As you can read in the guide to get your ex back, I recommend that you stay at least 30 days without contacting your ex. In this article, I am going to go on to explain some of the reasons why it’s highly recommended for you to for so long.

Reason 1: You and Your Relationship

addiction to an exDid you know that breakup pain is associated with the same part of your brain as drug addiction?

You know how some people say they are addicted to their significant other? Well, in reality, this addiction is very real. And the best way to handle any addiction is to stay away from the drug.

I know that you want your ex back and you see no point in staying away from them when all you want is to end up in their arms. But, do you really think it’s the healthiest choice for you? Let’s just say you were addicted to heroin. And suddenly there was no where you can buy heroin. Would you use this as an opportunity to quit your addiction or would you travel to a different country just so you could satisfy your addiction?

You have to be sure whether or not you love your ex or you are just addicted to them before you get back together. There is no point in going back to an unhealthy addiction when it’s no longer in your life.

How do you determine whether you want to get back together for the right reasons? Here are a few points to help you go through.

  1. Remember the relationship with your ex. Remember the time you spent together. Whenever you were together, did you feel great about yourself or did you feel insecure about yourself? If you felt insecure whenever you were with your ex, you are probably just addicted to him/her. On the other hand, if your ex made you feel secure, happy, and confident about yourself, then there is a chance that he/she might be worth getting back.
  2. Do you just hate being alone? Does waking up alone in the morning makes you feel horrible about yourself? Do seeing other couples make you wish your ex was here with you at this moment? If so, then chances are, you are just addicted to being in a relationship. There is nothing special about your ex that makes you want to get back with them.
  3. Do you think about your ex all the time, completely ignoring your life goals, your career, your health, and your sleep? If so, then you are just suffering from grief. It’s a completely normal reaction to a breakup. You feel like you are in chaos and the only thing that will bring you back to your normal life is your ex. In reality, your ex is the reason that you are in this chaos. It’s very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal symptoms after quitting. They feel like the only thing that can help them feel better is heroin. In reality, it’s the heroin that’s made them feel this way in the first place.

Reason 2: Your Mental Health

As we established before, you are not very capable of making huge life decisions after a breakup. And your relationships with your ex might not be as great as you thought it was. However, even if your relationship with your ex was great and getting back with them is in fact a great idea, you still need to take some time off to get back together.

are you insecure or are you confident

When someone looks at you, do they see a confident person, or a needy one?

The person who just got dumped by the love of their life, usually becomes needy and desperate. It’s not their fault really, it’s everyone’s gut feeling to act this way. Every action they take and every word that comes out of their mouth reeks of neediness and insecurity from a mile away.

As I explained in the guide on how to get your ex back, this neediness is extremely unattractive. Your ex probably already have a lot of reasons to not be with you (perhaps neediness and insecurity was one of them), and if you show them the needy, insecure, desperate side of you, they will be even more repulsed.

Now, I can tell you to just not act needy and desperate, but the truth is, if you feel insecure and miserable inside, you will show it on the outside. You can control your actions with great effort, but your face and your voice will give you away. And your ex will understand that it’s all an act.

If you take 30 days off to work on yourself and become a happy person, you will actually become a lot more confident and secure about yourself. And just as before, you will show confidence and happiness from your face that your ex will immediately notice.

Reason 3: Your Ex and Your Post Breakup Relationship Dynamics

If you are reading this, chances are your ex broke up with you. Even if you broke up with your ex, you wanted to get back together but your ex rejected you. In either case, your ex is the one who has all the power in the post breakup relationship. They are the one who left you and you are the one who is miserable without them. You are the one who would do anything to get back with them.

If you wanted to get over the breakup and move on, I would have told you to not care about the post breakup relationship and just move on with your life. But since you want to get your ex back, you have to not only care about it, but also control it.

If you tried to call your ex, text them, beg, plead, or anything that shows how desperate and needy you are without them, then your ex controls this post breakup relationship. However, by just stopping contact with them, you instantly regain control. When you don’t call your ex, they start to wonder why you are not contacting them. The more time you stay away from them, the more they start thinking about you.

In most cases, your ex is almost as miserable after the breakup as you. It’s just that your needy actions make them feel like they are in control of this relationship. It makes them feel like they can have you whenever they want. It makes them feel like they have all the power. Even though they are hurt from the breakup, the fact that a person so desperately wants to be with them gives them a huge ego boost. And that makes it a little bit easier for them to deal with the breakup.

If you take away that ego boost from them, then you are leveling the playing field. In fact, you gain the upper hand because if you stop contacting your ex, chances are they will contact you soon. And when they do, YOU DON’T PICK UP THEIR CALL. This might infuriate them, but it will also break their ego. It will also make them realize how much miserable they are without you.

Now, I don’t advocate playing power games when you are in a relationship. But this is not a relationship, it’s the post breakup relationship. And having power in this relationship is important if you want to get your ex back. Because the more power you have, the more attractive you are to your ex.

However, when you do get back together, I recommend you have a relationship based on honesty and understanding, instead of trying to control the relationship. Because only a relationship that is based on honesty and understanding can stand the test of time.

 

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356 comments ...add one

  • Li
    So my girlfriend broke up with me because she says i get mad over little stuff, over react and spend too much time complaining and overreacting. I love her that much and i obviously want her back. But the thing is, we're in the same college, hostel, church and organization(a club).. Its totally difficult for me to do no contact. She still contacts me anyway but no amount of words have been able to change her mind. What should i do?
    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
      Hi there, I suggest reading up on this article to understand on how to deal with an ex if you have to see her constantly. If you can't convince her now, it would be better to apply the no contact rule first before talking to her again since the negative memories of breaking up are still fresh right now.
      Reply
  • Tone
    No contact is a bunch of bullshit...the longer you go non contact the less chance youll have at getting her back...distance doesnt break relatonships but silence sure as fuck does. If youre going no contact, be ready to accept that you will never see your ex again and you will eventually move on. Its fucked up how one minute youre together for 10 years everysingle day and the next ninute youre just like when you first met, 2 strangers. Life is fucked !!!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hi Tone, You are right, it's a possibility. This is why you should use no contact to heal and get back in touch when you are ready. From your comment, it seems like you are in pain. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you feel better soon.
      Reply
  • Tabu
    Hi, I've Already Made "The 5 deadly Mistakes". Is there any chance your suggested plan is going to work? As she has already adamantly told me she might get into another relationship but never with me again, I'm wasting my time over her. She talks to me but with repeated disclaimer that nothing is going to work. Yes I've done all the 5 deadly mistakes you mentioned, is there any chance things to improve? I'm very low these days, please help me out.
    Reply
  • Grace
    Hi, my ex and I broke up last June 4. We've been together for 10 years and he proposed to me last year. He said his letting me go and his tired of our relationship. i've been too dependent on him. I want him back ☹️ Last contact with June 28 after that I never text or message him again.
    Reply
  • Brett
    My ex recently broke up with me out of the blue. She feels that her life is really hectic right now and doesn't have time for a relationship. Plus she didn't like the fact our relationship was long distance. Do I have a chance of getting her back?
    Reply
  • Chisom
    I broke up with my boyfriend because he is controlling and he doesn't treat me rite he said he doesn't have to talk to me everytime he can go weeks without talking to me he hardly gives me attention when i broke up with him he just said okay bye that all he said i want him back
    Reply
  • Ashraf
    Hi Kevin My ex brokeup with me a month ago. This happened because he cheated me on and I knew about it. He told me that we cannot move because I will not trust him anymore (for me this is not true) but I guess it was an excuse. We had been together for alomst 5 months and we really loved each other. We rented an apartment and used to sleep and have our breakfast, lunch, and dinner together everyday. I'm really confused and cannot believe it happened. I haven't conacted or met him for almost a month in spite of having our apartment. We are gays btw. Are there any advice?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Ashraf, Five months is not enough time to build a strong connection in a relationship. It seems that you just went through the honeymoon phase of the relationship and he cheated on you and ended it when things got boring. Do you really want to be with someone like that? I recommend you do another month of no contact and focus on healing. If you still want him back, contact him again.
      Reply
  • daisy
    Brilliant advice!!! Thank you !
    Reply
  • daniel
    Kevin. Ive been here 2yrs ago. Im so good now and i want to thank you. I neverr hafd a relationship because i never want to. I had a lot of flings. Now i need your help again. My ex from 2yrs ago and i talked. We had a chance to have a closure and talk good again. She admitted that she sometimes thinks of me about what ifs and if something happens she thinks about me too. Now after our recent talk shes becoming a bit of clingy she started to initiate communications and messaging me. Now im not saying i want her back. I just want to hold the power between us this time coz i messefd it up before. What should i do? I dont reply to all her messages coz im thinking she cant have me 100% just by being a friend. If she want me then tell me. I just want your help again just like 2yrs ago. Thabk you!
    Reply
  • Marc
    What do you say about the counter arguement about NC being the worse thing you could do, I've been reading it's the best advice to move on for yourself and not necessarily getting your ex back. The amount of stories people wished they picked up the phone but stuck with the NC advice is a bit depressing. I am mainly referring to this article: [link removed] I was reading her replies the comments so was just curious whats your thoughts on this? I would love the read the negatives of no contact, the how it can actually do more damage if applied wrong, i agree there should be space and I agree if you contact a female it just seems to turn them off more..but which advice is correct...what is the correct approach, so much information out there that may be applied wrong.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Marc, I have read that article before and it has some good points. This is why I recommend that if you are too much worried about your ex moving on during no contact (or if they start contacting you during no contact), you should let them know that you need time and space to deal with the breakup pain and you will contact them when you are able to talk to them comfortably. Being honest, is a surprisingly effective way of getting around this dilemma.
      Reply
  • Richard
    Ja, follow what Kevin has provided. Its not easy, in fact its hard to deal with, but the mans right...better yourself and love yourself first...how can you love another when there's no love for you??..
    Reply
  • Richard
    Thank you Kevin, and everybody else for sharing their experiences, its set me on the right track to better myself and love myself. I pray that everyone else that reads what this kind man and people have shared helps them through the rough time of loosing your one. Love and respect.
    Reply
  • JA
    Hi kevin. Same name with my ex! Haha Anyway my boyfriend and i had this simple argument that gets chaotic because of my pride and he didnt get my point. Next morning i received a text saying he think we need to breakup. Our relationship is dead and that he needs to find himself. I said Okay lets be friends for awhile. He texted me that 'ok take care", the another msg, "it really has no effect on you huh. smile emoticon." i dont reply. he goes single on fb. and shared the news as fast as a wind to his friends! 3rd day. I made no contact. 4th day. he reached out. I dont reply. 5th day, sept5. i texted him that night! I said my decision to agree with the breakup was just ryt because of wat i found out. I was angry! I discovered something that truly hurts me. he never told me about an incident wayback in our first yr of rel. he texted me what did i found out! I told him. Then we exchanged texts. Then He told me the reason why he broke up. (He also pointed out that his the one who broke up!) That i dont meet his friends, i dont text regularly, that he waited for us to make love again. Etc etc. in return i also told him his downpoints. At the end he asked me if i want to fixed things ,he called me even. Just to found out his drunk. I told him ill tell him the answer the next day. His persuasive. He want an answer ryt away. That when i end call it means its totally over. Im just not ready for the answer yet. So i hang up and texted that pls we need to think about it. Im also confused that time. 6th. Then the next day came, i told him we need to meet to talk things out. He said no need he already has his decision. He already think about it last nyt (How? His drunk ryt!). That was to end our lovestory. I was shocked.i asked if he dont love me anymore. If theres no chance of fixing things together. He said he's confused. Sometimes he thinks he love me sometimes not. That if we end up again together he has changed into a brave man in a sense that he wont lower his pride again (Cause he always lower his pride for me to fix things for us). i got scared but im ready to have him still. I told myself this is my fault. I haven't made him feel special. But thats what he made me feel also during our times. Maybe both of us dont see our own different way of showin love. His showy, im not. His clingy, im not. By the way he got his 1st job. (We have talked about it before the breakup happened! I supported him even! I used to always cheer him up.) He told me his schedule! That day he also asked if we could have our last date. He asked me what day i prefer he told me his availability and we both agreed it should be on Sept 20. I asked again if he love me. He said yes. But if we end up together it will never be the same as before. I said "okay if thats what you really want". We texted and end up to nothing but goodnight. Sept 7,2015 i text him goodmorning also Lunchtime. He always reply coldy though. I asked again if his really sure with his decisions and he should have the most final. He said he dont know, maybe. I asked if he still love me, still not sure. He told me his afraid of losing communication with me. And I told him yes once we broke up we will really end our communication. He said he wanted us to be friends, i told him at the right time. He also asked me if i really want to give it try. I said yes. He still said so many excuses. Sept 8 i texted goodmorning lunchtime. Go home safe. Things i forgot to do before. Btw, Its his 1st day of work. he replied. That his going home. We exchanged conversation. Afterwards he told me if only i was like that before when we're still together. I just agreed. Then he went cold again. i asked again if he still loves me. Conversation goes on. Sept9 the same scenario goes on until Sept 11 our supposed to be 4th anniv! ;( I dont text him. I know i will be hurting myself more. That nyt i received a short cold reply from the hanging question from yesterday that he didnt answered. We started conversation. And to my shock, he mentioned that it was Sept11 that day! I dont know what to say. I said "yes it was Sept11 today. Why?" He replied , "well nothing." God! Im so confused. I asked again "why did you mentioned it?" I want him to speak up. To know his purpose on telling it. Still i got nothing. He started to be cold again. One word each reply. Sept12 we chat at night as usual. Of course i always initiate. He reply coldly. I love using emojis. The sad one. I asked him its late what is he still doing? He screenshot the monitor and sent to me. I asked what's it. He said "thats what im doing". I made it as a topic. I cant help myself, i asked him "do you miss me? Well there's nothing to be missed about me." I think his pissed? He said i should stop making myself pitiful! I told him no im not. Im just telling. He went cold. I asked again why arent he gone home? Its too late. He said his still finishing something. Then he added "and i will go home anytime i want". I got hurt. I back off. I said sorry and goodnight. Sept13 i initiate again. He always respond though. I made myself not pitiful. All emojis SMILING! I used HAHA even as laugh. At the end i raised same question. He told me I need to start moving on. I should do everything I can to move on. I said "Maybe you already move on. Anyway, thanks for the advice. I will" and goodnight. -end Sept14 the biggest mistake i did (but i really want to give it a shot) i texted him a long text. I told him i love him so much. That its so unfair how can he unlove me and move on so easily. That i have this questions in mind "if theres rally no way for 2nd chance?", "why does he moved on so easily?", "why he able to unloved me so fast?" "what should i do to win him back?". I even told him his not answering my questions directly. That his so cold. His pushing me away. Make me feel embarrassed. I also told him, that i thought we will be together until forever. (That's what he used to say.) That we have agreed that if we have problems with each other we should just fight over like what couples should do but why did he suggest a breakup rightaway. He replied. He asked if i want to know his side. I said yes. So here what he says. That he was ready for this breakup situation for about 1 yr. That I am the one who made him prepared on leaving me (he said i didnt give him importance). I said why didnt he told me. He said i wont listen, im acting like a boss. I told him its unfair! I'm not prepared. He said expect the unexpected. I wasted too much time. And he told me if ever we will end up together again it wont be the same anymore. I told him i'm willing to change i promise. Do the things i havent done for him. He asked me why I'm doing this. Why I'm chasing over him. Why didn't i showed how much i love him before when we're still together. I said because I love him so much and i'm sorry i didn't made him feel special (if that what he really thinks)! He said its too late. Promises are meant to be broken. That I wasted too much time before i realized it. I pleaded, begged that i need him. That we need a 2nd chance. I asked what he wants me to do for us to be back together. He told me he wants me to move on so i wont be hurting anymore. By the way he told me his 90% moved on!! (He has his drinking buddies, 1st job). I told him i don't want to let go. He told me I deserve someone better. I told him, NO I WANT ONLY HIM. I asked him if its okay to think about the 2nd chance until Sept 20 (The last date). He told me okay and that he'll think about it but i should not expect too much. And whatever his decision i need to respect it. I said Okay. He said "good". -end- I'm in total mess!!!!! I know deep in my heart I really love him. Sept 15,2015. I read about this page. I want opinions. Though I had my friends and family's. I just don't understand our situation. I never contacted him starting this day. I really dont know what to do. He never contacted me neither. Does his actions, his replies were positive or negative for my part? I feel his confused. I feel his pride is speaking. I do love him and want him back. Do you think I still have a chance to have him back? Can i really apply the no contact rule for a month? Give it a try? Should i go see him on Sept 20? But he doesn,t contacted me yet about our last date.Helpppp. ;( P.S. SORRY THIS IS TOO LOOOONNNGGG. I KNOW.
    Reply
  • Kim
    My boyfriend is 18 and I'm 20 years old. In our relationship our parents weren't accepting us as each other's partners. With the matter of time this thing kept disturbing my partner n he got uncomfortable with our relationship. He broke up a month ago giving me these reasons. I tried convincing him but he didn't seem to get convinced. I want him back, and these days he have chose not to reply any of my texts. Although I'm following this NC rule since 4days. Do you think there's any chance that I will get him back and I should continue with NC rule? ( to add- we were bestfriends before we start dating n we really had great times when we were dating)
    Reply
  • Brian
    Hi. My ex fiancé left 12 days ago and gave her ring back. We have a two year old daughter also. I've made evet mistake you mention in this article but it doesn't mention how to handle it when there are kids involved. We have to see each other and have spend a few afternoons together. She says she doesn't want our daughter to see us not together or hating each other. How do I get control or power back when I've made the mistakes already and she wants to spend time together as a family for our daughter. Also she still says she might want to work on things but not now and she's not sure or maybe or we'll see about trying again. Thanks.
    Reply
  • confusedbutok
    I contacted my ex after 30 days started with a casual text about the weather and slowly got her to let her defenses down. All seemed well. Then she started talking about her father and how no one cares about her and how I wasn't any different. Of course it led me to slightly mention how in the relationship it may have seemed that way but it wasn't the truth. Then she mentions she's seeing someone who makes her very happy and I replied "lol" she got mad and asked how that's funny and I said "it's just funny how someone you just met can make you very happy but all power to it" She then flipped! She told me to go f*ck myself and to delete her number and never text her or she'll block me and that I used her (which I never did) I replied with what? You really thought I used you? That's insane. And she never replied. Is all hope gone? :(
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, That "lol" was a bit passive aggressive, don't you think? And the explanation confirmed it. A better reply would have been something letting her know that you are ok with her dating new people since you two are broken up. I'd say give it another month NC (two weeks minimum) and then try again.
      Reply
    • confusedbutok
      She told me to stop texting her or she'll block me. Some friends say I should apologize but others say to leave her alone. I know I was jerky in my replies but I felt she was trying to prove she's happy without me and I wasn't buying it. What should I try saying after another month of NC?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      OK, I'll recommend you first send her an email explaining that you were caught off-guard with your feelings and perhaps you became a little jealous when she told you she is with someone else. Hence, the rude reply. Apologize briefly. And tell her that perhaps you weren't ready to talk to her and you think it's better for you both that you don't contact her for a while. And then do no contact for a month. You are right though, she was trying to prove she is happy and she clearly isn't since her reaction was kind of extreme. But you are the one trying to get her back, not the other way around. You don't get to be passive aggressive. In fact, you shouldn't be passive aggressive even if you have her back. If she tries to manipulate or lie or try to prove you something that isn't true, your response should be to tell her to cut it out. Not start playing into it. Tell her how you feel about her actions or whatever she is doing. Do not be passive aggressive. It just slowly eats away the relationship. Right now, you can't tell her she is manipulating, or trying to prove you something that isn't true. Even if she is. You can just show her that you are confident and attractive. It's OK to be a little vulnerable (which the email I mentioned above will look like) since being true about yourself is a sign of confidence. Notice you are not acting on your feeling of insecurity or jealousy (which is unattractive). You are accepting it and you are telling her you working on it, without trying to control her or manipulate her.
      Reply
    • confusedbutok
      Thank you! Should I send the email now or after two weeks? I had something written I was planning to send but didn't know when. It'd be something like this: Hey remember when we'd have those mini dance parties in your car? (One of our favorite artists) was on the radio and it made me think about how fun that was. I feel bad about how our last conversation ended, you're important to me and I hope all is well and we can be friends one day. Should I add more? Could you re-write it for me? I'd appreciate it greatly as I'm getting so much conflicting advice on what to do/say from people
      Reply
    • Kevin
      If you are apologising in your letter, you should send it now. If you are sending something like you mentioned in the comment, then you should wait two weeks. Either one is fine.
      Reply
  • Karen
    Thank you Kevin, He has been trying to make moves but I have been rejecting him. Right now, I have been communicating with other men and somewhat dating so I'm exploring options at this point. However, the love is still there for my ex but I've decided to not really spend any time with him right now. I just communicate with him through text when I can. I'm not jumping back into that situation at this point. I will let time run it's course because like you said, if he is not willing to put in the effort, I'm not trying to deal with him.
    Reply
  • Karen
    Hi Kevin, I just wanted to give you a minor update. So it's been basically 30 days and I have not contacted him, no more than about the belongings. I did accidentally send a group text with him included on Christmas and he responded "Merry Christmas Karen!" but that was it. He has prolonged the situation about returning our belongings so I haven't even pushed it. Not sure why he is prolonging when we stay in the same city but I thought it was kind of weird. I can say that the 30 days with NC has helped me even though I still think about him everyday but I have begin to do some different things for myself. Also, I found it weird that I've been getting restricted calls here and there. One was about two weeks ago around the time he gets off work so I thought that it was strange. I also received another restricted call a couple of days ago really early in the morning. I never get restricted calls so it's puzzling.
    Reply
    • karen
      Hi Kevin, so he brought my belongings back and when he came, he looked so uncomfortable, quiet, and uneasy. Not a lot of eye contact but I was happy and acted like nothing ever happened. I couldn't help but feel good and laugh on the inside as I watched him look weird. I redecorated my apartment so he hadn't seen it so he was trying to ask a few questions about that. He also was trying to ask a few questions about different things but I never gave him any direct answers. He wanted to know if I visited my aunt's house for Christmas because he didn't see my car when he drove by. I actually made some changes to my physical appearance too. He told me that he had ordered me a Christmas gift but it hadn't arrived yet. There was no conversation about us. I strictly kept it brief but he just looked so uncomfortable but I didn't give in to that. He texted me wishing me a Happy New Year but I waited for about 45 mins before I texted back the same thing.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      That's great Karen. You did good. Keep it up. Remember, you did nothing wrong in the relationship. He cheated on you. It's not something that can be forgiven easily. And trust is extremely hard to build again. Unless he admits his mistakes and wants to try his best rebuild trust, you should not even think of giving him another chance.
      Reply
    • Karen
      Hi Kevin, So he started texting me more and more basically trying to see whether or not I had moved on but I would always avoid his questions. He finally bought my Christmas gift over and apologized for everything that he did. He said that I didn't deserve it and the reason it took so long for him to apologize was because he didn't know how to approach me. He said that that was part of the reason he bought the gift as a start and then move into a verbal conversation. He said that he knew that he had to face me but just didn't know when or how. I told him that I forgave him but we can be friends. He hasn't really said anything about a relationship but he's been texting me that he misses me and asking if I miss him but I find a way to change the subject. He said that he loves me and always will and I say ok. He wants to know if I have a boyfriend or not but I say that I have friends but that's it. He admitted to cheating and even spoke a little about the other girl. I didn't really ask him any questions. I just acted happy as I normally would like nothing had happened. So, now I'm trying to figure out what angle is he going from here. He's been texting me but it's been friendly things but sometimes he will say something like he misses me or on his birthday he said that he wanted to go to a certain restaurant. I just respond and say something like "oh ok" or "i know you love their food and I hope you enjoy your birthday". We used to act really silly and joke with each other a lot so that's what we've been doing lately and I try to keep it like that. At this point, I don't know what to do. I did the no contact for 30 days but I still want to take things very slow but not sure what to do at the moment. Can you shoot me some tips?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Karen, First of all, you need to be real with yourself. He cheated on you. Do you think you can forgive him and rebuild trust in the relationship. It's good that he has apologized and accepted his mistake. But there's still a long way to go from here if you want a healthy relationship with him. There are a lot of websites that talk about infidelity and how to rebuild trust after someone cheated on you (One that I recommend is "Marriage Builders"). I suggest you go through them and get a realistic idea about what you will face when you try to rebuild trust with him. If you think it's achievable, only then go ahead with him. If not, then cut all communications with him (block him from everywhere) and try to move on. If you decide to go ahead, take things slowly like yo are already doing. Let him make the moves. If he doesn't make a move in a month or two, then you should ask him to hang out or maybe even ask him to get back together. Remember, whenever you two talk about getting back together, tell him what you expect from him if you two want to rebuild trust in the relationship. If he is not willing to put in the effort, end the relationship and cut him off from your life.
      Reply
  • Karen
    Hi Kevin, I found out eleven days ago that my bf of 1.5 years had been cheating on me. He denied it over and over again saying that they were just friends but I know that it's true. I was hurt and angry but he still denied it to the end. He text'd me that same night still denying but I never responded because I was so angry. I realized six days later that he still has the key to my home so I text'd him and told him but he never responded and still hasn't. I haven't contacted him since and I'm not going to. Over these eleven days I thought back on how lenient and nice I was to him and he probably thought in his head that I would always be there and that he still has me no matter what. I can't believe that I haven't heard from him because we were also close friends and we never really discussed the situation because he was at work when this all took place. I almost feel that he thinks that he's on my mind so that's why he's acting this way or maybe he's moved on with this other girl that he met 5 mos ago. I did notice during our relationship that he became distant the past 3 mos but he was telling me that he was trying to get some things together so I didn't push the issue. When ever we are together, we get along extremely well so I didn't notice any changes in his attitude. I just want to know why now since that he has been caught that he just doesn't admit it but not hearing from him is driving me crazy. I really do love and miss him. Please help!!
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey Karen, There could be many reasons why he doesn't respond. Perhaps he wants to "punish" you for breaking up. Maybe he is just too arrogant to admit his mistake. But whatever it is, I'll recommend you don't try to contact him. He cheated on you. And he has shown no signs of regret or taken any action to rebuild your trust. There is absolutely no point in trying to get him back. You do love him right now, but it'll fade over time and you will realize it was for the best.
      Reply
    • Karen
      Thanks Kevin, What do I do if he tries to contact me? I feel like that is going to happen but because everything was so heated at the time, he's trying to let everything cool down. He also has a few things at my place as well.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      If he wants his things, give it back to him. If he wants to talk about the relationship or breakup, tell him you need some time and space and you prefer not to talk to him right now.
      Reply
    • Karen
      Hi Kevin, I just wanted to give u an update. He offered to return my belongings but said that he could do it next week. We live in the same city so I didn't understand why he couldn't do it this week but I didn't ask. I actually told him to meet me the week after because I felt like he was trying to control that situation by saying that he could do it next week. That's all the conversation consisted of but I wanted to text him back so bad and ask him why didn't he apologize but I didn't. I just brushed it off but it was difficult.
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Great work Karen. I don't think you should worry about controlling the situation too much. If he doesn't admit his mistake, takes responsibility for his actions and shows a will to change and build the trust back; you shouldn't even consider talking to him or taking him back.
      Reply
  • Calista
    Hi Kevin, May i know if the period when my husband is out of town also count into the no contact period? or only when he starts to look for me which counts as the start of the no contact. I am starting no contact since a few days ago when he is out of town. so, it is more like i cannot contact him rather than a no-contact. Please advise. Thanks.
    Reply
  • Trent
    Hi Kevin I made a comment here and was hoping you could help me but I couldn't seem to find it. I badly need to check your response for that one. Thanks.
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Sorry. The comment section on this website is heavily moderated and I don’t approve most of the comments. Please post on the message boards if you have questions about your breakup or relationship.
      Reply
  • calista
    Dear Kevin, I tried to implement NC starting 22 Nov. My husband and I have a child. When he called me when to meet up, I still responded to me and met up for family outings. When I saw him, I tried to treat him as my child's dad only, but I still show my affection when the atmosphere was relax. Compared to my previous pestering behaviour, I performed well on Saturday. On Sunday morning, I received a message from him out of the blue telling me that he is going on a short trip with his parent. Then he went and switched off his mobile. I was left with shock and triggered my nerve. I felt disrespect and he still treat me as a friend. I suppose I couldn't accept that my position in his heart has changed from a wife to something less. So I have expectations on him. When it is not met, I will be disappointed. My counselor said that my husband's heart to me has died given his indifference response. I really want to get him back and let him pursue me. What should I do? Should I not let him see me and our child together so that I have a complete NC? We have seperated for two years, and I may have messed things several times. Do I still have a chance and keep on doing the NC until I successfully implemented it?
    Reply
    • Kevin
      Hey, You should keep doing NC and keep things strictly related to your child. Two years is a long time and your counselor might be right. I'll suggest you start accepting the possibility that you may never get him back. I'll also suggest you start dating.
      Reply
    • Calista
      Kevin, Oh dear, it is disappointing to hear that. I am still hopeful about the recociliation. I thought after two years, he still hasn't walked out of the relationship and staying in touch with me. No? Anyway, I don't plan to remarry and date again regardless of my marriage status. Once i am married and made my vows, I plan to be with the same person.
      Reply
    • Calista
      Dear Kevin, Our formal two years seperation will be due in end of January 2015. by then, my husband is free to submit the divorce papers by himself should he still wish to proceed with it. At one point in time, he told me he hasn't decided and thought of divorce yet. The reason why my husband left me is because i didn't do my responsibility as a wife n didn't live with him since our marriage. He used to love me a lot, then his endurance to this drop to a point he decided to quit. When he first told me about the seperation, he cried about it and asked me if i need his help, call him. since then, we stay in touch daily. but during this process, i keep pestering him which have made things worse. I didn't give him the chance to miss me. I thought i need to plant some good memories in his mind before i pull away from him. He sent me gifts on my birthday and mother's day. I have never implemented the NC rule. this is my last shot n final resort. whenever i see him, i can't help but to open up my feelings. I have to stop seeing and talking to him. I need to try my best to remove myself from his life and vice versa. If i have to tell him anything about our child, i will keep it via message but i won't go out with him together with our child because i will open up opportunity for myself to fail. NC is my last resort before the divorce comes. From now till end of January, i will try disappear from him. i will see how he responds and if he pushes forward. Is my strategy right?
      Reply
    • Kevin
      Sounds good to me. Good luck.
      Reply

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