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Ex Back Permanently

Is There Ever a Good Reason To Get Your Ex Back?

Why would anyone want to get their ex back? Why would you want to take back someone who walked out on you? Why would you want to start a relationship that already ran its course? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

These are all legitimate questions that some people have about reconciliation. But not those who do want to get their ex back. They have a very simple answer to all these questions. And their answer is “I am still love my ex”. And as we all know, according to the media and the film industry, love is the only thing that matters in this world.

Now, I am not against reconciliation. In fact, this entire website is on how to win your ex back. But I am against the idea of putting your ex before your happiness. The only reason to get back together is if you want to give the relationship another try and not because you need your ex.

cupid

Cupid doesn’t always have your best interest at heart.

The fact that you love your ex, you miss your ex, or that you are miserable without your ex is never a good reason to get back together. Your mind will trick you into thinking anything just to avoid the pain of breakup. So, I won’t believe anything that your mind that tells you after the breakup.

Here are a few reasons that your mind will give you (and you will try to give to your friends and family), which are not really a good reason for reconciliation.

  • I love him/her
  • I can’t live without him/her
  • I can never find someone like him/her
  • He/She was my soulmate
  • He/She was the one
  • No one can ______ (insert some activity) like he/she used to do.
  • He/She made me happy (the most ridiculous reason. If they did make you happy, why are you so miserable now)
  • I am miserable without him/her.
  • I can’t imagine a life without him/her.

There could be many other variations of the above. You know it’s not a solid reason if you can see a desperation or neediness in it.

Now that being said, there could be many reasons for trying it again. I know a lot of cases where couples got back together and went on to live a happy life. I get emails from my readers that they got back together and are getting married in a few days. I get emails from readers that they got back together and they have never been happier. I get emails saying that they got back together two years ago and there relationship is getting stronger ever since.

Of course, those are not the only emails I get. I also get emails from readers saying that they got back together only to break up again. And if I have to guess, I’d say the reason they decide to get back together was one of the above.

And it’s not just my personal experience. There are cases all over the Internet of people getting back together and staying in a happy relationship after that. Let’s look at some reasons where it would be a good idea to get back together.

1. The breakup was a rash decision

Sometimes, people break up because of ego. Sometimes people give up on a great relationship too easily instead of working on it. These types of breakups are usually a rash decision and not really thought out. Someone says something, and his or her partner over reacts and leaves him or her.

2. You Had a Great Relationship

great relationship with exNow you have to understand I am not talking about the Honeymoon stage of the relationship. You know the time where everything about your partner seems perfect and you never fight and you just can’t get over how amazing they are.

No, that does not define a great relationship. That’s just an average relationship with an average honeymoon period. A great relationship is based on honesty, respect, trust and communication. How would you rate your relationship on these four factors? If you think it was great in all four areas, then you can go ahead and say that your relationship with your ex was great. And I sincerely wish you the best in winning your ex back.

3. You have a child together.

A divorce or a separation can be really hard on a child. If there is a chance of getting back together and giving your relationship another chance, then you should do it. It’s worth a try. However, if you were in an abusive or toxic relationship, then separation is much better than being together. Nothing is worse for a child than to grow up in a toxic environment.

4. Circumstantial Breakup

A lot of times, people breakup simply because of circumstances. Maybe one of you had to go to another city for college or business and you didn’t want to try long distance. Sometimes, you wanted to try long distance but it didn’t work so you had to break up. If such is the case, then it is worth a try to get back together provided the circumstances have changed.

5. Your Friends And Family Think It’s a Good Idea To Get Back Together

In most cases, your friends and family will tell you to just move on and forget about your ex. I wouldn’t say they are always right in doing so. However, if they tell you that you should try getting back together with your ex, then it means that the relationship with your ex is probably worth saving. Your friends know you better than anyone else and if they think that your ex is worth giving it another try, then it won’t hurt to try reconciling.

6. You see some serious potential in the relationship

relationship potentialThis one is little tricky because anyone who thinks they are in love will believe there is a potential in the relationship with their ex. But it’s worth putting here. If you think that you really can have a great future with your ex, then it might be worth trying to pursue them. However, make sure you don’t spend your entire life just obsessing over your ex and hoping they will take you back. You should just try to get back together once and if it didn’t work, you should move on. Sometimes, a false hope can keep you holding on to lost cause. And before you know it, you’ve spent your entire life chasing the white whale.

Using The No Contact Period

After you break up, it’s almost impossible to make a rational decision about whether or not you should get back with your ex. Your mind will definitely convince you somehow that it’s worth it. You will ignore all the problems you had and will only concentrate on the good things. You will make a montage of all the good things about your ex in your mind and play it over and over again until you are convinced they are the only one for you.

This is why the no contact rule is extremely important. When you stop all communication with your ex for at least 30 days, your mind starts thinking clear and you are in a better position to make a life changing decision. When you realize you don’t need your ex to be happy in your life, you can weigh the pros and cons of your relationship without being biased.

So before you make any decision, make sure you have gone through the no contact period for at least 30 days. And if after that, you still want to get back together, then you can go ahead with the rest of the plan.

 

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If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

175 comments… add one
  • Frank Mottola February 13, 2014, 8:37 pm

    Good articles here. I initiated a breakup and I am having a tough time with it. My ex is committed to seeing it through reminding me that I was the one who did it.

    We were together for about 9 months, and it was great! Then, one night I took her to an alumni event and she started saying things like, she’s a trophy, blah blah. I was shocked! From that point, I felt peace between us.

    There is no doubt I put expectations on the relationship and when her behaviors didn’t match up, I over analyzed and thought things were going south. I broke it off, as I was scared to keep falling for her.

    Anyway, I have just entered no contact, the break up was about a month ago. I am going to sit back for a bit.

    I do want her back, but she seems gone. She did agree to come see my new house when she returns from a vacation with their friends. I was going to leave her promise I alone and see of she follows up.

    Thoughts?

    • Kevin February 14, 2014, 1:13 pm

      Perhaps you are just feeling like you made a mistake because you are going through the “bargaining phase” of a breakup. Maybe if you do get her back, you’ll again feel like it’s not worth it. No contact is going to help you make a better decision. So don’t rush into reconciliation.

  • Lisa February 17, 2014, 1:23 am

    I had been with my ex for 3 years when he broke up with me last week presumably because I was angry that he went to the bar on our anniversary instead of coming straight home to me, and I overreacted. I feel like our relationship was a really good one and that we both each other’s support systems. We communicate really well, genuinely enjoy each other’s company(until last week that is), and have a lot of common interests. I already broke all the rules outlined in your other article, but it’s only been 2 days so I feel like I can come back from it, the problem is that we live together. I have my own room, but I still need to collect rent and bills from him and my other roommate, as well as use the kitchen every once in awhile. Any advice on how to initiate ‘no contact’ when living together?

    • Kevin February 17, 2014, 2:07 pm

      Don’t talk to him unless it absolutely necessary. And don’t talk about anything personal. Just talk about house stuff. Keep the conversations short. Less than 10 minutes.

  • Juliet February 17, 2014, 10:26 pm

    I have done everything possible to mess up in this break up and now he has me blocked from everything and says never again. How do you repair that? Is it possible?

    • Kevin February 19, 2014, 3:28 pm

      Start no contact for 60 days. Hopefully, he’ll unblock you after that. If he doesn’t send him a hand written letter.

  • Geoffery Ali February 21, 2014, 6:48 am

    Me and my ex had a great relationship but our breakup was rough because I was always clingy and needy never left her alone now she says she never want to be with me ever again and she only likes me as a friend and I annoyed her to the point she told me she never want to talk me for a while. What can I do to get her back?

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 7:25 pm

      Don’t talk to her for a while and stop being needy. Follow the 5 step plan.

  • Hopeless teen February 22, 2014, 8:14 pm

    Right where to begin, so i was 16 and going to an end of school year formal dance type thing, and i meet this girl with whom i have a great night with and think is amazing e.t.c and from there we start constantly talking, getting to know each other, joking around and such. It was obvious we really liked each other then it was easy to see. The only problem was she had some pretty bad views on relationships and ‘love’, i think the best way to describe her in terms of these views (without sounding too childish or petty) is that she had very similar views to Summer Finn from 500 days of summer, she thought relationships were farce and hated cliches and things and showing affection and so on.

    Regardless, after about 3 weeks of non-stop interaction i finally ask her to be in a relationship. and she said yes, but with a long speech about how she didnt like the ideas of a boyfriend or relationships and love but that i was the exception, along with that she never wanted to hear me say things like “be together forever” “never stop loving you” and to this day i haven’t. Our relationship lasted 3 months, pretty much over the period of summer, and it was a dream, i enjoyed it all and truth be told wanted to say the things she wouldn’t want to hear, but then in the final weeks it went bad as, well at the time i was very very needy and emotional and sensitive as prior to that i had never really had much experience in relationships, and she wasn’t exactly a stereotypical movie girlfriend or whatever.

    Eventually she couldn’t handle me demanding affection, proof that she liked me e.t.c and she obviously had a negative view on relationships as it was and this was over the top. After i gave a ridiculous and badly thought out ultimatum of affection showing or leave she ended it. An important thing to understand here is despite my age (16 then now 17) i really do think her to be something important to me and that my feelings were in fact genuine and not childish thoughts. So after the break up i was obviously a mess and with winter approaching i couldn’t deal with anything very well and life was terrible, also in the following 2 months i had my fair share of desperate begging and late night apologizing and “i want you back”s.

    Eventually i independently realised i needed to be happy with myself and not be independent on others for happiness, and now 4 months after the break up (after a month of no contact, which she even wasnt on my mind during) i have practically matured in the understanding of what makes me happy and consequently making changes (appearance, interests, friend choices, everyday life really) but she is always eventually on my mind again, not in a desperately missing way or i love her way, but more like a romance and companionship based nostalgia.

    I’ve decided i want her back, for reasons i cant quite explain simply, but i see a good future with her, i don’t need her, but i would like to be with her again, and i know it will work better as im definitely nowhere near as desperate as i was before and i understand myself better. She isn’t in a relationship and i talked to her properly fir the first time in a month yesterday and it went well (normally she replies very bluntly, and trust me it’s easy to sense the tone of her messages but this time she was actually engaged) it was a 4-5 hour long conversation about general things and it was comfortable and good.

    I haven’t talked to her yet since, and all i want to know from you Kevin, is whether or not in your professional opinion i should try and get her back, and if so, any advice?

    Thanks.

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 6:10 pm

      Hey,

      I think you can try to get her back since it’s not coming from a place of desperation and neediness. So, follow the plan, build attraction and then ask her again to be your girlfriend. Even if it doesn’t work out again, you really don’t have anything to lose. At least, you can rest your mind knowing it’ll never work out with her.

  • Angie Davis February 26, 2014, 5:57 am

    I was blindsided by our break up and he now has a new girlfriend after just a couple weeks. We had one small tiff and he said I was over thinking things and he was feeling freaked out. We took a break then he claimed we were just a hook up, but we weren’t.I know the difference 🙂 I feel like a lot of our breakup was just circumstantial and we weren’t in the right place to be together, but I honestly believe he is the one for me. I would love to make positive changes and win him back.

  • Alexander March 2, 2014, 5:43 pm

    If your ex broke up with you because your relationship in the beginning with her was bad, BUT eventually you started to love her more and more (from cold hearted to warm hearted), the fact that she couldnt erase the past bad things youve done, she broke up with you. Do you think i still have a chance to get back with her? i mean, ive changed to become a better person during the relationship.

    • Kevin March 3, 2014, 5:08 pm

      Yes, you do have a chance. But it depends entirely up to her if she can forget the past and look for the future.

  • nama March 3, 2014, 3:03 pm

    I tried the no contact rule for 60 days. things were really goin on well for me. He did all he could to see me and all as he was desperate to know what I was doing that is far more important than talking to him.

    right after he came to visit. It was late and he spent the night. We ended up making out and the next day things backfired and he started acting up as if I’m nothing and he started regretting what happened. dat was just last 2 weeks.
    I just realised he is still interested with the girl he was in when we were together and pursuing her.

    I’m confused. what do I do next as we are on the same college and class. do I start the whole no contact and the five steps all over again

    • Kevin March 3, 2014, 3:33 pm

      Hey,

      If you still want him back, yes you should start no contact all over again. This time, I’ll recommend you start dating as well. I know it’s a little hard, but you have to accept that he might never come back to you and eventually you might have to let him go.

  • November March 5, 2014, 6:43 pm

    From a 9yr relationship she broke up with me because she is not happy with me and not inlove. It was so devastating. The thing now is that we still live together but not sleeping together and I dont takk to her unless if I have something to ask. She sometimes act like noticing I look good etc but shen she talks to our friends she confirms that this is really the end for us but she do miss me. If I want her back how can I follow your steps if we still live together.

    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 8:15 pm

      Move out as soon as possible. Make changes in your life. Contact her again. IF you can’t move out, just make changes in your life and then start talking with her more after no contact period is over.

  • Victoria March 10, 2014, 1:20 pm

    My ex and I have been together for a little over 5 years unfortunately this is not the first time we have broken up and gotten back together seems always like a constant cycle but I always go running back when he wants. We do have a son together and currently pregnant with his second child which did not keep him from leaving me again. There was a girl from his job whom he started talking to she was aware of me and baring his second child but they continued to flirt constantly but I had access to see his text messages because when he would come home he would just delete EVERYTHING so I felt like I couldn’t trust him he has cheated before and I forgave him because I cheated before as well just that he didn’t know so I almost felt like I had to forgive. I confronted him about messages and he was upset bcuz he said I wasn’t giving him his privacy and said they were just friends but the way they spoke to each other seemed like they wanted more then just friends she constantly spoke to him about my relationship with him but because he would go running to her every time we had arguments. He promised to me that he would stop talking to her the way the way they did and keep it professional but he continued and I showed up at his job after work and found them still hanging out alone in the car not doing anything but still there. He did stop all messages with her but then started to call her every time he stepped out of the house I didn’t know what to do so yes I panicked went into needy mode and insecure mode and I feel like I pushed him more to her to begin with and so after a few days of trying to make things work he texts me and brakes up with me saying he’s no longer happy and will provide for his kids and that’s it but right after continued so hard to talk to the other letting her know he was a free man. He doesn’t admit to me that he wants her but I would see there conversation so I deleted the account that gave me access to there convo. Because I was just driving myself insane he was rushing so fast into a relationship with her I just couldn’t understand why and why while I’m pregnant with his second child. Im curious if he really has lost all respect for me and if it worth rekindling ? My family says move on he’s idiot and child and I deserve much better yes I do love him but its hard to just forgive what he has done. Seeing that we have a child together how do I do something like the no contact rule since we almost always talk everyday regarding my son ? And he seems to linger into something to where we begin to argue about us and I’m gaining strength as days pass yes I miss him but idk if its because he’s been mine for so long and the fact that he is now sharing what I loved so much about him with someone else or because he’s my kids father i feel so confused. I really want to do the co contact rule but its almost impossible to cut off contact since we have a child and I can’t date since I m pregnant what should I do ?

    • Kevin March 10, 2014, 4:48 pm

      Hey Victoria,

      First of all be prepared for the worst. I know you love him and you want him back, but there is a chance he might never come back and you have to be prepared to be a single Mom and take care of the kids by yourself. In your case, no contact will be a little tricky but the easiest way to do so will be to tell him that you need some time and space and you will appreciate it if he can give it to you. Tell him that you will keep him updates on the kids if there is something important. If he wants to see his son, make arrangements for him. Don’t ever talk to him about anything other than the kids. It’s sort of limited contact, but it still works just as well as no contact.

  • Tera Creque March 13, 2014, 3:19 am

    Hello,

    I have a question. I will make this as short as possible.

    I just left my ex again for the 3rd time. Its a 5 1/2 yr relationship. An we have a 1y/o.
    First time I left, it was after 2 1/2 yrs. 1st year was long distance. The rest we lived together. Ive known him since I was little. We dated in middle an high school. We were just too young. We lost contact. 6yrs later he found me. We were friends for a year. I had a baby he didnt. We then got serious for a year. I then moved out to Houston w/him. Uprooted my life. An BAM.. I was hit w/another man.. He was a stranger. So mean to me. Always irritated. Blamed me for everything. EVERYTHING. I was in college an working. An we’d have good days. Sometimes he’d apologize. IDK what was goin on. Very withdrawn but Yet wanted me to be there all the time. I became an alcoholic. A functioning one. I was drinking away my confusion an a whole bunch of stuff. I stayed far away. Didnt want to be in his space. After a while. I couldnt take it anymore. I left. I heard from him every so often but ignoted him. I got a letter. He apologized. Like nobodys business. Told me I didnt deserve it. Etc, etc, etc.. I then went back.
    Not even 6mos later I got pregnant. He was STILL treating me like shit. I told him an stated “we gotta do something here. We need to really get it together..” of coarse he replied “ok”… 4wks later. I left him again. He had done something just terrible. Out of pure spite. Oh it hurt. I went to see shrinks for almost a year in the mean time. Went through alot. I was pregnant an emotional. He treated me like shit the whole time. Just angry. Finally the baby was born. He never left my side. When she was 4mos old. We moved in together along w/my other daughter. This time I was so fresh an a year of counseling an womens groups. Religously!! Every week.. I just knew itd work. Uuh, no. Mr Douche got back on his ass hole box. So I asked again. Can we plsssssssss work on this. Can I help you w/ur issues. Nope, nope, nope.. He’d agree to get help to get me to shut up. I left after 5mos in this house. Lived together for another 7mos. Same bed. No sex. Yet he an I are stubborn as an ox. That bedtime was when we seem to be peaceful. So confused of everything. But no one is exchanging feelings. I feel he wont care an he never expresses his feelings. But it just felt right. Every night was nice. I loved it. But HATED how he treated me otherwise.
    I was so damn serious about this being it. I have issues too. I got help an still maintaing it. I want to be free from garbage in my soul. However, since Ive moved into my apt. I have lost my strength. Cause I know the man struggles w/his anger. I struggle too but have been wrking on it for yrs. Learn how to diffuse, breath, be rational, think outside the box.. but I for the 1st time in MONTHS.. obcessively texted.. yes the one to run him off.. lol.. how ever, ive stopped texting. I want him back if he’ll change. Just CHANGE. So after hearing most of the story.
    Ive loved him for almost 20yrs. Since I was a kid. An he says “Im not takn you back.. you keep leaving!! accept it…” Seriously!? Leaving?!?!? as if I hadnt done alllll I could do.. an he cant jus step back for a sec an look at his actions. Who wants to be called names? degraded in front the kids sometimes or just condescending remarks. But get upset when I confront him. He’s emotionally abusive. Has no clue of his actions. His words. I had no parents. He did growing up. Like, its almost like he wants that classic “Im the man, your the woman type relationship.” I mess w/the kids an cook an do all drs appts an etc. While he jus wrks an watches ball games. I mean its so boring an.old fashioned its ridiculous.
    However, Im doing the silent thing for a while. Prolly 60 days or so. Ask him out for coffee. Be respectful an ABOUT THE KIDS only in the mean time. Cause I can tell he loves the piss outta me an vice versa. But Im not going to be treated like shit an walked all over.
    Is it worth saving this? Right now he’s mad cause I left again. I gwt his frustration. Costs alot of money on both parts. The kids are torn from an vice versa. All I ask is help me help us. Im helping my own self by being in therapy. AND my alcoholism never turned into violence. I drank alone. He never drank. But I got emotionally/verbally assaulted. He needs help. But jeeez.. I love him.. feel for him an let him go.. With the kids.. we are frikn funny together an it feels right. But man.. his mouth is terrible.
    Should I try an wrk it out in the future? When I left the 1st time. I never contacted him. He did it all. The 2nd time. Ya, I did for 9mos cause he was such an ass an I was pregnant. Hormonal!! This time, Im different. Confused. Conflicted. He needs help. I was a very troubled kid/teen/young adult.. but Ive prevailed. I did it alone an not by choice. No one thought I could. He needs help.. BAD.. HELP!!

    TC

    • Kevin March 13, 2014, 1:05 pm

      Hey Tera,

      60 days is a good idea. From what you said, I don’t think you should get back together unless you get a guarantee from him that he will work on his issues and get help. In fact, you should not get back together unless he has already started going to therapy and has seen some improvement. But in the end, it’s your decision and I think you will make the right one after 60 days.

  • Lina March 13, 2014, 4:04 pm

    My ex is a very sensitive guy. He also has a great passion for playing music (he thinks he is very good at it but still looking for a lot of approval). English is my second language, so sometimes I say things about his singing like ‘yes, it is very good’…’ very nice…’, ‘this one is not too bad…’ When I said ‘this one is not too bad’ for the third time… (sorry this prase doesn’t sound bad in my language at all), he broke up with me , saying that i am mean and killing his spirit.

    Should I call and explain ? Any other suggestions?
    Appreciate your help

    • Kevin March 14, 2014, 1:35 pm

      Hey Lina,

      Yes, you should explain. But don’t force him to get back together. Just let him know what you meant, and apologize. End with something like “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or kill your spirit. I apologize if I did. I support you 100% and I just wanted to clear things with you.”

      If he doesn’t want to talk to you, just send him a message and leave it at that.

  • Sam March 15, 2014, 9:02 am

    Hi
    My partner walked out on me about three weeks ago. I came home form work to find a note. We have been having a tough time financially as I was out of work for a while. This did cause arguments but it didnt stop me loving him. The last three months I have been working flat out to get the money in to get us back on track. he then started complaining that I was always tired and didnt spend enough time talking or cuddling him. I kept saying that by the end of feb we would be back on track and I can pull back on the over time. He has walked out on me fair few times before but always has come back after a week. This time he has found somewhere else to live. I have tried to talk to him rationally about things but he just shouts and screams at me and says he doesnt love me any more. He isnt the same man I met. I love him so much and I know he has his problems. I have had mine but I am currently getting counseling for them.
    Should i just walk away?

    • Kevin March 17, 2014, 10:27 am

      Start no contact. Try to get him back using the advise in this article. If it still doesn’t work, move on.

  • Dan March 17, 2014, 10:48 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I’ve been reading your stuff and it’s all very inspirational. Thank you for all your words of wisdom. I’ll try to keep it short, and try to follow your advice.

    My Ex GF broke up with me after 14 months of dating. She’s 24 and I’m 28. We were together for 5 months in the beginning, until I had to move across the country for a solid job. We decided to keep things going being happy and madly in love. I was able to fly back and visit her on a regular monthly basis anywhere from 1 week, to 2-3 weeks at a time during the holiday months at a time. Over time, the distance took a toll on her. Eventually I could see she heart was less in it. Finally after my last visit during Valentine’s week, she decided to break up with me. I asked would things be different if I relocated back home? She said she’s sure about her decision and needs her space, and she didn’t feel in love with me like she used to. Sadly I didn’t come across your page until now. After only 1 1/2 weeks later of no contact, I emailed her to let her know my company was in full support of me moving back and I would keep my job. I asked if we could talk about it, we did, and she said it doesn’t change how she feels. She wants to be single, and doesn’t want to get back with me. She’s happy I’ll be home with my friends and family, but doesn’t see us getting back together. I made the mistakes, I smothered her, and begged her to take me back, and obviously she didn’t budge and probably was pushed away even further. I’ll be moved back at the end of this month, which by that time will be 2 weeks since we last spoke. I realize I was desperate, and as much as I want to reach out to her when I’m back, I should probably give it the full 30 days, or however long I need to feel confident, and independently happy, correct? How long should I wait? Do you think I’m making the right choice by wanting to get back with her? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for all your help.

    • Kevin March 18, 2014, 1:27 pm

      You are absolutely correct about waiting as long as you need to feel confident and independently happy. It’s hard for me to say whether or not you are making the right decision because I don’t know much about you and her. I think it’s definitely worth giving a shot. I think you will realize if it’s the right choice yourself during the no contact period.

  • Maya March 18, 2014, 2:58 pm

    My break up was circumstantial. What happened was we met at work and dated for 4 months. It was way too fun we made each other laugh, sex was intense, good convo very at ease with each other. Ppl said we were perfect for each other all the time because we really are very similar in personality. I knew he was leaving to an immense new city in a nearby country. It’s a one yr job with no possibility to stay longer. He had worked for years, put in sweat and blood (literally-he’s a chef) to prove himself to obtain this job.

    He asked me what I was doing for the summer but I brushed it off and made up fake plans bcuz I felt it would be crazy to say “nothing -can I come visit with u or move there for the summer with u” only after a few mnths. But I did get really attached and showed it in other ways and that’s when he cut it off because he “never wanted anything serious long distance” with me. This was a month before his departure. I asked if it would work if I could come visit him and he said no.
    Msg received. It’s over.

    I’ve been using no contact which was so helpful even though I broke it twice, once to ask if he wanted to hook up and once more asking to hang out before he left to the new city, I got “I’m really busy but maybe” back both times.
    I feel like he’s just going to meet someone new and amazing and forget all about me.

    I keep thinking what if I got a work visa and found a job for the summer after university ends for me- in his new city. would he consider trying again? I’m guessing this is a very bad idea as I would be inviting myself and this might look crazy to chase him. Should I just move on for now enjoy my summer and contact him near the end of it?

    • Kevin March 20, 2014, 10:33 am

      I don’t think moving there is a good idea, unless it’s good for your career. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for heartbreak. Imagine how you’d feel if you moved all the way over there for him and he still rejects you. A better idea will be to enjoy your life while he is there and contact him once he returns. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

  • Alex March 21, 2014, 4:30 am

    Hi there, you’ve got a great website in here, I kinda read through your steps already. And this is my case, I fell in love with my gf and I’ve waited for 5 years to make sure everything’s right until I proposed to her, everything went good, we’ve been together for nearly two years, everyday having sweet times together and we seldom quarrel because we don’t like quarreling, if we’ve got any problem we’ll just sit down and settle it immediately, until few months ago, she was texting with a guy in the same class as her, I thought it was just friends chat and didn’t really pay much attention to it as I wanted to give her freedom to make friends. Then suddenly it came to this day when she suddenly proposed that we should be friends, she said she likes this guy and she likes me too, but she has lost her feelings on me, most of her friends supported me even her mother like me better than the new guy, they think we should be together instead of her be with the other guy there. I’ve begged her many times and she insist that we should just be friends, she doesn’t even wanna give me a chance to try again, she said that the chance of both of us getting together is quite small, everytime I asked about her and that guy, she’ll just ignore my question, when I asked will she choose that guy over me, she’ll just ignore me, now we’ve stopped texting, what should I do? I really love her very much and she said she did and now even after we broke up, she also would like to hear about me and to know how am I doing lately, she said she still cares about me but it’s just the feeling is not there. I really want her back, should I just let her go try the other guy there? What should I do now?

    • Kevin March 23, 2014, 1:48 pm

      Apply no contact for a while and then contact her.

      • edward May 14, 2014, 4:20 am

        My case is similar Kevin. What do i expect after the no contact period? How do i approach it?

        • Ana September 27, 2014, 1:16 pm

          Mines too is really similar but he wants to be single for now..but after the 30 or 60 days no contact how could i introduce the subject subtly that we could maybe get back together because i know he still has something for me but not that strong anymore?

  • Carrie March 21, 2014, 8:55 am

    Hi Kevin!
    My boyfriend of 1 year and 9 months and I just broke up last week. I had always had trust problems from previous boyfriends that carried over into our relationship. I made him cut out all of his friends and girl friends and not go to parties or go out anywhere. He knew I had trust problems and wanted to help me learn to trust him so he did all of these things for me. However, I kept making him cut out things in his life because I felt that the more I asked him to do for me and if he would do it for me, the more control I had and the more I knew I could trust him. We began to fight every week about my controlling issues. I would find something I didn’t like that he did and yell at him until he changed it. He broke up with me because he couldn’t handle it anymore and I understand why he did and I feel horrible about it. I have been trying to take my mistakes and grow from them and give him the space he needs. I want him to be able to have friends of all gender and do what he wants without feeling like I am holding him back. I do miss him obviously but I feel that the 30 day period will bring me clarity and help a lot. I understand what I did wrong and would never do that to anyone again. However, I need opinions if this would be worth another shot or if it seems like a break up that just needs breathing space instead of full on ending it.

    • Kevin March 23, 2014, 12:39 pm

      I think it’s worth another shot if you actually work on your issues during the 30 days. All the best.

    • Denise September 2, 2015, 5:07 pm

      Same situation i had why my boyfriend broke up with me.

  • Jodie March 23, 2014, 4:45 pm

    Hi
    My bf of 2 years left me 5 days ago. We’ve hardly argued but when we did it was mainly because of his mates not liking me. I have always made an effort with them but they found me too positive so they chose not to accept me in their circle. Last straw was that i saw my ex’s best mate wrote a very nasty text talking about me. My ex did say i’m not like that but it still hurt me that his mates are being like that.
    Anyway i had a tough time with family issues whilst away on holiday for the weekend and my ex text me that he’ll be there for me and promised me all this wonderful things for our future. but after the crisis i had with my family i also mentioned that i had enough of people belittling me incl his mate. To my shock he said he couldnt be with a girl who doesnt get on with his mates and started saying we are very different with our view esp on this topic. he packed his stuff that eve and by morning he was gone.. 2 days later he came to collect rest of his stuff..
    I want to apply the no contact but it’s hard as we’re due to go on a group holiday in 2 weeks so he has contacted me since wanting to know plans for the holiday.
    i still want to go purely because it was a very expensive holiday.. i communicated back with him that out of respect i think it’s fair if he changes his flight and in return i can sort out moving him into a different hotel.. at first he was ok and now he’s asking if it’s necessary which i said yes it for the best.. he replied back if that’s the way it has to be he is fine with that.. deep down i am hurting that he sounds so cool about it all.. and yet i just want him to say sorry and work things out.. my friends reckon he will regret what he has done, i really do love him but i refuse to beg him to come back or even communicate with him.. i want him to miss me.. do you think there’s any chance between us?

    • Kevin March 24, 2014, 9:16 am

      Hey Jodie,

      You do have a chance, but you should understand that even if he does come back, you will always have this issue regarding his friends. And trust me, it’s an important issue. It will always be in the back of his mind and he will never be 100% committed to you unless his friends approve of you or he changes his friends. Can you live with him for the rest of your life knowing his friends are always talking behind your back? Will he be willing to leave all his friends just so he can have a healthy and happy relationship with you?

  • Aniko March 24, 2014, 2:31 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My situation is a bit different from the other stories i read in the comments, unfortunately that’s why I can’t even talk about it with my friends, because a lot of them don’t get it, they take my boyfriend as a normal guy.
    So, my boyfriend since his childhood is hypochondriac, and he was diagnosed with anxiety, and maybe If i’m right, he takes antidepressant since 2 years.
    He only warned me about this fact, – that he takes these pills – when we were going out for 1-2 months. But he said, that he has control over himself, and he’s about tapering off! Slowly the act of the first few dates, i recognized, that he isn’t that strong guy he wants to look like. In fact.. he cried a lot, really a lot, and was extra-sensitive sometimes.
    In our relationship a special point is that we got fallen in love with each other after nearly breaking up for 3-4 times! These hard moments made us believe, we want the other one for good! In most cases i was the one who initiated the ‘we should keep on’-idea, and he was always glad to hear it from me, firstly he always acted like strong and unconvincable, but then cried of the relief, that we are keeping on. But it was always my mistake, at that time i couldn’t really trust him, and i showed him my true feelings only at the breakups. Then our relationship flourished, we were extremely happy with each other. He did everything to me every day he proved his love for me, i did it too.
    So we were going out for 15 months , and since one and a half week, we are finally over.
    Why? We two had hard times in our lives. In september, I’ve taken up a new 2-year-course while my university (i’m a student, 21 ; he’s 27, and working) ; and he’s also started one (but lasted for 2 months) while his work. Slowly we totally left our friends, and became best friends with each other. As December came by, i sometimes felt really bad about missing my friends, i often felt lonely while being at my boyfriend’s place. I nearly lived with him, he often begged me to move to him, but i did not want to because of my school. So he turned to be very sensitive and convinced, that i don’t love him anymore, and i don’t feel myself good with him. But it was only a winter-depression, a huge amount of stress i’ve had. And he thought that he’s not good enough. And as January came by, he got sick – and when he gets sick, he gets really anxious. He did not care about his antidepressants, and his other medications. And one weekend he increased his dose of antidepressant without asking his doctor ! At that time i did not know what i know now, that antidepressanst often have an influence on relationships. Whoever takes it can fall out of love in a day.
    And that’s exactly what has happened 🙁 From day 1 to day 2, at first he proved he never want to let me go, he loves me the best in this world. Then next day he drives to me, and says he never loved me, he just acted like that, he does not want this relationship. Nobody, even his mother did not get it why did he say these things. (He lives in the same panel house with his mother, but not in the same flat, so she knew things). And what was strange, that when i spoke to him, i convinced him, that it is not true what he says! I told him we should keep on, and that i will help him in his hardships. And since January for 3 months that game was happening all the time. For a week we were fine, and WHENEVER i wasn’t smiling he came again with the sentence ‘Nono we should break up, i am not i love’.
    When he was normal, he often said to me, that i should slap him in the face when he turns crazy and say illogical things. No, i did not do that. I always said nice things to convince him from the past and for the future what would happen if we keep on.
    But it was humiliating for me. That he never really fought for me. And after a time, i got tired. When i got tired in the first few times, he begged me to keep on, because he needs me, he does not want to lose me ! but as February came by, whenever he saw me being tired, he always offered the wonderful idea of breaking up .
    On the 8th of march he turned crazy again because of me saying ‘you are so silent, why?’. We were planning a holiday week, and even our summer holiday. And he again said HE’S NOT IN LOVE, what should he say? He said even when he was looking like he’s in love, he was NOT! WHY DON’T I GET IT. And the next moment he brought me home, and aked for my keys. I didn’t want to convince him anymore. I left him without a word. He said he goes home to collect my things. After only ONE HOUR he called me on phone, and cried, that he can’t collect my things, he doesn’t want to leave me, he misses me, this relationship is the most precious in his life, we should meet up now. I said it’s not a good idea, so he offered a 2-week break. He even admitted that his antidepressants might be a reason for his bad months. Only a week was over the break, he called me cheerfully and said, that he’s fine (without me), so he collected my things and will get to me in 20 mins……………..
    When i came to the door while crying so loudly i saw that his face was red too of crying.
    He even wanted to hug me, but i ignored it. He said he’s sorry for the painful things he did, he wants to keep the contact if we both have moved on………
    NOT A WORD about ‘sorry i want to cure myself before the reconciliation’..
    I didn’t beg, didn’t say a word.. And since that day i followed the no contact rule, yesterday was an exception.
    He has never been that active on facebook.. he deleted ALL the pics of us (100 photos at least), he even went to his facebook wall and deleted everything what was connected to me.. he liked photos of girls he knows i was jeleous about, he posted a lot of blog posts, wanted to show me, show everyone, that he’s fine, and he is the most released person in the world. Nobody got this. Because nobody knew about his depression, only me and his mother.. He talks to noone about his feelings. I know he’s now having a psycho therapy – it was my suggestion during February..
    I didn’t do anything on my facebook. I disappeared for him for a week. We have NEVER spent a day without getting in contact with each other! So it was extra hard for me not getting in any contact. But i knew that he will feel terrible about letting me go. I knew he made himself believe that i was the reason for his illness, and he has to experience life without me.. And then i finally got a facebook message YESTERDAY. after only a week !
    The message however was not that positive. It was about feeling sorry about NOT GETTING IN CONTACT WITH ME, and DELETING of our pics, he had to do it because he felt awful when he looked at them… (Which is hilarious due to i did not show him any sadness about it) He wrote that he is totally sorry for causing me a lot of pain, it hurts him a lot. And that we should talk soon, as he wants to be friends, but not now, because it would harm the wounds…………. Also he said he knows my friends will take care of me, and admitted (again, like we had a conversation before…) that we had wonderful times together (then why did he break???).
    He also wrote that he WANTED TO HAVE A BETTER CLOSURE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP, but circumstances made it impossible…….. (like he was thinking of the closure for months, like he was never begging to keep on when i got tired of him…)
    Also he wrote, that if i want to talk, he’s absolutely fine with it, if it HELPS ME (to forget him? haha), so i should contact him, if i want to talk, because it’s a minimum after me helping him a lot……
    He also complained me how a strong woman i am, and how few people are there with such an ambition i have………….
    I freaked out. At first i thought it’s a sign for a REAL closure. But when i showed it to my mom, she bursted into loud laugh. She said HE IS TOTALLY MANIPULATING ME.
    He got used to me begging for keeping things on, but now i disappeared and he can’t get it.
    But he is not that brave to write ‘i miss you’, instead, he writes awfully hurtful things to freak me out, to get the phone to my hands and call him to meet.
    After an hour, i answered him only ‘thank you, have good evening you too’. I bet he was shocked when he got that answer 🙂
    What do you think Kevin, was my mom true? Is he really manipulating me?
    I am continuing the NC, and hope to have him saying ‘i want you back ‘.

    • Kevin March 26, 2014, 12:11 pm

      Yes, your Mom was right. Continue no contact. Let him have his therapy and hopefully realize what he is missing in his life. I am pretty sure he will contact you again. He is not over you and I don’t think he will be able to get over you any time soon. Although, you should think whether or not he is a good option for you. If he continues threatening break up even after you two get back together, it will not be worth it. Do you really think he has potential of being a good life long partner? What changes do you think he will need to make to become a good life long partner? Do you think he is capable of making those changes?

      • Aniko March 28, 2014, 3:26 pm

        If only you and my mom were right.
        Today my sister found him on EVERY dating site! ONLY 2 weeks after our break up, he’s searching for new girls? I just can’t believe it, it’s totally not him ! it’s like UFOS have taken my boyfriend…

        • Aniko April 4, 2014, 9:13 am

          Pls Kevin help me, i just can’t figure out why he is doing this to me.
          He registered on another dating site, and there was an option if someone wanted to email friends that they should register there too. And he checked it ! So i got an email from him, that he’s on the dating site… I just can’t believe he would do this without purpose… Yesterday it was his nameday (hungarian tradition), so i broke nc for only to write him “happy nameday” on facebook.
          He wrote me back “Thank you :)”, but that’s it. NO “how are you”-s or anything.. it’s 4 weeks now that he doesn’t know anything about me.
          But what hurts the most, that he kept some pictures on facebook, connected to me, such as a really cute cat he drew for my birthday. And it was still there yesterday. But today i saw he deleted it. So he is still in the deleting mode, and i don’t know why! I don’t want to look obsessed, but i saw today he liked a pic with the sentence “If you love her/him, you let ger/him go. If she/he loves you, she/he will come back.”
          HE never likes quotes like that, but now he did. And i don’t know what should that mean. Because if he wants me to make a step towards him again – as he got used to -, why did he delete the cute cat today? 🙁

          • Kevin April 4, 2014, 12:21 pm

            You are overthinking everything. Stop obsessing over his facebook action. Trying to figure out why he does something is only going to drive you crazy.

          • Aniko April 14, 2014, 3:11 pm

            Oo Kevin, pls help me. What i built up in the past month it crashed now in a minute. Yes, i was overthinking everything. But i started feeling stronger in the past weeks.. I forgot to tell that i had a friend request by a fake facebook which i didn’t accept, and in the past days i saw it is now deleted. And also he continued to post how happy he is all the time…But these just made me more stronger.
            In the last message i wrote that i initiated contact after 2,5 weeks because of his nameday, he thanked, and that’s it.
            I waited 1 week, i initiated contact again. I wrote a nice message what beautiful places i saw, he should go there and make some photos. This was the first time that he asked me, how i am!
            And i wrote what i was feeling at that moment. I was calm and happy to write him.
            He wrote hooow happy he is that i’m happy and fine! – it seemed to me he wasn’t really happy about that. He excepted me to beg him and cry on the phone… But it was positive!
            Everything was fine. I felt better in the past week, i planned to make some more contact in the next weeks and then call him to meet up.
            BUT a huge mistake i made in the past: a few days after the break up, and it made impossible to implement my plan. I wrote our common friends twice, when i panicked and felt terrible. How fool i was i believed that they keep their promise to not tell him i wrote them. And they met up yesterday.. and they told everything ! EXCEPT the last message we had, in which i told them i am feeling better…..
            So i initiated a contact today, another friendly not pushy message. And my ex wrote an immensely hurtful response. That we shouldn’t keep contact, he heard how messed up i am, and i am stalking his facebook ! So he thinks the best is that he will block some stuff from me, he doesn’t want to hurt me… He wrote again he would be happy to be friends in the future if we both moved on, but “there is a chance this will happen and of course maybe won’t happen”. (i can’t get what was that meaning) YOU SEE? He acts like i was never a thing in his life! Like he is not having any feelings towards me. However i started to feel myself better and stronger, and that was my facebook telling too !!!!
            So i wrote him that i am sorry for making the mistake IN THE PAST for telling about my pain to our common friends. And that if it’s true what he wants, then be it. If he wants to talk, he can contact me..

            He wrote me immediately. Again, assuming i am lying about my betterfeeling! “Ooo don’t be sorry, i am not mad at you, it’s totally obvious that you ARE feeling terrible about the break up. I am happy you see that way, you will see it will be easier for you too! So have a good time in your life until we speak again!”

            Am i crazy when i see again only manipulative words? Is anybody able to NOT HAVING any feelings for a partner whom with they slept all night, and with they spoke to all day and night?
            I didn’t beg him, didn’t cry, but i get those humiliating words what those people get who can’t be calm in the situation….

          • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:49 am

            Hey Aniko,

            He does have feelings for you as well. In his mind, he is just trying to help you move on by saying these things. He cares about you and he thinks you are hurt and this is his way of helping you with the hurt. Yes, what he is saying is manipulative to an extent.

            You should start no contact again and this time keep it for two months before contacting him again.

  • Girl March 25, 2014, 3:23 pm

    We met as broken people and all we did was fight cuz I pointed out everything he did wrong ( I was scared cuz I felt he reminded me of my ex and he was still hung up on his) and he said I was a nag, till one day I woke up and felt nothing for him after great sex, but decided to just hang in there. Not sure what he felt that morning but he started pulling away, so I left him, till I contacted him one day and he said he was on a date. I completely lost all control and sanity and it was an entire weekend of fighting via text messages cuz he wouldn’t talk to me over the phone, hurt even more cuz the ex I was broken from got married that weekend. He finally called when the weekend was over but by then I was over it and didn’t pick up or read his last text message.

    I chucked it all to bad timing, didn’t contact him for 3-4months and I found out he was in a new relationship, made the mistake of sleeping with him and he even trying to settle for sex, (I know pathetic and unlike me but I felt desperate like I had lost him and I just hit 30, was horny and I don’t know how to sleep around), which he shut down and said he was seeing her seriously. I wished him well and moved on. 2 weeks later he shows up at an event I’m hosting with his brother who tries to convince me his brother is a good guy and I am his “type of girl”, he (the guy himself) shows no consistent/serious pursuit or interest afterwards so I just left him alone. He sent messages now n then and I had a few hiccups with him when I got irritated, but I finally let go and he started chasing and was consistent, showed lots of PDA and respect when we hung out for a month so I let him back in (we have sex) and he stays in touch but withdraws a little.

    At this point we are better communicators and have matured, he has left the other girl, so I’m patient about meeting him in person to tell him how I feel, which takes a month. I go out of town and come back after he schedules a date that coincides with my trip and I cancel and cannot make it, mind you, he cancelled when I first scheduled it. Long story short, he calls me up for a business thing he thinks I will be interested in, I turn down being part of it, but offer to help if he needs help, he asks for my help when the day comes, which is really just my company at the event, we have a great time and talk as friends and I even get a chance to tell him I didn’t like his actions when he came back and how I felt betrayed he apologized and we moved on. During convo I find out his ex-fiancée that broke him wants him back. She was not willing to convince his family to like her or visit our country to see if she likes it and could live there, but she suddenly wants to come now and try, maybe cuz he stopped talking to her and started dating the other girl (rebound girl) for a while. I think she got jealous and this revelation comes at a point when I see great changes and maturity in both of us as we have healed from brokenness and I want us to give it a go as whole people. He says he is thinking about letting her come and visit. I am not thrilled but I believe they need to resolve whatever unfinished business they have, but not to wish anyone bad, I do not think it will work and I think old issues will creep up, I don’t see her living here as they can’t survive on love fantasies alone, not my business.

    What is my business however is that I care about this man and I see us growing a great deal together as people and helping each other reach our full potential as people. Changes in our behaviors and interaction since last year have been amazing. I felt very close to him that day, like a friend and confidant and someone he could depend on (I stopped coveting the girlfriend title and just relaxed). However, I do not want to be friend zoned, I’m too beautiful n great for that (not joking), never been friend zoned.

    So I’m thinking apply no contact and allow him figure it out with her and hopefully allow him think about the possibilities of making it work with me. It’s not do or die, when I love someone I always wish them well, even if it is not with me (something I think is a bad thing, cuz I heard girls fight n go crazy n it works). Do you think we have a chance if I let him go? I’m definitely letting go for a while, but I can’t give up, because of the amazing changes I’ve seen and how we have been so courteous and helpful to each other this year. Last year he wouldn’t let me in and I would completely lose it, this year, he lets me in and I also understand that it is healthier to be patient and think before I speak or act. Are the 5 steps for me too?

    • Kevin March 26, 2014, 3:03 am

      Yes, I believe 5 steps can help you. You already have a great attitude towards life and you’ve come a long way after your breakup. And yes, I do think you have a pretty good chance, even if you let him go. But I hope you understand there is also a chance that he might work it out with his ex (even though, in my opinion it’s very less).

      • T March 26, 2014, 9:15 am

        Thanks. It’s so hard. The rebound girl is even still in the mix, he says she’s hounding him. They’re both working hard at getting him back it seems. I’m still mad he even dated the other girl at all. Decided not to be the 3rd “desperado”, so I’m bowing out for a bit. I pray he comes back and stays. Not fair that guys find partners so easily and move on so easily, takes me years to meet a guy I’m really into then a thing like this happens, right after one heartbreak. Holding on to faith not to give up. Looking forward to my vacation, I need it. My dream is that he let’s them both go and joins me on my vacay. 🙂 For now I’ll just get bikini ready and work on self and business.

        What you are doing here is a great and empowering thing. Thank you.

  • Shahid March 26, 2014, 1:27 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I’ve been into a 4 years long relationship. We both are 21. She broke up with me one month ago.

    We belong to different religions but the magnitude of love was (and hopefully is) so much that we decided to marry each other and even gathered funds for the same. She gave all her funds to me with all her trust.

    I want to patch up again coz I hope we can work it out this time me being more mature and understanding. But I want to return the funds as my instincts says that I should do this even if we patch up. It compromise my self respect now. So I told her to return the same but she said she wouldn’t meet me again once I return the amount.

    I’m confused whether to follow the no contact rule before returning the same or after that or what to do.

    Moreover, She got a birthday coming next month . She made my birthday the most memorable and made it look like a festival with all my friends. I wished to do something special. (Making a birthday video as we can’t meet).

    I’m really confused about whether to do it or not. If yes, then what’s the proper way of doing it. Please help!

    • Kevin March 26, 2014, 2:21 pm

      Don’t do the birthday thing. As for returning the funds, it’s your call. Just because she says she doesn’t want to meet you again after that doesn’t mean she will not change her mind after no contact.

  • KT March 26, 2014, 7:06 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My boyfriend of 8 incredible months just broke up with me kind of out of the blue. Granted we were doing long distance, but we had the most incredible connection and were madly in love. Him so I think more than me. He had been in a relationship for 6.5 years over 2 years ago, and him and all of his friends and family when I met them, said they had never seen him as happy and as in love with anyone, as he was with me. Same with my friends, they told me they have never met two people who were so happy together. I got the incredible opportunity to go and spend 5 weeks with my company where he lives in London, and we had the best time. Spent every moment together, and got along so incredibly. He even talked with my parents on the phone on Valentines Day, and said he couldn’t wait to see them this summer. He told me when I was leaving that it just reaffirmed everything he thought, but made him realize he needed to get his stuff together for me. He even had me trying on rings, and practiced proposing. When I left it was extremely hard for the both of us. My company is working on relocating me out there by the end of this year, but financially its not going well for him, and i know he can’t really spend money right now. I offered to fly and see him, but he wouldn’t allow it. Its been 4 weeks since I’ve been out there, and he all of a sudden started pulling away and told me something happened the day after I left and he doesn’t know what it was. He tried figuring it out and couldn’t. He still loved me and cared for me, and was still was sexually attracted to me, but he said he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t even list a reason, he just kept saying he didn’t know, and said he can’t do the distance. Even though after at the beginning of the conversation, he said he wasn’t ready to break up with me. I’m extremely confused and have a trip already booked to see him in May. He tried contacting me two days after he broke up with me as I gave him an ultimatum that he broke it off I wouldn’t speak to him again. He was checking in on me, and I ignored him and he got mad. I wrote him back today and was arguing with him, something of which we never even did, and told him I needed space, as he was getting defensive. Do you have any advice? Do you think there’s still hope for this?

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 12:44 pm

      Yeah, there is still hope. Tell him that you think he needs some space and time to figure out what he wants. Tell him that it’s best if both of you don’t talk for a month. Contact him after a month and see where he is at.

  • Monica March 26, 2014, 8:41 pm

    I am 49 years old and I was in a relationship for almost four years. My ex boyfriend left me because I get upset with him about things that many times didn’t make sense to argue about. He is 51 years old and doesn’t like to argue about anything. I treated him bad several times. I regret each one of them and apologized from the bottom of my heart because it hurt me hurting him. I regret every time I did it. The first time he told me that he need it a separation to think things out and after a month I called him and we got back together. Then when I fell in the same behavior he just stopped calling me and then I called him and we got back together. Then we decided to go to a therapist for almost 6 to eight months. I improved my behavior and I told him that we should work in our relationship in our own because I felt that we were relying too much in the therapist and that we had to have someone as a mediator to have a good relationship. He agrees and after some time I was acting in the same way. Last September a got mad about him not finding an address while we were going to another state, he felt offended and didn’t want to talk to me again. As usual I asked him to forgive me and he told me that he needed it think things out. I told him that I’ll respect whatever he’ll decide, that I didn’t know why I acted that way, however he told me that he was going to call me. I didn’t contact him hoping he will do it, but he never did it.
    After six months I contacted him by phone and asked him why he never called me as he told me before and said that he was thinking about everything and that he will called me the next day, but he never did it. He didn’t called me…. until two weeks later because I had a clog in the kitchen sink and I asked him what to do, he just told me to remove the water, but didn’t offer to come to help me. Then I asked him why he didn’t called me as he told me last time we spoke and he said that he thought I said I was going to called him, however he said that he will call me the next day which he did. That day we talked about what was going on in our lives and he asked me why I acted the way acted before and I told him that I didn’t know, that all this time I been working to improve in those areas that I was wrong. Then he told me that he was going on vacation for two weeks. He call me the day before he went on vacation and when he came back didn’t called me. I decided to call him after two weeks to see what was going on, but he never picked up the phone. Last week I saw him in the train station and I waved at him and I asked him to come to meet me. He came and I asked him why he didn’t called me when he got back from his vacation and he told me that he was thinking things out. Then I told him that I have change and that I didn’t want to be in relationship doing more harm than good. He told me that he was going to think about. However, this week he came to tell me that he was talking with a person that he used to like and that she was telling him that before they start dating she wanted to talk with me and him to find out why we ended our relationship. I told him that I was not going to do that and that I never asked his ex wife why she got divorce from him. I felt hurt because that mean that when he was taking breaks in the relationship he was talking to her which for me is very dishonest. He told me that he was friend with this woman for a long time and that he is 51 and that he wants to get married that time is passing and wants to get married. He told me that he thought that I have a boyfriend already. Then he started to tell me all the bad moments he had with me that everything was bad in the relationship and why I acted the way I acted with him when he only did good things for me and that I probably never loved him and I told him that I love him and that I have changed. Nevertheless he told me that a person never changes and that his boss told him that a person only changes a little. That the person changes only until they get married and after that they go back to what they are. I told him that I want to get married to be happy not to live a miserable life. He said that we have tried many times and that we even went to therapy and I decided to stop it. He also mentioned that he wanted to go to the psychologist we used to go. I asked him if I could go with him and said,no. I mentioned to him that I went to see the psychologist last week that if he wanted I could make the appointment for him and said, no.
    I been very sad these days, but that is not the reason I want him back in my life, it is because in this lasts months I’ve had been more mindful about my temper and I feel that if we try one more time things can work much better. I know that I love him, and I don’t know if we could have one last opportunity to try. I hope you can help me with your advice.
    Thanks in advance for helping me and help others.

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 12:27 pm

      Hey Monica,

      I think the best thing for you to do is to approach him from a different angle. Don’t talk about getting back together, just meet him as a friend and have fun with him. Instead of telling him you’ve changed, show him that. And the only way you can show him that is by spending time with him. And the only way you can spend time with his is as a friend. The thoughts of getting back with you will start popping up in his head when he sees you’ve changed. And don’t ever ask him why he didn’t call. It makes you look needy.

      • Monica March 29, 2014, 4:32 pm

        Hi Kevin, thanks for your suggestions, but I don’t think this can be possible because he is probably already dating the woman I mentioned before in the first email I sent you. Last Friday I went to the psychologist and she told me that he went to see her. I asked her if he is going to get married and she told me that she can’t tell me anything he tells her to me and vice-verse. I apologize for asking her that and also I told her that I understand that she is doing the right thing. However, she told me that she was going to tell him that I am also meeting her. I wonder why he is seeing the doctor again.
        I don’t know what to do because if he told me that he wanted that I talk with the woman he is about to date that mean that he doesn’t have any feelings for me and I don’t see the way to keep him as a friend if he doesn’t talk to me anymore.
        What else can I do then?
        Thanks again for answering my previous email. I appreciate it very much.
        Monica

        • Kevin March 31, 2014, 10:47 am

          Let him date the other woman. It doesn’t matter. You can still approach him as a friend and start spending time with him. If you don’t contact him for a while and then message him, then he will start talking to you again as mentioned in the 5 step plan.

          • Monica March 31, 2014, 1:02 pm

            Hi Kevin, thanks for your suggestions. I’ll try that.

          • Monica April 13, 2014, 7:19 pm

            Hi Kevin, I called him and he told me that I needed to talk to him and he told me “what do you need to talk about?” I told him about something that I have in my chest . He told me to call him in an hour and I asked him to do it in person but he say no. In any case I told him to give me another chance and no to commit with that girl until we try one more time, but he told me that I was not ready to get marry and never will that we have to go separate ways and that the therapist was going to talk with me. When I went to see the therapist she told me that he didn’t want to talk with me because he is fine where he is now that if he sees me is to give me closure. The therapist words were like stabs in my heart. I lost him and I feel empty inside an so hurt and broken hearted. I love him with all my heart. Please tell me what else I can do. I need your help this is so hard. How can I recover his love when everything seems to be hopeless. And he is probably organizing his wedding.

          • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:45 pm

            Hey Monica,

            I am sorry this happened. At this time, I’ll recommend that you concentrate on moving on. I know you probably don’t want to hear this from me and you are expecting me to tell you that there is a chance and you should try more. But I can’t say that. If you want, you can wait another one month and try contacting him again, but I think your chances are very less and it’s not worth spending more time pursuing him. I am sure if you accept the breakup and start concentrating on making yourself happy, you will eventually get over him and feel better.

  • Hafeni March 27, 2014, 2:42 am

    hi Kevin my girlfriend am i have been together for two years. the first year we did spend together, but the second i moved to go pursue my dream of becoming a pilot. we have been together in the long distance for about 10 months, and now i only have 4 months to go and i will be done. but she broke up with me, a week ago. i do not know the reason of her doing that, but i know that there is still something between us, the long distance just became to hard to handle. i really need advice on how to win her heart back if i can.

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 11:30 am

      Apply no contact for another 2-3 months. Contact her before going back. when you go back, meet her.

  • Michelle March 27, 2014, 3:31 am

    I’m really not one for relationships. I pretty much stay away from them because I feel that’s going to protect me from getting hurt. However, a couple of years ago, after two serious relationships, I met someone who I really “clicked” with. I got all the symptoms of a girl who was crushing. After a few dates, I slept with him. It was probably the worst, and most awkward, experience I went through, but we still kept seeing each other. I was over the moon because he was just what I needed. He was funny, good looking, confident, great taste in music, spoiled me with affection (and sometimes material things), my friends and family loved him, and even opened the door for me wherever we were like a true gentleman. A month or so in, he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I obviously accepted. But in a blink of an eye, he turned into the complete opposite of what he had shown me. I tried reasoning it by telling myself it was all in my head, but I wasn’t the only one who noticed it. We still had good times but most of the time he was accusing me of something ridiculous so we’d end up in an argument. Finally, I gave him an ultimatum; either he changes his ways, or we break up. He didn’t want to change. I asked him, “why did you even ask me to be your girlfriend to begin with?” And his response was, “I don’t know.” So, I did the deed. We tried being friends but the attraction was too strong and we just kept messing around. So, typical girl me, assumed this was him trying to get back with me. After a year of fooling around, on and off, he told me he loved me. I responded the same, and I was absolutely thrilled. Then, he stopped texting me. My stalker self found out he was sleeping around with someone else (unsure if it was when we were sleeping around still, or after). A month or so later, contacted me again. We spent a night of passion together, and again, disappeared for a week. When i confronted him about it, he made it seem so petty and made me feel used. Two months after that, I contacted him, strictly out of desperation for a ride. He ended up “kidnappings” me and after hours of him spilling his guts out, I gave in to him again. We were going amazingly solid for about a month. No arguments, no problems, no complaints. He kept asking me how I felt about him and I assured him I loved him. He ended up going through some financial hardship for losing his job and I gladly assisted. I loved the guy so I wanted to help. Around this time, I also told him that i would be moving out of town. His response was that he wanted to come with me. That was the exact response I wanted. Then after a couple more weeks, he slowly started distancing himself. Didn’t help that his phone got disconnected. So I would go to his place and make sure to tell him when I would drop by again. That weekend, I showed up every night for three nights, without an answer, until the third night. Which happened to be the night I peeped through his open window to see a naked girl laying in his bed. What hurt me the most was his reaction. Like, he didn’t see what the big deal was. Like he didn’t care. I just didn’t want him to see me cry so I walked away. Months later I contacted him once or twice for my money but eventually gave up on the idea because I didn’t find it worth my time for all the excuses he was giving me. I started a fling shortly after with a coworker who, quite honestly, has got to be one of the hottest men I’ve ever been with, but still I consider him a rebound. Now that I’ve already moved, I’m no longer with the rebound (just friends), but I still catch myself thinking about the ex. I feel I don’t have closure. Especially since he’s writing to me on social networks (just minor comments. Nothing revealing). I feel I want him back because I believe deep down inside he was purposely pulling away to avoid attachment. But we had something and I’m willing to give it another shot. Do you think it’s worth my time, or is he just a jerk who played me and I should let go?

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 11:28 am

      I think you are risking more hurt by pursuing him. You shouldn’t try to avoid relationships altogether, but you should try to avoid relationships like this where you spend two years being on and off with a guy without any progress. I don’t think you have a future with him. I’ll also suggest you remove him from social networks.

  • Monica March 27, 2014, 7:35 pm

    Hi, I’d like to know if you got my story because I haven’t receive any answer.
    Thanks
    Monica

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 12:27 pm

      Hey,

      I am sorry for the late reply. I have replied to your comment here.

  • Hardeep March 29, 2014, 10:13 am

    Hey kevin, I was dating this beautiful Mexican girl for a year and a half and I had gone to India 3-4 months into my relationship and came back 3 months later to hear all these rumors about my girlfriend sleeping with other guys and her best friend. I was completely heart broken and my mind just flipped out. So I ended up cheating in her. Then I realize that all those rumors about my girlfriend sleeping aeound were lies and I was in utter disbelief of what I had done. A year and a half into the relationship she found out I had cheated (and it was a one-time only thing) and was completely heartbroken because I was her first serious relationship and I took her virginity and I was her first love.she broke up with me yesterday saying that she still loves me but has lost all respect for me. I love her with all my heart and I’d do anything to show her that I truly want to be with her but she said she doesn’t hate me and yet I feel like I can already feel her love for me fading away. If it is or not I’m not sure but I’m worried that if I go through with a no contact period she’s gonna endup ffinding someone else and I’m gonna miss out on her. I was thinking of having my sister talk to her but I dont know how my ex would take that, they’re really good friends too. What do you think I should do?

    • Kevin March 31, 2014, 8:08 am

      In my experience, people don’t move on so quickly from a year and a half relationship. I still think you should do no contact. Let her know that you won’t be contacting her and that you think she needs some space and time and so do you.

  • Kendallyn March 31, 2014, 3:09 am

    Hi Kevin,
    Please be advised that this is quite long (I’ve never been a fan of brevity) and that I more than respect you for even THINKING about reading it. I know how many people you serve! 🙂 I am so thankful to have found your site. I have spent the last five days (in between no sleep, no food, not leaving my room/house for 5 days, and smoking cigarettes – btw, I don’t smoke!) searching the internet for answers/guidance and found nothing of the sort until I stumbled upon this site. I have already read through the five steps as well as almost every article attached to it, and the articles attached to THOSE. I’ve also read some comments (too many to get through, but enough to have even more respect for your guidance toward your readers) and I haven’t stumbled upon a situation like mine and would appreciate any words that you might have.

    I have been “single” (dating, nothing serious, focusing on me/career, etc) for three years in July. I made this conscious decision soon after ending my two year, very unhealthy relationship with my last serious boyfriend in order to establish and find myself as well as learn who I was post-breakup. At the end of January this year, I decided to get a glass of wine at a well known watering hole by myself (I’ve learned to love spending time alone in public vs. with people – I have never feared it) at 11pm on a Friday night. Even the most independent of women really don’t go here alone on a date night, but something told me to do so anyway. I wasn’t looking for anyone, in fact I think that I had the “raging bitch who doesn’t want to speak to anyone” look plastered on my face, for no good reason really other than to just spend some time alone. A nice man ended up coming over, introducing himself, and asking to sit next to me. Long story short, he asked to give me HIS number – which I felt was very respectful and left the ball in my court. I texted him the next day to thank him for introducing himself and we kept in touch loosely. Three days later, we bumped into one another at a restaurant (both alone) and the rest was history. We spent a great deal of WONDERFUL time together and talked until the sun rose that night, and every night since for a month. That night in the restaurant he informed me that he was in the middle of a separation and that his divorce wouldn’t be finalized until July (*RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG*, I know!). He then told me his “story” of them being married 16 years, having three kids, her having an emotional and later physical affair with a co-worker (the VP of the company that they BOTH work for) and “kicked him out” into an apartment, etc. After a year of attempted repair (moving off to Paris to reconnect and everything), he made the decision that he’d found himself and his deserve level and decided to move on with his life, leaving the marriage for good after realizing that the trust, and therefore bond, was broken. To say that I was weary would be the understatement of the century, but he assured me that he was happy and excited to be moving on with his life and told me “I can’t help when I meet someone that captivates me the way that you have”. I told him that I would trust him and never bring it up again (as the friend of SEVERAL divorcees, both men and women, I know that the “is it too fresh?”, “are you sure you’re ready?” questions get to be a drag) unless it became a problem. I kept that promise. Everything was perfect, we fell for one another and told each other on Valentine’s Day and both agreed that even though there were hurdles (his kids are taking it hard, his ex isn’t a very nice person, etc.), we would tackle them and get through them together. Because I made the effort for years to be the best ME that I could, I knew that I was getting into this relationship for ALL of the right reasons and that he was receiving the best “me” that I could give. I did not jump the gun and new very well what it “looked like” to get into a relationship with someone like that, but I took him for his word. During our time, he did things that no man I’ve dated ever has. He sat and listened to two hour long (again – the brevity issue!) saga stories about exes and why things ended/what I learned. He reciprocated compliments, attention, and affection. He left me notes around the house. He gave me a key for convenience as it’s a gated community and let me leave/arrive separately from him when needed. He let me stay at his place whenever he wasn’t there to give me an escape. He outfitted the place with food and toiletries that he knew I’d need/like. He mentioned things about how I was “helping him feel again” and how he knows that I put my heart out on a platter that he honors it and me every single day. He introduced me to his kids (soon, I know – it was our decision to wait a considerable amount of time until we all ran into one another at a shopping center) where soon after we spent days together doing activities, having movie nights, even sleep overs (I slept with the girls, of course). We went out for dinners, bought our favorite wine, and talked for hours on end. We planned trips together, had stupid nicknames, and established routines. We talked about the future and what we wanted. Three weeks ago (maybe four) he made mention that things were going a bit too quickly in that we were spending a bit too much time together (there was nothing else about us that he felt was “too soon”) and that even though he was in love with me, he realized that he’d lost his “me” time. He was able to recognize a weakness of his from his previous relationship where he grew suffocated and needed time for himself that he was never able to get, thus shutting down. He didn’t want to do that to me. It was totally acceptable as we’d seen each other every single day for over a month and I was sort of feeling the same way too. Fearful that it was really a ploy to break up with me, we had an hour long emotional (on my end) conversation in which he helped me to understand that it’s okay to miss one another and have alone time (which I am 100% all for) and that it wasn’t an ulterior motive. His actions backed up his words (I’ve started paying less attention to words over the years) and we were okay. We celebrated two months together last weekend (I know how silly this is at our age, but it was a cute and light thing between us at the time) and things were great. I put up a photo of us on Facebook (something that I am VERY weary about for the fear of jinxing things too soon, which he was aware of, so it symbolized more than what an outsider might think) and mentioned that it was the best 60 days that I’ve had in years, thus “introducing him” to the “public”. I was insanely happy and hopeful.

    The next Tuesday after a very fun dinner/bowling date, he started dropping comments here and there about how he “still felt broken” and that he felt bad for me, that I didn’t deserve it. I will now point out that I am 25 years old and that he is 44 years old. Before this gets judged by you or any of your readers (no offense, I’m just used to it), I have dated “older” my entire dating life and my friend circle ranges from 30-50 and always has. I have experienced a multitude of unique challenges in life and it’s simply easier to relate to men who I consider to be on a similar wave length. I have heard “you’re young”, “you have so much ahead of you, have fun”, “don’t go looking for the complication of older men”, etc., but those are from people who do not know me and the complications that I myself deal with and that it’s easier for me to experience a healthy partnership in someone who is older. I also view “fun” very differently from the people in my age group and am naturally isolated from such people.

    Anywho, last Tuesday (the last time that I saw him in person), he blurted out once again that he feels selfish for needing so much alone time, suddenly needing to travel (he decided on a whim to book a trip to France by himself for a week in April), not giving me “what I need” sexually (sorry to bring it up, but our “intimacy” has suffered a bit over the recent weeks – not the frequency but the quality, and yet I haven’t been upset by it one bit) – which I have already picked up on because he’s been so “in his head”, etc . He mentioned that he likes being committed to me and that he wasn’t trying to break up with me, but that sometimes it still hurts to know that his 16 year marriage has ended. I told him that I was more than fulfilled by the man he was and the way that he loved me, and that I saw all of his struggles as an opportunity for me to lend support and an escape as well as act as a symbol of the new and happy life that he gets to establish for himself on his terms. I asked him not to decide what I deserve, that it was my decision, and that I was perfectly happy. I understand completely that a man who doesn’t want to be in an unhealthy marriage anymore and who doesn’t ever want for or plan a reconciliation could still be mourning the end of that partnership, especially with three kids involved. I have always allowed for and respected that grief. That night we tried to – well you know – and it “didn’t work” (something that he’d dealt with in his marriage as well as with the two women that he dated before me and something that our openness and connection had temporarily rectified at the beginning of the relationship, but had started to become more common lately), and I do admit that I was visibly frustrated and a little quiet afterward because I knew that there was something on his mind and it frustrated me to know that. Things were a bit “awkward” going to sleep. The next morning, we parted ways with an “I’ll miss you” from him, and things seemed alright. Thursday evening, after a normal day of talking via text (granted, I had to text him first around noon – out of the norm, and he wouldn’t respond for a couple of hours – out of the norm as well) he sent me a message at 8:00pm that said “Hi you. You deserve to know that I’m going dark for the rest of the night, no phone or text. I’m okay, know that. I just don’t want you to worry. I have unresolved issues that I have to sort out…I’m sorry I’m so broken :\. I am not with anyone or doing anything specific, it’s not about that. Just me being alone with my thoughts. I’ll text you tomorrow, hope you’re having a good night!” I texted back the most calm, objective, supportive, understanding, and mature message that I could, and then proceeded to panic. I have been living on cucumbers, hot tea, and cigarettes ever since. I felt in my gut that something was seriously not right. The next day he texted me once at 9:30pm with “Hi you…sorry I’ve kind of disappeared on you, crazy day. Getting the girls in bed and I’m going to go to sleep too, I’m tired. I hope your day is going well and that you have a fun Friday night!!!”. I tried to respond as supportive and “girlfriendy” as I could, all the while breaking apart inside. We didn’t speak all of yesterday (Saturday) or today until I finally bit the bullet in the evening and sent him an email (trying to still give him space) saying “Thinking of you and wishing you four a wonderful weekend, xo K”. I got an email a half hour later that said “Hi you, so sorry that I’ve dropped off of the planet, girls and I had a busy weekend. I’m hoping that we can see each other sometime tomorrow, maybe lunch or afternoon time?” (No I love you or I miss you since Tuesday, for the record)

    That was the nail in the coffin for me, the writing is on the wall. Usually he’s on about getting together in the evening after his kids are back with their mother, resulting in dinner/fun/overnight stay. Lunch time makes no sense. It’s clear to me, unless I am THE most selfish woman on earth, that this is heading for a break up and so I thought that instead of panicking and going in tomorrow ready to cry and make a fool of myself – because after reading your articles it’s CLEAR that I’d have done that for all of the reasons that you stated (I love him, I want to help him work through this, I can convince him, etc.) – that I’d confide in your very well thought out advice.

    I know that this isn’t exactly due to something wrong with me specifically, that he may still need time to find himself and a new balance after his split. I know that dating a separated man is risky, I was timid going into it. What I am trying to figure out now is this: if we do in fact break up tomorrow, I want him to know that I will still be here ready to work on things and keep cultivating a relationship. That I want him and I to pull through this and that if he needs time away, that’s completely fine with me. I have thought about my reasons for this and they’re centered around the fact that we established a great partnership, a wonderful connection, a respect for one another, a support system, that we have similar interests/morals/life goals, and that I see great potential for a future in this. I know that he needs to be his best self and completely mourn and detach himself from his former life as a twosome with his ex before he can be in a relationship, and if he suddenly realized that maybe he hasn’t completely done that yet – I get it. That’s okay (kind of wish the “I love you part” wasn’t said then…). All of that said, I still want HIM. I want HIM to be my person, I want him in my future. I am planning to go tomorrow and listen a great deal, say my bit, thank him for who and what he was to me and the time that we had together, and tell him that I’ll always be here for him. I plan on establishing and sticking to the “no contact contract” (yes, I gave it a nickname to try and think a little more positively about the whole situation…giggle away, everyone! 🙂 ) and then follow the rest of the steps. I just DON’T know how to convey to him that I see all of these things and want all of these things and that I DO love him and respect him and his process immensely without looking like a needy beggar who cannot accept reality. I am none of those things. I am a person who has met someone where unfortunately circumstances prevent from us having the relationship that I know we could and that we’ve had thus far, despite hiccups along the way. I am a strong and independent person who knows what she wants and is prepared to wait for/fight for it.

    Any advice that you have will help. I know that this is SO long and the world does NOT revolve around me, you’ve probably fallen asleep by now! I just feel so lost in all of this. This is the first man that I’ve felt this way about in years – and in some ways, ever. My age and my experience have brought me to the point in which I can be SURE of what I have and I do not want to lose it forever. Any ideas/opinions?

    Thank you SO much,
    Kendallyn

    • Kevin March 31, 2014, 1:25 pm

      Hi Kendallyn,

      Well, I have a feeling that you might be jumping to conclusions over here. It could simply be that he just wants to talk about himself and not breakup. And even if he does want to breakup, I don’t think you will look needy if you explain all the things to him that you explained as long as you don’t ask him not to break up with you. If you want, you can propose a break, instead of breakup, and then apply no contact. And even if you do sound needy, it’s OK because a lot of people do make these mistakes, but the no contact contract does a good job of removing the needy image from an ex’s mind.

      So, stop over-thinking things. I know you have very strong feelings for him, but you jumped into the relationship knowing there will issues. And these are the issues that come with dating a man going through a divorce. If you are going to freak out every time he doesn’t say “I miss you” in his texts, you are going to drive yourself crazy (and possibly very sick with the smoking). So calm down.

  • Kendallyn March 31, 2014, 3:31 am

    Me again – I am SO sorry. I just read the comment guidelines (I didn’t know that there was a such thing until after I submitted mine) and feel so silly for being so in depth and descriptive and making my comment turn into a novella. I can assure you that it won’t happen again, it was just nice to be able to tell someone whose opinion I trust the entire story – forgetting that you, again, have many others to serve. My apologies! Thank you again for your consideration and help. 🙂

    -Kendallyn

    • Kevin March 31, 2014, 1:26 pm

      It’s quite alright. 🙂

  • James April 1, 2014, 9:52 am

    Hi, Kevin

    This is my story; I met my girlfriend after she just got out of a five year relationship (two married) and they together have a child. We started hanging out and it gradually became something incredibly meaningful. Then one day she woke up and told me she didn’t know what she wanted and seperated from each other for about a week and a half. I gave her the space she needed, and then after that short period she realized she missed me and I took her back. We then started getting more serious in our relationship even to the point of moving in with her and her child. Everything was great until, again, she got scared and left me again. She told me and her friends and family that I’m exactly what she sees in her future and wants to be with me, but she’s just not ready for anything serious. She doesn’t know what she wants. I understand it’s because of her recent divorce and she doesn’t know how to cope, and no I don’t think she wants her husband back because he’s with somebody else. She hasn’t had time to do anything she wanted for a long time, being by herself and she wishes she was ready with me. I have done my best to give her the space she needs, as I want her to be happy and also be with me. Two times is hard enough on me, but those things of still feeling everything will be okay are still there, hope I guess. I know she still loves me. I just want to know should I still follow the plan???

    • Kevin April 2, 2014, 7:36 am

      Yes, you should.

    • Kendallyn April 2, 2014, 8:27 pm

      I’m in your same exact boat starting yesterday.
      I feel for you! Good luck!!

  • brandi April 4, 2014, 4:29 am

    Im just curious what your thought is on this. My girlfriend left a month ago and I know a lot of the reason was me. I did the normal crazy messaging thing. A week after she left she got into an open relationship with her best friend of 10 years. Is this a rebound thing or did she just now realize she is in love with her?

    • Kevin April 4, 2014, 11:20 am

      It’s hard to say. It could be a rebound. The only thing you can do is wait and see. Follow the 5 step plan.

  • Rhys April 7, 2014, 11:29 pm

    Hi,

    I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years three days ago after I found out she had been emotionaly cheating on me. I ended the relationship but I miss her a lot. I know I should forget about her and move on as if she can emotionally cheat once she will do it again.
    I have gone no contact. How long do u think I should go no contact for and should I take her back ?

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 11:11 am

      You should go no contact for at least 3 months. After three months, if you think you it’s worth it, then take her back.

  • July April 15, 2014, 1:55 pm

    Hi , im a guy 29 iv been in relationship with my girl around 4 years and after that we break up , after 6-7 month shes got married with other guy i think just because of rampage after 6-7 month shes devorced , but i still love her i miss her , it is worth to take my ex back or not , and how ? I need ur help , thank you

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:07 am

      Hey,

      If you still have feelings for her, you should get back in touch with her using the texts in this page.

  • Connor April 16, 2014, 1:20 am

    I lost my girlfriend of two years. I was and still am in love with her. I turned in to a bully, and, not physically, but mentally hurt her. I never wanted to be that guy. I told her once before it would never happen again, but my emotions for the best of me and I blew up again. This time I have changed, but two weeks later she is with a guy that she didn’t like for a long time. I want her back. We give the same public bus to college, and so does that other guy. I want her back, and I want her to see the real me that she loved at first a long time ago. What do I do?

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:28 am

      Follow the 5 step plan.

      • edward May 14, 2014, 4:08 am

        Kevin does this guy have a chance or not?

        • Kevin May 17, 2014, 12:57 pm

          Yes, he does have a chance.

  • Alison April 23, 2014, 2:58 am

    I feel like my ex-boyfriend is a slightly special case. He went through a great deal of trauma shortly before he met me. He had been in a 6 year relationship with a physically and emotionally abusive partner. They had been living together and engaged, but he was finally forced to leave her when the toxic environment became too much.

    Five months later he met me and I thought we had a very healthy, loving relationship. It lasted 8 months. The problem is ever since he left his ex, he has had no friends and he doesn’t have much family to speak of. Ever since I met him, I’ve been the only person in his life he was close to. This is why I think I was so hesitant to cut him out of my life after our breakup. I knew if I didn’t stay his friend, he would have literally nobody.

    But I finally decided for my own well-being that I can’t keep up the friendship facade. It feels like I’m abandoning him, but I think it’s the right thing for me. I guess my question is, can I make this an exception to the no contact rule? I told him if he really needed to talk or wanted to check in on me, I would be ok with it, but that I wouldn’t be the one to contact him until I felt ready. I don’t know if he will contact me, but I felt like it was important for me to leave the door ajar since I’m the only important relationship in his life and he’s been pretty miserable for a while now.

    • Kevin April 28, 2014, 10:17 am

      Hey Alison,

      Since you already told him that you will be there for him, then you can reply to him when he contacts you. However, if him contacting you is slowing your progress, then you will have to eventually tell him to give you some time and space.

  • Austin April 29, 2014, 3:34 pm

    Hi,

    So my girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me about a month ago because I cheated on her and didn’t confess because I was scared and didn’t want her to find out for fear of her breaking up with me. This was both of our first relationships. When I say cheat I am referring to me “allegedly” (I don’t remember due to alcohol) making out with a girl at a club. Our relationship had been going great for over a year. Not a single fight or problem. But I started getting these feelings of wanting to be with someone else (not someone in particular, just a different girl) and the relationship took a bad turn. We just lost contact, stopped seeing eachother as often and got into a couple fights. She found out and broke up with me and when she found out I was crushed. Not because I got caught but because I genuinely felt horrible. She is a great girl and didn’t deserve to be treated the way I treated her because I know she would never have done that to me. It just sucks that I had to find out how I truly felt about her the hard way. I was a mess when we broke up and I have only contacted her twice during the breakup so far, but we did speak about everything on the phone and really we got no where. She doesn’t trust me and is asking me why she should give me another chance and I am trying to explain to her that it was meaningless and I don’t even remember it. I feel like I should have waited to talk to her but its too late. it has been over a week since that phonecall with zero contact. I am at the one month no contact period and I’m not sure where to go from here. Please help.

    Thanks,

    Austin

    • Kevin April 30, 2014, 2:24 am

      I think you still have a chance. IF you’ve read the 5 step plan, then you already know what to do.

  • Austin May 5, 2014, 7:47 pm

    Kevin,
    I signed up today, when will I get my first email? I need the support asap. We dated for 2 years, broke up three months ago and I made all the mistakes. Although, she would call/facetime me and tell me she missed me and how much she loved me too. We would talk about how special we are to each other, but I have two children and she couldn’t deal with the ex issue. It has bee really rocky over the last few weeks and she admitted to going out on a date last night after I pressure her. I truly believe it was the first real date she has been on since we broke up. I will admit that I have gone on a couple myself, but didn’t tell her that. I was initially upset and told her I wouldn’t still be around to watch her move on. I told her I wouldn’t call anymore. She said no one will ever compare to me, but she doesn’t know what else to do to get over me. She got really sad and started crying. I sincerely told her I want her to be happy and I understand that is what she is trying to do before we got off the phone – I was sincere, but hiding a tremendous amount of pain.

    I am hoping a period of no contact will allow me to clear my head and allow her to realize how good we fit together. Do you think I have a chance?

  • Austin May 5, 2014, 8:13 pm

    I should really emphasize the reason for the breakup was not a lack of passion, love, similar interests, one sided relationship, etc. It was because she couldn’t deal with my ex being manipulative and the hardship of possibly being a step-mother. This is a real issue for her and her family (at least some of them) get in her head and make her question if it is a situation that will make her miserable in the long run. She has never been married, nor does she have children of her own. When it is just the two of us there couldn’t be two people more perfect together. But, every other weekend I have the children and she gets very depressed and withdrawn. A couple days later we are back to normal. One time she didn’t bounce back, we both over-reacted, and we broke up. We have never gone more than a day without talking to each other, even when we were upset with each other. The contact was both ways, if I didn’t call her she would call me. The last few weeks have been different and I will admit that I broke every rule above for months. She went out on a date last night and we amicably agreed to stop contacting each other.

    Thank you and I’m looking forward to getting started. I will do the no contact regardless, but I am just wondering if you think I have a chance?

    Austin

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 2:35 pm

      Hey Austin,

      I do think you have a chance if you apply no contact.

  • Princes May 7, 2014, 9:43 pm

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, and i broke up with him Because i felt that he is cold at me for almost a week he didn’t want to text me and even during our anniversary he don’t provide same effort to see me or text me I thought he never love me anymore. Within those 9 months we broke up I have been in no contact rule and like what you said in your other article all the sign that he still loves me are all present. Then now he said to me he wants to go back what we have but he is confused on what he felt he said that he loves me but he want to make sure of that feeling first. that’s why I have doubt and question his love for me and I can’t see his sincerity that he really what me back. Also my feelings start to be confused. I need your advice if I should go back with him, until know it’s hard for me to list my pros and cons of getting back with him. What do you think should I do?

    • Kevin May 8, 2014, 1:40 pm

      If you are confused, you should start no contact again for a couple of months. Tell him you need time to think. The answer will eventually come to you.

      • Princes May 8, 2014, 10:09 pm

        Hi Kevin,
        Thank you i appreciate your advice.

  • christiana May 11, 2014, 12:21 pm

    Hello, my ex boyfriend and I were together for four and half years, we got together our senior year in high school and we are now 21. Our relationship was great other than communication. I would tell him everything and anytime something was bothering me but he wouldn’t. It was almost like he had to much pride to let someone know he needed to talk. Other than that we made each other laugh we had all the same interests. I recently took a new job in January were u had to work every weekend and he was only off on weekends so we didnt get to spend much time together. He broke up with me about a month ago out of nowhere we hadn’t been arguing or anything. Then a week later he was already with someone else they aren’t in an relationship but they spend a lot of time together. I have followed the no contact rule and just been going out having fun with friends. He texted me once saying he heard was messing around with someone else and I told him I was just hanging out with a friend and he said he was just picking on me and I didn’t reply back. Do you think we have a chance of working things out and getting back together?

    • Kevin May 12, 2014, 3:11 am

      Yes, you do have a chance. On a side note, if your relationship doesn’t have good communication, it should not be considered great.

  • Alison May 13, 2014, 3:52 am

    Hi
    My boyfriend who I’ve dated for almost two years just broke up with me. He told me that he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. I could see that he tried to enjoy spending time with me but somehow it wasn’t the same. He decided to break up with me, and told me he needed to figure out some stuff out. He told me he’s been feeling depressed lately and will probably go see a therapist. He also just graduated from college, so I kind of understand what he’s going through. Is there something I can do to help make things go back to normal? And do you think he’ll come back to me?

    • Kevin May 16, 2014, 11:04 am

      The best thing you can do is give him space.

  • Oznerol May 18, 2014, 6:52 pm

    Does the 30 day rule still apply in a short relationship of 3 months. I know her attraction to me faded because of being a bit insecure and clingy; overall I think her decision was rash in the heat of the moment through texts. I wasn’t patient in giving space during a tough time of school and now she basically said that was the reason she didn’t want to see me and she needed some time to work on herself. She basically said she does not want to deal with anyone for a while. Do I take it for what it is worth and do at least a month or am I able to shorten it due to the fact our relationship was in the beginning stages. I see all of the qualities in her that I would like in a women but unsure about taking the time if she is not completely confident in herself.

    Please give some advise on the time frame I should use to re-contact and how to approach it within the first coupe of meeting to see if she is truly open to staring again.

    • Kevin May 20, 2014, 1:21 pm

      You can reduce it to three weeks if you want. But my recommendation is still one month. How to approach after no contact is covered in this article.

  • Dylan Robinson May 20, 2014, 6:21 am

    So my ex girlfirend broke it off after about 5 years. We were in a messed up situation that I shouldn’t talk about on here but we were basically working it out or I thought we were. Then last week she posts on facebook she’s in another relationship. We have a son so the only contact I should have is when I see him right? Do you think I can get her back? Because I really was trying to work the relationship out with her.

    • Kevin May 20, 2014, 3:20 pm

      I think it’s worth trying. Read this article to learn about no contact with kids.

  • Siddharth May 21, 2014, 9:35 am

    My gf of 8 months left me for her ex, both of them used to fight but now it seems like the guy has improved and promised to marry her.
    Even she feels a lot for him, is it woth to wait for her?

    • Kevin May 22, 2014, 3:35 pm

      It’s hard to say. If it’s her ex, it’s probably not a rebound. You should apply no contact regardless.

  • helpneeded123 May 25, 2014, 6:16 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me on for doing long distance.
    I broke up with her last week after she got in my face about our problems. I’m doing the no-contact, but isn’t the lying about an ex (her first love of 5 years) to my face, enough of a reason to end it and NOT even consider going back??

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 11:09 am

      Hey,

      In my opinion, yes it is a reason to end it and never go back.

      • helpneeded123 May 30, 2014, 1:28 pm

        Thanks Kevin. I figured the same, but it’s difficult. I saw potential in us and I feel that although she loved me, she just wanted the security of a ring.. and when she wasn’t getting that commitment from me, she was prepared to just shelve me despite her strong feelings.

        We ended up breaking up arguing… she yelled at me and hung up on me.. i said things to her after that she said made her feel like a monster after I said how inconsiderate she was, etc… She messaged me the next day and tried to get back together the next day, and I said no…then she messaged me and said ‘good luck with your career’ and that was it. my last message was basically telling her its healthy for us to stop and that i dont want to be on bad terms and i feel we should talk, and told her its up to her. apparently she is devastated according to mutual friends. I think this is because she knows her ex is in a serious relationship and now i rejected her attempt to come back…

        The part that kills me is that I hate how we ended things so angrily and I dont know if she will ever want to talk to me again.
        I’m really missing her and don’t know if i should ever get in touch with her .. its been 10 days… should i wait 30 days to text her, or just never text her until she texts me? Do you think she will ever get back to me? Should I try to get in touch soon and have a proper mature discussion about us breaking up? It just bothers me so much how we had something so good and it just crashed and burned.

        ADVICE PLEASE!!! Thanks man.

        How should I proceed.

        • Kevin June 2, 2014, 11:34 am

          Wait 30 days to text her, even if she doesn’t contact you. Don’t have discussion about the breakup when you get back in touch. Follow the 5 step plan.

  • Ya-aa May 30, 2014, 5:42 am

    I broke up with my ex 7 months ago, we have known each other for 4-5 years now he has been my best friend and we were on a relationship for a year and a half, he loved me the moment we met, but I took some time to love him back..
    Well, he got in a relationship a week after we broke up, we stopped talking a month before that, a week later we started talking again, it was obvious he still loves me, a week later he was mine again!
    I was the happiest I can ever be.
    A month later my parents found out that I was with him and they banned me from talking to him, so I had to end it, I couldn’t tell him that this is what my parents want, so I just told him we can’t talk anymore and he shouldn’t ever try to contact me, a week later he got back to that girl, I was so broken I hated everyone, I didn’t show him how sad I am, I stayed hyper, happy and bubbly as he’s used to see me, but the truth is I will never stop loving him, he’s my first love, they have been together for 7 months now, and we are talking again, he keeps giving me hints that he still love me, yesterday he told me they broke up, and he doesn’t want to get back to her, he told me he loves her, but I’m different, he told me I’m really special to him, today he asked me what if he wanted us to get back together, I answered with no way! He kept asking me why did we broke up in the first place, and kept saying I know you miss me, and these kind of things, then I found out he was telling me all that while he was back in a relationship with her, I told him I love some guy let’s call him ‘x’ for now, when I told him we should stop talking, cause I realized I’m only hurting my self this way, he told me to go talk to ‘x’, and I was like… What?! He told me since you love him and he loves you back,he kept saying you will never now what I feel because you have a guy that loves you and you love him back, what does he mean by all these moves? Does he really loves her? If so why does he keep telling me about our past relationship? Why does he keep telling me how desperate he is? Why does he tell me he remembers every single memory we had? And keeps telling me that nothing’s going right in his life? Is there any chance That he still loves me? And why is he still with her? I have tons of questions to ask, and I feel really dumb to let him go, and telling him we should stop talking I miss him already!!! It sucks:s
    Please help me I will be really thankful for any respond.

    • Kevin May 30, 2014, 8:51 am

      Hey,

      I think you did the right thing by telling him that you should stop talking. It’ll give both of you some time to figure out what you want. As for what he said, my advice is don’t overthink it. There’s a lot of confusion after a breakup, and people say a lot of things they don’t mean. It’s best to concentrate on making yourself feel better rather than on what he said.

  • Bryan June 1, 2014, 3:06 am

    Hey Kevin,

    First I would like to say thank you for putting together all this information. I am glad I found it. I have read your main article about the 5 step plan. I clicked on the hyperlink to this page.

    I dated my ex for roughly 1.5 years during high school then a bit past grad. I mainly had the problem with her and it was so much fighting that we eventually had a mutual break up. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I was a little more organized with my future and I had a lot of schooling to do, and pay for. I did deal with her in a very rude way and I also did other negatives in the relationship.

    Anyways, here I am about 2 years later and I have met many girls, went on dates, and finished my schooling. She’s also dated someone for a bit and they broke up about a month ago. Me and my ex talk lightly. [I’m going to start the 30 days from scratch anyways ;)] I started missing her before I even knew they were broken up. A lot of things seem true about me wanting to get back together with her for love, missing her, and honestly thinking she was the best. But its also been 2 years and I have realized so much about what I did wrong, and what I truly had. The motif is obviously to get back together with her but I know patience is massive in my situation.We have both grown so much, she’s in school now doing extremely well on her own. I have mature more and realized a lot of stuff, through suffering and beating on myself for the mistakes I made. But hey we are only human and learn one way or another. She is pretty busy so texting does not always work with her. I was thinking simply asking her to workout soon, its low key and something we both like.

    Ill leave it at that for now! Just wondering on your 2 cents on my situation. Do I truly have a good enough reason? Any tips on angles to approach this. Any thing you can give me I would be super thankful for.

    Thanks again!

    Bryan

    • Kevin June 2, 2014, 1:48 pm

      I think you do have a good enough reason. You already have the right attitude on how to approach this. Take things slowly, and have patience. Things are probably going to work out for you. All the best.

  • helpneeded123 June 1, 2014, 7:43 pm

    KEVIN, You already replied to the first part of my situation, but not the second. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then lastly my follow-up to your answer:

    Hi Kevin,

    I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me on for doing long distance.
    I broke up with her last week after she got in my face about our problems. I’m doing the no-contact, but isn’t the lying about an ex (her first love of 5 years) to my face, enough of a reason to end it and NOT even consider going back??

    YOUR RESPONSE WAS:

    Hey,

    In my opinion, yes it is a reason to end it and never go back.

    MY FOLLOW UP:
    Thanks Kevin. I figured the same, but it’s difficult. I dont think she cheated on me, but she did lie. They’re clearly on good terms but I think her ex wants nothing romantic with her as he is happy in his new relationship.

    We ended up breaking up arguing… she yelled at me and hung up on me.. i said things to her after that she said made her feel like a monster after I said how inconsiderate she was, etc… She messaged me the next day and tried to get back together the next day, and I said no…then she messaged me and said ‘good luck with your career’ and that was it. my last message was basically telling her its healthy for us to stop and that i dont want to be on bad terms and i feel we should talk, and told her its up to HER to call me as I wont message her again. apparently she is at ease now according to mutual friends. I think its because the relationship was emotionally draining the last 4 months.

    I’m really missing her and don’t know if i should ever get in touch with her .. its been 14 days… Should I try to get in touch soon and have a proper mature discussion about us breaking up? It just bothers me so much how we had something so good and it just crashed and burned. For some reason I keep thinking we should try again in the future as we do have a deep bond and according to 2 mutual friends, she is battling through some depression which caused her to reach out to her ex whenever she felt insecure with us doing distance. Does NOT justify it.. but I feel sorry for her in that she was battling that stuff…

    How should I proceed. Is it still worth a gamble in the future if she was battling herself internally (due to depression/neediness,), should she stabilize her life. Or is it not even worth it given what I found out (hiding her ex, even if it was just as a friend).

    Basically, she is emotionally unstable …but do you feel like giving her a second chance in lets say 6 months or a year, is a bad idea? Apparently she is at ease now with us being over as it was draining her. But she was apparently very hurt by what I said, and is now moving on and is at peace.
    I don’t want to let her slip away completely as I want that potential chance.. so should I call her in 2 weeks and want to talk about the breakup, and maybe getting back together once we get some stability back in our own lives… or should I just leave it all up to her to get in touch (which one friend says may be a very long time given how hurt she was and now she is trying to move on).

    Thank you so much– your wesbite is amazing..

    THANK YOU!

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 10:01 am

      Hey,

      In my opinion, you’ll be avoiding a lot of stress by cutting her from your life and moving on. Emotional instability is not something that can be fixed easily. And it can only be fixed if SHE decides to work on it. Even then it might take years depending on what caused her issues. She already lied to you once, and there’s a good chance she will do it again. Emotionally unstable people somehow believe they are entitled to do anything (in your case lying and maybe even cheating) because of their emotions.

      I will recommend you do NC for at least 3 months. If after that, you still want her back, then get back in touch with her. She won’t move on so quickly, and you will still have a decent chance of getting her back even after 3 months. But at least, you will be sure that you are not making a big mistake since you’ve had enough enough time to get over the “missing her” phase. Also, I’ll recommend highly that you start dating during these 3 months.

      • helpneeded123 June 3, 2014, 9:22 pm

        Thank you Kevin. I appreciate your thoughts and I will stick to your advice.

  • Jes June 1, 2014, 10:49 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of days ago because he decided that we were not suitable for each other. It’s true our personalities are really very different. We do not have any common interests or hobbies (I am adventurous and like to travel but he rathers stay home most of the time) and we also differ a lot in our values and beliefs. He is also overly possessive and many of my friends think so too, and I happen to be a freedom-loving girl. Hence, we quarreled constantly, esp in the last 6 months. We were together for one year. I blame myself for hurting him a lot over the past months because I really started to get really sick of his possessiveness (I was not to stay out past midnight, I was not to hang out with my other male friends) and began to blatantly ignore his ‘rules’. So one day he decided he cannot take this anymore and broke up with me.

    But don’t get me wrong, he really loved me. Every cell in my body could feel it. He cared for me more than anything else in the world and even his curfew was the result of his concern for me. His only flaw is that he’s too stubborn and possessive. He was awfully nice and good to me otherwise. I really regret having not cherished him more when I could.

    In the past, I always thought that I cared more about living a life and going the things I love (eg traveling), but now, having felt his absence and hating it, I don’t want to travel anyway without him, you know? Since the breakup, I’ve thought a lot about my priorities and I think I want him more than anything else in the world, including my freedom.

    I really want him back and I did plead for another chance, but he says it’s time for us to break out of denial. He says that as much as he loved me, he doesn’t envision a future with me anymore and it’s best for us to put everything behind us and just be friends. Ive asked him if he still loves me, he says he does find himself thinking of me less and feeling less hurt as time goes by. Does this mean he stopped loving me ? I’m really confused.

    What should I do now? I have started the no contact, but what happens after 60 days ? How should I behave when I see him again? And I’d really like to know if he still loves me, so that I know if I should really give this up or not give up.

    Lastly, does personality differences matter so much? Will we be able to work out our fundamental differences if there’s still love?

    Thank you so much!

    Jes

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 10:29 am

      I’ll start with your last question. Yes, they matter a lot. And it will be very hard to come to a compromise if you have a lot of difference in values and beliefs. I know you feel like you cherish him more than your other interests right now, but don’t you think it’s just because you miss him right now. What if you don’t miss him? Don’t you think you will again start resenting him for his possessiveness and stopping you from doing what you love? In my opinion, breaking up was the right thing for both of you. If you want him back, I’ll suggest you do no contact for at least 90 days. At least till the time you feel you are happy in your life without him. I don’t think he will completely forget about you in that time. And you will still have a chance to get him back after 90 days. But at least, you will know for sure that you are making the right decision.

  • Belle June 3, 2014, 2:02 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I find your page very interesting. Me and my 6 years bf broke up 2 days ago. He is 27 and so am I, we are planning to have a baby this year. We have a very beautiful relationship with some downs but we struggle and work things out. For the past 2 years, we had a very sweet relationship, everything is in place. Until last week, I found out that hes bee lying behind my back. My work is 8am-6pm and hes working 4pm-1am. Obviously, theres no time for us to see each other everyday. We can only see each other and spend quality time together every Saturday. Everytime he ends his job, he always txt me goodnight and always letting me know hes home already. Until I found out that hes not going home straight and eve not going home to their house for a couple of days. I was so mad, my friend even saw her with another girl eating outside around 2 am. I was so mad at him, I did not talk to him for a couple of days. He says sorry and beg for forgiveness. I even get to a point where I stalk him in his work place to see he has a girl, and as soon as I saw “them” walking towards his car, I confronted him. I asked him why. He said he just fell out of love since the time that I started working and no time to see each other, he even told me to just break it off with me because he dont want to hurt me anymore. He said that i deserve someone better. BTW, the girl is just his office mate and wanted to ride in his car WITH A GROUP. And I know my bf’s taste, the girl that I saw is impossible for my bf to like. He cried when I left him that night.

    2 nights after, I went out together with my friends (night out). Unfortunately, we saw each other there. He thought I have a company guy so what he did is dance with another girl. I saw it. I was so drunk and so mad. I slapped her. And I even invited him outside to talk, but I beat him up (slap, kick, pull his shirt). And unfortunately his eyes hit the gutter and theres a blood already. We brought him to the hospital (together with my siblings), and the doctors need to stitch his eyelid. My ex’s mom is a doctor so we called her right away to check on him. My ex’s told his mom that he fell of a cab and hit the gutter. His mom cried as soon as he sees his son.

    A day after that, my ex went to our house to show me all the things that Ive done. He told me he hated me so much and he regret the 6 year we had together. He said bad things like “fuck you, cursed me that I hope I suffer, he even told me that its my fault his mom cried. I take full responsibility of my action. I told him that Im very sorry and even begged for forgiveness. I told him that Im not going to do that without any reason. Im just so mad of what he did, but I know what I did t\during that time was too much. I was drunk and so mad thats why I did not control my emotion.

    Now he said that he will tell his whole family what really happened and will take legal action towards me. I know that he cant just badmouth me to his family. Last time I even kneel down and begged fr forgiveness, he said that sorry right now is nothing to him,. He said that everytime he feels the pain and he face the mirror hes hatred towards me grow and the love diminish. He told me to go to his family and confront them on what really happened and take full responsibility of my action if Im really sorry which Im willing to do, supposed to be Ill go there tomorrow to confront them but he did not let me.

    Do you think we still have chance of being together again? He said he still loves me but every time he feels the pain, the hatred grew. What can i do to bring him back? My conscience is killing me because of what I did. Help me!! What can I do to get him back.

    Thanks

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 12:38 pm

      There’s a chance. You’ve already apologized so start NC. After that, send him the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan. Right now, he is angry. So it’s imperative that you start no contact. If he contacts you, tell him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you’ll appreciate it if he understands.

      • Belle June 3, 2014, 9:03 pm

        Hi again Kevin,

        You mean, if he contacted me, I will be the one to ask for some space?
        I was the one who did that to him, so he needs the space more than I do. I’m the one who did worst. If I say that to him, he’ll think that I’m turning the table on him. Last night, he texted me that he still loves me but he can’t anymore. Does it mean, its really over? Does it mean he don’t want to be with me anymore?

        • Kevin June 4, 2014, 2:40 pm

          Yes, I do mean that. You can say that you think “we both need some space and time right now”. This way it’ll not seem like you are being selfish. Besides, the reason you acted the way you acted because you were having a hard time dealing with the breakup. So it’s only reasonable that you take some space and time to deal with your feelings and emotions so you don’t do something like that again.

          • Belle June 5, 2014, 11:17 pm

            Hi Kevin,

            I still have a lot of questions in my mind that I want to clear.
            We talked about me going at their house to personally confront his whole family and ofcourse to apologize for what I did. That is the best thing that I can think of to show him/them how sorry I am for what I did. He also told me that I have all the courage to beat him up, but I don’t even have the guts to face his family on what I did. I told him, since I wanted to take full responsibility of my action, even though Im so scared to death in facing his family, I will do it just to show him how sorry I am. I also told him that once I told his family everything, that will be the last time that Ill show my face to him and his family, and even though we still want to fix things up, it will be impossible already once I told them everything. So its like, it’s the last string for both of us. We had this conversation 2 days ago, and everyday I keep on asking him what time I can go there to talk to his family. And I didn’t receive any reply since.

            I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know if I have to push myself to talk to his family since that is the only way that he can forgive me (according to him). Im also thinking what is the reason why he don’t reply everytime I tell him Ill go there and talked to them. Yesterday, I didn’t even go to work just to “finish” what I have to finish, I texted him to text me the time but I did not receive any reply. Im thinking that maybe he don’t want me to confront his family because he knows that we can never be together again once I tell his family the truth. Am I right? Or theres other reason?

          • Kevin June 8, 2014, 11:18 am

            He doesn’t want you to confront his family. If he wanted his family to know, he would’ve told them himself. There’s still a part of him that wants to get back together. He was just saying it to make you feel bad about yourself.

            Do NC. If he contacts you, tell him you need some time and space. Alternatively, tell him before starting no contact that you need some time and space to deal with the breakup and hopefully you can be friends again at a later time. He will forgive you after a month or two of no contact.

        • Belle June 8, 2014, 9:01 pm

          Hi Kevin,

          Just to update you, Saturday morning (6:30am) as I checked my phone, I received 12 missed calls from my ex boyfriend, he was calling me around 5:30 in the morning, but I put my phone on silent thats why I did not hear him calling. Anyways, I tried calling him twice as well because Im thinking it might be emergency thats why hes calling me, he did not answer. After 4 hours, he called, asking if Im calling him, I told him he is the one calling and Im just calling back. he said to just dont mind it and he is just drunk. I said ok. When I checked my other phone,he sent a wrong message, ” I was looking for you, as usual you left me if you have somebody”, obviously he is with another girl last night. So I replied, I told him to resend the number to the right person and probably its impt for her to know that you are looking for her yesterday. He said that its just a friend, who was introduced my his male friend. He said that he’s been seeing the girl for a couple of days already when the incident happened. She left him yesterday because all through out that night, hes drunk and been talking about me. Anyways, for this moment, I dont give a d*mn anymore.

          He keeps on texting me how fu*king coward I am for not confronting his family. I actually texted her sister already and plans to meet up yesterday afternoon. Because of his non stop texting telling me how coward I am, I texted her mom asking if I could meet her since I want to say something very important, and she told me to just text the details whatever it is because she is very busy. So I told her everything and apologized wholeheartedly. She said that she doesnt have anything against me and he knows that hes son is also drunk, in short, shes not mad at me or anything, she told me that we time will heal for both of us. I also texted her sister that I cant meet her up anymore and just told her the whole story, just like their mom, she also said she understand what I did,.

          When my ex find out that i already told his family, he was shock and maybe not expecting that I can really do it. We talked a little bit, and he told me that Im still in his heart, and if he can call anytime he wants. I feel like everything shuttered. I cant face his family anymore, I cant talk to them anymore because they know what kind of person I am.

          Kevin, do you think it is still okay to be with him after his family finds out? Just in case we still try to fix everything will it affect us and our family big time? Or it is better to just give up and leave?

          Thank you.

  • Belle June 4, 2014, 2:46 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Question, what if he’s also reading the same article as I am reading right now and plan to do the NC thing? Isn’t it weird because we are both waiting for who will do the 1st move. Imagine, what I’m reading right now is exactly what he’s reading as well. Who should go first?

    • Kevin June 4, 2014, 2:58 pm

      I recommend to contact your ex after 30 days in all my articles. So if he is reading the same thing, he will contact you. If he doesn’t, you should contact him. It doesn’t really matter who makes the first move. What matters more is the way you talk to him when you get back in touch.

  • helpneeded123 June 9, 2014, 6:18 pm

    KEVIN, PLEASE!

    You already replied to the first part and then again to the second part of my situation, but I have an important update… This is LONG distance. I Have just moved to a new city and the earliest I could get back to see her would be the end of August… how should I proceed with your advice given the important fact that I have a new job for 3 years in a different city (2 hour flight apart from her). We talked about distance before we broke up and she said she wasn’t happy doing it for 3 years, and would possibly do it to start off but would want to move in… Then we had the ugly breakup I describe below. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then the second part followed by your second reply.

    I dont know what to do if after the non-contact phase I want her back.. I cant leave my job. She definitely wont give up hers given how we ended/uncertainty.

    What do I do 🙁

    Here is our previous conversation:

    Hi Kevin,

    I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me on for doing long distance.
    I broke up with her last week after she got in my face about our problems. I’m doing the no-contact, but isn’t the lying about an ex (her first love of 5 years) to my face, enough of a reason to end it and NOT even consider going back??

    YOUR RESPONSE WAS:

    Hey,

    In my opinion, yes it is a reason to end it and never go back.

    MY FOLLOW UP:
    Thanks Kevin. I figured the same, but it’s difficult. I dont think she cheated on me, but she did lie. They’re clearly on good terms but I think her ex wants nothing romantic with her as he is happy in his new relationship.

    We ended up breaking up arguing… she yelled at me and hung up on me.. i said things to her after that she said made her feel like a monster after I said how inconsiderate she was, etc… She messaged me the next day and tried to get back together the next day, and I said no…then she messaged me and said ‘good luck with your career’ and that was it. my last message was basically telling her its healthy for us to stop and that i dont want to be on bad terms and i feel we should talk, and told her its up to HER to call me as I wont message her again. apparently she is at ease now according to mutual friends. I think its because the relationship was emotionally draining the last 4 months.

    I’m really missing her and don’t know if i should ever get in touch with her .. its been 14 days… Should I try to get in touch soon and have a proper mature discussion about us breaking up? It just bothers me so much how we had something so good and it just crashed and burned. For some reason I keep thinking we should try again in the future as we do have a deep bond and according to 2 mutual friends, she is battling through some depression which caused her to reach out to her ex whenever she felt insecure with us doing distance. Does NOT justify it.. but I feel sorry for her in that she was battling that stuff…

    How should I proceed. Is it still worth a gamble in the future if she was battling herself internally (due to depression/neediness,), should she stabilize her life. Or is it not even worth it given what I found out (hiding her ex, even if it was just as a friend).

    Basically, she is emotionally unstable …but do you feel like giving her a second chance in lets say 6 months or a year, is a bad idea? Apparently she is at ease now with us being over as it was draining her. But she was apparently very hurt by what I said, and is now moving on and is at peace.
    I don’t want to let her slip away completely as I want that potential chance.. so should I call her in 2 weeks and want to talk about the breakup, and maybe getting back together once we get some stability back in our own lives… or should I just leave it all up to her to get in touch (which one friend says may be a very long time given how hurt she was and now she is trying to move on).

    YOUR SECOND RESPONSE:
    Hey,

    In my opinion, you’ll be avoiding a lot of stress by cutting her from your life and moving on. Emotional instability is not something that can be fixed easily. And it can only be fixed if SHE decides to work on it. Even then it might take years depending on what caused her issues. She already lied to you once, and there’s a good chance she will do it again. Emotionally unstable people somehow believe they are entitled to do anything (in your case lying and maybe even cheating) because of their emotions.

    I will recommend you do NC for at least 3 months. If after that, you still want her back, then get back in touch with her. She won’t move on so quickly, and you will still have a decent chance of getting her back even after 3 months. But at least, you will be sure that you are not making a big mistake since you’ve had enough enough time to get over the “missing her” phase. Also, I’ll recommend highly that you start dating during these 3 months.
    ___

    So Kevin, now what? Im in a new city. She is back home. And I dont see how its going to work and I know she will tell me the exact same thing- We cant even meet for coffee given that I wont be able to see her unless I book a ticket to her city for end of August. And that seems a bit too much given that we arent even together.

    PLEASE Kevin. Think hard about what I should do. Ive been doing no contact but I see long-term potential (always have). And now Im in a new place away from her. The glass is broken so to speak and I just dont know how to ideally get us back together (she would eventually have to move here as there is no way I could leave my position).

    • helpneeded123 June 9, 2014, 6:29 pm

      I don’t have many options. Its early June. Its been 21 days no contact now. Earliest I could physically visit her technically in end of August. 3 months of no contact (what you recommended) would put me at end of august which is too late to ‘start’ talking because i cant just show up at end of august face-to-face. But how would I even get her to want me to come visit after shes hurt and apparently ‘at ease’ according to friends given how stressful the end of our relationship was? I think we’re both in this stalemate of no-contact because although she broke up with me first, I rejected her comeback the next day, so theres no reason for her to contact me again as she was hurt by what I said when she wanted to come back to me. Im just totally lost given that the long-distance is crippling the normal flow of your advice/articles.

      Ive read all your articles- I just need some concrete steps given my complicated situation.

      THANK YOU. REALLY- THANK YOU. ADVICE APPRECIATED>

  • helpneeded123 July 4, 2014, 8:07 am

    KEVIN, PLEASE!

    You already replied to the first part and then again to the second part of my situation, but I have an important update… This is LONG distance. I Have just moved to a new city and the earliest I could get back to see her would be the end of August… how should I proceed with your advice given the important fact that I have a new job for 3 years in a different city (2 hour flight apart from her). We talked about distance before we broke up and she said she wasn’t happy doing it for 3 years, and would possibly do it to start off but would want to move in… Then we had the ugly breakup I describe below. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then the second part followed by your second reply.

    I dont know what to do if after the non-contact phase I want her back.. I cant leave my job. She definitely wont give up hers given how we ended/uncertainty.

    What do I do 🙁

    Here is our previous conversation:

    Hi Kevin,

    I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me on for doing long distance.
    I broke up with her last week after she got in my face about our problems. I’m doing the no-contact, but isn’t the lying about an ex (her first love of 5 years) to my face, enough of a reason to end it and NOT even consider going back??

    YOUR RESPONSE WAS:

    Hey,

    In my opinion, yes it is a reason to end it and never go back.

    MY FOLLOW UP:
    Thanks Kevin. I figured the same, but it’s difficult. I dont think she cheated on me, but she did lie. They’re clearly on good terms but I think her ex wants nothing romantic with her as he is happy in his new relationship.

    We ended up breaking up arguing… she yelled at me and hung up on me.. i said things to her after that she said made her feel like a monster after I said how inconsiderate she was, etc… She messaged me the next day and tried to get back together the next day, and I said no…then she messaged me and said ‘good luck with your career’ and that was it. my last message was basically telling her its healthy for us to stop and that i dont want to be on bad terms and i feel we should talk, and told her its up to HER to call me as I wont message her again. apparently she is at ease now according to mutual friends. I think its because the relationship was emotionally draining the last 4 months.

    I’m really missing her and don’t know if i should ever get in touch with her .. its been 14 days… Should I try to get in touch soon and have a proper mature discussion about us breaking up? It just bothers me so much how we had something so good and it just crashed and burned. For some reason I keep thinking we should try again in the future as we do have a deep bond and according to 2 mutual friends, she is battling through some depression which caused her to reach out to her ex whenever she felt insecure with us doing distance. Does NOT justify it.. but I feel sorry for her in that she was battling that stuff…

    How should I proceed. Is it still worth a gamble in the future if she was battling herself internally (due to depression/neediness,), should she stabilize her life. Or is it not even worth it given what I found out (hiding her ex, even if it was just as a friend).

    Basically, she is emotionally unstable …but do you feel like giving her a second chance in lets say 6 months or a year, is a bad idea? Apparently she is at ease now with us being over as it was draining her. But she was apparently very hurt by what I said, and is now moving on and is at peace.
    I don’t want to let her slip away completely as I want that potential chance.. so should I call her in 2 weeks and want to talk about the breakup, and maybe getting back together once we get some stability back in our own lives… or should I just leave it all up to her to get in touch (which one friend says may be a very long time given how hurt she was and now she is trying to move on).

    YOUR SECOND RESPONSE:
    Hey,

    In my opinion, you’ll be avoiding a lot of stress by cutting her from your life and moving on. Emotional instability is not something that can be fixed easily. And it can only be fixed if SHE decides to work on it. Even then it might take years depending on what caused her issues. She already lied to you once, and there’s a good chance she will do it again. Emotionally unstable people somehow believe they are entitled to do anything (in your case lying and maybe even cheating) because of their emotions.

    I will recommend you do NC for at least 3 months. If after that, you still want her back, then get back in touch with her. She won’t move on so quickly, and you will still have a decent chance of getting her back even after 3 months. But at least, you will be sure that you are not making a big mistake since you’ve had enough enough time to get over the “missing her” phase. Also, I’ll recommend highly that you start dating during these 3 months.
    ___

    So Kevin,

    I called her and asked if she saw us getting back together but she told me she doesnt see us getting together, that we arent meant to be, and that she doesnt feel the same about us and that she is becoming happy again.

    I hung up and was quite sad, and also angry, because of the lies i know she said… so i called her 3 days later and told her what i knew… she flipped at me but never apologized, hung up on me and said “dont call me again” and then texted me “so much for making peace… you crushed me…so have a nice life!”

    Ouch.

    I really hate how we ended but I needed to tell her the truth because i had a hard time swallowing the pill of her lies. So please Kevin, how do i make this better/good terms? 🙁

  • helpneeded123 July 8, 2014, 10:49 am

    KEVIN, PLEASE!

    You already replied to the first part and then again to the second part of my situation, but I have an important update… This is LONG distance. I Have just moved to a new city and the earliest I could get back to see her would be the end of August… how should I proceed with your advice given the important fact that I have a new job for 3 years in a different city (2 hour flight apart from her). We talked about distance before we broke up and she said she wasn’t happy doing it for 3 years, and would possibly do it to start off but would want to move in… Then we had the ugly breakup I describe below. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then the second part followed by your second reply.

    I dont know what to do if after the non-contact phase I want her back.. I cant leave my job. She definitely wont give up hers given how we ended/uncertainty.

    What do I do 🙁

    Here is our previous conversation:

    Hi Kevin,

    I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me on for doing long distance.
    I broke up with her last week after she got in my face about our problems. I’m doing the no-contact, but isn’t the lying about an ex (her first love of 5 years) to my face, enough of a reason to end it and NOT even consider going back??

    YOUR RESPONSE WAS:

    Hey,

    In my opinion, yes it is a reason to end it and never go back.

    MY FOLLOW UP:
    Thanks Kevin. I figured the same, but it’s difficult. I dont think she cheated on me, but she did lie. They’re clearly on good terms but I think her ex wants nothing romantic with her as he is happy in his new relationship.

    We ended up breaking up arguing… she yelled at me and hung up on me.. i said things to her after that she said made her feel like a monster after I said how inconsiderate she was, etc… She messaged me the next day and tried to get back together the next day, and I said no…then she messaged me and said ‘good luck with your career’ and that was it. my last message was basically telling her its healthy for us to stop and that i dont want to be on bad terms and i feel we should talk, and told her its up to HER to call me as I wont message her again. apparently she is at ease now according to mutual friends. I think its because the relationship was emotionally draining the last 4 months.

    I’m really missing her and don’t know if i should ever get in touch with her .. its been 14 days… Should I try to get in touch soon and have a proper mature discussion about us breaking up? It just bothers me so much how we had something so good and it just crashed and burned. For some reason I keep thinking we should try again in the future as we do have a deep bond and according to 2 mutual friends, she is battling through some depression which caused her to reach out to her ex whenever she felt insecure with us doing distance. Does NOT justify it.. but I feel sorry for her in that she was battling that stuff…

    How should I proceed. Is it still worth a gamble in the future if she was battling herself internally (due to depression/neediness,), should she stabilize her life. Or is it not even worth it given what I found out (hiding her ex, even if it was just as a friend).

    Basically, she is emotionally unstable …but do you feel like giving her a second chance in lets say 6 months or a year, is a bad idea? Apparently she is at ease now with us being over as it was draining her. But she was apparently very hurt by what I said, and is now moving on and is at peace.
    I don’t want to let her slip away completely as I want that potential chance.. so should I call her in 2 weeks and want to talk about the breakup, and maybe getting back together once we get some stability back in our own lives… or should I just leave it all up to her to get in touch (which one friend says may be a very long time given how hurt she was and now she is trying to move on).

    YOUR SECOND RESPONSE:
    Hey,

    In my opinion, you’ll be avoiding a lot of stress by cutting her from your life and moving on. Emotional instability is not something that can be fixed easily. And it can only be fixed if SHE decides to work on it. Even then it might take years depending on what caused her issues. She already lied to you once, and there’s a good chance she will do it again. Emotionally unstable people somehow believe they are entitled to do anything (in your case lying and maybe even cheating) because of their emotions.

    I will recommend you do NC for at least 3 months. If after that, you still want her back, then get back in touch with her. She won’t move on so quickly, and you will still have a decent chance of getting her back even after 3 months. But at least, you will be sure that you are not making a big mistake since you’ve had enough enough time to get over the “missing her” phase. Also, I’ll recommend highly that you start dating during these 3 months.
    ___

    So Kevin,

    I called her and asked if she saw us getting back together but she told me she doesnt see us getting together, that we arent meant to be, and that she doesnt feel the same about us and that she is becoming happy again.

    I hung up and was quite sad, and also angry, because of the lies i know she said… so i called her 3 days later and told her what i knew… she flipped at me but never apologized, deflected questions, hung up on me and said “dont call me again” and then texted me “so much for making peace… you crushed me and im crying…so have a nice life!”

    Ouch.But I feel its like she would never admit guilt or that she was in the wrong at all!

    I really hate how we ended but I needed to tell her the truth because i had a hard time swallowing the pill of her lies. So please Kevin, how do i make this better/good terms? 🙁

    • Kevin July 10, 2014, 9:36 am

      Do you still want to get back together with her? Do you see a future with her and long and healthy relationship with her?

      • helpneeded123 July 10, 2014, 12:31 pm

        I feel right now, it’s impossible. We are in different cities for 3 years now. SHe told me she cant see herself leaving her hometown, so the only way I could make it work is after I leave my position in 3 years and come to her town. Being a realist, she will probably find someone else. I guess I probably will too. But for me, she was ‘the one’. But the relationship just became so toxic the last little bit because of the pressures of me being away, her lying, and now me exposing her and telling her off (not in a rude way, but a stern way). And she said she doesnt feel we are meant to be. I chalk this up to her immaturity (as do my friends) because she basically needs to learn to be single and grow up a bit. I feel we can make it work if the stars align, but i feel there is no chance of that happening now given the distance and animosity that is between us. I just hate that she still did not apologize for her lies (stubborn girl who avoids all guilt), and told me to never call her again. Who says that after a 2.5 year relationship to someone they ‘loved’? I just don’t understand her.

        • Kevin July 11, 2014, 8:55 am

          Hey,

          I am sorry you are in this situation. But the way I see it, unless she realizes her mistakes and apologize for it, there’s no way you can have a healthy relationship. You will have a lot of trust issues and resentment towards her if she doesn’t. And from what you said, it seems she is not ready to accept her mistakes, let alone make the efforts to rebuild the trust in the relationship.

          So, why don’t you just let it go? Just cut all contact with her and try to move on. I know you feel like that if you get an apology from her you might get closure or if you two end things on good terms, you will feel better. But trust me you won’t. It’s your mind’s way of NOT LETTING GO. Your mind is trying to hold on to someone that you loved and that is precious to you. And it’s manipulating you into thinking that if those things happen, only then you will be able to move on. But the truth is, even if those things happen, it won’t be any easier to move on. In fact, it might get harder. My recommendation is that you give up all hope of getting an apology from her, or getting her back, cut all contact with her and just try to move on.

          • helpneeded123 August 6, 2014, 7:13 pm

            Kevin,

            Wow. 3 weeks after that phone call, she put “In a relationship” On facebook with someone else (according to a friend; I deleted her after I told her what I knew). Which means she was seeing someone else when I called her (clearly it takes time to go FB official with someone). So she didn’t even tell me on the phone when I called her that she was seeing someone.
            Nor did she admit any mistakes. Nor did she take time to ‘find herself’. She has not been single since the age of 15 (had relationship from 15-17, 17-22, 22-25 with me, and now with someone else). I feel so blinded that this girl can jump so quickly after being with me for 2.5 years and hinting at an engagement ring 4 months prior to our breakup.
            I am at a loss for words lol. What do you make of this girl?

          • Kevin August 7, 2014, 12:38 am

            She is a serial dater. And there’s a good chance her new rebound is going to last for a long time as well. Sorry to tell you this. But you will better off moving on. If you want, you can contact her after NC and give it one last try.

  • Rachel July 13, 2014, 10:46 am

    Hi Kevin
    So me and my bf just broke up from a 3 year relationship. The first 2 years were really good. In this last year it’s been a little difficult we’d fight but always seem to work through it all. In the last 3 or 4 months it’s gotten really bad we live together so it makes everything a little harder. About 2 months ago he had gone to a bachelor party and a picture got put up on fb of him and this girl I of course freaked out and he apologized tremendously and blamed it on his friend (who I do not like because he wants to break us up) we got past the situation but then a few days after that we were fighting pretty much everyday. He says he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. He still cares says I’m a really good person and all that but he wants to see what’s else is out there. I’ve talked with his mom about all his and she has told me that his biologic dad was extremely bipolar. In the last month of fighting he’s been so back a fourth about everything one day he doesn’t wanna be with me then the next he does. ( that’s where the bipolarness comes out he can’t decide on what he wants) For me it’s been an extremely hard emotional rollercoaster. I know what I want from him and I know he can give it to me. In the last 2 week’s we broke up but bc we live together it’s been hard for me at least. He’s been out every night with his friends and when he is here it’s only to sleep and he sleeps on the couch he says hes moving out but has yet to make that move and I honestly won’t believe him till he’s actually moving his stuff because he’s said it so many times in the past that he was. I’ve been trying the nc rule but it seems like when I start to be ok with the situation he says something that pulls me back in. What should I do?

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 12:14 pm

      If he has officially broken up with you, you should offer to move out so you can start NC properly. If not, offer him to go for couples therapy.

  • Jay July 13, 2014, 2:45 pm

    Have a question. My boyfriend of 5 years and I just broke up 4 days ago. I did not beg him to take me back- though I did say that I didn’t understand why he would give up and not try to work on things rather than possibly live with regret. We both stopped trying and making an effort which is what lead to the demise of our relationship. We ended on a good note, said we would be friends and he said maybe we could try again in the future.
    Before we broke up we took a “break” for about 2 weeks. He suggested that we keep things quiet that we were on a break because we were going to work on things. Later on I found out he had been hanging out with another girl during this time.

    I’m following the 5 step rule since the official break up. Do you think there’s a chance for the future?

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 6:59 am

      Yes there is a chance.

      • Jay July 16, 2014, 4:18 pm

        I have found out that I’m not the only one he pushed out of his life, he’s also pushed away his whole family.
        Why would he do this?
        What should I do now?

  • Sasha July 14, 2014, 11:47 am

    Here is my situation. I met D last year in the spring and we hit it off immediately. At first our relationship was purely sexual but feelings developed and one month and a half later we made it official. About a month after that he was basically living with me. He had his own drawer at my house and everything. He was very attentive in most of my emotional needs but lacked the communication I needed. In turn I looked to other men for attention. Which I admit was wrong. He went through my phone and found the messages and instead of talking it out he started to not be as affectionate to me. I noticed all of it. Then I moved away because I was finished with school. We still tried to work it out but the trust issues just couldn’t be sorted out from a distance. Then I became pregnant which was an even bigger issue since he doesn’t want children. We went back and forth for months, I became very belligerent to the point I would threaten numerous times and finally I just backed away. I ended up having a miscarriage and didn’t tell him until recently in May. I basically apologized for everything and we forgave each other. I was fine with it just being that since I had started to date someone else. But D asked for reconciliation in the future. Long story short. We slept together last week, he has other women he sleeps with. I don’t like it but it is selfish of me since i’m doing the same so I accept it. He says he’s not looking to be tied down by anyone right now, he’s just having fun. He isn’t dating or any of that. Just meeting people and going out. He also says that because of how we ended he’s nervous that I might revert back to being that way. When I suggested that we don’t speak or sleep together anymore, he says he can be my friend without sleeping with me since he is over me but he wouldn’t like it if he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. My concern is that when he wants to be in a relationship with someone he isn’t going to choose me even though he says he would definitely consider me when it does get to that point. I don’t want to even come to that point and just walk away completely but we both agreed had I never moved or if we had met when we were the people we are now, we would still be together. Does this make sense?

  • Ben Fox July 15, 2014, 5:01 am

    Hi Kevin, so were to start, I’m in a bit of a pickle.
    My (ex) girlfriend and I have been with each other for 9 years, happy and in a very loving relationship with her. In the past shes droped massive hints to my mother about marriage, until this May 2014.
    We met during a ski season and just hit it off from day 1, It was like finding a lost key that opened up a locker that you never knew about,
    So I work seasonal jobs away from her. it would be 6 months on 6 months away at a time, we would talk every other day and when were together we were the envy of all our friend, people would commented and asked both of us for advice on how to keep relationships strong over long distances.

    Sometimes she would come and do a season with me or we would travel together.
    We both view each other as best friends 1st, even now!

    any way cash has always been tight my end and I had got to know and become part of her family so I moved in to her family home when I was back.
    (i hope you can tell how close we had become)

    So I after 6 years I came to the decisions that she was the ONE but never had the funds to get the ring until last summer.

    My girl had just been traveling with her sis for 7 weeks and was on her way back … But her dad died the day before she got back. This was at the end of November. We were to head off for a ski season together, I had pland that were on top of a mountain with the world at our feet I was going to pop the BIG question. Needless to say the next few months were very hard and I decided that it was the wrong time to ask for her hand!

    So 4 months pass with her being a bit distant (i had just thought it was due to her sudden loss) and she just comes out with it … she needs a brake … but in her words not a full split (i was left very confused).
    Well I was devastated! I had just committed to stop traveling and had made plans to get a real job and work close to her home and we would settle down.
    So I have been living with her (sharing her bed) and living with family for the past 3 months looking for work and a house away fome her.

    She’s has now asked me to give her some space for the next 6 months which I’m happy to do (with a heavy hart) but I’m filled with this fear that her sister is turning her against me and that I’m missing out on helping her though this very hard time. A time when I though that our bonds would get deeper.

    I am currently living at a summer camp for kids but its only for 4 weeks and I know I have to give her space but at some point I will have to return to her home to get some of my stuff as after 9 years we have a lot of stuff in stored at her home.

    What do I do I have made all the worst mistakes being needy and depressed and am now trying not to contact her unless it’s super important? She knows she devastated me and tells me she hates what she’s done to me and still tells me she loves me but if she loved me why would she want to hurt me like this, the reasons given for the brake were mostly true, things like I tended to rely on her to much and just being bit messy and disorganized . things that I am working on to rectify in my life any way.
    I have read lots of your articles and would like to know I if you think there’s a chance to remedy the relationship?!? Thanks for any hep you can give.

    • Caring friend September 14, 2014, 6:46 pm

      I am not Kevin, but I hope he replies to you very soon!!! If her Mom has been dropping massive hints to you about marriage and her dad died, it I think it would be the right time for you to propose to her, to show her you care and you are there for her. It sounds like you are very close to the family. I am not an expert, but it seems to me that 9 years is long enough for the girl to wait for a proposal. If her dad died and she did not get one, she may be wondering if you are the type if man who will be rock steady for her in the future. Go ahead Ben. It sounds like you love this girl and the family loves you too. Not every girl needs a big diamond ring. Ask her and see what she says. I hope Kevin replies to your question too as he may have a different take. I am a middle aged woman with 4 brothers. I have never been married. Many men just let the train pull out of the station for fear of making a mistake. Ig you don’t want to lose here, I don’t think you will lose her by asking her to marry you. She will either say yes or you will open a new line of discussion with her. Don’t miss the train! Good luck.

  • daisy18 August 10, 2014, 10:34 am

    hi kevin,
    im writting to seek your advice again coz im tangled up with confusion.
    me n my ex have broken up for 6months already..we havnt seen each other in those months at all but durin those months weve exchanged several texts back n forth. until just a few days ago we met at a club. not sober and we all know what happened after that. so, the following weeks conversations on text boomed..like never durin the past 6months i kinda felt like we were textn like when we were dating again..
    thing is, i cant open up to him about how i feel and that theres still a part of me that wants to get back together (altho i have completely gotten over our breakup and ive dated a guy in between those 6months) hes just always busy with his friends on his free time and i cant complain abt why we cant hang out or why he wont make time 2 hang out with me coz im not in the position to (not his gf).. and now these thoughts just eat up my head..i cant even ask if he is seein anyone or is intrested in anyone..i hinder myself coz im scared but these thoughts just eat me up..
    i told myself before..im not looking back and he i no longer want h..but until that night “happened”
    please tell me whats right to do
    thanks.x

  • Clarissa September 8, 2014, 10:04 am

    So my ex texted me last night & we’ve been broken up for about 4 days now, I didn’t send him any messages like I usually do while he’s at work & today he asked me if I needed a ride to school (probably making up excuses to talk to me or see me bc he rarely ever took me to school while we were together) & I replied back & we were talking for a while but since it’s flooded right now around the Phoenix area in Arizona i told him I can’t go to school & now he isn’t talking to me. Did I mess up my chances by replying back to him ?

    • Kevin September 8, 2014, 11:39 am

      Not necessarily. As long as you don’t act needy, you are fine.

      • Clarissa September 8, 2014, 3:46 pm

        I keep checking his instagram & he started following all of the girks that like him or think he’s cute & now I saw he followed his ex he was with before me. He said that what they had isn’t even a thing & he never want anything to do with her because she hurt him bad, she cheated on him while they were together. I don’t know if he’s doing this to get me jealous or what ? I just wanna message him & ask for him back but that’ll be the wrong thing to do right ? I know he has too much pride to chase after me so idk what’s gonna happen …

        • Clarissa September 8, 2014, 4:31 pm

          I wanna just tell him I miss him but that’ll ruin everything right ? Because I was doing the no contact thing & I was doing positive things that make me happy & he saw that. He still has some of my passwords for things so I know he saw guys messaging me because now all the messages are deleted & I didn’t even open or reply to them. Maybe he’s just doing this to get me jealous ?

          • Clarissa September 8, 2014, 4:54 pm

            I just told him I miss him 🙁 I think I messed up, I just couldn’t hold back any longer. I ruined my chances right ?! 🙁 I’m so scafed

          • Kevin September 9, 2014, 10:36 am

            In that case I don’t think you are ready to stay in touch with him. You should do NC for at least 30 days. You didn’t ruin your chances but you should start no contact if you want to get him back.

  • Clarissa September 11, 2014, 9:31 pm

    So I just found out something huge ! My boyfriend (or ex) left me out of the blue basically & he started talking to a bunch of girls, especially girls I didn’t approve of him talking to because I knew their intentions. & I was really hurt, I was wondering why he was doing me so wrong & leave me like I never ever meant a thing to him ? Well, I found out today that I guess he thinks I cheated on him. So what do I do ? Because I didn’t cheat on him so how do I prove that to him ? How do I get him back without being pushy about talking to me about the whole topic & how do I tell him I didn’t cheat & have him believe me ?

    • Clarissa September 11, 2014, 9:42 pm

      But also he’s already talking to a girl & they’re moving pretty fast. so should I just let that play out & then tell him after they’re done ? Or tell him now ?

      • Kevin September 12, 2014, 8:38 am

        If he “guessed” that you cheated on him. And instead of talking to you like an adult he decided to leave you and date other girls then it means he is very immature and you should stay away from him. Even if you two get back together, what is to stop him from “guessing” something else about you and leave again?

  • Clarissa September 17, 2014, 9:54 pm

    Well, my ex is now dating this new girl. We just broke up 2 weeks ago & they started dating a week ago. He had told me that he wanted me back & then out of nowhere maybe because he saw that I was talking to someone new, he just stopped talking to me & I texted him asking him what’s going on & he told me that he’s happy rn with that new girl …. everyone is telling me that they won’t last because they rushed into things pretty fast. But they really seem happy & she keeps posting pictures of them together. The worst part is, I talked to her & asked her to treat him good & make him happy & i told her all the things that make him happy & everything he loves …. so I basically gave him away … what do I do now ? I need some advice on the whole situation ..

    • Kevin September 18, 2014, 6:58 am

      It’s most probably a rebound. Follow the 5 step plan.

      • Clarissa September 19, 2014, 1:10 pm

        I mean, they really do seem happy. I know she is a rebound but I feel like they might actually last even though they rushed into things. So I’m not sure if I should worry about it or not … I’m following the 5 step plan though because I want to get over this already.

        • Kevin September 20, 2014, 8:57 am

          Yeah, that’s common. Most rebounds look happy simply because they are in the honeymoon stage of their relationship.

    • Whitney September 4, 2015, 10:55 am

      Definitely a rebound. Just let the chips fall as they may. I know that sounds nearly impossible right now but you have to or you will push him even further into her arms. It most likely won’t last, however, anything’s possible. If it’s meant to be it will be just that. Keep your head up and try to enjoy yourself.

  • Rodrigo September 23, 2014, 4:45 pm

    Hey,
    I see ur advice is geared more towards dating couples.. What about married couples? I dated my wife for 4yrs and married on the 5th.. We have 1.8 yrs married.. Everything was great until she went to her home country and when she came back she said she wanted to leave because she had realized that she was not happy here… But everything was going well before she left.. I confronted her and she told me it was just the lifestyle she didn’t like.. However she has doesn’t talk to me at all and said she is looking for a job in her country to leave… What do u recommend? I did screw up at the beginning by begging and buying her flowers and crying but now we are both getting a silent treatment while living in the same house.
    Thank you

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:45 am

      Hey Rodrigo,

      I’ll suggest you should do limited contact for a while. And to be honest, I think your chances are pretty slim. You can do limited contact for a while, and then try building attraction once again. But if it doesn’t work, you should accept it and move on.

  • Shannon October 2, 2014, 8:46 pm

    So me and my ex dated for a year and 3 months, we were awkward at first but then we got very comfortable with each other and with time knew everything about each other and we told each other things nobody else knew. But since I’m a few towns over and we don’t go to the same school, the distance was hard. We had to resort sky ping and snap chat etc. But my problem is that I broke up with him and I feel like it’s all my fault. He has a new girlfriend now and I feel like it’s a rebound relationship but I’m not exactly sure. Anyway my point is, I love him with all my heart but after the break up he had called me very rude names that made me cry a lot and feel bad about myself. So my question is is my ex worth it? Should I still be working on trying to fix things with him? Because he just completely is a jerk to me all the time.

  • Grace Kim October 28, 2014, 5:16 am

    Me and my ex had been together for 4 months. We recently broke up because he had depression, and we both didn’t know if we had the potential to handle the risks. So we really didn’t want to end our relationship at all, because we still did loved each other.

    We decided to continue texting and slowly distant each other until we fully moved on. However it doesn’t seem to be working on me, because I wish to get back with him…. I was thinking of waiting for a month to see if its okay, but my friends say that a month is way too long to wait to see if I could get back with him. (They didn’t like the fact that I broke up with him)…

    Should I get back with my ex? If so.. how long should I wait..?

    • Kevin October 28, 2014, 10:44 am

      I don’t think a month is too long. If he has depression, it might take even more than a month for him to get back on track, let alone get over you. I think you should contact him after a month, if he is receptive and warm, then continue, if not, then give it another month.

  • John November 8, 2014, 9:46 pm

    Is it EVER a good idea to get with an ex who cheated?

    • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:16 am

      I guess in a very rare case. If your ex is willing to work on whatever caused him to cheat. He/She has agreed to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust. And you are ready to forgive him/her and work on rebuilding the trust.

  • Whitney September 4, 2015, 10:48 am

    My ex and I broke up in May, so it’s been about 4 months, and I’m not sure about getting back together or not. I’ve starting seeing a guy that I know has been interested in dating me for a long time, but I was in a relationship with my ex so it never went beyond a “Hi” and “Bye.” Now, I feel like he’s getting serious and beginning to develop deep feelings for me, but I’m still in love with my ex. I’m torn. My ex has begged and pleaded that I take him back but I’m still hung up on how he broke up with me back in May, and he hasn’t proven to me that he’s changed like he said he is/would. However, a part of me knows/feels that he genuinely loves me and wants to give me the world, but he messed up big time! Over these few months of us not being together, but often talking and reminiscing, I’ve begun to gain trust and faith in him again. Then, I come back to reality and realize that I have a man who claims to love me, takes me out, and makes me feel great. Sadly, that’s not enough. I still feel a void that I know he tried to fill but is relentlessly unsuccessful. So my question is, do I go back to what I’m familiar and comfortable with and I know there’s love there or should I continue on in this endeavor to see where it really goes and if his feelings and intentions are genuine?

    • Kevin September 7, 2015, 5:04 am

      Hey Whitney,

      I think you shouldn’t commit to either one of them for the time being. Just be honest about your confusion. And if possible, take some time apart from both of them. Let your ex know what you expect from him if you decide to give him another chance. See how he reacts and if he makes any effort to make the changes you expect him to make. As long as you are not committing, you don’t have to choose one over the other.

  • Ben April 24, 2017, 5:23 am

    My girlfriend of 5 1/2 years requested a break out of the blue. Two weeks later she wanted to break up. We live together and have a dog. She suffers from severe anxiety occasionally. We both work from home and it is a small space. In the interest of respect for her request for space, I volunteered to move out. I crashed at my sisters spot for a couple months. In that time, I’ve made every mistake you outlined in your five step program and driven her further away from me. We attempted a couple dates over the last couple months but she canceled our last date telling me she was seeing someone else. It should also be said that we had discussed engagement, children, home ownership. We have a joint bank account, dual ownership in vehicles, both names on our lease and a dog together. She and I went ring shopping with my grandmother. I am having a hard time accepting her move away from this relationship as anything but a rash one. I was sick of not living at home so I moved back and she is moving out. She is coming by tmrw to pick up her remaining things. I don’t want to beg but I am going to encourage couples counseling sessions and try to get her to see the positives in the relationship but ultimately I am emotionally drained from fighting for this union. She is baby crazy and really wants marriage. I fear if I don’t intervene, she will run into this other man’s arms and rush into a marriage and children. She and I Spent so many years building a proper foundation and I feel that time and commitment isn’t being respected. Do you have any advice for how I should handle seeing her tmrw? Is it wrong that I demand ownership of the dog? I don’t want to appear manipulative.

    • Kevin April 27, 2017, 3:43 am

      Hi Ben,

      I am sorry you are going through this. I am late to reply to your comment and I hope the meeting went well. I think you should do at least a month of no contact. I know you are afraid of her moving on, but not giving her space is just going to push her further away. By giving her space, you will make her miss you and second guess her decision. You need to heal, both emotionally, physically and mentally before you contact her again. If the breakup came out of the blue, then it was probably a loss of attraction and connection. You need to get her attracted to you again before you can start rebuilding a connection. And to attract her again, you need to be the best version of yourself. Read this article for a more detailed plan.

  • roudha June 7, 2017, 11:19 pm

    hey, I was down for the getting back test and I’m waiting for the results you have mentioned that you’ll send me them in 5 min but I didn’t receive any answer 🙁

    • Kevin June 8, 2017, 1:33 am

      Hey,

      There is a glitch in our email software. We are working to fix it and it should be up and running soon. Thank you for your patience.

  • X June 26, 2017, 3:53 pm

    My ex cheated on me and broke up with me 3 days ago. He told me when breaking up that I was the best girlfriend he’s had and probably will have. We only dated for a few month and saw each other often. I do love him, as we were good together and am prepared to forgive the cheating. I was clingy and needy at the moment of breakup but then we said bye via text that day and I’ve not messaged since. We work near each other so there’s chance we will see each other during no contact. How do I deal with that?
    Also it’s his birthday during no contact (day 24) can I break no contact then?

    • Kevin June 27, 2017, 1:15 am
      • X June 27, 2017, 8:12 am

        I’m still unsure about the birthday or if I see him. I was going to send a picture message with a soft toy he liked and just simply say happy birthday. Like a birthday card, then go back to no contact for a week or so then initiate contact with a question about something he could help me with. I feel he’s too sensitive to forgive me if I forgot his birthday.

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