Your ex broke up with you and left you heartbroken. And while you are still trying to understand what happened and pick up the shattered pieces of your life, your ex has started another relationship.

You can’t believe that they’ve moved on so fast, so you consult your friend, search the Internet and everyone seems to say the same thing. “Your ex is probably in a rebound relationship”.

However, you are still not convinced. Your ex seems happy and their new relationship seems to be going perfectly. The new guy/girl seems completely opposite of you and yet your ex seems committed to make this relationship work. You are confused because everyone seems to be telling you it’s a rebound relationship while your instincts tell you that your ex has moved on.inigo montoya on rebound relationships

It’s truly a gut wrenching feeling to think of your ex with someone else, especially if you are still in love with them and want to get them back. And the thought of it just being a rebound relationship is very comforting. But when your mind starts wondering whether or not it’s a rebound, you can drive yourself crazy analyzing their behavior and obsessing over every little detail about their new relationship.

In this article, I’ll lay out some signs that will help you understand the rebound behavior and figure out on your own whether or not they’ve moved on.

How Long Have They Been In the New Relationship?

The first sign is quite obvious. The longer they’ve been in the new relationship, the less likely it is to be a rebound. If they’ve been in the relationship for a few months or less, then it’s probably a rebound and it will end soon. On the other hand, if their relationship has been going on for over a year, then you can safely assume that the relationship is serious for them and it’s probably not a rebound.

Of course, it’s not really a surefire way to determine whether or not they’re in a rebound relationship. If their new relationship has been going on for a few weeks, you can’t say for sure if it will end in a few months or it will continue for years. The longer they’re in the relationship, the more you lose hope. And the more you lose hope the more you start analyzing their new relationship (and obsessing over them) trying to convince yourself it’s a rebound.

How Long Did They Wait Before Starting the New Relationship?

If your ex started dating someone else within a week of breaking up, then it’s more likely to be a rebound. On the other hand, if they waited an appropriate amount of time (like three to four months) before entering the new relationship, it’s less likely to be a rebound.

Again, it’s not a surefire way of telling whether or not it’s a rebound. Some people jump from one relationship to another without waiting at all. Some people keep someone lined up for dating before breaking up just so they don’t have to be single for longer than a few days.serial dater

On the other hand, it could be that your ex waited months before entering the new relationship and it could still be a rebound depending if they never really got over you.

That’s why it’s beneficial to understand the rebound behavior. If their behavior resembles that of a person in a rebound relationship, you can be know for sure whether or not you have a chance at getting back together. You will not be obsessing over them so much and you will be able to concentrate on your happiness more.

Understanding the Rebound Behavior

A rebound relationship is simply an attempt to fill a hole in your life that was left by an ex. Another way to describe a rebound relationship is an attempt to avoid the pain of the breakup. It’s an attempt to feel the same way you were feeling while you were in a relationship with your ex. It’s an attempt to have the same level of intimacy that you had with your ex, with someone else.

Being intimately close to someone gives us a feeling of security and a boost to our self-esteem. It’s the kind of intimacy that is built with time and effort that a relationship requires. After a breakup, that intimacy is gone in a matter of few days and you are left feeling empty.

A rebound relationship gives you hope. It gives you a chance to feel that level of intimacy again. It gives you hope to fill that empty feeling inside you.

This is the reason why most of the rebound relationships seem to move so fast. Because a rebound relationship is an attempt to reach the level of intimacy that only long-term relationships have.

Suppose the name of your ex is Jane. Jane feels empty after she left you. She knew she wanted to breakup with you but she didn’t expect to be so much miserable after the breakup. She has an old friend Garry who comforts her, she finds herself attracted to him. She feels that perhaps this guy can make all her pain and the emptiness go away. So she starts dating him. Whenever she is with him, her mind is not thinking about the breakup and you. She doesn’t feel as empty as she was before.

But still whenever she is alone, the pain comes back. She can’t let go of this feeling of emptiness even though she is a new relationship. She thinks perhaps it’s because she is not as close to Garry as she was with you. She thinks if Garry and her start having sex, she will feel much closer to Garry and perhaps forget you. Even though, she usually waits three months before sleeping with someone she is dating, she makes an exception in Garry’s case; simply because she thinks that sleeping with him will make her forget about you.scumbag_garry

So they start sleeping together. Even though the sex is great, she is still not at peace with herself. She still can’t let go of the empty feeling when she is alone. She feels a little better when she is with Garry, but she can’t shake the feeling that this relationship is not giving her the peace that she expected.

At this point, most people realize that this new relationship will not bring them the peace and happiness they were hoping it would. But Jane is having a hard time accepting that. She thinks that the new relationship, despite not being what she expected, is still giving her some level of comfort. If she ends the relationship, she will have to face all the pain and emptiness alone and she doesn’t think she is ready to do it yet.

She continues her relationship, in hope that her level of intimacy with Garry will increase and the empty feeling inside her will slowly go away. She makes pathetic attempts to move the relationship faster hoping that she can gain the same level of intimacy that comes from long-term relationship. Attempts like moving in together after only 5 weeks of dating; meeting Garry’s parents and asking Garry to meet her parents; planning to move overseas with Garry. A few years ago, if you asked Jane whether or not she would move this much fast in a relationship, she would’ve called you crazy. But yet, here she is, rushing a relationship faster than a speeding bullet.

The story of Jane demonstrates a classic rebound behavior. Eventually, Jane would breakup with Garry and will try to deal with her breakup pain. She might feel that she is in love with Garry because Garry provides her with comfort and an escape from the pain that she desires deeply. Garry is a temporary solution that is alleviating the pain, but he is not the cure.

But soon enough, she will realize her relationship with Garry for what it is. A rebound. It did help her run away from the emptiness in her life, but it didn’t fill it. She is still empty and she can only be at peace with herself when she decides to face the breakup pain. (Read: How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She has Moved on to A New Boyfriend)

Who They Are In a Rebound Relationship

Apart from moving the rebound relationship too fast, another common behavior that rebound relationships have is choosing someone they’d not go for normally.

For example, suppose your ex always says he/she wants someone with a career goal. And after they breakup with you, they start a relationship with someone who has no career and no life goals whatsoever.

In some cases, your ex will choose someone who is completely opposite of you in every possible way. This is again, very common rebound behavior.

Why Do They Do This?

The reason behind this behavior is overcompensation. The relationship with you didn’t work and left them in pain. They think that finding someone completely opposite will probably give them happiness. In some cases, your ex will find a type of person they don’t usually go for. Someone who is not even compatible with their life goal. Someone who is not even their type. Just because they have hope that if they go for someone completely different, they’ll find happiness.

Some people go into a rebound deliberately and choose someone completely incompatible with them because they know it’s a rebound. They are not thinking of a long-term relationship. They are thinking of a short term rebound relationship which will hopefully help them get over the breakup.

Your Ex’s Behavior towards You

A very common sign of a rebound relationship is whether or not they are trying to rub in your face. If your ex is going out of their way to show you they are happy in their relationship and everything’s going great, then it’s probably a rebound and they are not doing that great in reality.

One of the most common indicators of this behavior is their social media profile (Facebook, twitter etc.). Your ex knows that you are checking their Facebook and if they are constantly posting picture with their rebound then it’s a sign that they are in a rebound.

Of course, this behavior is subjective. Some people are extremely active on Facebook and twitter while some people don’t usually post their personal life all over social media. You know your ex better than anyone, so you are the best judge if they are doing it to rub it in your face or not.

One of the examples of this social media behavior that I want to share came from one of my readers.

She posted on his Facebook wall whether or not he wants to move to Australia with her next year when she wants to do her PhD.  He replied, he’d love to. How can she go for some guy who has no plan for his future and could move to another country just like that? She always said she wanted someone who has some goals in life.

First of all, which couple discusses big life decision on their Facebook wall? She clearly posted this message for her ex to see. Which shows she is not over him and is most probably in a rebound.

What if they try to hide their relationship?

On the other end of the spectrum, there are exes who will try to hide their new relationship from you. This is fairly uncommon and it could mean two things.

1. They know it’s a rebound and they want to get back together with you someday. They don’t want to upset you or want you to move on. They don’t want you to start dating someone else because they are not over you and are hoping you will wait for them to come back.

2. They want to take their new relationship slow and don’t want you to bother them. This might be true if you had been acting like a crazy, stalky ex who wouldn’t leave them alone.

If they are hiding their new relationship, then it’s completely up to you to figure out which category they fall into. After all, you know your ex and your situation better than anyone else.

What to Do If They Are In a Rebound?

If they are in a rebound, you still have to apply the no contact rule and follow the 5-step plan. If you haven’t read the main 5 step plan to get your ex back, then you should. It’s possibly the best free guide on getting your ex back on the Internet. In addition, you might also want to read this article on what to do if your ex boyfriend is in another relationship.

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469 comments ...add one

  • Joe
    Hi, so i was dating this girl for about 2 years and we loved each other very much. We spent everyday we could together. I slipped up and cheated on her with another girl. I then told her about what had happened and she became super angry and slept with a guy to hurt me. She told me right after she did it to make sure i felt the pain. I obviously want her back because I acknowledged my mistake but now she does not want to talk to me. She is now with the same dude and is posting alot about him on social media for me to see. I want to commit to fixing our relationship but understand that she is not in the best state of mind to talk. I'm going to start no contact for at least 45 days and see what happens. I'm pretty sure she still loves me and is just rebounding. Any suggestions or concerns i should be worried about?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Joe, At the moment, leave her be (no matter how painful it may be to see them together) and during this NC period, spend time focusing and improving yourself as a person. Give her that space to calm down and let her relationship with the guy fade out before coming back.
      Reply
    • Joe
      Thanks Ryan, I will follow what you have instructed. So say i do NC and i message her and shes still upset with me, is there anything i can do? Also, I have a strong belief that she is scared to come back to me because of how bad i hurt her. Im pretty sure this girl is my soulmate.
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Joe, If you're really sure that she's your soulmate and you're willing to wait, if after you apply NC and she is still upset with you, that means that it may be still too soon and you have to give her even more time, continuing with NC for as long as necessary.
      Reply
  • Mitch
    It’s been about eight months since me and my girl friend broke up after 1 year into the relationship. She was the one to break off the relationship. Although, I was devastated and tried convincing we can make things work, I came to a point that of not replying to her because she was blabbering non-sence in her final set of msgs. I went to a NC, and after 2 months she contacts me again. I took it slow and talked with her. And understood that she is showing interest. However, after a while she went cold again. The same happened again twice within a period of 4 months. This was taking me through an emotional rollercoaster. But however, I went NC again. About a month ago, she send me a msg again asking how I am. I started to talk to her, she was really nice and comforting but with time she went cold again. Unfortunately, I became a bit needy this time around. So she sent me a set of msgs full of anger, and told me that she didn’t want to talk to me again. Right now I’m in a NC period. But recently I've heard that she seeing a guy. I'm hearing that she rushing into progress with the new guy. So what I your advice on this to me. What should I do?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Mitch, I suggest you leave them be and continue with NC indefinitely. If she's in a rebound, she will eventually break up with the guy and the rushing into things may be a way to compensate for any negative emotions she might feel against you. The whole point of going into NC is to allow you to recover from any emotional hurt you might have faced as well as improve yourself. It's hard to do that if she keeps coming back to you but leaving you short each time. Even if you want her back, you should be at a point where you're okay if she's back in your life, but also okay if she's not before trying for anything again.
      Reply
    • Mitch
      Thanks Ryan, Appreciate the fact that you had time to respond to me. Could I ask you why she's showing this kind of behaviour even though its been like 9 months since the break up?
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      There may still be underlying feelings of resentment towards you regarding the overall negative emotions she felt during the relationship, but it's only speculation on my part. If you really want to know for certain, the only way is to actually ask her about it.
      Reply
  • april sherman
    hey kevin. as everyone in the room here, i need help. so, my bf broke up with me (we've been together for 5 and a half years), said he want to focus on his career, says he feel bad for being unable to help me in my hard times, and so on. i dont understand why because we were fine two days ago, it just come out of the blue. i dont accept it of course, but then within couple of days he posted a picture with another girl saying what lovers would say. That just hurt me really bad so i told him, "is that really the reason why? because u already have a new one?" and he just keep apologizing. we discussed about that, i said i forgive him only if he leaves her, he said he need some time, and what bothers me most is he block my Instagram, so i deactivated mine. now we dont talk anymore, but surely i know he is still with that girl and, i still want him back. do u think i had a chance? do u think me and him could start over? what am i supposed to do now? seriously i need help here, thnk u
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi April, Well at the moment, there isn't much you can do because of it's never right to break a relationship up. If they're together, and has resorted to even blocking you on social media platforms, then it would better for the time being that you also move on. In the future if he ever breaks up with her and you still want him back, then perhaps you could try again but right now, I suggest applying the no contact rule.
      Reply
  • Dee
    My girlfriend and I broke up in July, she was having some family issues, she gave me the reason that she wasn't good for me, that was why the breakup happened, so she isn't going to hurt me. I followed the NC rule for 3 weeks, everything seemed to be working, she said she wanted us back, but she needed time. In October, she started dating someone. I'm about to follow the NC rule for second time, hoping it will work
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi there, If she says that she wants you back but got together with someone else, perhaps you could try to understand why it happened. Yes, apply NC again and don't interfere with their relationship and if it's a rebound, she will break it off eventually. However, you shouldn't stay in one place for this period either (not moving on) and at least spend this time focusing on yourself by doing things like going out with your friends, perhaps even date again, and when the next opportunity presents itself (if it does), at least you'll be emotionally prepared for it.
      Reply
  • Danielle
    Hello, I've noticed my situation maybe a little more entangled then some. My boyfriend and I have live together sharing a house for almost nine years. He suffers from bipolar disorder and has recently been going through Cycles very quickly. He had met a woman on a singles website that he became friends with. Whenever he was feeling less than adequate or he and I were arguing he would go to that woman for validation that he's a great person and he's right. A long story short, we've been going through some very trying times and even the loss of a child. He is what I call a chronic Runner, always running from his problems and never facing hard feelings and emotions. About six weeks ago we got into a terrible argument. He packed his things and he moved in with this woman. I still live in our home and we still communicate pretty much every day. He states that they are in a relationship because he feels he needs to stay at her house and he doesn't want to rock the boat. He says he wants his own place and is looking for a townhome. He is very interested in what I'm doing and my well being. He has told me numerous times that he is still very much in love with me and that he does not love her at all. He likes her and appreciates the things that she does for him like allowing him to stay in her home. He lies to her and comes over here and we'd even slept together. Both of us are grown he is almost 50 and I am 40. Neither of us want to hurt anybody but I would love to work things out with him. Do we know contact is not going to work for us because as I stated we share a home together and most of his belongings are still here. I will not prevent him from coming to his own house or even make that suggestion. It could be cause to feel paranoia that exist from his bipolar disorder. Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated. He's extremely concerned that I might start dating and fall in love with someone. I've explained that I'm just not ready for this. He feels a lot of regret that he is living with somebody else but at the same time he knows he does not want to live in this house whether I were here or not. What should I do? What steps do I take at this juncture? We are both very much in love with each other and he even mentioned that he thought perhaps this was just a break that we need but in my mind it's not doing anything to deal with the issues we had. Thank you for your time and I hope to hear back.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Danielle, Since no contact and asking him to move out is out of the question, perhaps at a later given date when everyone has more or less calmed down from the situation, sit down and have a talk with him regarding the issues you guys faced and how you can work together to solve them. More importantly, he definitely has to let go of the other woman if you guys want the relationship to work since that will only serve as a constant obstacle and something for him to run to every time an issues arises.
      Reply
  • Satyam
    Hey Kelvin I was with in relationship for almost 2 years. Everytime she given me a chance result was the same We fought And always I break her. Now finally she decided to end up the things on 18 Oct from 18 Oct to 21st Oct she was thinking why she has done this But I called her everytime she said she want some space and time still I called her Now she is just irritated with me On 23rd I said that I will not call you Now what I will do Does she will really miss me.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey, I suggest you give her the space she wants and don't apply too much pressure on her. You've been together for two years and there's a chance she still loves and misses you but let her be the one to say she's ready. And if you do get back together, please work on your recurring issues to make sure the relationship lasts this time.
      Reply
  • Himanshu
    Dear Mr kevin please help me out, I have had been dating a girl for 5 months, she even told me that she will get married to someone else because she is a Muslim, for some time she got confused between me and him, but eventually decided to end with me after seeing my conversation on FB with my exes, I did not tell her about my past casual relationships, though I really am serious for her and think she is the last girl in my life. she says she won't ever trust me again, I was her first boyfriend, blocked me from everywhere where before I acted as a doormat for a month, she told me that she has grown her relationship with him now, because I acted so weird n troubled and Disturbed her, and she loves him. I don't know what to do, but I really think I can't live without her, as far as no contact is concerned, I fear she might get engaged in a month, which she planned to postpone few weeks ago. She did ask me to live happily n let her go for her happiness before things got worse between us,the guy she's gonna marry is also professionally senior to me. we three are doctors, I really need help, just can't focus on anything and want her back. I told her I rely love her and will wait for her forever but she's says she doesn't gives a damn n would never trust me coz I have been in many relationships before, moreover my ex did also call in front of her for no reason n she even doubted that. I really love her, please help me. She even told me she is not going to cheat him by even talking to me or else he will be shattered n he left his girlfriend to marry her,things are all complicated. Please help.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Himanshu, Right now, by going back to her, you're going to come across as needy and desperate and this will push her further away. If she is indeed planning to get married, your best bet would be to focus on recovery and working on yourself. If she really loves you, she will come back eventually but it isn't something you should pressure her into because that doesn't work. I suggest applying the no contact rule in order to give yourself some distance from the situation and this might help you gain a fresh perspective.
      Reply
  • Elis
    Hey Kevin. My bf and I were together for 1.5 year. We were really good together and had great chemistry. Two weeks ago though he break up with me because he said that he's not in love with me anymore.. but I believe its because I left. On September I had to move out of town and the plan was that we were gonna be in a LDR for this year. By the beginning of June we were gonna live together. We were in our first month of LDR when he realised that he loves me but is not in love with me. It shocked me to hear that and after a lot of talking he finally admitted that he felt an attraction for another girl.. now this girl was a friend of his. I knew her and I can guarantee you that there was nothing going on between the two of them before I left. Actually we were crazy in love while I was still there. I'm sure about that. Anyway, I accepted what he said. I even told him that I would block him on fb cause it wound be to painful for me to see him with her. He said he understands. He did asked me to be friends but I said no. Eventually we said our goodbyes and I haven't contacted him ever since. I've stuck to the no contact rule. And then he posed a pic of his with her as his new gf. And of course he didn't do it on fb. No, he posted it on Instagram. Now I just unfollowed him on Instagram, because 1) he hadn't posted anything at all. He had 0 posts and never really cared about it and 2) because he told me that he would delete the account. So I didn't thought it was necessary to block him there too. So imagine my surprise when my friend showed me that pic. Another thing I have to nention is that on fb we had no common friends. But on Instagram my friends follow him, and so does some of my family members.. So there was no way that I woudn't found out about his first post. Two weeks... exactly two weeks after our break up he just moved on. And it was really out of his character! He never uploaded pic of us. And we were together for so long... I know it sounds crazy but I fell that he did it on purpose. Like he is angry at me because I haven't contacted him ever since the break up and wants to hurt me now or something.. could that be true?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Elis, Perhaps in situations like these, it would be best to actually ask him so as to not leave yourself jumping to conclusions? It may be likely he is currently going through a rebound which you can read up more here Long distance can be hard and if he can't be honest with you, it will also be very hard to initiate anything or progress. First complete the no contact period to give yourself some space.
      Reply
  • Tim
    Kevin, my ex cheated on me then dumped me for this person. They have only been dating for a month but already she says that she feels he is the one. Yet she said that she still feels that way about me. After reading this, the signs point to this being a rebound and that's somewhat comforting. She's rubbed him in my face, she's staying with him. This person is the total opposite of me in every way. Recently she told me that we should be friends at first and slowly work towards getting back together. I agreed to it, as long as we get back together. She already knows I want to. She said that if/when we do get back together,this other person will back off. I want to believe there's hope but she hasn't messaged me in days. Do I do the no-contact routine again or what?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Tim, If you have not done no contact till now, then you absolutely must do it for at least two months. She cheated on you which is a huge betrayal of trust. Even if you get back together, it will be hard for you to trust her again. Right now, you just want her back out of desperation and fear of losing her forever. These are not good reasons to get back together. Take your time and think things through. By doing no contact, you will also show her that you are not desperate to get back with her, which is going to make her more attractive to you. It might even make her think about her actions and regret what she did.
      Reply
  • Jazz
    I was dating my collegue for about a year i felt like he was pulling away and things were changing. So i went onto no contact with him. He tried reaching out to me after 10days but I did not reply him. After my no contact was over I tried messging him with a nice memory we shared it did not show any needeness or any sign that I want him back. But there was no reply from him. I waited for another 5 days and sent him a text still no reply. Why is he not responding? Did he loose intrest in me? Is he so mad at me that he is not reafy to speak with him at all? What should I do now? Plz help
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Jazz, Yes, it does seem like he is mad. You should do no contact again for a couple of weeks. The next time you contact him, don't send a nice memory or a casual text. Instead, use a serious text. Something like the elephant in the room text mentioned in this article.
      Reply
  • Mari
    My ex broke me up a month ago now but we still keep in touch. We were so happy before and all of the sudden he found another girl. I know him he cant live with only one woman. I lived with him for many months and I took care of him like we were a couple.Yes what he did was very humiliating, insulting and embarrasing. The lovely things he said to me before now after meeting the girl was totally opposite. He knows I love him so much. Lately, he said to me that the girl is a total opposite of me. But I dont believe him because he keeps lying to me. He wants to still keep in touch of me but I am not getting any affection from him anymore. One time he asked me if I still like him or love him. I dont feel the respect anymore. Even if he said I am better than the other girl but they still keep seeing each other. I am now trying not to contact him. I kbnow I want him back and I know how unstable he is emotionally. What will I do ?
    Reply
  • Becky
    I was seeing this guy for 14 months. I love him and I know he loves me. Our plan was to move in together at the end of summer. During our relationship he would get mad over simple things and tell me that our relationship wouldnt work but he always came back. This time he left and immediately started seeing some one less than two weeks later. I never contacted him at all and on Mothers Day he texted me. He says only to see if I had a good day. Of course the texting turned into my telling him that I loved him and wanted to be together. I was always very open and honest to him about my life and everything going on but he never truly opened up to me about anything. Now he is saying I always kept him at arms length which is so untrue. He is still seeing this other girl. It is close to a month that we broke up He always broke up with me thru text messages never face to face. I havent texted him since sunday and it is now wednesday and he has texted me twice.......what do i do???
    Reply
  • Jack
    Kevin, got out of a drastic relationship after 5 years in December 2014. Jan 2015 met this girl but I was heartbroken. Kept her on hold for two years and now she dumped me the day I declared. Any chances?
    Reply
  • Mark
    Good day, I have stumbled upon this site looking for answers. I was in a Long Distance Relationship with the most wonderful Girl recently, we talked and saw each other for about a year, but due to Life, it slowed down. Then out of the blue, she said she wasn't ready for it, which we were going as slow as we could. So I drove Five hours out of my way to find out what was happening and as it turns out she has found herself a new guy, who just "kinda showed up", and that she doesn't want to talk to me or even be my Friend, because she doesn't want to hurt us anymore than what she has. I really don't know what to do or think. I've looked at your Five Steps to Breakups and don't know. I don't even want to talk to her, but I want her back and things just seem to fall apart without her. If you get the time to read through this, please, reply, I need help.
    Reply
  • Sian
    Me and my boyfriend got together at 18 and in a relationship for 2 and a half years before he broke up with me two months ago very suddenly, we were very happy so i wasn't expecting it. He told me his reasons were because he's not enjoying work hes feeling low and just cant be in a relationship right now. We saw eachother a few times after the break up just so i could ask some questions but when we met it was so nice we just caught up with eachother and had a laugh. Ive been using nc now for about 2 weeks. But it looks like he might be seeing someone (hes know her his whole life, they breifly dated when they were 13 and have mutual friends and work near eachother) im now questioning his reasons for the break up and if he actually rekindled with her or they started to talk after the break up. Is there any chance this could be a rebound? And do i have a chance of winning him back over? I feel like hes over me and moved on.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Sian, If they just briefly dated when he was 13, then there's a good chance it's a rebound. You do have a chance of getting him back. But you should still do no contact and learn to be happy without him before trying.
      Reply
  • Toni Djakic
    I was her rebound guy... Now she is in new relationship... She broke my heart in 10000 peaces... And now 4 months later im still in shit and she is in love with him... Life sucks man...
    Reply
  • Jay Sands
    Oh Heck noooooo, If she's in a relantionship and having sex with some whatever, move on, leave, get yourself a nicer one, there are better ones believe me, let her keep on rebounding for the rest of her life then. Disgusting
    Reply
  • Luke
    Kevin, Ive done everything wrong, I really wish I had read your article a month ago. When I found out my ex was in a new relationship I was still struggling with the breakup. I got drunk and I sent very angry messages to both of them. I was so upset, I didnt play it cool at all. Im pretty sure from what Ive read here that Ive only pushed her further into his arms. Is there any coming back from this? Im one week into No Contact now, but i think im going to have to wait at least 2 months.
    Reply
  • confusedbutok
    My ex gf broke up with me at the end of November and found out she was on Match a month later. We started talking very briefly via texts a month ago and she'd respond to my texts but never initiated. I tried asking her to get together to catch up but she said she doesn't think that's a good idea yet because she's currently happy with someone else. I didn't get upset or show jealousy just told her ok and to remember if she needs an ear I'm here for her. Now I've decided to not contact anymore. My question, if this is a rebound is better to not interfere or to keep in touch with her during? Many conflicting advice online, one source claims I need to keep in touch so she develops a stronger emotional bond with me before her new guy can
    Reply
    • Kevin
      If she is cold towards you, you should do no contact for a while and let her initial honeymoon period get over. If she is not cold towards you and you have already done no contact, then you can stay in touch with her.
      Reply
    • confusedbutok
      How would I know when the honeymoon phase is over to contact again? When I had suggested getting together to catch up and she said it wasn't a good idea yet I told her no problem don't be shy to suggest it sometime. Should I just not contact at all until she does?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      It usually takes a month or two. I'd suggest you do wait at least one month. If she doesn't contact you, then you should contact her.
      Reply
  • Victoria
    Hi Kevin My ex and I were daing for 7 months. Had a wonderful summer together. But there were a lot of problems throughout our relationship. He is a very needy guy and very jealous guy. He broke up with me cuz I hurt him about things that he's exaggerated about and jumping to conclusions and a lot of miscommunication. Towards the end, he contacted me after we broke up wanting to see me and messing with my head. Like he didn't want to work things out but he didn't wanna let go either. I couldn't take it anymore, I blocked him out of my life. I had too in order for me to move on. 2 weeks later he started seeing someone else. I was in shock and it hurt me so much!!! I ran into him at a bar, he was with friends, didn't see his new girl with him at all. One of his friends said he saw me and left cuz he didn't want me to be uncomfortable. That just hurt more! I read about rebound relationships, is he in one? I felt more Luke I may have been a rebound from his last relationship. That ended 6 months before we started dating. He's had feelings for me for 2 years before we got together, but he was rushing the relationship when I wanted to take things slow. My questions are, is he rebounding with the new girl? Or was I a rebound as well? Its been almost 3 months since we broke up and I am doing the no contact...
    Reply
    • Kevin
      He is probably in a rebound. I don't think you were a rebound since he took 6 months after his last relationship to begin a relationship with you. Regardless of that, your best course of action is to follow the 5 step plan.
      Reply
    • Victoria
      I've done the 5 step plan. I guess its gonna take 6 months for the no contact. And Im too scared to write him that letter, especially when he's with someone else. Our anniversary is may 3. He made a big deal about our anniversary We hooked up at a big 80s bash that happens every year. He won that contest. The same bash is happening in April. When I looked at the info about it online, his pic was right there. I started to cry. I guess I still need to work on my emotions. I guess I'm hoping, he will know about the event, and maybe he will think of me. It just seems to much if a sign. Thank you Kevin for listening :)
      Reply
  • Kj
    It's just now it seems like she was in it just to wait. I don't see how he is better then me. Just because you are best friends and like some of the same things or like to eat at same place. Or the fact you have same interest in spiritual beliefs and he takes you to shows and flashy events dealing with art because that's what he does he does tattoos and he makes paintings for her. Doesn't mean that we could never have gone to those fancy shows and places or that we never had same interests either. I would try at least to do things to make her happy. And the fact the she seems to have changed a lot like overnight since it ended. When first time I saw her I was like your all different she agreed she is into things she was not into before but all of a sudden? Like I don't think she lives around here or work around here anymore. Before it ended we were talking bout getting a place and I'm sure she probably stays with him now or has. I don't see how he is better besides being artist. There are things I know she really isn't down with and some of them he has. But I'm sure she thinks is really great which obviously she doesn't see and probably couldn't care about because they are best friends and they get along so perfect with and about everything even when physical intimacy was introduced and involved I sure she thinks that's also perfect too. People say she is only with him cause he provides the material things and takes her to these amazing places because she is really young and he is 14 years older and had a thing for her for years. It's hard to believe in what people say even when they are trying to help in a lot of ways because they don't know situation they say same as what few others agree at.
    Reply
  • Kj
    I already know what their relationship is. I can't do and give her the materiel things she likes that he can like tattoos. I'm more concerned on what our supposedly "relationship" was actually Or apprently wasn't. That's the thing I end up analyzing.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      OK. That makes sense. You said she was in a relationship with you for 7 months. Granted it's not a very long time. It is still not considered a short relationship. I don't think she would have stayed with you if you didn't mean anything to her. Even though, she chose not to be with you in the end, it doesn't mean she never wanted to be with you in the first place. You were important to her at some point. And that changed at the end. But that's OK. Perhaps you two were not meant for each other. Perhaps there is someone better out there suited for you. And you will never find her unless you learn to stop obsessing over. You might try to convince yourself that the relationship didn't mean anything to her and she was just playing with you. But that's only gong to make it worse. Thinking about your relationship with her in this way is just going to lower your self esteem it's going to hurt your next relationship. There is no way of knowing what was going on in her mind when she was in the relationship with you unless you invent a time machine, get a mad brain scientist, go back in time and get the scientist to analyze her thoughts and behavior. But that's not possible. The only way you can analyze your past relationship right now is just by memories and conjecture. And neither one of them can give you an accurate description of what the relationship meant to her. In the end, you have two choices 1. Take the relationship as it was; i.e; a relationship that ran it's course and ended. You probably meant a lot to her at one point and like many other relationships, that changed and she ended the relationship. 2. Keep telling yourself the relationship didn't mean anything to her and you were just a plaything for her. Decreasing your self worth and self esteem in the process and putting an unnecessary roadblock for yourself in moving on and finding the right girl for you.
      Reply
    • Kj
      She's postings saying she loves him. I don't get it. From someone you said to my face was like a brother to now saying " I got a good one" with happy faces to " I love you" with hearts a smiles. (referring to him obviously) saying that so quick even if you had a thing for him and he obviously was just over the top feelings for you when you were "friends" she never said that to me that quick
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Kj, Again, you are just concentrating on her. Everything you write is starting with "She". Why not concentrate on yourself. YOU. YOU had a relationship that failed. YOU need to move on. YOU need to realize what will help you move on and what will keep you obsessed over her. YOU need to stop thinking about the past and start thinking of your future.
      Reply
    • Kj
      Is there a way to see if they were only with you because they were only physically attracted to you especially when they are saying the same things they said to you to their new partner.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      No, that's my point. There is no way of knowing that.
      Reply
    • Kj
      I have been right so far this whole time so I can see that before she made official choice for herself to end things she had already moved on and past me with simplest of ease even if she said she missed me or thought of me which I don't see a true since she had already started seeing him more and more. Also seen that she said she loves him so I see that they think they are soulmates and always have been but take away the material things he does and the notion of you thinking you have same ideology and I don't see much there. I don't see him being 100% better in every way like see she's but like I said she said she loves him so I know that we will never see one another or hear from one another again. It sucks to be painted in negative light by everyone in her life because they only knew one side and that they would tell her to bail he not good enough or he just the same as all the rest. When I know that was not true.
      Reply
  • DD
    Dear Kevin, i am a guy. we broke up 3 months ago. I heard about this no contact rule and i did it for one month..but then i did not know what kind of texts to send. I ended up begging for forgiveness again. This time I am going for the next no contact period. Do i need a longer time now? the fact that that i screwed up last time, how is it going to affect this time?
    Reply
  • Kj
    In a honest opinion on how things have gone so far. Like how long things have been over. The things that have happen since things ended like the random text sayin miss me or thinking and the few times she has come to see me since it ended. Even the whole thing with her dating her friend maybe even still. Last time I heard it saw from her was middle of October when she came to my place. So after everything in a honest opinion what does it look like really. I know how it looks and how things are but, would or do you see it as being completely over and it has been for some time from her perspective. Like I know the time apart has been long and a lot of things have happen. I have been trying a lot to just focus on myself and not think of her and what's she is doing in her life now or who she is doing things with or has been for how long.
    Reply
    • Kj
      I ended up slipping the other day and found myself looking her up. She still is seeing her friend and looks so much more happier then she was before. She has gotten a lot more tattoos recently and one she posted saying it was from her babe. She also updated her fb with new picture of them. I knew from the start this was never a rebound. It is the one she always wanted to be with and the one that makes her more happier then she ever was.
      Reply
    • Kj
      It just shows that I never meant anything real. Not from the very start. I was just someone she thought was better looking then the last guy that's it. Looks like we never had anything at all nothing serious or real nothing that made her happy or happy she was with me. Just a place holder for the next better thing.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Kj, I don't think that's true. Self-deprecating thoughts are very common and one of the worst ways to deal with a breakup. Isn't it possible that she did have a meaningful relationship with you and after the breakup she just found someone more compatible than you? You are trapping yourself in negativity about the relationship and yourself and I will suggest you seek professional help at this point. A therapist can help a lot if you are unable to let go of obsessive thoughts.
      Reply
    • Kj
      It's the fact that why did she lie multiple times to me let alone to my face about things. It made me look stupid in the end for believing she actually meant things like missing me or thinking of me or wanting so see me when she did. What is there to possibly miss when you have had your best friend as your new boyfriend for some time and you love this guy.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      That's where you are wrong. She didn't lie to you. She actually missed you and was thinking about you. Because you were important to her and it's hard to get over a relationship especially if you are in a rebound.
      Reply
    • kj
      After reading a lot of different things last couple months I have started to think that I was just a rebound from the start because she would always say stuff about how she is really attracted to me but nothing else. not that I can remember her saying any other reasons why she with me or why she is happy. So it makes me think that she didn't really have any interest anyway just bidden her time for him. There are a lot of articles written out there about positives of "rebounds" how they are actually proven to be better for you and that they are not rebounds they are just new better relationships. Also there are a lot of articles written about how your best friend is the perfect one for you and the popularity of girls ending up dating their best friends and it being the best thing they ever had, also things on how they are the perfect ones for you all this time but you only recognize it after so many years.
      Reply
    • Kj
      Even if it was a "rebound" it's been going on since she ended it and still going on. So clearly it is not a rebound not was it ever. Also think she had the interest of them before she even ended
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Everything you are saying might be true (and might not). What is your next move? Our aim here is to help you become a happier and more confident person. You are supposed to learn to live a happy life with or without your ex. How is over-analyzing her relationship going to help you? How are you planning to get out of this state of mind leave her behind? If you can't seem to do it by yourself, you should seek professional help.
      Reply
  • Robert
    Hi Kevin, I need help figuring out if my ex is in a rebound relationship and what I should do next. My ex girlfriend and I have been separated for just over 5 months. Recently we started talking again and have hung out like 4 times. I thought things were starting to turn. The day before Thanksgiving. We went out to watch a movie and while waiting for the movie to start I told her of what I thought was a funny story of my nieces asking for her. She got emotional about it and started to cry. I apologized. After the movie we went to get dinner and she started to cry again. She said that it was too hard for her. I told her it wasn't easy for me either. She said that she lost of her family, meaning my family. We later talked in the car where she told me that she was seeing someone but is torn between me and this other guy because I'm a great guy. She also said that she doesn't feel anything for me but then contradicted herself by saying that she has been afraid to do anything with this guy because she still cares for me a lot and has a lot respect for me. Also by saying that one of the times we hung out she just wanted to kiss me. She also kept saying that I'm such a good guy and that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, which I don't know what that means because that's what she's doing. I told her that I guess I'm kind of waiting for her which made her cry. At one point she said that this guy is kind of a looser but he makes her happy and wants to give him a chance. Which is also contradictory because one of the issues with me was I "didn't know what I wanted in life." She said that it's not a rebound relationship that it's away of wanting to move on even though she says she's an emotional mess and considers herself "damaged goods" and no one would want to date her. Furthermore, she said that December 7th was going to be hard not to talk to me because it would have been our anniversary. Towards the end of the conversation there was a lot of touching. She rubbed my arm, held my hand and she even put my hand on her face. Not sure what it meant. Towards the end she said something like we have unfinished business and that we even have like imaginary kids, I agreed. The conversation wasn't an argument we talked calmly and towards the end we even laughed a little. I recently noticed she added this guy on Facebook and also saw that he is at least 5 years older than her which is also very unusual. I don't know how long she has been seeing him but I know that she has been looking for dates soon after we broke up. She had referenced a "friend" that lives in the same place as him so maybe she has been hiding him. I believe that it is a rebound relationship or at least I'm hoping it is. What do you think? And what should I do next? I've done no contact with her in the past. I've had a couple of casual text conversations with her since so she's not ignoring me. Although I have been biting my tongue on many things I want to tell her but I'm afraid of saying them because they may work against me. I'm really starting to loose hope. Also would contacting her in any way on what would have been our anniversary be wrong?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Robert, I think you should just stay calm and let her make her decision. Just don't act needy and stay strong. If you show any weakness or neediness, it's going to work against you. If you have finished no contact already, then there's no harm in contacting her on the anniversary.
      Reply
    • Robert
      Thank you Kevin. I would want to say something to her on the day of the anniversary but I'm not sure what. Any advice on what I should or shouldn't say? I'll be honest Kevin I don't have many people to talk to about this issue so I appreciate the advice.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Robert, I recommend that you don't initiate contact and let her do it. If you feel like you must absolutely talk to her, then you can use one of the texts from the 5 step plan.
      Reply
  • Kj
    Just meant it in a general sense because the article says 2-3 months then it's probably not rebound. Plus all the the signs that your ex is suppose to show to determine if they are or not in rebound. Like I don't see any of the signs just the ignoring and already moved on signs. I have heard she has been getting a lot of tattoos from him recently. And they pertain to him. There are a bunch of articles out there on how to be more then just friends with a girl you have always had feelings for or how to be physical intimate with your friend. Kind of makes you think those are more relatable to them then anything else.
    Reply
    • Kj
      I have a question. Not saying this will happen not even by a long shot or anything. But say you end up being right about her being in a rebound relationship with her friend. If it is then if it doesn't work out won't it just mean they will still be the same way they are now but just say they are not together. Wouldn't they still be the same way like hanging out all time having great time together and other things. And if she did end up being single what reason would she even contact me not saying to get together or anything like that but just in general. Why would she want to after all this time I'm sure that she would have gotten completely over me by now or if not she hasn't way before. Being closer to her friend then she usual was and if it didn't work why would she even think of me. Let alone feel anything. Or say for some strange reason she actually does contact me sometime here and wants to talk or hangout and say some small chance in heck that we do this on regular basis we just talk more and what stops her from constantly thinking of him as more of a friend. Like if we ever did get together ( not saying that there is any chance of that or it will happen in future) but wouldn't she be thinking of him when she would be around me. Wouldn't she be missing him a lot and the way they were together as more then friends. Or wouldn't she be comparing what they had when more then friends and what we had. ( again not saying that there is any chance in heck that we will ever be anything ever again nor let alone if she ever will talk to me.) I already assume she has been completely over me for long time. I'm tying to work on things but this came up and it has been in my mind.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      I can't say if she will decide to be friends with him if they broke up. But it's possible. It doesn't necessarily mean she will still has feelings for him. Everything you are asking is based on the assumption that they have a great relationship together. And as I said earlier, social media is not an accurate reflection of relationship. There's a good chance she is not as happy with him as you are thinking in your mind. But take a step back for a second and look at how much obsessed you are becoming. Your mind is trying to find something to be obsessed about. If she gets back together with you and she is thinking about that guy, you can deal with it at that time. You can talk to her about it or maybe even leave her. Thinking about these ludicrous situations is not going to help you in anyway right now. The only thing it'll do is keep you in this obsessed state of mind.
      Reply
    • Kj
      I just have been reading a lot of different things lately books and articles and was just wondering how people are getting with their exs after long periods of time. Like how it happens after long periods of no association or someone being in a relationship. I'm not focusing or trying to find ways to get her back right now. I already know once it's over its over. It's just how to go about getting one back after 6 months or more and they been in or still in relationship. Like it cants just be you run into that person down the road and start talking and having good time again and be like we should try again and it works. That's all I was wondering. If the ex is or has been in relationship since it ended why would the want to get back with their ex let alone associate with them after all that time.
      Reply
    • Kj
      I already know when she gives you an opportunity and you make her feel like she wasted her time it's over and there isn't going to be another chance. Especially when you have a long time apart and she is already completely past and over you
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Kj, A lot of times, the reason people break up is fixed and things change during the period they are far apart. And when they get in touch with each other, they realize that there is a good chance their relationship might work better this time, and they give it another go.
      Reply
    • Kj
      Isn't that more of a general stipulation or stereotype for people who been in a more serious significant amount of time together. That being with someone for like a year or so is when they have better chance of working things out in "long time apart". Compared to people who have not been together that long. I can't see 7 months as being significant time or the other person think that either. That and when you have been apart for almost as long as you were together don't that kill any chance of that " running into them and realizing things could work" type deal.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Yes, the time spent together with your ex matters. And yes, 7 months is not a long time. But it's still significant if you two had a good connection.
      Reply
    • Kj
      I don't think she had feels that she did. After all this time I think she has realized that she didn't feel that great of connection like she might of thought. That's why I think she moved on and over as quick as she has already and to the next guy she feels she has better connection with. I thought we did have good connection she seemed happy but not really sure now but that don't really mean anything anymore at this point.
      Reply
  • Kj
    My former ex who is just married recently told me that she been thinking of me and misses me. we talked and she said that I was someone special and meant something and that I still mean something to her. So is this a clear sign that I was never really anything to my current ex? since she has never said anything like that. About the only thing she has said in past is she misses me but never that I meant something or still do or was important. Nothing to that nature. Also confused why I'm getting told that I was important and I am misses more by a older ex then current one. Does this mean that my current ex just easily cut me out of her life to just easily and quickly with no hesitation replace me with her new boyfriend her friend?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      No it just means she is in a rebound and didn't really have time to process her emotions.
      Reply
    • Kj
      How would one know that though. If it's a 2-3 month thing then it's not really a rebound it's just a relationship. How is it technically considered a rebound if they never really said that you meant something. Specially if they found someone they mash up with better and everything in general about that person is better. (getting along, common interests, physical intimacy, overall feeling for and toward that person, deeper connection, etc) kind of makes it hard to call it or see as a "rebound"
      Reply
    • Kevin
      You can't know for sure. I'll again revert you back to this comment and this comment.
      Reply
  • Kj
    I don't have any regrets from my former ex who is married now. It showed me the difference between being happy physical with someone and not really caring compared to actually caring for someone like my current ex who I would of done anything for. I'm sure that is what my current ex is realizing her self. That with me she was not really happy and not care really compared to her being with her friend of her new man now who she would do anything for because she is truly happy with him and cares a lot about him.
    Reply

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