If you’ve been searching about information on breakups on the internet, then you’ve certainly come across the term no contact rule. It’s simple, you don’t contact your ex for a certain amount of time. However, it’s not an easy thing to do.

In fact, No Contact may be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do, especially if you and your ex were together for a long time. Why must you put yourself through it when you already know it’s going to be extremely hard? Is it really worth it? How and why does it work? In this article, we will talk about all these questions and help you figure out if doing no contact is the right choice for you.

What is The No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule simply means not contacting your ex. Let’s just assume your ex is a drug that you are addicted to and the only way you can stop addiction of this drug is go cold turkey. That’s exactly what you are doing here.

no contact to get your ex back

Contacting your ex in any way is going to mess up your chances of getting back together.

You are going cold turkey on your ex. Because in many cases people are addicted to their ex and they do need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

  • No Text Messages
  • No phone calls
  • No going over to their house
  • No accidentally bumping into them
  • No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
  • No contacting them via your mutual friends
  • No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

Why Do No Contact?

don't call ex and feel betterAs I mentioned before, it’s like breaking an addiction to your ex. You have to learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it. But you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get back with them. It’s because unless you learn to live without them you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back or get your ex girlfriend back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

To get more info about why you should do no contact, read this article.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on it’s own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are three categories of things that are mandatory during the no contact rule.

Physical Activity

working outThe no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

  • Yoga
  • Gym
  • Any type of Sports that you enjoy
  • Crossfit
  • Jogging

Social Activities

shopping with friendsEven though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period.  You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run.
3.

Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

  • Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
  • Meditation
  • Spa
  • Massage
  • A Relaxing Bath

What To Avoid During The No Contact Period?

You also have to be careful during the no contact period of certain things you need to avoid. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact without making any progress in your life.

Obsessing Over Your Ex

Obsessing Over Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching every movement of your ex.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour through out the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is go cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s facebook everyday, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex everyday. In this case, it’s facebook. Delete your ex from your facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

FAQs about the No Contact Rule

In this section, we will explore some of the most frequently asked question about the No Contact Rule.

How Long For No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 30 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

What If You Break The No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, then it is highly recommended you start all over again. It’s just like breaking an addiction, if somewhere along the way you slip and start using drugs, then it’s better to stop it again and go cold turkey all over again.

Since the drug over here is your ex, and you are only suppose to go cold turkey for a month, that’s why you have to start the no contact rule from day 1 if you break it for whatever reason. The goal here is to prove to yourself that you can go without your ex for at least 30 days.

What if your ex contacts you? Does it count as breaking the no contact rule?

If your ex contacts you, it doesn’t count as breaking the no contact rule. However, if you respond to them, it is considered breaking the no contact rule. You are not to pick up their calls, text your ex or return their calls.

Of course, in case of emergencies, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.

What if you have a child together?

If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

  1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
  2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
  3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
  4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

What if you live together?

If you two live together, then I am sorry to tell you but your chances of getting back together are very less until you move out. Your ex is not going to miss you if they see you everyday. So, the best course of action will be to pack everything up and leave as soon as possible. However, in certain situations it is very hard to leave. In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.

  1. Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
  2. Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
  3. Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.

The Essence Of No Contact Rule

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the end, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up” or “What if  my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend moves on to someone else.” That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before no contact is over, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

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1048 comments ...add one

  • Pete

    My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago after an 8 years relationship, claiming she doesn't love me anymore and that she felt unnapreciated, and she felt this deep attraction by a co-worker. We lived togheter for a little over 1 year and I brought my dog, whitch she loves deeply and takes really good care of. I started no contact and moved out the apartment, leaving it available to her until she decides to leave, but she also is not sleeping there and is staying with a friend. Since then she tried to call me and texted me asking if we could talk. I never replied, but then she texted me asking me if it was necessary for her to go to the apartment to take care of the dog, since she knows I'm out for most of the day and usually she would be there for that period. I struggled to reply worrying it would break NC, but then I compared the dog to the child situation and simply replied "no" and she thanked me. Im freaking out because I'm thinking this will be the opportunity for her to meet the guy (I'm preety sure they haven't met outside work yet). I know she will contact me again for this issue and then again to talk about leaving the house permanently (everything of her's is still there) and I'm not sure how to deal with this and if it will considered breaking NC.
    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC is only meant as a general guideline for people to follow, and based on your given circumstances, should always adjust it accordingly. Don't be too afraid of breaking the rules of NC, especially when it's for a purpose beyond the relationship, such as the dog that you've both come to love and take care of.

      Reply
  • Insacurewoman

    Me and my ex were together for 7 months. We moved pretty fast, emotionally and physically. We fell in love in 2 months of being together. We did everything together, told each other everything. There has been times when both of our exs got back in touch with us, messaged us both to try and split us up and that was in the beginning. We became stronger than ever. I had to leave work due to being poorly and I was feeling pressured to go to college, he never did or said anything horrible. He would stay round mine every Saturday but this one Saturday he couldn't as he was busy. We had a car crash 2 weeks before the breakup so he had to bet ride of his beloved car, he was very upset. And I messaged him saying if he didn't want to see me that day all he had to do was say. But he said I was being horrible, I was feeling insacure. I told him I was sorry and that I was feeling upset, he told me he had to have time to think, I asked him if he was going to break up with me. I admit I wouldn't stop messaging him or calling him. He the love of my life. But he came over that day. We talked. I tried everything. He told me he loves me and that I make him happy. But he said that he will have to think about it. But my mum did say he already knew and he sayid he was sorry and left. I messaged him less than a week since we broke up and I messaged him again a couple of days after. Tried to add him on Facebook again. I've stopped even trying to contact him, I want him to miss me and come back. What do I do? Will he just miss me and come back? He left because our future is different he said. He wants me to work and maybe afford a house in 3 years. But who knows w hat will happen in 3 years time. Please I need advice I'm going crazy. We been apart for 3 weeks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The best thing you can do right now, is to actually stop contacting him any further for the time being, and to genuinely spend time working on yourself. We all have to grow up some day, and some people are only willing to progress with a partner who has the same frequency and is working towards the same goals as them.

      Reply
  • Addison Parker

    Hi there! Firstly, I bought your EXBoyfriend Recovery book 2 years ago when I was going through a breakup. It helped so much! However, it was a PDF version and I have lost it! 😩 Eventually, he did come back, but after finding out that he cheated- I didn’t want him. Lol
    Fast forward 2 years later to now. My boyfriend of 6 months, whom I loved with all of my heart, broke up with me about 1 month ago. We had met about 15 years ago and then a mutual friend fixed us up in July of this year. We were quick to talk about all things serious. He got my finger sized in september and had asked me to move in two weeks prior to breaking up with me. When he ended it, it was a very small argument that led to him saying he wasn’t ready to be married and ready for the seriousness of what our relationship had become. I was floored! I ugly cried and begged and pleaded and did all of the things you’re not supposed to do. My world had stopped. Due to needing to make arrangements to get my things out of his house (he had two weeks prior asked me and my daughter to move in), we talked for a couple of weeks after the breakup. Once I got all of our items out of his house, I have not attempted to contacted him since and he hasn’t reached out to me. This was 17 days ago. He had continued being my friend on Facebook but on SuperBowl sunday, he deleted all of our pics as he was around his friends (he posted a pic which is how I knew he was around his friends). To me, this meant that he was making an effort to move on. Though I had already “unfollowed” him, I couldn’t help myself when I saw this so I unfriended him. I didn’t want to watch him as he moved on with his life and removed traces of me and my daughter. It was incredibly painful as I’m sure you can understand. Given the fact that he hasn’t contacted me and he removed our pics, I feel like he is wanting to move on. I’m afraid I’m losing him forever the longer we go without talking and he’s making these changes to his profile for everyone to see. HELP! Should I contact him or has he moved on?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He may be trying to move on, but that doesn't mean that he already has. Many people get cold feet when things start to become too serious (aka marriage), before suddenly turning the opposite direction to make a dash for it because of the million and one fears that enter their mind. If you really want him back, I would suggest you try to contact him to see if things can be sorted out and whether his fears are rationally thought through. If it turns out to be more than just some irrational fear, and he has genuine issues that led to the break up (that can't be resolved), then you might want to re-evaluate the situation again and decide if you still want to try and give another shot.

      Reply
  • Marie

    Hey, i think i made a big mistake ( or two!). here is my situation: my ex broke up with me two weeks ago. He said that he had thought about it through and was feeling like we didn't have a future together and wanted to be over. At first he said that he still loved me, but the second time he broke up he said, he didn't love me anymore. We talked for a long time about it, I tried to convince him to give me more time, I begged but he was sure. We spent one last day together, ( very nice and loving but sad of course) and as I was living with him in his country and when he broke up, I went back to mine. We talked via text for a day. then I had been implementing nc for eight days when he sent me a message to know how I was and say thanks for me telling our friends to take care of him. I waited a couple of days to answer, to be sure. He hadn't say anything about me ignoring him and he even said to a friend I was hanging out with to tell me hi ( like I hope she is OK and I don't give a damn she is not answering). I then answered because I had seen on another site that when you are a long distance from your ex no contact is not the best, and I am really not sure it would work on him because he really wanted the break up and he has lots to do with his days and he is not the type to obsess over me not replying, and to try to show him I had moved on and was doing good, having friends and everything ( what he had reproached me). The talk was chitchatty, nothing more.
    Also I had been writing my feelings about the break up down, because at first I thought that if I could rationally show him that his feeling of no future was just temporary, and that it would get better ( when I could find new friends and a job in his town) that I would make him realise that he had made a mistake. I sent him this email but I didn't want to beg again so I presented more in a "I want to move on, and have my questions answered, and I'm improving myself" kind of way.

    Do you think those two things killed my chances of getting him back? Did I give him one last dose by answering to his message and stopped his addiction to me, by revealing he had the power? Was trying to rationalise the break up and talking about it again the worst? (I did feel like I needed to do it to stop obsessing over it, but it made him think about the bad things again, made him think again that it was the right choice, instead of letting him miss me)

    He answered to the mail and basically he told me he didn't have the same feelings for me anymore as at the beginning. He looked pretty sure about the break up. Is there any chance left?
    There are still some stuff I want to tell him, that maybe he was wrong on, and that they could have changed with time and effort. Should I reply, to let him think a bit on them? Or should i just go in no contact, with the risk of him thinking I agree,and he made the right decision, or worst that I am so heartbroken (which i am) that i can't reply?
    If I do go in NC, do I tell him?

    Please help me, I am drowning in my own mind!
    Do you guys do personal coaching?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It really depends on how the relationship was developed upon back when you guys were together. Your chances are definitely not 0, but from the way things sound, he may have lost his feelings of intimacy and passion towards you, but not in the way that he no longer cares about you. You did well by not presenting yourself in a desperate sort of way, and that may be why he hasn't distanced himself from you. However, since he's still caught up about the negative aspects of the relationship, I would suggest going forward with NC, and if you'd like you could let him know that you're planning to take time off to work on yourself and you hope he could still remain friends with you. There are specific steps which Kevin could guide you on, as part of our personal coaching program. You could contact us directly via our contact page for further information on our coaching program.

      Reply
  • Chris

    Hi my girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me new years eve. She claimed we were to different. She likes to do things like drink and go to concerts, bars, big social events. None of that stuff is really for me and i bailed a lot of the times so i guess i could have done a better job at compromising. We both could have done better in our relationship but all she ever said is that she questions our compatibility. Before she broke up with me she told me she loves me and hopes to be friends. I let a month go by of NC and sent her a closure text admiting my flaws so i can improve on myself and i wished her the best and i did say when the time is right id like to be friends. She responded claiming the reason she didnt reach out over that month is because she still gets really upset if she tries to talk to me. Can you guide me in the next direction i also have her blocked on social media. I love this girl so much and i want her back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For the time being, since you have completed NC already, you could always consider initiating casual conversation once more with your ex, and to see where things may lead from there.

      Reply
  • catlady

    We both just turned 40 having spent 13 years in a same-sex relationship, legally married for 3. Our sex life had died off a while ago which made her unhappy and I was working to fix it. Then 2 months ago, coinciding with her 40th birthday, she seemed to have a breakdown, was crying all the time, saying she had been numb for years and felt suffocated, judged and controlled. We agreed to work on these things, she was going to start going out by herself more and we'd get therapy.
    Last Saturday, our anniversary, she admitted that she realized she had fallen in love with a male coworker when he moved to a new job at the start of December. That she hadn't slept with him yet, but has been physical. He is planning to leave his wife of 19 years. She also said that even if it doesn't work out with him, that we are "not good for each other" (everyone we know disagrees with this view and suspects she has been biased by this new man).
    I didn't take it well, I was shocked, I begged her to try to work it out with me, getting more and more upset. (She had no actual plan of leaving and stayed at the house for 2 nights more) during which time I got 0 sleep and ate nothing, eventually developing sleep psychosis, making plans to kill myself and ultimately hitting her. All of this sounds like we had a really terrible relationship, but the sad thing was that it was actually great, and we WERE happy until recently, and I desperately want to make her happy again.
    Anyway, I haven't contacted her since the day she left (Monday). However she just emailed me asking when she can get the rest of her things and when we can talk about dividing our stuff (all our finances are together including the mortgage). She wants me to sign a marriage termination agreement.
    I am not ready to see her, I will box up her things for a friend to deliver and I will sign whatever she needs to feel secure, but I'm unsure of how to respond to her email. Should I reply myself, or ask a friend to be an intermediary?
    Trying to do the right thing but struggling.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should do what you feel is best for yourself and your emotional well-being. If you don't feel ready to reply her email, you could ask a friend to do it on your behalf. There's nothing wrong with that. Also, the reasons for her suddenly acting this way could vary, but the biggest likelihood seems to be mid life crisis where she's struggling to find meaning with her life, especially if you said that she recently turned 40 and everything has been going great up till recently.

      Reply
  • SadGirl

    What if you’re on a timeframe? We hadn’t been together long but I messed up (not majorly, just too eager) and he went silent after I got frustrated with him one day. Problem is he’ll deploy in a few months so in that case, can 30-days turn into 2-weeks?
    I plan to contact him my mailing him a package with a smal gift that is made for him but hadn’t gotten a chance to give him. And I’d ask him to text me...
    What do you think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you haven't been together for a long time, it's definitely possible to reduce the no contact period, as long as it's enough time (in your opinion and circumstance) for him to respond positively towards you.

      Reply
  • clearlyasian

    Hi,

    My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after a 7 year relationship. I think it's fair to say that the majority of the relationship was long distance but we overcame it by talking everyday and meeting up from whenever we could. Even though it felt like it came to an abrupt end (within the space of two weeks it went from how we had always been to it ending), the problems she mentioned were recognisable when laid out to me at the end - the waning communication, her lack of passion, her unhappiness in the relationship. But these weren't things which had been mentioned prior to the break up so for me it had come out the blue. I don't know if I had been too naive to recognise it or whether it was poor communication. One of the major issues was our lack of integration with each other's families - but that's too complicated to explain coming from traditional Asian backgrounds.

    As abrupt as it felt, I still envisage a future with her. Now that I know what went wrong, I know how things have to be different. It was both our first relationships and it really felt like one that'll last. I haven't looked at another girl the same way. We began the no contact as soon as the break up conversation ended and neither of us had said a thing to each other, but I feel like even the 90 days recommended is too short a time before reapproaching her. From August, I will be closer to her geographically and I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to reapproach her then even if she's come to terms with it and moved on. As much as I'd love to get back with her, I don't want to push her away by invading the space she needs.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No Contact is not a time frame set in stone but rather the amount of time you personally feel is needed. 30/60/90 days are only an estimate gauge for general scenarios, but everyone has different needs. If you feel that August would be a better time, then give her more space for now, and perhaps contact her again only closer to the date to initiate contact before you shift. She should have let go of any negative emotions by then, considering there were no major fights or things turning ugly at the end.

      Reply
  • Briana Kimora Lewis

    My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere likke a week after the new year. He told my he did not feel anything anymore that he needs to find himself/i need to be alone and that we can still be friends. From day one of this year he has not been himself he has got into a physical fight with his brother and getting into it with people at work..hes normally not aggresive like that. After he broke up with me he deactivated his facebook left all our pics and relationship status still in place..he saud he was just over social media..told me to text him through regular text. He texted me everyday for a week after we broke up and we seen each other 2 times...he never blocked my from any thing. And he changed my netflix name but did not delete the profile. I am doing no contact for 5 days now. I still love him but i think he is bipolar or he has a mood problem /depression..he goes through feeling numb every few months but this is the worst i have ever seen him. He smokes weed everyday to surpress his emotions..i just dont know what to to i feel stuck..we have been in each others lives almost 2 years

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If there was a trigger that caused him to turn so extreme, maybe it's something you should consider seeing how you can support him on it. It's clear that he's not in the best frame of mind, and if things are really extreme, I would recommend you to strongly suggest he seeks help professionally, as things could get worse if left unchecked.

      Reply
    • Briana

      I think the trigger was the new year...he is suppose to be trying to get his own place this year as in probably march ..but he has no money saved up plus alot of family issues. He doesnt want to ask me for help i think cuz its a man/pride thing.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I understand where you're coming from about the male pride issue, since I have been guilty of it too. However, there are other ways to support your man without hurting his pride. We don't ask for help because we don't want to seem incapable of handling our own issues. While you may not be able to support him on the issue itself, you could always go about by being there for him, doing sweet little gestures to brighten his tough day/week.

      Reply
  • Niki

    Hi there, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after 2.5 years together. We were deeply in love and he said at the time that he still loved me and would learn not to. The issue is that he is 26 and I am 44 and I have a 6 year old child from a previous relationship. He says he is not ready to be a step-dad or live as a family and that he wants children but not for another 5-10 years, and that counts me out. He says that love isn't enough and that he wants to follow convention even if it means the person he ends up with isn't someone he loves as much as he loves me. I am devastated. This is also our second attempt to be together. He broke up with me last April 2017 for the same reasons. After 6 weeks he said he'd made a terrible mistake and couldn't be without me, that I was his soul mate and we were meant to be together. It lasted 7 months until he broke up with me on 1 January 2018. I feel like he is the only person I have ever loved this much in my life and that he is making a terrible mistake which he may only realise many years down the line, but I can't convince him anymore - I have to do the no contact to try and heal and see what happens. Do you think that I should try and rekindle the relationship again in 30 or more days or is this hopeless? We will always have the same issue but our relationship was incredible in every other way.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like he isn't emotionally ready to settle down, and it isn't something that can be resolved within 30 days. If you're going to be fair to yourself, it might be a better idea to walk away since he may not be ready for another couple of years as you've mentioned.

      Reply
  • Nina

    My girlfriend of 3 and a half years left me 3 months ago. It was difficult because we weren't allowed to see each other because her parents couldn't accept that she was gay. We could only see each other at varsity therefore she left me because she didn't want me to get hurt by her family anymore and we argued too much about her family and we both had trust issues. We went through so much together and I don't understand how after everything she can just move on and pretend like nothing ever happened. She told me to move on but she still wants to be friends and do things together. I believed what we had was real so I made the mistake to beg and pushed her even further away now we don't talk anymore.I really miss her in my life. Should I try the no contact rule and then try to be her friend or should I just write her off?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This would depend entirely on what you want. If you feel that it is better to write her off and the pain you feel is not worth it, you should walk away from her completely. However, if you still feel that you want to be together with her, start with no contact to give her some space and time, since she may have a negative view on you right now for begging her.

      Reply
    • Kelli

      Similar ending situations and its hard.

      Reply
  • Sean

    I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years about a year ago before we went to university. To this day I still regret it.
    I didn't break up with her because we were going to university, we were actually going to the same school. I just thought that she didn't appreciate me for the things I did for her, but it was really me who was being a child and being immature. She's a very sweet and caring person, and to this day I love her more than anyone on this planet.
    A couple weeks after I moved in to my school, I messaged her to meet up. We did and I basically begged her to get back together. She said no to me and for the next 6 months I made things horrible but pleading more and more looking like a fool. After that, I became angry at her, resenting her and not letting anyone bring her name up, but alas it was still my immaturity that got the better of me. It took about a year from the break up to get on normal talking terms again. She still loves me, I doubt anywhere close to how much I love her right now, but we had an amazing relationship and I know she thinks the same. Part of me still thinks she wants to be with me, but needs to see improvement in me.
    I'm still so mad for her, after over a year I still can't be with another woman. What are your thoughts? Anything would help. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on your end goal on whether it's to win her back or to move on. If you want her back, you should make those improvements to your life as you had said, and put your pride or anger aside because it would only serve to backfire on you. If your goal is to walk away and move on, bear in mind that you've already gone through several stages of grief since the break up (denial, anger, bargaining and probably some depression) and the only part left is acceptance, which has prevented you from moving on.

      Accept everything that has happened regardless, and let go of your anger before any steps can be deemed effective.

      Reply
  • Nicole

    My wife decided that she wanted a divorce about 2 weeks ago, and she moved out 2 days ago. I definitely made the mistake of begging and pleading for her to come back. She has insinuated subtly that she has doubts about her decision, but also says that she doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't want to get my hopes up. She is a divorce attorney, and filed for a divorce immediately - however, she says that she did so to get the date into the system and has not served me with the papers. She was going to start drawing up a divorce agreement, but does not seem to be in a huge hurry to do so. Would you say that I should go "No Contact" even when a divorce has been filed? I'm worried that we will be so far into the divorce process in a month that it will be hard to slow down. I'm also concerned that if she does present an agreement, and I'm following No Contact, all of our communication will be about the divorce agreement and could be contentious. Also, we have two kids, so we will need to be communicating about them during this time. Would you say No Contact is still the best option in my situation?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she has not thrown the idea of getting back together out (even though she didn't agree either), it's a start. No contact may make matters a little worse in your case, but it depends on the context of why she wants the divorce in the first place. If it's something that can be worked on, I suggest you try to sort things out first, and try to convince her to get back together with you. Bear in mind you should not put too much pressure on her or she would only be more firm on her decision.

      Reply
  • Derrel

    Its only been about 1.5 weeks since the initial break up and I went through absolute hell the first couple of days and did EVERYTHING that your guide said not to do. I felt like a fool after reading through everything and realizing the gravity of the mistakes I was doing by reaching out, pleading, not giving time.

    I have only started true no contact for a brief 2 days now after many text messages and calls. Yesterday there was a huge Island event (I live on the Caribbean island of Curacao) where there was a huge boat/yacht get together....thousands of people in a little bay. And yet I ended up on a boat parked just one away from the one my ex was on...what are the fricken chances?!?! I ignored her, and tried with all my strength not to look at her...and i did succeeded. Today she sent me a message. I did respond according to your section on how to start text messaging once no contact is over. Now the reason i responded instead of ignoring it is because one of the issues I had during my relationship was that I took her for granted and did not show her the attention/affection she needed (I purposely held it back because of my own insecurities and reasons that I AM working on right now....therapist included). There were countless times in the past that she would message me and I would purposely not really pay much attention to it, or let my self forget about it. She has brought this up in a few discussions in the past and it did bother her greatly.

    Now back to the reason that I did respond: In my head, i was thinking that part of me changing, bettering myself, allowing myself to open up and give someone the attention I truly do want to give them, would be to properly respond to text messages in a timely fashion and not brush them off with a shrug.

    In a case like this i didn't want her to think about all the times she must have felt the annoyance about me not responding and then think "oh so he's not changing after all". It was a lack of respect and attention that got me into this mess, and I did not want it to make it any worse.

    So, in a case like this, if she does respond to me again in a couple days, weeks, should I completely ignore her or just send her a positive, straight-to-the-point message as prescribed by your guide?

    Many thanks,

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Reply her with a to the point message, letting her know that you're currently working to improve yourself and require some space to make changes in your life.

      Reply
  • D

    my boyfriend of a year and two months broke up with me 4 days ago he said he lost feelings for me and wanted me out of his life im wondering if he really meant that or only said that because i pushed things too hard to be back to normal i became clingy and tried giving him affection after trying multiple failed attempts of giving him space and trying to plan a date to sort things out everything started to go downhill within a span of about 3 months due to some petty arguement that i dont even remember at this point i really do still love him and really dont want to lose him for good do u have any suggestions as in what i could do and if he'll ever love me or care about me again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He could have lost affection for the way you are now or the way he remembers you to be. Since that is the case, applying no contact would be the best solution as it gives him the space to let go of memories with you, and for you to make changes in your life which can be shown at the end of the NC period. This might re-kindle the spark that he lost.

      Reply
  • Krsna

    My ex boyfriend broke up last june 2016. He lives in u.s. and im here in the philippines. The reason that i know why he broke up with me is because i cant go to u.s and he has not got his greencard yet so je cant come home. He started again communicating with me last year and got his green card. We talked everyday and night just like we used to.he told me about his coming home to philippines and told me he wants to see me and chance of getting married like what he promise me 2 years ago. Then come sept 2017 he met a girl from the philippines too through chat and months later we seldom talked to each other. I suspected that he is busy talking to this girl. Last christmas he came home but didnt see me and this jan2 2018 i found out that he is already in a relationship with this girl he knew for 3months. I talked to him and confirmed it. I asked if he loves her but he said he dont know if he loves her. I told him i still love him and i know he knew that all the time bacause we have been together 6years on and off then we got back together after 6years on and off again. And after that conversation i have spoke to each other. I still love him how do i get him back. Please help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll have to give him the space to figure these things out. He's emotions may be in a whirl right now because he's talking to the new girl which provides an exciting and fresh change of pace from what he's used to. Certain situations like these you can't control how the other party feels or his intentions. You have to let him go ahead and make the decision on his own, and if the relationship you shared with him was meaningful enough, he would eventually come back once he sees the changes you've made to yourself from NC.

      Reply
  • Ralph

    My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me just before Christmas. She found out that she was pregnant and we had been trying for almost 2 years. She immediately told me she was not going to have my child because I had not paid to fix the transmission in her car (I did give her $700 to help). Again not wife, but girlfriend. I bought a house in November and we were supposed to move together with her son and my daughter. I asked her to reconsider and she told me she would keep the baby but I was not worth it. Its been almost a month of NC. I still miss her dearly, but she is cold hearted and every conversation I tried to have would become confrontation. I don't know if I want her back, but I am also concerned as I heard from a mutual friend that she has put on some more weight, and shes a very petite lady, 4'11 109lbs. I am kind of hoping she decided to keep our baby, but I don't know how much of her meanness i can put u p with and I see how her sons father's side of the family gets treated by her. In addition shes smoking a smoking hot Russian immigrant, and she used to be my next door neighbor before we ever started dating. The question is first, I cannot make her change her ways...she has to do it. I am no gonna wait on her, but I keep wondering if its even worth it with her. She has been married 5 times in the last 20 years also, so it's not just me who has a problem with her personality.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, in this situation, it's really more of your choice on what's important to you. If she cannot change her personality, and refuses to do so, you'll have to be prepared to accept it ever there's a second chance.

      Reply
    • Ralph

      She swings harder that a ride at Disney World, this is not the first time shes broken up with me but I was always the one to try and make it work. But, to relegate a child that I made to a transmission in a car is just pathetic. It hurt me badly as she got a chemisal abortion and dumped me in the span of a week. I did more than probably any man she has ever dated. I am a PhD biologist so I helped her with all of her school work, computer science math and English too, and I personally fixed the AC and radiator in her car. I literally moved into the house that she helped me pick out in November, and I don't see that she will change anytime soon, but I will keep the NC for 3-4 months and see where she is and if shes mean spirited still, I guess I have to completely let her throw herself to the lions. I have at times gone to the nearby gas station and guys talking about the "Russian lady" that came in with her bathing suit and a towel and obviously it was her, but she has some serious personality issues. I don't know if you shouldn't talk about the problems during NC, but I have a paper trail to show that I never once mistreated her and all of the problems she brought to me I lots a potential child in t his and I really feel bad for her son in particular because he's only 10 and she cannot do algebra. I don't even know if I want her back, but right now I do very much because for 2 years she was all I had as far as a lady. I never cheated or fooled around on her.

      Reply
    • Ralph

      How long would you suggest no contact? I know there is not a secret recipe, but I just feel that 4 weeks can't be sufficient as this behaviour keeps coming up. She has been married 5 times. I was to be the 6th. But I also know she can move forward but she won't forget me for some time. Our sexual chemistry was tit for tat and I hold hope for her change. I just dont know if I should break NC or wait and see if she will.

      Reply
  • Somvan

    Hi, I was dating my girlfriend for 5 years. I had some anger issues and she tried to give me a lot of chances. I failed every time and took her for granted. This September I was about to visit her as we were in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. She told me that she wanted to break up and move on as she couldn’t see me changing a bit. I tried to beg and convince her but she showed no emotions. We continued talking but after few days she started talking very rudely and even blocked me on Instagram.i tried to convince her to come back through text messages and kept on trying to talk to her. But she said that she doesn’t want to date me ever again even if I became the best man in the world. Though I didn’t want people or friends to talk to her about me but some did which I think made her more angry at me. I decide to shift to her city and Told her that. She removed my number from contact then I desperately decided to meet her and sent her flowers as secret Santa and decided to go and meet her near her place. But she panicked and she had a team party and there was some scene . She yelled at me and told me to go away and never come back in her life. She even deleted our pictures from her Insta account. Blocked me on every app possible and I haven’t contacted her till now. I sent her a happy new year text but she didn’t reply. I know I screwed up. But now I’m working on my anger issues. We had few physicals fights as well. What should I do? How should I approach this phase and problem in my life. I used to travel every month to her city to meet her. During the break up she would some times talk to me very nicely and sometime very rudely. What do you think I should do ? What should be my approach ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If your anger issues are on the more serious note, I suggest first seeking help before anything. Right now, without actually working on anger management (which definitely takes time), any relationship you go into whether with her or someone else would cause the same issues. She says that she doesn't want to date you again even if you become the best man in the world, and that's because she has confidence that you won't be able to change. Prove her wrong, and win her over again when the opportunity comes. For now, since she's blocked you off every media, there's not much you can do but move on and just focus on yourself until the opportunity opens up again.

      Reply
  • Troy

    Hi, me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago, we were together for 1 and half years. We haven't seen each other in a month and we have had NC for 3 weeks. Last time she talked to me she said that she misses me and wasn't sure if she was making a mistake. Since then we have gave each other our space and haven't had any contact. I have seen other sites recommend minimum 3 weeks. I was going to text her after 3 weeks NC and just see how she was using a reminder text, and slowly build the connection back and see how things go. Is 30 days really recommended?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The difference between 3 weeks and 30 days isn't huge and typically, it's meant as a guideline because everyone's situation is different. Some people require more space than others based on how the breakup happened.

      Reply
  • Ricky

    So my girlfriend and I broke up a month ago. I was so hurt and i kept begging her for two weeks. At first she would tell me it was because something inside her changed and she didn’t want a relationship right now and we could get back together in the future. But as i kept texting her and begging her for the next two weeks, i made it worse and she even told me she doesn’t want me as a friend and she would never date me again one day that i called her and upset her. Do you think she meant these words? Also, i was in no contact for about a week until yesterday when she texted how i was. I broke NC and we had a decent conversation kinda about catching up and i said something funny and she said lol. But now i think I’m more confused and hurting again because i don’t know if she was just contacting me because she feels bad or something. Please help me and ask me questions if you need more info

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with NC as you had planned to, before deciding on how you want to proceed. She may have said those things out of anger and irritation back then because you probably came across as needy and desperate. Give her some space, and since she's already texted you once, it goes to show that she still has some concern for you.

      Reply
  • Maddie

    My ex and I were on and off for almost a year. Last time we broke it off was oct. But we kept in touch and have hooked up since then. I now live with my parents which is miles away from him. I am doing the no contact rule now. And it has been 12 days. But 3 days ago he liked my poem on ig and viewed my story 2 days in a row. Is there a chance I can still get him back? I was extremely clingy when we broke it off the last time. Is the no contact really going to work? If so how long should it be?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would work as long as your mindset is correct. The whole point of no contact is to work out whatever personal issues you felt caused the relationship to end as well as to pick yourself up from the hurt of the breakup. Our recommendation is around 30 days and if he does love you, when you end the NC period and talk to him, he should still have feelings towards you.

      Reply
  • Gavin

    Hi there,

    My ex broke with me after 2yrs, about 10 days ago. She picked up that I wasn’t 100% committed to settling down why her. Truth is I’d love to, but only really seeing that now! Anyway when she broke with me, I went pretty desperate begging her to come back. I am now on NC 5 days. Her birthday and Christmas are coming up. It’s going to be hard to keep the NC. Is it really my best option for getting back together? Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, it definitely will be the best option, especially if you had gotten desperate and begged for a second chance. You have to give her some space to let go of that negative impression you made in doing so. Even if her birthday and Christmas is coming, I suggest still continuing with NC until you've made some changes and picked yourself up.

      Reply
  • Matt Hopkins

    I was recently broken up with a month ago, after 8 months or so of "chasing>dating>relationship". Looking back- we possibly jumped into the relationship too fast, and eventually, i ended up being a doormat/chasing her vs. her chasing me. The team effort went away, and it was very lopsided. I was not challenging her- and she clearly got tired of "routine" After going through the devastation- I am well on my path to bouncing back and becoming my best version.

    A few week after the break up, i wrote her a note just letting her know i respect and appreciate her, to avoid any bad blood. After returning from a wedding that we were planned to go to, and celebrating my birthday (without her), I had requested that she give me space, which I thought was implying not to contact me. That was breached a few times which I was thrown off by- whether contact is an issue of hers, or there is something deeper. After 2.5 weeks of no contact on my end, I reached out to let her know it was not acceptable to reach out to me, unless she was ready for a change.

    Without reading your content- I left the discussion as "Im out of this and not interested in being your friend. Call me if that changes"

    Has the door shut- or is this simply a "time will tell" type situation? I am committed to no contact and solely improving myself and my skills in women/relationships. It’s already been 8 days and I feel much better.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's good that you take no contact seriously. Ultimately, what you do should be dependent on what your goals are. If your goal is to one day get back together with her, you shouldn't completely shut the door, but to keep her more in suspense and reminiscent of you. Since this has already happened, just complete your NC and recovery before deciding on a subsequent action.

      Reply
  • Sophie

    Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for two years. we already had a break for 8 months without contact. At that time he decided to not to talk to me and get some space. We got back together in November last year (when he got in touch with me) and only recently I found out he was cheating on me. I don't understand why he did it, we didn't get a chance to talk about it. I broke up with him via txt. He blocked me which is fine with me as currently I feel pain and don't know if I will be able to trust him again. At the same time I have moments I want him back - it's like hate and love at the moment however I can't think of talking to him right now as it will be painful. Do you think this no contact rule can make him to contact me one day again? Im not sure myself if I want him to contact me but I do wonder if this works for those who cheated and if the relationship can be ever restored as by reading different articles cheating is serious and affect a relationship that it's hard to recover from it. What are your thoughts/advise please?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi There,

      it's normal to feel conflicted over wanting him back and forgiving him in these situations. No contact isn't entirely meant for him to contact you but for you to recover from the break up and the pain, so that you're able to make a rational decision at the end of it after you've recovered with regards to whether you want him back or not. He may or may not contact you during this time, depending on how he feels and whether he's still sleeping with other people.

      Reply

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