Whether or not you can get your ex back after cheating depends on three factors. We will talk about these three factors in a moment. But first, let’s talk about something far more important than getting your ex back.

Why You Cheated

You had a good thing going, and then you ruined it.

You had a good thing going, and then you ruined it.

OK, I understand. Monogamy is hard. Heck, monogamy is even unnatural. But monogamy is something that you agreed to when you started the relationship with your ex. When you decided to be exclusive, you promised them that you would only be with them and not any one else. And by cheating on them, you broke that promise. You betrayed their trust and you hurt them. You hurt them really bad.

The question is why?

Why did you hurt this person who trusted you with all their heart? Why did you betray them when you knew that it will end the relationship that you cherished so much?

There is a general opinion that the reason for cheating is different for men and women. The opinion is that men usually cheat mostly because of lust. They cheat because they are just horny and they want to have sex with as many beautiful girls as they can.

On the other hand, people believe, that women cheat because their emotional needs are not met in the relationship. They cheat because they are emotionally attracted to someone else and not just because of physical lust.

I personally don’t think it’s always the case. Men and women both can cheat because of either physical lust or emotional reasons (Also, both physical and emotional cheating can be devastating to a relationship). It just depends on what type of person you are. In my experience there could be three reasons for cheating.

1. Cheating in the spur of the moment.

You find someone attractive and you had a little too much to drink. You made a mistake and the next thing you know, you did something that you shouldn’t have.

2.  Cheating Because Of The Relationship Had Problems

You find yourself in a position where you are not satisfied with your relationship. You decide that a little affair might make you feel a little better about yourself. You end up having an affair and destroying your relationship.

3. Cheating Because You Just Can’t Handle Monogamy

Perhaps you are the type of person who just needs to sleep with other people. Perhaps, sleeping with a lot of people makes you feel better about yourself. Perhaps, a monogamous relationship is not for you.

A Few Questions You Should Ask Yourself

I don't know what I am doing with my life Doc. Why would I do something that I knew will end up hurting me?

I don’t know what I am doing with my life Doc. Why would I do something that I knew will end up hurting me?

Before you continue, it’s time to do a little soul searching. What was missing in your life that you decided to cheat on your ex? Are you sure that if you get your ex back, you will not hurt them again? How do you know you will not have the same problems in relationship that you had before (which lead you to cheating)? Even if you get back together, things will be more hectic than before, do you think you two can handle it?

(Read this article on should you get your ex back)

The 3 Factors That Will Determine Whether Or Not You Will Get Your Ex Back After Cheating

As I mentioned in the beginning, there are three things that will determine whether or not you can get your ex back. Here they are.

1. Their Level Of Investment

The most important factor is your ex’s level of investment in you. How much were they invested in the relationship and you? Their investment can be measured in terms of the time you were together, their level of commitment, whether or not you had kids, and how much they love you.

If you were in the relationship only for a couple of months and you cheated, then they will probably walk away without thinking twice. But if you were married with kids, or you were in a relationship for more than a couple of years, then they will think about giving the relationship another try.

Similarly, if you two had a great relationship, and they were madly in love with you, then you have a good chance of reconciliation. However, if your relationship was already a little shaky and they were already falling out of love, then this act of infidelity might just be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

2. The Level Of Betrayal

There is cheating and then there is CHEATING. There is a difference between breaking someone’s trust and completely obliterating their trust with a sledgehammer.

How badly did you cheat on them? Was it just a harmless kiss at a party? Did you sleep with someone? Were you having an affair for a month? Or have you broken the world record of infidelity by sleeping everyone of your ex’s friend and family members behind their back?

As you can imagine, the worse you cheated, the harder it will be to trust you again and the less likely are they to come back. Of course, it all still depends on the third and most important factor in getting them back.

3. Whether Or Not They See a Ray Of Hope In This Relationship

You cheated on them, so you can throw trust factor out on the street. They don’t trust you. Period. What matters is whether or not they see a ray of hope in this relationship. What matters is whether or not they feel like they can trust you again.

A little bit of hope can change lives.

A little bit of hope can change lives.

Your infidelity broke their trust completely. But everyone likes to have a little bit of hope in his or her heart. And your ex is not any different. They still wish that all the time and energy they spent on you and your relationship is not wasted. They still wish that all this didn’t happen and you were still with them. They still wish that there were a little hope that you could back together and they can trust you again.

And it’s your job to show them that hope. How do you do that? Well, for starters, you need to read the 5 Step Plan (which is free BTW) and follow steps 3 and 4 very carefully.

You have to stop contact with them for a while and let them process their emotions. You can’t convince them when they are angry. You have to give them time to calm down and so should you.

I am guessing you already apologised a thousand times so another apology isn’t going to help. However, accepting your mistakes and being completely honest about whatever lead you to cheating will help. I suggest you use a hand written letter for you apology (as explained in the 4th step of the 5 step plan)

You have to show them some positive change in yourself if you want them to think about getting back together. You have to show them that you are capable of change. You have to show them that you are capable of working on the relationship and the trust issues that will arrive if you get back together.

When you do get back together, you will have to work a lot on the trust issues. For starters, you have to cut all contact with the person you cheated with. You have to be OK with their insecurity and jealousy for a while. You have to be OK with them invading your privacy for a while. It’s even recommended that you two take couples counseling to work on the trust issues (in fact, it should be you who recommends it. It shows that you are ready to work on the relationship and your issues).

Your act of infidelity did end your relationship. But if you are sincere and are willing to work on it, your relationship can come back stronger than ever.

Wondering what to do if she finds a new boyfriend after you cheated? Read How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She has Moved on to A New Boyfriend

Wait, do you still have a chance?

Find out your chances of getting your ex back in 2 minutes.

Visit the Comment Section!

Have a question? We have an active comment section. Scroll down to read the comments. Before commenting, read commenting guidelines.

80 comments ...add one

  • Taanu
    Hey team, I have a hope frm u only now. We had this relation for 5 years ( our friendship+relationship). We were happy together. Things went wrong twice, once I was caught sending some nudes to other guy but he forgave me that time but the other time when - I met this frnd of mine n I started to like him, like his thinking, I started going out with him and my ex didn't like this he asked me to stay away frm both but I didn't as they were my old frnds but after a I while when I saw him getting hurt, I reduced making slow so that it's nt awkwrd. He thought I started liking him n after 2-3 months he left, he broke up with me.i love him so much, we were like yin and yang completing each other. It's been a month to our breakup, I've tried every possible way to get him back like writing long paragraphs expressing my love, being sorry, trying every possible way but he is not ready to come back. He is damn hurt, I knw I've done a big mistake n feel guilty for it. I m ready to change myself. Please guys I really need Ur help to get him back. I love him so much
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey there, You need to give him time to recover and forgive you before talking to him again. After everything that has happened, he will need time to see if he's willing to give you another shot. During this month that both of you have broken up, if you have been contacting him often and and coming across as needy or desperate, he will only feel like he wants to distance himself from you. I suggest taking another 30 days to apply the no contact rule in order to give both him and you space to clear your thoughts and after that, if you really want to be with him, then you could approach him again.
      Reply
  • Akhil
    I wish you would read my story and help me. I was in relationship with the same girl for one year. I wanted to break it. I had to stay at a new place for my project issues.I was single I was alone, I was bored. A new girl came into my life, Hooked up with me all of a sudden and left. Couple of weeks my ex planned for a meet and hooked up. When I finally met my ex I couldn't resist my regret and told her off I kissed my ex and showed her a photo. She broke in tears and left the topic. From the past three months she wanted to breakup with me. I wasn't able to love her properly. I believe this is because I had sex with other girl. There was a point where she wanted to cut me off fully. At the same time she discovered I flirt with two old people of my college. I played sarcasm on one of her friend asking for a night stay together. She found out I had sex with two others 4 months back. What is my position now? I begged her for one week. Now she thinks I am cheap, A flirt , A cheater. I love her for real. I did beg her initially. If I take up this program will it help me? Should I now clear all the misconceptions she has in her head? After no contact rule(2months planned) Will she think back I am a cheat and flirt? Whom do I contact to help me?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Akhil, This program works for the majority as long as you follow it and you're honest with yourself. However, as you're dealing with a fellow human being, at times the outcome can still be uncertain. I suggest for now, follow the plan as well as NC to give her space to calm down (as you mentioned, 2 months may be a good idea). Spend this time focusing on yourself and if you do ever get her back, prove to her with actions that you're loyal to her alone.
      Reply
    • Akhil
      I finally made up my mind to wait. I deal with a long distance relationship. So I am sure she will read the letter ill be sending her after one and half month. As this is a long distance relationship she doesnt have to meet me. I'm sure that 2nd of january shell be going to a place. Should I go there without informing her? What should I act like? How do I get her right side of the brain to work? Should things be formal? The moment I agreed I cheated on her she cried and said she still pities me. Maybe repeated calls and msgs pissed her off. I have no clue what my aim should be when I meet her. Please help.
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Your aim should be to give her space right now, and even when you decide to initiate contact again, be casual and not too pushy about it. You don't want her to feel like you're over stepping boundaries. Even if you know she is going somewhere, it's best not to 'surprise' her there but rather, properly arrange for a meet up.
      Reply
    • Akhil
      Do Kevin's template mails work for cheating cases? He said I need to approach her when she looses all her irritation and anger, Missing would happen after that. When do I know the exact time she will be missing me? If I miss time contacting her. She might move on or still get irritated
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Akhil, There is honestly no fixed time as it differs from every individual and the context of what happened. However, if the relationship was a strong one and you were both emotionally committed, you'll have to disregard your insecurity of her moving on in such a short time, and trust that if you approach her in the future, you'd be able to win her over again (provided you have done your part to change).
      Reply
  • Ashamed
    I feel so ashamed in myself I don't know how I could let this happen me and my partner had already gone through a rough patch he had moved his stuff out prior to this happening we were just starting to get our stuff back together you know working things out and he was starting to care for me and wanting to be around me again then I stuffed it all up I have a big problem with alcohol and I got very drunk with a friend at my house I told him I didn't want anything to happen because I really do love my boyfriend I don't know why I continue to drink I blacked out and came to with my partner breaking down my door and bashing the guy while he was on the floor I honestly wouldn't do anything like that if it wasn't for drinking I have a problem with alcohol and I should have known better I should not have been drinking without my partner and I know that I feel so guilty and I hate myself I can't believe I could destroy my relationship I never wanted anything to happen and I shouldn't oftrusted my so called friend not to try anything whike i was in that state but he did. it's been not long but he hasn't spoken me I left like 100 messages I don't know what to do he won't give me the chance to explain what happened and I know it's my fault I don't have anyone to turn too, he's the only person who has stuck around for me through everything I've put him through.. he already thought about ending the relationship now I've destroyed everything I don't know what to do.. will he contact me again I know he's really hurt and I hate myself for what's happened I Dont know what to do :'( :'(
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey there, Perhaps have you ever considered therapy if you really have a drinking problem? Right now, as the relationship was already on thin ice and it broke because of the incident, it's best to leave him alone at the moment and not contact him. Give him some time and space to calm down and also give yourself some time to regain your composure. I know it's unfortunate, but the incident has already happened and you do have to mentally prepare yourself if he decides not to forgive you anytime soon but you also have to accept that it has happened and try to come to terms with it.
      Reply
  • Heston
    Hello Team, I am 22 years old and I'm going to try summarise it all quickly. I was with my ex for 3 years she is my first love, I met her when was 18 and we were together for about 7 months before leaving her for another female who I had a fling with for 6 months. My ex took me back after that ended and I gave it my all but I wasn't getting the same back, so she said she is unsure if she can trust me. I left and many months on she said she loves me and she can't do without me so after a while we got together mutually putting our all in to it. Soon after I got bored as she didn't want to have sex before marriage and although I loved her I was too young to commit to marriage, therefore I flirted with some girls and got caught and things went sour again, so she was hurt and said leave me be. Now this was last year and I accepted it all and let her be after trying very hard to get her back she insisted on being unsure and not ready, then later on she reached out to me a few times during no contact but I didn't reply or bother as of that. I spoke to her after a few months and she said she's speaking to someone else and almost attempted to make me jealous I said good luck and just kept it civil as she wished. Later on she started giving me mixed signals and behaving as if she loves me then she would take it away once I expressed my wish to get her back. She would then say she's not ready and is unsure, she says she loves me and therefore the reason why she hasn't cut me off. But every time I move cold shoulder she seems interested, when i show affection she backs off. She says she isnt giving mixed signals, and doesnt want to lead me on yet.. she behaves like this? I keep disappearing for a few months when she behaves like this and then come back and it's the same cycle. So I'm unsure if i should stay friends for as long as it takes or shall I just cut ends. She said she doesn't want a relationship and enjoys peace of mind, yet loves me and maybe later we will be together again and give me another chance. Bottom line is i love her and it's been a year and she's still saying the same stuff. I just feel guilty for flirting with other girls during our time and maybe that's my downfall. Should I stick around or shall I leave ? Please could I have some specific advice as this is a bit complex and on going. Thank you .
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Heston, Personally, I feel that you guys should stop playing games with each other. At least on your end, if you're really in love with her, you have to stop flirting around and if you know you're going to get bored again some time into the relationship, you shouldn't go back into it. Each time you've done that in the past, you've made her more and more unsure of you and getting back together because the trust keeps getting broken. This could be why she's particularly hot and cold towards you this time around. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, just that she probably doesn't trust you at this point. If you do want her back, I suggest having an honest and open conversation with her about this and convince her (with your actions) that you're willing to do what it takes to win her back.
      Reply
  • Monica
    I am 17. My ex and i were together for more than 18 months. But i made the biggest mistake in my life by cheating on him. I made out with my former ex while i was drunk. I broke his heart and i am ashamed of myself. I really want him back as i love him more than anything.Do i even deserve another chance? And can things come back to normal even if we get back?Will he be loyal to me again?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Monica, People make mistakes from time to time, I'm not saying that what you did was justifiable but it has happened. From here on out, you deserving a second chance is entirely up to you and how you are able to convince him that you're sorry and get him to forgive you.
      Reply
  • Bri Lopez
    I’m 17 and I betrayed my boyfriend I didn’t sleep with anyone or anything physical when it Came to me cheating, but I was very flirtatious and met one guy at a park nothing happened but he was very upset. I would let my exes and olds flings flirt with me and disrespect my relationship even though they knew about my boyfriend, now he is 18 and I know we young but we planned a future everyday he reassured that we would reach it. Despite my actions he gave me chances after he found out what I did and then I would also lie. Now we have broke up and he put me in the friend zone but from questioning him I could tell there is hope he just wants to get the trust back and be able to know I’m only for him. For the last few days I’ve bddn showing I want this but last night we got into a heated argument and he left. In the argument I was being selfish and pretended like nothing happen that he should treat me the same. I thought pretending would be a way of getting us back, I failed and I want to work on this and get him back. Please help me.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Bri, Do follow the 5 step plan and more importantly, be honest with both yourself and him if you decide you still want him back after following all the steps.
      Reply
  • RoB
    Hi kevin Hope you’re well! I just purchased your book sounds like an awesome article that will help me make the right move in the future. I was in a healthy and full of love relationship with my bestfriend. (Gay relationship) we were together for almost 5 years. 6 months ago he found out i cheated and slept with random guys over a hook up app. We had a massive argument and almost broke up but decided to work it through. We both have cheated in the past but always seem to work it out. Last week he caught me again on the App and now it’s real. We broke up and i moved out right on that day. He still says things like “i will always love you and this is the hardest thing ever even if i was badly betrayed i am thankful i met you” or “i miss you too but i can’t be with you” this is after few days of being separated. I am seeking professional help and i have finally decided what i have been doing is because i was selfish. I needed something to boost my esteem and it was cheating that led me into getting the attention. We work in the same hotel but don’t see each other much. We have a dog together, a car, properties etc. i am loosing hope each day however i read your article and somehow gave me relief. In all honesty, do you think there’s a slight chance we can work things out and get back together even if i have cheated numerous times? My friends and his family all hate me and i have no support other than my family now. I am very serious about this change as i really do not want to lose him in my life at all. I am considering booking a psychologist or a counselling together (even if were not talking or together) do u think this is a good idea? Please help!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Rob, Yes, it's the best thing you can do right now. As I say in the article above, you just need to show him some hope. He wants to trust you again. He just doesn't know how to.
      Reply
  • Kenneth
    Hi kev, I'am really confuse,has suicidal attempt and I regret seeing myself looking at your site right now,anyway.thanks for this,had a good read though i was just on the 1st part. I hope that this would help me win her back.regards
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hi Kenneth, If you are getting suicidal thoughts, please contact a suicide hotline or find a mental health care professional IMMEDIATELY.
      Reply
  • Dave
    I cheated for the first time in 3 years but this isn't the first time I have hurt my gf. I have been caught flirting with other girls and even made arrangements to see women on Craigslist but I never did anything with those women. I have lost her and I truly do not want any other women in this world but her. She tells me she does not want to be with me. She says she will never be able to trust me again because I have her so many reason not to please help me get the love of my life back!
    Reply
  • Jim
    Hello Jim here. My girlfriend left me due to me texting a girl I used to mess around with. This hasn't been the first time. More the the third. I really do love her an we have children. She doesn't trust me anymore and I understand that. But I still want us to work it out an be a family. We are still in contact she just feels like this won't work. I really want it to. I was planning on marrying her before all this mess. Yes I was drunk when I texted that other girl and said some very sexual things. What's my chances on winning her back. She also said she is now talking to someone that she claims would never do what I did.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hi Jim, I recommend following the advice in the article. You need to make some serious changes in yourself to show her that you are capable of being the man she wants. The easiest way to show her is to get professional help. You can start by getting therapy or joining a 12 step program.
      Reply
  • Rach
    Hi Kevin, I'm in a relationship with this guy for 1 year plus. I cheated on him by using a dating app and chat with other guys. He found out and want to leave me. He is Super angry and hurt. I'm wrong to cheat and there is no excuse. But I love him and I want to get back to him. He told me to continue with the guys I chat on dating app and move on with my life. I know he won't forgive me that easily, he ask me to stop texting him. I tried so hard the following day not to text him at all. Later at night he texted me asking me how to use the dating app which he also downloaded to try. I can only say sorry but the trust is broken I don't know how I can fix that. I mentioned I will respect his decision. Would you be able to give me any advices? Should I really not text him again? I really love him and told him I won't make the same mistake anymore but he said it's too late. Is there any ways I can get him back?
    Reply
  • Ram charan
    I am an indian, i doubt if the pyscology of the girls here match to what u say plsease let me know.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      It does. It's basic human psychology. It works everywhere. There might be some cultural differences. Perhaps, family pressure or religious values might affect their decision. But the basics of attraction still works.
      Reply
  • Connie
    Hi Kevin, Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months. We have so much in common and our relationship seemed so perfect. But for some reason I made the awful decision to sleep with someone else one time. I told him about it recently and he was so hurt. I regret doing it everyday and I don't know what to do. I hate the fact that I hurt him. He says there's hope and he hasn't left me, but I don't know how to get him back. I don't know how to mend the damage that I've done. I still love him so much and he tells me he really loves me too. I realize I hurt him in the worst way possible, how do I help him trust me again and go back to how we were or be better? I never want to do anything like that again and I really regret it. I don't want to lose him.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Connie, It's good that he sees hope. You can build on that hope and reach a level of trust better than before. But you both will need to work on it. I can't go into specific details on how to go about it because it's not my expertise and it will be too long for a comment. But I will definitely recommend couples counseling and will advise you to look into some programs (or books) that help people rebuild trust after infidelity.
      Reply
  • CP
    Hi Kevin, My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now. We are having a break because I admitted I had emotionally cheated on him for 4 months during the time we've been together. I've already ended that affair before I told him the truth. It's been 10 days now since the break started. But we already talked through a lot of stuffs, and already met 3 times. He told me he will make the final decision whether we should be together or not. But everytime we met, he hugged me and said he loves me, and even said he has hope and asked me to have hope too. I know I'm afraid of losing him. But at this moment, what should I do? Should I be paranoid about the final decision?
    Reply
  • kate
    Hi Kevin, me and my boyfriend of 2 months were going out and we were super happy and closer then ever, then one night out with him i got extremely drunk and got with someone else, it was just a kiss but he saw and now he has no trust in me, he says its over because he cant trust me but i still want to get him back and i need to build his trust back up, i have sent him lots of messeges but he rarely replies, i am starting the no contact period but if he has said its over and doesnt trust me, where do i start in order to get his trust back? Thankyou f
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Kate, To be honest, you are looking at an uphill battle. It's been only two months and he wasn't invested in you that much to put in the effort of rebuilding trust. Your best bet is to give it a couple of weeks of NC and then try contacting him again. But again, your chances are very less.
      Reply
  • Jose
    Ps How long should I do the NC rule for my situation?
    Reply
  • Jose
    Hello, Me and my GF have been dating for about 1 year and a half and about a month ago I ended the relationship because I thought at the time that I had feelings for someone else and that my GF wasn't really the girl I should be with. I entered into a relationship with the other girl for about a month and then realized that I was extremely wrong and my GF really is the one I should be with! So I have been trying everything I possibly can to win her back and some days are good with us but lately it has been just horrible and she wants nothing to do with me, she says she doesn't trust me and she can't believe I left her for another girl. She tells me she still loves me and wants to try again but that I need to just "let her be" and today I wrote her a email saying I was gonna give her space and that I will contact her when I'm ready. Should I have not said that? I feel that if she contacts me though I will be weak and give in and respond back. What also is a problem for me is the fact that she has gone out on a couple of dates with this guy, it really bothers me and makes me very depressed. She says she likes him and the "he is nice", is he something to worry about? I really do not want to lose her and I kind of feel like I have and it's hard to have hope, it's hard to know what to think or do when I feel like I am a roller coaster of emotions and I can't get a grip on anything. If I can have any advice on my situation I would be extremely grateful, I now know how special this girl really is. Thank you very much
    Reply
    • Kevin
      You didn't do anything wrong with that email. The first step is to get a hold of yourself and regain composure. You are on the right track. All the best.
      Reply
  • Jm
    Kevin, me and my ex were dating for 5 years until in 2013 I made the horrible mistake of cheating on her, I realized that mistake and gave her space and about 4 months later we got back together, I messed up and hung out with the same girl again and my gf found out about it again and now we have broken up. she says she is confused and doesnt know what to do and needs space. what should I do?
    Reply
  • Matthew Y
    Hi Kevin, My girlfriend and I have been together 20 months. I'm 29, recently finished grad school. She's 20, and a college senior. We exchange I love you's, live together, and we had been planning to stay together after she finishes school until... I was out of town for several weeks recently , and signed up for a dating app, and flirted/sexted with women, and entertained the idea of hooking up. I never met anyone in person or physically cheated. I'm ashamed to say some of the sexting stuff was very explicit, and I now realize it was definitely cheating. I also bragged/joked to some guy friends about some of this, which was how my girlfriend found out (she read my text messages after I got home). I've also had wandering eyes in the past, and grappled with the idea of monogamy. I want to change and grow out of all this, no matter what happens between my gf and I. I've made some of the mistakes in the 48 hours since this happened (begging/pleading, profusely apologizing and using pity). But I think I can stop and use some of your 5 steps. We've talked twice and she seems fixed on splitting up (90% of her stuff is packed and moved to her parents, who live nearby). But she has been open to communicating/meeting to talk more, despite a very explosive initial reaction to the discovery. So I guess where I'm at now is how or should I just accept the breakup she seems to want, and use the no contact period to make positive changes in myself (mainly addressing the cheating, and figure out how to grow out of that crap). Right now I still love her and want to patch things up, but I'm worried about how much of what I'm feeling is out of desperation/fear/panic. Maybe I need to take some time to make changes in me, so I won't do the same thing again. I'm also sober, it's been over 5 years, and I do the 12 steps. So this has been a huge wakeup call for me in terms of living a sober life as a sober man. I can't do this crap and stay sober. So my sponsor is helping me too. Anyways thanks for a great website, I'll sign up for the emails, and look forward to your advice on this comment.
    Reply
  • Aniel
    Hi Kevin I recently posted a comment about my situation with my ex breaking up with me because he said he is not ready for a relationship right now. I was in the middle of my contact rule and he confessed that the reason why he broke up with me because he was feeling so guilty and regret what he had done. He got drunk and slept with another woman about 2months ago while we are still together. It was only one time and he said he regret it everyday. He was afraid to tell me the truth because he doesn't want me to hate him. I feel like he really meant his apology but what he did caused me in a lot of pain. I still love and I know he loves me too. I just don't know if I should take him back or what will be the next step.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, You should tell him you need some time and space and do NC for a while. (at least 2 months) Read about infidelity during this time and hopefully you will be able to make a well-informed rational decision after no contact.
      Reply
  • Diana
    Hey, I am going through a tuff situation with my partner. We were together for 8 months. When we broke up I was needy and despreate but then I stop contacting him. Now, we are talking again. I tried everything in my power to make this work and I even told him I love him. At the moment he sends me mix messages. He wouldn't text me first but when I do he replies right away; however, I didn't text him yesterday understanding why he is mad and I am willing to give him time and space to make things work but he haven't text me back. I believe he's still hurt and confuse. I want to follow the no contact rule again but this time not reply back. If he contacts me and I ignore it, when should be the best time to call or text him again? Keep in mind it was a very bad break up, I wouldn't want him to feel like I don't care or if I'm doing something. I wouldn't want him to give me the same treatment if I decide to contact him the next day.
    Reply
  • Wesley
    Hi Kevin I met my girlfriend online and we started off as friends with benefits. Initially, she was sort of using me to forget about this guy and I was using her to forget about this girl. We somehow managed to fall in love. We have been officially together for only 2 months, but we were technically together for at least 6-8 months. We are both 21.. Halfway throughout the relationship, I started to have anger outbursts and did not treat her as well as I would have during the start. I did treat her nicely at times though, cooking for her meals and all that. It was one day whereby I went crazy, I told her that I wanted to try having sex with other girls. There was once whereby I went complete bonkers, and cheated on her with another person (a guy that looked like a girl) out of curiosity. Needless to say, I was super guilty and confessed that night. She somehow forgived me. I could not remember but I guess I didn’t not treat her as well as I should have…. And we broke up. We still kept in contact and saw each other, telling each other we loved each other and sex. As far as I’m concerned we were still together It was one day whereby she told me that there was this guy who was interested in her. I did not want to be unreasonable so I told her to try things out with that guy before making her decision, and that I wanted her to be happy. We ended having sex that night. I thought she would come back to me, until she told me that she decided to be with the other guy because he was much more mature and a whole bunch of other reasons, she felt that she has given me too many chances and that she merely treated me as a friend, she did mention that what we had was real. I begged her not to leave me. But she did anyways. I sent her a text telling her that what I did wasn’t true, about the cheating and other things. She of course accused me of lying, but said that we were still friends. I gave her my blessings and she did as well. The thing is, before we got together, she lied to me that she slept around a lot because she thought I liked girls like that. I’m truly confused now that I think about it Did I make the right choice by sending that text? Was I a rebound myself? Is the other guy a rebound? Is there any chance I can get her back? Please Kevin reply this comment, I’ve written comments a few days back but they are still not shown whereby later comments have already surfaced. I hope you see this and hear from you soon.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Wesley, I think you were a rebound. And to some extent, she was a rebound for you as well. In my opinion, the only reason you are on this website is because you feel rejected and you are going through the bargaining stage of the breakup grief.
      Reply
    • Wesley
      Hi Kevin. I know maybe it's just me not accepting the fact. But we did lots of things together. I was the first guy she has ever stayed over with, the first guy she ever had unprotected sex with, and the first guy she has ever showered together with.. I know all these may not make any sense , but I know it was real for the both of us. The tears we shed and all that. I'm sorry if I came off defensive, that's not my intent. May I know if I still stand a chance to get back together with her? I've been doing no contact for about a week already.. I hope to hear from you soon, and I'm glad my comment has finally been moderated. Thank you
      Reply
    • Wesley
      Sorry for the double post, I know you're really busy Kevin and I thank you for the service you're providing for everyone here. Was hoping if you can answer the rest of the questions as well if it's possible? Do you think if the other guy is a rebound? I found out from a friend that she definetely knows that I'm lying about the last text I sent her because she read my texts on my phone before... Thank you once again Kevin.
      Reply
    • Wesley
      P.S The guy she was trying to forget was sort of a fling.
      Reply
    • Wesley
      Hi Kevin. Sorry if I have been flooding your website. I didn't catch the message whereby you wouldn't be active.. Anyway a lot has happened since. First of all, she didn't wish me happy birthday. I tried messaging her a few days back, keeping it casual. Trust me it hurt a lot seeing her with another guy. She was really polite and cold. If it makes sense. Doesn't feel like the girl I knew. Throughout messaging each other, she kept changing her display picture of her and the guy, and changed her whatsapp status to something lovey dovey. I told her to take care just after like 3-4 replies, mostly me asking if she has eaten and all that. She did message my friend's girlfriend, asking her if i am really fine. She told her that although we broken up, she still treats me as a friend. I'm really lost at to what to do now.. What should I do Kevin? Continue messaging her or what? I only messaged her only after 2 months of no contact. Or should I wait it out longer? I'm really so lost....
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Wesley, The fact is, even though first times are special moments, they don't necessarily make someone emotionally invested in the relationship. In fact, most of the relationships where a couple is each others first don't really last. How many high school sweethearts actually end up together for the long haul? Not much. I think there's a chance that you can get her back, but I will recommend you apply no contact for at least 2-3 months before making a move. This way you can be absolutely sure you are getting back for the right reason and not just because you are feeling rejected.
      Reply
    • Wesley
      Ic... Thank you Wesley.. May I know why you would recommend 2-3 instead of the 1month you stated? I will try to abide to your rules. Do you think theres any chance that guy is a rebound?
      Reply
    • Wesley
      Thank you Kevin*
      Reply
    • Wesley
      Hey Kevin, it's been awhile since you replied.. I hope you can find some time to reply these messages soon. I know you're a busy guy so all the best. P.S My birthday is in about 2 and a half weeks, that would be about 1month and 3 weeks since we broke up, should I invite her over to my party if I happen to have one? It's gonna be my 21st bday.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      The reason I recommend 2-3 months instead of one is because it was your first relationship. In my experience, in cases like yours, it takes more time to see the relationship for what it was. Since it's the first time you will be experiencing the grief of a breakup, you will take a long time to recover from it.
      Reply
  • Marielle
    Hi Kevin, My boyfriend and I dated for 5 years, and midway through the relationship I cheated on him. After a couple of months of trying my best to get him back, we reconciled and were better than ever. However, around our fourth year together I had a miscarriage and that really affected our relationship. I was very depressend and I broke up with him. I thought I was really over him and here is where I messed up: I started dating the same guy I cheated on him with. My ex was really hurt and hated me. Things with the new guy didn't last long and I realized that I still had feelings for my ex boyfriend. Eventually, I tried to get my ex back but he said that even though he still cares for me and will always help me with the whole miscarriage thing, he doesn't want to get back with me because his feelings about me have changed. I've tried apologizing and even begged him to give me a another chance but nothing works. He still helps me with my miscarriage issues. I am still very depressed and going to a therapist to get better. My ex still supports me with that. Because of our past, I'm not sure if the NC rule applies to me. I really want to get him back. Do you think I still have a chance with him or should I make adjustments? I understand where I went wrong and I truly believe I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.
    Reply
  • steven
    Hi Kevin me and my partner were together for 8 years engaged and have a daughter together and own two houses. i did some stupid things to betray her trust and last Oct 2013 she split up with me over something I did back in March 2013 I did the usual I pleaded with her ever time i seen her when I dropped little one back. Then I'd leave her alone for a few weeks then Feb I found out she had been on a date so I started being needy asking her to think about us give us a chance for a couple of days then I left her alone for 6 weeks or so till she told me out the blue she was seeing this bloke she had been on a date with he's the only person she dated since us she says she's taking things slowly and seeing how it goes i know she's checking my fb cuz she made a comment about a pic I tagged a female friend in i just don't know what to do about his bloke she's seeing is it serious or just a rebound some advice you be much appreciated Thanks steve
    Reply
  • Liam
    Hi Kevin, My girlfriend and I dated for over a year, and midway through the relationship I cheated on her twice. I was very insecure and I regretted doing this almost instantly. I believe I had anger issues as well (never physical of course, but verbally) and I think these insecurities led to the cheating. Eventually, she broke up with me but we kept living together. Last month she met someone else and moved back. She wanted to stay in contact and has been jumping back and forth between "maybe someday we can work things out" to "let's be best friends" to "we shouldn't speak to each other" - she only started saying the last one when I began to message her really needy things. I'm on day 3 of the three day plan, and she has made her cover photo on Facebook a picture of George Harrison with lyrics to "My Sweet Lord" as the caption - this was one of our favourite songs together. Do you think I should even bother with the 5 step plan or should I make adjustments? I understand where I went wrong and I truly believe I wouldn't make the same mistakes again, but like I said she has a new boyfriend. Your advice? Thank you/
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Yes, you should follow the 5 step plan. Her new relationship is probably rebound and it'll end soon.
      Reply
    • Liam
      Sorry there was a typo in there, I should have said she met someone else and moved *out*, not back. Still, your same advice stands?
      Reply
    • Liam
      Oh wow, so she just unfriended me on Facebook.... what's next? Just re-add her after 30 days?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Don't add her. If she adds you back, then accept her request. But don't add her from your side.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Yeah, I understood the typo.
      Reply
    • Liam
      I slipped up and began talking to her after 7 days of NC, she seemed interested for a bit but then she lost all interest in talking to me and it feels like I'm back to square 1. What now? I feel like she is much happier without me.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      You should start no contact again if you still want to pursue her. I think you showed some neediness which she picked up on and then lost interest.
      Reply
    • Liam
      So after 3 days of no contact she is sending me snapchats which I'm not replying to. Do you think 30 days is too long in my case? Sorry for all of the questions, as you can probably tell though I feel a lot of guilt.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      If she keeps contacting you for the next few days, tell her you need some space and time and continue no contact. I don't think 30 days is too long.
      Reply
    • Liam
      Do you think I should buy her am elaborate gift for Easter and just drop it in her mail box without messaging or anything, maybe just a card with it?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Absolutely not.
      Reply
    • Liam
      Someone told her I have been telling people we broke up because she cheated on *me* (I haven't been doing this) and she sent me a message (7 days into NC again btw) calling me a bunch of names asking me what my problem is.... what do?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Don't do anything. If she keeps on contacting you, tell her you didn't do any such thing and you need space and time and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't contact you for a while.
      Reply
    • Liam
      So basically, after she sent me that message I said to her I didn't do any such thing, she said "I don't know if I can trust you, but I hope the family is well". I said they were, we got to a brief chat and we made plans to walk our dog together (who lives with me). We got on really well, laughter and all of that, that we hung out for basically 24 hours. She mentioned to me she was going away for the Easter long weekend with her new boyfriend and I just said something along the lines of "Oh that will be fun". We made more plans to hang out this coming week, and it seems like we're getting along, but I've read other things on the internet that say it's important to not just become friends with her, because she'll soon leave entirely. What do I do? I miss her too much to start another period of no contact and the concept of losing her forever makes me miserable, especially when I think about all the things I should have but didn't do in the relationship and how horribly I treated her. It's been almost 2 months since she moved out and it's not getting any easier. What do I do?
      Reply
    • Liam
      ^To add to that, next time I see her should I just wait until the time feels right and apologise for the way I acted and tell her I've grown?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Liam, Since you never completed no contact and considering you are still hurt and you are still putting her on a pedestal, you should start no contact again and this time, keep it for 30 days. Read the checklist in the beginning of fourth step of the 5 step plan.
      Reply
    • Liam
      Do I even have a chance of salvaging this? People keep telling me to give up but I care about her so much. It seems like she'd be having a lot more fun with her new boyfriend now.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Liam, If you don't want to give up, then you should at least follow through the plan once. If it doesn't work, you will know for sure there isn't a chance anymore. As for her having fun, every new relationship is fun in the beginning. Especially rebounds. So don't worry about that.
      Reply
  • Elle
    I was emotionally unstable and abusive due to being really depressed. Three days prior to the breakup, he said he still wanted us to work. I got antidepressants and I regret everything I've done. I am stable and not abusive. I hurt my ex. We've been together a year and a half. He says part of him still wants me. Then be he says he doesn't want me. He acts sweet and polite, then cold. He doesn't want to talk to me and says I'm annoyimg him. How do I get him back? :/
    Reply

Write a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *