Unlike video games, you don’t get unlimited chances to win her back. You only get a handful of chances. And if you are not prepared, you will screw it up.

So how do you NOT SCREW UP this time?

If you want to get your ex girlfriend back, you need to take this as a mission. Almost like a video game. You achieve one goal at a time and move forward slowly. I’ll explain how to do that in a moment. But first, let me introduce myself and tell you a bit about why I am writing this.

My name is Kevin, and I’ve been helping people with breakups for almost 7 years now. I’ve helped thousands of guys just like you get their ex girlfriends back.

This article is everything I wish I had access to when I had my first breakup and wanted to get my ex girlfriend back.

When she broke my heart, left it in pieces and all I could think was how to win her back.

When I couldn’t eat or sleep for days.

When I woke up in the middle of the night crying and feeling lonely, with no one around me to give me good advise.

If only I knew back then what I know now. I hope no other guy feels so hopeless and helpless when they are going through a bad breakup. This is why I’ve made this article FREE for everyone to peruse.

But before you read forward, I want you to know that this guide is focused on winning her back and KEEPING HER in a healthy, long lasting relationship.

A relationship that both of you can enjoy in, thrive in and grow in together as lovers; for a very longtime.

This guide is not a trick or a bandage solution for your broken relationship. It’s not designed to get your ex girlfriend back immediately. It’s designed to get her back permanently.

What is this Article?

This article is your ultimate guide on how to win your ex girlfriend back. I’ve designed this article in stages. Just like in a video game.


If you and the girl you love just broke up, you are probably going through a lot of pain, heartache, grief, obsessiveness and confusion.

In fact, if you are reading this article, there’s a good chance you are very confused and don’t know where to go from here. About what to do and what not to do.

This guide is designed to take the confusion out of the equation. Think of it as a manual, a walkthrough, a game plan or a strategy guide for the current mission in this game called your love life.

Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Mission: Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back and Keep Her Permanently

This guide will tell you exactly what to do from here on forward to get your ex girlfriend back as soon as possible.

What’s the catch?

Like I said before, you only get a handful of chances at this. So if you are not careful, you might screw this up. Moreover, following this guide is NOT EASY. Above all, it will need 3 things from you.

  1. Patience
  2. Determination
  3. Honesty or Vulnerability (With Yourself, Your ex and me if we ever communicate)

Like I said before, it’s not going to be easy. But if your ex girlfriend is worth it, I am sure you won’t care how much patience, determination or honesty it takes to get her back.

(Note: You may want to bookmark this article as it’s quite long and you will need it constantly as you move forward in this mission)

Who this guide is for?

This guide is for you if you want your ex girlfriend back, your ex wife back or your ex fiancé back. This guide is for you if you are a teenager in high school, you in your 20s, 30s, 40s or even 50s.

This guide is for you if your ex girlfriend dumped you. And it’s for you if you broke up with your ex girlfriend and still want her back.

This guide is NOT for you if you are looking for tricks or manipulation to get her back.

How does this guide work?

This guide is divided in stages. Just like a video game.

Each stage will have objectives for you to accomplish. Some of these objectives will be optional. The optional objectives are not important to win her back permanently, but they definitely help in the process and they will increase your chances significantly.

In addition, there will be actionable tips, objectives, or steps in the articles. Consider this as mini objectives that you can take action on. These actionable objectives are very practical and easy to understand, as opposed to the other things involving dating, relationships and breakups.

You will also find common pitfalls in each section of the article. These are common mistakes that most people make during each stage of getting back together with their ex girlfriend.

In some places, I’ll link to other articles on this website which will provide more information on a particular topic. These additional articles serve as supplement articles to this detailed guide. But they are in no way a replacement for this. So, you should read this guide in it’s entirety before moving on to any of these supplement articles.

Stage 1: The Valley of Grief aka Don’t Push Her Away

Stage 1 - Valley Of Grief


  1. Stop Panicking and Pushing Her Away
  2. Take Action to Regain Composure
    • a) Start No Contact
    • b) Grieve
  3. Accept The Breakup (Optional Until End Of Stage 2)
  4. Heal By Spending Time With Loved Ones (Optional)

When you lose the girl you love, you are bound to panic. You activate the fight or flight response in your brain. And when your brain is panicking, it doesn’t think logically.

Instead, it relies on your instincts. It goes into overdrive trying to make sense of it all and in a state of panic, it makes you do things that ultimately pushes your ex girlfriend away.

1. Stop Panicking And Pushing Your Ex Girlfriend Away

The goal of this stage is to get yourself to stop panicking and pushing your ex away. To do that, you must

  1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now
  2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now

Breakup grief is a bitch. That’s the best way I can put this. Once you lose your ex girlfriend, someone you loved dearly, you are likely to go through the five stages of grief.

The stages namely.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

The stages of grief are pretty self explanatory so I’ll not go into details about them. But when you are trying to win her back for good, you need to watch out for the first three stages of grief.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • And Bargaining

As we will see in the next section, these three stages of grief are likely to make you do things that will push your ex away and make her think why was she ever attracted to you.

2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

To make this easier for you to remember, here is a list of mistakes that pushes your ex away when you are in this stage.

Mistake 1: Begging and Trying to Use Pity

Grief Stage: Bargaining


“I can’t live without her. I still love her and will always love her. I can’t be happy without her. Surely, this should be a good enough reason for her to take me back.”

I am not sure if it’s the media, the movies or the damn TV shows. But guys get the idea that if they can show their ex GF how helpless they are without her, she will come back.

They try to beg and plead to get her back. In some cases, guys go to extreme lengths to show their ex how miserable they are without her.

begging your ex gf

The truth is though, no girl is attracted to a weak guy. If you act like you are miserable without her, she will just get less and less attracted to you until she decides to cut you off from her life.

Mistake 2: Calling and Texting Her All the time

Grief Stage: Denial


“If I just keep in touch with her, everything will go back to normal. If I don’t let her forget me, she will realize how much she loves me and wants to be with me. I just need to stay in touch with her.”

This one is obvious. The more you text or call your ex, the less attractive you will look to her. Even if you act all casual when you text her, you will still come off as needy as your ex will see right through it.

Texting her again and again is a sign of neediness and desperation and no girl is attracted to a needy guy.

texting ex girlfriend expectations vs reality

Notice how texting and calling her all the time are coming out of neediness and desperation instead of a genuine desire to speak to her and enjoy a conversation with her.

Mistake 3: Telling Her How Much You Love Her and That you will do everything for her

Grief Stage: Bargaining


“I’ll do anything to get her back. I’ll marry her tomorrow if I must. I will agree to whatever she wants from me and do anything to make her happy.”

Now that she has broken up with you, she doesn’t care how much you love her and what you are willing to do for her. (Note: It may have worked before the breakup in some cases. But it definitely doesn’t work after the breakup)

If you tell her how much you love her now, it’s just going to make you look needy and desperate to win her back. It’s going to turn her off and make her respect you less.

The same goes for when you tell her you will do anything to get her back. More commonly known as becoming a doormat.

You can’t just let her walk all over you just because you want her back. Even if you manage to convince her to come back this way, she will leave again soon because she will not have any respect for you.

The reason this doesn’t work is because you are doing all these things out of desperation to get her back. Not because you love her, but because you are afraid to lose her to some other guy. Because you are afraid to be alone.

She doesn’t want you do things for her out of fear. Not unless she is extremely manipulative. In which case, you should still not do it because you will be even more miserable when you are back together.

Mistake 4: Freaking Out About Her Rebound

Grief Stage: Anger, Denial, Bargaining


“How can she do this to me? She told me she loved me just a couple of weeks ago and now she is sleeping around with someone else. I am going to give her a call and tell her exactly what I think about this and what @$$#@ she and her new boyfriend is.”


“She is making a huge mistake with that guy. Her new boyfriend is not the right person for her. I am. I need to speak to her immediately and convince her to leave the other guy for me. If I don’t, it may be too late.”

In a lot of cases, your ex may start dating immediately after a breakup. In some cases, she might start dating after a week or a month.

But in almost all the cases, her new relationship will be a rebound. And it will end. That’s what happens with majority of rebound relationships. Read more about the nature of rebound relationships here and how to get her back when she has a boyfriend here.

Mistake 5: Degrading Her and Calling Your Ex-Girlfriend Names

Grief Stage: Anger


“I can’t believe you did this to me. I should have known you were a gold digger.”


“How can you do this to me after all I’ve done for you. Man, you really don’t deserve me. I hope you spend the rest of your life being as miserable as I know you are inside.”

I think it’s pretty obvious why doing something like this will push her further away. No one wants to be with a guy who is abusive.

degrading your ex girlfriend

So, if you ever have the urge to say anything mean to your ex girlfriend, do yourself a favor and STOP.

What if I have already made these mistakes?

These mistakes are very common. As I mentioned earlier, these mistakes are a direct result of you going through grief and acting on your instincts.

So, if you’ve made them, don’t beat yourself over it. This only means you are human.

And since these mistakes are only human, it’s pretty easy to get your ex to forgive you for them as described in Stage 3 of this article.

Actionable Steps to Take (Moderately Important)

  • Change the name of your ex girlfriend to “Don’t Push Her Away” on your phone so you don’t forget about these mistakes in the future.

2. Take Action to stop panicking and get yourself together

Now that we have learned what mistakes to avoid in this stage, it’s time to learn what you can do in this stage to stop panicking, regain your composure, and stop doing things that push your ex further away.

a) Start No Contact

In my experience, the easiest way to avoid making any of the above mistakes and heal from the breakup is to start no contact.

What is no contact?

No contact rule is a simple rule to not contact your ex at all for a certain number of days. You want to remove your ex from your life and from your mind. This means

  • No Texting
  • No Calling
  • No bumping into her at her favorite coffee shop
  • No keeping tabs on her through her friends
  • Staying away from her social media profiles

I know it may seem a little extreme to suddenly cut all contact from your ex, but it’s very important and a very effective way to achieve the objective of this stage. Here’s how it will affect you and your ex.

How No Contact Affects You?

When you cut your ex girlfriend out of your life, you will start seeing things clearly and feel better about yourself. You will realize that you can live without your ex and life is not so bad after all.

In most cases, you are so addicted to having your ex girlfriend in your life, you can’t imagine a life without her. When you stop contacting her, you will go cold turkey on this addiction.

Just like any other addiction, you will slowly recover from it and start seeing things clearly.

It’s very important that you get over the addiction of your ex girlfriend before you reach the third stage of this guide.

You need to get rid of this addiction before you can approach her and get her back. As long as you are addicted to her, you will be needy and desperate. And if you are needy or desperate, you will never be able to approach her from a position of strength. Even if you try to fake it, she will smell your neediness from a mile away. She was close to you and she knows a lot about you. You won’t be able to fake it for long.

How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend?

If you’ve made any of the mistakes that push her away, then no contact is the perfect way to reset everything before you start rebuilding attraction with her.

Even if you have not made any of the mistakes above, no contact is still very important because you want to give your ex some time to process the breakup and miss you.

When you stop contacting your ex, you will instantly become less needy and desperate in her eyes.

Later, you are going to turn that doubt into a fact by showing her how you’ve changed, and how things will be different when you get her back.

Should I tell her that I am doing no contact?

If you and your ex are on talking terms right now, you can tell her that you need some space and time and you don’t want her to contact you.

Hopefully, she will understand (and will be impressed and confused) and leave you alone. If she doesn’t respect your wishes, then you will just have to ignore her calls and texts.

Wouldn’t this make her want to move on?

Maybe. But just because she wants to move on doesn’t mean she will. In fact, in most cases, this will make her want you more.

Remember how you were pushing her away when you kept contacting her and telling her how you love her and will give the world to be with her?

Well, by doing no contact you are pulling back and it’s going to make her want to push. In other words, it’s going to make her miss you and want you in your life. This is what I call the push pull dynamics of a breakup.

Besides, you are not doing this forever, you will only do this for a short while as we will discuss in just a moment.

What if she finds another boyfriend during no contact?

Even if she dates someone else during no contact, it will probably be a rebound and you can still win her back. (Read about rebounds and winning her back from a rebound.)

How Long Should You Do No Contact For?

Ideally, you should do no contact until you have finished stage 1 and stage 2 of this mission to get your ex girlfriend back permanently.

That means you should do no contact at least until you have stopped panicking, regained your composure and figured out how to defeat the little devils (Stage 2). It can take from two weeks to three months. Read this article on no contact rule to figure out how much no contact is ideal for you.

If you are confused, I recommend you set a time limit of at least 30 days.

Actionable Steps to Take (Important)

  • Decide how long you need to do no contact
  • Mark your calendar that many days from now with the text “I can contact my ex girlfriend now”.
  • If you and your ex are speaking to each other regularly. Text her the following or something similar. “Hey, I don’t want to come off as rude or anything, but I need some time and space to heal from the breakup and focus on myself. This is why I think I think we both shouldn’t speak to each other for a while. I hope you understand.”

B) Grieve During No Contact

You lost someone you truly love and wanted to be with. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.

When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.

Breakup Grief is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you will feel like crap and sometimes you will feel much better about yourself.

The key is to let yourself feel the emotions and still keep working on yourself. If you feel like crying, let it out. If you feel anger, shout out loud.

But remember to always balance it out and always keep in mind that you need to become a better version of yourself if you want her back.

Occasionally, you must pick yourself up and realize that there is much more to life than relationships and breakup.

You must remind yourself that life will keep throwing challenges at you. You must learn to pick yourself up and get back in the game.

You need to keep moving forward. Here’s a video I recommend you watch when you are feeling down.

4. Accept the Breakup (optional until Stage 3)

Ultimately, you need to reach “The Acceptance” stage of the breakup. That means you need to accept that your ex girlfriend broke up with you and your past relationship is over.

You can start a new relationship with her and that relationship may be an amazing one. But the past relationship is over, and there is nothing you can do about it.

For a lot of guys reading this, the idea of accepting the breakup will be a tough one. You may even trick yourself into thinking that you have accepted the breakup when you are secretly still hoping that things will go back to the way they were.

So, consider this as an optional objective for now. That means, you can move on to Stage 2 without completing this objective. But you need to finish this objective before you move on to Stage 3.

5. Spend Time with Your Loved Ones (optional)

One of the reasons our minds panic so hard after a breakup is because of our deep rooted fear of being alone. Of being left out in the world. Of never being loved.

But chances are, you have a lot of people in your life that love you, care about you, and want you to be happy.

Your friends and family can be a very effective healing tool. When you spend time with them and notice how they care about you and love you, your sub-conscious mind will calm down realizing that you are not alone in this world. That you are loved, and you will survive even if you have lost your ex.

This part is optional because a lot of guys don’t have loving families. Some guys don’t even have very close friends. If that’s the case with you, fret not. You can still get your ex girlfriend back.

But you must make a note in your mind to make new friends, good friends you can trust, when you are ready in the future.

Common Pitfalls: Taking Too Long To Implement No Contact

A lot of guys feel that they can convince their ex girlfriend to come back and they don’t need to do no contact. If you think like that, you must understand that even though you might be successful in getting her back, you will most likely fail in keeping her permanently.

Unless you follow Stage 2 of this guide, there’s a very good chance you and your ex will breakup again after getting back together. I have seen this happen to my readers and clients over and over again. And I would hate to see it happen to you.

Stage 2: The Inner Demons aka focus on yourself

Stage 2 - Inner Demons


  1. Figure Out What Caused the Breakup
    • a)Figure Out a Solution to What Caused the Breakup
  2. Figure out if she is worth getting back.
  3. Become a Better Version of Yourself
    • a) Become More Confident
    • b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
    • c) Become more Physically Attractive (optional)
    • d) Become more Socially Attractive (optional)
    • e) Become More Mindful or Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)
  4. Bonus: Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Miss You During No Contact(optional)

As you can see from the objectives above, this stage of getting your ex girlfriend back is all about you.

In my opinion, this is the most important stage of this mission. It’s not one of those stages where you can just enter a tunnel in the beginning and can skip it right to the next stage (I am looking at you Mario).

If you fail at this stage, you will most likely fail at getting your ex girlfriend back permanently. Even if you somehow manage to get her back for the time being, I am quite positive you will break up again in the future.

Yes, that’s how important this stage is.

We are going to go through each of the objectives of this stage and then we are going to list out some of the common pitfalls that most guys face during this stage.

1) Figure out what caused the breakup

The first thing after you have calmed down in Stage 1 is to try to figure out what caused the breakup.

I don’t want you to think about what your ex girlfriend told you at the time of breaking up with you. She might have used one of those bogus generic lines like

“It’s not you, it’s me”.

“I am just not in love with you anymore.”

“I think of us as more like friends”

“I just don’t see a future with you.”

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might not be aware of what caused the breakup.

I am going to try to list out some of the most common reasons here that you may be able to relate to.

She Does Not Feel Attracted to You Anymore

This will be the case for most of the guys reading this article. Here are a few examples of when a girl loses attraction for you.

  1. You always showered her with affection.
  2. You gave her whatever she wanted.
  3. You were needy, insecure, controlling, jealous or manipulative

In most cases, if your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you towards the end of your relationship, it was because you were needy, insecure and were not confident.

If you feel she broke up with you out of nowhere, then there is a good chance it’s because of this reason.

In fact, all the three reasons mentioned above are a direct result of insecurity.

Showing too Much Affection

In most cases, when you show your girlfriend too much affection, it’s not coming out of the love you have for her. It’s coming out of your fear of losing her and being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, you should show affection to your girlfriend. If you love her, you should show her. For me, there is nothing more joyful than making my girlfriend happy and laugh with joy.

But most guys (whose girlfriend leaves them) are not genuine in showing affection. If you are showing affection just because you want something in return (sex, appreciation, acceptance, end an argument without resolving it), it’s going to come off as insincere.

And slowly, she is going to realize that you are not doing it because you mean it. But because you sub consciously want something in return. And if she starts feeling like that, every time you show her affection, it’s going to make her a little bit less attracted towards you. Every time you say something sweet to her, it’s going to make her feel you want something in return.

A lot of times, your girlfriend won’t even realize this is happening. She will slowly feel like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and breakup with you.

You Gave her Whatever She Wanted

Again, giving your ex-girlfriend what she wants is not really a deal breaker. It’s your intention behind giving her what she wants that matters.

For example, suppose you are having an argument about you always trying to control her. And instead of trying to understand her, you go out and buy her a necklace that she wanted for a while.

She is excited and forgets about the argument.

Win win, right?

Wrong. You avoided a serious issue in the relationship. You avoided a serious issue in yourself. And that festered inside her.

If you want to give something your ex-girlfriend, do it out of your heart and do it because you want to do it without getting anything in return.

Guys who are insecure, controlling and secretly manipulative are always trying to control the situation by giving their girlfriend something and hoping to get something in return. This creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship and their girlfriends end up losing attraction for them.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Control and Manipulation

Like I said in the above two scenarios. Insecurity, jealousy, control and manipulation are present in almost every unhealthy relationship. If your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you by the end of your relationship, there’s a good chance you exhibited these traits in the relationship.

As you are going through this stage, I want you to think back and figure out when you did something for your ex girlfriend that had an ulterior motive behind it.

  • Did you buy her gifts because you were afraid she was going to leave you?
  • Did you avoid a serious issue by showering her with affection?
  • Did you act controlling because you were afraid she will fall for some other guy?
  • Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?

If you are just reading this article a few days after your breakup, it might be a bit too much for you to think all this through right now. So, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it at a later stage when you have calmed down and can think rationally.

How to Fix Loss of Attraction and Get Her Back?

You can make your ex girlfriend attracted to you again easily once you learn how to fix the deep rooted insecurity that pushed her away.

The thing is, it’s not very easy to fix this deep rooted insecurity that most guys have.

We will talk about this in the next section when we talk about becoming more confident.

She Does not See a Future with You (and She Lost Connection)

A lot of times, your ex-girlfriend may have broken up with you because she does not feel a connection with you anymore. This is usually the case when you were together for a very long time (more than a year).

If she does not feel a connection with you, she will leave you because she does not see a future with you.

She might still be attracted to you. She might still feel that you are a confident attractive guy. But she does NOT SEE HERSELF BEING WITH YOU IN THE LONG TERM. She just thinks that you are both not compatible.

An emotional connection can be lost for the following reasons.

  1. You and your ex-girlfriend lost the spark. You neglected her for too long and took her for granted.
  2. You had too much fights and disagreements. You didn’t know how to communicate effectively and understand each other.
  3. Your life goals do not align with each other.

All the above reasons are self-explanatory, so I am not going to go in detail.

How to Get Her Back If Your Ex Girlfriend Lost Connection?

If you fall in this category, there’s a good chance your first instinct will be to tell her that you will do things differently this time. For example,

  • If you neglected her, you will want to tell her that you will spend more time with her if she gives you another chance.
  • If you and her both wanted different things in life, you will want to tell her that you will compromise and give her whatever she wanted (marriage, kids etc.)

However, telling her that things will change WILL NOT WORK.

The fact is, your ex girlfriend does not feel a connection with you anymore. And if she does not feel a connection with you, then it will not matter to her what you are willing to do for her.

Before you can show her how things have changed, you first need to rebuild attraction and connection with her. We will get into that in stage 4 of this article.

You Cheated Or Hurt Your Ex Girlfriend

Some guys reading this page might have done something that hurt their ex girlfriend terribly. These may include

  • You cheated on her
  • You were abusive to her (verbally or physically)
  • You betrayed her trust in some way (monetary or emotional cheating)

How to get her back if you cheated on her, or did something to hurt her?

The key to winning your ex-girlfriend back in this situation is to show her a ray of hope before anything else.

And the best way to show her a ray of hope is to accept where you screwed up, figure out why you did it and work on understanding yourself.

The fact is, if you hurt her once, there’s a good chance you will hurt her again. And if you don’t trust yourself enough to not hurt her again, then she wouldn’t either.

So, work on understanding yourself and learn to trust yourself. Getting therapy or joining a support group (sex addicts, alcohol anonymous, anger management etc.) is a great way to do that.

This will show her you are serious about change and it will give her a ray of hope that things may be different in the future. (Read: Get your ex back after you cheated.)

Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationships are a tough one. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up because of long distance, then you are in for an uphill battle.

Long Distance often causes a couple to lose attraction, lose connection or betray of trust. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up due to long distance, it’s probably because one of the above reasons happened. If that’s the case, you will have to apply the tactics mentioned above for each case.

2. Figure Out If She Is Worth Getting Back

If you are reading this article immediately after a breakup, your response might be,

“Of course, she is worth getting back. I love her, and she is one in a million.”

But you are seeing her through the rose colored lenses of post breakup denial. This is why I have included this task in stage 2 of this mission.

Once you have accepted the breakup and have gone through grief after a breakup, you will need to figure out whether she is worth it. Here is one article that will help you do that. And read below for some actionable tips about this.

Actionable Tips

  • Write down 5 things about your ex that you don’t like.
  • Write down 3 things about your ex that need to change for you to have a healthy and happy relationship with her. (For example, She needs to be better at communicating or She needs to stop flirting with other guys)

Note: If you can’t think of any of these things, you need to finish Stage 1 of this article and come back here after about 2 weeks.

3. Become A Better Version of Yourself

What happened in your past relationship with your ex-girlfriend is past. When you get back together, it’s going to be a better relationship. Because YOU are going to be a better version of yourself.

a) Become More Confident

Being confident is the number one quality that will attract your ex girlfriend , ex wife or ex fiancé back. However, confidence isn’t something that can be built in a day.

In fact, the insecurity that pushed your ex away and caused her to break up with you, is the result of years of negative feedback you received from the world and yourself.

You can’t just undo all that in a day. And if you fake it, your ex girlfriend will eventually see through it and start thinking of you as manipulative.

Thankfully, you have enough time to work on your confidence during the no contact period.

Soon, I’ll release a course on rebuilding your confidence to get your ex girlfriend back. So check back on this space later to figure out how to rebuild confidence during no contact.

b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

This is very important if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you due to loss of connection. Or if you both argued constantly and could never come to a reasonable conclusion.

One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is proper communication. If you can be a pro at handling conflict with your girlfriend, each fight you have will bring you closer together.

If you learn to empathize and understand her on a deep level, the connection she will feel with you will be unparalleled.

So, work on these two skills as they are very important in not only getting her back, but keeping her permanently.

c) Become More Attractive Physically (Optional)

This objective is optional for one very simple reason. Your ex girlfriend was physically attractive to you at one point of time. So, she will be attracted to you again.

Working on your physical appearance does have a few advantages though.

  • You will feel more confident.
  • Getting a fresh look will give the impression that you are a new person.
  • Working out will release endorphins that will make you feel happier.

Actionable Steps To Take

  • Go to the gym at least 20 days during the no contact period
  • Increase the maximum weight you can squat with by 15 kg
  • Get a new haircut
  • Get Your teeth cleaned
  • Get new clothes

d) Become More Socially Attractive (optional)

This is again an optional objective because it’s not necessary to win your ex-girlfriend back permanently. But it sure helps.

Being socially active helps you regain your confidence and realize that your ex isn’t the only person in the world for you. If you spend time with your friends and other girls, you will feel better about yourself and realize other girls are interested in you as well.

Actionable Steps to Become More Socially Attractive

  • Approach 5 girls that you are attracted to. Speak to them and let them know that you find them attractive with confidence.
  • Go out with your friends at least on two weekends.
  • Go out for a road trip or a vacation with your friends.

e) Become More Mindful and Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)

Your awareness level is the most underrated skill. Most people don’t spend any time working on it and developing it (video game lingo: spend XP points on it). But it can have a huge effect on your happiness, your confidence, your well-being and your relationships.

Needless to say, it helps you become a better version of yourself and will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back.

Actionable Tips

  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes for 21 days continuously.

f) Work on Your Life Goals or a Passion (optional)

Having life goals and a passion is not only attractive to girls, it’s also a huge confidence booster and therapeutic. If you are working on something you care about, your mind will focus on only that and you will forget about everything else.

Moreover, working on things that you care about will give you something to speak with your ex when you end no contact.

Guys who are passionate about things other than their girlfriends are instantly seen as more confident and less insecure.

Actionable Tips

  1. Figure out one hobby, career goal or life goal that you are interested in or passionate about. It should be something that you can get better at and eventually become an expert at. Something that you can become the best in your town at if you work hard enough or long enough.
  2. Spend at least 10 hours a week working on it.


Bonus: Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Miss You During No Contact (Optional)

This objective is again optional. The reason is simple, the no contact period is more about you and less about your ex girlfriend. Getting her to miss you will help you in the short term but is not very effective over the long term.

If you want to get her back permanently, it’s important that the above objective are your priorities. If you sacrifice your priorities because you are trying to get her to miss you, you will suffer in the long run.

Getting her to miss you is a nice side effect you can achieve by putting in a little more effort. (Recommended Reading: How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Miss You Without Looking Like a Fool)

Actionable Tips To Get Her To Miss You.

  1. Post a maximum of 5 Socially Active posts on Facebook, WhatsApp status, snapchat, or twitter during no contact period. More than that will make her think that you are just doing it to manipulate her.
  2. Post a maximum of 5 positive thinking and self-improvement posts on social media.
  3. Add 7 new girls as your friend on Facebook.

Common Pitfall: Obsessing over her in an effort to get your ex girlfriend to miss you

A lot of times, guys start obsessing over whether or not their ex girlfriend misses them.

  • Does she miss me?
  • She posted a snapchat story about a toy that I gave her, is she thinking about me?
  • Does she still love me?
  • I posted a status and she liked it, does it mean she is over me?

If that’s you, you need to understand that your priority during no contact is to heal and become a better version of yourself. If you try to play this game of social media jealousy with her, you will lose.

If you find yourself obsessing over this, do not do anything to make your ex miss you. Instead, just stay away from social media altogether during no contact.

Common Pitfall 2: Thinking that you don’t need to make any changes

Listen man, it doesn’t matter how awesome you are, how many girls are drooling over you, or how much you can bench press.

The truth is, everyone can and should strive to improve themselves and become a better version of yourself.

Stage 3: Dragon of Resistance aka Your Ex Girlfriend’s Consistency

Stage 3 - Your Ex Girlfriend's Resistance


  1. Get Your Ex to Speak to You Normally
  2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh At Least Once

The objectives of this stage are pretty straight forward. Get Her to speak to you again normally. Get her to smile or laugh at something you said at least once.

This stage is called the dragon of resistance because there is a big dragon which is guarding her from opening up to you and giving you a chance to rebuild attraction.

This is no doubt the toughest battle in this mission. Most guys end up failing at this stage.

The resistance she has is based on the following assumptions.

  1. My ex will try to manipulate me and do anything just to get me back.
  2. He will try to act casual even if he is miserable inside.
  3. He will try to get me to meet with him so he can beg or plead.
  4. He has not really changed and neither have I, and if I get back with him, things will go back to the way they were.

These are all very valid reasons to not speak to you. In fact, if any of that is true, I would not advise your ex gf to reply to you if you contacted her.

But hopefully, we have taken care of this in Stage 1 and Stage 2 of getting her back. By now, you are a better version of yourself. You are more confident and you are sure that things will be different when you both get back together.

In this stage, your goal is just to address the first three assumptions that your ex-girlfriend has. You can show her how things will be different later when you are speaking to each other regularly.

It’s very important that you do this correctly. If you mess up here, your ex girlfriend will put up her defenses instantly and you will have to do no contact again for a month or two before trying again.

Here’s how to do that.

1. Get Her to Speak to you Normally

There can be two scenarios in this case. Either you and your ex left on good terms. Or you acted in a way that left a sour taste in her mouth about you.

In either case, it’s definitely a good idea to wipe the slate clean so you can make her feel comfortable speaking to you again.

I speak about this in my article on texting your ex-girlfriend again here. I call this the elephant in the room approach. You acknowledge the elephant in the room by stating everything that happened and apologize for it.

Basically, you address four main points when you contact her first.

  1. You apologize about anything that you did that came off as needy, desperate or manipulative.
  2. You acknowledge the fact that you weren’t your best self after the breakup.
  3. You acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the breakup.
  4. You give a small glimpse of whatever new is happening in your life.

There are three mediums you can use to do this.

  1. A Hand-Written Letter
  2. Text Messages
  3. Email

Once you have contacted her using this method, it’s time to leave her alone for a while. At least for five days.

When you don’t contact her after sending her this text, it will prove to her that you are serious about accepting the breakup and are not just saying this to get her back.

What if she replies?

There’s a good chance your ex will reply to you. If she does, you are free to talk to her. But don’t overdo it just yet. She still might have her defenses up and if you act desperate or needy in any way, it will confirm her doubts.

If she replies, you should speak to her but don’t try to rebuild attraction or make her laugh yet. Just end the conversation on a light note and make her feel good about it.


Actionable Steps

  1. Draft an elephant in the room message for your ex using the above guidelines.
  2. Get me to take a look at your draft and give suggestions. (Option coming soon)
  3. Mark your calendar for 5 days after you’ve sent the elephant in the room text.


2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh at something you said.

If your ex girlfriend laughs or smiles at something you said, you can be sure that she has eased up around you and will give you a chance to rebuild attraction and connection.

Here’s are some ways to do this.

Use a Past Memory

Think of something that you both enjoyed. And use it to your advantage. This could be a TV show, a youtube channel, a videogame or a coffee shop.

Think something funny about it or think of something a pleasant memory. And then just text her about it. Here’s an example,

“Remember that burger place we used to frequent? Well, I just remembered how I once almost reached the hall of fame for finishing the super large burger when we were drunk and threw up all of it only minutes later. You made fun of me for hours. Good times.”

Think of a Joke

What’s funny and wants his ex girlfriend back?

The person reading this article.

Okay, that wasn’t my best joke. But I am sure you can do something better than that. More importantly, you probably know what tickles her funny bone. So, think of a joke that you think she will find funny and send it to her.

It’s important that you do this after she has replied to you at least once.

Stage 4: The Climb of Connection aka connecting with your ex girlfriend

Stage 4 - Connecting With Your Ex Girlfriend


  1. Increase frequency and intensity of conversations
  2. Understand Your Ex on a Deeper Level (Use the Solution from Stage 2)
  3. Get Her to Meet You

A deep connection is the difference between lovers who stay together forever and lovers who are together for only a short while.

If you can learn to develop a deep connection with the woman you love, you are going to etch yourself in her heart like no one else before you. You will be able to turn even the biggest flaker into a loyal, loving girlfriend.

1. Increase Frequency and intensity of your interaction with her

You want to slowly increase the amount of time you and your ex girlfriend speak. Once you are able to make her smile or laugh, she should be open to hear more from you.

To do that, you must take initiative and start texting her more often.

However, you must not overdo it as overdoing it will make you look needy or desperate.

Here’s a sample timeline you can follow for this.

  • Day 1: text her something funny. end the conversation shortly after that
  • Day 2: Don’t text her
  • Day 3: Don’t text her
  • Day 4: Speak to her casually. Make the conversation a little longer than usual.
  • Day 5: Text Her Casually about something you spoke on Day 4. Continue the conversation for 5 minutes and end it saying you have to go somewhere.
  • Day 6: Don’t text her.
  • Day 7: Don’t text her.
  • Day 8: Ask her about her weekend. Talk about your weekend and something that happened.
  • Day 9: Speak about your goals and passions. Encourage her to do the same.
  • Day 10: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 11: Talk to her for as long as you can. Don’t let the conversation get boring. If it does, end the conversation.
  • Day 12: same as day 11
  • Day 13: Same as day 11
  • Day 14: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 15: Don’t Text Her until she contacts you.
  • Day 16: Same as Day 11
  • Day 17: Start texting her and try to take the conversation to a phone call.


Actionable Objectives to aim for

  1. Speak to her on text messages or on a phone call for half an hour.
  2. Get her to laugh out loud.
  3. Get her to initiate contact with you at least three times.


Understand Your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level

To do that, you must first make an effort to understand your ex girlfriend better than anyone else. Better yet, you need to understand her better than she understands herself.

If you can achieve that level, you can rest assured that your ex girlfriend will want to stay with you forever.

Here are a few topics that you should speak about to make her feel understood and connected with you.

1. Life Goals

Talk about things she is passionate about. About the things she cares about. To get her to start talking about things that she cares about, you should start talking about the things that matter to you and you are passionate about.

You can also use creative questions to do this for you. Here’s an example,

“If you can change any thing about your professional life, what would it be?”

Your Ex GF: “Well, I would try to find a way to include dancing in it somehow. But I don’t think that’s possible considering I work in Marketing. lol”

You: “Yeah, you are an amazing dancer. I loved that show you did at the club house. Man, I wish I were that good. How did you become so good at it?”

2. Childhood

Our childhood is the deepest corner of our psyche that pretty much rules our adult life. Talking about your childhood and how it affected you is a great way to understand yourself and your ex girlfriend on a deeper level. Again, use creative questions like,

“Were you closer to your father or your mother?”

or “I loved my granny house in the summer. It was an amazing family time for me. Did you have a place your family went to for summer vacations?”

3. Other negative relationships

Friends, family, coworker. Finding common enemy is a great way to make friends. You can use this to your advantage. Speak about the person she likes the least and try to understand why she dislikes her or him. By validating her negative emotions about this person, you will make her feel understood.

4. Her Feelings for You and your past relationship

Chances are, your ex still has feelings for you. She might also have some negative feelings about the breakup or the reasons that lead to the breakup. Getting her to talk about these things can work to your advantage if you do it right.

Even if she talks about something negative about you or your past relationship, you should not take it a bad sign. If she is sharing something with you (even if it’s negative), it means that she is trying to convince herself to get back together.

It’s actually a good sign. You can prove to her that you have really changed by remaining calm and handling conflict and negative feelings like a pro.

But, it can also affect you badly if you are not prepared. This is why it’s important that you get your shit together as mentioned in stage 2 of this guide.

Actionable Objectives to Aim For

  1. Get Her to open up about her past
  2. Get her to talk about her feelings for someone else (negative or positive)
  3. Get her to share her feelings for you (negative or positive). Make sure you know how to handle it if it’s negative.
  4. Get her to speak about one positive or negative experience from your relationship
  5. Use the solution from Stage 2 to your advantage.

Get Her to Meet You

Getting her to meet you should be easy if you build a strong connection with her over texts and phone calls first. In fact, if you do it right, there’s a good chance she will talk about meeting you (or at least give you a strong hint that she wants to meet you).

If she doesn’t, then you should ask her out. Don’t think too much about it. Just tell her that you want to meet up with her for a coffee.

It’s important that you don’t call this a date as it might get her to put up her defenses.

A face to face meetup is your ultimate opportunity to increase attraction, connection and trust with her. But you should not rush into it. You should be speaking to her for at least a couple weeks before you ask her out.

Places to ask her out for

  • Coffee
  • Beer
  • Shopping
  • Concerts
  • Events

What if she says no?

If she refuses or is hesitant, give her a little nudge. Something like “Come on, it’s just coffee.” If she still says no, back off for a little bit.

What if she flakes at the last moment?

If your ex girlfriend cancels meeting you at the last moment (because of a genuine reason or a flaky one), then there’s a good chance she is skeptical about this or she thinks meeting you is a big deal. There’s also a chance that she is in a rebound or she is thinking of dating someone else.

In this case, just focus on rebuilding connection with her on phone and ask her out again after a week. If you suspect she is dating someone else, read this article to figure out what to do.

Actionable Steps

  1. Figure out which place will be best suitable to ask her out to.
  2. Ask her out and get a yes.

Common Pitfall: Ending Up in the dreaded friendzone

If you are in this stage, you risk ending up in the friend zone. This usually happens to guys who are too afraid to speak about difficult topics and try to stay in the safe zone.

In other words, this usually happens to guys who are too scared to lose her. Who are scared that the wrong move will make her stop talking to you. Who are scared that if you screw up, she will block you and never speak to you again.

If you look at it from another angle, this happens to guys who are still insecure at this stage and have no confidence. Guys who have put their ex girlfriend on a pedestal and refuse to let her down.

If she feels that you are too timid and really want her in your life to feel good about yourself, she will keep you in her life, but as a friend.

She loved you and probably cares about you, but she will not get back with you out of pity. She will keep you as a friend and use you for emotional support though.

So how do you stay away from your ex friendzoning you?

The first thing I will ask you to do is read Stage 2 of this guide. If you are confident and secure in yourself, she will probably not think of you as friendzone material in the first place.

But, if you still feel like she is using you to just dump all her emotional baggage without giving you anything in return, do the following.

1. Have an equal relationship: If she uses you for emotional support, use her as emotional support. If she talks about her feelings, you should also spend enough time talking about your feelings. If she asks you to pick her up from the airport, ask her to do the same.

2. Don’t let her disrespect you or cross any boundaries: If she starts talking about how she is attracted to the guy in the gym, don’t give her advice on asking him out. Instead, set a boundary. Tell her that even though she has all the right to do what she wants, you still have feelings for her and you don’t want to speak about this. You are not her girlfriend and she can’t discuss these things with you. Yes, she might stop talking to you for a while, but she will respect you more for it and will probably start talking again when she misses the connection you both have.

Common Pitfall: Asking Her Out Too Soon

A lot of guys make the mistake of asking your ex-girlfriend out as soon as they start speaking to her.

If you ask her out too soon, she is going to put up her defenses and will become reluctant. There’s a good chance she will say no.

It’s important that you build up enough attraction and connection over the phone before asking her out.

Common Pitfall: Letting her get a rise out of you

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend will do or say things that she knows will make you angry. She will try to get you to react and act the way you acted in your past relationship. It’s important that you remain calm in these situations.

If something makes you angry or upset, you should address it, but you should not do it the way you used to do. You should breathe, calm down and tell her clearly what makes you upset and what are your boundaries.

Stage 5: The Final Boss aka Get Her Back Already

Stage 5 - Getting Her Back


  1. Ask Her Out on a Second Date
  2. Get Her to Agree to give it another shot
  3. Keep Her for Good (if she is worth it)

Alright mates, this is the final boss. The moment you have been waiting for. Because when you meet her, you will have the ultimate opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how things will be different this time.

1. Asking Her Out on a second date

When you meet her, you should have just one goal in mind. To get her to agree to second date.

The first time you meet her, she will be testing the water.

Can I really have a fun time with him?

Has he really changed?

Is this all just a ruse to get me back in that same miserable relationship?

Is he going to pressure me into getting back together?

She is going to be skeptical about a lot of things. And for good reasons. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.

And it’s your job to put her at ease. It’s your job to get her to enjoy her time with you.

Here are a few pointers –

Talking about the breakup and the relationship

If your first meeting ends up with both of you just talking about the breakup and your past relationship, it will look like that you are both meeting just to get closure.

Instead, you should use this time to talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. You should talk about the good times and good memories. And you should have a good time together and create good memories together.

But, it’s also important that you don’t try to avoid something serious that’s on her mind. If she wants to talk about something that happened during the breakup or your past relationship, you should be willing to talk about it.

You should be able to resolve the issue swiftly so you can get back to having a good time with her.

Don’t be afraid of negativity or arguments

A lot of time, guys try to avoid any difficult topics because they are scared their ex girlfriend will become upset and the date will go badly. In an effort to avoid making their ex girlfriend upset or starting an argument, they will just agree to her point of view even if they don’t.

This is how you get friendzoned.

Instead, learn how to handle arguments and negativity in a conversation. Learn how to understand her without patronizing her. Learn how to be an adult in a difficult situation.

Continue the date Further

If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. You should take the lead and ask her to join you for something else.

If you just finished coffee, ask her to accompany you to a pub nearby.

If you just finished shopping, ask her to have coffee and cake with you.

If you just finished dinner, ask her to catch a movie with you.

Use Kino and do intimate actions as Much as You Can

Kino is simply a term that is used to describe the art of touching. You want to have physical contact with you ex girlfriend as much as possible during this date.

Hold her hand when you are crossing the street.

Touch her shoulders or arms when she says something funny.

You should also use intimate actions as much as you can. Actions that only couples do with each other. For example,

Use a tissue to wipe something off her face.

Ask her to taste your food and feed her from your spoon.

Don’t ask her out on a second date just yet.

Your job is to show her a great time and show her that you have changed and are well equipped for a healthy relationship. You don’t want to end the date with asking her on a second date. Instead, you want to let this experience linger in her mind for a while.

You want her to go home and think.

“That was great. I want to do it again.”

Hopefully, she will talk about doing it again herself. If she does, set up a date and time immediately.

If she doesn’t, wait a couple days and ask her out again.

Actionable Objectives

  • Take her to second venue on the same date
  • Hold her hand for more than 10 seconds in a romantic way

2. Get Her To Agree To Give You Another Shot

If you have done everything right till now, it should be easy to get her to give you another shot. This is like the final boss fight in a very long video game.

Just like you would stock up on potions and ammo before a final boss fight, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking her to be your girlfriend again.

Let it be Her Idea

Ideally, you want it to be her idea to want to get back together. If you have done everything right till now, then your ex girlfriend probably wants you back already. In most cases, she will start talking about the idea of getting back together, about how your relationship will be if you get back together.

But if you and your ex girlfriend have been going on dates for a long time (at least a month), then you should take the plunge and ask her.

Here’s a simple way to ask her to be your girlfriend again,

“Hey, I know our past relationship ended badly. And I am as skeptical about the future as you are. But spending the past few weeks with you have been very nice and I have a good feeling about this. Do you want to give us another try? Maybe take things slow, and see how it goes?”

Be Skeptical

Note, that you don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend again. You want to ask her to agree to take things slow.

You should be as skeptical about getting back together as she is. After all, you both broke up once. And you don’t want to end up in a heartbreak again. So, if you two decide to get back together, take things slow and analyze your new relationship before committing to it completely.

Use EPB Basics E-course

Like I said before, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking your ex girlfriend to get back together with you. To do so, you should follow this article in its entirety. Specially Stage 2 and Stage 4.

I’ve designed the EBP Basics E-course to help you get through Stage 2 of this article. It will send you an email everyday for the next 30 days to help you become a better version of yourself. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.

Actionable Objectives

  • Ask her to give it another try using the template mentioned above
  • Subscribe to the EBP Basics E-course by taking this quiz

Common Pitfall: Getting angry if she doesn’t agree to get back together

If she says no to getting back together, you shouldn’t get angry and/or make all the mistakes mentioned in the stage 1 of this article.

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might say no initially when you talk about getting back together. But sometimes, they change their mind after a few days.

If she says no, it’s important you stay calm and composed. Give her a few days time and then start rebuilding attraction and connection again.

If she still says no the second time, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.


3. Keep Her for Good

Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.

Keep working on improving the connection

Just because you have her doesn’t mean you should stop working on the connection you have with her.

Romantic connection is like a plant. If you don’t water it for a week, it will wither but survive. If you don’t water it for a month, it will lose it shine, look terrible, but still be alive.

But if you neglect it for several months, it will die.

Keep working on your confidence individually

Having someone love you is a great confidence booster. But if you are just depending on your girlfriend for validity, approval and love; she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.

This is why it’s important that you keep working on your self-esteem and your confidence even after you get her back. Read Stage 2 of this guide to understand how to do that.

Be honest and communicate well

Honesty and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you learn how to be honest and communicate effectively in your relationship, then every time you both have an argument, it will just bring you both closer. Yes, you will get closer every time you have a disagreement.

So, learn the skills needed for that. (Again, join the EBP Basics E-course for that).

Actionable Tips

  • Go on a date with your girlfriend at least twice a month.
  • Work on your passions for at least 10 hours a month.

Common Pitfalls: Getting Complacent

Getting complacent is the number one reason most guys end up losing the love of their life. You may get complacent about yourself. Or about your relationship.

Life is all about challenges. Even if you successfully win her back, you should still strive for bigger and greater things. You should strive to build a stronger foundation and a better relationship with her.

Even if you think you are confident at this point, you should still strive to become a better version of yourself. You should still work on things that matter to you, including your passions and your life goals.


This article is long. If you have read it so far, I commend you for your dedication. It means you are truly serious about getting her back and keeping her.

There’s a good chance you will need to refer to this article again and again in the upcoming months, so I recommend you bookmark it so you can come back here easily.

And don’t forget to join the EBP Basics E-course. I share a lot of information over emails to my subscribers. You will not regret it. Take this quiz to subscribe.

Good luck!

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138 comments ...add one

  • John Smith

    My girlfriend broke up with me last week. We had been together for a year and a half and were pretty much living together with plans to have her move in all the way and also had a dog together. She told me I was an amazing man that I sacrificed so much for her and it wasn't fair because she hasn't sacrificed as much for me. She told me that she loved me very much and that she still wanted me. She also told me that she might be making a huge mistake by breaking up and that she free loaded off of me for a year. I told her that she was not freeloading off of me and that she had made lots of sacrifices as well. She said I deserved somebody a lot better than her. She said she has been unsure about us for a couple weeks, but never communicated that with me. I took her on a business trip with me the week before we broke up. I wasn't the nicest person the whole time because of stress about my work. The week before the trip she told me that she wanted to give my parents there first grandchild. Then after the trip she breaks up with me. I helped her pack all of her belongings from my house and we talked and laughed and we told each other that we still love each other very much. I found out that day that she hasn't been taking her mood stabilizer for quite a while and she was going to see her therapist. During the relationship I had some confidence issues I know she didn't like but I was working on them and she was helping me. She told me she would always love me and care for me and if I needed any thing I could always call her. We are going to share custody of the dog. I haven't made contact for 6 days I am going to wait until after her therapist appointment to see if I can visit or see the dog. What should I say to her to get her back. I have read your articles and they helped me a lot. I just want your opinion on my unique situiation.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems that her mood/therapist issues might have been the cause for her erratic change in choice from wanting to have kids with you, to suddenly breaking up. I suggest that you have an honest conversation regarding this, and whether the cause for her feeling this way is because she hasn't been taking her mood stabilizers as you mentioned.

    • John Smith

      Thank you for your reply. I'm going to try and see our dog this coming week should I use that time to have a conversation about us or should I not being it up yet. She has been putting Snapchat stories out with her smiling and looking really happy I have only viewed one and was wondering how should I handle that?

  • Stephanie Nikole Sparks

    Dear Kevin,I feel like I have a special case here. I've read and re-read through so many of your articles. And they are great! I'm just having trouble finding what to implement. Ill explain. My ex and I were together for 2 years. We have been split for a little over a year. The initial breakup sucked. So bad. We both did the running back to each other on random nights thing. Had some drunk makeout sessions. He invited me back to his place but he said he just wanted to have me there physically. When I wanted more. Yet the looks he was giving me all night long and the way he was acting and kissing me, was not that of someone who was over me. Well thats when I decided to implement the no contact. Because I didnt want to just be his one night thing. Then I came out to him. I told him I was a lesbian. (Im not, Im bisexual.) We met up for lunch a few times after that and tried to be friends but I messed that up. The girl I was into at the time didnt want me talking to him. So I didnt. For about 6 months. Well I went to a bar, listened to a band and got drunk. I couldnt drive home but I knew he worked at the bar down the block. So I went in search of him and found him. I was plastered. I was angry at him and hurt. I said a lot of hurtful things. After that night I did no contact for 8 months roughly. I recently contacted him in a state of depression (i know, stupid) about my current situation/girlfriend. And I have now figured out that I have been in a rebound relationship for a year. I was lonely. Very lonely. And everything happened so fast and now i look back and its been hard as hell and its been a year! Now Im realizing me and her have so little in common. It causes us to argue a lot. So my question is. Once I break up with my current partner and take the necessary time. Oh also, my ex is moving away to Florida in about 2-3 weeks. And Im nervous about that. But, I will not and do not want to stop him. Because he deserves happiness. On every level. And I think it could make him happy. But I also want to be apart of that happiness. I see a future with him. I always have. And I always will. No doubts in my mind. So.. what do I do?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he's moving away for personal reasons, you should not stop him since you have not been a part of his life for the last 8 months and suddenly holding him back might seem like a selfish thing to do. The time taken to process and fully deal with the current break up might result in him already moving by then, to which you could probably give him a personal farewell, and stay in touch while he's there, slowly building up a bond once again.

    • Stephanie Nikole Sparks

      I definitely am not going to hold him back. He deserves happiness. But I do plan on seeing him off though with a lunch. Im not confused about that part. The part Im confused on is do I keep talking to him? Because weve been talking for the past 3 weeks now. And I havent known what to do because ive been figuring things out with my current relationship, so i just havent messaged him back. Hes texted me for the past 2 days... should i tell him whats going on with me currently or should i stay silent? Either way, im going to see him before he leaves because i want to. Oh also, he was the one that suggested we go to lunch.

  • Tristan

    Hey, bit of background first..
    We were together for just over 6 months, both admitted what we had was different and we both said We loved eachother, the way we felt was different and better than previous relationships. We were both abit clingy and got a little jealous about others exes, things were abit complicated as her recent ex13 still had her number as to contact about animals they owned together.. we spent as much time as we could together (we work retail and have odd shifts) so when we could we would spend time together. Everything was great went on holiday together and having amazing relationship, talking about the future etc.. during the last month or so she talked about when we did meet up it was always same stuff and talking was similar, made attempts at spicing things up, I now realise I was in a bit of a depressed state due to my health not letting me go gym, and I stopped seeing friends and doing my hobbies, I didn't realise at the time I was shutting myself away from most people. Then a month and a half ago we broke up, over phone.. she didn't sound sure of it on the phone but it happened.. I begged and pleaded for the first day and then I stopped. I asked about giving her some space and then 5 days later I messaged and got negative reaction. I started NC and then 2 weeks later she messaged and we met up to swap stuff over. When she messaged I took my time to answer and she answered in the same minutes I replied, she was waiting with hee phone. When we met i was confident, happy, smiling, not letting her know how much it hurt. I am still in NC but I have been working on myself during this time, I know what went wrong during our relationship and have been working on it. Stopping my neediness, clingy behaviour, seeing my friends doing my hobbies like I wanted to, working on myself and getting a positive attitude and improving my mindset.

    I am going to follow the steps of the elephant in the room text, I am blocked on social media (some) but only removed on a couple others, don't think my number is blocked, but I'm thinking of writing the letter form of the elephant in the room text. My questions are, is there a way yet to send a draft of the letter for pointers and improvements? And does it sound like a good idea? When we broke up she told me she does still love me, but doesn't feel the same anymore, we agreed to be friends days after the breakup but not just yet. It happened out of the blue as the communication wasn't great towards the end about any problems between us, during the phonecall things came up from weeks before that if she had told me about them we could have talked and she wouldn't have got the wrong end of the stick so to speak, for example: she thought during a certain time that I wasn't happy and enjoying our day out, if she had said soemthing I would have been able to say and show that I was. This sort of thing happened a few times.. so I've been working on myself, my mindset, confidence, communication, emotions, messiness, everything, especially bad habits. But I want to get her back try.

    So yeah, what are thoughts on this? And my questions?

    I'm going to write the letter today, try not to send it until you reply.. but I don't want her thinking I don't care and aren't interested in her.

    Hopefully you'll reply soon.

    Thanks in advance.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could post your letter under our forum for feedback regarding the content. It definitely sounds like a good idea but perhaps wait until after NC is completed before sending the letter. It seems like communication is one of the key issues here, and it should be something addressed in the letter as well, since there was a clear difference in frequency regarding the issues between the two of you.

    • Tristan

      Thanks for your quick reply! I'm drafting a couple of letters up just to compare, I've mentioned what I realised was wrong in the relationship that contributed to her decision, the fact that I have and am continuing to work on those bad habits etc, the main ones are communication and neediness from insecurity, apologised for how I acted during the breakup and am including in the letter the fact I am a better version of myself and am doing the things I normally do and wanted to do (giving a little glimpse).
      I have been in NC for a while now, it stopped for the day when she text me about swapping stuff and we met up, but then slipped right back into nc. Been a month now, how long should I stay in NC for? She is stubborn, but I don't want to miss the stage where she will miss me and go straight to moving on and forgetting about me, I know timing is important.. if she responds to the letter, should I respond or do the full NC for 5 days or so? Or should I engage in conversation if positive and follow steps in this post? Thanks, Tristan.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she responds to the letter, perhaps move towards light conversation if her response is positive, but only if you feel that enough time has passed since the breakup.

  • Alexander

    Im in a messy situation and i need help.
    I'll give you as short a story as possible, and hope you can help me.
    So me and my ex had been together for about a year, but things started to turn badly the last couple of months, and we would constantly fight. She had a hard time see things from my point of view, and i really believe i tried to the opposite to her. At one point the fights became so frequent, that i decided to break up with her. the first couple of days, she would constantly text and contact me, but soon accepted it after a couple of days, and asked us to be friends, and we did (she still sent hints that she wanted me back though). Soon after i realised that i still really loved her, and that i wanted to give it a last shot. So we came back together, and everything was great, but then the fighting started again and she wanted to take it slow, and i truly respected that. We had a great time after that, more or less. But then she got really drunk at a party, and cheated on me, and told me so.. In the beginning the shock really got to me. Anger, sadness, confusion. She wanted me back to begin with, and really truly was sorry. I said a lot of mean stuff, i really did not know how to handle the situation. 2 days after the cheating had been revealed, she stopped texting me, and we did not talk for two days and i could feel she had become annoyed and angry with me for keep writing to her previously, i then casually tried to start a normal conversation, and she answered pretty cold. Of course i got drunk that day, and she was out drinking too, so we met up. I begged her to give our relationship another chance, but she wouldn't, and said it was best this way. That same night i sent her like 15 desperate messages, all of which she didn't respond. The day after, i wrote really stupid things to her, which might have pushed her even further away. Later i wrote an apology for my behaviour since we broke up, and we decided not to contact each other for the time being. I really love her, and i am ready to forgive her, as i have been prone to neglecting her these last couple of months, and i deeply regret it, i realised i have to change for her, and i will. Should i just follow up with the no contact period, is there a chance for us?
    Sorry this didn't turn up to be short anyway

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At this point, you can't look at things as you forgiving her and ready to give her another chance because she's no longer chasing you or trying to make things up to you. Given how things have turned out regarding your actions in pushing her away, it might be a good idea to go into no contact right now to give her some space to let go of her negative view on you, and for you to pick yourself up from the recent events and work on a plan to win her back.

  • Jonathan


    My ex and I broke up on Monday and she used her daughter as the reason to finish it with me.
    Her daughter spent the night with her ex for the first time on Friday night and this was painful for her. Over the weekend she didn’t want to see anyone else and do anything else apart from spend it with her daughter. She said if this happens more often she will just want to spend time with her and not me. The other week she said we had a future and she said she loved me on Monday just before she broke up with me.

    What do I do? I have not contacted her since the break up and she hasn't me. What is the best way to win her back (if any?)

    Really good article by the way.


    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should prove to her that you're supportive of her choice in wanting to be there for her daughter since her daughter would always come first. Show that you're capable of that, and still be patient and loving to her in spite of her not spending as much time with you, and sooner or later she would open up to trusting you more and allowing you into her family.

    • Jonathan

      Do I give her space? or what do I do?

      Do I tell her we can work around anything she wants?

    • Jonathan

      What do i do?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Often times, a single parent dating again may have fears of committing themselves whenever a relationship gets too serious and some resort to finding excuses to push their partners away for fear of getting hurt. By proving that you're not going to walk out of her life simply because she tells you to, it might cause her to rethink her decision of wanting to end things because you come across as someone dependable. It's not about doing whatever she wants, but proving to her that you're trustworthy and reliable. You could tell her to take whatever time she needs with her daughter but you really like her and would still be there for her. You could even send thoughtful messages now and then, asking about her daughter, etc.

  • Adi B

    I have a quick question, not entirely sure if you cover it anywhere on this site, but how do I avoid letting her “have her cake and eat it too”?

    For example, she showered me with gifts on my bday and now it seems only fitting that i respond since her bday is literally one month later same day.

    Atm i get the feeling that, like i said, I’m letting her have her cake and eat it too. I’m not too sure if i am using that correctly lol i hope you understand what i am trying to say. If i get her flowers and gifts to reciprocate, would that positively move her closer to bringing up getting back together?

    I apologize if this is a stupid question.

    We’ve been speaking for over a month after no contact and have gone out maybe 6 times. Sometimes i feel she wants to hint at getting back together but other times i feel she doesn’t want to.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could use her birthday to soften her up with meaningful gifts, and that would probably increase your chances, but based on what you're saying - you seem to be doing fine even without that opportunity given that you've gone out with her a couple of times since NC. Just continue working on that and building up the level of comfort and bond you share with her.

    • Adi B

      At what point do I try telling her if we can take it slow again or something? I am worried I’ll end up in the friendzone and sooner or later she’ll meet someone else because I missed the chance. I mean sure she may be battling herself with getting back together and not but at what point will she believe I am “just a friend” since my elephant in the room text was replied to with “let’s be friends.”

      What if she is expecting ME to make the move? Like I said, at times it feels as if she is still interested in more than friendship and other times it feels as if not, as if she isn’t even there.

      I’m not sure I am explaining myself correctly.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always progress things along in a casual manner, similar to how you would progress when dating someone for the first time. Instead of just asking, why not go with the flow and let things happen on its own when you're out together with her.

    • Adi B

      Alright that sounds like a good idea. Take it slow.

      I have another question. Typically, friends split the bill and each pay for their own food and tickets to whatever with some exceptions of course. Should this be my behavior? Or should I pay for everything still as if it was a date although we’re not calling it a date?

      I’m not trying to be cheap, I’m honestly asking if I should behave as a friend OR as a date.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you were trying to win her back and you think offering to pay might continue to further impress her, you could always consider that. However, if it's genuinely more towards building just a friendship up for now first, split the bill.

  • Bradley

    Fantastic read..
    I stuffed up after 2 weeks Nc .. and gave her all the power.. she started having unrealistic demands topped off with she never loved me in the last 5 years we was together.. she is very angry because when she left i never chased her. Knowing my ex she is always after my to react..i think the last 5 month i have learnt not to react and that's why we are here.. after the demands and never loving me i didn't react and started no contact again.. now been 9 days. I have been blocked on social media she has been deactivating and reactivating her Fb... but i have to resist and temptation.. and book marking this site 9 days ago have gave me strength.. cheers for that
    Thanks again

  • Jesse

    First a little background. My ex and I dated for 3 1/2 months. We moved really fast (saying I love you after 3 weeks) seeing each other all the time (we would spend 4+ nights a week together) and texting/calling all the time as well. I have always been a little clingy in my relationships and she had the same issue so we became codependent. Fast forward to two weeks ago when she says she wants to slow down and just date (we had been talking about the future, marriage and kids a lot). I tried to stop all of the future talk but it was hard to go from talking about it all the time to never mentioning it. Well she broke up with me because I was clingy and got worse when I felt her pull away.

    When we broke up admittedly I was crushed and did the begging and negotiating thing that just made me look worse. Since I had been almost living with her half a week or more I got all of my stuff and she came the next day to get hers from my place. By the time I got home she had deleted and blocked me across all social media. She did not want to see me so she asked if I could leave her stuff outside. When I knew she had left I went outside and she had left a box of all the gifts I had given her from jewelry (including at Tiffany necklace that she adored) to stuffed animals.

    My questions are why would she give back all of the stuff that was gifts and how can I show her I have changed during the NC period since she had blocked me everywhere?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC period would not act as a continuation of the relationship in your case but rather a fresh start, as if you were dating someone for the first time. It seems that she wants to cut off all contact with you and make a clean break up right now, due to whatever that has happened. The best thing you can do is to let the breakup happen and slowly learn to accept it. By begging or asking for her back, you'll only push her further away and ruin your chances. Give her some time, and work on your issues in the meantime. At the end of NC, if she still does not want to respond to you or responds negatively, you might have to be fair to yourself and consider walking away from this.

  • Mario Villa

    I’m getting the feeling my ex is seeing someone else but she just won’t mention it and is hiding it, purposely.

    I dont think it’s insecurity or jealousy or neediness that feels this, it’s her behavior. Although I’m not the expert so it could mean something else, i suppose.

    Is there a way I can ask her casually without seeming like i am just still my old self? I am currently on rebuilding attraction, we have gone on a couple of dates, and already even have plans for two more. That sounds fine on paper, however, i keep feeling as if I’m in the friendzone. She doesn’t reject any physical touching though so that may be a good sign. However, she doesn’t initiate texting at all on days we aren’t going out.

    Can I casually ask if she has seen or is seeing anyone?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on how your ex is as a person. You could always casually mention it in passing as a joke or teasing her, but in all honesty, if she's only just dating someone casually, you'd stand a better chance given your connection with her, and by bringing the topic up, you risk her getting upset with you.

  • Javier Jose

    Are there any signs to know if my ex is playing hard to get? Or are they the same signs as the ones in the “signs they still love you” and “signs they want you back”?

    I’m past no contact, past two dates, with current plans for the weekend. I get some “we’re just friends” vibes but sometimes she hints at more.

    I know my ex well and I know she is prideful. She isn’t the type to chase. I’m the dumpee btw (perhaps that’s obvious).

    I’ve done some kino as advised in articles here, and after two dates i just felt the need to bring it up to see what she’d say about it. I said sorry if it’s a little weird for me to put my hand on your lower back or on your thighs or hold your hand when we cross an area or something, it’s natural and we’ve been getting along so well that it just comes to me. She replied with a positive tone saying if it got weird she’d let me know but we’re good rn, and it’s something we’re used to. Would i be crazy to think that’s a good sign? I mean if she didn’t see any kind of reconciliation in the future, wouldn’t she rather have me avoid this kind of touching?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      They can work in similar reasons as signs they love you or want you back mean they have feelings but have made it not very obvious for you to tell for certain. And probably so, that she would not allow you to touch her if she had 0 feelings for you or felt uncomfortable with it, but the fact that she didn't reject it meant she probably still feels something towards you. Continue to take things a step at a time, and see how it plays out.

  • Justin

    Ok so here is my situation. Me and my ex were together for a while and we both agreed that that time was the best time of our lives. Then one day she just said that she wasn't ready for a real relationship and said that she still had feelings for me, but she didn't think that we should be in any sort of serious relationship at the moment. I was very confused by this, but I didn't ask for any clarification because I took this as her asking for a bit of space. Instead, I went to a friend of mine who is also my ex's closest friend and asked what I should do and she also told me to give her space. I did this for about 2-3 weeks where we had minimal contact and I gave her space. She texted me a few times during this time, but I still didn't talk to her very much. She didn't want to talk about anything serious and I respected that until the end. That's when I just told her that I couldn't go on not knowing how she felt about me and I asked her to be more open when she talked to me (all of this was done as gently as possible). I told her that I wanted the relationship to work, but I couldn't go along not knowing how she felt anymore. After I said this she told me that she had lost feelings for me and that we should just be friends. I said "I have nothing against being your friend and I hope that we can continue to be friends and one day work towards something more, but I don't think we can do that at the moment." She just thanked me for understanding and I only brought it up for 3 days after the breakup. I acted visibly mopey for the first week, but I'm much better now. I talked to my friends and they helped me feel better and then I decided that I wanted to get beck together with her. I spent 4 weeks making a plan, but then one of her friends told me to stop and that my ex just wasn't interested anymore. After that I decided to restart my plan, but be a bit more subtle about it. Before I began trying again, I apologized to my ex for planning behind her back and that I did want to still be connected to her and us being friends is fine for now. Now I'm 5 days into no contact and I don't know what to do next. I already know that this is going to take a long time, and I'm willing to take the time because she is worth it, but she seems to have moved on in less than a month and she doesn't seem to care about me anymore, and I'm a bit discouraged by that. What can I do next?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Just because someone has lost feelings for you, doesn't mean those feelings can't be regained. The fact that she fell for you in the first place meant that there was something about you that attracted her. Understand what that is, and when NC is over, include that in attraction factor with your plan and win her back as if it were your first time chasing her.

  • seij

    I dated my girlfriend for almost seven years
    We'v had a few but major problems in the relationship n I ended it for 8 months. Then the girlfriend tried numerous times for us to back together, but jst ignored her attempts.n a few months later she started sending texts on WhatsApp and we were talking nicely and she's okay with us breaking up while we still texting each other she already dating a rebound bf but they'v been dating for like 4 months, I tried asking her back she told me she can't dump him for me. And she says we can still communicate cos she still loves me but we can't be to together anymo and that she has developed the luv for other guy...I would know what should or can I do to get her back to be my girlfriend

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There isn't much you can do at this point because she's in her rebound relationship, and it's best to let it self-destruct on its own as opposed to you interfering and causing feelings of hostility towards you. Bear in mind that you were the one who broke up with her and rejected her attempts to reconcile, resulting in her rebound relationship, so it's something you would probably have to live with. If you're convinced it's a rebound, it'll be over eventually. However in the mean time, work on improving yourself and your life in general and keep distracted.

  • Sebastian

    Elephant in the room message (I dont think you read it earlier :()

    Ex name,

    I write to you now to tell you that I’m sorry for the way I acted desperate stalking your social media after we broke up. It’s just that I wasn’t my best self after we broke up, it was a hard process for me and it made me behave in ways I hated. I wasn’t myself, and I’ve had time to work on that now.
    I also wanted to tell you that I’ve accepted our break up, I understand what brought our relationship to an end and can see how it drifted as apart. I’ve also spoken to my psychologist about it and it helped me see and learn from the mistakes I made.
    I finally decided to quit my old job, and finally got a job in something I like doing (I now work from home). Also been going to the beach lately, to my uncle’s house. Been focusing on improving myself to be the best me I can be.

    Hope everything is fine,

  • Brandon

    So I’ve gone past NC and also the first and second dates. I’m slowly trying to ease my way back in, however, after the second date it honestly feels like she just backed away. I don’t understand why? There are no signs of someone else or anything. We have plans for next weekend and yet she isn’t really replying to my texts nor did she reply to my phone call which we have obviously already gotten past getting back on calls. I noticed she was on social media, she just isn’t replying to me. What’s the deal here? After NC it seemed like she couldn’t get enough of messaging me, it seemed like she didn’t want the conversation to end. I tried to keep it going although i often ended it since the advice on here is to slowly build up the texting. Now it’s like she doesn’t want to text at all. Did i do something wrong?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps meeting you brought back negative feelings relating to the breakup, which caused her to act this way. I would suggest you give her more space, and to continue with NC again for awhile longer, before contacting her a second time.

    • Brandon

      But she set up another date herself (not sure if you missed that part). She called me up and said “dont make any plans this weekend we are going out with yada yada and bla bla (a married couple i met through her years ago).

      It’s a very odd situation, perhaps she is truly busy and obviously she isn’t obligated to text me. It’s just ODD that at first there was so much enthusiasm and now there isn’t.

      I’m handling it better than after the breakup where I’d ask dumb crap like “if you dont want to talk to me just tell me and I’ll leave you alone” and then bombard her with accusations.

      Please reply to this if there is any more input or at least some words of encouragement would be apreciated. THANKS.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Do you think there's a chance you did something to upset her during the second date? People would have different reasons to back away, one possibility could be that, while another may be that meeting you was more for closure than reconciliation, or even that she's simply busier during this period to maintain small talk with you. Either way, hang in there and give her a little space for now, and maybe drop her a text again in a couple of days to check in with her.

  • Alex

    Hello. First, I have to say that you are awesome! I am learning so much from your articles. However, i found them too late.
    Here is the story: we were dating for 4 and a half years, and were living together for 2 years. The last year or so went downhill because I didn't appreciate her anymore, took her basically for granted, and started to neglect her and her needs because of my new job, which was very stressfull, and I worked very long hours. I wasn't doing it on purpose, i loved her very much, she meant everything to me, and she still does.
    She decided that she wasn't in love with me anymore and left me on September 23rd of last year. Just 2 days later, she came back crying, saying she made a huge mistake and we got back together. But within the next 2 months, it all started coming back to her, she said she is again feeling trapped when she is in my house.
    She left for 3 weeks, she went on a holiday with her sister and her boyfriend. During that time she was away she called me because she missed me. When she came back after new year, she again came back crying, saying she missed me a lot and couldn't be without me. And again, everything was ok for a couple of weeks, but then, she decided she needs some space, and we should not see each other for a while. I agreed. About a month later, it was valentines, which was also our anniversary. My emotions got the best of me, i called her, we met up and i broke down crying ang begging her to take me back. She said she doesn't love me anymore, that she got used to living without me, and she was okay with it. She also said, that she wouldn't like to try again right now, but maybe when i move out of my house into an apartment by myself, because she just couldn't come back to that house. I of course was crying and said ok, just don't get rid of me because i can't live without you.
    That was 4 days ago. I only found your articles a day before yesterday, and immediately saw all the mistakes i made. I sent her a text message saying i was sorry for being rude and needy, my emotions got the best of me, and that i realised now, the breakup was a good thing. She replied she wishes me all the best in life. I did not reply to her, and started no contact.

    What do you think of this situation? Do I still have a chance?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the time you guys were together, you definitely do have a chance with her. However, you have to work towards understanding why she first decided she wasn't in love with you anymore, as well as her reasons for feeling suffocated, and changing those aspects about yourself if you want another shot. Since she has gotten used to living without you, there isn't a point in pressuring her to get back together with you right now, because you would come across as the one who is needy and desperate. Apply No Contact and work on those issues I mentioned earlier, before coming back to try once more as an improved person.

  • Jelly

    Hello, first of all thank you very much for his very informative website. It helps me
    accept the pains of my recent break-up. I'm a 36 yr old man from Europe (Netherlands) Although your website offers a lot of information, i still have some questions concerning my own situation and how to handle with it. I will try to write the story as compact as possible, since a lot has happened. I'm suffering from a mild form of MS.

    I was dating an 27 year old girl for 6 months, and she dumped me finally 3 weeks ago. We met through tinder, chatted about 1,5 weeks, started calling each other and the spark was there. When I first met her on date I was honestly a little disappointed, as she looked different in real live then on pictures. But we talked for hours and went to her house afterwards and slept together (was pretty fast for me, i don't like ONS actually). She asked me the next day if it was a one time thing, and I said no, so we started seeing each other more often. Eventually she told me she was sexually abused when she was like 13 (although she stated earlier that she was not carrying weight from the past). She told me she talked with psychologists about and that it was no issue anymore. But only recently she said she dared to talk to the person who did it to her, so i wondered if she really processed this all.
    She also told me her mother was pretty much a borderliner, and alcoholic

    She wanted to do stuff pretty fast in the relationship. After 1,5 month she wanted me to meet her parents. I said it was to quick for me, but she kinda tricked me into a “ coincidence” meeting, and so I met her parents. We had some discussions about the amount of contact on whatsapp and the amount of dates, but no fights. She had problems
    With her living situation, her work, and her grandfather being Ill. I felt she needed me too much for all her problems. When I couldn't be there for her when she called me in panic, and when I told her my own problems (MS) blocked me from coming over to her place, she would never accept it, and she was disappointed in me. I did do allot of other things to help her , and even went tot he hospital a couple of times, because her grandpa with colon cancer was almost dying. When I was there she was happy, but later on she seemed to forget those things I did, and stating, that I was never there for her when she needed me.
    She also complained about me being not sweet enough for her, and that she needed confirmation that I really liked her etc. She had a bit of a point, because I was careful in the beginning, and not 100% sure about my feelings for her.

    We had 4 serious months of relationship when we had fight about starting to live together, which was caused by her bad living situation, she paid a lot of money and had a dirty moisture house with problems. When I said i needed to think about it first, she got angry and probably felt rejected. She tried to blackmail me emotionally by saying “when she was not going to live with me, she would find another place, would stay there at least 2 years and would want to drive back and forth all the time (we live like 30miles apart from each other). After we had a big fight about it, she broke up from me. After a couple of days I started to miss her enormously and wrote her a letter that this break up made me see how much she meant to me and that I loved her (told that fort he first time). She cried and we had 2 nice weeks, where I showed much more of my loving side, and she confirmed that she saw I changed in the way she wished for, but that she needed to adjust, because of the rapid change of my feelings for her. She was colder emotionally in this period. After those 2 weeks she started another discussion over whats app (i asked her like 100000X no drama on whats app please, rather call) that she felt lonely on the birtday of her grandfather (she wanted me to be there). I responded that i could understand, but that we should have fun together before getting into family stuff again (because I had a fight with her mother). The she said, ok then it stops and I don't come with you and your family to Austria for Christmas then. I was pretty hurt because I did all kind of sweet things in the past 2 weeks, and she started to demand all kind off stuff again. We had a week of no contact and i went alone to Austria. I called her with Christmas, but she reacted very cold and could only talk about stopping the relation. I even called her dad couple of days later, explaining could reach her emotionally anymore, but her father also reacted cold (fort he first time!).
    With new years eve I did went to her place, and we had very good talk, and we slept together, but the days after she was much colder again, and the moment I complained about that, she broke up with me again. This time saying ice cold, that she wanted me to leave her alone. A knife in my heart. After this I started NC rule, for 3 weeks now.

    My question; I do want her back for some reason, but my fear is that she will never tell me she’s sorry for all the pain she caused me, since she was always only talking about all the negative things I did to her (and not the positive). I do know the things I did wrong, and already apologized for it. I also know she emotionally blackmailed me, and I let it happen.
    I don't know if I can handle the no-apologise, but I do want to talk to her.

    Thanks a lot, Jelly

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's something you have to understand if you want things to ever work out between you guys. A person like this comes with a lot of emotional and mental baggage, whether she admits it or not. Based on your story, this is quite evident, because most of the time, a person who has been abused growing up has a tendency of over reliance when they find a partner because of the comfort and positivity it brings to their life. While this may sound sweet/pitiful, there's also the flip side to things where the person also develops a sort of selfish tendency and is unable to empathize with others because they were never shown how. For your ex's case, she can probably only see things from her point of view and what she feels at the moment, so you shouldn't be expecting an apology.

      The case of where she breaks up with you whenever she doesn't have her way is a sign of conditioning, because she's been subconsciously conditioned since the first time that by breaking up, she eventually gets her way - but the process is definitely exhausting because at that moment, she may genuinely feel like she wants to break up and may treat you coldly. You're going to need a lot of patience with her, and even consider suggesting therapy if her issues do not get better. For the time being, I would suggest talking to her if you still feel strongly for her once NC ends, and slowly try to work things out again.

    • Jelly

      Hello Ryan,

      Thank you very much for your reply. Should I send the elephant in de the room letter after NC? I did try to show her her actions to me are based on fear, but she denies and blames me for everything. How do I make her clear that her fears destroyed our relationship, without getting another fight?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes you could send the letter if you want. And to be honest, the best way to bring this topic up is only when you've gotten her back, and she's in a positive frame of mind. During that period, at least she may be more receptive to change then as opposed to now.

    • Jelly

      It was 30 days now since last contact and i was about to send her the elephant letter. For the first time in those 30 days i decided to check her Facebook. My stomach turned when I read she did a status update about 10 days ago that she is in relation with a new guy. So half of januari i was in her bed the last time and month later she declares a new relationship on Facebook to the whole world. It is very obvious she jumped into a new relation almost immediatly and delibarately posted it on Facebook so freakin fast hoping that ill read iT (she didnt posted so fast stuff about our relationship at the time on Facebook and never a relationship update, she is not very active on Facebook btw . This sets me back in mental strongness and i probably should not send the letter now, since iT hurts like hell, i did read about the all the rebound stuff on this website. Do you agree that this is an obvoious rebound action and posting iT on Facebook is her way to try to hurt me? How long should i wait now? Thanks again, jelly

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It definitely sounds like a rebound relationship. Unfortunately, in this scenario, your only choice if you want her back is to wait it out until the relationship ends. I don't recommend you simply wait around and hope that it one day ends, but rather focus on yourself, and even consider moving on for the time being, and should an opportunity present itself in the future, based on how you feel, you could consider taking it up.

  • Tamal


    Our relationship is from last 8 years but from last 2 years we always fight for some reasons where i acepted myself now as my fault, the time we are in relation i didnt realize that i am doing wrong to her as i didnt want she talks always with her friends(male).so i stop her to do so its going and solving till date but now i did a huge mistake i flirt with someone but my intension is not to leave her... Which she caught and breakup with me finally.. So i dont want that she leaves me because i want to be with her till my end
    I feel sorry and realize what i have done from last years but this makes me too late as she told to move on.. I am afarid to loose her

    Plz help me out how i can get her back in my life

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Apply No Contact and give her some space to let go of her negative emotions relating to the breakup, and spend that time working to improve yourself before you contact her again.

  • Bray


    I was wondering, how should texting behavior be after first and second date after NC and after elephant in the room text? I did NC for a month, sent elephant in room text and got a positive response, after that I’ve gone out with my ex twice since then and she said she had a good time both times. The second time she brought up some stuff about the breakup, which surprised me. It wasn’t necessarily a “what went wrong” type of conversation, more of what her parents told her after she told em we broke up. She said both her parents told her that she was stupid. Again, this came out of the blue and i was very surprised.

    I kind of got the feeling she was struggling in her head or something I’m not sure, i may be overthinking. On multiple occasions it felt as if she was trying to get me to say something, again, i may be overthinking. I tried to keep my cool and keep the “we’re friends right now” idea although i did playful touching of course trying to avoid the friendzone.

    Like i said, on multiple occasions it felt as if she wanted me to tell her something because i would stay quiet for a minute just eating my food and she’d say “what?” I’d reply “huh?” And she’d ask “what’s wrong?” When i am pretty certain i was just enjoying my food, I’m fairly certain I didn’t have like a sad face or something for her to think there was something wrong. Again, i may be overthinking.

    I’ve known her for almost 7 years and i know she can be very, very proud. Too proud, to the point where I’m pretty certain she would not admit that she made a mistake or that she would like to try again because i think she’d want me to bring it up.

    We went out on Valentines Night (which was the second date, that’s also when everything i mentioned above happened.) At the end of the night, i dropped her off and just said goodbye (no hug, no kiss, no handshake). As i was walking to my car she stopped me and walked over to me and hugged me and said happy valentines day thank you for tonight i had a lot of fun.

    I guess ultimately i am asking if this sounds like im pretty close? I’m not trying to rush anything, and i know it sounds like i am obsessing BUT right before the breakup and after the constant rejection, due to my failure of implementing NC IMMEDIATELY, its like i feel a damn trauma where i am terrified of trying to reach out out of fear or rejection.

    So again, what should texting/calling behavior be at the moment?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It sounds like things are going well, and she's even ready to talk about the issues regarding the breakup. Regardless, you should keep things casual and continue to build up on connection if you're worried about facing rejection from her. You don't have to ask her immediately to get back together but drop hints of flirting, without seeming too pushy, and observe how she responds to you.

    • Bray

      There has been a development. She seems to answer my texts and calls if I initiate. Also seems willing to hang out. However, she never initiates texting at all. AT ALL. She did after the elephant in the room text, then all of a sudden she stopped initiating. She is active on social media however.

      You have any input or comment on that?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always continue initiating since she's been responding positively. Maybe she's used to the idea of you texting or calling first, resulting in her lack of initiation.

    • Bray

      But doesn’t that come off as needy? I mean I can see her enjoying being chased and I have no problem initiating, it’s just that I don’t want to seem needy or like I am still my old self.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, it's best to come across as being friendly but casual. If she does not initiate texts or calls, perhaps wait a couple of days before initiating again. You might need to build her comfort level further before she starts to do this on her own accord.

    • Bray

      There has been another development.

      We have been hanging out more frequently and it has been going fairly well. At this point I feel she is at least 70/30 about getting back together with 30 being getting back together. So there is a chance as far as I can tell but she is “iffy” about it.

      However, a few nights ago she invited me to her place after having dinner, it was the first time she had invited me back to her place since our relationship started going in the shitter (months ago). I feel I should add that during our dates she’s really “date-y” about it. She’ll feed me with her fork and do things like that.

      Anyway, after dinner, we bought some drinks and some pot. We smoked and got really high and then drank a few beers at her place while watching tv. She seemed a little pushy about me finishing my blunt. I expressed the concern of driving home high and drunk and hinted at NOT wanting to stay over (since im not trying to rush any feelings or emotions or any physical contact). She expressed it was still early and not to worry about it, like I said she seemed pushy about it. So i smoked the whole thing and drank some more and she came out in some somwhat revealing sleeping clothes or pjs. At this point I’m positive of her intentions although i am not sure which is why i am posting on here. The pot and the alcohol got the better of me (the weed had me feeling horny halfway through but i was sure i was gonna control it until I couldn’t). I felt her up and she didn’t push me away until i leaned in to kiss her. She told me to stop a couple times until she gave in. The entire night we kissed as i felt her up and from time to time she would tell me to stop and other times she would kiss me.

      After the high and the alcohol passed, and i came to my senses, i pulled away and took a nap for about an hour or two but i kept getting woken up by her cuddling me and holding my hand and resting on my shoulder and then woke up to her pulling me on top of her so i could sleep more comfortably while she caressed me.

      After this i woke up feeling normal again and i said i was leaving and she it was ok and we just hugged goodbye and that was that.

      Any advice or comment on this please??? I’d really apreciate it.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Everyone has needs from time to time. This could have been her way of expressing that, although mixed with uncertainty at the situation. If you'd like, you could have a talk with her to address the issue of where this is headed and how she feels, before deciding on your next course of action. Alternatively, you could continue to maintain contact with her and work on building up the bond and comfort between the both of you.

    • Bray

      I think I’m getting ready to “take the plunge” but I’m not too sure how to or if I really should. Ideally, it’s supposed to come from her, as far as I have read through your articles. However, sometimes she seems like she wants something more, but then other times it seems like she doesn’t. I guess it’s to be expected, correct? So I’m not really sure how to bring it up.

      I know I’m supposed to be as skeptical about it as she is, which I truly am. Our break up was painful, and the fact that it could happen again is scary. Although I am positive it would be a better relationship this time. I have completely accepted that the past relationship is over and there is no going back to it, and I am glad because there were so many things in that relationship that I didn’t like (mainly about me). No contact and your site and articles overall have helped me immensely. I am grateful for your advice even if it doesn’t workout with my ex, I feel like I am in a better place for the future.

      So how exactly can I bring up the idea of us going a minor step past “friendship”? At the moment we are friends. Strictly friends with the exception of the experience we shared mentioned above ^ in my last comment. Since that experience, she has called me more often. She also initiates texting more often. But still, like I said, sometimes it feels as if she wants something more, but then sometimes it feels like she doesn’t. Sometimes it’s like she is there, and then it’s like she’s not. It’s kind of odd but I assume this is to be expected?

      I’d definitely like some help with bringing it up and taking the plunge.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Although it's best if the initiative could come from her, but sometimes if she's playing hot and cold, it might be better for you to take charge of the situation instead of sitting around wondering what her intentions could be. You could ask her out sometime soon in a casual date-like manner and see how things go from there.

  • Sebastian

    Hey! So, me and my ex gf broke up a couple weeks ago (january 23rd). I did the whole stalking her social media and nagging her about it/being persistant etc. I'm currently doing NC, planning on sending her the "elephant on the room" message in around 1 month (like march 10th). Is there a way to have you look at it first Ryan?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could send it as a reply here and I'll take a look at it.

    • Sebastian

      Ex name,

      I write to you now to tell you that I’m sorry for the way I acted desperate stalking your social media after we broke up. It’s just that I wasn’t my best self after we broke up, it was a hard process for me and it made me behave in ways I hated. I wasn’t myself, and I’ve had time to work on that now.
      I also wanted to tell you that I’ve accepted our break up, I understand what brought our relationship to an end and can see how it drifted as apart. I’ve also spoken to my psychologist about it and it helped me see and learn from the mistakes I made.
      I finally decided to quit my old job, and finally got a job in something I like doing (I now work from home). Also been going to the beach lately, to my uncle’s house. Been focusing on improving myself to be the best me I can be.

      Hope everything is fine,

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That sounds fine. Seems to include everything necessary.

    • Sebastian

      Should I let her know I had an interview in her country last week? we had a long distance relationship.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you could let her know when you are actually talking to her again. Including the interview may feel a little negative (missed opportunities) for starting out.

  • Aly

    Hi!my ex broke up with me 4 months earlier.I made first mistake to texted her again and again.she does't want to talk me,but i want to get her back.We spend 4-5 hours daily in uni and talk all night,But now we did't talk.she broke up with me due to misunderstanding.I asked her to talk to clear misunderstanding but she said i don't want to talk and went.what should i do?her birthday is on 21 feb. wish her or not? I saw her daily and totally upset.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could wish her when her birthday arrives, but if she is still upset and does not want to talk to you, do not push her for a conversation after that and continue giving her more space.

  • Eugene

    Hi, after 3.5 years together. My fiancee and I broke up (both 29yo) on 17th Dec, before that having a one week timeout initiated by her. While giving many other reasons (mostly due to underlying issues and communication issues) to break up, she mentioned she was unhappy, and wanted to find her own happiness, date guys who can give her that kind of happiness etc. The main reason was that she found out i flirt texted on 3 incidents, 2 before the proposal (which was in June), 1 (August) after the proposal, and how I dealt with it (sweeping under the carpet) on the 3rd incident that made her decide I wasn't the one for her, to my defense, I was 'guilty as charged', so I did not defend myself, kept quiet and felt that I could only reassure with my actions quietly from then on. She also given an ultimatum that 2nd incident was the last one. She mentioned that her family issue back in August, made her delayed the break up. But during these few months, although I felt less passionate and affection from her. She was still wearing the ring, and still does some sweet thing once in a while.

    So after the breakup, I met her a few times, at her place, pleaded with her, persuaded her etc. And expectedly, it didn't work out. She was very firm in moving on for good, and that she doesn't want me to be part of her life anymore. She went home and texted something hurtful by saying, that 'she is moving on, she is seeing other guys and I gotta let her go.' After which, I felt stupid after direct approach didn't work out, so I decided to give her space and stopped contact for awhile. In between there wasn't much contact, probably a few texts every 10 days etc?
    A friend of ours texted her to find out how she was 2 weeks ago, which was about 1.5 mths after the break up. She mentioned that she's good, and that she has moved on, dating other guys, meeting new people. Could it be so? Or was she just trying to chase me away?

    So last week, we arranged to meet up and do a closure, while returning our stuff. Our normal conversation was good, we are still able to talk, laugh, disturbed each other. I decided to try to talk to her about our relationship, which she obliged and listened, and at the end, I asked to give us another chance. Probably from different approach, she teared out of frustration and probably she tried to end the conversation by saying 'it's different now, her feeling is gone'

    So right now, I've decided to do the No Contact, til end of March. While I work on myself emotionally and change of career.

    Can you please advice me?
    I would also like to know what could be on her mind as well.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To put things simply, it could be that she has lost feelings towards you, but the memories and experiences that you both went through together isn't something that just fades. It's similar to saying 'I love you, but I'm just not IN love with you' - however, under these circumstances, you probably still stand a chance sometime down the road, but just not at the immediate moment. You're going to have to cut contact with her for now, and to let her slowly forget about the negative emotions she feels towards you and her general perception of 'moving on' from you. Work on yourself during this period, and make improvements to yourself (your appearance, mentality, etc). When you contact her again in the future, she will notice the difference of a changed version of you, that may incite her curiosity once more.

  • Triistan

    Hi, my ex girlfriend and I were together for over 6 months, we both realised we felt something special, anyway, I know she's confused and not herself, she used lots of excuses none of them a reason to break up as it is easily fixed by us working on it together and communicating more, on the phone, i asked is this us breaking up? She said like in a confused manor I suppose so.. I know she wasn't sure as she wasn't being her usual self. I suggested having a few days to think and see how it goes, 5 days went and I messaged asking if she was ready to talk and had enough time to think, she suddenly changed and became rude and blunt, not herself and saying she doesn't need to talk, she doesn't feel the same (said that before aswell) and can't rekindle the same feelings, so we are meeting tomorrow to exchange bits we have, we have had no contact for a few days since, if we have any it'll only be about time to meet and I'm wondering what do I say? I want to get her back and I know for a fact that she loves me as she said she still loves me, how do I go about saying about the no contact for like 30 days? She hasn't blocked my number, but has blocked me on social media which is good as no contact will work then, but I want to tell her or not tell her in a way that will not ruin any chance of us getting back together permanently. We both said and realise at the start that the way we felt was different and more intense than other relationships, felt calm and excited with eachother and it was special, there was a feeling and connection not felt before.. But we didn't even get a try or chance, it's like she jumped the gun and this is a rash decision, she is very stubborn by nature. I want to give us a chance as I see a future and so does she as we spoke about it. Thanks, Triistan.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to announce to her that you're applying no contact, but rather, just apply it on your own. The whole point of it is to give both parties space and for you to work on any issues you think can be improved. You have to give her the space to let go of any negative emotions or fears she may have, in order to start on a fresh page again.

  • Daniiel

    I am writing this confused and worried. My gf broke up with me but not by normal methods of breaking up, she kind of done it over the phone with me without ever saying it then I suggested we have some time no contact and then see how it goes, she agreed, then after 5 days I messaged asking how she was and she has had enough time to think and if she was ready to talk.. she said she doesn't need to talk she doesn't feel the same about me anymore but on the phone days before said she still in love with me, and still loved me but doesn't feel the same about me, she did mention she felt I was being a bit clingy and I know I need to work on that (using this guide). She got quite harsh and rude in the texts.. that hurt and confused me more, now we are meeting in a couple of days to exchange over items we have of eachother, what do I say to her? I know I want to get her back but I don't want to tell her I still love her as that will not go well.. what do I do and say?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, she could have been nice over the phone because she was afraid of hurting your feelings directly back then, but messaging makes it easier to remain distant from the entire situation. I suggest telling her when you meet up that you acknowledge your shortcomings back in the relationship and you'll be working to improve yourself. You could also bring up the idea of remaining friends, so that once you've worked on yourself, can build a new bond and try to win her back again. Remember not to come across as pushy or pressure her into anything she doesn't want to, at even if she responds negatively, just treat it as taking a few steps backwards. You can still turn it around.

  • Asmen

    I'm 50. I feel I need a serious support from you. We're having a wonderful relationship my girlfriend for last six years with high intimacy and enjoyed sex whenever possible. She is 45. I'm having a wonderful family with two kids and she also got her family with kids. But due to some doubts on me, she broke with me two to three times. But I'm able to manage her back to normal life. She is working in my company. I brought her to my company only after we started of our relationship. She is very capable and doing her job very successfully. We are able to spend a lot of time together.

    First, we broke because of her doubt on me with another lady. But it was a very fair relationship and I was almost like a mentor for her and she helped me in some financial troubles. I kept it hidden not to worry her for a long time and she caught us over phone red-handed. That was a very serious and she resigned. But I beg pardon and I explained everything she forgave me. But so suspicious on every relationship even with my relatives. It happened once more when I kept hidden something not to worry her and broke again. Again managed to get her back but She asked me to cut all suspicious relationships and I accepted. I'm so sincere to her till this moment and never thought about any other dating relationship even before I met or after we fell in love. She is the second lady with whom I had the physical relationship in my life after my wife.

    I was keeping some financial or company things hidden only because not to make her sad on that. But on many occasions when she comes to know about it she will burst out and will become so violent and try to break from me and the relationship. I had given oath many times to her that I won't lie or hide anything from her. But on many occasions due to fear of losing her, I kept hidden and lied many times to her. In last December one such thing happened and finally, she left me. nearly after 1 year, I managed to get her back as my employee in my company, on condition, i will not pressure her into the former relationship but only employee and max a normal friend but not intimate. We were had a lot of discussions apologies, but nothing worked out. She is not happy if care here more and if showed much affection. But she is very normal to me now.

    But I'm undergoing a very stressful period and she is my first love. I'm 50 now and all my motivation is surrounding her and I want to get her back permanently. But I fear, she had few earlier relationship which also broke but she never goes back to that what may happen. She is a person like, once broken is broken and she will never get back to it. What may happen I want her back. I'm ready to answer any of your questions. I need her back. Her husband is not at all supporting her for her living and abuses her very much. He continues to do it from her marriage days itself. She had her marriage 20 years before and still together.

    She got a feeling that I cheated or betrayed her. But I haven't done anything wrong or insincere to her except hiding or telling lie. But that is most important to her but its normal to me. But I'm ready to change. My company is going thru a financial struggle and I need this relationship back to set right everything. I need her back at any cost for the rest of my life. We are meeting everyday at the office and having normal and official communications directly and over the phone also. But she shows no intimacy to any of these communications and she told that she is not even thinking about me when I'm away. Need your sincere help and advice to her back.

    I did a lot of mistakes before coming to your site like begging, pleading, apologizing, promising on future and bad things possible as you pointed out. Now i started the no contact as you suggested. But that be limited as we are are meeting everyday in office and a lot of official communications. Please reply. Is you EBP advanced will work on this scenario? please reply on how to proceed.

    • Asmen

      Hi team Ryan,
      Still waiting to get a suggestion from from your expertise. getting replies to all comments except me. please suggest if i dd anything wrong or please suggest the right way. Just to know that purchasing EBP will help me in my odd scenario. Please give some advise. Given this comment with a lot of belief on you after getting in to your site suggested by a friend in Texas. He is also wondering what happened. please help.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi, I believe I had replied you some time back but the message might have gotten lost somewhere. Regarding your situation, although you did not cheat, you still did lie to her and that contributes severely to a person's trust towards you. You will have to build that trust back up if you want a shot at winning her back. The first thing however, is to deal with the fact that you work together with her. For the time being, keep things strictly professional and only work related. Give her some space and time to forgive you, and let go of any negative emotions, as well as to slowly gain her trust once more. EBP system may definitely help, as it does provide various methods on winning someone back, and also guides your mindset, to not come across as desperate or needy.

    • Asmen

      Thanks a lot. How long i should keep this "only professional relation ship"? You feel still i got a chance to get her back? Thank you...

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she does not quit her job because of you, that means she is either fine working with you because she still harbors feelings, or that she has completely moved on. However, given the circumstances, it's unlikely that she would have moved on completely. Keep the professional relationship for as long as necessary until you feel that you can have a normal conversation with her without being awkward and a certain level of comfort starts to re-develop.

    • asmen

      Thank you so much. But I'm afraid, getting in to "friend zone" as you mentioned in the guide.

  • Sean

    Hey who ever is reading this

    About two months ago my ex broke up with me, out of nowhere and used the basic texts to justify it. As it was my first real relationship (bc i'm still Young) i fell out of all the clouds of happiness in which i was. We were a couple since 5 months and before that we've been in the same school for three years. In the first two to three weeks after the break up, we were still having contact over Snapchat, just like we were normal friends.
    There was no contact in the last month, but she was always on my mind to be true.
    Now she suddenly sent a Snap this monday and also today (friday). We shared a few messages and i was trying hard not to appear needy, which didn't work out all that well. She didn't seem especially interested but she made contact again...
    Can somebody tell me what that means? Is she still interested in having contact with me?
    Thanks in advance

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she contacted you again, it could either mean she's still interested in you, or at least interested in remaining friends with you. Either way, if you do want her back, it'll be a good idea to continue with the conversation by definitely try your best not too come across as desperate or needy and start things off casually first. Build up a stronger connection again with her before thinking of the next step.

  • Luke

    I met a girl 100 days ago who I fell more and more in love with, 2 weeks ago we met for the first time, then the week after again at her place. Everything was fine until later that day, when I was home. She blocked me everywhere without even saying anything to me. I have no clue of why this happened, because she didn't say something she disliked about me before. It has been 4 days ago this occured. And i have been NC since 3 days ago, since I was desperetly tried to contact her, which didn't work out. So im still as confused as day 1. I don't know if you can block peoples messages on phone, so I could try to contact her there after a month. What do you think I should do? I really like her. I don't want this to end so quickly.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could try to contact her again casually after NC ends, but you should mentally prepare that it doesn't work out, and to walk away if she still doesn't reply. She may have her reasons for leaving you so suddenly like ex boyfriend walking back into her life, or personal matters, of which you'll probably have to let go of things if she won't even tell you what the reasons are, because it means that she's prepared to cut you out completely.

    • Luke

      Thanks, I'll try that, I won't get my hopes up because it's very unlikely that she responds, we'll see what happens. Thank you for your time.

    • Luke

      What should I say to her do you think?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always start off with something light hearted, and see where it takes you. The whole point is to be as casual, and not to raise any of her defenses, so you'll have to come across as a friend. You could follow this article for more tips on how to go about contacting her again.

  • Sophie


    So I realized recently how much I want to get back with my ex. After reading this article I realize it was going well until I screwed it up. We were together 3 years, have been apart for 1 and have a son. He lives in another state too. He visits every month or two. He was here this weekend and we went out with our son and had a great time. He mentioned it was great. Then we went out to dinner just the two of us. We were having a good time and then I brought up us getting back together. His defenses went up and he completely rejected the idea of getting together. I continued to talk about it for much too long. How do I fix this? Also, do I need to invest a lot more time in building a connection since we live in different places, have a kid and reconnecting would be such a big deal? Thanks!

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, it would be a good idea to slowly build the connection back up instead of jumping at the idea of getting back together. Also, you need to understand why the relationship didn't work out the last time, and why your ex is reluctant at the idea of getting back together. If you can dispel his worries and doubts, he would probably be more open to things.

  • Wilson Henry Usher.

    Hello Ryan,
    My girl friend just broke up with me on Saturday. We were having a beautiful conversation and all of a sudden she brought my ex girl in the conversation. I got mad about it and it brought huge misunderstanding. I needed to send her my call log and noticed that her name was saved as Ahmed Gift and My ex as "So Mine". But honestly that I thought that was normal. I have been pleading with her. She confessed she still love but I have to move on this she's time to heal and she's afraid of getting hurt. she said if I need her she will be there. Am seriously in pains. What do I do?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would recommend you following through with no contact to give her the time she needs to let go of any negative emotions of you and your ex. At the same time, focus on picking yourself up from the hurt you feel because she's not going to come back into your life if you're an emotional mess. Work on yourself and after following the no contact rule, if the decision to win her back remains the same, you could initiate contact once more with her.

  • Alex

    So, on tge 30th of nov my ex declared she hasn‘t been missing me as much when i‘m not around like she did a year ago when we were dating, and said she needed alone time to find out what that means. Until then we were ülanning to move to a different city, no warning there.
    So after two weeks of her being very ver unsure, she broke up. She said she has deep fwwling but there are reasons she will not tell me. I took a week of spontaneous vacation, came back and demanded she shouöd at least tell me the reason she broke up. After a lot if convincing she toöd me it was just little things she never wanted to talk about and that was why shw went cold. So now i am moved away (already signed a job contract), and i still want her back. I did 2 weeks of NC until she messaged me happy christmas (i didn‘t respond, i didn’t know how), the next day she texted that she understands now that her lack of communication was the reason and that she hurt mw deeply by this but that she stays with the decision. I didn’t respond to that either, wxcept after 10 more days i just texted „i know you feel sorry. Merry christmas and happy new year.“ and left it at that. 2 weeks later i sent the elefant in the room text. She responded that i don’t need to be sorry, she didn’t act mature and stuff, but ahe made the decision now and that means however we proceed with each other is now my call and that she hopes i have a good new start away (i don’t, honestly, everything was planned for the two of us, and the other stuff falls apart rn, but that’s unrelated) and she wants to hear from me sometime.
    So, i‘m waiting 5 days now and then reinitiate casual contact.
    Unexpected turn: an employer back in the city i used to live with my ex called and is hinting at a really good job opening in 2-3 months, which is incidentally my earliest bail out of my current contract.
    My question is, do you see a tactic for me to either get back with her on a initiaöly long distance basis until i cssn move back (which is what i would do in any case, great job offer) or can i stretch that phase of reconnecting to that point without friendzoning myself for life?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be frank, it's hard to fully go into the friendzone if you were once her ex. If feelings could be sparked once, it can be sparked again although the second time may be a little harder. My suggestion would be to build some form of friendship back up with her first and re-create the spark with her slowly, and trying to hint or get her excited at the fact that you're possibly returning in a couple of months. See how she responds from there.

    • Alex

      Hey! Thanks. Yeah that‘s what i do, basically i stick religiously to the plan.
      Had a few casual encounters with other women in the mean time (great confidence booster and since it‘s out of her social circle it ain’t gonna hit her hard any time soon). Thing is, i do have a tendency to reactive depression she knows about, and while i am pretty used to it, i think she feels guilty of possibly having me pushed into another one (she has, not the wordt i had so far but pretty up there).
      So yeah. I‘m right now casually texting her (like when i see a cute dog in the street i take a pucture and send it to her. We always talked about getting a dig when we move in together). She seems very reserved. When i did a big facebook announcement about a big give away party at my place so friends can get some free stuff when i move she said she was unsure if she should text me before i leave for good (she didn‘t. I expected that). I think she misses me, but she sticks with the decision or she would look crazy to herself. I know, i‘ve been there myself a long time ago.
      Okay, well, thanks for the tip on hinting on my possible new job in town once we have more of a connection. I‘ll totally do that.
      And wow, thanks about empasising on no contact So much.
      I stuck to it (as best as i could) and it at least did wonders for me. I speak a new language now, made about 20 new friends, went to some massive parties and got involved with some marvelous ladies.
      If i hadn’t alteady found the one i want to be with, i‘d totally go for one if them. I guess that‘s the mindset i need. Knowing there is abundancenof happiness, but choosing the specific kind of happiness with that specific person. Thanks for all of that.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I'm glad to hear that you've had such a positive impact towards No Contact. Not everyone receives the same success as you, but that's because sometimes they get disheartened or give excuses and try to take the easy way out. If she's currently still reserved, just give it a little more time and conversation for her to open up more, and you can take your next step from there.

  • Lucas

    Hey so I was with my girlfriend/ fiance for 6 years, and i knew her for 8 years. We had our problems about being faithful after I cheated and then she did the same, but we were teens then and made sure I would never do that again. However I became insecure after she cheated and became verbally aggressive and controlling and eventually she broke up with me because I caught her talking to another guy. My worst fear. Now their relationship isn't sexually at the point i found out but I still panick and began to beg and cry. the same day we broke up we had sex and said we would remain friends. Then we went like 4 days or so without speaking each other, I tried to get her back by being confident, like day six or seven. It didnt go well. It was suppose to be friends outing but I called it a date in front of her. Then I tried to have sex with her and she said no. Then I told her that I love her. Now I wondering if I start NC that I can healed up and eventually become a guy who she could re-attract her, or is it too late.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Right now, if you continue to pursue her, she might go to the other guy regardless for comfort against you. It might be a better idea to let her be and start NC to work on your insecurity issues, which you will need sorted out before you begin working towards getting her back.

  • Darron Mayweather

    I was in a long distance relationship. My ex gf broke up with me. I pretty much followed the program. We had a great talk where she clearly outlined her concerns and that if they could be addressed She could see herself ending up with me long-term. She has booked a flight to come see me for the weekend. How do I make sure to not mess this up?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Just be yourself, don't be too anxious about things and keep things casual. Treat the meeting as if it were your first date and you're meeting for the first time.

  • John

    Hi, my girlfriend of a little over 2 years and I broke up very recently. I did the whole begging thing and letting her know I would change for 1 night, and just began NC a day ago. Before I began NC I sent one last message apologizing for continuing to pressure her into getting back and I would begin to respect her request for time and space. I have set a NC period of 30 days. My question is after those 30 NC days are up, what is the first thing I’m supposed to say back to her? Is it a “elephant in the room” message followed by the 5 days of NC again?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could either do that or depending on how she responds to you, to continue talking to her casually after.

  • Rory

    My partner of the last year and a half broke up with me about two weeks ago. I did the whole begging, but for about a day before I just asked if they'd be my friend. They agreed, then changed their mind, and then later said they do want me around.
    Right now, I have disappeared. Without a word to anyone but family, I'm taking a week vacation without Wi-Fi, or messaging them or any of our friends.
    They act apathetic, but will still reply to me, and has hugged me since then. Half of their family has messaged me, including their mother and grandmother. They're talking about feeling suicidal, dropping out of school, not wanting friends or to be around people.
    After this week, I do plan on messaging them the "Elephant" message, I plan on doing the NC for a week out of concern for them.
    What's your advice here? They said they don't have feelings for me anymore, but now they seem to be in a downward spiral. I love and care about them very much.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC can have that effect on your ex. Sometimes the lack of contact and sudden change in lifestyle routines would cause your ex to miss you very much. If you feel that the amount of time that has passed is enough since the breakup, and you have managed to pick yourself up since, you could go ahead and contact her.

  • Jack

    Recently I broke up with my gf and I really want her back. she didnt break up with me because she doesnt love me anymore but she broke it up because she thinks it wont work anymore. eversince the break up, i learned my lessons and i tried getting her back. i apologized and i promised i will change and she said she trusts me and will give me another chance. before that, she also sent me a message that she misses me and etc. i asked her few days ago and she said yes we are going to be back but for now, she said lets be friends and i agreed. everything was going smoothly. i had a meetup yesterday, and in the movie theatre, i tried not to show my affections and and keep the status “friends” but then she leaned on me, hugged me and kissed me and eventually we made out (she is the one who broke up)( i just went with the flow). after all these, when we were bout to go home, she said she is confused whether we should stay as friends or continue relationship. she thinks that we are just trying to force a toxic relationship/scared it will repeat what happened when we were dating (there was no cheating or whatsoever). she said she isnt mentally prepared for another relationship. she cried alot and i can see that shes having a very hard time making the choices. she decided that we should be close friends. what should i do to get her back as my gf and make her happy? does no contact rule apply to me now or is it too late? i can see that she really wants to be in a relationship but then she is scared… should i just move on?? pls helpppp (im 17 and we dated 20 months)

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she is unsure but you want to be with her, then you can convince her that things will be different since both of you are aware of what needs to change to avoid a toxic relationship. Ultimately, it's also how you feel about it, if you want to walk away, then do not lead her on any further.

  • DerekThePirate

    So, my ex and I are kind of talking on and off. She broke up with me because she didn't think I loved her and she didn't think I was sexually attracted to her. I was dealing with stress and had a porn addiction. She turned me on like crazy but I felt bad because it would take me forever to finish because I had usually taken care of myself before. (I have since fixed this addiction). We talk, but she is still having doubts about getting back together, she thinks things will just be the same. I keep showing support for her and try to show that I am more in tune with being there for her where I lacked before. Just having a tough time breaking through her wall. I don't know what else I can do. I guess just take my time building the trust?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yeah you can't rush into it when you're trying to build trust and regain her confidence in you once more. Take it a step at a time and remember that the fact that she responds to you is already a good sign.

    • DerekThePirate

      She says she still thinks about the mean things I said at the end of the relationship and that it made her numb. She wants to hangout in the new year so I take that as a small victory. Just need to keep things slow. I kinda jump ahead when I start to make progress. I will be away for most of January, so hopefully that will give her time to heal more. There is possibly a new guy trying to get in the picture though so I'm worried that month away will give him time to swoop in while she's still mad at me.

  • Vijal

    My situation is like i was in long distance relationship for almost 1 Nd half year and we never meet in real yet and we were planning too meet and in between she start falling for someone else and then she gave Me reason that her parents isn't agree and all this while leaving me and she dating someone now and its been almost 3 months from now and she is with him and i have done all possible ways to convince her and lost my self respect as i begged, i try to make her remember our sweet moments, but she gets angry on that and after that i ask forgiveness also and she said she forgiven but just ignoring me and im giving time also as its been month i didn't talk anything with her.
    There will be my chance to get her back in my life as its been 3 months of my break up and her new relationship.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider moving on since you have never met her but she might have met him. This makes things difficult for you as her connection with him might be stronger due to the physical memories they've shared. You can try talking to her once but if she doesn't respond positively, do yourself a favor and walk away.

  • Bunny

    Dude.. i lost my girlfriend once as she left me 9 months back and soon after that i got to read this article of yours and it damn worked for me wonderfully.
    i followed your advice and emails regularly and now here i am.. having got my gf back 3 months back and our bond has become more stronger by this time currently.
    a big 'THANK YOU' for your guidance and now living a much happier life than i had before our breakup.

  • Steve

    So I have completed 30 days of NC other than a couple little things here, she text me on thanksgiving and I didn't reply till the next day cuz it was her birthday so I killed two birds with one stone. And then the only other contact was when she was coming over to pick up her dog from my house. But I made sure that I wasn't home and that someone else was there to give her the dog. So after the 30 days I sent her a good reminder text and she responded well. A few days later we spoke a little about how our dogs are (since I have one and she has one) so now I'm just waiting a few more days to try and send another good reminder text or something along those lines. Is this a good idea? I know you're not suppose to let fear rule anything right now but I just fear that she is only replying because she said she wants to remain "friends." During the 30 days NC I have been proactive on improving myself by hanging out with friends more, picking up some hobbies, and going to the gym. But the fear that I will end up in the friend zone is what gets me. Any suggestions or more tips?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the relationship you shared with her was a meaningful one, it's unlikely that you'll be in the friendzone (not for long at least). Even if she wants to remain just friends, it's something you should take as it's already better than her ignoring your messages and gives you more room to build up a stronger bond. Some people get the shortcut of their ex instantly wanting them back, while some others would have to go through a slightly longer route of nurturing the relationship up first as a friend before trying anything more.

    • Steve

      It was a 6 year long relationship so it was definitely meaningful. But right now (before the NC) she was saying that she doesn't want to date anyone or anything because she just wants to find out more about herself apparently. But last night I sent her a good reminder text again and she replied with "I'll never forget that" so today I tried to keep the conversation going by saying "Happy Festivus" along with sending a picture of us from an event for that "holiday" (a made up holiday from her favorite show Seinfeld). And she never replied. So I'm gonna take a step back and see what happens, so hopefully her and I can hang out sometime in the near future so she can see the change in me.

  • Alex H.

    Hi Kevin:

    My ex and I “broke up” about 45 days ago. We are officially not together anymore, however we still live together because we have a kid and we own a home together, and she still relies on me in many ways. We broke up because of something I did over jealousy and insecurities. I did the 30 days no contact rule even though we live together, and after 30 days I sent her a elephant in the room text with no response. So I continued no contact strategy for 2 weeks. During that period she tried to irritate me and get a reaction out of me by constantly complaining and doing little annoying things, but I continued to ignore her. She even got jealoused when I was hanging out with coworkers. When I saw her attitude changed for the better in the last few days, I sent her a good memory text asking her out for dinner to catch up. She responded immediately saying yes and planned on catching up tomorrow. At the last minute, she texted me saying her boss asked her to go to a holiday party and she can’t back out. FYI when we were together she has never gone out to these parties. She made sure I noticed her new dress and heels and new outlook. Ever since the break up she rarely went out and seemed depressed. I texted her back wishing her having fun at the party and asked her if she wants to reschedule with no response. She also didn’t say anything after she came home (keep in mind we still live together, during the no contact period I tried to minimize contact). Only saying it was a good stress reliever, should i continue no contact strategy or work on rebuilding connection over text?

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could try once more building a connection and if it doesn't work out, continue with NC again. Bear in mind that if you could make changes to your life (go out with coworkers, etc), she may do the same as well. As to whether cancelling on you at the last minute was out of spite or that she really had no choice, is something only you would know for sure.

  • Zero

    It's been nearly a year since I broke up with my ex. This has been a great and more polished read, and I thank you for that. This past year has been a roller coaster. I made plenty of mistakes, big and small but I would like to say that I've learned a lot and made changes to myself... and I'm still spotting my weaknesses/mistakes and trying to improve.

    After breaking up, I still worked at the same food court as my ex for 4+ months. Considering the state I was in, it would have been best if I just quit right away. I realize now that even though I tried to act normal and happy, I was miserable and pitiful and if anyone saw through me, it was definitely my ex. I realize now that even though I only texted her about 5 instances within this year, she found them annoying not so much because of what I texted but her PERCEPTION of me that I portrayed during work. She knew I was still not over her. The thought of me is very unpleasant for her.

    I worked on this EBP program earlier this year (still haven't done all my worksheets haha), and I sent an incomplete Elephant text (I realized that I only completed the first step of the Elephant text). I wrote a comment earlier this year too on the "texting" EBP page... Kevin told me to show her that I accepted the breakup. This was hard because I stopped seeing her due to my new job. I also wasn't ready yet.

    **Months later and it's the day before her birthday. I haven't talked her or seen her for 3 months and some change. I snoop through her instagram and saw that she made it public. It also seem like she broke up with her recent boyfriend. Without thinking, I tapped on her profile image and saw her Instagram story. I messed up big time... Eventually she saw that I was one of the viewers of her Instagram story and blocked me on instagram the afternoon of her birthday. Just when I thought things were building up to be good to say hi too... Man, that was devasting to my heart. I texted her anyway and said, "Happy birthday. I hope you have a wonderful day". Of course there was no reponse.

    I ranted and talked to a few friends afterwards, and the conclusion I came to was that I will always love her, but I have to move on. I have to live life for myself.

    ***Recently started dating someone I've known for a while. I always knew she had a thing for me and I was also attracted to her so I thought I would give it a shot. This time around, she's the one that really likes me and I'm just going with the flow and taking it step by step (compared to my previous relationship). I'm also learning a ton from this relationship and realizing many things from my previous one with my ex. I still catch bad habits that I use to to do with my ex, but more importantly I have much more empathy for my ex. The bad thing about this relationship is, the more imtimate I get with my current girlfriend, the more I realize I'm still in love with my ex...

    I want to write a letter to her completing the Elephant text but I need your help. The gist of it is telling her that I was in a dark place and didn't show my best self to her but that I've accepted the break-up. (Do I want to mention about the Instagram story in a light-hearted way?). I also want to include that I'm in a relationship now and thanks to her I am a better boyfriend.

    Thanks again for everything... I've read most, if not all EBP content and they've all help me learn and grow.

  • Tami

    I was LD dating a man for half an year. We have met once, and he said he wants to be my boyfriend but we reached the agreement to define the relationship when we meet in person. We havne't been there because things have changed and we just stopped 2 weeks ago.

    To keep it short, I randomly discovered his ex-wife's FB, posting past wedding photos and still with the profile picture of them up. But he denied he's got married before but only engaged. Then he broke up with me-a non breakup breakup actually. Few days later, I found his ex has blocked my faebook, but I know she hasn't taken down the profile picture. Obviously they're still in contact.

    I'm sure he was much serious about me to building a long-term relationship with me, but I'm very confused why he lied about his past marriage. There must be a reason behind, and I hope it's not because he is a romance liar. The puzzle is lingering in my head that I can hardly move on.

    Been in no contact since he wished me the best. Am struggled now because there're some reasons I do want to get him back, yet his lies has keeping me from contacting him again.
    I think I will text him first after no contact period end, mainly to find out the confusing truth.
    But asking him directly could highly shut him down again.

    What's your thought on this? Thank you!

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, it could either be that he didn't feel comfortable telling you since you guys had only met once, or that you're right and he is a romance liar. Either way, if there's an ex-wife involved in the situation and is still in contact with him, it might be a better idea to continue with NC before deciding anything. If he's going to shut down again at the fact that you ask him about his past, you should walk away from this since it's going to be hard to trust him and confidence that what he says is the truth (especially in a LDR)

  • Shawn. I

    My ex and I broke up 3 months ago and for 3 months I begged and pleaded her to get back with me. We broke up because I didn’t trust her when I should have and she broke up with me because she thought I didn’t trust her. She now says she just doesn’t want a relationship right now and I’m pretty sure she rebounded already but now seems to have gotten closer with a new different guy. We were best friends for 2 years and dated and were in love with eachother for 1.5 years. Last time I talked to her I told her how much I loved her but that our friendship was more important than a relationship. I’m now on day 16 of no contact and she hasn’t contacted me and seems to be hanging out more with the new guy but I don’t know for sure. Where do I go from here? How do I get her back into my life.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Complete the NC first and make your plans again from there. If you guys were best friends for 2 years and had a meaningful relationship, it wouldn't be possible for her to move on that quickly and completely disregard you unless she never felt the same way.

  • ronin

    Hello Kevin!
    I'm 33, live in Eastern Europe, I'm a physicist by profession and I had a 5.5-year long relationship with a girl until six weeks ago...
    Although she's only a year younger than me she had only one prior relationship with a 57 year old man when she was about 25. Her father was abusive with her brother, sister and mother and I know she developed a "father issue"..
    Anyway, during our time together, I was never needy nor possessive; it was a farcry from her upbringing. As a personality trait, she was always jealous of the attention I receive from women even in ordinary nonsexual contexts.
    Now the bad part.

    In my country it's very difficult to find a well paid job as a Research Scientist so even if I'm quite confident as a man when it comes to women I've always felt quite lowly about myself when it came to my professional life as I've always did awkward jobs and never the research I wanted. Her, on the other hand, is a succesful cardiologist. This lead to my mistakes...my professional unhappiness turned me into a selfish person who neglected her on many occasions, made very little effort in showing my feelings for her and generally took on less and less responsibilities with her during the years.

    Last winter I got my PhD and two months ago I finally got the research job I wanted. This completely changed my behavior for the better but it was too late. Even if she was happy for me she said she reached the breaking point some time ago...she's been unhappy for a very long time and used this time to gather her courage to finally tell me she wants out of this relationship and wants to stay alone.
    She called me one evening to go to a restaurant with her where she ended our relationship. She accused me of not loving her, not taking on any responsibilities with her, not making any promises to her about marriage and moving together; beeing self-centered and never thinking about her needs. 

    I assumed all responsibility for my mistakes and during the following month I tried to warm her heart by writing a long apologising letter to which she responded that all the compromises in this relationship were made by her which in turn made her unhappy.

    I sent some flowers to her workplace to which she replied by saying she didn't break up with me to teach me a lesson but instead because she doesn't feel the same about me.
    I followed her two times to meet in person (with flowers); she was somewhat pleasantly surprised to see me each time and things got very emotional, we were both crying; I tried my best to tell her how sorry I am for all the hurt I've caused her, that things will be better now that I have a job and I'm a different person now.

    Bit by bit she started to acknowledge the fact that I truly love her, care about her and really want to make commitments with her but it's to late now and she firmly believes that I haven't really changed and will be the old self in less than a month.

    All this took a great toll on my health and combined with an urinal infection I developed working in humid conditions I lost 11 kg. Things got worse when I ended in an anaphylactic shock due to an alergy to a certain drug prescribed for my condition. She found out from a doctor friend and stayed the whole night with me until I was back on my feet again.

    I met her again the next day during my medical check-up, and between the lines told her that I believe in us and our future together.
    She told me that she's seeing someone for about a month, immediately after our break-up and will go with him on a 4-day trip which she eventually did. It all fell into place then...
    This man was giving her the courage and comfort to end our relationship a few weeks prior to our breakup when she started to act somewhat cold to me.
    I ended all contact at that point and I'm now at day 9 of no contact.

    I want to tell you that I don't regret running after her during the last month for 2 reasons:

    1. I love her with all my heart and know that I didn't treat her right. Even my male friends accused me of beeing selfish with her.
    2. I didn't know about the other guy. Even if I felt infuriated in my mind that she chose to withhold this from me for over a month eventhough it's clear now she knew him before the breakup, if she would have told me then at that day at the restaurant I would have never pursued her and little by little changed her perspective about me. She now truly believes I love her although she's not convinced I've changed or can change and chose to stick with the other guy.

    P.S. On day 7 of no contact she called me but I didn't answer. Please advise!

    • ronin

      I read the 5-step plan but I'm at a loss as to what to do exactly after NC. I've already sent her a long apologizing letter so I'm not sure about sending her the "elephant in the room" letter. As to texting her to gradually build up attraction I'm not sure how to proceed since we rarely texted but instead we used to call each other all the time during our time together.
      Any help from anyone will be greatly appreciated.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In that case, perhaps you could drop a call one day down the road if you feel things have settled down, and casually ask about a random topic that has relevance to her. For example, ask her the name of the restaurant you guys went before, or perhaps a recommendation for a present for your mom, etc. Work your way from random and casual topics and eventually maybe ask her out for a coffee.

    • ronin

      Thank you Ryan for your kind attitude. I've realised today that I'm deluding myself. In 5 years with someone you get to know them quite a bit and I can tell you that nothing I can/will do will matter for her not now, not in a month nor in a year...she's very stubborn, she's forced on herself the notion that she'll never give us another chance and there's nothing I can do about it. She's a stranger to me, last time we saw before no contact she laughed when we talked as is we were mere acquaintances, avoided any atempts of mine to talk about us, etc...she's completely detached...

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you genuinely feel this way, it would be a better idea to walk away from this. Focus on recovery and generally improve yourself as a person. It's not entirely true that nothing you do will matter to her, but just that at this point she won't show it to you, but sometimes it's better to walk away than to remain caught up for an indefinite period without the option of moving on.

    • ronin

      It's because of the other guy...I don't know what he promised or said to her. I know I hurt her deeply with my selfishness during the years and she wants to move on now. I don't know if I genuinely feel what I said earlier but at the moment I know I have to assume the worst than can happen, hit the bottom of the chasm in order to heal and climb back up...I don't have the luxury to think otherwise. She always loved, put me first, made all the compromises. I lost all the power, confidence and attraction I had in the relationship, although I know she's still sexually attracted to me. In your honest, professional opinion, no bullshit or marketing aside,do you really think her perceptions can again change in time to the better if I do the right things? You have to understand that now I assume the worst and try to live with it in order to heal...

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Acceptance is always a good thing. It allows you to focus on recovery instead of being in denial. I'm not trying to give you false hope or anything but rather, that you never know what may change. People eventually let go of past negative emotions, but just a matter of how long it may take. That shouldn't be your focus though (whether she forgives you), but as you say to aim to deal with it and move on. Whatever happens after, happens.

  • Webster

    I am writing this with a heavy heart filled with regret over the past and anxiety for the future, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of six years and her daughter I considered my own in 2015 almost immediately when I took on a job offer somewhere else, it has almost been three years since I cheated, emotionally abusive, said the most horrific things to her like “she was a negative person in my life, the reason I never found peace, blamed her when things went wrong when I was with her, said she was bringing me down, told her my friends only saw me when we were fighting and other things like how she hold grudges and never lets go of the past, I basically painted her out as the witch, told her the break up was bound to happen”, I did the most discussing, regrettable and unacceptable things to her that even after so long still remembers every inch of a word, I failed to protect her when my family wrongfully accused her of things she didn’t say, she has given me ample opportunities before to communicate and make amend after the hard break, but I continued being mean, ignored each and every attempt she made, I messed up a lot when we were in a relationship, but she kept on forgiving me over and over, we went through thick and thin together, but when things changed for the better for me, I changed and left them for what I thought was the greener pasture, all because I felt a little abandoned when I was away.

    I was filled with so much pride that I had no room for humility, within the three years apart I thought I had moved on and been in and out of failed affairs. I have learned, and since the beginning of the year 2017 I remained single because I wanted to find and fix myself, and be certain of what I needed out of life. During the distant and the process of self-intervention/discovery I completely cut out the little contact I managed to get with them in January, after months of silence and ignorance finding out she has moved on and doing quite well for herself, I desperately want them back and feel she is the one for me, and I have a family in them, I have done all the above mentioned deadly mistakes; “CALLING AND TEXTING HER ALL THE TIME, SHOWERING HER WITH AFFECTION, FREAKING OUT WHEN DATING OR GOING OUT” to get them back and even went to her home unannounced to speak to her and try to amend things, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get them back, after going there she told me she tried to make things work and still cared about me before but eventually felt like I couldn't see how she felt, I was dumb-blinded before, I made forceful attempt to talk to her and she told me that “she has forgiven me but doesn’t want any relation with me, I should stop pestering, or trying to convince her otherwise, my chances with her are done, and if I want to restore the peace that is left in her for me, I will leave her alone and never come to her place again, me and her are done, I cannot force myself in her life and cannot force her into something she doesn’t want “We done”.

    I am obsessed with her and cannot stop thinking about her or texting her daily, I am even failing managing to eat the way I want them back, I have learned from my previous mistakes, suffered damages, I feel broken beyond repair, but became a better person from it all because of the struggles I have been through, I am ashamed of what I have done and has accepted what I caused, but I am a new version of me and want a new start and to spend my life with them, I love and I miss them very much, and would do anything to get her back

    Please help me, what can or should I do to win her love back?

    • Kevin

      Hey Webster,

      I am sorry that you are going through this pain. The first thing you need to do is back off for a while. If she is dating someone else, you need to respect her new relationship and don't do anything that threatens it.

      I think your best bet is to do no contact again for a month and send her an elephant in the room text. Apologize for the way you acted (by showing up at her house), thank her for forgiving you for the past and tell her that you will love to have her in your life, even if it is as a friend because she means a lot to you. After that, don't contact her for another couple of weeks. Text her again and slowly take it from there.

    • Brent

      It has been almost 2 years and she seems farther away and ever. I have a hard time following the rules I did the 30 day no contact and all I got was I love you and I Miss you but you need 2 understand that I am trying to protect you. Having a hard time letting go of someone I love very much and thought that we could be together forever. Understand I'm not blaming her. Just a dumb guy didn't realize what he had and pushed her away my heart is still for that. Pretty sure I have lost all chances or her return

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In that sense, for whatever reasons it would seem like she does not want to get back together with you for fear of hurting you. Your chances are never 0 but it would be wiser in this situation to start moving on since it has been 2 years. We all make mistakes in life and it's better to focus on picking yourself up rather than spend the time in guilt and regret.


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