we always break up and get back.

        Then 4 days later I get a call from my friend that my ex was in jail for a dui(3 days before turning 21) that he had told them to call me. I came up with the money to bail him out and was on my way to visit him but then he called me and somehow he had bailed himself out. Also forgot to mention I had moved back in. Anyways I thought maybe after this we’d be ok again but I was wrong. He stayed with a friend for a couple days and he then texted me that we couldn’t be together because we just couldn’t get along.

        I told him we couldn’t get along because of what he did. I begged him to try it out but he kept saying no that he didn’t love me anymore and that he wasn’t attracted to me that he was attracted to someone else. What was confusing was that he kept texting me when he felt down or just to talk like advice but then he would stop replying and wouldn’t answer me. I then decided to talk to him and see if we can work on it he said no. I decided to stay maybe like that he would take me back.

        on Dec.12 I found out he’s in a relationship with some girl I know. But they must have started to date like a week after we broke up. I confronted him and he said when he was locked up he wasn’t talking to her yet. So I don’t understand when they did. He then said she was helping him alot and that he’d helped her a lot as well(she did/does meth). I got angry because all I’ve ever done was help him and support him in everything.

        He said she was giving him gas money and that she took him food that she was a grown woman. I’m 22 and he’s 21 now. I told him I was looking for a job but that he was the one that would tell me not to work and focus on our daughter so for him to throw that in my face. Anyways I left for a week & stayed at my mom’s but didn’t take everything from his house. He begged me to go back saying that our daughter needed us to be together (not as a couple just living together ) I told him no. That I wasn’t happy and that he was in a relationship and I wouldn’t be a part of that.

        He said he would stop working there but i don’t know if that’s suppose to make me feel better but it didnt. The thing is he is still with her. He met her through the job so if he leaves the job he leaves her behind but he would go visit her I’m sure. I want him back I do and I started regaining confidence. I’ve lost a lot of weight almost back to my old self before my daughter but I’m doing this for me. I’m looking for a job and trying to move forward for myself and daughter but the thing is I still love him.

        I went back for Christmas & ended up staying a week but during that week I decided to write him a letter saying that I agreed with the break up that we both needed to work on ourselves & that maybe one day we can get back. On new years eve I ended up packing everything & moved out. I didn’t want to start the year in all that.

        Everyone in his family and even a couple of his close friends say that he’s gonna regret it when he sees I’m doing well and that I have my life together. They also say they’re sure the relationship won’t last but I don’t what to think that. I love him and as crazy I may seem I really do think he’s the one. We had been great before this new job well good but we were always down to work on it but after this new job he changed a lot and his family thinks the same.

        I don’t know if maybe it’s because now that he turned 21 he feels free because a lot of guys I know say that they felt free at 21 and all they wanted to do was be single and mess around. Although he’s with this girl one of his friends told me that he was talking to another girl too so he’s not even being faithful to this one girl. I know I may seem stupid for wanting him but I honestly feel he can change.

        His family notice that our relationship was different than any other relationships he had been in. I honestly know he was in love with me I would feel it and he would show it and I still feel like he does but he’s just confused and doesn’t want to commit now. I did tell him though that I was done begging him and if that’s what he was expecting then to not hold his breath because I was done begging. I told him I want you but I don’t need you. I can live without you. I love you but I’m done begging.

        Also his cousin told me on Christmas that he told her he was done with that girl but I found out just recently that he’s still hanging out with her. Is it really a rebound or is it more serious? We’ve been broken up for 2 months now. I am focusing on myself I just need help and to see if I even have a chance or is he really done with me. I love him so much and I want my family back together. I know we took each other for granted. Sorry for this being so long.

        • Don January 19, 2015, 2:52 am

          Hey e.p
          I really feel for you, it’s gut wrenching when you love someone dearly but they just don’t seem to care. All I want is my family back but it just feels like it’s never going to happen. I love and miss my ex and baby girl terribly but I can’t even speak to her via text without her spitting venom at me. It’s a helpless feeling. I hope it works out for you.
          All the best , Don.

          • e.p. January 19, 2015, 4:03 pm

            Yes it is. I hate that feeling. We only text based on our daughter. I don’t tell him anything about us anymore. But you do feel helpless cause all you want is them. I’m sorry I hope your ex can stop doing that and just let you enjoy your daughter at least for her sake. I will never talk bad about her father even after all the bad he’s done to me. She will be the one to choose the image of her father based on his actions towards her. Thank you I really hope it works out for you too. Best wishes.

        • Kevin January 19, 2015, 1:59 pm

          Hey,

          You did good by telling him that you don’t need him. And it’s great that you are getting your life together. However, I think you are lying to yourself if you think your relationship was good before the job. He has been unfaithful for a very long time and you have given him enough chances. There’s a pretty good chance he will want you back. But I will not recommend you to take him back. I can almost guarantee that he will go back to his old ways once you are back together. Do no contact and cut him off from your life for a year. You will realize that you are much better off without him and you will agree with me in not taking him back. Stop trying to change him. He won’t.

          • e.p. January 19, 2015, 4:14 pm

            Yes it’s true. We were bad even before the job only reason I say that was because he was always willing to work on it but yeah you’re right. I don’t have him on any social media. I don’t call him at all only text but only based on our daughter. He always replies to me and right away but 2 days ago I texted him asking him something about our daughter’s birthday which is next week and he never replied which I found odd. I don’t want to believe the girl is influencing him to not talk to me. She knows who I am and that he has a kid. Since I moved out I’ve only seen him once and that was when he was dropping off our daughter. We said hi and bye, we were civil. We didn’t argue or anything. I guess I need to ignore my heart and just not take him back even if we have a chance. Thank you

          • e.p. January 24, 2015, 2:32 am

            Hello Kevin

            I don’t know if you remember my post but last time I posted you told me to cut contact off with my ex boyfriend for a year but we have a daughter so we have to keep in contact for her since she’s only 2 years old. Anyways he came to visit her and so he was around me but we decided to hang out at my best friend’s house, since I moved back in with my mom. She’s my neighbor and her boyfriend is friends with him so it worked out fine. So he was very friendly with me and was acting like the dad I’ve been wanting him to act like for months. He’s not a bad dad but I know he can do better than he had been showing. We weren’t all up on each other I gave him his space to be with our daughter but he’d ask me a couple things or joke around as a group. We got along quite well, better than we had in a couple months of when we were together. Also I feel like he still has feelings for me but keeps trying to deny them. It helped a lot that you said I’m better off without him because although I love him and still want him back, I’m ok now if it doesn’t happen. I don’t know what happened but I just changed my mentality like I’m open to new things. Again I love him with all my heart but I find myself not worried so much about his social media or thinking about what he’s doing. I know he’s most likely still talking to that one girl but I’m ok with that. Its hard to explain but in other words I still would like for us to get back but if it doesn’t happen I’m ok with moving on. Thank you so much.

          • Kevin January 24, 2015, 10:31 am

            That’s great e.p. I am glad your mentality has changed. Remember, there’s a good chance he will want you back at some point in the future. At that point, do not be too quick to accept him. Take your time to think things through. In my opinion, if you take him back, things will go back to the way they were. Him constantly cheating on you and you hoping he will change. So think very carefully before taking him back.

  • Anjali January 18, 2015, 12:06 pm

    Kevin,

    With regards to your response, I understand that continuing to keep in touch won’t necessarily help me get him back, but if i stop keeping in touch do you think that will help/ make a difference? Is it more likely to work in my favor if i stop speaking to him again?

    Right now keeping in touch is obviously slowing me down from moving but not entirely, I’ve started looking at dating other people and texting this guy I met recently. However it’s not interfering with daily functioning. I don’t wait for his texts.

    All the same, I’d rather do whatever has a higher chance of him wanting me back. Do you think if i cut contact he will miss me again?

    Anjali

    • Kevin January 19, 2015, 1:34 pm

      I think you have a higher chance of getting him back if you cut contact with him.

  • Paul January 19, 2015, 12:22 pm

    This is great, man
    I got dumped today, I found this and read it, and I don’t even want her back anymore xD

  • delusion January 19, 2015, 7:07 pm

    I made a tread meeting guidelines and is not posted.

    I would like to know why.

    • Kevin January 20, 2015, 12:18 am

      Hey,

      Sorry about that. The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can always post your message on the message boards and get response from the community.

  • Calista January 21, 2015, 3:06 am

    Hi Kevin,

    It has been nearly two months since I last posted. I have tried to implement minimal contact with my husband for three weeks. Our relationship has improved. Today is our wedding anniversary. Initially we are planning to meet up for lunch, but he was sick and unable to make it. On 25th Jan, it will be our formal seperation for two years and he could proceed with divorce if he wants to do it soley. He messaged me “let’s have lunch another time. I want to have a good discussion with you.” I sweated after I read this message, because my gut feeling told me he wanted to discuss about the divorce arrangement. I would have hoped that he skips this topic and treats as if nothing happenes.

    I started to panic and asked him what he wants to discuss. But he doesn’t want to talk about it. What should I do? Do you think the message he sent has any implicint meaning behind it?

    • Kevin January 21, 2015, 5:53 am

      I can’t say. There’s a chance that you are right about him wanting to discuss the divorce. If he does, then I’ll recommend you go ahead with it. It’s been two years since you are separated. If he still wants a divorce, then your chances of getting him back are very slim. You will be better off concentrating on moving on.

      • Calista January 21, 2015, 7:08 am

        thanks for your reply.

        i was thinking if he wants to discuss about divorce, i won’t discuss it with him. we won’t align and that is against my wish. he can proceed with it by himself without the need to discuss it with me.

        despite we had seperated for two years, our relationship has been better than before n we come out regularly as if we hace not seperated. to me, marriage is a life long commitment.

        do u think our chance of getting back together is slim?

  • Calista January 21, 2015, 7:15 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Actually, i would like to ask what should i do after he proceeds with divorce?

    currently, we have family time together with our child. i treasure our family time and i enjoyed it. i have no regret for the past two years as that was what i wanted to do and thas my time when i realise i have a family, so i treasure it a lot.

    if he proceeds with divorce, would it be better off for both of us not getting together for family time. that is i just drop off my child with him. so that i can get use of my life without him?

    • Calista January 21, 2015, 9:48 am

      Kevin,

      I told my husband i am very upset by simply hearing he wants to have a good discussion with me without having even heard about the divorce word. i also told him that if he proceeds with divorce, i won’t continue the family time with him anymore.

      He told me he will put off discussing anything with me. does this sound more hopeful?

      now, what could i do next? i still haven’t finished my minimal contact period. should i just continue with it n then the remaining plan?

      • Kevin January 22, 2015, 4:38 am

        Hey Calista,

        If he wants a divorce even if your relationship is better than before, then it means he doesn’t want to be with you. And I think if he doesn’t want to be with you even after 2 years of separation, then you are better off without him. I agree that you shouldn’t continue family time with him if he goes through with divorce so you can learn to live without him.

        If you still want to fight for him, you should do no contact (or minimal contact with your communications being only about your child). Do it for a couple of months and try to make some positive changes in your life during this time. Any type of positive changes will help in not only getting him back but also getting over him in case you are not able to reconcile.

  • Calista January 22, 2015, 7:14 am

    Dear Kevin,

    I really appreciate your response as i am looking for some guidance during my critical moments.

    After much struggles, my husband wants to discuss selling our joint property as he finds it hard to afford it while he is currently renting a place and is looking for a job. we shared the down payment while he had paid for the mortgage for the past four years till now. i am a bit sad that he raised this but he agrees not to go ahead with divorce at this stage.

    I don’t want to combat his wish n reluctantly agree to sell the flat. he will give me half of the sales proceeds. he said he try to be as reasonable with me as possible.

    i asked him why he is still considering a divorce. he said becox i keep pestering him on and off to move back in and having another child with me. i admit i dont do well on this.

    but now, he is willing to hold off the divorce decision.

    yes, i still want to fight for him as he is not a bad person. aftering hearing the above, do u think i have a chance?

    the fact that he suddenly brought up that topic disrupt my minimal contact plan. from what u said, i just need to continue with it. i m worried that i m running out of time as our seperation date is due. so i thought of hurring off to the next stage – that is to rebuild connect.

    what do u suggest now? thanks.

    • Kevin January 24, 2015, 10:17 am

      Hy Calista,

      “Not a bad person”. Is that what you want to settle for? There are a lot of great guys out there who are caring, thoughtful, loving, loyal and more compatible with you than your ex. Guys who will treat you the way you deserve and will commit fully into making the relationship work.

      If that is your reason for wanting to be with your ex, then I must say that I don’t agree with your decision.

      Nevertheless, it’s your decision and not mine. And if you want him back, I’ll recommend you continue with minimal contact for a couple of months. Only talk to him about the sale and your child. And do as I said in my last comment.

  • Aly January 23, 2015, 1:50 am

    Hey Kevin,
    So an unknown person anonymously let him family and girlfriend know about the pregnancy and he played as if he had just found out too, acting shocked.
    He told me he didn’t want to be friends, that it was probably one of my “messed in the head friends” who told his girlfriend, that he wants me to just get an abortion, get this “all over with and leave me and my crazy issues in the past.”
    According to him his girlfriend wasnt shocked or upset and is acting like I am not pregnant and getting more possessive. He told me he can’t keep taking me to Planned Parenthood or keep talking to me about it.
    Even while he was telling me he didn’t want to be friends and only put up with me due to mutuals it still sounded far from the truth (he wouldn’t reach out on his own/try to see me/keep pictures/show up to see me and take me home/etc. ) and we talked for two hours, half of which was about the pregnancy, the other about random conversation bits such as cars, and our lives, animals and so on.
    I let him know I understand how he felt and that I wanted him to be happy.
    He told me he liked his girlfriend and planned on hooking up with her before I came in his life and he fell in love with me.
    Today tensions were high since we have started fighting about how important going to planned parenthood was, and I ended up walking out to avoid one of us blowing up. He was getting very agitated and he pushed and swore at his closest friend who started defending me. Hes a very calm, laid back person and I’ve never seen him like this before. But tensions and blaming is very high right now and he wants to run and leave me behind.

    What do I do? How do I even begin getting him back Kevin?

    • Aly January 24, 2015, 4:24 am

      Had a talk with him tonight and he admitted to overreacting when he threatened to oermenantly leave and admitted to losing his cool lately due to being really stressed and we agreed not to fight and work together as a team in regards to the pregnancy. He embraced and hugged me and was pretty reassuring and apologetic.
      He still holds to not loving me or wanting to go back because of the past and because he has his current girlfriend.
      How do I get him back at this point?
      Or act towards him?

    • Kevin January 24, 2015, 10:26 am

      Hey Aly,

      I think at this point, you should concentrate more on what’s best for you and the baby than getting him back. There’s a good chance you will not get him back. And you should accept that. You should not push him into getting back together. Like I said in my last comment, you should act like you don’t want him back instead of making it obvious that you want him back.

      • Aly January 30, 2015, 1:09 pm

        Thank you Kevin, I found out he deleted all our pictures but he has also been lying to his girlfriend about us who had no knowledge of anything. She wants to help him and I with the pregnancy and she still feels worried and threatened. He’s on board to help out and go to aoointments but doesn’t want to be involved if I decide to keep the child.
        While the the pregnancy is my number one priority.
        I do still love him and want him back but I don’t know if I should get space or get closer.
        some of his friends have a feeling we will get back together. As of now he started dating the extremely young girlfriend two months ago, a week after we broke up, she told me she thought about breaking up with him but also likes him and has considered going through his entire phone out of worry before because I would text him and he wouldn’t tell her why.
        He and I have casual conversations besides the baby and he got coffee with my friend and I on Monday and kept that a secret.
        I don’t know what to do or what steps to take

        • Kevin January 31, 2015, 4:47 am

          I think you should get space and not try to get close with him. His relationship looks like a rebound and speaking from experience, I think it’ll end soon. Like I said before, keep doing your thing and don’t act like you want him back.

          • Aly February 4, 2015, 2:18 am

            Hey Kevin!
            I’ve been trying to do my best to get some space, his girlfriend tried to come back into my life again since he had been keeping her in the dark and lying,
            I to my regret filled her in and she tightened her grip and still feels worried,
            but,
            initially he and I were tense and ended up conversating at a point where we let out a lot of negativity, positivity, made jokes and he referenced our sex life and joked around about that. He explained how he doesn’t know how to handle any of this, and though he did bring up his girlfriend once, we ended up finishing our conversation laughing and on a good note. He brought up how he cares about me regardless of whether we are dating and I shouldn’t make assumptions that he doesn’t care.
            He also said he wanted to be “done with me” still and that his family wants to communicate to mine about the pregnancy.
            What would be some next steps?

          • Kevin February 4, 2015, 8:19 am

            Like I said before, your main concern right now should just be your pregnancy. If it’s meant to be, he will come around. I am not sure if you are still giving him the vibe that you want to be with him or he is just saying that to feel like he has power over you. If it’s the former, then try not to. Regardless, let him know clearly that you do not intend to get back with him and you are only concerned about your well being and doing what’s best for you. And waiting for him is not good for you. In fact, next time he brings up the topic of him not wanting to be with you, tell him you completely agree with him and that you don’t want it either.

  • Annie January 23, 2015, 2:12 pm

    Thank you so much for this great advice. I really needed this… 🙂

    • Annie January 28, 2015, 11:53 pm

      Thanks so much for putting this out there and for free and for genuinely helping people out. Bless you for doing that. I found all your information here very helpful and useful, and I promise you I would have never found anything so to the point as this anywhere else. This is exactly what I needed to read and it’s right on the money. The way you put everything so simply and laid everything out, it’s perfect. You really helped me out and puts things into perspective. You are amazing and thanks for doing that!! 🙂

      • Kevin January 29, 2015, 10:52 am

        Thank you for your comment Annie. Good luck. 🙂

  • Calista January 24, 2015, 7:07 pm

    Dear Kevin,

    Thanks a lot for your concern.

    I am thinking would it be because i keep on pestering him to move back in with me, thas why he is defensive in making a move to get back with me.

    I am not sure if i have told u the reason why we broke up. We married for six years but i didnt respect him n treat him properly as my husband. for the past six years, i didn’t live with him. He has endured n loved me a lot. But since i didnt work on the relationship, his love to me dried up.

    Given we r on seperation mode, what he is doing to me is more decent than most men who had broken up with his gf or wife.

    After hearing the above, would your view to his love / treatment to me change?

    • Kevin January 25, 2015, 3:40 am

      Hey Calista,

      Given you have been separated for the past 2 years and he still doesn’t want to get back together, I still think you should consider moving on. He might be treating you better than most people, but he is not giving you the commitment that you want. If you look at things from a different perspective, him treating you nicely after the breakup is giving you hope and in a way stopping you from moving on. If he had treated you like “most men”, perhaps you would have moved on from him till now and found someone who makes you happy.

      Whatever his reasons are for not going ahead with divorce and giving you hope (not wanting you to move on, not wanting to hurt you, not wanting to breakup his family) are in a way selfish. Like I said before, it’s your decision and if you want him back, you should go ahead and with minimal contact for a few months. But till when are you willing to live like this? Give it one last attempt. Or give yourself a time limit. Six months or a year. If he doesn’t want you back till then, you should give up hope and try to move on.

  • Calista January 25, 2015, 6:40 am

    Dear Kevin,

    Thanks for getting back to me.

    In a way, i think marriage is a life long commitment to me, i haven’t thought about and planned to look for someone else.

    i am not living in u.s.. honestly, in where i m living, there are not many good men. if there are, nearly all of them are already married and unavailable. furtheremore, the people in my country are pretty stereotype. It is not easy for a divorced woman with children to find another partner. most men prefer 20+ women.

    on another note, my counselor had analysed for me that my personality is a bit difficult to get along. there are only a few men would suit me and meet my criteria. my husband is one of them. unless i am able to change my personality, or else my h is who at this stage suits me the best.

    I chatted with my h today. he said he didnt think about proceeding with divorce if i hadn’t reminded him. often times, i played a role in pushing him to a corner where he felt he must get rid of the relationship.

    would you say that the first step if not getting divorce is the first milestone?

    what you said is true in theory. but in reality, i dont find it easy to find someone better than him. if he is willing to keep status quo, i would keep this relationship at this stage for my n my child’s benefit, until i meet someone better which is not easy.

    • Calista January 25, 2015, 6:47 am

      Oh, furthermore, i do not agree with divorce n it is against my wish. i shouldn’t kill the relationship by asking him to go ahead with divorce, should I?

      i m living well now, am enjoying my life on my own and my time with him, it is in a way moving on. i thought having a person whom i can practise how to get along with is a blessing. after divorce, i don’t see any future lies ahead for me… other than continue to be single.

      • Kevin January 27, 2015, 12:55 am

        Hey Calista,

        I think everything you are saying, about your culture and your personality being difficult to get along with, are just excuses you are giving yourself because it is scary to put yourself out there. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you become scared of the single life. It’s one of the biggest reason people find it difficult to move on. But how can you know this for sure unless you have tried?

        But anyways, if you are satisfied with your current arrangement with your ex, then I don’t see any harm with continuing with it. However, I still don’t agree with your reasoning behind it.

        • Calista January 27, 2015, 5:32 am

          Dear Kevin,

          Thanks for confirming my decision to keep the relationship. i have been checking for your replies every other hour.

          your replies have prompted a lot of thoughts in my mind and rethink what i want and where i stand.

          honestly, my husband has never given me any sweet talk to lead me on. it is me who find him worthwhile fighting for. i have a happy time with him now. he treats me well and makes me happy.

          I am already moving on (i.e. not live with him n have my own life). there is no more room for me to move on other than to divorce him. I am moving on but i want to keep the relationship. so far, i havent met any men who is more caring and thoughtful to me than he does. the only thing he has done to hurt me is probably the desire to leave. but he is still around.

          i am also wondering that i may not have done the right steps to save the relationship. instead of using minimal contact, i become a text n call gnats and constantly push him to a corner, yet he still bear with me. i believe other men would have run away already.

          I m not even sure if i can implement minimal contact starting now coz i really love talking. But i take your comments on board. i am moving on, while i keep this relationship as i m happy with him n enjoy being treated nicely.

          • Kevin January 28, 2015, 12:35 am

            Good Luck Calista. I’ll recommend you at least try minimal contact once. Let your ex know that you need space and time for yourself and I am sure he will understand. It’ll also make it easier to go ahead with implementing it once you have told him about it.

          • Calista January 28, 2015, 2:15 am

            Thanks for your recommendation.

            You are right that my ex is very understanding. When I told him I want some space and time from him, he was in fact very supportive and happy with it that I am attempting to make some changes. However, shortly after I said it, I broke it. You know, it is like if I am telling myself not to call him, I am reinforcing my wish to call him. haha. This is an excuse for myself. My ex would say I break what I said. So, I thought I may never be able to implement the correct procedure in winning my ex back. What I have been doing in the past two years are looping what I did wrong and sort of reinforce his decision to leave me is correct. Yet, he is still around. So I reckon that’s a good sign for my chance, as a way to cheer up myself.

            Everyone has a certain degree of selfishness. I am also selfish too. I am keeping him around for the sake of myself, instead of releasing him to the better world. My ex decides not to proceed to divorce is not because he is selfish and keeping on the string. It is because I said if he does so, I will be very hurt. He respects my wish. He has never lead me on…as I said.

            After hearing from your suggestion, it seems that minimal contact is the only way the go as the first step. If I don’t do it, I will never know start the “save the relationship” mission properly. On another note, throughout the past two years, I have been making some positive changes in myself (in terms of appearance which is easier to handle than changing personality, and stay strong). My ex admits that I am attractive. So, the only thing that is missing is the minimal contact.

  • e.p. January 25, 2015, 3:54 pm

    Hello Kevin

    I don’t know if you remember my post but last time I posted you told me to cut contact off with my ex boyfriend for a year but we have a daughter so we have to keep in contact for her since she’s only 2 years old. Anyways he came to visit her and so he was around me but we decided to hang out at my best friend’s house, since I moved back in with my mom. She’s my neighbor and her boyfriend is friends with him so it worked out fine. So he was very friendly with me and was acting like the dad I’ve been wanting him to act like for months. He’s not a bad dad but I know he can do better than he had been showing. We weren’t all up on each other I gave him his space to be with our daughter but he’d ask me a couple things or joke around as a group. We got along quite well, better than we had in a couple months of when we were together. Also I feel like he still has feelings for me but keeps trying to deny them. It helped a lot that you said I’m better off without him because although I love him and still want him back, I’m ok now if it doesn’t happen. I don’t know what happened but I just changed my mentality like I’m open to new things. Again I love him with all my heart but I find myself not worried so much about his social media or thinking about what he’s doing. I know he’s most likely still talking to that one girl but I’m ok with that. Its hard to explain but in other words I still would like for us to get back but if it doesn’t happen I’m ok with moving on. Thank you so much. Another little update we seen each other again 2 days later after he came to visit to see our daughter but only to pick up our daughter he started talking to me about his job & he’s been going through there. He’s nice to me and we actually get along. I don’t feel awkward being around him or to see him anymore. It feels nice to know we can get along after he swore we couldn’t and thats why he broke up with me. I have made some physical changes in my life I went from being 160 lbs to 129 lbs so that boosted up my self-esteem and I feel great. I actually feel I’m maturing a bit from this situation little by little. Again not going to lie to myself or anyone by saying I don’t want him back because I still do and I still love him but yeah I just wanted to update you a little on what’s been going on and to thank you!

  • Minstar January 28, 2015, 2:18 pm

    How do you do NC when you have children? We have four together and neither of us is willing to miss out on basketball games, etc. Also, he left me (married for 18 yrs and he cheated and is living with other woman now) and left me with the bills to figure out. He was in charge. Do I just do it by myself? I could be making big mistakes if I don’t consult him but maybe it’s worth it? Please advise.

    • Kevin January 29, 2015, 10:51 am

      I wrote about no contact with kids on this page. For the basketball games etc., I guess you will have to meet up with him. But try to keep the interactions with him minimum. Take a friend with you if possible so you have someone to talk to. If you need help with the bills, you can call him if it’s absolutely necessary, but it’ll be a better idea to ask someone else who also has experience with bills (a friend or family).

      • Minstar January 29, 2015, 9:32 pm

        He wants to be the one to make the decisions on the bills and how they are paid. I’d rather he stay out of it and let me do it now but he wants to be in control of how his money is spent (even if it’s to the detriment of paying down our debt). So do I just let him keep being in charge? If I got my separate account he would go ballistic and think I was trying to control him which would send him into a warring mindset.

        • Kevin January 29, 2015, 11:38 pm

          Interesting. If I were you, I’ll still get a separate account. Tell him that it was his decision to be separate and you have to learn to take care of yourself and not depend on him. Let him know that it’s not your intention to hurt him with this action or prove something to him. It is a part of you moving on from the breakup and if he wants to breakup, then he should be accepting of this. If you say it in a calm manner, he will probably understands. If he goes ballistic, cut contact with him for a while and give him time to process his thoughts. He will eventually calm down and accept it.

  • Esther January 29, 2015, 7:22 pm

    I sent you a comment a few days ago. Did you receive it?

    • Kevin January 29, 2015, 11:34 pm

      Esther,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. I’d recommend you post your questions on the message boards.

    • Andy January 30, 2015, 7:27 am

      Yes, I also submit a comment here and never made it.

  • e.p. January 30, 2015, 6:08 pm

    Kevin
    That’s great e.p. I am glad your mentality has changed. Remember, there’s a good chance he will want you back at some point in the future. At that point, do not be too quick to accept him. Take your time to think things through. In my opinion, if you take him back, things will go back to the way they were. Him constantly cheating on you and you hoping he will change. So think very carefully before taking him back.

    Sorry I had to copy & paste because it wasn’t letting me reply.

    Yes I will be more careful and think it through very carefully when it comes to making that decision. I need to see changes before I can even think about it and I will not just take him back like nothing. My self-esteem has gone up so much that I know I deserve to be happy and I will not settle for less. If he shows changes but then goes back then I will not put up with it because I don’t need that in my life, or just plain any other guy and their b.s. in my life. Thank you once again! 🙂

    • Kevin January 31, 2015, 4:48 am

      You are welcome e.p. 🙂

  • Phil January 30, 2015, 11:37 pm

    Thanks for this website, it’s amazing

  • rohit February 1, 2015, 1:53 am

    hi Kevin,
    i had left a message here
    please revert , need help

  • Mike February 2, 2015, 12:18 pm

    Trying to sign up for the emails but Im not receiving the confirmation code. Ive tried two different email addresses. Any ideas?

    • Kevin February 3, 2015, 8:28 am

      Hey Mike,

      The confirmation mail is already sent. Please check your junk/spam folder.

  • sadlyinlove February 3, 2015, 6:32 am

    Hi Kevin
    You have given me quite a lot to think about regarding my relationship with my husband and your advice seems sound.My husband and I have been seperated for more than a month( and yes I did reply to his messages).What I want to know is.I have left my husband previously for one month since September 2014 and than he asked me to come back and I did.
    I left him again since 25 December2014. I want him back. But this time he spoke about divorce and Iam panicking. Will he take me back? I’ll admit I am a difficult person to live with,because I feel he takes me for granted.His family and child always comes first.My sister told me that maybe I am too impulsive,immature and jealous.But I believe he made a vow to stick with me,becoming one and all that entails.Please help.

    • Kevin February 3, 2015, 8:32 am

      Hey,

      I can’t really say if he will go ahead with the divorce or not. But panicking is not going to help. Even if he is thinking about it, you have a chance to change his mind. And the best way to do that will be to follow the plan. Use no contact to work on your issues. Get professional help. Read books which deal with the issues you have. Learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. How to convey your desires and requests in a non threatening way. It’s a skill that can be learned. And all the issues you mentioned can be easily controlled/resolved with therapy and self awareness. Good luck.

  • Toby February 3, 2015, 11:52 am

    Hey Kevin,
    My ex has told the new guy she needs time and space to choose whether she will be with him, me or will stay single and try to move on. She told me she likes him and at the same time loves me and thinks it won’t be fair for one of us if she chooses the other, so she is considering staying alone. What should I do?

    • Toby February 3, 2015, 11:59 am

      One more thing. She thinks it’s selfish of her to just choose one of us. She is very confused and is analyzing the pros and cons of me and the other guy.

    • Kevin February 4, 2015, 8:13 am

      Don’t push her and if she decides to stay alone, tell her it’s OK. You can change her decision later on, but you if you act needy, desperate or push her, you will look unattractive which will probably push her to the other guy.

      • Toby February 4, 2015, 11:45 am

        What is better, being close to her while she’s deciding, or keeping a little distance? Should I make her think I’m slipping away from her, because that way she will be more interested in me? Maybe if she is 100% sure she can have me anytime, I won’t be so interesting to her? What should I do? Help me please! I feel like it’s a now or never situation, because if she chooses the other guy, I’m planning to give up on her and try to really move on. Thanks!

        • Kevin February 6, 2015, 9:34 am

          I think a little bit of both. Have a life of your own. Keep yourself busy. If she asks to meet or talk, then agree and meet up. But don’t always be too available for her. Most importantly, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make the right moves. Her decision is mainly going to depend on whatever happened till now and not what you do right now. She already said she loves you and only likes the other guy. As long as you don’t do anything to push her away (acting needy, insecure), you are going to be fine.

          • Toby February 7, 2015, 6:56 am

            Should I make romantic things, you know Valentine’s day is coming… I’ve planned buying tickets to a show I know she would enjoy? And I didn’t usually do that when we were together so I think she will be impressed.

          • Kevin February 7, 2015, 10:48 am

            Valentine’s day is a little tricky in your situation. I guess since she has already told you that she loves you, I think it’ll be OK to go ahead with that. But don’t make it a surprise. Ask her in advance if she wants to do something on V day. Make your moves depending on her reaction.

          • Toby February 10, 2015, 3:59 pm

            Hey Kevin, how often do you think I should contact her (calling, texting, facebook chat)? The more days that pass without talking to her the more nervous I get. The negative thoughts overtake me and I lose hope, until the next time we talk. I’m afraid I didn’t get the best of the no contact period, but a new one is not an option. What do you think? Thank you for your help until now!

          • Kevin February 11, 2015, 10:53 am

            Hey Toby,

            It depends on how well she responds to you contacting her. If she is receptive and warm, then once in every 3-4 days. If not, then you should wait a week or two. Also, it’s a good idea to let her initiate contact sometime. If you have been the one to initiate contact for a month or two, then you should wait till she initiates contact.

          • Toby February 11, 2015, 11:58 am

            Yes she is receptive and warm and we both initiate contact. She is enjoying the ability to talk to me whenever she wants, now that the no contact period is over. I hope I’m not getting friendzoned thou.. Remember I am still waiting for her to choose one of us (or stay single). I’ve decided not to start the topic, because that would be rushing things. I will wait for her to start it, because that’s what is expected from her, as long as she knows I am waiting for her decision.

  • e.p. February 5, 2015, 12:58 am

    Hello Kevin

    It’s probably been a week or so since I last posted and I must say lately I’ve been dreaming with my ex too much even that he proposed. Anyways lately he was acting nice to me & seemed changed not completely but his attitude had changed towards me like he was no longer angry if I texted him(only about our daughter) or even when he would see me.

    Even my best friend who is also my neighbor which is his friend’s girlfriend said she noticed he changed in a good way. Anyways on Monday (Feb.2) I took my daughter to the hospital and I told him I was taking her, he picked us up and then took me to get her medicine. He was nice and even called the next day to say he was going to come visit her. He didn’t cause his mom ended up coming but said he would come today (Feb.4).

    He was would normally get here around 8 but then he wasn’t showing so at 8:30 I asked him if he was still planning to come he replied right away sayin yes that he just had an emergency at his job in Tustin. Then out of the blue my friend that lives up state texted me asking who was the girl he was posting on his instagram. She then sent me a screenshot. He posted 2 pictures of that girl that I know.

    I got mad because I had made food for him, my friend, and her boyfriend for allowing us to meet up in their house and when I seen that I got so mad and hurt that I was like I refuse to cook for someone who’s posting another girl. So I texted him around 9:10 saying it was too late already that maybe some other time.

    Was I too obvious? He doesn’t know I seen that but he maybe thinks I got mad cause he was taking long? I’m so hurt I thought we had a chance. What do I do? I really don’t want to see him right now.

    • e.p. February 5, 2015, 1:40 am

      Also to add to this. He’s apparently with her at his job(Her dad had got him the job which her dad was also my aunts boyfriend). Someone told me she posted a picture of herself on his snapchat(another type of social media). I’m so angry right now. I thought I was fine but his nice changed attitude had me thinking twice and got my own hopes up. You’re so right he’s never going to change. Or at least not any time soon. To be honest I’m scared to move on.

      I want to be with him because I love him But also because he’s my daughter’s dad. I want my family back but how does he see what he’s throwing away. I’m always positive around him. I don’t act needy. I don’t text him everyday. I let him be but he seems to not care what so ever.

    • Kevin February 6, 2015, 9:43 am

      Hey e.p.,

      As I said in the article above, freaking out if he is dating someone else is a very common reaction. You have taken a step back from where you were. You were ready to move on, were feeling confident and were OK with him not being in your life. What you are experiencing right now is just a reaction. It’s your instincts. But try to remind yourself why you left him in the first place and why you decided that you should learn to live without him and be happy without him.

      He has all the right in the world to see some other girl. And you should not let it bother you. It’s probably a rebound and if you want to get back, you still have a chance. But it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the fact that you were miserable with him for a long time and he has been unfaithful to you more than once. You are STILL better off without him.

      • e.p. February 9, 2015, 6:00 pm

        You’re right it was just a reaction to seeing it. I mean I know he’s been seeing her for maybe 2 months already but I just got mad when I seen the picture. I did step back and think about why I left his side and I feel better.

        I still feel confident just an instinct reaction. I know he’ll come back to me but little by little by everything he’s doing I’m seeing a less chance for him. I’m ready to date, which I should do because just as much as he has the right I do to.

        I have a feeling it’s a rebound too since my friend told me he compares what this girl does with me. If he’s truly over me then why compare or even bring me up? I’m no longer letting there relationship get in my head. I’m happy with my life right now. Things are looking up for me.

        As for them, out of sight out of mind. I’ma let them ride out their relationship. They’re both poison. Thank you for the reinsurance Kevin! 🙂

  • Sunkist February 7, 2015, 2:13 am

    Hi Kevin. Your articles are very helpful. Thank you so much.
    Btw, where can I find the sample letter? It says I can find in step 5, but I don’t see any. ;(
    Please help me.

    • Kevin February 7, 2015, 3:23 am

      Hey Sunkist,

      It’s the 10th email in the email series. You can read the FAQ section for more clarification.

  • Aly February 7, 2015, 4:35 am

    I’ve been telling him that I don’t want him back each time he brings it up and he was thinking that I changed all for him and I told him that wasn’t the case and it was for myself.
    Now he’s been more supportive, though he got hot headed, each time he did it resulted in us talking it out and hugging it out. He’s been more touchy. (Rubbing my leg, holding my hand, hugging me, rubbing my back.) And when he dropped me off home he made sure I got to the door safe and stayed for a little bit (It was late at night and I live in not the greatest area) so I have been seeing that he’s been caring a lot. When I’m around him he sees more playful now and is bumping into me.
    I know it’s frustrating his girlfriend, but at the end of the day hes still with her at some point even if just for an hour or two. She said if I wasn’t pregnant she would block all contact between him and I and I know he doesn’t tell her everything, if anything.
    I drove to go hiking with a few friends and he saw me driving and followed my car and asked if he could go hike with us. At the end of the day his girlfriend messaged me asking me how our appointment with the doctor went, which really confused me.
    She told me that he also won’t open up to her and tells her he is just sleepy and I hear most of their relationship is in her living room in front of the TV.
    While he spent an hour recently opening up to me about how he doesn’t know what he’s doing, is stressed, scared about the pregnancy, and so on.
    I don’t know what next moves to take.

    • Kevin February 7, 2015, 10:42 am

      I think you should just continue what you’ve been doing. You don’t need to make any moves. Their relationship is slowly weakening and I think they will break up eventually. When they do, don’t jump at the opportunity and try to get him back. Let him make the moves. You are doing great. Good luck.

      • Aly February 8, 2015, 12:14 am

        He has been nothing but kind recently, even considering keeping the child even if he still doesn’t want to. Assuring me he will be around to be there for me and won’t leave me if I do get an abortion and he will stick around. I said he said that before and left and he said I have to understand that he was overwhelmed and I was depressed and it was bringing him down. He said in the future he thinks we wont make a crazy effort to see each other but we will still be around each other due to mutual friends.
        Which upset me because I still want to get him back but I looked at the brightside that he sees me in his future in some form at least.
        I tell him I understand exactly why we broke up and I dont blame him,
        I Stopped defending myself and saying oh whyd you leave me you should’ve stayed through thick and thin and started saying, yes I can see I handled things badly I agree with you.
        I tell him I want him to be happy and that I want him to succeed also.
        So I’m doing my best and hoping for the best. Even in classes we share I have been seeing him looking at me. And I know he sees me more than his own girlfriend of two months.
        Which I know if we were dating and he used time he could’ve been spending with me or even his friends to constantly see his ex Id at the very least be uncomfortable.

        • Kevin February 9, 2015, 10:34 am

          Hey Aly,

          You are doing great. Don’t let anything he says upset you. People change their mind a lot of times. It’s a good sign he sees you in the future. Just keep your calm and continue doing what you have been doing.

          • Aly February 10, 2015, 2:18 am

            Had a long talk to him tonight where we talked on the subject of our old relationship. He made several statements.
            He thinks how I was in the old relationship was unfair to him, he felt I was trying to convince him to get back with me all the time by saying it was unfair how he held things against me, he said he’s glad I’m handling things better now and turned everything around but he will never get back with me because he can’t just forget everything he went through and the reason he went back to his ex now is because they didn’t end on bad terms, I said we didn’t end on bad terms and that he was simply overwhelmed and he said yeah those are bad terms.
            He said he felt I made everything about one of my exes during our relationship and just sees it all as negative and that I used to handle things poorly. No matter how many times I agree with him or apologize it seems to have no effect, I asked him to not hold it all against me and understand and he said he does understand and not to worry because he is just complaining because he has a right to because I used to complain so much while we dated.
            He sees our entire old relationship so negatively and it feels like with time hes not getting more nostalgic but summing it up into one big negative experience forgetting all the good.
            How do I begin to get him back when he is saying he will never go back?

          • Kevin February 10, 2015, 10:51 am

            Let him think the way he wants. Don’t try to change it or influence it. It’s his way of processing everything. Just tell him, that whatever happened was in the past and you are not expecting him to get back together with you. Have patience. It might take some time. But if you keep your cool and don’t show any signs of neediness and act like your old self, you have a pretty good chance.

          • Aly February 10, 2015, 2:10 pm

            Thank you,
            Is there any way I can remind him of good memories or attract him back?
            We have been spending a lot of time together driving to the pregnancy clinic and we laugh, talk, and listen to music (we try as best as possible to avoid the stress of the situation and it’s quite the road trip) but nothing besides that. I’m afraid once I get the abortion (which is what he really wants and what I’m starting to think is the best for me) that he will drop out of my life.

          • Aly February 10, 2015, 9:18 pm

            But what I do know is that he cares, at the very least, thats something, he asks me if I’m okay, puts his hand on my back if he sees I feel sick, asks me about my family, rubs my leg to comfort me, and wants to be there for me. He gets me coffee, I had no where to go one night this week because of issues in my household and he drove in the middle of the rainy night straight out of bed to take me to one of my girls apartment and walked me to the door. I keep wanting to say love doesn’t just go away in two months and it can’t just disappear completely simply because he was just overwhelmed by how poorly I handled things. It seems like he’s keeping me close to watch over me and care about me but it also seems like he’s keeping his distance because of his girlfriend and because he wants to be done with me and all the negativity that came with me.
            I’ve kept my calm and I try my best to not pressure him, and I’m trying to make him laugh and create positive memories even though we are stressed out of our minds driving hour long car trips to the clinic for appointments.
            But I saw a notification light up today while he was using his phone for navigation, he doesn’t talk to his girlfriend much it appears if about anything (Whenever Im around him hes not talking to her and vice versa), but she also expresses concern to him and they seem good? Solid? And it makes me wonder if their relationship is actually weakening and if he will ever go back to me, especially since he says he never will go back.

          • Kevin February 11, 2015, 10:58 am

            Hey Aly,

            Yes, his relationship is probably weakening. But, I don’t think you should be trying to make any moves right now. If you can remind him of positive memories in the past without making it obvious, do so. But make sure it doesn’t lead to any negativity. You are getting plenty of time to spend with him and you are using it wisely. Keep doing so. Even if you go through with the abortion, do not do anything that reeks of neediness. Let him initiate contact with you and if he doesn’t give him space and time. Like I said before, it’ll take time and a lot of patience on your part. Don’t start obsessing over little things and don’t do anything needy or desperate. That’s your best bet right now.

          • Aly February 11, 2015, 10:45 pm

            Hey Kevin,
            We ended up spending all day together again and went to fill out forms and get dinner, a lot of time went into talking and making each other laugh. I teared up from stress and he asked me whats wrong and put his arm over me and multiple times pulled me in today to hold me and rub my shoulder telling me we got this. When he took me home we talked in his car and he held my hand for a long time and I rested my head on his shoulder, he says he knows we will be dealing with this for a long time and will go through it together.
            He brings up his girlfriend but very, very rarely and to say simple things like, “She and I went out to eat and I ordered this and it was a really good burger!” So I don’t think too much of that. I’m trying to be positive as possible and we definitely are touching affectionately a lot more now.

          • Aly February 12, 2015, 9:20 pm

            Although things have been improving between he and I, his girlfriend and her sister constantly send me pictures of him and his girlfriend saying how cute and happy they are and how jealous I must be. He also said he was going home after dropping me off at work but went to his girlfriend’s and lied to me. I don’t know what to think about any of this and it seems really discouraging..

  • Rudra February 7, 2015, 5:59 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I had posted my problem for you to give me an insight,however, i have’nt received a reply from you yet….It said your post is being moderated…Could you please help me?

    • Kevin February 7, 2015, 10:44 am

      Hey Rudra,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You should post your question on the message boards.

  • e.p. February 10, 2015, 4:02 am

    Hello Kevin,

    I feel my ex is playing games or maybe it’s just me. Last week on Monday I took my daughter to the hospital, he came to pick us up and still stayed to be with her for a bit longer. Anyways he called me the next day asking how she was doing and that he was gonna go. He didn’t because his mom ended up coming so we agreed the day after.

    Remember how I told you about the whole girl thing and I got upset so I just said it was late already that maybe some other day? Well after that he never replied nor did he ever text me back the following days, until Sunday.

    He texted me twice at noon, one saying he was going to pick up our daughter and she was gonna stay with him for a couple of days and the second one saying he was going to pick her that day and bring her back at night. I asked what time? But he didn’t reply. So I got my daughter dressed and her diaper bag ready. We were waiting and waiting and he never texted or called me.

    To my surprise he never showed up. Didn’t even call to cancel or anything. Fortunately for me and my daughter’s sake she’s only 2 so she didn’t understand being stood up by her dad. I didn’t text or call him until the next day. I told him was he suppose to pick her up yesterday because she was ready and waiting for him. Again no reply.

    I’m actually shocked with this because he’s never done this to her. Every time he says he’s coming for her or that he’s gonna visit her, he does unless he really can’t but he let’s me know. He had been really nice to me, we were getting along just fine but after that night I texted him it was too late to come he got distant again.

    Could it be the new girl influencing him? Like to not be around me? Should I have a serious talk with him about this? Sometimes I feel he’s messing with my head because him being kind to me and getting along and being a great dad is everything to me but then to do this!

    He’s never been a guy to really fully open up about his feelings but he can’t be that cruel can he? Also do you believe in age phases or maturity phases. Everyone is blaming his age saying he’s too young, it’s just a phase he’ll be back. He’s gonna regret leaving you. He just turned 21 in November. I don’t know maybe I just over analyze things.

    • Kevin February 10, 2015, 10:57 am

      Hey e.p,

      You can be right on all accounts. His girlfriend influencing him, his age thing, or him just playing games. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t affect your life. If he is going to be the type of father who stands up his daughter, you should have a serious talk with him. But now is not the time for that. Wait till your daughter is old enough and enough time has passed for both of you to get over the breakup. You should not expect him to be kind to you. If you depend on him on any way, you are giving him power over you. And he can use that power to manipulate you and screw up your progress.

  • Nvincible February 10, 2015, 9:35 am

    I have recently had a breakup with my ex.
    To be honest I don’t where to begin to start this comment. I can say this, after reading the entire article, you have written everything that has happened in my recent relationship. The deepest negative emotions I have experienced has led in results of showing how desperate I was to talk about this. Truly embarrassing as it sounds, I have done it all emails, text messages, calling from different phone numbers ( blocked) even the facebook messages( recently deleted my entire account).Sleeping during the night didn’t make it better. Since the breakup, I have had 5 dreams about him for nearly 2 weeks and that has never happened to me.
    My expression: W0_0W! I have really let down my myself on all levels. It almost felt like Depression has taken over me somewhat. I was in that state for 3 weeks. During those days, I can say I was able to still manage getting up accomplishing things that needed to be taken care of. At the same time, still I was experiencing a negative mood mentality, I began to blame myself for all the times I touch something, It turns sour. Also I began to think of the wrong and bad things choices and decisions I made in my life. How many opportunities and chances I missed out on. I wasn’t the bad child. I was a young lady trying to be the responsible, I know what to do, don’t need help from no one kind of person. With that thinking, It has led me to nowhere but becoming dumb and not listening to my own mother. to sum up this comment. My listening skills has yet to become better but I have calm down since my those days and now that the relationship I have had with my now ex I feel as If I have no chances left at all.
    Yesterday, I made a decision to not contact him for awhile( for more than 3o days), even thinking of maybe playing the role of proposing to him but not until I really am sure If I won’t to step up a level. . I am open to any criticisms o and pen minded speaking opinionated Opinions. thanks for reading *whew*!

    • Kevin February 10, 2015, 11:02 am

      Hey,

      What you went through is common and you are not alone. You made the right decision. But you need to stop criticising yourself so much.

      You have made the right decision to not contact him. Use this time to make some changes in your life and get out of this negative state of mind. Go out and do something. Make some positive changes in your life. Also, join the message boards and participate in the community. It can be therapeutic.

      • Nvincible February 12, 2015, 9:04 pm

        thank you for your feedback. I might have a 1 or 2 short questions to ask. Before I begin. I wanted to add on to my comment from 2 days ago. our breakup lasted 30 -40 days. This man told me ” I’m finished” by via text. My heart sunked deeply. Is it childish of him to use that method rather than telling me by TEL? He has completely ignored me on Facebook (denied my request) have seen the messages I written and didn’t reply. it has been 3 days since I’ve stopped the contacting.

        • Kevin February 13, 2015, 10:05 am

          I don’t think it’s childish. Breaking up is hard and everyone deals with it differently. It’s not an ideal way to tell someone that. But then again, everyone is different. And rejecting someone takes a lot of courage. Some people just don’t have enough courage to do it in person. But in the end, it doesn’t matter how he said it. It doesn’t even matter what he said or what words he used. Emotions are high after a breakup for you and him both. Until you both have had some time to calm down, and think things through (no contact), you shouldn’t take it to heart. Follow the plan. If after that, he feels the same way, then you can be sure he means it. Until then, use this time to improve yourself.

  • e.p. February 10, 2015, 3:12 pm

    Sorry again it wasn’t letting me reply.

    Well we ended pretty bad and for months we were mostly negative. I read that I have to give time
    for both of us to change the view we have on each other, well him on me since I was needy, I begged him and I basically turned into the most unattractive girl with just being that way. It’s gonna be 3 months since we broke up.

    I don’t expect him to be kind to me, I actually didn’t even think he would be nice to me. It caught me by surprise that he was being nice. So in other words he truly is over me & the relationship we once had? Because the first time we broke up we were broken up for 5 months & we didn’t even end on bad terms like that. Maybe I’m still stuck on that 5 months time limit.

    • Kevin February 11, 2015, 10:51 am

      No, it definitely doesn’t mean he is over you and the relationship. But if you expect things from him, he will use it to manipulate you. Like I said before, there’s a good chance he will want you back in the future. I can’t say after how long, but from whatever you have told me, I think he will. And yes, even though you were needy, he was the one who was more responsible for the breakup. If anything, he should be the one proving to you that he can be faithful and committed. You are losing focus here e.p. Just because you are concentrating on getting him back. You should be concentrating on your happiness and whether or not he will be able to provide you with a committed and happy relationship. Not his happiness and how to get him back.

      Right now, do not try to decipher his actions and what they mean. Him being kind, being rude, ignoring you, posting pics on instagram. All these things will not matter in the long run. The only thing that will matter is how you use this time to reclaim yourself and learn to be happy without him.

  • e.p. February 11, 2015, 1:08 pm

    You’re right. I am losing focus. My purpose is myself and daughter. I will stop trying to make everything he does have a meaning behind it. Him doing all these things won’t matter in the long run. You’re right he should be the one trying to win me back. He made mistakes as well. But as of now I will stop focusing on him and focus on my happiness.

    I need to stop giving him so much power over me. I have full power over myself and enough is enough. My path right now is just my daughter and myself. Becoming a better, happy person. Thank you Kevin.

    • Kevin February 12, 2015, 6:26 am

      Good Luck. 🙂

      • e.p. February 12, 2015, 11:43 am

        Thank you 🙂

  • CG February 12, 2015, 1:01 pm

    How long does it take for comments to post? I put two up yesterday

    • Kevin February 13, 2015, 9:58 am

      Hey CG,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Pleas post your question on the message boards.

  • R.A February 12, 2015, 8:13 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I posted a comment yesterday. Have you gone through it yet??

    Regards,
    R.A

    • Kevin February 13, 2015, 10:01 am

      Hey R.A,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Pleas post your question on the message boards.

  • e.p. February 13, 2015, 1:51 am

    I’m so dumb. I messed up so bad. I texted my ex after he dropped off my daughter saying this…
    “That b**** better not be around Abrielle. I’m not stupid, you were hiding someone in your car that’s why you parked far & got everything quick. Do what you want just don’t have her around my daughter.”

    I regret it so bad but I had got mad because every time he drops her off he parks in the driveway but this time he parked in the corner (I live 2 houses down from the corner). Anyways this time he parked in the corner and easy quick to take everything out of hi car so I wouldn’t get close to his car.

    I asked him was there more in the car and he said no that’s all. He even left the back door open of his car and his headlights were on. He always turns off his car. It got me mad the fact that he swore he wouldn’t bring a girl around our daughter unless it was a serious relationship and had been together for a long time.

    Either way he knows how I feel about her and I don’t want her around my daughter. I’m not 100% sure if she was in the car or any other girl but still. This morning when he picked up our daughter he parked right in front of my house and let me put our daughter in her car seat but this time it was.

    I regret it but I don’t what to do. I don’t feel like I need to text him apologizing for texting him that, or should I?

    • Kevin February 13, 2015, 10:07 am

      No you don’t. If YOU want to apologise, it’s OK. But it’s not necessary. Let him feel whatever he feels. You overreacted, but that’s OK. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

  • Aly February 13, 2015, 2:43 am

    Hey Kevin,
    Tonight went awful. He thinks I changed only for him. We ran into his girlfriend.
    He pulled me aside to tell me to give up hope and move on because he’s done with me and not backtracking because he’s just “done” and doesn’t love me anymore and has moved on. That I shouldn’t hold out hope. that he knows I still love him but it just wont happen and I’ll meet someone else.

    I cried. I tried convincing.. I told him I changed for me not him. He said he’s just happy with her now.

    He held my hand then got his jackets for me to wear in front of his girlfriend then went over to kiss her.

    He said there’s no chance. Nothing.
    Then said maybe we can be best friends.

    What do I do? I thought their relationship was weakening and things were getting way better between us.

    • Kevin February 13, 2015, 10:12 am

      Hey Aly,

      I guess he was seeing through your act and your crying convinced him. I think you should do no contact. You actually have to be OK with not being with him otherwise you will always be giving out vibes that you want him back. And he will see through that. You are still putting too much importance on getting him back and not on yourself. Doing no contact will help your feelings actually change and you will start putting yourself before getting him back. I guess it’ll be hard with all the pregnancy thing, so I’ll recommend you only speak to him about the pregnancy and nothing else. If possible, try to find another way to go to the clinic so you don’t have to spend so much time with him.

      • Aly February 13, 2015, 10:22 am

        I’m afraid to do NC Especially if I choose abortion because it’ll just create a divide between us and feel finalizing. Do I still have a chance?

        • Kevin February 14, 2015, 6:33 am

          Aly,

          In my opinion, no contact is your only chance. You have to stop being so afraid of losing him. That’s the only way you can learn to be happy without him and start putting your happiness before anything else. As long as you are afraid of losing him, you will be needy and he will sense it.

          • Aly February 17, 2015, 2:29 am

            I don’t understand why things took a sharp turn south
            It went from him caring and getting closer to what it is now. I saw him today when he gave me my sweater back. He brought up the baby and said his had more important things to do like Valentines day than communicate with me about the baby . When I tried to talk about it he got into his car saying he had plans which were more important and slammed his door. I was standing behind his car still ( we were talking behind his tailgate) and he seemed like he was about to threaten to hit me. Then he got back out after talking to our mutual friend who was trying to aleviate the situation and he invited himself to go hiking with my friend and I. It was pleasant until we were driving and we were all talking, at one point he said “If I never broke up with you you would’ve never dumped me. You’re too obsessed with me. ” I tried to defend myself and he kept saying I was crazy in love with him and obsessed with him. Our friend said that his ego was too big to his face and he said “No she was just so obsessed about me and still is” to which I had enough of and told him to go F himself and that I could care less for him.
            While it wasnt true he keeps thinking Im obsessed with him. At one point he was parked near me and openned his car door expecting me to come in and was baffled when I refused.
            Regardless, he dropped me off home and said goodnight, I’ll see you tomorrow. To which I just ignored him and went inside.
            I know on Valentine’s Day he knew I went out with our friend on a date and he asked our friend if I made it safely home and asked a lot of questions about whether if I was safe and taken care of.
            I don’t understand if I handled anything well or whats going on with him.
            Tomorrow we have an appointment together about the baby but we have to drive for an hour I don’t know if I should ignore him during the car trips or try to bond or what.

          • Kevin February 17, 2015, 7:34 am

            Don’t try to bond and don’t ignore him either. If he talks, reply politely. But don’t try to talk to him more than is necessary. As I said before, doing no contact/minimal contact is your best bet. He still thinks you are obsessed with him and it’s true. Perhaps he is picking up a vibe from you or he has a big ego. Either ways, you have to prove him wrong. And the only way to do that is to actually stop obsessing over him and become OK with the breakup and the possibility of not having him back in your life. And the best way to do that is no contact.

          • Aly February 17, 2015, 10:31 pm

            I agree that no contact or minimal sounds like my best bet.
            I tried to keep it to a minimum today but we ended up talking when we got to the waiting room. He was playing around and joking around like a kid and kept nudging me to get my attention and eventually apologized for how he had been rude and said I was obsessed saying he based it off a believable statement a friend of ours made.
            He said he wished I communicated with him better. On the way home after we found out the baby’s gender we both sort of blew up. He said he didn’t want to know and was afraid of getting attached. At one point he yelled that it feels like he has no support and only I do, everyone’s on my side, that he’s “sick of everyone supporting me because they love me so much”, that he never gets what he wants, that he wants to be done and move forward with his life, and when I told him im here to support him too thats when the big blow up happened where he yelled that I am not enough. I tried to get out of the car because I was crying and thats when he grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug. It was the last thing I expected but he didn’t let me go and kept hugging me and apologized.
            I told him he needed to start seeing us as a team and to start respecting me and he told me to communicate better.
            He dropped me off and said he was going home and was kind and hugging me, (my rpomate actually thought we got back together) but then he said he was going home and I found out he lied and went to his girlfriends. I don’t know what to think about any of this.

          • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:56 am

            Hey Aly,

            I don’t think having him in your life at this point is good for you. He keeps on giving you these mixed signals and then rejects you. I think he is very confused about his feelings for you, which is the reason he keeps on repeating that he wants to move on. I still think you should do no contact and stay away from him for a long period of time. That’s the only way he will be able to sort out his feelings and realise what he really wants. It’ll also give you the time to stop being needy and depending so much on him for happiness and peace of mind.

  • e.p. February 13, 2015, 10:48 am

    Well he replied saying she was in the car he didn’t even deny it. He even started to tell me she’s a great girl and that he likes her a lot and she’s helped him out. I tried not to bring up anything about our relationship but he kept trying to go there like make me bring up negative things.

    I kept telling him I wasn’t gonna go into to details with him. That he knows why I don’t want her around my daughter and that all I’m asking is to respect. He kept trying to convince me like it was ok. I told him I’m not gonna get convinced. There’s things you and I will never agree on, but that didn’t matter anymore.

    I told him to just respect my decision and to keep his word, but he kept trying to make her seem good like so I could be ok with it. I told him that his time with his daughter should just be between them two, to take advantage of the time. I told him your time with her do what you want but your time with your daughter at least give her your full attention.

    I made the mistake of saying that I missed him he completely ignored it and I was fine with that. I felt this conversation went bad on some level. What hurt was him telling me that she’s a great girl and that he likes her a lot. Meaning he’s falling in love with her.

    He must truly be into her and she must not be a rebound if she’s around my daughter and I’m not sure if the girl was over his mom’s house but if she was then he’s really into her. He doesn’t let his mom meet girls he’s not serious about. Not sure if she did but I don’t know. He basically confirmed it wasn’t a rebound relationship right? Any chance we once had is done. He’s done for good with him.

    I feel dumb. I feel hurt by what he told me. Those are some things I just didn’t want to know about him. That’s why I kept saying I wasn’t gonna go into details because I didn’t want to hear them. I didn’t want him to tell me he likes her a lot. I didn’t need to know that.

    • e.p. February 13, 2015, 11:48 am

      I meant he’s done for good with me. I did say I helped you a lot as well. I was always there for you ready for anyhring. I was always there for you even when I didn’t have to be but that doesn’t matter now. He had also said she didn’t do anything wrong he’s the one that hit her up. I told him it’s the whole picture. You wouldn’t have done that if she wouldn’t have gave you some sort of in. It takes 2. She knew the history and didn’t give a damn.

    • Kevin February 14, 2015, 6:35 am

      Hey,

      First of all, everything you said does not mean it’s not a rebound. A lot of rebound relationships get really serious really fast and end after a while. However, you are again losing focus. Even if he is in a happy relationship, good for him. You two have broken up. And it’s probably the best thing that has ever happened to you. You no longer have to try to please or keep a man who is not capable of being faithful and committed.

  • Toby February 13, 2015, 11:18 am

    She chose the other &^&)(*(&%^)&(_* ‘I love you but things change with time’. I want to die. i bought her tickets to take her to dance should I do it anyway? This may be the last post from me. Thank you for the hope during these hard months for me! I hope better days will come someday……

    • Kevin February 14, 2015, 6:37 am

      Hey Toby,

      I don’t think you should take her now. It’ll look desperate. Cut contact with her and try to move on. Yes, better days are right around the corner. Good luck.

  • Nvincible February 13, 2015, 9:27 pm

    I broke the N.c. rule tonight. smh…. Love hurts.
    I reactivated my account with facebook and have sent him a few messages
    still, he reads ALL of them and still ignores me…

    • Kevin February 14, 2015, 6:38 am

      Start again. You have to be strong. Every time you contact him, you are putting yourself through emotional hell. Don’t do it to yourself.

      • Nvincible February 14, 2015, 7:09 am

        Thank you for your reply.
        This morning, I couldn’t stay asleep So I wrote to him…again and have been writing in my book( not a diary). I am re attempting to start he no-contact rule again. I really believes It’s over though since he hasn’t spoken to me since January 17. I have given up contacting him a few times a few weeks ago, but my feelings are strong which keeps me relapsing again.

  • e.p. February 14, 2015, 1:16 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    After some thinking and calming down I realized I can’t stop him from bringing my daughter around her. He’s going to continue doing it behind my back. I have no other choice but to get use to it. I can however warn him that if I hear anything bad is being done around my daughter(his new gf did/does meth) he will force me to take legal actions.

    You’re right maybe it’s still a rebound since they did get serious very fast but that’s no longer my business. He made his decision. I just have to accept it and let it go. He once admitted to my guy friends he was with her cause she cooked for him and did his laundry.

    Also last night I was sent a screenshot by a friend that he posted on snapchat with her. They were both laying down on the bed and he was giving her a kiss on the cheek. Also they were on our bed and in our room. Where I once lived. But it’s his bed and his room now so I guess. It looked like she was doing laundry cause there was clothes folded around.

    Again not something I should focus on anymore. They probably deserve each other. Her for being a home wrecker and him for being a cheat. I’m just jealous that someone else has him but I have to stop.

    Kevin you’ve helped me a lot even if I have my moments that I fall back, reading your responses give me hope for myself. That its okay to alone. It gives me confidence that everything will work out for me just fine. I just still have some learning to do.

    • e.p. February 15, 2015, 4:44 am

      Also again like always I was sent another screenshot of what he posted on instagram. He posted a picture of her saying that she had stole his heart from the first day they met. He’s only known her for 6 months & that he knows they’re gonna be together forever. Then he said I love you and Happy Valentines Day.

      He use to say the same thing to me. That he knew we weren’t for each other. That we were gonna be together forever. That he’s never felt for any other girl what’s he felt for me. That it was different with me. That I was just the person for him. Now I’m nothing to him.

      But if she supposedly stole his heart then why a couple months we broke up he kept saying he loved me that he never wanted to lose me. That I was everything to him. That he realized I was the only person that would always be there for him. Who is he kidding?

      Did he not mean it? or he did but now he’s saying that because he doesn’t want people to think he’s moving to fast? Everyone keeps saying that it looks like he’s trying to hard, like trying to convince everyone that he’s truly into her and that he’s happy. Like to prove he has someone. He post something about her but then deletes it that same day.

      Valentines day hit me a little. First time in 5 years that I spend it alone without him. We’ve always spent valentine’s day together. I feel down about this whole situation especially cause I saw him say I love you on his post about her. He never said that to any other girl even when we were broken up for 5 months.

      I need to seriously learn how to let everything go. I did tell everyone to stop sending me things or telling me what he does. That I didn’t want to be kept updated on his life cause it only hurts me.

      The pain of a heartbreak is terrible. How do you get over someone when you felt they were the one for you since you met them. When you love them so much you’d do anything for them. I seriously feel we’re meant to be. The way we somehow always were in each others lives since I was 14 is crazy. I felt he was the one. I’m so hurt right now.

      The worst part is as long as he’s happy I’m happy. I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me but it’s just not happening. I want to be happy as well but I don’t know when that’s gonna happen. One thing for sure is I’m ready to go out and people people. I need the distraction.

      • Kevin February 15, 2015, 6:29 am

        Yeah, it’s a good idea to make everyone stop sending you these updates. He is probably trying to hard to convince himself and everyone else around him that he is happy and in a great relationship. He said the same thing to you and cheated on you many times. Guess what’s coming for that girl? I know it sucks, but it gets better. Trust me. I have seen thousands of people get over breakup pain. You should go out and meet people. Get new hobbies and do something new. You are still young and you have a whole life ahead of you. You can’t spend your entire life being cheated on by an immature guy who doesn’t respect you. The breakup was the best thing that happened to you. Try to remember that when you are feeling low next time.

  • e.p. February 15, 2015, 1:04 pm

    Yeah I told them to stop sending me things about him. I need my mind distracted not updated. I know he’ll most likely do it to her as well. I feel like she’s trying to get to me. My friend said she’s been trying to meet my daughter for a while now. She knows I wouldn’t be ok with it but she still wants to. He also said that she’s a shady person. She does cocaine. They also say he’s blinded by her & that she kinda looks like me, which I don’t think so, like at all.

    Well when I see the posts he seems genuinely happy. Maybe to everyone else it’s looks like he’s trying too hard but maybe cause I’m just seeing him with her so it takes me back to when that was us. I am still young and I do need some sort of hobby to get distracted. It hurts and I know with time it’ll hurt less. I’m just still too in love with him.

    Then his cousin was telling me he’ll realize he made a mistake with you and come back but it doesn’t seem like it. That they always come back. I’ve heard all that from his family and friends. Yeah I need to tell me those things every time I’m feeling low.

  • Cec February 16, 2015, 10:12 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I wrote a post but cant find it; Have you received it?

    • Kevin February 17, 2015, 7:00 am

      Hey Cec,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions on the message boards.

  • e.p. February 16, 2015, 7:22 pm

    He’s like moving too fast with her. Even trying to move in together. Everyone says that they just hope and better not get her pregnant.

    • Kevin February 17, 2015, 7:29 am

      Those are signs of rebound.

  • e.p. February 17, 2015, 11:44 am

    Yes! I was reading the article of signs that its a rebound and there’s a couple he does but can you be in love with a person even if it’s a rebound? Cause he told her I love you in a picture he had uploaded of her. Or he thinks he’s in love?

    • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:51 am

      Yes, absolutely.

  • Toby February 17, 2015, 3:09 pm

    Hey Kevin, its me again. I started overthinking my situation again and started wondering if I should try getting her back again.. I know its stupid and pointless and I should give up, but I just can’t. Should I prolong my suffering? Or take as much time as needed like a few months (not caring whether she has a strong relationship or not) and contact and introduce her to the new me, but this time really a new me.. I really don’t know I am really confused. I though saying goodbye will leave me in peace, but I can’t find peace…

    • Toby February 17, 2015, 3:16 pm

      And do you think that choosing the other guy after all, means they are not going to have a rebound relationship? After only 2 months of dating (before she had told him she needs time and space) he had offered her to move in together. Of course I can’t tell if she will agree or not, now that she is with him. Damn I overthink too much…

      • Toby February 17, 2015, 3:31 pm

        I find it extremely hard to accept the fact I will never be with her ever again. I can’t stop hoping for the opposite and that is killing me.

        • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:53 am

          Hey Toby, you can try again. It’s your choice. But even if you want to, you need to grieve and accept the breakup if you want to have a better chance. There is even a chance there relationship won’t work out (it might be a rebound). All the best.

  • e.p. February 18, 2015, 5:53 am

    Hello Kevin,

    So today I found myself being extremely happy. I guess you can say I had a talk with myself and realized I lost nothing here. He did. If anything I gained. I still want him back and I’ll always care about him but as of now I’m finally feeling like I’m finding myself. I have amazing friends who are there for me right now in these tough times. I have my family. Most importantly I have my daughter.

    We’re breathing, we’re healthy, what more can I ask for? I also came down to I’m not ready for any sort of relationship right now. I need to focus on my own goal and purpose which is get a good job and get my own place with my daughter.

    I can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt that he’s not with me BUT I also realized that him breaking up with me was the best thing he did. At least for now. Cause if he never would’ve left me I probably would’ve never walked out or maybe in years from now. God knows how my life would’ve turned out.

    I guess it was a blessing in disguise. Again I would want for us to get back and give our family/relationship a try but not now. I need to focus and be selfish with my time right now. He needs to find himself as well and work on his own personal issues.

    Just like your article said on the rebound, I’m going to let it run its course. The more I try to keep them apart the closer I’ll bring them so I’m just going to let them do their thing and I’m going to do mine. Everyone says it’s a fling,rebound, that he’s blinded but that’s no longer my problem only if it involves my daughter.

    But yes what he does is not my business. It hurts to see it and hear about it so I asked everyone to not keep me updated. I’m happy with life. I use to be upset and feeling like I was being punished for his mistakes since I was left sad and heartbroken and he was all happy in a relationship but he’s lonely.

    He’s empty. He might feel her there now but he’ll eventually think back to me. I know what I brought/bring to the table and I know what I offered and gave to him will be hard to find again. I have faith he’ll come back to his us, his family but I’m not going to let it consume me. I’m not going to be waiting not living life. I’m going to live and live day by day and if I just so happen to meet someone then he’s really going to know what losing someone feels like.

    I just hope I can stay on this track and not fall back. I’m feeling better now, I hate feeling lost and heartbroken. But out of sight out of mind.

    • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:59 am

      That’s great e.p. Expect a roller coaster ride when it comes to your feelings during breakup grief. But cherish the days when you feel great. 🙂

  • Maria February 18, 2015, 10:01 am

    Halo Kevin I wrote something and can not find it….

    • Kevin February 19, 2015, 10:05 am

      Hey Maria,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them, please post your question on the message boards here.

  • e.p. February 18, 2015, 12:31 pm

    Yes I have been on a roller coaster ride with my feelings. One day I’m all sad and thinking about him but other days I’m fine and just feel happy. I will cherish those days because I feel great. 😀

  • Anonymous February 19, 2015, 4:13 am

    Kevin, this is fucking fantastic. Thanks man. Did someone break your heart?

    • Kevin February 19, 2015, 10:07 am

      Thanks. I went through a bad breakup a few years ago. I have been doing this since then. 🙂

  • Frank February 20, 2015, 2:46 pm

    So I followed the steps saw my ex and just had a friendly conversation for about an hour seemed like everything was working perfect she told me she missed me I thought awesome I’ll give it a couple days then see if she’d want to do something so I went to ask her now she’s being super distant, I know she’d be skeptical about a relationship again what should I try?

    • Kevin February 21, 2015, 9:05 am

      Give her more space. A week or two.

  • e.p. February 20, 2015, 5:29 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    I’m starting to believe the relationship he’s in, isn’t necessarily a rebound. Reasons I believe this is, is because on a post of her he said “only known you for half a year” we have 3 months broken up. He also said “you stole my heart from the first day I met you” So that means he’s been into her for some time now.

    Yes I know he’s known her for the same amount of time he’s been working there since she would work there at times with her dad. But only thing I don’t believe is she stole his heart since the start because he was still giving me attention and telling me he didn’t want to lose me. He still told me that a couple weeks before we broke up, telling me how much he loved me.

    He seems to be really into this relationship with her so it must be real right? Or what do you think Kevin? Think he’ll want me back?

    • Kevin February 21, 2015, 9:08 am

      In my experience, a lot of rebounds seem like very intense and passionate relationships. Also, seeing his history, I think he was missing the high you get in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and now that he has it, he is consumed by it. Once the honeymoon phase wears off, they’ll both realise if it’s a real relationship or not. Until then, there is no point in analysing everything. More importantly, you need to stay away from her posts and try to stop obsessing over his relationships.

  • e.p. February 21, 2015, 12:10 pm

    I do need to stop obsessing over his relationship with her. I miss that feeling of being in the honeymoon stage as well but I’m not out looking for it.

    By what I’ve told you so far would you say it’s a rebound? & if he’ll eventually come back to me?

    • Kevin February 22, 2015, 3:47 am

      Yes, and yes. But I can’t say how long it’ll take for his relationship to end. Also, I may be wrong and you should be prepared for the possibility. You should focus on moving on and not depend on him wanting you back in the future.

  • Anjali February 21, 2015, 1:35 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    It’s Anjali. Hope you remember me. I’ve posted here before . I’m the one with the ex who wanted to break up because he was too invested in work/career and didn’t prioritize me enough and we dated for about 2.5 yrs and have been texting on and off lately.

    My ex contacted me on Valentines day to say happy valentine’s day and that he wanted to talk. We talked the next night for 3 hours. For two hours we just talked and it was really fun. We still have a lot of chemistry. I thought we were just catching up and conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere serious .Then, he suddenly got kind of emotional and started saying he loves me, he misses me, and he misses a lot of things about our relationship. He asked me if I wanted to visit him ( he’s across the country) and if i would be in the same city in him over the summer. He also mentioned briefly he’d looked at jobs in / around my city but hadn’t found anything. I told him I wasn’t willing to do that because it was a hassel lying to my parents but he was welcome to come see me. I also said i had another internship i was prioritizing in another city so if i got that i would do that….but I also did reciprocate his emotion and told him I still love him too/ would be willing to try things again. He said he wants things to work out between us but is worried that he is still not “mature enough” and too work focused and things would go back to the way before. I suggested taking it slow/ talking on the without any sort of obligation because it was really fun and see where it goes and he agreed with that. He also asked me why i loved him because he knew he’d been a really shitty boyfriend.

    Overall, it seemed like he was being quite genuine and vulnerable because he is usually not a very emotionally expressive. Thinking back I’m not sure if I did the right thing. Talking was really fun and it has been the past couple times we’ve caught up without the burden of the broken long distance relationship we had. I think he’s realized that he lost something important to him and it has been hard to get over me for him too.

    I’m not sure if I should be harder though and instead should tell him that if he thinks he’s not “mature” theres things he can change and fix to be with me and he should find me once he gets his ***t together. I’m not sure if what is saying is just nonsense and he doesn’t actually love me enough to be with me. I’m not sure if this technique would be more effective in terms of getting him back or keep talking in a friendly way/ be responsive but not initiate much and make him chase me because he misses me. I still want to be with him but I don’t want to screw this up now that I know he does want to be with me. On one hand, I think that talking on the phone once in a while with the chemistry we had might help rebuild things into a better relationship. On the other hand, I’m worried that it will make me seem to easy and it won’t go anywhere. Right now, I do think I have the upper hand to some extent and I could either really use it and cut him off or keep things in status quo. What do you think will work best?

    • Kevin February 22, 2015, 4:24 am

      Hey Anjali,

      I think talking to him occasionally until he gets his life together and become mature enough for a relationship is a good idea. Don’t cut him off completely, but don’t be too available either. Don’t be needy and let him make all the moves. Let him initiate contact most of the time and don’t move to some other city just for him (don’t make big life changes for him).

  • Aly February 21, 2015, 6:18 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    The past few days have been tough to say the least.
    Its been feeling virtually impossible to do no contact since we have classes together, live near each other, share all the same friends and his work is less than a fifteen minute walk from mine.
    When he needs something like for me to call the health clinic he will stop at nothing to get a hold of me. He’s said he cares about me and my safety but thats it. That he will never date me again because of how bad he perceives our old relationship. He’s protective and worries about me but says he feels nothing romantically. Him and his extremely young girlfriend are still together (3 months now) and I’m worried its not a rebound though he’s told his friends he realistically doesnt see them lasting. He held my hand and told me he has faith in me when it comes to my decisions about the pregnancy but thats about it. It feels like he’s in control of everything and has the door closed on me. He said he knows how much his new girlfriend bothers me even though I denied it for over an hour. I don’t know how to revive love or what to do. I thought I had a good chance and their relationship was weakening but it feels like she has him on lock. And I don’t know what to say or do when it comes to him. I’m afraid if I do no contact itll just separate us more and if I get an abortion and do no contact he will just permenantly exit my life.

    • Kevin February 22, 2015, 4:28 am

      Like I said before, no contact is your best bet. It’s the only way to take the power from him.

  • e.p. February 22, 2015, 12:21 pm

    I’m prepared for the possibility that it isn’t. I am trying to move on and not depend on him coming back. I don’t want to be disappointed if he doesn’t so I’m just trying to let him go slowly. Deep inside I can almost be 100% sure that he’ll come back to me once he gets over this BUT I don’t want to think about that.

    I’m going to see him tomorrow, we’re going to take our daughter to the doctors. Anyways what if I tell him “I know he’s going to continue bringing that girl around our daughter so I might as well get use to it” & somehow add that I’m seeing someone too (which I’m not) but just to put that in his head and maybe he’d get jealous or at least he’ll have that in his head.

    Do you think I should do that? Or is that playing too many games?

    • Kevin February 23, 2015, 10:41 am

      Don’t do that. There’s no need to lie. He is already quite jealous of how you are handling yourself after the breakup. Which is the reason he feels the need to prove how happy he is in his new relationship. Playing into his game will only make him feel better about himself. As for the girl, if the topic comes up, let him know that you are OK with it (only do it if you ARE actually OK with it).

  • anjali February 22, 2015, 3:26 pm

    Thank, I will do that then and continue to talk to him occsasionally. he texted me that he loves me last night. Should I reciprocate when he expresses emotion like that?

    • Kevin February 23, 2015, 10:42 am

      It’s tricky. I will recommend you don’t. But there isn’t any harm in doing it either. Save it for when he wants to get back in a relationship.

  • e.p. February 23, 2015, 11:22 am

    Yeah I was thinking about it and it’s pretty petty of me to do that. Also if he was to find out I was lying it’d make me look pretty pathetic.

    I’m not fully ok with it but I’d rather him not do it behind my back cause I know he’s still going to bring her around our daughter if that’s what he wants to do, but, so then don’t bring it up myself?

  • e.p. February 23, 2015, 3:06 pm

    So I just saw him. We didn’t bring up the girl, we talked about me. About what’s been happening with me. He seem very interested as he kept asking more questions. Although I do feel I messed up since I maybe said too much information about me but since it’s been good things happening I just kept answering.

    He was saying good for you, that’s good, that job would be great! Etc… also since he’s not working right now I had gave him money for going to pick us up at least for gas and he just kept saying thank you, thank you. Maybe a little too generous but it was something I felt. Anyways I’m glad we can still be ok when all the b.s. is put to the side.

    I tried to not show him that his presence bothers me and like gets to me. I want him to see that I’m ok with being around him.

    • Matt February 24, 2015, 12:30 am

      Hey Kevin,

      I tried writing you earlier and my post said waiting approval. I was not sure if it was received or not.

      • Kevin February 24, 2015, 7:23 am

        Hey Matt,

        The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post on the message boards.

  • e.p. February 24, 2015, 12:04 am

    Also quick question.
    I seen a job opportunity that he can qualify for and I know he’s not working do you think if I send him the information it’ll look like I’m just trying to talk to him? Or just don’t tell him anything about the job. It’s an agency but it’ll be something.
    Sorry it’s 3 different post but everything happened at different times.

    • Kevin February 24, 2015, 7:22 am

      Yes, you should tell him. Just send him a short email (if he checks his mail) or a text. Don’t turn it into a conversation.

  • e.p. February 24, 2015, 9:11 am

    Also when I saw him. We didn’t bring up the girl, we talked about me. About what’s been happening with me. He seem very interested as he kept asking more questions. Although I do feel I messed up since I maybe said too much information about me but since it’s been good things happening I just kept answering.

    He was saying good for you, that’s good, that job would be great! Etc… also since he’s not working right now I had gave him money for going to pick us up at least for gas and he just kept saying thank you, thank you. Maybe a little too generous but it was something I felt. Anyways I’m glad we can still be ok when all the b.s. is put to the side.

    I tried to not show him that his presence bothers me and like gets to me. I want him to see that I’m ok with being around him.

    • Kevin February 25, 2015, 8:32 am

      I don’t think you messed up. To put it simply, you can’t mess up no matter what you do around him. The only way for you to mess up is to keep obsessing over him and not move on with your life. What you do in front of him is kind of irrelevant because both of you shouldn’t get back together. If he wants you back in the future, you can decide at that point if you want to get back together or not (after taking into consideration how much he is sincere and willing to change). But until then, there’s no point in figuring out the “right” or “wrong” actions. Your mind will always try to obsess over little things simply because it doesn’t want to let go, but it won’t matter in the end.

  • Matt February 24, 2015, 9:27 am

    Hello Kevin,

    I wanted to reach out to you as it seems you give good advise. My ex gf of 3 years cheated on me and is still seeing the guy. She says they are just friends but she lied to me and spent a weekend with this guy and then told me she no longer wants to see me and does not want me to contact her. Now from the time she cheated till the time she saw this guy again was about 3 weeks or so (it could have been sooner but she would have hid it from me). Now she says he just keeps in contact with her. During these 3 weeks my ex was living with me in another state and told me that she was leaving me because she feels in her heart that we are not meant t be together and that she does not love me how she should to marry me and that she hates the way i talk to her which she said turns her off to me. So i broke down like any normal guy would but then i respected the fact she was leaving in 2 days. now i gave her all the space she needed to pack up all her things the next day and i went about taking her off my insurance to show i accepted the break up. Now i got home late that day and she had not packed a single thing. I asked her what was going on and she said she does not have a single reason today on why she wants to leave. so i continued giving her space to pack. finally mid night i said to her you need to make a decision. So she stayed. now this time living on this other state was a hard time and she became really depressed there. So i mentioned to her to go visit her family back home. she contemplated but then decided to go. A few days before she was going to leave she talked about going on a vacation by herself a few hours away from home to clear her head. i told her it was strange but she was depressed so i said if she needed to do it then do it. I also told her that if she was going to meet someone there to tell me. she said she wont be meeting anyone there. Turns out she did meet someone there. She said they did not sleep together and that he was a really old friend who helps her get over relationships. (i find it hard to believe she did not have sex with this guy). However, she kept to her story about not sleeping with the guy. she called me after her vacation and said she did does not want to be with me anymore and that she was not in love with me and that i will find someone who will fit all my needs. I pleaded with her. We talked about some of the problems we had in the relationship. over the next few days we talked on the phone. she talked about us having resentment for each other and how she needed some space and that we could start being friends and then work on dating. I ended up moving back home a week later and she flew up to help me move since most of her things were in that house. On the ride she was avoiding talking about us and everything. she kept saying she does not know if she wants to be with me right now. we stopped at a few hotels. i came onto her and we were intimate a few times. She also came and cuddled with me numerous times and told me she loved me. She held my hand in the car on the trip here and there and said she loved me back. she said she would think about getting back with me that i just need to give her till next week. so toward the end of the trip we got into an argument and she cried and i told her i wanted nothing ever to do with her when we got back. i asked her what was even going to be her decision and she said she wanted to work on things but not like this. So we talked and decided too work on things. for the next couple of days she was just acting disconnected and treating me like a friend. I brought her flowers to her job one day but she seemed not too taken by it. later that day i asked her to stop by and we talked. she said she had her guard up with me and that’s why she acted that way toward the flowers. she asked why i brought them. i said to be sweet and that i was thinking of her. She then went on to tell me that she did not know if she wanted to be with me still and that she wanted to be friends right now and work on things later. i told her i could not be friends with her and it was not going to work that way. she left pictures of us at my house so i packed all them up and gave them to her. she said why and i said because i do not want to be reminded of someone who does not want to be with me. for the next two weeks i still texted her and called her and she would still tell me things going on in her life and she kept growing more angry because i kept asking her to hang out. she said i was not over it. She also talked about if she started seeing someone else would i get mad. She started lying about her days off which was to hang out with this guy on Valentines day and spent the weekend there. i found out because i put two and two together. She told me before Valentines weekend that she would consider dating me again. but then went and hung out with this other guy. i bugged her through texts and told her how i felt it was wrong to leave me in the shadows and hang out with that guy. she told me to just stop and that she is sorry i am hurting. then she texted me then next week and said she no longer wants to see me and that she does not want to contact me. Throughout this whole ordeal, she was very cold and emotionless. she did seem like she liked me chasing her though like it was feeling good to her that she made me like this. so i have not contacted her since. but 2 days later she blocked me on fb when an old ex gf liked a photo she was tagged in. then she deleted her fb right after another girl like my photo and my old ex posted something on my wall. could have been coincidence but the timing of the events is what i was looking at. then 6 days later my current ex hacked someones (a female friend) fb that she works with and that i am friends with on fb and wrote a shot out saying that this persons favorite person is my ex and that my ex makes this persons life complete. to me it sounds too coincidental to me. especially the wording. and that is not normal behavior of my ex. so i still ignored it and have not said much. My other ran into her and said she seemed good and was smiling and laughing with her female friend. But i am so confused still on why she would put a post like that after the no contact in place. and through her telling me she did not want to be with me she was flaunting how happy she was to be single and she is enjoying being single and doing what she wants and she was tired of doing what everyone wants her to do. She also told me to go hang out with other girls and stay busy. So i just remain with the no contact. my question is since i messed up and looked super desperate and did not give her space and it came to her telling me she did not want to see me anymore…. what do you think the chances are that she will come back around? she said she was over it when she did not want to be with me. but i find it so hard to believe. she has always been a bottled person. Should i just let her contact me or should i reach out to her in a month or so? before i bugged her to much before she made her decision, she did make plans with me to hang out the next week and see how things go. but i believe she knew she was going to hang out with this dude the weekend before. could you help me out Kevin?

  • Matt February 24, 2015, 9:29 am

    Kevin,

    I forgot to mention that she kept saying she will not be pressured into getting back into a relationship with me. and that she did not want to be with me right now.

  • Matt February 24, 2015, 9:30 am

    Kevin,

    I forgot to mention that she kept saying she will not be pressured into getting back into a relationship with me.

  • Matt February 25, 2015, 8:54 am

    Kevin,
    So I have done everything wrong in the book after my ex gf cheated with an old friend she kept secret from everyone and and broke up with me. we did spend time after the whole cheating thing and we slept together and she told me she loved me and came to cuddle with me. Later that week She said that she did not know if she wanted to be with me. Then as I pressured her she said she did not want to be with me right now and had this whole plan of talking, then being friends, then working on things. Then I told her I could not do that and we had to part ways because I could not be friends with her. Then I broke down and did everything wrong in the book
    like not giving her space to begging, over the next few days. through all this it’s like she became colder and was also communitcating with the guy and she lied to me and said she would not go out on valintines day but I put 2 and 2 together and realized she went and spent the weekend with the guy. Through out this she also was almost flaunting how happy she was living single life and telling me this guy just keeps in contact with her. I felt like she strung me along to see if things would work out with the other guy. But the whole weekend she asked me to not contact her but once again bugged her. After her weekend with him she then texted me that she made her decision if she wanted to work on things and said she no longer wants to see me or for me to contact Her. I have not contacted her since. she also blocked me on fb the next day after my old ex commented on a picture she was tagged in And then the next day she deleted her fb when another girl liked my photo… It could be coincidence but the timing was to good. Then 6 days after her telling me to contact Her she hacked a co workers fb that she knows I am friends with and posted that this female co-workers favorite person is my ex and that that female would be incomplete without her. I ignored the comment as I felt it was directed to get a ride out of me. Could be coincidence again but to good to not be. It’s been about 10 days since no contact And I can pony imagine she is still talking to this guy and hanging out with him. I just find it hard to believe she is over me that fast. What should I do? What do you think my chances are?

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:21 am

      You should do no contact for at least three months. She cheated on you and she is incredibly manipulative and dramatic. Unless you want a lot of drama and get cheated on again, you should stay away from her. But it has to be your choice, not mine. Do no contact for 3 months, and I mean complete no contact. Remove her from social media, don’t talk about her with mutual friends, nothing. And if after that you still want her back, then contact her. Trust me, you will still have a pretty good chance. But still, don’t consider taking her back unless she shows remorse and is willing to work on building the trust back again (because it is going to be really hard to do that).

      • Matt February 27, 2015, 2:20 pm

        Kevin,

        Thanks for the advice. I do have a few more questions Though. She did noT show remorse from the beginning when she was caught. Now she says she did not sleep with this guy just talked with him… But I have my doubts. If she did not show remorse from the beginning is that necessarily a bad thing? She did get angry every time I called her out on hanging out with him after. She also turned her family on me to think it was all my fault. I just don’t know what to think. What am I suppose to do if she contacts me before or even after those 3 months? I mean this girl crushed my heart And even gave herself to another man and then told me that she was sorry I was hurting. she wasn’t sorry for doing the act she was just sorry I was hurting… And she is like on a high right now at the fact that she crushed me and had the power to tell me not to contact Her.

        • Kevin February 28, 2015, 2:09 am

          Yes, it’s a bad thing that she didn’t show any remorse. And it’s even worse that you gave her enough power to crush you more. But that doesn’t matter. Once you start no contact, you will realise this breakup was a blessing in disguise. You will realise that you dodged a bullet there. And if she tries contacting you, don’t answer her. If she continues, tell her you need time and space and you’ll appreciate it if she doesn’t contact you for a while.

          • Matt February 28, 2015, 3:55 am

            Do you think someone like that can ever change and develop a conscious ? The thing is I always new something was off about her. She was always distant. She was sexually abused as a child and I think it had a lot to do with who she is today. I tried to tell her she needs help but she said she got help as a kid and she does not need to see anyone. But she is in denial. She needs mental help. I felt so compelled to save her and to protect her. That’s why I was so crushed that she did this to me after all I did for her. She threw every excuse at me on why she does not want to be with me. Anywhere from well it’s the way you talk to me… And she said I need to work on my self and she needs to work on herself. She even tried telling me she was not sexually satisfied which sounds like bs because she was the one who got more pleasure than I did. It’s just hard to understand everything that happened and how fast it happened and spirlrd down hill. It’s like she wanted me to be jealous of this other guy and compete with him. And in the long run I looked desprite and the other guy didn’t so he got the best of her. Now I just want the satisfaction of getting her back so then I could get even and get my self esteem back then leave her and move on with my life. I guess you can say I want to get even…. Is that the wrong thing to do?

          • Kevin March 1, 2015, 7:04 am

            Yes, that’s a very wrong thing to do. Not only morally but because it’s going to take a lot out of you if you start playing into her games. A better idea will be to move on. You know how they say the best revenge is living well? That’s the best way to go in your situation. And yes, someone like her can change, but it usually takes years of therapy and it’s very rare. And I won’t recommend you sit around waiting for that to happen.

          • Matt February 28, 2015, 5:01 am

            I mean what if it was the way I talked to her… Sometimes we got into heated arguements. And I would ignore her for sometime till things killed over… I said some mean things to her too. But, I don’t kmow… If you love someone you work on issues together wouldn’t you say? It still makes no sense on why she would lie to me then make plans to cheat on me behind my back. She did cry and say she knows she hurt me a few days after cheating.
            . But then she also kept trying to justicy what she did was right. But when I told her no it was wrong and that she knew it was wrong she said yea she knew it was wrong when she was doing it but did not seem remorse full. I mean was this her nature to cheat or do you think she just broke mentally… She said to me that she always felt something was missing from the relationship… But why stay with me for almost 3 years…. She asked me if counseling would help us an. I shut the idea down because I was upset at her and I felt I put more into the relationship than she did. She never tried spicing our love life up. but know that she has interest in another guy shes working out more and eating way better and got her old job back and is shopping buying new clothes and even got back on birth control to have better sex… All for this guy… And I even told her that the not being on birth control was really a barrier in me getting pleasure… So it’s like I don’t know what to think… Did I mess up so much she turned cold…. Was it my fault…. If it was should I try winning her back …. I am so lost…. Like I can move on and all … But I have a strong love for her. Stronger than I ever felt before. I mean she is young age 22 and I am 28 … Could I be mad at her for wanting to explore at a young age… I did meat her when she was 19 and had already 8 partners… So it’s like she has had a fair share…. I just do not know what to think. Now I think she is seeing that guy she kept secret from everyone who is 34. But I don’t know for sure…. Should I even bother with this girl anymore…. could it have been all my fault ? She has always been in a constant state of ” she does not know.” Like was always worried about something or uneased … Like she would always pick at her finger tip skin and I would tell her that’s not normal.

          • Kevin March 1, 2015, 7:06 am

            It wasn’t your fault. Your relationship would have ended the same way no matter what you did. The only thing you could have done is broke up with her sooner when you saw the signs of her being manipulative or a cheater (and there were probably signs).

          • Matt March 1, 2015, 3:55 am

            And if she comes back around and we get back together… How many times will she seek outside the relationship.. is this always going to be a concern for me that she will seek outside the relationship ? epecially as easy as she did …Its all puzzle to me. Is like this guy sweet talked her and all she could see was wanting to be intamite with this guy. And even told me she no longer wants to see me and does not want to contact her anymore. It’s like she is blindsided and does not care…

          • Kevin March 1, 2015, 7:09 am

            If she comes back, you should not get back together unless you are absolutely sure she will not do it again. And for you to be absolutely sure, she needs to show that she is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust and make the relationship work. Unless she does, you should not accept her back.

          • Matt April 24, 2015, 6:16 pm

            Hey Kevin,

            So I tried to obey what you avdvised me to do which was complete no contact. I got three weeks into it and had a relapse and texted her twice about 3 days apart. She did not block my number but and she got my text but she never answered. One text was about a key to my front gate that I needed and another was about being friends with benefits…. I know very stupid of me. Anyways I went into no contact once again and it’s been about 45 days since I lasted reached out and it’s been about 2.5 months since she told me not to contact her anymore. I am pretty sure that she moved in with the guy she cheated on me with and about a month ago. I could be wrong but my guesses have been right thus far. I have not heard from here since she last texted me not to contact her. I have mixed feelings still and I get the urge to conract her and think about her miss her so on and so forth. I have went out with a few girls already but just no sparks yet. I feel if I contact her she will think I am weak and she will gain power again. Should I just keep hanging in there on no contact? Or reach out to her? What did you mean when you said the relationship would have ended the same way no matter what? Is she a sociopath you think ? I keep getting dragged into these thoughts that its my fault. I think it has a lot to do with her mother texting me that it was my fault her daughter cheated when all of this drama went down. But I don’t know I think I was responsible and doing everything a man should have been doing which was taking care of the house hold. I mean I was working 85 hours a week, managing all he bills, etc while she just had to go to school which she didn’t. She also had to cook and clean which she did about 80 % of the time. While I was working she was busy making devastating plans behind my back and starting rows with me. Anyways, I do appreciate your advice. Should I really just give up hope on wanting to be with her? Everyone tells me I am crazy to want to be with her still after all she has done.

          • Kevin April 25, 2015, 8:05 am

            Hey Matt,

            I wouldn’t go so far as calling her a sociopath. But she has issues and I don’t think it’ll be possible for you to have a long healthy relationship with her. Her mother calling you and blaming you for the cheating is just the icing on the cake. You can see where her remorselessness comes from. I will recommend you start no contact again. Do it at least for 3 months. Date other girls during this time. If possible get therapy. Her cheating on you was not your fault. I am pretty sure she will cheat on the next guy as well. You can’t control her behaviour. You can however, build yourself back up again, and find someone who will make you happy. So, start no contact again and do not break it this time. No matter what.

          • Matt April 26, 2015, 8:43 am

            Yea I agree; I do not think I could have a healthy relationship with her. i think she is screwed up in the head. There is a lot of things I left out to describe what she has done. But the sickest part is that the guy she cheated on me with and is still with… He is 10 years older than her and has been “hanging out” with her since she was 15 years old. She knows the relationship with this guy was in appropriate she she kept him secret and she admitted that she did not want anyone to pass judgement on her and that now she is older no one can tell her what to do. She also said she is sick of everyone telling her what to do and that she wanted to “lose” herself. She also mentioned that this guy has only been dating around and has not found “the one” which it seems to me like she was trying extra hard to be “the one” for him. I believe that her relationship with this guy is way inappropriate but there’s nothing I can do about it as she has silenced me by stretigically getting everyone on her side. So this is one of the main reasons I do not think her relationship with this guy will not end anytime soon. When she had did all this she made sure to put me down in every way and to do things that showed she had ZERO respect for me. I mean do people like her ever regret what they do?

          • Kevin April 27, 2015, 4:20 am

            In some instances, they do. If somehow they realise there is something wrong with them and decide to get professional help. But that shouldn’t be any of your business. Because even if she were to regret her actions, it won’t be anytime soon. You should be concentrating on moving on and removing her completely from your life.

          • Matt May 14, 2015, 1:39 pm

            Kevin,
            Say theoretically I wanted to tech out to her and get back with her… What would be the best way to approach her? The bottom line is that she cheated, was really disrepectful after, minipulative, lied a whole lot, turned her family against me, said the most hateful thinks to me like I am going to be a bad husband and a bad father and that she is not satisfied with me and even went to great lengths of trying to make me feel jealous by saying how all these guys are hitting on her and that the guy she cheated on me with is just friends and stays in touch. she even poked fun and seemed to enjoy toying with me about telling me how good I looked but then in the same sentence she did that she did not know if she wanted to rip my clothes off and have sex with me and when I tried to have sex with her she said its not going to happen because she does not want to cloud her judgement…. Makes no sense to me especially after she told me she is not satisfied with me and that she wants to loose herself in sex but then says she does not want Rush into a relationship right now… But then moves in with this other guy a month after all this…. Makes no sense. But say I wanted to get her back…. What would be the best way to approach her / reach out to her and try to win her back?

          • Matt May 14, 2015, 1:47 pm

            I also forgot to mention that she has not tried reaching out to me at all since she told me not to contact her and that she no longer wants to see me. But I recently found out that she either got fired or quit her job she just got back a month after she told me to not contact her anymore and around the same time I suspected she moved in with this guy… In addition, her. Brother told me that his sister has cheated before and has trouble understanding why it’s wrong… He also told her that she could not sleep around with married guys at my new job sight when I was with her which I questioned but she said she did not know why he would say something like that but at the same time she was smerking. One of the last times I spoke to this girl she was laughing and asking me if I was mad and asking me if I was going to kill her…. This statement blew my mind because I have never threatened or payed a hand on her in that way. Does that sound like a girl is normal?

          • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:46 am

            Hey Matt,

            No, the girl doesn’t sound normal. I recently read somewhere that in a relationship there is never only one crazy person. There are always two. It makes sense to me from personal experience and from helping so many people with breakups and relationships. So, if you want to be with her, then guess what, you are not normal either. Instead of trying to figure out how to get back with her, I’ll recommend you try to figure out why you want to be with her. Work on learning more about yourself and what lead you into a relationship with a person like her and what is compelling you to still want to be with her and keeping you obsessed with her.

          • Matt May 15, 2015, 12:33 am

            Also, it has been about 2 1/2 months since I last contacted her. If I wait too long, won’t this limit the chances I have to getting her back? Especially if she moved in with the new guy one month afrer last speaking with me…

          • Matt May 17, 2015, 11:01 pm

            Well I got in conract with her. She told me she got married two months ago to the guy she ran off with. She told me how happy she was and they they are going to try for kids soon. She told me that she fell in love with this guy 6 years ago when she first layed eyes on him. She told me that marrying him was the best decision of her life and she is so happy. She still had zero simpathy for cheating on me with him. She said she knew that’s who she wanted to be with and that she is sorry I was caught in the middle. She said she did not use me that she was only laying to herself about marrying me. She told me that she went to Italy for her hubby moon and it was great. She then told me that she is needs to not talk to me anymore as it’s rude she’s talking to me on the phone and her husband does not know. I called her out and said she was talking with thingy and spent a weekend with him behind my back. She said it’s different she is married not and there are boundaries. Then we got off the phone. She then texred me 20 minutes later and said to please keep the conversation private as she does not want her marriage tovbe ruined if he were to find out. She set a marriage with cheating and lying. Anyways I just wanted to get your final take on that. There was more to the convo but too much to type. She also told me that she is not going to block my number but if I keep calling her and texting her she will. I had not texted her the other day. Then she told me to only communicate through email the that she is only to use email to communicate with me and not suppose to talk on the phone with me because it is rude to her husband.

          • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:59 am

            I hope you got enough closure to not talk to her ever again. I will not be surprised if she contacts you after a while. If she does, completely ignore her. This girl is probably going to cheat on her husband as well. I just hope you don’t allow yourself to be the one she cheats on him with. You deserve better than her. Do complete no contact and move on with your life.

          • Matt May 21, 2015, 11:40 am

            Thanks Kevin. I really appreciate you helping me through this rough time. You give good advise. I guess it’s one of those things where you ignore your own internal instincts. I seen her for what she was in the beginning of the relationship but by then it was too late she had me brain washed with the image of her being a great girl. I just ignored my instincts and gave her the benefit of the doubt. But now I realize she is a person with a lot of issues that have really bad outcomes. Her previous relationships before me were train recks. I was the only one who stuck it out so long. I had one more email convo with her and based on her reponse I concluded she is using me to make her new husband jealous and trying to hurt me at the same time. She is a manipulating liar and I realized I cannot believe anything she says because it’s BS. I stuck it out so long because her family embraced me into their lives, which I though was because they cared for me. However, in the end they all turned on me because their daughter minipulated them into thinking I was bad to her even though she lied to them and they know that she lied about cheating. But, I should have seen this coming because her mother only talks about have a “provider.” Like mother like daughter. Either way I blocked her completely and I am looking in the present and future. Once again I appreciate you for what you do Kevin.

  • Paul February 25, 2015, 9:53 am

    Well, it’s been over a month since we broke up, and now I feel it’s the time to break the no-contact period. But, looks like she got a new boyfriend (guess it’s that rebound relationship). Should I wait until they break up, or should I contact her now? Thanks

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:22 am

      If you satisfy all the points mentioned in the checklist (Step 4), then you should contact her, regardless of her having a new boyfriend.

  • e.p. February 25, 2015, 7:02 pm

    So they live together now & have been for probably 2 weeks. Anyways some random girl messaged me on Facebook saying that she knew his new girlfriend too and where they’re from she’s known for being an easy girl. She also told me that she ruined her relationship with her kids dad.

    She was telling me that she’s a homewrecker and she always does this. She also told me that my ex’s new girlfriend messages her still talking crap to her about her now again boyfriend(baby dad). She was telling me that his new girlfriend was only living with my ex cause she needed somewhere to live and that she was sure that as soon as her baby dad got out of jail she was gonna leave my ex to go mess with her man again.

    She said she’s been putting up with this girl for 4 years or so. That she doesn’t leave her boyfriend alone. This girl also said she messaged my ex telling him everything about her cause apparently my ex was liking all this girls pictures on instagram and so she called him out and sent it to his new girlfriend saying “Your man is being thirsty” etc. so in other words he might be doing her dirty too.

    After I was messaging with this girl for a while I came down to not caring about their relationship anymore. It’s fake and I’m more of a woman than her. He said she was when I first found out and that hurt but now I know I’m worth more. They don’t phase me anymore. Still don’t want her around my daughter.

    She was telling me a lot of things and just said worry about yourself and daughter believe me he’s going to see he messed up. I realized I’m so much better than this to be losing my focus on them. This girl helped to see that this girl is nowhere near my level. She’ll never have what we had. They both will see that soon. Now I don’t really want him back. But we’ll see in the future but as of now I’m over him and her. I want someone who will appreciate me and love me.

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:27 am

      This just confirmed everything we talked about their relationship. Hold on to that thought about not wanting him back.

  • anjali February 26, 2015, 7:19 am

    Hi Kevin,

    So last night he texted me he loves me, and misses me so much, and he’s been looking at my pictures all the time. i’m really confused now. i’m not sure if i should just keep playing it cool or be like” nothing is stopped you from being with me. you could still find jobs around here if you wanted like you said.”

    I’m not sure if that is being pushy or would be appropriate given what he’s generally been saying and since he’s been texting me a lot. i just don’t know how to handle this situation. am i supposed to put my foot down and tell him to get his ***t together or keep just being responsive for this to go anywhere constructive.

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:30 am

      Hey Anjali,

      I know it’s hard, but I’ll recommend you wait a little longer. Let him make the moves for a while. If he doesn’t or you just can’t take it anymore, then you can go ahead with putting your foot down and/or telling him to get job where you are. However, and this is the important part, if he rejects you, then you should tell him to cut contact and that you can’t let him continue stringing you along and stopping you from moving on.

  • anjali February 26, 2015, 11:55 am

    i’m not sure what to do anymore. i feel like on one end my gut says that talking like this could be the beginning of a new relationship. on the other end it says this is his way of just staying commitment free while having me in his life too, which isn’t fair to me. i’m not sure which feeling is stronger.

    • Kevin February 27, 2015, 7:10 am

      Both of them are right. How about this? Give yourself a time limit. A month, two weeks. Whatever suits you. If things don’t progress in that much time, then tell him what’s on your mind.

  • e.p. February 26, 2015, 12:40 pm

    Yes it does. If he did it to me he’d do it to her. The girl messaged me again saying that my ex’s new girlfriend wrote a letter to her boyfriend in jail and he received it yesterday.

    Unfortunately I was trying to keep this away from my family. I didn’t want them to find out cause we all the new gf but my aunt found out and told me something. She also said how my ex’s new girlfriend has a boyfriend in jail that she supposedly loves. This confirmed that, that boyfriend in jail is the random girl’s baby daddy. Funny how this whole drama only revolves around 5 people, we’re all connected.

    Yeah I’m trying to hold on to not wanting him back cause I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and I just want to feel that anymore.

    • Kevin February 27, 2015, 7:13 am

      His life has been constant drama for a long time. When you were with him, your life was as well. The breakup is your opportunity to get out of the drama and live a healthy life where you can grow and concentrate on achieving your goals.

  • andrew February 27, 2015, 12:59 pm

    did my post not get approved because it isn’t a heterosexual relationship? We need advice to…

    • Kevin February 28, 2015, 2:07 am

      Hey Andrew,

      The posts here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post in the message boards and it’ll be approved within 24 hours. It has nothing to do with your relationship being heterosexual or homosexual.

      • Richard March 6, 2015, 1:32 pm

        If the post don’t get approved are we notified via mail or do we just have to wait and se if it pops up?

        • Kevin March 7, 2015, 7:54 am

          Hey Richard,

          You don’t get an email. This is why I started the message boards. Your post will get approved within 24 hours and after that you are free to post whenever you want. Moreover, you get an email every time someone replies and you have the ability to subscribe to topics.

  • Matt February 28, 2015, 3:04 am

    hey Kevin, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I responded back to your post but I did it directly under our conversation…. I was not sure if your able to see that or not. In that response I did have a few more questions if you don’t mind. Thanks again for your time.

  • A.K.J February 28, 2015, 8:59 pm

    Hi Kevin!
    I broke up with my ex about almost 2 weeks ago, it was a mutual decision, as he said he lost feelings and didn’t want to love anymore and wanted to be single.
    So I agreed and then we broke up, we’ve made no contact since. But I started missing him alot and so I came to your site. I was glad I was doing the no contact thing right from the start. However, my friend got into a conversation with him just yesterday and he told her he’s gladly moving on from me and has no feelings for me anymore. What do I do? Please do reply fast as it’s been giving me sleepless nights now a days.
    Thanks in advance!

    -Aakriti

    • Kevin March 1, 2015, 7:08 am

      Just because your friend says so doesn’t mean it’s true. A lot of people are very good at hiding their true state from the world (and sometimes even themselves). Give him time. And don’t obsess over his progress during no contact. Concentrate on your progress.

    • emily March 12, 2015, 1:42 pm

      Hey dont worry if he is going to move on then you should its obvious he isn’t right for you and yes I know you feelings will say different but you deserve better if he thinks that

    • adam March 13, 2015, 6:33 pm

      you never know;he could have visited this website just like you are! I think he might be saying that he’s moving on, but he’s really thinking about you

  • Andy March 2, 2015, 8:16 am

    Apologies for the long comment/post!

    I’ve been going through the no-contact phase for 3 weeks now (tried it previously but did actually make contact a few times, and even had a few really good ‘general chats’ for between 45-60 minutes each with ex on the phone – she even provisionally agreed to meet up for coffee/drink but in my view has been blowing hot and cold ever since given the subsequent messages I have received!) but wanted to try and do this properly.

    The issue is that having had absolutely NO contact whatsoever at all for a while I’m beginning to think that my ex is forgetting about me completely and moving on, thinking I have probably given up trying to contact her! It’s all very confusing as I want her to still have some thoughts about me, even if they are not in a ‘romantic’ way right now as I realise she needs time (but therein lies another problem…how much time does someone need until they realise they might have done the ‘wrong’ thing by splitting up).

    All this time I’ve been working on ‘improving myself’, de-cluttering at home (which is actually very therapeutic), going out for exercise, getting involved with charity work in an advisory role etc., but unfortunately I have been unlucky on the work front as a I am semi-freelance worker (something I did while we were together which she accepted/understood). Given the need to project elements of ‘security’ and ‘stability’ to a partner should I wait until I have my work position more stable before looking to get back in serious contact with her or drop her the occasional message to let her know I’m still interested in her life?

    Should I write her a handwritten (NOT typed!) letter to let her know exactly how I feel, given that I may not get the opportunity to say the things I want to in person?

    • Kevin March 2, 2015, 9:58 am

      Hey Andy,

      She will either realise that she made a mistake, or she will realise that breaking up was a good option and will start thinking about moving on. Either way, you will have the opportunity to re-attract her after no contact is over. If you have made changes, she will notice it and will realise the new relationship will not be the same as the old one and hopefully will want to get back together (even if she thinking about moving on during no contact). If she doesn’t then you gave it your best shot and you should try to move on as well.

      Do not write a letter telling her how you feel. Only follow the template mentioned in the article. Keep it short so as to leave things to her imagination. You don’t have to wait until you have your work position stable. As long as you are working towards a stable work position and are passionate about it, you are as good and attractive as someone who has security and stability.

  • jenny March 2, 2015, 8:54 am

    kevin
    plzzzz help me I am hell upset I cannot sleep whole night.i am very disappointed.my bf suddenly leave without telling any reason he is not takibg my calls and not relying my text even he blocked me whats app I am hell upset I want him back.i did begging and lot of plead but he is not replying what I should do now.help me…

    • Kevin March 2, 2015, 9:58 am

      You should follow the plan Jenny.

  • e.p. March 2, 2015, 4:54 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    It’s been a couple of days since I last posted. Well just wanted to update you. All day today I’ve been thinking of reasons why I’d want my ex back & well only ones I can’t think of is he’s my daughter’s dad and well still have love for him BUT I don’t feel the desperate need of wanting him back. Even though I had a dream with him last night that we got back.

    I actually went out the other night and met some guy. We talked and I had fun with him, we didn’t exchange numbers but while I was talking to him I realized I can have happiness wherever I go. My ex isn’t my happiness. Talking to this guy was an ego boost as well since he kept complimenting me all night. He was attractive as well.

    I guess my ex disappointed me so much with this new relationship that I just don’t feel bad anymore I just feel sorry. His aunt called me the other day saying how the girl is bad influence on him, he doesn’t seem to want to do anything but to be with her. That they don’t even know what he saw in her, no one there likes her. She also said she’s sure we’re going to get back but right now he seems to be in this phase. I told her even if he comes back I can’t guarantee I’d give him a chance even if I’m still in love with him.

    He’d have to change drastically and actually want to be committed to me. I also told her I’ve grown to see things differently that I won’t put up with any b.s. from him or anyone. I’m sure he can see the change in me and that I wouldn’t be scared to walk away. The other day he surprised me since he kept texting me asking about our daughter and was like I miss her. Since I moved out he’s never texted me saying he misses her. I just replied saying “she misses you too”. I’m sure he sees that I’m happy with myself and like I’m just genuinely happy with everything since a lot of people have told me that I look happy now.

    Also the girl I had told you about sent me another screenshot of what his girlfriend said to her and she said that once he comes out of jail he’s going to be with her. She told me to send it to my ex but I told her no that I would let him learn when she f**ked him over. He’ll learn the hard way. Cause if I said something I’d look like I’d desperately want to separate them. Apparently everyone is sure we’ll get back cause everyone’s sure he’s going to come back to me.

    • Kevin March 3, 2015, 8:07 am

      Hey e.p.,

      Everyone is probably right about him wanting to come back to you. But be prepared for the other possibility. There’s a very slight chance he might not want to come back (even after his relationship fails). And if that happens, you don’t want to be the one succumbing to rejection and acting needy. I am not saying it’ll happen. I am just saying you should be prepared for anything. Even if he doesn’t want to come back, keep your head high and move on with your life. And if he does, then make sure you don’t accept him without giving it a serious thought. Good luck!

  • e.p. March 3, 2015, 12:29 pm

    Yeah I’m not going to put myself in that situation where I’m sure he’ll come back and then he doesn’t cuz I don’t want to be waiting. I’ve come to terms with the idea of him not ever coming back to me and I’m ok if he doesn’t. I’m just moving on with my life, trying to just become a better person.

    If he was to come back I’d have to think about it real good. I wouldn’t take him back right away either cause he’d have to prove he’s committed and if he can’t then I’m not going to get involved with him. Thank you Kevin.

  • Esther March 4, 2015, 12:52 pm

    Does this NC rule work even if the other party has moved out of state? I read on blogs and forums on Google this usually means they want to move on and it’s over. However, there are some people I still talk to after moving and our relationship isn’t that great.

    • Kevin March 5, 2015, 8:17 am

      Hey Esther,

      It can still work. I have had cases where long distance relationships were reconciled. You just need to follow the plan until the texting part. And if he is interested, you will both start texting often and start talking on phone. You can eventually ask him to come on skype or suggest that you go over there for a short trip. But before all that, you need to do no contact and follow the first 3 steps.

      • Esther March 5, 2015, 8:53 pm

        Thanks so much for all your help. The problem is, I am dealing with a rather wishy-washy guy. Like you said, so far I started NC in hopes he would miss me and clean up. The break up was rather bad and even when I hinted he would miss me in the future and come back his response was: “There is nothing for me to come back to. I’ve moved on.” Indeed, he started dating women only 1-2 months after we broke up. He is having rebounds.

        This is the problem: I can’t figure out if he really means what he has said, or it is just out of anger. I had sent him quite a few email messages the past two weeks so of course he would be a bit irritated.

        I have been in similar situations and usually after 2-3 months the other party has a change of heart and misses you. When I tried to reach out to them again after that sliver of time, they instantly regretted arguing/whatever went on between us thst caused the split. Time apart had patched up the holes in the relationships. Some I did have to let go, but at least was able to move on thanks to NC. This time I am not so sure because he now lives out of state (when he moved he said he did it for the money since we were in Southern California with a high COL, but then I heard this is usually a way of saying he doesn’t want to try any longer so I’m not sure). Either way, he continued talking to me after the move.

        We had a very toxic relationship and I am thinking even if we can’t get back together, try to clear our heads. Forget about the past. NC is great for helping clean people like that up, or at least moving on. What is your advice? I’m thinking at least 65 days of NC.

        • Kevin March 6, 2015, 9:55 am

          I agree, you should do no contact for 65 days especially if it was a toxic relationship. If you still want him back, you can contact him after that and see where he stands.

          • Esther March 6, 2015, 10:30 am

            The problem is, now I’ve fallen into a vicious cycle where I continuously have the urge to contact him. I don’t remember it being this hard with my other relationships. I told myself I would stop writing emails or texts to him, and then I always have more to say. So I would let it all out even after telling him I started NC.

            Needless to say, we’ve reached that point where he no longer believes I can do NC. This is problematic as he’s taken for granted I can’t move on from him. Even when I say, “This is the last message you’ll receive because I want to clean up” or something to that effect, he’s always like: “Yeah, but this is what you said weeks ago and it hasn’t stopped.” I’ve finally concluded the only thing to do is just write down all these extra thoughts in a notebook. I did succeed in keeping quiet for two days, but still had to send one more message to him. The first few days are always the hardest.

          • Kevin March 7, 2015, 7:52 am

            Hey Esther,

            It helps when you have things to do and look forward to do. Try giving yourself some goals. Start a new hobby and keep yourself busy for a couple of weeks. It’ll get easier after that.

      • Esther March 5, 2015, 9:53 pm

        It’s also important to note that most exes will indeed try to worm their way back into your life. You may not be able to have a relationship with them again but I recall many instances where I wrote one up after many months or years just to apologize for dumping them, explain myself and wish them well. Or the opposite happens, they write to me.

        • Nico March 13, 2015, 5:03 pm

          Esther, i’m also in a NC at the moment. I’ve written many emails that i kept in my drafts but didn’t send, and i continued in a notebook, which converted into a diary.
          This will be usefull when NC is over, either if we get back together or not. It’s nice to have your thoughts in one place so that you can read them again later. If we get the 100% of trust & respect (which we never had), maybe i will even give to her to read.

  • Kate March 4, 2015, 3:58 pm

    Best article ive read on the internet really needed this !!!

  • anjali March 4, 2015, 11:49 pm

    Hi Kevin, Anjali again. I wanted to check in. I took your advice to let him keep initiating more and he was for a while via text. This past weekend I suggested a phone conversation ( because has suggested the last one about 2 weeks ago). He said sure for sunday and I told him maybe we could talk, depending on if I could get work done. I texted him late at night and asked if he was free. No response. Next day he apologized and said he’d been napping and didn’t wake up. I said it was ok and that I was free later at night during week, except for some days. Since then, he hasn’t responded. It’s just been really bipolar behavior I guess. The day before I suggested the phone conversation ( which I did ver casually, not as an obligation) he’d texted me ” I love you”. In fact, he texted me that most of last week and now he’s dropped off the face of the planet. I’m guessing he is busy with work/career stuff again? I’m not sure.

    Overall, I’m not particularly distraught or upset. It has bothered me a bit, but I’ve been able to go on with my life just fine. I’m wondering if I should just let this keep playing out and see where it goes or change something? What do you think?

    Thanks
    Anjali

    • Kevin March 5, 2015, 8:19 am

      Let him initiate contact next and see how it goes. You don’t need to change anything. Like I said before, don’t keep waiting for him forever. Give yourself a time limit. And if he doesn’t make a move till then, give him an ultimatum and move on.

  • Stoyan March 7, 2015, 1:14 am

    Why i am not able to post a single comment?

    • Kevin March 7, 2015, 7:55 am

      Hey,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post your question on the message boards.

  • e.p. March 9, 2015, 3:08 am

    Hey Kevin
    So today I was told that they broke up. I believe she broke up with him for her ex boyfriend who’s still in jail and has a girlfriend which is also the mother of his daughter(who’s the random girl I told you about). She messaged me asking how I was and if his new girlfriend(ex now) has messaged me or something, I said no and she said she had messaged her telling her she wasn’t with my ex anymore and that she was gonna get back with the girl’s boyfriend(the random girl)

    What is now hurting me is thinking that he’s most likely heartbroken by her but he wasn’t heartbroken when we ended. Was I not important? Was the love really no longer there? I’m not expecting him to come back to me but just knowing he’s probably hurt by her hurts me. It’s not that I wanted him in pain for me but knowing he felt some pain was a reassurance that he still felt something for me. Even though he’s not going to show he’s heartbroken since he’s good at hiding feelings he still must be hurt right?

    • Kevin March 9, 2015, 7:52 am

      How can you be so sure? Even if he is hurting, it’s probably because he feels rejected. Not because he lost someone special. And why do you think he wasn’t heartbroken when you guys ended? If he is good at hiding his feelings, he was probably hiding his feelings.

  • Helen March 9, 2015, 4:24 am

    Hello Kevin, it has been a while,

    After 2 months of strict NC (6 month post BU, 4 year old relationship) my ex sent me a very emotional email, explaining to me that he needed to delete me from his facebook because he needs to move on and can’t do that when he sees my face every were (I haven’t posted any picture in 3 months) and feels that I can see what he posts.
    He also said that he feels ashamed and doesn’t feel like he deserve to have a life. I know he was posting some things and hiding them from me.

    He sent me this from a new email account and at the end he said that I shouldn’t feel forced to reply but that if I did I should do on that email address. (which makes me believe that he is trying to hide that from a potential new gf)

    He also said that it wasn’t a goodbye forever and did other odd things like linking a cute picture that ‘he though I would like’ and music advice. (In a closure email? Seriously?)

    What do you think of this? Of his attitude? Should I reply? (I never send a magic letter to agree with the BU etc.)

    TBH, I don’t know if I would want him back. I am moved on almost completely, but just out of curiosity if I wanted him back in the long run what should I do/say?

    Thank you a lot

    • Kevin March 9, 2015, 7:54 am

      Don’t reply to the email. Wait a week or two and establish contact again. Skip the magic letter and just send a text or short email. But only do it if you are absolutely sure you want him back. Since you have completely moved on, trying to get him back might take you a step back.

      • Helen March 9, 2015, 9:57 am

        I though I should reply and give him clsure and let him know that I’m ok with the break up and “release him” from his guilt so that we can establish a ‘fake’ friendship

        Why do you think I shouldn’t? And how do you read his attitude? I’m very confused

        Thanks again!

        • Kevin March 10, 2015, 6:45 am

          Hey Helen,

          That might also work. But the reason I told you not to reply is because you said you have almost moved on and you are not sure if you want him back. And in my opinion, you should only contact him if you are absolutely sure you want him back.

          He has been missing you and trying to work through his grief. A reply from you will probably make him feel better. If you want to get back together, now is probably the right time to make a move. But like I said before, only do it if you are sure you have bright future with him. If you aren’t sure, contacting him will make moving on harder for both of you.

          • Helen March 10, 2015, 3:23 pm

            Thank you very much for your help Kevin, I just have a few last things to ask you,

            I’m not sure I want him back because I’m not sure what kind of person he is now and the BU changed me as well. But I would need to see him and talk to him to know.

            He lives in another town (1h away by plane), I was thinking about replying to him my closure email so that he doesn’t feel so much guilty about me and not frighten to see me again.

            What would be a good move? Send my email then see if he respond? I finish my email by saying that when the timing is right we can try to get in touch and that I would like to hear from him sometimes,

            I don’t know if thats good, what do you think?

            Some people told me he sent me that to catch my attention, probably feeling that I was moving on do you think that could be the case?

            Again thank you!

          • Kevin March 11, 2015, 10:49 am

            Yes, that could be the case. He could also be sincere about what he said in the mail. If the reason for your doubt is what you said, then you should contact him. Send him the email and see how it goes from there. Good luck. 🙂

  • e.p. March 9, 2015, 12:39 pm

    Well he would say he loves her so I’m sure it hurts him and he was saying and acting like she was the one. I just think he wasn’t hurt with me cause he was so quick to replace me and just move her in with him after I had just left for a month. Plus he didn’t try to make things better when I left. He didn’t fight for me & the relationship. I don’t know maybe he was hiding them but I can’t focus on this. I have a goal and it involves my full mind on that. I’m just going to let time pass and let him heal and well the whole situation.

    • Kevin March 10, 2015, 6:46 am

      Hey e.p.,

      All those were signs of a rebound relationship and in my experience, they don’t hurt so much when they end. But it’s a good idea to not focus on this. Good luck. 🙂

  • stoyan March 10, 2015, 10:56 am

    Hello Kevin,
    Please help me,I really would like to get my ex back.I am 28 ,she is 27.We were living together for 2 years.We broke a week ago.The hings were not going great lately,so we decided to take a break(20 days) and decide what we are going to do afterwards.And so we did.During the break we exchanged messages twice and we spoke on the phone once.After the period ended my girlfriend called me and told me that we need to talk.I went to her place to hear that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore,that she is feeling great back at her home,she is not tired anymore,she can spend a lot of time with her friends and so on.My reaction was calm.I told her that if she has decided that she will feel better alone,i will respect her decision.She asked me 3 times what do i think is the right decision and admitted that she is afraid that she might not take the right decision.I told her that i want her back, but if she has decided to break up with me ,so be it.So i went back home .After 2 days i decided that it will be a good idea to call her and talk .I invited her to a cup of coffee.I tried to convince her to get back with me,but had no success.We agreed that she will pick her stuff in the next 2 days and get back to her parent’s house.During that break i tried to convince her one more time to reconsider and get back with me.Again , i had no success.So a week ago she came to pack her stuff.We didn’t speak much.Right before leaving she told me it was a great experience to live with me for 2 years .I told her that it was a great experience for me as well.She melted down and started to hug me and kiss me.Before she left ,she gave me a passionate kiss.Next day it was a holiday ,so i decided to surprise her .I went to the store and bought few roses.Called her to set up the meeting and went to her house shortly after.The result was the same.She melted down ,she was very surprised and started hugging me and kissing me.Right after i left she messaged me:I’m really happy,You still bring the joy in me.Another 2 days passed and i called her to set up a new meeting,but this time i offered a drink. She told me she has plans and maybe she won’t be able to meet me.The problem is that i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.Do i have a chance ?That kiss means a lot to me,but does it really mean anything to her?Should i start the nc phase?Please help me.Really appreciate your help.
    Thank you,

    Stoyan

    • Kevin March 11, 2015, 10:45 am

      You do have a chance. Yes, start no contact. And follow the plan.

      • stoyan March 11, 2015, 5:12 pm

        Hello Kevin,

        Thank you or the quick response.We broke because she lost her attraction for me.Could you please be more specific and tell me :How long should the nc phase continue ?Do you think i have a slight chance of getting her back or is it more than that?

        • Kevin March 12, 2015, 8:49 am

          Hey,

          Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. You should not end no contact until you have done everything in the checklist. You have a decent chance of getting her back. But you should also be prepared for the worst. There’s also a chance you may never get her back. Which is why you should do no contact and not end it until you are prepared mentally for either outcome.

          • stoyan March 13, 2015, 9:06 am

            Hey Kevin,
            Thank you for your help.Just a quick update.She called me yesterday to tell me that she won’t be available this Friday,but she wants to arrange a meeting next week.I’m confused with her behavior.Is this some kind of a backup plan?
            Is it ever a good idea to skip the nc phase?
            Thank you,
            Stoyan

          • Kevin March 13, 2015, 10:31 am

            Rarely. I always recommend no contact, if nothing else, to give you a better perspective about your relationship with your ex and your life without your ex.

            She has made it clear that she doesn’t want to get back together. So, I’ll recommend you start no contact and tell her you need time and space to deal with the breakup. Her behavior is pretty common. She doesn’t want to lose you completely and doesn’t want to be with you as well. Hence, the confusing behavior.

  • e.p. March 10, 2015, 12:58 pm

    Maybe it was just a rebound but since he was doing things with her like if it was a serious relationship I took it as if it wasn’t. That same day they broke up later on that night he was out with his sister. She posted a snapchat with him and he was all smiling. Thank you Kevin, I’ll just have to see what happens 🙂

    • e.p. March 11, 2015, 1:15 pm

      Also I forgot to add that I happened to text him the same day they broke up cause I wanted to talk about something important about our daughter and I had asked if we can meet up somewhere so I can explain everything he then replied saying tell me now I said nevermind just forget it and he replied again saying tell me but then I said it’s a lot to text and explain. I’ll explain when you come pick up our daughter. He didn’t reply after that.

      Now I feel like he probably thinks I was trying to get back or something but I really was just trying to explain something to him and I still didn’t know they were broken up so he probably thought I knew and saw a chance but it wasn’t even like that.

      • Kevin March 12, 2015, 8:47 am

        You are overthinking a small conversation. Stop trying to figure out what’s going on in his mind. It doesn’t matter.

  • Charlie March 12, 2015, 3:55 am

    Hi Kevin, I’ve asked to subscribe yet when i click confirm on my emails it says I already have (which i did a few weeks ago then unsubscribed). How come I cant re-subscribe on the same email address?

    • Kevin March 12, 2015, 8:52 am

      Hey Charlie,

      To resubscribe you will again have to click on the unsubscribe link in one of the emails and select the subscribe option. The emails will start from where you left them.

  • e.p. March 16, 2015, 4:01 am

    Lately all that’s been on my mind is him. I’ve been having dreams with him and they’re all about us getting back. I feel overwhelmed of all these feelings. One moment I’m fine and just like don’t ever take him back cause you don’t want to look stupid for taking him back but then moments later all I want is for us to get back and I just miss him so much.

    Part me is sure he’ll come back to me and well everyone else is saying it so then they must see it too but then it’s like why is it not happening. I know he needs times as so do I but then the other part is just like move on! It’s weird because I’m ok with knowing he’ll probably never be with me again but then I have my moments where I just refuse to let him go.

    My love for him is deep and knowing he’s ok makes me happy. I can’t bring myself to hate him or not care about him. Even after everything he did to me I want nothing but the best for him. I just wish he would see what he lost when he let me go. If his friends and family see he messed up then why can’t he?

    I’m not saying I’m the best thing for him but my love was sincere, everything I ever offered, everything about me to him was sincere. He knows I love him, he knows I’d always be there for him even if everyone turned their backs on him. He told me himself that he knew I’d always be the only person there for him. That he never wanted to lose me. That I’m everything to him.

    How do you tell someone that a couple weeks before leaving them for someone else? For someone who’s no good for you. His mom today told me that his ex gf went over yesterday morning and that they were arguing, well she was and he was asking her what was she doing there? That what did she want? That she needed to leave and not be going to his house to make scenes. Then he told his mom he was sorry and that he was going to change and make things right. He was going to start trying to become a better person.

    That made me glad cause then he knows she’s not really a great person for him. Also 2 more girls came forward about her messing with their kids fathers. Apparently she only goes after guys with kids. Anyways Kevin. I know I’m all over the place. I know I probably bother with all this.

    I’m at the point of just wanting to text him saying I miss you. I’m so close to doing that. I don’t want to play games where I act like I don’t want you or care just so that he can but I’m scared of being rejected that I just keep it all to myself. Help me please. I need to clear my head.

    • Kevin March 16, 2015, 8:24 am

      Hey e.p.,

      Despite all the love you have for him, he still cheated on you…multiple times. And if you get back together, there’s a good chance he will do it again. The only way you and him can be in a healthy trusting relationship where he is loyal to you is to make him work for you and make him realise that you won’t put up with anything less than what you deserve. I know you wish things were simple and you could just tell him how you feel and he would reciprocate and you two would get back together. And to be honest, if you contact him, there’s a chance it might work that way. But even if it does, I am quite sure he will go back to his old ways and you two will breakup again. So remember, this isn’t about getting him back, it’s about getting a relationship you deserve. A relationship that will make you happy and help you grow in life. A trusting relationship. There’s only one way to have that relationship with your ex. If it doesn’t work that way, you should move on so you can have that relationship with someone else.

  • dayton March 16, 2015, 11:27 am

    Kevin I tried posting a few days ago. I need your help so bad. Are you there? Its about my ex . My heart is broken. I need help so badly

    • Kevin March 17, 2015, 3:28 am

      Hey Dayton,

      The comments here are heavily moderated. Please post your question on the message boards.

      • dayton March 17, 2015, 9:02 pm

        I will post on the message boards if I have to I just want to get an answer from you. Do you reply to the posts in the message boards? If not may I post a question here for you? I would love to discuss this with you and ask you. Id greatly appreciate it.

      • dayton March 22, 2015, 3:40 pm

        Kevin I know you said to post on the message boards. I tried to but my phone messed up. I just have a quick question if you could please take the time to reply id value it greatly and I wont trouble you again, I need help from the best. Ao me and my ex have been together for almost 3 years we broke up in jan. She said it was because I didnt treat her like a gf. She agreed to still date me but she wanted to see other guy, because she is 19 she doesnt want to feel trapped. She said she loves me but isnt in love with me anymore. During the months weve gone out. Slept together, been intimate. She says I love you. But when I confront her she says she isnt ready and this guy she was dating made her “lose her feelings for me.” She went to this party and called me today telling me she had fun and ect. I got emotional and asked her if she wanted to get back together. She got a little upset and said its too soon so I told her I needed space and time, starting nc today. Ive said the same thing before but took it back because I couldnt do it. So she replied thag I need to make up my mind and it doesnt matter if I talk to her or not and thag I need to stick with it because I end up crawling back to her. That was her words. Tell me kevin is nc a good idea in my situation? She told me a week ago thag she didnt want to talk to me anymore but she told me a day later thag she doesnt want to let me go and she started to miss me. Can I save my relationship? I have begged and cried in front of her through all of this and I looked pathetic, she knows im not like this im just filled with grief thag ive lost a part of me.. please help me im begging you I need some advice.

        • Kevin March 23, 2015, 7:02 am

          Hey Dayton,

          Yes, no contact is a good idea. But to be honest, she is young and wants to stay single. So you shouldn’t expect a commitment from her anytime soon. I’ll recommend you continue no contact for at least a couple of months and try to move on. I assume you are young as well, and you should explore your options as well since she is clearly not on the same page as you.

          If you still want her after 2 months of no contact, contact her and see where she stands. Take things slowly but you will soon understand if her attitude is the same about commitment. If it is, then you should move on.

        • dayton March 31, 2015, 12:03 am

          Kevin does using the same tactics as her help? The guide doesnt mention it. Would it be wise to show her you dont care ,let her see your with another girl. So it stirs up a reaction? Or would that push her away even more? Can you elaborate? Some sites say to do it but im unsure.

          • Kevin March 31, 2015, 4:58 am

            It can work. But even if it does, then what? You get her jealous, and she then she tries to get you jealous. Before you know it, you are both playing the jealousy game wasting time and mental energy on something so immature.

            And even if you manage to get her back using jealousy or playing games, what then? You think you both will be able to live happily ever after? A couple of months after being back together, she will again have the same issues as before. She is still young and still doesn’t want to feel trapped. And she will leave again.

          • dayton April 8, 2015, 11:53 pm

            Kevin something a lot of other sires say is to either 1. Drop all contact and fall off the face of the earth with no contact or 2. Inform your ex that you no longer wish to talk until youre ready so you can deal with the break up. Which is the best option for getting an ex back? 1. Seems childish and seems it would make your ex angry and push them away. Dont they deserve an adult answer? Or would it be best to do 1? 2 makes sense but wouldnt 2 make them move on quicker? Basically should you tell your ex your doing nc? Or is it best not to tell them? Like after getting back together my ex and I hroke up. She said the same thing. “I love you as a friend and was afraid of losing you.” We fought I said goodbye then she texts me tonight (the same night of the break up) “are you ok?” Two times an hour aparr. How should someone handle this situation? Nc or nc while telling her you want nc? Thanks

          • Kevin April 9, 2015, 10:30 am

            Both work in different scenarios. Sometimes, it depends on individual preference and sometimes it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your ex. If your ex is contacting you constantly, and they contact you even after you start no contact, it’s a good idea to tell them politely. If you are the one who is always initiating contact with your ex, then you can just start no contact without telling them. If they contact you, then it’s your choice if you want to let them know that you need time and space.

            But this part doesn’t really matter that much. What matters most is how you use no contact. The primary objective of no contact is for you to become a better, more confident and happier person. The dynamics with your ex is secondary.

  • e.p. March 16, 2015, 2:15 pm

    So don’t text him? Again I don’t really want to play games but if I text him then that will take away the purpose of him realizing it right? Should I let him look for me so then I can show him I’m not willing to accept anything less than I deserve? Cause if I text him I miss him and let’s say he says it back then how do I tell him he has to work on things? or if he says it back do I just not reply back to him?

    I’m so confused. Maybe I should let more time pass since his relationship with her kind of just ended. Maybe wait a week or 2? I always had in mind that if he came back I was going to make him work for me. Prove everything he would say and show him and tell him I wouldn’t put up with anything. Do you think texting him “I miss you” is a bad idea?

    Maybe texting him takes away from me saying I won’t put up with all the bs. It’s been 4 months since we’ve been broken up. I should wait longer right? Wait and see what he does?

    • Kevin March 17, 2015, 3:27 am

      No, texting him is a bad idea. Not only because he might reject you, but also because it’ll make him realise that no matter what he does, you will always be waiting for him. Let him make the moves. If he decides he wants to. If he doesn’t, you should move on. Even if you want to text him, you should do at after at least 2-3 months of no contact. Even if he texts you right now (or a week from now), you should not engage in any conversation with him that is not about your child. If you don’t want to be rude to him, tell him you need time and space right now. Doing no contact is more important than anything else right now. Like I said before, it’ll be a roller coaster ride, having some set rules and guidelines for yourself will help you get through it.

  • fry March 17, 2015, 3:25 am

    Hi Kevin

    Iam in a very complicated situation. Me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago, but we had contact almost every second day. We still love each other, but she says she dont want to have a realitionship with me at the moment. She is afraid that i will never change. And there is another guy who wants her. So now she has to decide if she wants me back or go to the new guy. We even talked about NC and iam fine wit it, but she cant stand it without me and is still calling me. (Also because she has panik attacks) Is it really okay to do the NC or should i fight like hell to get her back? I just really dont want to loose her to this guy.
    Ps: sry, if my english isnt that well, iam from austria 🙂

    • Kevin March 17, 2015, 3:38 am

      Hey Fry,

      You should do no contact. And make positive changes in your life during no contact. Even if she starts a relationship with that other guy, it’ll be a rebound. And it’ll end. She is not over you yet and will not be over you anytime soon. Tell her you need time and space to deal with the breakup and you can’t stay in touch with her.

      • fry March 21, 2015, 3:38 am

        Hi Kevin,

        Iam starting to think that she isnt good anymore for me. The situation with her is very complicated and iam not even sure if its really over or not. I have the feeling that Iam just waiting for her and and that she can have me back whenever she wants. Isnt it better to really make a point and live with the pain that shes gone rather then waiting for her until she knows what she wants and live with the pain of uncertainty.
        At the moment shes in a Rebound Relationship and there have been reasons why I broke up with her. Iam very afraid that shes not changing so fast. Moreover i really dont need this complicated situation in my life at the moment. Its my heart what wants her back so badly.
        Should I talk to her and make the cruel point and continue NC (maybe even she will realise some stuff about me, when iam gone) or should i just continue NC, trying to get happy without her and focus on my life? I dont know which pain is better 🙁

        Ps: Sry for my bad English

        • Kevin March 22, 2015, 4:54 am

          You should just continue no contact. At least for a month. If after that, you feel the need for talking to her, go ahead. But until then, it’s better if you do strict no contact.

          • fry March 23, 2015, 3:51 pm

            I think i scew up… I broke the NC called her, made drama and was crying. We realised that her calls everyday are destroying me and we said one month NC. I hurt her again. Is there still hope for me?
            Maybe i need this to really focus on myselfe…

  • stoyan March 17, 2015, 7:56 pm

    Hello Kevin ,
    Thank you for the help.I really appreciate it.A few things that i forgot to mention just came up.Right before we break up she was telling me that she is not feeling appreciated.She was doing everything in her power to fix the problems in the relationship.But i was not helping her much.After a fight we had, I told her that it will be a good idea to split for 20 days.She told me that we have never been apart for so long and she is really feeling bad.During these 20 days i send a message to her once and had her on the phone twice.She was first to contact me after 6 days of being split.She was really missing me,but she wouldn’t call because she didn’t want to look needy and i know that for fact ,because she payed me a visit 6 days before the deadline ends.She needed to pick some clothes and she told me that i have called her once and she has called me twice…When i went to her house to learn her decision at the end of the period, she was very confused,despite the fact that she wanted to break up.As you already know, she asked me three times what is the right choice and told me that she is not sure about her decision,that she might decide against it later ,but she doesn’t want me to wait for her.I asked her if she still loves me and she told me that she is not sure .She thinks she does,but she is feeling better without me.Next time we spoke ,she told me that she couldn’t imagine living without me,but she is fine without me and really likes her life now.When she came to pack her stuff she melted down and started hugging me and kissing me.On the very next day i went to her house with a bunch of flowers and as a reward i received a few hugs and a passionate kiss.Two days later i called her to try to convince her not to pick her stuff and to ask her out.She told me that she needs her luggage and that she have plans for Friday,but she is not sure if she can cancel them.Anyway she called on Thursday(that was not expected at all) to tell me that she can not cancel her plans and to check how am i doing. She mentioned that we might go out next week.I started making some positive changes in my life already.Started going out with friends,went to the gym 4 or 5 times..The thought that concerns me most at the moment is that she broke up with me ,just to not get dumped.And i think that she expects me to fight for her,because she did reward me when i bought the flowers and she showed some interest by calling me back to check on me,despite the fact that she didn’t cancel her plans.When i call her she is friendly most of the time.I would really like to call her and ask her out again,but i am not sure if it is a good idea .Should i continue with the nc ,or should i try to text her or ask her out,or maybe wait until she re-initiates the conversation.

    Thank you ,
    Stoyan

    • Kevin March 18, 2015, 10:24 am

      I still think you should do no contact. She is rewarding your behaviour because it reassures her that you will not move on even if she doesn’t want to be with you. Which means she can have her cake and eat it too. You will be waiting for her while she has the freedom to find someone better. If you want to try it your way (not doing no contact), then at least make a move and ask her to get back together (after a week or so). Tell her that you don’t like her dragging you along and not letting you move on, and she should either get back together or you will stop contacting her and try to move on. If she doesn’t get back together still, do strict no contact and follow the plan.

  • e.p. March 17, 2015, 11:43 pm

    Yeah that’s exactly what I was thinking that’s why I’m not going to text him. I’m going to lwt him make the move if he wants. We don’t talk at all unless it’s about our daughter. I’ve basically been doing no contact for a while. I do think we need more time apart though. He needs to heal from everything.

  • Aly March 18, 2015, 12:54 am

    *Kevin sorry phone autocorrected. Hey Kevin I don’t know if you saw my earlier message but my ex and his young rebound broke up two weeks ago and four days later we aborted the baby, what steps should I take to try to get him back now that they broke up? (She dumped him)

    • Kevin March 18, 2015, 10:25 am

      Wait a couple of weeks. And then just get back in touch. If he contacts you during those two weeks, you are free to reply. But don’t initiate contact right now. It’ll look desperate and obvious.

      • Shania April 10, 2015, 1:53 pm

        Hi Kevin I’m havin trouble gettin my ex back but I love him and I know he loves me because he has told me but I keep messaging him an he won’t answer what shall I do to get my ex back

        • Kevin April 11, 2015, 5:46 am

          Follow the plan Shania.

  • Anjali March 18, 2015, 2:42 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I’ve been doing what you suggested mostly and letting him initiate.We talked on the phone this weekend and it was really late at night and were both exhausted. I hadn’t been planning on brining anything about relationship/long distance but I couldn’t help it.

    I asked him if he was still looking for jobs about here/ what he thought about long distance. He said that he loved me and wanted to be in the same place with me and long distance was just too hard. He also said it was difficult to find a job around where I am. I asked him what he thought was the difference between long distance and what we’re doing now and he said a bunch of idk’s eventually telling me this wasn’t as satisfying.

    He also contradicted himself during the conversation and said he loved me and missed and really wished he could see me. I told him he should visited and he said he couldn’t take off from work ( but he is taking off for his sisters graduation) . This upset me because it felt like basically i don’t cross the line of being important enough. I really want this/ us to work out but I’m not sure where all of this is going .We were both falling asleep while we talked and I’m not sure if I need to have this conversation again and just tell him that this in between talking thing is not going to lead anywhere unless he wants to somehow make long distance work. I just don’t know anymore. I thought he really cared and was being genuine.

    Part of me just wants to say that there’s no point in talking anymore. Another part wants to ask him why he doesn’t want to do long distance/ if there’s any way he’s be willing to do it. But i worry it makes me sound desperate. Is it because he’s scared it’ll turn into how it was before? I think that may be the reason but i think we’ve also both matured and would probably deal with things better too. But idk if that’s just my opinion.

    I’m just confused now about what to do/ even how I feel. I’m tired of games. The truth is I still really want to be with him and I can’t just keep pretending what in between talking is totally cool/ and i’m not invested even though I am . I also just don’t know if he’s confused too or he’s basically decided he doesn’t want this enough to figure things out.

    • Kevin March 19, 2015, 11:25 am

      Hey Anjali,

      I think you can talk to him about why he doesn’t want to try without sounding desperate. Just ask for reasons calmly and don’t try to convince him too much. Let him know the reason you are asking is because you are tired and you want to move on and you want to be sure about this before moving on. If he still says no then you can be sure this is not leading anywhere and you can move on.

  • e.p. March 19, 2015, 3:17 am

    I decided I’m not going to text him at all. Even after 2-3 months of no contact. By then he’ll probably be really over me and I’ll just get rejected and feel dumb. I need to move on even if I don’t want to. That’s the last thing I want to do, I don’t want to feel like I gave up on my heart but this love towards him is overwhelming.

    Especially lately all I’ve been thinking about is him. I hate that they told me they broke up because when he was with her and I knew I wouldn’t check his page or think about him as much but now that’s all I do.

    I know she doesn’t live him anymore because his cousins posted videos with him for St. Patrick’s and they were out at a bar and he wouldn’t leave her there by herself nor would he take her since his family doesn’t like her. But I know he was with her this past Saturday cause he was with her dad so only figures. But then next day is when his mom told me about him asking her what was she doing there and to not go over there making a scene and they were arguing. So I’m assuming last time they saw each other was Sunday but I don’t know.

    I keep thinking I have a chance and he’ll realize he made a mistake and come back asking for a chance but that doesn’t seem to be happening or nowhere near close.

    • Kevin March 19, 2015, 11:28 am

      Hey e.p.,

      It’s a good decision. There’s a good chance he will want to come back. But it can take some time. And there’s no point in waiting for it to happen or obsessing over him. Just because his relationship ended doesn’t mean he will want to come back. It will probably take him quite a bit of time to realise what he is missing. It can even take up to a year. He is young and he is enjoying his freedom. Let him. In fact, if he comes back right now, there’s a very good chance he will cheat on you again and leave you. But if he comes back after a long time, when he has had his share of “young fun” and has matured enough, you two will have a better chance of maintaining a healthy functioning relationship for a long time.

  • e.p. March 19, 2015, 7:14 pm

    You and everyone else as outsiders from this relationship has said he’ll be back so I mean it must be true if everyone else sees it but me right now. I guess I just wanted things to happen quickly but I can’t rush this.

    Yeah that’s what I’m going to let him do. Just enjoy his freedom and I’ll enjoy mine. A lot of people did tell me this is a phase. That he’s young and immature so he’s going to choose parties and girls and well all the fun. Maybe this is for the best. IF we were to ever get back maybe this could be the time our relationship becomes stronger than ever and healthy.
    Thank you Kevin.

  • e.p. March 20, 2015, 8:41 pm

    You and everyone else as outsiders from this relationship has said he’ll be back so I mean it must be true if everyone else sees it but me right now. I guess I just wanted things to happen quickly but I can’t rush this.

    Yeah that’s what I’m going to let him do. Just enjoy his freedom and I’ll enjoy mine. A lot of people did tell me this is a phase. That he’s young and immature so he’s going to choose parties and girls and well all the fun. Maybe this is for the best. IF we were to ever get back maybe this could be the time our relationship becomes stronger than ever and healthy.
    Thank you Kevin.

    Also I saw him last night. We were cool but now I’m starting to feel like he’s avoiding to be with me alone. Last night we took our daughter to the hospital and he dropped us off and said he was going to be back but then he just ended up trading places with his mom.

    I don’t know I just feel he doesn’t want to be anywhere it involves it being just me and him. Like in a car he’s ok but when it comes to being somewhere and waiting with me he tries to avoid it. Always comes us with an excuse.

    Before they broke up he wouldn’t really mind like he’d be around me but just walk around or sit with me, like he could actually stand next to me but now that they broke up he doesn’t try to be around me for long. I wonder why?

    • Kevin March 22, 2015, 4:51 am

      Whatever his reasons are, it shouldn’t matter. You should stop trying to figure out everything that goes on in his mind.

  • Juice March 21, 2015, 11:57 pm

    Thanks Kevin words of gold. Needed advice this is perfect.

  • e.p. March 23, 2015, 5:32 am

    All that keeps replaying in my head is him telling me “me and you will never get back together” and “I dont love you anymore” then 5 months later we got back(that was the first break up).

    This time he said similar things “I don’t love you anymore” “I don’t think I’ll ever love you again” (cause I had asked him if he could ever love me again and he said I don’t think so). We’re 4 months into this break up and now more than ever I’m going crazy. Maybe cause I still have hope since the first time it was 5 months of being broken up. I guess I just feel I’m running out of time since in like 3 weeks it’ll be 5 months.

    Still doing no contact. Only contact we have is about our daughter.

    • Kevin March 23, 2015, 7:05 am

      Hey e.p.,

      Well last time you got back together, but then you broke up again. And he cheated on you again. Do you want the same story to repeat itself? Your decisions shape your life. You will probably be given a choice in the future where you have to decide if you want to repeat the same pattern with him or change it. Choose wisely.

  • e.p. March 23, 2015, 12:40 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    Well the first time we were together for 10 months and he didn’t cheat on me or I never caught him but he was always with me so I doubt he did.

    I was with him today again and everything felt so comfortable like and we were getting along perfect. He was telling me everything about what’s been going on with him and some future plans and we were joking around. Everything was just so familiar. I miss that feeling. I don’t want to repeat the same story but I do feel one day we can work out.

  • e.p. March 25, 2015, 4:25 am

    I texted him. I was listening to music having a drink and I ended up texting him. Ugh! I messed up!

    • e.p. March 25, 2015, 4:37 am

      I sent this…

      You know what. F*** it. I miss you & I’m still in love with you. I’m not going to be playing games here. You know my feelings towards you. I might not ever get over you. Now this doesn’t mean I expect anything from you. This doesn’t mean I’m waiting for you. This doesn’t mean I need you, just want, cause need, I pretty much gave up on needing anyone, only our daughter. I know what it is I just wanted to remind you. But I know deep down you still feel it too. We just have that natural chemistry. Don’t worry don’t feel obligated to reply or anything. Like I said I don’t expect anything from you.

  • Christina March 26, 2015, 9:55 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I posted on here twice this past week and I don’t see either comment. Was there a reason it wasn’t approved?

    • Kevin March 28, 2015, 4:43 am

      Christina, the comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post on the message boards

  • e.p. March 28, 2015, 3:53 am

    Hello Kevin,
    So I’m going a bit crazy. I made a mistake out of impulse but at the same time I feel at peace because I’m not hiding my feelings. I didn’t text him anymore. After that one message I just left it as that and no he didn’t reply, which either way I didn’t expect him to. I rather him not reply than to tell me he doesn’t feel anything for me. I know just cause he didn’t reply it doesn’t mean he’s like in love with me. I feel like I probably put myself back in his thoughts. Maybe. I don’t know. Hope you saw what I texted him. Help.

    • Kevin March 28, 2015, 4:47 am

      Hey e.p.,

      It’s OK that you texted him. In my opinion, it would have been better if you didn’t. But I guess in the long run it won’t matter that much since you just mentioned your feelings and didn’t beg or plead for him to get back together. Like I said before, you need a long period of no contact if you want to have healthy relationship (with him or someone else). So, I’ll recommend you stay no contact from now and stop focusing on him and his feelings.

  • e.p. March 28, 2015, 4:28 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    Yeah I didn’t beg him just told him how I felt. I know I need stop focusing on that. I haven’t contacted him since then. I’m okay though. Knowing he knows makes me feel at peace.

  • Anjali March 29, 2015, 10:16 am

    Hey Kevin,

    So I never ended up giving him the ultimatum because I didn’t feel strong enough to do it. Lately, he hasn’t even texted me much. No I love you’s, no anything really. No asking me to talk on the phone or anything like he was last month. Once he texted me found of my hair clips and this week he texted me and asked ” how’s your week going?” I just don’t know anymore. I feel like maybe he’s just moving on and I feel stuck. I’m not sure why he texted me and asked me about my week. I gave a normal friend like response back and politely asked about his.

    Maybe he just misses me as a friend. I went on a date last night with someone because I’ve been trying dating recently and I just ended up missing my ex. I almost wanted to text him that I love him/miss him but resisted the urge because I remembered out last conversation and just his unwillingness for long distance/ to visit/ move around here.

    I mean we’re almost basically doing no contact now. I haven’t really been initiating and he hasn’t really either besides that one text. I almost want to go back to talking more. Things has been feeling good just talking more frequently even if we weren’t together. It felt like they’d been moving in a positive direction and we could get back together in the future. Would it be a bad idea to start initiating a lot of conversation/expressing feelings?

    Anjali

    • Kevin March 30, 2015, 11:53 am

      Hey Anjali,

      The problem with keeping constant contact is that it doesn’t guarantee you anything. And if it doesn’t work, you will anyways have to go through the pain of getting over him and moving on. If he has shown unwillingness to move forward even after significant no contact and staying in touch for a while after that, I will not recommend you wait for him anymore. Getting over him will be hard and painful, but he has left you no option in my opinion.

      An ultimatum kind of helps you make the final decision. If he rejects you still, you can be at peace that you have tried everything in your power and there is no point wasting more time. On the other hand, a part of you will always want to hold on to the hope, which is why it’s hard to give an ultimatum.

      Even if you decide to go against my advice, and start contacting him again, you should at least give yourself a time limit. A month or two. After which, you give him an ultimatum.

  • Jamie March 31, 2015, 4:19 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I posted some days ago and dont know if my comment got approved. I am really stressed and going through a bad time for 8 months now. Please help :-/

    • Kevin April 1, 2015, 7:29 am

      Hey Jamie,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post on the message boards.

  • e.p. April 2, 2015, 2:15 am

    Hello Kevin,
    So we hung out today cause he came to visit our daughter. Anyways he came and we then went to go get something to eat cause our daughter wanted something anyways I then heard him call me babe by accident. It just slipped out BUT he just played it off say baby to our daughter. Like if he was talking to her. I didn’t say anything and I acted like I didn’t hear anything.

    He then also said he’s coming over again tomorrow. Could it be it’s finally hitting him and he’s getting over the bad image of our relationship? Could it be cause of the text message I sent? This is the first time we see each other after the text. Or is it just me making up a fantasy in my head?

    • Kevin April 2, 2015, 4:24 am

      Hey e.p.,

      You are forgetting that he is the one who cheated on you and even if he wants you back, you shouldn’t take him back unless you are sure you will not fall into the same pattern again. What does all that mean? I can’t be sure. Maybe he is thinking about you and getting back together. I can’t be sure. Neither can you. All you can do is make sure you don’t act needy and don’t go back to the same old relationship which left you miserable.

  • fry April 4, 2015, 5:02 am

    hi Kevin
    So her grandfather died 3 days ago and she was really close to him. We broke up 2 month ago but we had a lot of contact (almost every day, she was even thinking to came back to me). What should i do now? Whats going on in her mind now?

    Thanks

  • Esther April 5, 2015, 12:23 pm

    What happens if your ex refuses to answer during/after NC? I have done NC with other people but never had this happen before. I have heard that means you need more time off (ex. instead of 30 go to 60) but they do eventually come around. Everyone misses each other.

    It’s the worst because there’s nothing you can do except wait it out. Is this true? Any other suggestions?

    • Kevin April 6, 2015, 9:31 am

      Yes, pretty much the only thing you can do which won’t make you look needy and desperate is wait it out. In most cases, your ex will start answering you after some time. But if they don’t answer you even after a longer no contact, then you should definitely try to move on. There is no point in waiting for someone who is not interested in you for the rest of your life.

  • xoxolove April 6, 2015, 3:31 pm

    I have posted this in the boards but my post has this “awaiting for moderation”.

    How do I know of my ex is playing mind games with me? Do you have an article pertaining to that?

    • Kevin April 9, 2015, 10:08 am

      Hey,

      Your post was deleted because you posted on someone else’s topic. You need to create a new topic. I don’t have any article on this topic. But perhaps reading this article and this article will give you some ideas. But in most cases, no contact should be enough for them to stop playing mind games. A lot of times, they just keep messaging you just to keep you as a backup. If you do no contact, you will take away that power from him and he will stop playing the mind games. Even if you are not sure that he is playing mind games, no contact will still be beneficial.

  • NJ April 7, 2015, 12:23 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I wish I discovered this sooner as Ive been making the deadly mistakes for a month now. I saw my ex yesterday and it was nice till I said something (but not on purpose) that really pissed him off and now he hates me more than ever. He said he doesn’t want to see me or talk to me or be with me ever again. Do you think he was just angry and it will pass or is it completely doomed. I’m so upset that it could have gotten even worse than it was! I know if I’d done no contact a while back we might be together but now he really hates me and he finds it hard to let anything go and he thinks our relationship wasn’t great anyway even though some was his fault but he can’t see that. But I know he still cares for me a bit…
    Thanks

    • Kevin April 9, 2015, 10:10 am

      If he hates you and is getting angry, it means that he still has strong feelings for you. It’s a good sign. And it means that you still have a good chance. Follow the plan and do no contact.

  • e.p. April 8, 2015, 5:02 am

    Hello Kevin
    well I forgot to update you. He did come over the next day like he said he would and we were ok, talking a bit not much cause my neighbor came over with her son and her boyfriend was talking to my ex. Anyways he then got a call from his uncle. By the way before I get into that. He use to never leave his phone around me well like towards the last couple weeks before we broke up and if he did he had it locked.

    Ok back to the call. So he missed it cause he was outside with my friend’s bf. I then went to take him his phone and he asked who had called him and told him his uncle and I also noticed he didn’t have a lock on his phone (not much to it, I know) but he’s left his phone around a couple times the day before and that day too and he wasn’t even worried about it.

    I didn’t go through it even though I had chances cause to be honest I wasn’t interested nor did I want to see anything that could put me down. Maybe he’s trusting me to leave his phone around. Anyways he ended up saying he was gonna take our daughter to his house so I said ok and then he left.

    Later on that night I went to the movies with my friends and he watched our daughter. He kept texting me to see if the movies was over and what time was I gonna get home cause it was late already I told him if he wanted I could’ve picked her up or he could keep her over night but he said no that he could drop her off.

    Anyways it was like 11 and the movie was soon gonna end. He texted me again asking if it was over and I said no but that I thought it was gonna end soon. I felt like maybe he didn’t believe me and thought I was making up excuses so he could keep our daughter longer so I sent him a picture of the screen and said “so you can see I’m not lying or like lagging it” he replied saying I believe you before the picture even send since the message was sent first.

    Anyways for him to believe anything I say and trust me to not go into his phone he must be healing over the bad break up and bad image of me acringe needy. I know I can’t over think what he’s thinking since they’re not clear. I just feel like the longer we’re apart the more I want him.

    His aunt also told me the other day that she knew he was gonna come back to me and that he was just using the excuse of seeing our daughter to really be around me which I did find odd since he stopped doing that like 3 months ago he normally would just come pick her up for a weekend and then drop her off but to actually hang out with both of us.

    I felt that vibe when he was around me that he wanted to like tell me something but didn’t know how and he would like stare at me and then look away. I felt that love, he can’t deny it, even though he wants to and I don’t know why. The chemistry is there and anyone can see it and feel it.

    But I won’t make another move. I made my move by texting him that one time. He could’ve replied or something but chose not to so now it’s all in his hands cause I’m not going to beg him. I am still trying to move on though just in case. Have to expect the worst so I won’t be disappointed.

    Anyways what’s your opinion on this? 🙂

    • e.p. April 8, 2015, 9:06 pm

      *acting not acringe

    • Kevin April 9, 2015, 10:25 am

      Yes, you should not make any move for now. However, the questions you should be asking are, do you trust him? Do you think you will be able to trust him if you get back together? Do you think it’ll be a healthy relationship or it will fall back to the same pattern after a year or two? It seems you are just concentrating on whether or not you will get back together; while you should be concentrating on whether or not you two can have a healthy long lasting relationship.

      • dayton April 10, 2015, 6:47 pm

        Ive been doing no contact for almost 3 days it feels good. My ex has been texting and calling me. I have no responded. At first it was “are you ok” then it was “when are you going to the gym? I need to know so you dont have to see me” then it was “I want to drop some stuff off at your house it that ok?” And she was the one who told me that she didnt want to give me my stuff back. Is she just trying to get me to respond? What shouls I do? Should I continue to not reply? Is she trying to get some kind of recognition on my part? If she keeps texting and calling should I wait a day or two and if it continues should I tell her I need space and time. (This was assumed during our laat face to face conversation so idk what shes doing.)

        • Kevin April 11, 2015, 5:49 am

          Hey Dayton,

          Yes, if she continues texting you for 2-3 days, tell her you need space and time. BTW, it only feels good because she is texting you constantly. Don’t expect to feel like this through out no contact. It’s going to be a roller coaster. Especially when she stops texting you. So be prepared for that mentally.

  • e.p. April 10, 2015, 3:33 am

    I feel I could trust him in the future but he’d have to prove himself to me. I think we could have a healthy lasting relationship but when he matures. Now that I think of it more maybe right now is not our time. Right now we probably wouldn’t have a full healthy relationship. We’d probably fall back into a pattern. He needs to mature and know when to commit and stay faithful.

    He’s clearly still playing games. He knows how I feel towards him so he most likely wants to keep me there but he also wants to keep her. Apparently they’re still together even when we were hanging out and he called me babe.

    I know he still loves me I feel it. I mean come on I know him but he’s trying to hold back and I don’t know why. Even his aunt told me. But you’re right, right now probably wouldn’t be the best time for us to get back.

    Like you said he needs to have fun and do everything he feels he needs to do before we can get back. He needs his freedom like I do too. I don’t consider myself to be a terrible person even if I was needy. I’d like to think of myself as a loyal girlfriend who was always there for him so I know he’s going to miss that and realize one day he messed up.

    He needs to make his mistakes on his own so he won’t make them if were to get back together.

  • Desa richards April 10, 2015, 12:39 pm

    Thank you

  • Andrew April 10, 2015, 2:35 pm

    Hey, I have a question regarding the letter. If a girl i hurt lives somewhere abroad and i cant give her the letter personally. Can i make a video apology on skype or something telling her everything like in the letter.

    Regards,

    • Kevin April 11, 2015, 5:47 am

      I think making a video will probably make it look like you are putting too much effort into it. Sending an email will be a better option.

  • Anjali April 15, 2015, 7:15 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    Hope all’s well. Haven’t posted here in a while and thought I’d fill you in. I followed your advice and waited to see how I felt before I acted. He said he loved me again to which I didn’t respond and initiated a conversation to see where this was going. I asked him if he has intentions of getting back together and he said he didn’t know. I said what I want to do is work towards getting back together in which case it’s be ok to say I love you and stuff but it’s been confusing me otherwise. He said he understood and he’d stop saying it. He said he needed some time to think about my proposal because he is really hesitant about long distance and feels like it won’t work. In the meantime we’ve been talking as friends and texting/talking more frequently than we ever have since the break up. It’s nice that he’s not saying he loves me anymore because it reduces confusion

    But I’m kind of worried that if he stops saying it and we keep talking as friends like this he’ll just move on and switch to seeing me as a friend. Was it a bad move to say that we shouldn’t say it unless we’re really trying to get back together?

    I’ve been trying not to bring up relationship talk because that seems to ruin things every time they get better. Conversations have definitely been more fun and enjoyable I think he’s more likely to want to try long distance again if he’s more convinced it won’t fail.

    I’ve been enjoying talking to him but I feel a little nervous that I told him to stop saying he loves me unless he wants to get back together. I’m not sure if it was a good move or not.

    Anjali

    • Kevin April 16, 2015, 2:03 am

      I think it was a good move. You are setting boundaries which shows that you respect yourself. And I don’t think it’s going to have any effect on him moving on. If anything, it’ll make you more attractive since you are taking control of the situation and doing what you think is right for yourself.

  • Daniel April 16, 2015, 2:33 am

    My boyfriend told me that he needed a break and time. I am going to follow your steps and hope for the best. Great article btw

  • Micah April 16, 2015, 6:14 am

    Thank you, Kevin.
    Of all the websites I read while coping with my first breakup, this was the most helpful for me. I read it several times over the past few months. Again, thank you. –Micah

  • e.p. April 18, 2015, 5:32 pm

    I have a question.
    Does still being angry with one another mean there’s still strong feelings?
    I’m just asking cause I don’t feel there’s not any much anger left between me and my ex so could that mean the feelings aren’t there anymore? I mean I know my feelings are but like his?
    We get along perfectly when we’re around each other.

    • Kevin April 20, 2015, 3:41 am

      Being angry with each other means there are still strong feelings. But the opposite is not necessarily true. As is apparent from your feelings. Besides, every person is different.

  • Australia April 20, 2015, 6:53 am

    Hi again Kevin,

    My ex and I have been chatting a lot recently. We broke up last August. She has told me that she misses me. She is with someone else. When she was unable to reach me for a few days she got really worried and upset because she thought she had done something to upset me.

    I have been wondering if I should tell her that I am crushing on her again. For a long time I didn’t care if I got her back, but now I do. Now it sucks that she is dating someone else. She has admitted to me that she is unsure about her current relationship etc, all the information here says to wait on her, but I will like I need to tell her. Let her know how I am feeling. If she doesn’t feel the same, then that’s it. If she does feel the same, then that’s amazing.

    • Kevin April 25, 2015, 7:52 am

      I will recommend you wait for her relationship to fall apart before making a move. But if you want to go for it, then go for it. I think enough time has passed and from what you said, I think you will probably get a positive response.

      • Australia April 26, 2015, 2:06 am

        Thanks for t