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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat_begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

 

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

 

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)

 

If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

7883 comments… add one

  • Calista January 21, 2015, 7:15 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Actually, i would like to ask what should i do after he proceeds with divorce?

    currently, we have family time together with our child. i treasure our family time and i enjoyed it. i have no regret for the past two years as that was what i wanted to do and thas my time when i realise i have a family, so i treasure it a lot.

    if he proceeds with divorce, would it be better off for both of us not getting together for family time. that is i just drop off my child with him. so that i can get use of my life without him?

    • Calista January 21, 2015, 9:48 am

      Kevin,

      I told my husband i am very upset by simply hearing he wants to have a good discussion with me without having even heard about the divorce word. i also told him that if he proceeds with divorce, i won’t continue the family time with him anymore.

      He told me he will put off discussing anything with me. does this sound more hopeful?

      now, what could i do next? i still haven’t finished my minimal contact period. should i just continue with it n then the remaining plan?

      • Kevin January 22, 2015, 4:38 am

        Hey Calista,

        If he wants a divorce even if your relationship is better than before, then it means he doesn’t want to be with you. And I think if he doesn’t want to be with you even after 2 years of separation, then you are better off without him. I agree that you shouldn’t continue family time with him if he goes through with divorce so you can learn to live without him.

        If you still want to fight for him, you should do no contact (or minimal contact with your communications being only about your child). Do it for a couple of months and try to make some positive changes in your life during this time. Any type of positive changes will help in not only getting him back but also getting over him in case you are not able to reconcile.

  • Calista January 22, 2015, 7:14 am

    Dear Kevin,

    I really appreciate your response as i am looking for some guidance during my critical moments.

    After much struggles, my husband wants to discuss selling our joint property as he finds it hard to afford it while he is currently renting a place and is looking for a job. we shared the down payment while he had paid for the mortgage for the past four years till now. i am a bit sad that he raised this but he agrees not to go ahead with divorce at this stage.

    I don’t want to combat his wish n reluctantly agree to sell the flat. he will give me half of the sales proceeds. he said he try to be as reasonable with me as possible.

    i asked him why he is still considering a divorce. he said becox i keep pestering him on and off to move back in and having another child with me. i admit i dont do well on this.

    but now, he is willing to hold off the divorce decision.

    yes, i still want to fight for him as he is not a bad person. aftering hearing the above, do u think i have a chance?

    the fact that he suddenly brought up that topic disrupt my minimal contact plan. from what u said, i just need to continue with it. i m worried that i m running out of time as our seperation date is due. so i thought of hurring off to the next stage – that is to rebuild connect.

    what do u suggest now? thanks.

    • Kevin January 24, 2015, 10:17 am

      Hy Calista,

      “Not a bad person”. Is that what you want to settle for? There are a lot of great guys out there who are caring, thoughtful, loving, loyal and more compatible with you than your ex. Guys who will treat you the way you deserve and will commit fully into making the relationship work.

      If that is your reason for wanting to be with your ex, then I must say that I don’t agree with your decision.

      Nevertheless, it’s your decision and not mine. And if you want him back, I’ll recommend you continue with minimal contact for a couple of months. Only talk to him about the sale and your child. And do as I said in my last comment.

  • Aly January 23, 2015, 1:50 am

    Hey Kevin,
    So an unknown person anonymously let him family and girlfriend know about the pregnancy and he played as if he had just found out too, acting shocked.
    He told me he didn’t want to be friends, that it was probably one of my “messed in the head friends” who told his girlfriend, that he wants me to just get an abortion, get this “all over with and leave me and my crazy issues in the past.”
    According to him his girlfriend wasnt shocked or upset and is acting like I am not pregnant and getting more possessive. He told me he can’t keep taking me to Planned Parenthood or keep talking to me about it.
    Even while he was telling me he didn’t want to be friends and only put up with me due to mutuals it still sounded far from the truth (he wouldn’t reach out on his own/try to see me/keep pictures/show up to see me and take me home/etc. ) and we talked for two hours, half of which was about the pregnancy, the other about random conversation bits such as cars, and our lives, animals and so on.
    I let him know I understand how he felt and that I wanted him to be happy.
    He told me he liked his girlfriend and planned on hooking up with her before I came in his life and he fell in love with me.
    Today tensions were high since we have started fighting about how important going to planned parenthood was, and I ended up walking out to avoid one of us blowing up. He was getting very agitated and he pushed and swore at his closest friend who started defending me. Hes a very calm, laid back person and I’ve never seen him like this before. But tensions and blaming is very high right now and he wants to run and leave me behind.

    What do I do? How do I even begin getting him back Kevin?

    • Aly January 24, 2015, 4:24 am

      Had a talk with him tonight and he admitted to overreacting when he threatened to oermenantly leave and admitted to losing his cool lately due to being really stressed and we agreed not to fight and work together as a team in regards to the pregnancy. He embraced and hugged me and was pretty reassuring and apologetic.
      He still holds to not loving me or wanting to go back because of the past and because he has his current girlfriend.
      How do I get him back at this point?
      Or act towards him?

    • Kevin January 24, 2015, 10:26 am

      Hey Aly,

      I think at this point, you should concentrate more on what’s best for you and the baby than getting him back. There’s a good chance you will not get him back. And you should accept that. You should not push him into getting back together. Like I said in my last comment, you should act like you don’t want him back instead of making it obvious that you want him back.

      • Aly January 30, 2015, 1:09 pm

        Thank you Kevin, I found out he deleted all our pictures but he has also been lying to his girlfriend about us who had no knowledge of anything. She wants to help him and I with the pregnancy and she still feels worried and threatened. He’s on board to help out and go to aoointments but doesn’t want to be involved if I decide to keep the child.
        While the the pregnancy is my number one priority.
        I do still love him and want him back but I don’t know if I should get space or get closer.
        some of his friends have a feeling we will get back together. As of now he started dating the extremely young girlfriend two months ago, a week after we broke up, she told me she thought about breaking up with him but also likes him and has considered going through his entire phone out of worry before because I would text him and he wouldn’t tell her why.
        He and I have casual conversations besides the baby and he got coffee with my friend and I on Monday and kept that a secret.
        I don’t know what to do or what steps to take

        • Kevin January 31, 2015, 4:47 am

          I think you should get space and not try to get close with him. His relationship looks like a rebound and speaking from experience, I think it’ll end soon. Like I said before, keep doing your thing and don’t act like you want him back.

          • Aly February 4, 2015, 2:18 am

            Hey Kevin!
            I’ve been trying to do my best to get some space, his girlfriend tried to come back into my life again since he had been keeping her in the dark and lying,
            I to my regret filled her in and she tightened her grip and still feels worried,
            but,
            initially he and I were tense and ended up conversating at a point where we let out a lot of negativity, positivity, made jokes and he referenced our sex life and joked around about that. He explained how he doesn’t know how to handle any of this, and though he did bring up his girlfriend once, we ended up finishing our conversation laughing and on a good note. He brought up how he cares about me regardless of whether we are dating and I shouldn’t make assumptions that he doesn’t care.
            He also said he wanted to be “done with me” still and that his family wants to communicate to mine about the pregnancy.
            What would be some next steps?

          • Kevin February 4, 2015, 8:19 am

            Like I said before, your main concern right now should just be your pregnancy. If it’s meant to be, he will come around. I am not sure if you are still giving him the vibe that you want to be with him or he is just saying that to feel like he has power over you. If it’s the former, then try not to. Regardless, let him know clearly that you do not intend to get back with him and you are only concerned about your well being and doing what’s best for you. And waiting for him is not good for you. In fact, next time he brings up the topic of him not wanting to be with you, tell him you completely agree with him and that you don’t want it either.

  • Annie January 23, 2015, 2:12 pm

    Thank you so much for this great advice. I really needed this… :)

    • Annie January 28, 2015, 11:53 pm

      Thanks so much for putting this out there and for free and for genuinely helping people out. Bless you for doing that. I found all your information here very helpful and useful, and I promise you I would have never found anything so to the point as this anywhere else. This is exactly what I needed to read and it’s right on the money. The way you put everything so simply and laid everything out, it’s perfect. You really helped me out and puts things into perspective. You are amazing and thanks for doing that!! :)

      • Kevin January 29, 2015, 10:52 am

        Thank you for your comment Annie. Good luck. :)

  • Calista January 24, 2015, 7:07 pm

    Dear Kevin,

    Thanks a lot for your concern.

    I am thinking would it be because i keep on pestering him to move back in with me, thas why he is defensive in making a move to get back with me.

    I am not sure if i have told u the reason why we broke up. We married for six years but i didnt respect him n treat him properly as my husband. for the past six years, i didn’t live with him. He has endured n loved me a lot. But since i didnt work on the relationship, his love to me dried up.

    Given we r on seperation mode, what he is doing to me is more decent than most men who had broken up with his gf or wife.

    After hearing the above, would your view to his love / treatment to me change?

    • Kevin January 25, 2015, 3:40 am

      Hey Calista,

      Given you have been separated for the past 2 years and he still doesn’t want to get back together, I still think you should consider moving on. He might be treating you better than most people, but he is not giving you the commitment that you want. If you look at things from a different perspective, him treating you nicely after the breakup is giving you hope and in a way stopping you from moving on. If he had treated you like “most men”, perhaps you would have moved on from him till now and found someone who makes you happy.

      Whatever his reasons are for not going ahead with divorce and giving you hope (not wanting you to move on, not wanting to hurt you, not wanting to breakup his family) are in a way selfish. Like I said before, it’s your decision and if you want him back, you should go ahead and with minimal contact for a few months. But till when are you willing to live like this? Give it one last attempt. Or give yourself a time limit. Six months or a year. If he doesn’t want you back till then, you should give up hope and try to move on.

  • Calista January 25, 2015, 6:40 am

    Dear Kevin,

    Thanks for getting back to me.

    In a way, i think marriage is a life long commitment to me, i haven’t thought about and planned to look for someone else.

    i am not living in u.s.. honestly, in where i m living, there are not many good men. if there are, nearly all of them are already married and unavailable. furtheremore, the people in my country are pretty stereotype. It is not easy for a divorced woman with children to find another partner. most men prefer 20+ women.

    on another note, my counselor had analysed for me that my personality is a bit difficult to get along. there are only a few men would suit me and meet my criteria. my husband is one of them. unless i am able to change my personality, or else my h is who at this stage suits me the best.

    I chatted with my h today. he said he didnt think about proceeding with divorce if i hadn’t reminded him. often times, i played a role in pushing him to a corner where he felt he must get rid of the relationship.

    would you say that the first step if not getting divorce is the first milestone?

    what you said is true in theory. but in reality, i dont find it easy to find someone better than him. if he is willing to keep status quo, i would keep this relationship at this stage for my n my child’s benefit, until i meet someone better which is not easy.

    • Calista January 25, 2015, 6:47 am

      Oh, furthermore, i do not agree with divorce n it is against my wish. i shouldn’t kill the relationship by asking him to go ahead with divorce, should I?

      i m living well now, am enjoying my life on my own and my time with him, it is in a way moving on. i thought having a person whom i can practise how to get along with is a blessing. after divorce, i don’t see any future lies ahead for me… other than continue to be single.

      • Kevin January 27, 2015, 12:55 am

        Hey Calista,

        I think everything you are saying, about your culture and your personality being difficult to get along with, are just excuses you are giving yourself because it is scary to put yourself out there. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you become scared of the single life. It’s one of the biggest reason people find it difficult to move on. But how can you know this for sure unless you have tried?

        But anyways, if you are satisfied with your current arrangement with your ex, then I don’t see any harm with continuing with it. However, I still don’t agree with your reasoning behind it.

        • Calista January 27, 2015, 5:32 am

          Dear Kevin,

          Thanks for confirming my decision to keep the relationship. i have been checking for your replies every other hour.

          your replies have prompted a lot of thoughts in my mind and rethink what i want and where i stand.

          honestly, my husband has never given me any sweet talk to lead me on. it is me who find him worthwhile fighting for. i have a happy time with him now. he treats me well and makes me happy.

          I am already moving on (i.e. not live with him n have my own life). there is no more room for me to move on other than to divorce him. I am moving on but i want to keep the relationship. so far, i havent met any men who is more caring and thoughtful to me than he does. the only thing he has done to hurt me is probably the desire to leave. but he is still around.

          i am also wondering that i may not have done the right steps to save the relationship. instead of using minimal contact, i become a text n call gnats and constantly push him to a corner, yet he still bear with me. i believe other men would have run away already.

          I m not even sure if i can implement minimal contact starting now coz i really love talking. But i take your comments on board. i am moving on, while i keep this relationship as i m happy with him n enjoy being treated nicely.

          • Kevin January 28, 2015, 12:35 am

            Good Luck Calista. I’ll recommend you at least try minimal contact once. Let your ex know that you need space and time for yourself and I am sure he will understand. It’ll also make it easier to go ahead with implementing it once you have told him about it.

          • Calista January 28, 2015, 2:15 am

            Thanks for your recommendation.

            You are right that my ex is very understanding. When I told him I want some space and time from him, he was in fact very supportive and happy with it that I am attempting to make some changes. However, shortly after I said it, I broke it. You know, it is like if I am telling myself not to call him, I am reinforcing my wish to call him. haha. This is an excuse for myself. My ex would say I break what I said. So, I thought I may never be able to implement the correct procedure in winning my ex back. What I have been doing in the past two years are looping what I did wrong and sort of reinforce his decision to leave me is correct. Yet, he is still around. So I reckon that’s a good sign for my chance, as a way to cheer up myself.

            Everyone has a certain degree of selfishness. I am also selfish too. I am keeping him around for the sake of myself, instead of releasing him to the better world. My ex decides not to proceed to divorce is not because he is selfish and keeping on the string. It is because I said if he does so, I will be very hurt. He respects my wish. He has never lead me on…as I said.

            After hearing from your suggestion, it seems that minimal contact is the only way the go as the first step. If I don’t do it, I will never know start the “save the relationship” mission properly. On another note, throughout the past two years, I have been making some positive changes in myself (in terms of appearance which is easier to handle than changing personality, and stay strong). My ex admits that I am attractive. So, the only thing that is missing is the minimal contact.

  • e.p. January 25, 2015, 3:54 pm

    Hello Kevin

    I don’t know if you remember my post but last time I posted you told me to cut contact off with my ex boyfriend for a year but we have a daughter so we have to keep in contact for her since she’s only 2 years old. Anyways he came to visit her and so he was around me but we decided to hang out at my best friend’s house, since I moved back in with my mom. She’s my neighbor and her boyfriend is friends with him so it worked out fine. So he was very friendly with me and was acting like the dad I’ve been wanting him to act like for months. He’s not a bad dad but I know he can do better than he had been showing. We weren’t all up on each other I gave him his space to be with our daughter but he’d ask me a couple things or joke around as a group. We got along quite well, better than we had in a couple months of when we were together. Also I feel like he still has feelings for me but keeps trying to deny them. It helped a lot that you said I’m better off without him because although I love him and still want him back, I’m ok now if it doesn’t happen. I don’t know what happened but I just changed my mentality like I’m open to new things. Again I love him with all my heart but I find myself not worried so much about his social media or thinking about what he’s doing. I know he’s most likely still talking to that one girl but I’m ok with that. Its hard to explain but in other words I still would like for us to get back but if it doesn’t happen I’m ok with moving on. Thank you so much. Another little update we seen each other again 2 days later after he came to visit to see our daughter but only to pick up our daughter he started talking to me about his job & he’s been going through there. He’s nice to me and we actually get along. I don’t feel awkward being around him or to see him anymore. It feels nice to know we can get along after he swore we couldn’t and thats why he broke up with me. I have made some physical changes in my life I went from being 160 lbs to 129 lbs so that boosted up my self-esteem and I feel great. I actually feel I’m maturing a bit from this situation little by little. Again not going to lie to myself or anyone by saying I don’t want him back because I still do and I still love him but yeah I just wanted to update you a little on what’s been going on and to thank you!

  • Minstar January 28, 2015, 2:18 pm

    How do you do NC when you have children? We have four together and neither of us is willing to miss out on basketball games, etc. Also, he left me (married for 18 yrs and he cheated and is living with other woman now) and left me with the bills to figure out. He was in charge. Do I just do it by myself? I could be making big mistakes if I don’t consult him but maybe it’s worth it? Please advise.

    • Kevin January 29, 2015, 10:51 am

      I wrote about no contact with kids on this page. For the basketball games etc., I guess you will have to meet up with him. But try to keep the interactions with him minimum. Take a friend with you if possible so you have someone to talk to. If you need help with the bills, you can call him if it’s absolutely necessary, but it’ll be a better idea to ask someone else who also has experience with bills (a friend or family).

      • Minstar January 29, 2015, 9:32 pm

        He wants to be the one to make the decisions on the bills and how they are paid. I’d rather he stay out of it and let me do it now but he wants to be in control of how his money is spent (even if it’s to the detriment of paying down our debt). So do I just let him keep being in charge? If I got my separate account he would go ballistic and think I was trying to control him which would send him into a warring mindset.

        • Kevin January 29, 2015, 11:38 pm

          Interesting. If I were you, I’ll still get a separate account. Tell him that it was his decision to be separate and you have to learn to take care of yourself and not depend on him. Let him know that it’s not your intention to hurt him with this action or prove something to him. It is a part of you moving on from the breakup and if he wants to breakup, then he should be accepting of this. If you say it in a calm manner, he will probably understands. If he goes ballistic, cut contact with him for a while and give him time to process his thoughts. He will eventually calm down and accept it.

  • Esther January 29, 2015, 7:22 pm

    I sent you a comment a few days ago. Did you receive it?

    • Kevin January 29, 2015, 11:34 pm

      Esther,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. I’d recommend you post your questions on the message boards.

    • Andy January 30, 2015, 7:27 am

      Yes, I also submit a comment here and never made it.

  • e.p. January 30, 2015, 6:08 pm

    Kevin
    That’s great e.p. I am glad your mentality has changed. Remember, there’s a good chance he will want you back at some point in the future. At that point, do not be too quick to accept him. Take your time to think things through. In my opinion, if you take him back, things will go back to the way they were. Him constantly cheating on you and you hoping he will change. So think very carefully before taking him back.

    Sorry I had to copy & paste because it wasn’t letting me reply.

    Yes I will be more careful and think it through very carefully when it comes to making that decision. I need to see changes before I can even think about it and I will not just take him back like nothing. My self-esteem has gone up so much that I know I deserve to be happy and I will not settle for less. If he shows changes but then goes back then I will not put up with it because I don’t need that in my life, or just plain any other guy and their b.s. in my life. Thank you once again! :)

    • Kevin January 31, 2015, 4:48 am

      You are welcome e.p. :)

  • Phil January 30, 2015, 11:37 pm

    Thanks for this website, it’s amazing

  • rohit February 1, 2015, 1:53 am

    hi Kevin,
    i had left a message here
    please revert , need help

  • Mike February 2, 2015, 12:18 pm

    Trying to sign up for the emails but Im not receiving the confirmation code. Ive tried two different email addresses. Any ideas?

    • Kevin February 3, 2015, 8:28 am

      Hey Mike,

      The confirmation mail is already sent. Please check your junk/spam folder.

  • sadlyinlove February 3, 2015, 6:32 am

    Hi Kevin
    You have given me quite a lot to think about regarding my relationship with my husband and your advice seems sound.My husband and I have been seperated for more than a month( and yes I did reply to his messages).What I want to know is.I have left my husband previously for one month since September 2014 and than he asked me to come back and I did.
    I left him again since 25 December2014. I want him back. But this time he spoke about divorce and Iam panicking. Will he take me back? I’ll admit I am a difficult person to live with,because I feel he takes me for granted.His family and child always comes first.My sister told me that maybe I am too impulsive,immature and jealous.But I believe he made a vow to stick with me,becoming one and all that entails.Please help.

    • Kevin February 3, 2015, 8:32 am

      Hey,

      I can’t really say if he will go ahead with the divorce or not. But panicking is not going to help. Even if he is thinking about it, you have a chance to change his mind. And the best way to do that will be to follow the plan. Use no contact to work on your issues. Get professional help. Read books which deal with the issues you have. Learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. How to convey your desires and requests in a non threatening way. It’s a skill that can be learned. And all the issues you mentioned can be easily controlled/resolved with therapy and self awareness. Good luck.

  • Toby February 3, 2015, 11:52 am

    Hey Kevin,
    My ex has told the new guy she needs time and space to choose whether she will be with him, me or will stay single and try to move on. She told me she likes him and at the same time loves me and thinks it won’t be fair for one of us if she chooses the other, so she is considering staying alone. What should I do?

    • Toby February 3, 2015, 11:59 am

      One more thing. She thinks it’s selfish of her to just choose one of us. She is very confused and is analyzing the pros and cons of me and the other guy.

    • Kevin February 4, 2015, 8:13 am

      Don’t push her and if she decides to stay alone, tell her it’s OK. You can change her decision later on, but you if you act needy, desperate or push her, you will look unattractive which will probably push her to the other guy.

      • Toby February 4, 2015, 11:45 am

        What is better, being close to her while she’s deciding, or keeping a little distance? Should I make her think I’m slipping away from her, because that way she will be more interested in me? Maybe if she is 100% sure she can have me anytime, I won’t be so interesting to her? What should I do? Help me please! I feel like it’s a now or never situation, because if she chooses the other guy, I’m planning to give up on her and try to really move on. Thanks!

        • Kevin February 6, 2015, 9:34 am

          I think a little bit of both. Have a life of your own. Keep yourself busy. If she asks to meet or talk, then agree and meet up. But don’t always be too available for her. Most importantly, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make the right moves. Her decision is mainly going to depend on whatever happened till now and not what you do right now. She already said she loves you and only likes the other guy. As long as you don’t do anything to push her away (acting needy, insecure), you are going to be fine.

          • Toby February 7, 2015, 6:56 am

            Should I make romantic things, you know Valentine’s day is coming… I’ve planned buying tickets to a show I know she would enjoy? And I didn’t usually do that when we were together so I think she will be impressed.

          • Kevin February 7, 2015, 10:48 am

            Valentine’s day is a little tricky in your situation. I guess since she has already told you that she loves you, I think it’ll be OK to go ahead with that. But don’t make it a surprise. Ask her in advance if she wants to do something on V day. Make your moves depending on her reaction.

          • Toby February 10, 2015, 3:59 pm

            Hey Kevin, how often do you think I should contact her (calling, texting, facebook chat)? The more days that pass without talking to her the more nervous I get. The negative thoughts overtake me and I lose hope, until the next time we talk. I’m afraid I didn’t get the best of the no contact period, but a new one is not an option. What do you think? Thank you for your help until now!

          • Kevin February 11, 2015, 10:53 am

            Hey Toby,

            It depends on how well she responds to you contacting her. If she is receptive and warm, then once in every 3-4 days. If not, then you should wait a week or two. Also, it’s a good idea to let her initiate contact sometime. If you have been the one to initiate contact for a month or two, then you should wait till she initiates contact.

          • Toby February 11, 2015, 11:58 am

            Yes she is receptive and warm and we both initiate contact. She is enjoying the ability to talk to me whenever she wants, now that the no contact period is over. I hope I’m not getting friendzoned thou.. Remember I am still waiting for her to choose one of us (or stay single). I’ve decided not to start the topic, because that would be rushing things. I will wait for her to start it, because that’s what is expected from her, as long as she knows I am waiting for her decision.

  • e.p. February 5, 2015, 12:58 am

    Hello Kevin

    It’s probably been a week or so since I last posted and I must say lately I’ve been dreaming with my ex too much even that he proposed. Anyways lately he was acting nice to me & seemed changed not completely but his attitude had changed towards me like he was no longer angry if I texted him(only about our daughter) or even when he would see me.

    Even my best friend who is also my neighbor which is his friend’s girlfriend said she noticed he changed in a good way. Anyways on Monday (Feb.2) I took my daughter to the hospital and I told him I was taking her, he picked us up and then took me to get her medicine. He was nice and even called the next day to say he was going to come visit her. He didn’t cause his mom ended up coming but said he would come today (Feb.4).

    He was would normally get here around 8 but then he wasn’t showing so at 8:30 I asked him if he was still planning to come he replied right away sayin yes that he just had an emergency at his job in Tustin. Then out of the blue my friend that lives up state texted me asking who was the girl he was posting on his instagram. She then sent me a screenshot. He posted 2 pictures of that girl that I know.

    I got mad because I had made food for him, my friend, and her boyfriend for allowing us to meet up in their house and when I seen that I got so mad and hurt that I was like I refuse to cook for someone who’s posting another girl. So I texted him around 9:10 saying it was too late already that maybe some other time.

    Was I too obvious? He doesn’t know I seen that but he maybe thinks I got mad cause he was taking long? I’m so hurt I thought we had a chance. What do I do? I really don’t want to see him right now.

    • e.p. February 5, 2015, 1:40 am

      Also to add to this. He’s apparently with her at his job(Her dad had got him the job which her dad was also my aunts boyfriend). Someone told me she posted a picture of herself on his snapchat(another type of social media). I’m so angry right now. I thought I was fine but his nice changed attitude had me thinking twice and got my own hopes up. You’re so right he’s never going to change. Or at least not any time soon. To be honest I’m scared to move on.

      I want to be with him because I love him But also because he’s my daughter’s dad. I want my family back but how does he see what he’s throwing away. I’m always positive around him. I don’t act needy. I don’t text him everyday. I let him be but he seems to not care what so ever.

    • Kevin February 6, 2015, 9:43 am

      Hey e.p.,

      As I said in the article above, freaking out if he is dating someone else is a very common reaction. You have taken a step back from where you were. You were ready to move on, were feeling confident and were OK with him not being in your life. What you are experiencing right now is just a reaction. It’s your instincts. But try to remind yourself why you left him in the first place and why you decided that you should learn to live without him and be happy without him.

      He has all the right in the world to see some other girl. And you should not let it bother you. It’s probably a rebound and if you want to get back, you still have a chance. But it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the fact that you were miserable with him for a long time and he has been unfaithful to you more than once. You are STILL better off without him.

      • e.p. February 9, 2015, 6:00 pm

        You’re right it was just a reaction to seeing it. I mean I know he’s been seeing her for maybe 2 months already but I just got mad when I seen the picture. I did step back and think about why I left his side and I feel better.

        I still feel confident just an instinct reaction. I know he’ll come back to me but little by little by everything he’s doing I’m seeing a less chance for him. I’m ready to date, which I should do because just as much as he has the right I do to.

        I have a feeling it’s a rebound too since my friend told me he compares what this girl does with me. If he’s truly over me then why compare or even bring me up? I’m no longer letting there relationship get in my head. I’m happy with my life right now. Things are looking up for me.

        As for them, out of sight out of mind. I’ma let them ride out their relationship. They’re both poison. Thank you for the reinsurance Kevin! :)

  • Sunkist February 7, 2015, 2:13 am

    Hi Kevin. Your articles are very helpful. Thank you so much.
    Btw, where can I find the sample letter? It says I can find in step 5, but I don’t see any. ;(
    Please help me.

    • Kevin February 7, 2015, 3:23 am

      Hey Sunkist,

      It’s the 10th email in the email series. You can read the FAQ section for more clarification.

  • Aly February 7, 2015, 4:35 am

    I’ve been telling him that I don’t want him back each time he brings it up and he was thinking that I changed all for him and I told him that wasn’t the case and it was for myself.
    Now he’s been more supportive, though he got hot headed, each time he did it resulted in us talking it out and hugging it out. He’s been more touchy. (Rubbing my leg, holding my hand, hugging me, rubbing my back.) And when he dropped me off home he made sure I got to the door safe and stayed for a little bit (It was late at night and I live in not the greatest area) so I have been seeing that he’s been caring a lot. When I’m around him he sees more playful now and is bumping into me.
    I know it’s frustrating his girlfriend, but at the end of the day hes still with her at some point even if just for an hour or two. She said if I wasn’t pregnant she would block all contact between him and I and I know he doesn’t tell her everything, if anything.
    I drove to go hiking with a few friends and he saw me driving and followed my car and asked if he could go hike with us. At the end of the day his girlfriend messaged me asking me how our appointment with the doctor went, which really confused me.
    She told me that he also won’t open up to her and tells her he is just sleepy and I hear most of their relationship is in her living room in front of the TV.
    While he spent an hour recently opening up to me about how he doesn’t know what he’s doing, is stressed, scared about the pregnancy, and so on.
    I don’t know what next moves to take.

    • Kevin February 7, 2015, 10:42 am

      I think you should just continue what you’ve been doing. You don’t need to make any moves. Their relationship is slowly weakening and I think they will break up eventually. When they do, don’t jump at the opportunity and try to get him back. Let him make the moves. You are doing great. Good luck.

      • Aly February 8, 2015, 12:14 am

        He has been nothing but kind recently, even considering keeping the child even if he still doesn’t want to. Assuring me he will be around to be there for me and won’t leave me if I do get an abortion and he will stick around. I said he said that before and left and he said I have to understand that he was overwhelmed and I was depressed and it was bringing him down. He said in the future he thinks we wont make a crazy effort to see each other but we will still be around each other due to mutual friends.
        Which upset me because I still want to get him back but I looked at the brightside that he sees me in his future in some form at least.
        I tell him I understand exactly why we broke up and I dont blame him,
        I Stopped defending myself and saying oh whyd you leave me you should’ve stayed through thick and thin and started saying, yes I can see I handled things badly I agree with you.
        I tell him I want him to be happy and that I want him to succeed also.
        So I’m doing my best and hoping for the best. Even in classes we share I have been seeing him looking at me. And I know he sees me more than his own girlfriend of two months.
        Which I know if we were dating and he used time he could’ve been spending with me or even his friends to constantly see his ex Id at the very least be uncomfortable.

        • Kevin February 9, 2015, 10:34 am

          Hey Aly,

          You are doing great. Don’t let anything he says upset you. People change their mind a lot of times. It’s a good sign he sees you in the future. Just keep your calm and continue doing what you have been doing.

          • Aly February 10, 2015, 2:18 am

            Had a long talk to him tonight where we talked on the subject of our old relationship. He made several statements.
            He thinks how I was in the old relationship was unfair to him, he felt I was trying to convince him to get back with me all the time by saying it was unfair how he held things against me, he said he’s glad I’m handling things better now and turned everything around but he will never get back with me because he can’t just forget everything he went through and the reason he went back to his ex now is because they didn’t end on bad terms, I said we didn’t end on bad terms and that he was simply overwhelmed and he said yeah those are bad terms.
            He said he felt I made everything about one of my exes during our relationship and just sees it all as negative and that I used to handle things poorly. No matter how many times I agree with him or apologize it seems to have no effect, I asked him to not hold it all against me and understand and he said he does understand and not to worry because he is just complaining because he has a right to because I used to complain so much while we dated.
            He sees our entire old relationship so negatively and it feels like with time hes not getting more nostalgic but summing it up into one big negative experience forgetting all the good.
            How do I begin to get him back when he is saying he will never go back?

          • Kevin February 10, 2015, 10:51 am

            Let him think the way he wants. Don’t try to change it or influence it. It’s his way of processing everything. Just tell him, that whatever happened was in the past and you are not expecting him to get back together with you. Have patience. It might take some time. But if you keep your cool and don’t show any signs of neediness and act like your old self, you have a pretty good chance.

          • Aly February 10, 2015, 2:10 pm

            Thank you,
            Is there any way I can remind him of good memories or attract him back?
            We have been spending a lot of time together driving to the pregnancy clinic and we laugh, talk, and listen to music (we try as best as possible to avoid the stress of the situation and it’s quite the road trip) but nothing besides that. I’m afraid once I get the abortion (which is what he really wants and what I’m starting to think is the best for me) that he will drop out of my life.

          • Aly February 10, 2015, 9:18 pm

            But what I do know is that he cares, at the very least, thats something, he asks me if I’m okay, puts his hand on my back if he sees I feel sick, asks me about my family, rubs my leg to comfort me, and wants to be there for me. He gets me coffee, I had no where to go one night this week because of issues in my household and he drove in the middle of the rainy night straight out of bed to take me to one of my girls apartment and walked me to the door. I keep wanting to say love doesn’t just go away in two months and it can’t just disappear completely simply because he was just overwhelmed by how poorly I handled things. It seems like he’s keeping me close to watch over me and care about me but it also seems like he’s keeping his distance because of his girlfriend and because he wants to be done with me and all the negativity that came with me.
            I’ve kept my calm and I try my best to not pressure him, and I’m trying to make him laugh and create positive memories even though we are stressed out of our minds driving hour long car trips to the clinic for appointments.
            But I saw a notification light up today while he was using his phone for navigation, he doesn’t talk to his girlfriend much it appears if about anything (Whenever Im around him hes not talking to her and vice versa), but she also expresses concern to him and they seem good? Solid? And it makes me wonder if their relationship is actually weakening and if he will ever go back to me, especially since he says he never will go back.

          • Kevin February 11, 2015, 10:58 am

            Hey Aly,

            Yes, his relationship is probably weakening. But, I don’t think you should be trying to make any moves right now. If you can remind him of positive memories in the past without making it obvious, do so. But make sure it doesn’t lead to any negativity. You are getting plenty of time to spend with him and you are using it wisely. Keep doing so. Even if you go through with the abortion, do not do anything that reeks of neediness. Let him initiate contact with you and if he doesn’t give him space and time. Like I said before, it’ll take time and a lot of patience on your part. Don’t start obsessing over little things and don’t do anything needy or desperate. That’s your best bet right now.

          • Aly February 11, 2015, 10:45 pm

            Hey Kevin,
            We ended up spending all day together again and went to fill out forms and get dinner, a lot of time went into talking and making each other laugh. I teared up from stress and he asked me whats wrong and put his arm over me and multiple times pulled me in today to hold me and rub my shoulder telling me we got this. When he took me home we talked in his car and he held my hand for a long time and I rested my head on his shoulder, he says he knows we will be dealing with this for a long time and will go through it together.
            He brings up his girlfriend but very, very rarely and to say simple things like, “She and I went out to eat and I ordered this and it was a really good burger!” So I don’t think too much of that. I’m trying to be positive as possible and we definitely are touching affectionately a lot more now.

          • Aly February 12, 2015, 9:20 pm

            Although things have been improving between he and I, his girlfriend and her sister constantly send me pictures of him and his girlfriend saying how cute and happy they are and how jealous I must be. He also said he was going home after dropping me off at work but went to his girlfriend’s and lied to me. I don’t know what to think about any of this and it seems really discouraging..

  • Rudra February 7, 2015, 5:59 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I had posted my problem for you to give me an insight,however, i have’nt received a reply from you yet….It said your post is being moderated…Could you please help me?

    • Kevin February 7, 2015, 10:44 am

      Hey Rudra,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You should post your question on the message boards.

  • e.p. February 10, 2015, 4:02 am

    Hello Kevin,

    I feel my ex is playing games or maybe it’s just me. Last week on Monday I took my daughter to the hospital, he came to pick us up and still stayed to be with her for a bit longer. Anyways he called me the next day asking how she was doing and that he was gonna go. He didn’t because his mom ended up coming so we agreed the day after.

    Remember how I told you about the whole girl thing and I got upset so I just said it was late already that maybe some other day? Well after that he never replied nor did he ever text me back the following days, until Sunday.

    He texted me twice at noon, one saying he was going to pick up our daughter and she was gonna stay with him for a couple of days and the second one saying he was going to pick her that day and bring her back at night. I asked what time? But he didn’t reply. So I got my daughter dressed and her diaper bag ready. We were waiting and waiting and he never texted or called me.

    To my surprise he never showed up. Didn’t even call to cancel or anything. Fortunately for me and my daughter’s sake she’s only 2 so she didn’t understand being stood up by her dad. I didn’t text or call him until the next day. I told him was he suppose to pick her up yesterday because she was ready and waiting for him. Again no reply.

    I’m actually shocked with this because he’s never done this to her. Every time he says he’s coming for her or that he’s gonna visit her, he does unless he really can’t but he let’s me know. He had been really nice to me, we were getting along just fine but after that night I texted him it was too late to come he got distant again.

    Could it be the new girl influencing him? Like to not be around me? Should I have a serious talk with him about this? Sometimes I feel he’s messing with my head because him being kind to me and getting along and being a great dad is everything to me but then to do this!

    He’s never been a guy to really fully open up about his feelings but he can’t be that cruel can he? Also do you believe in age phases or maturity phases. Everyone is blaming his age saying he’s too young, it’s just a phase he’ll be back. He’s gonna regret leaving you. He just turned 21 in November. I don’t know maybe I just over analyze things.

    • Kevin February 10, 2015, 10:57 am

      Hey e.p,

      You can be right on all accounts. His girlfriend influencing him, his age thing, or him just playing games. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t affect your life. If he is going to be the type of father who stands up his daughter, you should have a serious talk with him. But now is not the time for that. Wait till your daughter is old enough and enough time has passed for both of you to get over the breakup. You should not expect him to be kind to you. If you depend on him on any way, you are giving him power over you. And he can use that power to manipulate you and screw up your progress.

  • Nvincible February 10, 2015, 9:35 am

    I have recently had a breakup with my ex.
    To be honest I don’t where to begin to start this comment. I can say this, after reading the entire article, you have written everything that has happened in my recent relationship. The deepest negative emotions I have experienced has led in results of showing how desperate I was to talk about this. Truly embarrassing as it sounds, I have done it all emails, text messages, calling from different phone numbers ( blocked) even the facebook messages( recently deleted my entire account).Sleeping during the night didn’t make it better. Since the breakup, I have had 5 dreams about him for nearly 2 weeks and that has never happened to me.
    My expression: W0_0W! I have really let down my myself on all levels. It almost felt like Depression has taken over me somewhat. I was in that state for 3 weeks. During those days, I can say I was able to still manage getting up accomplishing things that needed to be taken care of. At the same time, still I was experiencing a negative mood mentality, I began to blame myself for all the times I touch something, It turns sour. Also I began to think of the wrong and bad things choices and decisions I made in my life. How many opportunities and chances I missed out on. I wasn’t the bad child. I was a young lady trying to be the responsible, I know what to do, don’t need help from no one kind of person. With that thinking, It has led me to nowhere but becoming dumb and not listening to my own mother. to sum up this comment. My listening skills has yet to become better but I have calm down since my those days and now that the relationship I have had with my now ex I feel as If I have no chances left at all.
    Yesterday, I made a decision to not contact him for awhile( for more than 3o days), even thinking of maybe playing the role of proposing to him but not until I really am sure If I won’t to step up a level. . I am open to any criticisms o and pen minded speaking opinionated Opinions. thanks for reading *whew*!

    • Kevin February 10, 2015, 11:02 am

      Hey,

      What you went through is common and you are not alone. You made the right decision. But you need to stop criticising yourself so much.

      You have made the right decision to not contact him. Use this time to make some changes in your life and get out of this negative state of mind. Go out and do something. Make some positive changes in your life. Also, join the message boards and participate in the community. It can be therapeutic.

      • Nvincible February 12, 2015, 9:04 pm

        thank you for your feedback. I might have a 1 or 2 short questions to ask. Before I begin. I wanted to add on to my comment from 2 days ago. our breakup lasted 30 -40 days. This man told me ” I’m finished” by via text. My heart sunked deeply. Is it childish of him to use that method rather than telling me by TEL? He has completely ignored me on Facebook (denied my request) have seen the messages I written and didn’t reply. it has been 3 days since I’ve stopped the contacting.

        • Kevin February 13, 2015, 10:05 am

          I don’t think it’s childish. Breaking up is hard and everyone deals with it differently. It’s not an ideal way to tell someone that. But then again, everyone is different. And rejecting someone takes a lot of courage. Some people just don’t have enough courage to do it in person. But in the end, it doesn’t matter how he said it. It doesn’t even matter what he said or what words he used. Emotions are high after a breakup for you and him both. Until you both have had some time to calm down, and think things through (no contact), you shouldn’t take it to heart. Follow the plan. If after that, he feels the same way, then you can be sure he means it. Until then, use this time to improve yourself.

  • e.p. February 10, 2015, 3:12 pm

    Sorry again it wasn’t letting me reply.

    Well we ended pretty bad and for months we were mostly negative. I read that I have to give time
    for both of us to change the view we have on each other, well him on me since I was needy, I begged him and I basically turned into the most unattractive girl with just being that way. It’s gonna be 3 months since we broke up.

    I don’t expect him to be kind to me, I actually didn’t even think he would be nice to me. It caught me by surprise that he was being nice. So in other words he truly is over me & the relationship we once had? Because the first time we broke up we were broken up for 5 months & we didn’t even end on bad terms like that. Maybe I’m still stuck on that 5 months time limit.

    • Kevin February 11, 2015, 10:51 am

      No, it definitely doesn’t mean he is over you and the relationship. But if you expect things from him, he will use it to manipulate you. Like I said before, there’s a good chance he will want you back in the future. I can’t say after how long, but from whatever you have told me, I think he will. And yes, even though you were needy, he was the one who was more responsible for the breakup. If anything, he should be the one proving to you that he can be faithful and committed. You are losing focus here e.p. Just because you are concentrating on getting him back. You should be concentrating on your happiness and whether or not he will be able to provide you with a committed and happy relationship. Not his happiness and how to get him back.

      Right now, do not try to decipher his actions and what they mean. Him being kind, being rude, ignoring you, posting pics on instagram. All these things will not matter in the long run. The only thing that will matter is how you use this time to reclaim yourself and learn to be happy without him.

  • e.p. February 11, 2015, 1:08 pm

    You’re right. I am losing focus. My purpose is myself and daughter. I will stop trying to make everything he does have a meaning behind it. Him doing all these things won’t matter in the long run. You’re right he should be the one trying to win me back. He made mistakes as well. But as of now I will stop focusing on him and focus on my happiness.

    I need to stop giving him so much power over me. I have full power over myself and enough is enough. My path right now is just my daughter and myself. Becoming a better, happy person. Thank you Kevin.

    • Kevin February 12, 2015, 6:26 am

      Good Luck. :)

      • e.p. February 12, 2015, 11:43 am

        Thank you :)

  • CG February 12, 2015, 1:01 pm

    How long does it take for comments to post? I put two up yesterday

    • Kevin February 13, 2015, 9:58 am

      Hey CG,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Pleas post your question on the message boards.

  • R.A February 12, 2015, 8:13 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I posted a comment yesterday. Have you gone through it yet??

    Regards,
    R.A

    • Kevin February 13, 2015, 10:01 am

      Hey R.A,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Pleas post your question on the message boards.

  • e.p. February 13, 2015, 1:51 am

    I’m so dumb. I messed up so bad. I texted my ex after he dropped off my daughter saying this…
    “That b**** better not be around Abrielle. I’m not stupid, you were hiding someone in your car that’s why you parked far & got everything quick. Do what you want just don’t have her around my daughter.”

    I regret it so bad but I had got mad because every time he drops her off he parks in the driveway but this time he parked in the corner (I live 2 houses down from the corner). Anyways this time he parked in the corner and easy quick to take everything out of hi car so I wouldn’t get close to his car.

    I asked him was there more in the car and he said no that’s all. He even left the back door open of his car and his headlights were on. He always turns off his car. It got me mad the fact that he swore he wouldn’t bring a girl around our daughter unless it was a serious relationship and had been together for a long time.

    Either way he knows how I feel about her and I don’t want her around my daughter. I’m not 100% sure if she was in the car or any other girl but still. This morning when he picked up our daughter he parked right in front of my house and let me put our daughter in her car seat but this time it was.

    I regret it but I don’t what to do. I don’t feel like I need to text him apologizing for texting him that, or should I?

    • Kevin February 13, 2015, 10:07 am

      No you don’t. If YOU want to apologise, it’s OK. But it’s not necessary. Let him feel whatever he feels. You overreacted, but that’s OK. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

  • Aly February 13, 2015, 2:43 am

    Hey Kevin,
    Tonight went awful. He thinks I changed only for him. We ran into his girlfriend.
    He pulled me aside to tell me to give up hope and move on because he’s done with me and not backtracking because he’s just “done” and doesn’t love me anymore and has moved on. That I shouldn’t hold out hope. that he knows I still love him but it just wont happen and I’ll meet someone else.

    I cried. I tried convincing.. I told him I changed for me not him. He said he’s just happy with her now.

    He held my hand then got his jackets for me to wear in front of his girlfriend then went over to kiss her.

    He said there’s no chance. Nothing.
    Then said maybe we can be best friends.

    What do I do? I thought their relationship was weakening and things were getting way better between us.

    • Kevin February 13, 2015, 10:12 am

      Hey Aly,

      I guess he was seeing through your act and your crying convinced him. I think you should do no contact. You actually have to be OK with not being with him otherwise you will always be giving out vibes that you want him back. And he will see through that. You are still putting too much importance on getting him back and not on yourself. Doing no contact will help your feelings actually change and you will start putting yourself before getting him back. I guess it’ll be hard with all the pregnancy thing, so I’ll recommend you only speak to him about the pregnancy and nothing else. If possible, try to find another way to go to the clinic so you don’t have to spend so much time with him.

      • Aly February 13, 2015, 10:22 am

        I’m afraid to do NC Especially if I choose abortion because it’ll just create a divide between us and feel finalizing. Do I still have a chance?

        • Kevin February 14, 2015, 6:33 am

          Aly,

          In my opinion, no contact is your only chance. You have to stop being so afraid of losing him. That’s the only way you can learn to be happy without him and start putting your happiness before anything else. As long as you are afraid of losing him, you will be needy and he will sense it.

          • Aly February 17, 2015, 2:29 am

            I don’t understand why things took a sharp turn south
            It went from him caring and getting closer to what it is now. I saw him today when he gave me my sweater back. He brought up the baby and said his had more important things to do like Valentines day than communicate with me about the baby . When I tried to talk about it he got into his car saying he had plans which were more important and slammed his door. I was standing behind his car still ( we were talking behind his tailgate) and he seemed like he was about to threaten to hit me. Then he got back out after talking to our mutual friend who was trying to aleviate the situation and he invited himself to go hiking with my friend and I. It was pleasant until we were driving and we were all talking, at one point he said “If I never broke up with you you would’ve never dumped me. You’re too obsessed with me. ” I tried to defend myself and he kept saying I was crazy in love with him and obsessed with him. Our friend said that his ego was too big to his face and he said “No she was just so obsessed about me and still is” to which I had enough of and told him to go F himself and that I could care less for him.
            While it wasnt true he keeps thinking Im obsessed with him. At one point he was parked near me and openned his car door expecting me to come in and was baffled when I refused.
            Regardless, he dropped me off home and said goodnight, I’ll see you tomorrow. To which I just ignored him and went inside.
            I know on Valentine’s Day he knew I went out with our friend on a date and he asked our friend if I made it safely home and asked a lot of questions about whether if I was safe and taken care of.
            I don’t understand if I handled anything well or whats going on with him.
            Tomorrow we have an appointment together about the baby but we have to drive for an hour I don’t know if I should ignore him during the car trips or try to bond or what.

          • Kevin February 17, 2015, 7:34 am

            Don’t try to bond and don’t ignore him either. If he talks, reply politely. But don’t try to talk to him more than is necessary. As I said before, doing no contact/minimal contact is your best bet. He still thinks you are obsessed with him and it’s true. Perhaps he is picking up a vibe from you or he has a big ego. Either ways, you have to prove him wrong. And the only way to do that is to actually stop obsessing over him and become OK with the breakup and the possibility of not having him back in your life. And the best way to do that is no contact.

          • Aly February 17, 2015, 10:31 pm

            I agree that no contact or minimal sounds like my best bet.
            I tried to keep it to a minimum today but we ended up talking when we got to the waiting room. He was playing around and joking around like a kid and kept nudging me to get my attention and eventually apologized for how he had been rude and said I was obsessed saying he based it off a believable statement a friend of ours made.
            He said he wished I communicated with him better. On the way home after we found out the baby’s gender we both sort of blew up. He said he didn’t want to know and was afraid of getting attached. At one point he yelled that it feels like he has no support and only I do, everyone’s on my side, that he’s “sick of everyone supporting me because they love me so much”, that he never gets what he wants, that he wants to be done and move forward with his life, and when I told him im here to support him too thats when the big blow up happened where he yelled that I am not enough. I tried to get out of the car because I was crying and thats when he grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug. It was the last thing I expected but he didn’t let me go and kept hugging me and apologized.
            I told him he needed to start seeing us as a team and to start respecting me and he told me to communicate better.
            He dropped me off and said he was going home and was kind and hugging me, (my rpomate actually thought we got back together) but then he said he was going home and I found out he lied and went to his girlfriends. I don’t know what to think about any of this.

          • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:56 am

            Hey Aly,

            I don’t think having him in your life at this point is good for you. He keeps on giving you these mixed signals and then rejects you. I think he is very confused about his feelings for you, which is the reason he keeps on repeating that he wants to move on. I still think you should do no contact and stay away from him for a long period of time. That’s the only way he will be able to sort out his feelings and realise what he really wants. It’ll also give you the time to stop being needy and depending so much on him for happiness and peace of mind.

  • e.p. February 13, 2015, 10:48 am

    Well he replied saying she was in the car he didn’t even deny it. He even started to tell me she’s a great girl and that he likes her a lot and she’s helped him out. I tried not to bring up anything about our relationship but he kept trying to go there like make me bring up negative things.

    I kept telling him I wasn’t gonna go into to details with him. That he knows why I don’t want her around my daughter and that all I’m asking is to respect. He kept trying to convince me like it was ok. I told him I’m not gonna get convinced. There’s things you and I will never agree on, but that didn’t matter anymore.

    I told him to just respect my decision and to keep his word, but he kept trying to make her seem good like so I could be ok with it. I told him that his time with his daughter should just be between them two, to take advantage of the time. I told him your time with her do what you want but your time with your daughter at least give her your full attention.

    I made the mistake of saying that I missed him he completely ignored it and I was fine with that. I felt this conversation went bad on some level. What hurt was him telling me that she’s a great girl and that he likes her a lot. Meaning he’s falling in love with her.

    He must truly be into her and she must not be a rebound if she’s around my daughter and I’m not sure if the girl was over his mom’s house but if she was then he’s really into her. He doesn’t let his mom meet girls he’s not serious about. Not sure if she did but I don’t know. He basically confirmed it wasn’t a rebound relationship right? Any chance we once had is done. He’s done for good with him.

    I feel dumb. I feel hurt by what he told me. Those are some things I just didn’t want to know about him. That’s why I kept saying I wasn’t gonna go into details because I didn’t want to hear them. I didn’t want him to tell me he likes her a lot. I didn’t need to know that.

    • e.p. February 13, 2015, 11:48 am

      I meant he’s done for good with me. I did say I helped you a lot as well. I was always there for you ready for anyhring. I was always there for you even when I didn’t have to be but that doesn’t matter now. He had also said she didn’t do anything wrong he’s the one that hit her up. I told him it’s the whole picture. You wouldn’t have done that if she wouldn’t have gave you some sort of in. It takes 2. She knew the history and didn’t give a damn.

    • Kevin February 14, 2015, 6:35 am

      Hey,

      First of all, everything you said does not mean it’s not a rebound. A lot of rebound relationships get really serious really fast and end after a while. However, you are again losing focus. Even if he is in a happy relationship, good for him. You two have broken up. And it’s probably the best thing that has ever happened to you. You no longer have to try to please or keep a man who is not capable of being faithful and committed.

  • Toby February 13, 2015, 11:18 am

    She chose the other &^&)(*(&%^)&(_* ‘I love you but things change with time’. I want to die. i bought her tickets to take her to dance should I do it anyway? This may be the last post from me. Thank you for the hope during these hard months for me! I hope better days will come someday……

    • Kevin February 14, 2015, 6:37 am

      Hey Toby,

      I don’t think you should take her now. It’ll look desperate. Cut contact with her and try to move on. Yes, better days are right around the corner. Good luck.

  • Nvincible February 13, 2015, 9:27 pm

    I broke the N.c. rule tonight. smh…. Love hurts.
    I reactivated my account with facebook and have sent him a few messages
    still, he reads ALL of them and still ignores me…

    • Kevin February 14, 2015, 6:38 am

      Start again. You have to be strong. Every time you contact him, you are putting yourself through emotional hell. Don’t do it to yourself.

      • Nvincible February 14, 2015, 7:09 am

        Thank you for your reply.
        This morning, I couldn’t stay asleep So I wrote to him…again and have been writing in my book( not a diary). I am re attempting to start he no-contact rule again. I really believes It’s over though since he hasn’t spoken to me since January 17. I have given up contacting him a few times a few weeks ago, but my feelings are strong which keeps me relapsing again.

  • e.p. February 14, 2015, 1:16 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    After some thinking and calming down I realized I can’t stop him from bringing my daughter around her. He’s going to continue doing it behind my back. I have no other choice but to get use to it. I can however warn him that if I hear anything bad is being done around my daughter(his new gf did/does meth) he will force me to take legal actions.

    You’re right maybe it’s still a rebound since they did get serious very fast but that’s no longer my business. He made his decision. I just have to accept it and let it go. He once admitted to my guy friends he was with her cause she cooked for him and did his laundry.

    Also last night I was sent a screenshot by a friend that he posted on snapchat with her. They were both laying down on the bed and he was giving her a kiss on the cheek. Also they were on our bed and in our room. Where I once lived. But it’s his bed and his room now so I guess. It looked like she was doing laundry cause there was clothes folded around.

    Again not something I should focus on anymore. They probably deserve each other. Her for being a home wrecker and him for being a cheat. I’m just jealous that someone else has him but I have to stop.

    Kevin you’ve helped me a lot even if I have my moments that I fall back, reading your responses give me hope for myself. That its okay to alone. It gives me confidence that everything will work out for me just fine. I just still have some learning to do.

    • e.p. February 15, 2015, 4:44 am

      Also again like always I was sent another screenshot of what he posted on instagram. He posted a picture of her saying that she had stole his heart from the first day they met. He’s only known her for 6 months & that he knows they’re gonna be together forever. Then he said I love you and Happy Valentines Day.

      He use to say the same thing to me. That he knew we weren’t for each other. That we were gonna be together forever. That he’s never felt for any other girl what’s he felt for me. That it was different with me. That I was just the person for him. Now I’m nothing to him.

      But if she supposedly stole his heart then why a couple months we broke up he kept saying he loved me that he never wanted to lose me. That I was everything to him. That he realized I was the only person that would always be there for him. Who is he kidding?

      Did he not mean it? or he did but now he’s saying that because he doesn’t want people to think he’s moving to fast? Everyone keeps saying that it looks like he’s trying to hard, like trying to convince everyone that he’s truly into her and that he’s happy. Like to prove he has someone. He post something about her but then deletes it that same day.

      Valentines day hit me a little. First time in 5 years that I spend it alone without him. We’ve always spent valentine’s day together. I feel down about this whole situation especially cause I saw him say I love you on his post about her. He never said that to any other girl even when we were broken up for 5 months.

      I need to seriously learn how to let everything go. I did tell everyone to stop sending me things or telling me what he does. That I didn’t want to be kept updated on his life cause it only hurts me.

      The pain of a heartbreak is terrible. How do you get over someone when you felt they were the one for you since you met them. When you love them so much you’d do anything for them. I seriously feel we’re meant to be. The way we somehow always were in each others lives since I was 14 is crazy. I felt he was the one. I’m so hurt right now.

      The worst part is as long as he’s happy I’m happy. I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me but it’s just not happening. I want to be happy as well but I don’t know when that’s gonna happen. One thing for sure is I’m ready to go out and people people. I need the distraction.

      • Kevin February 15, 2015, 6:29 am

        Yeah, it’s a good idea to make everyone stop sending you these updates. He is probably trying to hard to convince himself and everyone else around him that he is happy and in a great relationship. He said the same thing to you and cheated on you many times. Guess what’s coming for that girl? I know it sucks, but it gets better. Trust me. I have seen thousands of people get over breakup pain. You should go out and meet people. Get new hobbies and do something new. You are still young and you have a whole life ahead of you. You can’t spend your entire life being cheated on by an immature guy who doesn’t respect you. The breakup was the best thing that happened to you. Try to remember that when you are feeling low next time.

  • e.p. February 15, 2015, 1:04 pm

    Yeah I told them to stop sending me things about him. I need my mind distracted not updated. I know he’ll most likely do it to her as well. I feel like she’s trying to get to me. My friend said she’s been trying to meet my daughter for a while now. She knows I wouldn’t be ok with it but she still wants to. He also said that she’s a shady person. She does cocaine. They also say he’s blinded by her & that she kinda looks like me, which I don’t think so, like at all.

    Well when I see the posts he seems genuinely happy. Maybe to everyone else it’s looks like he’s trying too hard but maybe cause I’m just seeing him with her so it takes me back to when that was us. I am still young and I do need some sort of hobby to get distracted. It hurts and I know with time it’ll hurt less. I’m just still too in love with him.

    Then his cousin was telling me he’ll realize he made a mistake with you and come back but it doesn’t seem like it. That they always come back. I’ve heard all that from his family and friends. Yeah I need to tell me those things every time I’m feeling low.

  • Cec February 16, 2015, 10:12 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I wrote a post but cant find it; Have you received it?

    • Kevin February 17, 2015, 7:00 am

      Hey Cec,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions on the message boards.

  • e.p. February 16, 2015, 7:22 pm

    He’s like moving too fast with her. Even trying to move in together. Everyone says that they just hope and better not get her pregnant.

    • Kevin February 17, 2015, 7:29 am

      Those are signs of rebound.

  • e.p. February 17, 2015, 11:44 am

    Yes! I was reading the article of signs that its a rebound and there’s a couple he does but can you be in love with a person even if it’s a rebound? Cause he told her I love you in a picture he had uploaded of her. Or he thinks he’s in love?

    • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:51 am

      Yes, absolutely.

  • Toby February 17, 2015, 3:09 pm

    Hey Kevin, its me again. I started overthinking my situation again and started wondering if I should try getting her back again.. I know its stupid and pointless and I should give up, but I just can’t. Should I prolong my suffering? Or take as much time as needed like a few months (not caring whether she has a strong relationship or not) and contact and introduce her to the new me, but this time really a new me.. I really don’t know I am really confused. I though saying goodbye will leave me in peace, but I can’t find peace…

    • Toby February 17, 2015, 3:16 pm

      And do you think that choosing the other guy after all, means they are not going to have a rebound relationship? After only 2 months of dating (before she had told him she needs time and space) he had offered her to move in together. Of course I can’t tell if she will agree or not, now that she is with him. Damn I overthink too much…

      • Toby February 17, 2015, 3:31 pm

        I find it extremely hard to accept the fact I will never be with her ever again. I can’t stop hoping for the opposite and that is killing me.

        • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:53 am

          Hey Toby, you can try again. It’s your choice. But even if you want to, you need to grieve and accept the breakup if you want to have a better chance. There is even a chance there relationship won’t work out (it might be a rebound). All the best.

  • e.p. February 18, 2015, 5:53 am

    Hello Kevin,

    So today I found myself being extremely happy. I guess you can say I had a talk with myself and realized I lost nothing here. He did. If anything I gained. I still want him back and I’ll always care about him but as of now I’m finally feeling like I’m finding myself. I have amazing friends who are there for me right now in these tough times. I have my family. Most importantly I have my daughter.

    We’re breathing, we’re healthy, what more can I ask for? I also came down to I’m not ready for any sort of relationship right now. I need to focus on my own goal and purpose which is get a good job and get my own place with my daughter.

    I can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt that he’s not with me BUT I also realized that him breaking up with me was the best thing he did. At least for now. Cause if he never would’ve left me I probably would’ve never walked out or maybe in years from now. God knows how my life would’ve turned out.

    I guess it was a blessing in disguise. Again I would want for us to get back and give our family/relationship a try but not now. I need to focus and be selfish with my time right now. He needs to find himself as well and work on his own personal issues.

    Just like your article said on the rebound, I’m going to let it run its course. The more I try to keep them apart the closer I’ll bring them so I’m just going to let them do their thing and I’m going to do mine. Everyone says it’s a fling,rebound, that he’s blinded but that’s no longer my problem only if it involves my daughter.

    But yes what he does is not my business. It hurts to see it and hear about it so I asked everyone to not keep me updated. I’m happy with life. I use to be upset and feeling like I was being punished for his mistakes since I was left sad and heartbroken and he was all happy in a relationship but he’s lonely.

    He’s empty. He might feel her there now but he’ll eventually think back to me. I know what I brought/bring to the table and I know what I offered and gave to him will be hard to find again. I have faith he’ll come back to his us, his family but I’m not going to let it consume me. I’m not going to be waiting not living life. I’m going to live and live day by day and if I just so happen to meet someone then he’s really going to know what losing someone feels like.

    I just hope I can stay on this track and not fall back. I’m feeling better now, I hate feeling lost and heartbroken. But out of sight out of mind.

    • Kevin February 18, 2015, 8:59 am

      That’s great e.p. Expect a roller coaster ride when it comes to your feelings during breakup grief. But cherish the days when you feel great. :)

  • Maria February 18, 2015, 10:01 am

    Halo Kevin I wrote something and can not find it….

    • Kevin February 19, 2015, 10:05 am

      Hey Maria,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them, please post your question on the message boards here.

  • e.p. February 18, 2015, 12:31 pm

    Yes I have been on a roller coaster ride with my feelings. One day I’m all sad and thinking about him but other days I’m fine and just feel happy. I will cherish those days because I feel great. 😀

  • Anonymous February 19, 2015, 4:13 am

    Kevin, this is fucking fantastic. Thanks man. Did someone break your heart?

    • Kevin February 19, 2015, 10:07 am

      Thanks. I went through a bad breakup a few years ago. I have been doing this since then. :)

  • Frank February 20, 2015, 2:46 pm

    So I followed the steps saw my ex and just had a friendly conversation for about an hour seemed like everything was working perfect she told me she missed me I thought awesome I’ll give it a couple days then see if she’d want to do something so I went to ask her now she’s being super distant, I know she’d be skeptical about a relationship again what should I try?

    • Kevin February 21, 2015, 9:05 am

      Give her more space. A week or two.

  • e.p. February 20, 2015, 5:29 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    I’m starting to believe the relationship he’s in, isn’t necessarily a rebound. Reasons I believe this is, is because on a post of her he said “only known you for half a year” we have 3 months broken up. He also said “you stole my heart from the first day I met you” So that means he’s been into her for some time now.

    Yes I know he’s known her for the same amount of time he’s been working there since she would work there at times with her dad. But only thing I don’t believe is she stole his heart since the start because he was still giving me attention and telling me he didn’t want to lose me. He still told me that a couple weeks before we broke up, telling me how much he loved me.

    He seems to be really into this relationship with her so it must be real right? Or what do you think Kevin? Think he’ll want me back?

    • Kevin February 21, 2015, 9:08 am

      In my experience, a lot of rebounds seem like very intense and passionate relationships. Also, seeing his history, I think he was missing the high you get in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and now that he has it, he is consumed by it. Once the honeymoon phase wears off, they’ll both realise if it’s a real relationship or not. Until then, there is no point in analysing everything. More importantly, you need to stay away from her posts and try to stop obsessing over his relationships.

  • e.p. February 21, 2015, 12:10 pm

    I do need to stop obsessing over his relationship with her. I miss that feeling of being in the honeymoon stage as well but I’m not out looking for it.

    By what I’ve told you so far would you say it’s a rebound? & if he’ll eventually come back to me?

    • Kevin February 22, 2015, 3:47 am

      Yes, and yes. But I can’t say how long it’ll take for his relationship to end. Also, I may be wrong and you should be prepared for the possibility. You should focus on moving on and not depend on him wanting you back in the future.

  • Anjali February 21, 2015, 1:35 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    It’s Anjali. Hope you remember me. I’ve posted here before . I’m the one with the ex who wanted to break up because he was too invested in work/career and didn’t prioritize me enough and we dated for about 2.5 yrs and have been texting on and off lately.

    My ex contacted me on Valentines day to say happy valentine’s day and that he wanted to talk. We talked the next night for 3 hours. For two hours we just talked and it was really fun. We still have a lot of chemistry. I thought we were just catching up and conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere serious .Then, he suddenly got kind of emotional and started saying he loves me, he misses me, and he misses a lot of things about our relationship. He asked me if I wanted to visit him ( he’s across the country) and if i would be in the same city in him over the summer. He also mentioned briefly he’d looked at jobs in / around my city but hadn’t found anything. I told him I wasn’t willing to do that because it was a hassel lying to my parents but he was welcome to come see me. I also said i had another internship i was prioritizing in another city so if i got that i would do that….but I also did reciprocate his emotion and told him I still love him too/ would be willing to try things again. He said he wants things to work out between us but is worried that he is still not “mature enough” and too work focused and things would go back to the way before. I suggested taking it slow/ talking on the without any sort of obligation because it was really fun and see where it goes and he agreed with that. He also asked me why i loved him because he knew he’d been a really shitty boyfriend.

    Overall, it seemed like he was being quite genuine and vulnerable because he is usually not a very emotionally expressive. Thinking back I’m not sure if I did the right thing. Talking was really fun and it has been the past couple times we’ve caught up without the burden of the broken long distance relationship we had. I think he’s realized that he lost something important to him and it has been hard to get over me for him too.

    I’m not sure if I should be harder though and instead should tell him that if he thinks he’s not “mature” theres things he can change and fix to be with me and he should find me once he gets his ***t together. I’m not sure if what is saying is just nonsense and he doesn’t actually love me enough to be with me. I’m not sure if this technique would be more effective in terms of getting him back or keep talking in a friendly way/ be responsive but not initiate much and make him chase me because he misses me. I still want to be with him but I don’t want to screw this up now that I know he does want to be with me. On one hand, I think that talking on the phone once in a while with the chemistry we had might help rebuild things into a better relationship. On the other hand, I’m worried that it will make me seem to easy and it won’t go anywhere. Right now, I do think I have the upper hand to some extent and I could either really use it and cut him off or keep things in status quo. What do you think will work best?

    • Kevin February 22, 2015, 4:24 am

      Hey Anjali,

      I think talking to him occasionally until he gets his life together and become mature enough for a relationship is a good idea. Don’t cut him off completely, but don’t be too available either. Don’t be needy and let him make all the moves. Let him initiate contact most of the time and don’t move to some other city just for him (don’t make big life changes for him).

  • Aly February 21, 2015, 6:18 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    The past few days have been tough to say the least.
    Its been feeling virtually impossible to do no contact since we have classes together, live near each other, share all the same friends and his work is less than a fifteen minute walk from mine.
    When he needs something like for me to call the health clinic he will stop at nothing to get a hold of me. He’s said he cares about me and my safety but thats it. That he will never date me again because of how bad he perceives our old relationship. He’s protective and worries about me but says he feels nothing romantically. Him and his extremely young girlfriend are still together (3 months now) and I’m worried its not a rebound though he’s told his friends he realistically doesnt see them lasting. He held my hand and told me he has faith in me when it comes to my decisions about the pregnancy but thats about it. It feels like he’s in control of everything and has the door closed on me. He said he knows how much his new girlfriend bothers me even though I denied it for over an hour. I don’t know how to revive love or what to do. I thought I had a good chance and their relationship was weakening but it feels like she has him on lock. And I don’t know what to say or do when it comes to him. I’m afraid if I do no contact itll just separate us more and if I get an abortion and do no contact he will just permenantly exit my life.

    • Kevin February 22, 2015, 4:28 am

      Like I said before, no contact is your best bet. It’s the only way to take the power from him.

  • e.p. February 22, 2015, 12:21 pm

    I’m prepared for the possibility that it isn’t. I am trying to move on and not depend on him coming back. I don’t want to be disappointed if he doesn’t so I’m just trying to let him go slowly. Deep inside I can almost be 100% sure that he’ll come back to me once he gets over this BUT I don’t want to think about that.

    I’m going to see him tomorrow, we’re going to take our daughter to the doctors. Anyways what if I tell him “I know he’s going to continue bringing that girl around our daughter so I might as well get use to it” & somehow add that I’m seeing someone too (which I’m not) but just to put that in his head and maybe he’d get jealous or at least he’ll have that in his head.

    Do you think I should do that? Or is that playing too many games?

    • Kevin February 23, 2015, 10:41 am

      Don’t do that. There’s no need to lie. He is already quite jealous of how you are handling yourself after the breakup. Which is the reason he feels the need to prove how happy he is in his new relationship. Playing into his game will only make him feel better about himself. As for the girl, if the topic comes up, let him know that you are OK with it (only do it if you ARE actually OK with it).

  • anjali February 22, 2015, 3:26 pm

    Thank, I will do that then and continue to talk to him occsasionally. he texted me that he loves me last night. Should I reciprocate when he expresses emotion like that?

    • Kevin February 23, 2015, 10:42 am

      It’s tricky. I will recommend you don’t. But there isn’t any harm in doing it either. Save it for when he wants to get back in a relationship.

  • e.p. February 23, 2015, 11:22 am

    Yeah I was thinking about it and it’s pretty petty of me to do that. Also if he was to find out I was lying it’d make me look pretty pathetic.

    I’m not fully ok with it but I’d rather him not do it behind my back cause I know he’s still going to bring her around our daughter if that’s what he wants to do, but, so then don’t bring it up myself?

  • e.p. February 23, 2015, 3:06 pm

    So I just saw him. We didn’t bring up the girl, we talked about me. About what’s been happening with me. He seem very interested as he kept asking more questions. Although I do feel I messed up since I maybe said too much information about me but since it’s been good things happening I just kept answering.

    He was saying good for you, that’s good, that job would be great! Etc… also since he’s not working right now I had gave him money for going to pick us up at least for gas and he just kept saying thank you, thank you. Maybe a little too generous but it was something I felt. Anyways I’m glad we can still be ok when all the b.s. is put to the side.

    I tried to not show him that his presence bothers me and like gets to me. I want him to see that I’m ok with being around him.

    • Matt February 24, 2015, 12:30 am

      Hey Kevin,

      I tried writing you earlier and my post said waiting approval. I was not sure if it was received or not.

      • Kevin February 24, 2015, 7:23 am

        Hey Matt,

        The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post on the message boards.

  • e.p. February 24, 2015, 12:04 am

    Also quick question.
    I seen a job opportunity that he can qualify for and I know he’s not working do you think if I send him the information it’ll look like I’m just trying to talk to him? Or just don’t tell him anything about the job. It’s an agency but it’ll be something.
    Sorry it’s 3 different post but everything happened at different times.

    • Kevin February 24, 2015, 7:22 am

      Yes, you should tell him. Just send him a short email (if he checks his mail) or a text. Don’t turn it into a conversation.

  • e.p. February 24, 2015, 9:11 am

    Also when I saw him. We didn’t bring up the girl, we talked about me. About what’s been happening with me. He seem very interested as he kept asking more questions. Although I do feel I messed up since I maybe said too much information about me but since it’s been good things happening I just kept answering.

    He was saying good for you, that’s good, that job would be great! Etc… also since he’s not working right now I had gave him money for going to pick us up at least for gas and he just kept saying thank you, thank you. Maybe a little too generous but it was something I felt. Anyways I’m glad we can still be ok when all the b.s. is put to the side.

    I tried to not show him that his presence bothers me and like gets to me. I want him to see that I’m ok with being around him.

    • Kevin February 25, 2015, 8:32 am

      I don’t think you messed up. To put it simply, you can’t mess up no matter what you do around him. The only way for you to mess up is to keep obsessing over him and not move on with your life. What you do in front of him is kind of irrelevant because both of you shouldn’t get back together. If he wants you back in the future, you can decide at that point if you want to get back together or not (after taking into consideration how much he is sincere and willing to change). But until then, there’s no point in figuring out the “right” or “wrong” actions. Your mind will always try to obsess over little things simply because it doesn’t want to let go, but it won’t matter in the end.

  • Matt February 24, 2015, 9:27 am

    Hello Kevin,

    I wanted to reach out to you as it seems you give good advise. My ex gf of 3 years cheated on me and is still seeing the guy. She says they are just friends but she lied to me and spent a weekend with this guy and then told me she no longer wants to see me and does not want me to contact her. Now from the time she cheated till the time she saw this guy again was about 3 weeks or so (it could have been sooner but she would have hid it from me). Now she says he just keeps in contact with her. During these 3 weeks my ex was living with me in another state and told me that she was leaving me because she feels in her heart that we are not meant t be together and that she does not love me how she should to marry me and that she hates the way i talk to her which she said turns her off to me. So i broke down like any normal guy would but then i respected the fact she was leaving in 2 days. now i gave her all the space she needed to pack up all her things the next day and i went about taking her off my insurance to show i accepted the break up. Now i got home late that day and she had not packed a single thing. I asked her what was going on and she said she does not have a single reason today on why she wants to leave. so i continued giving her space to pack. finally mid night i said to her you need to make a decision. So she stayed. now this time living on this other state was a hard time and she became really depressed there. So i mentioned to her to go visit her family back home. she contemplated but then decided to go. A few days before she was going to leave she talked about going on a vacation by herself a few hours away from home to clear her head. i told her it was strange but she was depressed so i said if she needed to do it then do it. I also told her that if she was going to meet someone there to tell me. she said she wont be meeting anyone there. Turns out she did meet someone there. She said they did not sleep together and that he was a really old friend who helps her get over relationships. (i find it hard to believe she did not have sex with this guy). However, she kept to her story about not sleeping with the guy. she called me after her vacation and said she did does not want to be with me anymore and that she was not in love with me and that i will find someone who will fit all my needs. I pleaded with her. We talked about some of the problems we had in the relationship. over the next few days we talked on the phone. she talked about us having resentment for each other and how she needed some space and that we could start being friends and then work on dating. I ended up moving back home a week later and she flew up to help me move since most of her things were in that house. On the ride she was avoiding talking about us and everything. she kept saying she does not know if she wants to be with me right now. we stopped at a few hotels. i came onto her and we were intimate a few times. She also came and cuddled with me numerous times and told me she loved me. She held my hand in the car on the trip here and there and said she loved me back. she said she would think about getting back with me that i just need to give her till next week. so toward the end of the trip we got into an argument and she cried and i told her i wanted nothing ever to do with her when we got back. i asked her what was even going to be her decision and she said she wanted to work on things but not like this. So we talked and decided too work on things. for the next couple of days she was just acting disconnected and treating me like a friend. I brought her flowers to her job one day but she seemed not too taken by it. later that day i asked her to stop by and we talked. she said she had her guard up with me and that’s why she acted that way toward the flowers. she asked why i brought them. i said to be sweet and that i was thinking of her. She then went on to tell me that she did not know if she wanted to be with me still and that she wanted to be friends right now and work on things later. i told her i could not be friends with her and it was not going to work that way. she left pictures of us at my house so i packed all them up and gave them to her. she said why and i said because i do not want to be reminded of someone who does not want to be with me. for the next two weeks i still texted her and called her and she would still tell me things going on in her life and she kept growing more angry because i kept asking her to hang out. she said i was not over it. She also talked about if she started seeing someone else would i get mad. She started lying about her days off which was to hang out with this guy on Valentines day and spent the weekend there. i found out because i put two and two together. She told me before Valentines weekend that she would consider dating me again. but then went and hung out with this other guy. i bugged her through texts and told her how i felt it was wrong to leave me in the shadows and hang out with that guy. she told me to just stop and that she is sorry i am hurting. then she texted me then next week and said she no longer wants to see me and that she does not want to contact me. Throughout this whole ordeal, she was very cold and emotionless. she did seem like she liked me chasing her though like it was feeling good to her that she made me like this. so i have not contacted her since. but 2 days later she blocked me on fb when an old ex gf liked a photo she was tagged in. then she deleted her fb right after another girl like my photo and my old ex posted something on my wall. could have been coincidence but the timing of the events is what i was looking at. then 6 days later my current ex hacked someones (a female friend) fb that she works with and that i am friends with on fb and wrote a shot out saying that this persons favorite person is my ex and that my ex makes this persons life complete. to me it sounds too coincidental to me. especially the wording. and that is not normal behavior of my ex. so i still ignored it and have not said much. My other ran into her and said she seemed good and was smiling and laughing with her female friend. But i am so confused still on why she would put a post like that after the no contact in place. and through her telling me she did not want to be with me she was flaunting how happy she was to be single and she is enjoying being single and doing what she wants and she was tired of doing what everyone wants her to do. She also told me to go hang out with other girls and stay busy. So i just remain with the no contact. my question is since i messed up and looked super desperate and did not give her space and it came to her telling me she did not want to see me anymore…. what do you think the chances are that she will come back around? she said she was over it when she did not want to be with me. but i find it so hard to believe. she has always been a bottled person. Should i just let her contact me or should i reach out to her in a month or so? before i bugged her to much before she made her decision, she did make plans with me to hang out the next week and see how things go. but i believe she knew she was going to hang out with this dude the weekend before. could you help me out Kevin?

  • Matt February 24, 2015, 9:29 am

    Kevin,

    I forgot to mention that she kept saying she will not be pressured into getting back into a relationship with me. and that she did not want to be with me right now.

  • Matt February 24, 2015, 9:30 am

    Kevin,

    I forgot to mention that she kept saying she will not be pressured into getting back into a relationship with me.

  • Matt February 25, 2015, 8:54 am

    Kevin,
    So I have done everything wrong in the book after my ex gf cheated with an old friend she kept secret from everyone and and broke up with me. we did spend time after the whole cheating thing and we slept together and she told me she loved me and came to cuddle with me. Later that week She said that she did not know if she wanted to be with me. Then as I pressured her she said she did not want to be with me right now and had this whole plan of talking, then being friends, then working on things. Then I told her I could not do that and we had to part ways because I could not be friends with her. Then I broke down and did everything wrong in the book
    like not giving her space to begging, over the next few days. through all this it’s like she became colder and was also communitcating with the guy and she lied to me and said she would not go out on valintines day but I put 2 and 2 together and realized she went and spent the weekend with the guy. Through out this she also was almost flaunting how happy she was living single life and telling me this guy just keeps in contact with her. I felt like she strung me along to see if things would work out with the other guy. But the whole weekend she asked me to not contact her but once again bugged her. After her weekend with him she then texted me that she made her decision if she wanted to work on things and said she no longer wants to see me or for me to contact Her. I have not contacted her since. she also blocked me on fb the next day after my old ex commented on a picture she was tagged in And then the next day she deleted her fb when another girl liked my photo… It could be coincidence but the timing was to good. Then 6 days after her telling me to contact Her she hacked a co workers fb that she knows I am friends with and posted that this female co-workers favorite person is my ex and that that female would be incomplete without her. I ignored the comment as I felt it was directed to get a ride out of me. Could be coincidence again but to good to not be. It’s been about 10 days since no contact And I can pony imagine she is still talking to this guy and hanging out with him. I just find it hard to believe she is over me that fast. What should I do? What do you think my chances are?

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:21 am

      You should do no contact for at least three months. She cheated on you and she is incredibly manipulative and dramatic. Unless you want a lot of drama and get cheated on again, you should stay away from her. But it has to be your choice, not mine. Do no contact for 3 months, and I mean complete no contact. Remove her from social media, don’t talk about her with mutual friends, nothing. And if after that you still want her back, then contact her. Trust me, you will still have a pretty good chance. But still, don’t consider taking her back unless she shows remorse and is willing to work on building the trust back again (because it is going to be really hard to do that).

      • Matt February 27, 2015, 2:20 pm

        Kevin,

        Thanks for the advice. I do have a few more questions Though. She did noT show remorse from the beginning when she was caught. Now she says she did not sleep with this guy just talked with him… But I have my doubts. If she did not show remorse from the beginning is that necessarily a bad thing? She did get angry every time I called her out on hanging out with him after. She also turned her family on me to think it was all my fault. I just don’t know what to think. What am I suppose to do if she contacts me before or even after those 3 months? I mean this girl crushed my heart And even gave herself to another man and then told me that she was sorry I was hurting. she wasn’t sorry for doing the act she was just sorry I was hurting… And she is like on a high right now at the fact that she crushed me and had the power to tell me not to contact Her.

        • Kevin February 28, 2015, 2:09 am

          Yes, it’s a bad thing that she didn’t show any remorse. And it’s even worse that you gave her enough power to crush you more. But that doesn’t matter. Once you start no contact, you will realise this breakup was a blessing in disguise. You will realise that you dodged a bullet there. And if she tries contacting you, don’t answer her. If she continues, tell her you need time and space and you’ll appreciate it if she doesn’t contact you for a while.

          • Matt February 28, 2015, 3:55 am

            Do you think someone like that can ever change and develop a conscious ? The thing is I always new something was off about her. She was always distant. She was sexually abused as a child and I think it had a lot to do with who she is today. I tried to tell her she needs help but she said she got help as a kid and she does not need to see anyone. But she is in denial. She needs mental help. I felt so compelled to save her and to protect her. That’s why I was so crushed that she did this to me after all I did for her. She threw every excuse at me on why she does not want to be with me. Anywhere from well it’s the way you talk to me… And she said I need to work on my self and she needs to work on herself. She even tried telling me she was not sexually satisfied which sounds like bs because she was the one who got more pleasure than I did. It’s just hard to understand everything that happened and how fast it happened and spirlrd down hill. It’s like she wanted me to be jealous of this other guy and compete with him. And in the long run I looked desprite and the other guy didn’t so he got the best of her. Now I just want the satisfaction of getting her back so then I could get even and get my self esteem back then leave her and move on with my life. I guess you can say I want to get even…. Is that the wrong thing to do?

          • Kevin March 1, 2015, 7:04 am

            Yes, that’s a very wrong thing to do. Not only morally but because it’s going to take a lot out of you if you start playing into her games. A better idea will be to move on. You know how they say the best revenge is living well? That’s the best way to go in your situation. And yes, someone like her can change, but it usually takes years of therapy and it’s very rare. And I won’t recommend you sit around waiting for that to happen.

          • Matt February 28, 2015, 5:01 am

            I mean what if it was the way I talked to her… Sometimes we got into heated arguements. And I would ignore her for sometime till things killed over… I said some mean things to her too. But, I don’t kmow… If you love someone you work on issues together wouldn’t you say? It still makes no sense on why she would lie to me then make plans to cheat on me behind my back. She did cry and say she knows she hurt me a few days after cheating.
            . But then she also kept trying to justicy what she did was right. But when I told her no it was wrong and that she knew it was wrong she said yea she knew it was wrong when she was doing it but did not seem remorse full. I mean was this her nature to cheat or do you think she just broke mentally… She said to me that she always felt something was missing from the relationship… But why stay with me for almost 3 years…. She asked me if counseling would help us an. I shut the idea down because I was upset at her and I felt I put more into the relationship than she did. She never tried spicing our love life up. but know that she has interest in another guy shes working out more and eating way better and got her old job back and is shopping buying new clothes and even got back on birth control to have better sex… All for this guy… And I even told her that the not being on birth control was really a barrier in me getting pleasure… So it’s like I don’t know what to think… Did I mess up so much she turned cold…. Was it my fault…. If it was should I try winning her back …. I am so lost…. Like I can move on and all … But I have a strong love for her. Stronger than I ever felt before. I mean she is young age 22 and I am 28 … Could I be mad at her for wanting to explore at a young age… I did meat her when she was 19 and had already 8 partners… So it’s like she has had a fair share…. I just do not know what to think. Now I think she is seeing that guy she kept secret from everyone who is 34. But I don’t know for sure…. Should I even bother with this girl anymore…. could it have been all my fault ? She has always been in a constant state of ” she does not know.” Like was always worried about something or uneased … Like she would always pick at her finger tip skin and I would tell her that’s not normal.

          • Kevin March 1, 2015, 7:06 am

            It wasn’t your fault. Your relationship would have ended the same way no matter what you did. The only thing you could have done is broke up with her sooner when you saw the signs of her being manipulative or a cheater (and there were probably signs).

          • Matt March 1, 2015, 3:55 am

            And if she comes back around and we get back together… How many times will she seek outside the relationship.. is this always going to be a concern for me that she will seek outside the relationship ? epecially as easy as she did …Its all puzzle to me. Is like this guy sweet talked her and all she could see was wanting to be intamite with this guy. And even told me she no longer wants to see me and does not want to contact her anymore. It’s like she is blindsided and does not care…

          • Kevin March 1, 2015, 7:09 am

            If she comes back, you should not get back together unless you are absolutely sure she will not do it again. And for you to be absolutely sure, she needs to show that she is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust and make the relationship work. Unless she does, you should not accept her back.

          • Matt April 24, 2015, 6:16 pm

            Hey Kevin,

            So I tried to obey what you avdvised me to do which was complete no contact. I got three weeks into it and had a relapse and texted her twice about 3 days apart. She did not block my number but and she got my text but she never answered. One text was about a key to my front gate that I needed and another was about being friends with benefits…. I know very stupid of me. Anyways I went into no contact once again and it’s been about 45 days since I lasted reached out and it’s been about 2.5 months since she told me not to contact her anymore. I am pretty sure that she moved in with the guy she cheated on me with and about a month ago. I could be wrong but my guesses have been right thus far. I have not heard from here since she last texted me not to contact her. I have mixed feelings still and I get the urge to conract her and think about her miss her so on and so forth. I have went out with a few girls already but just no sparks yet. I feel if I contact her she will think I am weak and she will gain power again. Should I just keep hanging in there on no contact? Or reach out to her? What did you mean when you said the relationship would have ended the same way no matter what? Is she a sociopath you think ? I keep getting dragged into these thoughts that its my fault. I think it has a lot to do with her mother texting me that it was my fault her daughter cheated when all of this drama went down. But I don’t know I think I was responsible and doing everything a man should have been doing which was taking care of the house hold. I mean I was working 85 hours a week, managing all he bills, etc while she just had to go to school which she didn’t. She also had to cook and clean which she did about 80 % of the time. While I was working she was busy making devastating plans behind my back and starting rows with me. Anyways, I do appreciate your advice. Should I really just give up hope on wanting to be with her? Everyone tells me I am crazy to want to be with her still after all she has done.

          • Kevin April 25, 2015, 8:05 am

            Hey Matt,

            I wouldn’t go so far as calling her a sociopath. But she has issues and I don’t think it’ll be possible for you to have a long healthy relationship with her. Her mother calling you and blaming you for the cheating is just the icing on the cake. You can see where her remorselessness comes from. I will recommend you start no contact again. Do it at least for 3 months. Date other girls during this time. If possible get therapy. Her cheating on you was not your fault. I am pretty sure she will cheat on the next guy as well. You can’t control her behaviour. You can however, build yourself back up again, and find someone who will make you happy. So, start no contact again and do not break it this time. No matter what.

          • Matt April 26, 2015, 8:43 am

            Yea I agree; I do not think I could have a healthy relationship with her. i think she is screwed up in the head. There is a lot of things I left out to describe what she has done. But the sickest part is that the guy she cheated on me with and is still with… He is 10 years older than her and has been “hanging out” with her since she was 15 years old. She knows the relationship with this guy was in appropriate she she kept him secret and she admitted that she did not want anyone to pass judgement on her and that now she is older no one can tell her what to do. She also said she is sick of everyone telling her what to do and that she wanted to “lose” herself. She also mentioned that this guy has only been dating around and has not found “the one” which it seems to me like she was trying extra hard to be “the one” for him. I believe that her relationship with this guy is way inappropriate but there’s nothing I can do about it as she has silenced me by stretigically getting everyone on her side. So this is one of the main reasons I do not think her relationship with this guy will not end anytime soon. When she had did all this she made sure to put me down in every way and to do things that showed she had ZERO respect for me. I mean do people like her ever regret what they do?

          • Kevin April 27, 2015, 4:20 am

            In some instances, they do. If somehow they realise there is something wrong with them and decide to get professional help. But that shouldn’t be any of your business. Because even if she were to regret her actions, it won’t be anytime soon. You should be concentrating on moving on and removing her completely from your life.

          • Matt May 14, 2015, 1:39 pm

            Kevin,
            Say theoretically I wanted to tech out to her and get back with her… What would be the best way to approach her? The bottom line is that she cheated, was really disrepectful after, minipulative, lied a whole lot, turned her family against me, said the most hateful thinks to me like I am going to be a bad husband and a bad father and that she is not satisfied with me and even went to great lengths of trying to make me feel jealous by saying how all these guys are hitting on her and that the guy she cheated on me with is just friends and stays in touch. she even poked fun and seemed to enjoy toying with me about telling me how good I looked but then in the same sentence she did that she did not know if she wanted to rip my clothes off and have sex with me and when I tried to have sex with her she said its not going to happen because she does not want to cloud her judgement…. Makes no sense to me especially after she told me she is not satisfied with me and that she wants to loose herself in sex but then says she does not want Rush into a relationship right now… But then moves in with this other guy a month after all this…. Makes no sense. But say I wanted to get her back…. What would be the best way to approach her / reach out to her and try to win her back?

          • Matt May 14, 2015, 1:47 pm

            I also forgot to mention that she has not tried reaching out to me at all since she told me not to contact her and that she no longer wants to see me. But I recently found out that she either got fired or quit her job she just got back a month after she told me to not contact her anymore and around the same time I suspected she moved in with this guy… In addition, her. Brother told me that his sister has cheated before and has trouble understanding why it’s wrong… He also told her that she could not sleep around with married guys at my new job sight when I was with her which I questioned but she said she did not know why he would say something like that but at the same time she was smerking. One of the last times I spoke to this girl she was laughing and asking me if I was mad and asking me if I was going to kill her…. This statement blew my mind because I have never threatened or payed a hand on her in that way. Does that sound like a girl is normal?

          • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:46 am

            Hey Matt,

            No, the girl doesn’t sound normal. I recently read somewhere that in a relationship there is never only one crazy person. There are always two. It makes sense to me from personal experience and from helping so many people with breakups and relationships. So, if you want to be with her, then guess what, you are not normal either. Instead of trying to figure out how to get back with her, I’ll recommend you try to figure out why you want to be with her. Work on learning more about yourself and what lead you into a relationship with a person like her and what is compelling you to still want to be with her and keeping you obsessed with her.

          • Matt May 15, 2015, 12:33 am

            Also, it has been about 2 1/2 months since I last contacted her. If I wait too long, won’t this limit the chances I have to getting her back? Especially if she moved in with the new guy one month afrer last speaking with me…

          • Matt May 17, 2015, 11:01 pm

            Well I got in conract with her. She told me she got married two months ago to the guy she ran off with. She told me how happy she was and they they are going to try for kids soon. She told me that she fell in love with this guy 6 years ago when she first layed eyes on him. She told me that marrying him was the best decision of her life and she is so happy. She still had zero simpathy for cheating on me with him. She said she knew that’s who she wanted to be with and that she is sorry I was caught in the middle. She said she did not use me that she was only laying to herself about marrying me. She told me that she went to Italy for her hubby moon and it was great. She then told me that she is needs to not talk to me anymore as it’s rude she’s talking to me on the phone and her husband does not know. I called her out and said she was talking with thingy and spent a weekend with him behind my back. She said it’s different she is married not and there are boundaries. Then we got off the phone. She then texred me 20 minutes later and said to please keep the conversation private as she does not want her marriage tovbe ruined if he were to find out. She set a marriage with cheating and lying. Anyways I just wanted to get your final take on that. There was more to the convo but too much to type. She also told me that she is not going to block my number but if I keep calling her and texting her she will. I had not texted her the other day. Then she told me to only communicate through email the that she is only to use email to communicate with me and not suppose to talk on the phone with me because it is rude to her husband.

          • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:59 am

            I hope you got enough closure to not talk to her ever again. I will not be surprised if she contacts you after a while. If she does, completely ignore her. This girl is probably going to cheat on her husband as well. I just hope you don’t allow yourself to be the one she cheats on him with. You deserve better than her. Do complete no contact and move on with your life.

          • Matt May 21, 2015, 11:40 am

            Thanks Kevin. I really appreciate you helping me through this rough time. You give good advise. I guess it’s one of those things where you ignore your own internal instincts. I seen her for what she was in the beginning of the relationship but by then it was too late she had me brain washed with the image of her being a great girl. I just ignored my instincts and gave her the benefit of the doubt. But now I realize she is a person with a lot of issues that have really bad outcomes. Her previous relationships before me were train recks. I was the only one who stuck it out so long. I had one more email convo with her and based on her reponse I concluded she is using me to make her new husband jealous and trying to hurt me at the same time. She is a manipulating liar and I realized I cannot believe anything she says because it’s BS. I stuck it out so long because her family embraced me into their lives, which I though was because they cared for me. However, in the end they all turned on me because their daughter minipulated them into thinking I was bad to her even though she lied to them and they know that she lied about cheating. But, I should have seen this coming because her mother only talks about have a “provider.” Like mother like daughter. Either way I blocked her completely and I am looking in the present and future. Once again I appreciate you for what you do Kevin.

  • Paul February 25, 2015, 9:53 am

    Well, it’s been over a month since we broke up, and now I feel it’s the time to break the no-contact period. But, looks like she got a new boyfriend (guess it’s that rebound relationship). Should I wait until they break up, or should I contact her now? Thanks

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:22 am

      If you satisfy all the points mentioned in the checklist (Step 4), then you should contact her, regardless of her having a new boyfriend.

  • e.p. February 25, 2015, 7:02 pm

    So they live together now & have been for probably 2 weeks. Anyways some random girl messaged me on Facebook saying that she knew his new girlfriend too and where they’re from she’s known for being an easy girl. She also told me that she ruined her relationship with her kids dad.

    She was telling me that she’s a homewrecker and she always does this. She also told me that my ex’s new girlfriend messages her still talking crap to her about her now again boyfriend(baby dad). She was telling me that his new girlfriend was only living with my ex cause she needed somewhere to live and that she was sure that as soon as her baby dad got out of jail she was gonna leave my ex to go mess with her man again.

    She said she’s been putting up with this girl for 4 years or so. That she doesn’t leave her boyfriend alone. This girl also said she messaged my ex telling him everything about her cause apparently my ex was liking all this girls pictures on instagram and so she called him out and sent it to his new girlfriend saying “Your man is being thirsty” etc. so in other words he might be doing her dirty too.

    After I was messaging with this girl for a while I came down to not caring about their relationship anymore. It’s fake and I’m more of a woman than her. He said she was when I first found out and that hurt but now I know I’m worth more. They don’t phase me anymore. Still don’t want her around my daughter.

    She was telling me a lot of things and just said worry about yourself and daughter believe me he’s going to see he messed up. I realized I’m so much better than this to be losing my focus on them. This girl helped to see that this girl is nowhere near my level. She’ll never have what we had. They both will see that soon. Now I don’t really want him back. But we’ll see in the future but as of now I’m over him and her. I want someone who will appreciate me and love me.

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:27 am

      This just confirmed everything we talked about their relationship. Hold on to that thought about not wanting him back.

  • anjali February 26, 2015, 7:19 am

    Hi Kevin,

    So last night he texted me he loves me, and misses me so much, and he’s been looking at my pictures all the time. i’m really confused now. i’m not sure if i should just keep playing it cool or be like” nothing is stopped you from being with me. you could still find jobs around here if you wanted like you said.”

    I’m not sure if that is being pushy or would be appropriate given what he’s generally been saying and since he’s been texting me a lot. i just don’t know how to handle this situation. am i supposed to put my foot down and tell him to get his ***t together or keep just being responsive for this to go anywhere constructive.

    • Kevin February 26, 2015, 10:30 am

      Hey Anjali,

      I know it’s hard, but I’ll recommend you wait a little longer. Let him make the moves for a while. If he doesn’t or you just can’t take it anymore, then you can go ahead with putting your foot down and/or telling him to get job where you are. However, and this is the important part, if he rejects you, then you should tell him to cut contact and that you can’t let him continue stringing you along and stopping you from moving on.

  • anjali February 26, 2015, 11:55 am

    i’m not sure what to do anymore. i feel like on one end my gut says that talking like this could be the beginning of a new relationship. on the other end it says this is his way of just staying commitment free while having me in his life too, which isn’t fair to me. i’m not sure which feeling is stronger.

    • Kevin February 27, 2015, 7:10 am

      Both of them are right. How about this? Give yourself a time limit. A month, two weeks. Whatever suits you. If things don’t progress in that much time, then tell him what’s on your mind.

  • e.p. February 26, 2015, 12:40 pm

    Yes it does. If he did it to me he’d do it to her. The girl messaged me again saying that my ex’s new girlfriend wrote a letter to her boyfriend in jail and he received it yesterday.

    Unfortunately I was trying to keep this away from my family. I didn’t want them to find out cause we all the new gf but my aunt found out and told me something. She also said how my ex’s new girlfriend has a boyfriend in jail that she supposedly loves. This confirmed that, that boyfriend in jail is the random girl’s baby daddy. Funny how this whole drama only revolves around 5 people, we’re all connected.

    Yeah I’m trying to hold on to not wanting him back cause I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and I just want to feel that anymore.

    • Kevin February 27, 2015, 7:13 am

      His life has been constant drama for a long time. When you were with him, your life was as well. The breakup is your opportunity to get out of the drama and live a healthy life where you can grow and concentrate on achieving your goals.

  • andrew February 27, 2015, 12:59 pm

    did my post not get approved because it isn’t a heterosexual relationship? We need advice to…

    • Kevin February 28, 2015, 2:07 am

      Hey Andrew,

      The posts here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post in the message boards and it’ll be approved within 24 hours. It has nothing to do with your relationship being heterosexual or homosexual.

      • Richard March 6, 2015, 1:32 pm

        If the post don’t get approved are we notified via mail or do we just have to wait and se if it pops up?

        • Kevin March 7, 2015, 7:54 am

          Hey Richard,

          You don’t get an email. This is why I started the message boards. Your post will get approved within 24 hours and after that you are free to post whenever you want. Moreover, you get an email every time someone replies and you have the ability to subscribe to topics.

  • Matt February 28, 2015, 3:04 am

    hey Kevin, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I responded back to your post but I did it directly under our conversation…. I was not sure if your able to see that or not. In that response I did have a few more questions if you don’t mind. Thanks again for your time.

  • A.K.J February 28, 2015, 8:59 pm

    Hi Kevin!
    I broke up with my ex about almost 2 weeks ago, it was a mutual decision, as he said he lost feelings and didn’t want to love anymore and wanted to be single.
    So I agreed and then we broke up, we’ve made no contact since. But I started missing him alot and so I came to your site. I was glad I was doing the no contact thing right from the start. However, my friend got into a conversation with him just yesterday and he told her he’s gladly moving on from me and has no feelings for me anymore. What do I do? Please do reply fast as it’s been giving me sleepless nights now a days.
    Thanks in advance!

    -Aakriti

    • Kevin March 1, 2015, 7:08 am

      Just because your friend says so doesn’t mean it’s true. A lot of people are very good at hiding their true state from the world (and sometimes even themselves). Give him time. And don’t obsess over his progress during no contact. Concentrate on your progress.

    • emily March 12, 2015, 1:42 pm

      Hey dont worry if he is going to move on then you should its obvious he isn’t right for you and yes I know you feelings will say different but you deserve better if he thinks that

    • adam March 13, 2015, 6:33 pm

      you never know;he could have visited this website just like you are! I think he might be saying that he’s moving on, but he’s really thinking about you

  • Andy March 2, 2015, 8:16 am

    Apologies for the long comment/post!

    I’ve been going through the no-contact phase for 3 weeks now (tried it previously but did actually make contact a few times, and even had a few really good ‘general chats’ for between 45-60 minutes each with ex on the phone – she even provisionally agreed to meet up for coffee/drink but in my view has been blowing hot and cold ever since given the subsequent messages I have received!) but wanted to try and do this properly.

    The issue is that having had absolutely NO contact whatsoever at all for a while I’m beginning to think that my ex is forgetting about me completely and moving on, thinking I have probably given up trying to contact her! It’s all very confusing as I want her to still have some thoughts about me, even if they are not in a ‘romantic’ way right now as I realise she needs time (but therein lies another problem…how much time does someone need until they realise they might have done the ‘wrong’ thing by splitting up).

    All this time I’ve been working on ‘improving myself’, de-cluttering at home (which is actually very therapeutic), going out for exercise, getting involved with charity work in an advisory role etc., but unfortunately I have been unlucky on the work front as a I am semi-freelance worker (something I did while we were together which she accepted/understood). Given the need to project elements of ‘security’ and ‘stability’ to a partner should I wait until I have my work position more stable before looking to get back in serious contact with her or drop her the occasional message to let her know I’m still interested in her life?

    Should I write her a handwritten (NOT typed!) letter to let her know exactly how I feel, given that I may not get the opportunity to say the things I want to in person?

    • Kevin March 2, 2015, 9:58 am

      Hey Andy,

      She will either realise that she made a mistake, or she will realise that breaking up was a good option and will start thinking about moving on. Either way, you will have the opportunity to re-attract her after no contact is over. If you have made changes, she will notice it and will realise the new relationship will not be the same as the old one and hopefully will want to get back together (even if she thinking about moving on during no contact). If she doesn’t then you gave it your best shot and you should try to move on as well.

      Do not write a letter telling her how you feel. Only follow the template mentioned in the article. Keep it short so as to leave things to her imagination. You don’t have to wait until you have your work position stable. As long as you are working towards a stable work position and are passionate about it, you are as good and attractive as someone who has security and stability.

  • jenny March 2, 2015, 8:54 am

    kevin
    plzzzz help me I am hell upset I cannot sleep whole night.i am very disappointed.my bf suddenly leave without telling any reason he is not takibg my calls and not relying my text even he blocked me whats app I am hell upset I want him back.i did begging and lot of plead but he is not replying what I should do now.help me…

    • Kevin March 2, 2015, 9:58 am

      You should follow the plan Jenny.

  • e.p. March 2, 2015, 4:54 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    It’s been a couple of days since I last posted. Well just wanted to update you. All day today I’ve been thinking of reasons why I’d want my ex back & well only ones I can’t think of is he’s my daughter’s dad and well still have love for him BUT I don’t feel the desperate need of wanting him back. Even though I had a dream with him last night that we got back.

    I actually went out the other night and met some guy. We talked and I had fun with him, we didn’t exchange numbers but while I was talking to him I realized I can have happiness wherever I go. My ex isn’t my happiness. Talking to this guy was an ego boost as well since he kept complimenting me all night. He was attractive as well.

    I guess my ex disappointed me so much with this new relationship that I just don’t feel bad anymore I just feel sorry. His aunt called me the other day saying how the girl is bad influence on him, he doesn’t seem to want to do anything but to be with her. That they don’t even know what he saw in her, no one there likes her. She also said she’s sure we’re going to get back but right now he seems to be in this phase. I told her even if he comes back I can’t guarantee I’d give him a chance even if I’m still in love with him.

    He’d have to change drastically and actually want to be committed to me. I also told her I’ve grown to see things differently that I won’t put up with any b.s. from him or anyone. I’m sure he can see the change in me and that I wouldn’t be scared to walk away. The other day he surprised me since he kept texting me asking about our daughter and was like I miss her. Since I moved out he’s never texted me saying he misses her. I just replied saying “she misses you too”. I’m sure he sees that I’m happy with myself and like I’m just genuinely happy with everything since a lot of people have told me that I look happy now.

    Also the girl I had told you about sent me another screenshot of what his girlfriend said to her and she said that once he comes out of jail he’s going to be with her. She told me to send it to my ex but I told her no that I would let him learn when she f**ked him over. He’ll learn the hard way. Cause if I said something I’d look like I’d desperately want to separate them. Apparently everyone is sure we’ll get back cause everyone’s sure he’s going to come back to me.

    • Kevin March 3, 2015, 8:07 am

      Hey e.p.,

      Everyone is probably right about him wanting to come back to you. But be prepared for the other possibility. There’s a very slight chance he might not want to come back (even after his relationship fails). And if that happens, you don’t want to be the one succumbing to rejection and acting needy. I am not saying it’ll happen. I am just saying you should be prepared for anything. Even if he doesn’t want to come back, keep your head high and move on with your life. And if he does, then make sure you don’t accept him without giving it a serious thought. Good luck!

  • e.p. March 3, 2015, 12:29 pm

    Yeah I’m not going to put myself in that situation where I’m sure he’ll come back and then he doesn’t cuz I don’t want to be waiting. I’ve come to terms with the idea of him not ever coming back to me and I’m ok if he doesn’t. I’m just moving on with my life, trying to just become a better person.

    If he was to come back I’d have to think about it real good. I wouldn’t take him back right away either cause he’d have to prove he’s committed and if he can’t then I’m not going to get involved with him. Thank you Kevin.

  • Esther March 4, 2015, 12:52 pm

    Does this NC rule work even if the other party has moved out of state? I read on blogs and forums on Google this usually means they want to move on and it’s over. However, there are some people I still talk to after moving and our relationship isn’t that great.

    • Kevin March 5, 2015, 8:17 am

      Hey Esther,

      It can still work. I have had cases where long distance relationships were reconciled. You just need to follow the plan until the texting part. And if he is interested, you will both start texting often and start talking on phone. You can eventually ask him to come on skype or suggest that you go over there for a short trip. But before all that, you need to do no contact and follow the first 3 steps.

      • Esther March 5, 2015, 8:53 pm

        Thanks so much for all your help. The problem is, I am dealing with a rather wishy-washy guy. Like you said, so far I started NC in hopes he would miss me and clean up. The break up was rather bad and even when I hinted he would miss me in the future and come back his response was: “There is nothing for me to come back to. I’ve moved on.” Indeed, he started dating women only 1-2 months after we broke up. He is having rebounds.

        This is the problem: I can’t figure out if he really means what he has said, or it is just out of anger. I had sent him quite a few email messages the past two weeks so of course he would be a bit irritated.

        I have been in similar situations and usually after 2-3 months the other party has a change of heart and misses you. When I tried to reach out to them again after that sliver of time, they instantly regretted arguing/whatever went on between us thst caused the split. Time apart had patched up the holes in the relationships. Some I did have to let go, but at least was able to move on thanks to NC. This time I am not so sure because he now lives out of state (when he moved he said he did it for the money since we were in Southern California with a high COL, but then I heard this is usually a way of saying he doesn’t want to try any longer so I’m not sure). Either way, he continued talking to me after the move.

        We had a very toxic relationship and I am thinking even if we can’t get back together, try to clear our heads. Forget about the past. NC is great for helping clean people like that up, or at least moving on. What is your advice? I’m thinking at least 65 days of NC.

        • Kevin March 6, 2015, 9:55 am

          I agree, you should do no contact for 65 days especially if it was a toxic relationship. If you still want him back, you can contact him after that and see where he stands.

          • Esther March 6, 2015, 10:30 am

            The problem is, now I’ve fallen into a vicious cycle where I continuously have the urge to contact him. I don’t remember it being this hard with my other relationships. I told myself I would stop writing emails or texts to him, and then I always have more to say. So I would let it all out even after telling him I started NC.

            Needless to say, we’ve reached that point where he no longer believes I can do NC. This is problematic as he’s taken for granted I can’t move on from him. Even when I say, “This is the last message you’ll receive because I want to clean up” or something to that effect, he’s always like: “Yeah, but this is what you said weeks ago and it hasn’t stopped.” I’ve finally concluded the only thing to do is just write down all these extra thoughts in a notebook. I did succeed in keeping quiet for two days, but still had to send one more message to him. The first few days are always the hardest.

          • Kevin March 7, 2015, 7:52 am

            Hey Esther,

            It helps when you have things to do and look forward to do. Try giving yourself some goals. Start a new hobby and keep yourself busy for a couple of weeks. It’ll get easier after that.

      • Esther March 5, 2015, 9:53 pm

        It’s also important to note that most exes will indeed try to worm their way back into your life. You may not be able to have a relationship with them again but I recall many instances where I wrote one up after many months or years just to apologize for dumping them, explain myself and wish them well. Or the opposite happens, they write to me.

        • Nico March 13, 2015, 5:03 pm

          Esther, i’m also in a NC at the moment. I’ve written many emails that i kept in my drafts but didn’t send, and i continued in a notebook, which converted into a diary.
          This will be usefull when NC is over, either if we get back together or not. It’s nice to have your thoughts in one place so that you can read them again later. If we get the 100% of trust & respect (which we never had), maybe i will even give to her to read.

  • Kate March 4, 2015, 3:58 pm

    Best article ive read on the internet really needed this !!!

  • anjali March 4, 2015, 11:49 pm

    Hi Kevin, Anjali again. I wanted to check in. I took your advice to let him keep initiating more and he was for a while via text. This past weekend I suggested a phone conversation ( because has suggested the last one about 2 weeks ago). He said sure for sunday and I told him maybe we could talk, depending on if I could get work done. I texted him late at night and asked if he was free. No response. Next day he apologized and said he’d been napping and didn’t wake up. I said it was ok and that I was free later at night during week, except for some days. Since then, he hasn’t responded. It’s just been really bipolar behavior I guess. The day before I suggested the phone conversation ( which I did ver casually, not as an obligation) he’d texted me ” I love you”. In fact, he texted me that most of last week and now he’s dropped off the face of the planet. I’m guessing he is busy with work/career stuff again? I’m not sure.

    Overall, I’m not particularly distraught or upset. It has bothered me a bit, but I’ve been able to go on with my life just fine. I’m wondering if I should just let this keep playing out and see where it goes or change something? What do you think?

    Thanks
    Anjali

    • Kevin March 5, 2015, 8:19 am

      Let him initiate contact next and see how it goes. You don’t need to change anything. Like I said before, don’t keep waiting for him forever. Give yourself a time limit. And if he doesn’t make a move till then, give him an ultimatum and move on.

  • Stoyan March 7, 2015, 1:14 am

    Why i am not able to post a single comment?

    • Kevin March 7, 2015, 7:55 am

      Hey,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post your question on the message boards.

  • e.p. March 9, 2015, 3:08 am

    Hey Kevin
    So today I was told that they broke up. I believe she broke up with him for her ex boyfriend who’s still in jail and has a girlfriend which is also the mother of his daughter(who’s the random girl I told you about). She messaged me asking how I was and if his new girlfriend(ex now) has messaged me or something, I said no and she said she had messaged her telling her she wasn’t with my ex anymore and that she was gonna get back with the girl’s boyfriend(the random girl)

    What is now hurting me is thinking that he’s most likely heartbroken by her but he wasn’t heartbroken when we ended. Was I not important? Was the love really no longer there? I’m not expecting him to come back to me but just knowing he’s probably hurt by her hurts me. It’s not that I wanted him in pain for me but knowing he felt some pain was a reassurance that he still felt something for me. Even though he’s not going to show he’s heartbroken since he’s good at hiding feelings he still must be hurt right?

    • Kevin March 9, 2015, 7:52 am

      How can you be so sure? Even if he is hurting, it’s probably because he feels rejected. Not because he lost someone special. And why do you think he wasn’t heartbroken when you guys ended? If he is good at hiding his feelings, he was probably hiding his feelings.

  • Helen March 9, 2015, 4:24 am

    Hello Kevin, it has been a while,

    After 2 months of strict NC (6 month post BU, 4 year old relationship) my ex sent me a very emotional email, explaining to me that he needed to delete me from his facebook because he needs to move on and can’t do that when he sees my face every were (I haven’t posted any picture in 3 months) and feels that I can see what he posts.
    He also said that he feels ashamed and doesn’t feel like he deserve to have a life. I know he was posting some things and hiding them from me.

    He sent me this from a new email account and at the end he said that I shouldn’t feel forced to reply but that if I did I should do on that email address. (which makes me believe that he is trying to hide that from a potential new gf)

    He also said that it wasn’t a goodbye forever and did other odd things like linking a cute picture that ‘he though I would like’ and music advice. (In a closure email? Seriously?)

    What do you think of this? Of his attitude? Should I reply? (I never send a magic letter to agree with the BU etc.)

    TBH, I don’t know if I would want him back. I am moved on almost completely, but just out of curiosity if I wanted him back in the long run what should I do/say?

    Thank you a lot

    • Kevin March 9, 2015, 7:54 am

      Don’t reply to the email. Wait a week or two and establish contact again. Skip the magic letter and just send a text or short email. But only do it if you are absolutely sure you want him back. Since you have completely moved on, trying to get him back might take you a step back.

      • Helen March 9, 2015, 9:57 am

        I though I should reply and give him clsure and let him know that I’m ok with the break up and “release him” from his guilt so that we can establish a ‘fake’ friendship

        Why do you think I shouldn’t? And how do you read his attitude? I’m very confused

        Thanks again!

        • Kevin March 10, 2015, 6:45 am

          Hey Helen,

          That might also work. But the reason I told you not to reply is because you said you have almost moved on and you are not sure if you want him back. And in my opinion, you should only contact him if you are absolutely sure you want him back.

          He has been missing you and trying to work through his grief. A reply from you will probably make him feel better. If you want to get back together, now is probably the right time to make a move. But like I said before, only do it if you are sure you have bright future with him. If you aren’t sure, contacting him will make moving on harder for both of you.

          • Helen March 10, 2015, 3:23 pm

            Thank you very much for your help Kevin, I just have a few last things to ask you,

            I’m not sure I want him back because I’m not sure what kind of person he is now and the BU changed me as well. But I would need to see him and talk to him to know.

            He lives in another town (1h away by plane), I was thinking about replying to him my closure email so that he doesn’t feel so much guilty about me and not frighten to see me again.

            What would be a good move? Send my email then see if he respond? I finish my email by saying that when the timing is right we can try to get in touch and that I would like to hear from him sometimes,

            I don’t know if thats good, what do you think?

            Some people told me he sent me that to catch my attention, probably feeling that I was moving on do you think that could be the case?

            Again thank you!

          • Kevin March 11, 2015, 10:49 am

            Yes, that could be the case. He could also be sincere about what he said in the mail. If the reason for your doubt is what you said, then you should contact him. Send him the email and see how it goes from there. Good luck. :)

  • e.p. March 9, 2015, 12:39 pm

    Well he would say he loves her so I’m sure it hurts him and he was saying and acting like she was the one. I just think he wasn’t hurt with me cause he was so quick to replace me and just move her in with him after I had just left for a month. Plus he didn’t try to make things better when I left. He didn’t fight for me & the relationship. I don’t know maybe he was hiding them but I can’t focus on this. I have a goal and it involves my full mind on that. I’m just going to let time pass and let him heal and well the whole situation.

    • Kevin March 10, 2015, 6:46 am

      Hey e.p.,

      All those were signs of a rebound relationship and in my experience, they don’t hurt so much when they end. But it’s a good idea to not focus on this. Good luck. :)

  • stoyan March 10, 2015, 10:56 am

    Hello Kevin,
    Please help me,I really would like to get my ex back.I am 28 ,she is 27.We were living together for 2 years.We broke a week ago.The hings were not going great lately,so we decided to take a break(20 days) and decide what we are going to do afterwards.And so we did.During the break we exchanged messages twice and we spoke on the phone once.After the period ended my girlfriend called me and told me that we need to talk.I went to her place to hear that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore,that she is feeling great back at her home,she is not tired anymore,she can spend a lot of time with her friends and so on.My reaction was calm.I told her that if she has decided that she will feel better alone,i will respect her decision.She asked me 3 times what do i think is the right decision and admitted that she is afraid that she might not take the right decision.I told her that i want her back, but if she has decided to break up with me ,so be it.So i went back home .After 2 days i decided that it will be a good idea to call her and talk .I invited her to a cup of coffee.I tried to convince her to get back with me,but had no success.We agreed that she will pick her stuff in the next 2 days and get back to her parent’s house.During that break i tried to convince her one more time to reconsider and get back with me.Again , i had no success.So a week ago she came to pack her stuff.We didn’t speak much.Right before leaving she told me it was a great experience to live with me for 2 years .I told her that it was a great experience for me as well.She melted down and started to hug me and kiss me.Before she left ,she gave me a passionate kiss.Next day it was a holiday ,so i decided to surprise her .I went to the store and bought few roses.Called her to set up the meeting and went to her house shortly after.The result was the same.She melted down ,she was very surprised and started hugging me and kissing me.Right after i left she messaged me:I’m really happy,You still bring the joy in me.Another 2 days passed and i called her to set up a new meeting,but this time i offered a drink. She told me she has plans and maybe she won’t be able to meet me.The problem is that i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.Do i have a chance ?That kiss means a lot to me,but does it really mean anything to her?Should i start the nc phase?Please help me.Really appreciate your help.
    Thank you,

    Stoyan

    • Kevin March 11, 2015, 10:45 am

      You do have a chance. Yes, start no contact. And follow the plan.

      • stoyan March 11, 2015, 5:12 pm

        Hello Kevin,

        Thank you or the quick response.We broke because she lost her attraction for me.Could you please be more specific and tell me :How long should the nc phase continue ?Do you think i have a slight chance of getting her back or is it more than that?

        • Kevin March 12, 2015, 8:49 am

          Hey,

          Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. You should not end no contact until you have done everything in the checklist. You have a decent chance of getting her back. But you should also be prepared for the worst. There’s also a chance you may never get her back. Which is why you should do no contact and not end it until you are prepared mentally for either outcome.

          • stoyan March 13, 2015, 9:06 am

            Hey Kevin,
            Thank you for your help.Just a quick update.She called me yesterday to tell me that she won’t be available this Friday,but she wants to arrange a meeting next week.I’m confused with her behavior.Is this some kind of a backup plan?
            Is it ever a good idea to skip the nc phase?
            Thank you,
            Stoyan

          • Kevin March 13, 2015, 10:31 am

            Rarely. I always recommend no contact, if nothing else, to give you a better perspective about your relationship with your ex and your life without your ex.

            She has made it clear that she doesn’t want to get back together. So, I’ll recommend you start no contact and tell her you need time and space to deal with the breakup. Her behavior is pretty common. She doesn’t want to lose you completely and doesn’t want to be with you as well. Hence, the confusing behavior.

  • e.p. March 10, 2015, 12:58 pm

    Maybe it was just a rebound but since he was doing things with her like if it was a serious relationship I took it as if it wasn’t. That same day they broke up later on that night he was out with his sister. She posted a snapchat with him and he was all smiling. Thank you Kevin, I’ll just have to see what happens :)

    • e.p. March 11, 2015, 1:15 pm

      Also I forgot to add that I happened to text him the same day they broke up cause I wanted to talk about something important about our daughter and I had asked if we can meet up somewhere so I can explain everything he then replied saying tell me now I said nevermind just forget it and he replied again saying tell me but then I said it’s a lot to text and explain. I’ll explain when you come pick up our daughter. He didn’t reply after that.

      Now I feel like he probably thinks I was trying to get back or something but I really was just trying to explain something to him and I still didn’t know they were broken up so he probably thought I knew and saw a chance but it wasn’t even like that.

      • Kevin March 12, 2015, 8:47 am

        You are overthinking a small conversation. Stop trying to figure out what’s going on in his mind. It doesn’t matter.

  • Charlie March 12, 2015, 3:55 am

    Hi Kevin, I’ve asked to subscribe yet when i click confirm on my emails it says I already have (which i did a few weeks ago then unsubscribed). How come I cant re-subscribe on the same email address?

    • Kevin March 12, 2015, 8:52 am

      Hey Charlie,

      To resubscribe you will again have to click on the unsubscribe link in one of the emails and select the subscribe option. The emails will start from where you left them.

  • e.p. March 16, 2015, 4:01 am

    Lately all that’s been on my mind is him. I’ve been having dreams with him and they’re all about us getting back. I feel overwhelmed of all these feelings. One moment I’m fine and just like don’t ever take him back cause you don’t want to look stupid for taking him back but then moments later all I want is for us to get back and I just miss him so much.

    Part me is sure he’ll come back to me and well everyone else is saying it so then they must see it too but then it’s like why is it not happening. I know he needs times as so do I but then the other part is just like move on! It’s weird because I’m ok with knowing he’ll probably never be with me again but then I have my moments where I just refuse to let him go.

    My love for him is deep and knowing he’s ok makes me happy. I can’t bring myself to hate him or not care about him. Even after everything he did to me I want nothing but the best for him. I just wish he would see what he lost when he let me go. If his friends and family see he messed up then why can’t he?

    I’m not saying I’m the best thing for him but my love was sincere, everything I ever offered, everything about me to him was sincere. He knows I love him, he knows I’d always be there for him even if everyone turned their backs on him. He told me himself that he knew I’d always be the only person there for him. That he never wanted to lose me. That I’m everything to him.

    How do you tell someone that a couple weeks before leaving them for someone else? For someone who’s no good for you. His mom today told me that his ex gf went over yesterday morning and that they were arguing, well she was and he was asking her what was she doing there? That what did she want? That she needed to leave and not be going to his house to make scenes. Then he told his mom he was sorry and that he was going to change and make things right. He was going to start trying to become a better person.

    That made me glad cause then he knows she’s not really a great person for him. Also 2 more girls came forward about her messing with their kids fathers. Apparently she only goes after guys with kids. Anyways Kevin. I know I’m all over the place. I know I probably bother with all this.

    I’m at the point of just wanting to text him saying I miss you. I’m so close to doing that. I don’t want to play games where I act like I don’t want you or care just so that he can but I’m scared of being rejected that I just keep it all to myself. Help me please. I need to clear my head.

    • Kevin March 16, 2015, 8:24 am

      Hey e.p.,

      Despite all the love you have for him, he still cheated on you…multiple times. And if you get back together, there’s a good chance he will do it again. The only way you and him can be in a healthy trusting relationship where he is loyal to you is to make him work for you and make him realise that you won’t put up with anything less than what you deserve. I know you wish things were simple and you could just tell him how you feel and he would reciprocate and you two would get back together. And to be honest, if you contact him, there’s a chance it might work that way. But even if it does, I am quite sure he will go back to his old ways and you two will breakup again. So remember, this isn’t about getting him back, it’s about getting a relationship you deserve. A relationship that will make you happy and help you grow in life. A trusting relationship. There’s only one way to have that relationship with your ex. If it doesn’t work that way, you should move on so you can have that relationship with someone else.

  • dayton March 16, 2015, 11:27 am

    Kevin I tried posting a few days ago. I need your help so bad. Are you there? Its about my ex . My heart is broken. I need help so badly

    • Kevin March 17, 2015, 3:28 am

      Hey Dayton,

      The comments here are heavily moderated. Please post your question on the message boards.

      • dayton March 17, 2015, 9:02 pm

        I will post on the message boards if I have to I just want to get an answer from you. Do you reply to the posts in the message boards? If not may I post a question here for you? I would love to discuss this with you and ask you. Id greatly appreciate it.

      • dayton March 22, 2015, 3:40 pm

        Kevin I know you said to post on the message boards. I tried to but my phone messed up. I just have a quick question if you could please take the time to reply id value it greatly and I wont trouble you again, I need help from the best. Ao me and my ex have been together for almost 3 years we broke up in jan. She said it was because I didnt treat her like a gf. She agreed to still date me but she wanted to see other guy, because she is 19 she doesnt want to feel trapped. She said she loves me but isnt in love with me anymore. During the months weve gone out. Slept together, been intimate. She says I love you. But when I confront her she says she isnt ready and this guy she was dating made her “lose her feelings for me.” She went to this party and called me today telling me she had fun and ect. I got emotional and asked her if she wanted to get back together. She got a little upset and said its too soon so I told her I needed space and time, starting nc today. Ive said the same thing before but took it back because I couldnt do it. So she replied thag I need to make up my mind and it doesnt matter if I talk to her or not and thag I need to stick with it because I end up crawling back to her. That was her words. Tell me kevin is nc a good idea in my situation? She told me a week ago thag she didnt want to talk to me anymore but she told me a day later thag she doesnt want to let me go and she started to miss me. Can I save my relationship? I have begged and cried in front of her through all of this and I looked pathetic, she knows im not like this im just filled with grief thag ive lost a part of me.. please help me im begging you I need some advice.

        • Kevin March 23, 2015, 7:02 am

          Hey Dayton,

          Yes, no contact is a good idea. But to be honest, she is young and wants to stay single. So you shouldn’t expect a commitment from her anytime soon. I’ll recommend you continue no contact for at least a couple of months and try to move on. I assume you are young as well, and you should explore your options as well since she is clearly not on the same page as you.

          If you still want her after 2 months of no contact, contact her and see where she stands. Take things slowly but you will soon understand if her attitude is the same about commitment. If it is, then you should move on.

        • dayton March 31, 2015, 12:03 am

          Kevin does using the same tactics as her help? The guide doesnt mention it. Would it be wise to show her you dont care ,let her see your with another girl. So it stirs up a reaction? Or would that push her away even more? Can you elaborate? Some sites say to do it but im unsure.

          • Kevin March 31, 2015, 4:58 am

            It can work. But even if it does, then what? You get her jealous, and she then she tries to get you jealous. Before you know it, you are both playing the jealousy game wasting time and mental energy on something so immature.

            And even if you manage to get her back using jealousy or playing games, what then? You think you both will be able to live happily ever after? A couple of months after being back together, she will again have the same issues as before. She is still young and still doesn’t want to feel trapped. And she will leave again.

          • dayton April 8, 2015, 11:53 pm

            Kevin something a lot of other sires say is to either 1. Drop all contact and fall off the face of the earth with no contact or 2. Inform your ex that you no longer wish to talk until youre ready so you can deal with the break up. Which is the best option for getting an ex back? 1. Seems childish and seems it would make your ex angry and push them away. Dont they deserve an adult answer? Or would it be best to do 1? 2 makes sense but wouldnt 2 make them move on quicker? Basically should you tell your ex your doing nc? Or is it best not to tell them? Like after getting back together my ex and I hroke up. She said the same thing. “I love you as a friend and was afraid of losing you.” We fought I said goodbye then she texts me tonight (the same night of the break up) “are you ok?” Two times an hour aparr. How should someone handle this situation? Nc or nc while telling her you want nc? Thanks

          • Kevin April 9, 2015, 10:30 am

            Both work in different scenarios. Sometimes, it depends on individual preference and sometimes it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your ex. If your ex is contacting you constantly, and they contact you even after you start no contact, it’s a good idea to tell them politely. If you are the one who is always initiating contact with your ex, then you can just start no contact without telling them. If they contact you, then it’s your choice if you want to let them know that you need time and space.

            But this part doesn’t really matter that much. What matters most is how you use no contact. The primary objective of no contact is for you to become a better, more confident and happier person. The dynamics with your ex is secondary.

  • e.p. March 16, 2015, 2:15 pm

    So don’t text him? Again I don’t really want to play games but if I text him then that will take away the purpose of him realizing it right? Should I let him look for me so then I can show him I’m not willing to accept anything less than I deserve? Cause if I text him I miss him and let’s say he says it back then how do I tell him he has to work on things? or if he says it back do I just not reply back to him?

    I’m so confused. Maybe I should let more time pass since his relationship with her kind of just ended. Maybe wait a week or 2? I always had in mind that if he came back I was going to make him work for me. Prove everything he would say and show him and tell him I wouldn’t put up with anything. Do you think texting him “I miss you” is a bad idea?

    Maybe texting him takes away from me saying I won’t put up with all the bs. It’s been 4 months since we’ve been broken up. I should wait longer right? Wait and see what he does?

    • Kevin March 17, 2015, 3:27 am

      No, texting him is a bad idea. Not only because he might reject you, but also because it’ll make him realise that no matter what he does, you will always be waiting for him. Let him make the moves. If he decides he wants to. If he doesn’t, you should move on. Even if you want to text him, you should do at after at least 2-3 months of no contact. Even if he texts you right now (or a week from now), you should not engage in any conversation with him that is not about your child. If you don’t want to be rude to him, tell him you need time and space right now. Doing no contact is more important than anything else right now. Like I said before, it’ll be a roller coaster ride, having some set rules and guidelines for yourself will help you get through it.

  • fry March 17, 2015, 3:25 am

    Hi Kevin

    Iam in a very complicated situation. Me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago, but we had contact almost every second day. We still love each other, but she says she dont want to have a realitionship with me at the moment. She is afraid that i will never change. And there is another guy who wants her. So now she has to decide if she wants me back or go to the new guy. We even talked about NC and iam fine wit it, but she cant stand it without me and is still calling me. (Also because she has panik attacks) Is it really okay to do the NC or should i fight like hell to get her back? I just really dont want to loose her to this guy.
    Ps: sry, if my english isnt that well, iam from austria :)

    • Kevin March 17, 2015, 3:38 am

      Hey Fry,

      You should do no contact. And make positive changes in your life during no contact. Even if she starts a relationship with that other guy, it’ll be a rebound. And it’ll end. She is not over you yet and will not be over you anytime soon. Tell her you need time and space to deal with the breakup and you can’t stay in touch with her.

      • fry March 21, 2015, 3:38 am

        Hi Kevin,

        Iam starting to think that she isnt good anymore for me. The situation with her is very complicated and iam not even sure if its really over or not. I have the feeling that Iam just waiting for her and and that she can have me back whenever she wants. Isnt it better to really make a point and live with the pain that shes gone rather then waiting for her until she knows what she wants and live with the pain of uncertainty.
        At the moment shes in a Rebound Relationship and there have been reasons why I broke up with her. Iam very afraid that shes not changing so fast. Moreover i really dont need this complicated situation in my life at the moment. Its my heart what wants her back so badly.
        Should I talk to her and make the cruel point and continue NC (maybe even she will realise some stuff about me, when iam gone) or should i just continue NC, trying to get happy without her and focus on my life? I dont know which pain is better :(

        Ps: Sry for my bad English

        • Kevin March 22, 2015, 4:54 am

          You should just continue no contact. At least for a month. If after that, you feel the need for talking to her, go ahead. But until then, it’s better if you do strict no contact.

          • fry March 23, 2015, 3:51 pm

            I think i scew up… I broke the NC called her, made drama and was crying. We realised that her calls everyday are destroying me and we said one month NC. I hurt her again. Is there still hope for me?
            Maybe i need this to really focus on myselfe…

  • stoyan March 17, 2015, 7:56 pm

    Hello Kevin ,
    Thank you for the help.I really appreciate it.A few things that i forgot to mention just came up.Right before we break up she was telling me that she is not feeling appreciated.She was doing everything in her power to fix the problems in the relationship.But i was not helping her much.After a fight we had, I told her that it will be a good idea to split for 20 days.She told me that we have never been apart for so long and she is really feeling bad.During these 20 days i send a message to her once and had her on the phone twice.She was first to contact me after 6 days of being split.She was really missing me,but she wouldn’t call because she didn’t want to look needy and i know that for fact ,because she payed me a visit 6 days before the deadline ends.She needed to pick some clothes and she told me that i have called her once and she has called me twice…When i went to her house to learn her decision at the end of the period, she was very confused,despite the fact that she wanted to break up.As you already know, she asked me three times what is the right choice and told me that she is not sure about her decision,that she might decide against it later ,but she doesn’t want me to wait for her.I asked her if she still loves me and she told me that she is not sure .She thinks she does,but she is feeling better without me.Next time we spoke ,she told me that she couldn’t imagine living without me,but she is fine without me and really likes her life now.When she came to pack her stuff she melted down and started hugging me and kissing me.On the very next day i went to her house with a bunch of flowers and as a reward i received a few hugs and a passionate kiss.Two days later i called her to try to convince her not to pick her stuff and to ask her out.She told me that she needs her luggage and that she have plans for Friday,but she is not sure if she can cancel them.Anyway she called on Thursday(that was not expected at all) to tell me that she can not cancel her plans and to check how am i doing. She mentioned that we might go out next week.I started making some positive changes in my life already.Started going out with friends,went to the gym 4 or 5 times..The thought that concerns me most at the moment is that she broke up with me ,just to not get dumped.And i think that she expects me to fight for her,because she did reward me when i bought the flowers and she showed some interest by calling me back to check on me,despite the fact that she didn’t cancel her plans.When i call her she is friendly most of the time.I would really like to call her and ask her out again,but i am not sure if it is a good idea .Should i continue with the nc ,or should i try to text her or ask her out,or maybe wait until she re-initiates the conversation.

    Thank you ,
    Stoyan

    • Kevin March 18, 2015, 10:24 am

      I still think you should do no contact. She is rewarding your behaviour because it reassures her that you will not move on even if she doesn’t want to be with you. Which means she can have her cake and eat it too. You will be waiting for her while she has the freedom to find someone better. If you want to try it your way (not doing no contact), then at least make a move and ask her to get back together (after a week or so). Tell her that you don’t like her dragging you along and not letting you move on, and she should either get back together or you will stop contacting her and try to move on. If she doesn’t get back together still, do strict no contact and follow the plan.

  • e.p. March 17, 2015, 11:43 pm

    Yeah that’s exactly what I was thinking that’s why I’m not going to text him. I’m going to lwt him make the move if he wants. We don’t talk at all unless it’s about our daughter. I’ve basically been doing no contact for a while. I do think we need more time apart though. He needs to heal from everything.

  • Aly March 18, 2015, 12:54 am

    *Kevin sorry phone autocorrected. Hey Kevin I don’t know if you saw my earlier message but my ex and his young rebound broke up two weeks ago and four days later we aborted the baby, what steps should I take to try to get him back now that they broke up? (She dumped him)

    • Kevin March 18, 2015, 10:25 am

      Wait a couple of weeks. And then just get back in touch. If he contacts you during those two weeks, you are free to reply. But don’t initiate contact right now. It’ll look desperate and obvious.

      • Shania April 10, 2015, 1:53 pm

        Hi Kevin I’m havin trouble gettin my ex back but I love him and I know he loves me because he has told me but I keep messaging him an he won’t answer what shall I do to get my ex back

        • Kevin April 11, 2015, 5:46 am

          Follow the plan Shania.

  • Anjali March 18, 2015, 2:42 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I’ve been doing what you suggested mostly and letting him initiate.We talked on the phone this weekend and it was really late at night and were both exhausted. I hadn’t been planning on brining anything about relationship/long distance but I couldn’t help it.

    I asked him if he was still looking for jobs about here/ what he thought about long distance. He said that he loved me and wanted to be in the same place with me and long distance was just too hard. He also said it was difficult to find a job around where I am. I asked him what he thought was the difference between long distance and what we’re doing now and he said a bunch of idk’s eventually telling me this wasn’t as satisfying.

    He also contradicted himself during the conversation and said he loved me and missed and really wished he could see me. I told him he should visited and he said he couldn’t take off from work ( but he is taking off for his sisters graduation) . This upset me because it felt like basically i don’t cross the line of being important enough. I really want this/ us to work out but I’m not sure where all of this is going .We were both falling asleep while we talked and I’m not sure if I need to have this conversation again and just tell him that this in between talking thing is not going to lead anywhere unless he wants to somehow make long distance work. I just don’t know anymore. I thought he really cared and was being genuine.

    Part of me just wants to say that there’s no point in talking anymore. Another part wants to ask him why he doesn’t want to do long distance/ if there’s any way he’s be willing to do it. But i worry it makes me sound desperate. Is it because he’s scared it’ll turn into how it was before? I think that may be the reason but i think we’ve also both matured and would probably deal with things better too. But idk if that’s just my opinion.

    I’m just confused now about what to do/ even how I feel. I’m tired of games. The truth is I still really want to be with him and I can’t just keep pretending what in between talking is totally cool/ and i’m not invested even though I am . I also just don’t know if he’s confused too or he’s basically decided he doesn’t want this enough to figure things out.

    • Kevin March 19, 2015, 11:25 am

      Hey Anjali,

      I think you can talk to him about why he doesn’t want to try without sounding desperate. Just ask for reasons calmly and don’t try to convince him too much. Let him know the reason you are asking is because you are tired and you want to move on and you want to be sure about this before moving on. If he still says no then you can be sure this is not leading anywhere and you can move on.

  • e.p. March 19, 2015, 3:17 am

    I decided I’m not going to text him at all. Even after 2-3 months of no contact. By then he’ll probably be really over me and I’ll just get rejected and feel dumb. I need to move on even if I don’t want to. That’s the last thing I want to do, I don’t want to feel like I gave up on my heart but this love towards him is overwhelming.

    Especially lately all I’ve been thinking about is him. I hate that they told me they broke up because when he was with her and I knew I wouldn’t check his page or think about him as much but now that’s all I do.

    I know she doesn’t live him anymore because his cousins posted videos with him for St. Patrick’s and they were out at a bar and he wouldn’t leave her there by herself nor would he take her since his family doesn’t like her. But I know he was with her this past Saturday cause he was with her dad so only figures. But then next day is when his mom told me about him asking her what was she doing there and to not go over there making a scene and they were arguing. So I’m assuming last time they saw each other was Sunday but I don’t know.

    I keep thinking I have a chance and he’ll realize he made a mistake and come back asking for a chance but that doesn’t seem to be happening or nowhere near close.

    • Kevin March 19, 2015, 11:28 am

      Hey e.p.,

      It’s a good decision. There’s a good chance he will want to come back. But it can take some time. And there’s no point in waiting for it to happen or obsessing over him. Just because his relationship ended doesn’t mean he will want to come back. It will probably take him quite a bit of time to realise what he is missing. It can even take up to a year. He is young and he is enjoying his freedom. Let him. In fact, if he comes back right now, there’s a very good chance he will cheat on you again and leave you. But if he comes back after a long time, when he has had his share of “young fun” and has matured enough, you two will have a better chance of maintaining a healthy functioning relationship for a long time.

  • e.p. March 19, 2015, 7:14 pm

    You and everyone else as outsiders from this relationship has said he’ll be back so I mean it must be true if everyone else sees it but me right now. I guess I just wanted things to happen quickly but I can’t rush this.

    Yeah that’s what I’m going to let him do. Just enjoy his freedom and I’ll enjoy mine. A lot of people did tell me this is a phase. That he’s young and immature so he’s going to choose parties and girls and well all the fun. Maybe this is for the best. IF we were to ever get back maybe this could be the time our relationship becomes stronger than ever and healthy.
    Thank you Kevin.

  • e.p. March 20, 2015, 8:41 pm

    You and everyone else as outsiders from this relationship has said he’ll be back so I mean it must be true if everyone else sees it but me right now. I guess I just wanted things to happen quickly but I can’t rush this.

    Yeah that’s what I’m going to let him do. Just enjoy his freedom and I’ll enjoy mine. A lot of people did tell me this is a phase. That he’s young and immature so he’s going to choose parties and girls and well all the fun. Maybe this is for the best. IF we were to ever get back maybe this could be the time our relationship becomes stronger than ever and healthy.
    Thank you Kevin.

    Also I saw him last night. We were cool but now I’m starting to feel like he’s avoiding to be with me alone. Last night we took our daughter to the hospital and he dropped us off and said he was going to be back but then he just ended up trading places with his mom.

    I don’t know I just feel he doesn’t want to be anywhere it involves it being just me and him. Like in a car he’s ok but when it comes to being somewhere and waiting with me he tries to avoid it. Always comes us with an excuse.

    Before they broke up he wouldn’t really mind like he’d be around me but just walk around or sit with me, like he could actually stand next to me but now that they broke up he doesn’t try to be around me for long. I wonder why?

    • Kevin March 22, 2015, 4:51 am

      Whatever his reasons are, it shouldn’t matter. You should stop trying to figure out everything that goes on in his mind.

  • Juice March 21, 2015, 11:57 pm

    Thanks Kevin words of gold. Needed advice this is perfect.

  • e.p. March 23, 2015, 5:32 am

    All that keeps replaying in my head is him telling me “me and you will never get back together” and “I dont love you anymore” then 5 months later we got back(that was the first break up).

    This time he said similar things “I don’t love you anymore” “I don’t think I’ll ever love you again” (cause I had asked him if he could ever love me again and he said I don’t think so). We’re 4 months into this break up and now more than ever I’m going crazy. Maybe cause I still have hope since the first time it was 5 months of being broken up. I guess I just feel I’m running out of time since in like 3 weeks it’ll be 5 months.

    Still doing no contact. Only contact we have is about our daughter.

    • Kevin March 23, 2015, 7:05 am

      Hey e.p.,

      Well last time you got back together, but then you broke up again. And he cheated on you again. Do you want the same story to repeat itself? Your decisions shape your life. You will probably be given a choice in the future where you have to decide if you want to repeat the same pattern with him or change it. Choose wisely.

  • e.p. March 23, 2015, 12:40 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    Well the first time we were together for 10 months and he didn’t cheat on me or I never caught him but he was always with me so I doubt he did.

    I was with him today again and everything felt so comfortable like and we were getting along perfect. He was telling me everything about what’s been going on with him and some future plans and we were joking around. Everything was just so familiar. I miss that feeling. I don’t want to repeat the same story but I do feel one day we can work out.

  • e.p. March 25, 2015, 4:25 am

    I texted him. I was listening to music having a drink and I ended up texting him. Ugh! I messed up!

    • e.p. March 25, 2015, 4:37 am

      I sent this…

      You know what. F*** it. I miss you & I’m still in love with you. I’m not going to be playing games here. You know my feelings towards you. I might not ever get over you. Now this doesn’t mean I expect anything from you. This doesn’t mean I’m waiting for you. This doesn’t mean I need you, just want, cause need, I pretty much gave up on needing anyone, only our daughter. I know what it is I just wanted to remind you. But I know deep down you still feel it too. We just have that natural chemistry. Don’t worry don’t feel obligated to reply or anything. Like I said I don’t expect anything from you.

  • Christina March 26, 2015, 9:55 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I posted on here twice this past week and I don’t see either comment. Was there a reason it wasn’t approved?

    • Kevin March 28, 2015, 4:43 am

      Christina, the comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post on the message boards

  • e.p. March 28, 2015, 3:53 am

    Hello Kevin,
    So I’m going a bit crazy. I made a mistake out of impulse but at the same time I feel at peace because I’m not hiding my feelings. I didn’t text him anymore. After that one message I just left it as that and no he didn’t reply, which either way I didn’t expect him to. I rather him not reply than to tell me he doesn’t feel anything for me. I know just cause he didn’t reply it doesn’t mean he’s like in love with me. I feel like I probably put myself back in his thoughts. Maybe. I don’t know. Hope you saw what I texted him. Help.

    • Kevin March 28, 2015, 4:47 am

      Hey e.p.,

      It’s OK that you texted him. In my opinion, it would have been better if you didn’t. But I guess in the long run it won’t matter that much since you just mentioned your feelings and didn’t beg or plead for him to get back together. Like I said before, you need a long period of no contact if you want to have healthy relationship (with him or someone else). So, I’ll recommend you stay no contact from now and stop focusing on him and his feelings.

  • e.p. March 28, 2015, 4:28 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    Yeah I didn’t beg him just told him how I felt. I know I need stop focusing on that. I haven’t contacted him since then. I’m okay though. Knowing he knows makes me feel at peace.

  • Anjali March 29, 2015, 10:16 am

    Hey Kevin,

    So I never ended up giving him the ultimatum because I didn’t feel strong enough to do it. Lately, he hasn’t even texted me much. No I love you’s, no anything really. No asking me to talk on the phone or anything like he was last month. Once he texted me found of my hair clips and this week he texted me and asked ” how’s your week going?” I just don’t know anymore. I feel like maybe he’s just moving on and I feel stuck. I’m not sure why he texted me and asked me about my week. I gave a normal friend like response back and politely asked about his.

    Maybe he just misses me as a friend. I went on a date last night with someone because I’ve been trying dating recently and I just ended up missing my ex. I almost wanted to text him that I love him/miss him but resisted the urge because I remembered out last conversation and just his unwillingness for long distance/ to visit/ move around here.

    I mean we’re almost basically doing no contact now. I haven’t really been initiating and he hasn’t really either besides that one text. I almost want to go back to talking more. Things has been feeling good just talking more frequently even if we weren’t together. It felt like they’d been moving in a positive direction and we could get back together in the future. Would it be a bad idea to start initiating a lot of conversation/expressing feelings?

    Anjali

    • Kevin March 30, 2015, 11:53 am

      Hey Anjali,

      The problem with keeping constant contact is that it doesn’t guarantee you anything. And if it doesn’t work, you will anyways have to go through the pain of getting over him and moving on. If he has shown unwillingness to move forward even after significant no contact and staying in touch for a while after that, I will not recommend you wait for him anymore. Getting over him will be hard and painful, but he has left you no option in my opinion.

      An ultimatum kind of helps you make the final decision. If he rejects you still, you can be at peace that you have tried everything in your power and there is no point wasting more time. On the other hand, a part of you will always want to hold on to the hope, which is why it’s hard to give an ultimatum.

      Even if you decide to go against my advice, and start contacting him again, you should at least give yourself a time limit. A month or two. After which, you give him an ultimatum.

  • Jamie March 31, 2015, 4:19 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I posted some days ago and dont know if my comment got approved. I am really stressed and going through a bad time for 8 months now. Please help :-/

    • Kevin April 1, 2015, 7:29 am

      Hey Jamie,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please post on the message boards.

  • e.p. April 2, 2015, 2:15 am

    Hello Kevin,
    So we hung out today cause he came to visit our daughter. Anyways he came and we then went to go get something to eat cause our daughter wanted something anyways I then heard him call me babe by accident. It just slipped out BUT he just played it off say baby to our daughter. Like if he was talking to her. I didn’t say anything and I acted like I didn’t hear anything.

    He then also said he’s coming over again tomorrow. Could it be it’s finally hitting him and he’s getting over the bad image of our relationship? Could it be cause of the text message I sent? This is the first time we see each other after the text. Or is it just me making up a fantasy in my head?

    • Kevin April 2, 2015, 4:24 am

      Hey e.p.,

      You are forgetting that he is the one who cheated on you and even if he wants you back, you shouldn’t take him back unless you are sure you will not fall into the same pattern again. What does all that mean? I can’t be sure. Maybe he is thinking about you and getting back together. I can’t be sure. Neither can you. All you can do is make sure you don’t act needy and don’t go back to the same old relationship which left you miserable.

  • fry April 4, 2015, 5:02 am

    hi Kevin
    So her grandfather died 3 days ago and she was really close to him. We broke up 2 month ago but we had a lot of contact (almost every day, she was even thinking to came back to me). What should i do now? Whats going on in her mind now?

    Thanks

  • Esther April 5, 2015, 12:23 pm

    What happens if your ex refuses to answer during/after NC? I have done NC with other people but never had this happen before. I have heard that means you need more time off (ex. instead of 30 go to 60) but they do eventually come around. Everyone misses each other.

    It’s the worst because there’s nothing you can do except wait it out. Is this true? Any other suggestions?

    • Kevin April 6, 2015, 9:31 am

      Yes, pretty much the only thing you can do which won’t make you look needy and desperate is wait it out. In most cases, your ex will start answering you after some time. But if they don’t answer you even after a longer no contact, then you should definitely try to move on. There is no point in waiting for someone who is not interested in you for the rest of your life.

  • xoxolove April 6, 2015, 3:31 pm

    I have posted this in the boards but my post has this “awaiting for moderation”.

    How do I know of my ex is playing mind games with me? Do you have an article pertaining to that?

    • Kevin April 9, 2015, 10:08 am

      Hey,

      Your post was deleted because you posted on someone else’s topic. You need to create a new topic. I don’t have any article on this topic. But perhaps reading this article and this article will give you some ideas. But in most cases, no contact should be enough for them to stop playing mind games. A lot of times, they just keep messaging you just to keep you as a backup. If you do no contact, you will take away that power from him and he will stop playing the mind games. Even if you are not sure that he is playing mind games, no contact will still be beneficial.

  • NJ April 7, 2015, 12:23 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I wish I discovered this sooner as Ive been making the deadly mistakes for a month now. I saw my ex yesterday and it was nice till I said something (but not on purpose) that really pissed him off and now he hates me more than ever. He said he doesn’t want to see me or talk to me or be with me ever again. Do you think he was just angry and it will pass or is it completely doomed. I’m so upset that it could have gotten even worse than it was! I know if I’d done no contact a while back we might be together but now he really hates me and he finds it hard to let anything go and he thinks our relationship wasn’t great anyway even though some was his fault but he can’t see that. But I know he still cares for me a bit…
    Thanks

    • Kevin April 9, 2015, 10:10 am

      If he hates you and is getting angry, it means that he still has strong feelings for you. It’s a good sign. And it means that you still have a good chance. Follow the plan and do no contact.

  • e.p. April 8, 2015, 5:02 am

    Hello Kevin
    well I forgot to update you. He did come over the next day like he said he would and we were ok, talking a bit not much cause my neighbor came over with her son and her boyfriend was talking to my ex. Anyways he then got a call from his uncle. By the way before I get into that. He use to never leave his phone around me well like towards the last couple weeks before we broke up and if he did he had it locked.

    Ok back to the call. So he missed it cause he was outside with my friend’s bf. I then went to take him his phone and he asked who had called him and told him his uncle and I also noticed he didn’t have a lock on his phone (not much to it, I know) but he’s left his phone around a couple times the day before and that day too and he wasn’t even worried about it.

    I didn’t go through it even though I had chances cause to be honest I wasn’t interested nor did I want to see anything that could put me down. Maybe he’s trusting me to leave his phone around. Anyways he ended up saying he was gonna take our daughter to his house so I said ok and then he left.

    Later on that night I went to the movies with my friends and he watched our daughter. He kept texting me to see if the movies was over and what time was I gonna get home cause it was late already I told him if he wanted I could’ve picked her up or he could keep her over night but he said no that he could drop her off.

    Anyways it was like 11 and the movie was soon gonna end. He texted me again asking if it was over and I said no but that I thought it was gonna end soon. I felt like maybe he didn’t believe me and thought I was making up excuses so he could keep our daughter longer so I sent him a picture of the screen and said “so you can see I’m not lying or like lagging it” he replied saying I believe you before the picture even send since the message was sent first.

    Anyways for him to believe anything I say and trust me to not go into his phone he must be healing over the bad break up and bad image of me acringe needy. I know I can’t over think what he’s thinking since they’re not clear. I just feel like the longer we’re apart the more I want him.

    His aunt also told me the other day that she knew he was gonna come back to me and that he was just using the excuse of seeing our daughter to really be around me which I did find odd since he stopped doing that like 3 months ago he normally would just come pick her up for a weekend and then drop her off but to actually hang out with both of us.

    I felt that vibe when he was around me that he wanted to like tell me something but didn’t know how and he would like stare at me and then look away. I felt that love, he can’t deny it, even though he wants to and I don’t know why. The chemistry is there and anyone can see it and feel it.

    But I won’t make another move. I made my move by texting him that one time. He could’ve replied or something but chose not to so now it’s all in his hands cause I’m not going to beg him. I am still trying to move on though just in case. Have to expect the worst so I won’t be disappointed.

    Anyways what’s your opinion on this? :)

    • e.p. April 8, 2015, 9:06 pm

      *acting not acringe

    • Kevin April 9, 2015, 10:25 am

      Yes, you should not make any move for now. However, the questions you should be asking are, do you trust him? Do you think you will be able to trust him if you get back together? Do you think it’ll be a healthy relationship or it will fall back to the same pattern after a year or two? It seems you are just concentrating on whether or not you will get back together; while you should be concentrating on whether or not you two can have a healthy long lasting relationship.

      • dayton April 10, 2015, 6:47 pm

        Ive been doing no contact for almost 3 days it feels good. My ex has been texting and calling me. I have no responded. At first it was “are you ok” then it was “when are you going to the gym? I need to know so you dont have to see me” then it was “I want to drop some stuff off at your house it that ok?” And she was the one who told me that she didnt want to give me my stuff back. Is she just trying to get me to respond? What shouls I do? Should I continue to not reply? Is she trying to get some kind of recognition on my part? If she keeps texting and calling should I wait a day or two and if it continues should I tell her I need space and time. (This was assumed during our laat face to face conversation so idk what shes doing.)

        • Kevin April 11, 2015, 5:49 am

          Hey Dayton,

          Yes, if she continues texting you for 2-3 days, tell her you need space and time. BTW, it only feels good because she is texting you constantly. Don’t expect to feel like this through out no contact. It’s going to be a roller coaster. Especially when she stops texting you. So be prepared for that mentally.

  • e.p. April 10, 2015, 3:33 am

    I feel I could trust him in the future but he’d have to prove himself to me. I think we could have a healthy lasting relationship but when he matures. Now that I think of it more maybe right now is not our time. Right now we probably wouldn’t have a full healthy relationship. We’d probably fall back into a pattern. He needs to mature and know when to commit and stay faithful.

    He’s clearly still playing games. He knows how I feel towards him so he most likely wants to keep me there but he also wants to keep her. Apparently they’re still together even when we were hanging out and he called me babe.

    I know he still loves me I feel it. I mean come on I know him but he’s trying to hold back and I don’t know why. Even his aunt told me. But you’re right, right now probably wouldn’t be the best time for us to get back.

    Like you said he needs to have fun and do everything he feels he needs to do before we can get back. He needs his freedom like I do too. I don’t consider myself to be a terrible person even if I was needy. I’d like to think of myself as a loyal girlfriend who was always there for him so I know he’s going to miss that and realize one day he messed up.

    He needs to make his mistakes on his own so he won’t make them if were to get back together.

  • Desa richards April 10, 2015, 12:39 pm

    Thank you

  • Andrew April 10, 2015, 2:35 pm

    Hey, I have a question regarding the letter. If a girl i hurt lives somewhere abroad and i cant give her the letter personally. Can i make a video apology on skype or something telling her everything like in the letter.

    Regards,

    • Kevin April 11, 2015, 5:47 am

      I think making a video will probably make it look like you are putting too much effort into it. Sending an email will be a better option.

  • Anjali April 15, 2015, 7:15 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    Hope all’s well. Haven’t posted here in a while and thought I’d fill you in. I followed your advice and waited to see how I felt before I acted. He said he loved me again to which I didn’t respond and initiated a conversation to see where this was going. I asked him if he has intentions of getting back together and he said he didn’t know. I said what I want to do is work towards getting back together in which case it’s be ok to say I love you and stuff but it’s been confusing me otherwise. He said he understood and he’d stop saying it. He said he needed some time to think about my proposal because he is really hesitant about long distance and feels like it won’t work. In the meantime we’ve been talking as friends and texting/talking more frequently than we ever have since the break up. It’s nice that he’s not saying he loves me anymore because it reduces confusion

    But I’m kind of worried that if he stops saying it and we keep talking as friends like this he’ll just move on and switch to seeing me as a friend. Was it a bad move to say that we shouldn’t say it unless we’re really trying to get back together?

    I’ve been trying not to bring up relationship talk because that seems to ruin things every time they get better. Conversations have definitely been more fun and enjoyable I think he’s more likely to want to try long distance again if he’s more convinced it won’t fail.

    I’ve been enjoying talking to him but I feel a little nervous that I told him to stop saying he loves me unless he wants to get back together. I’m not sure if it was a good move or not.

    Anjali

    • Kevin April 16, 2015, 2:03 am

      I think it was a good move. You are setting boundaries which shows that you respect yourself. And I don’t think it’s going to have any effect on him moving on. If anything, it’ll make you more attractive since you are taking control of the situation and doing what you think is right for yourself.

  • Daniel April 16, 2015, 2:33 am

    My boyfriend told me that he needed a break and time. I am going to follow your steps and hope for the best. Great article btw

  • Micah April 16, 2015, 6:14 am

    Thank you, Kevin.
    Of all the websites I read while coping with my first breakup, this was the most helpful for me. I read it several times over the past few months. Again, thank you. –Micah

  • e.p. April 18, 2015, 5:32 pm

    I have a question.
    Does still being angry with one another mean there’s still strong feelings?
    I’m just asking cause I don’t feel there’s not any much anger left between me and my ex so could that mean the feelings aren’t there anymore? I mean I know my feelings are but like his?
    We get along perfectly when we’re around each other.

    • Kevin April 20, 2015, 3:41 am

      Being angry with each other means there are still strong feelings. But the opposite is not necessarily true. As is apparent from your feelings. Besides, every person is different.

  • Australia April 20, 2015, 6:53 am

    Hi again Kevin,

    My ex and I have been chatting a lot recently. We broke up last August. She has told me that she misses me. She is with someone else. When she was unable to reach me for a few days she got really worried and upset because she thought she had done something to upset me.

    I have been wondering if I should tell her that I am crushing on her again. For a long time I didn’t care if I got her back, but now I do. Now it sucks that she is dating someone else. She has admitted to me that she is unsure about her current relationship etc, all the information here says to wait on her, but I will like I need to tell her. Let her know how I am feeling. If she doesn’t feel the same, then that’s it. If she does feel the same, then that’s amazing.

    • Kevin April 25, 2015, 7:52 am

      I will recommend you wait for her relationship to fall apart before making a move. But if you want to go for it, then go for it. I think enough time has passed and from what you said, I think you will probably get a positive response.

      • Australia April 26, 2015, 2:06 am

        Thanks for the advice. The only thing I am worried about is the fact that I am currently on another continent. I will however be back in the same city soon, but then have to leave again for a month.

        Should I wait until I get back?

        • Kevin April 27, 2015, 4:17 am

          When you get back, see if she wants to meet up. I think it’ll be better if you go out with her at least once (preferably twice) before telling her how you feel.

          • Australia May 18, 2015, 8:08 pm

            Thanks for the advice Kevin. She was pretty insistent on meeting me my first day back, but couldn’t because of work, we ended up hanging out the next morning, taking the dogs to a park. Then I had to leave for another city for about three weeks. I’ll see how much she stays in contact, or how much she wants to meet up after I come back.

            Depending on that, I’ll end up telling her how I feel, because I cannot wait for her current relationship to end, as I feel it won’t in a time frame I’d be happy with.

          • Kevin May 21, 2015, 9:02 am

            Good luck. :)

  • stoyan April 20, 2015, 7:18 am

    Hi kevin,just a quick update.So i spoke to my ex one month ago and she initially agreed to visit me at home,but she had some conditions.I wont be able to stay for more than an hour and so on and i cancelled and told her that i’m not interested in being her friend and if she would like to date me,just to call.So another 20 days passed and i called her by a mistake,but decided to take the opportunity and ask her out.So initially she will agree.We will set up a date and 2 days later she called me to ask why do i want to see her.I told her that i just want to meet her dink some beers and have fun.She told me that she doesn’t think it is appropriate because she is in a relationship and to meet another time in the future and she would want to let me know that she is interested in friendship,nothing more than that.I told her to call me if she wants to date me.So could you explain.Is she over me?Was this relationship real or she was seeking some reaction.If so what is the chance for that relationship to be rebound?Why is she hot and cold non stop.I forgot to mention a good friend of mine called her to beg to give me a chance.I didn’t know about that.I guess i have no chance,but still a little insid will be appreciated.

    Thank you,
    Stoyan

    • stoyan April 20, 2015, 7:20 am

      We split almost 1 and a half month ago and she left me a month before that.

    • Kevin April 25, 2015, 7:54 am

      Hey Stoyan,

      Her relationship is probably a rebound. I will suggest you take the false friendship approach instead of asking her to date you directly. It will give her an excuse to spend time with you and will give you an opportunity to rebuild attraction.

      • stoyan April 25, 2015, 1:36 pm

        Hi Kevin,thank you for your help.I don’t know how to ask her to stay friends anymore .should i call her now,should i wait another month.What should be my approach,because she is getting hot and called and i think because of my friend bothering her she sees me as weak and wouldn’t like to the friendship at that moment.The last time i told her to not bother me, unless she wants to date me.Wouldn’t it be weak to call her now and tell her that i have reconsidered and would like to be friends?Your help is much appreciated

        • stoyan April 25, 2015, 1:36 pm

          Thanks Kevin

        • Kevin April 27, 2015, 4:14 am

          Do no contact for a month. And then contact her. Don’t mention anything about being friends or dating unless she asks. Just ask her to catch up.

          • stoyan April 28, 2015, 5:31 pm

            Hey Kevin,
            Thank you very much for helping me.Just out of curiosity why do you think she will be interested in going out with me after another month ,when she turned me down the last time? The first time i called her ,she was really positive and agreed to meet me at my place.The second time i called she’s been cold ,but agreed to meet me and 2 days later cancelled.What i’m asking basically if the things with the other guy are getting more serious,wouldn’t she be more cold towards me.I really don’t know what to do in that situation,i’m afraid that it will come as too needy.On the positive side,she didn’t delete any of her facebook pictures and she didn’t upload any new pictures(Why would she want to keep those pictures ,if she is in a relationship already?)

            Thank you ,
            Stoyan

          • Kevin April 30, 2015, 9:51 am

            Like I said before, her relationship is probably a rebound. And after a month, chances are it will only get weaker. I think you have a better chance after a month of no contact and a few text conversations. On the other hand, if you keep texting her right now and asking her to meet you, it will look needy especially after your friend’s incident and the fact that she already cancelled on you once. A month will give you a clean slate to start again.

  • e.p. April 22, 2015, 3:48 am

    I guess I’ve given all hope on my ex. Not cause I’m over him but because this relationship he’s in seems to be too much of a roller-coaster for him. I was out with his sister the other day and we started off talking about her guy problems but then ended up talking about mine.

    She told me how she didn’t like his new girlfriend, that she wasn’t bringing anything good to her brother. That she was just a girl with issues. She then told me that he’s always like “man I’m over this hoe” “I’m just going to drop this hoe off and get her out my life” yet he doesn’t. She said se told him to not tell her anything until he means it.

    She also told him how he worries more about her than our daughter. She told me she doesn’t know her to not like her but she doesn’t care to know her. That she doesn’t bring anything good to her family. She said her brother is still unemployed and his girlfriend doesn’t even motivate him to go get a job.

    I told her I was helping. That I’d send him some I saw that he’d qualify for. She also said she knows he’s going to come looking for me but for me to not wait on him. She said to just keep trying to live and get my life together.

    She said her and her guy best friend(mutual friend) were talking about us and he said that he knows my ex is going to come back to me that he’s a guy and just being stupid but that when he decides to come it’s going to be up to me whether I take him back or not and if I don’t then he’s f*cked.

    It’s funny how everyone is sure he’s going to come back. The 5 months are up. I guess I’m finally losing hope since the first time we were separated it was for 5 months. I want to lose full hope so I can get over him.

    • Anjali April 23, 2015, 7:20 pm

      Hey E.P :( I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m right there with you:( I think we started posting here around the same time. Its been 7/8 months since I broke up with my ex. We did 2 months of no contact and he contacted me and I thought we’d get back together. We were in this in between space for a while where he told me he loved me but couldnt handle long distance…. I only recently told him to stop saying it and he has but it scares me. What if he moves on? I’m definitely not over him and I can really relate to what you’re saying. I wish I could stop loving him or give up all hope. He gives me signs he likes me so I’m stilling hanging on….I just want him to tell me he’s done with it. Thought I’d let you know you’re not alone and other people feel the same.

      • e.p. April 24, 2015, 11:52 pm

        Hello Anjali :)
        well at least your ex would tell you he loves you. Mine told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore and that he didn’t love me anymore either. Of course this was said when he first broke up with me 5 months ago. About a month ago I sent him a long message telling how I felt. How I was still in love with him and how I knew he still did too. We just have that natural chemistry. He didn’t reply but I didn’t expect him to. Anyways after that like the following week he gave me a mixed signal twice but then after that completely ignored me. I haven’t seen or spoke to him in 2 weeks well he just called me trying to pick up our daughter but anyways this sucks. I just want my family back together.
        Wish you the best. Hope you can get your ex back if that’s who you truly want to be with. I just pray I can get my ex back.

    • Kevin April 25, 2015, 8:10 am

      Hey e.p.,

      I think you are mostly concentrating on him coming back to you and not you moving on. I can see how having hope of him coming back can stop you from getting over him. I think it might be a good idea to give up hope. Just for the sake of moving on. It might be painful. But I think at this point, it’s necessary. You are forgetting the fact that he cheated on you many times. Was lying constantly and didn’t respect you much. You can do a lot better than that. Whether or not he will come back, should be irrelevant. You need to let him go to become emotionally available for someone who you deserve.

  • Hayley April 22, 2015, 12:16 pm

    Hey Kevin!
    Your advice is amazing! I really have been having a roughy 3 days trying to figure out how to work things out with my ex and I have been so confused. I’m definitely going to give this step by step a shot!! You are a great guy! Appreciate it so much!!

  • e.p. April 25, 2015, 1:49 am

    Kevin please help me. I’m going a bit crazy. I have done no contact for 2 weeks well he called me just now but to pick up our daughter tomorrow. He sent a bit of mixed signals the last time we were together but now is like nothing. The whole story is above this comment.

  • e.p. April 25, 2015, 2:15 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    Thank you for replying. Yes I think I do need to really try to let go to be open to dating again in the future. I just love him so much but that really shouldn’t matter. You’re right he did do me wrong for so long and I should try to find someone who treats me right. I need to work on myself and just worry about me but I still end up thinking about him and if he maybe thinks of me too.

    Since he gave me mixed signals last time I took it as something more but I should’ve just took it as nothing. I’m sure he feels I won’t be getting over him anytime soon and especially cause the text message I had sent him a month ago that’s why he doesn’t even feel scared of losing me but I should show him it’s possible.

    I’m about to start a new job real soon hopefully that just keeps me distracted a lot. I’m sure it will though. Thank you so much Kevin.

  • Alvin April 30, 2015, 5:39 am

    Thanks alot.
    I’ll try this out and I just HOPE this works, but I already broke the first few rules about going behind, Hope is still works.
    Thanks Kevin.

  • Aaron Thomas May 1, 2015, 3:07 pm

    Hi,

    My girlfriend and I have been going out for 2 years. Due to some incidents of her exs and insecurities of herself in her past, she wants to be “just friends” with me all of a sudden and wants to get back after she is alright. She says there is no other guy she is after and she finds me the best guy she’s ever been with. But she wants to be friends and i dont know why or what to do. Could you please advice?

    • Kevin May 2, 2015, 11:39 am

      Hey Aaron,

      Since you have already completed no contact, I don’t see any harm in staying friends with her for now. Just agree with her. But make it clear that you will not be waiting for her forever. Tell her you want to be with her but you will not stick around if she wants to keep you as a backup. And set a time limit for yourself. Whatever her issues are, give yourself a realistic time period based on that. And if she doesn’t want to get back together after that time period, give her an ultimatum. If she says no, move on.

    • Roger May 4, 2015, 4:05 am

      Hey Aaron,
      Mine is the same case. I don’t understand why she wants to be just friends when she was in such a great relationship in past. Now she’s with a guy who was in relationship with her in past. When we talked after the no contact period, she said she love me very much but as a friend. She is still in relation with this guy, although it is an on-off relationship. Just can’t understand what to do. Hope Kevin will give us a good solution.

  • k May 5, 2015, 3:30 pm

    This was the single most helpful article I have found on the internet in this subject area, I swear it is. Thank you!

  • Anjali May 5, 2015, 10:29 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    It’s been about 3 weeks since I told him to stop telling me he loves me unless he wants to work things out. We agreed to talk as friends and see where things go. At first things went really well during the first week. We talked on the phone several nights a week and he was saying good morning/ good night and initiated calls too. Then he got really busy and we stopped talking on the phone but he still texted me once or twice a day.

    After that, he suddenly dropped off the face of the planet while he was busy and didn’t respond to my texts. Then, he sporadically texted me the 4-5 days later the second week to ask how I was doing to see if I was ok because he’d heard something on the news about my area having mudslides. I guess it was nice he checked to see I was ok, despite being busy. We texted some more that day and then this previous weekend he went mostly MIA only to ask me how my day/ weekend was going. No major extensive conversation like the first week. I’m not really sure how to interpret this.

    Also, this weekend he was really free and told me about a bunch of fun stuff with his friends, but he never asked me if I free to chat or catch up or anything either. I’m not sure if I should initiate phone calls again or leave it on him. Last time he said he needed time for us as friends to see if he’d want to try long distance again. I sort of feel the pressure of having good conversations with him or he’s not going to want to try a relationship again. At the same time, I feel like he should really be initaiting since he’s the one who got busy and thats why we stopped talking on the phone much to begin with. At this point I feel like I’ve done everything I can and I should leave it up to him to initiate. But I also don’t want to be passive aggressive/ play games and not talk to him on purpose.

    We also stopped saying we love each other which was my idea, but I feel insecure about it now. What if he just gets over me? He had a ton of free time with his friends this weekend and seems really occupied with that and doesn’t seem worried about losing me like he was before. I can’t tell now, since I told him to stop telling me he loved me. I’m really confused and it help to know what you think about the situation from a third perspective. I’m getting very confusing feelings from all this.

    Thanks,
    Anjali

    • Anjali May 5, 2015, 10:33 pm

      ***I sort of want to ask him if he wants to catch up, because I want to talk, but at the same time I just wish it came from him and maybe I should just keep distant. But I don’t like the passive aggressive tension it might create, when in truth I’m naturally just inclined to talk to him. I am going through these phases where I feel really resentful and upset at him because he doesn’t want to put in a ton of effort to work things out but at the same time I really love him and I believe he loves me too, but just doesn’t want to deal with the complicated ness of it all.

      • Kevin May 8, 2015, 8:11 am

        Hey Anjali,

        I think it was the right decision to stop saying that you love each other. It helps define boundaries and shows that you know what you want and you won’t settle for less. I don’t think he is going to move on simply because of this. If I recall correctly, you two have had quite a bit of no contact and he always came back. This is no different. I think if you want to talk to him, you should initiate. Just don’t be the one to be always initiating. Once you initiate, give him some time to to initiate next. Like a week or two. This way, you don’t look needy.

        • anjali May 8, 2015, 12:07 pm

          Well, since its been like 2.5 weeks since we talked on the phone should I wait some more and see if he initiates a phone call or do it myself? I just feel like eventually its always me who gives in and initiates something and rarely him. Im still really confused why we were talking everyday for the first week and he was saying good morning and stuff and just randomly stopped. It doesn’t make sense to me. Does it make sense to you? It just seems so sporadic. The first week it was almost daily phone calls and good mornings and goodnights and then he suddenly stopped.

          • Kevin May 11, 2015, 1:38 am

            Maybe he is just taking some time for himself. It’s hard to guess the reasons for his actions. And I think it’s best not to over analyse them since it only leads to confusion.. I think you should wait another week before initiating.

  • e.p. May 6, 2015, 3:10 am

    Hello Kevin,
    So last week on Wednesday we decided to have a family day, just to spend it with our daughter and take her out. We were mature about it. Anyways that whole day he spent it with us and everything was going great. He was playing with our daughter and joking around with me. We were playing games and everything was going perfect.

    There was a moment when a guy came up to me and then left and then my ex came up to me and said be careful with that guy he’s weird. The guy later came back up to me and was talking to me and then my ex saw that from a far and walked up to us and stood right next to me and gave the guy a look I then said something to my ex about leaving to not make this situation big or anything.

    We left and ended up hanging out with our friends. I was walking to the store alone with my daughter and he was going to go somewhere wit my friend’s bf which is also his friend but then saw me walking alone and decided to walk with me to the store. He was also saying “we need to get our daughter a puppy” and talking about getting her a pet. I found it weird but maybe just over thinking that.

    I did notice he was on his phone a lot like texting with someone but all I got to see was the area code he didn’t have the number saved. The area code belonged to where his gf lived before. I found it odd that he didn’t have the number saved. Anyways he still stayed there all day and the day was fun.

    He had also mentioned to me earlier that day when he first picked us up that he wanted to take our daughter to Disneyland and I said he should that she would love it and then he said he had already asked his neighbor to get us tickets to go. Then he said our other friends should go too. We use to hang out a lot together with this couple they have a daughter our daughter’s age. Anyways he said he asked his neighbor for 4 tickets (me,him and the couple) he said we should all go together and that sometimes this month.

    I know he’s not lying about it because my friend (the girl) told me my ex told her bf about it. I was surprised he had involved me into this. This came from him.

    Like 2 days later my friend told me that my ex told him that same day we had the family day like just out of no where that his gf was stalking me on facebook. That he went through her phone & saw she stayed on my page & that he confronted her about it saying why are you on her page? Stop stalking my baby momma. He said it’s creepy and that she didn’t say anything. She must see me as a threat.

    He also told me that he’s trying to let her go slowly and he’s starting to push her away and is planning to come back to me. Now I don’t know if that’s true or not sure how exactly he said it lol but actions speaker louder than words so that I’m not gonna believe.

    • Kevin May 8, 2015, 8:18 am

      I think he is showing good signs. However, this doesn’t mean he is ready for a long term healthy relationship. From what you said, he is still not mature enough. He can not let go of his girlfriend and is trying to do it slowly. He is getting jealous of guys. Not to mention, he didn’t have any time after the breakup just for himself, to learn more about himself and figure out what he really wants. And I don’t suppose he has shown any guilt or remorse about cheating during the relationship.

  • Lovisa May 8, 2015, 2:37 am

    Hi everyone! I know this is not about my ex.. well.. kind off? i would really need some advice .. basically, I’m 19, and he’s 19 too, we have a distancerelationship and we’re too similar in attitude and different things.. I tell him when i get hurt from something he did.. and he does it in the same way! but the problem is that he thinks I’m trying to hurt him when i tell him.. And ofcourse i think the same way when he tells me something i did! we actually ‘ broke up ‘ for 2 days ago, but in the same time we wanted to be with eachother! But we knew it would’nt work out because of fights and insecurities.. we talked, and i took the train to him yesterday so we could talk more! he Said nothing.. i Said everything i needed to say! like i came to realize things i did wrong! and believe me.. i took him for granted! i do that alot because of my exes got me everything.. well when we saw eachother, we had in mind that we we’re going to be single, it felt so awkward being around him! before i went home i told him that my heart Said that i wanted to solve things with him and be with him! 1h after, he Said that he wanted that too! but now .. it’s like we don’t know If things are going to work out but we still want to try..
    I think he had so strong feelings for me in the relationship so there is still a chance.. but we’re been fighting alot the last months.. Is there anyone in here who can relate? Or give me some advice? ;/ thank you!

    • Kevin May 8, 2015, 8:22 am

      Hey Lovisa,

      Take some time off from each other and think things through. Tell him it’s a good idea to take a break from each other instead of breakup. During this time, learn some communication skills. Tell him to do the same. If your problem is just communication, then it can be easily solved. You just need to learn how to communicate. I highly recommend the book “Non-violent communications” By Marshall Rosenberg. Look into it.

      • Lovisa May 8, 2015, 3:48 pm

        Hi Kevin! He actually came to my house today.. we broke up :/ i actually felt reliefe, i think i need to let the infected parts of our relationship go.. we both want to be with eachother, he actually Said that he needs time to let things go and after that maybe go back.. do you think i have a chance? it feels alright now but i know it’s gonna hurt sooner or later.. thank you so much!

  • Lovisa May 9, 2015, 4:03 am

    Hi again! how do i act now when we broke up? We both know that we want to be with eachother but we can’t.. it’s because we had already in thoughts that we we’re better off single, that actually made it more Ok to break up! for 2 days ago, he said that he wanted to give us a chance.. but when we met yesterday, i said to him ‘ maybe that chance you wanted, isn’t for now.. but maybe after we’ve moved on and stuff ‘ we said yesterday, that we have to let go of past things that happened.. and he said he wants to meet me soon in summer! he also said that maybe we find eachother again after we’ve moved on and he did want to be with me now even if we can’t.. I said to him, you can write to me whenever you want, but i think we have to move on first a bit and then we can maybe talk again, and maybe find eachother again..
    The story between us is in another comment, but if it makes things more clear, he has told me that ‘ i’ve never been so happy, ‘ ‘ you have all the things i’ve searched for in a girl ‘ and he had futureplans with me actually!

    I just need some advice.. do you Kevin, or anyone else think that we have a chance after we’ve moved on or so? i will take things as it comes and i just hope we’re finding eachother again after we’ve let go of the bad things!

    • Kevin May 11, 2015, 1:39 am

      Yes, I think you have a chance even after you’ve moved on. Like I said before, work on your communication skills and try to figure out what caused all the issues in the relationship. Do no contact for a month or two and then get back in touch with him.

      • Lovisa May 12, 2015, 1:11 am

        Hi kevin! i’m gonna do what you told me!
        But what if, i uploaded a pic to insta yesterday and wrote that i’m going to get a new tattoo soon, which is true! right after he saw that,
        He wrote to me on facebook! asking how i was feeling and he did ask what tattoo i was gonna get.. we’re both into tattoos so i think he saw a opportunity to write to me .. it was a ‘ good ‘ break up, so should i answer just to be nice? i haven’t answered him yet.. Thank you!

        • Kevin May 12, 2015, 8:23 am

          You can answer. But let him know that it’s better if you both don’t talk to each other for a while. Let him know that you think it’s best for you to not communicate with him as it will help the healing process and give you two the much needed space.

          • Lovisa May 12, 2015, 12:47 pm

            Kevin.. he told me everything was fine, ‘ boring and lonely but fine ‘ i just said that i was going out for a run and goodbye, what now ? :/

          • Kevin May 14, 2015, 6:56 am

            Don’t do anything. Continue no contact and keep working on yourself.

          • Lovisa May 15, 2015, 3:16 am

            Hey Kevin! i haven’t done anything since that thing, but he got a tattoo yesterday and sent a snapchat to me, my sister and mum.. you can put it on ‘ mystory ‘ so everyone you have on snapchat can see it, but he didn’t do that! do you have any ideas why he’s doing like this? is it because he takes for granted that i’m answering? please help :/

          • Lovisa May 15, 2015, 5:30 am

            And now he wrote to me on Facebook ‘ does the tattoo hurt? ‘ should i ignore or answer? my friends tell me to ignore :/

          • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:48 am

            Hey Lovisa,

            If you are unsure, you can just tell him clearly that you don’t want to speak to him for a while and you need space and time. After that, you can ignore him. Remember, ignoring him and doing no contact will be of no use if you don’t use the time to work on the issues that caused the breakup. If I remember correctly, it was communication issues. So work on that. Take classes, read books or go to a therapist. If you want, let him know as well what you are doing to work on the issues. It’s not about playing games or holding the upper hand. If you want that relationship to work, you have to work on yourself.

          • Lovisa May 18, 2015, 5:04 am

            Kevin should i tell him to don’t talk to me for awhile or should i ignore and keep doing NC? it’s kind of confusing right now because we had a ‘good’ breakup.. it was mutual! does my chance of getting him back decrease if i don’t reply him or is it better if i don’t answer him? he wrote to me this saturday and it’s monday today! Please help :)

            Lovisa

  • stoyan May 11, 2015, 4:16 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    22 days of no contact and
    my ex called but i was not able to pick up the phone.Two hours later i return the call and she won’t pick up.Maybe she dialed a wrong number or something?

    Thank you ,
    Stoyan

    • Kevin May 12, 2015, 8:17 am

      Maybe. Maybe not. Don’t overthink it. Continue no contact.

    • stoyan May 15, 2015, 1:47 pm

      Hello Kevin,

      Another call from my ex.The phone was ringing for a good minute and a half.I didn’t pick up on purpose.2 hours later i return the call.She called me that time and she is why do you call me.I called you because i had a missed call from you.No i didn’t call you,i don’t have the call in my outbound calls.I said its the second time in two days,would you like to meet me and she is like i don’t think it is appropriate.I said let’s meet up on Saturday and she says:I don’t want to,maybe later.I said ok delete my number and don’t call me then and she told me : Ok, I won’t bother you anymore.What was that?

      Thanks,
      Stoyan

      • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:55 am

        Your response showed that you are still hurt and needy. When she refused your invitation, you got hurt and attacked back. Bad move. I’ll suggest you continue no contact and send an apology text next week for being rude. Keep it short and let her know that you need time to deal with the breakup and maybe you can catch up with her sometime later. 2 weeks after that, send her a text and see how she respond. Keep it light initially and if she is responding well, ask her out after a couple of days of texting.

        • stoyan May 21, 2015, 9:03 am

          Hey Kevin,
          Next day after we spoke she send an emoticon in facebook and said that was a mistake,my response was ok ,happens.The next day she removed our pictures.
          Do you think she still has feelings.Why did she even call in first place.Why did she remove the pictures now?

          Thanks Stoyan
          Thanks ,
          Stoyan

  • anjali May 11, 2015, 9:03 pm

    well, I asked him if he wanted to catch up on friday. he texted me back saturday and said ” yea it would be nice.” He didn’t tell me when he’d be free/didn’t ask if I was. I texted him back late sat night asking when he was free. He still hasn’t responded. I am worried that this means he’s just moved on and doesn’t care as anymore and feels like life is just fine/ better without me :(

    It just makes me so sad to think that he stopped caring so quickly and here I am still wanting him in my life. I feel pretty pathetic. I realize its been over 8 months since we’re broken up and I’m still not over him or moved on sigh. I just feel so resigned at this point. I’m smart, educated, accomplished, in medical school and about to be a doctor and I’m stuck on some guy.

    It feels so degrading. I feel my life and I so much more than this and him but I can’t stop loving him and it’s making everything else horrible. It’s not like I’m incapable of supporting myself emotionally and financially and need to rely on a guy and can’t do anything better with my life. I’ve tried dating, engaging in hobbies more, socializing, not focusing on him etc. everything. But nothing makes it better and I still keep wanting to be with him. On the other hand, he seems to have replaced his time with 10 other social/work related things and finds it just as fulfilling and doesn’t need me anymore. Its so unfair. I feel like I’m destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life and I’ll never move on.

    • Kevin May 12, 2015, 8:22 am

      Hey Anjali,

      At this point, I think getting professional help can help tremendously. Since it’s been 8 months, and you have pretty much tried everything to move on, I think there are deeper issues at play here than just this guy and your relationship with him. Talk therapy can help you uncover them and discover the true reasons for your unhappiness and inability to move on.

      Also, I don’t believe that he has moved on. But, I will recommend you don’t focus on that and use it as an excuse to continue having hope etc. Instead, get help in determining the ’cause of your inability to move on.

  • e.p. May 12, 2015, 4:23 am

    Hello Kevin,
    Thank you for replying. I don’t think he’s ready either. He needs some time to himself and even if he was to leave her and come back to me he’d have to prove himself to me. I wouldn’t just take him back like nothing ever happened cause it did and there’s no denying that.

    I feel the same way like he’s not letting her go. I mean if he truly wanted her out he’d be straight up with her, supposedly he doesn’t cause she has nowhere to go and doesn’t want to leave her out in the streets but I don’t know.

    One of my friend’s told me” You know what sucks is that I know he loves you but he knows you love him and your willing to stick around and that’s why I feel he isn’t scared to lose you” and its true I’m sure he thinks that, that’s why he’s not scared but he doesn’t want to see guys talking to me either.

    No he hasn’t really been showing any kind of guilt. Well at least to me it doesn’t look nor feel like it. My friend was telling me the one that we use to hang out with as a couple she said he’s gone over her house to hang out with her bf and that when he see her daughter that’s our daughter’s age that he stares at her like he misses our daughter. She says she’s sure he misses us, our family but again actions speak louder than words.

    After all this we are back to no contact. It’s going to be 2 weeks again of no contact. Mixed signals all over again. It’s now 6 months since we split and I’m still no over him. It’s earier to cope with now but still hoping for that day he comes back to me telling me he’s ready to be fully committed to me and our family.

    I guess I just dream too big because I just don’t see that happening anytime soon.

    • Kevin May 12, 2015, 8:26 am

      Hey e.p.,

      This dream is the reason you are not over him yet and won’t be any time soon. Unless you let go of that, you won’t be able to truly grieve and move on. But I know it’s hard since all the signs and everyone around you is saying that it will happen. 6 months is a long time. Have you asked yourself how long are you willing to wait for him?

  • buddy May 12, 2015, 4:58 am

    Hey kevin, thanks for the advice im sure it will help!! i just came out a relationship yesterday after 5 years of being together… i was doing it all wrong so im glad i found this! thanks.

  • anjali May 12, 2015, 9:26 am

    I actually have been seeing a therapist every two weeks. According to her what I’m going through is normal. I have shown some improvement and not as miserable as I used to be, getting on with my life etc, but I still miss him/ want to be with him. I’m not sure anyone but me can change that but I’m going to continue seeing the therapist and hope it helps.

  • Anjali May 12, 2015, 9:30 am

    I also feel like the major issue here is that frankly I don’t want to move on and that I believe it was a really good relationship when we were together and letting it go is a mistake. I want it to work out and still love him. I’m having a hard time believing it was bad and wrong and that we’re bad together. It’s not like he cheated on me. Distance is not his fault or my fault. So that makes it easier to wait for him because technically nothing went wrong. Idk if there’s a way to could terms that logic and make myself believe that it’s time to move on.

    • Kevin May 14, 2015, 6:55 am

      Hey Anjali,

      A lot of relationships that end in breakup are perfect, except for one tiny little flaw.

      He is perfect for me, if only he could solve his drinking problem.
      She is perfect, if only he could only learn how to control her anger.
      We were perfect for each other, if only we had better jobs and were financially secure.
      We would have been great together, if only we could find more time with each other.

      In your case, this tiny little flaw is that you couldn’t make it work with long distance. If he had a drinking problem or he was abusive (which are both fixable problems), what would you have done? You would have asked him to fix the problem and you would have supported him in fixing the issue. And still if he wasn’t able to do so, you would have broken up and moved on. If you told him to fix his drinking problem, and eight months later, he still comes home drunk and starts abusing you, would you still wait for him? Telling yourself that it’s not like he cheated on you.

      I know there’s a big difference between a drinking problem and not moving on from a long distance breakup. But both issues are bad for YOU. You are still not happy with your life and your relationship with him. In fact, it’s making you confused, draining your emotional and mental energy, and keeping you from moving on and growing in your life.

      So if he is not willing to fix the problem that’s causing you distress, shouldn’t you move on?

  • e.p. May 12, 2015, 1:10 pm

    It is hard woth everyone saying that and him sending mixed signals. I hadn’t really put thought into how long I was willing to wait for him. It was just like in how long I can get over him or feel like it’s ok now to move on. 6 months is a long time.

    I want to say I’ll give him up to a year but I don’t want to be wasting my time either. 6 more months for the year. I think I’m just expecting too much from someone who isn’t ready to handle my love and loyalty. Someone who is more into his selfish needs than his family needs.

    I’m just gonna have to move on and see other people while still being in love with him. I just didn’t want to do that cause I don’t find it fair for the person or myself.

    I told him I wouldn’t be waiting for him and I am open to going on dates but no guy has caught my attention like that.

    • Kevin May 14, 2015, 6:58 am

      Hey e.p.,

      As long as you don’t make any big commitments while dating other people, I think you are fine. Just keep your intentions clear and let them know that you are not looking for anything serious. I know it’ll be hard to be interested in someone while you are still in love with him, but putting yourself out there will help you move forward. Even if it’s little, it’s still progress.

      • e.p. May 14, 2015, 2:50 pm

        Thank you Kevin. I will try :)

  • justin May 12, 2015, 3:50 pm

    Kevin the legend really really helpful article mate I already feel much much better just one question would it make any difference if your ex was following same steps or something similar?

    • Kevin May 14, 2015, 6:59 am

      It’s even better if they are taking time off and decide to work on themselves and their issues during no contact.

  • Paul Smith May 14, 2015, 9:46 am

    Hi Kevin, I already commented this page before, but you didn’t approve it, I also tried to post my question in the Boards but I got no answer. Can you give me any help with my situation?

    My girlfriend and I broke up about 1 month and 1 week ago. She just told me that she had been demotivated for some time and even though she always said it would be something temporary, it wasn’t and she saw me more as a friend recently. We dated for about 8 months.

    We broke up without any type of fight, or argument, it was extremely peaceful, I just told her that if that’s what she thought, I couldn’t do much about it, but that I didn’t want to give up on her. She told me that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and wanted to keep speaking with me because she likes to do it.

    After 1 week of speaking “normally”, I decided to start NC with her and that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 31 days. She skyped me 6 or 7 times during this period and we ended up talking. I never started any conversation with her (except last friday where I just went to told her that I was going to be in a foreign country for a week), it was always her who started them. The conversations have been positive, she usually asks me how I am, how are things going, if there’s anything new and we end up joking around a bit. I always try to tell her that I’m good and always try to seem happy, even if it’s not completely true.

    We work in the same place and I was away from the office for 3 weeks, so I didn’t see her, but last week I was back and every time I passed by her desk she always tried to make funny comments. She even called me to see something related to work on her computer in one of the days.

    I spoke recently to her best friend and she told me that she thinks that I should speak normally to my ex because she appears to be a little bit sad, even though she never admits that she is.

    She’s a very stubborn and proud person, so I don’t think it will be easy for her to change her mind. She’s usually the type of person that takes a decision and doesn’t go back.

    I’m a little bit lost and at this point I’m not sure about what will be the best approach. I’m not sure if I should still continue with NC with her for a little bit more or if I should try to implement some of the things from Relationship Rewind. Any hints?

    Thanks.

    • Kevin May 21, 2015, 9:11 am

      Hey Paul,

      First of all, I will recommend doing complete no contact for a while (not talking even if she initiates). At least two weeks. Let her know that you need space and time to deal with the breakup. After that, you can ignore her whenever she contacts you. Try going on dates during this no contact and making some changes in your life. When no contact is over, get back in touch with her. You can use the tactics in Relationship Rewind at this point.

  • Andrew5 May 15, 2015, 6:23 pm

    Hi Kevin
    How long does it take to approve a post on the board?

    Thanks A

    • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:52 am

      Usually within 24 hrs. Sometimes 48 hrs.

  • e.p. May 18, 2015, 5:45 am

    Hello Kevin. I need some advice. So I’m not sure if he is but I just want him to know just in case he decides. I plan to say all this in person since I feel in text he won’t take me seriously. Do you think this is ok? What I’m saying to him? Do you think this could make him start thinking about changing his ways? As a guy would this make you think?

    “I need to talk to you about something very serious. You might hate me after & not want to talk to me but it needs to be said. I would hate to find out that you’re getting involved into harder drugs with this girl. Honestly I use to admire your hustle, your grind. You were a hardworking man & I maybe never showed that but I did appreciate what you did for our daughter & I.

    Now you’ve changed so much. Anything that happens to you hurts me & not only cause of the love I have for you but because you’re my daughter’s dad. You have to think if anything bad was to happen to me she would be given to you & if you’re in bad steps how can I feel safe knowing she will be with you. Anything bad happens to you it also affects her not only yourself & honestly I don’t want you disappearing from her life but you have the tendency of doing that. She sees you one week you disappear for 2-3 weeks then come back like nothing. You don’t bother to ask how she’s doing or anything.

    If you’re hitting some hard drugs I’d hate to see you go down for some girl that isn’t bettering your life or even doing anything to motivate you. If you’re gonna be disappearing on our daughter & hit hard drugs & you’re gonna be killing yourself slowly then I don’t want you around our daughter. Just act like you don’t have a kid. Now I’m not sure if you are but I’m just letting you know in case you are. I don’t want our daughter growing up having to deal with a dad being there one day & disappearing the next.

    I never had a dad to begin with but you know the feeling of having your dad & then he’s no longer there. I want you to always be with our daughter. I never want her to not have you. I know you adore her, but you have to start thinking like the grown man you are. You’re going backwards.

    That’s not who you are. Maybe you once we’re back when you were 13-16 but you had changed & you were changing for the better & now you’re becoming someone who I don’t even know. See that everyone around you that you’re pushing away are the people trying to help you, not your enemy. Believe me we all want nothing but the best for you.

    Your family adores you & it hurts them to see you do bad. It hurts me too. We’re not together anymore but you’ll forever be her dad & therefore I will always care about you. Know that it’s time to grow up & make some changes in your life. I know you’d love to give the world to our daughter. Give her nothing but the best but to give her that you have to make some changes.

    I felt the need to tell you something because I know no one else will tell you. I’m trying to motivate you into becoming a better dad, a better person. I told you once before & ima tell you again, I’m always gonna have your back & be there for you but as long as you’re there for our daughter. If you can’t be there for our daughter then don’t expect me to be there for you. If you don’t care enough to show that to her then you’re basically dissing me too. What’s done to her is done to me.

    I let a lot of things slide for the love I have for you but no more. I can’t continue making up excuses for you. Don’t worry I will never throw dirt on your name to her. That’ll be up to her to judge you from how you act with her. I know you’re better than this.

    I know you have all these goals in life. I’m always gonna try to motivate you. Always gonna be behind you 100% but you need to make some changes. I get that we all need our fun years but there’s a difference especially when you have a kid. You’re young & want to have fun but you need to realized what you’re sacrificing for your temporary fun.

    I really hope you take all this in consideration & that when you decide to act on it, it’s not too late. Our daughter & I will always love you no matter what but you have some things to work on & changes to make. Just like I do. We’re still growing.”

    • e.p. May 18, 2015, 2:40 pm

      well not the part of forget you have a kid cause that’s too harsh.

    • Kevin May 21, 2015, 9:07 am

      Hey e.p.,

      Unless you have proof that he is doing hard drugs or have heard something like this from friends or family, I’ll not advise it. You will just come off as an overprotective mother and he will probably respond as a rebellious child by either shutting you out or attacking you back.

      If him disappearing for 2-3 weeks is an issue, then let him know clearly about that. That you expect him to be around his daughter consistently and more often. That her daughter needs to be able to rely on his father being there for her. Other than that, all the hard drugs part just seems redundant.

  • Ally May 19, 2015, 9:42 am

    Its been 7 months since we broke up, hes been single for the last two and I’ve been seeing people here and there. I realized I still want him back and he still is lightly a part of my life through mutual friends. We have gone out drinking, he came to a beach to see me (I left before I knew) and plans to go again with me. Recently he came to pick a friend up. And was very touchy and kept rubbing my back. Anyways, I realized I still feel a lot for him what steps should I take?

  • e.p. May 21, 2015, 1:23 pm

    Well some friends and one of his cousins are the ones that told me that they think he is. They’re not sure themselves but I can see why saying all of that to then would be irrelevant since I have no proof whatsoever and that can start some drama up I don’t want. Thank you for that. I was thinking it over a lot cause I felt that was harsh for me to say.

    About him leaving for 2-3 weeks, that I am going to talk to him about. You’re right I should just tell him about the facts not the things I hear of what other people think and aren’t even sure of. Thank you so much.

    I do feel stupid for even considering to tell him something like that. I had wrote that a couple days ago but everyday the feeling of me wanting to him that kept fading everyday. I had already even considered not telling him anymore. Thank you for reassuring me that telling him that would be a terrible thing.

  • Emilis Sukys May 21, 2015, 3:31 pm

    Thanks Kevin, You helped me! :)

  • Louise May 21, 2015, 10:10 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My break-up situation is a little different. But, I’m hoping that you can help me. So, here goes…

    I stumbled across your site this morning as my ex was on my mind (asperusual) and I want to contact him via a letter.

    I broke the rules (I wish i knew of the NC rules at the time) and my ex ended up cutting me off. He changed his number and deleted his email account. This was over a year ago now, but I really miss him. I realize that I messed up by bombarding him with texts and sending him the occasional email. My mistake was apologizing for getting angry at him in some of my texts, then going right back to doing the very thing I promised him I wouldn’t do again.

    I thought that if I continued to text him it would show him how serious I am about wanting to be with him. And show him how much I needed and wanted him. Which was a huge mistake.

    The last contact we had was a text he sent me wanting to see me early last year, but I couldn’t see him because I was away. I feel that me not being able to see him fuelled his anger towards me. Because in his eyes if I love him as much as I profess in my texts why am I constantly rejecting his requests to see me? A huge part of the reason why he cut me off was because I was never available to see him when he wanted to see me. So to him my texts were just words.

    Anyhoo, what I’d like to ask you is would the NC rule apply to me? He still has the SIM card/number, he just isn’t using the SIM in a phone. But every now and again he does use the SIM. I sent him a text saying I missed him about 2mths ago but he didn’t reply.

    I miss him to the point of crying for him. Losing him really hurts, I’m in so much pain that I sometimes don’t feel like I can go on living without him. He made me so happy. I’ve been really, really unhappy without him.

    Something in me as much as I want to move on keeps telling me not to give up and to hold on. I’ve been advised by family members and friends to go and see him. But, I’m a little wary of doing that, because I don’t know what response/reaction I’ll get. I’d much more prefer to mail him a hand written letter, than go and see him. I’m really confused and don’t know what to do.
    Please help!
    Thank you in advance

    PS, I’m 32 and my ex just turned 36…

    Louise

    • Kevin May 22, 2015, 7:47 am

      Hey Louise,

      First of all, I’d advice you to stay away from your ex as long as you feel like you can’t live without him. If you are still so hurt over losing him and are always unhappy, then you need to rebuild your life without him. You need to learn to be happy without him in your life. Unless you can do that, I will not recommend you contact him or go to see him. If you can’t seem to handle the breakup grief yourself, then get help. Go to a therapist. Join a support group.

      When you reach a point where you are OK with the breakup and not having him in your life, then you should go ahead and contact him. You can use any method outlined in the article above. And if his response is positive, then you can ask to meet him. But before anything else, you should be OK with the breakup and be happy despite not having him in your life.

      • Louise May 22, 2015, 5:27 pm

        Thank you so much for replying Kevin. After being in a relationship with him for eleven years on and off, the thought of never seeing him again has been extremely difficult. He was like a best friend to me as well as my partner. I’m so used to being able to pick up the phone and call him and vice versa. I really miss him being a part of my life. I will take your advice on board and rebuild my life before making contact with my ex again.

  • Lovisa May 22, 2015, 2:25 pm

    Hey again Kevin!
    So i’ve calmed down a bit right now.. i told him 4 days after he wrote to me, that i think it’s better to stop the contact for awhile, and i will write to him when i feel ready. He said ‘okey fine ‘ to that, but he keeps sending me snapchats about random things.. i just ignore them.. do you have any answers of why he’s still keeping contact? is it because he’s already okey and just want to be friends, or if it’s something else? i’m scared of it’s that he sees me just as a friend and he thinks everything’s fine between us!

    I go to the gym almost everyday right now and trying to be with friends and work as much as i can, and sometimes it feels okey, sometimes not.. i think, just because we broke up because of unnecessary fights, and we said we wanted to be with eachother but we can’t, i just find it hard to not see us together after we’ve moved on.. i don’t know, guess i have to see it if we meet up in summer!

    • Lovisa May 22, 2015, 2:32 pm

      And that about working on myself.. before we broke up, we met eachother and talked about everything in our relationship, i did admit to him that things i did we’re stupid and i had done that in other relationships but he made me realize what i did, so i told him i did want to work on that ! like, when we had a argument, he could never win because i was so stubborn, but he is really stubborn too so the fights never ended.. and i said to him that i realize what i did wrong before we broke up, after we broke up, i think he saw it as he had the upper hand.. because i told him i wanted another chance, and he said he didn’t know.. but after that, he told me he wanted to be with me, but we can’t right now! after i ignored him for awhile, he started to write! before i write to him, i have to have a clear mind and feel good again :/

  • Ally May 23, 2015, 2:49 pm

    Its been 7 months since we broke up, hes been single for the last two and I’ve been seeing people here and there. I realized I still want him back and he still is lightly a part of my life through mutual friends. We have gone out drinking, he came to a beach to see me (I left before I knew) and plans to go again with me. Recently he came to pick a friend up. And was very touchy and kept rubbing my back. Anyways, I realized I still feel a lot for him what steps should I take?

    Please help Kevin

  • e.p. May 26, 2015, 3:15 am

    Hey Kevin,
    So I spoke with him on Saturday at a party. We were alone and I decided I would bring up the issue of him not being around our daughter.

    It started out cause he told me that, that one girl that had messaged me had messaged him saying she knew where he lived etc. I told him I would take care of it cause I wouldn’t want him to make it into something bigger and if my daughter was to be there god forbid something happen to her. I spoke to her and she said they wouldn’t go to his house.

    Anyways so then I told him I have to be straight up with you, you need to be there more for you daughter. You disappearing for 2-3 weeks then come back like nothing is not ok. You don’t know the pressure & stress I have and how painful it is for her to ask for you. I started crying cause I felt really hurt by that he hugged me and said he knew he was f*ckng up.

    At that moment when I was in his arms I felt weak so I stepped back. I told him you know what it feels like to have a dad be there one day & the next day gone. I don’t know if one day you don’t come back. I said if you’re gonna be doing that then just make it easier for her now & leave us alone. He nodded his head no and said that’s not what I want.

    I told him I don’t want that either believe I want you there for her. He then started to like bring us up and I told him yes we have our issues but thats not what I’m talking about. We could put all that aside for our daughter’s sake. He said he I love you and care about you but I’m not in love with you. I told him I respect that you know I don’t hide my feelings and you know I’m still in love with you but that shouldn’t interfere with you being a dad.

    He then started saying I was too good for him that I deserved better and that maybe in the future he can be that guy for me but right he’s not. I told him I do deserve better but the problem is, is that I wanted you to be that better for me. You know I always talked about a future with you. He just nodded his head yes and said you took so much. You accepted everything I did even when I hurt you. It hurt me to hurt you that’s why I let you go.

    I told him this break up was a good thing cause I’m finding myself cause before I was your shadow. What ever was your step was my step. I told him I didn’t accept it but I tried to work on it because that’s what you do when you love someone you accept their flaws and try to move forward. I said I’m not gonna lie that their was a time that I thought having you some way was better than not having you at all, but I got tired of that.

    He said he did a f*cked up thing to me and that he felt bad and that it was shady. His friend was there too and he then told him she’s right. You did a f*cked up thing and you’re f*cking up on your dad responsibilities. What she has for you is unconditional love and yeah right now you’re not ready for her love. He then told him want to know why I don’t come around as much anymore? Cause I don’t like your girlfriend. She’s bad influence on you. She’s not right for you.

    I told him he’s right. I then started telling him she doesn’t motivate you to do better. You’re a 21 year old man grow up already. I was trying to be your motivation but you’re deciding the easy life. I told him you’re not a bad person but you’re deciding to make bad choices.

    I then told him I’m not trying to convince you to take me back that’s not what I’m doing here and I want you to know that and he said I know. I said even if we wanted to right now we wouldn’t work out cause you’re not ready. He then said something about her and I said I don’t know if you’re with her out of pitty or cause you like or love her and then he told me maybe I am with her out of pitty maybe it is just cause I feel bad for her but that’s what it is right now.

    I said well I don’t know but that’s your business. He then said again you’re too good for me. He said I knoe you’ll always have my back and be there for me. I will too. I just told him look all I want is for you to be there for our daughter. Me and you are a different situation I have to respect your choice and feelings and I expect you to respect mine. I said just everything you do think of how it may affect our daughter.

    Part of me feels like he still feels something for me cause he’s told me the first time we broke up for 5 months that didn’t love me anymore but yet still did. He admitted he just wants to have fun. I told him I know you’re only interested in partying, drinking and seeing how many girls you can get. but you’re better than this, this isn’t you and hurts to see you do bad. His friend was telling me how he knew since he met me I was good for my ex and this girl isn’t.

    He said I’m sure he’ll come back to you but right now you need to be strong and be strong for your daughter cause he’s not where you want him to be and he’s not going to be anytime soon until he sees he’s really losing you.

    There was a lot more said but this is long enough. What do you think Kevin?

    • Kevin May 26, 2015, 11:43 am

      I think you did great. You were strong, honest and didn’t show any signs of neediness. I am sure he still has feelings for you and after this incident he will start seeing you in a new light. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he will want to come back anytime soon. For him, coming back to you means settling down. If he is only 21, he is probably not ready to settle down yet. And it could take years for him to reach that point. I think it’s great that you made it clear that you won’t take him back until he is ready. But you should also make it clear that you won’t be waiting for him forever. I don’t think you need to say it. But you should start considering the option of truly moving on. It might help him grow up faster, or it might make him realise that he doesn’t want a family life right now. Either ways, it will be good for both of you.

  • lynn May 26, 2015, 12:13 pm

    What can you do about the no contact when there is a child involved?

  • e.p. May 26, 2015, 8:38 pm

    Thank you its good to know I did great. I hope he takes all this to heart and starts changing at least for our daughter. A friend sent me a screenshot of what he posted on his instagram and it was a picture of her saying no one makes me happier than you. That hurt but I know he’s with her so it wasn’t a shocker.

    He hasn’t texted me or called me since the party. I didn’t say bye to him when I was leaving from the party cause I wasn’t gonna go up to him when he was with some guys just to say bye. I would’ve looked stupid and needy.

    I feel he still has feelings for me but like you said he knows that coming back to me means he needs to settle down. I know he’s not ready to settle down yet. He said maybe in a few years he can be that guy for me but right now he’s not that guy. Meaning in the future.

    Yeah I had to make it cLear that I don’t want to get back until he’s ready and sure that he’s done playing games. I’m not going to tell him I’m not going to wait for him. I am going to try to move on. Also so he could feel that there is a possibility of losing me. Like you said it might help him grow up faster if he feels he’s actually losing me and that I won’t be there forever.

    It’s time for me to let my actions do the talking. I know with him this situation it all comes down to patience. What do you think I should do or act whenever he decides to come for our daughter? Should I act more distant? Or act like how I’ve been acting? Just calm & cool? I don’t want to be a b*tch after this since I’m trying for him to be around our daughter more.

    Also Kevin how are you sure he still has feelings for me? And what do you mean by “he will start seeing me in a new light”?

    • Kevin May 27, 2015, 6:10 am

      Hey e.p,

      I think you should just be yourself. You don’t need to act distant as long as you don’t act needy. Just act like how you have been acting till now. I think you made it clear that you have accepted the breakup and you are strong. If I recall correctly, you always wanted to be with him even after he cheated on you repeatedly. Right now, you have laid it out clearly that your priority is your daughter and yourself. Not him.

      • Kevin May 29, 2015, 10:52 am

        ^^ This is what I meant by new light.

        From your conversation with him, I got the impression that you both realised that you are too good for him and that he needs to grow up to be with you. So if he sees a future with you (which he said maybe in the future he can be that guy), then he still has feelings for you and is still hoping to get back in the future.

        I wouldn’t overthink him sharing pictures of his gf. He is acting strange. A lot of people act strange (do what they normally wouldn’t do in a serious relationship) in a rebound relationship. There is no point in analysing it.

  • jrw2188 May 26, 2015, 9:47 pm

    Dear kevin.

    I have sent 2 messages to you, and I still have not gotten any response or seen them even posted. Is anyone going to help me with what’s going on with my problems or talk to me about it so I can’t stop flying blind. I would really appricate it please and thank you. When I do it just says waiting for approval and then when I refresh the page it’s gone.

    My use name is jrw2188 and my name is Justin wood

    • Kevin May 27, 2015, 6:02 am

      Hey,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions on the message boards and it will be approved shortly.

  • e.p. May 27, 2015, 1:25 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    You’re right I should just be myself and act like how I’ve been acting now. Not going to be anything more. Yes I did accept the break up well because I have no other choice. It is what it is. That’s the situation right now so thats what I have to accept and just roll with the punches.

    Yes I still wanted to be with him even after he cheated but I then decided it couldn’t be that way anymore and I couldn’t handle that. Too painful. I want him to see that my priority is my daughter and not him cause I’m sure he thinks he’ll always be one of them. My priority is my daughter she’s the only reason I had this talk for.

    Also Kevin how are you sure he still has feelings for me? And what do you mean by “he will start seeing me in a new light”?

    • e.p. May 27, 2015, 1:41 pm

      Oh and ever since I talked to him he has posted a picture of his girlfriend each night On instagram, so far there’s 2. Might be another one tonight but I won’t know cause I asked my friend to stop sending me screenshots of them, they hurt. But still hasn’t even bothered to ask for his daughter.

      This one said patiently waiting. He told me when we talked and he brought her up that she’s in rehab. Either way I don’t know if he’s trying to convince everyone since he hadn’t posted a picture of her in a long time.

      Also the picture he posted of her was very revealing like I can see everything. Its a picture a photographer took but not like glam shot it’s more of a lingerie shot. It’s clear he wants to show off what he has.

      He’s the type of boyfriend that likes to show off his girlfriend but not like that. He doesn’t like guys seeing his girl like that. Almost naked. He’s the jealous/over protective type. It shocked me he would post that picture of her.

      • e.p. May 30, 2015, 12:22 pm

        What do you think about all this? His behavior.

  • Lovisa May 28, 2015, 4:40 pm

    Hi again Kevin! i don’t talk to my ex and i’m constantly trying to work on myself and not trying to think about my ex.. but he still keeps liking instagrampictures on me! is that a good or a bad thing? maybe because we had a ‘ good ‘ breakup he already moved on, what do you think? i would really need some advice/ help right now.. thank you!

  • stoyan May 29, 2015, 5:54 pm

    Hello Kevin,thank you for your help.So to catch you up to speed ,one day after i posted here,she wrote me by a mistake and the next day she removed all of our photos.As i mentioned the last time i had her on the phone she was angrily claiming that she didn’t reach out to me ,which provoked my reaction ,because i asked her out 2 times in a row before that and she agreed initially ,but then declined.Do you think she has feelings for me?Do you think i need to give up on her?.Or is it better to wait?I honestly don’t know what to do.The last time i spoke with her was 11 days ago.Your help will be much appreciated.She still has not uploaded any photos with the new guy and most likely removed ours ,because she has seen my profile and has noticed that i’ve removed every picture of us together,so she did the same.

    Thank you,
    Stoyan

    • Kevin May 30, 2015, 8:38 am

      Hey Stoyan,

      I feel like you two are sort of in the post breakup competition. Trying to see which one is doing better, while in reality you are both doing pretty bad. I think you should continue no contact and send an apology letter (or email) like I said in my last comment.

      • stoyan May 30, 2015, 3:32 pm

        Hey Kevin,
        Thank you for your help.You are right ,i am doing pretty bad.I don’t know if she removed the pictures ,cause she took a look at my profile or she just decided she doesn’t want to hear about me anymore.I would very much would like to apologize,but the last time i did she started acting cold.I don’t think she would appreciate it.I don’t understand her behavior at all.But i do think she is doing much better than me.The last time she wrote was 11 days ago.So if i decide to apologize,how should i approach that?I mean should i apologize
        and wait 2 weeks(isn’t that too much), or should i apologize and let it go,maybe wait to hear from her?Also what do you think about her feelings.Could you explain her behavior?Is she confused or just trying to show me she is better without me?

        Thank you,
        Stoyan

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