Text messages are one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal when you are trying to get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back. But you must use them correctly or you might end up losing your ex forever.

This in-depth guide will tell you how to use text messages correctly (with examples) when you are trying to win your ex back.

Why text messages and how you can use them to get your ex back?

If you call your ex all of a sudden, they will probably think that you want something from them.

If you send your ex an email, it’ll be impossible to have a conversation with them. This makes it look like you don’t want to speak with them, alluding to the conclusion that you want to move on or you just want closure.

But a text message has the right amount of ambiguity. It leaves enough doubt for your ex to wonder what is going on with you and why you are contacting them. This curiosity gives you a unique opportunity to make them attracted to you again. To build rapport. To build trust.

But there’s a catch. You can’t just text anything to your ex and expect them to start feeling attracted to you. Would you feel attracted to someone who texted you something like this?

Hey, I still want you back. Please come back to me

Or

“I don’t think I can ever find someone like you. Please come back.”

Or

“I am sorry for cheating on you with your best friend. I’ll never do it again. Please come back.”

You cannot simply send them anything that comes to your mind. In fact, if you text your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend the wrong way, you will most likely turn them off and make them lose attraction, connection and trust. And that’s where I come in.

My name is Kevin Thompson and I’ve been helping people with breakups and getting their ex back for the past five years. Over the years, texting has become an important tool to reconnect with your ex after a breakup. So I decided to create the ultimate guide for the art of using text messages to get your ex back.

This guide is designed to help you get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back with the right text messages. Text messages that build attraction, connection and trust. It’ll teach you how to text your ex for the first time after no contact, how to turn your text messages into deep meaningful conversations and it’ll teach you how to transition from text messages to a phone call or a date.

This guide has five parts.

  1. When you should text your ex
  2. The Basics of texting your ex
  3. Texting your ex for the first time
  4. Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
  5. Transitioning from Text Messages to a Phone or a date

In case you’ve not yet read our guide on getting your ex back, you should go ahead and do so [it’s free]. This will give you the full picture and a plan to follow. This article only focuses on texting an ex. But if you want to get your ex back and keep them permanently, you need to know about a lot of things other than texting.

Guide On Getting Ex Girlfriend Back [Opens in a new window]

Guide On Getting Ex Boyfriend Back [Opens in a new window]

Alright, now that you’ve read the article and are ready to get your ex back permanently. Let’s start.

Part 1: When Should You Text Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend?

Before you text your ex, you must have answers to a few very specific questions.

  • Why are you texting your ex?
  • Why do you want to get back together?
  • Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
  • What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

If you’ve just broken up and landed on this article, then there’s a good chance that your answers to the above questions will be something like this.

Why are you texting your ex?

  • Because I want to get my ex back.
  • Because I miss my ex.
  • Because I just want to speak to them.
  • Because I have a few questions and I want closure.

Why do you want to get back together?

  • Because I love my ex.
  • Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
  • This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.

Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?

  • Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
  • Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
  • Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.

What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

  • I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
  • I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
  • I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.

Now, I am not sure if you see what’s wrong with these answers, so let me analyze them for you and tell you why answers like these show that you are not ready to contact your ex.

Are you sure that you are contacting your ex for the right reasons? Want to skip ahead to the next part of this article? The part where I talk about texting? Click here to scroll down to the next section of this article.

Why are you texting your ex?

  • Because I want to get my ex back.
  • Because I miss my ex.
  • Because I just want to speak to them.
  • Because I have a few questions and I want closure.

Analyzing Answers:

You should only text your ex if you want them back.

If you are texting them to get closure, you are just wasting your time because there is a good chance the answers to your questions will give rise to new questions.

It will not give you closure and it will certainly not help you get over them. If you are texting your ex boyfriend or girlfriend because you miss them, then it will just make you look needy and desperate and it will make them not want to text you.

Why do you want to get back together?

  • Because I love my ex.
  • Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
  • This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.

Analyzing Answers:

Do you notice how all the above answers are about what you want and not your ex or your relationship?

Why would this work if your ex doesn’t love you, if your ex can live without you, and if the breakup is not as painful for them as it is for you?

None of those reasons are good enough for your ex to even consider getting back together.

But let’s just focus on yourself for a moment. Are these reasons good enough for you to want them back?

Sure, you love your ex now, but you can move on and start loving someone again.

After all, everyone in this world has the capability to move on from a breakup and start loving someone again. It’s the way humans are built.

Sure, you feel the breakup pain is too much for you right now. But studies after studies have shown that you can recover from a breakup. With time and proper care, you heal and start feeling better, happier, and more confident.

Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?

  • Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
  • Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
  • Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.

Analyzing Answers:

Again, all these reasons are focused on you and not really give an incentive for your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend to want to get back together.

In fact, reasons like this show that you are just focused on yourself and don’t really care about what your ex wants. They also show that you are insecure and needy.

Why would they get back together with someone who is so selfish and insecure?

But, I will do anything to get back together. How is that selfish?

Just because you will do anything doesn’t mean your reasons for getting back together are altruistic. Let’s look at your answers to the third question.

What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

  • I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
  • I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
  • I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.

Analyzing Answers:

If you can realize your mistakes now and can stop yourself from making them again, why didn’t you do it while you still had your ex?

If it was so easy to stop making mistakes, then you wouldn’t have let your ex leave you in the first place.

In reality, it takes a lot of work and a lot of time to make real changes in your behavior and habits. It takes a lot of self-awareness and practice to stop making your insecurity and neediness affect your relationship. In a lot of cases, it takes professional help to let go of the bad habits that ruin your love life and relationships.

In fact, if you just broke up, then there’s a good chance you don’t really understand the real reason you broke up. Take this quiz to help you understand why you broke up and what are your chances of getting back together.

If you just broke up, your ex has no reason to believe things will be different this time. And they will have no reason to want to try again.

If you want to get them back, you will actually need to make a lot of positive changes in yourself. Again, read the 5 step plan to learn how to do that.

The answer to these questions are important. You must be clear why you want to get back together and you must be sure that things will be different this time. Then and only then you will be ready to contact your ex.

Of course, you should also do no contact before you text them. You can also send them a short email or a hand written letter before you decide to text them for the first time. More about no contact, the email and the hand written letter can be found in the 5 step plan to get your ex back.

Should you text your ex on their birthday or special occasions?

If you are doing no contact, then you should avoid texting your ex during birthdays or any other special occasions. Texting them on birthdays or special occasions does not accomplish anything. Moreover, they might feel like you are using the special occasion to get back in touch with them. And that will make you look desperate.

If you really want to wish them on birthdays or on a special occasion, it is best to keep the text short and to the point. For example, a birthday text should be something like this.

Hey, Happy Birthday!. I hope you have a great year ahead.

You should not use the text to start a conversation. For example, this text is not recommended when you wish them birthday.

Hey, Happy Birthday. I have been missing you. How have you been?

See, this text makes it obvious that you are using your ex’s birthday to start a conversation with them. This will turn them off and make them not want to talk to you.

What if my ex’s birthday fall at the end of no contact?

In this situation, I recommend that you extend no contact for another week or two. You can wish them on their birthday but you should still stick to the script and keep the conversation short.

What if my ex wants to speak to me after I wish them?

If they respond to you asking a question, answer to them in an upbeat manner but don’t give them anything to extend the conversation.

For example,

Thank you. How have you been?

I have been doing well. Thank you for asking.

Part 2: The Basics of Texting Your Ex Back

Texting your ex doesn’t have to be very complicated. All you have to do is understand the basics, follow a few templates and just go with the flow. In this section, we will talk about the basics.

Here’s what you should aim to achieve when you are texting your ex.

  • Make them crave your text.
  • They should be excited to receive a text from you.
  • They should be looking forward to having a texting conversation with you.
  • Make them associate texting you with something exciting.
  • Make them want to reply to you immediately after they receive your text.
  • Make them start initiating texting conversations with you.
  • Make them want to take it to the next level (phone calls or a date).

exciting ex with text messagesTo achieve that, you must remember the golden rule. The golden rule of texting your ex is to never send a negative text to your ex.

Here are some examples of negative texts that will probably make your ex not want to receive texts from you.

You are horrible human being for doing what you did. I am glad you are out of my life.

If you don’t answer my texts, I’ll burn every love letter that you wrote for me.

How can you just leave your son like that. You are terrible father/mother.

You are not fooling anybody by acting aloof. I know you are miserable and I hope you stay miserable for the rest of your life.

I need you in my life. I can’t live without you.

Hateful texts, threats, needy texts and any negative text in general is a big no. You can never make them associate texting you with something exciting if you send the above texts even once.

To make them associate you with someone exciting and your texts with something exciting, you must be consistent in your texting.

You must be able to consistently provide exciting and interesting conversations.

If you can’t they will either label you as boring, needy, or just a negative person.

What if I already sent a lot of negative or needy texts?

Do no contact for a while. This will give them time to forget all the negativity and maybe even start missing the good times they had with you.

You can also use the “Elephant in the Room” text discussed later in this guide to swipe the slate clean and start over.

The Frequency of Texting.

Ideally, you and your ex should text each other every day.

You know how lovers text each other? The first text in the morning and the last text before sleeping?

That is the type of frequency you want to achieve. But, you must take it slow. Very, very slow.

If you immediately start messaging your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend every morning and every night, you are going to sound an alarm in their brain that will make them put all their defenses up.

But if you start with just one text message and slowly very slowly start increasing the frequency, they will probably not notice.

It will feel very natural to them and they will feel the attraction and connection you build is also natural. Heck, if you do it right, they will start increasing the frequency of text messages and there’s a good chance they will start talking about getting back together.

OK Kevin, but how do I do that?

Here’s a sample timeline for texting your ex. This can change depending on your situation, the intensity of the conversations you are having and how often your ex initiates texting.

  • Day 1: First text message and a short conversation.
  • Day 2: Don’t initiate texting. If your ex initiates, reply to them but end it as soon as possible.
  • Day 3: Same as Day 2.
  • Day 4: Initiate the conversation. Make it longer than your first conversation but not too lengthy. Give them something to think about.
  • Day 5: Same as Day 2
  • Day 6: Don’t initiate. If they initiate, reply and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
  • Day 7: Initiate and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
  • Day 8: Same as Day 6.
  • Day 9: Same as Day 7.
  • Day 10. Initiate a conversation in the morning, and in the evening. Continue each conversations for as long as you like.
  • Day 11: Same as Day 6
  • Day 12: Same as Day 7
  • Day 13: Same as Day 7
  • Day 14: Same as Day 10

Makes sense? Just mix it up a bit and keep having interesting conversations with your ex. Slowly, but steadily keep increasing the frequency until they are used to having you text them and they are used to initiate texting.

Miscommunication and Negativity in the conversation

If you and your ex are speaking to each other on a constant basis, there is a good chance either one of you will encounter miscommunication and/or negativity in the conversation. Here’s what to do when you encounter them.

Miscommunication

Whenever you encounter a miscommunication, it’s best to clear it straight away instead of waiting your ex to figure out what you said.

This can easily happen if you are using sarcasm in your messages. It’s best to avoid sarcasm in text messages unless you are absolutely sure your ex will get it.

sarcasm-texting-ex

Similarly, if at any time, you are not sure about what your ex is saying or if they are being sarcastic, it’s best to ask them clearly what they mean instead of trying to figure out what they meant.

Negativity

Whenever you feel the conversation is going to take a negative turn, you have three options.

1. Try to end the conversation and try again after a couple of days.

2. Try to resolve the issue without speaking about it in detail.

3. Talk about the issue in detail and clear things out.

If you’ve just started speaking to your ex, then I recommend you choose the first option. If your ex still feels negatively about you, the breakup or the relationship; then he/she is not ready to open up and speak about the issues in a calm manner. In this situation, it’s best to acknowledge the negativity and your ex’s feelings, apologize if necessary and end the conversation.

For example,

I can’t believe you can be so selfish. You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.

I understand how you feel. I was selfish and I am sorry for what I did. I am learning more about myself every day and I’ve realized why I acted the way I did. I feel that you and I both need some more space before we can speak objectively. I hope we can speak soon and I want you to know that I’ll always wish you the best.

If the conversation is about to take a negative turn but it’s not very serious, you can acknowledge the negativity and the reason for it and try to move on.

For example,

Yeah, we had fun in the Bahamas. I wish you hadn’t been busy with your laptop all the time.

You can sense that your ex is upset about you not being present when you were supposed to spend quality time with them. You can acknowledge the issue without offering a solution.

Yikes! I actually saw that coming. You are right though. My schedule was all over the place. I wish I had spent more quality time with you when I had the chance. Well. Live and learn I guess.

If the conversation is about to take a negative turn and the issue is serious, then you might want to speak about it in detail. For example,

It seems you have really changed. I hated it that you never gave me space. I almost felt like you want to control everything in my life.

You are right. I did want to control everything around me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and even gone to therapy. I realized my habits were formed when I was a child. I never really felt loved because my parents were always busy with work. When I fell in love with you and realized you loved me too, I was doing everything in my power to not lose it. I was controlling everything out of fear of losing my love. I’ve now realized how unhealthy it was, both for me and our relationship. I’ve realized a lot of my other unhealthy habits as well. Anyways, this is too much to talk about via text messages, do you want to get on a call?

Notice that if it’s a serious issue, it’s best you take the conversation to a phone call. But before you ask them to do so, you should give them a good reason to believe that you have really changed. And at no point of time you should speak to them about getting back together.

WhatsApp, iMessage, Line, Viber, Snapchat. What should you choose to text them?

There are so many apps you can use to text your ex. Which app is the best?

It’s simple. Use the app you know that your ex uses most. Some apps do have an advantage over others, but those advantages are very minor and if you use the strategies laid out in this guide, those advantages will not matter at all. For example, WhatsApp gives you the ability to see if a message has been read by your ex while line and viber gives you a range of emoticons and animations to choose from.

Almost all the apps today can send Gifs. You can use Gifs to make references to your favorite movies or TV shows. (Download Giphy to get access to a lot of Gifs). However, make sure that you use Gifs sparingly and only if your ex responds to them with positively. Gifs cannot be used to build attraction with your ex. But they are good for an occasional laugh.

Part 3: The First Text for Your Ex aka What to text your ex after no contact

Your ex is probably expecting a text from you after you broke up with them. But texting them immediately after a breakup is a mistake. You should do no contact before you text your ex. Take some time out for yourself, work on yourself, make some positive changes in your life and make sure that getting back together is the right decision for you.

What to text your ex boyfriend or girlfriend after no contact?

Once you have done no contact and you are absolutely sure you want your ex back, it’s time to initiate contact. Your first contact with your ex can be in the form of an email, a hand written letter or a text. You can read the guide on getting your ex back for more details on the email and hand written letter. This guide will focus on how to text your ex after no contact.

When you first contact your ex, you can use one of the following templates.

The Memory Text.

This one is quite famous and you’ve probably come across it. You simply use something to make a connection with your ex and say that it reminded you of them. The key to this text is to keep it light hearted. If possible, add a little bit humor. You want them to believe that you are no longer needy or desperate and that you will not really try to talk about getting back together.

For example,

Hey, I was just walking down the St Johns street and came across that restaurant with amazing Shawarmas. Reminded me of you (and how we went there after watching Avengers). How have you been?

Hey, I just watched the latest season of Game of Thrones. You were right. Jon Snow really doesn’t know anything. It made me think of you right after I almost cried in excitement. Anyways, how have you been?

You can also mix it with something that’s been happening in your ex’s life.

For example,

Hey, I finally got around to reading the Harry Potter books. You were right. I should have read them long time ago. But, hey I got to experience the Hogwarts magic at 28. Speaking of magic, how was your show at the club last night?

The Advice Text

One of the easiest way to get someone to feel good about themselves is to ask them for advice. People love to give advice and you can use this to your advantage when you are trying to re-spark attraction with your ex with text messages.

The key to this text is to find something your ex is an expert at, or is at least interested in.

But before asking them, ask them if you can ask them about it. Makes sense? It will in a second.

For example,

Hey, my nephew has this weird math problem that none of us could solve. Can I ask you about it?

Sure.

See, how you are taking their permission before asking them the question. This almost guarantees a response from them because they want to know the question.

We just can’t figure out what is the square root of 16.” [Note: come up with a better question than that]

Oh, that’s simple. It’s 4.

Wow. Thanks a lot. I was always amazed at what a genius you are at math. How have you been?

This template is great to get your ex to respond to you. You totally fly under their radar when you ask them for advice. Here’s another example using the same template.

Hey, my friend just started cooking and he asked me a weird question. I am totally confused. Can I ask you about it?

OK

Is it okay to add onions when I am cooking a steak?

Umm, if it’s a good quality steak, it’s probably best not to add any onions. But if you want to experiment, go ahead.

Thanks. I love how you are so good at cooking anything. And I loved the chili you made for me that day. Where did you learn to make it?

Again, come up with better questions than that. I am totally pulling this out from nowhere as I am writing this article and if you use the questions in the above examples, your ex will probably see through them.

Make your questions genuine and be genuinely curious about their answer.

The Elephant in the Room Text.

elephant-texting

What if your break up was really bad? What if you made a lot of mistakes after the breakup? What if you acted needy, desperate, creepy and maybe even stalky? What if you cheated on your ex? What if your ex cheated on you?

If you fall in any of the above category, then there is a good chance you will not be able to use any of the first text messages as templates to get back in touch. If the last thing your ex said to you was something along the lines of

“I hate you. Please never contact me again.”

You can’t just act as if it didn’t happen and just casually start talking about how Jon Snow knew nothing in the latest episode of Game of Thrones.

jon-snow-texting-ex

I am not obsessed with Jon Snow. I just haven’t watched the latest season yet. (No spoilers in the comment section.)

If you do that, your ex will be weirded out and think you are crazy.

You have to acknowledge the elephant in the room. You have to clean the slate so you can start again. This is when the Elephant in the room texts come in handy.

How do you go about it?

You’ve got to mention three things in this Text.

1. Apologize for whatever happened during the breakup

2. Acknowledge that you’ve accepted the breakup and have healed

3. Tell them how you’ve changed (For example, learned how you were needy and started working on yourself.)

Once you’ve sent the Elephant in the room text, you have to lay back for at least a week or two before you can use any of the other templates mentioned in this guide. (Note the Elephant in the room text is especially useful if your ex girlfriend is dating a new boyfriend or if your ex boyfriend has moved on to a new girlfriend)

Now the Elephant in the room texts need to be unique for every situation. But I have a lot of readers and clients who go through many similar situations. This has given me the opportunity to come up with a lot of templates for the Elephant in the room texts. I am still working on a report that will list all these templates. If you are interested in the report, just take the quiz and subscribe to the Ex Back Permanently Basics series. I’ll notify you whenever the report is complete.

Part 4 : Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust

Once you’ve texted your ex for the first time and have received a positive response, you need to start rebuilding attraction connection and trust with your ex.

Texting is a great medium to do so when your ex still has leftover negative feelings from the breakup and they don’t want to give you any false hope.

You probably have read a lot about texting from different articles on the internet. You might have even come across some articles that claim to be the best article on the internet. But if you notice, they will all give you a one size fits all solution to texting your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend.

The truth is, your ex is unique. Your relationship with your ex is unique. What attraction means to them is unique. What chemistry means to them is unique. What trust means to them is unique. What might work for someone else, will not necessarily work for you. So before you move forward with this, you must understand your ex and what attraction, connection and trust means to them.

Here’s how you go about doing this.

1. Building Attraction with text messages

You know your ex better than anyone else. What is it that your ex found attractive in you in the first place?

Do you know how sometimes people say “He/She is not my type.”?

What do they mean by that?

Sure, sometimes it is referring to a physical quality of the person. They may be referring to their height, weight, hair color, or skin color.

But in most cases, whenever someone says, “He/She is not my type”; they are referring to that person’s personality.

It could have something to do with them being an introvert or an extrovert, or it could have something to do with them being honest and trustworthy. It could have something to do with them being active in sports or the fact that they are an academic.

Different characteristics appeal to different people. You need to find out what are the things that appealed most to your ex and what turned them off.

For example, suppose your ex is an introvert and they don’t really care about meeting new people and hanging out in social gathering.

And suppose you sent them a text like this.

“I just went out to this crazy party last night with a couple of friends. It was amazing and I wish you were there with me.”

Do you think that will make your ex more attracted to you?

When you send a message like that, you will probably turn them off because you are forcing them to imagine themselves in a situation they don’t find much appealing.

On the other hand, a message like this might be more appealing to an introvert.

“I went to my uncle’s cabin over the weekend. We were surrounded by birds, dense forest and we spent the weekend re-reading Harry Potter for the fifth time and reenacting some scenes from it. It was amazing and I wish you had been there.”

Imagine how this would make an introvert feel. You are displaying qualities that you know your ex is attracted to. You are also making your ex imagine what it would have been like being with you and spending time with you. A message like this will earn you some attraction points from an introvert.

You should be able to craft messages like this to display positive qualities in you and at the same time making them imagine what it would be like being with you.

But, you must take things slow. And you must be subtle about it. For example, if they are an avid sports fan, you can’t just say something like this.

“You know I’ve started watching NBA as well. If we get back together, we can watch it together.”

That will definitely make your ex put their defenses back up and make them think you are needy and a doormat.

But you can do something like this.

You will not believe what just happened.

What?

My aunt got me seats to an NBA game and I figured why not. My friend and I went to the stadium and OMG. This was the best experience ever. And now, I watch all the important games. I finally understood why you spent so many nights stuck to the TV.

2. Building connection and trust using text messages

You develop a connection and trust with someone you spend a lot of time with. Go back to the beginning of your relationship with your ex. You probably didn’t trust each other much and you didn’t feel a deep connection. But as time went by, you started trusting each other and felt a deep connection with each other.

Sometimes it takes months and sometimes it takes years to develop a connection and trust with someone

There’s no two ways around it. Building connection and trust takes time. A lot of time.

But the good news is that you and your ex already had a pretty solid connection. You were both together for a long time and probably trusted each other. There’s a good chance you both still feel a deep connection to each other even after doing no contact for a while. And even after everything has happened, a part of you will always trust each other.

So how do you capitalize on that?

You build connection and trust by being honest and vulnerable in a way you have never been before.

I know what you are thinking.

I desperately want my ex back, if I be honest about my desperation, how can it build a connection with them?

Well, you don’t. If your honesty is coming out of desperation and neediness, it’s going to backfire and you will probably push your ex away.

This is why I recommend again and again to take some time off, work on yourself, learn to be happy, become confident, become a better version of yourself, become You 2.0 before contacting your ex. This way, you can truly be honest with them when you say that you are Okay with whatever happens.

Let’s say your ex calls you out and asks you if you are texting them because you hope to get back together. You might feel like a deer caught in headlight.
texting-honesty

So, what do you do? Do you lie? Do you ignore them? Do you be honest?

I recommend being honest. After all, you don’t want to build your new relationship on lies and deceit. But honesty can work both in your favor and against it.

Here’s an example of a needy person being honest.

Honestly, I still want you back. I don’t think I can ever find someone like you and I have been miserable without you.

And here’s an example of confident person being honest with their ex.

Honestly, a part of me does want to get back. But I am okay with whatever happens. I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was for the best. I am in a good place right now and to be honest, I am texting you just because I miss speaking to you. I don’t have a goal or an ulterior motive for texting you. I just want to see what happens.

See how that message doesn’t make it you look needy or desperate. Moreover, this removes any pressure from your ex. In all possibility, they also want to see where this goes considering you have changed quite a bit. They know that they will not hurt you by leading you on because you are no longer needy and desperate.

Here are a few other ways to be honest and vulnerable while building a deep connection and trust with your ex.

– Speak about what you’ve learned during no contact.

– Speak about your insecurities and how you’ve let them ruin your relationships in the past.

– Speak about how you truly feel about important things in life. Things like life, religion, politics, relationships, love, life partner, career. (Note: If your ex has an opposite view on one of these topics, it’s best to avoid them.)

– Encourage them to be vulnerable. When you are honest and vulnerable, you encourage them to do the same. Conversations like this can turn meaningful and eye opening for a lot of people.

– When they speak, truly listen to them. Try to understand how they feel and try to see things from their perspective.

– Ask them creative questions. Questions that make them think more about themselves and can lead you to more meaningful conversations.

Here’s an example of using a creative question to start a conversation.

Hey, someone asked me an interesting question the other day. It made me think a lot about my life. I want to ask you the same thing. Should I go ahead?

Sure

If there is one thing you can change about how your career is going what would it be?

Umm. I guess I will decide to start my own studio instead of working for this soulless company.

You know, I always wanted to tell you to start your own studio. You are so amazing at interior designing. Honestly, I think you would do great. What do you think is stopping you from doing so?

I don’t know. I never really got the time to think about it. I always wanted my own studio when I was in college. I guess I got complacent when I got a job.

From here, you have an opening to talk about a lot of things. You can talk about your or your ex’s dreams in college, about working at your job, about business ownership, about arts or interior design, or about your own insecurities at your job.

A Note on Rebuilding Trust

If you broke your ex’s trust during your relationship, then there’s a good chance they won’t be open to rebuilding a connection with you unless you at least give them some hope that you can change. You must show them that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild their trust. And this should start with a deep insight for your actions, your reasons behind those actions and what you are doing to change that. You can read more about this in this article.

You cannot rebuild trust by text messages alone. But you can start by being vulnerable and honest. Refer to the checklist above on how to start being vulnerable and honest with your ex.

Part 5: Moving on to phone calls and a date

Phone Calls

Texting is great when you are just starting to speak with your ex after doing no contact. But it’s not nearly as good as a phone call or a face to face meeting. You have a lot of advantage when you are on a phone call with your ex. You get to speak to them as you would speak to a lover. You get to listen to their voice and they get to listen to yours. You get to listen to their tone and they get to listen to yours. You can develop a much deeper connection because you are actually talking to your ex instead of just texting.

I recommend that you try to get your ex on a call whenever you get the opportunity.

For example, suppose you and your ex have been speaking regularly for a while. You’ve decided you are ready to speak to them on the phone and you want to take the plunge. You can use a simple excuse in between the conversation.

And Nathan couldn’t balance himself and fell face first on the cake. I died laughing.

LMAO

Hey, I am getting in the car to drive. I can’t stop laughing. Wanna get on a call and continue this conversation?

sure

*you call your ex*

See, how simple that was. The only thing that’s needed is for you to ask. And now, you can actually laugh together instead of sending acronyms of a phrase that says you are laughing (LOL).

You can also ask them to get on a call without any excuse. But before you do that, you must be speaking to each other regularly and must have built enough rapport with them. To ask them on a call just say something like.

Hey, wanna speak on the phone? I am kind of tired of typing.

Asking them out

Asking your ex out is a big move. Most exes are wary about going out with their ex partners because they think this might give you the wrong signal and make you put your hopes up. This is why you should not ask your ex out until you have built enough connection, attraction and trust with them.

Before you ask your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend out, you should be speaking to them on the phone regularly and texting regularly for at least a week.

In a lot of cases, your ex will ask you out after you’ve built enough attraction and connection with them. But if they don’t, you can use this simple template to ask them out.

Hey, I’ll be in [area near your ex’s house or office] tomorrow, wanna catch up for coffee?

Keep it simple and don’t pressure your ex. If they say they are not sure, just give them a gentle push without making it look like you are forcing them. For example,

I am not sure if that’s a good idea.

Come on. It’s just coffee.

Umm, alright. I’ll see you at 6.

It’s very important that you don’t call it a date. Using words like “Catching up” or “Hang out” is a good idea.

If you wanna be adventurous, you can even ask them out on very specific dates like shopping, a concert, a book reading or a sports event. But all that is a bit advanced and doesn’t really fall in this topic. After all, this article is just about using texts to get your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. And we’ve already covered quite a bit into that.

Wait, do you still have a chance?

Find out your chances of getting your ex back in 2 minutes.

Visit the Comment Section!

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111 comments ...add one

  • Kathy

    I dated a guy for a month. We had strong feelings for each other and I thought everything is going the right direction. He said to me "you are my weakness", and he said "I miss you" and how much he likes me everyday when we were dating. It was exclusive. We haven't seen each other for 10days before broke up (he has so many urgent and real issues in his life, but I didn't know at that time), so I wanted to meet him and acted needy and pushy. I said break up that morning, he said good things and tried to get me back. I said I need time, he said ok, but a few minutes later, he flipped and started texting that I was selfish and inconsiderate. He said he need time and space, and "I want to be alone!!!!!". He said he tried to give me his best but I could not wait for him for a week at his worst. He said I was crazy and became the kind of person he wants far far away from. Then I tried to get him back, he said no. I kept tried (which is so stupid), he kept saying no. Then he got soooo emotional, and sent a screen full of sentences with the f word (how I made things worse and worse, and what is wrong with me...). Then he said he will throw away my stuff and he deleted me on social media (wechat). This happened two days ago, after that, I haven't reached out to him. Do you think it is possible that I can get him back? We had huge fights before, and he said very cold and hurtful things too, but later we got back together. I don't know about this time. Any help?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In this case, since damage has been done, it's best to focus on how to make things right. The first step would be to give him some space and give yourself some time to distance yourself from all that has happened. If you do want him back, it's still possible but you have to show him that you're willing to be there for him, and not act out emotionally when he is busy.

      Reply
  • Tami

    Hello,

    I was lond distance and online dating a guy for half year (we have met in person).He's like my inbetween bf. Our last conversaiton was like this: I asked him a thing about his past relationship, and he lied. Then he said "Let's move on. I don't want to make you feel unvalued." Then I stop responding anymore. Been in NC for 10 days.
    It's kind of awkawrd for me to initiate the contact for I think it wasn't a pleaseant end for us.
    Actually I want be on the ball and talk to him and make him confess his lie by himself, but seems it'd bee too dramatic and emotional after NC in that way, right?
    And I'm not sure if any first contact text with posotive tones like nothing have happened before would work well in my situation.

    Any thoughts and advice please? :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, you have to ask yourself that despite him lying about his past relationship, the important question is 'does it matter'? If he's not comfortable with telling you and felt a need to hide it at that point, but you still want to be with him, you shouldn't let the past affect your current relationship. If you complete NC and still want to be with him, then it would be better to focus on positive tones rather than confrontation.

      Reply
  • Michael

    Hi,

    I've been with my ex since November 2015. A few weeks before November my ex and I had an argument. She then asked for space but we didn't totally sticker with it. We would still send messages to each other but less compared to before.

    Around second week of November, we met at her place to talk and discuss the relationship. She confessed to cheating. I was devastated. She said she's been talking to this guy for a couple of months about out relationship (it's a complicated relationship) and that the sex was just a one off thing. She was hesitant at first but she already broke it off with the guy.

    We talked about how to make things work and decided to continue with the relationship. However she said that she was overwhelmed by the work needed to be done in the relationship. But she still wanted to continue with the relationship.

    A few days after I met with an ex girlfriend since I needed someone to talk to a out what's happening. Since the relationship was complicated, I couldn't talk to friends or family about it. I realized that I rushed into getting back with my current ex. I forced her to commit to make the relationship work.

    Next dat, I met with my current ex again. She was acting as if there's nothing wrong. She was touching me, hugging me, smiling and laughing. I talked to her about ending the relationship. That she didn't communicate with me (instead of looking for someone to talk to about it relationship), that I didn't feel any regret or remorse from her (from cheating) and I didn't feel any sincerity from her when we talked about getting back together. I apologized for forcing her to commit to the relationship and in working out her infidelity.

    I initiated no contact a few days after. She would send me pictures of my letters to her. Send me a txt message that she misses me. Tried to add me back on Facebook. Even got mad at me for blocking her (so she blocked me as well) and seeing a picture of me with a girl on a date.

    It's been 24 days since the breakup, 21 days since I last contacted her and 6 days since she last contacted me.

    I've been trying improving myself. I talked to a couple of friends about my situation which helped ease the pain and also get different perspectives about the relationship. I did water fasting and lost weight. Had a haircut. Got new clothes. Got some facial products to improve my skin. A lot of my friends noticed that I look younger which gave me confidence. I am now starting to exercise at home.

    I know no contact should be at least 30 days, but would it help if I make it longer? I work from home so there are times that I think about her and I would go back to your 5 stage plan and see where I'm at. It's very stressful thinking that I'm starting to think that I'm making progress and then all of a sudden miss her. Also do I still need to send the Elephant in the Room letter? I've already composed it based on your guide. But I haven't sent it yet since I'm not sure if it's a good idea since there were no hurtful words given during the breakup.

    I'm planning on sticking with at least 30 days. But I am not sure if I can wait more than that.

    Regards.

    Michael

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Michael,

      I think you're doing a good job for starters, and that the 30 days is only meant as a guideline. In this case, since she cheated on you and you're the one hurting but she has shown signs that she wants you back, you could always consider whether you're willing to give it a second chance, and if so you could contact her again at the end of 30 days.

      Reply
    • Michael

      Cool. But how about the elephant in the room letter? Is it a good idea to start with that after no contact?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to be the one to point out her flaws, usually the elephant in the room letter is meant to be directed at yourself in order to acknowledge past faults you may have made. You won't get her back if the first letter you send her was pointing out her faults on cheating.

      Reply
  • Angel

    Long story short ... me and my ex were dating for a year and two months . Off and on . The longest apart was a month .. We both were in love but we fought a lot . So back in October we had a really bad break up. I did all the wrong things for a month to try and get him back it didn’t work . So after 3 weeks of NC. He came back , called me telling me he loved me and missed me .. we talked everyday for a week then he went silent one day I sent two messages then called , then I finally sent a message saying I won’t bother him , he texted back the next day and said he was busy working ... which I knew was just a excuse . I didn’t text back but I texted the next day and still no response so I waited and on the third day I called twice back to back , he texted and said “what?” Then texted again and sai “Your already about to start your shit huh “ which by that meant like I’m going to start bowing him up and starting drama like I used to ... I just sent a friendly message back and he didn’t reply .. it’s been two days ..

    I’m confused on why he came back just to start to ignore me again ? We talked fine for a whole week could he have gotten over me that fast ? Everything seemed so fine ..

    Any advice would help ? I don’t want to reach out and seem needy again because he said that was one of the reasons why we broke up ..

    What should I do ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For starters, it would be better to avoid reverting back to old habits since the whole point of NC is to spend time working on those issues and changing them. Even if he does love you and miss you, you have to learn to be more secure about your feelings and not let them run your actions. I would suggest continuing with NC further until you're able to deal with him not replying and not get affected by it.

      Reply
  • Katrice

    Kevin, I met my ex in highschool 20 years ago but hadn't seen him in 20 years and he found me on fb. We moved pretty fast and got into a relationship. He said he had been dating someone for over a year and half but it was long distance and she saw him once or twice a month (6 hour drive). He said he was once very much in love with her but it was done because she was distant. He was married but separated from his wife for 5 years and his wife lives with her man and he had his own place but said that was the reason why she wouldn't commit to him, but i was nurturing(unlike her) and the best girlfriend he ever had. But when his divorce was finalized a month ago he went behind my back and saw her when she came to town and told me he is in love with both of us and he thinks about her often but hadn't been for two months. Then said he had issues in the home because my sister and nephew live here and don't do things around the house, etc etc. So I think she was in his ear telling him to leave and move out. He said he would come back when my sister moves next year and went to stay with his sister. So i told him we need a break and that was 2 weeks ago. He got into a relationship with her not even 3 days later. the same person that said he wouldn't do long distance and I'm here with him and she is 6 hours away and I have nothing to worry about. I told him to never contact me again and he said ok, and i blocked him. he called from his daughter's phone later that day (maybe to see if I blocked him-but I didn't answer) and then he blocked me on facebook.
    I really felt that I had found my soul mate and I am hurt by this, I wanted a break for him to see that he would miss me but instead he got into a relationship with someone he will see once a twice a month and that hurts. Do you think the no contact rule would work in this case? How can I get him to not stop thinking about me as he did her but to keep her away for good?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      It doesn't seem to me like this a person who knows what he wants. If he is able to change decisions so easily, and back and forth, it might not be a stable relationship in the long run even if you get back together with him. There's not much you can do to keep her away for good, as that's entirely up to him and her, and not something you should get involved with or you'd be seen as the bad person.

      Reply
  • Arthur

    Hello
    I did the no contact for almost four weeks, and I texted my ex today and she immediately replied. It was like four texts back and forth. I used the “I walked thorugh this restaurant and it reminded me lf you” but now I don’t know what to say for the fourth day.
    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      How about just being yourself and try texting a conversational topic that you guys would normally talk about back when you were together.

      Reply
  • n

    This isn't working for me.

    We are arranging a date in few weeks, and he says he wants to see me. We have progressed to phone calls once a week and they are successful and we laugh and discuss mainly politics. He doesn't chat. He won't tell me what he does in the day. he won't tell me about himself. Open ended questions don't work. And he hardly ever shows interest in me, often giving a short polite answer when i tell him things.
    whats going on? Can someone give me some tips to get him to open up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, the key here is to take baby steps forward. If it has progressed on a positive level, it's something to be happy about. From breaking up, to no contact, to actually talking once a week. Have a little patience and slowly build back whatever was lost.

      Reply
  • Shawn

    Me and my ex dated for 1.5 years we were best friends all through highschool, we broke up 3 months ago because I started college away but I’m transferring closer to home for other reasons. But she broke up with me because I kept on getting jealous when she would talk to other guys and she told me she needed a break and I begged and pleaded her for 3 months to take me back and she said “she just doesn’t want a relationship right now” and I’m On day 4 or the no contact period. Is there still a chance. She found a whole new set of friends and I think she might have already rebounded and might have feelings for another guy. Is it too late and how do I go about getting a girl who you mightve pushed too far away? How long should my no contact period be?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It should still be within the same range but if she did find a rebound, it may have to be even longer. Right now the last impression she had of you was begging her to take you back, which you want her to forget about when you actually talk to her once more. I think you do have a chance but it also depends on how you act and whether you're capable of changing.

      Reply
  • JESSY MENDS

    Hi Kevin,
    Your article has really helped me .
    I have talking to this friend for a month ..we are so happy anytime we together. about 2 weeks now on Saturday you agreed on meeting goes at my end at 6 pm and usual waited for him and he never showed up and never called .I tried his line and line was busy for several times .
    the next day I found out he has blocked and till now he hasn't contacted me or sent me a msg.I have been through hell. I have called him ,sent his text message and email and he never responded to any.
    I still ask myself what went wrong ,what did I wrong since we never had any misunderstanding I mean nothing .
    still hoping that I will hear from him at least to tell me what went wrong.

    Jessy

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I hope he does reply too but it's highly probable that he won't. In which case, you should focus on moving on from this bad situation and let go of the upset and hurt you may be feeling right now.

      Reply
  • AshleyJ

    Hi,
    My ex broke up with me last week after living together for more than a year. He said he had had enough, I was hurting too much when we had an argument etc.
    He rarely shared his feelings and he just lets bad feelings build up without discussing them.
    He moved out, we only texted about the logistics (I was staying at a friend’s place), we will have to be in contact about other the rest of his stuff eventually.
    I am not going to message him until next year.
    But what do you think? If I show him I am capable of changing and I am a good person to be with just like when we met, do we still stand a chance?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      I think he needs to change more than you if he didn't communicate enough in the relationship. No matter how much you change, if he doesn't learn how to share his feelings, you will never be able to maintain a healthy relationship with him.

      If you want to give it a try, you should. Follow what the above article suggests. But before you officially get back with him, you should let him know that you need him to communicate more if he wants the relationship to work.

      Reply
    • AshleyJ

      Thanks for your answer.
      Our split was okay, I maybe said one or two meedy things but then we just said it was beautiful. I of course cried.
      Through my actions I want to time travel back to a time when we were truly happy together. For me having space makes me reevaluate certain things in life and where I made mistakes.
      I am just afraid that because he was very firm on hia decision and when I aske him of he wanted to talk about anything before I leave to let him gather his stuff, he said no, nothing to say. If he’s so neutral (or showing to be), and also saying his feelings have changed (although I know he still cares at least a bit from how he behaved physically after the BU), do I have a shot after NC?
      I know we both need to change, that’s also why I am doing NC because it would be overwhming for him as well to just talk about this upfront and continue in the bad mood we left off.
      Thanks a lot guys.

      Reply
  • Timm

    hey there, we broke up in august 2017 and now i contacted him after 3 months. we talked about 3-4 hours,it was a good talk, and now its been 2 days, neither i text him nor is he. Dont know what to do now. i really want to talk to him. Please someone help me. Also, we are in LDR.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there, you could always try texting him or calling to casually continue the conversation. Not knowing the context of your breakup, I can't say for certain why he won't text you first, but there could be a variety of reasons.

      Reply
    • Timm

      Hey Ryan, we had a seven month relationship. we were together only for the first thirty days and then there was six months LDR because he got job in another country.We spent good time together, but in august, we had an argument, He was not giving me time. Also he was shifting those days into another house and there were some internet issues too. I misunderstood and i doubted him.I started shouting and then he said, he can't survive with all this,he need space.I realised my mistake and apologised he then started ignoring me all the time.I know i was being clingy. This thing made him more irritating and he ended up the relationship. He said we can be friends only and we cant stay together for life time.I apologized to him hundred times a day continuously for 1 week and his response was nothing.Then i applied NC rule till now, for alomst 3 months i didn't text him. But he contacted me in NC period 4,5 time on certain events, i gave him no to very little response. Now I texted him after NC period"he responded very well,he told me that he was afraid to text me because i might get angry" we talked for 3,4 hours. But now there's problem that if i didn't text him a day ,he also didn't text me. please help me what should i do know? I really want him back in my life.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, from what I've gathered, it seems he does not want to text you first for fear that you may not reply or give him minimal response. Perhaps you could be the one to initiate a casual habit of texting him and at least see how things work out from there?

      Reply
    • Timm

      So, You mean to say that I should text him everyday to start a convo, Ummm Okay! But, all I want to know his feelings for me :( Though he shares his feelings rarely, it's his old habit. Its getting complicated now. Anyways, thank you so much for help Ryan :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey There,

      I don't think you start texting him everyday but once in awhile to slowly build up a habit once more. If you don't wish to go through that trouble and merely want to know how he feels about you, perhaps you could ask him.

      Reply
    • timm

      Hey Ryan, i text him once a day and talk for like 15-20 minutes a day. Sometimes, i text him after 2 days. I am just trying to develop a habit. Taking things very.Hopefully, one day i will be successful :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great. Yes you're right. in situations like this, it's all about taking baby steps towards the goal.

      Reply
    • Timm

      Thanks Ryan, But it hurts like hell when he sometimes ignores my text. I dont know what should i do to build an attraction in such LDR. He is complicated.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to ask yourself if it's worthwhile in the long run. It's a long and tiring process and if you say he's complicated, it will only add to the difficulty.

      Reply
  • Carlos

    I just broke up with my girlfriend one day ago. We lived together for 7 months, but then I went to study abroad and then we were in a long distance relationship for 6 months. Then, yesterday I broke up with her because she was not giving me enough attention. I know it was a silly reason, for this some hours later I asked her to give me another chance, but then she was upset and she said it was better to give a break, because maybe she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. And now, what should I do? do you think that I still can have her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Carlos,

      For starters, you shouldn't use breaking up as 'blackmail' to get what you want but instead work on the issues together. Currently if she's upset then it's better to give her some time to cool off and not pressure her as it would only push her away. Perhaps wait a couple of days before talking to her again.

      Reply
  • Roxy

    My ex and I were together for 4 months. It was all a fairytale until I told him about a sexual experience I had BEFORE WE MET and he didnt take it too well. He started getting depressed, said he couldnt get over it and things started falling apart. He got distant and I would get clingier as a result, since I was afraid to lose him. I smothered him I think, but he also didnt make much of an effort to forget about that fact and move on.
    I asked for a break almost 2 weeks ago. After a week I caved and asked him to meet me to talk it out. He said it wasnt a good idea.
    So now Im doing the no contact period for 30 days and keeping my social media updated with happy photos so he doesnt think Im crying over him (which I am... very much).
    Given the reason we separated, do you think the rule might do the trick? Can I approach him with the texts you suggested after this period?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Roxy,

      From my understanding, the distance was created due to his insecurities, which ultimately led to you deciding to walk away. If you're really serious about him, my suggestion would be to at least regain control over your emotions and not get so affected by what has happened. You ideally want to seem emotionally stable if you were to talk to him again and not come across as desperate or clingy. This NC period might be good for you to work on that. To answer your last two questions, it really would depend on how he feels about you (you would know the best) if NC would do the trick, and yes you can definitely use the texts suggested in our article.

      Reply
    • Roxy

      Thanks for the help Ryan!
      Another thing, I had already bought my ex's Xmas present when we broke up. Do you think it's a bad move to send it to him through the mail with a letter? After NC ends of course. I'm thinking I should text him and approach him in a less crazy way first though :/

      Reply
    • AshleyJ

      Hi, I’m just a fellow reader but I thought you might want to hear my thoughts.
      I wouldn’t send the gift. Put it away, out of sight.
      It’d be really overwhelming and shows that you are acting because you are desperate and your mind still hasn’t gained any control over your actions. It’s important to let your heart dictate but your mind needs to filter.
      I suggest to go with texts and see it from there.
      Best of luck!

      Reply
  • Lacey

    Hey. So me and my ex were together for about 2.5 months before breaking up. Everything was great, he asked me to be his gf I ended up taking his virginity but I said some things that really hurt him and he ended up breaking up with me. I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with him because I was bored or because I actually liked him despite telling him to leave me alone... I was shocked when he actually did. I thought it was something we’d get past but he was serious and we stopped talking. About 5 days later I texted him acting needy and he agreed to meet up but only being friends or “f* buddies” so I got mad and kinda told him he changed and was being a dick. So after that I tried apologizing and he was super mad and said he doesn’t wanna be my friend but he forgives me and blocked my number and all social media. I was devastated so I drove to his house which was a bad idea because he got his mom to ask me to leave. Anyway, since that happened I haven’t talked to him but we shared something special and I miss him so much. I don't know if I should let go or try again considering how bad it ended. Last contact was August 19th so almost 3 months

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Lacey,

      If you're still into him at this point, perhaps you could initiate re-contact with him but do it casually. You could follow this article on things to do after the no contact period. If he does not respond positively towards you, then it would be fair to yourself to move on.

      Reply
  • Sariah Walker

    My ex boyfriend and I were together for 8 months before he broke up with me.. He told me he couldn't handle my attitude and how mean i was to him.. During our breakup and tried and said everything that would convince him to stay but nothing worked.. We blocked each other for a little over 2 months and I initiated contact with him again, but this time he was all the way across the country for college. We started talking again but things weren't the same, he never made time for me, he'd sometimes choose his new friends over me etc. Then there would be days where he would disappear for hours and come back and act like nothing was wrong. I expressed to him numerous times that I was depressed that he wasn't treating me the best anymore and he took that and said that he didn't want to talk anymore. I know him and I know that's not who he truly is deep down. He comes back in town for thanksgiving and by then it would have been a month of no contact. Should I try to talk to him again? Thank you so much for your time and wisdom.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Sariah,

      Well firstly you have to accept the fact that you guys have broken up so he can decide that you're not a priority at the moment. What you should do is to spend this next 30 days focusing on yourself and trying to lift your spirits by keeping yourself busy. Ultimately, when he comes back for thanksgiving and if you still wish to see him again, you'd want for him to think that you've changed and grown.

      Reply
  • Matt

    Hey so my ex and I broke up back in Sept (due to my needyness and taking her for granted, along with us going into an LDR over the summer, I had to go home to work so I could pay for my college) and I uh, was rather needy after the breakup. For 2 weeks after I wouldn't really leave her alone via text. She wound up blocking me for about 2 week and during that time I found this article. I was still rather needy at this point, but I was able to carry conversations like you say here for about a week, but got ahead of myself and tried to ask her out for coffee. As you can guess she said no and I regressed a little and started to beg again. She pretty much told me she'd moved on and that I should do the same. I ended the conversation there and a week later (on the 20th of this month) sent her this text:

    I was at a low point last time I texted you and gave up on all that I was trying to change about myself. I fell right back into the way I was over the summer, where I was trying to get you to deal with my problems and making you my emotional anchor. Not only was I abusing your willingness to talk to me, I also tried to get you to see me in person for my own selfish reasons. It wasn't right nor was it fair. You deserve better and I'm sorry.

    I was wondering where I should go from here. The past two weeks have really been helpful as I've been catching up with some friends I haven't seen in years and I seem to finally actually be moving on. I still want to be with her, but I don't need to. I'm sticking with no contact for now, at least for another week or two.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Matt,

      That's great that you've finally reached the intended point of recovery for every break up of wanting but not 'needing' her in your life. Once you're done with your no contact, if you decide you still want to be with her, then you could initiate recontact but remember not to fall back into old routines and keep it calm and collected. If she turns down your offer to meet for coffee or anything else, do not regress to an old self but remember this is the 'new' you.

      Reply
  • Nonnie

    Hi my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago with me just because I was short off with him and he got mad.We were in a long distance relationship and now he wants nothing to do with me but I still love him and want to be with him

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Nonnie,

      Being short with your partner is normal and usually just some space to cool down is needed before things go back to normal but if he still does not want to text you or reply to you at this point, it might be fair to assume that the reason for the break up had more underlying issues. You could ask him about it and if he still does not want to reply you or want nothing to do with you, you should be fair to yourself and try to move on.

      Reply
  • N D

    Hello!

    My situation is fairly complicated and frustrating. My fiancee and I were together for a little over 6 years before we broke up about 2 months ago.

    I've tried the no-contact thing, but if I go without contacting him for a day, he either gets upset or he contacts me first. The problem with that is half the time he'll end up calling me and arguing with me. Other times he'll call and tell me how much he misses me and wishes we could work things out.

    We're currently long distance. Far enough to be inconvenient, but close enough to where we used to see each other every other weekend.

    He refuses to come see me or allow me to see him until I prove I have "fixed myself" - our main issues are that we argued a lot and he felt I constantly disrespected him.

    I'm not certain how to prove I've changed, especially when he refuses to spend time with me and is so inconsistent with his communication.

    I really love him and want to fix things. I'm just not sure where to even start.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Denise,

      I suggest you be firm with the no contact rule for now and not reply messages or calls until you've got a lock down on your emotions and find a way to control your anger. Right now, as the break up is still fresh, the arguments and negatives feelings are still very much intact hence the reason for space. Spend the next 1 month working on yourself as this will also give him some time to detach himself from the instinct of wanting to argue with you each time he calls.

      Reply
  • Rachel

    I was dating someone for ~14 months and was/am completely in love with him. It took him a little longer to express strong feelings for me but eventually he said he loved me and we had a great relationship. At the beginning, we struggled a bit because he's an introvert and I'm an extrovert and I wanted to spend more time together but he preferred more alone time. We learned how to compromise and our relationship improved. In the last few months he became pretty distant and eventually broke up with me because it didn't want to be in a relationship at this time in his life and he was also unsure if I was the one he wanted to marry. I am heartbroken and don't know what to do. We haven't really had much contact in the past 4 months. Is there any hope for me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Rachel,

      Since it has been 4 months and the wounds aren't as fresh, perhaps you could try to establish re-contact with him. Find out what the underlying reason was for the break up and see if it's something that can be worked on and changed.

      Reply
  • Maria

    Hi! My situation is kinda complicated, I will make it short! My ex and I broke up 8 months ago, I was really hurt, I begged and so. He blocked me after I removed him from my social media; he deleted every like of my photos he ever gave me, on instagram. After 4 months we broke up, I called him (I was a little bit drunk but I hope nothing really noticeable) and I told him that it was a shame that our friendship was over, that I didn't want to ended up that way, blocked and like if we were upset. He was the one who broke up with me and yet, I felt that he was a little bit resentful, he also told that if I wanted to reach him, I could have used a "normal text" (he blocked me on whatsapp). We talked a little bit but not really like friends :/, he said that should continue in the party I was (my friend uploaded a photo of us). A week after he texted me, asking about me and stuff; I was really cold because I was having a rebound (it didn't work out); at this point I was still hurt and didn't want him back. Six months after we broke up, I started texting because I realized that even though I thought I was over him, I wasn't; so I decided to give it a shot. We started talking and I stupidly brought the relationship back and I told him that it was a shame he stop loving me and he said he never stopped, but that things were complicated. I asked him why he wouldn't like to give it a try and he replied that he was scared that things will happened again because there were things he never liked about the relationship. All of that happened the same day I iniated contact. We talked everyday for a month, but I asked him out and he said that he was busy. I pushed him and he said he just wanted a friendship, so I told him I was hoping for more. He also told me that maybe we could hang out, kiss and stuff but that he wasn't ready for a relationship. (He contradicted himself sometimes) I decided to apply the no contact rule. It was over but I was kinda down and I was really thinking about reaching him again. Casually we bumped to each other at a friend's house; I hited his back slightly as a sign of saying hi. He was really nervous and started talking to me, he said that why I didn't say hi (like making things funny), also asked me about my tattoo but I shortly answered and walked away; we talked a little bit more after about college and he told me he had a new cat and at a moment I asked a glass of water to my friends and surprisely he was the one who gave it to me. That happened on october 15! I texted on october 17 with an excuse (something about the car license), and we talked really nice but briefly (an hour). On October 19 I texted him again about a "quiz about pineapple" that my cousin needed, he said that he would tried to answer it but he never sent it back! That was the last time we talked! I need some advice here please

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Maria, perhaps it would be good to try and find out what it was that he didn't like about the relationship and see if you could go about convincing him with change that you're different now.

      Reply
    • Maria

      I have an idea of the things he didn't like! I think I can become a part of his life again (by texting and see how it goes) and then REALLY slowly show him that things will be different this time! Do I still got a chance?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well Maria, to me I always believe that everyone has a chance, it all depends on how you progress and convince him that you can be part of his life once again and things will be different.

      Reply
  • Shin

    Hello, I was in long distant relationship, broke up almost 2 month ago. first month after broke up, I was so needy, texted her so many time to get back to me, even said I will wait her forever. Later I realize what I've done is so wrong, so I sent her apologize, I told her that I accept this break up, admit my fault cause this mess and broke up, I will learn to be better and say thank you. She said just accept, deleted everything I have, and don't find her. So I said, ok to prove that I'm not a needy person anymore. She has blocked me everywhere so I can't sent her message. I'm already in full no contact for 3 weeks. So, later how can I send her a message if she blocked me, even my friend as well so we don't have mutual friends. And I promised to not find her, is it okay to try to contact her? Anyway I'm a girl too, same sex relationship. Thank you for helping me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey, since you are already into no contact for 3 weeks, finish up this last week then perhaps try to drop her a text on any platform that she may not have blocked you on. If she still doesn't reply you or has blocked you everywhere, it may be best to also try and move on as there's not much you can do since it is a long distance relationship and she is in another country.

      Reply
  • Anna

    Hey, I have been dating a guy and he seemed really into me. He recently seems to be distant .. I don’t understand, he told me he really liked me... what do I do ?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Anna,

      Since you've just started dating and have not really broken up, I recommend speaking to him about this. Just tell him that you are into him and ask him if he is into you. If not, then it would be a good idea to cut contact, move on and find someone who is into you; instead of investing time in someone who isn't.

      Reply
    • Courtney

      I’ve been dating this guy for about two months, everything was going well. The issue is , he told me “I’m sprung”. I didn’t know how to take it in. I was awkward when he told me how he feels. I do like him but I felt it was weird for him to feel that way, so soon. I think he took my reaction the wrong way. He seems more distant now. He keeps making excuses as to why he’s being distant, saying he has isssues going on. I don’t know how to go from here? I would like to know what message I could send, to get him how he was, Thank you.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Courtney, personally I feel that honesty would be the best choice to make. Since it seemed like a misunderstanding, at least having a proper talk to him might clear things up for both of you.

      Reply
  • Jenny

    Hello,

    I have finished no contact and have been messaging with my ex, we work together and at work he seems really happy laughing all the time but whenever we speak he tells me how unhappy he is with his job. His responses seem really neutral and almost like he would rather not speak sometimes. I felt that he has been flirting loudly with a new girl he works closely with now as they have been giggling and laughing together all day almost everyday since I contacted him which is obviously upsetting for me. We spoke on the phone once and I apologised for the way I acted (needy etc) and he said I didn't need to apologise and we had nothing to speak about (in terms of the relationship). Then he changed the conversation and started bringing up funny stuff we did together and was being nice. I am really confused because he still seems really distant in his messages and I am wondering if he is just replying to be polite. He never asks me anything about myself, he never asks how I am or what I am doing and shows no interest when I offer information. We never really discussed being friends and when he broke up with me he said he needed space and could not be with me... right now. He said who knows about the future and when I asked if he did not want to be with me anymore he said he didn't know. Then he just shut me out and went really cold and distant so I did no contact for 30 days. Its been a week and a half since we have been in contact and the only time he has asked me how are you is when we bump into each other round the office. Should I carry on messaging him or give him more space? We broke up almost 3 months ago.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Jenny,

      The whole point of the no contact rule is to give yourself space and a fresh perspective on things. If after the period, you gave it your best shot and he still does not seem to reciprocate your feelings towards him, it might be better for you to take a step back and try to move on from things. Alternatively, if you are confused about whether he still has feelings for you, your best bet would be to be honest and ask him.

      Reply
  • gabriela

    this advice is terrible, it is all about pretending you are feeling something other than you are feeling. it is so dispassionate. no relationship thrived in the face of reserve. its all game. if you miss them tell them so, its not desperate or needy to tell the truth. coupledom is where we learn to love unconditionally by learning about our opposite, to understand them, to emapthise with them, to realise our differences are based on the same core needs to care and be cared for. i suggest everybody communicate from the heart, as passionate and crazy as you need to be and stop pretending not to care. when you are attracted to someone tell them, and tell them what you like about them, if they don't like what you have to say then at least you know from the beginning, and you can move on. you cant move on if you have not been honest about our feelings. admit to being confused, dont pretend to be all cool about it if you're not. you will end up alone and stuck in games if you pretend you're fine without someone to love and care for.

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hi Gabriela,

      I agree that you should be honest and vulnerable. In fact, I mention it multiple times in the article above that you should be honest and not pretend to be cool when you are not. I am guessing you didn't really read the entire article before commenting.

      Reply
  • Marie

    Dating a guy for the last couple months. He kept saying he was very serious about me. Asked if we were exclusive. We slept together. I heard from him the next day. Then nothing. I went a little crazy texting him. Haven’t seen him in a month. I asked to meet up for dinner this past week. He never actually said he would be there. Time came and he text asking if I was there. I felt like a fool. He wasn’t there. I was though. I laid into him. Sent several texts saying it would be my last one. Explained that I hadn’t been myself. Thought we were more. Lots going on. I’d be blocking him because I was mortified by my actions. Then I stopped texting him. Later that night he sends me a text asking “whatcha doing?” I just deleted it. I assume he was asking to see if I would bite. I’m going to give the no contact a go. Can I come back from this? He never said we were done or anything. Never called me names.

    Reply
  • King

    Hi kevin! My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. I did the no contact rule for 28 days then texted my ex in which she replied. After 2 days I texted her again and we had a short conversation but she was the one who ended it. After 2 days I texted her again and got no response from her since then. I texted her again last night but I still did not got a reply. Did I mess it up already? I'm planning to go at their house to give her a letter after a week. Will that help? Thank you.

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hi King,

      No going to her house will not help. I recommend you do no contact again for a 2-3 weeks before texting her.

      I don't think you messed up. It just seems like she was replying out of courtesy but she is not interested in speaking to you right now. Giving her more space might make her more open to speaking with you. If it doesn't, then you should consider moving on.

      Reply
  • Keah

    Hey Kevin! My ex and I broke up around 4 weeks ago. He said he broke it off for now because he's temporarily moved across the country (5 months), and doesn't know where he'll go next yet. Makes sense. Except that I discovered 3 days later he had had an affair. We talked in person (it was a good conversation). And he has stated multiple times that he sees a possible future later on. In the past month, there have been some definite rough patches in attempting to maintain a healthy friendship (mostly me actively trying to be good friends and him pulling away while repeatedly saying he didn't need space). So I decided to do no contact to step back and give myself time to heal from all the information I've digested this month and give him the opportunity (hopefully) to realize that me not being angry (I'm not an angry person) doesn't mean that anything he had done was okay. I'm 11 days in to NC now. He contacted me once a week in with a "Hey haven't heard from you" type text, and again yesterday with a drink suggestion to be seemingly casual I assume. I had asked him awhile back to meet me for breakfast this month but figure I'd leave it unless he asks about it. But what kind of text should I initiate after no contact? Obviously we have things to work through, so idk if memory or casual is the way to go. Or elephant in the room?

    Ps we were together 2 years and (from my understanding) had a good relationship. So a lot of it is up to him if he decides he is ready to share and work through what he needs to.

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Keah,

      Since you both didn't end things on a bad note, it might be a good idea to start with a casual text and move on to more serious stuff later on.

      Reply
  • Roxanne

    Hi thanks for the article it was much needed. I have a question, my ex is quick on calling as in when he receives a text that will lead to a conversation he calls. He spends hours on the phone often having 2 3 lines at the same time in business hours

    Should I keep to texting first or should I use this to my advantage ?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Definitely use this to your advantage. Speaking on the phone is more intimate than texting. But only speak as long as the conversation is interesting and engaging. End it on a high note and keep him wanting more.

      Reply
  • Sam

    Hey Kevin,

    I've completed the no contact (5 weeks long). I sent the "letter" through text, waited another two weeks and sent the initial "this reminded me of you/how have you been" text. What should I do if he doesn't respond?

    Reply
  • Fred

    Kevin,

    I’m 11 days into the no contact period. I’ve been getting your email service for a few days now, I’m at the stage where you talk about the letter, and its thrown me a little, do I want to send a short hand written letter now (following the example you give on the email), or wait till after the 30 day period to send it?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Send it when you are done with your no contact.

      Reply
    • Fred

      Kevin, 2 days after the no contact period is up it'll be her birthday, do you recommend extending the no contact period? obviously a present is too much to send her I get that, but would you recommend I send her a card, or would it be best to send nothing at all? thanks for your help.

      Reply
    • Kevin

      You can send a short text. Nothing more.

      Reply
    • Fred

      Do I still go and send her a letter on the last day of no contact? or leave it for a bit longer?

      Reply
  • Jake

    Hi there Kevin, i just finished the no contact, so i used one of those "reminder" kind of message, and not expecting any replies. But it went better than expected... It went something like this: ( Me: Hey, i might go this month to "random place" for the music festival and it reminded me that you said you are going to that trip in "random country". Hope everything is going well! ; Her: Yeah, well im already here in "random country", and about the music festival, i will consider it, but now i shall see if i can manage my time ). So basically she took it as an invitation (even though i wasnt aiming for this). The problem is that the festival is going to happen pretty soon, so should i text her smoothly like you said so or should i speed it up a little ? And if it happens to come with her new boyfriend, should i be natural/friendly and open or should i be friendly/neutral and a little distant to him ? Also, how should i reply/react if she says that cant/doesnt want to come to the festival anymore ?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Jake,

      I don't think you should push it. Since it wasn't a definitive yes, let the ball be in her court. You can send her a reminder a few days before the festival, but don't expect much. Besides that, just take things slow.

      Reply
  • Sharon

    How do you handle the "I need to get my stuff back" text and scenario. I don't really want my ex back (at least for now as I'm moving away for a while). But, I would like to be friends with him in the future, and don't want to injure that chance by handling it poorly.

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Sharon,

      Just text your ex exactly what you want. "Hey, I hope you are doing well. I am texting you because I need some of my stuff back. I hope it's not a problem if I come over to get it. If you are uncomfortable with me coming over, let me know and we will figure out some other way."

      Reply
  • Daniel

    Kevin,
    I contacted my ex to meet her shortly. I told her it would be just a drink, no serious talk. But she seemed to misunderstand my intentions. She rejected it for a trivial reason. Now what would be the best move for me? I think I would be seen as a desperate guy if again I tell her let's meet.

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Yup. You should do no contact again. What was her reason for rejecting?

      Reply
    • Daniel

      She said she has to prepare for a test. But I could feel that was just an excuse and she was trying to avoid me. I was kind of shocked because she met me if I asked so before I started no contact. I also heard from her friend that she recently asked her friend if she knows a guy for a blind date. Actually, I was planning to give her a letter and a little present on her birthday, which is 2 weeks from now. I'm worried she would not want to meet me on that day too. Maybe if that day doesn't work out well I should prepare to move on, right?

      Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Daniel,

      If she is making excuses to meet up it's because she doesn't feel an attraction or connection to you anymore. I recommend doing no contact for another month and trying again. This time, build up rapport over text or phone call before asking her out. Don't ask her to meet you on her birthday and don't give her a letter or a gift yet.

      Reply
  • Jennifer Sara Parvinpour

    My husband cheated on me and asked for the divorce. I don't believe or know if he is with the other woman. I asked him if he still wanted to be friends after our divorce is final (there is no stopping it). He said that he would like that and sees no problem being friendly after the paperwork is signed so there's no pressure. Last time I spoke to him was 7 weeks ago and haven't initiated contact since papers aren't signed. However, he didn't even email me happy birthday which hurt. Do I still have a chance?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hi Jennifer,

      I think you should focus on moving on. There might be a chance but it's a long shot. Even if there was a chance, it would take maybe more than a year so you will have to be very patient.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    Hi Kevin,
    after this NC period, I think I'm going to meet her soon.
    I want to ask you if it is better to tell her about my feelings on the first time I meet her than just hanging out with her like a friend don't talk about my feelings.
    I personally want to now approach as a good friend and build some trust (we also meet at school sometimes).
    I am worried if I don't tell her my feelings, she might misunderstand my intention by thinking that I am desperate and I want to get her back.
    But I am also concerned that she would think the same even though I tell her that I am not desperate and it's just that I want to be a friend for now.
    May I ask you what the best option would be?

    Thank you.

    Reply
  • Ann

    My broke up with me over a miss understanding and I messed up by trying to text and fix things. But it didn't work. So we stayed friends but then he stopped talking to me and I sent him texts asking if we could talk and he didn't reply so after a week I told him I needed to get over him that I was taking him off all communication and that when I was ready I would let him know and that ot would be up to him to continue our friendship but after a while I sent him a text saying I was ok and was it ok for js to be friends, but he still hasn't replied to any texts, so I stopped texting him. So what should I do now ?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Ann,

      You must do no contact for at least a coupe of months before texting him again. Since you have already texted him a lot, you should use some other means of communication to re-initiate contact when you are ready.

      Reply
  • Rae

    My ex Broke up with me the beginning of May, I consider his disappearance as a breakup we officially broke up one week after that. He told me to he doesn't want anything to do with me and not to contact him. He felt as though I was too needy and that was about it. Everything else about our relationship was as best as we could because we are both working professionals that devote many hours to our our career. 90% of our conversations were via text, texting in the morning or around early evening. We saw each other 2-4 times each month depending on work schedules.
    Ten (10) days post the breakup he called several times and I didn't answer then because he kept calling I gave in a answered his call he said he was calling to see if I'm ok, I responded quickly yes and ended the conversation in 30 seconds. Since then he has called on two (2) separate occasions I haven't answered any of those calls. He's a great guy and we bonded in so many ways and I admitted to my shortcomings and worked on them during the six months we dated. 3 weeks prior to breaking up he even asked me to make the decision of being with him, taking the next steps in our relationship. I don't know how to approach this situation and I'm not certain about the no contact rule, because I have not attempted to contact him since, all contact has been him and I've only responded once. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hi Rae,

      You've done well since the breakup. But if you keep being aloof you will never get him back. You should contact him whenever you are ready and start rebuilding connection with him.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    How should I do if my ex doesn't initiate conversation and keeps expects me to initiate the conversation after my first text right after no contact period? Should I just wait and let her go if she does not contact me first?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Daniel,

      You should keep initiating contact but you should make the conversation more personal and more interesting as time goes by.

      Reply
  • Devon

    Hey Kevin,

    My SO broke up with me but we stayed in contact for a couple days. Was even willing to meet up and talk. A week later i was angry and told her to stay out of my life. I'm just coming to the end of no contact and wondering If i should send the elephant in the room text or stick with the memory text. I know she still loves me because she told me when we broke up. what are your thoughts?

    Reply
  • Sai Vidhya

    Hi there,

    So my very first boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a week ago because i was too controlling, easily got jealous, and I was irrational which led to many fights.

    I do love him very much, and I do realise all my mistakes. We both still have feelings and deeply care for each other, and he even suggested for us to be best friends, and he even said that just because things wont work out now, doesnt mean it wouldn't in future. He even told me I mean alot to him and he still wants me in his life.

    We are currently on no contact for 3 weeks, and i'll be meeting him right after it ends at his younger sister's ballet recital. Yes his family loves me very much and i still do want to be there for them.

    Its okay for both me and him to catch up over some coffee after the event right? Or what do you suggest we do? We are super duper close and we do trust each other with everything. Texting and all isnt a problem.

    I hope to hear from you soon, and i do appreciate all the advice on this site!

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Yes, you should catch up over coffee. You should also have made quite a few changes which he can notice when you meet.

      Reply
  • Zero

    My age: 26 (Chinese American)
    Her age: 20 (Non-American Korean)
    3 months dating, however she knew I liked her for over 2 years.

    I sent the "Elephant in the Room" text. She read it but didn't respond back. I still see her at my workplace once/twice a week where she avoids me like the plague. She is also leaving the country on vacation within the next 30 months for approximately a month and a half.

    We broke up about 5 months ago... and I also have been seeing her at work once/twice a week since then. I made a mistake by sending her very expensive flowers on Valentine's Day and when I saw her later that week, I tried to talk to her and she responded very angrily by saying why are you doing this to me and that I'm still thinking about myself. She said she changed her mind and she was okay with the awkward tension between us during work. She later texted me and told me to stop trying to text her or talk to her and that we can't be friends until I get over her.

    We haven't talked since, we just see each other at work and ignore each other (2.5 months). Recently, I made her coffee and she smiled and said thank you. Because I was caught off guard, I said "thank you" back instead of saying "you're welcome." I texted her later that night and told her that I meant to say you're welcome, hoped she got home safe and said good night. She said it was fine and good night back.

    The next week, it went back to the way it was where she ignored me like every other week. She probably didn't want to lead me on. That's when I sent the Elephant text a few weeks later. Not sure if I should follow-up or leave it as it is and restart no-contact.

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Zero,

      It's probably a good idea to do no contact for a month before you try to rebuild attraction. You should not expect a response to the elephant in the room text. Now it's time to show her that you really mean it when you said you've accepted the breakup.

      Reply
  • Jane

    My ex broke up with me five months ago. It started as a pause (we were having a bad time) but...we live in different cities (but near) but he hated the distance and...I guess he convinced himself that its for the best. After a time of him almost ignoring me, I decided to go No Contact and after that, we started to text each other, just funny stuff and shared interests. I was trying to gain him back but... A week ago he got obsessed with another girl. He is like blinsided, even if she has a boyfriend (I think she is using my ex) and lives on he other side of the country (they met online and I can read lots of things, that's how I know he has a huge crush, he is acting like never before, like he is "bewitched").
    I'm not texting him until he text me again (if this happens...I am hopeless). We have a chat group with common friends so we read each other all the time, but...
    I don't know what to do, this crush of him is breaking me, I am suffering a lot and I want him back, what can I do?

    Reply
  • Dan

    Hi Kevin,

    So in a gay, long distance relationship for six years. Every time he tried to end it in the past I was acting needy/desperate and he stayed. He ended it last week as he wants to see other people. This time instead of marching up there, I sent him a message saying that I cannot be in his lift right now whilst he is seeing other people and not to contact me unless he is serious about us, but that I could not guarantee it would not be too late by then as I would not wait.

    A week later (last thursday) I texted him saying that now we have both had time to cool off, maybe we should catch up in a month and just see where we are. He texted back straight away saying it sounded good to him and that we should catch up in June. I agreed.

    I am not sure if I have ruined the whole no-contact thing as he now knows we wont talk for a month? Therefore I am torn as to whether to be the one to contact him after a month or to let him contact me first? I worry that if I contact him first it will make it seem as though I am doing all the chasing again (even after I work on myself for a month and I am different) but that if I do not initiate contact after a month, I will leave it too late and lose him.

    What do you think?
    Dan

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Dan,

      No, you have not ruined no contact by telling him about it. You can wait till mid June for him to contact you. If he doesn't then you can should contact him.

      Reply
  • Margaret Gesare

    Hey your article has really helped me out after breaking up with my boyfriend n l have learned how to get him back though he told me not to text him again after we break up

    Reply

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