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The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need To Know About It

no contactIf you’ve been searching about information on breakups on the internet, then you’ve certainly come across the term no contact rule. It’s simple, you don’t contact your ex for a certain amount of time. However, it’s not an easy thing to do. In fact, No Contact may be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do, especially if you and your ex were together for a long time. Why must you put yourself through it when you already know it’s going to be extremely hard? Is it really worth it? How and why does it work? In this article, we will talk about all these questions and help you figure out if doing no contact is the right choice for you.

What is The No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule simply means not contacting your ex. Let’s just assume your ex is a drug that you are addicted to and the only way you can stop addiction of this drug is go cold turkey. That’s exactly what you are doing here. You are going cold turkey on your ex. Because in many cases people are addicted to their ex and they do need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

  • No Text Messages
  • No phone calls
  • No going over to their house
  • No accidentally bumping into them
  • No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
  • No contacting them via your mutual friends
  • No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

Why Do No Contact?

don't call ex and feel betterAs I mentioned before, it’s like breaking an addiction to your ex. You have to learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it. But you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get back with them. It’s because unless you learn to live without them you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

To get more info about why you should do no contact, read this article.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on it’s own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are three categories of things that are mandatory during the no contact rule.

Physical Activity

working outThe no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

  • Yoga
  • Gym
  • Any type of Sports that you enjoy
  • Crossfit
  • Jogging

Social Activities

shopping with friendsEven though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period.  You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run.

Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

  • Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
  • Meditation
  • Spa
  • Massage
  • A Relaxing Bath

What To Avoid During The No Contact Period?

You also have to be careful during the no contact period of certain things you need to avoid. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact without making any progress in your life.

Obsessing Over Your Ex

Obsessing Over Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching every movement of your ex.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour through out the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is go cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s facebook everyday, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex everyday. In this case, it’s facebook. Delete your ex from your facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

FAQs about the No Contact Rule

In this section, we will explore some of the most frequently asked question about the No Contact Rule.

How Long For No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 30 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

What If You Break The No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, then it is highly recommended you start all over again. It’s just like breaking an addiction, if somewhere along the way you slip and start using drugs, then it’s better to stop it again and go cold turkey all over again.

Since the drug over here is your ex, and you are only suppose to go cold turkey for a month, that’s why you have to start the no contact rule from day 1 if you break it for whatever reason. The goal here is to prove to yourself that you can go without your ex for at least 30 days.

What if your ex contacts you? Does it count as breaking the no contact rule?

If your ex contacts you, it doesn’t count as breaking the no contact rule. However, if you respond to them, it is considered breaking the no contact rule. You are not to pick up their calls, text them or return their calls.

Of course, in case of emergencies, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.

What if you have a child together?

If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

  1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
  2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
  3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
  4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

What if you live together?

If you two live together, then I am sorry to tell you but your chances of getting back together are very less until you move out. Your ex is not going to miss you if they see you everyday. So, the best course of action will be to pack everything up and leave as soon as possible. However, in certain situations it is very hard to leave. In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.

  1. Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
  2. Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
  3. Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.

The Essence Of No Contact Rule

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the end, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up”. That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before the end of no contact, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

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869 comments… add one
  • mia January 8, 2014, 2:23 pm

    Very informative. Well written.
    I am on day 2 of no contact, and everything that was mentioned, I can relate to. My ex has called me 4 times and sent 2 long, extremely long, text messages. I must admit I was tempted to respond but didn’t. I started back the gym and I’m feeling good. When I get home I am usually so exhausted, my nights are made up of snores and not tears.
    Hurts like hell, but I know that I have to follow through in order to heal.
    Thanks again for your article…

    • Kevin January 8, 2014, 4:08 pm

      Thanks for your comment Mia. I am glad you it helped.

  • June January 28, 2014, 1:50 am

    What is your ex has already asked you not to contact them again? Does the no rule process still work?

    • Kevin January 28, 2014, 12:32 pm

      Yes it does.

  • steve January 29, 2014, 12:51 am

    My ex told me in december she never loved me and was not attracted to me after a year and a half she uses drugs but I want to be her knight in shining armor its been a week of no contact she text me once to change address oh we were engaged for 5 mounths do I have a chance?

    • Kevin January 29, 2014, 5:55 pm

      Hey Steve,

      It’s a bad idea to be the knight in shining armor of a drug addict. The only person who can help her turn her life around is her. In my opinion, you’ll just be wasting your time and energy on her. But yes, you do have a chance. Follow the plan.

  • michaelle January 30, 2014, 10:55 pm

    I can see the point of no contact rule. After the breakup, I did not contact my ex and had no intention of doing that. I just thought it was over. However, a few days after he contacted me. He said he was sorry and asked whether I was well and sent me a picture of us, taken the day before the break. I did not feel like responding, but I did respond after about 4 days. I simply said: “thank you for the photo, it is nice. Sorry I didn’t reply earlier. I am ok thank you and you?”. He replied rightaway “You don’t need to apologise 🙂 I am ok……..” and then wrote something about him buying a new suit for a wedding he is going to next weekend, a wedding of his best friend, a wedding he told me a great deal about. I didn’t feel like replying, and only replied the next day, saying “Well done on the suit, I bet it’s blue”; because I can’t imagine him wearing another colour. Then he sent another brief message and I didn’t reply any more. I am not sure I can now really start the no contact rule and whether it’d make sense. I would have made a lot of sense after his 1st message, but I didn’t think about it…I actually thought of asking him next week if he wants to go for a walk where he can tell me about the wedding and I can tell him other things, because he is shy and I think an offer of this kind will take the weight of his shoulders. However, I am in two minds because I can see the point of the 30 days no contact, and yet it seems that it’s a bit too late to implement that…it seems that now the contacts have taken place…it seems that now that can seem a bit out of place. He knows anyway I have a busy life and I am not sitting crying for him, that’s something he already knows…what do you advise?

    • Kevin February 1, 2014, 4:50 am

      Hey Michaelle,

      Considering the dynamics of your text messages (him initiating, you replying after a few days, and the fact that his replies come immediately), I’d say you don’t need the no contact rule for him to think of you as “not needy”. As of now, he seems to be the one who is chasing you, so if you want to meet him, then I think you are good to go. However, you still might need some time to think things through and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together. So, 30 days no contact might be beneficial in that aspect.

  • darlie February 2, 2014, 4:24 pm

    Hey I just read your article. I dated this guy early last year for 2 months. I became pushy and needy. He decided to end it. I was miserable and begging for him for the next few months. Till one day I decided to stop. We didn’t contact each other for 3 months. Then I contacted him back late last year. Well we started to be friends again. The attraction came back. Sadly it didn’t last for long. I became pushy and needy again. This because he doesn’t share much things with me. I became insecure. Again he decided we will never ever be together. And he put up religion as another issue for us. I managed to talk to him about us being just friends. Sadly that’s not what I wanted. How can I get him back. He said there’s no way he will ever be together with me again or open up his heart for me again.

    • Kevin February 4, 2014, 5:00 pm


      Did you stop contact with him this time? You did it once by not contacting him for 3 months. Do it again. Only this time, don’t ruin it with insecurity.

  • haryl February 2, 2014, 9:01 pm

    My ex was keep calling me when I start the no contact.it’s already 11 days since I never contact him and 11 days he keep calling me.I receive many calls from him and he either use other mobile number but still I didn’t recieve any call from him.and he send me 1 message(he said:just pick up my call please)but I didn’t response to his message.and this Feb 1 I receive 29 misscalls from him.I didn’t answer any of those calls.

    I lo’ve him so much and I know he is my soul mate..but I did try this 30 days no contact because when that time comes I want to be a better person.

    We don’t have a formal break up but I already assume it.

    I know he loves me a lot too.but I am a very jealous person and I control his life. Thats why I understand he become cold to me:(

    I already start this no contact rule so I will finish this!!!

    • Kevin February 4, 2014, 5:07 pm

      All the best Haryl. In cases like this, I usually recommend to just send an email to the ex explaining that you’ll contact them after some time and you need some space and time, before starting NC. This way, hopefully they will leave you alone for some time. But it’s totally your call. I hope everything works out for you. Try to work on your jealousy issues during this time. There are a lot of resources on the internet that can help you with this.

      • karishman February 9, 2014, 7:59 pm

        I broke up with ex 6months ago. But could even maintain 1month no contact. Max was 25 days. Bt since a month now I haven’t spoken 2 him. Hes dating another girl. He seems to like her alot. He was infatuated to her when we were dating. And he has not given me a proper reason for the breakup. What do I do. I seem to wamt him back. I have made all sort of mistakes possible.

        • Kevin February 10, 2014, 4:05 pm

          If it’s been a month, contact him using one of the methods mentioned in this article.

  • Jessica February 8, 2014, 8:38 am

    My problem is complicated, i have been on off wuth a guy for4 yrs, he has been seeing me and unknowingly at the time seeing and living with his other gf, we live 40 miles apart, they split when i found out about her and told her he had been seeing me too. He stopped calling me. Then last Feb he called me after 6 months of no contact, ( but only 2 months after i had last sent him a message. Hecontacted me out of the blue, wanting to facetime, i agreed, he contacted me every morning and night for 4 days then said he had big news he was back with his ex and she was pregnant!i was devastated, why did he keep contacting me? We then met and saw each other to say goodbye, but he kept in touch and saw me throughout pregnancy. She had the baby in september only one week before the baby was due heasked to see me I said i cldnt, i ended it by telling her but they sre still together he contact me after i told her asking why i told her, i said i cldnt bear it that he was messing me around, i love him and yes Im obsessed by him. i sent him a farewell text dmas eve saying it is timeto let him go. i miss him but i havent contacted him for 6/7 wks. will theno contqct rule work am i mad for even wanting it to? I am so sad and down, i have children from my previous long marriage . i do not love my exhusbane but my heart is broken for my ex boyfriend. I sm busy at work, busy with the gym, friends, my children, i know you will think im crazy for wanting him back.

    • Kevin February 9, 2014, 6:55 pm

      Hey Jessica,

      I think you need to stay no contact for a little while longer. Not only to make him miss you but also for your obsession about him to stop. It seems that deep inside you know that he is not good for your life and he’ll only bring more pain. I think you should not decide to get back with him unless you learn to be happy in your life without him.

  • alex February 8, 2014, 3:15 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    Thanks for the article 🙂 it helps a bit! just a quick question… how do i do the no contact rule if we work together? is it at all possible? today is the month since the break up and outside of work i didn’t contact him even once… in april i will have a month long holidays, that might be applicable then i hope 🙂 but what to do before then? thanks!

    • Kevin February 8, 2014, 3:37 pm

      Only talk to them if it’s related to work. Don’t have any personal conversation with them.

  • Lindsay February 9, 2014, 1:28 am

    I can’t decide if I should do the no contact rule or not. We broke up a week ago and I texted for the first two days but not much. And it wasn’t beggy or needy texts either. For the first two days I was devastated. I went the rest of the time without contacting her because I wanted the time to think about what I wanted for myself and I wanted to give her some space. During the time I took to think, I quickly discovered that I kind of lost sight of a lot of things and I know what happened in our relationship to drive us apart. I know that I want her back and that the things I need to fix are things that I want to fix for myself. I feel like I have made a big break-through with what little time has passed. I haven’t cried since I stopped contacting her, I’m not obsessing over what she’s always doing, and I’m not wanting to text her every second of the day. If anything, I just think about how I hope that she’s doing alright and is happy. I’ve also gotten back into what I love doing; going out with friends, doing things on my own, seeing family and just having fun. However, I still know that I love her and want to be with her. I’ve taken time to heal my heart and truly assess what I want. So, this all being said, I don’t know if I should still do the no contact rule for 30 days or if I should just send her a text to try and start mending things between us?

    • Kevin February 9, 2014, 7:14 pm

      If you’ve already reached a point where you are confident that you can talk to her and make her attracted to you again, then yes, technically there’s no need for no contact. However, waiting a couple of weeks before contacting her can not hurt. It might even help since it’ll give her some time to miss you.

  • Katrina February 10, 2014, 12:05 pm

    I broke up a week ago and I’ve broken every rule with no contact I’ve just read the plan and it all makes sense I plan on doing the no contact thing starting right now I’m also going to get off Facebook for the time of no contact as I find myself checking his page ( he’s already unfriended me) I know why he left me cos I have an anger problem and one too many fights since the fight that broke the camels back it took a week for him to decide it was finally over and day after the fight I knew straight away it was over I booked in to see ppl about my anger /stress/jealousy problem and have since seen someone I’ve told him this…after the fight he told me he wanted space and what did I do I flooded him with txt msgs and when he finally said it was over I flooded with txt msgs …do U think I’ve done too much damage already !! Today I said I wanted to fix this and his reply was make more of an effort..he said when he called it off he wants to take a step back and become Friends again…I know I’ve hurt him and i so hope this plan will work….thanks look forward to putting this in motion …

    • Kevin February 10, 2014, 4:52 pm

      You didn’t do too much damage. In fact, I think your chances are pretty good. He wants you to make some changes and you are already on your way to make them. All the best!

  • Sandy February 10, 2014, 7:53 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Thanks for the articles. I’ve been reading them as much I can. My situation is my husband left me for another woman that he’s sure is “the one” for him and that he’s in love with her. We have two young children that will be affected by this separation. The thing at this point is we still see each other every day because of the children. As of yesterday, I told him that I’m done with him and for him to just be with her. I want to move on with my life without him. I want whatever he has with her to just play out. I believe it’s a rebound relationship. She’s also going through her own divorce. I do want him back, but not the way he is right now. He’s no longer the person I was in love with.

    • Kevin February 11, 2014, 7:45 am

      You did the right thing and you have the right attitude towards this. All the best!

  • Tim February 11, 2014, 3:31 am

    I broke up with my ex few weeks ago. My situation is kind of different than others. I think her parents are involved in, too. They said I was okay for boyfriend but no more than that. Anyways, I begged, called, and did text to her for three days after she told me that our relationship is done. But, she didn’t change her mind and put up religion as another issue for us. On the next day, I just stopped begging her and turned into N/C rule, and she text me back saying kind of like “Cheer up” three days after of N/C. But, I didn’t reply. So, my question is should I text her back soon? or wait ?
    If your answer is waiting, then how long? and what if she doesn’t contact me again? and wait until she says that she wants to get back together or just ask her what does she want me to do?

    • Kevin February 11, 2014, 4:20 pm

      Don’t reply. If she contacts again, still don’t reply. Finish 30 days without replying to her. Contact her after 30 days, but don’t tell her you want to get back together.

      • Tim February 11, 2014, 9:51 pm

        Ok, but what if she thinks I moved on and telling me she is ok without me when I contact her after 30 days?
        And what should I say when I text her first?

        • Kevin February 12, 2014, 12:37 pm

          You can find answers to both your questions in this article.

          • Tim February 13, 2014, 3:46 am

            Oh! I forgot to tell you the reason why her parents forced her to break up. it’s because they knew we went to far. she was with another guy at her dorm. Also, she told her parents that I was mad about that she was staying with the guy friend, but she didn’t tell her parents it was her dorm. Which made me mad. Anyways, I was so mad that I argue with her like crazy. Then I told her to break up first and she said no…… but after she phone called with her mom and she was telling me to break up. And situation was changed that I started begging, crying and telling her I would die without you. But she left telling me she has to go. And this is what it has to be.
            Do you still think my ex will come back if I try this N/C or should I try some other ways?

          • Kevin February 13, 2014, 4:27 pm

            Yup, still N/C is the way to go.

  • Alex K February 11, 2014, 2:17 pm

    Hi Kelvin. About 7 days ago my Ex texted to say it was over. I should never call or SMS her ever again that she has got someone more serious and handsome than me.. at first I got so uncomfortable with the situation so I called her once to know if I wronged her in anyway but she said same as the SMS that I should never contact her again. So I said its OK. I hanged up. Since then I never called I follow the no contact rule. Next 2 days I received missed calls from private number and also occurred the next two other days. Dnt know but I did answer one of the calls but the caller Neva said a word so I hanged up. I never tried contacting my ex during this period of my no contact tho I drove into her once I acted like I Neva saw her and drove into my compound because she lives close to my house in same street. Its been 8days now since I started the no contact rule. I was going out with my elder bro last night I was actually looking really attractive and I walked into my ex . I said hello I was really confident with a smile on. She said hi too and asked were I was headed I told her I wad going to check on someone around a street near by. She was quite nervous when we walked into eachother.. I never said much I just asked if all was well? She said yeah. I said OK. Alright and so I took my leave. Please I need advice hope I haven’t broken the no contact rule but bumping into her or saying hello?

    • Kevin February 11, 2014, 4:28 pm

      Continue no contact for another 30 days and then contact her.

  • ashley February 11, 2014, 2:41 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    my ex and I dated for 2 months and he broke up with me because he saw a guy texted my phone and i had replied to them (just friends of mine). He then started calling me a whole bunch of names and a liar and he couldn’t trust me. He kicked me out of his house after a huge fight. I begged for another chance and he gave it to me and we were going to work on “things”. The whole time after that he would think i lied about everything and we would fight non stop and he had so much power over me and could talk to me however he wanted (mean things of course). So he broke up with me again and started talking to a whole bunch of girls and even slept with one because he found out i went on a date after out breakup. A week later he broke up with me again and I tried to do everything to get him back. Was buying him food, going to hangout with him , had sex with him:(. This time he blocked my number so i showed up at his house and we got into it and it got physical. When i left he said dating me was the worst mistake of his life and im crazy!…. I miss him so much and really want him back! I know hes talking to a lot of girls right now too so he prob forgot about me! Ive not talked to him in 2 days.

    • Kevin February 11, 2014, 6:59 pm

      Whatever you do, don’t talk to him for the next 60 days. And think very hard about whether or not you want to get back with him. He’s clearly abusive and even though I know you don’t want to hear it, but you should not get back with him. You are just going to be miserable with him. You’ve wasted 2 months of your life with him, don’t waste the next 10 years before realizing that he is abusive. This breakup is probably a blessing in disguise for you.

  • Sophie February 12, 2014, 1:55 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex and I have been together for 2 and a half years. He was my first love and serious relationship. We made it through my first year at university but he broke up with me on Sunday after being off with me for about a month and eventually ignoring me until I called him on Sunday and he ended it with me over the phone. I am so confused his reasons are he doesn’t want to do a long distant relationship anymore, doesn’t feel he can commit, he is not happy, but still loves me and misses me and its just the situation we are in. I am so confused because throughout our relationship he was always very needy and obsessive, he always treated me well we went on various holidays together and made it through one and a half years of a long distance relationship. I just cannot seem to get over it. I have arranged to see him tonight to talk face to face (bad move I know, but I cannot accepted to be dumped with a shabby excuse over the phone after 2 and a half years). He used to be so in love with me and always want to call and talk to me. Now he say’s he doesn’t have the time and doesn’t want to worry about having to speak to me, when he used to WANT to and he always wanted to come up and see me and even said we made it through the first year and that was the hardest. We argued a fair amount but only because he was annoyed that I was busy and couldn’t speak to him all the time. How can he just suddenly change and want nothing to do with me? I miss him so much and just want to be with him. What do you think he is thinking and what should I do?

    • Kevin February 13, 2014, 3:58 pm

      I don’t what changed in him and what caused it. I hope you got some answers in your meeting.

  • Francisco February 12, 2014, 5:14 pm

    I APOLOGIZE for the long thread. My gf left me on feb 2. We have know each other 5 years. We have been together 2 years officially. But this started as an affair and turned into a relationship. She has two small children. I have none. She feels I have moved to slow to progress things to the next level. The father of the children is deceased, so I get her concerns. I really tried to make it work considering we didn’t live together but it was not enough for her. With this being said, we have had MAJOR blowouts in this relationship over prior baggage and over her urgency to move forward and her feeling I’m stalling or giving her excuses about moving forward. I feel two years is a good transition period. Last year she tried to leave and I made her a lot of promises about us moving forward. Some of which I kept but we never took the big step. Now, she left for good. I already broke the N/C rule several times and have even had contact with her mom and friend. She feels that every time she tries to leave I promise marriage and now she doesn’t believe it. I made many poor judgement calls in this relationship and admit I may have moved to slow. In a situation where a woman feels its the “same old” cycle, do I have a chance of the N/C rule working. I do love her and she loves and misses me. And she is angry and hurt right now. I feel like she is done for good. But I do want to work things out and make the rights moves going forward. I even told her we can get married over the April break. She said “your crazy and always act on impulse, you’re not genuine… I don’t trust your word.” She is hurting and was borderline depressed over this toward the end. I was also not happy all the time. But I always thought we can get through it some how. Will the N/C rule work here?? Advice please????

    • Kevin February 13, 2014, 4:03 pm

      Well, IMO when you told her to get married over the April break, you were actually acting on impulse. Yes, the N/C rule will work and you should really think whether or not you want to take things forward during the no contact period. If you decide that you are ready to get married after that, it’ll be genuine and she’ll believe it. And if you decide you don’t want to get married, then you should let her go.

  • Brianna February 13, 2014, 12:37 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    First of all, thank you so much for this website. I spent my morning reading every article, and I finally feel like I know what to do to start feeling better.

    I’m a little concerned that I’ve made too many mistakes to get my ex back. We were together solidly and living together for the last year, but including the ons and offs pre-living together we were together for 2 and a half years.

    We started our relationship on rocky terms. He told me he was single and he wasn’t. The first year was him going back and forth between me and another woman. One of the reasons I have so much faith in your no contact is because during that first year I eventually came to the realization that I wouldn’t and shouldn’t be someone else’s woman, and I ended things for 4 months. During that period I moved out of the area and we had no contact. When I returned he had broken things off with the other woman for good and we tried again. For the last year and a half of my life I have been in the most loving, mutual, respectful relationship I could have ever imagined for myself.

    That being said, our break-up occurred after a public fight outside of a bar. I embarrassed him in front of friends and people who had mentored him that he respected. The fight was directly caused by my jealousy and in retrospect I realize I had been holding the beginning of our relationship over his head though it had no baring on where we were at that point. It took a couple of days for him to decide we were over (after another but much smaller fight). I think I should also mention that we were never the type of people to get in fights, and most definitely never in public. He asked me for space so I went to my parents house for a week. When I returned home he traveled to one of his close friend’s house for a couple of days. I had been trying to “work on me”. I was trying to be more mature, less possessive, and more trusting, because he deserved my trust. At this point we were trying to find a way to work it out.

    When he returned from his friend’s house he ended things with me and though we were still sleeping in the same bed and acting as though things were okay, within a week he moved out.

    Since then I have broken rules. I have begged him. I have told him I’d changed and that I would continue changing. I reprimanded him for giving up on our relationship so easily. I became his door mat. I called him crying. I haven’t been aggressively contacting him. Maybe once every two days or so and sometimes he is the one who contacts me. It’s been a month since the break up and as time has gone on, I have become better and better at talking to him less or not at all.

    After reading your articles I finally realize that I need to work on me and take the no contact period. Regardless of the answer to my next question I will take that time, because I recognize that it is what’s best for me, but I made one mistake (I perceive it as a mistake) that you didn’t explicitly talk about in any of the articles. I slept with him after the break up.

    Once I went with him to a doctor’s appointment because he was meeting with a surgeon and was nervous about going alone, and that night we ended up sleeping together, which (this is great) ended in me hysterically crying as I drove him back to where he’s staying. He was drunk and having an anxiety attack.

    Then a second time (in full disclosure, last night) I texted him and asked him to come over. After we did what we did I made it clear I wanted him to leave. He asked me if he could give me a hug to which I responded “Yeah, we just had sex. I think I can handle a hug.”

    This feels like a huge mistake to me. Was it? I feel like men think very differently from women. For me sex is intimacy, but did I just give him means to use me as a door mat?

    So here’s my real question, Are my mistakes too big to ever get him back?

    Again, thank you so much for running this website and writing these articles. You truly are a lifesaver.

    • Kevin February 13, 2014, 5:17 pm

      OK, the reason I didn’t include “having sex with your ex” as a mistake in the article is because I believe it’s only a mistake if you are a girl and you want your ex boyfriend back. I believe if you are a guy and you manage to have sex with your ex, it can be advantageous for you. And since the article is for both men and women, it didn’t make sense to include it.

      Anyways, having sex with your ex boyfriend is pretty much like every other mistake mentioned in the 5 step plan. It’s does make you look needy and like a doormat, but it’s nothing that the no contact rule can’t fix. So, don’t worry about the fact that you slept with him or that you begged him and kept calling him. Just make sure that before you contact him, you don’t have any traits of neediness left in you and you feel strong enough to resist any temptation you might have of sleeping with him.

      PS: You just gave me an idea for my next article.

  • Anshul February 14, 2014, 8:45 am

    Hi Kevin i subscribed To your mails..but my problem is quite different ..i broke up with my girlfriend because i thought i love another girl (but it was a rebound) and i wont be able To love my girlfriend but after 7 months i felt like i love her i want To be with her Because living with her is like heaven she was the sweetest girl i love her but when i asked her To be Together she Told me that she moved on she doesn’t feel anything therefore i Did all d above mentioned mistakes in fact i wrote a letter with blood To her To get back with her but still she doesn’t feel anything Sometimes she says she needs time even To make me friend..What should i do? Should i follow NC rule? Or i should try To contact her?we’ve been in a serious relationshIp for 2 years ..is it possible that we’ll be Together? ? What should i do? will she ever come back or she Has really moved on?

    • Kevin February 14, 2014, 12:51 pm

      Jesus Man. What made you think writing a letter in blood was a good idea? You really should follow the NC rule. Don’t try to contact her for at least 60 days. And for God’s sake don’t every do anything so stupid again. You might think that’s a romantic thing to do, but for everyone else (including your ex) it’s borderline crazy and extremely needy.

  • Tristy February 14, 2014, 4:07 pm

    Hello Kevin, I’m very glad I found this article. My ex broke up with me because I got upset easily, I got mad at him quite often, well, in his point of view. He said he’s no longer feel comfortable whenever I was around. I want to have no contact with him, but I’m afraid he won’t miss me 🙁 actually I want more than 30 days of no contact, but the next 30 days after we broke up is exactly his birthday, I want to give him something, is this ok? Or should I just text him a happy birthday? Please answer, and excuse my English. Your article delighted my day 🙂

    • Kevin February 16, 2014, 3:29 pm

      No, don’t give him any gifts. It’s needy. Just send him a happy birthday text. But I’ll recommend you wait another week after the Happy Birthday text before contacting him again.

  • Stacey February 14, 2014, 7:34 pm

    Thank you for being here Kevin, I’m glad I’ve come across your site , my situation in short is my ex and I met in recovery from alcohol a lil over 3 yrs ago , whilst my ex is very passive avoiding any confrontation or honesty about his feelings I’m very passionate like to find solutions and talk through things , this in itself made for a difficult time in communicating, this became apparent early days and only being in recovery for a short while I doubted whether the timing was right for us and tried to break it off on several occasions for the first year , to which my ex would go off isolate and drink I would then rescue him because in my heart I was sure I cared and loved him he would promise things would change that he wouldn’t shut down and speak more about his feelings , constantly in his head and problems with bringing his son into our home because of his behaviour and my partners lack of setting boundaries for his son or being consistent (feeling guilty) it all got quite nasty and although we was living together , he would walk out every month regardless of how that left me and my daughter who called him dad by the end …. I felt he stopped trying when his mum passed sick of the relationship going round in circles I know for me the last 9 months was spent for me with mental exhaustion and depression is tried everything and it was going from bad to worse, I’ve had a lot of health issues also Over that 3 yrs of being together a full hysterectomy and back probs that due to be operated on .. My ex left 6 months ago after I asked him too because his hole attitude and personality changed he was abusive unloving and uncaring in the end which wasn’t what he was like when I first met him , he left me and my daughter and only texted a curtasy txt every other week … I was soooo hurt , and only replied on a ‘ I’m ok thank you I hope alls good with you ‘ eventually the txts stopped a few weeks ago …. Before now if we split he would do all the above.. beg, call, turn up shaking crying saying things like’ I can be the man you need please take me back I loved him and was desperate for it to work so would try again , this time is very different , he has stopped all contact , I’ve txt a couple of times regarding stuff that needs to be sorted and he has been very short in his replies …. To the point where I asked him if he wanted me to not contact him on any level in any capacity ? and he said …’he wanted it left here now ‘ …. I am by no means suggesting this is all down to him I’m aware it takes two … And it’s been hard work!!! I miss his being so much, I sent a txt today simply saying I miss you and had no reply … Do you think the N/C rule could apply here??? Or do you think he is moving on and I should do the same ?? I’ve never known him to be so staunch!!! mad , as he couldn’t apply this to other people (which caused us to fall out on many occasions) but seems to be managing to be staunch with me to the point I think he must really hate me … Not a nice feeling ..
    Thank you for taking the time to read my war and piece … And that was in short :-O lol x

    I forgot to mention that when my ex’s mum passed away he inherited a lot of money …. Before that he was in debt when I met him and I helped him manage his outgoing and he got himself straight … As soon as his inheritance came through whilst on one of his walking out times he bout himself a big house with it for him and his son , I was so upset he’d take such a drastic move without telling me , he said he’d bought it as a distraction … X

    • Kevin February 16, 2014, 3:18 pm

      Hey Stacey,

      Compared to some of the comments and emails I get, this is “Animal Farm”. 🙂

      Anyways, it’s hard to say where he is at life. It could be he is going through a hard time and or it could be that he is thinking about moving on. Whatever it is, you can’t really do anything about it. I think no contact can only do you good. Give him the space and time and after then contact him. You’ll be the one who will have to make all the moves. If he still seems cold after that, you should move on.

      • Stacey February 17, 2014, 12:42 pm

        Thank you for your reply Kevin , doesn’t sound promising does it !!! I’m not familiar with the phrase
        ‘Animal farm’ what does it mean ???? X

        • Kevin February 17, 2014, 1:51 pm

          It’s a book by George Orwell. Read it, it’s good. 🙂

          • Stacey February 19, 2014, 6:39 pm

            Hi ya Kevin, just an update, I heard from my ex yesterday txting “r u alright” I havnt returned a txt and just checking that the no contact rule applies ??? It’s so mad , since I’ve found your website I’ve been making some small progress with accepting what is and already started putting some work in on myself , my health and getting out and about not isolating as much and making a more concious effort yo take care of myself and be gentle with and on myself , I’m so grateful for all your suggestions!!! def a push in the right direction me thinx

          • Kevin February 20, 2014, 9:43 am

            Yes, the no contact rule applies. If he keeps on contacting you, send him text asking for some time and space. All the best.

  • Sarah February 14, 2014, 9:04 pm

    I started dating a guy I know quite recently after he’s tried for years to be more. Well, I finally let him take me out and have ended up really really liking him. We live 2 hours apart (a long distance relationship) so never get to see a lot of each other, however whenever we both could we’d see each other for a few days at a time and I’d say it was perfect. No neediness, 100% trust, consistency, he was a million percent attentive. Well we dated for 4 months and would talk all day everyday via text and were like love sick puppies when apart. Until one day he just went cold. I obviously was shocked as we are both normally so full on I went a bit needy and questioned why he was being off and what we were etc. In which he said VIA TEXT he’s not ready for a serious relationship, his work has to come first, and his ex gf (from over a year ago) affected his work and he wasn’t prepared to let that happen again when work has to be number one. I am truly gutted and can’t understand how he could go from full on to cold overnight. He said he wants to be friends yet ignored my last two messages so hardly being a friend…he’d usually responds immediately. He is still viewing my snapchat stories and still follows me on twitter….it’s like he doesn’t want me but is still nosing on what I’m up to. I haven’t spoke to him in 6 days and am trying to keep myself busy. What are the chances the NCR will work when he’s said work has to come first and he lives away? Can I change his mind?

    • Kevin February 16, 2014, 11:58 am

      The chances of NC working in your case are pretty good. He’s afraid of commitment and the fact that the relationship was becoming too serious. During no contact, he’ll probably start missing you and realize that he ended a good relationship simply because of his irrational fear. You just need to make sure that you don’t turn his irrational fears into legitimate reasons. Don’t be needy at all when you contact him after NC.

  • Marie Elena February 16, 2014, 7:06 am

    Ok so what if one week shy from ending NC, you run into your ex-boyfriend & he sends a drink to your table & you both get “butterflies”? The love is still there but you feel like your not ready yet & neither is he but you have a great night of conversation. Would you start NC over or just let your emotions flow? I really want to ask him out on a casual outing like bowling or something. Should I? He was the dumper by the way.

    • Kevin February 16, 2014, 11:24 am

      If you think you are ready for it, yes. Don’t start NC all over again. But still I’ll recommend you wait for a week.

      • Marie Elena February 17, 2014, 3:37 am

        Ok! Thanks for replying back!

  • winx February 19, 2014, 11:39 am

    Thanks for the info man. But i need to ask. The girl i was in relationship for two years broke up with me. She just started acting weird for some reason. Well for those 2 years ive been a jerkto her and wanted to stop the relationship but still she kept begging , it was like a abusive relationship. But then she met this new guy and started acting all weird, when i broke up with her she immediately said yes and that freaked me out. Ive been in no contact for 10 days. I feel like shit. Is this Karma? Will she ever return ?

    • Kevin February 19, 2014, 1:46 pm

      Can’t say for sure if she’ll return, but if she does, make sure you treat her with respect this time. If she doesn’t, learn your lesson and move on.

  • LostLove February 20, 2014, 3:06 am

    I’m on day 13 of no contact, though he ended our relationship the end of January so about 3.5 weeks ago. He has not made any attempts to contact me. Me, on the other hand sent him an email and text 13 days ago. The first week after the breakup, I was hurt, upset and angry with him. Eventually I started thinking from his perspective why he ended things and it him me like a ton of bricks that many of my behaviors were what brought us to this point. He did want to break up with me around month 3 of our relationship, but we talked and decided to continue to date. A few weeks later, he opened up a situation in his life that was causing him much stress. At that point, I realized my feelings for him and that I loved him. Before that, I was unsure of how our relationship was going as he is a quiet guy and doesn’t open up much.

    After that point we had a really good few months where he said he loved me and I said it to him and meant it. We were communicating well and having a good time with each other. Unfortunately, I did not realize that some of the things that had bothered him about me were resurfacing, as I had not truly realized what he meant at the time he’d wanted to end the relationship. I wish I had understood and looked at things from his perspective then, but alas I did not.

    Fast forward to mid-December, and a small situation that could have been discussed turned into a larger argument. I said something with the wrong tone, he got offended and we didn’t speak until a few days later, after I called and texted him. We resolved this issue and I was trying to move past this situation, when about a month ago, things went downhill again. Again, it was the way I said things and about him and the way I approached the situation that sent him off the edge. It does not excuse his behaviors and words, however, as he’s made mistakes. The point of this messgae is to acknowledge and take responsibility for my actions and that I am a changed person for the better because of it.

    When he ended it he said things along the lines of us not clicking and that he didn’t love me…I know he does care about me and love me. There’s no doubt in my mind…I just want to have the opportunity to talk with him eventually and discuss from his point of view what went wrong and for me to discuss what I thought went wrong. Also I want to let him know that I know of all my mistakes and that I will work my hardest at not repeating them now that I know what they were. I truly did not realize what the heck I was doing wrong during our relationship and was instigating things with him, when I should have checked myself first.

    Now, I need to know what to do…On another message board, people suggest i send a letter of apology asap and on here, people say No Contact is the way to go. I’m split because I know my mistakes and want to let him know, but at the same time, don’t want to appear clingy/needy and contact him before 30 days have passed.

    I am making changes and even started a new hobby to make myself feel better. I am trying my hardest to put other people first and to think outside of my perspective. My life situation was not easy as a child into adulthood. I realize though that I should not let others be affected by my past, as it ruins my chances of a good future.

    I just really hope that all hope is not lost with him. He means a lot to me.

    Thank you for reading my message.

    • Kevin February 20, 2014, 8:20 am

      You can send a letter of apology straight away. Use the format in this article. Then wait another 30 days and contact him. But don’t talk about getting back together straight away.

      • lostlove February 22, 2014, 1:45 am

        Ok, the article indicates there’s a sample letter sent by email? I subscribed to daily emails and have yet to see a sample apology letter. That would be of great help at this point.

        Also, what and how will I contact him after 30 days? What will I say to him?


        • Kevin February 25, 2014, 7:08 pm


          It’s the eight email in the series.

      • LostLove February 22, 2014, 2:53 pm

        What will I say to him after the 30 days of no contact? Should I text, call, email him? Also, the format is helpful, but the article says that if you subsribe to emails, that I will receive a sample letter in the email. I’d like to see a sample of that letter.

        Thank you

        • Kevin February 25, 2014, 6:17 pm


          The sample letter is the eight email in the series. So you should wait for eight days. I kept it this way because I think it’s best for people to wait a while before sending the letter.

  • Stacey February 21, 2014, 10:59 pm

    Hey Kevin! I was with my ex for 2 years & we were very much in love until his family decided to hate me. (Brothers are drug addicts & decided I’m the devil) He broke up with me abruptly 4 months ago & I went no contact after a few weeks of me trying. We didn’t speak for 6 weeks. I eventually got back in contact & he apologised & said he had been really miserable & confused. He wanted to sort it out which was music to my ears! He saw me a few times & went cold on me again? I asked him what was wrong & he said he needs to be alone & it’s over. I was emotional & upset of course as it was over before we even gave it another shot!! Didn’t speak for a week until I called him valentines day & cried. He seemed sad but frustrated. We’ve been in touch briefly since then & he was even interested in seeing me when I asked & would then leave me hanging? When I asked him for money he owed me via text he would write long replies being funny? I don’t get it?!? I want him back but I don’t know what to do? Should I go no contact again & will it work 4 months since the breakup??
    Thanks 🙁

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 7:12 pm

      Yes, no contact will still work. Also, send him a letter (or a text) telling him you’ve accepted the breakup and you think it was for the best as mentioned in this article.

  • lana February 22, 2014, 3:13 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Any advice on if your ex doesn’t respond at all when you reach out after NC? I’m approaching day 30 soon and have an email ready to send. He hasnt tried to contact me at all during this period and i’m afraid he will do the same with my email or any texts i send him. Any advice on what to do? Should i prompt him for a response with a follow-up email or text?

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 6:25 pm

      If he doesn’t reach out, you wait another week and then contact him using a text. But in most cases, they do reply, even if they don’t try to contact you during NC.

      • lana February 25, 2014, 11:08 pm

        Thanks so much for getting back to me. Truly appreciate it.

        I have been reading relationship rewind and just got your email with a sample message. Does one supersede the other? Your email template suggests writing a super short email, while relationship rewind (deaths door) is a little bit longer. Is it okay to have my message a bit longer? I have a lot to apologize for and have followed to tenets of the initial contact (i.e. i dont blame him, i dont say i miss him etc.). Would having a long message ruin my chances?

        Thanks so much

        • Kevin February 26, 2014, 7:47 pm

          It’s OK to have it longer. I don’t think it will ruin your chances as long as you are following the principles of initial contact.

  • Sad Heart February 23, 2014, 11:18 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My boyfriend and I have been on the rocks for a few months now due to constant arguing and communication issues. At one point, our arguments have gotten physical. Because of past issues/feelings we have had and things we hold against each other, it’s been hard for us to move forward and stop the arguing. Honestly, I feel our issues could have been resolved with a good therapist. He has been saying he wants to leave and breaking up with me on and off since October. Every time, I would convince him and beg him to stay and he did. I know I shouldn’t have but it’s too late now. We have been together almost two years. We met and got together in his home state and when I got a job offer in California, he moved here with me. We did everything fast had planned on being together forever and getting married but the emotions/arguing and my depression with the situation at my new job has taken such a toll on our relationship to the point where he feels he is no longer in love with me and the fighting is a burden and added stress on his life. The day before Valentines day, he finally decided he couldn’t do it anymore and broke it off. On Valentines day, we fought and argued but by the end of the day he still have me the gift he had bought for me and we kissed. That night, we slept in the same bed, on opposite sides. The next day he went out of town with his friends, while out partying, he lost his wallet and got lost and his phone was dying. He called me and I helped him by paying for a taxi to get him home. He called me the next morning thanking him for saving his life and when he got back, we decided to take it day by day. Then yesterday, I got upset because of the way our relationship was (I shouldn’t have been so emotional) , he was irritated and tired of dealing with issues and he broke it off for good.
    He is not financially stable enough to get his own place right now so is staying with friends and kind of bumming it. I feel bad and wanted him to stay here but he says he wants to be able to be single, go out on dates and sleep with other women. There is no way I could live with him while he does that so he moved out this morning. He says he still loves me but doesn’t think we’re good for each other right now because of the arguing. When we broke up, we were both crying and hugging. He says the door is never closed for us and maybe sometime down the line we will rekindle but he can’t guarantee that (obviously) and definitely not right now. He also says hes never felt like theres still a chance in any other break up and really feels I am an amazing woman. After all the begging and pleading the last few months, I’ve decided to finally stop but I don’t know if it’s too late. I helped him pack all his things, he slept over (no sex just hanging out, watching tv), and this morning I picked a fight because he was still hanging around me but claiming he wanted to leave me so bad. The truth is, last night we had a good night but after that, we argued this morning and he left. He was only around today because he didn’t really have anywhere to go. I feel like I shouldn’t have made him leave and also just don’t know if NC will help or hurt in this situation. I still help him financially because we have some bills together so there may still be some communication there. Should I stop helping him financially even though it might seriously affect him? Should I just let him live here and try to be the person he fell in love with again so he can see? Should I let him go and do NC? Is it a lost cause? Help!!!

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 3:00 pm

      I don’t think you should stop helping him financially unless he asks you to do it. And yes, no contact will help you in your situation. Don’t try to make him stay with you. It’s good for both of you that you don’t see each other for a while. Follow the plan in this article.

      • Sad Heart February 25, 2014, 3:55 pm

        Hi Kevin,

        Do you think NC is a lost cause? I already begged him to come back for 10 days and he’s been saying over and over that his answer is not going to change and me talking about our relationship everyday and asking these questions is making it worse and pushing him away and “Unattractive”. at one point, i pushed so hard he started to Bawl and say hes so tired of this conversation the answer is no! He’s already started flirting with and courting other women (gifts etc). Do you think its too late and I already ruined it? We are still talking and he wants to be “friends” and maybe everything will rekindle if we can be friends again. He says in the past we’ve been so focused on the relationship qspect, we havent cared for each other as friends first. It’s hard for me to do that though and I can’t start NC until he finally moves out. What do I do till then? It’s so hard to not ask about us while he’s right here in my face 🙁

        • Kevin February 25, 2014, 8:50 pm

          Apply limited contact. Don’t talk about anything personal and create your own space in the house you are living in. Don’t talk to him about anything other than house related stuff. If he asks about your changed behavior, let him know that you need some space and time and in your opinion, this is the only way you can create some space for yourself.

          • Sad Heart February 28, 2014, 6:24 am


            I really appreciate your help. He moved out a few days ago (I wasn’t home). I called him to wish him the best etc… he said he’d meet me in the morning for our dmv appointment. I said oh ok we’ll just talk then and he says “what’s there to talk about?”. I said what I had to say and he said “likewise”. He was very short. The next morning when he came to pick me up, I gave him the rest of his things, got my keys and other things and did not join him for the appointment. He asked to borrow my ipad to use as a tv since he is staying with someone right now but I simply said no. The next day I saw on the ipad/imessage (he used to also use it) that he talked to and had been complaining to multiple women about us/the breakup and later that night went to the movies with one (basically on a date). This is all literally the day after he moved out. From the messages, its clear he has been lying to me about the extent of his relationships with these girls for months and has cheated. I also saw in his e-mail he signed up for “millionare match” dating site, a website to “meet rich women” three days before he moved out! He seems like such a scam artist. I’m glad I came across these messages because it shows me the real reason we broke up–he wasn’t even really here for months.

            He has been driving one of my cars and helped with a few of the payments but now that we are through, I have asked for my car back on Monday (politely via text). He responded that Monday is too soon and that he was thinking April 1st. I didn’t respond right away and then he called several times (no answer) then showed up at my house within 45minutes wanting to talk (even though according to him “theres nothing to talk about”). I was on my way out and he pulled up next to my car to block me in and asked me why I was ignoring him. On the spot, I just lied and said I didn’t get his calls. At first he refused to move but I kept on saying I had to go and was in a rush so then he said ok let’s talk tomorrow when he comes to give me the $200 I let him borrow earlier this week. I agreed. But as much as I want to talk and get answers about the lies and the other women, I know I won’t get the responses I want and the conversation will probably make it worse. I don’t want to give him till April 1st with the car. He is being disrespectful running around in my car visiting and courting several other women already. He lied to me about all of this for months and I no longer want to be used by him. How can I avoid talking tomorrow and put my foot down? I am thinking to text him and ask him to deposit the money at the bank, say that unfortunately I still need the car Monday and let him know that as he requested, space and time is probably the best thing right now so talking is not the best idea. Is that mean? Can you tell me what your advice would be here? Thank you!

          • Kevin March 1, 2014, 1:07 pm


            No it will not be mean. I think you should absolutely tell him to stop contact. And I have a feeling that things are going to get tough for you in the upcoming days. It’s quite possible that he will refuse to give you your car or your money back. I suggest you contact a lawyer and be prepared in case things go out of hand. Don’t be afraid to call the cops on him if he again comes to your house uninvited and tries something funny. Do not think about being kind to him. He has disrespected you enough and will continue to do so if you let him. Be prepared to take legal action.

  • Reth February 24, 2014, 8:26 pm

    Hello, Kevin.
    I’m a little bit confused with my situation so I hope you might help me with this no contact rule if I elaborated a bit more.
    I’ve known my ex for two years and we’re really close friends. He had a crush on me since summer, so did I and we got together back in January. We live 1,5 hours away from each other but it has never been an issue both to me and him, since we visit each other often. Of course, it’s only been a month since we’re a couple, but we didn’t have any issues – we didn’t rush anywhere, just had fun together not only as pals but also as a newly baked couple. His friends told me he was never so happy like he was with me. However, he broke up with me a week ago. I asked him if he’d like to chat via skype on webcams and he just wrote that our relationship will not work out because He doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. However, he seemed happy with the whole relationship just a few days before. He told me he’s really sorry and that I shouldn’t blame myself, because he had a great time and I was a really good girlfriend, he just lost interest. I’m sure there’s something he’s hiding, maybe something bad happened to him and he doesn’t want me to know, but I’m really worried about him. After he broke out with me he didn’t respond to any of his friends calls for a while, told them he didn’t want to talk. I tried not to communicate with him, because I felt devastated, however he texted me a few days after. What’s even more strange – he often mentioned us doing something together, for example, he said that we should play League of Legends together sometime or that we would make a great cello duet and similar stuff, he also added a lot of “(;” smileys.He’s also visiting a friend in my town and he kept asking if I’d want to join him. Is it really bad that I’m breaking the No Contact rule? It’s just, I know that I will hurt him a lot if I ignore him, because our personalities are alike. Or should I still try? Maybe there are some other possibilities?

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 2:50 pm

      If you feel you’ll hurt him with the No Contact rule, let him know in advance that you need some space and time and you don’t mean to hurt him. He’ll understand.

  • Karolina February 24, 2014, 10:33 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I subscribed to your mailing list. Thanks for this website.

    My situation is a bit different than the others. We have been together for 10 years. We have 2 kids. Our friends always says that we are made for each other, that we are perfect couple, and so in love. We were always thinking that we are soul mates.
    When I get pregnant with our daughter (planned) we were very happy. After few months he started to spend a lot of time out. I was all alone with our son and my pregnancy. He started to disappear for nights with his mates. I was feeling horrible. He was partying heavily. By the end of pregnancy we were in constant fight over his partying, not helping me at all, money etc.
    Then I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. We were happy. But after few weeks he said that he need space. We didn’t break up but I let him to go and live with his mate for a month to have time for himself. I was copying with new baby on my own. It was July, our other child went to his grandparents for holidays.
    So, he was coming to visit us few times a week. I was upset that I’m on my own with everything but I was thinking that I’m doing right giving him some space, time to party and let him come back with clear mind after month…then he asked for 2 weeks more. I agreed. He came back on 1st of October. But it wasn’t good. He was always angry, he was disappearing for weekends with no contact at all during this time. I was crushed. We have been fighting over this all the time. One time after he was out for 4 days I said that he has to take his stuff and move out. He did. But we could’t not to talk to each other. He came once and ask if I will get him back…I said I will, as I love him, we have to kids and long term relationship. But he said that he will be back after he will sort all the things out….yeah, weird, but ok. Then he came and he said he needs two weeks more. I said “no” this time. Well, when you want to work things out, come back now, not in “two more” weeks. I thought that is it. But then I heard from our friends that he is in horrible shape and wants to come back home. So, we spoke, I agreed. He came back this February. After a week he was at home he went party again for whole weekend. He came back on Monday. As always apologised and asked me out for a date. I left kids in safe hands and we went out for dinner. It was very nice, like in old days.
    All of my friends for last few months were saying to me that maybe he is acting this way because he has someone else. I didn’t want to believe, as we said to each other that the worst thing you can do to another person is to cheat on them. So I was always saying that he would never do it to me.
    But this night i started to think about all of this what is happening. I went to his phone and checked his messages. I found message to his friend that he is going out on Monday morning from this girl’s house. I was shocked. I woke him up and asked about it. He said it is mistake his phone done…I didn’t believe. I downloaded tracking application to his phone. Didn’t have to wait long. One day. I saw messages to some girl, even declarations of love. I found out that they call each other many times a day. He was always telling me he will never, ever cheat on me. My heart was broken. It was last Thursday. I confronted him. He was lying that it is network mistake, that this number is his (male) friend number. I asked him to call…they were lying to me together that they don’t know each other. I knew they lie. But he said it is not true. He even cried…Then he went out and left me heartbroken. On Friday he came home (by this time I have found her and I knew her name and how she looks-thank to facebook;) ) he was still saying it is not true. But when I said all I know he admitted, but he said this is not what I think..and again runaway. He came back on Sunday and we talked. He told me he know her from about March last year, they have been friends, she knew about me being pregnant, that we have another kid etc. She knew all. They were more platonic relationship, she was nice to him, didn’t want anything from him and they were spending nice time together. Apparently kissing only… I asked if he loves her, he said that his not but she said to him that she has fallen in love with him. On Friday he has finished everything with her…well, he say so. He also told me that he feels really horrible for what he has done to me. That he will regret this to end of his life. He doesn’t want to be with her. He loves us (family)… and he will take time to think about what he has done. I told him that I can’t take him back right now. It is too much for me. I could try to forgive him but after this my trust will not be easily build. Everyone say that I should let him go, but there is a lot of history between us. I don’t know what to do. I would like to be with him but if it’s going to be the same? He will party and I will seat at home with kids? I have no time for me at all, he had last year for himself I didn’t. I decided to do your NC and see if he is going to try to repair our relationship. Any other suggestions? I really need “fresh eye” on my situation.
    Sorry for misspellings and other mistakes, English is not my first language.

    Thank you for time to read this.


    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 8:37 am

      Hey K,

      I am sorry you are going through this testing times. In my opinion, what he is telling you is trickle truth. He is not telling you a little bit of truth and is leaving out the rest. It’s entirely possible that he is lying about “Just kissing” the other girl.

      It’s good that you decided to do NC. And if he comes back, it should not be the same as before. You must ask him for full commitment to making the relationship work and help build the trust again. It’s going to take a lot of effort from both of you to make it work again. And if he is not willing to put in the effort, then you should leave him and concentrate on moving on. Couples counseling can help a lot as well. I know a lot of relationship come back stronger after an act of infidelity, but it only happens if both the parties are willing to put in the effort and commitment required to make it work.

      • Karolina February 25, 2014, 8:24 pm

        Hi Kevin,

        Thank you for quick reply, much appreciated.

        I need to know one more thing. Today is my third day of NC. Today he has texted me in the morning that he loves us very much. I didn’t replied. Then after few hours he texted me again if he can come at least to see kids. I didn’t replied. Then he came home, asked if he can come in. I was a little bit in shock and didn’t know what to do, so I agreed. I left him with kids in living room and went to bedroom, put some music on and tried to spend this time somehow.
        He asked if I need help with safety gates I bought recently, so I said if he wants to do it, then be my guest. He has done it, played with kids, I was in bedroom all the time. Then he came and asked me if he can come tomorrow. Again, didn’t know what to say and I said ok (maybe I will go out, is my chance to do something with my self 🙂 ).
        What should I do? I’m thinking that NC will not work if he will be coming so often. Should I tell him to give me more time? On the other side I don’t want to steal his time with kids but again on the other side, he wasn’t very good dad in last year, he didn’t cared this much…Now he cares? I can’t understand it. What should I do???

        Again, thank you for your time, you have full hands of work here 🙂

        Best regards,


        • Kevin February 25, 2014, 9:06 pm

          Hey Karolina,

          You did the right thing. Perhaps, you can sort out a schedule with him for seeing the kids. He can come over every other day to see the kids if he wishes and you can go out during that time. NC will still work as long as you are not spending the time with him and you are making some positive changes in your life (even though in your case he is the one who should be making changes).

  • Emily February 25, 2014, 5:43 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Thank you so much for your article. My ex of 8 months and I just broke up. I am devastated. We both kind of knew the break up was coming but his reason was that he couldn’t give me the “appreciation I deserved.” He tells me that I’m way too good for him and he regrets not putting more effort into our relationship. He says wants to get his life more settled (new job, new place) before he can focus on us.

    He asked me if I would consider taking him back in a while if I was still single and he mentioned that if circumstances were a bit different he wouldn’t ever let me go. In his final text to me he said that he didn’t want me to leave because he loves me but he knows this is better for both of us.

    What do you think, Kevin? The NC rule is extremely hard right now and it hurts me that he feels so insecure. He would not listen when I tried to reassure him during our relationship but now I worry that the NC rule will just further his insecurity. Thanks again for your article.

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 7:01 am

      If he contacts you during NC, let him know that you need some space and time and it doesn’t mean that you are cutting him entirely from your life. Tell him that you still care about him and you’ll contact him after some time.

  • Sarahbeth February 25, 2014, 6:45 am

    Hey! My boyfriend broke up with me about 5 weeks ago, but of course I begged, cried and was annoying, etc. A couple weeks into the break up I called him and we talked for over an hour, he told me that he thinks about me and “stalks” my facebook and it upsets him when he sees anything related to me moving on. The next night he snapchatted me a couple times and then came to see me at my work and gave me a huge hug. We talked casually and out of nowhere he grabbed my face and kissed me. We hugged and kissed a couple more times in this 5 minute convo and made plans to hang out a few days later. He text me later and said it felt good to see me, hug me, and that he doesn’t regret it & likes “our kisses.” The day came and he cancelled saying he has too many feelings for me and wants to get over me, therefore, we cannot talk anymore. He said I have a lot of issues to work on (and I do!) before we can ever think of trying again, but he said he won’t forget about me and to not worry about that. We went 10 days NC and I slipped up and sent him a casual text of which he did not reply. Then, a mutual friend asked him about us and he told her that he absolutely cannot be friends with me right now. I am taking all of the steps to better myself, I am going to counseling, I have quit drinking, I am exercising, etc. But I am worried that it is completely ruined with him. My heart just does not want to give up on him, what do I do!?!?!? Please help 🙁

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 6:59 am


      I don’t think it is completely ruined with him. Continue working on your issues and no contact. All the best.

      • Sarahbeth February 25, 2014, 7:57 am

        Thank you for your response! No one seems to think I should have any hope for us. But I do. I believe in love and us. Do you think the fact that he is so adament about not being able to be friends with me right now is still a sign that he still has feelings for me and is scared of what will happen if we are? I tend to take this actually as a positive sign. But maybe I have false hope…please let me know what you think…

        • Kevin February 25, 2014, 8:52 pm

          Yes, it’s a positive sign.

          • sarahbeth February 25, 2014, 9:04 pm

            Oh no! He got frustrated, and I dont blame him! And said “I seem desperate & sad and there’s no way we can be friends right now and we are NOT getting back together, I just don’t see that happening.” I’m so hurt & embarrassed! Please just give me another piece of advice! Thank you so much!

          • Kevin February 26, 2014, 8:05 pm

            Did you contact him or he contacted you out of the blue? Or was it because you asked your mutual friend to ask him. I think you still have a chance. But you really need to apply no contact and make some really big changes in your life. You need to learn to be happy without him and only then you’ll have a chance of getting back together.

  • Jane February 25, 2014, 12:07 pm

    Hey Kevin, me and my ex of a year just recently broke up. I have been really mean to him lately and he finally got fed up with it. He immediately had a another girl stay at his house and have been hanging out with her. I’ve try texting and calling a couple times (nothing excessive) but he won’t write back. The huge problem is that we work together. So no contact rule is confusing. I try completely ignoring him one day and he kept trying to have small talk with me. Then I gave in and was nice to him. What should I do while at work? Be nice and talk to him or completely give him the cold shoulder? I’m so hurt that he already has another girl. He told me that he doesn’t wanna date her but I don’t believe it. Help!

    • Kevin February 25, 2014, 8:59 pm

      Apply no contact. Don’t answer him this time. And if he continues contacting you, tell him you need some space.

  • Sasha February 26, 2014, 1:38 am

    You make a lot of sense, how I hope that I could know it earlier. Now I have a problem with no contact: My ex and I ,we are in the same school, it’s a really small place ,i’d come across him everyday,how can I do no contact when I can’t avoiding seeing him? If I see him, I should even don’t take a glance at him or say hello?

    • Kevin February 26, 2014, 7:28 pm

      Don’t say hello unless he says it first. If you are in a situation where you have to talk to him, talk to him like an acquaintance and don’t talk about anything personal.

  • Lily February 26, 2014, 9:25 pm

    Kevin, after 30days of NC, will my ex want to talk to me? I mean, how if he is angry because i didnt reply his msg at all?

    • Kevin March 1, 2014, 3:22 pm

      Anger usually subsides during the no contact period. I am pretty sure he’ll want to talk to you after 30 days.

  • SCOTT February 27, 2014, 8:58 pm

    We have been dating for 2 years and it seems when we go out together I get in such a funk and start to get abrasive with my words, this has happened several times and she has taken me back it just happened last weekend and she blocked my phone and fb and said this is the last time!!!!! I have not spoken to her since but see her a the the gym every morning. I am now going for counseling, will no contact work in this case if I do not do anything..We really do have something very special otherwise, Scared to death to lose her!!!

    • Kevin March 1, 2014, 2:16 pm

      Yes it will work. I will also recommend that you send her a letter of apology as mentioned in this article. Mention in the letter that you are going for counseling (if she doesn’t know already).

  • SCOTT February 27, 2014, 9:53 pm

    And how can this work if she is doing the same to me???

  • Chris February 28, 2014, 9:34 pm

    Kevin, my case is a little complicated, I’m not a 100% sure on how to proceed. We broke up over two months ago after being together for two years and two months, she told me she needed some time.
    Right after the break-up we kept contact with each other and even had sex a couple of times. I kept pressuring her during the time she needed alone and which kept hurting both of us, 2 weeks ago she asked for some time again, this time without any kind of contact. We did that for two weeks and then she asked me to do it for another week, I agreed. Three days after that she called me and told me “we need to talk in person.” I went over where she was at and she basically told me she feels like trying to be in a relationship again under some conditions which I agreed to and respect, she didn’t seem as happy as I was. Two days later I reading one of her medicine notebooks and I found a note comparing me with another guy(a guy who I felt jealous of because she spent so much time with him at college), the things she liked and disliked of me and him, evidence that at some point during the break-up time she liked him. I asked about it and she admitted when we broke up she had a crush on that guy. We lasted two more days together and she realized she still likes him, she told me she couldn’t do this right now, after crying for 20 minutes in front of each other we agreed we remain friends, she told me she is gonna make it work between us. She felt very good after telling me she felt resentment towards me for the things I did wrong during the relationship, she felt like she took a weight of her shoulders. The day after I told her I didn’t want to be friend-zoned and that she had to choose between walking the path of trying to be with me or being with that other guy. She obviously left the scene very upset and I called her to hear what she decided, while was crying over the phone she told me she couldn’t do this anymore I felt more pain that I have ever felt in my life at that moment and I said some stupid stuff I can’t take back like “if that’s your decision then I don’t want to live in this world any longer…” that same afternoon I went to her house and I basically begged for her to keep trying, I said I didn’t mean anything and totally broke at least 2 rules you listed in your article. To everything I said she replied: “I can’t do this anymore.” You probably know what I felt after that. I left her house and as soon as I got in the car I started crying like a baby. Today is Friday, that happened Monday.

    Wednesday we had a very nice talk at a restaurant she told me she was at, close by where I work at. We apologized to each other, expressed our feelings and thoughts but didn’t take it very deep if you know what I mean. She told me she doesn’t want to stop talking to me but we need to keep it casual.

    After reading a lot online I found this is the best website and the most complete one about this particular topic, so I thank you very much, Kevin. This website has made me realize a lot of things that I was doing wrong even during the relationship.

    As of now I would like you to tell me if putting the ‘no contact’ rule in action is going to help my case. We use Whatsapp and she has texts me now and then, earlier today she called me once and asked me why didn’t I answer her, I was nice to her. Should I delete Whatapp or just ignore her? What are my chances of getting her back? Anything I should consider doing? I would love to hear what you have to say. Thank you in advance!

    • Kevin March 1, 2014, 12:43 pm

      Hey Chris,

      I think it’ll be a better idea to just tell her that you need some space and time and you’ll contact her when you think you are in a better position. It will keep her from contacting you and you can concentrate on yourself during the no contact period. There’s a chance that she might start a relationship with that new guy during that time, but then again, she might do that anyways. So, IMO that’s a risk worth taking.

      • Chris March 2, 2014, 12:11 am

        I told her and she said: “That’s understandable, I will give you your space. Thank you for telling me.” I’m not so worried about her ending up in a relationship with the other guy cause from what I have heard hes not the type of guy who wants a serious relationship with anyone, he is a younger guy, very outgoing, not a competitor in looks, and they see each other at college everyday. And from what she told me she just likes him shes not in love neither loves him and the guy doesn’t know any of this(from what I know). But like you said, there is a chance. So I’m just left with hoping she doesn’t do anything that will kill my chances by the time I figure myself out.

        Thank you for replying, I appreciate your attention.

        • Chris March 3, 2014, 4:54 pm

          Hey Kevin,

          We had a conflict two nights ago when we bumped into each other at a night club and she felt really uncomfortable because she was with the other guy and a group from school. She said she saw me and she got pissed then she called me and i didn’t pick up, sent me a message saying “so you’re at this place *thumbs up*” and she left but then apparently came back because I told her I wasn’t there(which I wasn’t). A few minutes later I went back to the club and she was there, I poked her and she was really surprised to see me. We argued because I wanted to talk to her and she didn’t. She left with two of her friends, one being the guy she likes. I let her go but then she called me and we argued for another good 10 minutes. I know I made a mistake picking up the first time, I wouldn’t know how to handle a situation like that. I honestly felt like I wanted to bash the guy’s skull with a bottle of beer but its not worth it, and I don’t even have a reason to, its not his fault. Then we had long text conversation… this is what I found interesting, in between all the being upset and talking about all the struggle she said: “you look good by the way..I never got to tell you between all the fighting and all, honestly I think I like you more with a beard than without it. You look somehow more mature. You’re acting in some ways more maturely.” – The morning after she said: “I honestly can’t get over how good you looked last night. There was something different about yo, I don’t know what it was. You’re acting like the Chris I used to know, not the one that has been around for months now.”–I asked her if she likes that and she said: “Honestly? I find it really attractive.”

          I don’t know if I did wrong in asking her or even talking to her and explain how I’ve been feeling and changing, because she did the same, she opened herself and told me she was praying and all this things that made me feel like I should do the same for her. I know I broke the NC rule, and that I have to start over, but honestly I feel like I made a lot of progress for only being 3 days. I don’t know how to use what she told me to my advantage, because now I know she felt attracted to me but I don’t know if she’ll feel it again, if its going to make her like me again, if its going to make her stop liking the other guy… all I know is that I’m back on NC and that I need some advice.

          Please enlighten me Kevin. I appreciate your time and dedication to help others.

  • Lynne March 1, 2014, 7:46 am


    My boyfriend of 9 months recently broke up with me. He did the motion of what I could not do, which was break up with him when the ball was on my court. Recently, I did a job interview that was located on his side of town. After the interview was over, I knew he usually ends work at 5pm, which was the time I finished. I asked what he was up to after work to see if I could see him, but could not because he had a busy schedule afterwards. I got bummed, but got over it immediately because I came home with gifts that we ordered online. The next day I had to go to that side of town again for another interview, I finished around lunch time. I did a test for myself and asked if he wanted to do lunch together, he said yes. I drove over to his work and we had lunch together. Then later that day, I had to ask if he can bring his camera over for my parents’ party the day after.

    My consistent asking all clicked. I realized the relationship moved and lived as long as it did because I constantly initiated the topics and questions. He never could because of his busy work schedule and his budding business. Therefore, he decided to end it because he believed that he didn’t deserve my love, care, and affection. And he was not willing to make the change immediately to become a better caring boyfriend since he is currently so career driven.

    I do not resent his actions because our break up was really clean and incredibly considerate. It still hurts because of the fact that I invested so much into this. Also, he left room for the possibility when he said “This will not be the last time we see each other.” This line kills me. It gives me wishful thinking believing he’ll resume this relationship somewhere down the road, but he does not know when.

    Usually after a break up, I find it easier to hate all my exes because each situation had its reasons to source the hate fuel. With this one, I can’t hate anything about it because there were no hard feelings against us and he means well for my well being and success, which all makes it hard for me to move on.

    With both him saying that this will not be the last time for us to see each other and a clean break up, what do I do to move on? The no-contact rule applies correct? And what else can I do?

    • Kevin March 1, 2014, 12:04 pm

      Yes, no contact rule applies. The best thing you can do is make some positive changes in your life. And you don’t have to have a reason to hate him to move on. Just accept that you both were not suitable for each other at this point in life.

  • Diana. March 1, 2014, 5:56 pm

    Hey Kevin. Well I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and he recently started dating a new girl. I was with him for 3 years, how did he forget about me so quickly. He started dating someone too soon. He seems to be all moved on and i am still here waiting for him, not even 1% moved on. I am trying the no contact rule today. He has been messaging me lately saying hey and stuff so next time he does, i wont answer. I still have hope that his relationship is just a rebound and he realizes he misses me after this no contact time. I am scared though, because what if while the no contact, he forgets about me and moves on completely, 100% , or thinks that i dont want him anymore when i still do. What should i do? Help!

    • Kevin March 3, 2014, 5:41 pm

      The relationship is probably a rebound. If you are concerned about what he will think of your no contact, then just tell him beforehand that you need some time and space and you don’t want to be in contact with him for a while.

  • Zoey March 1, 2014, 9:47 pm

    I met my boyfriend online about a month ago and we have not met yet. However we have talked almost everyday for hours and we have some much in common. His opened up to me about things that people would not open up with for a while. He has been divorced for a year now and he has a child with his ex. Recently we had a fight because he thought I had a jealous tent rime. He originally wanted to go brush his teeth and told me he would call me back in 15 minutes but instead an 2 hours went by and I decided to text him. I admit my text message was terrible and I accused him of cheating. He reacted by telling me he was not the man for me and that he wished me the best. I started to realize that I may have been wrong and felt really bad about it. I tried calling him but he would not answer his phone. I also tried texting him and he just really responded negatively. I miss our everyday talks and I am feeling like I will never hear from him again. I don’t understand how he can tell me that he is falling in love with me and can’t wait to meet me one minute and then within 5 minutes end everything over and flush all the good we have built down the drain. What ever happened to forgiveness. I feel betrayed because his made mistakes too that I have looked over and forgiven him for. I feel like he never really meant all those things he told me over the phone about caring for me. Not sure if he will ever text or call but should I apply the no contact rule? Advise please.


    • Kevin March 3, 2014, 5:31 pm

      Hey Zoey,

      Most men tend to back away from emotionally investing in a relationship if they see an early sign of neediness (or too much drama). I suppose he already went through a lot because of the divorce and right now he is a little apprehensive about getting into a serious relationship. I think you should apply no contact for a while and then send him an apology letter as mentioned in this article. If he still doesn’t reply, then I’ll recommend you move on.

  • Alex Bui March 2, 2014, 4:10 am

    Hi Kevin, first of all, English is my second language so hopefully you understand what I try to express. I’d like to thank you for all your recommends cause they’re greatly back me up a lot through my miserable time.
    My girlfriend of 4 years recently broke up with me said a week until now, I and her used to live together for 3 years when we were studying oversea and when we came back to our country, we usually hang out with each other at weekends so I can tell we had great time together until the broke up happened. We even considered married this year :(. The main reason of our broke up is she said I controlled her too much, I did not give her any time and space of her own, worst thing is she thinks that I may kill her if unfortunately she does some mistakes with our relationship…of course I definitely never ever can do that. Now she said she’s so scare of me and she’s seriously 100% want to end our relationship. Don’t wanna receive any mails, text, calls etc.
    I will try to use the no contact rules of yours starts next week but I definitely hope to win her back as i believe she’s my soul mate, real one..
    Do you think there’s still hope for us? Please give me some advises as I am sincerely appreciated.

    • Kevin March 3, 2014, 5:21 pm

      Yes, there’s hope. Just give her time and if you believe she is right about you being controlling, then work on your issues during the no contact period. All the best.

  • Sage March 2, 2014, 5:04 am

    The No Contact Rule I just initiated yesterday afternoon after his last text of “You will hear from me soon …” We’ve known each other for months, but only a few weeks ago did we go on a date. We’ve been on two since then. He asked me to give him time to sort out his work and his father is ill. I said ok. I also told him that the one thing that sets me off is if he ignored me for no reason, which ended up happening. I did not handle it well, neither did he. Words were said and now he has told me he is not ready for a relationship at the moment and that he has a lot of things to sort out and has a lot on his plate and that’s all he can offer right now … I told I understood which I always did … Anyway, he did tell me the last date we had he sees a future with me. I absolutely see one with him. The thing he got upset with was that i didn’t leave him alone when he asked me to. Now I am. And I have.

    Because we have only been on 2 dates, I am wondering if this will even work? He hasn’t said he wants to be friends only and he did say he will speak soon. I trust that we will. I trust his word because everything up to this little spat has happened how he said. We haven’t been intimate together other then kissing and hand holding. I won’t jump in quickly.

    Regardless of whether we decide to be together or not I am committed to the NC Rule, if nothing else I will be cleared in mind and body. And right now, this is about me, not anyone else. I know I made a mistake and I apologised for my reactions. People makes mistakes and no one is perfect. I see real potential with us because when we are together we have LOTS of fun and have loads in common. I am just wondering if I am wasting my time????

    Thanks in advance for your response …

    • Kevin March 3, 2014, 5:20 pm

      Hey Sage,

      You say you see a future with him. If he is not willing to let go of a small mistake, then you are better off without him. I guess if he also sees a future with you, he will not let this stand in the way. NC will be beneficial for you right now. Usually, if the relationship is short, I recommend a NC period of two weeks. So in case you want to contact him, you can do so after two weeks.

  • Nzanbeni March 2, 2014, 5:40 pm

    Im from india.
    my boyfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me three months ago. we had a long distance relationship but always made it a point to meet each other every 3 months. but i came home for good after i finished college
    like every relationship we did have are ups and downs but we were both very much in-love and was my best friend
    i was shattered when we broke up but it wasnt like i didnt see the signs

    few months ago he said that we weren’t allowed to have anything physical as he promised god to keep the relationship holly ( i found it very weird ) but some how i respected it and obeyed it

    then he said he wanted to quit weed which i was thrilled and stood besides him and supported him.
    then he said he wanted to focus on his career and i was completely behind him 110% even flew down to be with him..
    later onwards i felt like he started to appreciate me less and take me for granted. i was so lost that i went on to do my masters. his 30 with no job and lives with his parents.. i literally DID everything and in the end he told me that im not what his looking for and said he need to focus on his career which i totally support. how can i be selfish with that when for 2 years iv been trying to make him understand that so i let him go i was happy and sad.. but iv notice his doing the same thing smoking up and chilling at home,.. yes a couple of times i did ask him to come back but he refused . so couple of weeks back i told him that im letting him go and relaized that he’ll never love me the way i did. and said GOOD bye. he called me today. i didnt pick up. i really want him back and do believe in him. but how do i make him come back and also appreciate me
    when iv finally learned to let go. he calls me. i dont wanna call him back to pin up his ego. i hate this mind games. lol so silly

    pls help me what to do.

    last summer

    • Kevin March 3, 2014, 5:10 pm


      Follow the 5 step plan. Continue no contact for a while. I have a feeling he will continue calling you even after the no contact period.

  • giulio March 3, 2014, 1:31 pm

    My ex gf is hanging out with another man and she will soon do a holiday with him. She says she is not in love with him but in the same time she doesn’t love me as before (we had 6 years relationship). now after having been extremely miserable I decided to start the NC rule.
    How should I explain that i don’t want to talk with her anymore? Is it better saying “Im not in love neither”, “I want my space” or “I want to forget you”? what do you suggest?

    Thank you very much

    • Kevin March 3, 2014, 3:34 pm

      “I want my space”.

      • giulio March 3, 2014, 4:59 pm

        this is the third time we break up, due to the long distance relationship and the fact we met at a very young age. the first time the NC last 1 month, the second 3 months. both times were my deciosion.
        i want really to get back with her, should i still wait 30 days or more in this situation?

  • giulio March 7, 2014, 9:45 am

    Hi kevin,

    im on the fourth day of the NC rule. she has a new relationship (i dont know if its a rebound one) and she will go with him in a 7 days holydays in 3 weeks. im worried that their relationship will be too close after this holyday. should i contact her before it or i should still wait the 30 days. im very worried


    • Kevin March 7, 2014, 6:12 pm

      You can contact her before this. However, I doubt there’s anything you can do to stop her from going. And if you do try to stop her, it’ll make you look needy. But it’s your call.

  • Q - March 8, 2014, 7:27 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I started NC as soon as the relationship ended (5 days ago) – he stopped by to drop off some things the next day, but it was a two-second exchange. I’m definitely going to go through the entire month, but I wanted to know what you think about the situation itself. We broke up for the first time just before the New Year – I did all the things I shouldn’t have (called, begged, etc). But I also improved, so we got back together 2 weeks later. We were happy for two months, but then something happened. He withdrew a bit, we began to argue, I became jealous, he left me. I resolved it, we got back together for one week, and then he left me again. I know he’s having his own problems – depression, apathy, etc. He told me I’m perfect, but he doesn’t feel anything, and that’s not fair to me. I agreed, told him that this is the last time, and calmly saw him out. But, well, I still want him back. How would you suggest to approach him after the 30 days?


    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 6:09 pm

      Hey Q,

      If he is experiencing depression, then there is really nothing you can do to get him back. If he is ever able to overcome his depression, he will contact you. But I will recommend you don’t keep your hopes up. He was honest about his feelings, and you should be thankful to him for that. You can try after 30 days, but if his depression is serious, your efforts will be in vain. I am sorry for breaking it to you.

  • yas March 8, 2014, 11:59 am

    Hi my bf broke up with me last week saying that he still loves me but needs to be on his own . This came so out of the blue. He also said he doesn’t out rule us getting back together in the future. Want him back so much.

  • Jasmine March 8, 2014, 3:30 pm

    Hi Kevin. I believe my situation is extremely complicated .
    He broke up with me over a month ago however we still live together until he gets his new place in April. I did everything I was NOT supposed to do; act needy, cry, beg . I made scenes – I acted extremely dramatic . I’m scared I ruined the chances for good . He told me he couldn’t deal with the drama and that he knows he will be much happier by himself . A few weeks after we broke up we did have a good friendship going on , we even agreed to be civil about the breakup and still talk after he moved out. Well I let the insecurities get the best of me a few days ago, made a scene and was to pushy and now I’m back go square one – except it’s worse then it was when he first broke up with me . Now I literally sense that he does not care whatsoever about me . He said that he wants nothing to do with me , because I’ll never Change and that he has lost hope . I asked him if there’s a chance we can ever talk again the future and he said no .. I want to know if this is just his anger and feelings rigt now or if he literally wants me out of his life completely . I haven’t yet did the NC rule for 30 days .. But I did successfully do It for a couple days a few times and there were times when we were so nice to each other it’s hard to believe even broke up! But now I feel I really ruined it for good after what he said . What do I do 🙁

    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 5:54 pm

      Apply no contact. That’s your only hope.

  • Martin March 8, 2014, 11:17 pm

    Great stuff, Kevin. My situation is that she and I have been best friends for years and do everything together. She’s wanted to move toward marriage for a long time, while I have trouble even saying we’re dating—this despite the fact that I can’t imagine not being with her. Stupid, right? She’s ended our relationship a couple times but we come back to the same relationship again, partly because I tell her I’ll change. I always fully intend to but never move us closer to marriage. Maybe laziness, I’m not sure. Anyway, she’s fed up again (rightfully so) so we’re done again and haven’t spoken in about four days. I want to call her and actually get things done that I’ve promised (calling her my girlfriend, going to family functions with her, working toward marriage) but I’m sure I’d sound desperate, not to mention full of crap. Even though she ended things, is this still a good idea to not contact her? p.s. Yes, I understand that I sound like an no good idiot, but hey, it’s the situation I’m in. Thanks!

    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 5:14 pm

      Hey Martin,

      Perhaps deep inside you really are not ready for marriage. Perhaps, your hearts wants you to find someone else. I don’t know what your situation is but if I were her, I would think like this. The reason no contact is important right now is because it will give you time to really figure out what you want. And it will show her that you took some time to think about what you want in life instead of just saying what she wants to hear just to get her back. In fact, go for therapy and try to find out the underlying reason for you not wanting to commit till now. It will show her some real sign of change. If you want, you can tell her before no contact that you are going to do some soul searching and you will be contacting her after some time.

    • Lori April 1, 2014, 11:23 am

      Martin, Your situation sounds exactly like mine, however I’m the woman in the relationship. We are best friends–inseparable at times. We own a business together. We have more fun together than two people should be allowed, have incredible intimacy, and really like each other’s brains. BUT, every 3-4 months (like clockwork) he’ll start to get really close, share “I love you”, then will pull away. This time he went off the grid for two weeks. After a ridiculous fight about his ex, I finally had enough and I broke up with him two days ago.

      I love him with my whole heart. He is a pain in my butt at times, stubborn, emotionally fragile and short-tempered, but I’m not perfect either. I can see a future with him. I want to spend my life with him. But, I had to break up with him. He’s not willing to commit to working through the adult feelings in the relationship and I’m not convinced he ever will be. Like you, he won’t call me his girlfriend in public, there is no family interaction, and there is no talk of the future. After three years, why should I keep waiting? Maybe your girlfriend feels the same way.

      I thought about it last night and I would take him back–after a break. He would need to show me some growth. He would blow me away if he did something BOLD to really show his commitment. Inviting me to dinner with his parents would change my entire outlook and do a lot to diminish the doubt.

      Maybe your girlfriend does want to be with you, too. Maybe a little soul-searching will help you decide what’s holding you back. If she’s what you want, please, on behalf of all women out there–make it a wonderful homecoming for her. Make it count. 🙂

  • Bryan March 9, 2014, 9:20 am

    I recently broke up with my gf for 2 weeks. I had been with her for 4 months it’s not a long time period of time but I love her a lot. I met this girl online,we have been chatting for 2 days before our first meet up. During our meet up we had sex. Before we did it I felt bad as I had a gf and i did not want to be do it. However, I still did it.. After the whole incident I felt really guilty soo I went to tell my gf exactly what happened as, we promised each other that we would not keep any secrets from each other. I knew that we would break up after I told her but I could not keep it from her. I know that it was totally my fault and I do not blame her for breaking up. She was really commited to me and did not cheat on me she was literally the best gf. I told her that I would be commited to her if she were to give me another chance however she did not believe me. She is now with another boy which she describe as a better version of me. We still talk every day but not as often as how we use to talk during our rs I really want to get her back and I am not sure if I am able to. I am really afraid that if I use the NC method she might forget me what should I do???

    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 5:04 pm

      I don’t think she will forget you if you do no contact. You can tell her that you won’t be contacting her for some time since you need some time and space for yourself.

      • dee March 9, 2014, 5:54 pm

        My daughter’s mother left me three years ago. We got back together a year after that and she left me again. I love her but she won’t to be a family with me. Are daughter is three now, I know the no contact rule Will help me get over her for good but I’ll miss calling my daughter everyday when she is with her.

        • Kevin March 10, 2014, 5:38 pm

          I think it’s OK to call your daughter during no contact. Just don’t talk to your ex for too long.

  • Kiran March 9, 2014, 3:38 pm

    Hi, i wasnt able to follow NC accordingly in the current relationship conflict , although i have done it many times and seem to have moved on from the other relationships, NC helped me to understand that those relationships werent worth saving for. But the one im currently in has made it harder for me. My sweetheart also misses me and avoids to talk about me i came to know from sources and that too after week of our breakup he admits to his friend that he does love me. Though a day before that i just msged him a “how are you” on whatsapp he had blocked me there. and i took of his number so that i resist my urge to msg him again. But i came to know recently that after he had told his friend he unblocked me on whatsapp as well , but still i didnt msg him and deleted his contact again. I dont know , i have never been so bad at NC like i have been in this relationship, and i really want to save it cause , it is a beautiful one i ever had and it ended on a misunderstanding from his side, he was the one to end it and as far as i know him hes still confused. since i have failed to do NC thoroughly i will have start from scratch . i dont know why it is hard for me in this relationship? is it because my mind is so addicted to him, or i care a lil too much for him. Please wish that i will be able to come over this problem as much as i try to avoid his thoughts they keep coming. i know everything , yet i donot know why i dont seem to apply. im very good at NC but this time around i had no luck.

    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 5:00 pm

      Hey Kiran,

      Perhaps you sincerely believe that this relationship is special or perhaps you are addicted to him. You will realize with time. All the best.

  • Danielle March 9, 2014, 6:19 pm

    Hi there! I’ve tried the no contact thing.. sometimes he texts back and other times he doesn’t, depends what I say on the text.. weird! We broke up over a year ago and he broke up with me because he doesn’t see us together long term and our personalities clash. Is there a chance something could work out? PLEASE HELP!!!

    • Kevin March 9, 2014, 7:26 pm

      Read the 5 step plan. Do you also think your personalities clash? If so, you shouldn’t get back together. If not, I think if you make some major changes in your life, he might want to give it another try.

  • Lucy March 10, 2014, 1:09 pm

    Hi my boyfriend broke up with me on 15th Feb 2014 for no reason although he lives in another country/continent, i have just done the necessary by inactivating my FB account since i have been checking his wall everyday where he has posted pictures with his now one month old gf, i have also uninstalled whatsapp from my phone as of today just to avoid texting him since i hv been doing that. its gona be a long journey we have been together for 3 years and no single day did we fight. i am still in shock but very ready to take the NO Contact rule! God help me

    • Kevin March 10, 2014, 4:48 pm

      All the best.

  • Nicole March 10, 2014, 2:23 pm

    Hi Kevin, The man in my life has been exhibiting hot & cold behavior for some time now, ( 6 months) which has been emotionally exhausting. He seems to want me in his life, but on HIS schedule, when he feels like talking or seeing me. He says that he loves me and I think he does. I’m not so sure that I am the only woman in his life though. We had a very close relationship, two years ago, when we first became a couple. He distanced himself about a year later. We are both older, ( divorced 50 yr olds) so this juvenile behavior baffles me.

    I am on day 4 of no contact. Prior to this, ” I” told him that I am done chasing him, waiting for him, & putting up with the crumbs that he gives me when we both know that I am the type of woman who deserves the whole cake. He listened, but didn’t really respond, which is typical. Now, He has been texting me & calling me. He has been driving by my house. This is the first time that I have felt that I am in the driver’s seat. I have been the loyal, sappy, doormat for a very long time. Should I break no contact, just to tell him that I need space?

    Also, I may run into him at the gym. If he is there, I won’t go inside. But if he shows up, when I am there, what do I do? Leave? Ignore him? I am NOT leaving my gym because of him. I need to excercise & have built up friendships there. I go almost every day & have been there 3 years.

    Thank you!

    • Kevin March 10, 2014, 4:40 pm

      Hey Nicole,

      I think you should tell him you need space. And I don’t think you should avoid gym just because of him. Go inside even if he’s there. Give him a casual hello and then continue with your workout. If he wants to talk to you, let him know that you need some time and space and you’ll appreciate it if he gives it to you.

  • Felice March 10, 2014, 3:30 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I just broke up with my boyfriend last Thursday which is five days ago. after the break up, i practically felt so hurt and i didnt know what to do. during the first might of break up, i called him because i miss him so much and i want him back. the reason to our break up is because he felt sorry and he felt hurt every time he see me cry, and yeah during our relationship, i cried in front of him so many times, which i regret after all. because he actually broke up of relationship, he suggested us to become best friends until he felt like he’s mature enough to be in a relationship, till then we could continue again. but i didnt want, and he was okay with it. but then five days ago, he actually broke up this relationship saying he cannot continue anymore because no matter what he does, he will always make me cry. so he couldnt bear to see me like this anymore. but i want him back. we had so many good times together and i could not let go of the past. the next day after the break up, i ask if he wanted to get back together but he said he can’t. he wants to have fun and enjoy his highschool life with his friends first. i kept of begging him and i cried. i was a total messed up girl. i know i shouldnt have done that but i couldnt hold myself. and then i agreed to be his bestfriend. but everytime i see him at school, i feel like crying and keeps on reminiscing the old memories again. and its impossible to do NC since we are classmates. what should i do? i want to get him back but i dont know what to do.

    • Kevin March 10, 2014, 4:35 pm

      You can do no contact even if you are classmates. Just treat him like you would any other classmate. Don’t have any conversation with him for more than 5 minutes. And don’t talk about anything personal.

  • Nay March 10, 2014, 3:31 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    So we have broken up and made up so many times that it just seems like a routine now. This time I questioned his commitment towards the relationship and yes, you guess it we broke up again! Like you said its like an addiction. I really do love him but somewhere deep inside me I know that this can’t be healthy for any of us. As silly as it may seem still want him back though, what should I do? its been 4 days since the break up.

    • Kevin March 10, 2014, 4:33 pm

      Wait at least 30 days before making any move.

  • denise March 11, 2014, 12:26 am

    Hi. So I’ve been dating this man for 6 months. It was great and we both had mutual feelings for each other.. I’m 37 and have dated many men, he was completely different. It was easy. no stress.. no anxiety at all. We truly had a great relationship for the better part of five months.. seeing each other 3-4 times a week, talking every day etc, He has 2 children and his situation with his ex has changed, as far as custody goes. He now has basically full custody of both his kids.. The last month we were together he became very stressed and worried about this and how he was able to handle it, but hes a good father and will do anything for his kids.. It was his idea for full custody. Anyway, we started drifting because he became so overwhelmed with his new life circumstances. He had less time for me and although I let him know on a regular basis that I wanted to be there with him thru it, he slowly began pushing me away. On the night we officially broke up, I cried, got very emotional ( as I did in a few conversations before with him when we spoke about how our relationship was changing ) He told me it had nothing to do with his feelings for me and that he knows he wasn’t capable of giving me what I deserved right now, so he claimed to be protecting me.. as he didn’t want to continue to neglect my needs. I know now that I probably became an emotional burden on him and added stress to his already stressful situation… we haven’t had communication for 2 weeks and I feel like I’m dying inside. I haven’t texted him ( with the exception of right after our breakup I told him I was here for him if he needed anything and he told me the same) My question is what do I do now… if its his life situation right now that is keeping us from being together, do I still show support and try to reach out? We didn’t leave on bad terms in fact we both cried when we said goodbye… Any advice?

    • Kevin March 12, 2014, 12:05 pm

      Hey Denise,

      I think it’s quite possible to start dating him again and support him as well. I think you should follow the 5 step plan. You don’t need to send the hand written letter. But it will be a good idea to start texting him in another week or two. Have fun conversation with him. And then ask him out. You need to position yourself as a fun person in his life who doesn’t put any emotional burden on him.

  • Tara March 11, 2014, 12:32 am

    I just came across this article. My boyfriend of 13 years and two kids later recently broke up with me. I’m 28 and he’s 31. He recently started working a new job a few months ago, and is really enjoying the attention he’s been getting at work. One girl in particular showed very strong interest in him and was contacting multiple times a day, and this went on for a month or so. He broke up with me saying at first that he fell out of love with me. Then it went to I love you, but I’m not “in love” with you. And now he admits he still has feelings for me, but also for that girl. So he claims that he’s unsure about everything. Before all this happened, he was ring shopping. We were planning on getting married in about a year or two. And now he’s unsure about anything anymore. He needs time and space to think about things, and he says he doesn’t know what the future will bring. We share a house together with our kids. He’s planning on getting his own place and letting me and the kids stay home. So right now the no contact is very hard, what else should I be doing? He’s so unsure about stuff. He’s doing the break up for him and then for the kids, that its not about me or this new girl in his life. That its something that’s wrong with him. He says if we can get over this, we will be stronger in the end, individually at first but if it brings us closer together, than we can work on that. I’m trying to understand things, what should I do? Thanks for the help. 🙂

    • Kevin March 11, 2014, 8:31 pm

      I have a feeling that everything he is saying is to keep you waiting for him while he goes out and has his fling with the other girl. He doesn’t want to lose you, but he wants to see how things go with the other girl. I think you should let him go. If you can accept him even after all this, I think there’s a good chance he will eventually come back. Once he leaves, start no contact and start making some positive changes in your life. It’s definitely going to help your chances.

      • Tara March 11, 2014, 10:01 pm

        Hey Kevin,
        Thanks for the advice. The only thing is, I told him, if he pursues her that I’m done. That I won’t be a second choice. So he keeps telling me that if he really wanted to be in a relationship with her, he could be “right now” but he isn’t. He keeps telling me that he isn’t ready to start another relationship till he’s sure what he wants in life. So I’m trying to figure out what his plan is, after he moves to the new apartment and I do the 30 day no contact.

        • Kevin March 12, 2014, 4:55 pm

          Then let him figure out what he wants in life. Give him his space and you start preparing yourself mentally for the worst.

          • Tara March 25, 2014, 10:15 pm

            Just wanted to give an update. He moves into his apartment tomorrow, so I’ll be able to apply the NC rule. I just wanted to ask you, when he says hurtful things such as “I could be dating her right now, but I’m not” and “Sometimes I just want to date her just to piss you off!” ??? It hurts for me to hear these things. Why would he say that? And also lately the last week or so, he’s been angry, I confronted him about it, and he says he isn’t angry at me, he doesn’t know why he’s angry all the time now.

          • Kevin March 26, 2014, 2:53 am

            It’s just his way of dealing with his anger, in my opinion. Don’t take it personally. He is confused, and it’s as hard on him as it is on you. NC will help him gather his thoughts and subside his anger.

  • Hector March 11, 2014, 3:24 pm

    My girlfriend and I were in a relationship for 2.5 years. She was the most amazing person imaginable, I was so deeply in love with her that I treated her like a queen always. On Feb. 16 of this year, she broke up with me after a very cold week before. I tried to ask what the issue was beforehand but she couldn’t tell me for some reason. Then on that Sunday she broke it off citing distance between us, and that I would abandon her. She mentioned that we need to see other people, but did say, maybe if it was meant to be, we will see each other again. Since then though, I noticed she’s been with a new guy, I saw this about a week ago, and during classes, I’m always seeing them together and she has been extremely cold to me. I say hello with a big smile just to be nice but I see her eyes of hatred on me. I didn’t do anything extreme in our relationship (cheating), but I don’t see why she is cold to me. I still love this girl, I do and have been in NC for 2 weeks. How do I approach the NC and this new guy she’s with. At this point, I’ve realized my mistakes, put myself to fix those mistakes, and came to realize that I don’t need her, but I want her really badly! Thanks in advance Kevin!

    • Kevin March 11, 2014, 6:34 pm

      Hey Hector,

      I think the reason she told you for breaking up wasn’t really truthful. I think she just lost attraction to you and she started feeling attracted to the other guy. It happens in a relationship. I think you can still get her back. Just follow the advise in the 5 step plan.

  • ankur mukherjee March 11, 2014, 4:24 pm

    hi kevin,
    i loved a girl. we were in a relationship for 2years. and then one fine day, she suddenly came up saying that she dint feel anything for me. it looked like she loved me. we spent time together watching movies, late night chats, going out etc. but now it seems all this time she had feelings for a classmate of hers. seems she was under pressure from her family to be in a relationship with me coz i do have a bright future and we do have mutual relatives. It has already been 2months since i last texted her. today i sent her a message on facebook which she hasnt replied to yet. my mind says i dont want her but my heart still does.. wat to do?

    • Kevin March 11, 2014, 6:26 pm

      Hey Ankur,

      Listen to your mind. I think you should try to move on and find someone who will actually appreciate you and love you.

  • Victoria March 11, 2014, 11:22 pm

    hey Kevin,
    my Ex and I met our freshman year of high school, we became best friends instantly, and talked on and off until our junior year, we became even more close. We started dating May of our Junior year and everything was absolutely fantastic. A couple months down the line, I would get upset over silly little things and call him and make an attempt to repair things. The little arguments would build up over time, and eventually it was clear they were upsetting him. At the end of January of this year, he was done. He first tried to break up with me on my 18th birthday which was the 19th of January; then officially ended things on the 28th. He said he still wanted to be friends. Things were awful in school because I have 3 classes with him. When I regained my sanity in the middle of Febuary, I started to give myself space. (I was constantly “accidentally” bumping into him in the halls, texting him first and even chasing after him in the hallway). The end of Febuary he tells be he wants to be friends again, a couple days after that he curses me out for no good reason. I tell him I want space. It’s been 11 days. I don’t message him on any form of social media, but i do talk to him in school. is that a good idea? should i ignore him in person even though i have three classes with him? i’ve read almost all your articles but i’m still not sure what to do. He’s a great guy, even though he has been a jerk and flirts with other girls in front of my face (I’m convinced he does this just to bother me). But I would really appreciate some advice, because I’m pretty lost on what to do.
    P.S.- I don’t mean to sound like a whiny teenage girl here, but I never believed in love until I met my Ex which is why the breakup really tore me up. please help, thank you so much!

    • Kevin March 12, 2014, 4:53 pm

      He Victoria,

      Yes, you should apply no contact. Don’t ignore him completely when you see him in class. Just treat him like an acquaintance and try not to have any personal conversation with him.

  • Joyce March 12, 2014, 12:13 am

    Hi, I love this site and your advices, well I am confused with my situation right now, my long distance boyfriend told me that he doesnt love me anymore and when we talk no more feelings anymore and he started to talk to other girls on a dating site, I ask him if we are over, he told me that he is not committing to anyone right now and will come to see me in a few months when he got break from work if his feelings will change, I told him I will go my way and if he is sure About his feelinf I am willing to be with him if I am still available, he just said thank you, its been a week of no contact and he hasnt call or emailed me. Is there a chance that he still loves me and will be back to me or I move on and forget him.
    Thanks kevin

    • Kevin March 12, 2014, 4:44 pm

      I think you should do exactly what you told him. Yes, there’s a chance, but you should not keep waiting around for him.

  • Caitlin March 12, 2014, 11:34 am

    Hi there!
    My ex and I have broken up
    3 times now, all being the exact same excuses, that he needs to learn to be independent as he’s always been in relationships and needs to hold his own.
    The first time we broke up I tried no contact for myself, to get over him, I was back with him in 4 days.

    2nd time no contact really for about 3 weeks, and were back together in 6 weeks.

    Each break up is almost the exact same. Do you think a whole 4 -6 weeks will work of nc?
    We both love each other very much. He’s suss that there’s nothing wrong with ‘us’ but he needs to know he can be independent before being in a relationship.


    • Kevin March 12, 2014, 3:41 pm

      Hey Catlin,

      Don’t get back with him this time or it will happen again. Does he want to be independent or does he want to try a relationship with other girls. Personally, I think he is just using being independent as an excuse because he want to screw around. But I can be wrong since I don’t know the guy as well as you do.

      Yes, 4-6 NC might work. But you have to ask yourself, can you keep doing this for the rest of your life? If you want to get back together, you need to be absolutely sure he won’t leave again.

  • Darek March 12, 2014, 5:28 pm

    Hey guys, I really need some help here 🙁

    My ex broke up with me over the phone on Saturday evening. We have been bickering a LOT lately about really small (stupid) stuff and I always seem to be the one to calmly try and sit down to talk things through. Our relationship was good in the fact that we were both kind to one another and cared about each other deeply but the bickering was getting a little tedious.

    There’s a LOT more to the story but here is my main question.

    My ex was the one to initiate the break up. I was extremely emotional over the phone and he was just very straight faced and talked as if it really wasn’t bothering him much. (Added note: he was rarely emotional in front of me).

    Anyways, I did not make any contact with him on Sunday, Monday, and almost all of Tuesday. I left the gym around 9pm and when I got back to my car I noticed a text from him. “Coldplay is on iTunes Festival tonight at 10pm, you can watch it via iTunes”

    A lot of emotions went through my mind. I simply replied “Thank You_______”

    He then responded about 5-10 minutes later saying “Anytime. I’m sad that we cannot watch it on my AppleTV.” — I replied “Me too” and basically left it at that.

    Again, lot of emotions/feelings going through my mind right now. A lot of analyzing as well.

    So this morning (Wednesday 3/12/14) he texts me out of the blue saying “How was Coldplay?” ——– I responded “I didn’t get to watch it. I got home from the gym around 10:30pm and went to bed. I haven’t slept much lately.”

    He then replied “Oh. Maybe the have it to watch still.” —- and that was it……..

    Can someone PLEASE give me some insight here. It’s killing me inside that we haven’t seen or talked to one another (verbally) since Saturday’s breakup. I’ve tried to stay strong and enforce the NC rule, but doubt myself every hour. I was shocked that he texted me but I’m starting to lose my mind trying to figure out what everything means. Does he still care? Does he want to reconcile? Can he really just flip a switch and act like friends and expect me to just be okay with everything?

    Help!!!!!!! Anything will help guys 🙁


    • Kevin March 13, 2014, 1:24 pm

      Hey Darek,

      Message him that you need some time and space right now and then apply no contact for a month. His actions probably mean that he still has feelings for you but is not sure if he wants to get back together. He definitely wants to stay in touch with you. But you need NC regardless because if you continue staying in touch with him, you are only going to be more confused.

  • anonymous March 13, 2014, 10:28 am

    Hey kevin
    I met this guy in my college…he instantly fell in love with me and literally begged me to give him a yes.
    After almost half a year I fell for him too and got into a relationship.
    It was the THE PERFECT relationship wth no jealousy…hardly any fights…no misunderstandings.
    But then situations screwed up he didn’t perform very well in his academics and things got serious at his place so he broke up with me after a year telling that he only needs to focus on his career and nothing else.
    Although we’ve agreed on being friends and i can see that he cares a lot for me he doesn’t want to get back and says he is over me…what am I supposed to do?
    Please help!

  • flora March 13, 2014, 9:38 pm

    Hello Kevin, so It’s been 40 days of NC during which he texted sometimes to ask pointless infos and changed his status on socials into depressing ones or similar. After 30 days I replied his message saying I had been busy and would have taken a short holiday soon, to which he didn’t answer. I’ve then sent him a postcard while coming back home telling him that I would have liked to have had a trip with him like we used to. This was last week. He sent me a message some days ago asking me what I was gonna do that very night (we live far from each other so it was not a way to ask me out…) to which I replied some days later saying “I’m coming to take you” meant in a funny way, he answered via text and we had a short virtual laugh… He has not been contacting me anymore after that. Didn’t let me know about the postcard, that should have been already delivered. And now he changed his status into “it sucks to be single”. How do I proceed?
    Thanks so much for your help, you’re a god surfing through the net!

    • Kevin March 14, 2014, 1:15 pm


      Wait 4-5 days, then text him again. Keep in touch with him and have fun text conversations. Then ask him to meet.

  • Natasha March 14, 2014, 3:09 am

    Hi Kevin,

    My boyfriend broke up with me about two months ago, he has serious insecure issues and never trusted me although I was always trying to prove to him that he could trust me, anyway he told me it’s over he cannot do this anymore it’s doing his head in … I moved out in a very devastated manner, after the initial break up I would still go see him almost everyday we agreed upon a friend with benefit relationship for the time being I know that was the wrong move because at the same time I knew it was over. So I also made new guy friends with whom I chatted with and one day when I went to go see my ex he took my phone and saw I was speaking to other men he told me to leave and I’m not welcome there anymore. I was heartbroken, crying, confused because the text messages he saw were not bad at all… And I spoke to them because I felt rejected and they made me feel like a human again. I still love him deeply and I do want him back I never knew the no contact rule even existed because this has never happened to me before.. I started texting him acting all needy and desperate he never replied I must’ve sent over 50 messages ever since … Then I decided to write a 7 page letter telling him everything that was worrying him in the relationship an honest letter he didn’t want to read it eventually I literally had force him to read it so he did a week and a half later. I had to meet him at the house we lived in because I needed to fetch my furniture, that’s when he said he read the letter but he had no emotions nothing he treated me worse than what he did before emotionally he told me to leave (without taking my things). Then I found out a week later than he was randomly seeing someone now baring in mind he never ever cheated on me in the three years we were together he showed me so much love he admired my every move he treated me like a queen, because he was so insecure I knew he wouldn’t cheat on me although he thought I did! So when I found out I made the stupid mistake by phoning him and freaking out he told me if u can see other men (which I’m not doing) he can see other women. Ever since he has used the no contact rule on me I have sent more messages, the last message I sent him I told him I’m not going to run after you anymore I’m not going to act needy anymore and I’m not going to contact you anymore. After reading your no contact rule on your site I see I made a very big mistake by letting him on that I’m cutting contact I feel like fool now. I love this man dearly I gave him my whole heart and I do want him back for good but I’m afraid I may have messed things up … Please help me I’ve stopped texting him since yesterday but will he miss me will he think I’ve forgotten all about him? I’m very confused very sad and hurt please help me!


    • Kevin March 14, 2014, 12:33 pm

      Hey Natasha,

      I don’t think it’s a very big mistake. I think he will miss you during no contact. Don’t forget to send him a letter (or an email) as mentioned in the article. All the best.

  • maria March 14, 2014, 2:30 pm

    My boyfriend dumped me and it has been 2 months. He left me coz i was too controlling and needy. I see him everyday. Do u think nc is applicable when u have to talk and work together?

  • Anthony March 14, 2014, 8:21 pm

    So me and my girlfriend of 8 months just broke up last week. And the reason is that I saw that she didn’t spend enough time with her friends, so being the nice bf I am, I told her it would be a good idea to go out with them to catch up. One of her friends which is a girl does not like me when she never met me before, and she was in the group. The next day i noticed she was acting strange, and very distant, then the night I went home she broke up with me and said we had nothing in common, no hobbies. just when things were going good. I did my best to convince her not to do this, and how we can try new things, but she still left. The very same night her ex bf stayed over because she was not feeling good, then I find out they started dating again. She pretty much left me for her ex bf. She told me he was her first love and that he would always have her heart, she then said that they have a lot of things in common. At this point I’m an emotional wreck, I’m doing my best to not bother her anymore, and let her be. Her and her ex were dating for 8 months a year before we met. We met up so i can pick up my stuff and give her the keys to her apartment, and we talked in the parking lot about random stuff for 1hr 30m, everything seemed okay, then before she left, I gave her kisses on her cheek and that was the last time I saw her smile as she walked towards her car. On my way home she sent a text saying “Thank you for everything” Then when i got home I ordered her a surprise gift, a bracelet from Zales and had it sent to her house as something to remember me by. When she got it she said she loved it, and thanked me for it. That was a week ago, and was the the last time she wrote me, other than apologizing for hurting me a few nights ago. Me and her never had arguments or anything, I thought she was happy with me. I did so much for her, helped paid her bills, encouraged her to go back to school, was there for her when she was feeling down. So I’m completely surprised by her impulsive decision to just leave me for her ex bf. Do you think she will come back to me one day? What should I do? I’m still in love with her, and I wake up everyday looking for her goodmorning text, I feel so empty in the morning and at night. I’ve been taking sleeping pills that stopped working, I’m so hurt by this. Why would she do this out of no where? What should I do, and what are the chances of her coming back to me? Just yesterday she commenting on one of my facebook posts, and she’s liking peoples comments on my facebook pictures, so she has to be thinking about me. I haven’t wrote her at all, I’m giving her space. What do you think I should do now? I don’t want to lose her. Thanks in advance.

    • Kevin March 15, 2014, 6:38 am

      Hey Anthony,

      I do think you have a chance of getting back together. Follow the 5 step plan. However, I want you to consider the possibility that she might never come back and you have to be prepared for that. I suggest you try getting back with her just once and if it doesn’t work, you concentrate on moving on.

      • Anthony March 15, 2014, 3:02 pm

        Thanks, I’ll follow the plan. Do you think my chances are good? And is 8 months together long enough for her to miss me?

        • Kevin March 17, 2014, 7:47 am

          I think 8 months is long enough for her to miss you. I think you have a decent chance.

  • Anna March 17, 2014, 1:21 am

    Hi, I need some advice. I went in a relationship with my best friend. He supposedly left his ex-girlfriend for me, and we both had feelings for eachother. I told him earlier on, and things disintegrated and I finally ended it. He messaged me days later and admitted his feelings for me. Though I had equally strong feelings, I made him wait one month before I officially said I would be his girlfriend. After that, it seemed like he stopped trying, we talked less, work came in between and we were slightly rocky. After two weeks of an ‘official relationship’ we got in a big fight, after I got upset that our meeting was stuffed up for like the third or fourth time and things weren’t as smooth and happy as they were in the beginning. He was careless about it and so in anger I said to leave, and he took it seriously and did, even though I didn’t mean it. I tried to reconcile but he was and still is being stubborn and angry. But I still love him and I’m sure he still does too. I’m confused whether I should be trying to get him back or using the no contact rule. And have been interchanging between them two. I honestly don’t know what to do, I just want him back. What do you recommend I do?

    • Kevin March 17, 2014, 6:17 am

      Follow the 5 step plan.

      • Anna March 18, 2014, 8:18 am

        I’ve been following it, but what if he doesn’t come back?

        • Kevin March 18, 2014, 1:16 pm

          Then you move on.

    • Nick March 18, 2014, 6:30 pm

      You broke up with him and your doing the ‘no contact’ rule , do you realise that it’s ment to be for the other way round and you could just be no contacting each other

    • Anthzz March 19, 2014, 1:29 pm

      my gf and i were together for 2 years and it was a real relationship we were planning for our future ,i messed up by asking her mom to take her daughter out she’s muslim and am christians as u know that muslim girls are not allowed to date except muslim guys.Her parents forced her to leave me, and that’s what she did she was dead without me lost i kept nagging and telling her that she s doing a mistake leaving me i begged her for one month i even talked to her mom and told her that we are deeply in love and we can t live without each other and i m doing my best to make her parents proud and she rejected me.and now she’s not allowed to talk to me anymore and now i ve been doing the no contact rule for almost 2 weeks i keep seeing her at uni she’s somehow lonely and desperate her last message was “i’ll do what ever it takes to move on even if i want to stay single my whole life.”…
      Tell me now plz tell me what to do !

      • Kevin March 20, 2014, 8:26 am


        I answered your comment here.

  • Zulema March 19, 2014, 10:56 am

    I have already done the no contact rule for 3 wks, me&my boyfriend dated for 5yrs he left me because he said he didn’t feel the same which is hard for me to believe, I don’t know what to do next since it’s already getting close to a month and I don’t feel it is my part to go look for me since he was the one who broke up with me, it’s just hard to believe he’ll come looking for me because of his pride

    • Kevin March 20, 2014, 8:31 am

      Hey Zulema,

      Don’t let pride stop you from reaching out to him. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter that much if you contact him first. What matters is what your attitude is when you contact him.

      • Zulema March 20, 2014, 10:40 am

        What do you mean by attitude? I don’t feel it’s my pride, we’ve had other break up before where I brake up with him and look for him, I think he needs to love me enough to come look for me, but I don’t know if that is the right thinking

        • Kevin March 23, 2014, 3:06 pm

          If you are not needy and confident when you contact him, he will pick up on it and will be attracted to you. On the other hand, if he contacts you first, and you act needy and/or desperate, he will probably pull away.

  • Ann March 20, 2014, 4:45 pm

    I am devestated! Ex and I we’re living together for several years. Just Saturday he moved out bcz of a stupid argument that escalated to the move out. Two days later still not talking I practically begged him to talk. We do and tells me that we need time and that we are broken up and can’t come back home and doesn’t know if he will. Says not to call him and ends with a casual talk to you later. I’m a mess without hearing anything from him. Do you think the no contact rule will work?? Help!!

    • Kevin March 23, 2014, 2:44 pm

      Yes, it will help.

  • Sam March 22, 2014, 1:10 am


    Thank you for the wonderful website. I just broke up with my girlfriend last night. We were together for 1.5 years. The last 3 months, she’s gotten a new job, new friends, new life and started finding me clingy and needy. I intruded her privacy by reading her text that she felt violated. I was insecure. We cried a lot last night, she hugged me and refused to let go. We were hugging and crying for an hour. I beg her to return but she said that there’s no trust and we will only end up in quarrels. I’m not sure if she fell for someone else as there’s this guy she’s constantly texting. But I felt she couldn’t let go of us too. I texted her to ask her back today but she refused. I’m going to try the NC for 30 days. What do you think are the chances she will come back?

    • Kevin March 23, 2014, 11:59 am

      Pretty good. Don’t act needy. Read the 5 step plan if you haven’t already.

  • annabel March 22, 2014, 10:17 am

    My guy broke up with me simply because I complained that he has not call me for two weeks, he got angry and said what the big deal if he has not being calling me and I got angry at him, after which we had an argument over the issue and we said all kind of nasty word at each other, when I finally calm down, I realised I allowed my anger take the better part of me; then I called him back later and apologised to him, but he said he can no longer put up with my attitude. Ever since then I have being begging him, but he said no. This is a seven years relationship. Please, what do I do?

    • Kevin March 23, 2014, 11:43 am

      Since it’s a seven year relationship, I think the reason he gave you for breaking up is just BS. The real reason for him breaking up is probably different. Follow the 5 step plan.

  • Jennifer March 23, 2014, 12:16 am

    My ex broke up with me a few days after valentines day and said he just doesn’t love me anymore and haven’t for 2 months. We’ve been together for 3, but he says none of it has anything to do with me. It’s all him and he isn’t ready for a relationship. He says he isn’t very good at handling relationships. After the break up he said we can still be friends. But after all that happened a while later we hung out and we didn’t see each other for a long time and he was leading me on. I pushed him away a lot and then finally gave in. We did have sex, later on he told me he just misses the way we touch each other and cuddle. Does he still want to be with me and miss me? Or is he using me? I told him after the sex we can’t do it anymore and it’s not right. I strictly told him how I felt about it. Then a little while later us and all our friends get together and hangout. Yes we were drinking a little but he barely had any and WASNT drunk even though he said he was. He was flirting and everything. The next morning I got really upset. Once he left I texted him saying none of that can happen again I’m serious! After that the next weekend we were planning on hanging out. He texts me and brings up sex. We really flirted for a long time through text cause we were both in the mood and planning on doing it. I text him the next day telling him no but everytime he keeps saying sorry and it’s ok I don’t wanna anyways. When I know he really does. Now this is where I keep makin the mistake. I keep on textin him and today I texted him about doing it. First time I’ve ever brought it up! We were flirting in a way though. I regret it already. I haven’t told him yet about how I feel by not wanting to do it. Should I just stop textin him for a while and see what he does???

    • Kevin March 23, 2014, 10:35 am

      Yes, you should stop texting him.

  • Tommy March 23, 2014, 4:51 pm

    I recently went through a breakup with my girlfriend, which was a week ago. Things between us ended pretty nasty – she refuses to accept a friendship between us because we “have a history together.” Not to mention, she had told me this was her first real relationship with a guy – even though she’s had previous relationships before and she’s never been through arguing and what not. I’m pretty hurt because of this so, I constantly begged her to take me back, but won’t give me the time of day. She pretty much told me to move on and to grow up a bit. Our relationship has been going on for a year and three months. Her reasons for leaving me were because she is “done” with me. At this point, I don’t know where my chances stand with her. Can I please have some advice. Thanks.

    • Kevin March 24, 2014, 8:56 am

      You don’t have anything to lose. Follow the 5 step plan. If it works, great. If not, move on.

  • Ari March 23, 2014, 11:59 pm

    My ex girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. We developed a drug habit together which ruined our relationship. We’ve both quit since the break up and have remained clean. A couple weeks after the break up we started talking and hanging out. She tells me she loves me and misses me and then ignores me a couple days later. Her family knows about our problem which she said is making it very difficult. I can’t take the flip flop of emotions anymore so I am going to start the no contact rule. My question is how do I maintain the no contact rule because I know she Is going to be texting me a lot saying things from I love you why are you ignoring me to the opposite of mean things. Because we’ve been in contact almost everyday (whether it’s loving or indifferent on her end) what is the best way to initiate my no contact rule and stick to it?

    • Kevin March 24, 2014, 8:01 am

      Let her know you need some space and time and you think she can use it as well. Assure her it doesn’t mean that you are moving on, you just need some time to think things through and you will contact her after a month or two.

  • Nana March 24, 2014, 7:36 am

    Hey Kev,

    im glad i found this website it helps me alot! my long distance boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago, we’ve been dating since 2012 but we had a few breaks, the main problem was the distance, i wanted him to visit me often but he just was too busy for his work, now hes sick and isnt working and basically im the one who’s busy with work, hes my First true love and it was so hard for me to get over him, a few weeks ago i had contacted him and told him i missed him n he told me he was sick n going through some hard times right now, he got a lot of stress and stuff so i told him what he needed was to get away from his country and go somewhere else maybe he could come in my country i didnt mind and he said okay he will come in two weeks but the thing is, i’m so in love with him but i dont know if he still loves me too, we didnt see each other for over 8 months and our conversations now are very friendly nothing more but he knows i still love him (i failed n told him when i contacted him) all he said was he loves me too but he need to get in a good situation with his life, so hes coming in two weeks (as a friend) but i dont know how to act when he will be here, i would love to make him just see a brand new me and fall for me again like the first days i’m a little confused any advice?? THANK YOU

    • Kevin March 24, 2014, 7:51 am

      Just be yourself and have good time. Don’t act needy and don’t sleep with him until he commits.

  • Nina March 24, 2014, 7:44 am


    I was seeing a guy for couple of weeks and then it messed up. We’ve tried to sort things out since for the past year. But every time it’s him being ok for couple of weeks and then distancing himself again. He then blames me for not making enough effort and that being the reason for things not progressing between the 2 of us. He told me about his past and how he got divorced 2 months into the marriage and why it didn’t work out. With couple of incidents that have happened in the past it’s clear he cares. But I got to the point where I got fed up of making the effort all the time and him just responding to my calls or messages when he felt like it. I ended up saying we both want different things so best to go our separate ways and told him I was deleting him off my Facebook as we couldn’t be friends anymore and if we were cutting contact to do it from all ends. He responded saying you don’t owe me any explanation so don’t worry about it but what me and him had was very casual and minimum so best to leave each other with best wishes like I had. We didn’t sleep together and only saw each other once in those 10 months due to both of us being busy and circumstances at the time. I now still really like him and haven’t contacted him since that message. But am I wasting my time or is it worth doing the 30 day contact rule and then messaging him on fb saying something along he lines of something we did on the first day we met reminded me of him and leaving it as that and see what he says or is that me coming across desperate as I’ve said we won’t contact each other again

    • Kevin March 24, 2014, 7:50 am

      If you really like him and you think you have a potential future with him, it’s worth trying. If it doesn’t work, you can close this chapter in your life and move on.

      • Nina March 24, 2014, 8:12 am

        But I’ve tried couple of times and my friends keep telling me he’s a manipulative liar and messing with your head on purpose. That he doesn’t want to come across as the bad guy so he’s wanting you to not talk to him but on your own terms. Another friend said he’s got issues and still carrying the hurt from his divorce and messing with your head. I’ve told him we’ll go our separate ways but I just feel like there might still be a chance of a future if we actually got to know each other properly as we haven’t in the past due to the circumstances. Just don’t want to come across needy or desperate. Is it worth doing the 30 day no contact rule and then messaging him on fb even though I’ve deleted him off there, already deleted his number out of anger. Confused as to whether or not listen to my friends advice or not

  • Annabel March 24, 2014, 8:22 am

    Am so grateful because the no contact rules is really helping. Have not call nor text him for days now and only for me to woke up this morning and saw his text, will it be nice if I reply him?

    • Kevin March 24, 2014, 10:14 am

      Don’t reply yet. Wait till the no contact period is over. If he keeps on texting you, let him know you need some space and time.

  • Jane March 24, 2014, 1:22 pm

    Me and my Ex have been on and off for 4 years now! We have been through a lot but he left me 2 months ago, since then we have tried to make it work but he says he can’t forget the arguments we had! He says he still loves me and he wishes it could work! We started non contact 10 days ago but he would still text me. I have now told him I’ve blocked him as I want to move on, do you think non contact could work?

    • Kevin March 26, 2014, 12:29 pm

      Yes, it will probably work.

  • Peter March 25, 2014, 6:33 am


    I have seen you have been responding to everybody’s posts with some really useful advice, so hopefully you can help me. Looks like a great website and its all really relevant and up to date in 2014.

    My ex girlfriend broke up with me over a year a go now, we were going out for 4 years and had been best friends since the age of 14 (now 20). We’ve been emailing/writing – about 2 a month. But recently I have tried the no contact as I am not truly over her. It hurts me everyday as I know we could have been great together, and the reason we broke up was because I was jealous of a close guy friend she had when were a long distance a way from each other, and there were a few other reasons but most of which stemmed down to my attitude and how I was feeling, but I was and kind of am in love.

    Not actually seen her in just shy of a year, and thats been my decision as she wants to be friends, as we were bestest buddies at school. The reason I suppose I am in such a horrible place is because I still really like her, no resentment as we were not actually having much fun, but looking back and having time to reflect I can see where I went wrong and how easy it would be for us to work because I would just take it back and keep it to us being like we were at the start of the relationship. I got really wrapped up into it and was being too serious.

    She’s a genuine nice girl, and the only person I could imagine spending the rest of my life with, as i know we could be great. I’ve looked at girls and thought wow, she’s hot or she’s fit but I just don’t feel attracted to them, or the need to go after them. It really hurt, and still hurts since break up.

    What an earth should I do? I was going to (once I felt stable and in control – which I struggling to do) start to become friends with her, and then see what it feels like and if we still had something there.

    No offence but I have never written on these the sites, but I have exhausted all my family and friends that I would be able to talk to months ago, and this one looks like the best shot for some decent advice Kevin, Please will you give me a detailed response, I would really appreciate it. Many thanks in advance and keep it up your helping people.

    • Kevin March 26, 2014, 3:40 am

      Well Peter, before you pursue her, I’d like you to go out on a few dates. You are young, you should try and explore your options. I am not saying you should forget about her. In fact, in all practicality, she is probably perfect for you and you two will be great together. But it’s already been one year, and from what I read, you haven’t been with anyone else since then.

      Think about this, there is a possibility that you want her simply because you are hurt from the breakup. You think of her as this perfect person because you have never been close to anyone else. I’ll recommend you start dating and if possible start a relationship with someone (even if it’s a casual relationship). And after that, if you still want her back, then contact her and see where she is at.

  • Sandra March 25, 2014, 1:00 pm

    Kevin, I have a couple of questions, will you be willing to give me your opinion?

    • Kevin March 26, 2014, 3:24 am

      Absolutely Sandra.

  • michael john March 25, 2014, 4:49 pm


    I work with my partner, what is the best thing to do I haven’t spoken to her for about three weeks now and I feel bad as she hasn’t got money at the moment and seen her take of someone else or stay with nothing in at work. She told few friends in work wish he just contact me and say hello and she tried to contact me in the past few days and I didn’t reply or messaged back.

  • Jason March 26, 2014, 5:04 am


    My ex girlfriend and i broke up with me only three days ago. Apparently she likes another guy, and she isn’t missing me one bit. What do I do? I’m currently doing the no contact rule, but it seems like I’m the only hurting and missing her. Is there anything you could recommend that I can do?

    Thank you

    • Kevin March 26, 2014, 2:10 pm

      Follow the 5 step plan.

      • Jason March 26, 2014, 6:46 pm

        What if she acts like she doesn’t care about me.

    • Vishal March 28, 2014, 10:55 am

      Dude get some life…Try it hard its your mind not hers and u control it. trust me keep it for a week, then another week then another just keep going. She will come back to u begging.

      Same happened with me not just once more then once no contact works.!! Just keep faith and try harder.!!

  • jr304898 March 26, 2014, 9:32 am

    I’m real confused about my situation. I broke up with my girlfriend in December because there were a lot of fights occurring and she was pressing the issue of marriage at the same time. I broke up with her because I felt we were not working and was 100% confident at the time that I made the right decision.

    Over two months we contacted each other about once or twice every two weeks. I started seeing someone almost immediately after breaking up with her and am still hanging with her today. During the time I was with this person the ex told me she loved me and wanted to get back with me but i pushed her away. I was at the time feeling like i wanted to be with her but was scared because I had left her before.

    Anyways, over time I realized I had made a mistake in breaking up with her and told her i wanted to see her. She agreed and we met about a week ago. She was very upset and yelled at me told me she had met someone new thought she was moving on, etc. I left the meeting feeling she didn’t want to ever see me again. Later that night she told me she was sorry for yelling but wanted to meet again under less strenuous circumstances. I agreed and last night we hung out had a really good time except on the ride home she started crying and saying she wasn’t sure she could do this. She feels I hurt her too much and this new guy had made her feel better about herself and that she didn’t want to screw up a potentially good thing. Then seconds later she starts asking me how I would prove to her what I would do to make the relationship start over on the right foot. We talked for about an hour some good some bad but it ended with her inviting me into her place. We talked I said hi to her two cats that I bought her. When I went to leave she came and hugged me and we kissed it was a little awkward because we were both nervous. I had read this blog before and then told her if you need space to figure things out I am willing to do so. She quickly replied that that’s exactly the opposite thing I should be doing if I want to get her back. I told her I wasn’t sure if she needed space and she asked me if my heart told her to call her or my heart told me to show up at her place that’s what I should do.

    I’m really confused as I’m basically being told not do no contact. This goes against all that I’m reading in this blog, because my ex feels that she wants me to be in contact with her. We were planning on speaking next week, but I’m not sure if this is a good thing to do. She said she’s not sure what she wants to do in terms of getting back together but still wants to see me. I’m not too worried about the guy cause I’m almost 100% it is a rebound, but I also don’t want to drop off the face of the earth for fear of the unknown

    Please help!

    • Kevin March 26, 2014, 1:44 pm

      Well, if she is telling you to stay in touch with her, you shouldn’t do complete no contact. Stay in touch with her every 3-4 days. It seems she is very interested in getting back together and she might just need a little push in the right direction.

  • Confused March 26, 2014, 4:20 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I’ve been reading through your responses to various comments (which is so great of you, by the way). My boyfriend and I were together for four months and it was intense and almost perfect–we had a great connection. The last two weeks of our relationship went downhill because he felt pressure about about being with me and insecure as well (I’m much further along in my education and career than he is). Out of nowhere he asked for a break after we had a small disagreement where I was disappointed in him. Eventually we talked and he poured out his heart about how all his life he’s struggled with feeling inadequate and like a failure because of being verbally abused by his father growing up. He said he needed to find himself and figure out what he wants in his future, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be together again. He kept on hinting that we can make more memories together, but right now he wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship–but the moment he was ready, that I’d be the first to know. He wants us to keep in touch and stay friends. The “going on a break” conversation was very painful for me and I did ask for him to consider going through his issues with a partner, which may have seemed needy. But after I said what I wanted to say, I quickly gave him space and left for vacation and he was contacting me almost every day while I was gone, and it’s now been three days since I’ve heard from him (the longest we’ve ever gone not contacting each other). My plan has been is to never initiate contact with him, but to always reply positively and in a lighthearted manner. Does the “no contact” rule apply to my situation? I got over my heartbreak quickly (within a week) and easily jumped back into being single and doing my thing and taking care of myself. Since he is working through deep issues, I want to be supportive and available as a friend, but I don’t want him to think I am waiting for him and start seeing me as only an option when he is ready to date again. I’m not sure if I should be positive / fun but still keep things at a distance when he does reach out to me, or if I should ask for space and do no contact for at least 30 days.

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 1:03 pm


      I think I replied to your comment here. You are right with keeping limited contact and being postiive/fun.

  • Jason March 27, 2014, 5:42 am

    What if you recieve a message or a text from your ex, saying she misses you and wants you back. Do you go back to her? Or do you still keep up the no contact?

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 11:14 am

      You reply. But don’t jump in and show her how needy you are. Play it cool and take things slowly. Make sure she really means to get back together and is not just saying it because she misses you.

  • AnnaMaria March 27, 2014, 9:10 am


    I am writing this in hope that maybe there is still something that I could do or say to help my relationship not to end.
    So I am with this guy Alex for 3 and a half years and we live together for 3 years. We are very different persons and we knew this from the start. I am 30 and he is 26 (our differences may come from here). But because we had fun together and it was a nice experience we managed to stay together for this much, but we used to fight pretty often about lots of small things.
    3 months ago (for Christmas) he took 5 days off to the cabin at the mountains with his parents and I asked him when he returns to have a decision about us (whether we build together or we break up). And of course the decision was to break up because so many fights made him shrink his feeling for me and get to the point where he didn’t have anything to give in this relation anymore.
    I asked for a 1 month chance and he said ok – in 1 month things got really well, he was sweet, he seemed to have feelings, he had plans for us etc…until the 17th of February when I decided to quit smoking and for 3 days I was very nervous with his and I got in stupid fights again. So he decided to end the relationship again, for good because he told me I didn’t change a bit and he is sorry he opened to me in the last month, because I took advantage of it and when I saw that he is willing to be with me again, I returned to being a bitch 
    I asked for a 2nd chance and he said yes but being sure nothing will get better because he doesn’t have anything to give in this relation anymore.
    Last month was ok, but he was cold, didn’t talk much, wasn’t opened anymore and the worst part…he didn’t wanted me sexually anymore  this was really painful .
    So I begun a discussion last night and he told me that nothing is changed, that he still wants to break up, that he doesn’t have feelings for me, that he has no hope for us, that he does not see each other as a couple, that he perceives me as a buddy, and that is no longer my problem, but it’s hi’s, because he cannot be in this relation anymore and he can’t give anything.

    What should I do? If he has no feelings….its useless to stay.
    If I move out, there will be no change to ever get back together, each of us will be on his way 
    If I don’t move out…he won’t invite me out, because he is very diplomat and nice but I don’t seem to find a way to change how he feels for me.

    What I would really like to ask you Kevin is: if a person looses interest and feelings in you, is there any chance you can win them back and be happy together (on a second relationship, and trying not to make the same mistakes again)? Or these thing happen only in movies….???!!!!


    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 11:08 am

      Of course there is still chance. That’s what the 5 step plan is for. Even if you live together, you can apply the no contact rule as mentioned in the article.

      • AnnaMaria March 31, 2014, 3:51 am

        I want to believe there is still a chance, but what I don’t understand about a men’s mind and would really like you to try to answer to me is this:
        – how can he change from being sweet and lovely and tender, and carring at the beginning, to a sad, upset not carring person (just because we used to fight from time to time due to the fact that we are very different people with very different tastes, oppoinions etc) ?
        – how can he change in 1 month time from not carring and indifferent to a lovely, wanting a relationship person just because we had no contact for 1 month? this thing doen not seem fair, why a person doesn’t appreciate you when they have you, but they might appreciate you when they loose you?
        – how can you make the relationship beautiful when let’s say you do get a second change and he does come back to you? my belive is that in a very short while, things will get back to the way they were, and we will start to feel frustated again 🙁
        I don’t think that after a 1 month period, both people can act with eachother like they just met for the first time and start a new clean relationship with butterflys in their stomack 🙁

        Thank you very much in advance for your advices!!!

        • Kevin March 31, 2014, 1:42 pm

          1. People change. Relationships are hard to maintain. And sometimes people lose their feelings and the desire to put in the effort to make it work.
          2. The fear of losing someone forever is a very strong motivator. It’s just the way humans are. We always want what we don’t have. Philosophers have been contemplating on this for centuries.
          3. That’s why I recommend that you make positive changes in your life during the no contact period and try to figure out what really went wrong with the relationship. That’s why I recommend that you try to get back together only if you are sure that the relationship will work out this time. A lot of people do learn the mistakes they made during the relationship and change for the better during this time. For some it takes longer than a month. One month is just an approximate time limit in this article. In reality, it depends from person to person.

  • confused43 March 27, 2014, 2:50 pm

    Is there ever a situation where limited contact would better apply rather than no contact? For example, my ex asked for an indefinite break after 4 months of dating because he is working through some very personal things right now (struggling with feeling like a failure, not being where he wants to be in his career, feeling unmotivated in finishing his evening online college degree). I know he’s very emotional and was really unhappy with himself at the point of our breakup, and said that he knew he couldn’t make me happy and couldn’t deal with any relationship right now. But he kept on reassuring me that it doesn’t mean that we won’t be together again-he just doesn’t know how long it will be until he’s in a better place. He poured out his heart to me about growing up with verbal abuse and how that has shaken his identity and confidence, and this is something he has to sort out on his own. Meanwhile, he asked that we stay in touch. I haven’t taken any initiative in reaching out to him and only reply to his texts when he texts me (which was often right after our breakup) but I haven’t heard from him for four days now–the longest we have gone with no contact. I will continue to not reach out to him until he reaches out to me first, and will plan on taking my time to respond in a positive, light-hearted way (all of his texts since our break a couple weeks ago have been very lighthearted and non-emotional or at all deep). I’m very confident of where I am in life, was single for a long time and am functioning just fine without him, and I think it was my confidence and success in my career and education that perhaps added to his insecurities. Is limited contact ok so that I can be supportive –without seeming at all needy or as if I am waiting for him? I do plan to still try going on a date or two after a month or so just to affirm my feelings for him and my future as well, but I won’t be sharing that with him – just keeping my social media profile very low key over the next several weeks (we’re Facebook friends). Would love to hear your thoughts!

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 9:37 am

      Yes, limited contact will work great in your case.

  • Annabel March 28, 2014, 2:07 am

    Hi Kevin, I broke the No Contact Rules last night because I have missed my ex and decided to replied him when I saw his text
    . though, we never spoke about the issue, please what do I do?

  • Annabel March 28, 2014, 2:49 am

    Hi Kevin, I broke the No Contact Rules. please advice me on what to do

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 4:11 am

      Start again.

  • victor March 28, 2014, 12:01 pm

    Hey kevin.well me and my ex g.f broke up before 2 weeks.she is 4 year elder than me.reason of break up is she was not giving me enough time.i dumped her in the first place.after 7 days i apologized her for my action but she is not taking me back and very angry on me.she said she doesn’t want me back n mood off etc..it ended up with begging and pleading+ chasing her.but nothing worked.i said her, i can live without her & date another girl n happy to leave you.im following NO CONTACT RULE.today is my 13th day.i never got any single text/call from her.i EXPECT detailed reply from you kevin as my situation is worse.i think abt her all the time and get upset.i really love her.i want her back now.i regret for my stupid words and action.i feel guilty .what to do kevin ..please reply me .my hope is only u now as u r ecpert.THANKS .

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 1:17 pm

      It’s OK you didn’t get a text or call from her. It’s completely normal. you have a chance of getting back together. Follow the 5 step plan.

  • zaynab March 29, 2014, 3:38 am

    Hi Kevin, I and my boyfriend are in a relationship since 4 years we rarely meet because of family restrictions and our religion We had a bad breakup and I was involved in bad things he was studying in china that time but when he came back he asked me to meet and everything went same 3 months we were happy but then a week ago he again left for china and on a same day I bunked my college and went with my friends for hangouts here guys don’t like all this and there one of his cousin saw me and then my boyfriend abused me and left me what to do I really love him

  • Melissa March 29, 2014, 5:45 pm

    Hi Kevin, my boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me on monday. I met him a year and a half ago, and he felt in love with me. We started talking everyday, and so we did until we broke up. I wasn’t sure of the relationship at first, but I gave it a shot, and it worked, I actually realized he was better than I thought, and I started loving him. He was always more into it than me, for a while. Cause he was the one who tried to get me first. But problems started when I asked for more attention, even thought he gave me all the attention he could and he did the cutest things ever. I started creating drama and problems out of silly things, which I thought were important problems, so I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. He begged, so we got back together. That actually happened 3 times. And after I broke up with him 3 times and he begged to go back, I realized that that was all I wanted, not actually breaking up; but actually that was the reason why he broke up with me for the first and the second time. The first time he broke up with me he said that he thought about all the changes in my life, since I’m changing college and that i’m going to meat new people, and that he was afraid about that. Also telling me that breaking up could be the best. After talking and actually accepting the first break up he inmediately asked me to get back together. He said he couldn’t do it, that he couldn’t live without me. But I noticed he changed a little bit, he was not the lovely, worried to loose me, charming guy that he was when we first started. So I talked to him, and told him that he wasn’t the same, that he was weird and that he wasn’t the same person as he was before. The most important reason to break up with me then was ”why did you break up with me?” and ”our time is over” as well as ”it’s not going to work anymore, we can be friends, but not boyfriend/girlfriend” ”you’ll get over it” ; but in that moment I told him I couldn’t be her friend, cause I can only see him as my boyfriend. I begged to not break up with me, crying, telling him he’s the only person I have left, asking what can I do to fix it and more, but it didn’t work, he broke up with me and left anyway. I was devastated. Cried all day. My friends took me to the beach cause my birthday was soon, but I was devastated, yup, even on the beach. The next day I texted him, telling him if we could actually be friends, cause I needed to talk to him and know about him. So, he told me that was what we wanted to do,.. then i begged again, but he was decided, and continued saying that we can not be together.. and then I said that if we needed to be friends to talk then i’d accept that. So we tried, for 2 days, but actually I didn’t feel right. He was not friendly, meaning his replies were not interesting per say. We didn’t talk for a day, on that day my 2 best friends called him to ask him about me and he showed no interest to get back together nor interest on me. Then, the next day, my birthday came, and he wrote me, just as a friend, to telling me happy birthday, showing not much interest. He also told me he’ll give me my present one of these days. It hurt, but I was ok. That same day I saw he accepted a girl he once kissed and talked to, among other girls. I was depressed, again. Even when I was on the beach, and even when my friends and family tried everything to make me happy. After I came back (today) from the beach I found your website, and I really do hope for you to help me. I will follow every of your steps I saw on the how to get your ex back plan, and actually, reading this has helped me to stop depressing. Although im still sad, this is the only hope I’ve found. If he texts me to give me a present what should I do? Do you think we’ll be back together? Do I still have a chance? Thank you for your help.

    • Kevin March 31, 2014, 11:09 am

      Hey Melissa,

      I am happy you found the website helpful. If he contacts you for the present, you can answer him. It’s not a problem. But you should try to keep the conversation short and to the point. You do have a chance if you follow the plan.

    • Melissa May 13, 2014, 8:38 pm

      So, during my no contact period I randomly met my ex 3 times, the first time we didn’t greet, because he didn’t come to say hello.. then I met him at a concert, he did say hello, but nothing else. Then, we met in a food place. I was with 4 guy friends, that I met recently, therefore he doesn’t know them. One of them was actually interested on me, and it was obvious on his actions. My ex, on the other hand, was eating by himself. We did say hello to each other and then I continued to eat with my friends and having a wonderful time. Actually we were eating after going to a party, and my ex would probably noticed that because of my clothes. (that happened on a saturday) Then, 2 days later, my ex contacted me; actually my no contact period would have ended a day after he contacted me, therefore i assumed answering him was fine. Also because I did everything i had to do during the no contact rule, and i was actually really happy of how my life was going. When he contacted me (which was last tuesday) he said ” hey, I’m texting to know how are you and i know we’re not together anymore but as i told you i still don’t want to loose you as a friend” I replied ”hey, good and you?” and he continued the conversation, he talked about several things of common interest, he even told me to go to one of his concerts, since he has a band. And even to listen to a song he recently heard because ”its my type and i would like it”. We talked for a while, he asked about my little sister, my school, and he told me that he’s going on a trip this friday with his dad, that he’s no longer a vegetarian (after 3 years) and so many more things. he told my his mom told him I ran into her that sunday and he tried to continue the conversation. But I didn’t want him t think i was desperate to talk to him, thats why i really didn’t ask him much, my replies were friendly but short and i finished the conversation first saying ”well, i have to go to bed i have a trip to the beach tomorrow, so i have to wake up early. I’m glad we can talk as friends, bye take care.” He replied ”i have to wake up early too, i have school tomorrow, it makes me happy that we can talk and still be friends, have a nice day tomorrow, you too take care.” but i’ve seen how he has added a lot of girls on instagram, and even girls he has liked before. So, I don’t know how to do now.. what do you think about my situation? do you think i should tell him if we can talk so i can tell him ”I’m glad we can be friends, sorry for all the mistakes i did, thank you for everything” and stuff like that (such as the letter)? or should i text him saying something friendly like ”now that you eat meat you should try that place i always told you i love”? or what should i do. please help, and thank you again.

      • Kevin May 17, 2014, 12:51 pm

        Don’t send the “letter” text. Continue with texting casually and let him chase you. I’ll recommend you wait a week. If he doesn’t contact you in a week, then you should text him.

  • amber March 30, 2014, 11:31 am

    hi Kevin okay so me and my boyfriend got into it about for 4 days ago to make a long story short his mom and grandma were grumpy old grouchs and disrespected me a lot pretty much favoured and their grandchildren over my children and at times my boyfriend did too but he never mistreated my children I wouldn’t be with a man who did!! but he wouldn’t want to discipline his children meaning stand in them in the corner or taking things away or grounding them or something only if necessary of course but he didn’t have a problem was disciplining my children he thought his
    children did no wrong well we had recently got custody over his daughter and son your mom was in a very good mom she took off and ran off and left and I understand the children probably took it hard and I was there for them I love them like my own but he seemed to think that since I wanted him to make them mind and his daughter was always tearing up stuff and lying about it he wouldn’t disappoint her and his mother always talking behind my back to try to act like my friend to my face well I had finally had enough and told her about herself causing her to say she wasn’t going to come around anymore but I had had enough for the two faced anyways so me and him got into an argument the other day again over his daughter I just told him I was done I just wanted him to move out we had a pretty big fight I told him I wanted him to get his things and get the heck out so the next day he did and moved two hours away from me now I feel devastated I was wanted him to make his children mind I felt like me and him had the perfect relationship he would always tell me you love me like he never loved anybody and I have never felt this way about anybody before I don’t think that he would have laughed if I would have made him leave but now that he’s gone two hours away with his family and all turned against me I feel like I will never have him back again and I am heartbroken I admit I have checked Facebook a couple times
    on his aunts page and she keeps posting things about him how he’s having a good time laughing enjoying it and getting settled into his new home and going to bonfires cousins and friends and just laugh and having a good ol time I don’t know if you do not purposely because she knows I’m reading it or if you really is I have not tried to contact him he’s been gone like 3 or 4 days is there any chance he may come back or should I just move on thank you

    • Kevin March 31, 2014, 12:27 pm

      Yes, there is a chance. In fact, there is a good chance he is missing you right now as much as you are missing him. Follow the 5 step plan.

  • Cindy Dsouza April 1, 2014, 10:28 am

    Hello KEVIN,
    My story is that i and my boyfriend were in a relationship for a year as we were school friends. He was very caring but he also wanted that i do ways according to him like not putting the status on social sites and tell him everything where i am going. One day it happened that i was very upset and so i put the facebook status and when he seen it he got very angry and he said he does not want to talk to me. After much apologizing he excused me. Another incident happen that when he went with his friends outdoor he bought a gift and other things. But after coming he had committed me that he will meet me and that particular day i was waiting for him he did not turn I called him up and i was very upset and i shouted at him. He did not spoke a word. After that day his calling and messaging has stopped at all only when i call or text him he replies otherwise he does not respond to me at all. I know i am short tempered but i tell him that his avoidance behaviour makes me feel ignored. I now see him online on sites but he does not even reply to me at all. It looks like we are strangers. I feel very hurt. I was the person who loved him cared for him more than anyone else and supported him like a wife. I never allowed that he should adjust i always took the step. Now everyday i message him good night he mesg me good nyt but he does not sleep i watch him he is online late night and he does not know as i be invisible. I am scared is he in love with some other girl. The gift what he bought for me i did not get only. I am shattered kevin i dont know what to do. Shall i start the No Contact rule or is he gone ahead in life.. Please help me kevin i really need a reply from you. i LOVE HIM LOTS as we were in a relationship like husband and wife. How can he forget in a year and go ahead. Please help me.

    • Kevin April 2, 2014, 7:38 am

      Follow the 5 step plan Cindy. I don’t think he forgot you. It’s possible he has feelings for some other girl but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any feelings for you.

      • Cindy Dsouza April 3, 2014, 3:15 am

        Thanks kevin i will follow your advice. Whenever i used to ask my boyfriend why your online late night he used to say that he is chatting with his office colleagues or just reading the text come from his group. Now the issue is even he has his girlfriend he is not telling me. He always say if you dont trust me its better you dont talk. So i stopped doubting him but whenever i see him online i get very upset. Last night his grandmom expired he had texted me i replied him. He said thanx. He never called me from past two months only texted me when he remember me once in a blue moon but he never asked me how i am and how is everything going on. Its so bad whom you love that person may be or may not be in another relationship and does not share any of his problems neither happiness with you. i am totally aware whats happening in his life and he is also not trying to find out whats happening in my life. I really hope your advice works. I am just upset as my birthday is approaching and i wish something good from his part.

        Cindy Dsouza

        • Cindy Dsouza April 4, 2014, 1:10 pm

          Hello kevin,
          I am started the NC RULE and i wanted to ask you that as i cannot block his profile from facebook and neither i can delete my account. Its necessary that within 30 days i cannot post my pictures where i am roamed with friends and family. Please reply me.


          • Kevin April 5, 2014, 8:34 am

            Yes, you should post pictures on facebook.

          • Cindy Dsouza April 7, 2014, 9:42 am

            Thanx kevin as you said i posted the pictures on facebook and guess what? My boyfriend called me up suprisingly and texted me but as you said during no contact period no calls no message so i did not replied him. I hope i am in the right track. What else i can do that will make him miss me more.

          • Cindy Dsouza May 2, 2014, 1:15 pm

            Hello I have already started NC rule..But i came to know from one of his friends casually when i was going for shopping that he is now having a new girlfriend.

          • Kevin May 3, 2014, 10:36 am

            It doesn’t change anything. You should still follow the plan.

        • Cindy Dsouza April 7, 2014, 9:50 am

          sorry for the trouble but actually i am confused according to NC rule it says no contacts then how posting my update photos on facebook is allowed. Could you please explain me. I posted as you said but every week its fine i post my photos on facebook and not answer his call or text.

          • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:58 pm

            One of the objectives of no contact is to make your ex miss you. It helps your ex miss you and makes them realize that you are slowly getting over them. Yes, there is a chance that it will make them call you. But that’s OK. If they continue calling you, tell them you need some space and time and you will appreciate it if they don’t call you for a while.

            Of course, the main objective of no contact is making yourself feel better, concentrating on yourself and learning to be happy without your ex. If all this interferes with that main objective, then you should not post updates on facebook and try to stay away from any social media until you are ready to handle it.

          • Cindy April 8, 2014, 2:56 am

            Thanx kevin for continously supporting me. I dont know what is my future but yes i am sure that my life will be changed in a positive way only because of your support and advice. I only want love and happiness from people and if my boyfriend is not happy with me, he is with other girl or if he has still feelings for me I would always wish for his happiness as he means to me a lot as he was the first person who i really loved truly took care of him like a mother loved him as a girlfriend and supported him as a wife. I just want that he does not forget me. I would be also happy if my dream with him to be together becomes true. According to your rules i am seriously into NC no contacts. I want to change my emotional nature into tough girl, attitude as always my boyfriend used to complain that i am not matured and always emotional. Trying to change myself to prove myself..

          • Cindy Dsouza April 11, 2014, 3:51 am

            hi kevin,
            Today is the tenth day and i am trying very hard to follow no contact. My boyfriend did not even give me a message or call where i am and did not even find out why i am out of all social networking sites. I am trying very much hard to cope with this panic feeling and trying to concentrate on another work. I dont know whether he will try to figure out about me. I am just feeling low.

          • Kevin April 12, 2014, 10:11 am

            It’s normal Cindy. You will start feeling better soon.

          • Cindy Dsouza April 13, 2014, 2:58 am

            hello kevin,
            My boyfriend had called me from an unknown number and unfortunately i picked up yesterday. My birthday is approaching near and he wanted to meet me. The problem is whenever we used to meet he used to come at my home and spend time with me like husband and wife. I hope you understand what i mean to say. He expects that this birthday he will meet me at my place and spend time.But instead of meeting me at my house i will tell him that he will hang out somewhere. During breakup i had asked him that whatever happened between us what was it. The commitment what we gave to each other ? He said that i was the one to call him at my place and be into physical relationship. It shattered me and then he said he was just joking he did not mean. He spend most of his times with his friends and sometimes i feel that his friends are putting in his mind about me as of which he stopped communicating with me at all. But on my birthday i cant ignore him if he calls me i will meet him outside and keep the communication short. According to you i wanted that i am doing is right. When i meet him what shall i talk so that he feels that i am happy in my life. Could you please help me and suggest me some tips. I am following NC rule but i know very well on my birthday he will call me or try to meet me and may be he will bump instantly at my house. So please please tell me if i meet him outside is better or meet him at home and what shall i talk to him. Waiting for your reply. I really wished that something best should happen that day. Please reply. Take care.

          • Cindy April 14, 2014, 4:10 am

            hi kevin,
            A new climax started last night i messaged him on facebook message i was getting an award today and my career came up only due to his support. So i messaged him saying thanks for his love and care. I did mistakes but he kept on ignoring. I also told him it was strange that after so many years of schooling destiny made us to meet and fall in love and reminded him about the past memories. I always dreamt that if i get an award i wished my boyfriend to be side of me and i say yes i m here coz of him. But he did not reply anything not even congragulation. He just updated his profile and cover photo in facebook and liked some photographs of others and went offline. Kevin i felt heavy stone in me as if it destroyed me. Tears came out missed him so much that the feeling could not get controlled. I only want to know the reason why is he behaving like this what have i done if he does not want me or love me why he does not tell things clearly. I dont know how shall i behave on my birthday. I am just confused with myself.

          • Kevin April 14, 2014, 11:56 am

            Hey Cindy,

            Whatever happened, it’s OK. I’ll recommend you start no contact again for 30 days. If your birthday comes before the end of no contact, I’ll recommend you don’t meet him at all. If he contacts you, just say thanks. If he insists on meeting you, tell him you need space and time and you can’t meet him right now. You need to learn to be happy without him and accept that you might never get him back before you end no contact. The reason you feel there is a heavy stone inside you is because you were not ready to contact him yet. This is why I recommend no contact.

          • Cindy Dsouza April 17, 2014, 2:15 pm

            hi kevin,
            My bday my boyfriend did not call me up and wish me at 12 i expected that he will call me and wish me . I am really hurt

          • Kevin April 18, 2014, 10:44 am

            Hey Cindy,

            I am sorry he didn’t call you. But understand, that it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care for you. Perhaps, he wanted to avoid a conversation with you because your last interaction with him was needy. I think you should start no contact and learn to be happy in your life without him before contacting him again.

            PS: Happy Birthday!!

          • Cindy April 22, 2014, 8:03 am

            Hi Kevin,
            My birthday was on 18 april and he came suprisingly at my house to take me out. He said my best friend is not well and could not contact me so he came personally to pick me up. I was shocked and without thinking I left out with him.He took me to his friends place where he had arranged a surprise birthday party for me. He hugged me as if nothing happen between us. He also threw party for his friends on my behalf. I was quiet. My boyfriend told me when we were alone that he cant give me birthday gift now as he has ordered and made the gift for me but he is waiting for the right time to give. I said its ok no problem. All friends were telling him that why he did not give me gift. He was sitting quiet . He did not wish me 12 at nyt he wished me in the morning as he went to sleep at nyt before going to work he texted me with lots of xxx000 symbols. One more incident happened on my birthday his friends were showing girls photos and telling me that this girl is he having crush . My boyfriend became nervous he said its nothing like that and just they are friends. I said its fine i have no problem. I had worn one frock which was short and stockings he was trying to convince his friends that not to make plan out in any public place as i had worn short dress but they were not hearing. So finally we went to a public place. He was worried as all were looking at me and he was getting angry on his friends. Whenever we all were walking he used to tell me to be between them so that no one does anything to me. He was more feeling insecure. When my hair was coming front he was putting it back in front of his friends and when on my ring a small insect was sitting he was blowing it. Kevin I really dont understand what he wants. In the car he took me near him and kissed me on my forehead and after my birthday he is now quite not online talking with me and called me .Why is he behaving like this. Sometimes he shows so much love and sometimes he is like a stranger. On my birthday i felt as if nothing happened between us. But yes one thing i noticed he always used to talk with his friends about his work and i used to feel bored. Even when we sat in the car friends wanted to hear music and he told them that the music what i will play will not be understood by me. I felt somewhere insulted he cares loves and insults. Kevin what do you think after hearing this what will be in his mind.

          • Kevin April 25, 2014, 12:47 am

            I think it was just part of his hot and cold behavior. From your past comments, I don’t think you’ve applied no contact rule till now, so in my opinion, you should do it.

  • Yette April 2, 2014, 12:07 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Thank you for your sites and articles. I have been on and off with this guy for about 5 years now. We havent been official for sometime now, but we live together. We’ve been living together since September 2011. Yesterday we finally had a conversation about everything going on. He mentioned that he doesnt see himself with me and doesnt know why. Long story short, at the end of it all, I told him how I felt and asked him to deeply really think about it again, to weigh out its pros and cons because the fact that we havent really taken our relationship to its highest capabilities, its worth giving a try. He promised that yes, he will really think about it. I know I want to give him time, but again, we live in a 1 bedroom apartment together, and there’s no other place right now i can go to give him the “no contact” and time to himself to really think and “miss” me. I dont know what to do Kevin. I dont want to lose this guy, but i feel like i am going to. I plan on keeping myself busy and occupied during this time he “thinks” about it. And coming home late just to be out of the apartment for most of the evening cause thats the only thing i can think of about giving him “no contact”

    whats the best thing i can do? do i even stand a chance?

    • Kevin April 3, 2014, 8:04 am

      Yes, you do have a chance. What you are planning to do is the best thing you can do.

  • Eri April 2, 2014, 1:42 pm

    Hello Kevin. I feel confused…
    You say I shouldn’t contact him, but then you also recommend Ryan’s system and in his system for Drift it tells me NOT to lose contact.
    What should I do? I feel so confused 🙁
    To make our long story short: we were ok, and I DID act needy, but what mostly broke our relationship is my probably irreparable problems with my mother (too overprotective even though I´m 25) and that he felt a lot of pressure from my family because they asked him about his career and future (his family is adorable and they love me, I didn’t spend a lot of time with them, so they didn’t ask ME those question, they just accepted me with open arms).

    I do feel I love him, I also know he needs to mature, but I love him now just the way he is, with all his good, bad and ugly.
    My main fear is he’s VERY stubborn and even if he has feelings for me, he will act as he doesn’t care because he doesn’t need drama in his life. I don’t intend to give him more drama, I just want to share happiness!

    So, please, any thoughts? comments? what should I do?! Not contact them?! or act as their friend and work my way from there all over again??

    Help :'(

    • Kevin April 3, 2014, 8:31 am

      Hey Eri,

      It’s your call. If you think you acted too much needy and your ex needs some time to forget about all the negativity of the breakup. Then do no contact. IF you think you need some time to put yourself together before contacting your ex, do no contact. I usually always recommend no contact and then follow Ryan’s system. But if you think that you can handle communications with your ex right now and he will be warm to you when you contact him, then go ahead and do it.

      • Eri April 3, 2014, 2:30 pm

        Yes, thank you, I think I will follow the NC plan for 30 days so his negative thoughts on me disappear, then go on with Ryan’s system.
        Another question: he said right now he doesn’t have feelings for me “not positive nor negative” so he’s basically indifferent, in your experience, will the indiference continue or will he act friendlier? I DO need to see him (and kinda hoping to do so and show him, even if it’s faking it, that I’m ok with the break-up) because I need to deliver some cupcakes for his cousin’s birthday party. Of course, given the circumstances, I will handle it professionally and won’t even discuss our former relationship, you know, I’ll just be nice, natural and friendly.
        Do you think that’s a good plan? Maybe get him out of the idea that I’m heartbroken and hopefully that will make the friendly approach much easier.

        Of course, I am aware it’s wishful thinking, and that things may not come out the way I’m hoping for. But I’m trying to stay positive :).
        Also I really DO want his friendship back, first things first, if that does end up successfully or not in us getting back together, that’ll be another story (crossing my fingers!!!), but for now I want to get him back AS A FRIEND! He means THAT much to me ♥.

        Thanks, regards.

        • Kevin April 4, 2014, 9:54 am

          I don’t think he can be indifferent. It takes quite a while after a breakup for someone to become indifferent to their ex. Perhaps, he is lying or perhaps he is mistaking his confused feelings as indifference.

  • Liro April 2, 2014, 11:35 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    So we broke up on March 30th and I have maintained a no contact just for 2 days. We had a very serious argument and fight that led to our 7 year relationship to end. I know it’s my fault, I blame it all to myself because I changed. I tried to chase her and beg that I will change but she did not agree of course because of the pain she felt. I started the no contact today and today she texted me this: “All my family and friends told me not to text you but I want to let you know what did I do to deserve this much pain? How did you end up becoming a monster instead of my prince charming? I hate you so much for breaking my heart, for all the times you shouted at me, for all the times you hit me, for all the times you rushed me. Thanks for breaking my dream of having a fairytale wedding one day. I didn’t deserve all that. I don’t expect you to reply.I know one day I will be able to move on and start anew. But for now asking for me to forgive you is too much to ask after all the pain you put me through.” I know I shouldn’t reply or should I. I am trying the no contact rule but it just breaks my heart not to comfort her this time. It was my fault but I want to bring back our relationship together.

    • Kevin April 3, 2014, 10:14 am

      Wait for a while before replying. Follow the 5 step plan. You need a month for her to cool off before you do anything.

      • Liro April 3, 2014, 2:06 pm

        Hi Kevin,
        After a month, if she has not texted me back or made any type of communication with me, what should I reply to her or should I keep the NC? Today she texted me that she remembered that I have the points cards for movies and want it back. What do I reply to her? I want to maintain the no contact for at least a month to heal both of us. Thanks for your reply.

        • Kevin April 4, 2014, 9:52 am

          Let her know you need space and time and so does she. Also, I replied to your comment here as well.

        • sharon April 7, 2014, 7:44 pm

          Hi kevin

          I left s comment about a week or two ago. I have the on and off relationship. Well i wanted a little more advice. I bought the relationship rewind to help alittle. So my ex wants to stay in contact and i know you said to give it 2 or 3 months.he wants to talk but i dont want to get put in the friend zone permently. He saids i am the only one who can make him so upset because he cares so much. He saids the whole wait a year thing because we need to sort ourselves out. I also found out that day we broke up he asked some random girl out but then he said it was a mistake. He also misses me and saids we lost our foundation for a reltionship andd the whole on and off thing happens because we dont give it time. I just wondered being that he wants to talk and randomly text should i start off with no contact or should i try to be a friend and build from that point?also should i worry that if he dates anyone else it will be serious?im just worried he will forget our 4 years. We have growing up to do and he is scared to grow up he broke downin front of me freaking out. He said he has never broke down like that in front of anyone before idk if that is good.we talked about marriage before all of that for a long time now he saids he cant see himself marrying me but then he saids all i told you above ( he kinda hopes we get back together etc.) He even like 3 months ago randomly talked to me about houses. Should i worry he will forget about me?should i keep contactin the “false friendship” or startno contact?do you think he is just going through a crisis right now?

          • Kevin April 8, 2014, 10:48 am


            In my opinion, you do need some no contact to put yourself together before going ahead with the relationship rewind plan. However, if you decide to go ahead right now, even that will be fine. If he does start to date someone, it will probably be a rebound so don’t worry about that.

  • Steve April 3, 2014, 1:00 pm

    I recently broke off a two year relationship we were always fighting. I never knew about the NC rule and as a result. The 2 day later I texted to see if she was okay? She replied in a very cheerful way. Hello! that she loved me but that she was needed time mend. I saw her the next day leaving a restaurant with someone else.
    Later I found her at the gym and she said she was not going to avoild me and we made a pack for friendship. Long story short I pursued her. We slept together. No text after wards and I’m on the nc rule its been 1 week. I saw her stopped at the light across from me where I was stopped at the same light. I quickly picked up a paper and pretend to be reading something. I wasn’t sure during NC what to do in a case like that?
    I ran into her in the store the night we had sex. She was with another guy that she said was a friend she met from the church and he was helping here through a difficult time.
    Is there a chance to get her back or is all lost because we slept together. What if I run into her again at the store? What if she waves or doesn’t wave to me when we are across from each other. Has anyone been here in a similar situation. I need a friend!

    • Kevin April 4, 2014, 9:44 am

      I don’t think you ruined it. I’ll recommend you keep no contact short, for about 3 weeks and then contact her again.

  • Jarred April 3, 2014, 3:06 pm

    Hi Kevin, my girlfriend broke up with me on new years. after that i acted pretty desperate and i begged for her to come back and she was very angry at me and ignored me. throughout january we made up briefly a couple times but i kept screwing it up by asking about the relationship or trying to contact her a lot. she slept with me a couple times at my place at the end of the month. in february she was mostly mad at me because i gave her roses and a letter for her upcoming birthday, so i said i hope in the future we can be somewhat friends. 5 days later on her birthday i didnt message her and she messaged me saying hey, how’ve you been doing? and apologized for “her attitude and constantly hurting me”. so we started having a friendly conversation and she wanted to hang out the next day. we did and drove around and it was great, we parted ways and i didnt contact her after that. a couple days later at like 1 in the morning she asked if i wanted to hang out again on monday, to which i responded sure. we hung out but she was kinda being depressed and awkward(still a little playful though) she said she was just having a hard day. a week later she deletes me off skype randomly even though i didnt say anything to her. and i was going to my friends house but she was going to be there and she said that “we’re not alright” randomly, even though the last time i spoke to her we were on good terms. Help me!

    • Kevin April 4, 2014, 10:41 am

      Give her some time to sort out her feelings. She is confused.

  • Steve April 3, 2014, 8:41 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    Thanks for your help and understanding what a tough time this is for me. I have a question about NC. I am 56 and she is 45 we have been dating for 2 years. There were many reasons we broke up but mainly it was the consent fighting about whose truth was right.
    I broke the NC rule because at the time I had never heard of it. I made most of the mistakes listed. I made a vow to do the 30 days and start over. I am now at day 7. It’s been hard because I feel she lied and betrayed me and it is hard to get her out of my mind but at the same time I feel a huge empty void!
    Here is what I need a little assistance on. She was at a stop light and I was at a stop light going in opposite directions. I panicked and grabbed my work sheet and acting like I was reading until the light changed. I’m not sure what to do I just ignore her? Also if I run into at the gym or the super market do I say hello? I tried to find the answers on your website and I did read FAQ I want to be a success and do the 30 days but I would appreciate your thoughts.

    • Kevin April 4, 2014, 11:13 am

      Whenever you run into her, treat her like you would treat an acquaintance. If you have to talk to her, keep the conversation short and end it saying you have to go somewhere/do something.

      • Steve April 4, 2014, 2:08 pm

        Thanks Kevin for your response. It helps me to better understand and make some kind of sense about all this! I’m still a little confused about the stop light situation? We travel the same road often as it is a small and we see each other in traffic. Do I wave to her? If she waves to me do I respond? I really want to do this right! I have mixed feelings.
        One other question please: If I run into and she say hey I want to chat with you do you have time. Is the best response I cant right now I’m late for a meeting?

        • Kevin April 5, 2014, 8:47 am

          Don’t wave to her. If she waves, wave back. If she asks you to chat, let her know beforehand that you need to get somewhere but give her a chance to talk. If she wants to talk about the relationship, just tell her you need some space and time right now and you don’t think it’s a good idea to talk about it right now. Be cordial everytime you see her but don’t be needy.

  • Tamara April 3, 2014, 11:06 pm

    Does all of this advice apply to someone who was not necessarily your boyfriend? As in, it was a situation where there were no titles.

    • Kevin April 4, 2014, 12:31 pm

      It depends. If you were close for a long time, then yes it does.

  • Josh April 4, 2014, 8:49 pm


    My ex and I were together for about 5 years and lived together for 3. A few months after we moved in together she found out I was paying my previous ex money back that I felt was right to pay back because she supported me through some tough times. My current ex found out about this through a facebook message from my previous ex and ever since then she didn’t trust me. She tild me things I could do to help her trust me again and I would do them for a little while and then stop and the problem was never fixed. After that she started to drink heavily and both things took a toll on our relationship. We tried counseling but it didnt work. Finally one day after an extremely bad night, she told me she was moving out and did.
    We didn’t speak for a while and then her mom had to gonto the hospital and we started hanging out again and for about 4 or 5 weeks things were going really good and I thought there might be a chance of us getting back together. We have been

  • Josh April 4, 2014, 8:54 pm

    Hit submit too soon.

    Anyway we were doing really well but she was still drinking a lot. Then she decided to go to rehab which made me really happy. But when she came out she told me we can’t be friends or anything because I’m the trigger that makes her want to drink.
    We have been broken up for about 5 months and I haven’t talked to her for a week.

    Do you think there could be a chance at salvaging this relationship?

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:18 am

      OK, you need to give her time till she feels like she can control her drinking. I’ll say at least two months. Then get back in touch with her and see if she can stay friends with you and still control her drinking. I think you do have a chance.

  • Renea April 4, 2014, 9:56 pm

    I really need some advice I have been seeing someone on n off for 3 years we have been thru a lot n never made our relationship official as we both have been hurt in the past we said we wanted to take things slow I fell in love with him he was my best friend my lover n meant the world to me no matter what i knew he was there for me last march we got started spending a lot of time together we made it clear that we were only seeing each other but never put a “title” on us but we cared about each other very much at least I did I thought he did too in July one night I was spending the night n he told me an old friend had contacted him n wanted to go to lunch n he told me it was nothing I needed to worry about I told him I didn’t want him to go n he said it wasn’t a big deal next thing I know they went to dinner n he started seeing her he told me he was with her I was devastated i still am n it’s been 8 months n he’s moving in with her I have kept my distance bc I’m so hurt he will call me randomly n talk to me as if we never skipped a beat I tell him how upset i am but I tell him I’m not chasing him he knows I love him he knows I wanna be with him he knows I’m so saddened by his move n especially how he is moving in with her he tells me he’s not sure if he’s making the right decisions he says he doesn’t love her he says ” we get along” n “she’s cool” I’m so upset n feel lost we met up the other day bc I haven’t seen him in months n it was as if we never left each other the way he looks at me melts my heart I am the one he should be with I’m the one who should be waking up with him then when we were together he looked thru my phone n saw a guy text me n got mad n asked a ton of questions but I have nothing to hide i haven’t been with anyone since him 3 years ago I can’t bring myself to even look at anyone else it love him so much he made me look in his eyes n tell him nothing was going on but i said y does it matter ur moving in with someone n he said He dosen’t care but i know he does I’m so hurt why wont he let himself love me this new girl is one of his sisters friends she wealthy me I’m a single mother going to school n maybe not what his sister thinks he should be with bc before me he was with an ex who treated him terribly she was a single mom who took advantage of him lied to him cheated him n everything u can imagine I try to show him how much I love him n I’m different but this new girl he’s moving in with her after 8 months n still contacts me why?? What do I do I’m devastated n don’t want to lose him forever!!? Completely heartbroken n scared to lose the love of my life permanently

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:21 am

      Apply no contact for three months. Don’t answer his calls, texts or anything else. Then get back in touch with him as described in the 5 step plan.

  • Bree April 5, 2014, 8:02 am

    Hi, me and my ex broke up a month ago because I found out he was cheating on me. Our relationship has always been up and down but we have been through so much together. When I found out at work I abused him in front of everyone because the girl he was cheating on me with is from work also. We were fighting a lot in the period because it’s been hard we both had to move back to our parents house and I had some family issues. We would of been together for 3 years this month. Do you think this is just a rebound, they have nothing in common and she is known to be a flirt with everyone at work and slept around on her ex boyfriend too. My ex won’t talk to me. But he hates showing his feelings. The day before I found out he was seeing this other girl he said he would always love me but it’s easier to not talk. Is he just trying to get with this girl to try and get over me and hurt my feelings. If I act happy and he sees I’m happy will he miss me? I need some help because I want to know if this is the real deal or just a rebound.

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 10:11 am

      It’s most probably a rebound. Read the 5 step plan if you haven’t already.

  • maui April 5, 2014, 3:53 pm

    hi! i’ve been in a good relationship for 1yr and 8 mos.but after a month everythings change 360 degrees. just last month, my ex broke up with me. he said he just need space to resolve some family prob and if everything will go right he will come back..after the break up,i confess that i become needy and clingy bcoz i want to patch things up. i plead, i beg him but he just said he need some space. but after some days i learned that he was already with someone which i think he’s already flirting with this girl before the break up. the girl happens to be his colleage. i don’t know if it is considered as a rebound.some how we still have communication after the break up bcoz for now we agreed to be friends but when the new girl intrude i stop contacting my ex. and change my number.im now on NC for 1 week. i still dont know what to do? i still want him to be back … is he on a rebound now?do i still have a chance even he already have a new girl? pls help..

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:17 am

      He is probably on a rebound. Continue no contact and read the 5 step plan. You do have a chance.

  • elvis April 7, 2014, 3:35 am

    I was an ass. Prideful and arrogant. Borderline alcoholic that reminded her of her abusive addict mother. She grew resentful and unhappy. When we broke up, i went through a month of hating her; but after some back and forth she put it through my thick skull that i was really making her unhappy, and that i needed to be a better man. I resolved myself to get back with her, try my hardest to win her back. I smothered her, i bothered her, i made her disgusted of me, text, emails, calls the whole 9 yards. I asked for 3 months to try to change, and then it was my birthday and i screwed up even more by trying to flirt etc.. i even joined her gym. I need to respect her need for space, you are right, i am addicted to her. She’s a great girl, and i love her; even with her faults. I’m a fool if i let my faults chase her away. When we started dating she was absolutely in love with me, now she says those feelings are gone. I wanted to marry her, but no steady job, drink too much, what kind of future could i give her and a potential family. I turned 38 on the 6th, i need to get my shit together. I’m a mess, as all people who go through this are. Do i have a chance?

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:07 pm

      You’ve realized your mistakes and you’re willing to work on yourself to change for the better. You definitely have a chance.

      • elvis April 8, 2014, 1:13 pm

        How much time should i give her? She thinks i’m desperate and insane right now.

        • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:36 am

          At least one month.

  • I cheated April 7, 2014, 7:34 am

    I cheated on my ex because I was confused about having a life with him and wasn’t sure if he’s the one. We fight all the time, and was doing long distance for 3 years. We were already going out for 2 years before that. He’s a nice guy but is always angry with me and shuts me out many times when we fight. I’m also likely a difficult person to deal with. Nevertheless I held on because I love him, but was just confused. He loved me very much too when we were together but he’s the kind of guy who thinks most girls are great as he had difficulties getting a gf for a long time. The guy I cheated with was a friend who became close to me during the long distance and wanted to go out with me but is also OK just to be a friend and help me through some of my difficulties in life. My boyfriend found out, broke up and told me “there is zero chance we can ever be together in this lifetime.” He would still like to remain friends though because he cares for me. It’s been 5 months since he found out. 2 months after he found out, I went to visit him and he said he would take me back, but changed his mind. Ever since then he’s been on dating sites and has found a girl recently and is really into her. He spends all weekends with her and is being progressively lukewarm with me, although he still chats with me online because he’s worried that I’m depressed all the time. He’s a very conscientious guy, who has strong values and tries to do the right thing all the time. I’m going back to see him soon and move my things out of his house. My flight was suppose to be tomorrow but I postponed it for 2 more weeks because of the NC rule. Should I postpone it for 30 days? Do I still have a chance? Is his new relationship a rebound? He said she’s really a good and awesome girl and can’t believe he got so lucky. He really loved me though in the past, I was his first girl. Please help, you’ve been awesome.

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:28 pm


      I think you should keep go after 2 weeks. There is a chance this relationship is a rebound. But there is also a chance that it’s not since it has been 5 months since the breakup. I think you should go after 2 weeks. Get your stuff and then start no contact again. Also, you should start dating as well and accept the fact that you may never get back with him.

  • Ankit April 8, 2014, 8:04 am

    Hi Kevin

    Do you have any email id to contact you? Would really appreciate it.Need some help desperately.

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 12:01 pm

      You can contact me using this contact page. Please note it takes me longer to reply to emails since I get a lot of them.

  • Brad April 8, 2014, 8:49 am

    Hi Kevin

    I was in love with this girl for 6 years,since the 9th grade in school.But I never told her anything about it.She had a boyfriend back in school and they broke up after 9-10 months.We graduated from school and went to college to pursue our respective careers.I kept in touch with her but talked seldom because I wanted to get over her.Somebody had planted in her head that we are incompatible and that is why she used to avoid me when it came to a relationship but couldn’t stop herself from contacting me all the while. All this while I was battling rumour after rumour about her and another guy who had supposedly become her best friend in the last 5 years.Then almost after 4 years into college, I finally proposed her in person.She accepted me 2 days after my proposal.It took me a lot of convincing because she refused to think that we were compatible. But she finally did say “YES!”.

    We were in a relationship for 9 months and it was great.We then had a fight with each other over something,for which I was 90% responsible.I spoke very rudely to her but did not realize that it would go to such an extent that she would start doubting the relationship itself.She said she needed to think if she wanted to continue.But she kept talking to me.Then one day I called her up and asked her if she had gone to meet that guy(her best friend) and if she had why didn’t she tell me.Earlier, she had always told me she is going out with him and I had no problems with it.But this time when I asked her she got offended and then refused to pick up my calls.I bombarded her phone with 30-40 calls and the next day she replied she didn’t want to talk and needed a break.She would call me herself.

    I waited for her to call but she never did.I asked her on text if it was over between us.She said she couldn’t think about it…..she didn’t know but most probably it was over,and that this relationship wasn’t working for her and it was a decision not meant for her.I tried to convince her a lot.But she kept saying one thing only “I don’t know”.Finally she stopped responding to my texts.She’s talking to that guy regularly,most probably sharing all this stuff with him. I told her that we are not breaking up and that she didn’t have to reply just because I had asked her if it was over.I told her to take a month off….go out with that guy…go out with her friends,talk to her family and be happy.and then take this decision.I will accept it gracefully and all the respect that it deserves.

    I am broken form inside.She’s the love of my life and I want her to forgive me and accept me back in her life.It seems highly unlikely though.I am on no contact since a week.Help,please!

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 12:06 pm

      Follow no contact and learn to be happy in your life without her. She is more of an obsession for you than partner. I’ll recommend you go on a few dates as well before no contact is over.

      • Brad April 9, 2014, 7:07 am

        I don’t really have an option of going out on dates.I’m trying to focus on other things but she keeps popping up in my head.I want her back.I think we can work this out.Loosing her means all those 6 years I spent in agony will go waste.Being with her gives me all the happiness in the world.I really want another shot at this relationship with her.Also, she said this decision(to go into a relationship with me) was not the wrong decision but it was a decision not MEANT for her…..I guess this crap came from the guy who’s her best friend.He likes her a lot but she refuses to admit this.Also, the worst part of your girlfriend having a male best friend is that she’ll start comparing the two of us and I’ll always come out worse.

        I’ll strictly follow the no contact rule but I’m afraid she might never get back to me.She wanted the break up via text messaging as she said she doesn’t have the strength to break up with me over the phone or in person.

  • Harry April 8, 2014, 11:15 am

    Hi Kevin. I just have one short question about the no contact rule: My ex contacted me on facebook, when both were online. Should I strictly stick to the no contact rule and just ignore her messages for now, or should I give her a short answer? Someting like “I don’t think we should have any contact right now.” Or does would sutch an action break the tension? I would be the most thankful man on earth for an asnwer from you.

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 12:09 pm

      Ignore her first. IF she continues contacting you, then send her the message.

      • Harry April 9, 2014, 11:29 am

        Well, the thing is that, this is the second time she’s been contacting me, asking if I’m okay. Is it still to early to contact her then? Should I wait until a third time? And when I do answer her, if I read your answer right I get the impression that I just should say “I’m okey, but don’t think we should have any contact right now, see ya” or something. Or am I wrong? What should I answer?

        By the way, I have just stared to receive those daily mails when you guide one through every step of the plan. At the end of the mail you mentioned this Ryan and his Relationship Rewind system(to manage Facebook and all that stuff, you know of course) The thing is, I got really confused as I started reading it, as he claims that you DON’T should stick to the no contact rule. And since you really seem to believe that this system is great, do you still don’t agree with him about this certain point? Or is Ryans point that you can’t think that just not contacting her while siting and doing nothing will make your loved one come back to you

        Please Kevin, what should I do? When, and what, do I answer her, and how do I proceed with the plan to get her back? Should you really not stick to no contact-rule? This made me so unsure about how to proceed with all of this…

        • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:34 pm

          Yes, you should send her that message if she contacts you again.

          Ryan’s system is excellent for getting back in touch with them after no contact. I agree that you need to reach out to your ex after. But I recommend a little bit of no contact since it gives you both a much needed space and time and helps remove all the negative association of the breakup your ex might have. It also gives you time to figure out if you and your ex are really compatible each other and is it worth getting back together. Of course, if you follow Ryan’s system, even without no contact, you do have a good chance. But in my opinion, no contact is necessary to put things in perspective.

  • sharon April 8, 2014, 11:18 am

    Thanks Kevin! I do have other things I am focusing on my job t is amazing.I just wanted to know if i had a chance. No contact will be easy with all the good stuff I have going on. So its not like im sitting around not having fun mostly in good spirits.

    • sharon April 8, 2014, 12:01 pm

      I just wanted to know based o his actions and words if he still loves me. If there is a strong chance this could work.

      • Kevin April 8, 2014, 12:14 pm

        Yes, based on his actions, you do have pretty good chance. But remember, there is always a chance that you will never get back together. So always be prepared for the worst.

    • sharon April 8, 2014, 12:28 pm

      Oh and he is the one saying he wants to stay in contact with me but he still saids he needs more time but saids we can randomly text each other now which is weird cuz of the time thing but maybe he finds it hard to stick to his choice if he sees me now that’s a good sign right?

      • sharon April 8, 2014, 12:33 pm

        Thanks for your advice I’m really trying to stay positive hope it works other things in life make me happy it would just be nice to share them with the man I love . It can always improve : )

      • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:32 am

        Yes, it is.

  • Gray April 8, 2014, 7:52 pm

    hi kevin,

    i’ve been with my ex for 7 years and 7 months. She was 15 back then and I’m 18. Now i’m 25 and she’s 22. We’ve been great together though she feels like i took her for granted all throughout the relationship. I cheated on her a year ago and she found it out mid december 2013 and broke up with me. She then has this new bf 1st week of january. I pursued her and became needy. I was her first bf and the only one she’s sleeping with. She then decided to meet with me again around february and we cheated on her boyfriend, we had sex for about 8 times while they were on. She admitted that her new bf is a rebound guy and that she’ll still choose me after all and that she cant just break up with her new bf since she doesnt want to hurt her and look bad because they work together. We agreed to keep it a secret for the mean time. she’s also allowing me to have a date with other girls. she even greeted me on our monthsary april 2. but i responded badly and said that i cant stay like this anymore and that im not happy with our set-up. i forced her to breakup with the new guy and texted her all day for 3 days. then sunday, april 6th, she said she cant love me anymore and forget everything that she said. we cant go on like this and she realized that what we are doing is wrong. i called her up and we had a quarrel and wants me to stay away from them and her life and forget whatever happened between the two of us while she is still with the new guy. she even called me a loser since i cant move on. SHe wants me to not communicate with her anymore and did not respond to any text that i sent. the last thing i sent is that i am willing to wait for her. She then posted a pic of her and his bf with a pickup line about growing old with him and even changed her prfl picture with their pic together. I know this is directed to me and i know she wants to hurt me. So, i followed the NC rule and on the 2nd day of not texting her. She called, i was not aware that it was her since i deleted her contact info so i picked up since i thought it was my boss. She then asked me this things: where are you? (at home) what are you up to? (none) do you not have load credits to text? (yes) i have something to tell you but i need to go. wait for my message (ok). she never texted. im assuming that she just wants me to pursue her back and she’s afraid of me not thinking about her. what will i do if she calls again or text? can i also post pictures of me with someone else or would that be a no-no?

    BTW, our supposed to be 8th anniversary is on may 2nd. will i greet her? will i prepare something for the two of us?

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 12:03 pm

      If she calls again, tell her you need some space and time and you can’t talk to her right now. Then keep no contact for a month. Don’t try to make her jealous by posting pictures, it’s just going to make you look immature. Don’t wish her on the anniversary. She broke up with you. You are not in a relationship anymore. There are no more anniversaries. Contact her when no contact is over. Read the 5 step plan.

      • Gray April 9, 2014, 3:12 pm

        what if she greets me on our anniversary? should i reply? or if she breaks up with the other guy before NC ends and says she wants me back?

        • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:07 am

          If she greets you, send her a simple thank you. If she wants to get back, play it cool and make sure she really means it before getting back together.

  • RICHARD April 9, 2014, 6:41 am


    Your the best dude.I went with a lady for 7 weeks.We saw each other 2-3 times a week.Then I felt she wasn’t being honest of where she went.Then 4 weeks into she tells me she needs her space.That she doesn’t see her sister or best girlfriend enough.Then it seems most fridays especially were off limits to see me at night after her work.It was also many Saturdays too.She saw supposely after writing the needs space letter.She saw her sister 3 Friday nights in a row.Thee night she’s going to leave her place to drive to a bar by herself.She does like to drink a lot on fridays it seems.I went & she was not at that bar.She was texting me at closing how she was about to leave soon.I was there with the other 13 people,she wasn’t there.She later told me she had left & come back.But how does she get ready to leave from a location yourshes simply not at?Then I confronted her next day.She wrote a letter saying it was over,that she did that saying went to that certain bar to test if i’d trust her or not.Then she said she could never be content with us ever because she’d be looking over her shoulder all the time.So she said we could never go long haul.Then I said let’s be friend’s with sex.She turned around 180 and liked that idea.She said I can’t have any expectations.I said I had only 1 that was conditional on us being together.That she “did not” & me also of course sleep with anyone else period because we were having unprotected sex.She agreed & she claimed she wasn’t ever with anyone while with me.She said I was all she needed & how the sex was amazing.Then after 7 weeks another Friday comes around.She says will see me that Sunday for a picnic together.She text me from her work at 5pm just before leaving work.She says how she’s having dinner with her sister at 7pm that Friday night.She ends her text in”my love,kisses,xoxoxo.So at 9pm I texted her asking how dinner was with sister.She ignores me.Then at 11pm again to mention how the weather was suppose to be nice come Sunday for are picnic.She ignores all my text like she had before on Friday evenings.So she had also told me before leaving work how on that Saturday the following day she was spending time with her best gilfriend laying in the sun at friends house.Well,I texted again Saturday something like good morning,she still ignoring me included all of Friday night text also.So I text again around noon that Saturday,still ignoring me.Then I call & get voicemail.Then I ask if she’s OK & how I’m worried she could been in car accident since i’d last heard from her leaving work that Friday at 5pm.She still ignores me.I’m figuring she’s with another guy.So at like 4pm that Saturday.I texted her how I’m moving on & ending things.Then 2 hrs later she finally after 1 1/2 days ignoring me now that Saturday.She says:I ran into a guy I use to see last year.He realized he had feeling for me & I also realized I have feeling for him,I’m so sorry she said.Well,I’m wondering naturally when did she run into this old boyfriend or guy she use to date last year.Was it the night before Friday when said was eating dinner with sister?Was it that Saturday morning?Or was it she’s been seeing him off & on the entire 7 weeks on those other fridays & other days that she couldn’t see me because she needed space?So,I texted her & asked.She comes back defensive & says I just told you & I’ve never lied & only had sex with you.Well,again I just ran into a guy is vague as to when she ran into him.Then she said don’t contact me or I’ll change my number need be.So I texted her back saying I’m a good guy & won’t be any trouble,I’ll miss you.That’s it & I have never contacted her since in 18 days now.Well after 11 days she text me saying she hates herself having been cruel & cold to me being how I’m such a wonderful man.How she may never be with a man so great.She wishes me great happiness.Then at 16 days no contact from me.She sees I reactivated my dating online profile at same place I met her.She first puts her profile on without a picture.But,I can see she clicked to view my profile.I can tell its her even without a picture because all her stats show its her.Then the following day she adds a picture and also again clicks to view my profile.Then last night she emails me how she has such feelings inside her for me.She mentions a memory of something we did together.She says again never slept with anyone & doesn’t mention what happened to that guy she said ran into back 2 weekend’s ago when she ignored me that Friday night & most of saturday.She ask me not to pay attention to her wish washy behavior & how she doesn’t mean to confuse me. She wants me to be with her again if possible.
    So,I deleted that dating profile because I don’t want play games.She wakes up & sees I didn’t answer her email about wanting to get back together.She also sees I deleted the dating profile.She says what a fool she was how she will erase all my contact info & never reach out again.She says she gets it that I must have moved on because I deleted the dating profile.I haven’t really done anything,she’s guessing.So,I still haven’t contacted her at all for 18 days.In a way its like she wants instant redeming from me.I find it hard to understand if she ran into an old boyfriend or guy she dated last year 18 days ago and ignored me that Friday night into late Saturday noon.Then says she ran into him 2 hrs after I broke up via text. I was upset she was again on a Friday night into Saturday afternoon ignoring my attempts at texting-calling her.She would almost never contact me on those mystery Friday nights to say hello or even good night.I’m suppose to believe she ran into some guy and what they shook hands & said we have feeling that we didn’t know we had?That don’t sound right.Maybe sleeping with a guy would invoke some old feelings to resurface?
    Or I thought maybe she was hurt that i’d just broke up that Saturday via text.Maybe she just said how she’d ran into a guy to upset me because she felt hurt I was breaking up & moving on?Maybe she was drinking at bar Friday night & rathered I not think she has a drinking issue?
    So,I’m confused to say the least.I did feel I wanted her.I’m starting to think because so many say to move on,that I perhaps should.I don’t want break the 18 days of no contact. Unless I should to say something in regards to her wanting me back last night.Please appreciate any suggestions & thank you so much.

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:26 pm

      I’ll suggest you continue no contact for one more month starting now. She is just creating confusion and insecurities in your life. Her behavior isn’t that of someone in a stable committed relationship. Perhaps, she doesn’t want a committed relationship. If after no contact, you still want her, then get back in touch. But don’t get back together unless she is ready to commit to you and the making the relationship work.

  • Erin April 9, 2014, 4:37 pm

    I have an interesting question. I’m 17 days into no contact and I’m in a bit of a weird situation. I am in the end of an international graduate program where there are lots of goodbyes. There is one tomorrow night and my ex is invited as am I. I want to go to the party. I don’t want to miss out on saying goodbye to friends just to avoid any instance of seeing him. How should I handle this? I had one of these goodbye dinners in the early part of the no-contact period and I just kind of ignored him to his face (not the nicest thing, but what I needed at the time).

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:09 am

      Just treat him like an acquaintance. Be cordial but don’t talk to him for more than 5 minutes. And have fun.

  • Ken April 10, 2014, 7:23 am

    Hey kev,

    im in a bad place right now, my ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, and after we broke up there was texting days after both from me and from her, i mean i guess i was kinda acting needy because i missed her and i wanted her back, and some of the messages she sent me we like “this sucks lets talk” and “im lonely” and ultimately i guess i took them the wrong way so we keep texting she was constantly going hot and cold and i even went to the gym with her a week after, anyway im at the stage right now where we have been in no contact for nearly a week and to be honest i feel lost and confused like im not over obsessing over her but she is still in my mind and thats whats get me down, ultimately im just looking for a bit of advice really on what i should do??

    thank, Ken

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 10:07 am

      Continue no contact for another 4 weeks at least. You will eventually stop obsessing over her and start thinking clearly. Don’t get back in touch unless you realise you don’t need her in your life anymore to be happy.

    • Jack April 11, 2014, 12:52 pm

      Hello Kevin,
      Unfortunately me and my girlfriend broke up one week ago, after being with each other for 7 months and it’s been very difficult she met me at lunch last week and mentioned that she can’t deal with bickering, moaning and having silly little arguments with each other and that she doesn’t think that the relationship will work but it was only for one month that we were having all these arguments with each other and they were only over very silly and small things. I was telling her that it natural to have arguments and things in any relationship and I asked if we could move forward happily and forget about the bad month but she didn’t seem sure on that but she wanted to break so it ended but it was a mutual ending. I was saying can we give it a second change to start new and fresh but she didn’t seem to want to? We were so happy together and seeing each other every week and we loved each other so much so it seemed to be a sudden break. After we broke I haven’t contacted her in any way, shape or form and neither has she tried to contact me for the 9 days that we’ve not been together. We are both 17 years old but very mature. Could you give me some tips on what I should say to her? How can I get her back? When should I break the no contact rule and talk to her? Should I wait for her to message me first? Things I could say to her to make her want to get into a relationship again? And any other advice that you could give me to get back into a relationship with her??

      • Kevin April 14, 2014, 6:46 am

        Hey Jack,

        All your questions are answered in the 5 step plan.

  • DG April 10, 2014, 12:56 pm


    My gf broke up with me after 3 years of relationship. I was her teacher in college and we fell in love. She was a meek and weak person to begin with but I boosted her moral and confidence and helped her get a very respectable job in IT and she thrived there. She saw me as a very strong person and in all past 3 years she always wanted commitment for marriage which I was not ready for. We parted many times but for a while and got back together. We had good and bad days but we always seems to resolve the differences.

    Lately she became very needy and had so much expectation from me which I was unable to fulfill. So I have started ingoing her (I took her for granted) .Two weeks ago she said she didn’t want to see me anymore and she said we should move on in our own ways. She said we could be friends but not more than that which broke my heart. I am very happy go lucky person but during BU she told me I made her career but I messed up her life. She said going forward she wanted to stay happy too. I cried and bargained (5 stages of grief) for her to come back but she walked away with a cruel smile on her face.

    Next day I showed up on her house very early in the morning. she didn’t open the door so I begged and she let me in. I cried and tried to convince her but she was a totally different person, rude and ruthless and strong and indifferent. She said I lost her long time ago but some how she hung on. She said I was a very selfish man and she found a person and she would like to have a child with him which made me further cry but made no sense to me. she also said don’t do this to any other woman. which again made no sense to me. She asked me to leave but I wanted to get a final good bye hug (became so needy and desperate and miserable). She resisted and started crying and begged me to leave her alone. She said I am stranger for her now. She also said I put her in the hell. Neither I don’t let her live nor I let her go. Then she literally kicked me out from her house. I never got the closure.

    I went on google and read about how dumpee 🙂 (I loved this new name for me) and dumper feels after BU. Since I wanted to ger her back so badly I acted like a doormat and called her 3 days down the road and agreed to help enhancing her career further and promised to stay as friend. She trusted me and I offered her to go to a musical concert. she accepted. Once in the concert I again became so needy and emotional and begged for a hug on which she left in the middle leaving me there crying.

    Fortunately I landed to your site and started NC 4 days ago. I deleted her number, all of her emails and photos. She called me today and I picked up the phone without even looking at the number. She asked me to work with her as a teacher again to help her progress in her carrier. I said I needed some time and space on which she hung up on me. She called again and I didn’t pick it up.

    She had past history of suicidal tendency (before meeting me) and depression which never bothered me until now. I love her from my heart and didn’t want to lose her. What should I do, please help ?

    • DG April 10, 2014, 1:02 pm

      Kevin I am 41 and my ex gf is 40

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 8:40 am

      You did well. Continue no contact and follow the plan.

  • Richard April 11, 2014, 12:26 am

    Hi again Kevin,

    I messaged here 2 days ago.I mentioned lady I dated for 7 weeks whom I really felt I liked.I mentioned how after 4eeks she mentioned wanting her space.Then how many Friday nights & Saturdays weren’t available to see me.She claimed 3 Friday nights after work she was with sister.I felt its was another guy and/or she was at bars all night drinking it up until drunk,then drive home at 2am when they all clI don’t drink period or smoke cigarettes.Then after 7 weeks back 20 days ago.She ignores my attempts to contact her via text & phone.That Friday night at 5pm before leaving work she told me shwas having dinner at 7pm with sister which made 3 fridays that said was with sister on those Friday nights in a row.Then how she had plans also that next day Saturday also at girlfriends laying in the sun.Then she ignored me that Friday when I tryed to contact her all night,then most of the following day Saturday also.Then at 4pm that Saturday I texted her & said I’m moving on & goodbye.Then 2 hours later she text mow she had run into a guy that she use to see last year.How he realized he had feeling for her,how she also realized she had feeling for him,then said I’m so sorry.I have never contacted her period since in the past 20 days.Well,after 11 days no contact she texted me how she hated herself for being cold & cruel to me.How I was wonderful man & how she would likely never be with a man as great as me again.
    You said unless she is willing to commint to me.To just go 30 more days more no contact.It’s been 20 days now and I’ve not contacted her period.
    Then last night after 19 days she started texting me like cy saying she wants me back,she made mistakes but wants me for sure..
    Then she text & phone calls me all day today & tonight.She says at one point she took today off of work to get drunk to try & forget.She says at onemore via text.Then an hour later starts again texting & calling me likely drun
    Then I went out by myself to eat tonight.I’m coming back to my apt.She then text me that she’s at my place and wondering where I’m at.I still ignored all of her text & calls.
    Then I go to Walmart hoping she drives the 50 minutes back to her place and leaves my place.Well,I go homen just as I pull into my apt complex she drives in behind me.I drive to the back & then she sees me.I drive back out onto the main hwy and take off into another neighborhood and lose her.She then text that since we have feelings I should come back and confront her.She insures me she will be civil.I don’t answer still thinkig I’m on the no contact program.But,I’m concerned she’s about to get a DUI,she had one 6 years ago I saw online,she don’tesn’t know I know this.I’m really feeling bad inside hoping she doesn’t drive & get hurt,she doesn’t get someone else hurt,she doesn’t get a DUI either.I’m then thinking if I see a cop pull her over how I’ll stop & try to talk him out of giving her a DUI.Then I get 3 calls from her in a row.Then 5 more text.She says she drove all that way to see if I was OK and to talk to me & make things right.Then she says I’m being childish and to come see her I guess she meant she’s still at my place.Then she calls me a coward.Then she says I must have nevr er cared because I won’t confront her.I never did anything wrong.I’m thinking to myself why doesn’t she call that guy she spend March 21st weekend with that they suddenly realized they had feeling for each other and she told me she was so sorry,like as in I’m with him now 20 days ago??
    Then I go home an hour later & she’s parked in my parking space,so I leave my apt complex again.The whole time I’m thinking how I don’t recall the “no contact” rule covering what in this case I’m suppose to do in this situation.I’m still not contacting her.I didn’t to tell her want sayto go home and then she gets in a crash from drinking all day.I didn’t want confront her either because I knew she would be all over me wanting to be at my place to have sex.All this forcing herself on me was upsetting me.It isn’t attractive at all to me,its a big turn off.Then I come back about an hour ago at 11pm and she’s gone and so far she has stopped texting & calling.She had an hour to go home unless she’s closing a bar down in my town?So,now I drove thru town out the same route she would take n worried i’d see her crashed or pulled over somewhere.I’m at Walmart now and no sign of her.Maybe she’s half way home to her place?Now I feel if she gets a DUI or crashes maybe I should have secured her person at my place to sleep it off.I wish she’d fell a sleep in parking lot of my place.But,now she’s disppeared into the night.I feel sick literally.I’m concerned about her now where she went,she stopped texting-calling a while ago.I tryed to contacted her daughter & sister,neither of them returned my calls or voicemails asking then to contact me.I thought one of them could talk some sense into her.I’m on long term disability.I found out I might have cancer in my arm.I have neck back issues,sleep apnea,headaches,inflammed prostate.She is really stressing me out big time.I almost feel like going to the hospital before something happens to me.I cry at times & I’m about to now.I feel so helpless Kevin.Please I didn’t know what to do that was right tonight.I didn’t read anything in no contact anywhere about if I should break no contact even with all this.I’d thought i’d finally tonight text her how I needed my space & time & tell her to go home.But,I never did that because I didn’t want to promote her driving drunk either.I didn’t want argue with her at my place and have her force or desire sex when all this makes me not want sex from her her being drunk and acting way she has been.So,I’m parked at Walmart feeling helpless & hopeless at this point.Maybe she went to a store and is back at my place.Or she headed to her place,maybe she’s suppose to work in the morning.I just don’t know Kevin.My sisters tellings me earlier it was my place to go confront her and if so drive her home.I doubt she would have went for that.She would have been hanging all over me.If she gets a DUI now or crashes I will feel much worse then I already do.Help me here with some suggestions.Thanks so much

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 10:10 am

      Well, in that much extreme cases, you should’ve just confronted her and told her to leave. But like you said, she would’ve forced herself upon you, which would’ve been a turn off. I guess what you did was sensible. And maybe if I was in your situation, I would’ve done the same. Hopefully, she is safe.

      I don’t think she will do something like this again. If she does, you should confront her at the place. Be firm and if it doesn’t work, you should leave the house or in worst case scenario, call the cops.

  • Ann April 11, 2014, 5:01 am

    Hi Kevin, I have been with my partner for 10 years and moved in with him for 4 years. We had many arguments due to the fact that I wanted us to move to be closer to my family and friends. At the end of January he told me that he needed space and that we should take a break, that he was feeling very low and probably going through a mid-life crisis. I respected that and went away on holiday/to friends/etc. I then had to return to the house in March to collect some things. There I found an email to another woman from his workplace dated the day I left in January. In it he stated that he was desperate to see her and loved her etc. I confronted him and a massive row ensued. I said that I was leaving and he begged me to stay, that nothing ever happened with that woman (Yeah right!); that he would not contact her again, he would make more of an effort, that he looked forward to us spending the next 10 years together, etc. I finally accepted, but based on my terms to which he agreed. I then found out that he has not stopped contact with her at all so I sent him a “Dear John” email informing him that I would be picking up my stuff next week. I fully intend to go through with the move + the NC rule. Do you think there is a chance he will see sense and come back to me? Thanks!

    • Kevin April 13, 2014, 8:39 am

      He will most probably try to convince you again and beg for your forgiveness. But you should decide if you can trust him again and is it worth wasting more time on him? That’s why Nc is important for you. You will have to weigh the pros and cons of trying to make this relationship work vs moving on.

      • Ann April 14, 2014, 1:37 pm

        Thanks Kevin, I am definitely going to see NC through and figure out how I feel at the end of it. :o)

        • Ann April 20, 2014, 7:35 am

          Hi Kevin, I am on day 6 of NC. I moved all of my stuff out of the house on Friday and sent an admin email to him this morning saying I had cancelled his card on my account, closed the joint account etc. I then saw the email he had sent me 30mns beforehand: “where are you? Who helped move your stuff? When will you get the rest (I forgot a few things)? Why have you deleted me on Skype?” He also sent me his work schedule for next month… Do you think he is cracking? Thanks!

          • Kevin April 22, 2014, 2:30 pm

            Perhaps he is cracking. But you shouldn’t be concentrating on that right now.

  • Will G April 11, 2014, 8:39 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I was in an incredible relationship for the past 2 and a half years. He was my first boyfriend and lover and while we had days where we would just be pissed off at each other, these were vastly outnumbered by days where everything felt, and was right. We got engaged last Christmas because we both wanted to commit (which thinking now was a very big step considering we are 19 and 20 at different universities). He told a few weeks back he kissed someone in February but that was all it was and he didn’t tell me because he didn’t think it was that big a thing, but regrets it now and feels ashamed. I visited him last week because due to work and other commitments we had not seen each other in over a month and a half. We had many discussions and things were not always easy, but each time we went to bed it felt like part of what we were unhappy with had been addressed and we always woke up feeling much better.

    One night we were both drunk and got into a big fight in front of a couple of his friends, as he had promised me he had stopped smoking but took one from his friends. We both said and did things that hurt each other. The next day (having slept in different rooms) we spoke and vented the anger and upset we were feeling. By the end we were both saying that we didn’t want to break up but knew we had to – the fight had shown us that neither of us were in a stable place.

    When I got on the train I rung to tell him I had gotten there safe but that I didn’t want to go and he told me he wishes I were able to get off that train and wait for him but it’s not what he needs. We have had a couple of phone calls since then in which we have spoken about how we are feeling with a bit of space and what our friends and family say and the general vibe is that we aren’t promising anything but we are very hopeful and feel that there is something very special there still. He told me that he still loves me more than he thought possible and as soon as I am in a place where I need him (i.e. danger/illness) to not be scared to ring and he will be there straight away. The last phone call he told me that he really loves me but to pretend I didn’t hear that. He says he wants time to get himself together and that I need time to become more stable – I agree with what he is saying.

    We have one more term of uni left this year, the exam season. I am planning to use this as a time to do the no contact rule as we both need to focus on other things. We also both have a few weeks after exams to partay(!). I am going to try and just live my life and do what I want, but I was wondering what I should do after this term. We live 10 minutes away from each other at home. If I feel strong feelings of wanting to see him (as opposed to feeling I need to) I was going to text him and ask when he’s back from uni and offer to meet up for a coffee. I finish in two months time so this would be more than the minimum the no contact rule suggests?

    Finally, for his Birthday I booked him and me Lady Gaga tickets for an October concert. When we parted I said he could have both of them so he could take someone he really wants to go with and he said “I really want to go with you Will. It’s something special that we do together”. I also said he could keep the engagement ring and he wears it on his middle finger now. I can’t help but feel that he is saying he wants to be with me in the future, but is trying to allow me time to move on so that I can move back.

    Is this really what’s happening or have I mis-read the signs? Do I have a chance with him? And does it matter that it’s a gay relationship or is it a very similar case to straight ones? Thank you for your very helpful guide and advice 🙂

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 6:36 am

      Hey Will,

      The steps remain the same even in a gay relationship. I think you do have a chance with him and you should do exactly as you plan to do.

      PS: If you ever want someone to stop smoking, never get angry at them when they relapse. It’ll just make them smoke in hidden and possibly even more than they did before (guilty pleasure).

  • Chrissie April 11, 2014, 11:56 pm

    15 years with the same person 2 weeks no contact and I broke the rule and feel so bad now he just wished me well, I wanted more, will it ever me any more :'(

  • chrissie April 11, 2014, 11:59 pm

    sorry I should say more, he ended up getting addicted to over the counter drugs and found another partner who is also addicted. I feel that while that other partner is around I have little chance although he is in drug therapy

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 9:58 am

      I think you do have a chance once he realizes he is throwing his life away. The other girl is probably a rebound. Follow no contact for another month and get back in touch with him.

  • Jay April 12, 2014, 4:04 am


    So my x says she wants space, I texted, emailed and called for 3-4 days after she said that and clearly things didnt work out. I did the no contact for 2 days and she kept calling me which felt great! The issue I’m facing now is, After she contacted me last night for no reason, I went crazy today and emailed, texted her all day to the point where I brought up old feelings, she didnt like it and it didnt go down too well…I can I still apply the no contact from now on and how her think of me? Or is it too late, do I look too obsessive?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:13 am

      It’s not too late. Start no contact again.

  • chez April 12, 2014, 9:43 am

    Hi Kevin, I am so glad I found this site. Thanks! I just wanted to know what you think my chances are at getting my ex back. I was the one who messed it up. We have only been together for a few weeks but he was very special and we told each other we loved each other and we were making plans for the future. He was very busy with work and didn’t contact me for a couple of days which I wasn’t used to from him so I got defensive and insecure and ended it over Facebook. Lame I know and not one of my proudest moments. He just said he was sorry I felt that way. I apologised immediately and sent him several messages apologising for my behavior. I really have no idea why I got so insecure. He hasn’t replied and I have now applied no contact but I am just really worried I have lost the best thing that ever happened to me in a moment of madness. Not sure if this can be resolved. I was wondering what you thought. I am so heartbroken and miss him so much.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:23 am

      You do have a pretty good chance if you follow the 5 step plan.

  • Jay April 13, 2014, 5:31 pm

    Hi, my name is Jay. I am recently separated from my fiance who I have been with for over 5 years. We have two kids together and we were both virgins when we met and out of the blue, she has decided to leave me. Obviously, like many others have experienced in this type of situation, the pain is unbearable.
    Today is day seven of our breakup. I did begin by begging her not to leave. (I didn’t realise then that this would NOT work.) This begging was done during the first three days, then I discovered your site and found it to have quite an amazing concept.
    Thankyou for this site, oddly I began the no contact rule, but got buzzed with two beers and on day six (three days in NC) I contacted her and had changed my wordrobe, seemed very happy, and had worked out a lot. I kept telling her that it would be cool if we just had sex and if it didn’t mean anything that would be fine. I told her other things and kept things spontanious as well and at the end of the night I seduced her into sleeping with me. It was intense, and things were on fire!!! At the end of it, I told her that I’m on board with the breakup and I wished her the best of luck.
    Today is day seven. Obviously I broke NC, lol. I am going to make a plan and start it now though. I think 30 days in my type of relationship is probably way too short from what I’ve been hearing and am going to have my plan be between 45-60 days.
    My questions are…
    1. Is 30 days good enough? Or is it better to make it longer?
    2. Does the fact that we slept together post-breakup mean anything?
    3. How do I deal with situations where NC can not be followed. (i.e. the kids)?
    Thankyou for any advice.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:29 pm

      1. If you think you need 45-60 days, then go for it. Take as much time as you think you need.
      2. In your case, not much since you didn’t really show any neediness.
      3. I talk about no contact with kids in the above article.

  • sharon April 13, 2014, 6:32 pm

    Hi kevin i just wanted to update ya . We decide to give it one more shot but want to take it slow do you have anyadvice on how to keep a relationship positive and keep open communication?or how can i use the relationship rewind to help our relationship blossom?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:34 pm

      There is a lot of stuff about that in relationship rewind. As for communications, I highly recommend the books “Non violent communications” by Marshall Rosenberg and “Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love” by Sue Johnson.

  • Swenly Miko April 14, 2014, 9:48 pm

    Hi ! Good morning kevin when i saw this website i really like what you’ve said here it really is helping , and now i wanted to ask a help for you and i appreciate it when you answer it for me 🙂 my bf broke up with me but before he broke up with me i really know what’s the problem it’s because he has a big big problem about paying out 10,000 he was on the fraternity 2 year’s ago he just tell me that story and i listen and trusted him but i know he’s not active anymore on that fraternity because he changed his way’s ,at first he really really love me but after the court call’s him and sending some letter it started to be cold ,and i act so desperate and clingy needy gf and i realize that is my mistake because i didnt give him some space but now i understand that .. back to the court because the one that they ambush got beaten up badly and it’s parent’s where taking a demand on him on the court and has to pay 10,000 so he was now really confused and having a hard time what to do he also sell his samsung phone which is his legendary phone hehe i really pity him but i really do my best to support him because i really love my boyfriend .. i know that is the reason why he broke up with me he just text me that morning and said he want’s to this not to hurt me or cheat on me but he think it’s for the best and i respect his decision because i know his mind is cloudy now and i know he will solve it on his own .. and until now i didnt contact him it’s a great way right ? giving him time to settle his own is the best thing and making myself improve 🙂 we just broke up april 11,2014 and we are only 1 month .. he also unfriended me on facebook but i’m glad he didnt block me and i’m happy to because i peek on his status and our picture’s are still there and his recent facebook status is “You will be there on the right time ” do you think he still thinking of me ?

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:07 am

      You did the right thing. Continue no contact. You are definitely on his mind.

  • Ally April 14, 2014, 10:37 pm

    I ended it with a guy a couple months ago because I wanted to have a relationship with him but it seemed like he wasn’t ready for one or didn’t want one with me. We had been seeing each other for seven months off and on. He said that he had feelings for me and wanted to be with me on some level, but he also still had feelings for his ex, who was very emotionally abusive to him. He had only ever been in bad relationships which is why he was weary about being in another one. Looking back, I realized that I pushed him to be in a relationship with me when I think he really just needed the time to be comfortable being in a relationship, and take things slowly.

    After we broke up, I wanted to remain friends with him, and still see him. It was kind of weird because after I ended it with him, he asked me to have dinner with him, which he had never done the entire time we had been seeing each other. I ended up not being able to go with him that night. Maybe I should have gone with him. But we hung out a couple weeks later. I think he wanted me to go home with him. But I stood by what I had said when I ended it with him and didn’t go home with him. I let a month go by without contacting him and then I asked him if he wanted to hang out, as just friends. He kinda blew me off, and I proceeded to chase him a little bit, which resulted in him not responding to any of my messages. It’s been five weeks and I haven’t contacted him, and he hasn’t tried to contact me either.

    I want to be able to create a false friendship with him, and become closer with him as friends first. Especially since he’s still getting over feelings for his ex, and because he has such a bad view of relationships. I guess I’m wondering, am I supposed to wait for him to contact me first, before we can start the false friendship? Or am I supposed to reach out to him at some point? His birthday is coming up in about a month and I was debating whether to text him to wish him a happy birthday but I don’t want him to see it as me chasing him. It’s kind of a weird situation because I was the one that broke up with him, but it was because I wanted to have a real relationship with him, and not be in something that felt like a gray area.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:11 am

      You should contact him after a month. Birthday is actually a pretty good opportunity.

  • Christian McKnight April 15, 2014, 5:21 am

    The suggestion that one’s relationship to a man or woman, no matter how passionate, is analagous to an addiction–and the only way to cure an addiction is to go cold turkey–is
    not true. While it is a fact that about 70% of addicts do succeed for a time in suddenly stopping using the drug they are addicted to, the relapse rate of addicts is very high. Depending on the drug, succes rates of going “cold turkey” vary from 3% (cocaine); 2%
    (nicotine), and <25% for opiates (or 1:4).

    Why is this? Simply put, it is the horrors of withdrawal which can produce a catalogue of extremely distressful symptoms, some of which can be life-threatening. This is why whether one is trying to become free of a dependence on benzos (the most difficult to overcome) or alcohol, going cold turkey is far inferior to "tapering" to end an addiction.

    The physiology of it is well known. Opiates, nicotine, and alcohol alter brain chemistry and time is needed for neurochemicals to return to a pre-addiction level.

    The chances of someone getting over a shattered relationship or trying to save one that is failing is much better if small changes are made by degree. Rather than stop ALL communication–emails, texts, phone calls, face-to-face encounters, one tapers off the person (if that is the only alternative) in the same way one would taper off a benzo like xanax: methodically and with a great deal of patience, understanding there will be some degree of pain but it will not be as severe as that brought about by going cold turkey and which causes the high rate of failure.

    Now, how would you do this?

    First, you must understand that certain obsessive behaviors could be lawfully considered as "stalking" if the behavior causes fear in the person you are trying to get over. Uninvited meetings, gifts, excessive phone calls, a sense of desperation…anything that suggests desperation could fall into that category, and be considered a crime.

    Trust me, it happens.

    If you choose to go cold turkey, then begin with stopping phone calls, visits to the person's house, and contrived meetings. Of course, if they have become engaged or married, ALL contact must stop and going cold turkey is the only option.

    Slowly "taper down" your text messages if that's what you do. There is nothing wrong with texting something like, "Still have a sweater you left in my car. What would you like me to do with it?

    Wait a week and then send another, "Saw Liz. She asked me how you were doing and I said she might call you at work. Her new cell number is 345-6789."

    If the situation does arise, there's nothing wrong with asking a mutual friend how the girl
    or guy is doing, if they got accepted to law school; just don't make it about the relationship.

    Most of all, if you consider what you're going through as some sort of unbearable infirmity remember the words of Ovid,

    "The best way to get over a lost love is to find a new one."

    And above all consider this: When the angels depart; the archangels can arrive."

    You may think the one that got away is the best of all loves for you. Probably not.

    When I was younger, a few years ago I got a royal screwing from the girl who i thought was my "one and only". I felt trapped into some endless night when I discovered her betrayal.

    Fast forward to day. I consider the day she blew me out of her life as one of the best things that ever happened to me because I've met someone who makes me feel like she never could. I would have thought it impossible but it happened. In truth, eventually, I did go cold turkey but it wasn't painful because our time together became fewere and fewer. It was a natural tapering.

    Cold turkey may work for you but, because it can be so unbearably painful, make the chains that bind you to this person even stronger.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:57 am

      Hey Christian,

      Thanks for your comment and your analysis. I agree with a few things you said but I’ll still keep the stand that cold turkey is the best way to handle breakups. Like you said, the reason those drug addiction are hard to overcome with cold turkey is because they alter brain chemistry. With an ex, the addiction is mainly psychological and not so much chemical.

      Also, with nicotine, “tapering” to end the addiction is in my experience worse than going cold turkey. Nicotine has extremely mild withdrawal symptoms, which are just exaggerated in our mind because of the fear of quitting. I know the success rate of cold turkey is 3%. But that’s because the perception of people quitting cigarettes cold turkey is prone to failure. If you look at the “Easy Way Method” by Allen Carr, the success rate is 90%. And their method doesn’t use any tapering. I know what I am saying might be a little controversial, but I personally struggled with smoking for quite a while and tried all the methods until I finally quit using Allen Carr’s method. Of course, I did try cold turkey before with the wrong perception and failed miserably. But that is a topic for another website.

      I guess what you said about slowly decreasing contact might work for some and probably has worked for many. But in my experience, a little contact with an ex can also take you back to square one. I’ve seen a lot of people who made incredible progress in their life and an innocent contact with their ex made them start obsessing again. Of course, it’s not the case with everybody. For some, getting back in touch after a while also gives them closure when they realize they aren’t attracted to their ex anymore.

  • Jane April 15, 2014, 7:44 am

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me June 2013 while he living out of the country for half a year. Right after he broke up with me, he cut all ties completely with me. I tried messaging and tried talking to him but I never got a response. I finally gave up all attempts at communicating with him. Weeks went by and I finally heard something from him. I had bought a plane ticket to surprise him for our anniversary but didn’t let him know this during the time we were together nor while or after he was breaking up with me. He must have found out through friends that I was still deciding to go and visit the country but that I was going to do it on my own and without letting him know. Once he found this out, he decided to have something to do with me again and wanted to share the experience with me and after a couple of weeks of talking to one another, I decided to give in and allow him and I to spend my vacation together, even though we technically still were not together. The 7 weeks I was there, it was amazing and that was the best times we had ever shared with each other in the 2 years that we had been together. We didn’t argue, we didn’t fight, and the problems that had been present before, didn’t seem to have been any issue while I was there. His reasoning behind breaking up with me was because he had felt that he needed to find himself and to try and figure out his future and his own life; to find his own way I guess you could say because he felt like he couldn’t do that while being in a relationship. He wanted his space, he wanted his freedom, and he just wanted to be himself without any obligations or responsibilities that come along in a relationship. Once I left the country, things got shaky afterwards and we started to drift apart. He finally moved back home two weeks after I left but everything was different and everything had changed. He became increasingly distant and withdrawn and even though he wanted to still see and talk to me, he still didn’t want to have a relationship with me. Of course, after all the times that we had just shared with each other, I fought against it. Then I just finally gave up and quick communicating and removed myself out of his life for a few weeks. He tried calling, texting, and making plans with me, but I ignored every attempt. After a few weeks of trying on his part, he ended up showing at my house because he wanted to talk to me. I let him in where he decided to pour out his heart to me and tell me how much he loved me, how much he missed me, and how he wanted to spend more time with me. I was a bit hesitant because of what previously happened but I decided to give it a shot and take things slowly, or at least I thought I would. As the weeks progressed, we started spending more and more time together. He started being loving, affectionate, compassionate, and doing many things for me. We were finally starting to rekindle the romance between each other that had once been there. Things had finally started looking up and I was remaining positive until one day I had found out that him and a girl from his past (ex fling) had had a conversation between each other, which he did tell me about. I respected him telling me the truth but I always had this inclination that there was always more than just a “fling” between them two. I know I should have kept my cool but I couldn’t control the jealousy and insecurities that had decided to show up. I knew that because we technically had not made it official that we were back together, that at any moment in time, he could do whatever he wanted to do and there would be nothing wrong with that. That incident had caused problems between us but we were able to move past that and continue to move forward with each other. A couple of months had gone by and I hadn’t brought up the relationship talk and we started getting along and things seemed to have been going fine, or so I had thought. Once again the romance, the affection, the love, the time spent together had increased. A couple of nights ago, after a great weekend with each other, he sat me down and told me that we needed to talk. He told me that even though he loves me very much and deeply cares about me, that he is no longer “in love” with me anymore and that his feelings have changed for me. He told me that he considers me to be his best friend but that he doesn’t see me as anything more than that anymore. He said he still wants to be friends and still wants to spend time with me and hang out, but that he was tired of having a “psuedo-relationship” because being in a relationship wasn’t something that he still wanted. He still felt like he needed to venture out into the world to find himself and create a prosper future for himself and as long as we were together or acting like we were together, he wouldn’t be able to truly find himself and individuality.
    So this is where I am stuck. I have no idea what to do anymore and I haven’t made contact with him since this incident occurred. He did message me yesterday but I ignored it and didn’t receive anything else from him for the remaining day and night. I still love him very much and I still want us to be together again one day and work things out but of course, it has to be a two way street. What I am left sitting here wondering, is if it is too late for things to be rekindled between him and I or if I should just let him go and move on? And will the ‘No Contact Rule” work in a situation like this? I know it is possible for people’s feelings to come and go and I know it is possible for people to fall back in love with one another but I don’t know the right way in going about mending things. If you could please give me some insight and some help, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 12:05 pm

      It’s worth trying again. I think no contact will work. Also, read the 5 step plan.

  • Juliet April 16, 2014, 7:57 am

    What about the issues that caused the break up in the first place? When is it safe to discuss them? My ex broke up with me because “his feelings for me have changed”. It had been going downhill for a while. He is not trying to keep me out of his life. On the contrary. He wants to be “best friends” as this would mean keeping me around until he recuperates (ours has been a very intense and very close and intimate relationship for almost two years). So seeing him again won’t be a problem. I know that I can be in his life again if I chose to (though I will choose to only if my needs are met as well as his proper girlfriend) but there have been very specific behaviors that really hurt and shook my trust in him. There was no infidelity or abuse involved just at the end there was no balance between us he demanded everything and gave nothing in return plus he made me feel very insecure by blowing hot and cold all the time but I was an idiot and I endured it until he told me he didn’t love me any more. For example he broke up with me on a week when I was going through very serious medical tests (which thankfully came clear) and my father was in the hospital and that made me furious. When is a good time to let him know? Some of it he is of course aware of but some of it has probably not even occured to him. Should I just play it by ear and wait for him to bring the subject up? Right now I am working on releasing the negativity I was feeling about him for the past four months that led to the break up. It started going bad when his mom got diagnosed with cancer. I was trying to be the most supporting loving girlfriend ever as he sunk into depression but ended up a doormat. He wanted me to constantly give (support, practical help) but he gave nothing in return. In the end he wanted to continue being as close (possibly even having sex) but he downgraded me to ” best friend”. As a general rule I am never overly giving in relationships but watching him slip into depression like that made me eager to make it better for him. For most of the two years we had been seeing each other our relationship was mutually supportive and very happy and he was genuinely a good boyfriend. I have been NC for almost 3 weeks, successfully ignored his efforts to communicate with me. I even debated with myself whether I want him back or not. Unfortunately I do still love him. So the question is how do we approach past transgressions on their side without fighting and when is a good time to do it? Do you think this situation is hopeless? Thanks in advance.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 9:41 am

      A good time to do it is when he is open to the idea of getting back together or when he proposes reconciliation. You should be clear about your demands and expectations and you should not get back together unless you are sure things will be different this time.

  • Tim April 16, 2014, 9:33 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Great series of articles that you put together. I have a bit of a sticky situation that goes beyond the scope of the article and was hoping that you may be able to give me some advice. I (23) started dating my ex (25) last November, which was two months after she broke off a four year engagement. Before dating her, I made sure that she felt comfortable seeing someone new and did not have any major residual feelings from her past relationship. We clicked instantly and spent quite a bit of our time together for the next following months. In early January, she began to act distant and ultimately ended up saying that the ex fiance was talking to her again, and she was going through some life problems that she thinks she should see through on her own. We broke up rather ungracefully and tried to talk through things the next day, but never made any real progress. We texted each other a handful of times the next week, but never met. About a week after the breakup, we met and decided to talk through things. During this conversation, she stated that something didn’t feel quite right about us, and we never clicked at the same level as her and the ex-fiance did. We tried being friends, but soon fell into the same patterns as before and were doing everything that we were doing before save the relationship itself. During this time, she found out some unsettling news about the ex-fiance and decided to close that door in her life. We agreed to take things day-by day from there on and see where things went with no promises of getting back together or not. During this time, she became increasingly agitated at miniscule things, and often seemed uneasy when we were together. Eventually, she said that she just wanted a friendship out of us, but felt as though I could not give that. I tried my best to reason through this, but was ultimately shut out. I received a text the next day from her saying she felt bad how our conversation went, and hoped that we could be friends after some time has elapsed by (No Contact?). This was close to three months ago, and I still have yet to hear from her. A mutual friend told me recently that my ex was asking about me, and whether it was safe to talk to me or not. Since I have heard this, I feel as though it may only be a matter of time before she contacts me again, if she decides to. Although I read our relationship as a potential rebound on her part, I feel as though it’s merits heavily outweighed it’s defects. Since we have stopped talking, I have picked up several new hobbies and have learned how to keep myself happy. I would like to follow through with the five step plan, but don’t know if the situation is different here considering that this may be a rebound? Is there a still some hope to fix things, or would I just be opening a can of worms by talking to her again?

    Any advice would be appreciated.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 1:18 pm

      I think there’s hope considering she has closed the doors on her ex for good this time. If she contacts you, you should respond. But take things slowly and don’t pressure her into getting back together.

  • Debbie April 17, 2014, 10:29 am

    Hi, I really need some advice. There is so much to tell so I will start from the beginning. My ex and I started dating in July of 2012 and moved in together in October of 2012. We lived in the house that I rent with my two kids and his two kids that he currently has. (his other two live with mom). Things were going so well for all of us…..his two smaller children came to visit for the whole summer of 2013 and once they left to go back to mom things started going down hill with our relationship. He started to become depressed which I knew why (it was because of his babies leaving and him not sure of when he would see them again) I completely understood and tried to help him in any way possible even tried leaving him alone so he could have his space. As the days went on I could see he was miserable nothing was the same, his two kids (the ones living with us) were miserable and my ex started becoming very secretive and sneaky with things. He let everything go around the house, didn’t care about anything and it felt like we became roommates instead of a couple. and we were constantly fighting about stupid things. In November of 2013 he came to me and said him and the boys are going to move out when he gets his income taxes, at first I was angry and got all upset and said mean things like I knew you were planning something and you just used me (I paid out so much money for him and his kids). He said that was not it and that he needed to finish things that he started after his wife left him and that his boys weren’t happy and so forth. After days of arguing and me thinking about it, I apologized and told him that I understood and would stand by him for whatever he needs. the next couple of months our relationship was still distant and just seemed to get worse. He filed his taxes, got the deposit date and then started looking for places to live. Now his boys wanted to go back to the town they lived in before we met and he told me that he was not going to do that and that he was going to look somewhere near me because he still wanted to be with me. Well, one day all of a sudden I got a text and it so happens to be that a guy he works with has a place to rent in his price range and it is in the town the boys want to live in and that he was gonna take it. That started a huge argument between us because his boys control his life they don’t care what happens to their dad as long as they are happy, it is all about them and he knows it but wont admit it. Anyway he told me he was moving in on March 1st. I said ok and we started going shopping with him for things for the new place. Well on February 8 and 9th two days before his direct deposit of taxes, it seemed like he was being a real jerk to me and cold that both days. We got into a huge argument and he told me that the real reason why he is leaving is because his kids F******* hate me…….OMG!!!! I was devastated, I did so much for all of them, bought them everything, took them every where……my heart broke in two. Needless to say that started a huge argument and his oldest kid got involved and said “just look at what you are doing to my dad he is miserable” Again my heart broke in two. I never did anything to hurt our relationship or his kids I was like a mom to them and a wife to him…..gave them everything. Needless to say I told him I want him out and he said already don they are leaving tomorrow. So you see why I think this was all planned? He waited till he had the money in his pocket to start a huge fight with me and have me break up with him, because when I did their was no fight from him he just said ok. he moved out on February 10th. he got a new phone on the 11th and did text me with his new number and said that he wants to be friends and that he did not fight with me when I broke up with him because he felt that it was a blessing not because he didn’t want to be with me but because he felt that any relationship right now would stop him from doing what he needs to do to get his life back on track. he completely blocked me from facebook and on February 13th I found out why…….he friended his mistress that broke up his marriage and she was also the girl he left when he met me. I was livid and went off on him about it……..we didn’t talk for weeks then I gave in and said sorry and told him that I would rather have him as a friend then nothing at all. Well as of today we are friends, but friends with benefits you could say because we have slept together many times in the last month, but he still talks to her goes places with her but says they are just friends and he is not sleeping with her. He doesn’t want a relationship with anyone at this time. I still love him and get so mad and jealous when I know they are together but I am ok when he is with me. During sex he even told me “you know I still love you right”. The last time I slept with him was on April 12, gave him gas money and money for his sons prom ticket on April 15th and haven’t heard from him since, but I know for a 100% fact that he is talking, texting and with her. What do I do????? I am going insane and so depressed. I feel he is using me, but I know he still loves me. Please Help!!!

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 9:22 am

      I am 100% sure he is using you and the only reason he loves you because he needs you. You need to cut him off from your life for at least two months. Give him time to get his life back on track and you should also use this time to learn to be happy without him in your life. If after that, you still want him, get back in touch with him.

  • Mahesh April 17, 2014, 3:32 pm

    Hi Kevin,Firstly I would like to appreciate your efforts for we guys,My name is Mahesh,I am 23 years of age and EX is 22,we were together for 6 months,fortunately I got the job in same organisation where she is working but after joining things start spoiling and we were broke up in december 2013,It was my fault that I didn’t give her much space,but I really love her unconditionally,even she loved me very much but after broke,in deprerssion I had left that job and apologise to her for 1000’s of time but she dont want to listen at all,I accept everything that was my mistake but still she do not want to come back,I was continuously message her since last 4 months but she feel it very irritating now,I know it voilate no-contact rule but only reason I text her was I dont want time to run out from my hand,so please please suggest me what should I do now,because I really really want her back forever.Thank you.

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 10:48 am

      Hey Mahesh,

      I replied to your comment here.

  • Maricel April 19, 2014, 7:01 pm

    Hi I need your advice.
    I broke with my ex about a moth ago..he sent me a text telling me he missed me,so we saw each other a Sunday and we talked about out relationship and I though were ok and we were gonna try to work things out..by the way I broke up with him because he works so much and didn’t make any effort to see me.
    So after that Sunday I didn’t hear from him until Thursday April 10th which it was my birthday,he sent me this email.

    Don’t think for a second that I forgot your birthday or that you don’t cross my mind countless times a day because I didn’t and you do. I realized on Sunday after we talked that I’m not the person you want right now and I know you have your doubts too because you said as much. I just want you to know that I got that job and I hope that will help me get my head straight. This year burned me up and I had no energy left over for any kind of life or to give you what you deserve.

    You need to know that I do love you very much and you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. I couldn’t say anything bad about you if I tried and I truly believe you deserve all the happiness in the world I just don’t know if I can give that to you until I get right. I still have hope that this change is all I need and that maybe some day we’ll cross paths again and you can see me for who I really am. I don’t want to say goodbye, but all I can do at this point is leave that up to you. Even to just be friends with you right now would be enough for me.

    Anyway, I love you Maricel and I hope you can forgive me and have best 30th birthday ever.
    My reply was congrats on your new job and I wish you the best in your life.

    I don’t like playing games..I do love him but he’s so complicated..do you think my answer was right..I replied the email on Sunday and I never heard from him back.
    What do you think?
    You are awesome..I love reading what you write!

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 4:45 am

      Hey Maricel,

      I don’t think he is playing games either. It seems he is pretty clear and he thinks he can’t provide you what you are looking for which is why he wants to stay broken up. I think you should give him the time and space he needs to “get right” and let him get back in touch with you again.

    • Maricel April 20, 2014, 8:28 am

      Thanks so much!!
      So you think that my reply was all right?
      Saying congrats on your new job and I wish you the best in your life or he will think I was saying good bye?
      Do you think he will reach me again?

      • Kevin April 22, 2014, 2:34 pm

        I think your reply was right. I can’t say if he’ll try to reach you again or not. Even if he doesn’t reach out to you again, you should contact him after you finish no contact.

  • Harry April 19, 2014, 8:36 pm

    Hi Kevin.
    After a little less than 2 weeks(1 week and 6 days) my ex has been contacting me for a while, asking me how I’m doing and what I’m up to and so on. Today she started to text me stuff like “Are you there, can we talk?”, “Please answer I need to talk to you”, and she even called me once(While I have begged her for giving me space). I just ignored everything, bur at last I texted her on FB because I got worried that something was wrong. It turned out as soon as I answered: she wrote to me “I miss you so much Harry, I can’t stand one more day(without me)”, “can we meet up and talk?”.

    I was very unsure, but at the end I gave in and we meet up. She told me how much she’s been missing me, and how meaningless it seems to her to not share her life/moments/those times without moments, everything etc etc, waking up and not see the meaning waking up because I’m not there by her side. She also explained why she broke up with me. But first I have to give you a little background about us.

    You see, we meet just in the begging of this summer, and everything was wonderful, and both of us were so in love. But then the fall came. We both have kind of big baggage, packed with mental problems/-health issues. So all of our own shit caught up with us, with our love.
    So, from then on our relationship started drifting(trying to keep it as short as I can, so I’m not going more into detail here…)

    So, this downward going spiral had been digging down into the ground for quite a while… And this ended up with my ex sleeping with her old ex.
    She told me as we meet this evening when me met, that the guilt was to much to bear. Not only that our relationship had been drifting for such a long time: now she couldn’t even look at me without breaking. So she broke up with me. But she says she really regrets it now. That she hopes I can forgive her. And that she wants me back.
    While she is still unsure, cause she doesn’t want our relationship to be like it was before, which I totally understand.
    Altogether, I’m very confused right now. Should we slowly try to get back again? Or is it to early? I feel that even it’s only been 2 weeks, a lot in me has changed to the better, and I feel there is a chance we could make it better this time. But I’m still not sure, do I need more time and space to grow/change?
    Can I trust her? I do feel she’s being really honest with me, but I’m afraid to trust her since she’s broke my heart… And this cheating thing… I actually feel that I already can get along with it. If I know that it really never meant anything! But how can I be sure of that?
    Please help me Kevin: What do you think about all of this, what do you see and hear?

    PS: Sorry for the long post, tried to make it as short I thought was possible. Hope you have the time to answer me. Best wishes

    • Harry April 19, 2014, 8:43 pm

      PPS: And sorry for the sometimes poor spelling and writing, it’s in the middle of the night so yeah…

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 5:01 am

      Hey Harry,

      Whether or not you will be able to trust her again is dependent on a lot of factors. I know a lot of people are able to regain trust in a relationship after cheating. But that is a huge topic and to cover it in this comment will be impossible. I think you should ask her for some time and do another couple weeks of no contact. Tell her that you are not moving on and you want to get back together, but not right now. I’ll suggest you read more about infidelity and how people overcome it. I’ve heard good things about the website “survivinginfidelity[dot]com”.

  • melody April 20, 2014, 1:47 am

    My ex and I had dated in 2010 for 3 months. We broke up because we of a huge fight we had. It was all about his exgirlfriend that would post pictures of him and her. She spread rumours that I was just a rebound and so forth.

    It hurt me so much. However in the fight I hit below the belt. It was a very sensitive issue. That I know so he dumped me.

    He was hurt badly by the break up. I snuck up on him though, and found his confessions on a website. He felt like a jerk that he did not fight harder for me. He apologised quiet a lot.

    He tried getting me back in 2012, but I was not ready. He has had 2 girlfriends inbetween. The current one he started dating when I told him I am dating.

    The last two nights he got very upset that I am a close friend with his guy friend. We wanted to pull a prank on our friends, but he just could not leave me alone with his friend.

    He wanted me to explain myself to him. The next day at a party, he brought the new girl. I gret them and remained the friendly me. At the end he was making fun of everyone, very hyper, taking pictures of everyone. He ran after me across the dance floor just to take pictures of me dancing with anyone I would dance with.
    He said he’ll send me the pictures… On our way, he would ask for his new girl, but then make fun of me too. He would say let us high 5. But then I would just hold me hand.

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 5:06 am


      Did you try telling him your feelings?

  • Anonymous April 20, 2014, 3:32 pm

    I miss my ex like crazy. We were fighting too much towards the end of our 3 year relationship because he was always too buys for me. After meeting up last week e told me he needs to prioritize his life and become his own person. He is 26 and still feels like he has so much to learn before he can prioritize someone else. This did give me closure but I miss him more every day. I told him I would respect his decision even though I wanted us to work things out. I suggested a lot of solutions but he kept saying I can’t say yes to anything right now and that this is too hard. I know part of him still loves me but I need to know whether we still have a chance if he hasn’t found himself. Also, I am moving back to Europe in December. The plan was that he would eventually be there with me. He says he will not be able to figure himself out by the time I leave. But that we will be on better terms before I leave. Is there any chance for us? Will he ever realize he made a mistake? Or when a guy says he needs to find himself, does it mean it is over?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 10:52 am

      There is a chance that he will realize that he wants you in his life and want to come back. However, don’t expect it to happen anytime soon. Follow the 5 step plan and keep no contact for at least 3 months.

  • Danny S April 23, 2014, 11:09 am


    I know everyone probably says this, but I feel like my situation is slightly different. My ex of 2 3/4 years is 22 and just about to finish up her undergrad in less than 3 weeks and I’m 27 and live about an hour and 15 minutes away. Last week she broke up with me on facebook (where we contacted during the day because I cannot text) because I had been giving her space to enjoy college and not feel bogged down from me. When I told that to her, she said she didn’t ask for that she had been hurt by it.

    So I pulled all those mistakes you shouldn’t, and through that, she said that she “needs time”. At one point she said that it might only take her a week. She made it very clear that she didn’t want to push me out of her life. My question is, won’t NC come off as spiteful in my particular situation? Especially considering just this morning we both affirmed that we did not want to give up?

    • Kevin April 28, 2014, 10:38 am

      You can explain it to her before starting no contact that this doesn’t mean you want to give up. It just means you need some space and time.

  • John April 23, 2014, 1:02 pm


    So me and my Ex broke up about 3 weeks ago… It’s a long story…

    Long story short though, my previous girlfriend passed away due to cancer over a year ago and me and my ex started dating about 4 months later.. It was hard for me to give her my whole heart for the last year as I was struggling to cope with my situation… But I do love her.. anyway.. she broke up with me because she finally got to her limit. She couldn’t handle me having pictures and other items out of my past gf… and she thought that she was never going to be the only girl in my life… So she told me “You have to let go of her or me…” and that was it… so since then, I have realized a lot… I have actually come to peace with my previous girlfriend passing away… I took the items down around my house, I deleted old texts and voicemails.. and I got rid of everything that made my ex uncomfortable… But I begged and pleaded for another chance.. I tried to convince her that I was changed… and it took her tearing my heart to pieces to realize that I needed to move forward in my life… but now I’m just dying for an opportunity to show her who I really am and what I can really be as a boyfriend…

    I’m starting the 30 days today but I just worry I may have pushed her too hard by begging her for a chance… I think she blocked my phone number. So what do I do?

    • Kevin April 28, 2014, 10:47 am

      Follow the 5 step plan. I think she will eventually start missing you and contact you. I think you still have a good chance.

  • Stacey Jane April 23, 2014, 1:17 pm

    First of all let me tell you that subscribing to your e mails was a real life saver. Got me through this month. Thank you sooooooo much. So, here is an update and an urgent request for feedback. I completed the NC period a few days ago. I was planning my reconnection text but thought I’d give it another week to grow stronger. He called today. 3 times. I did not answer the first two times and then I answered to tell him I was on the other line and I would call him back which I did (half an hour later). The conversation was a bit awkward but definitely charged. He wanted to know all about what I have been up to the past month, even asked about my friends I took a trip with. He confessed he has not been doing good at all (but I am not sure it was about our break up) and we had a rather meaningful albeit short talk. I did keep it short. He tried to keep me on the line as long as he could. At the end he asked me if I gave “us” any thought (he is the guy who is begging me to be his friend and remain in his life, so I am sure this is what he was referring to. Needless to say friendship is NOT what I want from him.) I told him that quite frankly I had not because I had been very busy and I had not allowed myself to think about it. I also told him that this was not the time to go into this and that I was not going to do it but we could speak with each other at some other point if we had actual topics to talk about and that I had to go because I was running late for dinner with friends. He asked me to call him later but I said I will probably be home very late (a lie but I think it is for the best) and hurried to end the call. Literally a minute after the conversation ended I get this message “Hi wish you an awesome evening. Give me a call later if you like. would like to hear how it is all going. Otherwise I’ll hear you sometime [pet name]” What the h… do I do next?????? What does it all mean??? please shed some light. I don’t want to screw this up. Do you think the NC is actually working? Do you think I might possibly have made a mistake in my interaction? Thank you so much in advance. You have been by far the best source of reasonable support and info.

    • Stacey Jane April 23, 2014, 5:15 pm

      yet another update. Things are happening fast. An hour later he sends this “Hi [pet name] hope it was a great dinner”, I don’t reply, an hour later he sends “Hi [pet name] how was it tonight was it good? let me know if you want to talk [his pet name]. I reply “Still out, maybe tomorrow” he replies “Let me know. I am still up a while. if you want tonight 🙂 have fun” I reply “Better some other time, sleep well” he replies” “good times :-)” ten minutes later: “would have been cool to talk to you though”. I didn’t answer. What now? The no contact stuff apparently works like a charm but what about what we do after. Please please please give me an opinion on what is going on and what I should do next.

      • Ruch April 24, 2014, 12:39 am

        I am not kevin but from reading what you wrote, you did the NC contact period already and are now reconnecting. might be worthwhile to take the plunge and meet up with him and have fun reconnecting, but take things slow and let him be the one to want to get back together with you.

        • Stacey Jane April 24, 2014, 1:01 am

          thanks. I just want to take it easy. Can’t let him in just yet. I want to wait a bit before meeting him in person. I just didn’t expect such a huge change. Two months ago he was hardly answering my texts and a month ago he told me he his feelings for me changed and that we will never be together. I need to be careful. I love this man and I don’t want to get hurt again.

          • Danny April 24, 2014, 7:50 am

            Therein lies the issue. If you are afraid of being hurt again, then I think you are right in being cautious. From what I’m finding out, “too much love” seems to be an issue. Even in situations like mine where my girlfriend broke it off because she didn’t feel loved enough. In the days that followed the breakup, I gave her an onslaught of love. It seems like that you have to figure out where you don’t need your ex. And it sounds like you are on your way.

            Super happy for you though, I know that most of the others reading this board and I are all a little jealous as we which we had your dilemma instead of the one we currently face. Stay strong!

      • Kevin April 28, 2014, 11:13 am

        Let him chase you for a while. Reply to him and eventually when he asks you out, say yes.

    • Kevin April 28, 2014, 10:49 am

      I think you did well with the interaction. And yes no contact is working. He is starting to chase you. Let him chase you for a while and keep doing what you’ve been doing.

      • Stacey Jane April 28, 2014, 1:45 pm

        I am seriously so very grateful to have come across your site and for your insight. So, yes, he did call again next day. We spoke longer than the first call. He told me he has not been himself. He also seemed rather surprised I seem to be doing so well (I said why shouldn’t I be, life is to be enjoyed). Once again he asked if I had given “us” any thought. I had to tell him at that point that there is no “us” as he broke up with me, remember? I also told him he was right. The relationship was nonexistant by the end and I agree with the break up. That each relationship needs to go its natural course and not a forced one. So he said “so, when we exchange stuff, this is it? I am never going to see you again?”. I told him I don’t know but that dissecting a dead relationship leads to nowhere. He then said “I am sorry I am pressing you. I don’t mean to. I will take one day at a time. See how it goes.” Then we hung up vaguely agreeing to speaking/meeting next week. So, that’s the story so far. I didn’t want to speak about our failed relationship but he keeps bringing it up. I wish I could avoid it. Anyway, thanks so very very much for everything. the page, your personal input. I appreciate it all. (I am a successful lawyer in my early thirties, not once have I been in such emotional turmoil because of a man, I feel slightly embarassed)

        • Kevin April 29, 2014, 12:29 pm

          you’re welcome Stacey. I am glad my website helped.

  • bryan April 24, 2014, 3:26 pm

    Hi kelvin,

    Me and my ex gf broke up almost 2 months ago. I did something really touching to try to get her back only to know she was somehow dating this other girl. She told me it was cool for both of us to go after her however she seemed to give the other guy more attention than she gave me. I spoke to her and she said she would give a fair chance to both of us which isn’t true. On one day, she posted a picture with that guy on facebook who happened to be a co worker, I got so pissed and I texted her saying I can never be friends with her. She said good. This NC has been going on for about 3 weeks. What can I do now?

    • Kevin April 28, 2014, 11:55 am

      Continue no contact for another 3 weeks and then get back in touch with her as a friend.

      • bryan May 3, 2014, 10:00 am

        I see my ex gf at work very often nowadays as she got transferred over. I got a lil affected though I didnt show it at work. I was drunk and texted a mutual friend of ours that I still love my ex gf. This friend went and send it to my ex gf. Now it seem like the whole situation is all over the place again. I’m so confused.

        • Kevin May 5, 2014, 11:55 am

          You gotta start no contact again.

  • sof April 30, 2014, 2:08 am

    Hey Kevin,
    ive been with this guy for almost 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together. for the past ”almost 5 years” we broke up and made up more than 4 times. the last make up with did he proposed but then we broke up again and he was with a girl and then left this girl for me again and proposed again…now he’s gone again with that same girl and claim that he’s not coming back. I love him and I miss him does that mean we are out chances because I feel like im the one who pushed him away this time its now that im realizing the efforts he made.

    • Kevin May 1, 2014, 3:07 am

      I think you do have a chance. You should follow the 5 step plan.

  • sof April 30, 2014, 2:52 am

    hey kevin…did you get my message?

  • nthabeleng April 30, 2014, 8:09 am

    Hey kevin

    Me and my boyfriend broke up about 3 weeks ago. I broke up with him because after a minor fight that we had, he said his feelings for me faded. He said that he felt that he is not dating material or a good boyfriend. He also said that he’d rather be friends, so I left. So now we’re “friends”, yesterday we met up to study together …long story short, he kissed me and said he’d rather have a friends-with-benefits relationship because he doesn’t want either of us to get hurt.
    I don’t know what to do…when we talk, I always have to start the conversation n that makes me feel like I’m annoying him.
    We were dating for 3 months, I know its a short time but I really fell for him. And now I want him back. Does he have feelings for me?

    • Kevin May 1, 2014, 3:13 am

      Don’t go for the friends with benefit thing. You will just end more heartbroken. Follow the 5 step plan. Yes, he does have feelings for you.

  • Kevin April 30, 2014, 9:04 pm

    Hello Kevin, I was wondering in the no contact rule is it better to leave her last messages she sent me on the read or unread setting, on facebook messages and chats like that?

    • Kevin May 1, 2014, 7:45 am

      Both of them are OK. If you read it, and then you mark it as unread, then she will probably understand that you did it. When an ex sends you a message, they are constantly checking whether you read it or not. And as soon as you read it, it will show on her facebook. Marking it as unread after that will probably be in vain.

  • Linds May 1, 2014, 1:38 pm

    okay so i failed at the no contact:/ but I want to try again! I knew I was going to see my ex at a music festival we were supposed to go to together before we broke up and I texted him before. He said he missed me and was excited to see me. We only hung out for a bit before my friend grabbed my hand and we ditched him and her ex that he was with. When we were with them he acted happy to see me, telling me I looked pretty, wanting to hug me and hold my hand. He also texted me later that night annoyed i had left without saying anything. He must still care about me right? The festival was this past weekend. Should I start no contact for another 30 days??

    • Kevin May 3, 2014, 9:31 am

      Yes, he does care for you. Yes, you should tart no contact again.

  • Zainab May 2, 2014, 8:18 am

    Hi Kelvin,

    Thanks for the website!

    My ex and I broke up 5 days ago. I was the one who initiated the break up because i found out that he said mean things, made fun of me and insulted me to his friends. I felt like i got betrayed by him as he is not the kind of guy to do that. So i quickly ran off and he didnt chase after me nor did he try to stop the break up. He just accepted it. I felt extremely hurt by his acceptance of the breakup so I sent him all the things he gave me the next day so as to get his attention to try and hold onto me. In the end, it hurt him even more and he was more convinced that we should break up. The next day, i met him and asked why he didnt want to hold onto me. And i begged him to take me back. He didnt budge on his decision. In the end, he allowed me to take back all the things that i sent back to him. He said that he wanted to have a clean break and stop all contact with me but i begged him not to. That we could still be friends, if not, just allow me to text him and if he wants, he can reply. He firmly said no.

    However, the next day, he texted me and apologised for being so mean to me. He said that he didnt know that we could be good friends but he didnt want to ignore me. So we immediately began talking like normal, but the next day, he said that this didnt feel right and that we should not be doing this as this prevents us from moving on. He didnt want to give me hope that we could get back together. He said that he wont reply so often anymore. He feels bad about not replying and he says that he needs to get used to stop texting me everyday. I believe that he is firm in his decision of not getting back with me as he rarely changes his mind. He always says that people cannot force him to do what he does not want to do.

    I know he cares alot of about me and he treated me very well in this relationship. But we always fought over minor things that became major issues and because of the constant fighting, we became distrustful with each other. I now understand that we fought so much to the extent that led to him to vent it out by insulting me to his friends. I dont condone his actions but i also feel that i have a part in it as well. He also feels that i would always shut off when he tries to solve the problems. We tried very long and hard to manage and work this relationship that it has exhausted him and pushed him to the limit. He has held onto for so long and tried his best but i was always unappreciative of him. However, i have been improving. I had been starting to be proactive whenever we were trying to solve our fights and I would be the one to take the first step and say sorry since 2 months ago. However, i think i have really pushed him to the limit.

    I love him so much and i know he loves me even though he says otherwise. But i feel that he is scared to get back together with me and give me a chance as he feel that he has given me many chances alrdy and he does not want to be having such a stressful relationship anymore. He is also guilty of the monster he had become that would talk bad abt his gf to his friends.

    Can you please advice me? And since he is receptive to my texts, should i still continue with the NC plan?

    • Kevin May 3, 2014, 10:20 am

      I think you should apply no contact if you haven’t applied it till now.

  • Anja Noltensmeje. May 3, 2014, 8:26 am

    My ex is also my colleague. We even sit in the same room, soo 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I cant hide.
    I need help, and I cant find any on the subject.
    It’s day 10 on the NC role.

    • Kevin May 3, 2014, 11:56 am


      It’ll be hard but you need to apply limited contact. Treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.

  • Amber May 3, 2014, 8:38 am

    I am a 36 year old woman and my Boyfriend is 32. We have been together for 5 years and lived together for 4. I have a 13 and 10 year old daughter and son. He is their step-dad for all intents and purposes. We are breaking up and he is moving out in a week. The situation is incredibly amicable and we have had some of the best and most loving conversations in the past 2 days than we have had in the last year. The break up was initiated by him. We both suffer from depression but his is more severe and deep rooted than mine. He feels that we are toxic to each other at this time and we need to be apart to work on ourselves if we have a chance at a longer relationship. I agree for the most part but feel desperate to stay together. I want to use no contact but he has made it clear that he wants to stay in our lives and continue to see each other. I think 30 days is very reasonable but 2 weeks after he leaves will be my daughter’s 14th birthday. It will be very important for all of us for him to be there. How should I handle this? Should we spend the day together, have fun and not talk about “issues” and then resume no contact for the 30 days or does this encounter foul everything up and will I need to reset the no contact period? Thank you for this site. I have read many of the articles and I think that your advice is sound. I feel very thankful to have found it so early in my breakup.

    • Kevin May 3, 2014, 11:58 am

      Yes, you should do exactly as you said. But you should not reset no contact unless you feel it’s necessary. 30 days is more of guideline. If at the end of 30 days, you don’t feel like you are ready to get back in touch, you can extend it.

  • Maria May 3, 2014, 10:13 am

    Dear Kevin,
    My boyfriend of three years broke up with me a month ago. He said he wants to enjoy the single life and wants to have fun with friends as much as possible. I have subscribed to your e-mails and they have helped me a lot in dealing with the breakup, however, I still contacted him throughout this month, most of the times begging and pleading for him to come back. He said he want to be there for me but only as a friend and we agreed on meeting up to help me with stuff related to my studies. However, out of the blues, he told me that he doesn’t want to talk to me or contact me again and that he is doing it for my own good. He said that he knows that he is going to regret letting me go in the future, but for now he just wants to be single. I am kind of hoping that by not contacting him, he would eventually come back. But will he come back even if he initiated the NC in the first place?

    • Kevin May 5, 2014, 11:57 am

      No contact is effective even if he initiated it.

  • Lindsay May 3, 2014, 5:41 pm

    Hi. So about two weeks ago, my boyfriend and I (we were together 15 months) started a no-contact break that will last until the end of May or early June. He is currently in his home country for his job and to see his family (which was unrelated to the break, just a timing coincidence). I have had a very difficult time with the break, but I also just had a complicated family emergency come up. While I am dealing with this and pretty much only thinking and taking care of this situation, he is also on my mind, because I would have turned to him had we been together. He found out about my situation and sent me a text. All in all, it was incredibly short, two texts each, only about this specific situation, not about us. I think that I should continue to be no-contact, but I am very confused. While I feel like I really really need him, I think that this isn’t the time for us to talk about our relationship, simply because an extraordinary event might bring us together temporarily, but won’t fix any problems. Plus he is in another country and wouldn’t be able to do anything anyway. I believe he is thinking the same thing, and is conflicted about contacting me again because he knows I am consumed by the situation and it might be inappropriate, but I also keep thinking if he doesn’t contact me again, he must be a huge jerk. It’s only been a day, and while I’m not expecting or waiting on him, part of me is hoping that he will check up on me again. What do you think is appropriate?

    • Kevin May 5, 2014, 12:25 pm

      If he is contacting about the emergency, you should respond to him and keep it short. You are right about not trying to get him back right now. Let everything settle down and make sure you read the checklist at the beginning of step 4 in the 5 step plan before ending no contact.

  • Lils May 3, 2014, 6:24 pm

    HELP! so my bf broke up with me last week but i kept bothering him until he finally decided to block my number from him phone and block me from fb. he did unblock me but then i continued ugh now that i know about this i feel like i messed up bad however i still have my twitter and instagram where everyone (including him) can view it…should i block it all or leave it open and try to flaunt happiness and me talking to other guys? what should i do!!!! is it too late? he knows i always try to contact him either i’ll leave messages or try to add him on stuff i’m always there is it too late!!

    • Kevin May 5, 2014, 12:30 pm

      Don’t make it completely obvious that you are trying to make him jealous. You don’t have to delete him unless it’s making you obsess over him.

  • Ankit May 4, 2014, 2:31 am

    Hi Kevin

    I followed the no contact rule and my ex contacted me after 32 days. We hadn’t exactly broken up.She told me “I THINK it’s over….” before i told her to take some time off and really think about it.I then went into no contact. She texted me saying “hello….it took me a week to send you just a hello” and that she didn’t know what to say further.I talked to her very casually….like an acquaintance. We haven’t talked about the relationship or the break up yet. She’s contacted me thrice till now. I want to get back but don’t know how to steer the conversation to that point. Help!

    • Kevin May 5, 2014, 12:38 pm

      Don’t try to steer the conversation to that point. Just have fun with her and try to meet up. Let it be her idea to get back together.

      • Ankit May 5, 2014, 3:05 pm

        Is it okay if I initiate conversations from my side ? and what if I ask her to meet and she refuses ( genuine reason or not)…..it will spoil things.

        • Kevin May 6, 2014, 2:06 pm

          Yes, it’s OK. If she refuses, then you back off for a while and apply no contact again for at least two weeks.

          • Ankit May 7, 2014, 2:36 pm

            You’ve been of great help Kevin. Just one more thing. I initiated the conversation from my side but now i feel she’s kind of going back into her shell and seems disinterested. I really don’t understand. I have been talking casually, but every now and then she gives one word replies to my texts…like “oh” “okay” “hhmm”. it’s hard to continue the conversation. why contact and then do this after the first few conversations.

          • Kevin May 8, 2014, 12:59 pm

            She is becoming cold. I think you should back off a little bit. Stay no contact for a week or two.

  • Nev May 4, 2014, 7:06 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I recently broke up with my ex who I have been going out with for 7 years, we were even engaged for 5 of them. My problem is that I have been texting my ex, because we had a lot of stuff in both our names (bills, car etc) and we needed to discuss how we would sort it out. Problem is once all our stuff was sorted and I had found a new house and bought all new furniture (I left with nothing), I began to text her to just check if she was ok? I kept telling her that it was because I was worried and I still care for her, but it was mainly because I didn’t want her to forget me and if I stopped talking I thought she might, I keep thinking that because we don’t have anything left to sort out then we don’t have any connection left to each other. I love her a lot and over the years I knew that we were slowly drifting apart because we didn’t have much in common and our circle of friends changed, and we have broken up a few times and got back together. Last time we broke up I was angry and hurt that she told me “I just don’t think this is working” and I said I would leave and not come back. Now I am still texting her and I don’t know how I can do the NC rule, because I was the one who said that I still needed to talk to her and check in her because I thought it was helping me handle the situation. What do I do?

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 12:02 pm

      Just stop contacting her. If she contacts you, tell her you need space and time.

  • Lisa May 4, 2014, 10:01 am

    So my bf of 2 years broke up with me last week. that weekend i tried to contact him then he blocked me off everything. He unblocked my Facebook which led to me messaging him again then he proceeded to blocking. I’m sure he realizes i’m the type to keep over contacting and sometimes use a someone else s phone to text and even drop off a note and i’ve completely stopped with the contact for 2 days, but do you think it’s too late? All of my social networks are open to be seen publicly so should i put them all on private so he won’t see or leave it as it is?

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 12:06 pm

      You don’t need to change it to private. I don’t think it’s too late.

  • Kara May 4, 2014, 10:16 am

    Hi kevin!

    I had a question regarding the 30 days to my sitauion. I thing 30 days is too short and wanted to push for an extra 2 weeks cause i feel like it’s very needed however that falls uncomfortably close to our 2 year anniversary. what should i do? should i wait till after?

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 12:06 pm

      Make it three weeks or better yet, another month.

  • Adam May 4, 2014, 12:31 pm

    Hello Kevin
    There is a girl at work which I hang out with everyday ; Long story short , We were best friends for 3 months (we became close very fast) but then we BOTH started to have feelings for each other but there were 2 problems :
    – She is at work and I had to see her everyday – She was the only person I actually hang out with at work (And vice versa) and stilll atm which I’ll explain later
    – We are both afraid of getting attached to each other and afraid of breaking up and losing each other (Lame reason but we both mentioned this).

    But finally I decided to go for it and I became her boyfriend , things went well for the first week but after the 10th day I started to feel that she is afraid of something (I hate it when I can read people’s mind , especially and mostly her’s) so after 2 weeks and 5 days I talked with her and we went back to being “Just friends” as I wasn’t comfortable to see her like this. She was crying for almost 2 hours and said that she loves to be with me but she is more comfortable to be best friends with me (Friendships last longer than relationships blah blah) and I was actually fine since I was the one who brought this thing up. She asked if she could still see me together and go out together and kiss me(!)
    However I became depressed after day 2 and decided to talk to her without asking her to be back . I said that we should stop seeing each other because I still got feelings and now I care about myself instead of “Us” ; She started crying again and said that she still has feelings but wants to be between gf and bestfriend which made me very confused.
    She was talking about problems we had in our relationships (It was mostly about her like : I might get tired of you after 2 months but I don’t wanna – I don’t wanna get attached – My best friend (Girl) will ruin our relationship – Sometimes I can’t control myself) and In the end i asked if our relationship is worth fighting for (to keep it alive) and she said that “let’s keep things like this for a while , I’ll ask to be back together If i feel it” which looked very lame for me.
    2 days later she started dating another guy (Her friend apparently forced her to get her out of the mood sad (Rebound or w.e It’s called))
    I did N/C and she went mad and cried a lot so after 3/4 days we had to see each other at work and we became ok , She was pretty messed up and later at night she texted me “Can you be always promise to be around me?” and I said “I’ve been till now , the rest is up to you as well” which I believe she didn’t really get that as a “no”
    I wanted to bring up the conversation about her new bf like I didn’t actually care but I knew saying it would kill her so I followed my friend’s suggestion of “Not talking about it”
    I like her and she likes me and we are fit for each other and we spend a lot of time together even now ; I don’t know If i should date her again or not or at least not date her right now (till she grows up at least lol) but that’s a high risk I took once before and that girl has been dating that guy for 3 years so I won’t risk this one.
    Sometimes I wanna have her and sometimes I don’t (Right now I’m probably acting like I don’t care cause I know she is sad even while she is dating someone else) but the fact that we are still together for hours and we both have feelings for each other is wierd and I also want to give her a hint that I won’t be always here for you because then she will be like “I’ll do whatever I want and he is going to be around anyways”.

    What do you think? N/C is kinda hard (since we still spend lot of time together) but I dont even know If i want her in a relationship with me or not atm(Prolly cuz Im kinda mad atm) so I need some help here lol

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 12:09 pm

      You’ll have to apply no contact. At least limited contact. Tell her you need space and time and at work, treat her like you would treat any other colleague. Not as a friend.

  • Still Hopeful May 5, 2014, 10:23 am

    Hi Kevin.

    I am so glad I stumbled across this website.

    My situation:
    I am 32 with a 4 yr old, and my ex is 38 with a 9 and a 12 yr old. We met 2 years ago on Match and we had fallen in love fast and strong. Never have I ever imagined such an intellectual, emotional and physical connection would be possible. He swept me off my feet and I have (with his words): made his dreams come true. First year our love was completely effortless, fun, exciting, even ‘OVER THE TOP’ according to some friends and family who saw us together. To us it was open, true, and honest, without contingencies or walls. Of course there was a bit of turmoil, he was emotionally unstable but he always owned up to it and worked on his problems with success. I supported him throughout and was proud of his growth.

    He asked me to marry him on 5-18-2013, of course I said yes without any hesitation. I wanted a life with this man, I could see us being old and goofy together, building memories and sharing experiences. We have always looked to the future with such aspirations and hopes, we both knew we belonged together, the connection was undeniable and I thought unbreakable.
    Shortly after the engagement, we decided to live together. He and his children moved in with me and my son. (A house I purchased and once shared with the father of my child. I’m sure that was hard on him.)

    Shortly after things started going bad. More and more bickering, resentment, dissatisfaction, I was displeased with his daily routines, lack of time managements, I became rigid and controlling. I was annoyed with how his kids were raised and how they behaved (and often communicated that to him, wrong move). He also contributed to the struggles though, with his anxiety and occasional emotional outbursts.

    But we still loved each other and were committed to stick together and work on our problems. Until the beginning of January when he had a huge blow-up over his son’s disrespectful behavior and he went all kinds of ‘crazy’. The children were frightened and I was in complete shock. He said words that were like a dagger to my heart, he acted in ways that made me scared for myself and my son. So I kicked him out immediately. He packed up his things and left with his children that night. After three days of no communication, he reached out to me and apologized. He confessed his fears and demons, his struggles and weaknesses. He wanted us to work so bad; I was hesitant but I loved him and I forgave him. We slowly started back at it again without the kids being involved. We went to counseling, and we were better for a few weeks, then it went downhill. It has been an up and down roller-coaster since. This time I believe it was mainly because of me. I told him I was scared of being a family together. I told him I have hesitations being a stepmother to his children and that I wasn’t sure anymore that this would work out. I put up walls, became controlling and often demonstrated a double standard.

    One dreadful day he had enough of me pushing him away and he called it quits. That was on Sunday April 20th. Initially I was fine with it until the following Tuesday morning when I sent him a ‘I love you’ text. From that point on he had the upper hand and he expressed to me he has lost faith in me and in us. He is unhappy and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He threw a lot of hurtful, some true, accusations my way while I just cried and begged and pleaded for him to reconsider. I have never felt so little. I thought showing honesty, love and vulnerability will let him see my true feelings for him, well it hasn’t worked. The first 10 days after the breakup I wrote him hand written letters, cards, emails and texts mainly because his love language is ‘words of affirmations’ and because he always said he wanted a woman that would pursue him as much as he would pursue her. So I wrote him, a lot. One of the letters stated ‘100 Reasons Why We Need to Fight for Our Relationship’. I wrote him letters to thank him and show him gratitude for the amazing person he is and all that he has done for me, for us. …and so on.

    There’s been little communication from him, he responded to some texts, telling me he is happy that I am seeing a therapist. He replied to a card I sent him saying it made him laugh to the point of tears. He also sent an e-mail expressing that this breakup has been greatest heartache he has ever suffered and the biggest lost he has ever experienced, that I was the love of his life but he has lost all faith in me, and no longer believes in us.

    As of Thursday May 1st, I made no additional contact with him. He has not reached out at all. Every day I wake up feeling lost, hurt, devastated, heartbroken, ashamed and full of regrets.
    I want to say that our relationship was different, we were so compatible, we could read other’s minds, we made love with passion that was beyond this world, we operated on the same wavelength, if there is such a thing as a soul-mate, he was certainly mine. I am confident in saying so we were each other’s.

    So where do I go from here? How do I go on? I want to be with this man, I know in my heart without a doubt I want to grow old with this man. My commitment to him, as always is unwavering. Will he ever want us back together? Help please.
    Thank you!
    -Still Hopeful

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 1:27 pm


      Well, you should absolutely follow the 5 step plan and work on your issues during no contact. I think you have a good chance of getting him back. But you both will need to work a lot on your issues and the relationship if you want to make it work.

      • Still Hopeful May 7, 2014, 8:51 am

        Thank you Kevin,

        I agree, we both have a lot of work to do as individuals in order to have a lasting relationship as a couple. I have made quite a few discoveries about myself just in the past couple of weeks.

        Your e-mails are so helpful, I am grateful I found your website.

        One question for you. As I was cleaning out the garage yesterday I realized I have all of his summer clothes, I’d like to return it back to him but I don’t want to break the NC rule (I’m only on day 7). Since he and my brother work together should I just pack it up and send it to him with my brother? Maybe a note saying: “The days are getting hotter, I figured you might need these.”
        Is this a good idea?

        -Still Hopeful

        • Kevin May 7, 2014, 1:16 pm

          If he is not asking for it, leave it there. You can give it to him after NC.

          • Still Hopeful May 7, 2014, 1:22 pm

            OK, thank you!

  • Ber May 5, 2014, 5:36 pm

    Hi kevin
    Ive always been an overthinker and ive told my ex this so i tend to overanalyze what he says to me and he would compare me to his past and this hurt me so i asked him to stop we broke up not to long after that then he wants me back and i start feeling anxious cause im losing him and he might breakup with me then he asks me if i like another guy and he starts accusing me of being like his ex so i brokeup with him because he says hes still hurt. then We got into a fight and he feels ive insulted him and put the blame on him and he told me not to contact him i looked kind of pathetic cause i kept calling him after that i havent talked to him in a couple weeks i really love him i want a second chance but now he left me cold and deleted me off of facebook…and hasnt contacted me in a couple weeks..do you think i ruined our relationship? Everything was going so well..before i started falling for him

  • Hope May 6, 2014, 9:01 am

    I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years this morning, because he blocked me from whatsapp and gtalk. He says the reason he did it is because i talk too much when we have a misunderstanding, but even before we started using whatsapp, i used to send him long texts, and he never blocked me on his phone. I am not sure if i want him back, i don’t trust him anymore, i think he has met someone else, and he is using the blocking as a way to get rid of me.

  • Confused May 6, 2014, 4:34 pm

    Hi Kevin!

    A week ago I commented to my boyfriend something he disliked (when he was drunk). He threw me out of his house! A few days past, he texted that he wanted to speak to me. When we met, he told me that he has been meaning to break up with me but was a coward about it. He loved me like a friend. He said we had few things in common and that he realized it wasnt going to work out. He’s very attached to my daughter. He requested not to see her again because it may complicate things in the future. I was crushed! Of course, I texted numerous times for two days then stopped. On our 8th day of separation, he came in my apt unannounced while I was at work. He left a note that read he needed his laptop and apologized for not notifying it ahead of time. I know he saw i removed his personal things to another closet bc the door was open, but he didnt take it and didnt leave my key under the mat. I was slightly upset. Not only did he brake up with me but also wants access to my home. So… I broke the no contact rule and told him to pick up his things the next day or else he’ll find it outdoors. He agreed. When he arrived he kissed my daughter while she was asleep and took his things. He hugged me before he left, I showed little affection (which is rare of me). I love him dearly and know he loves me. But I’ve been the doormat way too long. Im confused. We’ve known each other for eight years. He always told me I was the love of his life. A few weeks ago he invited me to move with him to another state. He’s always talking about the future. We have even tried to have a baby. Things were ok. I noticed a few weeks ago he stopped acting great when i needed to move in his apt for a month bc of probs that occurred in my apt. Then this happened! Are there any hopes?

    • Kevin May 7, 2014, 11:23 am

      There is probably hope. I think what you did was the right thing to do. You should follow the 5 step plan.

  • ana May 6, 2014, 5:43 pm

    I truly understand the no contact rule after a break up, and that is what i did. It lasted for more than 7 months. Neither me nor him contacted each other for that period of time, but 3 months ago, he began to text me. Actually he began to text me because of my whatsapp’s status. We are not keeping the conversation for days as we used to when we were together, he just says something about my status every time i change it, i reply to his comment, and that’s it. I don’t know what he is trying to do since we have never talked about our feelings after the breakup. I thought that he has already overcome it, but I am not so sure about it right now.
    The truth is, I still have some feelings for him. I don’t hate him, but I know that I need more time to forget my feelings about him, and that’s why I didn’t contact him for that long period, and I was willing to still doing it until I forget him.
    Things are changing now, even if I try not to contact him, he is the one that does it.
    I was the one that asked for the break up at the beginning.
    And i was looking for some help here and there in the internet. I like your post, but still confused.
    What should I do ?

    • Kevin May 7, 2014, 11:32 am

      You should get back in touch. Read the fourth step in the 5 step plan.

      • ana May 7, 2014, 8:38 pm

        why do you think so?

        • Kevin May 8, 2014, 1:34 pm

          You’ve already have had enough no contact. And if you want to give it another chance, one of you will have to reach out and make a move. Instead of waiting and wondering what he wants from you, isn’t it better to decide what you want and then take action to get it. If you want to get over him, cut contact with him and move on. If you want to get back with him, get back in touch with him and give it a try. If it doesn’t work, at least you’ll know that it will never work and you can stop wondering and move on.

          • ana May 8, 2014, 8:42 pm

            You are right. I think I would take the risk. Thanks for your advise.
            You should keep on writing more posts.
            They are very useful!

  • liah May 9, 2014, 9:47 am

    hi kevin,

    two months ago, me and my boyfriend for five years broke up. he left me for another girl. we were in a long distance relationship and we barely saw each other in person. our relationship was more on calling and texting. although he tried to see me, i was the one who refused to meet with him because i don’t want him to see me. this is because im a fat girl and i am very insecure and i was afraid that he might not like what he will see. then suddenly his workmate (a girl) started to flirt with him and he was not able to resist it and he gave in. they became a couple while we were still together, they had sex and everything. when i found out he told me that all he wanted was someone who is always there not like our relationship. and then i asked him if he loves the girl, then he told me that he does. but there was a time after the break up that he was sweet to me again and we were acting like we were a couple ( which i know is wrong) but i love the guy what can i do. anyway after a few weeks, we met face to face. i saw that he was very happy to see me and he was acting sweet. but i was very sad and i told him about what he did and he became mad. and then he went crying telling me that he missed me so much. we kissed after that and he hugged me real tight. after what happened he had to ride the bus home and never contacted me until the day after that. he became cold and he wasn’t that sweet. he told me that he was like that because he had problems with his new girlfriend. i was so devastated but i continued to contact him. and then one day i was calling him, he told me that the girl was there. and they had a fight because i called. he said a lot of hurtful things to me like he doesnt want me anymore, that he is already fed up and many more. after that i apologized but then he told me that we should just be civil with each other. he told me that he loves his new girlfriend very much and she is the one whom he sees in his future as his wife. now i do not know what to do. i really love him so much. is there still a chance that we’ll get back together? or should i just move on? hoping to hear from you soon. i’m desperate =(

    • Kevin May 11, 2014, 10:24 am

      Hey liah,

      I do think there’s a chance if you follow the 5 step plan, despite what he said. However, I’ll recommend you try only once and if it doesn’t work, you concentrate on moving on.

      • liah May 11, 2014, 11:46 am

        my ex texted me today (may 11). it’s supposed to be a special day for us because we always celebrate our relationship during the 11th day of every month. it’s my 5th day of the NC. all he texted was a smiley (^_^). i’m still following your 5 step plan. i did not respond. but i cannot remove the thought in my head that he might forget about me since he is already in a relationship. will this still work? =( by the way the girl is married and has a child.

        • Kevin May 12, 2014, 3:05 am

          He will not forget about you so soon. Continue with the plan. All the best.

          • liah May 12, 2014, 5:17 am

            hi kevin,
            he texted me again to day… same smily face.. twice =(. still following the plan though… thank you for helping… i hope this will work. i really love him so much =(

          • liah May 13, 2014, 3:54 am

            hi again,

            i have to be honest. i havent been really strict on the no contact. yes, i did not contact him for a week now and i haven’t been answering his texts too. but i have been checking his facebook account (i know his password and he gave it to me when we were still together). i know it’s wrong but it’s my only connection to him =(. desperate people can do silly things right? =(. anyway as i was trying to log his profile again, i found out that he already changed his password. does this mean that he is over me and does not want me anymore in his life? help me please. =(

          • Kevin May 16, 2014, 11:05 am

            No, it doesn’t mean that.

  • Sarah May 9, 2014, 3:50 pm

    Hi Kevin, me and my boyfriend broke up about 2 months ago, I didn’t start the 30 days no contact until after the first month, I origionally broke up with him because I was unhappy, he didn’t seem to want to make an effort with the relationship, I didn’t want to end things but saw no choice in the matter. I cant stop thinking about him, everyday I think about what I can do to win him back. after a month of the split I tried to arrange us meeting up and he declind so thats when i decided to start no contact. during the second week of the no contact period he messaged me via facebook while he was on a family holiday… just a general message and I havnt replied. We were together for over a year, Im beginning to lose hope, should I give up altogether?

    • Kevin May 11, 2014, 11:17 am

      I think you still have a chance if you follow the 5 step plan.

      • Sarah May 12, 2014, 9:22 am

        Thank you for your reply, I am worried though that as I have already gone to such effort to speak to him that after ignoring him for a month that he is going to be angry and so by trying to reconnect with him might make him more mad? Should I just wait for him to get into contact with me? I go on holiday next week and have set myself a goal of staying off any social media until I get back. What do you think? It was always me chasing him in the past, I think part of me knows he knows that I will always wait for him. And as much as I am inlove with him I don’t want to be the doormat ex he thinks he can always run back to (even though I probably am)

        • Kevin May 15, 2014, 3:00 pm

          Hey Sarah,

          I think reaching out to him doesn’t make you a doormat. What’s more important is how you talk to him and whether or not you are needy when you contact him. I think if you contact him using the methods in the 5 step plan, you will not look needy.

  • Tyrion May 10, 2014, 7:17 am

    Can I break the no contact rule to say grats for her birthday?

    • Kevin May 11, 2014, 1:15 pm

      Yes, but keep it short.

  • Kyron May 10, 2014, 3:30 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    Me and my ex gf have been together for 4 years, we been braking up and getting back together for the past last 8 months and our last break up happened 4 months ago, within the last month i had found out she has been seeeing someone and recently basically begged for her to take me back. She never denied that she still had feelings for me when i asked. I have 2 questions “Is this guy see seeing a posible rebound relatonship?” and “Is it too late for me to apply the no-contact rule since its been such a long period of time since we broke up?”

    • Kevin May 11, 2014, 1:23 pm

      Yes and no.

  • Stacey Jane May 11, 2014, 11:19 am

    Hey Kevin, I wanted to offer my update on my situation. Don’t know if you remember me but you have been very supportive the past few months. So, after some turbulent times today we met with my ex. It was not branded a date though it certainly felt like one. We had an amazing time, it felt just like when we first started dating. There was some serious bonding taking place, loads of eye contact, laughing etc. I am not sure if he was flirting with me though. We also stopped by the cemetery on our way back and took me along to visit his father’s grave which I thought was strange but it was very emotional. We did not talk about “us” or the nature of our meeting/relationship. He is the one who is desperate to have me in his life “as a friend” which is why I m not really getting my hopes up that much. I think it went well though, I was left with a pleasant aftertaste and I am sure he was too so maybe not all hope is lost. I don’t think we could have been in that position to be this comfortable around each other if we had not taken the time off to cool down. So once again a big thank you and I’ll update again if anything happens so that other people can see that progress is possible.

  • Tara May 11, 2014, 4:27 pm

    Can I do no contact for 2 weeks? What if he moves on – he’s already flirting with other girls? Hes cold towards me, says he doesnt want to open up to me says there’s no point, what do I do?! I don’t think I’m gonna last through no contact!! Help me

    • Kevin May 15, 2014, 2:04 pm

      If he’s cold towards you, 2 weeks is not enough time for no contact.

  • Haylie May 11, 2014, 5:47 pm

    Okay so almost a month ago my boyfriend and I broke. A week before we actually ended it he asked if we could try a one week break to see how things were, uneasy about it, I accepted it to avoid fighting. At the end of the break we had a casual phone call and talked like normal but decided to break up. Without realizing it was an actual rule, I was doing the no-contact rule. Though sometimes I broke it for a snap chat or something that was it. Recently, he contacted my friend and was asking a variety of questions about me like if I hated him and if other guys were trying to talk to me. He also told her he missed me, “a looooot.” But he never acted on it. So about a week after he did that, I decided to have a conversation with him and we’ve talked everyday this week. He again contacted my friend asking questions about if I’ve been talking about him and if so it was nice. He told her we’ve been talking lately and might hang out this weekend. When this weekend came, he ditched our plans and gave me excuses that he was going to be too busy and wanted to hang out with friends and what not. After talking for the morning of that day to explain we weren’t hanging out, we haven’t talked since. I tried snap chatting him but he didn’t reply. I kind of thought that I was getting a good lead again but I wasn’t trying to get my hopes up and here I am upset again.. What should I do now?

    • Kevin May 15, 2014, 2:07 pm

      Start no contact again.

  • Kat May 11, 2014, 5:55 pm

    What if my ex contacts me and tells me he wants me back within the 30 days? Still completely ignore and wait until the 30 days are over? Is saying that i need more time breaking the no-contact rules?

    • Kevin May 15, 2014, 2:08 pm

      If you are sure you want him back, you can reply to him. But don’t take him back immediately. Play it cool and let him prove that he really means it.

      Of course, if you need more time, then telling him you need time is not breaking no contact.

  • jay May 12, 2014, 2:29 am

    Hello kevin first i want to say sorry if my english is not too well because thi is not my first language
    i just need some advice about my ex girlfriend we’re
    little bit different because our situation is in a long distance relationship i’m 22 years old and she’s 20
    she broke up with me yesterday but there is no closure at all or reason why, she just deactivated her facebook account we’ve been in a Long
    distance relationship for almost 1 year and eventually she broke up with me yesterday
    this past month she just changed i don’t know why but she said that she is just got weary of our daily routine we talked almost everyday and it become
    a routine she told me that she wants to focused on other things but she told me that she still loves me but i get too needy and i always keep asking her that
    what’s the problem why she just changed i keep telling her that i love her so much and everytime i ask her questions about us and texting her to talk with me
    she just became angry and pissed off i try to give her space to just wait her to text me and become ok but she still cold and i feel like she doesnt care about me
    so i ask her again whats the problem again and again i know that i got so desperate to fix things up .
    right now after she blocked me or deactivated her account and no text from her telling me that we already broke up i started the NC
    what should i do? do i have a chance of getting her back? Thanks in advance!

    • Kevin May 15, 2014, 2:37 pm

      Yes, you do have a chance. Follow the advice in the article.

  • Lewis May 12, 2014, 11:46 am

    Hi, 2 months ago, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me.
    We were engaged. Currently she has depression and I am wondering if i should start no contact. We broke up because we stopped communicating and we have decided that we should write to each others about our feelings. I have been doing that till a few days ago when i decided i should have limited contact with her. any adivce? we are in a long distance relationship anyway

    • Kevin May 16, 2014, 9:19 am

      Tell her you need space and time to deal with the breakup and start no contact.

  • sam May 13, 2014, 11:12 am

    Hi Kevin,

    thanks a lot for helping us out who need advice at this moment.

    A coleague of mine has been in love with me since last 2 years.I didnt really reciprocate because I was already in another relationship.My coleague was really a good friend of mine and helped and supported me a lot in the last times. However I have managed to freak him beyond his threshold and he is applying the ‘no contact rule’ now. In the mean time I have broken off my old relationship.

    I tried to communicate with my coleague for the first one week. He blocked me from everywhere- phone, messengers. He is not even talking to any of our mutual friends.. not at all.. Then i stopped communicating and just sending him a postcard once in a while reminding him I am still there.
    However I am going crazy in mind since I want him back because I realized I truly love him. I am moving to another country with a new job in the next couple of months and I am really worried about loosing him. Do you think I stand a chance here?
    Please advise

    • Kevin May 16, 2014, 11:37 am


      If you are moving to another country for a long time, do you really think it’s a good idea to start a relationship with him right now? If you do, then I’ll recommend you apply no contact for one month and try to get in touch with him at least two weeks before you leave.

  • Ariel May 14, 2014, 1:03 am


    My boyriend for 15months broke up with me last week (May 4th) he said the passion is gone and he’s confused and don’t want to be in a relationship. I met up with him for closure we talked about his decision is final he even kissed me before I go. And I’ve been contacting him ever since I felt night I had a chance to change his mind but it ended up as I’m being annoying and needy. I’ve been crying for a week. I don’t know what else to do. He still sends me like snapchats but that’s it. I want him back I don’t want him to stop caring. That’s how I feel right now that he doesn’t care anymore. It looks like seems happy without me. What should I do? I don’t want him to move on.

  • Malik May 16, 2014, 12:37 am

    Hi Kevin how are you? Me and my ex was dating for 4 years and she broke it off with me 8 months ago…I starting begging for her back then eventually went no contact then she texted me out of the blue saying I had a dream about you last night 2 weeks ago….I then replied yesterday and got into some serious heated argument ..her last text was “I do have feelings which you don’t care about” I don’t know what to do anymore…do I reply? do I ignore or go no contact on her? everything is shambles…P.s her birthday is in a month if I do go no contact do I wish her happy birthday? Thank you for making this website I am sure you have helped many people

    • Kevin May 19, 2014, 12:22 pm

      Yes, go no contact again. You will have to work on your communication skills so you can avoid any arguments in the future. You can wish her birthday, but keep it short.

  • Isabelle May 16, 2014, 4:53 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me and I was caught by surprise because we were happy. We were in a long distance relationship. After a few days he started seeing a new girl. I accepted the break up and i have not contacted him since. I blocked him on all social websites and emails. But i do want him to want me back. How do I do it?

  • lm May 17, 2014, 9:07 am

    My long distance ex-bf ended the relationship because I added somebody on Facebook whom he didn’t like. I begged and cried … but all he said was no sorry, but he wanted communicate as friends. Using friendship to say he is re-opening his old Facebook etc
    Today I started the NC and usually I text first but today I didn’t. After few hours he texted goodmorning, you’re good? After a while I texted I am. he didn’t reply and I started NC again. Is there a good chance we’ll be together again?

  • Alicia May 17, 2014, 10:04 am

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex boyfriend broke up with me just over a week ago. We had been in a relationship for about 4 months. Our relationship was great! We communicated very well, no fights, we equally put effort into the relationship. I took the breakup gracefully. I accepted how he felt and I haven’t spoken to him since the night of the breakup. I haven’t texted him, called him, met up with him, nothing! My ex is not an emotional person and I fear that if I go 30 days of not speaking to him that he might move on. Especially since he told me that with his last girlfriend, after they broke up, he immediately moved on. He’s a go getter and he took the breakup as a sign to move on and improve his life. So I’m afraid that time is against me here. I don’t think he would make the first move to initiate contact, especially since I said I couldn’t be his friend. Also, he is a career focused person and he is about to go through a career change. I fear that with this change, he will focus entirely on that and forget about me.
    My question is, in my case, how long should I wait before I talk to him again?
    Thanks in advance!!

    • Kevin May 19, 2014, 1:57 pm


      If you want, you can make no contact a little bit shorter, like 2-3 weeks. But make sure you read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan before ending no contact.

  • Emily May 17, 2014, 4:42 pm

    Great article. I’m struggling here. I did the no contact thing, then after 24 hours he randomly started texting me looking for a reason to see me (he *thinks* he left a work shirt in my apartment and wanted to come over) then when I said I wasn’t home and was dry about it, he texted me a few hours later saying he wanted to be my friend etc. I agreed because I didn’t want to fight. We were texting playfully and in a very friendly manner for a few days, then he said he wanted to hang out. I suggested a movie (not too much pressure to talk) but he wanted to get coffee. It was not a good time for me so I said I had to see, then he basically went off on me saying, “Well, sorry this is the only time that works for me. I’m sorry but I don’t want my friends to know I’m seeing you.” Because, apparently, his friends think he’s whipped if *he* decides to get back together with me. (They’re all single [none have been in any serious relationship] and in this wolf pack and hate the fact that he has a girlfriend and doesn’t spend all his free time with his friends.) I got upset and freaked out because he contacted me first, he reached out with all that stuff, he started being all loving and affectionate to me out of nowhere over text… Long story short, we fought over text because I was mad about him sending me mixed signals, then he decided to just block me. Do I just do the no contact thing? I can’t seem to fight the urge to respond and reciprocate every time he reaches out. We only broke up 3 weeks ago and we’ve been doing this same drama (him always initiating first) almost every week. How do I break this cycle?

    • Kevin May 19, 2014, 2:19 pm

      Yes, apply no contact. If he contacts you again, just tell him you need space and time and you can’t talk to him for a while.

  • Ankit May 18, 2014, 1:46 am

    Hey Kevin

    I applied the no contact rule. She did text me after a month. we talked for about 5 days consecutively and then I felt she was going a bit cold so I went into no contact for 2 weeks,as advised by you. Yesterday, I saw her status on WhatsApp that says “those days are gone”. It’s got me worried and I think I need to talk to her now about the fight that we had and if she really wants to get back. She’s the one who asked for a break and I gave her a month to think about it, and went into NC. So any suggestions on how to go about it now?

    • Kevin May 20, 2014, 12:41 pm

      Talk to her. But don’t ask about getting back together yet. Ask her out. Meet up. Have a good time.

      • Ankit May 22, 2014, 2:38 am

        I will be leaving town in a month for my job. I need to get things sorted out before that.

        • Kevin May 22, 2014, 4:29 pm

          If you try to rush things, it might backfire.

          • Ankit May 26, 2014, 2:18 am

            I did as you suggested. Didn’t go the relationship topic but kept the conversation humorous and interesting. She comes up with things like “I was remembering you a lot this past week” and then follows it up by saying she had my namesake in a role opposite to her in some theater play she did at college. I just reply with smileys and stuff.

            I resumed wishing her good mornings like I used to when we were in a relationship. I wished her for 3 consecutive days but today, she got up earlier than me but did not wish on her own. So i have decided not to wish her anymore as it seems she really doesn’t want it.

  • Eddie May 18, 2014, 11:46 am

    Hey Kevin, I’ve been married 7 and a half years and have a 4 yr old daughter. I’m the more patient and caring parent, she gets easily frustrated and yells at our daughter for minor things. Despite this I’ll be the one separated from my child, that’s just the culture we live in. When my wife said she wanted a divorce I did plead somewhat. I’ve accused her of infidelity a few times. I’ve since backed off on that, she could be but I don’t know. We’ve been living together since she first said she wanted a divorce 7 months ago, we had a brief period of slight reconciliation for a couple weeks where we had regular sex and said “I love you,” but after another squabble she went back to insisting on divorce. That was about 3 months ago. Now I’m sleeping on the couch again and she went from tearful displays of regretting having to divorce me (but she “doesn’t have a choice”) and giving me kisses goodnight to becoming progressively more indifferent to me. Now she stays out as late as she wants often comes home intoxicated. She now treats me like an associate that doesn’t particularly like but doesn’t hate. All hints of warm feelings towards me have disappeared. Polite but aloof is the best I get. I’ve been waiting for her to tell me to move out because I don’t want to be the one to end it. She hasn’t set a date yet. So I’m in limbo. When I do move out it will be to move several states away back to my family to help me start over. Should I just bite the bullet and set a date for moving out and start no contact? Thanks

    • Kevin May 20, 2014, 12:54 pm

      Hey Eddie,

      I am sorry you are going through this. I think divorce is inevitable. But I’ll highly recommend you speak to a lawyer before moving out. It might go against you in the divorce settlement.

      • Eddie May 20, 2014, 3:13 pm

        Divorce may or may not be inevitable. My family is worth fighting for. I just need to know how to fight to give me the best chance of winning.

        • Kevin May 21, 2014, 2:33 pm

          Hey Eddie,

          Moving out will increase your chances. But since you will be moving to a different state, it’ll become harder for you to meet her and show her the positive changes in your life. Your best bet would be to get a place in the same city, and follow the 5 step plan. Again, moving out might go against you in the divorce settlement so I’ll recommend you speak to a lawyer before doing that.

          • Eddie May 21, 2014, 7:15 pm

            Thanks for the advice.

  • Sarah May 19, 2014, 2:04 pm

    I began the No Contact Rule today, 5/20. What if he doesn’t contact me during the 30 days when I began the no contact rule? Does it mean he is doing the same and trying to get over me? Does it mean he is waiting for me to contact him? Is he trying to forget about me? He broke up with me on our 9 month anniversary. He texted me the day after the break up and said, “Are you ok?” I was everything besides ok, I was a complete wreck. I admit I was the epitome of needy when we broke up. Will it be obvious to him that I’m avoiding contact? Even when we were together he said if anything ever happened to us it would be very difficult for him not to talk to me everyday because we are bestfriends… But so far today I haven’t received a text. Before I read bout the No Contact Rule and how successful it can be, I told him to call me so we can talk about things. He called last night, after I decided to try the No Contact and I rejected his call. We are still friends on FB and he likes my posts… But I don’t ever like anything on his page. I have no idea what’s going on in his head. I know I will have to see him in 2 weeks, because I wanted him to move out of my house after the breakup and he still has to get some things that he left. His job in the oilfield is how I know he will be back in two weeks to get the rest of his things. I know he will be back to get his things before 30 days, but I have high hopes that I will be a more positive and happy person by that time and when I see him I want him to notice how happy I have been without him.

    • Kevin May 20, 2014, 2:19 pm

      It could be any of the reasons you mentioned. No one can say for sure. The only thing you can do is concentrate on yourself and become a happier person.

  • Jay May 19, 2014, 8:55 pm

    It’s been one month and twelve days since my ex left me after five years and two kids. ARGHHHH!! I THOUGHT ONLY OTHER PEOPLE ENDED UP BEING SPLIT UP AFTER HAVING KIDS!! lol. I guess it’s me now… anyway I started no contact after one month, so this day 12 of NC. (Child visit rules applied with NC.)

    Every breakup and post-breakup are obviously different in some way and here’s mine. She left, my family hates her for it, I stil want her back. I think she felt quickly that she still wanted to be with me, but my family’s hatred is too much. Since the breakup she’s been in three relationships where everytime she points out huge problems with the guys and then leaves them. (3 relationships within less than 6 weeks of our breakup.) This is three rebounds, right? What do you think this type of behavior means for our breakup? Thanks man, you’re great.

    • Kevin May 20, 2014, 2:34 pm

      Yeah, that’s three rebounds. She is having a really hard time dealing with the breakup. She hates being alone and being in a relationship doesn’t satisfy her because she is not yet over you.

    • Jay May 20, 2014, 3:05 pm

      Thanks for the reply. I felt that was maybe the case here. I know I should still continue NC for at least the 30 days as in your post-breakup plan, and only time will tell whether or not we can still get back together. My thoughts of her now are that I still want to be with her, but I can’t be for sure at this stage. As you’ve stated, you shouldn’t feel obsessed after NC is finished and some people don’t even want their ex in the end. I know that the three relationships right after ours SHOULD definitely bother me. I suppose our true feelings come in the long run of being apart, for her, and myself.

  • Steve May 20, 2014, 2:42 pm

    I feel like I lost my best friend. Can we be friends or more?
    Hi Kevin, thanks in advance for your time and advice!
    I broke it off with my ex a couple of months ago. During that period of time we got back together as friends, slept together many times and had the same old abusive fights. Nothing changed! I wrote an email stating to her after our last big blow out, that it was no longer okay to say abusive things to me and to be verbally abusive! An agreement was made in harmony that we would move on and perhaps later be friends.
    I came across your website and I have followed the no contact rule for 25 days now (although) I did see her from a distance at the park, she spotted me and drove off, an hour later she texted me with an apologize saying she could not speak right now but loved me. I never answered the text as I’m on the no contact rule.
    She has seen me parked at the park a few times and has not stopped. She checks back an hour later to see if I’m still there and If I’m there she continues to drive by again without stopping.
    I saw her one day at a fast food place and decided not to stop. I drove by slowly, I was unsure of what to do? She was sitting outside on the phone on in deep conversation. She waved hello and I waved back and I drove off. Since then I saw her at the park and she saw me and I drove off.
    I have seen her in her car a few times and neither of us wave. In truth, I was looking for her at the park and when I see her I speed up to see if it is her so we can look at each other. I wanted to see her. I check my phone daily but no call or email.
    I’m at the point of wanting to email her and say the way things are going feels dysfunctional and there needs to be some contact if we are to remain friends.
    I went crazy inside last night and wanted to drive to her house and see if she was seeing someone but I pulled all my strength together and stopped myself from going there. I reminded myself that after sleep it would be better in the morning. So here I am writing this email to you that I hope you will answer.
    I think of her all the time. She was my best friend and knows everything about me! That is both good and bad. I miss her a lot! I have not made a lot of real changes but I have cried a lot on and off.
    I know I don’t want her back the way it was but I do want my best friend back. What do you suggest is the best thing I can do in this situation?

    • Kevin May 21, 2014, 2:30 pm

      Do no contact for another 2-3 weeks and then send her the letter mentioned in this article.

  • Yvonne May 21, 2014, 1:55 am

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex and I we’re together over a year but only officially together for 5 months. We were so happy together and everyone knew we were going to get married and people who didn’t know us always thought I was his wife. I broke up wit him January 30th (it’s now may 20) and I have been miserable ever since. I broke up with him because I saw text messages with him flirting with other women and I didn’t want to stick around to see if he would act on them. Immediately after I broke up with him we didn’t talk for a few days then he came to my house and we talked about working things out but didn’t get back together officially. Everything was great even better than before. One day he saw a male friend of mine and I coming out of my house and I just knew it was done. He was fine until my friend left and packed up his things from my house and texted me we should just be friends. I was devastated because the guy and I never had anything going on and I had told my ex about him before. I have been needy checking his twitter and Instagram, leaving voicemails and sending him text after text. I tried the no contact rule and he then texted me and we hung out at his house. He then said he wanted us to be REAL FRIENDS and that he didn’t fall out of love with me but he just suppressed his feelings for me because he wasn’t ready for a relationship. So I agreed and he said he wasn’t leaving my life unless I put him out. He is talking to someone new who lives out of state and the talk everyday and i am worried that we are really done. I am starting the no contact rule again until June 30th. I am worried because he travels for work and he will be in the state this lady lives in for two days although not the same city and I just don’t know what to think. Do you think there is still a chance I can get him back?

    • Kevin May 22, 2014, 1:50 pm

      There’s a good chance. Read the 5 step plan.

  • RAED May 21, 2014, 4:32 am

    Hi, Kevin.

    My girlfriend of 2yrs broke up with me telling me she doesn’t love me anymore except as a friend. She says wecan stay together but as a friend only. I’m hinting she’s having an affair withher officemate. Butshe told me there is nothingbetween them. She said she justfall out of love due to constant fights andmy clingy attitude. I want to use the NC ti her but it seems that she’s using it on me too. What if i do NC for a month and what if she does also. Then we are just both waiting for each other to chase one


  • RAED May 21, 2014, 4:39 am

    And btw, we’re 23 yrs old. And weare both gjrls.

    Im afraid of doing the NC because I feel like a month is too much. Because she’s the type of girl who is indelendent and mentally strong. I know she would not come after me.and im afraid that she just moves on and gets over it since she’s too busy.in our relationship i was the clingy one.and this is the only time in 2yrs that she told me she doesnt love me. And whatever comes from her mouth i knew she had decided on it long before shetells me.and im not even cool about her having a rebound.

    Please help. Thanks.

    P. S. I cannot find my comment 🙁

    • rosie October 2, 2014, 6:19 pm

      im in the same boat my ex and i were together 3 yrs she left me in a txt msg moved out when i was at work its been only twi months and she has a new gf already

    • mike November 3, 2014, 11:38 am

      Well the fact u think she’s not gonna chase you is a sign that u don’t have the confidence u had in the begining… do the NC even if u do talk everyday… she will wonder why she hasnt been able to talk to u and it makes u look less needy. she got jealous of ur relationship witch shows she’s not over u… make her miss you and be confident in yourself… u may find out that u are special and deserve better than being put on the back burner… ur in control if u play ur cards right

  • RAED May 21, 2014, 4:43 am

    And the last time i was trying to hook up with a beautiful girl and she found out. She keeps interrogating me if we are calling and asking me why am i fooling myself and her that she’s still the one that i love. I suspect she’s jealousand she is still in love with me but she declined that thought. Saying she is sure she doesnt love me nymore but is just mad because im making it loo like she’s still the one when in fact im planning to court someone else. What can you say?

    • Kevin May 22, 2014, 2:32 pm

      I say you should do NC. Even if she is doing NC, it’ll still be effective. The most important part of NC is concentrating on yourself and not making your ex miss you. I am not saying she won’t miss you. She will. But that’s not the main objective of NC. It’s for you to regain your confidence and composure.

      • RAED May 29, 2014, 10:20 am

        Hey, Kevin!

        We’re both doing fine now and we are friends as of this moment. I am little by little accepting the fact that we are not anymore together but I’m still somehow hoping for a reconciliation. I was planning to take a break also and to just stay as friends but I ave plans of oursuing her again months or a year after maybe. I think I need to rest too.

        Thank you so much!

        • RAED May 30, 2014, 1:10 am

          Hi, Kevin!

          I need your insight again. I’m not applying the NC rule because we do talk only at nightto check on each other. We were bestfriends for more than 5yrs and couple for more than 2years. When we broke up she’s the one who told me that it is fine to not talk and she’s hoping we can meet in the future wheni am already successful. So i guess she’s pretty serious on breaking it off to me since she’s the one who came up with the idea to get away from each other so that we can move on and it’s like her saying, “See you when i see around after many years”. It’s been two months that we have settled into being ‘just friends’. At timesim dropping hints and she knows I still like her and waiting but after all these 2months, she’s still convinced that she doesnt like anybody even me. I want her back but do you think she’s still open for reconciliation as ‘us’ or is she just being nice to me just because we agreed to finally being friends?


      • RAED May 30, 2014, 1:12 am

        So, reading between the lines of what you have said does this mean that I have to call it quits and just let her go?

        • Kevin May 30, 2014, 8:43 am

          Hey Raed,

          I think you really can’t know for sure if you should call it quits until you do at least one month of no contact. IF you stay in touch with her, you will never give her an opportunity to miss you and you will never learn to be without her in your life. What happens after no contact will give you a good idea about your chances.

  • Perni May 21, 2014, 5:45 am

    I posted a question earlier and still no reply. Did it ever get through? I even managed to like a pic of him on Facebook again.. But no direct contact.. Do I have to start nc all over again?

    • Kevin May 22, 2014, 2:40 pm

      I can’t find your comment Perni. Do you mind posting again? Please read comments guidelines before posting.

  • Biff May 21, 2014, 2:10 pm

    Dear, Kev relationship master. My girlfriend recently split up with me, arguments and all that stuff, both our lives are going terrible unrelated to our relationship(laid off, bankruptcy, depression, long distance, high stress, finances)which had a knock on affect. Obviously i tried to talk her round but then the next day i kind of agreed that it was for the best as both our lives need seriously sorting out and we couldn’t give each other the attention and support we needed. aaannyway, I started the no contact about the 12th of may, we had a major argument a week before that and she blocked me on whatsapp, but i can see her intermittently unblocking me (obviously to see if i have sent her anything, which i haven’t since she blocked me) the only issue that arises is we both have stuff of some value of each others that needs to be return (there has been no communication of this happening) do i return these items after the 30 days on my attempt at meeting up or should i resolve it beforehand? do i just post them up unannounced? or use them as part of a reason to meet up for lunch? I have been putting considerable effort into sorting my life out and reopened my dating account on a website we both met on originally. Is that a bad idea i mean it was only technically 11 days since we splitup from a 14month relationship? Its helped me a lot talking to other girls but will it have a negative affect on her if she discovers my profile? Cheers

    • Kevin May 22, 2014, 3:47 pm

      Hey Biff,

      Chances are, she has already discovered your profile. She will get jealous, might even get angry. She might make an account and start chatting with guys just out of spite. But it won’t do too much damage. And maybe it might help your case a little bit as well. Don’t use the things as an excuse to meet up. If she asks for them, return them. IF you need your things, ask for the right away. If not, ignore it for now. If things don’t work out, you can ask for those things later.

  • bill May 22, 2014, 6:45 am

    Hello kevin,

    its been over 6 weeks now since my ex broke up with me, and after the first 2 weeks we were talking and kinda arguing and i was pushing her away in the end, well thats how i felt, anyway after 1 months of no contact shes contacted me recently just seeing how i was a organised a catch-up, to be honest i was skeptical to catch up with her but in the end it was just a run around the local park, anyway the run was fine, it was just a simply run, but as the catch-up was ending as per say, she kept trying to grab my arm and then suddenly let go, and she kept bringing up what she missed,to be honest i’m curious to see what you think because its mixed signals i’m getting because since then shes been hot and cold with messaging like she will talk to me and then all of a sudden stop and not reply for a couple of days and then start again, so yeah just curious to see what you think

  • Tausha May 22, 2014, 10:16 am

    Your article was very informative and I enjoyed reading it.

    I am wanted to get back together with my ex-boyfriend. Long story, short.. my ex and I broke up 5 months ago. I initated NC for about 2 months and he reached out to me. We were going to try again but I pushed for a relationship and he bailed. We lost contact again for about a month or so. When we started talking again he was in a relationship and was living with her after a month of dating. I assumed this was a rebound and we kept talking. Last weekend he told her he wanted to get back together with me and wanted her to move out. We spoke the next day and told me what happend but also said he was confused and that he’s trying to figure out if he truly wants to get back together. I said a little bit too much such as; I love him and want to make a future together. He hasn’t contacted me since. So my question is, should I keep talking to him as just a friend or should I initiate NC once again?

    • Kevin May 22, 2014, 4:49 pm

      Back off for a while. Let him contact you. Don’t push him into anything and don’t try to pursuade him. Let it be his idea to get back together.

  • Perni May 22, 2014, 3:42 pm

    Hello! I am trying to add a post again about my situation..
    I met someone online before Xmas, and we talked a lot for a long time and decided to meet in February. Up until about the middle of April, we hang out together.. I know it’s not a very long period, but I felt I never met a guy I could be myself with that way and for the first time in my life I actually felt lonely when he wasn’t there. And I felt that he really really liked me.. We met maybe twice a week. But at the end, we had a stupid fight I deeply regret.. We had some minor argue mental before this as well but nothing serious, and every time we met we had a great time although we are very different..

    But during this fight (over fb), I got angry as he wasn’t going to join me at a party although he gave me every reason to believe so.. And I had felt a bit that he didn’t make me a priority and he was very busy with work and so on.. So I felt I had enough and yelled and said things I didn’t mean.. I told him right after that u was sorry about it all but he started to pull away from me and stopped answering my calls or my messages.. I must Admit that I sent a looot of msgs and called a lot and it was horrible for me that he never answered no Mather what I tried.. But during this time I have received two long msgs from him after nagging and he was telling me about personal issues and that he feel like being alone.. But when I met him he said he wanted a relationship and was all over me for a long time until he started to pull away.. I felt like I ruined it more and more as the few times he reponded, I nagged more and I felt that he pulled more and more away.. 🙁 and I have been very sad as I felt that something good could happend.. He even said hello on Facebook once but never answered more back.. I feel his behavior is very weird.. And hurtful as he hasn’t even talked to me face to face about it. So after a long while, for about 11 days ago I gave up my desperate behavior and wrote to him after a lot of mess that I wouldn’t contact him more and that he could contact me later or if he felt like it.. I felt a bit like a doormat saying that but I like him a lot.. But deep inside I know I have done everything wrong.. But I can’t stop thinking about him.. Is there any hope? He seemed very into before he started to treat me like air.. But I know I he feels bad as he told me and he even blamed things on his personal issues. But I am not sure if it is an excuse or the truth.

    I am on my 11th day of no contact but as he is kind of a cold type, I’m scared that he will just forget about me like that? I opened a lot to him and told him many things about me and he seemed so interested in me as a person.
    And do I have to start the Nc all over again if I liked two pics in face? I was weak..

    And should I ever contact him again? Or just let thin pass?…

    • Kevin May 23, 2014, 10:02 am

      You don’t have to start NC again. He will not forget about you so easily. There is hope. You should contact him after 30 days of no contact. Make sure you read the checklist at the starting of step 4 in the 5 step plan before ending no contact.

      • Perni May 23, 2014, 8:35 pm

        Hi and thanks for your answer. I just have to add something..
        I hope u understood from my post that we never were a couple but we were dating and didn’t see other people.. And during the fight we had over fb that I regret, he said he didn’t want us to stop seeing each other..
        I also have to admit that I nagged a lot, Cus I was so so sad.. I was very dramatic and the few times he bothered to answer, I had been nagging a lot before that Cus I felt so sad and desperate. But now I see that I overreacted and I wished I could have turned back time:( so there is hope even though I have been very needy? I have tries to get his pity and much else..

        And there is also still hope even though I told him that I wouldn’t contact him anymore? Cus I told him I couldn’t do this anymore.. And wouldn’t it be stupid of me to contact him after 30 days if I told him I wouldn’t take more contact towards him? And liking two pics on fb isn’t considered breaking the nc? I do feel a need to look at his Facebook although I try to keep away.. Should I delete him or keep him as friend there? Cus if I delete him, maybe he thinks I forgot about him?

        He is on a trip now, to an other country and he didn’t tell me about it. Actually he has kept his distance for a month now except for the two long messages I got.. I don’t want to loose hope though.. In the first message he opened up to me and told me about a personal issue that was the reason for him backing away and told me that he hadn’t talked about this with anyone else but me.. And told me that he pulled away from everyone sometimes.. And then I answered and he stopped texting and I got very naggy again.. And after me trying to contact him more, he sends a long message saying that he doesn’t know what to say or what to do and that he isn’t good at talking about emotions.. And also said that he would rather be alone than with someone but in the beginning he said the straight opposite.. And after me saying that everyone needs someone he said that it was a good point but that his life is a mess now.. And I haven’t seen him face to face since 4 weeks ago.. Is there still hope ? Cus he agreed for some weeks ago to see me and have dinner and talk about things but when the day arrived he was just gone.. Didn’t answered my question about when he was coming to my place or anything… I feel very confused about it all. And I still feel very down.. But I hope u still think there is hope for me.. ?:/ so I shouldn’t send him a message telling him I miss him? And ahould I be invincible to him on Facebook? Like staying offline the chat and so? Or just act as normal ?

        I am also afraid he will meet someone at his trip.. If so, is there still hope? Sorry for asking a lot.. Thanks!

        • Kevin May 24, 2014, 6:37 am

          It’s OK to contact even though you told him you won’t. It won’t make you look stupid. Liking pics on facebook is breaking NC and you shouldn’t do it again. But since it was a small thing, you don’t have to restart no contact. If looking at his facebook is making you obsessed, then you can unfriend him. He won’t think that you forgot him even if you delete him. There’s hope for you. Don’t send him any messages. You don’t have to be invisible on facebook. Even if he meets someone, you’ll still have hope, as it’ll probably be a rebound.

          • Perni May 25, 2014, 3:59 am

            Hi. Thanks a lot for your reply. I hope u also got that we were never in a relationship calling each other girl and boyfriend to others. Now he has posted something new from his trip but I will try to be strong and don’t contact or comment.. Although it hurt.. Cus it feels like he is all happy and has forgot about me even though he told me how he is these days for almost two weeks ago (when I did the nc).
            So the nc thing may work even though I told him I won’t contact him anymore? And yes, I told you this before but I also said he could contact me some day Cus I was weak at the moment but I told u this before.. At least I have been strong these days but it is tearing me up inside.. We did have a minor discussions while we were seeing each other but I felt we had a good chemistry I haven’t been feeling in a long time. And I really opened up to him and it hurts to think about. I even told him before I did the nc, about something that was going to happen in my life which we had a small talk about when we were seeing each other, and he didn’t even bothered to answer to that over text either.. He has treated me like air for a long time.. But what if he thinks I moved on? I am so afraid that this nc thing will just make him forget about me if I don’t like pics and so on.. But I will try to keep the nc .. Thanks!

          • Kevin May 28, 2014, 1:14 pm

            If he starts thinking you’ve moved on, it’ll work to your advantage. And yes NC will work even though you told him.

          • Perni May 28, 2014, 4:10 am

            Hello. I have been adding new comments and such but they aren’t showing ?..

      • Perni May 29, 2014, 4:23 am

        Thanks for all your reply Kevin! But I have no idea what to say to him when it’s time to make a move..? I’m in my 22 days of no contact now.. And what it he has changed his number or doesn’t reply? Should I try to write some other place?.. Cus I’m scared of that.
        And also, what to talk about if we ever meet? Isn’t it kinda fake to sit and talk about anything else than the situation that occurred ?

        And isn’t 30 days a bit long if your relationship didn’t last for more than a few months? Cus maybe he forgot all about me.

        • Kevin May 30, 2014, 6:51 am

          Hey Perni,

          OK I misread your last comment about seeing each other for only a few months. In that case, 2-3 weeks of no contact is sufficient. But you should still read the checklist at the beginning of step 4 before ending no contact. What to say when you contact him is written in the 5 step plan. And when you meet, exes are very much interested in what’s going on in their ex’s life. It won’t feel forced or fake. If they want to talk about the relationship, you can just say that it’s all in the past and it’s not necessary to talk about it.

          • Perni May 30, 2014, 4:57 pm

            Ok thanks. But could I still wait for 30 days? But I don’t know what to say when I contact.. And what if he don’t reply my text?.. Or what if he changed his number, what shall I do then? But wouldn’t he already have contacted me if he really liked me?

            And if he doesn’t reply me, how can I ask for us to meet?… But I don’t know what to write to him.. I’m on my 22 day of no contact but somehow I’m very scared of making a move Cus I dont know if he likes me anymore, has forgotten about me.. And I feel like I’m the looser here if he doesn’t answer… And thinking about me being needy in the past and all.. And again: wouldn’t he already have contacted me if he was still interested?.. And if he rejects me, should I just delete him? But everything else u have said to me still counts? Thanks ..

          • Kevin June 2, 2014, 11:39 am

            Hey Perni,

            You can use the “something reminded me of you text” in the 5 step plan. If you want, you can send him the hand written letter first. If he doesn’t answer, then you should do NC for another 2-3 weeks and try again. If he still doesn’t reply, you should consider moving on.

          • Perni June 2, 2014, 10:38 am

            Hi.. I am about to contact him soon so it would be nice if I could get an answer soon Cus I don’t know what to write even though I read the 5 step.. And I am afraid to be rejectes

          • Kevin June 3, 2014, 11:11 am


            Use the “something reminded me of you” text.

          • Pernil June 3, 2014, 4:29 am

            I don’t think a letter is the right thing to do as he scares easily.. I was thinking about just write a message.. Or is this wrong? I was also thinking about saying that a song or something reminded me of him but could I also ask for a name on a place since me and some friends are going there? What is best? Cus the first one is more personal I think.. Saying something remindeds.. I have to do it soon but I am so afraid to write something wrong …. But I guess I need to answer today or tomorrow but I think maybe he is on a trip. Is it best to wait until I’m sure he is home?.. And what if he changes number without me knowing? Thanks..

          • Kevin June 3, 2014, 12:55 pm

            It’s better to wait until he comes back. Use the song message. If he changes his number, you probably won’t hear back from him. In which case, you can use facebook or email to contact him after a few weeks.

          • Perni June 3, 2014, 4:23 pm

            I think maybe I would feel better to Feks remind him of the place we had our first proper date and ask for the name of the place since I want to go there again with aime friends? And even mention that I had a good time there with him or something? Cus wouldn’t it be weird to just mention a movie or a series or a song I thought he might like? Cus that’s my second option….sorry it just feel weird and even like a bit obvious that I am just contacting him to get his attention? Won’t he see right through it? Idk when he will be home, but soon i guess. Sorry for all my questions but i am afraid to make a mistake

          • Kevin June 4, 2014, 1:10 pm

            Well, it’s not entirely obvious. Of course, he might be suspicious. But if you don’t show any signs of neediness in your conversation, he suspicion will go away. I like both the options that you mentioned.

            PS: what is feks?

          • Perni June 4, 2014, 5:11 pm

            It means for example.. But I forgot that I was writing in English and not my own language :p so both options is equally good? I should do it soon right? But the problem is that I don’t know if he is at home or still away.. But the main key is to stay positive in the messages ? And relaxed? Thanks for all your answers! But if I have to wait a few weeks again if he doesn’t answer, what should I write then ?..

          • Kevin June 5, 2014, 11:45 am

            If he doesn’t answer even after a few weeks, then you should do NC again. But this time, you should realize your chances are very less and you should consider moving on.

          • Perni June 7, 2014, 5:43 am

            Hello Kevin.. I still haven’t contacted him Cus I am afraid of it.. Are you sure it is the right thing to do if I miss him? Cus everyone says I have to move on. And also, I don’t know if he is at home now or still on his trip.. Should I just do it today even though he may still be at his trip?.. And could I just say that I walked by a place that reminded me of him or is it better to use something with humor? Cus I still struggle with what to say.. I want to say something that doesn’t make it embarrassing for me if I don’t get a reply ..

          • Kevin June 8, 2014, 12:37 pm

            Hey Perni,

            If you don’t feel ready, wait another week or two. The text seems fine. It’ll not make you look needy. Don’t worry about it.

  • Aniel May 22, 2014, 9:13 pm

    I’ve been trying to contact through email and commenting on your post but haven’t got answer yet. So I’m 23 years old my ex boyfriend in 21 years old. We’ve been together only a year but it was a good relationship, we we’re both happy in the relationship. But suddenly he decided to break up with me (May 4th) and said that he is not ready for a long term relationship right now he wants to figure things out. I did every mistake possible called, text and even went over to see him (only once 2 days after he broke up) that made him further away from me. The last time we talked is through text he doesn’t want to talk anymore it was the very last time (May 19th) he said it’s over move on with our lives. I asked him if he’s with someone else or starting to like someone else, he said he wasn’t sure it was too soon to tell, and he’s not looking for anything right now whatever happen happens. Is it too late to do a NC rule? Even though he seems indifferrent to me now, he’s acting like he doesn’t care anymore. Please help.

  • liah May 23, 2014, 8:48 am

    hi again,

    i’ve been doing the no contact for 2 weeks already. yesterday i broke the no contact well, because i was too weak. =(. my ex messaged me on facebook telling me to text him because his new girlfriend (which he left me for) erased all our conversations including my number. if you could still remember, i was worried that he already changed his facebook password. yesterday, he told me while we were texting that his new gf was the one who changed his password. so there,,,, during our conversation, he told me that he misses me and he told me that he wanted to come over and visit my hometown because he missed the place. i also asked him how he and his girlfriend are doing and all he said was, it was meaningless because the relationship was only revolving around sex. i then changed the topic. i did not act all needy (well i guess). i just acted as normal and as friendly as i could. and then today, he did not even text me. i do not know what this means. do we still have a chance? should i start doing no contact again? i really love him but i do not know if we still have a chance or he is going serious on his new love. i really want him back Kevin. please help =(

    • liah May 23, 2014, 9:16 am

      by the way he also asked me why am i not texting him. he was waiting for a text from me but he never received one. i did not entertain the question and proceeded to inject a new topic.

    • Kevin May 23, 2014, 1:06 pm

      You have a chance. It’s definitely a rebound. Do no contact for another three weeks. If he contacts you, tell him you need some time and space.

      • liah May 23, 2014, 11:49 pm

        okay kevin thanks a lot. i hope this will work. =)

        • liah May 24, 2014, 2:53 am

          Today, he texted me again telling me that his girlfriend saw my message on facebook and she was mad at him. He even told me that we should be civil with each other when he calls me because his new girlfriend will be listening on our conversation. I then told him why not just do what his girlfriend wants him to do (which is not to communicate with me) but he refused to. I asked him if he was serious with the girl but he ignored my question. I do not know what to do. =(

          • Kevin May 24, 2014, 8:15 am

            Continue talking to him. Don’t show any signs of neediness. His new relationship will end eventually.

  • Cierra May 23, 2014, 9:41 am

    If your ex has been talking to someone else for the past month since you guys he broken up should you still try the no contact rule. During the 30 day no contact if your ex does not try to contact you should you still write him the letter and try to rekindle what you guys had/have or just call it quits and move on? Since it seems as if he has and he is not thinking about you.

    • Kevin May 23, 2014, 1:07 pm

      The answer to both questions is yes.

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