If you’ve been searching about information on breakups on the internet, then you’ve certainly come across the term no contact rule. It’s simple, you don’t contact your ex for a certain amount of time. However, it’s not an easy thing to do.

In fact, No Contact may be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do, especially if you and your ex were together for a long time. Why must you put yourself through it when you already know it’s going to be extremely hard? Is it really worth it? How and why does it work? In this article, we will talk about all these questions and help you figure out if doing no contact is the right choice for you.

What is The No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule simply means not contacting your ex. Let’s just assume your ex is a drug that you are addicted to and the only way you can stop addiction of this drug is go cold turkey. That’s exactly what you are doing here.

no contact to get your ex back

Contacting your ex in any way is going to mess up your chances of getting back together.

You are going cold turkey on your ex. Because in many cases people are addicted to their ex and they do need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

  • No Text Messages
  • No phone calls
  • No going over to their house
  • No accidentally bumping into them
  • No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
  • No contacting them via your mutual friends
  • No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

Why Do No Contact?

don't call ex and feel betterAs I mentioned before, it’s like breaking an addiction to your ex. You have to learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it. But you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get back with them. It’s because unless you learn to live without them you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

To get more info about why you should do no contact, read this article.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on it’s own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are three categories of things that are mandatory during the no contact rule.

Physical Activity

working outThe no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

  • Yoga
  • Gym
  • Any type of Sports that you enjoy
  • Crossfit
  • Jogging

Social Activities

shopping with friendsEven though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period.  You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run.
3.

Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

  • Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
  • Meditation
  • Spa
  • Massage
  • A Relaxing Bath

What To Avoid During The No Contact Period?

You also have to be careful during the no contact period of certain things you need to avoid. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact without making any progress in your life.

Obsessing Over Your Ex

Obsessing Over Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching every movement of your ex.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour through out the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is go cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s facebook everyday, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex everyday. In this case, it’s facebook. Delete your ex from your facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

FAQs about the No Contact Rule

In this section, we will explore some of the most frequently asked question about the No Contact Rule.

How Long For No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 30 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

What If You Break The No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, then it is highly recommended you start all over again. It’s just like breaking an addiction, if somewhere along the way you slip and start using drugs, then it’s better to stop it again and go cold turkey all over again.

Since the drug over here is your ex, and you are only suppose to go cold turkey for a month, that’s why you have to start the no contact rule from day 1 if you break it for whatever reason. The goal here is to prove to yourself that you can go without your ex for at least 30 days.

What if your ex contacts you? Does it count as breaking the no contact rule?

If your ex contacts you, it doesn’t count as breaking the no contact rule. However, if you respond to them, it is considered breaking the no contact rule. You are not to pick up their calls, text your ex or return their calls.

Of course, in case of emergencies, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.

What if you have a child together?

If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

  1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
  2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
  3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
  4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

What if you live together?

If you two live together, then I am sorry to tell you but your chances of getting back together are very less until you move out. Your ex is not going to miss you if they see you everyday. So, the best course of action will be to pack everything up and leave as soon as possible. However, in certain situations it is very hard to leave. In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.

  1. Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
  2. Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
  3. Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.

The Essence Of No Contact Rule

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the end, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up” or “What if  my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend moves on to someone else.” That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before no contact is over, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

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970 comments ...add one

  • Hema
    Heyyy there I,m Hema. I had been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years but we were in long distance relationships. Due to severe financial crisis, my boyfriend asked space from me. He said he wants the space so that he could concentrate in becoming successful and in fact he said that I could also concentrate in my studies more he said. He did called me twice in this period of space which begin 2 weeks ago. I didn't make any call but nagged him by texting. He said he will stand for me once he settled in his life with wealth. So, what should I do now? It is very hurtful knowing that I can't talk or even visit him anymore. Tears were running out of my eyes like rain.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey there, Perhaps you could talk to him to come to a common consensus? I don't think you guys need to break up just to focus on your own paths since a strong relationship would have to go through obstacles and difficulties together. However, it's also important to understand that the real world may not work the same way. If he does not want to find a compromise on this and insists on having space to focus on his goals, you would have to respect his wishes.
      Reply
  • kashal Hasan
    Hi Kevin. Last week we broke up. He left me cos i'm jealous. I tried to follow no contact rule, but today he called me to say hello. I dont know if I broke the rule or not. I just picked his call I said i'm fine. please help me I need your help as this rule helped me before to get back my previous bf.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      You didn't break the no contact rule since you merely answered to tell him you were doing fine. If you really want to be together with him, my suggestion is that if he wants you back, you could always allow him back into your life (if you're ready for it) but it's important to work on your jealousy issues and not be so insecure about the relationship.
      Reply
  • Javid
    I just spent about 2 hours to read multiple articles you've written about getting my ex girlfriend back. I can briefly tell you what happened: I lost sight about how good the relationship was going, because I found myself playing video games too much and stop caring about her for whatever reason. Her and I have this ongoing thing since 2013 where we have feelings for each other but it never really worked out. In 2016 all circumstances met and we got to be a couple for 1,5 years. We loved each other a lot up until the end. But for some reason I decided to break up, because I didn't attempt to fix the relationship or listen to her the last 2-3 months. I really regret my decision of breaking up and am since seeking advice on how to win her back. I have panicked about 3 weeks after breaking up, as soon as I found out that she is with the guy she called "best friend". Her and I agreed to initially pause the relationship up until New Year's and then talk and see if we try it again. She loved me to the moon and back and I threw it away and now want it back. Due to my panicking I obviously talked to her, texted her and did all the mistakes you can do for a little less than a week. I've just started the no contact rule. But we also agreed on talking after New Year's. Now my questions: - Do all articles apply on when the guy broke up first? - Does the no contact rule apply even though we pretty much agreed on not talking? I feel very lost and all I want is another chance to make things right with her. Can you give me some personal advice?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Javid, Our articles are general in the sense that it does not matter if you broke up first or she did as it isn't gender specific. Not all scenarios and tips will be relevant to you and this would be something you have to decide for yourself on which points to adopt for your situation. Also, what you and your ex decided to do (not talking until New Years) is pretty much how our no contact rule works, just that individuals normally would not reach that decision on their own accord. Spend this NC period figuring out on ways you can improve on yourself if you were to chase her again, as you don't want the same outcome happening. However, do take note as well that you shouldn't obsess over her as this period is meant for you to recover from a break up and create a better version of yourself for whoever you choose to date in the future.
      Reply
  • Anita
    My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. We never stop contact and I slept with him once after the breakup but then I found out that he took another girl for dinner just 3 days after that. So I got really hurt and mad and I told him that I knew it . Just to hurt him I told him I didn't felt the same anymore and that I was seeing someone else so for him to leave me alone and I block him from all the social media but now I feel bad that I lied just to hurt him
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Anita, How do you feel about him right now? Also, how does he feel about you? There's many different paths you can choose to take right now depending on your goal but if you want to get back together with him, I suggest being honest about your feelings.
      Reply
  • Susan Randy
    Hi, I am in classes with my ex, and have to see him everyday, how do I do this and also incorporate the no contact rule?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Susan, You can refer to this article for more information on how to face your ex if you have to see him on a daily basis.
      Reply
  • O
    Hey I have 6 days left to my 30 day and my ex text me with about a meme that made her think of me. I responded short and 24 hrs later. Did i break the no contact?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey there, Technically, yes but don't worry since NC serves as a guideline to follow to every individual's best ability and it's rules aren't set in stone. Since you replied short and 24 hours later only, I think you're doing okay.
      Reply
  • Kaci
    Hello Kevin, I could use some help here I would greatly appreciate it. For some background information: Me and my ex met about a year and a couple months ago on a mutual game we played. We talked and got closer more and more as the days went on. He chased me first/admitted his feelings to me first in the beginning. As time went on he became a bit more detached because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't want to waste my time, has a lot of baggage etc. And often his own personal issues made the "relationship" (even though it wasn't official at that time) difficult and stressful for me. For both of us. Well, fast forward, he recently *a few months ago* decided he wanted to be exclusive with me. I agreed, of course. However, we recently broke up because of his trust issues. It was a very surprising way that we broke up, to me, because we unfortunately did fight often about some littler things, but that wasn't even what broke us up in the end. What broke us up was me looking at a video a close female friend showed me of her and her boyfriend cuddling naked/maybe having sex (but you couldn't see anything at all). I told him how I thought it was cute/sexy and how I want to do it with him but he took it as disrespectful to him I looked at the video at all. I was hurt and dumbfounded. We had our last conversation that day on Halloween, and it was all over the place-- we went from both saying, "you're right this won't work but we tried and we wish the best for each other" to being nonchalant to him saying "I tried to work on my baggage/issues because I love you" to him saying "I hate myself and still want you around" to him finally saying" No, that's not fair of me to say, goodbye." I've been feeling up and down since then. We both play the same online game but I unfriended him on it and all other social medias. I did, stupidly, however ask a mutual friend on that game if he is doing okay. The friend responded that "to my knowledge, yeah." That friend most likely told him I asked. Would this be breaking the no contact rule? Do you think there would be a chance we could look back at this months later with a clearer mind and (maybe) get together again, or at least friends? What do you think I need to do? What do you think is on his mind? Thank you for reading. -Kaci
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Kaci, To answer your question, no you did not explicitly break the no contact rule and I think there's probably a chance some time in the future when both parties are in a clearer state of mind that you might get back together or become friends again. However, this would also depend on where he stands on his issues at that time, and how you convince him to trust you to take the first step back into the relationship.
      Reply
    • Kaci
      Wow, thank you so much for your prompt reply I really appreciate it! At this point, I feel like the most I can hope for is to become friends again. I don't want to delude myself. But how would you recommend I convince him to trust me *if* I was aiming for a relationship again in the future? (This is assuming he has his issues sorted out, which I assume would take much longer than a couple of months as deep seated trust issues from being cheated on several times and being lied to by previous exes has affected him a lot..so he is afraid of opening up. Infact, he once told me he sees sex less intimate as opposed to having feelings..) And how long do you suggest I should wait before contacting him again in the future (and taking things very slow)? I was thinking next month at the earliest, and sometime earlier next year (January or February) at the latest. Would it be too late by then? I know it depends on the person and it also depends on how I have managed my emotions and feelings then of course. Along with how/if he has as well. Thanks again! -Kaci
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Kaci, I suggest you take things one step at a time. Situations will change all the time and based on your previous comment, it seems like you have a lot going through your mind right now. Firstly, go back to NC and during this time, just focus on yourself and clear your mind. As much as you want him back, your thoughts shouldn't be obsessed with plans to get back with him or you'll never move from the current spot. To answer your questions, there may be a chance to get back together in the future as I mentioned, but also to be fair to yourself, you shouldn't expect it. If you really want to be with him again in the future, you'll probably have to convince him to trust you again by starting off as friends and and showing with your actions that you're different from his exes. Around mid to late December would be a good time. However, it's also important to note that his baggage is not your baggage to carry. You can assist him in helping to recover but it should never be the case where you're carrying it instead.
      Reply
    • Kaci
      Wow, Ryan thank you so much again. Your replies are very helpful. I will definitely keep what you said in mind and implement the tips you have given me. I will use no contact to focus on bettering myself, but not expect to get back together with him because as you said, it's not fair to myself. And you're right about it not being my responsibility to carry the baggage for him. He has to deal with that himself. I do want to show him I'm different from his previous exes and convince him to trust me again if I do decide to attempt to get back with him. My last question for now will be, how would I show him I'm different from his exes through my actions if we have always been long distance from the start? Before, I would try my best to be understanding with any emotional issues he wants to talk about with me, try to understand his point of view in regards to that, and be patient for whenever he was ready to take things further..I always felt it would be better to get my point across and show how I care through my actions if we were in person but we're not. Anyways, thank you again and I will continue no contact (and your helpful e-course). -Kaci
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Kaci, I feel you're on the right track! Well, I can't answer that specifically for you on how you can be different from his exes because I don't know what they were like and I don't know how you are like either in a relationship so I can't tell you what you should do differently. However I can say that I'm sure he has complained to you in the past about his exes and how bad things got, etc. This is the information you should use to your advantage and definitely do things in an opposite manner from them (as long as it's within reason).
      Reply
    • Kaci
      Hello Ryan, Thank you, that helps me. Now I am thinking back to the times he has complained to me about his past exes. I remember he said they fought a lot (we unfortunately also started fighting a lot over things that could have been talked about in calmer manners), how they cheated and lied to him (I have done neither of those things) and such. While in the relationship/while talking I attempted to work on my conflict solving skills to avoid arguments but it didn't always work. The sheer amount of fighting and his baggage were the main reasons for the end of the relationship now that I see it more clearly. Anyways, I will keep these things in mind, and my emotions are currently everywhere right now, hopefully I will be in a healthier mindset in about a month from now that if I do contact him and he doesn't want to be friends (or relationship) I will then know 150% I did all I could and that I would be better off and will find someone who will suit my needs more down the road. :)
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      All the best Kaci! I do hope it works out for you :)
      Reply
    • Kaci
      Thank you :)! I appreciate all your help.
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      All the best Kaci!
      Reply
  • Andre
    Hi Kevin, the emails you send are very helpful. However, there is one question that I have that isn't answered and it is do I unfollowe her from all social media because sometimes I might see a picture of her or a ''instagram story'' and shes all happy and I start to overthink. We broke up because I was too needy and I haven't contacted her in 11 days and it doesn't seem like she is going to contact me any time soon. I have accepted it and I do not want to contact her until she contacts me. Or is this a bad idea? I am trying my best to move on with my life and improve myself, for me and not for her. But all I see through social media is that she is very happy and has no regrets. What should I do? So to sum up, do I unfollow her on all social media platforms? Do I wait for her to contact me or should I contact her after the month has passed by? And how do I know she will miss me since she seems happy? Sorry but that was not one question but if you could answer these questions I would really appreciate it, as well as the emails you send. They are extremely helpful too. Thank you.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Andre, The first step in any recovery plan is to accept the break up in which I feel that you have by saying that you want to move on in life and improve yourself, for your own sake and not hers. If you're affected by seeing her posts on social media, it would be best for the time being to unfollow her or hide post notifications from her profile. You should do anything that would help you recover faster and not hinder the process, even if it means blocking her (if she really affects you). Also, you could wait for her to contact you at the end of the NC period, however if she doesn't and you feel you're ready to approach her again, then you could be the one to do so. Approach her casually and start off as friends again first - basically if you want her back, you're going to have to chase her as if it's the first time you were going after her.
      Reply
    • Andre Nicolaou
      Hi Ryan, thanks a lot. I'll take it all into consideration.
      Reply
  • Vicke
    Me (m21) and my ex (f20) broke up after 4 years. Since January this year we had been in a LDR. She came home during summer and we spent every single day with eachother. However 1 month ago she called me crying that a LDR was taking it's toll on her, she missed me to much. I reassured her that it would work since last year she spent the summer in Australia and we made that work. I told her that I would start searching for work immediately but it would take some time to find work. She said ok we will make it work. However she brought it up every single weekend when we met, she lives 4h away and she studies and we tried to meet 2 weekends every month, and over the phone. That it wouldn't work etc. Last thursday she brought it up again after I got a job interview in her town that was pretty much a guaranteed job. She told me again that it wouldn't work,that the next semester is something they call "the wall" whereas a lot of people drop out and she wouldn't be able to make it work between us and school. She wants to remain as friends and get back together again for summer but she understands if that's not possible. I'm feelimg fine. Ofc I'm sad and all that but I understand how she's feeling. However I'm pretty disappointed in her cause she kinda "led me on" and that she broke up with me over the phone. What is your take on all this? I have started the no-contact and I will remain in no-contact for atleast a month but what else is there to do? Is there any chance for us to get back together?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Since she feels that next semester would be a 'wall' for her, let her focus on her university. You don't want to come back into her life only for her to fault you for her not doing well in school. Long distance relationships can be hard and it takes a lot communication and understanding to make it work. At the same time, because she isn't able to see you or feel assured physically by you, it leaves her a lot of room to overthink things, that's why she is so convinced that 'it would not work'. I suggest continuing with NC like you brought up and wait for her to contact you again. As for meeting up over the summer, that is entirely up to you based on how you feel about it.
      Reply
  • Devin
    Hi Kevin! Your e-mails sure have been quite helpful. My current situation with my ex is the late stage of the no-contact period. However, I have to be honest, it hasn't been completely no contact since we're in high school together, BUT I did compromise as good as I could and never contacted him FIRST,but kept a nice and short conversation when he contacted me. We broke up about a month ago but the no contact period has been ongoing for about 2,5 weeks. Our breakup was mutual, it was supposed to JUST be a break but we agreed a breakup would be better because of lack of communication leading to unecessary arguments making us lose the spark a little bit. I was the one who said we should break up because I did feel like I was sometimes taken for granted by my ex, however i still love him and want to be with him, the breakup was just because I hoped he would get a heads up that I'm emotionally tired. But then it felt like he had been feeling that way too and the first three weeks post breakup he shut me out completely and absolutely didn't want to try again. He said that he loved me but needed his space and time, which I am now giving him (but I AM NOT WAITING FOR HIM). HOWEVER, now after these 2,5 weeks I have seen him contacting me more often, trying to have conversations about nothing and occasionally writing "you're the best" which feels odd, even though the breakup was on amicable ground. His best friend who is mutual to us both even told me that my ex had said that he misses me and wants me back but still has a bit of mixed feelings towards our relationship because of all the petty fights which added up over the last 1.5 years. So, with the brief background given - what should I do now Kevin? I have defenitely changed a lot since our breakup - FOR MYSELF - and managed to control my anger and explosive temper which a lot of times initiated our fights out of nothing. So how can I make him get rid of that doubt he has towards me? I know we both love each other but I feel like his ego may be a bit damaged. Please answer Kevin, your site has helped me a lot and this is crucial for me to know.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Devin, I think it's great that you're following our advice closely and spending this time to focus on yourself and sorting out the issues you have. If you really want to be with him, then it's probably for the better if you actually show him the change at the end of the no contact period when you guys start talking (casually at first of course) again. I always think the best way to convince a person is through actions and not words. Since he still misses you and loves you and the main obstacle right now are his doubts, clear them and he will probably want to be together with you again.
      Reply
    • Devin
      How can I personally help him be less doubtful towards our relationship then?
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      This is one of the biggest areas where people can change, think about whatever caused fights in the passed that you personally felt you may have caused and ask yourself, 'was my reaction reasonable?'. Many people end up saying 'but I can't control my emotions' - this isn't an excuse for it. We all can control our emotions, it's just a matter of how hard we try. Other examples may include communication, honesty, and showing your partner that you've changed as a person and whatever negative issues he felt about you in the past are gone.
      Reply
  • VICKY
    Hey kevin.. I was in a relationship with her for 3 years.. we had a great time together.. we had problems sometimes.. we used to fight on small issues.. near about 2 months ago i dont know why we had a fight and she stoped talking to me.. i acter very desperate and needy and even tried to commit sucide.. she broke up with me and she blocked me from everywhere and even my number.. and now i have started no contact and it had been 15 days.. but she had not unblocked me.. what shoud i do..?? Please help me out kevin
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Vicky, At this point, continue with the no contact period but until she decides to unblock you, there isn't much you can do. Anything you try may come across as desperate to her. Stay strong and focus on yourself during this period.
      Reply
  • Eddy
    Hi Kevin My ex blocks me from all the possible contacting ways on 28 sept 2017. And after that I was trying to called her from all possible ways but she blocked each and every number. And after this on 3rd Oct 2017 I was at her workplace and she deleted all the best moments we captured together from my laptop and said please forget me and focus on your career...she said she was talking to someone else...and after that on 5 Oct 2017 I was again try to contact her and meet her and she refused to talk to me or even looked at me and she wants to get rid of me...and again again I was making that same mistake...lastly I called her on 19 Oct and she said never ever try to contact me this is your last chance otherwise I take some serious step...lastly I called her through social networking site on 27 Oct 2017 and she cut my phone and blocked me...she is active on all social networking sites and blocked me from everywhere and she posts her pictures in which she looked so much happy without me. I am really obsessed with her and want her back please please please help me.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Eddy, You really need to stop pressuring her into getting back together with you or trying to talk to her since that is clearly what she expressed. She's even gone as far to block you and give you ultimatum that if you continue to try contacting her that she will take serious actions. Apply no contact and work on your own issues right now because coming across as desperate or needy will only push a person further away - which may have happened in the past month.
      Reply
  • Sasha
    Hi Kevin I was in a relationship with my now ex boyfriend for almost a year, in the first few months of the relationship things were perfect, circumstances changed i.e. work school family- things got really busy and i found myself accepting his excuses and basically lowering my standards to make the relationship work somewhat on his terms. During the relationship i did feel that he did really love and did really try, but whenever things got out of hand he tried to leave and i had to talk to him about it and make him see the good in the relationship, which looking back on it now is sad and wrong that he couldnt see it himself- i always had to like "pull him back" but it got to a point where after an argument even though he cooled down and got over it he still wanted to leave even though a few weeks prior to that issue he said he was happy with the relationship. He is not the typical kind of guy and has alot of pride and ego. For once i accepted the breakup and we decided we will be friends (he made it clear that he had never been friends with any of his exes and that i was the best girlfriend he had and he would hope that in the future if i was still willing and single we could try again) His main excuses/reasons for the breakup were "his full time job and family+others commitments werent allowing for much time to see me etc" and im the kind of person who thrives of bonding and attention with my partner, which he once used to provide. After the somewhat calm breakup i met up with a friend who told me he was hanging out with one of his girl pals behind my back (our original agreement was that if he wanted to hang out with his other female friends that was fine i just asked that he tell me about it) he always emphasised how thats not something he was interested in doing.. although we had broken up i was heartbroken after hearing this 2 days after the breakup and confronted him.. instead of responding calmly and talking about it he got angry and yelled at me saying it was none of my business and he could hang out with whoever he wanted to hang out with.. when i asked why he didnt tell me he said he didnt have to and i felt so upset i began the no contact rule. I thought we were in an honest relationship and am so upset about the outcome. Its been almost two weeks since the breakup and he hasnt even tried to contact me ?? Is that a bad sign?? I saw him once at the gym (unintentional, and i was training with a male friend- he just said hi and continued his workout) Im making changes in my life and being independent (as i can admit i was originally dependent on him for happiness and he probably found that more pressuring in addition to his other commitments) i got a new job, im working out alot, i started an oztag team, rekindled with old friends and spoke to my friends in long term relationships about it too and reconnected with the church.. Has he not texted me because he doesnt want to talk or because of his ego and pride? im sure hes over the fight by now because he always gets over things but im not. i dont know what to do Kevin, i miss him but im sticking to no contact and its the hardest thing ever. I feel like i will feel more in control if he messages me and i chose not to respond, but he hasnt even tried.. I know youre probably thinking why would you want to get back with someone like that anyway? Part of me thinks the guy that got me in the first place is still there, of course alot of the reason we got to this position is his fault but at the same time i got too needy and he would avoid me and use excuses which was sad.. Please help i dont know what to do and im looking great in photos on snapchat or whatever and going out to lunches instead of hiding in my room but im still so sad.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Sasha, It's good that you're focusing on yourself and improving your life, please continue to do so. Sometimes it's hard to accept that you don't have control of the situation but it's best not to speculate on reasons why he isn't texting you because it'll only leave your mind in a whirl since there could be a magnitude of reasons. If you really want to know, you could always casually initiate re-contact with him again to catch up. Bear in mind however, that most individuals tend to show their true selves later on in the relationship and the beginning part always has some sort of facade (that's why it's called the honeymoon period) - so if you do decide to get back with him, to be prepared for more excuses and if its something you can accept.
      Reply
    • sasha12
      Seeing as I've implemented the 5 Step Process, its only been two weeks do you think there could be a chance that he realises his wrongs and tries to pursue me again? Or do you think considering how long he wanted "out" now that he finally is out of the relationship he will continue being single..?
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Given the circumstances, it may be hard to predict where his stance on things may be. However, after you're done with the no contact period, perhaps you could casually ask him out one day to catch up if you want to, and if the opportunity arises, bring the topic up.
      Reply
  • jon
    Hey Kevin.. My ex girlfriend said she didnt want to be in a relationship just for the time being. But she kept reminding me how eventually we're going to get back together she just needs some time. she called me every day still, like nothing happened and i would respond and we'd talk like we normally would just not as often. After that week I saw she was hanging out with this guy who she had a short history with months before i met her 2 years ago. I decided to go into No Contact after seeing that and how hurt I felt.. I'm on day 5 of NC, and shes been callling/texting, blowing up my phone ever since day 1. On Day 1 I texted her "I need some time for myself and I think you do too. I'm not ready to talk right now" And since then she's still calling and sending me old messages we sent each other.. She even texted me "I'll never give up" "But I'll give you all the time you need" yesterday. It's really confusing me because she is the one who wanted time at first. Then later last night she texted "You should just block my fucking number please it'll make me feel so much better" followed by "I can't keep texting you, knowing you have your phone and are reading these messages.. It's heartbreaking" I feel terrible not answering her but i'm scared if I do, I may fall back into the same track again. I'm also afraid if I keep ignoring her, she will eventually stop calling or texting at all. Please help me out, this girl & I have something special and a deep bond. This feels like I'm losing my best friend. I want to make sure I'm handling this situation the right way to get her back. And work on myself in the mean time. Thanks
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Jon, If you feel this way, why not be honest with her and ask her what it is she wants? If she genuinely wants to be together with you, figure out why she said she doesn't want a relationship at this point and see if there are ways you guys can work around it. It seems to me that she still loves you so for your instance, perhaps breaking the no contact rule may not be such a bad idea to figure out what she wants.
      Reply
  • aj
    Hello Mr. Kevin We've been fighting a lot lately and we keep saying that things are over. before i was clingy and used to call her a lot because we've been together for a really long time. The last three calls we have been normal with each other but she's still acting that things are over when she wants and things are on when she wants. Should i have the break up talk with her or ask her for a time apart or just try to be nice. I do not want to lose her, but also wouldn't want a person walking all over me. Thank you very much
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey Aj, If you don't want to lose her, why have the break up talk with her? Pride can tend to get into people's better judgement on what should be done and even cause many fights to happen. Perhaps do the latter and ask her for time apart so that both parties can get some space and regain their composure before thinking of trying again?
      Reply
  • Amber
    Hi Kevin, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, he said that he still wants to be friends and that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He keeps on sending me messages when I've tried to do the no contact period, it seems like he still has feelings for me since he keeps on sending me messages with the phrase how are you doing or how are you feeling? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
    Reply
  • aman kaushik
    Hi Kevin, I was in long distance relationship(10 months) , we had a vacation together and it was very good but the last day she couldn't come to see off me...i went to her office to see her before leaving for airport but by that time she left and was not aware that i am coming although i texted her but she missed seeing it...this pissed me off so much that i didn't talked to her for 2-3 days...she apologized for the misunderstanding happened but i was still in anger and wrote very harsh words and to which she said "if i've hurt your feelings, sentiments and love then leave me... I don't deserve it"...this further heated me and i asked do you want to continue this relationship...to which we had verbal spat and we end breaking up..i realized my fault there and apologized even traveled back to her place (within 7-8 day of whole scenario) which is 1800Km from my place to patch up....but she said "i don't see we being together because of the distance", i told this is early we are thinking about it lets cover the distance slowly and eventually we will end up together but she said i am practical here and i don't see that happening and i had nothing to say then....when coming back at airport we broke up over text but it was not heated and no bad words were used...but i really see a future with her....she too was seeing it but that fight had ruined every thing here!!! Please suggest how to get my Ex back!!!
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Aman, Follow the no contact rule and the 5 step plan. I suggest working on your anger as well since that was what caused the break up.
      Reply
    • Aman Kaushik
      I am generally not this much volatile she too understand that...i am following the NC rule...i am really not sure how to take things forward from here...i know life won't stop over her but i just don't want to let her go like this. I don't know how i convince her that if we stick together we can change the things...as the question how we will end the distance will come again if we started talking again. Kindly suggest
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Aman, If you're currently already practicing the no contact rule, use this time to focus on yourself and doing things to improve yourself. Remember that life doesn't stop for you either and you should not let it. Right now, as memories are still fresh, it's best to give it some time to heal before attempting again.
      Reply
    • Aman Kaushik
      Hi Kevin, Going through my whole scenario (as explained in my comment above) do you suggest i shall use "elephant in the room" text or the normal one's???
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      I think using the 'elephant in the room' text would be more appropriate given the way things left off the last time.
      Reply
  • David Johnson
    Hi Kevin..ive been together with my wife for 17 years..married for 15 years and we have two kids together.a few months ago she told me she wasn't in love anymore and wasn't happy. Then last month she filed for divorce..but that's not the worst..after she told me she wanted a divorce she wanted to go home where she's from in Ohio we live in California I said that might be a good idea but while she was there she had an affair with an old boyfriend from high school she's 36 and I'm 38 and ever since she came back she's been having an online affair with him and she has moved out of the house she invited him to come down this week and stay the week with her and he did what do I do and what are my chances of getting her to fall back in love with me and come home
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi David, I'm sorry to hear that. To answer your question, given the time you guys have been together already, it's definitely possible to get her to fall in love with you again. Currently, due to how the relationship might have possibly deteriorated over the years, it would best to give her and yourself some space to un-cloud her judgement as well as to use this time to find ways to improve yourself. Being together for so long, sometimes the romance is lost and poor habits are formed and this may have contributed to her finding a new 'spark'. However, this may also just be a rebound for the lack of what she wanted from you. Follow the 5 step plan and you will be able to get her to come home one day.
      Reply
  • MR
    Hey Kevin, so here is the scenario. I dated this beautiful French girl two years ago. Because of the distance neither one of us pursued the relationship, and when I tried to contact her throughout the years to check-in, she would tell me that she was devoted in a relationship so I backed off. A month and a half ago, she messaged me for the first time in years and apologized for acting poorly in the past and said that she was on a month and a half holiday in Qatar. She mentioned that she had broken-up with her fiance over the summer as he was Muslim and his parents rejected the idea of marriage with her. We began reconnecting and everything was moving smoothly and nicely! We had plans to get together at the end of the year and were speaking everyday via text and Face-time and Skype on occasion. Then, out of the blue, she backed-off. I noticed a difference and she mentioned that maybe she had too much time on her hands and was overthinking and a bit scared. We talked about it and she was okay and everything was back to normal. Then, a couple of days ago, again I noticed her distant, reading my messages to no response, and not being her usual sweet self. I was feeling very down about it and I had to tell her how I felt. I stupidly mentioned that I had a similar issue with my previous long-distance relationship and did not want to commit the same mistakes. She became very upset, and all of a sudden had a HUGE change of heart, said she didn't write me throughout the day, because she didn't feel like it and didn't see us as a potential "couple" and basically doesn't want to talk to me again. I am really depressed because I had my hopes up for my second chance with the girl of my dreams. This feels like I lost the person I love TWICE. I am going to give her the space she needs, and go into No-Contact, .. but I feel like maybe I was just a rebound for her and that I have no chance at all. I am really sad.
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey, I'm sorry to hear all that. I know it sucks feeling that you've lost the person you love twice. Since you have decided to go into no contact, that is good. Follow through with it and at the end of the period, if your feelings have not changed, you can initiate re-contact with her. It's normal to have fears and doubts about long distance relationships for a variety of reasons but if you can assure her that there's nothing to worry about, I'm hopeful that she would come around.
      Reply
    • MR
      I have been true to your advice and have been very disciplined in my "no contact". I curiously checked the other day if she had changed her WhatsApp photo, and now it seems that a few days into no contact, she has BLOCKED me from WhatsApp. I am not sure what this means. Why would she block me several days later, when I have not even contacted her in any way, shape, or form? Also, what does this mean to me moving forward? Should I just continue to stay in no-contact for 30 days and then go from there?
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Yes I think that regardless, focus on completing the no contact rule first before attempting anything. Right now, she may also need the space hence why she blocked you. When the time comes, you could contact her through other means if possible.
      Reply
    • MR
      Ryan, First of all, thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to me. So my x sent me an email today, asking how my mother was doing (my mom's been having some issues with her vision). I have not responded as I am only two weeks into NC and I think that I should complete it as you recommended. Is this okay to not respond to her for another couple of weeks? I mean, it was her that initially told me that she didn't want to talk to me ever, and she blocked me on WhatsApp, .. but now she is sending an email to see how my mom is?.. Also, after the month is up, should I just respond to her email? I am doing my best to follow your plan. Thanks so much!
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hey, It also means a lot to us that you're following our advice closely. My personal take on this is that you should follow through with the no contact and not reply the email until the 30 days are up. You can follow up with your ex's email by letting her know that you were either busy or was getting over some stuff and it wasn't a good time back then. Ultimately the next time you face your ex, she should be taken away by how much you've changed and grown.
      Reply
  • Ben
    Hey Kevin. Me and my wife have been separated for a couple of months now. We've had our first year anniversary during the separation, although we've been together almost 10 years. She's been faithful to me during our whole relationship that I know for sure, but became unhappy and fell out of love with me and had an affair within 6 months into our marriage. She is now seeing the guy she had the affair with. We've tried to still be friends because we were that even before we began dating, but the thought of her being with him(or anyone) and not me is too much to bear. She expressed before that she doesn't want to lose me being in her life but she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. Also saying during the beginning of our separation that she doesn't want to see me physically, has said that she missed my company at times. But we've always kept contact everyday, by her choice. She always called me, I never called her. So a couple of days ago, I've told her I no longer wanted to talk anymore. Even after everything that has happened, I still love her and would like to reconcile. She did me so wrong, but I wasn't the perfect husband either(nothing violent or domestic). So I've deactivated FB and only text her for business like bills for car notes. Do you think this is a phase for her? Will she miss me enough to come back or is she enjoying her new thing too much? P.S. she still hasn't filed for divorce
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Ben, In this case, I suggest you follow the no contact rule from the article. This gives you some space to gather a fresh perspective on things as well as to see if her reliance on you is based on habit or because of something more. If you guys are married, it's great that you want to reconcile with her, but at least give each other some space to determine if it's a phase or not.
      Reply
  • Amanda
    Hey Kevin, my boyfriend (22) and I (21) of three and a half years just broke up about a month and a half ago. I’ve done no contact muiltiple times but broke it because I saw him when he was picking his stuff up from our old place. He told me he was thinking about the breakup for a while, and that he was starting to have feelings for someone else, however he was just sleeping around, until as of yesterday, he now has a new girlfriend. It’s been a month and a half since we broke up and he’s already Facebook official with some girl... is this a rebound? Do I still have a chance if I keep up the no contact?
    Reply
  • Bryan
    Hi Kevin, I break the no contact rule on 10th day and I told my ex that I am starting to accept things and doing better since I stared to have my own hobbies and I meet some new friends. I apologized too. She responded and said that she is happy for me and I should stay that way. She apologizes too and said that our relationship will not be the same again if we will be back together, and its better this way. I asked her for a hangout and she agreed. It is too late? Is there still a chance? Should I use the no contact rule again? Thanks. Hoping for your response. I am an Asian and an avid reader of your articles.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Bryan, It's not too late. The fact that she is talking about getting back together is a very good sign. However, you should be very careful. If you show any signs of neediness or desperation, she will back off and it will confirm her decision of breaking up. If you don't think you are ready yet, ask her for some more time. Tell her that you need some more space and time before you can meet and speak to her comfortably.
      Reply
  • M
    Hi Kevin. What if I am the person who broke up with my Ex, and hence my ultimate goal is not to get back with her but to hopefully become platonic friends in the future? There was no discussion or agreement to go ahead with the 'No Contact Rule' On the contrary, the last thing we agreed on was that we would remain friends - Although that could've just been a formality to comfort each other. However its been 3 weeks since we've spoken directly or indirectly. Today was the first time I had the urge to send her a mail asking if she would agree to meet for coffee some time, but ultimately decided against it. I'm not sure if I'm doing this more for myself ( because I still have some strong feelings for her and recognise that it would be really awkward to shift into just-friends mode) or for her ( allow her time for to grieve, give up hope of us ever getting back together and move on with her life). Like I said, we never discussed not staying in touch, only that we would remain friends. In fact we PROMISED we would. Now my biggest worry is that she may perceive this unofficialised NC period as me not wanting anything to do with her. Then again, isn't that a good thing for the dumpee ? Being the dumper with no intention of ever getting back together, I know I'm the 'enemy' on this site. but I could really use your advice here. Should I continue with NC even it might jeopardize us ever being friends again. Am I doing the right thing here?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey M, If you don't have any intentions of getting back together, then you should continue no contact indefinitely. I know it sucks that you should lose someone you have strong feelings for, but contacting her will just confuse the both of you and make it harder to move on. On the other hand, if you believe that things could still work out between both of you (provided something has changed since the breakup), then you should reach out and see if things will be different this time.
      Reply
  • Riya
    Hey Kelvin My ex and me broked up but we use to talk each other randomly and than he suddenly stopped talking me, for sometime i use to call him message him again and now i start no contact rule... Is it too late
    Reply
  • Brian
    Hi, what if my ex ocasionally contacting me? We're in the same department and we had 8 months relationship before she called a quit. And i've been doing no contact period for about a month now, but a week ago i knew there's a guy approaching my ex, and it seems like my ex was into him too, i start to freak out,i keep stalking her social media and i keep collecting info about the guy. And the worst thing was my ex found out about what i've been doing and confronting me, but luckily i'm in control of myself and solved it quickly. And now i feel good about myself and not obsessing her a single bit. The question is, do i have to repeat my no contact period because of this? because all i know is that there's still negativity on my ex's mind (i can see it from the way she turned everything into a problem when it comes to me). My original plan was doing no contact period for a month and after that i'm gonna give her the letter, but now i don't even know when to give her the letter and i don't know what to do with my no contact period
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Do it at least for a couple more weeks. Include an apology about your stalking behavior in the letter as well.
      Reply
  • T
    Hello. My ex just moved out from my home. We have been together for 2 years. We had a very good relationship- best relationship he ever had, he said. when he broke up with me he said that this relashionship can not last forever like this and that we need either to get married or to end it. That he was thinking about proposing me, but he said that he has nothing to offer me once we are merried ( no stable job). This was the obstacle and he just can’t make the next step. He really loves me and he is suffering right now, because he left. I told him that I’m very angry at him that he didn’t choose the other option ( to propose me ) and he said he is angry at himself as well, but he needs to live with that option from now on. How should I apply the NC rule? He has his own business which is not good at the moment. He said that it might take years to fix it and since I’m 34 he doesn’t want to waste my time. Btw – he did the same last year before moving to my house. He was afraid of that commitment. He broke with me and I made NC rule which obviously worked. In this case should I do the same? It will be so obvious…. I really want him back. Our love is mutual and I blame his depression for the choice he made. he wrote me yesterday a long message, telling me that he loves me and he is suffering, having a panic attack that he lost the one thing that was good in his life, however he didn’t mention anything about coming back ( I’m sure it’s because only 3 days have passed ). Oh, I didn’t reply to his message
    Reply
  • Nina
    Hi kevin, i really liked your article, it really helped me to see things clearly. It is the first time that i read something with real advice and not just theory. To give you thr short version, my ex and i were dating for a year and a half now, we were the happiest couple. We did everything together. Plus, we were madly in love. Four days ago, we had a really stupid fight on the phone where he provocated me. The problem here is i got really mad because of hurtfull things he said to me and initiated the break up. I sent him a message telling him we are so different and it is better to stop, and even went too far and went to his house to get my things and didn't even said goodbye. Clearly i just wanted to make him feel bad because of hiw he treated me on the phone earlier. Later that night he got back to me and sent me a long message explaining that the break up is the best for us. Clearly that time i wasn't mad anymore and knowledge that things went to far so i tried to convince him the opposite but again it was horrible another fight were he agreed to never talk again. I started the NC thing the very next day,however 2days after he sent me a very cold message where he doesnt even say hi and where he says that he's going in a trip abroad and before he goes we should talk. Honestly did not appreciate the way he talked to me,it felt like he still want to fight and not work thing out because he was so cold and not even tried to see if i was okey. I forgot to mention that of course i did not answer his message . Is it the right move to do? Should i accept the meeting or just ignore that message and wait until he tried again in a nice way and with more efforts. Honestly he is a great man. The thing is he and i are both really bossy and very competitive with a big ego. That is why a stupid fight went to this mess. Thanks in advance for your time and i am looking forward for your answer.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Nina, Yes, it's probably best to ignore the message for now. If he contacts again, and you feel he wants to work things out, then meet him.
      Reply
  • Alle
    Quick question. Hello Kevin. Me and my ex we broke up it's been 12 days now and since then I've been doing the NC rule, but I am not sure I'm doing this right. He still has my Snapchat and Instagram and all my social medias and I've been posting many things such as having fun with my friends, being happy and and stuff like that and he's been seeing it and he kinda started posting it too. Am I breaking up the NC rule? Should I delete him from my social medias or it is ok for him to see all of this? Thank you so much.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Alle, Yes, you are not really doing no contact. You are actually communicating with your ex indirectly by trying to how him you are better off without him and he is doing the same. It's still a type of communication and it will keep you trapped in the breakup dynamics. I recommend staying away from social media altogether for a while.
      Reply
  • Lindsay
    I am currently pregnant and tonight is our last night in the house together. I plan to do the 30 day minimum no contact rule except for the Drs appt. Would you recommend that I go longer with no contact since we will see each other at the appts?
    Reply
  • Mike
    Hi Kevin, Im not sure if you still read this thread but im in need of advice. My girlfriend broke up with me around 4 months ago. We broke up because we were long distance and I was very insecure and controlling. I have learned from those mistakes now, and I want to have a second chance. During those 4 months after we broke up, I committed all the "deadly mistakes." We continued to talk and wanted to be friends, however, now I am realizing that I cannot only be her friend. Once we first broke up, she explained that she wasnt sure if she still had feelings for me and she was confused. Now, as of two weeks ago, she says she's not in love with me anymore and it wouldn't bother her if I started dating someone else. This was absolutely too much for me to bear. I am on day 6 of NC, and she has texted me and contacted me via social media a handful of times, but I haven't replied. Because it took me so long to finally stop contact with her, do you think my chances of getting her back have been effected?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Even if it is affected, there is nothing you can do except follow the plan. In my experience, it doesn't matter too much. But you might have to do no contact a little longer than just 30 days.
      Reply
  • Jane
    Hi Kevin, I'm on day 10 of the no contact (after making all of the instinct mistakes). Today my ex sent a message saying "Hi r u ok?". Should I ignore? or tell him I'm doing fine?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      You can tell him that you are fine. If he continues the conversation, tell him you need some space and time before you can speak to him again.
      Reply
    • Hector
      Me and my girlfriend broke up a couple of months ago in June. From June till now, we discussed the possibility of getting back together as she has feelings for me but is not sure she wants a relationship to focus on school work. We went out a couple of times out to see where things would go and the dates were great (Both mutually agreed). However, I was bit desperate and applying a lot of pressure and she finally decided last week that couldn't be in a relationship. Her friends and her have said that its not because she doesn't have form of connection or doesn't care about me, but simply because its her last year for school. I was planning on taking this new approach to getting her back despite the fact she has already said she could not as I know her feelings are still there despite what she says. Is it too late?
      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi Hector, I don't think it is too late since her friends and her have told you that there's a connection between you guys. However, you should also give her some space and respect her decision that she wants to focus on her school. This is where the no contact rule should apply as it gives her the space she needs and some breathing room for you as well as the desperation may swell up if you immediately continue to maintain contact with her and this might push her further away.
      Reply
  • Patricia
    My boyfriend and I were dating for two years he was my first sexual partner. I got mad at him because I thought he was cheating on me so he looked at me in the eyes and called me stupid. And I told him why was he mad at me and he said he was tired of all the arguininf. I left home cried and kept texting him that I wanted to see him. But he just ignored me. The next day two days passed and he broke up with me because he said he was done with all the arguing that we were never going to fix it. I did text him a lot saying I was sorry. But now I think that wasn't the reason why he left me. What do I do.
    Reply
  • Jax
    Hey so my ex and I broke up a month ago because I was acting up and that she wanted space to do her own thing. I applied the no contact rule for a month and no response. I'm currently going to apply another round of no contact. I'm scared she might feel annoyed. After my second round should I just stop? I don't want to but everyone has been telling me to stop. I feel like she's happier and that the break up isn't affecting her.
    Reply
  • TheGuy
    Hello Kevin, thanks for all the great help on this website. Thank you. My ex broke up with me 2 months ago (together for 5 years, no kids). We have meet once and had a good talk. I am having a hard time using NC but did okay. Until 2 days ago, where I got a feeling that she started to see someone else. So I could not stop my self and went to new place at night. She lives in a flat on 3rd floor so I could not look into the windows. I was just standing 20 meters from the window. To my surprise she suddenly stood in the window. I am not sure that she saw me but I think she did. Should I text her "Sorry - it's not going to happen again"? If she did not see me, she would probably ask what I mean, and I can say that the message was to someone else. I really don't know what's the right thing to do? Thanks, TheGuy
    Reply
    • Kevin
      There is nothing to do. Just continue no contact and follow the plan. There is no need to apologize. Although, you should avoid doing something like this in the future.
      Reply
  • Fullmoon
    It's interesting how reading this a few days ago brought me to the realization that it's OK if he didn't come back, as a matter of fact I am taking greater steps to remove him entirely. Before now, it was approx 80% (maybe more) wanted him to return and 20% OK if he didn't. Now, it's 50-50 and it really is. This % will probably remain the same until I form another relationship or as time passes. Time has a way of demonstrating why someone had no place in your life and you become quite accepting and comfortable with such a decision, that if he were to return say a year later and am still unattached, I probably would not consider it. I won't elaborate too much on this, but just to say thanks. Most people come here with the intention of getting back their ex, I didn't get here with that in mind exactly, but I was still curious so I read on, can't believe this gave me such profound insight that have motivated me to do a 180 turn. I do want to end with this.. Protect your hearts. A great many of the people we meet, we knew would disappoint us. We see the glaring red flags though tiny for some, but we dismiss them in hopes our gut feeling is wrong. The time spent getting over a broken heart is sooo much investment, way too much especially when we do this several times over. Wishing your hearts a speedy recovery and thanks Kevin!
    Reply
  • Bub
    Hi Kevin. So my boyfriend left me a month back cuz of my anger issues and since then I've begged him and everything to get back but nothing worked. And the problem is that we are in the same friends group. He said he loves me but he can't think of getting back together because I get very weak when it comes to him. Please tell me what to do
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Bub, Do no contact and work on your anger issues. Get therapy or go to anger management classes. It will truly change your life and it might just help you get the love of your life back.
      Reply
  • Allie
    Are you still answering people's relationship questions? I just want to make sure before I type everything out.
    Reply
  • JunJie
    Hi, My ex initiated to take a break from each other a month ago, i guess i didn't handled this properly by spamming her with texts/questions and calls which she did not answer. We broke up over texting, she feels that we have drifted apart due to my work and her love has faded, she feels tired of trying to get to know my schedules and me neglecting her. I admit i was so caught up with my Job, and didnt realised this situation arising. We haven't met for a month, she has blocked me on instastory (but not the instagram account). Kinda messy for a breakup. It was so sudden, we didn't had any fights. I broke the "no-contact" rule after awhile and she blocked me off whatsapp. Today, We officially haven't contacted each other for a week since then. What do you think is the situation right now? What could she be thinking of doing? And what should i do in order to have a chance of getting her back?
    Reply
  • mustafa hakimi
    Hey Kevin, My ex left me about three weeks ago and we tried to stay friends but that didn't work so I decided no contact and a week later she texts me asking if we can rebuild things and then a week later same thing happens... we had a talk the other day and basically she said she doesn't know if she loves me cause we have been together for so long and is just used to me or because she actually does love me... she said she wants to know again what it's like to miss me. I use to see her everyday but I was jealous,insecure and also very clingy. We both agreed to go no contact for a couple months and see what happens. Do you think it was just a way for her to let me down easy or is there a chance for us to rekindle what we had in the future going no contact?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Mustafa, There is definitely a chance to get her back. Work on becoming more confident while you are doing no contact. There is a very good chance she will contact you before no contact is over.
      Reply
  • Caz
    So long story short my bf broke up with me. I had trust issues with him as he lied quite a lot and we argued a lot however we were really good like best friends. It did get physical at one point where I slapped him on the neck that's what triggered our breakup. I know it should never get to that point. I later apologised as I've never been violent and he had also been physical just before then but hi hadn't hit me. Long story short we agreed that it can never happen again. So a week after we were fine. we booked a holiday then the next day he broke up with me. He says he still loves me and sees a future but we can't be together together right now. I love him so much and it's been two weeks since we broke up. We contacted each other during the first week but haven't spoken to him since. And it's been a week I'm struggling. I just want him back. Is it worth me trying?
    Reply
  • Meera
    Hi Kevin, I just dropped my ex back to airport, where he is going away forever(moving out of this city). We met on tinder and had immediately hit it off. We were those soul mates. But he got into financial and work problems. I was on break from work so I decided to help him out. And things started getting bad. We both were tensed with work and emotional baggage was alot for him. Though we said many things to each other, which we didnt mean, I said alot. And then the eventual happened. He still cares for me. Love I am not so sure but its still there. He is an adamant person, who tries to stick to his decisions. But I have made him changed alot but for good. How do I get him back?
    Reply
  • Dil
    I have tried this no contact period and it broke more than once because I could not resist myself without contacting him. but when I stop for last few days contacting him he only calls , I really tried hard and not called him what should be the next step.
    Reply
  • Chris
    Hi my girlfriend says she lost her feelings so is it possible to renkindle the spark?
    Reply
  • Steve Anc
    Hi kelvin, I have an ex which we have been together for almost four years and we have promised each other marriage, but she broke up with me because of a nag when am angry and she believed that I can't change. She has blocked me on WhatsApp and always put her no busy for me since I have been trying to contact her. And she has told me that she had moved on with another boyfriend. Can no contact rule help me to bring her back because we really love each other then.
    Reply
  • Jon32
    Hi, Long story short, my girlfriend of 10 months left me just over 3 weeks ago having moved in to a house we bought together a 2 months ago. It was purely my insecurities and controlling behaviour (which I have now got help for) that drove her away. She moved to her Mother's house but has still not moved any more of her or her child's stuff out, as we jointly own the house. I have spent 3 weeks begging and pleading and she has got more and more angry and said she is never coming back. last weekend I had a threat that they would go to the police if I didn't back off, so I have and apologised. Since then her mother has been in contact and changed her threatening tone towards me and said she needs space and will then see what happens, but she hasn't been well so hasn't thought about things. My ex has also told my sister that she just wanted a break. Her Mum is saying that I must just give her space now and that she hasn't even thought about things and is focussing on getting herself better (stress and depression). I have backed right off now and apologised for begging initially, but can I take the recent comments as positive, even after such hatred in the first 3 weeks during my pestering?
    Reply
  • cmarie09
    Hi Kevin, I am 23 my ex boyfriend is 26. We were together for 4 years and close friends a while before that. We had talked very seriously about marriage and he even asked my dad to marry me this past Christmas. But in February he started acting strange and saying we was confused and not sure if he wanted to be with me or not, so we ended up breaking up about a month ago. I broke a lot of the rules in the first two weeks, but the last two weeks have been a lot better. My question is, we have two dogs and I have been watching them on the weekend. I don't have to, but I really love them and it has become the best part of my week. I have to contact him to pick them up and drop them off. We don't talk about anything else and I don't even see him in person, but would a full no contact increase my chances of getting him back? Thank you.
    Reply
  • Mark
    He and I were together for 4 years almost constantly. No contact is going to be tough. But it does make a lot of sense.
    Reply
  • Mia
    Hey Kevin you are the only hope I have heard a lot about your website so my story is I've been in a relationship with my best friend since 7 months we've been very close to each other since 4 years and he confessed his love for me 7 months ago so I did well last month he texted me that he wants to focus on his higher studies and he has been dealing with few issues lately and he wants to break up but still he is my old friend he told me that he will always be there for me but he feels that being in relationship right now is complicated but I want him back I lost my soul mate he is the best I know I don't get it why he broke my heart I really need your help he broke up with me last month and we have stopped texting each other since 5 days :(
    Reply
  • Suryakanth
    Dear Kevin This is Suryakanth hear i am very much of happy because of after reading the pages i became cool i do not have any kind of girl friend but i do love for my sister she is very innocent girl we are very good brother & sister but now what happened is one day she was talking to me while speaking i said u have little bit of EGO for this one word today she left me Mr Kevin Do u feel hear in this were i am wrong after happened all this i tryed many times but she is not ready at all till today 15days are over i have stopped using whats app & facebook twitter orkut no phone calls no messages but i followed her status her profile picture still she is under pain somewear i have faith she will be back to me for this what u can suggest me Regards, Suryakanth
    Reply
  • George
    Hi Kevin. I'm back after 3 years and a new breakup. Last time I stuffed up NC and was needy and never got her back. This girl, I've broken up and got her back once or twice before. We've been dating 2 years and everything was fine, excpet there was some resentment breeding due to a range of small issues. Recently I caught her talking to another guy and she said she cares about him and was planning to break up with me. I went NC the same day after that conversation. She basically cheated on me but I still love her. I was wondering if my situation still applies with the 30 day NC rule, and if I should tell the other guy about the fact i was her boyfriend - she asked me not to because she didnt want me to 'ruin' things with him. Regards,
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey George, Right now, you should just do no contact and focus on yourself. I don't think you should try to get her back because not only she cheated on you, she is also lying to her new boyfriend. There is no way you can sustain a long and healthy relationship with her. After a month or two, when you have gotten over the breakup, you can decide whether or not you should tell her new boyfriend (I recommend you do).
      Reply
  • Hungry hippo
    Hi Kevin, I posted my story couple days ago. I do not see it here but I wanted to know if I should still do the no contact rule. I've been having horrible urges to text him and it's only been 7 days since he blocked me from snapchat and it's been 14 or 15 days since he texted "I just don't think things are working out very well" which I felt something was wrong. With snapchat I went a little crazy and snapped to much from my beach trip and just after work which I feel stupid for snapping and now I'm blocked. I just want respect and to invite him to U2 tribute band in two weeks even if as friends ...ughhh? 5 step plan hoping will cleanse my soul from him
    Reply
  • Ruth
    My ex boyfriend and I were in 3 years and 7 months relationship. He helped me to have an scholarship to be part of his college. I was very excited but suddenly after 1 and 1/2 months we had a small fight and he said he was tired and broke up with me. He asked me if we can still be friends so I agreed. After 2 weeks I realized that I looked stupid, and I decided to move away from him, he look shocked and unfriended me on facebook. Until now, I feel sad about it, I don't want to walk away from him but I think it will make him think about his decision.I wish someday we'll get back together and be mature enough to understand our differences. It's very hard to move on but I will trust God's decisions in my life.
    Reply
  • Jerry
    Me and my ex had a big fight and i showed up and beat on the door twice and blowed the horn and she thinks im going crazy and is already seeing numerous guys and i text her a week later and told her i knew and she told me to leave her alone aand said quit contacting her and people she associated with and riding by her house and threatened to call the cops on me when all i did was tell her how much i love her and wanted to work things out and thats been over a week ago and i havent contacted her what shoulf i do
    Reply
  • Elli
    My story is I was with this guy for almost 2 year. I felt he was a mummy's boy and couldn't make is own decisions, although he says that's not the case. When we first started to date ... I kinda of thought I couldn't take this relationship further and mentioned that we should go our separate ways. I felt that his mother got even clinger for the fact the he wasn't going to her house as often... It seems like she got jealous. I saw that he was devastated when I spoke about breakup then I took my words back quickly ... and tried to work it out. I realised that whenever I say anything about his family it was like I was steping on eggs shells as it was such sensitive topic ... And I really don't know why. I've never met them being with him 2years ... We planned for it to happen though. His parents are a bit of hoaders so he would say that if we should meet them at their house he had to clean up.. So we decided to invite them to his... We we planning for it to happen ... And also planning for a bigger future together with a family and all. We fell out in Father's Day when I told him I was a bit disappointed in him as I felt he couldn't tell his older sisters and mum that he didn't want to attend Father's Day. I said this because his mother would call him everyday and complaining that his father was this and that... This has been ongoing for years. I also felt that the lack of the support from his father has left his mother and sisters to be more dependant on him to play a male role in the family, although he's the last child. Since father day we have made the decision to be separated because again I felt I could not talk to him about how u really feel without him taking it really personally to the point that he does not want to talk to me. Since we broke up ... I still miss him so much and I felt like he's been so cold towards me in terms of him not wanting us to really talk things through. I rang him because I really wanted closure... He went on to tell me so many thing things that I was doing the relationship that upset him so much e.g me calling and texting him a lot when he's at his parent house on his weekly visit. I said, I didn't realise as I would text and call him when we are not together regardless. What was sad he said he didn't tell me these things for the fear that I would want to leave him. I was like no, I don't want o leave u.... I love u and still want to work things out. Instead he's made up his mind and think it's best for us to move on. I felt it was a bit unfair because I wasn't aware that he was having these issues and instead of talking to me about them he's held them inside. And now that we have sperated that's when he's telling me about it. I feel so angry ... But still love him. I promised myself not to contact him ever again .. I contacted him couple days ago by text to tell him his sister tried to ring him and contacted my phone which believes his calls are diverted to my number... I texted him to request to check this out as this was the second time I was contacted by of his sister which I never spoke to ... And it made me feel awkward ... Ami also suggested that he tell his family if he hasn't done so before. I know is sad times ... Apart of me want us to get back ... And I scared to think that this is it we might never get back together. I'm starting my journey by working on me ... But it's hard work
    Reply
  • Fren
    Ive been in relationship 4 months..After 8 days no contact..suddenly my ex contact me..he told me about his problem that his father has been cheating with another woman..bla bla bla..i try to be nice pretend and give him advice n support for the past 3 days.. sometimes i give respond sometimes i dont pick up his call. My question is..should i just shut down the contact with him while he's in a worst siatuation now if i want he come back with me.. tq
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Fren, Yes, you should do no contact. You have been broken up and you don't owe it to him to support him. However, don't be rude about it as well. Tell him that it's hard for you talking to him because of the breakup and you prefer not being in contact unless it's really an emergency.
      Reply
  • Nelly
    Hey I posted something like 2 or so days ago don't know if you answered since I put in the wrong email.
    Reply
  • James Anderson
    Hi, After 3 weeks of speaking to my ex on and off and seeing her a week ago. I started no contact 5 days ago. My ex has contacted me today to ask about some stuff I left at hers and a pitcher plant she wants me to pick up as its going to die. Should I reply?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      You should reply. If the stuff can wait, let her know that you need some space and time right now and you will pick it up later. If it can't wait, then you can pick it up but when you meet her, make sure you keep any conversations with her short and to the point. Don't talk about anything personal and if she tries to do so, let her know you need space and time right now and you are not comfortable speaking to her as a friend.
      Reply
  • Anon
    Hey Kevin, your advice is really powerful. My gf of almost 6 years broke up with me, we've been in a long distance for quite a while. Many months ago I had downloaded some dating apps but I never intended to nor did I ever cheat, in fact I deleted them in days. My gf and I share accounts and recently saw the purchase history, she knows I didn't cheat on her but is upset that I wasn't open enough to tell her myself. She is a sweetheart and non judgmental, innocent but proud. I expressed many times how I realize my mistake and understand that she will find it hard to trust me and apologized. In her last message she said shes no longer angry at me and that I don't need to apologize. I said I'm here for her if she needs me. That was 24 hrs ago I read your website later and implemented 24 hrs of nc rule so far. It's her sisters wedding in two weeks and I don't know if I should text her that day and congratulate. Also I'm saving up to see her in a few months. Please advise, this girl is my childhood close friend and the only person I've had a serious relation with and same for her. Shes the only person I've ever seen myself with.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, Follow the plan. You have a good chance of getting her back. You can text her if you like after two weeks. But keep it short and to the point.
      Reply
    • Anon
      Thanks Kevin! I've been on NC for two days now. The first time she mentioned anything to me she was very hurt and angry and in the past we've had a long 11 month separation (3 years ago).During that break she had blocked me from everywhere. This time she did not block me anywhere. Remained mostly unresponsive and I could sense some anger/hostility in the responses I got (and she mentioned how this wouldn't be like the past where we resolved things once we met in person). Then she was less angry and mentioned that she was hurt over me not trusting her to be non-judgmental and being open and that without trust and loyalty we can't have a future. Days later I started a new job and she wished me good luck when I texted her about it. In her very last text she simply asked me not to apologize (I was asking her if it was okay for me to call her as I felt like she deserved an apology in my voice and not just text) she said, that I had said enough (I had been trying to own up to my faults and ask her not to give up on me), she said she is no longer angry. I'm afraid this might mean shes becoming apathetic, only because she went 11 months without contacting me when we last had a huge breakup/fight. Do u think given this information I can still win her back? this is the only person I've known and sincerely loved in this way, I'll always regret it if I lose her.
      Reply
    • Anon
      Hey Kevin, In a sudden change of circumstances it seems like I'm going to be at her sisters wedding in like ten days, at that point point it will have been just over two weeks of nc. I haven't seen her in almost two years and don't know when I will have the chance again. What should I do?! Please help me!
      Reply
  • Celina
    Hi Kevin, Just to add on further to my earlier comment/message. My ex broke off with me on our 2 yr anniversary 5 weeks ago. Since she deleted me off and blocked me off from Facebook, I have not contacted her for about 4 weeks now. I saw her by coincidence at the train station and said hi to her but she was pretty cold. I miss her and our routine a lot but I think she has moved on since her love for me diminished. Deep down, I do hope we can cross paths again and that she will realise that I had loved her deeply. I dare not hope that we can get back together as a couple. I hope and pray that she will see me in a different light and get to know me all over again and that we can connect again. But right now, she has deleted and blocked me off from Facebook. I'm not sure she will ever reply my email or text if I were to contact her months for now. Please advise. Thank you. Celina
    Reply
    • Kevin
      The only thing you can do is try contacting her via text or email after a month or two. If she doesn't reply, you can either try again after another couple of months or just decide to move on. In my opinion, if she is not willing to answer you even after 2-3 months of no contact, then it is in your best interest to move on.
      Reply
  • June
    Hey Kevin, My ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, it was peaceful. We even talked as usual after breaking up and he often checked on me if I was okay. He's a nice and caring guy, he knows the break-up is harder for me than he is so he trys talking to me and make sure I'm okay and I feel bad that I decided to do NC 3 days ago. So, in the past 3 days, he texted me once per day to check due to my job requires me to fly out often and the last one I got, I can feel that he thinks I'm being not nice and rude for not replying. He's worried and he doesn't like playing games. I should just keep doing NC? I do feel bad to make him worry about my safety (because the country I'm at just had volcano eruption). Thanks.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Just let him know that you need some time and space to deal with the breakup and you don't want to stay in contact with him for a while.
      Reply
  • Esther
    Would this NC rule still work even on someone who has moved away? I have searched Google and most forums and blogs say that generally this is a polite way of telling someone you don't see a future with them anymore. Unless you also move over there that's kind of the end. I do know some people I still spoke to after they moved who I would like to try again with. Thanks in advance!
    Reply
  • alex
    hey kevin me and my ex broke up about a year ago because we had a hugh fight and i did somethings outta anger that i regret and because i wasnt really doing things i was suppose to do as a father and boyfriend after the break up i moved to texas to try to better my life and avoid any problems between us that could make it worst we have a 3 year old daughter together so we speak here and there about her but when i was away i was being clingy and texting her and calling her to get back together with me and that i changed she would reply and tell me stop worrying bout us and worry bout my daughter first before anything she still ignores and all that and doesnt wanna be around me or nothing cause of the things that happen in the past i cant lie i have still been hitting her up bout us getting back together and she just ignores me but she did tell me if i did what i have to do she would think about it i love this girl man with all my hearth and want to be a family with her i just need to change my ways and take care of my responsibilities so my question is after a year of not seeing each other and her ignoring me and not wanting to be around me still do you think i could still get her back she does tell me sometimes she would see if i just do what i gotta do i need advice kev
    Reply
  • Jennifer
    Hi Kevin I've been with my ex for 8 years we broke up 6months ago we have a child , the problem is we still live together. He has a new girlfriend they been together for about 5 months he seems happy with the break up tells me to move on but gets angry and jealous when I go out with my friends. I tried the no contact rule not easy but I'm starting over. I will be moving in 2 months I don't know what to do I just think he hasn't made anything better and doesn't deserve another chance!! Please help me kevin!!!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Jennifer, No contact (or limited contact) will definitely help. Once you can get some space from him, you will be able to think things over and realize if he deserves another chance.
      Reply
  • Maria T
    Dear Kevin, Today I received one of your daily mails that will help me to get through the break up. It said a lot about how to handle my social media life, such as Facebook. You told me how it will show hostility if I delete or block my ex - but in this blog you recommend me to delete or even deactivate my Facebook, if I was obsessed over my ex. Now the thing is... From day 1 I started the NCR, I blocked my ex from Facebook and Instagram without knowing that I would delete him from my friendlist. And I'm really not sure whether that created hostility or it will help me getting through the NCR? And what excuses do I have to make when the 30 days are over? Best Regards
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Maria, It's OK if you deleted him. If it comes up later on, you can tell him that you didn't want to obsess over his facebook, which is why you deleted him.
      Reply
  • Kyle
    Great Article TY.
    Reply
  • Esther
    So is the NC rule less effective if I have told my ex we are doing it? For example I said I'd completely shut him out for 4 months and then come back. I'm just worried the effects aren't going to be as strong since he already knows. 1 month is not a long time. With things like malls, gyms, meds, and cosmetic procedures I've gone anywhere from three months to over a year. Thanks.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      It's still effective. Even if he told him that you'll come back, he'll still have a fear of losing you. Not to mention, you will still get the benefit of having some space and time away from your ex.
      Reply
  • Rob
    Can I ask about parents. I am on really good terms with my ex's parents and they have already told me that I am welcome to come around for a coffee and a chat if I need. In my 5 year relationship, they became the parents I wish I had when I was growing up and I have a lot of respect for them. When it comes to the no contact rule with my ex, should I also include her parents? If they called or text me I'm not sure I could ignore them, especially as they have done so much for me.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      You don't have to ignore them. Just don't talk about your ex and your personal life. Be polite to them and be discrete about your personal life.
      Reply
  • Julz
    "No Contact rule" is b@llsh!t. No one has ever come back in my experience. Hearts are ripped out and NC is doling out false hope that exes come back. They don't. Deal with the grief, scream, cry, and with time you will get back to the feeling before you were with the person.
    Reply
  • Oscar
    Hi Kevin, Will NC work to get my ex back if she was the one who told me that I need time to myself to get over everything and then contact her when I do? We had a blow out over Facebook and she blocked me. Because of that she told me to take time away from her
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Yes it'll still work.
      Reply
    • Oscar
      Thanks Kevin. I have another question, How long should I do the No Contact period? My ex is one of those independent, stubborn, single mother type who has baggage in terms of her father. After the break up she has compared me to her father, in terms of trying to fix the relationship and failing, and she has mad false things up about me to pick up the pieces and move on. We agreed to be friends right after the break up but it was one sided. I was doing all the initiating and as time went one she started to disconnected from me and ignore my texts and calls. Before I went on my No Contact period, I asked if we could have another chance at the relationship, and her answer was; I cant answer that right now. I'm sorry. Was she trying to spare my feelings? How long should I do No contact for?
      Reply
  • bruce
    Me and my ex have a baby boy. Soon after he was born we split up. About a month or so after she started seeing some guy(sounds like a rebound). I can't do nc but I've been doing good recently at not talking to her about anything but our son and it has started to show. I know we have a chance at a great family, I just have to settle my thoughts on a family better, and not say anything to her. We do have our moments, recently she has lightened up and been a little more playful and joking. She is still dating this guy and still let's me know it from time to time(which drives me nuts, but most of the time I try to ignore it). What would be your advice on fully getting her back? What do you think of my situation? Thanks
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Apply no contact. Tell her you need some time and space to accept the breakup. Only keep contact pertaining to the baby as mentioned in the article.
      Reply
  • John
    Kevin, I need your help ASAP! I've taken all the right paths. I've stuck to NC as hard as it was. My ex has called or texted or both the past 4 days. Still I have maintained the NC. She texted me just now saying that she guesses she will quit trying to contact me and she wishes me all the best. What so I do? Break the nc or just don't worry about it. I want her back in my life. But I want to give her the time she needs to remove the negative thoughts and miss me.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      If you want, you can tell her you need some space and time right now. OR you can ignore her. Either ways is fine and won't make much of a difference.
      Reply
  • chris
    Hi kevin i had been with my gf for 4 years wuth no breaks or split ups and we seen each other practically every day and the last two months were rocky so we decided to go on a break and a 2 days into the break she said she didnt love me the same anymore and wanted to split up with me over the phone the first week was hard i tried contacting her and she wouldnt answer then she let me speak to her once and she was really blunt so i left it for 2 weeks but in that 2 weeks ive spoke to her freinds and father for advice and she knows i have and is pissed off about it and says ive told him we are split. What next? Thanks
    Reply
  • John
    Hi Kevin, I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. (She broke up with me). The reason she gave me for breaking up is that she isnt sure if Im "The one" and that she hasnt felt like she has had those level feelings for me. There is a bit of an age gap which has always bugged her. ( Im 21 shes 29). And it always seems to come back to this. Do you think there is a point in me trying or are we to far apart If I feel like shes "the one" and maybe I should try to move on? Thanks!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      If you feel like it's worth trying, you should try it. Do no contact and contact her. If it doesn't work out, you can move on knowing you gave it a try.
      Reply
  • Matilda
    Just want to attest that, when correctly tailored to the situation, the no contact rule really does help both parties feel better and sometimes reconnect purely out of missing one other if not because of the improvements that one or both have made in the time they would have wasted waiting by the phone. My ex has a job that takes him away for long periods of time (a convenient 30 days in the instance following our split) so in a way I was forced to do no contact (at least physical contact) but I'm glad I did and had this blog to make me feel less alone during this painful and lonely month. My ex and I were very close friends before we were together so when he ended it (out of nowhere!) he did so with the understanding that we'd still be friends. For this reason I began to feel a little childish about dodging his messages (using the silent treatment as a grown woman?) so after two or so weeks of not responding to his fairly frequent friendly messages I caved and replied but I did not beg for him back, talk about the breakup, or express sadness. I just treated him the way I did when we were friends. That was the person he fell in love with and that was the person I needed to be to get him back. For anyone reading this comment I want to say this blog has a lot of great and comforting advice but don't forget that every situation is unique and only you know the circumstances of your breakup. If I had totally cut my ex off he would not have come running back into my arms after his return (yes it happened...so relieved and happy!) Because I threw him a bone every now and then, but still ingnored more messages than I responded to, he kept coming back for more. One thing that goes for all relationship recovery is that you need to be your best self to attract your partner. I know how hard it is to even get out of bed in the morning after having your heart broken let alone go to work and exercise, spend time with friends etc but you MUST move on and get back to yourself if you want to win someone back or win someone new. Good luck everyone!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Thank you so much for your comment Matilda. I really appreciate you sharing your story and your experience. Good luck with your new(old) relationship.
      Reply
  • Pam
    Hi Kevin, I was with my ex for 1 and a half years and then he dumped me because I was too needy of him (which I was) I did everything needy that you can think of to get him back. I begged through phone, text & social networks, I also ask his best friend to help me get him back (his friend ignored me) and that made him really upset, he asked me to leave him alone and he blocked me from everything. The last thing I told him was that I would change my phone number (which I did) and now I wanna start the NC for 60 days, until his birthday in 2 months, do you think I still have a chance even after all of that?
    Reply
  • Sara
    Your article was very informative and I enjoyed reading it.so thank u very much for every thing u do to help me and others
    Reply
  • Rohan
    Hi Kevin, . I can't find my comment. Where I can find my comment?And I didn't Receive your Second Email. Plzzz Help me. Thanks Rohan
    Reply
  • Scotty
    Kevin, Friday will be 30 days of NC. But here's my question. Our mutual friends tell me that she really just wants us to be friends. I also know that for the last 2-3 weeks she has been spending more & more time with her former ex. (The guy before me). I know it's just your opinion but what are the chases that mine and her 3 year relationship was just a rebound? In those 3 years this will be the 3rd break up but they others were more of a backing off. They only last about 2-3 weeks. All the things that she said was wrong with them were pretty major issues. Only 1 thing has changed. He use to work out of town and only got to spend vacations together. The other issues felt were religious, his parents, and he was very judgemental. I have accepted the fact we may never be together again but it still doesn't stop my Love for her!! Also do you think I should just cut ties and walk away?! Thank you for all you do!!! It has really helped me and many others through these hard times!!!!!
    Reply
  • Susie
    Hi Kevin I posted a comment a few days ago and it doesn't seem like it's come up? Please could you reply with your advice please on my situation. I deeply want him back. I don't know if the no contact rule will apply or not since I broke up with him, Thank you Susie
    Reply
  • Martin McCabe
    This shit is dumb. Your going to have to get over it all anyway if you ever get back together, and probably more... so chunk it up, stop playing mind games. Send her a email when you feel like u should and if she comes back she does if she doesn't then talk to the next girl that giggles at you. A woman falls in love with the person you are, the environment and relationship you provide. Believe me they listen, more than us, they are built that way, shit their body releases sexual neurotransmitters when they gossip to each other. She knows bro. Love is about communication. Let her know how you feel when your ready, then the ball is in her court where she wants it anyway. Give em something to think about. That's how you got her in the first place.
    Reply
    • walad
      Martin McCabe, I tried your shit. it did not work, so I am now trying the NC strategy, hopefully it works. worst case scenario, I will giggle back at the next chick.
      Reply
  • Sally
    How am I to follow the no contact rule if we go to the same school and have classes together?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Don't talk to him unless it's absolutely necessary. If you have to talk to him, keep it short and treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
      Reply
  • John Carpenter
    You draw an analogy between the jilted lover and an addict thereby suggesting, like addicts, the person who has experienced a breakup should go "cold turkey" by employing "no contact". In a very real sense, powerful neurochemicals that have been compromised (serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin) are the reasons a person is in such pain after a breakup and like the sudden cessation of nicotine, alcohol, or cocaine, a "cold turkey" approach--in this case "No Contact" is DEFINATELY not the way to g and is likely only to produce unneeded suffering and the larger problem of cyclical relationships. Here is a statement by Dr. Colin Mendelsohn, an addiction specialist: "Research clearly shows that using willpower alone is the least successful method for quitting smoking. (1) The chances of successful quitting on your own are only 3-5% for any given attempt. (2). In other words, less than one in 25 cold turkey quit attempts succeeds." Neurochemical imbalances subsequent to a breakup cause: • breakups to be experienced as physical pain. • increase sensitivity to actual physical pain. It takes less of a physical injury to experience pain. • Women to experience heightened brain activity related to pain when they observe pain in others or they hear about romantic breakups in other women. Put simply, this is real pain and it is NOT mitigated by a cold turkey approach in the vast majority of people. A well-thought out "tapering" program where the bereaved methodically withdraws attention from their former partner while acting AS IF the crisis had already passed will be far more successful. After some initial acute pain--perhaps a week or two, the individual will not be forced to sever all contact, merely begin decreasing it incrementally. Additionally, Dan Gilbert of Harvard has studied happiness and as implausible as it seems, if an event happened to us three months ago or longer, the brain no longer has it on its "to do" list. It will, if a person accepts what has happened will create something called "synthetic happiness"--which feels just as good as real happiness. It's what we get when we don't get what we want. "No Contact" interferes with humans doing what they naturally do when rejected by a lover, partner, or spouse: they briefly become hysterical and compulsive until they realize those compensatory behaviors don't work, they give up, mourn for awhile, and the brain gets busy creating "synthetic happiness" . If you choose to tough it out for 30, 60, or 90 days by going "No Contact", you are just postponing the most potent antidote at your disposal for returning to a new and better "normal". I would strongly urge anyone to rethink employing a hard-core "No Contact" strategy. Elements of it, yes, but total no-contact, never. One can begin by not initiating phone calls and if one gets one limiting it to 15 minutes. Fake it until you become it. Be cordial, treat your ex as an acquaintance nothing more and act AS IF he or she did you a favor. It works. Not to necessarily reconnect (which there are good reasons not to, ever, but to regain a sense of autonomy.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey John, Interesting analysis. This is the second comment I've received which suggests tapering. I think it might work for some people. But in my experience, no contact is much more effective way. One of the reason is that it's extremely hard for most people to develop a "tapering" program with their ex and even harder to implement it. A small ray of hope of reconciliation from your ex might make you feel really good about yourself or a cold shoulder from your ex might make you feel extremely miserable. In essence, your emotions are completely dependent on your ex and not you. To be more precise, you can never have a controlled environment to taper off your ex because you can never control how your ex will react (and in most cases you can't even control how you will react to their reaction). And from all the feedback I receive from visitors of this site, I've come to realize that the people who don't do no contact usually stay in their state of grief (hysterical, compulsive, obsessive etc.) much longer than the ones who do apply no contact.
      Reply
  • Scotty
    Kevin, During the NC I deactivated my Facebook. That's been 3 weeks ago. Should I leave it deactivated until the NC is over and also do I keep her as a friend on there?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      If you think you can handle seeing her posts on facebook and not start obsessing over her, keep her as friends. As for reactivating. It's upto you. It's not necessary. But it might be advantageous if you have been doing new things and are ready to share them on facebook.
      Reply
  • Sandy Joe
    Hey Kevin, I know a guy for almost 3 months and we both are in different countries. We started talking on the fone and liked each other a lot. But from the day one we had a lot of misunderstandings between us because of the long distance and second that we have never met. After 3 months of continuous disagreements we parted and broke up with each other and in a bad manner. To an extent of abusing each other. I like him a lot and started loving him. He has a lot of misconceptions about me which are not correct. I want him to come back. I have read your article but the problem is he has blocked me from everywhere. Please suggest how it is going to happen. Sandy
    Reply
  • Scotty
    Kevin, Attempting to get my ducks in a row here..I've read RRW 4 times. I kinda feel that my ex is indifferent. So after the no contact do I use the magic letter from RRW or use the one like you suggested? Of course she's popping up at my gym at least once a week. I'm cordial but not personal & usually gone within 15-20 minutes after she leaves. As I've said before we have a church class on Wednesday nights & church on Sundays. So we see each other but I keep it short and sweet & I'm gone!!! One time she acts as if we never dated and the next time she seems a little flirtatious. I just ignore it all.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      If you two are constantly seeing each other, I'll recommend you skip the letter and move straight to texts. If you want to go with a letter, go with the one I suggested not RRW.
      Reply
  • Kiara
    "And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over." You mentioned this in the physical activity section. Although I'm not sure what you mean? Could you please explain?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, I meant when you work out and look better than before, your ex will notice it when you meet them after no contact.
      Reply
  • Simba
    My ex is nearly 15 years my junior and I have known him for 6 years when i was still married. I divorced 3 years ago, found a house and was planning to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. He has been in love with me for years and has waited for me to be single. 6 weeks ago he told me he had fallen out of love with me but still wanted me as a friend and that he would love and miss me always. He said there was definitely no future for us. We continued to text/chat but this became too difficult for me since I am still in love with him. I was looking at his photos on Facebook constantly and looking over past texts until i realised this was not helping me move on. I told him i would be unfriending him on Facebook and not contacting him and he told me he would not contact me until I contacted him. The very next day he contacted me with a work related problem. I had no choice but to answer- it was to do with work (we work in the same building). I dealt with the issue in a professional manner. 2 days later, i received another phone call at work asking for advice on a personal work issue. I gave him the advice but stressed that his personal problems were no longer my concern. Following the phone call, I received an email stating that it was obvious from my tone of voice that he shouldn't have called me and that it wouldn't happen again. I did reply stating he could call me regarding work related issues but not personal ones. His reply felt abrupt, pointed and cold. I needed to tell him that contact with him was only reminding me of what I had lost and I was only trying to move on as he had asked me to. I then received an email which had a completely different tone- more friendly- he called me 'my darling' and again promised not to contact me. I am confused. I don't know if he is being insensitive, cruel or immature. I know I have to start the no contact rule again but his calls to me are just dragging me backwards and I really don't think he understands how difficult it is to fall out of love with someone. I feel that he has moved on but is stopping me doing the same. I would welcome your opinion on his actions please Kevin. Is it worth me waiting for him? Is he being cruel contacting me or is he being selfish wanting me as a friend? I panic each time my phone rings or I receive a text message. I feel he's messing with my head and my emotions.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, It's hard to say exactly how he feels. Perhaps he has moved on and perhaps he wants to stay in touch with you because a part of him wants to be with you. Regardless of his intentions, you should do no contact for a few months. In fact, I'll recommend you tell him to not contact regarding any issues (work or personal) as it is only going to deter your progress.
      Reply
  • Scotty
    Well, last night a friend told me they seen my ex with another guy & tagged them on facebook(which I'm not on at the time) & then this am someone else told me how she how she's posting on Facebook how life is so great!!!! I think I'm gonna go in sane!!! Only 1.5 weeks into no contact even though we broke up August 1. Is she really moving on? The guy she was seen with is someone her closes friends told she would never date but she has been friends with him for 6 years.
    Reply
  • Zun
    Hi Kevin My gf broke up with me few days ago. It's a long and complicate story so I won't tell it here. But the next month is her birthday, should I end the no-contact period with a happy birthday message? Thanks :)
    Reply
  • Mark
    Hey Kevin. I've done NC for about a week now. My ex has reached out to me 4x without me initiating contact. I broke contact abruptly with her when it all seemed cool between us. She text me that she was worried about me and also we share a phone plan together she inquired about payment. I'm trying to keep NC for 30 straight days but should I at least say "I'm okay and fine." I wasn't doing so well 2 weeks ago and she seemed extremely nervous even reaching out to my friends to see if I'm okay. Should I keep NC? I'm actually at peace with everything although its been a week and I don't feel the need to check up on her or reach out ot her. Thanks in advance
    Reply
  • Divine
    My guy is different. He breaks off all contact when he ends his relationships; this allows him time to forget the person he was in a relationship with, to not deal with the pain and to move onto someone else. One of the reasons we broke up is b/c I had to be away for 10 days and couldn't see him in person (only talk and text) and when we originally got together, he said, he needs to see the person every couple of days or he forgets about them. While that may sound clingy, he is quite the opposite. He is very strong-willed and strong-minded. Completely opposite of what I've dated in the past. I feel the longer I do NC, the easier it is for him to move on and he'll think I don't care. I REALLY STRONGLY BELIEVE the NC rule will not work for him. Advice?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      First of all, NC is not for him as much as it is for you. If he is strong willed and strong minded, trying to stay in touch with him will be in vain. Because he will just ignore you and it'll make you look needy. On the other hand, if you also do NC and don't contact him for one month, it'll give you greater chance of getting back in touch and rebuilding attraction.
      Reply
    • Hers
      My girlfriend's telling me we are better off as friends. we are lesbians and she is still in the closet. I have a 12 year old son who is the reason we end up in conflict. She says he is grown and always looks for something to be wrong with something he has done. She keeps bringing up her age and how she doesn't have time for bull.... I truly love her and she says she loves me. We are supposed to attend a graduation together for her nephew. Should I still attend? This falls within the no contact time frame. Also my belongings and my son's are still at her house. What should I do?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      If you are close to the nephew, then you should attend. If not, then text her saying that you won't be able to attend because you have decided to take some time and space for yourself.
      Reply
  • Gigi
    Hi Kevin and gang- Gigi here. Kevin told me last week to use LC on my ex -who has a new gf, #2 since we broke up 3 months ago. At first he was messaging lots to apologize but tell me he's trying to improve in the same breath. We had a phone convo and I wished him well, I was cool and cheerful, and he was surprised but told me he noticed I was too moving on through fb (I unfriended him, but he still goes and "likes" anything public). He thinks I'm in a new relationship with y old ex, but I told him that's int he air and for now I'm enjoying my time. I wished him love in his new life and hung up to go on vacation with some friends. I started NC -although Kevin suggested LC. He contacted me a couple of days later to say hi and -again- lmk he's not sure this relationship will go on, they have their issues, he misses me, thinks of us, etc. I didn't answer. Then nothing for a week. Suddenly on Friday he emailed a "hi, (pet name) I was thinking of you today" around 11 am. Then on Saturday: "Good morning (pet name) I wish you are doing well". About 1 hour later another letting me know he will be moving and his new address. And that he will be recording the song he wrote for me at a studio on Sunday. Sunday: He's recording the song. Monday: "I'm moving today. Lots of great memories of us. I'll keep all your things safe. I would love to chat online for a bit if you are around." These all look like he wants to reach out, yet there's the new girlfriend issue, and the NC. I was told to use LC, but I have no idea how to. 1) How can handle/do proper LC? 2) Are these emails a good sing, or a typical "keeping me on an invisible leash" while having fun with new gf? 3) This is a guy with a giant ego. I don't to seem to available either. Thanks for the help!!! :)
    Reply
    • Kevin
      1) Whenever he contacts you keep things short and don't talk about anything personal. Be cheerful and don't let him know that you want him back. 2) It can be either. No one can say for sure. 3) If you are confident about yourself and you know that you don't need him in your life to be happy, his ego will take a backseat. It might take time, so you should be patient.
      Reply
    • Gigi
      Thanks Kevin! I could give it a shot, although all his emails are all along the personal lines, so to avoid that very personal touch, I will answer "Thanks! and have a good day too." -ugh! so confusing, shouldn't he be "happy" with the new woman?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Not if it's a rebound.
      Reply
  • scotty
    i submitted a comment before but never seen it or a reply? but anyways, i caved on day 4 of no contact for a stupid reason.. i deactivated my facebook account so i dont have to worry about that but me and my ex were friends on a fitness app and today she unfriended me & that caused me to cave. we go to same church and actually have a Wednesday night class together.last wednesday night i told her that out side of church & our class i needed her to not contact me. we broke up aug 1. but it started by her saying she needed some space. we have gone through this before & it happens at sametime of year.. so in giving her space i would not text or call her & she actually was back to texting me at least 6 days a week about off the wall stuff. she would stay away from talking about us and i wouldnt bring it up. but i am going crazy missing here so dang much!!!! well i text her to ask how church was today(i was out of town and couldnt go) & i messed up and asked if i could swing by for a couple of minutes to talk. to which she made excuses why i couldnt & then turned it back on me for asking her not to contact me!!! she said we could talk at some point. i have read RRW 3-4 times. its really hard for me to determine which stage she is in. just last weekend she made drastic decisions when stupid stuff happened that made her think i was trying to erase her memory!!! i could go on forever. but im not sure what to do????? i could give many examples of her getting jealous since we broke up. if she doesnt want me why is she jealous & scared im try to erase her memory???? Please help and advise!!!!!
    Reply
    • scotty
      we are both 42 and we were together for 3 years
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Because she still has feelings for you and is confused about this contradiction between her brain and her heart. Give her time to sort out the confusion and use this time to become a happy and confident person.
      Reply
    • scotty
      Thank You!!! its a tough situation!(as you know) 4 days was the longest we have ever gone without any contact in 3 years! i see all the areas that cause the break down. It just ticks me off that most of our issues was over stupid stuff that could easily be fixed! i learned early that she is the kind of girl that when things aren't going her way she will make quick and harsh decisions!! And that scares me! i just wish i wouldn't have caved last night and text her!! Thank again!!
      Reply
    • scotty
      sorry for double reply.. but the wednesday night class at church was a class she didnt want to take but 2 days after our break up she signed up for it. she also asked me to be her accountability partner for the class which i declined.. was that a smart move??
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Yes. You need some time and space and you are taking control of your life and your emotions. It shows you are strong and you put your well being before her.
      Reply
  • Steph
    Hey Kevin, I'm 19, my ex is 21. We broke up about a little less than a week ago after dating 3 months. Before I came to this site, I broke the no-contact rule and called him a few days after the break up saying its hard without him. Then a couple days after I called he texted me saying he's been depressed and can barely work. Then I stupidly getting my hopes up offered for us to go to lunch tomorrow. Now that I read your advice I feel as if I should cancel, right? But im not sure what to say without it coming off sad or strange.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Go for the lunch if you think you can handle it without looking needy and clingy. If you think you can't cancel it. If you go, don't talk about getting back together and don't let him realize that you want him back.
      Reply
  • Maddy
    I really see now how the no contact rule can help but I have one problem that is not talked about her my ex is moving to another state in 3 months.. For a better life and school reasons..
    Reply
    • Kevin
      You have enough time to end no contact and get back in touch before she moves. Do NC for one month, get back in touch and try to build up attraction before she leaves. Although, long distance relationships are hard and you should be prepared for the worst.
      Reply
  • Lucy
    Hey Kevin I posted a comment with my story but it didn't seem to work. It didn't pop up under the comment section. Thanks lucy
    Reply
  • nyabash
    hi Kevin, i have a question while im doing my no contact,my ex texted me apologizing about the way things ended.but he said the reason he was apologizing was because''he didn't want to have to meet me somewhere and have a grudge with me.'' what should i do? what do you make of this? thanks
    Reply
    • nyabash
      hi kelvin over this past days he has been calling me and asking me to talk to him he even sent me a text about something serious which i replied to but kept it to that and nothing personal.but know he keeps asking me if ill ever talk to him again? what should i do?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Next time he calls, just tell him you need some time and space right now and you will contact him after some time.
      Reply
    • Nyabash
      Hi Kevin so I did what you said but then he sent me a message saying he bought me a shoe and if I'm not in town he can mail to me. He even sent me a picture of it? What should I do now? Thanks.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      That's a good sign. Tell him that you can't accept any gifts from him right now as you need some space and time. Perhaps when you are ready to talk to him, you can take it from him. Then continue no contact.
      Reply
    • Nyabash
      Hi kelvin could please help me understand the apology he made that I've posted above?? Thank you.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      You are over-thinking it. It just meant what he said it meant. It doesn't have any hidden meaning. He doesn't want to have any negative feelings between you two. It doesn't mean he is moving on and it also doesn't mean that he wants you back. Stop analyzing it.
      Reply
    • Nyabash
      Thanks kelvin but I have one last question so you mean to say that you can tell from his apology he doesn't want me back? So I should just stop the no contact and move on ? Thank you.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, No I meant that you cannot determine from his apology whether or not he wants you back.
      Reply
    • Nyabash
      Hi Kevin so I did what you told me about the shoe situation and continued the no contact but today he sent me a long message saying that he can't keep waiting until the day I decide to talk to him and he's going to delete my number so he's not inclined to text me when it doesn't lead to anything . He's also been just sending me other messages saying he misses me so much but I didn't reply. So should I continue the no contact?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Continue no contact. If he keeps on messaging (for the next one week) tell him that your intention is not to hurt him but to gain some perspective on your life and you need some time and space for yourself. Hope he understands.
      Reply
    • Nyabash
      Hi Kevin, I only have one week left before the 30 days . So should I extend and do more weeks ? Thanks
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan.
      Reply
    • Nyabash
      Hi kelvin , I have read step 4.so that means you want me to contact him and not do more than 30 days right? Thanks
      Reply
    • Kevin
      If you feel confident, and you've accepted that even if you don't get him back you'll be OK, then you should do only 30 days. If not, do 45 days.
      Reply
    • Nyabash
      Hi kelvin I was reading about the best way to contact your ex back but I was wondering is sending him a picture of you a good way to start or no? Thank you
      Reply
    • Kevin
      No. Just send a text or use the letter or email.
      Reply
  • Mads
    What if she messages me: "Hi...you know, i'm dissapointed because you haven't been talking to me... for someone who wanted to be my friend that's very bad. if you didn't want to have anything with me you could have just said and not do what you did, wich is ignoring. i think that is very imature of you" note: Started no contact 4th august; calls ignored 2 maybe 4; Messages: 1 saying "hi" not counting with this one. I felt the urge as i saw the word " IMATURE". I know i got to her. I'm in her mind. But, can the silence be hurting my chances if she thinks i'm being imature? What or should i even reply?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      You can just tell her that you need some space and time to deal with the breakup before you can be friends with her.
      Reply
    • Mads
      I couldn't do so in the moment or any awnser would be telling in her mind that i was being imature. Kevin, thing is we broke up in january, and kinda broke up in june. Should i call or leave a text? Thank you for your help, seriously.
      Reply
    • Mads
      I am questioning your reply, because the secondary objective of no contact is to stay in her mind as long as possible, remove the bad image of me and create the missing effect, leave only good memories. I want this. I do not want to awnser to make myself feel good. Puting this at the table, should i still say what i am doing, wont that remove the effect of no contact? Thanks allot!
      Reply
    • Mads
      My sincere apologies for tripple reply. It's just that i'm so nervous because i've read all RRW from Ryan Rivers and your website and questions arrise. I'm supposed to be the one who takes this friendship thing better than she does acording to what i've learned. If i do say i need space, won't it get screwed up? Again, apologies for tripple post, allot of intel from your help, please awnser them all in one, thank you very much =)
      Reply
  • Mads
    I've chased her after she broke up. Found out another guy. There are signs of rebound althou hes an old friend. I have been, (before reading about the no-contact rule), not calling her or sending messages, but she has been doing it and i always replied. Lately she even said i could call her more often. That even if she was occupied she'd call back. Should i keep on with the no contact rule or letting her chase while i pickup is ennough? Ps: She called twice 3 days ago. saw caller id. and then i got two private calls. i'm sure it was her. Your opinion please?
    Reply
  • ailana
    Hi Kevin, My husband is throwing my birthday party this Wednesday before taking an outer island vacation with his "friend" (as he calls her) on the weekend. We have a child and blended financial issues as well as a very long personal history including highly intertwined family relationships. No contact is very difficult emotionally as well as literally, I do want my husband back though so I'm sure it can be achieved with much effort and creativity if it is what needs to be done, any suggestions?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Well, I think No Contact is especially important in this much convoluted relationships. Perhaps, the reason you want him back is because you feel you can't have a life without him. And maybe you will feel different once you start to have a life without him. If you don't, you are free to contact him after no contact. But I still think it's important.
      Reply
    • ailana
      Thank you. Actually I have loved my husband for over 18 years now and never stopped wanting him but since I have begun to make personal changes I do know that life without him wont kill me. My birthday party went well and I will be starting no contact today or at least limited, business only contact.
      Reply
    • Hannah
      Hey mads I am a girl myself and my bf has been ignoring me for quite a while which has been driving me crazy. He doesn't pick my calls or answers my texts or reply to my fb messages. He only talks ti me when he is online and usually when I ask him about his ignorance behaviour, he just says he is busy, which he is but still doesn't he have like two seconds to just answer one important call. I used to cry, and think shout what could have went wrong until I started the no contact rule. When I am on fb I can no control myself when I see him online, I have tried doing the no contact rule many times but with my fb on I can't do it, so I deactivated my account, turned my phone off, and I barley use skype, and surprisingly he sent me a message on skype yesterday I was soo excited I was abt to reply but then I stooped myself. So the no contact really does work. I would say stick to it for at least a month I no it's hard but trust me bro ull end up feeling so much better. I have actually learned to control myself more now, I never feel like callin him now. Everytime I contacted him I would feel like m dropping my self respect and boosting his ego and since I had no control over ,yield beleive it or not I would call him over 50 times in ine night and one time he told me on skype that he is usually busy and that I bother him a lot. It's almost been a week for me, I would redo and sticking to it for at least a month. Good luck :)
      Reply
  • Aphro
    What about if your birthday falls in between those 30 days?! Shouldn't I expect him to contact me if I meant anything to him at all? And two if he does should I respond at all acknowledging his reaching out?! Thanks.
    Reply
  • Devesh
    What if my ex-gf doesn't contact me after the no-contact rule?? Shall i call her? Because my breakup was a disaster and she even told me that she is not atal interested in me... I tried nagging, begging but didn't worked out.
    Reply
  • Jessica
    After a month of no contact (EXACTLY one month), I heard a knock at my window and there was my ex with a bouquet of roses. It was so unreal.. I have a feeling that he's not going anywhere anytime soon. Thank you so much Kevin.
    Reply
  • Amy
    Hi! So I wrote on here a couple months ago about my girlfriend and how she left very suddenly after over a year and I originally freaked out for 2 months. Then you advised I do no contact. I listened. Well, 2 months later, SHE CAME BACK TO ME. After going through a 4 1/2 month break up, we both learned, matured, grew, and have a MUCH healthier view on what a relationship should be!! Happier than ever!!!
    Reply
  • Daisy
    Hi Kevin, Could you please advise me regarding my situation? I don't know who else to turn for help. I had posted my problem a few days back. Thank a lot. Regards, Daisy
    Reply
  • bony
    hey kevin, I recently had a broke up with my boyfriend, he said he dosent love meh anymore and we will never again can be with each other, the reason is because of meh, i was the one who acted needy and desparate like i wont be able to live without him, everytime we had fights, i would say i would walk in the middle of the road and all those stuffs that contains negative mind, so after all this,he felt stuck and wanted to leave meh, he said i killed all his love he had for meh and he will never ask meh back again, after a day later i asked him sorry and wanted him to back because i knew how crazy i was and so i asked him a chance for us to be together and he then he says he dosent love meh and he is seeing someone else and he is happy, he said he will never love me again and i got angry and told him something vulger like" f*** off, you dont kno what it is to be hurt, and dont text meh again" he after that he dint text me any more, i dont see any possible way of him coming back, we are in a distance relationship and its almost 6 months ,he left my place 3 months ago, we often fought but there was no problem about the distance, we never mentioned about it, im tensed, i love him and i want him because we were quite having a good connection, he has kinda good attitude, please let meh kno the possible ways that will help... im not sad about the break up but it was nice having him in my life so i want him... please help me out. :-)
    Reply
  • kate
    Hi Kevin, me again, i have written a letter to my ex since i messeged you, we are still in the no contact period, we broke up officialy now a week ago and i think he will still be quite angry ( from me drunkenly cheating on him) the letter talks about me missing him and wanting to try and get out trust back in time, do i send the letter at all? if so when? i dont think we will ever get out of the no contact period unless i initiate it, Thanks, Kate
    Reply
    • mike
      Hey Kate, I m in somewhat of the same situation and its only been a day of no contact so far... can you tell me when you are thinking about sending the letter. I was thinking about waiting three weeks to a month to send it. Thanks
      Reply
  • jamaal
    hi kevin, i was wondering if the no contact rule applies if my ex who broke up with me told me to never contact her again. the girl i love and been with for over 2 years told me last week that she doesnt want to be with me and doesnt love me anymore, she also said she doesnt want me to ever contact her again. usually we argue and she tells me to not contact her, i always end up texting her first and she forgives me but this time i did not contact her for 3 days which is the longest no contact i had with her since we been together but i missed her so much and ended up texting her and she told me to not contact her ever again. So now iv decided to not contact her for 3 weeks but will it work in my situation because my ex herself said she doesnt want me to contact her?
    Reply
  • Daisy
    Hi Kevin, I was in love with this guy for two years and suddenly last year he started finding faults with me and our fights escalated to the extent that he considered me a liar and would not trust anything i said at all. I tried my level best but it was of no use, it was as if he had made up his mind to dump me. He called it quits in March this year but got in touch with me in last week of April to get some work done- now when he got in touch he was behaving exactly the way he behaved when we started going out-talking on the phone all the time, meeting up everyday although he maintained his physical distance but he wanted to always talk to me.. It seemed as if things would get better but mid May things again spiraled down to him accusing me and again those fights. He went silent for two months this time and its July but no news of him. I did message him once or twice .. no weepy messages but simple how are you messages to which I got no reply. I know I might sound needy and desperate but I truly love him. Could you please help me understand why he is behaving like this? Will he ever come back to me? Please help me. Regards, Daisy
    Reply
  • janey
    I messed my man dumped me on may 28th on text and it hurt after having a big fight and i ended up saying some mean bad words to him thou i apologized immediately coz i realized it was mean of me. Nwa for a whole month i plead and begged for him to forgive me and take me back and if not taking me back just to give me a chance we have a sit down i apologize face to face but nothing every time i tried to communicate he would say he needs time. he wouldn’t respond to any form of communication txt, email or calls. so after a while i went and picked my house key from him and to after a whole month of apologizing i texted and told him he has won and i shall leave him in peace and ever since then iv never communicated. its been two weeks now since any form of comm from my side and i miss him everyday and its so hard not communicating but so far so good and i still want him back, the problem was i think for the month i was emotional unstable and in the confusion of the break up, am scared i may have pushed him more away than bringing him closer. what do i do or how can i win him back because i really want to be with him forever. how do i win him back, please advice best way. how effective is the no contact rule if initially after the break up you begged and pleaded for forgiveness for a whole month and he still dint want to talk but after that you pulled off completely?? its exactly 1month 15 days from the break up but its been 23 days since when i backed up and stopped any form of comm but 2days ago i bumped into him he said hi said hi back, he asked how am doing i said fine. and continued with where i was going. pls advice really miss him and want to try win him back...
    Reply
  • Jonathan
    Hey! The girl that I was dating for several months decided to stop seeing me as she wasn't sure if I was the one (I guess!) despite having great time with me. After that I decided to go in to full NC with her and when I saw her once or twice during this time - I cut the converstion short and moved on. Until one day, she came to a place I usually hang out to see me - we spoke a bit, initially i didn't give in much despite some of her questions that were trying to find out if I am still interested etc. At the end of the night, I offered her a lift home, all the time acting cool until she told me she wants to speak to me. She asked me if I dated anyone in meantime - I told her that I did and she went mad at that. On the other hand, she was telling me that she's not sure she wants to be with me. I told her that I am open to try again with her (i think it was a mistake!) - she told me that she's not sure and she will see me when she wants to/desides rather than agreeing a new date. Since then I contacted her 2 days later, the conversation went fine but no result in meeting her again, although I didn't ask her out directly... Despite having a date in between I do think a lot about her and would like to try again with her. The question is - should I go NC all over again or try contact her one more time and ask directly to meet? I don't know if the dating some other girl might have push her back a bit or I should make an effort here. P.S she admits that she's not stable in emotions with me - I guess the bad experience from the last relationship might have helped here... sorry for the long text...
    Reply
  • Ruth
    After we broke up, I did almost a month of no contact, then we resumed contact as friends (though I secretly hoped we might get back together) and even met up once, but I got fed up with being the one to initiate communication most of the time, etc… so I told him about 2 weeks ago that I cannot be friends with him right now because I still have feelings for him. I made it sound like we might never communicate again, though I did mean it because I wasn’t sure if I was just going to try to move on for good or not. Well, right now, I really miss him in my life (even as a friend). I figure I will contact him again in the future, but I want to get over him first. Being “friends” with him too soon was preventing me from moving on and I didn’t like that I would check up on his social media sites, make assumptions about him not wanting to talk to me based on my own perceptions of things (which sometimes turned out to be wrong), etc… so I decided to cut contact again so I could re-focus on myself and really heal. How long do you think I should maintain NC for now that I am back in it? He broke up with me 3 months ago now. And how should I break the ice should I decide later to get back in touch?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Ruth, Like I said in my last comment, if you want to move on, you should not try to be friends with him. Not at least you've completely moved on. That means until you are absolutely sure you don't want to get back together with him. That's when you will be ready to be friends with him. When you decide to get back in touch with him, you can just send him a simple text or give him a call. Since you will be trying to be friends with him, you shouldn't think too much about what you are saying. If you have to think and analyze before texting him, then you aren't really trying to be friends with him.
      Reply
    • Ruth
      Thanks for the advice, Kevin! I guess you are right... and I still have hopes for more than just friendship with him. Do you think I still have a chance (it's been 3 months since the break-up), and how long should I go NC for during this 2nd round of NC if that is the case? It's been 2 weeks so far.
      Reply
  • Kevin
    Kevin, I tried to post about my situation a few days ago and hadn't seen it hit the board. Was my post too long and/or not approved?? Thanks Kevin
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, I guess it must've been deleted if it was too long. You can post again here.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Breaking this into two parts... Hey Kevin, As some background, my ex-girlfriend and I admittedly have some baggage. I was in a poor marriage when we met last September, we talked a lot and became close over the next few months, my now ex-wife discovered our relationship in late December, we were divorced by March, and ultimately my ex and I weren’t deterred and moved right into a serious relationship together until she broke up with me in late May. I also have a daughter which has complicated things between us as well along with the fact I’m 29 and my ex is 22. So, in mid-to-late May we had our first real fight, she didn’t respond well, and she proceeded to go dark for a week. I tried getting in touch with her for the first few days but eased up as the week went along. Finally, she contacted me and wanted to talk. She came over to my place and we proceeded to talk for over two hours. She essentially said she didn’t know how to deal with the guilt she felt over breaking up my daughter’s family, had numerous other issues she hadn’t dealt with due to her introverted nature, and knew if she stayed with me she wouldn’t deal with anything because I made her happy leading her to ignore those issues. It sucked but I handled it as well as I could. I promised her I’d give her space and she was insistent that no matter what I’d always have her as my best friend. For the next week and a half I sent her just two text messages, didn’t hear back on either, and left it at that. On Sunday June 8th, she broke her no contact to tell me she’d been thinking about me, she missed me, and just wanted to let me know she’d moved into her new place. I kept the conversation light that evening and felt good about the situation. She continued to contact me for the next couple days and I did a good job of keeping it pretty light even though we were already getting into conversations about not getting over one another and talking about eating together and/or seeing a movie the next week. But on Thursday evening after a couple beers I got frustrated, talked about not being together, was told this is exactly what she was worried about if we started talking again, and she went to bed. I figured after that conversation I wouldn’t hear from her again for a few days. That Friday evening, I went to dinner with my parents and my ex came walking up to the same restaurant on a date with another guy. I didn’t handle it well, stupidly confronted she and the guy, and they left.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Part 2... Someone should have taken my phone at that point because for the first time since everything happened I went on a texting spree. She ultimately texted back, told me she owed me an explanation, apologized that I had to see that, but wished I gotten some background information on the situation before making a fool out of her and that the “date” as she put it was a church date to talk about me and a lot of the guilt she’d been dealing with recently. She told me to have a good night, but I was still mad and stupidly texted and called once to the point where she told me I was scaring her and wanted me to leave her alone. Since that night I’ve progressively texted her less and less even though I’ve been incredibly frustrated that she wouldn’t provide me some kind of closure when I’ve asked her to please just tell me she wants me out of her life if she didn’t think I could a part of it. Finally, last Tuesday, I reached out to her for the first time in a week to ask her if she wanted my cat she loves to death that I can’t keep anymore. She responded instantly, we talked briefly about the cat situation, she made it clear she didn’t want to chat, but I still took the opportunity to reiterate my desire to have some kind of closure if she didn’t want me as a friend anymore. She said maybe eventually but she just couldn’t right now. I asked if it was because she was just that mad at me still and she simply said yes and wished she could be left alone right now. I said okay, that’s the least I could do after embarrassing her, apologized again for hurting her, and told her if she needed anything let me know. She said thanks and we left it at that. She didn’t stay quiet for long though as she made contact with me again Saturday texting me a picture of an inside joke. I was polite and responded intermittingly since I was out with friends and left it at that. She contacted me again on Sunday and again I was polite and kept it light. Eventually I shared news with her that my-ex wife was already engaged to someone else which I thought she’d be happy to hear about. Instead, she seemed more concerned with how I found out and how much I was talking to my ex-wife. I’d say the response felt pretty territorial. The conversation eventually died down and I wasn’t about to push her to talk more. I guess after hearing about this train wreck is it worth giving the 30 day no contact strategy a try? Or do you think too much damage has already been done these past few weeks? Thanks Kevin!
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Kevin, Given the fact that she is already contacting you and is being territorial, I think you have a good chance. You can do 30 day no contact. If she contacts you, you can tell her you need some time and space to deal with the breakup. I think limited contact will also work in your situation, i.e. only answer if she contacts you and keep it short. Your choice.
      Reply
  • Natasha
    Ex and I broke up after 2 years we were in love and I truly believe we still are mostly did everything together but still had freedom between each other. I tried to agree with him for awhile about breaking up then got needy once the next couple of days and he made it clear we'd never be together again. The decision for the breakup put a lot of pressure on him. He says he loves me but can't see me because it will bring feelings but were done for good? Not sure what to do since his mind seems pretty made up also started no contact 3 weeks ago
    Reply
  • Zandi
    Hi Kevin My ex told me he cares about me, our chemistry is awesome and that when he's with me the world disappears and he feels happy but he doesn't want a relationship with me. I was taken back but accepted him leaving me with grace. When he told me we'll stay friends I thought he was just saying that but he turns out he actually meant it. My problem is I still love him and deep down I hope we'll get back together but I'm not willing to cling to false hope and want to move on. I'm finding this hard to do because he keeps texting me. How do I execute the No Contact rule without being rude and not reply when he contacts me. The breakup was amicable and I know part of the reason he keeps contacting me is to make sure I'm okay so I really don't want to be rude. If it makes a difference I'm he's in his mid-20's and I just turned 30 and we were together for less than two months and this is our second breakup the first one was nasty but we missed each other and both made effort to communicate better but I guess the damage was done already.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Tell him you need time to deal with the breakup and hopefully you can be friends when you are ready. It won't be rude.
      Reply
    • Zandi
      Thanks Kevin. I told him and he was shocked he asked me if I was sure if this is the right option and when I said yes, he then told me he respects my decision. My last question to you (I promise :) ) is: what is it really that men want from a relationship? He obviously has respect and consideration for me and from what he told me (ref. initial question) what do you speculate as the reason he wouldn't want a relationship with me? I would think those very things would make him want a relationship or could be because I'm older than him? Ps: he had also told me he believes me but doesn't trust me. I know since we are on good terms I could ask him but I'm too embarrassed - there's something pathetic and desperate about asking someone "why don't you want/love me?"
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Zandi, It's hard to say why he broke up with you. It could be because of the age difference. It could be because he lost attraction. Or perhaps he has some commitment/trust issues. Everyone is different. So it's hard to pinpoint what really caused the breakup for him. And you know what, even if you gather the courage to ask someone that, you probably won't get the truth.
      Reply
    • Zandi
      Hi Kevin I'm breaking my promise :p. So I broke the NC rule last week (after 9 days). I missed him and felt a need to chat with him. I also felt strong enough to deal with him. I've come to terms with the breakup and actually feel happy and strong. I've followed your advise. This whole month I've been focused on my life and my goals for this year are bearing fruit which is something that has also been keeping me happy. I changed my hair and even tweezed my brows (which I never did before). Since I've been focusing on me I hardly think of my ex and was pleasantly surprised to hear from him last night. (Although I broke the NC last week, I didn't contact him this whole week.) He shocked me by telling me he misses me. I found it hard to say the words back to him because truth be told I've been too busy to miss him or think about him so I confessed I didn't know what to say to that. He said that's okay I don't need to say anything then nervously asked me to his birthday party this coming weekend. I agreed and asked if I could bring a friend. He asked if it was a male or female, I said female and he said okay. Found out today that none of my friends are available so I'll be going alone. Question time: 1) It'll be my first time meeting his friends, save for his two best friends, and I have a reserved personality so: -do you have tips on how to handle the party now that I'll be going alone 2)Should I buy him a gift? One of my friends suggested I go to the party first and suss out the vibe between us then buy a belated gift based on that. 3)How should I dress? At the risk of sounding narcisstic, I'm often described as hot and sexy (even tough I'm in jeans and flats like all the time). Plus everyone always remarks about my "bedroom" eyes and "naughty" smile. My ex used to call me damn beautiful. When I enter a room men do stare and women often pull their men closer. It'll be my first experience with his friends and I don't want the women to be envious of me but at the same time I do want him to take his breath away so: -should my outfit maximize the "hotness/sexiness" regardless of how the women may react or should I down play it? (I have a perfect hour-glass figure so sexy is easy to achieve for me.
      Reply

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