If you’ve been searching about information on breakups on the internet, then you’ve certainly come across the term no contact rule. It’s simple, you don’t contact your ex for a certain amount of time. However, it’s not an easy thing to do.

In fact, No Contact may be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do, especially if you and your ex were together for a long time. Why must you put yourself through it when you already know it’s going to be extremely hard? Is it really worth it? How and why does it work? In this article, we will talk about all these questions and help you figure out if doing no contact is the right choice for you.

What is The No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule simply means not contacting your ex. Let’s just assume your ex is a drug that you are addicted to and the only way you can stop addiction of this drug is go cold turkey. That’s exactly what you are doing here.

no contact to get your ex back

Contacting your ex in any way is going to mess up your chances of getting back together.

You are going cold turkey on your ex. Because in many cases people are addicted to their ex and they do need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

  • No Text Messages
  • No phone calls
  • No going over to their house
  • No accidentally bumping into them
  • No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
  • No contacting them via your mutual friends
  • No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

Why Do No Contact?

don't call ex and feel betterAs I mentioned before, it’s like breaking an addiction to your ex. You have to learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it. But you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get back with them. It’s because unless you learn to live without them you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back or get your ex girlfriend back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

To get more info about why you should do no contact, read this article.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on it’s own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are three categories of things that are mandatory during the no contact rule.

Physical Activity

working outThe no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

  • Yoga
  • Gym
  • Any type of Sports that you enjoy
  • Crossfit
  • Jogging

Social Activities

shopping with friendsEven though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period.  You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run.
3.

Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

  • Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
  • Meditation
  • Spa
  • Massage
  • A Relaxing Bath

What To Avoid During The No Contact Period?

You also have to be careful during the no contact period of certain things you need to avoid. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact without making any progress in your life.

Obsessing Over Your Ex

Obsessing Over Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching every movement of your ex.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour through out the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is go cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s facebook everyday, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex everyday. In this case, it’s facebook. Delete your ex from your facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

FAQs about the No Contact Rule

In this section, we will explore some of the most frequently asked question about the No Contact Rule.

How Long For No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 30 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

What If You Break The No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, then it is highly recommended you start all over again. It’s just like breaking an addiction, if somewhere along the way you slip and start using drugs, then it’s better to stop it again and go cold turkey all over again.

Since the drug over here is your ex, and you are only suppose to go cold turkey for a month, that’s why you have to start the no contact rule from day 1 if you break it for whatever reason. The goal here is to prove to yourself that you can go without your ex for at least 30 days.

What if your ex contacts you? Does it count as breaking the no contact rule?

If your ex contacts you, it doesn’t count as breaking the no contact rule. However, if you respond to them, it is considered breaking the no contact rule. You are not to pick up their calls, text your ex or return their calls.

Of course, in case of emergencies, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.

What if you have a child together?

If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

  1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
  2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
  3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
  4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

What if you live together?

If you two live together, then I am sorry to tell you but your chances of getting back together are very less until you move out. Your ex is not going to miss you if they see you everyday. So, the best course of action will be to pack everything up and leave as soon as possible. However, in certain situations it is very hard to leave. In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.

  1. Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
  2. Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
  3. Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.

The Essence Of No Contact Rule

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the end, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up” or “What if  my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend moves on to someone else.” That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before no contact is over, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

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1125 Comments on "The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need To Know About It"

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Jordan
Jordan

My ex broke up with me 18 days ago after 3 years of dating… he had been harboring resentment over seemingly little things ( me not recognizing when he needed help with money)…. he said he was sorry for not communicating more and that I deserved someone better (it came out of the blue)… we both sobbed and I asked him to leave…. it’s been 18 days no contact and I still have a lot of his belongings, he told me to use his HULU and Amazon prime if I wanted, I’m close with his sister (we hangout and work together) and he didn’t say to stop seeing her…… we made committments to one another, were each other’s first, even lived together for two years before moving back with our parents to save money… I’m feeling very hopeless… I was feeling confident, have even been on some dates, lost weight, got tan, picked up tennis again and made some new old friends… but my heart is breaking anytime his sister talks about him… I want to tell him about my day and I want to talk to him and understand the real reasons behind the breakup, because it just seemed so sudden…. I feel like he doesn’t care about me, that he just used me for everything I had then left….. he hasn’t contacted me, and I haven’t contacted him in 18 days….. do you have any advice for me?

Linda Barr
Linda Barr

Did I ruin the no contact rule by mistake? It’s been 4 days since not responding to his long closure text when he sent me 2 audio text messages of him out drunk singing our song. I pressed “keep” to the recordings because otherwise they disappear in 2 minutes and I was out at the time and couldn’t hear them. I found out the other person will get notified when I pressed keep. So he received two messages saying “so-and-so kept your message at 10:40 pm.” I didn’t realize this at the time. Did I mess up my no contact streak? I’m so annoyed at myself I’m not sure how he will perceive it/if I ruined it. Any help is appreciated, thank you!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No, you probably did not ruin your chances since there was no actual contact, and based on the circumstances, it seemed necessary at that point.

Anna
Anna

Hi there,
Im on 3rd day no contact rule, my ex call me.
Should l text him to do not have contact for a while?
He is very close with my son( he is not his father
And lm close with his son( lm not his mother)

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest if you’re in no contact, not to reply or answer his texts/calls unless it’s necessary or if he’s constantly pestering you.

Surbhi
Surbhi

Do i have to block my ex during no contact rule?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No you don’t have to unless they’re constantly pestering you and hindering the no contact phase.

Ben
Ben

Hello,

My ex broke up with me about a month ago. We had been dating for over 2 and half plus years and we were madly in love. She said the breakup was because of her and she the classic “it’s not you it’s me” phrase. Then three days later she starts dating this other guy. I’m fairly certain it’s a rebound after reading your articles. Anyway, about two weeks ago she came up to my house to drop off some of my hoodies and we had a nice conversation and basically said how we want the best for each other, we still care about one another, complimented each other, and we want to keep in touch. I haven’t talked to her since then, so should I keep no contact going? How much longer should I keep it going. I planned on texting her around her graduation. Is that a good idea? Any advice would help out. Thank you!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might also want to consider the possibility that this new relationship wasn’t simply a rebound after the relationship, but that she was actually cheating on you instead. Regardless, continue with NC and ideally you should go with it for around a month. Texting her after at any right opportunity is fine but gauge her response towards you as well as the situation she’s in at the moment.

nonsense
nonsense

Argh. Broke no contact. But I technically was the one who officially ended it so…

My ex is a commitment phobe and that’s not me convincing myself he does want me. He has been burned badly in the past and since then has only had short lived relationships, where he freaks out and runs. He struggles to see himself as someone who can be loved. He feels once I know the real him, I’ll flee. I love being with him and all aspects of his character. He wanted to end our relationship out of the blue and was all irrational. At first I was needy and tried to argue. He then suggested we downgrade it so it was all on his terms. I almost accepted. I would have just been waiting for scraps of attention from him.

I then snapped out of it. I sent him a very nice message (swallowed my crazy ex-anger) two days after I saw him saying I respected his wishes to end things and that he was right, we shouldn’t be together (that was maybe the only bit that was harsh). I enjoyed our time together and cared about him deeply, really valued that he felt he could open up to me and wished him all the best. He replied thanking me for the message and to say he was sorry and that I would always have a special place in his heart and that I deserved to meet someone who could love me fully. I felt like crap because I was like, ‘Crap, he really didn’t chase me or try to stop me going.’

Later that night, he sent me a separate messaging saying: ‘I will miss you.’ I replied saying I would miss him too. And then decided it had to be no contact. Two days later he started liking my posts on Instagram. I didn’t respond. I created a story on IG to see if he would see it, but he didn’t and he then stopped liking my posts. After 5 days I caved in, panicking that my ‘You’re right, we shouldn’t see each other’ was echoing in his mind… and that my silence was making him think I had moved on liked one (just one) of his old posts. And now I’m like, ‘I broke no contact… He knows I miss him. I’m doomed.’

I’ve decided to not post on IG for a bit, and defoinitely no stories.

Stephen
Stephen

HI Ryan,
After reading your article and peoples comments I decided to share my problem with you. I am from Pak and my gf is Chinese. She is a single mom. We are in a relationship for about 2 years. we met on a dating website. we spend this time happily but during this time she tries to leave me many times, she suddenly stops talking with me for many days without knowing the reason and when she ready to talk with me she give me the reason that (we have no future, I am a single (divorced lady) so that’s why I wanted to leave you. I always try to convince her like introducing with my family, meet up with my brother. I did serious steps to convince her and at the end, she agreed to be with me but with a thing in her mind, that i will leave her in future. Now what happened yesterday, she saw some messages of my friend (girl) just friend, which she doesn’t like that messages and said leave me, I want to break up. I try to convince her that she is just my friend nothing else, even I send a message to that girl in front of my girlfriend, and my friend talks with my gf, that we are only friends nothing else. but my gf didn’t agree and said you talk with a girl, the girl is right but you are wrong. I try to convince her and in the end she said, i have to consider our relation again. Now please guide me, what should i do? Thank you

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re going to have learn how to deal with her emotions if you want the relationship to work out. You share a different culture from her and you’re going to familiarize yourself with it as well as her emotional baggage and she why acts this way. Keep in mind as well that this behavior she has is going to be extremely exhausting for you especially if she is in a constant push/pull dilemma with her emotions. However, in the meantime, unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do but give her some space until she makes a decision on the relationship.

Phil
Phil

Hello,

Ex and I were together for 6 months. Eventually, she broke up with me, and it was very hard for her. I know now that the reason was my insecurities and there would also be times where I would lie about small things, and act as if I didn’t say anything at all. I tried no contact with my ex for 2 and a half weeks, and then wrote them an “elephant in the room” letter. I started to slowly text them and rebuild attraction, and after a week of slowly having light conversations, I sent her a long memory text and told her how I never realized how insecure I was until now, after going to counseling for a bit. She seemed to kind of brush if off, asking why im bringing this up now and that she feels that talking to her about it will make me more upset. When I asked to hang out and grab food , just to catch up, she said “i think we still need time to heal”. I havent spoken to her in 2 weeks (so since all of that happened). Finals are approaching and she’ll be going home soon. I don’t know what to do, does this make her sound like she moved on completely, or should I try waiting another couple of weeks before reaching out again? I have this urge to just call her on the phone and talk about things, and I feel like no contact is going to do more harm than good. Thanks,

-Phil

Daina
Daina

My ex, he was so sweet in the begining of the relationship ,we talk and discuss about future and stuff.But then we had lot of fights,we were on n off lyk a 100 tyms,usually i breakup then he comes back and things goes back to normal,but for a few months he was cold,he talks only when he misses me.Else there is no reply even when i would want to talk.One day when we were talking,he says he isn sure about this.So i move out and there was no defense from his side n no pacification.Then he comes back and says he wants to be friends and needs some to talk to.But i am following NC.Will that work

Marie
Marie

Hi,
I have said harsh words that hurt my fiancé’s ego after finding out that he went drinking with the boys without telling me (we’re in a long distance relationship). The next day he didn’t reply to my messages and so on. I sent him messages everyday which surely made me appear desperate and needy. He still hasn’t replied, but I know he’s reading them. I tried to call, but he won’t answer. He’s been ignoring me for more than a week now. I came across this site the other day and since then, I have started no contact. My worry now is that, we are set to wed in July and I am busy with the preparations, while he’s busy working his ads off overseas. We need to communicate asap. What do you think I should do? Will no contact work in my case? Thank you so much for your help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you are getting married soon, then no contact isn’t a good idea so you should set to resolve the situation as soon as possible. Figure out why he’s not responding to you and if there’s something you can do that would change that.

Marie
Marie

Hi Ryan,

Thanks for responding. I appreciate it. My fiancé sent me a screenshot of his plane ticket. He would be arriving on May 23. But not a single word from him. Does that mean I can do no contact until he arrives? It’s too long for me to bear. It’s like I’m losing my mind.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, you could decide to do no contact for now while waiting for his arrival. In the meantime, focus on yourself and the guidelines of what you should be doing during no contact.

Marie
Marie

Hi. I’m sorry to bother you once again. So, I’m committed to doing no contact, but I made the mistake of checking on his Facebook profile and saw that he changed his cover photo to something that says this: There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. I thought the no contact rule will make him miss me, but it seems that after more than a week of not hearing from me, he has grown mad at me. Please help me. I’m trying very hard not to contact him, but I think I can’t take it anymore. What if he’s really had enough of me? Doesn’t no contact make me lose my chance of getting him back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It typically doesn’t, but it also would depend on the circumstances of the relationship and your partner’s personality. If he is the type to seemingly get mad instead, you could always contact him to let him know that you need some time to work on yourself. However, having said that, as you’re supposed to get married soon, perhaps contacting him sooner than later would be a good idea so he doesn’t get the wrong idea and think you’re being difficult and purposely ignoring him.

Bvrb26
Bvrb26
Hi Kevin, My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me almost 4 weeks ago. I’m aware of how short a relationship it was but it was extremely passionate and intense since day one. We had been close friends for at least a year before we became a couple. I should also point out for your understanding that we are long distance (3 hrs from eachother) and visits were in no way an impossible issue for us. But it was a horrible breakup. He did it through my best friend saying it was “too painful” for him to face me and had her tell me not to contact him. Desperately calling and texting him that night with him saying he would block me if I continued ended with ugly results on my part. The result of such agony led to my attempted suicide (completely out of my charcater) but I came to my senses and stopped the process before anything irreversible happened. The next day he called me to give me his reasons for ending it and as he was telling me all this he was also saying “I love you so much” and “You’re so beautiful inside and out” and “You’re literally everything I ever wanted in a girl.” I made most of the mistakes mentioned in your articles of what NOT to do. I was desperate. By the 2nd week post breakup I finally apologized for my outbursts and tried my best to be his friend. After coming across your detailed articles and guides (thank you by the way for making them accessible to anyone any time!!) I realized what I had to do and should’ve done is no contact. Being as it was that he would still casually message me(he would insist on keeping our friendship and that I was his true best friend), I felt it necessary to let him know I would no longer be replying to his messages or reaching out. I kept it very brief, straight forward and said goodbye saying I needed time to heal and couldn’t be his friend while feeling this way. I could see him typing a response right away for about 10 minutes. Whatever it was, he never sent it and instead I saw through social media he started drinking and got very drunk that same night. He drunk texted me but I stuck to no contact and never replied. It’s been only one week of official NC. Yesterday I posted pics and videos of all the fun I was having and hanging out with my best friend. I felt good. Better then I have any other day since him leaving me. Ever since he broke up with… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This is probably him getting affected by your posts, and stopping himself from viewing them any further by removing you. You could continue on with NC and making those positive changes before contacting him when NC ends to try and break the ice once more.

Bvrb26
Bvrb26

Thank you Ryan, I appreciate your reply to my long message. A day ago I feel I unknowingly made yet another mistake (I know, Im hopless! Haha). I dont really know how Snapchat works with the details of these things so I assumed that since he removed me it wouldn’t notify him of any activity from me. In a silly act of missing him I made the mistake of revisiting our last messages from only a couples day before the breakup. I saved them and Snapchat notified him. He responded with question marks to which I didn’t respond. I saved one more message and he replied again with “Can you please stop…its unsettling.” I finally wrote back with “If it bothers you that much then you can block me so as to not be notified. I noticed you removed me already so if you feel you need to do that then its okay and you can. I hope all is well with you.” He didnt respond for almost 4 hours and when he did all it said was “Sorry I was busy. Just at work” I didnt reply. I hope my initial response didnt ruin the NC process I had going for me. I never meant for him to know I had been saving our messages. To not risk this happening again and also to protect myself from reminiscing on what no longer is, I also removed him so our messages are permanently gone. It hurt all over again losing months worth of messages but I hope maybe I can start NC again? Will it even work at this point? Also, his brithday is in 4 days. Is it appropriate if I were to wish him a brief and positive happy birthday through text or not? Thank you for all your help!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could wish him, but go back to NC after that and given the exchange you’ve had with him in recent days, I don’t think it would really make a difference if you wished him. Under these circumstances, you might have to prolong NC so that you at least give it enough time since this recent event.

Bvrb26
Bvrb26
Hello again Kevin, so…things have gotten a little complicated since my ex’s birthday. Sorry for this lengthy post. I went ahead and wished him a brief happy birthday and he said he appreciated it. Left it at that. Later that night his best friend messaged me and we were talking and my ex came up in the discussion. He could see I was still in love with him and went on to tell me that my ex told him he never really loved me. That it was a game from the start and all lies to play me like a fiddle from the beginning. His abrupt breakup would seem so but 5 months of constant contact over the phone and text seems hard to accept it as all a lie. I remember when he first told me he loved me. Whenever we had even a single second we would call eachother sometimes just to remind the other how much we loved eachother. We helped each other both through family trials and told eachother everything. Had phone calls that lasted hours upon hours. Im afraid that his friend may be right and I’m simply in denial…? That same night I guess his friend told him I still loved him and my ex sent me a text. He told me in the message to do what I want and forget about the past and that he shouldn’t be holding be back to sleep (he didn’t use that word) or be with someone and that he isn’t my father and I shouldn’t be asking for his permission to do so because he doesn’t care either way and to have a goodnight. Another thing is I heard through the grapevine that he didnt do anything big for his birthday but spent the day with a girl and his friend to which he called her the highlight of his birthday and the only reason it was a good birthday…referring to her with affection and hearts whenever mentioned on social media. A friend of mine suspects he had been talking to her while him and I were together bur this is only speculation. I ask myself if he did cheat, where he found the time to do so with all the constant contact we had. Anyway, Im trying very very hard not to panick but its rising within me. Any opinions or advice? Im sticking to NC but if he’s already with someone I dont know what to do. And with his message as well…he apparently even told his best friend he didnt mind if he slept with me. This all sounds like a COMPLETELY different person and like he hates me. Please help with anything… Read more »
Bvrb26
Bvrb26

I guess (like maybe most women) I’m wondering what to do and the honest question of “Is this the end of the line for all hope in trying again?”.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

At this point, there seems to be huge amount of confusion with the relationship and your ex, and it might honestly be a better idea to walk away. There’s a chance that he was playing you from the start, and even if that wasn’t true, his abrupt breakup becomes another cause for concern, along with his new date becoming the last obstacle and whether he was cheating on you or not. Regardless, his cold response towards you shows that he isn’t interested in continuing the conversation with you. With such odds stacked against you, as I’ve mentioned, it might be a good idea to be fair to your heart and move on.

Charles
Charles
Hi, me and my ex-girlfriend ended a relationship of 1 and half years. During this time, we broke up and got back few times. I ended sometimes and she did too. She has a son and never was married. She really liked me and I was the first boyfriend that she presented to her son. Since I was very insecure and we were always arguing, I was afraid of commitment. In the end, she started to disconnect from me and she brokeup in last December 2017. Since then, I tried to get back with her because I reckon that I should have afraid of commintment and most of the times we discussed was in part because I didn’t decide to have a life together with them (she and her son). I always wanted that but was afraid of doing it. After we broke up, I tryed to talk to her few weeks later and get back to our relationship. At first, she responded to my messages, but I think she was afraid that if we did, we would got back to the same situation and stopped to talk to me. Then she told me that her decision to break up was final and would never get back to me. I was broken. Then I sent an email few weeks after telling that was was sorry for all my mistakes and that I wated to have a future with her. Then she agreed to talk to me in person and after telling me that the main reason to break up was only my fault (she also had some responsability also, believe me) and I appolagized to her and in the end she told me that would think about getting back together (in this conversation she reckon that she was afraid if get back together, it would be the same and that I would change in the begining and we would would to the same, as we did in the past). Two weeks later she told me that it was over. I was devastated with this and told her that. After this, I was with no contact for abaout 6-7 weeks. Then I started to message her but her replies were vere short and never wanted to restar a reall conversation. Finally, I was trying to know more about her by a common friend and she discovered and was really mad about that (she told me before to not do it). Few days ago, she told me that would never change her mind and that I should respect her decision. I know, huge mistake from me 🙁 Now I am not sure if I get a chance to get her back. I… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Your chances might not be very high because it has occurred several times, and she might be feeling very guarded against you as each time the disappointment builds up. I suggest giving her a bit more space and then trying to initiate contact. If she still does not reply positively towards you, you may want to consider walking away instead from things.

Daniel
Daniel

My girlfriend told me she wanted time and space because she is going to start college to be a nurse and she has two kids 4 and 3 yrs old and she wanted a break from us to get things going for herself and she told me thag i also need to get myself working hard and save money to get a place and she sed “im not breaking up with you ok im just needing time to get stuff going for myself and you do the same that’s it” .so how long should i do no contact even though i didn’t do anything wrong? And if i do the no contact won’t that pull her away since she will be busy with everything else ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you continue to contact her after she has expressed this, you’ll run the risk of pushing her away because she may will feel suffocated. If she wanted a break from the relationship, there must have been something that she felt tired about with it. It would be a good idea what exactly she needs space from, and work on that.

Arron robinson
Arron robinson
hi, my girlfriend and I have been together for 8months fell madly in love with each other it was amazing. we have recently split up 5 days ago she had been feeling this for a little while and had told me that but still tried to work through it. she feels like I’ve pushed her away and that she makes me miserable due to the last four months of bad luck I’ve had i work on a fishing boat and 4 days before Christmas i went overboard and nearly lost my life she was my rock was absolutely amazing everything she did for me. but then in January my next door neighbor who was also my best friend i found him hed passed away it was the worst experience of my life and in the time since I’ve been getting drunk a lot and smoking cannabis when she comes to see me I’ve been breaking down all the time and being moody and miserable with her not intentionally as i love her so much which in turn has made her depressed as well as she feels she gave me everything and is mentally drained from it all and feels we are differnt people to when we met in the last 2 weeks tho i have made improvements ive stopped smoking and drinking feel a lot beeter for it. before we broke up on friday we hadn’t seen each other the week before as needed some space then i got a msg friday afternoon saying hi hope your ok ive had a really good think this week i know you wont like this but ive been a lot happier on my own this last week and ive found myself again this isnt anything to do with you its me yes weve had our issues but i just think i need to be on my own i hope you understand so i msg her back saying im ok and that im happy youve felt better we then spoke on the phone and i said it makes me sad that you feel the need to be alone to be happy but i love and respect you enough to let you go and thanked her for all the support and everything that her and her family had done for me through this bad time i then asked her if she still feels something for me she replied yes and then i asked if she though there could be another chance she said im not saying never but right now i need to be alone we was both crying then i said im sorry and good bye she replied im sorry good bye too. since… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s probably important for you to find a way to pick yourself up right now because that’s the main thing that caused her to walk away because it becomes emotionally draining on her. Spend this NC period working on yourself and perhaps if the opportunity presents itself after, you can go contact her again.

Wilma
Wilma

Hi,
My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me two months ago after he took some drugs while I was on holiday and decided that he was too dependent on me and he wanted to go make some friends, which he felt like he couldn’t do while he was in a relationship. Before my holiday our relationship was very good and the breakup was very out the blue. After we broke up, we continued messaging each other and seeing each other regularly for the first month, as we both still loved each other.
During this time he continued to take drugs with his flatmates who I do not think are a good influence, and slowly began to message me less and I could feel him pulling away from me. Around a month ago we decided to try and stop messaging each other, however I continued to message him every few days making sure he was doing okay(which I realise from reading your article was a mistake), and in that time he said he missed me and was feeling sad without me but he felt he had to break up with me.
The last contact we had was last Thursday when I asked if he wanted to meet for a coffee. He refused saying it might make him too sad to see me and he did not want to risk it and that he was worried if he saw me now he would get back together with me because of how sad he feels without me, I replied letting him know I was here if he changed his mind and wanted to talk but I would give him some space to think, and since that time we have been in NC. In the summer he will be moving in with different people who are a better influence. Any advice how I should proceed? Have I ruined my chances of getting back together with him by not doing the NC as soon as we agreed to stop talking? Should I wait until he gets in contact with me, if he does?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No I don’t think you’ve ruined your chances. Give him the space he requires for now as it may be the drugs that are influencing him to feel this way. Perhaps go into NC and remain friends with him after until he has cleaned up a little more before trying again.

RickyC
RickyC

Hi there, my girlfriend of almost 3 years said she needs a break and for me to get my life in order. As of recent, I’ve been changing jobs like crazy every 3 months and she said she was fed up with that. She turns 40 soon and wants some stability in her life(house, kids). The relationship was damn near perfect, we had 2 petty arguments in total. My family loves her to the core and her family likes me. I had plans to propose this summer around June, now that’s on hold. She’s the breadwinner in the relationship and always pushes me to get higher paying jobs. I tried and tried but so far haven’t found the right one yet. So far it’s been NC for about 10 days however she has sent a few texts craving attention which I just brush off with single cold word responses like “cool”. Haven’t heard from her in the last 5 days, I don’t wanna isolate her to where she moves on. I’m 40 and I still want to marry her since we’re like peanut butter and jelly aside from the finance stuff. Thoughts?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Instead of giving one word replies the next time she contacts you, let her know that you’re in the process of trying to deal with the breakup and get your life together as she had felt you should. Also, you’ll have to actually work on that aspect if you want a shot at winning her back because it’s understandable that she would not feel secure settling down with someone who has no stability.

RickyC
RickyC

Thanks for the reply, ever since the split I have been doing nothing but improving on myself!! Getting up early to hit gym and scheduling interviews like crazy. A few days after the split it hit me, SHE WAS RIGHT I do need to get my life together and now I see this as a wake-up call. On Monday she broke NC to ask how I was doing and how was the job searching going, I replied “good, 4 interviews lined for this week alone”. She replied “good man” and emailed me a document on how to answer interview questions better. I said thanks and left it at that. However, I just found out she wants to spend some time with my mother shopping this weekend. I plan on sticking to my NC and self-improvement plan.

RickyC
RickyC

So I sent her the elephant in the room text and it took her a few hours to respond. She responded with “Lov you, let me know how your progress. I wish you the best”. I assume it’s over for now? I responded with ” I will, I still love you too” but I need to make things better not just for me but for us. AKA get my act together.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Do that, and simply spend this time focused on improving yourself so that you’ll come across as a changed person.

RickyC
RickyC

Roger that!

RickyC
RickyC

After 3 weeks of NC the ex-has been texting me constantly for the past few days. With every day that passes she is increasing her texts more and more every day. We text about how things are but nothing in regards to us. I feel every day that passes by she’s opening up a bit more and I don’t want to rush her. I found out from her brother that she had a nervous breakdown after her birthday which was around the time we split up. Right now I reply to her text since it’s pretty much how my job search is going and what I’m up to these days. I do want to show her that I’m improving in many ways and I should land a real job really soon. I assume this is a good sign?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, the fact that she’s opening up to you again is definitely a good sign rather than responding negatively. Continue with building assurance and a sense of familiarity once more with her before moving to the next stage.

RickyC
RickyC

Ex wants to get together for lunch today, I plan on taking it easy and not diving into the reasons of our break. She had a rough weekend in which her dog died, the first thing she did was text me all upset. I gave her my condolences and went partying that night in which she found out.
I want her to take her time to opening up so we can discuss us however I don’t want to end up in the friend zone.

rickyc
rickyc

Had lunch with the ex and everything seemed fine, I did make her laugh out loud without even trying. She still wears the Tiffanys heart pendant I gave her for Vday but did mention that she is seeing someone however when I asked who he was or his first name she smirked and said nothing. I’m not gonna lie that stung a bit. Not sure if she is telling the truth but my gut tells me she’s seeing someone as a rebound. However, before she left she said, “let me know how the job search goes” which was the main reason for our split. I gave her a hug and nothing more but it’s tough seeing her without showing affection(kiss), should I just go back to NC?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could continue talking to her, and to gauge how her relationship with the other person is. However, the moment you feel her pulling away from the conversation, do not overstep your boundaries and keep calm.

RickyC
RickyC

We texted for a while recently and she gave me a lot of mixed signals. She says she still loves me and then she says she doesn’t. She said we still have a shot and getting back together, then she says that she going to give the rebound guy a chance but she keeps checking up on me on a daily basis to see how I’m doing and how the job search is going. The rebound guy is not her type in any way so it tells me that it’s probably not going to last. I’m working on myself physically and professionally that I’m about to land a nice job soon. I told her this and her texts keep increasing to sort of check my status. I assume she’s waiting for me to get my act together to reconcile?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be that she’s looking for a reason to get back together, but at the same time she may not feel sure of herself and you yet, which is why she engages in this push&pull of emotions towards you. Continue with the conversations but avoid looking needy or pushy anytime in between.

RickyC
RickyC

Ryan,

I want to thank you for all your advice but this girl leaving was the best thing to happen to me. I have seen her true colors now, this girl is a bi-polar mental head case looking for a poor sucker to bleed financially. No wonder no guy has ever proposed or even married her at 39. Now that I step back and see it with a fresh pair of eyes all the red flags were there, it was ALL about her. She never asked what I wanted or anything she was selfish, tight as fuck with her money and thought she was better than everyone else. Giving me ultimatums that if I didn’t marry her but a specific date she would leave and I later found out she was talking to her rebound guy a month before we officially broke up. I checked one of her emails to her sister and when I saw it, it was all I needed to know. She put on there “Ricky thinks we’re taking a break, but it’s been over”. Why not just say this and instead of keeping me dangling emotionally. This is one cold selfish bitch and I count my lucky stars now.
Ciao

hp
hp

my ex broke it off about 2 weeks ago. It came out of nowhere or at least I didnt see the signs until afterwards. We were together 3 months, never fought, and always fun times for first 2 months. She is mother of two teens and is divorced. I suspect I started taking her for granted, maybe being selfish in choices of how we spend our time, but especially she said she doesn’t respect how I treat other people and my way of thinking. it made her uncomfortable. this may be true or there may be a whole other reason I dont know about. She had some crying spells few weeks before breakup and wouldnt explain. I can see so clearly how I goofed and want to show her I do really care for her and am serious about her. I asked her to reconsider but I wasn’t overly needy and didnt cry or beg. She didnt block me on any social and she texts me every few days with cold, generic message “hows everything going?”. My replies are probably a bit over the top enthusiastic and ive asked her to meet a few times, but she says she’s busy. Since I suspect part of this is her feeling im not really serious about her or about that I can change some of my reactions that she finds stressful, If I stop contact it might push her away more. I did ask for chance too soon after, which was too soon and I can feel the power has shifted in how she chats with me. I can do NC but I want to reply if she contacts. whats hard is to be cool when she does and not be overly zealous to meet or show her ive changed..I really want her back and think there are some misunderstands at play here too….

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s understandable that after some time being in the relationship that certain issues occur, and both parties see sides to their partner they may not be used to. You’ll probably have to show her as you mentioned with your actions that you’re capable of being serious about things when it requires you to be. Also, perhaps work on figuring out why she felt uncomfortable with the way you treated others and thinking, and if it’s genuinely a negative aspect, consider changing it about yourself.

Mike
Mike

Hello Kevin. After reading your article I decided to take control of the situation and I initiated no contact. We were on talking terms and I took your advice and told her that I needed some time and space to heal from the break up which I never truly did. I went almost 2 weeks without talking to her and then she contacted me. She goated me into an argument and I broke no contact. After that I immediately went back into no contact and again 2 weeks in she contacted me several times saying she “misses me” and asking me questions, wishing all is well? This time I have remained strong and ignored her texts and attempts to communicate and then I get this message from her: Ok Mike. You win. I sure hope you’re not doing this in hopes to talk again as friends one day. Because that’s never going to happen. You are now dead to me. Got it? Lose my number for good. I mean it. Do not text me if you get into ……….., cuz I won’t care. Do not text me about births or deaths in your family. Not my concern any longer. Stay out of my life forever! Clearly she’s is infuriated over the fact I have followed no contact as recommended and no responded. Now l and worried going no contact has caused severe damage I won’t be able to recover from. I don’t know what to do from here on out. Any suggestions?

Mike

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This meant that NC has effectively gotten to her based on her response towards you. It might be a good idea to let her know that you need some space in order to make positive changes to your life and by remaining in contact with her at that point would only affect you emotionally, because you wouldn’t be able to process the breakup properly.

Ivan
Ivan

I broke up with my girlfriend more than 2 months ago. She left me after a small fight when I was in emotional mess because of family and career problems. I begged for 3 days and then done NC for a week. We met and I begged her again. Then i tried to remain friend but it hurt me too much. I started NC again for 2 weeks but I saw her looking sad at college so I borke no contact and wanted to talk to her. Next week we talked again and she was kinda ignorat and I acted isecure. I started NC again but it was already 7 weeks from break up. It’s 4 weeks of no contact right now. Even after 3 weeks since breakup i improved myself rapidly, got in better shape, fixed career and family issues and met new friends, by now it got even better, but i doubt she noticed (except my shape). I still don’t feel that clearminded and confident in front of her. My mindset bothers me (altough I’m aware there’s plenty of fish in the water) and her ignorance hurts me. How effective will this no contact be if I started it after 7 weeks? It will be 2,5 months since break up when I finnish no contact, is it too late?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s never too late to go into NC since it also acts as a buffer to clear your mind during this period, which seems to be the main issues that’s affecting you and your inability to feel confident in front of her.

Lana
Lana

Hi! I’m broke up with my ex-boyfriend after 11 years together. The issues about religion and that’s why we cant move to another step (married). But how to explain, he makes too many promises to me, wants to convert and get married, but he lies to me when that time is coming to convert he tell me, he not ready but I give more time and realize like he just want me to stay with him but not think this to serious relationship. I live him yesterday and I reading this article. I love him and want his to know what he did its wrong and he should think mature and serious on this relationship… I’ll try this No Contact and wish me luck

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

All the best Lana. We hope things work well for you.

User
User

My ex contacted me after afterfour months .
Im wonder if he back to hurt my feelings or he no
Reply me plz

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That is something you would have to consider based on the situation that occurred previously. Consider if the relationship ended on a bad note, or what he’s like as a person and whether he’s capable of doing something like contacting you just to hurt you. Depending on how you’ve picked yourself up since the breakup, it should not be as easy for him to hurt you even if he wanted to, since you should be stronger now after the breakup.

MN
MN

Two days ago my long distance boyfriend of around 4 months and I talked about loyalty, and that’s when he admitted he’d been cheating on me with another girl from a party just one or two days after our last meet-up/date for 2-3 weeks now. He said that he doesn’t feel like committing anymore and perhaps never will to anyone in his life, and that he doesn’t have too many feelings for me anymore. We had talked about me coming to his country for studies and living with him, and he said he’d be fine with it if I didn’t come, and that it would be odd if I lived with him with so little commitment. Regarding the relationship, he said “take it or leave it”. He didn’t show any remorse, but also didn’t break up with me. I suppose he wanted me to do it, because he is a coward.

Instead of showing any strong reaction or making a definite break, I hung up on him, cutting the convo short with the words “I need to think about this”. After just one day of no contact, he texted me saying “How are you feeling”. What should I do? A friend of mine says I should tell him I don’t feel like talking with him rn and that I need space, but perhaps I should better just ignore it? I am also not sure yet whether I want to take him back. One day wasn’t enough for me to really go through it all.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Tell him that you need more space and time to think about it, but judging by the way he has expressed himself, it doesn’t seem like he cares very much whether you choose him or not. I would suggest you think things through carefully because this may not even be the case of him losing ‘romantic’ feelings for you, but one that he’s indifferent to the relationship.

MN
MN

We talked some more, and he is being Hot and Cold. The next night when he hung out with the girl he cheated on me with, he was online the whole time (instead of focusing on her), and later wrote me (not being sober) “I love you baby” and “Im sorry I’ve hurt you”, but then the next day he was cold again and told me to find someone who is worthy.

We talked again, he opened up to me about his issues etc., he even sent kiss emoji later, but I didn’t respond. He kept flirting with other girls in the group chat, and told me “love you” but then how he is sending someone nude pics. He said, all he would/could do is an “open relationship”.

The thing is, he recently just got homeless and is going through tough times. His self esteem is pretty low. It seems like he is on an Ego trip right now, and simply not capable of sustaining a committed long distance relationship right now. He said in the group chat that we fit pretty well together, but that the distance sucked and he wants to get laid…

I don’t want to leave the group chat, but it seems like perhaps I should, for at least until the No contact period is over, because he is active on there everyday, and him flirting with other girls on it just makes me more insecure. I am not sure what to do. Should I move on for good?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

At his stage of life and situation, there’s no guarantee when he would change and become more grounded. It may be a better idea as you say to leave the group chat for now, and even consider moving on if your ex is only remaining in contact with you because he wants the emotional connection but would still talk to other girls and flirt around because he’s trying to get laid.

Courtney
Courtney

My BF broke up about 2 weeks ago, haven’t contacted him since. He carries a lot of insecurities and he said he can’t get a connection between us. We have been up and down together for 4 years. He also said we needed to be apart so he could work on his demons. Not sure if I believe there’s no connection after 4 years but would like to get your thoughts? Worth persuing? Continue NC? Help!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

4 years is a long time to be together and there’s definitely no way to not have a connection after this period. It might be your ex’s insecurities that got the better of him, and perhaps the breakup hasn’t hit him yet to realize this. If you really love him and want the relationship back, it’s definitely worth a shot to pursue things.

Nick
Nick

okay so my girlfriend told me she wanted a break and we have been on it for a week now. Every morning though at school, she comes towards me like she would before the break up and we go down and get breakfast together, she has also texted me firs a couple of nights . what should i do. should i use the no-contact rule or should i still go with her since she said it’s just a break?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since it’s just a break, it might be better to stay in contact and slowly try to soften her up and win her back from there. Just remember not to be too pushy about things or you’ll risk making the break a permanent thing.

Tiffany
Tiffany

So I have known this guy for a few months. We were seeing each other but never committed. About a month or so ago we mutually agreed to take a break from each other due to him needing to figure himself out. Although, his definition of a break was not the same as mine. He kept in contact with me everyday, just not often. I got tired of the “half-ass” communication we were going through and decided to cut it off. I told him it was better to not associate with each other until he figured out what he wanted. I truly believe that he really just needs time to himself and space away from me, but of course in the back of my mind I will always think someone else caught his interest. I also think he may have some other personal problems that is causing this. Are my chances of getting him to come back good if I do the NC rule?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on how serious he treated the relationship in the first place. This would determine the likelihood of him moving on during no contact. If he genuinely had interest in someone else, I assume his communication with you would’ve been less than daily (however, this is contextual). Regardless, if the relationship was meaningful enough to both parties, your application of no contact would probably cause him to think of things, and when you begin to show your changes on social media, he would probably take notice and may even miss you.

CJ
CJ

Hey,
So I had been with my now ex-partner for 6 years. He ended things in December but we still lived together and acted as a couple until we were able to move out of our house together at the start of February. We both wanted to keep in contact and remain friends through this difficult time so had been talking each day. We would stay say that we loved each other and I (stupidly) agreed to meet up for sex last week. Unfortunately, I found messages of him flirting with another girl already and confronted him about this which in turn, made him very angry and resentful towards me. I know it was wrong on my part, but I couldn’t help but feel he was only using me for sex/comfort while he tries to move on even though he knows that I still want to work on our relationship. Anyway, we were supposed to see each other on Sunday to hang out before I confronted him about the other girl, but he cancelled after the argument. He still however sent a message later that day that ended with love you. I messaged again on Monday morning to meet up and talk about things, but he declined. So on Tuesday night, I decided to implicate the no contact rule and sent a message similar to the ‘elephant in the room’ to make him aware of it. I honestly was expecting a reply, but he has only ‘read’ the message. I can’t help but think that he is very angry towards me for my mistakes following the break up and will no longer want anything to do with me in future. What happens if I try to contact him after the no contact rule and he leaves me on ‘read’ again? I know I will assume that he will still be angry with me but if after I focus on myself during no contact and realise that I do want to keep fighting for him as a boyfriend but even as a friend, is that even going to be possible if he doesn’t reply? Maybe I am just overthinking because of the current circumstances, but I am so worried that he will go back on his word about wanting to be friends in future. Please help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Someone who wanted to use you simply for sex while he focused on moving on may not be worth the effort. However, if you genuinely still want to make things work with him, or even remain friends, the best you can do for now is to give him some space. That’s what NC is for, to give him the space and time to let go of negative emotions related to the breakup/you.

Gwen Rani
Gwen Rani

This is my situation..i still with him, but in our relationship he always ignore me, i think he has changed, but when i ask to him, he always said there’s no changed within him. He never call me or text me again, we doing an LDR for 3 months. The answer i have in mind is..does the “no contact” period will work on my situation? Please give answer & some clue to me to make him not ignore me & make him fall in love to me again

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should have an honest talk with him about this, and consider walking away first before applying NC if he still insists on being the same. If the LDR started only recently, he may have started to feel less obligated to you, especially when he isn’t physically around which results in his behavior of not calling or texting.

Darrell
Darrell

My gf of 6 months dumped me because she is too busy for a relationship (full time job and school). The relationship was very healthy throughout (we never once fought or even disagreed). We left on good terms and told each other we’d stay in touch and possibly look to get back together in the future. But when I started to contact her afterwards she seemed to be pulling away. I did my best to not come across as needy, but it’s possible I gave that impression. I’ve now started no contact and am about a week in. How long should I do no contact for?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should do no contact for around 30 days still, and she may be pulling away because she’s trying to cope with the break up and remaining in contact with you would defeat that purpose. You should give her to space for now, and just focus on yourself in the meantime.

Pete
Pete

My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago after an 8 years relationship, claiming she doesn’t love me anymore and that she felt unnapreciated, and she felt this deep attraction by a co-worker. We lived togheter for a little over 1 year and I brought my dog, whitch she loves deeply and takes really good care of. I started no contact and moved out the apartment, leaving it available to her until she decides to leave, but she also is not sleeping there and is staying with a friend. Since then she tried to call me and texted me asking if we could talk. I never replied, but then she texted me asking me if it was necessary for her to go to the apartment to take care of the dog, since she knows I’m out for most of the day and usually she would be there for that period. I struggled to reply worrying it would break NC, but then I compared the dog to the child situation and simply replied “no” and she thanked me. Im freaking out because I’m thinking this will be the opportunity for her to meet the guy (I’m preety sure they haven’t met outside work yet). I know she will contact me again for this issue and then again to talk about leaving the house permanently (everything of her’s is still there) and I’m not sure how to deal with this and if it will considered breaking NC.
Thank you.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

NC is only meant as a general guideline for people to follow, and based on your given circumstances, should always adjust it accordingly. Don’t be too afraid of breaking the rules of NC, especially when it’s for a purpose beyond the relationship, such as the dog that you’ve both come to love and take care of.

Pete
Pete

Its been 3 weeks since the breakup. Less than 2 weeks ago we had a polite conversation about who keeps what in the apartment and she wanting to keep taking care of the dog to which I (reluctantly) asked if it was wise for us wanting to move forward, and she being in a new relationship, that she kept coming back frequently to the house. She was very assertive in saying that she was not in a new relationship nor she wanted to be and then cried accusing me of keeping her away from the dog, to which I replied that I would never do that, because how much she loves the dog and how much the dog loves her. Moreover, she said she would always be there for me and would keep taking care of the apartment (cleaning and cooking) whenever im not home (of course I said no to that!). Whenever she texts me, I only reply to those concerning the dog and I take my time in doing so and keep it concise. On the contrary, she replies almost immediately after and today I sent her a text by mistake (lol) to which she replied 2h later and apologized saying that only then she saw the text. Im still in NCP and I’m not ready to break it, and im always assuming she’s with the guy. Basically I’m very confused about her behavior as i dont know how to interpret her feelings for me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since she insists that she isn’t dating anyone new, you’re going to have to take her at her word for it. Based on her behavior, there’s a chance that she still has some sort of feelings for you, but may be subconsciously projecting her actions based on old habits she’s familiar with (during the relationship period). Perhaps continue with NC and when you’re done, you could always ease back into things with her – starting with a casual friendship to build up the comfort levels once more.

Insacurewoman
Insacurewoman

Me and my ex were together for 7 months. We moved pretty fast, emotionally and physically. We fell in love in 2 months of being together. We did everything together, told each other everything. There has been times when both of our exs got back in touch with us, messaged us both to try and split us up and that was in the beginning. We became stronger than ever. I had to leave work due to being poorly and I was feeling pressured to go to college, he never did or said anything horrible. He would stay round mine every Saturday but this one Saturday he couldn’t as he was busy. We had a car crash 2 weeks before the breakup so he had to bet ride of his beloved car, he was very upset. And I messaged him saying if he didn’t want to see me that day all he had to do was say. But he said I was being horrible, I was feeling insacure. I told him I was sorry and that I was feeling upset, he told me he had to have time to think, I asked him if he was going to break up with me. I admit I wouldn’t stop messaging him or calling him. He the love of my life. But he came over that day. We talked. I tried everything. He told me he loves me and that I make him happy. But he said that he will have to think about it. But my mum did say he already knew and he sayid he was sorry and left. I messaged him less than a week since we broke up and I messaged him again a couple of days after. Tried to add him on Facebook again. I’ve stopped even trying to contact him, I want him to miss me and come back. What do I do? Will he just miss me and come back? He left because our future is different he said. He wants me to work and maybe afford a house in 3 years. But who knows w hat will happen in 3 years time. Please I need advice I’m going crazy. We been apart for 3 weeks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The best thing you can do right now, is to actually stop contacting him any further for the time being, and to genuinely spend time working on yourself. We all have to grow up some day, and some people are only willing to progress with a partner who has the same frequency and is working towards the same goals as them.

Addison Parker
Addison Parker

Hi there! Firstly, I bought your EXBoyfriend Recovery book 2 years ago when I was going through a breakup. It helped so much! However, it was a PDF version and I have lost it! 😩 Eventually, he did come back, but after finding out that he cheated- I didn’t want him. Lol
Fast forward 2 years later to now. My boyfriend of 6 months, whom I loved with all of my heart, broke up with me about 1 month ago. We had met about 15 years ago and then a mutual friend fixed us up in July of this year. We were quick to talk about all things serious. He got my finger sized in september and had asked me to move in two weeks prior to breaking up with me. When he ended it, it was a very small argument that led to him saying he wasn’t ready to be married and ready for the seriousness of what our relationship had become. I was floored! I ugly cried and begged and pleaded and did all of the things you’re not supposed to do. My world had stopped. Due to needing to make arrangements to get my things out of his house (he had two weeks prior asked me and my daughter to move in), we talked for a couple of weeks after the breakup. Once I got all of our items out of his house, I have not attempted to contacted him since and he hasn’t reached out to me. This was 17 days ago. He had continued being my friend on Facebook but on SuperBowl sunday, he deleted all of our pics as he was around his friends (he posted a pic which is how I knew he was around his friends). To me, this meant that he was making an effort to move on. Though I had already “unfollowed” him, I couldn’t help myself when I saw this so I unfriended him. I didn’t want to watch him as he moved on with his life and removed traces of me and my daughter. It was incredibly painful as I’m sure you can understand. Given the fact that he hasn’t contacted me and he removed our pics, I feel like he is wanting to move on. I’m afraid I’m losing him forever the longer we go without talking and he’s making these changes to his profile for everyone to see. HELP! Should I contact him or has he moved on?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He may be trying to move on, but that doesn’t mean that he already has. Many people get cold feet when things start to become too serious (aka marriage), before suddenly turning the opposite direction to make a dash for it because of the million and one fears that enter their mind. If you really want him back, I would suggest you try to contact him to see if things can be sorted out and whether his fears are rationally thought through. If it turns out to be more than just some irrational fear, and he has genuine issues that led to the break up (that can’t be resolved), then you might want to re-evaluate the situation again and decide if you still want to try and give another shot.

Marie
Marie
Hey, i think i made a big mistake ( or two!). here is my situation: my ex broke up with me two weeks ago. He said that he had thought about it through and was feeling like we didn’t have a future together and wanted to be over. At first he said that he still loved me, but the second time he broke up he said, he didn’t love me anymore. We talked for a long time about it, I tried to convince him to give me more time, I begged but he was sure. We spent one last day together, ( very nice and loving but sad of course) and as I was living with him in his country and when he broke up, I went back to mine. We talked via text for a day. then I had been implementing nc for eight days when he sent me a message to know how I was and say thanks for me telling our friends to take care of him. I waited a couple of days to answer, to be sure. He hadn’t say anything about me ignoring him and he even said to a friend I was hanging out with to tell me hi ( like I hope she is OK and I don’t give a damn she is not answering). I then answered because I had seen on another site that when you are a long distance from your ex no contact is not the best, and I am really not sure it would work on him because he really wanted the break up and he has lots to do with his days and he is not the type to obsess over me not replying, and to try to show him I had moved on and was doing good, having friends and everything ( what he had reproached me). The talk was chitchatty, nothing more. Also I had been writing my feelings about the break up down, because at first I thought that if I could rationally show him that his feeling of no future was just temporary, and that it would get better ( when I could find new friends and a job in his town) that I would make him realise that he had made a mistake. I sent him this email but I didn’t want to beg again so I presented more in a “I want to move on, and have my questions answered, and I’m improving myself” kind of way. Do you think those two things killed my chances of getting him back? Did I give him one last dose by answering to his message and stopped his addiction to me, by revealing he… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It really depends on how the relationship was developed upon back when you guys were together. Your chances are definitely not 0, but from the way things sound, he may have lost his feelings of intimacy and passion towards you, but not in the way that he no longer cares about you. You did well by not presenting yourself in a desperate sort of way, and that may be why he hasn’t distanced himself from you. However, since he’s still caught up about the negative aspects of the relationship, I would suggest going forward with NC, and if you’d like you could let him know that you’re planning to take time off to work on yourself and you hope he could still remain friends with you. There are specific steps which Kevin could guide you on, as part of our personal coaching program. You could contact us directly via our contact page for further information on our coaching program.

Chris
Chris

Hi my girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me new years eve. She claimed we were to different. She likes to do things like drink and go to concerts, bars, big social events. None of that stuff is really for me and i bailed a lot of the times so i guess i could have done a better job at compromising. We both could have done better in our relationship but all she ever said is that she questions our compatibility. Before she broke up with me she told me she loves me and hopes to be friends. I let a month go by of NC and sent her a closure text admiting my flaws so i can improve on myself and i wished her the best and i did say when the time is right id like to be friends. She responded claiming the reason she didnt reach out over that month is because she still gets really upset if she tries to talk to me. Can you guide me in the next direction i also have her blocked on social media. I love this girl so much and i want her back.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

For the time being, since you have completed NC already, you could always consider initiating casual conversation once more with your ex, and to see where things may lead from there.

catlady
catlady

We both just turned 40 having spent 13 years in a same-sex relationship, legally married for 3. Our sex life had died off a while ago which made her unhappy and I was working to fix it. Then 2 months ago, coinciding with her 40th birthday, she seemed to have a breakdown, was crying all the time, saying she had been numb for years and felt suffocated, judged and controlled. We agreed to work on these things, she was going to start going out by herself more and we’d get therapy.
Last Saturday, our anniversary, she admitted that she realized she had fallen in love with a male coworker when he moved to a new job at the start of December. That she hadn’t slept with him yet, but has been physical. He is planning to leave his wife of 19 years. She also said that even if it doesn’t work out with him, that we are “not good for each other” (everyone we know disagrees with this view and suspects she has been biased by this new man).
I didn’t take it well, I was shocked, I begged her to try to work it out with me, getting more and more upset. (She had no actual plan of leaving and stayed at the house for 2 nights more) during which time I got 0 sleep and ate nothing, eventually developing sleep psychosis, making plans to kill myself and ultimately hitting her. All of this sounds like we had a really terrible relationship, but the sad thing was that it was actually great, and we WERE happy until recently, and I desperately want to make her happy again.
Anyway, I haven’t contacted her since the day she left (Monday). However she just emailed me asking when she can get the rest of her things and when we can talk about dividing our stuff (all our finances are together including the mortgage). She wants me to sign a marriage termination agreement.
I am not ready to see her, I will box up her things for a friend to deliver and I will sign whatever she needs to feel secure, but I’m unsure of how to respond to her email. Should I reply myself, or ask a friend to be an intermediary?
Trying to do the right thing but struggling.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should do what you feel is best for yourself and your emotional well-being. If you don’t feel ready to reply her email, you could ask a friend to do it on your behalf. There’s nothing wrong with that. Also, the reasons for her suddenly acting this way could vary, but the biggest likelihood seems to be mid life crisis where she’s struggling to find meaning with her life, especially if you said that she recently turned 40 and everything has been going great up till recently.

SadGirl
SadGirl

What if you’re on a timeframe? We hadn’t been together long but I messed up (not majorly, just too eager) and he went silent after I got frustrated with him one day. Problem is he’ll deploy in a few months so in that case, can 30-days turn into 2-weeks?
I plan to contact him my mailing him a package with a smal gift that is made for him but hadn’t gotten a chance to give him. And I’d ask him to text me…
What do you think?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you haven’t been together for a long time, it’s definitely possible to reduce the no contact period, as long as it’s enough time (in your opinion and circumstance) for him to respond positively towards you.

clearlyasian
clearlyasian

Hi,

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after a 7 year relationship. I think it’s fair to say that the majority of the relationship was long distance but we overcame it by talking everyday and meeting up from whenever we could. Even though it felt like it came to an abrupt end (within the space of two weeks it went from how we had always been to it ending), the problems she mentioned were recognisable when laid out to me at the end – the waning communication, her lack of passion, her unhappiness in the relationship. But these weren’t things which had been mentioned prior to the break up so for me it had come out the blue. I don’t know if I had been too naive to recognise it or whether it was poor communication. One of the major issues was our lack of integration with each other’s families – but that’s too complicated to explain coming from traditional Asian backgrounds.

As abrupt as it felt, I still envisage a future with her. Now that I know what went wrong, I know how things have to be different. It was both our first relationships and it really felt like one that’ll last. I haven’t looked at another girl the same way. We began the no contact as soon as the break up conversation ended and neither of us had said a thing to each other, but I feel like even the 90 days recommended is too short a time before reapproaching her. From August, I will be closer to her geographically and I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to reapproach her then even if she’s come to terms with it and moved on. As much as I’d love to get back with her, I don’t want to push her away by invading the space she needs.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No Contact is not a time frame set in stone but rather the amount of time you personally feel is needed. 30/60/90 days are only an estimate gauge for general scenarios, but everyone has different needs. If you feel that August would be a better time, then give her more space for now, and perhaps contact her again only closer to the date to initiate contact before you shift. She should have let go of any negative emotions by then, considering there were no major fights or things turning ugly at the end.

Briana Kimora Lewis
Briana Kimora Lewis

My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere likke a week after the new year. He told my he did not feel anything anymore that he needs to find himself/i need to be alone and that we can still be friends. From day one of this year he has not been himself he has got into a physical fight with his brother and getting into it with people at work..hes normally not aggresive like that. After he broke up with me he deactivated his facebook left all our pics and relationship status still in place..he saud he was just over social media..told me to text him through regular text. He texted me everyday for a week after we broke up and we seen each other 2 times…he never blocked my from any thing. And he changed my netflix name but did not delete the profile. I am doing no contact for 5 days now. I still love him but i think he is bipolar or he has a mood problem /depression..he goes through feeling numb every few months but this is the worst i have ever seen him. He smokes weed everyday to surpress his emotions..i just dont know what to to i feel stuck..we have been in each others lives almost 2 years

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If there was a trigger that caused him to turn so extreme, maybe it’s something you should consider seeing how you can support him on it. It’s clear that he’s not in the best frame of mind, and if things are really extreme, I would recommend you to strongly suggest he seeks help professionally, as things could get worse if left unchecked.

Briana
Briana

I think the trigger was the new year…he is suppose to be trying to get his own place this year as in probably march ..but he has no money saved up plus alot of family issues. He doesnt want to ask me for help i think cuz its a man/pride thing.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I understand where you’re coming from about the male pride issue, since I have been guilty of it too. However, there are other ways to support your man without hurting his pride. We don’t ask for help because we don’t want to seem incapable of handling our own issues. While you may not be able to support him on the issue itself, you could always go about by being there for him, doing sweet little gestures to brighten his tough day/week.

Niki
Niki

Hi there, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after 2.5 years together. We were deeply in love and he said at the time that he still loved me and would learn not to. The issue is that he is 26 and I am 44 and I have a 6 year old child from a previous relationship. He says he is not ready to be a step-dad or live as a family and that he wants children but not for another 5-10 years, and that counts me out. He says that love isn’t enough and that he wants to follow convention even if it means the person he ends up with isn’t someone he loves as much as he loves me. I am devastated. This is also our second attempt to be together. He broke up with me last April 2017 for the same reasons. After 6 weeks he said he’d made a terrible mistake and couldn’t be without me, that I was his soul mate and we were meant to be together. It lasted 7 months until he broke up with me on 1 January 2018. I feel like he is the only person I have ever loved this much in my life and that he is making a terrible mistake which he may only realise many years down the line, but I can’t convince him anymore – I have to do the no contact to try and heal and see what happens. Do you think that I should try and rekindle the relationship again in 30 or more days or is this hopeless? We will always have the same issue but our relationship was incredible in every other way.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems like he isn’t emotionally ready to settle down, and it isn’t something that can be resolved within 30 days. If you’re going to be fair to yourself, it might be a better idea to walk away since he may not be ready for another couple of years as you’ve mentioned.

Nina
Nina

My girlfriend of 3 and a half years left me 3 months ago. It was difficult because we weren’t allowed to see each other because her parents couldn’t accept that she was gay. We could only see each other at varsity therefore she left me because she didn’t want me to get hurt by her family anymore and we argued too much about her family and we both had trust issues. We went through so much together and I don’t understand how after everything she can just move on and pretend like nothing ever happened. She told me to move on but she still wants to be friends and do things together. I believed what we had was real so I made the mistake to beg and pushed her even further away now we don’t talk anymore.I really miss her in my life. Should I try the no contact rule and then try to be her friend or should I just write her off?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This would depend entirely on what you want. If you feel that it is better to write her off and the pain you feel is not worth it, you should walk away from her completely. However, if you still feel that you want to be together with her, start with no contact to give her some space and time, since she may have a negative view on you right now for begging her.

Kelli
Kelli

Similar ending situations and its hard.

Sean
Sean

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years about a year ago before we went to university. To this day I still regret it.
I didn’t break up with her because we were going to university, we were actually going to the same school. I just thought that she didn’t appreciate me for the things I did for her, but it was really me who was being a child and being immature. She’s a very sweet and caring person, and to this day I love her more than anyone on this planet.
A couple weeks after I moved in to my school, I messaged her to meet up. We did and I basically begged her to get back together. She said no to me and for the next 6 months I made things horrible but pleading more and more looking like a fool. After that, I became angry at her, resenting her and not letting anyone bring her name up, but alas it was still my immaturity that got the better of me. It took about a year from the break up to get on normal talking terms again. She still loves me, I doubt anywhere close to how much I love her right now, but we had an amazing relationship and I know she thinks the same. Part of me still thinks she wants to be with me, but needs to see improvement in me.
I’m still so mad for her, after over a year I still can’t be with another woman. What are your thoughts? Anything would help. Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on your end goal on whether it’s to win her back or to move on. If you want her back, you should make those improvements to your life as you had said, and put your pride or anger aside because it would only serve to backfire on you. If your goal is to walk away and move on, bear in mind that you’ve already gone through several stages of grief since the break up (denial, anger, bargaining and probably some depression) and the only part left is acceptance, which has prevented you from moving on.

Accept everything that has happened regardless, and let go of your anger before any steps can be deemed effective.

Nicole
Nicole

My wife decided that she wanted a divorce about 2 weeks ago, and she moved out 2 days ago. I definitely made the mistake of begging and pleading for her to come back. She has insinuated subtly that she has doubts about her decision, but also says that she doesn’t want to talk about it because she doesn’t want to get my hopes up. She is a divorce attorney, and filed for a divorce immediately – however, she says that she did so to get the date into the system and has not served me with the papers. She was going to start drawing up a divorce agreement, but does not seem to be in a huge hurry to do so. Would you say that I should go “No Contact” even when a divorce has been filed? I’m worried that we will be so far into the divorce process in a month that it will be hard to slow down. I’m also concerned that if she does present an agreement, and I’m following No Contact, all of our communication will be about the divorce agreement and could be contentious. Also, we have two kids, so we will need to be communicating about them during this time. Would you say No Contact is still the best option in my situation?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since she has not thrown the idea of getting back together out (even though she didn’t agree either), it’s a start. No contact may make matters a little worse in your case, but it depends on the context of why she wants the divorce in the first place. If it’s something that can be worked on, I suggest you try to sort things out first, and try to convince her to get back together with you. Bear in mind you should not put too much pressure on her or she would only be more firm on her decision.

Derrel
Derrel

Its only been about 1.5 weeks since the initial break up and I went through absolute hell the first couple of days and did EVERYTHING that your guide said not to do. I felt like a fool after reading through everything and realizing the gravity of the mistakes I was doing by reaching out, pleading, not giving time.

I have only started true no contact for a brief 2 days now after many text messages and calls. Yesterday there was a huge Island event (I live on the Caribbean island of Curacao) where there was a huge boat/yacht get together….thousands of people in a little bay. And yet I ended up on a boat parked just one away from the one my ex was on…what are the fricken chances?!?! I ignored her, and tried with all my strength not to look at her…and i did succeeded. Today she sent me a message. I did respond according to your section on how to start text messaging once no contact is over. Now the reason i responded instead of ignoring it is because one of the issues I had during my relationship was that I took her for granted and did not show her the attention/affection she needed (I purposely held it back because of my own insecurities and reasons that I AM working on right now….therapist included). There were countless times in the past that she would message me and I would purposely not really pay much attention to it, or let my self forget about it. She has brought this up in a few discussions in the past and it did bother her greatly.

Now back to the reason that I did respond: In my head, i was thinking that part of me changing, bettering myself, allowing myself to open up and give someone the attention I truly do want to give them, would be to properly respond to text messages in a timely fashion and not brush them off with a shrug.

In a case like this i didn’t want her to think about all the times she must have felt the annoyance about me not responding and then think “oh so he’s not changing after all”. It was a lack of respect and attention that got me into this mess, and I did not want it to make it any worse.

So, in a case like this, if she does respond to me again in a couple days, weeks, should I completely ignore her or just send her a positive, straight-to-the-point message as prescribed by your guide?

Many thanks,

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Reply her with a to the point message, letting her know that you’re currently working to improve yourself and require some space to make changes in your life.

D
D

my boyfriend of a year and two months broke up with me 4 days ago he said he lost feelings for me and wanted me out of his life im wondering if he really meant that or only said that because i pushed things too hard to be back to normal i became clingy and tried giving him affection after trying multiple failed attempts of giving him space and trying to plan a date to sort things out everything started to go downhill within a span of about 3 months due to some petty arguement that i dont even remember at this point i really do still love him and really dont want to lose him for good do u have any suggestions as in what i could do and if he’ll ever love me or care about me again?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He could have lost affection for the way you are now or the way he remembers you to be. Since that is the case, applying no contact would be the best solution as it gives him the space to let go of memories with you, and for you to make changes in your life which can be shown at the end of the NC period. This might re-kindle the spark that he lost.

Krsna
Krsna

My ex boyfriend broke up last june 2016. He lives in u.s. and im here in the philippines. The reason that i know why he broke up with me is because i cant go to u.s and he has not got his greencard yet so je cant come home. He started again communicating with me last year and got his green card. We talked everyday and night just like we used to.he told me about his coming home to philippines and told me he wants to see me and chance of getting married like what he promise me 2 years ago. Then come sept 2017 he met a girl from the philippines too through chat and months later we seldom talked to each other. I suspected that he is busy talking to this girl. Last christmas he came home but didnt see me and this jan2 2018 i found out that he is already in a relationship with this girl he knew for 3months. I talked to him and confirmed it. I asked if he loves her but he said he dont know if he loves her. I told him i still love him and i know he knew that all the time bacause we have been together 6years on and off then we got back together after 6years on and off again. And after that conversation i have spoke to each other. I still love him how do i get him back. Please help

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’ll have to give him the space to figure these things out. He’s emotions may be in a whirl right now because he’s talking to the new girl which provides an exciting and fresh change of pace from what he’s used to. Certain situations like these you can’t control how the other party feels or his intentions. You have to let him go ahead and make the decision on his own, and if the relationship you shared with him was meaningful enough, he would eventually come back once he sees the changes you’ve made to yourself from NC.

Ralph
Ralph

My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me just before Christmas. She found out that she was pregnant and we had been trying for almost 2 years. She immediately told me she was not going to have my child because I had not paid to fix the transmission in her car (I did give her $700 to help). Again not wife, but girlfriend. I bought a house in November and we were supposed to move together with her son and my daughter. I asked her to reconsider and she told me she would keep the baby but I was not worth it. Its been almost a month of NC. I still miss her dearly, but she is cold hearted and every conversation I tried to have would become confrontation. I don’t know if I want her back, but I am also concerned as I heard from a mutual friend that she has put on some more weight, and shes a very petite lady, 4’11 109lbs. I am kind of hoping she decided to keep our baby, but I don’t know how much of her meanness i can put u p with and I see how her sons father’s side of the family gets treated by her. In addition shes smoking a smoking hot Russian immigrant, and she used to be my next door neighbor before we ever started dating. The question is first, I cannot make her change her ways…she has to do it. I am no gonna wait on her, but I keep wondering if its even worth it with her. She has been married 5 times in the last 20 years also, so it’s not just me who has a problem with her personality.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, in this situation, it’s really more of your choice on what’s important to you. If she cannot change her personality, and refuses to do so, you’ll have to be prepared to accept it ever there’s a second chance.

Ralph
Ralph

She swings harder that a ride at Disney World, this is not the first time shes broken up with me but I was always the one to try and make it work. But, to relegate a child that I made to a transmission in a car is just pathetic. It hurt me badly as she got a chemisal abortion and dumped me in the span of a week. I did more than probably any man she has ever dated. I am a PhD biologist so I helped her with all of her school work, computer science math and English too, and I personally fixed the AC and radiator in her car. I literally moved into the house that she helped me pick out in November, and I don’t see that she will change anytime soon, but I will keep the NC for 3-4 months and see where she is and if shes mean spirited still, I guess I have to completely let her throw herself to the lions. I have at times gone to the nearby gas station and guys talking about the “Russian lady” that came in with her bathing suit and a towel and obviously it was her, but she has some serious personality issues. I don’t know if you shouldn’t talk about the problems during NC, but I have a paper trail to show that I never once mistreated her and all of the problems she brought to me I lots a potential child in t his and I really feel bad for her son in particular because he’s only 10 and she cannot do algebra. I don’t even know if I want her back, but right now I do very much because for 2 years she was all I had as far as a lady. I never cheated or fooled around on her.

Ralph
Ralph

How long would you suggest no contact? I know there is not a secret recipe, but I just feel that 4 weeks can’t be sufficient as this behaviour keeps coming up. She has been married 5 times. I was to be the 6th. But I also know she can move forward but she won’t forget me for some time. Our sexual chemistry was tit for tat and I hold hope for her change. I just dont know if I should break NC or wait and see if she will.

Somvan
Somvan

Hi, I was dating my girlfriend for 5 years. I had some anger issues and she tried to give me a lot of chances. I failed every time and took her for granted. This September I was about to visit her as we were in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. She told me that she wanted to break up and move on as she couldn’t see me changing a bit. I tried to beg and convince her but she showed no emotions. We continued talking but after few days she started talking very rudely and even blocked me on Instagram.i tried to convince her to come back through text messages and kept on trying to talk to her. But she said that she doesn’t want to date me ever again even if I became the best man in the world. Though I didn’t want people or friends to talk to her about me but some did which I think made her more angry at me. I decide to shift to her city and Told her that. She removed my number from contact then I desperately decided to meet her and sent her flowers as secret Santa and decided to go and meet her near her place. But she panicked and she had a team party and there was some scene . She yelled at me and told me to go away and never come back in her life. She even deleted our pictures from her Insta account. Blocked me on every app possible and I haven’t contacted her till now. I sent her a happy new year text but she didn’t reply. I know I screwed up. But now I’m working on my anger issues. We had few physicals fights as well. What should I do? How should I approach this phase and problem in my life. I used to travel every month to her city to meet her. During the break up she would some times talk to me very nicely and sometime very rudely. What do you think I should do ? What should be my approach ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If your anger issues are on the more serious note, I suggest first seeking help before anything. Right now, without actually working on anger management (which definitely takes time), any relationship you go into whether with her or someone else would cause the same issues. She says that she doesn’t want to date you again even if you become the best man in the world, and that’s because she has confidence that you won’t be able to change. Prove her wrong, and win her over again when the opportunity comes. For now, since she’s blocked you off every media, there’s not much you can do but move on and just focus on yourself until the opportunity opens up again.

Troy
Troy

Hi, me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago, we were together for 1 and half years. We haven’t seen each other in a month and we have had NC for 3 weeks. Last time she talked to me she said that she misses me and wasn’t sure if she was making a mistake. Since then we have gave each other our space and haven’t had any contact. I have seen other sites recommend minimum 3 weeks. I was going to text her after 3 weeks NC and just see how she was using a reminder text, and slowly build the connection back and see how things go. Is 30 days really recommended?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The difference between 3 weeks and 30 days isn’t huge and typically, it’s meant as a guideline because everyone’s situation is different. Some people require more space than others based on how the breakup happened.

Ricky
Ricky

So my girlfriend and I broke up a month ago. I was so hurt and i kept begging her for two weeks. At first she would tell me it was because something inside her changed and she didn’t want a relationship right now and we could get back together in the future. But as i kept texting her and begging her for the next two weeks, i made it worse and she even told me she doesn’t want me as a friend and she would never date me again one day that i called her and upset her. Do you think she meant these words? Also, i was in no contact for about a week until yesterday when she texted how i was. I broke NC and we had a decent conversation kinda about catching up and i said something funny and she said lol. But now i think I’m more confused and hurting again because i don’t know if she was just contacting me because she feels bad or something. Please help me and ask me questions if you need more info

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Continue with NC as you had planned to, before deciding on how you want to proceed. She may have said those things out of anger and irritation back then because you probably came across as needy and desperate. Give her some space, and since she’s already texted you once, it goes to show that she still has some concern for you.

Maddie
Maddie

My ex and I were on and off for almost a year. Last time we broke it off was oct. But we kept in touch and have hooked up since then. I now live with my parents which is miles away from him. I am doing the no contact rule now. And it has been 12 days. But 3 days ago he liked my poem on ig and viewed my story 2 days in a row. Is there a chance I can still get him back? I was extremely clingy when we broke it off the last time. Is the no contact really going to work? If so how long should it be?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would work as long as your mindset is correct. The whole point of no contact is to work out whatever personal issues you felt caused the relationship to end as well as to pick yourself up from the hurt of the breakup. Our recommendation is around 30 days and if he does love you, when you end the NC period and talk to him, he should still have feelings towards you.

Gavin
Gavin

Hi there,

My ex broke with me after 2yrs, about 10 days ago. She picked up that I wasn’t 100% committed to settling down why her. Truth is I’d love to, but only really seeing that now! Anyway when she broke with me, I went pretty desperate begging her to come back. I am now on NC 5 days. Her birthday and Christmas are coming up. It’s going to be hard to keep the NC. Is it really my best option for getting back together? Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, it definitely will be the best option, especially if you had gotten desperate and begged for a second chance. You have to give her some space to let go of that negative impression you made in doing so. Even if her birthday and Christmas is coming, I suggest still continuing with NC until you’ve made some changes and picked yourself up.

Matt Hopkins
Matt Hopkins

I was recently broken up with a month ago, after 8 months or so of “chasing>dating>relationship”. Looking back- we possibly jumped into the relationship too fast, and eventually, i ended up being a doormat/chasing her vs. her chasing me. The team effort went away, and it was very lopsided. I was not challenging her- and she clearly got tired of “routine” After going through the devastation- I am well on my path to bouncing back and becoming my best version.

A few week after the break up, i wrote her a note just letting her know i respect and appreciate her, to avoid any bad blood. After returning from a wedding that we were planned to go to, and celebrating my birthday (without her), I had requested that she give me space, which I thought was implying not to contact me. That was breached a few times which I was thrown off by- whether contact is an issue of hers, or there is something deeper. After 2.5 weeks of no contact on my end, I reached out to let her know it was not acceptable to reach out to me, unless she was ready for a change.

Without reading your content- I left the discussion as “Im out of this and not interested in being your friend. Call me if that changes”

Has the door shut- or is this simply a “time will tell” type situation? I am committed to no contact and solely improving myself and my skills in women/relationships. It’s already been 8 days and I feel much better.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s good that you take no contact seriously. Ultimately, what you do should be dependent on what your goals are. If your goal is to one day get back together with her, you shouldn’t completely shut the door, but to keep her more in suspense and reminiscent of you. Since this has already happened, just complete your NC and recovery before deciding on a subsequent action.

Sophie
Sophie

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for two years. we already had a break for 8 months without contact. At that time he decided to not to talk to me and get some space. We got back together in November last year (when he got in touch with me) and only recently I found out he was cheating on me. I don’t understand why he did it, we didn’t get a chance to talk about it. I broke up with him via txt. He blocked me which is fine with me as currently I feel pain and don’t know if I will be able to trust him again. At the same time I have moments I want him back – it’s like hate and love at the moment however I can’t think of talking to him right now as it will be painful. Do you think this no contact rule can make him to contact me one day again? Im not sure myself if I want him to contact me but I do wonder if this works for those who cheated and if the relationship can be ever restored as by reading different articles cheating is serious and affect a relationship that it’s hard to recover from it. What are your thoughts/advise please?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi There,

it’s normal to feel conflicted over wanting him back and forgiving him in these situations. No contact isn’t entirely meant for him to contact you but for you to recover from the break up and the pain, so that you’re able to make a rational decision at the end of it after you’ve recovered with regards to whether you want him back or not. He may or may not contact you during this time, depending on how he feels and whether he’s still sleeping with other people.

MG
MG

hi my ex and i have been together for 9 years and she left me for a man and we broke up last oct 17.. but in between the break up we still talk. because she said that i am her bestfriend and i believe that she has broken up with the man that she left me for. up until now we still communicate though she blocks on her phone me every morning and talk to me at night. is it too late to try the 30 day no contact rule? i want her back and im worried that if i totally ignore her then i wont be able to win her back. we are in the same sex relationship. does the 30 day no contact rule apply to same sex relationships? or should i just move on.. pls advise

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, NC applies regardless of same sex or different. It’s strange that she only contacts you at night but blocks you in the mornings. You might want to find out why, probably after NC, and if it’s the reason that she has something to hide, you might want to consider walking away from this.

Alec
Alec

My name is Alec. Me and my girlfriend broke up after 1.5 years. I lied and she said she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I know I messed up and I told her that. She asked for space and I’m on day 3 of no contact. I’m worried that she won’t contact me at all during the 30 days. And it’s so hard cause everything bad that could happen is going through my head. She still loves me and cares. I’m also deployed and won’t be back for 4 more months. Any advise

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Don’t let your instincts get the better of you. It honestly shouldn’t matter whether she contacts you or not during this period, since the goal of it is to give each other space, and for both parties to let go of any negative emotions or hurt they may have. At least after the NC period, you’re able to approach her again with new found confidence and a changed perspective and she may have forgiven you by then for lying.

Michael Marshall
Michael Marshall

Hi i had been with my ex for 11 years and have been broken up for 7 weeks is it too late to start my no contact even if she has blocked me on fb and everything else and tells me she hates me even though i know she doesn’t is it to late ??

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If NC is able to pick your emotions back up again, then no it’s not too late. Right now she may say she hates you (whether she does or not is a different story), but that may subside with time, which is the goal of NC – to let time pass, give both parties space to recover and grow, before figuring out if you still want it to work or not.

ronin
ronin

Hello
My original message didn’t show up.

P.S. Day 7 of no contact. She called me but I didn’t answer. Please advise!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey there,

Complete NC to your best ability and use that time to focus on yourself. If the reason she called was anything other than an important issue which required your involvement, I suggest not answering and if you need to, be honest and just tell her you need some space to work on yourself.

Ethan T.
Ethan T.

My girlfriend of 4 years and I just broke up 2 days ago and i want to be committed to the no contact rule but her birthday is next week. Is it a bad idea to just send her a text saying “happy birthday”? Would that break the no contact rule?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you really want to, you can drop her a text to wish her but it’s best not to engage in small talk beyond that.

Ethan T.
Ethan T.

Thank you very much.

Taylor
Taylor

Hi,
So a brief background on my ex and I. We were together for almost 3 years then he broke up with me because he started questioning whether he wanted this anymore, he was very conflicted and I think he is worried because he had never been with anyone else and he feels like he is missing out on the college experience by having a serious gf. He kept saying he still loves and cares for me and he never wants me out of his life and he wants to be friends, etc. after we first broke up we continued talking and we met up a few times and talked and he said multiple times “I think one day I might want to get back together just not yet”. We hooked up and stayed friends for a while, then I asked for another chance and we have it a week of dating and it went perfectly in my eyes and everything was back to being the same but at the end of the week he broke up with me again and said “I just don’t want a relationship” and he told me there was nothing I could say or do to change that. I love him so much and I want to get back together and I am worried I messed up by not doing the no contact rule to begin with. Since we broke up 3 days ago I haven’t spoken to him except once when we ran into one another on campus and we spoke for about an hour just catching up. Is it too late for me to have a chance at getting back together? Could the no contact rule still possibly work on showing him that he misses me and we have something special?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, I think right now he’s at the stage where he wants to have fun and explore. It may not be something that’s within your control, so it might be better to apply NC with the intention of focusing on yourself and recovering from any hurt you feel. Him missing you should only come as a bonus. It really depends on his level of emotional maturity, and if a guy isn’t ready to settle down, even if you guys get back together, he will still bring up the same reason to break up down the road.

Tim
Tim

My girlfriend and I had been together for going on 8 years. The past two and a half years we have been on and off since her mother passed away and things got really difficult. Her father then passed away last year and she has been even more of a wreck. I try my best to be there for her but every few months she breaks up with me and tells me that she is scared to let anyone get close anymore because everyone just ends up leaving her anyway. We got back together and she promised me it was forever this time and said she couldn’t wait to get married so I bought an engagement ring and was going to propose to her next month. She broke up with me three weeks ago again and both of us have been fairly mean to each other and she tells me that it is over. I have heard these things from her before but she has always ended up coming back to me. I truly love this girl and really want to spend my life with her, but how many times can I allow her to break up and come back together before I say enough is enough? Each and every time, I am the one who ends up hurt and she goes out and parties like everyday. I understand she has went through a traumatic experience but is it fair for her to continuously push me out of her life and then pull me back in at her convenience? Do you think the no contact rule will help her to realize that one of these days I am not going to come back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Tim,

What I can advise you from my experience is that yes, she’s had it tough and has every reason to be scared to let anyone get close. At the same time however, it’s also a convenient excuse to use to walk away from anything that becomes too difficult for her to face. If you really love her and want to spend your life with her, it’s something that you will have to learn to accept (especially if she does not see it as a problem), if not, like you say, it’s not fair to you as well to continuously get hurt and pushed away. No contact may help if you guys have a strong relationship and she’s dependent on you but if not, as someone who has an escapism mentality, she may end up walking away too.

Suchitra
Suchitra

Hi kevin
Me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago and i am in no contact rule for 2 weeks.The reason for break up was he had no time for me and he started ignoring me like no calls no messages he started to tell so many lies to ignore me .so we had a fight and had a break up.but he is trying to contact me every day and sending messages..the message pattern was like..hi how r u?hws ur day? Where r u now? Like that..should i respond or continue no contact rule?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you’re going through NC at the moment, I suggest avoiding small talk until the end of the period. Try not to give in to your emotions and to reply to small talk as it may cause whatever emotions you’ve been working on to recover to go back to when you guys broke up.

Wendy
Wendy

Me and my boyfriend has been together for one year. But among 12 months, he is in Us for 9 months.So we had only 3 months together. we were absolutely okay. He loves me a lot. But he started to change after our one year anniversary. We two hav lots of conflict and fight a lot. Last week we fought cus he was having fun at party till 12 once a week. So I told him come back early then we fought. After fighting for a few days’ we broke up. But I begged him. So we were in contact. But today he told me tht he loves another girl who is in same collage and lives in same state. He said he want to try tht girl. Even though they are not dating yet, they seems okay for last few week. He also said he want someone beside him and wants someone during X’mas.
So if I use No contact rule, will things get worse?
Will he move on?
Help me

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey there,

I have to be honest, a long distance relationship is hard for many people to do successfully since many individuals require human contact. Many people end it eventually because they are unable to cope with having a partner that they only see once every 3-4 months. If he does like another person, and you’re in another state/country and can’t do anything about it, my answer to you is to suggest moving on, and protect yourself from getting hurt.

Ria
Ria

I dated my boyfriend for three months and then remained in a long-distance relationship for another three months. He was the one to talk about getting married in future, etc. Promised that he’d wait for me to return (I am supposed to return in another six months). We’d planned to meet for Christmas, but he suddenly started pulling back, pointing out differences between us and talking less and less. I didn’t nag him at all but asked what’s going on. He said it’s useless to continue because we have differences and he said that he can’t swallow a big fish like me (implying accepting differences). I said okay, I respect his decision and went to no contact. He messaged asking if i would never talk to him again, and I said I don’t wish to contact him again. He dismissed my comment as “nonsense” and the next day said he misses me. I haven’t replied at all. In fact, not sure if I want him back because part of me doesn’t trust this person anymore. Even if he comes back, he might decide to leave again at some point as he’s not afraid of losing me. The problem now is that I am unable to focus on anything and the feelings of rejection are making my self-esteem very, very low. I have been doing everything I can to make myself happy, but it doesn’t work. I have always been the dumpee in relationships, so I am really struggling to stay happy and emotionally healthy. I don’t know what to do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi There,

As you have always been the one who ends the relationship, it would take getting used to being on the opposite end. I suggest continuing with no contact and just take some time to focus on yourself. This includes going out with your friends, focusing on work/school, spending more time in the gym or exercising in general, and basically just keep yourself busy so you don’t have time or energy to think about the rejection or him. This would eventually allow you to naturally overthink less.

Hema
Hema

Heyyy there I,m Hema. I had been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years but we were in long distance relationships. Due to severe financial crisis, my boyfriend asked space from me. He said he wants the space so that he could concentrate in becoming successful and in fact he said that I could also concentrate in my studies more he said. He did called me twice in this period of space which begin 2 weeks ago. I didn’t make any call but nagged him by texting. He said he will stand for me once he settled in his life with wealth. So, what should I do now? It is very hurtful knowing that I can’t talk or even visit him anymore. Tears were running out of my eyes like rain.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey there,

Perhaps you could talk to him to come to a common consensus? I don’t think you guys need to break up just to focus on your own paths since a strong relationship would have to go through obstacles and difficulties together. However, it’s also important to understand that the real world may not work the same way. If he does not want to find a compromise on this and insists on having space to focus on his goals, you would have to respect his wishes.

Hema
Hema

Thank you for the kind advice. So, should I follow no contact rule perhaps he could change his mind? Or I just wait for him till he becomes successful and fulfilled all his desired goals as he wished earlier. For now, we completely not talking or messaging to each other. He didn’t block me from any social websites too. I also stopped posting status related to him. I do miss him a lot and afraid of losing him 🙁

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest to have one last talk with him to understand why he just can’t be with you right now and if it’s something that can be worked on. As I said in the previous message, obstacles like these are meant to be overcome as a couple. If he does not respond positively, your only choice would be to walk away from this relationship for now or you would end up hurting yourself even further. I’m not saying completely forget him but rather, just focus on yourself and work on making yourself happy and proving to yourself that you’re a strong and independent person who does not need to rely on another to feel emotionally secure.

kashal Hasan
kashal Hasan

Hi Kevin. Last week we broke up. He left me cos i’m jealous. I tried to follow no contact rule, but today he called me to say hello. I dont know if I broke the rule or not. I just picked his call I said i’m fine. please help me I need your help as this rule helped me before to get back my previous bf.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You didn’t break the no contact rule since you merely answered to tell him you were doing fine. If you really want to be together with him, my suggestion is that if he wants you back, you could always allow him back into your life (if you’re ready for it) but it’s important to work on your jealousy issues and not be so insecure about the relationship.

Javid
Javid

I just spent about 2 hours to read multiple articles you’ve written about getting my ex girlfriend back. I can briefly tell you what happened:
I lost sight about how good the relationship was going, because I found myself playing video games too much and stop caring about her for whatever reason. Her and I have this ongoing thing since 2013 where we have feelings for each other but it never really worked out. In 2016 all circumstances met and we got to be a couple for 1,5 years. We loved each other a lot up until the end. But for some reason I decided to break up, because I didn’t attempt to fix the relationship or listen to her the last 2-3 months. I really regret my decision of breaking up and am since seeking advice on how to win her back. I have panicked about 3 weeks after breaking up, as soon as I found out that she is with the guy she called “best friend”. Her and I agreed to initially pause the relationship up until New Year’s and then talk and see if we try it again. She loved me to the moon and back and I threw it away and now want it back. Due to my panicking I obviously talked to her, texted her and did all the mistakes you can do for a little less than a week. I’ve just started the no contact rule. But we also agreed on talking after New Year’s. Now my questions:
– Do all articles apply on when the guy broke up first?
– Does the no contact rule apply even though we pretty much agreed on not talking?

I feel very lost and all I want is another chance to make things right with her. Can you give me some personal advice?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi Javid,

Our articles are general in the sense that it does not matter if you broke up first or she did as it isn’t gender specific. Not all scenarios and tips will be relevant to you and this would be something you have to decide for yourself on which points to adopt for your situation. Also, what you and your ex decided to do (not talking until New Years) is pretty much how our no contact rule works, just that individuals normally would not reach that decision on their own accord. Spend this NC period figuring out on ways you can improve on yourself if you were to chase her again, as you don’t want the same outcome happening. However, do take note as well that you shouldn’t obsess over her as this period is meant for you to recover from a break up and create a better version of yourself for whoever you choose to date in the future.

Javid
Javid

We met and talked through some of the things, cause mainly she thought my entire friends and family would not want to see her ever again. The reason for her thinking this way, was that she jumped into another “relationship” a week after breaking up. Of course this crushed me and I wanted to have some clarity. She did not talk to me about her new guy but i told her, that my door and the door to my family is open and i will wait, but i won’t be your safety net. You would have to decide one day. There is one more thing: She is being extremely rebellious at the moment. She drinks every weekend and smokes and is out every single night even though she has a full time job. I told her, that she won’t be able to live on like that forever and that it will damage her. Her answer was: Maybe i need that damage to understand.
And I kept my offer: I am here for you, my door is open – but don’t make a decision that you’re going to regret.
Now we are back into NC. I honestly am prepared for her to never come back, but there is a little hope left inside of me. But mainly I am trying to move on, even though it hurts so, so bad.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It will honestly be better for you to leave that hope behind because it will damage equally to how drinking and smoking will damage her. Right now since she has a new relationship, it should be the time you start focusing on moving on and and not linger or she would think that you’re going to be her safety net like you’ve said.

Anita
Anita

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. We never stop contact and I slept with him once after the breakup but then I found out that he took another girl for dinner just 3 days after that. So I got really hurt and mad and I told him that I knew it . Just to hurt him I told him I didn’t felt the same anymore and that I was seeing someone else so for him to leave me alone and I block him from all the social media but now I feel bad that I lied just to hurt him

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Anita,

How do you feel about him right now? Also, how does he feel about you? There’s many different paths you can choose to take right now depending on your goal but if you want to get back together with him, I suggest being honest about your feelings.

Susan Randy
Susan Randy

Hi, I am in classes with my ex, and have to see him everyday, how do I do this and also incorporate the no contact rule?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Susan,

You can refer to this article for more information on how to face your ex if you have to see him on a daily basis.

O
O

Hey I have 6 days left to my 30 day and my ex text me with about a meme that made her think of me. I responded short and 24 hrs later. Did i break the no contact?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey there,

Technically, yes but don’t worry since NC serves as a guideline to follow to every individual’s best ability and it’s rules aren’t set in stone. Since you replied short and 24 hours later only, I think you’re doing okay.

Kaci
Kaci

Hello Kevin, I could use some help here I would greatly appreciate it.
For some background information:

Me and my ex met about a year and a couple months ago on a mutual game we played. We talked and got closer more and more as the days went on. He chased me first/admitted his feelings to me first in the beginning. As time went on he became a bit more detached because he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and didn’t want to waste my time, has a lot of baggage etc. And often his own personal issues made the “relationship” (even though it wasn’t official at that time) difficult and stressful for me. For both of us. Well, fast forward, he recently *a few months ago* decided he wanted to be exclusive with me. I agreed, of course. However, we recently broke up because of his trust issues. It was a very surprising way that we broke up, to me, because we unfortunately did fight often about some littler things, but that wasn’t even what broke us up in the end. What broke us up was me looking at a video a close female friend showed me of her and her boyfriend cuddling naked/maybe having sex (but you couldn’t see anything at all). I told him how I thought it was cute/sexy and how I want to do it with him but he took it as disrespectful to him I looked at the video at all. I was hurt and dumbfounded. We had our last conversation that day on Halloween, and it was all over the place– we went from both saying, “you’re right this won’t work but we tried and we wish the best for each other” to being nonchalant to him saying “I tried to work on my baggage/issues because I love you” to him saying “I hate myself and still want you around” to him finally saying” No, that’s not fair of me to say, goodbye.” I’ve been feeling up and down since then. We both play the same online game but I unfriended him on it and all other social medias. I did, stupidly, however ask a mutual friend on that game if he is doing okay. The friend responded that “to my knowledge, yeah.” That friend most likely told him I asked. Would this be breaking the no contact rule? Do you think there would be a chance we could look back at this months later with a clearer mind and (maybe) get together again, or at least friends? What do you think I need to do? What do you think is on his mind? Thank you for reading.

-Kaci

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Kaci,

To answer your question, no you did not explicitly break the no contact rule and I think there’s probably a chance some time in the future when both parties are in a clearer state of mind that you might get back together or become friends again. However, this would also depend on where he stands on his issues at that time, and how you convince him to trust you to take the first step back into the relationship.

Kaci
Kaci

Wow, thank you so much for your prompt reply I really appreciate it!
At this point, I feel like the most I can hope for is to become friends again. I don’t want to delude myself. But how would you recommend I convince him to trust me *if* I was aiming for a relationship again in the future? (This is assuming he has his issues sorted out, which I assume would take much longer than a couple of months as deep seated trust issues from being cheated on several times and being lied to by previous exes has affected him a lot..so he is afraid of opening up. Infact, he once told me he sees sex less intimate as opposed to having feelings..) And how long do you suggest I should wait before contacting him again in the future (and taking things very slow)? I was thinking next month at the earliest, and sometime earlier next year (January or February) at the latest. Would it be too late by then? I know it depends on the person and it also depends on how I have managed my emotions and feelings then of course. Along with how/if he has as well. Thanks again!

-Kaci

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Kaci,

I suggest you take things one step at a time. Situations will change all the time and based on your previous comment, it seems like you have a lot going through your mind right now. Firstly, go back to NC and during this time, just focus on yourself and clear your mind. As much as you want him back, your thoughts shouldn’t be obsessed with plans to get back with him or you’ll never move from the current spot.

To answer your questions, there may be a chance to get back together in the future as I mentioned, but also to be fair to yourself, you shouldn’t expect it. If you really want to be with him again in the future, you’ll probably have to convince him to trust you again by starting off as friends and and showing with your actions that you’re different from his exes. Around mid to late December would be a good time. However, it’s also important to note that his baggage is not your baggage to carry. You can assist him in helping to recover but it should never be the case where you’re carrying it instead.

Kaci
Kaci

Wow, Ryan thank you so much again. Your replies are very helpful. I will definitely keep what you said in mind and implement the tips you have given me. I will use no contact to focus on bettering myself, but not expect to get back together with him because as you said, it’s not fair to myself. And you’re right about it not being my responsibility to carry the baggage for him. He has to deal with that himself. I do want to show him I’m different from his previous exes and convince him to trust me again if I do decide to attempt to get back with him.

My last question for now will be, how would I show him I’m different from his exes through my actions if we have always been long distance from the start? Before, I would try my best to be understanding with any emotional issues he wants to talk about with me, try to understand his point of view in regards to that, and be patient for whenever he was ready to take things further..I always felt it would be better to get my point across and show how I care through my actions if we were in person but we’re not. Anyways, thank you again and I will continue no contact (and your helpful e-course).

-Kaci

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi Kaci,

I feel you’re on the right track! Well, I can’t answer that specifically for you on how you can be different from his exes because I don’t know what they were like and I don’t know how you are like either in a relationship so I can’t tell you what you should do differently. However I can say that I’m sure he has complained to you in the past about his exes and how bad things got, etc. This is the information you should use to your advantage and definitely do things in an opposite manner from them (as long as it’s within reason).

Kaci
Kaci

Hello Ryan,

Thank you, that helps me. Now I am thinking back to the times he has complained to me about his past exes. I remember he said they fought a lot (we unfortunately also started fighting a lot over things that could have been talked about in calmer manners), how they cheated and lied to him (I have done neither of those things) and such. While in the relationship/while talking I attempted to work on my conflict solving skills to avoid arguments but it didn’t always work. The sheer amount of fighting and his baggage were the main reasons for the end of the relationship now that I see it more clearly. Anyways, I will keep these things in mind, and my emotions are currently everywhere right now, hopefully I will be in a healthier mindset in about a month from now that if I do contact him and he doesn’t want to be friends (or relationship) I will then know 150% I did all I could and that I would be better off and will find someone who will suit my needs more down the road. 🙂

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

All the best Kaci! I do hope it works out for you 🙂

Kaci
Kaci

Thank you :)! I appreciate all your help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

All the best Kaci!

Andre
Andre

Hi Kevin, the emails you send are very helpful. However, there is one question that I have that isn’t answered and it is do I unfollowe her from all social media because sometimes I might see a picture of her or a ”instagram story” and shes all happy and I start to overthink. We broke up because I was too needy and I haven’t contacted her in 11 days and it doesn’t seem like she is going to contact me any time soon. I have accepted it and I do not want to contact her until she contacts me. Or is this a bad idea? I am trying my best to move on with my life and improve myself, for me and not for her. But all I see through social media is that she is very happy and has no regrets. What should I do?
So to sum up, do I unfollow her on all social media platforms? Do I wait for her to contact me or should I contact her after the month has passed by? And how do I know she will miss me since she seems happy?
Sorry but that was not one question but if you could answer these questions I would really appreciate it, as well as the emails you send. They are extremely helpful too.
Thank you.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Andre,

The first step in any recovery plan is to accept the break up in which I feel that you have by saying that you want to move on in life and improve yourself, for your own sake and not hers. If you’re affected by seeing her posts on social media, it would be best for the time being to unfollow her or hide post notifications from her profile. You should do anything that would help you recover faster and not hinder the process, even if it means blocking her (if she really affects you). Also, you could wait for her to contact you at the end of the NC period, however if she doesn’t and you feel you’re ready to approach her again, then you could be the one to do so. Approach her casually and start off as friends again first – basically if you want her back, you’re going to have to chase her as if it’s the first time you were going after her.

Andre Nicolaou
Andre Nicolaou

Hi Ryan, thanks a lot. I’ll take it all into consideration.

Vicke
Vicke

Me (m21) and my ex (f20) broke up after 4 years. Since January this year we had been in a LDR. She came home during summer and we spent every single day with eachother. However 1 month ago she called me crying that a LDR was taking it’s toll on her, she missed me to much. I reassured her that it would work since last year she spent the summer in Australia and we made that work. I told her that I would start searching for work immediately but it would take some time to find work. She said ok we will make it work. However she brought it up every single weekend when we met, she lives 4h away and she studies and we tried to meet 2 weekends every month, and over the phone. That it wouldn’t work etc. Last thursday she brought it up again after I got a job interview in her town that was pretty much a guaranteed job. She told me again that it wouldn’t work,that the next semester is something they call “the wall” whereas a lot of people drop out and she wouldn’t be able to make it work between us and school. She wants to remain as friends and get back together again for summer but she understands if that’s not possible. I’m feelimg fine. Ofc I’m sad and all that but I understand how she’s feeling. However I’m pretty disappointed in her cause she kinda “led me on” and that she broke up with me over the phone. What is your take on all this? I have started the no-contact and I will remain in no-contact for atleast a month but what else is there to do? Is there any chance for us to get back together?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since she feels that next semester would be a ‘wall’ for her, let her focus on her university. You don’t want to come back into her life only for her to fault you for her not doing well in school. Long distance relationships can be hard and it takes a lot communication and understanding to make it work. At the same time, because she isn’t able to see you or feel assured physically by you, it leaves her a lot of room to overthink things, that’s why she is so convinced that ‘it would not work’. I suggest continuing with NC like you brought up and wait for her to contact you again. As for meeting up over the summer, that is entirely up to you based on how you feel about it.

Devin
Devin

Hi Kevin!

Your e-mails sure have been quite helpful. My current situation with my ex is the late stage of the no-contact period. However, I have to be honest, it hasn’t been completely no contact since we’re in high school together, BUT I did compromise as good as I could and never contacted him FIRST,but kept a nice and short conversation when he contacted me. We broke up about a month ago but the no contact period has been ongoing for about 2,5 weeks. Our breakup was mutual, it was supposed to JUST be a break but we agreed a breakup would be better because of lack of communication leading to unecessary arguments making us lose the spark a little bit. I was the one who said we should break up because I did feel like I was sometimes taken for granted by my ex, however i still love him and want to be with him, the breakup was just because I hoped he would get a heads up that I’m emotionally tired. But then it felt like he had been feeling that way too and the first three weeks post breakup he shut me out completely and absolutely didn’t want to try again. He said that he loved me but needed his space and time, which I am now giving him (but I AM NOT WAITING FOR HIM).

HOWEVER, now after these 2,5 weeks I have seen him contacting me more often, trying to have conversations about nothing and occasionally writing “you’re the best” which feels odd, even though the breakup was on amicable ground. His best friend who is mutual to us both even told me that my ex had said that he misses me and wants me back but still has a bit of mixed feelings towards our relationship because of all the petty fights which added up over the last 1.5 years.
So, with the brief background given – what should I do now Kevin? I have defenitely changed a lot since our breakup – FOR MYSELF – and managed to control my anger and explosive temper which a lot of times initiated our fights out of nothing. So how can I make him get rid of that doubt he has towards me? I know we both love each other but I feel like his ego may be a bit damaged.
Please answer Kevin, your site has helped me a lot and this is crucial for me to know.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi Devin,

I think it’s great that you’re following our advice closely and spending this time to focus on yourself and sorting out the issues you have. If you really want to be with him, then it’s probably for the better if you actually show him the change at the end of the no contact period when you guys start talking (casually at first of course) again. I always think the best way to convince a person is through actions and not words. Since he still misses you and loves you and the main obstacle right now are his doubts, clear them and he will probably want to be together with you again.

Devin
Devin

How can I personally help him be less doubtful towards our relationship then?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This is one of the biggest areas where people can change, think about whatever caused fights in the passed that you personally felt you may have caused and ask yourself, ‘was my reaction reasonable?’. Many people end up saying ‘but I can’t control my emotions’ – this isn’t an excuse for it. We all can control our emotions, it’s just a matter of how hard we try. Other examples may include communication, honesty, and showing your partner that you’ve changed as a person and whatever negative issues he felt about you in the past are gone.

VICKY
VICKY

Hey kevin.. I was in a relationship with her for 3 years.. we had a great time together.. we had problems sometimes.. we used to fight on small issues.. near about 2 months ago i dont know why we had a fight and she stoped talking to me.. i acter very desperate and needy and even tried to commit sucide.. she broke up with me and she blocked me from everywhere and even my number.. and now i have started no contact and it had been 15 days.. but she had not unblocked me.. what shoud i do..?? Please help me out kevin

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi Vicky,

At this point, continue with the no contact period but until she decides to unblock you, there isn’t much you can do. Anything you try may come across as desperate to her. Stay strong and focus on yourself during this period.

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