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How To Get Your Ex Back After a Year or More Apart

If you and your ex have been apart for over a year, then you need a completely different strategy to get your ex back. A lot has probably changed in that year and you need to analyze the situation with your ex before making a move. A lot has changed in this one year, and before we talk about what you should do, let’s take a look at what you have.

  • You both have probably dated other people.
  • You both have probably slept with other people.
  • You both have probably been out of contact for a while.
  • Your Ex has probably moved on.
  • Your ex might even be in a new relationship.

All these factors will affect your strategy to get them back, but first you need to realize why you want to get back together?

Why Do You Want Them Back After One Year

It’s been a year and suddenly you decide your ex was the right person for you. What happened? Why your opinion changed? Are you sure that you are making the right decision in wanting them back?oneyearex

Or was it that you never really moved on? You never made any effort to move on and deep inside you have been in love with your ex since the breakup. If that’s the case, then I highly recommend you make some effort to move on before trying to get them back. Stop contact with your ex, work on making yourself feel better, go on a few dates and try to accept the fact that you two broke up. Sometimes, an obsession can continue for years. And perhaps you have been obsessed about your ex for so long that you have mistaken this obsession for love.

Here are a few examples of when you shouldn’t get back with your ex after a year.

  • You broke up because of you had a lot of fights and now that you don’t remember much of it, you think it will not be like before.
  • You broke up because your ex cheated on you and now you think they’ve changed and they won’t do it again.
  • You broke up because they left you for someone else and now they are single again.
  • You left your ex for someone else and now you are single again.

The one thing that’s common in all the above examples is that the reason you broke up in the first place was genuine and nothing really has changed in the last one year.

On the other hand there are cases where you genuinely realize that what you and your ex had was something special. You realized that the reason you two broke up wasn’t really a big deal and you could have actually worked through it. Or perhaps something has changed in the past year that makes you feel like the relationship could work. Here are a few examples that come to my mind.

  • You broke up because one of you was not ready to commit and not both of you are looking for a serious relationship.
  • You broke up because one of you didn’t want children and now both of you are want the same thing.
  • You broke up because of one you had to move to another town or country and now both of you are in the same city.
  • You broke up over a small fight and breaking up was a rash decision. Now when things have settled, you realize that you can give it another chance.

If you fall in this category (or something as reasonable as these), then you should try to get back together.

Is It Too Late To Get Your Ex Back

One year is a long time. And it is quite possible that your ex has moved on by now. But that does not mean that you can’t get them back anymore. You can still get them back but you have to look at it as a new beginning instead of rekindling an old relationship.

Is it too late to contact your ex?

Since it’s already been a long time after the breakup, you don’t have to worry about your ex moving on. In fact, you can use the fact that you both have moved on to your advantage.

If your relationship with your ex was really good, then you can rest assured that your ex had been thinking about it as well. In fact, they would be comparing all their relationships with what you guys had.

Even if your ex has accepted the breakup and probably moved on, they still have a special memory of you and the good times you had in the relationship. And you can use that to your advantage.

What If We Had a Nasty Breakup?

The truth is, it doesn’t matter how bad your breakup was. Since it’s been one year, all the negative feelings and the anger of the breakup has probably been forgotten. In the long run, people don’t hold on to the negative experiences.

Before Contacting Your Ex

I am assuming that you haven’t been in contact with your ex for a while and you haven’t seen each other either. If it’s not the case, then I highly recommend you implement the no contact rule for at least 30 days.

If you haven’t been in contact with them, then you don’t really need to apply the no contact rule. You can just go ahead and move on to the next step. But before contacting your ex, you need to make sure that you do the three things that you are supposed to do in the no contact rule (mentioned in this article). It’s extremely important you do this because the rest of the plan doesn’t work until you do this.

How to Contact Your Ex after a Year

In the 5 Step Plan, I recommend that you start contact with a letter. However, since it’s been almost a year after the breakup, you should skip that step. Your initial contact with your ex should be as nonchalant as possible. You don’t want them to think you are still thinking about the breakup or the past relationship.

A simple and convenient way to contact them will be via text messages. They are private, unobtrusive and very effective. You need to start off with a message that shows that you haven’t forgotten them, but you have moved an.

You treat them like an old best friend instead of an old lover. Here is a simple text message that works great for this.

“Hey John. I was going through some old pictures and they reminded me of you. Just thought I would check how you are doing.”

It’s casual and it gets the message across. If you have not been in touch with your ex for a while, then you will probably get a response from them after this message.

You have to make sure you keep things friendly in the starting. You should try to build attraction with them with text messages (More Texting strategies can be found in the 5 Step Plan). Once you think iron is hot, you strike, i.e. ask them out for coffee.

If your ex agrees to go out for coffee with you, you can count that as a date. Have fun at the date and show them how much you have changed over the last year and how much suitable partner you’ve become for them.

You have to make sure you don’t force anything. In fact, you don’t want to bring the topic of getting back together until the fourth date. You want to take things as slowly as possible. Ideally, you want it to be their idea to get back together. And if you have done everything in the 3rd step of the 5 Step plan, then they will soon start thinking about reconciliation.

Do you want to find out your chances of getting your ex back?


Take this carefully designed test to find out your chances and if you qualify for the EBP Basics E-course.


If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

141 comments… add one
  • Geraldine February 26, 2014, 3:30 pm

    Hi, got in touch with my ex after 22 yrs. He in States, me in Ireland.He said he still had feelings for me, I said same. He spoke of our past all the time. It was all FB texting. He never really asked about my family or son. He never phoned or made plans to vist even though I invited him( I dumped him due to family pressure) Said he’d love to come to Ireland, have babies and live with me forever. Then he backtracked, said “once bitten twice shy” ” not sure if the Irish climate would suit me” I think he is out of work. 6 wks ago he ghosted. I noticed he had added his ex GF again on Fb. I bumped him down to “acquaintance” instead of “CLOSE FRIEND” next morn, he had taken our pics down off FB. I “unfriended” him. I noticed he has saved an album of MY pics from MY FB page. I have done ” no contact ” since. WHAT IS GOING ON DO YOU THINK ? WILL HE BE IN TOUCH AGAIN ? HOW DO I KNOW IT’S NOT JUST CURIOUSITY IF HE IS ?

    Thanks a million

    • Kevin February 26, 2014, 6:49 pm

      Wow, 22 years is a long time. It’s hard to say if it’s just curiosity or if he’s genuinely interested. To be honest, no contact is not going to be of much help after 22 years of no contact. I think it’ll be OK if you contact him after a week or so to see what he wants.

  • Natasha March 5, 2014, 10:05 pm

    My ex and I had dated for 2 years. But during all that time we lived in different countries. We always thought we were gonna get together eventually, because we were away from each other only we had to make money in different countries. I broke up with him 4 months ago. We did not contact with each other for a month but I kept thinking about him. After a month I saw him that he started to add all the girls that I made him delete off of his fb back. I got crazy, then we carried on talking for a while but he only showed how much he was mad at me. Then he told me he would come over to see me if thats what i want, he loves me but I live in another country, there is no future for us. Now i stopped contacting him for 10 days, he sent me an email where he asked about my family. I do want to get back together with him. What am i supposed to do now?

    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 8:00 pm

      If there is really no future with him, you have to move on. If there is a future with him, you need to talk to him about your feelings and what you want from the relationship.

      • Natasha March 17, 2014, 4:34 pm

        Hey Kevin, thank you very much for your reply. I do think there is a future with him. We were planning to get married and I do wanna move where he lives at the moment. But he said he is not willing for either of us to make that jump. When he said these stuff, he was really mad at me and If I am honest, I was the one who dumped him, because I was sick of waiting for him and I was a really jealous girlfriend. It’s been 3 weeks since last we talked. Do you think I should call him straight away and talk about everything. Or do you think I should let him go for a while?

        • Kevin March 18, 2014, 1:35 pm

          I think you should talk to him after one more week.

  • Anonymous March 8, 2014, 4:02 am

    Ok so I’ve been trying to get some advice on my situation for like weeks now and I’ve decided that my friends aren’t gonna help me so I’m gonna reach out to the Internet. Well I broke up with my ex 6 months ago and I have dated other guys since we’ve broken up but it has never felt the same as it was with my ex. I feel like I shouldn’t be going back to him because I did break up with him(3 times actually in our entire realtionship) we dated for about a year and every time I broke up with him was because I felt like I wasn’t ready for a long term relationship but now I feel like I am ready for that and I just miss him. He hasn’t dated anyone else since we’ve broke up and one of my friends said about 4 months ago he still had feeling for me but I haven’t heard about him since then. We go to the same school and everytime he sees me in the hallway(when he is alone) he kinda stares at me but when he is with his friends he just glances(his friends hate me because of what I did to him I know it was a bad move on my part and I feel so bad about it) I literally have no idea what to do about this. Oh and also I haven’t been in contact with him since we broke up. (Other than te other day when he had a close family member die and I messaged him and when he messaged back he said thanks and it means alot that you care. Please help!

    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 6:12 pm


      Just re-establish contact with him and start chatting. Yes, you should give it another chance if you think you are ready for a serious relationship.

  • k March 12, 2014, 3:10 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    First of all thanks, you are doing an amazing job by helping others through this site. I had met him in 2011 and we had a great time together. As destiny would have it, in 2012 he got shifted for one year to some distant place due to his job but we would always be in touch through phone. Then in begining of 2013 when actually we thought of finally getting married, just when he really admitted he would, the worst happened and his ex landed back in his home before he shifted back. She gave him the sense of guilt for leaving her and wanted to give the relation another chance. They both reconciled last year april and I was kicked out. I was devastated because I was weaving a nest with him and was actually preparing for our marriage. Then what followed the whole one year was a series of no contacts, his avoiding my calls n messages and all..He was living with another but I still carried on with my faith as I kept observing a pattern..He would almost after every month or so send me a message..a casual one like” hi, how are you” or other casual things,,sometimes even admitting that he missed me but that now he cant marry me due to circumstances but would always want to be a friend…I became hopeful and my wait continued..I knew he was just confused and he would eventually come back..but I least knew that while I was still waiting for him he had started bonding with another girl.. .For one year all this kept happening…then in feb this year when I asked him to meet me and help me with some work, to my surprise he came there with his new girl friend…They both behaved like two cozy lovey dovey lovers right infront of me and I was too hurt..I didnt react then but later I messaged him that it was rude of him to hurt me like this by bringing her along well knowing that I still loved him…He however refused and said she was a simple friend and he still respected me….anyway few days later on fb there were loads of pics of both of them hugging, holidaying, rolling over each other,and chatting with each other…all those lovey dovey stuff…..I know he has moved on with this female and is very happy with her..after seeing those snaps I wondered maybe he is a womaniser as he is doing the same with another girl….I blocked him from my fb and entered no contact….my confusion starts now it is almost 20 days and again I get a message from him very early morning two days back where he messages me again a casual message asking for some help in his work….i havent replied till date..I dont know what to do…..I am angry and hurt and I dont want to reply but at the same time I still love him and dont want to loose him….Kindly shed some light as I am unable to understand…what should I do? This man is having relation and fun with another, he keeps avoiding my calls n messages but still when he sends me the message I know perhaps he thinks of me…what should I do Kevin? This man is confused but in the process he is not realizing even till date how much it is affecting me as I still love him truely……Please advise..What do u think is this man a womaniser or does he love me? Should I not reply to any of his message even if he asks for my help till another 3 months…Kindly help and shed some light. Thanks

    • Kevin March 12, 2014, 3:29 pm

      I think you should not reply to his messages. I don’t know if he is a womanizer or he is just confused, but either ways, he is making you miserable. So you should just let him go. You’ve waited for too long and the more you wait, the worse you will feel. I think you should at least start dating.

      • k March 12, 2014, 3:51 pm

        Thanks a lot Kevin for ur quick and honest reply..May god bless u…U dont know me still u are there as a friend helping me by listening to my pain and advising me like a true friend about what should I do. Thank you..May God bless you..I dont know if you are in a committed relation with someone or not but you are a very wise man and I wish you all happiness with your love..Stay blessed! Hope one day true love returns in my life as well after all I kept my faith and was sincere throughout..once again God bless u..thanks….

        • Kevin March 12, 2014, 5:21 pm

          Thank you so much for your kind words k. It means a lot to me. 🙂

          • k March 14, 2014, 8:52 am

            Hi Kevin,
            Last time I talked to you, almost a day later early morning I get a message from him “Miss you Bad”…I didnt reply. I wanted to go by your advice because you like a true friend asked me to not reply him again. Still his message made me go soft as I really became hopeful but as usual as I opened his new girl friends fb I saw the same very day when he had messaged me miss you , in that afternoon both of them spend the whole day together…there were lots of pics loaded of them hugging and hving fun together and they had even commented below that they really had a lovely day…He doesnt know I have assess to her gf facebook page, and obviously doesnt know I have seen all photos……actually I opned the fb just to know the truth, as I dont want to be in false hopes….but obviously once again I am shattered…..Kevin I love him a lot and it hurts to see him with other in the same way he used to be with me…..That girl is with him almost the whole day as she even works with him……even at present as I am typing this to u,,I am getting his messages where he is writing “Please talk to me”…I am in tears on reading this,,I will not reply today atleast but please please please tell me what should I do next? I dont want to loose him …

          • Kevin March 14, 2014, 12:10 pm

            Hey K,

            Remember that if you reply to him, he is again going to hurt you. He was making you miserable when you replied. At least, continue for 30 days more before talking to him. I know you want him back, but I think he will just keep on playing with your feelings if you let him.

  • maya March 16, 2014, 1:20 am

    i went straight into no contact after the breakup and it’s been a year and 3 months. I am afraid to reach out but I have finally almost moved on by now. Should I contact him? (he never contacted me during no contact)

    • Kevin March 16, 2014, 9:33 am

      If you have almost moved on, then why not move on completely? If you really think he is worth it, then try contacting him.

  • k March 19, 2014, 6:24 am

    Hi Kevin,
    remember on march 14th you replied to me and asked me to not reply him till next 3o more days…I didnt know how to talk more to u as I wasnt getting reply section below tht message so I am sending this new comment….he tried calling me and asked me to talk to me,,,for one week he kept doing that and i kept ignoring his calls n messages but last nite I could not hold myself and so I messaged him( long messages) abt that I hv seen his photos with her and all tht she is posting on net seems to me as stupid immaturity…,,the first thing he messaged bck immediately on getting my message was “lv u”…I wrote more things like he sleeps with another woman , flirts with another and I dnt think such a man deserves me….just two three more messages and then v slept around at 2 am…morning I got up with a message frm him where he asked me to support him as he needs friends around and feels very lonely….he said dnt leave me on the mercy of strangers and stay there as my friend……to which I replied “look back,, i never left u and i was always there,,,this time also I will be there as leaving is not my virtue but this time it shall be different and u shall have to earn my presence or else i already know u cn live without me”……( remember Kevin he was the one who left me for another one year back and till last month I kept tellin him tht I wait for him till last month when he met me with his new girl friend tagged alonG,,after that I had entered no contact for 30 days,,he messaged me to talk to him bt I refused and u asked me to not reply for another 30 days,,,unfortunately I couldnt hold onto that as he was desperately tryin to contact me,,i waited one week and finally last night replied) ..bt kevin after that today I feel I did a mistake by messaging him last nite…I should hv waited so as to make him miss me more…in this one week when I didnt reply him he somehow was wondering abt me bt now i guess he will be again be v confident that I will never go away….. I am sorry I failed keeping ur advice….u hd told me to not reply for another one month also……n now I dnt feel good …is that the whole purpose of making him miss me and come back to me forever is defeated? …will he now always know tht he can take me for granted as in the end I always am there…. he still lives with another female ,,,he doesnt intend to leave her,,,he just says he doesnt connect to her as he does to me and he wants me to always be there as a true friend….what a crap I hv done…Kevin please tell me now I know now I have done a blunder so should I enter no contact again or will it make me look unstable….as morning I told him I will be there but he should earn my presence this time….should i be more mature and now reply just v short to any message if he messages again…that ways he shall know i am woman of substance as I never leave those whom I care but simultaneously my v short messages will make him know that he has to work now to close the distance as I may be there for him bt I am certainly not the same desperate clinging woman …..what do u have to say? How can I show him I love him and shall be for him still maintain my respect so that he comes to me valuing me …please advise

    • Kevin March 20, 2014, 10:10 am

      I don’t think you messed up really bad. It’s OK that you messaged him. I will suggest that you start NC again. This time, tell him that you need some space and time and you’ll appreciate it if he doesn’t contact you till the time you contact him first.

      • k April 14, 2014, 12:07 pm

        Hi Kevin,
        Mailing u after a month now…a lot happened in this month….he came back to me and started initiating contact wid me again in march…..he was desperate to talk wid me and wanted me to be dere wid him,,he said he missed me a lot and all the moments we shared together in love ….. and always kept saying u are my only true friend and i value u a lot…..i wanted to again start nc as adviced by u but couldnt as he really wanted me to not stop contact and stay with him as a true friend…..I guess i got weak too as I really love him so we both kept messaging and this time he wd reply all my msgs even if it ws late nite…….bt then I made a terrible mistake…I knew he ws still with the other girl and jst tht things may not be going great between them so he chose to cm bck to me for emotional support….it made me jealous and sadly I started accusing him of being selfish by using me like this….I told him either u be with me as my man or dont expect me to be there to give you support as being a female who ws already in relation wid u in the past I cant just stay as a support to other female’s man……….it hurts me as i still love you…….he all this time remained good to me and just kept telling me ‘help me please dont fight with me’……slowly the conversation again started reaching that point where we both subtly started blaming each odr that why in the first place he left me one year bck…….still we both stayed in touch and talked as friends…..I dont know then yesterday all of a sudden our conversation turned and became little close. But before it became close he sensed what was happening and that perhaps this friendship ws turning to another level again so he all of a sudden said he wasnt feeling good and said we will talk later plz…….i said ok to him at that point….bt after sm tym at nite and early morning I simply told him that I am cutting all contact wid him any further as I cant be a support to a man who is still with another…bt in case in future you have the strength and desire to spend your life with me then please do come back, I love u ,god bless u……………I dont knw kevin although he was dere now and i know that had I been more tactful atleast I could have been succesful in making him desire for me as our friendship ws really growing wid each passing day and he was actually telling me each day that he really missed me whole day……..bt just because I knew the other girl is still in his life I just felt such friendship has no foundation…….Its just yesterday tht I messaged him this,,,,I dont know if he shall reply me or not because till now he hasnt………..i am so confused …I want this man to come back to me and like a fool when this time he came to revive the friendship I just couldnt hold him …….I dnt want to live a fake relation kevin…i just want that we should not cheat ourselves,,if we love each other we should accept it and if we dont then why this drama of giving support to each other as friends…thats going to hurt us more,,isn’t it? I mean I love him bt I have to just behave and remain in the constraints of being a friend while I know he is with another! Perhaps that is why I told him that I wont contact him further ……….my question to u now is that did I do the right thing or have I closed all doors of the possibilty of our reunion? In this month there were times when he revealed his love for me and how much he missed me but I dont know I think I couldnt handle a tricky situation to hold him and not to create a distance between us again….Secondly,, what should I do now?? What if he messages me a simple hi or a simple message after few days,,what if tries to talk to me thru messages?? I think he will do that because I could feel his love for me ,,,its just that he seems he has lost the confidence that the relation has the power to hold him emotionally…..and what if i have comitted a blunder this time and he actually thinks that NC is going to be good option for us and he becomes further close to other girl thinking that I am unable to support him emotionally??? Please advice

        • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:27 am

          Hey K,

          You did what you think was good for you. You did what you had to do keep your mental peace. So, you didn’t do anything wrong. I think he will try contacting you again, but I’ll recommend you stick with your decision as being friends with him is hard for you emotionally and you should put yourself through it. If he does come back in the future, it’s great. But even if he doesn’t you have to accept that it’s OK and you’ll be fine without him.

          • k April 16, 2014, 6:38 am

            Thanks Kevin…But just one more major advice I want to get from u…Can you please shed some light on this……..In future how to know that he has come back to me this time with a final commitment to me ….i mean in this past whole year I have seen him coming back to me when ever he starts feeling very low and I reply and be with him thinking that he has come back just to discover it later he hasnt…..now i am confused,,,sometimes when things go wrong between him and his new gf, I be there so that he comes back to me but soon i realize that he still hasnt come back…….Please kevin tell me one thing,,this time should I cut all contact with him even as a friend and wait …………..what if that gives him a wrong signal and he looses all faith in our relation and thinks that I am not capable of giving him motional support and so he decides it is best to stay from me anyway……I mean Deep down I want him, I love him and I care for him…is it good to be there as a friend to show him my strength despite all adversities or is it that staying in no contact even if he tries to talk to me in his low mood seeking for an emotional support a wise step to take? Please please please advise…should I wait and be whenever things go wrong between them as he comes back to me for support or is it that should I completely vanish from his life till they both completely break up and then see if he comes back??
            Please tell me when does a girl know that her ex has left his new gf and finally come back to her? Till past one year I have been juggling betwwen this confusion as everytime when he messages and is desperate to talk to me saying he misses me I think he has come back but later i find him again go completely cold as he again cut off and enter a nc with me…..please advise…….he says he loves me,,,i also love him soo much then still why so utter confusion that nothing is working and we again end up in the cycle of entering NC

          • Kevin April 17, 2014, 9:36 am

            You give him the emotional support and comfort whenever he wants without any commitment from him. Why would he commit to you then? Shouldn’t you reserve your emotional support and comfort for your boyfriend? Shouldn’t you reserve it for someone who is faithful to you and 100% committed to you? Next time, he calls you and you feel like he is using you again, remind yourself this. Unless you stop letting him use you, he will keep on using you. He knows how to play with your emotions. He knows how to appeal to your soft heart. Don’t let him take advantage of you unless you are absolutely sure that he is committed to you.

          • k April 16, 2014, 9:56 pm

            Hi kevin,
            I msged him next day that be my friend as I need him too and understand my anger as it is my pain…….I know this time I have messed it all up and finally lost all chance… it gives me immense pain as I have found him blocking me on his phone now and after that his writin a post on his fb wall where he says ‘here i go on an april mornin ,,,i am leaving the storm behind my back and standing on my own waiting for the sun’……and sadly to every comment he has posted he is liked by his gf and she poses to give him the comfort as he loses that support from my side………….i am in tears as i know i have lost it…..oh it hurts….I was not manipulative,,I just wanted him to be with me so that I could support him,,,I loved him and I couldnt pose to be a friend in constraiints well knowin he shares his days and nights with the other female…was I wrong? I dont knw,,,I am a human…But till date I hope a miracle and pray that one day he sees the support I always was giving by being there and answering him in all these days despite knowing that he was the one who broke and left me….I wanted to give this relation another chance but I guess the other female tactfully shunted me out of his life forever by showing she stands with him and making him loose his faith in me that I can give him the support he needs …………..Kevin, i dont know the psychology of men,,I just know I was true…I hv loved him a lot,,till date he is in my prayers…….what do u think,,,has this relation ended,,,and if there is still a chance pls pls pls tell me how to tackle this situation as I dont want to loose this man,,aswe really had the most beautiful moments when we were together as a couple

  • Jenifer March 19, 2014, 5:20 pm

    Hey kevin, i met a guy 8months ago at first date we kissed and the second date we had sex,as i found out later i think i was the rebound relationship or i better say rebound date cause then after just 2 dates he got back to his ex girlfriend and told me to not contacting him, when i caught him posting on her ex girlfriend Facebook wall we had a huge fight and he called it Quits , on the other hand after 7months no contact,i have checked his girlfriend Facebook page everyday and he knows that i can see what she shares he doesn’t post on her wall as much as he used to do before he has met me and their status doesn’t show anything like weather they are single or in a relationship but their profile picture is a picture of them together, i also change my profile picture, its a picture of me with a guy but I did it FIRST and THEN he changed his picture with a picture of them together , do you think this is again a rebound relationship for him ? he has known this girl for 3 years and known me for only 8 months but two dates only so do you think i have a chance if i contact him?

    Love your articles,
    Thank you

    • Kevin March 20, 2014, 8:19 am


      To be honest, I think your chances are slim. And you will only be wasting your time if you pursue him. But if you want, you can contact him one final time to see where he is at. If it seems he is committed to her, you’ll be better off moving on.

  • ingrid March 20, 2014, 6:38 pm

    Hi kevin! I found your site today and it’s amazing. thank you!
    Question, my ex broke up with me december of 2012. we were best friends during our time together. we rarely fought, always communicated and had a respectful and honest partnership. I loved him and still do. He broke up with me because he didn’t see me in his future. He wanted to be in love and said he didn’t feel like he was (ouch). BUT he did say when we broke up that he loved me…(confusing!). But still wanted to remain in each other’s lives. I tried that for about 7 months and realized it wasn’t working for me and I stopped contact for almost 3 months. I’ve done everything you have suggested during that NC time except date. I’ve always taken care of myself and that’s one of the many things my ex liked about me including being easy to be with and the fact that I listened to him. Basically, we’ve been in contact for the last 3 months. I’d say we are slowly getting back to having the friendship we had when we were dating…without the physical stuff. I must tell you though that he has dated quite a bit and I think he’s had his heart broken at least once. He has always said he wished these girls were more like me.

    He trusts me and would do anything for me. I know this for a fact because he’s helped me out when I’ve needed it. I will always love him and would never push him into wanting to get back together for fear that we would lose our friendship. BUT I would love to be with him.

    What do you think I should do? When I text or call he always answers and we have coffee or lunch at least 2-3 times per month. Should I stop contact for 30 days and at least start dating? I’m at a loss because I know he likes me because he always compliments me when we are together. He said to me a few days ago at lunch that I have all these amazing qualities and a lot of men would get scared to ask me out because they wouldn’t know what to do or how to handle it..(i’m confused by this by the way). Please tell me what to do. thank you for everything you do:)

    • Kevin March 23, 2014, 2:28 pm

      I guess you have two options.

      1. Either start dating. If he has feelings for you, they will emerge at the thought of losing you forever to some other guy.

      2. Talk to him about getting back together. There’s a chance he might reject you. But there’s a chance he might accept as well. If he rejects, you start no contact and start dating. There is still a chance he might want to get back together once he realizes you are starting dating.

      • ingrid March 24, 2014, 12:01 pm

        Thanks Kevin!

        I think I’ll start dating. The thought of him rejecting me again is too scary…(I brought up getting back together a few months after our break up because we were hanging out as if we were still together and he rejected me). He’s never experienced having a friendship with me while I was dating someone else. We’ll see!!

        Thank you…You’re awesome:)

  • Vince March 21, 2014, 6:13 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    “What If We Had a Nasty Breakup?” the “Nasty Breakup” you mentioned consists of my EX Cheating on me and cause breakup? D:

    • Kevin March 23, 2014, 12:15 pm

      Well, in that case, you need to first decide if you can trust your ex again before getting in touch.

  • Anonymous22 March 27, 2014, 7:41 pm

    So me and my ex have been off and on for a while we broke up about a year and a half ago. it never really went away for me. i tried dating but i was never interested in anything serious. we had a great relationship, and we never fought but we broke up bc he lives away during the summer and we were miserable being apart from eachother. he said that he missed me too bad and it was easier breaking up. he said he didnt see a point in it anymore. we were off and on since then. we have a few classes together this year and i see him often. its awkwar in person but over text were fine. he gets jealous but tries not to show it of other guys. and there is this sexual tension between us that is very evident and usually cant be ignored. ive tried to move on and explore other people but it just hasnt worked. i fade away from the idea of him but i know i am just settling for something i dont really want. how do i transition back into a relationship rather than something casual?

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 9:16 am

      You need to apply no contact for a month or two.

  • Brandon March 27, 2014, 8:10 pm

    Hi Brandon. I am diagnosed with OCD and really am still in love with my ex which makes things that much harder. I would REALLY appreciate it greatly if you could read this and give some advice. He are the details of our relationship/breakup-

    We were together from June 2011 until October 2012, so 1 year and 4 months. She broke up with me for a week in August but got back together for the next two months and then she broke it off for good telling me she was sure it wasn’t going to work. When I asked her if she thought there was the possibility of getting back together in the future, she said it wouldn’t be fair to say. She said she just “needed to be single for awhile” and she didn’t want to keep “leading me on”. For the next three months until January we remained in each other’s lives since we both went to the same community college. I was wary of giving her space but she said she still liked seeing me so it was no problem. For Christmas I got her a DVD of a movie we saw together and she loved it, sending me a text later that same day saying “I still love you but I just need more time to think” After that she only sent me around two more texts which ended on Jan. 5th. A couple weeks after I sent her a text saying sorry if I hadn’t given her enough space and asked if we could meet-up and talk in person. She said she didn’t think it would be a good idea unless it made me feel better because every time we meet up to talk she is not in the same emotional place as I’m in. We did meet-up though and talked and I realized her feelings still didn’t change obviously. So from that point on I decided to implement NC and let HER reach out to me via text, not vice versa. Only problem was, her birthday is in February and mine is three weeks later in March. We both texted one another and wished each other well. AND THAT WAS IT.

    I mean, ZERO contact for the past year at all. I wanted to text her so many times but couldn’t. Hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life by far. But everyone told me you have to wait for her to reach out to me. Now, almost a year and a half later and a year and two months since we haven’t had any contact (besides the birthday wishes) I find myself in the same dilemma all over again: On her birthday last month I texted her and she replied with a Hey! thank you! 🙂 and we talked for a bit. Towards the end I got kind of pushy with my responses like “I feel like we have so much to catch up on”, “can you still text”? and saying things like I’m sorry I disrupted you in class during a midterm. I know she didn’t like it when I said sorry a lot. Her last text was “I’m going out to celebrate with my friends now, I’ll text you later”. So I figured if she didn’t text me later that day then no problem, she would text me on her birthday, just like she did last year.

    And then she didn’t. I was pretty shocked. I know she didn’t forget because then she would have sent me a belated text. I came to the conclusion that she probably feared if she texted me even a simple happy birthday, I would turn it into a conversation and she didn’t want that and didn’t want to give me any false hope. Either that, or there’s another guy. But let me be clear here:

    -She is a very quiet, shy girl that doesn’t flirt at all.
    -She is focused on finishing school at UCLA and getting her degree.
    -Both her and I are in the same grade and same situation: we both transferred to a 4 year college this past school year, have approximately the same number of units and just go to different schools.

    We also don’t have any mutual friends and we hardly ever talked on the phone during our relationship which makes it seem like the only plausible way of communicating is via text. She even deactivated her facebook account.

    So what do I do? If I find another girl so be it but I still want her back so badly and feel like I’ve done everything I possibly could. A friend of mine told me to call her to get clarity but what if that pushes her away further? Do I just live my life and let the ball be in her court about whether or not to contact me?

    Please help I would be forever grateful.

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 9:14 am

      Hey Brandon,

      She is probably exploring her options and there is a chance that she might be dating someone else. I will recommend you start dating other girls as well. I’ll be honest with you, your chances are slim. The best you can do is let her be, and concentrate on yourself.

  • Brandon March 27, 2014, 8:12 pm

    And we were both 19 when we started dating and now we both just turned 22.

  • Heather March 28, 2014, 1:48 pm

    I fell in love with my male best friend. We were together for more than 2 yrs as boyfriend and girlfriend.. We got along great as bffs but not as boyfriend and girlfriend. I had a life altering event in that caused me to put my life into perspective and I decided to break up with him because im not sure he felt the same way i did. He told me he did but the actions didnt match at times. It has been a year after the breakup, but i have tried to remain friends with him, but it has been difficult because i still love him like a boyfriend. I would attempt nc but I would do it for a week or so and he would text me and I would answer back. But not sure this pertains to my situation since we have been broken up for a year but still friends on and off. My goal is to get over him as my boyfriend and just be friends. I started no contact and its been 11 days. He emailed me on day 10 telling me he isnt happy that I chose to leave his life and not talking with me and that im his bff. I told him that I was taking time to heal before inititaing no contact. So do I answer the email and reiterate that i just need time to heal? Should I be still doing no contact when I just want to be is friends? I feel already that after 30 days he will be really angry at me and wont talk to me.

    • Kevin March 30, 2014, 5:25 am

      You should tell him that you want to do no contact. Although, I must warn you that it’ll be very difficult to just be friends with him and not have any feelings towards him. It’ll be easier for you to just cut him from your life and move on.

  • Anonymous22 March 28, 2014, 6:44 pm

    what do i go after the no contact rule?

  • James Richardson March 29, 2014, 6:35 pm

    Dear Kevin my wife and I were together 25 yes this April 2014. We married in 1991 in August 2011 I woke up and she and my 18 yr daughter and 5 yr old son were gone. From 2002 to 2010 we were in a lawsuit with my first wife it was horrible. We lost $300,000 our entire savings paying the ex them I lost my $150,000 year job then our home.Then she left found out 2 years later she was having a 5 month affair during our last months together. She now lives in Northern CA with my son,my daughter lives in Middle CA I am in Scottsdale where we lived 20 years.She has lived with a Guy now for a few months but dating over 1 year. We were having marriage problems and were not very sexually active it was me nit her.She had no Dad growing up and has had trouble with men raping her prior to our meeting .I was the first Guy to actually Love her and still do. She left me in 1991 for a year had affair i found out she stayed angry at me dated / sex told me after we reunited she hated me and didn’t want to come back that’s why she dated many men, A year later married now,she did exact same thing. 5 months then came back had our daughter moved to AZ all’s well until 2003 lawsuit and job made me a nasty selfish jack ass no sex or attention from me for years had sin in 2007 she called our the immaculate inception it killed me but at point she pushed me away romantically.
    Left and is Very angry at mea about things I did etc.No divorce no I love you or don’t love you nothing. No nothing?
    I Love her and my children and to this day am sick in love and would like her to try again to make a new marriage any thoughts?
    James Arizona

    • Kevin March 31, 2014, 10:57 am

      Hey James,

      I am sorry you are in this situation. I guess you can try following the 5 step plan to get her back. I’ll suggest you keep a no contact period of 4 months and try to learn to be happy without her.

  • Lisa April 10, 2014, 10:08 pm

    Hey. so my “ex” are I have been dating for 9 months, but were close friends for about half a year before that. We live on other sides of the world and met in mine as friends and stayed after going into a relationship. Half way through I moved to his country. We got in a huge fight and I ended up booking a ticket home.. so now I’m home. but before I left we said we would take it day by day in 6 months we would see each other again while travelling. Before I left, and a week after I got back he was so sweet to me telling me he was in love with me and always would be… but now he is acting all shady, he is telling me doesnt really know whats going to happen, and when we will meet up etc… i dont know what to do!! we are so close, best friends. just so out of character. i have only been back a couple of weeks!

  • Mike April 14, 2014, 2:05 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    So I dated this amazing girl for over 2 years but to be honest we jumped into seeing one another before I was ready and before I had had a proper amount of time to get over my previous ex. I carried this throughout out relationship and as a result I couldn’t figure out if I loved her or not. My feelings where always clouded. We broke up and got back together a number of times during this period and then in August of last year I broke up with her one final time in order to process a large proportion of other stuff as well as my feelings for her. Anyway I took the time I needed (approximately 5 months), did some work on myself, worked out what I wanted and realized I was desperately in love with her. Then after a period of about 5 months of no contact I went out with her one night and told her exactly how I feel. She rejected me and told me it was too late and that she wasn’t in love with me anymore, that she had met somebody new and that I needed to let her go. Anyway, I did, I started dating again and met somebody new. All the while we were having to see each other every day. We work together in the same small building and it is impossible for us not to engage with one another which makes the no contact rule almost impossible. I desperately want her back because I know that I love her and that she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Please help me.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:39 am

      Hey Mike,

      I think you should continue contact with her and try to build attraction slowly under the pretence of friendship. Hopefully, her new relationship won’t last long. You’ve already done no contact for 5 months so I don’t see a point in doing it again.

  • Sky April 15, 2014, 1:39 pm

    Dear Kevin

    I don’t normally ask my problems or seek my advice about dating but for some reason reading your blogs and people’s questions and how you respond to them. I would ask my family and friends but for some reasons, my friends who never experienced something like this give me wrong advice’s. I was debating to even message you a question, but here goes.

    I met my boyfriend 3 months ago (november) however nothing started to be official until December when we confirm to be bf and gf. however a long the weeks ahead we had little quarrels either it could be miss communications and ego/pride. There were times when were doing just fine, but then he ruins the moment by saying or doing something stupid. My friends say we were on and off. He said he loves me so much that he cannot bare to loose me. He even did drastic measures to get my attention back. But I was scared. because everything was going way too fast and I didn’t know how to handle the situations. I thought of unfriending him on facebook, ignoring his calls, and do the cliche “lets breakk up”. Out of anger I do these. But there was a time where he asked to meet up late at night over fight. I did that ignoring phase. But it was painful because I like him so much that I was scared. he gave me a chance but I blew it. I guess I did the wrong moves. but he was actually my first boyfriend, which I couldn’t tell him. (I know a few facts about him, that he has all these girls messaging him, but there was a time I saw his messages to all his exes that he “loves them” and “wants to get married” I read the patterns he tells them. Dishearten, so every now and then when he talks to me I sense the same pattern. ) He is 2 years older than I am. I’m 23 and he is 25. Now that we are in long distance. It is harder because I can’t see him at all. It was a rocky 3-4 months communication. I did all the talking, I mostly talked about my day-to-day, then i asked him what he is up to. but he gives me the 1-2 words empty conversation. It gave me headaches. He told me I am boring and not interesting anymore. I even cried myself to sleep for weeks because he never tried to even talk. I am not the type of person to send “I love you” or really cheesy love lines. and yes sometimes I don’t even know what to say. He’d ask if I love him, and how much. and I would say a lot. As the months came the more I missed him. Since we’re not together physically we tried to skype each other frequently but the problem is our communication. I did the ignoring stage but he kept calling me non-stop. we even had fight online, he would say I am the problem, I am a bitch and stupid enough to understand, I act like an elementary mind set, and this and that. While all I do is stay calm, try to reason it out, and not say anything to him cause infact I am scared to of fear that he will let me go. We fought even to say “lets break up” because he doesn’t see this relationship go anywhere.
    He has work in another country for 6 months while I am stuck in the states. For the few 2 months I have been grieving, beating myself up to it, crying like an idiot. When in the first place I did the dumping first because i THOUGHT it was the right way, but i ended up falling for him after. Like I took his love for granted and now that I want him so bad I get treated like shit.

    My friends/family are concern of my health. This boyfriend or ex boyfriend treats me like shit on skype he would tell me curse me words of the “F’Us” the “Bees” call me a loner with no friends. And when I really got fed up because I TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK. I stopped everything. He would call me, text me, even skype messages
    he would say hes sorry, that he is wrong that he loves me and miss meso much. then here i am to fall for it and answer. he said he’d change but he never does and tells me that i am still boring. I honestly have nothing to talk about anymore.

    I am starting to think I am boring. But comparison, he is a guy who admits he never likes music, only reads political and business types of books, drinks every weekend after work, parties etc. I was told he is a party person. but honestly when I look at it, its not fun. I am the opposite, introvert&extrovert in between, I like to dance, read books, create art, outdoor activities, talk be with friends, listen to music. and pretty much anything I find interesting. to label me boring i question myself all the time.

    this long distance kills me. and i wanted him back so badly but he keeps saying he cant because of his work, that I SHOULD go to HIM. I mean I can, but I can’t since I am financial down, and I tried but I have no money which I explained to him. But he tells me that “its not becuz u cant its becuz u didnt try” and he goes “i cant believe and trust u anymore”. I stare at those words and i am like begging already to make him understand. how is trust involved when one person has no money to travel to see them. and before all of this. he did mention he would hurt me if ever i see him.

    recently this long distance has got me thinking I am the problem. but when when he said to our last breakup online he goes on saying that he will never say sorry because he thinks it is 100% my fault. then i reason it out, then he tells me that if yes he wants to break up unless i dont see him in the country he is in now. and im like its not fair! cuz im still going to university and working 3 jobs but the money is not enough. he even called me a beggar. how can I be one, when I am working 3 jobs to save for my studies and pay bills. and now another baggage to see him. but when he said “your a poor beggar, beg on” he pushed a wrong button and I exploded. I am tired. Why cant he just come and visit me instead?

    Recently, he told me to get married to him but i didnt say anything. cuz if i said yes he’d tell me to fly out. but I have my goals to finish my 2nd course in university. he would countless say he loves me so much. but what i dont get is, he calls me a bitch, screams out the “f-us” and call me “friendless loser with no friends” then when i stop talking to him he calls me saying he loves me. I have never been in such a roller coaster. It makes me MAD and SAD. but still I love him well..half of it anyways.

    Then today he asked if I want to have sex with him, and it was out of the blue. he even asked me to send my naked photo to him. and when i asked why, he demands it on the spot. I didnt reply. and no I wont send it. I know for a fact he’d either threaten me with those. But I am so scared he would leave me. I wanted to email him that I am not the type of woman to send those, if he loves me he would respect me.

    but im scared, cause with my over thinking I fear he would insult me of my personality call me boring and all the names a high school kid would say not a manly way. nope.

    my family and friends said that he is only after getting it from me and doesn’t care about me. after he cursed me right, he would ask if he can call. and when i pick up he doesnt say anything at all. ignored.

    will he really come back for me? but after i type this i dont know.

    I saw his TRUE colours. with this long distance.

    that is why i couldnt say yes to him thru marrying. and to the point even if I smile to the fact I am scared. but then again even if i said yes, it is just words.
    I was told, if he was a decent man he would fly out back and propose normally.

    SORRY for the paragraph. but i had to point out it out.

    please reply. thank you

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:06 am


      He is emotionally abusive and you should apply no contact rule for at least 3 months. I know you feel like you love him, but trust me you are just attached to him and are afraid of losing him. The feeling you have is just FEAR of losing someone who was close to you. This feeling can easily be mistaken for love. I’ll recommend you tell him you need some space and time and you don’t want him to contact you for three months. Then start no contact and even if he contacts you, don’t answer.

      Look at yourself, you are scared, you are doubting yourself, you are just hoping he will become a decent man, when clearly he is not. Were you this much miserable before you met him? Love is supposed to make you feel better in your life, not worse. Love helps you grow in your life, it doesn’t make you doubt yourself. It’s not love Sky, it’s FEAR.

  • Lana April 20, 2014, 9:51 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I started a new relationship in February of this year for the first time in two years. My ex broke up with me last week because “he has no time to date” due to him trying to find another job and attend school (I’m not sure if this is the actual reason). We got back together two days later due to me calling and texting him expressing how much I missed him. For the following week nothing felt the same. I found I was calling and texting him more than he was trying to contact me, and he acted as if he didn’t want me around. So I broke it off with him after an argument about him not seeing me for two weeks (he live 20 mins away from me). I ended it peacefully with a text stating that maybe he was right that we needed space apart and that if its meant to be it will happen on its own (He never replied to my text). I was his first girlfriend and he was really ill experienced in communication and dedicating time to me. I really miss him a lot but my pride will not let me force someone to stay with me if they don’t care about me anymore. I’m not sure if these 5 steps will work for my situation I think I’ve lost him forever ☹.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:41 am

      Hey Lana,

      I think you do have a chance and the 5 steps might work for you. It’s worth trying.

  • Jordan April 27, 2014, 10:14 pm


    Me and my ex have been broken up for a couple months now. I went through the no contact period and I emailed her. We have been talking via email for a couple weeks now. The conversations have been fine. Mostly small talk. I was going to ask her out to lunch pretty soon, but she hasn’t responded to my last email. It’s been a week. I’m not sure what to do at this point.


    • Kevin April 29, 2014, 12:11 pm

      Wait another week and email her again.

  • Eliza April 28, 2014, 12:01 pm

    My ex and I were together 2 years.. We had a nasty break up but we both know what went wrong.
    He moved away ( 3hrs away) We have been in constant contact since and met up occasionally.
    However I recently found out he has had an on/ off girlfriend where he lives for past year. During that time we have been in contact!
    She found out about me and took him back… I was destroyed because of the lying. I am now applying the no contact rule.. But really want some explanations .. I’m v hurt and lost as to what to do

    • Kevin April 29, 2014, 12:26 pm

      I think the best explanation is that he was a jerk and he doesn’t deserve your time and energy. You wasted enough on him already. It’s time to move on.

  • Anon May 2, 2014, 11:29 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I messaged privately yesterday & I know I’m being impatient, I just wanted to know if you got it & when you would be able to reply?


    • Kevin May 3, 2014, 10:30 am

      Hey Anon,

      I’ll try to get back to you soon but I am a little backed up with the emails. Is it possible for you to post your query here.

      • Anon May 6, 2014, 6:53 am

        Hey Kevin,

        Thanks, I slipped up at the weekend so back to day 2 of NC, so I’ll just wait to hear from you 🙂

  • k May 4, 2014, 7:32 am

    hi kevin,
    if a man breaks up with you….for one year he stays away….but at times after a month or two messages a casual message saying he misses you but then again turns a cold shoulder and enters no contact…..what does it mean? Has he moved on? Last year he left me but he after every month he wud always try to initate a contact….i always responded to his messages telling him i still lv him…. last month around mid of march till mid of april he had started initiating the contact with me literally pleading to talk with him saying he values me a lot and saying that he knows that i am the only true friend who cares for him…..then all of a sudden he vanished again!

    later i found they both went out of station….she is tooo young for him but she is totally crazy about him and entered his life in past few months,,their relationship has grown from platonic to i think something close in past few weeks…they work together in same office so practically they live together 24×7 as even go out of station for official work…..that girl has admitted on fb that she loves him a lot and he is the best man of her life….she even keeps posting a lot of their pics together….although he refuses that to me and simply says she is crazy girl.

    Fact remains I cant cut her away from him as they both work together…sadly she is always glued to him wherever he goes and I know it is he himself who makes her tag along as males enjoy females who give them all their attention and love…anyway i am no one to comment on that but I always believed it was his rebound but even if it is not i am more concerned to know what feelings he has for me and will he ever come back??

    since 15th april we both hv entered no contact again….this time I have decided to not reply to any of his messages till 3 months( If ever he messages which now I seriously doubt as I think he has finally moved on with another)………..oh kevin …..even the thought of his not missing me hurts me………I have loved him a lot….we shared a most beautiful relation….i have waited for his come back committed to me for one year….I still wait and hope for some miracle as I still love him…….it was true from my side and i am unable to fade it…..although I have tried hard to cut off cords with him still I hope each day for some miracle…

    Now considering that I really want him back please tell me what is the wisest thing to do….he is a good man and not bad….i think we both simply need time together and we shall be bonded again but he has denied to give me that time…….I know 3 months no contact time from my side is a huge jump in faith…i may loose him forever as he may start finding comfort and be more close to this other female who as such is already to have a hot affair with him or perhaps who is already having that :(…..but what other option is left for me…nothing ……my world has fallen apart and it seems I stand helpless as I find no way to integrate our world together again…….please please please advice me is my entering no contact with him at this point a correct decision…..also do advise what all I need to do to save this relation,,the hope that I am still hanging on to…..kindly shed some light and kindly make me see things clearly…..is there still a hope of reunion or is the man totally over me and moved on? if so then till last month why did he messaged me and said that he values me??why his actions never seem to match his words as he chooses to vanish away from me everytime by entering a no contact but again after few months tries messaging a casual hi…….well this time I somehow feel that he has cut the contact forever and would never initiate a message again………..oh and i dont want to even initiate the message also as last one full year i have messaged him so much that now i feel so stupid….oh kevin our love was so blessed,,still hard to believe it is finally over……what do you say is there a chance?

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 12:04 pm

      You are doing the right thing by doing no contact for 3 months. As for hope, I think your chances are less. But you have a chance nonetheless. I’ll recommend you prepare yourself for the worst during these three months.

      • k May 8, 2014, 5:06 am

        thanks for ur response……i am too confused…..since last one year this man is practically living with other, sleeping with other,,,enters a no contact with me but then after a month or two messages me to remain friends with him…sometimes saying he still values me and lvs me and sometimes saying he is still roaming lost in the world…..but never ever once trying to be with me……I have become most confused now………if my chances are less then why till date the cord between us has not cut from both sides…I knw he is happy with the other but what makes him message me then?? I really cant understand this piece of male psychology….its been like this for past one year

        i really dont know…deep down my mind says it is all over this time as since last april he has blocked me from his social site and esp when his relation with other female has also grown drastically intimate i guess….but deep down my heart keeps waiting for him to come back and give our relation a chance…

        u say my 3 months contact is the correct thing…Just 5 more questions if u answer I shall be obliged–
        1.what to do…should I vanish or should I reply him if at all he messages after a month or so that why I am not talking to him now…

        2.secondly if we somehow happen to see eachother as we live nearby, should I ignore him or should I smile and say hello like an aquaintance?

        3. what if he doesnt message me once in these 3 months and doesnt unblocked me in his phone….then what should I do after 3 months,,still message him after 3 months or shd I keep waiting till he decides to revive our relation again and messages me if again?

        4. he even till last time that is in april when he initiated contact with me before going nc again ,,till that time also he said moments spent with me were most special for him and he has not been able to erase them completely ….then what should I take it as …is his love for me really true and should I give him the time to decide his inner feelings about me?
        I love him a lot and would be most happy if our relation grows again but I am too hurt and I fear from his leaving me again and again….help me…..I am not able to integrate myself together as despite all I still forgive him and love him the same 🙁

        5. And yes what if in between his relation with the other female goes little rough and he comes to me for support,,,shd I be there then or should I simply stick to my nc rule till full 3 months?

        Thanks ,,waiting for ur reply

        • Kevin May 8, 2014, 2:10 pm

          1. Ignore him. If he keeps contacting you, tell him you need space and time.

          2. If he says hi or is making eye contact, say hi. But don’t start a conversation and if he does, make up an excuse and end the conversation asap.

          3. First of all, you should make an effort to move on during these 3 months. Go out on dates as well. If after 3 months, you still want him back, then you should message him, regardless of him contacting you.

          4. Take it as his confusion. Every time he contacts you, he contacts you to see if you are still available for him. It’s reassuring for him to know that someone is waiting for him if someday he finds himself lonely.

          5. That’s your call. I’ll recommend you stick to NC. Although, supporting him during that time also has some advantage.

          • k May 9, 2014, 10:23 am

            Thanks a lot kevin…so sweet of u to be there and answer me point wise….I wish I knew abt u and ur site one yr bck then I am sure things wd hv surely been on my side as at tht time everything was fresh and he really missed me truely then….bt like a fool i made mny mistakes like pleading..messaging again n again and wht not and now time and the other female hs entered and maybe he hs moved on….who knows….one yr is a long time and now whn I look bck I realize I screwed all wonderful chances of getting bck ..I still love him lets see wht future holds for me aftr 3 mnths….bt yes one thing i must say though i lost time still ur advice till date stands the best ….u are tooo wise and I would recommend everyone to listen to ur advice as it always does work…thnks n god bless…..will talk bck to u later perhaps as I really dnt knw wht shall happen in cming mnths and whn next I shall need ur help…hope u will be there always…thanks and be blessed and ys please do pray tht he misses me and comes bck to me comitted forever.

          • Kevin May 11, 2014, 10:29 am

            I wish you the best K. Thanks for your comment. )

  • Hello May 7, 2014, 11:59 pm

    Hello, I originally meet my ex about 14 years ago, we liked each other then. However we were married to different people, so nothing happened. Over the years we saw each other a few times by accident. Then in September last year I made a comment on fbook on a mutual friends page. With in 2 weeks we were going out. He was very full on while I had my guard up. Talking about the future and it had been years since he had that emotional connection with anyone. After 6 weeks I started to trust and let my guard down. I felt him start to pull away then some sad things happen on his side which were out off our control. A few weeks later I got the talk “I’m not ready for commit ment” It was all very civil, I tried to apply no contact rule.

    However he made contact and even helped me by hiding children’s Xmas presents and bought them up Christmas eve. Since then we have seen each other a few times and we have a laugh. Most of the time now it is me who initiate contact via text. A few weeks ago he admitted he missed elements off our relationship and a few things he doesn’t. Then a few days later I saw something on Facebook so I contacted him. (I feel there are unresolved issues to do with grief) I suggested that he spoke to someone.

    This went down like a lead balloon. Yesterday I sent a light hearted text and asked for his advise on something. I got back the advice bit, it was very neutral. Then for some strange reason I looked on this dating site to see he was on 🙁
    I find this heart wrenching. I really don’t know what to do. First I do want to explain why I said about getting help. My head stays let it go my heart is a different matter tho! Do we have a chance? Thank you

    • Kevin May 8, 2014, 1:43 pm


      Your relationship was short and if you are right about his unresolved issues, your chances are even less. I think you should apply no contact for a 2-3 months and let him deal with his issues. That’s your best bet.

      • Michelle Booth May 9, 2014, 10:02 am

        Thank you.

  • Anne May 8, 2014, 9:13 am

    Kevin, Hi there!
    It’s awkward for me to do this. But I’ve seen lots of people messaging you. So I would try to ask for help. I’m in very much in NEED of help! 
    My American bf and I have been together for a year but we have to separate places because of his work and I need to come back here in the Philippines. For two months of being separated and in LDR he seems to changing. That’s where I started to get over jealous and often assuming the worst. I always ask him where did he go, who was with him everytime he’s out.

    One night on dec (13th) we had this argument , me complaining things. That he doesnt have time for me etc. Then he hung up and didn’t want to talk to me even I called and texted a lot. He said he’s gonna talk to me “later”. On the second day I called him, he answered for a bit then told me he’s gonna call back when he gets home. He sounded irritated still. I’ve waited for hours before I called back again. But, that’s when I no longer could able to reach him. He never contacted me since.

    No Xmas greetings,Even new year greetings. I text, email and call him every single day and tried to reach him even asked his parents(yea i did) to get ahold of him for me. But he never contacted me despite of my pleading and begging to talk to me. On jan.8 he finally contacted me thru email. And that was a broke up e-mail. Of course I was totally shocked. From then I asked, begged every single day for him to come back and give me more chance and promised him that I’m gonna change as being a jealous person. At first month of talking to each other since the break up he seems to still care for me and love me.

    He even admit to me that he had thought of giving me a chance but because he see me not changing, always jealous even we already broke up , he got mad and told me there’s now way now.  And he really distant and cold. One day last month I sent him an acceptance letter that I’m accepting his break up, but after couple days I get back to what I used to do texting and asking him a lot of things. Because I can’t! I just can’t! I love him so much… So much that I can’t move on. Its been 5 months now and I’m still miserable. Tho he told me multiple times to just move on and lose my hope cuz we will never get back together and he’s not seeing us being together again, do u think I still have a chance if I’ll follow your advice. He also said that the love he has for me is not the same as before. Anymore. We both on our 30’s. Please help me what should I do.

    He’s now in the Florida, US and I’m in the Philippines. He was the reason too why I came back here from Japan. We still have contacts, sometimes he’s ok. And he would tell me if he feels I’m accepting his offer as being friends then he’s gonna treat me well. He doesn’t want to talk about us anymore. He’s a good man. A faithful one. I know.   But he completely changed to a personality I haven’t  known  of. Since just yesterday i didnt contacted him after he really got mad at me again and cursed a lot. What can I do more? 

    • Kevin May 8, 2014, 2:23 pm

      Hey Anne,

      Sorry you are going through this. I think if you follow the plan and make changes in your life and learn to be happy without him in your life during no contact, then you will have a pretty good chance of getting him back.

      • Anne May 13, 2014, 6:21 am

        Thank you for your reply Kevin.
        It’s me again. I forgot to tell you that we are talking still almOst everyday. I started to not texting him since last week and I failed last night. Cuz something happened that I thought he should know. He replied today, as usual cold nd distant. One word in every long message I send. Uhm, I guess I am going to buy your relationship rewind online (if I’m not mistaken) tonight.

        • Kevin May 16, 2014, 11:08 am

          You’ll have to stop texting him for a while.

  • Megan P. May 10, 2014, 11:01 pm

    Hi kevin,

    So my boyfriend and I of two amazing years broke up about 3 months ago. It was a really hard and stressful break… I was really busy and had a lot of personal issues (emotional abuse from my family), and he basically didn’t have the emotional energy and time to help me through my problems. We broke up – he just said we were just incompatible (i was over-emotional, and he didn’t have time to help me)… our relationship had only been rocky for about 6 months, but really amazing for the year and a half before we moved in together.

    I applied no contact… we thought about getting back together for about a month, then when i blocked him for NC because he was liking all of my photos and statuses, he decided to kill all his feelings for me when we were apart and when I came back after 30 days, he said all his feelings for me had died. I came back wanting to work on things two more times, but he rejected me completely, again saying we were just incompatible and that he didn’t believe in “true love” anyways. I guess the plan now is to wait the 3 months over the summer before I see him again (we’re in college) and try and move on in the meantime.

    I have no problem with moving on and I want to work on my problems that caused the break up (loading him up with my stress issues)… but he just seemed to be disgusted by how sad and needy I was at the end. Every time I would see him I ended up in tears, and I feel like I ruined my chances of showing him that I can be strong and independant. For the month after we broke up, he would tell me it might work out and that he thought of me a lot. A month after that he said it would never work out and we were fundamentally not meant to be together. Any hope for this?

    I want to get back together because he is and was my closest friend in the world… we grew apart because of work and stress and I feel like he’s forgotten who I am. When I come back in 3 months, should I try to be friends or just avoid him and let him come to me? Every time I came to him I was rejected…. even after NC. I feel like he just wants to move on and date other people… especially since he told me how much he loves the freedom of not being together. He also doesn’t believe that people were meant to stay together for a long time. Any advice?

    • Kevin May 11, 2014, 1:45 pm

      When you come back, give him some time to initiate contact with you. I’ll say at least two weeks. If he doesn’t initiate contact, then you should initiate contact. But keep things light and don’t make it obvious you want to get back together.

  • Danielle May 12, 2014, 12:21 am

    Great site you have here!!! I wish I would have seen this a year ago. My bf of 7 years and I broke up last June. Since then, we have had brief contact in October, November and February. Each of these times has always ended up with me crying and being needy and we don’t talk for months. This last time, I initiated contact after 7 weeks of NC. He immediately asked me to dinner and I was happy and pleasant and we had good conversation and the dinner went great. Until dessert rolled around, when he suggested that we talk about our relationship. I immediately started crying (I was slightly drunk after 3 drinks with dinner) and started getting needy. He told me not to have any expectations of him….and he literally couldn’t get me home fast enough. I thought for sure we weren’t gonna talk again for a while, but he stopped by last Thursday to say hi and I just acted super cool like nothing happened and we had great conversation and it was upbeat. No neediness. He told me he would text me Friday and we would get together. Well, no text that night. He did call me today to say hi and happy mothers day but he sounded cool and distant. I really tried sound upbeat when I talked to him. I didn’t mention anything about how rude I thought it was that he blew me off Friday night. (which is how I would usually react, but I bit my tongue!) I know you say not to act like a doormat, so what advice would you give in this case?

    I have been dating and excercising and I got a dog and all the stuff you outline in your plan during this last period of NC and I basically compare everyone Ive dated to my ex. I know he still loves me, shoot he still stores my car at his warehouse and hasn’t asked me to move it. I want it to work, but should I go back into NC since it got awkward?

    Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom.

    • Kevin May 15, 2014, 2:36 pm

      I think a week of no contact should be enough right now. I think you are handling everything fine. You should continue like this for a while. Don’t show any signs of neediness. I don’t think you are being a doormat if you don’t by not reacting to him blowing you off. By not mentioning it, you are conveying the message that it was not so important for you that he calls you and you really weren’t waiting for him. That shows that you are not needy.

      • Danielle May 16, 2014, 1:44 am

        I cant thank you enough for what you are doing here. Your daily emails are helping me immensely! I will let you know what happens. As it is turning out, he texted me Monday morning. We went to breakfast, held hands and it felt great. I texted him today to say hi and it went well. I am learning that patience and a smile work wonders. Thanks again.

        • Kevin May 19, 2014, 12:26 pm

          Thanks for your comment Danielle. I feel blessed to be able to affect so many people’s lives through a website. Internet is truly a great thing. 🙂

          • Danielle June 1, 2014, 1:00 am

            I am happy to report that as of yesterday, my bf and I made it official again! After a year of being apart, he told me to put my (gorgeous) ring back on and change my FB status! I strongly feel that changing my insecure behavior, acting cool (even though I was not feeling very cool), journaling/doing positive stuff for myself is the reason why. And if I hadn’t found this site and your real life approach, I would still be acting a fool.
            Thank you again. It actually worked, and so quickly!

            P.S. I want to continue to receive your emails, to keep me in a positive mindset and not fall back into the insecure girlfriend syndrome.

          • Kevin June 2, 2014, 1:41 pm

            That is so awesome Danielle. Congrats. 🙂

  • Tina May 15, 2014, 10:33 pm

    Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend over a year ago due to too much fighting but we didn’t want to break up and I still held on to the fact that he would wait for me in a way. Now, I saw him at the gym after not seeing him for more than a year. I texted him and he said he still has feelings for me but he’s glad the relationship is over and that maybe we’ll be better friends than girlfriend and boyfriend. What do I do? Why do I miss him all the sudden? Is it because I want to be with him and I miss him or because I realized from seeing on his meet me account that he is moving on? Please. I’ve never been this sad before. Thank you.

    • Kevin May 19, 2014, 12:21 pm

      Hey Tina,

      If you want to get him back, you should continue contact with him as friends and try to build attraction. Start talking to him more often, hanging out with him and eventually start flirting with him. I think the reason you want him back because you never thought he will move on and now seeing him moving on is making you realize that you will lose him forever. I don’t think it’s a good reason to want to get back together.

  • Bianca May 18, 2014, 7:40 am

    Hi Kevin, My ex and I were together for 1 year and a half (2007-2008), some months of it were long distance. Right now I am 30 and he is 31. We broke up mainly because of the distance and because I was confused and thought I wanted to experiment dating other people. So basically I dumped him, he never had any intentions of finishing the relationship. Some months after breaking up I met the person who is now my husband and we got married the following year. Honestly speaking this has been a rebound relationship, my husband is not a good person to me (he is emotionally abusive in fact) and I am getting out of this marriage. I have a 3 year old child. Since I made the decision of breaking up with my husband, I cannot stop thinking about my ex, I think it was a genuine and very positive relationship. We are still in different countries. I was out of touch with him for almost 5 years. After a couple of emails and Facebook messages, three days ago I had a chat with him via text messages in which I told him about my situation and he was cool and supportive. However he isn’t telling me much about his life (he said he would in our next conversation) and I don’t even know if he is in a relationship or not. He is very private and his Facebook doesn’t leave any clues. How do you recommend me to continue the communication? Should I wait for a few more days? Thanks

    • Kevin May 20, 2014, 12:48 pm

      Hey Bianca,

      Kudos to you for getting out of the emotionally abusive relationship. I don’t think you need to have any particular strategy to communicating with him at this point. Just be honest and don’t pressure him into anything. There’s a good chance he is in a relationship, so be mentally prepared for that.

  • marilyn May 27, 2014, 11:53 pm

    Hi kelvin my situation is unusual I dated this guy over twenty years ago but I can’t let him go.he we dated for five months it seemed as if I knew him all my life.we had some nice times together we would talk on the phone until after midnight sometimes.I made the mistake of telling him that I loved. Him I think because soon after he broke up with me he stopped calling and he stopped coming to my house.I was so hurt I tried taking to him he wouldn’t talk to me I tried to see him he didn’t want to see me.I was so hurt I would cry myself to sleep I wanted the pain to stop whoever said the best way to get over a relation is to start another is so wrong,although I love my daughter her daddy was a rebound.after I had my baby my ex reach out to me to see if she was his I thought he wanted to get back with mei found out he was having a child with someone else his child is two years younger than mines during our relationship he had asked me to have his child.long story short I married my daughter dad and had another child I always wanted a family and get married.my ex have been talking to a mutual. friend about me telling him bout the fun we use to have and he should have married me.my husband was there for me when my ex dumped me but he is a mental abuser and he’s cheated on me so many times I don’t think I have ever been in love with him but I always tried to make my marriage work but I’m going to get a divorce I have never gotten over my ex .do you think theres a chance of telling us making our way back to each other.if not please help me be able to let him go.my love for him after over twenty years has never left.I called him a couple Time he won’t talk long or he will make excuse to get off the phone but he talked about some good memories of us.the first contact I told him he broke my heart please help.I still love him and probably always will.my ex is fiftyfour and I’m forty nine

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 1:11 pm

      Hey Marilyn,

      It’s good that you are going through with the divorce. Once it’s over, get back in touch with your ex. If he’s single and still interested, he will respond. If he is not available, then apply no contact and start trying to move on.

  • Leah June 1, 2014, 11:18 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My boyfriend and I have an on-off relationship for almost 2 years. At the beginning we argued about his no boundary and also put up his ex’s rules to affect our normal life and relationship, eg. his ex asked him to shut me out for all his friends and family activities coz she still goes every time, he did it, and blamed its my fault not accepting it. After a couple of fighting on the same issue, we broke up. After 4 months (1 month has angry contacts, then no contact), he beg me back and regret he didn’t handle things fair and didn’t fight for me before, also promise will fight for me and work out future difficulties together. So we were back on. Unfortuantely we still fight sometimes in these 2 months coz situation seems no change. He asked his ex to leave us alone but she refused and hit him, so he surrounded to calm her down. After that, they two still go to friends’ parties together, but refused to bring me. Also, he refused to bring me to his sister’s wedding. I think its because the same reason, or because he feels shame coz people know we are on-off. But he denied, he insisted the reason is his sister does not know me, so did not invite me, but invited his ex. And he broke up with me coz he said we argued too much. Sounds like blame its all my fault.
    I do not know is it a right choice to get him back, coz I feel things won’t be solved if he continue seeing things this way or refused to face or solve problems together.
    I hesitate because we were sure each other the right person for life. But he said he changed mind when we argued.
    Should I move on? How to convince myself he is not the right one for me any more?

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 10:38 am

      You should move on. The way I see it, as long as his ex controls his life, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with him. And I am pretty sure his ex will be in his life for a long time and there’s simply nothing you can do to change that. If you want, you can give him an ultimatum. Either cut his ex out completely, or you move on.

      • leah June 3, 2014, 6:15 pm

        Thank you for your reply, Kevin.
        I think I have no choice but move on, coz he said he won’t cut his ex out coz they need raise baby together, so he won’t do anything to upset her.
        I have doubts is it me asking too much? Is it an unreasonable request to ask him to bring me to his sis’ wedding together? At least he made me feel it is my fault broke us by complaining his close relationship with ex and sis’ wedding invitation.
        After all these, I feel the things I used to think appropriate to do, now I have doubts.

        • Kevin June 4, 2014, 1:14 pm

          You are not asking too much leah. What you demand is perfectly reasonable and if someone wants to be with you, he should be able to provide you with the respect and admiration you deserve. You are better off moving on.

          • leah June 4, 2014, 6:20 pm

            Fair enough. Thats what I think too, although it hurts me badly start persuading myself he is not the one, made me feel I betray our belief. But he said that to me when we broke up. Heartbroken.. I will be brave.
            Thank you very much.

  • Deni June 2, 2014, 3:04 am

    Hi kevin,
    Thankyou so much for all the Information you are giving to so many. This is what I needed to fi d sooner.
    I met a great guy via kids school ( alternative schooling so on the same page ). I knew his ex partner well ( who has moved on with new man and had a child with ). After a few months of communication with this guy I realised we had a deep connection. So asked his ex how she would feel if we dated? ” sure I just want him to be happy “.
    We were happy , we shared time with each others kids, both of our families and our exs. It was all I would want in a blended co parenting scenario. Alas his ex all of a sudden didn’t like it. Every time we were together she would text / call 3 times a day. I was patient initially as I am aware of patterns and need to communicate with mother of kids. But after awhile I became aware it was a massive intrusion and she didn’t want him to move on and did everything in her power to stop our relationship . This resulted in an on again off again. As their relationship was co dependant for 18 years and he always gave into her demands.
    I eventually realised I was a rebound relationship and despite the on again of again hot cold that was sending me crazy . This went on for 3 years. We have had nc on off for over 12 months, yet the times we reconnect are open and giving and consistently met with emotional shut down from him. This then creates the needy clingingness of trying to understand.
    The 4 times we broke up was at our happiest times and at times when we were moving to next phase. The common denominator is his ex becoming unhappy. Thats when I had enough. I was patient but if her happiness was more important than mine , despite her moving on and having a child with his best friend than I just can’t continue.
    Yet I still care for him deeply and miss him and his kids and how he was with mine. It has now been over 12 months from breakup and yet we have had at least 5 intimate moments in that time. He just shuts down without explaination and usually after an opening up. So very confusing for me.
    Please help . This has been driving me crazy. We are both in our early 40s and have very similar alternative views in politics / education and values.

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 10:47 am

      Hey Deni,

      Unfortunately, as long his ex is controlling his life, you stand very little chance. I know it sucks to lose someone who you have a good connection with. But the truth is, he is not a perfect match for you since his ex is always going to control him. I’ll recommend you try to move on.

      • Deni June 6, 2014, 12:25 am

        Thankyou kevin ,
        I do agree. I just find it difficult as I was happy to spend time with his ex and her family ( who all really liked me ) as they have a long history and children together. Yet now we are both alone . Neither of us moving on whilst she is building a new life and family.
        The last time I saw my ex we connected really well and he opened up to the pain of her moving on and having another child ( which I can relate as same circumstance happened for me and my kids dad it is hard) I guess I am just confused as to why he cant move forward and let us be happy as I am not asking him not to be available to his ex or cut her out. All I ever wanted was us all to work together and have boundaries so we can all move forward. Its a shame her happiness is considered more than ours or even the children . Who all got along well too. So damn perplexing :/

        • Deni June 6, 2014, 2:18 am

          I guess I am just questioning if I should still be there for him ? When we were first together he posted how great it was to be in a relationship where he was heard ( on fb) I suggested he might want to delete comment as it would upset his ex . ( too late she lost it and our first breakup ). :/
          But a few months later we worked it out and he told me how greatful he was I persisted as he pushes people away ( I heard). So as much as he pushed I stayed ( as I understand depression and the isolation. He still pushed me away to the point I then felt needy (btw I am not ) I have been a sole traveller of the world pre motherhood of 15 years. Quite happy with my own company and experiencing life. Alas I became needy of trying to understand the push pull . The awareness of him not wanting for me to give up but his consitent need to shutdown at any moment. ( mostly at times that really made no sense … and the shut down could happen midsentence whether positive or negative and there was no clue he would just be gone ) so confusing . So after him asking me not to give up ” don’t stop when I say no “. To absolute shutdown and no response. This has messed with my heart and my head. Arrghh. Please give me an external perspective xxx

          • Kevin June 8, 2014, 11:24 am


            In my opinion, you should definitely concentrate on moving on. One of the many subtle qualities of an unhealthy relationship is that it affects your confidence and self-esteem. This relationship turned you into a needy person. And it was clearly unhealthy. Remember, a relationship can only be as healthy as least healthy person in it.

  • Sam June 2, 2014, 4:39 am

    Hey Kevin,
    Its been nearly a year but I don’t think my ex gf has properly let me go (as it was a nasty breakup: she went to the police after we argued but has regretted it ever since) but she wont talk to me first as I think she has quite a lot of pride and is afraid of the consequences.
    Whereas for me I’ve actually changed a lot: i.e been WAY more outgoing plus much more sociable and I’m more than certain that she’s noticed…(She thought I was needy…lol, I probably was)

    Anyway right now shes on holiday and I dont know if I should contact her now or after she is back? Also I might have contact her through her best friend as due to
    the warning from the police I guess I’m unable to talk to her directly (I think she went on holiday with her as well but at uses facebook more).

    If I do talk to her I’ll just send a quick text through facebook. The only problem is that I dont know if she’ll reply or not…or try and convince me to text her more without her investing any effort…


    • Sam June 2, 2014, 4:45 am

      I also admit I miss her…but I already know that obsession and love is 2 different things, which is why I also moved on and changed a lot…p.s thank you for this website

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 11:00 am

      Hey Sam,

      I think you should contact her. I don’t recommend contacting an ex through a friend, and if possible, you should contact her directly. However, if you think it might get you in trouble with the police, you should do it via her friend.

  • Deni June 2, 2014, 7:54 pm

    Hi Kevin ,
    I am leaving posts but they aren’t showing . Please help

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 10:50 am


      I’ve replied here.

  • nicole June 4, 2014, 6:03 pm

    Okay, so this situation is extremely ridiculous because it’s been 2 years since I was involved with this person. Long story short, there was no contact until he messaged me but never responded, then I sent a letter which he ignored. After 4 months he messaged me from his other facebook profile (I was blocked from his main) but he ended up messing with my head and saying it wasnt him, but thats when I saw I was unblocked from his main..this began a long silent treatment from him, being blocked/unblocked 7 times, him giving me his number just to tell me to never contact him again or he’ll file harassment charges. All ive done is ask him to make amends with me, and he’s messed with my head by saying he’ll respond to one more message “for a while” but never did, and is STILL HOLDING A GRUDGE..hes mixed nice words of wishing me well with calling me names like a crack whore (thats not the exact phrase, but same idea). My point is, at first my attempts to communicate were months apart, then with each ambiguous, contradictory, angry response (2-3 @ a time only, months apart) I started trying weekly, and now hes accused me of stalking him which is a stretch by any means…ive talked with him twice in person, he was congenial both times, told me he’d talk to me or be cool with me, just to threaten harassment charges again..

    I get that he has issues, but obviously so do I because yes, I haven’t moved on after 2 years…but he honestly hasn’t made that easy because he’s given me the impression he’s still affected by me enough to punish me with the silent treatment and accuse me of insulting lies…I’m obviously not okay with letting it go esp after letting my life be on standby in a sense for 2 years..so if you have any ideas at all on how to get him to stop playing games and just be straight up with me, PLEASEPLEASE let me know..thanks.

    • Kevin June 5, 2014, 11:49 am

      Hey Nicole,

      Would you be willing to spend another 3-4 years pursuing him without any results. Because there’s no guarantee that you will get him back, no matter what you do. Your best bet is to do NC for 6 months and then get back in touch. Block him from everything in those 6 months. But you should seriously consider moving on in those six months.

  • Kelvin July 2, 2014, 1:11 am

    Hi, I was with my ex-girlfriend for 12 years. We had a good relationship but the reason we broke up was due to the fact that I waited too propose. We have been separated for 3 years now, we work at the same job but on different shifts. We are friendly and cordial to one another and we get along like we are still a couple. We have talked about going out to eat and hanging out together. We have even talked about taking a vacation together. I realized that I messed up and though I am happy that we are friends I would like to have that friendship grow into a second chance at being together officially with the ring on her finger. Is there hope to get her to see past me just being a friend to being together again

    • Kevin July 7, 2014, 10:28 am

      There’s definitely a chance. You gotta make a move. Ask her out.

  • mary July 7, 2014, 5:01 am

    Sigh. I can’t fuifill no contact. Now he is gone. He deleted his email and change handphone number. We broke three months ago. He found himself a new girlfriend and ask her to stay with her. He created new Facebook account and added his relatives to support him and the new girlfriend. He will be getting married in Dec. We were in a relationship for almost 11 years. He did not give me an engagement ring. Instead he gave the new girl. Can you tell me what to do?

    • Kevin July 9, 2014, 9:38 am

      He is doing everything out of anger, and perhaps an attempt to show you he is moving on. He is trying to win the breakup. And maybe just trying to hurt you. And he is doing it because he is hurt and probably still has feelings for you. You should be calm and follow the 5 step plan. Do NC for a 2-3 months. Let him come to his senses on his own.

  • John July 10, 2014, 6:49 am

    Hello, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 years and a half, and due to an interchange i had to move to another continent. 2 months after I moved out she decided that she couldnt handle the situation despite loving me. 3 months more passed and i found out that she is dating another guy. In our dating anniversary she received a letter of mine, we had a long conversation in Skype and i could see that she still loves me and maybe that is a rebound relationship, but I still have 7 more months in this country and right now i dont see how i can handle this situation. How often should i contact her? What else could I do right now to have her again when i get back? Thanks a lot

    • Kevin July 11, 2014, 8:03 am

      Hey John,

      Well, there’s nothing you can do to stop her from dating that guy. I’ll recommend you contact her once every 2-3 weeks while she is in the relationship and try to increase the frequency once it ends.

      • John July 22, 2014, 5:00 pm

        Thanks for your answer, mate. Should I have small talk conversation? And its very bad to send sentimental things like a video of me playing ukulele?

  • Lisa July 11, 2014, 4:43 pm

    I’ve been trying to add my comment for weeks now. I don’t see it here. Help please!

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:50 am

      Hey Lisa,

      Sorry about that. I have been away and there are a lot of pending comments. Your comments must’ve been deleted. Please post again and read the comments guidelines before posting.

      • Lisa July 15, 2014, 1:51 pm

        Oh ok. Well I hope you get this one. I broke up with my ex April of 2013 because of a fight. We have been in touch since. We met about 5 times and had sex every time. I know I am a Friends With Benefit. But there were few times he would get jealous. or show love. I began to understand its just games. Long story short, I want to know how to get that FWB tag off and for him to respect me? I know the answer is to stop sleeping with him. Let me also add, we are long distant. About 5 hours drive. Thats why every time we met, I had to spend the night. I tried doing the NC rule for a month. He would either contact me within that month, or I would break and end up contacting him. Do I stand any chance? Because I know if we are Long distant, and are FWB, that’s really bad. I don’t contact him unless he does. I know the NC won’t be very effective in my case. Any input?

        • Kevin July 17, 2014, 11:31 am


          No contact will be effective if you don’t answer when he contacts you. And if he keeps on contacting you, tell him you need space and time right now. And you already know you need to stop sleeping with him.

  • Neal July 13, 2014, 9:49 am

    Hi kevin, ive been in relationship with my ex gf from past 6years.
    But during dec 2013 she relocated to a temporary place for few months during that time whenever we contacted she used to tell me that she want some break because she is feeling guilty about something.
    Then we started falling apart, also my big mistake was i had a software by which i used to track her whenever she used to ignore me..
    So 1 night during month of feb 2014, i called her she didnt picked my call and i found dat she is out somewhere else with one guy.. I got pissed off and got out of my mind.. And revealed everything that i know where she is..
    After that many fights happened between us..and finally she broke up with me 🙁
    Now i am feeling very guity about my sins..
    I tried to contact her many times even i tried to get her back but no result. I am falling apart.. Now she changed her number..i dont have any means to contact her.
    Plz help we havent met from past 6months:(

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 12:06 pm

      Hey Neal,

      Sorry this happened. Your best bet is to follow the 5 step plan for now. Do NC for 2-3 months. Apologize for what you did with the letter. And then get back in touch.

  • Sags July 15, 2014, 7:25 am

    Hi Kevin,
    Would really appreciate your advice in this.
    I broke up with my ex 9 months ago after dating for 1 year. We are both 32. She has 2 young children. She said when we broke up it was because I was selfish and lazy and began to annoy her. I know now that I did not put into the relationship what I should have and should have treated her a lot better, but if was my first real relationship. She was my first true love and I begged her to take me back. I continued to try and make contact with her every couple months and would not hear back from her. I think she has moved on and found someone else. I have worked on all the things she said to become a better person as I love her and want to so spend my life with her. I would like to be there for her and her kids and offered to buy her a new car and a house together. A months ago I called her friend to explain this and she emailed me saying to leave her alone and not stalk her or contact her friends. Do you think I will ever be with her again? I love her and everyday without her is torture. It is her birthday in August and will be about 2 months of NC. Should I send her a email or post a card to her. Is there anything I could say or do to have her back in my life? Your advice would be very appreciated

  • Melissa July 15, 2014, 9:20 am

    Hi kevin
    hopefully you can give me an advice my story is..
    I dated my ex for almost 3 years and its been 2 years since we broke up it was like a mutual agreement because both of us were tired of arguing over silly stuff. I regret it after a week but he just wanted space. We use to work together till I quit my job found a better one but also because I got tired of seen him flirt with everyone but we still talk the longest we can stay away from each other is 3 months because is either he contacts me or I contact him. We been close to reconciliation about 3 times during this 2 years we broke up but something always happens that doesn’t end up working out. He went out with one of my friends from work but it didn’t work out for them after 3 months . I on the other hand been to dates and dated 1 person but is not the same I know for sure that my ex is the person I would like to share the rest of my life with but he keeps saying he doesn’t want to date no one he only wants to focus in growing in his career and spending time with his family. And as in right now is like we have become sex buddies . He said he cares alot about me but we can’t not even be friends because of the connection we have ?? I have no clue what to do is been hard to move on for me and I think he is talking to one of his co-workers that use to hate me eve if he denies it I need help !
    Help please

  • Janelle August 20, 2014, 2:05 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    Me and my ex bf were together for 6 months before breaking up. He initiated the breakup after I lied to him. I didnt know how to control my emotions after the split so I came off needy and clingy pushing him further away. After the split 3 months later I found out I was pregnant and contacted him. He said it there was no way the kid was his so he denied it. Of course that hurt because I knew I hadn’t slept with another guy and our breakup wasnt over cheating it was lying. I knew he couldn’t trust me but I didnt think he’d go as far as denying this kid. Long story short, He got a new girlfriend and I went away for the summer to get away from all the drama. I stopped answering his calls and text for about a month. Then got an abortion and contacted him letting him know we wouldnt be parents. He called and checked on me the few days I was in pain after the process but when I got better he disappeared again. Recently I had a friend checked on him to see if he still felt for me and he basically told her he’d never get back with me because he thought I was a liar and could never trust me again so therefore we couldnt have a relationship. He believes that “once a liar always a liar” The other day I did contact him after it had been 3 weeks since I had the bortion. He seemed friendly but still very distant and short with his words. He’d take forever to respond and sometimes not respond at all. I figured he was still mad about the whole breakup and me ignoring him after I told him I was pregnant but i did it because he denied the kid so I went into NC. But I thought an apology was necessary. He accepted it but said he wasnt sure if we could be friends. Then a friend said it was all because of not being about to trust me and all the fights we had. He didnt want the drama. I just want to know what I could do to fix things. I dont want to hear that I should move on because I feel like there is a solution to this. I Know it might take a very long time to get his trust back but I know its possibly. I just need guidance. We go to the same college so I will be seeing him next week after all summer of no physcial contact. Please help Kevin!

    • Janelle August 20, 2014, 2:16 pm

      I wanted to add that my ex bf did break up with the other girl. So he is single. But I feel like he blames part of the break up on me because I was pregnant and didnt find out until they got together so I was kind of in the way. It made it seem to his new girl that he had some baggage so they split.

  • Robinmac85 September 16, 2014, 8:41 am

    Hi Kevin,
    thank you for putting this up as a lot of stuff I’ve been reading is mostly for initial break ups. To be honest I wished I saw this article before my situation happened!
    I was in a relationship with this guy for about 5months few years ago. From my point of view it was a good relationship but it ended (messy post break up too). He moved to away and no contact was made.

    He initiated contact recently, he wanted to see how I was doing and that it been a while, we chatted for a few days how we were getting on, reminiscing and maybe a bit of flirting? Found out that he’s moving back, I mentioned if he was in the area that we could meet and catch up. He said that he would be in about a month or so. Further conversation was exchanged the next few days but nothing since.

    I’m really confused on what this all means and what my next moves should be. Wait for him to contact when he’s back or should I initiate and remind about meeting up?

    • Kevin September 16, 2014, 11:34 am

      After he is back, give him a couple of weeks to initiate the contact. If he doesn’t, then you should contact him.

      • Robinmac85 September 16, 2014, 2:43 pm

        Thank you for help Kevin

  • Louise September 22, 2014, 2:44 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Me and my ex broke up after 7 years together in August 2013. I didn’t want to break up with him but at the time it felt like the only option. After the break up we met up a couple of times but then i moved away to try and get some space and let go of all the anger i had built up (which i did) however, he is now with someone else and i feel like i have left it too late. They have planned a holiday together next year and seem to be serious after only 5 months together. We have had basically no contact since November 2013 but we have to work together (as i moved back).

    My question basically is should i try to get him back or let him move on and try and do the same myself no matter how difficult it maybe

    • Kevin September 23, 2014, 6:22 am

      Hey Louise,

      I think you should get back in touch with him. Maybe there’s a part of him that wants to try again. Maybe not. But at least you’ll know.

  • Rysun September 24, 2014, 10:02 am

    My ex boyfriend and i were together for 3 years. On our 2nd and a half year, we were in a long distance relationship. I cheated on him, broke up with him 8 months ago. I really regret what happened, we already talked about it and back to being friends again. Now i want us to be together again but seems like he’s moved on to another girl. What to i do? Or how do i convince him to give me another chance?

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 11:04 am

      Continue talking with him for a while and if possible, try to meet up. Eventually, tell him that you want to work things out with him.

      • Rysun September 24, 2014, 11:29 pm

        Thank you for your help kevin. 🙂

  • sarah September 26, 2014, 11:09 am

    Hi, my ex husband I and split up 2 years ago over tons of fights. We were very young. Now time has gone by. I have a daughter now. He is in the same place in his life. We both have grown and have been talking for a few weeks. We live a few states away. I am visiting very soon however. He has addmited to missing me and so have I. He never tells his feelings though. I do. We casually text everyday during the day and about once a day on the phone for 5 or so minutes. My question is after so many years but yet a deep connection over years of dating how do I get this to turn into a relationship? And what should and shouldn’t I do when I see him?

    • Kevin September 26, 2014, 12:02 pm

      Just ask him out and set up a meeting. When you meet him, be confident and don’t try to rush anything. Don’t try to bring up the past and just have fun at the moment. Don’t talk about getting back together at least until 4th or 5th date.

  • sarah September 26, 2014, 1:42 pm

    Thanks! & when texting him should I continue to be honest with how I feel & send cute photos? He doesn’t reply much to it but when I ask if he is ok with me sending stuff like that he says yes he is.

  • Michele November 13, 2014, 2:26 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I dated my ex 10 years ago for about 6 months. There were some weird things that happened in the relationship. They were extenuating circumstances and our relationship really did not have a chance. In the end we basically parted ways on good terms, but mostly I believe that he was not in love with me. Fast forward 10 years. He reached out to me. We both had just gone through divorces. We dated for 6 months. Had a decent relationship. No fighting. A lot in common. Good connection. I thought quite a bit of passion. But there were never any “I love you’s” from either of us. Although I loved him very much. In the end he said that it was him and not me. That he could not give me what I wanted. I was broken hearted and the relationship ended. It has been 11 months. I recently reached out to him. We have not seen eachother in a year. During our 1st few text exchanges he said that he has not dated all year. He said that it was definately him and not me with the issues. He said he wasn’t then and still isn’t in a place for a solid relationship. I would love to remain his friend and naturally build into something with him again. Is this even possible?? Will this man ever love me? Will the timing ever be right? Don’t the best relationships come from a place of friendship, or will I always be looked at just a friend to him?

    • Kevin November 15, 2014, 2:09 am

      Yes, it’s possible. But you must understand the risk you are taking by going down that route. You are investing more on him every day by hoping that someday it MIGHT work while you could been spending that time putting yourself out there and find someone who doesn’t have issues and who might just be more compatible with you than him. If he still has issues after a year, I certainly won’t recommend pursuing or hoping anything from him. Good luck.

  • R.A March 31, 2015, 3:29 am

    Hi Kevin,

    This time I am explaining in short as last time it was not posted.

    I broke up with my ex in 2013. The reason being she was wealthy. I am from an average family & I thought in the future there could be problems due to wealth difference.

    I broke up twice. After the first break up I patched up because she cried and begged me to. After the second breakup it was I who cried and begged for her return despite of the wealth issue. Ultimately nothing happened as I didn’t follow the no contact rule. But, for the past one year I didn’t make a single contact.

    I started talking to this girl and formed a relationship so that I could get myself engaged to someone else. Even after that I tried to patch up with my Ex and nothing happened as expected.

    Now it’s been a year since the last time I contacted her. I miss her and sometimes I feel that I still love her even after having someone committed. Afterwards, I really get upset.

    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. I tried convincing myself like that many times & nothing happened.

    In my life I have made many wrong decisions and later realized my mistake. One example which I believe was leaving my Ex. So what can I possibly do now? I feel like sending a short sms exactly the way you suggested. Later I can’t when I think of my current relationship. Overall, it hurts.

    Hopefully you will say something this time.


    • Kevin March 31, 2015, 5:01 am


      It’s a tricky situation. I guess you should ask yourself if the current relationship you are in is something you want for the rest of your life (or for a very long time). If it is, then forget about your ex and never think of messaging her again. If it’s not or you are not sure about it, then you should breakup. It seems you started this relationship simply because you wanted to fill a hole in your life that was caused by the breakup. A rebound relationship. It’ll be better to end it now than later. Be honest with yourself. If you decide to end your current relationship, there’s no harm in sending a text to your ex. Good luck!

  • R.A March 31, 2015, 11:47 am


    Thanks for your reply.

    Thing is I didn’t listen to myself. Instead I seek help of my well wishers. They told me not to look back and to continue with the current relationship by moving on. I was messed up and had no other option apart from getting myself hooked with someone else to fill that gap. For one whole year I followed the no contact rule and recovered myself from the crush & burn. But, my ex was always there. Whenever I started to think of her I asked for their suggestion & they told me to move on. Maybe they did for the best. And so I convinced myself and moved on, gave her gifts and so on. She also did the same with so much love. Now I think it’s too late. If I had listen to myself earlier then things could have been different.

    I also think I started this relationship to fill the emptiness in my heart & moved on for the best. Maybe it’s not working out. If it did, at least from my side then I may not have cared or bothered of feeling my ex so much.

    The girl loves me. I also tell her the same, but to what extent I don’t do. Maybe it doesn’t come from the heart or maybe it does momentarily.

    I don’t wish to hurt her by being selfish, betrayer, liar or cheater. I don’t even know what’s going to happen in the long run. If I continue to miss or secretly keep on loving & adoring my ex from the inside and pretend to love her for her happiness, then technically it will be cheating.

    Anyways, right now I just want to send an sms to my ex. I don’t expect her to come back or have no clue on how she’s going to respond or react. All I want to know is how’s she and what she is going to tell me. Even if she shows sign of patching up or approaches directly to start from scratch, I will take sometime to think.

    Looking forward to your swift reply and cooperation.


    • Kevin April 1, 2015, 7:27 am

      Sounds like a good idea. Sending a text to your ex might help clear your thoughts. Although, you should keep in mind that the longer you stay with this girl for the wrong reasons, the more you will hurt her. If you are with her just because you don’t want to be alone or you want to move on from your ex, then it’s the wrong reason. From what you have said till now, I think you are with her for the wrong reasons.

      • R.A April 2, 2015, 12:33 am

        I talked to her few mins ago. After sending the sms she immediately call me. She was like who is this? Idk whether that was an act or not. Because the first time she call, she was silent & didn’t say a word while I was saying ‘Hello’. I even heard her cutting the call. Second time she said who’s this? Maybe the first call was a test. Anyways, I said my name & then started talking. She was normal during the entire conversation. I guess the no contact rule worked. She was not rude or attacking like earlier times and we had a decent conversation for quite some time.

        She is in Dubai, where I was before shifting in Singapore 2 yrs back. I told her that I came to Singapore 2 days ago after a business trip in Dubai. Her study is going to end next month & she started doing business since last year. They also have industries back home. So, I asked her whether she could help me out for my business development. She said she will ask her fiance (business partner) about it. I said ok. The way she said seem like she made it up just to measure my reaction. I was absolutely normal. Do u think she did that purposely to test, just to know how I feel or react?

        Nevertheless, she didn’t say NO to help. She said she will help me if she come across any interested parties. I mean she could have said NO right? What do you think?? Maybe she showed kindness. But, she did tell me that talking to me again won’t be nice. Therefore, if she finds any particular party to deal with me she will pass the info to my uncle (my uncle’s family and her’s is really close). In addition, she said I am telling this to you like a Brother. Does it mean she sees me like a bother now??

        Overall the conversation was fruitful. We did talk about many other things apart from the above mentioned. I was normal the entire time and showed no sign of pain or sorrow. I enjoyed talking. Hopefully she also did. Though at some point it felt as if she was getting emotional of hearing me after so long.

        The above mentioned doubts left me quite blur. Hopefully you will clear them out & tell me what to do next.

        Looking forward to your valuable response.


  • R.A April 2, 2015, 2:59 am

    One point I missed out. In my sms I mentioned the place where we met and had McDonald’s several times in Dubai. Let me tell you that she has no relatives in Dubai. She lives with her younger sister. One of her relatives recently shifted to Singapore. After going through my sms she thought it’s that relative. Now my question is in my sms I clearly mentioned about the place and McDonald’s. Then how come she thought it’s her relative? She must have known that it was me behind the sms. Maybe the relative part was just a lie to mask the fact that she knows.

    Later I text her in a professional way asking for her email id, so that I could attach my product catalog. I said I am simply being professional as a brother. If she wishes she can give her id to me for my attachment. And she still didn’t send.

    Hope to hear from you soon.

    Best Regards,

    • Kevin April 4, 2015, 6:25 am


      I think you are overanalysing everything. If she told you that she has a fiancé and she sees you as a brother, then you should take it at face value. After a year apart, I don’t think she has any reasons for playing games. Especially since she has not been trying to contact you or know your whereabouts. If you want, you can be honest with her about your feelings and see how she reacts. But in my opinion, you have very little chance of getting her back. You should also analyse your current relationship and figure out if that’s something you want, now that you know your chances with your ex are very very slim.

      • R.A April 4, 2015, 10:57 am


        I think you are right. Thanks for the immense support. 🙂

  • Shahbaz Bhatti March 13, 2016, 5:15 pm

    Hey Kevin!!!
    My ex and I had one year relationship and then she suddenly left without saying anything ended every mean of communication and after 6 months she contacted me and we both continue our relation. After this, for 3 months we have a mixed type of relation in which we had love moments and we had serious argues on difference of ideas on certain things. After these three months she left again by text me that “we can’t work this out. I really love you but if we get together we always hurt each other. To avoid this I don’t want this relationship and don’t want to talk about it.” It has been three months and we haven’t talked with each other, she sent me a new year’s eve message on 31 December recently. I haven’t replied her.
    I am really confused right now that if she is right for me or not I really missed her sometimes and want to text her but I know her response would be dry that will hurt me. So, should I ger her back? Is this right for me?? (because by stalking her facebook profile I have realized that she has not got any change after the breakup) or if I should get her back? So What will I do then because we haven’t talked to each other for three months

    Please help me out I really want your help…….. Reply me plz
    I want to take your advice further through e-mail. Can I?

  • D June 27, 2017, 8:57 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago. I did the no contact rule but ended up breaking it after about 20 days because he texted me needing his stuff back from my place. Ever since that text we were texting everyday for about a month. He had taken me out on a number of dates. We kissed and had relations as well. After about our 4 the date he asked me what I thought about us hanging out. I said I enjoyed it, but I couldn’t keep seeing him without some type of commitment. He stated that he liked hanging out with me but he couldn’t commit to me. He said he wanted to be selfish. I told him that I was unable to be his friend and that we should stop talking…. which I regret now. We have not been talking for about two weeks. Did I totally ruin my chances by saying I need a commitment? What advice can you give me to get him back?

    • Kevin June 28, 2017, 12:46 am

      Hey D,

      You did the right thing. You should continue no contact for another 2-3 months. If he is not ready for commitment, there is no point in continuing to see him. You can try again after 3 months to see if he is ready for commitment yet.

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