Text messages are one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal when you are trying to get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back. But you must use them correctly or you might end up losing your ex forever.

This in-depth guide will tell you how to use text messages correctly (with examples) when you are trying to win your ex back.

Why text messages and how you can use them to get your ex back?

If you call your ex all of a sudden, they will probably think that you want something from them.

If you send your ex an email, it’ll be impossible to have a conversation with them. This makes it look like you don’t want to speak with them, alluding to the conclusion that you want to move on or you just want closure.

But a text message has the right amount of ambiguity. It leaves enough doubt for your ex to wonder what is going on with you and why you are contacting them. This curiosity gives you a unique opportunity to make them attracted to you again. To build rapport. To build trust.

But there’s a catch. You can’t just text anything to your ex and expect them to start feeling attracted to you. Would you feel attracted to someone who texted you something like this?

Hey, I still want you back. Please come back to me

Or

“I don’t think I can ever find someone like you. Please come back.”

Or

“I am sorry for cheating on you with your best friend. I’ll never do it again. Please come back.”

You cannot simply send them anything that comes to your mind. In fact, if you text your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend the wrong way, you will most likely turn them off and make them lose attraction, connection and trust. And that’s where I come in.

My name is Kevin Thompson and I’ve been helping people with breakups and getting their ex back for the past five years. Over the years, texting has become an important tool to reconnect with your ex after a breakup. So I decided to create the ultimate guide for the art of using text messages to get your ex back.

This guide is designed to help you get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back with the right text messages. Text messages that build attraction, connection and trust. It’ll teach you how to text your ex for the first time after no contact, how to turn your text messages into deep meaningful conversations and it’ll teach you how to transition from text messages to a phone call or a date.

This guide has five parts.

  1. When you should text your ex
  2. The Basics of texting your ex
  3. Texting your ex for the first time
  4. Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
  5. Transitioning from Text Messages to a Phone or a date

In case you’ve not yet read our guide on getting your ex back, you should go ahead and do so [it’s free]. This will give you the full picture and a plan to follow. This article only focuses on texting an ex. But if you want to get your ex back and keep them permanently, you need to know about a lot of things other than texting.

Guide On Getting Ex Girlfriend Back [Opens in a new window]

Guide On Getting Ex Boyfriend Back [Opens in a new window]

Alright, now that you’ve read the article and are ready to get your ex back permanently. Let’s start.

Part 1: When Should You Text Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend?

Before you text your ex, you must have answers to a few very specific questions.

  • Why are you texting your ex?
  • Why do you want to get back together?
  • Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
  • What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

If you’ve just broken up and landed on this article, then there’s a good chance that your answers to the above questions will be something like this.

Why are you texting your ex?

  • Because I want to get my ex back.
  • Because I miss my ex.
  • Because I just want to speak to them.
  • Because I have a few questions and I want closure.

Why do you want to get back together?

  • Because I love my ex.
  • Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
  • This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.

Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?

  • Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
  • Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
  • Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.

What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

  • I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
  • I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
  • I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.

Now, I am not sure if you see what’s wrong with these answers, so let me analyze them for you and tell you why answers like these show that you are not ready to contact your ex.

Are you sure that you are contacting your ex for the right reasons? Want to skip ahead to the next part of this article? The part where I talk about texting? Click here to scroll down to the next section of this article.

Why are you texting your ex?

  • Because I want to get my ex back.
  • Because I miss my ex.
  • Because I just want to speak to them.
  • Because I have a few questions and I want closure.

Analyzing Answers:

You should only text your ex if you want them back.

If you are texting them to get closure, you are just wasting your time because there is a good chance the answers to your questions will give rise to new questions.

It will not give you closure and it will certainly not help you get over them. If you are texting your ex boyfriend or girlfriend because you miss them, then it will just make you look needy and desperate and it will make them not want to text you.

Why do you want to get back together?

  • Because I love my ex.
  • Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
  • This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.

Analyzing Answers:

Do you notice how all the above answers are about what you want and not your ex or your relationship?

Why would this work if your ex doesn’t love you, if your ex can live without you, and if the breakup is not as painful for them as it is for you?

None of those reasons are good enough for your ex to even consider getting back together.

But let’s just focus on yourself for a moment. Are these reasons good enough for you to want them back?

Sure, you love your ex now, but you can move on and start loving someone again.

After all, everyone in this world has the capability to move on from a breakup and start loving someone again. It’s the way humans are built.

Sure, you feel the breakup pain is too much for you right now. But studies after studies have shown that you can recover from a breakup. With time and proper care, you heal and start feeling better, happier, and more confident.

Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?

  • Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
  • Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
  • Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.

Analyzing Answers:

Again, all these reasons are focused on you and not really give an incentive for your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend to want to get back together.

In fact, reasons like this show that you are just focused on yourself and don’t really care about what your ex wants. They also show that you are insecure and needy.

Why would they get back together with someone who is so selfish and insecure?

But, I will do anything to get back together. How is that selfish?

Just because you will do anything doesn’t mean your reasons for getting back together are altruistic. Let’s look at your answers to the third question.

What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

  • I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
  • I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
  • I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.

Analyzing Answers:

If you can realize your mistakes now and can stop yourself from making them again, why didn’t you do it while you still had your ex?

If it was so easy to stop making mistakes, then you wouldn’t have let your ex leave you in the first place.

In reality, it takes a lot of work and a lot of time to make real changes in your behavior and habits. It takes a lot of self-awareness and practice to stop making your insecurity and neediness affect your relationship. In a lot of cases, it takes professional help to let go of the bad habits that ruin your love life and relationships.

In fact, if you just broke up, then there’s a good chance you don’t really understand the real reason you broke up. Take this quiz to help you understand why you broke up and what are your chances of getting back together.

If you just broke up, your ex has no reason to believe things will be different this time. And they will have no reason to want to try again.

If you want to get them back, you will actually need to make a lot of positive changes in yourself. Again, read the 5 step plan to learn how to do that.

The answer to these questions are important. You must be clear why you want to get back together and you must be sure that things will be different this time. Then and only then you will be ready to contact your ex.

Of course, you should also do no contact before you text them. You can also send them a short email or a hand written letter before you decide to text them for the first time. More about no contact, the email and the hand written letter can be found in the 5 step plan to get your ex back.

Should you text your ex on their birthday or special occasions?

If you are doing no contact, then you should avoid texting your ex during birthdays or any other special occasions. Texting them on birthdays or special occasions does not accomplish anything. Moreover, they might feel like you are using the special occasion to get back in touch with them. And that will make you look desperate.

If you really want to wish them on birthdays or on a special occasion, it is best to keep the text short and to the point. For example, a birthday text should be something like this.

Hey, Happy Birthday!. I hope you have a great year ahead.

You should not use the text to start a conversation. For example, this text is not recommended when you wish them birthday.

Hey, Happy Birthday. I have been missing you. How have you been?

See, this text makes it obvious that you are using your ex’s birthday to start a conversation with them. This will turn them off and make them not want to talk to you.

What if my ex’s birthday fall at the end of no contact?

In this situation, I recommend that you extend no contact for another week or two. You can wish them on their birthday but you should still stick to the script and keep the conversation short.

What if my ex wants to speak to me after I wish them?

If they respond to you asking a question, answer to them in an upbeat manner but don’t give them anything to extend the conversation.

For example,

Thank you. How have you been?

I have been doing well. Thank you for asking.

Part 2: The Basics of Texting Your Ex Back

Texting your ex doesn’t have to be very complicated. All you have to do is understand the basics, follow a few templates and just go with the flow. In this section, we will talk about the basics.

Here’s what you should aim to achieve when you are texting your ex.

  • Make them crave your text.
  • They should be excited to receive a text from you.
  • They should be looking forward to having a texting conversation with you.
  • Make them associate texting you with something exciting.
  • Make them want to reply to you immediately after they receive your text.
  • Make them start initiating texting conversations with you.
  • Make them want to take it to the next level (phone calls or a date).

exciting ex with text messagesTo achieve that, you must remember the golden rule. The golden rule of texting your ex is to never send a negative text to your ex.

Here are some examples of negative texts that will probably make your ex not want to receive texts from you.

You are horrible human being for doing what you did. I am glad you are out of my life.

If you don’t answer my texts, I’ll burn every love letter that you wrote for me.

How can you just leave your son like that. You are terrible father/mother.

You are not fooling anybody by acting aloof. I know you are miserable and I hope you stay miserable for the rest of your life.

I need you in my life. I can’t live without you.

Hateful texts, threats, needy texts and any negative text in general is a big no. You can never make them associate texting you with something exciting if you send the above texts even once.

To make them associate you with someone exciting and your texts with something exciting, you must be consistent in your texting.

You must be able to consistently provide exciting and interesting conversations.

If you can’t they will either label you as boring, needy, or just a negative person.

What if I already sent a lot of negative or needy texts?

Do no contact for a while. This will give them time to forget all the negativity and maybe even start missing the good times they had with you.

You can also use the “Elephant in the Room” text discussed later in this guide to swipe the slate clean and start over.

The Frequency of Texting.

Ideally, you and your ex should text each other every day.

You know how lovers text each other? The first text in the morning and the last text before sleeping?

That is the type of frequency you want to achieve. But, you must take it slow. Very, very slow.

If you immediately start messaging your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend every morning and every night, you are going to sound an alarm in their brain that will make them put all their defenses up.

But if you start with just one text message and slowly very slowly start increasing the frequency, they will probably not notice.

It will feel very natural to them and they will feel the attraction and connection you build is also natural. Heck, if you do it right, they will start increasing the frequency of text messages and there’s a good chance they will start talking about getting back together.

OK Kevin, but how do I do that?

Here’s a sample timeline for texting your ex. This can change depending on your situation, the intensity of the conversations you are having and how often your ex initiates texting.

  • Day 1: First text message and a short conversation.
  • Day 2: Don’t initiate texting. If your ex initiates, reply to them but end it as soon as possible.
  • Day 3: Same as Day 2.
  • Day 4: Initiate the conversation. Make it longer than your first conversation but not too lengthy. Give them something to think about.
  • Day 5: Same as Day 2
  • Day 6: Don’t initiate. If they initiate, reply and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
  • Day 7: Initiate and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
  • Day 8: Same as Day 6.
  • Day 9: Same as Day 7.
  • Day 10. Initiate a conversation in the morning, and in the evening. Continue each conversations for as long as you like.
  • Day 11: Same as Day 6
  • Day 12: Same as Day 7
  • Day 13: Same as Day 7
  • Day 14: Same as Day 10

Makes sense? Just mix it up a bit and keep having interesting conversations with your ex. Slowly, but steadily keep increasing the frequency until they are used to having you text them and they are used to initiate texting.

Miscommunication and Negativity in the conversation

If you and your ex are speaking to each other on a constant basis, there is a good chance either one of you will encounter miscommunication and/or negativity in the conversation. Here’s what to do when you encounter them.

Miscommunication

Whenever you encounter a miscommunication, it’s best to clear it straight away instead of waiting your ex to figure out what you said.

This can easily happen if you are using sarcasm in your messages. It’s best to avoid sarcasm in text messages unless you are absolutely sure your ex will get it.

sarcasm-texting-ex

Similarly, if at any time, you are not sure about what your ex is saying or if they are being sarcastic, it’s best to ask them clearly what they mean instead of trying to figure out what they meant.

Negativity

Whenever you feel the conversation is going to take a negative turn, you have three options.

1. Try to end the conversation and try again after a couple of days.

2. Try to resolve the issue without speaking about it in detail.

3. Talk about the issue in detail and clear things out.

If you’ve just started speaking to your ex, then I recommend you choose the first option. If your ex still feels negatively about you, the breakup or the relationship; then he/she is not ready to open up and speak about the issues in a calm manner. In this situation, it’s best to acknowledge the negativity and your ex’s feelings, apologize if necessary and end the conversation.

For example,

I can’t believe you can be so selfish. You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.

I understand how you feel. I was selfish and I am sorry for what I did. I am learning more about myself every day and I’ve realized why I acted the way I did. I feel that you and I both need some more space before we can speak objectively. I hope we can speak soon and I want you to know that I’ll always wish you the best.

If the conversation is about to take a negative turn but it’s not very serious, you can acknowledge the negativity and the reason for it and try to move on.

For example,

Yeah, we had fun in the Bahamas. I wish you hadn’t been busy with your laptop all the time.

You can sense that your ex is upset about you not being present when you were supposed to spend quality time with them. You can acknowledge the issue without offering a solution.

Yikes! I actually saw that coming. You are right though. My schedule was all over the place. I wish I had spent more quality time with you when I had the chance. Well. Live and learn I guess.

If the conversation is about to take a negative turn and the issue is serious, then you might want to speak about it in detail. For example,

It seems you have really changed. I hated it that you never gave me space. I almost felt like you want to control everything in my life.

You are right. I did want to control everything around me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and even gone to therapy. I realized my habits were formed when I was a child. I never really felt loved because my parents were always busy with work. When I fell in love with you and realized you loved me too, I was doing everything in my power to not lose it. I was controlling everything out of fear of losing my love. I’ve now realized how unhealthy it was, both for me and our relationship. I’ve realized a lot of my other unhealthy habits as well. Anyways, this is too much to talk about via text messages, do you want to get on a call?

Notice that if it’s a serious issue, it’s best you take the conversation to a phone call. But before you ask them to do so, you should give them a good reason to believe that you have really changed. And at no point of time you should speak to them about getting back together.

WhatsApp, iMessage, Line, Viber, Snapchat. What should you choose to text them?

There are so many apps you can use to text your ex. Which app is the best?

It’s simple. Use the app you know that your ex uses most. Some apps do have an advantage over others, but those advantages are very minor and if you use the strategies laid out in this guide, those advantages will not matter at all. For example, WhatsApp gives you the ability to see if a message has been read by your ex while line and viber gives you a range of emoticons and animations to choose from.

Almost all the apps today can send Gifs. You can use Gifs to make references to your favorite movies or TV shows. (Download Giphy to get access to a lot of Gifs). However, make sure that you use Gifs sparingly and only if your ex responds to them with positively. Gifs cannot be used to build attraction with your ex. But they are good for an occasional laugh.

Part 3: The First Text for Your Ex aka What to text your ex after no contact

Your ex is probably expecting a text from you after you broke up with them. But texting them immediately after a breakup is a mistake. You should do no contact before you text your ex. Take some time out for yourself, work on yourself, make some positive changes in your life and make sure that getting back together is the right decision for you.

What to text your ex boyfriend or girlfriend after no contact?

Once you have done no contact and you are absolutely sure you want your ex back, it’s time to initiate contact. Your first contact with your ex can be in the form of an email, a hand written letter or a text. You can read the guide on getting your ex back for more details on the email and hand written letter. This guide will focus on how to text your ex after no contact.

When you first contact your ex, you can use one of the following templates.

The Memory Text.

This one is quite famous and you’ve probably come across it. You simply use something to make a connection with your ex and say that it reminded you of them. The key to this text is to keep it light hearted. If possible, add a little bit humor. You want them to believe that you are no longer needy or desperate and that you will not really try to talk about getting back together.

For example,

Hey, I was just walking down the St Johns street and came across that restaurant with amazing Shawarmas. Reminded me of you (and how we went there after watching Avengers). How have you been?

Hey, I just watched the latest season of Game of Thrones. You were right. Jon Snow really doesn’t know anything. It made me think of you right after I almost cried in excitement. Anyways, how have you been?

You can also mix it with something that’s been happening in your ex’s life.

For example,

Hey, I finally got around to reading the Harry Potter books. You were right. I should have read them long time ago. But, hey I got to experience the Hogwarts magic at 28. Speaking of magic, how was your show at the club last night?

The Advice Text

One of the easiest way to get someone to feel good about themselves is to ask them for advice. People love to give advice and you can use this to your advantage when you are trying to re-spark attraction with your ex with text messages.

The key to this text is to find something your ex is an expert at, or is at least interested in.

But before asking them, ask them if you can ask them about it. Makes sense? It will in a second.

For example,

Hey, my nephew has this weird math problem that none of us could solve. Can I ask you about it?

Sure.

See, how you are taking their permission before asking them the question. This almost guarantees a response from them because they want to know the question.

We just can’t figure out what is the square root of 16.” [Note: come up with a better question than that]

Oh, that’s simple. It’s 4.

Wow. Thanks a lot. I was always amazed at what a genius you are at math. How have you been?

This template is great to get your ex to respond to you. You totally fly under their radar when you ask them for advice. Here’s another example using the same template.

Hey, my friend just started cooking and he asked me a weird question. I am totally confused. Can I ask you about it?

OK

Is it okay to add onions when I am cooking a steak?

Umm, if it’s a good quality steak, it’s probably best not to add any onions. But if you want to experiment, go ahead.

Thanks. I love how you are so good at cooking anything. And I loved the chili you made for me that day. Where did you learn to make it?

Again, come up with better questions than that. I am totally pulling this out from nowhere as I am writing this article and if you use the questions in the above examples, your ex will probably see through them.

Make your questions genuine and be genuinely curious about their answer.

The Elephant in the Room Text.

elephant-texting

What if your break up was really bad? What if you made a lot of mistakes after the breakup? What if you acted needy, desperate, creepy and maybe even stalky? What if you cheated on your ex? What if your ex cheated on you?

If you fall in any of the above category, then there is a good chance you will not be able to use any of the first text messages as templates to get back in touch. If the last thing your ex said to you was something along the lines of

“I hate you. Please never contact me again.”

You can’t just act as if it didn’t happen and just casually start talking about how Jon Snow knew nothing in the latest episode of Game of Thrones.

jon-snow-texting-ex

I am not obsessed with Jon Snow. I just haven’t watched the latest season yet. (No spoilers in the comment section.)

If you do that, your ex will be weirded out and think you are crazy.

You have to acknowledge the elephant in the room. You have to clean the slate so you can start again. This is when the Elephant in the room texts come in handy.

How do you go about it?

You’ve got to mention three things in this Text.

1. Apologize for whatever happened during the breakup

2. Acknowledge that you’ve accepted the breakup and have healed

3. Tell them how you’ve changed (For example, learned how you were needy and started working on yourself.)

Once you’ve sent the Elephant in the room text, you have to lay back for at least a week or two before you can use any of the other templates mentioned in this guide. (Note the Elephant in the room text is especially useful if your ex girlfriend is dating a new boyfriend or if your ex boyfriend has moved on to a new girlfriend)

Now the Elephant in the room texts need to be unique for every situation. But I have a lot of readers and clients who go through many similar situations. This has given me the opportunity to come up with a lot of templates for the Elephant in the room texts. I am still working on a report that will list all these templates. If you are interested in the report, just take the quiz and subscribe to the Ex Back Permanently Basics series. I’ll notify you whenever the report is complete.

Part 4 : Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust

Once you’ve texted your ex for the first time and have received a positive response, you need to start rebuilding attraction connection and trust with your ex.

Texting is a great medium to do so when your ex still has leftover negative feelings from the breakup and they don’t want to give you any false hope.

You probably have read a lot about texting from different articles on the internet. You might have even come across some articles that claim to be the best article on the internet. But if you notice, they will all give you a one size fits all solution to texting your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend.

The truth is, your ex is unique. Your relationship with your ex is unique. What attraction means to them is unique. What chemistry means to them is unique. What trust means to them is unique. What might work for someone else, will not necessarily work for you. So before you move forward with this, you must understand your ex and what attraction, connection and trust means to them.

Here’s how you go about doing this.

1. Building Attraction with text messages

You know your ex better than anyone else. What is it that your ex found attractive in you in the first place?

Do you know how sometimes people say “He/She is not my type.”?

What do they mean by that?

Sure, sometimes it is referring to a physical quality of the person. They may be referring to their height, weight, hair color, or skin color.

But in most cases, whenever someone says, “He/She is not my type”; they are referring to that person’s personality.

It could have something to do with them being an introvert or an extrovert, or it could have something to do with them being honest and trustworthy. It could have something to do with them being active in sports or the fact that they are an academic.

Different characteristics appeal to different people. You need to find out what are the things that appealed most to your ex and what turned them off.

For example, suppose your ex is an introvert and they don’t really care about meeting new people and hanging out in social gathering.

And suppose you sent them a text like this.

“I just went out to this crazy party last night with a couple of friends. It was amazing and I wish you were there with me.”

Do you think that will make your ex more attracted to you?

When you send a message like that, you will probably turn them off because you are forcing them to imagine themselves in a situation they don’t find much appealing.

On the other hand, a message like this might be more appealing to an introvert.

“I went to my uncle’s cabin over the weekend. We were surrounded by birds, dense forest and we spent the weekend re-reading Harry Potter for the fifth time and reenacting some scenes from it. It was amazing and I wish you had been there.”

Imagine how this would make an introvert feel. You are displaying qualities that you know your ex is attracted to. You are also making your ex imagine what it would have been like being with you and spending time with you. A message like this will earn you some attraction points from an introvert.

You should be able to craft messages like this to display positive qualities in you and at the same time making them imagine what it would be like being with you.

But, you must take things slow. And you must be subtle about it. For example, if they are an avid sports fan, you can’t just say something like this.

“You know I’ve started watching NBA as well. If we get back together, we can watch it together.”

That will definitely make your ex put their defenses back up and make them think you are needy and a doormat.

But you can do something like this.

You will not believe what just happened.

What?

My aunt got me seats to an NBA game and I figured why not. My friend and I went to the stadium and OMG. This was the best experience ever. And now, I watch all the important games. I finally understood why you spent so many nights stuck to the TV.

2. Building connection and trust using text messages

You develop a connection and trust with someone you spend a lot of time with. Go back to the beginning of your relationship with your ex. You probably didn’t trust each other much and you didn’t feel a deep connection. But as time went by, you started trusting each other and felt a deep connection with each other.

Sometimes it takes months and sometimes it takes years to develop a connection and trust with someone

There’s no two ways around it. Building connection and trust takes time. A lot of time.

But the good news is that you and your ex already had a pretty solid connection. You were both together for a long time and probably trusted each other. There’s a good chance you both still feel a deep connection to each other even after doing no contact for a while. And even after everything has happened, a part of you will always trust each other.

So how do you capitalize on that?

You build connection and trust by being honest and vulnerable in a way you have never been before.

I know what you are thinking.

I desperately want my ex back, if I be honest about my desperation, how can it build a connection with them?

Well, you don’t. If your honesty is coming out of desperation and neediness, it’s going to backfire and you will probably push your ex away.

This is why I recommend again and again to take some time off, work on yourself, learn to be happy, become confident, become a better version of yourself, become You 2.0 before contacting your ex. This way, you can truly be honest with them when you say that you are Okay with whatever happens.

Let’s say your ex calls you out and asks you if you are texting them because you hope to get back together. You might feel like a deer caught in headlight.
texting-honesty

So, what do you do? Do you lie? Do you ignore them? Do you be honest?

I recommend being honest. After all, you don’t want to build your new relationship on lies and deceit. But honesty can work both in your favor and against it.

Here’s an example of a needy person being honest.

Honestly, I still want you back. I don’t think I can ever find someone like you and I have been miserable without you.

And here’s an example of confident person being honest with their ex.

Honestly, a part of me does want to get back. But I am okay with whatever happens. I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was for the best. I am in a good place right now and to be honest, I am texting you just because I miss speaking to you. I don’t have a goal or an ulterior motive for texting you. I just want to see what happens.

See how that message doesn’t make it you look needy or desperate. Moreover, this removes any pressure from your ex. In all possibility, they also want to see where this goes considering you have changed quite a bit. They know that they will not hurt you by leading you on because you are no longer needy and desperate.

Here are a few other ways to be honest and vulnerable while building a deep connection and trust with your ex.

– Speak about what you’ve learned during no contact.

– Speak about your insecurities and how you’ve let them ruin your relationships in the past.

– Speak about how you truly feel about important things in life. Things like life, religion, politics, relationships, love, life partner, career. (Note: If your ex has an opposite view on one of these topics, it’s best to avoid them.)

– Encourage them to be vulnerable. When you are honest and vulnerable, you encourage them to do the same. Conversations like this can turn meaningful and eye opening for a lot of people.

– When they speak, truly listen to them. Try to understand how they feel and try to see things from their perspective.

– Ask them creative questions. Questions that make them think more about themselves and can lead you to more meaningful conversations.

Here’s an example of using a creative question to start a conversation.

Hey, someone asked me an interesting question the other day. It made me think a lot about my life. I want to ask you the same thing. Should I go ahead?

Sure

If there is one thing you can change about how your career is going what would it be?

Umm. I guess I will decide to start my own studio instead of working for this soulless company.

You know, I always wanted to tell you to start your own studio. You are so amazing at interior designing. Honestly, I think you would do great. What do you think is stopping you from doing so?

I don’t know. I never really got the time to think about it. I always wanted my own studio when I was in college. I guess I got complacent when I got a job.

From here, you have an opening to talk about a lot of things. You can talk about your or your ex’s dreams in college, about working at your job, about business ownership, about arts or interior design, or about your own insecurities at your job.

A Note on Rebuilding Trust

If you broke your ex’s trust during your relationship, then there’s a good chance they won’t be open to rebuilding a connection with you unless you at least give them some hope that you can change. You must show them that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild their trust. And this should start with a deep insight for your actions, your reasons behind those actions and what you are doing to change that. You can read more about this in this article.

You cannot rebuild trust by text messages alone. But you can start by being vulnerable and honest. Refer to the checklist above on how to start being vulnerable and honest with your ex.

Part 5: Moving on to phone calls and a date

Phone Calls

Texting is great when you are just starting to speak with your ex after doing no contact. But it’s not nearly as good as a phone call or a face to face meeting. You have a lot of advantage when you are on a phone call with your ex. You get to speak to them as you would speak to a lover. You get to listen to their voice and they get to listen to yours. You get to listen to their tone and they get to listen to yours. You can develop a much deeper connection because you are actually talking to your ex instead of just texting.

I recommend that you try to get your ex on a call whenever you get the opportunity.

For example, suppose you and your ex have been speaking regularly for a while. You’ve decided you are ready to speak to them on the phone and you want to take the plunge. You can use a simple excuse in between the conversation.

And Nathan couldn’t balance himself and fell face first on the cake. I died laughing.

LMAO

Hey, I am getting in the car to drive. I can’t stop laughing. Wanna get on a call and continue this conversation?

sure

*you call your ex*

See, how simple that was. The only thing that’s needed is for you to ask. And now, you can actually laugh together instead of sending acronyms of a phrase that says you are laughing (LOL).

You can also ask them to get on a call without any excuse. But before you do that, you must be speaking to each other regularly and must have built enough rapport with them. To ask them on a call just say something like.

Hey, wanna speak on the phone? I am kind of tired of typing.

Asking them out

Asking your ex out is a big move. Most exes are wary about going out with their ex partners because they think this might give you the wrong signal and make you put your hopes up. This is why you should not ask your ex out until you have built enough connection, attraction and trust with them.

Before you ask your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend out, you should be speaking to them on the phone regularly and texting regularly for at least a week.

In a lot of cases, your ex will ask you out after you’ve built enough attraction and connection with them. But if they don’t, you can use this simple template to ask them out.

Hey, I’ll be in [area near your ex’s house or office] tomorrow, wanna catch up for coffee?

Keep it simple and don’t pressure your ex. If they say they are not sure, just give them a gentle push without making it look like you are forcing them. For example,

I am not sure if that’s a good idea.

Come on. It’s just coffee.

Umm, alright. I’ll see you at 6.

It’s very important that you don’t call it a date. Using words like “Catching up” or “Hang out” is a good idea.

If you wanna be adventurous, you can even ask them out on very specific dates like shopping, a concert, a book reading or a sports event. But all that is a bit advanced and doesn’t really fall in this topic. After all, this article is just about using texts to get your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. And we’ve already covered quite a bit into that.

Wait, do you still have a chance?

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363 Comments on "How to Text Your Ex Back – The Art of Using Text Messages to Get Your Ex Back [With 53 Examples]"

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JUJU
JUJU

i have followed No contact period of 35 days. Now i have send her advise text asking her for a suggestion for a place where i can organise a small party for my freinds. But she has not replied even after 6 hrs. what should i do now.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Wait it out longer, and if she does not reply, continue with NC for another week or two before trying once again.

Pat
Pat

I read your article and i don’t think that “the elephant in the room” text applies to me because after the break up I texted and sound needy but before going into the no-contact period I tried to fix things, and by this I mean, I send him a text just saying that I started seeing a show that he also sees and how much I was enjoying it, he responded well but we talked little. Days after that he had something mine to give it to me and we tried to organize an hour for him to give me that, but we never managed to find a compatible hour, then I suggest for him to give that thing at a party that we would be both at and he didn’t respond at all. Then i began with the no contact period. Now I don’t know if I should start the contact with the normal texts or with the elephant in room text, what do I use?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could still proceed with the elephant in the room text, and apologize for the issues you contributed to during the relationship period that led to the eventual breakup.

Pat
Pat

so instead of apologizing for what I did after the breakup (almost beg and look very fragile), I must apologize for what i did that led to the breakup? Even if it was me who broke up with him, because he was distant?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You definitely should apologize for that too, but do not focus on it because it wasn’t what caused the relationship to end in the first place, more of what made the situation worse. You’ll want to address the root of the issue if you want to get back with him.

Dani
Dani

Hey! Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and I did NC for this time. But last week I started to text him and we talk for a while, we talked for more two days and then he didn’t replied anymore. So I waited 3 days and started again the conversation and it was fine, just positive things. He told me he is going to move to another country in 3 months for work and I said I was happy for him. But I still want him back, what should I do? Continue the light conversations? And if he doesn’t start the talk? Should I said something?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, continue with the light conversations but perhaps add in a little flirting as well and see how he responds to it. However, you have to keep in mind that him moving to another country for work may open a whole new set of problems and you’ll have to be ready for that if you want to try winning him back.

Dani
Dani

Hi! We’re still having the light conversations, nothing about the break up, just talking like friends…how can I suddenly add a little flirting? I don’t know, but maybe he’s not interested on me…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps talk about a particular thing that reminded you of an event that happened while you were together to bring about familiar memories and see how he responds to that.

Jun
Jun

So I’ve actually made it to the end, I was able to get them to agree to meet up somewhere to just catch up. My question is though, should we keep it casual or do I bring up whether we should get back together or not?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Keep it casual and work on building up the level of comfort and bond before moving on to the topic of getting back.

J
J
My story is as follows: We broke up a little over a week ago. Before that we had been together for 2.5 years. About little over a month ago we had a falling out and he told me he didn’t feel like he could be in a relationship at this time in his life. I had met him only a few months after his previous long term relationship and he believes he met “the right girl at the wrong time.” He told me he felt that he was not being the best boyfriend that he could be and that it hurts him to feel this way and it hurts him that he can not give me 100% when he knows I’ve given him 110%. He told me numerous times that he doesn’t deserve me and that I’m perfect in every way and none of this is my fault. I’ve always known that he was not fond of commitment and I never pushed him in anyway to commit to me (we only dated for 2 years and then actually put a label on our relationship back in September.) I think he just got frustrated with himself not making me completely happy. And he feels annoyed when he has to consider another person in his decisions (travel, work, friends) He is approaching 27 years old and I can tell he doesn’t want to feel like a relationship is holding him back. The break up was not ugly or angry. It was overall just very sad and he said numerous times to call him whenever I needed to. And that he will never NOT answer me. He told me that this is what needs to happen right now and this is best for us and that I will be just fine. He said this was nothing about other girls and that “I’d probably be in another relationship before he even starts to date again.” He told me I have and always will hold a special place in his heart and that I still mean the world to him. We had a great relationship. Never really fought, never took breaks or went a long time with out talking. The break up happened late night after going out with our friends. I called him the next morning to make sure this is what he really wanted to do and he said it was. And he again reminded me that I could call at any time if I need help and that this was the best thing for us. Since then, it’s been a week. I have not contacted him at all but I keep hoping and praying that he will realize the value I brought… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Sometimes despite voicing out that thinking a person was right, may not necessarily mean anything and action still won’t be taken. It depends on the person entirely though, and if he does not contact you by the time NC ends, you could always consider contacting him instead on a casual note to start building the friendship/comfort levels back up again. You could use this article as a guideline if you’re unsure on what to do after NC.

J.
J.

Update: He did end up calling me after 2 weeks of NC. I missed the call and told him I’d call back later that evening. The chat wasn’t about getting back together though or regretting his decision. He wanted to check-in that I was okay and very much want to let me know that he still cares a lot about me and is having a hard time during this break up as well. He expressed numerous times that he wanted us to be able to remain in contact if I ever needed to talk because he “doesn’t see a life with us not in communication.” He said he was not looking to date anyone else because he already found the perfect girl (me) but the timing still isn’t right for him right now. I expressed to him that this is going to end up being unrealistic because I won’t be waiting around and will eventually move on. He was a bit everywhere but the conversation ended well. I think he is probably expecting me to “be more comfortable” now to reach out to him. But I’m going to stick to my plan and finish the 30 days until I reach out to him.

Any advice?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Complete NC, and he probably still does have feelings for you but might need a little space right now. Connect back with him after NC and personal self-improvements are achieved.

Michelle
Michelle

So after a casual relationship of 3 months my boyfriend broke up with me using excuses like he had to focus on studies and he was still hurt from previous relationship etc. He broke up with me via text. I said thank you for being honest and was great getting to know you, goodbye. He then texted me quite every week fr 3 weeks saying he felt terrible about ending it that way and he misses me and he wants to see me so we can talk and hes been thinking about what happened and hes sorry he freaked out in a big way and he genuinely liked hanging out with me and things he sees still make him think of me. I told him of a show his favourite local artist was having in 2 months and he asked me to come with. I said no because its so long away he said well he had two tickets anyways and the offer was open. We eventually went for a drink and he hugged me for ages when he saw me. A drink turned to 5 hours before another long hug goodbye. 2 days later he sent my fave flowers to work. We went for coffee and then he asked how it is for me when we see each other because he doesn’t want it to be awkward. Hed message me every few days. I thought he was pulling away so in self preservation i wrote a letter with memories and said because of that i cant just be friends. I apologised for my role in the breakup and thanked him for his time. he said he understood and respected that and said he did feel something for me and actually still does and would like to give me a hug sometime. I realised a few days later my mistake in thinking he was just keeping me on the line and invited him to a movie but he said he was away and had already seen it. Not a word from him since and that was a week ago. I dont know how to reestablish communication without looking crazy. What do i do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should probably wait a bit more before reaching out again to him. It seems that he does still have feelings for you based on his efforts but there also seems to be a miscommunication between both parties on their intentions so I would suggest actually having a proper conversation with him when you’re able to regarding both your feelings and where you stand.

Michelle
Michelle

do i wait for him to contact me? Or do i reach out in a few days? If so, how? I dont want to mess this up any more than i have so far

D K
D K

Hey Ryan,

Do you have an email I could shoot a couple questions to by chance?
I just wanna ask a couple questions and see what your take on it is. I’m in what I feel is kind of a unique situation.

Cheers,
DK

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi, unfortunately we don’t provide personal 1-1 consulting unless it’s with Kevin. Here’s the link to it if you’re interested.

Phil
Phil
Hello, This is Phil again. I typed on this two weeks ago. After sending the elephant in the room letter, I started slowly talking to my ex on snapchat. Everytime I would message her, she would always reply immediately. I took my time, and sent messages slowly as Kevin said to do. Eventually, 8 days ago, I mentioned to her a lot of the things I learned about myself during the time period we were apart, specifically how severe my insecurities were and how surprised I was that I never noticed how severe they were. She replied after saying “glad u realized this but no offense why r u bringing it all up?”. I told her there was more, and mentioned how I went to counseling and how that was what helped me. She said “I hope it helped” and “I’m glad you realized these things and tht u feel better”. Then we talked about the breakup and how I was worried about her after she got physically sick and seemed to not know what was going on. She said the breakup was draining for her and that she felt I kept trying to make her think she was just having worrying thoughts, whereas they were actually feelings. Eventually, she said talking about this with her probably wasn’t healthy. She just felt like we weren’t vibing anymore. Eventually, I started typing the lengthy descriptive memory text. I described in detail the first day we met and how amazing it was. She said it was nice that I was having happy memories but felt that talking to her would make me more upset and that perhaps I should stick to talking to my counselor and friends. We talked a bit more, and eventually I asked how she would feel about hanging out just to catch up, grab some food or something. She said “I think its too soon and we both need time to heal”. That was 8 days ago, and I haven’t spoken to her since. I ended that conversation on a good note. Recently (Saturday night) I saw on her friends’ snapchat story that there was a guy with his hands around my ex’s waist. I have seen this guy on my ex’s snapchat story feeds, but just as friends, in a friend group, with no indication of dating. I only saw him once on her story a couple of weeks ago, and even now see nothing on her social media that would indicate this person is in her life. This seems like it could be a rebound and that she’s hiding him from me. Not sure. Anyways, with everything I’ve said, I’m stuck between giving her space or… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you’re confident that you have a handle of your emotions, then you could start to build attraction but remember to progress at a slow pace because she does seem to have her guard up at this point. Don’t rush into things, and if she’s currently in a rebound, avoid acting out in an emotional or desperate manner as it would definitely push her away.

Phil
Phil

Ryan,

Thanks for getting back to me. So is my best bet to give her some space until college ends, and rebuild from there?

Thanks,

-Phil

Jim
Jim

Hi Team, can you please provide advice on my questions below in the long post that would be much appreciated.

Also if she is not responding she I give her , her stuff back through someone else or just leave it? I don’t want it in my house anymore.

Jay Parker Moore
Jay Parker Moore

Hey, my ex broke up with February last year and things has never been easy for me at all. it was all because she suspected I was cheating of which wasn’t true. she asked and I told her everything and she forgave me. she wrote me a letter and the content of the letter was a break up message. I accepted because she said in the letter that she wants to be alone not knowing she was putting me into a race to fight back for her, bcos I knew nothing about that idea of hers, we parted ways and till know i still love her but ive said all i gotta say but it seems she has made up her mind so all she tells me now is to move on. I even allowed one of her best friends to talk to her but was all futile. Please help me out with some suggestions to get her cos I cant move on!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You can try following the guidelines found within our articles on methods to get her back.

Mikael
Mikael

I was with my girlfriend for a year and half and she broke up with me saying theres no sparks between us anymore. Also things that i needed to improve in a relationship and i was improving at the time. After the break up i texted her once a week for 2 weeks saying that i miss her. I called her on 3rd week and we met and i explained why i did those things when we were together. I did that to keep her happy. Also she agreed that i was improving but she said she couldnt take it anymore. She asks my friends how am i doing and she says that she misses me. So i did NC For 34 days and i texted her again on facebook with a video message with a memory we had while traveling together. She read my message but didn’t reply. What should i do next?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Give it a week and perhaps drop her another text then. If she still does not reply despite reading the message, it could mean that she is not ready to talk to you for whatever reasons of her own. Consider going into NC again in that case for another couple of weeks before trying again.

Jim
Jim
I wrote below about my journey with my ex. I thought I would send one more advice message today and I have being blocked via text message and also saw she has reblocked me on instagram and Facebook. I have not once being rude my texts were polite, positive and happy, they were also spaced quite apart in regards to weeks. I believe she is jealous that I have accepted the break up and lost 8kgs, taking massive action with my business. Now I am going to move on, I am going on dates this weekend which I’m super pumped about. Let me know if you think about her? I feel now I should move on, Ive done the best I can and if I got blocked for saying sorry and asking for some advice on açai bowls then is she someone I want in my life? Here is my story to date: Hi There, so just wanted to share my story, so Its being two months since my ex broke up with me, in the first 4 weeks I did not contact her (she contacted me saying she missed me, that she had to let go of me, that she wanted to talk to me in the distance future), I was very nice with my responses and short and advised I accepted the break up. So after 4 weeks I sent the elephant in the room (apologising for my responsibility) text and got no response, then sent another text a week later, asking a question about a book she has and advising of a sale of some Activewear she likes, all i got was thanks and the name of the book, then I heard nothing, so then 2 days later I sent a funny inside joke and a question, no response, so I left it for 3 weeks (yesterday) asked her for some advice on some cooking as I have started it and no response. She has being hanging out with her ex (bf before me) and friends she said she in the past were damaging to her. I have worked on myself massively, I have lost 7kg, done a self mastery course, improved sales in my business and got a new job. The thing is I am now okay with it, she is not prepared to respond to me then there is not much I can do, I’ve made massive improvements and if she is jealous of that or angry I didn’t do that during the relationship I can’t do much about that now. As I have discovered how my emotions work, I’m now okay that I’ve done everything I can to show her I’m the alpha male.… Read more »
Jack
Jack

How long after ending no contact should you keep the conversation light and happy and avoid emotional topics? I’m just curious because i’m afraid that by not having meaningful conversations it will be easy to get “friend zoned.”

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could have meaningful conversations without going too much into emotional topics first, and see how she responds towards you. Take it a step at a time and if she shows signs of discomfort, pull back for the time being and continue to keep it light.

Jim
Jim

Hi There, so just wanted to share my story, so Its being two months since my ex broke up with me, in the first 4 weeks I did not contact her (she contacted me saying she missed me, that she had to let go of me, that she wanted to talk to me in the distance future), I was very nice with my responses and short and advised I accepted the break up. So after 4 weeks I sent the elephant in the room (apologising for my responsibility) text and got no response, then sent another text a week later, asking a question about a book she has and advising of a sale of some Activewear she likes, all i got was thanks and the name of the book, then I heard nothing, so then 2 days later I sent a funny inside joke and a question, no response, so I left it for 3 weeks (yesterday) asked her for some advice on some cooking as I have started it and no response. She has being hanging out with her ex (bf before me) and friends she said she in the past were damaging to her. I have worked on myself massively, I have lost 7kg, done a self mastery course, improved sales in my business and got a new job. The thing is I am now okay with it, she is not prepared to respond to me then there is not much I can do, I’ve made massive improvements and if she is jealous of that or angry I didn’t do that during the relationship I can’t do much about that now. As I have discovered how my emotions work, I’m now okay that I’ve done everything I can to show her I’m the alpha male. I will attract her back or someone else into my life by acting positive.

Poppy
Poppy

I’m having a hard time getting my ex interested in the conversation. Today I initiated a conversation and asked him a few questions, but he didn’t ask any back and he let the conversation die after my last message (to be fair I didn’t ask him anything or give him anything to continue with, really). I’m still just on Day 1 so it’s not a big deal, but what do I do if he’s still not interested further into the plan?
I’m thinking when I next initiate, I’ll try using a memory text to give us something more to talk about.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, you could use a shared memory, or even ask about something you know he might have been up to lately.

Carmen
Carmen

Hi,

My ex and I broke up 1,5 months ago after a short but intense relationship that lasted about a month. Classic story – he came on very strong and when I ‘surrendered’ to the relationship he lost interest but in all fairness I probably did seem a little needy in my behavior towards the end and we had a discussion about that which ended with me texting ‘I’m done with this (texting) but get in touch if you feel like it’ which he never replied to. I’m ok without him, have a happy healthy life and even dating. But there was some intimacy in it I haven’t felt for a long time and I was frustrated with us ending the way we did (by him ghosting me) so about a week ago I texted him and asked a short question not expecting an answer but he did reply (a very elaborated answer and lots of smileys) and asked how I was doing and seemed happy with the dialogue which I ended with a short but polite ‘thank you’ text. Now my question: is he interested in a dialogue with me? Or should I let it go? I would think he would initiate if he was – my male friends all says: ‘he’ll find a way to contact you if he wants you’. Is it always that way with guys? or should I send another text – if so which one? I guess another question would be weird…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As you’ve mentioned, there are a variety of reasons why people lose interest in their partners, and often times the biggest reason why we feel hung up over them is the lack of proper closure from the ending of the last relationship. My suggestion would actually be to perhaps consider starting a conversation with him and see how he responses before deciding whether to walk away or not, especially if closure is something you require.

Carmen
Carmen

But that’s the problem – I don’t know if he wants to talk me – he is not initiating anything only responding and if I do initiate contact (again) – what kind of text should I use? I guess it would be overwhelming to ask him for a closure meeting (also I’m not sure I want to close it completely- not if there is a chance he still wants to be with me).

John
John

Would you recommend the elephant in the room approach. We ended on good terms but it was really random and sudden. I know many problems throughout the almost 3 years helped the situation end. So would this be the way to go along with apologizing for the mistakes I made and acknilowging that I’ve accepted the break up.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, that would be fine as an elephant in the room approach.

Phil
Phil

Hello,

Girlfriend broke up with me on March 25th. We ended on very good terms. She said she was still in love with me, but she thinks we lost a spark. She exhibited signs of anxiety, however, crying so hard that she would vomit and feel like passing out. I tried to tell her that it could be anxiety but she said it definitely wasn’t. I think she’s in denial about it and I think it was that anxiety that mainly caused the break up. Now, it has been 3 weeks with no contact. I sent her the hand written letter (elephant in the room) and when I told her she had mail from me she said “omg I’m so curious! I’ll pick it up tomorrow!”. In the letter, I apologize for how I acted during the breakup and that I accept that it was for the best because she had been having a really hard time during it. When she got the letter she said “Thank you :)”. I haven’t spoken to her since then (4 days ago). I am going to start messaging her tomorrow. Do you think that the fact that she has been acting so chilled out and is so open to talking means she’s moved on? What are my chances, especially if anxiety caused it?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If anxiety was what caused the breakup, the anxiety attacks may have stopped shortly after and it may be the reason she’s open to talking to you at this point since some time has passed. I suggest not overthinking things, and continue with your contact as planned.

John
John

Please read my above statement thank you.

John
John

I’ve been with my ex for 2 years and a half and she ended it suddenly with me by saying she didn’t love me anymore and didn’t see me in that way anymore what style of message should I send her after no contact. How long do you recommend no contact should be. And I’ll take any other advice you can give me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Its common for couples to lose feelings of passion and spark after being together for so long, resulting in one party walking away. What you’ll need to do is to find ways to re-create it again if you want to win her back. Perhaps start off on a friendly note, and keep conversation topics interesting. Make some noticeable changes as well to yourself, so that she sees you in a different light after NC. I would recommend no contact for around the same time frame of 30 days so that you have some time to work on yourself.

Tyler
Tyler

After a 7 year relationship and a hard break up almost a year ago I still have feelings for my ex. We have tried to talk a few times after me reaching out to her but there were still too many emotions and each attempt ended badly. It seemed like she kept waiting for me to say or do something each time we met. Even the last 2 times we met after she told me she had started dating someone else she still seemed to be waiting for me to say the magic words. We had no contact after that week until I wished her a happy birthday in March. She responded positively. I’m ready to reach out to her without making her feel like I’m interfering with her relationship. I think we both could talk without the emotions getting in the way now and feel like our relationship is worth trying to get thru to her. Just looking for advice

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you really think she’s worth it, the best advice I can give is to be patient and trust that if you had a meaningful relationship with her, your friendship and positive changes you’ve made since the last time you were together with her may eventually get through to her.

Rohit
Rohit

Hi,

I was into a 4 yrs relationship with this girl.she is very simple and loved me a lot. It ended as I cheated on her. Although I did show the courage to tell that to her one day and she was confused then and finally chose to leave me.

From the initial instinct, I begged, pleaded but with no luck. Finally I have accepted her decision and the fact that she is with some one new. I don’t know if this new relationship of her is a rebound or not as he knows this guys for a long time say 2 yrs.

Currently I am in no contact period for 4 days now and the breakup was last week.

I really want her back as i have seen my future with her. Kindly suggest

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Give her some time to let go of the incident and forgive you, and complete NC before attempting to contact her. Keep in mind that as she is attached, it might not be the best idea to interfere with the relationship as it may backfire on you instead. Focus on becoming her friend again first, and only consider your options again after that is done.

Michelle
Michelle

Im 38 and he’s 39. We were together for 8 months while he was working on getting divorced. Which was finalized in December. He started talking to another girl and kept running back to his ex wife. So I broke up with him. I waited 3 months of no contact. I texted him and he replied the next day. Said his trip was good and saw his family. I ended it with glad to here it. Day 4 I texted about a memory that made me smile and think about him. He responded 4 hours later and we both went back and forth with about 10-30 minutes in between texts, total of about 6 messages. I feel like he’s only texting back to be nice. He hasn’t initiated a text yet. How long do I keep texting without him initiating a text? I’m going to keep following your timeline. But I’m scared he won’t ever initiate.
Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Sometimes it may take longer and more effort is required from the person who is trying to win the other party back. However, keep in mind if that he still doesn’t be the one to initiate or change his tone and emotion after constant initiation from you, be mentally prepared that he isn’t that serious about you anymore, considering that he still jumps around between another girl and his ex wife.

Steve
Steve

I read something in a different article in which you talked about sending a hand written letter. Would you do that after you are texting on a regular basis?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Typically, ending no contact can take place in several ways depending on the familiarity of the mode of contact. You could either send a hand written letter, email, or text depending on the circumstances. I believe this was the article you were referring to.

Lynsey
Lynsey

How quickly will I get my ex back if I used this system

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It varies for everyone and is entirely based on the circumstances on how the relationship had ended in the first place.

Jade
Jade

Hi, So me and my es split up about a week and a half a go after a drunken argument where all our problems came up. I have been doing NC, however we have had to see each other a few times to get stuff back and so on. When would you class NC started, from when you last saw them due to them collecting the stuff or when you actually text them regarding something else.At first he was texting me asking me if I was okay and I let him know that I can’t have him texting me and he can only speak to me if its a proper conversation or he has something to say about us as I needed time to heal. So far he has respected that. Also would you say dropping them a text at the end of April would be too soon to end NC.
Thank you.

Madhuri
Madhuri

After a month of no contact I messaged.
so he responded after two days saying “I am doing just fine. Hope all is good with you too”
To which I replied two hours later “that’s nice. Yes I am good too!! Thanks”
I thinks that’s fine for now.
But when and what should be my next move?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Wait a couple of days to a week before initiating conversation with your ex again. Try to open with a topic that would require your ex to continue with the conversation in a casual manner.

Madhuri
Madhuri

Thank you

Robert
Robert

So I’m doing the no contact thing. It’s been 3 days now, her and I dated for 1 year and few months. In between her father had been going through chemo treatments and could very well die. In between she developed a friendship with one of the people in our group and not until he ignored her and said he had feelings for her and wanted to kiss her. A part of her wanted to but ultimately she was very confused with her feelings. She needed time to think but wants to put taking care of her father first before anything else. She didn’t want to lose a friendship or me.
Now though I gave her a couple of days. We talked… we kissed and said how much we loved each other for the better part of 5 hours talking about it. After a few more days of no contact she told me how she has kept busy and has done things for herself that she didn’t do when we were together. She actually wanted to try to get a license and get her “shit” together. She was very apologetic but in the end said this will only get easier. We exchanged clothing and she wrote me a letter saying hopefully our hearts can heal and we learn love again. She also told me that music helped and that she hasn’t eaten much since.
How long should I wait? It’s been a week since our break up haven’t contacted each other in 3 days now.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could refer to this article regarding no contact, and what to do. Typically, the best would be to give it a month before contacting her again.

Daisy
Daisy

Hi, my aspie ex and I had broken up since late January, we still talked back and forth afterwards, fought too since he held resentment towards me and I had very bad emotion management. We had this really intense argument 3 weeks ago and he unfriended me everywhere saying he never wanted to see me again. Last week, he approached me said “I hope you’ve learned” as in a come back. I ignored it, two days later he texted me again saying he was over it and that he just wanted time away. I left the message “read/seen” again as I didn’t know what was good to say. He stalked me and saw I posted a love song cover. Then he started messaging me about 5-8 times a day since, with messages about he misses me, things that reminds him of me. He calls me my nickname and talks about things we like.

I have been talking to his sister about it and last night she told me that he said something along the line “she will never get over me , and she will come running back.”
I’m overwhelmed. Someone advised me to wait one more week to text back if he insists messaging; someone else said I should wait until I be less emotional; and some other said I should wait til he makes up his mind to bring up about the relationship and that I shouldn’t be this easy or else he would always be controlling me… By this Sunday, it would be the 4th week no contact. Should I start texting back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems to me that he is projecting his personal feelings onto you. He claims that you’ll never get over him, but instead is obsessing over you at the lack of contact you’ve made with him so far. If you decide to contact him again after Sunday, my advice would be to keep yourself calm and emotionally collected, and do not let his words get to you, because he may portray feelings of triumph at you talking to him again.

Daisy
Daisy

Thank you for your reply. In that case, should I say I missed him if he says that to my face when we start talking again? Tomorrow will be the day, but I don’t think I’m emotionally ready yet…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you aren’t emotionally ready, do not force yourself and instead take things at a slow and comfortable pace. You shouldn’t say something if you feel unnatural about and simply go with the flow based on how you feel.

Daisy
Daisy

Thanks again Ryan. I haven’t texted back. And now he wants to get me a video game and play together, and has sent me an request to add me back on the game place…but I ignored that. Today he said playfully that I would go back to him eventually and that he knows I couldn’t ignore him forever… My friend who was currently studying the book “The Art of Seduction” told me to try and insult him by attacking his low self esteem in order to make him stop being arrogant and start taking me seriously… this is so extreme from what I had been told to do (being sweet and gentle). What is your thought on this?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would honestly be better to avoid playing mind games and doing things like that just to get a desired result, because by attacking his self esteem, if not done right could easily spark greater issues, and would require to continue with the act in order to maintain your results. My suggestion is to completely ignore him for now, and to not respond to his comments and let it ‘hit’ him that you could potentially be walking away for good instead of ‘definitely coming back someday’.

Daisy
Daisy

I hear you… I accepted that request on the game place and the game he gifted… yet I still haven’t talked to him besides saying “thanks” on my own whiteboard. Did that fail the no contact rule, should I unfriend him and start it all over again?

On the other hand, he still messages me on a social media everyday, I read them from time to time, should I actually not even click on them as I think he somehow knew I had read?

Daisy
Daisy

Update: I got emotional and unfriended him. He messaged me and said “whatever. I give up”. I think I’m done… Thank you for your supports

Air
Air

What if after day 9, your ex doesn’t initiate contact?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Then wait a couple of days before trying again, and continue to observe if he shows any signs of interest or not.

Poppy
Poppy

Texted my ex on his birthday after two weeks of no contact. Just a simple “Happy bday”. He replied with “Thanks Pops :)” (Pops is my nickname lol. He never called me that when we were dating, so I wonder why he used it now?). I think that’s pretty encouraging, though. I was psyching myself up for a “Thanks” or “Thank u” or even “Thx”. I’m glad he at least included my name and a smiley, even if it was just a tiny gesture. What do you guys think about that?
Thinking about asking him for music recommendations from his favourite band in a couple weeks time. Something like “Hey, do you still listen to [band]?”. Then maybe when he replies I’ll ask for his favourite songs or albums or something.
I think I’m pretty solid on the motivation part of wanting to text him. I’ve really been trying to work hard on myself during our no-contact period (we officially broke up a month ago). I miss talking to him and we had a connection I don’t want to lose. Hopefully everything goes alright for me. Good luck to anyone else reading this page! <3 We can do it…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s great Poppy. It’s definitely a positive sign (no matter how small) if he called you by your nickname, since it shows that he does not harbor negative emotions towards you. Hang in there and we hope that you succeed!

Grace
Grace

Hi there! My short lived 5 month boyfriend dumped me a few weeks ago because of work/school/medical related stress and said that he wants to stay friends (he’s friends with all of his exes). After a week of no contact, he started snapchatting me and texting me every day – short conversations but he always initiated and I always ended it. After a few days of this, I had a mini meltdown. I told him that I can’t switch to friends in a blink of an eye especially since we didn’t start out as friends before jumping into dating. I continued by saying that I was tempted to give an ultimatum of together or nothing which he responded with “I’ll give you space but let me know if you change your mind. No hard feelings if you don’t.” I terribly kept going by asking if there was someone else and he said no and that was the end of that lol🤦🏻‍♀️. NC started after that but I’m not sure what kind of text to send. I’m not sure if saying all of those things would entice an elephant in the room/apology text, or if it wasn’t bad enough to go ahead and do a nostalgia text. Thanks for the article! It helped a lot!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could go ahead with the elephant in the room text, keeping things light-hearted to see how he would respond towards you at that stage.

Fan1234
Fan1234
Hello, 2 months back i met this nice girl on a public transport and we talked, she gave me her number and we went into texting the whole day every day, we set up a date and we kissed, and she was happy and said she is looking forward for other dates, and that she likes me, i already told her my feelings that i really liked her, and we decided to take things slow and see where it leads, then suddenly one day after 1.5 month , she told me that she start missing me out of the blue and getting afraid and confused and that she want to take tings slow and don’t want to jump in a serious r/ship at the moment, i was confused of her mixed signs, and ask her if she is directing the conversation to the most common “lets be just friends” closure, and she told me that she don’t want JUST ONLY FRIENDS and says we can be both, i was getting more confused and told her what she said just don’t make a sense at all, because we already discussed about talking things slow and agreed upon. and she replied It’s enough for today and trying to put me in a needy position so i just cut it right at that moment, told her it’s enough not only for now but forever , and i told her that i will not be able to be friends with her, i was being truthful and straightforward around her and she clearly knows my intentions and feelings, and my understanding level, knowing all that and the way she twisted simple things and cover up her true motive makes me upset. I said my good bye and turn off my social media account and went to no contact . her last text was that she is sorry to put me in that situation and that she know she will regret this one day. etc. A week later, she texted me How are you and I miss you, and i ignore her text.and went silent. Then we run into each other at the exact same place we first meet, waiting for a taxi, i wasn’t shocked at all,confident and with a smile, says hi, and have a small conversation and went separately, she looked a bit nervous and shy. later that night midnight, she texted me she was very happy she saw me in the morning. i replied her the next morning , she says hope you are fine and have a good day, and i replied the same. it’s been three days since this happens and am not sure how to proceed, the NC already… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It honestly seems like she was starting to develop stronger feelings for you at that point before the argument, but wasn’t certain of them yet. She might have her reservations about getting into a serious relationship, but that’s something you can always convince her otherwise with your actions that there was nothing to fear. Currently, no contact hasn’t been entirely broken since it was not a deliberate attempt to meet or contact her and you merely bumped into her in public. However, given your circumstances no contact may not have been necessary as it might be more effective to build the connection with her now instead while she clearly felt happy to see you, which indicates positive signals.

Fan1234
Fan1234

Thank you

Mae
Mae

“Hey, I just want to message you and say thank you for helping me and giving me the push I needed to be a stronger person. I’m sorry how I reacted during our break up and I have really accepted why we need this and everything that has happened in these last few months. I have been feeling so much better mental now that I have started to work on myself and switched my birth control and corrected that hormone imbalance (which we were right was a major factor in my anxiety and depression and it’s now basically nonexistent at times which is cool). Being out of my moms has helped a lot too. I have taken on mediating too, which we could talk about later if you are interested. I have been feel so much strong and more confident in who I am and I wanted to tell you thank you for helping me in some part get me to the point I am at today. I hope you are doing a better too and got into your school of choice. I would really would love to be able to talk to you again.” Hi I posted something earlier about him not replying again. I texted him about a week and a half later saying happy Easter and he didn’t text back to that either (which is fine because it was just a basic happy Easter text) I think I should send an elephant in the room text later in the next week or two just to give it some time and was wondering if this fits what I should send. He and I broke up because we both weren’t in a good place mentally and he was unsure of himself and if he was in love with me due to his mental illness. I have gotten better and I feel so much better in all honesty too. But we worked so well together and we had this bond that I really don’t want to loose. Would this work to get him back?

Mae
Mae

My original post was 13 days ago

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could send him the text, to see whether he responds positively or not before deciding on the next course of action you should take. If enough time has passed, and he understands the context of where you fit into his life and whether that he didn’t love you only because of his illness, his response should be a positive one. If not, you might genuinely want to consider walking away, especially if he does not reply at all.

Madhuri
Madhuri

I sent my first text after no contact…
I used a mutual friend and said “hey… how you been? I met with Mohan today and it reminded me of u in a while. Hope all’s well.
Is the message going to work?
And what do I do if it gets ignored totally?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It should be okay, but if she doesn’t reply you, perhaps it is too soon to initiate contact with her in which you might want to prolong NC further before trying again.

Madhuri
Madhuri

Okay, so he responded after two days saying “I am doing just fine. Hope all is good with you too”
To which I replied two hours later “that’s nice. Yes I am god too!! Thanks”
I thinks that’s fine for now.
But when and what should be my next move?

Rose
Rose

Hey, I am up to day 4 of your advice and it’s going ok – I think! I cut the convo short by saying I had to go to work, but he replied something that also requires a reply. When should I reply to him? Should I reply after work or wait until Day 7 when the next conversation should be. Thank you!!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could reply him after work but avoid giving a reply that would give him an opportunity to prolong the conversation. If he continues the conversation after, perhaps let him know that you need some space to deal with the breakup, sort yourself out and work on your issues and if he could give you some time.

Jake
Jake

Thank you very much for your article! It is very helpful. My ex broke up with me three months ago after going through her mother’s passing. I was also being very needy and over-protective towards the end. I haven’t contacted her at all since, until today after reading your article and after talking to her father. Our conversation is going nicely, but I don’t know if I should end it so that I can follow your daily plan or just not reply for a day or two. What are your thoughts?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since you have actually gone through no contact, it may not be necessary to restart it just to follow the plan. Adjust accordingly based on your situation and since things are going well, continue on with it and work towards building up the connection with her once again.

cgc13199
cgc13199

Hi I had a question . So the first contact was a short conversation and he left me on seen and the second one was way longer and he left me on seen but we were talking from 9am to 6pm so it’s understandable but how do I start a conversation again. I don’t want to seem desperate. Should I use the elephant in the room text so that he knows my intentions? Or just continue with random positive things and hobbies we have?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Give it some space for now since he left you on seen, and text him again in a couple of days or so with another positive topic before sending the elephant in the room text.

Gisselle
Gisselle

Hey,
I contacted my ex and he replied positively but then stopped replying and I thought he forgot but I went on Facebook to update my new profile pic a day later and the same day he changed his and even posted how he went out a lot on spring break but I think he might have saw my new profile pic and is trying to make me jealous. But it also makes me think that he probably just ignored me afterwards cause he’s now posting stuff on Facebook a day later and never answered me back. Should I just wait a while to text him back or should I tell him that I don’t mean any harm or am just contacting him to get back together but I just want to be friends ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I suggest waiting awhile before contacting him again. Don’t get too affected by his actions since he could have been busy and forgot to reply you back then. After waiting perhaps for a week, then try to initiate contact again, but don’t talk about his previous lack of reply. Instead, focus on positive topics and keep the conversation cheerful so that he remembers the moments talking to you as something positive.

Omar
Omar

I also have another question. I know I should’ve followed the NC rule but a few days ago, I messaged my ex saying that for her to know that I still care about her and I too have a special place for her in my heart. I promised her that if she needs us to talk, if she needs me, I’ll be there. Mind you, we still have each other on Facebook and Snapchat. A few nights later, she posted on her story about a funny picture talking about going out on a Friday night for some beers because love is hard or sucks (it was in spanish so I tried my best to explain it in English) in which she captioned the picture by saying that it doesn’t sound too bad only the fact that she doesn’t really go out much. So after that snap, she posted what appears to be her way of showing sadness by using sad bitmojis with one eating ice cream and in tears and the other at a bar looking sad and the caption said that she’s calling it a night with the sleeping emoji and one of the sad emojis. So me wanting to be a good person with a good heart, I messaged her asking if she’s okay to which she didn’t respond back. What say you?

Claudia
Claudia

Hi,
I did the no contact for 33 days and I texted my ex about a show we both love and also asked how he’s been. he answered positively in 10 minutes but I had a class at the time so I answered an hour later and he answered back a few hours later and then I answered and even included how I was doing but after that he didn’t respond. I’m not panicking. I’m just kinda wondering if maybe he’s that busy or if I said something wrong. Should I just wait two days to text him again? I feel like I should wait two days and also include when I text him that I’m not talking to him just because I’m looking to get back together (well I plan to gain our friendship back and see where it goes from there. hopefully getting back together) but I’m not sure what to do. The conversation sure it was really short but it’s not like he answered in one word texts and I thought it was going well until he didn’t reply so what should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Try not to overthink things for now, and remember that sometimes people generally forget to reply or it slips their mind in the moment that they’re busy. I agree with your suggestion to wait another 2 days before contacting him again, and keep things casual. You might have to take it even slower if this repeats itself as you don’t want to come across as needy.

Claudia
Claudia

Okay so update. I talked to him again after 2 days and the conversation was way longer than now. he probably was less busy compared to first contact. The conversation at first seemed like he was a little hesitant because he wouldn’t have a lengthy reply but towards the end it was better. couldn’t leave him something to think about because we were talking about his car because when we were dating, he was fixing it and towards the end he didn’t answer but it was already 7pm so I understand. But I appreciate the longer conversation, it was at least something. baby steps at a time

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s great to hear. All the best Claudia, baby steps.

Tracey
Tracey

I’ve been seeing a man for around a year. We both have children from previous relationships. Things have been going well until the last couple months. His work is full on and takes up a lot of his time which has not been a huge problem as I am quite independent and my own life is busy. Lately his work has become all consuming and we have not had any time together. While he still texts me & keeps in contact, the conversations are not as long and I fell into the neediness trap questioning if he really wants to continue. Reading back some messages I’ve sent him of late have made me cringe! He acknowledges he wants to work less to spend more time with me but regardless, he makes no effort to do so and it’s turned into a vicious cycle where I get upset and I’m sure he does too. In effect, it’s now created a tense relationship and texting is no longer light and fun. I feel like giving up as much as it’s heartbreaking. Would no contact help in this situation as there is not a “break up” we are dealing with? I don’t want him to think he can take advantage of me & that I’ll just wait around forever for it all to be on his terms.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No contact would be better suited for a relationship that has failed and both parties require space to let go of negative emotions. In your case, since you are still together with him, NC may actually cause the relationship to strain further from the deliberate lack of contact. I suggest instead trying to communicate across effectively to him and trying to work out an arrangement that would suit the both of you.

Mario
Mario

the last few weeks things were okay until she got a work in the city,far from where i live,later she told me that she don’t know what she needs in love.i used to act desperately sometimes and at some point i asked her if she loves me and she said yes and even needs me more.she then silenced for some days and i called her and she told me i was a terrible liar for the time we were together and she needs time and space to think about our relationship.i asked her after 1 week of NC and said she had not given our relationship a thought and she needed more time and space to figure things out because her work isnt going right.so far ive gone NC for 2 weeks.should i add more time or should i give up and move on.we were really the best and everyone felt jealous for how our beautiful relationship was.her parenrs are also aware that we loved each other in more than a year of dating.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I suggest giving NC another 2 weeks or so, before you try to contact her again. If she still does not respond positively, you can reconsider your options again at that point.

Mae
Mae

So I did NC with my ex (who broke up with me because he wasn’t “in love” with the person I am right now) for a month after now being broken up for 2 but we weren’t talking much for a few weeks before that period Other than me begging for him to say it’s a break so we could work on ourself (we agreed that we both needed time apart and it wasn’t a ugly break up), him and I saying sorry and making plans to return each others things (took like 4 tried to get everything) we didn’t talk. When he did come to drop things off he would still call me pet names and kiss my head when I cried and told me he loved me and we were going to still be in each other lives and we would still see each other around to the last time he dropped things off to where he still hugged and kissed me like he always did he Tried to him distancing himself in saying we couldn’t be friends and he doesn’t want me in his life and things like that to which I responded with fuck you and left the car. I later apologized and he said he understood and still was his sweet self. I decided that I would start the no contact then but he contacted me to send me a super sweet lovey text about things seeming like he would be open to having a relationship with me again to which I responded and said some nice things back. Didn’t talk to him for over 30 days and I messaged him on st Patty’s, which is a fun day I’m our relationship, “happy st. Patrick’s Day. Hopefully not drinking any Kings cups this year” which he helped me drink the year before. He responded right away saying he wasn’t doing anything fun and kept the messages going for a bit until ending the message saying he hoped I was being safe and not drinking and smokeing and then driving which was really heart felt and sweet and he didn’t reply after I said I was which seemed right. Today after the wait between I sent him a text about a memory we had together and asked him how he was and he hasn’t replied. It’s been about 3 hours since and I know he has probably looked at it. What should I do if he doesn’t reply at all?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he does not reply, continue with no contact and wait for a couple of days to a week before you initiate anything else.

Dave
Dave

So my ex and i broke up around 2.5 months ago… I did a month of no contact, got a great new job, got into better shape and received a positive response on initial contact. we have been speaking since (1-2 times a week), spoke on the phone and even met up for an hour lunch last week that i feel went really well, no relationship talk, no awkward silences, just us talking about life and joking around. I didnt try to kiss her or anything, but she did give me two long hugs. My concern is that i have initiated almost all contact except one time and her liking my social media posts. I just asked her out for a walk around the lake by us with my dog, unfortunately our schedules just dont line up the next 2 weeks, (we both work busy, long hour schedules) so i told her to text me when she has some free time for it. Should i wait it out now until she contacts me?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since both parties are busy, perhaps give her some time to see if she initiates contact, but just keep in mind that as she is also going to busy the next 2 weeks, it might not occur to her to contact you first. However, it doesn’t mean anytime at this point and there’s no harm in initiating contact first as you may still be in the phase where you’re trying to build upon a habit for frequent communication before she starts contacting you on her own accord.

Dave
Dave

Thanks for the quick reply… Id like to start talking to her more often than like once a week, sometimes twice but id really like her to initiate more. I guess that comes when you put in the work though… the reason im nervous is because i do feel i was needy especially towards the end of our relationship. Like i said ive been working hard on myself and feel like ive really improved the last few months, i just wanna be able to show her without coming across as needy again.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s why it might be a better idea for you to slowly build the habit up first, so that she’s used to the idea of texting you and may begin to initiate on her own accord once she feels more comfortable.

Carla
Carla

Hi. Is it wrong when I replied my ex’s mail 3 days after sent elephant-in-the-room text? I have done the NC and initiated to contact him with elephant~ text via email. His response was good at the moment, he said we can talk again and yesterday I replied yes, but now he still doesn’t respond my mail. What should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No it wasn’t wrong, but since he hasn’t replied, perhaps give it another week or two to see if he replies before dropping another email, since you don’t want to come across as too needy or pushy.

Carla
Carla

Yes exactly, I don’t want to come across as too needy or pushy and okay I did it (to wait before dropping another email). Now it’s been a week and he still hasn’t replied. What kind of response in email I should use when he replies within two weeks, or, what should I do when he still doesn’t reply after two weeks? Honestly I have no idea on how to initiate the contact since I am also busy but a little bit afraid if he is going to forget everything when we no longer have conversations.
Btw, I am 23 and he has the same age as mine. We dated for almost a year on a long-distance and have not met in person, and then he broke up with me since 3 months ago.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could send an email just to check in with him or talk about a random topic, but keep things on a positive note. If he still does not reply this email, you could either consider waiting another 2-3 weeks or consider moving on because no amount of effort on your part is going to work if he does not even respond to you.

Carla
Carla

Thanks for the quick reply 🙂 Today we had short-light chats all of sudden and it was positive. He always replied not longer than 1 hour, I kept answer his questions efficiently and I stopped reply his chat when he replied just “ok then”. Perhaps after this first conversation I am going to text him again on the next week. Hope this will be going well since I also don’t want to rush everything.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s great to hear Carla, all the best with you and hope everything works out well.

Audrey
Audrey

Hi Kevin,
My ex boyfriend and I broke up 3.5 months ago in good terms (2 years relationship). I clearly needed time to work on myself which I did and he knows and saw it.
Last month he confessed exploring a relationship with a new woman, stating that he feels it is the right thing to do. I started no contact 3 weeks ago. Last week he texted me saying his new relationship is going well, they have a lot in common which he realizes is probably an important thing. He asked me for my relationship status and offered to meet for a quick catch up soon.
What should I do? Is it a proper time to meet? Do you think there’s any hope? Are there subjects we should talk about /avoid?
Thank you for your help!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on how important he is to you. Right now as it’s been 3 and a half months ago, he may have started to move on and dating someone new at this stage (not rushing immediately after the breakup) might show that it isn’t a rebound relationship. You might want to consider letting go for now if that’s the case, especially if things are getting serious for them. You don’t want to get in the way of their relationship as it may affect how he views you if things go wrong.

Edward
Edward

Hi Kevin. I’m stuck on day 4. Not exactly sure what to send her to make her think about it. What would be a quick example to make her think of me? Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could always talk about a familiar experience the both of you used to share during the relationship. It could be common interests, for example, if you both play tennis, you could ask her about how her swing is coming along, and that you need to change your strings soon but wasn’t too sure which one to get and if she has any recommendations. Something along those lines to get your ex thinking and not just simply replying words to your texts.

Alyssa
Alyssa

My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. I got clingy and needy for the first week. When it became obvious that I was annoying him, I told him to leave me alone until he knew what he wanted. Three and a half weeks later I emailed him and we talked like we were friends for close to 6 hours. He asked about this rumor that had been spread that I was sleeping with a bunch of people. I told him I had only slept with one person and I haven’t talked to them since. He seemed to get mad and told me “If you don’t want people knowing maybe you should pick another hole to lay in. Just saying.” I didn’t respond to him. I then talked to him again 2 days later and asked him if he wanted to grab lunch with the kids and he said he would have if they weren’t already eating so I asked for dinner and he said he was going to a tournament so he couldn’t. I just told him good luck. I am thinking I should do some more NC for a couple days or a week and text again and only text? I really do miss him, but I am okay with being alone. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve had to myself so far.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, you should wait a couple more days to a week before texting him again since this recent attempt to ask him out was met in a somewhat negative manner, and you don’t want to seem too pushy.

Stephano
Stephano

I’ve been doing no contact for several weeks now and my ex has tried to contact me multiple times during that period of time. The most recent one was her saying that she was really upset that I was ignoring her and that she really missed and wanted us to be able to talk like we did before. I responded by saying sorry, I’ve just been busy for the past couple of days and I haven’t been able to respond. I know I shouldn’t get over excited by this, but I just finished no contact today and I’m wondering how I should take talking to her now that I know she really misses me and wants things to be like they were before.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could always start with checking in on how she’s been lately and if she really misses you, you could even ask her out to catch up sometime soon.

Stephano
Stephano

Yesterday we talked again and she told me that she really missed talking to me again, and this time she also said the thought our past relationship was great and she apologized for messing it up. I just told her that we just weren’t ready for a relationship at our state of life because things have been very stressful at school so I told her that after all this, I think that we should just wait for us both to finish school before we try a relationship again and she agreed. Should I consider this as a success? After all, she did agree to try for a relationship again but I’m wondering if it’s a little premature to consider it a success yet.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would definitely call it taking the right step forward, and coming across as someone who has matured since the breakup. Build the friendship back up first, and continue to work on improving her level of comfort with you for the time being.

Jarl
Jarl

I have a problem, and that problem is that I’m afraid that my ex won’t want to get back with me because she feels that it’s what’s best for me. During the last month of our relationship I was being very insecure and pathetic, always beating myself up and blaming myself for her problems. Now that I’m doing no contact and I’ve improved myself, I seem a lot happier. I’m afraid that my ex will see this and think that if we get back together I’ll go back to how I was and be sad and insecure again. How can I show her that being with her is actually good for me and that all the changes I’ve made to myself will not go away after we get back together.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’ll have to maintain this change for awhile longer before contacting her again to prove to both her and yourself that these changes are permanent and it represents a new you that wouldn’t sway so easily and revert back to the old you.

David
David

Kevin, I recently met a girl online. Our chemistry on the first date was fantastic, but I stupidly missed a lot of signals. We dated for a few more weeks and then she broke it off. I was starting to have feelings for her, so I got a little needy and sent two text messages within two weeks that I’d like to get together. This is all bad form, I suppose. She never replied to the messages.

No contact is really my only choice now. Her birthday is in three months, and I think that she might appreciate a genuine happy birthday text.

My questions are if that’s a good idea, and how can I’d know if she blocked my number? She never responded before, so I’ll have no way of knowing if she even knows when I reach out.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There’s no way to know for sure if she’s blocked your number short of calling her and seeing if the call goes through. A birthday text might be appreciated but it depends on how she sees you at this point. If you guys were not officially together, it might be hard to say for certain whether she still has feelings for you or has since moved on.

Mark
Mark

Hello!

Im in difficult situation where my wife cheated on me which she did admit and i have evidence to proof her adultery. After that, we decided that our marriage is over. Despite of all, we cant apply for divorce until 2019 due to immigration matters. Until then we need to live in one roof, so I make an arrangement that she dont need to talk about the guy and not to text him when im around. We agreed to live like friends. To be honest I am not sure if I want to take her back, i dont know what to do really. I want to move on but everyday we see each other at home it makes me feel angry and thinking of revenge. Im just trying to hide all this feeling. What should I do for her to feel that she made a terrible mistake and to think of giving our relationship a second chance. I dont text her at all since the incident but we see each other everyday and dont talk to each other sometimes.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on what your plan is – whether you want her back or not, that would determine what you should do. If you don’t want her back, then limit the relationship and conversation to that of a housemate and apply no contact otherwise, until you’re able to go through with the divorce. In the meantime, you might want to get out of the house for awhile to at least let go of your anger and negative emotions associated to this situation.

tiruworq
tiruworq

hi kelvin, after broke up and applying no contact to 30 days i spent a happy day with him on his birthday i think you remind this because i was putting a comment to you and you reply nicely after that i was planning a date with him again but I can’t because i don’t know how can I arrange a second date with him ? during this time and one month later he massaged me like “l didn’t found you in social media even phone call and said are you OK ” and after I saw his message I was calling him immediately but he said will call you back but he didn’t call me .can I call him or what can I do I need your advice kelvin .thank you

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Don’t overthink, keep calm and collected even if he did not reply you. It could be that he’s busy or it’s still too soon for things to progress to that extent. You could drop him a text in a few days if he still has not replied but start with a different topic, and don’t harp on the fact that he said he would call but didn’t.

Jacques
Jacques
Hello! My ex and i were together for around 2 years, im 23 he is now 28. We broke up around 4 months ago. The reason for breakup is he said he feels he can’t get enough space with me and i was pushing him to live together because we been together for 2 years. It was a messy breakup, we both broke things and i was crying a lot. Since the breakup i did one month no contact and we continued to text on/off for a while, we agreed to catch up a few times but he always seemed to say things like “sounds good” or something else and never making an offical time or date. Eventually i lost my calm because i felt led on and i text him and he said the reason he never made a time or date was because he felt i still wanted something from him (a relationship). A little while after this(a week maybe) i was mad and i text him telling him i want my jewellery back from his house (this happened around 1 month ago) and he didnt reply so i got mad and i went to his house and demanded he throw it over the balcony, i didn’t care, i just wanted my things back. He refused to give it back and he said he would meet me to give it back. He did meet me to give my things back and we had a really long good chat, he didnt seem mad at all and very interested in what i had to say (i wasnt expecting this at all) and he was interested in what i had been up to. After the chat we hugged and i left, i suggested coffee in the next few weeks and he said that would be nice. A few days after meeting i became needy and i messaged him saying it was good to see him and when was he free for that coffee? He replied saying he wants to let things cool down for a while before we start planning to meet up again. I agreed but soon after i messaged him saying i didn’t think i could be his friend, it would be tricky what if we are both seeing other people? he said he’s not seeing anyone. We organised a hike but then he cancelled. A week later I still felt i couldnt be his friend so eventually i text him saying it was too much and goodbye. (I think this came out of fear because of him putting things off before). So after i said goodbye he didnt reply. I spent some time reflecting and realised i do… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You have to remember to be calm and keep things casual because you haven’t officially gotten back together with him, and shouldn’t overstep your boundaries when you feel insecure because it would push him away. For now, you could continue texting him but remember to keep it casual and not get mad or insecure when he doesn’t reply or rejects your advances. Take things slow, and focus on building up the bond for the time being. Once he’s more comfortable with you again, then you could consider taking it a step further.

Jacques
Jacques

Hey! thank you for your reply. We have continued texting, he is still being much more open and engaging in conversation, asking how my study is going etc. I haven’t texted anything too emotional as i don’t want to push him away. He always responds relatively quickly to my messages (usually 30 mins to 1 hour) but in saying that i’m still acting pretty casual with the messaging. I asked my ex if he’d like to catch up for lunch this sat/sun but he said he was maybe going away to the coast and maybe another time!. So i replied with exciting! and happy beaching! would sometime next week suit you? and he said I should have time yeah.

I don’t want to overthink it, but i feel this is a positive sign, and especially because he replies quickly where as say last month or before he would take days to reply and was distant.

My question is if he cancels what should i do?
If we do catch up, what should my aim be? to get a second “date”? Or just tell him i miss him and see what he says? i don’t think it would be effective right now and i might be better to let things happen organically since he is showing signs that he still cares about me. How will i know if he is still interested in me since he is definitely not good at expressing his emotions?

What kind of things would you recommend for a second “date”

Thanks so much for your help, i was feeling pretty hopeless until now. (Guess i’m doing something right)

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The main mindset to have right now is that he’s nothing more than a friend to you, and you’re simply building up connection again with him. Have fun, don’t take things too seriously, especially if he cancels or responds negatively at any point. Your second date should not have an ‘intention’ but as mentioned before, to have fun. Perhaps do something exciting you’ve been meaning to for a while but haven’t got a chance, or even do something familiar (a place you both went to before).

Jacques
Jacques

Hey! So just an update. We ended up catching up on Tuesday for lunch. It went really well. We just talked about what’s new in our lives (no mention of the past) and it was really nice. At the end I asked him if he wanted to walk me to my car and he did. We had a long hug and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He actually mentioned catching up with me again soon for ‘snacks’ I think what he meant was hang/chill out. I was really surprised that he mentioned it first. I was about to suggest a day but then I was kind of in a little bit of shock and he cut me off and said soon ok :). So it’s now Thursday and I haven’t text anything. I was thinking to send a message tomorrow(Friday) but I’m not so sure what to say? Thanks for lunch or ask him about the next catchup? I’m not too sure. One thing I noticed is that he kept looking at my right hand during lunch (I used to wear a ring on it all the time when we were together, but now I don’t). It was a bit hard to judge his body language through lunch because of the table but he definitely maintained eye contact and when wapkijg back to the car he said I look great. I think these are good signs but I’m not sure if he’s just being friendly? Hmm. I was thinking we could go and see a French film next week, but would that be too soon?

Thank you 🙂

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I think that things are progressing well with you up to this point, and he’s responding to you very positively which is a good sign. You could text him as you’ve mentioned, and perhaps even ask him out for that film since he’s already shown interest in meeting you again soon.

Jacques
Jacques

So I got around to sending that text today I said I was having a crappy day and was he free to catch up for a drink this arvo/tonight? He said he’s back to back after work right through the weekend but what’s happening? and I said that’s ok and I suggested catching up Tuesday but he said focus on the weather and doing wholesome things and that he has a big week next week, and I just seen you a few days ago woman! I just responded saying haha yeah it was great to see you, I’ve got a meeting now. Can I call you to go through what’s been happening today? Escalated to a phone call and we spoke for 30 minutes about what had happened, he offered me suggestions and we chatted, he said he was going to a friends birthday tomorrow night and had a family thing Sunday, we continued chatting and then I said I had to go I was going to see a friend and he said ok I’ll see you soon or something along those lines. I asked him if he wants to continue texting and he said yeah. What should I do?

Thank u

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since his response was positive overall despite not being able to meet you, perhaps you could continue with light conversation through text with him, but don’t ask him out again so soon since he rejected you twice in one sitting to meet.

Jacques
Jacques

I said to him that he had caught my eye(to see his response) he freaked out a little and said he’s very attracted to me too but Hes just keeping the balance doing him for now and to cool things down. I have previously told him I need to cool things down too when feeling too strongly towards him so I wasn’t too stressed about him saying that as we both seem to be getting feelings hard then pulling away a bit. Anyway we have continued light text and We have arranged to meet after Easter, he said it sounds great. (To meet after Easter). I have thought of a “date” idea which is sitting by the water with maybe some wine and snacks since he suggested at our lunch date that he wanted to do snacks soon. How far out should I pitch the idea to him? A week? A few days? Easter is this weekend so I was thinking to suggest when suits him but I’m not sure when to send the message or how to word it? Should I also plan to look very attractive? Or just more casual like effortless? Thank you 🙂

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Your first meetup would set the impression he may have of the new you (after not seeing you for some time), so it’s best to set a good one and look attractive but don’t go overboard. You could pitch the idea to him a day or two before Easter, provided the meeting is confirmed.

Jacques
Jacques

I pitched the idea to him today to catch up next week via text message and said Easter come quick this year need to do my Easter shopping! 🙂 and he replied within an hour saying maybe. He is really stressed and busy at the moment. And yeah it did hey! Chocolate time! I replied saying be nice to see you but I understand. Play it by ear. What’s got you stressed? Here if you need to chat.

I didn’t get a reply (don’t think he will) he’s not one to open up about his emotions. I haven’t text since but my friends think I am over thinking it and maybe we will catch up next week. But I’ve taken it quite negative and I’m really confused about it all. When we caught up he was the one who suggested catching up and seeing me soon and then I got a I’m too busy last week so he couldn’t which I understood. But yeah I was going to send him a happy Easter text on Sunday and maybe one next week to see how his week is going and if he has time to catch up. This whole process is very emotionally exhausting. His behaviour is vague and confusing. He has always been vague and a little odd though. I don’t know what he’s thinking. My friends think I’m over thinking it way too much and there is a chance he will say yes to catching up next week.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Trying to get back together with an ex isn’t easy, hang in there. Even if he does not say yes to meeting up because he’s busy, don’t take it too personally or to heart. Simply take it within your stride, and slowly aim to rebuild a connection bit by bit. As long as you know you’ve tried your best, you’ll at least be able to carry forward with no regrets.

Felicia Morris
Felicia Morris

I meet this guy off a dating site, keep in mind I divorced my ex husband and been single for 5 years but of course was seeing guys just never felt I could settle with any of them so I put up a wall and played there game till I meet this one guy beginning of dec, everything was great but he said he loved me and we started relationship very soon I think it was too soon but I felt so complete with him so I went with it…He went to my family holiday gatherings which I never let any guy before (besides my ex husband), we all planned a family Vacation also but I was seeing alot of red flags and I was pulling away,quentioned him and his texts and calls became very distant he then was thinking I was cheating but then he broke up with me and some how manipulated me cause he is on my mind constantly and I don’t ever let a guy make me feel this way but this one is obviously very different which makes this so difficult. Our relationship was very short,but why do I feel this way? I want him back AND Im trying not to bug him, but I definitely got needy after the break up and said a few things but I also gave him space..so it’s been about 2 week’s since I messages him last(I said about coming over which he said he could but nothing else after…)we broke up end of jan..haven’t seen each other since mid jan… Now what? I can’t stop obsessing about him I want to see him so bad and not sure if he even misses me but definitely doesn’t feel he cares anymore!!! What do I do please kindly help me an tell me what I should do to fix our relationship or myself..I can’t move on with anyone else till I get closure I guess.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Sometimes it’s the short, intense relationships that give us the false illusion of having a deeper impact compared to the longer, more stable ones. The speed that everything happens at amplifies your feelings towards the person, making you feel this way right now. I suggest giving it another 2 weeks of space before contacting him once more and trying to get your answers from there – whether he misses you or cares. Regardless, this should be taken as either a second chance at the relationship (if he responds positively) or closure (if he doesn’t), since the relationship was not a very long one.

Angie
Angie
Hi Kevin My ex and i broke up January last year, we were together 13 years. We both live in the same suburb, frequent the same social circle, we both sail. It’s a small village type place we live in. He really hurt me, however i still love him. Last year when we separated we still did things together. I still sailed with him. We’d meet up at the pub, we’d still socialise and meet up during the week. We spent christmas together. However in between all of that, he was enjoying his “single” life. So i did the stalking, i’d show up at his house unannounced to see who he invited over, we’d end up in arguments. He was enjoying the best of both worlds. Keeping me close as his comfort, going out partying and had female company. We’d then fight alot about it. As he would say, well i’m single i can!I guess he had a point. I’d say fine, but stop giving me the wrong messages and stop only contacting me when it suited him! So i’ve done all the bad things. Got needy, stalked, begged, mean text messages telling him that he’s a bad person etc. He told me to leave him alone and wished me well. Finally i decided that i’d do the NO CONTACT. I stopped going to our social hangouts, or i’d make sure he wasn’t going to be there that afternoon. Mutual friends would let me know. They do tell me what he’s up too. I sometimes don’t like what i hear. I sent him a message after 30 days saying, Hey good to see the Rabbits are winning the game! He came back straight away saying he missed the start and then finished it by saying that he thought my new FB profile was really lovely. (He unfriended me on Facebook a month ago), so i guess he’s FB stalking sometimes. Although we have alot of mutual friends online, he can see what i’m up too. And then i hadn’t heard from him!! I can’t help myself though sometimes and i messenger stalk to see if he’s online. I did that the other night and i accidently pressed the Thumbs Up icon! I nearly died! And fair enough, he replied with Hello. I came back and said sorry i was expecting you would reply. He said he didn’t understand and said good night. I then just said, it was an accident ok. So ugggg, what do i do with that! One, i know stop looking at messenger, however i feel now he’s thinking about me, she’s looking at me online! Do i need to NC again for a couple of weeks?… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since you’ve completed NC, it’s safe to show the results off either by visiting the social venues you used to frequent, or even through social media. Showing your changes off is crucial in getting your ex to start thinking of you again, and even miss you or regret breaking up after he realizes what he let slip by ending things.

Stranger
Stranger

I was following no contact rule but after 21 days my ex texted me to thank for the gift i send to her before break up. And replied soon with some emotions in reply.. She texted back and again i texted back but after that she didn’t replied. After 2 days i texted her back some funny message but i think i ruined it. And again at last i texted her saying that ‘i really appreciate what you have done for me i want to thank you in a person’ she replied after 12 hours saying ‘ what i’ ve done for you? ‘ it’s been 12 hours i haven’t replied back what should i do. My emotions are still over me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Complete the message you were intending to send, then apply no contact again for another week or two to gather your emotions and composure. Follow the guidelines and steps we’ve listed here, and you should be fine.

SV
SV

Hey guys,

A little background, after 1.5 years my ex broke up with me. Things went pretty bad the last two months and he said he dont see it going anywhere. We were in ldr and we commute between continents. So our last days I went to him, and he was insanely angry over everything.

Main anger was my ex before him and the rest are build ups i guess.

He said he still wants to talk to me but he needs time, I took the opportunity to do NC, and was working on myself. I was pretty suprised with myself, I mean I grieve but it wasnt as bad as breakups before, I guess I really love him and I want to be a better version of myself.

Slightly more than a month I remember contemplating on breaking the NC but was bit nervous about what to say – till I accidentally slipped and sent him a cow emoji (also a inside joke about how Im always hungry) and he surprisingly replies. Since then I decided to build rapport via text – except he takes forever to reply, but he still replies.

I guess untill last week (its been almost 3 months since the breakup now) where I wasnt sure if he was going to reply or not. His pace are a couple of days. I read somewhere that he’s probably on reactance and its probably best to address the elephant in the room. So i sent him a text saying i understand why he left, that im sorry, my healing process and im not pressuring him to do anything. He replies almost immidiately saying he’s still furious and he underestimated himself, and he is furious of the idea of talking to me and he thinks itll take a long time.

Does this fall into the anger category that he cares too much hence he’s furious? Do I still have a chance? Any advice on where to go from here?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, often times anger is a sign of feelings/passion that are just expressed in another way because of the situation. If he didn’t care and has moved on, he wouldn’t be feeling angry anymore but nonchalant about everything. Since he feels angry still, perhaps you might want to consider giving him even more time to let go of the past, before trying again. In the meantime since you’ve already established some form of rapport with him, you could continue the conversation but do so casually and be mentally prepared to restart NC again if he responds negatively at any point.

SV
SV

Thanks for the reply Ryan!

Is it considered rapport despite him taking a few days up to a week to reply a text? Any tips on how to overcome his reactance if we are in different continents?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I always like to think that a slow reply is better than no reply at all. As long as he’s responding positively, it’s still considered building rapport (although it may be slow). If you are on different continents and it becomes hard to meet, your exchange of text messages could include an interest in what he’s up to on his side of the country, and generally keeping the topics vibrant. You could even throw in a little flirting if things are going positively to further peak his interests and attention.

Amie
Amie

I have a few questions regarding the texting after no contact.
Here’s my situation: Ex and I broke up, and then tried to be friends right after. That ended up being too much for both of us at the moment, so we ended the friendship. We both need some space.

I talked to a friend about my situation, and she suggested a memory text to start off. I agree with her, because I’m afraid starting off with the elephant in the room text might be too much at once. I don’t want my ex to think I have any ulterior motives, which I don’t. I just want us to work on being friends again and seeing where it goes.

As far as the elephant in the room text, is it better to keep it short and to the point? I have it written out, and it’s fairly long. Also, if she asks me why I’m texting her, should I just go ahead with the elephant in the room text?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could do the memory text first, that works in line with our steps of texting your ex something like ‘I walked past this cute cafe we went to once and it reminded me of you, etc, etc’ and depending on how he responds to you, you could continue with the elephant in the room further down if things are slightly more comfortable.

Josh
Josh

Me and my girlfriend had an on and off again relationship for about a year and a half, but were very consistent the last 9 months of our relationship. We started going to different schools in different states and she broke up with me becuase the long distance was too hard. After about 3 weeks of being broken up i told her I was willing to transfer schools of it meant we could be together and she said no and said it was because of some differences that we had that during the relationship didnt bother her but being out of the relationship she learned that they did bother her. Things like political views and old habbits. I came up with a plan to change alot of those habbits and presented it to her with some change but she said no again. I started no contact for about 2 1/2 months trying to move on and nothing has worked and still feel that confidence and longing to want to be with this person. I just recently contacted her again and was able to call and we talked for about 10 minutes just catching up until she had to go. What are my nexts steps here since it is still long distance and the next time we would be able to see each other is summer?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

For the time until the summer, you should slowly rebuild the bond and connection you once shared with her, but starting off as friends first. Get her to see the changes you’ve made and let her feel more comfortable being close to you again.

Sam
Sam

So I used NC for 5 months, this was following 6 a months messy breakup. I am now texting my ex, initially very warm and as if nothing had happened. I didn’t stop short as I should have done in the template. We are now almost 2 weeks in. She has reached out once to wish me for my birthday, I have 3 times. Where do I go from here? Message again or wait for her to message first? The texts are getting shorter but positive none the less, they’re very casual funny jokey type messages.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could continue to talk to her and try conversational topics that require an exchange from both parties. If she still finds a way to cut things short, perhaps you might want to consider giving her more space under normal circumstances. However because you actually went on NC for 5 months following a 6 month relationship (I am not clear if it was a 6-month long breakup or 6-month relationship), there’s a possibility she may have lost feelings for you already, in which case you’ll you have to build it back up.

Sam
Sam

Thanks for the reply. It was a 6 month relationship and the breakup was just as long. I asked her to call me as I wanted her advise and she did. After some initial awkwardness we ended up having a 90 min pleasant conversation. I ended it on the pretext it was getting late. Strategy wise what would be the next step, timescales etc? Having such a long first conversation is that a bullet in the foot? We had been texting back and forth a little the previous few weeks.

Stacey
Stacey

My ex began no contact with me.Should I break it after the thirty days or wait until he does? He was very angry after our break up and blocked me on Facebook and whatsapp. It is also a ldr as we live in different countries.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on where you stand on the relationship and break up, as well as whether you think he’s keen to get back together with you. By initiating contact first, you may put yourself in a disadvantage because he has control over the situation and whether to ignore you or continue the conversation. I would suggest waiting for him to initiate contact if you’re certain that he’s going through no contact right now.

Oli
Oli

Hey guys, my ex broke up with me a bit over a month ago, I did 30 days of no contact (Plus a bit more), I then texted my ex is a positive way, not mentioning the past relationship. She replied the next morning also acting in a nice positive way but not really trying to continue the conversation. I replied anyway later that day, again just being positive and I have not heard anything from her in 5 days. What should I do? the thing that confuses me the most is that I have a chat group with my family that she still hasn’t left and she still reads the messages but says nothing.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could continue with NC in the meantime, because based on how it looks, she may still have feelings for you but simply isn’t ready to get back together or start a close friendship so soon.

Oli
Oli

Hi Ryan, thanks for the quick response! Having only just read this it is now 9 days with no response, should I wait a bit longer and then contact her again or should I wait and see if she contacts me? Thanks again 🙂

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could consider completing another 2 weeks of NC first before trying to initiate further contact with her. If she still responds negatively, you might have to prolong it further, or even consider walking away if it’s going to take too long and you aren’t able to wait.

Ramirez
Ramirez

Is flirting during the reconnect/friendship phase something i should do? Or should i avoid it?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s something you should consider if the opportunity presents itself. Keep it natural and not too obvious or it might cause her to raise her defenses especially if she isn’t ready to get back together yet.

David
David

Hey Kevin,

So I was recently broken up with 2 weeks ago, she said she felt like she needed to learn how to be independent and focus on herself. Resulting in her moving out, she say she misses me but has no intention of getting back together right now, maybe down the road. Weridest thing is I can text her and it can be fairly fast responses but she refuses to talk to me on the phone or meet me in person. I’m not sure what to do at this point, its obvious she cares for me but maybe she genuinely does just need time to figure herself out.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s always easier to distance yourself from the situation when you’re texting, instead of talking over the phone or in person, hence her actions. As you’ve pointed out, the best thing right now you can do without pushing her away is to give her the space and time to figure things out by herself. You could continue to text her to build a bond up, but it isn’t recommended because that interferes with her process which she may eventually start getting irritated with you. Also, by continuing to text her, you may feel upset or get angry because things don’t turn out the way you want them to, which will push her further away.

tiruworq
tiruworq

hi kelvin ,i saw your reply but what kind of things
can I use to make my exboyfriend fall in love once
again and also arrange second date please give
me a direction or way to how ?thank you .

tiruworq
tiruworq

hi kelvin ,i saw your reply but what kind of things can I use to make my exboyfriend fall in love once again and also arrange second date please give me a direction or way to how ?thank you .

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Continue to take things calm and casually, and as far as making him fall in love with you again, that’s something we won’t be able to tell you specifically but rather by being yourself. Remember that you were once a couple and at one point he did fall in love with you. You’ll have to think back to how it happened and whether you’re able to re-create the spark once more.

Truelove
Truelove

Hey Kevin, I wrote that “ i”ve have a new lease of my life” she is asking. What does that mean?. She wrote twice now in last two days and I did not answer. What should I answer?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on what you meant by that. You could just be yourself and answer in context to the conversation – a new view of life and you feel that you’ve changed since.

Lucas
Lucas

I did NC for a month and my ex reached out to me on two different social media platforms. On one she accused me of blocking her because i had “found someone and didnt want her to see” when i post pics of me and this “new” girl together. On the other she told me she missed me. I ignored the messages as there was one week left of NC, and after NC i sent the elephant in the room text and immediately got a positive response i guess not sure if its positive however. She said she missed talking to me and that i was her best friend. We dated for about 5 years. I tried to keep the conversation light but she quickly asked if we can be friends and idk if i messed up but i said sure. After that she bombarded me with a lot of stuff that she has been up to. It’s really hard not to feel like im just in the friendzone. What do i do with this??!! Please help!!!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Do understand that starting off as friends is only natural on re-contact. You will have to build up the bond and chemistry again if you want a relationship with her again in the future. Her response to you was at least positive, which is already a good start under these circumstances. Be there as a friend for now, and work your way towards something more slowly.

Lucas
Lucas

Should i still try to keep conversations short and avoid texting her on certain days like one of the templates you have on here? She already suggested we hang out some time to a movie or something. She didnt set a date nor did i but she suggested it. It’s just really difficult to not feel like she’s friendzoning me, you know? She suggested hanging out literally the same day i sent the elephant in the room text. I actually didn’t even expect a reply! I was just gonna wait another week to try to reach out but she said she missed me soooo much and that i was her best friend and asked if we could be friends.

Issac
Issac

I was in a relationship with my ex for about 9 months before she broke up with me. I did no contact for about 1 month (during which she tried to text me a few times which I replied to but ended the conversation as quickly as I could) and after we started texting again the first 2 weeks or so we would actually have some good conversations but now this past week it feels like every time I try to text her she always replies with things that end the conversation and make it very hard to keep it going. I do not know if she is purposely trying to end the conversation or is just saying less which gives me less to work with.
Any advice?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Could it be possible that she’s currently busy or distracted with something else or even possibly upset with you? If that isn’t the case, you might have to consider if she is interested in someone else that she did not express to you, or has moved on already.

Tessa
Tessa

Hey Kevin! I really need ur help.

My ex and I broke up around 3 months ago. I did no contact for the first month and then we started texting, texting was fine and he agreed he’d like to catch up but kept putting it off or not making an offical date/time. Around 2 weeks ago I did something bad where I text him a big message saying I want to know what’s going on before I start my study because it’s not good for my headspace and why he keeps leading me on and not actually making a date and time to catch up and that’s it’s preventing me from moving on and maybe we should stop contact all together. He replied saying he kept putting it off because he sensed I wanted a relationship and that he’s not interested in a relationship and is happy to catch up down the line. After this I begged for sex and then he kept saying it’s not good for me long term. After this I got mad because he didn’t reply to me so I went to his house to get my stuff he had but he wouldn’t come outside and said he’d catch up with me another day to give it to me. I also told him I was moving and that I had a boyfriend (which is all lies, I wanted to hurt him). We are meeting up on Tuesday at the dog park and I don’t know what to do, I have just gone away for the weekend to see if I truly care about him and want him in my life and I realised I do. I’ve acted out of character and I’m embarrassed, I apologised to him and he agreed to meet up at the dog park. Since I am away I sent him some photos of my hotel saying it’s amazing I never want to leave and he replied with a smiley face only. I asked if he is having a good Saturday and he replied with yes, nice and quiet. It’s raining here. I then sent a photo of an artwork saying glad ur enjoying yourself. Check out this, what do you think? But he didn’t reply.

My questions are, do I have a chance?
How can I build emotional connection with him?
How can I correct my lies about moving and new partner?
What do I do Kevin, please help. I was doing so well until a few weeks ago when everything became real.

Thank you

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You may have a chance still, but probably only in the future. It depends on the context of the breakup as well as the relationship itself, to determine if your ex has moved on already or not. However, all things considered, it would still be a good idea to come clean when you meet him about your new partner and just apologize. If you’re still very affected by things, continue with no contact after this meet up and focus on changing the irrational or impulsive side. If he sensed that you wanted a relationship now, it may still be too soon to build an emotional connection with him because his guard is up.

Tessa
Tessa
Thank u for your reply. I am 23 and he is 28. We were together a bit over two years, up and down. He left me once before about a year ago and I applied your no contact rule and it worked like a treat, he basically cried when we met up and told me how much he missed me. Everything was ok up until we went on a two week holiday with his dad, the holiday was fantastic. We seemed to both enjoy, and I met a lot of his parents friends and colleagues. His parents really like me. Prior to the trip I had mentioned to him I felt he should maybe start getting his life in shape as he’s getting to 28 and doesn’t have a stable job only contract work. I mentioned this to him because Im in a position of trust and care and he didn’t say too much and we seemed to move past it (no argument). I thought I may have upset him so didn’t mention it again. Around 3 weeks later when we were on our holiday he come to me and said I’m gonna go back to uni so I can get a better job and looked really happy. I was really happy and encouraged this as I want what’s best for him. Later during the holiday I became insecure and I said if ur going back to uni how will u have enough time to spend with me and also I want to live together, we been together for two years now, it would make everything a lot easier for both of us. He said if anything he’d have more time for me and too relax. Anyway the trip went on, was good. No more mention. Anyway when we got back to our town it was a different story he started to act weird sayin he needed his space and he began to cause an argument about nothing and made me cry. He screamed at me that he needs his space. Things were a bit on/off for next two weeks. He lied to me about going out with his friends when he said he was at home reading, I called to ask about his mums birthday for the next day to organise and I heard him out parting so I got mad and called him 13 times after this we had a good weekend and I thought we fixed it but we didn’t. I dropped him at his parents house and I told him if he didn’t get it together I was leaving him, if our relationship wasn’t moving forward and he didn’t start treating me better I was leaving.… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I think you’ve done extremely well thus far, and you’ve been extremely mature in your actions despite certain setbacks. What I could suggest is that you continue with what you’ve been doing so far, and to check in on him every now and then as a friend. Keep things casual and try to slowly re-start a friendship once more. Build your way up from there, but do remember that these things take time and a lot of patience. You’ve got to remember the end goal whenever things get tough, and do your best not to let your emotions or instincts run the show.

Tessa
Tessa

Hey!!

Just an update after a few weeks I cut off communication with him and did no contact for 1 week, I felt I didn’t know if I wanted to be his friend. After 1 week I sent him a message saying I just went for a jog and wanted to send you a message, I made a mistake and I do want to keep you as a friend in my life. He replied quickly saying he’s glad I messaged him, because the thought of not hearing from me again made him sad. We continued chatting for the last few days (he seems to have let his guard down a bit more now). I asked him about a question from my university paper and he even went to the effort of asking his mum for the answer as she is already a lawyer. We have still been texting everyday since Sunday, which is only a few days but I feel like my feelings have come back strong now and I don’t want to scare him away. Should I tell him how I feel? I also suggested we catch up for coffee on Monday when he is free and he said yeah that would be nice, but how about we let things cool over for a few weeks first? I said ok and we continued to chat. I’m not sure what to do, I feel worried someone else will interest him since we broke up in November, but we were together about 2 years.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should continue to maintain this level of friendship with him for the time being, and not overextend your feelings to him until you at least meet him, and get a gauge of how he feels towards you based on his body language and tone. You can make a decision again from there, whether to express your feelings to him.

Pippa
Pippa

I’ve been seeing a guy for over a year. We never made our relationship official because although he said and acted like he was crazy about me, he was worried he would mess up if we were in a relationship and he’d lose me forever. He suffers with anxiety and has cheated on a previous girlfriend, he never wants to do that again but it’s now become a fear that he’s capable of it. He freaked out this week because I asked him to do something which he thought was v couply and said he wanted to do it but was worried about all the above, the conversation spiralled as I got upset that it was never going to go anywhere and he convinced himself he’s not good enough for me and we should just be friends so he can’t hurt me and I told him we can’t just be friends.
I’ve given him a break for 2 days so far and haven’t heard anything. I wasn’t sure whether to keep going no contact or try and talk this out because it was left so confusing.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

An emotional issue like this can’t exactly be talked out, and it’s something that he has to work out on his own. You could always try to support him and facilitate a mindset change in his anxiety and thoughts towards cheating on his partner or not being good enough, but you have to be prepared to go through a lot of difficulties and be extremely patient as the starting part won’t be easy.

Jack
Jack

Hi kevin, Im finishing No contact but i know Ill have to send and elephant in the room text. She said she just didint feel it in the relationship anymore and thats why she broke up with me. I feel like i pushed her too quickly and tried to get serious too fast. I do love her and only want to make her happy but i really messed it up. I tried talking to her casually for a week after we broke up and she was responding to me but only short awnsers. I tried to meet up with her and kept saying i wanted to be friends. At first she seemed nuetral to the idea but i really wanted to see her so i kept texting her a few times a day. Eventually she got mad after about a week and blew up at me telling me to leave her alone. When we were talking she causually mentioned getting me my stuff from her place one day and i said id find a time but it never came up again. When i semd the elephant in the room text should i memtion getting my stuff as a pretext to texting her again? Or should i wait and not mention it for a while? I know i came off needy before and if i dont say that right away im worried she’ll see my trying to talk to her as friends again as just a way to try to change her mind. Please tell me what i should do to get civil conversation going again. We were only together 2.5 months but i do truely love her and want her to be happy.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you really want to be together with her again, you’ll have to control your emotions and not come across as being needy or desperate. Take things slow, and you could start the elephant in the room text with the mention of getting your stuff back. However, you should be prepared to actually do so because chasing her again should be something done from the beginning (as if you were chasing her for the first time), and not a continuation of the previous relationship. So it might be good to clear all previous baggage before starting on a fresh page.

Manish
Manish

Hi Kevin, My gf broke up with me after a 7 years long relationship. She told me I was the negative person in her life but I was not negative. I am feeling like I am stabbed to death. All of a sudden she came up with an issue and broke me down. Now she told she has moved on.i messaged her and told her to change decision. It’s been 3 days we broke up.dont know if she will be back or not.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You may not see the negativity, but she may have felt it. It’s better at this point to apply No Contact first, before trying anything again. You should also figure out what were the issues specifically she felt about you, that made her think of you as a negative person, and work on these issues. If it turns out that it really was an excuse to leave you for something else, depending on what it is, you might have to consider moving on.

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