Imagine if you could just overcome obstacles and finish stages in your life to get your ex girlfriend back in your arms.

I am not just talking about how to get your ex girlfriend back. I am talking about getting her back permanently.

Remember, you guys broke up once; and she may leave you again. So, your aim shouldn’t be just to win her back, it should be to get her back and keep her for good.

Because if that’s not what you truly want; you are better off moving on and finding a new girl.

What this guide is about?

This article is your ultimate guide on how to win your ex girlfriend back. I’ve designed this article in stages. Just like in a video game.

Why?

If you and the girl you love just broke up; you are probably going through a lot of pain, heartache, grief, obsessiveness and above all confusion.

In fact; if you are reading this article; there’s a good chance you are very confused and don’t know where to go from here. About what to do and what not to do.

This guide is your ultimate resource for getting your ex girlfriend back. Think of it as a manual, a walkthrough, a game plan or a strategy guide for the current mission in this game called your love life.

Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Mission: Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back and Keep Her Permanently

This guide will tell you exactly what to do from here on forward to get your ex girlfriend back as soon as possible. (Note: You may want to bookmark this article as it’s quite long and you will need it constantly as you move forward in this mission)

Who this guide is for?

This guide is for you if you want your ex girlfriend back, your ex wife back or your ex fiancé back. This guide is for you if you are a teenager in high school, you in your 20s, 30s, 40s or even 50s.

This guide is for you if your ex girlfriend dumped you. And it’s for you if you broke up with your ex girlfriend and still want her back.

This guide is the fastest and the most efficient way of getting your ex girlfriend back if you want to keep her forever.

How does this guide work?

This guide is divided in stages. Just like a video game.

Each stage will have objectives for you to accomplish. Some of these objectives will be optional. The optional objectives are not important to win her back permanently, but they definitely do help in the process and they will increase your chances significantly.

In addition, there will be actionable tips, objectives, or steps in the articles. Consider this as mini objectives that you can take action on. These actionable objectives are very practical and easy to understand, as opposed to the other things involving dating, relationships and breakups.

You will also find common pitfalls in each section of the article. These are common mistakes that most people make during each stage of getting back together with their ex girlfriend.

In some places, I’ll link to other articles on this website which will provide more information on a particular topic. These additional articles serve as supplement articles to this detailed guide. But they are in no way a replacement for this. So, you should read this guide in it’s entirety before moving on to any of these supplement articles.

Stage 1: The Valley of Grief aka Don’t Push Her Away

Stage 1 - Valley Of Grief

Objectives:

  1. Stop Panicking and Pushing Her Away
  2. Take Action to Regain Composure
    • a) Start No Contact
    • b) Grieve
  3. Accept The Breakup (Optional Until End Of Stage 2)
  4. Heal By Spending Time With Loved Ones (Optional)

When you lose the girl you love; you are bound to panic. You activate the fight or flight response in your brain. And when your brain is panicking; it doesn’t think logically.

Instead; it relies on your instincts. It goes into overdrive trying to make sense of it all and in a state of panic; it makes you do things that ultimately pushes your ex girlfriend away.

1. Stop Panicking And Pushing Your Ex Girlfriend Away

The goal of this stage is to get yourself to stop panicking and pushing your ex away. To do that; you must

  1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now
  2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now

Breakup grief is a bitch. That’s the best way I can put this. Once you lose your girlfriend; whom you were very close to; you are very likely to go through the five stages of grief.

The stages namely.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

The stages of grief are pretty self explanatory so I’ll not go into details about them. But when you are trying to win her back for good; you need to watch out for the first three stages of grief.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • And Bargaining

As we will see in the next section; these three stages of grief are likely to make you do things that will push your ex further away.

2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

To make this easier for you to remember; here is a list of mistakes that pushes your ex away when you are in this stage.

Mistake 1: Begging and Trying to Use Pity

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I can’t live without her. I still love her and will always love her. I can’t be happy without her. Surely; this should be a good enough reason for her to take me back.”

I am not sure if it’s the media, the movies or the damn TV shows. But guys get the idea that if they can show their ex GF how helpless they are without her; she will come back.

They try to beg and plead to get her back. In some cases; guys go to extreme lengths to show their ex how miserable they are without her.

begging your ex gf

The truth is though; no girl is attracted to a weak guy. If you act like you are miserable without her; she will just get less and less attracted to you until she decides to cut you off from her life.

Mistake 2: Calling and Texting Her All the time

Grief Stage: Denial

Example:

“If I just keep in touch with her; everything will go back to normal. If I don’t let her forget me; she will realize how much she loves me and wants to be with me. I just need to stay in touch with her.”

This one is obvious. The more you text or call your ex; the less attractive you will look to her. Even if you act all casual when you text her; you will still come off as needy as your ex will see right through it.

Texting her again and again is a sign of neediness and desperation and no girl is attracted to a needy guy.

texting ex girlfriend expectations vs reality

Notice how texting and calling her all the time are coming out of neediness and desperation instead of a genuine desire to speak to her and enjoy a conversation with her.

Mistake 3: Telling Her How Much You Love Her and That you will do everything for her

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I’ll do anything to get her back. I’ll marry her tomorrow if I must. I will agree to whatever she wants from me and do anything to make her happy.”

Now that she has broken up with you; she doesn’t care how much you love her and what you are willing to do for her. (Note: It may have worked before the breakup in some cases. But it definitely doesn’t work after the breakup)

If you tell her how much you love her now; it’s just going to make you look needy and desperate to win her back. It’s going to turn her off and make her respect you less.

The same goes for when you tell her you will do anything to get her back. More commonly known as becoming a doormat.

You can’t just let her walk all over you just because you want her back. Even if you manage to convince her to come back this way; she will leave again soon because she will not have any respect for you.

Mistake 4: Freaking Out About Her Rebound

Grief Stage: Anger, Denial, Bargaining

Example:

“How can she do this to me? She told me she loved me just a couple of weeks ago and now she is sleeping around with someone else. I am going to give her a call and tell her exactly what I think about this and what @$$#@ she and her new boyfriend is.”

Or

“She is making a huge mistake with that guy. Her new boyfriend is not the right person for her. I am. I need to speak to her immediately and convince her to leave the other guy for me. If I don’t, it may be too late.”

In a lot of cases; your ex may start dating immediately after a breakup. In some cases; she might start dating after a week or a month.

But in almost all the cases; her new relationship will be a rebound. And it will end. That’s what happens with majority of rebound relationships. Read more about the nature of rebound relationships here and how to get her back when she has a boyfriend here.

Mistake 5: Degrading Her and Calling Your Ex-Girlfriend Names

Grief Stage: Anger

Example:

“I can’t believe you did this to me. I should have known you were a gold digger.”

Or

“How can you do this to me after all I’ve done for you. Man, you really don’t deserve me. I hope you spend the rest of your life being as miserable as I know you are inside.”

I think it’s pretty obvious why doing something like this will push her further away. No one wants to be with a guy who is abusive.

degrading your ex girlfriend

So, if you ever have the urge to say anything mean to your ex girlfriend; do yourself a favor and STOP.

What if I have already made these mistakes?

These mistakes are very common. As I mentioned earlier; these mistakes are a direct result of you going through grief and acting on your instincts.

So, if you’ve made them; don’t beat yourself over it. This only means you are human.

And since these mistakes are only human; it’s pretty easy to get your ex to forgive you for them as described in Stage 3 of this mission named getting your ex girlfriend back permanently.

Actionable Steps to Take

  • Change the name of your ex girlfriend to “Don’t Push Her Away” on your phone so you don’t forget about these mistakes in the future.

2. Take Action to stop panicking and get yourself together

Now that we have learned what mistakes to avoid in this stage; it’s time to learn what you can do in this stage to stop panicking, regain your composure, and stop doing things that push your ex further away. Here’s how to go about it.

a) Start No Contact

In my experience; the easiest way to avoid making any of the above mistakes and heal from the breakup is to start no contact.

What is no contact?

No contact rule is a simple rule to not contact your ex at all for a certain number of days. You want to remove your ex from your life and from your mind. This means

  • No Texting
  • No Calling
  • No Bumping Into Her at her favorite coffee shop
  • No keeping tabs on her through her friends
  • Staying away from her social media profiles

I know it may seem a little extreme to suddenly cut all contact from your ex; but it’s very important and a very effective way to achieve the objective of this stage. Here’s how it will affect you and your ex.

How No Contact Affects You?

When you cut your ex girlfriend out of your life; you will start seeing things clearly and feel better about yourself. You will realize that you can live without your ex and life is not so bad after all.

In most cases; you are so addicted to having your ex girlfriend in your life; you can’t imagine a life without her. When you stop contacting her; you will go cold turkey on this addiction.

Just like any other addiction; you will slowly recover from it and start seeing things clearly.

It’s very important that you get over the addiction of your ex girlfriend before you reach the third stage of this guide.

You need to get rid of this addiction before you can approach her and get her back. As long as you are addicted to her, you will be needy and desperate. And if you are needy or desperate, you will never be able to approach her from a position of strength.

How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend?

If you’ve made any of the mistakes that push her away; then no contact is the perfect way to reset everything before you start rebuilding attraction with her.

Even if you have not made any of the mistakes above; no contact is still very important because you want to give your ex some time to process the breakup and miss you.

When you stop contacting your ex; you will instantly become less needy and desperate in her eyes.

Later; you are going to turn that doubt into a fact by showing her how you’ve changed, and how things will be different when you get her back.

Should I tell her that I am doing no contact?

If you and your ex are on talking terms right now; you can tell her that you need some space and time and you don’t want her to contact you.

Hopefully; she will understand (and will be impressed and confused) and leave you alone. If she doesn’t respect your wishes; then you will just have to ignore her calls and texts.

Wouldn’t this make her want to move on?

Maybe. But just because she wants to move on doesn’t mean she will. In fact, in most cases, this will make her want you more.

Remember how you were pushing her away when you kept contacting her and telling her how you love her and will give the world to be with her?

Well, by doing no contact you are pulling back and it’s going to make her want to push. In other words, it’s going to make her miss you and want you in your life. This is what I call the push pull dynamics of a breakup.

Besides, you are not doing this forever, you will only do this for a short while as we will discuss in just a moment.

What if she finds another boyfriend during no contact?

Even if she dates someone else during no contact; it will probably be a rebound and you can still win her back. (Read about rebounds and winning her back from a rebound.)

How Long Should You Do No Contact For?

Ideally, you should do no contact until you have finished stage 1 and stage 2 of this mission to get her back permanently.

That means you should do no contact at least until you have stopped panicking, regained your composure and figured out how to defeat the little devils (Stage 2). It can take from two weeks to three months. Read this article on no contact rule to figure out how much no contact is ideal for you.

If you are confused, I recommend you set a time limit of at least 30 days.

Actionable Steps to Take

  •  Mark Your Calendar 30 days from now with the text “I can contact my ex girlfriend now”.
  • If you and your ex are speaking to each other regularly. Text her the following or something similar. “Hey, I don’t want to come off as rude or anything, but I need some time and space to heal from the breakup and focus on myself. This is why I think I think we both shouldn’t speak to each other for a while. I hope you understand.”

B) Grieve During No Contact

You lost someone you truly love and wanted to be with. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.

When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.

Breakup Grief is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you will feel like crap and sometimes you will feel much better about yourself.

The key is to let yourself feel the emotions and still keep working on yourself. If you feel like crying; let it out. If you feel anger; shout out loud.

But remember to always balance it out and always keep in mind that you need to become a better version of yourself if you want her back.

Occasionally, you must pick yourself up and realize that there is much more to life than relationships and breakup.

You must remind yourself that life will keep throwing challenges at you. You must learn to pick yourself up and get back in the game.

You need to keep moving forward. Here’s a video I recommend you watch when you are feeling down.

4. Accept the Breakup (optional until Stage 3)

Ultimately, you need to reach “The Acceptance” stage of the breakup. That means you need to accept that your ex girlfriend broke up with you and your past relationship is over.

You can start a new relationship with her and that relationship may be an amazing one. But the past relationship is over, and there is nothing you can do about it.

For a lot of guys reading this; the idea of accepting the breakup will be a tough one. You may even trick yourself into thinking that you have accepted the breakup when you are secretly still hoping that things will go back to the way they were.

So, consider this as an optional objective for now. That means, you can move on to Stage 2 without completing this objective. But you need to finish this objective before you move on to Stage 3.

5. Spend Time with Your Loved Ones (optional)

One of the reasons our minds panic so hard after a breakup is because of our deep rooted fear of being alone. Of being left out in the world. Of never being loved.

But chances are; you have a lot of people in your life that love you, care about you, and want you to be happy.

Your friends and family can be a very effective healing tool. When you spend time with them and notice how they care about you and love you; your sub-conscious mind will calm down realizing that you are not alone in this world. That you are loved, and you will survive even if you have lost your ex.

This part is optional because a lot of guys don’t have loving families. Some guys don’t even have very close friends. If that’s the case with you; fret not. You can still get your ex girlfriend back.

But you must make a note in your mind to make new friends whom you like and can get close to, when you are ready in the future.

Common Pitfalls: Taking Too Long To Implement No Contact

A lot of guys feel that they can convince their ex girlfriend to come back and they don’t need to do no contact. If you think like that, you must understand that even though you might be successful in getting her back; you will most likely fail in keeping her permanently.

Unless you follow Stage 2 of this guide; there’s a very good chance you and your ex will breakup again after getting back together. I have seen this happen to my readers and clients over and over again. And I would hate to see it happen to you.

Stage 2: The Inner Demons aka focus on yourself

Stage 2 - Inner Demons

Objectives:

  1. Figure Out What Caused the Breakup
    • a)Figure Out a Solution to What Caused the Breakup
  2. Figure out if she is worth getting back.
  3. Become a Better Version of Yourself
    • a) Become More Confident
    • b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
    • c) Become more Physically Attractive (optional)
    • d) Become more Socially Attractive (optional)
    • e) Become More Mindful or Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)
  4. Bonus: Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Miss You During No Contact(optional)

As you can see from the objectives above; this stage of getting your ex girlfriend back is all about you.

In my opinion, this is the most important stage of this mission. It’s not one of those stages where you can just enter a tunnel in the beginning and can skip it right to the next stage (I am looking at you Mario).

If you fail at this stage; you will most likely fail at getting your ex girlfriend back permanently. Even if you somehow manage to get her back for the time being, I am quite positive you will break up again in the future.

Yes, that’s how important this stage is.

We are going to go through each of the objectives of this stage and then we are going to list out some of the common pitfalls that most guys face during this stage.

1) Figure out what caused the breakup

The first thing after you have calmed down in Stage 1 is to try to figure out what caused the breakup.

I don’t want you to think about what your ex girlfriend told you at the time of breaking up with you. She might have used one of those bogus generic lines like

“It’s not you, it’s me”.

“I am just not in love with you anymore.”

“I think of us as more like friends”

“I just don’t see a future with you.”

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might not be aware of what caused the breakup.

I am going to try to list out some of the most common reasons here that you may be able to relate to.

She Does Not Feel Attracted to You Anymore

This will be the case for most of the guys reading this article. Here are a few examples of when a girl loses attraction for you.

  1. You always showered her with affection.
  2. You gave her whatever she wanted.
  3. You were needy, insecure, controlling, jealous or manipulative

In most cases; if your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you towards the end of your relationship; it was because you were needy, insecure and were not confident.

If you feel she broke up with you out of nowhere, then there is a good chance it’s because of this reason.

In fact, all the three reasons mentioned above are a direct result of insecurity.

Showing too Much Affection

In most cases, when you show your girlfriend too much affection; it’s not coming out of the love you have for her. It’s coming out of your fear of losing her and being alone.

Don’t get me wrong; you should show affection to your girlfriend. If you love her; you should show her. For me, there is nothing more joyful than making my girlfriend happy and laugh with joy.

But most guys (whose girlfriend leaves them) are not genuine in showing affection. If you are showing affection just because you want something in return (sex, appreciation, acceptance, end an argument without resolving it); it’s going to come off as insincere.

And slowly; she is going to realize that you are not doing it because you mean it. But because you sub consciously want something in return. And if she starts feeling like that; every time you show her affection; it’s going to make her a little bit less attracted towards you. Every time you say something sweet to her, it’s going to make her feel you want something in return.

A lot of times; your girlfriend won’t even realize this is happening. She will slowly feel like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and breakup with you.

You Gave her Whatever She Wanted

Again, giving your ex-girlfriend what she wants is not really a deal breaker. It’s your intention behind giving her what she wants that matters.

For example, suppose you are having an argument about you always trying to control her. And instead of trying to understand her, you go out and buy her a necklace that she wanted for a while.

She is excited and forgets about the argument.

Win win, right?

Wrong. You avoided a serious issue in the relationship. You avoided a serious issue in yourself. And that festered inside her.

If you want to give something your ex-girlfriend; do it out of your heart and do it because you want to do it without getting anything in return.

Guys who are insecure, controlling and secretly manipulative; are always trying to control the situation by giving their girlfriend something and hoping to get something in return. This creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship and their girlfriends end up losing attraction for them.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Control and Manipulation

Like I said in the above two scenarios. Insecurity, jealousy, control and manipulation are present in almost every unhealthy relationship. If your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you by the end of your relationship; there’s a good chance you exhibited these traits in the relationship.

As you are going through this stage; I want you to think back and figure out when you did something for your ex girlfriend that had an ulterior motive behind it.

  • Did you buy her gifts because you were afraid she was going to leave you?
  • Did you avoid a serious issue by showering her with affection?
  • Did you act controlling because you were afraid she will fall for some other guy?
  • Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?

If you are just reading this article a few days after your breakup, it might be a bit too much for you to think all this through right now. So, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it at a later stage when you have calmed down and can think rationally.

How to Fix Loss of Attraction and Get Her Back?

You can make your ex girlfriend attracted to you again easily once you learn how to fix the deep rooted insecurity that pushed her away.

The thing is, it’s not very easy to fix this deep rooted insecurity that most guys have.

We will talk about this in the next section when we talk about becoming more confident.

She Does not See a Future with You (and She Lost Connection)

A lot of times, your ex-girlfriend may have broken up with you because she does not feel a connection with you anymore. This is usually the case when you were together for a very long time (more than a year).

If she does not feel a connection with you, she will leave you because she does not see a future with you.

She might still be attracted to you. She might still feel that you are a confident attractive guy. But she does NOT SEE HERSELF BEING WITH YOU IN THE LONG TERM. She just thinks that you are both not compatible.

An emotional connection can be lost for the following reasons.

  1. You and your ex-girlfriend lost the spark. You neglected her for too long and took her for granted.
  2. You had too much fights and disagreements. You didn’t know how to communicate effectively and understand each other.
  3. Your life goals do not align with each other.

All the above reasons are self-explanatory, so I am not going to go in detail.

How to Get Her Back If Your Ex Girlfriend Lost Connection?

If you fall in this category; there’s a good chance your first instinct will be to tell her that you will do things differently this time. For example,

  • If you neglected her; you will want to tell her that you will spend more time with her if she gives you another chance.
  • If you and her both wanted different things in life; you will want to tell her that you will compromise and give her whatever she wanted (marriage, kids etc.)

However, telling her that things will change WILL NOT WORK.

The fact is, your ex girlfriend does not feel a connection with you anymore. And if she does not feel a connection with you; then it will not matter to her what you are willing to do for her.

Before you can show her how things have changed; you first need to rebuild attraction and connection with her. We will get into that in stage 4 of this article.

You Cheated Or Hurt Your Ex Girlfriend

Some guys reading this page might have done something that hurt their ex girlfriend terribly. These may include

  • You cheated on her
  • You were abusive to her (verbally or physically)
  • You betrayed her trust in some way (monetary or emotional cheating)

How to get her back if you cheated on her, or did something to hurt her?

The key to winning your ex-girlfriend back in this situation is to show her a ray of hope before anything else.

And the best way to show her a ray of hope is to accept where you screwed up, figure out why you did it and work on understanding yourself.

The fact is, if you hurt her once; there’s a good chance you will hurt her again. And if you don’t trust yourself enough to not hurt her again, then she wouldn’t either.

So, work on understanding yourself and learn to trust yourself. Getting therapy or joining a support group (sex addicts, alcohol anonymous, anger management etc.) is a great way to do that.

This will show her you are serious about change and it will give her a ray of hope that things may be different in the future. (Read: Get your ex back after you cheated.)

Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationships are a tough one. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up because of long distance; then you are in for an uphill battle.

Long Distance often causes a couple to lose attraction, lose connection or betray of trust. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up due to long distance; it’s probably because one of the above reasons happened. If that’s the case; you will have to apply the tactics mentioned above for each case.

2. Figure Out If She Is Worth Getting Back

If you are reading this article immediately after a breakup; your response might be,

“Of course, she is worth getting back. I love her, and she is one in a million.”

But you are seeing her through the rose colored lenses of post breakup denial. This is why I have included this task in stage 2 of this mission.

Once you have accepted the breakup and have gone through grief after a breakup, you will need to figure out whether she is worth it. Here is one article that will help you do that. And read below for some actionable tips about this.

Actionable Tips

  • Write down 5 things about your ex that you don’t like.
  • Write down 3 things about your ex that need to change for you to have a healthy and happy relationship with her. (For example, She needs to be better at communicating or She needs to stop flirting with other guys)

Note: If you can’t think of any of these things; you need to finish Stage 1 of this article and come back here after about 2 weeks.

3. Become A Better Version of Yourself

What happened in your past relationship with your ex-girlfriend is past. When you get back together; it’s going to be a better relationship. Because YOU are going to be a better version of yourself.

a) Become More Confident

Being confident is the number one quality that will attract your ex girlfriend , ex wife or ex fiancé back. However, confidence isn’t something that can be built in a day.

In fact, the insecurity that pushed your ex away and caused her to break up with you, is the result of years of negative feedback you received from the world and yourself.

You can’t just undo all that in a day. And if you fake it; your ex girlfriend will eventually see through it and start thinking of you as manipulative.

Thankfully, you have enough time to work on your confidence during the no contact period.

Soon, I’ll release a course on rebuilding your confidence to get your ex girlfriend back. So check back on this space later to figure out how to rebuild confidence during no contact.

b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

This is very important if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you due to loss of connection. Or if you both argued constantly and could never come to a reasonable conclusion.

One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is proper communication. If you can be a pro at handling conflict with your girlfriend; each fight you have will bring you closer together.

If you learn to empathize and understand her on a deep level; the connection she will feel with you will be unparalleled.

So, work on these two skills as they are very important in not only getting her back, but keeping her permanently.

c) Become More Attractive Physically (Optional)

This objective is optional for one very simple reason. Your ex girlfriend was physically attractive to you at one point of time. So, she will be attracted to you again.

Working on your physical appearance does have a few advantages though.

  • You will feel more confident.
  • Getting a fresh look will give the impression that you are a new person.
  • Working out will release endorphins that will make you feel happier.

Actionable Steps To Take

  • Go to the gym at least 20 days during the no contact period
  • Increase the maximum weight you can squat with by 15 kg
  • Get a new haircut
  • Get Your teeth cleaned
  • Get new clothes

d) Become More Socially Attractive (optional)

This is again an optional objective because it’s not necessary to win your ex-girlfriend back permanently. But it sure helps.

Being socially active helps you regain your confidence and realize that your ex isn’t the only person in the world for you. If you spend time with your friends and other girls, you will feel better about yourself and realize other girls are interested in you as well.

Actionable Steps to Become More Socially Attractive

  • Approach 5 girls that you are attracted to. Speak to them and let them know that you find them attractive with confidence.
  • Go out with your friends at least on two weekends.
  • Go out for a road trip or a vacation with your friends.

e) Become More Mindful and Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)

Your awareness level is the most underrated skill. Most people don’t spend any time working on it and developing it (video game lingo: spend XP points on it). But it can have a huge effect on your happiness, your confidence, your well-being and your relationships.

Needless to say, it helps you become a better version of yourself and will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back.

Actionable Tips

  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes for 21 days continuously.

f) Work on Your Life Goals or a Passion (optional)

Having life goals and a passion is not only attractive to girls; it’s also a huge confidence booster and therapeutic. If you are working on something you care about; your mind will focus on only that and you will forget about everything else.

Moreover, working on things that you care about will give you something to speak with your ex when you end no contact.

Guys who are passionate about things other than their girlfriends are instantly seen as more confident and less insecure.

Actionable Tips

  1. Figure out one hobby, career goal or life goal that you are interested in or passionate about. It should be something that you can get better at and eventually become an expert at. Something that you can become the best in your town at if you work hard enough or long enough.
  2. Spend at least 10 hours a week working on it.

 

Bonus: Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Miss You During No Contact (Optional)

This objective is again optional. The reason is simple; the no contact period is more about you and less about your ex girlfriend. Getting her to miss you will help you in the short term but is not very effective over the long term.

If you want to get her back permanently; it’s important that the above objective are your priorities. If you sacrifice your priorities because you are trying to get her to miss you; you will suffer in the long run.

Getting her to miss you is a nice side effect you can achieve by putting in a little more effort.

Actionable Tips To Get Her To Miss You.

  1. Post a maximum of 5 Socially Active posts on Facebook, WhatsApp status, snapchat, or twitter during no contact period. More than that will make her think that you are just doing it to manipulate her.
  2. Post a maximum of 5 positive thinking and self-improvement posts on social media.
  3. Add 7 new girls as your friend on Facebook.

Common Pitfall: Obsessing over her in an effort to get your ex girlfriend to miss you

A lot of times, guys start obsessing over whether or not their ex girlfriend misses them.

  • Does she miss me?
  • She posted a snapchat story about a toy that I gave her; is she thinking about me?
  • Does she still love me?
  • I posted a status and she liked it, does it mean she is over me?

If that’s you, you need to understand that your priority during no contact is to heal and become a better version of yourself. If you try to play this game of social media jealousy with her, you will lose.

If you find yourself obsessing over this, do not do anything to make your ex miss you. Instead, just stay away from social media altogether during no contact.

Common Pitfall 2: Thinking that you don’t need to make any changes

Listen man, it doesn’t matter how awesome you are, how many girls are drooling over you, or how much you can bench press.

The truth is, everyone can and should strive to improve themselves and become a better version of yourself.

Stage 3: Dragon of Resistance aka Your Ex Girlfriend’s Consistency

Stage 3 - Your Ex Girlfriend's Resistance

Objectives:

  1. Get Your Ex to Speak to You Normally
  2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh At Least Once

The objectives of this stage are pretty straight forward. Get Her to speak to you again normally. Get her to smile or laugh at something you said at least once.

This stage is called the dragon of resistance because there is a big dragon which is guarding her from opening up to you and giving you a chance to rebuild attraction.

This is no doubt the toughest battle in this mission. Most guys end up failing at this stage.

The resistance she has is based on the following assumptions.

  1. My ex will try to manipulate me and do anything just to get me back.
  2. He will try to act casual even if he is miserable inside.
  3. He will try to get me to meet with him so he can beg or plead.
  4. He has not really changed and neither have I; and if I get back with him, things will go back to the way they were.

These are all very valid reasons to not speak to you. In fact, if any of that is true; I would not advise your ex gf to reply to you if you contacted her.

But hopefully; we have taken care of this in Stage 1 and Stage 2 of getting her back. By now, you are a better version of yourself. You are more confident and you are sure that things will be different when you both get back together.

In this stage; your goal is just to address the first three assumptions that your ex-girlfriend has. You can show her how things will be different later when you are speaking to each other regularly.

It’s very important that you do this correctly. If you mess up here; your ex girlfriend will put up her defenses instantly and you will have to do no contact again for a month or two before trying again.

Here’s how to do that.

1. Get Her to Speak to you Normally

There can be two scenarios in this case. Either you and your ex left on good terms. Or you acted in a way that left a sour taste in her mouth about you.

In either case; it’s definitely a good idea to wipe the slate clean so you can make her feel comfortable speaking to you again.

I speak about this in my article on texting your ex-girlfriend again here. I call this the elephant in the room approach. You acknowledge the elephant in the room by stating everything that happened and apologize for it.

Basically, you address four main points when you contact her first.

  1. You apologize about anything that you did that came off as needy, desperate or manipulative.
  2. You acknowledge the fact that you weren’t your best self after the breakup.
  3. You acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the breakup.
  4. You give a small glimpse of whatever new is happening in your life.

There are three mediums you can use to do this.

  1. A Hand-Written Letter
  2. Text Messages
  3. Email

Once you have contacted her using this method; it’s time to leave her alone for a while. At least for five days.

When you don’t contact her after sending her this text; it will prove to her that you are serious about accepting the breakup and are not just saying this to get her back.

What if she replies?

There’s a good chance your ex will reply to you. If she does; you are free to talk to her. But don’t overdo it just yet. She still might have her defenses up and if you act desperate or needy in any way; it will confirm her doubts.

If she replies; you should speak to her but don’t try to rebuild attraction or make her laugh yet. Just end the conversation on a light note and make her feel good about it.

 

Actionable Steps

  1. Draft an elephant in the room message for your ex using the above guidelines.
  2. Get me to take a look at your draft and give suggestions. (Option coming soon)
  3. Mark your calendar for 5 days after you’ve sent the elephant in the room text.

 

2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh at something you said.

If your ex girlfriend laughs or smiles at something you said, you can be sure that she has eased up around you and will give you a chance to rebuild attraction and connection.

Here’s are some ways to do this.

Use a Past Memory

Think of something that you both enjoyed. And use it to your advantage. This could be a TV show, a youtube channel, a videogame or a coffee shop.

Think something funny about it or think of something a pleasant memory. And then just text her about it. Here’s an example;

“Remember that burger place we used to frequent? Well; I just remembered how I once almost reached the hall of fame for finishing the super large burger when we were drunk and threw up all of it only minutes later. You made fun of me for hours. Good times.”

Think of a Joke

What’s funny and wants his ex girlfriend back?

The person reading this article.

Okay, that wasn’t my best joke. But I am sure you can do something better than that. More importantly, you probably know what tickles her funny bone. So, think of a joke that you think she will find funny and send it to her.

It’s important that you do this after she has replied to you at least once.

Stage 4: The Climb of Connection aka connecting with your ex girlfriend

Stage 4 - Connecting With Your Ex Girlfriend

Objectives:

  1. Increase frequency and intensity of conversations
  2. Understand Your Ex on a Deeper Level (Use the Solution from Stage 2)
  3. Get Her to Meet You

A deep connection is the difference between lovers who stay together forever and lovers who are together for only a short while.

If you can learn to develop a deep connection with the woman you love; you are going to etch yourself in her heart like no one else before you. You will be able to turn even the biggest flaker into a loyal, loving girlfriend.

1. Increase Frequency and intensity of your interaction with her

You want to slowly increase the amount of time you and your ex girlfriend speak. Once you are able to make her smile or laugh; she should be open to hear more from you.

To do that, you must take initiative and start texting her more often.

However, you must not overdo it as overdoing it will make you look needy or desperate.

Here’s a sample timeline you can follow for this.

  • Day 1: text her something funny. end the conversation shortly after that
  • Day 2: Don’t text her
  • Day 3: Don’t text her
  • Day 4: Speak to her casually. Make the conversation a little longer than usual.
  • Day 5: Text Her Casually about something you spoke on Day 4. Continue the conversation for 5 minutes and end it saying you have to go somewhere.
  • Day 6: Don’t text her.
  • Day 7: Don’t text her.
  • Day 8: Ask her about her weekend. Talk about your weekend and something that happened.
  • Day 9: Speak about your goals and passions. Encourage her to do the same.
  • Day 10: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 11: Talk to her for as long as you can. Don’t let the conversation get boring. If it does; end the conversation.
  • Day 12: same as day 11
  • Day 13: Same as day 11
  • Day 14: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 15: Don’t Text Her until she contacts you.
  • Day 16: Same as Day 11
  • Day 17: Start texting her and try to take the conversation to a phone call.

 

Actionable Objectives to aim for

  1. Speak to her on text messages or on a phone call for half an hour.
  2. Get her to laugh out loud.
  3. Get her to initiate contact with you at least three times.

 

Understand Your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level

To do that; you must first make an effort to understand your ex girlfriend better than anyone else. Better yet, you need to understand her better than she understands herself.

If you can achieve that level, you can rest assured that your ex girlfriend will want to stay with you forever.

Here are a few topics that you should speak about to make her feel understood and connected with you.

1. Life Goals

Talk about things she is passionate about. About the things she cares about. To get her to start talking about things that she cares about; you should start talking about the things that matter to you and you are passionate about.

You can also use creative questions to do this for you. Here’s an example;

“If you can change any thing about your professional life, what would it be?”

Your Ex GF: “Well, I would try to find a way to include dancing in it somehow. But I don’t think that’s possible considering I work in Marketing. lol”

You: “Yeah, you are an amazing dancer. I loved that show you did at the club house. Man, I wish I were that good. How did you become so good at it?”

2. Childhood

Our childhood is the deepest corner of our psyche that pretty much rules our adult life. Talking about your childhood and how it affected you is a great way to understand yourself and your ex girlfriend on a deeper level. Again, use creative questions like;

“Were you closer to your father or your mother?”

or “I loved my granny house in the summer. It was an amazing family time for me. Did you have a place your family went to for summer vacations?”

3. Other negative relationships

Friends, family, coworker. Finding common enemy is a great way to make friends. You can use this to your advantage. Speak about the person she likes the least and try to understand why she dislikes her or him. By validating her negative emotions about this person; you will make her feel understood.

4. Her Feelings for You and your past relationship

Chances are; your ex still has feelings for you. She might also have some negative feelings about the breakup or the reasons that lead to the breakup. Getting her to talk about these things can work to your advantage if you do it right.

Even if she talks about something negative about you or your past relationship; you should not take it a bad sign. If she is sharing something with you (even if it’s negative); it means that she is trying to convince herself to get back together.

It’s actually a good sign. You can prove to her that you have really changed by remaining calm and handling conflict and negative feelings like a pro.

But, it can also affect you badly if you are not prepared. This is why it’s important that you get your shit together as mentioned in stage 2 of this guide.

Actionable Objectives to Aim For

  1. Get Her to open up about her past
  2. Get her to talk about her feelings for someone else (negative or positive)
  3. Get her to share her feelings for you (negative or positive). Make sure you know how to handle it if it’s negative.
  4. Get her to speak about one positive or negative experience from your relationship
  5. Use the solution from Stage 2 to your advantage.

Get Her to Meet You

Getting her to meet you should be easy if you build a strong connection with her over texts and phone calls first. In fact, if you do it right; there’s a good chance she will talk about meeting you (or at least give you a strong hint that she wants to meet you).

If she doesn’t, then you should ask her out. Don’t think too much about it. Just tell her that you want to meet up with her for a coffee.

It’s important that you don’t call this a date as it might get her to put up her defenses.

A face to face meetup is your ultimate opportunity to increase attraction, connection and trust with her. But you should not rush into it. You should be speaking to her for at least a couple weeks before you ask her out.

Places to ask her out for

  • Coffee
  • Beer
  • Shopping
  • Concerts
  • Events

What if she says no?

If she refuses or is hesitant; give her a little nudge. Something like “Come on, it’s just coffee.” If she still says no; back off for a little bit.

What if she flakes at the last moment?

If your ex girlfriend cancels meeting you at the last moment (because of a genuine reason or a flaky one), then there’s a good chance she is skeptical about this or she thinks meeting you is a big deal. There’s also a chance that she is in a rebound or she is thinking of dating someone else.

In this case, just focus on rebuilding connection with her on phone and ask her out again after a week. If you suspect she is dating someone else; read this article to figure out what to do.

Actionable Steps

  1. Figure out which place will be best suitable to ask her out to.
  2. Ask her out and get a yes.

Common Pitfall: Ending Up in the dreaded friendzone

If you are in this stage, you risk ending up in the friend zone. This usually happens to guys who are too afraid to speak about difficult topics and try to stay in the safe zone.

In other words, this usually happens to guys who are too scared to lose her. Who are scared that the wrong move will make her stop talking to you. Who are scared that if you screw up, she will block you and never speak to you again.

If you look at it from another angle, this happens to guys who are still insecure at this stage and have no confidence. Guys who have put their ex girlfriend on a pedestal and refuse to let her down.

If she feels that you are too timid and really want her in your life to feel good about yourself; she will keep you in her life; but as a friend.

She loved you and probably cares about you; but she will not get back with you out of pity. She will keep you as a friend and use you for emotional support though.

So how do you stay away from your ex friendzoning you?

The first thing I will ask you to do is read Stage 2 of this guide. If you are confident and secure in yourself; she will probably not think of you as friendzone material in the first place.

But, if you still feel like she is using you to just dump all her emotional baggage without giving you anything in return; do the following.

1. Have an equal relationship: If she uses you for emotional support, use her as emotional support. If she talks about her feelings; you should also spend enough time talking about your feelings. If she asks you to pick her up from the airport; ask her to do the same.

2. Don’t let her disrespect you or cross any boundaries: If she starts talking about how she is attracted to the guy in the gym; don’t give her advice on asking him out. Instead; set a boundary. Tell her that even though she has all the right to do what she wants; you still have feelings for her and you don’t want to speak about this. You are not her girlfriend and she can’t discuss these things with you. Yes, she might stop talking to you for a while, but she will respect you more for it and will probably start talking again when she misses the connection you both have.

Common Pitfall: Asking Her Out Too Soon

A lot of guys make the mistake of asking your ex-girlfriend out as soon as they start speaking to her.

If you ask her out too soon, she is going to put up her defenses and will become reluctant. There’s a good chance she will say no.

It’s important that you build up enough attraction and connection over the phone before asking her out.

Common Pitfall: Letting her get a rise out of you

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend will do or say things that she knows will make you angry. She will try to get you to react and act the way you acted in your past relationship. It’s important that you remain calm in these situations.

If something makes you angry or upset, you should address it, but you should not do it the way you used to do. You should breathe, calm down and tell her clearly what makes you upset and what are your boundaries.

Stage 5: The Final Boss aka Get Her Back Already

Stage 5 - Getting Her Back

Objectives:

  1. Ask Her Out on a Second Date
  2. Get Her to Agree to give it another shot
  3. Keep Her for Good (if she is worth it)

Alright mates, this is the final boss. The moment you have been waiting for. Because when you meet her, you will have the ultimate opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how things will be different this time.

1. Asking Her Out on a second date

When you meet her, you should have just one goal in mind. To get her to agree to second date.

The first time you meet her, she will be testing the water.

Can I really have a fun time with him?

Has he really changed?

Is this all just a ruse to get me back in that same miserable relationship?

Is he going to pressure me into getting back together?

She is going to be skeptical about a lot of things. And for good reasons. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.

And it’s your job to put her at ease. It’s your job to get her to enjoy her time with you.

Here are a few pointers –

Talking about the breakup and the relationship

If your first meeting ends up with both of you just talking about the breakup and your past relationship; it will look like that you are both meeting just to get closure.

Instead, you should use this time to talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. You should talk about the good times and good memories. And you should have a good time together and create good memories together.

But, it’s also important that you don’t try to avoid something serious that’s on her mind. If she wants to talk about something that happened during the breakup or your past relationship; you should be willing to talk about it.

You should be able to resolve the issue swiftly so you can get back to having a good time with her.

Don’t be afraid of negativity or arguments

A lot of time, guys try to avoid any difficult topics because they are scared their ex girlfriend will become upset and the date will go badly. In an effort to avoid making their ex girlfriend upset or starting an argument; they will just agree to her point of view even if they don’t.

This is how you get friendzoned.

Instead, learn how to handle arguments and negativity in a conversation. Learn how to understand her without patronizing her. Learn how to be an adult in a difficult situation.

Continue the date Further

If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. You should take the lead and ask her to join you for something else.

If you just finished coffee, ask her to accompany you to a pub nearby.

If you just finished shopping, ask her to have coffee and cake with you.

If you just finished dinner; ask her to catch a movie with you.

Use Kino and do intimate actions as Much as You Can

Kino is simply a term that is used to describe the art of touching. You want to have physical contact with you ex girlfriend as much as possible during this date.

Hold her hand when you are crossing the street.

Touch her shoulders or arms when she says something funny.

You should also use intimate actions as much as you can. Actions that only couples do with each other. For example,

Use a tissue to wipe something off her face.

Ask her to taste your food and feed her from your spoon.

Don’t ask her out on a second date just yet.

Your job is to show her a great time and show her that you have changed and are well equipped for a healthy relationship. You don’t want to end the date with asking her on a second date. Instead, you want to let this experience linger in her mind for a while.

You want her to go home and think.

“That was great. I want to do it again.”

Hopefully, she will talk about doing it again herself. If she does, set up a date and time immediately.

If she doesn’t; wait a couple days and ask her out again.

Actionable Objectives

  • Take her to second venue on the same date
  • Hold her hand for more than 10 seconds in a romantic way

2. Get Her To Agree To Give You Another Shot

If you have done everything right till now, it should be easy to get her to give you another shot. This is like the final boss fight in a very long video game.

Just like you would stock up on potions and ammo before a final boss fight; you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking her to be your girlfriend again.

Let it be Her Idea

Ideally, you want it to be her idea to want to get back together. But if you and your ex girlfriend have been going on dates for a long time (at least a month); then you should take the plunge and ask her.

Here’s a simple way to ask her to be your girlfriend again,

“Hey, I know our past relationship ended badly. And I am as skeptical about the future as you are. But spending the past few weeks with you have been very nice and I have a good feeling about this. Do you want to give us another try? Maybe take things slow, and see how it goes?”

Be Skeptical

Note, that you don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend again. You want to ask her to agree to take things slow.

You should be as skeptical about getting back together as she is. After all, you both broke up once. And you don’t want to end up in a heartbreak again. So, if you two decide to get back together, take things slow and analyze your new relationship before committing to it completely.

Use EPB Basics E-course

Like I said before, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking your ex girlfriend to get back together with you. To do so, you should follow this article in its entirety. Specially Stage 2 and Stage 4.

I’ve designed the EBP Basics E-course to help you get through Stage 2 of this article. It will send you an email everyday for the next 30 days to help you become a better version of yourself. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.

Actionable Objectives

  • Ask her to give it another try using the template mentioned above
  • Subscribe to the EBP Basics E-course by taking this quiz

Common Pitfall: Getting angry if she doesn’t agree to get back together

If she says no to getting back together, you shouldn’t get angry and/or make all the mistakes mentioned in the stage 1 of this article.

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might say no initially when you talk about getting back together. But sometimes, they change their mind after a few days.

If she says no, it’s important you stay calm and composed. Give her a few days time and then start rebuilding attraction and connection again.

If she still says no the second time, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

 

3. Keep Her for Good

Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.

Keep working on improving the connection

Just because you have her doesn’t mean you should stop working on the connection you have with her.

Romantic connection is like a plant. If you don’t water it for a week, it will wither but survive. If you don’t water it for a month, it will lose it shine, look terrible, but still be alive.

But if you neglect it for several months, it will die.

Keep working on your confidence individually

Having someone love you is a great confidence booster. but if you are just depending on your girlfriend for validity, approval and love; she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.

This is why it’s important that you keep working on your self-esteem and your confidence even after you get her back. Read Stage 2 of this guide to understand how to do that.

Be honest and communicate well

Honesty and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you learn how to be honest and communicate effectively in your relationship, then every time you both have an argument, it will just bring you both closer. Yes, you will get closer every time you have a disagreement.

So, learn the skills needed for that. (Again, join the EBP Basics E-course for that).

Actionable Tips

  • Go on a date with your girlfriend at least twice a month.
  • Work on your passions for at least 10 hours a month.

Common Pitfalls: Getting Complacent

Getting complacent is the number one reason most guys end up losing the love of their life. You may get complacent about yourself. Or about your relationship.

Life is all about challenges. Even if you successfully win her back, you should still strive for bigger and greater things. You should strive to build a stronger foundation and a better relationship with her.

Even if you think you are confident at this point, you should still strive to become a better version of yourself. You should still work on things that matter to you, including your passions and your life goals.

Conclusion:

This article is long. If you have read it so far, I commend you for your dedication. It means you are truly serious about getting her back and keeping her.

There’s a good chance you will need to refer to this article again and again in the upcoming months, so I recommend you bookmark it so you can come back here easily.

And don’t forget to join the EBP Basics E-course. I share a lot of information over emails to my subscribers. You will not regret it. Take this quiz to subscribe.

Good luck!

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13 comments ...add one

  • Tami

    I was LD dating a man for half an year. We have met once, and he said he wants to be my boyfriend but we reached the agreement to define the relationship when we meet in person. We havne't been there because things have changed and we just stopped 2 weeks ago.

    To keep it short, I randomly discovered his ex-wife's FB, posting past wedding photos and still with the profile picture of them up. But he denied he's got married before but only engaged. Then he broke up with me-a non breakup breakup actually. Few days later, I found his ex has blocked my faebook, but I know she hasn't taken down the profile picture. Obviously they're still in contact.

    I'm sure he was much serious about me to building a long-term relationship with me, but I'm very confused why he lied about his past marriage. There must be a reason behind, and I hope it's not because he is a romance liar. The puzzle is lingering in my head that I can hardly move on.

    Been in no contact since he wished me the best. Am struggled now because there're some reasons I do want to get him back, yet his lies has keeping me from contacting him again.
    I think I will text him first after no contact period end, mainly to find out the confusing truth.
    But asking him directly could highly shut him down again.

    What's your thought on this? Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, it could either be that he didn't feel comfortable telling you since you guys had only met once, or that you're right and he is a romance liar. Either way, if there's an ex-wife involved in the situation and is still in contact with him, it might be a better idea to continue with NC before deciding anything. If he's going to shut down again at the fact that you ask him about his past, you should walk away from this since it's going to be hard to trust him and confidence that what he says is the truth (especially in a LDR)

      Reply
  • Shawn. I

    My ex and I broke up 3 months ago and for 3 months I begged and pleaded her to get back with me. We broke up because I didn’t trust her when I should have and she broke up with me because she thought I didn’t trust her. She now says she just doesn’t want a relationship right now and I’m pretty sure she rebounded already but now seems to have gotten closer with a new different guy. We were best friends for 2 years and dated and were in love with eachother for 1.5 years. Last time I talked to her I told her how much I loved her but that our friendship was more important than a relationship. I’m now on day 16 of no contact and she hasn’t contacted me and seems to be hanging out more with the new guy but I don’t know for sure. Where do I go from here? How do I get her back into my life.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Complete the NC first and make your plans again from there. If you guys were best friends for 2 years and had a meaningful relationship, it wouldn't be possible for her to move on that quickly and completely disregard you unless she never felt the same way.

      Reply
  • ronin

    Hello Kevin!
    I'm 33, live in Eastern Europe, I'm a physicist by profession and I had a 5.5-year long relationship with a girl until six weeks ago...
    Although she's only a year younger than me she had only one prior relationship with a 57 year old man when she was about 25. Her father was abusive with her brother, sister and mother and I know she developed a "father issue"..
    Anyway, during our time together, I was never needy nor possessive; it was a farcry from her upbringing. As a personality trait, she was always jealous of the attention I receive from women even in ordinary nonsexual contexts.
    Now the bad part.

    In my country it's very difficult to find a well paid job as a Research Scientist so even if I'm quite confident as a man when it comes to women I've always felt quite lowly about myself when it came to my professional life as I've always did awkward jobs and never the research I wanted. Her, on the other hand, is a succesful cardiologist. This lead to my mistakes...my professional unhappiness turned me into a selfish person who neglected her on many occasions, made very little effort in showing my feelings for her and generally took on less and less responsibilities with her during the years.

    Last winter I got my PhD and two months ago I finally got the research job I wanted. This completely changed my behavior for the better but it was too late. Even if she was happy for me she said she reached the breaking point some time ago...she's been unhappy for a very long time and used this time to gather her courage to finally tell me she wants out of this relationship and wants to stay alone.
    She called me one evening to go to a restaurant with her where she ended our relationship. She accused me of not loving her, not taking on any responsibilities with her, not making any promises to her about marriage and moving together; beeing self-centered and never thinking about her needs. 

    I assumed all responsibility for my mistakes and during the following month I tried to warm her heart by writing a long apologising letter to which she responded that all the compromises in this relationship were made by her which in turn made her unhappy.

    I sent some flowers to her workplace to which she replied by saying she didn't break up with me to teach me a lesson but instead because she doesn't feel the same about me.
    I followed her two times to meet in person (with flowers); she was somewhat pleasantly surprised to see me each time and things got very emotional, we were both crying; I tried my best to tell her how sorry I am for all the hurt I've caused her, that things will be better now that I have a job and I'm a different person now.

    Bit by bit she started to acknowledge the fact that I truly love her, care about her and really want to make commitments with her but it's to late now and she firmly believes that I haven't really changed and will be the old self in less than a month.

    All this took a great toll on my health and combined with an urinal infection I developed working in humid conditions I lost 11 kg. Things got worse when I ended in an anaphylactic shock due to an alergy to a certain drug prescribed for my condition. She found out from a doctor friend and stayed the whole night with me until I was back on my feet again.

    I met her again the next day during my medical check-up, and between the lines told her that I believe in us and our future together.
    She told me that she's seeing someone for about a month, immediately after our break-up and will go with him on a 4-day trip which she eventually did. It all fell into place then...
    This man was giving her the courage and comfort to end our relationship a few weeks prior to our breakup when she started to act somewhat cold to me.
    I ended all contact at that point and I'm now at day 9 of no contact.

    I want to tell you that I don't regret running after her during the last month for 2 reasons:

    1. I love her with all my heart and know that I didn't treat her right. Even my male friends accused me of beeing selfish with her.
    2. I didn't know about the other guy. Even if I felt infuriated in my mind that she chose to withhold this from me for over a month eventhough it's clear now she knew him before the breakup, if she would have told me then at that day at the restaurant I would have never pursued her and little by little changed her perspective about me. She now truly believes I love her although she's not convinced I've changed or can change and chose to stick with the other guy.

    P.S. On day 7 of no contact she called me but I didn't answer. Please advise!

    Reply
    • ronin

      I read the 5-step plan but I'm at a loss as to what to do exactly after NC. I've already sent her a long apologizing letter so I'm not sure about sending her the "elephant in the room" letter. As to texting her to gradually build up attraction I'm not sure how to proceed since we rarely texted but instead we used to call each other all the time during our time together.
      Any help from anyone will be greatly appreciated.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In that case, perhaps you could drop a call one day down the road if you feel things have settled down, and casually ask about a random topic that has relevance to her. For example, ask her the name of the restaurant you guys went before, or perhaps a recommendation for a present for your mom, etc. Work your way from random and casual topics and eventually maybe ask her out for a coffee.

      Reply
    • ronin

      Thank you Ryan for your kind attitude. I've realised today that I'm deluding myself. In 5 years with someone you get to know them quite a bit and I can tell you that nothing I can/will do will matter for her not now, not in a month nor in a year...she's very stubborn, she's forced on herself the notion that she'll never give us another chance and there's nothing I can do about it. She's a stranger to me, last time we saw before no contact she laughed when we talked as is we were mere acquaintances, avoided any atempts of mine to talk about us, etc...she's completely detached...

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you genuinely feel this way, it would be a better idea to walk away from this. Focus on recovery and generally improve yourself as a person. It's not entirely true that nothing you do will matter to her, but just that at this point she won't show it to you, but sometimes it's better to walk away than to remain caught up for an indefinite period without the option of moving on.

      Reply
    • ronin

      It's because of the other guy...I don't know what he promised or said to her. I know I hurt her deeply with my selfishness during the years and she wants to move on now. I don't know if I genuinely feel what I said earlier but at the moment I know I have to assume the worst than can happen, hit the bottom of the chasm in order to heal and climb back up...I don't have the luxury to think otherwise. She always loved, put me first, made all the compromises. I lost all the power, confidence and attraction I had in the relationship, although I know she's still sexually attracted to me. In your honest, professional opinion, no bullshit or marketing aside,do you really think her perceptions can again change in time to the better if I do the right things? You have to understand that now I assume the worst and try to live with it in order to heal...

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Acceptance is always a good thing. It allows you to focus on recovery instead of being in denial. I'm not trying to give you false hope or anything but rather, that you never know what may change. People eventually let go of past negative emotions, but just a matter of how long it may take. That shouldn't be your focus though (whether she forgives you), but as you say to aim to deal with it and move on. Whatever happens after, happens.

      Reply
  • Webster

    I am writing this with a heavy heart filled with regret over the past and anxiety for the future, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of six years and her daughter I considered my own in 2015 almost immediately when I took on a job offer somewhere else, it has almost been three years since I cheated, emotionally abusive, said the most horrific things to her like “she was a negative person in my life, the reason I never found peace, blamed her when things went wrong when I was with her, said she was bringing me down, told her my friends only saw me when we were fighting and other things like how she hold grudges and never lets go of the past, I basically painted her out as the witch, told her the break up was bound to happen”, I did the most discussing, regrettable and unacceptable things to her that even after so long still remembers every inch of a word, I failed to protect her when my family wrongfully accused her of things she didn’t say, she has given me ample opportunities before to communicate and make amend after the hard break, but I continued being mean, ignored each and every attempt she made, I messed up a lot when we were in a relationship, but she kept on forgiving me over and over, we went through thick and thin together, but when things changed for the better for me, I changed and left them for what I thought was the greener pasture, all because I felt a little abandoned when I was away.

    I was filled with so much pride that I had no room for humility, within the three years apart I thought I had moved on and been in and out of failed affairs. I have learned, and since the beginning of the year 2017 I remained single because I wanted to find and fix myself, and be certain of what I needed out of life. During the distant and the process of self-intervention/discovery I completely cut out the little contact I managed to get with them in January, after months of silence and ignorance finding out she has moved on and doing quite well for herself, I desperately want them back and feel she is the one for me, and I have a family in them, I have done all the above mentioned deadly mistakes; “CALLING AND TEXTING HER ALL THE TIME, SHOWERING HER WITH AFFECTION, FREAKING OUT WHEN DATING OR GOING OUT” to get them back and even went to her home unannounced to speak to her and try to amend things, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get them back, after going there she told me she tried to make things work and still cared about me before but eventually felt like I couldn't see how she felt, I was dumb-blinded before, I made forceful attempt to talk to her and she told me that “she has forgiven me but doesn’t want any relation with me, I should stop pestering, or trying to convince her otherwise, my chances with her are done, and if I want to restore the peace that is left in her for me, I will leave her alone and never come to her place again, me and her are done, I cannot force myself in her life and cannot force her into something she doesn’t want “We done”.

    I am obsessed with her and cannot stop thinking about her or texting her daily, I am even failing managing to eat the way I want them back, I have learned from my previous mistakes, suffered damages, I feel broken beyond repair, but became a better person from it all because of the struggles I have been through, I am ashamed of what I have done and has accepted what I caused, but I am a new version of me and want a new start and to spend my life with them, I love and I miss them very much, and would do anything to get her back

    Please help me, what can or should I do to win her love back?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Webster,

      I am sorry that you are going through this pain. The first thing you need to do is back off for a while. If she is dating someone else, you need to respect her new relationship and don't do anything that threatens it.

      I think your best bet is to do no contact again for a month and send her an elephant in the room text. Apologize for the way you acted (by showing up at her house), thank her for forgiving you for the past and tell her that you will love to have her in your life, even if it is as a friend because she means a lot to you. After that, don't contact her for another couple of weeks. Text her again and slowly take it from there.

      Reply

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