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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat_begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

 

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very attractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

 

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)

 

If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

7324 comments… add one

  • anjali October 20, 2014, 6:38 pm

    Hi, I submitted a post yesterday. It met the guidelines so I’m not sure why hasn’t been posted. I’m not sure if it just did’t go through and I should post again.

    Thanks

    • Kevin October 21, 2014, 7:03 am

      Hey Anjali,

      Sorry about that, I don’t usually approve new comments here. If you have questions regarding your relationship or breakup, you should post in the message boards. You will get a much faster response.

  • alice October 21, 2014, 2:50 am

    Hi Kevin, i broke up with my boyfriend one month ago, of course i have made all the mistakes you have said not to do,the calling, texting, begging, you name it, now i feel like i have lost him forever because he told me point blank that i need to accept the breakup and move on with my life, the most difficult part is that we work in the same building and i have to see him everyday, i have no idea what to do,I urgently need your help before i go crazy.Thanks.

    • Kevin October 21, 2014, 7:07 am

      Hey Aice,

      Read this article.

    • prakash November 20, 2014, 11:33 am

      In my opinion you should dress good and try to ignore him. It will be hard for few days but when he will start noticing you that you have stopped thinking and looking at him he will start noticing u…

  • Chris October 21, 2014, 10:58 am

    Hello Kevin. For the first year of my relationship I was a fun, confident guy, whom my girlfriend respected and fell in love with. I too fell in love with her, and we moved in together. At some point I realized I was happier than I had ever been, and had more to lose than ever before. I freaked out, and have spent the past year becoming a desperate, needy bloke who gave her everything she wanted, even if it wasn’t what she needed. I saw she was unhappy but I didn’t realize why, so just pressed harder to be there for her and love her and support her. Trouble was, this was smothering her, and out of the blue, she has told me it’s over, because she loves me, but is not ‘in love’ with me any more. She has explicitly stated that even if she falls in love with me again in the future, she will ignore those feelings. She will never ever come back, because we tried and failed, and she won’t try again. She is a stubborn person, and I am concerned that she will stick to her guns. Truth is, we once made each other very happy, and I can see a future for us. Have you had any experience with people who have tried to win back their ex after a few months of time apart when the person who left is determined not to ever go back? What should I do? I am accepting that we may never be together again, but I truly believe we could have a wonderful future together, and it would be such a shame to see everything we built go to waste.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:13 am

      Yes, it has happened in quite a few cases. You should follow the plan.

  • anil kumar October 21, 2014, 3:01 pm

    hai thank you so much first it was very useful article…u r genious

  • Anjali October 21, 2014, 8:55 pm

    Odd, I guess I will post again and see if it goes through this time. Perhaps my post never registered with the site.

    I’m struggling with deciding how much longer I should do no contact/ or not contact him at all ever again .It has now been a month since we broke up ( I broke up with him) .
    Summary of what happened:

    We dated total 2.5 years, 1 ish year in college, 1 ish year long distance. Relationship in college was great and were at one point thinking marriage. Had some tiffs regarding him prioritizing/ picking me over friends etc. but things got better. Main issue is that he is an investment banker. extremely busy and once he graduated and started working we started doing long distance.

    He basically started making no time for me at point . He always had work. We would chat a lot but phone calls ended up being a once a month thing which i got frustrated with. I said we had to talk more and he kept saying he’d try harder except he never did. I visited him a few times and visits would be great and our connection would be good but it would go to same old same old once i got back.

    In may at one point he told me that all he needed was money and he knew he hadn’t been trying and I should break up with him and find someone better. He didn’t end things with me though. We didn’t break up but things didn’t really get better or worse. I brought up breaking up a few times after that but never actually went through with it but it def. created a lot of tension and things kind of stopped being enjoyable. He got vacation and booked at ticket to vacation instead of coming to see me even though he’s never visited which really upset me.

    Last month, i got very frustrated with not talking on the phone for a whole week again so i called and broke it off. I asked if he was going to stop me. he said ” no, my career’s more important right now.” We hung out. I called him a week later and he didn’t respond so I emailed and told him I think I needed a few months of space but I want to try things again. However, he didn’t respond. it’s been about 4 weeks since I sent the email and i haven’t contacted him again…no begging.

    I’m not sure what to do now. i still want him back i guess, but since he didn’t respond to me idk what to do. Do i never contact him again:? it seems like he’s already done with this and moved on. it also seems like he may just not be ready for the commitment and to settle down on one girl, even though our relationship used to be great.long distance is what made things go south because he wasn’t willing to give the time commitment to keep the connection alive enough. funny thing is though i broke it off, I feel like I got broken up with.

    Do I do another month of no contact and call/ email again? What form of communication would be best. I’m just really not sure how to do this anymore.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:28 am

      Hey,

      You should do another month of no contact. I think a text will be a good place to start. If he doesn’t reply, you should wait another month. If still nothing, you should consider moving on.

      • anjali October 22, 2014, 10:15 am

        What should i say when i reach out when the second month ends? Should I say that it’t been two months and I’ve had the time and space and I want to talk and see where things go, but that I’m not going to convince him if he doesn’t feel the same? That I’m doing this for myself so that I don’t have regrets?

        Or do I contact him casually, ask how he’s doing? I feel like he might see through that pretty easily.

        • Kevin October 24, 2014, 7:40 am

          Start casually. Even if he is suspicious about your intentions, it doesn’t change anything.

        • Balaji Sendur Pandiyan November 2, 2014, 4:39 am

          Anjali move on. Look around for person who loves u since ur boy friend do not care u. Even I had break up with my girl friend I begged her to forgive me but she treated me as like a road side dog now I’m alone and trying to forget her. So bottom line stop thinking ur bf and search people who love u. Thanks

  • Kevin October 22, 2014, 7:09 am

    Brief overview.

    -Dated almost a year. Both came from history of previous long term relationships ending in hurt (Say this wondering if I was the rebound). Had a rough patch for a few weeks, relationship ended in July (mostly her idea, agreed it was for the best). Attempted being friends for a couple months. My feelings still lingered visibly, could tell she was feeling it less. Her sister got married in August, planned to be her date months previously. Attended, but things were weird for me and it showed. She was annoyed by my awkwardness when I had to be introduced as her friend. Didnt hang out for a month or so after, but stayed in contact. Called her out on turning down my hangouts. Wrote an appology email after, received a reply of her basically saying “if you want to cut me out of your life, thats your decision….we need time to heal….maybe someday we can be friends” Didnt understand the “cut me out of your life…” mixed with “need time to heal” attempted to text her a couple days after, too much effort and it was felt. Stopped talking. Came across this site and proceeded to reach the 30 day goal. I’m now at week 3 (day 21). Anything you can make from this? Is it worth persuing? Or do I need to lean to let things go? I love and miss the girl but dont want to “hunt her down” so to speak. She’s used to being treated a certain way from previous guys, and I personally think its something she has to outgrow. And the only way (in my eyes) would be if she were the one to come back to me.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:38 am

      Hey Kevin,

      Considering you both need time to heal, from your previous relationships as well as this one, you should increase no contact to two months. I can’t tell you if it’s worth pursuing or not, it’s for you to decide. If you think she is worth it, it’s worth pursuing. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll know that you tried and it’ll be easier for you to move on.

  • Chris October 22, 2014, 11:21 pm

    Hello!
    So, I’m trying to use this system, but having a hard time with the no contact! Made it 11 days b/f I caved! All the messages I did send were all positive while utilizing your techniques. My ex broke up with me a month ago and still (in my opinion) giving me mixed signals. I guess I’ve only been searching why she neglects to answer my questions about ways to get her own things back? Why she won’t answer if it’s ok to mail her earrings, CD’s, and other things to her house? In addition, asking for things of my own back? Why she won’t respond? Also, why she can’t answer (previously b/f I started this system) my question if she has moved on or not?
    I’m having a real hard time figuring out whether or not I’m just wasting my time bc I don’t have the slightest clue on where she is at.
    I have been on a date (not the greatest date) and really only thought about my ex the whole time.
    I guess since I broke the “no contact” rule does that mean I shiud start over or go to the texts?
    I finally feel that I’m getting to the point of not thinking about her all the time. I know I’m making progress, I just don’t want to lose this one. I really care about her.
    Any and all feedback is much appreciated!
    Thanks!
    -CCA

    • Kevin October 24, 2014, 7:56 am

      You should start over. There could be two reasons why she won’t answer to those questions.

      1. She is not ready to let go completely since those things are in a symbolic way the only thing that’s connecting her to you.

      2. She doesn’t want to talk to you at the moment since she is angry/hurt/mad. The things are not that much important to her and she plans to take them later or maybe never.

  • Isabelgonzalezx October 23, 2014, 4:55 pm

    Hey, I’m Isabel. Me and my ex boyfriend met in the beginning of hot summer july. he asked me out a month later..I was so happy. But 2 months later (10.6.14) he broke up with me. Simply because I couldn’t make him happy. When I try to talk to him about our relationship he says I am so negative. And annoying…. I try to be happy but it’s so hard. He says he lost feelings too. What should I do? I really love him…

    • Kevin October 24, 2014, 8:05 am

      Follow the plan Isabel.

  • Mema October 23, 2014, 11:16 pm

    Kevin .. I’ve posted before all the details about my relationship “long version of my story” .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply )..
    in which stage of healing process you think he’s in? ..
    Breakup Pain Healing?
    Bad Memories Healing?
    Missing Me Badly?
    Or Moving On?

    • Mema October 23, 2014, 11:23 pm

      And thanks alot Kevin .. for what you are doing .. helping thousands of couples to be together again .. and not wanting anything in return .. You are GREAT! ..

  • Roberto October 23, 2014, 11:30 pm

    Hey Kevin thank you for your article help me a lot deciding what to do when my girlfriend broke up with me.
    I’m thinking on the pros and cons of the relationship now.
    I haven’t decided if is the best go back to her.

  • Leilani October 24, 2014, 7:36 am

    We always get back on track and then i ask too many questions or try to be too lovey dovey, going solely off of his vibe. I do agree I probably text or message too much but i don’t want to lose him because of it. He told me yesterday to not text him because im aggravating and can’t tell. but the day before he was telling me how much he loved me and my attitude. i responded by telling him there are other guys who want to have sex with me but i dont want it with them and he doesn’t get how much i like it with him and that the day before thats what i meant by he just needs to tell me what he doesnt like about me or things i do and then me too but he has yet to say anything.
    what should i do? go quiet for a few days or weeks? then reach out again?
    i think i only act that way because of how much i like him.

  • alexruiz10 October 24, 2014, 3:24 pm

    My ex broke up with me a week ago. She’s 17 years old and turning 18 in two months and graduating in two months. I’m 20 years old. We dated for 13 months and fell in love with eachother. she recently messaged me saying this about the breakup” we won’t be like this forever, this is just temporary for now, but I see a future with you.
    ,I see us getting Married one day and having kids and exploring the world together, our connection is so strong it won’t ever Break. I’ll never stop loving you but right now I just want you to improve on yourself, we both have a lot of things to work on. Just letting you know this time off won’t be forever”.

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:53 am

      Follow the plan Alex.

  • Mistaken October 24, 2014, 10:26 pm

    I broke things off with my husband after years of manipulation. He’s been working on fixing these issues within himself, but about a week ago I told him to move on with his life. He’s now hardly spoken to me (and we have kids to consider). I miss him like crazy, and I’ve been guilty of breaking all the rules. Can I get him back (even though it was ME that called things off) by following the plan?

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:54 am

      Yes, there’s still a chance.

  • Jennifer October 25, 2014, 4:42 am

    Hey, so the no contact, how does this work with facebook? Do I refrain from writing status about my day or posting pictures showing what I am doing?
    For example “had a great dinner with my friends, thanks for keeping a smile on face” would this count as contact as my ex would be able to read this? Even though it is not directed to him
    Would not being on Facebook for the 30days allow him to think more about what is she doing? He broke up with me 4days ago as he says he didn’t have enough time for me anymore (basically to be with his friends instead) I’ve not contacted him in 3days but have put a number of updates on Facebook and he has be on Facebook A LOT (considerably amount than normal for him) Im afraid my no contact has been damaged by my Facebook statuses

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:59 am

      As long as the status updates are not about your ex, it doesn’t count as breaking no contact.

  • Ilias October 25, 2014, 7:47 am

    Hi kevin
    My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change.

  • Ilias October 25, 2014, 7:50 am

    Hi kevin
    My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change for me .

  • Carmelo October 26, 2014, 3:47 am

    Hey Kevin, i read the site and read people’s comments, but i also have a few questions of my own. If my partner told me to never text him/her again because during this “breakup” i guess i called/texted him/her several times(to show that i cared) but it backfired. Of course i read the steps and realized this. So now, he/she told me not to text again and this is their final text towards me. Will this process still work? Is that partner not willing anymore? This relationship have been a long long time now. 7 years about to be 8. Give me some ideas.

    • Kevin October 27, 2014, 10:23 am

      Yes, it’ll still be effective.

  • Lily October 26, 2014, 7:27 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I think your no contact rule makes a lot of sense, especially about your ex forgetting all of the negative things about you and to work on self improvements. My husband left me about 2 weeks ago. I’m not sure how to apply the no contact rule as he is in contact with me everyday because of the kids. We both only talk about the kids and leave any emotions out of it. Today he came over to see the kids and instigated intimacy. I don’t know if I should deny him as part of me thinks that if he is getting it from me, then he won’t go elsewhere, but the other part thinks it he could be just using me for sex until he finds someone else. As we are still married, I don’t want him to commit adultery whilst we are still married, but on the other hand he could have no respect for me whatsoever.

    • Lily October 29, 2014, 6:00 am

      Hi Kevin,

      Could you please clarify how I can proceed with NC when my husband contacts me a few times a day regarding the kids and visits every day to see the kids. What about the sex, is it just to satisfy his needs, or does he feel something for me, he closes his mouth so as not to kiss me. He has told me at least 3 times that he doesn’t love me and once he told me that he wouldn’t mind if I find someone else. We have been married for almost 8 years. How long should I do the NC and what should I tell him if he wants to initiate sex in the future. Since he left he has come to cut the grass, today I saw him cleaning the cobwebs, he came back after a few minutes of leaving to return a DVD which I had rented for our son and then came back about an hour later to give me some money. He has taken our bin out twice since leaving, but in the month prior to leaving he hadn’t touched the bin. Is he doing these things to make me happy so that we can be on good terms for the kids? or could it be something more??

  • Jeremy October 26, 2014, 7:25 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Great guide. How do you do the face to face meeting if your ex lives abroad? Obviously, it complicates matters. If it simplifies things with background, we had been dating for over 2 1/2 years before she moved abroad for the time being. When breaking up, distance was never a reason, but it more seemed to be collateral damage from acclimating to a new environment. Any advice here would be great.
    Thanks!

    • Kevin October 27, 2014, 10:27 am

      You start with skype. If things progress and it seems she is interested, then you can plan a trip abroad or for her to visit you.

  • Mema October 27, 2014, 7:17 am

    Thanx alot Kevin ..
    but I’m very afraid ..
    he’s acting all fine .. spending time with his friends .. and he looks like he’s having fun :( ..
    I’m a close friend with his best friend .. (we are talking almost daily .. he’s helping me throw these hard times .. and he’s making sure for me to follow the plan) .. he told me my ex never mentioned me to him .. he’s doing great .. having alot of fun .. and I should move on like he did.. I know this sounds typical from his bff .. but when my ex went out with our mutual friends .. he acted exactly like his bff said :( ..
    So I’m really afraid .. that he’s very tired from our relationship (all the fights ,the jealousy , the break ups and hurting him ) and he’s trying to move on .. :(
    And I know that he thinks our relationship ended from the first break up ” he was telling a new friend of him that .. and when I asked him why he said so .. he said it was hard to explain what happened the last year to her” .. and I’m afraid that the last year was his way on moving on :(
    What do you think Kiven ?
    P.s: my ex’s bff .. was with our break up at first .. and supported my ex to break up with me .. he thought we were awful together .. and we should break up .. but now .. after knowing me well .. he thinks that I love my ex too much .. and my ex is lucky to have someone like me .. and he even said that he’ll never find anyone how will love him like I did ..
    I’m keeping him updated on my progress following this 5 steps plan .. I even told him I have a date this week .. is this wrong?

    • Kevin October 27, 2014, 10:38 am

      Hey Mema,

      I strongly recommend that you stop contact with your ex’s best friend. Tell him that as part of your healing, you need to stop all communication from your ex, directly or indirectly. And through him, you are keeping tabs on your ex which is sort of defeating the purpose of no contact. If you are constantly thinking about your ex and his actions, you are not really concentrating on yourself.

      You shouldn’t really worry about what’s going on with your ex at this moment. Simply because there is nothing you can do about it. Even if he is tired of the relationship and trying to move on, you can’t stop him. If you try to, you will even make it worse. The best thing you can do is follow the plan, and you are doing that already.

      And even if he having fun with his life, doesn’t necessarily mean he is over you. It might just mean he is enjoying being single and away from the fighting and the negativity of the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean he will completely get over you anytime soon. When you see him again after no contact, you will have the opportunity to prove to him how much you’ve changed. And for that, you will have to use this NC period to make some actual changes in your life.

      • Mema October 29, 2014, 12:59 am

        Thanx Kevin .. I’m making huge changes in my life ” new look .. new job “passed the interview and they said I can start working from the beginning of the new year” .. soon I’ll start my master’s degree study “I passed the exam:-D” .. and I’m going to gym” I’m doing great.. and actually I’m having fun .. and I don’t talk to my ex’s bff about my ex .. we have normal talks usually.. but sometimes when I’m feeling down .. i talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling .. and he cheers me up and encourages me to continue what I’m doing “as my friend not as my ex’s bff” .. and that’s when he told me that I should move on .. Otherwise we never talk about my ex and what’s he doing on his life .. just .. normal conversations ..
        So should I really cut him off my life?
        I mean he’s a friend of mine too .. isn’t he?

        • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:41 am

          In that case, you shouldn’t cut him off. Just avoid talking to him about the ex.

          • Mema November 2, 2014, 10:50 am

            Hey Kevin ..
            I want to ask you this .. my ex wants us to talk dirty on Skype .. he said that I mean nothing to him.. not even a friend .. but he wants us to talk dirty ! “Long distances relationship”
            we were texting back and forth today .. “i ended NC after 1 month of break up”
            I don’t understand .. I’m old fashioned .. and we didn’t even have sex before .. and he knows that I don’t want to do anything sexual before marriage ..
            should I talk to him and during that talk about us? .. or create a new bliss moment with him and never.motion us?
            Or I should ignore him?
            Plz help asap .. I have 3 hours to tell him my response :(

          • Kevin November 3, 2014, 7:14 am

            I’d recommend you ignore him.

          • Mema November 2, 2014, 10:52 am

            And btw .. he will probably block me again after the talk thing :( ..

  • Seana October 27, 2014, 12:11 pm

    Hello,

    So I was broken up with a little over a month ago, and was devastated. I googled “how to get him back” and found this website. Thank goodness for this website!!!! I followed all the steps, and on day 32 of “no contact” my ex called me, told me he loves me, and proposed to me!!! This is absolutely true, and I want to thank you for this website. It helped me so much!

    Thanks again!

    • Kevin October 28, 2014, 10:36 am

      Thank you for your comment Seana. I am glad the website helped. :)

  • Xynthia October 27, 2014, 9:37 pm

    Kevin,

    My boyfriend just broke up with me. I couldn’t handle it well. I kept crying and crying.
    I keep telling myself not to message him. I have no one to turn to now. I stop contacting my friends ever since i was with him.
    But it was all my fault. I lied to him about some things. I came clean with him and he said we can go through this together, but no. he said it’s too late.
    I really want him back and really want to prove to him that i have changed.
    What can i do now ? I have no one to confide in.

    • Kevin October 28, 2014, 10:38 am

      Follow the plan Xynthia.

  • Ben October 28, 2014, 9:36 am

    My wife and I have had a rocky marriage, but we just kept going. Finally, in frustration, I walked out almost a year ago. Since then in an effort to reconcile, I’ve broke all of your rules. I’m really hoping to ge back home, I miss my wife and children desperately.

    • Alec November 2, 2014, 9:48 pm

      I like what u said and I just saw my ex I guess what u call it dancing with another kid I know and it was hard to see but I liked what u said. Ps thankyou!

  • Sarah45 October 28, 2014, 12:26 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    I have asked a question on this comment board before, but my question was never answered so I hope you have a chance to help me this time.

    I was in a 2 year relationship. I don’t know if it is important to mention, but I was in a gay relationship, so my ex is a woman (in case it matters in terms of your feedback). Our relationship was very rocky and we were one of those couples who was on and off every two months. This on and off behavior started on the 2nd year of the relationship. And it created a lot of issues that we never worked through. Insecurity and lack of trust being the primary ones. Any argument we had would create a huge issue, we couldn’t find a way to work through our problems, which in turn the solution always was – breaking up.

    We have broken up again, for the 4th time. This time it feels like it is for good, but I have felt like other times were for good as well and we ended up getting back together. This time she was more determined and it just felt like there was no turning back. It has been two weeks since the break up now. The first week went by and I did relatively well not contacting her, but then saw that she may be going out with someone else and I reached out to her within a week of the break up. I realized that it was a big mistake to have contacted her, to have told her I still lover her, beg her not to leave, etc… So I stopped contact and haven’t spoken with her since.

    My question is – how does this plan work for a relationship that was so on and off? Do you believe I should give it more time than 30 days of no contact? Do you think I should move on? Any advice would be appreciated.

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 6:01 am

      Hey Sarah,

      Yes, I do recommend your no contact should be more than 30 days. Preferably 2-3 months. On and off relationships are unstable for a reason. And unless you are sure of the reason and are sure that you will be able to fix it this time, you shouldn’t get back together. She will still have feelings for you after 2-3 months. Especially if she is in a rebound right now. So, I don’t think you should really worry about her moving on. If arguments were your biggest issue, you can solve it with a little bit of work. Try reading “Non – Violent Communications” By Marshall Rosenberg. Or try getting individual therapy to solve any underlying issues you might have.

  • hearttrick October 28, 2014, 3:47 pm

    hey kevin what if you start sending text messages then she replies to the first once and later doesn’t reply anymore

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:56 am

      Back off for a couple of weeks and try again.

  • lara smiles October 28, 2014, 4:37 pm

    great job

  • Jake October 28, 2014, 4:55 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    After only 3 days of no contact. My ex initiated a conversation. She called. I didn’t answer. After the call I got a text. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. Have a good night. She said she found someone else. And she doesn’t want a relationship. Blah blah. What should I do?

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:56 am

      Don’t reply. If she keeps on calling and texting, tell her you need some space right now.

  • Alondra October 28, 2014, 5:21 pm

    what if your ex texted you first saying they miss & want you back in those 30 days, do you reply?

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:55 am

      It’s up to you. If you think you need some space, then you should tell them you need space right now. And hopefully after some time you both can figure things out. If you are absolutely sure getting back with your ex is a good idea, then you should take them back.

  • CNN October 29, 2014, 3:09 am

    Hey Kevin, I’ve already submit a message but apparently it didn’t go through.
    I find this site very helpful and it makes sense. But I would like to have proof it actually works? I mean, there must be reviews about the matter?

    • Kevin October 29, 2014, 5:42 am

      Hey CNN,

      You can read the testimonials page here. There are also a few success stories in the comments section but they might be a little hard to find.

  • hailey October 29, 2014, 8:08 am

    Hey Kevin

    I really need help, I been trying to post this but nothing has ever gone through and im desperate and in need of help I have a daughter involved in all this please. I been with my ex for 5 years and we just recently broke up (technically we didn’t break up we got into a fight and he just completely ignored me and I found out 2 days later after our fight through Facebook he started dating someone else) I really don’t know that to do I love him so much and he still hasn’t even contacted me, not even our 2 1/2 year daughter. I really want out family back I been depressed I cant eat or sleep and lost 15 pounds in just 3 days. What should I do? Pleas e Kevin help me.

    And also I filed for child support on him since he wont even get ahold of me to help out with her. Does that ruin my chances of getting him back.

    and by the way he’s 24 and I’m 25

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 12:01 pm

      Hey Hailey,

      I am sorry you are going through this. It’s OK that you filed for child support. You still have a chance. Follow the plan.

  • jawa al assad October 29, 2014, 2:22 pm

    i find your advice perfect but there are some points were i didn’t know what to do because they did not match my situation like the no contact time
    we already lost contact and i’ve already used two deadly mistakes the last one was that i text ed him apologizing for my mistakes since it was my fault and he replied in a very mean way
    and after couple of days i texted him “to check on him” and he didnt reply
    p.s his freinds with my sister and they call and text couple of times a week
    and he is the kind of men who realy are stubborn
    any advice on how to do the no contact time and the hand written letter i cant do that because he is in the army and he is always on the job
    he takes off couple of hours a day to hangout and thats it
    HELP :(:(:(

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:16 pm

      Just start no contact again for at least 30 days and instead of a hand written letter send an email.

  • rohit melvin October 30, 2014, 12:01 am

    Hi mema,

    Can’t you approach you ex directly instead of taking and knowing through bff .bff can play a game her he might also don’t want you together her as you look very beautiful (mema).may be bff is very jelious that he got a beautiful girl friend as he didn’t . as you want to marry her just talk to him approach him and know . is the boy very handsome or establish than you ex whom you are going to date now. I wish you are not maria i.e.(mema) .

    • Mema November 14, 2014, 5:00 pm

      thanx for reading my story .. I will not worry that his bff os gonna hit on me because he’s gay .. but he think we are bad influence on each other .. so he thinks that we are better off this way .. :)
      thanx alot

  • Yash October 30, 2014, 9:36 am

    We broke up a week ago..
    My girlfriend said she doesn’t love me anymore and she is completely over me..
    I did all which was possible(begging and asking for a second chance)
    I was way too possessive I agree which led to this.
    Is is possible to get her back when she has said that she is completely over me?

    Our relationship lasted for 4 months.

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:27 pm

      There’s still a chance still. Follow the plan.

  • Joe October 30, 2014, 1:40 pm

    What would you say about veiwing your ex’s profile even if your doing the “no contact”

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:23 pm

      You should try not to obsess over it. IF you can’t help yourself, it’s best to unfriend them, or remove yourself from facebook altogether for a while.

  • Tom October 30, 2014, 2:43 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I sent the Magic Letter five days ago. I’ve had no contact for five weeks. She has not called or contacted me yet. Not sure how to proceed or if she will contact me. Need some guidance.

    Tom

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:23 pm

      Send a text after a couple of days.

  • Tyler October 30, 2014, 6:44 pm

    Where is the right section to tell our history, can you please tell me? I’d like to share my feelings, because i need to move on or change this situation. Something.

  • t.s October 31, 2014, 11:37 am

    This does not cover what to do when your boyfriend leaves me while our relationship has been great for a year and he loves you, for his first love who comes back 10 years later and wants another chance. that first love is powerful and he broke up with me and now they are going to see if it will work. how do you deal with that one? how can their ‘old young love’ work out anyway if it has been over 10 yrs and she has been married and divorced and they are different people? he is telling me he has to find out if he made a mistake all those yrs ago and that he has loved her his whole life?

    • Kevin October 31, 2014, 1:29 pm

      Hey t.s,

      I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I think there’s nothing you can do except wait it out and see. Just do no contact for a couple of months. IF after that you still want him, despite the fact that he left you for a “what could’ve been”, then you should contact him. You will probably get an idea if his new thing is working out and if you have a chance. At that moment, you can realize if there’s a chance or you should move on.

  • danny October 31, 2014, 6:46 pm

    What if you still live together. How to go from there.

  • Tom November 1, 2014, 10:38 am

    Kevin,

    Its been almost six weeks with no contact. Sent the Magic letter a week ago. No response. So I sent a nice text saying I sent a letter, and I hope you are able to read it. It is not sent in anger, just my feelings. Then I wished her a Happy Halloween with her daughter. Our kids have bonded too it is hard missing them so much. Not sure what else to do. The end of the letter said goodbye and good luck as suggested. I think she is really upset by that but I don’t know since there has been no response. Any guidance?

    Thank you,

    Tom

    • Kevin November 3, 2014, 7:10 am

      Wait 2-3 weeks, send the text mentioned above. If still no reply, then you should seriously consider moving on.

  • Laci November 1, 2014, 1:35 pm

    i think i can handle all the steps that you have kindly provided. my question is what if you have babies involved, one of them being 4 and is very aware of that person now being gone? and what crazy messages youve sent back and forth (being desperate and needy) have been hate messages?

    • Kevin November 3, 2014, 7:11 am

      You can apologize about the hate messages after no contact is over. And read this article for your question regarding babies.

  • Helen November 3, 2014, 4:52 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I posted before but got no answer please please I really really need your advice :( I’m desperate.

    We’re both 24 and he broke up 2 month ago. It was painful and messy I was needy and basically made all the mistakes. Went into no contact for 3 weeks tried to follow the plan then broke it last night.
    After 4 years he says he doesn’t love me anymore and hate that he doesn’t because it hurts me and him.
    He says (after I broke nc after 3 weeks) that we can’t be friend yet because he knows I didn’t let go (I hate myself so much for breaking nc) that maybe when he sees that I’m happy maybe even we someone else we can think .
    We dont live in the same town, I’m so mad at him and myself and sad how long do I wait, or do I wait till he contact me ? Is there still hope?

    Thank you

    • Kevin November 3, 2014, 7:17 am

      Do no contact again and follow the plan. Do not contact him unless you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.

      • Helen November 3, 2014, 11:04 am

        Thank you for this advice I’ll do my best. I feel so stupid because I was finally getting myself out of this post breakup depression and now it feels like back to stage 1.

        Why does he wants me to find someone else, is there still hope? I’m worried he is gonna move on after that next NC :(

        • Kevin November 4, 2014, 4:35 am

          He won’t. People say that all the time after breakup. But don’t really mean it.

          • Helen November 10, 2014, 6:41 am

            Thank you for your replies,
            One last follow up question, he says he doesn’t want to see me yet because it hurts, what does he mean by that, what exactly hurts.

            Does it means some feelings are still involved on his side?

          • Kevin November 10, 2014, 7:02 am

            The breakup hurts Helen. Yes, it means he still has feelings.

  • Joshua November 3, 2014, 11:46 am

    Your advice has been very influential on me as a man. I thank you for this.
    It NEVER occurred to me that the reason my ex girlfriend was calling me days after SHE initiated the break up saying things like “Just calling to check up on you” or “I’m just making sure you’re holding up” is simply her admitting that she’s thinking about me without actually saying it.

  • Xender November 3, 2014, 12:20 pm

    I don’t think my comments are going through…

    • Kevin November 4, 2014, 4:38 am

      Sorry Xender. For questions, I usually recommend posting in the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I only accept a few of them.

  • Ton November 3, 2014, 3:43 pm

    Hey Kevin
    what should I do if i see my ex on the street passing me?
    should i talk to her?

    • Kevin November 4, 2014, 4:42 am

      Depends. If you have eye contact, you can nod and say hi. If it comes to the point where you have to have a conversation, then keep it short and don’t talk about anything personal.

  • Ishika November 4, 2014, 12:36 am

    I don’t want him back , I just wanna show him that I m really happy without him and if he comes back to me I will take my revenge, I will accept him and then break up with him the very next day….. :)

  • Ben November 4, 2014, 8:22 am

    Ok, so i am in quite a tricky situation.

    Me and my girlfriend split a little over a month ago, more on her part. Before this we met in Australia and when she left i felt i needed to see her again, so the option arose for me to fly back to her country ( Sweden) and live with her. We had been together for a year and a half before we split but i think there were cracks showing in the relationship maybe a year into it. To make things worse i lost my job in the same week we split and right now i can’t even move out into my own place because of this. She wont kick me out because she’s a kind loving person like that, she still loves me but not like she used to so i know i have something to work on. My problem is that i feel like we cant even have this 30 days cool off period because i can’t get away from her! Of course when we first split naturally i felt like i never wanted to move out, i wanted to do all i could to win her back but it mainly resulted in me being upset in front of her. Before reading this article i can honestly say i’m guilty of a lot of the things i shouldn’t have done that are listed above, never mind!

    So like i say, it’s a tricky situation!

    Any help would be appreciated

  • Mema November 4, 2014, 9:31 am

    Hey Kevin ..
    I know I made a mistake .. but I need your advice ..
    (Me and my ex were together for 3 years .. last one we went on and off .. and we had so many fights)
    so .. after a month of the break up .. (I contacted him once in yhat month) .. I decided to give myself another shot .. so I called him.. he said he want me out of his life for ever. . That I’ve lost my chances with him .. and he can’t forgive me anymore .. and he doesn’t want me to be his friend :(
    We talked for half an hour .. then he got mad .. and hang up on me:(
    So .. i sent him a message .. telling him that I want to talk to him tomorrow .. he refused .. we ended up texting back a couple of messages .. then he agreed to talk on Skype .. I asked him a couple of questions .. and asked him to be honest .. he agreed .. so this how it went :
    -do you miss me sometime?
    -him: yes ..
    -do you think about me?
    -him: sometimes
    -do wish that the last year didn’t went like this?
    -him : yes .. but it happened .. it’s too late .. it didn’t matter anymore
    -have you ever imagined how things would be if the ladt year didn’t happened?
    -him: of course “and he talked about how he thought it would be ” :(
    – did you believe that before the last fight we could make things different?
    -him: yes .. I wish we could handle it back then ..
    -I know now .. I pushed you away ..
    -him : yes you did .. but it doesn’t matter anymore ..
    -did you like my new look?
    -him : yes .. you are beautiful
    -am I still the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen ?
    – him : yes you are ..
    we talked for hours ..
    I told him I didn’t like his profile picture on whatsapp (it was a picture of him with one of his female friends) so the next morning he changed it .. he put a picture I took for him on our graduation day ..
    and he talked if I ever thought of having sex with him .. I told him yes on our wedding day .. and I talked about how romantic it would be when we finally get married .. we laughed alot .. and it was nice to talk to him again ..
    but after that .. we agreed to talk on the next morning ..
    on the next morning he had to go and do something .. so when he got back .. he told me that he wasn’t comfortable with talking to me ( it’s a lie .. he was happy .. I know him enough to say that )
    And he want me out of his life forever .. and he’ll take his time to think if we can be friends again .. but just friends .. we will never be anything more :( ..
    So I asked him not to block me .. and I told him that this will be my way to show him how serious i am to win him back .. he agreed ..
    and now .. I can see him online all the time .. I assume that he’s talking to a new girl .. because he hates talking on IM .. and yesterday he was up till 5 am .. he rarely stay up like this when we were together (even if I stayed up .. he used to go to sleep early .. but early in the relationship .. he stayed up late for me ) .. but now he can stay up late ? :(
    I’m afraid that he’s talking to a new girl .. and they aren’t in a relationship yet .. that’s why he want me out of his life .. so I don’t effect his relationship with her .. and that’s why he’s staying up late ..
    I know I shouldn’t check up he’s last seen .. but I just can’t help it ..
    what do you think Kevin?

    • Mema November 4, 2014, 9:40 am

      And yes .. I asked to be his friend .. and I used this text from the RR
      (So i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said, and you’re right, things haven’t been the same between us. We both feel it and i’m actually grateful you were honest enough to bring it up. I think I had known that we were growing apart for a while, but part of me didn’t want to admit it because I was trying to hold onto the idea of all the good times we did have together. And that’s when I realized that we really do have an awesome time just hanging out. But we overcomplicated something great by adding a relationship . That’s why I think it’s a much better idea for us to Must be friends, don’t you agree?)
      I sent it .. and I told him to take his time to decide if he want us to be friends .. :(
      And that I won’t contact him anymore .. unless he talks to me ..
      and I told him to till me when he reads it (he didn’t) .. and now his online all the time and stuff .. and I’m scared :(
      What do you think Kevin?

      • Kevin November 5, 2014, 4:00 am

        Mema,

        Your conversation with him made it quite obvious that you are still needy and seeking his approval. It’s good that you told him that you want to be friends and told him that you will not contact him. I’ll suggest you keep your distance for now and stop obsessing over him. Unless you can get rid of your neediness, he won’t be attracted to you again. I’d also suggest you go on a few dates.

        • Mema November 5, 2014, 4:16 pm

          I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I’m cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I’m trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it’s because I miss him so much :( .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace :-D
          And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he’s someone important in my life :) ..
          And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can’t remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too ..
          But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation?
          He’s sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn’t comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me?

          • Mema November 5, 2014, 4:19 pm

            And how can I get rid of my neediness? :(

  • Danny November 4, 2014, 10:40 am

    Hi, Great advice but i have a question. Me and my partner have a child together after a 3 and a half year relationship. We’ve been apart 8 weeks now and of coarse with our child involved am finding it ever so hard to stick by your guidelines. i know its right what your saying… but i still have to make some sort of contact with my girlfriend to see our child. What would you suggest is the best way forward? Danny

    • Kevin November 5, 2014, 4:00 am
      • Danny November 14, 2014, 8:13 am

        Hi Kevin, not so long on but a little update and some advice required please: The no contact rule has been pretty straight forward to follow, however i have tried to communicate with her to see our Daughter and have discovered that she has blocked my calls and texts anyway. Obviously disappointed with regards seeing our child. I feel as tho she is perhaps using our child as bait now. However a week on from this I’ve been out the last few days with a friend from work for a few beers and a few meals which is a lot easier than eating at home on your own. Each time I’ve checked into the location via Facebook and i believe my ex has been monitoring this. Yesterday she called me and we spent an hour on the phone talking about things in general and conversation got complicated towards the end as her son cam home from school. Suppose the conversation was awkward ??? But what came later on were telephone calls about how anxious she was feeling and how she had dropped her phone in water and was asking me for advice on what to do. i politely recommended what to do and said ‘il speak to you soon’. What then followed were messages via Facebook messenger thanking me and going on to ask what am i doing? She claims that she’s not feeling very good tonight and her nerves are really bad. Am i on a date? i stated that i had felt that way for some time and she said its the first time she felt like this and is obviously hurt and gutted that we didn’t work out but it wasn’t good for us or the children to carry on our relationship. i asked her y all of a sudden does she feel like this? to which she replied ‘i don’t know’ was you with someone last night????? i said that i was shocked of her asking me this all of a sudden after 2 months! she said she doesn’t know and persisted to ask me if i was with someone and that her body felt terrible???
        I then thought about the no contact rule and ignored. Woke up this morning to be greeted with more messages saying that i havnt answered her and to tell her the truth and she felt that something was strange, followed by the ever more – hello , hello hello , are you still there???? and approx 7-8 phone calls this morning on my way to work which i ignored also. Finally she stopped and has since blocked me on Facebook and i have no way of contacting her again. This afternoon at lunch i couldn’t help but call to leave a voicemail to only say that i had missed your calls this morning and if you would like to chat then call me. Wrong of me perhaps, but i couldn’t help it after thinking that perhaps she has strong feelings still ???? i don’t know, I’m so confused. Please Help.

        • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:32 pm

          Hey Danny,

          She is going throw the breakup pain which many people feel only when they realize that their ex is not waiting for them and finally moving on. If you are still in no contact, continue it. Do not discuss your personal life with her yet. If she calls again, answer her, be polite and tell her you need some space and time right now and you will be in touch with her later.

  • Felix November 5, 2014, 12:14 am

    Hey Kevin,

    me (male, 28) and my ex (female, 22) had been longtime very, very close friends (seven years) before we got together. She ended her lesbian relationship (duration: 7 months) and finally we got together. But after two months (one month ago) she decided to break up with me and get back together with her former girlfriend (31). Because we had been so close before our relationship, she didn’t left me all alone after the break-up. We met several times and both of us enjoyed the time together (at least she said so and there is no sign she was lying). Now, of course I did all the mistakes you describe in your article but nonetheless we’re still in close contact. I think it’s finally time for the no-contact-rule. But she will definitely contact me because we have been in close contact since the break-up. Should I answer her text with a short note like “I need some time off. See you.”? It would seem strange and rude not to answer.

    Any help would be appreciated!

    Felix

    • Kevin November 5, 2014, 4:02 am

      Yes, it’s OK to tell her you need some time and space.

  • Luke November 5, 2014, 2:39 pm

    My ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago, the first 3 or 4 weeks i acted so needy and desperate at least a couple times a week. She said she just wants to be friends, and that she still cares about me. She started liking someone new a few weeks later. I’ve gone no contact for a week, in a few weeks i will send a letter to her. My problem is she is so stubborn and she says that she doesn’t want to get back together because it might not work out. I’ve tried to convince her but no luck, will i have a chance at getting her back?

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:01 am

      Yes, follow the plan.

  • Abduraghman November 5, 2014, 4:48 pm

    I am 26 and my fiancé is 30. She broke up with me on Friday. We are together for 7 years and 1month. But we engaged for a year and a month now. She don’t want anything to do with me and wants nothing from me. The reason she broke up with me was, she said I am obsessed and immature. There were things I was doing which she did not like.
    She told me it’s over for good this time but I want to make things right by making the changes in my life. There is a new friend that she is chatting with he is now only 20 years old. They saw each other for the last two days. She also told me she feels something for him.
    Kevin I need your help please anything will do.

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:04 am

      I answered you here.

  • Bailey November 5, 2014, 4:55 pm

    Hi Kevin, my girlfriend and I broke up about two weeks ago, things were going ok, we had some issues but had worked them out, then about a week later she told me she still definitely loved me and didn’t know if she wanted to get back together but she wanted some space. She is going through a really stressful time in her life, and I mean real stressful. I was wondering what approach I should take in order to get her back. Thanks!

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:04 am

      Give her the space she needs and use that time to make some positive changes in your life.

  • bruce November 6, 2014, 9:05 am

    Hi, I posted a comment here a few days ago, but only after I read to post on board. Can you please answer it here and the next will go there? Thank you. I’m the one with the 5 month old and she has a bf. Wanted to add she normally doesn’t go out and date like that and she has ben acting very different over this timenwd normally after a great day with me and our son she flips the next day and acts very neg towards me.

    • Kevin November 6, 2014, 10:16 am

      I answered you here.

  • Sunav November 6, 2014, 11:11 am

    MY ex broke up with me citing reason that her parents would never ever accept me and she wants no more troubles and is looking for new love. I made mistake to talk to her asking her to come back. But can i start the no contact period from now onwards? about a week after our break up?

    • Kevin November 7, 2014, 4:22 am

      Yes you can.

  • Gemma November 6, 2014, 4:24 pm

    Me and my ex was dating for two and half years and have been split up for 3 Weeks. We split up through his choice but have had a rocky time recently. I have done the begging/ texting part. Really trying to stop that by find it so hard. Met up with his last week was amazing he couldn’t stop kissing me telling me him loves me. Now he feels that he can’t see a future with me and that becomes before everything else still States he loves me and can’t bear changing his profile picture of us. Planning to meet this weekend to discuss but of course no promises and doesn’t think we have a future. I have suggested dating again but feels would end the same. How can I show him that I realise things need to change and we can be happy?

    • Kevin November 7, 2014, 4:23 am

      Follow the plan. Start making changes and let him realize it by himself.

  • sam November 6, 2014, 6:37 pm

    My ex said the reason we broke up is the i didnt show that i liked him. He said he felt that our relationship was fake. And to be friends again.and he said nothing can change his mind. What should i do?

    • Kevin November 7, 2014, 4:23 am

      Follow the plan.

  • Alice November 7, 2014, 4:17 am

    Hi kevin
    My boyfriend brokeup with me about 1 month ago.
    Unfortunately i didnt act well, i kept no contact just for 10 days and after that i called him while we both were not ready,i asked him to see him on that day but he told me that he will call me back , after that he didnt call me , so i called but his phone was off
    After two days i text him and told him that i wanted to have new relationship with u but it seems that u dont want to, so have a good life .
    And after a day he answered me that i think it doesnt work its better to be good friends for each other… Good luck
    After a week we saw each other we were face to face after 30 seconds he told me hi i answered then i continued my way
    Now i want to know your opinion about if is there any chance to get him back or not
    Do you think its over?? :(
    I will be really appreciate you if you answer me…

    • Kevin November 7, 2014, 4:27 am

      There’s a chance. Follow the plan.

  • Dan November 7, 2014, 11:38 am

    Hey Kevin I commented yesterday and need help by this weekend! but i’m not sure my comment went through?

    • Kevin November 8, 2014, 3:19 am

      Hey Dan,

      Please post on the message boards. The comments here are heavily moderated and I don’t usually approve them.

      • Dan November 8, 2014, 11:32 am

        Ok thanks Kevin i will next time. Should I create Jealousy through social media to trigger my ex’s interest. This would be done by posting photos of me and my other ex hanging out this weekend, she was always envious of her. Thoughts

        • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:12 am

          If you decide to go that route, make sure you don’t make it completely obvious that you are trying to make it jealous. A better way would be to just post pictures of you having a good time and not with girls you know she is jealous of.

  • Mema November 7, 2014, 12:59 pm

    Hey Kevin ..
    I’ve posted here before .. you’ve recommended that I should stop being needy ( I don’t know how to do this :( ) .. and that I need to go on many dates ..
    Well .. I did go on a date .. but it felt uncomfortable and strange .. like I’m cheating on him ..(my date was boring too) and I’m trying to do my best to stop obsessing over him.. but it’s because I miss him so much :( .. and I now can give him his distance and time with peace ..
    And I feel like his opinion matters to me .. he’s someone important in my life :) ..
    And he asked me about my opinion about a certain thing (can’t remember what it was now) .. He says that it matters to him too ..
    But Kevin .. do you think that he still loves me after the conversation?
    He’s sending mixed signals .. (saying that he was happy talking to me .. then the next day he said he wasn’t comfortable and want me out of his life .. changing the profile picture because I did not like it .. saying that all what we can be in future is being friends .. etc) .. does this means anything? .. or say anything about his feelings towards me? ..
    and there was this thing .. a girl commented on his profile picture on Facebook .. she said ” you look nice ♡ ” . .
    many people commented on his photo .. but he replied to her .. and one more male friend of him :( ..
    I viewed her profile .. he commented on her profile picture too saying : “omg .. you look super nice”
    I’m afraid :(
    I don’t want to lose him :( ..
    Does this mean anything?
    And what about our conversation? .. does ot till anything about his feelings towards me?
    And one last thing ..
    I changed my profile picture on whatsapp 3 days ago .. yesterday he sent me an IM .. saying that he liked it . . Today I said thanx .. and that was it :(
    What do you think Kevin?
    I’m confused and afraid :(

    • Kevin November 8, 2014, 3:22 am

      He still has feelings for you. I think you should do more no contact since you are still needy. The best way to get rid of neediness right now is to make a lot of positive changes in your life. As mentioned in the Step 2 and 3.

      • Mema November 8, 2014, 2:12 pm

        Well I did all of them .. I even got a job .. a new look .. went on a date .. I passed the exam for master degree .. I volunteered.. I go to gym “even before the break up” .. I’m already the best version of myself .. and actually .. to be honest .. I’m way out of his league !! .. Everyone is telling me that!! ..
        But still .. I want him ..
        I miss him alot
        Even when I’m out with my friends .. I think about him ..
        I’m not contacting him .. as I promised .. but I’m afraid that he knows we were bad together the last year .. and he knows he has feelings for me .. and he won’t talk to me because of this .. untill he’s completely over me and he’s with someone else ! :(
        and his friends have bad influence on him .. because they don’t think we should be together ” we are from different religions… it wasn’t a problem for us ..but i believe that his friends are effecting on him so we don’t get back because of this :(
        What should I do in this case?

        • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:14 am

          In that case, give yourself some time away from him. At least till you accept that you have broken up and there’s a chance you will never get back with him. You should do no contact until you are OK with this. It will take time. Till then, continue living your life. Go on a few more dates. Go out with friends. Just try to enjoy your life as much as you can.

      • Mema November 11, 2014, 12:47 pm

        Hey Kevin ” the miracle maker” ..
        Well .. Finally .. I’m talking to my ex again .. after blocking me and saying that he want me oug of his life .. etc ..
        We started talking on whatssapp 2 days ago .. we shared intimate moments … and romantic talks .. even some sexy talks :$
        so .. it was good .. but yesterday we had a small argument .. so he got super mad over nothing “I couldn’t talk to him on skype” .. He said that I’ll never change .. and that I always do what’s best for me and I never considered him .. and he went offline .. so .. I sent him a sms .. I was the mature one .. I didn’t sound needy or anything .. and I respected his wish to storm off .. so after 10 minutes he came back apologising ..
        today .. we talked again on whatsapp .. we laughed .. and we had fun ..then I was telling him about this guy who is going to propose to me in a traditional way .. and then he asked me to talk to him on skype .. I refused .. I was busy .. then .. he was mean with me .. he was acting differently .. then I asked him if we are gonna go with our friends when he comes to my city next week .. so .. he got super mad .. and angry .. he told me that he will not answer now .. because he doesn’t wanna say anything that he’ll regret about later!!!!
        He asked me to go to sleep a little because I was tired .. and I did ..
        what do you think is happening?
        I know .. you said in your emails it’s normal .. but am I doing anything wrong here? .. I yold him how great my life is now .. and he’s doing nothing at all.. just having fun with his friends .. did this bothered him? .. how exactly should I be with him?
        I don’t wanna lose my chances to get him back :(
        And one more thing .. we were talking yesterday .. about a thing ..so he said that we will never get married .. like he was making sure that I don’t think about him as more than a friend :(
        What do you think?

        • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:38 am

          Hey Mema,

          Just make sure you don’t lose your temper and are always calm and mature. He is confused. Let him be confused. He will try to get a reaction out of you. Don’t give it to him. Know what you want in life and don’t compromise just because he is angry or throwing a tantrum. Always put yourself before him.

          About the marriage thing, he was probably trying to get a reaction out of you by saying that. If he feels the same after a couple of months being in contact with you, then you should give up hope and find someone else.

          • Mema November 14, 2014, 2:37 am

            Thank you Kevin .. but I think I’m in an evaluation period .. and I’m afraud to anything wrong .. so now whenever he got upset at me .. he storm off and go offline .. then I send him a message telling him that it’s not a mature way to solve anything and that he should go back online to hear my opinion :) .. so he does .. and we talk .. he’s like a child .. if he didn’t get what he want .. he gets mad .. yell at me .. and go offline till I send him a message .. so today I was upset .. he promised me to call me on phone .. and he didn’t .. do I told him that I’m disappointed and sad ..and as a joke I said that I won’t talk to him anymore with ” :-p” emoji . . he did nothing at all .. he saw the IM .. and he didn’t reply ..
            What do you think?
            And today he’s going to a party .. I think he has a set up date .. I’m not sure .. but he’s acting strange .. he didn’t talk to me .. he didn’t respond when I said I’m sad .. he did nothing!
            What do you think?

          • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:22 pm

            Hey Mema,

            You should not reward his child like behavior by giving him what he wants. If you do so now, you will be doing so for the rest of the relationship (if you get back together). Like I said before stay calm and don’t let his hot and cold behavior affect you. Do not compromise just because he is throwing a tantrum. You are not in an evaluation period. If you think so, you are being needy. In my opinion, you need more no contact.

          • Mema November 15, 2014, 3:23 am

            Kevin …
            I don’t know what happened yesterday! !
            so after telling him that I’m sad and upset .. he didn’t talk to me .. so .. he was online .. so I asked him what’s going on .. he said he’s busy .. ( we have a thing .. when he’s busy … I send him alot of messages .. because I know he can’t reply .. so I tease him :-p .. we always do this .. idk how to explain it .. but it’s funny)
            so this time he got upset .. he said that he’s busy and he’s talking to someone .. I said who? your girlfriend? .. he said :” I hope she will be soon” .. so I was shocked .. and I started to ask him about her .. how old .. when did they meet and where .. etc .. he sent me a picture of her and he didn’t reply to any of my questions .. he told me he’ll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok .. so .. he did .. he told me it was a joke .. and the girl is his friend .. but she means nothing to him .. so I told him : ” that’s good .. she’s not beautiful .. and make sure when you’re gonna date someone that at least she is more beautiful than me” .. he said that there is no one who is nearly as beautiful as me .. and I’m the best girlfriend he could ever dream of .. I said thanx
            then he apologised .. and asked to talk on Skype .. I said it’s too late .. and I’m going to sleep .. he got super angry .. he said : “you know I hate talking on whatsapp and you know how much this means to me .. yet you always do this! .. ” I said that I’m not in the mood and I don’t wanna talk on Skype ( I was upset because he didn’t care that I’m sad all the day .. and I did not want to reward this action ) .. so he got angry .. and he said that he’ll never ask me to talk to him on Skype again .. and I’m selfish .. I said that I respected his wishes when he was busy and he should respect mine .. so he said he will go to sleep to calm down and he’ll talk to me tomorrow .. I said ok .. but you started a fight for nothing and that he should ask himself if this reason is really important to ruin our evening? .. he ssid it is .. and he want me to leave him alone .. I did ..
            what do you think Kevin? ..
            did I did what you told me about not rewarding his child like behaviour and learning to say no to him and not always giving him what he wants?
            and I didn’t compromise because he’s angry ..
            os this good?

          • Mema November 15, 2014, 3:26 am

            and he’s coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or weae something completely new?

  • Col November 7, 2014, 9:07 pm

    Hi Kev,
    My ex has been calling me every 2 days during my NC basically to check up on me as I have been physically ill & signed off work for the past 3 weeks. She split up with me over a month ago with her reasoning being ‘she need to get happy, but alone’. I have been following your plan strictly as it has helped. But every time I receive a text or missed call, it sets me back again.

    I took your direction on contacting her by text “Thank you for your concern but I don’t want you to contact me for the time being- I’ll get in touch with you. I need space and time right now. I have arranged with Joe (brother) to have your belongings collected. x”.

    She replied with “ok that’s fine, I just wanted to know how you are and what your doing, how feather (our cat) is and what’s happening with her? Have you left Liverpool?”.

    My question is, do I reply? Or do I leave it as I asked for her to leave me for now?

    • Kevin November 8, 2014, 3:23 am

      I don’t think you should reply.

  • sana November 8, 2014, 5:49 am

    Hey Kevin,
    This really seems silly and would be the last thing I’d ever thought I’d do, but anyway.. Umm.. Me and My guy broke up because he found someone he feels “that’s closest he has felt towards love” and funnily its hardly been 2 months of them meeting up.

    He made out with me even after being in relationship with this girl. He wants me to stay friends with him. Tells me about the problems he has with her. Shows that he loves her. But tells me and her that I am the only person he’s closest to and he trusts! Whatever does that mean? :@ I am not an egomaniac but I wouldn’t go begging for him. Nor would I ever say I am miserable without him or bull shit. I do love him though (sigh!)

    I told him I don’t want to be “friends” with you. Because obviously I can’t change my love with whom I’ve been kissing and god knows what into OMG my Bestie.. lets just hang around and discuss your life issues! that’s ridiculous.

    I feel sad about it though. I know I am hurting him (and yes I know he did it too!) AAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh… 23 days of knowing it. 14 days of kissing him for the last time. 1 day of telling him that things won’t work the way you want to.

    Please help! i have no idea what I am doing. AND I FEEL ANGRY ALL THE TIME. (Almost like I am really carrying all the Voldemort horcruxes with me!)

    • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:10 am

      Follow the plan Sana.

      • sana November 16, 2014, 1:56 pm

        so this guy doesn’t look bothered :/ Can I ask some of my personal stuff that he has back?? Though I gave them as a gift! (I know asking a gift back is rude :P) I doubt if he misses me a tad bit.

        • Kevin November 17, 2014, 1:53 am

          Unless you really need that stuff, I would advise you don’t contact him until you satisfy the checklist in the beginning of step 4.

  • Jersy26 November 8, 2014, 9:55 am

    I have not contacted my ex since our break 1 week ago. However he has contacted me. Daily. And I have made the mistake of responding. My bad. I will stop. But can I just ask for my house keys back ? Or is that a no no to ? I legitimately need them to give to a friend to help me with my pets while I work. Should I just get new ones made ?

    • Kevin November 9, 2014, 10:11 am

      Yes you can.

  • J-Ap November 9, 2014, 5:56 pm

    Hey Kevin, I have subscribe to the emails and have been doing no contact for atleast 2 weeks, she have tried to contact me during the 1st week of no contact, I have not responded. The second time she contacted me was on its 2nd week, I have responded as what you suggest but no personal and emotional respond. She told me that she is miserable right now, but I am confused, not sure if its because of our breakup or because she have no chance with the new guy that she said she’s “”falling inlove with”” I do not want to contact her anymore. Is that the right thing to do? Do you think its because she is still not over me? Why do she need to contact me just to talk about that guy! Please advice my friend

    • Kevin November 10, 2014, 6:58 am

      She seeks approval and emotional support. Don’t give it to her.

      • J-Ap November 13, 2014, 12:46 pm

        Thanks Kevin!
        I messed up doing no contact when I responded to her, I still showed depression and signs of neediness. She wanted us to be friends even though she knew I was hurting. I don’t understand.

        • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:51 am

          Don’t be friends with her if you are hurting. Take time off and tell her you need some time for yourself to deal with the brekaup and maybe you can be friends again with her after that. Then do no contact.

  • Katherine Delaney November 10, 2014, 11:48 am

    So my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday saying I was the perfect girlfriend but he just wasn’t ready for a commitment (he moved onto me to fast he said). When I asked if there will ever be a chance in getting back together he said “I don’t want to give you that hope’
    I started getting into the picture after he broke up with a VERY serious girlfriend and she moved out, they were a toxic relationship where she cheated on him constantly. COULD I OF BEEN THE REBOUND RELATIONSHIP?
    We went through a lot to be together though, he was my older brothers close friend and my brother said no but we had such a connection that we did it anyway. He was the first guy I’ve ever trusted after I got raped and after my dad beat me, he knows that too. I was saving myself for marriage but I gave myself to him after a week because it felt so right.

    He said he can’t imagine his life without me and neither can I, we love each other but we were never in love. We didn’t have the time but we spoke very seriously about the future and even a family.

    We still are best friends so I’m nervous about the 30 no contact rule.
    He wants me as a best friend but I still desperately want him as a boyfriend.

    I want him back very badly, we had a perfect relationship we were only ever happy with each other and fights would last a max of 3hrs

    What should I do???

    • Kevin November 13, 2014, 6:48 am

      You should follow the plan Katherine. You need to do the no contact period and you need to learn to live a life and be happy without him. That’s the best way to get him back.

  • Roseana Wong November 10, 2014, 6:35 pm

    I just want to say this article is so true – it’s helping cope with my break up as we speak- its indeed the hardest thing to do with the NO CONTACT – like just the other nite I saw my ex with this girl – my friends and I were out drinking… And he and this girl was at the bar too.. I payed no attention to them cause I try to follow the rule of the no contact – it was recking ball when I saw them together but I put on my happy face – and then it’s not like she was worth it ./. I was more than happy I went out with my friends – I had a great time after all- thnks Kevin -

  • saree48 November 10, 2014, 6:39 pm

    Hi, so…

    I’ve bought Relationship Rewind and I’m at the point where I give both of us some space to breathe and become rational. I am already emotionally stable and though it is still early into the process, I have this underlying fweling he won’t contact me when “he is ready.” So what do I do then? I know you are not the one who made Relationship Rewind, but I don’t know how to enter into the “False Friendship” if he does not contact ME first, as the ebook instructs. Any ideas as to what to do if this does end up happening…?

    • Kevin November 11, 2014, 7:35 am

      If he doesn’t contact you first, you contact him after no contact period is over. Use the texts or letter mentioned in the above article to get back in touch.

  • Christine November 10, 2014, 10:09 pm

    Love Love this!!!! As I was reading the steps, I was wondering if I could still use this for my current situation. My ex and I have been broken up for a year now, but we continued to mess around, even when he was in a rebound relationship. A little while after I started the No Contact rule for 4 Months. I then texted him and during the conversation he asked me out to lunch. We went to lunch and after that we have been texting here and there. What do I do now?

    • Kevin November 11, 2014, 7:36 am

      Continue texting and hanging out. He will probably make a move after some time.

      • Chrstine November 11, 2014, 1:39 pm

        Sometimes it is hard to hang out with him because he is always busy. I dont like to always ask him to hang out when he says, “Oh I can’t because blah..” but if I wait on him to ask me out again I might be waiting for forever. And also while we were at lunch he mentioned how he cant trust girls anymore because of his past relationships and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at this moment, I kinda said to myself that he was giving me a heads up and to tell myself that we should just be friends and maybe go back to being best friends like we were before I don’t want to but it looks like I have no choice.

  • Christine November 10, 2014, 10:30 pm

    As I was reading others comment about their situation, they were very detailed. I felt that I was not, so here is a little background info to help you answer futher my last comment. My ex and I were together on and off for about a year and a half. I broke up with him, and he started dating another girl to try to get over me. When I found out and he tries to come back to me, I told him to go be w/the other girl. So he went back to her, I went back running.. you get the picture. There were times when he would take her out places and not me! Eventually I told him to leave me alone and don’t text me! Four months later,(Mind you, Changed my hair color/style, new job, gymlife, drew myself closer to God, went on dates here and there. I was good) I texted him a funny pic and the convo went on from there. While we were texting, every time I sent a text he would text back 1 minute later. He asked me out for lunch and eventually we went. What talked about what we been up to and he mention about his rebound relationship saying “That door didn’t stay open for long.” It was nice, just two friends catching up. After the date, we text here and there. During the NO Contact rule I barely thought about him. Now that I do, I realize I’m not over him! What do I do?

  • Lyndsey November 11, 2014, 5:13 am

    i really love this and I’m glad i read it especially the no contact rule. I think i should try it and see.

  • Maggie November 11, 2014, 7:16 pm

    My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me over a month ago and I did the no contact rule for 30 days and it seems to be working. He wanted nothing to do with me and now we’re having friendly text convos and he says he wants to hang out with me over Christmas break. I really want him back so how can I make him want me again if I hang out with him

    • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:40 am

      Just be confident when you hang out. Have fun and enjoy yourself. Don’t show any signs of neediness.

  • Mark November 11, 2014, 9:07 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I sent you a message a few days ago but, to date, I have not seen my comment published or received an answer from you.
    You may have reasons for not responding (???) but I would like to hear your expert advice on my current problem. Many thanks.

    • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:41 am

      Hey Mark,

      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of them. You should post on the message boards. You will get an answer much faster and the community here is very helpful.

      • Mark November 17, 2014, 12:01 am

        Hey Kevin,
        I did as you said. Wrote out my post once again and posted on the message board under ‘Reconciliation’. One week later….no replies! Nothing, zilch, zero.
        What a waste of time!!

        • Kevin November 17, 2014, 1:35 am

          Sorry about that Mark. I have replied to your forum post.

  • Jules November 12, 2014, 5:18 am

    Hey Kevin,
    what if my ex broke up with me, because I apparently I didn’t show much or enough interest in visiting him (it was long distance relationship) and he felt like he was boring me and I generally wasn’t committed enough? On the one hand he told me I’m the most understanding and lovely person he has ever known and that I shouldn’t blame myself for anything, on the other hand he is convinced of all the above. Although I really miss him, I can deal with not contacting him but wonder whether that would just prove his point…
    Also he is saying, he needs to sort himself out and while I respect that, I am also quite worried about him and would like him to know, that I’m here there for him but don’t want to push him either.
    I’m looking forward to your answer

    • Kevin November 12, 2014, 5:43 am

      Tell him that you won’t be contacting him as you both need some time. After that stay no contact and follow the plan.

  • Daniel Collis November 12, 2014, 6:51 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I recently lost the best thing in my life. My gf was amazing and yet im scared I have relised it too late. Everything has been great and we were so happy together. We went out for her friends bday and a guy she has history with was there. I had a few to drink and he had told my gf that I was going around telling everyone that my GF is understanding when im out with girls and flirting with girls. I have no idea where that came from and so in my drunken state I confronted him. He got defensive and we ended up scrapping. I got the better of him but ended up worse by the doorman involved. Since then my GF has ended things and wont even really allow me a chance to prove my worth.
    I am scared right now as I know I can be the one for her and dont want her to throw this away. Obviously I dont want to come across needy and pushy so im just scared what to do. We had been together for 2 years and she has completely erased me from her life.
    Thanks

  • Luke November 12, 2014, 10:09 am

    Hi Kevin, i want to thank you because all of the emails really helped me through my situation. In the past day i’ve realized i deserve better than my ex, her new boyfriend can have her! Plenty more fish in the sea, and i know i wouldn’t be feeling this way right now if it wasn’t for the self improvement advice!

    • Kevin November 13, 2014, 6:33 am

      That’s great Luke. All the best. :)

  • mark2828 November 12, 2014, 12:52 pm

    Can I send my ex flowers before the 30 day no contact period is over let’s say it’s been 2-3 weeks. And would this be a good first time form of communication with her

    • Kevin November 13, 2014, 6:35 am

      No flowers or gifts of any kind until you both are on the verge of getting back together or are already back together.

  • vs13 November 12, 2014, 4:07 pm

    Hey kevin, i would really like to thank you as you emails are a big help to me. I also wanted to ask you…that i just shifted houses and all her stuff is in one box which i kept aside. Should i have it delivered to her house or not? Please help.

    • Kevin November 13, 2014, 6:36 am

      If she asks for it, then do it. If she doesn’t, let it be there.

  • Christian November 13, 2014, 12:38 pm

    I have been thinking bout my ex a lot lately we haven’t talked in 2 months no contact and I messaged her today I told her I was sorry for the past and that something I seen reminded me of her all of a sudden she had a family emergency and said she would talk to me later should I message her later or wait to see if she does which I doubt will happen ??

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:50 am

      Wait a week. If she doesn’t message you, text her again.

  • The dude November 13, 2014, 1:23 pm

    Hey guys. Just wanted to drop a comment and say after 2 and a half months I got my ex back. She broke up with me and started dating someone else. This article is the best advice and it really is the truth. Just follow the plan, have confidence in yourself, and don’t give up! If I can do it so can anyone else! Goodluck to all and thank you Kevin.

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 2:00 am

      Thanks for the commend dude. All the best. :)

  • Christine November 13, 2014, 1:54 pm

    I come back on the website to check to see if you replied to my post, but I see you responding to everyone else’s post…

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 2:01 am

      Hey Christine,

      I am sorry but the comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve a very small percentage of comments. Since answering comments take a lot of time, I started the message boards where anyone can ask a question and get help from the community.

  • Evita November 14, 2014, 3:52 am

    Hi,
    I followed all the steps and was sooooo surprised when my ex, who lives abroad, asked if he can come to visit :) He seemed to be super excited about that idea and wanted to take a plane just the upcoming week. But… the next day he suddenly said, he cannot come, cause he is really busy. Didn’t mention any new dates, I do not wanna push.. I am totally confused :/

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:23 pm

      Do not push him. Do no contact for another month and contact him again.

  • sherlock November 14, 2014, 7:52 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I read this article (And most of the others on the site) about a month and a half ago. I just ended the NCP on Wednesday and followed all the guidelines you established for restarting contact. I got absolutely no response, not even the hostile sort. How would you recommend I proceed from here?

    If you want the details of the relationship I’d be more than happy to give them as well

    Chris.

    • Kevin November 14, 2014, 1:24 pm

      Hey Sherlock,

      I would recommend wait 2 weeks and send a message.

  • Michele November 14, 2014, 4:51 pm

    If you are not able to reply to my comment, can you kindly send me back what I wrote you and I will add to the message boards? Thanks!

    • Kevin November 15, 2014, 2:10 am

      I replied to you here.

  • Soyuz November 14, 2014, 10:40 pm

    Hi Kevin
    My ex sent me a gift certificate for my bday. She also texted me to wish me happy bday. Her bday is coming up. Should I give her a gift as well? She said that she felt lonely sometimes, but she always said this when we were together.

    • Kevin November 15, 2014, 2:13 am

      A text is okay. I don’t usually recommend sending a gift to an ex. But since she gave you a gift, I think it’ll be okay as long as it’s not too much expensive.

  • Mallory November 15, 2014, 1:14 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I’m just wondering, why do you recommend 30 days of NC and not 21 days NC? One of your emails said that 3 weeks is the peak of when your ex is missing you badly, so wouldn’t you want to send a text/email at that point?

    Also, you say the ‘missing you badly’ stage usually peaks around 3 weeks… is this post break up, or after I start NC?

    My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago, but I only started NC one week ago… Unfortunately I texted him too much, I did all of the wrong things after we broke up and just found your website one week ago.

    Does this mean he’s already past the ‘missing me badly’ stage, or will it take place a few weeks from now?

    Thanks in advance Kevin!

    • Kevin November 16, 2014, 2:13 pm

      It’s usually after you start no contact. The 30 days is just a guideline. The checklist at the beginning of Step 4 above provides a more comprehensive guideline on when to end no contact.

  • Mema November 16, 2014, 3:06 am

    hi Kevin ..
    well.. my ex is coming to my city tomorrow .. should I go out with him if he asks me? .. and if we do .. should I wear the necklace he gave me for my bday? and the perfume he got me? .. or wear something completely new?

    • Mema November 16, 2014, 3:21 am

      and one more thing .. he’s gonna be here for 3 days .. well .. we were talking yesterday .. we were very happy .. and had alot of amazing time .. but at last .. I adked him if he’s gonna see me when he comes .. he said yes .. then .. I told him that we should met every day because he has to pay me back for not seeing me the last time he was here .. so he said ok .. we will meet .. but not every day .. he’s going to see all his friends at the first day .. I said that he can see them .. but it’s not necessary to meet them all at his first day here .. he said he likes doing this .. and he’ll meet them all at the first day and he’ll meet me the next day .. and he was really angry .. he said I’m too demanding :( .. and we ended up fighting .. and I told him I’m not happy .. and that he really bothered me .. because whenever he wants something I do my best to do it for him .. but when I want something he doesn’t care !! ..so he said that I’ll never learn from my previous mistakes and I’m not gonna change ..
      we didn’t solve this argument .. and I’m not planning on talking to him this time !!
      what should I do in this case?
      should i call him to check if he’s arrived?
      or completely ignore him till he calls me? ..

      • Kevin November 17, 2014, 1:37 am

        Mema,

        My suggestion is the same a.z on the boards, you need time and need to make yourself scarce.

        • Mema November 17, 2014, 3:22 am

          so you think I shouldn’t contact him and do another month of NC? ..
          but I’m really feeling down and sad :( ..
          this might be his last visit to my city :(
          I want to meet him so bad :( ..
          I feel like he’s afraid of meeting me because he still have feelings for me :( .. that’s why he started this argument out of no where :( ..
          or that he’s just being mean :(
          idk .. I feel lost .. I finally got a chance to be his friend and hes ruining it by doing this !!
          I told him that if he respects me and he think of me as his friend he should contact me at least .. but he didn’t .. :(
          I feel like I’m his last interest in life and that he’s just having fun and I’m on his hook :( .. and he doesn’t care about me .. or respect me anymore :(

          • Mema November 17, 2014, 4:41 pm

            hi Kevin ..
            ok .. so .. he called me after sending him that message .. saying that he has to go somewhere at 5pm and he’ll meet me after that ( I found out that he was at one of our mutual friend’s house ) .. so at 7pm .. we met .. at first he was uncomfortable and cold ..he didn’t agree on going to the place we usually go to .. so we walked .. then we were talking .. I was teasing him and making jokes about his behaviour .. so he asked me to stop .. I didn’t .. and he was laughing .. then he hugged me saying that he missed me and we were too close so he kissed me :$
            we ended up making out :$ ..
            I know that was stupid of me .. but I really miss him ..
            so .. I told him that I hope this won’t effect our friendship .. and actually I was shocked of his answer .. he said that he always thought that we’ll work as friends with benefits !!!!!!!
            I was totally shocked .. I mean .. I thought this meant to him as much as it meant to me :(
            he always says that he do this with his special girl ..
            and idk why he did it with me!!!
            he said it feels right .. and it won’t effect our friendship :(
            so ..after that we went to have dinner. .. at last he said that he feels nostalgic whenever he comes to my city .. and everything remind him of me .. and he missed me alot and that he’s really happy that we met .. and the next time he’ll come .. we will spend all the time together .. and he kissed me and gave me a big hug ♡
            what do you think?
            are we really going to be friends with benefits? .. I don’t want this .. I want him back as my bf .. I hate this kind of relationship !!! :(

          • Kevin November 18, 2014, 4:24 am

            It’s a terrible idea to be friends with benefits. If I recall correctly, you didn’t want to have sex before marriage. Why is he assuming you will have sex with him without being in a relationship with you? Nevertheless, don’t agree to his demands. He can sense you are needy and desperate and is trying to use your desperation to his advantage. The only work around to this is to stop being desperate and learn to be happy without him. That’s why I recommended more no contact.

          • Mema November 18, 2014, 2:34 pm

            That’s right .. but he means that he can kiss me and make out with me .. nothing more .. we did thos when we were together.. and I think it was kind of my odea when I called him at the first time .. to use this as an ice breaker .. but I don’t want to ruin my chances .. and I want to let him down easy .. and keep our false friendship ..

          • Mema November 18, 2014, 2:36 pm

            and what do you think about the date in general?
            does he have any feeling for me?
            or he was just being nice?

          • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:14 pm

            He has feelings for you. If this is the extent of physical intimacy you can provide while being in a relationship, I wouldn’t recommend you even make out with him. If you do, he’d have no reason to commit. He already knows you are obsessed over him and will not start a relationship with someone else, he can have physical intimacy with you and he can date other girls and doesn’t have any responsibility that comes with a relationship. He has feelings for you, but he also knows he has power over you and he can use it whenever he wants.

  • Al November 16, 2014, 8:34 am

    So… what if we have a teenager together who desperately requires co-parenting? How exactly does this no contact situation apply then?

    • Kevin November 17, 2014, 1:38 am

      I’ve written about it here.

  • Anna November 16, 2014, 2:03 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex and I dated for 4 months and we are both in our mid 20s. He just broke up with me recently saying that he is unhappy and that we are not a good match because we have nothing in common and we fight often. These reasons don’t make much sense to me because they are not completely true. We have some things in common, we argue sometimes about very minor issues that can be easily resolved, and he has told me before that he is happy with me and takes me seriously. We always have a good time together, and he was very intimate with me even the night before he broke up with me. He has told me before that he doesn’t know what happiness feels like, and that he is always content with things. This was more of a general comment than a specific one towards our relationship. During our breakup he was being very cold and didn’t want to answer my calls, kept insisting that it was not working out and we had to go our separate ways, and that it was done. Him and I don’t share any mutual friends and I have no way of knowing what he is going through during the “No Contact” period. I have always had certain trust issues and I did bring those over into our relationship, but I am working on that and don’t wan to lose him over my own insecurities. Even though we were together for a short while, I still felt a great connection with him and felt so blessed to have him in my life as a significant other. I don’t want to lose him over things that I believe can be worked out. Do you think this program is going to work for me? If so, is there anything you would change for my specific situation. I am very broken hearted and would greatly appreciate your input.

    Anna

    • Kevin November 18, 2014, 4:28 am

      Hey Anna,

      Yes, the program might work for you. But I’ll recommend you don’t invest too much in him. Just try the no contact period once. Contact him. If he’s cold, then move on. 4 months is a short amount of time and it’ll be easy for you to walk away right now and invest in someone who is more willing to invest in you.

  • JodieTyrrell November 17, 2014, 9:38 am

    Hi Kevin, really hope you can help me! I have looked down all the comments and I can’t find a post that is the same as my situation really..

    So my boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago.. We have 1 child together and I have a child from a previous relationship who he has brought up as his own, when we broke up he said he wanted to remain friends and we were often talking and laughing, he helped me get my car fixed and we was on good terms, since then we have had a few bitter arguments and he basically told me he didn’t love me or feel anything about me or the relationship… He is always blowing hot and cold, sometimes not contacting me for days and then he will suddenly text me asking too come see the children and then try to initiate conversation, he even asks jokeling if I can make his tea when I am making ours, then he wil just suddenly not reply to my texts, he is now seeing somebody knew and told me he didn’t mention it because its not my business what he does as we are no longer together but made sure his cousin slipped it in to convo so that I knew…. He always slipped up that he was looking on my Facebook through a friend the other day… I’m at a total loss as to where we are in terms of Ryan’s book (deaths door or drift) and sometimes I feel like he could be at the indifference stage as he often says he feels nothing anymore apart from I’m the mother of his child and he respects me for that,
    I have now started no contact I just wondered where you think we are (deaths door, drift or indifference) and if you think we could salvage the relationship? I also can’t have full no contact due to him picking up the children twice a week but if o keep convo short and about the children could this still work?
    Really hope to hear from you soon! Thanks :)

    • Kevin November 18, 2014, 4:22 am

      You are at death’s door. You should do no contact. And yes, no contact will work with children if you keep convo short and only about children.

  • Raymus November 17, 2014, 5:59 pm

    Hay Kevin
    I did all the mistakes and now my ex gf blocked me on almost everything she only left watsapp about a couple days ago saying she don’t love me no more. But we had a serious relationship and I’m not sure if I can get her back you got any ideas??

    • Kevin November 18, 2014, 4:25 am

      Follow the plan Raymus.

      • Raymus November 22, 2014, 6:30 pm

        Thanks Kevin,
        By the way should I make the first move or wait for her to txt me first also I feel that I should txt her now I’m more emotionally stable.

        • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:36 am

          If NC is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4, then you should contact her.

  • khushali November 18, 2014, 3:34 am

    thank you kevin very beautiful article . thanks for the efforts

  • chris November 18, 2014, 11:08 am

    Hello Kevin, I have been using your plan for a few weeks. I am in no contact but every once and a while I see her because we have a lot of mutual friends. When we see each other I usually say hi and that’s about it but she acts very hostile in that it seems as though she is very uncomfortable around me. Is this a bad thing and should I do something about it?

    • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:09 pm

      Not a bad thing. You don’t need to do anything. Just continue the plan.

  • Cj November 18, 2014, 11:29 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I wrote to you about a week ago. I was following the no contact rule, but I explained when I wrote that my ex and i work together.
    Yesterday was my first day back at work with him and the break room was packed except for where he was, which is where I sat when we were together. I sat by him and said we didn’t have to talk there was just nowhere else to go.
    We wound up talking and he said he misses me. I told him i miss him too.
    Toward the end of the day i realized he had something of mine in his locker.
    I waited at the end of the day to ask him for it. He gave it to me and we walked to our cars together. We talked a little about work. He brought up how his son has been asking about me, and a we talked about his son for a little. Then he said “you haven’t been texting me…” And looked kind of upset. I just said, he said he needed his space, so I was giving him that, and to be fair i told him he wasn’t texting me either. We hugged when we said goodbye and he told me to text him when I got home, which I did. We talked well and even exchanged “good night” texts.
    This morning we walked into work together and everything went fine. He even told me i could leave my things in his locker again.
    I left early for a doctor appointment and left him a note (which I did any time i left early when we were dating, and he still had ALL of them in there) telling him to have a great day and signed it with my name and a heart.
    I texted him at lunch time to ask how his day was going and got no response. I sent one more right before his lunch break was over to say I was sorry if I said too much and that if he had time and wanted to text me later, he could. If not, we’d catch up.
    I’m wondering if maybe I overstepped even though he seemed excited to want to talk with me again.
    If he doesn’t say anything the rest of today and tomorrow when we both have off, I’m going to begin the no contact period again. I’m hoping i didn’t blow it.

    • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:11 pm

      You shouldn’t have ended no contact so soon. Start again. Even if he says something today or tomorrow, tell him you need space and start no contact.

  • Luke November 19, 2014, 6:53 am

    Hey Kevin,
    My apology letter worked well, she said it was lovely and it reminded her of some “cute times” we had together. She said it’d be nice to see me some time, I casually replied and said itd be nice if we met up. She seems a little too ok with the breakup so I don’t know what’s going on

    • KMY November 19, 2014, 1:53 pm

      Hey Luke,

      Can you please tell me what did you follow in writing the letter? I want to write a letter to my gf but do not know how and I do not want to make it worse.

      • Luke November 20, 2014, 10:22 am

        Hey, here are the things i covered:
        i started by apologizing for my behavior after the breakup, then i said “i understand why you just want to be friends and i accept that”. Then i apologized for one thing i did in the relationship before telling her how i’ve realized i need to be happier and more confident. I finished it off with some small talk which included happy memories. Basically do a quick sincere apology without bringing up all the things you did in detail, don’t seem desperate and bring up good memories. Whatever you do don’t seem like you want to get back together, just think of it as a message to an old friend. If you do it as well as i did you’ll have a chance to meet up like i now do :) good luck!

    • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:18 pm

      Different people deal with breakups differently. Don’t overthink it. Just follow the plan. All the best.

  • Salman November 19, 2014, 8:52 pm

    I’ve been blocked on whats app, viber , skype and even my phone number . I called her and even went to Berlin to see her . She used to beg me to see her . The only thing I can do is email her and possibly text her . I don’t see get or destiny of meeting her by accident happening as I live in London and she in Berlin . I went to her work even wrote her letter . I have no choice but to not contact her as have exhausted . I want closure and she won’t give it as I want to confront face to face . I called her like a mad man as was afraid she met another man. I’m doomed and so what if I stop contacting her because the phone is not going to work . How can see her and sit and talk to her and be attractive even on following your rule ? I have to stop contacting her but I’m in a destructive cycle . This is clearly and extream case messed up on the phone and distance does not help as well as being silent from her side it’s quite a pain and stake in the heart of theses facts against me . So?

    • Kevin November 19, 2014, 11:24 pm

      Hey Salman,

      You need a couple of months of no contact. There are a lot of ways to meet and contact her once no contact is over. Don’t worry about that just yet. Just start doing no contact and do what the article says in step 2 and 3.

  • Oscar November 20, 2014, 1:00 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago. I was blind sided and did the begging and pleading and got her to be friends with me which was her idea for 2 months.
    My ex is one of those independent, stubborn, single mother type who has baggage in terms of her father.
    After the break up she has compared me to her father, in terms of trying to fix the relationship and failing, and she has mad false things up about me to pick up the pieces and move on.
    The friendship was one sided. I was doing all the initiating and as time went one she started to disconnected from me and ignore my texts and calls.
    After 2 months she slowly started deleting things from our relationship on Facebook.
    Before I went on my No Contact period, I asked if we could have another chance at the relationship, and her answer was; I cant answer that right now. I’m sorry.
    Was she trying to spare my feelings? How long should I do No contact for?
    I’m on day 20 and do realize I truly love her and want her back, will following your plan work after I messed things up?

    • Kevin November 21, 2014, 6:37 am

      There’s still a chance Oscar and it’s worth trying. But always be prepared for the possibility that it might not work.

      • Oscar November 23, 2014, 12:49 pm

        Thanks Kevin, My 30 day no contact period ends in a week. I plan on texting her a few days after. How long should I text her before making the call to ask her for coffee? What if I text her and she ignores me?

        • Kevin November 24, 2014, 8:36 am

          It depends on her reaction to your texts. If she is warm, you can ask her out after a week or so. If she isn’t you will have to wait a couple of week to a month. If she ignores you, wait a couple of weeks and try again.

  • Helen November 20, 2014, 7:37 pm

    Please a little bit light would be great :(

    Is it a rebound if after a 4 year relationship, ex bf friend starts to be interested/and dating a girl he met out of the blue whilst he was drinking and partying to cope with the break up?
    Break up happened 2,5 months ago and he met her 2,5 months ago… Told me that he feels good with her at the moment and doesn’t know where it will lead, he decided to tell me that out of the blue, to “help me move on…”

    NC is all I have left to help myself

    Also, I though about deleting him from Facebook but we have about 50 common friends and I want him to see how good am doing latter on when I’m healed.

    Should I just remove myself from Facebook for a month to not obsess over him?

    Thanks !

    • Kevin November 21, 2014, 6:40 am

      Yes, it’s probably a rebound. If you find yourself obsessing over his facebook status and pictures, then you should remove him. If not, then there’s no need.

      • Helen November 22, 2014, 6:26 pm

        Thank you Kevin,
        I also don’t understand why he would tell me this and then add things like:
        “I won’t tell you her name (so that I don’t check her on facebook) but she is normal looking not prettier than you” and also “maybe its a rebound I don’t know where it will lead”
        Its killing me that he is saying those things without me asking and also pissing me off, what would you thing about those statements?
        Thanks for your help, I don’t know where I stand but all your work is helping me getting better :)

        • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:35 am

          He is giving you hope because he doesn’t want you to move on. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

          • Helen November 23, 2014, 12:20 pm

            This make sense.. He could have told me that ages ago, but he kept saying things like he will wait for some time and see how he feels towards me in the future. (whilst telling me to not hold to this and to move on…)

            Obviously he didn’t as he met this girl, but he then said that he didn’t tell me earlier because he though I would find someone else anyway in the meantime and that then he would have told me.. That makes NO sense. He keeps begging me to hate him, to block him from social media, to forget about him, yet if that’s what he wanted, he could have said that thing about that girl ages ago in order for me to hate him and HE could have blocked me and stop answering me. Apparently he didn’t sleep all night before deciding to call me and tell me that.

            I also wanted to add that after saying that to me, he cried a lot, told me he couldn’t move on nor live normally, that everything reminded him of me (can’t watch some series nor listen to some music anymore) and that he couldn’t spend a day without wondering how I was doing, that it needed to stop and that he needed to start living like a normal person.

            I am just amazed, how is that a situation in which you would want to start seeing someone new?? It’s killing me and I’m also mad that he though that after 4 years I would want to find someone else that fast (he said that so many people fancy me he though I would.. WTH, on what planet is he living?) T_T

            What do you think? You always manage to put sense in my head and help me carry on with a 2 sentence reply so thank you so much..

            Helen x

          • Kevin November 24, 2014, 8:35 am

            His reaction to the breakup is very common. And so is yours. I think the best way to maximize the chances of reconciliation is to follow the plan.

  • Junaid November 21, 2014, 2:44 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I read your article and advice and it was very helpful so .I signed up for Relationship Rewind site but I am not getting the same I am unable to find something I need to know right now. As I did all the mistakes and She told me to not contact her again and she got married 17 of last month.I did not contacted her ever since and I was hopeless until I read your article and all signs were as she is going into rebound relationship like she got engaged very quickly and their relationship building was extra fast. its been month now, today she messaged me saying Hi. I have not replied to her text yet.I wants to know what shall I do now? Please help me to get her back with advice.

    Many thanks
    J Abbas

    • Kevin November 21, 2014, 6:44 am

      Hey,

      To be honest, if she is married, then you are better off moving on and not replying to her anymore. Even if it is a rebound, you will be entering a lot of unnecessary drama and complications by trying to pursue a married girl. It’ll much easier to find someone else.

      • Junaid November 21, 2014, 12:13 pm

        Thanks for getting back , What if she asked me after early stages of her marriage that if her relation will not work with her husband than she will contact me and asked If I will accept her.

        • Kevin November 22, 2014, 5:27 am

          Tell her she contact you once she gets a divorce and if you are single at that time, you will consider. But you will not be a part of her life as long as she is married.

          • Junaid November 22, 2014, 7:50 am

            Thanks

  • Mema November 21, 2014, 3:31 am

    Thanx for your advice Kevin ..
    well things started to get really difficult and different since he got back to his city .. at the first 2 days he was amazing .. and pretty nice to me .. but now .. he hasn’t spoken to me since 2 days .. he’s avoiding me .. I called him the last night ( actually I wasn’t calling .. I was just checking if he’s phone is off .. because I sent him a message but didn’t get the delivery report .. so I called and he picked up immediately).. he said that he will talk to me on whatsapp because he can’t talk .. I said ok .. later .. he was online .. so I talked to him .. he told me that he doesn’t have to talk to me every time he’s online!! .. and he didn’t want to talk to me .. I said but you’re the one who told me you wanted to talk .. he said that he’ll talk to me when he gets home .. I said ok ..
    he did not talk to me yesterday .. today I woke up .. he was online and he sent a message saying he’s sorry but yesterday he was tiered and he went to sleep directly .. so I responded : ” thank you for not telling me that yesterday .. Is there anything wrong? .. I feel like you are avoiding me :( ” .. he said : “that’s enough! ” .. and he went offline! !!!!!
    I’m really frustrated .. upset and confused .. idk what’s happening or what sould I do anymore :( ..
    what do you think Kevin?

    • Kevin November 21, 2014, 6:46 am

      Hey Mema,

      It’s hard to say what is going on with him. If I had to guess, you pushing him and being needy is driving him away. Like I said before, you need to do a little bit of no contact again and stop being so needy if you want him back.

      • Mema November 21, 2014, 3:01 pm

        Thanks Kevin .. I’ll start NC again .. but how should I ask him for this .. without hurting him or pushing him further away?

        • Kevin November 22, 2014, 5:28 am

          Don’t ask him anything. If he contacts you, tell him you need some space and time for now and stop answering him after that.

          • Mema November 22, 2014, 3:16 pm

            ok .. I’ll .. but yesterday we talked .. he told me he still has feelings for me but he’s not excited about getting back together ..so I said that I feel the same .. and the problems we had didn’t kill our feelings towards each other but we reached a point where the pain was larger than the love .. and he agreed with me ..
            and said that he did not forget about us .. and that if he did he won’t be talking to me now .. and that he can never forget me this easy .. but this doesn’t mean that we should get back together ! ..
            and I’m the perfect girl .. and he’ll never ever find anyone like me :( ..
            how should I change this?
            and how can I make him excited again about getting back together and I want this to be his idea not mine :(
            should I follow the RR .. and if I should .. what stage do you think I’m in?
            or should I do NC .. and if I should for how long should I do it?

          • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:33 am

            Hey Mema,

            Like I said before, I’ll recommend NC. At least for one month, preferably 2-3 months.

          • Mema November 24, 2014, 7:06 am

            ok .. I’ll do my best .. thanx alot Kevin

  • Kristin November 21, 2014, 9:14 am

    Hello,

    I wrote yesterday but I don’t see it on here. My ex and I broke up in July. He said he did not love me as much as he use to. He deleted me from Facebook which he had never done before and that devastated me. He said the reason he was doing that was because he loves me but needed space. so I went from July to September with no contact. I saw him at a BBQ in September and treated him like everyone else, but he could not even look at me. In October I reached out and said hope you are doing well. He said I am doing good and that was it. Then 2 days later he Facebook friend requested me. I sent him a few funny pictures here and there got no response. Then I sent him a trailer 2 weeks ago for a movie I thought he would like. He responded with a thumbs up. I sent one back . Then we sent each other funny stickers (we were using Facebook chat) the last sticker he sent me was a cat holding a sign saying sorry. After that I tried to reach out each week and got nothing. Yesterday I sent something got nothing. I realized he still has my key so I wrote him saying “I was trying to find my keys in my purse and I realized he still has them lol I shall need those back ” Got no response. I don’t know what to do. Everyone saids I don’t have a chance. I need help what should I do? and can this work? he is the only man I want

    • Kevin November 22, 2014, 5:25 am

      Hey Kristin,

      He is cold even after 3 months of no contact. In my opinion, you will be better off if you decide to move on. You can try to pursue him more but it’ll be an uphill battle. If you do decide to do so, I’d recommend you do no contact all over again for 2-3 months and text him.

      • Kristin November 22, 2014, 8:04 am

        I won’t give up I want him back so I will try the more nc we were together for 4 years . Why won’t he respond about my key? Do you think he still cares I know right after we broke up he admitted to not being himself for a long time.that he has been depressed. What do you think of the sorry the last thing he put? He is worth it to mw

        • Kristin November 22, 2014, 3:52 pm

          Do you think if I do yours and Ryan’s plan it will work?

          • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:34 am

            There’s a chance it might work. But like I say in the article, there are no guarantees.

  • Joanna Gerwine November 22, 2014, 12:11 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    I’ve been trying not to contact my ex. But what he did is start messaging me the next day and tell me that ” I can see that you moved on :’) ” but I didnt. what should I do? Or reply him :(

    • Kevin November 23, 2014, 11:29 am

      If you want, you can send a message telling him you need some time and space.

  • lee November 23, 2014, 9:29 am

    after reading your guide . it helped me so much and although the road was tough.
    i am now back with my ex and feelings are so much stronger this time round .
    thank you so much

    • Shawn November 24, 2014, 7:02 am

      Was it worth the wait bro?

      • lee December 1, 2014, 1:26 pm

        The wait is the hardest part . but you have to keep to NC . just over a month with NC .we spoke and my ex missed me . Have faith and keep to this guide dude

    • Luke November 24, 2014, 11:23 am

      What did you do when you got back on talking terms to convince your ex? I’ve just got back to having 1 or 2 friendly chats with my ex, she’s coming up with excuses not to meet up, but I think that’s cus maybe she still likes me.

      • lee December 1, 2014, 1:29 pm

        My ex was exactly the same . Didnt want to mee me. So i left her with NC. i didnt suggest NC . I just looked after number 1.

  • kelly November 23, 2014, 8:11 pm

    This is the worst time of my life. My ex broke up with me about 8 months ago. I have never been so hurt like this before. I can’t stop thinking about him.iam madly in love with him. The reason he broke up with me he said I was cold towards him. Wouldn’t let him help me when I had problems. I pushed him away and now I’ve lost him. I haven’t slept I refuse to eat. I told him how I feel. He said we are finished and it’s over for good get it in my head. He is not in a relationship with anyone. He told me he care for me and he has feelings but is trying to block them out and he said all he wants from me is to be friends that’s it nothing else. I told him I can never be friends with someone who I am Madley in love with. He didn’t reply. He int hardly getting back to my text. He comes around every weekend to pick our son up. We get on really well. And he said if I wasn’t such a twat he still be with us now. I have tried the no contact. But only last for 3 days. I can’t let go of him. He’s our life. I absolutely love this man and it’s killing me being away from him. Please me and my kids need him .It’s Christmas soon and I want him back my children are devested that he is no longer here. Please help

    • Kevin November 24, 2014, 8:45 am

      Hey Kelly,

      Unfortunately, the only thing that will help is no contact. The only way to get him back is to stop being needy and learn to be happy without him. If you are finding it difficult to cope with no contact, I’d recommend you seek therapy.

      • kelly November 24, 2014, 11:50 am

        I have a new number and I think my ex has got one as well. Do you think now we can’t contact each other by text. I will only see him when he gets our son. Do you think we can get back together ??

        • Kevin November 25, 2014, 3:50 am

          Yes, I think there’s still a chance if you can follow the plan.

          • kelly November 25, 2014, 8:41 am

            Thanks so much Kevin. Your help is appreciated. Thanks for giving me advice :)

  • whodunnit101 November 23, 2014, 11:13 pm

    My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 1/2 years. We broke up August 31. For two months after the break-up I didn’t abide by the rule of no contact. We FaceTimed a few times and I texted him almost daily. As of the 15th of this month I’ve started no contact, so I can recover and gather myself in time to see him in person again around the same time next month.

    Do I still have a chance at a new relationship with him even though I was late to go along with no contact?

    P.S. Your emails are great. :)

    • Kevin November 24, 2014, 8:46 am

      Yes, you do have a chance. All the best.

  • Genesis1 November 24, 2014, 10:03 pm

    Hi I would just like to know does this work for ex bfs that were in the military and have ptsd? He won’t see anyone and has turned into a completely different person and broke up with me a few months back but still contacts me all the time what should I do I don’t want to be his friend I still love him and cry over him all the time. Should I do the no contact…. Thank u

    • Kevin November 25, 2014, 4:03 am

      Hey,

      He needs professional help and there’s a good chance it’ll work once he sorts out his PTSD. I think you should recommend him to get professional help and do no contact. Let him know it’s hard for you to stay in contact with him and you need time and space to deal with the breakup.

      • Genesis1 November 25, 2014, 7:30 am

        hi thank u for replying I have asked him too he says he would be weak if he does I was with him two years and he was wonderful he is such a different person he barely ever calls but texts me all the time and asks if I’m ok, he never wants to see me or do anything then another minute he’s fine I’ve tried doing the no contact I got through like three days lol and he will keep texting me asking if I’m alrite so I always reply because I don’t want to add more stress on him….. I’m just very confused and like I said before I don’t want to be his friend and I’ve told him that but at the same time I can’t stop replying to him….what advice do u have to make It through the no contact if he’s always texting …. Thanks again

        • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:25 am

          Just tell him before starting no contact. Tell him you need some time and space and won’t be replying to him anymore. And then stop replying to his messages. He will stop eventually.

  • andy1099 November 25, 2014, 12:25 pm

    My ex is very smart, she contacts me the moment I resort to moving on approx 3o days after I stopped contact. We broke up because of distance as she moved away for work. I had previously offered to visit her but she did not seem too excited and thought it would be too daunting to spend a weekend together. Now it appears the tables have turned slightly as she is communicating with me and I have made it clear that we need to talk but she has not really responded yet to that suggestion. I really do not like staying in touch if there is no chance for a future as I have very strong feelings for her and I believe she does for me as well. The problem is this neediness game and it just appears like sea saw going from me to her here and there. Can’t there be an actual consensus and openness that translates into YES let’s get back together…I have done most of the things stated, such as working out hard, going on dates here and there, but none of it seems to bring me to where I am level headed.

    • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:30 am

      After a while, you will have to have the talk and give her an ultimatum. Either get back together or cut contact forever.

      • andy1099 November 28, 2014, 3:07 pm

        yes, had the talk she said she wasn’t ready now and considered us finished but didn’t see any harm in saying hello – i said we had to cut contact after trying to somehow make it work – it was very tough to do but she agreed to it, I don’t feel good about it but i guess that’s life

  • Jillian1292 November 25, 2014, 4:31 pm

    Hi Kevin I left a comment and don’t know if you have answered it I can’t find it ;(

    • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:32 am

      Hey Jillian,

      The comments on this page are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You should post your comment on the message boards. We have a very supportive community here.

  • Aly November 25, 2014, 5:32 pm

    Hey Kevin, my ex and I broke up about a week ago with him initially saying it was a break.
    He told me he still loved me but felt unhappy and overwhelmed.
    Later telling our mutual friends he broke up with me because my comparing him to my ex and complaining about his mother became annoying. I only compared him to my ex because I was afraid of being hurt in the same way, and I never dealt with such a controlling mother as his but know I overstepped my boundaries.
    He told me we might completely break up, he doesn’t know the outcome, we might need to work on being friends first, and that he needs to focus on himself.
    But he told me to Facebook message him and I did, he told me again he loved me but the next day told me not to say it anymore and not to call him pet names so we can work on being friends for now to “see where it goes” and then he got advice from an elderly mutual friend of ours to ignore me which he didn’t want to do but is doing now because he believes she is wise.
    So he has initiated no contact, which I’m assuming he plans to hold for this entire week of Thanksgiving while he is away with family. I ran into him Thursday and tried to convince and almost beg him to return but since then have stopped talking. I don’t want to be his friend and made this clear, and at the same time he said he has faith in us and loves me but it might be healthy to date other people and that some people are just meant to not work out.
    A lot of our mutual friends are saying he probably needs a breather.
    What can I do and do you think we stand a chance? What do you think is going through his mind?

    • Kevin November 27, 2014, 1:05 pm

      Follow the Plan Aly. He does need some space.

      • Aly November 30, 2014, 1:27 am

        Kevin,
        What do I do if he’s spearheading the no-contact rule and it’s all in his hands?
        And I’m sure he is thinking that I am still crying everyday, complaining, and comparing, how can I convey to him that I am not while we are in no-contact without rushing to try to convince him/beg/plead/push him?

        • Kevin November 30, 2014, 2:07 am

          It doesn’t matter who started no contact. The primary aim of no contact is for you both to have some space and work towards becoming a happier confident person. You don’t have to convey anything to him right now. If you make changes in your life, it’ll show after no contact is over.

          • Aly December 5, 2014, 2:25 am

            After 2 weeks of no contact I saw him today when passing by and he hugged me, later I focus out he was back with his ex (far younger and they were only together for a month in the past, his mother made them break up due to age difference). My friend asked him why he didn’t tell me especially since two weeks ago he said he had faith/loved me but just needed space. And he said we were broken up and he didn’t feel like he had to tell me. I unintentionally ran into him again later, played dumb like I didn’t know they were together, asked him to talk to which he said “later” (and it didn’t happen) and he went to talk to her, later I saw him (we were with many mutual friends and we were civil but he was distant and seemed like he didn’t like me or want to be around me all of a sudden and he ended up leaving.
            I texted him later saying it would be fair to talk and he ignored it and is continuing to ignore me.
            What can I do and do you believe he’s rebounding or if I have anything to worry about?
            I don’t know how to go about getting him back especially when he’s always with her now and I see him frequently now due to mutual friends and living so close. And should I restart a month of NC and would it work in this situation?

          • Kevin December 5, 2014, 6:54 am

            If you have not finished no contact, then you should restart it after this. It’s probably a rebound. You should try to avoid him as much as possible and if you see him, just treat him as an acquaintance and keep the conversations as short as possible.

  • Louise November 26, 2014, 4:45 am

    Kevin,

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and recently ended it when he was in the company of an ex and lied the whole night about it. I tried to contact him but he would cancel the call which lead me to send a ranting abusive messages. It took me 12 hours to get in contact with him by then I had made too many stories up in my head to even see sense. I told him to leave the house which he did then I started doing the calling texting etc and the more I get ignored the more I do it. When his phone goes to voice mail I think im blocked and try everything else (I think im a nut job). So now he said he wants space and I think I have embarrassed myself enough. We have so much planned and I don’t want to not be with him hes just a bit of a fool in drink. I have trust issues which he doesn’t really make better with how he acts like lying about trivial things. I always contact his as I panic he will meet someone else which I don’t think I could handle right now.

    Not sure what to do?

    • Kevin November 26, 2014, 7:33 am

      Follow the plan Louise.

  • Diego Fuset November 27, 2014, 1:07 am

    Before I write my question, I have to thank you, Kevin, for helping people with such devotion. After I read this article, my heart and soul were freed from a lot of pain and confusion.

    I’m convinced that I want to get my ex girlfiend back; I lover her and I really don’t have doubts about it. Nevertheless, she’s already in a relationship with this guy she met around last september. She told me (yeah, I confronted her at the time) that her new relationship wasn’t something serious, at least not for her. But judging by the way they get along (I’m aware of this thanks to certain social network), I’m afraid she lied to me, and I’m sure this new relationship of her is not as casual as she said. I guess she’s with him for a number of reasons, but the most important one is that she can meet him at college (her parents are very restrictive with her and don’t allow her to go out with frequency, and stuff like that). How does the 5 Step Plan change in my case?

    • Kevin November 27, 2014, 1:06 pm

      It doesn’t change Diego. It’s probably a rebound and you should let it run its course.

  • me November 27, 2014, 4:31 am

    Hey does this apply to same sex relationships. I want to get my ex gf back but only have the option of gf getting ex bf back

    • Kevin November 27, 2014, 1:08 pm

      Hey,

      It does work for same sex relationship. Unfortunately, I don’t have an email series specifically for same sex relationship. I’ll recommend you subscribe to the “Get your Girlfriend Back” email series. It will refer to your ex as she but it’ll refer to you as a guy.

  • Adam November 27, 2014, 8:49 am

    Dear Kevin,
    its been almost 2 months NCP after the big break up and blocking from all the social media (facebook ,whatsapp, ext..)
    could you please advise me what is the next step
    – should I go and meet her ?
    – a written message?
    -keep in NCP?
    THANK YOU OUR ANGEL IN ADVANCE :)
    Adam

    • Kevin November 27, 2014, 1:10 pm

      Hey,

      If it has been 2 months since you last tried to contact her, send her an email or text. Use the format for hand written letter mentioned in the article.

      • Adam November 29, 2014, 2:53 am

        Hey,
        I text her normal text such like hey i was in the same hotel bla bla lol,
        she blocked me after she read it , I do understand the she is hurts but she still wont talk to me she never been so Stubborn , any advice I want her i want make things better but no sigen from her not even a single one and she si not in a relation with no one ,
        please advice
        thank you .

        • Kevin November 30, 2014, 2:03 am

          If she is hurt, then you should just give her more time. You should also consider how long you are willing to wait for her. If she doesn’t become receptive in another 2 months, then I’ll recommend you move on.

  • Helen November 27, 2014, 5:32 pm

    Hello Kevin,

    I just read your email about the breakup line “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”, and it left me very perplex.

    I believed the breakup happened between my ex and I because of this:

    -They are at a point in life where a lot of emotions
    and other factors and making them confused about what
    they want. Leading them to believe that the relationship
    is not for them and they are not in love. Because they think
    that if they were in love, they would have been sure about
    continuing the relationship.

    I’m wondering if the plan can still work in that case and how? Even if its not a exact science I’m wondering what you think about this,

    Thank you for your help again!!

    Helen x

    • Kevin November 30, 2014, 1:50 am

      Yes, it can still work. No contact helps them realize what they want in your life. And it helps you become a better version of yourself to give them more incentive to come back.

  • Ify November 28, 2014, 4:16 am

    Hi Kevin,

    A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 months and I broke up. It mutual. Yesterday I told him how I felt about everything which included telling him I wanted to give things a go again. He said we were better off just being friends but I don’t want to give up just yet. I would love to know if I can still get him back because i plan on starting the nc rule today.

    Thanks

    • Kevin December 1, 2014, 8:07 am

      Yes, you can get him back. Follow the plan.

  • Luke November 28, 2014, 4:54 am

    I feel like I’m at a dead end. My ex split up with her rebound 2 weeks ago and it’s been 2 months since we split up, we’ve had a few nice conversations but every time I ask to meet up as friends she doesn’t reply. I don’t know how I can get her back without meeting up and I don’t know how to start a new conversation with out looking desperate. Part of me thinks I should just straight up ask her if I have a chance at getting her back. What do you think Kevin?

    • Luke November 28, 2014, 7:09 am

      Or to just ask her if we can have a calm and mature talk about “us”?

      • andy1099 November 28, 2014, 3:17 pm

        hey i think girls and ex’s in general hate the talking about us – i know where you’re at man, i don’t know if there is a solution here maybe just cut off communication and get her to chase you by being focussed on your path

        • Luke November 29, 2014, 5:27 pm

          surprisingly it kind of worked, she said she will be willing to have a mature talk about things, but we need to do it as friends, its a start!

  • Works November 29, 2014, 12:24 am

    I found this site a month ago and I was desperate I had done everything wrong I BEGGED I cried etc.. But I honestly did what your site said word for word and it works .. I focused on me went to the gym got new cloths changed me hair and I feel great my ex was texting me like crazy he tried everything to get my attention .. I took him back and he’s the one now WORKING to be with me. . I just wanted to share and thank you !

  • Tony November 29, 2014, 2:05 pm

    Will the “healing bad memories” and more importantly, “missing you badly” phases still happen if she is in a reabound? We broke up just over a month ago, and I’ve been following the guidelines recently. 2 days before she made it official with this new guy she contacted me, sending photos of us, and later bringing up the past. She also told me she was fighting coming back due to the hurt. I played it cool when she made the relationship official and didn’t give my opinion or talk down on him or her.
    Not sure what to do at this point and wondering if those phases will still happen?

    • Kevin November 30, 2014, 2:05 am

      Yes, it still happens. Although it happens slower because she doesn’t have time to process her emotions.

  • Joanne November 30, 2014, 2:45 am

    Your message board won’t let me in Kevin. It won’t accept my username or password. Now what?

    • Kevin December 1, 2014, 7:56 am

      Hey,

      Are you already registered? If so, please use the forgot my password link below the login button. If you can’t registered, use a different email, username and password.

  • Mema November 30, 2014, 5:31 am

    hey Kevin .. it’s been a while since I’ve posted here ..
    so you recommend that I should do a second round of NC ..
    and I started doing it ..
    but my ex is now showing me that he’s interested in me ..
    he started going to the gym ” I was telling him to do this a long time ago” and sending me pictures of him while working .. he’s calling me before going to sleep .. and gives me a good night kiss .. he sings songs for me and send them on whatsapp “some of our favourite songs when we were together” …. he even changed his profile picture on whatsapp and he put a picture I love .. and he updatee he’s status .. at first he wrote : ” this is the impossible love” .. a song in arabic about being in a relationship that you know it’ll end soon and you can’t do anything to stop it .. and that you should lose hope because your love is impossible .. so I said I didn’t loke it .. so he changed it to ” you’re my moon .. and I’m only human .. even though the moon is far away .. but I’m in love with it ” .. and he never asked me to have sex talks anymore. . so .. I replied to him .. I thought it would be rude if I don’t .. right?
    even sometimes I started the conversation .. we had an argument 3 days ago .. he listened to me .. and calmed down ” it was afer 6 hours of arguing and for sometimes he didn’t reply to me at all!!” .. but at last he did listen .. he never used to do this ..
    so now I’m confused .. after admitting to me that he still has feelings for me .. and after being nice to me .. should I continue the NC .. I know it wasn’t a strict NC but Idk .. I feel safe to talk to him.. he hasn’t called me today .. or even yesterday at night ” no mobile connections at his city ” .. but he did apologises to me about that by sending an IM this morning .. when I woke up I sent him to call me .. he got the message but he didn’t call! ..
    so what do you think Kevin?
    should I do a strict NC ?
    and should it really be for a whole month?
    I’m confused!

    • Kevin December 1, 2014, 8:00 am

      Hey Mema,

      I still think you can benefit from a strict no contact. However, it’s not an absolute necessity right now. If he tries to treat you as a doormat again, then you should definitely do it. Until then, keep yourself scarce. Let him initiate contact most of the time. And try keeping yourself busy and keep making positive changes in your life.

  • yk December 1, 2014, 2:09 pm

    First, I’m sorry for this long post. But ex gf of 3years broke up with me about 7months ago. We tried to get back together after 2months of the break-up, but she couldn’t do it. And honestly, I don’t think I was ready for that myself either. And we tried to move on and didn’t talk for several months except few occasions. But few weeks ago, I stopped by her house to drop off some stuff. At the time, she was shocked to see me and told me she’s seeing someone. I somehow ended up telling her I’ve been thinking about her all this time which I wasn’t planning at all, and we ended up with making out little bit. Then she pushed me away and told me this is not right. So I went home.

    Few days later, she texted me to ask if I’m okay and if I still wanted to meet up and talk. Also she told me that she’s not seeing that guy any more. We haven’t met up since that night, but we’ve been casual chatting over text for few weeks. And coupld of nights ago, she started to drunk texting saying she’s an a-hole and really selfish by texting me and by telling me that she’s druink so it’s okay to text me and she’ll blame her next morning. And asking me to send selfies and what I was doing that day and stuff. I just basically told her to take care of herself and please go home safely which she did.

    Yesterday morning she appologized for what happened a night before and we just casually chatted throughout the day. And today I found myself thinking about her a lot. I care about her so much and if there is any chance, I would try to get back with her. But what I’m afraid of is that I’ll reapeat the same thing and I’ll be a hot mess again. I just wasn’t sure what that drunk text means. And If I should even consider to try to get back together at this point.

    Thanks for your help!

    • Kevin December 2, 2014, 10:19 am

      Hey,

      I’ll suggest you ask her out but don’t talk about getting back together straight away. Do it after at least 3-4 dates. Things should work out.

  • andy December 1, 2014, 10:37 pm

    You were such an inspiration to me. Reading through this made me go alot deeper into the way I feel about things. Im definitely going to try this out and see how it works. Keep doing what you do your AMAZING at it!!! Thanks a ton Kevin!!
    XOXO
    Andy

  • Helen December 2, 2014, 4:40 am

    Hi Kevin,

    2 weeks nc here, and haven’t seen my ex in person for 2 months (last time we spoke was through Skype).
    I try not to think about him and I do keep busy and make positive changes, but it’s weird not having any of his news, he isn’t much active anymore on Facebook (which is probably for the best). I know he as a new interest which might be a rebound and I feel like distance is pushing us appart for good and that he has forgotten about me :/. We were together for 4 years

    • Helen December 2, 2014, 2:59 pm

      And I just noticed that he deleted some of our pictures on Facebook even if they weren’t that many… Does it mean there is no hope and that he has definitely moved on?

      :( thanks

      • Helen December 2, 2014, 3:13 pm

        Sorry, he changed his settings so that I can’t see the pictures he is tagged in.. I’m so desperate why is he doing that suddenly

        • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:01 am

          You shouldn’t obsess over these small things. It doesn’t mean he is moving on. It doesn’t really mean anything. Obsessing over it is not going to help you in any way.

          • Helen December 8, 2014, 1:18 pm

            I know.. Thank you Kevin. I have stopped focusing on how long it has been since our last contact and I’m truly learning to be happy without him :) I didn’t think I could make it, but positive changes even it they are hard in the beginning to make, are saving me!!
            Sometimes I’m unsure as if I want him back and sometimes I still obsess over it but its less and less intense. I think when my mind will be completely clear I will know.

            Thanks you so much for your help, I’m planing on waiting till I’m fully recovered (at least one more month of NC) and see if I want to contact him even if I feel that it should come from him after all? I don’t want to be the one engaging contact, wouldn’t it feel like being needy?

            Thanks again :)

          • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:06 am

            It won’t be needy if the way you communicate with him isn’t needy.

  • Jose December 2, 2014, 4:59 am

    Hi kevin. I’m almost at the end of the no contact (day 27). She have been calling me restricted everyday and i didn’t answer any of her call because i know that is her. Two days ago she called me restricted at 5 am and i answer and said hello three times. Did i brake the no contact rule? Since that day she haven’t call me anymore with restricted or anything. Should i send her the text message of the positive moment already or is that some trick she has? What should i do? Thank u for ur help kevin!

    • Kevin December 2, 2014, 10:30 am

      I don’t think you broke NC. You should contact her when NC is over and you satisfy the checklist at the beginning of Step 4.

  • Jose December 2, 2014, 11:50 am

    Hi kevin…
    I post something this morning and i didn’t see it. Please give me your advice. Thank you

  • lenoil December 2, 2014, 7:57 pm

    What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

    this happens to me after no contact rules my gf get married in three months time to her is no choice but to move on with other guy.even if she said she always going to love me forever..stupid girl i love her but wtf kind of thinking she had.

    • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:04 am

      Hey,

      Your case was certainly an exception. To be honest, I think you are better off without her.

  • cha cha December 3, 2014, 12:47 am

    how do i go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex ? contradiction

    • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:04 am

      It means go on dates with people other than your ex.

  • Lindsay December 3, 2014, 6:34 am

    I’ve tried posting for your advice a couple times and neither of them are on here. In desperate need of help.

    • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:06 am

      Hey Lindsay,

      Sorry. The comment section on this website is heavily moderated and I don’t approve most of the comments. Please post on the message boards if you have questions about your breakup or relationship.

      • Lindsay December 4, 2014, 2:11 pm

        I’ve tried that too and my messages still don’t get approved

        • Lindsay December 4, 2014, 2:22 pm

          If you could help me because I didn’t get any response from the community that would be greatly appreciated.
          About 2 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me because we were in fact having problems and fighting over the most stupid things. When he broke up with me he said he wants something to happen again eventually but wants us to grow individually first and find our happiness without each other because we were together for 9 months and in the end we weren’t very happy and fighting a lot. So he suggested we be friends and I tried numerous times but I would mess up and push the relationship on him again. I messed up recently last week and I told him if he doesn’t want anything to happen tell me and he said he did but he’s not ready right now because he doesn’t want our relationship to go right back to fighting if we get back together. He said he’s waiting for me to find my happiness and that he isn’t looking for anyone else. But he said if I cant handle it then I should let him go but I told him I didn’t want to do that and then he said then just be my friend and move on. I said I’m not ready to move on and he said then just be his friend and I told him I’d talk to him when I get myself together. Is it to late to follow how to get your ex back? Is it to late for him to miss me? What should I do? Please help

          • Kevin December 5, 2014, 6:45 am

            It’s not too late Lindsay. Follow the plan. It should work for you if you learn to be happy without him.

  • Alex December 3, 2014, 7:03 am

    I would just like to know if there is anybody out there that can say that this method has worked or not? I’ve read it and it sounds like it’s good advice but I don’t know if it will work?

    • Kevin December 3, 2014, 8:08 am

      Hey Alex,

      You can read the testimonials page here. You can also find a few success stories if you go through the comments.

  • Jose December 5, 2014, 7:26 am

    Hi kevin.
    After 27 days of no contact i called my wife and told her that i wanted to talk to her. We talked and i act very desperate because i wanted to have the same relation that we had for 5 years. She told me that she needs time. We went out for two days and had sex. She was acting very insignificant with me. The third day she told me that she was going out with another person. My mind start to panic and i got mad and left her at her house. What can i do now…please help

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:10 am

      Start over again and this time don’t be desperate. There’s a checklist at the beginning of Step 4 that you should see before ending no contact.

  • SS December 6, 2014, 12:17 am

    Hi Kevin
    I wrote to you yesterday and an alert said that it was awaiting moderation.
    I’m posting again as I am desperate for your advice. Please help!
    My boyfriend (whom I still love) broke up with me last Sat, then asked me to have dinner with him the next day. I went and it was painful as he was adamant about splitting. Before he left we hugged for a long time and he said I still matter to him. He has been texting me everyday to ask how I am but last night he came over to get his things, and to return my things from him house (very final). We talked for about two hours (everything he said between the lines indicated this is IT for him), I kept it light and remained cool and positive even though I was breaking inside. Again, a long hug at the end. I’m now going to start NC after reading your advice, but I have 2 questions please:
    1. I’m due to have a surgical procedure done on Dec 15 which he’d agreed to take me to before the split (I’ll be heavily sedated). Will that be breaking NC?
    2. His birthday (Dec 24) and Christmas are coming up and I have already bought presents for him. Should I still give them to him – will it make me appear needy and desperate?
    I would really appreciate your advice. Thanks so much.

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:14 am

      Hey,

      1. It’s better if you find someone else to help you through the surgery and let him know that you no longer need him. If you can’t find someone else, then it’s OK to call him.

      2. I will recommend against giving him presents

  • Mema December 6, 2014, 6:22 am

    hey Kevin ..
    things are getting more and more complicated .. he said to me that he loves me .. many times .. I was joking at first by acting like an angry child and I said “I don’t want to talk to you any more .. I hate you” .. so he said “but I love you” .. I was surprised .. and I didn’t respond to this .. so .. he did it many times.. one time it was out of blue .. he told me that he loves me .. I don’t think he meant it as “he’s in love with me” yet .. because many times when we argue about something he reminds me that we are only friends and I have no right to argue with him about that ..
    so .. people in the forum think that I’m being needy again :( .. so idk what to do or how to get rid of this .. I really could use some advice ..and that I’ve centered my life around him “they may have a point ” but I can’t help myself when I miss him :( ..
    I’m doing now a short NC .. his friend from different city is staying at his place now .. and we both don’t want him to find out about us .. so I told him that I’ll wait for his calls .. so for the past 2 days .. he did call me and text me .. but yesterday I was sick and I got really bored from staying at bed .. so I called him and told him that .. the connections at his town suck .. so he could not hear me .. and we hang up ..
    anyway .. I’m not planning to talk to him till Sunday .. but I’m really worried about being needy or fall in the same mistakes I did before “he told me that I have not changed at all twice when we were arguing and this is scaring me”
    what do you think?
    I really don’t know what to do or how I’m being needy! can you help me?

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:21 am

      Mema,

      As long as you are thinking of him as the only person you want to spend your life with, you will be needy. The best way to get rid of that neediness will be to do no contact and perhaps start going on dates. Read the Step 4 of the article again.

      • Mema December 11, 2014, 7:29 am

        thanx alot Kevin .. I’ll start NC again on Saturday “today he already called me and texted me” .. I’ll tell him that I need time for me .. or I’m busy with work.. but I know that he’ll contact me ..actually he’s being nice after doing a limited NC with him .. yesterday we had a great day .. he called me immediately when there was a connection at his city .. then he texted me many times through the day .. at night he stayed up with me till 3a.m .. he told me that he doesn’t want to date right now .. and he maybe ready .. but he just doesn’t want to .. he also said I’m important in his life as much as his best friends “he can’t live without us” .. so I said I don’t like being second and I want to be NO.1 at his life .. he said you’re silly .. there’s no one like me in my life ..
        So .. my questions are ..
        for how long should I do NC in this case? “one month is too much .. and the Christmas and New year are here ”
        If he calls me what should I say?
        should I go on dates again? .. I think this will upset him alot ..
        if he sees me online and start a conversation what should I do?

        I don’t want to be rude after what has been going on ..
        he is great with me now .. acting almost like we were never broken up .. calling me .. texting me .. asking me about my day .. good night kisses ..good morning texts etc ..
        I’m really worried that he’ll move on now .. date someone else .. or do something stupid .. it’s been 2 months since the break up now ..
        I know I’m asking too much .. but I don’t want to do anything wrong at this point ..
        thanx again Kevin

  • Aly December 6, 2014, 5:08 pm

    His rebound has been telling people their relationship is complicated due to me and then his family and she has started ignoring me too.
    He had his best friend tell me yesterday I’m no longer allowed to be around him or go to their house to hang out with our mutual friends. What does this all mean?
    How can NC help him miss me while his in another relationship?

    • Aly December 7, 2014, 7:59 pm

      He ended up messaging me saying Didn’t I say we were broken up, to be clear? And continued to tell me to just accept it and leave it be and that we are never getting back together and he was just trying to spare my feelings earlier. He wasn’t talking like himself and would refuse to answer any questions, when I told him I have made great changes and things were good he said “Good for you but that won’t change anything.” I’m also sure his girlfriend is controlling what he says or does. He keeps checking my profiles still. I kept telling him I accepted the break up and agree with the break up but it seemed to do no good. What can I do?

      • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:24 am

        He probably can sense that you have not accepted the breakup and are still trying to find a way to get him back. I’ll recommend that you do no contact for at least 2 months. Stop worrying about his new relationship. There’s nothing you can do about it. It’s a rebound and it’ll probably end. The only thing you can do right now is concentrate on making yourself happy without him.

        • Aly December 9, 2014, 2:02 am

          Thank you Kevin,
          His new girlfriend is trying to be close friends with me because I took advice to be friendly to both of them. Should I be close friends with her and is there any way I could work that to my advantage?

          • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:10 am

            No, I don’t see any advantage in that.

          • Aly December 11, 2014, 11:05 pm

            Update, he keeps telling his friends his girlfriend is a “quick recovery” and that she wasn’t dating and just “agreed” to date, since she’s very illegal and his friends know shes a rebound most of them are definitely discouraging it. Some of my friends keep texting him to get back with me. Is all this discouragement of her/encouragement for me going to push him away?

          • Kevin December 12, 2014, 7:09 am

            It might. He feel like everyone is pressuring him to do something. It should be his idea to get back together. If you can do anything about your friends texting him, then you should tell them to stop it.

          • Aly December 13, 2014, 12:31 am

            It feels like many immediately around him currently are pressuring him against going back to me (mainly his new girlfriends friends). I found out he only waited a week until dating her and he keeps telling people for our entire relationship he was drunk. Today I ran into him and he hugged me and exchanged positive-neutral exchanges, basically how are you’s and the conversation lasted less than five minutes. Was this breaking NC?

          • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:37 am

            No, it wasn’t.

          • Aly December 14, 2014, 1:46 am

            I’m sure he’s taking an interest in my life due to friends saying I’ve changed for the better so hes been trying to contact me saying hes heard stories about my family and recent events in my life. Do I respond to this with positive reinforcement (Yeah everything is going great I’m doing well) or ignore him?
            I heard from his friends that recently he has been smoking a lot and it could be tied with him also rebounding, trying to find distractions and crutches.
            He however did lie to his new girlfriends sister saying he was drunk the entire time he was with me, a lie, but I don’t know how to deal with this.

          • Aly December 15, 2014, 3:35 am

            More news, our mutual saw him this weekend and said very good things, and my ex ended up messaging me about my personal life and seemed interested and intrigued, he brought me up out of curiosity to his friends and when he heard I had been going on casual dates he got jealous. He reached out to me and I kept space, my greatest fear is that its only to be friends since he said he wants to be friends to his buddies. Tonight I went on his file sharing account to find a background for my desktop that I saved to his computer before and I found out he saved all our pictures to it. He’s never kept photos of his exes before but hes keeping ours so I don’t know if this means something or not but it was interesting nonetheless.

  • sarvesh December 7, 2014, 2:32 pm

    Hello Kevin…
    I would like to ask while going through the no contact period. If our patner contacts us. Here in my case my gf. Then like you said we should avoid replying.
    But if she tends to text me and start blaming me for her terribly state right then or starts giviI g me warnings that she will never talk to me again if i don’t reply or talk to here then.. or any such relater thing. May it be asking for help or anything.
    Then how should i deal with this situation.
    What would you advise or rather suggest.
    Counting on your feedback.

    Regards
    Sarvesh

    • Kevin December 8, 2014, 10:27 am

      If it’s a threat, blame or anything negative; ignore it. If she is texting you (something neutral or positive), then you can tell her that you need some space and time right now and you will appreciate it if she doesn’t contact you for a while.

  • Yair December 7, 2014, 6:06 pm

    Hello , I was just wondering how I could go through the no contact stage while having kids in the middle .

  • Calista December 9, 2014, 1:41 am

    Kevin,

    I have been trying NC for a couple of days and feel disappointed that my husband didn’t call me. The urge to call him is there. Should I not focus on whether he calls me or not.

    During this period, i will try my best to remove myself from his life and get rid of the neediness.

    After the NC, what’s then? My counselor said if he calls me, i should sound sad and tell him i am trying my best to move on as he is preparing to leave me. He said i need to tell him what i think but not asking him to do anything. is this approach right?

    • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:09 am

      Hey Calista,

      You shouldn’t concentrate on him calling you. It’s better that he doesn’t call you. It’ll give you the time and space to concentrate on yourself. You don’t have to sound sad when he calls, but yes you shouldn’t ask him to do anything. And you can tell him of all the positive changes you have been making. Remember, if he calls during NC, it’s better you don’t answer or just tell him you need some time and space right now and you can’t talk to him.

      • Calista December 10, 2014, 9:10 am

        Thanks for your clear reply. It soothes me a lot to hear that it is better for him not to call me. I thought that the more he calls me, the more he is interested in me.

  • Luke December 9, 2014, 7:05 am

    met up with my ex, it was nice and i bought up loads of “bliss” moments, at the end we had a mature chat and we both still have feelings for eachother, but she said she still has a few negative feelings about what happened after the break up and needs time because its the first time shes been single for a long time. She got out of her rebound nearly a month ago, im afraid to wait longer because she has so many guy friends who try to get with her. I think shes trying to put me in the friendzone as well. Whats my next step? Soon should i ask her to hang out again?

    • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:11 am

      Give her time. The fear of losing her might work against you. You still have the upper hand. No other guy has a history with her like you do and she already agreed she has feelings for you. I’ll recommend you take the time and start exploring your options as well.

  • Alex December 9, 2014, 2:09 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I purchased your book regarding how to get your ex back in July after my ex and I took a break. He officially broke up with me in September, and the breakup ended really badly. I was in tears and said a lot of things I didn’t mean like I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. He said the main reason was because he wanted to focus on his career, even though he really does love me and always will. The truth is I really do want him back. Since that time I haven’t reached out to him at all, and unfollowed a lot of his social media. I know he has been out dating, which hurts like hell.. but I don’t know what to do. Can you help? I am afraid if I continue to not contact him, he never will contact me and I might lose him forever. I just don’t know what to say if I do. I’ve been so angry seeing all of the girls he’s been messing around with and out partying with. It hurts so much. Any advice?

    • Kevin December 10, 2014, 8:13 am

      Hey Alex,

      I’ll recommend you continue no contact until you have healed and you are feeling more confident and secure. After that, you can contact him and follow the plan.

      • Alex December 11, 2014, 2:25 am

        Thank you Kevin. I just worry if I don’t reach out he will move on to date someone else and I will lose him forever. Unfortunately with his career he has women chasing him like none other. I guess I may be insecure but I just really do love him and miss my best friend.

        • Kevin December 11, 2014, 8:56 am

          Even if he dates someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean he will move on. Even if he starts a relationship with someone, it’ll probably a rebound. You need to calm down and stop worrying about it. The alternative is to keep pestering him which will make you look desperate and unattractive.

  • Hardcharger December 10, 2014, 3:29 am

    Hey Kevin
    My ex and I dated for six years and were engaged. Things started happening we were getting too comfortable and small little things started us on a downward spiral for the last six months and she pulled the trigger . I was devastated at first for a few weeks and then slowly started coming out of the grief . We had very little contact for the first month only some housekeeping texts about shared bills and other things . It’s been two months and I knly made one mistake in the deadly mistakes and was blocked for it . Almost two weeks later I had the urge to send out a text and to my surprise it was read ! I was no longer blocked! I didn’t do anything hasty I left it at that but my plan is just to send a subtle good morning text every morning and nothing more . What do you think? I have seen other women and notice that so many things I got angry about with my ex were things that almost every one of these new women had as well . It all seems so insignificant now because I know I took things for granted . I would love to hear your thoughts on my story Kevin . And thanks

    • Kevin December 11, 2014, 9:00 am

      I won’t recommend the good morning texts. Follow the plan. You have a good chance.

      • hardcharger December 11, 2014, 10:28 am

        I’m just unsure of my next move. I have an entire life now that is seperate hanging out with friends and hobbies. I don’t know what my next move is?

        • Kevin December 12, 2014, 5:11 am

          Do one month of no contact. Then send her a text.

          • Hardcharger December 14, 2014, 5:00 pm

            How about a merry christmas text . Christmas will have been a month since deadly mistake and a little over two weeks for the texts. Also what do I do when I inevitably see her downtown when I go out?
            Appreciate the replies Kevin!

          • Kevin December 16, 2014, 10:51 am

            I wouldn’t recommend Christmas text. Only send it if you think it’ll be extremely rude of you not to wish her Merry Christmas. If you see her, keep the conversation short and treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.

  • Karen December 10, 2014, 9:09 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I have been posting numerous times and it says “awaiting moderation”.

    • Kevin December 11, 2014, 9:01 am

      Hey,

      I replied to you here.

  • Tommys83 December 10, 2014, 9:58 am

    Hi There Kevin

    I have purchased the Ryan Rivers relationship rewind book and I am close to finnishing it.
    I have also been reading your emails and they have been very helpfull and interesting. Even they have both been great reads and quite interesting and helpfull in parts, I have knid of lost my optimisim I had before I read it.

    I know the stage I am at is Deaths door and the thing is, I feel I wont be able to get her back now because of a couple of tips and reasons you have given me and what I have read in the book advising me to steer clear of, which I have ALREADY done before I discovered relationshiprewind.

    I chased and chased her going down the “Do anything to get her back route” for about a month after I found some txts on her phone from a guy she met at a hotel on business, who she works with and now really likes, but I dont think he likes her as much.

    She left our flat to stay at her mums and I bombarded her with phone calls, txts, emails etc to ask what had happened and plead with her that things will be better between us and I know it just made me push her away further.

    My head was a mess and I lost all control of my emotions, even when I saw her, when she had to come back to the flat. I just kept on losing it.

    To be honest its my first long term relationship at 3 and half years and I put a lot of it down to in-experience. Reading back over the guides, I should have moved out myself calmly when I read the txts and we would have been at one of the earlier stages and it would have been easier to turn things around.

    Anyway, I now havent spoken to her for 4 days. The last time I spoke to her she pretty much said she hated me and to leave her alone…….I know I love her and untill probably the last 6 months, she really did love me. And I know she IS the one…….I dont know what to do and I am really struggling.
    Any help, tips and advice for this situation would be very much appreciated.
    Many Thanks
    Tom

    • Kevin December 11, 2014, 8:52 am

      Tommy, follow the plan. You still have a chance.

  • yk December 11, 2014, 12:23 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    So I took your advise and asked her out over the text messaging few days ago. She texted back and said “possibly :)”. I took it as a positive sign and asked her this weekend schedule. And I suggested this saturday night. Then she told me that she didn’t realize she was agreeing to weekend nighttime event. So we ended up talking on the phone, and she started questions the reason of the “gathering”….etc. Also she said if there is no time limitation (weekend night), we might make a “mistake” (we have a history of doing this several months ago). She told me that she doesn’t intend to get back together (mixed signals), and I told her the reason for the meeting is just to catch up. However, she suggested to come to my house last night and wanted to walk my dog together…. I’m not sure how to handle the situation right now. Should I take her “I dont intend to get back together” comment seriously, and cut all the ties before I get burned too much?

    • Kevin December 12, 2014, 5:15 am

      Go on the walk with her. Have a good time. Even if she doesn’t want to get back together, she is giving you an opportunity to change her mind. Just don’t try to convince her to get back together. Keep hanging out with her and having fun with her for a while. She will probably change her mind eventually. If she doesn’t show any signs in the 3-4 dates (or more depending on how long you want to wait for her), then you should bring up getting back together. If she still says no, then you should cut contact with her and move on.

  • Marcus December 12, 2014, 5:13 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I’m a 38 year old man and my ex girlfriend of two and a half years decided she wanted out of the relationship. She is thirty one years old. Over the last year we had a number of clashes over trivial things and recently it was her birthday and a few days before that we had a clash and didn’t speak resulting in me missing her birthday because I didn’t think she wanted to hear from me. Of course that didn’t come down well. We made up after and I thought things were cool however a few days later she broke up with me. I was seriously upset.

    We have since met up on a few occasions and had a good time resulting in her asking me out to attend a function with her, then she went cold when she didn’t know if she’d be able to bring me? Even though originally she said that if she couldn’t we could do something else.

    Since we haven’t spoken for over a week now.
    I’m at a lost as to what to do. If you can help that would be great.

    Cheers, Marcus

    • Kevin December 12, 2014, 7:09 am

      Follow the plan Marcus.

      • Marcus December 12, 2014, 12:07 pm

        Kevin, thank you for acknowledging my message. I have read about your NC rule and have started on the road to recovery. Officially this is day 4 without sending anything to her.

        I didn’t mention earlier that on two different occasions my ex said to me that she is confused but would not elaborate further then she said that she was scared, again without explaining. So I told her that we could talk about it if and when your ready.

        Also the day after we last spoke when she said that she might not be able to take me with her to the function, she had an assessment at her work which was going to be signed off if she had been successful which I know she will have been. I didn’t make any contact to see how she had gotten on because I guess after the previous days conversation I was extremely disappointed in what she said to me as it felt like I was an option for her and not a priority.

        I had also sent her a message on Saturday just gone to say that I thought she would have just called or messages me to tell me if she was going or not. Her reply was “I’m not going anyway”. If felt like she was annoyed in how she responded.

        The following morning I sent her a text message telling her that I just saw something which reminded me of her which is something I had done about 2 weeks ago and went down well. This time around I didn’t get a reply!

        Any additional advice would be massive Kevin and I’m sorry to bother you with my problems.

        Cheers,

        Marcus

        • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:32 am

          Hey Marcus,

          Just continue no contact and use this time to become a happier and confident person.

          • Marcus December 13, 2014, 9:10 am

            Yes Kevin,

            Thank you for the continued advice. I will definitely do that!!!

            Do you think I still have a chance of getting her back?

            When she initially broke the news to me that she wanted out she said that she never changes her mind, yet then her actions and comments at times suggest that she’s not fully convinced she’s done the right thing.

          • Kevin December 15, 2014, 10:09 am

            Hey Marcus,

            Yes, you do have a chance. A lot of people say that but change their minds later.

          • Marcus December 16, 2014, 11:15 am

            Hi Kevin,

            I mentioned this previously but I don’t think you saw it.

            I unfortunately just found out she has blocked me on whatsapp not through contacting her though. Very disappointing! I don’t know why she would do that with me. I feel gutted and very sad. Have to pick myself up again : (

            Hope all is good with you though man!

          • Kevin December 17, 2014, 3:58 am

            Hey Marcus,

            Don’t take it hard. There could be many reasons for her to do so. Since you were not texting her constantly, the reason she did it was probably for her peace of mind or to get a reaction out of you. Don’t overthink it and continue with the plan.

          • marcus December 17, 2014, 6:09 am

            Kevin thank you so much for always helping!

            I decided to write her a hand written letter and posted it this morning.
            I was reading Relationship Rewind and decided to chance it having thought long and hard about it. I actual used most of the example that is in the book as it was fairly accurate to what I’ve been going through.
            I definitely feel as though she is indifferent towards me and I am at deaths door.
            I don’t feel like I have made a mistake. She has over the last 2-3 weeks
            You stopped all communication with me. Stopped responding to my messages and I don’t know why? She has told me that she misses me, loves me, that she is confused, scared without explaining either, to I’m her best friend. Invited me out with her to spend time together then for it not to happen, shown me affection and all of a sudden she’s gone cold with me resulting in what I know now is that she blocked me.
            Then two days ago she called me at night but I missed her call so I called her back 15 minutes later but she didn’t get back to me. So I hung back yesterday thinking she would call but she never did so I thought I should send the letter.

            I hope now after what you said to me Kevin I haven’t messed up?

            Thanks,

            Marcus

          • Kevin December 18, 2014, 8:36 am

            Hey Marcus,

            That letter in relationship rewind is more suitable if you are in the Drift stage and not Death’s door. If she doesn’t respond to that, I’ll recommend you continue no contact for another month.

          • Marcus December 18, 2014, 11:04 am

            Hey Kevin,

            Damn seems like I may have messed up there then. We are not at the drift stage as she ended it a few weeks back now. She is so stubborn and probably won’t get in contact once she has read the letter. She’s been acting so erratic but now hasn’t replied to anything after appearing happy with me/us. So it’s looking like another month of no contact then?

            Should I wish her a Merry Christmas or not?

            Thank you for your continued support

            Marcus

          • Kevin December 19, 2014, 3:46 am

            It wouldn’t hurt. But I think it’s better if you don’t.

          • Marcus December 18, 2014, 11:10 am

            I was hoping the letter would generate some kind of positive response from her as I have had nothing and I really don’t know why she is being so horrible to me Kevin?

  • Sunday December 12, 2014, 5:42 am

    Hi, I posted a question here and I don’t know where it went. Where’s the best place to put it?

    • Kevin December 12, 2014, 7:10 am

      Hey,

      The best place to post it will be the message boards. Comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them.

  • Helen December 12, 2014, 6:26 am

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex sent me a very generic private message wishing me a happy birthday and asking how everything was going, we’ve been NC for 3 weeks should I reply? In what way?

    Thank you for the help!

    • Helen December 12, 2014, 12:12 pm

      I responded saying everything was good and asked about him
      Is that ok? I don’t think he will reply and I’m ok with that I just hope its not too much of a deal that I added the what about you part. The message was very short and positive.

      I’m planing to do one more month of NC and see if I want to try to contact him like you said in a way that is not needy.
      What do you think, is it bad sign if he doesn’t answer? Is it good that he reached out to me?
      He is going to travel to another country for business for a few days.
      Thank you for the support again I wouldn’t have make it without your advises !!

      Helen x

      • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:33 am

        It’s not necessarily a bad sign if he doesn’t respond. There could be many reasons for that. Don’t worry about it. Yes, follow no contact before contacting him again. Good luck!

        • Helen December 14, 2014, 7:52 am

          Thank you Kevin, I will do my best and we’ll see what happens in a month, but in the meantime I’ll make sure I keep following your plan 200%. I feel like I’m halfway, sometimes I feel kind of over him, confident like I should and everything feels great again! Some days are harder. I guess its just a matter of time and how the process goes.
          But do you think that its still good that he reached out? I know we were together for a long time, but it doesn’t mean he was obliged to send me that message, especially if he didn’t care anymore. And could it be that he is scared that we’ll start talking again and that will mean not being consistent with his decision?

          Many thanks Kevin x !

          • Helen December 16, 2014, 12:43 pm

            Do you think there is still a chance ? I don’t know what to think about the all situation I know I shouldn’t care, but what do you think about it given my previous posts ?

            :(

            Thanks Kevin for helping us all !!!

          • Kevin December 17, 2014, 4:01 am

            Ex wishing you happy birthday is not necessarily a good sign. It might just be a courtesy text. You still have a chance though. But you should also understand there is a chance it might not work and be mentally prepared for it.

  • Mema December 12, 2014, 8:34 am

    thanx alot Kevin .. I’ll start NC again on Saturday “today he already called me and texted me” .. I’ll tell him that I need time for me .. or I’m busy with work.. but I know that he’ll contact me ..actually he’s being nice after doing a limited NC with him .. yesterday we had a great day .. he called me immediately when there was a connection at his city .. then he texted me many times through the day .. at night he stayed up with me till 3a.m .. he told me that he doesn’t want to date right now .. and he maybe ready .. but he just doesn’t want to .. he also said I’m important in his life as much as his best friends “he can’t live without us” .. so I said I don’t like being second and I want to be NO.1 at his life .. he said you’re silly .. there’s no one like me in my life ..
    So .. my questions are ..
    for how long should I do NC in this case? “one month is too much .. and the Christmas and New year are here ”
    If he calls me what should I say?
    should I go on dates again? .. I think this will upset him alot ..
    if he sees me online and start a conversation what should I do?

    I don’t want to be rude after what has been going on ..
    he is great with me now .. acting almost like we were never broken up .. calling me .. texting me .. asking me about my day .. good night kisses ..good morning texts etc ..
    I’m really worried that he’ll move on now .. date someone else .. or do something stupid .. it’s been 2 months since the break up now ..
    I know I’m asking too much .. but I don’t want to do anything wrong at this point ..
    thanx again Kevin

    • Mema December 12, 2014, 8:01 pm

      so my ex and I we were talking tonight .. so it was an honest conversation .. he told me that he feels I’m pressuring him .. and sometimes he wishes that he had never unblocked me .. and I’m one of the most important people in his life .. but I’ll never be NO.1 again.. so one thing led to another .. I asked him of he will never think of us getting back again .. and he prefers dieing over getting back to our relationship ..
      I was really surprised .. so I asked for further details .. he got mad .. and told me he’s going to sleep and that we’ll never be anything more than friends and if I ever brought this topic up he’ll block me again ..
      I’m afraid that he’ll block me again now ..
      I think my case is hopeless now .. and it’s time to move on .. :(

      • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:35 am

        Hey Mema,

        At this point, I will recommend you to move on. Cut all contact from him. Even if he tries to contact you, do not respond. Unfollow him from all social media and don’t keep any tabs on him through friends.

        Even if you have a chance with him, this is the only course of action that will actually work. Otherwise, he will keep stringing you along and playing with your emotions.

        • Mema December 13, 2014, 8:56 pm

          Thanks Kevin .. today he talked to me .. we had good time .. he said he doesn’t want to get back together .. because he hated our relationship last year.. and he thinks we’ll never work .. but he has feelings for me ..
          could it be that he had his defence up yesterday? or I’m really indefrent to him?
          any way .. I told him I need time to myself .. and it may take a day or two .. but I’m planning to cut him off till Christmas .. and if he calls me I won’t reply .. what do you think?

          • Mema December 14, 2014, 12:44 pm

            Kevin do you think that I have a chance ? ..
            I really want him back :(

          • Kevin December 15, 2014, 10:37 am

            Good plan. He does have feelings for you and is not indifferent. But you are giving him too much power and he will keep stringing you along for a long time if you let him.

        • Mema December 15, 2014, 3:20 pm

          I’m afraid that I lost him .. I really want him back ASAP .. I can’t take it .. being in a situation like .. I feel like he’s keeping me on his hook ..
          I want to be able to talk to him and win him back too .. :(
          it looks like false friendship is not working .. or I was doing it wrong ..
          yesterday he admitted that no friends calls each other when they wake up or give each other a good night kiss -_- ..
          but he’s not willing to get back at me ..
          it seems like he hasn’t recovered from my break up with him .. he said that will never forget what happened the last year ..
          should I do NC .. I will miss him alot .. and it’ll hurt .. but I can keep myself busy ..also I’m really afraid :( .. or should I continue the False Friendship but reduce my contact with him to minimum? .. like once every couple of days?
          I want him to forget what happened the last year and focus on our first 2 years .. I’m hopeless and feeling really Down :(

          • Kevin December 16, 2014, 10:53 am

            Hey Mema,

            You might still have a chance. But you will have to follow what I said in my last comment.

  • KellieAlexis December 12, 2014, 9:45 pm

    Hi Kevin

    I purchased relationship rewind thought my ex was indifferent after attempting to create the false friendship so wrote him the magic letter. Weirdly about 15 minutes after I posted the letter, he text me to say we can’t catch up because he was worried I would get emotional and to wait until after Christmas.

    Of course I replied and said I was fine but if he was comfortable with that, then ok. I believe one of the reasons we broke up was because he has children in another city and I had told him I was going to have Christmas with him and meet them. The relationship with his children’s mother is quite stressful on him and he suffers depression. We were together for 18 months, very happy but I noticed a severe decline in his depression after the Christmas decision. His reason for us breaking up was that he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore.

    Anyways, we stayed quite friendly since the break up 2.5 months ago and have never said a bad word to each other. In fact we never really had any arguments throughout our relationship and never said bad things to each other.

    He got my letter about 5 days ago and responded by text. His text said he had recieved it and read it and that was the reason he doesn’t want to catch up, because I am still in love with him and want to get back together and it isn’t going to happen, but we will catch up after Christmas or once I no longer have feelings for him, if that is ok with me.

    I followed the letter to the T.
    My question now is if there is still a chance? He seems to still care a lot about me but has other things going on that he needs to sort out. I have since began NC again, and it has been 5 days. Would love to hear your views.
    Thanks! K

    • Kevin December 13, 2014, 8:38 am

      Hey,

      You do have a chance but it seems slim. But I think it’s worth trying again. NC will definitely help. Use this time to make positive changes and follow the 5 step plan and use death’s door in relationship rewind.

      • KellieAlexis December 13, 2014, 2:22 pm

        Thanks Kevin. Slim chance is not what I wanted to hear but it is comforting to have an opinion. Thank you. I actually felt quite relaxed, calm and at ease after the text he sent about the letter, and still do so I guess that is a good thing.
        I will use deaths door. Thank you

        • KellieAlexis December 13, 2014, 2:47 pm

          I also should add that I’m 31, just purchased a brand new home on my own which he encouraged me to do while we were still together as I really wanted to. I am also almost finished a degree to become a lawyer while working full time which he was really supported me through when I had assessments and exams due by coming around and making me dinner and keeping his distance when he knew I had to study as I am great at procrastinating. So all in all I think he does care about me, and respects me but that maybe he feels he will be holding me back from my big dreams.

          • Kevin December 16, 2014, 10:43 am

            That’s great Kellie. I think being successful and having a great life without him will definitely increase your chances.

  • Christal December 13, 2014, 5:47 am

    Hi Kevin. You got me teary eyed with your reply.
    Im only 18 years old, yes he was my FIRST that is why i am terribly hurt right now. but i know how reality works, there will be a time where love fades out, but NOW, i can’t handle it. the reason why he broke up with me is that, according to him I am childish and some of my expressions are exaggerated. Can you please give me some advice to fix myself and to be a LADY and no longer a girl. yes you were right, i dont simple want him back, I WANT TO KEEP HIM FOREVER. thank you so much, you dont know how much relieved i am hearing THE PERFECT WORDS (from you) to heal my melancholic heart.

  • Christal December 13, 2014, 9:31 am

    hi Kevin. my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days after our 9th month. last december 9,2014. I was terribly hurt because he slapped it on my face that his LOVE fades out. it very hard to accept his reasons. I cant really accept it. He was my first BOYFRIEND, i am deeply in love with him, its so hard to accept that he doesn’t love me anymore. is it really possible ? is it really possible that his love will never be mine again? please help me with this. before i got to read your article, i have done the biggest mistake. I called him (he rejected it) and still i texted him and he was like replying like i’m just a friend. i really want him back, and if having him back means having NO CONTACT with him for 30 days, IM GONNA DO IT. no matter how hard it is. I hope your suggestions will help me. please can you please tell me if is it possible that he will no longer want me back in his life? our break up is so heart breaking, we were in good terms that week. i dont understand why he end up saying he wanted us to end. i was really crying in front of him, were on the street that moment. i cant even talk that moment cause every tim i try to utter words i sob. he explained to me that i was too childish, and because of that he wanted us to end. he hugged me when he’s saying those words, he even kissed me that time. he wipe my tears. and that’s making it more painful, he’s still caring though he slapped those words. for now I want to think that he just wanted some space for him to analyze everything. BUT I MISSED HIM SO MUCH! soo much. yesterday I figured out his faceoook password (for the first time) it was the very first time for me to open his account. i checked his messages to check if his having an affair to someone. but i found nothing. but there is a conversation with his friend that he was kinda tired of my childish actions. he says sometimes i am too sweet. what should i do to make him realize that our relationship is worth fighting for. can you please give me some advice on how to be mature, and what boys really wants. please Kevin i badly need some advice here :( :(

    • Kevin December 15, 2014, 10:21 am

      Hey,

      First of all, stop checking his Facebook messages. No good can come from that. And yes, you have to do no contact for 30 days. Since it was your first relationship, I’ll even recommend more than 30 days. Perhaps 45-60 days. You have a chance but read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 before ending no contact.

  • Marcus December 13, 2014, 11:36 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I unfortunately just found out she has blocked me on whatsapp not through contacting her though. Very disappointing! I don’t know why she would do that with me. I feel gutted and very sad. Have to pick myself up again : (

  • Nick December 16, 2014, 12:29 am

    Hey Kevin, i’m trying to get my ex girlfriend back. She is one of the independent ones. I liked her for a year and a half and this August we started to date but broke up October 4th. It’s been like 2 months and we had some contact. Saw each other like 3 times and we friends right now but i still like her. i Made a mistake to date another girl like a month after. I was so lost i know i shouldn’t have done it but i can’t take it back. I’m trying to get her back and i’m going to be meeting her Thursday December 18th, 2014 because i got her a Christmas gift. It’s a 5lb chocolate bar and i picture of her and her grandpa who died last year on Christmas eve. I’m looking for any advice that you can give me. OIh and when i was dating this girl i met her for the first time November 2nd and i told her that i can’t go along like this. Dating a girl when i still have feeling for you. So any advice thanks!

    • Kevin December 16, 2014, 10:57 am

      Hey Nick,

      I will not recommend giving her any gifts. Especially something that shows you still want her back. Follow the plan. Do no contact for a few months and then contact her casually.

      • Nick December 19, 2014, 7:30 am

        Hey So i’ve been getting your emails and they have helped a lot. I had to do the gifts because i already bought them and it went great. Turns out she’s getting me a gift so i’m glad i did it. I wasn’t in her best guy friend list. Idk if that means im not a guy friend or there is a special place for me. Anyway i don’t know what to do now. I gave her the gift we hugged 3 times, we also talked for 35 min in person and thought we were going to kiss at the last hug which was the goodbye one but i just don’t know what to do now.

  • Aly December 16, 2014, 2:26 am

    Hey Kevin, more news, our mutual friend spoke with him today and my ex actually started panicking that we were going to date and started contacting me asking if I liked his friend, and when I reject the friend that I should not hurt him. My ex told his friend he had emotions, that he also hasn’t worked through some feelings too. Then when our friend said he liked me my ex said he didn’t love me and had no emotions what so ever. Which seems contrary to the panicking and earlier statement about emotions in my opinion, as well as contacting me and keeping all our photos. He inquired about my life and conversation between our friend and I, and explicitly said he was curious. I responded briefly and positively. Needless to say it feels like he’s sending out mixed messages, but our friends definitely have peaked his interest and curiosity, if not also jealousy. I summed up our brief exchange with a “By the way, thank you” and left without a real explanation as to why, to keep the curiosity going.
    Additionally I found out the rebound is slightly similar to me and hes keeping it a secret especially from his family that disapproves.
    Any thoughts and ideas on what I can do? Do you think he still loves me or has feelings? Currently I’m just trying to have as much limited contact as possible while using curiosity and jealousy to my advantage.

    • Kevin December 16, 2014, 11:00 am

      Yes, it seems he still has feelings. If your no contact isn’t finished till now, I’ll recommend you don’t contact him anymore. You shouldn’t have replied to his messages in the first place if you are in the no contact period. Continue no contact and let him be curious. If he contacts again, tell him you need space and time and you are not ready to discuss your private life with him yet.

      • Aly December 17, 2014, 3:00 am

        The No Contact seems to be getting increasingly different since I see him in our shared course about 2 to 3 times a week and since we have mutual friends. Today he decided to sit next to me after having his mind wrecked by jealousy/worrying due to our mutual friend getting him curious, and so he tried to ask me questions, make small talk, even briefly brushing against me and touching me. Later during the day I went to a mutual friends when they got off work and a few hours later my ex showed up to hang out. Our friend left to pick up groceries and my ex and I were left alone and he tried once again to talk to me. I had to get home so my ex volunteered to drive me home and it was storming so we ended up parking since the roads were getting flooded, in any case for an hour he let out some of his feelings about our past, that he felt I handled things poorly, was dependent, and was overwhelming, which I already knew. I tried my best to be brief, keep him curious, and let him do the talking. Not at any single point did he mention his rebound girlfriend. He mentioned we should go to a Christmas party, and that he was upset that I haven’t been inviting him to go out with our friends and that I should. He kept touching my legs or brushing his hand against mine and when he finally dropped me off he gave me a few long hugs. I have the worry still that he just wants to be friends, how can I avoid being friendzoned? And in any case, how do I handle having a class with him and encounters with mutual friends? It seems like hes stopped ignoring me and taken an interest back in my life thanks to good news from friends, do I just cut him off cold right now and move away in class and avoid seeing my friends? Also he told me that of recent he’s been spending a majority of his time at home, in class, or asleep, his girlfriend didn’t contact him at all in the time I was with him, which makes me wonder where is she in all this? He started dating her a week after we broke up after we dated for over half a year and yet she seems really absent.

        • Kevin December 17, 2014, 3:57 am

          Hey Aly,

          I will still recommend you do no contact because you haven’t done any till now. Just tell him you need some time and space to deal with the breakup. If you don’t want to do no contact, you can continue letting him chase you for a while and see where it goes. If you decide to continue being in touch with him, make sure you don’t show any signs of neediness and appear confident and happy at all times.

  • Andy December 17, 2014, 8:17 am

    Kevin,

    Given that the ‘proof of the pudding is in the eating’, did the 5 step plan work for you?

  • liela December 17, 2014, 1:32 pm

    Hey Kevin. I have posted 2 times and you still haven’t responded to them.
    I really need your advice and I don’t know why my comments are not approved yet.
    Can you help me?

    • Kevin December 18, 2014, 8:39 am

      Hey,

      The comments over here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. You can ask your relationship questions on the message boards.

  • Joyce Cueto December 17, 2014, 2:22 pm

    This is a really good article, I like it. But I wish I had read it a lot sooner because now I feel like I messed up on the “no contact” method.. Although I think this is what I’m going to start doing. I hope it works.

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