≡ Menu
Ex Back Permanently

The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need To Know About It

no contactIf you’ve been searching about information on breakups on the internet, then you’ve certainly come across the term no contact rule. It’s simple, you don’t contact your ex for a certain amount of time. However, it’s not an easy thing to do. In fact, No Contact may be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do, especially if you and your ex were together for a long time. Why must you put yourself through it when you already know it’s going to be extremely hard? Is it really worth it? How and why does it work? In this article, we will talk about all these questions and help you figure out if doing no contact is the right choice for you.

What is The No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule simply means not contacting your ex. Let’s just assume your ex is a drug that you are addicted to and the only way you can stop addiction of this drug is go cold turkey. That’s exactly what you are doing here. You are going cold turkey on your ex. Because in many cases people are addicted to their ex and they do need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

  • No Text Messages
  • No phone calls
  • No going over to their house
  • No accidentally bumping into them
  • No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
  • No contacting them via your mutual friends
  • No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

Why Do No Contact?

don't call ex and feel betterAs I mentioned before, it’s like breaking an addiction to your ex. You have to learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it. But you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get back with them. It’s because unless you learn to live without them you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

To get more info about why you should do no contact, read this article.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on it’s own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are three categories of things that are mandatory during the no contact rule.

Physical Activity

working outThe no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

  • Yoga
  • Gym
  • Any type of Sports that you enjoy
  • Crossfit
  • Jogging

Social Activities

shopping with friendsEven though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period.  You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run.
3.

Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

  • Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
  • Meditation
  • Spa
  • Massage
  • A Relaxing Bath

What To Avoid During The No Contact Period?

You also have to be careful during the no contact period of certain things you need to avoid. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact without making any progress in your life.

Obsessing Over Your Ex

Obsessing Over Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching every movement of your ex.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour through out the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is go cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s facebook everyday, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex everyday. In this case, it’s facebook. Delete your ex from your facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

FAQs about the No Contact Rule

In this section, we will explore some of the most frequently asked question about the No Contact Rule.

How Long For No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 30 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

What If You Break The No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, then it is highly recommended you start all over again. It’s just like breaking an addiction, if somewhere along the way you slip and start using drugs, then it’s better to stop it again and go cold turkey all over again.

Since the drug over here is your ex, and you are only suppose to go cold turkey for a month, that’s why you have to start the no contact rule from day 1 if you break it for whatever reason. The goal here is to prove to yourself that you can go without your ex for at least 30 days.

What if your ex contacts you? Does it count as breaking the no contact rule?

If your ex contacts you, it doesn’t count as breaking the no contact rule. However, if you respond to them, it is considered breaking the no contact rule. You are not to pick up their calls, text your ex or return their calls.

Of course, in case of emergencies, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.

What if you have a child together?

If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

  1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
  2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
  3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
  4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

What if you live together?

If you two live together, then I am sorry to tell you but your chances of getting back together are very less until you move out. Your ex is not going to miss you if they see you everyday. So, the best course of action will be to pack everything up and leave as soon as possible. However, in certain situations it is very hard to leave. In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.

  1. Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
  2. Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
  3. Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.

The Essence Of No Contact Rule

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the end, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up”. That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before the end of no contact, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

Do you want to find out your chances of getting your ex back?

 

Take this carefully designed test to find out your chances and if you qualify for the EBP Basics E-course.

 


If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

883 comments… add one
  • Steph May 23, 2014, 11:12 pm

    Hey! Long story, but will try to summarize. Me and my ex had 2 very rough patchesrelationship and each time he felt the need to tell his whole family and 3 best friends about it. On top that he humiliated me and it got so out of hand we had to go our separate ways. I still.love him though but ive recognized that i also need m own time. Roughly right after our break up, one of his bestfriends deleted me off of everything and it kind of bothered me because i use to be kind of close to them. Anyways..i tried to talking to my ex and it just didnt work..i knew i had to let it go so i started the NC rule about 3 days ago (5 days after our break up) and my ex has been snapchatting me 1 to 2 times a day saying things like “hi” or “hello” after ignoring me for a while and even though ive opened the snapchat, i havent contacted him back at all. I notice he looks at the photos i put in My Story on snapchat and so did his other best friend. But today, his other best friend has also deleted me from snapchat which leads me to believe that my ex is talking smack again and idk why…mayb because he realized i am not talking to him..im worried that im puabing him away with me not contacting him. So what should i do? Should i contact him?

    • Kevin May 24, 2014, 8:09 am

      You shouldn’t contact him for another 30 days. Read the 5 step plan.

      • steph May 24, 2014, 9:00 pm

        i ended up snapchatting him back today after he sent me a snapchat of himself half smiling with a simple “hope everything is well, goodnight!” to which he quickly replied “you have a goodnight also:)”

        then i stopped

        i know i should have continued to not contact him…but i dont want him to give up either..

        im scared that if i ignore him for 30 days, that he will just move on and forget..

        what should i do Kevin?

        should i just limit the contact and just contact him on occasion or seriously cut him off for 30 days?

        • Kevin May 28, 2014, 12:41 pm

          Steph,

          I’ll still recommend 30 days no contact. He will not move on so quickly. You’ll have to take a leap of faith. In fact, your absence will make him think about you more.

  • ben May 24, 2014, 9:00 am

    Okay so long story sort, ex girlfriend broke up we me 2 months ago, did the no contact for 1 months anyway tonight she sent me a message saying shes “really unhappy and she cant bare it anymore, her life sucks and she feel incredibly alone”, to be honest i kinda want her back i love her and miss her so much, i just want to know what i should do or what were her intentions when she sent that message?

    • Kevin May 28, 2014, 11:22 am

      She misses you. She is hoping that talking to you will make her feel better. She is not sure if she wants to get back together. Reply to her and try to meet up. Don’t push her into getting back together. Let it be her idea.

  • Becky May 24, 2014, 7:03 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    My case is a bit strange. My ex broke up with me because he didn’t like how jealous I was about this girl he was always hanging out with. They were close friends and my trust issues got in the way. He moved to another city to pursue his studies and we had spoken about long distance possibilities previous to the break up. However because he found me controlling due to my jealousy over this one girl, he didn’t find it worth it to pursue the relationship saying we lost our connection. On May 3rd we said our goodbyes at the bus terminal and he texted me thanking me for being there that day. I’m on day 21 of no contact. He messaged me on Facebook asking me why I deleted him. And he recently liked one of my comments concerning a movie we watched on our first date. I didn’t give in nor reply. Yesterday was his birthday. I didn’t contact him. However how do I reinitiate contact in a week though I missed his birthday. Should wish him a belated bday and talk about how I needed space?

    • Kevin May 28, 2014, 12:11 pm

      Don’t mention the birthday. Just use the letter mentioned in this article. Also, I’ll recommend you add one week of no contact, to allow enough time to pass after his birthday.

  • liah May 25, 2014, 12:55 am

    hey kevin,
    sorry if i’m asking too much. but i really need help. =( anyway i told you yesterday that my ex contacted me again telling me that we should be civil with each other when he calls me because his gf will be listening. you told me that i should continue talking to him. but after our conversation yesterday, he did not contact me anymore. i texted him last night and asked him how they (he and his new gf) are but he never responded up until now. i am worried that he already agreed to his new on not contacting me anymore which i know will lessen my chance of getting him back. what shall i do? =(

    • liah May 25, 2014, 11:20 am

      oh just an update. he did reply and we texted. but he seemed a bit distant. i’m not sure if i’m doing it right but i’m just texting like a friend. i’m not sweet or anything. but he did mention some plans on going out on christmas and buying stuff with me.. he even wants to join me when i told him i’m meeting this guy friend. but he asked for my permission if he could go. he even gave me his facebook password because i told him i needed some of stuff but i did not ask for it. he just gave it to me. the password was similar to our old password only the numbers have been changed. the numbers in his new password was their anniversary but then i asked him if he was the one who picked the password and he said yes but the digits were just added by his new girlfriend… am i putting too much attention on little things? =( i mean well i’m obviously head over heels with this man. =( what is the right thing to do? do we have a chance or he was just being friendly. i don’t want to be friendzoned =(…help please

      • Kevin May 28, 2014, 1:19 pm

        I don’t think you’ll be friendzoned. Friends don’t give each other their facebook passwords. He definitely has feelings for you. Yes, you are overthinking the little things. The best thing to do is just stay in touch, try to have fun conversations. Start flirting over texts as well. When you meet him, be positive, and have fun. Also, start going out on dates. He will find out and it’ll work to your advantage. It’ll make him realize that you won’t wait for him forever.

    • Kevin May 28, 2014, 1:08 pm

      Wait a week or two and then contact him again.

  • Doug May 25, 2014, 6:30 pm

    Thanks a lot for your site, it’s been interesting and helpful to read. In my situation, I emailed my ex for a month after the breakup (she said she still had love for me and hoped we could stay in touch, maybe try again eventually), and my emails were too needy. In our final exchange, she said she’d started seeing someone else and was “quite happy;” I replied with a (nice) email saying I still had feelings so I also needed space, and I’d leave any future communication up to [her]. Another month has passed, and I feel stable/not needy now. Do you think I can contact her again, though I said I’d leave it to her (Final detail – the rel. was distance, but she’s coming back in a few months. Should I just wait until then?) Thanks! (ps we were dating for 2 years)

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 11:10 am

      I think it’ll be a good idea to wait another month. You can start contacting her one month before she arrives and hopefully by that time, you’ll have a good rapport with her.

  • Perni May 27, 2014, 5:20 am

    Hello. I wrote to u a bit further down on the page.. I have some questions..

    When we haven’t been seeing each other for more than a few months, isn’t 30 days without contacting him a very long time?.. I guess maybe he will forget about me as he treats me still as I don’t exist..

    And I’m not sure what to say to him when it’s time to make a move and contact.. Cus if there’s a message without a question, maybe he wont answer? And what if he don’t answer at all? Should I then initiate a meeting and send an other message?.. :/ and I am going to have a surgery around the date I’m going to contact and not sure if I can meet him at a public place like a cafe and so on. Is it a no no to ask him to your place or is it better to suggest a date a bit later and make a deal when I’m healed from my surgery?
    To be honest, I feel a bit helpless now.. I also commented in a thread a bit further down and haven’t got a reply to that one.. Thanks

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 12:35 pm

      30 days is not a very long time in my opinion, even if you haven’t seen each other for a few months before that. When you contact him, use one of the methods mentioned in the 5 step plan. I’ll recommend you wait until you’ve fully healed before asking to meetup.

  • Gigi May 27, 2014, 12:06 pm

    Hi Kevin-

    My ex girlfriend broke up with me because she is ready to move in and begin living her life with a partner and I’m younger than her and not ready. She claims she can’t “wait for me anymore”. She also says that she cannot deal with my closet situation as I am a lesbian and my family doesn’t know. We have been together for 2 and 1/2 years and I was wondering if this reasoning is an exception to the rule ? Do I have any chance of getting her back?

    Thank you

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 12:53 pm

      Gigi,

      She is clear about what she wants in her life. Unless you are willing to provide her what she wants, your chances of reconciliation are very less.

      • Loganathan June 27, 2017, 12:29 pm

        Same situation for me…once she told me she is lesbian …but I still desperately need her.and told her that I love her.. after few months she told she will give me a chance but do not torture her to love her. So I went no contact for 30 days..she tells me that she is close to love me..I said I’m confidence in my life…she tells me to keep this no contact and it will make her to love me..but she is still a lesbian. What should I do Mr.kevin?

        • Kevin June 28, 2017, 1:07 am

          Hey,

          If she is a lesbian, then you will probably have a better chance finding someone who is not. If you are truly confident, then you wouldn’t settle for someone who is not attracted to you sexually.

  • Confused? May 27, 2014, 3:22 pm

    Can you please delete my part of this thread. We have worked everything out and are officially back together. I do not want anyone to see this. Thank you…

    • Kevin May 28, 2014, 1:40 am

      I’ve deleted all but this one. I wish you happiness, love and success in your relationship and in your life. Cheers!

      • Confused? June 2, 2014, 8:18 am

        I still receive your email thread and all your advice has truly helped in mending my relationship. You are wonderful!

  • Perni May 27, 2014, 3:57 pm

    Hi. I submitted an other question but it isn’t showing..?

  • Whit May 27, 2014, 10:57 pm

    My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me a week ago. We are both at a point in our life where we want to settle down and start our own life/family. I’m 29 and he’s 27. Of course everyone is saying do not contact him and move on. I’ve been doing NC for 8 days now. Our relationship never really had any major problems. Things are always great when we are together. He was overseas as a contractor for 4 months and the last month he was there, his company lost his contract and he had to come home and has not been able to find a job ever since. He admitted to be depressed about the job situation. We literally went every day talking and such and then to barely talking when he came home which caused me to send long drawn out emotional text messages and appear needy which I am not. He recently left to go to work in another for a bit and that’s when he ended it. He has told me a few times he needs space but has always broken that space by taking me out and such and then blows up at me when I have an emotional response. I truly love this person and don’t want to give up but it is killing me that I have not heard anything from him. I’m not sure what to do and it’s weird that I don’t feel like this is a total loss. A huge part of me and I guess my intuition tells me this is just a break for him to get his life back together. I don’t know and I don’t want to make excuses.
    Also to add to this, he made many promises about how much he loved me, was in love, couldn’t wait to start a life, etc. Then as soon as his company lost their contract. He backed off. It hasn’t made sense and now it’s over and I don’t want it to be. I don’t know what to do and do not want to make things worse, yet I do not want to lose him completely.

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 1:08 pm

      Hey Whit,

      Like I said in your other comment, start no contact and follow the 5 step plan. That’s your best bet.

      • Whit May 29, 2014, 3:39 pm

        Thanks. This is Day 10 of no contact. I’m hoping I’ll hear from him when he comes home. He’s been going since the beginning of May to work in another state so basically my hands are tied anyway and it’s really annoying to have friends and family say move on when they weren’t in the relationship 🙁

    • ric December 5, 2015, 2:18 am

      he sounds like a clown.

  • Sarah May 28, 2014, 1:24 pm

    So I did the 30 days no contact, just over that I think despite my ex messaging me once after 10 days into the NC period. I Messaged him saying I missed him and it wasn’t until a couple of messages later he said he missed me too but we wont get back together because we know we don’t work and that he prefers being single.. this was a week ago. we have been messaging every day since, and today he admitted that he doesn’t want to see me because he is still attracted to me and that he still has feelings there. I then tried to end our conversation a couple of days later in which he replied with another question, it would have been rude for me not to reply so I did but then he didn’t reply to me until a couple of days later. It is driving me crazy because he knows exactly how I feel about him, I told him that missed him and still loved him last week and despite him saying he doesn’t want me back. he keeps messaging me. I’m beginning to become really impatient because other guys are showing way more of an interest, ones I know would treat me better than him but because I love this guy I cant and wont move on because I want to give us another chance. Shall I be patient and wait for him to ask to meet up with me? But looking at what he has already said, the feelings are there, he just doesn’t want to try again at the moment.

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 1:30 pm

      Hey Sarah,

      Give yourself a time limit (2-3 months). If by that time, you and your ex are not back together, you should try to move on.

      • Sarah May 29, 2014, 3:05 pm

        Hi kevin, thanks again for the reply.

        I just thought id update you, my ex said he wouldn’t feel comfortable seeing me as he still finds me attractive and that he still has feelings for me, he also told me to move on like he is trying to so its finalised my decision I suppose. I’ve waited 3 months already I guess its time to move on with my life now. Thank you for all of your help

        • Kevin May 30, 2014, 7:18 am

          Good Luck Sarah. I’m sure you will find the love and happiness you deserve.

          • Mariposa June 3, 2014, 1:27 pm

            Is it just me or seriously, this guy obviously has feelings for you and knows you have feelings for him. To me it seems like a fairly easy solution, not just no contact but just STOP showing that you want him. He is playing with you because he KNOWS you want him so just stop. Get busy on you and start getting out and having fun and let him miss you enough to come after you. He knows how he feels and he knows you are a weakness for him, he has already admitted that. So this seems like one of the easier fixes in most of these stories……make him WANT you back. Don’t be available, stand up for yourself and take care of you, it’s his loss and he needs to feel that. All I feel is doubt and desperation from you, he can feel that too so he isn’t going to give into you. Just move forward and focus on you, for you not to get him back and once you get happy with you I bet he will come knocking on your door especially if you don’t contact him.

  • Whit May 28, 2014, 1:49 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I don’t know if my comment from yesterday came through. I don’t post on message boards much but this one seems really helpful.

  • Confused May 29, 2014, 12:43 am

    Hi kevin! I followed the 30 day no contact rule and texted him that I was ok with the split. He immediately responded telling me that he missed my 4 yr old daughter so much it hurt (he’s not the biological dad), he’s often reminded of us, and hasn’t slept. He seemed very interested in me. I was very calm and didnt give him a lot of details. Throughout his texts he kept asking how my daughter was dealing with the breakup. I finally responded a bit harsh by telling him what he was going to do about it if she was having a hard time dealing with the split. Then I added that im dealing with the situation on a day to day basis and it’ll get better. Three hrs later I texted him that if he still wanted to be in her life he could but he cant bail on her. This happened two days ago and he never responded. I shouldnt have offered but I thought like a mom. What advice can you give me? Should I cont. With no contact?

  • confused May 29, 2014, 12:56 am

    Btw, he contacted me on mothers day expressing that he knows I dont want to hear from him and how great I am. Then on my birthday he text me again wishing me the best and if I “EVER” need anything, he’ll help me. Kevin, this 30 day NC works wonders. I need advice. What do I do?

  • liah May 29, 2014, 8:51 am

    Hi kevin,

    I did not receive any reply om.my last post. But anyway i need to ask something.

    Me and my ex (who cheated on me and still with the new gf) are texting though the new girl doesnt know it and.she wouldn’t allow it.

    The thing is, i have a feeling that he is just texting me to boost his ego. Whenever we text, he is always telling me about the girl. Like a while a go, he told me he was not feeling well and then i asked him why, he said because he is not having enough sleep because he is always with the girl.. to cut everything short, it’s like he is akways reminding me about his relationahip with the girl. An “in your face” thing. It hurts me so much but i’m pretending/acting cool about it.

    I do not know what to do. I really want him back. :-(. Please help me. I’m desperate. Hope to get a reply from you soon. :-(. Help please

    • liah May 29, 2014, 9:01 am

      Just an additional information. He was also messing with my feelings i think. A while ago he asked me if we could meet then i replied “sure” . Then he said that he was just joking because he can’t meet me coz his girlfriend will get mad at him if she found out. :-(. I just told him ok with a smiley. Then i told him just to pray for me on my interview andhe just replied “alright”. :-(. What should i do? :-(.

      • Kevin May 30, 2014, 6:58 am

        It’s a sign of immaturity and you reacted well to it. You should continue being cool. But don’t be available to him all the time.

        • liah May 30, 2014, 12:43 pm

          Okay thanks Kevin. I really love this guy but I still do not know if he still loves me or he is just playing with me. I do not know if we still have a chance.. I hope this will work.

          • liah June 3, 2014, 1:28 am

            Hey there,

            I haven’t received any text from my ex lately. I did not text him either. Should i let him initiate the contact or should i text him? Our last conversation was the one I told you about and that was 5 days ago. Help please.

          • Kevin June 3, 2014, 12:35 pm

            Wait another week. If he doesn’t text you, you should text him. Also, how long are you willing to stay in this situation? What if he never comes back and keeps staying in touch with you and giving you hope so you never move on? I’d recommend you set a time limit for yourself. If nothing happens by the end of that time limit, you should give him an ultimatum, he can have her or you. If he chooses her, you should cut all contact from him and move on.

  • rockandrock May 30, 2014, 6:36 am

    Hi ! We were together for 4 years . We broke up because he said he doesn’t love me anymore.I did the no contact rule for a month and a half . He called after and I didn’t answer.Five hours later I called him and he said it was a pocket call. I feel confused ???

    • Kevin May 30, 2014, 8:52 am

      Wait another two weeks and text him as mentioned in this article.

  • dazedandconfused May 30, 2014, 5:29 pm

    KEVIN , a man needs your EXPERT advice!

    The details:
    I’m a 28 year old male, she’s a 24 year old female. We dated for 2.5 years with the last year being long distance due to my career. My girlfriend wanted to move in with me for the last 6 months and follow me to my new job beginning now (to go where I was working… I have since MOVED there now.. been here 3 days to a new city, so we are still in different cities) but I kept saying lets wait until I got back home to discuss things before I made my second move due to my career (this past week). I visited her in early May. I felt we had a solid two week visit where we worked on things, but the last few months leading up to this point, she has literally said all kinds of things like “you cant change the way I feel”, “its just part of life, but our memories will last”, “you should have asked me to move in months ago, and now its too late”.. and most importantly, “Im not moving n with you because I don’t have the security to leave my job and I am not doing long distance for an extended period of time”… she wanted no gifts from the city I was working, told me it was pretty much over. I asked for a chance, and she reluctantly said yes…So I still showed up to her door to work on things for those 2 weeks, and I thought we made some good progress. Once I got back to my old job (to finish up some things before I moved to my new, current job in a different city), she started arguing and complaining that she would never be a priority in my life and that she wanted me to apologize for not spending enough time with her at her home and then going out to a dinner with a female friend… again, more stupid emotional drama that I was burnt out with. I told her she should be happy I even showed up, and for the first time in months, told her how I felt about how needy she was.. I countered with saying some things that really hurt her about me putting up with all her complaining and putting up with all the drama…and how she was never understanding that it was difficult with my new job for her to come live with me right away. Basically, I feel she doubted the relationship the last few months and can’t handle distance well. I wasn’t prepared for proposing, and she knew that, but I think she just keeps pressuring me to make her #1. I finally had enough, and broke up with her…it was ugly with many hurtful things she said to me and I said to her. She texted me “I thought you truly loved me 🙁 “… I didn’t respond, and her last text was “goodbye and good luck with your life” and mine was “thanks for understanding that this just isn’t working. Were too good to end like this and we should be on good terms. Call me whenever you’d like to talk” type of thing.

    So it’s really bad..

    The problem, is that I AM NOW HAVING REGRETS 🙁

    I have read your site about 30 days no-contact… and she’s not just an addiction- I feel like I see potential. The problem is that she was just too emotionally unstable and pressuring me for her to be my only priority– i have a very important job and that will always be a priority. I don’t know if she will ever understand that, but she hasn’t contacted me since. I’m open to working on things, but not sure if she is anymore.

    A mutual friend says she was initially really hurt and upset about what I said to her, but another says she’s now at ease after 10 days of no-contact. When the second mutual friend suggesting calling me (she was unaware I asked the friend to do this), she said “its too stressful to talk to him”.

    I don’t know what to do. It’s been 10 days no contact. I figure to do the 30 day no-contact, but I am the one that broke up with her. Shouldn’t this be a case where I reach out to her, and NOT wait for her? I worry that if I keep waiting past 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, etc.. she will just move on like my friend said she already is..and in my opinion, she already was preparing herself to move on the last couple months with what she was saying.

    Please get back to me with your opinion.. lots of hurt feelings, and I put the ball in her court and havent heard from her. At what point should I contact? If ever? Help!

    • Kevin June 2, 2014, 12:23 pm

      She won’t move on in 30 days. And you should get back in touch with her after that. She might get used to not having you in her life, but she won’t move on completely. That’s exactly what we want. You want her to start seeing you in a new light. There’s a chance that if you contact her and tell her you want to get back together right now, she’ll accept. But I believe you’ll be doing a mistake.

      Right now, you’ve just been 10 days of no contact. You are in the missing phase of the breakup. And in this phase, your mind will do anything to justify getting back together. If you read your message, you said she was emotionally unstable and pressuring you to make her the only priority. I think that’s a huge red flag and no relationship can be healthy if those are the issues in it. And there’s no guarantee that things will change once you get her back. So, I’ll recommend you do no contact. Not for her, but for yourself.

    • Lynrose September 28, 2014, 10:16 am

      I guess I can relate with this situation. I mean, my bf broke up with me because I guess I could say, I’m emootionally unstable, I’m too much jealous, so much emotional drama that pushed him to the limit. So he said he would set me free to have time for myself because I was too focused on him. I got desperate and needy after the break up. I’m on my 1 week NC now because I realized that I have a lot of things to work on for myself, I see potential for both of us but I have to deal being a mess first so I could be much confident. I love him dearly and I honestly want him back, but I guess I have to prepare for the worst for I know he had enough of me being too jealous. Though I feel that he still has feelings for me but it’s just not enough, he wants me to grow and change for the better.

      I guess in your case, your ex has to re-assess things as well, and it’s possible for you to be together again in time.

  • Alicia May 30, 2014, 6:24 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Your website changed my life and no matter what will happen in my life I am very grateful for finding it.

    I am 34 with a child (not his), he is 32. We work together. I left my husband for him, he left his girlfriend for me. We have been together just over a year. It was extremely difficult time because of the circumstances of getting together and getting out of our relationships. There were lots of tension, insecurity, stress and drama. We had lots of toxic fights and finally we broke up. A week or two after a break up he got back to his ex… I found out recently that they were in constant touch while he was with me. I know she was crazy in love with him and I know he never told her about me and he felt very guilty that he cheated on her.
    I know he loved me but his ex managed to achieve what I am trying to do now.
    Since the break up while he is with her, he emailed me, called me once but I didn’t answer and he stated his new relationship status on Facebook a few days ago. It was so painful that I emailed him wishing him all the best but I also said how hurt I am and I asked for not to email and text me ever again.

    Do you think there is still a chance for me especially that we work together and see every day although I do my best to minimise the contact? I avoid him as much as I can but actually he is the one who comes to my department. I can not change my job. Is there anything I can do except ‘ no contact’ rule?

    • Kevin June 2, 2014, 12:24 pm

      Hey Alicia,

      To be honest, if he went back to his ex, chances of you getting him back are slim. You can still try the 5 step plan but I’ll recommend you only try it once and if it doesn’t work, move on.

  • rory May 31, 2014, 6:24 am

    Its been a week but I will be forced to see him for a friends(his housemates) event a wedding- I am his +1 but am on the mutual invitation and I promised the bride who I became friends with that I would go. How do I handle this?

    • Kevin June 2, 2014, 12:43 pm

      Treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Have fun at the wedding. Don’t have any conversation with him longer than 5 minutes. Don’t talk about anything personal.

  • Trevor May 31, 2014, 7:56 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex girlfriend and I are both 25 years old, and we dated for over a year. We broke up one month ago. Before things started to get rocky, we were very close, researched places to live together in September, and talked on numerous occasions about marriage and a future together. After dating many girls over the years I finally thought I found the girl I would settle down with. And as far as I know, my girlfriend felt the same way.
    I know the real reasons why my ex broke up with me. I had a few situations with alcohol that negatively affected her over the last 6 months or so, and my time management had put a burden on our relationship at times too. Also, the stress of my job has gotten in the way at times too, but I will talk about that further on. In no way is my girlfriend perfect either, but I know that these things definitely led to her decision to break up. I think her growing up with parents that fought a lot and still do, as well as her rocky relationship with her mother, have impacted her communication skills and perception of fights. Issues I had with alcohol a few times and a few mean remarks I said really upset her. I since have seen a counselor about alcohol and my time management and had tried my best to prove to my ex that I have changed. And deep down I know I have. Unfortunately, a month ago, our relationship took a nosedive. My ex was having issues with her current roommates, so she unofficially moved in with me at my apartment. At the same time, I started a new position as a pharmacy manager and spent the first couple weeks working nonstop. I told my ex that this would be a stressful time and I wouldn’t be home as much for a couple weeks. But it would get better, and it has gotten much better. So she was kind of an emotional wreck when she moved in because of her roommate issues, and I wasn’t home much during this time. We started fighting more about meaningless things, and everything escalated to her moving out only 2 weeks after moving in. We had unofficially lived together before for a couple weeks and everything was great back then (8 months ago). So, I don’t see that being the problem. I think it was terrible timing with my new job and her roommate problems. But my ex sees it as if we can’t live together in those conditions, then it won’t work when we are married and have kids. I get her logic but still think we can work everything out. Especially now that I am working less and my job isn’t so stressful.
    In the last month, I have used no contact twice. A few days after breaking up, I stopped contact, and a couple weeks later, my ex and I caved and saw each other. We even spent a weekend together, but there was little to no intimacy. It was like us starting dating again, taking it slow. She admitted that she missed me a lot and loved me. But then she hit me with this: “I am so happy you are still in my life. I am glad to be friends still.” This of course angered me, and I deleted her on facebook and told her we both needed space. So another 2 weeks have gone by, and she and I have started talking a little again. At first I ignored her calls and a few texts. One of how she was upset I deleted her on facebook. We talked a little today about meeting up again, but her response is pending. I know I probably should do more no contact even though it has been a month since the breakup, but I also feel that my ex wants me to prove to her that I’ve changed. I’ve been working out almost daily, and have built up my confidence so much in the last month. How do you think I should proceed from here? Sorry I wrote so much.

    Thanks so much,
    Trevor

    • Kevin June 2, 2014, 1:26 pm

      You can finish no contact and stay in touch with her. Take things slowly and don’t make any moves out of anger. In my opinion, anger is a sign of neediness and emotional immaturity after a breakup.

  • Justin June 1, 2014, 11:11 am

    Hey, Kevin. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. I am 29 and she is 27. We had a great relationship. Sure, we had our arguments from time to time, but our love for each other was strong. Sex life was great, we did most everything together, and we were always laughing. She never complained, questioned me, or got jealous. She is the greatest girlfriend I have ever had. On top of that, she is confident and smokin’ hot.
    Here is where the problem started. 7 days ago I went to a wedding reception that she was not able to make. While I was there she texted me and asked if I wanted to sleep over at her house when the reception was over. I told her I would come over after the reception. Well, the reception had an open bar and I got a little drunk. When it ended the groom asked me to go out to the bar with them to celebrate. I agreed to go and have 1 beer so I called her and told her my plans. However, I was drunk on the phone with her and went on a rant about how important the groom was to me and that I wanted to go celebrate with him (the groom is not that important to me, I was drunk) Long story short, 1 beer turned into staying at the bar until closing time (2 am). I got a cab home by myself.
    The next morning I texted her to see if she wanted to go out in my boat, totally forgetting the order of events from the night before. Her response was that she needed to take a couple of days away from me. I got mad and responded, “I finally have a day off to be with you and you want to take a couple of days off. Whatever, I’m going to have a good time regardless”. I didn’t mean it. I was just mad. Her response was that she is not in love with me anymore then she broke up with me.
    I apologized for everything and expressed my love to her in an email and got no response. It tore me up until I found your website. Honestly, your articles are what have kept me sane throughout this. Anyways, I started no contact. We hadn’t talked in 4 days then she texted me, “Hey. How are you doing?” I did not reply. She said, “It figures you wouldn’t answer”. I didn’t reply.
    The next day she called me and I did not answer. That same day, I was at a friends house. When I got home all of her stuff was gone and the key was on the counter. We are currently at 5 days no contact. I know it hasn’t been that long, but I want to make the right moves so when we do work things out we have the best relationship possible. I want to marry this girl one day. Should I contact her? If she contacts me again, what should I do? How do I work things out with her?

    Thanks,

    Justin

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 7:22 am

      You should contact her after 30 days. If she contacts you, you can tell her you need some space and time for now.

  • Lauralei June 1, 2014, 5:43 pm

    Kevin my ex and I broke up on May 6th, I felt a breakup coming on and so did he! He said he felt smothered I always told him to go out with his friends have fun, as for me I am over the club scene! He told me at the begining of our relationship that I was his best friend, always touching kissing holding hands laughing, but then his friend came to stay with us and I was against it due to we were only living together for 6 months, but he convinced me to let him stay, my ex wanted to be free I guess going out, he quit college, quit his job moved out and even called the cops as I had kept calling him and harrassing him later apologized for words said and we would argue, because he literally left with no explanation other than smothering! I was engaged to him we met on halloween oct 31st moved in together 3 days later we never had any issues at all. he constantly told me how much he loves me & how much I make him happy! we had a wedding date set for oct 31st 2015, I want him back, I have been married before and in relationships but none came even a 1/8 close to mine with Mohammad. What should I do, I started the 30 day no contact allthough I did email him last sunday telling him he needs mental help and is insecure and I have no illregard towards him, he of course didnt respond, he said he was back with his ex his has a child with (that he broke up with 8 times in 6 years) he hates her she treated him like a dog even called him by the dogs name and he would respond, very insecure! He is Perisna she is mexican, she likes to run the show and be the boss, Persian men like subserviant soft women like myself, (fyi he was necver married to the girl and lived with her and her mother and when he would leave he would go back to his parents at 36 years olf the apartment we got together was the first time he lived on his own had bills in name and acted his age! He truly liked being the king of the castle and I loved staying home tending to our home I am old school he didnt want me to work outside of the house and I was so happy, I love being June Cleaver so to speak (with Angelina Jolies Face, as I am a professional look alike in los angeles) Please help me I know he is the one I just know it!
    I know he is not contacting me because when he left with his things I cried and then he started to cry how can I fix this!

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 9:50 am

      Hey,

      It’s good that you started no contact. The best thing to do is continue it for 30 days and contact him after that. Read the 5 step plan and follow it.

  • Kat June 1, 2014, 6:24 pm

    My ex works at the bar where me and my friends hang out a lot. I don’t go there anymore if he’s working but my friends still do (which is fine). Had no contact with my ex for 2 weeks now. He contacted me through one of my friends, told her to say hi to me and that I could come hang out at the bar again if I wanted. I told her that i’m not ready because I still want him back and it will be too painful for me. The fact that he wants to hang out again scares me.. does he miss as well, or does he just want to be friends, which means that he doesn’t want me back at all and makes it even more painful for me!
    My friend might also tell him that i’m still heartbroken.. which doesn’t help in getting him back right?? Not sure what to do now.. help..

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 9:51 am

      If possible, tell your friends not to talk about your heartbroken state to him. If not, then you can use it to your advantage as well. If you’ve been working on yourself and start going out on dates, your friends will inform him of that as well.

  • Jeremy June 1, 2014, 7:05 pm

    Hey Kevin, I have been seeking insight and advice on a very difficult time in my life. My ex and I somewhat separated about a month and a half ago for some vauge reasons. I didn’t understand it because her and I had such a wonderful relationship despite it being a long distance relationship, we were together for almost two years and had so many plans together since I was moving back to California very soon. We’re young and I understand it seems naive to think that it would last but this girl is so special and I swear that she is the perfect match for me. She was crazy for me and I was the same for her, I had my life planned out with her by my side and everything was so awesome… But as of late she seems so different. It’s been off and on from her saying she needs me and I’m everything to her, to her saying that she’s saying she can’t be in a relationship and other things that she says are not true but meant to push me away. I made mistakes like calling a lot, sending emotional long text and crying for her to come back. I’ve been trying to back off lately but it seems like she’s forgetting about me. I still honestly believe she wants me and loves me but we haven’t talked for a day or two and I fear she might have left for a camp she has been talking about where she’ll be gone for 8 weeks… I miss her so much and I’m not the same person without her… I still love her with all that I am and want things to work, but I won’t be able to talk to her for 8 weeks and there’s a possibility I might leave for boot camp while she’s gone. What should I do? Just let her go and not say anything about how I feel, or should I try to show her how much I miss her and need her? She’s all i want in life and I need help to get her back. Thank you.

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 9:53 am

      Let her go. You are forced do NC, so why not use it to your advantage. Do so for 8 weeks (more if you leave for boot camp as well). Contact her after that. Use the letter mentioned in this article.

  • Yvonne June 2, 2014, 2:30 pm

    So I broke my NC after two weeks because my ex was texting me, calling me, writing messages on Facebook and more. He sent me a message Thursday on how he was going to leave me alone and glad I was happy. My friends told me I should just talk to him because I might push him away. At first I debated and I said no I am not going to talk to him but then later that day he invited me to the movies and I agreed to go. I must admit the date was great and felt better than ever. He even called and texted non stop the next day and when he had his flight the next morning to FL he called an told me he he missed me and was thinking about me. While he was in Florida I didn’t get a call or text. I saw pictures of how he was in the car with the girl he has been texting and even one of when they went out to eat. I knew that once he got back here he would try to contact. Surprise surprise he has been texting me today trying to get my attention. I haven’t texted back and am starting over NC but I’m still not sure if he wants me back or if I am being a fool. Do you really think there is still a chance after that?

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 11:39 am

      Yes, there’s a chance. I don’t think you need to restart NC since he is already warm to you. However, if you think you need to do NC for yourself, you should do it. You can also let him know that you need some space and time for yourself so he stops texting you.

  • Brad June 3, 2014, 1:05 am

    Hi Kevin

    My girlfriend and I broke up 2 months back.She accused me of not trusting her because I had questioned her about some guy a few times. Also, we had been facing problems because of my insistence for some physical intimacy via text messages. She did it a few times and enjoyed it but then suddenly started refusing to do it .I repeatedly asked her what had happened all of a sudden but she just said she didn’t want it anymore. I lost my temper on a couple of occasions and spoke very rudely to her.

    It carried on like this for a month after which I told her to do what was right and take time to consider if she wanted to continue or break up. I have been in no contact since 2 months. She texted me once(after a month of no contact) but didn’t talk anything about the relationship. She’s still hung up on that text message thing and the fact that I forced her for it after she refused. She told a mutual friend that she’s trying but now she’s deleted me from her contact list and changed her privacy settings on WhatsApp. I’m at a loss. No contact doesn’t seem to help.

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 12:30 pm

      You should get back in touch with her. Use the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan and apologize for what happened.

      • Brad June 4, 2014, 1:53 am

        I already did that. She responded well to it. We talked for a week or so but she went cold again. I have texted her 3-4 times after that but she’s been giving me the cold shoulder.She keeps telling the mutual friend that she’s trying and it will take time but I highly doubt that(after learning that I’m not on her contact list anymore). I have been in NC since 10 days now.

        • Kevin June 4, 2014, 2:57 pm

          In that case, wait another 10 days and send her text. If she’s still cold, I’ll recommend you concentrate on moving on.

          • Brad June 4, 2014, 3:31 pm

            Should I ask her best friend to talk to her?and ask her if she’s really trying or just taking time to cushion the blow.She doesn’t want to confront and talk. She avoids it.

            Even if I need to move on, I need closure.and I guess there’s more to it than she’s telling. Some harmless sexting is not enough for her to break up. That I know.

          • Kevin June 4, 2014, 3:51 pm

            Trying to get to your ex through her friends is NEVER A GOOD IDEA. I get what you are saying about closure. However, in many cases, people don’t get closure even after meeting their ex. Sometimes, it gives them false hope. Sometimes, it arises more questions. I think the best way to get closure is to just cut her from your life and concentrate on moving on. Whatever her reason for breakup was, in the end, it meant only one thing. That she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. And the best thing you can do is accept it and move on. I know what I am telling you right now is much easier said than done. In fact, it’s extremely hard to let go of the obsessive thoughts. But I just want you to be prepared for the fact that you may never get the closure you are looking for from her. It will most probably come from within you after a while.

  • YoYo June 4, 2014, 4:28 am

    Hello Kevin,

    I sent you a question on June 2, did you ever get it, or respond? I can’t find the question on your website at all. Let me know, thank you!

    • Kevin June 4, 2014, 3:00 pm

      Hey YoYo,

      I can’t find your comment. Is it possible for you to post it again? Please read the comments guidelines before posting.

      • Jill June 4, 2014, 5:48 pm

        Same with me. It said pending, but now is gone.

        • Kevin June 5, 2014, 11:46 am

          Hey Jill,

          I am sorry about that. Is it possible for you to post it again? Please read the comments guidelines before posting.

  • YoYo June 4, 2014, 3:42 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I am 22 and my ex girlfriend is 20 years old. We went out for almost 2 years and ended in late March this year. We ended because we kept getting into dumb little fights. She eventually “didn’t feel the same as she used to” because of all these fights. We kissed a lot less, and were rarely intimate. We stopped clicking and this eventually led to a small break and we broke up directly after. We never even had a real break because after a day or two she would start talking to me. Everytime I tried to stay on break she called me stubborn by not responding.

    After the break up, I stopped responding to a lot of her texts and I eventually got responses out of her basically showing that she likes me still and cares for me. We hung out a couple times, and flirted a bit. I never got intimate these times though, only a couple kisses on the cheek, even though I went in for kisses on the lips. Keep in mind she wouldn’t do this to an ex for no reason. She also put on her best effort to look the best she could. She ditched studying for finals to hang out with me and grab dinner and dessert, but claims that she wasn’t flirting. She also started many texts with mutual friends talking about me and using my name in flirtacious ways by saying “he misses me” or “tell him to stop thinking about loving me” and constantly sending funny pics of me back and forth. My friends, and I all thought she definitely wanted me back with all these texts by constantly bringing up my name in the conversations.

    Eventually, she was being hot and cold. When I texted her, she was being rude for no reason, but whenever my friends and her talked about me she was always using my name in happy flirty ways. We ended up having a huge conversation via text three weeks ago and the whole time she says things like “I want to be friends” and then later on in the text say “but this doesn’t mean we won’t get back together” and she keeps doing this. She constantly states that she wants me as a friend, but also misses me as a boyfriend. Later on in the convo, it got to the point where I got tired of her antics and said I won’t be her friend anymore, and I can’t deal with her changing her mind everyday and always flirting and she then said “you can talk to any girl you want to, I won’t care” which is a complete lie because whenever I go out to eat she asks me “who did you go with?” as if I’m with a girl or on a date. Shortly after, I tested her statement and posted a picture with a girl when I was out to eat and she messaged my friend asking him “who is that girl? Tell me all about it. Who is she?” etc. and it’s funny because she encouraged me to move on but now she is being a hypocrite.

    Since the conversation, I have been in no contact for 22 days and have not looked at her social media at all. She has tried texting me on four different occasions, and has even called me. She has also asked my friends about me and is trying to find ways to get into contact with me. Last week she even told my friend that “I just want him to be nice with me, hang out with me, be my friend. And who knows what will happen.” Here we go again with her saying she wants to be my friend, but then possibly getting back later on. She also keeps asking my friend if I talk about her, or brings up the girl who she thinks I am seeing. This is how she has been. By the way, I am not dating anyone else. I have no problem being in No Contact and never have any urges to look at her page, but I just don’t know how to go about it. I also blocked her on everything, but I know she still stalks me.

    One last thing, we have concert tickets together, and the concert is in August. Whenever we get into a misunderstanding she brings those up. I own both the tickets. It seems as if she does this because it’s our last real tie together. She always asks my friend if I’m taking someone else or if I sold the tickets. She even told my friend to buy the ticket from me, not sure why. I know she is scared of me taking a girl because she messaged me saying she heard I was taking a girl, which is completely untrue. She also has some of my personal belongings, which she refuses to give me unless it’s in person.

    I just don’t know what to do, I love the girl and miss her, but she is ridiculous. Wants to be my friend, but also wants me to comfort her when she pleases. I know she is thinking about me a lot, and misses me, and I have been great with no contact, but I don’t know how to get her back when the time comes. I think my problem initially after the break up was that I was too accepting of her after the breakup, when I should have been more confident, and less desperate.

    Let me know what you think I should do, my No Contact phase ends in 10 days.

    • Kevin June 5, 2014, 11:28 am

      I’ll suggest you increase no contact to 45 days. When you get back in touch, hang out with her for 2-3 weeks and try to to take things slowly. If things are going well, ask her to get back together. If she refuses, tell her you can’t be friend and this time cut her off for good.

      • YoYo June 5, 2014, 1:38 pm

        Hey Kevin,

        Thanks for the reply. Her birthday is in 20 days, should I still wait before I talk to her when it gets to that day? My NC ends a couple days after her birthday. She will definitely ask me to come to celebrate her birthday with her, or grab lunch or something. I know she may use it as an excuse to see me, however I don’t want to come off as rude or heartless. And how do I get back into contact with her? A letter wouldn’t work, I only think a text would be appropriate for this situation, but not sure what to say. Thanks again, Kevin.

        • Kevin June 6, 2014, 2:11 pm

          In that case, you have two options, either finish no contact one week before the birthday. Or finish it a week or two after the birthday. If you decide to finish it after her birthday, just wish her happy birthday via text and politely decline to hangout saying you are busy.

  • Courtney June 4, 2014, 11:40 pm

    Hey Kevin. So me and my boyfriend were dating for bout 1 year n 6 mo, now recently we broke up, unfortunately it was my fault. Lately he wasnt giving me the attention I wanted and always leaving to go hang out with his friends, now I was really stressing because I didnt know if he was cheating or what was goin on. So I needed to vent and talk to someone because he wasnt around much so I couldn’t talk to him, so I told one of my friends and she said her and her guy were going through something similar so she was just talking to guys on an app, she ended up convincing me so I tried it. I was talking to a guy. I wasnt looking to cheat or anything I think I was just looking for attention, so my boyfriend found out about it the very next day and said he was done and said I was cheating but I only talked to one guy and I wasnt trying to meet up with him, I tried to talk to him and as you said not to do I did. I begged and cried but nothing, I havent been able to sleep nor eat im so streesed I just want him back, also we do live together. Im thinking bout goin to my moms for a bit and give him his space to see if we can work it out again. Please help

    • Kevin June 5, 2014, 12:47 pm

      It’s a good idea to go to your moms. If possible, be there for at least a month.

  • shaquana June 5, 2014, 12:25 pm

    Ok my bf and I broke up last Sunday, we have a kid together he broke up with me because. He says I constantly nag alot and I’m always constantly calling his phone,, its to the point when he turns off his phone because he doesn’t wanna be bothered by me, it makes me sad I nag because I want his attention and I want him to listen to me but of course he refuses, he tells me that I’m only dogging my hole deeper, he doesn’t care what I have to say to him he totally cut everything off between us,, I so desperately want him back let alone our family,, I always express my feelings to him he doesn’t care at all, he calls me a bunch of mean names ,, smh, I asked him was it someone else he never told me yes or no he only said why does it matter , why are you so focused on me when you should be worried about yourself,, he simply says leave me alone I hate you ,, smh I try to stop calling but idk what to do its not working because I find myself calling him every freakin day nonstop nonstop one time I put myself up to the challenge and tried not to call him for 24 hrs of course that didn’t work, at all I ended up calling him, idk if I should wait until he calls me or what,, smh what can I do any advice I desperately want our family back together as one again

    • Kevin June 5, 2014, 12:48 pm

      Hey,

      The only solution to your problem is that you apply no contact. Sorry, but nothing is going to work unless you apply NC.

  • Jill June 6, 2014, 10:36 am

    Toward the end, I felt we had grown more distant with each other but didn’t know how to close that gap. To be clear, we had an amazing relationship-open, honest, giving, caring, loving. We lived together. But when the distance started, he turned to other female friends or fill the gap. He did not go and see them, but instead started texting them. One, in particular wad inappropriate. I felt like it was cheating. He did not share my views. I asked him to stop. He thought I was trying to tell him who he could be friends with.

    A few weeks ago, he posted on his FB wall: “I always seem to pick the wrong women and am single again,” to which about 20 women came out to lend a shoulder. Two in particular, he had private text messages with. When I found that out, he was sleeping in my bed. It was about 1:30am. I woke him up and asked him to pack his bags and move out. He had a house of his own that he never gave up even though we were living together in every sense.

    We spent the next two days and nights together talking about things. I thought we could work it out and get back on track. After the second night, he posted in his FB wall that he met the “woman of his dreams….and old high school chum he had not seen with in years.” I was devastated. For the next week, I did all the wrong things. You’ve described most in your articles. This was about three weeks ago now. Two weeks after we ended, there appeared a new FB update: In a relationship.

    I then decided to do the no contact. That hasn’t gone too well because In the past week, he has sent me Snapchats. In then, he has complimented me. But worse, he told me that he loved me. I do not understand the point of those messages because he is still with that other woman. The problem, Kevin, is that I do love him. My family-parents and children- love him, and we talked about a life together and getting married.

    I feel like this woman is a rebound, but I do not know. All I know is that it is hard to give up on something that was once so beautiful and the promise of that future.

    Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
    Jill

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 11:34 am

      Jill, she is probably a rebound. Don’t give up until you’ve follow the 5 step plan at least once.

  • YoYo June 6, 2014, 1:33 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    This is adding onto my previous comment from a couple days ago that you responded to. My ex girlfriend came into my work yesterday, after 23 days of No Contact and gave me some of my stuff (she forgot one thing, not sure if intentional or not). She also said she wasn’t leaving until we talked. She kept asking me why I blocked her on social media and why I’m ignoring her and I said “I think that the space is important for us now” and she said “we can just be friends, I feel fine, what’s the problem?” The whole time she kept saying she is “fine” and “great” when she is clearly not. She was nervous and lying about being happy. Remember, she said a few weeks ago that she didn’t care if I talked to a girl so me and her so could stay friends, which was a complete lie? Well, she said “Do you not want to talk to me because you’re seeing someone?” to which I replied “I think we just need space”, which left her very confused and mad because she thinks I am seeing someone, when she had originally said she wanted me to move on. She kept reiterating that she feels great, when she was obviously lying to make herself feel fine and I said “I feel great, I’ve been very happy lately.” She ended up saying bye after and pushed the door open very angrily. She texted me after saying “Sorry for coming in and forcing you to see me, hope it wasn’t too horrible. At least you got your sweater back, that’s all that matters apparently” and I feel like she doesn’t understand my side at all. I never responded. I think I need to text her back, because I don’t want her hating me. Her mom told me she took our picture off the wall, and she has all these major mood swings now. I know she was lying when saying she is fine, and I know she wants to know if I’m seeing someone, but I still don’t know what she wants. What should I respond to her though? I don’t know if I can be friends with her yet, or even see her yet. She has been very avid about seeing me and staying in contact with me. I want her back, but I don’t want her to take advantage of my feelings at all. I do feel much more confident though.

    Thanks in advance.

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 11:42 am

      Hey,

      Let her go through her mood swings and let her learn to deal with her emotions. She is immature and you are not responsible to give her emotional support. At least, not after she broke up with you. If you want, you can give her an option right now. Either get back together, or give you time and space to move on. Tell her calmly, that if she wants to breakup, she should be willing to give you some time and space to move on. If she doesn’t want you to move on, she should get back together.

      • YoYo June 8, 2014, 8:10 pm

        Hey Kevin,

        Thanks again, you have helped me a tremendous amount. I don’t think giving her an ultimatum would be wise in this situation judging from her previous actions. I found out from a loud-mouthed friend that she was very sad and upset that I’ve been ignoring her and blocking her ever since she dropped off my stuff. I found out that she purposely didn’t give me one of my things as well. She even always asks my friend to see my profile, or Instagram. I know this is all good news in my favor for getting her back and all, I just don’t know what to text her. I want to text her tomorrow, nothing about missing her, or relationship related. Just something saying I don’t hate her and the space is important, so she can understand why I am doing it. I am open to hanging out, and being my confident and funny self , but I would never act desperate or needy again. I’d remind her how awesome I am, and independent, and cool without her, etc. as mentioned in your 5 step plan. How should I go about texting her though? I am stuck on that, and would really appreciate your advice on that end. I can’t thank you enough!

  • liah June 7, 2014, 9:01 am

    hi again,

    maybe you’re right. i think i’ll give myself about 6 more months. i still need to change and be ready. I need to be more confident. But i have a huge problem. a few weeks ago, i have been sending some messages to his other facebook account (which he never opens by the way). that is the reason why i keep on sending all my thoughts and feelings for him on that account is because i know that he will never check it. then suddenly to my surprise, i saw that he opened the account and read my messages. all the things i feel and all my thoughts were in those messages. i;m afraid because of that, i blew my chances of getting him back. he never replied and he never texted me. i then texted him saying sorry because those messagaes were not meant to be read by him and i thought he would never open that fb account. i never received a reply. =( you think i still have a chance? what should i do then? =( help me please. i realy love this guy.

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 12:56 pm

      Hey Liah,

      A word of advice. Next time, use a diary. You know a part of you knew that there’s a small chance he will read it. And that part was hoping that when he reads it, he will get affected and perhaps want to get back together. But it didn’t work the way that part hoped. That’s the part that makes people needy and desperate after the breakup. You were able to control your actions, but that part somehow managed to make you look needy once again.

      It definitely was a step backwards. But, it didn’t really destroy your chances completely. I think you should do a few months NC to repair the damage.

  • Kat June 7, 2014, 1:39 pm

    Broke up with my ex about 6 weeks ago, had no contact for 2 weeks now.. I know in 2 months from now we’re probably both going to be invited to a mutual friend’s birthday party. I know thats more than 30 days away but I think I might need a bit more time to recover from the breakup.. Is the birthday party a good opportunity to get the first contact again, and how should I approach him in that kind of situation? Or should I start texting him before the party?

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 1:06 pm

      Start texting him before the party. If he is warm, then hang out with him at the party and have a good time with him. If he’s cold, then treat him like an acquaintance at the party.

  • Dave June 7, 2014, 4:09 pm

    Hey, some advice would be helpful.
    My wife and I have recently separated and we have 2 teenagers. She works out of town for two weeks then home for a week then gone again. We live together when she is home and was wondering if you have some insite into how to do this no contact when she returns considering we have kids and live in the same house. Its not a problem when she is gone but when she returns is my issue

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 1:19 pm

      Hey Dave,

      I’ve written about both the situations in the article above you.

  • YoYo June 9, 2014, 12:46 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    Thanks again, you have helped me a tremendous amount. I don’t think giving her an ultimatum would be wise in this situation judging from her previous actions. I found out from a loud-mouthed friend that she was very sad and upset that I’ve been ignoring her and blocking her ever since she dropped off my stuff. I found out that she purposely didn’t give me one of my things as well. She even always asks my friend to see my profile, or Instagram. I know this is all good news in my favor for getting her back and all, I just don’t know what to text her. I want to text her tomorrow, nothing about missing her, or relationship related. Just something saying I don’t hate her and the space is important, so she can understand why I am doing it. I am open to hanging out, and being my confident and funny self , but I would never act desperate or needy again. I’d remind her how awesome I am, and independent, and cool without her, etc. as mentioned in your 5 step plan. How should I go about texting her though? I am stuck on that, and would really appreciate your advice on that end. I can’t thank you enough!

  • Kay June 11, 2014, 2:29 am

    So I’m reading these articles and they are by far the most informative pieces on this topic…and a bit comical too, so I’m like who is this guy? ‘Kevin’ the name of the ex that I’m going through this for.

  • Philippa June 14, 2014, 11:16 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    Your advice is really helpful but I am finding it difficult to follow. I finally wrote my ex one last time today (kept messaging him every two weeks). I’ve decided not to contact him again until September and even kept a tally chart to help me with that. Relationships get so complicated.

  • John July 2, 2014, 11:49 pm

    Kevin, thank you for the info. My ex an I broke up almost a month ago. During that time we’ve had some contact, but I’m going to be switching to no contact as it hasn’t helped the one or two times I’ve poured my heart out to her. I think a lot of it just boils down to her not being ready. However, one thing that makes this situation complicated is that we work together. We don’t work in the same department, but we do work in the same building. How do you think it’s best to approach no contact since we will inevitably bump into each other, and do you think I have a shot at getting her back?

    • Kevin July 7, 2014, 10:39 am

      You do have a chance. I’ve written about work situations in this article.

  • Eric July 3, 2014, 12:53 am

    I’m thinking about implementing NC but right now doesn’t seem to be the right time. You see, my ex is about to undergo surgery next week and I am worried about her outcome. Should I let her know I’ll be praying for her and stick to only that, even if I am going to implement NC? The last thing I would want is for her to reflect on this and see that I “wasn’t there” when she needed it.

    • Kevin July 7, 2014, 10:42 am

      I think it’s OK to wish her best for the surgery and asking for the result. But keep it related to the surgery and don’t get emotional.

  • G July 3, 2014, 11:20 am

    Hi…

    I’m in an awkward situation. I started the NC rule about two weeks ago when I found my gf had lied to me. I saw her with her ex fiance.

    I started the no contact rule to move on, but she won’t leave me alone. Yesterday she came to my house and had to open up about what happened. We are 30 and 27 years old by the way. I’m not sure whether I should believe her story. She says that he is very close with her family and they communicate with him a lot because they want her to be with him, but she wants to be with me. Apparantly he told them that I am bad news to keep her from seeing me. She is asking that I understand her situation and that she wants to be with me but she needs to figure out how to keep her family from abandoning her.

    I was going strong for two weeks without any contact and now that she opened up she is continuing to contact me begging me to understand. I was the one who ended it two weeks ago.

    Is now a good time to start the no contact rule again? Is it even applicable in this situation? I’m not sure whether I believe this story because I caught her lying about having contact with him.

    Thank You

    • Kevin July 7, 2014, 10:45 am

      Hey G,

      If you want to be with her, you shouldn’t apply no contact at all. You can tell her to give you some space and take some time for herself to figure things out. But don’t do strict no contact. Try to minimize contact with her during that time and end it once she has figured things out.

      • G July 10, 2014, 3:59 pm

        She left for a month vacation to visit her sibling. She is using this as time to get away and figure it out. I told her I would appreciate my space and time for myself. It’s been a week with no contact and now she started calling and texting significantly. You mentioned to mimimize contact, but what kind of conversations should I be having at this point?

        • Kevin July 11, 2014, 9:13 am

          Well, don’t have any conversations. She is the one calling and texting you. So just answer her and talk to her about whatever she wants to talk about. Just don’t show any signs of neediness.

          • Louise July 13, 2014, 2:41 am

            I was with my ex for a year, I broke up with him in march after he had some issues.Then a month or so lately he got back in touch we met up after lots of friendly texting.we had a good time and I realised I had missed him and still cared. Then a week after he went cold and said he wanted to be alone.i just couldn‘t understand it.but then a friend of his told me he had started seeing someone, which he denied and said I was crazy. I also found out he cheated in our relationship. I haven‘t spoken to him in a month now. He even gave the other woman my number and she rang me to warn me against asking questions about her. I feel so hurt, betrayed… Yet I still miss him and want him back..I thought he was a good genuine person but I feel like I never knew him. I just can‘t get my head around things, and why did he come back just to discard me? He hasn’t contacted me and it’s been a month. Is there anything I can do? I’m not sure if I should contact him and pride is stopping me.

          • Kevin July 13, 2014, 11:46 am

            Hy Louise,

            You say you want him back and then you say that you have realized that he is not the good genuine person you thought he was. My question is, why would you want to be with a bad dishonest person? My guess is you are feeling rejected or perhaps used by him and you think getting back together is going to make you feel better. I’ll recommend you do NC for at least two months before you make the decision of getting back with him.

  • Run July 4, 2014, 6:29 am

    Hi Kevin & everyone, I’m 27 and my ex bf is 31.We were together for 5 years.He dumped me once in 2012.I begged,cried etc for a couple of month. I then went NC for a month,didn’t hear a thing from him either, then outta the blue, he contacted me,apologized etc and not long after we got back together.

    Almost 3 weeks ago he dumped me again. Emailed me he loves me etc but just want to keep in contact via email.I disagreed and he said don’t worry he’s not going to try, move on & he doesn’t love me anymore.I found out within the 1st week,he contacted a long lost female friend and has been talking to her heaps everyday.He said he felt happy talking to her.

    He deleted all my pics etc,but still email or text me once everyday briefly ie ‘gday hope you are well’. The female friend told me that he wants to concentrate on his life,work etc n not interested in any relationship but want to stay friend with me.He’s not interested in it anymore.I suggested to try get to know each other again,but he said it will not make any difference.He just want to go with the flow and let things happen naturally.What does he actually mean?

    Why does he only email me briefly asking how am i doing and no signs of wanting to have more proper conversation? Should I stay No contact or Limited contact? I feel devasted because he could spend hours everyday sharing everything with her. I’ve been calm and cool with the breakup and didn’t initiate contacts etc but he still is distant and doesn’t miss me. Is there no chance in gettin him back? No cheating were involved basically he felt unhappy too much fights because of my insecuties and controlling issues.Thanks heaps.

    • Kevin July 7, 2014, 10:51 am

      You should do no contact. Don’t worry about the other female. He probably feels good talking to her because of the novelty. Even if something develops with her, it’ll be a rebound. There’s a chance. Follow the 5 step plan.

      • Run July 9, 2014, 4:21 am

        Hi Kevin, Thanks for your reply. I snooped into his email the other day(like a crazy ex,i know it was wrong, and regretted it) and found that he’s been exchanging emails with a girl. I was shocked to see that they were talking about doing sexual stuff together.

        How could in less than a month of breaking up, he is already doing such things? Does it mean he has moved on completely? I feel used for 5years. He doesn’t even seem to mourn or grief.

        I’ve started doing No Contact for a week now. When he noticed I didn’t respond he started to send messages saying ‘am i wasting my effort and time to be friendly and stay in contact?’
        ‘do i have to stop contacting you and erase you from my life altogether because it’s rude to not reply at all’

        What confuse me is that he doesn’t want to have decent conversation, just a small gday here and there.

        I feel quite devastated and upset to see that he’s already out there for sex. Never seem like he was a player for the past 5years.

  • Sherly July 4, 2014, 9:13 pm

    Hi, I’m on my 4th day of NO-CONTACT rule. I’ve learned that giving an ultimatum to your ex during break-up is a big no-no and I should make an apologies to him. So did I. Is this considering breaking the NO Contact rule?

  • Anxious July 7, 2014, 4:38 am

    Hello Kevin, the advice that you provided has been very helpful and rational. So thank you for posting this up.

    My ex of 1 and a half years broke up with me over Facetime just over a week ago. We were in a somewhat long distance relationship I suppose (he lived an hour away in a different city) and both come from different backgrounds with different customs. We both didn’t mind the differences but I guess it got to him after. We had an argument which lead to the break up that was pertaining to why he didn’t sound happy with me lately when we were talking. I’ve applied the no contact rule and am currently waiting to see if he will reply. I’m, however, scared that he may be trying so hard to forget about me that he actually will. He’s deleted every account he has, removed all of our photos, telling me to not contact his family and remove his family on fb, change my relationship status, etc. Aside from this, he is a shy and introverted person who is stubborn and too proud. I don’t know if these characteristics and qualities about him might get in the way of him maybe contacting me. I’m at the stage where I don’t even know what to do. It’s very hard to move on from such a break up when I haven’t had proper closure.

    What would you recommend doing?

    • Kevin July 9, 2014, 9:35 am

      Hey,

      Even if he doesn’t contact you during NC or after NC, it doesn’t matter. You can contact him. NC will still work. You should do NC and follow the 5 step plan.

  • singlegirl July 7, 2014, 7:05 am

    Thank u so much Kevin. Its been 80 days and I must say I have moved on. I feel confident and beautiful and stronger.
    We had been together 3 years but this NC rule helped me think what the relationship was. Full of so much pain, disrespect, tears and insecurity .
    I never ever want to get back or b friends with my ex tho he texted me yesterday.
    I dont hate him anymore. But I dont care either.
    This really helped. I’ll always b grateful for this article

    • Kevin July 9, 2014, 9:39 am

      That’s amazing singlegirl. I am glad the website helped.

  • Jason July 7, 2014, 11:59 am

    Hi Kevin my ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. Determined to not make more mistakes I did no contact right away. So after about 20 days she contacted me saying ” hey how are you doing?” I did not answer. However the next day she contacted me again saying “Jason? So I didn’t want to be rude and replied with I’m good and hope you are well too. Anyway that was 10 days ago and its been a little over month since the breakup. So my question is should I text her now or should I essentialy wait another 20 days to contact her. What do you think? Thanks Kevin

    • Kevin July 9, 2014, 10:08 am

      You should text her now.

  • Darren July 8, 2014, 10:27 am

    Hi Kevin.
    Will try keep this as simple as possible. Me 33 and my partner 27 have been together for 7 years. We have a son of 6. In the last year we have grown apart. Mainly due to me being a typical man. Not listening, understanding, taking notice of her feelings and basically switching off to the family unit. I am aware of all this now but unfortunately its taken another man (her work colleague) in her life for me to realise. I appreciate I have messed up. I have been fighting for months to make it work and in the last 2 week we ended!
    We have a child and usually a great carry on but I feel I could have lost her forever. I really need some advise on this matter. Throughout the breakup, at times, I did become desperate although since the break I have mellowed. However, its the NC rule i’m struggling with. I need her to miss me but we have a child and will definitely see each other for the rest of our lives!
    I really want my family back
    Thanks

    • Kevin July 10, 2014, 9:34 am

      Hey Darren,

      I am sorry this happened to you. With a child in picture you have to keep minimum contact as written in the above article. And read the 5 step plan if you haven’t already.

      • Darren July 10, 2014, 10:55 am

        Hi Kevin,
        Thank you for your response. I have read the entire website, very helpful (I do hope it works) and even registered to your emails. Thus far, again very helpful.
        I just have a couple of issues that id really appreciate your help with.
        Firstly, if I wanted to speed up the process of her and him finishing. Do I make life easy for her to see him or hard? The reason I ask is that she has asked me to look after our child, and I know that it is so she can see him. I’m kind of thinking if she couldn’t be with him (or limited time with him) then she may think what’s the point, yet on the other hand. Do I let her have the time so that she can soon realise he isn’t for her?
        Secondly, she has asked me on a number of occasions, things like ‘How are you?’ Sometimes via text, or to my face. How do I respond should I not be expressing my feelings?
        Thank you in advance
        Darren

        • Kevin July 11, 2014, 8:27 am

          Hey Darren,

          If you try to make things hard for her, she is probably going to hold it against you and will think of you as immature and manipulative. So, I will recommend against that. Your answer to her questions should be upbeat and it shouldn’t show that you are struggling. However, don’t try to show her that the breakup doesn’t matter to you at all and you’ve completely moved on. You want to give the impression you are making progress in your life and you are slowly moving on. Only talk about the positive things in your life and not the negative.

          • Darren July 11, 2014, 8:47 am

            Thank you so much. I do wish I had your mobile number as I’d text you on the hour! 😉
            Need a tad more advice, sorry.
            The no contact does not seem to work but I think we could be making slight progress.
            She called me last night with uncontrollable crying, in short its because I haven’t been texting her back (clearly works and just after 2 days!). Again we have a child so it makes it very difficult, we also share a car too! I know I’m not making this easy. The great news is, is that she hasn’t seen this guy but they have spoken.
            I suppose what I’m asking is, I’m doing to NC when I can, but its proving difficult due to our situation and barely lasts a day and we will probably see each other 3 times a week due to the little one. I’m hitting the gym hard, eating well and at times have felt (only for a short while) that I’m in control of the situation.
            I need this girl and my family back in my life. But I’m scared that with minimal NC and the fact I see her several times a week (in short, being there too much) that I may push her away and bring back her bad memories of us.
            Please Kevin, tell me the right thing to do.
            Darren

  • Maryanne July 8, 2014, 5:27 pm

    Just wondering how long it normally takes to get an answer ? Thanksx

    • Kevin July 9, 2014, 9:24 am

      Hey Maryanne,

      Sorry but I can’t find your comment. It probably didn’t meet the guidelines. Do you mind posting again? Please read the comment guidelines before posting.

      • Maryanne July 10, 2014, 12:16 am

        Hi Kevin , its very long and complicated , I’ve been married 18 years with three girls, we have been sepersted for two years but never out if contact and in the last year more and more so including intimately , my husband has pursued my with contant declarations of undying love and desire to be together again , he has been working in another city he said he had had one night stands out if loneliness, it didn’t hurt me that much as I never doubted his live for me, I thought by now we would be back together, two months ago he got mad at me picked up a girl off tinder and two weeks later said he was totally over me had no desire to ever be with me again and was totally in love with her, this is the first relationship he has had , she literally moved into his hotel told him she is madly in live with him and will never leave him, she is my opposite even he admitted not prettier than me but fifteen years younger than I
        A week ago we spent four days away with the girls, there was a lot of sex affection arguments and lots of tears from him , he lied to her about being there with me, he cheated on her with me , he also texted with her and got very cold everytime he did, she was stalking my social media wanting to know why I was posting pictures of the holiday he was on with his kids… So is he over me? Does he still love me? Can I get him back?

        • Kevin July 11, 2014, 7:04 am

          He is definitely not over you and he probably still loves you. That new girl is just a phase and it’ll hopefully pass with time. It’s important that you don’t sleep with him while he is with her. And you should apply no contact as well (how to handle no contact with kids is written in the above article). I think you have a fairly good chance of getting him back. But of course, you should make yourself mentally prepared for the worst during no contact.

          • Maryanne July 11, 2014, 7:41 am

            Thank you Kevin, he went round telling all my family and his that he is totally over me and yet acted in a completely conflicted “not over you” manner around me privately you know that classic Shakespeare line ” he doth protest too much” that’s how it makes me feel. Such as the multiple text I have received tonight prior to me seeing him this weekend which all pertain to a kiss I sent where he goes on to suggest I think something is going to happen, my reply was maybe it means nothing maybe it means your loss , clearly my flippancy was aggravating him but at this point I feel I am worth a hundred of her so I will not chase him , it will be the opposite to what he is expecting and getting three am texts from him after he ignores my calls tells me he is not in a happy place despite all his constant declarations of love for her , which is just cruel baiting isn’t it? , I get text with kisses from him then others saying don’t call me honey .. Apparently there are two of him and I only want one of them .. Tonight in reply to the barrage of texts insinuating I think something will happen this weekend I just said ” I’m in a good mood go away” not nice but not pathetic, I will not hang around tomorrow night I will leave , he will expect me to want to stay , should I tell him that I want to stay with him but not till he asks me then leave ?

          • Kevin July 12, 2014, 7:11 am

            No, don’t tell him that. Just let him know that you will not be with him as long as he is with the other girl. Set boundaries. Tell him you need time to deal with the breakup and till then you can only talk to him on topics related to the kids and nothing personal.

          • Maryanne July 12, 2014, 8:45 am

            Oh well it seemed like it was all going well till he started acting like I stank or have a disease pushed me away from him, I guess I didn’t handle the rejection so well I just walked out , it caused a big fuss he sent me lots of messages about me ruining everything swearing at me saying how he’s not with me and so on . So I guess no contact won’t be hard as I feel like I’ve made such a mess that he will never want to speak to me . Oh dear I’m afraid I am too open hearted and struggle to hide how I feel . I guess people who can play games do better at this than someone like me ..

          • Maryanne July 16, 2014, 5:10 am

            Hi Kevin I have tried to keep contact to a minimum I do find it hard as at least most days I will get a “have a great day xxx” or hi x then possibly something like a conversation about me being an amazing cook via email because I posted something on Instagram I cooked, he sent me a message about not wanting to see me if I was being pushy or upset I replied define upset ,since as long as my husband who I love dearly is with someone else and not in live with me there will be a level of ” upset” therefore I suggested I would rather cease all further contact and mourn the loss of my true love , to this he said ” I never said I didn’t live you but I love another ” and that he wants to see me but if he touches me or holds my hand he will feel uncomfortable because he will feel like he’s cheating …and yet we stood in the middle of a crowded park on Sunday and he suddenly held me for an extended embrace .. Then later asked me to move out of photos he was taking … I do believe he will drive me mad with confusion
            So my questions are is he missing me or sorry for me? When he keeps texting .. And is he uncomfortable because he wants me back as well as feeling guilty .. Ironic really because I’m the wife so I’m being cheated on not her.. You would think after 21 years I could read him but I fear I want texts with xxx to mean everything but they may easily just be pity . I will have to deliver girls again this weekend part of me wants to deliver them looking totally fabulous again the other part wants to stop at a distance and send them on their own and turn away and refuse to come near .. Which will have more impact ? How on earth do I make this other girl loose significance ??

          • Christopher August 23, 2014, 12:37 pm

            Kevin can you pretty please help me out with my situation. I have learned a lot from subscription to your Web site. I will not go into my entire story because it will take to long. But me and my gf broke up. She broke up with me. She said I hurt her so bad, she had a lot of jealous issues with other people talking to me. Anyways I was hospitalized and having a procedure done, called a picc line for special antibiotics because I am extremely sick. She was not allowed to come in and seen other nurses talking with me during the procedure. She came into the room afterwards and said it’s over Chris you can have your nurse. Unbelievable and ddistressing I did not ever in my life think she would leave me in the hospital. Long story short I almost died in the hospital because loss of blood. We have broken up about 16 days now. I am still recovering from a horror surgeries but I’m strong and positive. Well I was doing research and come to your site and I have been trying the no contact rule. I didn’t contact her for 5 days but then I screwed up. I sent her one message saying baby I’m still inlove with you and I know you are inlove with me too. “. She replied with the following exact words . I never denied that and I know too that if it took me 5 yrs. to open my heart again, this time will be longer or maybe never again. I’m so hurt by you that I’m not even worry to think about it “I thought that was a positive response, so like an idiot I responded back saying,”I’m sorry I hurt you and I would love to be forgiven and we are true love. I will text you later. So what do I do now? She didn’t respond no more and I didn’t text or call her starting today for 1day. Did I screw up the NC? I only said I still love her. Do you think her response was positive reply or am I wrong? I don’t know how to handle this bc I love her so much. I just don’t know how she thinks I hurt her so bad. I’m confused about that. I was in pain when I was in that room getting a picc line. I’m not sure how her mind thinks. But what do you suggest to do to get her back?? Also my car is still at her place and all my clothes. She broke up with me in the hospital and I’m recovering in a nursery home for special antibiotics treatment. Can you tell me whst to do? And do you think I have a chance from her response up top I gave you??? Thank you kevin. I want to know if you think its too late or do i just do NC right again? Im thinking she replied because she still is inlove with me. Let me know your thoughts?.

          • Kevin August 27, 2014, 12:27 pm

            You should continue no contact and you definitely have a chance. I think whatever was going on, she must’ve been pretty stressed and emotionally unstable to leave you in that situation. And if that’s true, giving both of you time and space is the best thing you can do.

  • Really Trying July 9, 2014, 4:53 pm

    I’m 18. He’s 21. We were together a month and a half.

    Eleven days into No Contact and he is texting me. First message, sent yesterday, was an apology for the circumstances of the breakup (but no indication he wants to rekindle things). I didn’t respond. Second message, sent today, he said, “Did I make it worse? :/”

    I still need time away from him. But because the messages came somewhat frequently, I am considering responding with the “I just need more time alone” bit. Just wondering: How do I tell him — through a call or a text message? I’m guessing text, but want to be sure.

    Thanks.

    • Kevin July 11, 2014, 1:36 am

      I’ll recommend text.

  • Dominik July 10, 2014, 9:23 am

    Hey!

    I had a relationship for 3.5 years. A beautiful one. my girlriend and I were on distance. We would see eaach other every 3 months, and spend 4-5 days together, sometimes even more. we had a great relationship, never fight, pure love, respect, longing, something really beautiful. we re both 26. 2 months ago she got a new college. he was fun, and seducing her from the start. she fell on his charm. and was slightly starting to cool off from me, and she told me when we saw alive that she wants to break up with me beacuse everything is as it was great in her head and towards me as a person but her feeling somehow shuted down for me in the last month. she did not have the strenght to admit she got inloved in a new guy. now she publicly showed it on Facebook. i found strength to be a gentleman to the end, finished our contact, all though she wanted friendhsip. i am in no contact for almost 2 weeks. this guy and here will (even if they stand 3 months) have to go to distance because she Works on the sea and he too, and they will each other return to their homes in the winter. i am broken, but i Know she i s not that bad person, i had similar tests in 3.5 years but i was able to stay faithfull. this guy will just play around with her, and i am sure she ll compare us and see i am bettter. i have a great friend i am movin on with his help , he adviced me no contact, and i want to be reaady to be without her. also even if she wants to be with me i want to put her on test because after this happened it has to be tested. if she can have me back just like taht, then i am wrong. i need someadvices for what to do after no contact. i am not seeing here pictures not Know anything about her. how long can this romance last? what if she is teh love of my life? and most importanly how much does she thinks about me all this time? especiall when this guy is not like to here as i was? they work in the same shift in teh same room for 8 hours plus spend time privately. so they ll get overdosed from it sooner or later. i need some good tips. hit me

    🙂

  • Zandi July 10, 2014, 1:05 pm

    Hi Kevin

    My ex told me he cares about me, our chemistry is awesome and that when he’s with me the world disappears and he feels happy but he doesn’t want a relationship with me. I was taken back but accepted him leaving me with grace. When he told me we’ll stay friends I thought he was just saying that but he turns out he actually meant it. My problem is I still love him and deep down I hope we’ll get back together but I’m not willing to cling to false hope and want to move on. I’m finding this hard to do because he keeps texting me. How do I execute the No Contact rule without being rude and not reply when he contacts me. The breakup was amicable and I know part of the reason he keeps contacting me is to make sure I’m okay so I really don’t want to be rude. If it makes a difference I’m he’s in his mid-20’s and I just turned 30 and we were together for less than two months and this is our second breakup the first one was nasty but we missed each other and both made effort to communicate better but I guess the damage was done already.

    • Kevin July 11, 2014, 8:56 am

      Tell him you need time to deal with the breakup and hopefully you can be friends when you are ready. It won’t be rude.

      • Zandi July 12, 2014, 3:15 am

        Thanks Kevin. I told him and he was shocked he asked me if I was sure if this is the right option and when I said yes, he then told me he respects my decision.

        My last question to you (I promise 🙂 ) is: what is it really that men want from a relationship? He obviously has respect and consideration for me and from what he told me (ref. initial question) what do you speculate as the reason he wouldn’t want a relationship with me? I would think those very things would make him want a relationship or could be because I’m older than him?

        Ps: he had also told me he believes me but doesn’t trust me.
        I know since we are on good terms I could ask him but I’m too embarrassed – there’s something pathetic and desperate about asking someone “why don’t you want/love me?”

        • Kevin July 13, 2014, 11:05 am

          Hey Zandi,

          It’s hard to say why he broke up with you. It could be because of the age difference. It could be because he lost attraction. Or perhaps he has some commitment/trust issues. Everyone is different. So it’s hard to pinpoint what really caused the breakup for him.

          And you know what, even if you gather the courage to ask someone that, you probably won’t get the truth.

          • Zandi July 27, 2014, 1:52 pm

            Hi Kevin

            I’m breaking my promise :p. So I broke the NC rule last week (after 9 days). I missed him and felt a need to chat with him. I also felt strong enough to deal with him.

            I’ve come to terms with the breakup and actually feel happy and strong. I’ve followed your advise. This whole month I’ve been focused on my life and my goals for this year are bearing fruit which is something that has also been keeping me happy. I changed my hair and even tweezed my brows (which I never did before). Since I’ve been focusing on me I hardly think of my ex and was pleasantly surprised to hear from him last night. (Although I broke the NC last week, I didn’t contact him this whole week.)

            He shocked me by telling me he misses me. I found it hard to say the words back to him because truth be told I’ve been too busy to miss him or think about him so I confessed I didn’t know what to say to that. He said that’s okay I don’t need to say anything then nervously asked me to his birthday party this coming weekend. I agreed and asked if I could bring a friend. He asked if it was a male or female, I said female and he said okay. Found out today that none of my friends are available so I’ll be going alone.

            Question time:
            1) It’ll be my first time meeting his friends, save for his two best friends, and I have a reserved personality so:
            -do you have tips on how to handle the party now that I’ll be going alone
            2)Should I buy him a gift? One of my friends suggested I go to the party first and suss out the vibe between us then buy a belated gift based on that.
            3)How should I dress? At the risk of sounding narcisstic, I’m often described as hot and sexy (even tough I’m in jeans and flats like all the time). Plus everyone always remarks about my “bedroom” eyes and “naughty” smile. My ex used to call me damn beautiful. When I enter a room men do stare and women often pull their men closer. It’ll be my first experience with his friends and I don’t want the women to be envious of me but at the same time I do want him to take his breath away so:
            -should my outfit maximize the “hotness/sexiness” regardless of how the women may react or should I down play it? (I have a perfect hour-glass figure so sexy is easy to achieve for me.

  • Natasha July 13, 2014, 9:57 am

    Ex and I broke up after 2 years we were in love and I truly believe we still are mostly did everything together but still had freedom between each other. I tried to agree with him for awhile about breaking up then got needy once the next couple of days and he made it clear we’d never be together again. The decision for the breakup put a lot of pressure on him. He says he loves me but can’t see me because it will bring feelings but were done for good? Not sure what to do since his mind seems pretty made up also started no contact 3 weeks ago

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 12:07 pm

      Contact him after one week using the methods described in this article.

      • Natasha July 13, 2014, 12:17 pm

        I’ve also heard about him getting drunk and being very disrespectful towards girls which is a turn off for me but I wonder why he’s suddenly acting that way

  • Kevin July 13, 2014, 2:42 pm

    Kevin,

    I tried to post about my situation a few days ago and hadn’t seen it hit the board. Was my post too long and/or not approved??

    Thanks
    Kevin

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 6:59 am

      Hey,

      I guess it must’ve been deleted if it was too long. You can post again here.

      • Kevin July 14, 2014, 9:44 am

        Breaking this into two parts…

        Hey Kevin,
        As some background, my ex-girlfriend and I admittedly have some baggage. I was in a poor marriage when we met last September, we talked a lot and became close over the next few months, my now ex-wife discovered our relationship in late December, we were divorced by March, and ultimately my ex and I weren’t deterred and moved right into a serious relationship together until she broke up with me in late May. I also have a daughter which has complicated things between us as well along with the fact I’m 29 and my ex is 22.

        So, in mid-to-late May we had our first real fight, she didn’t respond well, and she proceeded to go dark for a week. I tried getting in touch with her for the first few days but eased up as the week went along. Finally, she contacted me and wanted to talk. She came over to my place and we proceeded to talk for over two hours. She essentially said she didn’t know how to deal with the guilt she felt over breaking up my daughter’s family, had numerous other issues she hadn’t dealt with due to her introverted nature, and knew if she stayed with me she wouldn’t deal with anything because I made her happy leading her to ignore those issues. It sucked but I handled it as well as I could. I promised her I’d give her space and she was insistent that no matter what I’d always have her as my best friend.

        For the next week and a half I sent her just two text messages, didn’t hear back on either, and left it at that. On Sunday June 8th, she broke her no contact to tell me she’d been thinking about me, she missed me, and just wanted to let me know she’d moved into her new place. I kept the conversation light that evening and felt good about the situation. She continued to contact me for the next couple days and I did a good job of keeping it pretty light even though we were already getting into conversations about not getting over one another and talking about eating together and/or seeing a movie the next week. But on Thursday evening after a couple beers I got frustrated, talked about not being together, was told this is exactly what she was worried about if we started talking again, and she went to bed. I figured after that conversation I wouldn’t hear from her again for a few days. That Friday evening, I went to dinner with my parents and my ex came walking up to the same restaurant on a date with another guy. I didn’t handle it well, stupidly confronted she and the guy, and they left.

        • Kevin July 14, 2014, 9:45 am

          Part 2…

          Someone should have taken my phone at that point because for the first time since everything happened I went on a texting spree. She ultimately texted back, told me she owed me an explanation, apologized that I had to see that, but wished I gotten some background information on the situation before making a fool out of her and that the “date” as she put it was a church date to talk about me and a lot of the guilt she’d been dealing with recently. She told me to have a good night, but I was still mad and stupidly texted and called once to the point where she told me I was scaring her and wanted me to leave her alone.

          Since that night I’ve progressively texted her less and less even though I’ve been incredibly frustrated that she wouldn’t provide me some kind of closure when I’ve asked her to please just tell me she wants me out of her life if she didn’t think I could a part of it. Finally, last Tuesday, I reached out to her for the first time in a week to ask her if she wanted my cat she loves to death that I can’t keep anymore. She responded instantly, we talked briefly about the cat situation, she made it clear she didn’t want to chat, but I still took the opportunity to reiterate my desire to have some kind of closure if she didn’t want me as a friend anymore. She said maybe eventually but she just couldn’t right now. I asked if it was because she was just that mad at me still and she simply said yes and wished she could be left alone right now. I said okay, that’s the least I could do after embarrassing her, apologized again for hurting her, and told her if she needed anything let me know. She said thanks and we left it at that.

          She didn’t stay quiet for long though as she made contact with me again Saturday texting me a picture of an inside joke. I was polite and responded intermittingly since I was out with friends and left it at that. She contacted me again on Sunday and again I was polite and kept it light. Eventually I shared news with her that my-ex wife was already engaged to someone else which I thought she’d be happy to hear about. Instead, she seemed more concerned with how I found out and how much I was talking to my ex-wife. I’d say the response felt pretty territorial. The conversation eventually died down and I wasn’t about to push her to talk more.

          I guess after hearing about this train wreck is it worth giving the 30 day no contact strategy a try? Or do you think too much damage has already been done these past few weeks? Thanks Kevin!

          • Kevin July 17, 2014, 9:46 am

            Hey Kevin,

            Given the fact that she is already contacting you and is being territorial, I think you have a good chance. You can do 30 day no contact. If she contacts you, you can tell her you need some time and space to deal with the breakup. I think limited contact will also work in your situation, i.e. only answer if she contacts you and keep it short. Your choice.

  • Ruth July 14, 2014, 7:12 pm

    After we broke up, I did almost a month of no contact, then we resumed contact as friends (though I secretly hoped we might get back together) and even met up once, but I got fed up with being the one to initiate communication most of the time, etc… so I told him about 2 weeks ago that I cannot be friends with him right now because I still have feelings for him. I made it sound like we might never communicate again, though I did mean it because I wasn’t sure if I was just going to try to move on for good or not. Well, right now, I really miss him in my life (even as a friend). I figure I will contact him again in the future, but I want to get over him first. Being “friends” with him too soon was preventing me from moving on and I didn’t like that I would check up on his social media sites, make assumptions about him not wanting to talk to me based on my own perceptions of things (which sometimes turned out to be wrong), etc… so I decided to cut contact again so I could re-focus on myself and really heal. How long do you think I should maintain NC for now that I am back in it? He broke up with me 3 months ago now. And how should I break the ice should I decide later to get back in touch?

    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 10:59 am

      Hey Ruth,

      Like I said in my last comment, if you want to move on, you should not try to be friends with him. Not at least you’ve completely moved on. That means until you are absolutely sure you don’t want to get back together with him. That’s when you will be ready to be friends with him. When you decide to get back in touch with him, you can just send him a simple text or give him a call. Since you will be trying to be friends with him, you shouldn’t think too much about what you are saying. If you have to think and analyze before texting him, then you aren’t really trying to be friends with him.

      • Ruth July 18, 2014, 2:02 am

        Thanks for the advice, Kevin! I guess you are right… and I still have hopes for more than just friendship with him. Do you think I still have a chance (it’s been 3 months since the break-up), and how long should I go NC for during this 2nd round of NC if that is the case? It’s been 2 weeks so far.

  • Jonathan July 15, 2014, 7:43 am

    Hey! The girl that I was dating for several months decided to stop seeing me as she wasn’t sure if I was the one (I guess!) despite having great time with me. After that I decided to go in to full NC with her and when I saw her once or twice during this time – I cut the converstion short and moved on. Until one day, she came to a place I usually hang out to see me – we spoke a bit, initially i didn’t give in much despite some of her questions that were trying to find out if I am still interested etc. At the end of the night, I offered her a lift home, all the time acting cool until she told me she wants to speak to me.

    She asked me if I dated anyone in meantime – I told her that I did and she went mad at that. On the other hand, she was telling me that she’s not sure she wants to be with me. I told her that I am open to try again with her (i think it was a mistake!) – she told me that she’s not sure and she will see me when she wants to/desides rather than agreeing a new date. Since then I contacted her 2 days later, the conversation went fine but no result in meeting her again, although I didn’t ask her out directly…

    Despite having a date in between I do think a lot about her and would like to try again with her. The question is – should I go NC all over again or try contact her one more time and ask directly to meet? I don’t know if the dating some other girl might have push her back a bit or I should make an effort here.

    P.S she admits that she’s not stable in emotions with me – I guess the bad experience from the last relationship might have helped here… sorry for the long text…

  • janey July 16, 2014, 3:18 am

    I messed my man dumped me on may 28th on text and it hurt after having a big fight and i ended up saying some mean bad words to him thou i apologized immediately coz i realized it was mean of me.
    Nwa for a whole month i plead and begged for him to forgive me and take me back and if not taking me back just to give me a chance we have a sit down i apologize face to face but nothing every time i tried to communicate he would say he needs time. he wouldn’t respond to any form of communication txt, email or calls.
    so after a while i went and picked my house key from him and to after a whole month of apologizing i texted and told him he has won and i shall leave him in peace and ever since then iv never communicated. its been two weeks now since any form of comm from my side and i miss him everyday and its so hard not communicating but so far so good and i still want him back, the problem was i think for the month i was emotional unstable and in the confusion of the break up, am scared i may have pushed him more away than bringing him closer. what do i do or how can i win him back because i really want to be with him forever.
    how do i win him back, please advice best way.
    how effective is the no contact rule if initially after the break up you begged and pleaded for forgiveness for a whole month and he still dint want to talk but after that you pulled off completely??
    its exactly 1month 15 days from the break up but its been 23 days since when i backed up and stopped any form of comm but 2days ago i bumped into him he said hi said hi back, he asked how am doing i said fine. and continued with where i was going.
    pls advice really miss him and want to try win him back…

  • Daisy July 16, 2014, 12:24 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I was in love with this guy for two years and suddenly last year he started finding faults with me and our fights escalated to the extent that he considered me a liar and would not trust anything i said at all. I tried my level best but it was of no use, it was as if he had made up his mind to dump me. He called it quits in March this year but got in touch with me in last week of April to get some work done- now when he got in touch he was behaving exactly the way he behaved when we started going out-talking on the phone all the time, meeting up everyday although he maintained his physical distance but he wanted to always talk to me.. It seemed as if things would get better but mid May things again spiraled down to him accusing me and again those fights. He went silent for two months this time and its July but no news of him. I did message him once or twice .. no weepy messages but simple how are you messages to which I got no reply.
    I know I might sound needy and desperate but I truly love him. Could you please help me understand why he is behaving like this? Will he ever come back to me? Please help me.
    Regards,
    Daisy

  • jamaal July 16, 2014, 5:48 pm

    hi kevin, i was wondering if the no contact rule applies if my ex who broke up with me told me to never contact her again. the girl i love and been with for over 2 years told me last week that she doesnt want to be with me and doesnt love me anymore, she also said she doesnt want me to ever contact her again. usually we argue and she tells me to not contact her, i always end up texting her first and she forgives me but this time i did not contact her for 3 days which is the longest no contact i had with her since we been together but i missed her so much and ended up texting her and she told me to not contact her ever again. So now iv decided to not contact her for 3 weeks but will it work in my situation because my ex herself said she doesnt want me to contact her?

    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 11:37 am

      Yes, it’ll work.

  • kate July 20, 2014, 8:29 am

    Hi Kevin, me again,

    i have written a letter to my ex since i messeged you, we are still in the no contact period, we broke up officialy now a week ago and i think he will still be quite angry ( from me drunkenly cheating on him) the letter talks about me missing him and wanting to try and get out trust back in time, do i send the letter at all? if so when? i dont think we will ever get out of the no contact period unless i initiate it,

    Thanks, Kate

    • mike July 25, 2014, 8:34 am

      Hey Kate,

      I m in somewhat of the same situation and its only been a day of no contact so far… can you tell me when you are thinking about sending the letter. I was thinking about waiting three weeks to a month to send it.

      Thanks

  • bony July 21, 2014, 8:24 am

    hey kevin,
    I recently had a broke up with my boyfriend, he said he dosent love meh anymore and we will never again can be with each other, the reason is because of meh, i was the one who acted needy and desparate like i wont be able to live without him, everytime we had fights, i would say i would walk in the middle of the road and all those stuffs that contains negative mind, so after all this,he felt stuck and wanted to leave meh, he said i killed all his love he had for meh and he will never ask meh back again, after a day later i asked him sorry and wanted him to back because i knew how crazy i was and so i asked him a chance for us to be together and he then he says he dosent love meh and he is seeing someone else and he is happy, he said he will never love me again and i got angry and told him something vulger like” f*** off, you dont kno what it is to be hurt, and dont text meh again” he after that he dint text me any more, i dont see any possible way of him coming back, we are in a distance relationship and its almost 6 months ,he left my place 3 months ago, we often fought but there was no problem about the distance, we never mentioned about it, im tensed, i love him and i want him because we were quite having a good connection, he has kinda good attitude, please let meh kno the possible ways that will help… im not sad about the break up but it was nice having him in my life so i want him… please help me out. 🙂

  • Daisy July 22, 2014, 10:27 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Could you please advise me regarding my situation? I don’t know who else to turn for help. I had posted my problem a few days back. Thank a lot.

    Regards,
    Daisy

  • Amy July 24, 2014, 2:28 pm

    Hi! So I wrote on here a couple months ago about my girlfriend and how she left very suddenly after over a year and I originally freaked out for 2 months. Then you advised I do no contact. I listened. Well, 2 months later, SHE CAME BACK TO ME. After going through a 4 1/2 month break up, we both learned, matured, grew, and have a MUCH healthier view on what a relationship should be!! Happier than ever!!!

    • mike July 25, 2014, 8:26 am

      Hi Amy,

      You didn’t contact her at all during those two months of no contact? What if she contacted you? You still remained silent?

    • pragya August 24, 2014, 7:14 pm

      Congratulation

  • Jessica July 29, 2014, 9:33 pm

    After a month of no contact (EXACTLY one month), I heard a knock at my window and there was my ex with a bouquet of roses. It was so unreal.. I have a feeling that he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Thank you so much Kevin.

  • Devesh August 6, 2014, 5:15 am

    What if my ex-gf doesn’t contact me after the no-contact rule?? Shall i call her? Because my breakup was a disaster and she even told me that she is not atal interested in me… I tried nagging, begging but didn’t worked out.

  • Aphro August 10, 2014, 9:39 pm

    What about if your birthday falls in between those 30 days?! Shouldn’t I expect him to contact me if I meant anything to him at all? And two if he does should I respond at all acknowledging his reaching out?! Thanks.

    • Kevin August 13, 2014, 10:57 am

      If he does, you should acknowledge it but keep the conversation short. A short thank you is enough.

  • ailana August 10, 2014, 10:31 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My husband is throwing my birthday party this Wednesday before taking an outer island vacation with his “friend” (as he calls her) on the weekend. We have a child and blended financial issues as well as a very long personal history including highly intertwined family relationships. No contact is very difficult emotionally as well as literally, I do want my husband back though so I’m sure it can be achieved with much effort and creativity if it is what needs to be done, any suggestions?

    • Kevin August 13, 2014, 10:59 am

      Well, I think No Contact is especially important in this much convoluted relationships. Perhaps, the reason you want him back is because you feel you can’t have a life without him. And maybe you will feel different once you start to have a life without him. If you don’t, you are free to contact him after no contact. But I still think it’s important.

      • ailana August 14, 2014, 1:21 pm

        Thank you. Actually I have loved my husband for over 18 years now and never stopped wanting him but since I have begun to make personal changes I do know that life without him wont kill me. My birthday party went well and I will be starting no contact today or at least limited, business only contact.

    • Hannah August 26, 2014, 2:27 am

      Hey mads I am a girl myself and my bf has been ignoring me for quite a while which has been driving me crazy. He doesn’t pick my calls or answers my texts or reply to my fb messages. He only talks ti me when he is online and usually when I ask him about his ignorance behaviour, he just says he is busy, which he is but still doesn’t he have like two seconds to just answer one important call. I used to cry, and think shout what could have went wrong until I started the no contact rule. When I am on fb I can no control myself when I see him online, I have tried doing the no contact rule many times but with my fb on I can’t do it, so I deactivated my account, turned my phone off, and I barley use skype, and surprisingly he sent me a message on skype yesterday I was soo excited I was abt to reply but then I stooped myself. So the no contact really does work. I would say stick to it for at least a month I no it’s hard but trust me bro ull end up feeling so much better. I have actually learned to control myself more now, I never feel like callin him now. Everytime I contacted him I would feel like m dropping my self respect and boosting his ego and since I had no control over ,yield beleive it or not I would call him over 50 times in ine night and one time he told me on skype that he is usually busy and that I bother him a lot. It’s almost been a week for me, I would redo and sticking to it for at least a month.

      Good luck 🙂

  • Mads August 11, 2014, 9:51 pm

    I’ve chased her after she broke up. Found out another guy. There are signs of rebound althou hes an old friend.
    I have been, (before reading about the no-contact rule), not calling her or sending messages, but she has been doing it and i always replied. Lately she even said i could call her more often. That even if she was occupied she’d call back.
    Should i keep on with the no contact rule or letting her chase while i pickup is ennough?
    Ps: She called twice 3 days ago. saw caller id. and then i got two private calls. i’m sure it was her. Your opinion please?

  • Mads August 19, 2014, 6:49 pm

    What if she messages me:
    “Hi…you know, i’m dissapointed because you haven’t been talking to me…
    for someone who wanted to be my friend that’s very bad. if you didn’t want to have anything with me you could have just said and not do what you did, wich is ignoring.
    i think that is very imature of you”

    note: Started no contact 4th august; calls ignored 2 maybe 4; Messages: 1 saying “hi” not counting with this one.

    I felt the urge as i saw the word ” IMATURE”. I know i got to her. I’m in her mind.
    But, can the silence be hurting my chances if she thinks i’m being imature?

    What or should i even reply?

    • Kevin August 20, 2014, 12:42 pm

      You can just tell her that you need some space and time to deal with the breakup before you can be friends with her.

      • Mads August 22, 2014, 7:24 am

        I couldn’t do so in the moment or any awnser would be telling in her mind that i was being imature.
        Kevin, thing is we broke up in january, and kinda broke up in june.
        Should i call or leave a text?
        Thank you for your help, seriously.

      • Mads August 22, 2014, 7:47 am

        I am questioning your reply, because the secondary objective of no contact is to stay in her mind as long as possible, remove the bad image of me and create the missing effect, leave only good memories. I want this.
        I do not want to awnser to make myself feel good.
        Puting this at the table, should i still say what i am doing, wont that remove the effect of no contact?

        Thanks allot!

      • Mads August 22, 2014, 8:10 am

        My sincere apologies for tripple reply. It’s just that i’m so nervous because i’ve read all RRW from Ryan Rivers and your website and questions arrise.
        I’m supposed to be the one who takes this friendship thing better than she does acording to what i’ve learned.
        If i do say i need space, won’t it get screwed up?

        Again, apologies for tripple post, allot of intel from your help, please awnser them all in one, thank you very much =)

  • nyabash August 22, 2014, 11:42 am

    hi Kevin, i have a question while im doing my no contact,my ex texted me apologizing about the way things ended.but he said the reason he was apologizing was because”he didn’t want to have to meet me somewhere and have a grudge with me.” what should i do? what do you make of this?
    thanks

    • nyabash August 25, 2014, 11:17 am

      hi kelvin over this past days he has been calling me and asking me to talk to him he even sent me a text about something serious which i replied to but kept it to that and nothing personal.but know he keeps asking me if ill ever talk to him again? what should i do?

      • Kevin September 4, 2014, 10:06 am

        Next time he calls, just tell him you need some time and space right now and you will contact him after some time.

        • Nyabash September 15, 2014, 7:43 am

          Hi Kevin so I did what you said but then he sent me a message saying he bought me a shoe and if I’m not in town he can mail to me. He even sent me a picture of it? What should I do now? Thanks.

          • Kevin September 16, 2014, 11:26 am

            That’s a good sign. Tell him that you can’t accept any gifts from him right now as you need some space and time. Perhaps when you are ready to talk to him, you can take it from him. Then continue no contact.

      • Nyabash September 13, 2014, 3:52 am

        Hi kelvin could please help me understand the apology he made that I’ve posted above??
        Thank you.

        • Kevin September 13, 2014, 9:38 am

          You are over-thinking it. It just meant what he said it meant. It doesn’t have any hidden meaning. He doesn’t want to have any negative feelings between you two. It doesn’t mean he is moving on and it also doesn’t mean that he wants you back. Stop analyzing it.

          • Nyabash September 13, 2014, 4:07 pm

            Thanks kelvin but I have one last question so you mean to say that you can tell from his apology he doesn’t want me back? So I should just stop the no contact and move on ?
            Thank you.

          • Kevin September 14, 2014, 5:44 am

            Hey,

            No I meant that you cannot determine from his apology whether or not he wants you back.

          • Nyabash September 17, 2014, 3:24 pm

            Hi Kevin so I did what you told me about the shoe situation and continued the no contact but today he sent me a long message saying that he can’t keep waiting until the day I decide to talk to him and he’s going to delete my number so he’s not inclined to text me when it doesn’t lead to anything . He’s also been just sending me other messages saying he misses me so much but I didn’t reply. So should I continue the no contact?

          • Kevin September 18, 2014, 6:49 am

            Continue no contact. If he keeps on messaging (for the next one week) tell him that your intention is not to hurt him but to gain some perspective on your life and you need some time and space for yourself. Hope he understands.

          • Nyabash September 18, 2014, 8:24 pm

            Hi Kevin,
            I only have one week left before the 30 days . So should I extend and do more weeks ?
            Thanks

          • Kevin September 20, 2014, 8:18 am

            Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan.

          • Nyabash September 20, 2014, 10:12 am

            Hi kelvin , I have read step 4.so that means you want me to contact him and not do more than 30 days right?
            Thanks

          • Kevin September 22, 2014, 9:43 am

            If you feel confident, and you’ve accepted that even if you don’t get him back you’ll be OK, then you should do only 30 days. If not, do 45 days.

          • Nyabash September 23, 2014, 9:09 pm

            Hi kelvin I was reading about the best way to contact your ex back but I was wondering is sending him a picture of you a good way to start or no?
            Thank you

          • Kevin September 24, 2014, 10:47 am

            No. Just send a text or use the letter or email.

  • Lucy August 30, 2014, 1:29 pm

    Hey Kevin
    I posted a comment with my story but it didn’t seem to work. It didn’t pop up under the comment section.
    Thanks lucy

  • Maddy September 3, 2014, 5:56 pm

    I really see now how the no contact rule can help but I have one problem that is not talked about her my ex is moving to another state in 3 months.. For a better life and school reasons..

    • Kevin September 4, 2014, 9:45 am

      You have enough time to end no contact and get back in touch before she moves. Do NC for one month, get back in touch and try to build up attraction before she leaves. Although, long distance relationships are hard and you should be prepared for the worst.

  • Steph September 7, 2014, 12:44 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I’m 19, my ex is 21. We broke up about a little less than a week ago after dating 3 months.

    Before I came to this site, I broke the no-contact rule and called him a few days after the break up saying its hard without him.

    Then a couple days after I called he texted me saying he’s been depressed and can barely work.

    Then I stupidly getting my hopes up offered for us to go to lunch tomorrow.

    Now that I read your advice I feel as if I should cancel, right? But im not sure what to say without it coming off sad or strange.

    • Kevin September 8, 2014, 11:36 am

      Go for the lunch if you think you can handle it without looking needy and clingy. If you think you can’t cancel it. If you go, don’t talk about getting back together and don’t let him realize that you want him back.

  • scotty September 7, 2014, 8:29 pm

    i submitted a comment before but never seen it or a reply?

    but anyways, i caved on day 4 of no contact for a stupid reason.. i deactivated my facebook account so i dont have to worry about that but me and my ex were friends on a fitness app and today she unfriended me & that caused me to cave. we go to same church and actually have a Wednesday night class together.last wednesday night i told her that out side of church & our class i needed her to not contact me. we broke up aug 1. but it started by her saying she needed some space. we have gone through this before & it happens at sametime of year.. so in giving her space i would not text or call her & she actually was back to texting me at least 6 days a week about off the wall stuff. she would stay away from talking about us and i wouldnt bring it up. but i am going crazy missing here so dang much!!!! well i text her to ask how church was today(i was out of town and couldnt go) & i messed up and asked if i could swing by for a couple of minutes to talk. to which she made excuses why i couldnt & then turned it back on me for asking her not to contact me!!! she said we could talk at some point. i have read RRW 3-4 times. its really hard for me to determine which stage she is in. just last weekend she made drastic decisions when stupid stuff happened that made her think i was trying to erase her memory!!! i could go on forever. but im not sure what to do?????
    i could give many examples of her getting jealous since we broke up. if she doesnt want me why is she jealous & scared im try to erase her memory???? Please help and advise!!!!!

    • scotty September 7, 2014, 8:42 pm

      we are both 42 and we were together for 3 years

    • Kevin September 8, 2014, 11:38 am

      Because she still has feelings for you and is confused about this contradiction between her brain and her heart. Give her time to sort out the confusion and use this time to become a happy and confident person.

      • scotty September 8, 2014, 6:24 pm

        Thank You!!! its a tough situation!(as you know) 4 days was the longest we have ever gone without any contact in 3 years! i see all the areas that cause the break down. It just ticks me off that most of our issues was over stupid stuff that could easily be fixed!
        i learned early that she is the kind of girl that when things aren’t going her way she will make quick and harsh decisions!! And that scares me! i just wish i wouldn’t have caved last night and text her!! Thank again!!

        • scotty September 8, 2014, 6:38 pm

          sorry for double reply.. but the wednesday night class at church was a class she didnt want to take but 2 days after our break up she signed up for it. she also asked me to be her accountability partner for the class which i declined.. was that a smart move??

          • Kevin September 9, 2014, 10:42 am

            Yes. You need some time and space and you are taking control of your life and your emotions. It shows you are strong and you put your well being before her.

  • Gigi September 8, 2014, 4:27 pm

    Hi Kevin and gang- Gigi here. Kevin told me last week to use LC on my ex -who has a new gf, #2 since we broke up 3 months ago. At first he was messaging lots to apologize but tell me he’s trying to improve in the same breath. We had a phone convo and I wished him well, I was cool and cheerful, and he was surprised but told me he noticed I was too moving on through fb (I unfriended him, but he still goes and “likes” anything public). He thinks I’m in a new relationship with y old ex, but I told him that’s int he air and for now I’m enjoying my time. I wished him love in his new life and hung up to go on vacation with some friends.
    I started NC -although Kevin suggested LC. He contacted me a couple of days later to say hi and -again- lmk he’s not sure this relationship will go on, they have their issues, he misses me, thinks of us, etc. I didn’t answer. Then nothing for a week. Suddenly on Friday he emailed a “hi, (pet name) I was thinking of you today” around 11 am. Then on Saturday: “Good morning (pet name) I wish you are doing well”. About 1 hour later another letting me know he will be moving and his new address. And that he will be recording the song he wrote for me at a studio on Sunday. Sunday: He’s recording the song. Monday: “I’m moving today. Lots of great memories of us. I’ll keep all your things safe. I would love to chat online for a bit if you are around.”
    These all look like he wants to reach out, yet there’s the new girlfriend issue, and the NC. I was told to use LC, but I have no idea how to.
    1) How can handle/do proper LC?
    2) Are these emails a good sing, or a typical “keeping me on an invisible leash” while having fun with new gf?
    3) This is a guy with a giant ego. I don’t to seem to available either.

    Thanks for the help!!! 🙂

    • Kevin September 9, 2014, 10:40 am

      1) Whenever he contacts you keep things short and don’t talk about anything personal. Be cheerful and don’t let him know that you want him back.
      2) It can be either. No one can say for sure.
      3) If you are confident about yourself and you know that you don’t need him in your life to be happy, his ego will take a backseat. It might take time, so you should be patient.

      • Gigi September 9, 2014, 1:07 pm

        Thanks Kevin! I could give it a shot, although all his emails are all along the personal lines, so to avoid that very personal touch, I will answer “Thanks! and have a good day too.” -ugh! so confusing, shouldn’t he be “happy” with the new woman?

        • Kevin September 10, 2014, 6:49 am

          Not if it’s a rebound.

  • Divine September 8, 2014, 11:23 pm

    My guy is different. He breaks off all contact when he ends his relationships; this allows him time to forget the person he was in a relationship with, to not deal with the pain and to move onto someone else. One of the reasons we broke up is b/c I had to be away for 10 days and couldn’t see him in person (only talk and text) and when we originally got together, he said, he needs to see the person every couple of days or he forgets about them. While that may sound clingy, he is quite the opposite. He is very strong-willed and strong-minded. Completely opposite of what I’ve dated in the past. I feel the longer I do NC, the easier it is for him to move on and he’ll think I don’t care. I REALLY STRONGLY BELIEVE the NC rule will not work for him. Advice?

    • Kevin September 9, 2014, 10:44 am

      First of all, NC is not for him as much as it is for you. If he is strong willed and strong minded, trying to stay in touch with him will be in vain. Because he will just ignore you and it’ll make you look needy. On the other hand, if you also do NC and don’t contact him for one month, it’ll give you greater chance of getting back in touch and rebuilding attraction.

      • Hers May 19, 2017, 2:12 pm

        My girlfriend’s telling me we are better off as friends. we are lesbians and she is still in the closet. I have a 12 year old son who is the reason we end up in conflict. She says he is grown and always looks for something to be wrong with something he has done. She keeps bringing up her age and how she doesn’t have time for bull…. I truly love her and she says she loves me. We are supposed to attend a graduation together for her nephew. Should I still attend? This falls within the no contact time frame. Also my belongings and my son’s are still at her house. What should I do?

        • Kevin May 20, 2017, 12:54 am

          If you are close to the nephew, then you should attend. If not, then text her saying that you won’t be able to attend because you have decided to take some time and space for yourself.

  • Mark September 12, 2014, 10:49 pm

    Hey Kevin. I’ve done NC for about a week now. My ex has reached out to me 4x without me initiating contact. I broke contact abruptly with her when it all seemed cool between us. She text me that she was worried about me and also we share a phone plan together she inquired about payment. I’m trying to keep NC for 30 straight days but should I at least say “I’m okay and fine.” I wasn’t doing so well 2 weeks ago and she seemed extremely nervous even reaching out to my friends to see if I’m okay. Should I keep NC? I’m actually at peace with everything although its been a week and I don’t feel the need to check up on her or reach out ot her. Thanks in advance

  • Zun September 13, 2014, 11:46 am

    Hi Kevin
    My gf broke up with me few days ago. It’s a long and complicate story so I won’t tell it here. But the next month is her birthday, should I end the no-contact period with a happy birthday message?
    Thanks 🙂

  • Scotty September 13, 2014, 2:06 pm

    Well, last night a friend told me they seen my ex with another guy & tagged them on facebook(which I’m not on at the time) & then this am someone else told me how she how she’s posting on Facebook how life is so great!!!! I think I’m gonna go in sane!!! Only 1.5 weeks into no contact even though we broke up August 1. Is she really moving on? The guy she was seen with is someone her closes friends told she would never date but she has been friends with him for 6 years.

    • Kevin September 14, 2014, 5:49 am

      Relax, it’s probably a rebound.

  • Simba September 13, 2014, 3:00 pm

    My ex is nearly 15 years my junior and I have known him for 6 years when i was still married. I divorced 3 years ago, found a house and was planning to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. He has been in love with me for years and has waited for me to be single. 6 weeks ago he told me he had fallen out of love with me but still wanted me as a friend and that he would love and miss me always. He said there was definitely no future for us.
    We continued to text/chat but this became too difficult for me since I am still in love with him. I was looking at his photos on Facebook constantly and looking over past texts until i realised this was not helping me move on. I told him i would be unfriending him on Facebook and not contacting him and he told me he would not contact me until I contacted him. The very next day he contacted me with a work related problem. I had no choice but to answer- it was to do with work (we work in the same building). I dealt with the issue in a professional manner. 2 days later, i received another phone call at work asking for advice on a personal work issue. I gave him the advice but stressed that his personal problems were no longer my concern. Following the phone call, I received an email stating that it was obvious from my tone of voice that he shouldn’t have called me and that it wouldn’t happen again. I did reply stating he could call me regarding work related issues but not personal ones. His reply felt abrupt, pointed and cold. I needed to tell him that contact with him was only reminding me of what I had lost and I was only trying to move on as he had asked me to. I then received an email which had a completely different tone- more friendly- he called me ‘my darling’ and again promised not to contact me. I am confused. I don’t know if he is being insensitive, cruel or immature. I know I have to start the no contact rule again but his calls to me are just dragging me backwards and I really don’t think he understands how difficult it is to fall out of love with someone. I feel that he has moved on but is stopping me doing the same. I would welcome your opinion on his actions please Kevin. Is it worth me waiting for him? Is he being cruel contacting me or is he being selfish wanting me as a friend? I panic each time my phone rings or I receive a text message. I feel he’s messing with my head and my emotions.

    • Kevin September 14, 2014, 5:53 am

      Hey,

      It’s hard to say exactly how he feels. Perhaps he has moved on and perhaps he wants to stay in touch with you because a part of him wants to be with you. Regardless of his intentions, you should do no contact for a few months. In fact, I’ll recommend you tell him to not contact regarding any issues (work or personal) as it is only going to deter your progress.

  • Kiara September 15, 2014, 12:55 am

    “And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.” You mentioned this in the physical activity section. Although I’m not sure what you mean? Could you please explain?

    • Kevin September 16, 2014, 11:17 am

      Hey,

      I meant when you work out and look better than before, your ex will notice it when you meet them after no contact.

  • Scotty September 16, 2014, 7:58 pm

    Kevin,
    Attempting to get my ducks in a row here..I’ve read RRW 4 times. I kinda feel that my ex is indifferent. So after the no contact do I use the magic letter from RRW or use the one like you suggested? Of course she’s popping up at my gym at least once a week. I’m cordial but not personal & usually gone within 15-20 minutes after she leaves. As I’ve said before we have a church class on Wednesday nights & church on Sundays. So we see each other but I keep it short and sweet & I’m gone!!! One time she acts as if we never dated and the next time she seems a little flirtatious. I just ignore it all.

    • Kevin September 17, 2014, 7:59 am

      If you two are constantly seeing each other, I’ll recommend you skip the letter and move straight to texts. If you want to go with a letter, go with the one I suggested not RRW.

  • Sandy Joe September 18, 2014, 5:00 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I know a guy for almost 3 months and we both are in different countries. We started talking on the fone and liked each other a lot. But from the day one we had a lot of misunderstandings between us because of the long distance and second that we have never met. After 3 months of continuous disagreements we parted and broke up with each other and in a bad manner. To an extent of abusing each other. I like him a lot and started loving him. He has a lot of misconceptions about me which are not correct. I want him to come back. I have read your article but the problem is he has blocked me from everywhere. Please suggest how it is going to happen. Sandy

    • Kevin September 18, 2014, 7:08 am

      Even if he has blocked you, do no contact for a couple of months. He will probably unblock you by then. If he doesn’t send the hand written letter mentioned in the 5 step plan.

      • Sandy September 18, 2014, 7:26 am

        Thanks Kevin, Do u see any chances of him coming back? Sandy

        • Kevin September 20, 2014, 8:11 am

          Yes, there’s a chance. But you should be prepared for the worst.

      • Sandy September 18, 2014, 7:28 am

        And yes he also told me that he has moved on 🙁 Sandy

  • Scotty September 21, 2014, 7:18 am

    Kevin,
    During the NC I deactivated my Facebook. That’s been 3 weeks ago. Should I leave it deactivated until the NC is over and also do I keep her as a friend on there?

    • Kevin September 22, 2014, 9:48 am

      If you think you can handle seeing her posts on facebook and not start obsessing over her, keep her as friends. As for reactivating. It’s upto you. It’s not necessary. But it might be advantageous if you have been doing new things and are ready to share them on facebook.

  • John Carpenter September 24, 2014, 12:42 am

    You draw an analogy between the jilted lover and an addict thereby suggesting, like addicts, the person who has experienced a breakup should go “cold turkey” by employing “no contact”.

    In a very real sense, powerful neurochemicals that have been compromised (serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin) are the reasons a person is in such pain after a breakup and like the sudden cessation of nicotine, alcohol, or cocaine, a “cold turkey” approach–in this case “No Contact” is DEFINATELY not the way to g and is likely only to produce unneeded suffering and the larger problem of cyclical relationships.

    Here is a statement by Dr. Colin Mendelsohn, an addiction specialist:

    “Research clearly shows that using willpower alone is the least successful method for quitting smoking. (1) The chances of successful quitting on your own are only 3-5% for any given attempt. (2). In other words, less than one in 25 cold turkey quit attempts succeeds.”

    Neurochemical imbalances subsequent to a breakup cause:

    • breakups to be experienced as physical pain.

    • increase sensitivity to actual physical pain. It takes less of a physical injury to experience pain.

    • Women to experience heightened brain activity related to pain when they observe pain in others or they hear about romantic breakups in other women.

    Put simply, this is real pain and it is NOT mitigated by a cold turkey approach in the vast majority of people. A well-thought out “tapering” program where the bereaved methodically withdraws attention from their former partner while acting AS IF the crisis had already passed will be far more successful. After some initial acute pain–perhaps a week or two, the individual will not be forced to sever all contact, merely begin decreasing it incrementally.

    Additionally, Dan Gilbert of Harvard has studied happiness and as implausible as it seems, if an event happened to us three months ago or longer, the brain no longer has it on its “to do” list. It will, if a person accepts what has happened will create something called “synthetic happiness”–which feels just as good as real happiness. It’s what we get when we don’t get what we want.

    “No Contact” interferes with humans doing what they naturally do when rejected by a lover, partner, or spouse: they briefly become hysterical and compulsive until they realize those compensatory behaviors don’t work, they give up, mourn for awhile, and the brain gets busy creating “synthetic happiness” . If you choose to tough it out for 30, 60, or 90 days by going “No Contact”, you are just postponing the most potent antidote at your disposal for returning to a new and better “normal”.

    I would strongly urge anyone to rethink employing a hard-core “No Contact” strategy. Elements of it, yes, but total no-contact, never.

    One can begin by not initiating phone calls and if one gets one limiting it to 15 minutes.
    Fake it until you become it. Be cordial, treat your ex as an acquaintance nothing more and act AS IF he or she did you a favor. It works. Not to necessarily reconnect (which there are good reasons not to, ever, but to regain a sense of autonomy.

    • Kevin September 24, 2014, 11:02 am

      Hey John,

      Interesting analysis. This is the second comment I’ve received which suggests tapering. I think it might work for some people. But in my experience, no contact is much more effective way. One of the reason is that it’s extremely hard for most people to develop a “tapering” program with their ex and even harder to implement it. A small ray of hope of reconciliation from your ex might make you feel really good about yourself or a cold shoulder from your ex might make you feel extremely miserable. In essence, your emotions are completely dependent on your ex and not you. To be more precise, you can never have a controlled environment to taper off your ex because you can never control how your ex will react (and in most cases you can’t even control how you will react to their reaction). And from all the feedback I receive from visitors of this site, I’ve come to realize that the people who don’t do no contact usually stay in their state of grief (hysterical, compulsive, obsessive etc.) much longer than the ones who do apply no contact.

  • Sally September 24, 2014, 1:56 pm

    How am I to follow the no contact rule if we go to the same school and have classes together?

    • Kevin September 26, 2014, 11:18 am

      Don’t talk to him unless it’s absolutely necessary. If you have to talk to him, keep it short and treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.

  • Martin McCabe September 25, 2014, 6:00 am

    This shit is dumb. Your going to have to get over it all anyway if you ever get back together, and probably more… so chunk it up, stop playing mind games. Send her a email when you feel like u should and if she comes back she does if she doesn’t then talk to the next girl that giggles at you. A woman falls in love with the person you are, the environment and relationship you provide. Believe me they listen, more than us, they are built that way, shit their body releases sexual neurotransmitters when they gossip to each other. She knows bro. Love is about communication. Let her know how you feel when your ready, then the ball is in her court where she wants it anyway. Give em something to think about. That’s how you got her in the first place.

    • walad August 24, 2015, 12:31 pm

      Martin McCabe, I tried your shit. it did not work, so I am now trying the NC strategy, hopefully it works. worst case scenario, I will giggle back at the next chick.

  • Susie September 25, 2014, 6:05 am

    Hi Kevin

    I posted a comment a few days ago and it doesn’t seem like it’s come up? Please could you reply with your advice please on my situation. I deeply want him back. I don’t know if the no contact rule will apply or not since I broke up with him,

    Thank you
    Susie

    • Kevin September 26, 2014, 11:41 am

      Hey Susie,

      I can’t find your post. Yes, no contact still applies even if you broke up with him. You can ask more specific questions and get feedback very fast on the message boards.

  • Scotty September 30, 2014, 8:54 am

    Kevin,
    Friday will be 30 days of NC. But here’s my question. Our mutual friends tell me that she really just wants us to be friends. I also know that for the last 2-3 weeks she has been spending more & more time with her former ex. (The guy before me). I know it’s just your opinion but what are the chases that mine and her 3 year relationship was just a rebound? In those 3 years this will be the 3rd break up but they others were more of a backing off. They only last about 2-3 weeks. All the things that she said was wrong with them were pretty major issues. Only 1 thing has changed. He use to work out of town and only got to spend vacations together. The other issues felt were religious, his parents, and he was very judgemental. I have accepted the fact we may never be together again but it still doesn’t stop my Love for her!! Also do you think I should just cut ties and walk away?! Thank you for all you do!!! It has really helped me and many others through these hard times!!!!!

    • Scotty September 30, 2014, 8:56 am

      One last question. Why would she be so insistent that we stay friends?! That confuses the heck out of me!!!

  • Rohan October 1, 2014, 4:08 am

    Hi Kevin,
    . I can’t find my comment. Where I can find my comment?And I didn’t Receive your Second Email. Plzzz Help me.

    Thanks
    Rohan

    • Kevin October 1, 2014, 10:18 am

      Hey Rohan,

      I don’t normally approve comments asking questions. If you have questions regarding berakup, please post it in the message boards.

  • Sara October 8, 2014, 5:50 pm

    Your article was very informative and I enjoyed reading it.so thank u very much for every thing u do to help me and others

  • Pam October 11, 2014, 10:24 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I was with my ex for 1 and a half years and then he dumped me because I was too needy of him (which I was) I did everything needy that you can think of to get him back. I begged through phone, text & social networks, I also ask his best friend to help me get him back (his friend ignored me) and that made him really upset, he asked me to leave him alone and he blocked me from everything. The last thing I told him was that I would change my phone number (which I did) and now I wanna start the NC for 60 days, until his birthday in 2 months, do you think I still have a chance even after all of that?

    • Kevin October 13, 2014, 10:41 am

      Yes, I do.

  • Matilda October 12, 2014, 2:59 am

    Just want to attest that, when correctly tailored to the situation, the no contact rule really does help both parties feel better and sometimes reconnect purely out of missing one other if not because of the improvements that one or both have made in the time they would have wasted waiting by the phone. My ex has a job that takes him away for long periods of time (a convenient 30 days in the instance following our split) so in a way I was forced to do no contact (at least physical contact) but I’m glad I did and had this blog to make me feel less alone during this painful and lonely month. My ex and I were very close friends before we were together so when he ended it (out of nowhere!) he did so with the understanding that we’d still be friends. For this reason I began to feel a little childish about dodging his messages (using the silent treatment as a grown woman?) so after two or so weeks of not responding to his fairly frequent friendly messages I caved and replied but I did not beg for him back, talk about the breakup, or express sadness. I just treated him the way I did when we were friends. That was the person he fell in love with and that was the person I needed to be to get him back. For anyone reading this comment I want to say this blog has a lot of great and comforting advice but don’t forget that every situation is unique and only you know the circumstances of your breakup. If I had totally cut my ex off he would not have come running back into my arms after his return (yes it happened…so relieved and happy!) Because I threw him a bone every now and then, but still ingnored more messages than I responded to, he kept coming back for more. One thing that goes for all relationship recovery is that you need to be your best self to attract your partner. I know how hard it is to even get out of bed in the morning after having your heart broken let alone go to work and exercise, spend time with friends etc but you MUST move on and get back to yourself if you want to win someone back or win someone new.

    Good luck everyone!

    • Kevin October 13, 2014, 10:46 am

      Thank you so much for your comment Matilda. I really appreciate you sharing your story and your experience. Good luck with your new(old) relationship.

  • John October 22, 2014, 4:14 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. (She broke up with me). The reason she gave me for breaking up is that she isnt sure if Im “The one” and that she hasnt felt like she has had those level feelings for me. There is a bit of an age gap which has always bugged her. ( Im 21 shes 29). And it always seems to come back to this. Do you think there is a point in me trying or are we to far apart If I feel like shes “the one” and maybe I should try to move on?
    Thanks!

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:34 am

      If you feel like it’s worth trying, you should try it. Do no contact and contact her. If it doesn’t work out, you can move on knowing you gave it a try.

  • chris October 24, 2014, 3:12 pm

    Hi kevin i had been with my gf for 4 years wuth no breaks or split ups and we seen each other practically every day and the last two months were rocky so we decided to go on a break and a 2 days into the break she said she didnt love me the same anymore and wanted to split up with me over the phone the first week was hard i tried contacting her and she wouldnt answer then she let me speak to her once and she was really blunt so i left it for 2 weeks but in that 2 weeks ive spoke to her freinds and father for advice and she knows i have and is pissed off about it and says ive told him we are split. What next? Thanks

  • John October 30, 2014, 9:29 am

    Kevin,
    I need your help ASAP! I’ve taken all the right paths. I’ve stuck to NC as hard as it was. My ex has called or texted or both the past 4 days. Still I have maintained the NC. She texted me just now saying that she guesses she will quit trying to contact me and she wishes me all the best. What so I do? Break the nc or just don’t worry about it. I want her back in my life. But I want to give her the time she needs to remove the negative thoughts and miss me.

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:20 pm

      If you want, you can tell her you need some space and time right now. OR you can ignore her. Either ways is fine and won’t make much of a difference.

  • bruce November 3, 2014, 8:39 pm

    Me and my ex have a baby boy. Soon after he was born we split up. About a month or so after she started seeing some guy(sounds like a rebound). I can’t do nc but I’ve been doing good recently at not talking to her about anything but our son and it has started to show. I know we have a chance at a great family, I just have to settle my thoughts on a family better, and not say anything to her. We do have our moments, recently she has lightened up and been a little more playful and joking. She is still dating this guy and still let’s me know it from time to time(which drives me nuts, but most of the time I try to ignore it). What would be your advice on fully getting her back? What do you think of my situation? Thanks

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:15 am

      Apply no contact. Tell her you need some time and space to accept the breakup. Only keep contact pertaining to the baby as mentioned in the article.

  • Oscar November 11, 2014, 6:23 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Will NC work to get my ex back if she was the one who told me that I need time to myself to get over everything and then contact her when I do?
    We had a blow out over Facebook and she blocked me. Because of that she told me to take time away from her

    • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:39 am

      Yes it’ll still work.

      • Oscar November 14, 2014, 1:17 pm

        Thanks Kevin. I have another question, How long should I do the No Contact period? My ex is one of those independent, stubborn, single mother type who has baggage in terms of her father.
        After the break up she has compared me to her father, in terms of trying to fix the relationship and failing, and she has mad false things up about me to pick up the pieces and move on.
        We agreed to be friends right after the break up but it was one sided. I was doing all the initiating and as time went one she started to disconnected from me and ignore my texts and calls.
        Before I went on my No Contact period, I asked if we could have another chance at the relationship, and her answer was; I cant answer that right now. I’m sorry.
        Was she trying to spare my feelings? How long should I do No contact for?

  • Julz November 12, 2014, 1:36 pm

    “No Contact rule” is b@llsh!t. No one has ever come back in my experience. Hearts are ripped out and NC is doling out false hope that exes come back. They don’t. Deal with the grief, scream, cry, and with time you will get back to the feeling before you were with the person.

  • Rob November 13, 2014, 4:31 pm

    Can I ask about parents. I am on really good terms with my ex’s parents and they have already told me that I am welcome to come around for a coffee and a chat if I need. In my 5 year relationship, they became the parents I wish I had when I was growing up and I have a lot of respect for them. When it comes to the no contact rule with my ex, should I also include her parents? If they called or text me I’m not sure I could ignore them, especially as they have done so much for me.

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 2:03 am

      You don’t have to ignore them. Just don’t talk about your ex and your personal life. Be polite to them and be discrete about your personal life.

  • Esther November 30, 2014, 2:44 pm

    So is the NC rule less effective if I have told my ex we are doing it? For example I said I’d completely shut him out for 4 months and then come back. I’m just worried the effects aren’t going to be as strong since he already knows.

    1 month is not a long time. With things like malls, gyms, meds, and cosmetic procedures I’ve gone anywhere from three months to over a year. Thanks.

    • Kevin December 1, 2014, 8:01 am

      It’s still effective. Even if he told him that you’ll come back, he’ll still have a fear of losing you. Not to mention, you will still get the benefit of having some space and time away from your ex.

  • Kyle December 7, 2014, 4:37 am

    Great Article TY.

  • Maria T December 7, 2014, 4:42 pm

    Dear Kevin,

    Today I received one of your daily mails that will help me to get through the break up.
    It said a lot about how to handle my social media life, such as Facebook. You told me how it will show hostility if I delete or block my ex – but in this blog you recommend me to delete or even deactivate my Facebook, if I was obsessed over my ex.

    Now the thing is… From day 1 I started the NCR, I blocked my ex from Facebook and Instagram without knowing that I would delete him from my friendlist. And I’m really not sure whether that created hostility or it will help me getting through the NCR? And what excuses do I have to make when the 30 days are over?

    Best Regards

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:28 am

      Hey Maria,

      It’s OK if you deleted him. If it comes up later on, you can tell him that you didn’t want to obsess over his facebook, which is why you deleted him.

  • Jennifer December 20, 2014, 4:27 pm

    Hi Kevin I’ve been with my ex for 8 years we broke up 6months ago we have a child , the problem is we still live together. He has a new girlfriend they been together for about 5 months he seems happy with the break up tells me to move on but gets angry and jealous when I go out with my friends. I tried the no contact rule not easy but I’m starting over. I will be moving in 2 months I don’t know what to do I just think he hasn’t made anything better and doesn’t deserve another chance!! Please help me kevin!!!

    • Kevin December 21, 2014, 4:27 am

      Hey Jennifer,

      No contact (or limited contact) will definitely help. Once you can get some space from him, you will be able to think things over and realize if he deserves another chance.

  • alex February 20, 2015, 1:52 pm

    hey kevin

    me and my ex broke up about a year ago because we had a hugh fight and i did somethings outta anger that i regret and because i wasnt really doing things i was suppose to do as a father and boyfriend after the break up i moved to texas to try to better my life and avoid any problems between us that could make it worst we have a 3 year old daughter together so we speak here and there about her but when i was away i was being clingy and texting her and calling her to get back together with me and that i changed she would reply and tell me stop worrying bout us and worry bout my daughter first before anything she still ignores and all that and doesnt wanna be around me or nothing cause of the things that happen in the past i cant lie i have still been hitting her up bout us getting back together and she just ignores me but she did tell me if i did what i have to do she would think about it i love this girl man with all my hearth and want to be a family with her i just need to change my ways and take care of my responsibilities so my question is after a year of not seeing each other and her ignoring me and not wanting to be around me still do you think i could still get her back she does tell me sometimes she would see if i just do what i gotta do i need advice kev

  • Esther March 4, 2015, 10:21 am

    Would this NC rule still work even on someone who has moved away? I have searched Google and most forums and blogs say that generally this is a polite way of telling someone you don’t see a future with them anymore. Unless you also move over there that’s kind of the end. I do know some people I still spoke to after they moved who I would like to try again with.

    Thanks in advance!

  • June July 14, 2015, 9:38 am

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, it was peaceful. We even talked as usual after breaking up and he often checked on me if I was okay. He’s a nice and caring guy, he knows the break-up is harder for me than he is so he trys talking to me and make sure I’m okay and I feel bad that I decided to do NC 3 days ago. So, in the past 3 days, he texted me once per day to check due to my job requires me to fly out often and the last one I got, I can feel that he thinks I’m being not nice and rude for not replying. He’s worried and he doesn’t like playing games. I should just keep doing NC? I do feel bad to make him worry about my safety (because the country I’m at just had volcano eruption).

    Thanks.

    • Kevin July 14, 2015, 10:45 am

      Just let him know that you need some time and space to deal with the breakup and you don’t want to stay in contact with him for a while.

  • Celina July 20, 2015, 8:04 am

    Hi Kevin,
    Just to add on further to my earlier comment/message. My ex broke off with me on our 2 yr anniversary 5 weeks ago. Since she deleted me off and blocked me off from Facebook, I have not contacted her for about 4 weeks now. I saw her by coincidence at the train station and said hi to her but she was pretty cold.
    I miss her and our routine a lot but I think she has moved on since her love for me diminished.
    Deep down, I do hope we can cross paths again and that she will realise that I had loved her deeply. I dare not hope that we can get back together as a couple. I hope and pray that she will see me in a different light and get to know me all over again and that we can connect again. But right now, she has deleted and blocked me off from Facebook. I’m not sure she will ever reply my email or text if I were to contact her months for now.

    Please advise. Thank you.

    Celina

    • Kevin July 21, 2015, 9:31 am

      The only thing you can do is try contacting her via text or email after a month or two. If she doesn’t reply, you can either try again after another couple of months or just decide to move on. In my opinion, if she is not willing to answer you even after 2-3 months of no contact, then it is in your best interest to move on.

  • Anon December 6, 2015, 2:25 am

    Hey Kevin, your advice is really powerful. My gf of almost 6 years broke up with me, we’ve been in a long distance for quite a while. Many months ago I had downloaded some dating apps but I never intended to nor did I ever cheat, in fact I deleted them in days. My gf and I share accounts and recently saw the purchase history, she knows I didn’t cheat on her but is upset that I wasn’t open enough to tell her myself. She is a sweetheart and non judgmental, innocent but proud. I expressed many times how I realize my mistake and understand that she will find it hard to trust me and apologized. In her last message she said shes no longer angry at me and that I don’t need to apologize. I said I’m here for her if she needs me. That was 24 hrs ago I read your website later and implemented 24 hrs of nc rule so far. It’s her sisters wedding in two weeks and I don’t know if I should text her that day and congratulate. Also I’m saving up to see her in a few months. Please advise, this girl is my childhood close friend and the only person I’ve had a serious relation with and same for her. Shes the only person I’ve ever seen myself with.

    • Kevin December 7, 2015, 5:27 am

      Hey,

      Follow the plan. You have a good chance of getting her back. You can text her if you like after two weeks. But keep it short and to the point.

      • Anon December 7, 2015, 8:40 am

        Thanks Kevin! I’ve been on NC for two days now. The first time she mentioned anything to me she was very hurt and angry and in the past we’ve had a long 11 month separation (3 years ago).During that break she had blocked
        me from everywhere.

        This time she did not block me anywhere. Remained mostly unresponsive and I could sense some anger/hostility in the responses I got (and she mentioned how this wouldn’t be like the past where we resolved things once we met in person).

        Then she was less angry and mentioned that she was hurt over me not trusting her to be non-judgmental and being open and that without trust and loyalty we can’t have a future.

        Days later I started a new job and she wished me good luck when I texted her about it.

        In her very last text she simply asked me not to apologize (I was asking her if it was okay for me to call her as I felt like she deserved an apology in my voice and not just text) she said, that I had said enough (I had been trying to own up to my faults and ask her not to give up on me), she said she is no longer angry. I’m afraid this might mean shes becoming apathetic, only because she went 11 months without contacting me when we last had a huge breakup/fight.

        Do u think given this information I can still win her back? this is the only person I’ve known and sincerely loved in this way, I’ll always regret it if I lose her.

        • Anon December 11, 2015, 12:25 am

          Hey Kevin,
          In a sudden change of circumstances it seems like I’m going to be at her sisters wedding in like ten days, at that point point it will have been just over two weeks of nc. I haven’t seen her in almost two years and don’t know when I will have the chance again. What should I do?! Please help me!

  • James Anderson July 9, 2016, 6:10 am

    Hi,

    After 3 weeks of speaking to my ex on and off and seeing her a week ago. I started no contact 5 days ago. My ex has contacted me today to ask about some stuff I left at hers and a pitcher plant she wants me to pick up as its going to die. Should I reply?

    • Kevin July 12, 2016, 2:55 am

      You should reply. If the stuff can wait, let her know that you need some space and time right now and you will pick it up later. If it can’t wait, then you can pick it up but when you meet her, make sure you keep any conversations with her short and to the point. Don’t talk about anything personal and if she tries to do so, let her know you need space and time right now and you are not comfortable speaking to her as a friend.

  • Nelly July 13, 2016, 11:24 am

    Hey I posted something like 2 or so days ago don’t know if you answered since I put in the wrong email.

    • Kevin July 14, 2016, 1:53 am

      Hey Nelly,

      The posts here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post your question on the message boards.

  • Fren July 14, 2016, 7:03 pm

    Ive been in relationship 4 months..After 8 days no contact..suddenly my ex contact me..he told me about his problem that his father has been cheating with another woman..bla bla bla..i try to be nice pretend and give him advice n support for the past 3 days.. sometimes i give respond sometimes i dont pick up his call.

    My question is..should i just shut down the contact with him while he’s in a worst siatuation now if i want he come back with me.. tq

    • Kevin July 15, 2016, 2:54 am

      Hey Fren,

      Yes, you should do no contact. You have been broken up and you don’t owe it to him to support him. However, don’t be rude about it as well. Tell him that it’s hard for you talking to him because of the breakup and you prefer not being in contact unless it’s really an emergency.

  • Elli July 17, 2016, 3:05 pm

    My story is I was with this guy for almost 2 year. I felt he was a mummy’s boy and couldn’t make is own decisions, although he says that’s not the case. When we first started to date … I kinda of thought I couldn’t take this relationship further and mentioned that we should go our separate ways. I felt that his mother got even clinger for the fact the he wasn’t going to her house as often… It seems like she got jealous. I saw that he was devastated when I spoke about breakup then I took my words back quickly … and tried to work it out.

    I realised that whenever I say anything about his family it was like I was steping on eggs shells as it was such sensitive topic … And I really don’t know why. I’ve never met them being with him 2years … We planned for it to happen though. His parents are a bit of hoaders so he would say that if we should meet them at their house he had to clean up.. So we decided to invite them to his… We we planning for it to happen … And also planning for a bigger future together with a family and all.

    We fell out in Father’s Day when I told him I was a bit disappointed in him as I felt he couldn’t tell his older sisters and mum that he didn’t want to attend Father’s Day. I said this because his mother would call him everyday and complaining that his father was this and that… This has been ongoing for years. I also felt that the lack of the support from his father has left his mother and sisters to be more dependant on him to play a male role in the family, although he’s the last child. Since father day we have made the decision to be separated because again I felt I could not talk to him about how u really feel without him taking it really personally to the point that he does not want to talk to me.

    Since we broke up … I still miss him so much and I felt like he’s been so cold towards me in terms of him not wanting us to really talk things through. I rang him because I really wanted closure… He went on to tell me so many thing things that I was doing the relationship that upset him so much e.g me calling and texting him a lot when he’s at his parent house on his weekly visit. I said, I didn’t realise as I would text and call him when we are not together regardless. What was sad he said he didn’t tell me these things for the fear that I would want to leave him. I was like no, I don’t want o leave u…. I love u and still want to work things out. Instead he’s made up his mind and think it’s best for us to move on. I felt it was a bit unfair because I wasn’t aware that he was having these issues and instead of talking to me about them he’s held them inside. And now that we have sperated that’s when he’s telling me about it.

    I feel so angry … But still love him. I promised myself not to contact him ever again ..

    I contacted him couple days ago by text to tell him his sister tried to ring him and contacted my phone which believes his calls are diverted to my number… I texted him to request to check this out as this was the second time I was contacted by of his sister which I never spoke to … And it made me feel awkward … Ami also suggested that he tell his family if he hasn’t done so before.

    I know is sad times … Apart of me want us to get back … And I scared to think that this is it we might never get back together.

    I’m starting my journey by working on me … But it’s hard work

  • Jerry July 19, 2016, 11:37 am

    Me and my ex had a big fight and i showed up and beat on the door twice and blowed the horn and she thinks im going crazy and is already seeing numerous guys and i text her a week later and told her i knew and she told me to leave her alone aand said quit contacting her and people she associated with and riding by her house and threatened to call the cops on me when all i did was tell her how much i love her and wanted to work things out and thats been over a week ago and i havent contacted her what shoulf i do

  • Ruth August 6, 2016, 10:49 pm

    My ex boyfriend and I were in 3 years and 7 months relationship. He helped me to have an scholarship to be part of his college. I was very excited but suddenly after 1 and 1/2 months we had a small fight and he said he was tired and broke up with me. He asked me if we can still be friends so I agreed. After 2 weeks I realized that I looked stupid, and I decided to move away from him, he look shocked and unfriended me on facebook. Until now, I feel sad about it, I don’t want to walk away from him but I think it will make him think about his decision.I wish someday we’ll get back together and be mature enough to understand our differences. It’s very hard to move on but I will trust God’s decisions in my life.

  • Hungry hippo August 7, 2016, 6:26 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I posted my story couple days ago. I do not see it here but I wanted to know if I should still do the no contact rule. I’ve been having horrible urges to text him and it’s only been 7 days since he blocked me from snapchat and it’s been 14 or 15 days since he texted “I just don’t think things are working out very well” which I felt something was wrong. With snapchat I went a little crazy and snapped to much from my beach trip and just after work which I feel stupid for snapping and now I’m blocked. I just want respect and to invite him to U2 tribute band in two weeks even if as friends …ughhh? 5 step plan hoping will cleanse my soul from him

    • Kevin August 8, 2016, 4:23 am

      Hey,

      Yes you should continue no contact. These urges will pass. You can also post your questions on the message boards.

      • Hungry hippo August 8, 2016, 10:26 pm

        Yeah, looking forward to when they pass. My birthday is this weekend. If he texts at all should I reply back? For example, a simple thanks or thank you ?

  • George November 4, 2016, 10:18 pm

    Hi Kevin. I’m back after 3 years and a new breakup. Last time I stuffed up NC and was needy and never got her back.

    This girl, I’ve broken up and got her back once or twice before. We’ve been dating 2 years and everything was fine, excpet there was some resentment breeding due to a range of small issues.

    Recently I caught her talking to another guy and she said she cares about him and was planning to break up with me. I went NC the same day after that conversation. She basically cheated on me but I still love her.

    I was wondering if my situation still applies with the 30 day NC rule, and if I should tell the other guy about the fact i was her boyfriend – she asked me not to because she didnt want me to ‘ruin’ things with him.

    Regards,

    • Kevin November 23, 2016, 1:37 am

      Hey George,

      Right now, you should just do no contact and focus on yourself. I don’t think you should try to get her back because not only she cheated on you, she is also lying to her new boyfriend. There is no way you can sustain a long and healthy relationship with her. After a month or two, when you have gotten over the breakup, you can decide whether or not you should tell her new boyfriend (I recommend you do).

  • Suryakanth February 20, 2017, 12:50 am

    Dear Kevin
    This is Suryakanth hear i am very much of happy because of after reading the pages i became cool i do not have any kind of girl friend but i do love for my sister she is very innocent girl we are very good brother & sister but now what happened is one day she was talking to me while speaking i said u have little bit of EGO for this one word today she left me Mr Kevin Do u feel hear in this were i am wrong after happened all this i tryed many times but she is not ready at all till today 15days are over i have stopped using whats app & facebook twitter orkut no phone calls no messages but i followed her status her profile picture still she is under pain somewear i have faith she will be back to me for this what u can suggest me

    Regards,
    Suryakanth

  • Mia April 5, 2017, 8:56 am

    Hey Kevin you are the only hope I have heard a lot about your website so my story is I’ve been in a relationship with my best friend since 7 months we’ve been very close to each other since 4 years and he confessed his love for me 7 months ago so I did well last month he texted me that he wants to focus on his higher studies and he has been dealing with few issues lately and he wants to break up but still he is my old friend he told me that he will always be there for me but he feels that being in relationship right now is complicated but I want him back I lost my soul mate he is the best I know I don’t get it why he broke my heart I really need your help he broke up with me last month and we have stopped texting each other since 5 days 🙁

  • Mark April 5, 2017, 7:48 pm

    He and I were together for 4 years almost constantly. No contact is going to be tough. But it does make a lot of sense.

  • cmarie09 April 9, 2017, 8:17 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I am 23 my ex boyfriend is 26. We were together for 4 years and close friends a while before that. We had talked very seriously about marriage and he even asked my dad to marry me this past Christmas. But in February he started acting strange and saying we was confused and not sure if he wanted to be with me or not, so we ended up breaking up about a month ago. I broke a lot of the rules in the first two weeks, but the last two weeks have been a lot better. My question is, we have two dogs and I have been watching them on the weekend. I don’t have to, but I really love them and it has become the best part of my week. I have to contact him to pick them up and drop them off. We don’t talk about anything else and I don’t even see him in person, but would a full no contact increase my chances of getting him back?

    Thank you.

    • Kevin April 10, 2017, 3:11 am

      Hey,

      No, a full no contact will not make much difference as long as you are not talking about anything personal.

  • Jon32 April 11, 2017, 4:55 am

    Hi, Long story short, my girlfriend of 10 months left me just over 3 weeks ago having moved in to a house we bought together a 2 months ago. It was purely my insecurities and controlling behaviour (which I have now got help for) that drove her away. She moved to her Mother’s house but has still not moved any more of her or her child’s stuff out, as we jointly own the house. I have spent 3 weeks begging and pleading and she has got more and more angry and said she is never coming back. last weekend I had a threat that they would go to the police if I didn’t back off, so I have and apologised. Since then her mother has been in contact and changed her threatening tone towards me and said she needs space and will then see what happens, but she hasn’t been well so hasn’t thought about things. My ex has also told my sister that she just wanted a break. Her Mum is saying that I must just give her space now and that she hasn’t even thought about things and is focussing on getting herself better (stress and depression). I have backed right off now and apologised for begging initially, but can I take the recent comments as positive, even after such hatred in the first 3 weeks during my pestering?

  • Steve Anc April 23, 2017, 7:08 am

    Hi kelvin,
    I have an ex which we have been together for almost four years and we have promised each other marriage, but she broke up with me because of a nag when am angry and she believed that I can’t change. She has blocked me on WhatsApp and always put her no busy for me since I have been trying to contact her. And she has told me that she had moved on with another boyfriend. Can no contact rule help me to bring her back because we really love each other then.

  • Chris May 3, 2017, 2:58 pm

    Hi my girlfriend says she lost her feelings so is it possible to renkindle the spark?

  • Dil May 5, 2017, 4:49 am

    I have tried this no contact period and it broke more than once because I could not resist myself without contacting him.

    but when I stop for last few days contacting him he only calls , I really tried hard and not called him what should be the next step.

  • Meera May 13, 2017, 1:35 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I just dropped my ex back to airport, where he is going away forever(moving out of this city). We met on tinder and had immediately hit it off. We were those soul mates. But he got into financial and work problems. I was on break from work so I decided to help him out. And things started getting bad. We both were tensed with work and emotional baggage was alot for him. Though we said many things to each other, which we didnt mean, I said alot. And then the eventual happened. He still cares for me. Love I am not so sure but its still there. He is an adamant person, who tries to stick to his decisions. But I have made him changed alot but for good. How do I get him back?

    • Kevin May 16, 2017, 1:18 am

      Hi Meera,

      With long distance, it’ll be harder to get him back but it’s still possible. I recommend doing no contact for a while and contact him again. Follow the plan.

  • Caz May 15, 2017, 7:40 am

    So long story short my bf broke up with me. I had trust issues with him as he lied quite a lot and we argued a lot however we were really good like best friends. It did get physical at one point where I slapped him on the neck that’s what triggered our breakup. I know it should never get to that point. I later apologised as I’ve never been violent and he had also been physical just before then but hi hadn’t hit me. Long story short we agreed that it can never happen again. So a week after we were fine. we booked a holiday then the next day he broke up with me. He says he still loves me and sees a future but we can’t be together together right now. I love him so much and it’s been two weeks since we broke up. We contacted each other during the first week but haven’t spoken to him since. And it’s been a week I’m struggling. I just want him back. Is it worth me trying?

  • mustafa hakimi May 18, 2017, 9:19 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    My ex left me about three weeks ago and we tried to stay friends but that didn’t work so I decided no contact and a week later she texts me asking if we can rebuild things and then a week later same thing happens… we had a talk the other day and basically she said she doesn’t know if she loves me cause we have been together for so long and is just used to me or because she actually does love me… she said she wants to know again what it’s like to miss me. I use to see her everyday but I was jealous,insecure and also very clingy. We both agreed to go no contact for a couple months and see what happens. Do you think it was just a way for her to let me down easy or is there a chance for us to rekindle what we had in the future going no contact?

    • Kevin May 19, 2017, 12:25 am

      Hey Mustafa,

      There is definitely a chance to get her back. Work on becoming more confident while you are doing no contact. There is a very good chance she will contact you before no contact is over.

  • JunJie May 19, 2017, 10:34 am

    Hi,
    My ex initiated to take a break from each other a month ago, i guess i didn’t handled this properly by spamming her with texts/questions and calls which she did not answer. We broke up over texting, she feels that we have drifted apart due to my work and her love has faded, she feels tired of trying to get to know my schedules and me neglecting her. I admit i was so caught up with my Job, and didnt realised this situation arising.
    We haven’t met for a month, she has blocked me on instastory (but not the instagram account). Kinda messy for a breakup. It was so sudden, we didn’t had any fights.
    I broke the “no-contact” rule after awhile and she blocked me off whatsapp.
    Today, We officially haven’t contacted each other for a week since then.

    What do you think is the situation right now? What could she be thinking of doing? And what should i do in order to have a chance of getting her back?

  • Allie June 4, 2017, 8:33 am

    Are you still answering people’s relationship questions? I just want to make sure before I type everything out.

    • Kevin June 5, 2017, 3:26 am

      Hey Allie,

      The comments are heavily moderated and I don’t usually answer them. I recommend you post on the message boards.

  • Bub June 5, 2017, 1:45 am

    Hi Kevin. So my boyfriend left me a month back cuz of my anger issues and since then I’ve begged him and everything to get back but nothing worked. And the problem is that we are in the same friends group. He said he loves me but he can’t think of getting back together because I get very weak when it comes to him. Please tell me what to do

    • Kevin June 5, 2017, 3:20 am

      Hey Bub,

      Do no contact and work on your anger issues. Get therapy or go to anger management classes. It will truly change your life and it might just help you get the love of your life back.

  • Fullmoon June 7, 2017, 11:07 pm

    It’s interesting how reading this a few days ago brought me to the realization that it’s OK if he didn’t come back, as a matter of fact I am taking greater steps to remove him entirely. Before now, it was approx 80% (maybe more) wanted him to return and 20% OK if he didn’t. Now, it’s 50-50 and it really is. This % will probably remain the same until I form another relationship or as time passes. Time has a way of demonstrating why someone had no place in your life and you become quite accepting and comfortable with such a decision, that if he were to return say a year later and am still unattached, I probably would not consider it. I won’t elaborate too much on this, but just to say thanks. Most people come here with the intention of getting back their ex, I didn’t get here with that in mind exactly, but I was still curious so I read on, can’t believe this gave me such profound insight that have motivated me to do a 180 turn.

    I do want to end with this.. Protect your hearts. A great many of the people we meet, we knew would disappoint us. We see the glaring red flags though tiny for
    some, but we dismiss them in hopes our gut feeling is wrong. The time spent getting over a broken heart is sooo much investment, way too much especially when we do this several times over.

    Wishing your hearts a speedy recovery and thanks Kevin!

    • Kevin June 8, 2017, 1:34 am

      Thank you for your comment Fullmoon. I appreciate it and I wish you best.

  • TheGuy June 26, 2017, 11:46 am

    Hello Kevin, thanks for all the great help on this website. Thank you.
    My ex broke up with me 2 months ago (together for 5 years, no kids). We have meet once and had a good talk. I am having a hard time using NC but did okay. Until 2 days ago, where I got a feeling that she started to see someone else. So I could not stop my self and went to new place at night. She lives in a flat on 3rd floor so I could not look into the windows. I was just standing 20 meters from the window. To my surprise she suddenly stood in the window. I am not sure that she saw me but I think she did.

    Should I text her “Sorry – it’s not going to happen again”?
    If she did not see me, she would probably ask what I mean, and I can say that the message was to someone else. I really don’t know what’s the right thing to do?

    Thanks, TheGuy

    • Kevin June 27, 2017, 1:17 am

      There is nothing to do. Just continue no contact and follow the plan. There is no need to apologize. Although, you should avoid doing something like this in the future.

  • Jax June 26, 2017, 8:58 pm

    Hey so my ex and I broke up a month ago because I was acting up and that she wanted space to do her own thing. I applied the no contact rule for a month and no response. I’m currently going to apply another round of no contact. I’m scared she might feel annoyed. After my second round should I just stop? I don’t want to but everyone has been telling me to stop. I feel like she’s happier and that the break up isn’t affecting her.

    • Kevin June 27, 2017, 1:13 am

      Did you contact her after no contact? If not, you should.

  • Patricia June 26, 2017, 10:56 pm

    My boyfriend and I were dating for two years he was my first sexual partner. I got mad at him because I thought he was cheating on me so he looked at me in the eyes and called me stupid. And I told him why was he mad at me and he said he was tired of all the arguininf. I left home cried and kept texting him that I wanted to see him. But he just ignored me. The next day two days passed and he broke up with me because he said he was done with all the arguing that we were never going to fix it. I did text him a lot saying I was sorry. But now I think that wasn’t the reason why he left me. What do I do.

Leave a Comment