As you can read in the guide to get your ex back and my guide to get your ex girlfriend back, I recommend that you stay at least 30 days without contacting your ex. In this article, I am going to go on to explain some of the reasons why it’s highly recommended for you to for so long.

Reason 1: You and Your Relationship

addiction to an exDid you know that breakup pain is associated with the same part of your brain as drug addiction?

You know how some people say they are addicted to their significant other? Well, in reality, this addiction is very real. And the best way to handle any addiction is to stay away from the drug.

I know that you want your ex back and you see no point in staying away from them when all you want is to end up in their arms. But, do you really think it’s the healthiest choice for you? Let’s just say you were addicted to heroin. And suddenly there was no where you can buy heroin. Would you use this as an opportunity to quit your addiction or would you travel to a different country just so you could satisfy your addiction?

You have to be sure whether or not you love your ex or you are just addicted to them before you get back together. There is no point in going back to an unhealthy addiction when it’s no longer in your life.

How do you determine whether you want to get back together for the right reasons? Here are a few points to help you go through.

  1. Remember the relationship with your ex. Remember the time you spent together. Whenever you were together, did you feel great about yourself or did you feel insecure about yourself? If you felt insecure whenever you were with your ex, you are probably just addicted to him/her. On the other hand, if your ex made you feel secure, happy, and confident about yourself, then there is a chance that he/she might be worth getting back.
  2. Do you just hate being alone? Does waking up alone in the morning makes you feel horrible about yourself? Do seeing other couples make you wish your ex was here with you at this moment? If so, then chances are, you are just addicted to being in a relationship. There is nothing special about your ex that makes you want to get back with them.
  3. Do you think about your ex all the time, completely ignoring your life goals, your career, your health, and your sleep? If so, then you are just suffering from grief. It’s a completely normal reaction to a breakup. You feel like you are in chaos and the only thing that will bring you back to your normal life is your ex. In reality, your ex is the reason that you are in this chaos. It’s very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal symptoms after quitting. They feel like the only thing that can help them feel better is heroin. In reality, it’s the heroin that’s made them feel this way in the first place.

Reason 2: Your Mental Health

As we established before, you are not very capable of making huge life decisions after a breakup. And your relationships with your ex might not be as great as you thought it was. However, even if your relationship with your ex was great and getting back with them is in fact a great idea, you still need to take some time off to get back together.

are you insecure or are you confident

When someone looks at you, do they see a confident person, or a needy one?

The person who just got dumped by the love of their life, usually becomes needy and desperate. It’s not their fault really, it’s everyone’s gut feeling to act this way. Every action they take and every word that comes out of their mouth reeks of neediness and insecurity from a mile away.

As I explained in the guide on how to get your ex back, this neediness is extremely unattractive. Your ex probably already have a lot of reasons to not be with you (perhaps neediness and insecurity was one of them), and if you show them the needy, insecure, desperate side of you, they will be even more repulsed.

Now, I can tell you to just not act needy and desperate, but the truth is, if you feel insecure and miserable inside, you will show it on the outside. You can control your actions with great effort, but your face and your voice will give you away. And your ex will understand that it’s all an act.

If you take 30 days off to work on yourself and become a happy person, you will actually become a lot more confident and secure about yourself. And just as before, you will show confidence and happiness from your face that your ex will immediately notice.

Reason 3: Your Ex and Your Post Breakup Relationship Dynamics

If you are reading this, chances are your ex broke up with you. Even if you broke up with your ex, you wanted to get back together but your ex rejected you. In either case, your ex is the one who has all the power in the post breakup relationship. They are the one who left you and you are the one who is miserable without them. You are the one who would do anything to get back with them.

If you wanted to get over the breakup and move on, I would have told you to not care about the post breakup relationship and just move on with your life. But since you want to get your ex back, you have to not only care about it, but also control it.

If you tried to call your ex, text them, beg, plead, or anything that shows how desperate and needy you are without them, then your ex controls this post breakup relationship. However, by just stopping contact with them, you instantly regain control. When you don’t call your ex, they start to wonder why you are not contacting them. The more time you stay away from them, the more they start thinking about you.

In most cases, your ex is almost as miserable after the breakup as you. It’s just that your needy actions make them feel like they are in control of this relationship. It makes them feel like they can have you whenever they want. It makes them feel like they have all the power. Even though they are hurt from the breakup, the fact that a person so desperately wants to be with them gives them a huge ego boost. And that makes it a little bit easier for them to deal with the breakup.

If you take away that ego boost from them, then you are leveling the playing field. In fact, you gain the upper hand because if you stop contacting your ex, chances are they will contact you soon. And when they do, YOU DON’T PICK UP THEIR CALL. This might infuriate them, but it will also break their ego. It will also make them realize how much miserable they are without you.

Now, I don’t advocate playing power games when you are in a relationship. But this is not a relationship, it’s the post breakup relationship. And having power in this relationship is important if you want to get your ex back. Because the more power you have, the more attractive you are to your ex.

However, when you do get back together, I recommend you have a relationship based on honesty and understanding, instead of trying to control the relationship. Because only a relationship that is based on honesty and understanding can stand the test of time.

 

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466 Comments on "Why You Should Wait Before Getting Your Ex Back"

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John
John

Just about to move in together into a house I renovated (which took far, far too long, drained me completely and brought out my worst, undecisive, sometimes helpless, social-life-abandoning and in the end even almost sexless self), my long time girlfriend told me she didn’t love me any more, even though she wants to. Miiiight be loss of attraction. That was around christmas. Since then, we had contact and met quite some times, but did not get anwhere. She often did not reply to my texts for days and appeared like a different person, thinks about maybe being burnt out… I did a lot of research on relationships (and what went wrong with ours). Monday last week we had quite a lovely picnic where I was to tell her about my findings which we did not get to discuss completely, making me eager to meet again. Some unanswered texts later (quite the habit now – a contact a week, then radio silence, even with kind oneliners asking about her sore throat or her injured horses) she declined an invitation. Mondays, I asked her to go to spring vacation with me to relax (because of her lack of energy). No answer until just now: She had a very bad week, thinks again she may be burnt out. Second text: She is going to vacation with a male friend back from university she used to mention back then. Third text (half an hour later): Her horse is injured.
Obviously, I should have looked for this site earlier on, I surely did act needy and insecure from time to time, even though I always tried to keep my texts light and witty. I tried to keep the going crazy to myself. But about that text: Before, I was about to start that No Contact phase, but now I wonder, having replied instantly until now and being eager for her to know she can always count on me, if it wouldn’t be smarter to text her back tomorrow or sunday and then start the No Contact phase, to at least send her off with solely good thoughts and things to say about me on that trip. Especially when she’s not feeling well right now, I feel I should be there for her and make her feel better. That ain’t the addiction talking, is it?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The ‘urge’ to be there for the person you care about will often come across as being necessary in your point of view, but to be honest, that will only add to your image of being needy or desperate to your ex, especially if she has begun to distance herself which usually means she isn’t as receptive to your ‘thoughtful’ actions. I would suggest beginning no contact but if you’re concerned about stopping all contact so suddenly, perhaps since she has said that she was unwell, you could tell her to take good care of herself and enjoy the upcoming trip. Leave it at that, and go onto no contact after.

Unknown
Unknown

Hello, me and my ex dated for 3 years, we broke up because he was so busy and he believed we would be happier seperated because at the point, I would be angry with him almost all the time for not giving me the attention I wanted. When we broke up, I regretted the way I acted right away and would text him and call him all the time. I was acting needy and desperate and he would listen and say he loved me still but that I was also pushing him away. My insecurities got the best of me and I feel awful for doing that to him, in the end, we realized it was toxic and nothing good was coming from it.. a few days i realized, that he was so willing to stop talking because he started to like another girl he worked with, they started dating the day after we made the decision to stop talking for a few months until we were both better.. he broke my heart and lied to me about her. It’s been 4 months and they are still together, but after reflecting, i realized that we just need to work on a few things, but our relationship was the best, is there any chance for me? Please help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If they are still dating at this point, even if you felt that there were ways to work things out, he may not be as interested at this point to consider it. You definitely still have a slight chance to win him back, but I would suggest moving on for now and working on yourself in the meantime. If the opportunity ever presents itself again and you’re still interested, then you could consider contacting him again.

Charlotte May
Charlotte May

My ex bf Mickey and I had been dating for about 13 years and a half including engaged for 2 yrs. We were childhood best friends and sweethearts. We shared a lot of nice and unforgettable memories together, we went trips, we were everything when we had each other… we love each other so so much. He loves me so much too, he valued me like a queen. But we always fought for my jealous type. He WAS faithful. But about one year ago he started to date other girls behind my back and we fought a lot when I found out. He gave me a reason that….”he was so stressed out already with his family problems and I gave him more stress. So he couldn’t make it anymore and we broke up. He then dates a girl only one month later after our break up. They stick together and post photos of them together on facebook always, it hurts me I dunno it’s rebound or not but they r still together, dating and going trips together and he brings her to his home to meet with his parents. He shoved me away. So I stopped all the contacts coz he asked me to.
I was mentally broken down for about a year after the break up.
I wasn’t ready to move on and find another guy. I was concerntrating on my work. But I was about to flirt with my senior manager guy who is older than me and he’s married already. His name is Peter, He always appraised for my beauty and intelligence. But when my parents found out, they reprimanded me badly for flirting with a married guy.

So then…I avoid him and then met a guy named Nick who has a gf already, he’s 33 and I m 29… but he said their relationship was only five months. He likes me but he doesn’t dare to start bcoz he’s only Sales Executive and he thinks himslef as he’s much lower than me. Coz I graduated from famous UK university and he’s just graduted from like community college But when I told him that I liked him… he was so surprised and excited. And he said he’s not sure about his current relationship too. And now we r like that.
I m not sure i like Nick actually, or I want him as a rebound. He also cannot trust me either he may think. He wants to wait and see I want to replace him with my ex Mickey. Coz I still have strong feelings for my Ex Mickey so strongly.
What should I do?. I always want my Mickey back..I cry every night till now.
Love
Charlotte May

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I think you should only figure out first what it is you want, whether it is to try and move on, or to continue wanting your ex back. If the decision is to try and move on, you could slowly explore things with this new person (provided he intends to break up with his girlfriend soon), and decide again from there based on your emotions. Take things slow and avoid rushing your emotions if they are not ready.

Bun
Bun

So my girlfriend and I have dated for 9 months before we broke up. We broke up for almost a month now but I was so needy and disparate that i was trying to contact and seeing her everyday. The reasons why we broke up were I did not give her enough space, I was so selfish, I shouted at her and we have arguments in front of others a lot. Because I Love her so much that i could not show her how strong I am in front of her. I just texted her again this Wednesday which I actually I do not suppose to do so. So should my NC start over again from today. Right now I am getting better and changing my habit. I am changing myself and do not even touch an alcohol again because of her. I am willing to change for her and I am doing it everyday. I started to enjoy myself like she does with her friends right now. But actually I still want her back but I don’t do the needy thing anymore. I just give her some more space before i am ready to meet up with her. What should i do next? Please give me some advices.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You don’t have to restart your NC process, but instead just take what happened as a minor setback. It’s good that you’ve progressed to not being so needy which is essential in your chances because you’re less likely to make mistakes or come across as desperate.

Jordan
Jordan

Hello, my ex boyfriend recently dumped me after being together for 3 years. We did everything together and we had a million firsts between the two of us over this time (even lived together for two years; we’ve been back at our parents since December). We had been having some problems with communicating but nothing big, it came out of nowhere. He used what seemed to be a cliche, saying “I’m sorry that I didn’t communicate better, you deserve more”. It was very it’s me not you, which hurt all the more. We were both very emotional, and both of us sobbed before I asked him to leave. He told me he wanted me to be okay and that I needed to move on (could he really hav meant this?). He and my mom are very close so after the breakup he met with her and apparently had been carrying some anger and resentment from a year ago. He told her things that he had never even mentioned to me, I’m not sure when he felt like he couldn’t be honest with me anymore. I have done no contact for 8 days, I recently gave him back his cat; my mom had asked to keep her and he said she could, his sister ( who I’m close with,m) said that he actually really wanted the cat so I ended up having her help me and I gave it back as sort of an olive branch. In the relationship we both became codependent, selfish, and at times we could be disrespectful to one another. So the cat was a form selflessness I wanted to show him, and I haven’t contacted him since I wanted to respect his need for space…. however it hurt that he didn’t even thank me for giving it back! I’ll continue waiting but…. what are the chances of him wanting to come back or even accepting me when we begin talking again? I thought we had something so special and it’s driving me crazy not knowing what he’s feeling or thinking.. he left his PlayStation, told me I could watch his HULU account, and watches all my Snapchat stories… he’s very confusing but I love him and we are so compatible.. do we have a chance?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be that he may have initially lost the passion towards you, but subsequent realizations of the reality of the breakup started to confuse him instead. I suggest giving him some space for now, and perhaps consider No Contact in the mean time to at least allow both parties to heal and work on yourselves, while figuring things out. If his feelings for you a sincere, he may decide that he still wants the relationship at the end of the day but if not, you could always consider trying to win him back.

Emily
Emily
Hi, so I desperately need some help. I’ve been so heartbroken for multiple reasons. So I dated my ex boyfriend for two years now. We had an amazing first year and while he took some time to take a leave of absence at home from college we started to fight. I became really controlling to him and would be jealous when he was out with friends and stuff. He went back to a school this second semester and we were okay. Fought a lot though abt little things I picked on. We also had a lot of amazing memories we shared by going to unique places together. He was the first person to show me what love actually means . I had recently not been able to visit him in our long distance relationship due to car accidents and lacrosse commitments. This caused a lot more stress and best friends leaving my life cake with even more drama. It’s been a rough semester. But I took this out on him. First of all on March 17th my friends convinced me of making a fake account on an app to text him a random number pretending it was a girl. So I stupidly did and he offered her his Snapchat. I blew up and continued to say let’s hookup and he said no. Drunk me at the time broke up that night and sent mean texts the next day. He didn’t respond for a day and I texted back saying I would like to meet with you and he didn’t see the point because I had already broken up. Anyway I arrived at his house and talked with his mom awaiting him to come home. And he basically said I don’t see us compatible then in depth said I guess we can give this a second chance but I’m not ready to make a decision right now. You have a lot of proving to do if we were to get back together. So I told him ok and we talked a little more and I left. Soon after I wished him a happy Easter and he wished me a happy Easter back small text and I texted a few days later saying hope all is well I went to our favorite place today and e said hope all is well with you too. Then I followed the next day with another text no response and another no response and I sent letters to his house at school and got nothing. I sent miss you texts and love you texts and got nothing. I’m finishing up my last week of school and I will be home very close to him. I know… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be honest, it sounds like he needs more time to deal with whatever has happened, and there may even be a possibility he has given up on the relationship already. His response to you on Easter was probably a courtesy reply but had no intentions of continuing the conversation further which was why he stopped replying the next day. If you really want to win him back, you’re probably going to have to give him more time before trying again to reach out to him but if he still does not respond positively then, it would be a better idea to move on.

Run or Wait It Out?
Run or Wait It Out?
I’ve been dating a guy for about a year. We share many things in common, including values and hometown, we spent time with each other’s kids and families and had fun in the time we were together. We genuinely care about each other, never played games. But it was always off and on, almost from the start. He had come from almost back-to-back horrible relationships when we met, including an 8-year marriage in which his ex-wife cheated and got pregnant (lost the baby). (It’s been 4 yrs and she is still taking him to court for money.) Right before he met me, he was 3 months out of a 1.5 year relationship, where the woman was constantly talking to other men while dating him. So he has some baggage. When we were dating, it would go really well, we’d get closer — but then he’d suddenly pull away and grow cold and not want to see me. We didn’t fight or anything. He did this over and over … telling me he liked everything about me one week and then the next not wanting me around. He was not dating other women. I know he truly cares for me, likely even loves me, but he could never tell me how he felt about me. I’m patient, caring and easy going, but I grew tired of the roller coaster and started asking questions. He broke up with me, told me he couldn’t give me what I wanted and needed and I should date other men. We didn’t speak for 3 weeks, and then he texted me and told me he missed me. Said he was ok and wouldn’t run away again. Well, guess what? Three weeks later, he was doing the hot and cold thing again! It went on like that for months. Recently, I got him to tell me that he thought he was getting better but he feels that he just can’t handle a relationship right now, can’t handle the obligations. He has a demanding job (he travels 3 or 4 weeks out of each month, so he’s only home on Sat and Sun) and a 9 yr old son, whom I get along well with. I never demanded anything of him but he said because of those priorities, he can’t focus on a personal life. He said he feels disconnected from his feelings and just isn’t ready for a relationship. But he’d like to stay friends because I’m a great person. He made a point to say we cannot see each other because something would happen (physically) to pull us back into the vicious circle we’ve been in because he can’t commit to me. He said he feels… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be very frank, it sounds like he actually needs therapy rather than space. Many people fail to realize the emotional and mental toll that these kinds of toxic relationships has on a person. It does not sound like his behavior is something that he can control, but instead does it instinctively as someone who has trust issues and emotional baggage.

Square
Square
Hello! My ex girlfriend and I were together for 1 year and 3 months. She got out of a bad relationship that barely was and got with me. We were always going to theme parks, and fun places all the time! She would tell me, only me, and me forever. We both had the best relationships of our lives, though she’s 21 and I’m in my 30’s. I basically introduced her to new friends and a mutual friend started hanging out and he caught feelings and told her that he liked her (after months of once a week hanging out with us) He told her one drunken night after being called out for being chummy with her that he had feelings and he wanted to kiss her. She declined and came to me after. She cried and said she was confused and needed space. I gave her a couple of days, we were both sick from it, she told me how much she loved me but at the same time she was dealing with her father’s cancer and chemo treatments. Her mother constantly telling her that she’s going to lose her dad, that she needs to be single and be there for him. She told me she had to talk it out with our friend and see. How she didn’t want any of this and how she couldn’t come back because she was affected by it. She needed to work on herself and get a job, and a license. I let a few days go by she texted me “hope your having a good easter,” and I told her it was okay and I was going to bring her things to her. She was calm and said she barely ate, but “it gets easier”. I told her to message me and she insisted “No, you message me.” Anyway, I let a week go by and texted her twice the second week. I kept it light but she didn’t continue the convo after 5 texts back and forth. So I met her one last time with the last of her things and her broken phone I fixed. I said,”I accept the break up, she replied “That’s cool”, and I want her to be happy. (She said she is full time nurse for her father) I told her I realized what I needed to fix about myself, and that I don’t want to pester her she replied with “You’re not pestering me.”but I continued I don’t want to be a negative thought to her. After that It’s been 11 days of NC, and she hasn’t tried to contact me. Do I keep NC and wait for her to contact me? Or do… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could complete NC and try to contact her after, because it doesn’t seem like she will contact you first given the issues she is facing right now. Even if the breakup affects her, she might be suppressing those feelings in order to function and take care of her dad as well as to avoid anxiety.

Kat
Kat

Hi, My ex and I broke up 4 weeks ago, we had been together 2.5years. The last 6 months have been very hard for us with issues he had from before our relationship, to put it briefly 2 lost court cases, work and money pressures got to him I feel and he became distant. I went above and beyond to help him with the running of his business for very little praise or thanks, he had no time to do things as he was always busy as he has massive bills to pay. Previous relationships broke up because of this, I feel I was very patient with him but this was the gripe of most of our arguments. After a massive row when he lost the 2nd court case he told me he didn’t want a relationship anymore. I was devastated, cried a whole week, didn’t eat and I was a bit needy tbh. Because we broke up over the phone I went to see him a week after the break up, I was so upset and he seemed like he did not even care, was very cold and felt like I meant nothing to him. He said he had made up his mind, then after a long upsetting chat he then said lets see how it is in a month, leaving me completely confused! I know he has a huge bill to pay by the end of the month and is he just pushing me away because he wants to concentrate on making money at the mo?! 3 days after the chat he then forwarded me emails from the court case, I told him I didn’t want to know as it had upset me too much, that was the last time we had contact 3 weeks ago. Since then he has not contacted me, I’ve been working on myself and feel better, been on a date but feel there’s a massive piece missing, I didn’t realise he meant that much to me! He still has not updated his relationship status, he has a few of my belongings he said he would post but he hasn’t and I know he is checking my FB page everyday. Yes I want to get back together with him but really don’t know how to play it. Your advice would be very helpful 🙂

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He could have acted that way out of desperation and that a relationship was not a priority and maybe even a distraction at that point of time. Wait it out a little longer and see if he contacts you by the end of the date he’s supposed to pay the bill, and you can decide again if you would like to contact him or not. If you decide to, you could follow the guidelines in our other articles on what to do after no contact.

Hazel
Hazel

Hi my ex and I met online and were together for 6 months. We adored each other and had such an amazing connection. I had some family stresses and I pulled away from him instead of opening up to him which made my behaviour look nasty and hurtful. Contact stopped for 2 weeks. When we spoke again he said he had taken a job working away for a few months after he didnt think I wanted him around. We saw each other twice and it was easy and like it always was. He went out to work and after a few messages back and forth he said he needs time and space as it pulls on his heart strings and hurts. That was 7 weeks ago. I sent him an easter message and he replied but that’s it. Should I give up??

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Sometimes a fresh job at a different place signifies a fresh start as well. If he does not actually show that he still cares for you or has any interest to talk to you, there might be a chance he has already moved on since.

Stuck
Stuck

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I couldn’t take it anymore and I did it abruptly. He is an alcoholic and I am a codependent, together we created a rather unhealthy environment. I always blamed him but now understand how much I played a role in our issues. There was minimal contact regarding moving things out of the apartment but once it was all gone I was crushed. I am on day 16 of no contact. I know I cannot hope for him to change his addiction, but I desperately want to talk to him. I was hoping he would reach out but I don’t think he will. I don’t know how he would react when I do, but how long should I wait?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps give it a month before trying to reach out to him again, and see how he responds to you. Bear in mind however, that things may not have changed so soon, and it might be a good idea if you know any of his friends who may share the same concern as you to consider therapy, especially if his alcoholism gets in the way of his daily life.

Emerald
Emerald
Kevin Actually, me and my boyfriend had been dating for almost 14 years and a half. (we both were 15 then) we were childhood sweethearts. We loved each other so much. He was a very understanding boyfriend and that we had planned to marry on our 11th Anniversary. But Unfortunately, I was diagnosed that I have Addison disease. But he didn’t give up and he sent me to the hospital and incurred all the medication fees. After that our wedding was cancelled. but also he didn’t give up then, he supported me whatever I need both mentally and financially. But when my family got financial problem, he supported me a lot. But about one year ago, when I wanted to study the bachelor degree ( final year) he supported me. the problem has begun then, coz I was so stressed and whenever he called me and facetime with me, I was so irritated and I was like bad mouthed to him. He was so depressed. ( yeah, we were LDR then and I was studying at another state). During my final year study, he went and visited to me just once. that is all. And when I came back we were discussing about the wedding again. but his business was financially in tight situation and he had another family problems. But I could never give him pure or sincere understanding and I stated to argued with him a lot. Then, he requested to give him some space, but I wouldn’t. So he started to drink a lot again and went to parties and dated with many girls and got one night stands for fun. When I found out that, I cursed him like hell. But we had reconciled for a while, it was about weeks. Then, I started to afraid to lose him forever. Then, I started to show my desperation and pleaded him not to leave me. he said he won’t . but I called him at nights and like checking if he is drinking with frds or chics. Then, seemed like he was annoyed a lot and then. He urged to break up. But shortly after that, about one weeks or one month, he got a new girlfriend. he went trips with her. He posted couple together with her and he brought her his home to meet with his parents. I went so crazy. I begged him and asked to come back to me which he denied and he was like he considers me just as a friend. So it has been 7 mnths that we broke up and it has been 6 mnths he dates with the new gal. What should I do? I am so scared… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

14 years is a long period to be together. In that time, I’m sure you’ve created many meaningful experiences with him and I don’t think it would be possible for him to have simply thrown it all away like that and his new girlfriend might be a rebound. However, because of the duration of the relationship, there’s also a possibility that he feels liberated from it, especially if the last few months or years have not been exactly pleasant for him. In this case, you could try to still win him back but it won’t be easy and will require a lot of time and patience.

Emerald
Emerald

Thanks a lot Ryan.
Will u give me a guidance how I can win him back. I can be patient and how long it takes, i would not care coz as long as that he will come back to me, I’ll b fine.
I love him so much.
Emerald

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There is no specific time frame, but you’ll at the very least have to wait until his relationship with the rebound is over before starting conversation with him again. I would recommend that in this time, you focus on making positive changes to your life as well, so that you feel better, as well as give him more motivation to return (when he sees the positive change in you).

Emerald
Emerald

Thank u so much for ur suggestion Ryan. Xxx

Emerald
Emerald

he and his new gf has been dating for about 7 mnths.7 mnths is not a rebound anymore? Or rebounds can last more than a year or what? Is there a chance I can get back with him as they travelled a lot and they stick together like inseparables.

Pls help me Ryan

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It usually remains unclear how long a rebound can last but there would be signs to show that the relationship he’s currently in is a rebound or not. You could refer to this article for more guidelines.

Emerald
Emerald

Ohh thanks a lot Ryan…
It makes me clearer to understand and assume whether his new gal is rebound but as far as I know after reading it, she is a totally rebound.

Emerald
Emerald

Dear Ryan thank u for u guidance becoz I’ve read it, I realized more that the gal he’s currently dating might b rebound according to the symptoms. And how long shd I do the No Cotact Rule? as he told me already not to contact him these days, how long do I need to do NCR?

Jason
Jason

Hi my partner and I have been together for three years. We were due to get married next year. We have had many “ups and downs” and separations a lot down to hot headedness and some down to circumstances. Her mother has dementia – she feels guilty to put her in a home and also her dad leans on her massively for help. On top of this she has three very demanding daughters all no longer at home but still needs their bums wiped. She also has a 13 yr old living with her. Three weeks ago my partner had a big operation. I was getting up at night helping her with her medication, “fluffing” her pillows then going to work coming home cooking the tea and general housework. When she was having this operation – a boob job and under anaesthetic I went and bought her flowers. I personally didn’t think she needed it done- she’s beautiful and I absolutely adore her – I was so upset how poorly she looked when the op had finished that night I slept in hospital chair before driving her home . Would also do this every month when her mum would come and stay with us which meant I stayed in the spare room. My partner accused me of being secretive with my phone – ridiculously – so I said there’s my phone look whenever you want no problem. She then said let’s call it a day – I got some of my things and said we need a few days apart. I went out with friends for a well deserved break – she says she can’t forgive me for sending pics enjoying myself and leaving her like that but I WAS told to go – I’d love to know everybody’s thoughts? Many thanks for replies

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

In my opinion, you have done nothing wrong based on everything you’ve stated. It could be that there was a deeper reason for her unhappiness with you than she was letting on, which resulted in her attitude towards you. Perhaps you might want to give it some space, and find a chance to talk to her when she’s calmed down about why she’s unhappy.

Spark
Spark

Hi. Thanks for this page and the experiences shared on it has been very helpful. My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me 6 days ago. I actually thought he wasn’t serious. That was on a Saturday. We had an argument and I stretched it a bit by not taking his calls or returning them because I thought that will make him listen to me. Unfortunately, it pushed him away. Sunday after work, I went to his place, apologised, cried but he said his mind was made up. Sunday evening I called him again begging, crying and all but he didn’t change his mind. He still loves me. He is hurting. We’ve been having little arguments lately and he said it’s draining him. Monday and Tuesday he checked up on me. Wednesday night, I missed him so much and I contacted him. He still calls me baby, says he loves me and all but his decision is for our good and still stands. I deleted my app and cried myself to sleep. I woke up this morning sick and couldn’t even go to work.

I’m scared if I go NC we may just totally move on. Pls help. I really love him.
Thank you . Sorry it’s long 😀😁😁

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If the relationship had been a meaningful one, a brief period of no contact would not be enough for both parties to move on so easily. I would recommend you go through with it since he’s expressed that he feels drained from all the fighting. At least give both parties some breathing room before initiating anything once more.

Alex
Alex

My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me 2weeks ago. I know our relashionship wasn’t perfect and we lacked balance and had issues in the past. I’ve passionate and him a little more moderate in the relashionship. But we were getting to a great place… When he dumped me out of the blue. I was devastated, begged him to stay, he told me he needed space and couldn’t see a future with me (we’re 21 and I never asked for that kind of commitment).
So I end up accepting the whole thing even though it hurts like hell. I’m trying to be a happy person without him, and I feel ok with myself tbh.
But now he wants me back, and I don’t know what to do. I still love him but I don’t want to get back into a relashionship that’s already failed. Should I wait longer before returning his calls ? Should I just get back together with him ? Are we doomed already ? Heeeeelp

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He may have broken up with you because he felt bored of the relationship or lost attraction for you, resulting in the sudden breakup but is coming back now because he realized that he still has feelings for you and the breakup was more of ‘in the moment’. It’s your choice to make whether you want him back, and whether you think his actions were the result of an impulsive thing that is unlikely to happen again.

Paige
Paige

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We lived at his moms house for about 5 months of our relationship. I never doubted if he loved me or not. I just knew he did. We did everything together. I brought him to and from work, to any appointments, we showered together, and we just talked. I loved every moment with him, he is such a nice great guy. We had a bad drunk fight (I was blackout drunk and I make no sense when I am) and he left my moms where we were drinking to go home. Next morning I wake up with texts from his mom saying him and I aren’t together and that all my shit is packed and they’ll drop it off later. He didn’t talk to me from Thursday(the night it happened) to Sunday, when I approached him at work. I had sent emails but he didn’t reply. The only time he talked was when I approached him. Later that day, he emails me back, saying that we are different people and want different things in life and that we aren’t on the same page anymore. He said our relationship was hard and he just wants it to be this way, he said he doesn’t know if he wants to try to fix things at this point. Everything was so easy with him, our relationship was easy to me. I asked if I should wait for him or move on and he emailed move on I’m sorry and stopped replying since Sunday. It is now Tuesday and I can’t sleep or eat or honestly do anything. I’m just not sure what to do.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could either move on like he said which may be the easier thing to do, or decide to try and win him back – which would definitely be the more difficult choice as it involves a lot of patience and trying to make it up to him for the drunken fight. Either way, you should at least give both parties some space for now to let go of negative emotions relating to the breakup, and first learn to deal with the breakup since it’s likely he won’t retract his words for the time being.

Franklina Eshun
Franklina Eshun

I broke up with my boyfriend because I had trust issues.I got mad at him for texting his ex girlfriend and I just broke up with him
I later on regretted breaking up with him and I apologized to him but he said he was fine being single.What do you suggest I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should learn to control your emotions better and not throw out breaking up so easily in the future. For now, perhaps try to talk to him about this and let him know that you love him and hopes he reconsiders, but if he doesn’t respond positively, you might have to consider the possibility of moving on.

Frank
Frank

My girlfriend and i have been in a relationship for almost our entire lifes.Things were going well untill out of nowhere she told me she doesnt feel anything for me when we make love and i cant buy her what she needs.She asked for time and space and i moved out i have not had from her for 2wks.I dont know if i shud fight for her or give up?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Sometimes, couples who have been together for a long period of time can start to get bored of each other, and even compare their relationship to that of other people’s. There’s a chance that your girlfriend felt that grass seemed greener elsewhere because things were too stagnant and didn’t bring her any excitement. You still have a chance since you mentioned that the relationship was a prolonged one and must have been meaningful at one point, but you’re going to have to make changes and figure out why she got bored of the relationship, and work on changing those aspects of yourself.

Lauren
Lauren

Hi Kevin. My big of a year broke up with me a week ago. The first couple of days I pleaded and begged. He said he saw me more as a friend and didn’t feel that spark. Our relationship was really good. Not too many fights and I thought we made each other happy. He said he needed space. I don’t whether this meant space to think or space from me in general. I’ve been doing no contact and I’m on day 4. I’m worried at the end nothing will change. But because we didn’t end on bad terms I like to be hopeful. I just don’t know how to make him realise that we were really good together. He hides his emotions so I feel like he’ll just push them down if he does start to feel anything different. Even if I reach out to him and the end of no contact I feel like he’ll just be stubborn and set in his ways. I’m struggling to get through this and all I want to do is message him but I know it’s too soon.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Complete NC first and see how things go. Focus on improving yourself as a person during this time, and use these changes to draw him back in when your NC is done and you initiate contact once more.

Ryrene
Ryrene

So my ex and I have been together for more than 2 years. We’ve been friends for 1 yr and relationship for 1 yr. We often fight these days whenever we fight I’m always the one chatting him first but after an argument he suddenly tells me that He’s tired of life, he doesn’t want me anymore, he doesn’t want commitment anymore and that whenever we have an argument he never think of fighting for it anymore. I saw his message to his friend saying that he was so pressured that he wants us to be just friends like before no pressures, no commitment and etc. I know that I’ve been so bad before our break up that I complain almost about everything. I want him back so badly now. I tried to act desperately at first when we broke up but now I deactivated my facebook account to stop messaging him. Help me. Should I chat him after his busy sched ended? Or should I just let things be? I love him so much…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since you know that there were underlying issues between you, perhaps give yourselves a break and some space for now, to figure out what those issues were exactly. If there were certain things about yourself that you think you can change, do so, and aim to create a better version of yourself. Also, since he’s been feeling suffocated, this space would allow him to let go of the negative emotions he may be feeling towards you. You could contact him again after you’ve completed no contact for a while, and feel that you’re in a better place since the break up.

Lori
Lori
My ex (we dated 7 months) ended our relationship because I had been feeling some distance from him and did not feel very close to him. He travels a lot for work, so he had been gone for 10 days, came home and got sick, then we traveled out of the state to see his family. This was all over the course of a month. He is not a romantic man or very affectionate. I mentioned something to him twice (I was in no way accusatory, mean, etc.) and he got up and left, saying it was a bad sign that this subject has come up again and that he feels he can’t do anything right or be himself. Let me say, before I go on, I was in no way through the relationship trying to change him or anything of the sort. He said many times how wonderful it was and that he had no issues with me whatsoever. He ended the relationship after that, called me less than a week later and apologized, telling me he has run from problems his whole life and that growing up his mother always blamed him for things that would go wrong, and ask him..what did you do now?? We worked through the conversation and I wanted to try again, as did he. He left that night for Europe for work. Communication was not that great, as is typical but was getting better prior to this trip. I heard from him one morning, then nothing more and it was 11pm. I didn’t know what to think so I texted him that maybe I misunderstood our conversation before he left and I didn’t think I’d hear less from him. Well, that blew up in my face. He told me that he is not the type to text me every 4 hours to make sure I am happy in this relationship, that he was busy all day. He said he is not romantic, not attentive to others’ schedules when he is working. That was the jist of his text. Believe me when I say I have NEVER asked him to text me every 4 hours. I just thought he could have sent a text that night to say, hey I’m really busy tonight, let’s talk tomorrow. Or a simple I love you, it’s been a really long day. He texted me 2 days later and said he wanted to end it again. I simply said, I agree. I still want him. There was a lot of good. I’ve been silent for a week (that’s how long ago he ended it). I’m just so sad without him. Help.
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He has to understand that a relationship involves compromise in order for things to work. One can’t just enter a relationship with the mindset of ‘these are my bad habits, I’m never going to change – take it or leave it’. If he’s behaving this way, perhaps he has not matured enough in the relationship context to understand these things. In which case, if you do see a future and want him back, will have to be extremely patient with him, because he just doesn’t see the need to change of he is. You might first want to give yourself some space and have a change of pace in your life. Figure out if you’re willing to be the one that compromises on this matter, but bear in mind that it can be exhausting. In my opinion, someone who is only going to be available for you when he feels like it and isn’t willing to compromise on the small things like checking in on their partner from time to time isn’t going to be able to work out the big issues with you.

Carter
Carter

Hey Kevin,
My girlfriend of 4 years recently broke up with me because she claimed she was stressing managing with school, family, friends and me. We were fine the week prior, no fights, just a relaxing weekend doing what couples do, it was a happy time. Then the next week she came over to break up to me, she said she didn’t have enough time to commit and she said she starting losing feelings for me as the quarter progressed. I did the mistakes it’s begging, pleading, mass texting, smothering her with my feelings and that just seemed to push her even further. As a week went on, I was told by her sister that she felt restricted being with me and that’s why she left me. Now she’s cold, rude, and very distant with me saying she gave me plenty of chances and she won’t reconsider coming back with me. I’m already two weeks in with No Contact, but I just want to see if you think I have a possibility rekindling with her?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It may be because of the duration of the relationship, that one party ends up feeling bored or restricted by the other person, because things have gotten stagnant. A spark may have also triggered it such as a new romantic interest or from comparing the relationship to someone else’s. Under these circumstances, you can still win her back but provided that you show her that being with you isn’t going to be boring or restrictive but rather, something exciting to look forward to. For the time being, it may be better to give her some space in order for the changes you make to have any significant impact on her, as well as for her to not treat you so cold or distant.

K
K

My ex ended it around 5 weeks ago and i saw her three days after that – I figured I would be able to change her mind, I was wrong! We were together for 18 months.

Basically, the relationship was great other than I had drunk too much. Last year she ended it once because I was drunk and hit on her friend (I would never do that sober and her ‘friend’ was stonecold sober and reciprocating).

I stopped drinking for two months and attended AA meetings, was much better and we got back together.

Due to the nature of my job, I was deployed the otherside of the country, drunk again and called her drunk. Anytime I did this I would become emotional (dont know why but learning why through counselling) and tell her I would let her down. I guess she finally listened.

We had planned our future and were happy so long as I stayed off the booze. So, I am again attending meetings, I am fitter than ever as have run everyday for the last 35 days, hit the gym and look great.

I do not think contacting her is wise, but I guess I just wanted to know what I should do?

I have hurt her badly and I know I need to show through actions I have changed in time. I dont want to give up on her as she makes me want to be a better man. Just took her ending it the second time for me to finally get it…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s better late than never at all, when it comes to realizing our shortcomings. Since you’ve already done so much in the past month, you should continue to do so and stay off alcohol, not for her sake, but yours and to realize that it would benefit you as well to abstain from it. Perhaps wait a little while longer before contacting her, to prove to both her and yourself that you’re capable of making such a change in your life, and more importantly, ensuring it’s a permanent change.

Ben
Ben

Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years, but recently we have broken up, it was either me or her that would have had to move out since we lived together, I screwed up a few things with not being open with her and was not financially stable with my savings so she could not see any future which she has said.
During our break up which lasted two months, she started not comming home and stayed at her friends, as I tried to get closer to her it got worse but she did keep mentioning about breaking up. At some point I got emotionally unstable and over reacted, that drove her even more away, this lasted almost two months. She said if I keeper pushing her and not give her space she will eventually hate me. From past few weeks our relationship has slightly improved, but she does t really have much to talk least she’s replying my messages.

During our relationship she always wanted to get married and have children with me, but now I’m trying to do everything what she has wanted but she’s said that everything is to late. I just purchased her a engagement ring as a last ditch and have no idea if I should go ahead with it, because of her hints that she still wants it, it’s very consfusing, should I wait little longer, or what?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You shouldn’t jump into things and propose in a desperate attempt to win her back. Think it through, and win her back with your sincerity first before considering anything further or the proposal would hold no meaning. Give her the space she needs and slowly prove to her with your actions that you’re capable of change. If she truly loves you, she will see the change in you and there’s a high likelihood of her coming back. But you shouldn’t push her or pressure her now, or you WILL push her away. Take things slowly and as mentioned, win her back with your sincerity as opposed to desperation.

Lilac
Lilac

Hi.
I broke up with my girl friend 3 weeks ago.
We are still in to talking terms though very minimal.
i did a closure email sometimes back outlining all my failing and apologising and i asked to me another chance in future when she is ready.I have not received a reply to my email.
I want to request for a valentine casual date.Please advise me on how i should go about it.Thank you. Lilac

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could break some ice with her first, and if you’re both on friendly terms, you could proceed further to ask if she has any plans made for Valentine’s, and joke about the two of you getting together for old time’s sake.

Danijela
Danijela

Hello.. so, my ex and i were together over 3 years. In the end,we have lots fight,but i loved him and i know That he loved me. After 4 weeks since break up and no contact,i send him text … So we meet after 5 days,have short conversation, i came for some stuff That i left in his house. After That i send him text That it was Nice to see him,and That i would Like to to on some coffee With him .His respond was something Like this”yes,it was short conversation and litlle weird, for me,you know That i do not like some big talks but yes for coffee . We will be im touch. ” That was a week ago. I went through all process,and think That i made some good changes. So,my question is…why he dont call me for That coffee? Was je lying about it? I need some advice…what to do? What to think?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It may either be difficult on his part to take the first step, because of his pride, or that he isn’t serious about meeting for coffee. Either way, you could always wait a couple more days and ask him out for coffee yourself if he doesn’t initiate.

Justin
Justin
Hello, my ex broke up with me 5 days ago and I’m completely confused on what to do. We were together for almost 8 months, a few fights here and there which was never anything major in my eyes but to her it was. She’s in school full time, had to move back in with her mom who is a huge stress in her life and also is managing to take care of her daughter who is 1 1/2 years. Our break up was really weird because she claimed she didn’t love me anymore and that she was unhappy which just didn’t make sense because a week prior she was fine and being all lovey dovey. She came to my house to give me back my key and take her Xbox and other things and while she was there we talked, she let me hug her cuddle her crack jokes and laugh but she was very firm in her decision to being done. She even told me she loves me, but she was forcing herself to also say she’s done and doesn’t love me. It was very contradicting and confusing to me. She ended up skipping class so we could talk and she explained to me that she is week. She failed two classes during our relationship and she is hiding it from her mother. So she was also pretty upset that she skipped class to talk to me. After she left we texted each other all night I would say I miss her and she would say I’m sorry. The next day she texted me and told me she still hasn’t changed her mind. I called her and called her out on the fact that I felt like she was just lying and forcing herself to say she doesn’t love me. I really feel like she does and she’s just scared because when she’s in a relationship she has a hard time balancing the relationship with priorities. So it’s been 4 days of no contact and I can’t stop thinking about her and missing her. I tried texting her hi and she just won’t respond. I don’t know what to do as for how much time is enough time before we could maybe talk again. One of the last things she said to me was for to give her time… I just feel like she has to be feeling the same as me right now about missing each other and talking to each other. I was literally the only person in her life that she would talk to about everything. All my friends say she will probably try contacting me in a week but part of me thinks that… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you’re going through no contact in the first place. You have to understand that the whole point of no contact is to give both parties time and space (for whatever reasons) to let go of any negative emotions they have. She definitely still has feelings for you but is facing tons of stress from other aspects in her life and you should try to respect her decision of wanting space. By pushing her and pressuring her to talk to you or get back together right now, you’re only going to push her further away since she may start to feel annoyed or fed up at the fact that you won’t respect her decisions. Continue with no contact for a month to also allow yourself time to heal from any pain you may feel and to create a better version of yourself so that you’ll be able to support her in the future.

Yoyo
Yoyo

Hi~ So i broke up with my ex 5 months ago after being together for a bit more than a year… coz back then i didn’t feel i love him (i liked him, but not love)… He loved me very much and he was very hurt and confused. During these few months, we had a few mutual friends events, then a month and half of NC.
I’ve been thinking about him and if i pulled the trigger too early too fast?? I reached out to him last Dec and was hoping to have a chat but he wanted to have closure and some time apart. We bumped into each other accidentally at another event not long ago, after a month and half NC… and we managed to talk n clear up a few things.
I finally decided to have a conversation of the possibility of getting back together but he said he was ready to move on, and now is very confused and unsure that i’m serious of getting back. He said he really likes me and can see us going out for dates and see how things go.. but not getting back right away! When i asked him if he wants to go out dates, he said it’s too soon for him and he’s not ready! he needs more time to think!
I’m confused! i thought he loved me and wanted things to work?? Shall i give him more time or just move on??
thanks for any advice! 🙂

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you’re really serious about him, I suggest giving him a little more time, but not cutting off contact entirely. You could always stay in touch through texts or social media, and when he’s ready to go out, take things slow, and go for several dates before seeing how things progress. He’s not sure if you’re serious about him or not, which is why he is confused. Also, the fact that he doesn’t feel ready to meet you yet means you must have hurt him when you ended things last time.

Yoyo
Yoyo

Thanks Ryan! so i should reach out and txt him to say hiii n how things are going? or i should ask him out again for dates? i know i hurt him a lot… at the moment i’m just not sure if he just wanna be left along and do this thinking and i should just let him be… it has been a week since i asked for getting back. I did call him last Sunday and asked him to go on dates and he said it’s too soon for him to meet. 🙁

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Take things slow, and just start by breaking ice and being friendly with him. Don’t ask him out so soon unless the response you get from him is extremely positive.

Randall
Randall

Hello, my girlfriend of nearly 3 years just recently broke up with me. We both had a few very short and insignificant relationships before meeting eachother. We were the first people in eachother’s life to show eachother what love was.
We got along really well and had a great time together but we would fight all the time. We would mostly fight about misunderstandings or some dumb thing I would say. Our fights would start for such dumb reasons that I honestly have a hard time remembering how most of them started.
It’s where the fights led that was the main issue. A minor issue would lead to me getting really angry which lead to us not talking for hours and me always saying things I never meant even though I always knew that the only thing she ever wanted when that happened was me to apologize and hug her. I was too stubborn.
I also would tell her I would change and get my life together. She was at fault for some things too of course but I honestly feel like I’m the main person at fault. She had held in all her feelings for so long and it finally came to a head. She said we both needed a break to get our lives together.
I know I made a huge mistake but when she broke up with I was drunk for those couple days I begged her to stay and told her I would change. She actually broke up with me on the Friday aftler last and the last time I saw her was last Wednesday to come pick up her things.
After Wednesday I started not messaging her any more but occasionally she’s messaged me asking me how I am. I would reply to be friendly but I’d be vague and just say things like “I’m good” or “That’s good”.
Sometimes I’ve mentioned doing better and using this as a positive experience that we both needed. She still tells me she loves me.
I know the best thing for me right now is to focus on myself but do you think somewhere down the line if I continue to try to not talk to her that there’s a possible relationship in the future if she sees some change? Sorry for the long winded explanation but I thought that it was important.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Randall,

If you really want her back, there’s a good possibility for it to happen since she has already expressed that she still loves you. Right now, the biggest issue was your lack of understanding towards her emotions and control over your own. Work on these issues, and sincerely aim at changing them. Take the time and space you need, but instead of cutting her off completely (which would confuse her and may cause her to move on), let her know that you’re working on changing yourself for the better, and would need some time. Arrange to catch up again in the near future, and slowly work things out from there.

Martin
Martin

I recently have lost my ex wife of 7 years (been together for a 14 year relationship) she just said she was unhappy and wanted me to go. Everything was so out of the blue. It turned out to be the fact she had gone back to her old ex with her ex before me. 10 days after our separation. Whereas she started seeing him after we separated I believe they may of been messaging each each other for a while has he has also recently split with his wife. My problem is this I want her back dearly, and the only to find out who it was was to threaten her to come to her shop. Never to threaten her. but when I did find out she knew I’d flip because she knew it was her ex who had won her back so to speak. (and a man she knows I hate) I went on on crazy rampage. I was at my fiends at the time and thing were really tense between us. And I stormed off destructively. Stupidly. When I calmed down, I realised what I had done and a lot of people were saying ‘what did she expect me to’ or ‘I couldn’t blame you for doin that.’ Have a blown my chances of reconciliation? Or is there still some hope? I hope this is understandable. I know she hates me now but could she understand also why I had acted so stupidly. A love filled hate spree. Thank you for your time and hope I’ve made it clear enough.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

While what you said about going on rampage because of love is somewhat understandable, she may not be able to see things from that point of view. There might be a chance again depending on how meaningful things were back in the 14 years, and her reasoning for suddenly ending things and going back to her ex once more, especially so after being together with you for 14 years. Before you do all these, it’s best to give her time to cool off and for her to let go of negative emotions before you consider anything again. Apply NC for awhile, pick yourself up and make positive changes to your life.

AK
AK

Hi, so i recently broke up with my girlfriend 6 days ago. We had no contact ever since. The thing is, she has met other guys and mentioned that she has found something she wants in life after interacting with them, and that she can “connect” with them. She mentioned that it does not mean that she has someone else in her heart. Nonetheless, she is unsure if she loves me anymore. I am constantly thinking of her, when I’m out, I would subconsciously look out to see if I could spot her by chance. The places would remind me of the good old times we spent together there, the conversations we had, the plans we drafted, the promises we made.
There are multiple thoughts that just kept haunting me. For instance, I would imagine her dating other guys (like the ones she met), which made me feel extremely awful. The nights are especially lonely.
What should I do? I can feel I still love her deeply, but her feelings has changed. My heart and mind are not of the same side. My mind is telling me to move on, but my heart is firmly grasping onto the faint hope that she will come back to me.

P.S. She initially initiated a temporary breakup. But when i set terms of no intimate contact with other people, she firmly rejected. The next day, I am unable to accept this fact that she could “try out” other guys while trying to sort out her feelings, and myself being a backup. Thus, I initiated a clean break.

I am confused, lost and this is really stressing me out. Hope to hear some advice / insights.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

What you feel right now is completely normal. Since it has been only 6 days since the break up, it might be a good idea that you actually apply no contact rule, and focus on picking yourself back up. Your mind may not be at the right place now, and by attempting to pursue her back, you risk pushing her further away. Work on yourself and make those changes, because the fact that she feels that she connects with other guys means there was something lacking in the relationship which you need to figure out, and turn it around if you want to harbor any hopes of getting back together with her once more.

Jennell
Jennell

My bf of several months broke it off 3 days ago and its killing me to not text him. Ever since we met, we talk to each other EVERYDAY, whether it be through text, factetime, call or actually seeing one another. I just want to tell him i miss him. He was the one who told me he loved me first, how im different than other girls hes been with and we talk about our future. Our relationship was great, but we would get into little petty disagreements and arguments. Whenever we get into something, he would shut down and not talk to anyone, basically isolates himself. Even if it wasnt cause of our argument, whenever hes stressed about family, money, school etc. Then when hes ready to talk, we talk about other things and stay positive but never what was bothering him. Thats the only thing that frustrates me was that he never wants to talk about whats bothering him. Other than that, we always had more good times than bad times in our relationship. He treats me like a queen, even calls me queen or princess. We saw each other ALOT though. I think seeing each other too much is what usually causes our little arguments. So the night b4 he broke it off, we did get into a petty argument about what my name was in his phone but after, we became lovey dovey and he went home. The next morning he calls me and ask if he could drop me off at work but i was already headed there in my own car. Few hours later, hes texts me “im done, i need a break, please respect that” so i just say “okay, have a nice life”. It hurts though and its bugging me not to reach out to him. everytime we would get into something, the same night we’ll be back to normal as if we didnt argue… should i just leave him alone for good? I wouldnt mind if we just only texted, i just want him to know how i feel.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It really depends on what you want at the end of the day. Your intentions would determine the actions you should take. If you want to walk away from things, then end all contact and focus on moving on with your life. However, if you want him back again, you should probably go into no contact for awhile to give both parties the needed space to breathe. It’s true that when people see each other daily, there’s a higher likelihood of them subconsciously taking the other for granted, resulting in more arguments and disagreements.

Andy
Andy

My ex and I broke up 1 yr ago, we did long distance for a while and were together for almost 4 years. I’ve made all the 5 deadly mistakes and trying to get her back since a year but no progress, still a chance? and what should be the first step?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As long as she has not blocked you, there’s still a chance. Just follow through with no contact and the changes you should be making, before contacting her again at a later date.

Syaz
Syaz

My ex boyfriend broke it off a few days ago on the phone as it was long distance. When I visited him last month, things were going well but it got heated up in the middle with constant fights due to my sensitivity and temper. It was so heated up to the point that I said “You deserve someone better that me.” (How stupid I was!) The fight also included the fact that he says ‘yes’ to everything just to make me happy when I know he wasn’t happy. I told him it’s okay to say no; it’s okay to not go to that bird park and instead have a stranger things marathon at his apartment.

I thought we had passed it already as Ive sincerely apologized to him and promised that I’d change, but during the phone call breakup a few nights ago, he brought it up back again and told me that I was right, it got him thinking maybe he does need someone better because he couldn’t handle my temper. And he brought up this topic about suddenly missing his ex (Wth?!) Before the phone call, he was suposed to come for new years and I wanted to surprise him with a romantic dinner for two and even hired a party planner as means to say I was genuinely sorry. But I couldn’t make up for it because he didn’t make it back here with him being busy with his thesis.

It’s been a few days after the breakup. He made me feel like a horrible person in and out. I don’t know if the problem was me or him. I am at this point where I feel damaged and would like him to see that I am not a horrible person and that I love him for him.

Syaz

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This is where you should focus on No Contact to figure these things out and to improve yourself in any way you can. If he made you feel like a horrible person, perhaps you don’t need that emotional negativity for the moment as you figure things out.

Lindsay
Lindsay

Hi Kevin
So in my situation, I broke up with my boyfriend after heated fight, I said some very fiery words. The reason was that he became distant somewhat, not texting as much and all. This happened one month ago and of course I apologized profusely for all I said right after the fight. He texted me a little over a week later and it went sour because I asked him what our status was, if we were going to continue dating. His response to me was “at the moment, I don’t think it’s the right time”. I then asked him if it was “over” and he said that he couldn’t do this (the conversation) right now and I haven’t spoken to him since except to say Merry Christmas. So it’s been about 3 weeks now, and he’s the type that takes a long time to figure out his emotions. He also tends to be really good at distracting himself… But what hurts is that I don’t know how he is feeling. He’s had a lot of other stressors in his life the last few months (career, finances, etc) and I think hes had trouble juggling a (long distance) relationship on top of it. It’s put a lot of strain on our relationship. He said not long before our fight that he never stopped loving me and that he will always love and want me. My friends and family have told me exactly what you say, but I’m very stuck on wondering how it “seems” so easy for him not to talk to me for weeks. What should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he’s facing other stressors in his life at the moment, it could very well be that the pain of losing you has not sunk it since he is still distracted with other issues. Give him some time and space, before seeing how things go again. It might look easy for him, but you never know what he’s going through exactly.

John
John

Hi, I was seeing my gf for 16 months. We always had a great time and I was always there for her, supported her and treated her extremely well and spoilt her. After 3 months we did come to a halt but after 10 days everything was back to normal. Fast forward to the present, two months ago she moved away and is now only home at the weekends. We kept in contact everyday and still met up at weekends. After a month she was said she was concerned and things wernt the same. She has now broken up with me. She said she hasnt been happy for a long time and that after we stopped seeing each other the first time we should have left it then. Im worried that when she moved away I may have smothered her at weekends and with calls and texts when she is away. Do you think this relationship can be fixed? She was first to tell me she loved me and always said how good I am to her. We had talked about the future. But then suddenly she ends it. Any help would be appreciated.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would depend if the move she made was permanent or temporary and also on your ability to make changes if necessary. If you were worried that smothering her was what made her unhappy, then you’ll have to work on your security issues. Take some time off to think about this and apply no contact for the time being before making a decision.

Marvy
Marvy

Dear Ryan,

Me and my ex boyfriend dating for almost nine months everything was fine . We text everyday and talked on the phone and I spend the night on the weekends at his place. He ended up the relationship by a letter through text . He said a lot of good things about me but I don’t understand his excuse that their is no eye contact between us ,he said one day I will understand what he meant that you will at the person in the eye and that is the person that will forever love. Are you going to base your relationship by eye contact , after five days I text him and ask him that I want closure but he never reply to me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Sometimes we don’t always get the closure we need, but we should continue to pick ourselves up and move forward. I believe that he either meant the relationship had no more spark in it or he felt that you guys were on different frequencies. Either way, you should proceed with no contact first since he does not want to reply you.

Hanna
Hanna

Hi Kevin
It’s almost about 1 month that I’m following NC rule.My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me because he wanted to focus on his career.Our RS wasn’t a serious one(actually for him).He took care of me and put effort at the start of the RS,later he didn’t.Whenever I complain him about those he couldn’t do(like calling everyday,lack of his commitment),he suggested me to find someone who could invest in me.But he always denied that he didn’t like me.
He had a committed RS before me that didn’t work and he failed in exams becoz of that failing RS.He always says he doesn’t want to repeat the same mistake.For me,he’s my first love.I tried to understand him and held onto him as long as I could.Later when the time to focus on our career came and some arguments broke out,he said he longer wanted to date me.Now it’s about one month of NC and I want to give back a few of his stuff(like memory stick and some books) and my diary and a letter.Should I give him?I just want to know how much I loved him, I understand and accept the breakup as I also need to focus on my career and maybe he would contact me again when he has settled down.He had an intention of marrying me if I could wait for him to be settled(about 5-6 years).Should I send these things?Will it make him feel comfortable about the breakup/think he made the right decision of breaking up with me?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, I always think if a person is truly in love, they would find a way to commit because naturally they would want to spend more time with you and would find ways to balance things out. Giving him his stuff back is fine, as with the letter. Depending on how serious he felt about you, that would determine his reaction. But you should not get your hopes up in the event that he doesn’t reciprocate how you feel towards him.

Hanna
Hanna

Thank you loads for your response.I’ll give a try on what I could do right now as I don’t wanna regret later.Yeah, I don’t actually expect any reaction but want him to know 🙂

jen
jen

Hello Kevin. Thanks for thexample page, feels good to know if might get some strong advice.
I was with my ex for 3 years, we are both 43 and connect easily when things are good. However we do not argue well, he wants constant harmony and cuts me off for days if there is conflict rather than discuss.
We had a miscarriage over the last 2 weeks. I’d been frustrated at a lack of communication about the pregnancy and the loss. I got drunk and aggressive towards him at a friends house.
He is now in Spain where he’s from, I’m in the UK trying not to contact him as I overdid it after he keft
I miss him and our good times. We have a holiday booked in a week.
How can I win him back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There are apparent issues here, the first being that you need to win him back even though it’s understandable to feel upset that he didn’t want to communicate with you over something as important as dealing with the emotions of going through a miscarriage. You should take a moment to consider if this is the person you can trust when things get difficult that he won’t cut you off. Every relationship will have its issues but how you communicate with each other would determine the strength in your relationship.

Laszlo Varga
Laszlo Varga

Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend has broken up with me about a week ago, the reason for our separation was 1 stupid little fight which started off from a small thing but I was under quite a lot of pressure at the time and been stressing quite a lot, therefor I said things which I did not mean but I hurt her with it. She was totally in love with me before (she still says she loves me) and we already planned our future with marriage and kids and suddenly she has locked me out of her life and broke up with me with the reason that she cannot trust me anymore. We have been together over a year and has had some amazing memories together. I would like to get her back as I love her as I have never loved anyone before and I was also her first love. 1month no contact seems a bit long, do you think I could get in touch after a couple of weeks and ask her how she is as I care about her and maybe ask her out for a drink to have a chat?
Appreciate your help thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on the gravity of the situation that caused the breakup. 1 month is set as a benchmark because everyone’s story is different and some may require longer periods of NC. If you feel that a couple of weeks would be enough to get her to warm up to you again, by all means. But I do suggest that you stay honest with yourself and not make excuses to contact her, or you’ll end up contacting her after a few days, which defeats the purpose of NC, since it’s meant to give both parties some space to let go of any negative emotions as well as to make changes to their lives.

G
G

Hi Kevin,

I had a 4 year and 3 months relationship with a guy, we were college sweethearts that time. Year 2012, when he confessed his love for me and he was my 2nd boyfriend.. but i cheated on him with our friend, when we were in our 2nd year. I had sex with our friend (i know cheating is a choice) I didn’t realized how much we love each other because that time, I am the one who keeps the relationship going cause everytime we argue, he walks away from me and never wanted to talk about our fight. I am the one who is needy then. But one time, i made a decision that turns our relationship around, i ignored our fights and never wanted to talk to him that time for him to realize my importance. Since then, he loves me the way i wanted him to love me. Our relationship is so perfect that time (our 3rd and 4th) but then i never wanted to open up the time i have cheated on him.. because we were happy in our relationship.. but one of our friends found out the affair and tell him everything we have done. and my boyfriend broke up with me that time. and i am in my 2nd day of no contact day. do you think i can win him back? 🙁 i’m so depressed right now 🙁 i wanted to say sorry for what ive done 🙁

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you had a meaningful relationship with him, you definitely have a chance of getting him back. Complete your NC first in order to give both parties some space and for him to have some time to process, forgive you and let go of what happened. You’ll have to re-gain his trust if you want him back.

Natalie
Natalie

Hi Kevin,

My boyfriend (of 1 year) and I got into a heated argument over the phone and he hung up on me. The next day was my birthday and he ignored all of my texts/calls and would not tell me if he would even go to my party that night. I was so angry that he refused to communicate with me so I broke up with him over text. It’s been over a week now and I still have not heard back from him. It feels a bit weird to have absolutely no closure since we dated for a year. He is the type of person who takes a really long time to process his emotions.

I want to reach out to him to talk, but not necessarily get back together… what should I do?

Thank you,

Natalie

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since he takes awhile to process his emotions, let him process it first and give him some time before you reach out to him. At least you may be able to get your closure then as opposed to reaching out now and getting into another argument.

Ellen
Ellen

I dated a guy for a little over a month and things were really intense. We both said things like I love you, I’ve never felt like this about anyone, maybe it’s meant to be. Then suddenly he ended it saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didn’t know what he wanted. He was only a few months out of a very long relationship when we met. I asked if I had done anything to make him feel this way and he said no not at all. But of course I’m not sure if that’s the case. He may not even know himself. I did some low level begging in the end and he was the one who cut off contact, but as soon as I realised that I said goodbye and cut off contact as well. He has kept me on Facebook and put up a sad love song which is very out of the ordinary for him. But it’s doing my head in not knowing it this was meant for me or his ex who I had thought he was over. I’m so unsure if it was just a rebound. Can they have love and genuine connections? I can’t find any situations like mine on the website. What do you think my chances are of getting him back? 30 days seems so long considering it was a short relationship. I was so happy on my own before I met him but now my whole world feels empty.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Ellen,

It might a good idea to ask yourself if how you’re feeling right now is based on sound logic. If you were happy on your own before the relationship and one person could get you down like this, do you think it’s worth it? In my opinion, he’s not ready for another serious relationship right now. Whether he’s over his ex or not, I would say that he may be, but it doesn’t mean he’s ready for a relationship. It probably isn’t your fault, but give him some time to figure things out. I know 30 days seems like a long time given the circumstances, but if he’s still not over his ex, there’s no point even if you come back at 2 weeks.

Ellen
Ellen

Thank you for your response. Do you think I should try to make contact after the 30 day period to see if he is ready then or is it better if I just let this one go. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s meant to be even if not right now.

Leah Manders
Leah Manders

Kevin,
My boyfriend and I of almost 4 years ended things last week. We had a beautiful relationship for a very large portion of it. Then he got a job opportunity to move out of state for 8 months for the next 4-5 4 months before we hit our 3 year mark. We somehow got through the long distance the first year and then the second year came. He began to act weird, routine was different and when he visited me we couldn’t share a moment together.. but other than that he seemed normal. Then right before thanksgiving he ended things in tears. I figured we needed a break because I knew I did since I was the only partner putting forth any sort of work. The I am 98.9% sure he cheated on me or atleast hooked up with someone or some people during that time he left the second time. I confronted him and he denied it. We had always been so honest with each other in the past. We spend almost 2 hours on the phone a couple days ago and talked about the situation. He felt that this distance was hurting me too much and taking out of my life. I even tried to tell him that I understood why he’d cheat… living with a group of guys, partying a lot, one of them is single and invites all these girls over to party… i get it. I even asked him whether or not this split was hurting him and he said “every fucking day, just hearing your voice is killing me” …. he even stated “I know Im throwing away gold”.. blah blah
Any insight on what might be going on his head and how to I stop thinking about him. Theres no real chance of getting back together…but how long must it be till I don’t think about him anymore?
I was 18 and he 22 when we started dating again he never really went through a sleep with random girls phase either…
Not justifying his cheating but just understanding it if in fact he still loves me which he claims.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Leah,

There’s really no set time on how long it takes to get over a person, since it varies for everyone. What I do know for certain though, is that the length taken to recover is ultimately dependent on what you do during that time. Whether you’re keeping active, taking on new hobbies, going out with friends; or moping around and filling your thoughts with him. It sounds to me that he’s projecting how he feels unto you and the distance isn’t doing him any favors.

Mike
Mike

Hi Kevin ,my gf broke up with me a month ago even though we’ve been having issues before the break up . Her issues was she can’t trust me and I go out with my friends a lot she think I’m not committed and that she can’t see no progression in our relationship . She morn about this a lot and I ignored her . She eventually broke up with me for this reasons. I found out She stalked on the Facebook page Of the club I usually go that was when she messaged me and asked she could see I’m having fun and I’ve moved on now . Tried to explained but she wasn’t having it . She’s blocked me everywhere now and I haven’t spoken to her for a week. I think I love this girl is there a chance of us getting back together I want to make the relationship work this time . She used to really love me and she’s very insecure . Help pls

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since she has blocked you and is an insecure person, it might be a good idea to give her some space right now to calm down. She might be feeling agitated and insecure again over the fact that you went to a club. Drop her an assurance text that you would like to make things work and would wait for her to come around. If she does agree at a second shot, in the future to assure her, why not bring her along with you when you go out to let her have more confidence that you aren’t up to no good. You could use this article for reference on how to win her back.

Aziza
Aziza

Hi Kevin,

I have been in a relationship for 1yr 6 months n i decided to end it last month. The reason for that is coz he stopped being how he used to be. He can stay quiet for more than a week and blame it all on his work. According to my friends a guy who truly loves you will do anything to talk to you everyday, why is he behaving like we are strangers??? I decided enough was enough and ended it but he just said ok. We work together and every time i see him am reminded of the days we used to be serious about each other. I want what we had before and i want him to love me just the way he used to before. I love him for all that he is and who i am when am with him. Am now in day 7 in the no contact but am afraid he will not be into me. Please help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Sometimes it’s hard to get back into a familiar stage of the past that we longed for, because people change over time. If you want something back to how it was in the past, you have to understand why it changed in the first place. Why did he start acting like a stranger towards you all of a sudden? Why did he stop caring? It could be that he started taking you for granted or it could be like how your friends said. If it is the latter, I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself by holding on to the relationship.

Aziza
Aziza

Kevin,

We have a joint savings account for a business idea we wanted to establish as a long term income. When i asked him why he stopped caring, his comment was that he cant serve 2 masters at one time that being a relationship and a business. Is that a way of saying am not interested in us??? When it comes to him am abit confused on his agenda since at one time he sounds interested and the next we have a barrier in between. Please advise me if am doing the right thing by wanting him.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There’s nothing wrong about wanting him, but it does sound as though he has his priorities set, which is work first and relationship second (only if there’s time). It could have been a sudden realization or something that he’s been thinking about but just never told you until now. You have to bear that in mind if you still want him back.

Aziza
Aziza

Hi Ryan,

Just wanted to update u on whats going on. So today is my last day in no contact n am feeling abit anxious about contacting him again. During the no contact period he’s been trying to talk to me or brush past me at work byt i kept ignoring. Now he is as quiet as i am but he keeps checking my whatsapp statud from time to time. I have been thinkin if getting back with him is the right choice since hz taken me for granted that i will always be there for him.
Every time i think of how to reach out to him i get nervous and afraid of th
E outcome. Am thinking of going another month of no contact. Please help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You would know yourself better than anyone else. Sometimes after the NC period, we start to see things clearer and that we may not be able to fully accept our ex for who they are, so it might be better to walk away. However if you feel that you’re willing to go through anything to make the relationship work, then reach out to him.

Aziza
Aziza

Hi again,

I like being frank with some1 about how i feel so i reached out not as coyly as what is written in the internet but just asked right to the point n this is what he replied

“I x u to gv me tYm i sort out my thingZ cz im under alot of Pressure bt u neVa wantd to Listen… wateVa u wanted is wat u want to get nd dats y i let it go…
Cz i gt alot in my Head il b High most of da TyM nd dat y i need to b alone i dnt wanna Hurt any1 bt u neVa wantd tooo hear me out”

He doesnt understand that being in a relationship you go through every hardship n joy together. Its better together than apart since we are in a relationship. So i have decided to stop giving myself heartache over a guy who doesnt get the true meaning of being in a relationship. I am better off concentrating on making myself happy n maybe some day i will get the guy who appreciates someone being there for them in good n bad times.

Thank you for giving me the guidance but i just quit and let go.

Victor
Victor

I just spoke with my ex girlfriend after ten years last night .but I was thinking of sending her a text the next day to let her know it was nice to hear from her ,she is going through a rough time also just curious??

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It may be a nice gesture to drop her a text just to check in if you say she is going through a rough time.

Li
Li

So my girlfriend broke up with me because she says i get mad over little stuff, over react and spend too much time complaining and overreacting. I love her that much and i obviously want her back. But the thing is, we’re in the same college, hostel, church and organization(a club).. Its totally difficult for me to do no contact. She still contacts me anyway but no amount of words have been able to change her mind. What should i do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi there,

I suggest reading up on this article to understand on how to deal with an ex if you have to see her constantly. If you can’t convince her now, it would be better to apply the no contact rule first before talking to her again since the negative memories of breaking up are still fresh right now.

Tone
Tone

No contact is a bunch of bullshit…the longer you go non contact the less chance youll have at getting her back…distance doesnt break relatonships but silence sure as fuck does. If youre going no contact, be ready to accept that you will never see your ex again and you will eventually move on. Its fucked up how one minute youre together for 10 years everysingle day and the next ninute youre just like when you first met, 2 strangers. Life is fucked !!!

Tabu
Tabu

Hi, I’ve Already Made “The 5 deadly Mistakes”. Is there any chance your suggested plan is going to work? As she has already adamantly told me she might get into another relationship but never with me again, I’m wasting my time over her. She talks to me but with repeated disclaimer that nothing is going to work. Yes I’ve done all the 5 deadly mistakes you mentioned, is there any chance things to improve? I’m very low these days, please help me out.

Grace
Grace

Hi, my ex and I broke up last June 4. We’ve been together for 10 years and he proposed to me last year. He said his letting me go and his tired of our relationship. i’ve been too dependent on him. I want him back ☹️ Last contact with June 28 after that I never text or message him again.

Brett
Brett

My ex recently broke up with me out of the blue. She feels that her life is really hectic right now and doesn’t have time for a relationship. Plus she didn’t like the fact our relationship was long distance. Do I have a chance of getting her back?

Chisom
Chisom

I broke up with my boyfriend because he is controlling and he doesn’t treat me rite he said he doesn’t have to talk to me everytime he can go weeks without talking to me he hardly gives me attention when i broke up with him he just said okay bye that all he said i want him back

Ashraf
Ashraf

Hi Kevin
My ex brokeup with me a month ago. This happened because he cheated me on and I knew about it. He told me that we cannot move because I will not trust him anymore (for me this is not true) but I guess it was an excuse. We had been together for alomst 5 months and we really loved each other. We rented an apartment and used to sleep and have our breakfast, lunch, and dinner together everyday. I’m really confused and cannot believe it happened. I haven’t conacted or met him for almost a month in spite of having our apartment. We are gays btw. Are there any advice?

daisy
daisy

Brilliant advice!!! Thank you !

daniel
daniel

Kevin. Ive been here 2yrs ago. Im so good now and i want to thank you. I neverr hafd a relationship because i never want to. I had a lot of flings. Now i need your help again. My ex from 2yrs ago and i talked. We had a chance to have a closure and talk good again. She admitted that she sometimes thinks of me about what ifs and if something happens she thinks about me too. Now after our recent talk shes becoming a bit of clingy she started to initiate communications and messaging me. Now im not saying i want her back. I just want to hold the power between us this time coz i messefd it up before. What should i do? I dont reply to all her messages coz im thinking she cant have me 100% just by being a friend.
If she want me then tell me. I just want your help again just like 2yrs ago. Thabk you!

Marc
Marc

What do you say about the counter arguement about NC being the worse thing you could do, I’ve been reading it’s the best advice to move on for yourself and not necessarily getting your ex back. The amount of stories people wished they picked up the phone but stuck with the NC advice is a bit depressing. I am mainly referring to this article: [link removed]

I was reading her replies the comments so was just curious whats your thoughts on this? I would love the read the negatives of no contact, the how it can actually do more damage if applied wrong, i agree there should be space and I agree if you contact a female it just seems to turn them off more..but which advice is correct…what is the correct approach, so much information out there that may be applied wrong.

Richard
Richard

Ja, follow what Kevin has provided. Its not easy, in fact its hard to deal with, but the mans right…better yourself and love yourself first…how can you love another when there’s no love for you??..

Richard
Richard

Thank you Kevin, and everybody else for sharing their experiences, its set me on the right track to better myself and love myself. I pray that everyone else that reads what this kind man and people have shared helps them through the rough time of loosing your one. Love and respect.

JA
JA
Hi kevin. Same name with my ex! Haha Anyway my boyfriend and i had this simple argument that gets chaotic because of my pride and he didnt get my point. Next morning i received a text saying he think we need to breakup. Our relationship is dead and that he needs to find himself. I said Okay lets be friends for awhile. He texted me that ‘ok take care”, the another msg, “it really has no effect on you huh. smile emoticon.” i dont reply. he goes single on fb. and shared the news as fast as a wind to his friends! 3rd day. I made no contact. 4th day. he reached out. I dont reply. 5th day, sept5. i texted him that night! I said my decision to agree with the breakup was just ryt because of wat i found out. I was angry! I discovered something that truly hurts me. he never told me about an incident wayback in our first yr of rel. he texted me what did i found out! I told him. Then we exchanged texts. Then He told me the reason why he broke up. (He also pointed out that his the one who broke up!) That i dont meet his friends, i dont text regularly, that he waited for us to make love again. Etc etc. in return i also told him his downpoints. At the end he asked me if i want to fixed things ,he called me even. Just to found out his drunk. I told him ill tell him the answer the next day. His persuasive. He want an answer ryt away. That when i end call it means its totally over. Im just not ready for the answer yet. So i hang up and texted that pls we need to think about it. Im also confused that time. 6th. Then the next day came, i told him we need to meet to talk things out. He said no need he already has his decision. He already think about it last nyt (How? His drunk ryt!). That was to end our lovestory. I was shocked.i asked if he dont love me anymore. If theres no chance of fixing things together. He said he’s confused. Sometimes he thinks he love me sometimes not. That if we end up again together he has changed into a brave man in a sense that he wont lower his pride again (Cause he always lower his pride for me to fix things for us). i got scared but im ready to have him still. I told myself this is my fault. I haven’t made him feel special. But thats what he made me feel also… Read more »
Kim
Kim

My boyfriend is 18 and I’m 20 years old. In our relationship our parents weren’t accepting us as each other’s partners. With the matter of time this thing kept disturbing my partner n he got uncomfortable with our relationship. He broke up a month ago giving me these reasons. I tried convincing him but he didn’t seem to get convinced. I want him back, and these days he have chose not to reply any of my texts. Although I’m following this NC rule since 4days. Do you think there’s any chance that I will get him back and I should continue with NC rule? ( to add- we were bestfriends before we start dating n we really had great times when we were dating)

Brian
Brian

Hi.
My ex fiancé left 12 days ago and gave her ring back. We have a two year old daughter also.
I’ve made evet mistake you mention in this article but it doesn’t mention how to handle it when there are kids involved.
We have to see each other and have spend a few afternoons together. She says she doesn’t want our daughter to see us not together or hating each other.
How do I get control or power back when I’ve made the mistakes already and she wants to spend time together as a family for our daughter. Also she still says she might want to work on things but not now and she’s not sure or maybe or we’ll see about trying again. Thanks.

confusedbutok
confusedbutok

I contacted my ex after 30 days started with a casual text about the weather and slowly got her to let her defenses down. All seemed well.

Then she started talking about her father and how no one cares about her and how I wasn’t any different. Of course it led me to slightly mention how in the relationship it may have seemed that way but it wasn’t the truth.

Then she mentions she’s seeing someone who makes her very happy and I replied “lol” she got mad and asked how that’s funny and I said “it’s just funny how someone you just met can make you very happy but all power to it”

She then flipped! She told me to go f*ck myself and to delete her number and never text her or she’ll block me and that I used her (which I never did)

I replied with what? You really thought I used you? That’s insane. And she never replied.

Is all hope gone? 🙁

confusedbutok
confusedbutok

She told me to stop texting her or she’ll block me. Some friends say I should apologize but others say to leave her alone.

I know I was jerky in my replies but I felt she was trying to prove she’s happy without me and I wasn’t buying it. What should I try saying after another month of NC?

confusedbutok
confusedbutok

Thank you! Should I send the email now or after two weeks?

I had something written I was planning to send but didn’t know when. It’d be something like this:

Hey remember when we’d have those mini dance parties in your car? (One of our favorite artists) was on the radio and it made me think about how fun that was. I feel bad about how our last conversation ended, you’re important to me and I hope all is well and we can be friends one day.

Should I add more? Could you re-write it for me? I’d appreciate it greatly as I’m getting so much conflicting advice on what to do/say from people

Karen
Karen

Thank you Kevin,

He has been trying to make moves but I have been rejecting him. Right now, I have been communicating with other men and somewhat dating so I’m exploring options at this point. However, the love is still there for my ex but I’ve decided to not really spend any time with him right now. I just communicate with him through text when I can. I’m not jumping back into that situation at this point. I will let time run it’s course because like you said, if he is not willing to put in the effort, I’m not trying to deal with him.

Karen
Karen

Hi Kevin,

I just wanted to give you a minor update. So it’s been basically 30 days and I have not contacted him, no more than about the belongings. I did accidentally send a group text with him included on Christmas and he responded “Merry Christmas Karen!” but that was it. He has prolonged the situation about returning our belongings so I haven’t even pushed it. Not sure why he is prolonging when we stay in the same city but I thought it was kind of weird. I can say that the 30 days with NC has helped me even though I still think about him everyday but I have begin to do some different things for myself. Also, I found it weird that I’ve been getting restricted calls here and there. One was about two weeks ago around the time he gets off work so I thought that it was strange. I also received another restricted call a couple of days ago really early in the morning. I never get restricted calls so it’s puzzling.

karen
karen

Hi Kevin, so he brought my belongings back and when he came, he looked so uncomfortable, quiet, and uneasy. Not a lot of eye contact but I was happy and acted like nothing ever happened. I couldn’t help but feel good and laugh on the inside as I watched him look weird. I redecorated my apartment so he hadn’t seen it so he was trying to ask a few questions about that. He also was trying to ask a few questions about different things but I never gave him any direct answers. He wanted to know if I visited my aunt’s house for Christmas because he didn’t see my car when he drove by. I actually made some changes to my physical appearance too. He told me that he had ordered me a Christmas gift but it hadn’t arrived yet. There was no conversation about us. I strictly kept it brief but he just looked so uncomfortable but I didn’t give in to that. He texted me wishing me a Happy New Year but I waited for about 45 mins before I texted back the same thing.

Karen
Karen

Hi Kevin,

So he started texting me more and more basically trying to see whether or not I had moved on but I would always avoid his questions. He finally bought my Christmas gift over and apologized for everything that he did. He said that I didn’t deserve it and the reason it took so long for him to apologize was because he didn’t know how to approach me. He said that that was part of the reason he bought the gift as a start and then move into a verbal conversation. He said that he knew that he had to face me but just didn’t know when or how. I told him that I forgave him but we can be friends. He hasn’t really said anything about a relationship but he’s been texting me that he misses me and asking if I miss him but I find a way to change the subject. He said that he loves me and always will and I say ok. He wants to know if I have a boyfriend or not but I say that I have friends but that’s it. He admitted to cheating and even spoke a little about the other girl. I didn’t really ask him any questions. I just acted happy as I normally would like nothing had happened. So, now I’m trying to figure out what angle is he going from here. He’s been texting me but it’s been friendly things but sometimes he will say something like he misses me or on his birthday he said that he wanted to go to a certain restaurant. I just respond and say something like “oh ok” or “i know you love their food and I hope you enjoy your birthday”. We used to act really silly and joke with each other a lot so that’s what we’ve been doing lately and I try to keep it like that. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I did the no contact for 30 days but I still want to take things very slow but not sure what to do at the moment. Can you shoot me some tips?

Karen
Karen

Hi Kevin,

I found out eleven days ago that my bf of 1.5 years had been cheating on me. He denied it over and over again saying that they were just friends but I know that it’s true. I was hurt and angry but he still denied it to the end. He text’d me that same night still denying but I never responded because I was so angry. I realized six days later that he still has the key to my home so I text’d him and told him but he never responded and still hasn’t. I haven’t contacted him since and I’m not going to. Over these eleven days I thought back on how lenient and nice I was to him and he probably thought in his head that I would always be there and that he still has me no matter what. I can’t believe that I haven’t heard from him because we were also close friends and we never really discussed the situation because he was at work when this all took place. I almost feel that he thinks that he’s on my mind so that’s why he’s acting this way or maybe he’s moved on with this other girl that he met 5 mos ago. I did notice during our relationship that he became distant the past 3 mos but he was telling me that he was trying to get some things together so I didn’t push the issue. When ever we are together, we get along extremely well so I didn’t notice any changes in his attitude. I just want to know why now since that he has been caught that he just doesn’t admit it but not hearing from him is driving me crazy. I really do love and miss him. Please help!!

Karen
Karen

Thanks Kevin,

What do I do if he tries to contact me? I feel like that is going to happen but because everything was so heated at the time, he’s trying to let everything cool down. He also has a few things at my place as well.

Karen
Karen

Hi Kevin,

I just wanted to give u an update. He offered to return my belongings but said that he could do it next week. We live in the same city so I didn’t understand why he couldn’t do it this week but I didn’t ask. I actually told him to meet me the week after because I felt like he was trying to control that situation by saying that he could do it next week. That’s all the conversation consisted of but I wanted to text him back so bad and ask him why didn’t he apologize but I didn’t. I just brushed it off but it was difficult.

Calista
Calista

Hi Kevin,

May i know if the period when my husband is out of town also count into the no contact period? or only when he starts to look for me which counts as the start of the no contact.

I am starting no contact since a few days ago when he is out of town. so, it is more like i cannot contact him rather than a no-contact.

Please advise. Thanks.

Trent
Trent

Hi Kevin I made a comment here and was hoping you could help me but I couldn’t seem to find it. I badly need to check your response for that one. Thanks.

calista
calista

Dear Kevin,

I tried to implement NC starting 22 Nov. My husband and I have a child.
When he called me when to meet up, I still responded to me and met up for
family outings. When I saw him, I tried to treat him as my child’s dad
only, but I still show my affection when the atmosphere was relax.
Compared to my previous pestering behaviour, I performed well on Saturday.

On Sunday morning, I received a message from him out of the blue telling
me that he is going on a short trip with his parent. Then he went and
switched off his mobile. I was left with shock and triggered my nerve. I
felt disrespect and he still treat me as a friend. I suppose I couldn’t
accept that my position in his heart has changed from a wife to something
less. So I have expectations on him. When it is not met, I will be
disappointed.

My counselor said that my husband’s heart to me has died given his
indifference response. I really want to get him back and let him pursue
me. What should I do? Should I not let him see me and our child together
so that I have a complete NC? We have seperated for two years, and I may
have messed things several times. Do I still have a chance and keep on
doing the NC until I successfully implemented it?

Calista
Calista

Kevin,

Oh dear, it is disappointing to hear that. I am still hopeful about the recociliation. I thought after two years, he still hasn’t walked out of the relationship and staying in touch with me. No?

Anyway, I don’t plan to remarry and date again regardless of my marriage status. Once i am married and made my vows, I plan to be with the same person.

Calista
Calista

Dear Kevin,

Our formal two years seperation will be due in end of January 2015. by then, my husband is free to submit the divorce papers by himself should he still wish to proceed with it. At one point in time, he told me he hasn’t decided and thought of divorce yet.

The reason why my husband left me is because i didn’t do my responsibility as a wife n didn’t live with him since our marriage. He used to love me a lot, then his endurance to this drop to a point he decided to quit.

When he first told me about the seperation, he cried about it and asked me if i need his help, call him. since then, we stay in touch daily. but during this process, i keep pestering him which have made things worse. I didn’t give him the chance to miss me. I thought i need to plant some good memories in his mind before i pull away from him. He sent me gifts on my birthday and mother’s day.

I have never implemented the NC rule. this is my last shot n final resort. whenever i see him, i can’t help but to open up my feelings. I have to stop seeing and talking to him. I need to try my best to remove myself from his life and vice versa. If i have to tell him anything about our child, i will keep it via message but i won’t go out with him together with our child because i will open up opportunity for myself to fail. NC is my last resort before the divorce comes. From now till end of January, i will try disappear from him. i will see how he responds and if he pushes forward. Is my strategy right?

calista
calista

Kevin,

I have tried to implement the no contact rule for one day n then failed miserably. i didn’t answer my husband’s calls yesterday and then he skipped to attend a nursery interview with me and our child. today, i have been calling him the whole day and he didn’t return my call. what should i do?

calista
calista

My husband initiated a seperation with me nearly two years ago (jan 2013). I have been trying to reconcile with him, but with not much success. Having said so, our relationship has improved but not to a point that he wants to return to me yet. I have been acting needy from time to time.

Ever since the seperation, I had wanted to apply the no contact rule but never have the guts to commit to it. We have a child together. I am so scared of losing him.

But after so long and being frustrated to see his response, i decide i must give this no contact rule a try as my last resort.

My question is would it be too late if i apply no contact now, after two years of seperation?

calista
calista

My ultimate aim to apply no-contact is to have him willing to reconcile with me. after i implement the no contact, do i just follow the 5 steps plan?

Raul
Raul

Hello kevin, please answer, i’ve trying the “no contact rule” for about a week now, my question is, what if my ex contacts me? Like through whatsapp or something? Should I totally ignore everything? Wouldn’t it be considered childish from my side? I mean, cause people know when you already read a whatsapp message, my real question for you its as to how to react to this attempts of contact?
Thanks.

Abduraghman
Abduraghman

Hi Kevin. My Girlfriend broke up with me after 7 years together and we were engaged for a 1 and month now. She broke the engagement also. She doesn’t feel about me like before. She say I am obsessed with her and immature. I really love her and will do anything to get her back. She blocked me on Watsapp Sunday night. But then yesterday morning she unblocked me again. She doesn’t want me to come the house anymore either and wants nothing from me. She has someone new in her life which she see, he was there by the house to meet the her granny also. She is turning 31 at the end of the year and he is only 20 years old.

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