As you can read in the guide to get your ex back and my guide to get your ex girlfriend back, I recommend that you stay at least 30 days without contacting your ex. In this article, I am going to go on to explain some of the reasons why it’s highly recommended for you to for so long.

Reason 1: You and Your Relationship

addiction to an exDid you know that breakup pain is associated with the same part of your brain as drug addiction?

You know how some people say they are addicted to their significant other? Well, in reality, this addiction is very real. And the best way to handle any addiction is to stay away from the drug.

I know that you want your ex back and you see no point in staying away from them when all you want is to end up in their arms. But, do you really think it’s the healthiest choice for you? Let’s just say you were addicted to heroin. And suddenly there was no where you can buy heroin. Would you use this as an opportunity to quit your addiction or would you travel to a different country just so you could satisfy your addiction?

You have to be sure whether or not you love your ex or you are just addicted to them before you get back together. There is no point in going back to an unhealthy addiction when it’s no longer in your life.

How do you determine whether you want to get back together for the right reasons? Here are a few points to help you go through.

  1. Remember the relationship with your ex. Remember the time you spent together. Whenever you were together, did you feel great about yourself or did you feel insecure about yourself? If you felt insecure whenever you were with your ex, you are probably just addicted to him/her. On the other hand, if your ex made you feel secure, happy, and confident about yourself, then there is a chance that he/she might be worth getting back.
  2. Do you just hate being alone? Does waking up alone in the morning makes you feel horrible about yourself? Do seeing other couples make you wish your ex was here with you at this moment? If so, then chances are, you are just addicted to being in a relationship. There is nothing special about your ex that makes you want to get back with them.
  3. Do you think about your ex all the time, completely ignoring your life goals, your career, your health, and your sleep? If so, then you are just suffering from grief. It’s a completely normal reaction to a breakup. You feel like you are in chaos and the only thing that will bring you back to your normal life is your ex. In reality, your ex is the reason that you are in this chaos. It’s very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal symptoms after quitting. They feel like the only thing that can help them feel better is heroin. In reality, it’s the heroin that’s made them feel this way in the first place.

Reason 2: Your Mental Health

As we established before, you are not very capable of making huge life decisions after a breakup. And your relationships with your ex might not be as great as you thought it was. However, even if your relationship with your ex was great and getting back with them is in fact a great idea, you still need to take some time off to get back together.

are you insecure or are you confident

When someone looks at you, do they see a confident person, or a needy one?

The person who just got dumped by the love of their life, usually becomes needy and desperate. It’s not their fault really, it’s everyone’s gut feeling to act this way. Every action they take and every word that comes out of their mouth reeks of neediness and insecurity from a mile away.

As I explained in the guide on how to get your ex back, this neediness is extremely unattractive. Your ex probably already have a lot of reasons to not be with you (perhaps neediness and insecurity was one of them), and if you show them the needy, insecure, desperate side of you, they will be even more repulsed.

Now, I can tell you to just not act needy and desperate, but the truth is, if you feel insecure and miserable inside, you will show it on the outside. You can control your actions with great effort, but your face and your voice will give you away. And your ex will understand that it’s all an act.

If you take 30 days off to work on yourself and become a happy person, you will actually become a lot more confident and secure about yourself. And just as before, you will show confidence and happiness from your face that your ex will immediately notice.

Reason 3: Your Ex and Your Post Breakup Relationship Dynamics

If you are reading this, chances are your ex broke up with you. Even if you broke up with your ex, you wanted to get back together but your ex rejected you. In either case, your ex is the one who has all the power in the post breakup relationship. They are the one who left you and you are the one who is miserable without them. You are the one who would do anything to get back with them.

If you wanted to get over the breakup and move on, I would have told you to not care about the post breakup relationship and just move on with your life. But since you want to get your ex back, you have to not only care about it, but also control it.

If you tried to call your ex, text them, beg, plead, or anything that shows how desperate and needy you are without them, then your ex controls this post breakup relationship. However, by just stopping contact with them, you instantly regain control. When you don’t call your ex, they start to wonder why you are not contacting them. The more time you stay away from them, the more they start thinking about you.

In most cases, your ex is almost as miserable after the breakup as you. It’s just that your needy actions make them feel like they are in control of this relationship. It makes them feel like they can have you whenever they want. It makes them feel like they have all the power. Even though they are hurt from the breakup, the fact that a person so desperately wants to be with them gives them a huge ego boost. And that makes it a little bit easier for them to deal with the breakup.

If you take away that ego boost from them, then you are leveling the playing field. In fact, you gain the upper hand because if you stop contacting your ex, chances are they will contact you soon. And when they do, YOU DON’T PICK UP THEIR CALL. This might infuriate them, but it will also break their ego. It will also make them realize how much miserable they are without you.

Now, I don’t advocate playing power games when you are in a relationship. But this is not a relationship, it’s the post breakup relationship. And having power in this relationship is important if you want to get your ex back. Because the more power you have, the more attractive you are to your ex.

However, when you do get back together, I recommend you have a relationship based on honesty and understanding, instead of trying to control the relationship. Because only a relationship that is based on honesty and understanding can stand the test of time.

 

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413 comments ...add one

  • Ben

    Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years, but recently we have broken up, it was either me or her that would have had to move out since we lived together, I screwed up a few things with not being open with her and was not financially stable with my savings so she could not see any future which she has said.
    During our break up which lasted two months, she started not comming home and stayed at her friends, as I tried to get closer to her it got worse but she did keep mentioning about breaking up. At some point I got emotionally unstable and over reacted, that drove her even more away, this lasted almost two months. She said if I keeper pushing her and not give her space she will eventually hate me. From past few weeks our relationship has slightly improved, but she does t really have much to talk least she’s replying my messages.

    During our relationship she always wanted to get married and have children with me, but now I’m trying to do everything what she has wanted but she’s said that everything is to late. I just purchased her a engagement ring as a last ditch and have no idea if I should go ahead with it, because of her hints that she still wants it, it’s very consfusing, should I wait little longer, or what?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You shouldn't jump into things and propose in a desperate attempt to win her back. Think it through, and win her back with your sincerity first before considering anything further or the proposal would hold no meaning. Give her the space she needs and slowly prove to her with your actions that you're capable of change. If she truly loves you, she will see the change in you and there's a high likelihood of her coming back. But you shouldn't push her or pressure her now, or you WILL push her away. Take things slowly and as mentioned, win her back with your sincerity as opposed to desperation.

      Reply
  • Lilac

    Hi.
    I broke up with my girl friend 3 weeks ago.
    We are still in to talking terms though very minimal.
    i did a closure email sometimes back outlining all my failing and apologising and i asked to me another chance in future when she is ready.I have not received a reply to my email.
    I want to request for a valentine casual date.Please advise me on how i should go about it.Thank you. Lilac

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could break some ice with her first, and if you're both on friendly terms, you could proceed further to ask if she has any plans made for Valentine's, and joke about the two of you getting together for old time's sake.

      Reply
  • Danijela

    Hello.. so, my ex and i were together over 3 years. In the end,we have lots fight,but i loved him and i know That he loved me. After 4 weeks since break up and no contact,i send him text ... So we meet after 5 days,have short conversation, i came for some stuff That i left in his house. After That i send him text That it was Nice to see him,and That i would Like to to on some coffee With him .His respond was something Like this"yes,it was short conversation and litlle weird, for me,you know That i do not like some big talks but yes for coffee . We will be im touch. " That was a week ago. I went through all process,and think That i made some good changes. So,my question is...why he dont call me for That coffee? Was je lying about it? I need some advice...what to do? What to think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may either be difficult on his part to take the first step, because of his pride, or that he isn't serious about meeting for coffee. Either way, you could always wait a couple more days and ask him out for coffee yourself if he doesn't initiate.

      Reply
  • Justin

    Hello, my ex broke up with me 5 days ago and I'm completely confused on what to do. We were together for almost 8 months, a few fights here and there which was never anything major in my eyes but to her it was. She's in school full time, had to move back in with her mom who is a huge stress in her life and also is managing to take care of her daughter who is 1 1/2 years. Our break up was really weird because she claimed she didn't love me anymore and that she was unhappy which just didn't make sense because a week prior she was fine and being all lovey dovey. She came to my house to give me back my key and take her Xbox and other things and while she was there we talked, she let me hug her cuddle her crack jokes and laugh but she was very firm in her decision to being done. She even told me she loves me, but she was forcing herself to also say she's done and doesn't love me. It was very contradicting and confusing to me. She ended up skipping class so we could talk and she explained to me that she is week. She failed two classes during our relationship and she is hiding it from her mother. So she was also pretty upset that she skipped class to talk to me. After she left we texted each other all night I would say I miss her and she would say I'm sorry. The next day she texted me and told me she still hasn't changed her mind. I called her and called her out on the fact that I felt like she was just lying and forcing herself to say she doesn't love me. I really feel like she does and she's just scared because when she's in a relationship she has a hard time balancing the relationship with priorities. So it's been 4 days of no contact and I can't stop thinking about her and missing her. I tried texting her hi and she just won't respond. I don't know what to do as for how much time is enough time before we could maybe talk again. One of the last things she said to me was for to give her time... I just feel like she has to be feeling the same as me right now about missing each other and talking to each other. I was literally the only person in her life that she would talk to about everything. All my friends say she will probably try contacting me in a week but part of me thinks that her stubbornness will not.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you should ask yourself why you're going through no contact in the first place. You have to understand that the whole point of no contact is to give both parties time and space (for whatever reasons) to let go of any negative emotions they have. She definitely still has feelings for you but is facing tons of stress from other aspects in her life and you should try to respect her decision of wanting space. By pushing her and pressuring her to talk to you or get back together right now, you're only going to push her further away since she may start to feel annoyed or fed up at the fact that you won't respect her decisions. Continue with no contact for a month to also allow yourself time to heal from any pain you may feel and to create a better version of yourself so that you'll be able to support her in the future.

      Reply
  • Yoyo

    Hi~ So i broke up with my ex 5 months ago after being together for a bit more than a year... coz back then i didn't feel i love him (i liked him, but not love)... He loved me very much and he was very hurt and confused. During these few months, we had a few mutual friends events, then a month and half of NC.
    I've been thinking about him and if i pulled the trigger too early too fast?? I reached out to him last Dec and was hoping to have a chat but he wanted to have closure and some time apart. We bumped into each other accidentally at another event not long ago, after a month and half NC... and we managed to talk n clear up a few things.
    I finally decided to have a conversation of the possibility of getting back together but he said he was ready to move on, and now is very confused and unsure that i'm serious of getting back. He said he really likes me and can see us going out for dates and see how things go.. but not getting back right away! When i asked him if he wants to go out dates, he said it's too soon for him and he's not ready! he needs more time to think!
    I'm confused! i thought he loved me and wanted things to work?? Shall i give him more time or just move on??
    thanks for any advice! :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you're really serious about him, I suggest giving him a little more time, but not cutting off contact entirely. You could always stay in touch through texts or social media, and when he's ready to go out, take things slow, and go for several dates before seeing how things progress. He's not sure if you're serious about him or not, which is why he is confused. Also, the fact that he doesn't feel ready to meet you yet means you must have hurt him when you ended things last time.

      Reply
    • Yoyo

      Thanks Ryan! so i should reach out and txt him to say hiii n how things are going? or i should ask him out again for dates? i know i hurt him a lot... at the moment i'm just not sure if he just wanna be left along and do this thinking and i should just let him be... it has been a week since i asked for getting back. I did call him last Sunday and asked him to go on dates and he said it's too soon for him to meet. :(

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Take things slow, and just start by breaking ice and being friendly with him. Don't ask him out so soon unless the response you get from him is extremely positive.

      Reply
  • Randall

    Hello, my girlfriend of nearly 3 years just recently broke up with me. We both had a few very short and insignificant relationships before meeting eachother. We were the first people in eachother's life to show eachother what love was.
    We got along really well and had a great time together but we would fight all the time. We would mostly fight about misunderstandings or some dumb thing I would say. Our fights would start for such dumb reasons that I honestly have a hard time remembering how most of them started.
    It's where the fights led that was the main issue. A minor issue would lead to me getting really angry which lead to us not talking for hours and me always saying things I never meant even though I always knew that the only thing she ever wanted when that happened was me to apologize and hug her. I was too stubborn.
    I also would tell her I would change and get my life together. She was at fault for some things too of course but I honestly feel like I'm the main person at fault. She had held in all her feelings for so long and it finally came to a head. She said we both needed a break to get our lives together.
    I know I made a huge mistake but when she broke up with I was drunk for those couple days I begged her to stay and told her I would change. She actually broke up with me on the Friday aftler last and the last time I saw her was last Wednesday to come pick up her things.
    After Wednesday I started not messaging her any more but occasionally she's messaged me asking me how I am. I would reply to be friendly but I'd be vague and just say things like "I'm good" or "That's good".
    Sometimes I've mentioned doing better and using this as a positive experience that we both needed. She still tells me she loves me.
    I know the best thing for me right now is to focus on myself but do you think somewhere down the line if I continue to try to not talk to her that there's a possible relationship in the future if she sees some change? Sorry for the long winded explanation but I thought that it was important.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Randall,

      If you really want her back, there's a good possibility for it to happen since she has already expressed that she still loves you. Right now, the biggest issue was your lack of understanding towards her emotions and control over your own. Work on these issues, and sincerely aim at changing them. Take the time and space you need, but instead of cutting her off completely (which would confuse her and may cause her to move on), let her know that you're working on changing yourself for the better, and would need some time. Arrange to catch up again in the near future, and slowly work things out from there.

      Reply
  • Martin

    I recently have lost my ex wife of 7 years (been together for a 14 year relationship) she just said she was unhappy and wanted me to go. Everything was so out of the blue. It turned out to be the fact she had gone back to her old ex with her ex before me. 10 days after our separation. Whereas she started seeing him after we separated I believe they may of been messaging each each other for a while has he has also recently split with his wife. My problem is this I want her back dearly, and the only to find out who it was was to threaten her to come to her shop. Never to threaten her. but when I did find out she knew I’d flip because she knew it was her ex who had won her back so to speak. (and a man she knows I hate) I went on on crazy rampage. I was at my fiends at the time and thing were really tense between us. And I stormed off destructively. Stupidly. When I calmed down, I realised what I had done and a lot of people were saying ‘what did she expect me to’ or ‘I couldn’t blame you for doin that.’ Have a blown my chances of reconciliation? Or is there still some hope? I hope this is understandable. I know she hates me now but could she understand also why I had acted so stupidly. A love filled hate spree. Thank you for your time and hope I’ve made it clear enough.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      While what you said about going on rampage because of love is somewhat understandable, she may not be able to see things from that point of view. There might be a chance again depending on how meaningful things were back in the 14 years, and her reasoning for suddenly ending things and going back to her ex once more, especially so after being together with you for 14 years. Before you do all these, it's best to give her time to cool off and for her to let go of negative emotions before you consider anything again. Apply NC for awhile, pick yourself up and make positive changes to your life.

      Reply
  • AK

    Hi, so i recently broke up with my girlfriend 6 days ago. We had no contact ever since. The thing is, she has met other guys and mentioned that she has found something she wants in life after interacting with them, and that she can "connect" with them. She mentioned that it does not mean that she has someone else in her heart. Nonetheless, she is unsure if she loves me anymore. I am constantly thinking of her, when I'm out, I would subconsciously look out to see if I could spot her by chance. The places would remind me of the good old times we spent together there, the conversations we had, the plans we drafted, the promises we made.
    There are multiple thoughts that just kept haunting me. For instance, I would imagine her dating other guys (like the ones she met), which made me feel extremely awful. The nights are especially lonely.
    What should I do? I can feel I still love her deeply, but her feelings has changed. My heart and mind are not of the same side. My mind is telling me to move on, but my heart is firmly grasping onto the faint hope that she will come back to me.

    P.S. She initially initiated a temporary breakup. But when i set terms of no intimate contact with other people, she firmly rejected. The next day, I am unable to accept this fact that she could "try out" other guys while trying to sort out her feelings, and myself being a backup. Thus, I initiated a clean break.

    I am confused, lost and this is really stressing me out. Hope to hear some advice / insights.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      What you feel right now is completely normal. Since it has been only 6 days since the break up, it might be a good idea that you actually apply no contact rule, and focus on picking yourself back up. Your mind may not be at the right place now, and by attempting to pursue her back, you risk pushing her further away. Work on yourself and make those changes, because the fact that she feels that she connects with other guys means there was something lacking in the relationship which you need to figure out, and turn it around if you want to harbor any hopes of getting back together with her once more.

      Reply
  • Jennell

    My bf of several months broke it off 3 days ago and its killing me to not text him. Ever since we met, we talk to each other EVERYDAY, whether it be through text, factetime, call or actually seeing one another. I just want to tell him i miss him. He was the one who told me he loved me first, how im different than other girls hes been with and we talk about our future. Our relationship was great, but we would get into little petty disagreements and arguments. Whenever we get into something, he would shut down and not talk to anyone, basically isolates himself. Even if it wasnt cause of our argument, whenever hes stressed about family, money, school etc. Then when hes ready to talk, we talk about other things and stay positive but never what was bothering him. Thats the only thing that frustrates me was that he never wants to talk about whats bothering him. Other than that, we always had more good times than bad times in our relationship. He treats me like a queen, even calls me queen or princess. We saw each other ALOT though. I think seeing each other too much is what usually causes our little arguments. So the night b4 he broke it off, we did get into a petty argument about what my name was in his phone but after, we became lovey dovey and he went home. The next morning he calls me and ask if he could drop me off at work but i was already headed there in my own car. Few hours later, hes texts me "im done, i need a break, please respect that" so i just say "okay, have a nice life". It hurts though and its bugging me not to reach out to him. everytime we would get into something, the same night we'll be back to normal as if we didnt argue... should i just leave him alone for good? I wouldnt mind if we just only texted, i just want him to know how i feel.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It really depends on what you want at the end of the day. Your intentions would determine the actions you should take. If you want to walk away from things, then end all contact and focus on moving on with your life. However, if you want him back again, you should probably go into no contact for awhile to give both parties the needed space to breathe. It's true that when people see each other daily, there's a higher likelihood of them subconsciously taking the other for granted, resulting in more arguments and disagreements.

      Reply
  • Andy

    My ex and I broke up 1 yr ago, we did long distance for a while and were together for almost 4 years. I've made all the 5 deadly mistakes and trying to get her back since a year but no progress, still a chance? and what should be the first step?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As long as she has not blocked you, there's still a chance. Just follow through with no contact and the changes you should be making, before contacting her again at a later date.

      Reply
  • Syaz

    My ex boyfriend broke it off a few days ago on the phone as it was long distance. When I visited him last month, things were going well but it got heated up in the middle with constant fights due to my sensitivity and temper. It was so heated up to the point that I said "You deserve someone better that me." (How stupid I was!) The fight also included the fact that he says 'yes' to everything just to make me happy when I know he wasn't happy. I told him it's okay to say no; it's okay to not go to that bird park and instead have a stranger things marathon at his apartment.

    I thought we had passed it already as Ive sincerely apologized to him and promised that I'd change, but during the phone call breakup a few nights ago, he brought it up back again and told me that I was right, it got him thinking maybe he does need someone better because he couldn't handle my temper. And he brought up this topic about suddenly missing his ex (Wth?!) Before the phone call, he was suposed to come for new years and I wanted to surprise him with a romantic dinner for two and even hired a party planner as means to say I was genuinely sorry. But I couldn't make up for it because he didn't make it back here with him being busy with his thesis.

    It's been a few days after the breakup. He made me feel like a horrible person in and out. I don't know if the problem was me or him. I am at this point where I feel damaged and would like him to see that I am not a horrible person and that I love him for him.

    Syaz

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is where you should focus on No Contact to figure these things out and to improve yourself in any way you can. If he made you feel like a horrible person, perhaps you don't need that emotional negativity for the moment as you figure things out.

      Reply
  • Lindsay

    Hi Kevin
    So in my situation, I broke up with my boyfriend after heated fight, I said some very fiery words. The reason was that he became distant somewhat, not texting as much and all. This happened one month ago and of course I apologized profusely for all I said right after the fight. He texted me a little over a week later and it went sour because I asked him what our status was, if we were going to continue dating. His response to me was "at the moment, I don't think it's the right time". I then asked him if it was "over" and he said that he couldn't do this (the conversation) right now and I haven't spoken to him since except to say Merry Christmas. So it's been about 3 weeks now, and he's the type that takes a long time to figure out his emotions. He also tends to be really good at distracting himself... But what hurts is that I don't know how he is feeling. He's had a lot of other stressors in his life the last few months (career, finances, etc) and I think hes had trouble juggling a (long distance) relationship on top of it. It's put a lot of strain on our relationship. He said not long before our fight that he never stopped loving me and that he will always love and want me. My friends and family have told me exactly what you say, but I'm very stuck on wondering how it "seems" so easy for him not to talk to me for weeks. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he's facing other stressors in his life at the moment, it could very well be that the pain of losing you has not sunk it since he is still distracted with other issues. Give him some time and space, before seeing how things go again. It might look easy for him, but you never know what he's going through exactly.

      Reply
  • John

    Hi, I was seeing my gf for 16 months. We always had a great time and I was always there for her, supported her and treated her extremely well and spoilt her. After 3 months we did come to a halt but after 10 days everything was back to normal. Fast forward to the present, two months ago she moved away and is now only home at the weekends. We kept in contact everyday and still met up at weekends. After a month she was said she was concerned and things wernt the same. She has now broken up with me. She said she hasnt been happy for a long time and that after we stopped seeing each other the first time we should have left it then. Im worried that when she moved away I may have smothered her at weekends and with calls and texts when she is away. Do you think this relationship can be fixed? She was first to tell me she loved me and always said how good I am to her. We had talked about the future. But then suddenly she ends it. Any help would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend if the move she made was permanent or temporary and also on your ability to make changes if necessary. If you were worried that smothering her was what made her unhappy, then you'll have to work on your security issues. Take some time off to think about this and apply no contact for the time being before making a decision.

      Reply
  • Marvy

    Dear Ryan,

    Me and my ex boyfriend dating for almost nine months everything was fine . We text everyday and talked on the phone and I spend the night on the weekends at his place. He ended up the relationship by a letter through text . He said a lot of good things about me but I don’t understand his excuse that their is no eye contact between us ,he said one day I will understand what he meant that you will at the person in the eye and that is the person that will forever love. Are you going to base your relationship by eye contact , after five days I text him and ask him that I want closure but he never reply to me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes we don't always get the closure we need, but we should continue to pick ourselves up and move forward. I believe that he either meant the relationship had no more spark in it or he felt that you guys were on different frequencies. Either way, you should proceed with no contact first since he does not want to reply you.

      Reply
  • Hanna

    Hi Kevin
    It's almost about 1 month that I'm following NC rule.My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me because he wanted to focus on his career.Our RS wasn't a serious one(actually for him).He took care of me and put effort at the start of the RS,later he didn't.Whenever I complain him about those he couldn't do(like calling everyday,lack of his commitment),he suggested me to find someone who could invest in me.But he always denied that he didn't like me.
    He had a committed RS before me that didn't work and he failed in exams becoz of that failing RS.He always says he doesn't want to repeat the same mistake.For me,he's my first love.I tried to understand him and held onto him as long as I could.Later when the time to focus on our career came and some arguments broke out,he said he longer wanted to date me.Now it's about one month of NC and I want to give back a few of his stuff(like memory stick and some books) and my diary and a letter.Should I give him?I just want to know how much I loved him, I understand and accept the breakup as I also need to focus on my career and maybe he would contact me again when he has settled down.He had an intention of marrying me if I could wait for him to be settled(about 5-6 years).Should I send these things?Will it make him feel comfortable about the breakup/think he made the right decision of breaking up with me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, I always think if a person is truly in love, they would find a way to commit because naturally they would want to spend more time with you and would find ways to balance things out. Giving him his stuff back is fine, as with the letter. Depending on how serious he felt about you, that would determine his reaction. But you should not get your hopes up in the event that he doesn't reciprocate how you feel towards him.

      Reply
    • Hanna

      Thank you loads for your response.I'll give a try on what I could do right now as I don't wanna regret later.Yeah, I don't actually expect any reaction but want him to know :)

      Reply
  • jen

    Hello Kevin. Thanks for thexample page, feels good to know if might get some strong advice.
    I was with my ex for 3 years, we are both 43 and connect easily when things are good. However we do not argue well, he wants constant harmony and cuts me off for days if there is conflict rather than discuss.
    We had a miscarriage over the last 2 weeks. I'd been frustrated at a lack of communication about the pregnancy and the loss. I got drunk and aggressive towards him at a friends house.
    He is now in Spain where he's from, I'm in the UK trying not to contact him as I overdid it after he keft
    I miss him and our good times. We have a holiday booked in a week.
    How can I win him back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There are apparent issues here, the first being that you need to win him back even though it's understandable to feel upset that he didn't want to communicate with you over something as important as dealing with the emotions of going through a miscarriage. You should take a moment to consider if this is the person you can trust when things get difficult that he won't cut you off. Every relationship will have its issues but how you communicate with each other would determine the strength in your relationship.

      Reply
  • Laszlo Varga

    Hi Kevin,
    My girlfriend has broken up with me about a week ago, the reason for our separation was 1 stupid little fight which started off from a small thing but I was under quite a lot of pressure at the time and been stressing quite a lot, therefor I said things which I did not mean but I hurt her with it. She was totally in love with me before (she still says she loves me) and we already planned our future with marriage and kids and suddenly she has locked me out of her life and broke up with me with the reason that she cannot trust me anymore. We have been together over a year and has had some amazing memories together. I would like to get her back as I love her as I have never loved anyone before and I was also her first love. 1month no contact seems a bit long, do you think I could get in touch after a couple of weeks and ask her how she is as I care about her and maybe ask her out for a drink to have a chat?
    Appreciate your help thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on the gravity of the situation that caused the breakup. 1 month is set as a benchmark because everyone's story is different and some may require longer periods of NC. If you feel that a couple of weeks would be enough to get her to warm up to you again, by all means. But I do suggest that you stay honest with yourself and not make excuses to contact her, or you'll end up contacting her after a few days, which defeats the purpose of NC, since it's meant to give both parties some space to let go of any negative emotions as well as to make changes to their lives.

      Reply
  • G

    Hi Kevin,

    I had a 4 year and 3 months relationship with a guy, we were college sweethearts that time. Year 2012, when he confessed his love for me and he was my 2nd boyfriend.. but i cheated on him with our friend, when we were in our 2nd year. I had sex with our friend (i know cheating is a choice) I didn't realized how much we love each other because that time, I am the one who keeps the relationship going cause everytime we argue, he walks away from me and never wanted to talk about our fight. I am the one who is needy then. But one time, i made a decision that turns our relationship around, i ignored our fights and never wanted to talk to him that time for him to realize my importance. Since then, he loves me the way i wanted him to love me. Our relationship is so perfect that time (our 3rd and 4th) but then i never wanted to open up the time i have cheated on him.. because we were happy in our relationship.. but one of our friends found out the affair and tell him everything we have done. and my boyfriend broke up with me that time. and i am in my 2nd day of no contact day. do you think i can win him back? :( i'm so depressed right now :( i wanted to say sorry for what ive done :(

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you had a meaningful relationship with him, you definitely have a chance of getting him back. Complete your NC first in order to give both parties some space and for him to have some time to process, forgive you and let go of what happened. You'll have to re-gain his trust if you want him back.

      Reply
  • Natalie

    Hi Kevin,

    My boyfriend (of 1 year) and I got into a heated argument over the phone and he hung up on me. The next day was my birthday and he ignored all of my texts/calls and would not tell me if he would even go to my party that night. I was so angry that he refused to communicate with me so I broke up with him over text. It's been over a week now and I still have not heard back from him. It feels a bit weird to have absolutely no closure since we dated for a year. He is the type of person who takes a really long time to process his emotions.

    I want to reach out to him to talk, but not necessarily get back together... what should I do?

    Thank you,

    Natalie

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since he takes awhile to process his emotions, let him process it first and give him some time before you reach out to him. At least you may be able to get your closure then as opposed to reaching out now and getting into another argument.

      Reply
  • Ellen

    I dated a guy for a little over a month and things were really intense. We both said things like I love you, I’ve never felt like this about anyone, maybe it’s meant to be. Then suddenly he ended it saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didn’t know what he wanted. He was only a few months out of a very long relationship when we met. I asked if I had done anything to make him feel this way and he said no not at all. But of course I’m not sure if that’s the case. He may not even know himself. I did some low level begging in the end and he was the one who cut off contact, but as soon as I realised that I said goodbye and cut off contact as well. He has kept me on Facebook and put up a sad love song which is very out of the ordinary for him. But it’s doing my head in not knowing it this was meant for me or his ex who I had thought he was over. I’m so unsure if it was just a rebound. Can they have love and genuine connections? I can’t find any situations like mine on the website. What do you think my chances are of getting him back? 30 days seems so long considering it was a short relationship. I was so happy on my own before I met him but now my whole world feels empty.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Ellen,

      It might a good idea to ask yourself if how you're feeling right now is based on sound logic. If you were happy on your own before the relationship and one person could get you down like this, do you think it's worth it? In my opinion, he's not ready for another serious relationship right now. Whether he's over his ex or not, I would say that he may be, but it doesn't mean he's ready for a relationship. It probably isn't your fault, but give him some time to figure things out. I know 30 days seems like a long time given the circumstances, but if he's still not over his ex, there's no point even if you come back at 2 weeks.

      Reply
    • Ellen

      Thank you for your response. Do you think I should try to make contact after the 30 day period to see if he is ready then or is it better if I just let this one go. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s meant to be even if not right now.

      Reply
  • Leah Manders

    Kevin,
    My boyfriend and I of almost 4 years ended things last week. We had a beautiful relationship for a very large portion of it. Then he got a job opportunity to move out of state for 8 months for the next 4-5 4 months before we hit our 3 year mark. We somehow got through the long distance the first year and then the second year came. He began to act weird, routine was different and when he visited me we couldn't share a moment together.. but other than that he seemed normal. Then right before thanksgiving he ended things in tears. I figured we needed a break because I knew I did since I was the only partner putting forth any sort of work. The I am 98.9% sure he cheated on me or atleast hooked up with someone or some people during that time he left the second time. I confronted him and he denied it. We had always been so honest with each other in the past. We spend almost 2 hours on the phone a couple days ago and talked about the situation. He felt that this distance was hurting me too much and taking out of my life. I even tried to tell him that I understood why he'd cheat... living with a group of guys, partying a lot, one of them is single and invites all these girls over to party... i get it. I even asked him whether or not this split was hurting him and he said "every fucking day, just hearing your voice is killing me" .... he even stated "I know Im throwing away gold".. blah blah
    Any insight on what might be going on his head and how to I stop thinking about him. Theres no real chance of getting back together...but how long must it be till I don't think about him anymore?
    I was 18 and he 22 when we started dating again he never really went through a sleep with random girls phase either...
    Not justifying his cheating but just understanding it if in fact he still loves me which he claims.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Leah,

      There's really no set time on how long it takes to get over a person, since it varies for everyone. What I do know for certain though, is that the length taken to recover is ultimately dependent on what you do during that time. Whether you're keeping active, taking on new hobbies, going out with friends; or moping around and filling your thoughts with him. It sounds to me that he's projecting how he feels unto you and the distance isn't doing him any favors.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hi Kevin ,my gf broke up with me a month ago even though we’ve been having issues before the break up . Her issues was she can’t trust me and I go out with my friends a lot she think I’m not committed and that she can’t see no progression in our relationship . She morn about this a lot and I ignored her . She eventually broke up with me for this reasons. I found out She stalked on the Facebook page Of the club I usually go that was when she messaged me and asked she could see I’m having fun and I’ve moved on now . Tried to explained but she wasn’t having it . She’s blocked me everywhere now and I haven’t spoken to her for a week. I think I love this girl is there a chance of us getting back together I want to make the relationship work this time . She used to really love me and she’s very insecure . Help pls

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she has blocked you and is an insecure person, it might be a good idea to give her some space right now to calm down. She might be feeling agitated and insecure again over the fact that you went to a club. Drop her an assurance text that you would like to make things work and would wait for her to come around. If she does agree at a second shot, in the future to assure her, why not bring her along with you when you go out to let her have more confidence that you aren't up to no good. You could use this article for reference on how to win her back.

      Reply
  • Aziza

    Hi Kevin,

    I have been in a relationship for 1yr 6 months n i decided to end it last month. The reason for that is coz he stopped being how he used to be. He can stay quiet for more than a week and blame it all on his work. According to my friends a guy who truly loves you will do anything to talk to you everyday, why is he behaving like we are strangers??? I decided enough was enough and ended it but he just said ok. We work together and every time i see him am reminded of the days we used to be serious about each other. I want what we had before and i want him to love me just the way he used to before. I love him for all that he is and who i am when am with him. Am now in day 7 in the no contact but am afraid he will not be into me. Please help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes it's hard to get back into a familiar stage of the past that we longed for, because people change over time. If you want something back to how it was in the past, you have to understand why it changed in the first place. Why did he start acting like a stranger towards you all of a sudden? Why did he stop caring? It could be that he started taking you for granted or it could be like how your friends said. If it is the latter, I don't think you're being fair to yourself by holding on to the relationship.

      Reply
    • Aziza

      Kevin,

      We have a joint savings account for a business idea we wanted to establish as a long term income. When i asked him why he stopped caring, his comment was that he cant serve 2 masters at one time that being a relationship and a business. Is that a way of saying am not interested in us??? When it comes to him am abit confused on his agenda since at one time he sounds interested and the next we have a barrier in between. Please advise me if am doing the right thing by wanting him.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's nothing wrong about wanting him, but it does sound as though he has his priorities set, which is work first and relationship second (only if there's time). It could have been a sudden realization or something that he's been thinking about but just never told you until now. You have to bear that in mind if you still want him back.

      Reply
    • Aziza

      Hi Ryan,

      Just wanted to update u on whats going on. So today is my last day in no contact n am feeling abit anxious about contacting him again. During the no contact period he's been trying to talk to me or brush past me at work byt i kept ignoring. Now he is as quiet as i am but he keeps checking my whatsapp statud from time to time. I have been thinkin if getting back with him is the right choice since hz taken me for granted that i will always be there for him.
      Every time i think of how to reach out to him i get nervous and afraid of th
      E outcome. Am thinking of going another month of no contact. Please help.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You would know yourself better than anyone else. Sometimes after the NC period, we start to see things clearer and that we may not be able to fully accept our ex for who they are, so it might be better to walk away. However if you feel that you're willing to go through anything to make the relationship work, then reach out to him.

      Reply
    • Aziza

      Hi again,

      I like being frank with some1 about how i feel so i reached out not as coyly as what is written in the internet but just asked right to the point n this is what he replied

      "I x u to gv me tYm i sort out my thingZ cz im under alot of Pressure bt u neVa wantd to Listen... wateVa u wanted is wat u want to get nd dats y i let it go...
      Cz i gt alot in my Head il b High most of da TyM nd dat y i need to b alone i dnt wanna Hurt any1 bt u neVa wantd tooo hear me out"

      He doesnt understand that being in a relationship you go through every hardship n joy together. Its better together than apart since we are in a relationship. So i have decided to stop giving myself heartache over a guy who doesnt get the true meaning of being in a relationship. I am better off concentrating on making myself happy n maybe some day i will get the guy who appreciates someone being there for them in good n bad times.

      Thank you for giving me the guidance but i just quit and let go.

      Reply
  • Victor

    I just spoke with my ex girlfriend after ten years last night .but I was thinking of sending her a text the next day to let her know it was nice to hear from her ,she is going through a rough time also just curious??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may be a nice gesture to drop her a text just to check in if you say she is going through a rough time.

      Reply
  • Li

    So my girlfriend broke up with me because she says i get mad over little stuff, over react and spend too much time complaining and overreacting. I love her that much and i obviously want her back. But the thing is, we're in the same college, hostel, church and organization(a club).. Its totally difficult for me to do no contact. She still contacts me anyway but no amount of words have been able to change her mind. What should i do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi there,

      I suggest reading up on this article to understand on how to deal with an ex if you have to see her constantly. If you can't convince her now, it would be better to apply the no contact rule first before talking to her again since the negative memories of breaking up are still fresh right now.

      Reply
  • Tone

    No contact is a bunch of bullshit...the longer you go non contact the less chance youll have at getting her back...distance doesnt break relatonships but silence sure as fuck does. If youre going no contact, be ready to accept that you will never see your ex again and you will eventually move on. Its fucked up how one minute youre together for 10 years everysingle day and the next ninute youre just like when you first met, 2 strangers. Life is fucked !!!

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hi Tone,

      You are right, it's a possibility. This is why you should use no contact to heal and get back in touch when you are ready. From your comment, it seems like you are in pain. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you feel better soon.

      Reply
  • Tabu

    Hi, I've Already Made "The 5 deadly Mistakes". Is there any chance your suggested plan is going to work? As she has already adamantly told me she might get into another relationship but never with me again, I'm wasting my time over her. She talks to me but with repeated disclaimer that nothing is going to work. Yes I've done all the 5 deadly mistakes you mentioned, is there any chance things to improve? I'm very low these days, please help me out.

    Reply
  • Grace

    Hi, my ex and I broke up last June 4. We've been together for 10 years and he proposed to me last year. He said his letting me go and his tired of our relationship. i've been too dependent on him. I want him back ☹️ Last contact with June 28 after that I never text or message him again.

    Reply
  • Brett

    My ex recently broke up with me out of the blue. She feels that her life is really hectic right now and doesn't have time for a relationship. Plus she didn't like the fact our relationship was long distance. Do I have a chance of getting her back?

    Reply
  • Chisom

    I broke up with my boyfriend because he is controlling and he doesn't treat me rite he said he doesn't have to talk to me everytime he can go weeks without talking to me he hardly gives me attention when i broke up with him he just said okay bye that all he said i want him back

    Reply
  • Ashraf

    Hi Kevin
    My ex brokeup with me a month ago. This happened because he cheated me on and I knew about it. He told me that we cannot move because I will not trust him anymore (for me this is not true) but I guess it was an excuse. We had been together for alomst 5 months and we really loved each other. We rented an apartment and used to sleep and have our breakfast, lunch, and dinner together everyday. I'm really confused and cannot believe it happened. I haven't conacted or met him for almost a month in spite of having our apartment. We are gays btw. Are there any advice?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Ashraf,

      Five months is not enough time to build a strong connection in a relationship. It seems that you just went through the honeymoon phase of the relationship and he cheated on you and ended it when things got boring. Do you really want to be with someone like that? I recommend you do another month of no contact and focus on healing. If you still want him back, contact him again.

      Reply
  • daisy

    Brilliant advice!!! Thank you !

    Reply
  • daniel

    Kevin. Ive been here 2yrs ago. Im so good now and i want to thank you. I neverr hafd a relationship because i never want to. I had a lot of flings. Now i need your help again. My ex from 2yrs ago and i talked. We had a chance to have a closure and talk good again. She admitted that she sometimes thinks of me about what ifs and if something happens she thinks about me too. Now after our recent talk shes becoming a bit of clingy she started to initiate communications and messaging me. Now im not saying i want her back. I just want to hold the power between us this time coz i messefd it up before. What should i do? I dont reply to all her messages coz im thinking she cant have me 100% just by being a friend.
    If she want me then tell me. I just want your help again just like 2yrs ago. Thabk you!

    Reply
  • Marc

    What do you say about the counter arguement about NC being the worse thing you could do, I've been reading it's the best advice to move on for yourself and not necessarily getting your ex back. The amount of stories people wished they picked up the phone but stuck with the NC advice is a bit depressing. I am mainly referring to this article: [link removed]

    I was reading her replies the comments so was just curious whats your thoughts on this? I would love the read the negatives of no contact, the how it can actually do more damage if applied wrong, i agree there should be space and I agree if you contact a female it just seems to turn them off more..but which advice is correct...what is the correct approach, so much information out there that may be applied wrong.

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Marc,

      I have read that article before and it has some good points. This is why I recommend that if you are too much worried about your ex moving on during no contact (or if they start contacting you during no contact), you should let them know that you need time and space to deal with the breakup pain and you will contact them when you are able to talk to them comfortably. Being honest, is a surprisingly effective way of getting around this dilemma.

      Reply
  • Richard

    Ja, follow what Kevin has provided. Its not easy, in fact its hard to deal with, but the mans right...better yourself and love yourself first...how can you love another when there's no love for you??..

    Reply
  • Richard

    Thank you Kevin, and everybody else for sharing their experiences, its set me on the right track to better myself and love myself. I pray that everyone else that reads what this kind man and people have shared helps them through the rough time of loosing your one. Love and respect.

    Reply
  • JA

    Hi kevin. Same name with my ex! Haha

    Anyway my boyfriend and i had this simple argument that gets chaotic because of my pride and he didnt get my point.

    Next morning i received a text saying he think we need to breakup. Our relationship is dead and that he needs to find himself. I said Okay lets be friends for awhile. He texted me that 'ok take care", the another msg, "it really has no effect on you huh. smile emoticon." i dont reply. he goes single on fb. and shared the news as fast as a wind to his friends!

    3rd day. I made no contact.
    4th day. he reached out. I dont reply.

    5th day, sept5. i texted him that night! I said my decision to agree with the breakup was just ryt because of wat i found out. I was angry! I discovered something that truly hurts me. he never told me about an incident wayback in our first yr of rel. he texted me what did i found out! I told him. Then we exchanged texts. Then He told me the reason why he broke up. (He also pointed out that his the one who broke up!) That i dont meet his friends, i dont text regularly, that he waited for us to make love again. Etc etc. in return i also told him his downpoints. At the end he asked me if i want to fixed things ,he called me even. Just to found out his drunk. I told him ill tell him the answer the next day. His persuasive. He want an answer ryt away. That when i end call it means its totally over. Im just not ready for the answer yet. So i hang up and texted that pls we need to think about it. Im also confused that time.

    6th. Then the next day came, i told him we need to meet to talk things out. He said no need he already has his decision. He already think about it last nyt (How? His drunk ryt!). That was to end our lovestory. I was shocked.i asked if he dont love me anymore. If theres no chance of fixing things together. He said he's confused. Sometimes he thinks he love me sometimes not. That if we end up again together he has changed into a brave man in a sense that he wont lower his pride again (Cause he always lower his pride for me to fix things for us). i got scared but im ready to have him still. I told myself this is my fault. I haven't made him feel special. But thats what he made me feel also during our times. Maybe both of us dont see our own different way of showin love. His showy, im not. His clingy, im not. By the way he got his 1st job. (We have talked about it before the breakup happened! I supported him even! I used to always cheer him up.) He told me his schedule! That day he also asked if we could have our last date. He asked me what day i prefer he told me his availability and we both agreed it should be on Sept 20. I asked again if he love me. He said yes. But if we end up together it will never be the same as before. I said "okay if thats what you really want". We texted and end up to nothing but goodnight.

    Sept 7,2015 i text him goodmorning also Lunchtime. He always reply coldy though. I asked again if his really sure with his decisions and he should have the most final. He said he dont know, maybe. I asked if he still love me, still not sure. He told me his afraid of losing communication with me. And I told him yes once we broke up we will really end our communication. He said he wanted us to be friends, i told him at the right time. He also asked me if i really want to give it try. I said yes. He still said so many excuses.

    Sept 8 i texted goodmorning lunchtime. Go home safe. Things i forgot to do before. Btw, Its his 1st day of work. he replied. That his going home. We exchanged conversation. Afterwards he told me if only i was like that before when we're still together. I just agreed. Then he went cold again. i asked again if he still loves me. Conversation goes on.

    Sept9 the same scenario goes on until Sept 11 our supposed to be 4th anniv! ;( I dont text him. I know i will be hurting myself more. That nyt i received a short cold reply from the hanging question from yesterday that he didnt answered. We started conversation. And to my shock, he mentioned that it was Sept11 that day! I dont know what to say. I said "yes it was Sept11 today. Why?" He replied , "well nothing." God! Im so confused. I asked again "why did you mentioned it?" I want him to speak up. To know his purpose on telling it. Still i got nothing. He started to be cold again. One word each reply.

    Sept12 we chat at night as usual. Of course i always initiate. He reply coldly. I love using emojis. The sad one. I asked him its late what is he still doing? He screenshot the monitor and sent to me. I asked what's it. He said "thats what im doing". I made it as a topic. I cant help myself, i asked him "do you miss me? Well there's nothing to be missed about me." I think his pissed? He said i should stop making myself pitiful! I told him no im not. Im just telling. He went cold. I asked again why arent he gone home? Its too late. He said his still finishing something. Then he added "and i will go home anytime i want". I got hurt. I back off. I said sorry and goodnight.

    Sept13 i initiate again. He always respond though. I made myself not pitiful. All emojis SMILING! I used HAHA even as laugh. At the end i raised same question. He told me I need to start moving on. I should do everything I can to move on. I said "Maybe you already move on. Anyway, thanks for the advice. I will" and goodnight. -end

    Sept14 the biggest mistake i did (but i really want to give it a shot) i texted him a long text. I told him i love him so much. That its so unfair how can he unlove me and move on so easily. That i have this questions in mind "if theres rally no way for 2nd chance?", "why does he moved on so easily?", "why he able to unloved me so fast?" "what should i do to win him back?". I even told him his not answering my questions directly. That his so cold. His pushing me away. Make me feel embarrassed. I also told him, that i thought we will be together until forever. (That's what he used to say.) That we have agreed that if we have problems with each other we should just fight over like what couples should do but why did he suggest a breakup rightaway. He replied. He asked if i want to know his side. I said yes. So here what he says. That he was ready for this breakup situation for about 1 yr. That I am the one who made him prepared on leaving me (he said i didnt give him importance). I said why didnt he told me. He said i wont listen, im acting like a boss. I told him its unfair! I'm not prepared. He said expect the unexpected. I wasted too much time. And he told me if ever we will end up together again it wont be the same anymore. I told him i'm willing to change i promise. Do the things i havent done for him. He asked me why I'm doing this. Why I'm chasing over him. Why didn't i showed how much i love him before when we're still together. I said because I love him so much and i'm sorry i didn't made him feel special (if that what he really thinks)! He said its too late. Promises are meant to be broken. That I wasted too much time before i realized it. I pleaded, begged that i need him. That we need a 2nd chance. I asked what he wants me to do for us to be back together. He told me he wants me to move on so i wont be hurting anymore. By the way he told me his 90% moved on!! (He has his drinking buddies, 1st job). I told him i don't want to let go. He told me I deserve someone better. I told him, NO I WANT ONLY HIM. I asked him if its okay to think about the 2nd chance until Sept 20 (The last date). He told me okay and that he'll think about it but i should not expect too much. And whatever his decision i need to respect it. I said Okay. He said "good". -end-

    I'm in total mess!!!!! I know deep in my heart I really love him.

    Sept 15,2015. I read about this page. I want opinions. Though I had my friends and family's. I just don't understand our situation. I never contacted him starting this day. I really dont know what to do. He never contacted me neither. Does his actions, his replies were positive or negative for my part? I feel his confused. I feel his pride is speaking. I do love him and want him back. Do you think I still have a chance to have him back? Can i really apply the no contact rule for a month? Give it a try? Should i go see him on Sept 20? But he doesn,t contacted me yet about our last date.Helpppp. ;(

    P.S.

    SORRY THIS IS TOO LOOOONNNGGG. I KNOW.

    Reply
  • Kim

    My boyfriend is 18 and I'm 20 years old. In our relationship our parents weren't accepting us as each other's partners. With the matter of time this thing kept disturbing my partner n he got uncomfortable with our relationship. He broke up a month ago giving me these reasons. I tried convincing him but he didn't seem to get convinced. I want him back, and these days he have chose not to reply any of my texts. Although I'm following this NC rule since 4days. Do you think there's any chance that I will get him back and I should continue with NC rule? ( to add- we were bestfriends before we start dating n we really had great times when we were dating)

    Reply
  • Brian

    Hi.
    My ex fiancé left 12 days ago and gave her ring back. We have a two year old daughter also.
    I've made evet mistake you mention in this article but it doesn't mention how to handle it when there are kids involved.
    We have to see each other and have spend a few afternoons together. She says she doesn't want our daughter to see us not together or hating each other.
    How do I get control or power back when I've made the mistakes already and she wants to spend time together as a family for our daughter. Also she still says she might want to work on things but not now and she's not sure or maybe or we'll see about trying again. Thanks.

    Reply
  • confusedbutok

    I contacted my ex after 30 days started with a casual text about the weather and slowly got her to let her defenses down. All seemed well.

    Then she started talking about her father and how no one cares about her and how I wasn't any different. Of course it led me to slightly mention how in the relationship it may have seemed that way but it wasn't the truth.

    Then she mentions she's seeing someone who makes her very happy and I replied "lol" she got mad and asked how that's funny and I said "it's just funny how someone you just met can make you very happy but all power to it"

    She then flipped! She told me to go f*ck myself and to delete her number and never text her or she'll block me and that I used her (which I never did)

    I replied with what? You really thought I used you? That's insane. And she never replied.

    Is all hope gone? :(

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey,

      That "lol" was a bit passive aggressive, don't you think? And the explanation confirmed it. A better reply would have been something letting her know that you are ok with her dating new people since you two are broken up.

      I'd say give it another month NC (two weeks minimum) and then try again.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      She told me to stop texting her or she'll block me. Some friends say I should apologize but others say to leave her alone.

      I know I was jerky in my replies but I felt she was trying to prove she's happy without me and I wasn't buying it. What should I try saying after another month of NC?

      Reply
    • Kevin

      OK, I'll recommend you first send her an email explaining that you were caught off-guard with your feelings and perhaps you became a little jealous when she told you she is with someone else. Hence, the rude reply. Apologize briefly. And tell her that perhaps you weren't ready to talk to her and you think it's better for you both that you don't contact her for a while. And then do no contact for a month.

      You are right though, she was trying to prove she is happy and she clearly isn't since her reaction was kind of extreme. But you are the one trying to get her back, not the other way around. You don't get to be passive aggressive.

      In fact, you shouldn't be passive aggressive even if you have her back. If she tries to manipulate or lie or try to prove you something that isn't true, your response should be to tell her to cut it out. Not start playing into it. Tell her how you feel about her actions or whatever she is doing. Do not be passive aggressive. It just slowly eats away the relationship.

      Right now, you can't tell her she is manipulating, or trying to prove you something that isn't true. Even if she is. You can just show her that you are confident and attractive. It's OK to be a little vulnerable (which the email I mentioned above will look like) since being true about yourself is a sign of confidence. Notice you are not acting on your feeling of insecurity or jealousy (which is unattractive). You are accepting it and you are telling her you working on it, without trying to control her or manipulate her.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      Thank you! Should I send the email now or after two weeks?

      I had something written I was planning to send but didn't know when. It'd be something like this:

      Hey remember when we'd have those mini dance parties in your car? (One of our favorite artists) was on the radio and it made me think about how fun that was. I feel bad about how our last conversation ended, you're important to me and I hope all is well and we can be friends one day.

      Should I add more? Could you re-write it for me? I'd appreciate it greatly as I'm getting so much conflicting advice on what to do/say from people

      Reply
    • Kevin

      If you are apologising in your letter, you should send it now. If you are sending something like you mentioned in the comment, then you should wait two weeks. Either one is fine.

      Reply
  • Karen

    Thank you Kevin,

    He has been trying to make moves but I have been rejecting him. Right now, I have been communicating with other men and somewhat dating so I'm exploring options at this point. However, the love is still there for my ex but I've decided to not really spend any time with him right now. I just communicate with him through text when I can. I'm not jumping back into that situation at this point. I will let time run it's course because like you said, if he is not willing to put in the effort, I'm not trying to deal with him.

    Reply
  • Karen

    Hi Kevin,

    I just wanted to give you a minor update. So it's been basically 30 days and I have not contacted him, no more than about the belongings. I did accidentally send a group text with him included on Christmas and he responded "Merry Christmas Karen!" but that was it. He has prolonged the situation about returning our belongings so I haven't even pushed it. Not sure why he is prolonging when we stay in the same city but I thought it was kind of weird. I can say that the 30 days with NC has helped me even though I still think about him everyday but I have begin to do some different things for myself. Also, I found it weird that I've been getting restricted calls here and there. One was about two weeks ago around the time he gets off work so I thought that it was strange. I also received another restricted call a couple of days ago really early in the morning. I never get restricted calls so it's puzzling.

    Reply
    • karen

      Hi Kevin, so he brought my belongings back and when he came, he looked so uncomfortable, quiet, and uneasy. Not a lot of eye contact but I was happy and acted like nothing ever happened. I couldn't help but feel good and laugh on the inside as I watched him look weird. I redecorated my apartment so he hadn't seen it so he was trying to ask a few questions about that. He also was trying to ask a few questions about different things but I never gave him any direct answers. He wanted to know if I visited my aunt's house for Christmas because he didn't see my car when he drove by. I actually made some changes to my physical appearance too. He told me that he had ordered me a Christmas gift but it hadn't arrived yet. There was no conversation about us. I strictly kept it brief but he just looked so uncomfortable but I didn't give in to that. He texted me wishing me a Happy New Year but I waited for about 45 mins before I texted back the same thing.

      Reply
    • Kevin

      That's great Karen. You did good. Keep it up. Remember, you did nothing wrong in the relationship. He cheated on you. It's not something that can be forgiven easily. And trust is extremely hard to build again. Unless he admits his mistakes and wants to try his best rebuild trust, you should not even think of giving him another chance.

      Reply
    • Karen

      Hi Kevin,

      So he started texting me more and more basically trying to see whether or not I had moved on but I would always avoid his questions. He finally bought my Christmas gift over and apologized for everything that he did. He said that I didn't deserve it and the reason it took so long for him to apologize was because he didn't know how to approach me. He said that that was part of the reason he bought the gift as a start and then move into a verbal conversation. He said that he knew that he had to face me but just didn't know when or how. I told him that I forgave him but we can be friends. He hasn't really said anything about a relationship but he's been texting me that he misses me and asking if I miss him but I find a way to change the subject. He said that he loves me and always will and I say ok. He wants to know if I have a boyfriend or not but I say that I have friends but that's it. He admitted to cheating and even spoke a little about the other girl. I didn't really ask him any questions. I just acted happy as I normally would like nothing had happened. So, now I'm trying to figure out what angle is he going from here. He's been texting me but it's been friendly things but sometimes he will say something like he misses me or on his birthday he said that he wanted to go to a certain restaurant. I just respond and say something like "oh ok" or "i know you love their food and I hope you enjoy your birthday". We used to act really silly and joke with each other a lot so that's what we've been doing lately and I try to keep it like that. At this point, I don't know what to do. I did the no contact for 30 days but I still want to take things very slow but not sure what to do at the moment. Can you shoot me some tips?

      Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Karen,

      First of all, you need to be real with yourself. He cheated on you. Do you think you can forgive him and rebuild trust in the relationship. It's good that he has apologized and accepted his mistake. But there's still a long way to go from here if you want a healthy relationship with him. There are a lot of websites that talk about infidelity and how to rebuild trust after someone cheated on you (One that I recommend is "Marriage Builders"). I suggest you go through them and get a realistic idea about what you will face when you try to rebuild trust with him. If you think it's achievable, only then go ahead with him. If not, then cut all communications with him (block him from everywhere) and try to move on.

      If you decide to go ahead, take things slowly like yo are already doing. Let him make the moves. If he doesn't make a move in a month or two, then you should ask him to hang out or maybe even ask him to get back together. Remember, whenever you two talk about getting back together, tell him what you expect from him if you two want to rebuild trust in the relationship. If he is not willing to put in the effort, end the relationship and cut him off from your life.

      Reply
  • Karen

    Hi Kevin,

    I found out eleven days ago that my bf of 1.5 years had been cheating on me. He denied it over and over again saying that they were just friends but I know that it's true. I was hurt and angry but he still denied it to the end. He text'd me that same night still denying but I never responded because I was so angry. I realized six days later that he still has the key to my home so I text'd him and told him but he never responded and still hasn't. I haven't contacted him since and I'm not going to. Over these eleven days I thought back on how lenient and nice I was to him and he probably thought in his head that I would always be there and that he still has me no matter what. I can't believe that I haven't heard from him because we were also close friends and we never really discussed the situation because he was at work when this all took place. I almost feel that he thinks that he's on my mind so that's why he's acting this way or maybe he's moved on with this other girl that he met 5 mos ago. I did notice during our relationship that he became distant the past 3 mos but he was telling me that he was trying to get some things together so I didn't push the issue. When ever we are together, we get along extremely well so I didn't notice any changes in his attitude. I just want to know why now since that he has been caught that he just doesn't admit it but not hearing from him is driving me crazy. I really do love and miss him. Please help!!

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Karen,

      There could be many reasons why he doesn't respond. Perhaps he wants to "punish" you for breaking up. Maybe he is just too arrogant to admit his mistake. But whatever it is, I'll recommend you don't try to contact him. He cheated on you. And he has shown no signs of regret or taken any action to rebuild your trust. There is absolutely no point in trying to get him back. You do love him right now, but it'll fade over time and you will realize it was for the best.

      Reply
    • Karen

      Thanks Kevin,

      What do I do if he tries to contact me? I feel like that is going to happen but because everything was so heated at the time, he's trying to let everything cool down. He also has a few things at my place as well.

      Reply
    • Kevin

      If he wants his things, give it back to him. If he wants to talk about the relationship or breakup, tell him you need some time and space and you prefer not to talk to him right now.

      Reply
    • Karen

      Hi Kevin,

      I just wanted to give u an update. He offered to return my belongings but said that he could do it next week. We live in the same city so I didn't understand why he couldn't do it this week but I didn't ask. I actually told him to meet me the week after because I felt like he was trying to control that situation by saying that he could do it next week. That's all the conversation consisted of but I wanted to text him back so bad and ask him why didn't he apologize but I didn't. I just brushed it off but it was difficult.

      Reply
    • Kevin

      Great work Karen. I don't think you should worry about controlling the situation too much. If he doesn't admit his mistake, takes responsibility for his actions and shows a will to change and build the trust back; you shouldn't even consider talking to him or taking him back.

      Reply
  • Calista

    Hi Kevin,

    May i know if the period when my husband is out of town also count into the no contact period? or only when he starts to look for me which counts as the start of the no contact.

    I am starting no contact since a few days ago when he is out of town. so, it is more like i cannot contact him rather than a no-contact.

    Please advise. Thanks.

    Reply
  • Trent

    Hi Kevin I made a comment here and was hoping you could help me but I couldn't seem to find it. I badly need to check your response for that one. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Sorry. The comment section on this website is heavily moderated and I don’t approve most of the comments. Please post on the message boards if you have questions about your breakup or relationship.

      Reply
  • calista

    Dear Kevin,

    I tried to implement NC starting 22 Nov. My husband and I have a child.
    When he called me when to meet up, I still responded to me and met up for
    family outings. When I saw him, I tried to treat him as my child's dad
    only, but I still show my affection when the atmosphere was relax.
    Compared to my previous pestering behaviour, I performed well on Saturday.

    On Sunday morning, I received a message from him out of the blue telling
    me that he is going on a short trip with his parent. Then he went and
    switched off his mobile. I was left with shock and triggered my nerve. I
    felt disrespect and he still treat me as a friend. I suppose I couldn't
    accept that my position in his heart has changed from a wife to something
    less. So I have expectations on him. When it is not met, I will be
    disappointed.

    My counselor said that my husband's heart to me has died given his
    indifference response. I really want to get him back and let him pursue
    me. What should I do? Should I not let him see me and our child together
    so that I have a complete NC? We have seperated for two years, and I may
    have messed things several times. Do I still have a chance and keep on
    doing the NC until I successfully implemented it?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey,

      You should keep doing NC and keep things strictly related to your child. Two years is a long time and your counselor might be right. I'll suggest you start accepting the possibility that you may never get him back. I'll also suggest you start dating.

      Reply
    • Calista

      Kevin,

      Oh dear, it is disappointing to hear that. I am still hopeful about the recociliation. I thought after two years, he still hasn't walked out of the relationship and staying in touch with me. No?

      Anyway, I don't plan to remarry and date again regardless of my marriage status. Once i am married and made my vows, I plan to be with the same person.

      Reply
    • Calista

      Dear Kevin,

      Our formal two years seperation will be due in end of January 2015. by then, my husband is free to submit the divorce papers by himself should he still wish to proceed with it. At one point in time, he told me he hasn't decided and thought of divorce yet.

      The reason why my husband left me is because i didn't do my responsibility as a wife n didn't live with him since our marriage. He used to love me a lot, then his endurance to this drop to a point he decided to quit.

      When he first told me about the seperation, he cried about it and asked me if i need his help, call him. since then, we stay in touch daily. but during this process, i keep pestering him which have made things worse. I didn't give him the chance to miss me. I thought i need to plant some good memories in his mind before i pull away from him. He sent me gifts on my birthday and mother's day.

      I have never implemented the NC rule. this is my last shot n final resort. whenever i see him, i can't help but to open up my feelings. I have to stop seeing and talking to him. I need to try my best to remove myself from his life and vice versa. If i have to tell him anything about our child, i will keep it via message but i won't go out with him together with our child because i will open up opportunity for myself to fail. NC is my last resort before the divorce comes. From now till end of January, i will try disappear from him. i will see how he responds and if he pushes forward. Is my strategy right?

      Reply
    • Kevin

      Sounds good to me. Good luck.

      Reply

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