Unlike video games, you don’t get unlimited chances to win her back. You only get a handful of chances. And if you are not prepared, you will screw it up.

So how do you NOT SCREW UP this time?

If you want to get your ex girlfriend back, you need to take this as a mission. Almost like a video game. You achieve one goal at a time and move forward slowly. I’ll explain how to do that in a moment. But first, let me introduce myself and tell you a bit about why I am writing this.

My name is Kevin, and I’ve been helping people with breakups for almost 7 years now. I’ve helped thousands of guys just like you get their ex girlfriends back.

This article is everything I wish I had access to when I had my first breakup and wanted to get my ex girlfriend back.

When she broke my heart, left it in pieces and all I could think was how to win her back.

When I couldn’t eat or sleep for days.

When I woke up in the middle of the night crying and feeling lonely, with no one around me to give me good advise.

If only I knew back then what I know now. I hope no other guy feels so hopeless and helpless when they are going through a bad breakup. This is why I’ve made this article FREE for everyone to peruse.

But before you read forward, I want you to know that this guide is focused on winning her back and KEEPING HER in a healthy, long lasting relationship.

A relationship that both of you can enjoy in, thrive in and grow in together as lovers; for a very longtime.

This guide is not a trick or a bandage solution for your broken relationship. It’s not designed to get your ex girlfriend back immediately. It’s designed to get her back permanently.

What is this Article?

This article is your ultimate guide on how to win your ex girlfriend back. I’ve designed this article in stages. Just like in a video game.

Why?

If you and the girl you love just broke up, you are probably going through a lot of pain, heartache, grief, obsessiveness and confusion.

In fact, if you are reading this article, there’s a good chance you are very confused and don’t know where to go from here. About what to do and what not to do.

This guide is designed to take the confusion out of the equation. Think of it as a manual, a walkthrough, a game plan or a strategy guide for the current mission in this game called your love life.

Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Mission: Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back and Keep Her Permanently

This guide will tell you exactly what to do from here on forward to get your ex girlfriend back as soon as possible.

What’s the catch?

Like I said before, you only get a handful of chances at this. So if you are not careful, you might screw this up. Moreover, following this guide is NOT EASY. Above all, it will need 3 things from you.

  1. Patience
  2. Determination
  3. Honesty or Vulnerability (With Yourself, Your ex and me if we ever communicate)

Like I said before, it’s not going to be easy. But if your ex girlfriend is worth it, I am sure you won’t care how much patience, determination or honesty it takes to get her back.

(Note: You may want to bookmark this article as it’s quite long and you will need it constantly as you move forward in this mission)

Who this guide is for?

This guide is for you if you want your ex girlfriend back, your ex wife back or your ex fiancé back. This guide is for you if you are a teenager in high school, you in your 20s, 30s, 40s or even 50s.

This guide is for you if your ex girlfriend dumped you. And it’s for you if you broke up with your ex girlfriend and still want her back.

This guide is NOT for you if you are looking for tricks or manipulation to get her back.

How does this guide work?

This guide is divided in stages. Just like a video game.

Each stage will have objectives for you to accomplish. Some of these objectives will be optional. The optional objectives are not important to win her back permanently, but they definitely help in the process and they will increase your chances significantly.

In addition, there will be actionable tips, objectives, or steps in the articles. Consider this as mini objectives that you can take action on. These actionable objectives are very practical and easy to understand, as opposed to the other things involving dating, relationships and breakups.

You will also find common pitfalls in each section of the article. These are common mistakes that most people make during each stage of getting back together with their ex girlfriend.

In some places, I’ll link to other articles on this website which will provide more information on a particular topic. These additional articles serve as supplement articles to this detailed guide. But they are in no way a replacement for this. So, you should read this guide in it’s entirety before moving on to any of these supplement articles.

Stage 1: The Valley of Grief aka Don’t Push Her Away

Stage 1 - Valley Of Grief

Objectives:

  1. Stop Panicking and Pushing Her Away
  2. Take Action to Regain Composure
    • a) Start No Contact
    • b) Grieve
  3. Accept The Breakup (Optional Until End Of Stage 2)
  4. Heal By Spending Time With Loved Ones (Optional)

When you lose the girl you love, you are bound to panic. You activate the fight or flight response in your brain. And when your brain is panicking, it doesn’t think logically.

Instead, it relies on your instincts. It goes into overdrive trying to make sense of it all and in a state of panic, it makes you do things that ultimately pushes your ex girlfriend away.

1. Stop Panicking And Pushing Your Ex Girlfriend Away

The goal of this stage is to get yourself to stop panicking and pushing your ex away. To do that, you must

  1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now
  2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now

Breakup grief is a bitch. That’s the best way I can put this. Once you lose your ex girlfriend, someone you loved dearly, you are likely to go through the five stages of grief.

The stages namely.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

The stages of grief are pretty self explanatory so I’ll not go into details about them. But when you are trying to win her back for good, you need to watch out for the first three stages of grief.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • And Bargaining

As we will see in the next section, these three stages of grief are likely to make you do things that will push your ex away and make her think that breaking up with you was the best decision she ever made.

2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

To make this easier for you to remember, here is a list of mistakes that pushes your ex away when you are in this stage.

Mistake 1: Begging and Trying to Use Pity

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I can’t live without her. I still love her and will always love her. I can’t be happy without her. Surely, this should be a good enough reason for her to take me back.”

I am not sure if it’s the media, the movies or the damn TV shows. But guys get the idea that if they can show their ex GF how helpless they are without her, she will come back.

They try to beg and plead to get her back. In some cases, guys go to extreme lengths to show their ex how miserable they are without her.

begging your ex gf

The truth is though, no girl is attracted to a weak guy. If you act like you are miserable without her, she will just get less and less attracted to you until she decides to cut you off from her life.

Mistake 2: Calling and Texting Her All the time

Grief Stage: Denial

Example:

“If I just keep in touch with her, everything will go back to normal. If I don’t let her forget me, she will realize how much she loves me and wants to be with me. I just need to stay in touch with her.”

This one is obvious. The more you text or call your ex, the less attractive you will look to her. Even if you act all casual when you text her, you will still come off as needy as your ex will see right through it.

Texting her again and again is a sign of neediness and desperation and no girl is attracted to a needy guy.

texting ex girlfriend expectations vs reality

Notice how texting and calling her all the time are coming out of neediness and desperation instead of a genuine desire to speak to her and enjoy a conversation with her.

Mistake 3: Telling Her How Much You Love Her and You Will Do Everything for Her

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I’ll do anything to get her back. I’ll marry her tomorrow if I must. I will agree to whatever she wants from me and do anything to make her happy.”

Now that she has broken up with you, she doesn’t care how much you love her and what you are willing to do for her.

(Note: It may have worked before the breakup in some cases. But it’s not quite the same after the breakup)

If you tell her how much you love her now, it’s just going to make you look needy and desperate to win her back. It’s going to turn her off and make her respect you less.

The same goes for when you tell her you will do anything to get her back. More commonly known as becoming a doormat.

You can’t just let her walk all over you just because you want her back. Even if you manage to convince her to come back this way, she will leave again soon because she will not have any respect for you.

The reason this doesn’t work is because you are doing all these things out of desperation to get her back. Not because you love her, but because you are afraid to lose her to some other guy. Because you are afraid to be alone.

She doesn’t want you do things for her out of fear. Not unless she is extremely manipulative. In which case, you should still not do it because you will be even more miserable when you are back together.

Mistake 4: Freaking Out About Her Rebound

Grief Stage: Anger, Denial, Bargaining

Example:

“How can she do this to me? She told me she loved me just a couple of weeks ago and now she is sleeping around with someone else. I am going to give her a call and tell her exactly what I think about this and what @$$#@ she and her new boyfriend is.”

Or

“She is making a huge mistake with that guy. Her new boyfriend is not the right person for her. I am. I need to speak to her immediately and convince her to leave the other guy for me. If I don’t, it may be too late.”

In a lot of cases, your ex may start dating immediately after a breakup. In some cases, she might start dating after a week or a month.

But in almost all the cases, her new relationship will be a rebound. And it will end. That’s what happens with majority of rebound relationships. Read more about the nature of rebound relationships here and how to get her back when she has a boyfriend here.

Mistake 5: Degrading Her and Calling Your Ex-Girlfriend Names

Grief Stage: Anger

Example:

“I can’t believe you did this to me. I should have known you were a gold digger.”

Or

“How can you do this to me after all I’ve done for you. Man, you really don’t deserve me. I hope you spend the rest of your life being as miserable as I know you are inside.”

I think it’s pretty obvious why doing something like this will push her further away. No one wants to be with a guy who is abusive.

degrading your ex girlfriend

So, if you ever have the urge to say anything mean to your ex girlfriend, do yourself a favor and STOP.

What if I have already made these mistakes?

These mistakes are very common. As I mentioned earlier, these mistakes are a direct result of you going through grief and acting on your instincts.

So, if you’ve made them, don’t beat yourself over it. This only means you are human.

And since these mistakes are only human, it’s pretty easy to get your ex to forgive you for them as described in Stage 3 of this article.

Actionable Steps to Take (Moderately Important)

  • Change the name of your ex girlfriend to “Don’t Push Her Away” on your phone so you don’t forget about these mistakes in the future.

2. Take Action to stop panicking and get yourself together

Now that we have learned what mistakes to avoid in this stage, it’s time to learn what you can do in this stage to stop panicking, regain your composure, and stop doing things that push your ex further away.

a) Start No Contact

In my experience, the easiest way to avoid making any of the above mistakes and heal from the breakup is to start no contact.

What is no contact?

No contact is a simple rule to not contact your ex at all for a certain number of days. You want to remove your ex from your life and from your mind. This means

  • No Texting
  • No Calling
  • No bumping into her at her favorite coffee shop
  • No keeping tabs on her through her friends
  • Staying away from her social media profiles

I know it may seem a little extreme to suddenly cut all contact from your ex, but it’s very important and a very effective way to achieve the objective of this stage. Here’s how it will affect you and your ex.

How No Contact Affects You?

When you cut your ex girlfriend out of your life, you will start seeing things clearly and feel better about yourself. You will realize that you can live without your ex and life is not so bad after all.

In most cases, you are so addicted to having your ex girlfriend in your life, you can’t imagine a life without her. When you stop contacting her, you will go cold turkey on this addiction.

Just like any other addiction, you will slowly recover from it and start seeing things clearly.

It’s very important that you get over the addiction of your ex girlfriend before you reach the third stage of this guide.

You need to get rid of this addiction before you can approach her and get her back. As long as you are addicted to her, you will be needy and desperate. And if you are needy or desperate, you will never be able to approach her from a position of strength.

Even if you try to fake it, she will smell your neediness from a mile away. She was close to you and she knows a lot about you. You won’t be able to fake it for long.

How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend?

If you’ve made any of the mistakes that push her away, then no contact is the perfect way to reset everything before you start rebuilding attraction with her.

Even if you have not made any of the mistakes above, no contact is still very important because you want to give your ex some time to process the breakup and miss you.

When you stop contacting your ex, you will instantly become less needy and desperate in her eyes.

Later, you are going to turn that doubt into a fact by showing her how you’ve changed, and how things will be different when you get her back.

Should I tell her that I am doing no contact?

If you and your ex are on talking terms right now, you can tell her that you need some space and time and you don’t want her to contact you.

Hopefully, she will understand (and will be impressed and confused) and leave you alone. If she doesn’t respect your wishes, then you will just have to ignore her calls and texts.

Wouldn’t this make her want to move on?

Maybe. But just because she wants to move on doesn’t mean she will. In fact, in most cases, this will make her want you more.

Remember how you were pushing her away when you kept contacting her and telling her how you love her and will give the world to be with her?

Well, by doing no contact you are pulling back and it’s going to make her want to push. In other words, it’s going to make her miss you and want you in your life. This is what I call the push pull dynamics of a breakup.

Besides, you are not doing this forever, you will only do this for a short while as we will discuss in just a moment.

What if she finds another boyfriend during no contact?

Even if she dates someone else during no contact, it will probably be a rebound and you can still win her back. (Read about rebounds and winning her back from a rebound.)

How Long Should You Do No Contact For?

Ideally, you should do no contact until you have finished stage 1 and stage 2 of this mission to get your ex girlfriend back permanently.

That means you should do no contact at least until you have stopped panicking, regained your composure and figured out how to defeat the little devils (Stage 2). It can take from two weeks to three months. Read this article on no contact rule to figure out how much no contact is ideal for you.

If you are confused, I recommend you set a time limit of at least 30 days.

Actionable Steps to Take (Important)

  • Decide how long you need to do no contact
  • Mark your calendar that many days from now with the text “I can contact my ex girlfriend now”.
  • If you and your ex are speaking to each other regularly. Text her the following or something similar. “Hey, I don’t want to come off as rude or anything, but I need some time and space to heal from the breakup and focus on myself. This is why I think I think we both shouldn’t speak to each other for a while. I hope you understand.”

B) Grieve During No Contact

You lost someone you truly love and wanted to be with. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.

When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.

Breakup Grief is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you will feel like crap and sometimes you will feel much better about yourself.

The key is to let yourself feel the emotions and still keep working on yourself. If you feel like crying, let it out. If you feel anger, shout out loud.

But remember to always balance it out and always keep in mind that you need to become a better version of yourself if you want her back.

Occasionally, you must pick yourself up and realize that there is much more to life than relationships and breakup.

You must remind yourself that life will keep throwing challenges at you. You must learn to pick yourself up and get back in the game.

You need to keep moving forward. Here’s a video I recommend you watch when you are feeling down.

4. Accept the Breakup (optional until Stage 3)

Ultimately, you need to reach “The Acceptance” stage of the breakup. That means you need to accept that your ex girlfriend broke up with you and your past relationship is over.

You can start a new relationship with her and that relationship may be an amazing one. But the past relationship is over, and there is nothing you can do about it.

For a lot of guys reading this, the idea of accepting the breakup will be a tough one. You may even trick yourself into thinking that you have accepted the breakup when you are secretly still hoping that things will go back to the way they were.

So, consider this as an optional objective for now. That means, you can move on to Stage 2 without completing this objective. But you need to finish this objective before you move on to Stage 3.

5. Spend Time with Your Loved Ones (optional)

One of the reasons our minds panic so hard after a breakup is because of our deep rooted fear of being alone. Of being left out in the world. Of never being loved.

But chances are, you have a lot of people in your life that love you, care about you, and want you to be happy.

Your friends and family can be a very effective healing tool. When you spend time with them and notice how they care about you and love you, your sub-conscious mind will calm down realizing that you are not alone in this world. That you are loved, and you will survive even if you have lost your ex.

This part is optional because a lot of guys don’t have loving families. Some guys don’t even have very close friends. If that’s the case with you, fret not. You can still get your ex girlfriend back.

But you must make a note in your mind to make new friends, good friends you can trust, when you are ready in the future.

Common Pitfalls: Taking Too Long To Implement No Contact

A lot of guys feel that they can convince their ex girlfriend to come back and they don’t need to do no contact. If you think like that, you must understand that even though there’s a slight chance you will be successful in getting her back, you will most likely fail in keeping her.

Unless you follow Stage 2 of this guide, there’s a very good chance you and your ex will breakup again after getting back together. I have seen this happen to my readers and clients over and over again. And I would hate to see it happen to you.

Stage 2: The Inner Demons aka focus on yourself

Stage 2 - Inner Demons

Objectives:

  1. Figure Out What Caused the Breakup
    • a)Figure Out a Solution to What Caused the Breakup
  2. Figure out if she is worth getting back.
  3. Become a Better Version of Yourself
    • a) Become More Confident
    • b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
    • c) Become more Physically Attractive (optional)
    • d) Become more Socially Attractive (optional)
    • e) Become More Mindful or Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)
  4. Bonus: Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Miss You During No Contact(optional)

As you can see from the objectives above, this stage of getting your ex girlfriend back is all about you.

In my opinion, this is the most important stage of this mission. It’s not one of those stages where you can just enter a tunnel in the beginning and can skip it right to the next stage (I am looking at you Mario).

If you fail at this stage, you will most likely fail at getting your ex girlfriend back permanently. Even if you somehow manage to get her back for the time being, I am quite positive you will break up again in the future.

Yes, that’s how important this stage is.

We are going to go through each of the objectives of this stage and then we are going to list out some of the common pitfalls that most guys face during this stage.

1) Figure out what caused the breakup

The first thing after you have calmed down in Stage 1 is to try to figure out what caused the breakup.

I don’t want you to think about what your ex girlfriend told you at the time of breaking up with you. She might have used one of those bogus generic lines like

“It’s not you, it’s me”.

“I am just not in love with you anymore.”

“I think of us as more like friends”

“I just don’t see a future with you.”

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might not be aware of what caused the breakup.

I am going to try to list out some of the most common reasons here that you may be able to relate to.

She Does Not Feel Attracted to You Anymore

This will be the case for most of the guys reading this article. Here are a few examples of when a girl loses attraction for you.

  1. You always showered her with affection.
  2. You gave her whatever she wanted.
  3. You were needy, insecure, controlling, jealous or manipulative

In most cases, if your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you towards the end of your relationship, it was because you were needy, insecure and were not confident.

If you feel she broke up with you out of nowhere, then there is a good chance it’s because of this reason.

In fact, all the three reasons mentioned above are a direct result of insecurity.

Showing too Much Affection

In most cases, when you show your girlfriend too much affection, it’s not coming out of the love you have for her. It’s coming out of your fear of losing her and being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, you should show affection to your girlfriend. If you love her, you should show her. For me, there is nothing more joyful than making my girlfriend happy and laugh with joy.

But most guys (who end up being dumped) are not genuine in showing affection. If you are showing affection just because you want something in return (sex, appreciation, acceptance, end an argument without resolving it), it’s going to come off as insincere.

And slowly, she is going to realize that you are not doing it because you mean it. But because you sub consciously want something in return. And if she starts feeling like that, every time you show her affection, it’s going to make her a little bit less attracted towards you. Every time you say something sweet to her, it’s going to make her feel you want something in return.

A lot of times, your girlfriend won’t even realize this is happening. She will slowly feel like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and breakup with you.

You Gave her Whatever She Wanted

Again, giving your ex-girlfriend what she wants is not really a deal breaker. It’s your intention behind giving her what she wants that matters.

For example, suppose you are having an argument about you always trying to control her. And instead of trying to understand her, you go out and buy her a necklace that she wanted for a while.

She is excited and forgets about the argument.

Win win, right?

Wrong. You avoided a serious issue in the relationship. You avoided a serious issue in yourself. And that festered inside her.

If you want to give something your ex-girlfriend, do it out of your heart and do it because you want to do it without getting anything in return.

Guys who are insecure, controlling and secretly manipulative are always trying to control the situation by giving their girlfriend something and hoping to get something in return. This creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship and their girlfriends end up losing attraction for them.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Control and Manipulation

Like I said in the above two scenarios. Insecurity, jealousy, control and manipulation are present in almost every unhealthy relationship. If your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you by the end of your relationship, there’s a good chance you exhibited these traits in the relationship.

As you are going through this stage, I want you to think back and figure out when you did something for your ex girlfriend that had an ulterior motive behind it.

  • Did you buy her gifts because you were afraid she was going to leave you?
  • Did you avoid a serious issue by showering her with affection?
  • Did you act controlling because you were afraid she will fall for some other guy?
  • Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?

If you are just reading this article a few days after your breakup, it might be a bit too much for you to think all this through right now. So, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it at a later stage when you have calmed down and can think rationally.

How to Fix Loss of Attraction and Get Her Back?

You can make your ex girlfriend attracted to you again easily once you learn how to fix the deep rooted insecurity that pushed her away.

The thing is, it’s not very easy to fix this deep rooted insecurity that most guys have.

We will talk about this in the next section when we talk about becoming more confident.

She Does not See a Future with You (and She Lost Connection)

A lot of times, your ex-girlfriend may have broken up with you because she does not feel a connection with you anymore. This is usually the case when you were together for a very long time (more than a year).

If she does not feel a connection with you, she will leave you because she does not see a future with you.

She might still be attracted to you. She might still feel that you are a confident attractive guy. But she does NOT SEE HERSELF BEING WITH YOU IN THE LONG TERM. She just thinks that you are both not compatible.

An emotional connection can be lost for the following reasons.

  1. You and your ex-girlfriend lost the spark. You neglected her for too long and took her for granted.
  2. You had too much fights and disagreements. You didn’t know how to communicate effectively and understand each other.
  3. Your life goals do not align with each other.

All the above reasons are self-explanatory, so I am not going to go in detail.

How to Get Her Back If Your Ex Girlfriend Lost Connection?

If you fall in this category, there’s a good chance your first instinct will be to tell her that you will do things differently this time. For example,

  • If you neglected her, you will want to tell her that you will spend more time with her if she gives you another chance.
  • If you and her both wanted different things in life, you will want to tell her that you will compromise and give her whatever she wanted (marriage, kids etc.)

However, telling her that things will change WILL NOT WORK.

The fact is, your ex girlfriend does not feel a connection with you anymore. And if she does not feel a connection with you, then it will not matter to her what you are willing to do for her.

Before you can show her how things have changed, you first need to rebuild attraction and connection with her. We will get into that in stage 4 of this article.

You Cheated Or Hurt Your Ex Girlfriend

Some guys reading this page might have done something that hurt their ex girlfriend terribly. These may include

  • You cheated on her
  • You were abusive to her (verbally or physically)
  • You betrayed her trust in some way (monetary or emotional cheating)

How to get her back if you cheated on her, or did something to hurt her?

The key to winning your ex-girlfriend back in this situation is to show her a ray of hope before anything else.

And the best way to show her a ray of hope is to accept where you screwed up, figure out why you did it and work on understanding yourself.

The fact is, if you hurt her once, there’s a good chance you will hurt her again. And if you don’t trust yourself enough to not hurt her again, then she wouldn’t either.

So, work on understanding yourself and learn to trust yourself. Getting therapy or joining a support group (sex addicts, alcohol anonymous, anger management etc.) is a great way to do that.

This will show her you are serious about change and it will give her a ray of hope that things may be different in the future. (Read: Get your ex back after you cheated.)

Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationships are a tough one. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up because of long distance, then you are in for an uphill battle.

Long Distance often causes a couple to lose attraction, lose connection or betray of trust. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up due to long distance, it’s probably because one of the above reasons happened. If that’s the case, you will have to apply the tactics mentioned above for each case.

2. Figure Out If She Is Worth Getting Back

If you are reading this article immediately after a breakup, your response might be,

“Of course, she is worth getting back. I love her, and she is one in a million.”

But you are seeing her through the rose colored lenses of post breakup denial. This is why I have included this task in stage 2 of this mission.

Once you have accepted the breakup and have gone through grief after a breakup, you will need to figure out whether she is worth it. Here is one article that will help you do that. And read below for some actionable tips about this.

Actionable Tips (Very Important)

  • Write down 5 things about your ex that you don’t like.
  • Write down 3 things about your ex that need to change for you to have a healthy and happy relationship with her. (For example, She needs to be better at communicating or She needs to stop flirting with other guys)

Note: If you can’t think of any of these things, you need to finish Stage 1 of this article and come back here after about 2 weeks.

3. Become A Better Version of Yourself

What happened in your past relationship with your ex-girlfriend is past. When you get back together, it’s going to be a better relationship. Because YOU are going to be a better version of yourself.

a) Become More Confident

Being confident is the number one quality that will attract your ex girlfriend , ex wife or ex fiancé back. However, confidence isn’t something that can be built in a day.

In fact, the insecurity that pushed your ex away and caused her to break up with you is the result of years of negative feedback you received from the world and yourself.

You can’t just undo all that in a day. And if you fake it, your ex girlfriend will eventually see through it and start thinking of you as manipulative.

Thankfully, you have enough time to work on your confidence during the no contact period.

Soon, I’ll release a course on rebuilding your confidence to get your ex girlfriend back. So check back on this space later to figure out how to rebuild confidence during no contact.

b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

This is very important if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you due to loss of connection. Or if you both argued constantly and could never come to a reasonable conclusion.

One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is proper communication. If you can be a pro at handling conflict with your girlfriend, each fight you have will bring you closer together.

If you learn to empathize and understand her on a deep level, the connection she will feel with you will be unparalleled.

So, work on these two skills as they are very important in not only getting her back, but keeping her forever.

c) Become More Attractive Physically (Optional)

This objective is optional for one very simple reason. Your ex girlfriend was physically attractive to you at one point of time. So, she will be attracted to you again.

Working on your physical appearance does have a few advantages though.

  • You will feel more confident.
  • Getting a fresh look will give the impression that you are a new person.
  • Working out will release endorphins that will make you feel happier.

Actionable Steps To Take (Mildly Important)

  • Go to the gym at least 20 days during the no contact period
  • Increase the maximum weight you can squat with by 15 kg
  • Get a new haircut
  • Get Your teeth cleaned
  • Get new clothes

d) Become More Socially Attractive (optional)

This is again an optional objective because it’s not necessary to win your ex-girlfriend back permanently. But it sure helps.

Being socially active helps you regain your confidence and realize that your ex isn’t the only person in the world for you. If you spend time with your friends and other girls, you will feel better about yourself and realize other girls are interested in you as well.

Actionable Steps to Become More Socially Attractive (Mildly Important)

  • Approach 5 girls that you are attracted to. Speak to them and let them know that you find them attractive with confidence.
  • Go out with your friends at least on two weekends.
  • Go out for a road trip or a vacation with your friends.

e) Become More Mindful and Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)

Your awareness level is the most underrated skill. Most people don’t spend any time working on it and developing it (video game lingo: spend XP points on it). But it can have a huge effect on your happiness, your confidence, your well-being and your relationships.

Needless to say, it helps you become a better version of yourself and will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back.

Actionable Tips (Important)

  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes for 21 days continuously.

f) Work on Your Life Goals or a Passion (optional)

Having life goals and a passion is not only attractive to girls, it’s also a huge confidence booster and therapeutic. If you are working on something you care about, your mind will focus on only that and you will forget about everything else.

Moreover, working on things that you care about will give you something to speak with your ex when you end no contact.

Guys who are passionate about things other than their girlfriends are instantly seen as more confident and less insecure.

Actionable Tips (Important)

  1. Figure out one hobby, career goal or life goal that you are interested in or passionate about. It should be something that you can get better at and eventually become an expert at. Something that you can become the best in your town at if you work hard enough or long enough.
  2. Spend at least 10 hours a week working on it.

 

Bonus: Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Miss You During No Contact (Optional)

This objective is again optional. The reason is simple, the no contact period is more about you and less about your ex girlfriend. Getting her to miss you will help you in the short term but is not very effective over the long term.

If you want to get her back permanently, it’s important that the above objective are your priorities. If you sacrifice your priorities because you are trying to get her to miss you, you will suffer in the long run.

Getting her to miss you is a nice side effect you can achieve by putting in a little more effort. (Recommended Reading: How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Miss You Without Looking Like a Fool)

Actionable Tips To Get Her To Miss You (Not Important)

  1. Post a maximum of 5 Socially Active posts on Facebook, WhatsApp status, snapchat, or twitter during no contact period. More than that will make her think that you are just doing it to manipulate her.
  2. Post a maximum of 5 positive thinking and self-improvement posts on social media.
  3. Add 7 new girls as your friend on Facebook.

Common Pitfall: Obsessing over her in an effort to get your ex girlfriend to miss you

A lot of times, guys start obsessing over whether or not their ex girlfriend misses them.

  • Does she miss me?
  • She posted a snapchat story about a toy that I gave her, is she thinking about me?
  • Does she still love me?
  • I posted a status and she liked it, does it mean she is over me?

If that’s you, you need to understand that your priority during no contact is to heal and become a better version of yourself. If you try to play this game of social media jealousy with her, you will lose.

If you find yourself obsessing over this, do not do anything to make your ex miss you. Instead, just stay away from social media altogether during no contact.

Common Pitfall 2: Thinking that you don’t need to make any changes

Listen man, it doesn’t matter how awesome you are, how many girls are drooling over you, or how much you can bench press.

The truth is, everyone can and should strive to improve themselves and become a better version of yourself.

Stage 3: Dragon of Resistance aka Your Ex Girlfriend’s Consistency

Stage 3 - Your Ex Girlfriend's Resistance

Objectives:

  1. Get Your Ex to Speak to You Normally
  2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh At Least Once

The objectives of this stage are pretty straight forward. Get Her to speak to you again normally. Get her to smile or laugh at something you said at least once.

This stage is called the dragon of resistance because there is a big dragon which is guarding her from opening up to you and giving you a chance to rebuild attraction.

This is no doubt the toughest battle in this mission. Most guys end up failing at this stage.

The resistance she has is based on the following assumptions.

  1. My ex will try to manipulate me and do anything just to get me back.
  2. He will try to act casual even if he is miserable inside.
  3. He will try to get me to meet with him so he can beg or plead.
  4. He has not really changed and neither have I, and if I get back with him, things will go back to the way they were.

These are all very valid reasons to not speak to you. In fact, if any of that is true, I would not advise your ex gf to reply to you if you contacted her.

But hopefully, we have taken care of this in Stage 1 and Stage 2 of getting her back. By now, you are a better version of yourself. You are more confident and you are sure that things will be different when you both get back together.

In this stage, your goal is just to address the first three assumptions that your ex-girlfriend has. You can show her how things will be different later when you are speaking to each other regularly.

It’s very important that you do this correctly. If you mess up here, your ex girlfriend will put up her defenses instantly and you will have to do no contact again for a month or two before trying again.

Here’s how to do that.

1. Get Her to Speak to you Normally

There can be two scenarios in this case. Either you and your ex left on good terms. Or you acted in a way that left a sour taste in her mouth about you.

In either case, it’s definitely a good idea to wipe the slate clean so you can make her feel comfortable speaking to you again.

I speak about this in my article on texting your ex-girlfriend again here. I call this the elephant in the room approach. You acknowledge the elephant in the room by stating everything that happened and apologize for it.

Basically, you address four main points when you contact her first.

  1. You apologize about anything that you did that came off as needy, desperate or manipulative.
  2. You acknowledge the fact that you weren’t your best self after the breakup.
  3. You acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the breakup.
  4. You give a small glimpse of whatever new is happening in your life.

There are three mediums you can use to do this.

  1. A Hand-Written Letter
  2. Text Messages
  3. Email

Once you have contacted her using this method, it’s time to leave her alone for a while. At least for five days.

When you don’t contact her after sending her this text, it will prove to her that you are serious about accepting the breakup and are not just saying this to get her back.

What if she replies?

There’s a good chance your ex will reply to you. If she does, you are free to talk to her. But don’t overdo it just yet. She still might have her defenses up and if you act desperate or needy in any way, it will confirm her doubts.

If she replies, you should speak to her but don’t try to rebuild attraction or make her laugh yet. Just end the conversation on a light note and make her feel good about it.

 

Actionable Steps (Very Important)

  1. Draft an elephant in the room message for your ex using the above guidelines.
  2. Get me to take a look at your draft and give suggestions. (Option coming soon)
  3. Mark your calendar for 5 days after you’ve sent the elephant in the room text.

 

2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh at something you said.

If your ex girlfriend laughs or smiles at something you said, you can be sure that she has eased up around you and will give you a chance to rebuild attraction and connection.

Here’s are some ways to do this.

Use a Past Memory

Think of something that you both enjoyed. And use it to your advantage. This could be a TV show, a youtube channel, a videogame or a coffee shop.

Think something funny about it or think of something a pleasant memory. And then just text her about it. Here’s an example,

“Remember that burger place we used to frequent? Well, I just remembered how I once almost reached the hall of fame for finishing the super large burger when we were drunk and threw up all of it only minutes later. You made fun of me for hours. Good times.”

Think of a Joke

What’s funny and wants his ex girlfriend back?

The person reading this article.

Okay, that wasn’t my best joke. But I am sure you can do something better than that. More importantly, you probably know what tickles her funny bone. So, think of a joke that you think she will find funny and send it to her.

It’s important that you do this after she has replied to you at least once.

Stage 4: The Climb of Connection aka connecting with your ex girlfriend

Stage 4 - Connecting With Your Ex Girlfriend

Objectives:

  1. Increase frequency and intensity of conversations
  2. Understand and Attract your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level (Use the Solution from Stage 2)
  3. Get Her to Meet You

A deep connection is the difference between lovers who stay together forever and lovers who are together for only a short time.

If you can learn to develop a deep connection with the woman you love, you are going to etch yourself in her heart like no one else before you. You will be able to turn even the biggest flaker into a loyal, loving girlfriend.

1. Increase Frequency and intensity of your interaction with her

You want to slowly increase the amount of time you and your ex girlfriend speak. Once you are able to make her smile or laugh, she should be open to hear more from you.

To do that, you must take initiative and start texting her more often.

However, you must not overdo it as overdoing it will make you look needy or desperate.

Here’s a sample timeline you can follow for this.

  • Day 1: text her something funny. end the conversation shortly after that
  • Day 2: Don’t text her
  • Day 3: Don’t text her
  • Day 4: Speak to her casually. Make the conversation a little longer than usual.
  • Day 5: Text Her Casually about something you spoke on Day 4. Continue the conversation for 5 minutes and end it saying you have to go somewhere.
  • Day 6: Don’t text her.
  • Day 7: Don’t text her.
  • Day 8: Ask her about her weekend. Talk about your weekend and something that happened.
  • Day 9: Speak about your goals and passions. Encourage her to do the same.
  • Day 10: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 11: Talk to her for as long as you can. Don’t let the conversation get boring. If it does, end the conversation.
  • Day 12: same as day 11
  • Day 13: Same as day 11
  • Day 14: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 15: Don’t Text Her until she contacts you.
  • Day 16: Same as Day 11
  • Day 17: Start texting her and try to take the conversation to a phone call.

 

Actionable Objectives to aim for (Important)

  1. Speak to her on text messages or on a phone call for half an hour.
  2. Get her to laugh out loud.
  3. Get her to initiate contact with you at least three times.

 

Understand Your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level

If you want an absolutely amazing relationship with her, you must first make an effort to understand your ex girlfriend better than anyone else. Better yet, you need to understand her better than she understands herself.

If you can achieve that level, you can rest assured that your ex girlfriend will want to stay with you forever.

Here are a few topics that you should speak about to make her feel understood and connected with you.

1. Life Goals

Talk about things she is passionate about. About the things she cares about. To get her to start talking about things that she cares about, you should start talking about the things that matter to you and you are passionate about.

You can also use creative questions to do this for you. Here’s an example,

“If you can change any thing about your professional life, what would it be?”

Your Ex GF: “Well, I would try to find a way to include dancing in it somehow. But I don’t think that’s possible considering I work in Marketing. lol”

You: “Yeah, you are an amazing dancer. I loved that show you did at the club house. Man, I wish I were that good. How did you become so good at it?”

2. Childhood

Our childhood is the deepest corner of our psyche that pretty much rules our adult life. Talking about your childhood and how it affected you is a great way to understand yourself and your ex girlfriend on a deeper level. Again, use creative questions like,

“Were you closer to your father or your mother?”

or “I loved my granny house in the summer. It was an amazing family time for me. Did you have a place your family went to for summer vacations?”

3. Other negative relationships

Friends, family, coworker. Finding common enemy is a great way to make friends. You can use this to your advantage. Speak about the person she likes the least and try to understand why she dislikes her or him. By validating her negative emotions about this person, you will make her feel understood.

4. Her Feelings for You and your past relationship

Chances are, your ex still has feelings for you. She might also have some negative feelings about the breakup or the reasons that lead to the breakup. Getting her to talk about these things can work to your advantage if you do it right.

Even if she talks about something negative about you or your past relationship, you should not take it a bad sign. If she is sharing something with you (even if it’s negative), it means that she is trying to convince herself to get back together.

It’s actually a good sign. You can prove to her that you have really changed by remaining calm. You show her that you can handle conflict and negative feelings like a pro.

But, it can also affect you badly if you are not prepared. This is why it’s important that you get your shit together as mentioned in stage 2 of this guide.

Actionable Objectives to Aim For (Important)

  1. Get Her to open up about her past
  2. Get her to talk about her feelings for someone else (negative or positive)
  3. Get her to share her feelings for you (negative or positive). Make sure you know how to handle it if it’s negative.
  4. Get her to speak about one positive or negative experience from your relationship
  5. Use the solution from Stage 2 to your advantage.

Get Her to Meet You

Getting her to meet you should be easy if you build a strong connection with her over texts and phone calls first. In fact, if you do it right, there’s a good chance she will talk about meeting you (or at least give you a strong hint that she wants to meet you).

If she doesn’t, then you should ask her out. Don’t think too much about it. Just tell her that you want to meet up with her for a coffee.

It’s important that you don’t call this a date as it might get her to put up her defenses.

A face to face meetup is your ultimate opportunity to increase attraction, connection and trust with her. But you should not rush into it. You should be speaking to her for at least a couple weeks before you ask her out.

Places to ask her out for

  • Coffee
  • Beer
  • Shopping
  • Concerts
  • Events

What if she says no?

If she refuses or is hesitant, give her a little nudge. Something like “Come on, it’s just coffee.” If she still says no, back off for some time..

What if she flakes at the last moment?

If your ex girlfriend cancels meeting you at the last moment (because of a genuine reason or a flaky one), then there’s a good chance she is skeptical about this or she thinks meeting you is a big deal. There’s also a chance that she is in a rebound or she is thinking of dating someone else.

In this case, just focus on rebuilding connection with her on phone and ask her out again after a week. If you suspect she is dating someone else, read this article to figure out what to do.

Actionable Steps (Very Important)

  1. Figure out which place will be best suitable to ask her out to.
  2. Ask her out and get a yes.

Common Pitfall: Ending Up in the dreaded friendzone

If you are in this stage, you risk ending up in the friend zone. This usually happens to guys who are too afraid to speak about difficult topics and try to stay in the safe zone.

In other words, this usually happens to guys who are too scared to lose her. Guys who are scared that the wrong move will make her stop talking to you. Who are scared that if you screw up, she will block you and never speak to you again.

If you look at it from another angle, this happens to guys who are still insecure at this stage and have no confidence.

Guys who have put their ex girlfriend on a pedestal and refuse to let her down.

If she feels that you are too timid and really want her in your life to feel good about yourself, she will keep you in her life, but as a friend.

She loved you and probably cares about you, but she will not get back with you out of pity. She will keep you as a friend and use you for emotional support though.

So how do you stay away from your ex friendzoning you?

The first thing I will ask you to do is read Stage 2 of this guide. If you are confident and secure in yourself, she will probably not think of you as friendzone material in the first place.

But, if you still feel like she is using you to just dump all her emotional baggage without giving you anything in return, do the following.

1. Have an equal relationship: If she uses you for emotional support, use her as emotional support. If she talks about her feelings, you should also spend enough time talking about your feelings. If she asks you to pick her up from the airport, ask her to do the same.

2. Don’t let her disrespect you or cross any boundaries: If she starts talking about how she is attracted to the guy in the gym, don’t give her advice on asking him out. Instead, set a boundary. Tell her that even though she has all the right to do what she wants, you still have feelings for her and you don’t want to speak about this. You are not her girlfriend and she can’t discuss these things with you. Yes, she might stop talking to you for a while, but she will respect you more for it and will probably start talking again when she misses the connection you both have.

Common Pitfall: Asking Her Out Too Soon

A lot of guys make the mistake of asking your ex-girlfriend out as soon as they start speaking to her.

If you ask her out too soon, she is going to put up her defenses and will become reluctant. There’s a good chance she will say no.

It’s important that you build up enough attraction and connection over the phone before asking her out.

Common Pitfall: Letting her get a rise out of you

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend will do or say things that she knows will make you angry. She will try to get you to react and act the way you acted in your past relationship. It’s important that you remain calm in these situations.

If something makes you angry or upset, you should address it, but you should not do it the way you used to do. You should breathe, calm down and tell her clearly what makes you upset and what are your boundaries.

Stage 5: The Final Boss aka Get Her Back Already

Stage 5 - Getting Her Back

Objectives:

  1. Ask Her Out on a Second Date
  2. Get Her to Agree to give it another shot
  3. Keep Her for Good (if she is worth it)

Alright mates, this is the final boss. The moment you have been waiting for. Because when you meet her, you will have the ultimate opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how things will be different this time.

1. Asking Her Out on a second date

When you meet her, you should have just one goal in mind. To get her to agree to second date.

The first time you meet her, she will be testing the water.

Can I really have a fun time with him?

Has he really changed?

Is this all just a ruse to get me back in that same miserable relationship?

Is he going to pressure me into getting back together?

She is going to be skeptical about a lot of things. And for good reasons. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.

It’s your job to put her at ease. It’s your job to get her to enjoy her time with you.

Here are a few pointers –

Talking about the breakup and the relationship

If your first meeting ends up with both of you just talking about the breakup and your past relationship, it will look like that you are both meeting just to get closure.

Instead, you should use this time to talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. You should talk about the good times and good memories. And you should have a good time together and create good memories together.

But, it’s also important that you don’t try to avoid something serious that’s on her mind. If she wants to talk about something that happened during the breakup or your past relationship, you should be willing to talk about it.

You should be able to resolve the issue swiftly so you can get back to having a good time with her.

Don’t be afraid of negativity or arguments

A lot of time, guys try to avoid any difficult topics because they are scared their ex girlfriend will become upset and the date will go badly. In an effort to avoid making their ex girlfriend upset or starting an argument, they will just agree to her point of view even if they don’t.

This is how you get friendzoned.

Instead, learn how to handle arguments and negativity in a conversation. Learn how to understand her without patronizing her. Learn how to be an adult in a difficult situation.

Continue the date Further

If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. You should take the lead and ask her to join you for something else.

If you just finished coffee, ask her to accompany you to a pub nearby.

If you just finished shopping, ask her to have coffee and cake with you.

If you just finished dinner, ask her to catch a movie with you.

Use Kino and do intimate actions as Much as You Can

Kino is simply a term that is used to describe the art of touching. You want to have as much physical contact with you ex girlfriend  as possible during this date.

Hold her hand when you are crossing the street.

Touch her shoulders or arms when she says something funny.

You should also use intimate actions as much as you can. Actions that only couples do with each other. For example,

Use a tissue to wipe something off her face.

Ask her to taste your food and feed her from your spoon.

Don’t ask her out on a second date just yet.

Your job is to show her a great time and show her that you have changed and are well equipped for a healthy relationship. You don’t want to end the date with asking her on a second date. Instead, you want to let this experience linger in her mind for a while.

You want her to go home and think.

“That was great. I want to do it again.”

Hopefully, she will talk about doing it again herself. If she does, set up a date and time immediately.

If she doesn’t, wait a couple days and ask her out again.

Actionable Objectives (Important)

  • Take her to second venue on the same date
  • Hold her hand for more than 10 seconds in a romantic way

2. Get Her To Agree To Give You Another Shot

If you have done everything right till now, it should be easy to get her to give you another shot. This is like the final boss fight in a very long video game.

Just like you would stock up on potions and ammo before a final boss fight, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking her to be your girlfriend again.

Let it be Her Idea

Ideally, you want it to be her idea to want to get back together. If you have done everything right till now, then your ex girlfriend probably wants you back already. In most cases, she will start talking about the idea of getting back together, about how your relationship will be if you get back together.

But if you and your ex girlfriend have been going on dates for a long time (at least a month), then you should take the plunge and ask her.

Here’s a simple way to ask her to be your girlfriend again,

“Hey, I know our past relationship ended badly. And I am as skeptical about the future as you are. But spending the past few weeks with you have been very nice and I have a good feeling about this. Do you want to give us another try? Maybe take things slow, and see how it goes?”

Be Skeptical

Note, that you don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend again. You want to ask her to agree to take things slow.

You should be as skeptical about getting back together as she is. After all, you both broke up once. And you don’t want to end up in a heartbreak again. So, if you two decide to get back together, take things slow and analyze your new relationship before committing to it completely.

Use EPB Basics E-course

Like I said before, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking your ex girlfriend to get back together with you. To do so, you should follow this article in its entirety. Specially Stage 2 and Stage 4.

I’ve designed the EBP Basics E-course to help you get through Stage 2 of this article. It will send you an email everyday for the next 30 days to help you become a better version of yourself. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.

Actionable Objectives

  • Ask her to give it another try using the template mentioned above
  • Subscribe to the EBP Basics E-course by taking this quiz

Common Pitfall: Getting angry if she doesn’t agree to get back together

If she says no to getting back together, you shouldn’t get angry and/or make all the mistakes mentioned in the stage 1 of this article.

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might say no initially when you talk about getting back together. But sometimes, they change their mind after a few days.

If she says no, it’s important you stay calm and composed. Give her a few days time and then start rebuilding attraction and connection again.

If she still says no the second time, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

 

3. Keep Her for Good

Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.

Keep working on improving the connection

Just because you have her doesn’t mean you should stop working on the connection you have with her.

Romantic connection is like a plant. If you don’t water it for a week, it will wither but survive. If you don’t water it for a month, it will lose it shine, look terrible, but still be alive.

But if you neglect it for several months, it will die.

Keep working on your confidence individually

Having someone love you is a great confidence booster. But if you are just depending on your girlfriend for validity, approval and love; she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.

This is why it’s important that you keep working on your self-esteem and your confidence even after you get her back. Read Stage 2 of this guide to understand how to do that.

Be honest and communicate well

Honesty and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you learn how to be honest and communicate effectively in your relationship, then every time you both have an argument, it will just bring you both closer. Yes, you will get closer every time you have a disagreement.

So, learn the skills needed for that. (Again, join the EBP Basics E-course for that).

Actionable Tips (Very Important)

  • Go on a date with your New Girlfriend at least twice a month.
  • Work on your passions for at least 10 hours a month.

Common Pitfalls: Getting Complacent

Getting complacent is the number one reason most guys end up losing the love of their life. You may get complacent about yourself. Or about your relationship.

Life is all about challenges. Even if you successfully win her back, you should still strive for bigger and greater things. You should strive to build a stronger foundation and a better relationship with her.

Even if you think you are confident at this point, you should still strive to become a better version of yourself. You should still work on things that matter to you, including your passions and your life goals.

Conclusion:

This article is long. If you have read it so far, I commend you for your dedication. It means you are truly serious about getting her back and keeping her.

There’s a good chance you will need to refer to this article again and again in the upcoming months, so I recommend you bookmark it so you can come back here easily.

And don’t forget to join the EBP Basics E-course. I share a lot of information over emails to my subscribers. You will not regret it. Take this quiz to subscribe.

Good luck!

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319 Comments on "The Art Of Getting Your Ex-Girlfriend Back in 5 Stages – Game Plan [With Clear Instructions & 17 Goals]"

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Derrick
Derrick

Hi. Thanks for the page it has give me a lot of clarity. I broke up with my ex a few days ago. And it was entirely my fault. Three weeks ago I took a trip to visit my mum for a weekend and came back and when I did I would try to contact her and she seemed different, she always lied to me and never wanted to spend time with me, then a friend of mine told me that she was out with another guy. When I confronted her she didn’t address the issue. And I run mad thinking how could she cheat on me so I would call her a lot show up to her work place and she seemed to be going further away. So this really messed with my mind. So the other day I went to see her and she said she needs time to be alone and enjoy her alone time focus on her work and that if we are bound to be then we will but we should stop seeing each other, but she told me she will always be my friend and be there for me…basically breaking up with me. Honestly I love her so much and all I want is her back in my life because she made such a big impact in my life. So what do I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Go into no contact for now and follow the guidelines found in our articles on everything you should do (and not do) to win her back.

Joe
Joe

So my ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago after a year and a half of dating she said she didnt feel the same anymore and that i was clingy and also after the break up for about 3 weeks i was trying to talk to her saying sorry and that i know she still loves me and that please comeback to me i also cornered her and told her that she still had feelings for me and please think about me after words she said she didnt want anything to do with me not even be friends during which i told her sorry for everything i did to her after the breakup ive done no contact for the past 3 weeks during this time she also got into a new relationship with a good friend of hers (which also scares me cause idk if he is a rebound or not, and if he is how long will the be together) i do feel good about myself and i know the mistakes i made and ive also been working on myself become a better person but idk how to reestablish contact should i start with an elephant in the room text or what also idk if she even misses me or still has feelings for me

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since things ended the way it did back then, perhaps you might want to give it more time before considering approaching her again as she might not respond to you positively at this point. I would recommend continuing with NC and working on yourself for another couple of weeks before trying to contact her, and based on her response, you’ll be able to gauge how she feels towards you.

Alex
Alex

It’s been almost three weeks of NC with my ex. But my ex has never liked texting, so I’m a bit skeptical of that phase of the plan. I don’t think I can make her fall again through text if she absolutely hates texting everyone. Would it be a mistake to call her up and ask to meet up?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps start with a text or two first, before proceeding to calling her. You don’t want to suddenly call and she is taken aback by it.

nik
nik

I’ve been with my ex for 5 years when she broke up with me. i am currently working aboard and she dumped me when i got home from work for 7 months. i was devastated that time because i was so excited to see her after 7 months. before i got home we had a fight, i was insecure, jealous and super needy that time. i tried to beg her to come back to me but nothing happend…i was married before and i have not yet filed for annulment and she said she got tired of waiting for me. it’s been almost 3 months since we broke up and im back here in the middle east again and now im trying hard to do the NC. do i still have a chance to get my ex back? now im trying hard to focus on myself and improve myself while in far from home so that when i come home again i become a better version of myself. its just hard to be alone and far from home and without someone to talk to.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I know it’s hard, but you’ll have to persevere if you want to win her back. Keep distracted during this period, and perhaps do things that would lift your spirits as well.

David
David

Long story short, my ex broke up with me two months ago after 5 months of dating. Her excuse was “she was unhappy”. She couldn’t really explain the reasoning of why she was unhappy and I still don’t buy that excuse. However she wanted to maintain a friendship with me, even though she doesn’t like being friends with exes because she feels there will always be an attraction between exes. We’ve maintained a friendship after the breakup and hung out twice since. She was more flirty with me the first date than the second date. I can tell she still has feelings for me but is guarded and possibly afraid and I’m sure right now she just wants to focus on her self, which is fine with me because I want to do the same. However, I feel she has distance herself as time has passed and I’m realizing now I should have done NC immediately after the breakup. Is it too late to win her back if I break off contact with her for awhile or do I still have a chance if I start NC? Should I even bother since she said there was no chance of getting back with her even though she has gotten back with one other ex who treated her badly?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As the relationship was only for 5 months, if you’re intending on doing NC, perhaps aim to do about 2-3 weeks of it, especially if you’ve been talking to her almost daily prior to her distancing herself from you. It’s natural for her to have her guard up, but if you want to win her back, you’re going to have to prove to her that you’re different from past partners by showing her positive changes.

David
David

She acknowledged she started to have her guard up since the second date since she saw I still had strong feelings for her. She maintains that regardless of having feelings for me she doesn’t want to get back together. Should I continue with the NC or just give up hope?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This is entirely your choice, whether you want to persist and be patient in slowly trying to win her over, or give up because of the uncertainty and potentially wasting your time. Ultimately there’s no guarantee for any relationship to work out, and its something you have to take the chances on.

Kat
Kat

So, this is a same-sex break up story. We dated for almost 2 years, but only the 1st month of it was just us.. that means that her very abusive, conservative family found out and went ballistic. Her parents sent me threatening text messages to keep away, but we persisted and made it work undercover. We both considered ourselves straight before this and the bond was too strong to let. She was, still is, also a person with mental problems, mostly depression, which in the course of these 2 years has not been helpful to our relationship, but I had learnt to deal with it, both for me and her, more effectively. But the lies she kept telling her family, the fear of being found out and expect abuse for both me and her, became too much. She lost physical attraction, yet she never lost the feeling. We broke up because her depression peaked and at the same time she collapsed under the pressure of lying, she even had dermatological issues out of the fear. She is still studying, probably will for a year more, and lives with her parents. I believe that what we had is hard to find. I am 28 and I had mediocre as I now know relationships before. Same goes for her, only she is 24. I believe we never got our chance, so I want to hope for a future together, but I know it will be a while, maybe more than a year. Do you believe I should attempt it if I still want it…later in life? There’s nothing to forgive, if the family was out of the picture, I firmly believe we would still be together.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This would be entirely dependent on you and whether you want to or not. However, do consider the relationship she has with her family (whether it’s good or not) prior to meeting you, and if she would be able to sacrifice that and leave her family behind for you since that may be what it takes to have a lasting relationship especially if her family is entirely against you/the idea of a same sex relationship.

Atom
Atom

Hello, so I dated a girl significantly younger than myself for about 3 months. The first few weeks were delightful, she was attentive, responded well to my compliments and was frisky and eager to please. After a few weeks it slowed down considerably on her end, the frequency of talking remained very good but she died down on complements or sexy talk. Whenever I brought it up she said she just had intimacy issues and it was hard for her to say those things (although she had no problem before) over time she would stop responding to texts, get increasingly angry towards me for all annoyances in her life, yet maintained that we were a “thing” the sex and reciprocated flirting also died down to nonexistent. Around me she was always a downer, yet in public she was a flirty outgoing lady, except towards me. I can admit I was impatient and frustrated with the situation and acted in a non gentlemanly manner, being more of a confused child than the stud bull I typically am. She was in contact with her most recent ex throughout the entirety of our relationship, and bad mouthed him and his non caring ways often, she did not seem over him, which added to my insecurities on the issue. After a disastrous night at the bar where she was openly flirting with various men I said enough and cut it off. A week later I reached out again to which she was somewhat receptive, we hung out again and she was once again Debby downer and seemingly uncaring towards me even being there. A few days later we had it out over text about the situation. Since then, a month and a half, we’ve had 3 phone conversations and various texts I’ve sent that go Unreplied for days. When we talk she’s vaguely hostile and mentions that she’s still pissed at me, and went so far as to tell me about the last guy she dated since me, which aleady didnt work out. I’m not sure if what I feel is love or just a hope for something that lasted for a few weeks to return, but she’s on my mind always and I’m not sure how to proceed.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

While she may have had feelings for you before, there’s a chance due to her age and emotional maturity that she just isn’t capable of having a lasting relationship yet. It seems that she may have gotten bored of you which resulted in her flirting with other people, and judging by how quickly her next relationship ended too, seems like she may have gotten bored of him too. You have to take these things into account and even if you decide to win her back, whether she would get bored again after awhile and repeat the cycle.

Julian
Julian

My ex and I were dating for 6 months and then she ended it stating she was unhappy but couldn’t explain the reason well enough. While we were dating, she stated that once she breakup with someone, there is no going back, however she did make one exception with one ex. I did partial NC for about 2 months, and then I asked her if she wanted to hangout. She agreed. While we were hanging out, she told me she is going Washington for the weekend with a friend, whom she didn’t want to tell me who it was, stating ” oh it’s someone you don’t know.” Besides that the date went very well and I could tell she was still into me but it still bothered me she didn’t want to tell me who the mystery guy was. We started speaking more after this date although conversations were nothing serious. We went out again about two weeks later. At this point she tells me she’s going to a broadway show with a male friend and she gives me the same reason as before about not telling me who he is. During our date I told her that I missed hanging out with her and that she is the first girl I’ve ever dated where I found her personality more beautiful than her actual appearance. She blushed and thanked me for giving her space during our breakup. I recently came back from a trip and I mailed her a small souvenir package, with a note stating ” hope you like the gift. Hope to see you soon.” She thanked me after receiving the package with a blushing emoji and during our text exchange I wrote ” it was the only way you can have it since Idk when I’m going to see you again” hinting that I wanted to see her soon. She didn’t acknowledge the hanging out part but that she loved the gift and and appreciated the thought the gesture. Now I’m confused and hurting and don’t know what to do. Is she still into me? Is she really seeing someone else even though she told me on the night of our breakup she wanted to focus on herself? Is there a good chance of us getting back together in the future or should I move on?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

People will say whatever it takes to successfully end the relationship at times, so certain things like ‘wanting to focus on herself’ should be taken with a pinch of salt since they won’t be able to predict the next time they meet someone new. You could always find out from her if she’s currently seeing anyone and make your decision on the next steps to take from there.

Julian
Julian

So she told me it’s just a friend from junior high and she’s not seeing anyone. However she explained to me why she broke up with me stating lack of spontaneity and not making the effort of getting to know her friends when I met them (mind you every time I saw them it was at a club where it’s impossible to get to know someone, let alone a group of people). She stated she still has feelings for me but doesn’t share the same feelings of getting back together. I’m going to start NC but I’m also thinking if I should even bother? Do you feel there’s a chance of getting her bacK?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There’s always a chance, but its always dependent on the circumstances of the entire relationship between the two of you and how meaningful it was.

Sunny
Sunny

Mine is not different case. My seven years marriage couldn’t work out, nothing was going right with us. So finally I filed for divorce last year. My wife is not ready for it.
We are not staying together from last one year.
During this time as was going through very difficult phase. Got in touch with one office colleague working in different department. We became friends then fall in love. All was going well from April 2017 till last month. Unfortunately one of her family friend working in the same company with us come to know about us. He has informed everything to her real brother. We belong to different caste and culture moreover my divorce is yet to settle. He is not ready to accept our relationship. He has informed her not to keep any contact with me and given promise on parents not to keep any contact with me from then onwards she is not talking to me even blocked my no. I have not tried to called her even or msged she has conveyed from one of her friend that we are meant to be together and asked me to move on life. As we are working in same organisation getting very difficult for me not able to concentrateon work. As I can see her in front can’t even ignore her. When I found her talking her colleagues nicely broke me in pieces.
I want her back in my life. Do I have any chance. Pls guide me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I’m a little unfamiliar with the caste system and how strongly people adhere to it, but if its something that won’t change, and she is someone who believes or has strong respect for it, then you might want to consider moving on.

Julian
Julian

Hi Ryan, so this is my story. My ex left me about 3 and a half years ago. (we were friends for a few years before dating however).
I was neglecting her and not giving her the appreciation she deserved. I was completely blind to this at the time though and have grown as a person significantly since. I’ve also ticked alot of the boxes you state above since, and feel like a better person that deserves her alot more now.
She started dating someone almost immediately afterwards and it was quite an ugly break up. I also started dating someone afterwards, but quite a while later.
Her new relationship lasted about 3 years (during which there was no contact) and mine closer to a year. We both became single again around the same time. After which I really realised that I messed up by neglecting her and that shes a great match for me, and I’d love a second shot at us.
When she became single she unblocked me off all social media, which is a big step for her. And I initiated contact about a month later with a light text about a funny part of our past, which got her to laugh and we chatted about how we’ve been doing since, with our careers etc. She mentioned that she’s working with kids and I replied that I’m happy for her and not surprised, given that she was always good with kids and wanted to help people. And I asked her to elaborate further on a problem one of the kids has that she’s helping. She never replied. This was about 3 weeks ago. I haven’t intiated contact since, as I thought she just isn’t interested. Any advice?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well it could have been that she was busy and forgot. You could always try dropping her another text or message again since it has been 3 weeks but start on a different topic and see how she responds to you from that.

Brian
Brian

Hello, right now i’m at stage 4 of this strategy guide, and I followed all the steps exactly like mentioned in the guide. The breakup wasn’t very dramatic and I didn’t make many mistakes in the days after. So, I recently contacted her via text after the no contact period, and she responded in a positive way, but still she didn’t initiate texting in the next days (also she didn’t contact me during no contact).

A few days later we had to meet eachother because of a party of a mutual friend and after some time she came sitting right next to me and began to be touchy with me, in a playfully fighting way. I just did it back, because I didn’t quite know what I had to do… I have no idea what to think of this..

Do I still have to follow the plan and wait some days before I contact her again?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well most likely she was tipsy, or felt a sense of familiarity and became more open to expressing it while at the party. You could continue to contact her since her initial response has not been negative towards you thus far.

Oliver
Oliver
Hi Ryan, first of all, thank you for uploading this guideline and giving guys like me something to follow through. Here’s my case. My ex and I are seperated for 4 weeks now. He have been together for seven years. the last year was kind of difficult, since something was missing, the passion etc, and we haven’t succeded in working on it intentionally. Our relationsship was at the lowest point at the end and then I made the mistake when a co-worker at work was flirting with me. I agreed to meet her and and was overwhelmed from the feeling that she wanted me so bad. I ended up having sex with her, regreting it and telling my then girlfriend what I did. She ended the relationship immediately and said, that was really the tip of the iceberg and that its not hard for her to end it now, that I have done that, also because we where at our lowest pont ever in the relationship. At the beginning of our breakup I was sort of down but also thought that maybe it might be better that way. My ex and I saw each other coincidentally several times. The last time made me thinking and realized that I actually still have very strong feelings for her. I still think that she is the one for me. 5 days ago I made the mistake and called her, I went all-in and told her that I still love her and that things will change with a new beginning. She told me that she is happy how it is right now and that she doesn’t have enough feeling to start it again. That really hurted me. And I can’t get her out of my mind ever since. Yesterday we had to work together, just for a project for one day. It was really hard for me to stay cool and not needy. I couldn’t help me to bring up our passed relationship again. I told here that I was dissapointed that the breakup doesn’t seem bother her at all, that she acts all normal as if we just good friends. She told me that it isn’t easy for her either, but she doesn’t let anybody see it. I huged her after that but she told me that that wouldn’t have an effect on her. At the end of our shift I told her that it would be better if we have no contact anymore, since I’m the one who is suffering and going crazy all the time. I’m a little bit afraid of seeing her nect week at my best friends bday party next week, since I know I’m not myself right now.… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could follow this article on how to handle events where meeting your ex in unavoidable. As for your chances, I would say that it’s definitely still there, except that it would take time and No Contact would actually be more for you instead of her where you pick your emotional state up and improve yourself during this time. Ultimately, if you want to win her, you’re going to have to give her a reason to actually want you back in order to succeed.

Oliver
Oliver

Hello Ryan, thank you for your reply. As I understand it I’ll have to do the NC phase until I have found a decent emotional state and improved myself. But what if it takes three months or longer, isn’t there a chance that she will forget me because she moved on realising that living without me is possible or even better? Can a NC phase take too long? I know that the NC phases primarely intention is not her to miss me, it’s more than a side effect. It’s more that I develop and find peace within me. But are there any other tools that I can use for her to forgive me that I cheated on her, it’s hard for me to just rely on time since she might just put me in a position were I’m just the bad guy and then she just gets over it. And you were talking about giving her a reason to actually wanting me back. The way I see it is to present her a version of me that ultimately promises a new and more fulfilling relationship than the past one. Or what do you exactly mean with reasons for her to give me another chance? Can you suggest something in particular?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, basically you want to come across as someone that’s worth forgiving and starting anew and the best way to go about doing so is to actually make those changes and finding the peace within yourself. NC also gives her time to process and let go of the negative feelings she has against you at this point. If it is going to take awhile before you reach that decent emotional state, perhaps at least give it a month of NC before you go about and apologize to her or send the elephant in the room text in order to at least show her that you are sorry for whatever has happened.

Olli
Olli

Thanks Ryan. Can you also give me a reply to one of my last questions. Can I do NC too long?

Besides that, I started NC 4 days ago. The last messageI sent her was about apologizing and saying that we shouldn’t have contact from now on. Now what I want to ask you, theres a bday party from my best friend this friday, she will be there too. I don’t go if I should go there, I’m pretty vulnerable at the moment. But I’m too concerned what she might think if I’m absent. What should I do? Avoid the party because of no contact? And again, can you do the NC phase too long? Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could go to party if you feel emotionally stable enough to do so, but avoid contact with her when there and at the same time try not to act too unusual, meaning just be yourself but avoid small talk with her. To answer your first question, NC has a timeline that differs for everyone depending on the relationship. Contact too soon, and your ex is still feeling negative towards you but wait too long and she may very well move on. I cannot answer for certain what that timeline is because it really depends on your relationship with her, as well as the type of person she is. Generally, a good time frame is 30 days for civil breakups, but longer if the breakup took an ugly turn or you’re not ready.

Oliver
Oliver

Thank you. Can you also reply to my previous question if a NC phase can take too long?
And my best friend is giving a bday party this friday, she will be there too. Is it okay if I don’t go since I’m emotionaly unstable or could she be turned off if I dont come since I’m avoiding her on purpose? Thanks, Oliver

jon
jon

Hi, I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 years and have completed 2 months of no contact. The relationship ended on fairly good terms. I recently initiated contact with my ex and we shared a few messages for 2 days (just 1 or 2 messages per day). We did not talk about anything serious or the past relationship. However, she has not replied to my last message for 3 days now. I know I should not panic as she is quite busy with work/uni at the moment, but am just wondering how I should approach things now. Thanks!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Wait for another week or so before trying to reach out to her again. Start off on a completely separate topic from the last time or perhaps even discuss something that you may have needed her advice on to avoid looking desperate.

James
James

Girlfriend ended things after 16 months because she needed space and felt suffocated, and said that feelings from before were no longer there. We have been living 60miles apart whilst in my final year of university for the last 8 months, texting regularly and visits every other week. She said she felt more like friends and that i was too needy and insecure. Currently in first week of NC. I’m finishing university in just 3 weeks and starting a new job back home. She still cares very much about me but just says the feelings aren’t the same as before christmas time… which coincides with when my work has been getting super busy at university and visits have been less frequent. What shall i do to try and re-spark things when I get back home?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Start off with building the friendship back up and trying to get close to her again before attempting to build feelings up and attracting her back the way you first did when you got together with her.

Brand Brand
Brand Brand

Yep, she has moved into my house because she got evicted from her home. Im talking about my ex-wife. We were married for 10 years. We have 2 little boys together. She left me 1 year ago and she wanted the divorce. I do want her back, I love her and she knows it. Her and our boys have been living with me for since 3/12/2018. This is now OUR home. We have made love a few times. But it is so hard to talk to her she is still angry. She told me she would never live with me again but here she is. What does this all mean? What can i do to keep her and win her heart back? Please help me now!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems like she does have feelings for you but harbors negative emotions at the same time. My suggestion right now would be to perhaps avoid bringing up serious topics but to work on building a positive bond with her through pleasant memories so that she becomes more receptive towards you.

OJames G
OJames G
Gf of 7 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. Longest NC we had was for 2 weeks, I reached out around 8pm via text as a family member was ill, I didn’t hear anything from her (Assume she was asleep) then she called me around 1am. I picked up and we talked, she reassured me everything would be ok, then we had a light hearted chat and I managed to make her laugh a bit. I told her I was working on myself and talking to someone about everything, and was able to see a lot of mistakes I couldn’t have in the relationship. She said she was glad but she didn’t want me to do it for her, that she hopes it helps me not repeat these mistakes in the future. I then stupidly pushed instead of leaving it on a nice note, and I asked her what if things could be different? She said that she misses me and when she sees funny things; jokes, memes etc she gets really sad and still thinks “I want to link this to him”, but she doesn’t because she feels it will keep us/me from moving on. And she said that while she gets sad that she can’t talk to me and reach out, when that sadness passes she feels peaceful and relief, that she doesn’t want to get back together because she doesn’t want to feel insecure, anxious or angry anymore. I said i understood and left it and we said goodbye and hope we can talk again one day. The next day we exchanged texts and she said while she didn’t mind being there for me, that I should maybe lean on friends/family, as her being there and being supportive won’t help me move on right now. I explained that it wasn’t hindering me from looking forward, and that I had no other agenda and I took getting us back together off the table because “too much has happened right now” (hindsight, i shouldn’t have said right now), I also said I would take a step back and not talk to her again as I think we both need the space. I said regardless of what’s happened we still have a connection on some level even if we’re not together and that was important to me that we get back to a place of neutrality at some point. She then said she felt it was clear that I would always have the thought of getting back together in the back of my mind, that she “wanted to be very clear that won’t happen”. Then she pointed out that even the “too much has happened *right now*” portion… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The next time you reach out to her, perhaps go on a lighter note and avoid the topic of the relationship failing at the start because you want to avoid having her jump to the conclusion again so soon before anything is built up and she becomes guarded. You could continue with NC for perhaps around a month this time around. With regard to starving out the good feelings, as long as when you contact her again, you bring that side of the picture up, it should be fine.

OJames G
OJames G

I plan to give it some time yes, I’ve written an apology letter – it just outlines how I accept responsibility and recognize the things I did wrong and why they happened etc it also says how grateful I am that we shared what we did, and that I understand this is for the best, but that there’s no reason we shouldn’t talk. It ends in a pretty light hearted note, do you recommend sending this before reaching out via text? Or just keep it to text and keep it light hearted?

Jack
Jack

Me and my girlfirend were together for a year and a half. After some of her mental health issues deteriorated she suddenly broke up with me. She said she hadn’t been sure whether she loved me for a while and her feelings faded as her mental health got worse. But only a few days before she was telling me how in love with me she was. She was always going around her friends telling them how lucky she felt to have me, this never stopped. It was just so sudden, we were so happy and there was so much we had to look forward to. She has messaged me 4 times since, I havn’t read them because I want to go through no contact first and i’m scared if i read them then i’ll break it.
i dont know what to do because shes in such a fragile situation but i love her so much. please help me

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If she is going through mental health issues, perhaps that would be the cause of her sudden change and breaking up with you. I would actually suggest opening the messages and figuring out if she needs support or space, and deciding from there.

Martin Rodriguez Azcarate
Martin Rodriguez Azcarate
Hi Ryan, We were toguether for 4 years, living toguether and all that. This last December she moved out because I did not attend her grandmother funeral (I could not make it on time, 500km away and 12 hours after I knew it) and overslept when I was supposed to pick her up at the airport. She moved and we kind of kept dating but after a huge argument over minor things she decided to dump me. I blocked her in social media and her reaction was to call a guy that was after her and started dating her. 2 weeks after that, I was out of town she tested me because some friend of mine was looking at her in a bad way (my friend was furious at her). They were at a bar and my reply to her was: you decided to fly away, now it is not my issue that some guy looks at you. I am not the one you should text. One hour later she was taking another guy to her house. This happenned 2 months ago. I have been doing well no contact. Only once I failed, it was half way throw. She called me desperate because she heard that I might move to another city (this is actually true as I got an offer). After 1 hour talking she calmed down and just when we were going to sleep (not in the same house), I asked her to have a drink the following day. I did not get a response till the following morning. She changed her mood an told me that I was no longer her 1st priority. She had plans and she was going to do that other thing (going with her rebound to spend the whole day away from town). I was really in shock. I could not understand anything (she did not notice as we did not speak until yesterday). Things were quite well. We even laugh and I talked about my future (this was the only serious thing) and that I was not sure what to do about my job. She said that I should not leave town but if she were to only think in herself she would rather see me go to another city. She also asked me what was my plan for today (friday the 27th). She said that she was dating this guy and would not like to see me in this position at this concert. I tell her I had some other plan. And thats about it. My birthday is May 9th. Her new date happens to be born that very same day. I told her that maybe this week we can have… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might want to consider the job opportunity if it’s good for you, and that you shouldn’t try to force things to happen like make her meet you at that time for drinks since she’s technically dating someone else right now.

Corey
Corey

Hi Ryan thanks for the article really puts things in perspective. For my case, we broke up 2 months ago and after I went through the needy/desperate phase i started NC for 2 weeks until I ran into my ex gf. We ended up going for coffee and talked about what went wrong in the relationship and I made it clear I understood what needed to be changed. We also talked a little about our dating life since then and she said she is not interested in finding someone. She said she still has lingering feelings but does not want to depend on someone for happiness and she seems set on moving on. i wished her well. should i resume NC or try to build attraction?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest perhaps trying once to build attraction, provided she has been receptive towards you so far. However, if she responds negatively, continue with NC for now.

Andy
Andy

Hi. So i split with my ex about 4 weeks ago. She ended our 3 year relationship as she said she felt lonely. This was my fault. I took her for granted and didnt pay her enough attention. Problem is we work together so cant really do the nc rule. Plus i think it would reinforce her belief that she made rhe right decision. Anyway. Last weekend i lost all control and messaged her pouring my heart out. She was very cold and remained adamant that there was no going back ever. Im ashamed to admit that i begged. I asked her how has she got over me so quickly. That made her angry. She told me she wasnt over things emotionally and that she was so lonely towards the end she started to deal with the break up whilst we was together. She also said she loved me unconditionally at the time but theres no going back because it would never last as i never put her first. I really begged but to no avail. Anyway. I left it a few days then sent her flowers yeatersay with a note saying i was sorry for how i handled things. I accept my actions in it all and that i will always love her but will leave her in peace. I waited all day yesterday and she never messaged to say thanks. Today in work i seen her and she thanked me for the flowers. For the rest of the day i cant lie we have had a really good laugh together. It was great. Just like it used to be. Problem is my negative instincts kick in. Now im thinking ‘oh shes only having a laugh with me now cos shes totally at ease with the break up’ and that shes clearly completely over me thats why shes so relaxed. Im doing everything personally to concentrate on myself. Ive been working out. Lost nearly 14 pounds. And bouhht new clothes. Im lolking better than i have. I want to treat out ‘having a laugh together as a positive and not a negative..any suggestions? How do i handle this? And would she really be having a laugh and feel great around me cos shes over me? What should be my next move. Im worried if shes so relaxes that we have split up she might meet someone else. I know im over thinking things and i need to stop. Any advice much appreciated. Andy

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You can refer to this article on handling situations where meeting is inevitable. Perhaps NC is still a good idea at this point for you to regain your own emotional composure before trying to actively win her back again.

James
James
Hey, I’d like to start by saying thanks for this article because I think it’s very helpful! Here’s my situation, I had been with my ex for nearly 5 years we lived together with my parents in another city away from our hometown. She began visiting friends a lot more often back in our hometown which is an hour and a half drive from me. She had been away for a week this time and while she was away was saying she missed me etc but she wasn’t talking to me that much, maybe once every two days. When she came home from this week away she immediately walked into our room and said basically that it’s over and she is moving back to our hometown and getting her old job back and there was no changing her mind, her reasoning was that she didn’t feel like she loved me anymore and she has been trying to make it work. Excuse me if I’m in denial but the month before we went on holiday and had a great time, she even framed photos of us on holiday and put them around our room, oh and she had even sent me things saying I’m her soulmate! She made arrangements to move out 4 days later and even got her old job she loved back during that 4 days. To be honest though I’m not sure she likes living with my family that much and there is nothing here for her to stay around for her family and friends are all back home. I managed to speak to her about some of the issues and picked up the laughter and intimacy and she even started saying that she does see a future with me and that she had told her family that aswell but she really needs time to get back to herself and be single for a while but she doesn’t want me to hold on for her because she doesn’t know clearly what she wants yet. She moved out and I hadn’t made contact with her for 10 days but we do still have each other on social media, I haven’t been reading her posts but she has been reading mine on the ones that track who reads it. It was her birthday on the 10th day of no contact so I messaged her saying happy birthday hope you are doing good and she said thank you and that she hopes I’m doing good etc. I tired to make a little bit of conversation and she was giving pretty longish detailed answers but at the end not asking me any questions to elaborate the conversation so I the conversation after… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I think the most important things is to figure out what it was that made her walk away. Feelings of being unloved and fatigue from the relationship don’t tend to happen overnight and is usually a build up to it. Before you even decide if you want to win her back again or not, you should try to understand this, and also consider the likelihood no matter how small of whether she might have been unfaithful back at her hometown. At least this also helps you reach a decision on your approach and how not to make the same mistake again (if you had done so unknowingly).

Emerald
Emerald

he and his new gf has been dating for about 7 mnths. Is there a chance I can get back with him as they travelled a lot and they stick together like inseparables… is that called rebound anymore coz it has been 7 mnths they have been dating and that we broke up for 8 mnths.

A Person
A Person

I am no relationship expert but I would say that it’s not a rebound anymore unfortunately. I would suggest trying to move on as it will only cause you pain to hope and wait for a miracle to happen.
If for some reason they break up in the future and the stars align maybe you can try to give it a shot again but for now you should not even think about that and move on to new and better things.

Dylan Robles
Dylan Robles

My ex gf of 4 years left me out of the blue last week. She moved from San Diego to Seattle to stay with her aunt. She didn’t even tell me she was leaving. Not even a warning. She just left a note stating she still loves me but had to do what’s best for her right now. To focus on ourselves and our goals and we couldn’t hold each other back anymore. I love this girl with all my heart. We would always talk about marriage and kids etc. We even planned out our goals for this year one of then was moving in together. So it just confused me that she would leave all of a sudden. But before she left she was going through a lot of stress. She didn’t like her job, car broke down, living problems etc. So I think that played a part in her leaving. I think it all just overwhelmed her and she needed a break. But like I said it confused me because why wouldn’t she speak to me about it. Anyways this is our first legit breakup. Is there hope she will come back and work things out ? I’ve done lots of reading on Scorpio woman( my gf is a scorpio) and it said they disappear because they need alone time and space. I’m willing to give her the time and space but how long is too long of a wait ? I sent her an email the other day pretty much saying I respected her decision and I support her 100% and I will work on my self for now. And left it at that. She hasn’t responded but I wasn’t expecting one. Any advice on what I should do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Probably continue on with your life and aiming for positive changes to any issues you personally may have had for now as there really isn’t much else you can do since Seattle is about a 3 hour flight away. If she left so suddenly, you could be right in saying that she needs some space for now and by pursuing after her, she feels more suffocated and feels more negative towards you.

Dylan Robles
Dylan Robles

That’s what I’m hoping. That she needs a breather. But I don’t know how long she is there for. My plan was to give her 2 months and wait for her to contact me . If She doesn’t try to. I was gonna book a flight and give it my last shot before I move on.

Anthony
Anthony
My ex and I were together for 4 years and half and worked in our small business together for 2 and half years. When we started the small business it added a lot of stress to the relationship. We would argue about things in the business that she wanted to do and I thought something else worked better. Our arguments would get heated. She would lock herself in a room and refuse to talk to me I would stand at the door trying to talk to her. She has picked up and left roughly 6 times since we had the business to go back to her dads house. Each time it was for a day we talked and she came back the next day and she says I manipulated her into staying. She has 10 different guys that flirt with her any given day on facebook and we’ve argued about it. I just want her to be open. She claims shes scared because of my temper. We would both call each other names in fights and try to hurt the other as much as possible. Last week I found a cell phone hidden between our mattress. The same guys are in her dm’s flirting and messages obviously deleted. I love her so much and before the business we were fine. The business began to fail we began to fall into debt and she resents me for it. We closed our business March 31st and I thought it was going to be a new opportunity for us to reconnect we’re both looking for jobs still. We haven’t been on gone out on a date together since summer of 2017 because we didn’t have the money. She thinks I her into starting the business and used her. She left me last thursday after I found the phone and questioned her on it. She blocked me on everything which was extremely painful. Being emotional I made a 2nd facebook to contact her during the anger stage and worked my way through anger and eventually into sadness then into acceptance just by talking to her. I’ve started NC today but shes already talking to other guys and going out. What can I do to show her I still love her and want her back. And how can I work on my manipulation/control and temper issues during arguments? She told me she needed space and I needed to work on myself. My last message to her I accepted her need for space explained I still loved and cared about her. Hoped that she would be happy. Explained that I was going to work on myself for the next couple months and that I hope she… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be frank, you can’t. If the relationship has ended, you won’t have a say in the matter until you get back together with her since she’s free to do whatever she wants at this point. The best thing you can do right now is to actually spend this couple of weeks making the positive changes to your life as you had planned to. If the relationship with her was a meaningful one, she will take notice of these changes. Follow the guidelines found in our articles on steps to winning her back.

Anthony
Anthony

She still has things around the house. Paintings we use to paint together, toys for the dog that she didn’t take, clothes. Her dad is the owner of the building the small business is in and we use to live together in an apartment overtop of the business. Her dad still stops by once a week to check on the building. Do you think it’s wise to box up these things and send them back to her with her dad? She also got a new phone with a new number I don’t have access to and I’m blocked on facebook from messaging but not viewing her profile. I was thinking the best thing for me to do is box her belongings up with a picture of us she framed and the paintings we use to do together and including the elephant note in 3 weeks.

Scott
Scott

So I have read a few articles in here to get a game plan but due to certain things nothing has gone as the articles say. I really need some tailored advice to my situation ASAP because me and my girlfriend broke up April 13th and will be hanging out for the first first time april 22nd so I really need somebody advice on what to that day!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on whether the hangout is a mutually agreed upon one and whether she’s comfortable with it. Otherwise it would be advisable to go into NC as per our guidelines recommend.

Dan
Dan

My gf asked for time apart two weeks ago because she became anxious when seeing me because we argued so much. So I moved out and back home and she messaged me that night saying ‘I’m sad we can’t speak’ and I messaged back. The next few days she messaged me normally and then after about a week she said she didn’t know if she could be in the relationship anymore. I panicked and text her continuously that day. Two days later I went up and gave her flowers (which I haven’t done in ages) and she was very cold with me. I’ve since text her everyday, and I’ve pushed for an answer if we’d be ok and she ended it. She wants to remain in contact though, hasn’t changed her fb status, has photos up of me still up and says she still loves me very much but doesn’t like the relationship. So she knocks me back constantly if I imply anything about the relationship. We do disagree when texting and calling also still because I bring the relationship up. I feel like I pushed her away now from panicking. Any suggestions? Been with her 5 years. Only lived together 3 months. Arguing mostly because of my moods, lack of affection and arguing. I didn’t message her for one day and when I messaged the following day she said she missed me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

She definitely still loves you but needs some space as well at this point because by panicking and constantly talking about the relationship, you might end up pushing her away due to the feeling of being suffocated. Definitely start working on how your mood affects the people around you as well to at least give her a reason to not walk away as well.

Jason
Jason

Hey so my girlfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago and I haven’t talked to her since which was hard but I’m doing it. However we go to the same school, so when I finish no contact and start stage 3, should I start to talk to her in school as well as text her?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps start by texting if you’re worried she may respond negatively towards you in public, and build up a level of comfort through there, but perhaps make small initiations as well in school.

Kris S.
Kris S.

I’ve restarted the NC with my ex and it’s only been a day and she text me today saying she has a interview tomorrow for a job in another city.. I don’t want her to go , however like Ryan said I acted like I supported her moving away when I really don’t.. I started the NC because she told me she doesn’t like me. It’s like she wants me around and then doesn’t at same time.. should I ignore her text that she has a job interview? Or should I say congrats and nothing else? be dry and short.. I figured if I ignore she would think I still don’t want her to leave and that’s why I ignored.. she doesn’t know I’m doing NC. she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to… girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If she really has made her mind up to go, depending on the her character and how she feels about you, there may not be much you can do to get her to stay. You could go along with a reply that wishes her all the best for the interview but cheekily add a hint that you’ll miss her if she goes, and see how she responds to it.

Additionally, you can have a read through this article regarding what to do if your ex may be moving away soon.

Jason
Jason

Hi my girlfriend broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago and so far I have not had any type of contact with her. However we go to the same school so when I start to re-establish contact with her in stage 3, should I continue to not talk to her in school?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could start talking to her again in school once you’ve established a comfortable level of contact with her so that there is no awkwardness when talking face to face.

JoCo
JoCo

Hi, I hope this gets read in time. My girlfriend of 11 months asked for space. I was trying but got a bit needy and Space to turned to full break so she can feel free to think without the pressure of me wanting it to all be alright. NOW THE QUESTION. After saying she wants to breakup, she said she wanted us to be friends and run this Spartan Race with her as a friend. Told her I wasn’t sure I could. I waited a day and then told her yes, as friends. Now I’m doing no contact for 10 days until the race. I plan to play it cool at the race – be funny, light and impressive. But what happens after? Do I go back to no contact or start the text process? or skip to getting her out for a coffee date?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Typically, you would go back to no contact but if the meet up that takes place ends on a positive note, perhaps you could continue the conversation to see where it leads to, but any sign of negativity and you should go back to NC again.

JoCo
JoCo

I’m hearing that if it goes well, there’s no need for NC. Just know the old relationship is over and we are building a new one from scratch.

The question is if it goes well, do I make the next get-together coffee/beer for momentum (all fun, no relationship talk) or slow it back to texting to gain trust?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on your current level of relationship with her and comfort levels. If you’re on talking and friendly terms still, then that would be possible but if the breakup had ended badly or there IS a need to build up trust first before asking her out, I suggest not to jumping the gun on the texting process.

JoCo
JoCo

Great website. The Five Step Plan! Here’s a Follow up for everyone (Since no one else does): We carpooled to the race (her suggestion), we ran, had a blast the after party. I went home and did not contact her. That night she sent me all the pics and video she took of us (even though she was at a party when she sent them). The next day she posted them all on her Facebook wall and tagged me. I’m lost from here. Do I do more NC (to show I’m no longer needy), go to slowly increasing text frequency or try to get together in two weeks or so?

debo0450
debo0450

Hi, I’ve read the 5 rules and it’s fantastic advice!….many thanks for posting it for free as well….my question relates to the NC rule and related time period…..considering my breakup is only a few days old …..here’s the story…….My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me after our first fight, we had both had a few drinks and i ended up checking a message she had received on her phone, my intentions were innocent enough in my mind but she didn’t see it like that, long story short I tried to get her to talk and wanted to apologize but she ended up organizing a friend of hers to pick her up from my place, I got angry and said something hurtful to her, felt instantly ashamed and then rushed her out, I let her be for a day then after trying to call her I texted my apology which I feel came across as sincerely as I meant it, later that day she texted me that she couldn’t get over the betrayel and that we were done, the text was scathing and attacked me quite personally so the anger was still fresh…..I didn’t bite back, instead I agreed with her and expressed my remorse for my actions….I think it was more about the way I acted afterwards that hurt her the most, she then went on to question the how and why of my actions and reactions for a while to which I replied as best I could…..I haven’t begged or pleaded I’ve simply told her how how much she means to me and that my hurtful comments were totally undeserved and that I understand and respect her decision to end things……what can I do from here? I’m really not ready to let this girl go…..there has been no contact since the breakup albeit only a few days ago, and we have remained Facebook friends if that means anything

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest giving her some space to cool down before trying to talk to her again. Since the breakup happened only a few days ago, it would be a better idea to give her a couple of weeks before dropping her the message.

Jake
Jake

Hey so my ex and I have been talking casually after a period of 1 month no contact. I initiate contact a majority of the time, its all positive a good amount of the time, sometimes it is kind of neutral. around 2 weeks ago i asked her to lunch and she said yes, and earlier this past week i called her and we had a pretty good conversation about our past relationship and how we both felt we leaned on each other too much and kind of lost ourselves. A day or 2 later, while talking she asked me to hang out… shes a shy and reserved person by character, she even admitted she was very nervous when we met for lunch. I feel like were moving in the right direction (ive been following some great advice on here). I just want to try to get her to open up more, and maybe initiate more contact without feeling nervous. I have tried to not over text her because i feel i was needy towards the end of our relationship.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s great to hear. It seems like you’re on the right path the way things are headed, and you’ll probably just have to continue to build a level of comfort with her so that she automatically starts to open up more. It might take some time but be patient.

Lazaro
Lazaro

So I applied the NC on my ex and today I sent her a message I don’t know like something told me to do so! And she replied I even asked her wyd and she said I’m going to the hospital and then eat with my cousin days before she will so “nothing” and then was time I have nothing else to say and she keep replying!! Then I told her I’m going to the gym and she said okay. Like I said other days she will just read it and not text back. And then she went off for 3 hours then reply me saying “sorry I was at the movies” she’s apologized for not texting me for 3 hours… and make her laugh and now I just said bye to her I’m going to sleep and she reply to! What does this mean ? Should I keep texting like nothing happened? Or should I stop ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you are only at the start of no contact period, I would suggest you to continue on with it but if most of it has been cleared, then you could continue with the conversations to see where they lead and if it’s possible to build up a level of comfort and friendship with her again. However, if she starts to reply negatively or coldly towards you, go back to NC again and don’t get emotional or overthink the situation.

Lazaro
Lazaro

So since that day till now we keep the conversation going… honestly I didn’t spect this because there was time we have nothing else to see but she keep replying. And I was at working busy I didn’t talk to her for hours and when I sent her a massage she reply at the minute! I thought it was going well but then Yesterday she post a picture with a guy she caption it as “is my bestie “ then while we were talking she told me she went to eat I guess rn his house because she said “my best friend’s mom maked it soo good and spicy” by the way I didn’t went crazy on her when I saw this picture or when she told me that instead I tell her positive stuffs! So I went offline again and like 2 hours later I told her I was busy at work and she said she was going bowling with his “friends” she said “friends” so I guess it was 2 or 3 but no instead if was this guy because later she post a video of this guy again
I don’t if she want get me jealous and go all crazy or she really starting a relationship with this guy and she just test me see if I go crazy!
And then she told me we going to get some pizza all I said is “that’s awesome, pizza are sooo good… remember to finished all your meals” she said okay
Then I told her her home safe
She said she will after that i reply “awesome. Ik you can take care of yourself”
Then she didn’t reply!
Now I’m here like thinking what should I do next ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps wait a couple of days before texting her again, and see if she texts you first in that duration. This person might genuinely be a good friend, or it might be something else, but either way getting jealous over it may result in bringing up insecurities and those emotions may show, resulting in her closing up to you. Continue with trying to build up the bond with her and perhaps even arrange for a meet up soon.

Joostieee
Joostieee

Hello, i have a question. What if I did no contact for 23 days and now I have to see my ex on a festival because we have mutual friends. How do I have to react to her? During the break up she said she still had feelings for me but it just didn’t work between us. In the meantime I really showed to the mutual friends I have improved in both my physical and emotional attraction.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s fine if you’re going to have to face her, but perhaps limit small one-to-one talk with her during the event itself. Be friendly but focus on your friends instead. Your presence could easily affect her depending on whether she still has feelings for you, and this would be a good opportunity to show off the changes you’ve made since the break up.

Constantin
Constantin

Hi! I am writing you, because i have a doubt and hope you will make light to me. I’ve begun de NC process and i realize that after a week is my ex birthtday and i don’t know what to do. should I tell her “Happy birthday!” not to be rude Or should i continue with the NC process? Do I have to take it all over again if i tell her “Happy b-day” ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You won’t have to restart NC if you decided to wish her, and it’s fine to wish her if you really want to but avoid continuing the conversation afterwards and keep it short.

Jamie
Jamie

Hello to everyone in the team. I took your suggestion of drafting a letter and want to show it to someone to ensure that I get the best possible response from my ex. Please could you respond and I shall send it via email? Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps you could post the letter on our forum page, and the community could effectively give you feedback on it.

David
David

Hello,I’m in a situation I can’t even describe….My ex and I had been in a long distance relationship of 4.5 years.We really felt in a connection despite the fact that we both live really far from each other(Me in Asia and she in Europe).We had different religion from begin with but yet we still loved each other regarding that.We had fight many times like in every relationship but that never effect us that way.
Yesterday she just broke up with me saying she don’t love me like that anymore and can’t see a future of us being together.It really broke me as she just do that to us all of a sudden despite everything was going so well.I really don’t know what to do so I was just crying and begging in grieve but despite all that she just left.Blocking me from her facebook and everything.I have her phone number but I don’t intend to call her as she might block me from that too.I really want her back in my life.
I don’t know how long I should keep NC with her.What am I supposed to do then.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi David, not to sound negative but if there was no particular reason and she broke things off with you all of a sudden without any major incident, it could mean that she genuinely lost interest because of the distance, or might even have another person in her life. Regardless, if you still want to give it a shot, I suggest waiting around 2-3 weeks before contacting her again. However, if she still does not respond positively or hasn’t unblocked you, I strongly recommend you considering the idea of moving on.

Bruh
Bruh

On the night of April 1st, my girlfriend of 2 months told me that her interest level in me has been going back and forth, so she wanted to break up. This girl is beyond everything I wanted in a relationship; she is somebody I think is too good to be true. I did everything I could to get her attention since May 2017 and we finally started dating in Jan. I am not about to give up on us.
That night I told her how much I valued her, and she decided that we should take a break and she will contact me when she has made her decision.
I have been improving myself since then. I’ve lost a few pounds and I changed my hair style. Any other advice?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps you could also make these changes more visible to her, through the use of social media to highlight the positive changes you’ve made known and to increase her awareness towards you.

Kris
Kris
So I was with my ex for about 5 months and 2 weeks. She is a single mom and we both agreed that we would take it slow and not bring her daughter into the mix for a few months. About 4 months into it I finally met her daughter because I felt we both were at a point in the relationship where I saw a future together. She has been very adamant about wanting another kid or two somewhere down the line. The thought of having a kid has always been something that has scared me. Deep down I want it but I still get nervous when talking about it. It’s not something I take lightly and I told her that I might want them someday but I’m unsure. Anyways fast forward to roughly a month ago, me and her took her daughter to an amusement park for the day and had a lot of fun. That is until a certain point when my ex just looked distant and/or upset and said she didn’t feel well and wanted to go home. It wasn’t until a few days later that she told me she needed to break up with me because she needed to be single, that she isn’t going to be dating anyone soon, and that she still wanted to be friends since we were both pretty much each other’s best friends. I did tell her that I don’t think I could be “just” friends with her though. The break up conversation only lasted a short time and even though I told her I understand and wished her the best I was absolutely devastated. It seemingly came out of nowhere and I never really got a chance to ask her what it was really about. In the past my breakups have been horrible, like the lashing out creepy stalker shit but this time I honestly am not mad at her and just want her to be happy. But I also want her back. I have been doing NC for about 2.5 weeks now and finally my head is clear enough to get out of bed and try and focus on improving myself. I think part of the reason we broke up was because I had kind of let myself go physically and my insecurity about my body started coming out. I have been exercising and eating better since. But part of me really wants to talk to her to find out what went wrong and what the actual reason for us breaking up was. I don’t know if that would be something we talk about after the NC period or just forget about it completely and start over.
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be something you address down the lines after NC is over, but first establish a friendly relationship with her before moving onto such a heavy topic. Bear in mind as well, that by bringing it up, you risk reminding her of why she broke up with you which may potentially push her away if she’s the sort to get emotionally affected by the past.

Kris
Kris

Thanks for the reply. We had many healthy conversations over issues in the past about each other’s past but I suppose this topic might be different. I’m starting to get to a good place mentally. When I think about her now I smile instead of cry even though I miss her greatly and I’m trying to not get my hopes up and pre-accept that she doesn’t want to get back together just in case.

Dave
Dave

Me and my ex split up 2 weeks ago after 2 years. I definitely want her back, and for the right reasons. She did it via email which is fine cause we would actually email a lot. About a month or so ago she said she’d needed a little space temporarily, and I didn’t really do that (which I realize now made me seem desperate/selfish) so she was upset in her breakup email. “I didn’t care about what she was asking for;she waited for me to show her how marvelous our life would be together, she didn’t think I was right for her, she’ll always love me…” The next night she sent a short, much nicer email telling me she prays I’m doing well and she “definitely doesn’t laugh as much,” not being around me. I sent a long email a couple days later. I guess my question is does it seem like I could get her back? I’m in no contact right now for about a month. Does that sound right? I’m receiving the emails from Kevin already but thought I’d see if this helps too. Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems like you’re on the right path, and you definitely have a chance as long as you show her the changes that she needs to feel happy/secure in the relationship again.

Jon doe
Jon doe

Hello, I’m in a predicament… Soo I was with the coolest girl for 9 months but I was afraid to commit. Because I had gone in with wanting to take it slow and find the perfect girl for me. She just didn’t seem that motivated to do the best she can in life (best being a very broad term) so I feel I had held back from commuting due to not seeing what I wanted in a lifetime commitment. So I not purposely pushed her emotions aside because she was deeply in love with me and I did not see it the same… Soo now she dumped and wants to move on but I think that I would be making a big mistake if I let her go… Obviosly communication needs to be worked on, and so does my issues . I read the whole article,but is their any different advice you would give, I honestly think I just need to work on showing and talking about what I am thinking instead of locking them away, any advice would be great… Side note it happened 2 weeks ago we did have sex like 4 days after and well was good that night but next day she wanted to not talk again… Soo obviously I sent a few sorry texts out but I have refrained the past few days..

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Before you officially begin with no contact, was your ex fully aware of how you felt regarding the entire situation? Or did she regard it as you simply not being able to commit because you didn’t feel strongly enough for her? I suggest making your intentions and thoughts clear, since this contributes to a healthy communication system. If she is fully aware and is still giving you the cold shoulder, then you should start on NC to give her some space to cool off and let go of any negative emotions she feels towards you.

Jon doe
Jon doe

I think that she thought I honestly did not care enough… I mean she barely makes enough to get by and I did soo much for her besides physically paying her bills. She is a strong independent women and I know I shouldn’t try and change who she is I just don’t wanna see her struggle, and when she never followed through on anything to help herself I just thought would she eventually drag me down.. But our communication was 0. And toward the end I felt her distancing herself she even told me so because she thought I would just leave one day… But I’m loyal. I just want her to know that I would commit fully if she just maybe showed me something… But she said she wanted some space so I thought I should give it too her, maybe this weekend text her , cause I do have a few things at her place I will want back if I don’t see her again (no not gifts ha)… I also don’t want to hurt her because she has been hurt in the past and she is an awesome perso!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s good to hear. It sounds like a good plan to schedule that meet up to at least pick your stuff up, and perhaps have the opportunity to express yourself once more, and to see if both parties can finally communicate their thoughts properly in order to work something out. If not, NC would probably be your next best solution short of walking away from everything.

Jon doe
Jon doe

Well I don’t think the no contact worked in this one because she said she ran in to her ex… But my persistence actually paid off,and showed I did care…. Maybe tmi but I think I got her back but not 100%sure yet… But we did just do it 3 times today?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s great to hear. Now continue to build up a positive relationship with her, and do not let any negative emotions or insecurities get in the way of your actions.

Osiris
Osiris

Me and my ex were in a short relationship of 3 months. I’m still confused if a month of no contact is the way to go, or should it be shorter?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

For your case, since the relationship was not for a long period, you could reduce NC to around 2 weeks before contacting your ex again.

Breezy s
Breezy s

Want to talk with you personally is it possible…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

We do provide personal one-to-one coaching with Kevin at a subscription rate if you’re interested.

Benji
Benji

I cheated on my ex girlfriend a dee months ago and weve been in moderate contact ever since. Shes started to date this guy but I just started to not contact her yesterday. Since then ive asked her to stop contacting me but shes now telling me she is going to kill herself because of how she has no real friends and how she knows her new boyfriend will cheat on her and how she misses me a lot but she says she will feel wrong if she hangs out with me or something and she is complaining about how horrible her life is right now and how she lnows im the only one that can make her feel better. She’s trying to get me to admit I l love her but im trying to stay firm and not give into her. She said shes about to block me because she is going to kill herself because she thinks I don’t care about her anymore from trying to avoid talking to her. Im not sure what to do she thinks I don’t care about her anymore and I want her gone

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I’m not entirely certain on what you’re asking advice for. Is your intention towards winning her back or that you don’t want anything to do with her?

Jesse
Jesse

Is it possible to get back with an ex who’s been with her bf for almost a year? I have her on Snapchat but the only communication we have is saying good morning to each other and the occasional conversation. She broke up with me in October of 2016 and I don’t know why I’m still not over her and I hate myself for it. I’m still working on myself but I just want to know what to do for when the time is right. Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If the time comes, and she breaks up with her boyfriend, perhaps start by building up a closer friendship with her again, by regaining her trust and comfort, before attempting to move on with anything. However, remember to take things slow or you may end up being the rebound for her breakup instead.

Johnny
Johnny

I’d like to thank you guys on this article, it’s helped me a lot during my grieving stage. I’m writing on here asking for any advice you may have. My ex broke up with me about a month ago, we’ve been in a relationship for almost 4 years. We have been living together for almost 3 of them. The reason why she wanted to leave me is because she wasn’t feeling loved. I work out of town for part of the month, but lately I had to work extra causing me to miss precious time with her. We broke up on good terms, but since we were living together she packed a few things and is staying with her male friends house. I’m assuming he’s just a rebound, as they met about 2 months before our breakup. We still talk to each other on a daily note. At first I was begging her to come back, but after this article I’ve stopped doing so and giving her some space by not replying as quickly anymore. My real question is, do I have to implement the NC even though we are on good speaking terms and i’ve stopped asking (begging) her to come back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

NC is also meant to create some distance from her, and to either give her the opportunity to miss you, or for you to create some positive changes in your life so that she takes notice and becomes interested in you once more. Since she might be going through a rebound now, it’s best to let her sort it out because your interference might cause her to become more adamant to try and make things work with the rebound.

jon
jon

Hey, thanks for the article and the tips!

My ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago and I have been doing no contact for 27 days. We were in a 3.5-4 year long relationship. At first I naturally made the common mistakes mentioned in Stage 1 of this article (begging, pleading, denial etc). We still chatted for a few weeks after the break-up where she was still telling me about her day, whether it was bad, etc. Rather normal conversation. But eventually I told her that I needed some time to myself, to process the break up and so we could still try to be friends down the line. This went down well and we ended on good terms. We both agreed that there is still mutual love and respect for each other and we care for each other dearly, and what we have is special.

After 27 days of NC I think I have realised that she is worth getting back. I have been working on myself and enjoying life BUT I still find myself missing her a lot. There is still pain and some disbelief and grief which is worse on some days but better on others. I realise that I will probably need more time in no contact before communicating with her (as we were in a long, meaningful relationship), but how much no contact would be too long? We are both busy with finishing uni, and I feel contacting her would be best when we are less busy… but if I leave contacting her till semester is finished, it would be 90 days of no contact. Would that be too long? Or should i aim for slightly less (e.g. 60-75 days of NC?). What are your thoughts on how long I should do NC and my chances in general?

Thanks!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since the relationship did not end on a terrible note, your chances are definitely good as long as the issues that led to the breakup are resolved. NC tends to extend beyond a month or two when the relationship ended on a bad note and one party still requires more time to recover. In your case, too much NC may actually backfire as it may lead to your ex moving on in the meantime. I would suggest taking things slow during this period but perhaps contact her to restart a level of friendship first. If you’d like to continue on with NC, I would recommend another month more at most before initiating some form of contact with her.

Justin
Justin

First of all, I’d like to thank you guys for all of your help. After my girlfriend and I broke up I thought there was no hope. But after I read your articles I employed no contact and in 3 weeks she started trying to talk to me again. Her friend who I talked to had no idea why my ex was acting like this but told me that she had been really upset lately. The next day she texted me and just flat out told me that she really missed me and wanted things to go back to the way they were between us. After 5 days of pleasant conversation she already suggested several meetups. Your strategies really worked for me. I was a little skeptical before, but I’ll admit that I was wrong. You really did the impossible. Thank you

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s great to hear! We hope your journey would continue being pleasant and things end happily for you!

Kyle
Kyle

Hey, I’ve been reading this article and it’s helping me calm down. The thing is the no contact thing is where I have a problem. Me and my girlfriend have been together for about a year and a half now and she would always say how she would never stop loving me and how we were gonna have a future together. Well just recently she told me she doesn’t love me anymore and it’s actually because lately she has been really busy and hasn’t had much time to talk to me. So since that happened she figured she could do that for life, not talking to me at all. She said she still has some feelings for me but it’s not as strong as it used to be. My fear is that if I do no contact she’ll just continue to live life without me and never wanting me back, maybe even forgetting about me altogether. What should I do about this? I really do think the world of her and I definitely think she’s worth the time and effort.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Distance might not be the issue here, but rather serving as a distraction from an aspect of the relationship she may not have been happy about. This may have led her to feel that not being with you or talking to you would be okay since she could survive during her busy periods doing so. Try finding out what it was that she might not have been satisfied with in the relationship and figure out if it’s something that can be worked on to make her want to spend more time with you.

MattJC
MattJC
My ex and I had a very good relationship, but we are both very different people as she is introverted and I am extroverted. We are in a Master’s class together and it is a cohort, so we see each other once a week in class, every other week is in person with the other classes being online. We were together for about 11 months. At around the 10 month mark, she was upset that I was still talking about living and teaching abroad, she originally said she wanted to go with me, but had since changed her mind and wants to stay in the USA. She asked for a one week break and told me that I needed to think about what I really wanted. I was really upset, but thought about it and texted her the next day that I did not need a week to figure out that she meant more to me than living abroad. She called me about an hour later, crying, saying that she was an emotional wreck and that she did not want to lose me. She came over and we patched things up, or at least I thought we did. Things were great for about two weeks, but then because we didn’t get to the bottom of what was really happening in our relationship, history repeated itself. She was still not confident that I wanted to be with her. We went on a weekend vacation together and she was starting to get upset at me for little things. On the ride home, she was saying that she was at the point in her life where she wanted to settle down. I don’t remember what I said, but I am sure it was less than satisfactory as I was still having trouble letting go of my dream of living and working abroad. Another week or so later, our next class starts and the teacher asks what our dream job is, I stupidly, of course, mention living abroad, which really upset my lady. She voiced concern again after class. Then the next day, I was at her place and she was acting very distant and cold. Things ended up being better later that evening, but the next morning she sat up on her bed and started crying, saying that the past two months have been really difficult for her. She asked me if I really wanted to be with someone that didn’t like the same TV shows as her or music. I told her we indeed liked the same shows and music, I listed a few off and she said that I was lying because I had suffered through them (I was not lying… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s not just about you wanting to travel but it seems that you’re at the stage in life where you still want to explore the world and expose yourself to new experiences (which is not wrong), but she is at the stage where she wants security and stability, which is something you subconsciously fail to do because of your differences. I would suggest figuring out what it is you ultimately value more at this stage and be honest with yourself.

MattJC
MattJC

I have been doing a lot of thinking and meditating over the past two weeks. I realized that you are absolutely correct when you say that I subconsciously failed to give her the security and stability that she desired. I know that I want to be with her. There are other opportunities to explore the world. I am currently trying my best not to contact her, I am six days in and trying to focus on bettering myself. Thank you for your support with helping myself and everyone else on this site getting through these difficult times.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

All the best Matt. We hope that things work out well for you.

Paul
Paul

So I’ve been in a relationship now for almost 4 years , we had slowly been loosing the spark , sitting on our phones not engaging in convo , she’d go to bed early and I’d sit up a little longer before then going to bed myself . I knew we had to do something , but the convo would turn into an argument if we spoke about it , then she told
Me that was it she didn’t feel the same , we’d grown apart , at first I agreed because I felt the same but thinking about it , I was still
Trying and she seemed to give up . I moved out two weeks ago and I’ve been a mess , she’s been totally fine and says she’s happier without all of our arguments , the arguments I never wanted . I am now going to try the step by step guide because I love this girl with every bone in my body , I just feel she’s given up and is too stubborn for her own good . We have been texting almost everyday within these two weeks but I feel I’m annoying her , which I don’t want to do as I still want her back , which brought me to this website I’m now going to try the step by step guide .

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, do follow our guide and the 5 main steps within in on getting her back. You can refer to our other articles for more help and information regarding each step.

Paul
Paul

Hi , thanks for the reply ! I’ve been feeling better about myself the past 2 days , I implemented NC and got the text she understood , although last night I received 10 calls and 7 texts asking me if I was okay , demanding I answered or she couldn’t sleep and would go on to contact my friend , I broke the rule just to say the same thing again , I then received texts to make me feel bad . ‘I would never do that to you even if I was trying to get back to normal life ‘ When actually she did , last week when I was in the denial/grief and needy stage she wrote back eventually but mostly left me in the dark . It’s this tit for tat thing , I don’t know if she’s thinking I’m not talking to her just to get back at her for doing the same to me , she can’t brake up with me then expect to still demand me to talk to her when it suites her no ? I really do love this girl and want to conversate with her but feel we need to change and don’t want to be walked all over and made to look easy/foolish/ weak

MattJC
MattJC

Stay strong, Paul. I am going through a similar thing, only I wish that my ex would text me, even if she was angry. I have made it to 6 days without NC and feeling very anxious, but that anxiousness is decreasing with every day that passes.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

People instinctively tend to have double standards when they first do something that suits their whim, but dislike it when others do the same. Her angst will pass once she cools off, and you just have to continue doing what you’ve set out to do.

Jean Paul
Jean Paul

Hi, so I kinda broke up a while back and we still loved each other. But a few days ago I asked her to get back with me and she said no. So thats when I started to feel the pain. 2 days of griefing later I started the NC period. On the 1st day itself she called me twice in the morning and i didnt answer. Later i told her I need space and time to heal and then she sent a voice note where she was crying and saying she misses me. But i Just told her after I heal and improve we should talk. The next day she kept replying to some of my whatsapp statuses but I did not answer. And today she just told me that she misses me again. What should I be doing to get her back? How long should I do NC for?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on how long you were together for. Ideally it would be 1 month from NC begins, shorter if the relationship length was only a short period. She may have said no back then to getting back together because she was upset or still confused, but the fact that she misses you and is constantly trying to talk to you, could mean that she can’t control her emotions very well and may even want you back.

Jean Paul
Jean Paul

So we were together for 1 year and 4 months. Im also the first guy she ever went to third base with. After no contact should I take it slow or go for physical contact on the date itself? Should I keep doing NC even If I already stopped griefing? The thing is NC is being extremely hard for me cause we used to talk everyday from waking up to sleeping. When I stopped talking to her a lot she said that I took her for granted and left me. Some more advice please?

Jean Paul
Jean Paul

She also keeps telling me to come meet her. She even told me that she’s home alone and that I could come over, I replied to her today, I dont know if its a mistake, but I badly need advice.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Continue with NC for the time being, and when you do initiate to meet up, do not jump right into physical contact until at least some familiarity has built up and she is comfortable with you. Avoid jumping any steps or taking shortcuts because you never know how she might be feeling towards you.

Jean Paul
Jean Paul

I messed up and asked her out too soon. Will using no contact again but this time for 30 days work?

Jake
Jake

What do I when the end of NC is on April 1st

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Follow our main guide for steps to follow, and you could also refer to this article on what to do after NC.

Jay
Jay

Dear Kevin,

Well written article and I really see what you are talking about. But I npticed that you skipped a part, what if she doesn’t write after the elefant in the room letter, what to do next? Shall there be a new letter or just let go?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would be best to continue with NC for another week or 2 before trying once more. If she still does not reply, it might be a better idea to consider moving on instead.

Omar
Omar

I also have another question. I know I should’ve followed the NC rule but a few days ago, I messaged my ex saying that for her to know that I still care about her and I too have a special place for her in my heart. I promised her that if she needs us to talk, if she needs me, I’ll be there. Mind you, we still have each other on Facebook and Snapchat. A few nights later, she posted on her story about a funny picture talking about going out on a Friday night for some beers because love is hard or sucks (it was in spanish so I tried my best to explain it in English) in which she captioned the picture by saying that it doesn’t sound too bad only the fact that she doesn’t really go out much. So after that snap, she posted what appears to be her way of showing sadness by using sad bitmojis with one eating ice cream and in tears and the other at a bar looking sad and the caption said that she’s calling it a night with the sleeping emoji and one of the sad emojis. So me wanting to be a good person with a good heart, I messaged her asking if she’s okay to which she didn’t respond back. What say you?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If the connection is truly a deep and meaningful one, it’s unlikely that she would walk away from the relationship so easily. Perhaps she might just have been busy or did not see your message, or that she isn’t ready to talk about it. Don’t read too much into her not replying you, and continue with NC if possible.

Mario
Mario
Hi, I am a 30+ year old that recently moved to a foreign country for a job and been going out with girls for 1 year now since I broke up with my long-term girlfriend (break up due to long distance relationship). A few months ago had a date with a girl which turn out to be on of the best dates ever…very intellectual and with a final huge discussion that brought us together. Since then we grow fond of each other and kept in touch for a couple of months (we had travel vacations and other appointments so no 2nd date for a while). Later we had a 2nd date which was amazing. 3rd date came,learn more about each other…few days later we were dating each other… holidays came 2 days after, and each one came back to their home cities/ country. After 2 weeks vacations constantly texting each other, we get back to where we lived and continued dating. The 1st week was very challenging since we didn’t know each other that well and we are from different cultures (western and middle/eastern Europe), but always talked about everything and it all went really good and felt so right…has a couple we had soooo much in common! After 3 more weeks of constantly dating each other and already growing very fond to each other, she had to go to another country (not far from here) for a 1/2 year internship. Before she went I told her I wanted to still be with her and that emotioned her deeply. We kept in touch for a while (and in love) but after 3 weeks, other by fear or anger of the older failed relationship, I try something different (on facetime) which she didn’t appreciate…of course we had a huge fight and basically haven’t spoken much since then. After a week we talked a bit by skype and basically ended the relationship. She told me then she felt she didn’t know me and she didn’t like one thing about me which I responded that we dont know each other that well for her to know if I am like this or that… after a while, I figure out that it was true since I never open myself to her much because I knew she was going away. We still texted a few times just sending a song or just saying few words like we liked very much what we had. It always felted right when I was with her (1st time I ever felted that and really strong) and she previously confessed that to me 1st. I know now that my mistake was never open much to her which didn´t allow her… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since the relationship period was not very long, it would be okay to end NC after 2-3 weeks. Check in on how she’s doing and perhaps try to restart a casual friendship first, and see how she responds to things.

Mario
Mario

Hi,

Thank you very much for the reply and your work.
Already sent her an message but it has been almost 2 days with no answer…want to text her again. Should I do that? It feels like it meant nothing for her…and it is not an adult attitude not to answer at all.

Mario
Mario

Quick Update, just received an answer…a little too “cold”…She just said happy easter to you too, that everything is fine and hope I am too. No space here to answer back I guess… 🙁
Any suggestions?
Never told her the stuff you talk about on stage 3…should I do that at any point?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could go with that, or perhaps it might be too soon to be initiating contact with her, as she still harbors some form of negative emotions towards you. Perhaps try initiating conversation with her once more but with a topic that can be prolonged on her end instead.

Mario
Mario

Hi,
Thank you for your time and reply.
I texted her to try to prolonge conversation but it has been more then 2 days… I feel she is over me and there’s nothing I can do ( she is a very independent woman, very pratical, and fixed on her ideas). Never wrote her the stuff you mention on part 3, and I am sure it is too late or worst if I do it. Maybe it is time to move on, eventought I had never experienced nothing like this relationship that felt sooo right…so special… It has been almost 2 months since the breakup and eventough I’ve already been with other women, still miss her…
What are your thoughts?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Apply NC for another week or two and try to start conversation with her one more time. If she still does not respond positively or show interest, perhaps you’re right to think that it may be time to consider moving on instead.

Omar
Omar

Hello, there. My name is Omar. I’m 25. Just a few days ago, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me due to fights, a slight misunderstanding on both sides, and life. She made it very clear that I shouldn’t try to change her mind because she won’t change it however we were together for 2 months and now some of my friends and my family couldn’t believe we are no longer together. However, my mother is the only one that’s actually pushing me to fight for her instead of just giving in all because she said she won’t change her mind. She also believes that after thinking about this, that she will call me. Is it still possible that I could get my ex-girlfriend and keep forever? I do miss her and yes, I am a man of acceptance and respect, I’m also a man that refuses to give up until I ultimately have to. Please right me back and help me get my girl back.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you really love her, it might be worth a shot to try and chase her back. Understand what went wrong and why the fights happened and convince her in your way that things would change. Keep in mind as 2 months is not a long time, it might be easier for her to walk away and move on, so there’s no guarantee that you’ll get her back, but it’s still worth a shot. I don’t recommend you do the full NC period of 30 days but perhaps give her a week of space for now, before contacting her again.

Omar
Omar

Oh okay I get you. And another thing and maybe you might see it the same way in terms of the length of the relationship but last year I want to say in August, that was when we both started talking and since we both had busy schedules, we took it by day, week, and month. We both understood that we both have school and work and so we both put in the effort to take things slow and go from there. She opened up about her past relationship of 5 years but she told me that when we went out on a date for the first time, that was her “official” first date because according to her, her previous ex before me wasn’t really the boyfriend type. She also claims that when it came that I would introduce her to my folks, that would be the first time for her that she would meet her boyfriend’s parents in a formal manner compared to how her ex conducting the “introduction” of her to his parents. She said that it was a party and they both ran into his mother and was like, “Oh and mom this so and so.” Having said all of that, we spent months working hard to finally become official which we did in January. Her family welcomed me with open arms and her older brother once said to me that I’ve done a lot more for her than what her ex did for her in the five years they were together. So my question is, would it still be easy for to walk away after having that much of a deep connection? What say you?

Sebastian
Sebastian

I was seeing this girl for about 5 months. Everything was going great until the last couple of weeks. I started to notice she was a little bit distant from me but every time we hung out it was perfect. Then at her house she dropped the bombshell on me saying even though she was falling in love with me she’s been unhappy recently. The reason is because she started to ignore this feeling of how she needs someone more adventurous like her ( I’m a bit on the reserve side compared to her). Honestly she couldn’t explain it very well and she admitted she couldn’t but she said she can’t go on like this. We ended up watching a movie together one last time and said our goodbyes. She stated she still wants to remain friends with me ( this is a first for her since she is very adamant in not having any sort of relationship post breakup with her exes.) I decided to go NC with her since I know it’s important after a breakup but after three days SHE texts me asking me how I’m doing. We keep the convo small and continue our txt relationship as it was before ( sending memes and videos). We only said once that we miss each other but other than that it’s been superficial. Lately she hasn’t been texting me as much and I’m freaking out. I continue to go NC but it is hard. We actually are going to a concert in mid April since we bought the tickets back in January and she still wants to go which I guess it’s a good thing. I feel like her feeling of insecurity just made her confused and I know we still have a lot more to offer each other. How should I approach going forward?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest that you complete NC first, and set the concert as the date where you re-initiate contact once more with her. This is the time to pick yourself up and make some positive changes to your life in order to capture her interests once more when you see her again.

Sebastian
Sebastian

Thank you. I will listen to your advice. One more thing. On the night of the breakup, I asked her if there is a possibility of us getting back together in the future. She stated there wasn’t one ( she is also very adamant in not getting back with her exes, however she did get back with one ex, thinking he had changed for whatever reason, but ended it after the ex revealed he just wanted a physical relationship). She also told me that I was the best guy she ever dated because besides treating her with respect and showing her love and affection none of her exes showed her I also have my life together in terms of having a career, wanting more in life, and having a good head on my shoulders. Regardless if I follow your plan fully, should I even get my hopes up of a reconciliation if she told me there is no chance of us getting back together?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Most exes would probably say that there is no chance of getting back because that is what they feel in the moment, but fail to take into consideration the emotional aspect of themselves and how sometimes it can’t be controlled. You shouldn’t get your hopes up because you may start to develop expectations, but just carry out the plan with the intention of becoming a better person in general.

Sebastian
Sebastian

The concert is coming up in a couple of days and I want to get some advice. I’ve done my best in becoming a better person and I also have been analyzing what went wrong in the relationship and how it can improve if a second chance is presented. I’ve also been doing the NC pretty well, but most of the time she sends me memes or whatever but I’d usually end the convo and continue NC until she texts me again. Once we meet up for the concert should I ask her if she has been seeing someone? How can I tell if she’s feeling me like before or just as a friend? And also do you have any other suggestions on staying out of the friend zone? I feel this will be my best shot at trying to get the ball rolling again.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since you’re currently still in the NC period, there isn’t a way of telling if she sees you as a friend or not unless she sends you text messages saying she misses you. At the concert, I suggest that you avoid talking about such personal topics until you formally end NC, and have properly re-initiated contact with her again. One way people get into the friendzone in the first place is when they become too predictable and boring, so do the opposite to create a level of mystery which may generate interest from her.

Sebastian
Sebastian

I went to the concert with my ex. I went in with low expectations but it actually went better than what I expected. Before the show started we were having some beers and catching up with our lives since we last saw each other. I mentioned how I have improved since our time apart but not all at once so she wouldn’t think it was an act. I noticed how she kept touching my arm at times and it wasn’t until the intermission of the show where things got more touchy between us. I started using Kino where I would hold her hand as we walked through the crowd or brush her hair across her face and continued brushing her hair. There was a point where she was in front of me and I gently put my hand on her waist and tapping my hand on her thigh to beat of the music and she didn’t mind at all. The best part was when she thanked me for taking her to concert and she kissed me on the cheek. But it wasn’t just a small peck but more of a sensual kiss that caught me off guard. Overall I feel the night was successful even when we said our goodbyes she suggested we should hangout again.

Now I don’t want to get my hopes up but I still want to continue with the plan. My question is how long I should wait to ask her out again? ( I am flying out of the state next weekend and so is she next month). And how long should I wait before I make a move on starting over again? I do prefer taking things slow and getting to know her more on a deeper, emotional level.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since you already know that you shouldn’t rush into things, the best I can suggest it to go at a pace you’re personally comfortable with. It could either be before you leave, or even when you come back.

Sebastian
Sebastian

We went on a second “date” the other day. Long story short I felt she was sending mixed signals. We talked briefly about our past relationship where we mentioned our fav thing about each other personality wise. She thanked me for giving her space. I pretty sure she knows I still have feelings for her but I feel she is being more guarded about her feelings and doesn’t want together hurt again. Two things I would like to get your advice on: 1) she told me she’s going to a play and to Chicago with a male friend. When I asked who it was, she told me it’s someone I don’t know. Why would she reply with that answer, even though she has told me name of friends she has hung out before ( personally I don’t believe she is seeing someone, seeing as how it’s too soon for her to be doing something that fast with someone). 2) How do I explain to her I want yo take things slow with her?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If she’s sending mixed signals and doesn’t want to share the name of the friend she’s going with, it could be that she’s subconsciously still worried and unsure on how you’d react to the situation. To answer your second question, if she’s currently guarded against you on her emotions, your best shot is probably to show her with actions rather than trying to explain it with words because she might react negatively towards that.

Sebastian
Sebastian

Will you be able to explain what exactly do you mean by showing actions instead of words?

Sebastian
Sebastian

So I decided that I’m going to tell her that I need space from her right now because I feel I didn’t get the closure I should have received from the beginning and she keeps sending me mixed signals. I’m going to cut her off completely until I’m ready to talk to her again. Should I keep it short in telling her I need space or go into more detail? Seeing as how I’m now going to go complete NC, does this lower my chances of getting her back because we kept a casual friendship right after we ended when she was feeling more vulnerable than she is now?

R.P
R.P

Thank you for the advice. I wish I had read this article 3 months ago. We were both married (she is still with her husband) I left my wife 6 months ago. There was a trust issue as I had lied to her about 12 months ago. I thought it was all resolved, but there was doubt from her side. I made all the mistakes in stage 1, an ended up stalking her one morning and got caught. We spoke a couple of times and texted a little after this incident. She has said she wants to be left alone to heal and recover. I have respected that. No contact has been in place for just over 3 weeks and I’ve decided to leave NC in place for at least another month. I saw her last week driving her car, she beeped the horn, I waved, so I think it’s working It’s so hard (we had been together for 2.5 years) but I’m now feeling really good about life and getting out and enjoying it.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s good to hear. Ultimately, NC isn’t just meant to give your ex space but more importantly you as well, in order to gain a new perspective and make positive changes to your life.

John
John

Hey, so I had this relationship with a girl for close to a year. We broke up a month and a half ago. It was because I was stupid I cheated, lied and kept everything from her. The first couple of weeks she would hit me up and try and talk to me and we would say we miss each other. Two days ago, her friend told me that I need to move on and that shes ready to move on out of nowhere. She told me she still loves me to the point where she cares about me, that she misses me as a best friend, but does not think about me as a boyfriend anymore. Then she let me know that she had been starting to hang out with someone and went on a couple dates. I kind of panicked and stuff, but ended the conversation with a genuine note saying im happy how everything is going that i handled it immaturely earlier, that im there for her if she needs me. I kind of want her back cuz I love her so much, and starting the past two days I have applied the no contact rule. How is my progress and what should i do in the future.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You did well not to end the note on an ugly one where most people may end up begging or using emotional blackmail. Continue with NC for now to give yourself some breathing room to pick yourself up. Consider the idea of being her friend for now and regaining her trust from there, and see if it’s something you can handle emotionally.

Jason
Jason

Thanks for the advice but I need more help. Im 14 years old and my girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. I want her back. She said the reasons that she ended it was because “things were getting weird between us”, and “We weren’t talking as much and weren’t hanging out as much”I will try to do the no contact thing but I don’t think it will help much. I did make the mistake of telling her how much I loved her over text too much which may have been another reason she didn’t like me. But all the things I said were for real and I meant them. But I need more help. She said she wants to be friends but i want more. She also ended it on text which is rude considering we were dating for almost 5 months. I havn’t seen here in person since the day before she broke up with me so I need help on how to get her back. Someone help me please and respond I will greatly appreciate it.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest trying to have a talk with her regarding this and to see if she is willing to work things out. You’ll also have to figure out what her commitment level to you was, and how serious she was about you. If she was only exploring her feelings, but you’ve started to overly express yourself, it could cause her to feel worried and even back away from the entire thing.

Jamie
Jamie

Hi, on stage 3 step one getting your ex to speak to your normally, I’ve just sent a letter to my ex following guidelines here but I’m wondering, what are the steps to follow if you get no response? Or a negative response? Been looking so I am prepared but can’t seem to find the informatiion. Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If there’s no response, the best thing to do is to re-apply no contact for another week or two and try again. Should you still get no response then, it might be time to consider moving on instead since you’ve given it a shot but your ex is still unwilling to talk to you or entertain you.

Jamie
Jamie

Ok thanks, seeing as the main goal of sending the elephant in the room letter is a clean slate sort of thing, and a response isn’t actually the main aim, I shouldn’t let the no response effect me to much should i? The letter I sent was following the steps outlined, just letting her know I understand why, accept it and have been working on myself, those problems and ending with some things I’ve been up to and saying is love to tell her about it all sometime.
When I do attempt contact after the week or 2 after sending the letter, I’ll do it by text, but what could I say? I don’t want to say anything that doesn’t warrant a response (I.e “hey, what’s up” etc..) Trying to find an article on this on the website. Thanks so much.

Robert
Robert

My X broke up with me 3 months ago. I took her for granted, showed her little respect and was constantly out most nights of the week partying and doing drugs. I have been pestering her a little too much asking her to come back but have now made significant changes and got help through counselling. I know she still loves me but feels I am manipulative and controlling (which I was) what can I do to get her back at this stage? Help!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Give her some space and continue to work on your issues for the time being. Make slow initial steps to contact her and if she responds negatively, repeat the process again without pushing her too much or getting too upset, as you want to show her that you’re no longer manipulative and that the ball is in her court to respond to you when she is ready.

Avish gupta
Avish gupta

I dated this girl for 10 months before having a succesful freindship of 3 years. At first place she was concernd for future and wanted a break for sometime saying i need time just trust me i will be back to you i love you no doubt i tried to convienc her to keep me with you in every situation she also said no one will take your place ever no one will love me the way you did an less then that is not acceptable to me but the more i tried to convience her the more she got irriated and 2 days later started saying i don’t love you anymore from the last fight i lost love for you i still tried to convience her and she got more mad and 3 days later said i have boyfreind !
When i told our mutual freind about this they talkd to her and she said i need time and until i message him (me) first and i(me) need to focus on my career ! I am blockd what should i do we both loved each other a alot it all went in just 7 days I want her back !
She is enjoying her life bought a dress talking to everybody and following my besties and family memebers !

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps give her some space for now as you might have pushed her away by trying to convince her to get back together with you. Work on yourself and allow her to initiate contact first since that’s what she wanted, and in the meantime focus on your career.

Shane
Shane

I’m on day 2 reading this.. but i started the NC 3days ago……but my mom is contacting her .. is it necessary ?
Anyways my ex wanted to be friends with me after the breakup,we are ok but it hurts to be friends with your ex and she’s going out wth other friends..she’s back with her family now in diffrent state, and she said that she’s not coming back here and her family dosn’t want her here, my hopes is gone really, she said that she loved some1 else , we don’t see each other for 1week and we kept arguing for 1week and she had a bf the nxt week.. she dosn’t chat or text me that much anymore, i noticed somthings wrong.. then i found out about this other guy about 3days after she got a new bf..i went crazy, i cried she said it’s too late…..i think i pushed her far away from me, this guy is in a diff. Country , she said that they’re going to live wth each other .. she said to my friends that she’ll let them meet her new bf.. i was shocked , i was hurt..For 1year and 4months she left me just like that . She said to fix myself, she dosn’t need my love anymore, and to give it to somebody else. I can’t bare to hear that from her.. i just can’t . She said that i ruind her life but it’s her dicission to make not mine , she kept blaming evrything to me..but i still blame myself from losing her, i think i have a little chance . I have hopes but when i keep thinking about it i just lose hope..

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be entirely honest, you might be better off in moving on and letting go of her. Based on what you’re saying, there’s simply too much piled up against you and although there’s a slight chance still, you’ll have to ask yourself whether it’s worth it in the first place to take that chance and go through what is potentially a lot of hurt in the process.

John Smith
John Smith

My girlfriend broke up with me last week. We had been together for a year and a half and were pretty much living together with plans to have her move in all the way and also had a dog together. She told me I was an amazing man that I sacrificed so much for her and it wasn’t fair because she hasn’t sacrificed as much for me. She told me that she loved me very much and that she still wanted me. She also told me that she might be making a huge mistake by breaking up and that she free loaded off of me for a year. I told her that she was not freeloading off of me and that she had made lots of sacrifices as well. She said I deserved somebody a lot better than her. She said she has been unsure about us for a couple weeks, but never communicated that with me. I took her on a business trip with me the week before we broke up. I wasn’t the nicest person the whole time because of stress about my work. The week before the trip she told me that she wanted to give my parents there first grandchild. Then after the trip she breaks up with me. I helped her pack all of her belongings from my house and we talked and laughed and we told each other that we still love each other very much. I found out that day that she hasn’t been taking her mood stabilizer for quite a while and she was going to see her therapist. During the relationship I had some confidence issues I know she didn’t like but I was working on them and she was helping me. She told me she would always love me and care for me and if I needed any thing I could always call her. We are going to share custody of the dog. I haven’t made contact for 6 days I am going to wait until after her therapist appointment to see if I can visit or see the dog. What should I say to her to get her back. I have read your articles and they helped me a lot. I just want your opinion on my unique situiation.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems that her mood/therapist issues might have been the cause for her erratic change in choice from wanting to have kids with you, to suddenly breaking up. I suggest that you have an honest conversation regarding this, and whether the cause for her feeling this way is because she hasn’t been taking her mood stabilizers as you mentioned.

John Smith
John Smith

Thank you for your reply. I’m going to try and see our dog this coming week should I use that time to have a conversation about us or should I not being it up yet. She has been putting Snapchat stories out with her smiling and looking really happy I have only viewed one and was wondering how should I handle that?

Stephanie Nikole Sparks
Stephanie Nikole Sparks

Dear Kevin,I feel like I have a special case here. I’ve read and re-read through so many of your articles. And they are great! I’m just having trouble finding what to implement. Ill explain. My ex and I were together for 2 years. We have been split for a little over a year. The initial breakup sucked. So bad. We both did the running back to each other on random nights thing. Had some drunk makeout sessions. He invited me back to his place but he said he just wanted to have me there physically. When I wanted more. Yet the looks he was giving me all night long and the way he was acting and kissing me, was not that of someone who was over me. Well thats when I decided to implement the no contact. Because I didnt want to just be his one night thing. Then I came out to him. I told him I was a lesbian. (Im not, Im bisexual.) We met up for lunch a few times after that and tried to be friends but I messed that up. The girl I was into at the time didnt want me talking to him. So I didnt. For about 6 months. Well I went to a bar, listened to a band and got drunk. I couldnt drive home but I knew he worked at the bar down the block. So I went in search of him and found him. I was plastered. I was angry at him and hurt. I said a lot of hurtful things. After that night I did no contact for 8 months roughly. I recently contacted him in a state of depression (i know, stupid) about my current situation/girlfriend. And I have now figured out that I have been in a rebound relationship for a year. I was lonely. Very lonely. And everything happened so fast and now i look back and its been hard as hell and its been a year! Now Im realizing me and her have so little in common. It causes us to argue a lot. So my question is. Once I break up with my current partner and take the necessary time. Oh also, my ex is moving away to Florida in about 2-3 weeks. And Im nervous about that. But, I will not and do not want to stop him. Because he deserves happiness. On every level. And I think it could make him happy. But I also want to be apart of that happiness. I see a future with him. I always have. And I always will. No doubts in my mind. So.. what do I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he’s moving away for personal reasons, you should not stop him since you have not been a part of his life for the last 8 months and suddenly holding him back might seem like a selfish thing to do. The time taken to process and fully deal with the current break up might result in him already moving by then, to which you could probably give him a personal farewell, and stay in touch while he’s there, slowly building up a bond once again.

Stephanie Nikole Sparks
Stephanie Nikole Sparks

I definitely am not going to hold him back. He deserves happiness. But I do plan on seeing him off though with a lunch. Im not confused about that part. The part Im confused on is do I keep talking to him? Because weve been talking for the past 3 weeks now. And I havent known what to do because ive been figuring things out with my current relationship, so i just havent messaged him back. Hes texted me for the past 2 days… should i tell him whats going on with me currently or should i stay silent? Either way, im going to see him before he leaves because i want to. Oh also, he was the one that suggested we go to lunch.

Tristan
Tristan
Hey, bit of background first.. We were together for just over 6 months, both admitted what we had was different and we both said We loved eachother, the way we felt was different and better than previous relationships. We were both abit clingy and got a little jealous about others exes, things were abit complicated as her recent ex13 still had her number as to contact about animals they owned together.. we spent as much time as we could together (we work retail and have odd shifts) so when we could we would spend time together. Everything was great went on holiday together and having amazing relationship, talking about the future etc.. during the last month or so she talked about when we did meet up it was always same stuff and talking was similar, made attempts at spicing things up, I now realise I was in a bit of a depressed state due to my health not letting me go gym, and I stopped seeing friends and doing my hobbies, I didn’t realise at the time I was shutting myself away from most people. Then a month and a half ago we broke up, over phone.. she didn’t sound sure of it on the phone but it happened.. I begged and pleaded for the first day and then I stopped. I asked about giving her some space and then 5 days later I messaged and got negative reaction. I started NC and then 2 weeks later she messaged and we met up to swap stuff over. When she messaged I took my time to answer and she answered in the same minutes I replied, she was waiting with hee phone. When we met i was confident, happy, smiling, not letting her know how much it hurt. I am still in NC but I have been working on myself during this time, I know what went wrong during our relationship and have been working on it. Stopping my neediness, clingy behaviour, seeing my friends doing my hobbies like I wanted to, working on myself and getting a positive attitude and improving my mindset. I am going to follow the steps of the elephant in the room text, I am blocked on social media (some) but only removed on a couple others, don’t think my number is blocked, but I’m thinking of writing the letter form of the elephant in the room text. My questions are, is there a way yet to send a draft of the letter for pointers and improvements? And does it sound like a good idea? When we broke up she told me she does still love me, but doesn’t feel the same anymore, we agreed to… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could post your letter under our forum for feedback regarding the content. It definitely sounds like a good idea but perhaps wait until after NC is completed before sending the letter. It seems like communication is one of the key issues here, and it should be something addressed in the letter as well, since there was a clear difference in frequency regarding the issues between the two of you.

Tristan
Tristan

Thanks for your quick reply! I’m drafting a couple of letters up just to compare, I’ve mentioned what I realised was wrong in the relationship that contributed to her decision, the fact that I have and am continuing to work on those bad habits etc, the main ones are communication and neediness from insecurity, apologised for how I acted during the breakup and am including in the letter the fact I am a better version of myself and am doing the things I normally do and wanted to do (giving a little glimpse).
I have been in NC for a while now, it stopped for the day when she text me about swapping stuff and we met up, but then slipped right back into nc. Been a month now, how long should I stay in NC for? She is stubborn, but I don’t want to miss the stage where she will miss me and go straight to moving on and forgetting about me, I know timing is important.. if she responds to the letter, should I respond or do the full NC for 5 days or so? Or should I engage in conversation if positive and follow steps in this post? Thanks, Tristan.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If she responds to the letter, perhaps move towards light conversation if her response is positive, but only if you feel that enough time has passed since the breakup.

Tristan
Tristan

I’m sending the letter tomorrow, I’ve written drafts and then mulled over them just to make sure I’m happy with them, but a friend mentioned to me today “I wouldn’t send a letter as it is kind of weird as it’s sending it to her house” I don’t think it is but if he thinks that what should I do if she does think it’s weird and either responds negatively or doesn’t respond? I’ve followed the guidelines for writing the letter on this blog post so it’s not an apology letter or begging letter etc.. thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on the situation, and how your ex might view your actions (sweet or creepy). If you start to feel uncomfortable with sending a letter for fear that she thinks it’s weird, you could always send a text instead or an email.

Alexander
Alexander
Im in a messy situation and i need help. I’ll give you as short a story as possible, and hope you can help me. So me and my ex had been together for about a year, but things started to turn badly the last couple of months, and we would constantly fight. She had a hard time see things from my point of view, and i really believe i tried to the opposite to her. At one point the fights became so frequent, that i decided to break up with her. the first couple of days, she would constantly text and contact me, but soon accepted it after a couple of days, and asked us to be friends, and we did (she still sent hints that she wanted me back though). Soon after i realised that i still really loved her, and that i wanted to give it a last shot. So we came back together, and everything was great, but then the fighting started again and she wanted to take it slow, and i truly respected that. We had a great time after that, more or less. But then she got really drunk at a party, and cheated on me, and told me so.. In the beginning the shock really got to me. Anger, sadness, confusion. She wanted me back to begin with, and really truly was sorry. I said a lot of mean stuff, i really did not know how to handle the situation. 2 days after the cheating had been revealed, she stopped texting me, and we did not talk for two days and i could feel she had become annoyed and angry with me for keep writing to her previously, i then casually tried to start a normal conversation, and she answered pretty cold. Of course i got drunk that day, and she was out drinking too, so we met up. I begged her to give our relationship another chance, but she wouldn’t, and said it was best this way. That same night i sent her like 15 desperate messages, all of which she didn’t respond. The day after, i wrote really stupid things to her, which might have pushed her even further away. Later i wrote an apology for my behaviour since we broke up, and we decided not to contact each other for the time being. I really love her, and i am ready to forgive her, as i have been prone to neglecting her these last couple of months, and i deeply regret it, i realised i have to change for her, and i will. Should i just follow up with the no contact period, is there a chance for us? Sorry this… Read more »
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

At this point, you can’t look at things as you forgiving her and ready to give her another chance because she’s no longer chasing you or trying to make things up to you. Given how things have turned out regarding your actions in pushing her away, it might be a good idea to go into no contact right now to give her some space to let go of her negative view on you, and for you to pick yourself up from the recent events and work on a plan to win her back.

Jonathan
Jonathan

Hello,

My ex and I broke up on Monday and she used her daughter as the reason to finish it with me.
Her daughter spent the night with her ex for the first time on Friday night and this was painful for her. Over the weekend she didn’t want to see anyone else and do anything else apart from spend it with her daughter. She said if this happens more often she will just want to spend time with her and not me. The other week she said we had a future and she said she loved me on Monday just before she broke up with me.

What do I do? I have not contacted her since the break up and she hasn’t me. What is the best way to win her back (if any?)

Really good article by the way.

Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should prove to her that you’re supportive of her choice in wanting to be there for her daughter since her daughter would always come first. Show that you’re capable of that, and still be patient and loving to her in spite of her not spending as much time with you, and sooner or later she would open up to trusting you more and allowing you into her family.

Jonathan
Jonathan

Do I give her space? or what do I do?

Do I tell her we can work around anything she wants?

Jonathan
Jonathan

What do i do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Often times, a single parent dating again may have fears of committing themselves whenever a relationship gets too serious and some resort to finding excuses to push their partners away for fear of getting hurt. By proving that you’re not going to walk out of her life simply because she tells you to, it might cause her to rethink her decision of wanting to end things because you come across as someone dependable. It’s not about doing whatever she wants, but proving to her that you’re trustworthy and reliable. You could tell her to take whatever time she needs with her daughter but you really like her and would still be there for her. You could even send thoughtful messages now and then, asking about her daughter, etc.

Adi B
Adi B

I have a quick question, not entirely sure if you cover it anywhere on this site, but how do I avoid letting her “have her cake and eat it too”?

For example, she showered me with gifts on my bday and now it seems only fitting that i respond since her bday is literally one month later same day.

Atm i get the feeling that, like i said, I’m letting her have her cake and eat it too. I’m not too sure if i am using that correctly lol i hope you understand what i am trying to say. If i get her flowers and gifts to reciprocate, would that positively move her closer to bringing up getting back together?

I apologize if this is a stupid question.

We’ve been speaking for over a month after no contact and have gone out maybe 6 times. Sometimes i feel she wants to hint at getting back together but other times i feel she doesn’t want to.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could use her birthday to soften her up with meaningful gifts, and that would probably increase your chances, but based on what you’re saying – you seem to be doing fine even without that opportunity given that you’ve gone out with her a couple of times since NC. Just continue working on that and building up the level of comfort and bond you share with her.

Adi B
Adi B

At what point do I try telling her if we can take it slow again or something? I am worried I’ll end up in the friendzone and sooner or later she’ll meet someone else because I missed the chance. I mean sure she may be battling herself with getting back together and not but at what point will she believe I am “just a friend” since my elephant in the room text was replied to with “let’s be friends.”

What if she is expecting ME to make the move? Like I said, at times it feels as if she is still interested in more than friendship and other times it feels as if not, as if she isn’t even there.

I’m not sure I am explaining myself correctly.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could always progress things along in a casual manner, similar to how you would progress when dating someone for the first time. Instead of just asking, why not go with the flow and let things happen on its own when you’re out together with her.

Adi B
Adi B

Alright that sounds like a good idea. Take it slow.

I have another question. Typically, friends split the bill and each pay for their own food and tickets to whatever with some exceptions of course. Should this be my behavior? Or should I pay for everything still as if it was a date although we’re not calling it a date?

I’m not trying to be cheap, I’m honestly asking if I should behave as a friend OR as a date.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you were trying to win her back and you think offering to pay might continue to further impress her, you could always consider that. However, if it’s genuinely more towards building just a friendship up for now first, split the bill.

Bradley
Bradley

Fantastic read..
I stuffed up after 2 weeks Nc .. and gave her all the power.. she started having unrealistic demands topped off with she never loved me in the last 5 years we was together.. she is very angry because when she left i never chased her. Knowing my ex she is always after my to react..i think the last 5 month i have learnt not to react and that’s why we are here.. after the demands and never loving me i didn’t react and started no contact again.. now been 9 days. I have been blocked on social media she has been deactivating and reactivating her Fb… but i have to resist and temptation.. and book marking this site 9 days ago have gave me strength.. cheers for that
Thanks again
Brad

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Glad to hear that. Hang in there Bradley, and all the best.

Jesse
Jesse

First a little background. My ex and I dated for 3 1/2 months. We moved really fast (saying I love you after 3 weeks) seeing each other all the time (we would spend 4+ nights a week together) and texting/calling all the time as well. I have always been a little clingy in my relationships and she had the same issue so we became codependent. Fast forward to two weeks ago when she says she wants to slow down and just date (we had been talking about the future, marriage and kids a lot). I tried to stop all of the future talk but it was hard to go from talking about it all the time to never mentioning it. Well she broke up with me because I was clingy and got worse when I felt her pull away.

When we broke up admittedly I was crushed and did the begging and negotiating thing that just made me look worse. Since I had been almost living with her half a week or more I got all of my stuff and she came the next day to get hers from my place. By the time I got home she had deleted and blocked me across all social media. She did not want to see me so she asked if I could leave her stuff outside. When I knew she had left I went outside and she had left a box of all the gifts I had given her from jewelry (including at Tiffany necklace that she adored) to stuffed animals.

My questions are why would she give back all of the stuff that was gifts and how can I show her I have changed during the NC period since she had blocked me everywhere?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

NC period would not act as a continuation of the relationship in your case but rather a fresh start, as if you were dating someone for the first time. It seems that she wants to cut off all contact with you and make a clean break up right now, due to whatever that has happened. The best thing you can do is to let the breakup happen and slowly learn to accept it. By begging or asking for her back, you’ll only push her further away and ruin your chances. Give her some time, and work on your issues in the meantime. At the end of NC, if she still does not want to respond to you or responds negatively, you might have to be fair to yourself and consider walking away from this.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As you’ve mentioned, apply no contact and focus on yourself. Improve the aspects you felt were lacking and make positive changes in your life. As for her and her rebound, there isn’t much you can do about it, so you’ll have to wait for their relationship to fall apart before making a move again.

Jhon
Jhon

She sincerly still loves me.
Do u think my chances to get back together are close to 0?

Jhon
Jhon

And shouldnt i stay a friend beside her to give her a sparkle of love so she still know she loves me and think about it ? (Of course not over doing it)

Jhon
Jhon

Also she is with me at university and i see her about 3 days a week in class, and we cant do the NC since we have grouoework and studies. What shall i do?
Sorry for many replies

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Your chances aren’t 0, but while she’s attached, you don’t want to interfere with her relationship or life yet, because that would cause her to raise her guard against you, and may even decide to block you. It’s best to wait until after the rebound relationship ends before making a move.

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