Whether or not you can get your ex back after cheating depends on three factors. We will talk about these three factors in a moment. But first, let’s talk about something far more important than getting your ex back.
Why You Cheated
OK, I understand. Monogamy is hard. Heck, monogamy is even unnatural. But monogamy is something that you agreed to when you started the relationship with your ex. When you decided to be exclusive, you promised them that you would only be with them and not any one else. And by cheating on them, you broke that promise. You betrayed their trust and you hurt them. You hurt them really bad.
The question is why?
Why did you hurt this person who trusted you with all their heart? Why did you betray them when you knew that it will end the relationship that you cherished so much?
There is a general opinion that the reason for cheating is different for men and women. The opinion is that men usually cheat mostly because of lust. They cheat because they are just horny and they want to have sex with as many beautiful girls as they can.
On the other hand, people believe, that women cheat because their emotional needs are not met in the relationship. They cheat because they are emotionally attracted to someone else and not just because of physical lust.
I personally don’t think it’s always the case. Men and women both can cheat because of either physical lust or emotional reasons (Also, both physical and emotional cheating can be devastating to a relationship). It just depends on what type of person you are. In my experience there could be three reasons for cheating.
1. Cheating in the spur of the moment.
You find someone attractive and you had a little too much to drink. You made a mistake and the next thing you know, you did something that you shouldn’t have.
2. Cheating Because Of The Relationship Had Problems
You find yourself in a position where you are not satisfied with your relationship. You decide that a little affair might make you feel a little better about yourself. You end up having an affair and destroying your relationship.
3. Cheating Because You Just Can’t Handle Monogamy
Perhaps you are the type of person who just needs to sleep with other people. Perhaps, sleeping with a lot of people makes you feel better about yourself. Perhaps, a monogamous relationship is not for you.
A Few Questions You Should Ask Yourself
Before you continue, it’s time to do a little soul searching. What was missing in your life that you decided to cheat on your ex? Are you sure that if you get your ex back, you will not hurt them again? How do you know you will not have the same problems in relationship that you had before (which lead you to cheating)? Even if you get back together, things will be more hectic than before, do you think you two can handle it?
(Read this article on should you get your ex back)
The 3 Factors That Will Determine Whether Or Not You Will Get Your Ex Back After Cheating
As I mentioned in the beginning, there are three things that will determine whether or not you can get your ex back. Here they are.
1. Their Level Of Investment
The most important factor is your ex’s level of investment in you. How much were they invested in the relationship and you? Their investment can be measured in terms of the time you were together, their level of commitment, whether or not you had kids, and how much they love you.
If you were in the relationship only for a couple of months and you cheated, then they will probably walk away without thinking twice. But if you were married with kids, or you were in a relationship for more than a couple of years, then they will think about giving the relationship another try.
Similarly, if you two had a great relationship, and they were madly in love with you, then you have a good chance of reconciliation. However, if your relationship was already a little shaky and they were already falling out of love, then this act of infidelity might just be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
2. The Level Of Betrayal
There is cheating and then there is CHEATING. There is a difference between breaking someone’s trust and completely obliterating their trust with a sledgehammer.
How badly did you cheat on them? Was it just a harmless kiss at a party? Did you sleep with someone? Were you having an affair for a month? Or have you broken the world record of infidelity by sleeping everyone of your ex’s friend and family members behind their back?
As you can imagine, the worse you cheated, the harder it will be to trust you again and the less likely are they to come back. Of course, it all still depends on the third and most important factor in getting them back.
3. Whether Or Not They See a Ray Of Hope In This Relationship
You cheated on them, so you can throw trust factor out on the street. They don’t trust you. Period. What matters is whether or not they see a ray of hope in this relationship. What matters is whether or not they feel like they can trust you again.
Your infidelity broke their trust completely. But everyone likes to have a little bit of hope in his or her heart. And your ex is not any different. They still wish that all the time and energy they spent on you and your relationship is not wasted. They still wish that all this didn’t happen and you were still with them. They still wish that there were a little hope that you could back together and they can trust you again.
And it’s your job to show them that hope. How do you do that? Well, for starters, you need to read the 5 Step Plan (which is free BTW) and follow steps 3 and 4 very carefully.
You have to stop contact with them for a while and let them process their emotions. You can’t convince them when they are angry. You have to give them time to calm down and so should you.
I am guessing you already apologised a thousand times so another apology isn’t going to help. However, accepting your mistakes and being completely honest about whatever lead you to cheating will help. I suggest you use a hand written letter for you apology (as explained in the 4th step of the 5 step plan)
You have to show them some positive change in yourself if you want them to think about getting back together. You have to show them that you are capable of change. You have to show them that you are capable of working on the relationship and the trust issues that will arrive if you get back together.
When you do get back together, you will have to work a lot on the trust issues. For starters, you have to cut all contact with the person you cheated with. You have to be OK with their insecurity and jealousy for a while. You have to be OK with them invading your privacy for a while. It’s even recommended that you two take couples counseling to work on the trust issues (in fact, it should be you who recommends it. It shows that you are ready to work on the relationship and your issues).
Your act of infidelity did end your relationship. But if you are sincere and are willing to work on it, your relationship can come back stronger than ever.
Wondering what to do if she finds a new boyfriend after you cheated? Read How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She has Moved on to A New Boyfriend