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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.


Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.


STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very attractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.


STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)


If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

6933 comments… add one

  • anjali October 20, 2014, 6:38 pm

    Hi, I submitted a post yesterday. It met the guidelines so I’m not sure why hasn’t been posted. I’m not sure if it just did’t go through and I should post again.


    • Kevin October 21, 2014, 7:03 am

      Hey Anjali,

      Sorry about that, I don’t usually approve new comments here. If you have questions regarding your relationship or breakup, you should post in the message boards. You will get a much faster response.

  • alice October 21, 2014, 2:50 am

    Hi Kevin, i broke up with my boyfriend one month ago, of course i have made all the mistakes you have said not to do,the calling, texting, begging, you name it, now i feel like i have lost him forever because he told me point blank that i need to accept the breakup and move on with my life, the most difficult part is that we work in the same building and i have to see him everyday, i have no idea what to do,I urgently need your help before i go crazy.Thanks.

  • Chris October 21, 2014, 10:58 am

    Hello Kevin. For the first year of my relationship I was a fun, confident guy, whom my girlfriend respected and fell in love with. I too fell in love with her, and we moved in together. At some point I realized I was happier than I had ever been, and had more to lose than ever before. I freaked out, and have spent the past year becoming a desperate, needy bloke who gave her everything she wanted, even if it wasn’t what she needed. I saw she was unhappy but I didn’t realize why, so just pressed harder to be there for her and love her and support her. Trouble was, this was smothering her, and out of the blue, she has told me it’s over, because she loves me, but is not ‘in love’ with me any more. She has explicitly stated that even if she falls in love with me again in the future, she will ignore those feelings. She will never ever come back, because we tried and failed, and she won’t try again. She is a stubborn person, and I am concerned that she will stick to her guns. Truth is, we once made each other very happy, and I can see a future for us. Have you had any experience with people who have tried to win back their ex after a few months of time apart when the person who left is determined not to ever go back? What should I do? I am accepting that we may never be together again, but I truly believe we could have a wonderful future together, and it would be such a shame to see everything we built go to waste.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:13 am

      Yes, it has happened in quite a few cases. You should follow the plan.

  • anil kumar October 21, 2014, 3:01 pm

    hai thank you so much first it was very useful article…u r genious

  • Anjali October 21, 2014, 8:55 pm

    Odd, I guess I will post again and see if it goes through this time. Perhaps my post never registered with the site.

    I’m struggling with deciding how much longer I should do no contact/ or not contact him at all ever again .It has now been a month since we broke up ( I broke up with him) .
    Summary of what happened:

    We dated total 2.5 years, 1 ish year in college, 1 ish year long distance. Relationship in college was great and were at one point thinking marriage. Had some tiffs regarding him prioritizing/ picking me over friends etc. but things got better. Main issue is that he is an investment banker. extremely busy and once he graduated and started working we started doing long distance.

    He basically started making no time for me at point . He always had work. We would chat a lot but phone calls ended up being a once a month thing which i got frustrated with. I said we had to talk more and he kept saying he’d try harder except he never did. I visited him a few times and visits would be great and our connection would be good but it would go to same old same old once i got back.

    In may at one point he told me that all he needed was money and he knew he hadn’t been trying and I should break up with him and find someone better. He didn’t end things with me though. We didn’t break up but things didn’t really get better or worse. I brought up breaking up a few times after that but never actually went through with it but it def. created a lot of tension and things kind of stopped being enjoyable. He got vacation and booked at ticket to vacation instead of coming to see me even though he’s never visited which really upset me.

    Last month, i got very frustrated with not talking on the phone for a whole week again so i called and broke it off. I asked if he was going to stop me. he said ” no, my career’s more important right now.” We hung out. I called him a week later and he didn’t respond so I emailed and told him I think I needed a few months of space but I want to try things again. However, he didn’t respond. it’s been about 4 weeks since I sent the email and i haven’t contacted him again…no begging.

    I’m not sure what to do now. i still want him back i guess, but since he didn’t respond to me idk what to do. Do i never contact him again:? it seems like he’s already done with this and moved on. it also seems like he may just not be ready for the commitment and to settle down on one girl, even though our relationship used to be great.long distance is what made things go south because he wasn’t willing to give the time commitment to keep the connection alive enough. funny thing is though i broke it off, I feel like I got broken up with.

    Do I do another month of no contact and call/ email again? What form of communication would be best. I’m just really not sure how to do this anymore.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:28 am


      You should do another month of no contact. I think a text will be a good place to start. If he doesn’t reply, you should wait another month. If still nothing, you should consider moving on.

      • anjali October 22, 2014, 10:15 am

        What should i say when i reach out when the second month ends? Should I say that it’t been two months and I’ve had the time and space and I want to talk and see where things go, but that I’m not going to convince him if he doesn’t feel the same? That I’m doing this for myself so that I don’t have regrets?

        Or do I contact him casually, ask how he’s doing? I feel like he might see through that pretty easily.

        • Kevin October 24, 2014, 7:40 am

          Start casually. Even if he is suspicious about your intentions, it doesn’t change anything.

  • Kevin October 22, 2014, 7:09 am

    Brief overview.

    -Dated almost a year. Both came from history of previous long term relationships ending in hurt (Say this wondering if I was the rebound). Had a rough patch for a few weeks, relationship ended in July (mostly her idea, agreed it was for the best). Attempted being friends for a couple months. My feelings still lingered visibly, could tell she was feeling it less. Her sister got married in August, planned to be her date months previously. Attended, but things were weird for me and it showed. She was annoyed by my awkwardness when I had to be introduced as her friend. Didnt hang out for a month or so after, but stayed in contact. Called her out on turning down my hangouts. Wrote an appology email after, received a reply of her basically saying “if you want to cut me out of your life, thats your decision….we need time to heal….maybe someday we can be friends” Didnt understand the “cut me out of your life…” mixed with “need time to heal” attempted to text her a couple days after, too much effort and it was felt. Stopped talking. Came across this site and proceeded to reach the 30 day goal. I’m now at week 3 (day 21). Anything you can make from this? Is it worth persuing? Or do I need to lean to let things go? I love and miss the girl but dont want to “hunt her down” so to speak. She’s used to being treated a certain way from previous guys, and I personally think its something she has to outgrow. And the only way (in my eyes) would be if she were the one to come back to me.

    • Kevin October 22, 2014, 8:38 am

      Hey Kevin,

      Considering you both need time to heal, from your previous relationships as well as this one, you should increase no contact to two months. I can’t tell you if it’s worth pursuing or not, it’s for you to decide. If you think she is worth it, it’s worth pursuing. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll know that you tried and it’ll be easier for you to move on.

  • Chris October 22, 2014, 11:21 pm

    So, I’m trying to use this system, but having a hard time with the no contact! Made it 11 days b/f I caved! All the messages I did send were all positive while utilizing your techniques. My ex broke up with me a month ago and still (in my opinion) giving me mixed signals. I guess I’ve only been searching why she neglects to answer my questions about ways to get her own things back? Why she won’t answer if it’s ok to mail her earrings, CD’s, and other things to her house? In addition, asking for things of my own back? Why she won’t respond? Also, why she can’t answer (previously b/f I started this system) my question if she has moved on or not?
    I’m having a real hard time figuring out whether or not I’m just wasting my time bc I don’t have the slightest clue on where she is at.
    I have been on a date (not the greatest date) and really only thought about my ex the whole time.
    I guess since I broke the “no contact” rule does that mean I shiud start over or go to the texts?
    I finally feel that I’m getting to the point of not thinking about her all the time. I know I’m making progress, I just don’t want to lose this one. I really care about her.
    Any and all feedback is much appreciated!

    • Kevin October 24, 2014, 7:56 am

      You should start over. There could be two reasons why she won’t answer to those questions.

      1. She is not ready to let go completely since those things are in a symbolic way the only thing that’s connecting her to you.

      2. She doesn’t want to talk to you at the moment since she is angry/hurt/mad. The things are not that much important to her and she plans to take them later or maybe never.

  • Isabelgonzalezx October 23, 2014, 4:55 pm

    Hey, I’m Isabel. Me and my ex boyfriend met in the beginning of hot summer july. he asked me out a month later..I was so happy. But 2 months later (10.6.14) he broke up with me. Simply because I couldn’t make him happy. When I try to talk to him about our relationship he says I am so negative. And annoying…. I try to be happy but it’s so hard. He says he lost feelings too. What should I do? I really love him…

    • Kevin October 24, 2014, 8:05 am

      Follow the plan Isabel.

  • Mema October 23, 2014, 11:16 pm

    Kevin .. I’ve posted before all the details about my relationship “long version of my story” .. and according that and to his reactions (when we ran into each other and when I texted him non-stoply )..
    in which stage of healing process you think he’s in? ..
    Breakup Pain Healing?
    Bad Memories Healing?
    Missing Me Badly?
    Or Moving On?

    • Mema October 23, 2014, 11:23 pm

      And thanks alot Kevin .. for what you are doing .. helping thousands of couples to be together again .. and not wanting anything in return .. You are GREAT! ..

  • Roberto October 23, 2014, 11:30 pm

    Hey Kevin thank you for your article help me a lot deciding what to do when my girlfriend broke up with me.
    I’m thinking on the pros and cons of the relationship now.
    I haven’t decided if is the best go back to her.

  • Leilani October 24, 2014, 7:36 am

    We always get back on track and then i ask too many questions or try to be too lovey dovey, going solely off of his vibe. I do agree I probably text or message too much but i don’t want to lose him because of it. He told me yesterday to not text him because im aggravating and can’t tell. but the day before he was telling me how much he loved me and my attitude. i responded by telling him there are other guys who want to have sex with me but i dont want it with them and he doesn’t get how much i like it with him and that the day before thats what i meant by he just needs to tell me what he doesnt like about me or things i do and then me too but he has yet to say anything.
    what should i do? go quiet for a few days or weeks? then reach out again?
    i think i only act that way because of how much i like him.

  • alexruiz10 October 24, 2014, 3:24 pm

    My ex broke up with me a week ago. She’s 17 years old and turning 18 in two months and graduating in two months. I’m 20 years old. We dated for 13 months and fell in love with eachother. she recently messaged me saying this about the breakup” we won’t be like this forever, this is just temporary for now, but I see a future with you.
    ,I see us getting Married one day and having kids and exploring the world together, our connection is so strong it won’t ever Break. I’ll never stop loving you but right now I just want you to improve on yourself, we both have a lot of things to work on. Just letting you know this time off won’t be forever”.

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:53 am

      Follow the plan Alex.

  • Mistaken October 24, 2014, 10:26 pm

    I broke things off with my husband after years of manipulation. He’s been working on fixing these issues within himself, but about a week ago I told him to move on with his life. He’s now hardly spoken to me (and we have kids to consider). I miss him like crazy, and I’ve been guilty of breaking all the rules. Can I get him back (even though it was ME that called things off) by following the plan?

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:54 am

      Yes, there’s still a chance.

  • Jennifer October 25, 2014, 4:42 am

    Hey, so the no contact, how does this work with facebook? Do I refrain from writing status about my day or posting pictures showing what I am doing?
    For example “had a great dinner with my friends, thanks for keeping a smile on face” would this count as contact as my ex would be able to read this? Even though it is not directed to him
    Would not being on Facebook for the 30days allow him to think more about what is she doing? He broke up with me 4days ago as he says he didn’t have enough time for me anymore (basically to be with his friends instead) I’ve not contacted him in 3days but have put a number of updates on Facebook and he has be on Facebook A LOT (considerably amount than normal for him) Im afraid my no contact has been damaged by my Facebook statuses

    • Kevin October 25, 2014, 7:59 am

      As long as the status updates are not about your ex, it doesn’t count as breaking no contact.

  • Ilias October 25, 2014, 7:47 am

    Hi kevin
    My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change.

  • Ilias October 25, 2014, 7:50 am

    Hi kevin
    My ex said to me that she hates me and she does not want to have anything more with me and to forget for her forever.no second change for me .

  • Kevin October 17, 2014, 4:57 am


    I think you should do no contact. At least for 2-3 months.

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