Why would anyone want to get their ex back? Why would you want to take back someone who walked out on you? Why would you want to start a relationship that already ran its course? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

These are all legitimate questions that some people have about reconciliation. But not those who do want to get their ex back. They have a very simple answer to all these questions. And their answer is “I am still love my ex”. And as we all know, according to the media and the film industry, love is the only thing that matters in this world.

Now, I am not against reconciliation. In fact, this entire website is on how to win your ex back. But I am against the idea of putting your ex before your happiness. The only reason to get back together with your ex boyfriend or your ex girlfriend is if you want to give the relationship another try and not because you need your ex.

cupid

Cupid doesn’t always have your best interest at heart.

The fact that you love your ex, you miss your ex, or that you are miserable without your ex is never a good reason to get back together. Your mind will trick you into thinking anything just to avoid the pain of breakup. So, I won’t believe anything that your mind that tells you after the breakup.

Here are a few reasons that your mind will give you (and you will try to give to your friends and family), which are not really a good reason for reconciliation.

  • I love him/her
  • I can’t live without him/her
  • I can never find someone like him/her
  • He/She was my soulmate
  • He/She was the one
  • No one can ______ (insert some activity) like he/she used to do.
  • He/She made me happy (the most ridiculous reason. If they did make you happy, why are you so miserable now)
  • I am miserable without him/her.
  • I can’t imagine a life without him/her.

There could be many other variations of the above. You know it’s not a solid reason if you can see a desperation or neediness in it.

Now that being said, there could be many reasons for trying it again. I know a lot of cases where couples got back together and went on to live a happy life. I get emails from my readers that they got back together and are getting married in a few days. I get emails from readers that they got back together and they have never been happier. I get emails saying that they got back together two years ago and there relationship is getting stronger ever since.

Of course, those are not the only emails I get. I also get emails from readers saying that they got back together only to break up again. And if I have to guess, I’d say the reason they decide to get back together was one of the above.

And it’s not just my personal experience. There are cases all over the Internet of people getting back together and staying in a happy relationship after that. Let’s look at some reasons where it would be a good idea to get back together.

1. The breakup was a rash decision

Sometimes, people break up because of ego. Sometimes people give up on a great relationship too easily instead of working on it. These types of breakups are usually a rash decision and not really thought out. Someone says something, and his or her partner over reacts and leaves him or her.

2. You Had a Great Relationship

great relationship with exNow you have to understand I am not talking about the Honeymoon stage of the relationship. You know the time where everything about your partner seems perfect and you never fight and you just can’t get over how amazing they are.

No, that does not define a great relationship. That’s just an average relationship with an average honeymoon period. A great relationship is based on honesty, respect, trust and communication. How would you rate your relationship on these four factors? If you think it was great in all four areas, then you can go ahead and say that your relationship with your ex was great. And I sincerely wish you the best in winning your ex back.

3. You have a child together.

A divorce or a separation can be really hard on a child. If there is a chance of getting back together and giving your relationship another chance, then you should do it. It’s worth a try. However, if you were in an abusive or toxic relationship, then separation is much better than being together. Nothing is worse for a child than to grow up in a toxic environment.

4. Circumstantial Breakup

A lot of times, people breakup simply because of circumstances. Maybe one of you had to go to another city for college or business and you didn’t want to try long distance. Sometimes, you wanted to try long distance but it didn’t work so you had to break up. If such is the case, then it is worth a try to get back together provided the circumstances have changed.

5. Your Friends And Family Think It’s a Good Idea To Get Back Together

In most cases, your friends and family will tell you to just move on and forget about your ex. I wouldn’t say they are always right in doing so. However, if they tell you that you should try getting back together with your ex, then it means that the relationship with your ex is probably worth saving. Your friends know you better than anyone else and if they think that your ex is worth giving it another try, then it won’t hurt to try reconciling.

6. You see some serious potential in the relationship

relationship potentialThis one is little tricky because anyone who thinks they are in love will believe there is a potential in the relationship with their ex. But it’s worth putting here. If you think that you really can have a great future with your ex, then it might be worth trying to pursue them. However, make sure you don’t spend your entire life just obsessing over your ex and hoping they will take you back. You should just try to get back together once and if it didn’t work, you should move on. Sometimes, a false hope can keep you holding on to lost cause. And before you know it, you’ve spent your entire life chasing the white whale.

Using The No Contact Period

After you break up, it’s almost impossible to make a rational decision about whether or not you should get back with your ex. Your mind will definitely convince you somehow that it’s worth it. You will ignore all the problems you had and will only concentrate on the good things. You will make a montage of all the good things about your ex in your mind and play it over and over again until you are convinced they are the only one for you.

This is why the no contact rule is extremely important. When you stop all communication with your ex for at least 30 days, your mind starts thinking clear and you are in a better position to make a life changing decision. When you realize you don’t need your ex to be happy in your life, you can weigh the pros and cons of your relationship without being biased.

So before you make any decision, make sure you have gone through the no contact period for at least 30 days. And if after no contact, you still want to get back together, then you can go ahead with the rest of the plan.

 

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191 Comments on "Is There Ever a Good Reason To Get Your Ex Back?"

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Christian
Christian

Me and my significant other been going on for 2 years. We split the first time cause of distance when I started working in the oil field. She moved on and it destroyed me. But I kept doing me through and through. I ended up getting a out of no where call from her where she called me missing me and how she split with her other dude cause she just couldn’t keep me out of her head anymore. So I jumped quit my job and moved home to work on things. Things were hard for the first month. But then things fell together and we were stronger then ever. We are into cars the car meets. She would even work on my car was amazing. Loved the same music so it was always a badass time on driving places or just chilling out. Amazing bed time. Just always great. Well recently she thinks I came onto her sister because of a comment her sister made. Well now her mom hates me and her sister and my ex girl can’t seem to believe me. I never had any intentions of ever doing anything. I can admit me and her sister were close maybe too close but last time she hated the fact me and her sister didn’t hang or didn’t talk. So I spent more time into being her friend. But I’d never have any intention in doing that. I’m really not a horn dog when it comes to people outside my relationship. We ended things. I moved out. I got my own place I just damn. We tried working on things and it just fell back too she couldn’t trust me. I tried calling her and got ignored about a week ago. I just don’t know where to go from here. I love this girl. Maybe I love her too much. I don’t know what she’s up too now a days But I’m no one too question somebody. I just don’t know where to go now with this situation I don’t text her or call her even though as much as I want to . She s a good girl she really is.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I suggest giving her some space for now to cool off first before talking to her again about it or explaining to her. Perhaps even get her sister to try to explain that nothing happened and clarify the situation.

Emma
Emma

Hi
I was with my partner for 3.5 years and we split up about 6 weeks ago. He is 24 and I am 31. He says he never wants kids and I love kids but unsure if I want my own. It’s hard because I think my body clock is telling me to find a guy that wants them but if I found one or even if my ex changed his mind, I think I would freak out.
He is the kindest man I have ever met and I know he loves me, but there is also a part of me that doesn’t believe him and tries to sabotage everything- even without realising it sometimes. I don’t know if it’s because he is not for me, my body clock or my issues from past relationships. Anyway, I went round to his the other day to give each others stuff back. I had intended to keep it brief but we ended up talking for hours (not about the relationship) and had such a laugh and ended up having dinner together. We hugged a lot and I knew he wanted to kiss me but we didn’t and I went home. He then text me asking if I would have stayed over then again saying I didn’t have to answer that. I just thanked him for a lovely night. We text a couple of days later and I was honest and said that I had loved spending time with him again and he hasn’t replied. We love each other but there are doubts. I am so confused and heartbroken. I also feel like I have let myself be codependent with him instead of focusing on my life, which I am committed to doing now no matter what happens. I really want to make it work in the future though.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Emma,

I think you honestly need to sit down and figure out what it is you want. It looks like the crossroads here is between him, or starting a family, so it’s important to know which comes first to you, and stick to it. You wouldn’t want to regret down the road on a decision you felt wasn’t made based on thorough logic but whim of the moment and it’s too late to go back in time to change anything.

Kevin
Kevin

I’m a bit at a crossroads here… so about 5 months ago now me and my Ex broke up, she said she saw me as a friend, saw me as family, didn’t see me in that way and so on. At the time I lost it and was pretty devastated. I followed your plan and it worked. During no contact she was seeing someone but that didn’t last, I then saw her out with her friends (who really like me) she was going mental at me, I didn’t react, I think she also found out I was dating someone and I don’t think she liked that. I then left it for awhile and it worked we got back together, but we were taking it slowly, mainly because she’s so busy with work, uni etc.

We were doing really great, she was messaging me loads, she came over to mine during the week and we spent all weekend together, then all of a sudden it was like a switch had changed, she went really cold, I gave her some space and wasn’t pushing to speak to her. I think it has something to do with her EX who she was seeing almost a year and a half ago now, he has caused some trouble between us in the past. The following weekend I called her, she hung up on me to speak to someone else, she said she’d message me but never did. To try and not be too soft I decided to question her about it because I can’t be too nice all the time, otherwise she’d just walk all over me, she seemed okay until the following day she just lost it over the phone as I was on my way to a family meal. Again she told me all the usual things, I see you as family/ a friend. I tried not to react in the same way as before because obviously I’ve been through it once so I knew not to react the same way. I haven’t made contact with her since, I’m not as upset this time round, probably because I’ve dealt with this once before, but do you think its best to follow the 30 day rule again? I’ve seen she’s been looking at my social media posts and as you suggest I’ve been keeping away from all of hers.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I think since she sees you as a friend, its within your role to create certain sparks to get her interested and build upon that with her. Instead of NC again, which didn’t seem to change her attitude, how about this time around, you could try thinking back to when you first dated her at the beginning and how you won her heart. Perhaps it may work again?

Kevin
Kevin

I do find it hard to believe that shes just sees me that why, she does speak about me very highly to others and she does say a lot of positive stuff to me. She is very hard working, and a lot of people, including herself would agree with that haha. Maybe you are right perhaps I’ll give her a bit more space and then try and do something for her.

my only concern is how I would go about first making contact with her? I don’t want to go completely over the top and start to look desperate.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could always refer to this article on what you should/shouldn’t do when making contact with her once again.

Raymond Reddinton
Raymond Reddinton

I broke up with my ex because i over reacted to what she said. she said she did not want to see me again because I was supposed to go and see her and give her some money. and i took it that she had broken up with me and she wanted us to continue with the relationship she apologized and begged me to stay but I Still left.Its been a year and some months now but I have acted desperately in getting her back but she says she no more loves me but she does not know what the future holds.What can i do now?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Raymond,

Since it has been over a year, perhaps you can refer to this article as a guideline to getting your ex back. I would suggest that you start off as friends first and work your way from there if you really want her back.

Edgar
Edgar

Hi Kevin. Thank you for your welcomed advise. For me, I dated for three years before marrying my ex. Then 21 months later into the marriage, she just packed and left. I respected her decision though I didn’t agree with it. We’ve never had even a single fight all these five years we’ve been together. I’m a bit traditional and believe in the “till death do us apart” vows.
It all started out when she came across a series of smses on my phone which she misconstrued to think I was cheating on her. This saw the intervention of both her parents and mine who worked to repair the damage. She later came to understand the context of the sms and came back home (she had moved out temporarily during this “sms-gate”). Two weeks later, I walked home and found her gloomy and non-communicating. Upon challenging her, she said that she was not in love with me anymore and wanted out. I managed to hold onto her, convincing her not move out for three weeks. She finally decided to move out. Its been four weeks after she moved out. I’ve kept the occasional contact (an sms here, IM there, Facebook post etc) but she’d totally refused to meet me and was always rude and cold in our communication (tho she continued to profess her love for me through mutual friends). Yesterday by chance, we met at our fave cineplex. She was in the company of a man. She proceeded to sit on our favourite spot in the cinema hall (which means she sat next me for the duration of the movie. It was very awkward). After the show, I asked for a moment with her and tried talking to her. She insisted that she had made her decision to move on and that I should start divorce proceedings. I told her I still want to fight for her. What do you advise moving forward

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Edgar,

I’m sorry to hear this. I think since the divorce proceedings has not started, it’s still possible to win her back but I think it’s important to communicate and find out what went wrong. Even if it isn’t through her, perhaps her parents or friends to understand the situation better. You can’t fix what you don’t understand so first figure that out and see if it’s salvageable from there.

Tonika Heath
Tonika Heath

Hey Kevin! My name is Toni and my ex girlfriend of 14 months just broke up with me 4 days ago. She said she needed to focus on herself and grow. During the relationship, I kept telling her the exact same things she just wouldn’t do it. Her friends and some of her family members had a big influence in her decision to break up with me. We started off long distance (11 hours driving) and I ended up losing my apartment and my car in the same week. She offered to drive there let me stay with her at her parents house which I did and we were staying from January to September. We got our own place finally last month. Everything was fine so I thought. We had a couple nights of bad moods before it happened. I suggested we take a little break so we didn’t do or say things that we’d regret and figure things out. Then she just broke up me through text message while I was at work. I don’t know what to do. I built a life here and I don’t think I can just go back to where I’m from. I’m so lost on what to do. Can you help me?

Fred
Fred

Forgot to also ask, I ordered something online for myself and my ex. this was about 3 weeks ago now, its only just been delivered today, If she tries to contact me regarding it and tries to start a conversation is it best I just ignore her?

X
X

My ex cheated on me and broke up with me 3 days ago. He told me when breaking up that I was the best girlfriend he’s had and probably will have. We only dated for a few month and saw each other often. I do love him, as we were good together and am prepared to forgive the cheating. I was clingy and needy at the moment of breakup but then we said bye via text that day and I’ve not messaged since. We work near each other so there’s chance we will see each other during no contact. How do I deal with that?
Also it’s his birthday during no contact (day 24) can I break no contact then?

X
X

I’m still unsure about the birthday or if I see him. I was going to send a picture message with a soft toy he liked and just simply say happy birthday. Like a birthday card, then go back to no contact for a week or so then initiate contact with a question about something he could help me with. I feel he’s too sensitive to forgive me if I forgot his birthday.

roudha
roudha

hey, I was down for the getting back test and I’m waiting for the results you have mentioned that you’ll send me them in 5 min but I didn’t receive any answer 🙁

Ben
Ben

My girlfriend of 5 1/2 years requested a break out of the blue. Two weeks later she wanted to break up. We live together and have a dog. She suffers from severe anxiety occasionally. We both work from home and it is a small space. In the interest of respect for her request for space, I volunteered to move out. I crashed at my sisters spot for a couple months. In that time, I’ve made every mistake you outlined in your five step program and driven her further away from me. We attempted a couple dates over the last couple months but she canceled our last date telling me she was seeing someone else. It should also be said that we had discussed engagement, children, home ownership. We have a joint bank account, dual ownership in vehicles, both names on our lease and a dog together. She and I went ring shopping with my grandmother. I am having a hard time accepting her move away from this relationship as anything but a rash one. I was sick of not living at home so I moved back and she is moving out. She is coming by tmrw to pick up her remaining things. I don’t want to beg but I am going to encourage couples counseling sessions and try to get her to see the positives in the relationship but ultimately I am emotionally drained from fighting for this union. She is baby crazy and really wants marriage. I fear if I don’t intervene, she will run into this other man’s arms and rush into a marriage and children. She and I Spent so many years building a proper foundation and I feel that time and commitment isn’t being respected. Do you have any advice for how I should handle seeing her tmrw? Is it wrong that I demand ownership of the dog? I don’t want to appear manipulative.

Whitney
Whitney

My ex and I broke up in May, so it’s been about 4 months, and I’m not sure about getting back together or not. I’ve starting seeing a guy that I know has been interested in dating me for a long time, but I was in a relationship with my ex so it never went beyond a “Hi” and “Bye.” Now, I feel like he’s getting serious and beginning to develop deep feelings for me, but I’m still in love with my ex. I’m torn. My ex has begged and pleaded that I take him back but I’m still hung up on how he broke up with me back in May, and he hasn’t proven to me that he’s changed like he said he is/would. However, a part of me knows/feels that he genuinely loves me and wants to give me the world, but he messed up big time! Over these few months of us not being together, but often talking and reminiscing, I’ve begun to gain trust and faith in him again. Then, I come back to reality and realize that I have a man who claims to love me, takes me out, and makes me feel great. Sadly, that’s not enough. I still feel a void that I know he tried to fill but is relentlessly unsuccessful. So my question is, do I go back to what I’m familiar and comfortable with and I know there’s love there or should I continue on in this endeavor to see where it really goes and if his feelings and intentions are genuine?

John
John

Is it EVER a good idea to get with an ex who cheated?

Grace Kim
Grace Kim

Me and my ex had been together for 4 months. We recently broke up because he had depression, and we both didn’t know if we had the potential to handle the risks. So we really didn’t want to end our relationship at all, because we still did loved each other.

We decided to continue texting and slowly distant each other until we fully moved on. However it doesn’t seem to be working on me, because I wish to get back with him…. I was thinking of waiting for a month to see if its okay, but my friends say that a month is way too long to wait to see if I could get back with him. (They didn’t like the fact that I broke up with him)…

Should I get back with my ex? If so.. how long should I wait..?

Shannon
Shannon

So me and my ex dated for a year and 3 months, we were awkward at first but then we got very comfortable with each other and with time knew everything about each other and we told each other things nobody else knew. But since I’m a few towns over and we don’t go to the same school, the distance was hard. We had to resort sky ping and snap chat etc. But my problem is that I broke up with him and I feel like it’s all my fault. He has a new girlfriend now and I feel like it’s a rebound relationship but I’m not exactly sure. Anyway my point is, I love him with all my heart but after the break up he had called me very rude names that made me cry a lot and feel bad about myself. So my question is is my ex worth it? Should I still be working on trying to fix things with him? Because he just completely is a jerk to me all the time.

Rodrigo
Rodrigo

Hey,
I see ur advice is geared more towards dating couples.. What about married couples? I dated my wife for 4yrs and married on the 5th.. We have 1.8 yrs married.. Everything was great until she went to her home country and when she came back she said she wanted to leave because she had realized that she was not happy here… But everything was going well before she left.. I confronted her and she told me it was just the lifestyle she didn’t like.. However she has doesn’t talk to me at all and said she is looking for a job in her country to leave… What do u recommend? I did screw up at the beginning by begging and buying her flowers and crying but now we are both getting a silent treatment while living in the same house.
Thank you

Clarissa
Clarissa

Well, my ex is now dating this new girl. We just broke up 2 weeks ago & they started dating a week ago. He had told me that he wanted me back & then out of nowhere maybe because he saw that I was talking to someone new, he just stopped talking to me & I texted him asking him what’s going on & he told me that he’s happy rn with that new girl …. everyone is telling me that they won’t last because they rushed into things pretty fast. But they really seem happy & she keeps posting pictures of them together. The worst part is, I talked to her & asked her to treat him good & make him happy & i told her all the things that make him happy & everything he loves …. so I basically gave him away … what do I do now ? I need some advice on the whole situation ..

Clarissa
Clarissa

I mean, they really do seem happy. I know she is a rebound but I feel like they might actually last even though they rushed into things. So I’m not sure if I should worry about it or not … I’m following the 5 step plan though because I want to get over this already.

Whitney
Whitney

Definitely a rebound. Just let the chips fall as they may. I know that sounds nearly impossible right now but you have to or you will push him even further into her arms. It most likely won’t last, however, anything’s possible. If it’s meant to be it will be just that. Keep your head up and try to enjoy yourself.

Clarissa
Clarissa

So I just found out something huge ! My boyfriend (or ex) left me out of the blue basically & he started talking to a bunch of girls, especially girls I didn’t approve of him talking to because I knew their intentions. & I was really hurt, I was wondering why he was doing me so wrong & leave me like I never ever meant a thing to him ? Well, I found out today that I guess he thinks I cheated on him. So what do I do ? Because I didn’t cheat on him so how do I prove that to him ? How do I get him back without being pushy about talking to me about the whole topic & how do I tell him I didn’t cheat & have him believe me ?

Clarissa
Clarissa

But also he’s already talking to a girl & they’re moving pretty fast. so should I just let that play out & then tell him after they’re done ? Or tell him now ?

Clarissa
Clarissa

So my ex texted me last night & we’ve been broken up for about 4 days now, I didn’t send him any messages like I usually do while he’s at work & today he asked me if I needed a ride to school (probably making up excuses to talk to me or see me bc he rarely ever took me to school while we were together) & I replied back & we were talking for a while but since it’s flooded right now around the Phoenix area in Arizona i told him I can’t go to school & now he isn’t talking to me. Did I mess up my chances by replying back to him ?

Clarissa
Clarissa

I keep checking his instagram & he started following all of the girks that like him or think he’s cute & now I saw he followed his ex he was with before me. He said that what they had isn’t even a thing & he never want anything to do with her because she hurt him bad, she cheated on him while they were together. I don’t know if he’s doing this to get me jealous or what ? I just wanna message him & ask for him back but that’ll be the wrong thing to do right ? I know he has too much pride to chase after me so idk what’s gonna happen …

Clarissa
Clarissa

I wanna just tell him I miss him but that’ll ruin everything right ? Because I was doing the no contact thing & I was doing positive things that make me happy & he saw that. He still has some of my passwords for things so I know he saw guys messaging me because now all the messages are deleted & I didn’t even open or reply to them. Maybe he’s just doing this to get me jealous ?

Clarissa
Clarissa

I just told him I miss him 🙁 I think I messed up, I just couldn’t hold back any longer. I ruined my chances right ?! 🙁 I’m so scafed

daisy18
daisy18

hi kevin,
im writting to seek your advice again coz im tangled up with confusion.
me n my ex have broken up for 6months already..we havnt seen each other in those months at all but durin those months weve exchanged several texts back n forth. until just a few days ago we met at a club. not sober and we all know what happened after that. so, the following weeks conversations on text boomed..like never durin the past 6months i kinda felt like we were textn like when we were dating again..
thing is, i cant open up to him about how i feel and that theres still a part of me that wants to get back together (altho i have completely gotten over our breakup and ive dated a guy in between those 6months) hes just always busy with his friends on his free time and i cant complain abt why we cant hang out or why he wont make time 2 hang out with me coz im not in the position to (not his gf).. and now these thoughts just eat up my head..i cant even ask if he is seein anyone or is intrested in anyone..i hinder myself coz im scared but these thoughts just eat me up..
i told myself before..im not looking back and he i no longer want h..but until that night “happened”
please tell me whats right to do
thanks.x

Ben Fox
Ben Fox
Hi Kevin, so were to start, I’m in a bit of a pickle. My (ex) girlfriend and I have been with each other for 9 years, happy and in a very loving relationship with her. In the past shes droped massive hints to my mother about marriage, until this May 2014. We met during a ski season and just hit it off from day 1, It was like finding a lost key that opened up a locker that you never knew about, So I work seasonal jobs away from her. it would be 6 months on 6 months away at a time, we would talk every other day and when were together we were the envy of all our friend, people would commented and asked both of us for advice on how to keep relationships strong over long distances. Sometimes she would come and do a season with me or we would travel together. We both view each other as best friends 1st, even now! any way cash has always been tight my end and I had got to know and become part of her family so I moved in to her family home when I was back. (i hope you can tell how close we had become) So I after 6 years I came to the decisions that she was the ONE but never had the funds to get the ring until last summer. My girl had just been traveling with her sis for 7 weeks and was on her way back … But her dad died the day before she got back. This was at the end of November. We were to head off for a ski season together, I had pland that were on top of a mountain with the world at our feet I was going to pop the BIG question. Needless to say the next few months were very hard and I decided that it was the wrong time to ask for her hand! So 4 months pass with her being a bit distant (i had just thought it was due to her sudden loss) and she just comes out with it … she needs a brake … but in her words not a full split (i was left very confused). Well I was devastated! I had just committed to stop traveling and had made plans to get a real job and work close to her home and we would settle down. So I have been living with her (sharing her bed) and living with family for the past 3 months looking for work and a house away fome her. She’s has now asked me to give her some space for the next 6 months… Read more »
Caring friend
Caring friend

I am not Kevin, but I hope he replies to you very soon!!! If her Mom has been dropping massive hints to you about marriage and her dad died, it I think it would be the right time for you to propose to her, to show her you care and you are there for her. It sounds like you are very close to the family. I am not an expert, but it seems to me that 9 years is long enough for the girl to wait for a proposal. If her dad died and she did not get one, she may be wondering if you are the type if man who will be rock steady for her in the future. Go ahead Ben. It sounds like you love this girl and the family loves you too. Not every girl needs a big diamond ring. Ask her and see what she says. I hope Kevin replies to your question too as he may have a different take. I am a middle aged woman with 4 brothers. I have never been married. Many men just let the train pull out of the station for fear of making a mistake. Ig you don’t want to lose here, I don’t think you will lose her by asking her to marry you. She will either say yes or you will open a new line of discussion with her. Don’t miss the train! Good luck.

Sasha
Sasha

Here is my situation. I met D last year in the spring and we hit it off immediately. At first our relationship was purely sexual but feelings developed and one month and a half later we made it official. About a month after that he was basically living with me. He had his own drawer at my house and everything. He was very attentive in most of my emotional needs but lacked the communication I needed. In turn I looked to other men for attention. Which I admit was wrong. He went through my phone and found the messages and instead of talking it out he started to not be as affectionate to me. I noticed all of it. Then I moved away because I was finished with school. We still tried to work it out but the trust issues just couldn’t be sorted out from a distance. Then I became pregnant which was an even bigger issue since he doesn’t want children. We went back and forth for months, I became very belligerent to the point I would threaten numerous times and finally I just backed away. I ended up having a miscarriage and didn’t tell him until recently in May. I basically apologized for everything and we forgave each other. I was fine with it just being that since I had started to date someone else. But D asked for reconciliation in the future. Long story short. We slept together last week, he has other women he sleeps with. I don’t like it but it is selfish of me since i’m doing the same so I accept it. He says he’s not looking to be tied down by anyone right now, he’s just having fun. He isn’t dating or any of that. Just meeting people and going out. He also says that because of how we ended he’s nervous that I might revert back to being that way. When I suggested that we don’t speak or sleep together anymore, he says he can be my friend without sleeping with me since he is over me but he wouldn’t like it if he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. My concern is that when he wants to be in a relationship with someone he isn’t going to choose me even though he says he would definitely consider me when it does get to that point. I don’t want to even come to that point and just walk away completely but we both agreed had I never moved or if we had met when we were the people we are now, we would still be together. Does this make sense?

Jay
Jay

Have a question. My boyfriend of 5 years and I just broke up 4 days ago. I did not beg him to take me back- though I did say that I didn’t understand why he would give up and not try to work on things rather than possibly live with regret. We both stopped trying and making an effort which is what lead to the demise of our relationship. We ended on a good note, said we would be friends and he said maybe we could try again in the future.
Before we broke up we took a “break” for about 2 weeks. He suggested that we keep things quiet that we were on a break because we were going to work on things. Later on I found out he had been hanging out with another girl during this time.

I’m following the 5 step rule since the official break up. Do you think there’s a chance for the future?

Jay
Jay

I have found out that I’m not the only one he pushed out of his life, he’s also pushed away his whole family.
Why would he do this?
What should I do now?

Rachel
Rachel

Hi Kevin
So me and my bf just broke up from a 3 year relationship. The first 2 years were really good. In this last year it’s been a little difficult we’d fight but always seem to work through it all. In the last 3 or 4 months it’s gotten really bad we live together so it makes everything a little harder. About 2 months ago he had gone to a bachelor party and a picture got put up on fb of him and this girl I of course freaked out and he apologized tremendously and blamed it on his friend (who I do not like because he wants to break us up) we got past the situation but then a few days after that we were fighting pretty much everyday. He says he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. He still cares says I’m a really good person and all that but he wants to see what’s else is out there. I’ve talked with his mom about all his and she has told me that his biologic dad was extremely bipolar. In the last month of fighting he’s been so back a fourth about everything one day he doesn’t wanna be with me then the next he does. ( that’s where the bipolarness comes out he can’t decide on what he wants) For me it’s been an extremely hard emotional rollercoaster. I know what I want from him and I know he can give it to me. In the last 2 week’s we broke up but bc we live together it’s been hard for me at least. He’s been out every night with his friends and when he is here it’s only to sleep and he sleeps on the couch he says hes moving out but has yet to make that move and I honestly won’t believe him till he’s actually moving his stuff because he’s said it so many times in the past that he was. I’ve been trying the nc rule but it seems like when I start to be ok with the situation he says something that pulls me back in. What should I do?

helpneeded123
helpneeded123
KEVIN, PLEASE! You already replied to the first part and then again to the second part of my situation, but I have an important update… This is LONG distance. I Have just moved to a new city and the earliest I could get back to see her would be the end of August… how should I proceed with your advice given the important fact that I have a new job for 3 years in a different city (2 hour flight apart from her). We talked about distance before we broke up and she said she wasn’t happy doing it for 3 years, and would possibly do it to start off but would want to move in… Then we had the ugly breakup I describe below. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then the second part followed by your second reply. I dont know what to do if after the non-contact phase I want her back.. I cant leave my job. She definitely wont give up hers given how we ended/uncertainty. What do I do 🙁 Here is our previous conversation: Hi Kevin, I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me… Read more »
helpneeded123
helpneeded123

I feel right now, it’s impossible. We are in different cities for 3 years now. SHe told me she cant see herself leaving her hometown, so the only way I could make it work is after I leave my position in 3 years and come to her town. Being a realist, she will probably find someone else. I guess I probably will too. But for me, she was ‘the one’. But the relationship just became so toxic the last little bit because of the pressures of me being away, her lying, and now me exposing her and telling her off (not in a rude way, but a stern way). And she said she doesnt feel we are meant to be. I chalk this up to her immaturity (as do my friends) because she basically needs to learn to be single and grow up a bit. I feel we can make it work if the stars align, but i feel there is no chance of that happening now given the distance and animosity that is between us. I just hate that she still did not apologize for her lies (stubborn girl who avoids all guilt), and told me to never call her again. Who says that after a 2.5 year relationship to someone they ‘loved’? I just don’t understand her.

helpneeded123
helpneeded123

Kevin,

Wow. 3 weeks after that phone call, she put “In a relationship” On facebook with someone else (according to a friend; I deleted her after I told her what I knew). Which means she was seeing someone else when I called her (clearly it takes time to go FB official with someone). So she didn’t even tell me on the phone when I called her that she was seeing someone.
Nor did she admit any mistakes. Nor did she take time to ‘find herself’. She has not been single since the age of 15 (had relationship from 15-17, 17-22, 22-25 with me, and now with someone else). I feel so blinded that this girl can jump so quickly after being with me for 2.5 years and hinting at an engagement ring 4 months prior to our breakup.
I am at a loss for words lol. What do you make of this girl?

helpneeded123
helpneeded123
KEVIN, PLEASE! You already replied to the first part and then again to the second part of my situation, but I have an important update… This is LONG distance. I Have just moved to a new city and the earliest I could get back to see her would be the end of August… how should I proceed with your advice given the important fact that I have a new job for 3 years in a different city (2 hour flight apart from her). We talked about distance before we broke up and she said she wasn’t happy doing it for 3 years, and would possibly do it to start off but would want to move in… Then we had the ugly breakup I describe below. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then the second part followed by your second reply. I dont know what to do if after the non-contact phase I want her back.. I cant leave my job. She definitely wont give up hers given how we ended/uncertainty. What do I do 🙁 Here is our previous conversation: Hi Kevin, I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me… Read more »
helpneeded123
helpneeded123
KEVIN, PLEASE! You already replied to the first part and then again to the second part of my situation, but I have an important update… This is LONG distance. I Have just moved to a new city and the earliest I could get back to see her would be the end of August… how should I proceed with your advice given the important fact that I have a new job for 3 years in a different city (2 hour flight apart from her). We talked about distance before we broke up and she said she wasn’t happy doing it for 3 years, and would possibly do it to start off but would want to move in… Then we had the ugly breakup I describe below. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then the second part followed by your second reply. I dont know what to do if after the non-contact phase I want her back.. I cant leave my job. She definitely wont give up hers given how we ended/uncertainty. What do I do 🙁 Here is our previous conversation: Hi Kevin, I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me… Read more »
helpneeded123
helpneeded123

I don’t have many options. Its early June. Its been 21 days no contact now. Earliest I could physically visit her technically in end of August. 3 months of no contact (what you recommended) would put me at end of august which is too late to ‘start’ talking because i cant just show up at end of august face-to-face. But how would I even get her to want me to come visit after shes hurt and apparently ‘at ease’ according to friends given how stressful the end of our relationship was? I think we’re both in this stalemate of no-contact because although she broke up with me first, I rejected her comeback the next day, so theres no reason for her to contact me again as she was hurt by what I said when she wanted to come back to me. Im just totally lost given that the long-distance is crippling the normal flow of your advice/articles.

Ive read all your articles- I just need some concrete steps given my complicated situation.

THANK YOU. REALLY- THANK YOU. ADVICE APPRECIATED>

Belle
Belle

Hi Kevin,

Question, what if he’s also reading the same article as I am reading right now and plan to do the NC thing? Isn’t it weird because we are both waiting for who will do the 1st move. Imagine, what I’m reading right now is exactly what he’s reading as well. Who should go first?

Belle
Belle
Hi Kevin, I find your page very interesting. Me and my 6 years bf broke up 2 days ago. He is 27 and so am I, we are planning to have a baby this year. We have a very beautiful relationship with some downs but we struggle and work things out. For the past 2 years, we had a very sweet relationship, everything is in place. Until last week, I found out that hes bee lying behind my back. My work is 8am-6pm and hes working 4pm-1am. Obviously, theres no time for us to see each other everyday. We can only see each other and spend quality time together every Saturday. Everytime he ends his job, he always txt me goodnight and always letting me know hes home already. Until I found out that hes not going home straight and eve not going home to their house for a couple of days. I was so mad, my friend even saw her with another girl eating outside around 2 am. I was so mad at him, I did not talk to him for a couple of days. He says sorry and beg for forgiveness. I even get to a point where I stalk him in his work place to see he has a girl, and as soon as I saw “them” walking towards his car, I confronted him. I asked him why. He said he just fell out of love since the time that I started working and no time to see each other, he even told me to just break it off with me because he dont want to hurt me anymore. He said that i deserve someone better. BTW, the girl is just his office mate and wanted to ride in his car WITH A GROUP. And I know my bf’s taste, the girl that I saw is impossible for my bf to like. He cried when I left him that night. 2 nights after, I went out together with my friends (night out). Unfortunately, we saw each other there. He thought I have a company guy so what he did is dance with another girl. I saw it. I was so drunk and so mad. I slapped her. And I even invited him outside to talk, but I beat him up (slap, kick, pull his shirt). And unfortunately his eyes hit the gutter and theres a blood already. We brought him to the hospital (together with my siblings), and the doctors need to stitch his eyelid. My ex’s mom is a doctor so we called her right away to check on him. My ex’s told his mom that he fell of a cab and hit the gutter. His… Read more »
Belle
Belle

Hi again Kevin,

You mean, if he contacted me, I will be the one to ask for some space?
I was the one who did that to him, so he needs the space more than I do. I’m the one who did worst. If I say that to him, he’ll think that I’m turning the table on him. Last night, he texted me that he still loves me but he can’t anymore. Does it mean, its really over? Does it mean he don’t want to be with me anymore?

Belle
Belle

Hi Kevin,

I still have a lot of questions in my mind that I want to clear.
We talked about me going at their house to personally confront his whole family and ofcourse to apologize for what I did. That is the best thing that I can think of to show him/them how sorry I am for what I did. He also told me that I have all the courage to beat him up, but I don’t even have the guts to face his family on what I did. I told him, since I wanted to take full responsibility of my action, even though Im so scared to death in facing his family, I will do it just to show him how sorry I am. I also told him that once I told his family everything, that will be the last time that Ill show my face to him and his family, and even though we still want to fix things up, it will be impossible already once I told them everything. So its like, it’s the last string for both of us. We had this conversation 2 days ago, and everyday I keep on asking him what time I can go there to talk to his family. And I didn’t receive any reply since.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know if I have to push myself to talk to his family since that is the only way that he can forgive me (according to him). Im also thinking what is the reason why he don’t reply everytime I tell him Ill go there and talked to them. Yesterday, I didn’t even go to work just to “finish” what I have to finish, I texted him to text me the time but I did not receive any reply. Im thinking that maybe he don’t want me to confront his family because he knows that we can never be together again once I tell his family the truth. Am I right? Or theres other reason?

Belle
Belle
Hi Kevin, Just to update you, Saturday morning (6:30am) as I checked my phone, I received 12 missed calls from my ex boyfriend, he was calling me around 5:30 in the morning, but I put my phone on silent thats why I did not hear him calling. Anyways, I tried calling him twice as well because Im thinking it might be emergency thats why hes calling me, he did not answer. After 4 hours, he called, asking if Im calling him, I told him he is the one calling and Im just calling back. he said to just dont mind it and he is just drunk. I said ok. When I checked my other phone,he sent a wrong message, ” I was looking for you, as usual you left me if you have somebody”, obviously he is with another girl last night. So I replied, I told him to resend the number to the right person and probably its impt for her to know that you are looking for her yesterday. He said that its just a friend, who was introduced my his male friend. He said that he’s been seeing the girl for a couple of days already when the incident happened. She left him yesterday because all through out that night, hes drunk and been talking about me. Anyways, for this moment, I dont give a d*mn anymore. He keeps on texting me how fu*king coward I am for not confronting his family. I actually texted her sister already and plans to meet up yesterday afternoon. Because of his non stop texting telling me how coward I am, I texted her mom asking if I could meet her since I want to say something very important, and she told me to just text the details whatever it is because she is very busy. So I told her everything and apologized wholeheartedly. She said that she doesnt have anything against me and he knows that hes son is also drunk, in short, shes not mad at me or anything, she told me that we time will heal for both of us. I also texted her sister that I cant meet her up anymore and just told her the whole story, just like their mom, she also said she understand what I did,. When my ex find out that i already told his family, he was shock and maybe not expecting that I can really do it. We talked a little bit, and he told me that Im still in his heart, and if he can call anytime he wants. I feel like everything shuttered. I cant face his family anymore, I cant talk to them anymore because they know… Read more »
Jes
Jes
Hello Kevin, My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of days ago because he decided that we were not suitable for each other. It’s true our personalities are really very different. We do not have any common interests or hobbies (I am adventurous and like to travel but he rathers stay home most of the time) and we also differ a lot in our values and beliefs. He is also overly possessive and many of my friends think so too, and I happen to be a freedom-loving girl. Hence, we quarreled constantly, esp in the last 6 months. We were together for one year. I blame myself for hurting him a lot over the past months because I really started to get really sick of his possessiveness (I was not to stay out past midnight, I was not to hang out with my other male friends) and began to blatantly ignore his ‘rules’. So one day he decided he cannot take this anymore and broke up with me. But don’t get me wrong, he really loved me. Every cell in my body could feel it. He cared for me more than anything else in the world and even his curfew was the result of his concern for me. His only flaw is that he’s too stubborn and possessive. He was awfully nice and good to me otherwise. I really regret having not cherished him more when I could. In the past, I always thought that I cared more about living a life and going the things I love (eg traveling), but now, having felt his absence and hating it, I don’t want to travel anyway without him, you know? Since the breakup, I’ve thought a lot about my priorities and I think I want him more than anything else in the world, including my freedom. I really want him back and I did plead for another chance, but he says it’s time for us to break out of denial. He says that as much as he loved me, he doesn’t envision a future with me anymore and it’s best for us to put everything behind us and just be friends. Ive asked him if he still loves me, he says he does find himself thinking of me less and feeling less hurt as time goes by. Does this mean he stopped loving me ? I’m really confused. What should I do now? I have started the no contact, but what happens after 60 days ? How should I behave when I see him again? And I’d really like to know if he still loves me, so that I know if I should really give this up or not give… Read more »
helpneeded123
helpneeded123
KEVIN, You already replied to the first part of my situation, but not the second. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then lastly my follow-up to your answer: Hi Kevin, I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me on for doing long distance. I broke up with her last week after she got in my face about our problems. I’m doing the no-contact, but isn’t the lying about an ex (her first love of 5 years) to my face, enough of a reason to end it and NOT even consider going back?? YOUR RESPONSE WAS: Hey, In my opinion, yes it is a reason to end it and never go back. MY FOLLOW UP: Thanks Kevin. I figured the same, but it’s difficult. I dont think she cheated on me, but she did lie. They’re clearly on good terms but I think her ex wants nothing romantic with her as he is happy in his new relationship. We ended up breaking up arguing… she yelled at me and hung up on me.. i said things to her after that she said made her feel like a monster after I said… Read more »
helpneeded123
helpneeded123

Thank you Kevin. I appreciate your thoughts and I will stick to your advice.

Bryan
Bryan

Hey Kevin,

First I would like to say thank you for putting together all this information. I am glad I found it. I have read your main article about the 5 step plan. I clicked on the hyperlink to this page.

I dated my ex for roughly 1.5 years during high school then a bit past grad. I mainly had the problem with her and it was so much fighting that we eventually had a mutual break up. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I was a little more organized with my future and I had a lot of schooling to do, and pay for. I did deal with her in a very rude way and I also did other negatives in the relationship.

Anyways, here I am about 2 years later and I have met many girls, went on dates, and finished my schooling. She’s also dated someone for a bit and they broke up about a month ago. Me and my ex talk lightly. [I’m going to start the 30 days from scratch anyways ;)] I started missing her before I even knew they were broken up. A lot of things seem true about me wanting to get back together with her for love, missing her, and honestly thinking she was the best. But its also been 2 years and I have realized so much about what I did wrong, and what I truly had. The motif is obviously to get back together with her but I know patience is massive in my situation.We have both grown so much, she’s in school now doing extremely well on her own. I have mature more and realized a lot of stuff, through suffering and beating on myself for the mistakes I made. But hey we are only human and learn one way or another. She is pretty busy so texting does not always work with her. I was thinking simply asking her to workout soon, its low key and something we both like.

Ill leave it at that for now! Just wondering on your 2 cents on my situation. Do I truly have a good enough reason? Any tips on angles to approach this. Any thing you can give me I would be super thankful for.

Thanks again!

Bryan

Ya-aa
Ya-aa
I broke up with my ex 7 months ago, we have known each other for 4-5 years now he has been my best friend and we were on a relationship for a year and a half, he loved me the moment we met, but I took some time to love him back.. Well, he got in a relationship a week after we broke up, we stopped talking a month before that, a week later we started talking again, it was obvious he still loves me, a week later he was mine again! I was the happiest I can ever be. A month later my parents found out that I was with him and they banned me from talking to him, so I had to end it, I couldn’t tell him that this is what my parents want, so I just told him we can’t talk anymore and he shouldn’t ever try to contact me, a week later he got back to that girl, I was so broken I hated everyone, I didn’t show him how sad I am, I stayed hyper, happy and bubbly as he’s used to see me, but the truth is I will never stop loving him, he’s my first love, they have been together for 7 months now, and we are talking again, he keeps giving me hints that he still love me, yesterday he told me they broke up, and he doesn’t want to get back to her, he told me he loves her, but I’m different, he told me I’m really special to him, today he asked me what if he wanted us to get back together, I answered with no way! He kept asking me why did we broke up in the first place, and kept saying I know you miss me, and these kind of things, then I found out he was telling me all that while he was back in a relationship with her, I told him I love some guy let’s call him ‘x’ for now, when I told him we should stop talking, cause I realized I’m only hurting my self this way, he told me to go talk to ‘x’, and I was like… What?! He told me since you love him and he loves you back,he kept saying you will never now what I feel because you have a guy that loves you and you love him back, what does he mean by all these moves? Does he really loves her? If so why does he keep telling me about our past relationship? Why does he keep telling me how desperate he is? Why does he tell me he remembers every single memory we had? And keeps… Read more »
helpneeded123
helpneeded123

Hi Kevin,

I am 28. My girlfriend 26. We had been together for 2 years and prior to this my girlfriend was with another guy for 5 years. She immediately jumped ship to me from him, with no grieving period over her first love. Her ex BF has since moved on in another relationship that is strong. We have been doing 8 months of long distance (cross-country). I went to see her last week after she had pretty much told me while I was away she couldn’t continue with the distance any longer. She had been telling her friends that she didn’t see how we would end up continuing and that she would most likely be single soon as she felt no commitment from me. I went to visit her to work on the relationship as she can be quite needy for attention–can’t handle being ‘single’– and upon my visit discovered (without her knowing) that she has been talking to her ex BF and recently asked him to go out late one night while I was away. He ended up saying no, but they have 100% gotten together before without my prior knowledge and they’ve been back in touch for over a year now. When I asked my GF if they had hung out or been in touch the last month, she lied 3 times to my face. I didn’t confront her about what I knew- the lying to my face seemed enough of a reason for me to end it, combined with the constant guilt-trip she has put me on for doing long distance.
I broke up with her last week after she got in my face about our problems. I’m doing the no-contact, but isn’t the lying about an ex (her first love of 5 years) to my face, enough of a reason to end it and NOT even consider going back??

helpneeded123
helpneeded123

Thanks Kevin. I figured the same, but it’s difficult. I saw potential in us and I feel that although she loved me, she just wanted the security of a ring.. and when she wasn’t getting that commitment from me, she was prepared to just shelve me despite her strong feelings.

We ended up breaking up arguing… she yelled at me and hung up on me.. i said things to her after that she said made her feel like a monster after I said how inconsiderate she was, etc… She messaged me the next day and tried to get back together the next day, and I said no…then she messaged me and said ‘good luck with your career’ and that was it. my last message was basically telling her its healthy for us to stop and that i dont want to be on bad terms and i feel we should talk, and told her its up to her. apparently she is devastated according to mutual friends. I think this is because she knows her ex is in a serious relationship and now i rejected her attempt to come back…

The part that kills me is that I hate how we ended things so angrily and I dont know if she will ever want to talk to me again.
I’m really missing her and don’t know if i should ever get in touch with her .. its been 10 days… should i wait 30 days to text her, or just never text her until she texts me? Do you think she will ever get back to me? Should I try to get in touch soon and have a proper mature discussion about us breaking up? It just bothers me so much how we had something so good and it just crashed and burned.

ADVICE PLEASE!!! Thanks man.

How should I proceed.

Siddharth
Siddharth

My gf of 8 months left me for her ex, both of them used to fight but now it seems like the guy has improved and promised to marry her.
Even she feels a lot for him, is it woth to wait for her?

Dylan Robinson
Dylan Robinson

So my ex girlfirend broke it off after about 5 years. We were in a messed up situation that I shouldn’t talk about on here but we were basically working it out or I thought we were. Then last week she posts on facebook she’s in another relationship. We have a son so the only contact I should have is when I see him right? Do you think I can get her back? Because I really was trying to work the relationship out with her.

Oznerol
Oznerol

Does the 30 day rule still apply in a short relationship of 3 months. I know her attraction to me faded because of being a bit insecure and clingy; overall I think her decision was rash in the heat of the moment through texts. I wasn’t patient in giving space during a tough time of school and now she basically said that was the reason she didn’t want to see me and she needed some time to work on herself. She basically said she does not want to deal with anyone for a while. Do I take it for what it is worth and do at least a month or am I able to shorten it due to the fact our relationship was in the beginning stages. I see all of the qualities in her that I would like in a women but unsure about taking the time if she is not completely confident in herself.

Please give some advise on the time frame I should use to re-contact and how to approach it within the first coupe of meeting to see if she is truly open to staring again.

Alison
Alison

Hi
My boyfriend who I’ve dated for almost two years just broke up with me. He told me that he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. I could see that he tried to enjoy spending time with me but somehow it wasn’t the same. He decided to break up with me, and told me he needed to figure out some stuff out. He told me he’s been feeling depressed lately and will probably go see a therapist. He also just graduated from college, so I kind of understand what he’s going through. Is there something I can do to help make things go back to normal? And do you think he’ll come back to me?

christiana
christiana

Hello, my ex boyfriend and I were together for four and half years, we got together our senior year in high school and we are now 21. Our relationship was great other than communication. I would tell him everything and anytime something was bothering me but he wouldn’t. It was almost like he had to much pride to let someone know he needed to talk. Other than that we made each other laugh we had all the same interests. I recently took a new job in January were u had to work every weekend and he was only off on weekends so we didnt get to spend much time together. He broke up with me about a month ago out of nowhere we hadn’t been arguing or anything. Then a week later he was already with someone else they aren’t in an relationship but they spend a lot of time together. I have followed the no contact rule and just been going out having fun with friends. He texted me once saying he heard was messing around with someone else and I told him I was just hanging out with a friend and he said he was just picking on me and I didn’t reply back. Do you think we have a chance of working things out and getting back together?

Princes
Princes

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, and i broke up with him Because i felt that he is cold at me for almost a week he didn’t want to text me and even during our anniversary he don’t provide same effort to see me or text me I thought he never love me anymore. Within those 9 months we broke up I have been in no contact rule and like what you said in your other article all the sign that he still loves me are all present. Then now he said to me he wants to go back what we have but he is confused on what he felt he said that he loves me but he want to make sure of that feeling first. that’s why I have doubt and question his love for me and I can’t see his sincerity that he really what me back. Also my feelings start to be confused. I need your advice if I should go back with him, until know it’s hard for me to list my pros and cons of getting back with him. What do you think should I do?

Princes
Princes

Hi Kevin,
Thank you i appreciate your advice.

Austin
Austin

I should really emphasize the reason for the breakup was not a lack of passion, love, similar interests, one sided relationship, etc. It was because she couldn’t deal with my ex being manipulative and the hardship of possibly being a step-mother. This is a real issue for her and her family (at least some of them) get in her head and make her question if it is a situation that will make her miserable in the long run. She has never been married, nor does she have children of her own. When it is just the two of us there couldn’t be two people more perfect together. But, every other weekend I have the children and she gets very depressed and withdrawn. A couple days later we are back to normal. One time she didn’t bounce back, we both over-reacted, and we broke up. We have never gone more than a day without talking to each other, even when we were upset with each other. The contact was both ways, if I didn’t call her she would call me. The last few weeks have been different and I will admit that I broke every rule above for months. She went out on a date last night and we amicably agreed to stop contacting each other.

Thank you and I’m looking forward to getting started. I will do the no contact regardless, but I am just wondering if you think I have a chance?

Austin

Austin
Austin

Kevin,
I signed up today, when will I get my first email? I need the support asap. We dated for 2 years, broke up three months ago and I made all the mistakes. Although, she would call/facetime me and tell me she missed me and how much she loved me too. We would talk about how special we are to each other, but I have two children and she couldn’t deal with the ex issue. It has bee really rocky over the last few weeks and she admitted to going out on a date last night after I pressure her. I truly believe it was the first real date she has been on since we broke up. I will admit that I have gone on a couple myself, but didn’t tell her that. I was initially upset and told her I wouldn’t still be around to watch her move on. I told her I wouldn’t call anymore. She said no one will ever compare to me, but she doesn’t know what else to do to get over me. She got really sad and started crying. I sincerely told her I want her to be happy and I understand that is what she is trying to do before we got off the phone – I was sincere, but hiding a tremendous amount of pain.

I am hoping a period of no contact will allow me to clear my head and allow her to realize how good we fit together. Do you think I have a chance?

Austin
Austin

Hi,

So my girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me about a month ago because I cheated on her and didn’t confess because I was scared and didn’t want her to find out for fear of her breaking up with me. This was both of our first relationships. When I say cheat I am referring to me “allegedly” (I don’t remember due to alcohol) making out with a girl at a club. Our relationship had been going great for over a year. Not a single fight or problem. But I started getting these feelings of wanting to be with someone else (not someone in particular, just a different girl) and the relationship took a bad turn. We just lost contact, stopped seeing eachother as often and got into a couple fights. She found out and broke up with me and when she found out I was crushed. Not because I got caught but because I genuinely felt horrible. She is a great girl and didn’t deserve to be treated the way I treated her because I know she would never have done that to me. It just sucks that I had to find out how I truly felt about her the hard way. I was a mess when we broke up and I have only contacted her twice during the breakup so far, but we did speak about everything on the phone and really we got no where. She doesn’t trust me and is asking me why she should give me another chance and I am trying to explain to her that it was meaningless and I don’t even remember it. I feel like I should have waited to talk to her but its too late. it has been over a week since that phonecall with zero contact. I am at the one month no contact period and I’m not sure where to go from here. Please help.

Thanks,

Austin

Alison
Alison

I feel like my ex-boyfriend is a slightly special case. He went through a great deal of trauma shortly before he met me. He had been in a 6 year relationship with a physically and emotionally abusive partner. They had been living together and engaged, but he was finally forced to leave her when the toxic environment became too much.

Five months later he met me and I thought we had a very healthy, loving relationship. It lasted 8 months. The problem is ever since he left his ex, he has had no friends and he doesn’t have much family to speak of. Ever since I met him, I’ve been the only person in his life he was close to. This is why I think I was so hesitant to cut him out of my life after our breakup. I knew if I didn’t stay his friend, he would have literally nobody.

But I finally decided for my own well-being that I can’t keep up the friendship facade. It feels like I’m abandoning him, but I think it’s the right thing for me. I guess my question is, can I make this an exception to the no contact rule? I told him if he really needed to talk or wanted to check in on me, I would be ok with it, but that I wouldn’t be the one to contact him until I felt ready. I don’t know if he will contact me, but I felt like it was important for me to leave the door ajar since I’m the only important relationship in his life and he’s been pretty miserable for a while now.

Connor
Connor

I lost my girlfriend of two years. I was and still am in love with her. I turned in to a bully, and, not physically, but mentally hurt her. I never wanted to be that guy. I told her once before it would never happen again, but my emotions for the best of me and I blew up again. This time I have changed, but two weeks later she is with a guy that she didn’t like for a long time. I want her back. We give the same public bus to college, and so does that other guy. I want her back, and I want her to see the real me that she loved at first a long time ago. What do I do?

edward
edward

Kevin does this guy have a chance or not?

July
July

Hi , im a guy 29 iv been in relationship with my girl around 4 years and after that we break up , after 6-7 month shes got married with other guy i think just because of rampage after 6-7 month shes devorced , but i still love her i miss her , it is worth to take my ex back or not , and how ? I need ur help , thank you

Rhys
Rhys

Hi,

I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years three days ago after I found out she had been emotionaly cheating on me. I ended the relationship but I miss her a lot. I know I should forget about her and move on as if she can emotionally cheat once she will do it again.
I have gone no contact. How long do u think I should go no contact for and should I take her back ?

brandi
brandi

Im just curious what your thought is on this. My girlfriend left a month ago and I know a lot of the reason was me. I did the normal crazy messaging thing. A week after she left she got into an open relationship with her best friend of 10 years. Is this a rebound thing or did she just now realize she is in love with her?

James
James

Hi, Kevin

This is my story; I met my girlfriend after she just got out of a five year relationship (two married) and they together have a child. We started hanging out and it gradually became something incredibly meaningful. Then one day she woke up and told me she didn’t know what she wanted and seperated from each other for about a week and a half. I gave her the space she needed, and then after that short period she realized she missed me and I took her back. We then started getting more serious in our relationship even to the point of moving in with her and her child. Everything was great until, again, she got scared and left me again. She told me and her friends and family that I’m exactly what she sees in her future and wants to be with me, but she’s just not ready for anything serious. She doesn’t know what she wants. I understand it’s because of her recent divorce and she doesn’t know how to cope, and no I don’t think she wants her husband back because he’s with somebody else. She hasn’t had time to do anything she wanted for a long time, being by herself and she wishes she was ready with me. I have done my best to give her the space she needs, as I want her to be happy and also be with me. Two times is hard enough on me, but those things of still feeling everything will be okay are still there, hope I guess. I know she still loves me. I just want to know should I still follow the plan???

Kendallyn
Kendallyn

I’m in your same exact boat starting yesterday.
I feel for you! Good luck!!

Kendallyn
Kendallyn

Me again – I am SO sorry. I just read the comment guidelines (I didn’t know that there was a such thing until after I submitted mine) and feel so silly for being so in depth and descriptive and making my comment turn into a novella. I can assure you that it won’t happen again, it was just nice to be able to tell someone whose opinion I trust the entire story – forgetting that you, again, have many others to serve. My apologies! Thank you again for your consideration and help. 🙂

-Kendallyn

Kendallyn
Kendallyn
Hi Kevin, Please be advised that this is quite long (I’ve never been a fan of brevity) and that I more than respect you for even THINKING about reading it. I know how many people you serve! 🙂 I am so thankful to have found your site. I have spent the last five days (in between no sleep, no food, not leaving my room/house for 5 days, and smoking cigarettes – btw, I don’t smoke!) searching the internet for answers/guidance and found nothing of the sort until I stumbled upon this site. I have already read through the five steps as well as almost every article attached to it, and the articles attached to THOSE. I’ve also read some comments (too many to get through, but enough to have even more respect for your guidance toward your readers) and I haven’t stumbled upon a situation like mine and would appreciate any words that you might have. I have been “single” (dating, nothing serious, focusing on me/career, etc) for three years in July. I made this conscious decision soon after ending my two year, very unhealthy relationship with my last serious boyfriend in order to establish and find myself as well as learn who I was post-breakup. At the end of January this year, I decided to get a glass of wine at a well known watering hole by myself (I’ve learned to love spending time alone in public vs. with people – I have never feared it) at 11pm on a Friday night. Even the most independent of women really don’t go here alone on a date night, but something told me to do so anyway. I wasn’t looking for anyone, in fact I think that I had the “raging bitch who doesn’t want to speak to anyone” look plastered on my face, for no good reason really other than to just spend some time alone. A nice man ended up coming over, introducing himself, and asking to sit next to me. Long story short, he asked to give me HIS number – which I felt was very respectful and left the ball in my court. I texted him the next day to thank him for introducing himself and we kept in touch loosely. Three days later, we bumped into one another at a restaurant (both alone) and the rest was history. We spent a great deal of WONDERFUL time together and talked until the sun rose that night, and every night since for a month. That night in the restaurant he informed me that he was in the middle of a separation and that his divorce wouldn’t be finalized until July (*RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG*, I know!).… Read more »
Hardeep
Hardeep

Hey kevin, I was dating this beautiful Mexican girl for a year and a half and I had gone to India 3-4 months into my relationship and came back 3 months later to hear all these rumors about my girlfriend sleeping with other guys and her best friend. I was completely heart broken and my mind just flipped out. So I ended up cheating in her. Then I realize that all those rumors about my girlfriend sleeping aeound were lies and I was in utter disbelief of what I had done. A year and a half into the relationship she found out I had cheated (and it was a one-time only thing) and was completely heartbroken because I was her first serious relationship and I took her virginity and I was her first love.she broke up with me yesterday saying that she still loves me but has lost all respect for me. I love her with all my heart and I’d do anything to show her that I truly want to be with her but she said she doesn’t hate me and yet I feel like I can already feel her love for me fading away. If it is or not I’m not sure but I’m worried that if I go through with a no contact period she’s gonna endup ffinding someone else and I’m gonna miss out on her. I was thinking of having my sister talk to her but I dont know how my ex would take that, they’re really good friends too. What do you think I should do?

Monica
Monica

Hi, I’d like to know if you got my story because I haven’t receive any answer.
Thanks
Monica

Michelle
Michelle
I’m really not one for relationships. I pretty much stay away from them because I feel that’s going to protect me from getting hurt. However, a couple of years ago, after two serious relationships, I met someone who I really “clicked” with. I got all the symptoms of a girl who was crushing. After a few dates, I slept with him. It was probably the worst, and most awkward, experience I went through, but we still kept seeing each other. I was over the moon because he was just what I needed. He was funny, good looking, confident, great taste in music, spoiled me with affection (and sometimes material things), my friends and family loved him, and even opened the door for me wherever we were like a true gentleman. A month or so in, he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I obviously accepted. But in a blink of an eye, he turned into the complete opposite of what he had shown me. I tried reasoning it by telling myself it was all in my head, but I wasn’t the only one who noticed it. We still had good times but most of the time he was accusing me of something ridiculous so we’d end up in an argument. Finally, I gave him an ultimatum; either he changes his ways, or we break up. He didn’t want to change. I asked him, “why did you even ask me to be your girlfriend to begin with?” And his response was, “I don’t know.” So, I did the deed. We tried being friends but the attraction was too strong and we just kept messing around. So, typical girl me, assumed this was him trying to get back with me. After a year of fooling around, on and off, he told me he loved me. I responded the same, and I was absolutely thrilled. Then, he stopped texting me. My stalker self found out he was sleeping around with someone else (unsure if it was when we were sleeping around still, or after). A month or so later, contacted me again. We spent a night of passion together, and again, disappeared for a week. When i confronted him about it, he made it seem so petty and made me feel used. Two months after that, I contacted him, strictly out of desperation for a ride. He ended up “kidnappings” me and after hours of him spilling his guts out, I gave in to him again. We were going amazingly solid for about a month. No arguments, no problems, no complaints. He kept asking me how I felt about him and I assured him I loved him. He ended up going through… Read more »
Hafeni
Hafeni

hi Kevin my girlfriend am i have been together for two years. the first year we did spend together, but the second i moved to go pursue my dream of becoming a pilot. we have been together in the long distance for about 10 months, and now i only have 4 months to go and i will be done. but she broke up with me, a week ago. i do not know the reason of her doing that, but i know that there is still something between us, the long distance just became to hard to handle. i really need advice on how to win her heart back if i can.

Monica
Monica
I am 49 years old and I was in a relationship for almost four years. My ex boyfriend left me because I get upset with him about things that many times didn’t make sense to argue about. He is 51 years old and doesn’t like to argue about anything. I treated him bad several times. I regret each one of them and apologized from the bottom of my heart because it hurt me hurting him. I regret every time I did it. The first time he told me that he need it a separation to think things out and after a month I called him and we got back together. Then when I fell in the same behavior he just stopped calling me and then I called him and we got back together. Then we decided to go to a therapist for almost 6 to eight months. I improved my behavior and I told him that we should work in our relationship in our own because I felt that we were relying too much in the therapist and that we had to have someone as a mediator to have a good relationship. He agrees and after some time I was acting in the same way. Last September a got mad about him not finding an address while we were going to another state, he felt offended and didn’t want to talk to me again. As usual I asked him to forgive me and he told me that he needed it think things out. I told him that I’ll respect whatever he’ll decide, that I didn’t know why I acted that way, however he told me that he was going to call me. I didn’t contact him hoping he will do it, but he never did it. After six months I contacted him by phone and asked him why he never called me as he told me before and said that he was thinking about everything and that he will called me the next day, but he never did it. He didn’t called me…. until two weeks later because I had a clog in the kitchen sink and I asked him what to do, he just told me to remove the water, but didn’t offer to come to help me. Then I asked him why he didn’t called me as he told me last time we spoke and he said that he thought I said I was going to called him, however he said that he will call me the next day which he did. That day we talked about what was going on in our lives and he asked me why I acted the way acted before and I told… Read more »
Monica
Monica

Hi Kevin, thanks for your suggestions, but I don’t think this can be possible because he is probably already dating the woman I mentioned before in the first email I sent you. Last Friday I went to the psychologist and she told me that he went to see her. I asked her if he is going to get married and she told me that she can’t tell me anything he tells her to me and vice-verse. I apologize for asking her that and also I told her that I understand that she is doing the right thing. However, she told me that she was going to tell him that I am also meeting her. I wonder why he is seeing the doctor again.
I don’t know what to do because if he told me that he wanted that I talk with the woman he is about to date that mean that he doesn’t have any feelings for me and I don’t see the way to keep him as a friend if he doesn’t talk to me anymore.
What else can I do then?
Thanks again for answering my previous email. I appreciate it very much.
Monica

Monica
Monica

Hi Kevin, thanks for your suggestions. I’ll try that.

Monica
Monica

Hi Kevin, I called him and he told me that I needed to talk to him and he told me “what do you need to talk about?” I told him about something that I have in my chest . He told me to call him in an hour and I asked him to do it in person but he say no. In any case I told him to give me another chance and no to commit with that girl until we try one more time, but he told me that I was not ready to get marry and never will that we have to go separate ways and that the therapist was going to talk with me. When I went to see the therapist she told me that he didn’t want to talk with me because he is fine where he is now that if he sees me is to give me closure. The therapist words were like stabs in my heart. I lost him and I feel empty inside an so hurt and broken hearted. I love him with all my heart. Please tell me what else I can do. I need your help this is so hard. How can I recover his love when everything seems to be hopeless. And he is probably organizing his wedding.

KT
KT
Hi Kevin, My boyfriend of 8 incredible months just broke up with me kind of out of the blue. Granted we were doing long distance, but we had the most incredible connection and were madly in love. Him so I think more than me. He had been in a relationship for 6.5 years over 2 years ago, and him and all of his friends and family when I met them, said they had never seen him as happy and as in love with anyone, as he was with me. Same with my friends, they told me they have never met two people who were so happy together. I got the incredible opportunity to go and spend 5 weeks with my company where he lives in London, and we had the best time. Spent every moment together, and got along so incredibly. He even talked with my parents on the phone on Valentines Day, and said he couldn’t wait to see them this summer. He told me when I was leaving that it just reaffirmed everything he thought, but made him realize he needed to get his stuff together for me. He even had me trying on rings, and practiced proposing. When I left it was extremely hard for the both of us. My company is working on relocating me out there by the end of this year, but financially its not going well for him, and i know he can’t really spend money right now. I offered to fly and see him, but he wouldn’t allow it. Its been 4 weeks since I’ve been out there, and he all of a sudden started pulling away and told me something happened the day after I left and he doesn’t know what it was. He tried figuring it out and couldn’t. He still loved me and cared for me, and was still was sexually attracted to me, but he said he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t even list a reason, he just kept saying he didn’t know, and said he can’t do the distance. Even though after at the beginning of the conversation, he said he wasn’t ready to break up with me. I’m extremely confused and have a trip already booked to see him in May. He tried contacting me two days after he broke up with me as I gave him an ultimatum that he broke it off I wouldn’t speak to him again. He was checking in on me, and I ignored him and he got mad. I wrote him back today and was arguing with him, something of which we never even did, and told him I needed space, as he was getting defensive. Do you have… Read more »
Shahid
Shahid

Hey Kevin,

I’ve been into a 4 years long relationship. We both are 21. She broke up with me one month ago.

We belong to different religions but the magnitude of love was (and hopefully is) so much that we decided to marry each other and even gathered funds for the same. She gave all her funds to me with all her trust.

I want to patch up again coz I hope we can work it out this time me being more mature and understanding. But I want to return the funds as my instincts says that I should do this even if we patch up. It compromise my self respect now. So I told her to return the same but she said she wouldn’t meet me again once I return the amount.

I’m confused whether to follow the no contact rule before returning the same or after that or what to do.

Moreover, She got a birthday coming next month . She made my birthday the most memorable and made it look like a festival with all my friends. I wished to do something special. (Making a birthday video as we can’t meet).

I’m really confused about whether to do it or not. If yes, then what’s the proper way of doing it. Please help!

Girl
Girl
We met as broken people and all we did was fight cuz I pointed out everything he did wrong ( I was scared cuz I felt he reminded me of my ex and he was still hung up on his) and he said I was a nag, till one day I woke up and felt nothing for him after great sex, but decided to just hang in there. Not sure what he felt that morning but he started pulling away, so I left him, till I contacted him one day and he said he was on a date. I completely lost all control and sanity and it was an entire weekend of fighting via text messages cuz he wouldn’t talk to me over the phone, hurt even more cuz the ex I was broken from got married that weekend. He finally called when the weekend was over but by then I was over it and didn’t pick up or read his last text message. I chucked it all to bad timing, didn’t contact him for 3-4months and I found out he was in a new relationship, made the mistake of sleeping with him and he even trying to settle for sex, (I know pathetic and unlike me but I felt desperate like I had lost him and I just hit 30, was horny and I don’t know how to sleep around), which he shut down and said he was seeing her seriously. I wished him well and moved on. 2 weeks later he shows up at an event I’m hosting with his brother who tries to convince me his brother is a good guy and I am his “type of girl”, he (the guy himself) shows no consistent/serious pursuit or interest afterwards so I just left him alone. He sent messages now n then and I had a few hiccups with him when I got irritated, but I finally let go and he started chasing and was consistent, showed lots of PDA and respect when we hung out for a month so I let him back in (we have sex) and he stays in touch but withdraws a little. At this point we are better communicators and have matured, he has left the other girl, so I’m patient about meeting him in person to tell him how I feel, which takes a month. I go out of town and come back after he schedules a date that coincides with my trip and I cancel and cannot make it, mind you, he cancelled when I first scheduled it. Long story short, he calls me up for a business thing he thinks I will be interested in, I turn down being part… Read more »
T
T

Thanks. It’s so hard. The rebound girl is even still in the mix, he says she’s hounding him. They’re both working hard at getting him back it seems. I’m still mad he even dated the other girl at all. Decided not to be the 3rd “desperado”, so I’m bowing out for a bit. I pray he comes back and stays. Not fair that guys find partners so easily and move on so easily, takes me years to meet a guy I’m really into then a thing like this happens, right after one heartbreak. Holding on to faith not to give up. Looking forward to my vacation, I need it. My dream is that he let’s them both go and joins me on my vacay. 🙂 For now I’ll just get bikini ready and work on self and business.

What you are doing here is a great and empowering thing. Thank you.

Aniko
Aniko
Hi Kevin, My situation is a bit different from the other stories i read in the comments, unfortunately that’s why I can’t even talk about it with my friends, because a lot of them don’t get it, they take my boyfriend as a normal guy. So, my boyfriend since his childhood is hypochondriac, and he was diagnosed with anxiety, and maybe If i’m right, he takes antidepressant since 2 years. He only warned me about this fact, – that he takes these pills – when we were going out for 1-2 months. But he said, that he has control over himself, and he’s about tapering off! Slowly the act of the first few dates, i recognized, that he isn’t that strong guy he wants to look like. In fact.. he cried a lot, really a lot, and was extra-sensitive sometimes. In our relationship a special point is that we got fallen in love with each other after nearly breaking up for 3-4 times! These hard moments made us believe, we want the other one for good! In most cases i was the one who initiated the ‘we should keep on’-idea, and he was always glad to hear it from me, firstly he always acted like strong and unconvincable, but then cried of the relief, that we are keeping on. But it was always my mistake, at that time i couldn’t really trust him, and i showed him my true feelings only at the breakups. Then our relationship flourished, we were extremely happy with each other. He did everything to me every day he proved his love for me, i did it too. So we were going out for 15 months , and since one and a half week, we are finally over. Why? We two had hard times in our lives. In september, I’ve taken up a new 2-year-course while my university (i’m a student, 21 ; he’s 27, and working) ; and he’s also started one (but lasted for 2 months) while his work. Slowly we totally left our friends, and became best friends with each other. As December came by, i sometimes felt really bad about missing my friends, i often felt lonely while being at my boyfriend’s place. I nearly lived with him, he often begged me to move to him, but i did not want to because of my school. So he turned to be very sensitive and convinced, that i don’t love him anymore, and i don’t feel myself good with him. But it was only a winter-depression, a huge amount of stress i’ve had. And he thought that he’s not good enough. And as January came by, he got sick – and when he… Read more »
Aniko
Aniko

If only you and my mom were right.
Today my sister found him on EVERY dating site! ONLY 2 weeks after our break up, he’s searching for new girls? I just can’t believe it, it’s totally not him ! it’s like UFOS have taken my boyfriend…

Aniko
Aniko

Pls Kevin help me, i just can’t figure out why he is doing this to me.
He registered on another dating site, and there was an option if someone wanted to email friends that they should register there too. And he checked it ! So i got an email from him, that he’s on the dating site… I just can’t believe he would do this without purpose… Yesterday it was his nameday (hungarian tradition), so i broke nc for only to write him “happy nameday” on facebook.
He wrote me back “Thank you :)”, but that’s it. NO “how are you”-s or anything.. it’s 4 weeks now that he doesn’t know anything about me.
But what hurts the most, that he kept some pictures on facebook, connected to me, such as a really cute cat he drew for my birthday. And it was still there yesterday. But today i saw he deleted it. So he is still in the deleting mode, and i don’t know why! I don’t want to look obsessed, but i saw today he liked a pic with the sentence “If you love her/him, you let ger/him go. If she/he loves you, she/he will come back.”
HE never likes quotes like that, but now he did. And i don’t know what should that mean. Because if he wants me to make a step towards him again – as he got used to -, why did he delete the cute cat today? 🙁

Aniko
Aniko
Oo Kevin, pls help me. What i built up in the past month it crashed now in a minute. Yes, i was overthinking everything. But i started feeling stronger in the past weeks.. I forgot to tell that i had a friend request by a fake facebook which i didn’t accept, and in the past days i saw it is now deleted. And also he continued to post how happy he is all the time…But these just made me more stronger. In the last message i wrote that i initiated contact after 2,5 weeks because of his nameday, he thanked, and that’s it. I waited 1 week, i initiated contact again. I wrote a nice message what beautiful places i saw, he should go there and make some photos. This was the first time that he asked me, how i am! And i wrote what i was feeling at that moment. I was calm and happy to write him. He wrote hooow happy he is that i’m happy and fine! – it seemed to me he wasn’t really happy about that. He excepted me to beg him and cry on the phone… But it was positive! Everything was fine. I felt better in the past week, i planned to make some more contact in the next weeks and then call him to meet up. BUT a huge mistake i made in the past: a few days after the break up, and it made impossible to implement my plan. I wrote our common friends twice, when i panicked and felt terrible. How fool i was i believed that they keep their promise to not tell him i wrote them. And they met up yesterday.. and they told everything ! EXCEPT the last message we had, in which i told them i am feeling better….. So i initiated a contact today, another friendly not pushy message. And my ex wrote an immensely hurtful response. That we shouldn’t keep contact, he heard how messed up i am, and i am stalking his facebook ! So he thinks the best is that he will block some stuff from me, he doesn’t want to hurt me… He wrote again he would be happy to be friends in the future if we both moved on, but “there is a chance this will happen and of course maybe won’t happen”. (i can’t get what was that meaning) YOU SEE? He acts like i was never a thing in his life! Like he is not having any feelings towards me. However i started to feel myself better and stronger, and that was my facebook telling too !!!! So i wrote him that i am sorry for making the… Read more »
Jodie
Jodie

Hi
My bf of 2 years left me 5 days ago. We’ve hardly argued but when we did it was mainly because of his mates not liking me. I have always made an effort with them but they found me too positive so they chose not to accept me in their circle. Last straw was that i saw my ex’s best mate wrote a very nasty text talking about me. My ex did say i’m not like that but it still hurt me that his mates are being like that.
Anyway i had a tough time with family issues whilst away on holiday for the weekend and my ex text me that he’ll be there for me and promised me all this wonderful things for our future. but after the crisis i had with my family i also mentioned that i had enough of people belittling me incl his mate. To my shock he said he couldnt be with a girl who doesnt get on with his mates and started saying we are very different with our view esp on this topic. he packed his stuff that eve and by morning he was gone.. 2 days later he came to collect rest of his stuff..
I want to apply the no contact but it’s hard as we’re due to go on a group holiday in 2 weeks so he has contacted me since wanting to know plans for the holiday.
i still want to go purely because it was a very expensive holiday.. i communicated back with him that out of respect i think it’s fair if he changes his flight and in return i can sort out moving him into a different hotel.. at first he was ok and now he’s asking if it’s necessary which i said yes it for the best.. he replied back if that’s the way it has to be he is fine with that.. deep down i am hurting that he sounds so cool about it all.. and yet i just want him to say sorry and work things out.. my friends reckon he will regret what he has done, i really do love him but i refuse to beg him to come back or even communicate with him.. i want him to miss me.. do you think there’s any chance between us?

Carrie
Carrie

Hi Kevin!
My boyfriend of 1 year and 9 months and I just broke up last week. I had always had trust problems from previous boyfriends that carried over into our relationship. I made him cut out all of his friends and girl friends and not go to parties or go out anywhere. He knew I had trust problems and wanted to help me learn to trust him so he did all of these things for me. However, I kept making him cut out things in his life because I felt that the more I asked him to do for me and if he would do it for me, the more control I had and the more I knew I could trust him. We began to fight every week about my controlling issues. I would find something I didn’t like that he did and yell at him until he changed it. He broke up with me because he couldn’t handle it anymore and I understand why he did and I feel horrible about it. I have been trying to take my mistakes and grow from them and give him the space he needs. I want him to be able to have friends of all gender and do what he wants without feeling like I am holding him back. I do miss him obviously but I feel that the 30 day period will bring me clarity and help a lot. I understand what I did wrong and would never do that to anyone again. However, I need opinions if this would be worth another shot or if it seems like a break up that just needs breathing space instead of full on ending it.

Denise
Denise

Same situation i had why my boyfriend broke up with me.

Alex
Alex

Hi there, you’ve got a great website in here, I kinda read through your steps already. And this is my case, I fell in love with my gf and I’ve waited for 5 years to make sure everything’s right until I proposed to her, everything went good, we’ve been together for nearly two years, everyday having sweet times together and we seldom quarrel because we don’t like quarreling, if we’ve got any problem we’ll just sit down and settle it immediately, until few months ago, she was texting with a guy in the same class as her, I thought it was just friends chat and didn’t really pay much attention to it as I wanted to give her freedom to make friends. Then suddenly it came to this day when she suddenly proposed that we should be friends, she said she likes this guy and she likes me too, but she has lost her feelings on me, most of her friends supported me even her mother like me better than the new guy, they think we should be together instead of her be with the other guy there. I’ve begged her many times and she insist that we should just be friends, she doesn’t even wanna give me a chance to try again, she said that the chance of both of us getting together is quite small, everytime I asked about her and that guy, she’ll just ignore my question, when I asked will she choose that guy over me, she’ll just ignore me, now we’ve stopped texting, what should I do? I really love her very much and she said she did and now even after we broke up, she also would like to hear about me and to know how am I doing lately, she said she still cares about me but it’s just the feeling is not there. I really want her back, should I just let her go try the other guy there? What should I do now?

edward
edward

My case is similar Kevin. What do i expect after the no contact period? How do i approach it?

Ana
Ana

Mines too is really similar but he wants to be single for now..but after the 30 or 60 days no contact how could i introduce the subject subtly that we could maybe get back together because i know he still has something for me but not that strong anymore?

Maya
Maya

My break up was circumstantial. What happened was we met at work and dated for 4 months. It was way too fun we made each other laugh, sex was intense, good convo very at ease with each other. Ppl said we were perfect for each other all the time because we really are very similar in personality. I knew he was leaving to an immense new city in a nearby country. It’s a one yr job with no possibility to stay longer. He had worked for years, put in sweat and blood (literally-he’s a chef) to prove himself to obtain this job.

He asked me what I was doing for the summer but I brushed it off and made up fake plans bcuz I felt it would be crazy to say “nothing -can I come visit with u or move there for the summer with u” only after a few mnths. But I did get really attached and showed it in other ways and that’s when he cut it off because he “never wanted anything serious long distance” with me. This was a month before his departure. I asked if it would work if I could come visit him and he said no.
Msg received. It’s over.

I’ve been using no contact which was so helpful even though I broke it twice, once to ask if he wanted to hook up and once more asking to hang out before he left to the new city, I got “I’m really busy but maybe” back both times.
I feel like he’s just going to meet someone new and amazing and forget all about me.

I keep thinking what if I got a work visa and found a job for the summer after university ends for me- in his new city. would he consider trying again? I’m guessing this is a very bad idea as I would be inviting myself and this might look crazy to chase him. Should I just move on for now enjoy my summer and contact him near the end of it?

Dan
Dan

Hi Kevin,

I’ve been reading your stuff and it’s all very inspirational. Thank you for all your words of wisdom. I’ll try to keep it short, and try to follow your advice.

My Ex GF broke up with me after 14 months of dating. She’s 24 and I’m 28. We were together for 5 months in the beginning, until I had to move across the country for a solid job. We decided to keep things going being happy and madly in love. I was able to fly back and visit her on a regular monthly basis anywhere from 1 week, to 2-3 weeks at a time during the holiday months at a time. Over time, the distance took a toll on her. Eventually I could see she heart was less in it. Finally after my last visit during Valentine’s week, she decided to break up with me. I asked would things be different if I relocated back home? She said she’s sure about her decision and needs her space, and she didn’t feel in love with me like she used to. Sadly I didn’t come across your page until now. After only 1 1/2 weeks later of no contact, I emailed her to let her know my company was in full support of me moving back and I would keep my job. I asked if we could talk about it, we did, and she said it doesn’t change how she feels. She wants to be single, and doesn’t want to get back with me. She’s happy I’ll be home with my friends and family, but doesn’t see us getting back together. I made the mistakes, I smothered her, and begged her to take me back, and obviously she didn’t budge and probably was pushed away even further. I’ll be moved back at the end of this month, which by that time will be 2 weeks since we last spoke. I realize I was desperate, and as much as I want to reach out to her when I’m back, I should probably give it the full 30 days, or however long I need to feel confident, and independently happy, correct? How long should I wait? Do you think I’m making the right choice by wanting to get back with her? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for all your help.

Sam
Sam

Hi
My partner walked out on me about three weeks ago. I came home form work to find a note. We have been having a tough time financially as I was out of work for a while. This did cause arguments but it didnt stop me loving him. The last three months I have been working flat out to get the money in to get us back on track. he then started complaining that I was always tired and didnt spend enough time talking or cuddling him. I kept saying that by the end of feb we would be back on track and I can pull back on the over time. He has walked out on me fair few times before but always has come back after a week. This time he has found somewhere else to live. I have tried to talk to him rationally about things but he just shouts and screams at me and says he doesnt love me any more. He isnt the same man I met. I love him so much and I know he has his problems. I have had mine but I am currently getting counseling for them.
Should i just walk away?

Lina
Lina

My ex is a very sensitive guy. He also has a great passion for playing music (he thinks he is very good at it but still looking for a lot of approval). English is my second language, so sometimes I say things about his singing like ‘yes, it is very good’…’ very nice…’, ‘this one is not too bad…’ When I said ‘this one is not too bad’ for the third time… (sorry this prase doesn’t sound bad in my language at all), he broke up with me , saying that i am mean and killing his spirit.

Should I call and explain ? Any other suggestions?
Appreciate your help

Tera Creque
Tera Creque
Hello, I have a question. I will make this as short as possible. I just left my ex again for the 3rd time. Its a 5 1/2 yr relationship. An we have a 1y/o. First time I left, it was after 2 1/2 yrs. 1st year was long distance. The rest we lived together. Ive known him since I was little. We dated in middle an high school. We were just too young. We lost contact. 6yrs later he found me. We were friends for a year. I had a baby he didnt. We then got serious for a year. I then moved out to Houston w/him. Uprooted my life. An BAM.. I was hit w/another man.. He was a stranger. So mean to me. Always irritated. Blamed me for everything. EVERYTHING. I was in college an working. An we’d have good days. Sometimes he’d apologize. IDK what was goin on. Very withdrawn but Yet wanted me to be there all the time. I became an alcoholic. A functioning one. I was drinking away my confusion an a whole bunch of stuff. I stayed far away. Didnt want to be in his space. After a while. I couldnt take it anymore. I left. I heard from him every so often but ignoted him. I got a letter. He apologized. Like nobodys business. Told me I didnt deserve it. Etc, etc, etc.. I then went back. Not even 6mos later I got pregnant. He was STILL treating me like shit. I told him an stated “we gotta do something here. We need to really get it together..” of coarse he replied “ok”… 4wks later. I left him again. He had done something just terrible. Out of pure spite. Oh it hurt. I went to see shrinks for almost a year in the mean time. Went through alot. I was pregnant an emotional. He treated me like shit the whole time. Just angry. Finally the baby was born. He never left my side. When she was 4mos old. We moved in together along w/my other daughter. This time I was so fresh an a year of counseling an womens groups. Religously!! Every week.. I just knew itd work. Uuh, no. Mr Douche got back on his ass hole box. So I asked again. Can we plsssssssss work on this. Can I help you w/ur issues. Nope, nope, nope.. He’d agree to get help to get me to shut up. I left after 5mos in this house. Lived together for another 7mos. Same bed. No sex. Yet he an I are stubborn as an ox. That bedtime was when we seem to be peaceful. So confused of everything. But no one is exchanging… Read more »
Victoria
Victoria
My ex and I have been together for a little over 5 years unfortunately this is not the first time we have broken up and gotten back together seems always like a constant cycle but I always go running back when he wants. We do have a son together and currently pregnant with his second child which did not keep him from leaving me again. There was a girl from his job whom he started talking to she was aware of me and baring his second child but they continued to flirt constantly but I had access to see his text messages because when he would come home he would just delete EVERYTHING so I felt like I couldn’t trust him he has cheated before and I forgave him because I cheated before as well just that he didn’t know so I almost felt like I had to forgive. I confronted him about messages and he was upset bcuz he said I wasn’t giving him his privacy and said they were just friends but the way they spoke to each other seemed like they wanted more then just friends she constantly spoke to him about my relationship with him but because he would go running to her every time we had arguments. He promised to me that he would stop talking to her the way the way they did and keep it professional but he continued and I showed up at his job after work and found them still hanging out alone in the car not doing anything but still there. He did stop all messages with her but then started to call her every time he stepped out of the house I didn’t know what to do so yes I panicked went into needy mode and insecure mode and I feel like I pushed him more to her to begin with and so after a few days of trying to make things work he texts me and brakes up with me saying he’s no longer happy and will provide for his kids and that’s it but right after continued so hard to talk to the other letting her know he was a free man. He doesn’t admit to me that he wants her but I would see there conversation so I deleted the account that gave me access to there convo. Because I was just driving myself insane he was rushing so fast into a relationship with her I just couldn’t understand why and why while I’m pregnant with his second child. Im curious if he really has lost all respect for me and if it worth rekindling ? My family says move on he’s idiot and child and… Read more »
November
November

From a 9yr relationship she broke up with me because she is not happy with me and not inlove. It was so devastating. The thing now is that we still live together but not sleeping together and I dont takk to her unless if I have something to ask. She sometimes act like noticing I look good etc but shen she talks to our friends she confirms that this is really the end for us but she do miss me. If I want her back how can I follow your steps if we still live together.

nama
nama

I tried the no contact rule for 60 days. things were really goin on well for me. He did all he could to see me and all as he was desperate to know what I was doing that is far more important than talking to him.

right after he came to visit. It was late and he spent the night. We ended up making out and the next day things backfired and he started acting up as if I’m nothing and he started regretting what happened. dat was just last 2 weeks.
I just realised he is still interested with the girl he was in when we were together and pursuing her.

I’m confused. what do I do next as we are on the same college and class. do I start the whole no contact and the five steps all over again

Alexander
Alexander

If your ex broke up with you because your relationship in the beginning with her was bad, BUT eventually you started to love her more and more (from cold hearted to warm hearted), the fact that she couldnt erase the past bad things youve done, she broke up with you. Do you think i still have a chance to get back with her? i mean, ive changed to become a better person during the relationship.

Angie Davis
Angie Davis

I was blindsided by our break up and he now has a new girlfriend after just a couple weeks. We had one small tiff and he said I was over thinking things and he was feeling freaked out. We took a break then he claimed we were just a hook up, but we weren’t.I know the difference 🙂 I feel like a lot of our breakup was just circumstantial and we weren’t in the right place to be together, but I honestly believe he is the one for me. I would love to make positive changes and win him back.

Hopeless teen
Hopeless teen
Right where to begin, so i was 16 and going to an end of school year formal dance type thing, and i meet this girl with whom i have a great night with and think is amazing e.t.c and from there we start constantly talking, getting to know each other, joking around and such. It was obvious we really liked each other then it was easy to see. The only problem was she had some pretty bad views on relationships and ‘love’, i think the best way to describe her in terms of these views (without sounding too childish or petty) is that she had very similar views to Summer Finn from 500 days of summer, she thought relationships were farce and hated cliches and things and showing affection and so on. Regardless, after about 3 weeks of non-stop interaction i finally ask her to be in a relationship. and she said yes, but with a long speech about how she didnt like the ideas of a boyfriend or relationships and love but that i was the exception, along with that she never wanted to hear me say things like “be together forever” “never stop loving you” and to this day i haven’t. Our relationship lasted 3 months, pretty much over the period of summer, and it was a dream, i enjoyed it all and truth be told wanted to say the things she wouldn’t want to hear, but then in the final weeks it went bad as, well at the time i was very very needy and emotional and sensitive as prior to that i had never really had much experience in relationships, and she wasn’t exactly a stereotypical movie girlfriend or whatever. Eventually she couldn’t handle me demanding affection, proof that she liked me e.t.c and she obviously had a negative view on relationships as it was and this was over the top. After i gave a ridiculous and badly thought out ultimatum of affection showing or leave she ended it. An important thing to understand here is despite my age (16 then now 17) i really do think her to be something important to me and that my feelings were in fact genuine and not childish thoughts. So after the break up i was obviously a mess and with winter approaching i couldn’t deal with anything very well and life was terrible, also in the following 2 months i had my fair share of desperate begging and late night apologizing and “i want you back”s. Eventually i independently realised i needed to be happy with myself and not be independent on others for happiness, and now 4 months after the break up (after a month of no… Read more »

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