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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to get through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat_begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

 

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very attractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

 

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here

Women Click Here

 

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2557 comments… add one

  • Gina April 25, 2014, 12:22 am

    Dear Kev,
    Unfortunately I initiated contact because I saw someone like him in the town. So the next day I asked him whether he was around and when he said no I was gonna finish the convo. But he said he saw a family pic and that I have gone down. We were chatting for few minutes and I was dying to know if he was still in the rebound. I asked hows she and he asked who ? I said Kiara and he said she is good. I almost felt upset but I didnt show. I asked him so did u want to say hello to me on your way to the countryside with her ? He said NO , I went with mom n sister. When I asked him is she keeping you happy ? he said its too personal.
    However, I felt uncomfortable and I felt like this is not gonna work so I said lets talk business and I called him because he wanted a plan to pay the money he owes. But the conversation was so fun , he was telling me about creams I should use cz I have got sun burns lately.He asked me why have I lost weight ? I said cz Im doing yoga !
    He asked me about my interviews and I asked about his work too. We were talking like before. I thanked him and said I learnt a lot from our relationship and about life cz of him and this incident and Im a happier person now. I told him I do meditation and make me feel great!
    When I asked him how he is , he said he is ok ! I said oh you should be more than ok cz ur life is great with a new relationship and work.He said its hard to be happy like I say and he said he regrets about what happened and he wishes he could go back in time and fix things.All of a sudden he started blaming me that I ruined the whole thing by telling my parents and so on. I kept calm and I said lets not talk about past now. U have a gf and u have to be happy about it.I clearly said we hav to clear doubts cz he always blames me . I said u cheated on me and I had to tell my parents . I told him no matter what I was there for you but you jumped in to another relationship and its not my fault. I said I never walked out on you but you did so now we have to live with that and be happy.
    He said its difficult and he asked me to find a bf and try it. I said no , im enjoying right now eventhough I have something coming up in May. I asked him whether she is good and loves him . He said yes. ( Sighhhh.. he said she ‘s pretty isnt she ? I said yeah ) . I sounded totally like I bless their relationship and I told him to be happy. I know he must be having a great time with her.
    After the conversation I broke down in tears , i felt so upset . Then I decided I should get closure . I msged him at night saying he can pay the money in installments and sent the details. Then I got to know he got his results . I asked him whether he passed and he said yes. Thats his final exam and I was waiting 5 years to hear that news. :) I said its a shame you never told me . He said we shouldnt chat often. I sent my details and said I need closure . I wished him luck and he wished the same. I dont know why he behaved like that .Pls kev, Do I still stand any chance?

  • Jason April 24, 2014, 11:20 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    So I’ve read your page and I’m wondering, when you send your ex the memories that you’ve had together, after a while you’re gonna run out of memories, or she may get sick of them if you tell her the memories of the past all the time. So my question really is, how many kinda flashback/memory comments should you say to your ex. Also, what do you do if you ran out, and how long should you talk to your ex after non contact? A few minutes on Facebook? Or do you gradually build up the time you spend together?

  • julian April 24, 2014, 12:37 pm

    Kevin. I spoke to you over a month ago , about me and gf that said that she wanted to date other people . She dont me yesterday that she dumped me for her ex bf. My gf and her ex bf dated for three years and lived together. She got used by him big time, free rent. He is a man with three kids and my gf is 32 and no kids. They broke up for financial reasons the first time. We dated for 4 months but I slept at her place every other night. She never got over her ex as we were dating but I never consider myself as a rebound relationship cause she dated him 2 years ago. I know that he want to use her again for papers and she seem desperate to get married and in love with him. She doesnt want me to go to her place anymore and she has threatened to ca the cops. She bagged to stay as friends for a while since we broke up 2 months ago but she want to be left alone. He is a lot worst than me financially. How much of no contact ( I was never able to applied at first place until today and I begged for last two months to get back until I learned the truth last nigh that I got dumped for ex and not for the reasons she told me) what do you suggest me to do in order to get her back? Should I still keep her on facebook? No contact for how long? Please advise.

    • Condit April 24, 2014, 1:47 pm

      Julian, I read your post. Kevin will probably give you a much better insight of what you can do but since we are all here for the same reason I would just give my opinion and you decide whether to take it or just pass it by: Please ask your self if you really want to be with a girl that has gone as far as saying that she still loves her ex and wants to be back with him?? Who has threaten to call the cops and told you to avoid visiting her house?? I would really think my next step if I were you man because I do not think you will have mental peace and trust thinking you are with a girlfriend who is in love with somebody else in case she decides to have you back. You will probably have second thoughts in your mind all the time, if she is talking to him or still seeing him. Sometimes you need to move on and continue your life, all things happen for a reason and I am positive there is somebody else far better suited for you than your ex out there. Your situation and mine is different but the outcome is the same, move on in life. Hope it helps!

  • lou April 24, 2014, 7:16 am

    Hey kevin
    only been 1 week with nc how long before u think she start to miss me

  • jacelyn April 24, 2014, 3:41 am

    Hi Kevin, Hope you can reply my message because i need to know what to do from your advise. I added replies yesterday. Not sure if you saw them.

  • Charllyzs April 23, 2014, 9:10 pm

    Hey, i just want to let you know you (your daily insights) have helped me through a lot but i think i missed your last 3 emails. The last one i got was ‘Using Facebook To Get Him Back (Part2)’ on April 20.

    • Charllyzs April 25, 2014, 1:26 am

      Just got your latest emails. Thank you.

  • Sarah April 23, 2014, 4:03 pm

    Hey

    If you remember my past comments you’ll know my ex pretty much never broke up with me but just started ignoring me. It’s been over 30 days since contact now, is this a good first message: ‘hey I had a big performance last night and I wore the lucky necklace you bought me, it worked! Hope you’re doing good.’

    Please tell me if it’s okay and if not, what I can do to make it better.
    Thanks.

  • mimi April 23, 2014, 3:16 pm

    I wrote to you earlier explaining my story, I am currently 13 days NC and plan to be on NC for 1-2months. However, I am starting to lose hope. If a man tells you he wants to focus on himself and his goals such as going back to school and doesn’t want to be basically distracted by a relationship, is there really any chance??

  • Carlos Silva April 23, 2014, 3:01 pm

    Hi there Kevin,

    Things have been going well. Sort of. We met in group for some coffee, and she paid me a lot of attention. She told me it would be great if I could keep our dog another night because she was going to have a lesson. At night she linked a song on facebook, and later I linked another. She commented saying how funny it was that she thought about linking the same song. I told her I listened to the other song first too. She asked me to swear, and I did. Day after I wanted an excuse to get out of the house, and she was coming to get our dog. So I asked her if she mind me going with her to walk the dog (by text). She said she didn’t think it made sense. I told her I was sorry, and that I thought she was comfortable with us being “cool”. She said she was, but not this way. She then texted me to apologize, and I told her it was fine and to not be bothered by it. Told her I would meet some friends, and that she could pick up our dog at my place. She thanked me, and I told her there was nothing to thank for, and everything was alright. I had a great night with my friends actually.

    I feel like I should have not texted her that, and highly regret it. I’m back to 100% limited contact, but I wanted to ask if what happened might be a big blow to my chances? I’ve been reading relationship rewind and it’s actually a great read, not just for people who want their ex back, but for people in relationships. I wish I had found your book earlier.

    Thank you Kevin.

  • RD April 23, 2014, 3:24 am

    It’s okay that you missed it,i didn’t send him anything.It was my nameday yesterday and he didn’t wish me..His mother did,she was asking me how i was doing and i told he i’m great :) and she wanted to open a chat about general things (maybe she was waiting for me to say something about her son),i don’t know if he told her to contact me and see how i am,or if she did it on her own.In previous times,she would just wish me and that was it.Now she was opening chats !?! Should i take that as a sign or what? I’m in day 10 of no contact.

  • Lacey April 22, 2014, 6:07 pm

    Well Kevin you were right about the hot and cold behavior, it did pass. On Friday at work I was in the break room eating my lunch and my ex happened to walk in and we always glance and smirk at each other. When he left and was out of sight, he sent me a text saying that I looked nice. I replied saying he looked handsome and he said, “Stop you’re making me blush.” After work, I thought he was going to go to the back where his truck was but instead walked with me outside to the front where we talked for about 10 minutes before I had to leave. He asked for a hug before we parted ways. My question is, how should I go about this in the future, and should I wait for him to make a move?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:02 am

      Yes, you should just continue the flirting and wait for him to make a move. If he doesn’t make a move in the next 2-3 weeks, then you should ask him out.

  • Josy April 22, 2014, 5:43 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    I know you probably are tired of seeing my name but I need some help. So I am going to start the no contact like you suggested but how to attract my ex back after meeting up with him and crying and talking about the past. I want to reverse all of that but how?? Will just the no contact and working on myself change that? Or is all hope lost he is being really distant now when just a week ago he was saying he misses me with sad faces. I really love him and know our love was true. I really want another chance, what to do? I’m sorry for so many messages and I thank you so much for everything!

  • Kesha Caser April 22, 2014, 1:42 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    This is Kesha Caser from previous messages below. I’ve basically failed at the no contact issue. I continue to have to start over. I have texted small things such as “How are you, hey whats up” and things of that nature. He responds back but it is very short or one or two words. I did talk to him about my feelings 2 weeks ago and all he could say is “man i messed up and to make it easier for me he wanted to keep in contact” I met up with him and basically just talked to him. He never once asked how I was doing. Everything was about him. I texted him Easter Sunday and we had a brief conversation. I sent him some encouraging words because he is trying to play professional football and will know the results next month. However, at the end of the encouraging text I stated, “In the mist of praying that we get back together, GOD has redirected me to encourage you. He did not respond back after that. I am still torn but is doing a lot better. It has been 2 days of no contact. What do I do from here?

  • sue April 22, 2014, 7:29 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I broke up with my ex bf a month ago. We both are 27. We were friends for long time, dated for more than 3years, and lived together for more than a year. We were planning of getting married next year, but ex couldn’t make up his mind completely and he left me after I mistakenly said we should break up. Soon after I realized I said too much and apologized, but he didn’t change his mind.

    We both were mentally unstable sometimes, which lead us having so many arguments especially for the last half a year. We got through a long distance before living together, I thought we had a strong bond. He says; 1. he can’t imagine a happy future with me because we argue a lot, 2. he’s very stressed out because of many other things so he wants to be by himself, 3. he doesn’t know what to do in his life so I should be happier if I’m with someone else, 4. he knows I will support him for the future but one of us cannot be completely happy, 5. he sometimes think maybe the separation was a mistake but it was for the best. I couldn’t accept the separation. I tried to talk to him a few times in person but we couldn’t talk what we wanted to talk because he was so emotional and stressed.

    In the last talk we had, I said to him we shouldn’t see or contact each other any more. He said he didn’t want it so suddenly because I’m still important to him, but finally accepted.
    But after 3 days, I sent him a message saying ‘we can be friends but I just need more time to sort out my mind’ and ‘I will be okay without you soon, but so far I feel it was very fun to be with you’. Of course he didn’t reply me.

    Do you think I still have hope and what do you think I should do?

    • Kevin April 25, 2014, 12:43 am

      Yes, you do have hope. I’ll recommend you work on your communication issues before getting back in touch with him. I highly recommend the book “Non- Violent Communications” By Marshall Rosenberg.

  • Sue April 21, 2014, 10:06 pm

    Hi Kevin –

    I’m reposting as I didn’t read the guidelines before my first post.

    My boyfriend (just turned 27) and I (turning 27 in May) broke up about a week ago. He said that he didn’t feel the same way I felt about him. So I accepted it and never contacted him again. He reached out to me via text on Saturday to check in and see if I was doing ok and I responded because I thought it was rude that I didn’t. I told him I was doing really well, I’ve been learning a whole lot about myself, and asked him how he was doing. He replied saying it’s been hard for him, he hopes we can be friends and if there’s anything he can do to make things easier for me to let him know. Towards the end of the text conversation, I asked him if we could have a closure chat at that moment because I felt like he didn’t tell me everything about why we broke up. He said he wasn’t in the right state of mind and suggested we do lunch this Saturday. I do love him and want him back but I’m not really sure what to do. Based on the plan I should not have lunch with him since it hasn’t been 30 days and I haven’t really made that many positive changes in my life. If so, how do I go about reaching out to cancel lunch? What do I say?

    Thanks,
    Sue

    • Kevin April 24, 2014, 1:15 pm

      Hey Sue,

      If you think you can handle the lunch, then go ahead and meet him and just try to stay positive. Don’t show any signs of neediness during lunch. I think you’ve handled the breakup pretty well till now and you will do just fine with the lunch. You can start no contact after lunch again if you want.

  • Adriana April 21, 2014, 8:41 pm

    Hi!
    it has been 12 days after the breakup, i went on my skype and he erased me, I was not planning to contact him at all and i sent a contcat request by mistake! It was a mistake!!!! im not very techny what can I do??? it was a mistake!!!!

    • Kevin April 24, 2014, 1:10 pm

      It’s OK Adriana. Don’t worry about it. Carry on with the plan.

  • Jane April 21, 2014, 5:46 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I’ve written here previously, I waited nearly a couple of weeks to get back in touch with my ex. I sent a text about me just finishing season 3 of Game of Thrones (we watched the first 2 together) something funny like ‘Omg! just finised GoT 3, have you seen it? I’m in shock, I was doing ‘the dance’ to the music.’ (we invented a GoT dance together). Then he replied, nope, he has been waiting patiently but now has the DVD, and the thought of watching it was a bit sad too :( and he will be doing the dance to the intro :). Then I asked, sad? It’s epic! He said it’s sad because it’s something he enjoyed doing with me. Then I said just remember the dance and smile, that’s what I was doing :). I then sent him some old pics of animals he asked me to take when he didn’t have his camera when i was with him and said I was sending it to him because I was formatting my phone and to take care x. He didn’t reply. What does all this mean Kevin? Is he trying to move on and get over me? He hasn’t tried to get in touch with me since our conversation after he sent me a bday card. I really want us to work, I have a sense we are unfinished and still care a lot for each other, He has a lot of personal issues to sort like his health issues and needs a stable job, instead of my help he blamed me … should I move on or give him yet more time? Thanks in advance, you rock!

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:49 pm

      It’s a good sign. It doesn’t necessarily mean he is trying to move on. He was just expressing what he felt and probably seeing you so upbeat made him a little confused. Give him some time to think and sort out his issues. Contact him again after a week.

  • John April 21, 2014, 5:28 pm

    I have question I bought relationship rewind and the magic letter is something I want to try but I’m doing the 30 day no contact rule and I feel like the magic letter wouldn’t work in this situation what phase does the magic letter work because I feel like your approach with the letter is much better. She really hasn’t contacted me much in this long 30 days does that mean she’s done with me. I feel like she doesn’t miss me and the more she doesn’t contact me the more I feel like my feelings are true. I Have good days and I have bad days and sense I’m writing you today’s been a pretty bad day i’m letting my paranoia of her moving on get the best of me and it’s all because I haven’t heard from her. Our relationship problems was my fault I took her for granted and I didn’t treat her like the queen she was but that’s because I was so comfortable around her I just didn’t think things would go wrong. She started to change at her place of work because the guy she works with would flirt with her and She felt they were giving her the attention I wasn’t. Towards the end I did become very clingy very needy and when she broke up with me I cried as she wiped my tears away telling me she hated to see me like this but I just loved her so much. I know you said time heals everything but she works with these guys every day and I believe she is dating one of them and the more I don’t see her and the more she sees them I fear she will forget about me. Anyways what do you think and thanks for all your help you really get me through the day with your emails

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:44 pm

      Hey John,

      The magic letter in relationship rewind works great if you have already established friendship with her. I don’t think it has happened in your case and I’ll recommend you use the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan. When you do get back in touch with her, then the texts and the conversation ideas in relationship rewind will be of tremendous help. I am glad the emails are helping you. Even if she is dating someone, it will not make her forget about you. In fact, people who go in rebound relationships actually take longer to get over a breakup. A rebound relationship does provide comfort, but it doesn’t really help in healing from the breakup.

  • nora April 21, 2014, 4:49 pm

    Hi,
    I am emotionally and physically seperated but still living with husband.
    I met a single guy last Oct/Nov and dated for about 6-8 weeks. I fell for him.
    He said we need to do no contact and then be friends. I think he wanted a ‘single’ woman or so he said.
    I tried contacting him every day. But he did not reply. After 8 weeks he replied and wanted to get back together and wanted unprotected sex. I said no but we made out. After that he lost interest and said we cant go out anymore. Since then he says we are only text friends and nothing more since I am still ‘married’. I plan on filing papers soon but he wont believe me.
    Last week I went over to his house and he was gone till mid night. I got very mad and yelled at him that he’s out on a date and that he used me etc. etc.
    he said I am stalking him and wont talk to me anymore. :-(
    I want him back so badly but how to? I think he was out with someone else and that’s killing me.
    i am finding doing the NC very very hard. Advise please.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:40 pm

      Hey Nora,

      I think you are putting him on a pedestal. You are getting out of a marriage and you are hoping to hold on to him because when you look at him, you see comfort and protection. But in my opinion, he might just be a rebound for you. And you want him around because you think you need someone to deal with everything you will be going through when you file the papers. I might be wrong about all this. But I believe, you should file the papers, separate from your husband completely. Be single for a while and learn to be happy while being single and then contact him.

  • Jacinda April 21, 2014, 3:45 pm

    We were together 12 years, two kids. Two months after I left he moved a woman and her three kids in. Our divorce was final January of this year. We have slept together once (I know, I know)…. Following this his girlfriend found out and shut down all communication. We have been six weeks no contact. Today I had to discuss something to do with our son and the conversation went from there. It was really good, we shared memories and such. However, I messed up and got too personal, too close. He was talking about us meeting and I told him I didn’t want to be the other woman. I asked him his plans for the new girlfriend, as she told me they were getting married. He shut down. Then I asked if he wanted me to just give up on him…. his reply was… I don’t know Cinda, I really just don’t know. WTH is going on? I guess I kinda ruined it, huh? BTW: All this was done by texting.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:37 pm

      Hey,

      I don’t think you really ruined it completely. You still have a chance. But next time you talk to him, don’t get too personal too soon. He is definitely having second thoughts about all this, but if you keep asking about all this, you will be pushing him in the wrong direction.

  • Sarah April 21, 2014, 12:20 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Thanks again for all your help and all your great articles… I may not get my ex back at the end of this but I have never been happier in my life so I will always be grateful to you in any case:) Now to my conundrum…
    Short recap: 1 yr dating, 2 mths NC, he started officially dating this girl 2 weeks after me, been together for almost 3.5 mths now.
    So, we have been texting for over 1.5 mths. When he is free we sometimes text for hours and hours and mostly every day. I asked him out for a coffee 3 weeks ago, he was happy to come, he took me to a nice place, he called me by a cute name, he even hugged me at the end which I really did not expect. We continued talking a lot afterwards, mostly him initiating. Then once we went without texting for 4 days (I can be stubburn :) ) and on the 4th day he randomly invited me out for a coffee. I couldn’t come so we postponed to a later hour. He seemed a bit “shy”, like, he wouldn’t look me in my face while talking to me but not sure if in a good or bad way. At the end I think he wanted to hug me again but I was scared it would be awkward so I left right away. This was about 10 days ago. We continued chatting, he even sent me quite a few pics of him, last time even 3 naked pics from behind (we were talking a lot about our workout/muscles etc). I didn’t reply so he texted me again asking for a comment, which I found amusing :) He did this a couple of times which I found funny since he is not the most prompt replier but I always just wait – whenever he replies, he replies. I don’t go crazy over it anymore. Then last week I asked him if he would join me to go to cinema. His actions after this were so confusing. At first he said: Are we going to the beach afterwards? :P:D Joke… but everytime you mention cinema I remember those times on the beach :) (-a couple of times after cinema we went to cuddle etc to the beach). I replied that we can go to the one in the mall if the other one brings too many memories :) To which he replied: I didn’t say they were bad memories you silly girl :). He also asked me when are we doing something else together again (a hobby we both share). Anyways, I asked him to let me know during the day and he agreed. Thing is… he didn’t.. he only replied the next day that he is still at work and he would be working till the evening. I couldn’t understand if he was happy to have an excuse or annoyed or what, cause his reply was so cold. I only reply the next day joking that he could have told me he didn’t want to come and I wished him happy holidays. This was on friday. For the past 3 fridays before that I went out with a friend of mine and we ended up hanging out with his best friends. He was annoyed that he couldn’t join us. Last friday he took a day of and joined them but I went somewhere else so I hope that maybe he was hoping to see me there but his last reply makes me doubt that. He only replied the next day saying: don’t be silly:/ and wishing me happy holidays and saying that he will be working. This was 2 days ago and just while I was writing this he texted me asking about my holiday. I thought he would have waited longer;) ANyways, it all looks quite ok except for the fact that he is still with her. Honestly, I doubt he is going to leave her since she is so accommodating. I know he is not into her that much, everyone knows that except her is seems (she is 10 yrs younger so it might be that). He is kind of keeping her secret even after all this time. And she is just so naive and I don’t know why would he leave her since he has got all the benefits of a relationship without having to commit at all, without having to put any effort in it, without any drama. I am happy now, I have all the patience in this world, but I am starting to feel a bit bad doing it. Like, he would compliment me a lot, we would go for coffee, we would chat every day for hours.. then I would see a love song from her on his FB wall and it would make me feel awkward. Not even annoyed or sad …just awkward. We not once spoke about her although he tried to make me jealous about some other girl that I used to be jealous of but without success;) Any suggestions on how to proceed? Even if he doesn’t want to be with me or still have doubts etc, shouldn’t all this make him realise he is really not that much into her and leave her?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:31 pm

      I think the best course of action will be to not force anything on him just yet. From what you described of their relationship, it will probably end soon. He might be enjoying her naivety right now, but eventually when things get serious with her, he will feel smothered and want to end it. What you should think about is how long are you willing to wait for him. I think you should even start going on dates and moving ahead on your life. Even if you are not looking for anything serious, it will help you gain some perspective. And it might have the added benefit of him realizing that he will lose you forever if he doesn’t make a move soon.

  • Matt April 21, 2014, 11:32 am

    Kevin,
    Finally some insight after much searching. Thanks!
    She moved out a week ago, back to an old flame who is “taking care of her”. All her stuff is still in our [my] apartment. I asked her about moving it out. She responded “Why do you push and push and push?” Yes it’s been a long week. I fell into all the above traps. My no contact venture starts today – Day 1. She texted me yesterday. “Happy Easter” she said and a couple of other oddity’s. Apparently what she is saying to me and what she is saying to other people [who are advising her not to come back] are polar opposites.

    This is horrible. Tell me it gets better.

    M.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:25 pm

      It will definitely get better.

  • Tan April 21, 2014, 9:22 am

    Hi Kevin, it’s me again. I contacted him about dissolving the asset this Sat as I didn’t want him to have any resentment for dragging it too long. I decided to end it as I am already in the feel that we need to clean our slate for us to restart again. It so happened that I am already into using LOA and that’s when you emailed about The Secret and about taking action. I felt even more ready to let him know subtly how I still feel about him and I want to apologize and thank him for all the love that he showered on me for 5 years.

    Everyday I’ve been getting signs and sudden visions about him coming back and as each day past, each vision was another step nearer. Everything was very random and would appear at random times of the day but it was all very sequential. E.g. suddenly remembering his smell 2 days ago and then felt how it was like when he held my hand and then about him feeling jealous when I was helping a guy friend out. It all felt very real.

    Today, when I truly felt like we were together in another reality, out of the blue, his elder sister messaged me. I was so surprised yet happy at the same time. Suddenly it dawned on me if this is yet another sign that is following the day-by-day sudden visions. His sister asked if how am I and whether I’m still in contact with her brother. I said “he contacted me to sign the hdb letter because it has been dragging for too long. Lol I don’t know if you count that as contacting.” And she went on to ask am I feeling better?

    I told her yeah, don’t worry. Although I can’t bear to draw the line so clearly after selling the house, but nvm. (Of course I felt like house or not doesn’t matter if it can bring us a 2nd chance.) And she told me “you are a very good and nice girl. My brother don’t have the fortune. I’m sure you will find a better man.”

    Sighs. I don’t know what she meant by that because I had a sudden thought that he’s dating someone new? Yet I would have conflicting thoughts like circumstances don’t matter, only state of being matters that kinda thing you know. I asked how is he? And she said he is moving on with his life very well and you should too. And I just replied “Yeah I can tell. He told me he wanna faster put the hdb behind us so we can move on. Otherwise it’s a thorn that is bothering him. Don’t worry ba. I have moved on from all the hurt and sadness. Perhaps I just need more time for my feelings to fade entirely.”

    Simply do not know what to reply to a message like this. It sounded really negative and I didn’t want her to think I’m delusional if I were to show I’m acting like we’re together already. I wonder if this is a past vibration coming back to test me considering that I’m so ready to win him back this coming Sat when we meet. I was already in the feel when this had to come. Honestly, it did knock on my confidence. When I thought about the sentence “My brother just don’t have that fortune. I’m sure you’ll find a better man”, I felt down and almost felt like tearing. But I didn’t. Even now when I type this, I felt like this was a past vibration coming back to test me.

    What would you advise?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:05 pm

      I don’t think you should let yourself be bothered by what she said. You should still continue with what you plan on doing.

  • Amanda April 21, 2014, 8:58 am

    Kevin,
    So here’s my story. My ex and I were together for a year and a half. 2 Months ago he told me that he loved me, still cared about me and he was happy with me but something about the relationship was making him unhappy and he didn’t know how to fix it. After 2 months of trying to figure out what went wrong, I tried to do everything possible to fix things and eventually I pushed him away. We had a huge argument last week and I told him if he was so unhappy to pack up and leave and that’s exactly what he did. Well the 1st 3 days he was gone I did everything you said not to do, I cried, I pleaded, I practically begged on my hands and knees for him to come back home. I texted him constantly begging for an explanation to why he would leave. Finally he gave me a reason and I understand it now. Basically he said our relationship became too much of a routine and boring and he lost interest. Which makes sense because we both work the same shifts at work and from the second we are out of work we do the same things every single day. The excitement and adventure had died down but I feel that that was something easily fixable and he feels he didn’t know how to fix it. It’s hard to give up on someone I care so deeply about and especially when the only thing that was wrong was the fact that our relationship became routine. He works where I work part time (2nd job) and we have many mutual friends. On Saturday he went to a good friend of ours and asked him of he I told him what happened, our friend told him whatever is going on on our relationship was between us but he was aware that we were broken up. My ex went on to say “whatever she told you is a lie” and was really upset. Apparently my ex thinks I went around telling everyone he left me with nothing. When in all honesty the few people that do know the situation I’ve told them the complete opposite, he is still helping me with the household bills till I find a roommate. Well I’ve had NO CONTACT with him for the past 4 days but it really bothered me that he would thing that I would bad mouth him so I sent him a text. All I said was whatever has happened between us is just that “between us” , I let him know that I’m no longer angry and I’ve accepted the fact that he made the decision to leave and I have no reason to bad mouth him when he’s still helping me out. He replied and said “oh ok, no worries”. Was I wrong for texting him? Should I start the 30 days NC over?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:01 pm

      I think it’s OK that you texted him. But since it’s only been 4 days, I’ll recommend you start no contact again.

  • daisy18 April 21, 2014, 4:11 am

    hi Kevin,

    first of all, thanks for always replying to my questions here..its a relief..all the time.

    i have completed 30days..and during the NC period over 21days my ex texted me twice (a day after the other)..i didnt reply coz i was really doin NC very well..i replied eventually after NC period is over thus a 2days after the 30th day.. in his texts he was askin how i was doin and that he saw me somewhere..and like i said i replied acc 2 his question.. and told him i was “distracted” recently so it took me a while to reply. and thing is.. he hasnt replied at all and on whatsapp we all see when a user sees our msgs so.. How do i know what his reactions are? how do i know what his intentions are for not replying me yet? i cant tell if he is upset or what? it just puzzles me that he wont reply when he messaged me twice in the first place. I only texted once but im really worried why he wont reply back.. Hence It took me 4 days to respond due to me being in NC.
    please help. Appreciate ur advices.
    thank youxx

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:19 pm

      Hey Daisy.

      It’s OK he is not replying. It could be he is trying to take revenge or it could be he is applying no contact himself. Regardless of his reasons, wait another week (preferably two) and then contact him again using the texts mentioned in the article.

  • Jennifer April 21, 2014, 3:19 am

    Hi. I have been seeing this guy for about a month now. Within two weeks his ex who had moved across the U.S. was continuously on every status update. When I asked him one time about it, he simply said it was mutual and they were fine with the breakup. One week after I had asked, she was posting winking faces. So, I calmly asked again. The man went on to declare love for this girl he had literally known for two months. I accepted it and agreed to just be friends. Within a few days he immediately began apologizing for days. I told him I’d be fine with friendship but if he expected more, at that point I’d need for ties to be cut with her before I could feel comfortable. He told me he entirely agreed and told me he removed her from his online accounts. We agreed to hang out casually for a day at an Easter egg hunt. He made plans with me for the next day. By 3 pm the next day he never responded to my text. I didn’t send another, I waited until 8 pm when I had still not heard from him and checked online just to see that she was once again putting winking faces all over the photos I had taken from the previous day. When I asked him and explained once again that if he wanted more than friends with me, I could not trust the situation with her deliberately causing problems just because another girl is around. The girl ignores him constantly and calls him names. He is once again asking me to be his friend and is telling me he “isn’t talking to her like that” . I really do like him, so I dunno what to do. Should I tell him I’m okay with being friends to end it peacefully then begin the no contact, or begin now? Or is the situation just something to forget about entirely?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:18 pm

      I think he is confused and if you can walk away, you should. You have not invested much time in him and I don’t think it’s worth it to invest more time in him.

  • Ariana April 21, 2014, 3:11 am

    Hey, well me and my ex got out a relationship around 2 weeks ago. It was a mutual break up, where he suggested it, and I confirmed it, because he was just a mess, and I couldn’t handle anymore pain. We agreed to stay friends, in which we basically talked everyday.. Like out of 14 days, we talk for 12. He somewhat talks about our pass, like how I kiss, and then on Facebook he liked a picture of how to kiss quote thing. I can’t do the no contact rule, because the more I talk to him the more I try to get over him. I don’t know what to do… It’s like I want him back, but I don’t because he’s somewhat a bad influence on me. But is there anyway I can make him miss me, and want me back, but not stop talking to him? We talk online a lot… But in person, we haven’t see each other since… What do I do?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:16 pm

      You can’t make him miss you if you are always available for him to talk to.

  • Daneil Sheeran April 21, 2014, 3:06 am

    Hey Kevin,
    We are just 18.Its been 2 days since my breakup, i tried to clear the misunderstanding that i wasnt insecure about our relationship and i was just worried about you after that fight we had ,,then pleaded a bit(im sorry im only human i made a mistake, please give me another chance ) then said that take ur time to think about it , ill keep waiting,and after that I’m doing no contact thing. our relationship was 3 months but a very good one and we were taking it seriously as well, i was insecure at the beginning as she made her moves on me(giving me the cold shoulders even in stupid arguments but she made up later and told me that she appreciated about the last gift or message i sent before the argument)but i started to show confidence and trust later on and didnt begged for her forgiveness till the fight, when she was breaking up i did tried to fight back so i didnt became a doormat. Well, is there anything I have to say before giving no contact now? and im actually happy and living even though shes not around, but just thinking would be a lot better to get her back.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:15 pm

      No, don’t say anything. Just start. If she calls, tell her you need space and time.

  • P-cool April 21, 2014, 1:41 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I was in a 2 years long distance relationship with a gal and distance has never been our issue and we stayed in touch everyday and talking like other couples pretty much about everything and she was supposed to come to me after completing her law but then she was having hard time on getting passport and at the same time she was stressing out about her career and family pressure for not focusing on career. It was too much of stress for her to deal and after taking one week off from me she texted me saying that she couldn’t deal with anymore and lost feelings for me and cant come to me and broke up. I didn’t even know it’s coming because she was all normal beside stress for her career. We decided to continue talking as friends but i still love her and want her back but talking to her making things worst because she is always busy and dont have time to message or call and it’s me who initiates to maintain contact. I have done 1 week of NC with her but then ended up calling her because i was missing her badly and she was irritated about me calling her over and over again on that day so first she told me that we should keep it this way only it will help both of us in moving on but then asked me to call her back later and then she was all normal and said we will still talk. Please advise what should i do with my situation because sometimes she gets irritated and say stuff to hurt me.

    Please help :-(

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:14 pm

      Tell her you need space and time and start no contact again. This time finish no contact and follow the advice.

  • David April 21, 2014, 1:40 am

    Hi kevin, my wife and I are, according to her “not together anymore”. She’s given me plenty of second chances and I’ve screwed up a different way every time. We are still living together and have 3 children. She told me she’s talking to other guys as “friends” nothing serious right now and doesn’t want to get back together because she’s psychologicaly ruined her. She also told me she’s planning on moving out, but isn’t sure yet. would you or anyone recommend doing these 5 steps even though we are still technically married and live together?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:09 pm

      If according to her you are not together anymore. Then yes, you should. But instead of no contact, use limited contact. Only talk to her when she talks to you. Be cordial but don’t talk about anything personal. If it’s possible, tell her you think you both could use some space and time right now and move out for a month or two.

  • Amy April 20, 2014, 11:51 pm

    So, I’ve been with my ex for 2 years, he broke up with me on monday. You can probably guess how broken I was. He said it wasn’t working and we were arguing too much. He had just been living at mine for 3 months due to family issues. So we basically we were together 24/7. We never had space, never had alone time with our friends and there was alot of stress on our relatioship. But everytime i kissed him goodnight, i told him i love you and i meant it.
    I’ve been annoying him with my constant texts, messages and calls. I’ve pushed him away even more by stalking him on instagram and texting him out of jealously whenever I saw he liked a girls picture or they commented on his pictures. He has been ignoring me for a while, always out with his friends and takes hours to text back. But I saw him on Thursday and we spoke for a bit, he hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me. Today at half 12 he texted me saying he has a new girlfriend.
    Now I’m really fucked. He told me he’s been with her since Thursday. I’m going to give him some space now. I don’t know how to. Is there any chance? But i don’t know if this is a rebound? I don’t know if giving him space means losing him.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:05 pm

      Giving him space doesn’t mean losing him and it’s most probably a rebound. You should follow the plan.

  • Gina April 20, 2014, 10:35 pm

    Dear Kev,
    Just as you told me I waited another 3 days ( you told me to wait 5 tho :( and the NC was for 27 days). I replied him and he replied immediately saying he wants to talk and he called me . I said hello and he was repeating that hello couple of times in a cheeky way I ignored and said good morning. He asked about the amount he owes me and I said i cant remember now, will check it and let u know, and I said bye and hung up on him. He msged me on whatsapp asking my bank details. After 20 mins I sent him the amounts with a line of what they are for . when I said anything else ? he said yes and he was asking whether he could pay me that every month. He also said he is sorry for what he did ! He said he was in my town last Wednesday ( he texted me saying he wants to call ) and he stopped at our favorite restaurant for lunch and that he remembered me so much.I said I went to a place we used to hang out and I remembered him too ! then he said he wanted to see me so badly cz he missed me . But since I didnt reply he has lost hope.He said I know its not nice but I wanted to see u and he asked me whether im good. I said im doing great . He said he started practicing as a doctor and when I asked how he is he said Im ok , surviving ( I dont know he jumped in to a relationship soon after our break up ) .Then he said we should stop this weird convo and I said its not so weird after all. He asked wt I m doing and I said two interviews coming up and that im busy with an exam. He asked me to give his regards to my dad since he cant face him. And he said he gotta go and he said stay blessed , take good care and all that. I wished him the same. OMG I feel so good to hear from him but Kev i have no clue what happened to his new girl. He wanted me to tell the decision about paying that money in installments and I said sure!
    What should be my next steps? should I wait until he chases me for my decision? or shall I ignore him to show that Im not needy !
    Bdw Kev ur articles are so helpful. I really didnt sound too nice or rude. Followed your methods about texting too. :D They worked. So happy right now but I dont want to get my hopes up anyways. Tell me what to do. Hugs !

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:03 pm

      Let him initiate contact with you. If he doesn’t contact you in the next two weeks, then you should do it using one of the texts in the article. All the best.

      • Gina April 23, 2014, 2:57 pm

        Thank you kevin -the star! :D :D hugs!

  • Leandro April 20, 2014, 10:11 pm

    Hi Kevin, today completed seven days of no contact and my ex-girlfriend sent a today a short text message saying only “Haapy Easter”, but I did not answer.

    But I’m desperate to have her back, what’s making me doubt is, she’s trying to put me in friendzone, or she’s missing me and trying re-approach me again? She’s just testing me? How can I know? Keep going with no contact?

    Thanks

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:46 am

      Hey Leanardo,

      I think it was just a simple text and there was no hidden meaning behind it. It would have been fine even if you replied to her. But regardless, you should continue with the plan right now.

  • Jaici April 20, 2014, 10:11 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    So kind of a long story but I am excited and I needed to share with someone. I waited about a week and I texted my ex saying I had a dream about him, which sparked a conversation. I told him about it (it was a funny dream) and he called me and we laughed and talked for two hours. He told me he got some girls number and she reminded him of me and that he found the “Toronto version” of me. Apparently she is 24 and a teacher. He is 19. I gave him my opinion (he asked) which was that if I was 24, I would not date that much younger but that is just me. He said she is older so he would have to change and be more mature for her because she wouldn’t put up with as much stuff as I did. Basically, I feel like even if something did bloom there, it wouldn’t last long because 1. she is not me, he is looking for me in someone else and there really is no other me and 2. he can only pretend not to be himself for so long. I said something like good luck i don’t know why you want this girl so much and he said I just miss you a lot. I told him I thought boys were stupid and he laughed and asked why and I said do you love me? do you want to be with me? do you miss me? he answered yes to all three questions and I said well I am right here ! I said it made me sad that he gave up because if he had just waited a bit longer things would have changed. He made it clear that he was tired of traveling to see me every two weeks and that’s why we ended, and I said if he had just waited then I would have had the money to visit him, but oh well he made his choice. I feel like I gave him a lot to think about. We didn’t talk for a day but I texted him this morning saying Happy Easter today and we texted all day. I could tell it was only because I was keeping the conversation going, but we talked about more old times. After I put “lol” he didn’t answer me back. I don’t really see the problem here like, I told him he wouldn’t have to travel anymore and that was his issue, I wouldn’t mind going to visit him he came to me for a year so it could be my turn, and obviously we still want to be together so why isn’t he make any moves? I want to ask him why he is going to go for the half assed version of me when he can have the version he really wants like I don’t know what he is thinking and I don’t really know where to go from here? Thanks Kevin

    • Jaici April 21, 2014, 5:45 pm

      Also, I feel like the only time we talk is when I initiate the conversation, otherwise there won’t be one. How do I make him chase me ? I post stuff on Facebook all the time and I know he see it. I feel like we could go for 2 weeks without talking if I don’t say something.

      • Kevin April 23, 2014, 1:46 pm

        Then go two weeks without talking. That’s the best way to make him chase you.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:45 am

      Give him some time to think everything through. I’ll say about two weeks. Then get back in touch with him. It’s quite possible that he will pursue the relationship with that other girl before getting back with you. He is young and probably wants to explore a little bit as well. If he does get in a relationship with her, let him have his rebound. Don’t act needy about it at all.

  • sandy April 20, 2014, 8:16 pm

    hey kevin i hav commented you but you havn’t answered yet please answer please..

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:05 am

      I answered you here Sandy.

  • Chris April 20, 2014, 8:00 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    My boyfriend and I broke up 2 days ago. We were together for a year and seven months. So, I did all of the wrong things in the beginning. After we broke up he was really close to my cousins, so that’s who he talked to while I had no one. I did the wrong thing by calling and texting him nonstop. I went to his apartment and forcefully talked to him in person to try and talk to him. Before the in person conversation he blocked me on all social media, but said he would unblock me when I calmed down. I was wondering my next steps exactly since I feel that I’m already 5 steps behind the start of this. Mostly the problem with the relationship was our constant fights with one another over petty things because we started living together 1 month into the relationship. I also told one of my cousins to tell him that I wanted space with zero contact. Any advice would help I love him very dearly.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:05 am

      Hey,

      I don’t think you are 5 steps behind. A lot of people screw up after breakup and it’s not a big deal. You’ve already started no contact, so continue with the plan.

  • Jason April 20, 2014, 6:51 pm

    Could you go over the 30 day no contact, say you did 50 days? Would that be better or worse to your relationship? And what might be the maximum time of no contact?

    Thanks

    • Jaici April 21, 2014, 7:57 pm

      Hey, I’m not Kevin but I believe that he suggests you take as much time as you need to better yourself, so if that takes 50 days, then take 50 days! Whatever you need to improve yourself.

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:03 am

      Hey Jason,

      It depends on the type of relationship and the type of breakup. You should do no contact till it’s necessary. There is a checklist at the beginning of step 4. If you don’t meet the requirement of ending no contact, then you should extend it. As for the maximum time, again it depends on the relationship. Some people get back together after years of no contact.

  • Cam April 20, 2014, 6:00 pm

    Hey Kevin
    I dated my ex for 4 months and the last month she has been living with me because her family moved overseas (I’m in Australia and her family is in New Zealand). We had a lot of arguments as we are young and it was my first proper relationship and when I look back on it now everything was my fault from always wanting to go out, not sacrificing things for what she wanted to do etc. she told me that she’s seen a side of me that she never expected from me and I feel like an idiot. She is moving back to nz to study and I want her back after she does and there could possibly be another guy in the picture she has known since she was younger
    What should I do
    Cheers

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:00 am

      Follow the advise in the article.

  • Mark April 20, 2014, 3:30 pm

    Dear Kevin,
    I left a comment a couple days back. I would like to know how long to apply the no contact rule for if I have been with her for three years?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 10:51 am

      Hey Mark,

      I didn’t receive your previous comment for some reason. You should apply no contact for at least one month. Use the checklist in the beginning of step 4 to determine when to end it.

  • george April 20, 2014, 2:00 pm

    Our 3 years (almost) true honest pure relationship broke up because I slapped her (I am not that type of person but I was having a hard time that time) . I was trying to put the relationship to end but after getting slapped she expected me to get back for almost 20 days which I avoided. Then I started missing her and contacted her and could know that she was having serious family problem. I felt sorry and became guilty. I would email her and she would reply whenever she could but she was serious that she is not going to keep this relationship. After I slap her, almost 3 months have been passed and her mom died suddenly and I felt more guilty. That time she started acting like crazy , she started saying that she hates me etc etc but I was in a sorry stage. Then after almost 15 days of her moms death I called her and we argued a lot and she said “ok I will continue relationship with you but you have to prove yourself. If you get 90 out of 100 in 2 months in my marking , that means you are a good human being and I will get back to you. I agreed and one day of our 2 month period she told me that she still loves me and thats why she had given me the chance.. I gained much numbers and suddenly I realised that even if I get 90 and get back to the relationship , I will not become happy. I will be more happy if I fail but she accepts me. Then I again started acting differently and ended up getting 75 points. Then we broke up. Before breaking up she said she cant trust me , I am a selfish person. Other than that she also said “please dont contact me for at least 1 month ” (does that mean she wants me to contact after 1 month?) … what can I do ? Almost 10 days have passed and I am leading a happy life now. Sometimes I miss her but I am doing everything i can do to make myself happy. I am gymming, earning money, going out with friends , and showing my happines in facebook (should I continue showing it?) . I still want her because I love her and whave feelings for her. What do you think would be best for me ?

    • Kevin April 23, 2014, 10:49 am

      Hey George,

      You shouldn’t contact her for at least one and half month. If she wants to contact you after one month, she has fifteen days. If she doesn’t and if you still want to get back together, get back in touch with her.

  • Amy April 20, 2014, 12:37 pm

    Hi there,
    Great advice here:-) really like it.
    I have followed your advice for a few week now. He has responded very positive to my texts for the past 2 months, but he hasn’t asked me to meet me yet What do I do?

    • Kevin April 22, 2014, 3:06 pm

      Continue positive texts for another few weeks and then ask him out yourself.

  • Sarah April 20, 2014, 10:13 am

    Hi Kevin,
    Now my situation is a little more complicated, so hope you can help. I was the one that ended it with my ex Gemma in August last year, however we have seen each other a few times after this. I am with someone new and she is also with someone new and there has been bit contact the last few weeks. Even tho I was tho one that ended this, I know realised I want her back, but at the same time I am worried that all the rows, etc we had will happen again, but I/we both know and both said to each other in rebound relationships and still tell each other we love each other, now I want my ex back and have unblocked her from all social medias in hope she will get in touch, should I contact her or wait for her? Please advise, Sarah.

    • Kevin April 22, 2014, 3:03 pm

      If she doesn’t contact you in a month, you should contact her.

  • Joe April 20, 2014, 10:04 am

    Kevin,

    My ex and I dated a little over two years and she just threw the curve ball out that she was unhappy with her life, us, her job, mostly everything and she hasn’t been feeling like herself. Before she “ended” it which was her basically saying she’s clocked out, needs time and space, and needs to work on herself. My stance was I’ll help you through this because were a team, but she needs to do it herself.

    My problem is I wasn’t very attentive to her. I had trouble saying I love you in the beginning of our relationship because I had been hurt a lot and the words lost their meaning to me for awhile there. But I knew I liked her. I said I love you a few times during our two years and three months. She said I was her it, I completed her, that she never felt this way and that she’d wait for me to come around to eventually start showing and showering her with love and saying I love you affection.

    Add to this that I use to have issues with marriage. But I never thought about it with her, and all of sudden it made since me. I wrote a hand written note during our first week of no contact. She said she appreciated it, and knows I’m sincere and that it’s not out of desperation but she basically resents me now for not saying I love you back for so long. SO I don’t want to beat her over the head with it now obviously. She keeps saying “Let it be, and if things bring us back together, they will” or “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be”

    I’m totally besides myself. I’m an idiot for not realizing how much she meant to me in the beginning and I’m filled with regret and resent myself now. We even still have a vacation planned in another month, that I may have to cancel now. Do I give her time and space to find herself and figure it all out, I feel like this was a wake up call and slap in my face to realize holy crap. I may have just lost the only girl i could see myself marrying. Thanks man. I appreciate you reading this.

    • Kevin April 22, 2014, 3:01 pm

      Hey Joe,

      I think you do have a chance. Yes, you should give her space and get back in touch a week or so before the planned vacation.

  • Lindsey April 20, 2014, 8:17 am

    Dear Kevin
    What to do if your ex do not reply to you letter or text message?

    • Kevin April 22, 2014, 2:31 pm

      You wait one week (or two) and then try again. If there is still nothing, you should try moving on.

  • Daphné April 20, 2014, 7:25 am

    Hey kevin, it’s me again. I replied to your comment but you didn’t reply back… anyways something else happened during these days. On wednesday he texted me to have some news about me. I told him how I felt, and he told me that he knows that he made a mistake. He asked me if I wanted to talk in person, so we saw eachother. I asked him what is going on in his head and he said that he doesn’t even know. One time he took my hand and called me babe by accident, we were laughing and stuff… he told me that he had sex with his ex, he wanted to be honnest. He told me that he was feeling good with his ex like he thought he would. He was talking to me like he wanted to get back but take some time…. He told me that we would text eachother. So during the night, no text. The other day we didn’t text either. I was wondering why he didnt text me, because he told me we would… so I texted him the other day wondering why we’re not texting. he didnt respond, but i was that he was on facebook. So during the night I called him, and he said that he didnt take the time to respond. He said that he would text me later. He did, and he told me “ i think you need to forget about me, i just didnt want to hurt you more than you already are…“ So i explained other things and he said Im sorry and I texted him other things about what i’m feeling, I told him that he will do like nothing happened between us , liike we wont be talking to eachother anymore, he responded “i wont do like nothing happened between us?“ and after I texted him other stuff and he never responded…I just want to know why a month ago everything was perfect and now were not even talking to eachother? I know I should try to get over him, but I wish he would want me back.. Do you think with time he could come back…? :(

    • Daphné April 20, 2014, 6:19 pm

      he wasn’t feeling good like he thought he would with his ex*

    • Kevin April 22, 2014, 2:29 pm

      Hey Daphne,

      If you haven’t applied no contact till now, you should do it. Then follow the steps in the plan and send him the letter. If you’ve followed the plan and he still doesn’t want to get back together, then you should try to move on.

  • Rafaela April 20, 2014, 7:18 am

    I broke up with my ex on February this year believing that it would help him realize my importance, but after a month I felt that something isn’t right. I actually investigated on my own and had found out that he is now on a new relationship that shocking part he was cheating on me even we were sill together. We were 4 years and 2 years of that 4 year relationship he’s been seeing lots of women and one women he decided to stay is his co-worker. He has been lying with the girl that I was already his ex-girlfriend that time where in fact we are still together.

    I did some of the mistakes after the break-up because I was so hurt and didn’t realize the effects of it (Consistently texting and calling him, Raging at his house drunk).
    One thing I noticed that he changed my pictures with their pictures together on social medias like (viber, facebook). but He also mentioned that when I was not talking to him for a month he keeps on checking my facebook page.
    Do you think he is in a rebound-relationship?

    Thanks for your attention.

    • Kevin April 22, 2014, 2:27 pm

      Hey,

      I think it’s more than a rebound relationship since he was already with her for a while and he cheated on you. But whether or not it’s a rebound relationship is not the question you should be asking. You should be asking yourself whether or not you want to be in a relationship where your partner cheated on you for 2 years. I’ll highly recommend you start no contact for at least 3 months.

  • Paul April 20, 2014, 7:11 am

    My girlfriend and I got back together about 2 weeks ago. Everything has been great. But last night
    My girlfriend and I went out for drinks, just talking….she asked me what my plans were last night but I was at the gym and told her id call her after So I call her and we went off topic and I ended up going out with the guys to my friend Andres friends house I forgot her name And I told her that yeah I had a guys night went to Andres friends house and she got all mad.Because it was some random girls house and I should of told her yesterday..and she said I’m gonna go out to random guys houses and you’ll be fine with thatAnd she said this just now Have a good night & a great Easter & do NOT come for dessert tomorrow I gave her that promise ring and she just said when you’re ready to be a man you can give it back….we can date and i will go out to random guys house and enjoy time with friends.This girl used to work with my friend andre at the movies and all the girls there really bother Kait(Andres girlfriend) so she was mad that these girls are so in appropriate to andre so risa is like you hung out with all of them. So now she doesn’t think I can change. And said our trust is broken and can never be repaired. What do I say? I know I haven’t followed the plan, but can you help me out?

    • Kevin April 22, 2014, 2:24 pm

      Hey Paul,

      I think if you give her some time, she will get over it. Give it a couple of days and then contact her again. If she is still not willing to talk it out, start no contact for a couple of weeks.

  • George April 20, 2014, 6:34 am

    Hey Kevin,

    My girlfriend had just recently broken up with me after 10 months of our relationship. We were okay for 8 months and certain things happened along the way which slowly diminished the flame in our relationship. One day, I was very emotionally distraught and asked her if she was actually the right girl for me. It was dumb on my part but she restored our relationship at the price of her feelings. Slowly, we grew apart and we had broken up very recently. I realize I had made a mistake and want her back.

    I had read your guide thoroughly, and it’s awesome. I plan on following through with it. The only problem is that she is my best friend and she still texts me. How do I follow through with this plan?

    • Kevin April 22, 2014, 1:52 pm

      Hey George,

      Just tell her you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you will get back in touch with her after a while.

  • rosie April 19, 2014, 9:16 pm

    hi – I am recently divorced. I started dating a man a few years older. Everything went well but we stopped communicating (possibly due to individual stresses). I accidentally contacted him via text after 6 months no contact ( I had deleted him from my phone but it seems his number came up when I was messaging a friend with a similar name). Unexpectedly, he responded to the text. I made a tentative arrangement with him to come over in the future and he said he was looking forward to it. What are your thoughts about this? Im confused?

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 5:04 am

      I think it’s a good sign and you should meet him. However, take things slow and make sure don’t show any signs of neediness.

  • maliha April 19, 2014, 7:10 pm

    Hey kevin..me and my ex were having problems for quite a month and the reason was he thinks I didn’t give him space. So yesterday morning he sent me this huge ass msg saying he wants to break up ’cause he thinks I cheated on him which I did not! I don’t know any way to prove him. I just want him back! What do I do?? :’(

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 4:47 am

      Apply no contact. I think the reason he gave you was complete BS. Let him get back in touch with you. If he doesn’t and you still want him back after at least 2 months of no contact, then get back in touch with him.

  • Dave April 19, 2014, 5:24 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I was just got out of a 2 month relationship that was strong and solid for the first month, but unsteady thoroughly the second. My ex told me she love me (when we were in the “peak”) and them I got a little clingy and we took a break. After the break, she was happy to be with me and I was watching how much I texted her each day. I minimized as much as I could. Then she kind of shut me out, and I couldn’t get much of a conversation out of her. Just the other day she told me she doesn’t really like me anymore, so we broke up. She has a lot of guys who already like her, so she doesn’t have to worry about finding a guy. I still love her, but want to slowly draw her in. How can I pull her back to me like we once were? (She has my sweatshirt and I know her address + I just got my drivers license). I am a junior and she is a sophomore in hs.
    P.s.- she said I was a “safe” guy and thought a safe guy is what she needed. Please help me!
    Thanks!

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 4:42 am

      Hey Dave,

      You were needy so it pushed her away. Almost all the relationships are strong and solid in the first month. It’s called the honeymoon phase. Whether or not you are truly compatible is only realized in the later stages of relationships. My advise is to keep no contact for 3 months before getting back in touch with her. I also think you should date other girls during the no contact period.

      • Dave April 20, 2014, 11:37 am

        Hi Kevin,
        I think I will give it a try! Sorry for taking more of your time, but should I talk to her friends so I am “up to date” on her thoughts? One of her friends already told me I should ask for my sweatshirt back, drive to her house and use that excuse to get to talk to her… I am now contemplating just leaving her for the 3 months, since I’m sure I can find someone else for the time before I contact her again. Thanks for all the advice and help! It really has boosted my confidence!

        • gg April 20, 2014, 2:29 pm

          sorry for trying to give my opinion,
          dont use that excuse to talk to her,
          it looks needy, and she will know it u pick that sweatshirt in order to talk to her.

          just leave it.

          • Dave April 20, 2014, 8:50 pm

            Here’s one more thing you ( anyone reading this) should know. She likes to I to parties, get drunk and get with other guys. She doesn’t go the full extent of “hookup” since she is at least smart enough not to, but I’m worried she will make a mistake and or meet that “dream” guy. How can I maneuver this? Will the 3 months make her forget me? The thing about her is once she has her mind made up, it’s hard to change it. How can I penetrate this shell that she is creating, and get to her heart again where I can win her over once again.

          • Kevin April 23, 2014, 11:07 am

            The only way to penetrate this shell is to approach it from the friends angle. Don’t tell her you want to get back together. Just hang out with her and have a good time. Let it be her idea to get back together. It’s mentioned in the article.

        • Kevin April 22, 2014, 3:05 pm

          No you should not stay up to date on her. It defeats the purpose of no contact and if your ex finds out that you’ve been keeping tabs on her, she is going to put you in the “Stalky creep” category.

          • Dave April 22, 2014, 3:26 pm

            Hi Kevin!
            Thanks or the tips! I am just dropping the whole thing until August/Septemeber. Should I delete her from all my social networking pages?

  • Photolic April 19, 2014, 3:52 pm

    I had a 4 years relationship with my girlfriend I ‘m 28 years old and she 24.

    We were madly in love during a year and super affectionate, friends, pranksters and accomplices during the remaining.

    Were seen by all as the wonder couple because our complicity and how we touched and we gave affection to each other, the way we played achieved enjoying with our own relationship.

    Two weeks ago I sent a sms after a cold conversation she had with me, we never had a single discussion in 4 years.

    I told her for the first time I had felt that he could lose witch other. To which she replied, “that broke my heart to hear that from you, these are phases that all couples go, we ‘ll get through this, and we will get stronger.”

    After two days of receiving this sms she broke up with me saying she needed a break, both cried that day and even while we were talking , we were kissing and hugging, to support one another . She told me that she felt suffocated by me, got stressed with college exams and did not like living with his father, was feeling bad.
    And told me she no longer felt about me the same as it was in the beginning and the fact that I was unemployed one year and a half , not helped because she saw me as a person aimlessly , and told me that she tried to cheer me up and help me to start working and moving , and only saw me through without motivation. ( I myself was not a good phase) , I was jealous of her university and her friends , I think I have done that because I felt alone and I was depending on her to be happy.

    I took a week without sending any message to her phone, do not exchange any contact. This last week we do not speak, I arranged to meet her at her house to clear things up.

    She told me that she I was fine alone, and had little time to think, was down to the beach to walk alone and realize that for a long time she did not feel so good, she like the sensation to be free again, seems lighter. Hear what she had to tell me without crying and I had a good posture , I told her that I realized my mistakes and had probably lost the woman of my life for my stupidity. She cried and still had to be me to give her a lap and hugs to console her.
    I told her that the break up was good to me also, because I wake up to life and get me moving and treat myself. (Actually was pretending to be strong but was dying inside).

    It was strange to her, she was disturbed to see me talking like that, another weird thing is that she heard from me that some of my friends (girls) already knew that we broke up, and seemed to have been jealous somehow.
    During our conversation i received 2 text messages on my cell phone and she replied something like this “look your friends trying to call you already”. (that somehow got me some hope to have my ex back).

    In the end we both decided that because our relationship was so strong and we never had mistreated or betrayed one another could not be like best friends and see each other all the time because that would not work.
    When I leave that day after the conversation ends, we hug wich other very tight and she gave me a kiss in the neck.

    I thought I was relieved at this end, but in reality spent last eight days after we talked without thinking about her, I think all the time how to get my ex back and this is killing me. I am suffering, all my friends tell me to stop thinking about her, because it was she who ended it, she never called me again, removed the photos witch had with me on facebook and seems to have done everything to forget about me. I think she should be happy and I ‘ve been crying the corners all the time, worst she is posting photos (just 2 new photos to be honest) but in that pictures I see that she is moving on, she is smiling and with good mode. Looking at that just broke my heart.

    Just passed 16 days after the break up till now I don’t have any contact.

    As I’m not working yet is worse because I have too much free time.
    Someone help me please I love this girl more than anything.

    (sorry my for English not my native language )

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 4:40 am

      Hey,

      Continue no contact for another 14 days and try to find a job as soon as possible. I think you need to get your life on track before getting back in touch with her if you want to increase your chances of reconciliation.

      • Photolic April 20, 2014, 8:27 am

        Hey Kevin she just send me a text message saying that she want to wish me a good Easter and my family. something like this.

        “Good morning! Just to warn you that now texted to your phone from your father. A kiss for you and the whole family. good Easter”

        I want to fight for her its the woman of my life.

        I did reply in the same tone. Do you think after i get my life on the right road i have any chance with her? 4 year relationship is hard to forget. I want to fight for her but like you say in your

        • Kevin April 22, 2014, 2:32 pm

          Yes, you do have a pretty good chance. I wish you the best.

  • Jay April 19, 2014, 2:42 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Can you please outline these points for me? My ex called me yesterday and we had a chat, She said the following that didn’t really make too much sense?

    I asked if she had been thinking about the situation, She said no, She’s been too busy to think about it.

    She keeps saying that shes going to dinner, movies concerts with friends but never tells me names of our friends etc..Is she just trying to make me think, make me jealous?

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 4:27 am

      Perhaps she has been busy or perhaps she has been keeping herself busy to avoid thinking about you. As for the friends, it could be that she is trying to make you jealous. No one an say for sure. It’s best to concentrate on what you should do instead of what your ex has been doing.

  • John April 19, 2014, 2:02 pm

    Hey, so my girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. She said she was uncertain about the future. At time she said she still loves me, but other times she does not see if having a future. So she said this is something she has to do. She has been stressed about school and what to do with her life when school is over, she does not handle stress too well. She sent a message to me 4 weeks ago when she found out that I wanted to get a hold of her saying that she needed more time and we can talk when school is over. Our relationship was for the most part fine, our only fight was about who goes over to whose house because there is a bit of difference. This is one the persisted throughout the relationship though. Since then I have not contacted her. Apparently she has focused completely on school (whereas she used to procrastinate). She recently sent me a message saying her facebook had been deleted and she did not want me to think that I blocked her. We are still supposed to meet up when school is done next week. I have grown in the past few weeks and am ready to show her that our previous issues will not be present anymore. Any advice?

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 4:26 am

      Don’t tell her that you have grown and that you want to show her previous issues will not be present anymore. Don’t talk about getting back together. Just take things slowly and let her realize it on her own.

  • brad April 19, 2014, 10:14 am

    Me & my ex have broke up many times. We first got together when she was going through a divorce. There was a lot of hurt done to me because she kept going back to him to fix it and then back to me over and over. Finally after a few years, she was divorced and mine.

    But the breakups didn’t stop. We would get in a fight over something stupid and she would always break up with me. Months would go by and then she would eventually come back with I LOVE YOU and determined to make it work.

    Unfortunately jealousy came back into our relationship. I slept with a girl from work during one of our many breakups. This really bothered my girlfriend even though she eventually got over it and came back after a few months. This girl from work is much younger than me and would constantly try to stay in contact with me. Unfortunately I didn’t do the right thing and I didn’t cut off all communication.

    On a vacation trip to Las Vegas in Feb, my ex went through my phone and read the conversations. I was flirty ….I did not totally cheat but I was still carrying on a texting relationship with the co worker. My ex lost it completely and dumped me. Our communication has been very minor since. At first I wasn’t bothered at all because we always break up and get back together. I thought she would get over it.

    I recently found out from a friend that she is dating a recently divorced guy. My heart sank…She tried dating before and it didn’t bother me but for some reason this time it hit home. She may finally be over me….our other breakups I could explain but this time she is convinced that I am a liar and a cheater…which I was…..its been over 2 months….is she finally gone for good?

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 4:09 am

      Hey Brad,

      I think it’s too soon to say if she is gone for good. However, I will highly recommend that instead of pursuing her and getting back into this rollercoaster relationship, you start no contact and try to move on.

  • Wyatt April 19, 2014, 8:38 am

    Hello. I’m starting my no contact period today and the reason why we broke up was that i found out she was cheating. With the guy for over a year. Then again she’s young an I’m 4years older an she said her mom sorta forced her to move on. We been together for almost 4 years and she always texted me saying she loved me. She said she was with the guy to have her mom get off her back about me. Then i found out an a couple of day’s ago she was texting my sister an my sister made it sound like I was with her friend but she didn’t mean it like that then she told my sister that I’m single. But she didn’t tell my sister to tell me… but I’m guessing 5mins after that she texted me an we sent a few texts an she fell asleep. Soo idk how or what to think about this whole situation.

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 3:57 am

      You should apply no contact for at least 3 months Wyatt. I know you might feel like you love her, but it will be very hard to build trust again. Her excuse for cheating on you is total BS in my opinion. And even if it’s true, it’s still doesn’t make anything right. I am guessing you are both young so you should try to move on and find someone faithful instead of trying to get her back.

  • Mike April 19, 2014, 6:58 am

    I am 40, have been seeing a girl (same age) for 4 months. We were very close, shared a lot, no arguments. Then out of the blue she broke it off after becoming distant because she thought I was putting too much pressure. She said she loved me but did not want to hurt me in case the relationship failed. I sent s number of texts -non begging over a 10 day period. Sent her an email saying I was disappointed she would not respond and let me know she was ok. She responded immediately but Have now instigated no contact – is this correct and how long should I leave it for.

    • Kevin April 20, 2014, 3:44 am

      Yes, it’s correct. You should do no contact for 30 days.

  • Christopher April 19, 2014, 4:34 am

    hey Kevin. great page you have there!!

    i have followed your tips
    have been over with my ex for 2 months soon.

    well. the reason for the brake up was that we was looking on a house togheter, and i pulled out becuse i need to think, she have 3 kids so its not easy to move in with soneone have 3 kids, but anyway that destroyed evryting, when i was needed time and space to think, all was destroyed, so she could not trust me,, so she broke up, i used 2 weeks to figure out what i really want, i travel up to her with letter and flowers and told her what i want.

    that dont helped so much she was cold against me, it was looklike she was setting up a big wall of defence,, she told me that i have to take the driverlisence (i dont have taken taht yet, im 25) she needed to see that i can do things for my self. and acting like an adult man,(sight) we could not be togheter before i have something to show her that i really doing it.

    so she deletet me of facebook, that was ok becuse i was writing to her tooo much and that was stupid of me..

    so i followes your step , make my facebook look fresher, so i did that with new profile picture and cover picture, and i added picutre of me with some friends to, The day after she blokcked me out, you know what is going trough her head?
    i need help with my last step, i have plans to travel to her when the no contact period is over, it means in june, then it have goes 3 months last time we talked togheter.

    ty for help Keven

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:41 am

      It’s OK she blocked you. It just means looking at your facebook makes her miss you and she is trying to avoid those feelings. Don’t worry about that. Continue with the plan.

  • GM April 18, 2014, 11:39 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I had a 2-month relationship with a friend of 3 years. It all happened too fast and too intense and we ended up separating after a fight. It took me 2 weeks to steady my emotions and accept the break-up without resentment. After that we were able to become friends again, exchanging messages and calls daily… hanging out every week almost. We have always enjoyed each other’s company as we are into the same stuffs and most of our circles of friends overlap. However, it seems he is starting to fall for me again. When I made peace with myself after the break-up, I have decided to love him unconditionally: to give him freedom to grow and be there for him without worrying about him loving me in return. I am not sure about getting back with him because I don’t know how we can avoid re-living the previous relationship. We are not able to discuss it yet. Is this unhealthy? How do I know when is the appropriate time to talk about it or get back with him?

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:32 am

      I think it’s unhealthy if it’s stopping you from pursuing another relationship. I think you should discuss this with him. I guess the right time to talk about it will be whenever you feel you’re ready. If you’re unsure, you should take a break and ask him for some space and time.

      • GM April 21, 2014, 10:22 pm

        Thank you Kevin. I think I really should take a break.

  • Jay April 18, 2014, 10:28 pm

    Hi Kevin
    Have to say all this has helped me out so much!!. Thank you. Just have one question. So after 2 weeks no contact me an my ex reconnected. She was complimenting me, and texting me and so on. We met up and had the best time over dinner. We kissed at hers then I left. Texting me she told me she had a great time and enjoyed the kiss that it felt new..I assume that’s good. So we seen each other again next day and kissed again. I havnt been doing my old needy ways of asking her back I’m just letting it flow. This was all last week. I’m seeing her tomorrow again. Just wondering what’s the best course of action for me. Do I still just let it flow and continue seeing her? And what do you make of the situation. Again thanks for this
    Regards
    Jay

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:27 am

      Let it flow. At least for 2-3 weeks. If she doesn’t bring up the topic of getting back together till then, you should bring it up.

  • Gina April 18, 2014, 9:49 pm

    Dear Kev,

    I m on NC for 25 days now. I told you I received a text saying he wants to call me about the money he owes and I ignored it . He has unblocked me on whatsapp recently and he has set a very cute pic there ( I was actually drooling over :p ) . Yesterday, I changed a new pic of me ( many friends told me that I look nice in it :D ) . I have received chat msges last night and he has told ” Gina, You look great ! :) I want to call you about that money , juz one single time , I wont bother you again ! “. I ignored him once more, what should I say to him now? I’m so confused now. About three weeks ago he threatened to block me from everywhere ! OMG kev , your advice does wonders! Please tell me how to take this from here on wards! Shall I carry on to ignore him or shall I simply give him a chance to talk ! When we were going out,he used to make me suffer by not answering my calls. I really don’t want to give anything easily to him. I miss him like crazy but I want to show him that I can stand on my feet too. :) You have been great through out and I want you to guide me through this now. Thanks a bunch Kev! You are the best!
    hugs,
    Gina

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:26 am

      Continue no contact for another 5 days and then reply. If he is cold and only talks about the money, then start no contact again for two more weeks. If he is warm, then continue contact with him and let him chase you for a while.

  • Anna April 18, 2014, 9:35 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My boyfriend of over 5 years just broke up with me through voice mail about a week ago. He said he wants to be friends and we’ve been hanging out. When we hang he still treats me the same way he did when we were together, but when I ask him if we’re back together he says he just doesn’t want the commitment right now. I’m really confused because I still want to be with him and he keeps sending me mixed signals, so I’m a mess. What should I do to ensure that we’re going to get back together? Thanks in advance!

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:23 am

      You should apply no contact and follow the plan.

  • Elixia April 18, 2014, 8:39 pm

    Hi Kevin ,
    here is my condition, my ex and i are 18 , we dated for 1 month plus (we had separate in between during that period) cause he though it was intentional love but after that he is clear that he love me. Unfortunately, he told me he cant love anyone anymore, added he doesnt deserve to love anyone and doesnt suit to be in relationship, he asked for break up like a week ago , he broke up with his in-game gf too, of course i m the real life gf. Later on ,after that i just kept asking why he cant commit in relationship and asked why we cant get back together, he said it is because during that time his friends,a couple was also getting into an argument, and he is so frustrated toward love plus i m the one who always pressure him to talk in fb .I just dont understand why he could ever let go of it , and when i asked him did he love me, he answered he did loved me , but he cant love anyone anymore, he doesnt deserve that. I just cant accept it , i still love and miss him so much, can you tell me what to do ?

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:23 am

      You should follow the advise in the article above.

  • sandy April 18, 2014, 8:01 pm

    hi kevin
    i and my ex is 21 year old.i had 3 year of relationship.it was going nice but from last 6-7 month we had a little misunderstanding.due to my anger i scolded her many times.but last time i made a hudge mistake,due to a lot of anger i scolded her a lot with many harse words about her parents,i also use some slang out of anger.It really hurts her.Now 4 days ago she said she can’t continue relation with me,because she was emotionally hurt and was broken from heart.She also said she lost all fellings love and hopes for my love and our relation.I am trying to convince her for past 4-5 days.Every day she is replying the same thing and requesting me to go away from her life and not to contact even once.Even though i am calling and messaging to convince her, but she is niether taking my calls nor reply my messages.She is very sentimental and loves her parents a lot.But due to my mistake she left every hope of our relationship. I don’t understand what to do?please say what should i do now…

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:22 am

      You should follow the plan Sandy.

  • Jim April 18, 2014, 7:12 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I was together with my ex for almost 4 years. The downhill started when my ex went to this exhange student program and went to another country. After over 1,5 months we had an argue and we didn’t talk for days after that. It was the longest time we haven’t been talking at all… After that when I contacted her and we sorted things out, she said that she doesn’t love me in the same way anymore. She has had these feelings longer but she didn’t tell me about them at all which is very wrong towards me. She will be there for 5 months and now 4 months has already passed but we broke up yesterday when she came for a visit in my country. I tried to make the day very special when we met. We had fun moments and everything but at the end of the day I asked how is she feeling about me and she answered that she thinks that I am more likely just a friend for her………. I was just totally devastated. We broke up, but later she said that we can never know what the future will be and later added that she has feelings for me. We haven’t been talking for few days after I went to her house and thanked her parents and for everything they did for me. Both of her parents cried and said I was like a family member to them.

    I have been a pretty negative and insecure person because of my difficulties in life in the past 2 years. She fell in love with my because I was so positive and happy all the time. I have tried to change myself to better direction and I am slowly succeeding in that. But I guess it came too late…

    This whole thing depresses me a lot. My studies have gone not so well either. We are both over 20 and study accounting and finance. I love my ex girlfriend. We shared so great memories together. Now I know what were the mistakes I made, every one of them. It just makes me miserable when I think that I could have changed everything if I would have been thinking our relationship more. Of course I am not the only one to blame. My ex girlfriend should have talked more about her feelings and not piling them inside of her.

    I really want my ex girlfriend back. What are the chances? Is it even possible? I have been reading a lot of stuff and every site says different things, just makes me confused… I am sure she still loves me. I had plans for the future with her and I saw her more than just a girlfriend.

    I just can’t sleep because of this. I really miss her and want her back in my life. I want to fix things with her.

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:22 am

      Yes, it’s possible and you have a pretty good chance. I’ll recommend you follow the plan.

  • Leandro April 18, 2014, 6:24 pm

    Hi Kevin, today I went to see the status of my ex-girlfriend of whatsapp and she’s provoking me, with a letter of a music about betrayal, but I never betray her, and she knows that and I think she never betrayed me.

    I am really confused, that’s means she still likes me or she betrayed me? We don’t talk five days ago and she broke with me 10 days ago. I don’t want to talk her, why I am in no contact period, but I’m very curious and confused.

    Thanks.

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 6:00 am

      Don’t obsess over it. The only reason she put it is to get a reaction out of you. Don’t give it to her.

  • Rd April 18, 2014, 3:50 pm

    I think i have to mention that my bf’s parents are separated.He lives with his mother who is alone (Dating guys all the time but not in a relationship) but his dad is in a relationship with another woman.He had noone to talk about his problems,only me. I was always there to listen to his problems, he had a lot of difficult moments, hard paths , a lot of difficulties but i was always there,by his side and we got through everything togetheter. Now he is completely alone.. he doesn’t open to his friends, he was only saying his problems to me.

  • RD April 18, 2014, 3:43 pm

    I forgot to mention that his brother is 20.His brother aksed his gf of 4 years to break up because he wanted to have sex with other girls too. I don’t know if he put some ideas in my bf’s head or anything. BUT they are very different, my bf is much more serious person. I don’t know if he told him things like, leave her she is too young, what are you doing with a young girl like this. I don’t know, these are just thoughts. But i saw his fb likes in his other brother’s fb,who is 23 with his gf. Does he remember me when he watches their happy couple photos? Does he miss me? Will he regret?

  • RD April 18, 2014, 3:36 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    First i want to tell you a big thank you for this amazing thing you are doing,freely!I need your help,since i am lost and i don’t know what to do.My story is a bit long so i apologize for that.

    I have been in a relationship for 1 year and 4 months.Now i am 16 years old and my,well,ex boyfriend is in his early 19.We got together when i was 15 and he was 18.He was a senior in my high school and i was a freshman.Anyways,we took our time to meet and our story was very romantic.During the first year,our relationship was amazing.Then he went in the military and he started changing,a lot.So,our problems began and we were arguing for small things.

    He was very jealous of my friends,because he was ditching his,and he expected me to do the same.Most of my friends are guys,and he was very jealous over very small things,but i eliminated all the facebook comments and likes just for him and us to be ok and not fight so much.He was coming to my home but i didn’t go to his very often because my father wasn’t ok with it (i felt a bit uncomfortable in his house).We didn’t have sex,i wasn’t ready and he said that he wanted to wait because this is something that he wants to do only with me.He never had sex either.So,he told me sometimes while arguing that he wanted to break up,but he said that because he was angry,not because he meant it.So the next day or after some hours he would apologize,i would play mad for some time and then forgive him and get back together because the things we argued were silly.Anyway,his birthday were in March 31.

    He told me the day before that he wanted us to have dinner in a Chinese restaurant and i said okay.That day,i called him and asked if we would meet,and he said yes but didn’t know where.I told him to decide and tell me but he told me to pick a place.I told him it’s your birthday,you are the one who has to pick up the place,not me.Then he started yelling at me for no reason,so i got mad and closed the phone.Then i called him again, calmly and he told me that his mother is going to cook dinner for his birthday and he asked me to go to his house.I told him that it is too serious for me to come to his house(which was a very stupid thing to say and i regretted it) and i told him to meet after his dinner.He said yes,and i told him lets meet in a cafeteria close to my house,because my dad was tired to drive me further (he doesn’t let my boyfriend to come and pick me) and my boyfriend got mad because he said that we will not be doing all the time what i want!(it isn’t true,i really don’t do what i want all the time).I told him happy birthday and closed the phone.He didn’t call me the entire day and we didn’t meet at his birthday,which made me very sad..After three days,he would go on a trip for a week to his brother who is studying abroad.

    He didn’t call me or look for me during those 3 days,i didn’t call him either because i was thinking that it was all his fault.(I have to mention that my bf has an economic problem,i never asked for expensive gifts,only for love and attention.Most of the times when we were going out,i was paying but i didn’t have a problem with that.He was feeling a bit uncomfortable but i was always telling him that it was okay and that i understand)So,he went on his trip,on Saturday the 5 of April,i saw that he removed from fb that we are in a relationship,so i chatted him and asked him if we are broken up.He said yes,he told me that he didn’t want to be a second choice for me and that i always put my friends first and that we didn’t meet on his birthday,basically,he told me the reasons for our breaking up.I was trying to justify myself but in the end,we said goodbye through fb.

    After two days,he removed our photos from fb and he put that he is in an open relationship.I couldn’t believe my eyes,maybe he did that because he was mad and wanted to get me jealous i don’t know.All those days i was crying and feeling depressed,couldn’t eat,couldn’t sleep,i thought it was all a bad dream.Then i saw a photo from a club,it was his brother with a girl from his uni,his cousin with another girl,and my bf was in the middle of his brother and cousin.I decided to click on the profile of that girl and i saw that she had a profile picture with my boyfriend!!I got so mad and jealous because his open relationship status,and then her profile,seemed like they were together! (I have to mention that my boyfriend have never had a relationship before me,he said he couldn’t find a girl that suits him,until he found me.He doesn’t do relationships easily).

    The next day,she deleted the picture,which was very weird.I decided to send him a message,and tell him that i was ok with our break up,and i think that he was right to break up with me,and that i did a lot of mistakes and that i could have done a lot more for us,more sacrifices and that i have no hard feelings,and i hope he feels the same.I never got an answer..All these happened when he was on his trip.There was no contact after that Saturday we spoke.The day that he came back I had a chat with the boyfriend of my best friend,who happens to be a friend of my bf.He promised to go out with him and ask my bf what’s going on.He asked him what happened with me and he told him the reasons of our break up.He asked him about that girl who had a profile with him (he told him that he knows all that from my best friend who is his gf).My bf told him that she was a friend of his brother and he asked him to take a photo in the club.He said ok because it was rude to say no.The next day his brother told him that,that girl put a profile pic with him (they weren’t even friends on fb).

    He got mad and asked her why,and she said that she has a profile with all her friends,he told her i am not your friend so remove it,and she did.He said nothing happened between them(i think that she liked him).He asked him why he didn’t answer my text and he said that he had a number for that country only and he couldn’t send a message to our country that’s why he didn’t answer (he could have answered me from fb if he wanted to but he didn’t).He told him that he doesn’t know what to do,that he is thinking a lot about me but he doesn’t want us to meet because he knows if we meet,we will be together again.

    So i decided to call him (first time we spoke after that saturday)and ask him to meet.He refused to meet with me.He told me that he had taken his decision,that he likes being alone and not being worried or getting mad about anyone. (Earlier that day he told his friend that he still loves me and misses me).I told him that i want to change a lot of things for us to be happy and i regret not meeting him on his birthday.He told me that he liked when during his trip didn’t think about anyone or anything and he wants to be alone,he doesn’t want a relationship ever again with anyone. I told him don’t you love me? and he said it doesn’t matter.I accepted it.He told me that we will talk again,and i told him you know we won’t,and he said you never know.He also told me to take care and we hanged the phone.(I forgot to mention that i took some photos from school with my guy friends,some pretty close ones so i would get him to be jealous,and it worked.My friend told me that while they were in a cafe,he was on my fb profile checking my photos and getting jealous and mad.How could he tell me that he likes being calm,but 2 hours before,causing stress to his self by seeing my photos?!?).

    Then later that evening,i saw that he deleted me from fb. I was mad and i called him to ask why (huge mistake),he said that he doesn’t want to see my pictures,i told him you see the pictures of someone that you love and care about,you made it pretty obvious that you don’t love me,or care about me,so why do you do it.I told him,i saw your picture with that slut but i didn’t delete you.He asked me why and i told him because i can’t delete people from my life so easily.He said i’m tired of arguing,and he hanged up the phone.Since that Sunday,we never talked.The next day,that girl uploaded the profile with him again.I had a friend of mine to add that girl that had a profile on fb with him.I saw in her fb that she put on fb that she was in a relationship on april 8,and on april 8 she had uploaded the profile picture with my boyfriend!That day my bf put the open relationship status on fb too and removed our photos.All these things match with each other really good.But,all these happened and they weren’t even friends on fb.

    I checked the comments on her profile,everybody asked her if he was her boyfriend but she didn’t answer,she only liked the comments.My boyfriend didn’t like her profile,or her relationship status or anything.As soon as he went back from his trip,he removed from his profile that he is in an open relationship and then they added each other on fb.I don’t know if anything happened between them or if it’s all just a coincidence. I love him badly, i want him back in my life. Is there a chance for us to be together again? What can i do? Does he miss me as much as I do? We have soo many great memories together,did he forget all of them? Will he regret his decision? He is going out clubbing now and having fun,looks like he is happy. I am going to follow your 5 step plan.I’m in day 5 of no contact.Is it going to work for me? Please give me any advice,i would mean the world to me if i had your help to get him back.I dream about him every night, i can’t sleep,or eat.I feel sick without him and i’m missing him like crazy.I am going out with friends but i always miss him. PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:57 am

      Hey RD,

      You do have a chance of getting him back and I’m pretty sure he is as hurt from the breakup as you are. Of course, he is not showing it and neither should you. I’ll recommend you keep no contact for at least 2 months (preferably 3 months), before getting back in touch with him. The reason I say this is because you are young and I think you should learn to be happy without him before getting back in touch with him. You should also explore your options during this no contact period and realize that you don’t need him in your life to be happy.

      • RD April 19, 2014, 7:16 am

        Wouldn’t it be too late to contact him after 2-3 months?

        • Kevin April 20, 2014, 3:48 am

          Hey RD,

          I said 2-3 months because to me it seems that you need that much time to stop obsessing over him and become a happy person. I assume it’s your first serious breakup and you are having a hard time dealing with it. If you still want to get back together after that, I don’t think it’ll be too late. He is young as well and he doesn’t really know how to get over a breakup either.

          • RD April 20, 2014, 6:19 am

            Do you think he is going to regret his decision and contact me? What if he continues to like being alone? He is liking every single thing that girl uploads,should I be worried? She is in another country though and she doesn’t like his stuff on fb.He deleted me but I can see in her pictures his likes.Does he do it to piss me off because I told him I saw his photo with her or does he like her?

          • Kevin April 22, 2014, 1:50 pm

            Don’t obsess over his actions on facebook. It might be just to make you jealous. It’s very hard to say if he’ll regret his decision and contact you or not. But there is a chance he will. And even if he doesn’t, you should get back in touch after no contact.

          • RD April 20, 2014, 7:38 am

            By the way today is Easter and everybody sends wishes like christ is risen etc, but he didn’t send me a wish..should i send him? or better no?

          • Kevin April 22, 2014, 2:31 pm

            Sorry I missed this one. I was busy for a couple of days.

  • Jasmine April 18, 2014, 3:10 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    My girlfriend just broke up with my 2 days ago. I am devastated. We were together for a year and 2 months. I did all the don’t i wasn’t suppose to do. She absolutely irritated with me. I cheated on her twice and there fore she has had it. We tried to repair everything even after I came out and told her about my infidelity. I don’t get it, I was honest, I told her I cheated on her instead of her finding out. I am trying to be a better person. I am going to do the 30 days no contact. She says she doesn’t like girls anymore and that she is over our relationship and is over me too. She says that she does still care about me though. She called me yesterday and said the care she has for me is like for instance if I got hit by a car she’d care. Do you think she really means this or is in denial because of everything and the hurt I have caused her? She hurt my as well but never cheated, well that I know of. What should I do? Do you think I stand a chance again?

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:52 am

      She is probably putting up a wall and trying to avoid facing her true feelings. She is definitely hurt from the breakup. You should follow the plan and you do have a chance.

      • Jasmine April 19, 2014, 10:00 am

        Okay I was thinking instead of a month to contact her in three weeks.. What do you think ? And thank you for taking the time to reply to these. I’m so nervous. I’m going to try not to get my hopes up.. I just feel like she doesn’t care.. We were together for a year and a couple months .. Idk why she isn’t acting as hurt as I am..

        • Kevin April 20, 2014, 4:02 am

          Use the checklist at the beginning of step 4. If by three weeks you satisfy all the points (other than the 30 days one), then go ahead.

          • Jasmine April 23, 2014, 1:57 pm

            Hello Kevin it’s only been week and I broke the rules I sent my ex girlfriend a text message and she just wants to be friends and says she doesn’t like me anymore ? But we spent a year and 2 months together, how can she be over it ? It’s hard to believe but she finally unblocked me off her phone as well and I’m not texting her like crazy since we spoke last night. I want to ask her to hangout next Wednesday. I am scared she might say no. What should I do ? I don’t plan on texting her til this weekend though. I don’t want to be a pest and really make her run away from me. I’m glad her and I are on talking terms. What should I do ? I sent her this text last night. Was it too much or was it fine ? Please let me know your feedback thank you Kevin . Here is the text I sent her as well ! Dear Kimberley ,
            Maybe you won’t care about any of the things that I’m about to say and maybe they’ll go into one ear out the other, but when I leave today I want to know I did every little thing possible. Months from now I don’t want to have the though of “what if..” Remember when I asked you if you were looking for a relationship that day and you replied no. Yea it’s funny because that day when you told me that I was so convinced to forget about you. The really funny thing is how you texted me a couple days later .. My point is who knew we would have even had a relationship together ? I sure as hell didn’t. I never thought I’d ever spend a year and a couple months with such a beautiful, caring, and loving person like yourself. I’m not here to tell you about all the memories we had because you and I know they were amazing. We had our ups and downs but we kept it together while we did. I’ve come to terms with this break up and I’ve also accepted that the choices I made in our relationship were not okay. I broke every promise I made to you and to this relationship. I don’t even deserve to be talking you you right now but I want you to know that through this all there has not been a day I have ever stopped loving you and whether we repair this or not you will always have a piece of my heart.

  • Jessi April 18, 2014, 1:39 pm

    I have been married over 18 years. My husband decided to pack his things while I was at work one day and leave. A week later, he started talking to another woman and 3 weeks after that or so he moved in with her. He says he loves me and he always will. WTF is going on?!?

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:49 am

      Could it be midlife crisis? Your guess is as good as mine Jessi.

  • Martin April 18, 2014, 12:57 pm

    Hey Kevin

    I really liked and like u sad after reading you’re article it makes sense. But i made all those 5 mistakes more than once. I want you’re opinion ony situation. So we weren’t togheter for that long 6 months it was and plus we are very different, im abit serious have a serious jon and she’s outgoing and that was the reason for the breakup. But for the time we were together she sad she loves me and kids and living togheter so no doubt she did love me iguess? And one of the reason for to be with her was that she would change me to be a bit more outgoing. She asked me too go out with her but i blew it always.
    After the breakup i allready made all those mistakes and allready made the no rule (before reading your article) and i allready had my rebound and she knows about it and it doesnt bother her at all. Also we both hang around in the same bar but with different bunch of people. Should i avoid going there?

    Hope to get your answer because reading your article i allready fell a bit better.

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:41 am

      If you enjoy going to that bar, don’t avoid going there.

      • Martin April 19, 2014, 6:10 am

        Okey thanks Kevin
        Do u maybe have any idea on what i should do? I will follow all ur steps and everything. Should i unfriend her on Facebook. She is always posting how happy. Well that hurts cause she never posted something like this when we were together? Why wasnt she bothered with me having a girl?
        Thank Kevin in advance

      • AA April 21, 2014, 5:26 am

        Hey Kevin

        I have been in a Deep relationship for 3 years with a guy CRAZY about me his family loves me all his friends like me its a distance relationship but few months i will be going back permanantly! I have alot of arguments with him because he is always working and has no time for me so I keep breakin up the last break up lasted 4 days and I missed him so I contacted him he said those days made me realise If I still loved you I couldnt believe him cuz iknow him he would Die for me His love for me wasnt normal! He seen me beeing hysterical crying he started crying and said plz stop I love u with All my heart! After 2 weeks eventhough our comvos are exaclty like before so perfect cuz I love him dearly I felt when he said I loveyou somethingwasnt right! So iasked him and he said the truth is there is no feelings I have been trying these 2 weeks so muvh to feel it again but there isnt anything:( I was very cool i said thats okay :) Its nt in your hands He kept sayin sorry plz contact me if you need anything!! I said its okay I wont need anything am a strong woman :) he said you are the strongest woman i met and no girl is like you! But plzzz contact me if u want anything you know where to find me! I didnt reply and it has been 3 weeks today No contact! He has been turning his watsapp last seen on n off very strangley but He left me beyond confused plz Give me suggestions!

        • Kevin April 23, 2014, 12:32 pm

          Hey,

          Send him the letter after at least 3 more weeks of no contact. If his love for you was as much crazy as you said it was, it might not have been love at all. It might just have been an obsession and he might have gotten over that obsession.

  • Annonymous April 18, 2014, 11:09 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Just came across your site and seen everything I have done wrong in the past 4 years. Here is my situation.

    My ex-wife broke it off 4 years ago due to our relationship turning abusive once. We have a 5 year old child and I have been trying to get back together since begging and keep contacting her and yeah you could say drunken texts, bombarding, stalking etc etc… Never once gone more than a week of no contact as I did not know your rule.

    She did start seeing someone just before we divorced, classic rebound and even told me she wasn’t that interested, but I did turn jealous and told her how useless that guy was and to break it off. They have been together since.

    As we have a daughter we have to be in touch to arrange times for me to see her etc… What do you recommend for my case, 30 or more days of no contact? Any help would be appreciated.

    Wish I found your site 4 years ago.

    Thanks

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:23 am

      Definitely apply no contact. Also, if she has been seeing that guy for a long time now, then it might not be a rebound. You have been pursuing her for a long time now. I’ll recommend you just try getting back with her once and if it doesn’t work, you should concentrate on moving on.

      • Annonymous April 19, 2014, 8:17 am

        Thanks Kevin. How long should I apply no contact?

        • Kevin April 20, 2014, 3:53 am

          Considering you’ve been in contact for 4 years, I’ll recommend at least two months.

          • Annonymous April 24, 2014, 8:22 pm

            Thanks…also I registered my email twice but haven’t received those daily helpful emails?

  • Setsuna April 18, 2014, 11:07 am

    Kevin,

    Do you have any happy or success stories of people getting back together after following this 5-step plan? I’m a firm believer of time and patience always when it comes to these types of situations.

  • Carlos Silva April 18, 2014, 10:14 am

    Hello Kevin,

    I’m 26, she’s 21. We fell in love when we were younger and moved in together fairly quickly. For almost 4 years we lived together. Unfortunately, due to bad habits like procrastination, weed and isolation our relationship flat lined. Unemployed, yet to finish my degree, and with a terrible terrible “don’t care” attitude. We were always very trustful of one another, and very supportive. Eventually she got some friends, and my dumb and intoxicated ass didn’t make an ounce of effort to be part of it. Even though she wanted. Her family is complicated, and the way I handled that was to not be part of it. Honestly I became part of nothing. Our sexual life faded. 2 weeks ago I noticed something was off and I wanted her to talk to me about it. Well she put it in pretty simple terms, told me we weren’t good for each other and that she didn’t love me anymore. Nobody saw it coming, except her.
    My initial reaction was of desperation. I embarrassed myself. She spent with me the night, and left me in the morning. I called her for one more embarrassing moment. Then I stopped, I re-collected myself. My sister who is a long time friend of her, talked with her. And well I have to say I understand why she would leave me. I wasn’t good for myself either. I didn’t call her anymore, and put it upon myself to bring change. In the last two weeks I’ve been applying everyday for jobs. I’ve cut my hair and shaved my hobo beard. Put on some attractive clothes instead of looking like a slacker. I wake up early, clean, cook and I no longer spend my time stoned like we used to. I’ve gone out with friends, and I’m going back to college to finish my degree. We adopted a cat and a dog together when we were together. She’s an animal’s person. I love animals too, with special feeling towards our own. She contacted me to say that she still wanted to play her part in the responsability towards the cat, that lives with me. I told her that I loved our dog and still wanted to be with her (the dog). She was more than open to the situation. She brought her to me, had coffee and talked very very casual stuff. I didn’t want her to think I was only changing because of her, so I didn’t sell myself. Yesterday I brought her back to her, she was having coffee with girl friends. She didn’t want me to meet her at the coffee shop though, and I guess that made me feel a bit insecure about who else was there. I kept my cool though. My gf and her friends always thought me attractive, and so I presented myself cleaned up and confident. She didn’t seem to want to avoid eye contact with me, and I must say I felt a warmth from her even though I didn’t act on it. Without me asking she told me that I could come get our dog to be with me after tomorrow. She told me that tuesday she would walk the dogs of the shelter, and so to bring her back to her by then. I have a much clearer mind about myself, about our relationship. I do love her with all my heart, and the last thing I want is to lose her forever. I’m keeping my distance, and I don’t call her or talk to her about my life right now. I want to be someone who is good for her and for myself, and I want us to get back together without the mistakes of the past. This is where I ask you for help Kevin. I understand I’m not the only one, and don’t know when you will be able to see this. But I ask your help, to shine a bit of your light on my situation. Should I propose to go with her and her friends on the dog walk tuesday? To show her that I’m willing to be part of her world? I’m divided and unsure about what’s the best thing to do. I don’t want my desire to be with her to ruin my chances. I don’t want my love for her to prevent me from making the smart choice.

    Please help me. Thank you Kevin.

    • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:11 am

      Hey Carlos,

      I think it’s a little too soon to try to get close to her. You should stay limited contact (like you are right now) for at least three more weeks. After that, start texting her more, and then eventually ask her out. If you think you need a little bit of no contact, then implement no contact instead of limited contact for the next three weeks. I think you are handling the breakup very well and you have a good chance of getting back with her. All the best.

  • Keith April 18, 2014, 8:15 am

    Sorry Kevin,

    Forgot to say thanks in advance.

  • Keith April 18, 2014, 8:14 am

    Hi Kevin,
    Which one of theses do you think I should use for my opening text. Both are real.

    ‘Hey, noticed your car hasn’t been outside work all week so you must be on holiday with Luca. Hope you’re enjoying it. You do anything exciting?’ or

    ‘Hey, When I went for a walk this week a lorry passed and went through a puddle. I got absolutely drenched. Reminded me of the last time I got really soaked when we were on the Valhalla ride at Blackpool. We all had a great time that day.’

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 11:37 am

      They are both pretty good. I am leaning more towards the second one. The first one is kind of insinuating that you are looking for her car every day at work.

      • Keith April 18, 2014, 1:15 pm

        Yeah good point. Even though our offices are only 50 yards apart and I do!

        Thanks again Kevin.

  • American Boy April 18, 2014, 1:20 am

    A girl has given me break-up 2 weeks ago after about 3 months of being together. On the day I proposed her, she told me her story: “I was in love with you while we were in high school, about 6-7 years back. Knowing that you were in love with a different girl, I used to get so much hurt. However, that feeling was completely gone about five years back. I fell in love with a guy after that, but we broke up, about 3 years back. Now I am sorry to say I don’t have feelings of love anymore. I could not love you back. I know you are a great guy but perhaps I am not lucky enough to live with you. That’s why all these things are happening to me.” Our conversation had ended in a positive note, wishing each other best wishes for life, because both of us know that we are good people. We have been friends for almost 8-9 years.

    I think she is still hiding many things. I feel that she does not love me because of her previous experience with me: she had felt so much when she knew that I used to love (it was just a crush I would say, not love) a “different girl”. But the truth is I had never known her love towards me. Moreover, I stopped thinking about this “different girl” about 5 years back. And somewhere in my heart, I started loving the girl I love currently. But I never gathered courage to speak about this. I never fell in love with any other girl after wards, but kept on loving her secretly hoping that one day I would be able to tell her my story.

    Two days back, I again contacted her on Facebook, because we live in different countries. She looked really sad at that fact that she has hurt me. She told me she is not in love with anyone when I asked her current status. Then I told her that I will ask her feelings towards me time and again, and only when enough becomes enough, and when my heart breaks completely I will try to stop thinking about her. I also told her: “I want to learn so much by being hurt or I want to live with you forever. Please give me one of these two things.” She told “I can’t hurt you that much, nor can I say I can live with you forever. Please give me some more time.” I was happy at the last statement she made. She also suggested to switch the topic. This tells that she feels hurt when she thinks about my love story.

    Good thing so far is both of us respect each other so much. Neither of us have spoken bad words against each other. She responds to every message I write. But she is almost never the one to write me first. What is the best thing to do at the moment?

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 11:31 am

      It’s a perfect moment to start no contact and follow the plan.

      • American Boy April 18, 2014, 2:23 pm

        Kevin,

        Thanks for your response. I have a specific question: What does she mean to imply by telling me that she does not want to hurt me more? Could she have a boy friend and thinking as an option?

        • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:50 am

          It could mean a lot of thing. Perhaps when you talk to her, she can sense you are hurt and needy and it makes her feel guilty. It could also mean what you said. But there is no point obsessing over it. Follow the plan.

      • American Boy April 18, 2014, 2:24 pm

        Kevin,

        And how long do you think would be the right period of no contact? I am thinking of 1.5 months.

        • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:50 am

          Sounds good.

  • Liz April 17, 2014, 7:47 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex broke up with me February 1. After two weeks of no contact, I tried to plead rekindling with my ex. He said, “I need space to process. You’re not giving me room to breath here and forcing things won’t make it any better.” After that I did no contact for 45 days. Then, I decided to write an apology letter. I told him I accepted the break-up and acknowledged how relational anxiety hurt the relationship.

    He replied a day later and wrote this:

    “Liz,
    Thank you very much for the letter. It was nice to read. Not just for the content, which I appreciate you taking the time to share, but the manner in which you write. Your writing personifies some of the things you talk about in your letter, which is refreshing to see/read. I also appreciate the links to help explain what you were sharing, as well as the nice videos.
    I appreciate your recognition of the difficult things. I, unfortunately, am not in a place to concretely uphold or dismiss the things you’ve shared. Not that I don’t believe you; I am quite glad to hear you’ve seen things you didn’t like and have been working and are resolved to continue working to rectify them. But, to only look at it from the perspective of your possible shortcomings would be irresponsible in my eyes. I realize I’m not whole enough to truly know what’s up and what’s down.
    I’m happy, too, to hear you look back with compassion on the things you struggled with. You had, and have had, quite a lot of things pushing and pulling on you. Our relationship got some of its own challenges in that regard. But to say there weren’t happy, positive, blessed times would be a lie. And to say that we didn’t both grow, even in the mire of it all, would be a lie as well. I watched you confront a lot of things. Regardless of if you won or lost in those situations is irrelevant in my eyes; facing them is the only thing that moves one forward.
    I apologize as well. I realize my mind isn’t quite on track, which leads to ups and downs that can be hard to navigate. I would engage and withdraw, amplify and then drown myself out. I still do, but it’s easier to do it alone.
    Orthogonally from the content at hand, I’d like to express my sincere condolences for the loss of your cousin. I hope you and your family are coping as well as drawing close together to support and encourage one another.
    Thank you again,
    Tony”

    I’m not sure what to do next? He seems like he’s still at an impasse (processing and trying to figure his shit out) but also not showing a lot of feeling for me or toward rekindling. He seems to care for me, but he doesn’t suggest anything.

    He has some of my things still at his house and didn’t suggest I pick them up, either. If he felt like this was totally dead, wouldn’t he ask me to get my stuff?

    He’s also bisexual and a cross dresser, so he’s not your average guy. He’s mostly into women, but I think has some gender queer stuff going on, which is hard for him to navigate. I really like this about him, because I have similar gender fluidity and bisexual.

    What do you recommend?
    Reply? Text? No contact again? Move on?

    -Liz

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 11:24 am

      I recommend no contact again for a week (or two) then text him. This time, keep things light and fun.

  • Tori April 17, 2014, 6:51 pm

    Hi, kevin
    My ex and I dated for a few months, and it was magic. We had an instant connection, and we helped each other to trust again, as we had both been hurt extemely bad in the past. We were also both virgins, and lost our virginity together. Unfortunately, he shows symptoms of bipolar disorder, which have been noticed by multiple lifelong friends. He refuses to adknowledge these however (probably because being diagnosed would prevent him from joining the military. Our first time dating ended after a rough patch, where both of our personal lives got extremely stressful, and the stress of a relationship as well, was too much. He broke up with me, but insisted he wanted to stay friends, and would always care for me. Less than a month later, i missed him, and decided to try and get back together. However, complications arose, as we had multiple people trying to break us up, and we had put up walls with each other as a result of the first break up. Things were gradually getting better between us though, until one extremely rough night, where we had to deal with TWO of the people who wanted us apart. My ex also happened to be going through one of his episodes at the time, and virtually shut down in front of me. He ended it, saying basically the same thing he said the first time we broke up. The next day, we got in a huge texting fight, as there were rumors being spread that i was hitting on his best friend, and that i was saying that my ex was a bad person. we ended our fight on a bad note, with him saying that he was now 100% over me, that i had no idea how easy i made it for him to leave me, and that he did care for me before our fight, but that he didn’t at the end of it. I told him that i didn’t care for him either and that i was over him. I have now begun the NO-CONTACT. Do you think we will have a chance of getting back together again? we had no big issues in our relationships, the only thing was how we handled stress, and we had people trying to interfere, and we both got discouraged.

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 11:21 am

      Yes Tori, I do think you still have a chance of getting back together.

  • Leandro April 17, 2014, 1:06 pm

    Hi Kevin, my ex-gf broke with me in last week and i doing this steps now. I don’t want delete or block her contact in whatsapp is the only way we can talk , but i don’t go talk ou stalk her. My question is in Whatsapp the people can see if you read the message, if her send me a message to me and she see i read the message and not answer her she won’t be angry or give up me?

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 10:34 am

      If you want, you can tell her you need space and time whenever she contacts you. After you’ve told her this, it won’t be rude if you don’t answer her.

  • mosh rose April 17, 2014, 12:58 pm

    hi kevin

    i really need your help there has been a development and i dont know what to do ..

    well we met. 2 weeks after the breakeup. when we met she told me she could not sleep the night before from exitment.. we spent the whole afternoon together, drank wine, went to great restaurant.. we talked a lot.. she still want to be alone with her thoughts, told me she felt the relationship held her from moving on in life and finding what she really want to do..
    she told me she dosnt want anybody else but me.. and she wants to continue to see me once a week for fun and sex and that she loves me, but cant give anything back right now because she is 100% self focused on herself.
    when i told her i dont see what is the point on meeting once a week she told me that if i want other girls then there is no point.. but if i dont want other girls then “why not?” , after the date we went to my place and had AMAZING SEX! , she left this morning sending me a text she had the most amazing time with me and that she loves me.
    we where supposed to travel abroad for 5 days in june, and yesterday she told me she still want to go (i have the tickets hotel everything already booked) and if i will tell her that i will not cancel the tickets and hotel we will have the most amazing time together.
    when i told her she is not being fair with me, she told me she will accept every decision i will make but that she will not give up on me or forget about me that quickly.
    i really love her.. i dont know what to do.. what is the best way to act on this? this is very confusing :-((((
    please give your take on this .
    thanks.

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 10:33 am

      You have two options

      1. Continue doing what she wants to do till the time you can. And if it becomes emotionally exhausting (or she starts dating some other guy) for you, tell her you either she commits or you move on.
      2. Tell her that you can’t do this and if she wants to be with you, she should commit. And apply no contact after that.

  • Nik April 17, 2014, 12:33 pm

    Hi Kevin, i broke up with my girlfriend 5 days ago and its been heartbreaking for me, mostly because i know everything was my fault. I have been overly jealous and possessive and controlling and aggressive and i hate it. I hate myself. Thing is, we’ve only been going out for a year, although we lusted after each other for months – and i hate it because we’ve been living together for pretty much the whole time we’ve been going out. I and nobody else has ruined this relationship and i have to live with the fact i have lost the best thing in my life and my future plans with her seem in tatters. I dont want her back because i cant be that person anyone. He died on Sunday. But, i want her to fall in love wit the new me and in 10 years time we can both look back on this as being the best thing to happen to us. Ive been texting her goodnight and shes apologised many times for hurting me, if only she knew how i felt having hurt her for months.. she finally opened a dialogue from more than ‘good night’ ‘sleep well’ to thanking me for being so considerate of her. She even told me i could call if i needed too. We spoke for the first time yesterdaty and she kept calling me baby (habbit i know) she also mentioned she missed me a few times. But she also said the relationship just ‘ran its course’ or words to that effect. She went to a mutual friends house last night and i met him today for lunch, he mentioned to me that he asked her last night if there was any chance for the two of us, she replied to him ‘no’. She still text me today and we have agreed to speak this evening, what do you think my chances are of being with her again? I never thought id ever say it and as cliche as it is, she is the one for me and i am changing for myself, because i need too, but it would be nice to be with her too.

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 10:30 am

      Hey Nick,

      You do have a decent chance of being with her again. You need to follow the plan.

  • Sarah April 17, 2014, 11:25 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I have signed up to your emails and they are really helping me a lot, but I’m still a bit confused about what to do.
    I was in a long distance relationship with someone and we would speak everyday, if not every other day. Everything was going ok, he got a little more distant than usual but I know he was a bit stressed at work and he would still always let me know he missed me/still wanted to see me etc. Suddenly out of the blue he stopped answering my messages. This went on for a week until I decided to phone him using an unknown number. He told me he felt awkward about moving around all the time (with his job) and he doesn’t know what he wants right now. He also said he has a lot to think about. I told him to think about whatever that is then tell me his decision then I ended the call. It’s been nearly a month since then and I’ve heard nothing. I know it’s pretty clear we’re no longer in a relationship but he didn’t actually break up with me, just sort of left me hanging. So now I have no reason or explanation to help me try to understand the situation. He hasn’t deleted me off of any social networking sites and I know he deleted his last ex after they broke up so he must still feel something right? Within the past week though he untagged himself from all the pictures we had together on Facebook and I find it a bit weird that he’s only just decieded to do that now when its been weeks. I don’t know if he maybe expected me to carry on chasing him and is trying to get my attention in an indirect way or what but it just seems really strange. The no contact period is coming up to 30 days now so how can I break it when he was the one who started ignoring me and still is, and we didn’t ‘officially break up’? Sorry the message is so long, I hope you can help.
    Thanks.

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 9:31 am

      You should contact him. It doesn’t matter who started no contact or who gets back in touch. What matters more is what you say when you get back in touch. Even if things don’t work out, you will at least get closure and will be able to move on.

      • Sarah April 18, 2014, 11:06 am

        How much longer should I wait to contact him again? And what should I say when I do?

        • Kevin April 19, 2014, 5:20 am

          When the 30 days are over. If you think you’ve already broken up, then you should use the text messages or the letter above. If you’re not sure you’ve broken up, then call him and ask him about it. If he says he wants to breakup, then start no contact again and follow the plan.

  • john April 17, 2014, 6:27 am

    Hey kevin.I’m a 23 year old male and my ex is also 23. Me and my ex knew each other since middle school. We started dating early February.we have grown a love for one another quick.I have never hurt her before. She has done a # of things to me and I have forgiving her.I (out of anger) sent her a nasty text message five nights ago.I said things hurtful bring up her past and weaknesses. I DID NOT mean what I said I just snapped. And it hurt her so much she just up and didn’t wanna talk to me or anything.two nights later I couldn’t deal with her silence so I went to her house un welcomed,and tried talking to her.and Kevin…..this girl DID NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.now I know I should of left but I couldn’t accept then and there our break up is official.I didn’t want her to be like that out of anger and just putting on a front she doesn’t care when deep down she does. Well that same night I was there for about two hours and she was ignoring me and saying hurtful things.and as I was about to leave I kept telling her this is wrong don’t do this to me. I made a few mistakes according to your tips as far as needy and talking about everything not at an appropriate time.anyway she ended up Puting her hands on me that night.badly constantly punching me and crying.here is interesting and complicated on my end on what I should do. That same night she went to her friends house crying and sobbing that she hit me and felt guilty.her friend was even saying the day before that night that my ex girl Sasha said” he wants to think I don’t care ima show him what not caring looks like. Which for me makes it seem she was trying to show me what its like when she doesn’t care puting up a front you know.what should I do. We haven’t talked for two days at all.I don’t want her to think I’m mad and don’t care after she hit me. I still care and love her.and frankly she won’t be the mature one and come to me.how should I proceed? Do you think she still cares?

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 9:00 am

      I think you should continue no contact for two months. She will probably contact you during that time. If she does contacts you and apologizes, accept her apology and continue with the plan.

  • Jay April 17, 2014, 3:30 am

    Hi Kevin,

    So I was with my fiance for 3 years, we were in so much love. Along the way she did find some messages from other girls in my phone which gave her trust issues with me but she stayed by mysids. We have been having family issues, my family, mainly my mother and sister, my sister always needs to be queen B in all situations, always looked down on my fiance so they were always hot and cold. At the end of the relationship my brother inlaw broke up with my sister, my brother inlaw is my ex fiance’c boss. My sister moved back to our family house in another city but myself and my ex fiance stayed up where we all lived, next door to my ex brother inlay. This was hard due to he said she said going back and forth from my sister and her ex… Having my ex fiance working under my ex brother inlaw this caused a lot of hostility between me, my family, my ex’s family.

    We went to thailand for a wedding, I found messages from a guy that my ex fiance works with, he also has / had a gf. they started to message each other more and more..I asked her about it and she said they are new in town and dont know anyone..which i thought was a little weird but ok.. We came back from our holiday, everything was good, we were working things out, her mother than put a post on facebook saying that my ex shouldnt move back to our home city, stay where she is, she should let idiots (my family) bring her down..My family seen this on facebook and said to me they want nothing to do with the family..I couldn’t control this so she said to me ” I need time and space “. Since then I didnt do the no contact, I messaged, texted and called..emailing pics of us saying I love her and I want her back! After the first couple of days of me moving back to my home city, she did message me a few pics our her and our dog saying ” your girls for ever ” etc and that she couldnt deal with it all and she misses me..It’s been 2 weeks now and she hasnt really contacted me unless its about the house that we just moved out of or sending my belongings back home. I have done a little bit of no contact, I havent said anything about our relationship to her, just working out finances.

    I’m sitting here thinking that she may be well and truely over me? Has she started to see this new guy? I mean, she hasnt once called or text in 2 weeks to see if I’m ok? Do you think shes under pressure from her family not to see me due to my family? I’m really lost! She did say when we broke up that I’m the only guy in her life and she wants to marry me but she hasnt said anything about that for 2 weeks..

    What are your thoughts?

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 8:56 am

      Hey Jay,

      I think the other guy is probably a rebound. However, there is a chance due to family pressure that relationship might last longer than most rebounds. I think you should continue the plan and she is definitely not over you right now. I’ll recommend you keep no contact for 2 months.

      • Jay April 19, 2014, 7:03 am

        Hi Kevin,

        She called me this morning for a little chat and to talk about the removal trucks, but the main part is she actually chatted to me which she hasnt done since we broke up. Usually I’m the one calling her. She said that she was going out to dinner with people from work which sounds a bit shady but I might be over thinking.. I can’t start no contact yet, we have to sort out finle bills on the house so that could take a week or 2..Once that is over I’ll start the no contact and see where that gets me.

  • david April 17, 2014, 2:14 am

    Kevin
    My live in girlfriend of 3 years has moved out due to her daughters hatred toward me and because of lifestyle difference. She and her children are untidy where as im not and the stress of my expectations on her to help 50/50 with house work was too great ..before moving out she agreed to continue relationship living apart but within a week broke up after…she said she didn’t miss me as much as she thought she would and felt less stress in her home where untidiness is not an isdue..saying she no longer loves me and hadnt for a while prior to moving out.

    I applied the no contact rule 3 weeks now and there has been no contact .

    I love her dearly and since I happy to do 100% of the house work as I was doing it anyway id like to win her back living apart till daughter leaves home..
    Is there hope ?
    Daughter is 17 mum 44 & im 49

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 8:50 am

      Hey David,

      After reading your comment here, I think there are other issues and incompatibilities between you two aside from the daughter. You should continue no contact for another 3-4 weeks before getting back in touch with her. I think you’ll realize that you two are not compatible for a long and healthy relationship by that time.

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