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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to get through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat_begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

 

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very attractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

 

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here

Women Click Here

 

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2296 comments… add one

  • mosh rose April 17, 2014, 12:58 pm

    hi kevin

    i really need your help there has been a development and i dont know what to do ..

    well we met. 2 weeks after the breakeup. when we met she told me she could not sleep the night before from exitment.. we spent the whole afternoon together, drank wine, went to great restaurant.. we talked a lot.. she still want to be alone with her thoughts, told me she felt the relationship held her from moving on in life and finding what she really want to do..
    she told me she dosnt want anybody else but me.. and she wants to continue to see me once a week for fun and sex and that she loves me, but cant give anything back right now because she is 100% self focused on herself.
    when i told her i dont see what is the point on meeting once a week she told me that if i want other girls then there is no point.. but if i dont want other girls then “why not?” , after the date we went to my place and had AMAZING SEX! , she left this morning sending me a text she had the most amazing time with me and that she loves me.
    we where supposed to travel abroad for 5 days in june, and yesterday she told me she still want to go (i have the tickets hotel everything already booked) and if i will tell her that i will not cancel the tickets and hotel we will have the most amazing time together.
    when i told her she is not being fair with me, she told me she will accept every decision i will make but that she will not give up on me or forget about me that quickly.
    i really love her.. i dont know what to do.. what is the best way to act on this? this is very confusing :-((((
    please give your take on this .
    thanks.

  • Jay April 17, 2014, 3:30 am

    Hi Kevin,

    So I was with my fiance for 3 years, we were in so much love. Along the way she did find some messages from other girls in my phone which gave her trust issues with me but she stayed by mysids. We have been having family issues, my family, mainly my mother and sister, my sister always needs to be queen B in all situations, always looked down on my fiance so they were always hot and cold. At the end of the relationship my brother inlaw broke up with my sister, my brother inlaw is my ex fiance’c boss. My sister moved back to our family house in another city but myself and my ex fiance stayed up where we all lived, next door to my ex brother inlay. This was hard due to he said she said going back and forth from my sister and her ex… Having my ex fiance working under my ex brother inlaw this caused a lot of hostility between me, my family, my ex’s family.

    We went to thailand for a wedding, I found messages from a guy that my ex fiance works with, he also has / had a gf. they started to message each other more and more..I asked her about it and she said they are new in town and dont know anyone..which i thought was a little weird but ok.. We came back from our holiday, everything was good, we were working things out, her mother than put a post on facebook saying that my ex shouldnt move back to our home city, stay where she is, she should let idiots (my family) bring her down..My family seen this on facebook and said to me they want nothing to do with the family..I couldn’t control this so she said to me ” I need time and space “. Since then I didnt do the no contact, I messaged, texted and called..emailing pics of us saying I love her and I want her back! After the first couple of days of me moving back to my home city, she did message me a few pics our her and our dog saying ” your girls for ever ” etc and that she couldnt deal with it all and she misses me..It’s been 2 weeks now and she hasnt really contacted me unless its about the house that we just moved out of or sending my belongings back home. I have done a little bit of no contact, I havent said anything about our relationship to her, just working out finances.

    I’m sitting here thinking that she may be well and truely over me? Has she started to see this new guy? I mean, she hasnt once called or text in 2 weeks to see if I’m ok? Do you think shes under pressure from her family not to see me due to my family? I’m really lost! She did say when we broke up that I’m the only guy in her life and she wants to marry me but she hasnt said anything about that for 2 weeks..

    What are your thoughts?

  • Ophelia April 16, 2014, 6:24 pm

    Hi Kevin.
    So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. It’s been a really great relationship, we have a fun friendship and are very goofy together. But somewhere along the line, times got tough. We argued a lot over little things. I would try to talk about things on how we can better handle our disagreements, and it never went anywhere. He would anger easily and want me to be quiet. He would either storm off or hang up the phone. I wanted it to be so good so badly. After a while he just didn’t want to hear anything. He lost all patience for everything. I think that we just needed to go about our communication in a different way. Things that shouldn’t be arguments turned into heated arguments. So a couple weeks ago he just about had it. He was ready to break up. He came over my house, we talked it out, I couldn’t sway his mind. I accepted it. He was about to walk out the door, but he stopped himself. He didn’t want it to end, he still loved me and cared about me. We gave it another shot. It was going okay, but a few times he would get short with me. It was like walking on eggshells with him. So a couple days ago, he was busy with my grandmothers neighbor doing her yard work. I didn’t hear from him all morning till after school that day (2:30). I was a little upset that he couldn’t find at least a second to shoot a Hello to me. But I still understood he was busy. So he comes over my house, he’s fine. I asked him, “Hey I haven’t heard from you all day, what’s up?” And he answered, “I was busy”. That just pushed my buttons and I lost myself… My emotions got the best of me. I kept going on and on about why he couldn’t have just said a small Hi, blah blah.. And I regret it very much. It was stupid of me. I shouldn’t have gotten as mad as I did, I shouldn’t have said what I said. I tried to explain that to him while he was still there… But it was already too late. He was livid, he stormed out the house.. We were pretty much completely done right then and there. Luckily… My mother bumped into him at his work. She talked to him and was able to calm him down, told him not to make any decisions under all the anger he was feeling. So it’s a couple days later now. My mom lets me know he got in contact with her. He said that he doesn’t want to work anything out and he’s done his thinking.. He came over earlier today to talk about this. I suggested something that could help us. I suggested we take a whole month to ourselves to get rid of any stress, work on anything for ourselves, then we’d get together after. He wasn’t willing to do any of that, he didn’t agree with my thought. I didn’t beg..I accepted it.. I told him I still wanted to be friends, and he wanted that too and that made him happy. So we decided- we’ll take a month to ourselves for space and time, and then we’ll talk and be friends. We’ll still see each other. He did say that he sees a chance in the future for us and I say the same.. But now my question for you Kevin is.. Do you think that our friendship can spark something up again? What are some things that I can do? Please help me. I love this guy so much and he means the world to me, and our relationship is so important to me.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 1:07 pm

      Hey Ophelia,

      Yes, it can. You should make a lot of positive changes during this month and work on your issues. For example, learn to handle your emotions in a better way so you don’t blow up over small things like you did in the past.

  • T April 16, 2014, 5:55 pm

    Kevin,

    My SO broke up with me after 14 months. Our relationship was going really smooth, we moved in together 6 months ago, there is a really good connection and we truely made each other happy. I meet his parents a month ago and it went amazingly well. He was ecstatic and so was I. The month following he seemed disconnected, he still told me he loved me, we spent a lot of time together. We started planning a recurring date day to keep things fresh. Out of nowhere he broke up with me telling me he is confused, he doesn’t know what he wants, he doesn’t know what is out there. I found out he felt that we stopped growing when we moved in together and that spark was starting to disappear, and he felt “safe” with me. We never fought but we feel into routine. Before the parents trip he said he thought I was the one. Fast forward a week after I keep finding excuses to text him, just a couple things a day. We meet up to talk 2 days ago, but I realize now I need to apply NC ASAP. We left things open that both want to work at friends. He wanted me to keep the room and all the furniture and he would find another place…and all my stuff is there as I have been at a friends in the meantime. I realize I need , or he needs, to move ASAP. As far as social media goes, should I leave my FB and twitter up to let him see how I’m doing (better as I work on me…) or disconnect for a while? He’s told our mutual friends to focus their energy on me and help me through this and has shut a lot of people out through the process. He worried about me as he knows I’m upset. At the same time I discovered from him that he’s confused about feelings for another person, who he is now spending a lot of time with. I have confirmed he hasn’t cheated and part of the break up is he felt he couldn’t truly be mine while having second thoughts. It seems like a rebound as they are exactly the opposite of his type, and myself, and he was having a hard time with it leading up to our break up(which I think was the trigger). Do I have a good handle on the situation. How should I handle the move, obviously wanting NC to start ASAP.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 1:04 pm

      Discuss with him about the move. And keep the conversation just about that. As for social media, it’s up to you. IF you think you can stay on facebook without obsessing over his profile, then let him be, if not, disconnect from him.

  • Linda April 16, 2014, 4:29 pm

    My boyfriend of 3 months and I broke up because he said he couldn’t handle my emotions anymore and also he said he doesn’t see me in his life. A week before the break up he was just telling me he sees a future for us. I have been staying with No contact for almost 21 days but the problem is I still have a lot of my things at his place and I don’t know what to do. Wait till no contact is over to get my things or do it now and maybe approach him after the 50 days I give myself and him??

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:49 pm

      IF you don’t need the things immediately, then wait till no contact is over. If you need it, then you can get it back from him as long as you don’t talk to him about any other topic.

  • John April 16, 2014, 4:11 pm

    Hey Kevin-

    My ex and I are in college. She broke up with me at the end of January claiming she wasn’t happy for the last 3 months of our relationship (even though she said during that time frame she was, and that she loved me, and that she wanted our relationships to keep growing). She later claimed I was too controlling, possessive, and I made her unhappy. When in reality she comes from a rough domestic situation and lives a stressful life at school which is in part why I think she’s unhappy. It was a really nasty breakup and I pursued her for most of the month of February when I shouldn’t have. It got to a point where I said eff it and just let her be. She would text me like once a week saying dumb stuff, “can I bring your clothes back?” (even though she claimed to have gotten rid of them). “Are we not going to talk when we see each-other in person?” The last time we talked in person it had been about 3 weeks since we spoke in person. she texted me during those three weeks, but I didn’t give her much to work with. Then, I texted her and said I wanted to chat in person sometime and she texted me back later that night wanting to talk right then and there, in my dorm room of all places, it was 2 AM. So I ended up talking to her at a neutral place and told her how i was feeling and told her how I’ve been better and what I’ve been doing. She still maintained that she didn’t want to be with me, but she practically interrogated me after I said my part. Asking me things such as “hows your family, hows your dog, hows your sister, how’re your parents, did you go out tonight, are you going to go out tonight, what’ve you done since we’ve been broken up that I’d be mad at had you done it while we were together?” The conversation ended up just running in circles. A couple of weeks later my birthday passed and she sent me a message late that night saying “happy birthday, please drive back to campus safely, i hope you had a great day” which struck me as odd because it had the same kind of undertone as a message she would send like when we were dating. I replied and said “thanks”. Later that night (1 AM) she liked my photo on Instagram, but she doesn’t even follow me. Then the next night she followed me on twitter. Kevin, what should I do? I think she wants to be together based off of her actions and how she looks at me in person when we talk, etc. But she just fights her feelings like crazy, and tries to convince herself otherwise. IDK. Right now I’m doing the NC, aside from saying thanks to the b-day text. Do ya think she’ll wanna get back together? Is there anything else I should do? I have been going out a lot more, and having fun with friends, and hanging out with other females. I still know how I feel about my ex, but I don’t know what more I can do.

    Thanks!

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:48 pm

      Yes, I think she will want to get back together in the future. If you read the article, then you already know what to do. Just make sure when you get back in touch, you don’t talk about getting back together and don’t be needy in any way.

  • Troy April 16, 2014, 4:00 pm

    My name is Troy I’m 45 my ex she’s 26. We had a falling out 7 weeks ago and within 3weeks of break up she started seeing someone else who turned out to be a tier 3 sex offender, she knows and still sees him. We talk but I noticed she doesn’t call back when she says she will,but will text. We were in a relationship for 10 months. Should I not communicate any longer?

    now I notice she doesn’t return my calls like before but she wille communicate through text. We.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:46 pm

      Yes, you should stop contact. That guy is probably a rebound and the relationship will not last long.

  • cherry April 16, 2014, 1:50 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Saw your post it was good to see this kind of post. I had a big problem in my life. Me and My girl friend were very close and used to share all information with me. But later on some third person became as her friend and she introduced him to me. Because of him we had fight several times but this it was huge one which was very harsh at this time he said he is loving her. I was totally shocked with his reaction and i abused my girl friend and slapped her out of my possessiveness. Now she even not responding to my messages and calls because of my harsh activity on that day. She even said to me that she is not loving me anymore and don’t want to live like before we used to. She responds to call some times and saying don’t call me many times when ever she wants to talk with me then only she is calling me. Can you help me what should i do to get her back in my life as before.. Please respond.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:32 pm

      You should follow the plan Cherry. Make sure you send her the apology letter mentioned in the article.

  • Carly April 16, 2014, 12:25 pm

    Hello,

    I had previously been with my ex for FOUR years but it was always on n off we’d be good for couple of months then break up over something stupid like he got mad i walked out on our fight (to avoid a bigger fight) or because i “snap” all the time …which i dont i have completely changed not for him but for myself to be a better person rarely do i get mad at him n when i do he gets mad at me n blames everything on me n we break up(he bteaks up with me)…..and as sick of it as i am i love him because when we’re good we are sooo good better than I’ve ever been with anyone but when we’re bad we’re soo bad probably doesnt help that we’re both scorpios n have a similar character. ..anyways i just want to know if this is going to work and help us STAY together. ..I’ve already messed up by calling/txting him trying to work things out after we’d already broken up…i did this for about 8 days n he just said no that i wasnt for him etc etc n that he loves me but knows we’ll NEVER work…but in the past he’s told me how we’re made for each other etc etc…is there hope that we’ll actually fix this n stay together this time or is it time i move on?

    • Carly April 16, 2014, 12:27 pm

      I’m 21 and my ex is 24 by the way.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:22 pm

      Hey Carly,

      Whether or not it can work this time is for you to decide. That’s why you should apply no contact for 30 days.

  • daisy18 April 16, 2014, 12:19 pm

    hello Kevin…
    ive done my best to pursue NC and im currently at day29.. my exbf texted me twice..once on day 26 (sayin hello and how was i doin)and on day 27 (which was weird bcoz we ran into each other but he didnt see me SEE him) but he texted me (2nd time) that he saw me and textes to confirm if it was me.
    i didnt reply at all.. coz im still in NC..and im scared if i ignore and he will think that ive moved on and he forgets me or if i reply even when NC is over..im givin my cards up too easy and too soon? and i think about the “what now” after ive replied… takin it he is extremely stubborn (it shows)..i didnt expext him to text the 2nd time after me not replyin 2 d 1st one.

    im confused..with what if this is the sign NC has worked and im lettin the chance go, what if this is where it all begina again but how do i know he isnt just checkin if i still dig him or seein if i havnt changed
    VS whay ppl say “men want what they cant have” or “men h8 bein ignored” all that is eatin me up into textin him..but if i do im scared “thats it so what now?” please tell me what to do…Appreciate any of ur advices.

    Thank You so much. xx

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:20 pm

      Hey Daisy,

      It’s OK that you ignored his messages. Ignoring him a little bit is helpful in my experience. Get back in touch after a couple of days as mentioned in the article.

  • Lacey April 16, 2014, 12:08 pm

    Hey Kevin, I’m back with an update. After the kiss last week, I didn’t really expect anything big to happen so soon after that and I thought my ex was gonna ignore me this week but he didn’t. However he seems to be busy and when I asked him if he had plans after work on Monday, he said he had some running around to do. And lately when I text him, he’s not really engaged, even though he does always reply; it’s normally just him answering whatever question I had. I don’t know how he went from flirting and kissing last Friday to being somewhat distant now. He’s not ignoring me completely but I just wanna know if he really is just busy (I know that we can’t really talk or act flirty at work because of so many people around in a hectic environment so I’m not complaining about that) or did that kiss last week have anything to do with how things are going now.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 10:09 am

      He is probably confused. It’s a classic hot and cold behavior. It’ll pass. Give him some space. I’d say about a week or two then ask him out again.

  • Jason April 16, 2014, 6:56 am

    Hi Kevin,

    So the point of no contact is to get your ex to miss you and think about you. What if she doesn’t miss you? What if she’s already talking to another guy and doesn’t really miss me because that guy is getting her attention? What do I do if she doesn’t miss me?

    • Jason April 16, 2014, 8:51 pm

      Like I saw her out with friends etc. and she hasn’t really messaged me when we’ve been away, I’ve kinda got the feeling she likes being away from me and has gotten used to not talking to me. What should I do now? Please help me Kevin!

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 9:38 am

      The point of no contact is not just that. Read the article. And even if there is some other guy, she is still going to miss you if you had a meaningful relationship with her. Like I said, rebound relationships don’t last.

  • abby April 16, 2014, 3:18 am

    Hi Kevin
    We have been together more than 12yrs and we ‘re both 24.We broke up twice during 12yrs. We are happy couple for 12yrs and he did really good for me. Now we are having a long distance relationship since last oct. After he moves to china, we have a lot of argument about nightlife. First two months we still had phone call every night. (before he move to china, we uses to talk every night) Two months later, he always disappears and start did not pick up his phone and reply msg.

    When he came back, we had talked our situation. He said he would try to pick up his phone. In fact, he didn’t even get worst. And I made a mistake, when he disappears, I will try to call him until he answer.

    Last holiday, I went to china to visit him, I found that he had brought two movie tickets on valentine day. I think that he might have a new gf. After that I ask him why, he said it could be brought for others, why u always think i got new gf. I asked him how could we still together? He said he could. After I back to my town two days, he disappeared again. I try to call him, after few calls, he turned off his phone. And we haven’t contacted others for four days. After that he msg me, babe, how are u? After one day I reply him “not bad”. In fact, I was a mess, total mess. Now we still have msg every day,reply faster than before but he never find me, he just reply me and he refuse to talk to me on phone.

    Next week he will be back for 3 days, so what should I do? Should I meet him? Since we haven’t break up yet, should I start no contact rule? I really want to back to normal. I love him so so much.

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:35 am

      I think you should break up with me. He clearly cheated on you and this LDR is clearly making you unhappy. A relationship is supposed to help you grow and make you happy. This relationship is just making you more and more miserable every day. It’ll be better if you break up and try to move on. If in the future, you two cross paths again, perhaps you can get back together. But until then, both of you will be happier if you broke up.

  • Mark April 15, 2014, 11:16 pm

    Hey Kevin
    My girlfriend of three years broke up with two weeks ago.She said I was too controlling and possessive. In addition, she also said that she doesn’t see herself going back in a relationship with me and she wants time to be herself. However she called me last week and said she still wants to be friends and I can talk to her even though we are not together. I told her I needed space and time for myself.On Sunday she texted me again telling me to enjoy my day( I didn’t reply ). What are my chances of getting her back and how can I do it?

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:27 am

      Pretty good chances. Follow the 5 steps.

  • Gina April 15, 2014, 10:54 pm

    Dear Kev,

    I just received a text from my ex.I ve been on NC for exactly 3 weeks since we last spoke. He owes me some money and he asked my bank details last week and I never replied him. But I told my sister to send him the details. He has texted me today saying he needs to talk to me cz he wants to know the exact amount. But when I rang him when I got to know he is in the town , he didn’t answer my call but has asked my sister to tell me not to contact him again ( This was about 3 weeks ago) . He obviously didn’t even wait until he got here so we could discuss things and sort something out but found a 19 year old air hostess on facebook. He didn’t even respect the relationship we had for almost 5 years. Its been 5 months since he confessed he cheated on me and he has been dating for 3 months. I deactivated my fb , turned off the online status on viber and for my surprise he has unblocked me on whatsapp recently. I turned off my last seen status over there too. I don’t know why he is doing all that ! Please tell me what to do! if I talk to him it will feel like we are on a financial conference where I will have to say the amounts I have given him. I feel so cheap to sound like we are talking on business.I read the msg and switched off my phone now. What should I do ? I cant sound harsh to him cz I still love him dearly and miss him all the time. He was a part of our family and I miss him when we go on family trips and dinners. Pls Kev, tell me a good way to sort out this situation. Thank you so much . I owe u big! hugs!!
    Gina

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:26 am

      Hey Gina,

      Can’t you just tell your sister to tell him the exact ammount? Or just message him or email him? There is no need to talk on the phone, in my opinion.

      • Gina April 16, 2014, 11:24 am

        May be I should leave it for couple more days and send him a msg then!Will my silence make him think that I have forgotten him completely?

        • Kevin April 17, 2014, 10:05 am

          No it won’t.

    • Nicole April 16, 2014, 12:28 pm

      Hi,
      My ex and I had been together for 9months we recently broke up 5days ago. He broke up with me because he over heard a conversation between me & my cousin she asked me was I going to wear the promise ring the night we going to go out to a night club and I said I don’t know I might take it off. I only said it because my feelings were hurt. The reason why my feelings were hurt is because I went through his phone and seen he had been texting this girl telling her he was going to be in town for Easter & they should hang out. He asked if she lived alone asked her to send a pic to save to his contact and last he asked if she had a boyfriend. Seeing all that really hurt. When a week before we had an agreement that we wouldn’t talk or txt other ppl. I seen the msgs between the two of them on Friday & he gave me the promise ring the day after. When he heard what I said he hung up the phone & called me back saying I’m a lost cause he never wants to see or hear from me again & told me to move out of his grandmothers house. I really love him & want him back in my life. I sent two msgs a day after he broke up with me now in doing the no contact rule. He’s 20 & I’m 23 do you think we still have a chance?

      • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:26 pm

        Did you tell him your reason? If after hearing what you said, he is still like this, then you should really think hard before getting back with him. You do have a pretty good chance of getting him back. But I think your relationship has a lot of communication problems and you should work on that before getting back together.

  • Salena April 15, 2014, 9:43 pm

    Kevin,
    My ex and I dated for a year and 10 months, we are both 20. Today would be our two years but he broke up me two months ago. I am eight months pregnant now with his child. I did everything you said not to do in the first month we were apart. He has ignored me and shut me out for the most part. He said right after we broke up that he would go to doctor appointments and do everything he could to be there for his daughter, but has since missed 3 appointments. I am trying no contact now for the past 2 weeks. I have realized my mistakes and am a much happier person already. I have dealt with depression for the past 5 years and think I am finally overcoming it because of this. This weekend I have 2 prenatal classes that I had signed up for with my ex. They should help us deal with being parents, but because of our situation now I’m not sure if I should ask him to go with me or let him wonder why I am not contacting him anymore. I don’t want to do anything to ruin our chances for getting back together. I feel like he will see it as me trying to back him into a corner. If I do continue no contact for the next 2 weeks though I’m not sure if he will feel left out by me not telling him about the classes even though he hasn’t said anything about them now. I fully believe that during my no contact he will not try to contact me and keep trying to move on himself. Even when I was depressed and needy and asked if he thought we would get back together he could only tell me that he didn’t know. I don’t know if this was him just letting me down easy or if he really is unsure. I know if I had told someone I wasn’t in love with them anymore like he did my answer would have been no. Thank you for all your advice and listening to my story.

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:24 am

      Hey Salena,

      If he knows about the classes already, you don’t need to remind him. It’s his kid as well, and if he’s interested in helping you with the child, he will show up for the classes. Even if he doesn’t you shouldn’t try to contact him using the child as an excuse. If he’s interested, let him contact you and you should reply to him. I hope things work out for you and you two do get back together. However, I’ll recommend you be prepared for worst as there is always a chance that he will never come back.

  • sky April 15, 2014, 8:34 pm

    23 years old, short term relationship but the one of the most amazing we probably had , i screwed up when i was abroad cheating on her, and this makes her lose her feelings for me and she told me that she still wanted to meet but she needed space because she was confused.

    I screwed up again because instead of apologizing after this and trying in a good way, i acted like with ego and proud telling her that i was busy all time to speak with her.

    After a month and a half when i realized she moved on, i apologized with a letter and she told me that we had to keep good memories, and to stay friends.

    But as we were again having good moments for two days i started to act in a way she interpreted like needy and like i wanted to come back so she became so cold to me until i ask her why she was doing it.

    By phone she answered angry that as i probably hurted some girls from when i was a “player” and i dated more than one girl ( we were friends before this so she knew about my hook up times), that i have to accept that she may be bipolar but she no longer likes me. We ended well the convertation , staying finally as friends and having fun.

    After this I have stayed two weeks of no contact for healing myself, but in a week im going to she her in an event-party. And obviously not needy but i dont know if act like hello and goodbye( like i dont give a shit anymore but in a kind way) and after this a text in a few days, or trying to have a good talk and try to arrange a short meeting for other day.
    (my plan would be to reconnect, gain trust again like friends and with meetings,tiiime patience and my game be able to start again)

    Yes i know it’s a difficult situation, but inside me i know that i still have this sort of connection when im with her, and that if there is a one is probably she.

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:17 am

      Don’t try to arrange a meeting in the party. But don’t ignore her completely either. Treat her like an acquaintance. Be cordial. But keep the conversations short. Less than 5 minutes.

      • sky April 16, 2014, 6:46 pm

        Thanks man! after party what plan do u recommend? try with a text next days or waiting some days, or just letting time go and continue with my life ?

        Ur job is amazing!

        • Kevin April 17, 2014, 1:09 pm

          Wait a week and then text.

  • Tai April 15, 2014, 8:03 pm

    hey kevin i just wanted thank you for all the advice on this site…im going through a rough time with the girl i love and this helped me see more clearly.. GREAT advice and i will defintely be using it!
    much thanks

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:14 am

      You’re welcome Tai. I am glad my website helped.

  • Herman April 15, 2014, 7:56 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex and I are 20. We dated for a year and a half and broke up a little over a month ago. She wanted to break up and remain friends. I know she is emotionally devastated. I’ve completed the 30 days and feel a lot better than when I started. I feel like I could go after other people and move on, but I still miss her and want to fix our relationship. I just sent the letter, only in email form. During the 30 days, she has made no attempt to contact me. What should I do if she doesn’t contact me after the email?

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:13 am

      Send her a text after a week.

  • James April 15, 2014, 6:50 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    My name is James and i’m currently 21 years old and my now ex girlfriend is 22 years old and her name is Meghan. I met her in high school I was 17 and a junior and she was a senior. It was love at first site. She had bad relationships before me and I treated her with all the respect in the world. She loved me and I loved her. We were together for 3 years staying close for college. It was in april of 2013 when we broke up the first time. She got her own apartment and things started to get too comfortable and more and more fights occurred. She told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore and that we should be apart. I was heart broken. All summer I tried getting her back I thought she was the love of my life. I then found out she was seeing a guy she use to be friends with back in high school named Brian. That was the hardest part for me. She started dating him 2 months after our break up. I thought she had finally moved on and was happy. I went through your 5 step procedure without even knowing it. Found happiness within myself and dated around and transferred schools.
    Fall came around and it was her birthday. I sent her a simple text saying happy birthday and to give her family my love. That night she called me drunk saying she loved me and that Brian was in the other room but that I was the only one she loved. We had some small talk after that night and she said she wanted to be with me again and that she would leave Brian for me and that she never loved him. I was so happy I was finally getting the girl I loved back. Everything was perfect and we had that spark back. We dated for 6 months and then she all of the sudden broke up with me again in March. I was right back to where I was a year ago. She told me she loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and she needed space. I then found out she was seeing Brian again, 3 weeks after our break up. I hit rock bottom. I tried giving her all my love so that I would never lose her again or ever have that gut wrenching feeling like the whole world was going to end but I lost her anyway. She completely cut off contact with me and left me lower then I’ve ever felt. I can’t believe she would do this to me. When she needed me the most and told me Brian was never there for her I was there for her and then she just leaves me like I meant nothing to her. Why would she do that? I feel like I’m suffering to get through everyday and she is just fine cuddling with Brian. I thought he was just her rebound but now she’s always with him again. I know that I should probably move on but I really do love her. I don’t know what to do Kevin. How do you keep the girl you love in your life. Should I just move on for good this time?

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:12 am

      Well, I think you should. At this point, you’ve given everything you have to offer and it ends in breaking up again. This time, you should accept that you are better off without her. Do you want to put more effort into getting her back only for her to leave you again after 6 months? And leave you even more heartbroken than this (if that’s even possible)?

  • lou April 15, 2014, 6:18 pm

    Hey kevin
    as you know me and my ex were in a secret relatuonship for 3 1/2 yrs. as shes so scared of anyone finding out. its been 2 months since we broke up now and as u know i outed her begged pleaded all the stuff forfirst 6 weeks. now one of her friends found me ob twitter and fillowed mr on twitter. as i know how scared my ex is of anyone finding out about me i messaged her to tell her this. she replied lou u need to move on i never want u in my life. so i was being nice with what she fearws the most and thats how she treats me. why is she doing this??

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:08 am

      Hey lou,

      As I’ve repeatedly told you, you need to apply no contact. You are just looking for an excuse to contact her and it makes you look needy and desperate. She is doing this because you are needy and desperate. Unless you apply no contact for 45 days, you don’t have any hope.

      • lou April 16, 2014, 8:34 am

        Ok this is fair enough, she rang me today to give me info, re prescription of mine, she said answer your phone or you wont get chance to speak to me again, when I called she was cival, but then said I have to go wish u all the best. (I answered this before I read your comment sorry) why did she rather ring then email me, and then suddley go? Is this games?

        • Kevin April 17, 2014, 9:46 am

          Lou,

          Think about this. If you called her and she didn’t answer the phone. And then if you sent her the same message, that is “answer the phone or you won’t get a chance to speak to me again”, what will she do? She won’t do anything. She will even laugh at you and still won’t answer your phone. You know why? Because she knows you are needy and desperate for her. She has ALL THE POWER. And you are letting her have it. She is enjoying this power over you. The only way to reverse it is to apply no contact. If she calls you again, don’t answer. If she keeps calling for more than 3 days continuously, then send her a short message telling her you need space and time and you’ll appreciate it if she doesn’t call you. That is the only way you even have a chance of getting her back. You have broken no contact again. That is why, you need to start again. Starting today. Yes, I know it will be more than 3 months since the breakup if you start no contact now. It’s OK. You will still have a chance. But only if you actually follow it this time.

          • Lou April 17, 2014, 10:55 am

            Hey Kevin,
            Thank you again for all your hard work and advice, I owe you so so much, really do, you are a good man!
            So 3 months wont be to long for her to move on?
            What will she think when I make no contact? and at what stage of the 45 days will she start feeling the affects of no contact?
            Why was she telling me to move on she wants nothing to do with me?

  • Josy April 15, 2014, 5:47 pm

    Hey Kevin back again,
    So I went home for the weekend and hung out with friends went to a concert and everything. Then my ex texts me with sad faces and says he really misses me and wants to hang out and catch up. We hang out the first day with his brother (which he didn’t know was coming) and we had a great sweet time just as friends and it was just overall good. Then we hangout again the next day and he warns me that I might not want to come this time because of where him and his boys conversations end up since i would be the only girl there. I still went because I thought it would only be small stuff that I could handle. Well I went and my ex talked about girls around me (like rating girls that walked by) and his friends started these conversations. In the end when he was dropping me off i started crying and got upset which made him get really defensive when I told him the stuff he was saying such a miss you and sad faces weren’t displaying a just friends vibe. And he got defensive saying thats what he does to his friends and what not. I sent him a snapchat and I sent that one to a lot of other people and he responded. I’m wondering did I mess everything up? What to do now?

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:03 am

      OK, I read all your past comments and I don’t see you finishing no contact till now. You have been in contact with him on and off but you didn’t complete no contact. So, I’ll recommend you start no contact and this time, don’t get back in touch with him unless you are ready to do so. Se the checklist at the beginning of step 4 in the article.

  • Kayla April 15, 2014, 5:31 pm

    He broke up with me on yesterday, and it didn’t hit me until an hour later. I can not stop thinking about him. I have been dreaming about him every night even when we were together. I really want him back, for than you can imagine. he is the only one that makes me feel like I can be my true self. I don’t know what to do with myself. everywhere I go I am ending up in a place where we were happy together, and that makes me even sadder. Today at the end of school when people are whating for their bus to go home. I asked one of my good friends to go ask him back out again and I won’t be clingy anymore. But he said no still, so that made me sadder and more desperate. So right before I got on the but I asked by best friend to convinse him to go back out with me. And she said she would do it on the bus. And I am assuming that he said no because he hasn’t texted me at all since the break up.
    What should I do????

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:58 am

      Follow the advise in the article.

  • mimi April 15, 2014, 3:29 pm

    By the way, im 25 and my ex is 26.

  • Sunny April 15, 2014, 3:15 pm

    I have a long long story, will try to cut it short. About a year ago I met a guy over a dating website, we clicked right away as friends. He told me his story (in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years, she had a 10 year old son whom he hated, wasn’t working out with her all that much either, so he was looking to somehow get out). Me, I was out of my 5 year relationship for about 4-5 months by the time I met him. Was completely over the guy, everything just fell apart and we went our separate ways, so I was enjoying the single life constantly going out, getting in trouble and so on. Was nice having a friend that would always come to the rescue day or night. Then we started getting closer, attraction all that, so finally had sex and the “Relationship” if u can call it that started. He was still with her, unhappy there, happy here with me. I realized what was going on, but was just living in a moment not caring about anything, still partying and all that. He never promised me anything I never promised him anything. As the time went by I became attached to him same with him, while she is still in the picture. They broke it off multiple times while this whole thing was going on, but for some reason he kept going back to her. At some point I realized that I have pretty deep feelings for him and this can’t go on, he on the other hand yet again decides that wants to go back to her and have a family. Ok, I break down go away to Russia for a few weeks, we don’t talk or anything, NC at all. This was about 4 months after we met. The whole time im in Russia, I cant wait to come back and c him. That’s what I do. I go see him. He tells me his heart stopped once he saw me, turned out that he went by my house trying to talk to me while I was away. About 2 weeks later they break up for good. Still didn’t get back together. But, with me it’s all weird. He is using pull push strategy. He’d tell me that we are just friends and he doesn’t want the relationship with me (he knows that I love him). Says that his feeling are not as strong as mine and that he has to be head over heels over the girl to be with her. Says that I smother him with attention and that I want to much from him and can’t appreciate what he already gives me. So he would push me away. Once it was with a very harsh letter. My family was visiting at the time and my aunt spoke with him and told him if u don’t have anything for her let her go, I will help her get through it while im here. The next day he shows up at my place and we r back on, even tho it was never official. he introduced me to his entire family. always brings me to c his parents, all the holidays I spent with them. Asks me to sit with his dog, at his place while no one is there. asks me to go spend time with his mother so she is not lonely when he is at work. just to name a few. last time after we broke it off and he came back he told me that once he was looking at me and told himself that he loves me, as soon as he realized it he got rid of that feeling, because he doesn’t believe in love and doesn’t know what it is. He said that he doesn’t want me because he doesn’t want to keep hurting me more than he already has, but he feels that he needs me and is very afraid of the moment when he loses me. So… Last night I couldn’t sleep so I texted him asking to bring my laptop back the next day, he comes over at 5 am says to me that it’s over, he doesn’t want to string me along anymore and waste my time. And that’s it. That pull push has been going on since the end of November, he’d push me away saying that im not someone he needs or sees as him wife or whatever and that im just a friend and then he’d come back saying that he is an idiot and that he needs me. Any thoughts on this one? As far as im concerned its really over this time. Because I’ve asked him not to pull me back again if we split. I also asked him not to fake anything because he has told me before that he would come by to c me or call me or text me just because he felt bad for me. So I said not to do that anymore cause it’s not good for me or him. I don’t want this to be over. I really did this that he is the one, we’ve been very honest with each other from the very beginning and I like that, I trust him, but I don’t believe him. So basically any input on this is much appreciated.

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:49 am

      Hey,

      I think he needs a lot of time to deal with his breakup. If you don’t give it to him, there will always be this push pull behavior. He needs at least 4-5 months to come in terms with the breakup and start looking for a relationship again. Hopefully, he will contact you at that time. Even if he doesn’t you should contact him after 4-5 months.

      • Sunny April 16, 2014, 1:38 pm

        Do you think he actually has feelings for me or does he really look at me as if im just a friend like he always says? Im just very confused by this behavior.

      • Sunny April 16, 2014, 1:53 pm

        And what should I do in the meantime? Meaning if IF he comes back again, what do I do then? I mean we’ve be over this many times, sometimes he could disappear for 3 weeks (the longest), sometimes it’s just a few days.

      • Sunny April 17, 2014, 11:48 am

        I guess no thoughts on that one… Well… thank you anyway for the advise. Your articles are very helpful as well. So keep them coming. Cheers!

        • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:31 pm

          He definitely has feelings for you. And if he comes back again, you shouldn’t take him back unless you are absolutely sure he won’t leave again. Take things slowly, let him prove his commitment to you. If he comes back, you should be in completely control of the relationship. And the only way you can control the relationship is by being confident and caring more about yourself than him.

  • Peter April 15, 2014, 1:56 pm

    Hi Kevin!

    My ex girlfriend I was together for 1.5 years. She’s 22 and I’m soon 24. We both have (a little) social anxiety, but grew very comfortable with each other. We always had so much fun and laughing a lot together, even the last week before we broke up. She was always very in love with me, wanting us to be together f0r a long time and hopefully get married one day. I was more realistic saying we probably won’t be together forever, but not saying it’d be impossible either.

    The last 2 months before breaking up, we were together more or less all the time (while not at work/school). She wanted to go more out partying with her friends, while I wanted more to just be alone with her. Partying and drinking was very important to her as she’s young and is afraid of missing out on that part of life. A month before the breakup we had an argument where she wanted more “free time” to be with her friends and such. I was hurt, and went home to my parents. The next day we were both sorry; I said I would let her have more time for herself. But we gradually ended up spending every day together anyway. Then suddenly one day she broke up with me. Everything was so normal right before the breakup; we even made love a couple of hours earlier. Then suddenly out of nowhere, she want to be friends, and nothing more. I’m shocked, because she was always the one head over heals over me; always complimenting me on my looks and how proud she is of me.

    I called almost every day the first week after the breakup, and she’s pretty set on her decision. The last time we contacted was one week after the breakup. I tried not to beg or anything, but I really tried to get to the bottom of why she wanted to break up; I still dont really undertand. Last time we spoke, she said a lot of nice things about me, but she says she doesn’t want a relationship right now – and that she doesnt see us getting back together (in the near future) either. How can she change so much so quickly?? There is no other guy; I know her. I believe her. I was never overly nice guy to her I think, but I was always good to her. She still loves me, but not in love with me; and says she loves me as friend now. :(

    It’s been 3.5 weeks since the breakup now; 2.5 weeks of NC. I did tell her I would do NC on her to try to get over her. But now I feel she really might be the one. An incredibly rare match — we have _everything_ in common- music, interests, thoughts/doubts, humour, tv-series/movies, everything! We even study the same thing. I love her, and can’t let go, even though I know it’s possible to find somebody else, I don’t think I can find anyone with THAT much in common with. We’ve been on such beautiful holidays together; and I always felt that she really “needed” me, which I loved! I can’t let go of all our good times! We hardly ever fought either!

    I want her back more than anything in the world. Is there hope? What is she thinking? This must be a huge mistake?? :’( Please help/advice. Thanks.

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:10 am

      There is definitely hope. She just lost attraction. Follow the plan, make some positive changes in your life, go on a few dates and get back in touch with her using texts.

      • Peter April 16, 2014, 10:21 am

        It’s good to hear that there’s hope :) Thank you!

        But it does worry me that she can just loose attraction like that – is that really _all_ that connects us?? I want deep unconditional love – I don’t want to step on eggshells in the future, constantly worrying about how to “trick” her brain into keeping the attraction up.

        Hopefully, it was only the “over-exposure” and that I was too dependent on her that caused it. But if I get her (attraction) back, how can I not worry about her loosing her feelings again? I want to relax and be myself like I used to! It also also puzzles me a little that she “lusted” for me at the same time as not being attracted (enough) to me. Is it possible that she _sincerely_ just needs to be single for a while (since hardly been single during her life), or is it definitely the attraction thing? She insists that I didn’t do anything wrong at all :/ What attracted her initially was my looks and kindness/sweetness according to herself. Why do you think she lost attraction? Could it be that I didn’t show enough affection for her in return or that I was skeptical about (life-long) commitment?

        If she sincerely just needs to be single/”free”, should I just let her be for a while (possibly get a temporary (ethical) rebound-gf), knowing that she’ll be back eventually, or will I loose my chance forever if I give her too much space?

        • Kevin April 17, 2014, 10:04 am

          It could be a lot of thing. Perhaps the little differences in what you both wanted made her lose the attraction. Or perhaps she is just trying to discover herself or explore her options. As for unconditional love, in my opinion, there is no such thing. You always need to work on your relationship to make it stronger. Love requires work. Relationships require work. You can relax and be yourself, but you can’t take things for granted. If you put in enough work; your relationship can have a level of commitment, stability, and faithfulness in a relationship. And even after that, there is always a small chance that your partner might leave you. The only way to not worry about losing your partner is to know that even if your partner leaves you, you will be alright.

  • Clare April 15, 2014, 12:38 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I really enjoyed this article and thought it had some helpful points. The thing is me and my boyfriend arent ex’s yet. He had just told me last night that he was going through a lot of uncertainty in his life and isnt sure if his feelings for me are strong enough. We’ve been together about 5 months and says that he is content with me, just not as crazy in love as he thinks he should be. After our conversation about this last night (over text), we did not break up but it’s driving me crazy knowing he’s thinking about it. Do these rules still apply to this situation? He has yet to text me today, and I am trying really hard to keep a level head and give him his space by not texting him. Thanks!

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 6:17 am

      Don’t apply no contact if you’ve not broken up officially. But you should give him space and don’t act needy at all.

      • Clare April 16, 2014, 3:03 pm

        Thanks! He did finally text me and say he wasnt sure if he wanted to break up and just needed space to think about it. So it would be best to not contact him unless he contacts me first, correct? Also, how likely do you think it is he will end up deciding to stay. I just feel like if he has to think about it then thats not good.

        • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:45 pm

          If he doesn’t contact you in the next two weeks, you should contact him. It’s hard to say whether or not he will stay, but yes, if he has to think about it, it’s not good. But it’s still better than him breaking up right away.

  • mimi April 15, 2014, 11:42 am

    My ex broke up with me 2 months ago because he wanted to focus on himself and his goals and said I deserve better and deserve someone who is 100 percent committed to me. We dated for 8 months, and the whole 8 months he was wining and dining me, then as soon as we made it official he lost his job and became distant, we were only official for a month and then he broke it off, I was devastated because I was in love with him at that point and still am. 2 weeks after the breakup , I contacted him and we started texting. Then one month afterwards, we finally we went out a couple times and he seemed to almost be getting back to normal, of course we then started having sex (which I regret). As soon as we had sex, he started being distant again almost immediately and 10 days later, we had a talk and he said he still did not want to get back together after I asked him. That was 5 days ago and we both haven’t contacted each other since. Please tell me what I should do now. Is this a lost cause?

    • Kevin April 16, 2014, 6:15 am

      I think there is a chance if you follow the plan.

      • Mimi April 16, 2014, 9:05 am

        Okay, do you think I should go for no contact for 1 month or 2 months based on the circumstances? After we broke up 2 months ago, I did no contact for only 2 weeks

        • Kevin April 17, 2014, 9:47 am

          One month. If you don’t think you are ready (read the checklist in the article to know you are ready or not), then make it 2 months.

  • Myra April 15, 2014, 9:21 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I have been going through all the problems that people post here and the advice you give them. So I have mustered up some confidence to ask for your advice for my problem.
    I was in a relationship with a guy for one and a half years and initially things were great. But as time passed a lot of problems started cropping up like trust issues ( I did not cheat on him) but in general he lost faith in me. He kept telling me that if there was no honesty then it was a deal breaker. I kept trying to win his trust and confidence but it kept waning and finally a few weeks back he broke up with me. It wasn’t the first time that he had done it but he kept coming back and told me that he wants this relationship to work and that I was not helping at all. I know in my heart that I tried my level best.
    This has been the longest he has been silent and twice I simply messaged not to beg him to come back but just to tell him that I miss him ( without making it sound emotional or pleading)
    I really don’t know what is going on in his mind. And I don’t know how to bring him back. Can you help me please.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 12:10 pm

      Hey Myra,

      It’s hard to say what’s going on in his mind, but I can tell you he is missing you as well and he definitely still has feelings for you. You should follow the advice in the article and send him the letter after 30 days of no contact.

      • Ava April 15, 2014, 3:06 pm

        After a year of trust and love she simply said:” have no feeling for you anymore”, it passed almost 2 months with no contact… Why should i contact her back ? i love her so much and i still do and she’s on my mind every single moment of the day when im at work or playing ball or playing online or going out with friends or playing with my band or or or . i didn’t break any rule i didn’t even call her or txt her or talked with her friends.. If i say i dont love her i will b lying but i have my pride… she broke my heart and i will never forgive her for that although she’s the love of my life. And if she will contact me i will answer her phone call with a smile acting that im doing good without her and everything is cool but i will be lying. Please correct me and explain more about pride… Thanks
        Ps: i feel that i wont be comfortable before she calls me, just to satisfy my ego…

        • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:23 am

          Hey,

          Is being without her and still loving her making you happy? I think loving someone and not making a move is foolish. Either make an effort to move on and get over her. Or make an effort to get back together. Even if you don’t get back together, it’ll be easier for you to move on since you will know that it’s over for good.

          In your current state, you are clearly not over her. If you don’t want to get back in touch, I’ll recommend you make an effort to get over her. There are many resources on the internet on the topic of getting over a breakup.

      • Myra April 15, 2014, 10:59 pm

        Thank you so much Kevin :)

  • Katherine April 15, 2014, 7:33 am

    Hi Kevin, me & my boyfriend broke up a few days ago. The only reason he gave me was that he wanted to be single. Im struggling very hard, im only 16 but we were together for over a year & I feel empty. We still talk but its only been 5 days since, & im already texting him & stuff. I dont want to but for some reason I feel better when I talk to him. I keep hoping that if I give him some real space that he will think stuff through, & miss me. What do you think?

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 12:00 pm

      You should give him space and you should learn to be happy without him in your life.

  • Anne April 15, 2014, 7:02 am

    Hello Kevin, could you give me your advise, please? My boy friend and I have been dating for two years. We loved each other and saw each other frequently. We had big problem problems in our relationship, and mostly it’s my unable emotions. After he got a job in another states, he got busy. I visited him once, but we ended up having a big flight for some trivial stuff. After I got back to my place, he started contacting me less and less. It has been four months. We did not break up, but we didn’t seem to be together too. After he deleted and blocked me on Facebook a week ago, I wrote an email to him and wondered why. He replied it to me next day and told me it’s a family issue (His father dislike me, although we never saw each other). He told me it’s temporary. Therefore, I thanked his honestly and asked to be alone to deal with my emotions for a few days. He has not contact me after all. Is there any chance for us to be together again? After the flights and arguments? I did change myself quite a lot (for my own good), especially my emotional issue, and he noticed it. Thank you, Kevin. Your help would be greatly appreciated !!!

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:59 am

      Yes, there is a chance. Every couple fights and have arguments. All the best.

    • Anne April 15, 2014, 7:27 pm

      Thank you so very much, Kevin!
      My boy friends said there is no future for us a while ago because he thinks we did not get along because of lots of trivial arguments over the past two years. I started the no contact by chance a week ago. What do you think I should do next? No contact is the right strategy in this situation?

      Thank you, again, for your time answering my question. I am very appreciated !!

      • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:13 am

        Yes, it is. Get back in touch after 30 days using the letter mentioned in the article.

        • Anne April 16, 2014, 11:19 am

          Kevin,

          Thank you so much for your answer and guidance. I will follow it.

          Sincerely,
          Anne

  • Al April 15, 2014, 3:45 am

    In a nutshell….My ex finished with me after 2 years as she said I didn’t give her enough attention and she’d lost the spark. I’ve spent the last 3 months trying to get back with her devoting every possible moment to prove how much I loved her. I did all the begging, pleading and initiating contact for the whole time which seemed to work to a point as we met up every other week, had a really great time with nights out, meals together, country walks and even still sleeping together. Each time we parted though she went back to being distant with me. And only ever responded to texts and never initiated. Then a couple of weeks ago I found out she had been “meeting” (as she put it) another guy for the the whole time I was trying to sort things. I flipped out and got really angry, begged, pleaded, cried and text terrorised her as I was so upset. She then said that it was definitely over between us and told me that she’s enjoying the company of this other guy and they’re seeing how things go, and for me not to contact her again. I sent her a text couple of days later saying no hard feelings hope things work out, which she replied and said “you too, take care”.

    There’s been no contact between us since. I’ve got little choice now but to respect her wishes and leave her alone. and to try and save what little dignity I have left. Do you think your method to get back together could work, since she clearly seems to have made her mind up and she’s the one who’s asked for no contact?

    Thanks

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:29 am

      Yes, it can work. Her new relationship is probably a rebound anyways.

      • Al April 15, 2014, 5:09 pm

        Forgot to mention some quite significant points…aside from me not giving her attention (which I’ll admit to) she told me in a calm discussion very recently that she thought I was handsome but didn’t find me “want to rip your clothes of sexy”, Which suggests that she no longer finds me attractive? Might be a bit of a relationship killer? Obviously she does with this new guy.

        Also we met each other on Plenty of Fish. So when she told me after our initial breakup that she was going to start dating again I found she’d made a profile on there. I confronted her and she admitted it. I asked her to delete it and she made excuses up that she couldn’t delete it from her phone and needed to borrow her dads laptop to do it, which was clearly a lie. For the entirety of the 3 months of me trying to get her back she kept saying she “enjoyed spending time with me but something wasn’t right but didn’t know what it was?” and therefore couldn’t decide what to do. However it makes me believe I was just a plan B, something to fall back on in case she didn’t find or until she did find something better.

        Not sure if this changes you opinion on the matter?

        • Pavan Sidharth April 16, 2014, 6:31 am

          Hey, after gone through your complete message i can tell you what. Better give her space now she is with other guy, let her be with him. Trust me, defiantly one day she will realise your importance. Be’coz that guy is not permanent. You were into 2yrs relation with her. May be u should know how she will be with out you. Till then “don’t text or call her” meet her accidentally (just act) but not repeat it frequently. Act like you are happy. Don’t ever mention to her, with out you i’m happy. Take care. THIS WILL WORK

          • Al April 17, 2014, 12:22 pm

            Hey, well unfortunately I can’t “accidentally” bump into her as she lives in a different city about 45 mins away and I have no reason to go there. Plus even if I did decide to go there the chances of somehow bumping into her are very very unlikely as it’s such a big place! I’ll try Kevin’s method and see how it goes. If she doesn’t respond to the texting then I guess I’ll have to give up. I can’t force her to be with me. Thanks for your comment though. However I could do with some more detailed info on the texting part if you have any advice please? :)

        • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:57 am

          Yes, she was stringing you along as a backup because you were letting her do so. I still think you have a chance and no contact is the best thing to do. She never learned what it’ll be like to lose you forever. You should go on a few dates as well during no contact.

          • Al April 16, 2014, 9:07 am

            Thanks for your advice

  • Taichi April 14, 2014, 11:49 pm

    17 year old here. My ex were together for about a month and a half. We have so many things in common, our personalities, sense of humor, taste in music, love for chocolate, and so many more things. People were always telling us that we were perfect for each other because we are so much alike. However, this was our very first actual relationship. She’s an extremely busy person, with all honors and AP classes, not to mention a ton of other extracurricular activities, clubs, and honors societies in school. Because of this, we never saw each other very often, even in school, and she would only have the time to meet up once a week, usually during the weekends. I knew her always tight-knit schedule would probably become a problem in the future, but I didn’t think much of it. About 2 weeks ago she broke up because it was too big a commitment on top of everything else she had. Obviously I could tell the decision was not easy for her, she was shaking when she told me and she looked seriously sad. She said I was the best boyfriend I could have been for her, but she just wasn’t ready for it at the moment.
    After that, we avoided each other for about a week, and a few nights ago I settled things with her over text to make sure there weren’t any misunderstandings, and we’re all good now. We’ve begun to talk again, but very minimal. All my friends tell me she still looks at me, and I can tell. Also when we’re hanging in a group, she’s laughing a lot at jokes I make, even if they’re not super funny. I don’t want to take these as signs yet, because they probably aren’t.
    I’m just torn because I really do want to ask her back, but I don’t know if it’ll be a good idea because she broke up for a reason (her busy schedule) and I don’t think she’d go back on her word and try again, even if she really wants to, but I could be wrong. I thought about giving it a few months for us to warm up again and become close friends again but then I don’t want to be friendzoned. I’ve also heard of the minimal contact trick, but since we’ve confirmed with each other that we’re friends, I don’t think that’d work very well. Should I wait and see after a few months and try asking her if she wants to give it another try? I’m just kind of afraid that she’ll be like “why are you still trying after all these months?” and me seeming clingy or something. Some advice would be useful

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:18 am

      I think those are definitely signs that she is still attracted to you. I’ll suggest you do try asking her after a couple of months. Even if she says that, at least you’ll know there is no future there.

  • jacki April 14, 2014, 10:29 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    My ex had a 8 years relationship and a baby with his ex. We fell in love before they split. Then we felt it wrong so ended it. We started dating again after they finally officially split. But in first 6 months, her ex used the support of their families and common friends to push me out his life, and he let her. So we brokeup.
    Of course we both said something hurful after breakingup.
    After 3 months, he asked for another chance, I said yes coz I still had strong feeling to him. But we were not ready so it screwed up again (I compromised all and he acted like an asshole).
    Then, after another month, he emailed me again saying he has been doing meditation love course for a month, and realised what he did wrong and can finanlly see what I been through and been treated unfair in the first 6 months we officially dated. He said his ex has finally accepted they will never get back together, and he felt relief from that pressure and regreted havent fight for me during the hard time. He asked me for another chance now.
    Should I trust him changed and give him another chance? What to do to make it work this time?

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:09 am

      If he seems genuine, you should give him another chance. This time, don’t let him walk all over you. You should be clear about what you expect from the relationship and what you can’t tolerate. And you should communicate it to him in a non-threatening way before starting the relationship.

  • lashawnda April 14, 2014, 9:12 pm

    Hi kevin,
    So my ex-boyfriend and i were in a serious relationship for 3 years, off and on, and we officially broke up November of last year. We were still keeping in contact and seeing each other until I met a new guy and caught interest. We made a pact, as friends, to let the other know when something like that happens and I did. He freaked out and pretty much made me feel like I was making a mistake. He stopped talking to me for 2 weeks and during that time I got to know the guy and decided not to pursue a relationship with him (personal reasons not because of my ex freaking out). He contacted me one night and I eventually let him know I didn’t pursue a relationship. Well, a couple days later he said he was talking to someone else and I was ok with it. But now I’m getting the idea it may be a rebound because he kept asking if I’m ok with it, he blocked me on instagram then added me back now all of a sudden there are pictures of him and the girl. After trying to actually date I realized I didn’t want to be anyone else but then he goes and rebound. I haven’t made any contact with him it’s usually him calling me, maybe once a week, with him “just checking up on me” and asking about my personal life( job, school,family, etc). What should I do? If he really wanted to be with this girl he wouldn’t be calling, making comments/compliments on my instagram pics, and asking me “so are you still talking to me?” Or if I don’t talk to him he comments “so you’re not talking to me?” I’m a little confused. I’ve already started on getting myself together but we occasionally still keep in contact. Mainly him contacting me. Please help.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 10:59 am

      Hey,

      His relationship is probably a rebound. Next time he calls, tell him you need some time and space and start no contact. Then follow the plan.

  • shah April 14, 2014, 6:54 pm

    Hi kevin. My gf and i broke up after being together for 2 years. We broke up about 3 months ago. I’ve started to text/call her back after 3 months and i’ve told her that i wanted to get back. But she rejected me because she doesnt want any commitment with any guy until shes find the right time. Whats the right things to do, i cant afford to lose her.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 10:48 am

      Do another month of no contact, and get back in touch with her as described in the article. This time, don’t mention you want to get back together.

  • hh April 14, 2014, 6:34 pm

    hey kev,
    my girlfriend broke up with me in beginning of February. we were together for 3 years. She said I don’t make her happy no more and the day she left me was cause we were supposed to go out for dinner one night, but the night before she went out with her friends and didn’t call me at all the next day until close to our plans. so I told her were not going out and that’s when she broke up with me. she didn’t answer my calls or text for a bit, but then started to respond. we been out many times for dinner, she came to my house, and had fun, but then would always be distant on the weekends. I was told by her friend that she is with another guy, who is a patient at her work. when I asked my ex, she lied and said no, but then said she isn’t with him, theyre just friends. she said she doesn’t love him and loves me and is confused, and to leave her alone to think out through. this is when she blocked my number from calling or texting her for 2 weeks. then , this the sunday on april 6th, she called me at 11pm, saying how she couldn’t sleep the night before and she was thinking and was sorry for being mean and rude to me, she said she resented me because I kept asking about the guy and asking he if we would have another shot at our relationship, since she gave me no closure. i told her its ok, things happen, its all good and that i was really tired and that i would contact her next week. she seemed shocked that i didn’t want to talk to her. i ended up messaging her a few days later, and things seemed great, texting back and forth and i didn’t mention anything about our past. we then went for dinner on the Thursday, and we both had a great time, i didn’t mention this other guy at all. we ended up back at her place, but we both fell asleep on each other, as we were both tired,she had her arms around me like we used to sleep lol. the next day Friday, we were texting each other all day, joking around, and i mention to her we should do dinner and she said she was busy. i said ok maybe tomorrow you will change your mind. and she said “I’LL let you know…thanks. i told her ok have a good night and haven’t heard from her since…. i know she is still seeing this other guy, as she doesn’t give me time on the weekend to see her… i really love this girl.. oh and the guy is complete opposite of me according to her friend. he has no car so my ex picks him up and what not…he also put some damage to her car and didn’t fix it , where as i would take care of it right away…i really want her back, and what do you think about the relationship she is having with this other guy, and advice for me would be great kevin. Thanks

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 10:47 am

      I think you should continue doing what you’ve been doing. Just don’t show any neediness. The guy could be a rebound. If that’s the case, she will end things with him soon enough.

      • hh April 15, 2014, 6:12 pm

        Hey Kev,

        Ok so what should I continue to do? Should I not text her back, or just leave her alone? I wanted her to tell me if she Is in a relationship with this guy.
        Also, I don’t know if this matters but my ex is liking my friends pictures on instagram and I noticed that my ex doesn’t have this new guy on her instagram but my ex’s brother and sister have him. Please advise.. thanks

        • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:07 am

          I think you’ve been asking about the guy too much and it’ll start getting annoying to her. You need to be cool about this. The more you ask about him, the more needy you look. Instead, start living a life of your own. Start going out more, meeting new people and go on a few dates as well. If you are on good terms and are texting continuously without any negativity, then you should continue doing so.

          • hh April 16, 2014, 12:28 pm

            Thanks Kevin,

            So I messaged her yesterday and told her to call me. She said she was busy at work, whats up? I said ok just call me later then when your not busy. She replied again, whats up? I don’t have time for this right now? I replied: are you ok, I didn’t say to call me right now, lol..I know your busy at work so just call me today or tomorrow whenever your free.. She replied: Ok..but whats going on? I didn’t reply to this message. Any advice?

          • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:24 pm

            Like I said before, don’t pressure her into anything and concentrate on your life for a while.

  • Mia April 14, 2014, 5:37 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I broke up with my ex 5 months ago because I needed time off. But I really want him back. I did follow these steps and I feel confident with myself.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:55 am

      All the best Mia.

  • Bill Jarvis April 14, 2014, 2:13 pm

    Kevin,
    My ex and I broke up in Dec after a 16 mo. relationship. She is 47 and I’m 56. I did follow the 1 month no contact rule and she began calling me every day after 3 weeks “just for sex”. I did give in after the month period and then, she needed me for a family emergency around Jan. 15th and as of around the beginning of Feb, it was just as the it was before…me seeing her at least 2/3 times a week. However, in early March, she began distancing herself again saying that she just didn’t have time to be in a serious relationship. She offered that I could be her lover, but this time, I told her no. I did find-out last week that she has seen a man at least once.
    Please tell me the game plan from here as I do want her back?
    Thank you.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:41 am

      I think she is pretty clear about her intentions. If you want, you can try no contact again, make positive changes, get back in touch (basically follow the plan), but to be honest, I think your chances are less. You’ll be better off moving on.

  • Nick April 14, 2014, 1:26 pm

    Hi Kevin, I would love to have a moment of your time to pick your brain on my current problem.
    My Ex girlfriend broke up with me after 6 months due to a huge change in her which consisted of her moving into a flat away from home for the first time with her child and it’s the first time she’s been able to be independant with her kid so she broke up with me as she needed to concerntrate on her change’s and that of her child. Basically she said she could’nt give me what i wanted or deserved and that it was unfair otherwise. She said she wanted some alone time with her kid right now and really wanted to be independant. She said nothing about being friends or staying in contact but she’s quite a shy insecure person.
    Up until the break up we were really close and she felt i was her soulmate and the best thing that had happened to her apart from her kid obviously.
    I agreed to the breakup (begrudingly) and remained quiet for just over a week and was following the rules you suggest, the thing was she started likeing things on my social network homepage so i contacted her via text and had a couple of nice responses, she seemed happy to talk to me and it was just friendly banter really, absolutly no mention of the break up or anything negative but then she went quiet again so ive not contacted her since.

    I presume she still needs time as it’s not been long but would like your view on the above situation and any help you could give would be hugly appreciated.

    Many thanks

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:34 am

      Hey Nick,

      Yes, I also think she needs a little more time. I’ll suggest you contact her again after a month.

  • Jane April 14, 2014, 12:29 pm

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me back in June 2012 while he was out of the country for half a year. He broke things off with me because he said that he didn’t want to be involved in a relationship with anyone and that he needed to take the time to find himself and build a life for himself. He told me that he still loved me and still had feelings for me but wanted to be friends for now until he could figure things out in his life. So I made the mistake of being friends with him, spending time with him and hanging out. For the past couple of months I thought things were going great between him and I. We were getting along, we weren’t arguing and fighting, and we were spending more and more time together. I thought things were moving in the right direction and things were finally starting to look up for me. I did try the “no contact rule” for a few weeks and it worked, or at least I had thought it did. I ignored every attempt at communication from him until he decided to show up to my house because he missed me and wanted to talk. He ended up pouring out his heart to me, tell me that he still loved me, that he was still “in love” with me, that he missed me, and that he wanted to spend time together. As time went on after that, we started acting more and more like boyfriend and girlfriend. Like previously stated, we had been getting along really great and he started including me in more things in his life. If I ever brought up the relationship talk, he would tell me that he wasn’t ready and that he still was trying to figure his life out and that it wouldn’t be fair to me to drag me through finding himself. Last night, he pulled me aside and sat me down and decided to tell me that even though we have been acting like we are boyfriend and girlfriend, that he doesn’t want that anymore. He told me that his feelings have changed for me and that he is no longer in love with me anymore. He told me that I am still the most beautiful girl in the world to him and that I am truly an amazing and awesome person and his best friend, but he just doesn’t have the same feelings for me that he once had. He told me that he doesn’t foresee himself being in a relationship with anyone for many, many years to come and that he is still trying to figure his life out and that he realizes that he has been very selfish towards me and that it is no longer fair to me that he can’t reciprocate his feelings. He told me that he loves me very much, but he just isn’t in love with me anymore.
    So, I am lost, I am hurt, and I am confused. I know he has said similar things like this in the past to me, but only because we were arguing and fighting but last night was different, he had a calm demeanor and there was no tension or any negative emotions and feelings. Is the love really gone? Is it possible for us to rekindle again one day? Could his feelings grow for me again and could he fall in love with me again? Should I move on and let him go? Too many questions running through my mind so I am posting on here to try and get clarity and seek some advice. Thanks.

    • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:31 am

      I think you should move on. It’s been almost two years since the breakup. How much more of your time do you want to waste trying to pursue him? I’ll recommend you start no contact and try to move on.

  • Sebnem April 14, 2014, 11:18 am

    Hey
    I’m student from Turkey and I’m sixteen.So my boyfriend and I broke up a month ago.It was our mutual decision.Our relationship was really different.We loved each other but we weren’t meant to be.We were totally different.We had nothing to talk about but we loved each other.In fact, after we broke up I said i love him and he said ” I love you but we have to deal with this”.I was totally sure about his feelings.He loved me too.

    Now here is my problem.It has been a month but it still hurts so much.I want to know if he’s feeling the way that I’m feeling.His behavior is just confusing.I don’t know what to do.Let me give you some examples.We’re in the same class.Two weeks ago he called his friend by my name.I ignored that.Last week he was talking to the class but he was always glancing at me.He was trying not to look at me.I could understand that.And about a week ago he was talking to his friend and I was listening to him but he didn’t know that.Anyway he said ”I’m going to have a haircut because that’s what guys do when they get depressed.” his friend asked him the reason of his depression and he said ”you know the reason buddy , She’s always on my mind at the nights”
    I thought he was talking about me but there’s an another girl he likes and she’s in our class too.Maybe he was talking about her because they were really close .I wasn’t sure about the person he was talking about.My friends said it was me but I’m not sure.
    This was the situation.But today suddenly everything has changed.I guess he is going to date somebody else.He’s talking to an another girl.Did he get over me ? Also there’s something else.He loves listening to Eminem.So his whatsapp statu is ”I’m afraid If I close my eyes I might see her”. I searched this sentence.It was a part of a song of Eminem called ”Going through changes”.I checked the lyrics and let me show you a part of the lyrics

    ”I think about the things I would have never got to say to you,
    I’d never get to make it right, so here’s what I came to do.
    Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too,
    I still love your mother, that’ll never change,
    Think about her every day, we just could never get it together.
    Hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
    But I swear on everything, I’d do anything for her on any day.
    There are just too many things, to explain, when it rains,
    Guess it pours, yes it does, wish there wasn’t any pain.
    But I can’t pretend there ain’t, I ain’t placin’ any blame,
    I ain’t pointin’ fingers, heaven knows i’ve never been a saint.
    I know it just feels like we just pissed away our history,
    But just today, I looked at your picture, almost if to say,
    I miss you self consciously, wish it didn’t end this way.
    But I just had to get away, don’t know why,
    I don’t know what else to say, I guess I’m..”

    So what do you say ? Is he over me ? Does this song mean anything ? or Am I being paranoid ? my friends say ” It’s just a song he likes. It’s not something about you it has been a month he is already over you” Are they right ? Please help me I really need your help

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 1:24 pm

      You are overthinking everything. I think you should apply no contact for 2-3 months and concentrate on yourself during that time. That means, not looking for signs from him, not checking his statuses, removing him from social media and completely cutting him from your life. You will still see him at school, but that’s it. Otherwise, keep him out of your sight and out of your mind. If after 3 months, you still want to get back together, then contact him.

  • Pernilla April 14, 2014, 11:18 am

    Ten days ago my girlfriend broke up with me after eight months. It was a great shock to me, as the day on which she did so I was still looking for an apartment for us. We never had arguments, got along very well and nothing seemed to be wrong. Only the last week, in which she had quite some stress, she was less affectionate. I thought it was because of the stress, but apparently she had had doubts that week. Her doubts were mainly about living together. I knew it was a big step, but she seemed okay with it. But apparently her commitment fear took over in the end. She said that she did not feel ready for it, but proposed living together because she knew I would love that. She also said that she felt like she did not love me as much as I did because I could easily build my life around her and she felt strangled because of that. Since the day she broke up with me she is extremely cold and rational. She says she does not miss me and that she does not see any future between us anymore. I haven’t contacted her for nearly a week now, but I feel like that will not have any effect in this case. It seems like she has completely shut all her feelings off out of fear. I am so puzzled and devastated.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 1:17 pm

      I think it will have effect. Some people deal with breakups by shutting off their feelings. But whenever you try to suppress your feelings, they eventually come back with time. Follow the plan.

  • Calin April 14, 2014, 9:50 am

    My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago and it is obviously “no contact” right now but it’s her birthday in a week? Do I wish her happy birthday or not. Thank you

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 1:14 pm

      Send her a text but keep it short.

  • Ann April 14, 2014, 7:32 am

    Hi Kevin, I have read many articles on your website and it has given me great insight! Still, I need your advice. My partner of 10 years asked me for some space in January. He claimed to be going through a mid-life crisis, he is 52, I am 40. It was meant to be a break while he sorted his head out and we were not to see other people. A decision was supposed to be made early April. I accepted, went on holiday etc. and returned to our home at the end of March. There I found an incriminating email to a woman from his work. He denied anything ever happened, but has now admitted that he intended something to happen which “was equally wrong”. We had two lovely evenings before I found the email and I confronted him and told him I was leaving. He begged me to stay, promised no further contact etc. and that he wanted to spend the next 10 years with me. I laid out my terms etc and we agreed to move forward and work on our relationship. A few days later I had reason to suspect that he was still in contact with the other woman, I confronted him again, he continued to deny it although I am 100% sure he was. So I told him I could no longer trust him and it was over. I deleted him from my IM and went NC. I have now been NC for 5 days. Yesterday he sent me an email, to which I did not respond. In it he apologised for his bad behaviour, “he hasn’t been himself over the last year”, “that he will always love me and think of me.” “His head is still a mess, but when he finally manages to sort out his feelings he hopes to have a long talk with me.” Followed by: :It’s me not you.” As a result I am very confused as to his intentions. Do you think there is hope? I am going to pick up my belongings from our home this week whilst he is away. I love him dearly and hope that we can sort things out. We had many arguments because I wanted us to relocate to be closer to my family and friends and I guess that got too much for him. Thank you for your help!

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 1:12 pm

      Hey Ann,

      I answered your comment over here.

  • Rick April 14, 2014, 7:26 am

    Hi kevin! Want to let you know that this post made me realize some things but sometimes, I can’t help to think a lot and makes me more confused. I dated someone for 2 years. On our second anniversary, that person told me she wanted a space and she told me to wait for her until she comes back and its like 2 months from now. Before that, to let you know I cheated on her but that was long way ago and I never did that again and she told me she have forgiven me and I know she did because she went to my place twice last year although we were from one part of the world to another and we were perfectly fine. I also felt that she became more important to me and we worked out on our issues but just 2 weeks ago we had a fight and she asked me for space and told mr she’s unsure and doesn’t love me as much as anymore. What should I think about it? Besides to the fact that there’s the plan and rules you posted. I just wanted a closure for now (I want her back someday, she’s the Love of my life) because just last night she told me it’s over and I shouldn’t wait for her anymore because there’s no assurance she’ll come to me and she doesn’t want me to get hurt over and over again. What does she mean? Last night I asked her again if she still loves me and she said yes but not as much as before. I also asked her if she still desires me, she said yes too and told me it won’t fade that easily because I became a big part of her life.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 1:11 pm

      She doesn’t see a future in the relationship and she has probably lost attraction. Luckily, she is still attached to you and you have a good chance of getting her back if you follow the plan.

      • Rick April 14, 2014, 5:05 pm

        Thanks kevin. She just told she doesn’t promise anything and she can’t promise that she’ll come back but she promise to try fix this when she comes back and i have almost 2 months until i see her again personally. I want her back permanently. If this works out in the end, I have you to thank forever.

        • Rick April 14, 2014, 5:14 pm

          Also, I want you to know that she is like having a midlife crisis where she lose interest in Me, on her job and everythong. She doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t want any commitment but just friendship and she’s ready to go on a friendly date with me once she comes back. Our relationship were really serious and I knew that because she had only eyes for me and we really loved each other. Love was really overwhelming back to our better days.

          • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:49 am

            All the best Rick. I hope things work out for you.

          • Rick April 15, 2014, 7:39 am

            Hi kevin. Sorry for another question. I’m really confused. She said she doesn’t want to depend on anyone right now when I asked her if I could take care of her again. She said that she promise to try to fix it by sorting things out when she comes back after 2 months and we’ll talk about it once she comes back. She loves me but not like before and cares about me. But I want to know really based from what I said to you. Do i have the chance? Should I use the 2 months(until she’s back to the country) for the plan? Is she going to forget me and realize that she’s better off without me if I don’t contact her for 2 months? Sorry kevin. Thanks for helping. I know that she needs space but I don’t want her to completely realize I’m not the one for her.

          • Kevin April 15, 2014, 12:04 pm

            Yes, you definitely have a chance. Yes, you should do 2 months no contact. No, I don’t think she will forget you in those two months. You were together for two years. It takes longer than 2 months to completely get over someone.

        • Rick April 15, 2014, 12:48 pm

          Do you think i should still go to the process of dating someone before I meet her? Technically we’re still together.

          • Rick April 15, 2014, 12:53 pm

            Well, it’s complicated between us. She asked for space even though we’re thousand of miles apart. And again, she doesn’t know what she wants. Basically its like post- break up stage. Do you think i consider it as break up already and go find a rebound before I meet her? Its confusing. Thank you for the advice, Kevin.

          • Kevin April 16, 2014, 6:20 am

            If you are technically still together and you are sure she is not seeing anyone right now, then you shouldn’t go out on dates. But you should do everything else mentioned in the article.

  • Edward April 14, 2014, 6:06 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I was in a relationship with my ex for a little over 3 yrs now. Before we broke up about a month ago, she was spending a lot of time texting another guy from the internet. I got somewhat jealous of that and asked her why she was talking to him so much more than me. She said it was not “like that” when I asked her if she was planning to go out with him. I was playing a lot video games at that time and asked her why she wanted to be with me because all I did was play games. I told her why not just go out with that guy she hangs out with all the time. At this time, I was more frustrated and than having a fear of losing her.. but it all changed after I lost her. After one to two days, she said she didn’t really want to be with me anymore. I felt heartbroken because I couldn’t understand what I did wrong. I wanted to see her to talk to her and she said no. But I pushed it further and acted really needy. I’ve started to miss her more than ever before after that, it was like I couldn’t live without her. After a week or so with this sorrow in my heart, I still couldn’t believe what I said made her leave. One day, I was at my apartment one day and drank about 4 shots of alcohol and then went over to her place. She was furious because she didn’t want me to go over there. I apologized the next day for doing what I did. I just felt sad and didn’t understand the true reason why we broke up. I asked her if she would give me a chance in the future, she said she doesn’t know and told me that all of this obsessiveness is unattractive. I understood what she meant and realized that I wouldn’t want to live a life that way either, I didn’t want to be the one always trying to contact her. It’s been a good 3 years that we were together and I had many memories of her, and I’ve sent an email with photos of us together, she asked why I did that and I told her that she has shaped my life.

    I know that she still hangs out with that guy and his friends to do homework and study. Everyday I asked her if she wanted to go eat with me but she would tell me she is busy.
    It just feels like she won’t contact me if I don’t message or text her. I’m still jealous that she will go out with someone and forget about me. I just couldn’t believe that what I have said made her leave me.

    Right now, my feelings for her cooled down a little bit. I’m currently on NC and today is the 2-3 day. I still have memories of her whenever I do something or see other couples together. It is hard to forget her and I don’t really want to forget her. I still love her and want her to be in my life in the future.

    Recently, I’ve been starting to go swimming and played less games and have been focusing on school work. I know that NC will benefit me because it allows me to change. Now that I think about it, it’s actually a good thing that we broke up because it made me realize my mistakes and that I can become a better person. I’m just still worried that she wont contact me and still jealous of her hanging out with that guy.

    Actually, I’m afraid that I will be the one that will forget her. I don’t really want to go looking for another girl to be with.. I would just like to know if we have a good chance of getting back together. Could you give me some advice on what I should do, should I continue with NC and for how long? What happens if she does actually message me during NC, do you think it’s a good idea to try and hangout with her again? (But I doubt this would happen)

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 1:09 pm

      You should continue no contact for at least 30 days. If she contacts you, ignore her. If she continues contacting you, tell her you need some space and time and then continue no contact. Just follow the plan.

      • Edward April 15, 2014, 9:23 pm

        Hey Kevin.. so today I saw my ex holding hands with that guy she always texts to… I was so close to texting her, but I just didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to act needy. I know I can’t change her decisions for staying with him or not. I miss her and love her a lot, I don’t know what I should do. I want to contact her so badly but that will only act like I need her back in my life. It’s only been 4-5 days since no contact and she hasn’t replied and is going out with someone. It is hard to believe that their relationship is a rebound relationship even though she only met him. I am so heart broken right now because my memories with her cannot go away and I keep thinking about her everything I do or go, is there a chance for me anymore?Please give me some advice on what I should do… thanks Kevin.

        • Edward April 16, 2014, 1:25 am

          Hey Kevin,

          I’ve just gotten your email about how she is already with someone else during breakup. I know that their relationship isn’t as close between me and her because we have been together longer, but what should I do about it? They are ONLY going to get closer and get to know each other more as time goes on. What if she is not looking for ME inside of him, what if she is looking for someone else to be with for her future? I know my mistakes now and I can prove that we can have a great future together by doing things together. After no contact, how am I supposed to approach her to give her the letter I want to write? I still find it hard to believe that if I ignore her while she is together with someone will make them realize how much she miss me… or even give me an opportunity to show her that I have changed. She DOESN’T want me right now, what makes it so sure that she will want me after NC? She might still be in a relationship with that guy after no contact and although it might be a rebound relationship, it might just work. I know I’m supposed to take it slow and start off as friends again before getting together… I also understand that if I intrude their relationship that it would become even worse for me to get back to her.

          I just don’t know what to do at this point… should I introduce myself to the new guy and actually tell him to take care of her and move on? I still really love her and miss her so much, but I am filled with regret for my actions because I shouldn’t have pushed her away before breakup. But then again, without breaking up with her, I would have never gotten this opportunity to grow from my childish acts. I just want some advice Kevin, what to do after NC, how to approach her with the letter (and her favorite food that I want to make for her), and most importantly… how can I get back with her if she is still in a relationship with him. Thank you for helping me and everyone else here.

          • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:32 am

            Hey Edward,

            The answer to all the what if questions you asked is simply “yes, there’s a chance it might happen. But it’s less.” It’s a risk and as you know trying to stop her is only going to make things worse, so there’s really nothing else you can do.

            As for getting back in touch after no contact, you can just email or send it to her house. She will most probably contact you back and even if she doesn’t, you should contact her again using texts. As of now, you should only be concentrating on the no contact rule.

        • Kevin April 16, 2014, 8:18 am

          It is most probably a rebound relationship Edward. You do have a chance.

          • Edward April 16, 2014, 10:09 am

            Hey Kevin,
            This is our first relationship for three years, and I know that there is a high chance that she might not contact me during NC because she was a shy person when I first met her online then in person. I know it’s her decision to choose between us, my NC is over mid May assuming I keep it up, and in mid-June she will go back home. During this time, she and the new guy will only get closer and I know there is nothing I can do but accept that for now. Maybe things will change and she contacts me, should I continue to ignore her response? Wouldn’t my ignorance to her message (if she does send me one) imply that I don’t want her and that would increase the chance for her with the other guy? But if she still hasn’t contacted me after NC, how should I respond to her if I were to contact her after and she says that she is currently in a relationship? After all, I didn’t do something THAT bad to make her leave, it might just be that she wants to be with someone else (maybe GIGS?), to find a better person for her future?

          • Kevin April 17, 2014, 9:57 am

            If you think not responding to her is risky, then tell her you need space and time whenever she contacts you. How you should contact her is already covered in the article. Her being in a relationship will have nothing to do with you contacting her because you won’t be contacting her to get back together.

          • Edward April 16, 2014, 11:26 pm

            Hi Kevin,
            I probably shouldn’t have done this, but it just didn’t feel right for me not to. Today, I have msged my ex through FB and told her that I had a confession to make. After that I told her that I have accepted our breakup and understood that we are no longer together. I also apologized for the needy and obsessive ways that I have acted after breakup. I told her that I hope that we could still be friends, but she didn’t respond to me. Soon after I have changed topic to school she would start to talk to me, but the responses were short and didn’t seem too interested. It is probably because she is in a new relationship with the new guy.
            The reason why I broke NC and messaged her because it did NOT feel right and that I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t want her in my life anymore. Before I started NC 5 days ago, I was texting her on FB and on the phone but she didn’t reply. A day before that (6 days ago), we met and I brought her food because she said it was okay for me and we had a brief connection. So I’m assuming that this relationship with the new guy started within the 5 days.. and I couldn’t just let her think I had ignore her. I have shown no neediness or obsessive behaviors during this time that I have contacted her.
            I am thinking.. should start NC again or still stay in contact with her by asking her out once in a while?? Please explain the difference..because she wont open up to me!! I feel like I might lose my chance if I continue NC (she is very unlikely to start any type of conversation with me right now) How can I attract her by not talking to her? I don’t want to act needy or start obsessing again before NC started and I know that I’m not supposed to do anything with their relationship and be cool with it because it is her decision whether to get back to me or not. She still HAS NOT told me about her new relationship with the new guy because I found that out myself when I spotted her holding hands with him. Please give me some advice of what I should and should not do, as I don’t want to mess up the chance I have for getting with her.. if I still have any left.. has my chances of getting back together with her dropped a little because of this? Help..!

          • Edward April 17, 2014, 11:04 am

            Hi Kevin,
            Thank you for the emails you have sent me, I find it really helpful to keep myself positive and stay on track. It mentions that says the longer you wait, the harder it will become to get her back and that I have to use psychological triggers and keep pressing on it. Am I going on the right track, by trying to get my genuine traits back while I am on NC? But after NC, if I try to contact her again as a friend, wouldn’t she want to stop being bothered because she is in a relationship with someone else?

  • Marcy April 14, 2014, 4:41 am

    Hey Kevin. So it has been about two months since my ex and I broke up. He broke up with me because we were having a couple of problems (not on the level of cheating, though) and he felt he lost himself in the relationship and needed time and space to figure out what he wanted in life and where he wanted to be. But though he wanted space, he still loved me and he wanted us to move together towards the end of the summer. After me being needy and getting on his nerves, he told me that if we were to move, he wants to know if I could handle just being friends. I told him yes. I stopped contacting him as much, kept my distance, and I only responded when he contacted me. A couple of weeks ago, my ex and I hung out for the first time in a while. We ended up going to the club and got pretty drunk. Afterwards, we ended up at my house. We were beginning to have sex until an interruption came and he stopped. He said it wasn’t right and that he loved and respected me too much to do that. He said we need to set boundaries and that can’t happen again, at least not like that. As much as I wanted him, I understood. Embarrassing enough, I broke down and cried, told him how much I missed him, that I haven’t had sex with anyone since him, that all I want was him. We hugged, kissed and parted ways. But since then, our communication has been cut off. He doesn’t contact me anymore and I feel he’s getting closer to other girls and drifting more apart from me. Where do I go from here? Does this drunk affection means he still loves and misses me? Do I go back to no contact? Do I start contacting him more? What does this mean for us?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 1:05 pm

      Yes, it means he does love you and misses you. I think you should go back to no contact for a while (at least two weeks) and then start talking again. I think you took a step backwards by breaking down in front of him. That probably scared him and made him put his defenses up.

  • Pamela April 13, 2014, 11:53 pm

    Hello,
    I have a burning question to ask. I have been with a man for four years now, and out of no where last week, he dumped me. He said that he just doesn’t feel it anymore, that he wants a new girlfriend. We broke up last Summer for about a month, and then he came back.

    Except, love doesn’t just disappear after four years does it? Will be come back, does he still love me? Why does he want someone new?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:51 pm

      It’s hard to say why does he want someone new, but yes, there is a good chance he will come back if you follow the plan. And no, love just doesn’t disappear, but people change and so do their priorities. Perhaps this relationship wasn’t a priority for him anymore.

  • Robert April 13, 2014, 8:21 pm

    Where do I see my response to my comment?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:47 pm

      Robert, I don’t have a comment from you. Did you use any other email when commenting?

    • Robert April 14, 2014, 8:54 pm

      No and I submitted it over a month ago. But to recap, I am 30 and my now ex is 24. We dated for a year and a half and we’re talking about marriage and even looking at rings back in September. She has a child from before we met who we decided I would raise as my own. The biological father hadn’t been involved for the first 2 years of their child’s life but started coming around more often right around when my ex and started dating. So besides creating a relationship with just her I was becoming a dad to her child and dealing with the father. When we started dating it became such that anyone who saw us knew we were in looooove. We all moved into together in July and unfortunately at the same time I lost my high paying job. So that being said I took it very hard and kind of lost myself in worrying about finances as well as felt like I could take care of my family. We began arguing more often in December and at the beginning of January she broke up with me. So at that point I made the common mistakes of trying to convince her to change her mind, trying to be the best person I could to show her she was making the wrong choice, and giving in to her demands…even offering to help her when I didn’t have to. Then, she moved into her new place and had a scary thing happen so I jumped right in and was there for her. Nothing romantic but as we were there her child was still calling me daddy and we slept in the same bed. We cuddled but nothing more. Then I left and the following night I noticed she had removed all of our pictures from fb so even though I had been drinking and knew it was a mistake I called her asked her why…. obviously I was not dealing with the breakup yet and breakup brain was running things. So directly after that I read your article and implemented the no contact. So after a month and few days after getting in the gym, working on me, getting a great new job, and just overall focusing on my life and becoming more focused than I have been in years I reached out to her. I sent her a text but hadn’t sent her the letter. Just light and about an musician I knew she likes… she didn’t reapond. Then about a week and half later I heard something that her child would love to go to so I called her in the morning on my to work… she answered but just because she had overslept and I woke her up. We both said we should catch up and she said she’d call me that night…. but that didn’t happen. I texted her the next day all upbeat but also because she had a bunch of my stuff and she just told me to talk to her parents because they had it. I haven’t talked to her since. This was a few weeks ago. I have been casually dating….rebound really and focusing on work and my life but still believe deep down that I know where we both went wrong in the relationship and how to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. I believe she maybe in a new relationship/ rebound as well. Since we aren’t talking what are my options and what can be done to begin communication so that the option of getting back together is even possible? I’m really confused as to what to do from here and as much as I completely know I need her in my life I want both she and her child in mine. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!

      Robert

      • Kevin April 15, 2014, 10:58 am

        Hey Robert,

        I think she is trying to avoid communication with you because she is in a relationship and doesn’t feel right about it. In such cases, it might be better to try some other means of communication, like email or facebook messages. Sometimes, they are afraid their boyfriend might check their messages and they don’t respond to it. But they are more responsive to other more private forms of communications like emails.

        If she still doesn’t respond, then it’ll be a good idea to leave her alone for another month (or two) and try again.

  • Kam April 13, 2014, 7:30 pm

    Met a guy and the second date.. we had sex (which I never do). He was already confessing that he wants to be with me forever, wants to have kids with me, wished he could have married me instead of his other wife (he is now divorced), that he wants me to be his queen , wants to sleep with me forever, even had sex without a condom, had dreams at night where he was crying feeling around the bed asking “where did you go?”, waking up and looking around for me if I wasn’t next to him.. Well, you get the idea. He showered me with I love you and practically convinced me of his eternal love. He says he never does this sort of thing (his sister also says he never does this sort of thing. He’s a “bull”). This was out of his character. Called me a few days later and backed way off and acted like he went way too fast and we needed to take at least six months to decide on marriage. It took my head for a spin because his feelings were real and Mine were too! Well, from there i went in and out of being upset with him and his pursuit and withdrawals. Then there was a pregnant scare (which didn’t seem to bother him). I told him to basically make up his mind about what he wanted with me (on the fence or not). So he said we should just be friends before even dating (with the idea that marriage could be a possibility). and I said no, that is going to be a problem. Then he broke up with me and I was in shock (unfriended me and changed his relationship status right then and there). It shocked me and I went into denial..texting.. Showing affection.. Then anger.. Then affection.. Trying to figure out what the hell happened. This all happened in two and a half weeks! I texted too much because I was shocked with his silence. Few weeks later he said for me to stop texting and go away (but then looked at my profile on meetme.com that night). Wtf? I don’t understand.. I have said a few things since then, not much. Weird thing is, he won’t block me and he still reads my messages. He sees all of them but he won’t talk : / Now I am starting the silent thing you’re mentioning. Do you think there’s a chance with this strange circumstance of passion? Haha

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:46 pm

      I think you do have a chance. Although, the sooner they fall in love, the sooner they fall out of love.

  • Johan April 13, 2014, 5:46 pm

    Hey Kevin. So I asked my ex if she wanted to meet up, and she asked me why. I said because it’s so awkward between us in school and then she said that it might send the wrong signals, I replied that I only wanted to repair our friendship. We ended up texting for about 2 hours about all sorts of stuff, at the end we came into more deep stuff how she wasn’t ready for a relationship because she had big problems with herself. I asked about her problems but she said it was hard to explain and that she was tired so she wanted to sleep. Now, the way she said goodnight was a little interesting in my opinion and it’s the reason I’m writing this question, she said: Goodnight, we’ll keep in touch. (roughly translated) I’m thinking that I should wait atleast one day before I contact her again, do you think that’s a good plan or should I text her right away the next day?

    Sincerely Johan

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:30 pm

      I’ll recommend you wait at least three days before texting her again unless of course, she texts you.

  • Jonathan April 13, 2014, 2:47 pm

    I ended my relationship with my girl friend coz she asked me for space i texted her to tell her why i did so but she didnt respond but now i want her back we see each but we dont talk what should i do

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:08 pm

      Follow the plan.

  • Jayme April 13, 2014, 2:41 pm

    I forgot to mention that I am 25 and she is 23. Also forgot to mention that we were together all the time. We even drive to work together as we have an hour commute.

  • Jayme April 13, 2014, 12:50 pm

    My ex and I were together for a little over two years . The last couple of months I was for some reason insecure with her and accused her of cheating on me quite often . I know for a fact that she wasn’t. She finally said she hit her breaking point and could deal with me accusing her of this anymore and we broke up. We talked a tiny bit right after, she said she loved me. I sent her flowers to show I was sorry and she did say thank you. I hadn’t heard from her in about two and a half weeks and couldn’t take it. I called her today, left a voicemail and didn’t hear back. She said she needs space and says she will talk when she’s ready. Now that I messed up the 30 plan, where should I go from here? Easter is coming up and this was the first time I met her family. Do I say anything then? I know she doesn’t forgive and forget easily as she was hurt bad in her last relationship. I feel that she says she will talk when she’s ready, but isn’t one to talk about her feelings Would appreciate your advice as your site helped a lot during those couple weeks I fought every minute to not contact her.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:08 pm

      Start over again. Don’t contact her on Easter. If she contacts you, keep the conversation short and don’t talk about anything personal.

      • Jayme April 15, 2014, 8:00 am

        Thanks for the advice. One more quick question. When we were together she didn’t hang out with many friends. Now all that shows up on my Facebook is she is friends with this guy and that guy that I don’t know. I find this weird. Is she meeting new people or is she already looking to move on?

        • Kevin April 15, 2014, 12:08 pm

          It could be either. No one can say. It shouldn’t matter to you though. You should still follow the plan.

          • Jayme April 16, 2014, 8:25 pm

            Kevin,

            If I don’t say anything doesn’t it show that I don’t care? I feel that was an important day for us and she always said I was the one who didn’t want to be with her, which obviously is not the case. Her whole family will be there (50 plus) if she tells them all doesn’t that kind of make it official and that much harder to come back to me? Last Sunday when I called and didn’t get a response she did text my mom back (didn’t know she text my ex) on Friday. What do you think of that? My bday is about 2 weeks after Easter is it better to wait to see if she says anything as she’s the who who said she will talk when she’s ready (3 weeks ago) I have felt a little better, just wanted your thoughts on this. Thanks in advance, much appreciated.

          • Kevin April 17, 2014, 1:12 pm

            Well, she is going to tell them regardless of you wishing her. And in my opinion, it’ll just look like you are looking for an opportunity to talk to her. If you want to wish her, just send her a text and nothing else. If she tries to talk more, tell her you need some space and time right now.

  • Aaron Thomas April 13, 2014, 11:29 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I was on a no contact period for 1 month. I focused on myself mostly during this period. I did work out, get a job at last and now I am happy. My ex-girlfriend and I are now friends. We talk nowadays but Im always confident and happy when i talk to her.

    We were having our dinner yesterday and she updated on fb that she was having a good time but never tagged me in the post. I got pissed and we had a fight. And then i revealed that i still have feeling for her in the fight. But she still doesnt have and she has moved on. She loves me and trusts me but she is not in love with me. And after the fight she thinks we need space coz i dont seem to have moved on.

    What do you suggest Kevin?
    Regards,
    Aaron Thomas

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:04 pm

      You showed neediness which turned her off. If you just started dating someone, would you have acted the same way? If someone you just started dating someone and she acted this way, what would your reaction be? It’s not very different with your ex. Don’t expect her to treat you like her boyfriend or even close friend. She doesn’t owe you anything. You should treat her like someone you just start dating. I’ll suggest you start the plan all over again.

  • Jacelyn April 13, 2014, 1:24 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I need advice from you regarding this problem that I have with my ex-colleague. Lets call him B, he is not my ex, we were never into any relationship, and I have an existing boyfriend whom I was with for 5yrs plus already. I joined my previous company for a year (I left the company already) and got to know of this very nice and helpful colleague. From the day that I joined my previous company, B has been giving me alot of attention and help, that I never experienced before. We were also chatting extensively on Whatsapp two weeks after knowing each other, chatting non-stop(daily for the first 1-2 months from morning progressively until the time before we go to bed eg. 1-2am). He would also ask me often for dinners in the beginning and told me to feel free to ask him out, even inviting me to service with him.
    He also told me a lot about God, because my faith wasn’t very strong. Understand that he is looking for a partner who has a strong faith in God. He is single, and never had a girlfriend before.
    He was very helpful to me at work, although we are from different division, but he would come to me immediately/as best he could whenever I need any help (through Whatsapp). Eg of his nice gestures includes accompanying me to buy groceries required for work and even offering to carry all the bags, accompany me to buy stationery, coming in to my office just to help me staple my notes, sacrificing his time off hours to help me with some manual work (few times) at another location, waiting with me for my boyfriend to arrive. All these happened in between office hours, or sometimes after work when we stayed back.

    At one point, I was very protective over my phone because I mentioned to my friends about him, and he realised that (protective over my phone), and he would playfully snatch my phone, and we even touched each other’s hand. He would play and tease me eg. Switching off lights in the room to scare me and then holding the door to disallow me from going out, swoving my hair to disturb me. He would also term me as a close friend in the beginning when we were messaging. There were some of his Whatsapp which somehow mislead me about feelings for me, and confuses me if he just replied or hinting something.
    This goes on until I find myself having feelings for him. I had never had crush on any guy, and the reason I started crushing on him, was because he gave me a very strong feeling that he likes me and due to his niceness, affected me to like him. I would tell him my hardships at work and how much I felt like leaving, he would ask why don’t I, and I just said something was holding me back. Once, we were outside, and I told him even when I got home I would think of the something, and he even pulled on my jacket asking me to tell him who that was.
    Eventually one day I cant stand his niceness (I got on train and randomly messaged him telling actually wanted to ask him to wait with me for my boyfriend, and he replied, he would if I asked), that was the point I can’t kept it inside me anymore, and I admitted having feelings for him over Whatsapp. But after I told him, he just told me he actually knew it, and did not have much reaction, and we were as usual, however during conversation he said something rather mean, and I was very angry over it. The next day he waited for me over lunch, kept messaging where I was, I told him to forget it I don’t need any apology, and he insisted that I go to one of the meeting room and he will wait there til I appear, even in the midst, I saw a client looking for him, I told him but he insisted he will still wait for me to appear and apologise to me first. And I had the most sincere apology ever, and I forgave him.
    After that we were still close friends, he never kept his distance from me, despite knowing my feelings. In May last year, we were eating, and then he said I need not think about anything else, I can just focus on my boyfriend, and God. I felt angry and after that I sent him a message telling him that no matter how much I like him, I would never leave my boyfriend because he is the one with me through thick and thin, and asked him not to think too much and I will still ask him for help. After that he replied he never think that way, and he replied yes he knows that I will never leave my boyfriend.
    In June last year I have a quarrel with my boyfriend’s family and I told my colleagues. He also knew what happened and he kept asking me to move back home and review my relationship. He was very concerned even told me about future what happens if my boyfriend cant accept my depression, buying flat isn’t so easy, then if there is something bad happened my boyfriend is going to blame me) when I just telling him about my problem. Once, he messaged me if im still in office, and I said yes, he said I drop by to visit you and he sat beside me and chatted with me for a quite long time before he headed home.
    I told him to treat me nasty so that I can drop my feelings, but he told me he don’t bear to do that. Over the next few months, My feelings for him became deeper and emotionally very dependent on him as he was still treating me nice and helping me out a lot. However due to my sensitivity maybe due to the fact that I confessed I kept feeling things were different in the way he treated me and felt that he was not chatting with me as much, and started blaming him, or question him in Whatsapp (eg. why don’t you ask me for dinner anymore? Why wont you chat with me like last time or why is your reply like “icic”) and when he explained I cant accept and will debate with him over Whatsapp. When we debate initially, he will try to explain his stand (eg. im overall not a talkative person, its normal, so do you expect me to always ask you for dinner? I still come over visit you when im available) these kind of answers. But I find it hard to accept, because he was giving me a lot attention and constantly replying me previously, I kept on having the thought that it must be because I confessed and blamed him, and expecting him to behave the same.
    Many times he would ask me to stop talking about this kind of conversation, else it would lead to quarrel, but most of the time I wont stop, or I stop and the next few days I would question him all over again, because I felt it changed, and I want back the same attention, since he insisted it wasn’t because I confessed to him. These went on for several months, he still reply me but he is getting more impatient, and would always ask me to stop whenever I talk about how I feel or the way he is treating me. Slowly he changed our status from close friend to friend. He is still helpful and replied me about matters at work and willing to talk to me. Due to our constant debating on Whatsapp he told me he prefer to talk face-to-face instead, since we always disagree. I decreased the frequency of questioning except messaging about random stuff or asking for help (July last year to October).
    Sometime in September last year, when we were out In sports, the rest were much ahead, I squatted down to tie my shoelace he sort of stood in the middle not joining the rest but not too close to me, making it not obvious but he was looking out for me and waiting for me. That period of time we weren’t as close as before already but still on talking terms. He need not do that right since he always don’t want to give me the impression that he likes me.
    When I knew that im going to leave the company soon in November last year, and also some of my colleagues who knew that I have feelings for him told me that even if he does likes me, he cant tell me, because he is not supposed to, and also I already have a boyfriend (he is a very devoted Christian). I started thinking over those things he said which mislead me and start asking questions again, because in my mind I just want be sure whether he did have any feelings for me because I never want to miss a chance. Somewhere in august last year onwards, he has been telling me he felt emotionally cringed by me, and felt uncomfortable, emotionally drained. Sometimes over message, he said he felt hurt over what I said of him and then I asked why would he feel hurt if he have no feelings for me, I said im heartpain he said he is too he said he is still a human being with feelings, when asked what type of feelings he said is angry, frustration, heartpain. When I asked him to explain what type of uncomfortable, he said he cant explain. Then I asked is it hate, is it dislike, is it scare, he said no to all, but he replied he don’t know how to explain in my precise level.
    Once, im talking to him face to face, and I asked him why just by asking some questions over Whatsapp can he feel so cringed, im not cringing to him physically, and if I did, wont he run? He replied something which surprised me, as if in a way that he replied too quickly, he said if you cringe to me, what if I became soft-hearted, and we develop how? Later on when I get him to explain why would he say something like that if he said he has no interest in me, he kept saying that is just an example, there might be a possibility but its still overall an example. Since October, he has told me he is only willing to go out with me in group, I tried to bargain and being very desperate and persuaded him to change his mind, but he wont. And then in Dec, we went on 1 day trip with co-workers, he is rather cold to me, and abit avoiding, I dare not approach him much but at times when I look at things he will talk to me casually, and then I asked him for a private discussion because he was sitting beside me. So that time I tried asking him to re-consider if he can to make our situation so bad, and if there is a possibility we can still come out alone, he sticked to his principle however at one moment his eyes gave me a look that seemed forced like he almost wanted to give in or really he don’t wish to be like this that kind of look. I stopped asking him about anything after the trip, and did not message him much anymore as I set my heart to stop asking him anything. Except during CNY in Jan this year I sent him a CNY greeting. Somehow I realised he did not appear online totally. Then I found out he actually blocked me. I felt very angry because I already stopped asking him anything over msg, and I asked him and he told me he blocked me is after the trip, but im very angry when why I stopped asking him anything already he had to block me. In Jan this year, I tried to ask him why would he do that, he just told me he had to do that, I tried explaining I already stopped but he did not know because he already blocked me, even pleading him not to do so, because I was devastated, but he would not give in, and insisted he had to do so, and some point he said see how, next he became very firm again. He said he had no confidence that I would not ask him those stuff again, no matter how I promised. And then in March, once he came back office (he relocated elsewhere since Dec last year), I msged him that I need to talk to him, he said a quick one, and asked me what time, then I kept changing my timing a few times, giving reasons (real) as im busy at the moment, the last time I changed was I need to pack something with my colleague and I cant just leave it and go talk to him, it will seem irresponsible. And then he did waited abit, and then before he went off, he actually came into my office, normally he would leaves straight from the other unit, apparently he came in doing nothing much, glanced around abit but not doing so obviously and just said bye to some colleagues who were still around and left (normally he don’t do that). That gave me a feeling he just came in to see if im telling the truth. Another instance was we were seated together for a company meal, he was opposite me across the table. We weren’t really exchanging much eye contact, except one instance I was glancing around with my random stealing quick glares at him. I suddenly noticed that he was looking at me in the eye, and I was certain we had eye contact, when he saw that I saw that he looked at me, still he did not shifted his glance, we locked glance for what was like about 10sec, and I looked away because it was too long, and I was embarrassed. I was quite certain he was looking at me, because behind me also nothing much, no pretty ladies also.
    During my last week at my company, he actually appeared twice that week and came on my last day, which I was shocked(normally he seldom comes back after relocation, the most only once every two weeks), it maybe coincidence. I last saw him a company dinner 2-3 weeks ago, and I have since left the company. My ex-colleague who is with him at the relocated office has asked me to visit them and have lunch together, but I have not went down since. I last SMS him asking on 17-March did my colleague who went off with him asked him anything, because we were talking in the meeting room quite loudly, my final asking him if he can don’t made until we cant be friends anymore, the outcome is still the same. Luckily he replied, which I thought he wont, that he just told her he wished me the best, that’s all. My last SMS to him was last Friday, informing him that I would like to treat him and another colleague to a meal, and the following morning he replied”thank you for the treat, sorry but I have to decline your treat”. Then I replied few hours later, asking “why do you hate me so much””I sincerely wanted to treat you and another colleague for your niceness and help, it’s a one time thing, why wont you accept” and he replied that “Because he don’t deserve such treat”, next I took many hours before I replied, sending 2-3 messages asking why, even telling him if not he can pay for it himself, over a span of 1 SMS per day, but no reply anymore. I became very sad and devastated after that, even thinking of killing myself, at the thought of being unable to communicate with him anymore.
    I really like him a lot, and he was nice and gave me a lot of emotional support previously, but I did not took that for granted, instead I was being emotional, and kept asking him so many questions, or telling him with how I felt. But I have never once asked him to be together with me once, I also told him that. I just want him to know how hurt I felt, when he downgraded our friendship, or when he stopped chatting with me or when he told me we can only come out in groups. But my intention was never to ask him to be with me, because im still with my boyfriend, I just wanted to know if he had any real feelings for me, or he was hiding, and If I can be sure, I will leave my boyfriend for him because I like him alot. I know im selfish. Im still blocked on his Whatsapp.
    I have many questions on mind, is he avoiding me and harsh to me because like what he said (but don’t admit) he is afraid that when I cringed to him, he will fall for me, and he is not supposed to (he suggested many times for me to breakup with my boyfriend/review my relationship when I mentioned about my rs, because I have a boyfriend (but I doubt this is the case but im thinking is there a possibility after his shocking reply on the cringing part), or is he playing mind games? Is he forcing me to leave my boyfriend by ignoring, since I did not leave despite him telling me to leave many times(indirectly by implying on my poor rs)? (Again, it might be me over-thinking) or is it because he really felt cringed and really dislike me and find me irritating and hope that I get out of his life (maybe this more of the case, but I did not question him as much as like I did the initial few months, why did his treatment suddenly turn so harsh in Dec, when I already stopped?). No matter if he likes me or he doesn’t like me (it is not so crucial for me), but I really hope to be in contact with him just as a friend, nothing more. He has made me so devastated due to the state where I think if he were really to totally cut contact with me forever, I would die, with this thought, I wanted to do stupid things to myself, because I still like him a lot. I thought to myself this is already so painful, never would I dare to be with him, because if we were really to go into a rs, if he breakup with me, I would feel so painful and have to go through it again, so I really mean it I don’t intent to be with him, just stay friends forever. I only wish for us to be great friends like before, and will not harbour any feelings on him again, but he never believe me anymore, he told me he don’t have confidence that I will stop asking the last time.
    My mind is very lost, I have a few ideas in my mind but I don’t know what to do, pls advise me which alternative should I take? I am holding back, I want to get your opinion before I proceed with any action, because I am really scare I would ruin it again, and he might avoid me totally.
    A. I keep fighting the urge to email him a letter and tell him I feel, how depressed I am, and previously a friend of mine was angry with me and ignored me for a year, I told him that too, in our initial chatting, that he is putting me through the same thing. Wanting to tell him with him doing that, I totally unable to move on in life, because of the sadness. But thinking even when I face to face pleaded with him almost to the extent of kneeling down and begging in, he also wont give in and sticked to his stand, and kept insisting that even though he know im suffering, he wont do anything which he is uncomfortable, that is so painful to hear, yet I still cant let go of him, made me think even I write the letter I am not sure if he will compromise abit. I also feel like telling him, I don’t mind him not wanting to meet me yet, not able to unblock me on Whatsapp yet, all I ask is that when sometimes I randomly SMS him casually, he can reply, to make me feel we don’t totally cut contact that’s all. My plan is to let him know that as time goes on, he can really see that im not clinging onto him emotionally just treating him as a friend, and gradually he will accept back our friendship. Im afraid if I emailed him, he don’t reply, my pain will increase a lot, that’s what holding me back.
    B. NC with him for several months (how many months should I take?) and try to slowly contact him back. But do you think this will work, will we ever be friends again if I never contact him for few months, or even by doing so, its useless? But even for NC in rs can work, wheareas in my case, its not even a rs, it should work easier right? Or is it harder, since he felt so cringed by me? But its really really very hard to do so, everytime he is on my mind, I hardly can do anything, I am struggling with my life even, im totally obsessed with him. Make myself be a changed person, confident, pretty, and not emotional.
    I read every single comment all the NC seems to work, no matter how bad the rs became. Will mine even work, since its not a rs to begin with, and the guy feels so clinged. Sad ;( it seems hopless right?
    C. Find a job near where he worked, and occasionally meet my ex-colleagues up for lunch (not sure if he will join), gradually we can be friends, since I don’t think he hate me or afraid of me to that extent, but I wont know since he suddenly (recent few months) became so uncomfortable with me.
    Or maybe just meet my ex-colleagues and avoiding him, making sure he wont join, like avoiding him, will that work better?
    D. In my most desperate approach, which was what I really felt like doing, whenever I think that we could no longer be in touch again, or forever he wont care about me anymore, I really felt like slashing my wrist, and be warded in the hospital, and inform him, hopefully he will visit me in hospital, and then pleaded with him. I really am very depressed when I think of him ignoring me, and I wish I could tell him, and he would spare a thought for my feelings like he used to.
    E. Wait for him off work, and plead with him face to face again, telling him how depressed I feel, crying, how hard I find it to move on, pleaded with him to help me with my emotional state (my colleagues are concerned about me as I have depression and he used to care a lot always, advising me to call depression hotline when previously Im depressed over my boyfriend’s matter). Im afraid it wont work and next time he will totally avoid when he see me near his workplace. He ever told me don’t do the avoid thing when I told him I wanted to avoid him previously when im angry.
    I know im lousy, emotional and don’t act decent since I already have a boyfriend, but I did not want to fall for him in the first place, its because my emotional state is very weak. He is the love of my life, I really hope to get him back in contact again, without avoiding me. That’s all I asked.
    Pls advise what should I do as I do not wish to take the wrong alternative, and totally spoil any chance of us ever contacting back again, pls help thanks. If you don’t mind, can I send you my Whatsapp conversation with him, so that you can help me analyse? I will cut away those irrelevant portions.
    Sorry for such a long post. Look forward to a detailed plan from you to get him back. Thanks Kevin.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 11:51 am

      Hey,

      Boy you weren’t kidding when you said your message can be lengthy.

      Before I answer, I want to tell you that I just skimmed through the whole thing to just get an idea of your situation. But I did read the part where you mention your options as I think that’s really the most important. I hope you understand since I have a lot of comments to answer and if you have more questions you can ask me again.

      I’ll highly recommend that you choose option B. Apply no contact, at least for two months before getting back in touch with him. I know it wasn’t really a relationship but from what I read, you did act needy and desperate. No contact will benefit you just like it does everyone else. The main objective of no contact is to help you accept the breakup and realize that you don’t need your ex in your life to be happy. And I think that is the most important thing that you need right now. I will recommend that you keep no contact for as long as necessary to achieve that objective.

      • Jacelyn April 15, 2014, 3:14 pm

        Hi Kevin,

        Thanks for your reply and reading the very long post. Sorry i had to type put everything because i need your help to get the full picture, but apparently its kinda hard. The main thing im very concerned is that could there be a possibility that he actually likes me (or has some feelings for me) but is purposely setting a distance between us because he knew that i wont leave my boyfriend, and him being a very devoted christian, will also never reveal feelings or try to snatch other’s girlfriend.
        Did you read the part i mentioned, asking him if i cling to him how, and he shockingly replied “if you cling to mei became soft-hearted, and we develop how?later on, i kept asking him but he said there is such a possibility, he wont deny that, but what he was stating is just an example. If a guy have no feelings, would he say something impossible? What do you think? I am not a thick skinned girl, somehow i feel he might have feelings because while talking to a colleague seated between us (me left of the colleague him right of the colleague), when the colleague talks, he supposed to be looking at the colleague, but i can feel his eyes attention overshot the colleague and is towards me actually, because i also turning to look at my colleague. (maybe im sensitive) but somehow a girl does have some instinct but there is no sure way to tell.
        because i read some comments here that the guy actually loves the girl, but can still end up doing very mean things to her like avoiding her etc. Just dont wish to miss that real love which could have blossomed, but spoil by us unknowingly doing stupid things (me unwilling to leave my boyfriend and kept asking him and find out from any feelings to push him away) and him pushing me away (for fear that we will develop but i have a boyfriend).
        Otherwise, if he really have no interest, i just hope that we can remain as good friends (but he sorta cut off personal contact although still reply some sms but not all), and im so depressed, and i dare not find him because i dont wan him to avoid me even further. And also is it possible i can send you our txt conversation for you to help analyse? Thanks for taking the effort to read through once again, you are doing a great job here!

        • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:27 am

          Hey Jacelyn,

          Is it possible for you to break up with your boyfriend? If so, do it. Your boyfriend also deserves someone who is 100% devoted to him and you also deserve to be with someone you can be 100% devoted to. After that, he will probably make a move.

          • jacelyn April 16, 2014, 2:22 pm

            Hi Kevin,

            So based on what you replied, you think that the guy likes me? But he has told me once when we were angry with each other that he has no interest in me. Please tell me what you think?
            Its very hard for me to leave my boyfriend, because we have been together for 5 years plus (longest relationship) and im not young anymore. Although many times i feel like leaving and find a quality love rs. Last year June, i quarreled with his family it got so bad im chased out, and the guy told me many times to move back home and reconsider my relationship with my boyfriend, but i did not, although that time i already liked the guy, i was not prepared to sacrifice my long rs and i cant move back home that time, because i just started moving in with my boyfriend which was my wish for many years, due to my home situation.
            My boyfriend is the type who always aloof, and dont communicate much, not loving, that is the way he is from day one, but we were not that bad, we are more of like a companion. Before i joined the company (1 year ago) and getting all busy with the guy, work and my colleagues, we were still alright, he would fetch me, we still get involved sexually, and he still goes alot of places with me, not so bad. Now, practically my boyfriend comes home just playing his iphone and doing his stuff, we are practically individuals doing our stuff, and he do not even approach me at all, its that bad. To the extent he even dislike me touching him, and getting close to him. Not sure if its due to me trying to make him jealous previously by mentioning about the guy.
            I dont wish to come to a stage where i lose my boyfriend and lose the guy, without knowing if he have any feelings for me. (thats why i did not breakup with my boyfriend previously even the guy has told me to do so)
            Actually now, i only want the guy back as a friend, thats all, because im also not sure if we are suitable to be together, but i do feel a strong friendship previously which could have blossomed into love, if i handled everything well.
            Last question, will the relationship rewind be of help to the situation me and my boyfriend are facing? Thanks Kevin.

          • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:42 pm

            Hey Jacelyn,

            I think relationship rewind can help your current situation with your boyfriend. However, if you want to fix your current relationship with your boyfriend, then I’ll suggest you seek couples therapy. It’ll be a lot more effective than relationship rewind. As for the other guy, you have to be honest with yourself. Do you want him as a friend? If so, you wouldn’t be so desperate to have him in your life. When people lose friends, they don’t get as scared as you are right now. I think you want him as a friend just so you can have a possibility of starting a romantic relationship with him sometime in the future.

            I guess what I’m saying is, choose someone. Either your boyfriend or the other guy. If you choose your boyfriend, then you should be completely committed to making the relationship work with him. And you should forget about the other guy and cut all contact with him forever.

            If you choose the other guy. break up with your current boyfriend. I know it’s scary, but that relationship is keeping you from finding happiness in your life. You deserve a quality relationship. You deserve, love respect and admiration. Even if things don’t work out with the other guy, you can still find love and happiness.

            I don’t believe age is a big factor in this day and age. There are so many ways to meet new people in your age group. I can guarantee you that there are a lot of single guys in your age group who are looking for someone like you to love and admire. I know it’s scary to be single again after 5 years, but it’s definitely going to be better than the situation you are in now.

  • Keith April 12, 2014, 3:13 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    It’s now just over 2 weeks since I sent Vic my letter letting her know about my divorce.
    This was it;

    Hi Vic,
    Hope you are doing okay.
    I know this letter doesn’t fix what’s broken between us, and maybe it never will.
    But I know I made some mistakes during our relationship, and I want to take full responsibility for those. I also want you to know that I’m sorry for acting the way I did after we split up and I apologise that I hurt you.
    On a different note, my Divorce Absolute has been granted so things are starting to look up.
    I hope Luca is still doing well at school and with his footie. Please give him my love.
    Take care of yourself.
    Keith
    XX

    My house has now just sold and that was the main problem she had more than the divorce. She was scared in case I loved the house that much I could never let it go and that’s why she split up to avoid carrying on then possibly getting hurt in the future.
    Should I give her more time to let her get to terms with the fact that I’m now divorced or should I let her know about the house now? If I should let her know what is the best way to go about it bearing in mind her barriers are still up?
    I had thought about sending her son Luca all my garden bird feeders which I used to have in my garden and a note saying I hope he can use and enjoy them as I don’t have a garden anymore. Vic will obviously read the note and will know that this means the house is sold but don’t know whether this is a good idea.
    Can you help Kevin?
    Thanks so much.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:51 am

      Hey Keith,

      I think you should contact her using texts(the one mentioned in the article). If she responds and you have a text conversation, you can bring up the house during the conversation. Don’t talk about getting back together or show any neediness.

      If she doesn’t respond to your text or is extremely cold, then send her the bird feeders.

  • brandon April 12, 2014, 1:32 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex girlfriend broke up with me month ago. We are high school sweet heart. She was my bestfriend and I am her too. We lived together for 3 years and half. all those years we are together were the happiest moment of my life. She Broke up with me because she was tired of hoping that i will be open to her. that was the main issue communication. I admit its hard for me to share how i feel to her especially if i have problem, but it doesn’t mean that i dont love her. I love her so much. God knows i tried to share how i feel to her. until one day her mother told me that i just used her daughter that i don’t really love her daughter and i was shocked. I didn’t know where that came from. So i let my girlfriend know ( i texted her because at that time she was in another country for training) she said we will talk about the issue when she came back. but when she came back we never talked about it. I waited for her to initiate the talk. for almost 3 weeks we were cold to each other. we really dont speak that much. then when the day came, she said she dont wanna invest in the relationship anymore. she said she was tired of me. I was really hurt, I apologized for my mistake and asked if we could work it out together. she dont want me to move out but I i thought moving out was the right thing to do because how could i stay if i know we dont have anymore relationship? it would just break me apart and maybe it will just destroyed what we had. was it the right thing to do kevin to moved out? We cried, I cried a lot. I was so afraid being alone coz i dont have any family here, my family is in onother country. She said she still love me and she just need time and space. she said we must give our relationship a time. when i moved out it was really hard even until now. I was so desperate and afraid that she would forget me. I went to her work, texted her if she could give me another chance.. but she didn’t. the last time i saw her was two weeks ago. she said she still love me,she also said she still hoping that we will be back together again in time and that she has a faith on us. but its hard to believe that because her actions is really opposite to what she said. Its been 3 weeks now that i didn’t hear from her. she unfriend me in facebook (but she didnt unblock me) erased our pictures together. It’s been a week that i texted her that i already accepted the break up. even it hurt so much i am trying to move on. I always think of her. there is a part of me saying i need to wait and have faith in us but there is also a part of me saying i need to let go. she send all my things through her cousin to my place. and she wanted me to change my address. I really dont know what to do kevin. I love this girl more than anything in this world. DO I STILL NEED TO WAIT AND HOPE? OR SHALL I MOVE ON AND LET HER GO? DO YOU THINK I STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT? DOES SHE STILL LOVE ME?

    thank you. hope to hear from you.

    Brandon

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:47 am

      Hey Brandon,

      Like I said in the comment over here, I do think you have a chance and it’s worth giving it a shot. If the plan doesn’t work, you can be sure you don’t have a future and move on.

  • Amy April 12, 2014, 12:41 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    What if your girlfriend broke up with you, due to her depression? We broke up 2 months ago, would have contact every now and then, mostly by text, but it would always go back to an emotional argument. Then I realized my mistakes in the relationship and told her that and appologized. I was caught up in my own stresses that I didn’t realize I wasn’t paying enough attention to her and so I think her feeling neglected is what triggered her depression. Then everything else in her life was suddenly wrong, she can’t handle being near me, she now has insomnia, basically her mind is completely messing with her., making her question everything. She feels numb and so unsure of everything. We were great for about 14 months of living together and not so great for 3 months. She struggled to end it with me, first saying she needs space, then a break, then a break up. She moved in with a friend 2 months ago. She refuses to see a doctor about her depression, but even I have suffered from it, so I know over time she will come out of this episode naturally. Does the plan apply to a relationship that suffered because of this?? I can’t logically imagine spending so many great months making memories with someone to be something they couldn’t realize after the depression lifts. She says she needs zero contact and isolation, basically from everyone, so I know I don’t have a choice, but do you think it could still work for someone like her?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:43 am

      Yes, I think there is a chance it will work. Although, you really can’t do anything unless she comes out of her depression. I also replied to you here.

  • Daphné April 12, 2014, 12:01 pm

    Hi Keven! So me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and 7 months. Things were perfect, we never had big fights, we argued a little sometimes but it’s normal. Since this september, school started and he started to work so we didn’t see each other during the day, so we decided to sleep together everynight. Since then, it was like we were living together, one night we slept at his house and the other night we were at mine. We still never have big fights, everything was doing great. Until he told me, a week ago, that his feelings have changed. He told me what he didn’t like about our relationship, what he wanted us to change. He told me that he started to have memories with his ex, that he dated for 8 months. (apparently they were always arguing and their relationship never worked out). I asked him if he could delete him from facebook so he won’t see her pictures and stuff. He did it. He told me that he didnt miss her or want to go back with her, he even told this to his friend. He told me that he didn’t see himself without me and that i was the most beautiful thing that happened to him.I gave him some space, we didnt talk for a day. Then, we texted each other and it was perfect like before. He was giving me some affection and attention that a guy wouldn’t do if he didn’t love me. When we were having sex it was perfect and he told me that he love me and stuff… then on wednesday, he came at my house after school to tell me “ i think i am the problem “. He didn’t know if he loved me or not, so we decided to take a little break. I was texting him long message that night. but the other day i didnt texted him, he texted me during the night but i only responded the morning. He wanted us to talk. I was sooo stressed to know what he was going to say to me… on friday night, i saw that he was snapchatting his ex, so i was soo pissed and it hurted my feelings because i told him to delete her from facebook it’s not for nothing! He didnt understand why I was this pissed because he told me that they were just talking about little things nothing serious. He then stopped to talk to her. (she started talkimg to him on wednesday that he told me). Then on sunday we saw eachother, he told me how much he loved me, how much i was beautiful. sex was perfect. I really felt like he missed me… the other day we were together he was cute too and it was like usual. We slept at my house, we watched a movie he wanted to watch so I made him happy. The next day, he had to go at his house and it is where everything changed. He didnt text me, he was being weird. I told him that i was worried and after what happenned i needed him to tell me things like “i love you you dont need to worry about anything“. He told me that he was tired, so he didnt say anything. The other day, he acted normal he told me he loved me and stufff… then bam, i called him after school and he told me on the phone that we were done. He was so weird, he told me this so fast. So the next day he came to my house and we talked about it. I was pissed because I saw that he was snapchatting his ex. He told me that he loves his ex…. I then told him why he acted like he loved me? and he told me he forced himself and that he didnt wanna hurt my feelings. I told him that i knew when something wasnt going right and that he wouldnt of told me he loved me and didnt cuddle me like usual if he was forcing himself… So we broke up on wednesday. His mom was texting me to know how I was doing. Her mom told me that they all didnt understand why he did this, and they know that it is not the right decision. They know that i would take care of him not like his ex. Her mom told him that she wasnt the welcome at their house. They hope he will realise that it is not the right decision… My bf (ex now) told them to let him do his own mistakes…. I heard at school that apparently they were seeing eachother yesterday night. Right now, I cry sometimes but i am more pissed at him. I dont always have the urge for him to text me or me to text him. I just don’t know why he did this to me, what heis thinking in his head.. Everyone doesnt understand because it was like he was very inlove with me.. I dont know what to think, that he still love me and it is beccause of her that he broke up with me. I would want to know if he is sad right now, if he misses me, i would want to know if him and his ex doesnt work out if he would come back… I am not texting him or anything. I know how much he loved me, i dont even realise it is real, i feel like he will come back because i wouldnt understand if he wouldnt miss me… I heard that his ex was very jealous and possesive, even with her last boyfriend. She was in a 10 months relatiomship and it ended 2 weeks ago… I want to forget about him, but i have so many questions, i would want to know that if his ex wouldnt be there if he would of stayed… i just hope it wont work out or he will miss me… idont know what to think :( I dont even know how he could move on from our relationship so fast, because he loved me a lot… and we’ve been together for a long time so everything will make him think of me.. Do you think there are chances of him coming back? And by the way, sorry for my bad english I am french.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:41 am

      Hey,

      I think he does miss you and he is sad about the breakup. You two did have something special and probably deep down inside, he also knows he is making a mistake. If his relationship doesn’t work out (and chances are it won’t), he will most probably come back. But you should apply no contact and learn to be happy without him. You have to learn to stop obsessing over him and realize even if he doesn’t come back, you are going to have a happy and fulfilling life.

      • Daphné April 15, 2014, 6:19 pm

        Hey, it’s me again. I have a lot of questions in my head and I know that because of that, I won’t be able to move on. His mom called me yesterday to talk about everything and she wanted to know if I was ok. She told me that everyone in the family are sad, because they know that it is not the right decision and they knew I was a good girl for his son. Her mom told me that everytime she tries to talk to my ex, he gets frustated.. they don’t recognize him. He’s mad because her mom doesn’t accept his decision… Today I went to school and I saw her having his shirt, and I keep going on snapchat and I see that he keeps snapchatting with her… I know that it is normal because right now their relationship must be good and he thinks that it’s the right decision… but I keep asking myself if he will come back. I am not contacting him, and I am trying to get over him. Her mom told me that she told him that it’s the 3rd time that they will get back together and she told him that it couldn’t work if it didn’t worked out before. She told me that when he was with her he felt like he was the only one making efforts for them to work, and that he was very heartbreaking when they broke up… It’s like if he told himself that because his ex comes back, he is telling himself that maybe it’ll work out because she is the one coming back… I am hurt, I never knew he would do this to me, no one understands. It’s like if those two years were for nothing (I know that I will learn something from that), but he was so in love with me, I don’t understand why he is doing this, he doesn’t even seem to care… Her mom told me that she is manipulating him….

  • anu April 12, 2014, 11:58 am

    You are an eye opener… thank you so much….. will never forget this…

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:36 am

      You’re welcome Anu. I am glad it helped.

  • D.F April 12, 2014, 9:21 am

    So myself and this girl got together beginning of this year,she is 23 and I will be next month.
    We had a few emotional rollercoasters,due to not knowing
    How the other feels about the situation.

    I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend she said yes.
    We had a arguement in the week.I repremanded her on something
    She did..long story short,it lead to her telling me
    That she is not planning on giving me false hope in this,relationship.
    And that she has been the heart broken girl before and she is
    Not going down that road again.

    She said she does not know what to do from here.I eventually got her apologise,I accepted the apology and said thank you.
    she said you welcome.I did not reply after two days.I greetd her and like wise.I said I though about what we spoke about and whether she did too?

    She still hasn’t reply since.

    I’ve decided to ignore her from here on in?.we not that long together,would ignoring her now,be a smart move?.

    Cause I’m confuse about it all.Is she insecure or just plaing me??.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:17 am

      She is afraid of commitment. Apply no contact. If she contacts you, tell her you both need space and time and continue with the plan.

  • Aamyah April 12, 2014, 3:39 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I have been broken up with about six weeks ago, we’ve been together on and off for almost nine years, we don’t have kids together but I do have two kids from a previous relationship that are quite attached to him, especially my youngest who has been asking for him for quite a bit these days. He said that I was in need of time that he couldn’t give me because he wanted to focus on stabilizing himself to have a better life.I thought that I could handle not having him around very much but I guess that I didn’t.When he left this last time I did send him an email and a couple of text messages but then I went quiet. After about two weeks he responded and told me things like not to apologize for anything and that maybe someone else could give me what I needed. I did respond to that email telling him that that was not what I wanted, I wanted to work things out with him. That was almost three weeks ago, he didn’t respond. About a week ago he called and I missed the call, when checking my phone I realized that I had accidentally called him, but I only saw that after I had called him back (he didn’t pick up). So I just sent him a text apologizing for the misunderstanding. I stayed quiet after that. Today I sent him another text just to tell his mom happy birthday for me, I lost her number, he didn’t respond to my request at all. Should I have not said anything? His birthday is at the end of the month should I not say anything then?

    A couple of years ago when we broke up for a couple of months I followed this process I stayed quiet, then I wrote an email like the one you suggested. We did end up back together so the process works but will it work this time especially since I’ve done it before? I just want to know how I should do things from here has accidentally contacting him then doing it again, has that set me back? I’m a letter and email writer by nature, I written him love noes and apology letters a few times over the years, so does that mean that my letter could possibly be less effective???…

    Please help!

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:11 am

      I think it might work again. It’s worth trying. I’ll suggest you start no contact again for one or two months and then use it. I don’t think letters will be less effective. Just keep the letter short this time and don’t talk about getting back together.

  • Sophia April 11, 2014, 10:27 pm

    Kevin
    I met a married man. Just happened. We were together 8 times over 4 months. We broke up several times because we felt that what we were doing wasn’t right. We tried to be friend. It didn’t work. Last time, we met, he said he would leave his wife if he didn’t have kids. So I said it was enough and not to contact me again. He agreed. It’s been two weeks. It is hard. What should I do ? I know this is a different scenario than having an ex… for me, it is now the no contact rule… For ever ?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 9:57 am

      I guess. Unless he decides himself to get a divorce, you can’t do anything.

  • Anne April 11, 2014, 1:52 pm

    Dear Kevin,

    I was dating a guy (23 years old) from March till February (11 months). He was my first guy.

    I didn’t like him firstly, because basically he was not a good guy – disrespectful, liar, very childish, arrogant, jealous, poor, irresponsible, used some very strong drugs in the past (heroine), weak mentally and having some psychological problems. (Nevertheless he is talented and clever and is graduating from a medical university next year). But with me he changed a lot because he crazily fell in love with me, wanted to marry me and step by step was changing a lot for me. Started paying for me, bringing me flowers and chocolates each time, found a job, refused to go partying with friends for me. Even his friends were shocked by such a change, saying they never ever saw him like that before.

    I found out that he cheated on me on 2d and 4th month of our dating. But he was so sorry, saying he felt so sad that we fought, so he went to these girls to feel better. I forgave him but after that I became IMPOSSIBLE. Even though he was doing nothing bad after, I stopped trusting him, was making scandals out of nowhere, crying all the time. Moreover I was comparing myself and his exs al the time. If he brought me a present, firstly I was happy, but was starting shouting, that he did that to her as well. We had fights every day.

    So in november he dumped me, but after a week he came back saying his life is empty without me, and he can’t live without me. I took him back.

    This february, he broke up with me again, because ‘his sister, his family and friends tell him that he deserves someone much better than me’, that’ I am controlling him too much, and he wants to drink and have fun and do whatever he wants, and he is tired of fighting and that I am so disrespectful towards him and that he is always hurt by me.’

    I persuaded him not to do it, next day was Valentine’s day, he brought me flowers, nice postcard, took me to a nice place. But after we stayed together 3 more days, and he was sooooo disrespectful with me and irritated by me, treating me like a dog, shouting, so that finally I had nothing but to say ‘we need a break’. After 4 days I saw him in a club, very sad. So I came to him, hugged him, saying ‘come on, lets get together, it was just a small break’. But he behaved very arrogant, saying in front of everyone, that he feels much better without me, that we tried for one year, nothing will work, and other awful things, blowed cigaret smoke into my face. 30 min later he saw me talking with a guy and approached me 2 times trying to pull away from that guy. But I told him”you just 30 min ago told me ‘its over’ and humiliated me in from of your friends. So what do you want from me now? Go away”.

    Next day he deleted 100 pictures of us from instagram and I wrote him a message stating ‘I don’t want to see you and to hear you ever in my life anymore, don’t you ever try to contact me in anyway, it is over!” So he deleted the rest of our pics everywhere including Facebook, and BLOCKED me everywhere.

    I was dying after, wanted to write him, that ‘I understood my mistakes, that I will not make crisis anymore, will be easier, not fighting, not talking about the past, not controlling him, appreciating even the smallest things from him, praising him more, etc’. But all my friends were telling me not to do it, not to write to him, though I felt that only this can help.

    A month passed, I haven’t contacted him in anyway, when I saw him somewhere, I didn’t approach him. But at the last party I saw him with a girl, her appearance was totally opposite to mine (I am tall, very beautiful brunette, she is small, tiny, ordinary blonde). When he saw that i saw them together, he took her very carefully by shoulder as if trying to protect her from me, and took her to another place. 2 hours later I saw them again, passionately kissing in the corner. touching each other. He saw that I saw them, and he went away with her again. Is he really in love with her and trying to hide her from me?

    It freaks me out he is not posting pictures on IG or FB, not event trying to make me angry or jealous, and hiding his life…

    In 5 days it will be exactly 2 months since we have last spoke to each other. I so want to write to him. But I am afraid. If he didn’t contact me during this time. he might have moved on and living a happy life without me. Because previously it was no problem to him to approach me through any means. to write 300 messages if I were mad at him and so on. So now if i contact him he will just hurt me, saying fuck off, or that he is happy with his new girlfriend (if he has one).

    I feel so guilty I killed his love to me with my constant fights and distrust to him and didn’t do my best to save this relationships.

    Help me. Kevin, what should I do?((

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 8:49 am

      You should contact him. Use the letter mentioned in the article. And then contact him using text messages. When you contact him, don’t tell him to get back together. Let it be his idea.

  • Tony April 11, 2014, 11:11 am

    Hi Kevin,
    my name is Tony and I’m 19 I’ve recently broken up with my girlfriend Andrea who’s 16! We’ve know each other for like 10 years! and after 5 months of dating, I sent a stupid message to her! I’ve pushed her love away and I’ve sent like 100 messages saying I’m sorry and that I love her which is a mistake! I think I’m pushing her away by messaging her a lot! I just want her back! How long before I send a message to her?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 6:44 am

      Hey Tony,

      You should wait 30 days.

  • Katie April 11, 2014, 10:37 am

    Good afternoon!
    I sent you emails at the end of march. So you should know or be able to look at the back story.
    March 29th we did get back together I was so happy
    He invited me over and kissed me well things got a little heated and stopped him. I told him that i respect myself too much and we need to talk and fix things before anything like this would happen. So we talked and everything was fine.

    The week went fine. but he seemed distant. So i adressed it and he said he just needs time . I told him I dont expect him to swing his door open but since im working on things he should open up slowly (though if u look at my prior post its not like i even did anything horrible!)
    Saturday we went to the beach and had a great day
    Sunday i left in the afternoon to do some work we talked that night.
    Monday no contact; Tuesday…no contact so Wed I sent him a sweet photo a sexy photo and i loveyou have a great day! within about an hour range.
    STILL NOTHING
    IDK why. Does he want his “space again” is he going to break up again? I dont get it I think a few texts after three days is ok.
    He still has not contacted me….

    Please help. I want him to chase me. I am a probably too sweet gf. I cook, clean, go up and beyond and love 100%….

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 6:43 am

      It’s hard to say what’s going on with him. I think the only thing you can do right now is give him more space and don’t message him again for at least another week.

  • Jaici April 11, 2014, 10:25 am

    Hey Kevin,
    So it’s my birthday on Saturday and my ex texted me yesterday to wish me an early happy birthday since he is going out of town for the weekend. I am feeling pretty good and no contact would have been over in a few days so I decided to text him back and ask how he was doing. He called me right away and we talked and it was pretty good, except he kept asking me if I am still in love with him, which was annoying but I explained that I agreed with the break up and I’m sorry for all my neediness. I can tell that he think nothing has changed and that I’m still the same. He said he still loves me a lot and that if I were to love there he would date me again. But anyways, we talked all day and it was good but when night rolled around we basically slept together over Skype. I panicked and I just went with it but I told him afterwards that it wasn’t going to happen again and we are not that kind of friends. Do you think I ruined my chances ?

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 6:40 am

      No, I don’t think you ruined your chances. I think he will be contacting you again, but take things slowly and let him chase you for a while.

      • Jaici April 14, 2014, 7:07 pm

        I got your message back a little late, yesterday I sent him old pictures of our conversations from when we started dating with a “haha these are so funny, so long ago” type of message. He was very unresponsive and a bit cold. He put “lol” and when I asked how his trip was he said good and I said thats good and he never answered me back. I dont know what changed. Should I just give him a few days and see if he contacts me?

        • Kevin April 15, 2014, 10:48 am

          Yes, you should back off for a while.

          • Jaici April 16, 2014, 11:39 am

            Hey Kevin,
            It’s been about three days since my ex and I last talked, and I feel like something is wrong. He would have contacted me by now if he wanted to talk. I’m very confused. Do you have any ideas why something may have changed? If he doesn’t contact me, should I text him? I would wait until it’s been a week before I did that obviously, but if I should text him what should I say?

          • Kevin April 17, 2014, 10:07 am

            If you haven’t used the texts in the article till now, use them.

  • Alessa April 11, 2014, 9:18 am

    Hey there,
    So my story is, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months. And we just broke up 3 days ago. The reason we broke up, is because last month he started going out to night clubs, and one night picked up a girl. They apparently exchanged numbers and started talking and seeing each other more often over a one month period. Things started to get into a mess, and I’ve been knowing that he has been contacting her for a while now. But just two weeks ago, she started coming to sleepover at his dormitory every night, I knew because we live in the same building, just different rooms, and saw the girl going to his room every night. Then 3 days ago, we three, the girl, my boyfriend and I met up to talk about how things are going to be handled. I told him to decide between me and her. He eventually chose her, and said that he “just wants to have fun, as she could offer him something i can’t (that is a sexual relationship.” And said that he doesn’t want to hurt me any more.

    But before she came into his life, things were going so well. I know hes not gonna be serious with the girl. So what should I do? I’ve been in no contact with him since the breakup, but next week there’s gonna be a festival held in town for 3 days and our family, which are very close, are going to meet up and I will, with no doubt, encounter him. What should I do in this situation?

    And do you think I would have a chance to getting him back?

    Thanks!

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 6:39 am

      Just be cordial and have fun. Treat him like an acquaintance, don’t talk about the relationship and keep the conversations short (less than 5 minutes).

      I do think you have a chance, but you should use this time to explore your options and learn more about yourself. You are young, and so is he. He is not ready for a commitment and even if you do get him back, there is no guarantee he will be ready to commit and/or he won’t leave you for some other girl. I’ll suggest you keep no contact for 5-6 months, start dating during this time and learn to be happy in your life without him.

      • Alessa April 15, 2014, 3:55 am

        Hey, so I was at the festival yesterday, and apparently he accompanied me to the restroom, so we were alone for like 10 minutes. And then he suddenly kissed me out of the blue, and said he still loved me and asked if we could continue as “best friends,” and when he’s ready he might come back. That’s what he said, but as of now, he said he’s not ready to commit himself to anyone. And I know with my heart, that I obviously could not keep it as “friends,” because of my feelings. What should I do?

        And also, I was facebook messaging with my ex-ex boyfriend named Chris, the one before him, and he saw my phone screen, and asked “Oh, you’re back talking to your ex?” And I said”yeah” and kept messaging, and then he suddenly pulled my phone away. And also, after that, I was taking pictures of the festival and sending them to Chris, and he saw and again asked”Why are you sending photos to Chris? What’s going on between you guys?” What do his actions mean? Was he getting jealous?

        And, I can keep the no contact for 5-6 months, but I will be going abroad this July for my studies for 2 years…… So I should still keep the no contact for 5-6 months right?

        Thanks!

        • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:38 am

          Yes, he was jealous. You should tell him you need time and space and perhaps you can be friends sometime in the future. If you think you need no contact for 5-6 months, then you should. If you want to move on (which I’ll recommend since you are going abroad for studies and LDR with him is going to be extremely hard), then you should continue no contact indefinitely.

          • Alessa April 16, 2014, 9:10 am

            Thank you so much , Kevin for your advice~ I really appreciate it, and I think I will do the no contact for 5-6 months, and then may be later decide whether or not I should move on when the time comes. I will surely need your advice again in the near future ! Thanks ! :)

  • Tony April 11, 2014, 8:05 am

    Hey Kevin
    Ive been dating this girl for 5 months and we have recently broken up cause I sent a mean message to her saying “Talk to me now or never again”! Let me explain on why I sent that message. It was on a Monday night, I was visiting with her and she gets invited out to dinner with one of her friends, I said she could go, ill watch tv until she returns! She returns and she asks her mother if she can go to her friends house and stay, and her mother said no, your boyfriend is here! she looks at me and says well he can go home so I can go to my friends house! I thought it was rude for her to say that! so the next morning I send her friend a text saying ” Tell my girlfriend to check her FB messages ASAP and her friend said my Girlfriend will check it ASAP! that was at 2:25, at 9:30, I was pissed and then I sent that mean message saying talk to me now or never again! She broke up with me after reading that message, it was a huge mistake in sending the message! What should I do now? I miss you her! We could still be together today but I overreacted and now I pushed her love away! and she wont talk to me!

    • Kevin April 13, 2014, 8:44 am

      It’s OK Tony. Follow the plan. Send the letter as mentioned in the article.

  • grace April 11, 2014, 5:35 am

    Hello, I am 24, he is 23. We have been with each other for 7 years since high school. My boy friend broke up with me three weeks ago. Things between us getting very well before the end of the new year of 2014. I have been working for 1 year and he would be graduate from college this year. One month ago, he went on some job interviews but all failed. He faced with the job, final thesis pressure. And I popped up the marriage issue, he said he was not ready for marriage and asked me to wait for him for another 5 years but I gave him 3 years top. He seriously asked me to find someone better and did not want to waste my youth. We had fight but settle later because I love him and I was willing to wait for him. His cellphone was broken and he said he would call me after his cellphone is repaired. Three weeks later, he suddenly broke up with me over message. He said he got no feelings for me and already fell in love with another women half year ago. He cancel all my sns, I text him and called him crazily ( which now I realized I was doing them all wrong), I finally asked him out, but all he said was he got no feelings for me, we are never getting back. And I was all tears. After all my begging, he said we could still be friends and he add me again on sns. When we left, I beg him for one last kiss, he kissed me and I was all tears. The first few days after we broke up, I still text him and he would reply. He said he was in low emotion. I felt him still care about me then I started telling him how much I love him and I can not live without him ( which now I also realize I was terribly doing wrong). He said thank you for my love but he has another girl friend now, we can not keep doing this. Then he started to ignore my message or rely me just sometimes. I have tried to contact him every two or three days. We both want to buy the XiaoMi smartphone that we had conversation again. But he still ignore me when I talked something caring about him. He got a job this week, but he had to work day and night and would be very business. I text him about the xiaomi smartphone, then he told me he went on another interview but failed, that he felt frustrated, tired and he lost his confidence. I encouraged him and reminded him how great he was he thank me. I text him again caring about his career he said he was very busy yesterday. And I told him to work hard and sent him no more message.

    Please give me some advice now, I felt so happy that he actually told me his feeling on his job. But it seems that he started to ignore me again. Not sure whether it is because he is too busy. What should I do now? Should I still apply the no contact rule? Or just text him and give him some encouragement every several days?

    • Kevin April 13, 2014, 8:43 am

      Apply no contact. Follow the plan.

  • Becka April 10, 2014, 11:28 pm

    Before ever reading this I had initiated a form of no contact.

    I’m 25 and so is my ex. We’ve known each other for 5 years from college. Lost touch about 2 1/2 years ago and began talking again about 8 months ago. He initiated contact and told me he had always been interested when we knew each other before. I also had been interested even before he was, but never said anything, so I was THRILLED. So we were pretty much immediately viewing each other romantically. Sadly it is long distance. Like 1500mile, Texas to Ohio, long distance. Plus, we are both deeply connected to our communities. I’m willing to move, but implied I didn’t want to for a year or two so I would be in a good position to sell my growing business. It would be a big financial sacrifice to move sooner than that. I had a plan on how to work all that out, but never shared that either, I tend to give more in relationships than the people I had dated, and wanted to see what he was willing to do to be with me.

    Anyways, one day, out of the blue, he told me he met a local girl last week who he wanted to get to know. HUGE Shock. He had mentioned briefly a few times how he was wrestling with the distance. Anyways… I exploded inside, but fought instinct. I told him simply, “Thank you for telling me, even though it hurt, and that I wanted the best for him and if the best was at his fingertips than go for it. ”
    I followed up about 4 hrs later with a message expressing how much respect I have for him as an individual and how I cared for him and had hoped we would have more of a future, but that I will put those feelings to rest. I gave him well wishes on the dreams he shared with me, a few tender thoughts and then told him simply goodbye. [no reply]

    I grieved and cried a few days and had no contact with him, and went on a date with another nice guy (no fireworks, but pleasant). But I remained facebook friends with my ex. 3 weeks later, he sends me a message concerning my latest post about my business growth, and that he was happy for me and wanted to learn more.

    I replied thanks, that I didn’t have time to talk (which was true) and kept it very brief.

    So I totally want to get back with him, and he is truly an amazing guy and that is saying something for the high standards I have. But have no idea where to go from here. I want him to prove to me he’s not going to bail when the distance is getting to him, or when a cute girl flirts with him (he is attractive). How does that happen?

    I don’t think I can be “just friends” emotionally. And don’t even want to try… I want to tell him that, but I’m guessing that’s risky. Cause I pretty much want all or nothing… I don’t want to be toyed with and left hanging as his back-up plan (as I have been in the past because I didn’t know any better)

    Any Advice???

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 10:00 am

      Becka, if you do end up getting back together, how long is the long distance going to last? Do you see each other living in the same town anytime in the future? Long distance relationships are hard but the only ones that survive are the ones where you know when the distance is going to end.

      As for him, I guess what you are doing right now is the best thing you can do. Kudos to you for handling the breakup so gracefully. I think you should let him contact you and let him realize on his own what he is missing.

  • Arthur Sun April 10, 2014, 11:08 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I wish I could had found your website earlier because i really think things would had been different by now. We were seeing each other for about 1 year and I was her first boyfriend.
    1. We broke up about 5 months ago and we were still in contact for about a month by texts, she texted me everyday something like “how are you?” or”what are you doing now?” Nothing special, lasted about a month and things started to go real bad.
    2. There was this one day I got drunk and I texted her the things I wasn’t suppose to say. Something like I was nice to you, and I felt like I was being used blah blah blah. And she was like I believed you and now I totally look down on you. I can tell she was mad and totally felt disappointed in me or what we had.
    3. We didnt contact until 2 months ago valentine’s day. I texted her my greetings and she wished me well. Then I asked if i can get my house keys back without meeting her and deliver by the doorman. (I was going away for business trip). She started to make all kinds of excuses like she’s busy or something, but from what I know she’s mostly home studying, doesn’t go out and she doesnt have friends to hang out with only chats on internet. I couldn’t think of a reason why she refuses to return my key especially I made it easy without meeting each other.
    4. Then she became so hostile and asked me to stop texting her, but I only texted her one time to ask my keys back politely. We ended up arguing and yeah I said some nasty things. And I told her that i want a closure, which is returning my keys and she shall never hear from my again. I asked her why dont you just block me from your whatsapp so you will never have to hear from me anymore. She never made any comments on that part but stood silence. And yeah that was the last time we contacted.
    5. I screwed up I understand and yes I still have feelings towards her and hoping one day I will get her back if things can be changed.
    My question is after hearing my situation. Do you still think its possible to get her back? If so..are there any ways to proceed with my situation?
    p.s. because as far as I know..the last couple times we contacted went pretty bad.

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:54 am

      Yes, you do have a chance. Just follow the plan. Apply no contact and get back in touch with her. What happened last time you contacted isn’t as bad as you think it is.

  • Drammond April 10, 2014, 10:42 pm

    My girlfriend and I dated for 3 years. I am 28, she is 24 and we broke up 1 month ago. She told me her feelings have changed and she feels she can no longer sustain a relationship with me. After the initial break up I had done all the needy and desperate things and talked to her a couple days after. She was not angry but would cry and just say its how she feels she cant help it but she loves me and she just cant change how she feels inside. We didnt talk for about week after that then I contacted her again to try “convince her” things would change. She still said she doesnt want to try anymore and shes just not as attracted to me as she used to be. We didnt talk for another week and we ran into eachother didnt talk just said hi but the next day I contacted her again and tried to convince her again, again she said the same thing and I can feel her getting annoyed with me. Another week went buy and I contacted her again. This time tried to be even more convincing and telling her how I loved her and explaining the dynamics of long term relationship. It got to the point where she said please stop, I care about you I dont want this to get to place where I am annoyed that your contacting me. She was never rude or ever cursed at me or was nasty in way. She just kept saying how much she cares for me but for her the relationship is done because things for her are different and feel different and shes focusing on her happines as should I. I am an attractive guy, I have never had any problems getting woman. I have great confidence and believe in my abilities to move on, but I don’t want to. The only reason I was desperate and needy is because the two of us always communicated and were very sensitive to each others emotions until she seemingly just went cold on me and I bugged out. I kept telling her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her I even mentioned I thought of taking the next step with her. She was very emotional thruogh out everything I said to her. I kept trying to convince her and she began to pick and choose what she wanted to respond to. Until eventually I said, if not being with me is what will make you happy then Ill give you your space because I respect you and your feelings. She responded telling me she appreciated that I can say that and respects me and my feelings as well but space is what she needs right now…now we are in no contact as of today. Because I was needy and clingy and desperate for almost a month on and off I feel I have pushed her away too far. She seems exhausted with it all but doesnt want to just ignore me. I feel since ive contacted her so many times trying to speak to her logically instead of her emotional sense its made it even easier for her transition away from me. I usually have a beat on how she is feeling and if she is thinking about me. After contacting her so many times and asking for another chance I really don’t think she is feeling that sad about the break up anymore and she. I dont get that sense that shes thinking about me, and if she is its not that missing feeling of wanting to be around someone. Do you think there’s a chance she will still miss me after 28 days of on and off “talks”? And if there is chance of getting her to be attracted to me again after no contact?

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:52 am

      Yes, there is a chance. Just stop being needy and follow the plan.

  • Andy April 10, 2014, 9:02 pm

    My ex dumped me last week because she said “I love you but im not inlove with you anymore.” We’ve been together for 16 months. She is from another country and im from America. she comes to visit here for 3 months then goes back to her country. She is still in America now but has been living with her friend til she gets back to uk on may. 4. last time she was here was JUNE TO SEPTEMBER 2013. she caught me texting another girl few days before she left. she almost broke up with me but ended up taking me back. she then went back to uk and stayed there for 5months and went back here to America last Feb.2014. during that separation period she told me her love for me has faded cause of the cheating, lack of effort on communicating with her, lack of initiative, basically I was a lousy bf. but still she decided to come back here and see if things can be fixed. so she got back February and stayed with me for a month. everything seemed ok, then she finally showed signs of being aloof. and that’s when I asked is there something wrong. that’s when she said she needed space and wanted to think about if she still wants to be with me. so she left the apartment and spend her time alone. she came back after a week and tells me that its over. she said that theres no way that she can love me the way that she has loved me before. and there is no absolute possibility of getting back together. she was very firm and decided. of course I did the classic mistakes you mentioned on here and I made myself look desperate and needy. obviously it didn’t work to text and beg and surprise her with flowers. so now im gonna try the no contact rule for 30 days. but then If do the 30days no contact, by that time shes gonna be in uk already. do you think I should still do 30 day no contact and is there still hope to save this? thanks.

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:42 am

      Yes, you should. Trying to get her back before she leaves for UK is again going to make you look needy.

  • Sarahh April 10, 2014, 8:53 pm

    Hi Kevin :) My situation is very confusing. My ex broke up with me in a rage 5 days ago. I was living at his house (only dated 2 months) and he had called and seemed upset about something. I ended up calling back 5 minutes later saying honey is something wrong you sound upset? and he responded in swearing and saying its over that I can’t allow him to have mood swings and I don’t “get” his personality. He then texted me leave his house, and leave him alone. I was in shock. I went back that night and we ended up sleeping together and him saying sorry and that he wanted to work things out, and asked if I did too. I said yes. The next day he called at noon, I asked if he still wanted to work things out and if we were seeing each other later and he responded yes and yes that he meant it. A couple hours later I got a text saying he needed to be alone and doesn’t want to get back together. He came over that night just outside my house to give me closure saying he loves me as a person, that in his mind I am perfect but he needs to find himself and he feels he isn’t in love with me anymore. It has been hard for me to stop contact and I didn’t for the first 5 days- I did not text him or call him often but I would at least once per day. I went over the other night he welcomed me in with open arms- asked why I was there. I said I don’t know I just felt like coming, and he hugged me kissed my forehead said he loved me as a person and that he cares for me so much and how pretty I looked. I told him I was glad we broke up. Then he asked me to sleep over which I was reluctant but ended up doing because I really do love him and I hadn’t been sleeping without him. We made love and he kept saying how much he loves how I smell and how beautiful I am and was a little jealous kept asking if I had gone on dates with other men. He couldn’t keep his hands off me or stop kissing or cuddling me after. Then the next morning we joked around a bit and he said it was so confusing and I was messing with his mind however that night I never said I loved him or wanted him in any way. I texted him that morning saying I was sorry for messing with his mind I didn’t mean to hurt him and that he was different than I thought and I was happy for the break up he responded “Whatever”. I ended up going crazy later that day because I have never slept with an ex before- its confusing and devastating- I thought we’d get back together, so I kept calling and he told me to leave him alone and eff off he needed to think and be alone. As of now I have told him again that I am glad we broke up and that it is good we have broken up. I wished him well and he wished me well back. Now I am completely ignoring him and I will just wait until he messages me . Do you think he will? I don’t understand his actions, to my face he is so loving but then texts me to eff off and cuts our phone conversations after a few minutes. He still answers everything though. I will not contact him again but I am struggling. Please respond I am worried the no contact will not work and that he really is done forever.

    I forgot to explain our relationship before the day we broke up. He called me at least 5x a day to talk when he was working. He would text first almost always and I’d mostly let him call first. He did all the chasing. He wanted babies and a house together and kept telling me I was the one- but I never brought those things up. He had chased me for so long before we dated – I had turned him down 10 x!! Finally I gave in and he began telling me he loved me . I took my time with that as well. He was so eager to meet my whole family and for me to meet his. We were inseparable. A few days before the breakup things felt different- still loving but not as crazy in love as usual. Very strange but I thought it was just because he was away on work and tired. We never fought and from what I could see our relationship was what dreams are made of. I have never been so cared for by a man and never felt so loved for everything that I am. And I loved him with everything I had he was my honey and it doesn’t seem like we were together long but constant contact and talking (sometimes 10 hours on the phone a day!!) plus seeing each other at night and knowing each other for a while before that seemed like the pace we were moving was right.

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:39 am

      There is a good chance he will contact you after a while. Even if he does contact you, tell him you need time and space. Continue no contact for another 30 days, and if you want him back still, get back in touch.

  • jessica April 10, 2014, 7:57 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I liked your article and wanted to see if it fit my situation. I broke up with my ex because he is not in the same place as I am with career, marriage and kids so I broke up as we just can’t ever get on the same page. We have so much in common and have fun together, but I’m just in a different place in my life as he. He’s not ready to commit to all the things that I want and doesn’t make much effort. He’d like for us to stay together, but I don’t want to wait around for him for these things. Who knows when he’ll start thinking about these things. Not sure if not talking to him 30+days will bring him back and want the same things I do.

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:27 am

      No contact will not necessarily change where he is at in his life. There is a slight chance that it might give him the push he needs if he is already on the fence about these things. But don’t keep your hopes up.

  • Jake April 10, 2014, 7:15 pm

    My ex broke up with me last month after a year and 8 months. She had a rebound relationship but came back to me. Then after about a week she left me again. After a couple days she came back again, then left again. We hangout sometimes and it’s like we’re the perfect couple and it’s like an intense magical feeling. But then after a couple days she leaves and leaves me wondering why. She tells me she loves me but then asks for space. I don’t know what to do. Can you give me some advice? Thanks.

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:25 am

      Next time she comes back, play it cool and don’t get back with her immediately. Tell her you need some time and space. Apply no contact immediately.

  • Justine April 10, 2014, 6:25 pm

    I’ve been reading your articles as they are helping to know other people are going through similar situations. I would really like and value your take please – I dated my now ex for a year and four months. He was my best friend – we were going to move in together and talked of marriage and children (I am 41 and he is 38). We had some problems in December – he told me he had a “wall” up and wasn’t able to feel or express himself as he should be by now ie. saying he loves me (although he said he loved me – I get the feeling he meant in love)and so we took a short break so he could figure things out. That didn’t last long and within a week we were back together, he said he was going to go to a therapist and sort himself out to make us better.

    Mid February I just was feeling like we were at a plateau – no more talks really about moving in together and frankly we weren’t really doing anything that fun together – it was kind of boring. He was never the most affectionate guy and that always bothered me – like snuggling and holding hands – so I eventually just got frustrated. We had a talk about it that I initiated and it came out that he still had unresolved “wall” issues. So we took another break.

    About a little over a week later he asked me to dinner on a saturday night – just to tell me again that he still had this wall feeling and loved me and did ask if i would wait for him to resolve it. But I instantly just felt so awful that I said I couldn’t wait and that if he wanted to break up with me he should just say it himself. So he did.

    I was devastated – crying hysterical – and did contact him after because I felt like I was hit by a truck. I never imagined we would break up as that time apart he sent me roses for valentines saying I meant the world to him and was texting how much he missed me. In the post breakup texts that I initiated he told me he missed me more than words could say and as time went on he was feeling things he didnt know he could feel for me.

    Bottom line – I never let him go for a month – I always pushed for answers and was hoping for a reconciliation and all the while he was leading me to believe he missed me too and gave me hope. He finally asked to get together – so we did twice – a Sunday night (nothing substantive was said) and then he asked for the next weekend – so we got together last Sat night for dinner – we had a lot of fun – and after I initiated a discussion and basically he said he was in the same place. (I asked him if he was dating anyone before we went to dinner and he said no.) But I had an opportunity to snoop his phone (which is very immature I know) and saw that even while at dinner with me he was texting another woman. He was with her the night before (and that morning in his bed) and was seeing her on Sunday. PS – I have come to find out she is 28, works with him and from her background I can tell that it wouldn’t go anywhere serious without strong issues from his family. I confronted him – we had a big argument and he said he just started seeing her and that I too had told him I had been on dates. Bottom line – I told him I loved him and he was leading me on with all this I miss you stuff and think of you all the time stuff – yet he apparently had no intention of getting back together now and also denied he was leading me on by saying those things.

    End of a long story – night ended with me crying and him telling me I was his best friend but he was having a hard time feeling more and that he was so conflicted about us. I finally told him to please not
    contact me unless he had something substantive to say and that I wouldn’t contact him either.

    It’s been 11 days – this is the longest we have ever gone. I have heard nothing – I can’t stop thinking about him and have no idea how I will replace him. Am I completely wasting my time by thinking not contacting him will make him realize what he has lost or is this a waste of time?

    Thank you so much for your time

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:24 am

      Even if it does make him realize what he has lost, it will not necessarily fix his issues. He will still have them even if he gets back together with you and you will eventually break up again.

      • Justine April 12, 2014, 5:48 pm

        Thanks for your reply Kevin – I know his issues will still exist as they were the crux of our demise. I can’t help but take it personally – even though he says how i’m “everything” – and frankly, i am a good catch – dr, own practice, thin, in shape, fun and outgoing… I miss him so much and just wonder if you know of similar situations where it has turned and worked out? Thank you

        • Kevin April 14, 2014, 11:38 am

          Well, every situation is different in it’s own way. And I have seen a lot of guys with commitment issues getting back together after a while. But your case is different with the “emotional wall”. I have had a couple of people with similar issues but they never followed up with me so I have no way of knowing if it did work out for them. I also have a testimonials page here if you are interested.

  • Rachel April 10, 2014, 5:16 pm

    Was in a “pseudo-relationship” for 6 years. He always said he did not want a commitment. I thought I could deal with that, but I fell for him anyway and stuck around waiting for the day he’d change his mind. He finally did after some very rough transitional months; but he chose his other “pseudo-girlfriend” who’s been waiting for him twice as long. It’s been a month since he told me; and I still love him. I’ve made my “mistakes” and am now working on the ‘no contact’ rule. We don’t text much, but we have our moments when we will chat via text for hours, then one of us just disappears. (Usually him.) I know I need the time, I’m wondering, given the circumstances of our relationship ~ never really all that it could have been ~ should I even look to reconnect after a couple of months of silence? He’s told me he felt she was a better match for him because she was settled and more financially stable than me. He believes she will push him and help him become successful; but when I ask him if he’s sure, he doesn’t respond. One of my mistakes was to invite him on a ‘final-let’s-end-on-a-cool-note’ trip; he said if it had have been anyone else, he would decline, but because it was me, he would love to go. I asked several time if he was sure; every time he said absolutely. He’s not sure about his choice, but he feels he has to stick with his decision since it’s been made. Other than going silent, I am not sure what to do to reframe this situation. I love him, and I am trying not to be too prideful, but, other than wondering how to get him to change his mind, a part of me is wondering is it even worth it for someone who doesn’t seem to believe your good enough? What do you think?

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:14 am

      It’s only for you to decide. That’s what the no contact period is for. You have to answer that question yourself. If you want to know what I think, my answer is “absolutely not”.

  • Amy April 10, 2014, 4:44 pm

    Hi! Ok, so this is complicated. I don’t think my ex and I are very typical. Basically we moved in together right from the beginning and were a couple for 1 year and 3 months. A couple months before she ended it, things were getting a little rocky, but we seriously never would argue or fight before that. We had complete lack of space during our whole relationship, but didn’t realize it until it caught up with us. We were insanely crazy about each other for at least 12 months, but later we got too comfortable and stopped taking care of our relationship. I know now that’s what I did anyways, but never stopped loving her. We just started drifting through it. So a couple months ago, she said she needed a break for space and thought she should move out. I freaked, of course, but eventually told her I supported her, especially when she said break not break up. Then we’d argue and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to work on our relationship. She just wanted space. We would go back and forth, letting our emotions get the best of us. So she moved in with a friend and twice we had two bad text arguments, no holds barred. It wasn’t until that last one that it hit me between the eyes. She didn’t just give up; I screwed up big time towards the end of our relationship and reacted out of fear. She had to stop by yesterday to give me something after not seeing each other for 6 weeks and I sat her down and told her what I realized and accepted and genuinely apologized for what I did wrong. I explained that anything mean I said over texts was completely fueled by emotion and she agreed. I told her how I’ve learned from my mistakes and hope one day maybe she’ll be ready to try again. The thing is, she told me she really didn’t want to come see me that night (anxiety), and she wouldn’t even give me a hug after my apology. I would send her a text picture every now and then and tell her it reminded me of her, but it would just get ignored. I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her. She told me when I did those little things; it would just stab her heart. I know for her and I this will be a slow process. She is currently experiencing a low in life and feels SOOO unstable. She says she’s tired of always getting shit on and is still trying to get over other hurts in her past. I guess what I’m afraid of is that she said she forgives me for what I did, but she’s just covering and will hold on to my mistakes forever. Not that I was the only problem in our relationship.. She said she can’t be around me, can’t talk to me, basically wants complete isolation, and says it’s going to take her a long time. Basically, I have no choice but to start your no contact plan and now I see how that’s the best thing to do, but after a couple months of intense emotional exhaustion between us, do you think time could still pull her back? It seems right now; she can only remember the last 3 months of knowing me and can’t connect with the first wonderful 14 months of knowing each other. Time? Another thing to add is she is moving an hour away for college in 4 months, but we have experience long distance together before. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I hope this all made sense! haha

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:11 am

      Hey,

      I do think no contact will benefit you, even after 3 months of emotional exhaustion. In fact, I think no contact is the only thing that can increase your chances of getting back together at this point.

  • jordan April 10, 2014, 4:28 pm

    hey kevin

    I have subscribed but have had nothing about what to write in this letter i am confused should i right how i feel about her with the apology and do i list the things i am sorry for and just say sorry.

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:07 am

      You get the sample letter in the 10th email. You should keep the apology as short as possible. Apologizing too much makes you look needy.

  • Paul April 10, 2014, 3:41 pm

    We met in September, started as professional colleagues, we then became personal friends and it developed into a love affair.

    It was everything we didn’t get from our partners; exciting, loving, there was chemistry, attraction and it was compassionate. We grew close as a result and started to lust for one another, it became rather intense and when we started to develop feelings of love for one another we began to realise that we had to leave our partners. Id like to emphasise that there was no physical affair, only an emotional one, we simply couldn’t do that to them. It was a massive step and during this period things got quite serious between us, this in turn camouflaged the realities of what we were doing and we pushed forward blinded by love, lust and passion.
    I called off the engagement and sent my girlfriend home breaking her heart, and my lover moved out of their shared home and called off their engagement also, he too was distraught. Over the next few months we grew very close as a couple, really close, the relationship developed and we saw each other as much as possible and got on so well, but this too continued to bury the natural grieving process that would normally occur after a breakup of this scale.

    Then, due to the way in which we started our relationship, cracks began to occur. She started feeling increasingly guilty over what she had done to her ex boyfriend and was starting to admit that she wasn’t over the break up, and I developed trust issues toward her because of the lies which facilitated the affair and seeing she wasn’t over her ex boyfriend.
    Time after time we spoke about taking a break to get to grips with our feelings and create some space to grieve over the people we had hurt, but time after time we failed, we simply couldn’t bear to be apart from each other for periods longer than three days. But as time went on, her guilt developed into something she could no longer ignore and this coincided with my trust issues, where on a few occasions I had openly not trusted her and questioned what she was saying. Both characteristics we were displaying were perfectly natural given our journey but one day it came to a head and I pushed the decision to give each other space.

    It has been three weeks now, we have spoken occasionally, sometimes I have been needy and other times it has been like before, free and loving, we even spent the night together a week ago and it was amazing for both of us, she called and text me saying she is still in love with me and then it went back to the space, by now she had chosen her route of action and wasn’t deviating. But, today we met accidentally at work and we went for dinner, whilst dinner i was asking her to let me in and be there for her to help her. This is 80% true, I do want to be there for her through this, but the other 20% was trying to get back what we had. We kissed and held hands but she wasnt wholly there, she was visibly holding back.

    I made this break to give her the space and time we thought we needed to deal with the guilt and grief over our ex’s and sell the houses and obvious fallout, now i am scared that i may lose her forever. The love we have shared has been amazing, we were best friends and care deeply for each other and we sacrificed everything to be together.

    Please help me, what should I do?

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:03 am

      I think you are doing the right thing. The fear of losing her forever seems rational, but it’s not. You can lose her forever if you stay with her 24/7. Continue doing what you’ve been doing. Don’t try to convince her to get back together for at least another two months.

  • Robert April 10, 2014, 3:28 pm

    Kevin,

    I forgot to mention. Not only has she been downplaying dating the guy she’s seeing casually, she has repeatedly ignored my questions about her dating, told me she wasn’t, or that she wasn’t with him when I found out she was. What does this mean?

    Also, if we didn’t leave our last text on a positive note, what can I say in a last text to her that would give me control and essentially make her fear losing me forever. Is there a good way to write a “last text before no contact?”

    Thank you,

    Robert

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 8:52 am

      It just means she is still interested in you. Like I said, start no contact without telling her. If she contacts you, then tell her you need space and time right now to deal with the breakup.

  • Liz April 10, 2014, 2:00 pm

    We dated just shy of three months. I soon realized that he is emotionally detached. He kind of hinted that on our first date when he said an ex said he acted like he really didn’t care for her. I am not sure how this derived in his life. He would say all the right things, that I am an amazing woman and just six weeks dating wanted us to be exclusive, but his actions did not match. For example he would go three to four days without calling, rarely made dates (it was football season – ha!), and he made me feel as if I was a nuisance on those rare times I called or texted him (again–football, or work so he said). He also never wanted me to see his home, saying mine was so much better. I just stopped trusting and feeling comfortable with him. I ended it via text — I know, shameful. He texted back, “OK” and said for me to have fun on my upcoming trip. I didn’t respond and went into immediate NO CONTACT. I do miss him, and neither of us have contacted each other for three months. I feel like I should have shared how I feel more instead of breaking up, but I also feel there are some emotional elements he needs to work on — that is if he ever does. Your thoughts, please?

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 8:46 am

      Get back in touch with him. You really have nothing to lose at this point. Worst case scenario, you will realize he is not interested anymore. At least, you will get closure.

  • Jay April 10, 2014, 1:20 pm

    Hey so me and my girlfriend recently broke up. She said she didn’t see me in her future. But she also said that I was mean and in responsible. Truth is and I told her this was I was so stressed about my job because I was working on getting a promotion that opened up for a manager. I got about 2 weeks before we broke up. Now I’m stress less but she’s still not willing to get back with me. I’ve known her for 4 years and we were best friends prior to dating. But after we broke up we were still friends, best friends. So I saw your no contact rule an I thought to myself how can I do this without hurting outlets friendship as well as my chances I get back with her. I’m really hurt over the break up but I also feel like it changed me to be a better man. What should I do! Please help:)

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 8:44 am

      Tell her you need space and time to deal with the breakup. If she is really your friend, she will understand.

      • Jay again April 12, 2014, 10:16 am

        Sorry for this but it wouldn’t let me reply, But how would I go upon getting her back? The thing is we still talk and hang out all the time and say I love you and kiss on the cheek. And when we hug I still feel the romance between us. I hung out with her yesterday when she was on break cause she told me to stop by. I told her I was way less stressful and a happier person because I contacted a therapeist. She said she glad and happy to hear that. Then I had to tell her how I still felt cause I couldn’t keep it inside anymore. I asked her if maybe we could have a second chance an she said not now but well see. Then I’m currently hanging out with her now and she brought something up and said now were probably not getting back together. I’m getting a lot of mixed feelings from her and don’t know what to do. Any ideas ?

      • Jay April 14, 2014, 12:39 am

        So I just hit a breakthrough today. So before we broke up I invited her to a family party I had. Well the whole car ride there she cuddled with me out of nowhere, then we went on a walk and she held my hand. Then durning the party outta nowhere she pulled me aside and started making out with me. Then she brought up something about our break up and started yelling at me. Then said ” I was planning on getting back with you but now I’m not” but then we talked and she became happier, we kissed again the the carried back we cuddled again. Then I went back to her house and chilled with her. We decided to play truth or dare an I thought of a plan to get her back a good way. So she asked me and I purposely chose dare, then I asked her if I could dare her to do something when I thought of one, then we continued to play for fun. As I was about to leave we hugged and kissed and she said she loved and missed me and that she was sorry for kissing me because she said that she just misse me a lot and that it was hard. So she was about to walk to the door then I grabbed her arm and said, ” I thought of a dare for you, I dare you to give me one final chance to prove to you I’m the man you want to be with and that I’m still the man you fell in love with” she said ” no, not right now.” Then went inside. So then I got home an I texted her asking her what that ment. And all she said was ” you overthink things more then I do. Goodnight Jasun ;)” I am so confused idk what to do. Please reply fast!

        • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:54 pm

          Jay, you should take things slowly. She was warming up to you and getting close to you, but you showed neediness and desperation. I think you should wait another week before getting back in touch and this time, don’t let her know that you want to get back. Don’t try any other romantic gestures. Just have fun and let it be her idea to get back together.

          • Jay April 15, 2014, 12:31 am

            And today she told me she woke and up realized how much she misses being with me. What should I do now

          • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:19 am

            This doesn’t change anything. Still follow the plan.

          • Jay April 15, 2014, 5:04 pm

            Well we have a rave to go to on Thursday and I may be staying the night at her house. I don’t wanna cancel third plans so should I wait till Friday to cut off communication for a week?

          • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:52 am

            In that case, it’ll depend on she reacts when you meet. If she is cold, then cut communication for a week. If not, then don’t.

          • Jay April 16, 2014, 9:23 am

            We’ll last night I cut off communication and applied no contact. I told her how I felt and us kissing an stuff is just putting me in a bad state and I needed time. I even canceled going to the concert with her to show her I’m serious about this and that I’m no longer gonna be walked on.

          • Kevin April 17, 2014, 9:55 am

            Even though it’s not what I advised, if you think that was for the best, then you did the right thing. You need to put yourself before everything else.

  • sasweetheart April 10, 2014, 12:40 pm

    Kevin, I am going through a break up but we still live together and we will for at least another 30 days before our lease is up. I want things to work out … is there anything I can still do during this time to make things better for us so we don’t break up. He says he still loves me but just lost the spark.

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 8:36 am

      Don’t act needy and don’t try to convince him to get back together. Chances are, you won’t get back together during these 30 days, so don’t try to push it. When you move out, follow the plan.

  • Josh April 10, 2014, 12:11 pm

    Hey,
    I need help I’m 17 and I’ve been in a serious relationship for about 2 years now and two weeks ago me and my girlfriend broke up. We had a huge argument because I was angry because of the death of my grandfather. I said pretty horrible things and then she ended it, I do not recognise the person who wrote that and I feel pretty bad for what I have done. She said that her feelings are confused and she doesn’t know what she wants, I understand that exams are soon but I can’t cope with losing two people I care about. We have been in contact since the break up and we have met on several occasions and it seems fine but I am getting mixed signals with her pulling me close to her one minute and then pushing me away the next and I’m getting confused. I want to give her space but when I do she always asks to see me and I can never seem to say no. I have read the article and I have done those things in step 1 but I can’t help it. I need advice on what I should do, would you be able to help? Much appreciated, josh

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 8:35 am

      Follow the plan.

  • Tan April 10, 2014, 11:02 am

    Hi Kevin, it’s been 3 months since the breakup. Have been in touch only once a month so far but mostly I’m the one who’s initiating only to be reciprocated by 1 reply or so. Passed the painting to his sister last month but did not initiate contact with him. Not sure if he knew the painting existed. Anyway I contacted him last thursday via whatsapp congratulating him of his achievement (he posted it on fb) and although he just replied thanks, I tried to ask further details of how he did it so he can talk more. True enough he did but I tried to keep the conversation short but with lots of happiness for him and eventually when he replied with yup, I didn’t reply anymore. Because in the past, if he’s the one ending the convo, he would often chase again. But I know the situation now, so I didn’t expect him to chase and when he didn’t, I wasn’t disappointed. Tomorrow is his sister’s birthday and so last night, I reminded him that it’s his sister’s birthday in 2 days. He just said yup no worries he know. I said okay! :) and he didn’t reply anymore. I admit I felt rather down but after sleeping through a night, I got over it. I know he haven’t see the positive change in me, that’s why the indifference. It’s okay. He will see it in due time when we meet again next month. I believe not seeing for almost 4 months would let him see how different I am.

    I know we’re meant to be together and so I will let go of the fear of losing him forever. Fear is just an illusion. As long as I’m working on making new changes on myself, have that unwavering faith that we’re meant to be, I believe I will release a positive energy that can attract him back. :)

    • Kevin April 11, 2014, 12:58 pm

      He seems cold Tan. I hope things work out for you. I’ll also recommend that you try going out on a few dates before meeting him next month.

      • Tan April 13, 2014, 5:02 am

        For once he contacted me! But it’s to dissolve the flat that we bought together because he’s worried about the interest accumulating. I guess I have no choice but to go along with it. Tried delaying it previously because I feel we’ll still get back together again. But I know on his end, he may not think so. He said this is like a thorn that’s bothering him. Sighs. I try not to think too much because at least we’re talking. But somehow I don’t feel especially down because somehow I really feel that he’ll realize I’m still the one who’s suitable for him. I don’t wish to hurry things so I’ll just let go of what’s happening now, move on and let things unfold itself. I’m tired of thinking what cards I should play in order to get him back. I feel it’s not letting nature take its own course.

        • Tan April 14, 2014, 9:19 pm

          Should I initiate contact to meet him to cut off all ties instead of waiting and checking my phone to see when he’s gonna text me? I’m tired of the jittery feeling when what he texts is something negative which I don’t want to see. I have a feeling things might change when we meet up because that’s when we truly get to “start over”. The vision that he would have a heavy heart when he sees my reluctance to sign the papers and wants to start over kept replaying in my mind. I don’t know what to do now.

          • Kevin April 15, 2014, 11:01 am

            If you think it’ll help you feel better, do it. If you can somehow make yourself stop waiting for his text, it would be better. But if you can’t help yourself, go ahead and do it.

  • lance April 10, 2014, 10:38 am

    Hi Kevin!
    My girlfriend of over 1 year and 6 months wants to break up with me. She told me she wanted to be be independent because she was so dependent to me BUT she told me that she still very much loves me. She also told me that one of the reasons for her to break up with me is she wanted love to find a way. If she breaks up with me then loves connects back together then i am the one for her but if it wont then its not meant to be. Please im so confused i need to help on what to do in this situation.

    will she still comeback to me? or is this a hopeless cause?
    should i apply the no contact rule? whats going to happen if i do?

    • Kevin April 11, 2014, 12:54 pm

      Yes, apply no contact. I’ll recommend that you do it for at least 6 months. Let her experience her life and contact her after that. I assume she is young and if you convince her to get back together, she will always have it at the back of her mind and she will never be 100% committed to you.

  • Taylor April 10, 2014, 10:11 am

    My ex boyfriend moved his ex girlfriend in 2 weeks after we broke up but swears he loves me and just did it to get over me. I have finished my 30 day no contact period but they still live together. is it disrespectful to end him a letter or text?

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 10:12 am

      No it’s not. Contact him.

  • David April 10, 2014, 7:08 am

    My ex and I broke up in mid January although we still had contact up til about a month ago through text and then a week ago from another text from me. We dated for about 2 years and the last year was on and off for several reasons. She moved for one and then also I kept breaking up with her here and there for different reasons. As recently as this past xmas and new years we were together. She suspected I cheated on her bc she saw a facebook post that I was skiing with some girl. The girl turns out is married with children and a co worker. I was skiing with her although we were in a big group and I DID NOT cheat. Anyhow my ex wouldnt hear it. She was so mad and said DO NOT ever contact me again im done. She said no cards flowers no nothing. DO NOT CONTACT me…we are never getting back together again. She was really angry. Again, I did not cheat on her and I expressed that and we had some closure through text about a month ago. Is it still possible to get her back? Also, we technically broke up in Jan although we had the closure text about a month ago and then I broke down last week and sent a text saying I hope your doing well type of thing. So I was thinking contact her in about 60+ days when summer begins. We are both teachers. Thoughts?

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 10:05 am

      Yes, contacting her after 60 days is a good idea. Although, I want you to think hard if you want to get back with her during this time. Do you really want someone who would break up with you just because you were skiing with a girl? Don’t you want someone whom you can trust and who trusts you enough to at least talk about it before breaking up with you?

      • Dave April 10, 2014, 10:53 am

        Thank u for getting back. It was a lot more than just the ski trip. That was the last straw. I had messed up a ton before and she gave me countless chances. Anyhow she left it very angry. Said we are never getting back together. What should I do? I think she was just angry bc I was dishonest. I know 100% I want her back just don’t think she will even take a text from me. She lives 5 hours from me now too. What should I do and do u think there is a chance even though she said never. Thoughts?

        • Kevin April 11, 2014, 12:56 pm

          There is definitely a chance. In that case, just follow the plan and send her the letter.

  • Rida April 10, 2014, 6:21 am

    Hey kevin!
    A week a go i posted about my story and u told me to follow the no contact rule!
    I started following it nd just after 3 days my ex msgd me saying that he was missing me!i couldnt stop myself nd so i repplied!
    He came back to me but im sure that he is still in a relationship and he is hiding it from! I ask him everyday to tell me the truth i even told him that i will give him some time if he tells me the truth but unfortunately he is not telling me!
    I dont know now what to do!
    I am helpless
    I need your help
    Please suggest what should i do?

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:59 am

      Tell him you need some space and time right now and start no contact again. This time, keep it for 30 days.

      • Rida April 10, 2014, 6:03 pm

        But why should i continue with the no contact if he came back to me?
        Plz plan something
        I just cant continue the no contact period because i have developed a fear of losing him!
        Plzzz suggest me something else like a plan

        • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:19 am

          Well Rida,

          He did come back, but he is not 100% committed to you. He is still treating you like a doormat and he is not even ready to speak to you about things that are important to you. In my opinion, you took him back in a heartbeat without thinking twice about whether or not it was the right decision for you. You took him back without explaining him what you expect from him and what will be unacceptable for you.

          If you want to get him to commit to you, respect you, and treat you like you deserve to be treated, you should apply no contact. Tell him you need space and time and you can’t stay with him unless he is committed to making the relationship work.

          The first time you did no contact, he came back in 3 days. So don’t be afraid of no contact.

          • Rida April 12, 2014, 9:51 am

            Ok ill try!
            Thanks a lot!:)

  • Dave April 10, 2014, 6:02 am

    Im in the no contact stage for about a week now. I usually send my ex’s parents cards on all holidays. Should I NOT send one for Easter as part of the no contact?

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:58 am

      I don’t think sending a card to her parents is breaking no contact.

      • Dave April 10, 2014, 11:02 am

        Thanks. She did say back in January no cards flowers or anything. Don’t contact my family or friends. On the fence about the card.

        • Kevin April 11, 2014, 12:59 pm

          Then skip it. Were you on good terms with her parents before you met her? If not, then it won’t be rude if you don’t send them a card this time.

  • Unsure April 10, 2014, 5:03 am

    Hi Kelvin,
    Firstly, thank you for this article. It has given me a better perspective of things.

    My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for nearly 3 years now (He’s 34 and I’m 23 but we get along well). Things have been great for us with minimal communication problems. We’ve always managed to overcome the obstacles together until a couple of months back, he started to become distracted. When prompted, he told me it was a mix between being confused with his career (lack of passion with his current job and wanting to explore something different) and his lost of passion towards me. He became unsure of our relationship.

    It came to me as a huge surprise as we’ve always been loving and understanding towards each other. I could only suggest time away from each other and hopefully we would pull through it like we always do. We both agreed on it. I’ve never been the needy type of girlfriend but I later that day, I made the mistake of trying to convince him to change his mind by texting him and meeting up with him the following day.

    Finally, we came to a decision that we definitely needed space but he suggested to meet up once every 2-3 weeks to do something fun and interesting together (i suppose, since every other aspects of our relationship is fine, except the lack of passion).

    It’s been 1.5 weeks since we had ‘no contact’. After reading this article, I’ll like to hear your advice if I should follow the ‘ 30 days no contact’ rule or go with the flow with him but play it cool. I’m confused.

    What to you think?

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:56 am

      Let him initiate contact. If he doesn’t keep no contact for 2 months then get back in touch.

  • neha April 10, 2014, 4:29 am

    Hello,
    I never follow this no contact rule in my 5 years relationship, but he wants to move and want to search other options he told “you are the first girl of my life i want few days of my freedom and want to go on date with different girls”. I felt bad and want him to realist that what he wants is not correct that is why i stop talking.(in past also so many time i accepted his senseless stories to save our relation but this time i could not allow him to go out with girls and stay alone,without me) .

    i stop talking him on 21th Feb after a fight. from 28th Feb he started mailing me that he is missing me and i am his critical part and all but on 4th April he mail me that after 6 to 8 months we will get married but by that time you concentrate on your study.(actually again the same thing he wants in this 6-8 months period of time he want to go with girls) i reply him good bye mail.

    To realize him i am also a person and i also get angry. In our relation always he alone can not take all decision. he should ask me what i want.

    am i doing right thing to relies him that i am also have my own opinions.

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:54 am

      Yes, you are. Tell him you need space and time and there are no guarantees that you will wait for him during that 6-8 months. You also have the right to see and date other guys.

      • neha April 10, 2014, 1:11 pm

        Hi Kevin,

        First of all thanks to give your time to understand my problem and your reply.

        Hay i know he loves me a lot and never tells a lie to me. I just want to make him realize that he is doing wrong. he is bit slow in every thing that is why may be this no contact rule will take some extra time, its almost 50 days no contact and i have not replied any of his mail, only good bye mail i sent as i told.
        actually i am bit concern about this no contact rule. Is there any chance of negative affect. (our promises “ego, miss-understanding, miss communication will never come in our relationship” affect because of this no contact rule).

        • neha April 11, 2014, 9:38 am

          my and his age is 30 and we are together for last 5 years.

        • Kevin April 12, 2014, 8:43 am

          There is of course a risk with no contact, but it’s very little. I think you already have miscommunication issues since you are not able to talk to him about how you feel about his decision. He is keeping you as a backup for this 6-8 months while he dates other girls. That’s a bigger issue than everything else you mentioned. Like I said you should do no contact and even go on a few dates during this time.

          • neha April 12, 2014, 9:25 am

            Thanks a lot to motivate me in this condition, really you are doing very good job.
            I cross my finger and continue for no-contact.

  • Kaykay April 10, 2014, 2:31 am

    Do you think your plan is full proof if I want to get an ex back that moved on if it’s in the worst case scenario? Some neediness, telling him ily but he doesn’t want to talk to me actually said leave me alone.
    I’ve also been wondering because you have the no contact period that can take quite some time depending on what the person works on within themselves but I don’t know how to approach him otherwise and I know his birthday is about 6 months away do you think that’s too much time to wait because I know the casual happy birthday can be a conversation starter right? Otherwise what should I try? I really don’t want him to get in too deep with this new girl and I know his friends/her siblings will continue to push them together no matter what and it’s bothering me so much now but I know he does in fact care just so much happened between us that I actually do think time apart where we don’t talk could possibly make our bond stronger and allow him to see his great we really are together and how good I am for him, am I wrong? Is it worth it? Should I just give up?

    I’ve had connections with guys before but nothing like this one and I know I did some pretty mean things to him (as he did me) but like he once said I just think we would work so well together and if not at least we can say we tried ya know? He even just said he never really loved me but I feel like after a certain age you actually do feel it and mean it when you say it but because of the things I have said he’s being unforgiving and is saying things out of sheer anger but I could be wrong. Do guys do things like take back anything they’ve ever said when a girl upsets/hurts them?
    Your opinion is greatly appreciated thank you.

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:52 am

      Hey Kaykay,

      Nothing is foolproof. As I mentioned in the beginning of the article, there are no guarantees, but it will increase your chances of getting back together. Yes, guys say mean things when they are hurt. And yes, I do think it’s worth trying at least once. However, I’ll recommend you keep no contact for 3 months instead of 6 months. You don’t need birthdays as a conversation starter. You can use the text messages mentioned in the article.

  • Alexis April 10, 2014, 1:03 am

    My boyfriend and I had broken up in January but we were still living together because I moved to another state to be with him.. I was planning on moving back home and in the meantime I went out and had a drink with a guy and stayed out all night. He was worried about me and I lied about where I was and said I was with a friend.. the next day I wanted to fix things with him but I was so irritated with his 21 questions that I didn’t. I drank too much and was sending pictures to another guy I’d met that night online and the next morning he went through my phone and told me to move out. I ended up starred in the house for another two weeks and everything was perfect between us, better than ever. I did keep trying to bring things up, and tried everything I could to get him to take me back, but after two weeks he still asked me to leave.. he also told me that he was going to propose to me a few months before, which made everything so much worse, he said he wanted to be alone for a year and he was fine with being by himself…I’ve cried everyday for weeks, hardly eating and can’t sleep, extremely depressed.. we went 3 weeks without speaking and I went back to his town for my birthday to visit friends ( he also had the same birthday as me :/ ) I text him and let him know I was in town and if he wanted to meet up but I understood he wanted his space too. We ended up having dinner and seeing eachother twice while I was in town, I told him all the good things I’d been doing and he told me how good I looked. We hooked up twice and talked about things but he said it was too soon and he needed time and that I should continue to focus on myself. He also said of course he missed me. But that he was the one that was hurt I’m back home and still heartbroken over him.. I don’t know what to do or how to let go he called me a few days after I got home just to talk but nothing from him since. I really feel like he’s the one and would do anything to be back with him. He is super busy and in the military so he’s not very emotional and I know he’s putting up a wall.. it was the greatest year and a half of my life and I just want to continue our life together.. help me please, I feel like there is still hope for us

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:48 am

      Hy Alexis,

      I think there is nothing much you can do except give him more time. I think you should apply no contact for another 2 months and then send him the letter mentioned in the article.

  • Tim April 10, 2014, 12:19 am

    Is it weird to start a no contact period four months after the break-up (she dumped me)? A bit of the background on the relationship (feel free to search “I guess” if you want to do the TL;DR thing):
    I asked her out on a date in May of 2013 after we both had graduated college. She took five days to decide, then said “no.” Then at the end of July, she said she had a change of heart. She said my heart was the most kind she had ever seen and she wondered why she wasn’t dating me. I accepted because I had a crush and strong feelings for her for about two years. We went out for about three months before she took a job about 100 miles away. I supported her since I knew she wanted a job such this for years and even helped her move and spent her first night away from her family with her.
    Before that, she was the first one to kiss, initiate intimacy, say “I love you,” and “I feel like we’re supposed to be together” and “You’ve treated me better than anyone else outside my family ever has.” I know she has trust issues, because her only serious boyfriend before me cheated on her when she was 20 and her father cheated on her mother when she was 3. But she said when I held her, she felt safe and trusted me.
    We started a long-distance relationship for about a month, then on one weekend I was supposed to visit, she told me before I headed out that she had to come home to see her dad who had fallen ill that weekend instead. I said I was fine with it, since I would feel like a jerk if I said she couldn’t come home to see her dad. She dumped me that same weekend (at least she had the respect to do it in person) in mid-December 2013. She expressed that she felt we weren’t on the same page with the relationship — I was more invested than she was; she felt she couldn’t do as much for me since she moved and this made her feel terrible about herself, etc. Basically, the cowardly “it’s not you, it’s me/you deserve better than me” excuse. I told her I have the same heart/I am the same person she fell in love and always will be, so why did she leave?
    We both broke a lot of the rules you mentioned in Part 1, but in the months since I’ve been a lot better about giving her space. She asked about a month after the break-up how I was doing (which was right around the time I lost both my jobs and had family members end up in the hospital), but I wasn’t in a good place mentally and emotionally, so I barked at her that I didn’t know how to answer and that I was still working out my feelings.
    Last weekend, she tagged me and others in a Facebook status that she needed help with a project for work. I tried to turn the other cheek and offer to help (and I’ll admit, I considered asking her out if I saw her). I said I’d meet her around 5:30 p.m. last Sunday, but around 5 she texted saying she wasn’t feeling well and was heading home. I told her it was no trouble and that I hoped she feels better. I sent her an elephant made with symbols to help make her feel better (elephants are her favorite animal). The next day, she posted a picture on my wall from one of my favorite TV shows. I liked it and let it be. I’ve yet to contact her since.
    I guess my question is: if I start a month of no contact now, would it be detrimental to possibly getting back with her, or should I give her more space then send the letter and/or text messages? We’ve been broken up for about as long as we dated (four-ish months). I would like to get back together with her someday, not because I NEED her in my life, but because she has a genuine heart, good work ethic and loves her job and family. I WANT a woman like her in my life. Thanks for any help.

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:46 am

      I think no contact will be of some advantage to both of you. You can keep it a little short if you think both of you are in a good place right now. I’ll recommend at least 3 weeks.

  • Lacey April 9, 2014, 10:25 pm

    Hey Kevin. My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago, saying that he doesn’t see us together in the future & that we should just be friends. It was very hard at first but not once did I blow up his phone or beg him to come back. Being around him was super awkward at work. We couldn’t say anything other than hi. As time passed however, he began to warm up to me again slowly but surely. We went from ignoring each other to texting and talking on the phone. Last week I had to ask him for some help at work and before he showed up he offered to buy me something to drink at the gas station. Then when he came, he complimented my hair, brought up funny memories from our old relationship and wanted to take me to lunch. My question is, is he just trying to a friend to me like he said he wanted or is there something more? I don’t want to jump ahead of myself here.

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:39 am

      It seems he is interested in getting back together.

      • Lacey April 10, 2014, 10:42 am

        It does seem that way but I don’t want to get ahead of myself here. He said he wanted to be friends so that’s why his behavior is confusing. What should I do? I wanna get back together but I don’t want to rush into it.

        • Kevin April 11, 2014, 12:55 pm

          Just play it cool. Don’t act needy. Have fun with him and let him chase you. If he doesn’t make a move for a long time, then you ask him to get back together.

          • Lacey April 12, 2014, 9:57 am

            Well Kevin, my ex and I spoke at work a lot yesterday and the first time around, he made comments about my hair and the color of my eyes and he was looking deep inside them for some reason but something told me it was just an excuse to be in my face. The 2nd time around, he let me play in his hair and we were flirting and we ended up kissing at the end. Not that I regret the kiss but now I know that we have to talk but I just don’t know how to come about it. Any advice Kevin?

          • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:26 am

            Treat him like you would treat someone you just started dating. I’ll recommend you keep seeing him, having fun for a while before initiating any serious talk. I think kissing is fine. Just don’t sleep with him until he commits.

  • June April 9, 2014, 10:10 pm

    Hey Kevin, I commented a little while ago but I don’t see it anymore. And I subscribed to you but no emails are coming, and it’s been over 30 minutes. Why is that? I even checked spam folder and nothing is there. I’d really like your advice on my situation.

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:36 am

      It seems you have received the email already. Sometimes, it takes a while.

  • June April 9, 2014, 9:33 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex and I were in a long distance relationship. It’s about 10 hour drive from where I live to where he lives. We actually met in an online gaming community, became friends, and about a year later he became my boyfriend. We dated for a little over a year until he decided he wanted to end it. He said I’m always lazy (whenever he asked to do thngs, I didn’t want to and I just gave excuses for it.) and that I never prioritize him (I often talked to other friends and ignored him anywhere from one to three hours before replying) which hurt him a lot and made him feel like crap. I realized all this AFTER he broke up with me. To be honest, I was taking him for granted. I didn’t know I was doing it to him until the break up.

    So I basically made all the mistakes written here. Literally everything. I begged him to come back, I de-valued myself and told him I’m even fine with dating him even if he doesn’t love me anymore (because at that moment, I was ready to do anything to have him back. I thought I could get him to love me again somehow.), told him I can’t live without him etc etc all the pathetic and needy things you could ever say to a man who just lost feelings for you. After reading your article I must say I am extremely embarrassed and that I see I was just pushing him away. My ex wanted to remain best buddies and I couldn’t accept that. We broke up on Sunday so it’s barely been a week. During that time I kept texting and messaging him on Skype and stuff, letting him know how desperate and depressed I was (sigh). Then yesterday I proposed a plan to him. I wanted us to take 5 days where we can give time to each other and focus on us. I wanted to play games we used to play when we were still dating, because I remember they were fun. After 5 day period is over, if he still doesn’t want me, I’ll stop contacting him (because I couldn’t accept, as I said earlier, being merely his friend). And we were to not contact each other until a set time that I suggested which was 23rd. He agreed.

    Today I changed my mind, texted him again, told him I’m sorry I was just rushing things and that I want his opinion on what I suggested yesterday. I said we could still remain in contact until 23rd. He did not reply. Then hours later I messaged him on Skype and said I decided the set time thing was dumb and only restricted options so we can do it whenever we’re ready. (I did not expect a reply for this message, and I did not get one)

    Then I read your article. Now I know I did every possible mistake you could do after a breakup, but is there still a chance for me? I plan to not contact him until maybe mid-May or so now that I read your “at least 30 day” thing. If it does help, my ex always talked about us getting married (actually, he said it like it was a given fact) and he was deeply in love with me (I could plainly see it) and always wanted to do things together. My behaviors toward him hurt him countless times I think, and he couldn’t take it any more. I intend to never repeat those actions again if we ever get back together and I let him know that in the process of me begging to him.

    Also, what should I do when I can’t see him physically? My appearances won’t really affect anything since he can’t see it anyway. He lives so far away. I did plan on going to his place during fall break this year, do you think I can still do that if things go okay and we can be friends again? Will that change anything? I’m not even sure if he wants me to come.

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:34 am

      If things are going well with the texting and calling, then instead of asking him out for coffee, you can just ask him to catch up on skype. After a while, you can plan a trip to see each other. Yes, there is still hope for you guys.

      • June April 11, 2014, 4:56 am

        Thanks for the reply Kevin.
        Today I sort of tried to talk to him again (I know, it’s against NC rule) just to see if he was sick of me to the point he’s ignoring me, or he just wanted time to think. Turns out, it was more of the latter. He said “I’m in a weird position honestly, I want to support and help you but I don’t want you to get a wrong idea from it” I then decided I should just let him go and become friends with him, hopefully in the years to come he and I’ll have something very special. He seemed suspicious at my sudden change of behavior (I was surprised at myself as well by how okay I felt at accepting friendship with him) but became a lot more responsive and nice after deciding I meant what I said.

        Then I wanted to talk to him on Skype so he called me, and all I wanted at first was to hear how he honestly felt about me on that day we talked last before he went silent for two days and broke up with me. He told me he still loved me then, so I asked “did you mean it or did you just say that to see my reaction? C’mon, be honest.” and his reply was unexpected. He said he did mean that, so I asked “I still am not sure how your feelings for me from then flat out disappeared in two days” and he said “I still have residual feelings from it” and one thing led to another of long discussions about us (which wasn’t what I planned to talk about but might as well) and now he said he will consider us being together while we stayed friends for a few weeks.

        Basically, for now we are in no talking phase because he wants time to think. When that’s over, I’ll be his friend until he gets his feelings sorted out (and he said if I manage to not talk to him during these few days, he will give me serious consideration. I wanted to gain his trust for me again enough for him to give me another chance. Mind, this time I was not being desperate or needy.)

        Now I’m confused. It feels like things could work without the NC. What do I do? I don’t want to disappear from him while he gives himself time to think and find out I stopped talking to him for whatever reason. That’d break his trust in me completely. Right now the biggest thing I need from him is trust because I never kept promises for him during the relationship even when he seriously talked to me about them.

        Do you think what I’m doing is okay? Maybe after we become friends for some weeks and if he decides he still can’t trust me enough to be in a relationship again, would that be okay then for me to disappear for a month? Can I give us a try like that until I decide NC will have to be my only option left? Am I just being dumb?

        • Kevin April 13, 2014, 8:36 am

          You have to do NC right now since both of you agreed to not talk till he sorts out his feelings. Consider this as part of no contact. If he contacts you, and you think you still need some time, then tell him so and tell him you will contact him back after a while. Don’t just disappear, whenever you decide to do no contact, tell him you need space and time for yourself.

  • Jorge April 9, 2014, 9:22 pm

    Kevin,
    thanks for your respond the other day, and for your everyday advice emails. I’ve been keeping up with the no contact, but today I had to make contact. We went and filed for divorce, she had been harassing me for the past few days about it. So I went her, but I didn’t sign them because she wants to keep the house, car, everything, joint custody with child support. I said no to her and walked away when she started to yell at me in front of the people and our 3 year old. Although, I still love her very much I feel like I have no choice but to fight for it. She keeps telling me that she has moved on, has met a few guys, and none are serious, but she swears on our children that she no longer loves me in any way, nor that we are ever getting back together. She is dating this guy who lives in another state, she goes out of her way to visit him. Plus, it has been almost 10 months since we have split, and no intimacy. My kids is what hurts me the most, I wish things could’ve worked out months ago, but with every day that passes by, and she spends more time with this new guy, the more I except the fact in which she is indeed OVER ME!!

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:30 am

      I am glad you didn’t let her walk all over you. I think it’s time you start concentrating on moving on as well.

  • Dave April 9, 2014, 7:03 pm

    Are there other things to buy for more information? I just started the program after finding you a few days ago. I made all the classic mistakes of contact and begging. I sent a text a week ago so I’m in the no contact phase for at least 60 days. I’m thinking June right now. Last I spoke she was adiment about never getting back. Is there hope?

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:13 am

      Yes, there is hope. Use relationship rewind to get back in touch in June. All the best.

  • amoz April 9, 2014, 6:47 pm

    Hey kevin. me and my girlfriend just broke up recently. We broke up because, we had gotten to a big fight that had escalated really bad. We broke up because, we would always get into fights and almost break up but I would always pull her back in, and I know this was her last straw and I wasn’t able to talk her into staying with me this time around. We also broke up because, I did get needy and annoying during our last moments. Also because she said she doesn’t see herself dating me in the future and I mean like having a future with me (Which I dont think is true..) But anyways the last couple of days I did make the mistake of contacting her and whatnot, and telling her that I would never give up on you no matter what and how I would wait for her and that i’ll always love her. I was being needy and desperate and I understand my mistake there. For me, I just don’t think its over 100% I feel like if she takes this space from us and gets it she’ll eventually will forget the bad times and we can possibility get back together. The problem is we arent talking right now, and we both agreed not to, but she will let me know when she can give me the rest of my things. I don’t really need them, but whenever she does contact me wouldnt that break the no contact rule? Should I just keep prolonged it if she does contact me, and let her know im busy and cant meet up. I really do want to get back with her and I know I do, and im willing to do whatever it takes to be with her, and that means going through this break up and thats fine. Because, ill get to use the time to improve myself, and she’ll come back to a even better man. I just dont want to screw up again when I get the second chance, so any advice is welcome. Thanks Kevin!

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:12 am

      If you really need the things, then get it back from her when she contacts you. If you don’t need it immediately, tell her you need space and time right now and you’ll take it back from her after a while.

      • Amoz April 10, 2014, 11:36 am

        Thanks Kevin! I just hope things work out and we do get back together because I really do love her. Even if she says she doesn’t see a future in us, isn’t all entirely bad right? When we do meet up for my things, how should I go about things with her.. I also bought us promise rings a long tkme ago and planned on giving it to her when she graduates this June. Idk what to do with them, would giving them to her be too much right away or should I wait to give it to her. I just don’t want to screw any chances of getting back together with her

        • Kevin April 12, 2014, 8:34 am

          Don’t give her the ring until you are already back together. I hope things work out for you too. All the best.

          • Amoz April 12, 2014, 8:13 pm

            Thanks Kevin, we are meeting up for lunch on the 29th and I will be NC till then. She knows how I feel about everything and she knows that I want to be with her still, but she is still sure she doesn’t want to be with me. I really don’t know what to do when I see her on the 29th, because I really want to win her back

          • Kevin April 14, 2014, 11:39 am

            Just have fun and be yourself. Don’t show any signs of neediness and make some positive changes in your life till then.

  • Lei April 9, 2014, 3:09 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    Is there such a thing as waiting too long to try and get someone back? I think he’s moving on and right now he won’t talk to me so I’m starting your 5 step plan and I was wondering is 6 months a long time to wait to attempt to try again? And how would I be able to go about showing him that things are different?

    • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:07 am

      Yes, there is. That’s why I recommend only 30 days. 6 months is a long time, but it can still work depending on your situation. You make some positive changes in your life and when you meet, he will pick up on those changes himself. You don’t have to show him anything.

  • Josy April 9, 2014, 1:22 pm

    (I reported this here because I don’t think you could comment anymore) I told him that I was ok with the breakup and it made me realize what I did wrong such as being needy and controlling and I was like that because of what he did (text some girl for 2 weeks) and I thanked him for doing the breakup because I realized that. He said he was sorry that he f’d everything up and hope someday we could be friends. He started being extremely nice after I said that to him. And now we are friends texting somewhat. It’s been a month so I don’t see a problem with us being friends. And maybe we will even be able to hang out. Do you think he still has any feelings for me? He told me he cares about me and that’s why he wants to my friend and he misses me. But he told me he thinks I can care about him and move on at the same time. So kinda thinking he’s completely over me even though it hasn’t been long at all. What do you think of all this?

  • Lala April 9, 2014, 12:53 pm

    Hi Kev
    My ex left me two weeks ago after we were together for nearly two years. We were always happy together and never had big fights. We communicated well and everyone said we were perfect together.
    Out of the blue he left me saying he wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t love me or see a future together. I’ve been going through a lot of unhappy moments and haven’t been myself and I know that was a big impact. I begged him to take me back (big mistake #1)
    1 week later he started seeing somebody else. Naturally I asked him about it (big mistake #2)
    I’m using the break up to get back to normal and to be happy but I know that we are perfect together and that we just had a tough few months.
    What I want to know is if you think he will take me back if I follow your plan after he said that he doesn’t love me anymore and with the new girl in his life
    Please help and thank you for your article.

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:43 pm

      Yes, there is a chance he will take you back. But don’t ask him to take you back. Let it be his idea.

  • Dave April 9, 2014, 12:52 pm

    Do you have advice when the girlfriend is long distance. 5 hours away by drive. I am in the no contact zone.

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:44 pm

      Well, basically follow the plan till the text part. Instead of meeting up, set up a chat on skype. Eventually you will have to plan a trip to meet. You can tell her you are visiting her city and you want to catch up.

  • Condit April 9, 2014, 11:37 am

    Hey Kevin, hope you are doing ok! I decided to post this as a new case sine I am not sure if you keep checking old posts.
    I just wanted to keep you updated and get your insight. As I explained in my previous posts I have been in and on and off relationship for the last two months (relationship lasted 8 months, she is 19, very mature…I am 33). 28 days have passed since the last time we broke up. I applied no contact for probably 10 days but it did not go well that time because my ex started to bother me and said a bunch of negative things. Since then we have been talking every couple of days but this has taken us nowhere: We keep arguing most of the times we speak and even though I do not want to push the relationship and get her back I sometimes end up doing it unconsciously so she starts rejecting me again. We argue because of the relationship topic only, the rest of the time we speak we are cool with each other and hanging out well. I saw her last Sunday (April 6th) for the first time in a month, we had an argument over a stupid thing but the rest of the night was perfect, we kissed each other, hugs and laughs…pure love! Next day (Monday) I saw her again cause she had a birthday gift for me and told me to pass by and pick my gift. Once again she gave me a lot of kisses and stuff, we had a great conversation late at night and she said she was going to make up her mind, get her feelings straight and have an answer for me. Yesterday (Tuesday) since everything was getting better I decided to talk to her and proposed her to continue on speaking terms and if that was going well maybe we could have a date. She basically rejected that option and was pretty clear that we had to stop cause this wasn´t bringing anything positive to our situation. That her decision of being alone and think on what she really wants is still what she would like to do, also said we keep arguing and she does not want to go back to the same. She accepts that her attitude hasn´t been the best since we broke up, that it has been negative and has also accepted that she has seen a significant improvement in the areas I had to improve even now that we are no longer a couple. We got to an agreement that we were not going to talk to each other for a month, until May 6. When I asked her about the chances of getting back together as of right now she said there is probably 30%-35% of chances of getting back together. I think she said that because we argued yesterday and I have pushed to continue on speaking terms, she is tired of me bringing the relationship topic and continue arguing with me. She did say yesterday she loves me (not as much as she used to nor she feels deeply in love) but cares about me, thinks a lot about me and misses me still. Also said that even our chances are set at 30% she realizes she probably needs her feelings to get at 70% in order to give us a try and she also knows she is probably capable of falling back in love with me in the future, she needs time to think since she knows I am still available and waiting for her, she said she wants to feel that I am not there anymore and that will help her make up her mind. I said I have been thinking a lot too and identified things that make me wonder if it would work again too and that this 30 day period is the best thing we can do since I am tired of arguing as well. I will wait those 30 days patiently and go on with my life since all I have done didn´t work. What do you think Kevin??I would like you to give me your insight on the situation; do you think I still have a chance?? Do you think she is serious about that 30% chance of going back or she is just saying that because she wants me to give her time and space??
    Thanks for your help!

    • Condit April 9, 2014, 11:49 am

      I must add that even though we have been in touch every couple of days and some other days we do not talk I have got to the point where I don´t feel as sad as I used to be, I am hanging out with my friends, surfing, working, doing different stuff. I have also realized that even though I want her back in my life because she is a great girl I can definitely live without her, go on with my life and be happy. I now can see that she isn´t perfect and started to think clear about positive and negative aspects of her and the relationship.

      • Condit April 9, 2014, 1:28 pm

        No reply for me Kevin?? I just wanted to get your insight on what she said about the 30% chances, if you think it could be true or she just said that because she feels that way right now since we continued talking about the relationship and arguing. I plan on giving those 30 days and if not move on. Do you think she will change her mind and finally decide to give us a chance??. Sorry for the long text but there is no one else I could talk about this. Thanks in advance for your help!

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:40 pm

      Your guess is as good as mine about that 30% thing. But I think you both made the right decision. There is definitely a chance of getting back together. I am glad you are doing better and you’ve realized you don’t need her in your life to be happy.

      PS: I do check old comments.

      • Condit April 9, 2014, 3:32 pm

        Thanks for your response. Great emails Kevin, you are the man!

    • Justin April 9, 2014, 2:23 pm

      Kevin,

      My gf and I just broke up. We have been dating for two month’s or just about and everything was fine and dandy. We both agreed that we were perfect for each other and had minor disagreements occasionally. Her 21st birthday came around and literally the day after she tells me that we are moving to fast and she doesnt know what she wants;even though she said I am perfect for her and that she has never been this happy in her life. We start off with a break then like two days later we end up breaking up. All my friends tell me to give her time which I am doing but she wants to visit this friday and return some of my stuff back to me as well as go on a hike. Should I cancel those plans and go through the no-contact phase or carry on with our plans but just act like a friend at the point and not bring up our relationship at all?

      • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:05 am

        Go on the hike. Don’t act needy and have fun. Then start no contact and follow the plan.

  • Becca April 9, 2014, 11:36 am

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex and i recently broke up about 2 weeks ago and i thought it wasn’t a serious problem. He broke up with me because “I always get jealous over his job” He is a photographer so of course i know he will be taking photos of other women but i told him that I really don’t have a problem with it if i am the only one he is with. But he is very controlling and jealous. For example i cant talk to certain people or guys in general. It is hard for me to talk to my fellow male coworkers because of him, and sometimes i cant even wear certain clothing items. Yes, it sounds dumb but i really do want to be with him. At first i was crying and begging him not to leave but i feel like that only made it worse. We have been together for almost 2 years and I personally don’t believe this is a legitimate reason to break up with me. I’m thinking about using the no contact rule but it is extremely hard. I always want to talk to him and text him but I can’t. We go to the same college and take 3 classes together and it is so hard to not speak to him because we are partners in one class for a finals project. I’m so confused on what to do and how to handle the situation. I want to win him back but how? Please help!

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:36 pm

      Is it possible to change partners? If so, do it. If not, only talk to him regarding the project and nothing else and keep minimum contact. You need some time away from him. It seems he was the one was jealous in the relationship and he was projecting it on you.

  • Leah April 9, 2014, 11:24 am

    Hi,

    So I was dating this guy for about 4 months and he is a cop so their jobs are really demanding and he was doing well getting promotions etc Everything started out fine but the stress of the job started rubbing off on me because he wasn’t making the same effort to spend time with me. Going home to sleep, ride his motorcycle, etc which I tried to be understanding of bc I know he needed personal free time and he is very independent. After 4 months though he invited me out to the bar with his friends and was really distant and when I asked him if he was mad he said no that he just felt we both needed space to find ourselves and organize our lives (Both early 20′s, i’m going for my masters and his job as i’ve said is time-consuming) and that maybe we would get back together later. He has never done anything to make me feel suspicious of another women and that night he said he didnt want to see anyone else, just needs time… We havent talked, messaged or anything for a few days now and I just want to know if I should keep my hopes up or not :(

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:30 pm

      In my opinion, there is hope. Follow the plan. Give him time and make some positive changes in your life.

  • Lala April 9, 2014, 11:10 am

    Kevin,
    My ex and I were dating for nearly two years. We have been broken up for two weeks now and I have spoken to him twice in that time, once to beg him to take me back and another when i found out about the new girl in his life. I want to start your no-contact rule but I have a problem. I have to attend a function in a few days and he will also be there. How do I manage the situation. I know I will see him but i want to keep the no-contact rule in tact as much as possible.

    Please help

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:29 pm

      Treat him like an acquaintance at the function. Don’t have any conversation longer than five minutes. Be cordial. Be happy and confident.

  • meka April 9, 2014, 8:20 am

    Hi Kevin,
    My boyfriend and I broke up after 7 months of dating. It all started from me seeing a post on Facebook and sending him a text message about it and saying hurtful things. After all was said and done he told me he was done with me and to move on he wants nothing to do with me. During our 7 months of dating we have been inseparable we have a great time with each other, I’ve met his family and vice versa. Long story short I’ve broke all the rules you stated and I want to know how to fix it and is there a chance of us getting back together?

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:28 pm

      Yes, there is a chance. Follow the plan.

  • Tristian April 9, 2014, 7:15 am

    Hi Kevin, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me after 4 months. I really thought that things were going really well with us as we never argued or fought before. The moment I questioned her about texting another guy, she wanted to call the relationship off. We only finalize the break up 2 weeks after our papers. Saying that we ought to be friends and us being together was another story. I tried to do so but she her replies became colder as the week passed. 2 weeks ago, I asked her how she felt about me. She saw me as a friend and told me that she had no intention of getting into a relationship now saying that she needed to get things in ordered in her life. A week later, I told her about my difficulty to move on and told her that I would only contact her when I felt things were right.

    Please advice, what should I do in these circumstances? Thanks !

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:28 pm

      You did the right thing. Apply no contact for one month and then get back in touch using texts.

  • Beatrice April 9, 2014, 4:47 am

    Hello Kevin,

    My ex broke up with me about 30 days ago. Let me give you a bit of a background! I was in a long distance relationship since July 2013 (different countries). But we come from the same town and we went to school together but found each other again.

    Our love was amazing! The kind you write stories about! Everyone envied us and loved us together and were so surpised when I said we broke up. I never felt that kind of magic before and when we were together, even though it was only about once a month, it was pure magic. We spoke everyday, for 3 hours. We planned our future, marriage, kids, travels. We texted all the time! But it then got to a point where I did not want to be in a long distance relationship and it was taking the best of me. I wanted to be with him and made the decision to move and in with him. But this decision was made too quickly because I really had not thought it through. It wasnt that I didnt love him I just was not ready to leave everything here as it had been my home for the last 7 years. He never seemed to understand which was fair enough I see now because he had never done anything like it and he had offered to move here but I dismissed it. But this became a big problem and he just could not deal with me being so unsure so he became unsure. In his mind our love was worth it all but things are not that easy and you shouldnt rush things. If we were in the same country I knew we wouldnt had moved in so soon. Also its a big thing to go through regardless!

    I saw him and everything was ok we did have some arguments but there was so much love still but then we didnt speak for two days and he then broke up with me over the phone when I was back here. He said our love was pretend, that he didnt want me to move and he knew I didnt love him and that its over, that by being together we would make each other unhappy He kept me on the phone for an hour, dont know why he wouldnt just hang up if he was so sure.

    I handled it extremely well and even though I did beg during the initial break up after we hung up I was fine and never contacted him again, which is very unlike me. I deleted him off facebook, I deleted my instagram so he wouldnt see what I was upto. I went about being happy and loving life here! I was actually really happy. I even got myself my dream job, been on 4 dates, enjoyed time with friends and actually was happy alone. So I actually followed your plan without even knowing it! Everyone was so proud of me and surprised how well I handled it. Until now. I woke up and realised I was not that happy without him. It was just easy as we were in different countries. I miss him terribly and I feel like we were just victims of circumstance and we would not have broken up or argued if we wernt in that situation. I want to tell him how it wasnt about him it was about not being ready to leave my beloved city and all my friends just yet. There is so much I want to tell him.

    So now I want to see him. I am thinking of calling him and if he doesnt awnser see if it makes him curious and then a few days later call again or text. I have to go home next week for easter and I really really want to see him. I feel like the least id want is a face to face talk about why things went so badly. Help please! Where to go from here?

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:08 pm

      Yes, call him. Do exactly as you plan to do.

  • Jason April 9, 2014, 3:47 am

    Hi Kevin,

    So after you have finished the ‘no-contact’ period and you’ve sent the letter and now you’re in the texting period. If I text her – “Hey, I just went roller skating, and it reminded me of how much fun we had roller skating together.” Would that text be okay? Also, what if I text her that message, and she doesn’t reply, what should I do? Should I send her another message along the lines of that? Or should I do something else?

    Thanks!
    Jason

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 12:59 pm

      Yes, it sounds good. Add something that prompts a response like “How have you been?” or “Did you know they added ____ to the roller skating place?” or “Actually, thinking about it put a smile on my face. How have you been?” If she doesn’t reply, then you wait another week and send another text.

  • Rachel April 9, 2014, 3:35 am

    So, I have been doing NC for 8 days. I didn’t tell him, just disappeared. So far I had two messages on day 2, not really worth answering anyway and yesterday night this “Hi [pet name] I hope you have gotten well this week (I had a cold as I disappeared). Perhaps we could meet some day soon and find out what to do with stuff. All the best [his pet name]” I am confused. Does he mean he wants his stuff back? Why do we need to meet and talk about that? If that is what he means though I don’t want to be a jerk. Of course he can have it. What do you think?

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 12:56 pm

      He didn’t actually ask for his stuff back. If he does ask clearly, like “Hey, I need my stuff back.” then of course, you should reply. That message was just an excuse to talk to you.

      • Rachel April 9, 2014, 1:20 pm

        thanks so very much for the quick answer. I thought it was a weird message too. He is probably just testing the waters. I guess that is a good thing isn’t it? Let’s wait and see

  • Mike April 8, 2014, 9:50 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    So i’ve been dating this girl for a year now. Im 21 and shes 19. Every now and then we had a few bad fights along with with bad communication. However this time around, the fight was really bad and 6 days ago (Wednesday) she ended up telling me that she had “no more faith left in this relationship.” Now knowing my stupid self, i did every single wrong move possible to try and get her back. That same day, I was crying on the phone with her asking her what went wrong. The two days after (Thursday & Friday) were followed by fights that I was trying so hard to avoid, which resulted in me violating another “do not rule” by just being a doormat. On Saturday I begged her to give me another chance. She did but it lasted for a day. And that day she hung out with another guy. Of course, I did the other “do not” and got jealous about it. So the next day, she broke up with me and told me that she wanted to be just friends. I did not react bad or anything, instead i told her that I know i messed up and shouldn’t have reacted the way i did. She said nothing was my fault and that it was all her. She said that she still wants to be best friends so I decided to be friends with her and talk on a friendly basis.

    Up until now, I have been talking to her everyday. We don’t talk as much, probably exchange a few short text conversations a day. Both Sunday and Monday I talked to her on a friendly basis showing no intention of wanting her back. Today (Tuesday) I have not talked to her at all. I have just read this article and subscribed to your emails about 30 minutes ago, and think that this could possibly work. I have started working out and playing basketball at the gym every day now.

    Now here is a question I have. Today I went on a date with a girl and the girl made it pretty public on twitter that she was on a date with me. I am pretty sure my ex saw this, do you think this will push her away or draw her closer, or neither? She doesn’t know this girl and has never seen her before either and I really hope this won’t push her away. I am still scared that it will.

    So knowing that I broke every single “do-not” and already going on dates with other people, do you think that there’s any chance that this method could work? Thanks in advanced!

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 12:53 pm

      I don’t think so it’ll push her away. It might make her jealous, and there is a slight chance she might go on a date just to spite you. But like I said in the article, you shouldn’t worry about that. And yes, there is a pretty good chance it’ll work.

  • Michael April 8, 2014, 9:47 pm

    Hi Kevin
    I really appreciate what you have it, it is very nice of you for doing this.
    I am 26 and my ex is 27, we were together for half year, She broke up with me 2 months ago.
    Here is how I see what happened now: she is a very mature, considerate and caring girl. She has made me feel someone genuinely and unconditionally cared for me in every aspect of my life. Sadly, I didn’t even realize what I had and took it for granted. I didn’t see the hint she has been dropping and it hit me hard when she finally said that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I think she felt she was neglected, not been taken seriously, she sees me as still young and not trying to settle down and not mature.
    After the breakup, I have realized what I had lost, and have said and done everything that I could have done to show that she will be loved. At one point, she almost seems to be willing to come back again. But she drifted away because I didn’t give her the space nor the time she asked, or maybe she has more rational reasons that I can’t find out now, she is not willing to have meaningful conversation or to see me now. And I am not sure If she is seeing anyone now.
    I know I have acted poorly after the breakup, appeared needy and depressed. I feel like writing a letter to her before I start the NO Contact rule would be a good idea, This letter will focus on apologizing on my poor behavior after the breakup, her feelings, acknowledging how good she is, wish her well and let her know that I am putting her needs before my desire. By doing this she will start thinking I am not needy anymore and have changed or at least realized some important things before I stop talking to her. And maybe she will see me differently and have greater chance to miss me during non-contact time, and this will make me feel like it is easier to start the NO contact rule. But I need your advice ?
    Michael

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 12:51 pm

      I recommend you send the letter after no contact is because it looks more legitimate at that time. If you send it to her immediately after acting needy, it’ll look like a ploy to get her to talk to you. But if you send it to her after no contact, it’ll look like you actually accepted the breakup during no contact and you are not just saying it to get her to contact you.

      • Michael April 15, 2014, 12:58 pm

        Hi Kevin
        Thank you for your help. I have two questions really need your input,thanks for your time in advance.
        I am on my 13th day of non contact after the break up, but we have broke up two month ago. I have read everything on your website, I know i should focus on self improvement and be happy, but i just can’t, I still wake up very early thinking of her.. Whenever I think of her, i tried to distract myself or replaced the unwanted thought. I force myself to go out with people, trying to make new friends. but I ended up wanting be to alone, because i don’t have the willpower to talk to them with all myself. or just in general, nothing really cheer me up. I think my friends probably don’t want to hear me talking about this anymore, and tired of telling me just forget about her and move on. generally, i feel like i am in a depression, and i am scared of what i realize, i have never been like this. I have been telling myself this is an opportunity to know myself, to love myself and to grow. picking up hobby, making new friends or anything to distract myself, But all these seems like an escape for me, i am not healing …
        1) what should i do kevin ?
        I think I was the one who neglected her and not give the love she needed. so she left, that really hurts me whenever i think of this. and knowing what a good girl i have missed. I feel like having the hope of getting her back( she replied me”not now” when i asked her if we are still possible in the future), and fear of that might not happen after this no contact is constantly bothering me. I don’t know how painful i would be if she does not come back.. don’t get me wrong , i really want her back, and i know the only way to get her back is being an attractive person again. but thinking for myself, i don’t feel like my true healing will start or i can become a happy person if i still have hope and not letting her go …. my mind is conflicting itself …
        2) What should I do ?
        Michael

        • Kevin April 16, 2014, 6:32 am

          Hey Michael,

          I know how you feel and it’s sort of a catch 22 that you have to let her go and sort of get over her to be happy. And you have to be happy in your life to get her back. I’ll suggest you should start by accepting the breakup and realizing that she is already gone. You might get her back, but let’s not concentrate on that right now. Right now just concentrate on the fact that she is gone. She is no longer in your life. You are single.

          Give yourself some time to feel the way you are feeling. If you feel like being miserable for a while, then so be it. Sit at home and do nothing. Think about her, obsess over her for a few days. Start making a journal and start writing out your thoughts. Write down the reason you guys broke up, the reason you two were incompatible, write down what you want in your future relationships, write down what qualities you want in your future partner. Write down the negative qualities in your ex. Start organizing your thoughts about your ex. Don’t try to stop them. Let them come. Accept them. Embrace them. And learn to let them go. Don’t try to distract yourself just so you won’t think about her. If you do so, you’ll never really heal.

  • Uninu April 8, 2014, 9:40 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Wanna say that I totally believe in your advice and no contact,

    Although I’m in a tricky position right now, you see my ex gf of 2months has eating disorder and is not receiving treatment. I was close I thought to getting her help but she has pushed me away since she went back to her home town. I worry a lot and yea it’s been just 2months together but I have strong feelings. I haven’t called or emailed for over a week, she ended it by text so we haven’t spoken.

    I wonder in this case should I maybe not leave it too long to contact her as I’m scared for her health, at the same time, I was a little needy towards the end as 1 I felt the distancing and 2 I was worrying myself crazy.

    She’s younger than me, and might just not wanna know, but I’m also afraid of her illness and it could be what’s causing her to end things.

    Any views?

    Thanks

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 12:46 pm

      I don’t think it’s possible for you help her if she has broken up with you. Does her parents know about it? Does she have any friends who know about it? If there is no one else to help her, then perhaps you should stay in touch once a week and encourage her to get help. If she does have someone, then let them help her and you follow no contact and concentrate on yourself.

  • james April 8, 2014, 8:24 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    My partner split up with me 7 months ago. Before that we were together for over 9 years and have a 2year old son together, living together for around 5 years and probably 4 years engaged). She always said she wanted to get married but I always told her that I felt that our relationship just had too many arguments and when things got better then we can certainly get married). Prior to the split we were planning to move overseas as I had been offered a job. 3 months after the split I left the country to pursue my new career. Before I left I said a brief goodbye to her and my son. Soon as I had arrived here she starting texting wanting to be with me again. 2 months after that she arrived in the country only to find out that this is not what she expected and decided that it would probably be best if she left the country and went back to home country as that is where her entire family were.
    When she was here with me she spent most of her time on her phone texting her friends and family back home, we never ever had time to work on our relationship. To add to it she never had a job here, no friends, family nothing other than myself and my son. She spent everyday moaping around the house and to add to it she had our son who is extremely active the entire day as we had not yet put him into kindergarten. She used the lines that I had not changed and I am still the same person I was. I seem to think it was her that changed, she said that she had made new friends whilst I was away and that she liked going out with them, she also said that she had much more help with our son back home. Since she has been back (1month) we have text once or twice, buts she is very brief!
    What do you think I should do in my case. Its difficult to do the 30 day no contact as I like to know how my son is doing and often send her text to ask.
    I love her with all my heart and she says that she still loves me but we dont do well together. what to do…? what to do….?

    Look forward to response
    thanks

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 12:43 pm

      Hey James,

      I think it’s going to be an uphill battle to try to win her back as long as she is in the other country. I guess your best bet keep minimum contact with her for a couple of months and then start talking to her more. Then eventually ask her to give it a try again.

      • James April 9, 2014, 5:19 pm

        Thanks!

  • Dale April 8, 2014, 7:56 pm

    And we were together for 2 and a half years. I am 29 and she is 32.

  • Dale April 8, 2014, 7:48 pm

    Hello,
    Can this plan work if your ex left you for cheating? I made a mistake. I thought she didn’t love me anymore and I ended up making a horrible mistake then she found out and left me. I tried telling her it was a mistake and how sorry I was. Begged, pleaded and all those other things that apparently don’t work. I love her but she said she can’t get past it. Should I try this plan or just give up?

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:59 am

      Yes, it can work. Make sure you use the letter in the article.

  • Ann April 8, 2014, 6:41 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I broke up with my boyfriend 3 days ago, because I felt like I was in an unhealthy relationship. We had dated for 2 years. During those 3 days he kept calling and texting me and asking to get back together and promising that he would change and that everything would be different. Now, I really want to get back together with him (the changed him) and now he is telling me that he is done and that I had “made the right decision” by breaking up with him, even though I regret it a lot now. I want to get back together with him and I don’t know what to do. :( Please help! Thanks!

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:59 am

      Follow the plan Ann.

  • Chuck April 8, 2014, 5:53 pm

    Me and my girlfriend of 7 yrs broke up about 2 weeks ago. I am just devastated, losing my mind and everything. I come to find out that she is already talking to someone, and has already kissed the guy as well, 2 days after breaking up with me. She has told me they are just talking, she is not pushing for anything serious at the moment. I told her “Did we break up because of him?” and she says that he didn’t have no type of influence in the decision. even though she has liked the guy for some time now. This past Sunday she came over and we talked and stuff, and one thing led to another and we ended up being intercourse. The night before on Saturday she was with the guy as well. They ate out in a restaurant and already met one of my ex best friends. The intercourse on Sunday I don’t what it really meant. I don’t know if it was a “good bye sex” or what but even before that i just talked to her about how much I missed her and all the good times, and everything she means to me. Im confused, i need help. I havent talked to her since sunday night April 6, 2014. So what would be my best advise? Its killing me knowing that the guy she likes as well works with her in her accountant firm.

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:58 am

      Follow the plan Chuck. The new guy is probably a rebound. You have a good chance of getting her back.

      • Chuck April 11, 2014, 1:25 pm

        Well, that’s the thing. She say’s she really like this guy. This guy was also in a 7 yr relationship recently and broke up with his girl as well 2 weeks before me and my girlfriend broke up. Now they are going to have there first “Date” Saturday night. I’m freaking out because how can this happen so fast. She was with me 7 yrs and already 2 weeks broken up and they are going out on a date?

        • Kevin April 14, 2014, 6:49 am

          It’s a rebound. That’s how rebounds happen. It’s normal. I know the feeling sucks but there is literally nothing you can do to stop them. All you can do is act cool about it and stop acting needy.

  • Kyle April 8, 2014, 2:51 pm

    Kevin, so my ex and I were together for about a year and half and everything was going great until we both started to use drugs. I had been using for the last few years, and when our relationship started to get serious we moved in together. When we moved in together she started to use with me and it started to slowly rip our relationship apart. After time we both decided that we needed help, and she ended up going to a rehab a few hours away, and I decided to stay and get help here. Before she left we decided that we needed to do this to save our relationship and our lives. After about 2 weeks or so she called me and told me that she didn’t think that our relationship was going to work because or our past drug problems. She completed her stay at rehab and decided to go live in a Oxford house in the outer banks, NC. As far as I know, she is going to be there all summer long. After getting clean and working on the things I was doing wrong in my life, I want nothing more then to have her back and show her the love I never showed her. We talked briefly when she was home for a couple days before she left for the OBX. I have texted her one time since she left, and I could just use some advice on what I should do to try and get her back and show her that I am sorry and I love her.

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:44 am

      Hey Kyle,

      Just give her some time (one month or two) and then get back in touch with her. Use the texts in the article.

  • James April 8, 2014, 2:21 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    So my Ex and I broke up about 4 months ago. I’m 18 and she’s 19. She dated some guy for like a month after, but they broke up. She then contacted me again through my sister in law and we started talking again. We have been talking for 3 months almost every day. I asked her out about 4 times throughout those months and she would ignore when I would ask and then the next day she would talk to me and never answer the question, so I would just let it go. She says she still loves me and says she’s not ready to date yet. I have attempted no contact with her about 2 times, but has only lasted about a week when I would get a reaction out of her. It seemed to do something because it boosted her feelings for me more. We would learn more about each other about what we didn’t know and she told me a secret she has not told anybody, so I feel like she trusts me. We have talked about our past relationship a couple of times and says she’s sorry for everything and regrets it. We talked in person 3 times out of the 3 months only for a minimal amount of time. She would text me mostly throughout the days, never on the phone. She says she wants me in her life and says there is a reason why I am in her life etc. Though, the past 2 weeks she has not talked to me. I was the last one to initiate contact. Could I have done something wrong? I would feel so close to winning her back and be put right back at square 1. Please help..

    • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:43 am

      James, I replied to you here.

  • Josy April 8, 2014, 10:18 am

    Hello Kevin again,
    I contacted my ex telling him that I was going to remove him from my social sites because I didn’t want to seem like a jerk. I told him I wasn’t going to be able to be friends like this because it is not healthy for me because I am still attached. He message back saying why cant I be friends? I miss you. I told him I missed him also but couldn’t do. He really believes that we can be friends seems like he really doesn’t want to lose me completely and he said he was going to text me but he didn’t know if I wanted him to. I really do want him back but don’t know what to do now.

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 12:08 pm

      It’s OK. If he keeps contacting you, tell him you need space and time right now and maybe you can get back in touch after a while.

      • Josy April 8, 2014, 2:02 pm

        I told him again I could not be friends because my feelings were attached and I needed to move on. He told me “Do you want to date me again? Because then I understand if you don’t want to be friends”. I’m really hurt and confused why is he saying he misses me now and then shutting down all options of us dating again. Then I told him I would like to talk to him as friends but I am trying to move on. And he says we can talk about anything completely ignoring the fact that I’m telling him I can’t talk because I have feelings for him. What does this mean? Is all hope lost? He’s talking to other people so I don’t see why he wants to talk to me so badly if he doesn’t want to ever get back together. He has other girls to talk to. Thanks again

        • Josy April 8, 2014, 10:14 pm

          I asked him why does he want to talk to me? And all he said was because you said you had things to talk to me about as if he didn’t just say he missed me and wanted to talk before I said I had things I would have liked to talk about to him. I told him to have a great and beautiful life and he said likewise. I think all hope is gone. Btw we are only 19 I’m thinking he’s just not ready for our relationship. Really hurts because we were together for so long that he only wants a friendship and now we don’t even have that.

        • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:41 am

          Because he doesn’t want to lose you. He thinks if he cuts contact with you, it’ll be easier for you to move on and the thought of you moving on scares him.

          • Josy April 9, 2014, 1:17 pm

            I told him that I was ok with the breakup and it made me realize what I did wrong such as being needy and controlling and I was like that because of what he did (text some girl for 2 weeks) and I thanked him for doing the breakup because I realized that. He said he was sorry that he f’d everything up and hope someday we could be friends. He started being extremely nice after I said that to him. And now we are friends texting somewhat. It’s been a month so I don’t see a problem with us being friends. And maybe we will even be able to hang out. Do you think he still has any feelings for me? He told me he cares about me and that’s why he wants to my friend and he misses me. But he told me he thinks I can care about him and move on at the same time. So kinda thinking he’s completely over me even though it hasn’t been long at all. What do you think of all this?

          • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:45 pm

            He does have feelings. If you made positive changes in your life, then he will notice when you meet up and get attracted to you again. All the best.

  • maria April 8, 2014, 9:06 am

    hi kevin,

    My ex has been contacting me and calling me but he does not let me calls him. He would offer himself to call me if I wanted to talk. But he always ended it after about 20 minutes as he does not prefer calling much. We had been texting everyday but he does not shows any signs of getting back. But that day, I met with an accident and I told him about it. He immediately gave me a call. And he told me he will come back to our college. And I asked him would he help me with the car? He say, we’ll see about that. haha. We broke up due to my attitude of neediness, controlling and I wasn’t myself during the relationship. I’m thinking of talking to him about furthering this relationship during June if he keeps on continuing showing postive signs like this. Coz I want him to think about it during the holidays but not sounding needy just by telling him, I’m still waiting. Do you think it would be a good idea?

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 12:07 pm

      Yes, it’s a good idea. IF you haven’t applied no contact till now, do it for at least two weeks.

  • Dark Knight April 8, 2014, 8:35 am

    How do I approach this contact? I can only email her or call her at work? I think I will wait two months…..hope its not to late :-( hopefully she will contact me first, I hope.

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 12:03 pm

      Email.

  • Carol April 8, 2014, 7:32 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Firstly, thank you for this – I loved reading it and it has given me a lot of perspective. I wanted to share my story and hear your thoughts.

    Until recently (2 weeks actually) I had been with my husband for almost four and a half years. We have been married for almost two and a half years. We never argued and were perfect until earlier this year when he showed signs of depression – which we later realised that it was because he was going through bereavement for losing his mum end of 2012. I was waiting for it to hit and it took more than a year. He was really struggling to deal with it – said he was unhappy and didn’t know why. Anyway, I couldn’t believe it and did every single thing that I think I wasn’t supposed to (email, messages, calls, endless talking) and basically made myself unattractive, needy and desperate. It was the panic of losing him that pretty much turned me into a nut job!

    Ok, so two Sundays ago, he said he wants to end it – said he loved me and was attracted to me but did not want ‘us’ anymore. He said he wanted us to be friends and hang out – to which I totally agreed because I was still in that panic state. But great advice from friends put some wisdom in me. I seized all communication. I didn’t even tell him. I am close to his sister – so she told me that she had to explain to him that I needed space. And he kept saying ‘but she said it was ok to hangout’. The first week he sent a text saying that he is coming over and I said I had plans. Later on that week he sent another text saying ‘how about we hang out on Friday’ and I said ‘I will let you know when I am ready to hang out’. Didn’t stop him from sending another text on Saturday – that I ignored. He has stopped texting so that’s good. But he keeps asking his sis for updates on me. I met up with her on Saturday and we had a lovely long chat (not all about him, mostly fun stuff and old relationships). She said she cannot make head or tail of what’s going on with him. But he just keeps to himself (he, the sis, her bf and dad live in the same house up the street from our flat).

    Anyway, first week was tough, first weekend was kinda worse, second week it got better, the weekend was worse than the first weekend. This is the third week and I am feeling better. Still a bit empty and lonely but I am dealing with it.

    Now this is interesting. Before the break up, I ordered him something that he wanted. It is a soft toy that he was trying to get in the arcades because he is obsessed with this cartoon (he works in a school so gets influenced by the kids sometimes). Anyway, I gave it to the sis to take it over to him and he wanted to call me to thank me or send a text and was asking her advice… then he asked her if he sent a text, would I reply and she said ‘probably not’. And he went ‘oh..’ not the happy ‘oh’.

    The other thing that I offered is as I am working and it is term break, I have offered for him to spend a couple of week days in the flat (which I have super cleaned! It was getting really messy towards the end of our relationship). His dad’s place is quite small and the dad and sis’ bf works from home – so I thought that would give him a bit of space. As long as I don’t see him or interact with him, that’s fine. I have my own routine when I get back anyway. Anyway, I was hoping that this will help give him some perspective in terms of what he can have.

    I am going to keep this up for over the 30 day period. Because firstly, this will go on till after term break and after that, his sis and bf are on holiday for three weeks. This will leave him alone with his dad – who is accustomed to the sis doing everything in the household. So that might give him more perspective when he is expected to pick up the slack. He kinda had the good life with me because I did everything and looked after him really well. Pampered him too much maybe.

    But you are absolutely right! The cutting off communications has worked for me – meaning me getting over the panic stage and thinking about things that make me happy, catching up with friends and finding myself.

    Bereavement when a son loses his mother can be a life changing event. He was not seeing clearly and I was not helping. I am hoping (along with the rest of the family) that he comes to his senses and see that he is giving up on the best thing that happened to him..

    Do you think, with the right distance and space, he will come to his senses?

    Thanks Kevin!

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 12:00 pm

      Yes, I do think so. I think you are handling everything very well. All the best.

  • mosh rose April 8, 2014, 4:25 am

    hi kevin

    i worte in a reply to what you answerd me but am writing again becouse i dont want you to miss it and waiting for your reply so i will know how to act or what to do :

    so just to remind you what is the case:
    my girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years. during the 2 years period we lived together for 1.5 years.
    i am 33 years old, she is 23 years old.
    in spite the age differences we had great love and everything seemed to be working really good.
    a couple of months ago she broke up with me , telling me she feels that she wants to explore life more, try new things, maybe travel, maybe traveling , but then after 1 week she came back because she loved me and wanted to try regardless of her wishes , of course i offered her my full support with whatever she want to do and will try to be by her side and will not let the relationship stand in her way.
    since then time went by and a week ago i got home from work and she broke up with me ,it was a complete surprise for me as things where going really good.
    this time she tole me that she cannot escape her desire to be alone, she is maybe thinking on going to live in a different country, maybe she will start her degree in a far place, she want to try new things, to just be by herself and search inside her soul what she really wants. she does not know how much time it will take, maybe 6 months , maybe 1 year, maybe 2…
    after the brake up she moved back to her parents house and we scheduled to meet up and finish the relationship with a good talk.
    she asked me not to ask for her to stay because she is determined.
    last night 5 days after the brake up, we met at my flat. we drank wine, talked about the past , complimented each other, i told he i believe in her and i thank her for everything. she told me im amazing and if she was a little older there is no way she would have let me go we laughed and when i told her that i am not going to ask her to stay because im 33 and want stability in my life she started to cry after much wine and talking we went to bed and had amazing sex, out of control and full with passion.
    then she left , i texted her that i had a great time, and she answered that she had a great time and that she is happy we met and left a sweet memory from this realansioship.

    and now there is a recent devolopment:

    she called me sunday night, crying, telling me she is coming to pick all her stuff tommorrow (yestrday) , i was cool during the conversation, and she asked me how i am doing, telling me its hard for her, and saking me how was my day and other questions..
    after 40 minutes talk i did a mistake and asked her if she want me to come and pick her up for a sleep over. she said its very tempting but she cant and then said she will come tusday night (tonight).
    yestrday she picked all of her stuff , i was at work , she called me after telling me she left the key and took everything, i asked if we are meeting today and she said it will not be a good time for her to meet up but she will come on friday night, i ansewrd her that if she does not want to come i will dont want it to be out of preusure or somthing . and she said that she wants to come.
    i want to see her and be with her (yes also sex). but i feel that maybe she will make like more easy for her and not for me… mabye it will help her gradully move on instead of doing it in one go or maybe she is afriad of being alone
    maybe im wrong, and meeting her having a nice date togther and fun time , great sex will give me back a chance of winning her over?
    im confused , please tell me what you think so i can excute it.
    i want to get her back..and if it will mean telling her not to see her then i will , but if that is the case how am i doing it while leaving a chance for future? and when will i contact her?
    or maybe seeing her is not a bad idea and she miss me too?
    im so confused right now, and waiting for your ansewr.
    thank you!

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 11:27 am

      I replied to you here.

  • Mark April 8, 2014, 2:59 am

    Hey Kevin,
    I signed up to receive your emails and at some point you mentioned that I should not block my gf in Facebook. The problem is: I did that when we broke up. I also blocked her in whatsapp.

    We don’t live in the same city. I think she might try to contact me again in a 2 months, when she will be back here.

    How to proceed? Should I unblock her and try contact or just wait.

    Today is the 30th day of the no contact rule.

    Thanks a lot!

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 11:25 am

      It’s OK. Unblock her when your no contact is over.

  • Leslie April 7, 2014, 9:18 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago and I’m still having a hard time accepting that he is serious. We met 4 months ago and were inseparable. I normally wouldn’t be so devastated over something so short, but there is this intense connection between us and I thought he was the one. We both discussed how natural it felt to be together and how scary it was that it happened so fast, but we both agreed that it felt right. He told me that he wanted to live together so we started looking for places and we’re prepared to move this month. He also wanted to take me back home to meet his family next week and told me how excited he was. He would always show me affection, compliment me, and could barely go a few hours without sending me a text telling me how much he missed me and loved me. Our entire relationship was loving, sweet, playful, deep, and fit to go the distance. Then out of no where he breaks up with me last week telling me that he can’t be with anyone else and can’t do a real relationship. He said that I did nothing wrong and it was his fault for feeling like he couldn’t devote time and energy into another person.
    He is getting his PhD right now and can be considered a little quirky, he sticks to a strict routine in order to stay on top of everything and has anxiety issues when he feels overwhelmed. He had done this once before after getting stressed out about school but immediately took it back once he calmed down and I assured him that I would stick by his side no matter how intense school got for him. I thought once he had some time to breathe he would change his mind but he hasn’t.
    We went a few days without speaking and then last night he texted me just to chat about random stuff. Once I found out he was doing schoolwork I told him not to let me bother him and he said “this was not a bother.”
    I feel like there’s no way our relationship could possibly be over at this point. We were too great a match, and made too many plans for the future together.
    Please help! I love him and really do feel like he’s my match.

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 11:02 am

      Hey Leslie,

      All you have to do is follow the plan. In your case, I’ll recommend you keep no contact for just 2-3 weeks.

  • Ariel April 7, 2014, 7:07 pm

    I’m so confused. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago through one of her friends.Saying she couldn’t do it anymore and that she had felt trapped, controlled, and felt I could never trust her for a while now.Also that she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Two days after text me apologizing and saying she wants forgiveness and understanding. I tell her not to dwell and she replies “Ok. Well bye then Ari.”I didn’t respond back. A few days later, its my birthday and I get a text saying”Hey Ari, I hope you have a very happy birthday.” I don’t reply til the next day because I was out having a good time.”Thank you” she replies Your very welcome….What is she doing? on top of all this she still has some of my things at her place..What’s going on? I can’t figure it out,I’ve asked friends their opinion and keep saying that it seems like she upset with me. What do I do?

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 10:45 am

      Hey,

      Like I said in my comment over here, you should follow the plan. Her texting you on your birthday doesn’t really mean anything. So don’t overthink it.

  • Jess April 7, 2014, 7:07 pm

    Hi! I did no contact for 2 and a half months and it worked like a charm. We met me when we were thirteen and started dating when we were 17 and were together for four years. I swear we have loved each other since the day we met. I broke up with him bc he didnt seem to care (I def had intentions of getting him back and so did he in the beginning), we agreed we could see other people, I did, he got pissed and didnt even want to see me from november thru february. A friend told me last month he was literally crying (he never cries) in his truck to my friend for an hour about how he misses me and wants to settle down and blah blah blah. I texted him on his birthday last week, he was really friendly, I asked if i could buy him a birthday drink that Wednesday, we did and it was great. Very light and we just had fun. Hugged goodbye, we have been texting like every other day since last wednesday (just upbeat small talk) and his texts are still friendly but im usually the one to text first but he is the one who keeps the convo going. If i dont text back within a half hour, he texts me again.. When/how do I know the appropiate time to ask him to hang out again? I dont think he will ask me as he told my friend he thinks i have moved on. I also dont want to scare him off obiously. Advice? Thanks so much :)

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 10:43 am

      Hey Jess,

      If it has been a week or more than that since you last met, ask him out again. It won’t scare him. Think of someplace interesting to go to where you’d have something to do other than just talking.

  • Tatyana April 7, 2014, 5:43 pm

    Hi Kevin
    How do you think, will NC work if he told me that he doesn’t love me anymore? but he said he just wants to be friends and doesn’t want to lose me..
    Thanks

    • Kevin April 8, 2014, 10:39 am

      Yes, it will. Tell him you need some space and time and then start no contact.

  • Dave April 7, 2014, 2:52 pm

    Kevin,

    I am 37 and my ex is 35. I have never been married and have no kids, and my ex has been married before and has two boys age 7 and 13. My ex and I fell in love at first sight. It was a whirlwind of emotions and an engagement came 7 months later. 6 months later I was falsely accused of a crime and arrested. We had to call off our summer wedding, but my ex and I secretly dated and we were together for another 11 months. I moved closer to her, but my case never had an end in sight. She asked for a break in February due to the stress of my case, the stress from her child custody hearing with her awful ex, and these sudden feelings she had for a guy “friend” at church. I was upset at first and we had a few discussions back and forth via texts, but I have been giving her space for the last 40 days now. She has been doing friendly activities with this guy like hiking a couple times, game night with the kids, and a movie with the kids too. She did text me three weeks ago asking what is going on with my case and asking when it is going to be over. The good news is it looks like in 10 days it will all finally end. I will notify her when it’s over, and then follow your guide to win her back. I know the stress of all of this is what caused her to ask for a break, and I am hoping this guy is just a distraction (he just went through divorce #2 as well). Any advice for someone in my situation?

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 4:08 pm

      Yes, get back in touch when it’s over. Then slowly start texting her and eventually ask her out.

  • Johan April 7, 2014, 2:08 pm

    Hey Kevin. After three weeks of no contact I texted my ex and said that I watched a movie that we watched the first time I was at her place and said that it reminded me of her. I asked her how she was doing and we texted for a good 40 minutes. Everything went fine and she didn’t seem bothered by me at all. Now my question is, how should I continue this? We attend the same school and were in the same class so it’s a little awkward if I only text her and then in school I ignore her. I have an idea of asking her if she wants to meet up in a week or something but what would you recommend that I do?

    Sincerely, Johan

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 4:06 pm

      Don’t ignore her completely at school. Treat her like an acquaintance and be cordial. Continue texting and then ask her out as you plan to do.

  • Fernanda April 7, 2014, 1:05 pm

    Great article!!!! Well I need help, to sum up we both were our longest relationship (1 year and 2 months). Even before dating i was clear to him that I would be eventually moving out to California, I’m currently living in boston. Anyways he was getting serious about us but he wanted me to stay and I got scared and started pushing him away until he broke up with me. Problem is we work together and though we broke up on friendly terms (stupid thing to do really) it did not end well. That was around november last year. I started a cold war around December because he was acting like a douchebag and it wasn’t healthy for me in any way so I chose to ignore him by text and at work. It has been 5 months since we broke up and 3 of ignoring each other completely. Truth is I’m over this stupid but at that moment necessary cold war. Should I text him that from now on I won’t avoid him anymore at work because at this point looks stupid? I don’t want to get back with him cause I am movin g out in about 4 months but I am tired of avoiding eachh other at work… Need help -.-

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 4:04 pm

      Sure go ahead. But if you don’t want to get back together, you are inviting confusion and mixed feelings by getting back in touch with him. Are you sure you can handle that. Wouldn’t it be easier to just keep ignoring each other for 4 more months and have the peace of mind you have currently?

      • Fernanda April 7, 2014, 5:03 pm

        You’re amazing haha really. I mean I do have peace now but it stresses me when I decide to take my lunch at the breakroom and i see he is there I inmediately turn around and go somewhere else. Should I keep doing that? I mean avoiding being in the same room ? Or just stay and don’t care if he likes it or not? And about the the text I thought about saying that as coworkers I would treat him like a coworker by stop avoiding him and saying hello even if he didn’t reply back but that if he wanted to keep avoiding me is fine by me. Just he can’t expect the same from me anymore. But after reading what u said maybe I shouldn’t warn him and just stop avoiding him (I would still stick to the cold war lol) . What you think? Thank you so much btw!!!!

        • Kevin April 8, 2014, 10:37 am

          I think you shouldn’t text him but stop avoiding him like that. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable just for the sake of avoiding him.

  • Kristi April 7, 2014, 10:27 am

    Hey…
    My fiance of four years broke up with me five days ago. I have just told him gently that I cannot be in contact for a while, since he texted me asking if I wanted to go to the movies with him and some of our friends. (He apologized after his mother -who loves me and is heartbroken about our break up- told him it was inappropriate to ask me to just be friends after 5 days).
    I know exactly where and why our relationship went wrong, and we ended it not with a “I don’t love you” or a “I don’t want you in my life”, but with him saying he didn’t know who he was anymore and he needed to be on his own. I completely understand, but it’s still hugely painful. He had always treated me like a queen, and sure, we’ve had disagreements, etc, but never anything bad.
    He’d always gone above and beyond to show me how much he loved me, and frankly, no one saw this coming. Only I knew how co-dependent we were becoming, especially him, and I think some time apart would be good for us. A total break up, on the other hand, was a bit of a shock. But I am dealing with it, and our friends our very supportive and kind. I just don’t really know what to do with his trying to just be friends all of the sudden. I have never been through something like this, and I know I most definitely want to be with him again someday…. just not right now. When we have both had time to re-evaluate our lives and find ourselves again, perhaps.
    I feel lucky that his mother is so supportive and kind to me, and hopes that I will succeed in getting back together with him someday. That isn’t common, and I am grateful that after everything, she still considers me family and loves me. It’s really helped me find some peace.
    I’m planning on making a bunch of positive changes in my life, and I hope and pray he does the same, and can find happiness without me first, so, hopefully, we can someday be happy together again.
    I look forward to reading your emails etc. Thank you for this!
    ~Kristi

    • Kristi April 7, 2014, 10:28 am

      Also, tomorrow would have been our four year anniversary of engagement…. so it gonna be a rough day for me. Must find a suitable distraction!

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 4:02 pm

      Hey Kristi,

      You didn’t ask a question, so I will just tell you that I think you two have a pretty good chance of ending up together in the future and wish you best in your life.

      • Kristi April 7, 2014, 9:32 pm

        Thank you… I appreciate it! I didn’t really have a question. I suppose most of them were answered via the article above. I mainly wanted to say thanks in advance and how much I appreciate any assistance. ^_^

  • Aaron April 7, 2014, 10:22 am

    Hey Kevin,
    I got dumped about 4 weeks ago. We had been together for a little over 2 months. It was short, but we started fast and were both really happy and excited. Then she started having feelings about commitment she didn’t understand, said she just needed to think through them and that everything would be fine. A couple weeks after that, she told me she was thinking about breaking up with me but it made her so sad, she decided not to. Then two weeks later, she did break up with me, saying she just didn’t see a future for us. I took it really well, was mature, didn’t try to change her mind. I told her that wasn’t what I wanted but respected her decision, told her that I had been happy with her and thanked her for everything.
    A week after that, she texted me about her cat. I responded, but didn’t prolong the conversation.
    Then this past weekend, I decided that if everyone else gets to have moments of weakness, than so do I! I had walked past a place where she had done something silly on one of our first dates, and told her I passed it and hoped she was doing great. I didn’t think she would respond, but she did. In addition to responding to my note, she also said she misses my smile. Why would she say that?! She’s the kind of girl who makes up her mind and doesn’t go back, yet she misses my smile.
    It seems to me like there is a chance. I did no contact for 4 weeks, except for when she texted me 3 weeks ago. I’d really like to ask her to walk my dog or something in another couple weeks. What do you think?!
    Thanks!

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 4:00 pm

      Go ahead. Everyone changes their mind when they realize they made a mistake. She is no different.

  • MB April 7, 2014, 9:06 am

    Kevin,

    Hi. About three years ago, I was courting a girl that I really liked and she had feelings for me as well. I took her on a date, wined and dined her, and we shared our first kiss. I shared my feelings with her a couple of days later, and she said she felt the same way. She showed interest in wanting to date me, but changed her mind later (Not knowing her past, she had just ended a relationship before she went on a date with me). At the time, we lived about three hours away from each other and I was in a pretty rigorous school, and she was in nursing school. She later shared with me that she couldn’t balance school, a long distance, new relationship, and get over her ex all at the same time. Obviously, I was pretty devastated, and like your article, I exhibited some of the same traits we as humans do when we want to hold on to something precious. As a result, I could feel she was growing annoyed and uninterested, and as a last ditch effort, I asked if I could send her a gift…she said yes. I sent her the gift (which was a hand-made card with a short, friendly note, and non-vulgar jokes on the opposite side, and a small stuffed animal). She hated the gift (I think she was just conceding when she said I could send her something, I think she was dating someone else at the time, and did not know how to tell me), blocked me from Facebook, and emailed me saying that she thinks it’s best not to contact her anymore. So, I have not contacted her since. It’s been three years and I still think about her. I noticed about three months after she sent that email, she unblocked me from Facebook, but I was not sure if that meant anything or not.

    What do you think?

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:54 pm

      If it’s been three years, you should contact her. If her reply is favorable, then ask her out. If not, move on.

  • tanya April 7, 2014, 8:47 am

    Hi Kevin,
    So I do what have you suggested for me and now I’m only in two days of NC. Life has been good and I managed to go on but sometimes still thinks about him. But today suddenly he text me asking why I treat him like that (for being angry and yell at him for what he does which was lied to me). So I think he is still angry and need explanation but I didn’t text him back yet cause I don’t know if I should do that or continue my NC. What do you suggest? Thank you.

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:49 pm

      Continue no contact. If he contacts you again, tell him you need some space and time you will appreciate it if he doesn’t contact you for a while.

  • Unknown April 7, 2014, 8:01 am

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex and I were together for four years. In November we decided to take a break from each other for a few weeks. I was going through some depression issues and we were both a little unhappy in our own lives. We spent a couple days apart from each other but continued to be together for another two months. We did not spend the same amount of time together as we did before, but when we were together everything was great.

    In February, she told me that she did not think it was a good idea for us to hang out anymore. She would say things like, I just need space, or, I can’t see us getting back together for another couple months. She has also continued to tell me how much she loves and cares about me. I found out from my friend, who lives with her, that she had started seeing someone else. It was a guy from her work who had always been “just a friend”. Like most guys, I made the mistake of over contacting my ex and trying to reason with her. That went on for a couple weeks.

    We have had to see each other because we are in the same social circle. Each time we are together, she makes it a point to talk to me and things seem normal between us. She says that it is because we are “just friends”.

    I have not spoken to her in 3 weeks and she has continued to see this other guy. It my eyes, I think it is a rebound. She jumped from our long term relationship right into another one. He is 12 years her senior, which is a way bigger deal when you are in your 20′s.

    Wanted to get your opinion. I’ve read a lot of your material about breakups and rebound relationships. To me, our relationship was very solid and it feels like it was just the wrong time for the both of us. It also seems like her relationship with this guy is the definition of a rebound.

    Thanks!

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:48 pm

      Hey,

      I agree that it’s probably a rebound. Let her have her rebound and continue no contact for another 2-3 weeks before getting back in touch with her. I’ll also recommend you go on a few dates before the end of no contact.

  • Keisha Smith April 7, 2014, 7:53 am

    How do you apply the 30 days contact if we have child together? I am so confuse and lost.

  • Lou April 7, 2014, 7:46 am

    Hi Kevin, my last comments have been lost to far below, I have tried to look for them but have no luck. As you know my ex has said she defo does not want to be with me. This weekend my best friend come down to see me (we live in different citites) my best friend text my ex to ask where she got a present from for me. She replied to my best friend saying ‘Hi got this from blah blah blah hope you have a nice weekend in London’
    So I saw that as hope, and said would you like to meet us all as friends, she replied I do not want to be friends at the moment. Then the next day she said ‘Dont contact me again, I never ever will be friends with you.
    Why did she reply to my best friend, then say to me not friends at the moment then say I defo do not want to be friends…… I know I broke the no contact rule, but as she text my best mate (that she has never met) I thought there was some hope…….

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:32 pm

      Hey Lou,

      When your friend messaged her, she thought he/she genuinely wanted information. So she replied politely. When you messaged her, she thought you used your friend to test the waters and then contacted her. She felt kind of betrayed and thought you were playing tricks on her. So she got angry and told you she can never be friends with you. Like I told you several times, apply no contact for 45 days and then send her the letter. That’s the only way you can open up communications between you two.

      • Lou April 8, 2014, 3:13 am

        Hey Kevin,
        Thank you again for taking the time to message me I am most grateful.
        She was very very angry in her response to me, as she said I have blew anychance of any friendship in the future, esp all the things I have done in past, harrassing, outing etc.. She said she does not want a friencd like that in her life as be falsh, let alone get back together, she told my friend, she wants me to move on and be happy, but it is never going to happen with her. Is this now truth speaking?

        • Lou April 8, 2014, 5:07 am

          And to add, she just emailed me out blue to say Sorry I don’t have your white top, I will look for it. I said thank you do you have the vouchers we got bought us for London, she replied sorry you cvan’t have the ones my family bought, but you can have the ones I bought…..
          What do you make to this?

          • Kevin April 8, 2014, 11:28 am

            It doesn’t mean anything. You still need to apply no contact. If she contacts you again, don’t reply.

          • lou April 8, 2014, 12:44 pm

            And i.had a miss call from her. How can this not mean anything?

          • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:34 am

            It does mean something. It means she is thinking about you. But you should still follow no contact rule and do as I said before.

          • lou April 11, 2014, 4:42 am

            Ok so no contact for 45 days then the letter?
            Do you still feel I have a chance as after 45 days will be almost 3 months since we split? So do you feel still have chance?

            .

          • Kevin April 12, 2014, 10:11 am

            Yes, you do have a chance. There is always a chance she will move on during this time but I think it’s very less and it’s very important for you to do this no contact.

        • Kevin April 8, 2014, 11:26 am

          Yes, she does feel like it right now. But understand that she is angry. Do you remember any time when you were angry and you felt something was true. But then you calmed down and realize that it wasn’t. There is a chance if you follow no contact for 45 days and then send her the letter as described in the article.

          • lou April 8, 2014, 3:51 pm

            Ok thanks as its been 6 weeks already and now 45 days starting nc… what are chances off her moving on. and why would she tell me thats she isnt using the vouchers on anyone else but her mum

          • lou April 9, 2014, 3:59 pm

            She got in touch today saying she called me by accident. she wants me out her life for good shes had think about all the bad ive done and shes no longer sending the voychers. why she had change if heart and i havent replied or done anything shes saying she getting police too why one day cival nextt nast

          • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:08 am

            You have to stop answering her calls and apply no contact. Stop trying to figure out what her actions and her words mean. It will not help you in any way. Do as I told you to do.

          • lou April 10, 2014, 9:36 am

            Ok so no contact for 45 days then the letter?
            Do you still feel I have a chance as after 45 days will be almost 3 months since we split? So do you feel still have chance?

  • yivjean April 7, 2014, 5:38 am

    Hi,

    I am so terribly stressed out these past few days..Its been 3 months now since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. We had on and off relationship, he left me 2011 because he got married as part of their tradition and culture that has to be married with his cousin. I do missed him sometimes when i thought about him, but then last year he started to contact me again, and I shut him off. But because he was so persistent and that he was begging to me and he told a lot of stories, like he was so miserable with his unhappy married life and infact he told me that he wants me on his life. I was so adamant and hesitant of getting back together again because of his current situation and status…I don’t know maybe I pity him or love him and wanted him so badly also, that I agreed to go back with him.He is always initiated to contact me everyday, like he was the one who texted me first and manage to call me everynight and we talked on the phone every night..I believe everything what he said to me, he even told rubbish stories about his wife that made me think that he is really mesirable….I even encourage him to fix his problem with his wife and be more patient with her because maybe she is just seeking more attention or she was bored because she was just alone in the house and theres nothing else she can do… But then he just said that theres no way his wife will change, he even told that he is planning to divorce her because he is already feed up and sick with her… When we were together, I was so happy but often times I felt guilty and hate myself..He said that we will still get in touch..The wife just returned after two months, perhaps from vacation..And then after on, never heard from him again. I sent him an email, told him what i felt.. I even cursed him on the email that he made me fooled again and never receieved a reply from him..I felt so awful and angry to myself that i let him manipulated me and that he totally played me….He keeps coming back on me.. I don’t know if he keeps coming back because he wants to punish me for all the bad things i told him and he wants to hurt me again and again .. I just want your honest opinion on this situation of mine..

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:16 pm

      I think he is playing with you. Unless he leaves his wife, you should not get back with him. You should really consider moving on.

  • Kyle April 7, 2014, 4:32 am

    My ex broke up with me and I did EVERYTHING that I should not have. I even went as far as getting drunk and shooting and killing her pet that she had left at my house. Going through the legal part of that now.
    After I killed her pet I went even more nuts and sent her some very mean and nasty text messages. I wasn’t angry at her, I was angry at myself for what I had just done to her pet and I took it out on her.

    Ever since then there has not been a single day or night that where I don’t think about her… all the great times we had and that very horrible night that I wish never happened. it makes me sick to my stomach when I think about what I did to her pet.

    I am truly sorry and regretful for what I did to her and how I must have made her feel. I’ve tried to think about how badly I must’ve made her feel but it kills me inside knowing that it was me who made her feel that way.

    I’m not worried about any legal cconsequences. I’ve been to jail a couple times before and it NOTHING compared to the self-made punishment of knowing that I am the one who made her life hell after the breakup.

    In fact she even told me that she wasn’t going anywhere. She just needed a week or two to herself because college, work, family issues were getting to her. But instead of giving her that I went batshit crazy.

    The last thing I said to her was this text message while in cop car headed to psych ward… “I don’t care how religious you are you are still going to burn in hell with me”

    We have had no contact since that night… restraining order says so.

    When we were together there was one day we were in her car and I was telling her about bad things I did in the past. She said “you are the type of person I absolutely hate but for some reason I am deeply in love with you” she then put her hand on my leg and said “I feel like I am here to help you better yourself”

    Call me crazy but I have noticed a change in the way I see things now, the way I act, just overall am a happier person. While with her she noticed and is the ONLY person to look into my eyes and saw that I was filled with hate anger. She saw through the smiles and laughter. But since that night I no longer feel filled with hate anger. And the hate and anger I was filled with was not caused by her. It was never supposed to be directed at her or her pet.

    I still have the same feelings for her. I love her with my entire being. She ever needs anything…. or someone harms her…. I will be there.

    However regardless of my feelings for her still… they do not matter. I am pretty damn certain she does not feel the same way and wwon’t ever be with me again. But when restraining order is over I would like to meet up with her somewhere and explain to or try to explain to her what happened, why it happened, etc…. she deserves an explanation.

    What she also deserves is to be able to tell me to my face how she feels about me. And I would just sit there and let her say whatever she wants. Bitch me up one side and down the other. Slap me a few times…. whatever she wants to do she’s more than welcome to. Even if it means me hearing “I hate you and never want to see you or hear from you again. I dont even want to know you”

    If we never meet somewhere… and this is it for everything… I KNOW that great things are going to come into her life. I KNOW she is going to do great things with her life. That’s the kind of person she is. The time will come when she shines bright like the beautiful star she is. Unfortunately I won’t be by her side when it happens.

    Yes I know that was long, but as for your steps…. I did everything I was not supposed to and then even added more. We had little silly arguments about NOTHING and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING… lasted maybe 15-20 minutes then they were done and we’d do the making up thing and all was well. Like I said before she only left because she needed time and space to clear everything in her head. I mean she even told me “I am not saying goodbye. I am not going anywhere” come on she left all her things INCLUDING her pet here.

    But anyway if there’s a snowballs chance in hell of her and I being in eachothers lives again… even if only as friends… a miracle needs to happen in order for her to see me in a positive light again. One step at a time I’m moving forward to better myself. If we get back in eachothers lives… awesome! If we don’t well I have nobody to blame but myself.

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:14 pm

      Hey Kyle,

      As you already know, your chances are very less. But you can still try. If you get therapy during the no contact period, it’s going to improve your chances. She will see that you are getting help for your anger and she might consider giving you another chance. But again, your chances are less and you should not keep your hopes up. I wish you the best.

  • Gina April 6, 2014, 10:40 pm

    Dear Kev,

    I hope you’re well. Thank you for your responses! I find great comfort in reading your blog and when I break I always come here and read your articles.I rang my ex ‘s local number just to see whether he is back in the country and his phone rang. Later at night he has texted my sister asking me not to contact him again. When my mom rang he picked the phone and he talked to her. When she passed the phone to me he was screaming at me for sharing his cheating adventure with his aunt ( that aunt called me and asked what happened). Then his mom spoke to me and blamed me saying that I ruined everything by telling the story to her sister. She said we could have fixed things but I ruined every thing. He did everything to hurt me and found another girl and now his family is blaming for sharing what he did ( he cheated on me with a much older woman and now dating a 19 year old air hostess) . I think they are hurt cz their pride is hurt cz he just finished his medical training . Whatever he did to me I feel terrible to think that he hates me. He owes me some money and he wanted to know my bank details . He has texted my sister asking that and she has replied saying she ll pass the bank details of my parents. On Saturday , he sent me a msg asking for the details. I ignored his msg.I don’t know Kev, whatever I do , I miss him so much and I cant bear to think he hates me .Do guys hate their exes when they share their cheating stories? We were set to get married next year and my family is gutted after what happened. Please give me some advice.
    Thank you,
    Gina

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:01 pm

      Gina,

      I guess his pride is hurt. But I believe his anger and hate will go away with time if you apply no contact. I know you miss him but you need to learn to be happy in your life without your ex.

      • Gina April 7, 2014, 9:07 pm

        Thank you Kev! You are a star! :)

  • Gabriele April 6, 2014, 10:18 pm

    Hey Kevin!
    Im really not sure if these tricks will work because my problem is very very bad… well this guy I have been dating for a year and a half broke up with me like a month ago… yes did contact him right afterwards begging for him to take me back. I woupd even tell him I loved him he wpuld even say he still loved me to he just wasn’t intrested in me anymore. I texted him a lot and he told me we were completly done and that he didn’t want to date me again.(he also told to shut up once) because I was annoying him with the whole writting him letters to him thing. He really really likes another girl and I can see that she likes him to I think they are going to date soon while I still have very stromg feelings for him and I want him back:( I haven’t talked to him for 3 days trying to do the no-contact trick on him but honestly I don’t think he cares that I’m not talking to him I think he likes it better…is there any hope for us left? Do u think he still likes me? Will he ever go back out with me? I need help PLEASE Kevin?!

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 1:16 pm

      Yes, he does still like you and there is hope for you. Follow the plan.

    • Gabriele April 7, 2014, 10:32 pm

      Thank you so much Kevin I’ll try it and see how everything turns out in the end! You have finnally gave me some hope.
      Gabriele xx.

  • Leslie April 6, 2014, 6:59 pm

    Where do I find your response to my comment?

  • Tomass C April 6, 2014, 6:07 pm

    Hi Kevin

    Thanks for your recent advice. Just an update and hopefully you can provide some sort of further advice on best approach from here.
    Current thinking is, I am going to just leave it for a week or two, at which point I am heading overseas for 10 days? My goal is to make sure I am happy and oozing confidence by the time I get back and then get in touch again. That will give her time to think about me and wonder what I am doing in my ‘adventures’. FYI – Im not on Facebook or anything so she cant check in on me.
    Anyways, here is the email I sent Sunday morning after 30 days NC, followed by her response below……..
    =======
    Hi XXXX,
    Trust that this finds you well and enjoying life.
    Just wanted to say thanks for having the courage to speak up when you did. I agree, in the end we needed to walk away from how it was. Its a shame a simple misunderstanding can cost us everything but it was the right thing to do at the time and I accept that the relationship is over.
    In saying that, it was great in many ways and holds fond memories. Some of our holidays and adventures were fantastic – Bundeena, Jindabyne, Tassie, Bali, and Townsville were awesome – but things got a bit silly somehow. At first it hurt, but I’m fine now.
    So I want to apologise for the way I acted over the past few months. Sorry I kept trying so hard when I should have backed off. I let my heart rule my head. While proud of my don’t give in attitude, I must have looked desperate to you. I get it now, you just wanted space to deal with your feelings and thoughts.
    I stuffed it up bad. I wanted to bring joy and relief. I wanted you to know you were loved beyond doubt even in a tough time, not confuse you. Im sorry for the pain and confusion I caused Monie. I know I did it all wrong. Hope you can forgive me and forget it some time.

    So anyway, it’s been crazy times since we last spoke. My parents had a real set back out of nowhere, which was very sad and hard to understand. Apart from that though, so many exciting things are happening.
    The land deal is mind boggling in the current market. Ive had many little adventures, with one more big one coming up shortly. Some great opportunities have come out of nowhere. In a weird way it has worked out well for me. Funny how the world works sometimes.
    I hope its all going really well for you too. Im happy to catch up some time and hear about all of your new adventures, but Im not sure about right now. We both probably need a bit more time and space.
    Anyways, thought I’d try to keep this brief so take care. Speak soon.
    Tomass
    =======
    and her response 24 hours later first thing in the morning…

    Hey Tomass,
    Thank you for your email and I hope you are well too.
    Not sure what you mean about your folks, but I hope that it is sorted now and all are ok.
    Dont really want to write much as I’m getting emotional now.
    Take care of yourself and good luck in the games.
    XXXX
    =======

    Thanks again Kevin. Im a convert to your wonderful ways and look forward to a recommended plan of attack from here.

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 1:02 pm

      It looks pretty good. Your already have a pretty good plan of attack. Get back in touch with her when you return using the texts in the article.

  • KGee April 6, 2014, 5:37 pm

    Good day Kevin.
    I met my girlfriend, around May 2012, then after a month of getting to know each other, we started dating, it was nice, fun,went out on dates , movies, we called each other, we communicated using bbm SMS, our communication was solid and consistent, she told me how much she loves me, how happy and special I made her feel, I was her everything I was her first boyfriend, our first kiss was her kiss first kiss, she was my soul mate and I was hers, we wanted da same things, we wanted to grow together with a view for marriage when that time comes and we had blissful moments together, for her birthday I bought her a gift and wrote her a beautiful poem that made her shed tears, she was overjoyed and happy. So all this went on for 5months of pure love and romance, no fights no misunderstandings, there’s one time though where she confronted me to ask me if its true what she came across, apparently her friends went on my facebook account, and snooped at my profile looking for pictures, then they went to my pictures they saw a picture of me posing with another girl that was my girlfriend at the time it was taken, that was my high-school ex, so when that picture was taken it was way long ago before I met my current ex, plus I reassured her that nothing is going on, I didn’t lie I did say yes she’s my high-school ex thats all and I know its wrong for that picture to be still on my facebook, reason for that is that, I forgot to delete it immediately after I got into my new relationship with you, but ill delete it right away, she was like no don’t delete its ok,there’s nothing wrong, I insisted that yes I’m deleting it and yes indeed I deleted it, and I even came to report back that I deleted it to show her iv got nothing to hide, so she said ok, from the 6month things changed without any notice right out of the blue, after we finished writing our exams on that day we we’re supposed to meet but she didn’t pitch up, I called repeatedly,SMS and tested her no reply, that went on for 14days, up until I tested her a final sms, saying that I’m about to do something drastic because she’s leaving me no choice, that’s when she replied saying on that last day of the exams she got ill and even called her mom to come fetch and take her to school, so I believed her because she had a history of being in and out of hospital because she had asthma, so it all made sense to me as why she wasn’t replying my texts, ok so during December holidays I ask her if she passed she said yes but she was thinking of changing a course from BCom Accounting to BCom Finance, well I was happy that she passed and she was happy for me to as well, then as the weeks went on during the rest of December the silence started she started ignoring my calls, I even started thinking that maybe she has met someone new maybe this is her way of leaving me without telling it straight to my face, I ended up giving up on calling her. Then 2013 came, schools reopen on February, I’m looking forward to seeing her as we we’re doing the same course, the first week of Feb passes by, that seemed strange because I was suppose to see her in class, I look for her we’re she would waiting for her mom to come fetch her after school, I don’t see her period, I see her friends they say they don’t know we’re she is, but they say that probably something is not right with her, ok, then I remain patient but not losing hoping on her, then I start to text her asking her what’s happening with her because I’m worried sick about her, she doesn’t reply , I call my calls go unanswered, sometimes it rings and you can hear her dropping my call without answering it, sometimes it goes to voice mail. Then with my “not giving up” attitude and persistence, she ends up replying sending me an sms saying that “I’m sorry KGee,I can’t take this pain anymore it really hurts,I know you care and love me a lot but I’m not ok, I wanted to say these are my last words to you, Goodbye KGee” after reading that text repeatedly I felt like I was day dreaming my world came to a stand all that went through my mind was that, my girl is probably committing suicide or leaving me and there’s nothing I can do about it,as I don’t have the power to stop what she was about to do, cause one would think of suicide for such an sms. Then I seeked help urgently went to my mentor, and told this lady that I’ve probably lost my girl and there’s nothing I can do about it, because she did’nt give me the chance to talk her through it not to leave me like this. So I asked my girl, that can she give me a chance to help her, then I fetched her and took her to my mentor with the hope that she’ll confess whatever that’s bothering her to this lady, because she couldn’t tell me what was up with her. So I gave them privacy and they spoke and she confessed, after that then I took her home, then later my mentor said even though I promised your not to tell you but I’m going to tell you because I can see that you’ll probably never know hence I know your desperate to know whatsapp with her, because I know how much you love, then my mentor told me that your girlfriend didn’t go well on her results regarding her exam, she failed her course by majority of subjects and she’s been degraded to a lower qualification from a degree to a national diploma and she’ll be doing that diploma at a different campus but same university, so that did’nt sit well with her and her parents aren’t happy with that, they are disappointed , so she feels she has led down her parents and you KGee aswell, she felt you we’re going to judge her if she told you, ok I understood and I promised my mentor I was goin to be there for her through thick and thin, I won’t neglect her because she wasn’t just a girl to me but more than a girl, she was my potential future wife that’s how much I loved her. Ok, then things seemed to get slightly back on track because she wasn’t ignoring my texts anymore, then April came my birthday, she called me midnight just so she can be the first one to say happy birthday, later during my birthday, she sent me an sms wishing me happy birthday, and we spoke non-stop using bbm social network. Then as the weeks went by the silence and ignoring of my calls and SMS started. I thought things were going to get better but clearly not started back from scratch. Ok, Then came May I asked her friends what’s wrong, at first they did’nt want to tell me but ended up telling me, they said she is dating another guy, I’ did’nt believe them, because I know my girl better than anyone, that’s when they showed me a picture of her posing next to a girl, I did’nt know whether to still refuse to believe or believe it because tell it better than words, but you friends can fabricate lies to suit the situation, because surely they know I was desperate for any information, as long that information is going to explain all this silence and ignoring of my calls SMSs and texts. So I wouldn’t know if they told me a lie or the truth. Ok, on the 8th of May 2013, she sent me a hot SMS saying ” I’m sick of you KGee and all those that are involved, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore” and den I replied but mine was not so harsh because I said ” how could you do me like that after all the things I did for you by loving, caring and being supportive for you” and then I attached that picture of her posing with that dude to show her that now I know what she’s been up to, and obviously she knows that picture could come from her friends. Then replied again to my sms, she said “you go believing what people say and stuff, boys r really stupid and stuff”. Then I did’nt reply to her sms, because I was done period, because instead of her apologizing for what she did, instead she makes me look like a bad guy after all I did for her nd being there for her this is the thanks I get. So I was done because I deleted her from whatsapp,bbm and deleted her digits, no contact what so ever, then came June during exams as I was studying, she texts on my whatsapp saying “HI” I was surprised because I could see that its her as I still even remember her digits, I did’nt know what’s to do, but because I was still angry I ignored it, then around August I texted her to tell her that ill be giving back her books she borrowed me to her friends to give to her, she replied by “KGee your so rude you don’t even greet, I don’t want anything to do with you, you can keep those books” I replied by “well then I guess I put them in the rubbish bin, I thought maybe u still feel remorse but clearly I was wrong because you giving me this attitude as if I hurt you or cheated on you which I did’nt, last time I checked you and I aren’t a couple so why should I greet you like I used to”. Then that was it then came September her birthday, I felt the urge to say happy birthday to her as by that time I had already made peace with myself and having accepted what had happend even thought I still care for her because she said happy birthday to me at the time, so I texted her but I kept it very short, I said “Happy Birthday Lebo”. She kindly replied by saying “Thank you very much, I really appreciate it with a smiley face icon next to her text. Then came November exams last year, I felt the urge to wish her good luck for her exams as I did’nt want what happend to her to happen again. The replied kindly saying “thank you KGee, I really appreciate it, and wishing you best of luck to you to KGee”. Then came the new year, I felt the urge to make a reconciliation, so I called her and I forgave her for what she has done whether its true or not, and I also asked her for forgiveness if there’s something I did unintentionally, and I said sorry and I also said I’m to accept her sorry aswell, because I want to put the past in the past, and begin this year with a clear heart and mind and I said I love her, then she said she’ll get back to me, after the call she replied by texting me on whatsapp saying “that she also forgives me and accepts my apology, and that she hopes ill forgive her, she knows she hurt me real bad, etc…. So we from there we spoke normally, I asked her how is she and how’s her life treating her, and she said “life’s ok, she’s getting better and feels better” and she asked me how was I and I said I’m ok not bad at all but, after all that has happend, I still have a hard time forgetting completely what happend hence I still do miss her” and she said “you will be fine KGee through time, your goin to be ok” and she said “I know its hard which is why I don’t want to go to all that drama that happend with her friends and that picture that showed her posing with another dude, and she further said I’ve learnt to be happy with what I have” ,So I thought with that being said at least we will have just general chats, so as I carried talking to her on some days, I saw that she’s like reverting back to the silence and not answering my chats, but I managed to ask her that “is there a chance for us whether be it now, somewhere during this year, or next year or two years after of 5years down the line or whenever? And she said “Yes” but she did’nt elaborate further , so because I felt her yes wasn’t convincing, I felt that maybe she said yes because she knows that’s what I want to hear ,so I carried on texting to know what this yes means then she was cold, so I further texted as I wasn’t getting any reply after that yes,so I told her that I do understand IF there’s another guy in the picture because a lot of time has passed since we drifted apart without no communication, as it wouldn’t come as a surprise that maybe she’s dating, she replied by saying ” What guy are you talking about, there’s no guy in the picture, I’m not that type of a girl” and I said I did’nt say u dating I said that ” IF ever there’s a guy I do understand why u don’t want that there be no communication” she didn’t reply up until the day she texted and said “KGee it doesn’t mean because we forgave each other therefore there should be communication between us, so please don’t call, SMS or text me again”. So Kevin what do you think happend right there with her or the both of us, did I maybe contribute unintentionally for her to drift away from me, or did her friends set her up, or did she lose feelings for me or did she stop loving me, does she even still love me right now, is there hope for us in the near future, because I want to get her back and keep her for good, but only if that’s what she wants? What happend right there please shed some light because till today I don’t know what happend I can’t seem to connect the dots?

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 12:43 pm

      You are overthinking everything. She is young and confused. It’s possibly that even she doesn’t know what made her lose attraction to you. But the fact is, she did drift apart. And you two didn’t really have a strong relationship to begin with. You are young as well. The best thing for you to do is apply no contact and start dating other girls. Explore your options for the next 5-6 months. Meet new girls, have fun and enjoy your life. If after six months you still want to be with her, then contact her.

      • KGee April 7, 2014, 4:56 pm

        Thank you for your replying to my email, I have more questions after what you said, do you think that I still stand a chance of winning her heart back, do you also think that she still loves me and thinks about me? Because remember in the email, I said I asked her that is there a chance for us to get back together whether be it now or during this year, or next year or whenever, she replied by “Yes” but she didn’t give a time duration, and after me trying to further text her, she said it doesn’t mean because we forgave each other we should therefore have an ongoing communication, and then she said please don’t call, sms or text me again, so from this do you think she means that she’ll never be my girlfriend again in the near future or long term or that she’s applying no contact rule with the aim of clearing her mind of the negative things associated with the break-up, so that mayb she can miss me and then hopefully re-instate the communication back on.

        • Kevin April 8, 2014, 10:34 am

          Honestly, I think your chances are slim. And I really can’t say if she loves you or thinks about you since your relationship was a very short relationship.

          • KGee April 8, 2014, 1:49 pm

            Anyway thank you Kevin for your advice and opinions. I guess ill leave it in Gods hands, if she does’nt come back then its ok, I guess its life because I would’ve tried my utmost best.

          • KGee April 9, 2014, 11:42 am

            Hey Kevin
            I want to know why does she still have my numbers on her phone therefore she still has my contact on whatsapp, why does she keep them if she ordered me to cease communication with her. Why doesn’t she just delete them if its clear that my chances of getting her back are slim.

          • Kevin April 9, 2014, 1:41 pm

            You are overthinking things. Don’t try to analyze everything she is doing and everything she is not doing. Concentrate on yourself.

  • Jay April 6, 2014, 5:16 pm

    Hi Kevin, My fiance split up due to family issues, my family were really hard on her due to my sisters breakup with her fiance a few months ago. My x works with my sisters x so he’s filling her head with bad things about my family. The main reason my x broke up with me was I think pressure from her mom to maybe break it off with me. We were in so much love and I hope we still are..I did see her message a guy from her work a few times that also has a girlfriend. She said to me that she needed time and space to clear her head from all my family drama, I told her that I would spend time with her and not worry about my family, lets work on our relationship..she said no, wanted me to move out. she still tells me she loves me and that I’m the one for her.

    What should I do? I still have my car at our old house, engagement / wedding ring etc.. How do I get her back? I spoke to her the other day and was a little angry and short, she didnt like that at all..I did make the mistake of sending her photo’s and telling her I missed her etc..I cant start the 30 days of no contact because I have to organize all my stuff to get moved back to my other house.

    Help me :(

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 12:38 pm

      Get your stuff, then start no contact. She needs space and time, and you should give it to her.

  • Ascend April 6, 2014, 4:46 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I’ve been following your guide and it actually worked. Me & my ex are back in a relationship, and not only that, she actually suggested we get back together and work on our past problems during one of the “fun dates” phase.

    This guide is absolutely amazing, because the guide ‘knows’ what you’re going through. The whole ‘don’t beg, don’t give them affection’ part goes against anything you feel the moment you get dumped, but it really does make sense. This is what every person should read, over and over again, should he/she get dumped.

    There are a few things I’d like to add. First I think this guide should be called “How to get your ex back or move on”, because I believe it’s the same procedure. I say it because in my opinion the most important part of this guide is the No Contact and the whole “Work on yourself” thing. These two together are the most important steps for both moving on and getting your ex back.

    Thank you very much!

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 12:12 pm

      Thanks Ascend. I am glad it worked out for you.

  • thatiana April 6, 2014, 4:01 pm

    hi kevin,
    ok my boyfriend broke up with me February 4, it was fast how he contacted saying that we still spending valentines days together. i told him no we not and just stop answering him. then a few days later he contacted me again and i was actually ignoring him…he finally came out of his shell and express how he feels that hes not ready to lose and wont let me walk out his life like that… so i told him to give me time ill hear him in a few…the next day i contacted him trough facetime and we end up seeing each other but i refuse to go to his house…so he got mad and said hes going to stop chasing after me…i told him i just cant give him my all after he done something like that he needs to prove that it wont be the same….we was good for a while , around march we end up not talking again he block me on instgram, so i text him saying why you block me on instagram he told me not to worry about him, that hes not worry about me i could do what i have to do…i stop responding, i went on vacation, then again he text me, i replied, with no feelings involve this time asking what happen?…hes like i just want to talk to you and im like ok talk…seen him end up talking about our relationship problem again…went back to ignoring him..then he text me i was having a regular conversation…then i stop replying and answered him 3 days later, but never got no reply or nothing and my phone is off too….yesterday he text me asking for his room key, and how he called me and thought i was forwarding his phone calls how would he know that my phone was off..and im like my phone is off so how would i notice your calls…anyways when he came by my house this time he asked my cousin to bring the key to him, and i texted him u so immature you will never grow up or when will you grow up? he responded saying how am i immature what i do? i just express how i felt about everything….he never answered…so whats the next step i should take honestly to get him back this time for real, because i know i mess up and couple ways like by ignoring his text and texting him back….PLease let me know what to do based on my situation and by the way he is very immature.

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 12:12 pm

      Follow the plan. Start no contact again.

  • Leslie April 6, 2014, 3:52 pm

    Kevin,
    My ex and I split 7 days ago. He wasn’t ready to make me a priority or to really settle down. I made the mistake of crying and questioning everything but as soon as I drove away I wouldn’t respond to his msgs. I made the mistake of checking his emails yesterday and finding out that he has put himself on some sex search web sites. I ended up contacting him today and telling him to change his passwords so I could no longer do this.
    I then msgd him to tell him to get help instead of taking the avenue that he is to make himself feel better.
    I ended the conversation by thanking him for the break up and letting him know that I agree with it now and only want the best for him in life.
    I am starting the n/c all over again cause I failed with bad habits and I’ve noticed you repeatedly tell everyone to start the n/c over again when they have a hiccup.
    How likely are my chances now that after 30 days this will work if I whole heartedly follow your advice?

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 12:09 pm

      You have a good chance. But why would you want to be with someone who isn’t ready to make you a priority. This plan is not necessarily going to make him change. If you are ready to settle down, then I’ll recommend you move on. But anyways, it’s not for me to decide. You will have to make this decision in the 30 days of no contact.

  • KGee April 6, 2014, 3:04 pm

    May I drop my story here Kevin, so you can give me your expert advice?

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 12:07 pm

      Yes, you may.

  • Sam April 6, 2014, 2:06 pm

    My ex says she doesn’t want me anymore, I’ve tried everything but I don’t know what else to do, the thought of her and another man kills me, I can’t sleep, can’t eat I just can’t not text her!

  • Nick April 6, 2014, 11:39 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I am looking for some advice on how to re-establish contact with my ex. To give you an idea of our situation; we were together for 4 1/2 years and overall I would say that our relationship was good. Many of the core problems of our relationship were my fault, she was always very supportive and went out of her way to do things for me; I didn’t really reciprocate and that’s what lead to us breaking up. I guess you could say I was a bit selfish and didn’t really see it. We broke up last November and we really haven’t been in contact that much over the winter, other than a couple text messages asking how each other is doing. Funny thing is I think that these few months apart have been a learning experience and it has helped me to realize what I did wrong and what kind of person I was with. I would like to try to re-establish contact and show her that I have changed. Can you offer any help? Thanks

    Nick

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 11:43 am

      Nick, It’s great that you’ve used these months to realize what went wrong and learn from it. I think you should contact her using the letter mentioned in the article.

  • Frank April 6, 2014, 10:05 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I know that you endorse Relationship Rewind so here’s the question: Is it really useful? I’m really skeptical about this because of the comments of others and some reviews look too good to be true.

    Here is also my sit rep. I met this girl sometime in January, we’re both in college, and after a few weeks of knowing her I told her I liked her and she also told me back that she also liked me. This happened on February 10 which is also her birthday and the first time we kissed. She told me she can’t have any relationships because of her promise to her deceased father but we still meet each other like we were couples. On March 9, I told her that I loved her. I know it looks too soon but I didn’t like saying “I really like you” because it sounded plain. She didn’t reply though but she was still happy about it. We were still together as usual and she was sometimes sweet by bringing me breakfast. It was the best feeling that I ever had. By this time we were on 2nd base. Then on March 21 we went to a party and I saw her text this guy which she told was her best friend(not gay), “You’re the only one that I’m clingy with”. So my natural response was being pissed but I didn’t tell her so I drank my sorrows away then I got drunk. While I was drunk, she accidentally fell and she got really wounded. I got really pissed at myself for not catching her. So I told her I was really sorry but she replied that it wasn’t my fault. So I assumed that everything was okay until March 23. She stopped replying by 7:30pm and I got really worried so I texted her if she was mad at me, I even told her I miss her. Then the next day, she texted me that she was really busy and said sorry but there was no emoticons in her text. So I went to the nearest flower shop and bought her flowers saying get well soon and I’m sorry. I thought everything was okay after I gave her flowers. Then on March 26 we talked about the situation of our relationship and she told me that she was now unsure of her feelings towards me but she also told me that there are no other guy she liked besides me. So I thought we were okay, I have never been so wrong in my life. Came the next day, we still had our routine dinner but this time she didn’t want me to escort her going to the bus stop so I got pissed and walked out almost getting hit by a car. After I cooled down I asked her if I did something wrong then she replies with “sorry. goodnight”. So I was really worried, so I texted her in the morning that I’m really sorry, If you still want to continue what we have I’m here for you. and so on. She replied later in the evening saying she was still unsure of her feelings and she needs time. Then on April 4, she gave me the talk. She was still unsure of her feelings but this time she told me that she likes me but as a friend. I thought I would really be devastated but I wasn’t. It was like a heavy weight on my shoulders was lifted. So we said our goodbyes and hugged her for the last time saying I’ll still wait for you but she told me not to though. haha. I thought I was fine, but boy I was wrong. She sent me a long letter in which she expounded on our talk awhile ago. I’ll just summarize her letter, She told me that she wasn’t really good in confrontation and that what she said was still not enough. Her feelings started to juggle when she heard me say I love you, and also stated that she wanted to tell me too but never delivered. She thought about why she didn’t tell me and told me her feeling hasn’t developed yet. She also stated that maybe she was afraid of having deeper feelings towards another person but it may be different for me. She said that she felt happy so planned on still staying with me. Then as time progressed her feelings diminished and her exact words were: ” the longer we spent time with each other, the more and more I felt indifferent. I know this seems unfair, you never once failed to make me feel loved. But I know deep inside me that if I ever do continue on with our relationship, I will only make things worse and will probably end up hurting you even more. That’s why I’ve decided to end it earlier. I’m really sorry.” She told me that she really liked me and she was genuine in our relationship. Then she told me all the things that she loved about me. She said that “God knows I’ve tried my best to keep the love alive. But it just wasn’t there. Once I’m certain of my own feelings, there’s nothing I can really do to change it.” She even called her self an a*****e for giving me less than what I deserved. And ended it by saying that she hopes that I’ll find someone better and she would always be there for me. From this point, I haven’t replied. I also forgot to mention that I met with her mother and she gave me the talk on Valentines. I went to her place to give cupcake flowers and something I made out of paper.

    I’m really confused now, I thought it was over but she just had to send me a letter. The letter made me realize that in fact, I’m really in love with her. I still want to get back to our relationship, hoping you would be kind enough to help. And if I follow your no contact rule, what do I do if we do unintentionally bump to each other?

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 11:41 am

      Hey,

      From what I read, it seems she got turned off because you were trying to too hard to make the relationship work and were acting kind of needy. If you bump into her during no contact, just treat her like an acquaintance. Don’t talk to her for more than five minutes and excuse yourself saying you have to get somewhere.

    • Kevin April 7, 2014, 11:41 am

      Oh, and relationship rewind is actually quite effective. It’s very useful when it comes to contacting your ex after no contact and it’s also extremely useful in understanding the real reason why they broke up and fixing it.

      • Frank April 8, 2014, 12:27 am

        Thanks for the advice, hope I could make this workout. :)

        • Frank April 8, 2014, 12:29 am

          So do I just follow your guide? :)

          • Kevin April 8, 2014, 11:15 am

            Yes.

  • Jaici April 6, 2014, 8:10 am

    Hey Kevin,
    I was just wondering, do you have any success stories you could share ? Also how did you come up with this plan ?

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 12:03 pm

      Yes, I have a testimonials page over here. I read a lot of books on relationships, psychology, breakups, and even on getting your ex back. I had a website before this one that had an earlier version of this plan. It wasn’t as detailed as this one but it got me a lot of feedback over the past two and a half years which helped in development of this plan and the articles on this website. And obviously, my own breakup had a role in all of this.

  • jenny April 6, 2014, 3:41 am

    two months ago,my boyfriend broke up with me after being together for one and a half year because we live in different towns and he told that I should focus on my career and not destroy everything for him. few days after the break up , he sent me a letter explaining the reasons of our break up and saying that he will always love,he will always have a photo of me in his pocket but he is not happy anymore. I texted a lot in order to convince him but i got no replies. I haven’t sent him for a month. since we still live in different towns, do I have a chance?

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:52 am

      Yes, send him the letter and then text him again.

  • Joanne G April 6, 2014, 3:36 am

    I was with a guy for a little over a year. During the entire time this guy acted like he absolutely adored me. Whenever we were together he was attached to me and believe me he initiated that – I wasn’t clingy at all. We had so much fun together and never even had a single fight. For our 1-year anniversary I made him a photobook filled with all our pics together from the past year and wrote in it “hoping this is the first of many more happy years to come.” About 2 weeks later he breaks up with me and tells me he doesn’t see us ever getting married even though I never brought up the subject. It came out of nowhere and after he spent the entire weekend with me. That was 4 months ago. During this time I did not contsct him at all other than to wish him happy holidays and a happy birthday. He just emailed me out of the blue to check on me. I responded and he has responded back again. I’m waiting a day or so to respond back again. What steps should I take next? And should I even bother? He’s 49, never been married, lives at home, and his longest relationship is 4 years….

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:51 am

      Well, I think you should respond and then eventually setup a date. It seems he is interested again. It could be he is second guessing his decision.

  • Nightly April 6, 2014, 2:24 am

    Hey Kevin,

    Thanks for this program. I signed up hoping to improve myself and maybe not go after my ex-GF…

    It’s now 4 days after breakup.
    1. Could a girl do breakup to test you out? Because I told her I sometimes feel numb for her…this numb/doubt might come from within myself (self worth, first time, afraid, high expectations, etc…but I always instantly smiled when we met…).
    Actually this went really stupid. She gave me some alone-time to think. When after 3 days I realized I wanted to continue with her, she broke up… I can’t remember if I told her I totally wanted to go for us because I froze when she told me.
    As reason for breakup she said I need to improve myself because currently I make her unhappy.
    I feel like she might want me back when I’m ‘patched up’ but this feels cheap because one week earlier she said she even ‘want to stay with me if I ever become disabled…’

    2. One day after breakup she texted me ‘she hopes I understand why she did this and she still loves me ‘unconditionally.” I really don’t understand this because she clearly states conditions…

    3. During no contact…is a Whatsapp status update allowed? I guess not.

    Thanks & Regards!
    Nightly.

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:49 am

      1. Yes. It’s not a sign of a healthy relationship, but yes they do.
      2. She doesn’t want you to move on, it seems.
      3. I guess it’s allowed as long as you are not trying to send an indirect message to your ex by changing your status.

      • Nightly April 6, 2014, 2:05 pm

        Hey Kevin,

        1. What exact strategy do you suggest?
        Because, if she actually is testing and I do no contact…and she is like ‘I try no contact to see if he really misses me’ then we both miss the boat or not?

        3. Concerning Whatsapp status…I already entered one indirect message on breakupday, but changed it the day after to a (non-needy) motivator. :)

        Best regards & thanks again!
        Nightly.

        • Kevin April 7, 2014, 11:53 am

          1.You should contact her after no contact is over. So, you won’t miss the boat.

          2. That’s alright. Just don’t do it again.

          • Nightly April 9, 2014, 2:49 am

            Ok Kevin thank you!

            I’m working on self improvement really hard! Chances are I won’t contact her after no contact.

            Good luck to everyone who wants their ex back, I feel your pain.

          • Kevin April 9, 2014, 12:55 pm

            I wish you the best Nightly.

  • Nathaniel April 6, 2014, 12:50 am

    Hi Kevin, my girlfriend and I had a break up but I begged to give me last chance. I begged and begged… then she accepted me. Before it happened, she has lots of problems. The morning before our fight, i stalked her on twitter and found out that she’s already awake and still not yet texting me. I messaged her for about 4 messages, an interval 5min each message. Then she replied angrily and said she wants to be alone and want her space back. She had said too many and at the end of it was about breaking up.
    Now, she’s on her OJT, and we’re far from each other. We’re still in a relationship but everything is cold. I don’t know what to do until I read your article. I was on my Day 3, should I continue the No contact rule? she texted me only once and said she watched a heartbreaking movie and made her sad. I didn’t reply her, is it okay? I need your help. Thankss

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:47 am

      If you’re already together, don’t apply no contact. You need to stop being needy and still be in touch with her. Just be a pleasant person. If you think you need some space and time, tell her you need some time and keep no contact for a week.

  • Stef April 6, 2014, 12:21 am

    what if during the time of thew no contact rule your ex keeps constantly calling you and texting you and looking for ways to talk to you and he starts telling you he “freaking love”s you and saying he doesn’t know why he broke up with you since he still loves you and sends you a long letter and asks you to please give him another chance ?and etc but the 30 days haven’t ended and while ignoring him you see him cry for you and since i have to see him everyday since we go to school together and have one class together everyday and he just happens to show up everywhere im at while im ignoring him…then what should i do???

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:45 am

      If you want to get back together, then talk to him. But don’t give in to it immediately. Play it cool and make sure he really means it and he is not doing it simply because he misses you.

  • Justin April 5, 2014, 11:21 pm

    Kevin,
    I know it probably doesn’t mean anything, but I’m on day 4 on no contact and my ex just texted me this. “I know you probably don’t want to hear from me after that phone call, but I just wanted to make sure you’re ok. I’m sorry if I’m waking you or if you’re out and I’m bothering you.This is really hard & I’m sorry. Don’t know what it means. Need advice

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:43 am

      She is just feeling guilty. Doesn’t really mean anything. Don’t reply and follow the plan.

  • sean April 5, 2014, 9:23 pm

    im sean, a 23 year old working boy dating a 21 year old college girl . but now my gf broke up with me due to that i could not tolerate and be supportive to her college activities . she said that she has no more feeling towards me. she was darn busy ever since she join the activities until that 1 day i got mad and i scolded her terribly. after that, i did actually beg her to come back to me and she gave me 1 last chance . 2 days later she said that she decided to let it go, the feeling was not rite anymore. Its been 3 weeks i did not contact her until last fri on the 4th april 2014 i gave her a call and ask to meet up dat nite at my house. she agreed but she ask 1 of my best friend and so called her “brother” from another mother to tag along….so once they arrive, i did ask her couple of question regarding on our relationship. it looks to me that she had decided to move on .. and i could see the way she talks to me very diff from the way that she talk to my best friend.. its like im being ignored.. non existing anymore.. Before the break up or during our relationship , there were not that close but after that things change. later on, i gave her a hand written letter that i wrote and a necklace that i made by myself . she was like darn cold and non responsive at all. thus, im not sure whether she read the letter or not .. need ur advice .. should i just move on?? or should i start over the 5-step plan again? should i start over the no contact rule?? i dont seem to want to lose this girl ><

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:41 am

      Well Sean,

      At this point I’ll recommend you should move on. You shouldn’t have given her a necklace with the letter. It defeats the purpose of the letter. I don’t think you actually followed the 5 step plan. If you decide to pursue her again, start no contact again, and this time use the texts.

      • Sean April 6, 2014, 8:16 pm

        kelvin,

        Ok thanks.. and i just want to ask your opinion. On this 20th april 2014 there is a blood donation event coming up.. and im going for that donation which she will be attending too.. how am i suppose to face her when i decide to pursue her again? i already started to apply the no contact rule 2 days back.

        • Kevin April 7, 2014, 1:07 pm

          Just be pleasant around her and if you speak to her, keep the conversation short. Treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.

          • Sean April 7, 2014, 8:39 pm

            kelvin,

            okie thank you very much … so kelvin, the hand written letter that i wrote to her was kinda failure.. but this time u ask me to use text after NO contact rule, and what content im suppose to write in the text ?? >< any clue or examples??

          • Kevin April 8, 2014, 10:52 am

            Use the texts in the article.

  • Kirsty April 5, 2014, 3:20 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    Am feeling quite low and confused and haven’t written to anyone before. My ex and I have been on/off for 18months. In November he ended things saying he wasn’t ready for the commitment, but it was his best friend and he didn’t want to loose me. Since then he blows hot and cold practically every week. Sometimes I get nice messages, sometimes horrible ones….sometimes none at all. He’s 23 and I’m 26. Part of me feels right guy wrong time. I get the impression he’s a bit freaked out about how he feels (hence th hot and cold). My question is, as I think he now be seeing someone new / talking to a few girls….as this has been going on for so long, if I do start 30 days no contact as of now, do I stand a chance of him coming back? Or have I lost him for good? I really could do with some direction and a plan rather than this feeling of being lost and confused. Please help! Kirsty

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:16 am

      Yes, you have a chance if you start no contact. Even if you stay in touch with him, he is going to continue talking to those girls, so don’t try to stop him from doing that.

    • Deepanshu April 14, 2014, 12:48 am

      Hi Kevin..

      i did all mistakes that u listed above..Plz help me to get back my ex..she started a new relation..but now she had break up..i texted her on regular basis..but she not repliy,,…if i follow all ur steps now..at this stage.. are they working?

      • Kevin April 14, 2014, 12:55 pm

        Yes, they will work.

  • Edward April 5, 2014, 12:52 pm

    Hey,
    I’m really missing my ex-girlfriend, we’ve broke up at 14 of February and I couldn’t find out the reason of our break up yet, she refused the valentine gift, I’ve tried to contact her that day but nope.. she ignored my texts/calls, I got so upset and I had to break up with her, I think this was her choice.
    We never had any problem before, I’ve spent days and nights thinking what I did wrong but I just can’t find anything, probably she’s just bored of me or dunno..
    After we broke up, I contacted her after a week or more, I just wanted to know how is she doing and such.. and after that she didn’t even look after me till her birthday came (a month later), I was holding myself to not wish her a happy birthday cause she doesn’t even look after me, but I couldn’t handle it, I wrote her a text at night and I apologized for being late. She replied on that text but I didn’t text her back.
    Now I really want to get back with her, I mean I meet her sometimes at high school but we just smile at each others and continue our way, we didn’t spoke IRL after we broke up.
    So yeah, it’s pretty messed up, but could you please help me Kevin? I mean could you give me some suggestions of what to do to get her back?
    Thanks.

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:14 am

      Just follow the plan Edward. Everything you need is in the article. She is young and confused and so are you. I’ll suggest you at least date a few other girls before you try to get back with her.

  • mosh rose April 5, 2014, 11:25 am

    hi
    thank you for this guide, i hope it works for me.
    but my situation is unclear so i will love your thoughts about it:

    my girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years. during the 2 years period we lived together for 1.5 years.
    i am 33 years old, she is 23 years old.
    in spite the age differences we had great love and everything seemed to be working really good.
    a couple of months ago she broke up with me , telling me she feels that she wants to explore life more, try new things, maybe travel, maybe traveling , but then after 1 week she came back because she loved me and wanted to try regardless of her wishes , of course i offered her my full support with whatever she want to do and will try to be by her side and will not let the relationship stand in her way.
    since then time went by and a week ago i got home from work and she broke up with me ,it was a complete surprise for me as things where going really good.
    this time she tole me that she cannot escape her desire to be alone, she is maybe thinking on going to live in a different country, maybe she will start her degree in a far place, she want to try new things, to just be by herself and search inside her soul what she really wants. she does not know how much time it will take, maybe 6 months , maybe 1 year, maybe 2…
    after the brake up she moved back to her parents house and we scheduled to meet up and finish the relationship with a good talk.
    she asked me not to ask for her to stay because she is determined.
    last night 5 days after the brake up, we met at my flat. we drank wine, talked about the past , complimented each other, i told he i believe in her and i thank her for everything. she told me im amazing and if she was a little older there is no way she would have let me go we laughed and when i told her that i am not going to ask her to stay because im 33 and want stability in my life she started to cry after much wine and talking we went to bed and had amazing sex, out of control and full with passion.
    then she left , i texted her that i had a great time, and she answered that she had a great time and that she is happy we met and left a sweet memory from this realansioship.
    after all of this.. do you think there is a chance for a comeback? i love her so much, i think that she loves me as well , she say she does but im not sure if out of habit or real love.
    you think that if i wait 1 month and get back in touch with her maybe she realise by then she made a mistake?
    what should i do?
    thanks.

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 9:59 am

      If you follow the plan, there is definitely a chance she will come back. But I recommend you give her at least 5-6 months to explore herself. If you don’t she will always have this at the back of her mind and she will never be 100% committed to you.

      • mosh rose April 8, 2014, 1:46 am

        thank you for the reply kevin!

        there is a recent devolopment:

        she called me sunday night, crying, telling me she is coming to pick all her stuff tommorrow (yestrday) , i was cool during the conversation, and she asked me how i am doing, telling me its hard for her, and saking me how was my day and other questions..
        after 40 minutes talk i did a mistake and asked her if she want me to come and pick her up for a sleep over. she said its very tempting but she cant and then said she will come tusday night (tonight).
        yestrday she picked all of her stuff , i was at work , she called me after telling me she left the key and took everything, i asked if we are meeting today and she said it will not be good for her but she will come on friday night, i ansewrd her that if she does not want to come i will dont want it to be out of preusure or somthing . and she said that she wants to come.
        i want to see her and be with her (yes also sex). but i feel that maybe she it will make like more easy for her and not for me… mabye it will help her gradully move on instead of doing it in one go.
        or maybe im wrong, and meeting her having a nice date fun time , great sex will give me back a chance of winning her over?
        im confused , please tell me what you think.
        i want to get her back.. and want to do the maximum i can for it .
        thank you!

        • Kevin April 8, 2014, 11:19 am

          As long as you don’t show any signs of neediness, you will not make it easier for her to move on.

  • James April 5, 2014, 10:45 am

    Kevin
    I’m 41 and my wife is 33 we have been together for 8 and I have a step son 10 . We have spilt up in mid January and have went thought no contact expend about see the boy. Now we have talk here and there about her coming home, but the the next time we talk she say she not ready to and she goes back and froths about how she feels it depends who’s around so what do I do from here? She as a mental disorder and I just not ready to give up on her yet how do I make this work? Thanks james

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 9:51 am

      I am sorry you are going through this James. Is she getting help for her condition? If not there is nothing you can do unless she decides to get help herself.
      I think the best thing for you to do is give her a few months. You should speak to a lawyer to see if you can take any legal action regarding the well being of your son.

      • James April 6, 2014, 10:22 pm

        Kevin thanks I have talk with a lawyer because I’m not his biological father there is nothing I can do. She is only taking meds and not talk to anyone about it. She say it’s under control but it not. Thanks I really want to make my marriage to work. I have been working on myself and trying to have little contacted. Thanks again james

      • James April 7, 2014, 9:48 am

        Kevin
        I just found out that my wife is on a dating site and but she has been saying she wants to stay married but not ready to come home. I have made mistakes but I just don’t like being lied to.

  • Tom April 5, 2014, 9:03 am

    No response yet

  • Jenn April 5, 2014, 8:49 am

    Hi Kevin,
    So my ex and I broke up almost a week ago. I realize that I was very controlling and manipulative during the relationship because of codependency problems and love addiction (I keep jumping from relationship to relationship). I have a fear of intimacy and many insecurities that I know I need to work on. The end of our relationship was incredibly difficult because there was constant fighting and it was very stressful. I apologized to him for my behavior throughout our relationship because I realize that in many ways, I am at fault (and he apologized for it first, so I felt obligated to let him know it’s not his fault and he shouldn’t feel bad).
    He was very nervous about making sure we stay friends, because he really cares about me (I’m his best friend). We’ve known each other for 4 years, but dated for 7 months or so. Anyways, he messaged me earlier today and we spoke for about two hours. At first, it was a fun, friendly conversation as we used to have when we were friends. However, then I started asking him what he was doing this summer, and if he would be willing to do things with me. He says he wants to remain platonic. I asked him if he still had feelings for me, and he said that he did, but he wants to keep them at bay because of the recent experience with our break up and the constant stress he felt. He says he doesn’t want to fall into the trap again and repeat the whole cycle all over again. I asked him if he would get back with me after I got better, and he said no. He doesn’t want to be with me in the immediate future. He also doesn’t want me to think that he’s some reward after I’ve improved myself. I really want to be with him. He said that he doesn’t know right now, but he doesn’t want to do anything other than “just be friends” this summer because he’s afraid of being in a relationship with me again; he wants to avoid the pain. He seems very calm and collected for someone who’s going through his first breakup, and he’s been very positive. He tells me about how he also enjoys being single because he can live his life the way he wants to without having to worry. He’s very emotionally controlled and strong, and he even refused me when I suggested we could just be friends with benefits and have what we used to like last summer (he said that he knows himself and if we introduce that again, he will have difficulty not falling into the temptation of wanting to be with me again). I realize that I made many mistakes and that I need to start a no contact period with him so I can stop obsessing and work on myself. However, I’m also worried that even after I get better, he won’t want to be with me anymore. Like he said, “no guarantees.” He also said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship for a while, and he’s not the type to chase after girls or seek out a rebound relationship, so I know he won’t. But he wants to be single, and I want to win him back…what else do you suggest? I’m feel really worried right now because even though he said he still has some feelings inside for me, that might change. And he may decide it is best for us not to be in a relationship again in the future, and say “no” to me. He says that he doesn’t want me to think that he will wait for me and be there for me as if we were taking a “break” because he doesn’t want to hurt me if he chooses that it’s best not to. I know it’s a bad idea to try to seduce him, so I won’t. But I want to change and I want him to want me back. How do I get him back after I’ve made these mistakes and he’s saying he wants to be single? He sounds so happy about it too…he says that though he feels lonely sometimes, he enjoys his own company and likes himself and doesn’t want to be with me. I feel like he’s not really going through much pain right now, but I want him back eventually. I know him pretty well, and I know he’s very controlled and mature when it comes to being rational and not letting emotional decisions take over, but I fear that I lost all of my chances with him.

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 9:43 am

      Hey Jenn,

      There is really nothing you can do accept apply no contact and improve yourself. I know you have a fear that you might not get him even after that, but that’s a fear that is coming out of your codependency. If you actually work on your issues, you will realize that even if he doesn’t come back, you’ll still be OK. Whenever you contact him after no contact, just make sure you don’t mention getting back together. Let it be his idea.

  • Luke April 5, 2014, 8:33 am

    Hi Kevin ,
    Me again I asked you about 5 days ago to help me with my relationship would you email me or comment back please ASAP !!!

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 9:38 am

      Hey Luke,

      I can’t find your comment. Sorry, it must have been marked as spam. Please comment again and make sure you read the comment guidelines before you post it.

  • Stacey Jane April 5, 2014, 6:49 am

    Hi Kevin. Question for you. How do we avoid the friend zone? After the break up my guy was calling every day to beg me to stay in his life as a friend (which of course I can’t do). He said he no longer has feelings for me and that we will never be a couple. I thought it was strange that he was chasing me just to tell me this (essentially reject me). I have now stopped all contact abruptly. He texted twice and then stopped. It has been a week. So if after a month I tell him we can be friends would I not be giving him exactly what he begged for? I can’t be friends with this guy. I am in love with him. Is this hopeless? Any advice? please?

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 10:10 am

      Don’t tell him directly you can be friends. Just get back in touch with him and act friendly. If you are forced to put a title on the relationship, then say you are friends. You are in the friendzone if he starts talking to you about other girls he is interested in and start asking you advice on what to do in his relationships. If it gets to that, just tell him you are not comfortable with these conversations and it’s better if he discusses it with his other friends.

      • Stacey Jane April 6, 2014, 12:47 pm

        thanks for your reply Kevin. It means a lot to me. Sorry for the repost. I couldn’t find my comment any more. It is a bit frustrating that even though he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend he could absolutely not let me go and he was pursuing me to be my friend. Really weird. Starting no contact was hard but it is for the best. Once again thanks for everything. I find your site extremely helpful

  • Terry April 5, 2014, 6:45 am

    Hi Kevin, I need your help! I was with my ex for five years and during that time we have had our ups and downs – also a few splits that lasted a few days. We are both in our late fourties and live quite a distance apart but were so in love. When we got back together she always said that she had tried not to love me but her love for me was too strong. Our last split is now 53 days and I have done the 30 day rule but she contacted me on day 24 about a matter that she didn’t have to?? I ignored it, was that her missing me? I have now sent her a text asking how she is doing? But she hasent replied, do I have a chance of getting her back? People that know us always say that we are meant to be together and what a good couple we make. I miss her so much!

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 10:08 am

      Yes, you do have a chance. Wait another week and then contact her using the letter.

    • Terry April 10, 2014, 4:26 pm

      Hi Kevin, I’ve had devastating news today ! The day started out by a friend of my ex phoning me about a matter not involving my ex, but the conversation did turn towards our split and the friend that obviously isn’t that close to my ex ?encouraging me to get in touch with her and telling her how much she means to me, as she had seen her a few weeks ago and the friend had said that my ex was missing me and that she has lost weight due to the split? So I built up the courage to write a text telling her how much I love and miss her!! The return text was devastating as she told me she had moved on and was seeing another man. My world has been shattered! Obviously the weight loss has been to impress her new man. I do believe that she has been seeing this man since our split nine weeks ago but has kept it from her friends, only telling them how I have let her down so she looks to be the victim in all of this. What do I do now?? I want her back but don’t think it is ever going to happen now!

      • terry April 12, 2014, 4:33 am

        Hi Kevin, I’m in a bad place right now. You say in your subscription site that its all about timming- I think I have missed that time! My ex has moved on and does not want to know me anymore. Where did I go wrong ?? I’m lonely and depressed I can’t eat or sleep and have lost 20 lbs in weight, what do I do next?

      • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:06 am

        Hey Terry,

        Sorry about what happened. Well, first of all accept the possibility that you may never get her back. Do you still want to try and spend more time pursuing her? If so, then start no contact all over again. This time, skip the letter, and send her the text mentioned in the article. Approach her as a friend, and build attraction from there.

        • terry April 12, 2014, 3:06 pm

          Thanks Kevin for getting back to me. I know that I may of lost her forever but I still love her but don’t know what to do for the best. I just can’t believe that she could have moved on so quickly!? We had so much in common she often said things like ” we had been together in a past life and we were meant to be together”. I just feel that I should try and get her back somehow.
          I do love her, do you think that she still thinks about us? Could this be a rebound?

          • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:15 am

            Yes, there is a possibility that it’s a rebound. But you should first accept the fact that you may never get her back and be OK with it.

          • terry April 14, 2014, 5:49 pm

            I’m trying my best to accept it, but it is so hard going from being so in love to loosing her, going from texting and phoning every day to no contact at all. And the worst thing of all is knowing that someone else is doing the things that I used to do with her. My friend thinks that she will realise in a few months what we had was special and contact me ? I really hope so. In the past she has ended relationships after a few months, our relationship has lasted the longest five years.

  • Jane April 5, 2014, 6:21 am

    Hey Kevin, it’s been 30 days NC today, I’ve been better than I thought I would be by going out a lot with friends, concentrating more on me, I can still laugh loads without him… but I know I still love him. A lot of guys are attracted to me (don’t want to be big headed), but I want him back. We had such chemistry, a great connection and pure love. All my friends and family say I deserve better as he wasn’t willing to fight for me and I was so good to him, but he was good to me too and always treated me well.

    I know the last time I saw him to get my things back from his place (as I stayed over most weekends) he still loved me but was in a bad place in life, this was 6 weeks ago. He is 30 and I’m 28 and we were together just over 1 year, he said he never loved a girl like as much as he loved me, however we clashed a lot due to our strong personalities and miscommunication, my insecurities from previous relationships and his fear of loving and committing as he had his trust broken before by his first girlfriend. He said the break up was the only logical option as we tried to make it work before, and after this time apart, I agree. It couldn’t have continued how it was going, we needed to face both of our issues on our own.

    At the time of the breakup, I begged and pleaded to make us work but he was adamant he made his mind up, however he still wanted me in his life and texted me saying he missed and loved me every few days, however he made his mind up. It wasn’t fair on me being pushed and pulled like that and I had to cut contact. I told him to help me move on by not contacting me again and he said he was sad about that but would honor and respect that, but I still wanted him to contact me (girls are confusing). I haven’t heard anything from him at all, NOTHING. My question is, it’s my birthday next week, if he contacts me just saying happy birthday, what do I do/ say? Also, I have decided that if he doesn’t contact me on my birthday I’m going to move on. I know you suggest write a letter, but I want this to come from him and for him to want to contact me, do you agree with this?

    Thanks Kevin, I really appreciate all the help and think you are so kind to take the time to help people with this relationship problems!

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:56 am

      Hey Jane,

      Send him a simple thank you if wishes you. If that’s what you’ve decided, then you should move on in case he doesn’t contact you on your birthday. That’s what the no contact period is for. It gives you time to figure out what you want and what you won’t accept.

      • Jane April 9, 2014, 2:28 pm

        Hi Kevin,

        So yesterday was my birthday, he didn’t send me a text and I was really upset (but I did have a great day with friends). After midnight I sent him a text to say hey, yesterday was my bday, you forgot, goodbye type thing. However, he asked if I had been home and he had sent me a card but had it special delivery so I had to sign for it, I was out so didn’t get it. He said he was thinking of me the whole day. Today, I went to collect the card from the sorting office and he wrote ‘wishing you a happy birthday! Not a day goes by when you’re absent from my thoughts. Wishing you all the best. x’ What does this mean? I sent him a text after saying ‘thanks for your card.’ and then about a program that we used to watch together reminding me of him and making a joke.’ he’s read my message but hasn’t replied, what should I do?

        • Kevin April 10, 2014, 9:05 am

          It just means he is missing you. Wait another week and then send him a text again. And belated Happy Birthday. :)

          • Jane April 10, 2014, 5:07 pm

            Thanks Kevin! He replied later, saying he was sorry for the late reply but his wounds were still sore and he was still pretty shaken – he broke up with me! He’s still not in a good place with his life. We whatsapped today for a while and we both said we were thinking of each other, but he said sorry if the card confused me. I suggested meeting up (perhaps too soon) and he said it could be fun but he didn’t want a repeat of the last time we met (he was in tears). He said I was confusing because I said I wanted to cut and doesn’t get why I would want to meet up, but he feels dearly for me. your email today ‘and it’s called’ is so damn true! He said exactly that! I’m not sure we are worth fighting for, I think he’s given up on us and would much prefer us being friends. I want us to work, he’s too confused, even after 33 days NC he doesn’t seem to want me back at all. What should I do?

          • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:12 am

            Give him more time. That’s the only thing you can do right now. I’ll recommend around two weeks.

  • Marco April 5, 2014, 6:05 am

    Hi kevin, I’ve been in a 2 years and 1 month long relationship with a girl. Of these 2 years and 1 month, more than 1 year and 8 months were a distance relationship with little to no physical contact. We are both asian living in two different european countries and her parents are muslim hence when her mother discovered about our relationship she beated her and told her to leave me. She sticked with me for a while (about two months) and she knew that if it continued i would had converted in order to take it further. However after that episode she started to distance herself and altough i moved to her country we did had little to no physical contact. We had some up and downs and i moved there to sort everything. A few weeks ago she told me she had feelings no longer and wanted to break up. I’ve been following your email and advice of no contact, i moved back to my country but wish to go back to hers as I enjoy the lifestyle over there and the people i met. I really do love her (otherwise i wouldn’t had moved there). She is always under pressure from her parents and school and hence i did not talk about all my problems to her. She said she doesn’t know what happened to her with her feelings. We used to meet about 1 to 2 times a week and it was for just over a couple of hours but it was fine for both of us. I’d like to have your advice on this and i would really do anything for her. I know it might be look like selfish to trying to have her at all cost even if it looks risky but I’ve arranged everything in case something was going to happen. Thanks in advance!

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:51 am

      Marco,

      It’s a tough situation when religion is involved. Family pressure can affect a girl in many ways. I guess you should just keep things light and don’t try to pressure her when you get back in touch with her.

  • tanya April 5, 2014, 3:09 am

    Hi Kevin,
    So me and my ex boyfriend has broke up 5 days ago. It was because he keeps lying to me during our 2 and half years in relationship. I always forgive him and he always promise will honest to me after we fight, but he always broke it. So last 5 days he lied to me again. I was very angry and keep cursed him and I blocked his facebook, twitter, instagram and his number on my phone. I did not contacted him for two days and I realized I miss him and decide to forgive him. So, I contact him back and do all the deadly mistakes. He did not reply any single text and calls. So, I stalked him on facebook and twitter and tried to be friend with him back but he blocked me. It was devastating. During our relationship when we were not fighting he always treat me good. He always there for me because I also have family problems. He’s the only one will hear my problems. And he always give me support. I’m really confused right now. I know when he lied to me he was not worthy. But in the same time we also happy. I’m scared he will move on and forget about me.

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:48 am

      He will not move on. He is just angry. Just follow the 5 step plan.

  • Jorge April 5, 2014, 2:11 am

    Kevin, My name is Jorge, 37 years old, my wife is 28 years young, and we have two beautiful children. We have been separated for nine months now, but still married. Married for six years; she broke up with me because she was tired of my mistreatments which started due to an affair she had five years ago. The relationship pretty much became sour. Since the brake up she has dated a few guys, but for the past six months she has been seen with the same guy, and my oldest tells me that he spends some weekends over the house, AS A FREIND. My wife has denied it, but has made it clear that she isn’t making love to any one, she is simply satisfying her needs of a woman. She spends majority of her times at the clubs, or bars, and has been drinking much. Don’t know what to do! My gut feeling tells me she has moved on, but why continue to treat me bad, and hurt my feelings if she no longer loves me? Its what she claims

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:47 am

      Jorge,

      She definitely has feelings for you still. I am sorry it happened to you. I guess you should apply no contact for a while before deciding you want to get her back or not. I don’t think you were ever able to trust her again and even if you do get back together this time, I fell it won’t be any different. Only think about getting back together if you are absolutely 100% sure that you will be able to trust her.

      • Jorge April 6, 2014, 11:24 pm

        Thanks, Kevin
        You’re correct about the trust issue. I have tried applying the no contact for months now, but our young children make that impossible. I have no choice but to see her since the kids are their. Although, just today I blocked all her friends, family, and including her from my facebook account. It has been by far the hardest 9+ months of my life. I love her still very much, but I just have the feeling that she will continue to cheat, until she runs out of gas. What breaks my heart into a billion peace’s is that my kids would rather live with me and not go with their mother. They are so young, both under the age 0f 6. They are with me every weekend, while she leaves the weekends to party or brings HER FRIEND over, while my step daughter has to witness it all. She also would rather live with me. Well thank you very much. Wish me luck, and it’s all on GOD’s hands now. Can no contact work when children are involved?

        • Kevin April 7, 2014, 3:03 pm

          Hey Jorge. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you. Yes, no contact is possible when children are involved. I talk about it in this article.

  • baobao April 5, 2014, 1:25 am

    hello Kevin. I’ve had read your article about getting back your ex. and i found it such a hard thing to do it. I wanna tell you something that I am a girl who loved a girl too, in short I am a lesbian. Me and my girl just formally broke up two months ago after a one year unstable relationship because of our distance. She went back to china after she finished her practical teaching here in Thailand. We broke up because there are things we cannot meet up and I knew she really wanted us to be together as soon as possible but the time did not allow it for some reasons. I found out she’s no longer happy with our relationship status. At first I asked for break up and give her time to figure out what does she really wanted. I was really bleeding for my decision that time, and I didn’t notice that she’s trying herself to fall to someone else. When she told me she’s with someone else. I felt drown deep inside and broken, I cried silently and suddenly thought of something “Its better like that ‘coz at least she chose to be with the man”. But deep inside I was bleeding coz I really loved her and my love to her is sincere. Eventhough I felt this way, my heart and my mind always told me I wanted her back. What do you think I can do about this?

    Follow up message:

    after her last message to me I did not message her back following the rules you said from your article. I also read your messages from my email but today you sent me “the obsession syndrome. you’re right ive got a lot of things in my mind this time and one thing here that confuses me is that the one you sent me today is really opposite to what is happening now. She never checked my QQ zone this days.. but i saw her online everyday. that’s the thing on my mind now. what really happened? why she can afford to ignore and forget me as fast like this.

    what do you think about this?

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:41 am

      Well, there could be a lot of reasons. Perhaps she is trying to stop herself from obsessing over you and is refraining from looking at your profile. Some people just have good self control when it comes to these things. I think you should follow no contact for a month and then contact her again.

  • PandaLover April 5, 2014, 12:26 am

    ME and my lover broke up for about a week now.. we have been together for five years he dumped me after I told him i did something very bad. He told me for now we can be friends and he will think about getting back together when im more independent and live on my own. Before that we were talking about maybe getting married to.. What should I do?

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:35 am

      Follow the 5 step plan PandaLover.

  • christoph April 5, 2014, 12:24 am

    HEY KEVIN!
    Do you remember me posting here? i think not..i was that guy who went to ‘bump into’ my ex gf after 6 months of the break up and she didn’t even respond..she kind of ran away.and i was so embarrassed and decided to quit this(you also told me to move on).

    Now,sorry to bug you agaain! :/
    But couldn’t help but to ask you about this.so please reply.?

    Today ,she called me all of a sudden after roughly 2 weeks or so ( 2 weeks after i bumped into her which turned out to be a disaster). she asked me why i was there. i was asleep when she called..so i couldn’t think of any better reply..so i said..i felt bad to say some bad things during the break up so i was there to tell you that i was sorry. She listened and said ..ok..don’t come to visit near the house and all…but it wasn’t harsh at all ( it sounds harsh when i type here) ..she was very calm and talked just like how she used to talk when we were in love! i couldn’t say anything else..i choked a bit cause i got up only then..so i said okay and hung up. i logged on to fb and when checked,realized that she had unblocked me.

    so. what do you think?
    p.s. i’m not desperate at all,I’m just curious and i liked the way she talked to me.

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:34 am

      Well, perhaps she is opening up to communications with you. Perhaps now you can follow the 4th step of the 5 step plan and start building attraction.

      • christoph April 8, 2014, 1:37 pm

        Ha!! it was nothing. i called her later that day and she said she wasn’t open for communications and blocked me again on facebook..I’m feeling so bwah right now. Not sad,but a little angry towards her. i think there isn’t gonna be a future with her,but still i hope of messaging her someday (maybe a year or so later) just cause i want to be friends with her. No real feelings towards her to make me feel so down and all right now..but sometimes when you aren’t around with friends and all..i feel like there’s this missing piece. * tried not make it dramatic* ..you’re the expert..i can do that right..cause not really interested in relationships now but i want her just as a friend(may be 4-5 months later)..i dunno whether i can keep the distance once we start talking but i want her as a friend thats all i want.thats okay right!

        Another thing, i gotta tell you man, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB HERE!! i really appreciate it. You replying here to all these people who need help..that’s very nice of you. keep up the good work :)

        • Kevin April 9, 2014, 11:40 am

          I’ll not recommend going for friendship. There are millions of people out there who you can be friends with. Why her? Go out and start doing some new activities, get new hobbies and meet new people. You’ll make a lot of new friends. And these will be real friends. It won’t be forced friendship, like the one you’ll have with her (on the off chance you are able to convince her to be friends). In my opinion, you are just using this friends thing as an excuse to convince yourself that you will not lose her from your life and maybe some time in the far future you will get back with her. Don’t try to fool yourself. Be honest with yourself. If you decide to move on, move on. There is no reason in trying to be friends with an ex. Especially if you have to convince her to be your friend.

          • christoph April 14, 2014, 1:31 pm

            Man i wish that was easy. Its been 7 months now and i thought i wouldn’t be thinking of her anymore and i was right to some extend. The thing is, thoughts about her come into my mind whenever I’m not busy and i feel so depressed. If I’m out with my friends or is busy with my family..i have no trouble..but right now I’m having a vacation frm college and i spend time alone for most of the day. ‘GO out and enjoy’ doesn’t work that easily you knw ..most of my frnds are busy with their studies right now whereas i have got nothing to do for a week or so.
            I did all the go out and make friends thing way back and trust me it wasn’t that easy but i made some pretty ‘okay’ friends eventually. What hurts me is that she decided to block me yet again..when she unblocked me it give a slight ray of hope but it did not last long!
            Yeah you are right, i might be trying to get her back using this ‘friendship’ as a cover. But that was the whole point of this discussion right?

            i don’t want her immediately..all i want is to hear from her is that she has forgiven me..i have this deep sense of guilt inside me and lots of memories with her keeps haunting me..that is why i want to make peace with her.She might have dumped me in the end but she was one hell of a gf. :/

          • Kevin April 15, 2014, 6:36 am

            I just meant that you should be honest with yourself. Don’t tell yourself that you just want to be friends with her in the future and not get back together because that’s just not true.

          • christoph April 15, 2014, 2:10 pm

            hmm yeah true..what I’m thinking of right now is I’m not gona try to waltz back into her life cause its just not possible and not right. So, the only time i will be contacting her will be on her birthday which is next December(did not wish her on her first bday after the split.yikes.)

            a simple text message and may be (very slight chance) i might send a small present or something without writing the senders address..you might be thinking whats the point of doing something like that. ermm lets just say i want her to feel that i actually think about her even after this long(not in a desperate way) like I’ve become a good guy or something and he deserves forgiveness ! bwah. that’s all.i hope this is okay behavior.

          • Kevin April 16, 2014, 7:14 am

            In my opinion, you will just be wasting money on the present. Sending presents to an ex never works in your favor.

  • Enchanteur April 5, 2014, 12:04 am

    I just stumbled upon searching this online the web and I find it difficult for me to follow. I have my own issues because I am actually suffering from this post-denial breakup issue and I want to get my ex boyfriend back after everything put and said is done. I am really not making any progress and I need help! Pleas please reply to my letter. I am sorry if its going be long but I will try my best to keep it short and straight forward as possible.

    So I met this guy last year we don’t know much about each other and we only got to know a little. Weeks past when he asked me out on a date, and my friends knew already this guy likes me. I just thought of the idea and asked him if he liked me on our second date which I think was out of his plan since to tell a person u like them is too fast. I made a bad mistake but I wanted to know. well chances of everything my friends tells me are 100% true. I couldn’t comprehend it because I didn’t understand it. I dont find myself pretty or attractive so when he said he likes me of reasons I still don’t believe him. I was told once before that time is essence, you must get to know each other first to start a relationship. so i had that foolish mindset which caused a havoc because I cannot change my mind up. I started to grow fond of him and like him in little ways possible. That saying “spark” and “butterflies” happened. I was scared to put my foot forward and saw the negativity things in all he does. I was what you call complex mind set but I honestly didn’t know what to do in a relationship since he was the first. I started to open up to him, we had always little arguments that turn into big stupid ones that made me say stupid words like “lets break up” . There are times too when I said these I don’t mean them. but the sad part was that when I do explain my feelings he doesn’t want to listen to them he wants it in a fast track move. Wants to rush, and I am the opposite cause I don’t like the rush mood. I never told our close friend, but told this friend the opposite of what he did to me the bad and negative my feelings and ways told other things. and that friend was worried. but eventually that friend knows me so well now that I keep running back. Everyone told me to break up with him because he is treating me with no respect. I listen thinking its best. But I regret them 100% because I should have believed my ex boyfriend. The problem is that I know he has bad reputation past and contacts his ex’es and contacts other women, but when he was with me he was always with me all the time. And when things did go heavy he tried his best in ways where that saying goes “love does crazy things to people” he would trespass in my apartment send me countless of letters and odd gifts. I just need a space and breathe of air. but he countless bugged me with messages of paragraphs, calls, begging for third fourth chances and for me to open up. I couldn’t understand. I really couldn’t. He scared me! His actions were all wrong and I was so scared he might hurt me physically but he told me he will never do that. I assume a lot of things which makes me feel stupid. But he plays dirty too, he didnt give me time to think. I just was so scared and i told him but he told me to trust him and give him another chance, but when I do he would misunderstand my words and turn it into an argurment its like when we were happpy he just breaks it and his mood changes. He said so himself that he screwed up. I KNOW for myself I did something and hurt him with words but I only did that because I dont want to get hurt more. But all those months before he hurt me with words and that stuck cuz when i try to ignore and forgive him the memory of it hurts so much. I know he does not mean what he says but i want him to understand my side too. He demanded so much chances but I just got scared. He told he hates my attitude that i dont know how to end relationships. but i thought ending it by talking to each other it wont work out and give time. he agreed to it, then he message me he wants me back and im stupid to notice it. The last days were when he asked to meet up but I stood him up because i listen to a friend and they said do u want to be called a bitch by him again? i let the change slip. and when i saw him again then i refused to talk to him. it was all too much for the both of us or just I. When I didn’t hear from him for weeks I got news he was actually gone off the country! And received an email that he thinks I am happy and he thinks I thought of him badly in terms of physical appearance and wishes to talk to me again if ever.

    It took 3 nights with no sleep and food when I replied to him back. Saying sorry and yes to agree to talk to him. What made me cave in was when I realized that saying “once you push someone away from you and when they’re gone you will regret it” and that stuck cause I pushed him away because of how scared and confused of his actions and words he did towards me. I couldnt take anymore pain. but to the point and I reason it out that I really needed him, want him back, my heart is aching and i dont even eat properly. we are now on a long distance communication thing. but that too was also rocky.

    He never understand that I rush home like crazy to even talk to him cause our time zones are different. To the point i have no more topics to provide anymore and he calls me im boring to the point it hurt my feelings and i told him that. we were always arguing via messages but once we skype i dont show emotion. i hide them because i feel that answering back with hateful heart is not good. He was over reacting to the smallest things I type or say. We were off and on. even long distance. when I finally felt that he doesn’t want me anymore he showed it with his actions even on skype. HE gives me the cold shoulder, but he tells me everyday “i want to talk, lets talk, can i talk to u” and when i say sure, yes, ok when we do. he doesn’t talk at all. i always ask the hey how are u, oh u know what something happened, so hows work or etc. i tried my best! but he sleeps on me, ignores me, then when we hung up message me that im boring and he thinks to himself that we’re not compatible and that he doesnt like me anymore.

    since February to march i felt the pain of karama, i know i pushed him but I am trying my best to make it work. I dont like the idea of long distance because it is not easy. my friends noticed how i dont eat or sleep or even do anything they are so worried i might end up killing myself over it. i am tired as well. he gives me mix signals and words. i even cried when i just cant take anymore. i told him it takes two people to work into this relationship and i ended it. he then calls to fix it so i cave in once more. then it was the same. he tells me i dont show anymore emotions like a dead robbot., its just that i got so hurt many times i dont see the point of showing emotions towards it.
    and what I really dont understand is this.

    Why would you tell me “I love you” “I need you in my life” “till you or I die, I need you and want you with me” “lets be together lets be engaged”. then I fall for those words but the communication speaks otherwise .

    its not healthy they say if you feel less and unwanted. My friends talk to me saying “he tells you he loves you, but then he treats you like shit!” when i dont say much he goes “your fucking boring” and when i make an excuse not to talk “is that all you can fucking give? fuck you dont ever contact me again” and “dont be stupid!” when the real truth is that i dont understand his questions on silly matters. “come visit me” but when we argue “I will treat u like shit and leave u” . tot he point I just broke out and said I had ENOUGH cause I tried my damn best to even work it out! I know I dump him last year cause of reasons. and when he tells me lets work it out I AM TRYING MY BEST. but he just backs off. I hate it and it hurts my brain . I didnt contact him for weeks, I blocked him in all social media and when I was doing alright he call and apologize to me.

    we are back into talking. he asks me to come visit him. but i really dont know. i want to so bad but i have no money and i cant just give up my dreams in college and whatever. but he is making it sound like i need him more.

    help help help!

    sorry for the long message. but i am already at the point of depression or just starving myself. its not healthy.

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:32 am

      First of all, you need to start no contact again. This time, don’t answer his calls or texts. Block his number and stay no contact for at least two months. In my opinion, he is abusive and you should stay away from him at all cost. But, you need to decide on your own if he is good for you or not. That’s why you should do at least two months no contact. During this two months, you have to force yourself to do anything you can to make yourself happy. Get new hobbies, join a gym, eat healthy etc. You will not feel like doing it, but you have to force yourself. Otherwise, you will never be able to get out of this dark place.

      • Enchanteur April 6, 2014, 11:48 am

        Hello Kevin!

        Thank you so much for replying to my long message (sorry about the paragraph book format) anyways. Recently we did contact but I feel totally drained. We had a row, he got all crazy mad because I misheard him when he kept asking me some question that turned into a murmur. And when I answered differently, his voice changed in an angry hurl. I kept my mouth shut. But the fumes is burning. I was 80% burning in rage. I thought he would change his attitude. Yes it’s my mistake for answering the wrong question, but he didn’t state it clear. So in the end, I was called a “bitch” “stupid” “friendless” just because I didn’t say “sorry, and please”. I am so tired from today that I really couldn’t care less on this. But he even dared lectured me on my attitude when HE himself cannot see it. He tried the threat “I will leave you I am so damn frustrated” I just remembered what you commented and I answered him “OK” because from then on I don’t care if he leaves. I am being treated with all means of disrespect. He even threaten me that if ever he sees me in another country he will fire me or report me off. And when I try to speak or voice out myself, he tells me “shut the f*k up, I’m talking bitch”. For the past 20-30 minutes on call all I heard were the F and B words combined. I hung up on him. Blocked him. Removed everything. Deleted all photos we had together, memories of conversations. His gifts down the garbage shoot. He is calling me on my number but I turned it off. I cannot block it cause I dont have that feature app. This is verbal abuse isn’t it? He made me so angry that I had enough. I will agree to that 2 month no contact and even longer. If I stay with him, he will physically abuse me. from his tone of voice I cannot stand it. I want out. He keeps yelling that I am being “mean” and “rude” and “immature” he lectured me about “age” when he himelf cannot act like a man and stop pressuring me. From all his words, I’m not I am careful with my words because I fear I’d be lectured or even worst cursed like crazy. So that happened this week. I don’t want this anymore. Is it wrong to even ignore him? like when we just talked , but he was already be belittling me and making me feel worst than I am feeling, I just blocked him and ignored him. This is not love anymore its like a toxic fumes I am inhaling. I hate it. So I will do the ignoring. I have been keeping myself occupied, reading books, dance classes, finding parttime jobs, and eating !

        • Kevin April 7, 2014, 11:47 am

          Hey,

          You did great and I am really proud of you for what you did. You did nothing wrong. He is extremely abusive and in these two months, you are going to realize how much you were letting him disrespect you. From what you are saying, your relationship was definitely abusive and I’ll not recommend you get back with him ever. Welcome to a new life. :)

  • Joe April 4, 2014, 11:22 pm

    So my ex broke up with me 3 months ago. We dated for 2 and a half years, and we seemed madly in love. We had problems, and argued sometimes, but a lot of the times were happy. We were in long distance for the last few months of our relationship, and I had been drinking, and a girl who i was friends with got close to me while we were talking and I kissed her. I told my ex about it and she was very upset (called me names etc.) We remained together for about a month after, and then she broke up with me. We still continued to talk, and I did not act super needy, and we actually agreed to not talking for about a month and a half until I came home and could see her. When I came home and went out to eat with her, she told me that she was over it and had moved on, and I still wanted to try again, and I made my intentions known. We parted pretty well, and texted a bit over the next couple days, and she said things like we didn’t have to hate each other and stuff. And then I saw her again a few days later to give back stuff. She was very emotional and when I asked if she was okay, she said it was upsetting. We hugged for about 15 seconds before I left, and I tried to give her a kiss, but she turned away and said she didn’t think it was a good idea. Then I texted her later saying I wanted to talk to her again, and she didn’t respond, so I texted her a couple days later asking to talk, and the next day texted her again and finally got a response. We talked a day later on the phone, and she was very angry at me for continuing to try and contact her and told me not to anymore, said she still hadn’t forgiven me, and did not believe me when I said that I didn’t go into that situation knowing that the kiss would happen, and I never intended for it to. I still honestly want her back, and I for the first time lost it and called her crying on the phone at night. The next day, I texted her and apologized and asked her to talk again, and she told me if I contacted her again it would become a legal issue. I’m not really sure what to do now, we tried no contact, she still hasn’t forgiven me, and she believes that she cannot trust me and all of her friends and family think I am wrong for her. We had great chemistry and so many wonderful times and good memories, and I was planning on marrying her. I will be back at the same school next year, and we will be around each other a lot. Is there any shot I can get her back? I took the little quiz, and got a 65% chance, but I feel like I let all my shots slip away by not initiating a no contact period by myself, and complying with all of her terms after the break up in a very passive way. I didn’t handle it well, and when we did talk, there was arguing and stuff. She believes that I do not meet up to her standards, and I had misrepresented myself towards her. Do you think I could send her an e-mail in a few weeks saying that I have accepted it and moved on etc, to try and initiate my own no contact period per se, even though we won’t be talking because of how angry she was when I tried last time. What do you think?

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:28 am

      I think you should do no contact for 2 months and then contact her. Her anger would have subsided by then and she will be open to having a conversation with you.

  • Angus April 4, 2014, 6:34 pm

    Hey,

    So I dated a girl who was super crazy (cheating pathological liar, manipulative etc etc) and I started talking to one of her younger sisters and we really hit things off. We went out, have slept at my apartment and had great times together. She has told me she feels more comfortable with me than anyone else she had ever been with, but one of my friends let the beans spill to her older sister(ex) who has since then given me death threats and freaked out at me. The younger sister says she can’t handle everything she’s dealing with (school/work/her sister). I miss her but feel like I may be wasting my breath trying to get her back. I was a little bit too attentive at times…

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:12 am

      Give her space and time. Although, you’d be better off staying away from the entire family. You are just inviting trouble for yourself.

  • Keeley April 4, 2014, 5:59 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I randomly came across your site it’s brill although I am finding it difficult. I was in a shirt term long distance relationship last year that was ended by my ex boyfriend a week or two after my birthday . Reason I was given was that he wants to focus on his education and wanted to be on a two year break. Obv I did everything that I shouldn’t have done (beg cry etc…) . Then randomly I became so insecure because he got so distant and I stalked Facebook found a pick of him and another girl together. Questioned him he explained she was just a mate I took his word for it. Same night on questioning him about this pic he said he wanted to break up and not be on a break because it’s for the “best”. I just agreed for him. My insecurities got worse and insane I was constantly watching his Facebook and msgs. He would reply to my msgs but avoid phone convo and this made things in my mind worse. Randomly one night he was a bit rude and I had a good nag and a moan as he was being very rude and calling me weak etc and threatened to block me on whatapp and delete my number. I did moan at him and was so crazy that I called 20 times or so when he was ill and it got on his nerves . Then two days later stalking Facebook saw another pic of him and this girl in matching colour clothes on the girls profile and everyone is commenting saying aww we are happy for u. My ex didn’t think I would find out . I begged him to tell me the truth and he told me he slept with her and now then two are not on talking terms as he wants to focus on his work ( rebound relationship) he started being normal with me again and I was stupidly happy thinking he’s not with her anymore and to save the relationship I decided I will ignore what he did but it was two hard because I had constant digs and then I would say sorry and beg. It’s been on and off since December I have tried but each time I make a effort I either get a rude response, get ignored , I beg it makes no difference. I asked him about this girl in his life he’s told me that they both still tlk but he dnt see a future with her but he does with me but he cannot guarantee. I’ve tried my utmost with him but my insecurities , desperation and moaning has got worse and last week I said something for his benefit and he took me so wrong that he ended up being so nasty. Again I said sorry and Tried to save the relationship or what’s left. He’s blocked me off Facebook he told me himself and refuses to add me back on because he thinks I’m insecure and it will cause problems. Very recently he removed his time stamp off what app so I can’t see his last seen time. I’ve lost all self respect and I know how needy I look and the more I contact the more ruder or blunter her gets and it’s a vicious cycle . I thought of no contact because I really love him and want him back because we were very happy . Everyone around me (family) hates him and wants me to move on but it’d too hard fior me I haven’t tried hard enough but I would like to help myself. But by giving it a try. He still has over a year left of studies I want to be the girl he fell in love with not this desperate person . Please help ? ;(

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:11 am

      Follow no contact and learn to be happy without him. Don’t contact him unless you realize that you don’t need him in your life to be happy.

  • Lynn April 4, 2014, 5:30 pm

    my ex and I have been together for more than 2 years and 10 months. we’re both 17 and juniors in high school. so basically on Tuesday, he broke up with me stating he had lost feelings. I told him to stay for a little longer because feelings can come back over time. he ended the relationship, then and there, he also told me I was beautiful and that I deserved somebody better, and we weren’t meant to be, and that there was a chance we would probably be together senior year. so Wednesday, I walked up to him during school and asked what he wanted, he told me he didn’t know. so I asked if he wanted time and space, he said “yeah, I guess.” we haven’t spoke since. so my questions are, can time and space make him realize he misses me and get his feelings to come back? and do I have a chance to get him back after he lost feelings for me?

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:07 am

      Yes, it can make him miss you. You do have a chance. Follow the advice in the article.

  • Jodyi April 4, 2014, 5:13 pm

    So my boyfriend left me, in a relatively harsh way. But I wasn’t acting myself (picking fights etc) but we moved in with each other quickly and the pressure and stress from financial strain was enough to make both of us go crazy. He took control of all financial stuff and one day it just got too much and he got up and left when I was working and then called to say he was gone. It absolutely broke me.

    2 days later we met up, before I saw him I was a mess, a horrible mess. Then I saw him and I was instantly smiling we spent the whole two hours laughing and joking and making personal jokes as well! Unbelievably ability to make me happy at my lowest and I could see he was happy too.
    Then since then, we’ve been texting almost all the time, and our texts resembles the ones where we were only just friends before casually seeing each other and then obviously officially dating. We talk about our days and make jokes and talk about random things just to keep texting each other, also making personal jokes all the time. We’re also going to gym together in a few days (that’s something we did together) I love him, and I obviously want him back. But we’re texting like we’re best friends and it soothes the pain. I’m thinking he’ll fall in love with my bubbly self again, if I keep texting that way. (I wasn’t bubbly in the last month of dating, incredibly stressed and negative). Do I keep going? It makes me okay with the break up, and makes me feel there’s still something there ‘. Is there a chance?

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:05 am

      You have two options,

      a) Continue with the texting and meeting him and then eventually ask him to get back together.

      b) Tell him you need space and time, apply no contact for a while, then get back in touch.

      I’ll recommend option b. But it’s your choice.

  • andria April 4, 2014, 4:02 pm

    Hey, me and my ex had been together for a year on nd off,we live together and he broke up w. Me and we still live together.. would this plan still work?

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 9:03 am

      Yes, it probably would.

  • Ben Lynn April 4, 2014, 2:49 pm

    Kevin,
    Yesterday was a year my ex walked out. She as far as I know had been dating a few different people.. Its been very very hard to deal with.. I have not had contact with her in several months. Then last night at 12:15am she txted me and said “1year and it still hurts ” I’m not sure what this means.. Or how to respond. The answer is yes I would rejoice if she came back to me.. But I dont know what to say.. Please help..

    • Kevin April 5, 2014, 8:49 am

      Contact her after a week. Start building attraction with texts. Then ask her out. She misses you. It’s a good time to contact her.

  • Dark Knight April 4, 2014, 1:59 pm

    So my GF and I broke up after being together and living together for two yrs. it’s been since Feb 2nd when she moved out and she finally cut all ties with me on Feb 22nd she has blocked my # and I can only email or call her at work …..I have seen her and contacted her several times here and there and did exactly the opposite of the articles in some situations. But she still talked to me when she did and so forth…..I last stop going by and doing things for her and looking for her on March 21st. She has been seeing her X and I am guessing someone else not sure…..

    I know the X for sure because she broke up with me telling me that she was still in love with him and so forth while we lived together….she said that she was just using me for two years to help her forget about him. That she was never in love with me and didn’t love me. I have had several situations within the two years that we would fight or argue about something and she would run back to see him while with me, that is the main reason we fought was because of this x that she has been with for 5yrs. and then hooked up with me for 2yrs after they broke up for only 1.5 months…..

    I know that she didn’t give herself time, after the break up, but she fell in love with me she said (in previous conversations) and that I made her forget about him and so forth. I didn’t get how I did that then but now I can’t???????

    well I have been without her and she has been with him (I think), which bothers me because at one point in our break up she left me for about a week and was with him and then she came back to me because she realized I was the better guy for her. I still don’t understand that when she now moved out and went to start seeing him again, she says he is not wanting her back because of what she has done to him with the back and forth and but obviously that is not the issue…….

    also her daughter is in the middle of all this she is turning 9yrs old so she is seeing what is going on and it’s so unhealthy for her to confuse her…..it’s not the baby’s father BTW it’s just a BF that has wasted 5yrs of her life and never married her or anything.

    I a