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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.


Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.


STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.


STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)


If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

7511 comments… add one

  • Calista January 21, 2015, 7:15 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Actually, i would like to ask what should i do after he proceeds with divorce?

    currently, we have family time together with our child. i treasure our family time and i enjoyed it. i have no regret for the past two years as that was what i wanted to do and thas my time when i realise i have a family, so i treasure it a lot.

    if he proceeds with divorce, would it be better off for both of us not getting together for family time. that is i just drop off my child with him. so that i can get use of my life without him?

    • Calista January 21, 2015, 9:48 am


      I told my husband i am very upset by simply hearing he wants to have a good discussion with me without having even heard about the divorce word. i also told him that if he proceeds with divorce, i won’t continue the family time with him anymore.

      He told me he will put off discussing anything with me. does this sound more hopeful?

      now, what could i do next? i still haven’t finished my minimal contact period. should i just continue with it n then the remaining plan?

      • Kevin January 22, 2015, 4:38 am

        Hey Calista,

        If he wants a divorce even if your relationship is better than before, then it means he doesn’t want to be with you. And I think if he doesn’t want to be with you even after 2 years of separation, then you are better off without him. I agree that you shouldn’t continue family time with him if he goes through with divorce so you can learn to live without him.

        If you still want to fight for him, you should do no contact (or minimal contact with your communications being only about your child). Do it for a couple of months and try to make some positive changes in your life during this time. Any type of positive changes will help in not only getting him back but also getting over him in case you are not able to reconcile.

  • Calista January 22, 2015, 7:14 am

    Dear Kevin,

    I really appreciate your response as i am looking for some guidance during my critical moments.

    After much struggles, my husband wants to discuss selling our joint property as he finds it hard to afford it while he is currently renting a place and is looking for a job. we shared the down payment while he had paid for the mortgage for the past four years till now. i am a bit sad that he raised this but he agrees not to go ahead with divorce at this stage.

    I don’t want to combat his wish n reluctantly agree to sell the flat. he will give me half of the sales proceeds. he said he try to be as reasonable with me as possible.

    i asked him why he is still considering a divorce. he said becox i keep pestering him on and off to move back in and having another child with me. i admit i dont do well on this.

    but now, he is willing to hold off the divorce decision.

    yes, i still want to fight for him as he is not a bad person. aftering hearing the above, do u think i have a chance?

    the fact that he suddenly brought up that topic disrupt my minimal contact plan. from what u said, i just need to continue with it. i m worried that i m running out of time as our seperation date is due. so i thought of hurring off to the next stage – that is to rebuild connect.

    what do u suggest now? thanks.

    • Kevin January 24, 2015, 10:17 am

      Hy Calista,

      “Not a bad person”. Is that what you want to settle for? There are a lot of great guys out there who are caring, thoughtful, loving, loyal and more compatible with you than your ex. Guys who will treat you the way you deserve and will commit fully into making the relationship work.

      If that is your reason for wanting to be with your ex, then I must say that I don’t agree with your decision.

      Nevertheless, it’s your decision and not mine. And if you want him back, I’ll recommend you continue with minimal contact for a couple of months. Only talk to him about the sale and your child. And do as I said in my last comment.

  • Aly January 23, 2015, 1:50 am

    Hey Kevin,
    So an unknown person anonymously let him family and girlfriend know about the pregnancy and he played as if he had just found out too, acting shocked.
    He told me he didn’t want to be friends, that it was probably one of my “messed in the head friends” who told his girlfriend, that he wants me to just get an abortion, get this “all over with and leave me and my crazy issues in the past.”
    According to him his girlfriend wasnt shocked or upset and is acting like I am not pregnant and getting more possessive. He told me he can’t keep taking me to Planned Parenthood or keep talking to me about it.
    Even while he was telling me he didn’t want to be friends and only put up with me due to mutuals it still sounded far from the truth (he wouldn’t reach out on his own/try to see me/keep pictures/show up to see me and take me home/etc. ) and we talked for two hours, half of which was about the pregnancy, the other about random conversation bits such as cars, and our lives, animals and so on.
    I let him know I understand how he felt and that I wanted him to be happy.
    He told me he liked his girlfriend and planned on hooking up with her before I came in his life and he fell in love with me.
    Today tensions were high since we have started fighting about how important going to planned parenthood was, and I ended up walking out to avoid one of us blowing up. He was getting very agitated and he pushed and swore at his closest friend who started defending me. Hes a very calm, laid back person and I’ve never seen him like this before. But tensions and blaming is very high right now and he wants to run and leave me behind.

    What do I do? How do I even begin getting him back Kevin?

    • Aly January 24, 2015, 4:24 am

      Had a talk with him tonight and he admitted to overreacting when he threatened to oermenantly leave and admitted to losing his cool lately due to being really stressed and we agreed not to fight and work together as a team in regards to the pregnancy. He embraced and hugged me and was pretty reassuring and apologetic.
      He still holds to not loving me or wanting to go back because of the past and because he has his current girlfriend.
      How do I get him back at this point?
      Or act towards him?

    • Kevin January 24, 2015, 10:26 am

      Hey Aly,

      I think at this point, you should concentrate more on what’s best for you and the baby than getting him back. There’s a good chance you will not get him back. And you should accept that. You should not push him into getting back together. Like I said in my last comment, you should act like you don’t want him back instead of making it obvious that you want him back.

      • Aly January 30, 2015, 1:09 pm

        Thank you Kevin, I found out he deleted all our pictures but he has also been lying to his girlfriend about us who had no knowledge of anything. She wants to help him and I with the pregnancy and she still feels worried and threatened. He’s on board to help out and go to aoointments but doesn’t want to be involved if I decide to keep the child.
        While the the pregnancy is my number one priority.
        I do still love him and want him back but I don’t know if I should get space or get closer.
        some of his friends have a feeling we will get back together. As of now he started dating the extremely young girlfriend two months ago, a week after we broke up, she told me she thought about breaking up with him but also likes him and has considered going through his entire phone out of worry before because I would text him and he wouldn’t tell her why.
        He and I have casual conversations besides the baby and he got coffee with my friend and I on Monday and kept that a secret.
        I don’t know what to do or what steps to take

  • Annie January 23, 2015, 2:12 pm

    Thank you so much for this great advice. I really needed this… :)

    • Annie January 28, 2015, 11:53 pm

      Thanks so much for putting this out there and for free and for genuinely helping people out. Bless you for doing that. I found all your information here very helpful and useful, and I promise you I would have never found anything so to the point as this anywhere else. This is exactly what I needed to read and it’s right on the money. The way you put everything so simply and laid everything out, it’s perfect. You really helped me out and puts things into perspective. You are amazing and thanks for doing that!! :)

      • Kevin January 29, 2015, 10:52 am

        Thank you for your comment Annie. Good luck. :)

  • Calista January 24, 2015, 7:07 pm

    Dear Kevin,

    Thanks a lot for your concern.

    I am thinking would it be because i keep on pestering him to move back in with me, thas why he is defensive in making a move to get back with me.

    I am not sure if i have told u the reason why we broke up. We married for six years but i didnt respect him n treat him properly as my husband. for the past six years, i didn’t live with him. He has endured n loved me a lot. But since i didnt work on the relationship, his love to me dried up.

    Given we r on seperation mode, what he is doing to me is more decent than most men who had broken up with his gf or wife.

    After hearing the above, would your view to his love / treatment to me change?

    • Kevin January 25, 2015, 3:40 am

      Hey Calista,

      Given you have been separated for the past 2 years and he still doesn’t want to get back together, I still think you should consider moving on. He might be treating you better than most people, but he is not giving you the commitment that you want. If you look at things from a different perspective, him treating you nicely after the breakup is giving you hope and in a way stopping you from moving on. If he had treated you like “most men”, perhaps you would have moved on from him till now and found someone who makes you happy.

      Whatever his reasons are for not going ahead with divorce and giving you hope (not wanting you to move on, not wanting to hurt you, not wanting to breakup his family) are in a way selfish. Like I said before, it’s your decision and if you want him back, you should go ahead and with minimal contact for a few months. But till when are you willing to live like this? Give it one last attempt. Or give yourself a time limit. Six months or a year. If he doesn’t want you back till then, you should give up hope and try to move on.

  • Calista January 25, 2015, 6:40 am

    Dear Kevin,

    Thanks for getting back to me.

    In a way, i think marriage is a life long commitment to me, i haven’t thought about and planned to look for someone else.

    i am not living in u.s.. honestly, in where i m living, there are not many good men. if there are, nearly all of them are already married and unavailable. furtheremore, the people in my country are pretty stereotype. It is not easy for a divorced woman with children to find another partner. most men prefer 20+ women.

    on another note, my counselor had analysed for me that my personality is a bit difficult to get along. there are only a few men would suit me and meet my criteria. my husband is one of them. unless i am able to change my personality, or else my h is who at this stage suits me the best.

    I chatted with my h today. he said he didnt think about proceeding with divorce if i hadn’t reminded him. often times, i played a role in pushing him to a corner where he felt he must get rid of the relationship.

    would you say that the first step if not getting divorce is the first milestone?

    what you said is true in theory. but in reality, i dont find it easy to find someone better than him. if he is willing to keep status quo, i would keep this relationship at this stage for my n my child’s benefit, until i meet someone better which is not easy.

    • Calista January 25, 2015, 6:47 am

      Oh, furthermore, i do not agree with divorce n it is against my wish. i shouldn’t kill the relationship by asking him to go ahead with divorce, should I?

      i m living well now, am enjoying my life on my own and my time with him, it is in a way moving on. i thought having a person whom i can practise how to get along with is a blessing. after divorce, i don’t see any future lies ahead for me… other than continue to be single.

      • Kevin January 27, 2015, 12:55 am

        Hey Calista,

        I think everything you are saying, about your culture and your personality being difficult to get along with, are just excuses you are giving yourself because it is scary to put yourself out there. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you become scared of the single life. It’s one of the biggest reason people find it difficult to move on. But how can you know this for sure unless you have tried?

        But anyways, if you are satisfied with your current arrangement with your ex, then I don’t see any harm with continuing with it. However, I still don’t agree with your reasoning behind it.

        • Calista January 27, 2015, 5:32 am

          Dear Kevin,

          Thanks for confirming my decision to keep the relationship. i have been checking for your replies every other hour.

          your replies have prompted a lot of thoughts in my mind and rethink what i want and where i stand.

          honestly, my husband has never given me any sweet talk to lead me on. it is me who find him worthwhile fighting for. i have a happy time with him now. he treats me well and makes me happy.

          I am already moving on (i.e. not live with him n have my own life). there is no more room for me to move on other than to divorce him. I am moving on but i want to keep the relationship. so far, i havent met any men who is more caring and thoughtful to me than he does. the only thing he has done to hurt me is probably the desire to leave. but he is still around.

          i am also wondering that i may not have done the right steps to save the relationship. instead of using minimal contact, i become a text n call gnats and constantly push him to a corner, yet he still bear with me. i believe other men would have run away already.

          I m not even sure if i can implement minimal contact starting now coz i really love talking. But i take your comments on board. i am moving on, while i keep this relationship as i m happy with him n enjoy being treated nicely.

          • Kevin January 28, 2015, 12:35 am

            Good Luck Calista. I’ll recommend you at least try minimal contact once. Let your ex know that you need space and time for yourself and I am sure he will understand. It’ll also make it easier to go ahead with implementing it once you have told him about it.

          • Calista January 28, 2015, 2:15 am

            Thanks for your recommendation.

            You are right that my ex is very understanding. When I told him I want some space and time from him, he was in fact very supportive and happy with it that I am attempting to make some changes. However, shortly after I said it, I broke it. You know, it is like if I am telling myself not to call him, I am reinforcing my wish to call him. haha. This is an excuse for myself. My ex would say I break what I said. So, I thought I may never be able to implement the correct procedure in winning my ex back. What I have been doing in the past two years are looping what I did wrong and sort of reinforce his decision to leave me is correct. Yet, he is still around. So I reckon that’s a good sign for my chance, as a way to cheer up myself.

            Everyone has a certain degree of selfishness. I am also selfish too. I am keeping him around for the sake of myself, instead of releasing him to the better world. My ex decides not to proceed to divorce is not because he is selfish and keeping on the string. It is because I said if he does so, I will be very hurt. He respects my wish. He has never lead me on…as I said.

            After hearing from your suggestion, it seems that minimal contact is the only way the go as the first step. If I don’t do it, I will never know start the “save the relationship” mission properly. On another note, throughout the past two years, I have been making some positive changes in myself (in terms of appearance which is easier to handle than changing personality, and stay strong). My ex admits that I am attractive. So, the only thing that is missing is the minimal contact.

  • e.p. January 25, 2015, 3:54 pm

    Hello Kevin

    I don’t know if you remember my post but last time I posted you told me to cut contact off with my ex boyfriend for a year but we have a daughter so we have to keep in contact for her since she’s only 2 years old. Anyways he came to visit her and so he was around me but we decided to hang out at my best friend’s house, since I moved back in with my mom. She’s my neighbor and her boyfriend is friends with him so it worked out fine. So he was very friendly with me and was acting like the dad I’ve been wanting him to act like for months. He’s not a bad dad but I know he can do better than he had been showing. We weren’t all up on each other I gave him his space to be with our daughter but he’d ask me a couple things or joke around as a group. We got along quite well, better than we had in a couple months of when we were together. Also I feel like he still has feelings for me but keeps trying to deny them. It helped a lot that you said I’m better off without him because although I love him and still want him back, I’m ok now if it doesn’t happen. I don’t know what happened but I just changed my mentality like I’m open to new things. Again I love him with all my heart but I find myself not worried so much about his social media or thinking about what he’s doing. I know he’s most likely still talking to that one girl but I’m ok with that. Its hard to explain but in other words I still would like for us to get back but if it doesn’t happen I’m ok with moving on. Thank you so much. Another little update we seen each other again 2 days later after he came to visit to see our daughter but only to pick up our daughter he started talking to me about his job & he’s been going through there. He’s nice to me and we actually get along. I don’t feel awkward being around him or to see him anymore. It feels nice to know we can get along after he swore we couldn’t and thats why he broke up with me. I have made some physical changes in my life I went from being 160 lbs to 129 lbs so that boosted up my self-esteem and I feel great. I actually feel I’m maturing a bit from this situation little by little. Again not going to lie to myself or anyone by saying I don’t want him back because I still do and I still love him but yeah I just wanted to update you a little on what’s been going on and to thank you!

  • Minstar January 28, 2015, 2:18 pm

    How do you do NC when you have children? We have four together and neither of us is willing to miss out on basketball games, etc. Also, he left me (married for 18 yrs and he cheated and is living with other woman now) and left me with the bills to figure out. He was in charge. Do I just do it by myself? I could be making big mistakes if I don’t consult him but maybe it’s worth it? Please advise.

    • Kevin January 29, 2015, 10:51 am

      I wrote about no contact with kids on this page. For the basketball games etc., I guess you will have to meet up with him. But try to keep the interactions with him minimum. Take a friend with you if possible so you have someone to talk to. If you need help with the bills, you can call him if it’s absolutely necessary, but it’ll be a better idea to ask someone else who also has experience with bills (a friend or family).

      • Minstar January 29, 2015, 9:32 pm

        He wants to be the one to make the decisions on the bills and how they are paid. I’d rather he stay out of it and let me do it now but he wants to be in control of how his money is spent (even if it’s to the detriment of paying down our debt). So do I just let him keep being in charge? If I got my separate account he would go ballistic and think I was trying to control him which would send him into a warring mindset.

        • Kevin January 29, 2015, 11:38 pm

          Interesting. If I were you, I’ll still get a separate account. Tell him that it was his decision to be separate and you have to learn to take care of yourself and not depend on him. Let him know that it’s not your intention to hurt him with this action or prove something to him. It is a part of you moving on from the breakup and if he wants to breakup, then he should be accepting of this. If you say it in a calm manner, he will probably understands. If he goes ballistic, cut contact with him for a while and give him time to process his thoughts. He will eventually calm down and accept it.

  • Esther January 29, 2015, 7:22 pm

    I sent you a comment a few days ago. Did you receive it?

    • Kevin January 29, 2015, 11:34 pm


      The comments here are heavily moderated and I only approve very few of them. I’d recommend you post your questions on the message boards.

  • e.p. January 30, 2015, 6:08 pm

    That’s great e.p. I am glad your mentality has changed. Remember, there’s a good chance he will want you back at some point in the future. At that point, do not be too quick to accept him. Take your time to think things through. In my opinion, if you take him back, things will go back to the way they were. Him constantly cheating on you and you hoping he will change. So think very carefully before taking him back.

    Sorry I had to copy & paste because it wasn’t letting me reply.

    Yes I will be more careful and think it through very carefully when it comes to making that decision. I need to see changes before I can even think about it and I will not just take him back like nothing. My self-esteem has gone up so much that I know I deserve to be happy and I will not settle for less. If he shows changes but then goes back then I will not put up with it because I don’t need that in my life, or just plain any other guy and their b.s. in my life. Thank you once again! :)

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