As I’ve mentioned in the guide on how to get your ex back, there are some deadly mistakes that people make after a breakup. The reason why most people make these mistakes is because they panic and in their chaotic mind, begging, pleading and being needy seem like the most logical thing to do.

But there is more to this than that. In most cases, the reason people want to get back together is because in many ways, they are dependent on their ex. They are dependent on their ex for their security, for love, for their self-worth and for happiness. And when their ex decides to leave them, they see it as a threat to their happiness, to their security, to their self-worth and to their happiness.

It’s a natural reaction for the mind to panic when you see a threat to your security. And when your mind panics, it tries to do all it can to get your ex to stay. Based on your past experiences, your mind will try to use everything to try to get your ex to stay. Begging, manipulation, stalking, smothering them with affection, jealousy and sometimes even anger and abuse.

In most cases, people who want to win an ex back, were in a co-dependent relationship. This co-dependency makes them more vulnerable to making these mistakes. The co-dependent person in a relationship is usually the one who takes steps to fix the relationship and make it work. The co-dependent person finds a sense of control in doing the work to make the relationship work. And when a partner decides to leave, they feel they’ve lost control and they want to do anything to get them back.

Your Insecurity And Low Self-Esteem

Everyone has some insecurities and low self-esteem is more common than think. There is no shame in admitting you have insecurities or low self-esteem. The problem arises when you don’t acknowledge them and your insecurities and your low self-esteem determine your actions and your major life decisions.

If you’ve made any of the mistakes mentioned in this article, then they were probably a result of low self-esteem and insecurities. Being in a relationship is comforting and convenient. But for many people, it’s also a source of self-worth and security. If you are getting your self-worth and security from a relationship or from another person’s approval of you, then you are doing yourself injustice. And if that person leaves you, you will probably become miserable and do a lot of embarrassing things to get them back, which you probably did.

The Difference Between Love and Co-dependent relationship

codependent relationship

If you care about your relationship more than yourself, you are in a codependent relationship

There is a simple difference between love and being in a co-dependent relationship. If you are in a co-dependent relationship “you put your relationship before yourself”. By doing so, you are making something else more important than yourself, and thus creating the illusion that you must really love that person. Unless you really love them, you wouldn’t be putting them before yourself.

However, this is not really love as much as it is a mask for your inner insecurities and low self-esteem. If after a breakup, you act desperate, needy and stalky, then most probably you were putting your ex before yourself. And that means you were not doing all those things because you love your ex, but because you were miserable without them.

You have to understand the fine line between love and being miserable without something in your life. If I am addicted to crack, I will be miserable without it. But that doesn’t mean that I am in love with crack. I might actually hate crack and the fact that it’s making my life miserable. But still, I will be miserable immediately after I quit it. And when I do, I will have the illusion that I actually liked crack or maybe even loved it. Why else will I feel miserable without it?

It’s because the mind is in pain when you leave something you are addicted to (in this case your ex), and it wants to convince you that you should do everything you can to get it back.

Realizing There is Life Beyond this Misery

Fortunately, time heals everything. If I stay away from my addiction for some time, I will realize that I don’t need it and I can live my life without it. The same will happen when you stay away from your ex. When you realize you don’t need your ex to be happy, you will understand how futile and needless your attempts to get them back were.life goes on

When you stay away from your ex, you slowly realize that your happiness and self-worth is not dependent on them. If you start making positive changes in your life without your ex, you start realizing that your life will be great and you will move on, no matter what. You will slowly start realizing that you don’t need your ex anymore. Maybe you still want them; maybe you still feel like you love them and it will be good if you get them back. But you don’t need them. And whatever happens, you will live a fulfilling life.

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17 comments ...add one

  • RW
    This was a really good article. It takes away so much of the I'm feeling that I've focused on my ex and put the responsibility for my actions back on me. I have always been co-dependent in relationships because of my emotional nature and having a large amount of debt from years of school. Thank you for remembering to look at my own needs and behaviors, and stop focusing on his. I've done a great job with NC and I'm starting to see my own part in the break-up.
    Reply
  • Kevin
    Does no contact even have an effect if your ex called it off and started dating someone else? We have a deep history.
    Reply
  • Sylvia
    My boyfriend and I broke up for like the six time on our five years relationship, every time we broke we don't stay in contact or see each other. 54 years old nah he's 56. I love him and love to be back on his life but I don't know what's his problem. Every time we get disappointed at each other he break the relationship with me and he vanished, disappeared from my life. I don't hear anything from him or any other person. Now is been almost two moths since las break up and I've contacted him about a moths and he told me to respect his space that he's trying to heal.
    Reply
  • Katelyn
    Hi, my ex broke up with me in March, because he told me he no longer felt the same about me anymore and that he wanted to remain friends still. I was mad and made a mistake in begging him to come back to me, and he said "What makes you think I'll come back to you? Lol" he just sounded like a complete jerk. So after that I just ignored him and he kept trying to talk to me still and told me "I hate being ignored." I replied to him a couple of times and then stopped and since then I never saw him message me on FB until Monday night he messaged me "Hey," and still I didn't reply to him. He always likes my pictures of me always. And he told me that he'd never come back to me. I still have feelings for him a little bit and I feel like I'm never gonna get him back. And probably never will, I just keep living my life. While he really wants to talk to me so bad.
    Reply
  • Josephine
    Hi Kevin. My ex broke up with me two weeks ago because he doesn't know how he feels, and I love him. For the whole relationship - I see this now - he was the one in power because I gave myself up to him, in the sense that I made our relationship our priority and he was in no way willing to commit, so kept doing everything his way. Anyway, I stopped contact with him completely and removed him from Facebook etc. but yesterday I sent him an email saying I wasn't angry and that I understood why it happened, best of luck etc. to which he replied very maturely, basically saying it was noones fault, good luck too. But then I panicked, and sent him one back to ask if he was sure! God, I feel so stupid. He was very nice again and said yes. So now I know that it's really over, but why did I feel the need for this double confirmation? Why didn't I leave it at the simple closure! I feel like I constantly place myself below others in relationships, and your article really struck home. I'm so embarrassed at what I've done, what can I do to learn self-respect? I want to stop reacting in such a silly way in the face of rejection :(
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Josephine, It's OK that you emailed him again. It's hard to not be desperate after a breakup. Don't judge yourself based on this incident. The topic of self-respect and not co-dependent is a big one and it'll be hard to cover in a comment. You can probably find a lot of resources by searching Google. One of the books I recommend is http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025.
      Reply
  • Danny S
    Kevin, I was just recently, within the past week, dumped by my girlfriend of 2 and a half years. We started out as fast friends. We we're pretty serious within a month of figuring out we we're interested in one another. We had a really strong relationship, we communicated well. We'd have fights but we never tried to leave each other upset. But she's currently a senior in college and as her undergrad is winding down, I decided to try and give her "room" to enjoy herself. To her, it came off as I didn't care anymore. When she tried to talk to me about it, I lost my cool and told her "No! There's nothing to talk about!" I guess I was offended that she didn't think I loved her. She dumped me right then. She said she needed space and time, that she thought we could maybe get back together but I couldn't just take away her hurt overnight. She said that she may only need a week. Since then I've pulled all the run of the mill mistakes. Begging for forgiveness, sent her presents. She still hasn't stonewalled me yet, so I haven't upset her to that point at least. I sent her a handwritten letter with our couple ring in it saying that I will gladly take the ring and her back when she's ready. Of course, she opened the letter, saw the ring fall out, and was furious. Our breakup has been for 5 days and I've had text conversations with her everyday since, day 3, she initiated the conversation after me being busy that whole day. Other than that, I've been initiating contact with her everyday. I just have as recent as this morning. In the past few days I have tried to keep my contact with her short and positive. I want her back. I feel like a huge piece of me is gone. I have spent this time to work on finding things that make me happy that have nothing to do with her. When I was harassing her with how I wasn't going to do anything wrong ever again, she never shut the door. So I'm optimistic that she may want to come back as well. But my question is, after we JUST had a conversation about how we wanted to keep communicating, how does NC not come off smug? Especially when the coffin nail in our relationship was her feeling neglected?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Danny, If she didn't officially break up with you till now and said that she only needs space and time, then don't start no contact. If she has officially broken up with you, then you should tell her you need space and time and start no contact.
      Reply
  • Ruby
    My boyfriend and at college together and I can't help but see him everyday? How can I apply the no contact rule to this, and I never know how to react when I pass him in the corridors?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Don't react. If he greets you, greet him back. But don't have any personal conversations with him. If he tries to talk to you, talk to him like an acquaintance.
      Reply
  • simone
    I am 38 weeks pregnant and my ex broke it off in November and been.misleading me.I did everything I wasnt suppose to being needy desperate etc. I asked him if we will get back together he says he doesnt know but still shows he cares. man am I confused. HE also has a New Gf. Do you think I still.have a chance
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Simone, You might have a chance, but don't count on it. Be prepared for the worst. If he doesn't come back, you have to be prepared to raise the baby on your own. If possible, apply no contact rule and start planning your life without him.
      Reply
  • Emily
    If you've already came off as needy and desperate and begged your ex back and he said he wants to be left alone, do you still have a chance in getting him back once he cools down?
    Reply

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