Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.

It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups).

Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

  1. If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
  2. If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.
You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

doormat in relationships

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?
smothering your ex
The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

 

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why do no contact?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 days

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

  • What if my ex moves on during no contact?
  • What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact?
  • What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But at some point, you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

  1. I love him/her.
  2. I can’t live without him/her.
  3. I am miserable without my ex.
  4. He/She was the only one for me.
  5. I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup. It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter before calling them.

The Letter

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

This letter has three purposes.

Purpose 1: To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.

(You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)

Purpose 2: To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.

(You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)

Purpose 3: To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.

(You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find it in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”

“Hey, How are you?”

“I miss you”

“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“I want you back in my life”

“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”

“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”

“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “

“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“

“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like ”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques aka EBP Basics

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series. I call this email series EBP Basics.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

How To Gain Access?

Just go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get EBP Basics for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)

 

 

How to Get Your Ex Back (Shorter Version)

  1. To get your ex back, you must not make any of the deadly mistakes that make you look needy or desperate.
  2. Start no contact. Stop all communications with your ex unless it’s absolutely necessary and unavoidable.
  3. Become You Version 2.0. Take a step back and reassess everything. Work on becoming happier and more confident.
  4. Once no contact is over, get back in touch with your ex. If you do it correctly, he/she will be blown away seeing the new and improved version of yourself.
  5. Take things slowly and rebuild attraction, connection and trust with your ex. Keep doing it until your ex decides they want to get back together. Before you begin no contact take this short quiz to find out your chances of getting back together.

What if you still had a chance?

Want to find out your chances of getting your ex back in 2 minutes?

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8573 comments ...add one

  • Brittany
    Hey guys, I was hoping you could give me some advice. My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. Our relationship lasted 15 months, and we never had an argument, like ever. Three weeks before breaking up with me he said he could see us being together for years, but when we broke up he said he just didn't love me anymore. The first month after the break up was pretty bad. One of the worst things was finding out he picked up a sex buddy two weeks after the break up. But after all that we decided to be friends. And were for the next two months. Then we left college for the summer and both went home (100s of miles away from each other) and that's when I found this site. I decided to start NC because I wanted him to want me as more than a friend again. At first he still texted me occasionally, and checked me tumblr page occasionally (I have a stealth counter). The last time he texted me he made comment about how I seemed much more positive and he was glad to see it, but that was more than a week ago and he hasn't texted me since, and hasn't checked my tumblr in two weeks. I feel like NC has only made him less interested in me. What do you guys think? Am I permanently friend zoned? :(
    Reply
    • Edward
      Hi Brittany, I would continue with NC until you find happiness without him. He may still be thinking about you or may not. But by checking if he has checked your tumblr is just as obsessive as he is. The purpose of NC is to be happy for yourself and when you gain this confidence from within, you won't have to worry about him contacting you because you will be happy even without him, you can see your reasons clearly and if he is really the one you want to be with.
      Reply
    • Brittany
      Thanks Edward. I am better off than that sounded though. I don't check it daily. And I honestly have been doing much better. I have also found someone else, who I do actually like, not as a rebound. The thing with that is basically no one I know approved because is 7 years older, and they may be right, I might not be prepared for that. So now I feel I have a decision to make, this new guy or continue on with the 5 step plan. In the long run my ex and I probably would have a better chance staying of together. But right now I'm not sure we even have a chance of getting back together. And I guess that's why I'm asking.
      Reply
    • Edward
      Well this guide recommends you to go on dates, if you are not sure your ex and you will be together, I don't see why not. Going on the date with a new guy will let you gain confidence and see if he is the right man for you, it will also allow you to see if you really want your ex back or not, good luck! Remember, happiness comes from within, do what you think feels right.
      Reply
  • dew
    Dear everyone, Please help.. its been just 15 days since i started NC. After the breakup i went behind my guy begging him to cm bk. He just played with my feelings And stated another relationship through a dating website. But she's a foreigner. Still i thought i want him bk nd proceeded d nc. Day before yesterday my ex talked to me nd told how his life is misserable without me nd finally asked me out.. thats what i was waiting for i prayed god to bring him back.. i just gotta say yes and get into the relationship.. but now i feel like i dnt wnt him.. i hv no feelings for him.. i don't want a relationship with him.. why am i like this? :O
    Reply
  • david
    Hi all, Just a quick question/update... so after talking with my ex normal today.. she kind of over reacted and bit my head off coz I avoided 1 question in her email. I won't go into too much details as it'd be too long. But she did over react and say that I create this "weirdness" when I avoid the questions otherwise she feels Normal talking to me. She apologized when I explained why and when I said I'd like her to come out tomorrow with our friends she said Shr wants to and apologized Anyways guess I'm feeling down as it's getting close her going away for a week at a festival and the little argument But when do you know when to move on? Anyone else had experience? And what about doing stuff that could! Jeopardize getting back together? like talking to other women etc or meeting... tbh I'm avoiding doing that, incase she wants to and asks to check my phone.. or She wants to get back together but then won't coz I've been around another girl?.....not that I'm going to do anything.. it's just boredom and company as in friend. What would you do a.z if you were the girl in question and it was me and you? P.s she also had a dream about me last night..but wasn't a good one, apparently I was " going down" on another girl infront of her lol
    Reply
    • a.z
      david, i can say that she absolutely has feelings for you.i have been there before,when she over reacts on something about you this means she expects you to care more and be responsible about her.she hasn't asked to get back because she knows that you are still there and she knows shat you feel for her.i know you met her ac ouple of times before after you broke up,but she could sense that you still want her back.but don't worry about it from now on when you meet her be the way that you are with all of your other female friends.don't worry about the festival just wish her a nice time.she is not gonna move on over a week.and about your questions,no,you won't lose her if you talk to other girls.the most important thing is to put yourself before her. in fact using jealousy in a right way will make a backfire. i think if i was in her shoes i would be like what the heck????? what about his feelings for me? does he like that girl? is he gonna go out with her? what about if he falls for her? she doen't have to be sure if there is something between you but a little jelousy will help,i'm sure about it. one of the things that ryan teaches in the relationship rewind is to create scarcity and its in the second meeting which means that she get into a conclusion that she might be losing you forever,and your presence will be over cuz maybe you are attracted to someone else. you need to act like friends this time,try to have a nice time,make small conversations with her and again with all of your friends,avoid too much eye contacts,just be as cool as you can be.on the next meeting create scarcity and the third meeting should be a perfect date.your not gonna lose her if you talk to others,let me give you an example 3 years a go i personally broke up with a guy,he was begging me to get back although he did nothing wrong.and i told him i would never get back,he kept begging and crying for 3 weeks and i was just like NO.then he disappeared and about a week later i found that he is seeing another girl,i was like what the ...?? :O .and i contacted him ,asked him to come over my place.i apologized for whatever i did to him,told her i loved him and we got back together.so don't worry about anything even though she tells you she would never talk to you if you talk to another girl she will talk to you.just concentrate on your plan and be don't worry about anything.
      Reply
    • Dara
      David! You can learn a lot of things from her!! She is the devil (just kidding A.Z, I love your frankness and honesty in teaching stuff, thanks)!! I bet your girlfriend loves you and is just playing with you! Don't get jealous of her going for a festival! Think of it in positive manner!! She will miss you there!! She might think like, "I wish we were together her!!" Just like A.Z., I also had relationships before and have some clue about these mind games both girls and boys play!! I want to give you an example my situation which might resemble somewhat your: Yesterday, a friend told me that she saw my girlfriend and he added that oh man your girlfriend a amazing by her looks! Day before yesterday a guy that I hardly know asked me about my girlfriend! Both of the above thing made me freak out the moment I heard about it, but when I analyzed the situation, it was nothing bad! First, she had a breakup and her feelings are hurt. She is doing a lot of make up in these days and wearing her best clothes. This means that at this moment, there is no guy in her life! Maybe she wants to prove something! Secondly, maybe this strange guy, who is also really good looking want to date my ex but I know my ex girlfriend's criteria! This guy, easily out!! David, you did it great till now! Just follow what A.Z. said above!! About dating others, it will keep her in a situation that she will regretting the breakup and maybe run back (with speed of sound) to you!!! This is human psychology!! LOL
      Reply
    • a.z
      dara, hahaha no i'm not the devil,you see i'm still stuck in my old relationship and still couldn't get him back after almost 4 months.he says he loves me and that he misses me and he really over reacts on his emotions over me but he never asked me to get back.the other day while we were on a casual conversation.he asked if i had sex with someone ( this was his second time ),i said we shouldn't be talking about this,then he insisted and i said no but it's happening sooner or later.he said if he ever understands that i did this,he is never gonna talk to me again.and i was like meh whatever,i didn't but both of us will do it.he said he didn't have sex with anyone and he didn't meet a new girl since we broke up.he said he likes to be my boy friend but again didn't ask me to get back.crazy right? :))).i have been acting cool all the time.and i never acted needy.after we broke up i immediately went on NC for 33 days,then he contacted me, he was chasing me for a month,he was talking about his emotions for me,we met,he talked about his future and i was in it.then i went to another country, something happened,he got too mad at me and blocked me on FB .kevin told me to go on NC until he contacts me.after 10 days he unblocked me and send my friend a msg to greet my birthday.after 10 more days he contacted me saying he feels bad without me and added me on FB. and here i am at the first place :) .i don't want to act like i'm frustrated but these 2 days i have been thinking of moving on.i still love him but i'm kinda too tired to try to get back with him.
      Reply
    • Dara
      A.Z., You know, I have a strong memory! Now, I remember your story!! What you did made your relation in some kind of jeopardy but to me it is not something that cannot be forgiven!! I think he is over-reacting!! Well, I invited my girlfriend's friend to her B'day party to surprise her! I wanted to invited her close colleague friends to her B'day party! I asked my girlfriend who is her best colleague friend. She said Sherryl is her best friend and Sherryl is an ugly lesbian. I had met her before. I somehow found Sherryl's number and asked her if there is any close friend please invite her. She was really strange. She never replied my calls and only texted me back! Plus, sometime at night she would text me saying what's up? I would say good, how is B'day plan and I would get no response back!! Anyway, she did not come to B'day and as far as I know sent an email to everyone that I want to celebrate B'day for her colleague friend. I didn't want this. Whatsoever! Bday was over!! 3 weeks later my gf meets this Sherryl while we were together!! They had some talks together while I climbed went for hiking!! When I came back, she was cold to me!! As cold as ice! I expected a romantic evening, but my girlfriend said they both want to hangout! I was hurt! I applied limited contact and she would reply me well but would not date me!! This was hurting!! Finally, she sent me an email that she want breakup!! I got mad and criticized her for being rude to me and mentioned whatever hurt me all those days!! I added that "I am teaching these point so that you learn to be good with you next boyfriend!!" She also went made and told me that she didn't like that I texted Sherryl at 1 a.m. I trully felt so bad!! Some mother fucker that I had invited for a B'day party and had cooked for had made such big lies about me!! I am still pissed off at that bitch!! Can't call her a bitch because bitches are more beautiful than her!! I am amazed that my girlfriend never asked me about the validity of this story!! This one also hurts me!! Unfortunately, there are a lot of such personalities!! The fact that to her their idea about me is more important than what I really am hurts me!!
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey A.Z., sorry my friend!! I believe now you are in good shape and I hope things go well for you! Last night, I also did not have positive feelings about the whole thing!! Hopefully everything will be great again for we all!
      Reply
    • David
      I did read this at the time but couldn't comment...I have to comment on this one as the others dont have "Reply" I got a few questions though because I couldnt find your story, Who broke up with who? Has he been dating or do you think hes been dating? How long were you together? From me reading as a guy, I think you are in a fabulous pozition a.z....He definitely still likes you and think you could get him back at any time. The fact that he has told you all of that stuff, but hasnt mentioned getting back together, Its kind of a guy thing and egotistical...Not him personally...but its in all of us men ha and yeah like dara said hiding his feelings. I definitely think you 2 can get together...its just whos going to be the one to mention it :) He wants to get back together IMO but doesnt want to ask because he doesnt want to cave in basically (thats why id like to know who broke who etc) Thats also why I think he is asking you so much about the dates and sex, because hes checking if hes going to lose you and testing your reactions to see if your feelings are still there..he doesnt want to ask you because you might say No....because youve been acting Cool and did NC etc so its got him wondering... I would think next time if he asks if youve been on a date etc, you can do 1 of 2 things a) Tell him youve been on one - it might kick his ass in gear to actually make the jump to ask you but could backfire b) Tell him youve been asked to go on a date, but you are undecided on whether to go I think b) is the winner personally...It lets him KNOW that you have other options, you said youve been on dates, but he doesnt know that....this will defintiely let him know that you CAN go on a date...but at same time by letting him know that you are undeicded, your not completely pushing him away..and it might give him the little nudge that I think he needs t actually mention getting back together Thats my thoughts anyways :) but you are defintiely in a very good position! Hope it helps x
      Reply
    • David
      Thanks a.z and Dara :) Much appreciated, Yesterday is over now and I got saved by my friend who asked if I wanted to go to Pub so that took ym mind off it all ha, then come back to find these messages and its much easier :) I do realise she still has feelings because "friends" dont argue or over-react the way she did....Plus after the conversation ended yesterday which was about 5pm.. she emailed me last....btu was driving so i rang but no answer and that was end of conversation....no contact then at the end of the night (10:30pm) she sends me a "Night night x" txt which she has been doing consistently for the past week now, which i have only ever iniated once. Today is Saturday and I do feel very confident, Like I said Social events etc and meeting face to face is my strong point. Maybe she could tell I still had feelings for her the last 2 times I met her...because it was only me and her and it was so soon....but tonight is going to be in a pub with few of my friends etc. So itll be a piece of cake for me :) If she doesnt come...she doesnt come..im not bothered and think ive done really well to portray and tell her that its completely upto her if she comes or not. Thanks a lot so much :) going to gym in a few minutes tog et pumped for tonight ;) and hearing both of your stories is a big help too. I understand a lot of men easily! I can read them like a book....but women.....thats like rocket science to me! x
      Reply
    • a.z
      dara and david, i think kevin's and ryan's system probably are gonna work for us.david i'm so glad you are so confident today and i love your attitude.i'm sure you will have a good night tonight.keep us posted.and dara don't care about her friend.what she can do against you, is not gonna last that long.again,most of my ex's friends were against me but after the NC my ex said he doesn't care about them at all.just never say anything bad about sherly in front of your ex.be cool.if you open the conversation lines again,don't bring up anything about the breakup reasons and negative past memories.we are all gonna be fine :) gooood luck
      Reply
    • Dara
      A.Z., Thank you so much!! You are really a great source of inspiration!! My utmost appreciations!! Probably my ex knew that I will be there! She should have seen the head-count list! At first, I was worried that my participation can be interpreted as clinginess and an approach towards her (after all it was a program organized by their office). However, since there are chances that her boss tell her that we had a lot of fun, it can be something positive for me! Probably on Monday or Tuesday! There will be a similar but shorter and indoor gathering on coming Friday and Saturday. Will probably see her there! Alas, outdoor ones are much more effective! I have also been thinking about your case A.Z. He probably loves you! To many guys sexual life of their loved ones is important! Probably he has some clue or guess that you might be dating. He also knows that every date does not mean sex but the idea makes him a bit uncomfortable. By the way, are you back to him or do you stay in the new town that you were supposed to be temporarily? There are chances that he will ask for comeback when you are physically back to the same town! Thanks again!!
      Reply
    • RAED
      A. Z., Hey! My girl broke up with me because she no longer sees a future with me and is no longer in love. We were on and off but somehow I am trying to seek for other girls. She found it out and was so mad. She keeps interrogating me but she is consistent she doesn't love me anymore. I guess, she felt cheated. Amd I think her finding ouy about the other girl made jer so furious and pushed her away. Why is that so? Does that mean that she is really no longer in love?
      Reply
    • Dara
      A.Z, I am truly a positive thinker! Yesterday, I was listing to the songs that we were listening together for the first time after the breakup. They effected my emotions for a while! I started my today with my own fun musics! Confident again, since there are chances that I see her today, I was thinking about the girls that I have been flirting with recently to push my ex away from the center of my brain! If things don't go smoothly for me, I will work on a plan B!! Life is more beautiful than wasting on regrets!! OMG!! I wished I could copy paste this instrumental display for you guys to listen! LOL :P
      Reply
    • Dara
      Thank you A.Z. and David!! TTYL LOL
      Reply
    • a.z
      great dara :),your right.life is absolutely beautiful.since we broke up,i went on as many as dates as i could,i did everything to regain my confidence and i'm feeling really great.although he never found that i'm dating others,but he knows that guys like me and he said that he is having a hard time when he thinks about it. you can say the song's name so we can search it on youtube .i'm listening to passenger-let her go :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      A.Z.!!! I was to scream as loud as thunder : WTF!!!! This morning, I was really high in spirit!! I wore my best dress to join and thought to myself if she does not have any grudge on me, she will have no resistance then!! I went to her office because they were the organizers of this trip to horse field in our campus. (Side note: I am a PhD student and she is masters student and she works in that office as a student employee). She was not there and I saw her boss. (Side note: I had invited her to my ex's B'day too). She said my girlfriend was supposed to be here but she has sent her to a meeting instead of her!! I was laughing about 15 minutes because I had wore my best dress with the knowledge that my ex girlfriend loved formal dress, had a really nice haircut 3 days ago, had my best cologne on and she was sent to a meeting!! No! No! No!!! I still want to shout "WHY??!!" Instead a wrong girl was attracted to me (LOL) and she was clinging to me, doing me favors all the time!! But I want my girl not others!! It was such a lovely, friendly atmosphere!!
      Reply
    • Dara
      A.Z., I love Paul Mauriat's music! He was basically a great composer! Elise, Gipsy River, Jeux Interdits, El Bimbo, Last Summer Day, Love Story, Le Temps Des Fleurs, and Asturias (Albeniz) are the musics that inspire me!! Especially Albeniz is my love!! There is no singing in these songs!! I love Passenger let her go but it reminds me my ex girlfriend!! I used to sing it for her in her car when we drove to different places!! Only know... Oh, all these lines remind me of her!! Especially when troubles have appeared in our relation and I was low!! I truly need the light!! I needed the sun when it was -20C this winter!! This song made a lot of sense on those days!!
      Reply
    • a.z
      OMG dara,i know how you feel but it's ok.it's great that you feel too cool to see her and you went there.her boss has definitely told her that you were there.wait untill your NC is over then drop her one of the texts.or if you have a really good excuse to go there,go there again.and be charming like you were today.and have a really short possitive conversation with her (like you never had any feelings for her ) .the dissapesar again and after two weeks drop her one of the texts.
      Reply
    • Dara
      A.Z., Thank you so much!! You are really a great source of inspiration!! My utmost appreciations!! Probably my ex knew that I will be there! She should have seen the head-count list! At first, I was worried that my participation can be interpreted as clinginess and an approach towards her (after all it was a program organized by their office). However, since there are chances that her boss tell her that we had a lot of fun, it can be something positive for me! Probably on Monday or Tuesday! There will be a similar but shorter and indoor gathering on coming Friday and Saturday. Will probably see her there! Alas, outdoor ones are much more effective! I have also been thinking about your case A.Z. He probably loves you! To many guys sexual life of their loved ones is important! Probably he has some clue or guess that you might be dating. He also knows that every date does not mean sex but the idea makes him a bit uncomfortable. By the way, are you back to him or do you stay in the new town that you were supposed to be temporarily? There are chances that he will ask for comeback when you are physically back to the same town! Thanks again!!
      Reply
    • a.z
      your right,and i'm sure your gonna make it in the best way.i really wish you all the best lucks in the world. and about my case,i don't really know how he feels for me.it has been 4 days that we are not in touch.and no,i'm still not there but i'm gonna be there by the next 10 days.the other day he said he missed me a lot and asked me to get back to the country sooner but i gave him no obvious answer.and i'm not gonna initiate any contact.i don't want to be too available to him.i'm feel really confused about him.i just did everything i was supposed and the problem is he knows that i love him.i show nothing but he knows me better than everyone.he even knows all about my body language.we were having a video call,he asked me if i dated someone.i was just thinking for like 3 seconds and he said i got the answer you make this face when you are about to lie :O. then i told him i had no serious thing as dating a special guy but i met new people and i do go out with them.seriously i'm so sick of it.he is like the only guy that i can't read his mind.one day he is too emotional and one day he makes me feel i never knew him before.
      Reply
    • Dara
      A.Z., There are chances that he is hiding his feelings! Sometimes he is successful and sometimes he is not! You must understand this much better than me! Maybe he is faking emotions and sometimes he is real. But I believe that he is trying his best to hide his feelings! Since he is asking about your sex, he probably loves you! There are chances that he get a lot emotional when you come back! Men are appearance oriented! It is said that they love what they see! At least this is correct in my case! I prefer breakup over long distance relationship! My suggestion is simply be cool and think about the direction of your relationship when you meet him again! Only 10 days!! He is probably hurt by that drinking accident! Remember that I am still pissed off at that Sherryl! It is okay that he can read you body language! But unless you approve it, he will never be 100% sure! I am also good at reading body languages (most of my ex girlfriends approved it and appraised it), but had some problem with my ex! Oh! I meant to say that unless they approved it, I was not 100% sure!! Have a great weekend!! Will update more later!!
      Reply
    • a.z
      thank you dara, yeah,i know all your saying is right.i think i'm doing the right thing and if he really loves me, his gonna ask me to get back this way.lets see what happens.thank you very much again x have a nice weekend :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      A.Z., The weekend is going to end in a few hours and I am a bit low now! This is probably because I feel that I had a great chance yesterday and I feel that I will not get that chance back again! Other chances are simply remember the moment texts which I believe may not work for me because our end was sarcastic. She is probably hurt a lot and might need more than 90 days of NC to recover! Plus, as time goes on there are more chances that she fall into a permanent relationship which is not important basically because I will understand that I have to move on but it will probably hurt me for a couple of weeks. A.Z., what is your suggestion about asking Kevin to open a page in which we could just leave comments for each other without interfering in Kevin's main comments/suggestion? I feel you just like me feel ease visiting this site!!
      Reply
  • Lou
    Hi all, Hope you can shed some light on this please. Ok so here goes. I was in same gender relationship with a girl, it lasted 6 weeks. As soon as we got chatting/meeting up we both relaised that we had a strong connection and feelings started to grow quite quickly. We both said we never felt like this before so soon and also both had the attraction. The only thing was this girl had 3 serious relationships with guys in the past, but she said she always knew that she was gay. Anyway as the weeks went on the feelings grow more, and she actually came out to her friends and family, as she said no one makes her happy as much as I do. I am already out to everyone. Before she came out she was a little hot/cold as she didn't like lying to people. After she came out the feeling was fantastic I was so happy, but then she went to being cold again (I think this is her personailty being hot/cold) as she has a very stresseful job and alot going on in her life at the moment. I kinda messed it up as I said I can not deal with you being cold, so if thats how your going to be then we best call it a day. and she did it is now over. This was a week ago. I made even further mistakes by sending a card to her work to say sorry, and messaging her on the dating website we met on (as I delted her number so I didn't make the mistake of harrassing her) she called me on Sunday to say, stop contacting me your making me ill, your not the only one who is upset and hurt by this, but we are not right for each other, I scare her, it was unproffesional contacting her at work by sending the card, she will not change my mind, and now she has blocked my number. I have not made any contact since, but we both admitted we had strong feelings for each other when we were in a relationship and how happy we wee she even came out for me, do you think she be back or that is it now?
    Reply
    • a.z
      hey lou, i think you need to follow the plan and since she has blocked your number,i think it would be better to continue NC for 2 months.do what kevin said during NC.i'm sure your gonna feel better.
      Reply
    • Lou
      So you don't feel there is any chance of her coming back, I know it was only for 6 weeks, but we both fell in love
      Reply
    • a.z
      of course there is a chance.yes 6 weeks was not that long but if you believe that there was a deep connection so its ok.i remember i fell in love with my ex during the first week. i suggested 2 month because you acted kinda needy and made her block you.and again that's ok .my ex once got too mad at me and blocked me i went on NC again and he unblocked me again.see? there is nothing impossible.i said 2 months because i'm sure first of all you are gonna be happy again by then,you will reach the control over your emotions so your plan is gonna be more effective.and during NC she is gonna be wondering what happened to you and why aren't you still chasing her.so all the neediness visions that she has for you will disappear and she wonders if you still feel something for her or not.since it has been only a week that you broke up,NC is way more effective.don't show any negative emotions.change your profile pic on Fb and upload photos that shows your having a good time without her in your life.share interesting pics and videos.there is a chance that she contacts you even less than a month.if she does,don't respond until the 30 days is over.if she doesn't wait another month then go on and contact her.also sign up for kevin's email series,it's wonderful.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Lou, I'm sorry but I recommend you to move on. 6 weeks is too short to build relationships. Considering that she had 3 boyfriends, make me believe that she only wanted to make sure if she is a gay or not.
      Reply
    • a.z
      dara, I think moving on is the best choice for all of us.but he just broke up and i think he has a chance.
      Reply
    • Dara
      I think you are right A.Z. Lou needs to think about it really hard! Maybe for two months.
      Reply
    • lou
      But we are not fb friends and she knows i cant contacr her cos she has blocked me so she wont be woundering why im.not contacting her
      Reply
    • a.z
      doesn't matter she is gonna check your FB profile anyway.its ok,she knows you can find a way to contact her if you want.like you posted a card to his work.
      Reply
  • Musa Ahmed
    Hi all hope everyone is ok this is a reply to A.z. I was in no contact for about 26 days with her until her birthday came up a few days ago asked her how she was doing then didn't reply telling her how I was doing just texted her I am glad its sorted and left it like that. If you scroll down you can see all my posts and try look into my life story. last time I was needy clingy maybe just over a month or so? I definitely know I had a argument with her a month and a half ago and went no contact. The question is shall I just start no contact again fresh for a month or so? The month of Ramadan is coming and its really difficult to work things around but like someone said no need to rush into anything. I just have a lot going on in my mind at the moment and its draining me out. no contact is effective I understand that but what if I overdo no contact is there such thing? The question I am asking is how long do I do no contact again last time I was clingy or had a argument with her was over a month...
    Reply
    • Rihanna
      I guess another month of NC would be good especially cos you acted clingy and had an argument with her, 26 days of NC is good but would be better (I think and I hope I'm not wrong) if you could extend it another month, this way it would further distance her memory from your neediness and the argument. Perhaps, when the fasting for Ramadan is over you could send her the first text, it would heighten the celebration for you both during this feast and would remind her that you two have a beautiful thing in common. Perhaps you could surprise her with something new that you're doing for the Eid that she wouldn't expect from you, eg: cooking something challenging that she loves or making something that you two once ate together at a date etc... and made an impression on her etc... This way she'll remember a special date you both shared, she'll see a new version of you that she hasn't known yet (but hopefully would like to know) and regardless whether she's keen on getting back with you or not at this stage, I'm sure she'll be happy to hear from you after a long time and at a special time too... It would be perfect timing I guess... that's just my opinion and Good luck! xx
      Reply
    • a.z
      i think rihanna is right,but this time you need to prove that you have changed and don't appear needy again.i'm sure you can make it.
      Reply
    • Dara
      I think you are right A.Z. Lou needs to think about it really hard! Maybe for two months.
      Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      Im thinking of sending a text after Ramadan on EID day but I have no clue what I want to say or how shall I write it. I feel as though I am losing time and more distance is going to mess things up. I feel confusion, thinking to send her a text saying Happy Eid Guess what colour I am wearing today :P (purple) We both love Purple...
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    Hi everyone! Today I feel 'blah' and my mind is telling me to move on though I do miss him still. I'm not even sure I can bring myself to initiate contact with him anymore, even the thought of contacting him feels awkward. I'm 28 days into NC. I'm hoping for him to contact me first but in a month time or so if he doesn't then I'll send him the goodbye letter, more for my sake than his :)
    Reply
    • Daniel
      Rihanna, Thants good. Im happy to hear that you are finally starting considering moving ob. :)
      Reply
    • Edward
      Hey Rihanna, If you had done NC for 28 days and still miss him, I don't see why not sending him a text like the one in Kevin's guide. Hopefully by now you are in a clear mind and should know whether you have changed during your time of NC. If you feel like you've positively changed, then I'd say go ahead and give it a shot to ask him to hangout, good luck!
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin i hope you read this when you get back, Im proud to say that i am finally moving on. I guess the hope ive been holdin on to all this time is whats keeping me from moving on. I read that there is a special guy that makes her smile. I sent her a goodbye text coz i just want to let it off my chest. And fate really plays its tricks on you. After all my text attempts that she didn't replied to before. She replied to my goodbye message. She said "thank you! :)" I didnt reply ofcourse but it felt like the validation i was searching for from her so i can finally move on. But it also gave me another hope that we can reconnect again in the future. This is what i sent her. I dont really care anymore. I just want the pain to end. "Hi jem. I hope you find who you really are and be what you wanted to be like you always wanted to. I hope you find what you are looking for in this lifetime. Be free from people who dictates and mandates what to do with your life. You're still young. Catch your dreams. Be free like you always wanted to be. I know that being a dentist is not your only thing hat you want. So go and experience the world. I forgot that it was also what i wanted. :) I hope in the future i can once again be a part of your life. When you finally found yourself. When you are ready tot alk to me again. As of now it doesnt seem possible. Dont worry i wont force a relationship on you ever again. Yes, i still have feelings for you i would be lying if i said otherwise. Unfortunately it wont vanish easily as much as i wanted it to be but i don't let it get the best of me anymore. I also wanted to say sorry again just to clear my heart. Im sorry for taking you for granted. Im sorry your first relationship didn't go the way you wanted it. Im sorry i did not become someone you need. Thankyou for the hard lessons. You made me realize my mistakes. I promise to treat women better. I'll just make it up to mu next girlfriend. Thanks to you she will be lucky to have me ;) You gave me a wake up call. I've taken action to change my life for the better. Just so you know im not in DLSUD anymore. Im in a place that i know i will be happy. :) Maybe someday we can talk again. casual talking like friends would be great. Im looking forward to the day i can get back in your life. You were important. I cared for you so much so i let you go i dont want to be a hindrance to your life, i dont want to hinder your growth. Goodbye. Maybe someday we get another chance. Until then i won't lose hope." What do you think guys?
    Reply
    • Dara
      Sorry jumping in Daniel. This email is close to perfect! I believe this is what is expected to be there in that hand written letter!! The fact that she broke the silence is a great achievement!! You are almost there in the friend-zone. I tend to assume that there are still chances for you! But really can't conclude. Anyway, you made me hope that one day I can somehow get a two-word response from her. Thanks!!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      thabks dara! But i guess i gotta start a long nc around 3-6mos.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, I'm afraid one day you will regret wasting 3-6 months. However, I am not sure what would I do if I don't get any response after 90 days.
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Look dara. Im not gonna wait for her. Ill just attempt contacr. Manu things can happen im about to make a drastic change in my life. New career. New place. New people. New environment. As you can see. I want to move on. But stillw ant to attempt contact after a long time. My case i guess cant be solved in such a short time.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      I especially like the second part of the letter, it finished strong and hopeful... there's a sense of poignancy but it's beautiful, well done!
      Reply
    • Dara
      That's the best decision!! I agree with that!! We'll be missing you here! LOL
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Dont worry man. Im here till you all finish your repsective challenges. We started together. Im here to the end giving comfort. Im just busy this week coz im transferingning in another school and hopefully another place. :)
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Thanks rihanna. Actually i did not care anymore if it would look week. I just wanted to release all the emotion and whats left to say to her. And then move on. Thanks for appreciating. I wish you luck! All i can say is be strong. :)
      Reply
    • a.z
      well done daniel,wish u all the best!!!
      Reply
    • Niels
      How long did she wait before she started this new relationship? If she moved on quickly then I think this "good bye" message was pretty pity. You make her feel like she is control of you and can always fall back on you if it wouldn't work out with this guy. I think you should read Kevin's text again. You need to improve yourself again, let her feel that she lost you. If you manage the gain her respect again by improving yourself you will have far more chance of reuniting and securing a long term relationship in the future. You don't gain this respect by using pity, needy, insecurity and other emotions. As you said you learned a lot from this relationship and your next relationship will be more mature than your first. On the other hand if she waited a long time before entering a new relationship its more likely not to be a rebound. And it wouldn't matter how much you love her, love is a potion that comes from two. If she doesn't see you as a worthy partner, then there is no point wasting your time about thinking what the future can bring for you two.
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Niels, She isnt in a relationship yet. I think there is just someone making a move and she is attracted to him. Its been 3mos since our breakup. You know what, she knows im strong. My situation is kinda different so i cant follow the textbook here. Part of the reason we broke up was she felt less important. By making her feel that she has value to me is a good point. Another thing. Im not waiting for her or i dont want her to fall back to me. As you can read i want to reconnect as a friend. and after sending this i made a strong move by unfriending her on facebook. Besides this is goodbye. I have a lot more to experience. Getting back with her is not my first option anymore. I'll just let fate decide. If we meet again then there is a reason for it. As she once said" lets not force it, lets just make it happen" she needed to breakup with me because she needs to grow. And now i understand that reason. She felt unloved and unprioritized by me thats why she decided its not worth ut anymore. Its better to breakup and grow that to stick and get get hurt. I know my mistakes. I just wish i did not make them on her. Anyway life goes on.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, My situation is somewhat like yours and I understand you. I had also taken her for granted in the first 5 months of our relationship. This is the hardest situation because you don't know if need to prove that you love her or show no affection. But if I want to write a goodbye letter, I'll write like you!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Goodluck dara! Remember not to weak. You can show your love but not too desperate. Wish you the best. :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      Thanks Daniel!! I am jolly and fun loving! I will never repeat those mistakes again!! :)
      Reply
  • Musa Ahmed
    Hi all I feel like I'm stuck in the friend zone with my ex girlfriend with the texts. If you scroll down you can see the scenario I'm in. I know she still feels something for me but I want to be more than friends. I can't be friends with someone I love so much everyday I think about it and it's killing me inside. I wish I could make her understand what she means to me. It's been about 9 months we been broken off. Please scroll down and see the situation I'm in. Advice needed thank you all for helping me out.
    Reply
    • a.z
      hey musa, again,don't WORRY about the falsefriendship,your not stuck in the friendzone untill she talks about her feeling for someone else.and even if she does ,there is also a way to get out of that stage.it's been 9 months and you know that she still has feelings for you so why are you so nervous?.this is a great chance for you to get her back.don't show her your feelings please.trust me if she has feelings for you she is not gonna look at you as a casual friend too.the more you try to show her your ok being friends,the more chance you can get to get her back. i am also in the falsefriendship and actually i'm happy about it.i also love him so much so i think it is worth it.i highly recommend you to read ryan river's relationship rewind.
      Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      Thank you so much you are really helpful I will read it when I get the chance. I just hope she ain't talking to me just to get with someone else if that makes sense. Either way I will keep you posted in a few days if she doesn't text me I'm thinking to write her a text but looking at the samples I have no idea what I'm going to send her. I'm just confused zoned out my mind is wandering in space. Once again thank you A.Z a sample text from you would be great just can't think of anything at the moment.
      Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      Well I assume she has feelings for me I sense something is still there. We was in a relationship for 4 years feelings don't just got away like that so yeah I'm having a hard time.
      Reply
    • a.z
      if you have been in such a long term relationship and its already 9 months that u broke up and she is not still over you,then you have a chance.you should know that the old relationship is over and from now on everything is new.you should use the positive points you had in your relationship and forget the negative points.you need to reach to a positive mindset.you should be confident on what you are doing.you should be patient and trust yourself,be cool about everything.don't think about the negative things and let go of the fearful what ifs... .your gonna be fine and yes i will send you a sample text but you need to think what to send to be more effective on her. it should be something like: haha i know this is random but the craziest thing just reminded me of you :D :p( smiley face is good here to show her that it is something playful. then she is gonna ask you what is it? and you should think of a moment you had in bliss when something funny or memorable happened.it shouldn't be something romantic or a bout the time that you two were doing something intimate. then you can tell her: remember the time when we went to ( the place ) and we did ( something really funny and interesting that you did together) ? i think she will say yes. then tell her i just saw a photo that reminded me of how much we laughed there,then send her the photo and add a smiley face like your laughing :))))))))))). i myself did it the same way and it really worked.mine was the same dialog and the photo was a couple in cinema that were laughing so bad while everyone around them was silent(awkward right?haha). you should think whether it was funny to her or not,its really important that it is a bliss reminder.and again it shouldn't be romantic at all.and she doesn't have to know that you are doing this to get her back..i think its gonna be more effective after a little of NC so she doesn't see it as a sign that you want her back.if you have acted needy and asked her to get back after the NC, make it clear that you have accepted the friendship over the relationship.then go on NC for a little while and then send her the text.
      Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      Awesome thank you so much I think I done this a few months ago but she just wrote Lool That's it. Let's see the only thing I can think about is the time on the bus when some man sat on a girl by accident lol. So how long do I go no contact for again? Last text I sent was yesterday saying I'm glad it's sorted. Thank you so much you gave me a little bit of hope appreciate it. I just hope she ain't using contact with me while getting with someone else. She's very quiet and strange. Too many games. Would be nice getting your email or of you don't mind regular checking this page as I'm always posting these days.
      Reply
    • a.z
      i think it depends on how much you have been acting needy,and when was the last time that you asked her to get back.have you ever been on NC for a month? and if yes did you ask her to get back or acted needy after NC?.you need to work on yourself and don't be obsessed over her reactions.don't think of the negative things all the time.thinking too much makes the situation harder,it makes the problems more complicated and makes you feel you are in a worse situation than you really are.i don't think if she is using you to get in a new relationship with someone else.why would she do this? was 9 months not enough for her to get over you and move on?but you see that she still has feelings for you.seriously you need to work on yourself and become a happy person who is not worried about every simple word she says or her silence.as long as you are obsessed with her,she can sense it.and you can't follow your plan in an effective way.don't worry if she still feels something for you,even if she starts a new relationship (i'm saying if in the worst case scenario ) ,its most probably a rebound which won't last a long time.but if she was to move on and start a new relationship,i think she would have done that by now.so don't worry about it.work on your self esteem and let her see a new you that is not nervous and needy at all.if you have never been on NC till now tell her you are sorry for acting needy and pushy lately and you have accepted the breakup and you will be glad if you guys could still be friends after some time.then go on NC for a month or 6 weeks and during the time follow what kevin said to do.its not that hard,believe me you need to accept that if you ever want her back you should do it and change something about yourself and get rid of your obsessions and fearful thoughts.don't be scared of the word ' friends' .its for your own good and once she finds that you prefer the friendship over the relationship,she will get closer to you the way you want.you need to handle your feelings.if you don't when you see her you will get more emotional and ruin everything you went through till the time.then you should start it all again which is not what you want.i'm sure you can get over this situation its hard sometimes but hopefully in the end you will get what you want.
      Reply
  • dew
    Hey, Kevin I miss u so much.. its been just two weeks of no contact and my ex asked me out last night.. I don't know whats best to do.. I didn't reply to his mail.. I know kevin is not there.. so please someone help me..
    Reply
    • a.z
      hey dew, i personally don't know your story,i wish kevin were here so he could help.but i think in the most cases we shouldn't break NC.if you are really feeling bad not to answer his mail,just tell him thanks but i need some space for now.then after 2 weeks you can send him one of the texts. hope i'm not suggesting the wrong thing.
      Reply
    • dew
      Thanks a.h. :-)
      Reply
  • David
    Hi All, Just thought Id post for an update and some opinions, Im having a bit of a down day yesterday and today. So far following on from her last emails asking if I had met anyone, She has been texting/Emailing me casually, Ive been replying as normal and trying to ignore the "emotional" side, She asked what I was upto 1 night and I said going to a friends house...she replied saying "oh a 'friend' ay!" (basically implying a female friend) and I said no, it was actually 2 friends to which she said "I do her head in lol, your not simple like normal guys", she said i should of just said the names of the ppl instead of beating around the bush by only saying "going to a friends" and that I would complain to her if she said the same thing instead of naming names. Anyways, During this normal conversations yesterday she was on about moving out to a flat etc and I wished her goodluck, she still txts me goodnight etc, so she is initiating most/if not all of the contact now as im only actually replying to her... Today I initiated as I had a genuine non relationship question for her which I know she could help me with...she is emailing me etc and we somehow got onto the topic of her saying she dont know what she wants to do (in terms of life, holidays/mortgages etc), and as Ive been casually talking to her and I mentioned about myself that I want a mortgage, she mentioned she doesnt want a mortage or commitment of that by herself and I agreed to an extent. She said "well lets hope you find yourself a gf for when you want to move out"... Basically, i honestly do feel uncomfortable talking about me or her having a gf/bf...though I havent asked and she hasnt hinted at her having a new BF or moving on...But I am very confused today...we are talking normal and casually but it seems to be more based about us both moving on..which im playing it cool but dont like it tbh Im confused at all the hints of me moving on or having a girlfriend...shes going to a festival in a few days so theyll be plenty of opportunities for her to have some "fuN"...and i get the impression that shes hinting at me moving on and saying "Its not bad is it, its been 2 months hasnt it?" and looking for re-assurance for her to move on Do you think im right in assuming this? Should I email back and ask why she keeps mentioning about me moving on witha gf? Should I tell her if she wants to move on etc then do it...dont keep hinting at me doing it first etc Any ideas? Thanks a lot
    Reply
    • David
      Oh and I think she tried to start a drunk conversation with me the other day..she didnt call, but messaged me at 12:30am, sayin "oi" and when i asked why she messagedme, she said "I dunno, just thought of you whilst eating"...turns out she had been on the night
      Reply
    • a.z
      i think she is just saying this to see what your answers will be.like if you want to move on or get into a new relationship.or maybe she hopes you say something about getting back together.i kinda did the same things with my exes before.i think you should tell her that you don't need to use a girl to move on and right now you are enjoying your life the way it is and there is no girl in it for now.and about her,tell her that its her life and she has a right to do whatever she thinks is right. then ask her not to talk about the breakup and whatever bad that happened between you in a polite way.then bring up something funny and change the topic.
      Reply
    • David
      Thanks a.z, I kinda did think about asking her to not bring up the gf thing..but I just replied pretty much as you said here is what I sent "Oh thanks, you make me sound desperate to find a gf! and that im on some sort of friggin time table! lol Im not interested in anything like that at moment, I need to sort myself out first ha x" She replied after that but not in a nasty or cold way, and we ended on a funny note the conversation has ended now, so thats cool. Im not sure she hopes I say something about the getting back together, as it was only 1-2 days ago she mentioned the "We dont work but I do miss you" thing. and she does know my feelings for her. We shall see what tonight/tomorrow brings to see what/if she texts me...Tomorrow is Friday when i said I would take her out but I havent mentioned it since...so we shall see if she mentions it or not...then on Saturday she is on about coming out whilst im out with our mutual friends, so im just going to be myself. Thats my strong point :)....Im very good at been myself and having a reallygood time....very good at communicating socially and face to face..not so good through writing :) Thanks
      Reply
    • a.z
      cool david, wish you all the best for the meeting. doesn't matter if she said its not gonna work but she misses you.i said the same thing to my ex but i'm really in love with him.i absolutely told him that i don't want him back anymore he became mad and i got my answer that he still cares.that is kind of a girls psychology i guess :D.but i'm sure she has feelings for you and you can change this stage by acting like friends.let her doubt about your feelings and wonder whether you still want her back or not.and once you meet and she see that you are all happy and confident and enjoying your life without her,i think she will second guess about the breakup decision.
      Reply
    • Dara
      David, Whenever I read you notes here, I felt that we are dating the same girl! Especially that her ex was someone named David! LOL In fact, my breakup was not out of blue and it was gradual indifference from her! Moreover, I always heard this nasty sentence, "go and find yourself another girlfriend". I kept silent every time because I did not know what to say! In the last days, she went deeper and started making paragraphs like, "there are so many good girls around, why don't you find a new another one. I'm sure they will make you happier than I do". They really made me uncomfortable. My response was usually silence or I would say, "I love you more than anyone else". I think probably I shouldn't have been so direct. Anyway, I think I am learning things from you and A.Z.'s comments here!! Good luck to both of you!!
      Reply
    • a.z
      hey dara, you are right,you don't have to be that direct.in fact she doesn't have to be sure that you still have strong feelings for her.i do believe its too hard when it comes to controlling the emotions and i'm also working so hard on myself. every time you want to show up your feelings,just remind yourself that you need to control it and its for your own good.wish you all the best :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey A.Z., Thank you very much! I don't know why I had turn this way in this relationship. Even she would confess that she is surprised that why should I love her so much. She had come to conclusion that all my previous relationships were terrible. At some point, I concluded that this assumption is extremely dangerous for our relationship. This NC helped me gain a lot of things including my composure. At this point my aim is to break all such assumptions about me and I know, I have only one option; play it cool!! Thanks again!!
      Reply
    • David
      Haha, Im sorry and glad your in the similar situation to me :) Its hard, but also makes it easier to talk about if we are in similar situation! Yeah my ex said she wasnt good enough for me etc but this was after we broke up, but like yourself I used to be silent and not say stuff. I also made the deadly mistake of telling her how much I loved her. For me...the big turning point in her initiating all of the contact was what my friend told me in person, it was this "Basically, dont ignore her, just reply as normal, dont bother timing your replies etc, if you see it and want to reply instantly, then do it if you want, but just reply normally and try to remove emotion..bit more more "Aloof". Reply in a friendly way as you would a male friend I suppose, sometimes a female friend, answer her questions if she asks you some, but just bluntly and dont try to keep the conversation open too hard..just do what is normally acceptable" So basically If she said to me "Hows you? Been upto much? x" I would just reply "yeah im good thanks, just been to pub and cinema with Rich, how about you? x" If the conversation ended, then so be it, I could notice the conversation drying up sometimes and it always ended on me sending the last message...(i sometimes think of how to start it back up....but I hold back) Then suddenly I would get a message from her late at night saying something simple like "Night x" or the next morning, just with her telling me how shes tired or something...again I just replied something kinda normal like "haha, Why so tireD? should get to bed earlier! x" For me personally!...This was a lot easier then NC for me..I did a week of NC until she contacted me..but ignoring her I think fans the flames, Also its a bit too hard on me personally to IGNORE someone, but for me personally me knowing that im replying and not been ignorant and leaving the ball in their court, its a big help to me. If she wants to strike up conversation she will do with me and ill reply, if she doesnt then im not chasing her. She seems to of recognised my change straight away I think as you can see from my posts below. good luck!
      Reply
    • Dara
      Thank you David! For the reasons you mentioned I believe I have less chances, but I am naturally a positive thinker. I think this helps me most of the time in human-human relations! Good luck again!!
      Reply
    • Dara
      Oh! A.Z. and David, I just remembered something funny about her mind games! Once, I caught her and told her that I want to talk to her! In short, it was like this, I: "I want you to help me to improve the quality of our relationship and I can do anything for it", She: "You are too selfish, I'm not happy in it", then I: "So, what do you suggest?" She: "I am sure you will resist again, because you are selfish", I: "No, I will impose my idea, what ever you say, this will be ultimate decision", She: "I want breakup". I: "Okay, we'll break up" She: "What?? You are okay?", I: "This is what you want, I should not be selfish" She: "We need to think more about it", I: "How much? When will you let me know about it?" She: "This weekend. Come to my house, we'll talk about it" I: "Okay!" That evening, she sent me some pics, some emails, etc. but on the weekend, she did not respond to my message as a reminder for the meeting. About 1 a.m. she texted me "What's up?" and I said that I am watching some movies with friend. Next week, she told me that she wanted to breakup and I resisted. Also, she told me that she wanted to invite me to her house, but I said that I am busy!! We'll I still don't understand that why do I am looking for such person who keeps playing such games with me!! Maybe because my friends and I believe that I had a beautiful girlfriend! How cheap of me!! LOL!! Anyway, there are chances that I meet her tomorrow. If her behavior is welcoming, I might talk to her. After all, its my 55th day of NC!
      Reply
    • a.z
      yes ,these are some psychological problems that most of the girls, including me have :D .try to keep the conversation in a friendly way and short.she doesn't have to feel anything about your feelings for her.if she is welcoming ,wait one more week and send her one of the texts and then little by little ask her out. wish u all the best :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      Thanks A.Z.! I will do my best if I get the chance!!
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Im a mess! I saw a guy posted a heart on her wall on facebook. I let go of a few tears. But thats it. I dont want to be hurt anymore.
    Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, my friend, stay strong!! Maybe its better to see that she is really gone for good!! Then you can have a conclusion in your mind on what you are going to do next! I hope this Facebook poster guy is not even a rebound one, just a pest! I don't know who is in worse situation, but I can't even see what's going on on her Facebook! I also don't know how did it end for you. Daniel, since you have done 90 days of NC and did not get any result from text or post, I suggest you to see her somewhere somehow and if it didn't work just move on!!
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    Hi everyone, Does anyone have the format of the hand written letter to send to me? I know it's on this site but I can't find it :( ... thanks heaps
    Reply
    • Steve
      Hey Rihanna The format I have for the letters was from one of the emails that Kevin sent me. But if you scroll up this page you get the basis of the do's and don'ts of the letter. Good luck writing it. I have decided that's how I'm going to break NC and have a draft written already :) If you need more information I can do a cut and paste
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Steve, I have not yet received that email and would very much appreciate it if you would cut and paste (if no problem)... I wish you all the best and hope it goes well for you ... keep us posted :)
      Reply
  • Musa Ahmed
    Quick update again sorry to bother everyone on here.. I texted her saying: Morning you okay? How's ur day going? X She replies back:Afternoon I'm ok.. Well I jus woke up.. Wbu? How's things.. Sorry I needed to know something but it's sorted now. It just seems like she's asking in a friendly way but I don't know... I sense she misses my presence but then we talk I just feel as a normal plain way. Do I go back to no contact? Do I reply back to her? I wanted to see her next week she doesn't even give a kiss(x) back after the text. I feel like I'm back in square one. Feel really low than before to be honest. Thank you all for helping me out.
    Reply
    • a.z
      it's ok musa,say that your glad its sorted.i think you don't need to restart NC.just wait for a week and if she contacts you be nice and friendly,act normal like you are just friends and stop the kisses(x) in your messages.if she doesn't contact you wait 5 more days and send her the s.th reminded of you text.the text shouldn't be romantic it should be something interesting and funny that both of you enjoyed in the past.don't get too personal with her during the conversations.for now you need to get yourself close to her by acting like friends,she doesn't have to feel that you want her back for sure.
      Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      Thanks A.z u just replied back saying I'm glad it's sorted I didn't reply back telling her I'm fine... Il give it 5 days and see what happens... Everything just seems to be on a standstill she's just being plain. I believe it's mind games. Thanks for your support.
      Reply
    • a.z
      don't worry about the mind games,follow your plan i'm sure your gonna be fine.she is not over you.
      Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      Yes thank you so much the problem is Ramadan the fasting month is on the 28th of this month where we can't see each other.So how shall I play it out. I feel upset that I didn't even buy her nothing. Everyone is saying something different let's hope I do get a message from her real soon.
      Reply
    • a.z
      musa, you didn't have to buy her anything when you weren't together.don't rush the things,be cool and wait for the time. doesn't matter if you can't see her on the fasting month.just think which one is better? trying to rush things and possibly ruining everything you've done till now or being in touch with her and meet her when its the time.and during this time you can prove her that you are happy and doing well in your life and improving your personal life without her.be sure this is really attractive to everyone.
      Reply
    • a.z
      and you can have the conversation on skype or other video calls during the month.that is also effective .
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi Musa I just want to agree with what A.Z is saying. You are upset that you are back at step 1, but that is actually the place you want to be at right now. The way I see it step 1 is the start of something new with your Ex and that stage is all about building up the friendship you have with your Ex. You have open the lines of communication with her again and that is a good thing. A.Z is right STOP texting kisses to her. You have to treat her like a friend and nothing more right now. A good way of seeing it is consider building your relationship like climbing a mountain. When you first met your Ex you were at the bottom of the mountain and you had to climb through all the different stages from casual friends to close friends to dating stage to get to the peak of bliss. When she broke up with you, its like you fell all the way to the bottom of the mountain and in order to climb back to the top again you have to start at the beginning with just being a casual friend to her and working your way up. Don't be discouraged
      Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      Hi the thing is I'm sure she is always willing to text me as a friend but I need to start progressing Il wait a few days if she texts me which I doubt she will. Then maybe drop her a text. I don't want her getting used to me as just a friend I'm confused. I know at the moment we are on a friend level but what if she just wants to stay like that. I been thinking about it for 3 days ever since I texted her happy birthday.
      Reply
    • a.z
      thats what everyone here calls it falsefriendship.you just want her to think that your ok being friends so you can talk to her or meet her without appearing needy to her.then you can build attraction and get back to bliss after some times.there are some rules about the meetings and conversations that if you have been following kevin's emails then you should know about ryan river's relationship rewind.you can find all about the relationship stages, rules and the falsefriendship in his book.you don't need to worry about the falsefrienship unless she talks about her feelings for someone else.
      Reply
  • RAED
    Kevin, I believe I wasn't able to receive your emails dated June 5, 9, 11, 15 and 16. Sorry but I am really looking forward to your mails everyday. Thanks!
    Reply
  • Daniel
    I want to share this with you guys. I am still suffering from this. Im not sure if this will happen to you also. But just incase. I am having a hard tme accepting that i am doing well without my ex. I still want to share my happiness and success with her. It pains me to think that she is not here to rejoice share my accomplishments with her. Its still hard to accept for me but i am still moving on. I guess this is normal. Hopefully after sometime she will reply to my text. But i dont think its anytime soon. :(
    Reply
    • RAED
      Daniel, Hey! It is happening to me too. I kinda miss her at times but not the obssessive kind of miss. I can go on days without contact. It feels good because I have never experienced being by myself before, only now and surprisingly I am doing fine. Back to the first time I went here being such a mess and my emotions were all over the place, I never thought that this day will come when I will be fine without her. IT's thrilling at the same time frightening because I don't know if I want her back. And if ever she initiates I dont know if I still want the relationship. Haha Goodluck, Daniel! Enjoy yourself
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank god you shared this Daniel cos for sometime I've been feeling like everyone of you here is doing well and moving on and I'm the only one not progressing. I feel sick all the time, I want to cry sometimes but can't, I wait til I take a shower to cry out my pain but once i'm there I actually sing hahaha... I always surprise myself that I haven't cried in the shower cos that's supposed to be my only 'me' time where I can let my feelings out. I'm also very disappointed in my ex that he hasn't texted me first and why should we be the ones seeking after them if they're the ones who caused us this pain. Then, a lot of times I think 'who cares about him? I can definitely go on and live without him' and though that's true, yes I can, I don't want to be without him cos he's brought me a lot of happiness in my life. I would live great without him but my life would have better meaning with him in it, that's how I feel anyway. So, you're not alone in missing your ex and good luck to all of us surviving this kind of pain.
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Well guys actually im kinda sad while writing this comment. Im kinda obsessing my ex unconciously this few days. Im checking her twitter through my sister's account coz mine is blocked. Well, i found out that someone is making a move on her. She disnt mention if she likes the guy or what. It kinda dealt a small blow in my chest but on the bright side i did not freak out. I accepted the fact. What can i do my ex is pretty. Haha! You know what guys. What i learned in this journey is that its better to move on. Dont waste time on things tou cant control. If your ex doesnt want you then fine. You cant control how they feel. But you can control your reaction and own feelings. So focus on what you can control. Will you let your ex ruin your life? I dont wanna. Imagine you are a bird in a cage once then your ex set you free but here you are doing everything and desperately wanting to get back inside the cage. You see there are opportunities around you. Opportunities that you cant pursue if you are in a relationship your ex. There are good things that opened up in front of you. You just have to shift your view from your ex towards them. Its not over, life goes on. Goodluck guys!
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi Rihanna Don't worry I think everyone here has varying degrees of missing their Ex, just I think sometime we can be better at putting the mask on and hiding it. I forced myself to have a good weekend doing various things by myself and at the end of the weekend I did feel good and for the first time began thinking that while I miss my Ex I can be ok if it doesn't work out. However the last couple of days have been tough so its still very much up and down for myself. I think the biggest issue I have right now is that my Ex was my first girlfriend in 8 years and I experienced a lot of rejection from girls in-between that period. That's why I really felt like the 9 months we were together were literally the best time of my life and I was living in bliss and I know she felt it too. I imagine its like you start out seeing the world in black and white and you're ok with that, then all of a sudden you see the world in colour and everything is amazing, then its ripped away from you and you go back to seeing the world in black in white again but now you have that sense of what you have lost and black and white just doesn't cut it anymore Also, at my work there is a guy who broke up with his girlfriend 3 weeks ago and he was telling me that over the weekend he went to a local bar and picked up a girl and slept with her. His advice to me was I just do the same. However I'm not really the smooth talker and don't feel comfortable going to bars to chat to girls so I feel like I'm facing another long period of being single, which just makes me feel down
      Reply
    • Dara
      Steve, Sorry to hear more on your story! A friend used to say that there are ups and downs in life and at his moment we are in some down, and ups will come later!! I hope this NC will work for you!! I am a smooth talker and can basically flirt with anyone but the fact is that I still love my ex girlfriend a lot! So, its hard for me as well to sleep with another girl! It seemed to be easy 2-3 weeks ago because I was still angry at her for dumping me but not anymore!! Maybe its a phase that I am going through towards my mental health!! By the way, what team do you fan in Football World Cup?? I love Brazil, though its not my country, and I don't have close friends from that country!!
      Reply
    • Steve
      Thanks for that Dara. Yeah I hope NC will work for me too...haha. But I hope it works for us all. I know all of us are struggling with the feelings that we have towards our Ex. I was more astonished that the guy at work who had been with his girl for 3 years could easily be unphased by the breakup and get straight back into the dating scene and that literally is his attitude. As to the football question I don't really have a specific team I support, but have been watching a few games this world cup (Generally I don't follow sport as I'm more of a geek :) )but today I was amazed at how well Chile played, they showed a lot of skill against Spain and deserved the win and I was cheering England on when they lost against Italy. We really need a good forum to have various topics here :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      Steve, England lost another one to Uruguay.It was a lovely game!! Truly, I love all American especially South American football teams! From European ones, I like Dutch and England. I am happy that Holland took revenge from Spain!! Except for England, I love the world cup this time!!
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, Nice to hear again from you! Its hard! Post break up symptoms are there usually for 6 months! Its tough for all! Most of the time I drink to fill up my lonely times. I also know that my chances are slim! Really slim! Only miracles can make it happen! Today, I was thinking about how needy I had turned once upon a time! Unbelievable!! Apparently, I had lost self-control!! I had turned weak!! How pathetic of me!! But it was me, I can remember that! It was me!! Even now, I still miss her! But I know that there were a lot of changes in me! That "me" is gone!! Yesterday, I was invited to watch World Cup with some Brazilian friends! We were supposed to meet at a bar-restaurant. Ironically, this restaurant was in front of her house! While we were coming back, I watched around to see if I could see her car!! I am sure that I missed her! I wished that we were not broken, so that I could go to her house right after the game, and kiss her and cuddle her!! Anyway, she is not there and she did not respond to me either at the end of 30 days of NC!! So, I hope to see some of those Brazilian girls again!! ha ha ha...
      Reply
  • Musa Ahmed
    Hi all quick update after sending her the birthday message her reply being thanks... She then messaged me several hours later saying can I ask you something? My reply was: ... No reply after that from her I'm thinking what did she want to ask me? Do I still wait a week and drop her a text? I think she just wants to know if I'm still interested I feel she is playing head games? I'm so eager to text her saying what did you want to ask me? I feel like a fool replying ... Any opinions?
    Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      Hi all its been two days since the birthday message etc. Just now I have texted her saying morning How's your day going? I am waiting for the reply afterwards I will ask her what did she want to ask me? Then I'm hoping to text her saying if she will like to go out next week as time is running up and it's the fasting month on the 28th I feel hopeless but I have to stay strong. I hope I haven't messed up. I'm just so curious with what she wants to ask me could be anything I'm so lost!
      Reply
    • David
      Hi Musa, I think sending the "..." was a bit of a mistake, you should of just something normal like "Sure, what is it?" etc But anyways, I think you should wait to see if she replies, if not, just leave it and let her cotnact you...even if she does contact you, I would say DONT ask her what she wanted to ask. This is how I see it...if she is playing headgames with you...then you ahvent risen to it....and if she genuinely wanted to ask you a question...she will still want to ask it again, she possibly just got put off with your "..." answer. She will just be as curious to you, as to why you are NOT asking what she wanted ;) if you see what I mean? I think she will be expecting you to be wondering what she wanted
      Reply
    • a.z
      I think david is right.i kinda think of this as a mindgame. wait for her to contact you and don't ask her about what she was going to say.if it was anything important,she is gonna ask you again anyway.and i think you shouldn't suggest to hang out the first time she contacts you.wait for atleast a couple of short conversations then you can use one of the text messages,so she can see that you are a happy person again,you are not thinking about her all the time,something reminded you of her accidentally,you are confident again and you are not telling her to get back together.
      Reply
  • James
    Hi So basically Iv lost the girl I love..we're broken up 4 months I did no contact after the 3rd month and tried to start a friendship but today she told me she had started to see someone else. It crushed me and I can't be friends with her. Too hard to do, I'm sure most of you understand. I've decided to let her go, cut contact again and get myself to a great place. If we happen we happen I'm just going to let everything run it's course. Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who offered advice and help it's greatly appreciated and to Kevin who's emails I still cannot get enough off. Truley inspiring stuff. Probably won't be on this site much more but Iv learned so much from it and Kevin's emails that I will no doubt take into whatever relationships I will end up in...scary stuff lol. To those who love someone and want it, go after it and never give up. The greatest thing is having that special connection with someone so just don't give up.. I know I'm saying that after saying I'm letting her go but I deep down think we will cross paths again. Again thanks everyone :) feel so liberated ha
    Reply
    • Rihanna
      Hi James, don't give up yet and actually, don't do anything until Kevin comes back in a few days. I find it hard to believe that she's moved on despite seeing someone else I think she must be on a rebound. Be cool about it (I know it's very hard to do) but if she's willing to be your friend still that means there's hope and a good chance that she's not over you. So, be her friend and when around her be the bubbly confident person she fell in love with, that will bring nostalgia to her emotions then take it from there... Good luck!
      Reply
    • James
      Hi Thanks for the advice. It seems like a lost cause being honest. I told her I still had feeling for her and it would be too hard. She then said sorry she thought I just wanted to be friends
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi James Sorry to hear that, but totally understand. I think you get to a stage in the aftermath of a breakup where you start questioning 'Am I putting my life on hold living in the hope that I will get back with my Ex?' It certainly can be a hard stage to be in as there is no solid yes or no answer. All I can suggest is get out there and enjoy life and spend time with other friends and family if possible. Give it a few weeks and just spend time doing stuff for yourself and hopefully in that time your emotions have settled more to decide where you want to head and who knows maybe your Ex will see you out there having fun and she will want to be a part of that too
      Reply
    • a.z
      hi james, I'm sorry to hear this,and i know how much it hurts.but there is a chance that she is in a rebound and i think she still has feelings for you.tell her that you accepted the breakup and understand her and you respect her choice.tell her you are sorry if you acted emotionally and that you will be friends after some times.and wish her the best in her new relationship.don't let her know that you are having a hard time and don't show obsession over the new guy.it is hard but i think this is the best way to get what you want.then work on yourself,enjoy your life,go on dates and wait for her to contact you.if she doesn't,then you can contact her after a few weeks and show that your ok being just friends.
      Reply
    • James
      So we talked after she confirmed she's in a relationship..I wasn't exactly cool about it..I know she has feelings for me I called her on it and she never answered me..also told her I want to meet up cos I know this and she has agreed to meet with me tomorrow
      Reply
    • Dara
      James, Sorry to hear that!! Probably its the toughest thing in the world that you are handling!! I hope I can handle it the same way do it right now, if I hear the same story! I hope you win her again but whatever happens I wish you the best!!
      Reply
    • James
      So we met up tonight..I tried my hardest with her. She's happy with this guy and they're booking a holiday tomorrow. Wrenched my heart out. So just text her there the most heartfelt message wishing her every happiness and that hopefully someday we can get back together but when I'm moved on il contact her as a friend. Hardest break up Iv ever had without doubt and Iv lost an amazing girl..plenty more fish the see though, right? Lol
      Reply
    • Dara
      Sorry to hear this but as you said James, there are tons of fishes in this ocean! There are a lot of stories to begin!! Though, there are some good stories that we never like to get over but who knows maybe the next one is amazing too!!
      Reply
  • Rina
    My ex texted back! Yesterday we talked for a couple hours via text and that seemed to go well. I just sent him another positive memory text and this one is a little risky I would think since it's the first time I've brought up the relationship with him. I'm hoping for a positive response since everything leading up to this text has been so positive. I know it's a slow process but my gut said it was the right time to send the text...now I'm just anxious to see what he says. Fingers crossed it's a positive response!
    Reply
    • Rina
      His responses were really quick too, like he was really engaged in our conversation. I would wait at least five minutes between texts :)
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi Rina, That is really encouraging to hear that you have been having texting conversations your Ex, I would recommend just continue to keep calm. I know from previous experience long ago you can get all excited because you have struck up the friendship again, but you have to remember it is still very fragile and if you appear over eager it could push him away again. I would suggest that you now give him a few days NC and just do some stuff for yourself, unless he initiates a conversation with you, even then just keep it low key. Also keep your ear to the ground for any plans that may be happening with friends in a social setting over the next couple of weeks. ie friends going to the beach, movies or doing something as a group. It could create an opportunity to invite him along too. Good luck
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rina, Its seems you are in right track!! Good luck!
      Reply
    • Rina
      He hasn't texted back. I'm afraid that text might've came across too eager for him, even though I reread it over and over I thought it would've just gave him a positive memory of us. It's hard not to feel totally worthless when your ex doesn't text you back...I'll give it a week of NC before I try talking to him again. I thought I was going so well...is there anyone having success in getting their ex back? He's away for work so he won't be home until August. I know the issues we had can be resolved. I know this is all about patience but it's so hard not knowing :( Any positive thoughts from anyone? I can't seem to shut my mind off now that he hasn't responded. I miss him so much today!
      Reply
  • David
    Hi Guys and gals Bit stuck here!..So my ex started initating contact with me, only small texts here and there...I started to reply but not ask her out and be a bit more Aloof with her...I think shes noticed. Anyways she starts today asking how I am (small talk) etc...Then she sends me these emails "You know although we dont work I really do miss you as a person and stuff! I just feel all on my own ha! Obv got my mam and that but cant always have a laugh and stuff with her " Anyways, A few more emails of me kinda avoiding getting into the whole "missing" thing and just explaining politely and cooly that, we were so close as friends ccoz I had feelings Now shes asking if ive met someone!...Ive avoided the question a few times and she said "its not a bad thing if you have" and Ive agreed its not a bad thing, although havent gave her a direct answer! What should I do? Why is she asking me? I actually dont see what the point is...we are on talking terms...I dont want to lie by saying I have, when I havent....but I dont want her thinking she ahs me as a backup plan! Thanks a lot!!
    Reply
    • a.z
      hey david, i thinks she still has feelings for you and she cares about you.she is also hurt from the break up and she is confused and that's why one time she says she misses you,one time says it's not gonna work and one time asks if you have met someone.don't let her notice that you get upset,be cool.for now don't bring up anything about getting back together.tell her that you just want to be friends with her.and seriously,act like a friend.let her understand that your ok being just friends,then you can talk to her and meet her without being needy.and about her question,tell her you went out with friends and met new people but you were not officially dating with a special person.i know how confusing these feeling are but trust me it's not as complicated as we make it.try to be cool and don't rush things.
      Reply
    • david
      Hi a.z thanks for the reply again :) Basically think I did all the things you said to do except about the special person. I kinda tried side stepping but she pressed, so I just answered honestly and said no. Then basically after that 2 more emails small talk but not specific about my answer or her question. I'll see what happens over next few days, she might be popping out on Saturday with me and my friends, but not that I asked, it's mutual friends etc
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    Hi Everyone, Since ever my ex posted a piece of work on his facebook that we did together and I helped him in it a lot I've been feeling sick and having mixed emotions. I've completely ignored his status of course, didn't like or comment or anything but I completely ignored it but I'm sad that he is well enough to go on facebook and whatsapp but fails to acknowledge me. I still have some of my things at his and I would want them back eventually, perhaps soon, and I don't know how to approach him about my stuff after my NC. I'm thinking of sending him the 'something reminds me of you' text in about a month time and if he doesn't reply I'll give it few weeks before I request my things to be dropped off somewhere where it would be easier access for me to collect. Any advice on this? I feel sick and disappointed what an a**hole he turned out to be... especially cos i've done NOTHING wrong to hurt him and don't know where this awful attitude is coming from. Anyway, your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
    Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, See the positive side! He posted something that you both accomplished together! So, he remembers you! You should not freak out on such things. Instead simply follow the plan! Also, I recommend you to use hand written letter! Such letters have stronger effect than anything else! Good luck!!
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Dara, always good to hear from you especially when you answer a question that's been on my mind for a while without me asking first. So, you think I should do the hand-written letter? He loves my hand writing but I don't know what to say in it other than the odd thank you, I accept which is nice but won't instigate a proper response like a quick text with half shared info. Do you think it's a good idea to make him bit jealous in my letter or text? Not in a bad way or that I'm seeing someone new kind of way but rather in a friendly endearing way... I could use info about us and reflect it back to tweak a bit of jealousy in him but not make him angry. What do you think? How would you feel if you received a hand written letter after a break up? wouldn't you think: "OMG she hand wrote me a letter cos I've ignored her texts, what a desperato!"? My 30 days end in a couple of days but I've extended my NC until next month (july 5) the day we met... What would be the best thing to write to instigate a response and make him wonder for real? Thanks heaps Dara. Hope you've been well :)
      Reply
    • RAED
      Rihanna, Dara isaright. It is something positive that he posted both your work it means he's not bitter nor mad because if he is then he would get rid of anything that reminds him of you. I think he posted it on facebook because it is there where you can see it unlike on whatsapp,etc. I think it is his subtle way of lettingyou know he misses you. Maybe he thought if ever he will be posting that and you are well aware that it is both yourwork, he might be expecting thatyou will contact him first to talk about that thing he posted then later on talk about rando things. But I suggest don't get too excited and break the NC yet. I can see he is somehow missing you, maybe you can still prolong the NC until he will realize that you don't care anymore and maybe you might have moved on already. If I am right with my interpretation, i can see that in the days to come if you won't break NC, he'll be the ons to come running desperately back at you. Idon't mean to give you false hope but it is what I feel. Anwyway, continue doing NC. :)
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    • Rihanna
      Thank you Raed, I pray to God that that's the case with him... he hasn't been on fb and only came on to post the piece we worked on but again why doesn't he message me especially after I texted and called him like crazy for two weeks after we broke up (yes I went nuts lol). Anyway, if my story ends up positively then there's hope for everyone here ... your message gave me some hope and sort of took some hurt away, I hope all goes well with you also and thank you for your positive message regardless of the outcome :)
      Reply
    • RAED
      Rihanna, I guess he is not responding because you are acting clingy and desperate. i think he is afraid that if he will respond to your messages, he might be giving you false hope of getting back together IMMEDIATELY. I think he is just as confused as you are. But he is trying to deal with the situation using logic and not emotions just loke what you do. I think there is still a chance for the two of you since that what his act means to me. But he still appears distant and cold because you are being pushy in getting back. Give him sometime to know himself that he wants this relationship because if you will continue being pushy, he might get back with you just because he is feeling guilty. You habe broken up with each other because he is not that stable and as a man, it hurts his ego. If you appear clingy then he will think breaking up is the right decision bec you are both weak at the moment. Give him time to sort out his feelings and give yourself that time too.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Raed, your advice is great... I only acted clingy for the first two weeks but I've been in NC for almost a month! I can't believe I made it a month and I have been socialising and looking after myself but in the meantime I'm getting a lot of comfort on this site that I'm finding myself that I'm happier coming here and venting than to actually do the 'getting back with ex' hahaha... But you are right in every aspect. Do you think he'll respond to my text or message me if I don't? Do you think he's missing me? you seem to have read him like a book is Raed your real name or are you him in disguise? hahahahaha...
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, To my understanding, a hand written letter is much stronger that a text! Maybe, he will preserve it somewhere or simply put it on his desk and read it over and over! For text message, he will probably delete it when his inbox is full! Especially in your case, that he is not in good condition, it is more likely that he is not after another girl. So, don't hurry! About the post, maybe he is getting afraid that you are already over him, so he wanted you to miss him! Maybe he wants to make you contact him! Maybe there are thousand of other maybes, but who knows which one is truth! He will contact you whenever he feels its the right moment. Let him feel that there is a right moment by being cool! Have a great one!! PS: The format of the mail is already there in this site!
      Reply
  • RD
    Hey Kev... so,my ex contacted me and he wants to get back together..we broke up before 2,5 months (i told you the story before),but since then,i met this new guy,who is 22 and 17..he lives in a different city than me,2 hours away,but he comes to mine really often because his family is here.We've been talking on skype for more than 5 hours a day,and he is really great.He is really mature and he knows what a woman wants..He's been great to me,listening me and have been here for me,i really like him and i can see a future with him...Before my ex initiated contact with me,i have been missing him a lot but now i don't know...I really like this new guy but i still love my ex and i know that my ex loves me.This new guy is black and my father is really racist so if i want to date him,i will have to do it one year secretly since i'm going to France to study in one year,and we've been talking with this new guy that he can come to visit me (we aren't together yet)...But then i don't know if i can have a long distance relationship with him without even having it close at first..I love my ex and want to give it a shot but i don't want to go back to the same old stuff,having him hurt me over and over again,make me cry,and just break up with me so easily like he did before...I know that this new guy would never hurt me like that and i'm afraid if i stop talking to him for my ex,and i get hurt,i will regret it deeply letting him go because he is really great..please help me ASAP !! thankss!Any other responses are welcome
    Reply
    • Dara
      RD, I don't want to judge or suggest anything, because I believe its you who has to ultimately decide but there are two point that I have learnt recently here that I would like in restate: 1-If this new guy you are with is not rebound by the definition, I should say that you are in honeymoon stage with him and everything seems rosy at this moment. Can't really say he will never leave you. Every relation starts great! 2-Many believe that after the breakup, reunification is hardly as strong as it was before breakup. In other words, second breakup is more likely when the first one has already occurred because there exists some fundamental problems.
      Reply
    • Dara
      PS: I did not want to make negative sentences here. Sorry if it looks like. I simply did not want to value one of them over the other! Hopefully relationship with anyone of them should be great and full of joy for you!! Good luck in making your decision RD!
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    • RD
      Thank you so much for your response..at the beginning the new guy seemed like a rebound but now that my ex is in the picture i'm challenged between them..i need to have a face to face chat with my ex first and discuss some things....truth is i don't want to hurt this new guy either because he seems really great!
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      RD, sorry to interfere but I suggest you stay away from this new guy or keep it platonic at least until you sort out your feelings and your previous relationship with your ex. Otherwise, you won't only end up hurting both guys but you'll get hurt DOUBLE to learn that you may lose them both because of your rash decision. IMO tell the new guy that you're not ready yet for a new relationship but you value his friendship and let things grow organically from there... if it's meant to be and you two end up together than great if not at least you wouldn't ruin a friendship. Also, I think you're keeping your ex on the side so that if things don't go well with the new guy you'd rebound back to your ex and vice versa (sorry if this is harsh) but I care and advice you to sort yourself out, your feelings and YOU until you become whole again before seeing someone new. I'm telling you this from experience and would hate to see you hurt because I didn't give this advice. I wish you the very best, good luck xx
      Reply
    • RAED
      RD, Hey, so you are saying that this new guy is great and good and mature and you see a future with him. And you are sure that he wouldn't hurt you. But how sure are you? I mean, honeymoon stage feels great but you haven't seen yet the real him not unless you go into a relationship with him. And the things you are telling us about the new guy, isn't it the things you are telling yor friends when you are just getting to know your ex-lover? I suggest don't jump and grab him right away. The fact that you still feel for youe ex can be considered that somehow this 'new' great guy is a rebound. We humans get thrilled by the unknown so it excites you to be with this new guy because you already know howit might end up with your ex again. This new guy might be better than the ex orcould be worse. I guess you find him great just because you are broken at the moment and any amount of affection and appreciation from others, no matter how little, you get turned on and hyped up so easily I suggest you get away for awhile from them both. Maybe you have stronger feelings for the new guy because it is something NEW. It is exciting because you don't know what's in store. It gives you a hope that this time you'll make it right and good. But do you really lovd him? Or mahbe you are just overwhelmed by his presence because it allows you to forget for a while or distract you in the problem you have with your ex. I dont think jumping intosomeone new willhelp, it might make it even worse. Give your timeto think and heal for awhile. You wouldnt want this another relationship to be another heartbreak again. Assess yourself first
      Reply
    • RAED
      RD, I can see that you are playing safe bacause you said you are afraid to not talk to the new guy to clarify things with your ex. It is human nature to playsafe but it is unfair. Whether you lose your ex, you have this new guy. Or when you lose this new guy, you still have your ex. If thatbnew guy reallyis great, hewill understand if you will ask him some time to think becaussyou've just broken up. You are in your most vulnerable stage that whatever affection you get, you feel so loved. So maybe you are just mistaken that you like thisnewguy when in fact you just get excitedbecause come on, who wouldnt?! But isnt that also what you feel with your ex before? It is hard to weigh te pros and cons and hard to compare because tho they are guys they arenot on the same page. You cannot compare a new guy to theoldguy. And chances are the new guy will win because you find him amazing and you no longer like yor ex because you have seen his flaws and all. Do NC on them both for you to be able to assess. It is still early to jump into a new reationship. It is like you were wounded and you put a band aid on it instead of cleaning it and allowing it sometime to heal. When you jump into this new guy and the moment you see his flaws, will it not end in break-up this timd? Allow yourself to grieve firstbecause i think you are not getting the whole picture. You wouldn't want to carry past baggage into your new one. Goodluck!
      Reply
    • RD
      THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR AMAZING ANSWERS!! YOU REALLY MADE ME THINK ABOUT THINGS THAT I HAVEN'T THANK YOU SOO MUCH!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU HELPED ME,YOU ARE AMAZING PEOPLE!
      Reply
    • RD
      Thing is,i don't know if i can see the new guy friendly,we've been skyping for many hours and i think i have to cut it off to smaller periods of time.
      Reply
  • Musa Ahmed
    Got the text message after I wished her happy birthday saying: Thanks.. What text message do I send her after two weeks? Kevin?
    Reply
    • a.z
      hey musa, there are couple of examples in the 5step plan.the text should be like 1) something happened in your life that reminded you of her. 2) reminding her of good moments you had together. 3)letting her know that you are having fun in your life and meeting new people. the text should't be too short or too long and it should be all positive. you can read the examples if you need to understand it better.
      Reply
    • a.z
      and kevin is not here untill june 24th.
      Reply
  • Derek
    Hey Kevin, just wondering, is it necessary, you think, to apologize in the letter if I've already done it a few days after the breakup? Cheers! and thanks in advance.
    Reply
  • Musa Ahmed
    I was about 26 days in no contact and I have wished her happy birthday today. I have kept the birthday message short let's see if I get a reply. What do I do? Go no contact again? For how long? Thank you
    Reply
  • Trina
    So we basically broke it off 3 weeks ago because of us constantly fighting. I used to be very needy andy clingy esp the last 2 weeks of the relationship. We are LD and that took a toll on us. We said that we would take some time off until he would come back home in exactly one month. I did NC for 3 days and then he called me on Skype crying and saying he missed me and stuff. It was so nice talking to him again that way. We again said that we would talk in person once he's back. However, I called him twice to see how he is, I missed him a lot and couldn't do NC. He responded saying sweet words but not as the time he called. I told him that I don't think of us as broken up and he aggreed. I let a week pass and then called again, to find him telling me he wanted to call me too because things were not going ok with him, problems with work, his schedule was not going as planned. He said it was nice having to talk to me about everything. We talked again once more after a couple days, but that time he was not in the same mood, he told me that we are broken up and that I was being pushy and that he didn't want to talk about the relationship at all, which I didn't want either in the first place and the call was about other stuff we were doing at the time, but we ended up talking about us somehow. He kinda seemed intoxicated and acting all strange. I didn't like his behavior and asked to end the call, however I felt bad afterwards and sent him I'm sorry if I was pushy. He didn't respond. We haven't talked in 5 days and in 10 days he's coming back. He also told me that he hadn't really done any serious thinking about us because of his heavy schedule these days, which I don't really know how to react to, because it's all I've been thinking lately. Do I have a chance? I'll be doing NC until he's back and wait for him to call once he's here.
    Reply
    • a.z
      hey trina, i think,yes.you do have a chance.but you need to follow the plan.if you have been acting needy you shouldn't break NC for 30 days.this will change his visions of you as a needy pushy person.if he contacts you many times,just tell him you need some space and that you will contact him later.you need to do NC for your own good.to feel better, be a happy person and let him miss you and find that he might lose you forever.don't let him think your available whenever he wants.
      Reply
  • Sarah
    Hi Kevin I don't know if you still have links to my past comments explaining my situation? But anyway after just over a month of no contact my ex texted me last night asking how I am with kisses at the end like he used to when we were still together. I responded saying I'm good and asked about him but put no kisses back. He asked about everything else and I just responded back neutrally. I obviously want him back but I responded in a way so he doesn't think I will just come running back to him. Was this the right decision? My dad is scaring me saying I've acted too cold and he will lose interest, is that true? Have I blown my chance?
    Reply
    • Daniel
      I think you did great. You showed syrength and power. In my opinion you shouldve been a little upbeat but its no big deal. If he texts you again be more welcoming but not too much. If he doesnt contact you. Contact him after 2 weeks IF nc is over.
      Reply
    • a.z
      congratulations sarah, you did great.don't be too cold.be friendly but don't let him think you are flirting with him.don't be available all the time and when you are on a conversation, be nice and cool and positive,show him you are having a great life.don't always initiate contact first let him chase you some times.i think this way you will increase the chances that he suggest the meet up.good luck !!!
      Reply
    • Dara
      Sarah, I believe you did it in the best way. It was strong and concrete! Now he will think, "WTF, why is she cold? Is she over me?" Probably contact you again to see what going on! ha ha ha
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    OMG! my ex posted something on facebook for the FIRST time since we departed and he posted something (though about his work) but it's something we both worked together on and spent a lot of time and emotion on this project. Does that mean he misses me? (that's plain stupid thinking I think) or did he post that because it's the last project he did? Or because I messaged his brother briefly (see my other comment) to check up on him it's a way to tell me he's still alive? (lol). I feel very sick my stomach is churning after seeing it, I'm shaking (how pathetic!) Obviously I'm still bit weak :( ... By the way, I went out yesterday for bbq at friends and had a great time and today had lunch with my sister... so I'm not obsessing!
    Reply
    • Jeff
      Good for you for going out and having fun. I have found going out helps unless I get really drunk so I don't do that anymore and it feels great. I would say yes he misses you. I would suggest not messaging his brother unless you 2 are really good friends and I wouldn't talk about your ex. They are brothers so they will share it. It took me a bit to really stop finding ways to check on my ex but it will help you once you do it. I am just about at the contact point this week and I am really excited about it:) I feel good about myself and really enjoying life!! I will be a changed man when we do get to meet!! Best of luck to you! PS this song helps me feel better. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izkqPdVAdL4
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Dear Jeff, I just read your comment on one of my older messages and would like to thank you for your support and for recommending the song 'Something like Olivia' - it's great! I hope the reason I haven't seen you much here is because you've resolved your 'ex' issue and are happy with your life. All the best :) PS: This forum needs better arrangement cos it's hard to follow up with everyone's comments in the way it is...
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Dont fret over it. Its hard to assume things because we wouldnt know for sure. As kevin will always say. Ignore it. Assuming things give you expectations. And if you are wrong youll just get hurt and be back at being sad. Just ignore it for now. He may miss you but he doesnt want to talk to you because if he does he would already have.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      You are absolutely right Daniel, thank you very much for your advice and support... I'm not even bothered by it anymore... I hope you've been well :)
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Guys, Guys my ex wont respond to me. I assume im at deaths door now. But honestly im tired. Im feeling better and excellent but every failed attempt is disappointing. Its like a major set back. You feel a bit of pain in your chest and you have to recover again. This process is tiring me out seriously, it's draining, ut sucks the life out of me. I think ill be giving up sooner than i anticipated. I think its best if i move on. I wont initiate any contact anymore. Shes a great woman one of a kind ofcourse because each one of us is unique. But ill find something different. I feel down right now although not intense. I wish us all the best.
    Reply
    • a.z
      daniel, don't give up just because you'r at death's door.i came out of it 3 days ago.and it's not impossible to get out of.it's good that you feel ok to move on.enjoy your life,just give it some more time,even start a new relationship but then if u feel something for her i think there is chance to make the situation better.if you'v read ryan's relationship rewind that's what he suggested.anyways wish u all the best luck :)
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Congrats az! You just passes through deaths door!
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, I understand you. My ex also did not respond to my mail as well as my text. I am also in the stage of almost giving up on her. I already knew that I am on the death door stage. I even don't hope for the 60th day. I pretty sure that she won't respond to my next text too. What makes me still hold is that some portion of brain is crying for it but not the majority. Anyway, I am still there. LOL Also by comparing your first week of break and now, you should congratulate yourself for such an improvement! For me, I am glad that I saw the mail suggestion here, so my mail was not on begging for a come back, but it was on saying that breakup was the best to our relationship and we still need some more time and space before becoming friends. I even apologized her for writing so many love letters after the breakup and related them to my unstable mind after the breakup and that more thoughts are required for such letters. It was truly manly! I loved it! Daniel, my foremost motive is/was to make her understand that I was on top of her the first time we met and it ended (psychologically) the same way. I am truly happy with the NC. Probably I won't get her back but I will get back my manly image in her mind! Even move on is more manly, Daniel and more independent move! Be glad and congratulate yourself. Open up a bottle of beer and enjoy it! Cheers!!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Thanks guys. I am actually happy for myslef because i made a lot of progress. Maybe i just cant fully let go of her yet. Ill really open a beer! Haha! Cheers!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      I completely forgot. Today is the 3rd month of our breakup lol
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, You comment made me laugh! I will also drink tonight and celebrate regaining my mental health! Whenever I drink, I don't even think about sending texts!! I love this feeling!! Cheers to us!!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Yep. Drinking to celebrate is different. It adds more joy and satisfaction. Cheers to us! Cheers to our minds that got over our hearts!
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Hi Daniel and everyone, Daniel, do NOT give up just yet. It seems that wherever I go there's a conciliation story of some sort between couples and unfortunately it's instilling false hope in me though I have this intense feeling that the stubbornness and pride of my ex won't allow reconciliation to happen anytime soon. But most reconciliations happen after a long time has passed and only reunited these couples through pure luck or fate. So, yes there's some hope in reconciling but unfortunately this may happen only when least expected, and not during NC, or when you've moved away and moved on. I'm saying this from other couple's experiences and ,just to be clear, I never initiated this sort of conversation it just happened. Also, I may have made a mistake but not sure and I need advice on how to fix it or whether it was the right thing to do or not. Well, my ex's brother changed his profile picture to a pitch black nothing and that got me very worried especially cos my ex is not well. So I sent his brother a brief message on facebook saying: "Dear x, your profile picture got me very worried. Merely as a friend I should be worried so I hope you could find it in your heart to answer to this message and let me know if there's anything wrong, if only a few words of comfort. I do hope you're all well and good luck with your exams." I'm worried that I may have done wrong by messaging? I am worried about my ex and perhaps the choice of his profile pic seems bit irresponsible on his brother's behalf. What can I do to right this wrong? (if it's wrong, I'm not sure). And if I don't get an answer at all from his brother what should I do then? I'm extending NC another month I think. But in your opinion, do you think it's completely over if my ex ignores my message when I text him in a month time? Plus, he's kept my books at his place does that mean that one day we'll have to get in contact to collect my stuff at least? What does it mean when a guy agrees to keep his ex girlfriend's stuff at his place but ignores her messages? I'm feeling bit down today, the more I socialise the more I realize how much we're good together... Any advice? any help?
      Reply
    • Daniel
      rihanna, I think you shouldnt have messaged him. You were just assuming that his action of changing his profile pic has something to do with your ex. and due to emotion and attachment to your ex you cant help but ask him about it. Look. It came from you. Try to move ln first. Settle down. In ny opinion you are still addicted to your ex coz you still worry about him to much even with little things. First of all let go of his brother. I think he is not helping. In my case i am close to my ex's sister because she is my friend really. I dont use her to get close to my ex. I dont miss my ex when im around her and im not asking for updattes about my ex. I just vent out my feelings and sadness to her just what friends would do. Read articles about how to move on and how to heal a broken heart. Dont be afraid. I was also hesitant at first but it will help you ease the pain and sorrow. Goodluck!
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Daniel. You're right I should just ignore everything about my ex and his surroundings. I'm not bothered by it though. Your advice and support are much appreciated. Good luck on your end and if she doesn't come back, someone and something better out there await, that hope is beautiful in itself.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, Today I felt what you mean by getting tired! This evening, I was tired! Tired of my undecided mind!!
      Reply
    • RAED
      Rihanna, I can see how attached you are to your ex. How long have you broken up? I guess it's time to quit it. Not quit hoping for a reconciliation but quit contact. Quit any contact. Ive read through forums that they should have learned about Nc as early as the breakup because most of them are regretting of the whole begging, pleading thing. I hate to break it to you and i know how much you are hurting but i would like to tell you something because i know it might help and orevent further damage to you emotionally. The more you make yourself available to your ex, the more he feels empowered. Because he sees you are not yet over him. He plays this game on you and you allow him to. The more you make yourself available to him most of the time the more he will not value your presenceimply because you were never absent. Do yoursef a favor, QUIT ANY CONTACT. No matter if he is sick or whatever drama he gives yiu. He is enjoyinh his little game for sure. I know how cliche it is to love yourself and that you deserve better but come to think of it, the boy you are most worried and concerned about, does he think about you? Does he care abut you? You know the answer. He is taking time to do better without you, why not do the same? Sometimes it takes a lot of hurting to learn. And i would rather hurt you with the truth than to allow him to playyou more. The more you run after him the more he feels empowered, the more he can feel that HE IS IN CONTROL and he is your toy. You are allowing yourself to be a doormat and guess what, it is very unattractive. Rihanna, i know it is hard. But somehow i have pulled myself out a bit of that running after thing so i want to be of help to you. Do no contact. Dont tell him why or how or until when. Do NC suddenly. In that way he will get confused, esp if you have been so clingy then did no contact. It will confuse him, it will remove his power of pkayinghis games on you. He will suddenly feel un-empoweredbecause you are no longer his toy and doormat. He will suddenly panic into thinking that you finally get tired. No matter how much he contacfsyou dont show any interest.appear casual because if you apear clingy again, he will think that you are still weak. Show him wht he's lost. The moment you stop running after him, the moment he will get confused. And if you become consistent in NC, he might be the one to run after you this time. Just do NC now and if you ever get him back, you can thank me later haha. But if not, ask yourself if you would want a boy who doesnt want you. Goodluck, and keep us updated!
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you very much Raed, I've been doing NC and I'm three days away from completing 30 days but I'm even extending it. I'm in NO CONTACT with him whatsoever but I vent in here cos I miss him and sometimes wonder if he does. But I totally agree with you, I'll never give him the power to make me feel weak cos that's unattractive even to myself. I did act clingy when we first broke up but that's history now! I'll let you know when I contact him in few weeks time if he'll respond and I might get you guys to check my first message to him for some advice. For now, I'm holding on and enjoying life... thanks heaps for your support
      Reply
    • RAED
      Daniel, How can you say you are on death's door? Maybe she's moved on or on the process but is really firm with her decision of breaking up. I'm on NC for a week now. And I miss her at tines but not like the crazy miss. At times i want her back but i tell myself that i just miss her not love her. And somehow it helped me to accept the breakup because somehow i really did. I don't know if it will be time for you to move on unless we hear from Kevin but I think you should somehow consider moving on. I told myself that if I can go through a month of NC with herstill not initiating contact, i will move on. I wouldnt want to waste days and months of doing NC and wanting her in the back of my mind. I guess it is wrong to do NC with the purpose of expecting her to want you back. I guess the main purpose of NC is for you to go on with life without her and atthe same time little by little moving on. For me, i will just be wasting days and months if i will still run after her after the NC, IMO. If you did Nc for months and expect her to want you back, you just wasted those months still clinging unto her instead of feeling good alone for the time being. When you do NC then she wouldnt contact you, you'll just feel disappointed and hurt and you will see yourself back again to square one. You'll not notice that a year had gone by already on you werent still able to move on. Kevin said if she's cold then be cold. If she's playing hard to get then let her. You can do the NC again but this time consider moving on too. You'll never know if she needs a year or so to heal and to take away the negative image you have on her. It will be hard, brother but you have to save yourself too. Goodluck! Keep us updated!
      Reply
  • Rina
    I've talked to my ex on three separate occasions via text. I initiated two and he initiated one. All were short and sweet and positive from what I could tell. I texted him yesterday a funny meme and told him how it reminded me of a past time we had. The past time wasn't romantic but it was filled with great conversation. Anyway, he hasn't replied to it at all. He works where sometimes they can lose cell reception but from what I could tell he was in a place with reception for a while before losing service. What would cause him to not respond? How long should I wait to initiate talking again?
    Reply
    • Dara
      Rina, As far as I can recollect, you did a great job last time. Making him initiate a talk was superb. For now, don't think negative. Maybe he had/has a real busy day. For next times, I recommend you to ask him for out. I am not sure but "good-old memory" message is sweet for once but it will be too sugary if you use it more. Face to face conversation can spark a lot of positive emotions. All you can do now is to wait for a while. Maybe a couple of days and then initiate another conversation. Good luck!!
      Reply
    • Rina
      Dara, Thanks so much for being here for me. Since we have kind of a long distance relationship I think I need to build a little bit more rapport before seeing him face to face. He's going to be gone until August (he'll work three months straight) so it'll be a little hard to see if/when I can visit him. I think I might've been too sugary, but after his reply I was going to start asking about his work to get him off that subject. I think waiting a few days will be a good idea. I'm starting to get anxious and that can't be a good mindset if I want to get him back. Thanks!
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rina, Anyhow you wouldn't see him until August. So you've got enough time to play it cool. Take this time to prove him that you are mentally strong. This will make him miss you when he comes back. When you talk to him before he's back, try to have it on Skype. Good luck!!
      Reply
    • Rina
      Dara, Do you really think this will help him miss me? I'm sure he has to already miss me a little after dating two years and having all these serious plans.. Plus, coming home to no one and an empty apartment is going to hit him eventually, right?
      Reply
    • a.z
      hey guys, i think dara is right,be cool and confident this is really attractive.try to have the conversation on skpe or anything like that then be funny and positive or everything you know he likes about you.this will make him miss you more.don't bring up anything about the breakup or any negative memory.show that your doing great in your life without him and you are successful and enjoying your life,talk about the good things you are doing with your friends,this makes him want to be next to you when your having such a great life and also show your support about what he is doing.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rina, As Kevin's articles say, yes he will miss you. He already missed you a bit. Also, as Kevin's articles say, every missing someone does not guarantee reunification. They are two different aspects. An empty house will probably make him miss old good days more but, is that still sufficient enough for him to make a move towards you, no one can say. For now you simply prove yourself and him that you are a strong independent girl. That is more attractive. Good luck!!
      Reply
    • a.z
      hey guys, i think dara is right,be cool and confident this is really attractive.try to have the conversation on skpe or anything like that then be funny and positive or everything you know he likes about you.this will make him miss you more.don't bring up anything about the breakup or any negative memory.show that your doing great in your life without him and you are successful and enjoying your life,talk about the good things you are doing with your friends,this makes him want to be next to you when your having such a great life and also show your support about what he is doing.
      Reply
  • Daniel
    I texted my ex today. She didnt reply lol. Start of classes are tomorrow and its a holiday today in our country. So i grabbed the opportunity to greet her and wish her luck on her studies. I also tried to create false friendship. I said that i hope in time we can be friends coz she is a good person. It would be nice and cool. And not a budge. Now im watching her social media to see what she feels about my message. I also noticed that shes in a lot of pain right now trying to release it through quotes and random messages. She also tweeted to one of her buddies that she might have done bad decisions. Im not assuming it pertains to us. But i hope so! Haha! So there you go. Anyway i am moving on for the good of myself. :)
    Reply
  • Daniel
    I just received kevin's last email in the series. It was sad. His emails were really a bug help. Even the last one still gave me hope that i can get her back. Thanks to kevin everyone here finds comfort. I am aware that somehow that he is slowly teaching us to move on but at the same time gives us hope and a foghting chance to get our exes back. You are a great person. Helping people in despair. Though i cant give you anything. I appreciate you a lot. You really helped me in an emotional level. I cant thank you enough for what you did to me. I am also studying about breakups and female psychology. In time i hope to return the favor by passing it on. After my ordeal has passed i will still try to stay active here and give suggestions and comfort to others. We owe a lot to you kevin. Thank you.
    Reply
    • a.z
      he is amazing,i can't imagine how i have always been acting wrong in my relationships.he helped me a lot and i wish i could do something for him in return.he helped me through those horrible nights,he changed my life.changed my perspective of life and relationship.i learned alot its kinda crazy but till now i have helped 3 of my friends in their relationships LOL. when it comes to my own relationship i still get a little confused but i'm working myself. now i feel kevin is like a friend that has always been supportive and now that he is away i kinda miss him.
      Reply
    • RAED
      Daniel, I agree! Kevin's way gives us hope of reconciliation witj our exes but at the same time teaches us how to move on in a healthy way. I didn't think that two ironic things could go together but it somehow did. It's like getting your ex back but more on how to get ourselves back. Thank you so much, Kevin. God bless your heart.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daneil, a.z. and RAED, I believe Kevin witnesses people who are lost and wounded in the jungle of their relationship come here. Also, he guides them until they are somehow found and healed. Even though many start their stories by phrases like, "My case is very special", I believe to Kevin its the same old story. Yet, his response is implies, "Yes, lets see what can we do" I should confess that I was one of those who would suggest that you should bluntly tell a friend to move on, if they broke up. Guess what!! My best friend in this town did it to me and I never spoke about my feeling about to him anymore. However, Kevin does it with the knowledge of psychology. He does it with style! Thank you Kevin!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Guys, Is there a way we can talk more conviniently and get in touch better? Like a facebook group chat or some sort. Do u know anything like that? I believe it would benefit us all. :)
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Guys, Is there a way we can talk more conviniently and get in touch better? Like a group chat or some sort. Do u know anything like that? I believe it would benefit us all. :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, I guess this is okay for now. Maybe later Kevin can add an open forum for discussions but there are chances it get out of control with unrelated remarks. About other options, it is highly important to be anonymous. Its a secret meeting between us here! LOL
      Reply
    • Steve
      Yeah I like that idea too and hopefully it can get suggested to Kevin about creating a proper forum to share, discuss and encourage. I know I mentioned a few days ago, but like Rihanna I went across to the forum that Kevin linked and it is populated by the same 2-3 people who are very harsh and critical. One of the posters says almost the same thing in every thread and she has posted over 5000 times. It really shuts you down in a negative way, that's why I like coming back here most days as you get solid support from Kevin and from all you :)
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    • Steve
      I support this message in saying that Kevin with his daily emails has helped me the most over the past 6 weeks. You are doing a great job Kevin, thank you very much. I like the fact how you can balance out keeping hope alive for us, but still helping us prepare for the worst case scenario. Plus I have to say this has been by far the best community of readers around in supporting one another. I put that down to the fact we are all in the same position. Thanks again Kevin
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Steve, I enjoyed reading your message and I think I may have a friend in that neighbour of yours 'the lady with 20 cats' lol. I really enjoy it here as well, I think the genius about Kevin's forum is that it's open for everyone to come together and share their stories about something we all have in common, unfortunately. In any event, it's been great to meet new people and I feel like I've made friends on this forum. This might sound big cheesy lol, but it would be sad to cut connections with each other cos I've received more support from your guys than people that I've known for years. It has been hard and I'm trying to move on as we all are but I have this 'hopeful' feeling that great things are awaiting and all I have to do is let go of all the fear... Thank you very much for your congratulatory words and I wish us all a better future and brighter days ahead. All my love to you all xxx
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    • Dara
      Dear friends, Can I ask you about the contradictory parts of your brain and relate it to your NC day? I am on 50th day of NC. Recently, the part that says "being single is the best" has been suppressing others. Maybe because I am getting to conclusion that reconciliation is close to impossible because apart from her, apparently her friends also don't have positive view about me. Who cares? LOL
      Reply
    • a.z
      dara, after my ex and i broke up i went on NC about a month and i was ok with being single.it was like one day i missed him so much and the next day i was ok with it.he texted me on 34th day and contacted me and i felt in love with him all over again.also most of his friends didn't have a positive view about me but i don't care,if we are supposed to get back and we act the right way,we will.this is when you want her back.but if your brain is telling you that you are ok being off without your ex most of the time,and you think its best for you not to get back,then i think you should continue your NC untill you make sure how u really feel for her.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Congratulations to you a.z!! It great to hear that you made him contact you!! I will keep you advice in my mind. This is what I am doing for now. Good luck to you!!
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    Dear everyone, Today I'm feeling pretty low and miss him a lot. The hard part is that I live back with my family and there's zero sympathy (not because I've done something wrong but they've always been that way, so I'm not surprised). It's been really hard because I feel lonely though I live with others and when I was alone I felt less loneliness, weird! But every time something positive happens to me no one cares, every person in my life atm is living in their own bubble. I'm getting published and the first thing I hear from my family is 'what a waste of time and energy, go do something that'll get you more money' and the thing is I am. I'm going to college and there is plenty of job prospects in what I'm doing but this move is very fresh, it's only been a month and I need time to adjust and start my life over. Then, this morning I wake up and guess who invades my thoughts first thing? yes, my ex. I'm not wallowing in pain and agony over him but yesterday I was determined to get over my past and today is a different story. He's there, my logic says there's no future with this guy but my heart is fighting that notion. I guess if the heart did have a brain none of us would be in this situation. Is anyone else struggling today? How do you 'un-miss' somebody you love?
    Reply
    • Ruth
      hang in there.. I think it is a process. It is perfectly normal to feel fine one minute and then miss him the next. That has been my experience. I think you just have to sit with it (while still going on with your life and doing good things for YOU), and also have compassion for yourself. I find that hard because I want to feel okay now, and am tired of this process.. but it is what it is. I really miss my ex today too. :/ Yesterday, I was a bit better. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Also, I came across this tonight (and then proceeded to bawl my eyes out while reading it) but people do have helpful advice in it: http://ask.metafilter.com/240189/Still-miss-my-ex-and-struggling-to-move-on
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, Take it easy girl. It is a normal feeling that we all have. Time will make the intensity these contradictory feelings low and lower. Just wait and see.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you very much for your support Ruth and Dara, and good luck to you also. We all need to hang in there and see, I'm hopeful for what the future may bring but hopefully that 'hope' isn't coming from denial and the 'hope' I'll reconnect with him some day. I'm also scared of growing old lonely and alone with nothing to share and no love. I'm scared of becoming that bitter-old-woman with a million cat (lol) that people avoid and in the end die alone. I'm scared of not reaching 'independence' a path I've never taken before and in the end to end up homeless and hungry. All this fear will either hinder my growth or drive me to new heights in life. I hope what we're going through today will only give us a new found strength for a better tomorrow. Good luck!
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi Rihanna First off, well done on getting published. I know you have mention before that you write poetry, so that's very impressive that you are getting your work published. No matter how big or small the work is you should be celebrating and not letting others (even family) knock you back for achieving this. Interesting hope has been on the front of my thoughts for the last couple of days. Yesterday I went for a drive to a town about a hour up the coast from where I live and just walked around for a couple of hours and enjoyed a coffee. I think it was the first real thing that I've done for me alone without any ulterior motive of trying to impress the Ex. I spent some of that time just thinking about hope as the email I got from Kevin yesterday was talking about having an abundance mentality. That there are plenty of opportunities out there to find new love and with that attitude we are in a good place of being attractive to our Ex again. I know how it feels to think that this is it, no more chances for you. That is a big struggle with myself and honestly I did have a laugh about the comment of owning a million cats. In my neighbourhood there is a cat lady who owns about 20 cats and the meow and poop all over the place. Every time I walk past her house you have to stop breathing due to the smell of cat poop. Please don't become like that lady, that would be a horrible way to live. This is where hope comes in, yes I hope things will work out with my ex, but at the end the day I live with hope that love wont elude me, with or without my Ex, even if I cant see how that will happen. Have hope for yourself too even if today you are living in the country with your parents and nothing seems to be going right. This phase is only short term and things will work out, plus look on the bright side, if it wasn't for this mess you would of never meet Kevin, Daniel, RAED, Ruth, Dara and all the other wonderful people here :)
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Rihanna, I recommend that you read articles about how to move on and overcome heart breaks. Its nkt harsh like telling thath there is no chamce. Most of it are just guidelines how to get over the pain. It will be helpful for your NC. goodluck. Jyst try it. I recommend it to everyone. I felt a lot better after reading some.
      Reply
    • RAED
      Rihanna, Ruth is right that it is a process. We cannot make it straight to moving on that easy. It is like a mood swing, one time you are find, the other time you will be desperate. But I advise to acknowledge when you feel pained. Cry it out if you feel like it. But don't break the NC just because of that sudden hormonal imbalance. We tend to do crazy things when we are emotionally unstable. If you will cling to him again just because you feel like you crave for him again, think about it in the long run. The more you cling to him during the break-up, the more you allow yourself to be used by him so that he can move on because he can see how desperate you are. Until one day will come when he has moved on because you are always there within his reach and you will see yourself still running after him. The more you make yourself available and vulnerable for him to see the more he will take advantage of that weakness of yours. The more he will not value your presence simply because you are just there. NC is really hard but it will benefit you more. Don't make it easy for him to move on by being always available. It is hard, yes. But you have to be fair with yourself. You also need some moving on to do. If not now, then when are you going to try to move on? Starting is always the hardest part but once you do, you'll see yourself progressing everyday. Goodluck, Rihanna!
      Reply
  • a.z
    david, i hope this one will be posted :D. as a woman i have never accepted to talk or meet an ex if i had no feelings for him.i think she likes you.don't worry about the falsefriendship you won't get stuck in friendzone until she start to talk about her emotions for another guy.be cool,don't worry about the 2 sec hugs.the shorter it is, the better for you.don't try to be romantic.the more you try not to be romantic and act like you two are just friends,the more romantic it will turn out to be later.don't talk about the break up or any negative thing that has happened. show that your improving something in your personal life.show interest in her GSL.be cool about every thing.don't show her that you want her back.don't always initiate contact first,if you chase him once,let her chase you the next time.if she is warm ,you be warm.if she is cold,you be cold.don't insist on going out every week.give yourself some time like 2 weeks and then start fresh.and during this time be very cool about everything show that your busy doing something about your GSL.and if she contacts you be very cool and friendly to her.and when you meet her she doesn't need to know how you really feel for her.just be the guy or even the better guy than you were when you two first met.let it be her idea to get back with you. hope i could help a little :)
    Reply
    • david
      Thanks a lot a.z. we have already arranged to meet next Friday, So I guess I'll just leave her be until closer to the date, instead of making small talk all time ha. Also she's off to a festival the week after for 7 days :(. So I'll txt her wishing her fun but leave it at that. Think I'll wait 3 days after she gets back to contact her. Thanks so much x
      Reply
    • a.z
      that sounds cool,wish u good luck david :)
      Reply
  • David
    Hi All, I have posted my comment, but I have posted it under another article where I initially asked for advice, http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/sneaky-signs-your-ex-still-loves-you-even-if-they-say-they-dont/comment-page-2/#comment-25189 If someone could have a quick read or give advice it would be much appreciated!..especially a woman :) Thank you :)
    Reply
  • John
    Hi Kevin and all the Good people out there, I value your thoughts / opinions. I have been with a caring, thoughtful, and beautiful woman for over 5 years, I 38 and she 29, she courageously came to my Country to study , work and live. It was a dream come through for both of us. We have travelled through lots of Europe and beyond over that time. Hence we both love travelling, seeing new places, visiting her Family going out on dates helping each other with our respective careers etc. The down sides, my ex has not always got on very well with my Family and my friends. She felt a little threatened or at a different level to them. She could get quite anti-social and not want to mix and eventually people would start putting in the effort, which left me feeling a little frustrated and awkward as I am a social person. She can be a little direct and blunt with her comments that would catch some people and unfortunately with my sensitive nature me also. Even with her own Family she could be very "short" with them, she has so much to offer that it kills me to see her this way and lose out on people's friendship or even advantage in her professional career. After alot of time and patience she went to an anger councillor which helped relief her of a troubled relationship with a family member but more to go with her Parents. We have broken up about 2 months ago and it is a killer, as she wanted me to go to her home Country but I procrasintated and let fear take over and created un-necessary drama and hurt on her which i have apologised for. She also saw e-mails I had sent to 2-3 friends looking to rationalise our tensions (and there were some!), the difference between our natures! Have you seen people reflect on their negative sides during this period and do they ever tone them down? I have negative behaviours that I am working on at the minute. She was willing to do so much but I let the fear of thinking too much and not being open with her about things that I did not like or appreciate and never always clearly let her know my feelings so we could both learn together. I have realised that I am not perfect over the last 2 months and stuff that she talked about , I have now realised are ringing true... I would like to see over the next few weeks if a letter would break the ice, but I would like to think we can both work on our differences. I would be willing to move to her Country and make a future together, maybe it is too little too late? Her Family were all so good to me, I realise I have probably lost their respect but I would be willing to earn / fight for it back just like her.. Would really welcome all comments. .
    Reply
    • Dara
      Hi John, It is great to have a girl who is beautiful, thoughtful, care, etc. but as you already said she is a bit anti-social. By my understanding, apart from our happy relation, we also seek others approval especially our family and close friends. Your willingness to go to her country can even look like an approval for her demands. Also, I am afraid that one day you become like a rope being pulled by your girl one side while by family and friends from the other side. Or what if you get kids together but she does not allow your parents to along with their grandchildren? You may send off the letter now, but my personal suggestion is that take more time to study the situation. Good luck!
      Reply
    • john
      Hi Dara, Many thanks for the comment, you speak alot of sense in it. Part of me believes that I have been with my girlfirend during a part of her life where she was adjusting from one stage to another , (leaving her 20's) and I don't want to feel that I have been with her through this adjustment phase in her life only for someone else to gain from my patience and understanding in the relationship over the 5 years. Maybe that is very very unfair to say but a little how I feel at this point.
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    • Dara
      Hi John, I am happy to share my view to you. In fact, I also had the same feelings as you had/have. However, as time passed in this NC, I realized that even though she is caring, beautiful, thoughtful, etc. which will be there with her for years even after me for the benefit of the next guy but, she also has negative characters which will also be with her for years. The next guy is welcome to get the full package. Don't worry my friend!
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  • James
    Hi, so Iv hit it hard and am upset..did the no contact, arranged to me my ex girl on Sunday but just found out she's seeing someone..it's knocked me back quite a bit. Can anyone offer advice on what to do next.
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    • Daniel
      Send some positive signals before doing NC. Just let her know that your not simply vanishing. But you are vanishing because you need space.dont mind the other guy. focus on yourself first.
      Reply
    • a.z
      don't panic,be cool its probably a rebound.get yourself some space and then create the false friendship.don't get too personal with her and dont stalk her.just be cool about everything.
      Reply
  • confused
    So sorry... I didn't realize the previous msg went thru.
    Reply
  • confused
    Hello everone! During NC my ex texted twice on mothers day and birthday. After 30 days of NC I texted my ex that I agreed with the breakup and that I was buying a car. In addition, i told him my daughter wont be in town for the summer. He confessed how he missed my daughter so much it hurt and how he's reminded of us often. I ignored his comment about us and only responded to questions about the car. He kept insisting to know about how my daughter was handling the situation. I told him I wanted our convos to be strictly about us but then felt horrible bc I know my daughter loves and misses him. I allowed him to be part of her life as long as he will never bail on her. He asked when my daughter was traveling and said he will make his decision around the time she was away (so confusing) Long story short, we've been communicating... he agreed to go to the car dealer with me while she's away. Just recently I discovered we're both on match.com. We've never discussed it but it was really a coincidence that he contacted me in a charismatic way on the day I subscribed. I've been sweet but I feel he's probably thinks im needy because I text him on occasion but he does too. I want him to chase me, WANT ME, do you know what I mean? What do you suggest? Should I do NC again for 3 weeks? I want him to reevaluate the situation and feel scared of losing me. We've been at this game for a few years. He has been raising a child I had during one of our "breaks." I love him dearly and I know he does. Part of me feels he's scared of committing. What advice do you give me? Anyone?
    Reply
  • confused
    Hi everyone! I need advice. I had NC with my ex for 30 days. He texted twice on mother's day and my birthday. I didnt respond. On the 34th day, I texted that I agreed with the breakup. He seemed vulnerable by his response. He apologized for the breakup and hoped that I understood why he did it. My response was cool like Fonzie lol he kept mentioning my daughter (from my previous relationship) and how he missed her so much it hurt and how he's always reminded of us. I felt bad and allowed him to be part of her life if he will never bail. My daughter is very attached to him also. Long story short, we've been communicating. I told him that my daughter was going on vacation with my mom. He was very surprised because we're inseparable. Next day, he askes me exactly when she was leaving,
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    • Steve
      Hi Confused, First off congrats on making NC for 34 days, that is a big accomplishment and something to be proud off. However after reading your message a couple of times I'm unsure what you need advice on? Could you clarify a little more and from what I've seen over the last few days the friendly community here will certainly help with what limited advice we can :)
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    • a.z
      hey confused, i don't think if you need to restart NC.and i think you did well. just show him that you are not needy and show positive changes in your life,don't chase him and let him believe that you are doing great without him in your life,be confident and cool.start the falsefriendship don't say any negative thing or anything about the breakup.let him remember the good memories you had.
      Reply
  • Martina
    One of the hardest things I had to do was let go,and give up.... :( This is a very difficult period for me. I hope to have enough strength to get over this guy Thank you so much for evertyhing Kevin, I learned a lot from you... I'm not sure how I'll handle this, because I really care for this guy, but if he doesn't have the same intentions like me .. it doesn't make sense anymore. I have to continue my life without him :( I want to wish everyone good luck here
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    • Daniel
      Martina, Goodluck! I admire your strength. Have a new and happy life. You will find a better one than him. I wish you the best.
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    • Martina
      Thank you Daniel, I don't have much choice you know...I can only spin in a circle, and destroy myself. No one will see in him what I saw, but he will never know. This is too hard, especially at night when I go to sleep, panic, pain, tears- every night ! I hope that everyone here will succeed in what they want, my fight is just beginning .. Thank you for your words, and good luck to you!
      Reply
  • Rachel
    Hi Kevin and anyone willing to offer advice, It's been a week since I have talked to my ex where he said "you can't talk to me anymore, it's hard. You need to move on. I am." I believe he meant I can't talk to him until I've "moved on" because all I did was try and get him back, and he did say that he wants to remain in my life as a friend.. Because that's so easy to do apparently. I was doing okay, but then I did see a picture his brother posted on Instagram of him and his fiancée at her birthday dinner, which did upset me quite a bit because I had always been a part of things like that. Also, two weeks before my ex broke up with me, we had put down our deposits for his brother's wedding this November in Mexico. The final payment for the trip is due end of August, part of me hopes by some miracle my ex decides coming back is what he wants. I've been good friends with his brother for the six years we dated, so it really does hurt knowing I might not be able to go to his wedding anymore. I spent the month of May begging and trying to convince my ex to give us another chance. Not everyday though. We went at least 10 days throughout the month not talking. I do think I pushed him further away the last time we spoke though, which I do wish I could take back. Like I said, it's been a week into my NC period. I am making some changes within myself but it is hard. Part of me still can't believe this is real. But I was thinking - which is what I would like some advice on - I was given a few different reasons at first as to why my ex was leaving me, I think because he was trying to ease the break up by not coming out and saying that he didn't feel the same about me anymore. What I'm wondering is, if he lost feelings for me because I was working all the time on weekends and didn't have much time to go visit him at school, will NC still be effective if me not being there was what made his feelings change in the first place? We talked and facetimed everyday, but my lack of physically being there for him is what made him feel alone and like he was single while he was at school. He was having a rough year with hockey and he needed me, but then again he never once actually told me he needed me there. It was only until after the break up that he said I wasn't there for him and that I "never" came to visit. If he needed me, he could have asked and I would be there as soon as I could have. I thought he knew the distance was temporary and he seemed to be okay being with his friends at night. He could have discussed it with me. But ultimately, I never really got too many chances to go visit and because of it he began to lose feelings for me. Although I am not sure if he really did lose them, or if they're just suppressed. Do people who were together for six and a half years really just lose feelings just like that and have them disappear? I believe you don't fully lose feelings. That they're still in there somewhere and that there will always be some sort of connection, especially if you have been together for a long time. Part of me feels like he's suppressed his feelings, but who knows. Now I know NC is mainly for yourself and not a means to get your ex back. I am focusing on myself but at the same time, I am hoping that it makes him miss me. I'm kind of worried because he told me he's moving on and maybe he's been moving on emotionally while we were still together when he felt alone at school. But my question is, if my lack of being there for him and everything is what made him lose these feelings for me, isn't me keeping my distance not really helping in that sense? Why must break ups be so confusing! Sorry this is so long, I kind of started to ramble!
    Reply
    • a.z
      hey rachel, i know its the most confusing feeling and its so hard to cope with but seriously it doesn't matter what he says during the breakup,its nothing logical so you can't find a logical answer to all of the questions in your head about why he said that? what did he mean? how is this so easy for him to move on?how could he? and etc ...... .you can't get an absolute answer.its all emotions talking for now. so u need to let go of every thing that makes it more complicated. concentrate on your own life and give him some space.you chased him so much and i know you have apologized for things even though deep down u know were no big deal. send him a text message and tell him you have accepted the break up and you really want to move on and you will.say you are sorry to act kinda crazy during the break up wish him something good about his personal life like one of his goals,or something he's interested in. then start no contact once he notice that you have disappeared he will forget how needy you have acted and he will begin to miss you and even the feeling of being chased. don't break the NC for at least one month.don't care about anything,don't stalk him on fb or anything,don't care about his brothers wedding.work on yourself be confident and create a new happy person.its hard but you can do it.i had days like this that i was almost going crazy but there is a will power inside of you that you can make it. every time you feel like you want to contact him just remember if you want him back you shouldn't do it.give yourself some time to heal.if he loved you once its very possible that he feels the same way if you know what to do. i don't know whether it was useful or not but i hope i could help a little.wait for kevin to get a better advice.i did whatever he said and it absolutely worked every time i acted the way i had to. wish u all the good luck :)
      Reply
  • Condit
    Today is 3 months since I broke up with my gf. Kevin gives an excellent insight on how to recover an ex, what to do and what not to…his information is amazing. NC period is very important to recover YOUR integrity and get yourself together, it would also work to give your ex some time to miss you and cool things off. Honestly after all this time I learned that 90% of the times it is NOT worth to recover an ex, even if you are in love. You might get your ex back but the same problems will most likely arise with time plus some different new issues. As time goes on it gets even harder to recover an ex because you become distant. From my point of view once the relationship is broken it would never be the same, no relationship lasts forever, especially in the time we are living. It is hard to believe that one will spend 30 or 40 years with the person we are right now because there are way too many years, way too many reasons to argue across life and differences (temptations, infidelities, financial issues, kids, and different personal point of views in life). Human beings change, priorities change and when it is over it is over (unless it is a short break up, very short period of time). Kevin information helped me recover my composure, regain confidence, acknowledge that I can be happy without my ex and most important that there are a lot of people out there that you might get to know of and have a fresh start with. I have been dating as much as I can and I am now back to whom I used to be and it feels great. Time heels everything, it is normal to feel like crap for a couple of moths but you will definitely recover and move on. Do I still have feelings for my ex? Of course! but we both understood that we were not meant to be and we both wish the best to each other. We are not friends yet but I am pretty sure we probably will be in the near future. To all the guys here I recommend to read a book named The System, it has lots of great information on how to date women and most importantly how they operate. It was written by a dude called “Doc love”, he has a column in Ask Men magazine. Read some of his columns, they are available online (Google “Doc Love ask men”) and you will find out what I am talking about. Thanks Kevin for all the help provided; it would have been a lot more difficult to go through this break up without your help. I am fine now!
    Reply
    • Condit
      Enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts, love and give your best to the person you are with. Learn from all the mistakes committed in your previous relationship and avoid repeating them in your next. Treasure all the memories and good moments and forget all the bad ones. When it is over it is over and it is better to move on and continue with life.
      Reply
  • RAED
    We are about to meet up but the night before, she cancelled the 'date' by using some alibis obviously because she doesn't want to see me. I am confused. We are still in a relationship before then when we graduated, she broke up with me. I guess she has long moved on even when we are in a relationship. I feel bad and cheated. I feel bad for her because she changed so much. Heartless, insensitive, selfish-you-know-what. But I feel worse for myself because I still want her back. I don't know if this is just one of her playtime or she is serious about breaking up. I can't help stalking her on facebook and unfriending or blocking her would seem really obvious. It is so fucking hard. At times I am fine but other times I feel so alone whether in the company of my family. Shall I move on now? And if yes, pray for me please. Because my soul is willing but the flesh is fucking weak....
    Reply
    • Rihanna
      Dear Raed, A lot of times I feel the same way as you but I'm more keen on moving on from EVERYTHING in my past and starting a fresh page. Very afraid of the unknown and I've always been codependent and this is my first time I have to be independent EVER! There are bigger problems in life (it seems) than breaking up with someone, for me it's whether I'm capable surviving on my own and how long will my pride allow me live at my mum's house? I miss my ex but he's very immature and unstable both financially and emotionally. So, it's time to be bit selfish and take a lot of time for myself and feel the freedom for the first time ever! Let this be a lesson not to rush relationships and never give completely your heart... :'(
      Reply
    • RAED
      Rihanna, So does that mean you are quitting on getting your ex back? That's right if he can't support himself yet then he can't support you as well. The relationship might seem more of a burden and blessing during that time. I know it's hard but I suggest if you want him back, the right time is not now. You might be togethet again in the futurr. When you are both stable and lovely. You can just work on improving yourself and give him space to do so. Then when you are both ready and in the future your roads will cross again and the feelings are still there, the relationship you'll be building will be a whole lot better. The fault in us humans is that we have the fear of the unknown, it scares us to come out of the comfort zone. So we tend to stick into what our hearts and mind deem familiar and safe eventhough it is no longer healthy. It will be a lot difficult to do so but I guess reading self-help books can help. I guess we are just overwhelmed with the feeling and thought that we love them. But do we really love them? I can say, I don't. But I think I am running after her because she seems to be a challenge not because I love her. I loved her. And maybe you too loved him. Maybe we are just in love with the idea of being in love. It will be hard, but what matters is we keep moving every single day. It is ourselves who needs the loving more <3 And I dont think we can receive such love if we lack it in ourselves. What we are, we attract. So no matter how hard let's try to make ourselves better They are better without us so why not do the same? Sometimes all we need is a lot of spanking, failing and hurting to realize that we deserve more.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey Raed, If she canceled your date request after the 30 days NC period, my suggestion is apply NC again. She accepted it in the first time, it means a part of her still wants it but she canceled it later means a part of her wants to end up the relationship. She still needs time and space to conclude what she wants. You also need more time to sum up if you want to stay or move on. This is all I can conclude from Kevin's articles and emails. You wait for Kevin's response and not rush! Good luck!!
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    • RAED
      Dara, Thank you, Dara. I would rethink it over if I still love her. Though it's hard to really know because my feelings are a mess as well. I don't want to waste another days and months to come just earning her back. I need I need to earn back myself more. Thankyou! God bless :)
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    • Dara
      You're welcome my friend! Good luck!
      Reply
  • Ruth
    I did NC for almost a month, then afterwards, I reconnected with him via email (and in it, I mentioned I had accepted the break-up and thought it was a good idea) and he said that he was hoping I would contact him. We texted for a bit and he would also occasionally even send me emails. I think I got a bit too eager, though I tried not to (e.g. I should have been cooler and waited awhile to reply, but I tended to reply pretty soon after). Anyway, we ended up meeting up a few days ago for lunch (I asked him) since we work near each other. It was generally good (I made sure to look my best, and during NC, I did become a better version of myself, am more positive and I think I showed that positivity during our lunch meeting, etc. I have also been keeping busy with my life and we talked about some of the things we have both been up to). He paid for lunch and told me I could get it next time. Later that afternoon, I sent him a text to say that it was nice to reconnect and hang out, and thanks for lunch. He did reply but he mentioned that it was nice to have a new “lunch friend” so it sounds like I have been friend zoned. Even a few days prior to our lunch meeting, we had slowed down on the texting and emailing, and definitely now as well (compared to when we first reconnected – e.g. it is always me who initiates now, including just prior to our lunch meeting). I think I should stop initiating now – what do you think? Also, what should my next steps be? How do I get out of the friend zone? Should I go back to NC? (will he not care and think I lost interest since meeting him?) Or should I just go with the flow and see what happens (just be the better version of myself when we meet again, etc.). Not sure where to go from here…
    Reply
    • Ruth
      The other alternative to NC is to be less available and to stop being the one to initiate contact. I would only reply if he contacts me (and do it less eagerly than I had been as well). And when we meet in person again (letting him initiate that), that's when I really turn on my best self. If I do NC though, how long should it be for this time?
      Reply
    • Ruth
      I was pleased that I felt kind of neutral when we met up (seeing as I felt nervous beforehand, but then it turned out to be emotionally easier than I thought to see him again) and I felt okay right after we met up. I didn't feel any special vibes that he wanted to be with me again or anything, and because I felt neutral, I thought maybe it was a sign we ought to just be friends moving forward. Then the next day, I started to really miss him. I also started to think about how he had stopped initiating communication with me as much (as I mentioned above) and I felt too available to him and decided I needed to back off in some way with the contact (either NC or only reply if he initiates). Anyway, I still miss him. I guess it hit me a bit later. I keep thinking about his good qualities, his affection, etc. when we were together and feel sad about it all.
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    • Daniel
      Ruth, I think you should wait another week before contacting him again. There is nothing you can do right now but attract him. Make sure you are good and getting better everytime you meet. Also its not really that bad to be friendzoned right now coz u just reconnected. Its not the time to talk about relationships. Just do your best. You are lucky compared to most of the people here coz you can talk and meet wit your ex so dont mess up and keep your composure and confidence. I wish you the best. Goodluck!
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    • Ruth
      Thanks, Daniel. All the best I am trying not to be "crazy" (due to emotions). In the past (years ago), I made mistakes with a break-up I had in which I wanted an ex back, because I just turned on the emotional crazy and was definitely not keeping it cool. I don't want to tread there again, and just try to be cool with this one. It's funny how time stretches out so slowly when you are dealing with a break-up situation. I haven't contacted him in 3 day but it feels much longer. I have to learn to be patient. All the best to you, Daniel. I think I read that you are giving up. It sounds like a good decision for you. Time will heal.
      Reply
  • Melissa
    Hey Kevin, so I followed the plan, and I recently went out with my ex for the first time after we broke up. We talked about a lot of stuff, mainly I did, cause I didn't have the opportunity since he broke up with me (3 months ago). I apologized for everything, I thanked him for all, and told him it was time for us to be friends. Also, he told me a lot of exciting things that are happening/happened in his life and so I did. I acted friendly. I was trying to show him that I moved on, mainly, trying to show him I'm happy and that I have changed a lot positively. He did the same. He actually texted me after it, but in a really friendly way. He said he had a great time, that he's a great friend which I can count on always, he said thanks for everything he learned with me while on the relationship, and stuff like that. I replied and then we had a very very short conversation through text (he showed me some new band he has now and I said it was cool and then he didn't reply). I'm worried because during the ''date'' I talked to him as an old friend really, almost like talking to my brother. No flirting, not trying anything. Not trying to be cute, nothing. I tried to be fun, thats all. It was fun, but still, I don't know if this was good or bad in order to get him back. I'm not sure what should I do next. This happened 3 days ago and we haven't talked since. Please help! Thank you!!
    Reply
  • Derek
    Hey Kevin, what do you think about this letter? Thanks so much for your response in advance! (She left music cd's in my car that she loves) Britney, So, these were in my car. I figure I should return them to you since your cd collection is somewhat sparse.  I’d also like to take this opportunity to say that I think the decision you made to part ways was, in retrospect, the best thing for the both of us. I surprised myself with how emotional I got, and I’d like to apologize for my behavior toward you and any discomfort I may have caused. Oh by the way, finally got to doing Krav Maga and it is pretty exhilarating. Really enjoying sparring again! I would love to fill you in…perhaps in the future. Of course you and I still need space right now. Take care, Derek
    Reply
    • Ruth
      I would rewrite it like this. ALso, don't send until you have done at least 30 days no contact. Britney, So, these were in my car and I wanted to return them to you. I’d also like to let you know that I think the decision you made to part ways was, in retrospect, the best thing for the both of us. I’d like to apologize for how emotional I got, my behavior toward you and any discomfort I may have caused. Oh by the way, finally got to doing Krav Maga and it is pretty exhilarating. Really enjoying sparring again! I would love to fill you in…perhaps in the future. It's best for us both to have space right now. Take care, Derek
      Reply
    • Ruth
      or for the first line, "So, these were in my car and I wanted to return them to you since I know you love them." (you still want to sound warm.. just not needy)
      Reply
    • Derek
      Hey Ruth, thanks for the feedback. Your revision to me seems a bit on the robotic side. It's not how she would think how I would write. I'm generally a warm easy going person.
      Reply
    • Ruth
      you know her best so definitely go with your regular voice
      Reply
  • James
    Hi Kevin, My girlfriend is now seeing her ex she dated 5 years ago. She had originally said she wanted to be single for a long time to sort out some problems in her life, she kept telling me she was nowhere near dating anyone, then I took her on a trip to NYC all expenses paid and a week after we returned she was dating this guy. We have been apart for 1.5 months. Am I screwed? Should I try no contact now? Thanks man, feeling pretty devastated, James
    Reply
    • Steve
      Hey James As above Kevin is away until the 24th June, But I think I could assume that his answer would be Yes, start no contact and sign up to his emails to get a plan in place. Keep smiling
      Reply
    • Condit
      I am not Kevin but let me ask you a question James: Do you really think she loves you? Do you want to be with someone who doesn´t love you? Are you going to be ok mentally thinking your girl might be talking to her ex or worst...seeing him while she is with you? I apologize if I am just being negative but I would ask myself all these questions all the time. It is hard to let go but I would do it and find somebody else who really loves me, wants to be with me and be part of my life.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey James, I'm not Kevin either. Don't panic. If you haven't yet, apply no contact for a month. It will give you enough time to get relax and analyse the situation. In either situations don't try to convince her that dating her ex boyfriend is mean/impolite/rude. Play it cool. Probably she is trying to fill your space with someone she already knows. You both are her ex. You being the later one, have a slight advantage but if NC does not work, you should try to move on. Good luck man!
      Reply
  • Anon
    Hi guys. I guess its time to sum up everything here. I need advice from you guys. Its been around an year since our fight took place. It was my fault. Later she admitted she feels for me. She was in a rebound. But i did everything of those 5 things mentioned in the article not to do. She promised to talk to me after her exams but she did not. I have acted way too desperate for a long time. On 15th it will be a month of my no contact. I am planning on extending it. I am currently not in my city. I had unfriended her from facebook so that i could stop stalking her and to make her feel for me but that did not affect her. She is a really happy person now and to my friend she said she has decided not to talk to me. I don't know what to do to make her talk to me. All the things mentioned in the articles i have done before, they worked but i became too desperate again. I guess she is in a relationship again. We might move to different cities in a month. I want to meet her. I have made lot of changes in myself. I have few specific questions to ask. Should i ask her to meet me in the first text ? Should i send her a friend request again ? If yes then can i add that accept my friend request if you feel like ? I fought with her for 4 months and she fought with me for four months. She had feelings for me them. But now she seems not to care at all. All i wanna do is meet her. I wanna talk to her. But my situation is so mixed i have no idea what kind of text i should send her.
    Reply
    • Daniel
      I suggest. Dont rush and panic. No one here can give you the answer you are looking for. Wait for kevin. Yes maybe you are ready to meet her but have you thought if she is ready to meet you? Maybe not yet? You are aware that if you acted crazy after the breakup the longer she will forget about it. If i were on your situation i will move on and try a 3-6mos NC. But i think you should wait dor kevin. Goodluck man!
      Reply
    • Ruth
      You should start with an email or letter like Kevin suggests. Do not ask her to meet right away.. she will likely say no. You want to soften her feelings towards you by showing her you have moved on and accept the breakup (through the letter). Then start to rebuild a bit through text messages, the way Kevin suggests. If you want to skip the letter and go to text, just do it the way Kevin suggests. Be patient with it. When you have a good rapport, you can suggest meeting up (after 1-2 weeks of texting, or longer if needed).
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Im feeling doen right now. I dont know why. I feel like i miss her so much. Maybe im not truly prepared to let her go. She doesnt even responded to my text after NC. I dont know whats on her mind. But still i try to focus on moving on and feeling great. Only then i can feel relieved. I just hope she has not shut down her communication to me. :(
    Reply
    • Dara
      Hi Daniel, I empathy with you! My ex girlfriend also did not respond to my mail and the text message. I was not sure that she has blocked me on her phone or gmail, so my mail was hand written. For some reasons, I also miss her more than those 30 days of NC. This should not overwhelm us! It makes us weak! I am aiming for 60th day now! I see her once in a while. If she acts grumpy again, I will look for 90th day and then move in unavoidable. Good luck Daniel! Cheers!!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Dara, hey im glad your attitude is like that. I feel like i dont have the strength anymore. Im considering giving up on her and truly move on. Idk when she will accept my attempts to communicate and its very stressful. Thanks man i envy you. But i will also do my best as long as i can.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, It's nice to hear that you have made your decision. I believe most of the people you find here on this site are the ones who care for relationships. Really nicer ones. Anyway, every site you go, 'move on' is the main recommendation. Its has become stressful for me as well. By now my mind is divided into different part; one part is asking me to wait for her, the other part is looking for someone new and the other tells me to enjoy being single. All these parts have strong arguments. By the way, now I visit facebook hardly once in a day, but come here 4 or 5 times everyday! LOL Good luck to you Daniel!!
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Dara, Everything you said in here is exactly the same way I feel. But in my case, I have to work on being independent and get on my own feet before I enter a relationship (that's what I've learnt from my life) and though it's an excellent idea to do it's really sad to be alone and do life on my own, something i've never done :( I feel ready to be single and do life on my own and this way at least I'll be independent enough to make better decisions for my future. Good luck to you and I'm happy you're feeling more like an individual without needing your ex... Good on you !
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Dara, I admire you, though your situation is worse than mine you are still strong. I am trying to be strong but the stres is too much. I am trying to hold on but i feel like letting go any moment. I dont hear from her anymore i dont know whats on her mind or what she thinks of me. I still hope everything goes well. Maybe last 3 attempts to reach out to her. After that maybe just move on.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, Yes, I feel better every day. I go to gym 6 days/ week. The endorphin hormone that brain secretes after intense workout makes one feel flying. I also go to swimming pool once in a week. Friends around admire me for the new looks that I have got. I energizes me more than ever. Plus, except those bad days of my relationship, I am a positive thinker. I read a nice explanation on how men get needy in relationship. It said, "many men when get in relationship give off their balls to their girl and some girls simply throw those balls away". So you are not a man anymore! Hey, I recommend you watch Sin City movie. Yes, my situation with my ex is worse. I believe there are less chances for me. Had I simply accepted the breakup the very first time instead of hard tying to please her, I could have more chances now. But what is done is done! I should prove myself, her and if required anyone else that, that was not real me! Good luck my friend! I wish the best for you!
      Reply
    • RAED
      Daniel, It is just normal to feel a sudden change of heart. One time you are fine without her then you suddenly miss her. Scumbag heart and brain. I am so eager and decided to move on but at times, i cant do it.I would like to slam myself hard for me to wake up but whenever I miss her, no amount of consolation or going/hanging out, seeing other people could console me. I hope one day I will wake up without any memory of her. Just her. It would be a lot easier.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, I am glad to hear from you here! Thank you so much!! I hope to hear that you feel a lot better soon. Time heals! Have a great day! Dara
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Dara, Wow you really give a lot of effort. I also go to the gym but only 3x a week. I play basketball a lot. Hangout with friends and casual night outs with them. I hate mornings. Because when i wake up i always feel empty. I leave everything to fate now. If we are meant to be it will be. The sad part is i have a good relationship with her sister's family. It would be nice if we are still together. Thoug me visitng her sister does not affect me or make me miss her. Instead i feel relaxed there. I just hope everything is over. Im near there i know it. Just gotta be tough a little more. My advice, CRY! Cry a lot. As long as you can. Befor i was suppressing my tears or ot just wont fall because of intense loneliness. But try to release it. Listen to a sad song and let the tears flow. Trust me, it gives ypur chest a lift. You will feel better. Goodluck! Guys! I hope we can hangout but i think its impossible. Lol.
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hey guys I can so totally relate with you both and I feel I am on the same page. Some days like yesterday I'm fine and optimistic that things are going to work out, then I get days like today where I miss her like crazy and get depressed. I have this general sense that its not going to work out and its over and the best thing is to stop being in a funk and move on. Easier said then done and it does cause a lot of stress. Then you get speed bumps that cause you wobble. Last couple of days I had been trying to organise to something for this weekend, even if it was just going to a movie or watching some World Cup football somewhere. I just wanted to get out of my house for an evening. I asked 4 different friends and got no from them all. One had a genuine excuse, but the other 3 were all vague with there replies and I was like WTF... until I found out my ex has organised a party for Saturday night and they are all going to it. So that was blow to me when I feel I need a bit of support just to get back on my feet. Guess that what happens when you have one person who is appearing happy and motivated and the other person is appearing down and emotional, who do you want to hang out with? I know Kevin talks about the importance of appearance happy and confident. Once again easy said then done. That's what I love about this website, its so encouraging coming here and finding I'm not the only person who is struggling with their emotions and getting their lives back on track P.S. Also should submit to Kevin when he gets back the idea of designing a proper forum for discussion as it gets really hard to track all the conversations here as they can be all over the place and after going to the Enotalone forum, which I like the layout. I couldn't handle the people telling me I'm pathetic and get over your ex every second minute like they seem too there
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey Steve I have been reading your story! It really sucks! It really sucks when you see people chose between you and your ex. Today, I text messaged one of her best friends to whom I owed some money to for the party we celebrated for my ex's Bday to clear it. Her reply was strangely rough and unfriendly. My guess is that my ex has filled her with negative things about me. Well, this means that my chances are lesser than what I thought. I truly don't regret, but when my ex wrote me an email asking for breakup, I got mad at her and mentioned all her mean behaviors towards me. Well, those emails were sarcastic ones. It was the doormat which finally exploded out of pressure. I'm pretty sure that those emails made her a lot angry about me and must have talk it to her friends. I like this chat among us. I cannot talk to guys outside about my feelings but I find people here who understand me as we have the problem. Thank you guys: Daniel, Steve, Raed, Rihanna and others
      Reply
    • RAED
      Hey guys, The only thing I am posituve about going here is that I tend to make friends. No matter were all anonymous to each other, we carry the same feels, same problem. This is like a support group, really. I know how hard it is. It is like your mind and heart playing tricks on you once you get better. Just like Rihanna's, it is also my first time to be not in a relationship. I mean, I only had 2 girlfriends but eversince college I've been in a relationship so somehow they have become a part of my system, a part of my growing up. Whenever I feel like I will be doing dumb things like wanting to text her and beg again, I go here. I type how I feel and after it I somehow feel good knowing I have friends here who share the same sentiment as mine. I suggest during those random down times, we acknowledge the feeling. Acknowledge the hurt and pain. Just like what Daniel suggest, you can cry. Anytime. It helps you release the pain as well until you'll no longer feel hurt. For all of us here, I am hoping one day we will suddenly wake up being a lot better. Not thinking about them but finally seeing that everything happens for a reason and somehow this breakup is a disguised blessing just as the day we woke up and we suddenly love them and as fast as the day when they choose to leave us. I pray for all of us.
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Guys, I wish we find happiness as soon as possibe. May it be with pur exes or not. I just want our pain to go away. We all share the same feeling. It hurts when u feel good and better then suddenly something about her pops up and brings you down again. This is so hard i just wish i forget our memories together. :(
      Reply
    • Dara
      RAED, You are right! We should hope that this situation get to normal as soon as possible. It will because it has been proven already to all including Kevin. I feel that it is getting better day by day. Daniel, My part which asks me to move on is getting stronger day by day. Its best argument is that my ex used to play mind games on me. I already know it. Even Kevin in one of his comments said that she is trying to win the breakup. This means that she is not done with her mind games even after the breakup. There is one thing that I didn't mention on this site. I felt terribly bad when she started ignoring my calls/texts. I also felt terribly bad just one week after the breakup. I was mad at everything, but now I'm almost fine! I come here because from kevin's comments I learn things. I also learn things from other's experiences. They will help me in other relationships. Well, by now we all know that limited NC or NC or not showing neediness is a steering wheel if we find some issues in our next relationship. This is what I want to learn. I also love chatting with you guys. Hope to hear more from you guys.
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Dara, i also want to learn new things here and apply it to my next relationship may it be with my ex or not so i wont mess up again. I am also at the point of moving on but there is still a partnof me thats holding on to her. Honestly, i hate it because it gives me pain. Im not aiming to get my ex anymore. I just want to feel better.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Daniel, Comparison of theory and real application is really tough. I give you an example: I say that my move on is getting stronger and stronger every day. Well, lets assume that I see her kissing a guy. I will feel terribly bad at least at that moment. This psychological issues are really hard to understand. The worst thing with us is that our brain is divided into parts. Who knows, maybe because of just an incident the one that is really weak now become the strongest! That sucks about our situation now! Yes, my friend!
      Reply
    • RAED
      Dara, Hey, we are on the same boat! Even after the breakup my ex still plays her mind games with me. One time she's sweet, the other time she will be cold. For a month it has been like that and I am adjusting and allowing it to happen just because I want her back. But one day I got tired because come on, I deserve better than these silly mind games of her. I got fed up and tired. She's trying to sin the breakup by being hot and cold and I won't allow that to happen. She had gotten ahead than me when she broke us up and I won't allow her to get even again by me tolerating her mind games. It will be hard for me as well but this time I won't allow her to get even by using me.
      Reply
    • Dara
      RAED, What I have learnt recently is that if you play it cool, their mind games will backfire on them. Imagine they spend time to rent a stadium to play mind games with you. If you don't take part in it, the very least thing they will lose is the time they spent for renting the stadium. I believe this NC has stronger effects on those who play mind games. They are waiting for you to play the final round but you are not there. I like it man!
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    Hello everyone, yes it's me again! Well, I'm writing to share that no matter how hard I try to forget my ex something comes up and I'm at square one :( ... Few perfumes remind me of him in the most endearing way, like Jimmy Choo reminds me of the first time we went out together (best time of my life) then, Desire reminds me of a first night in town together (Best night of my life) and other scents as well so, what am i supposed to do? Not ever wear my favourite perfumes again? Every time I think it's over between us and that it may have been a romantic phase in our lives and it's past now something triggers a beautiful memory between us and I'm sad all over again :( ... Today, I'm all alone and much confused about the future and life in general, I may be stuck in the country for the next 12 months and I think that's making me most sad that I'm not sure which I miss most, the city or him?
    Reply
    • Anon
      Keep the things away for a while. I would suggest you not to come here till your no contact. Try not using phone and facebook or the intrne
      Reply
    • Anon
      Keep the things away for a while. I would suggest you not to come here till your no contact. Try not using phone and facebook or the intrnet or watching tv. Instead go out
      Reply
  • Lynn
    I inadvertently did all of these things. It was a bad breakup ..dated for 2 years...took me 9 months not to think about him daily. We stayed broken up for almost FIVE years. I sent him a text and we went for drinks in January. Low and behold HE Wanted ME back..and I didn't want him. I'm fact he texted me the not day and said "looking back I wish we woulda worked out" n I said " everything happens for a reason at least we can be friends now" well.....we had sex on that reuniting date ( probably why he realized he wished it would have worked out) and fast forward 5 months I AM BACK IN THE SAME place I was 5 years ago, he pulled all his old tricks and now I'm heartbroken and have to go through the break up AGAIN . SECOND CHANCES Are like giving your ex a bullet because they missed you the first time.boo:( this sucks.
    Reply
  • Rihanna
    HI everyone! so, I went on enotalone.com as kevin suggested in his absent letter and the people on that site are all like 'harden the f*** up and move on!' lol, some of the replies made me tear up but it was like a reality check too... And they told me off for not being independent myself so that I've also contributed to the failure of my relationship and that my ex has issues! although I've said he's depressed and much in pain he can't think straight, it didn't matter cos at the end of the day, whatever the reason was we did break up and 'he' broke up with me and I accepted the plane ticket to leave :( ... I feel so weak and scared of the world a lot of times especially cos I've had many years of traumatic life before this relationship and I think my ex gave me bit of confidence in myself. But if you need advice or more like someone telling you how it is visit the website until Kevin comes back... but truth is, this is a great website here cos Kevin gives great advice and doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. However, I feel like I can accept my breakup and move on, the feedback I got from enotalone had that effect on me (sadly :( ...) lol
    Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, I have also visited a lot of sites. Most of them say that move on is the best because you will never forget that once you broke apart. Maybe that is true. They say that statistically re-unification is tough and more fragile. Well, I have a friend who was dumped by his girlfriend but the reconciled after two months or so and they are now married. Maybe seeing such cases is the only motivation for me to still hold on. Though other part of me who has read all those stuff asks me to move on. About Kevin's methodology, he wants you to make them want you back. In short, it will mostly work if the one who broke up ask for reconciliation.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Hey, I just deleted all the messages between me and my ex and I regret it a little :( it was a moment where I was 100% sure ready to remove him from my life cos though there are feelings between us the relationship is illogical. He has no secured job, no money, no home hence, no future. Am I right? then I starting to think about the future plan we had together but he's not even communicating with me so why am I even thinking about plans with him still? Sometimes I wonder what's the difference between love and lust? did I 'love' him, or was the idea of him and 'us' me being a poet and him an artist too romantic to pass up even if it lasted a while but in the end it did last. The enotalone people were right with one thing, it doesn't matt?er if he's sick, or depressed, or I'm away or sick, or whatever the reason behind the break up, the break up did happen and we both gave in to it too easily. So where's that deep connection, can't live without you love we talked about during our relationship? On the other hand, my previous ex has been chasing me, he's changed his looks cos he let himself go during our relationship and I'm missing him don't know why, maybe loneliness? Though I felt loneliest with him! Anyway, looks like I'm so confused if I were reading this message randomly I'd say "Stop being selfish and get a life!" I feel guilty, emotional and selfish. I want to move back to the city but I'm afraid that every wonderful memory of me and my ex would haunt me everywhere! We went from Bliss (big time!) throughout the entire 10 month relationship to see you later we can't be together... I'm very confused and really don't know what to do next! I'm changing everything about my life against my will in order to move on...
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, its sad to hear all those. Before our break up I kind of could guess that we are going to breakup. She would ignore most of my messages or hardly reply any. I searched some sites on how to handle break up. They said, do not keep their memories close to you until you have completely moved on. One of her clothes were in my room! As soon as I got her email on suggesting the break up, I threw it into the dumpster. Deleting those messages was for your best Rihanna.
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi Dara I cant help feel I'm in the same boat as you and agree with you are saying with one part of me having motivation to hold on and keep believing and the other part of me is telling me move on. It is a tough place to be in I have a similar 'get back together" story and hopefully this will encourage others also. In 2010 I was flatting with my best friend when his girlfriend of a year broke up with him. They were planning on moving in together in another apartment. He was 28 and she 26 at the time. I watched him go through the first couple of weeks of begging her to come back then having a period of 3 months of no contact with lots of nights of crying and drinking on the couch. During this time he joined the local theatre group and had a support role in a play. During the 2 weeks of live performance he reached out to her and invited her with some other friends to come and watch him, which she did. I remember how happy he was at the time as he still had very strong feeling for her. Outwardly he played it very cool when he was around her and for the next 4 months he gave the appearance of being just a friend and hanging out with her and others in social settings. He even went on a date with another girl, but that only last 2 dates as he couldn’t stop thinking about his ex. One night a group of us went to the movies and she didn’t have a ride home as she had come with another friend. So my friend offered to take her home. I ended heading out to a bar with some other friends to play some pool and watch some sports. When I got back to the apartment, I noticed he was already home in his bedroom. So I knocked on his door to see how it went and got a muffled response, so I went into the bedroom and whoops they were both there in bed. The next morning we had a good laugh about it. Two years ago I had the honour of being his best man at their wedding and they just recently had their first baby and are very much still in love. The moral of this story is that my friend the entire time wanted her back and took steps to ensure that he would appear attractive to his ex again and it worked. For this reason alone I believe it is possible to get back with your ex and that why I like Kevin’s plan. One day I hope that I will be able to tell a similar story with my ex
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hi Steve, I have read most of you comments till now. Yes, we are in the same boat. Many of my friends are married and most of them are now in serious jobs. So, really not many people to hangout with. I also drink alone at nights but I make sure that I don't listen to music or songs that would remind me of her. I also believe that nothing is impossible. I also agree that most of the break ups happened because it was simply inevitable due to some existing bad chemicals in that relationship but we can eliminate bad ones and insert good ones by working on it just like what your friend or mine did. The fact is that my situation is not as rosy as my friend's was. So for now, I simply work on myself to be a more attractive guy for my ex or any other girl. By the way, its great to hear that you run. Keep it up! Good luck man!
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi Rihanna I just checked out this website too and noticed the same thing with a lot of comments. It seems to me people were coming to that site with very genuine situations and seeking help and the comments were from the same 2 -3 people with the same message. "Its over, stop believing you will get your ex back and move on with life as you are being pathetic". Honestly I doubt how sincere these people are. From those responses I would guess that chances are they have gone through a messy breakup and didn’t get back their ex, therefore they have used their disappointment to come to the conclusion that if I didn’t get back with my ex, no one else can and that is the message I’m going to preach. I read your thread (If you use the same forum name as here) and felt some of the criticism you got was totally unfair and I felt like it came from some very bitter people. I may be wrong of course, but that was the impression I got. There was a couple of threads I liked there, the one about stories of people getting back with their ex, but even that was getting derailed by people who are saying don’t bother, your ex has left and there is nothing you can do to win him/her back. I personally don’t believe this and it goes completely against what Kevin teaches here who does teach us with a plan in place we can increase the chances of getting back with our ex. Keep your chin up and ignore 90% of what those people have said and stick with Kevin’s plan
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Steve. Yes, this site is far the best and can't wait for Kevin's return. However, I feel strong now without my ex and I can see how immature and 'not' ready to be in a relationship he is but then again, I have lots to work on myself too. Thank you for your comment and I hope my forum there didn't taint my image in any way. Good luck to you also.
      Reply
  • Dave
    I am getting ready to write the letter. It's been 3 months no contact. Quick question. I was gonna write the letter on a letterhead from a resort we went to on vacation when times were good. Do u think this is a good idea? Or should I just write it on normal paper?
    Reply
  • Anon
    Hi. I will be done with my no contact of one month on 15th. She is really very happy with her life right now and was not at all willing to talk to me. I guess the same will go now too. We will be moving to other cities in july. What type of text should i send her that she replies. Also i had logged in to her fb and changed her password and unfriended her. Its been 20 days since. Should i sene hr
    Reply
    • Anon
      Should i send her a message (like mentioned in the sample letter) to her along with a friend request on facebook ? She has kind of decided that she dosen't wants to talk to me. Is there any way or any specific message by which i can be friends with her and make her reply ? Please help me people.
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Im not sure man. My ex doesnt talk to me either. If you have relationship rewind kevin said to use the text in deaths door section. BUT i dont know if he will recommend the same for you. Goodluck.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Hi Anon, I wouldn't know either obviously I'm no expert in relationships hence why I'm here :( ... but text wise I think something like: "I have some news I want to share with you, I hope you'll be happy for me :)" and leave it at that... I guess that will instigate an interest in her to find out what it is? but then you have to have something great to tell her about you so, you might want to take a new hobby something completely different to what you would normally do to show her you've changed a bit or something she's interested in I don't know! but at least if you take your time in answering her (not too long though) she'll add you back on facebook in case you've shared that news with the world and this way could be a small step back in... But I suggest you ask Kevin cos this might backfire... good luck!
      Reply
    • Anon
      Thanks guys. I'll have to wait quite long for kevin to reply. I am really unsure what to do here. If i should use the letter or the text or both. By the way i think we will be in the same city for around 10 days only in july. I want things to be right before that.
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    Dear everyone, I know Kevin isn't available for the next couple of weeks but I thought we could still support each other during his absence although, it's best to wait for Kevin's advice if we have anything serious to ask. So, my story today is that I'm almost on the verge of breaking NC after only TWO AND HALF weeks :'( I feel so pathetic and I need someone to slap 'Don't do it Rihanna!' into me. And the sad thing is, I know my ex isn't having fun cos he's sick and depressed (hence the break up) so why do I feel the urge to text him already? yes, I miss him but isn't it sad that he isn't showing any emotions towards me at all? I feel sick all the time and seriously want to die! But only cos I'm feeling clingy NOT because I'm feeling love... weird! I have to wait another month maximum and for those who did the NC you should be very proud of yourselves, cos it's not easy at all! I have so much to do in my life right now and I'm planning to do something each day... Also, I'm really unhappy with where I am and I want to move back to the city but I'm afraid if I did move back I'll visit all the places we went together etc... and all this hurt is just adding up :( ... What do you guys do when you feel you're about to text and break your NC?
    Reply
    • Daniel
      Dont rihanna! Dont break it just yet. Keep your cool! Focus on other things. Your 2 weeks of hardwork will go to waste if you contact him now. You can do it.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Daniel, I just went visited some friends but I was like a zombie... this is really hard but I'm willing to wait it out and hopefully I'll be in a better place in life and better frame of mind when I do contact him in a month time (fingers crossed it'll be successful)... hope all is well with you, I enjoy reading your progress and thanks for sharing.
      Reply
    • Lovisa
      Rihanna! I know how you're feeling right now.. My ex is sick too, he's in the hospital because he broke hes knee during a cross competition.. He's 18, and i'm 18, We broke up for almost a month ago, just because i didn't stop fighting with him.. He has always been very honest and straight to me, while i was playing mindgames with him.. i wanted to know if he cared so much that he told me he did, he said to me that he had never felt this way before for a girl, that we was meant to be together, he wanted me forever and so on.. We had a distance relationship, and we broke up because he reached his breakingpoint because of all the fights i started with him.. Not until we broke up i saw what i lost, and i lost the love of my life.. I have never felt this way before for a boy, and he had never felt this way before for a girl he said :( Last week i called him and asked him for a new chance with him, i said that i had grew up alot since the break up, he said that he wanted to think about it! I was soooo happy that he said that! But i had a thought back in my mind that we can't just really let go of the past after three weeks away from eachother.. So from an hour ago, we said that we were best as friends .. I think we have to stop talking to eachother, then maybe become friends, and if we think it's possible maybe go back to eachother.. He told me for a moment ago that in the future we maybe go back to eachother, but in the future, and anything is possible then.. Should i go back to no talking in a month with him? I know he's the one, and if it takes to be friends before we try again, i'm willing to be that. I will never forget that he told me that i am the girl he thought were impossible to find and he had never felt this way before for a girl. Now i know, my feelings are the same for him, it's just that i saw that now after the break up.. Please help, anyone? :( / Lovisa!
      Reply
    • Rihannac
      Thank you Lovisa, your reconciliation sounds promising so good luck!
      Reply
    • Lovisa
      I really hope that i still have a chance.. i was a bitch and i know that, and we broke up just because i didn't stop fighting with him because i was so immature and insecure of the distance :( I hope in time everything works out for all of you guys! keep fighting :) Remember - if it's still in your mind, it's worth fighting for..
      Reply
    • Latoya
      Hey richanna I might be a Lil to late,but don't break the NC its only gonna put you back at square one. My personal advice is do something fun hang out with friends/family treat yourself to a spa with your girlfriends. We can support each other as I'm going through the samething and know how hard it could get. If you want we can exchange emails and guide each other.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Latoya and good luck :)
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi Rihanna, Hang in there. I know it is tough as I'm feeling the same. My ex broke up with me out of the blue 5 weeks ago. I made all the classic mistakes in that first week of texting her, even random stuff I thought she would find interesting, but getting no replies. I went no contact, sadly I broke it 16 days in, by sending her a text. Will power was very weak and I was missing her like crazy. She sent back a text telling me that "while breakups are tough and that I was a great guy, I need to respect her decision and leave her alone". I now back at 12 days NC and had a tough day yesterday when I heard our song playing on the radio. I went home and cried. I really want to reach out to her, but had to come back to this website to remind myself that I need the space to heal. Yes it tough as you will badly want to reach out to your Ex but hang in there. It will be worth it in the long run and there are lots of people on this website cheering for you :)
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Steve. I feel your pain, I'm in my third week of NC and yesterday, like you, I cried as well but in the shower cos I live back with my mum (as if the breakup isn't hard enough) and I've had to move my entire life back to the country :( and start my life from scratch! eeewk... When's the end of your NC? What are you doing in the meantime? I'm doing one change at a time each day so good luck to you also, and thanks for sharing :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey Rihanna, Last time you asked a guy point of view. Now I want to ask a girl point of view. Today was around 43rd day of NC. I saw her in the gym. Apparently, she is now a better looking person than what we broke up. It make me sort of jealous. Reason is obvious, a part of me felt that now more guys will be attracted to her. Now my question is that since I have made a lot of improvements on myself. Will it make her sort of jealous? Before the break up I asked this question to a girl friend and she said "do you think girls are physical oriented?". What's your opinion? Thanks, Dara
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Hi Dara, my opinion is YES it will make her if not jealous at least more attracted to you, especially if you're looking the same when you two first met, that same attraction will surface again. Plus, people are visual so we do care about looks, guys and girls, and if she sees a cute girl chatting to you in the gym she'll start to wonder about you again but my opinion is, even if a girl did come up to you don't over do it with flirting cos you want your ex to think every girl wants my guy but he won't just go for anyone, so being with you would mean a lot more in this way. Be hard to reach but not too much in your exes direction... be firm and gentleman and she'll be in your arms :) just my girly opinion... good luck! :)
      Reply
    • Steve
      Hi Rhianna Yeah it feels good just to talk and not be judged or told you are making the wrong decisions. So what am I’m doing ? Taking it one day at a time at the moment. Some days are tough, some are easy. Right now its lots of little things that keep me going. I allowed my ex to become my world when we were dating. I’m 35 so majority of my friends are now married with kids and trying to organise catching up with them can be a hassle, so I have a lot of lonely nights sitting on the couch watching TV and drinking wine. Not the best for moving on I know :P Weekends I have started getting out more, I even went to the movies by myself last Saturday One positive that I’ve always had going for myself is I run a lot, 3 -4 times a week, so keeping fit has always been a part of what I do. Even if I don’t feel like a run, I live 10min drive from the beach and going for a walk is always a great way to relax Not sure when I will end NC. I’m day 40 since we broke up and I still feel emotionally up and down. Having read lots lately about breakups, It could of been Kevin who said this or someone else, but the quote was “Woman aren’t attracted to men who are needy, desperate, who grovel and whine”. Until I feel that I can comfortably past that hurdle then I will end NC. In saying that I know my ex was working on a massive project with her work that will be finish around 3rd July and that could be the opportunity to reach out with a text to see how she is doing with it
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you for sharing your story Steve. I'm 32 and in the same way, all my friends are married with kids and I feel like an outsider. I have my up and downs too and today I miss him a lot, the mornings we spent together, people used to envy our love everywhere we went and it's sad that it's gone! Yes, women don't like needy but we also don't like 'cold' men it's nice to show emotions as well. I'm 20 days into NC and like you 40 days since the break up, I feel confused and don't want to go on meaningless dates (it's not me anyway). I'm so lost right now, not sure whether or not to take a leap of faith and move back to the city or stay in the country with my family but every time I do take any kind of risk it backfires :( ... I'm not sure whether to go to college here and find work here or go back and do it there (what I wish to do). I don't have many friends here or there and really, I have no idea where to live :'( it's very hard to lose someone you love but to lose everything else too makes it even harder. I'm also thinking of my first text out on the 6th july cos that's the date we met and I have an idea what to say but can't guarantee he'll respond. He's going through pain and depression so I'm not sure what will happen ... What do you think?
      Reply
    • Sean
      Hi Rihanna, NC are tough actually, im already in 3 months of NC and Counting. But i Ex girl seems to be darn happy about her college life and any other stuff that does not include me. To be honest, i did NC just to shape myself up and i felt better and im not as needy as before. During NC, perhaps you should find activities to keep yourself from thinking anything bout him. No doubt its hard but you gotta try. In fact up untill now i do still feels for my ex but im more to changing to myself to prove to her that i'm a better person today compare to last time. believe in yourself you can do it !
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Sean, and good luck to you :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      Thank you Rihanna!! I hope you will be doing great in a couple of weeks!!
      Reply
    • RAED
      Hey Rihnna, I feel you. It sucks. It fucking sucks. I wish I could just totally delete her in my life. But this fucking feelings just won't go away. I'm so depressed because I've got no one to share to. I have friends but I only contact them online, we are not seeing each other personally because they are busy. I haven't told my mom yet that we are no longer together because I don't know how to tell her out of nowhere. I don't want my mom hurt if I'll be telling her the real reason she broke up with me is because she doesn't love me anymore. I wish I never met her. It is better to never love at all than lost. I just need some hug right now....
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey Raed, I haven't told my mom either, but she got it herself. One day, she told me that she does not see any facebook pictures in which we are together. Does it mean that we are no more together. It was a hard moment to say yes to my mom! I understand you!!
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    • RAED
      Dara, Yes, it is really hard to open up to ypur family that you are no longer together. I just hope one day they would get a hint because I cannot really tell them. I will find it harder to see them hurt as well.
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, Thankyou for all the help so far. Im not really in a rush to get my ex back. I wantes to have a higher chance to get her back. Would my chances increase if i wait for 2-3 months rather waiting for another month? Thanks in advance.
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    • Rihanna
      Good on you, Daniel! I love your attitude and good luck!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Rihanna, Thanks. I hope i get some positive response from her. I need all the luck on the world.
      Reply
    • RAED
      Daniel, Rihanna, I am not a religious person but what if we pray for each other as well? We can pray to get our ex back but I think we should pray to Him to help us decide what we should do for the better. Whether want our exes backor just move on. I think we should pray not for them to change their minds but for us to value ourselves more because above all, it is WE, ourselves, that need most of the love we would wnt to give.
      Reply
  • Kevin
    I’ll be unavailable from 10th June 2014 to 23rd June 2014. That means I won’t be able to approve new comments, reply to your comments or emails. Read more about it here.
    Reply
    • Brandon
      Hi guys, i want to share my story. It's been 2 months since my ex girlfriend and i saw each other and 3 months since she broke uo with me and i did NC for 45 days. For those days i improved myself, i went to gym, buy new clothes, i continue studying a particular language, i hang out with friends. To make the story short on june 8 (yesterday) she texted me (maybe because it is my bday today) she said hi and how am i doing. I waited an hour before before i replied. I said im ok and i asked the same. Then she asked me if we could meet. So i said sure why not. We met at a cafe around 2 oclock pm. Then when she walked towards me shee look upset and looks like her tears gonna fall in her eyes. So asked her whats the problem. She said i'll tell you later. So we had a normal conversation then when our food was served i asked her again on what was bothering her. Then she started crying because she saw a picture of me and a girl posted by her friend in facebook (dont know that this girl is her friend a long time ago) I just met the girl last saturday when i attended a bday party of a friend. This girl i was talking about wanted to take a picture with me and some other guys was teasing me with her, so as a gentleman i agree to take picture with her (well the picture turns out a little bit sweet) to make the story short she saw the picure on facebook and she saw the comment by the people on the picture which for me i dont have any intention to make her jealous. I was shocked when she started crying and she said how can do this to her. She said she was hurt and feel betrayed because until now she still hoping for us. Its funny because it seems i cheated on her. So i explained to her that it was just a picture and it was just for fun and nothing serious about it. And she asked me how would i feel if i saw a pucture of her and a guy that are sweet to each other. I tell her i am not looking anymore to your facebook page. Lol! Then admit i will also get jealous so i understand her. So just told her that there is nothing to worry about because until now i still have feelings for her. Then we talked about us but i never asked her to come back to me. Eventhough she never told me that she still loves me i can still see it in her eyes that she has still feelings for me. I asked her if somebody is interested in her and she said yes but she dont entertain the guy. We still both agree that we still both need time and space. While we are sitting she hug me. She said she wanted to fix everything but it is hard for now because her family is involve. So i said if she still need time i will give all the time that she wants. But if she find someone else i told her that if she could give me the closure because i think everyone of us deserve a closure. Eventhough i still love her guys, i can say i am happy now even if she wont come back to me. Then after that we say goodbye and we hug and kiss each other ( that where i told myself that she still love me) And later at night i treat my friends for dinner and we drink to celebrate my bday in advance. Exactly 12 midnight she texted me happy birthday. Well now im still gonna continue what i am doing. If she contact me i will just be cool and reply to her but i will not gonna initiate first. We will see what will happen next, if we are meant to be then God will find a way but if not i know at that time everything will be ok for both of us indivudually. So guys time heals, enjoy being single, improve your self, go out, and be happy. Coz if our exes will comeback,they will and if not im sure you will just smile and say "no regrets, it still worth it" Brandon
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey Brandon, I think you have done it with style!! Good job man! My NC started just 2 days after yours. I also feel great about myself. My ex girlfriend did not respond to my text or mail till now. I have also started developing the feelings that being single is amazing! Though there are moments when I feel bad but they are really rare! I have even starting analyzing what if I start a new relationship with other girls and have already started flirting with some once in a while to make a move when I get sure about moving on! All my kudos goes to Kevin for his article which clearly talks about the benefits of his plan and here I can feel it! Good luck Brandon! Update us later!
      Reply
    • Brandon
      Hi Dara, It is good to know that you are ok now. I guarantee you one day she will contact you. For now just continue what you are doing. I know it is hard to fight the urge of contacting our ex but be strong. If you feel like calling her or texting her just go out leave your phone at home and do some sports or hobbies that you love. Now if you feel 100 percent that you are ready to text her without any hope if she gonna reply to you then do it. Just say hi and tell her you remember her and hope everything is great for her. There is nothing wrong of going to date and flirting with other girls it will boost your confidence. If you are totally over her then if you are ready for a new relationship then do it. Just be cool, i am not saying stop hoping but be positive whatever will happen. If she will come back to you, she will but if not i know doing the NC and being happy with yourself will make you a accept the fact that its over. If she cant give you the closure that you need i know time will give it to you. Every relationship is different my friend, you will know by then if it is time to give up or continue hoping. Goodluck! Enjoy being single coz you will never know when you gonna be single again. Lol! You will miss it.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hi Brandon, Thanks for the advice. I don't have that strong urge to call or text her. I randomly see her in the gym, on average once in a week. Then I have the urge to look at her or see if I could talk to her. Though I was successful in not talking to her but the last time (yesterday) the urge of looking at her was quiet strong. I went on a date last week. It was fun. Its been a while that I have started flirting with girls hear and there. But apparently, a part of me still prefer my ex over them. I will wait for two more weeks before the next contact. By the way, I believe till now you have done it great!! Good job man!! Best of luck!!
      Reply
  • Jan
    Hi Kevin, My ex girlfriend and I broke up about 6 months ago reason why is that she found out I cheated on her in the beginning of our relationship. It was a huge mistake, I was drunk and stuff happened. We went out for about 5 months, and we were pretty serious. We both loved each other. A month after the breakup I find out she's going out with one of my friends, I was pissed but I played it cool. Just up until about a month ago I tried contacting her to see how she was doing. She blew up at me and said she doesn't want to speak to me and that's she's still trying to forget about me. I haven't contacted her since. Now I'm confused, I don't know if I should try contacting her again, or just move on. Do you think there's still a chance. FYI it's been almost 6 months after our breakup. And also we live close to each other so I practically see her almost everyday.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, If she is angry, that means she still has feelings. However, since it's been 6 months already, I'll recommend you try to move on. You've already wasted six months pursuing her and wasting more time is not a wise idea.
      Reply
  • calob
    Hey kevin my gf/fiancee of 3 years broke up with me she said i have done enough to make her not love me anymore but the weird part is she came and got her stuff from me the strange thing is when she saw me she had this look i cant explain. She looked sad but also just depressed and looked as if she missed me she tells me that her heart belongs to another should i belive this and just give up? Should i presue this any further? I have had friends say we saw her and this guy grabing on one anothers thighs. Is this still her rebound relationship or is it her im over you im moveing on relationship?
    Reply
  • Rina
    I just finished my 30 days of no contact the other day so yesterday was my first contact text. I started off by saying 'I have a confession to make'...to make him interested in what I was going to say. He replied 'what's that'? And from there I waited a whole hour before texting him back in which I said 'I was cleaning out my room and found my copy of Fifty Shades of Grey with a Huron Shores motel business card in it. It made me think of when you gave it to me after I picked you up from the boat. It actually made me smile'. Then he replied a couple hours later 'there are some good memories no doubt about it'....I waited 20mins before telling him I was meeting up with some friends and that I would talk to him later. He bought the book as a gift for me and the motel we stayed at was nothing but an intimate and fun time for us. We hadn't seen each other for three months so it was nothing but a postive memory. What should be my next choice of action? Do you think that went well?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Yes, it did. Wait a couple of days and text again.
      Reply
    • Rina
      Anyone is welcome to comment. I sent another text after waiting a couple days and I wrote asking if he remembered when we were both sick on my birthday and how we just laid in our living room all day watching episodes of our favorite show and then I told him some news I heard regarding the show. He hasn't responded to my text at all. I think there might have been a little too much emotion in that text message and he could be picking up on what I'm doing. Or he could be busy and that's why he's not responding? I feel like I goofed my progress up! Any thoughts on what I should do? Go into NC for a little bit could be a good idea?
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey Rina, I think you did a great job the first time! For now you may apply NC for a week or two. Next time try to convince for a short meeting like coffee. This is all I can say for now! You can even wait until Kevin is back! What I have learnt here is that there is no harm in NC! Good luck Rina!!
      Reply
    • Rina
      Thank you for your reply! He ended up texting me and we chatted for a bit. He just asked for space when we broke up and were in kind of a in a long distance relationship. Meaning he leaves for work for a couple months at a time and then comes back. So I need to build up our conversation a bit more before asking to visit him. I just want to respect his need for space and don't want to rush anything. So, how long should I be waiting in between texting him and how can I build up that reattraction? Thank you!
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    • Dara
      Hey Rina, Glad to hear that! So you are doing great!! Give him the space he wants. My personal suggestion is that you can even act like you also need more space and time. About texts, go cold if he is cold and act warm if he is warm. Don't be too available. Time gap should be more or less same as his in sending texts. LOL I used to bombard my ex girlfriend with text messages and now I am commenting you!! Good luck Rina!! Hope to hear good news from you!!
      Reply
    • Rina
      Dara, We sent a few texts back and forth just yesterday and it seemed to go well! My instincts are telling everything is going to work out! I'll text him tomorrow and try and make some conversation. We've talked about a couple positive memories and I think doing NC with him has helped to get rid of most of those negative feelings! He's not one to initiate conversations other than yesterday he asked if my car was going to be alright because I posted a Facebook status saying I had the worst luck with them and just laughed at myself! So that was thoughtful of him to check in on me. I think this will work out!
      Reply
  • Martina
    Hey Kevin, I've been written here, but I need your advice again I will try to be as short as possible My relationship with this guy has never been defined, we saw each other four months, everything was great, but he was quite hesitant, he did not want a relationship, he hurt me, because at the end he said that we should be just friends.. we were very close and he showed all the signs that wants something more with me I was broken. He broke the contact because I was too needy (I guess), then I decided to improve myself and I read your articles. I started no contact, and it's been exactly one month, and then he contacted me FIRST on facebook .... I was surprised (You told me you think that I was probably his rebound .... for me it was hard to believe, but after I have long thought, I think you might be right…) So after NC,he began to contact me very often, like before ... it’s been 40 days now ,so I was thinking to arrange a meeting… but last week he started acting strangely,he don’t write me any more, not even respond to a message... just out of kindness-“I'm busy, contacting you later” It worries me, I try to be cool about it, but I see that he is different I do not know whether it has to do with an event. It was a concert in my city (he lives in another city), He told me he will come with his friends, and invited me to come ... This is the kind of music I don’t listen (and he knows it), so I politely said no and told him that we will see another occasion, he took it just fine. but I've noticed that since then he become cold Kevin, I do not know what should I do now, I do not want to start a conversation about us through Facebook, we were not on meeting since we first broke up ... I do not know what to do now, I do not want to lose him, but I'm stuffering ... I do not know whether I should still wait to see how he will behave, or should I contact him at all .... or should I try to arrange a meeting as soon as possible? I really don’t know…please help
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    • Kevin
      Hey Martina, I am sorry to say this but in my opinion, he as just looking to hook up with you while he was in town and now that you've declined him, he is cold again. He probably had no intentions of starting a relationship with you and was just testing if you were available for hooking up. In my opinion, you should cut all contact with him and don't reply to him anymore.
      Reply
    • Martina
      I see now that he blocked me on chat on facebook so that i cant see him anymore However, i think you have right ,thank you very much I think i need to remove him from my life,for my own good :(, i sufferd too much thank you for everything Kevin
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, thanks man. You are really a great help. I also think the same, that maybe i acted too early but i didnt make any follow up texts. She is so eager to be independent and prove to herself that she is fine alone. Im kinda worries about thia because it may take a lot of time before he opens up to me again. I need to prove to her that i dont want her anymore that im over her and im not needy. and that all i want is friendship.
    Reply
  • Kirsty
    Hi Kevin, I commented last Sunday. My ex and I were on and off for 18 months. He said he wasn't ready for commitment and we'd both been badly hurt. He now has a gf of about one month who has a an 11mth old child with someone else. I had a engagement BBQ to go to. You told me to not talk to him for more than five mins at a time and be positive/happy, that you thought she may be a rebound and I stood a decent chance. So I did what you said. There were only 8 of us there in total and he didn't bring her along. Throughout the day/ evening I found that he would always be sitting next to me or near me. If I got up out my seat he'd quickly sit in it. I was sat on the floor in the living room and he made a point of knocking me and then resting his feet right by my arm so we were just touching. I pretended like I didn't notice. Then when all in one room together he text me saying "hi". I didn't reply. 4 of us including him shared a taxi home as we live in the same areas. He broadcasted that he wanted to get dropped off at his gf as he was "getting lucky". I made no response. I was the first drop off point. He text me and I asked him to delete my number as I didn't think it was fair on anyone. He said "no don't delete my number we are friends". I ignored it. I heard from him briefly earlier but I said I was off out on a date and to have a good day - he didn't respond. Have I ruined things? I'm devastated he stayed at hers last night. I'm unsure if I can get him back. Do I start 30 days again?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      You did great. However, telling him you were on a date was a bad idea since it was pretty obvious that you said it to get back at him. But I think it would've still made him jealous. You don't need to restart NC.
      Reply
    • Kirsty
      Thanks for replying so quickly kevin. Can you explain your thoughts on his actions? The always being near me, texting me whilst we were in the same room but then going back to hers...do I still stand a decent chance?
      Reply
    • Kirsty
      Just to add when he contacted me today I said it wasn't fair on his gf to be texting me, that I was happy for him and to take care. Was that wrong?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      If you are still in no contact, then it wasn't wrong.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Trying to get a reaction out of you. Testing whether you still have feelings for him. And trying to make you jealous. Yes, you do have a decent chance.
      Reply
  • David
    Hey Kevin: So at the mutual friend's wedding I saw her for the first time since the breakup. We talked in a group at the reception and she responded to the things I said and laughed when I told a funny story or whatever. I asked her a few questions about herself and she asked a few about me when we talked one-on-one. I thought it was going ok, so I asked her to dance. She said "no, I don't think I want to". Later I asked her if she was sure she didn't want to dance, just for fun and she said "yeah I'm sure". When we danced in a big group she made sure she wasn't right next to me at all. At the after party she didn't really talk to me and seemed to avoid me completely. I sent her a text this morning saying that I hope it was alright to ask her to dance, and I just thought it would be a fun way to break the ice. I'm glad we all had fun anyway! And she didn't respond, but I know that she's awake. Is this a bad sign? I really don't want to give up on her. It just seems like she is trying to convince herself that there's nothing there between us anymore. How do I reverse that?
    Reply
    • David
      Nevermind, she responded but I know that she had read my message several hours before she ended up responding. She said it was alright that I asked but that she thought it wasn't a good idea. But she also said yeah last night was a lot of fun! So anyway, I'm worried that I've made my intentions pretty clear with her. But she probably thinks that my intentions are just to get back with her, when really I just want to show her that I've changed and am more enjoyable to be around. What do you think I should do? Should I respond to her message and try to make that clear, or should I just drop the subject that I asked her to dance, or should I not respond at all?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Don't respond. Do a week NC and text her.
      Reply
  • Austin
    Please help me... I found some of ex's clothes is my room. We have talked in about 3-4 months and I sent her a message saying I had some of her clothes. We agreed upon a place to meet. What should I do now..? I'm comopletley lost.. Please help!!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Give her the clothes. Be confident and if you haven't done NC till now, end the meeting asap and start NC. If you are done with NC and are confident, then talk to her and try to have a good time with her.
      Reply
    • Austin
      I sent her a text after this to see how she doing, and I haven't gotten a response for 2 days now, does it mean she's ignoring me on purpose? Or is she done with me.?
      Reply
    • Austin
      So I was recently cleaning out my room (moving out of home) and I found some of my ex's clothes, I sent her a text saying that I found them, and we agreed to meet at her house. I went over, and I apologized for everything because I didn't wanna be on bad teems anymore. I didn't contact her for about 3+ months when I texted her about the clothes. Anyways, I didn't want us to be on bad terms so I gave her a hug and all that and then I asked her if she hated me. Her reaponse was " I dont have a reason to hate you, we had some really good times together and I'll never forget them" and then hugged it out and I left. I do want her back.. But she told her friend who told me that she isn't think I'm hot anymore, nor is she interested in me anymore.. She is the perfect girl.. Is their still anyway that I can win her back..? Please help..
      Reply
  • Ruth
    So I met up yesterday with my ex for lunch. I looked hot, was positive, happy, etc. and everything went well, I think. Then later in the day I sent him a text message to say thanks for lunch (he paid and said I could get it next time) and that it was nice to reconnect and be able to hang out. I got one back the next morning and it had the word "friend" in it. How do I avoid being totally friend zoned as we start to hang out again?
    Reply
    • Ruth
      Some context is that he broke up with me because the spark had faded a few months before. Not sure if I have a chance if that is the case..
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Don't worry about being friendzoned unless he starts talking about his other romantic interests with you.
      Reply
  • Vicky
    Hi all, I’m truly puzzled, please help me understand the difference between the two: 1) at #1 Deadly mistake Kevin puts an example: “Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look desperate and needy to your ex, e.g. – Hey, just calling to see how you’re doing. Translation: I’m miserable without you, please come back. ” Here is my problem. I’ve been in absolute NC for 2 months (being all needy and pleading prior to that). So how will a letter plus a text saying “Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.” (just quoting random example) sound any different to my ex, other then – oh, she is contacting me again. She must be missing me and desperate to get bk together. I’m only asking this because after 2 months I want to initiate contact, but am not sure how to avoid leaving the above mentioned impression.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Because of the no contact. By doing NC, you've shown already that you are not needy and you are willing to let him go. And the template that I mention in the article is not an empty message like the ones people usually send after a breakup when they have no idea what to say and only want to hear their exes voice.
      Reply
  • Marie
    Hey Kevin! My boyfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and immediately after that I begged him for a another chance because I was so sad. I asked him if we could try something. So we have agreed 3 weeks ago that we don't have contact for a month. But you said, that we shouldn't tell our ex that, so is this no-contact month senseless now? I also wrote him after a week and asked him if he does something to miss me and he told me that there is a 51 % chance that the feelings come back. So is this senseless? Because we arranged that.. And if so, what can I do next? In about a week he wanted to contact me if it worked or not. I'm so desperate right now but I really don't want to lose him! Can you help me? What should I do next?
    Reply
    • Marie
      P.S. I'm turning 18 next week and my boyfriend is 20 and we were together for about 2 1/2 years
      Reply
    • Kevin
      No it's not senseless. It will still work. Make a lot of positive changes in your life during this time. If you are still desperate when he contacts you, tell him you need some more time and do NC for another month. As long as you are desperate, your chances of getting him back are very less.
      Reply
  • James
    Hi so I took your advice after last time. Basically had no contact and send her the letter..she got in touch saying she's really happy for me but can only be my friend. I know it's important to establish the friendship first so what would be the next step after that. Thanks
    Reply
  • dew
    Hey kevin, please help me out. I was the bitch in our relationship. I treated my ex bad. Even he also treated me as shit at the end. But we were so madly in love for nearly 3 years but this sudden stormy situation ruined everything. I admit that he's the best guy I ve ever had and he also says that I'm the best girl he has had in his life. At the latter part we faught so often. Our rekationship was a bitter pain for both of us.. yet we stayed togethr because we remembered how much we loved eachother. But on my birthday i got a big surprise gift from a guy who likes me.but my ex just wished right at d mid night and thats all. I didnt know who sent me that gift so i asked my ex whether it was him. After i found out who it was i told my ex about that. He wasnt mad. But at the middle of the convo we faught for some reason and i told him that we're so not the right couple. Then he said that he got some messages from his ex and told her that he lives only me. He said that he woukd just go to her if he knew that i didn't believe we're the right couple. So i asked him to go back to his ex. He said ok and left. Then i found out that he's in a relationship with a girl (not his ex) who he met in a dating site who lives oceans away from here. We were just friends after we broke up. And after i got to know that he'sin an online relationship i asked him out again. He said no. :-( is there a chance that he would come back to me? Plus he said he likes me 99 but he hates me 100. :-(
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Dew, You should apply no contact. There's a chance you will get him back, but from the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Do NC for at least three months. Think very hard if it's possible to have a healthy relationship with him. Approach him after NC only if you are absolutely sure that you can have a healthy relationship with him.
      Reply
    • dew
      I'm doing NC since last week.. it acts in the other way I think. I mean like now I realize that I treated him bad. Every rude thing I did flashes my mind.. I doubt that we can have a happy relatinship even if he comes back.. I have my final exams in august.. so I thought of concentrating n the exam. I ll learn through my mistakes. I ll do as u say.. :-). Thanks a lot..
      Reply
  • Musa Ahmed
    Hi Kevin how are you? Here is a quick summary of my situation, I was in a 4 year relationship we had our ups and downs and tried our best to keep things strong but eventually hurt each other and then she couldn't take it anymore and gave up on me. This was around 9 months ago, I pleaded, begged her back but of course it didn't work. There has been a few times where we would communicate via text, she would message me saying I saw you in my dreams last night. After that we had a argument which made her upset.This was just under a month ago ever since then I have been doing no contact so that is about 22 days no contact so far. My question is do you think she's thinking about me or missing me? Also her birthday is 9 days time? Do I message her happy birthday? Will that break the no contact rule? I'm so confused if I should message her happy birthday or not? Please help me. Thank You
    Reply
    • Kevin
      She is probably missing you. Wish her birthday but keep it short. Don't contact her after birthday for 1-2 weeks.
      Reply
    • Musa Ahmed
      I have wished her happy birthday today let's see if I get a reply. If I do I will not respond for 1 or 2 weeks then what do I do Kevin?
      Reply
  • Ladychic
    Hi Kevin, 7 days ago my partner of 7 years just walk out on me and my son and said he's not in love with me anymore and that he felt it for quite a few weeks now. The most devastating thing is he is with another woman who i trusted and was so very close to me. It really broke my heart to pieces knowing they're constantly communicating behind my back. Now he's with her and said he fall in love with her and wants a future with her. I don't know at this point what i'm going to do, i'm still in so much pain. Although i did the bad thing of begging when he walked out but that was it, i didn't say anything again or rant to him about what he's done to me. I love him so much that i want him to be back in my life and start all over again. We have a 5 yr old son so it's hard to do the NC thing. What should i do to make him come back to us? He's with the woman now and she has a child too which was my son's now ex best friend.... Him spending time with them is not gonna do good in the eyes of my son. Please help. Thank you. G.
    Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, Now that she didnt reply. What wise move should o dp next? Wait weeks? Or months? And what to text her? Really need your advice. Thanks
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Daniel, I'd recommend you wait a month. I think she can use one more month of no contact. There's a text about GSI in relationship rewind in the death's door section. Use that one. Although, skip the first part of the text since you didn't really act too much crazy after the breakup.
      Reply
  • Zach
    Hi Everyone, It's been pretty nice having so many people that understand what were all going through and with everyone being so supportive of each other, it makes things so much easier. I am grateful to everyone who has commented on my post, you guys helped me out of some dark places, so thank you. I'd like to say its been fun guys but that would be a lie hahaha, I'm just happy I am moving past this time in my life. That being said I am still glad I have had the opportunity to talk to you guys, I hope the best for all of you. Kevin, its been great and I thank you so much for your help through this but I can honestly say I hope I never need your help again hahaha. P.S. One last thing everyone, whenever you feel as if things are at their worst, just remember, when everything is dark and cold, even if you can't see it, always know the sun is just over the horizon. So no matter how long the night last, the sun will rise again. If you have ever watched the sun rise, than you know what it feels like to be kissed by the rays of the sun, those first few beams of light that run down your face, to be engulfed by that warmth that envelopes your entire body...its waiting for you!!! "It's always darkest just before the dawn" Good Luck, and Goodbye
    Reply
    • Rihanna
      Good luck to you Zach! What's going on with you, why the 'goodbye'? :)
      Reply
    • Zach
      Hey Rihanna, Its all on the last comments page, close to the top, it was a series of post between a bunch of us. It should explain the goodbye.
      Reply
    • Rihannac
      I read that you were giving up and it's disappointing although, if you've moved on then it's great for you and good luck! Wishing you all the best for your future :)
      Reply
    • Ruth
      good luck, Zach! Something better will come your way and you will wonder why you even considered getting back with your ex. All the best!
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    Dear Everyone, I just want to share my experience of NC so far and I hope to receive some feedback, I'd really appreciate it. It's been about 3 weeks since my last contact and in the beginning I was numb although it was hard 'not' to act crazy with excessive texts and pointless phone calls. However, recently I have been missing him terribly that my anger/disappointment with him has decreased and this emotion of 'missing him' has taken over any other feelings I may have had when we first drifted. I've been experiencing some panic attacks at night (something I've never experienced before), sleeplessness, drowsiness, nausea, loneliness, and anxiety (minor). I've learnt some breathing techniques which help temporarily but then, all those negative emotions come back and I wish I could cry but I can't although I feel my tears could drop any second. Sometimes I ask myself, could someone who once claimed to have loved in a 'deep and rare' way and 'never have felt this way before' simply disappear and not look back? or could that very person have exaggerated his feelings? or that sometimes circumstances force people to act a certain way? How could somebody who once claimed to 'not being able to live without you' suddenly go completely cold and switch off his emotions? My NC period has been an awakening period for me, I've been looking after myself, I have plans ahead, I'm trying to enjoy a moment each day but I'm human and can't help have these feelings of disappointment and grief. I hope I can pretend to be strong and cool (and I am putting that front because no one understands my situation where I am) so, I hope to get some of your insights, your hopes, your experiences with NC and mainly, what it is that you're doing to move on in your plan B? Thank you everyone, sending my love to you all xx Rihanna
    Reply
    • Sarah
      Hi, I can feel you I am having pretty much the same feelings. It is just that I asked him for too much and gave him an ultimatum. I thought that I was right that he had to do more for our relationship. We have had a long distance relationship for 4 years now and I couldn't take it any more. I was so angry with him. After two months it is clear to me that I want him and I love him more then I thought. All the pride and anger are gone and it is just the hurt that remained. I finished the NC and I contacted him. He answered me just a polite e-mail and after that nothing, no answer at all to the short messages. I was terribly wrong. Every night I cry myself to sleep and every morning when I wake up I can just feel a big kick in my stomach and the panic attack starts. Hang on and if you have the energy to enjoy the moment, its the best thing you can do. Good luck.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, I believe everyone here has more or less the same feelings as you do. For me about 40 days are passed and now I feel far better than the day she broke up with me. In the first 7 days, maybe I had all sorts of dreams/nightmare about her. In some, we were together again while in some other she was with another guy. It was terrible. However, as time passed the intensity of my negative feelings decreased. Probably because it was not my first breakup plus I worked some much on myself that I almost got my self-confidence back. Yes, it is annoying when I think about the love letters/notes that she used to put in my wallet, bag, etc. to surprise me but the last day she told me she never loved me. I kept those notes and kept reading them everyday. This is how I fell in love with her, but she didn't want my love anymore! Even though in the first days it was hard to hold a smile on my face, if my friends asked me about her, I would say, "Its life and people come and go, I think she is gone. Lets see how the next one is..." and we would laugh at it. Maybe they felt bad about me because they knew that I had a surprise B'day party for her just 20 days before our breakup and I had prepared another big surprise for Valentines day with the help of another friend. Anyway, whenever I feel stupid about doing those many favors to her, I tell myself that she is gone because she did not deserve it. By the way, she was not all bad. LOL Rihanna and Sarah, take your time. Work on yourself. Learn to become a bit selfish. Time will heal everything. Cheers!! Dara
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Sarah and Dara, Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear that we're going through this pain and not sure if our exes even care. My ex and I had a loving breakup cos it was due to circumstances and now we live in different cities. He's been ignoring my calls and texts ever since I came except for once almost a month ago when he called to ask what I want to do with my stuff? And I thought, ummm there's NOTHING I can do because I left town so told him to chuck everything away to goodwill but asked him if you could keep my books and said 'ok, will do' in his final message to me. I'm the one who should be angry and never want to speak to him again cos of his attitude and how he treated the circumstances (he had an injury and doctors told him he couldn't work and he ran out of money too)... I'm on my third week of NC and plan to text him in a month time 'something reminds me of you' but if he ignores that text as well I think as hard as it sounds I'll try and move on... I have a feeling that he'll want to contact me someday and that day will be too late if he keeps pushing me away now. I was in one other long term relationship before him but we had zero connection, zero love, zero intimacy for the entire time so I walked out of that very long relationship with zero regret and I don't miss him at all... My ex is my first experience with true love (even at my age, I'm in my early 30s) and he always loved that about me too. We had a passionate, loving relationship, we had trust, great connection, great communication and people envied what we had wherever we went cos it's that rare kind of love. I wish to know whether he's thinking about me during NC, or missing me. How will I find out these things? Wouldn't he get in contact with me if he missed me? and sometimes I wonder if he was honest with me, the only thing that gives me hope that what we had was real is that he invited me to stay at his family home (and I did) and he introduced me to all his friends and relatives as 'his fiancee'... I need a guy's point of view here to see what goes on inside my ex's head? lol
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, Today, I miss her the most considering last 2-3 weeks. Maybe its a weekend and I am alone by myself. Its strange because last week I was even considering moving on. I am 31 and had 6-7 relationships from 6 months to 2 years excluding my last one and many dates. I am sure that non of my friend will ever imagine that I am looking forward to win my ex back. Once, I had a long distance relationship with a girl for 6 months but eventually I broke up with her. It was fun in the beginning but my problem was that we never had intimacy because of her religious points of view. I had to support her emotionally but did not get in return what I expected. Moreover, I did not like the pet names she kept on me (probably she thought that she is acting funny). Also, on those days I had terrible financial problems (was student and hand no job) and preferred saving every single cents rather than spending on a date. Well, it hurts to be a man but your girlfriend who is also not in good condition take you on a date (well don't forget a non-intimate one). My feelings were gone. To make things worse she would criticize me for not responding her texts. It was all unintentional. It was like a force made me not look at her texts. One day, she got frustrated and asked me to breakup. I accepted it but could hear her crying on the phone. I felt so bad about myself that I felt like I should have never started this relationship. Soon, I started looking for another girl. She called me after a month. This time she was firm and not needy.We had a wonderful night together. She had a royal kind of dress. During the dinner, she kept saying how sexy, handsome, etc. I looked... that I am the man of her dreams, blah blah. But I was thinking if I looked so sexy then why don't you have sex with me!! I walked her to the Inn where she was supposed to stay at that night and she screamed "I love you" even when I was far away. Rihanna, this was my only long distance relationship and I decided not to have any LD anymore. Also, I never promised her anything and I never told her "I Love You". I am sure that every man has his own reasons for breakups and I don't know what is ideal to your ex. Kevin has an article about LD breakups. I hope you have seen it. Have a great weekend and keep calm! Dara
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Dara, I wasn't in a LD relationship I was living with him but I moved back with my family to a different city Because we broke up and we broke up due to financial circumstances due to his health. He wouldn't allow me to support him $ cos he's old school so he sent me to my parents and broke contact with me... Do you think he'll come back? He said he's never been in love before me (though he's had lots of relationships and was in a long term before me too) and I've never felt this connection with anyone either... I'm sooooooooo sad! :'(
      Reply
    • RAED
      Rihanna, Hey, I feel you. When the break up is still fresh, i am so clingy. Then i suddenly feel good alone and feel good about myself. Just as i thought that im already slowly moving on, i had again these panic attacks especially at night when i will suddenly jolt out in bed and wanting to throw up and palpitating. I hate that feeling so much. I have been sick since then. I have been physically, emotionally and psychologically tired. I tried pretending too that I can do it but it's hard to fake yourself. At times, i get so mad at her because she seems fine that i just wish i will suddenly forget her. I dont want to be bitter because it will only backfire on me but i dont want to feel concerned about her too. I dont know where to stand so I cannot help you with it yet. But Kevin said that it is normal when you are trying to do NC and you suddenly crave for him because it is your fucking mind playing tricks on you. I dont know how to make you feel better but i just want to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE :)
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Thank you Raed and Dara. May I ask how long into NC you're both into? And if you've had your first contact after NC, how did that go? I'm not sure how different men and women are when it comes to matters of the heart but from your comments I'm sensing men can also suffer a breakup just as bad as women. I'm sorry to hear of your sufferings and thank you for your comfort and support. I think from what I've sensed from this program is although the title of it is 'how to get your ex back' it's really about how to move on and be ok with it. the NC serves a very good purpose to the mind and to be able to trick it back or train it into believing that we'll survive alone and without our exes. But it's a kinder way of saying 'move on and don't look back cos your ex is an 'ex' for a reason' so the title is 'get your ex back permanently' - that's if you still want them after a lot of time has gone past and you've become a new person. I guess, either way this is a great program and Kevin is giving a lot of his time to offer us support in our time of grief to enable us to move past our hurt. The only confusion I have with my break up is that we never fought, we had a 'wonderful' relationship if only we had some money to back us up. I regret my past decisions because if I had taken better care of my pocket I'd be in a different position, I've suffered so much and lost a lot more financially and otherwise and the only joy I want from life is to 'love'. And now that's gone too... But thank you for sharing your stories, you've been great help too (as well as Kevin). You're not alone either, I'm here too unfortunately :( ... Thank god for this site so that I can vent out cos I have no one to do that with and thank god for someone like Kevin, he'll keep us sane with few white lies and good advice... Enjoy your weekend
      Reply
    • Dara
      Rihanna, I am sorry. Apparently, I was a mess after so many weeks of being fine. I just found myself asleep by this comment. I wasn't drunk either! LOL Truly no one can say if he will come back or not but as Kevin always comments, you can increase your chances by working on yourself. Men, in general don't like to be financially supported by women though they will appreciate the intentions. This is all I can generalize. I wish the best for you and hope things happen for the best! Have a great Sunday!
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      And by the way, there's nothing wrong with myself and I'm happy with who I am physically and otherwise, I don't want anyone who'll fall in love with the 'change' in me but to love me for the truth in who I am... I'm physically attractive and intelligent too... we ALL can always work on ourselves in order to keep evolving in a positive direction but don't change to get somebody's attention unless that change is a MUST do for your own sake etc...
      Reply
    • Daria
      Rihanna, I can completely understand where you are coming from. A couple of days ago my partner who I lived with ended the relationship of 2 years with me. It was an incredible relationship, we experienced a lot together and everyone always said how they wanted a relationship like ours. We were absolute best friends. The past couple of months were tough, he had lost his job so couldn't afford to pay bills etc and we got ourselves into a real rut. I helped him in every way, with money, trying to find him a new job but he was on a downward spiral through depression, doing drugs and lying a lot. I suggested that we went on a break so he could move home and sort his head out. I went three days without speaking to him until his mother called me saying that he had just had a huge row with them. I got in touch with him and he took the break as a break up. I'm not sure what he did in the three days of NC but something completely changed his mind about me. We had a two hour long phone call two nights ago in which I cried and couldn't believe that he could end something so good. I've supported him through so much, and although his mind isn't in the right place at the minute I really believe that he has made his decision. I'm (hopefully) seeing him later this week for him to collect his things, but he's not spoken to me since the phone call and I've been obsessively facebook mailing him, yet no reply. I feel like I'm going insane.... I want to give him NC but I can't stop thinking or dreaming about him, I haven't eaten in days and my sleeping pattern is all messed up. I'm afraid that he has slept with someone, I'm afraid that we'll never speak again. I have written him a letter filled with memories and hopes for the future which I'm hoping that he will appreciate and see some sense, I don't know what else to do, we were planning marriage and everything....
      Reply
  • Mark
    Hi kevin, My girlfriend and I broke up more than one week ago, and for the first day of our break-up, I did all what you said in the first stage. After 2 to 3 days I came to realize that I looked so needy and I pitty myself for that, so we talked and I said that ok I'll give her what she wants, I will fixed myself first and when I already did, I will win her back and I will make sure that that will be permanent and she apologized to me for what she did to me, she said she doesn't want to break up with me but she needs to because she's not healthy for me because i'm hurting myself and she's afraid and also we are not growing together, she wants me to have another world aside from her. And my big problem is, we are now on an annual vacation for 1 month and all our plans together have changed. I really wanted to do the NC but we have to meet each other because we have almost same set of friends. How can I do that if shes always around and after this vacation we are leaving in the same roof and working in the same company? And I get confused to her because when we last met she said that she missed me, she can't live without me, she wants us to watch a romantic movie just the two of us and even she even wants to continue our site visit for a house which is what we planned to buy for our future. I know her because if she dumped you she will never come back, and if she said that she doesn't love you anymore she really does, but the thing is she never told me that she don't love me anymore and when i asked her she didnt reply. I know her because we've been bestfriends before we became lovers but I know by that time that our feelings are mutual. So what will I do now? How can I carry this burden? Hope you could help me.. many thanks
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Mark, Tell her you need some space and time and you'll appreciate if you both don't talk unless absolutely necessary. Start NC. Read this article to learn how to do NC when you are living together.
      Reply
  • Gina
    My question is relating to social media . I don't see much about how much should be displayed. I post something here in there to show how nice I look or me having fun on Instagram. He insists that we follow each other and that I be happy for his new relationship. How much is too much to display? Or should I not put anything for a while?? We may never get back together since he got engaged a few months after the breakup. Rebound relationship extreme??? However, I know he wants to me be happy and to 'find myself' and be confident but I am a mess. But your info confirms what I have been thinking all along, he would not be attracted to the needy me. I will follow the steps to a better 2.0 me.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Your social media activity should be the same as normal. It shouldn't look like you are posting too much just to get him jealous.
      Reply
  • Peter
    Hi Kevin and everyone. I read your great article. Thank you so much. We broke up one year ago (reason- my jelous) and I have been bombarding her with text messages and calls after it for a VERY long time. After this I made a 4 months NC, but it's didn't work, she just told me "Never call me, I'll never want talk to you" Are there any rules to get her back ? Like, NC for longer time, or maybe try again to contact her.. Thanks!
    Reply
  • John
    Hi Kevin, I sent you a comment 2 days ago, but no worries I appreciate the number you are handling. My question is my girlfriend went back to the States 2 months ago from Ireland where I'm from. It was not a good break up, with me looking for a distraction and her reading some e-mails I had sent to 3 friends looking to rationalise some negative behaviours , she is a very strong, independent and stubborn person and I really got on well with her Grandmother who is a really nice and caring person who understands fully what is going on with her kids and grandkids. Would it be fair to give her a call to see how my ex is doing and to see if she thinks my ex might be prepared to make up with me if we both can put in the effort, one of acceptance , respect and mutual understanding for each others points of view?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Nope, not a good idea.
      Reply
    • john
      Kevin, Thanks for the reply, will run through with "No Contact" for the 30 day period and see how things feel / stand at that stage. Have you seen people reflect on their negative sides during this period and do they ever tone them down? I have negative behaviours that I am working on at the minute. She was willing to do so much but I let the fear of thinking too much and not being open with her about things that I did not like or appreciate and never always clearly let her know my feelings so we could both learn together.
      Reply
  • Drew
    Well, my girl and I broke about three weeks ago. I made the mistake by not doing the NC rule. I know I have her heart and she has mine. I realized the mistakes we had, but most lies on my shoulders. Idk how I became so clingy and dependant on her. Never done that before. Can't forget about the so dumb argument (s) I initially started. The NC rule will help me work on myself and make a game plan to work things out. Any feed back or any tips and tricks that will benefit my need will be appreciated. Thank you.. Drew
    Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, She didnt reply to my text. I said i remembered a fun activity we did and reminded me of her. She didnt reply. I admit that it was a little sad and disappointing but overall im okay. NC did have an effect on me. Im just wondering is she indifferent on me now? Thankyou kevin. I am not devastated again. Thanks so much for everything. :)
    Reply
    • Daniel
      And btw what course of action do u think is wise from here on? Text her after 2 weeks? Or star a 3month NC? She was so eager to break up because she says she doest want us to be dependent on each other. Maybe she wants to prove to herself that she can be independent. Since she was 14 we were alreay together. Maybe she wants to be independent and try it because she has been in a relationship all her teen life. Im not sure but this is my best overview of the breakup. What action do u suggest? Thanks kevib.
      Reply
  • Charles
    Hi Kevin, my situation is MORE COMPLICATED though. My girlfriend broke up with me 3 days ago whilst we were doing long distance for 4 months, but we have been together for 2 years. I will be flying back home were she also stays and we work together, so I will probably get to see her before I get to write any letter or ask her out on a first date. Because we work together, I can't really do the no-contact rule since we will inevitably interact, and I only have one week before she sees me for the first time after all these months. She broke up with me because she started to feel pressure from me over the long distance, and everyone back home was throwing this pressure in her face, and it made her feel like I own her or something. So what do I do? Since the break up a couple of days ago, I haven't pleaded with her or begged her, or acted too needy. All I did was tell her that I realize my faults, and that maybe we can work it out when I come back in a week. But she feels unsure and nervous of me returning, and she hinted that her feelings have changed. But I'm certain the person I had become over the distance had changed from the man she fell in love with. Help, please.
    Reply
  • Clayton
    Just started NC. Before the breakup (3 weeks ago), she made a commitment to take me to the airport. I fully expect her to contact me by text to see if she still needs to take me. I intend on making other arrangements. How do I handle the text? Ignore? Or just politely let her know that I made other arrangements? The latter seems proper as long as I'm concise and to the point about it.
    Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, I plan to tell her this if i have to initiate friendship first. Before i started NC we were friends. My only mistake is i was emotional and i always texting her and chatting her constantly making myself looking needy. Because i was still addicted to her but now things have changed. Thabks to you. "I think its a nice idea if we can stay just friends, just casual and in good terms. We were once important to each other. The relationship may have been long over but it would be a shame if we also throw the frienship away. If youre comfortable with this suggestion of mine it is much appreciated but if not it is fine and acceptable. :)" Is this a good message to initiate friendship with her? Thanks kevin. Youre opinion is much appreciated. :)
    Reply
  • Andrew
    Hey Kevin, I am in a unique situation. I am trying to win my ex back and she is dating this other guy. She still tells me that she loves me. She says she is scared to get back with me because I was the one that ended it with her. I have done ur steps. I just don't know how to prove that I have changed. She is dating this guy as a rebound and we have been dating as well. How do I get her to leave him permanently and be with me because she says that she has thought about it a lot recently, it is the fear that is preventing her?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Stop forcing her. Let it be her idea. It might take time, but it'll happen. Start going out on dates meanwhile.
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, Im nervous. I will contact jer later this afternoon. I am so ready im just nervous what will her rection be. I hope it's good. Thankyou for everything! Doing this for free is very kind of you. I wish i had seen this sooner and never made mistakes. Thankyou so much! :)
    Reply
    • Dara
      Hey Daniel, I believe your nervousness is natural because apart from your ex, you need to prove yourself that you are no more needy. Well, even best students get nervous before their exams. I believe you can do it really cool! Good luck man!!
      Reply
    • Daniel
      Thanks dara. Making this frst contact is important. It doesnt matter if she responds or not. I just gotta plant something positive about me in her mind. Thanka for the support. I wish you the best as well.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      Good luck Daniel, I hope it works out for you and let us know how she reacts to your first message... wishing you all the best :)
      Reply
  • Dawn
    What do you do if you work with the person? How do you not have contact with them? Any Suggestions? Thanks!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Treat him like a colleague. Don't have any conversations with him unless it's absolutely necessary. If you have to talk to him, keep it short and to the point while being cordial.
      Reply
  • yk
    Hi, Kevin First I'd like to thank you and this website for shedding some light in my life. Before I found this website, I was a real mess. I have some questions, and if you can help me a bit, that'd be greatly appreciated. My ex wanted to break up with me 3weeks ago from 3year relationship. At that time, we were sort of living together, so I had to stay together for next 10days because of my commute, job…etc. Eventually, I had realized that I can not live like this, so I basically disappeared when she was out of town. Obviously, during those 10 days I made many mistakes mentioned on this site, and also we had sex few times despite of her strong determination to break-up. It’s not that I forced her, but I have to admit I’m the one started the move out of desperation. Each time, I felt horrible, and she felt horrible. And after I moved out of her apartment, she texted me how sad she is and I ignored that for few days. But I decided to stop by her apartment to talk one night. That was before I found this website, and I didn’t know any better. I made more mistakes at that time, and ended up having sex feeling horrible again. I texted her few times after that night, but there is no response. My question is that I’m not sure if I destroyed any chance of getting back together by having physical connection with her during the break-up…. Also I’m not even sure if I’m at the death-door stage or indifferent stage…. I’m on 5th day of NC and hoping there is still a chance. I know it sounds ridiculous… but any advise would help me at this point. Thank you so much, yk
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, I don't think you did too much damage. You are in the drift stage. However, I'll recommend you do one month of no contact before using the tactics in relationship rewind.
      Reply
    • yk
      Thanks for your response Kevin, That gives me a little hope. So you’d recommend to go relationship rewind tactics over handwritten letter you recommend on this site to reach out for the first time?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      YK, I recommend the hand written letter to get back in touch (depending on your situation). It's very effective if your ex is refusing to reply to you. Or if you've made those mistakes after the breakup. Once you are back in touch, use RR tactics to establish friendship and create attraction.
      Reply
  • veronica massey
    hello kevin, i am 20 and my ex is 21..we broke up quite long ago around one year back after 1 year of strong and happy relationship, due to some family issues and few misunderstandings.. he blocked me from every social site...being very clear i tried chasing him for few months but then left him to realize about all that happened..he calls me up sometime and we talk very normally,,sometimes when he feel low he prefer talking to me as a friend.. every time he asks me to meet something or the other happens and the plan fails.. we recently met due to a mutual friend who came to meet all of us but we both didn't talk.. he has now unblocked me from everywhere and randomly calls me someday.. i want him back..please help! (we were friends from past 3 years..)
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Vernoica, If there hasn't been a period of no contact till now, you should do it for one month. You should start making some positive changes in your life. After no contact is over, get back in touch with him and then eventually ask him out. Don't be available to him all the time.
      Reply
  • katherine
    I was so depressed when my ex want to end our relationship , i felt empty and lost for a while. It has been 22 days since we became not friend and not even a lover..somewhat like ex = sex ..... this relationship is killing me, I was badly wounded by my ex after 7 year of knowing each other,in the end he treat me with no respect toward my feeling. I hate myself for failing over and over for this stupid friend with benefit relationship. I was about to making a choice of moving on ,and i saw this post. Right after my comment i will start a NO CONTACT with him. I love him and i wish he can think about me during NC time...
    Reply
  • Natalie
    Kevin, I am doing limited contact as you suggested. But I had to email him about something I promised to update him about earlier, and he responded thanks for the note, and that he should pass me back his keys to my apartment and there was a bill for my car. I said I'll write him a check, how does he want to do the exchange? No reply for 2 days. I emailed him to ask if the bill mentioned anything about smog check, since my car is due for it this year. He replied immediately saying yes, and that I need to bring the notice to the station, he will pass me the notice as well. I simply replied, got it, thanks! But there is no indication of how he is going to pass me the things. Do I wait for him to respond with how he wants to pass me everything, or see if things come through the mail? He is a passive person with regards to making plans. Should I email back to ask, should we meet up somewhere? But I don't want to exhibit too much push behavior, or appear anxious. I am also getting quite annoyed at how cold/passive he is acting, and am slowly losing hope for my situation. Thank you.
    Reply
    • Natalie
      A part of me is thinking if the way I was cool about the keys is giving him second thoughts, hence the lag in reply? Or am I just fantasizing and having too much hope for him?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      What you said might be true. But there's no point thinking too much about it. I think you should just wait a couple of days and ask him again. It won't seem pushy because you are doing it to get your things and you need them. So, don't worry about it.
      Reply
    • Natalie
      To be honest, Kevin, I don't even know if I should be trying to get back with him anymore. We dated for 8.5 years (our first 3 was LDR), and it feels like he was unhappy for at least a few months. He started saying he felt numb since more than 6 months ago, and every time we fought he told himself that he will break up with me next time we fought. He is such a stubborn man, and I think he has a victimized mindset, and thinks he has already done what was reasonable for the relationship. It's been 2 months since he left, and now he is even colder to me than before I did the NC. I finished NC 3.5 weeks ago, and he doesn't even contact me unless I contact him first. He was willing to meet up that one time, but so much emotional distance. This week he removed me from his work calendar that he was sharing with me, but I still have access to his personal one (which doesn't have that much stuff). I know I shouldn't try to figure out what he's thinking, but everyone is telling me that he took me for granted before, and he doesn't like to talk about our relationship to anyone, even his own parents. He is such a closed door. Moreover, our social circles don't have to overlap if we don't want it to (all our friends are busy with work, and there is no obligation to invite both of us to events, if any). But on the other hand, just before we broke up, he was doing some really sweet things for me, and even suggested, after a huge fight, to try to work things out (with weekly evaluations etc) for a month before we should decide to break up over our problems (which he did, since we argued one week into our month-long trial period). I know I need to be patient, and I want, not need, him because we have something special together (we encourage each other to achieve bigger things, and we have the same goals in life, and people say we are really good together). And I am willing to fight for that. But I am really angry/disheartened by his behavior, and just don't know if I'm trying to hold on to a lost cause. I am trying to keep my heart open to other possibilities as well, but keeping the door open for this one is giving so much grief, and effort in getting friends together. A good friend said that a man wouldn't walk away unless he was really unhappy for a long time and doesn't see a point in making things work anymore. =( Do you have any opinion on this? Thank you... sorry for the rant.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Natalie, I know how you feel and I think you are moving in the right direction. I don't know what will happen and whether or not he will come back, but it's good to hear that you are considering other options. Letting go of a 8.5 years relationship is an extremely hard decision to make. And no one can make it for you except you. I think you should do NC one more time. This time, make it a little longer. This will give you some time to think things through, and perhaps he will become a little less stubborn as well. If after NC, he is still cold, maybe you will be able to finally decide to let him go.
      Reply
    • Natalie
      Thanks Kevin. I had the same thought after I calmed down last night. I will give him a few more weeks to heal, and for myself to work through my hurt feelings. I know that I will not give up the chance to fight though, and I will only stop when I leave the country in 7 months. A good friend of ours is coming to town next week and will hopefully be able to talk to him. Because of graduation and social events, we will probably meet over the weekends of the next 2 weeks, but I will try to be impersonal, and not talk about anything personal, and mirror his behavior. I will be the fun person I always am. I don't know how things will go, but I might ask him out for coffee once or twice after that, and judge it from there. I know we need to relearn how to have fun together, but it really depends on how receptive he is.
      Reply
    • Natalie
      Kevin, in your email series, you mentioned the 'bad memories healing' and 'missing you badly' cases. I just looked through our communications since I last ended NC 3 weeks ago, and I noticed that his replies were polite but pretty impersonal. Sometimes there was some response about how he felt about certain events (which mostly did not involve us, or just that it was awkward at dinner cos our friends seated us together). And the hot/cold behavior during the friends' gathering. If he doesn't contact me voluntarily, is that an indication that he doesn't miss me at all? I see him 'liking' some girls' photos, which he usually wouldn't (those girls would normally make me jealous), or checking in to places (which he never does), a few hours after I posted photos about some fun activity that I am doing. Do you have any suggestions/metric by which we can evaluate which phase he is in? Thank you for your help so far!
      Reply
    • Kevin
      I think it depends on the length of the relationship amongst other factors. It's not always possible to put a formulaic approach to relationship. I guess you can look for signs, but deciphering signs of an ex can be a really emotionally and intellectually overwhelming task.
      Reply
    • Natalie
      Kevin, I think I will let him go and accept that he is gone. If he decides to forgive me, and decides that I am right for him, fate will bring us together. I will live my life happy by myself, and continue to be his friend. As I said before, our lives don't really have to overlap anymore if he doesn't want it to, so I'm not sure if anything will happen in the next few months. It is scary to look ahead, but it is the only way now. People say some couples get back together a few years later, but it's too far in the future, and I just don't have the emotional energy anymore. Step 3 of RR also seems too intentional for my personality, and I just don't know if it will work with an intelligent and stubborn man like him. I almost sank into depression this weekend, and it's just too much to handle. Maybe it's true that we can't give each other what we want. It's frightening to imagine that I can find someone like him, but who knows. It's just too bad this was both our first relationships, and we made so many mistakes. Thanks for your help over the past few weeks..
      Reply
  • RAEd
    And Kevin, i wasnt ble to receive your June 5 advice. E3
    Reply
  • RAED
    Hi, Kevin For the past four consecutive dys I have been feeling so good about myself. I'm no longer depressed, no longer dreaming of her, no longer scared if she's with someone else, no longer losing my appetite. Up until the point I don't feel like wanting her back. I am enjoying my freedom right now and it's only now that I can say being single is good. But now, i dont know if it's some kind of hormonal imbalance, i crave for her again. Just when i thought i have moved on, is this normal? And yes I do the NC because i want her back and i want to make the slate clean, but im afraid because im somehow enjoying my single state. I dont know if i will be out of momentum again if ever we get each other back. And if ever we get each other back, i dont know where to start. I mean, we might fight for the flings we had during the breakup stage. So? Thanks!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, What you are feeling is completely normal. Our minds try to hold on to loved ones and the craving is a result of that. Don't act on it. It'll go away. As for the fighting, well, the best thing to do is learn some communication skills during this NC. Fighting always starts with a disagreement, and disagreements can easily be resolved with proper communications. I highly recommend the book "Non violent communications" by Marshall Rosenberg, if you want to learn some very effective communication tactics.
      Reply
    • RAED
      Hey Kevin! Thanks, i'll download one soon. Last time i have been feeling okay alone and independent and I no longer want her back. Then lately i felt that I crave for her again and I would like to beg her to come back. Is this feeling normal? I'm afraid if i do the NC rule then suddenly my hormones would act up crazy again and miss her so bad that I would mess up the NC. I ask her if i shall stop pushing my luck onto her. Because one time she's hot then will suddenly go cold. She said she doesnt want to stop the friendship. I told her to just stop contact and she said NO. I'm tired of her silly mind games, what do you think her actions is trying to tell me? Shedoesnt want us to stop contact w each other but she is still sure that she doesnt want me back. Help!
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey RAED, Yes, it's normal. It's the withdrawal symptoms. You will soon start feeling better and more stable. Stop trying to figure out the meaning of her actions. She is confused and if you try to understand what she is thinking, you'll also get confused. Instead, start NC and concentrate on yourself. Do everything you can to make yourself happy.
      Reply
    • RAED
      Thanks, Kevin! I have not gone straight of no contact period but somehow little by little I can see changes in myself. At times I am even thinking if I still want her back. And I have lots of plans for myself and friends and family for the years to come which I don't have any time to do before. And gladly she isn't in any of those plans. But if she will be the one to ask me to come back, maybe i can fit her in. The lesson that I have learned going through this break-up and moving on period is that I need to have plans for myself and when someone comes, I'll just stick them in. Unlike before I cannot make any plans if I don't have a partner. That's why when she left, my plans are also gone with her. So I've come into conclusion not to build your dreams around people or objects because it'll be gone sooner or later. My happiness should depend on me. I hope I get it right. Thanks, Kevin! I know you're off for a while. I'll wait for you after the 23rd.
      Reply
  • Trina
    Hi Kevin, I left you a comment, but I can't seem to find it.
    Reply
  • dew
    Hey.. kevin is there a way to contact u personally?
    Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, Im confused. I cant follow all the steps in relationship rewind. Like setting up a gig for a group. We are not so close to our respective groups. And it will be hard because we ate not always available. Although i i think i can set up some coffe pr movie dates pnce we are okay again. I guess i have to listen more to tour advices. But i also picked up useful tips and steps in relationship rewind i just cant implement everything. Thanks kevin. I hope she accepts me when i reach out
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Even though I've tried to make a one size fits all guide over here (and so has Ryan), it will not apply to every situation. Relationships are complicated and it'll be next to impossible to have a guide that fits to every situation.
      Reply
  • Rihanna
    Kevin, Thank you for being a great support. I would like to know if in my situation, since we didn't have a normal break up and our separation was due to circumstances would I be in the drift stage or death's door (since he's disappeared). Also, he agreed to keep some of my belongings with him the last time we spoke about few weeks ago, do you think that's a sign that he would want to see me again? Throughout the relationship he kept telling me 'I want 'us' to work and I don't ever want to lose you', do you think he still feels that way although we're apart? I must admit I feel stronger, I'm doing things to improve my life situation although in small steps and I am looking after myself so hopefully by the time I text in a month time I'll be strong enough so that if he ignores my text hopefully I would be in the stage of 'accepting we're not for each other'... But from your point of view do you think we have a chance together? thanks heaps
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Rihanna, I think you are in drift. However, since he is going through depression, I don't think you can apply the tactics in the drift stage unless he is ready to start communicating.
      Reply
    • Rihanna
      When I check his 'last seen' on whatsapp he's on it everyday (but only once or twice maximum), so he is either going through old messages or talking to someone and even if it's briefly he is talking to someone it seems. In the beginning, I bombarded his brother with messages to ask about him and his brother kept telling me that he's not talking to anyone but I'm not sure I believe that. I haven't messaged him or his brother since May 22 but been updating my profile from time to time and I'm sure his brother would tell him any new news I post, but I keep checking his brother's facebook page to see how my ex is doing since he's gone cold with facebook as well (not that he was that active in the first place). I'm thinking of messaging him 6 July cos that's when we met and send him the 'something remind me of you' text but what is the best question to ask him to instigate a response other than 'how are you?' I'll ask him that as well, but I want to ask something he'll want to answer, should I mention something about the books I left behind? or maybe an advice of some sort? Thanks kevin
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Rihanna, The book thing and advice both look like a good option.
      Reply
    • Leo Wright
      hey Kevin my name is Leo Wright I use the NC rule for 30 day with my EX she found out I was cheated with my other EX that I left her for see we been dating for year but she said that we were never girlfriend and boyfriend and we never had sex I did say I wanted to wait for marriage but we would lay together naked i'm a man I want to have sex but push me away each long story short I cheated with my EX for sex after she said that she couldn't deal with this and more the day before she said I not her boyfriend WHAT DO I DO???
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Do NC again, for at least 2-3 months. Why do you want to be with someone who wouldn't have sex with you? There are a lot of girls out there who will have sex with their boyfriends. Why don't you find someone who will?
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, as soon as you reply on this comment ill contact her. What can you suggest to be my frst approach with her? I already sent her the letter suggested above beforw. You alsod told me to follow steps in drift but i think its not applicable to me because im the one to initiate friendship. Maybe the text suggested above? Just want your suggestion thanks. :)
    Reply
  • Chris
    Kevin and Others, I want to thank you all for helping me through all this! Early in Mar my ex gf broke up with me and I was confused. I wasn't sure what to do or was she. She did the whole I want you back approach and I wasn't sure what I wanted so I ignored it. I hanged out with her a few times in Mar and we had fun and I made mistakes which I said a while back in previous comments I followed Kevin's NC guidelines and it does wonders. I went from a nervous, desperate, unattractive guy to a happier and confidant guy. I didn't follow Kevin's plan till late March and by the middle of April I changed into something better I've never been. I've lost 20 lbs, I'm eating a healthier diet, I'm taking much better care of myself even before I went out with her for almost 7 months. I'm finally confident enough to contact her and see how she has been doing. She's been texting random questions lately so it seems the communication lines are open and she's not being cold by ignoring me. So for now I'm going to continue with my life and get back in touch with her and see how it goes from there. I'll going to hopefully ask her out for drinks or something in the coming week and this time I feel that things will be better and I won't be canceled on. Even if I don't get her back or I just get her back as a friend. I'll be happy with whatever the result is. The other people that just broke up or have been for a while, I've read your stories and I can relate to them somewhat and I hope for the best. For a free service, Kevin does a lot for everyone of us and I appreciate everything he has done. His comments to everybody and his emails are amazing and are insightful. Anyway, sorry for the long comment but thanks to everyone here and I wish the best for all of you and I'll hopefully return in the future with my new story. -Chris
    Reply
  • Daniel
    Today is my 30th day of NC. I feel awesome. Im good to go. A bit neevous but i guess its part of the chase. I plan to contact her on the 16th because that is 3month anniversary of our breakup. Is it pretty good idea? Also i might have overlooked your reply on one of my recent posts. Cant see your reply. Thanks kevin. Wish me luck! All the luck in the world. :)
    Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, I didnt receive a response from one of my recent posts. Its kind of long but not by much. Sorry, i just dont know if you have seen it or not. thanks. :)
    Reply
  • Zach
    I'm sorry guys but I think I'm out, I don't think I can do this anymore. I saw her today to tell her about this thing she loves doing but hasn't been able to find and I told her and I know she really wanted to do it because she always said she wanted to but she was just like nah, I'm not interested but thanks, it was just the way she said it. The only reason she said no was because it was me who told her about it and after that I just wanted some answers, an explanation for why she is being like that and all she would say was I don't care, leave me alone, and then I told her how I heard she started seeing a guy a week after we broke up and she said "yes I did" as if she was proud of it or something. And now I'm like fuck it, if she wants to be this prideful little bitch and is just trying to fucking hurt me then I'm done. I got home, went int to my weight room, wrapped my hands, put my gloves on and hit my bag for an hour and a half and I didn't stop until half my bag was red. I just don't think I can live like this anymore, I'd rather go back to the asshole I was before, go out and fuck an 8, 9, or 10 every week. maybe he was a piece of shit but at least he didn't feel like shit. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Right now all I want to do is go party, get drunk, go fight and get high. I want to get fucked up and stay that way until I just don't give a fuck anymore. I don't know what to do? For fucks sake I literally have blood, sweat and tears on my face right now. I just don't know what to do anymore.
    Reply
    • Zach
      *Comment Removed*
      Reply
    • a.z
      hey zach, almost most of us have been there before,and i know it sucks.first of all you didn't act the way you were supposed to like kevin said below my post the other day and second of all it's your right to be happy and party and do whatever you want.she was the one who left you and you have all the rights in the world to act the way you like and put yourself before her.but you don't have to be disappointed .maybe you made it harder to get back but you can always find a way.these are all some effective psychologies that if you make an effort to do it right,you can probably increase your chances.i think they are always two types of people who can't get their exes back. the ones who are overacting in emotions and the ones who give up and feel disappointed so early.you need to be calm,even though you feel terrible right now but i think you can get over this.be happy and enjoy your life,take some more time to heal,and also give her some more space.you need to be a totally happy person without her,then you can handle everything the way you want.this time you can understand the phase better and choose the right way.trust me when she notices the new you she'll be wondering why your not interested in her anymore.anyways i know your gonna be fine.just don't make it any harder for yourself.
      Reply
    • Zach
      Thanks a-z, I know I shouldn't have tried to talk to her after I informed her of the thing; but your right I did let my self go a little, not much, it was just a few questions. I guess it was the way she turned it down that got to me. I think for now the best thing for me to do is to find someone else and move on but at the very least I would like to be friends with her again one day. I'm also just a little worried about her, she is not a very self-confident person, I have yet to find out why but she just isn't, I worried she is gonna let some asshole take advantage of her and I know one will, my school is notoriously famous for it's sexual activeness. We have almost twice as many pregnancies a year as the other four schools combined. The guys there aren't really concerned with much other than getting there dicks wet, trust me on that one, I was kinda one of them but I was still better than most because I never fooled a girl into thinking anything I wasn't. I was straight up and honest with them and I was really surprised it worked the first time I tried it. But as for most of the guys there, they don't give a fuck, they will get a girl to love them and then sleep with them and when they get bored they drop them and find another or worse they don't drop them but still find another. I will say this ladies, and please don't take offense to this, but you girls can be pretty damn stupid when you have hearts and sparkles in your heads.
      Reply
    • Ruth
      hi zach, i feel for you as we have all been there. i think what you need to do is restart NC. it sounds like you have been in contact with her. during NC, you must resist all temptation to interact with her at all. i also suggest taking her off any social media you might have friended her on so you are not tempted to peek and obsess. we all get obsessive after a breakup, but it isn't going to help you heal and focus on yourself. it sounds like you might do some NC but not focus on yourself (rather than on her).. so i would suggest doing this, and really just focusing on yourself. only when you feel you have stopped obsessing abut her and feel good about yourself do you make contact with her, as kevin suggests. this may be 1 month, this may be 2 or more months. give yourself the space you really need to get over things and work on yourself first.
      Reply
    • LostGhost
      I was just about to come on here and ask for an update to your story Zach. Read all of your comments and was wondering what was going on. I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't understand why my ex is so cold and indifferent either but I'm only on day 5 of NC. We just got back from an insanely expensive vacation and I also spent a ton of $ on gifts for her. But got dumped before I could even propose. I know a lot of where I went wrong - insecurities and jealousy as a result of my first ex who had a string of affairs. I never fully resolved the fallout from that relationship. I'm praying that the advice Kevin offers will give me a chance. But she's so cold, like I never even existed in her life at all. Pictures from our trip a few weeks back show a happy couple. And then to come to this a short time later. I was angry at God too when my 13 year relationship with my first ex ended in infidelity. I told him to just fucking kill me you sob etc. I really lost it. And although I'm not very religious, my life has been a curse ever since. It's like the universe finds ways of providing elements of happiness only to snatch it away from me in a crushing way. I can't take much more either. I have everything I had to this new relationship and now I've nothing left to give.
      Reply
    • Britt
      I don't think this is the place for all of what you are doing. You are becoming almost offensive.
      Reply
    • Zach
      Hey Britt, I sincerely apologize for saying those things, even angry I shouldn't have said them. In all honesty, I envy those with religion, to posses the faith to believe in something like that. I myself however do not posses the ability to do so, I have tried many time but couldn't find it. I have turned my attention to study some small portions of Buddhism, but only the ethical values it teaches and its teachings of mastering one's self. Perhaps if I can do that then I will at last find some measure of peace inside myself.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Zach, I am sorry it didn't work out for you. I really am. However, I want to warn you that getting drunk, fighting, or even getting high is not going to cure the pain. It's like putting bandage on a broken bone. Sure, it might make you forget the pain for a while. But it will not make it go away. If you want to party, go ahead, but don't overindulge in alcohol. It's the worst way to get over a breakup. If it becomes a habit, you won't even realize where the next 5-10 years of your life went. Also, the fact that you feel like this right now means that you never really followed the plan. You never really finished the most important part of the no contact. During no contact, you have to accept the fact that your relationship is over and realize that even if you don't get your ex back, you'll be OK. It sure doesn't seem like you are OK with not getting her back in your life.
      Reply
    • Zach
      Strangely I feel better now, and I didn't ever go out and any do of that stuff I felt like doing, I only went to the gym and sparred with a couple people but that's it. I actually think for the most part that I am getting over her and I was just kinda angry at the time, I'm still working on emotional control and so I can still lose it a little but I calmed down and realized I wasn't so much as angry at not getting back together with her as I was at her for the way she treated me that day and how she tried to degrade whatever we had when we were together. More than anything I was angry at her for not even attempting to understand what I have lived with my whole life and will deal with until the day I die. The day I was diagnosed I was 8 years old and the doctor came out of his office and sat me down and told me straight up, he said "Zach, you have whats called bipolar disorder and ADHD, I know you don't understand what that means right now but I can tell you your life is not going to be an easy one, it's going to be hard and unfair and there will be days when you don't think you can take it anymore, you have to be strong now" I don't even remember my own 8th birthday party but I remember that day perfectly. He was right but now I'm getting stronger everyday. I was in no contact with her for 32 days, it's strange because up until today I have thought about getting her back everyday, half the things I looked at reminded me of her, especially at first but no so much toward the end but it was still there, and today the only time she passed my mind was when my friends asked me how things were going between us and that's it. And the only reason I'm on here is because I left the window open on my computer. I still care about her no question but since this started I have seen a side of her that I hadn't seen before and I don't like it at all, I think maybe I ignored it because I thought it would go away if I got her back but not anymore. I can't be with someone who can be like that and I'm moving on, Because of you Kevin I woke up and spent the days improving myself and now I'm a happier person in general, I thank you for that. I'm going to finish getting the help with my bipolar that I should have gotten so long ago and then I'm going to find someone who is worth the time and makes me happy.
      Reply
    • Dara
      Zach, I am glad that you somehow feel good now! It's really annoying to see that you have rough days lately. I'm sorry. Also, your view about religion is close to mine. This makes me feel that I have more common things with you. About your sickness, I had a friend who had bipolar. He sometimes acted like you (you know what I mean) and felt comfortable after that but first of all, there were very few people who knew about it, not even his girlfriend probably until their relationship got serious. Secondly, he acted so cool that once a girlfriend of a mutual friend asked him for date and he simply won a girl who had already been taken by a much more good looking guy!! I know that your pain was and is much deeper than mine. That is why, I recommend you more gym and even yoga! Also, I recommend you to search for sites regarding how to handle breakups! In short, they recommend avoiding anything that might remind you of them. In severe cases, simply change your town. Go to your grandparent's house for a week or more if you can. Good luck my bro!! Dara
      Reply
    • Zach
      Hey Dara, It can be pretty rough at times and the best way I can describe it is that it's like a roller coaster, its all up and down with emotions. It can be awesome sometimes, when your at the top of that hill you are full of energy and nothing can touch you, but sooner or later just as the laws of physics dictate, what goes up must go down, and when I'm down I am usually an angry person, its different with everyone, but for me I get angry and sometimes I start to think I might turn green and grow ten times my size. But after the anger that's when the depression hits. But with proper medication, the effects can be lessened significantly, unfortunately I was and still am in the progress of medication changes. And as for the getting girls, its never been a problem, I not bragging and as you mentioned your friend stealing a girl, that's what I did with her. I think the reason why we can do that is because as Kevin mentions several times, confidence is key and its hard to compete with a bipolar high, your as confident as they come, however meds also reduce the high and that kinda stinks but its necessary because too high can become manic and that can be dangerous to someone, because when you feel like nothing can touch you long enough and if its high enough then a person can start to believe it they do thinks that get them killed. And once again I am feeling great today. So that is good, I hope everyone else has more success than I did.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      That's great Zach. Good luck. :)
      Reply
    • Dara
      Hey Zach, Thank you for sharing us your secret. I should say that my younger brother also had some kind of mild bipolar. Almost everyone around knew that he has some kind of mental disorder, but he displayed it so cool that most of girls around would fall in love with him. I know that he dated sexiest girls of his school. By reading the style you use in your comments to express your feelings, I can say that you are an intelligent person. Why don't you channel your intelligence, knowledge and energy into something useful? Girls terribly love men who are strong, intelligent, daring and successful. Ideally, this kind of man is hard to find but you can try to be one. Go for it my younger bro!! Best of luck! Dara
      Reply
    • Zach
      Hi Everyone, It’s been pretty nice having so many people that understand what were all going through and with everyone being so supportive of each other, it makes things so much easier. I am grateful to everyone who has commented on my post, you guys helped me out of some dark places, so thank you. I’d like to say its been fun guys but that would be a lie hahaha, I’m just happy I am moving past this time in my life. That being said I am still glad I have had the opportunity to talk to you guys, I hope the best for all of you. Kevin, its been great and I thank you so much for your help through this but I can honestly say I hope I never need your help again hahaha. P.S. One last thing everyone, whenever you feel as if things are at their worst, just remember, when everything is dark and cold, even if you can’t see it, always know the sun is just over the horizon. So no matter how long the night last, the sun will rise again. If you have ever watched the sun rise, than you know what it feels like to be kissed by the rays of the sun, those first few beams of light that run down your face, to be engulfed by that warmth that envelopes your entire body…its waiting for you!!! “It’s always darkest just before the dawn” Good Luck, and Goodbye.
      Reply
  • Illusive
    Hey ! I read your blog and I find it interesting. My girlfriend studies and I am a musicianI travel the world playing music and she is stuck to her studies..we recently broke up because she told me that I expect too much from her,and that she is tired of waiting for me to get more independant..she also told me she doesnt approve of the way I "live" ..dont know what ever that means..I also said I was going to learn german as thats where I live and met her, and I havent because I didnt have time inbetween my music and gigs. She also told me I am unpresentble when I go with her to see her family and that she wants a man that has the same or equal education to what she has. She also told me that I needed to be more flexible and easy going and that she had warned me times before that she didnt like my character in that sense..She was my world, pretty much the only normal thing in my life. What she told me broke my heart, I did just about all the mistakes mentioned from the above. I only came across this article after doing all the wrong things.. over texting over e mailing.. i sent post cards from my last gig in canada. I even sent flowers worth about 100 euros to her house. I apologised profusely but I guess she felt I expected her to be like "ok I forgive you" but she wasnt..so then she said more hurtful things and I guess I might of said some things back. We dated for a year and half..everything was cool but she flipped out on me 3 weeks ago.. 2 days before mothers day on the friday before M day..because we had an arguement over her not letting me know she was still gona be with her mom for that friday night, ( I also live 1 hour outside the city so I had to travel by train to the city for her to have not informed me to not come or save me any wasted time ) We loved eachother like all couples, She says she is tired of waiting for me to get my german school studies together, and that she shares no common ground with me anymore..and that I dont give positive energy..what else did she say? hmmm.. oh ya that she doesnt see any thing good from being together with me in a relationship in future. Then she told me a week later she just needs time...so we agreed on a no contact thing for 30 days..but somehow I feel i messed it up too much and my chances are now completely ruined.. she says she still has feelings for me but not in a relationship way, she says she doesnt share any intimacy attraction to me anymore , her friends dont like me her mom and sister dont like me. But i dont get why she spent 1 year and 6 months with me for this to all be wasted.. for her to just give it up,, Im 29 and she is 24 years old.. I even told her when we got together that I thought she was too young for me and she will probably get tired of me and want some german guy with his combed hair and smart suit clean cut type with the same education as her. I almost predicted the outcome in a sense..I also felt a bit alienated in a different country living there..and being around her and her friends and not speaking any german didnt help me feel any more confident or comfortable...and she always told me I was different and liked me for that and the way I was. she told me I was her first love..also she told me she loves me first I never pulled any moves to take things to that level. But now I have grown fond of her and in love back at her and now she has in a sense given up on me.. she told me her heart isnt into it anymore, and she doesnt want a relationship with me.. But in the same way she also goes asking about me to my friends behind my back to see how and what im doing..and saying she feels emotional attachemt to me still. Any advice kevin? you would be a real life saver! I told my girlfriend I would be better and change and get more motivated etc.. but she says she doesnt feel like in her gut she can belive me anymore..im really sad.. I have had about all the insomnia stress anxiety a man can handle. Thanks in advance if you have a moment to reply Kevin! cheers J
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, It makes sense she doesn't believe you. Everyone promises to change after they've been dumped. And very few of them actually make the changes when their ex takes back. Instead of telling her you'll change, do NC and make the changes, and let her see it for herself.
      Reply
  • Trevor
    Hey Kevin, I sent you a couple of comments in the past couple of weeks and have not seen a response to either. Is there anyway I could still get a response? Also, just wanted to let you know how motivating and useful your daily emails are! I am in day 3 of my 2nd stint of NC and feeling great this time around already. Thanks. Trevor
    Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevin, I think i have reached the right mindset. I not craving for her. I dont mias her that much. I dont gl crazy on her. On short im not asddicted. I have also mentioned that there are times that i feel so great and forget her. This is how i feel now. I want her back because she is a great woman. She is pretty, have good values and good family, though our relationship had issues that is caused by her. I beleive it can be resolved and changed. Is thia my go signal? I feel so good for myself i cant help taking slefies. But i dont upload them lol. I also feel like i look good more than ever. Is this my go signal to reconnect with her? Thanks kevin you are a great help to everyone. Thankyou for getting me out of the desperate and chasing situation. You made me realiE how important NC is. Now i can go pn with my life even without her though i will regret letting her go but its okay. Thankyou so mch. :)
    Reply
  • Jenny
    Hi, I'm 30 and my ex is 34. We dated long distance for a little over 2.5 years when he broke up with me. We had been fighting on and off for a few months. And after each fight he would ask for some time and space but I kept texting and calling him. He finally had enough this last fight and said that I didn't really care about him or love him. I only cares about my own feelings because I couldn't do what he asked for one time. He wouldn't have a conversation with me he just kept yelling and saying things like he didn't love me anymore and never wanted to be with me again. I asked him what I could do to even try to salvage the relationship and he said to give him 3 months with no contact, and at 3 months we could talk to see if it looked like I was making changes to be the same girl he fell in love with. He said it didn't mean that we would get back together but he wanted to see if I could finally do what he asked and make the changes I kept saying I would make. I agreed even though he said I wouldn't even make it 1 week. When I asked him if he would date during this time he said no because he needed 3 months just to heal. I left my belongings there to pick up at a later time which was his idea. I found out that he paid for a membership to the same dating site that we had met on the same night we broke up. I was even more heart broken when I found that out. I don't understand because of what he said about not dating during these 3 months. I am his first girlfriend. We had plans to move in together and get married. Not even a week later I emailed him to let him know that I thought I was pregnant. Well it ended up that I wasn't but I never heard anything back from him. I worry he thought it was a ploy to contact him. I apologized for contacting him and said I should've waited to contact him about it until it was confirmed. Then I wrote that I would give him his 3 months of no contact because I want to show him that I do care about him and love him. I've started going to a therapist to work on myself. I don't know what to think though. His family use to want us to be together but now I think they don't but I don't really know. Do we really have a chance at getting back together?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      You have a chance Jenny. Give him the 3 months and if possible, extend it to 4 months. Make positive changes in your life and don't pressure him into getting back together when the months are over.
      Reply
    • Jenny
      Thanks Kevin. Do I need to worry at all that he paid for a membership to join the same dating site that we met on (the site is meant to match up people based on compatibility with the intention of finding the person you will marry)? I worry he is going to find someone on there sooner than the 3 or 4 months of no contact. He was really angry and hurt the last time I saw him (when he broke up with me). I have no desire to date. I am trying to focus on getting myself to a place where I will be happy with or without him. Also, he forwarded the emails I had sent him about thinking I was pregnant but then it turned out that I wasn't to his mother and sister. They think I was lying and just trying to manipulate him into getting back together. But if I was trying to manipulate him then wouldn't I have kept up the supposed facade for longer than a few hours??? But he is going to listen to them because they are his family. He and I had had a conversation awhile back about how faking a pregnancy is so wrong to do and he even told me that he knew I wouldn't do that to him. Especially because his sister had a really bad miscarriage years ago. I've never lied to him, and we didn't have any trust issues in the relationship. I worry that there really isn't a chance. When I was able to chill out and not take my stress out on him we were great - people often were surprised to find out when we were fighting and now broken up. My mom kept telling me to not push him because one day he was going to reach a point where he would be too hurt to stick around even if he did still love me. Do I still have a chance even with the 3-4 months of NC?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Yes, there's still chance. There's also a chance that he might move on, but it's less. If he decides to get married with someone just because he is angry at you, then he is probably going to end up having a bad divorce. And there's nothing you can do to prevent it. So, there's no point thinking about it. As for the pregnancy thing, you've already told him what happened. If you don't contact him anymore during the upcoming months, he is going to realize that you were probably telling the truth.
      Reply
    • Jenny
      Thanks Kevin. I'm going to do the NC for the next 3-4 months. Meanwhile I'm going to therapy to work on my own issues to make myself better and happy. Thank you again! I'll update in the future as it requires.
      Reply
  • Kevin
    Kevin, I want to share this with you. There are times that i feel so so great that i almost forget about her. But then i pause and think about her. Is it my fear of moving on? And letting go of her? Im not sure. Sometimes i also feel that i wish she was with me so i can share my happiness with her. Im not sure about what im feeling. Thankyou kevin.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      It's very normal. You should continue no contact for another month. As long as you are confused about what you want, you should continue no contact.
      Reply
  • Daniel
    Kevib, Whats worse? Drift or deaths door? Drift indicates that she is indifferent. While deaths door is a phase where its hard to come back from. And the name itself is scary.
    Reply
  • Jaici
    Hey Kevin I have so much to tell ! but I will try to keep it short, I promise. So I went to Toronto this past weekend and I met up with my ex for lunch which was really good, I was confident and happy and it was like nothing had ever changed. He was all over me, kissing me and holding my hand and stuff but when we got in the car he asked me to sleep with him and I said no, I only sleep with my boyfriends and he said well we cant date which was disappointing but I tried not to let it get to me in front of him. He asked me if I was confused and I said yes and he said "me too". He drove me back to the hotel and stayed a bit while I got ready for a concert that we were both going to, me with my friend and he with his. He was all over me at the hotel as well, and he hugged me for a long time and said he missed me. Then he left to go get ready and pick up his friend and my friend and I left to take public transportation to the concert. So here is where it gets bad and I thought I totally blew it. I unintentionally got super hammered at this concert in front of my ex. I had no idea that I would get that drunk and I was somewhat out of control. My ex went to go get some cash and his friend started telling me that now my ex was trying to go for my friend and that he used me for the entire relationship. Now previously while me ex and I were together he had told me that this particular friend got a kick out of starting trouble and being a shit disturber and that I shouldn't listen to him. But of course, I was very drunk so I believed it and I talked to my ex about it in somewhat of a panic and he got pretty upset with me for believing it and with his friend for saying it and I thought for sure I ruined this whole plan and that it was over. But my friend talked to him and said something about how it was part of my ex's friends plan to get with her or something. It was all very dramatic. But anyways, my ex let it go and danced with me the whole night and we spent the night all over each other. I texted him the next morning and said I was sorry that I acted like that and thank you for the good time, and he said no problem hun I'm glad I got to see you. When I asked if he had a good time he said yes, it was amazing. Since then we have texted back and forth a bit but not too much, I don't want to bug him. What do I do now, just wait? what if he never says anything? Do you think I ruined it all? I dont really know where to go from here now. Can I please have your advice? Thank you so much Kevin
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, I don't think you ruined it all but you would've been wise to control your drinking while you were with your ex. Regardless, You should stay in touch with him, but back off for a while ( a few days). Plan another trip after a week or two.
      Reply
    • Jaici
      okay thanks ! I already have another trip planned for about 3 weeks from now. It is just very frustrating! on one hand I have "no I will not do long distance again, you are like one of my buddies" and then on the other it's "you're beautiful and I still love you and I regret breaking up with you". I have no idea what he wants from me, I am getting very mixed signals. I really don't like being his friend, I want to be his girlfriend or nothing, know what I mean? I just really hope this is going somewhere (although I know if it doesn't, I will be okay)
      Reply
    • Kevin
      I know Jaici, that's why you are on this website. You should take things slow for a while. If he doesn't make a move, you should give him an ultimatum. Commit or you move on. I recommend that you set a time limit for yourself (3-4 months) and if he doesn't commit till that time, give the ultimatum and mean it.
      Reply
    • Jaici
      Should I wait 3-4 months from now or from when I started this whole plan ?
      Reply
  • Ruth
    Just wanted to say thanks for all your advice. I asked my ex to meet up and he agreed (we are meeting for lunch during the work week which is probably a good thing for the first meeting, right? - short and sweet). I think it was all your advice working.. the NC period had him missing me in his life (he mentioned something about hoping I would contact him), then my initial contact after NC in which I mentioned that I agreed that the relationship needed to end (and I meant it - I was thinking of the old one we had, and it did need to end.. and am now thinking of anything we start as being new and better). To anyone reading this, I think this part is crucial because even though we have been in touch, it keeps him from thinking I am trying to get back together when I send him emails and texts, and then asked him to hang out. I think if I hadn't, he might be more hesitant or suspicious about agreeing to meeting up. The NC period also allowed me to feel better about the breakup and work on myself - I don't feel like I "need" him and am content right now with being single again. I plan to go into all of this sussing him out and sussing out how we interact in person and whether getting back together again is even something I want anymore. It will depend on our interaction when we meet. I don't feel like I am attached to the outcome of us getting back together. Thanks for all your support, Kevin!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Ruth, That's great. I love your attitude and this is exactly the type of attitude I recommend people to reach before ending no contact. All the best.
      Reply
    • Ruth
      Thanks, Kevin! I read some others' comments and I can see they are at an earlier stage (not dependent on time passed, but where their head is at).. and I can recognize those same feelings I may have had too. You really do need to make sure you are at a good enough place about yourself and your own life without your ex before you can pursue a new relationship with them, or even decide if that is what you really want. You cannot do NC as a formality and still be obsessing over them or just counting the days until you can contact them again (which I admit I was - I should have truthfully done NC longer). However, the email and texting time frame has been longer than I originally wanted (about 2 weeks now) which is good because it bought me more time before I see him in person, and more time means even more healing time for me. I don't "need" my ex anymore, but if the opportunity arises to get back together and all other factors are good when we meet up, then I plan to take it slowly and let things unfold naturally. I don't want the old relationship, but I want to start over - and that includes seeing whether things can work out between us. The reason I am open to starting over with him is that I think we are a good fit, and the issues we had can be improved, so I see the potential - but I won't really know for sure until we meet and I see how we interact with each other. Anyway, thanks, and good luck to everyone!
      Reply
    • Ruth
      Also, I plan to date other people while I am hanging out with him (and dating him? I'll see how it goes when we meet). I am going to take it really slow and not jump in so quickly.
      Reply