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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years three years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.


Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.


STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.


STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)


If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

8014 comments… add one

  • e.p. May 6, 2015, 3:10 am

    Hello Kevin,
    So last week on Wednesday we decided to have a family day, just to spend it with our daughter and take her out. We were mature about it. Anyways that whole day he spent it with us and everything was going great. He was playing with our daughter and joking around with me. We were playing games and everything was going perfect.

    There was a moment when a guy came up to me and then left and then my ex came up to me and said be careful with that guy he’s weird. The guy later came back up to me and was talking to me and then my ex saw that from a far and walked up to us and stood right next to me and gave the guy a look I then said something to my ex about leaving to not make this situation big or anything.

    We left and ended up hanging out with our friends. I was walking to the store alone with my daughter and he was going to go somewhere wit my friend’s bf which is also his friend but then saw me walking alone and decided to walk with me to the store. He was also saying “we need to get our daughter a puppy” and talking about getting her a pet. I found it weird but maybe just over thinking that.

    I did notice he was on his phone a lot like texting with someone but all I got to see was the area code he didn’t have the number saved. The area code belonged to where his gf lived before. I found it odd that he didn’t have the number saved. Anyways he still stayed there all day and the day was fun.

    He had also mentioned to me earlier that day when he first picked us up that he wanted to take our daughter to Disneyland and I said he should that she would love it and then he said he had already asked his neighbor to get us tickets to go. Then he said our other friends should go too. We use to hang out a lot together with this couple they have a daughter our daughter’s age. Anyways he said he asked his neighbor for 4 tickets (me,him and the couple) he said we should all go together and that sometimes this month.

    I know he’s not lying about it because my friend (the girl) told me my ex told her bf about it. I was surprised he had involved me into this. This came from him.

    Like 2 days later my friend told me that my ex told him that same day we had the family day like just out of no where that his gf was stalking me on facebook. That he went through her phone & saw she stayed on my page & that he confronted her about it saying why are you on her page? Stop stalking my baby momma. He said it’s creepy and that she didn’t say anything. She must see me as a threat.

    He also told me that he’s trying to let her go slowly and he’s starting to push her away and is planning to come back to me. Now I don’t know if that’s true or not sure how exactly he said it lol but actions speaker louder than words so that I’m not gonna believe.

    • Kevin May 8, 2015, 8:18 am

      I think he is showing good signs. However, this doesn’t mean he is ready for a long term healthy relationship. From what you said, he is still not mature enough. He can not let go of his girlfriend and is trying to do it slowly. He is getting jealous of guys. Not to mention, he didn’t have any time after the breakup just for himself, to learn more about himself and figure out what he really wants. And I don’t suppose he has shown any guilt or remorse about cheating during the relationship.

  • Lovisa May 8, 2015, 2:37 am

    Hi everyone! I know this is not about my ex.. well.. kind off? i would really need some advice .. basically, I’m 19, and he’s 19 too, we have a distancerelationship and we’re too similar in attitude and different things.. I tell him when i get hurt from something he did.. and he does it in the same way! but the problem is that he thinks I’m trying to hurt him when i tell him.. And ofcourse i think the same way when he tells me something i did! we actually ‘ broke up ‘ for 2 days ago, but in the same time we wanted to be with eachother! But we knew it would’nt work out because of fights and insecurities.. we talked, and i took the train to him yesterday so we could talk more! he Said nothing.. i Said everything i needed to say! like i came to realize things i did wrong! and believe me.. i took him for granted! i do that alot because of my exes got me everything.. well when we saw eachother, we had in mind that we we’re going to be single, it felt so awkward being around him! before i went home i told him that my heart Said that i wanted to solve things with him and be with him! 1h after, he Said that he wanted that too! but now .. it’s like we don’t know If things are going to work out but we still want to try..
    I think he had so strong feelings for me in the relationship so there is still a chance.. but we’re been fighting alot the last months.. Is there anyone in here who can relate? Or give me some advice? ;/ thank you!

    • Kevin May 8, 2015, 8:22 am

      Hey Lovisa,

      Take some time off from each other and think things through. Tell him it’s a good idea to take a break from each other instead of breakup. During this time, learn some communication skills. Tell him to do the same. If your problem is just communication, then it can be easily solved. You just need to learn how to communicate. I highly recommend the book “Non-violent communications” By Marshall Rosenberg. Look into it.

      • Lovisa May 8, 2015, 3:48 pm

        Hi Kevin! He actually came to my house today.. we broke up :/ i actually felt reliefe, i think i need to let the infected parts of our relationship go.. we both want to be with eachother, he actually Said that he needs time to let things go and after that maybe go back.. do you think i have a chance? it feels alright now but i know it’s gonna hurt sooner or later.. thank you so much!

  • Lovisa May 9, 2015, 4:03 am

    Hi again! how do i act now when we broke up? We both know that we want to be with eachother but we can’t.. it’s because we had already in thoughts that we we’re better off single, that actually made it more Ok to break up! for 2 days ago, he said that he wanted to give us a chance.. but when we met yesterday, i said to him ‘ maybe that chance you wanted, isn’t for now.. but maybe after we’ve moved on and stuff ‘ we said yesterday, that we have to let go of past things that happened.. and he said he wants to meet me soon in summer! he also said that maybe we find eachother again after we’ve moved on and he did want to be with me now even if we can’t.. I said to him, you can write to me whenever you want, but i think we have to move on first a bit and then we can maybe talk again, and maybe find eachother again..
    The story between us is in another comment, but if it makes things more clear, he has told me that ‘ i’ve never been so happy, ‘ ‘ you have all the things i’ve searched for in a girl ‘ and he had futureplans with me actually!

    I just need some advice.. do you Kevin, or anyone else think that we have a chance after we’ve moved on or so? i will take things as it comes and i just hope we’re finding eachother again after we’ve let go of the bad things!

    • Kevin May 11, 2015, 1:39 am

      Yes, I think you have a chance even after you’ve moved on. Like I said before, work on your communication skills and try to figure out what caused all the issues in the relationship. Do no contact for a month or two and then get back in touch with him.

      • Lovisa May 12, 2015, 1:11 am

        Hi kevin! i’m gonna do what you told me!
        But what if, i uploaded a pic to insta yesterday and wrote that i’m going to get a new tattoo soon, which is true! right after he saw that,
        He wrote to me on facebook! asking how i was feeling and he did ask what tattoo i was gonna get.. we’re both into tattoos so i think he saw a opportunity to write to me .. it was a ‘ good ‘ break up, so should i answer just to be nice? i haven’t answered him yet.. Thank you!

        • Kevin May 12, 2015, 8:23 am

          You can answer. But let him know that it’s better if you both don’t talk to each other for a while. Let him know that you think it’s best for you to not communicate with him as it will help the healing process and give you two the much needed space.

          • Lovisa May 12, 2015, 12:47 pm

            Kevin.. he told me everything was fine, ‘ boring and lonely but fine ‘ i just said that i was going out for a run and goodbye, what now ? :/

          • Kevin May 14, 2015, 6:56 am

            Don’t do anything. Continue no contact and keep working on yourself.

          • Lovisa May 15, 2015, 3:16 am

            Hey Kevin! i haven’t done anything since that thing, but he got a tattoo yesterday and sent a snapchat to me, my sister and mum.. you can put it on ‘ mystory ‘ so everyone you have on snapchat can see it, but he didn’t do that! do you have any ideas why he’s doing like this? is it because he takes for granted that i’m answering? please help :/

          • Lovisa May 15, 2015, 5:30 am

            And now he wrote to me on Facebook ‘ does the tattoo hurt? ‘ should i ignore or answer? my friends tell me to ignore :/

          • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:48 am

            Hey Lovisa,

            If you are unsure, you can just tell him clearly that you don’t want to speak to him for a while and you need space and time. After that, you can ignore him. Remember, ignoring him and doing no contact will be of no use if you don’t use the time to work on the issues that caused the breakup. If I remember correctly, it was communication issues. So work on that. Take classes, read books or go to a therapist. If you want, let him know as well what you are doing to work on the issues. It’s not about playing games or holding the upper hand. If you want that relationship to work, you have to work on yourself.

          • Lovisa May 18, 2015, 5:04 am

            Kevin should i tell him to don’t talk to me for awhile or should i ignore and keep doing NC? it’s kind of confusing right now because we had a ‘good’ breakup.. it was mutual! does my chance of getting him back decrease if i don’t reply him or is it better if i don’t answer him? he wrote to me this saturday and it’s monday today! Please help :)


  • stoyan May 11, 2015, 4:16 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    22 days of no contact and
    my ex called but i was not able to pick up the phone.Two hours later i return the call and she won’t pick up.Maybe she dialed a wrong number or something?

    Thank you ,

    • Kevin May 12, 2015, 8:17 am

      Maybe. Maybe not. Don’t overthink it. Continue no contact.

    • stoyan May 15, 2015, 1:47 pm

      Hello Kevin,

      Another call from my ex.The phone was ringing for a good minute and a half.I didn’t pick up on purpose.2 hours later i return the call.She called me that time and she is why do you call me.I called you because i had a missed call from you.No i didn’t call you,i don’t have the call in my outbound calls.I said its the second time in two days,would you like to meet me and she is like i don’t think it is appropriate.I said let’s meet up on Saturday and she says:I don’t want to,maybe later.I said ok delete my number and don’t call me then and she told me : Ok, I won’t bother you anymore.What was that?


      • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:55 am

        Your response showed that you are still hurt and needy. When she refused your invitation, you got hurt and attacked back. Bad move. I’ll suggest you continue no contact and send an apology text next week for being rude. Keep it short and let her know that you need time to deal with the breakup and maybe you can catch up with her sometime later. 2 weeks after that, send her a text and see how she respond. Keep it light initially and if she is responding well, ask her out after a couple of days of texting.

        • stoyan May 21, 2015, 9:03 am

          Hey Kevin,
          Next day after we spoke she send an emoticon in facebook and said that was a mistake,my response was ok ,happens.The next day she removed our pictures.
          Do you think she still has feelings.Why did she even call in first place.Why did she remove the pictures now?

          Thanks Stoyan
          Thanks ,

  • anjali May 11, 2015, 9:03 pm

    well, I asked him if he wanted to catch up on friday. he texted me back saturday and said ” yea it would be nice.” He didn’t tell me when he’d be free/didn’t ask if I was. I texted him back late sat night asking when he was free. He still hasn’t responded. I am worried that this means he’s just moved on and doesn’t care as anymore and feels like life is just fine/ better without me :(

    It just makes me so sad to think that he stopped caring so quickly and here I am still wanting him in my life. I feel pretty pathetic. I realize its been over 8 months since we’re broken up and I’m still not over him or moved on sigh. I just feel so resigned at this point. I’m smart, educated, accomplished, in medical school and about to be a doctor and I’m stuck on some guy.

    It feels so degrading. I feel my life and I so much more than this and him but I can’t stop loving him and it’s making everything else horrible. It’s not like I’m incapable of supporting myself emotionally and financially and need to rely on a guy and can’t do anything better with my life. I’ve tried dating, engaging in hobbies more, socializing, not focusing on him etc. everything. But nothing makes it better and I still keep wanting to be with him. On the other hand, he seems to have replaced his time with 10 other social/work related things and finds it just as fulfilling and doesn’t need me anymore. Its so unfair. I feel like I’m destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life and I’ll never move on.

    • Kevin May 12, 2015, 8:22 am

      Hey Anjali,

      At this point, I think getting professional help can help tremendously. Since it’s been 8 months, and you have pretty much tried everything to move on, I think there are deeper issues at play here than just this guy and your relationship with him. Talk therapy can help you uncover them and discover the true reasons for your unhappiness and inability to move on.

      Also, I don’t believe that he has moved on. But, I will recommend you don’t focus on that and use it as an excuse to continue having hope etc. Instead, get help in determining the ’cause of your inability to move on.

  • e.p. May 12, 2015, 4:23 am

    Hello Kevin,
    Thank you for replying. I don’t think he’s ready either. He needs some time to himself and even if he was to leave her and come back to me he’d have to prove himself to me. I wouldn’t just take him back like nothing ever happened cause it did and there’s no denying that.

    I feel the same way like he’s not letting her go. I mean if he truly wanted her out he’d be straight up with her, supposedly he doesn’t cause she has nowhere to go and doesn’t want to leave her out in the streets but I don’t know.

    One of my friend’s told me” You know what sucks is that I know he loves you but he knows you love him and your willing to stick around and that’s why I feel he isn’t scared to lose you” and its true I’m sure he thinks that, that’s why he’s not scared but he doesn’t want to see guys talking to me either.

    No he hasn’t really been showing any kind of guilt. Well at least to me it doesn’t look nor feel like it. My friend was telling me the one that we use to hang out with as a couple she said he’s gone over her house to hang out with her bf and that when he see her daughter that’s our daughter’s age that he stares at her like he misses our daughter. She says she’s sure he misses us, our family but again actions speak louder than words.

    After all this we are back to no contact. It’s going to be 2 weeks again of no contact. Mixed signals all over again. It’s now 6 months since we split and I’m still no over him. It’s earier to cope with now but still hoping for that day he comes back to me telling me he’s ready to be fully committed to me and our family.

    I guess I just dream too big because I just don’t see that happening anytime soon.

    • Kevin May 12, 2015, 8:26 am

      Hey e.p.,

      This dream is the reason you are not over him yet and won’t be any time soon. Unless you let go of that, you won’t be able to truly grieve and move on. But I know it’s hard since all the signs and everyone around you is saying that it will happen. 6 months is a long time. Have you asked yourself how long are you willing to wait for him?

  • buddy May 12, 2015, 4:58 am

    Hey kevin, thanks for the advice im sure it will help!! i just came out a relationship yesterday after 5 years of being together… i was doing it all wrong so im glad i found this! thanks.

  • anjali May 12, 2015, 9:26 am

    I actually have been seeing a therapist every two weeks. According to her what I’m going through is normal. I have shown some improvement and not as miserable as I used to be, getting on with my life etc, but I still miss him/ want to be with him. I’m not sure anyone but me can change that but I’m going to continue seeing the therapist and hope it helps.

  • Anjali May 12, 2015, 9:30 am

    I also feel like the major issue here is that frankly I don’t want to move on and that I believe it was a really good relationship when we were together and letting it go is a mistake. I want it to work out and still love him. I’m having a hard time believing it was bad and wrong and that we’re bad together. It’s not like he cheated on me. Distance is not his fault or my fault. So that makes it easier to wait for him because technically nothing went wrong. Idk if there’s a way to could terms that logic and make myself believe that it’s time to move on.

    • Kevin May 14, 2015, 6:55 am

      Hey Anjali,

      A lot of relationships that end in breakup are perfect, except for one tiny little flaw.

      He is perfect for me, if only he could solve his drinking problem.
      She is perfect, if only he could only learn how to control her anger.
      We were perfect for each other, if only we had better jobs and were financially secure.
      We would have been great together, if only we could find more time with each other.

      In your case, this tiny little flaw is that you couldn’t make it work with long distance. If he had a drinking problem or he was abusive (which are both fixable problems), what would you have done? You would have asked him to fix the problem and you would have supported him in fixing the issue. And still if he wasn’t able to do so, you would have broken up and moved on. If you told him to fix his drinking problem, and eight months later, he still comes home drunk and starts abusing you, would you still wait for him? Telling yourself that it’s not like he cheated on you.

      I know there’s a big difference between a drinking problem and not moving on from a long distance breakup. But both issues are bad for YOU. You are still not happy with your life and your relationship with him. In fact, it’s making you confused, draining your emotional and mental energy, and keeping you from moving on and growing in your life.

      So if he is not willing to fix the problem that’s causing you distress, shouldn’t you move on?

  • e.p. May 12, 2015, 1:10 pm

    It is hard woth everyone saying that and him sending mixed signals. I hadn’t really put thought into how long I was willing to wait for him. It was just like in how long I can get over him or feel like it’s ok now to move on. 6 months is a long time.

    I want to say I’ll give him up to a year but I don’t want to be wasting my time either. 6 more months for the year. I think I’m just expecting too much from someone who isn’t ready to handle my love and loyalty. Someone who is more into his selfish needs than his family needs.

    I’m just gonna have to move on and see other people while still being in love with him. I just didn’t want to do that cause I don’t find it fair for the person or myself.

    I told him I wouldn’t be waiting for him and I am open to going on dates but no guy has caught my attention like that.

    • Kevin May 14, 2015, 6:58 am

      Hey e.p.,

      As long as you don’t make any big commitments while dating other people, I think you are fine. Just keep your intentions clear and let them know that you are not looking for anything serious. I know it’ll be hard to be interested in someone while you are still in love with him, but putting yourself out there will help you move forward. Even if it’s little, it’s still progress.

      • e.p. May 14, 2015, 2:50 pm

        Thank you Kevin. I will try :)

  • justin May 12, 2015, 3:50 pm

    Kevin the legend really really helpful article mate I already feel much much better just one question would it make any difference if your ex was following same steps or something similar?

    • Kevin May 14, 2015, 6:59 am

      It’s even better if they are taking time off and decide to work on themselves and their issues during no contact.

  • Paul Smith May 14, 2015, 9:46 am

    Hi Kevin, I already commented this page before, but you didn’t approve it, I also tried to post my question in the Boards but I got no answer. Can you give me any help with my situation?

    My girlfriend and I broke up about 1 month and 1 week ago. She just told me that she had been demotivated for some time and even though she always said it would be something temporary, it wasn’t and she saw me more as a friend recently. We dated for about 8 months.

    We broke up without any type of fight, or argument, it was extremely peaceful, I just told her that if that’s what she thought, I couldn’t do much about it, but that I didn’t want to give up on her. She told me that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and wanted to keep speaking with me because she likes to do it.

    After 1 week of speaking “normally”, I decided to start NC with her and that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 31 days. She skyped me 6 or 7 times during this period and we ended up talking. I never started any conversation with her (except last friday where I just went to told her that I was going to be in a foreign country for a week), it was always her who started them. The conversations have been positive, she usually asks me how I am, how are things going, if there’s anything new and we end up joking around a bit. I always try to tell her that I’m good and always try to seem happy, even if it’s not completely true.

    We work in the same place and I was away from the office for 3 weeks, so I didn’t see her, but last week I was back and every time I passed by her desk she always tried to make funny comments. She even called me to see something related to work on her computer in one of the days.

    I spoke recently to her best friend and she told me that she thinks that I should speak normally to my ex because she appears to be a little bit sad, even though she never admits that she is.

    She’s a very stubborn and proud person, so I don’t think it will be easy for her to change her mind. She’s usually the type of person that takes a decision and doesn’t go back.

    I’m a little bit lost and at this point I’m not sure about what will be the best approach. I’m not sure if I should still continue with NC with her for a little bit more or if I should try to implement some of the things from Relationship Rewind. Any hints?


    • Kevin May 21, 2015, 9:11 am

      Hey Paul,

      First of all, I will recommend doing complete no contact for a while (not talking even if she initiates). At least two weeks. Let her know that you need space and time to deal with the breakup. After that, you can ignore her whenever she contacts you. Try going on dates during this no contact and making some changes in your life. When no contact is over, get back in touch with her. You can use the tactics in Relationship Rewind at this point.

      • Paul Smith June 2, 2015, 2:29 am

        Hi Kevin,

        I’ve been keeping limited contact with her, only answering when she reaches, but on Friday we had a sort of a fight over Skype. She started to get kind of mad that I spoke to a girl that she doesn’t like and that she thought that was hitting on me when we were dating, just because I told her that I still didn’t speak a lot to that girl. Does this mean she still cares?

        During the weekend I spoke to her best friend (we still keep in contact) and she told me that she was speaking more to her ex (the ex before me). She told me that nothing happened but she was speaking more to him and they were closer. Is this normal? Should I be worried? I was kind of bummed by this because she always told me that she didn’t like him and that she broke up with him because she lost her confidence in him and that’s something you can never recover.

        Yesterday I decided to speak with her on Skype and we had a good time, we laughed at each other and had some fun. At some point I asked her what’s she’s been doing and she told me that on Sunday she went to a fair with some friends (that I also know) and she described exactly everyone that was there (including her ex-boyfriend). I was kind of glad with this, because I think that if she had something to hide, she wouldn’t mention him.

        She says she wants to be my friend. Do you think that I should try to implement the tactics in Relationship Rewind at this point to create a “false friendship” and go from there?


  • Andrew5 May 15, 2015, 6:23 pm

    Hi Kevin
    How long does it take to approve a post on the board?

    Thanks A

    • Kevin May 21, 2015, 8:52 am

      Usually within 24 hrs. Sometimes 48 hrs.

  • e.p. May 18, 2015, 5:45 am

    Hello Kevin. I need some advice. So I’m not sure if he is but I just want him to know just in case he decides. I plan to say all this in person since I feel in text he won’t take me seriously. Do you think this is ok? What I’m saying to him? Do you think this could make him start thinking about changing his ways? As a guy would this make you think?

    “I need to talk to you about something very serious. You might hate me after & not want to talk to me but it needs to be said. I would hate to find out that you’re getting involved into harder drugs with this girl. Honestly I use to admire your hustle, your grind. You were a hardworking man & I maybe never showed that but I did appreciate what you did for our daughter & I.

    Now you’ve changed so much. Anything that happens to you hurts me & not only cause of the love I have for you but because you’re my daughter’s dad. You have to think if anything bad was to happen to me she would be given to you & if you’re in bad steps how can I feel safe knowing she will be with you. Anything bad happens to you it also affects her not only yourself & honestly I don’t want you disappearing from her life but you have the tendency of doing that. She sees you one week you disappear for 2-3 weeks then come back like nothing. You don’t bother to ask how she’s doing or anything.

    If you’re hitting some hard drugs I’d hate to see you go down for some girl that isn’t bettering your life or even doing anything to motivate you. If you’re gonna be disappearing on our daughter & hit hard drugs & you’re gonna be killing yourself slowly then I don’t want you around our daughter. Just act like you don’t have a kid. Now I’m not sure if you are but I’m just letting you know in case you are. I don’t want our daughter growing up having to deal with a dad being there one day & disappearing the next.

    I never had a dad to begin with but you know the feeling of having your dad & then he’s no longer there. I want you to always be with our daughter. I never want her to not have you. I know you adore her, but you have to start thinking like the grown man you are. You’re going backwards.

    That’s not who you are. Maybe you once we’re back when you were 13-16 but you had changed & you were changing for the better & now you’re becoming someone who I don’t even know. See that everyone around you that you’re pushing away are the people trying to help you, not your enemy. Believe me we all want nothing but the best for you.

    Your family adores you & it hurts them to see you do bad. It hurts me too. We’re not together anymore but you’ll forever be her dad & therefore I will always care about you. Know that it’s time to grow up & make some changes in your life. I know you’d love to give the world to our daughter. Give her nothing but the best but to give her that you have to make some changes.

    I felt the need to tell you something because I know no one else will tell you. I’m trying to motivate you into becoming a better dad, a better person. I told you once before & ima tell you again, I’m always gonna have your back & be there for you but as long as you’re there for our daughter. If you can’t be there for our daughter then don’t expect me to be there for you. If you don’t care enough to show that to her then you’re basically dissing me too. What’s done to her is done to me.

    I let a lot of things slide for the love I have for you but no more. I can’t continue making up excuses for you. Don’t worry I will never throw dirt on your name to her. That’ll be up to her to judge you from how you act with her. I know you’re better than this.

    I know you have all these goals in life. I’m always gonna try to motivate you. Always gonna be behind you 100% but you need to make some changes. I get that we all need our fun years but there’s a difference especially when you have a kid. You’re young & want to have fun but you need to realized what you’re sacrificing for your temporary fun.

    I really hope you take all this in consideration & that when you decide to act on it, it’s not too late. Our daughter & I will always love you no matter what but you have some things to work on & changes to make. Just like I do. We’re still growing.”

    • e.p. May 18, 2015, 2:40 pm

      well not the part of forget you have a kid cause that’s too harsh.

    • Kevin May 21, 2015, 9:07 am

      Hey e.p.,

      Unless you have proof that he is doing hard drugs or have heard something like this from friends or family, I’ll not advise it. You will just come off as an overprotective mother and he will probably respond as a rebellious child by either shutting you out or attacking you back.

      If him disappearing for 2-3 weeks is an issue, then let him know clearly about that. That you expect him to be around his daughter consistently and more often. That her daughter needs to be able to rely on his father being there for her. Other than that, all the hard drugs part just seems redundant.

  • Ally May 19, 2015, 9:42 am

    Its been 7 months since we broke up, hes been single for the last two and I’ve been seeing people here and there. I realized I still want him back and he still is lightly a part of my life through mutual friends. We have gone out drinking, he came to a beach to see me (I left before I knew) and plans to go again with me. Recently he came to pick a friend up. And was very touchy and kept rubbing my back. Anyways, I realized I still feel a lot for him what steps should I take?

  • e.p. May 21, 2015, 1:23 pm

    Well some friends and one of his cousins are the ones that told me that they think he is. They’re not sure themselves but I can see why saying all of that to then would be irrelevant since I have no proof whatsoever and that can start some drama up I don’t want. Thank you for that. I was thinking it over a lot cause I felt that was harsh for me to say.

    About him leaving for 2-3 weeks, that I am going to talk to him about. You’re right I should just tell him about the facts not the things I hear of what other people think and aren’t even sure of. Thank you so much.

    I do feel stupid for even considering to tell him something like that. I had wrote that a couple days ago but everyday the feeling of me wanting to him that kept fading everyday. I had already even considered not telling him anymore. Thank you for reassuring me that telling him that would be a terrible thing.

  • Emilis Sukys May 21, 2015, 3:31 pm

    Thanks Kevin, You helped me! :)

  • Louise May 21, 2015, 10:10 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My break-up situation is a little different. But, I’m hoping that you can help me. So, here goes…

    I stumbled across your site this morning as my ex was on my mind (asperusual) and I want to contact him via a letter.

    I broke the rules (I wish i knew of the NC rules at the time) and my ex ended up cutting me off. He changed his number and deleted his email account. This was over a year ago now, but I really miss him. I realize that I messed up by bombarding him with texts and sending him the occasional email. My mistake was apologizing for getting angry at him in some of my texts, then going right back to doing the very thing I promised him I wouldn’t do again.

    I thought that if I continued to text him it would show him how serious I am about wanting to be with him. And show him how much I needed and wanted him. Which was a huge mistake.

    The last contact we had was a text he sent me wanting to see me early last year, but I couldn’t see him because I was away. I feel that me not being able to see him fuelled his anger towards me. Because in his eyes if I love him as much as I profess in my texts why am I constantly rejecting his requests to see me? A huge part of the reason why he cut me off was because I was never available to see him when he wanted to see me. So to him my texts were just words.

    Anyhoo, what I’d like to ask you is would the NC rule apply to me? He still has the SIM card/number, he just isn’t using the SIM in a phone. But every now and again he does use the SIM. I sent him a text saying I missed him about 2mths ago but he didn’t reply.

    I miss him to the point of crying for him. Losing him really hurts, I’m in so much pain that I sometimes don’t feel like I can go on living without him. He made me so happy. I’ve been really, really unhappy without him.

    Something in me as much as I want to move on keeps telling me not to give up and to hold on. I’ve been advised by family members and friends to go and see him. But, I’m a little wary of doing that, because I don’t know what response/reaction I’ll get. I’d much more prefer to mail him a hand written letter, than go and see him. I’m really confused and don’t know what to do.
    Please help!
    Thank you in advance

    PS, I’m 32 and my ex just turned 36…


    • Kevin May 22, 2015, 7:47 am

      Hey Louise,

      First of all, I’d advice you to stay away from your ex as long as you feel like you can’t live without him. If you are still so hurt over losing him and are always unhappy, then you need to rebuild your life without him. You need to learn to be happy without him in your life. Unless you can do that, I will not recommend you contact him or go to see him. If you can’t seem to handle the breakup grief yourself, then get help. Go to a therapist. Join a support group.

      When you reach a point where you are OK with the breakup and not having him in your life, then you should go ahead and contact him. You can use any method outlined in the article above. And if his response is positive, then you can ask to meet him. But before anything else, you should be OK with the breakup and be happy despite not having him in your life.

      • Louise May 22, 2015, 5:27 pm

        Thank you so much for replying Kevin. After being in a relationship with him for eleven years on and off, the thought of never seeing him again has been extremely difficult. He was like a best friend to me as well as my partner. I’m so used to being able to pick up the phone and call him and vice versa. I really miss him being a part of my life. I will take your advice on board and rebuild my life before making contact with my ex again.

  • Lovisa May 22, 2015, 2:25 pm

    Hey again Kevin!
    So i’ve calmed down a bit right now.. i told him 4 days after he wrote to me, that i think it’s better to stop the contact for awhile, and i will write to him when i feel ready. He said ‘okey fine ‘ to that, but he keeps sending me snapchats about random things.. i just ignore them.. do you have any answers of why he’s still keeping contact? is it because he’s already okey and just want to be friends, or if it’s something else? i’m scared of it’s that he sees me just as a friend and he thinks everything’s fine between us!

    I go to the gym almost everyday right now and trying to be with friends and work as much as i can, and sometimes it feels okey, sometimes not.. i think, just because we broke up because of unnecessary fights, and we said we wanted to be with eachother but we can’t, i just find it hard to not see us together after we’ve moved on.. i don’t know, guess i have to see it if we meet up in summer!

    • Lovisa May 22, 2015, 2:32 pm

      And that about working on myself.. before we broke up, we met eachother and talked about everything in our relationship, i did admit to him that things i did we’re stupid and i had done that in other relationships but he made me realize what i did, so i told him i did want to work on that ! like, when we had a argument, he could never win because i was so stubborn, but he is really stubborn too so the fights never ended.. and i said to him that i realize what i did wrong before we broke up, after we broke up, i think he saw it as he had the upper hand.. because i told him i wanted another chance, and he said he didn’t know.. but after that, he told me he wanted to be with me, but we can’t right now! after i ignored him for awhile, he started to write! before i write to him, i have to have a clear mind and feel good again :/

  • Ally May 23, 2015, 2:49 pm

    Its been 7 months since we broke up, hes been single for the last two and I’ve been seeing people here and there. I realized I still want him back and he still is lightly a part of my life through mutual friends. We have gone out drinking, he came to a beach to see me (I left before I knew) and plans to go again with me. Recently he came to pick a friend up. And was very touchy and kept rubbing my back. Anyways, I realized I still feel a lot for him what steps should I take?

    Please help Kevin

  • e.p. May 26, 2015, 3:15 am

    Hey Kevin,
    So I spoke with him on Saturday at a party. We were alone and I decided I would bring up the issue of him not being around our daughter.

    It started out cause he told me that, that one girl that had messaged me had messaged him saying she knew where he lived etc. I told him I would take care of it cause I wouldn’t want him to make it into something bigger and if my daughter was to be there god forbid something happen to her. I spoke to her and she said they wouldn’t go to his house.

    Anyways so then I told him I have to be straight up with you, you need to be there more for you daughter. You disappearing for 2-3 weeks then come back like nothing is not ok. You don’t know the pressure & stress I have and how painful it is for her to ask for you. I started crying cause I felt really hurt by that he hugged me and said he knew he was f*ckng up.

    At that moment when I was in his arms I felt weak so I stepped back. I told him you know what it feels like to have a dad be there one day & the next day gone. I don’t know if one day you don’t come back. I said if you’re gonna be doing that then just make it easier for her now & leave us alone. He nodded his head no and said that’s not what I want.

    I told him I don’t want that either believe I want you there for her. He then started to like bring us up and I told him yes we have our issues but thats not what I’m talking about. We could put all that aside for our daughter’s sake. He said he I love you and care about you but I’m not in love with you. I told him I respect that you know I don’t hide my feelings and you know I’m still in love with you but that shouldn’t interfere with you being a dad.

    He then started saying I was too good for him that I deserved better and that maybe in the future he can be that guy for me but right he’s not. I told him I do deserve better but the problem is, is that I wanted you to be that better for me. You know I always talked about a future with you. He just nodded his head yes and said you took so much. You accepted everything I did even when I hurt you. It hurt me to hurt you that’s why I let you go.

    I told him this break up was a good thing cause I’m finding myself cause before I was your shadow. What ever was your step was my step. I told him I didn’t accept it but I tried to work on it because that’s what you do when you love someone you accept their flaws and try to move forward. I said I’m not gonna lie that their was a time that I thought having you some way was better than not having you at all, but I got tired of that.

    He said he did a f*cked up thing to me and that he felt bad and that it was shady. His friend was there too and he then told him she’s right. You did a f*cked up thing and you’re f*cking up on your dad responsibilities. What she has for you is unconditional love and yeah right now you’re not ready for her love. He then told him want to know why I don’t come around as much anymore? Cause I don’t like your girlfriend. She’s bad influence on you. She’s not right for you.

    I told him he’s right. I then started telling him she doesn’t motivate you to do better. You’re a 21 year old man grow up already. I was trying to be your motivation but you’re deciding the easy life. I told him you’re not a bad person but you’re deciding to make bad choices.

    I then told him I’m not trying to convince you to take me back that’s not what I’m doing here and I want you to know that and he said I know. I said even if we wanted to right now we wouldn’t work out cause you’re not ready. He then said something about her and I said I don’t know if you’re with her out of pitty or cause you like or love her and then he told me maybe I am with her out of pitty maybe it is just cause I feel bad for her but that’s what it is right now.

    I said well I don’t know but that’s your business. He then said again you’re too good for me. He said I knoe you’ll always have my back and be there for me. I will too. I just told him look all I want is for you to be there for our daughter. Me and you are a different situation I have to respect your choice and feelings and I expect you to respect mine. I said just everything you do think of how it may affect our daughter.

    Part of me feels like he still feels something for me cause he’s told me the first time we broke up for 5 months that didn’t love me anymore but yet still did. He admitted he just wants to have fun. I told him I know you’re only interested in partying, drinking and seeing how many girls you can get. but you’re better than this, this isn’t you and hurts to see you do bad. His friend was telling me how he knew since he met me I was good for my ex and this girl isn’t.

    He said I’m sure he’ll come back to you but right now you need to be strong and be strong for your daughter cause he’s not where you want him to be and he’s not going to be anytime soon until he sees he’s really losing you.

    There was a lot more said but this is long enough. What do you think Kevin?

    • Kevin May 26, 2015, 11:43 am

      I think you did great. You were strong, honest and didn’t show any signs of neediness. I am sure he still has feelings for you and after this incident he will start seeing you in a new light. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he will want to come back anytime soon. For him, coming back to you means settling down. If he is only 21, he is probably not ready to settle down yet. And it could take years for him to reach that point. I think it’s great that you made it clear that you won’t take him back until he is ready. But you should also make it clear that you won’t be waiting for him forever. I don’t think you need to say it. But you should start considering the option of truly moving on. It might help him grow up faster, or it might make him realise that he doesn’t want a family life right now. Either ways, it will be good for both of you.

  • lynn May 26, 2015, 12:13 pm

    What can you do about the no contact when there is a child involved?

  • e.p. May 26, 2015, 8:38 pm

    Thank you its good to know I did great. I hope he takes all this to heart and starts changing at least for our daughter. A friend sent me a screenshot of what he posted on his instagram and it was a picture of her saying no one makes me happier than you. That hurt but I know he’s with her so it wasn’t a shocker.

    He hasn’t texted me or called me since the party. I didn’t say bye to him when I was leaving from the party cause I wasn’t gonna go up to him when he was with some guys just to say bye. I would’ve looked stupid and needy.

    I feel he still has feelings for me but like you said he knows that coming back to me means he needs to settle down. I know he’s not ready to settle down yet. He said maybe in a few years he can be that guy for me but right now he’s not that guy. Meaning in the future.

    Yeah I had to make it cLear that I don’t want to get back until he’s ready and sure that he’s done playing games. I’m not going to tell him I’m not going to wait for him. I am going to try to move on. Also so he could feel that there is a possibility of losing me. Like you said it might help him grow up faster if he feels he’s actually losing me and that I won’t be there forever.

    It’s time for me to let my actions do the talking. I know with him this situation it all comes down to patience. What do you think I should do or act whenever he decides to come for our daughter? Should I act more distant? Or act like how I’ve been acting? Just calm & cool? I don’t want to be a b*tch after this since I’m trying for him to be around our daughter more.

    Also Kevin how are you sure he still has feelings for me? And what do you mean by “he will start seeing me in a new light”?

    • Kevin May 27, 2015, 6:10 am

      Hey e.p,

      I think you should just be yourself. You don’t need to act distant as long as you don’t act needy. Just act like how you have been acting till now. I think you made it clear that you have accepted the breakup and you are strong. If I recall correctly, you always wanted to be with him even after he cheated on you repeatedly. Right now, you have laid it out clearly that your priority is your daughter and yourself. Not him.

      • Kevin May 29, 2015, 10:52 am

        ^^ This is what I meant by new light.

        From your conversation with him, I got the impression that you both realised that you are too good for him and that he needs to grow up to be with you. So if he sees a future with you (which he said maybe in the future he can be that guy), then he still has feelings for you and is still hoping to get back in the future.

        I wouldn’t overthink him sharing pictures of his gf. He is acting strange. A lot of people act strange (do what they normally wouldn’t do in a serious relationship) in a rebound relationship. There is no point in analysing it.

  • jrw2188 May 26, 2015, 9:47 pm

    Dear kevin.

    I have sent 2 messages to you, and I still have not gotten any response or seen them even posted. Is anyone going to help me with what’s going on with my problems or talk to me about it so I can’t stop flying blind. I would really appricate it please and thank you. When I do it just says waiting for approval and then when I refresh the page it’s gone.

    My use name is jrw2188 and my name is Justin wood

    • Kevin May 27, 2015, 6:02 am


      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can post your questions on the message boards and it will be approved shortly.

  • e.p. May 27, 2015, 1:25 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    You’re right I should just be myself and act like how I’ve been acting now. Not going to be anything more. Yes I did accept the break up well because I have no other choice. It is what it is. That’s the situation right now so thats what I have to accept and just roll with the punches.

    Yes I still wanted to be with him even after he cheated but I then decided it couldn’t be that way anymore and I couldn’t handle that. Too painful. I want him to see that my priority is my daughter and not him cause I’m sure he thinks he’ll always be one of them. My priority is my daughter she’s the only reason I had this talk for.

    Also Kevin how are you sure he still has feelings for me? And what do you mean by “he will start seeing me in a new light”?

    • e.p. May 27, 2015, 1:41 pm

      Oh and ever since I talked to him he has posted a picture of his girlfriend each night On instagram, so far there’s 2. Might be another one tonight but I won’t know cause I asked my friend to stop sending me screenshots of them, they hurt. But still hasn’t even bothered to ask for his daughter.

      This one said patiently waiting. He told me when we talked and he brought her up that she’s in rehab. Either way I don’t know if he’s trying to convince everyone since he hadn’t posted a picture of her in a long time.

      Also the picture he posted of her was very revealing like I can see everything. Its a picture a photographer took but not like glam shot it’s more of a lingerie shot. It’s clear he wants to show off what he has.

      He’s the type of boyfriend that likes to show off his girlfriend but not like that. He doesn’t like guys seeing his girl like that. Almost naked. He’s the jealous/over protective type. It shocked me he would post that picture of her.

      • e.p. May 30, 2015, 12:22 pm

        What do you think about all this? His behavior.

        • Kevin May 31, 2015, 11:43 am

          I answered you here.

          • e.p. May 31, 2015, 3:51 pm

            Sorry I just seen it. Thank you Kevin! You’re right. I shouldn’t stress it. Just let everything play out how it should. I guess he finally realized he can’t be with me anymore and play games. He has to be serious to be with me. Thank you once again Kevin :)

  • Lovisa May 28, 2015, 4:40 pm

    Hi again Kevin! i don’t talk to my ex and i’m constantly trying to work on myself and not trying to think about my ex.. but he still keeps liking instagrampictures on me! is that a good or a bad thing? maybe because we had a ‘ good ‘ breakup he already moved on, what do you think? i would really need some advice/ help right now.. thank you!

    • Lovisa May 31, 2015, 4:39 am

      Oh and i’m kind of confused about one thing.. should i keep the no contact in 30 days, or should i write to him sooner? i’m confused about that because we had a ‘good’ breakup, do you Kevin think he move on faster than a month because of that? i know i’m going to wait until i’ve moved on, but i don’t know really.. i would really need some advice :/


      • Kevin May 31, 2015, 11:57 am

        It depends on you. If you think you are ready before 30 days. Then go ahead and contact him. 30 is just a number. It’s more about YOUR state of mind and how you use the no contact period to improve yourself. Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4. Try to do each one of those things before ending no contact.

        • Lovisa June 1, 2015, 12:50 pm

          Hey again, yes i think it’s better to contact him after i feel fine again, but i’m a bit worried that he already moved on before 30 days.. what do you think? i’m confused :/

          Thanks, Lovisa

  • stoyan May 29, 2015, 5:54 pm

    Hello Kevin,thank you for your help.So to catch you up to speed ,one day after i posted here,she wrote me by a mistake and the next day she removed all of our photos.As i mentioned the last time i had her on the phone she was angrily claiming that she didn’t reach out to me ,which provoked my reaction ,because i asked her out 2 times in a row before that and she agreed initially ,but then declined.Do you think she has feelings for me?Do you think i need to give up on her?.Or is it better to wait?I honestly don’t know what to do.The last time i spoke with her was 11 days ago.Your help will be much appreciated.She still has not uploaded any photos with the new guy and most likely removed ours ,because she has seen my profile and has noticed that i’ve removed every picture of us together,so she did the same.

    Thank you,

    • Kevin May 30, 2015, 8:38 am

      Hey Stoyan,

      I feel like you two are sort of in the post breakup competition. Trying to see which one is doing better, while in reality you are both doing pretty bad. I think you should continue no contact and send an apology letter (or email) like I said in my last comment.

      • stoyan May 30, 2015, 3:32 pm

        Hey Kevin,
        Thank you for your help.You are right ,i am doing pretty bad.I don’t know if she removed the pictures ,cause she took a look at my profile or she just decided she doesn’t want to hear about me anymore.I would very much would like to apologize,but the last time i did she started acting cold.I don’t think she would appreciate it.I don’t understand her behavior at all.But i do think she is doing much better than me.The last time she wrote was 11 days ago.So if i decide to apologize,how should i approach that?I mean should i apologize
        and wait 2 weeks(isn’t that too much), or should i apologize and let it go,maybe wait to hear from her?Also what do you think about her feelings.Could you explain her behavior?Is she confused or just trying to show me she is better without me?

        Thank you,

        • Kevin May 31, 2015, 11:54 am

          Yes, she is confused. And is probably trying to look like she is doing better than you. The reason for an apology is to let her know that you acknowledge the fact that you have been acting inappropriately and it’s because you are hurt from the breakup. And letting her know that you need time to heal from this so you don’t act the same way when you are in contact again. Hopefully after reading the letter, she will also think about the way she is acting and will probably start letting go of the negativity and the petty competitiveness between you two and actually start focusing on healing. She might even contact you and if she does, you can either start talking to her normally (if you think you can) or just tell her that you need some more time and hopefully in the future you both can be good friends. Whatever you do, don’t repeat the same mistake you did before. Acting out after she refused to meet you. Act mature, not needy. If you think you are not ready for that, simply ask her for some time. Be honest about your emotional state. And if she doesn’t contact you, then continue no contact until the time you are feeling good about yourself. Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 and make sure you have done each one of them. And when you think you are ready, contact her.

  • Julie May 31, 2015, 11:46 am

    Hey Kevin,
    This page has been so helpful and is getting me through my break up. However I have 2 questions. 1st) My ex is having a party and its coming close to the end of my no contact period. He will most probably invite me, should I go? 2nd) After no contact period, how often should I space out my texts? Example: once a week, once a month?

    • Kevin May 31, 2015, 12:14 pm

      1) If he invites you and you think you are ready (feeling confident, won’t act needy) then yes you can go.

      2) It depends on how warm he is to your texts. If you guys are having good conversations. Then you can text him every 3-4 days. The key is to give him a little bit of time to initiate after initiating yourself.

  • e.p. June 6, 2015, 6:44 pm

    So he’s still posting pictures of her apparently and he put on his bio on instagram “I know what I want in life?” I know the diamond stands for her cause that’s what he calls her. Like if she’s such a diamond. Anyways he says she’s his diamond. That only means that by that he means he knows he wants her in his life.

    I’m starting to believe he really is completely over me and that he has no feelings left for me. Even if he said “in the future I can be that guy for you” he was just saying it to say it.

    Also he has our daughter this weekend. His mom took her I still haven’t seen him and I’m kind of avoiding him. I don’t want to see him cause I’m hurt. I don’t know if he’s going to drop her off on Sunday but I’m hoping his mom does.

    I hoped he’d realize he wanted to work on himself and want to work it out for our family after the talk but I was wrong. He seems to be serious about her and I’m starting to think this isn’t a rebound relationship.

    Help Kevin.

    • e.p. June 7, 2015, 2:28 am

      So I just saw him. Its midnigh. He came to drop her off. I was so cold and distant. He felt it. It wasn’t on purpose it just happened. He gave me a look like he felt it. But the look also looked tender like a look he us to give me. Now I’m just in tears

      • Kevin June 12, 2015, 4:02 am

        Hey e.p.

        Like I said before, you need to stop focusing so much on him. You will gain nothing from this except pain. He is young and for him to become mature enough for a relationship with you might take YEARS. So it’s better to just forget about getting back with him and concentrate on moving on. If it’s meant to be, it will be. You did everything you could. There is nothing you can do more. Over analysing every little thing and every interaction with him will just drive your crazy.

  • Jacquelyn June 10, 2015, 1:54 pm

    Hey Kevin!

    I must say, everything you mentioned above is totally accurate. And i realize what I’ve done these past few days to get him back was wrong. (Texting and calling and crying over the phone on how much i want it to work)

    It’s hard Kevin. It really is. We have been together for almost 4 years now and we’re about to hit our 5th in 2 months. I’d really really like if we end up together again because it is indeed hard to unlove someone who stole all the first things from me. (Eg. Kiss, and um i don’t wanna mention the rest.)

    But yeah I hope this works :(

  • e.p. June 13, 2015, 4:27 am

    I know I try not to think about him. Only thing is if he was showing good signs why does he act this way? Could he still have feelings for me and is hiding them and keeping them to himself just cause he’s not ready to settle down?

    • Kevin June 13, 2015, 7:50 am


      This is exactly the kind of over analysing I was talking about. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter in the long run. Even if he does have feelings for you, it’s better you don’t get back together right now. And if he doesn’t have feelings for you, it’s better if you don’t get back together right now. Their is only one thing that’s good for both of you, to accept the breakup and carry on with your lives.

  • Justin June 13, 2015, 7:35 pm

    Good morning. I’ve had some trouble lately. I’ve tried the no contact, but my Ex seems to want to still talk and hangout every now and then. About a month ago, we broke up. She was being distant and was unsure if she wanted to be with me because of her trust issues she has from our past. After we broke up, I tried being distant and it was working for the most part. She started to say I love you more, and how much she missed us, which she wasn’t doing when we were together. So, things went back to wasn’t doing when we were together. So, things went back to normal and yesterday we talked and we decided to call things off again. She loves me, but can’t get herself to move on from our past and trust me. That’s what is holding her back from being in love with me again. She still wants to hangout and each other. To her, she doesn’t have to trust me if we’re not together, but she can still have our relationship without really being in one of that makes sense. “She said she wishes it was me but we can’t always get what we want” and also said ” maybe in the future we can be together, but not now”. What should I do?

    • justin June 16, 2015, 11:57 am

      Its been 5 days since we last spoke. My birthday is coming up next week, so i assume she will text me, but just wanted to add that.

      • Justin June 21, 2015, 3:44 am

        Hey Kevin. Was just wondering if you could reply to my situation. Above. To add more, she came over without me knowing the other day bc my mom had a graduation gift for her. We grabbed a slice of pizza. The next time she asked me to come over bc she got in a huge fight with her parents and just needed me to be there for her. And my birthday is Monday and she said something is being delivered to my house but she probably won’t be able to hangout. Which I’m fine with. But please respond to my three posts. Not sure what to do.

        • Kevin June 21, 2015, 7:52 am

          Hey Justin,

          I see you first commented here last year. Has this been going on for more than a year now? So you never really applied no contact, you are not really in a relationship with her, and you are not letting yourself become emotionally available for someone else? I think since it has been a long time, it will be a good idea to do no contact. Tell her that you need time for yourself and you cannot let yourself continue in a situation like this. Tell her that if she is ready to start a relationship and trust you, she can be with you, but if she is not, then you need to move on. It’s time for an ultimatum. One year is a lot of time to spend waiting for a maybe.

          • Manny July 8, 2015, 4:54 pm

            I am in same situation and did applied for NC where she got in touch with me after approx. 40 days.And we have been touch thru email or once in while a call from her.I am also been waiting for more than one year now and I am applying for 2nd NC and if she replies back I will give her ultimatum.I cant be in this situation all my life,i already gave her one year and made so many changes in myself.

  • e.p. June 15, 2015, 2:57 pm

    So I noticed he took the thing off his bio but I know it doesn’t mean anything. I’m going to believe he still has feelings for me cause you said you’re sure and well outside point of views are sometimes better and can see the bigger picture. But I do think moving on can help. Going on dates maybe. I know my feelings for him won’t go away but I can still try dating.

    To be honest I still have hope not as much as before but it’s still there. In my heart that’s why what I want.

    • e.p. June 18, 2015, 2:16 am

      You know I’m now starting to fully see the picture and starting to actually understand more what you’ve been telling me this whole time. I mean I’ve understood it all along but I’m it’s now making sense.

      I need to move on and not as in move on to another guy and leave my feelings behind and just act like I never loved him but move on as in from all the pain and hurt its caused me. In order for us to even have a future and for that future to be healthy I need to let go of everything. Meaning fears, pain, regrets, anger, everything.

      I need to be a changed woman in order for him to see me as a better version of myself. It kept me thinking a lot on what he said when we spoke and I quote “you took everything, you accepted everything I did”. It had me thinking on how he sees and knows that I’ll always take him back and that he can continue playing games and I’ll be waiting. He saw me as a weak woman. That made me realize that I need to change and show him that’s not the case.

      I was reading a book named “why men marry b*tches” and its says that men are into women that aren’t afraid to make their own decisions, who aren’t afraid to speak out with their own opinions. That makes the woman different from any other one. That was my mistake. I lost all those things and I did what he liked. I taught him to think that of me, to think I’ll always be here regardless. I allowed it and did nothing in time to change it cause I was afraid to lose him. Now that I’ve lost him I really don’t have anything to lose but to gain.

      The only way to change his mind and view on me is to become a strong woman. A woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself. A woman who will no longer take bs from anyone. Only then will he see that and maybe want to give us a try but when that day comes it will take more than just my love for him to take him back.

      He’s going to have to prove himself to me. Show me that we can have a future and that he’s done playing games. That he’s ready to settle and be a family man. Only then will we work out. If I was to take him back right now I wouldn’t take bs from him but I’d probably forgive some of it. I have work to do and I need to do this change alone.

      • e.p. June 19, 2015, 9:38 pm

        After I made the decision to stay away I’ve been dreaming with him even more. I miss him like crazy. I think about him all day. All I want is to be around him and go back to when we use to have a good time but I know I can’t. Not now.

        I know I need to do this, for both of us. I swear in my heart and even when we use to speak and just how we would get along. He’s the one. He said the same and so did all his family. I guess this is something we need to go through but I’m really trying to be strong.

        I know this is what I need to do but it’s just so hard. My live for him hasn’t even faded not one bit every time I see him I realize I’m still so deep in love with him.


        • Kevin June 20, 2015, 8:03 am

          Hey e.p.,

          I know it’s hard but you will first have to start believing that he might not be the one for you. He cheated on you several times and made you feel bad about yourself. There is a very slight chance he might one day become someone worthy enough of having your love, but you should not count on it. What you are going through is one of the many stages of grief after breakup. In your case, because you have to stay in touch with your ex due to your child, it’s taking a lot longer for you to accept the breakup and move on. And you have relapsed quite a few time. Remember I told you it’s going to be a roller coaster ride. The love you are feeling for him is actually the result of the pain that comes with grief. Your mind is just assuming that if you are in pain without him, then you must love him. And it’s making you forget all the bad things about the relationship and only concentrate on the good times you had with him.

          But how much of your relationship was actually good? And how much of it was him cheating on you, making you feel needy, desperate, and unattractive? Were either one of you truly in a healthy relationship for more than 6 months?

          There are a lot of things you can do to put things in perspective. I am a fan of writing things down. Now when it comes to dealing with grief, writing whatever comes to your head is not a good tactic. Instead, writing on worksheets designed to question your beliefs about the relationship and your ex is very helpful. Since this website is more focused on getting an ex back and not getting over a breakup, I haven’t written about that much. But I will recommend you look into some of the authors who have worked in this area. Susan J. Elliott has written a lot about it in her book “getting past your breakup”. You should look into it. She also has a website with a support group focused on this.

          Now again, you have to shift your focus from getting him back to getting over him. And if getting over him requires you to give up all hope of getting back together, then so be it. It will be painful, but you will come out the other end stronger and happier than you have ever been.

      • Kevin June 20, 2015, 8:11 am

        Ok, you are on the right track here but you are on it for the wrong reasons. You should not become that woman for him. You should become that woman for yourself. If you are doing it for him, then you are still a weak woman who would go to any lengths to be with a man who cheated on her multiple times, disrespected her, left her and is living with a drug addict.

  • Lovisa June 17, 2015, 2:21 am

    Hey again Kevin! So i’ve been ignoring him now for a while, for 5 days ago he wrote to me, when he was busy at a concert! i answered, but kept it short. I was at the gym when he wrote, and yesterday he saw my new tattoo, i’m working on a sleeve! he wrote to me ‘ next time you work on the sleeve you have to do it nearby me ‘ i asked him ‘ what? ‘ and he said ‘ so i can see it ‘ i answered him short but i kept a good tone, it was a nice conversation! i was about to go to sleep so i ended the conversation with goodnight! what do you think about this? what do you think i should do next?


  • fry June 26, 2015, 6:04 pm

    So i have come back together with my ex-girlfriend. But now iam in a kinda wired situation… I changed a lot but she didnt changed at all (even the reasons why i broke up with her) I want to trust her but i cant. Sometimes she even makes me nervous when iam around her. Dont know what to do now…

    nice greets

  • Nightly June 26, 2015, 6:08 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I am back. http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/comment-page-4/#comment-6130
    We continued 2 weeks after. So your techniques work. Thanks so much.
    We had and have much problems, yet I felt good about being together mostly…

    Now, it’s over again…
    I guess the reasons must be something like:
    1. I had really stupid behavior from time to time. For example: ignoring her for hours if she didn’t sent a kiss back to my kiss msg. That made her cry and really frightened. I messed up big.
    2. I restrict her too much she said. I don’t fully agree but in some way ok. Also not enough trust.
    3. Not enough appreciating and thanking for what she does for me.

    So this unbelievable story happened:
    Monday I was upset that she was going off until late for 7th time in 3 weeks later this week. I said stupid threat words: if you are really going, we will break up. Next morning she read and kind of said ok we can breakup. She left phone at home, really unusual. Late midday I called work phone. Instead of showing my feelings of fear/missing her/saying sorry I just said stupid things again that must have sounded like I was judging her. At first she sounded friendly, later much more venomous. She said she would read my msg’s later. I asked if we are breaking up. She said most likely.
    Late evening Whatsapp msg’s got delivered but not read. Little time later she removed and blocked Fb.
    I called her (no answer) and eventually house phone. Her mother said she heared from her we are over. I said we are not. Her mother said goodbye forever. The mother always really really really hated me, and gf always defended me. Idk what happened exactly but looks like this was her chance to totally firewall daughter and turn gf against me.
    Since Whatsapp was still not read, I send some texts saying this is a big misunderstanding and we should talk. No reply.
    Next day of course she didn’t show up at our date. Still no replies.
    I sent cry videos (cause I was extremely upset) that I didn’t mean it this way. A bit later she read everything.
    She removed and blocked me from Whatsapp too.
    From my other phone I know that she very likely hasn’t been online on Whatsapp since then. Which makes me assume she changed cell number in just 2 days.
    I talked with best gf of her who confirmed we are over (above reasons came to talk).
    Today I went to her work, but she wasn’t there.
    And that’s it. No break up talk even. She disappeared from the earth. How I know her, this is completely against her own core rules. That makes it even more strange.

    Kevin what’s your opinion?

    • Nightly June 29, 2015, 2:32 pm

      Dear Kevin,

      I thought about it a bit more…

      I think my ex will have a 3-phase system.
      1. Early time after the breakup: high defenses.
      2. Mid time: A liquid, persuadable phase. Hard to tell when. (If there at all.)
      3. Late time: Solid phase where the breakup becomes unchangeable. “It’s just the best for us this way.”

      Reason: We have differences that can’t be solved without attachment/feelings for each other.
      So as soon as she enters the solid phase there is no chance of getting back together.

      I think that’s why she fully blocks me. She knows she can’t let me go, unless she does a hard aggressive cold remove of everything in her life that reminds her of me. Fighting all her emotions until the rational mind has fully taken over. That must be why she allowed her mother to take control.

      Also, she doesn’t know enough I love her because I told too less. She deserved more affection. (In contrast with a part of STEP 1.)

      I know I am too much outcome depended at this moment. But she feels to special to me besides the normal girlfriend stuff.
      I am at day 5 of NC.

      1. What is best to do?
      2. Do you think her way of breaking up is indifference or is it something else?

      Always thank you Kevin.

  • e.p June 28, 2015, 3:12 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    I’ve been doing a little better now since I last posted. I still miss him but I’m okay. Right now im working on getting into this job that I really want and I’m almost in so thats been keeping me distracted. I know once I start working I’ll be happier and my focus will be on that instead of him. I had too much free time that made me think of him but now I’m excited to start working. I’m excited to start being independent for my daughter and myself. I no longer want to depend on anyone for anything, not even my happieness. I feel happier now.

    Again I’m still in love with him but there’s nothing I can do anymore. I’ve given my all and he knows that. He knows what I offer and what I expect from him. Now its all up to him but I’m only focused on that job and moving forward with my daughter. I want nothing but the best for her.

    As for if we were ever in a healthy relatonship longer than 6 months, we were. The serious issues of him doing all those things didn’t start till last year(March 2014). That’s when he started doing everything and I started to feel unattractive and all those bad things. But all that is the past. It happened and that will never change. I’m just trying to move on from the past. I no longer hold any hate, anger, grudges, anything. I realized only way to truly be happy is to let it all go from my heart and let nothing but happiness and positive vibes in my heart. Like you’ve said in the past none of this will matter in the future(his actions now, our past).

    I have bigger problems to worry about than him right now and whether or not he’s still with her or not. Oh and supposedly she’s in “rehab”, so he says. Anyways thank you. Lets hope i don’t relapse.

    • Kevin June 30, 2015, 12:46 pm

      That’s great e.p. I am glad you are feeling better. I am sure you will only feel stronger and happier and from now. If you have off days and feel down sometimes, just accept them for what they are and let them pass (they WILL pass). Good luck with the new job. :)

  • e.p. June 28, 2015, 3:16 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    I just posted from my computer and it says awaiting moderation but it won’t show that on my phone. Just wondering if it went through.

  • e.p. June 30, 2015, 2:45 pm

    Thank you so much Kevin :)

  • Mishi July 1, 2015, 12:20 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Not sure why my messages never go beyond moderation. Am I missing any step here?

    • Kevin July 7, 2015, 8:18 am

      Hey Mishi,

      I rarely approve comments here anymore. Please post on the message boards.

  • Lovisa July 2, 2015, 2:14 am

    Hey again Kevin! Soo.. i can’t link my story, but it’s early may i know.. a month passed by, and went to fill up my arm with a dreamcatcher tattoo last sunday, i wrote to my ex because it seemed like we had something to talk about, like i wrote in the other comments, he has tattoos too! When i was about to end the conversation, i wrote to him that he can write to me whenever he want, (facebook messenger) . On monday, he wrote, and he has wrote to me since monday now, and it’s thursday morning right now! he wrote to me last night, and he asked me if i could help him with song text.. he put a video on facebook just so i could see it, he sang about a lovestory, i was positive and told him it sounded good, and now i’m kind of confused.. isn’t it kind of weird to send it to me, 3 days after we started talking? Do you think it’s a sign of something? i just need advice right now.. i’m going to keep talking to him as a friend, please help!


  • christie July 8, 2015, 1:39 pm

    I have read all your information I am going to give this a try. I have been going about things the wrong way I have been doing all the things you say not to do. mine and my boyfriends break up was very unexpected.

  • Mj July 9, 2015, 8:03 am

    I am Lesbian, does this work the same for us?
    Which do I follow, wanting to get my girl or man back?
    We both have feme qualities and neither of us are the ‘man’.

    • Kevin July 9, 2015, 8:48 am


      I suggest following the guide to get your ex boyfriend back. A few of the emails (in the later stages) might not apply to you. But all the emails and advice related to breakup and your ex remains the same.

  • farhaan July 9, 2015, 3:28 pm

    Mr. Kevin
    I am agree with your article.
    Before reading your article, i was hopeless but now i am ready to face those 30days (no contact).
    Thanks Alot mr. Kevin for giving a greatfull hope

  • Cara July 14, 2015, 3:06 pm

    So, I took all of the steps and didn’t break the no contact rule for 30 days. At the end of the 30 days my ex texted me and then called me three times. I did not answer him. A few days later we went out and asked if I was going out too, I said ‘yes’ and he began to tell me about his new gf. Turns out it was all a lie to make me jealous. At the bar I acted like nothing bothered me and I was having the time of my life. When I left, he texted me asked where I was. We got into a fight and then decided to meet up to talk about our relationship. He told me how much he missed me and how he wants to try things again. He included how he wants to limit his time from the bar and we need to put things in the past and start fresh. We talked about his family and how much they miss me and discussed our breakup. After this we slept together. The next morning we decided that I would go over the following day and he would make me dinner. We took a nap together, watched tv, and he fixed my car. Everything seemed great! The next day I didn’t hear from him. I texted him and no answer. Its been three weeks and nothing?

    • Kevin July 15, 2015, 6:39 am

      Hey Cara,

      It seems that you agreed to getting back together too quickly. You should have taken things slow. I think you should do no contact again. For a month. This time, don’t agree to getting back together or sleeping with him so quickly. Let him prove that he really wants you and that things will be different now. If he is not willing to do so, then you should move on.

  • e.p. July 16, 2015, 1:44 am

    Hey Kevin,
    You were right. I did go through a meltdown. It hit me hard! I didn’t get the job which bummed me out really bad. I felt terrible like a loser, a failure, and then I started to remember about him. I felt like I ended up at square one again. I cried myself to sleep for 3 days.

    I felt so depressed. I hadn’t felt like that in such a long time. I started feeling pain, anger, hate, and just all the negative again.

    On the fourth day I seen a post on Facebook about a place that was hiring. I turned in my resume and I got a call for an interview. Interview went great. The recruiter and supervisor liked me and the recruiter said he’d try his best to put me in. That made me see the positive again.

    I’m feeling strong about this job. This might be the one. After the interview I felt so much better. I guess it’s true when one door closes another door opens. I guess the other job wasn’t meant to be at least not yet.

    For a while I felt how I did in the beginning of my breakup like I was being punished. Things just weren’t looking good for me. I was even asking myself why is he happy, in a relationship and have it good and everything he wants and I’m being punished. But I feel strong again. I feel like I got this. I’m determined to live my life and not waste my youth.

    • Kevin July 19, 2015, 4:50 am

      Hey e.p.,

      That’s great. I am glad you are feeling strong again. Just remember whenever you are feeling down that it’s just a phase and it shall pass. And every time you will come out the other end stronger than before. Good luck.

      • e.p. July 19, 2015, 1:55 pm

        Yes I will remember that. Thank you :)

  • Adam July 23, 2015, 3:09 am

    Dear Kevin,
    good day to you was amazing course i feel so much better now just thank you ,
    i flow the steps one by one i read all the emails everything went perfect ,
    she start to call me texting me phons calls not like before ,she send one messge told me im the most man i ever loved her and she want my friendship for ever 😉 some times i fell she want me so much and sometimes if start talk about any future she love to remaind me that we are friends, so far im so gald we back together , but what is the next stop since she is coming for job interview this month she said; let us meet please for a drink as best friends for ever ,
    as usual please an advice
    all the best Kevin

  • Ben August 4, 2015, 3:01 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My girlfriend has recently just decided to end our relationship because she has some mental issues and feels as though she has to focus on herself and not be in a relationship. She said she had to figure things out and truly be happy on her own.

    She told me that I was amazing in the relationship and that she still cared deeply about me and loved me, she just needs time to herself at the moment.

    I asked her if it was the end for us forever and she said yes because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings anymore.

    I really care about this girl and am 100% devoted to her, I absolutely love her and think she is the one, what should I do?

    Thank you so much!

    • Kevin August 5, 2015, 11:13 am

      Give her the space she needs and use the time to make yourself a better person. Follow the plan.

      • Ben November 25, 2015, 10:02 am

        Thank you Kevin! I feel really bad for posting the other comments. I’ll use the plan and go on from there. There’s no need to respond to my other comments. Thanks again!


  • Kim August 8, 2015, 10:53 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Thank you for the article, it’s very helpful. I just broke up with my ex for one week but we are still living together because of some financial issue. He said he loved and cared about me so much but he was not in love with me, so he couldn’t see me in his future. I don’t know what to do because the way he looks at me is still the same with before, but he just not in love with me anymore. Do you think the minimal contact idea will work on this? when if it works, I don’t know how can I do that since we are still living together.

    • Kevin August 9, 2015, 8:49 am

      Hey Kim,

      Read this article. It explains how to do no contact if you are living together.

  • e.p. August 15, 2015, 4:33 am

    Hey Kevin,
    Hope all is well. Haven’t posted on her for maybe a month. So I haven’t seen my ex for almost 2 months. I’ve been avoiding him. Last time we texted was like 1 week and a half ago and it was only about him picking up our daughter. Then we said bye and that was it.

    So remember the girl that had messaged me and that her bf was in prison, well he just got out this past weekend and my ex’s gf found out and started following him on instagram. The girl that messaged me told me how my ex’s gf was messaging her bf through her sister’s instagram and she told him she was still in love with etc.
    My ex and his gf took each other off their bios on instagram but they take it off & put it back on a lot. But this time it’s been a couple days.

    So today my friend said she saw his facebook page and that he seemed sad I’m assuming he’s posting sad statuses.

    Now you’d think I’d get a little happy to hear he’s sad. To know he’s getting a taste of his own medicine but in reality I’m not happy. It actually hurts to know he’s sad and not for the reason that I don’t want him to hurt well I don’t but for the reason that he’s depressed over her. Hurt to know I didn’t even bring that out in him. Maybe because I’m not petty like that and I dont wish him any bad.

    Supposedly the first time we broke up he couldn’t stop thinking about me & he missed me like crazy & he was sad yet never showed it nor posted anything about that. At least I never saw or heard anything.

    Seems like she did him dirty before he even had the chance. Could it be he’s sad cause its now being done to him? Another friend of mine saw that his gf started following her ex and said he’s finally getting his karma. Which he sort of is but why am I not happy about?

    I remember at first all I can think of and say was hope he gets a taste of his own medicine and she does him dirty so he knows what it feels like and he can realize he messed up by leaving me for some homewrecker. But instead I’m hurt cause he’s hurting over her.

    Or could it be he’s hurting cause he realized the mistake he made? Well I’m assuming we can’t be for sure since I don’t know what the statuses say or what he posts (kind of scared to find out). Help Kevin please.

    • e.p. August 21, 2015, 11:21 pm

      Hello Kevin,
      So I ended up seeing him today. We hung out with our daughter. We went to the park and then went to meet up with his friend and then eat and then went to pick up another one of his friends. We were gonna go to his house well his plan I didn’t even know most of the time where I was going he just kept driving around going from friend to friend. Only thing that surprised me was that he was actually bringing me along instead of after the park dropping me off.

      He was even like I don’t think she(our daughter) wants to go home yet. I’m not saying he was using her as an excuse but I got the feeling he enjoyed my presence. Like he wanted to be around me as well.

      I didn’t go to his house though I just asked him to drop me off home. We were cool all day joking and laughing. Having a good time. Except there was a time where he got a call and he kind of distanced himself from me so like I wouldn’t hear. It hit me that he was most likely talking to her cause then I heard him asking what time do you want me to pick you up? But then why would he try taking us to his house right? Maybe it was that friend we picked up.

      Either way I’m trying to not get my hopes up and Ima just try to be friends. For the sake of my heart. I’m still in love with him but I have to be ok with the idea of just being friends in some way. Cause he’s still not giving me a clear sign of him wanting me therefore I can’t try to make this into something it might not be. Help

      • Kevin August 26, 2015, 4:00 am


        I think the reason he wasn’t sad after you guys broke up is that he knows that you are still not over him and will take him back anytime he wants to come back. He doesn’t think he has lost you. But he does think that he has lost that girl. The same way you thought you lost him after the breakup. Dealing with a loss is hard. Even if it was a rebound. If he ever really feels like that he lost you, he is going to be a lot more sad than he is now. But as long as you love him, he will know it at the back of his mind and he won’t really have to deal with the pain of that loss.

  • Des August 22, 2015, 9:47 am

    Hi. this is very great site and advice! i calmed for a moment and think about our relationship and our breakup. My boyfriend and i are 1 year and 4 mos together, until on Aug. 18(Tuesday) he broke up with me and I’m really surprise! we live together in the same apartment and i moved out already. I’ve been miserable because of our breakup and I really want to win him back. actually I’m planning to plead (a surprise sorry note with “can we be together again” letter) and search it to google and wasn’t expecting this. I’ve given it a thought and do this plan! i really want him but wanting him is hurting me, and thank you so much because i realize something. I guess I’m doing the right thing right? :) im very happy bcoz of this site. IT IS WORTH READING!
    sorry for my English xoxo

  • e.p. August 27, 2015, 12:27 am

    Yes that makes so much sense and even I’ve said that myself. He knows he hasn’t lost me but once he sees he’s losing me then he’s gonna feel worried. I’m over the breakup it’s just my feelings towards him. I’m open to dating. I feel ready to date. I just haven’t found someone. Yes I’m still in love with him but I’m also open to try to give myself some happiness whether it’s with or without him. Not that I need a man to give me happiness but I mean relationship wise I’m open to giving myself a chance.

    He’s still not ready so I can’t wait for him. Yes I have my off days where I miss him like crazy and all I want is him but then when I pick myself up I’m happy again. I finally feel happy with myself, like sincerely happy with myself.

  • Alex August 28, 2015, 9:09 am

    Hey Kevin,

    It’s been a month, and I’ve done everything on the checklist. I have re-established contact, to find that my ex is still with her rebound (They’ve been together for 3 weeks now) I believe she’s starting to lose interest in him now. I also believe my ex still has feelings for me. Should I disappear until they break up, or keep talking to my ex. I don’t want to be friend zoned. Advice?

    Amazing website, too. Helped a tonne! Highly recommend it! :)

    • Kevin August 29, 2015, 2:59 am

      Hey Alex,

      Keep in touch. But don’t look needy or desperate. Don’t always be the one to initiate contact. If she seems cold, back off for a while. If she is interested in talking to you, keep the momentum going.

      • Alex August 29, 2015, 5:11 pm

        What happens if she doesn’t initiate contact at all? I mean, I’m pretty sure she’s trying to resist. But when we do talk, she keeps the conversation going, and keeps the momentum going, too.

        Thanks by the way, helps a tonne :)

        • Kevin August 31, 2015, 3:06 am

          It’s OK if she doesn’t. Just give her a chance to initiate contact. Like a week or two between you initiating contact. If she doesn’t initiate contact, don’t overthink it and just continue doing what you have been doing. It’s a patience game for you right now.

          • Alex August 31, 2015, 4:38 am

            Thanks so much. I love your guide too. You’ve helped a lot of people!

          • Alex August 31, 2015, 4:40 am

            Should I initiate contact if she doesn’t, but wait two weeks? I mean, by then her rebound would of probably ended, and she’ll be feeling down.

          • Kevin September 1, 2015, 2:49 am

            Yes, wait a week or two between you initiating contacts. If every time you chat, she seems upbeat and really invested in the conversation, then you can reduce that time to 3-4 days. It’s a judgement call and only you can be sure about it depending on how the conversations with your ex are going. Basically, as long as you are not coming off as needy and desperate when talking to her, you don’t have to worry about who initiates first.

          • Alex September 1, 2015, 9:02 am

            Yeah, my ex does seem happy and interested in talking to me. She actually initiated contact for the first time yesterday, and we talked a little. It was good, and she referred to an old memory we had by saying she was watching a film for the second time (the first time it was with me). Good signs, I presume?

          • Kevin September 2, 2015, 3:06 am

            Yes. :)

          • Alex September 24, 2015, 11:32 am

            Hey Kevin,

            It’s been a while since we last spoke, and some things have changed. My ex agreed to meet me, and see me again, but she’s not given me a date. She’s simply said that she’ll get back to me on it. It’s been about 5 days, and still nothing. She did message me yesterday and showed me a picture of myself when I was younger (It was a yearbook type thing, and she was the editor). I mentioned how my picture was bigger (and more embarrassing) than the others around it, she simply said “It’s just cause I love you”.

            Recently though, she’s been feeling a bit off. Like she’ll ignore some of my messages, and won’t seem interested in talking to me anymore, other than the other day when she messaged me and said that.

            Is this push/pull behavior, and what should I do?


          • Kevin September 28, 2015, 12:46 am

            She is confused about her feelings towards you. She definitely still has feelings for you. But she also remembers that you two had a relationship before that ended in a breakup. It’s more of a hot and cold behavior than push/pull (if it seems that she is pulling away without you pushing, that means she has an internal conflict). The most important thing here is to not give her a reason to pull away. In short don’t push. Don’t be needy. Don’t be desperate. Let her process her emotions and confusion at her own pace. It might take time. If you can show how much you have changed and improved as a person, without making it obvious, then do so.

  • Kora August 28, 2015, 11:02 am

    Dear Kevin,

    Me and my ex have been broken up for about a month. I was currently following these steps until me and him started talking again. I had blocked him from all my social media except for Kik. I decided to give myself time. During that time he had 2 girlfriends. One that didn’t even last a week and the recent one that had been with him that lasted almost 3 weeks. I’ve been by far the gf he has been the most with. That is until We had to go long distance. during long distance he had cheated on me with multiple girls, multiple times. I know my worth. I know he doesn’t deserve me. But for some reason I feel SO attracted to him! He contacted me a week ago saying he had broken up with his girlfriend. Then he tried to make me laugh with old jokes and ended up asking if I was ever going to give him another chance. I said No, bc i didn’t want to seem desperate. after that we kept on talking like friends and we both started talking about our past relationship and he said i was the best girlfriend he’s had and that he loves me and that i’ve always had his heart… but than he got with a different girl. WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!! DO I START AGAIN FROM STEP 1?

    • Kevin August 29, 2015, 2:57 am

      Hey Kora,

      I would suggest a longer no contact period. And yes, start again. Like you said, if you think he doesn’t deserve you, then you shouldn’t take him. Even if you feel attracted to him. But I know it’s easier said than done. Especially when you feel you still love your ex. That’s why I am recommending a no contact period. If after that, you still want to be with him, contact him.

  • Katie August 30, 2015, 10:05 am

    This is my 4th attempt in reaching out to you. I got stuck after the first hang out and haven’t been able to get him to hang out again. We text occasionally and he says he wants us to be friends, but I don’t know what to do from here. Your plan ends after the first meet up. I’ve attempted to see him twice since the first lunch meet up we had a few weeks ago, and he keeps saying he’s “busy”, no real excuse, just that he’s busy. Although I haven’t said a word about the break up or wanting him back or used the word “date”. I’ve been strictly platonic and done everything you said. I’m thinking I may have to redo the 30 days no contact, because I feel like he’s suspicious to what I’m trying to do. Please help!

    • Kevin August 31, 2015, 3:03 am

      Yes, it’s probably a good idea to back off for a while since he is acting cold. No contact for 30 days sounds good. Try going on a few dates during this time. If after that, he is still cold, then you should definitely consider moving on.

  • erin August 31, 2015, 10:48 pm

    It has been three months no contact, I have my letter ready, but don’t know if I should send it or how to word it. I also don’t know sometimes if I should even try to get him back. I want to be with him 100% but on our last phone call conversation, he told me he just doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore….can I even fix that? even with 90 days of no contact!?

    • Kevin September 1, 2015, 2:45 am

      If you are sure you want him and you two have the potential to have a long lasting healthy relationship, then you should try to get him back. The only way to know if you can fix that is by contacting him again. If it doesn’t work out, you don’t have anything to lose. You are already broken up. At least, you will know that you tried.

      • Erin September 1, 2015, 4:51 pm

        Should I ask him to call me in the letter or does that sound too needy? Is there anything else I need to add or take out…its hard trying to filter our all the heartfelt emotions that are bubbling at the surface. It is very short…I said I accepted the break up and understand why it happened; I apologized for not giving him space right afterwards and calling and emailing him; I said that positive things were happening in my life and I wanted to be able to share about them with him….I wished him well and said Love, Erin…that was it.

        • Kevin September 2, 2015, 3:05 am

          No don’t ask him to call you. And after the wanting to be able to share with him part, add the word “someday”.

  • tom September 3, 2015, 5:53 am

    my comments aren’t showing up

    • Kevin September 4, 2015, 8:29 am

      Tom, the comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. Please use the message boards to post your question.

      • Tom September 13, 2015, 6:44 am

        I have already posted my question that didn’t show up.

        • Kevin September 15, 2015, 12:26 am

          The first time you post on the boards, it needs to be manually approved by me. It will show up now.

  • e.p. September 4, 2015, 2:20 am

    Hello Kevin
    Okay so I finally started working last week (yay me lol) and my ex has been taking care of our daughter. So on my first day which was last Friday he texted me asking me what was I doing that day and that he was gonna go to our friend’s house and I said about to get off of work and well get our daughter and nothing, why? And then he asked me if I wanted to go with him I agreed but then we didn’t even end up going we ended up at his house instead and we didn’t really hang out that much cause 2 other friends were there but he even bought me food. Ok so that was Friday.

    I didn’t see him again until Wednesday when he picked up our daughter but Tuesday night I had texted him to make sure if he would still watch our daughter he said yeah but through text I felt like he was in some way cutting me off, he might have been tired since he worked but I just stopped replying. Wednesday he came and picked her up and he was cool with me then later on that night I came out super late from work and he offered to pick me up I told him to just pick me up from the bus stop close to his house that I’d call.

    I assumed he would pick me up with our daughter in the car so he can just drop us off but nope, he just picked me up and again took me to his house he hung out for a bit but again some neighbors came and he left. I then left before he came back and I just texted him to remind him about what time to pick up our daughter he then replied saying you left? I said yes and he stopped replying.

    Today (as in Thursday) he came to pick up our daughter and offered to give me a ride to work but I already had one so I said no thank you he said ok have a good day at work and then we said bye. Again he picked me up from work and once again I thought he’d bring our daughter but once again he didn’t. He just picked me up and took me to his house this time he said I have to go somewhere and then he said I’ll be back. I left again before he came back. Tomorrow (Friday) he offered to give me a ride to work.

    Last Friday I left his house like at 11 something these 2 times I’ve been leaving by like 9:30 since I end up getting there late. Like Wednesday I got there at 8:20 & today like at 7 anyways I think he thought I was gonna be staying late again but I’m not.

    Anyways to sun up my question are these good signs? Or….help?

    • Kevin September 7, 2015, 5:15 am


      Maybe he is trying to be supportive or maybe these are good signs. I can’t really tell. I think it’s best to just focus on your new job and your life and not expect anything for a while. If he is really interested, he will make a clear move. Something you won’t have to interpret. If he doesn’t, you should just assume he is being friendly or supportive. If you keep trying to interpret his actions, you will never be able to move on with your life.

      • e.p. September 7, 2015, 9:18 am

        I know I am just focusing on my new job. I was just wondering since he was the one to ask me to hang out. I’m trying to not make this into something it’s not cause it could just be a friendly thing. He’s not making anything clear. I’m not gonna get excited over this. I’m just gonna do me and well lets see if he decides to make a clear move, whether that’s trying to talk to me again or he starts talking to someone else. Thank you Kevin.

  • Jacquie September 6, 2015, 11:36 am

    Hey Kevin,
    What if your ex has access to your personal accounts? Like passwords to Facebook and Instagram? Should I change my information? I just don’t want him thinking I’m hiding something.

    • Kevin September 7, 2015, 4:59 am

      Yes, you should change it. You shouldn’t worry so much about what he thinks about you. It’s more about having privacy and setting boundaries.

  • Anjali September 7, 2015, 8:46 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I haven’t posted here in 4 or 5 months. Please scroll up if you’ve forgotten me! Hope things have been well with you! Last I told you was I told him to stop saying he loved me unless he wanted to seriously work things out. I had also been moving on, going on dates, getting on with my life. He contacted me two weeks ago to ask me if I wanted to start dating again. He said he thought about it and realized what we had was special. I asked him why he just doesn’t start dating locally and he said he did go out and meet a lot of people but found no one interesting. He said he realizes other things in his life are more fulfilling than work. I told him I would think about it but I’m really not sure. I have this huge exam that decides my career coming up next June and I don’t want to compromise that. I asked him if he would wait for me after that and he said he would. I’m thinking of telling him that he needs to show me things have changed and he’s serious and we can consider making it official after next June. Do you think I should also ask him to visit me explicitly too or let him figure that out on his own? What do you think of all this. I’m worried that he is coming back because he’s just desperate and thinks he can’t find someone better.

    • Anjali September 7, 2015, 8:52 pm

      He also said he saw dating as a step towards moving to be in the same place when I pointed out we have known each other forever and this either needs to move forward or back. He said that obviously its been a while since we have spent real time together and been in the same place so that is an issue but he really thought about this before brining it up with me. He did bring up friends engagements and stuff but idk how seriously to take him. He was pretty immature when he used to always prioritize work before and I’m pretty skeptical he’s really changed. Idk if I can take this or him seriously. I wasn’t really expecting him to come back any time soon. I had really been getting on with my life. I’m just really concerned that this is because he thinks he cant’ find someone else. I really just don’t know. I don’t want to mess up my huge exam because of him. But at the same time I don’t want to say or to say yes. I need to take some sort of middle ground. What do you think of the idea I came up with of asking him to demonstrate his seriousness?

      • Kevin September 8, 2015, 3:25 am

        I think it’s a good idea. If you are not sure about him, you shouldn’t start dating or make any commitments yet. Let him prove that he is serious and work for what he wants. If he really wants to be with you, he will work for it.

  • Robert September 10, 2015, 7:58 pm

    Hello Kevin I hope that you can help me out cause I really need some advice. I know it’s pretty long but please bare with me. So my ex girlfriend and I broke up about a little over a year ago. We were together for 6 and a half years. It was a “break” turned break up. I made all those mistakes post break up. After a couple months I did no contact and came back from no contact completely wrong and failed miserably. A little later we tried to be friends but she said it was getting hard because she was “talking” to someone and she was “torn” I guess between the two.

    I went back to no contact a couple of months. I came back from no contact like 4-5 months ago by inviting her to a concert, something that both of us are really in to. Going to concerts became our thing. We became friends at least that’s what she tells me, we are only friends and I have just gone along with it. She said that I am her best friend. I hoped for it to evolve into more than friends but I’m starting to think it won’t and starting to feel frustrated. She would always say that she is never friends with her exs but some how wanted to be friends with me. We have recently started to hang out alot pretty much every weekend for about 2 months now, dinners and movies. Pretty much almost like dating. I know that she has been dating. When I came back from no contact she was seeing someone.

    Although she would always refer to guys she was seeing as “friend” whatever that means. To me it was like possibly hiding that person. She recently stopped talking to someone. This was the first time she refered to someone as a guy she was dating. This is where it gets confusing/complicated. She started to follow me on Instagram. She keeps on making plans for us together like we should go here or do that. Once she told me we are going to be best friends forever and screw these insecure guys who say we can’t be friends. She has even posted things like that on social media then deleting it. One of the times we went to a concert together she randomly gave me a hug and rested her head on my shoulder. One time while we were having dinner she said to me that I’m like her soul mate because we like similar things. 

    Interestingly she said that for Halloween we should do a couple’s costume from a movie she likes. I’m not quite sure what she meant by that. But she continues to say that were just friends. This past holiday weekend (labor day) we were together pretty much all weekend. She even invited me to spend time with her family, something I haven’t done since the break up. Her mom made it awkward by asking me if I was trying to convince her to get back together. Her mom never wanted us to break up. We went to the beach together just the 2 and she posted a picture of us together on Instagram. So recently I feel like I’ve been getting mixed signals.

    I have been considering telling her how I feel but I’m not sure how she would react or how it would effect our friendship. I’ve been thinking of saying some where around the lines of “I’m not trying to convince you of anything because that sounds like I’m pressuring in to something. I understand we are just friends and if you ever reconsider having a relationship with me I’m open to that. If not I’m ok with being friends. I’m not trying to force myself on to you or be clingy or anything. I’m just trying to be myself. Hopefully we can still continue our friendship.” Or saying something like “I’m beginning to fall all over again for you” to make it seem like it’s something new. I have actually started developing more feeling towards her. I fear that she is talking to someone new though because she was telling of a “friend” she is getting to know. The question is telling her how I feel a good idea?? Or wait it out? If yes, any suggestions on what to say?? Please help me out!! I’m really torn on what to do and want to get out of the “friend zone”.

    • Kevin September 15, 2015, 12:35 am

      I’m not trying to convince you of anything because that sounds like I’m pressuring in to something. I understand we are just friends and if you ever reconsider having a relationship with me I’m open to that. If not I’m ok with being friends. I’m not trying to force myself on to you or be clingy or anything. I’m just trying to be myself. Hopefully we can still continue our friendship

      ^ This, I will not recommend at all. It looks weak and looks like you are trying very hard not to look clingy and at the same time you are not being true to yourself. It will also make it look like you are afraid to go after what you want. If you are trying hard not to look clingy, it will make you look weak and unconfident, which is equally as unattractive.

      I will recommend that you let things progress for a while. Spend more time together and wait it out. As you two get more close to each other, start getting physical. Like holding hands, or touching her when it seems appropriate. If she responds well, try kissing her. If it progresses, then you can have the talk. But make sure you know what you want. Do you want her as your girlfriend? Are you REALLY ok with being just friends if she says no? Or are you just too much afraid of losing her forever? Be honest with yourself. If you are just afraid of losing her, even if it’s killing you just being friends with her, then it’s better for you to let her go if she says no. And then be honest with her. Tell her that you want her as your girlfriend. And you don’t want to be friends anymore. And say it with confidence. It’s not so much about the words you use, but your intentions and your confidence.

      • Robert September 18, 2015, 2:47 pm

        Thank you Kevin for the response. Yes, I do want her as a girlfriend. I’m going to have to say that yes, I am afraid of loosing her forever which is why I have been agreeing to be friends. I have to be honest, it has started to get hard being friends. I understand I should start getting a little physical, which makes me a little nervous honestly because I’m not sure how she’ll react. I get that I should wait it out a bit but what if she’s starting to date again? I honestly don’t know if she has. I guess I would want to tell her soon but I don’t want to ruin plans we already have.

        • Kevin September 19, 2015, 2:49 am

          Hey Robert,

          If you are afraid she will start dating soon, then you should make a move. Eventually, you will have to man up and do what’s necessary. Remember, everything you did till now (no contact and the 5 step plan) was an attempt to give yourself one last chance. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, then you learned a lot from it and you move on.

          From what you have told me, it seems she is into you. But if you don’t make a move, you will be friendzoned. And we both know it’s going to be a torture for you emotionally being friends with her while she is dating someone else.

          How long you should wait before making the move is up to you. But I will not recommend waiting too long. Starting to get physical is a good way to test the waters. Don’t let your fear of losing her hold you back.

          • Robert September 23, 2015, 3:34 am

            Hi Kevin, thanks again for the advice. Indeed my fear of loosing her is holding me back and is putting stress on me. I definitely do fear she might be or probably already is “talking” to some one. Once again I really want to tell her but don’t know exactly how or when to tell her. I kind of narrowed it down to saying something like “recently I have started to fall for you all over again. I wish not to see you as a friend but more than a friend, a girlfriend. A while ago you told me that I was like your soul mate and I didn’t think much of it but now I’m also feeling that way. You are my best friend and you’ll always be but I would like to be more than just best friends”. If she says no or responds negatively I’m not sure where to go from there. Maybe saying that I need space now and could possibly be just friends in the future. One thing I’ve been thinking is where do you suggest I tell her? Like as I’m droping her off or like over dinner? It’s probably a silly question but I don’t make her feel uncomfortable.

          • Kevin September 24, 2015, 2:58 am

            Hey Robert,

            If she says no, you should definitely back off for a while and think things through. Do you want to pursue her more? Are you OK with being friends? Should you try to move on? I will recommend moving on. But it will be ultimately your decision. There is no point thinking about it now. Only think about it if she says no. Just tell her you need some space and think things through.

            When to bring it up is again up to you. When you feel the vibe. When you feel like you both are having a good time. Don’t think so much about not making her uncomfortable. It seems you are caring too much about her feelings. To the point of being insecure. If every guy starts caring so much about making the girl uncomfortable, they will never make a move.

          • Robert September 30, 2015, 3:28 pm

            Hi Kevin, understood. Very good points. So  I am very unsure if she’s seeing or talking to someone or not. This past weekend we spent a lot of time together. At some point she mentioned a friend that she was talking to late at night. She had mentioned this guy in the past and I guess they’ve known each other for a while. She has referred to guys she’s dated as “friend” so I’m not sure if they are actually just friends or something else. On Saturday night I invited her to dinner and a movie. When I was dropping her off she said “thank you for the date”. I’m not sure if she meant to say that or she accidentally said it. We follow each other on Instagram and that night she went on a bit of a rant for some reason. She said that she’s at a point in her life where she doesn’t care about dating or relationships. She’s finally ok with being alone and she’s just looking to being 100% happy. On Sunday we were together all day and she had a family emergency and I stuck with her through it. That night she texted me saying thank you for the very fun weekend and being there for her and her family. She ended the text by saying I’m truly the bestest friend she could ever have been given. I was thinking of telling her this past weekend but backed out once she started to make plans for this weekend. I was thinking about telling her this weekend. Given all this and her possibly not dating do you suggest I wait it out a little or go forth and tell her?

  • James September 14, 2015, 10:13 pm

    Dear Kevin,
    I am now doing the doing the no contact rule. And what should i do during this time? And what should i text her? you know, i don’t want to be a stupid guy texting the wrong message. So can you help me please?…
    Best regards,

    • Kevin September 15, 2015, 12:24 am

      Follow the plan James.

  • Y.a.g September 17, 2015, 4:50 pm

    I did comment like 8 times … And every and each time i stay half an hour writing then when i submit it it never appears !!!!!

    • Kevin September 18, 2015, 6:02 am


      I am sorry about that. The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I rarely approve a new comment anymore. Please post your question on the message boards.

      • Y.a.g September 18, 2015, 4:47 pm

        Hey brother,
        Oki i did posted it there and I wanted to ask and i wish u answer me.
        1- me and my ex brooked up 5 months ago .. We talked normal and texted each other but then we had a fight and i hurt her and she hurt me …then she said i dont want to talk to we have to stop and i dont have any feeling to u and there is no hope to be together again… But i know i love her and she does .. But i still have hope so i tried the no contact rule like for 1.5 months i didnt talk to her .. But her birth day is after 2 days should i do any action or a letter or i dont need to appear plus she traveled to study outside in another country and she is coming after 3 months.
        2- in the no contact days should i delete and block her from facebook and instagram and snapchat? Or just ignore her and dont talk to her on these apps but i will be visible for her. .and she blocked me from snap but not from instagram i dont what the hell was that !!
        Thanx sooo much

        • Kevin September 19, 2015, 2:51 am

          1. You can send her a small text if you want. But it’s not necessary. If you decide to text her, keep it short and to the point.

          2. Don’t block her, but don’t stalk her social media profiles either. Don’t let it become an obsession.

          • Y.a.g September 19, 2015, 4:34 am

            But i already finished 45 days with no contact !!! Isnt it a good time to start trying to get her back ?

          • Kevin September 21, 2015, 4:18 am

            If you’ve finished no contact, then yes, you should contact her and try to get her back. Follow Step 4. You can wish her on her birthday and try to chat.

  • e.p. September 21, 2015, 3:24 am

    Hello Kevin
    So last time I posted I was telling you on how he had asked me to hangout and how he was watching our daughter while I worked and he was sometimes giving me rides to work and picking me up. Well since that last comment he’s been doing it a lot.

    I’ve been seeing him a lot and every time he picks me up from work he takes me to his house. Except the last time I saw him cause I told him to drop me off home. Anyways, so he picks me up and takes me to his house but he drops me off cause majority of time he goes to pick up his friend to hangout.

    The last time I was there I told him if he can give me the car seat cause he always takes long to come back and I didn’t want to be staying so late cause Im tired and well cause I have work. He was like I’m not gonna take long it’ll be quick I’m just gonna go to my friend’s house. I was like you always say that and he was like you don’t have anything to do at home but he said giggling. I then told him yes I do I have work, I need rest and I also said it giggling.

    He then said I’ll be back fast for real. Of course that didn’t happen. He came back but later. I called him to tell him if he can take us home already cause I was tired and had work the next day. He then came for me and my daughter and then when I put her in the car she was crying. She wanted to sleepover.

    He then told me why don’t I just leave her and I told him who’s gonna watch her when everyone here is going to work tomorrow he said I’ll watch her or why don’t you stay here? But then quickly added You can stay with my mom and I was like, like sleepover? And he said yeah, you can stay with my mom (in her room) I just nodded my head no and said I can’t stay I have to go.

    He then gave me a look like why not? But then his look became something else. I don’t know hard to explain. We seem to get along perfectly but the love is still there for him.

    It’s clear he’s not giving me any clear sign even him asking me to sleepover doesn’t mean he want me but why ask me to? Kevin I need some help.

    • e.p. September 22, 2015, 11:30 pm

      I’m assuming do no contact?

      • e.p. September 24, 2015, 1:32 am

        He’s showing signs of when a guy is hurt and starts hitting on girls to heal the pain. I have this girl on facebook who I’m friends with and so is he. He’s been kind of hitting on her and she’s been ignoring him(she knew him before me but know that’s my ex). Anyways he’s kind of pushing it like he’s hoping she continues it so he can’t hit on her more and maybe get lucky with her.

        Well I don’t know if she’s replying to him through messages cause I’m sure he messaged her already; flirting and stuff but through comments she ignores him. Well now I feel his attitude has changed towards me like now he’s being distant again and kind of cutting me off.

        It hurts because I feel like he used me as someone to have around meanwhile he found girls to hit on. I don’t know. He’s starting to act like when we first broke up and I don’t mean towards me I mean like hitting on girls trying to get laid (sorry to say it like that).

        He just talks to them for fun and then leaves them and then after some time he’s ready for a relationship again. Well that just happened once but I mean he’s showing the same behavior in a way. Yes it worries me a bit cause what if he ends up finding another girl but at the same time I’m trying so hard to ignore it all cause its not my problem.

        I guess I just thought he enjoyed my company and was maybe growing his feelings back towards me by the way he’d look at me but I was mistaken. I was hoping he had realized his mistake. But like you said he knows he hasn’t lost me so he doesn’t care cause he’s sure I’m not going anywhere.

        Also we have tickets to go to a music festival together the day before Halloween. I don’t know what to think or do. I was thinking no contact maybe. Maybe until like 2 weeks before the music festival, start talking to him a bit since we do have tickets to go together. Kevin please help me!

        • Kevin September 24, 2015, 2:52 am

          Yes, I will recommend no contact. Your emotions are still dependent on him. And you are still obsessing over his actions. It has been a long time since the breakup but it seems you never learned to stop obsessing over him and his actions. I suggest you do that and cut him off from everywhere so you are not able to see what he is doing. I think it’s important that you get a break from him and just be with yourself for a while.

          • e.p. September 24, 2015, 9:07 am

            I don’t have him on any social media. I have the girl and that’s where I saw it. I do need a break. I need to learn to not over think any of his actions. It just bothers me that I don’t know what he is truly thinking so it makes me curious. I just need to learn to ignore him again and continue with my life. Thank you

  • Callum McAulay September 21, 2015, 1:27 pm

    Hi Kevin.
    I need to ask do I need to go through the no contact rule before I subscribe for part 5. Because I don’t think I read it properly?

    • Kevin September 22, 2015, 6:19 am

      No, you don’t. In fact, Step 5 will help you go through no contact.

  • Y.a.g September 21, 2015, 4:36 pm

    Hey again kevin.
    I wished her a good birthday and asked about her life and uni but she was so cold and short answers … What should i do when she is short texting me and it seems like she dont want a conversation !!! :( should i stop texting or should i try and call her or what do u think .. I need your answer .. Thanx.

    • Kevin September 22, 2015, 6:20 am

      Do no contact again for at least two weeks (preferably a month). This time, send her the letter or email as mentioned in Step 4. Wait another one week and text her again.

      • Y.a.g September 23, 2015, 5:54 pm

        Hey kevin. Today i just discovered that she blocked me from every where !!! Just suddenly. But i swear i know she loved me i dont know now whats happening !! Am so disappointed but am hating on her now acctually .. Cuz i was so nice and i cared acctually i cared about every thing she loved ( her sis, bro, friends, even her cusins ). I loved every thing she loved. I did what no one would do to her then she just blocks me !!! What ? Is she sick or fake or why would any one do that to someone who loves them. Actually i dont know what to do but i think i should move on ? Or just wait or make a no contact rule but longer like 6 months !! I dont know i need a good advice from you and am sorry for annoying you

        • Kevin September 24, 2015, 2:54 am

          If you were doing no contact, she might have blocked you out of anger. It doesn’t really change anything. I will still recommend sending the email or the letter as I suggested in my previous comment.

  • Lisa Roussel September 22, 2015, 9:44 am

    I read your guidelines on How to get your ex back and I am interested in receiving your daily emails. I look forward to hearing from you soon!
    Thanks so much!
    Lisa Thompson Roussel

  • Azzrina September 27, 2015, 10:08 pm

    Hey Kevin, that was a really good one thanks a lot u made me feel much lighter n it helped me control myself I hope ur guidance help me as well thank u once agin

  • Erin September 29, 2015, 2:54 pm

    Hey kevin,
    I wanted to let you know that I sent the letter finally. After telling you about it, I sent it a few weeks later, all the way to alaska. He’s had it about a week now, and traveling to europe. I don’t have any expectations but I am unsure if I should attempt to text him at all. What do you think?

  • mlckmlvnk October 3, 2015, 10:00 am

    Hi Kevin,

    This is not personally related to my relationship and breakup problems. I just find your advice inconsistent with the “Relationship Rewind” advice given by Ryan. On your site, you suggest to go through a 30 day NC period. However, Ryan says that he doesn’t believe in NC, and that it’s a very “obsolete” method to use in getting a relationship back together. He suggests reaching out to them when you can, so you can show that you still care about them in some sense. I’m not sure if I’m just misunderstanding, but it’s confusing as to which method to use properly. Could you please clarify? Thank you so much for your time.

  • Stephanie October 7, 2015, 2:38 pm

    What do you do when you have a child together along with a new business. This requires daily contact all of the time.

  • stoyan October 9, 2015, 5:57 am

    Hello Kevin,haven’t heard from my ex for 5 months.The reason i am writing is because she has a birthday in 10 days and i’m not sure if i should even greet her or not.Also i noticed that we are still friends in fb and she uploads some photos ,but she hides them from me.What be could the reason for that.Why would she want to keep me as friend and hide pics .

    Thank you,Stoyan

  • e.p. October 10, 2015, 10:04 am

    Hey Kevin,
    I feel in such a dark place again. I think now that we’re close again like we talk & see each other some what a lot it’s made me go crazy. It gets to me that I can’t hug him or nothing. That I can’t have him. I think I’m at this stage where I want what I can’t have.

    I ended up deactivating my Facebook and Instagram account because I really didn’t want to keep seeing things he was posting on that girls statuses or pictures. I have her as a friend so I didn’t want to keep seeing that and then get curious and look him up. I’m going crazy.

    I know I’m still in love with him and it’s not just a feeling of rejection. But I also noticed that no matter how much I love him or even if he wanted to get with me right now it wouldn’t work out. He hasn’t changed. He’s still the same, he’s still being that immature 21 year old.

    I think that’s what hurts the most that he’s not ready not does he care to be ready for me. Could be because hes sure I’m not going anywhere and I’m going to continue waiting for him. Which is my mistake for allowing him to think and believe that and well in some way confirming that to him with my actions.

    He has no fear of losing me because he knows he won’t. Do you think if he starts seeing or knowing that I’m talking to another guys or going out on dates he’ll start trying or at least start feeling fear of losing me?

    It’s been 11 months since we broke up almost a year. I know it’s about that time I let it go and move on. We still have a Halloween event we’re going to together, well in a group, should I try to test his jealousy? Maybe if he sees me talking to a guy or at least guy hit on me see how he reacts? I know I’m playing a childish game but I would like to know if he’s even bothered by it.

    I feel like that I’ll know his feelings towards me if there’s even any left. At times I feel it but then there’s times I don’t that’s why I’m confused. Anyways HELP please!

    • e.p. October 13, 2015, 11:58 pm

      Hey so today his mom told me that my ex was telling her that he was planning to change his car in and get a new one and put the new one under my name. I don’t know why. He can just put it under his mom’s or sister’s but why choose me? Maybe because I have no bad driving record since I don’t drive? He can’t put it under his name since he got his license taken away. Why give me that power over him in a way. I don’t know if he’s doing it so I can be driving him around. Everyday I’m more confused.

      I also started to talk to a new guy and then I find this out. I still love my ex but I feel like I should continue to allow myself to see how it goes with this new guy. Like I said everyday I’m more confused. I wish it was my ex who I text with and that it’s my ex who tells me sweet things but it’s not. Ugh! Help please

      • Kevin October 16, 2015, 6:31 am

        He still trusts you and thinks of you as family. It’s a good sign, but I guess it will just make things more confusing. He is still immature and not ready to give you what you want. And there is absolutely no sign of him changing anytime soon. I think you shouldn’t expect anything from him. I know it can be hard since you to have to interact with each other and be in each other’s life. I guess you will just have to learn to live with it and not expect anything from him.

        • e.p. October 17, 2015, 12:04 am

          Yeah I am more confused. His mom was even confused as to why put it under my name. She even said I think he wants you to be driving him around or I don’t know why put it under your name.

          Yeah its clear to me too that he’s not ready to give me the relationship I want right now. He’s still into getting girls. He wants to continue having fun. I do have to learn how to live with that. It’s been a hard process but I need to learn to not take anything he does right now serious.

          Nothing matters right now since we’re both single.

          • Jay N. November 8, 2015, 6:24 am

            Hey E.P., your comments are very few interesting to read. I’ve stayed up at the 3 am in the morning to read your comments. Remember, stories have happy endings if you just follow your heart and do what’s right :)

  • sammi98 November 10, 2015, 9:28 am

    Your Plan work wonderful. me and my ex are now back together.

  • Esther November 15, 2015, 6:21 pm

    Me and my ex were together for two years. He received a higher paying job offer in PA (we’re in CA) so he moved over there. We continued talking but he started dating a new girl. After only three or four months he told me he got engaged. I have said everything I need to say to him. Our relationship had started worsening as we began arguing a lot etc. He told me that he has moved on and I should just not talk to him any more. We always agreed once one of us got married we would stop talking.

    I was thinking of doing NC for a few months. I am not sure how effective it would be since he is getting married though. What do you think?

    • Esther November 15, 2015, 9:11 pm

      BTW the whole thing seemed suspicious to me so I said I hoped she weren’t a rebound. He is known for having rebound relationships in the past. But he insisted, no, she’s the real deal.

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