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Ex Back Permanently

How to Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

My name is Kevin, and I am here to get through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

ex calling

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.


Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.doormat_in_relationships

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.


STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 daysBasically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very attractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.


STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

  1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
  2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
  3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.

Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.

More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

  • Using Pattern Breaking
  • Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
  • What to do if your ex is dating someone else
  • How to write that hand written letter
  • And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here (To Get Ex Girlfriend Back)

Women Click Here (To Get Ex Boyfriend Back)


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6144 comments… add one

  • M July 22, 2014, 2:33 pm


    Idk why but it didn’t give me a reply button for your last comment.

    I understand that liking her pictures may be bad because of what you said but what if she’s liking mine as well? Does that mean she’s feeling the same way I’m feeling? Or maybe I’m reading too much into it.

    Also, I honestly think that, based on what you said before, I will not try to get in contact with her but rather just wait until later on during the semester to potentially reach out to her. I just really don’t want to mess up and get myself friend-zoned or get taken for granted. Thank you for the advice so far I really appreciate it.

    • Dara July 22, 2014, 2:56 pm

      Don’t like her pictures! The trick is that you are showing that you are strong enough to drift. Losing a stronger partner is more annoying than losing a weaker one. Take it as a challenge (just like when you did by saying you prefer breakup over open relationship). She won’t forget you so soon! It will take her at least 3 months. However, keep posting pictures! It will make her miss you even if she stop liking them.

      I personally don’t like the idea of waiting for at least a semester. There is no guarantee for her coming back even if you spend that time. That’s too much dude!

      • M July 22, 2014, 3:08 pm


        I will take your advice about the pictures! I won’t like any of hers but I’ll keep posting my own.

        And no that’s not what I meant! That’s just what she said. I’m actually thinking of waiting 60 days instead of the regular 30 day NC period because I believe (and if I’m wrong in thinking this please tell me) that that should give her enough time to have already settled into her new college life and perhaps even be tired of it already. If I am wrong for thinking this, please tell me. Is that a good amount of time? Or maybe a little less? I want to take the best course of action as we will both be going to school around the same time however we won’t be going to the same school.

        • Dara July 22, 2014, 3:18 pm


          How far will be your schools? If its going be really far, it will become hard to re-establish the relationship that you had (though never impossible).

          I think 60 days is okay.

          • M July 22, 2014, 3:23 pm


            Our school’s are about 2.5 hours away from each other. It’s actually the same distance that it takes me to get home and closer to me than her house even. Before, I was already going back home to see her almost every weekend. The distance didn’t affect me much. I just couldn’t see her every day.

            And good, I’m glad you think 60 days is fine.

    • Edward July 22, 2014, 3:45 pm

      Hey M,

      It seems like you two broke up because you didn’t want to be with her because she’s going to college. If you love her and want to be with her eventually, then what is the reason not to be in a relationship with her? It’s not fair that you dont wanta relationship with her and expect her to wait for you. She still likes you so if you did contact her, I’m sure it wont be hard to get back. Figure out your reason why you believe it wouldn’t work when you broke up. Talk to her about it and figure it out, communication is important.

      • M July 22, 2014, 3:58 pm


        No that is not the reason why I broke up with her at all! I love her more than anything and it broke my heart when she wanted to try an open relationship. Like I completely understood why. I’ve been her first everything so she has nothing to compare me to. Yeah I get that but at the same time shouldn’t she love me enough to just want to be with me and only me? I told her maybe if this had been towards the beginning of our relationship I would’ve been okay with the idea, but we were so far down the road that there’s no way I could even bare the thought of possibly sharing her with other guys. Yes I would have that same freedom with other girls but I didn’t want that. I only want her. That is why I decided it best to break up with her. I know those types of relationships never really work out.

        I want her to see for herself and realize (and I really don’t mean to be cocky in any way) that I am the best guy for her. I honestly wish it never came down to what it is right now..I never wanted to break up.

  • David July 22, 2014, 1:11 pm

    Hi All,

    Festival David here

    Sorry I aint read any comments or posted yet, Ive only just got back from my trip and I have yet to go sleep! haha Wayyy too much drinking!

    Im still going to visit this site and post a few times but probably not as much now :(

    I went on my trip and my ex text me arguing with me coz I “ignored” her messages (because I hadnt turned my phone on)…anyways this started an argument again and then cooled off and it went weird.

    So anyways, Kinda like A.z’s comment below…I thought enough is enough. this False Friendship isnt working as planned because although I can and have shown that I can do the false friendship…its not working from her Side…She argues with me If I dont text back or say/do something she doesnt like….Whilst at the same time she is happily carrying on with her life and meeting this other guy. She will arrange to meet me, but then cancel to go with this other guy, she only texts me when i dont text her etc

    Basically she gets angry with me…but then carries on seeing this other guy and I just dont think I want that at all.

    So after her arguing with me whilst on holiday and I basucally text her asking her WHY she is arguing with me and always having a go at me…we got down to the conversation which was in her words “Im perceiving her wrong, she wants to be friends but its just awkward because we have been involved”

    She said “I think we should cool things for a bit”
    I said “Yeah me too”
    Then she started getting angry and everything again, swearing, telling me Its all my fault etc, that I “piss her off”…All I did was agree with her about cooling it off..how does that piss her off?
    So in the end, I just said “look, im cool with been friends, but you are not, I wanted to get back together, you didnt, so now we are in this situation, its not your fault or my fault, but I cant change or make the situation any better and you know that”

    she sent more nasty stuff etc but tbh Im just going to ignore her now.

    I even brought up and asked her why she doesnt speak to me for 1 week, but then sends a text saying “Its weird not talking to you”…..If she finds it weird, then thats her problem….She doesnt want to be together, she keeps saying “we both need to move on and get over each other”

    So thats what im doing now, im past it…..just going to ignore her and maybe ill have an update in a few weeks but I hope not tbh

    keep strong guys and gals :)

    • Chloe July 22, 2014, 3:17 pm

      Hi Daniel,
      It sounds like you feel so much better without your ex.
      My situation is a little like yours, it’s been really confusing for me. I think that when we say ‘I still love you’ to our exes (without pressure or expectation from our side) that there must be some high expectation from our exes for us to behave like we’re back in a relationship with them, except that in reality we’re not, because we want our exes to take the decision to want to get back together, right?

      After a couple of days of ‘cooling’ down and looking over the text chat with my ex, he said ‘there’s no point of saying I love you when you don’t behave that way’ – I’m actually thinking if my ex was expecting me to show how much I love him, and yet he said he still loves me but felt confused (on two occasions), so I backed off and gave him space and said no pressure from both our sides. So now I’m scratching my head and wonder if it’s a good idea to write him an email to explain the reasoning behind my backing off, except he may not perceive it that way.
      Or just do NC for a month or so and make a decision as to whether it’s worth it.

      I hate not being able to talk over the phone or face to face about these things, like adults. It’s frustrating.

      Okay, waffle over :)

  • M July 22, 2014, 7:53 am

    Dear kevin,Dara,Edward,daniel,Festival David , Raed and Rihanna,

    I’ve left a few comments before but maybe they were too long?
    My girlfriend is 17 and I’m 21. We’ve been together for a little over 10 months. She’s about to enter college and asked if I would be willing to try an open relationship. I said no and broke up with her because I know I could not handle doing that and I believe that those things don’t work. I believe I did the right thing but I still very much love her and want her back eventually.
    I do kind of want her to see that there’s really nothing to see out there. She texted me a few hours after I broke up with her and then the next day as well. I wish I would’ve stopped the conversation before I gave into my feelings and told her just how much I love her. I told her I love her with all my heart and she replied with I love you more than anything.
    That was almost 2 weeks ago.
    I guess that’s when we indirectly started the NC period because we have not talked since. My questions are:
    I know I should contact her for at least a month but we have a month left of summer before we both go to school. Should I try to contact her right before we both go back? Or should I wait longer to contact her as she will probably be too distracted by her new college life? Also, what should I do if she tries to contact me before then? What if she just says “hi” or “I miss you”?
    I have a feeling that I know this isn’t over because she told me she could see us being together forever and that she loves me so much and just wants to try doing her own thing for a semester or so. I’m not putting a time limit on it but I do very much want her back.

    • Dara July 22, 2014, 11:30 am


      Plan is like this: You do no contact for 30 days. You write a letter to her on 30th day. If she reply you, reply her and start a conversations. If she does not reply you (which is less likely in your case), don’t worry follow her with a text message after a week. So you will be text her a week before her school starts. I think a week before the first college like is really exciting and she will probably text you back and have conversations on it!

      For now, ignore her. I she was too consistent in sending you texts, tell her that you both still need some time and space to see what you want out of your life.

      Best of luck!

      • M July 22, 2014, 12:32 pm


        Are you sure about the letter? And what should it say exactly? (in my particular situation) Also, wouldn’t it be better if I just not try to contact her at all and just wait for her to contact me? Or at least wait until another month has passed and she just already settled and gotten used to her new college life? I say this just because I don’t want to start talking to her and her just friend-zone me or think that she still has me and hasn’t lost me so then she takes me for granted. I want her to see that college is great and all but it gets old after the beginning excitement (at least it did for me) and I want her to realize that what she wants is what we had, and for her to come back to me.

        • Dara July 22, 2014, 1:35 pm


          Ideally, it’s best that she contact you. If you believe she will contact you, wait for it. You can skip the letter. Its up to you. Its basic structure is up there in the article. I believe it will take a normal person at least one semester to realize that school is not “extra-terrestrial”!

          • M July 22, 2014, 2:15 pm


            Exactly! And honestly that’s all I’m waiting for. That’s what she said herself. She just wanted to try an open relationship (although I said no and broke up with her) for at least a semester and then see what happens and take it from there.

            I also had a question about social media:

            She hasn’t de-friended/untagged/blocked me on anything and neither have I. We still follow each other and she’s still continued liking the pictures I’ve been putting up on instagram and I’ve been doing the same back. Should I continue doing that? Does it mean anything?

          • Dara July 22, 2014, 2:25 pm

            Oh oh! Don’t like her pictures M! By doing so you show her that you are there! Apart from working on yourself, the goal of NC is to show your partner that they may lose you totally.

            My instinct says that doing no contact but liking her picture is not good. In this way you let her gradually take some distance from you. Let her miss you but don’t show your affections to her!

  • a.z July 22, 2014, 3:57 am

    Dear kevin,Dara,Edward,daniel,Festival David , Raed and Rihanna,

    Dara as you know,i was having a really hard emotional situation these last 2 days.and i kept thinking that trying until the deadline is making me weaker every second.i couldn’t really handle any more pain.i was thinking that its been 5 months and i never showed him my emotions and when he did,i just ignored him.i was kinda tired of so much ego in one relationship.and i thought if mind games could bring him back,he would have been back by now.so i decided to tell him how i really feel.i texted him and said: are you up?
    he said yes.
    i said: can i ask you something?,he replied sure.
    i said:can you forgive me for whatever i have done to you? he replied of course i forgive you.
    i said: i want you to know that i love you,it hurts me so much when i feel guilty for ruining everything between us,i have tried to change and i am really changing but when you say you can’t forget about the past,it makes me feel frustrated but i need you to forgive me so i can feel better.
    he replied: i forgave you :***************
    i said: help me so i can live without you,i have been trying to forget you but when you are always in my life,its impossible.
    he replied: thats what i have been trying but its impossible to forget you.
    i said: the stronger one should stop this.i tried but it didn’t work.please let us finish this.
    he replied: i can’t
    i said: i never wanted you to know how i feel for you,but i’m telling you now that my feelings for you never changed,i miss you and it still hurts .i have never lied about my love for you, i tried to hide it for a while but its still there.
    he replied: i love you too and i have never lied about my feelings.i don’t want you to be hurt:***** .
    i said:i know there will be days that i’m gonna miss you so much but even if i call or text or anything don’t answer it.let it be over.
    he replied:please let me see you
    i said: it only makes it harder.
    he said:i’m saying please,you have as much asa time you need but i want you to give me a chance to see you.
    i said: ok.
    he said: don’t do this to me,suddenly cutting me out of your life,i can’t handle it:****
    i said:it was your choice to get back or not so my situation is worse than yours.
    he said: tell me whenever you are ready.
    again he didn’t say anything about getting back.but now i feel really better.i was so tired of playing mind games and now that i told him how i feel,i’m good.
    what do you guys think? do i have to meet him? and i’m sure if its the last time,it is absolutely gonna end up having sex. and now i’m sure that my behavior was not his only problem,he has some family issues and he can’t say that to me cuz he feels bad because he promised to make things work like 1000 times and he was the one who has always been talking about marriage.
    what do you guys think?

    • Dara July 22, 2014, 5:18 am

      Hi a.z.,

      I could feel how bad you feel in last couple of days! The biggest achievement of your conversation was that you don’t feel bad at least now! That’s great!

      I think you did a good job! I truly understand that you want to hear the idea of getting back from him but maybe he wants to convey it indirectly by saying I want to meet you or stuff like that. I have an idea. When you meet this time have fun as if there was no issues among you but at the end of the meeting give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you have been waiting for him to take a step towards a new relationship but you have not seen him doing so. Tell him that 5 months is too much and he should make his mind clear what he wants.

      a.z., there are some men who talk about marriage to keep the girl in their life but don’t take any step towards it. Maybe you have to assume that he did not really mean it. Anyway, I believe 5 months have been enough for him to conclude what he want from life. I think this ultimatum is not a bad idea. The way your conversation went on, this ultimatum really fits the ending.

      This was my idea and I am also looking forward to see what other guys recommend!

      Best of luck a.z.!

    • Edward July 22, 2014, 6:27 am

      Hi a.z.

      Give him a chance to see you, maybe he wants to say he wants to get back to you in person. You don’t have to have sex with him just because you two are hanging out or meeting for the first time in a while. I think a lot has changed, it’s good to let it out, your true feelings. I know it made me feel better when I did because you know you’ve given it all already and if he doesn’t see that, then it’s his loss and you deserve better. I know that if you do get back with him, your relationship will be stronger than before because we know you’ve grown so much through break up and in these 5 months. Good luck a.z. keep us updated!

      • Daniel July 22, 2014, 7:14 am


        Well, because of you’re story i kinda want to text my ex the same thing lol. But im not sure. Anyway, go meet him, stay positive even if you guys have a heart to heart concersation. And don’t end up having sex please. Really. It would give him the power. Goodluck!

        • a.z July 22, 2014, 8:54 am

          Thank you very much,you are right.i’m really glad to have you guys here.
          ok so i’m gonna meet him and have a lot of fun and show him the positive changes and in the end i’m gonna talk about our breakup and see what happens.i said before that he knows me better than anyone.i’m sure all of those days that i’d been playing mind games he knew exactly what i was doing and now he is sure that i’m done with this story and i really want to move on and this means that if he doesn’t want to get back with me,its gonna be the last time we ever talk or meet each each other.
          i need some time before i meet him.i need to work on my emotions and accept that this might be the last time otherwise, i will start crying from the last moment i start to talk about the breakup and this is the last thing i want in the world.
          i already know what will happen that day,he will start to cry saying i love you then i will have like 100 questions on my mind like if you love me,so why the helll don’t you say anything about getting back?lol
          i will stay positive and do my best that day.i feel good but i hope i didn’t make things worse by saying those things.
          and guys i don’t want to lie to you.but if thats supposed to be the last time,i will have sex with him.i mean,then i will be moving on anyway.

          • Dara July 22, 2014, 10:31 am


            I personally don’t find it really wrong to have sex. I believe if he really loves you it will rekindle emotions in him. If you are not those kind of girls who think having sex is a loss, then go for it. Enjoy it! Then, give him the ultimatum to decide! Great! Follow you plan! Best of luck!

  • Giulia July 22, 2014, 2:45 am

    There was no “reply” button so:
    …I forgot a really important thing.
    I was his first girlfriend and he was mine first boyfriend.
    He’s not the kind of guy that let others sees his feelings, he always put on the “tough guy” mode. He is really stubborn and sometimes a bit thick about other people feelings (he doesn’t mean any harm, it’s just the way he is ) in fact I was surprised when he had tears in his eyes when he was breaking up with me…I mean that should be a good sign…?
    That sound almost that he was a bad person…that could not be more wrong, yes he has his flaws, but he is a honest,caring (in his special way),strongest , blockhead person I’ve ever known. He could make me mad to the extreme but just a stupid joke from him and I could do nothing but laugh…
    Around February he asked me out for a drink, but in fact he wanted to talk about how we needed to work on ourselves physically (we both didn’t work on our body from sometime) so we could be more happy about eachother. After that I started to work out and the results made us both happy…then after months,when the stress hit, everything started to go downhill without me noticing how bad the situation was in his eyes between the plans we made and everything else.

    • Edward July 22, 2014, 6:33 am

      Hey Guilia,

      My ex and I were first too, and she is also shy about her feelings. I do know NC works because by giving each other time and space, you two can learn from your mistakes and improve yourself. It’s good to see that you have a reason to get back with him and see that he has flaws too, not just you. Give it some time and I’m sure everything is going to be alright.

      • Giulia July 22, 2014, 1:15 pm

        Thank you so much Edward!
        your words fill me with with hope and courage!
        I still swing between the “I can do it!,we’ll be together again” and “omg it seems so impossible to make him want me again” but I want to be as much positive as I can.
        After these terrible days and weeks I’ve already changed so much that at the end of the NC I’ll be a completely new girl.
        I’ve talked about this plan of mine to two really good friends of mine and they support me 100%, I spend most of my times with them now and they’ll distract me during the NC.
        When I’ll feel down for some reason I’ll know that here ,there’s always someone who’ll listen to my rant.
        thank you

  • Rosalyn July 21, 2014, 11:29 pm

    Hi Everyone,
    So it’s been a week since my last post and I guess I just needed to feel amongst people going thru the same situation. I feel sad and feel like I’m losing hope! I don’t know what to do. My ex and I hung out again this past weekend. We had a few drinks, watched tv and caught up since he was away for business. It’s been happening pretty frequently after the NC period ended. We always have a great time and he texted me today saying “thanks for stopping by it was fun” sounds great right? Well Here’s my problem, about 85% of the communication comes from my side. He did keep in contact when he was away texting and even facetimed me so I could watch a baseball game he was at. Also, and more importantly, he is still seeing someone but he hasn’t said anything to me about it. He actually denied he’s dating anyone when it came up in conversation. I don’t understand why. I don’t want to get stuck in the friend zone! I don’t know how to move on towards a romantic relationship. I feel a connection and I know if I tried becoming physical it would happen but I don’t want to be a friend with benefits since we made it clear when we first started hanging out that we were going to be just friends. Maybe I’m rushing things a bit too much since it’s only been about a month since we started talking again and hanging out as friends. I’m
    Just so confused right now! Anyone here understand what I’m going thru? Any advise?

    • Edward July 22, 2014, 12:23 am

      Hi Rosalyn,

      Let him know that you can’t be just friends. Let him know that you want to have a relationship with him, it will clear the confusion. If he doesn’t approve, then there’s no need to get physical. If this has been going on for a while and he never mentioned about getting back together in a relationship with you, I think it’s important that you two talk about this matter if you plan on getting back together.

      • Rosalyn July 22, 2014, 10:42 am

        I think that since we’ve been hanging out and I see how well we get along and how good things could be for us I’m just becoming too impatient too quickly. It’s only been a month since we started hanging out after NC and he is still seeing this other girl even though he says he is not. I don’t know why maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings or he thinks that I won’t be around if he admits that he’s been seeing someone but it’s weird to me that he won’t say anything. I think that it’s too soon and as long as he’s still seeing this other girl if I say something about wanting more than a friendship I’m afraid it’ll backfire and I’ll lose my chances and damage all the work I’ve done. What do you guys think? I’m just wondering if anyone had any ideas as to why he won’t admit he’s dating someone else.

        • Edward July 22, 2014, 3:23 pm

          Thereare many reasons why our ex doesn’t tell us that they are dating. It could be that he doesn’t want to hurt you or that he isn’t ready to move on yey or that he still wants to be with you. You have to let your true feelings out, and if it backfires then so what? Do you want to live your life with the friends and benefits thting while hiding your true feelings? Anyday he can leave you and tell you that you weren’t in a relationship with him. That’s why I think you should tell him the truth.

  • Anson July 21, 2014, 10:53 pm

    Here’s my story: http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/comment-page-9/#comment-31498

    So I basically just read back through the last conversation we last had and now I’m a train wreck of emotions again. The things she said hurt me in a way that I can’t even explain and I’m far from understanding. She basically told me that the whole relationship was a mistake on her part and that she basically regrets it all and only was with me because I paid attention to her.

    This is the girl who, less than a month before that, had been wanting to marry me and be with me forever. Reading over that hurt me like I never knew was possible and then at the end basically accused me of calling her a liar and told me that I made her look like a bad person because I didn’t explain something to someone else in a way that she would have. Tbh, I think more than anything, I need 1. explaination because I don’t understand at all 2. need someone to talk to, maybe send this coversation to so that they know what happened and can maybe help me understand it, and 3. a shoulder to cry on which is something I’ve never needed in my entire life. I’ve always been the one to have the shoulder to cry on, but wow I’m wrecked emotionally. Is there any way anyone can talk to me and I can send this conversation to and help me understand because I want this girl back, but she really seems to not give two shits about me and is only interested in this new guy and I’m in tears like I haven’t been in a long time. Please help. Idk if we’re allowed to email each other or skype or w/e, but I need someone to talk to because I’m really, really hurting right now.

    • Daniel July 21, 2014, 11:06 pm

      Hey. You don’t need an explanation. Closure is not really necessary. You will just tire yourself out trying to understand all the reasons and finding explanation. It will only drive you crazy.

      I also think the bad things she is saying is because she wants to push you away. Its a wreck. Shes trying to hurt you so you would leave her alone. Take time. Use NC again to heal. I say dump her. It’s too much. You should be prepared for anything because one negative feedback can get you back on square one and a whole new pain all over again. Sometimes it’s better to give up hope so you dont get disappointed or hurt. Goodluck man!

      • Anson July 21, 2014, 11:31 pm

        I figured she said some of those things to hurt me and try making me get over her, but she seems to really not care and just be happy with this new guy. And I’m still in NC. This conversation happened like 3 weeks ago. I just read back through it. I’m taking Kevin’s advice and doing 2 months of NC before I contact her, but she told me that if I saw the way her and this new guy were, I would understand, but I don’t have to be there to witness it to know that the way they are now, while on their honeymoon stage, is the way she and I were for over a year and a half. It’s not that our honeymoon stage didn’t pass, but we kept our relationship healthy and alive and happy given the circumstances of being nearly 9000 miles apart. We skyped with video chat every night, we talked on the phone every night, we text each other throughout the day whenever we felt like talking to each other which was alot, she always craved my attention and did cute things to get it if I didn’t give it to her when she craved it.

        She also said that she regrets the whole relationship even though because of our relationship, she’s not only the person she is today, but she’s also alive. I can’t say for sure that she wouldn’t be if we’d never met or dated, but its a very real possibility. She also stopped hurting herself physically (I took care of her mentally and emotionally (especially since it was impossible for me to do so physically)) because of our relationship and because she (at least said) she loved me and hated knowing that her hurting herself and having suicidal thoughts hurt me just as much, if not more.

        The reason I want an explanation is because I want to understand what went wrong. I don’t have the money for RR or anything like that sadly and I don’t think it would answer the question anyway. I’m not someone who easily gets over something like this. I’ve taken deaths in the family much, much better than this and got over them, but this is something that has shaken me to my very core because less than a month earlier, she wanted to get married to me, etc and even bought me a ring with our anniversary date engraved into it for my birthday which was less than 3 weeks before she broke up with me. I just don’t understand it at all. Everything seemed to be going great, then a few weeks of being kind of cold and distant (I thought she just needed some space so I gave her space) later, she breaks up with me and is with this new guy 2 days later, happy as can be. This new guy is someone we’ve known for a couple of months maybe and she talked to him more than I did, but I thought they were just friends until I started suspecting he was trying to make a move on her (which obviously worked) while in those few weeks of her being distant.

        I don’t understand how she can just forget about over a year and a half, destroy me emotionally, get into a relationship with someone she barely knows, and be so content and happy with all of that to act like nothing happened at all and even make plans to meet him in like 5 months…

  • k.w. July 21, 2014, 10:44 pm

    Dara, a.z., Edward, and daniel, and everyone
    even though me and my ex have been broken up for a month could he still be in a rebound relationship? Or is all my hope lost?

    • Daniel July 21, 2014, 11:01 pm

      It’s possibly a rebound relationship. Be cool and taje it easy. :)

      • k.w. July 21, 2014, 11:12 pm

        idk I still feel like my hope is lost. I mean sometimes I think moving on and finding someone else would be better. I feel like a rollar coaster

        • a.z July 22, 2014, 4:05 am

          yes,its more probably a rebound.and whatever you feel is normal.go on dates.that makes you feel better.live your life and be cool about everything.and during NC you should work on yourself and make any positive changes you can in your life.

    • Dara July 22, 2014, 5:25 am


      No one can guarantee if he is in a rebound relationship or not but probably it is a rebound. What I have understood is that you have to really move on to have your ex back! That contradicts right? Yet, its true! As a.z. said go on dates! First ones are really hard but it will help you a lot. Love yourself and he will get attracted to you!

      Best of luck!

    • Edward July 22, 2014, 6:54 am

      Hey k.w.

      It is realistically possible to get your ex back. I know that it feels like all hope is gone because you are currently in a break up. You two been together for about 2 years now, it won’t be easy forgetting all the memories that both of you shared. Don’t worry about the rebound relationship, try to be happy without him. I can’t say when you two will be back together, but it’s different for everyone. The sooner you can accept break up and find happiness from within, the sooner you have a better chance of getting back together.

      • k.w. July 22, 2014, 1:03 pm

        Dara, a.z. , and edward
        thank you for all the good advise, definitely going to go on dates, and be happy and show him that I can live without him.

  • Melanie July 21, 2014, 9:20 pm

    My ex and I are going to our respective homes for the next seven weeks, he’ll be in Colorado and I’ll be in North Carolina. What should I do? The no contact has been in effect for a week and the no contact will end while I am still in North Carolina. How do I contact him then? Should I wait until we are both back at school to contact him? And if then how do I do that? In person? Through text? The last couple times I have seen him (always in large social situations), neither of us have approached each other, or really even gave any acknowledgement of each other. Was that right? I am just so confused right now.

    • Dara July 21, 2014, 10:04 pm

      Dear Melanie,

      It’s okay if you non of you acknowledged each other! The feelings are still preserved in your mind/heart. I recommend you to do NC to the end. At the end of NC post him the letter. If he write to you it’s okay and you respond to him. If he does not reply to your post, follow him in 2 weeks with a text reminding of good days you had. Act cool and strong! In the worst case you’ll catch each other while he is back to North Carolina! Don’t act needy! That’s all! Follow what Kevin say in different articles/emails. If you don’t see him come back to you, simply move on! So, make your mind ready for any situation! Colorado is a much boring place than North Carolina (in general)! There are chances that your NC act in your favor! Be strong and best of luck!

    • Edward July 21, 2014, 10:09 pm

      Hi Melanie,

      How long were you two together, how long has it been since break up and how did you handle it? Unless he is initiating contact with you, it’s usually better if you don’t contact him. Without much details, usually NC is the way to go.

      • Daniel July 21, 2014, 11:00 pm

        Just keep the NC. Follow Dara’d advice. Goodluck!

  • Aniel July 21, 2014, 9:15 pm

    My ex said ” I do love you,but I’m afraid of being unfaithful to you, to cause you more heart break, I just need to clear my head. I have not slept with her but I have thought about it. Yes we’ve been talking often, even though you told me to stop but I couldn’t because I enjoy it.” And they’ve been communicating through snap chats. Please guys out there. how do you feel about this? I mean am I just blind and couldn’t see and still have false hope that he does love me. I feel stupid. (this is the second time he cheated. the first time he was drunk and regret it. and now this a girl he dated when we broke the first time).

    • Aniel July 21, 2014, 9:18 pm

      And I guess this is not considered as a rebound either… I’m struggling to let him go…

    • Edward July 21, 2014, 10:20 pm

      Hey Aniel,

      I think you have to gain some self-respect here. I know you love him and all, but you have to learn to love yourself more. He said he’s thought about sleeping with her, and he’s using that against you saying that he didn’t because he cares about you? Do you really want to be with someone who would say such things? I would feel miserable if my ex did that to me and I actually took her back. If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have cheated with you the first place. I really think you deserve a better man than him. If you fall for his trap again, it will make you look weak and desperate. There is no telling that he will do it again. If you follow the plan and go no contact for a month or two, you will realize that you have so much more to life than just him. You will see your situation more clearly and make better decisions. I mean, it’s your decision to make, but if he cheats on you again, you’ll just end up getting hurt more.

    • Daniel July 21, 2014, 11:08 pm

      You know what. I dont’t think you deserve him. But if you think you really like him. Then its your decision. Like i told you. Use logic than feelings. Goodluck.

      • Rihanna July 22, 2014, 4:27 am

        Hi Aniel,

        I stopped reading at ‘unfaithful’, one word advice: ‘RUN’… you’ll be happier in the long ‘run’ trust me. I hope this song inspires you to smile :)


    • Dara July 22, 2014, 9:44 am

      “Until you learn to walk away from the wrong relationship, you will never find the right one” -Kevin


      I could understand him flirting with her or even having sex with her duing NC! That’s okay! But I cannot understand someone say , “I enjoy it!” That sucks! I believe he has taken you for granted! My personal suggestion is to move on and don’t ever look back at this guy! He does not deserve you! He deserves someone like himself!

  • Daniel July 21, 2014, 5:33 pm

    Guys and Kevin,
    I’m totllay letting go. Because this is for the best for the both of us. These past few days i was thibkibg heavily. Now 4mos into the breakup i examined how i was without her. And its not really that bad. I changed careers. Lost weight. And im more than motivated than ever to explore the world and pursue new things.

    The thing is, when we were together we are not growin anymore. We hinder each others growth. I thought hard that if we are still together i wouldn’t be this motivated to change my life for the better. I thought she was my motivation to be great but no. I was trying to be great for her but not for myself and ar the same time i was so comfortable in our realtionship that i’m not paying much attention to other things. I didnt see that im getting messier and measier with this relationship. That i have no own direction because all i awe is the comfort and pleasure of the relationship. Yes it feels good but it’s not healthy anymore. I have to grow and find myself. WE both have to grow. And growing is only achived alone. Only yourself can make you grow. Yes it is hard but im feeling great recently because i realized that there are great things that is happening in ny life despite her absence. Yes she was good and great. Pretty and athletic and educated well. Came from a good and rich family. Shame as a man but i relied on her too much which is very very wrong. I acted like a p*ssy.

    Remember when i said that my family was no help? Damn i was blinded. I thought they’re not helping me because i was focused on my feelings. But just the other day. I realized that they pushed me to life changing heights. They pushed me to enroll in Culinary Arts and foreign language. And they enrolled me in one of the best in the country. I was not able to appreciate it at first but then again this could be an opportunity for me to find myself and meet new people.

    Overall. I still have feelings for my ex. I still feel like i want her back but i know right now its not good for our growth. Not good for myself. I still have this morning sickness and missing her but i am more relaxed and comfortable right now. I appreciated the good changes that happened to me and i also thought about my future and success. What i learned in this experience that a breakup is only extremely hard if you loved your partner more than yourself. If you put everything on the relationship. If you let your partner shoulder everything. Im leaving it up to destiny of we meet again or if we are meant to be. For now im letting go and explore the world. It doesnt matter if i meet someone better. Don’t rush in a relationship because i know im not ready. Im dating but there is no spark. Im a mess and im not at my best and not attractive. Best of luck to all of us.

    • Aniel July 21, 2014, 5:55 pm

      Reading this comment makes me feel better. My ex broke up with me twice first was May 4th. We got back together after a month and now he broke up with me again July 20th same reason that he’s not ready for a relationship and he cheated. So I feel like I’m in a bottomless pit with no ending pain and heartbreak. But reading your comment gives me inspiration to move forward in my life, that in time I’ll feel confident again. I loved him so dearly (the fact that I’m still willing to take him back after all that but it’s not healthy anymore), but he doesn’t feel the same anymore. I’m the type of person who gets overly attached and I shower them with all my love and always ends up with a heartbreak. I admire that you’re learning to let go and focusing on yourself. I can’t wait for this pain to go away.

      • Daniel July 21, 2014, 6:14 pm

        Don’t wait. Act on it. If you think it’s not healthy for you then let go. Use logic this time not feelings. The pain will fade but it will take a lot of time. Goodluck!

      • Dara July 22, 2014, 5:43 am


        I am glad that you are realizing that it’s not healthy anymore! Its the first step! Great!!

    • Ron July 21, 2014, 8:01 pm

      “What i learned in this experience that a breakup is only extremely hard if you loved your partner more than yourself.”

      Wow, what a fantastic outlook and reality check. Thanks!

      • Daniel July 21, 2014, 11:10 pm

        No problem. Thanks for appreciating. Goodluck man!

        • a.z July 22, 2014, 4:12 am

          hey daniel,
          i’m glad that yor are feeling better now,and reading your post made me feel really good.you are absolutely right.
          keep up the good job and wish u all the best

          • Daniel July 22, 2014, 7:00 am

            Az, i wish you all he best too. I think the pain really made me change alot and also made me aee things from a different point of view. Thankyou for all the help. I hope your progress is going well. :)

    • Dara July 22, 2014, 5:40 am


      I admire you! I admire you because now you can see how your family supported you! That’s a great sign! I feel that you are totally in the right direction! Keep it up! I also like the word, “p*ssy” that you used to describe your situation in the past. That reminds me of Eminem songs! Sometimes, I also tell myself, “don’t act like a p*ssy, be a man!” ha ha ha..

      Anyway, congratulations on your improvement! Keep us updated!

      • Daniel July 22, 2014, 7:03 am

        Hey man! I hope you’re doing great! I’ve been reflecting this past few weeks so im not that active here. I can’t say that im 100% okay but i am determined to move on. I know its for thw best and that she is also not going to come back anymore. I just got to keep it together and man up! How have you been? I hope everything is well on your side. Goodluck!

        • Dara July 22, 2014, 9:55 am


          I have accepted the fact that she is not the right girl for me! I believe she had planned for the breakup! She is moving to another state soon! It means even if we were in good relationship, I would cut it off. I don’t like LDR! To me this breakup and sudden change in her life have something to do with each other! Yet, I don’t care about her anymore! By the way, we exchanged some emails last week! In short, I think I have moved on!

          I have been flirting and dating with girls lately. I am talking to another one right now. I want to sort out if she can be the next. If yes, she’ll be the tallest ever! ha ha ha…

  • Chloe July 21, 2014, 1:14 pm

    Hi Kevin and all, I realised that my last comment does not allow a ‘reply’ anymore.
    Please could you help? Thanks.

    I would like to know what’s the best way forward – if I should just let go and not reply to him, or say some final words, acknowledge that he’s been through stressful times and hope things work out and leave it at that.


    • Edward July 21, 2014, 10:30 pm

      Hey Chloe,

      I remember when my ex said that she thinks we are not capable of being partners anymore. And now, she is showing signs that she wants to be with me. All I can say is that words are not final even though it may seem like it. You’ll only get more depressed by thinking about it instead of improving. Learn from your mistakes and become the better ex. If you start NC now and start improving yourself, your chances will increase significantly. Don’t worry about what he’s doing on FB or any other social media. Focus on your goals and how you can be happy. You will definitely miss him during NC, but cherish your memories of your past relationship as an experience. Don’t be afraid to let go, you’ll be stronger that way, I promise.

      • Chloe July 22, 2014, 9:03 am

        You are so right, Edward. I thought the cold moment was dealt with (near the start of our initial chat), but somehow because it hit a second ‘cold’ moment I’ve gone along with it, and took it to heart and helped him to ‘move on’ by removing him from Facebook. In hindsight, I wish I acted more cooler about it. Although he did say some things that were unreasonable, and I thought that was probably the time to leave the conversation – which is I guess NC. I don’t know if that’s the last time I’ll speak to him but I’ll definitely focus on my goals in my life and be happy :)
        Thanks so much Edward!

  • Brittany July 21, 2014, 12:05 pm

    Hey Kevin, welcome back (…if you actually are?) and I hope all is well. I sent this as an email two weeks ago but I didn’t get a response.
    I’ve been in no contact for about 2 months and I’m not sure what to do now. My ex and I have been broken up 5 months (we dated for 15). We live in different states, but we go to the same college, so we won’t be seeing each other for another month. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t have his home address so I can’t send him the letter. Since it’s been 5 months and we’ve been ‘friends’ for about the last 3.5. You had previously said I could I just skip the letter (and NC, but I thought it would be better for me to do it) and move on to texting. But I don’t know what to do when I text him, the bit on the page about it seems a little vague. I was hoping we would get some strategies in the ninja techniques email, but it seems like they’ve already moved on to how to keep someone. We can’t possibly see each other for at least another month even if we wanted to, so I can’t ask him out on the date that’s not a date. But after we see each other again it will have been six months, will that have been too long to have any hope of getting him back? Will I have been permanently friend-zoned? Please please please help (and thank you for all that you’ve already given me and everyone else) I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve already lost any chance I might have had, because he posted on fb about how you shouldn’t go looking for relationships, because once you stop the people you wanted come looking for you and I’m really scared that means he’s with someone else now and it’s been too long to just be a rebound. Please help!

    • Edward July 21, 2014, 10:41 pm

      Hi Brittany,

      As long as you keep hanging out with him and letting him know that you love him more than just friends, you won’t be in just the friend-zone. Whether he’s in a rebound relationship or not, that should not be your concern. You should focus on how to be happy without him. When you are happy, you attract those around you and not just your ex. It’s not too late, you can start no contact during this month before you can see him again. During this time, do something positive in life and improve on yourself. Don’t worry about him being with other girls because doing anything about it will make you seem needy. If he’s not showing signs of interest with you, you have to go no contact. I don’t think you have to give him the letter either because of the long distance, but you can send him an email version if you’d like. After NC, if you still have feelings for him then you can try contacting him. It’s never too late as long as the love is still there.

  • Adda July 21, 2014, 8:27 am

    So I’ve been following Kevin’s emails and did the NC for about a month now. We’ve dated for about 4.5yrs, lived together for 3 yrs and even shared a dog. Pretty serious stuff. When he broke up with me, he stated that “the feeling weren’t mutual. He wasn’t putting forth any effort and loved me as a person but wasn’t in love with me.” Prior to that, we never fought. I know, from reading the relationship rewind that he got bored and lost the spark in our relationship. Within that month I’ve seen my ex a total of 3 times. He is the one who initiates the contact, since we broke up. The last time we hung out, he made me dinner and he acted normal. I on the other acted quiet, shy and very much awkward. I honestly don’t know if that was my last chance in getting back with him. I just came back from my trip and during my trip, he texted me saying “thank you for the barkbox. Have fun and be safe in Seattle-from our dog” then he goes and sends me 4 picture and a video of our dog. It really did hurt. So just responded normal and said you’re welcome. He said “hope you’re well. Take care.” The next day, I texted him saying that I saw our dog friend and we began taking. Asked how was my trip and stuff and I told him it was fine, sent him a few picture of the scenery and decided to cut the convo short. Said ” it was nice talking to you, I’ll talk to you later. ” he said good talking to you too. Take care” then he asked me to keep a promise. To not open the email he was going to send me. I told him “why can’t you just send it when I come back. ” he apologize and said to have fun on my trip and apologies for yesterday text and that he’ll respect my wishes to not have him contact me.
    Since we broke up, I’ve been MIA on social media because I didn’t to see anything that could potentially hurt me. My friend sent me a screenshot of him and this girl on his Instagram. He deleted me and all of our picture on his account. I sorta got a little psycho and texted him “who is this girl on IG” and sent him the screen shot. I haven’t had a response yet. Did i mess up my chance of reconciling things with him?

    • Edward July 21, 2014, 11:54 pm

      Hi Adda,

      It wasn’t the best idea to text him that when you haven’t been in touch with him since break up. He did mention that the feelings weren’t mutual when he broke up with you the first time and that he may have lost the spark. A relationship takes two people and if doesn’t want to work it out, there’s nothing you can do but to move on. I think you can send him an email or a letter about the memories you two had together before moving on. Tell him your feelings, it will make you feel better. After that, you should really consider moving on because it will do you no good waiting. Remember, you don’t need your ex to feel happy, the happiness comes from within.

      • Adda July 22, 2014, 8:45 am

        Since the picture, he actually called me and I Just got off the phone with my ex and he stated that the girl he posted of is this girl he just met and they’re “talking”. He told me to move on with my life because he was doing the same. He said that he didn’t want to get back into a relationship with me and he just doesn’t feel the same. He still cares for me as a person but wasn’t in love with me. He finally agreed on sharing custody of our dog. It’s so hurtful to know that he’s bringing the dog to OC,ca to visit the girl. We spoke over the phone til 3am last night. I decided to tell him exactly what was going through my thoughts..(I.e. Suicide, depression, loss of appetite, etc) he didn’t even know it was this serious. Although, he doesn’t want to back with me, he’s still willing to be here for me as a friend.. The entire time we’re on the phone, he’s crying. He was like “what do you want me to do? If you were in my shoes, how would you change it?” I told him that it’s obvious that he’s not going to change his mind and that I love him and that I have to let him go. He thought that I’m using the dog to get back together with him bc of how the situation turned out. Which isn’t the case because we raised the dog together and he’s a part of my life and the dog is part of his..

        So what should I do now? He knows he feels the blame and doesn’t know what to do to make me feel better. I just want him to realize what he had in front of him. I want to show him that the spark we once had, can be reignited.

        I’m telling myself that this girl in OC,CA isn’t going to last bc 1. Rebound 2. Distance. Like common.. And he JUST met her a few weeks ago and now he’s visiting her every weekend.

        • Edward July 22, 2014, 3:32 pm

          For now, accept his friendship and be happy and nice around him. Hangout with him often and have fun. Don’t bring up anything about the relationship or break up. You can bring your dog to meet him, it will trigger memories. Remember you told him your thoughts of depression etc, if you want him back, you must change that. You have to be positive and happy, no one wants to be with someone who is sad. Improve yourself and be mature to attract him back during this friendship. Don’t worry about the rebound, as long as you are having fun and showing happiness, he cant forget these 4 yrs.

  • Edward July 21, 2014, 6:57 am

    Hi guys,

    Small update: I’m going to see my ex in two weeks! Ever since break up 4 months ago, I’ve realized that it wasn’t entirely my fault. I am a little worried that she might leave me unexpectedly again in the future. But either way, I’ve decided to trust her and give it another try. After all, it wouldn’t make sense if she was initiating contact with me to hurt me. This past month she has been really warm and loving to me, mentioning that she misses me quite often. Earlier this week she suggested to go Las Vegas with me on school break, which I think is an improvement because I wouldn’t have to always make the plans. I am just a bit curious on what she will do with the other guy that still likes her. Anyways, I will discuss it with her before getting back in a relationship with her. I am confident that she’ll agree this time around and I think I have to continue my journey towards achieving my goals in life. Break up has made me a stronger person honestly and I feel grateful for life itself. And guys, I’m not perfect either, I know it is hard for most of you, there are days that I feel worried even though I should not be. It took me a while to realize that I must accept the fact that I might I lose her forever. When you have given all your effort in trying to make things work, sometimes you just have to let go and give it space and time for love to sink in. A tip for you guys is not to overthink your ex too much, sometimes it can lead to false assumptions and make you feel stressed, depressed and miserable. Anyways, keep you guys updated with my story, and I’ll try to help you guys with my thoughts whenever I’m free.

    • Rihanna July 21, 2014, 8:21 am

      Hey Edward :)

      Your post put a bit smile on my face and not just because things are working out for your and your ex, but because I sense you’ve achieved personal growth through this tough experience. I’m very happy to know that you two will give it another shot regardless of that other guy, he’s irrelevant I think because she’s the one initiating contact with you and why would she talk to you if she has something going on with someone else? so that guy is irrelevant and I hope she makes it clear for you when you two meet up. Las Vegas sounds fantastic! I wish I could go one day so go have fun, experience, live, love… Good luck and hope to hear more updates :)

    • Dara July 21, 2014, 12:52 pm


      Truly, I was about to put a post here and ask you how are you doing. I truly take your words! I believe you are a good example of how should one work and understand break ups. Yeah! Your words have tones of logic in it.

      I wish you best of luck! Keep updating us!

    • Chloe July 21, 2014, 12:59 pm

      Hey Edward, I’m so pleased to hear that you and your ex are going to meet up! Good luck and keep us updated :-)
      Best, Chloe

    • yk July 21, 2014, 4:20 pm


      I’m really glad to hear you’ve been making progress! Your advises have been helping me a lot, and hope that you can keep doing what you’ve been doing. I wish you the best!

      • a.z July 22, 2014, 4:21 am

        I do believe that you have been awesome,and you are doing great.your post really made me happy.and your words make alot of sense.i’m sure we will hear more good news from you here.
        Best of luck

  • ian July 21, 2014, 4:20 am

    Hi Kevin,
    so my girlfriend broke up with me after an 8 year relationship. She is currently working on a different continent. I stopped contacting her now for 2 weeks, but even after 30 days, she will still be far away and the only way to contact her for me is via Skype. So I wonder, what would you do in this situation. She will be away for another 3 months. I think the reason for the break up is that we met when we were 20 and that the new situation far away from me makes her want to explore other options. However this is speculation, she couldn’t really tell me why she is breaking up, just that ‘it feels right for her now’. Also, her birthday is coming up, should I text her?
    Thanks for your advice,

  • Aniel July 21, 2014, 1:07 am

    Please help me. My ex and I broke up May 4th he confessed he was drunk and had sex with another girl apologizedhe said he regretted it and I took him back.so we we’re back together for a month no July 20th we broke up again he said he dated this girl while we we’re on our last break and they still communicating& that gave him urge/ temptations to sleep with her. He said he enjoyed talking to her. and he loves me and he is sorry blah blah that he doesn’t trust himself. So he broke my heart twice & I love him and I’m in so much pain but I dunno if I even want him back. I dunno what to say to him or how to start this again.

    • Edward July 21, 2014, 5:34 am

      Hi Aniel,

      I would go NC for a month so that you’ll have time to think about it. Do you really want him to cheat on you again? Look at Kevin’s guide on reasons to get back with ex. Are you sure you can trust him again? It’s pretty bad that he hurt you twice the same way (leaving you for another girl). I think you deserve better, but if you love him that much, ask yourself some good reasons to get back with him. During or after NC you dont want him, then cut contact and move on. If you realize you want him, then simply contact him again. But remember, if he’s done the same mistake twice, what makes you think he won’t again?

      • Aniel July 21, 2014, 9:47 am

        I love him so much but it hurts soo bad! I’m in completepain I can’t believe that he will put me through this again. He said he’s confused. I’m afraid to loose him and that if I go NC he’ll just move on to that girl. And I just wanted to heald and not obsess about it.

        • Aniel July 21, 2014, 8:46 pm

          He said ” I do love you, I just need to clear my head. I have not slept with her but I have thought about it. but I’m afraid of being unfaithful to you, to cause you more heart break, Yes we’ve been talking often, even though you told me to stop but I couldn’t because I enjoy it.” And they’ve been communicating through snap chats. Please guys out there. how do you feel about this? I mean am I just blind and couldn’t see and still has false hope.

  • Gerald July 20, 2014, 11:18 pm

    My ex went on a trip for a month and shes coming back I believe this Monday, we didnt talk for that period of time because she couldn’t it was a camp thing, well before she left we were talking I did beg her and stuff but now I feel alot better and I want her back, does her trip count as no contact?

    P.s I know shes coming back this week because she message me, it was simple convo, I was busy so I took a bit to reply and she asked me if I hated her and If I wanted to talk to her.

  • RAED July 20, 2014, 8:19 pm

    Hi, guys esp to my friends here: Daniel, Dara, A.Z., David, Steve, Rihanna. I hope I am not forgetting anyone.

    So it’s been a long time since my last visit here. I am having a hard time posting it said the website is unavailable.

    So.. You all know how emotionally stable i have become after 2months of break up but my problem now is i fee unstable for how many weeks now. I don’t want her back even as a friend but I can say I am unstable because I can’t get her out of my mind. I hope this is just some kind of hormonal imbalance acting up. The problem is whenever i think of her before it just fades in an hour but now I don’t even think she is out of my mind.

    Some gut feeling wants me to check her facebook then I gave in she posted something like, “i miss you” and I don’t know if it is for me or for someone else but I got affected. After that I am missing her too. But i never want her back. I know our breakup was bad because we just quit it with each other suddenly.

    I went here to ask for your advice because I am having a hard time dealing this myself. Lately I live in the past or on the present of finding someone new but I feel very much absent in the moment. I don’t want to fill my head with the worries of the past nor fantasies of the future because it might provide ne temporary happiness but might disappoint me in the long run. I want to live for the moment but I felt like a ghost of the now.

    I know I am not stable now because before when I am stable I told myself i wouldn’t want to be in a relationship for now even if she will have a new one because i want to prepare my best self to my future partner and I know nothing worth having comes easy, but now I want a gf as revenge or to get ahead of her. I know this is not good but I dont know how to escape feeling like this.

    I am in need of your advice and Kevin’s as well. I need you to be my anchor as of now because it seems i am failing lately to live for the moment. Right now, i need someone to keep me grounded so i wont drift farther away.

    Thanks guys. I am down lately. Before I acknowledge that I havent moved on yet because I know it takes time and it is just two months. But now I get pressured to move on because I think 3months is long enough to pick myself up but I havent collected it yet knowing that the ex might be having the greatest time of her life. Sorry guys

    • a.z July 20, 2014, 8:59 pm

      hey RAED,
      i’m glad to hear from you again, but and i’m sorry you are not feeling good.
      raed,its definitely nomal .and actually you are doing great.you said you don’t want her back at all and this shows how much you have changed.your feelings are unstable because you are still hurt you should give yourself more time to heal.be proud of yourself it’s been 5 months after my ex and i broke up and i’m still not really ok and actually having him in my life ( as friends or whatever) is not helping me at all.so you are lucky that you don’t want her back as anything.
      do whatever you feel like,go on dates,as many as you can,try to have a good time.whenever she comes on your mind,just tell yourself that you don’t want her back and its you who decided not to get back. doesn’t matter who broke up with who.the important thing is that you don’t want her back.you see? i broke up with my ex and he decided not to get back with me. you are handling it really good.i remember the first 2 months of my post-breakup,as much as i tried everything to be ok,i was like living with him on my mind.
      just give yourself some more time,and try to have a good time,set a goal and concentrate on it.hang out with your friends,do whatever that makes you feel better,if you feel like you like a girl,go for it.trust me,you are gonna be fine and be proud of yourself.

      • RAED July 21, 2014, 2:19 am

        Hi A. Z.,

        It is nice to be back. I am really feeling so down but the connection is really a mess so I cannot visit here even if I wanted to.

        She broke up with me. I pleaded for 2months but after that I came back to my senses. Told myself I no longer want her in my life even as a friend because I wouldn’t want my emotions to be put into waste with someone like her. It feels good that I no longer want her back though maybe she doesn’t want me back too.

        I realized whatever she did to me and the way she treated and handled me after the break up is a reflection of her own life issues and not mine. It is a reflection of who she is and I told myself it is no longer my problem. But sometimes, I am affected.

        I fear if I am still normal or mentally healthy because I feel like floating and whatever I do, I am not mindful of because she is in my mind. When I reach for an object it’s like I am a zombie reaching out for it with her in my mind. My body is present but my mind is elsewhere. Worst, it is with her. I am afraid if I am on the verge of losing my sanity or if I am not the only one.

        Thank you, A. Z. You sound to be doing well. I’ll try to always visit here to keep in touch. Thank you and let’s keep each other updated!

        P. S.for someone:
        I forgot to mention you on my post EDWARD. I am sorry.

    • Dara July 20, 2014, 9:27 pm


      I hadn’t seen you for a while! Nice to see you again here! I want to restate that I have read somewhere that “move on” will take about 6 months for a normal relationship! So don’t really have bad that you have mixed feelings now! If you do not contact her and if your relationship and you guys were normal, it should take 6 months of NC to make you, you have forgotten her! So take it easy!

      I also feel like you but everyday I feel stronger and less affected by what I imagine/hear/ see! See will you!

      My recommendation is that even if you feel bad about chasing a girl, do it because it will make you confident! It’s a part of plan to go on some dates and get rid of ex lingering in the mind at least for a while! My ex also haunts me in my mind! Yet, she is just a fantasy of a perfect girl. Her real picture is average!

      Anyway, to cut is short, update us on what you feel next! I will be glad to read your post/comments!

      • RAED July 21, 2014, 2:28 am


        Hey buddy! It is nice to be back. I could no longer backread because there are lots of posts already. It’s been a long time ha ha.

        Thank you, buddy. So I still have 3months left. I guess I should continue doing NC again. Because the last time, I was not fully doing the NC. Partially, I do because I never initiated contact but when she texts me, I wait for some minutes or an hour before I reply so I guess it is still NC but I want to be more kind to her so I somehow reply but I never initiated contact after the 2months. I guess I should do total NC again because somehow it feels good when you have the NC goal and when you count the days snce the last contact, it feels good when you are able to count many days of NC.

        As of now, we rarely contct each other. Maybe 4 times a month so that is every week. And we never had long conversations since I appear cold to her, according to her I sound so cold so maybe she is not pushing her luck. It is a routine of she texts me, I reply then no more contact again. But if ever we get into contact, she initiates but we never had a long talk. So maybe she is moving on too.

        At times, I wish she stops texting me so I wouldn’t feel guilty nor snob when I don’t reply. I just miss her now. I wish days or a montb from now, we all become emotionally and psychologically stable.

        Keep me updated to buddy! It seems you are having a great time! Thanks! :-)

      • RAED July 21, 2014, 2:53 am


        And by the way, buddy. I feel like something is playing a trick on me ha ha. Last night, I imagine the girl I am interested with now. I want her to be my girlfriend so I imagined we are in the courting stage. It feels good. Then I fell asleep. And guess what? My ex appeared. The ex approached me and gave me a letter. I remembered in the letter written was “romance=0″ which means there are no more romantic feelings but she hugged me and told me she missed me and wants me back but as a friend. What a dream. I don’t know if that is some kind of message she is really trying to send me or is it just me ha ha. The weird part is I slept thinking of the new girl then I dreamed of the ex whom I didn’t even imagine before I went to bed.

        But maybe I think it is some kind of message in real life because she no longer loves me but wants fo retain the friendship. And surprisingly, my response to her in my dream is what would I respond to in real life, which is a NO.

        Crazy dreams.

        • Dara July 21, 2014, 12:28 pm

          Well, I think you replying her texts/emails were mistake.

          Till now I have tried to find girls for another relationship. You know, for a relationship (rather than one night stand), it really matters how they look, how their personality is and stuff like that. Finally, yesterday I got a number from a girl who is apparently single and will be here for at least one year. I also have a couple of faces in my mind. Oh! Last night was thinking about this new girl and how our relationship would be.

          About you, I had the same feelings around 20 days ago. Some girls started looking good (amazingly after a long that) and I would start fantasizing a relationship with them but at night my ex would overwhelm my life. I assure you that these feelings will reverse after some time. I am the evidence here.

          I still come here on this site but recently I did not find strong passion in reading new stories. I simply comment on my virtual friends’ posts here. I believe that it’s another good sign of improvement!

          Oh, I was about to forget; go after this girl you found attractive! Find out if she is there or not! If not, find another fantasy!

          I will be glad to hear more buddy!

    • Rihanna July 21, 2014, 8:38 am

      Hey Raed,

      I think Chairman Mao once said (but in chinese lol): ‘nature will pass through from age to age’… I think he meant that even nature suffers in life, that every breathing living thing must go through its hard moments to grow, if not for winter and rain we would not have a beautiful rich spring but we must feel the thunder and live the hard moments to enjoy the happiness it will later leads to. It is absolutely normal to feel down and don’t suppress your feelings, embrace your pain and deal with it so that it won’t surface in the future once you reach a new found happiness (hopefully soon). I’m glad you realise what you want in life and that she’s not in your future plans anymore, I respect that you took that decision instead of wallowing in false dreams. You’re moving forward and that’s great. Chin up and don’t rush your healing process. I wrote this in my darkest hour I hope it helps you: ‘Embrace your sorrows as you would your joy. For your sorrows are the seeds embedded in the garden of your happiness. For your greatest joys are ‘not’ but the bloom of your sorrows past’. I hope this helps, my thoughts are with you xx

      • RAED July 21, 2014, 9:31 am


        Wow. You sound so brand new! I don’t know but it radiates. You’ve changed big time for the better!

        Thank you, Rihanna! I will take your advice! I realized that she had gotten even in moving on. But what I tell myself is to not be pressured because life is not a race. It doesn’t matter whether she moves on first or what, what matters is how I tread on the journey. I am confident because though I was left behind, I know I am somehow undergoing the proper way of moving on. Of addressing the issue. Acknowledging the pain. Knowing what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. Because I would never want to carry past baggage in my future.

        Unlike her, she drowns herself with the company of her false friends to forget. I might be taking a harder and longer path but I know in the end I will emerge stronger and it is all worth it.

        And btw, you wrote that? Wow. I know you write but I have never seen your works. It is beautiful, Rihanna. Wow thanks :-)

  • Sarah July 20, 2014, 8:10 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex and I broke up back in December (after a one and a half year relationship and 2 years and a half talking) and since then we’ve stayed in touch. I did the no contact twice for 1 month each time and decided after that I would not initiate contact because I could not read him and it was hurting me to not know what to expect. Instead I would only answer his messages or emails if and when he writes to me. He’s been getting in touch on different occasions and sometimes regularly but he is sending mixed signals by blocking me and then unblocking me on different sites, writing to me and then not answering etc. He has a girlfriend now that he is public about but he still writes to me and sends me pictures of himself without ever mentioning his new girlfriend.
    I can’t figure out what he wants. I know that he still thinks about me but is he just looking for attention or is it a way of telling me something…? I’m not sure how to react and what I should tell him. I hope you can help me out here. Many thanks.

  • Larisa July 20, 2014, 6:49 pm

    I know you get a lot of messages and maybe mine will be full of gramatical mistakes since I’m not native, but I really wish you could answer my questions. My situation is quite different.
    We’ve been toghether for a year and a half and the first year was great. But then something changed in me and I started to feel needy and made him stay with me almost everyday at my apartment. We didin’t do anything. Everyday we just watched movies, talked and had sex. But the sex got boring and soon we ended up doing it rarely. We started fighting so much and I wanted more and more of his attention, not realizing this was developing into a toxic behaviour. After we finished school we went into a long distance relationship for the summer. Things got really bad one night when I urged him to come visit me earlier and we got into the worst fight so far. We ended things in a good attitude, but I felt something was off.
    He came to visit me some weeks later and I felt the need to talk to him. He told me that if I wouldn’t have talked to him then, he would have stayed in the relationship, even though he didin’t feel satisfied. We were fed ud with eachother at that point. So we came to the conclusion that we couldn’t fix our problems while away from eachother and took a break of 3 weeks to figure out what we are feeling and what do we want from eachother. We promised not to become emotionally involved in the people we would see, if that happened and I suggested that we should not talk in this period of time. I could see he didn’t take it well. When he left he was devastated.
    Also, when he got home he changed his facebook status into single and put on his timeline “end of an relationship”. He called me almost crying saying that it felt so real now and that he misses me already. I tried to be the calm one and said it would only be 3 weeks and that we would see eachother soon. This is the last time we talked. He said that he would always love me. After that, he deleted all of the messages and post related to our break from facebook, including the one he put himself, with the “end of a relationship”. I am wondering what this could mean.
    I forgot to mention we are going to see eachother in 3 weeks at a summer festival we planned to go toghether. We are going to stay in the same room for 5 days and I really don’t know what to do. I am planning to have a good time with him and I would like to not talk about the decisions we took in the break so soon. Is is wrong if I want to show him first that I have changed? I have done a lot of mistakes and I am trully sorry for them but I am afraid he won’t want to give me another chance. Should I have sex with him until we define things between us?
    I guees my main question is if there is still a chance for him to want to continue this relationship after these 3 weeks. Or should we waint until school starts again to see if we have a chance?

  • Andrew July 20, 2014, 5:25 pm

    Hi Kevin and everyone else :) I need help badly.

    So my girlfriend and I broke up more than a month ago (due to misunderstanding. I thought she cheated on me but apparently it never happened). I started off really clingy, texting her all the time and calling her for 2 weeks. I saw her once, but she said it was a bad idea to do it again because she could tell I wanted to hold her. We got frustrated, I found this guide, and pursued no contact.

    Ending no contact weeks later, I’m a better person. I’m not a wreck or broken anymore, it would just be REALLY nice to have her back.
    We began texting last week. Things were going really well. She had entered a rebound relationship and was seeing a new guy really often. But over text, she always told me that nobody could ever connect the same way her and I did. She sent me pictures of things she wished she bought me during our relationship, she asked if I remembered certain fun moments, and we even got on the topic of sex (we were first timers for each other). So things were going well, we were connecting great.

    I asked her to hang out and get coffee before work, and she said she’d think about it. Hours later she told me she couldn’t go with me. I told her it would be fun and friendly, but she said she couldn’t because “I miss us too much. I would ask you for a hug or something, or ask for you back”. So now the tables have turned, and it’s her who would break down if we saw each other.

    We never got coffee, but she agreed to let me drive her to work (about a 10 minute drive). We talked for a while, she said I looked great, all that stuff (she looked absolutely gorgeous). I gave her a gift – it was a CD I had been in the process of putting together during the 2 years of our relationship. There were songs I wrote about me, songs about her, and other songs written during the course of our relationship. There were even a couple songs written about our breakup on the CD.

    Anyway as that night I texted her, but no response… It’s been 2 days and I haven’t tried to contact her and I’ve got nothing from her. What’s my next step?? I’m afraid to talk to her again cause I’ll seem needy or desperate. I just want to know what I should do.

  • Chloe July 20, 2014, 2:38 pm

    Dear Kevin and all,
    I’ve written a few comments here and I’ve received some really helpful advice and support from Kevin and others.
    I would really like your views on what my ex might be going through. Things were going fine, in the beginning of our text chats we kept it light and shared good memories and jokes, then he brought up the break up and I was calm about it. Then it was fine for a while, then it reached an obstacle. Last few days he’s untagged himself and deleted all the photos of he and I on Facebook, and I felt really upset and worried about it. I asked him why and he said that what we had was unhealthy, that we were the same people and nothing had changed, and that it was best to move on etc. We had a difficult text chat, which was hard. He doesn’t want to talk on the phone or face to face about it, which is one of the things about him that I don’t like and find it a really unhealthy way of dealing with times like this. I told him I removed him from Facebook, not out of anger and he said he thinks it’s for the best. However, from today, he still will text and reply and continue to go on…
    It seems he’s still hurt from the break up (happened 5 months ago) and I finally said that the way forward was not to contact, have space and time to heal from the past. I told him that I was making positive changes in my life and know that he is too. It was left at that…

    Is this what is called ‘death’s door’? and did I handle it the way I should have? Is this *confusing, crazy stage* due to him still having feelings for me? Does he actually want to move on? Does it sound like he wants to get back together with me?
    I’m disappointed that he didn’t want to meet me, even after a few months of texting and a few phone calls.
    Shall I just let him go and move on? If he contacts me again, shall I be polite and friendly?

    I’d really appreciate your help and advice.
    Thanks, C

    • Edward July 20, 2014, 3:28 pm


      You should try to always be polite and friendly, even at the toughest times. He might be feeling this way because he is still confused. Either way, there’s nothing you can do about it but to focus on yourself. He may still have feelings for you but is trying to move on. I would give him any last thoughts or feelings you have about him and start to move on. If he contacts you, don’t bring up any past issues, just be kind and friendly, be open to communication. If he wants you back, you will feel it, but don’t wait on it, you deserve better.

      • Chloe July 20, 2014, 4:41 pm

        Thanks Edward. Your advice makes perfect sense. A couple of weeks ago he said he still loves me and has always loved me. Prior to that, I said to him that I still love him. He said he wanted us to talk more and be happy that we both wanted this (get back together). However, somehow on Friday, it seems he had a change in his thought process and started acting strangely. I agree with you, he does still have feelings for me, wants to move on yet still behaves like this – ‘hot and cold’.
        I’ll take your advice and move on because waiting around isn’t healthy for me. I just wish he would let go of the negative associations he has about the break up.

        • Edward July 21, 2014, 5:41 am

          By improving yourself, you will show him that you are a better person. Over time, these negative associations will fade and mostly good and happy moments together will still be there. People don’t want to always think about bad things, naturally people want to be happy and that’s why happy memories stay longer. Let him be hot and cold, as long as you are stay positive, you’ll be in good shape.

          • Chloe July 21, 2014, 12:57 pm

            Thanks Edward. I think I have improved myself, yet he brought up the past again about me being dismissive. I forgot to mention that he said ‘The chances of us getting back together is low.’
            After my text about not being in contact and to have space and time to heal, making positive changes etc, he replied ‘Hence untagging you from Facebook…’ – this was yesterday and I haven’t responded to him.
            Should I reply with ‘Ok’? and leave it at that? Or say that and include ‘I’m fine and accept that it’s for the best to move on, and to have space and time.’
            Or shall I just say nothing and get on with my life and focus on myself?

  • Kris July 20, 2014, 1:45 pm


    I’ve known my ex for a few months before we started dating. We dated just 2 months. Everything went really well between us and he even made me meet his parents and friends. He met mine as well. We adored each other so much and he was the perfect gentleman. I’m his first relationship after his ex who hurt him bad 10 years ago. He broke up with me month before he learned he’s moving to another state. He’s been stressed with work and the relocation. It devastated me, begged him but he said he doesn’t want me to wait. I cut off all our communication so I can move on. After almost 2 weeks he apologised and told me how much I meant to him and I’m very special. I ignored him at first but eventually agreed to talk to him again as friends since he wants to be friends also. But now… Yes now. I saw his posts about packing and heading north in 2 days. I’m very upset though I didn’t tell him that. I just want to be with this man. I think he already put me on the friend zone. I’m a mess and can’t even sleep. I go out, hiking, exercising and crying at the same time. It’s the hardest thing. I have been with a man before who I was going to marry but I moved on fast from that man even after 4 years together. This recent ex was everything I wished for. He begs me to remain friends. Idk what his plans are. I just want him back :/

  • Rihanna July 20, 2014, 9:39 am

    Dear Kevin and Everyone on this site
    I would like to thank you all (especially Dara, Edward, RD, Festival David, Raed) sorry if I missed anyone else but you know who you are for all your help and good advice. You’ve all eased my pain in my darkest hour and made me believe in myself and in a brighter future. Because of you I stand strong today because I never had to go through a painful situation alone having you all here with me. You’ve been my friends, my family, my advisers, my confidantes and I very much appreciate your support in my good times and bad. This site was a god sent, thank god I googled ‘I want him back’ I was just typing my thoughts in the google box when I bumped into this site accidentally and it saved me from pain and heartaches. Kevin, your site is very inspiring and thank you for being a generous soul, a rare thing to find these days cos what you give is not of possessions but of yourself. You define what Gibran once said: ‘ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give’.

    I won’t be checking this site as much though I’d visit it from time to time. I think I’m healed, moving forward. My and ex (aka good friend and confidant) are talking like we’re very good friends and sharing our future plans. We both realise we have strong love and connection but we both know we have to work to be complete ourselves before we enter a relationship, thank you Kevin for the lesson. From here on, it’s where life would lead us whether to get back together or not I’ve learnt so much being on this site and learning from all the great people here about life. I’m truly happy, and much optimistic about the future. Big love to you all xxx

    • mike July 20, 2014, 10:35 am

      Thanks Rihanna, you’re the only one that ever responded to my posts. Keep us updated of any big news

    • Edward July 20, 2014, 3:17 pm

      I am happy for you Rihanna, I hope everything goes the way you want it to be. If anything bothers you, just remember us and stay calm lol. It was great reading your comments and posts, I’ve learned a lot. Hope you will keep us updated, we will miss you, I wish you happiness.

    • Dara July 20, 2014, 3:39 pm


      I am really glad for you! You gave us a great news! I also thank you for commenting on my posts! It really made me feel good! To me your comments were priceless! I also thank you for commenting on other guys posts!

      Just like Edward said, if anything bothers you here, please feel free to share it with us. Best of luck!!

      • a.z July 20, 2014, 4:05 pm

        Wish you all the best rihanna,hope everything goes really good for you.

    • RAED July 21, 2014, 2:36 am

      Hey, Rihanna!

      I just get back here and you are about to leave. Don’t make me miss you so much, okay? Ha ha.

      Anyway, I am happy for you! Wow, I was just gone for mahbe a week and you have changed a lot! From the way you speak (or post) you sounded like a changed woman already. Wow, Rihanna, you made it. And I am proud to see the bolder and more mature Rihanna than all those AAAAARGH before!

      Keep it up! If ever there’ll be a problem or even a celebration, keep us updated! Xx

  • Larisa July 20, 2014, 8:05 am


    I need some advice. I recently took a break from my relationship with my boyfriend. We had some problems that led us to feel suffocated in this relationship, mostly him, and decided that this is the best way to go fo a while, since we are in a long distance ralationship until november. I’ve done a lot of mistakes and hurtfull things and I really want to make it right. But I’m afraid that at the end of the break he will no longer want to continue this ralationship. We will meet in 3 weeks for a festival we are supposed to go to toghether. During this time I suggested we should not contact eachother to see how we feel. I don’t know what to do when we will meet and I’m scared because we will be sharing the same house for about 5 days. Should we go out with friends? Should we stay in, just the two of us? Or did I make a mistake for restricting contact in this 3 weeks? He didin’t want to see me anymore, didin’t want to talk to me anymore(he didin’t told me this, I had a long talk with him) and I felt that if we continued this relationship he would become fed up with it and end it much sooner. Also, I think he is afraid of commitment. We are both young, in our 20′s. I really don’t know what to do after this break. Or how to act arround him.

  • yk July 19, 2014, 9:10 pm

    Hello Kevin and everyone,

    I have posted here few times in the past, but I have been still on an emotional roller coaster just like everybody on this site, and hoping that someone can give me an advise on what I should do next.

    Long story short, about 2months ago, my gf of 3years wanted to break up with me. I tried to work things out for about a week, and of course that didn’t work. I actually tried to move on, but i couldn’t. However I did 30days of NC regardless and surprisingly she texted me saying “sorry to do this but i’ve been missing you” after 30some days of NC. I thought about not textig back, but we started to text each other since then.

    The texting phase went on for about few weeks, and last Sunday, i asked her if she wanted to grab a drink to catch up. She hesitated first but agreed to meet up. We had really great time that night, and she ended up staying over my house. And in that week, she stayed over my place every day. We discussed about our relationship and communicated a lot, but she thought things are moving too fast, and she could not wrap her head around it. Though she was really happy to see the changes in me, she wasn’t sure if the change was just a temporary thing or I actually have been changed for good. I told her “I can only prove it to you when you can give me a chance.” , But I didn’t ask her to get back together. During the week, we talked a lot about us, but sometimes she starts crying saying she doesn’t know what she wants and wants to work on herself like I did to myself..etc. She was kind of saying her heart wants to see me, but her head think she shouldn’t. Also she seems to be having hard time to adjust back to single life.

    And this Monday morning before we go work, she was saying her mind was going crazy, and she can’t even talk about the relationship any more and said she needs time. I wasn’t really pushing too much or being needy, but I always suggested not to cut off all the contact. But now she’s saying she needs time to figure out what she wants and 2months we had after the break-up was not long enough to heal her wound, I might have no option but go NC all the way again? I feel that she loves me but she’s just too scared to go back into the relationship again with me, because I hurt her so much in old relationship. and she was saying during those 2 months she missed me so much and things we do together, and she realized she took things for granted when we were in relationship as well. So on that day, I kind of decided to give her space by not texting or talking… Then on Tuesday (next day) she emailed me with youtube link asking if I recognize the song… the song was played by this DJ on Saturday where we went to party and we were dancing together to the song… She was saying she likes the memory that goes with the song. But in my head I was thinking didn’t’ she need space and time to figure out????? Why does she start talking to me??? What’s going through in her head????

    I do love this girl no matter what. I just hope that I didn’t destroy the chance of getting back together by spending so much time together too quickly this last week. I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but we just couldn’t help it. I perosnally feel that we need to keep communicating and working together to build stronger foundation if we were to get back together, but NC seems to be a popluar choice by many people. Because the relationship was collapsed due to lack of communication and lack of effort from my end, I feel that NC will just enforce the idea of those 2 bad traits I had in old relationship? I’m honestly confused and mentally getting weaker day by day. I’m embarrassed but I can’t stop crying every day and I’m almost thinking maybe I should completely move on because being in this grey zone hurts so bad… If someone can give me advise, that’ll be greatly appreciated.



    • Dara July 19, 2014, 10:57 pm


      It’s my bad that I cannot really suggest you anything. Apparently, she is still interested in you. Maybe you should do more NC and when she contacts you, you play it cool! Play it cool that and let her know that you still care for her. When you contact her, try to invite her for a social event. Make her know that you are the one who cares about her. By now you know it good that you should take things slow! Try to have a face to face talk to her!

    • Edward July 20, 2014, 2:29 am

      Hi yk,

      I remember you, it is great to hear from you again. I also think that you are going too fast in the relationship, but you are right, you need communication to grow in the new relationship. She is afraid that you she might get hurt again, and for her to trust you, she needs to feel safe. You have to give her time and space to think it through. If she really loves you, she will give you the chance. You don’t have to NC again, if she doesn’t contact you within the next week, ask her to hangout again. Do memorable and fun things together, but also be focused in your goals in life. Don’t worry too much about the relationship, keep you mind on happiness and everything will flow. Remember that she will be aware of how you act around her, so don’t be sad because things didn’t turn out the way you expected. Accept everything life gives to you and you will be more attractive this way.

    • yk July 20, 2014, 11:11 am

      Thanks for your responses guys,

      Thanks for your responses guys,

      It’s easier for me to focus on myself when I’m doing NC I found out, because you don’t have to worry about her at all (what she said, how she reacted..etc). When you have an open line of communication with your ex, it’s kind of tough to just forget about the ex and focus on life goals…. I wish I could do that. But somehow my brain’s not wired that way. I know it’s stupid but I find myself sometimes waiting for her to text me… and stuff like that just bothers me the most about myself. It’s really hard to get mixed signals from the ex constantly, so that I don’t see where I stand. But I will def not initiate the conversation from my end next week, to see what happens… I guess. And Edward, like you said, if I don’t hear from her, I’ll ask her out next weekend to see where we are at. I guess giving up is easy… to fight is not.

      • RAED July 21, 2014, 2:45 am


        Hey, we are very much the same. It is very easy to focus on ourselves when we do NC because we feel we don’t owe them any contact because it is NC. I stopped doing NC and replied to her messages and I felt unstable because it is like a responsibility. I am confused too ha ha. I mean when I quit NC and started contact again, I feel bad if I snob her. But sometimes it is hard to tell her to not contact me because I am in NC. It is hard because I want to do it but I don’t want to seem mean or snob.

        I am sorry I am not of any help because I, myself, is unstable as of now. I just wish somehow this will shed some light on how should we really respond ha ha

      • yk July 21, 2014, 5:22 pm

        Hey Raed,

        Perhaps most people on the web tell us just to go NC and to move on, but my heart says NO. I dont know if I’m being stubborn or just being weak mentally. All I know is that I can not be in this middle ground for too long. At one point, she needs to decide or I need to decide to pull the plug if she can’t. But I kind of gave timeframe for myself so I can give her or myself some sort of timeline to work with.. Though I’m not going to tell her the timeframe, I hope that kind of give me some sort of overall plan to follow. How are you dealing with this Raed?

  • Giulia July 19, 2014, 11:54 am

    Here an insite on my story:
    We’ve been together for 4 years and we’re 22.(we actually started dating at 17/18…after few months his father’s death, I think I helped him a lot )
    The last few weeks we weren’t very happy,we had lots of stupid fights (but we always overcame them easily),he was stressed by college,two works (right now he has only one and just on saturday night) and he was in the midst of negotiations to buy a motorcycle (wich ended well). I was stressed by college and by the fact that he was always busy and we haven’t had many date between us alone but we were always with our friends.
    I’ve tried many time to cut some time for us but I did understand that friends were important too, but those time where we were able to go out alone went very well. So the last few days went a bit bad mostly my fault because I wanted intimacy but he was always too tired, and that made me kinda annoyed but that would end there. So on that day I talked to him about this but I actually burst to tears because I was feeling bad about myself, he said that he was just tired to do anything and then he got angry and told me to go home because the morning after he had to work early.
    The day after he told me he needed to speak with me, and he told me that he wasn’t happy right now and that things couldn’t continue like this, I ask him to at last think about it a bit more, maybe later (crying like always, it’s a bad habit of my) and he said ok. And that day was when I sent him a lot of message. After two days I think I went to his house to talk but he wasn’t home and as I was about to leave he came back. He said that he’ll visit me that evening. When he came we talked a bit and I agreed at his request to take a brake(a pause) for one week (he said to me very serious that he didn’t want to leave me but things needed to change).
    In that week I didn’t sent him a thing nor did I call him.
    After that week on the 22th of June he came home to me saying that we needed to break up…I was a crying mess and I couldn’t speak much, but he said that he loves me but not like he used to. He said that I needed to be strong and not live for him because he thinks that I depend too much on him.
    He actually don’t want to erase me from his life, that we can be friends but not right now because it’s too soon.
    After that we met two times for our friends birthday and everything went well…I still enjoy his company and I think that he thinks that too but he does not want to give me illusions now.
    The thing that makes me confused is that we recently made so many plans like going on holiday alone (wich never happened),camping and go around on his motorbike ecc ecc…I mean if he was thinking of break up , why would he made so many plans ?
    I’m so confused because I know that I’m really important to him…I just don’t know what happened.

    • Edward July 19, 2014, 8:11 pm

      Hi Giulia,

      You two have been together for four years, he can’t forget you that easily nor can you. I think it’s best if you can start doing no contact for a month and try to be happy without him. Like he said, he doesn’t want you to depend on him all the time. He will miss you if you don’t contact him for a month. After that month when you do contact him, he’ll be surprised and will be looking forward to meet the new you. First, you should focus on improving yourself and don’t let your emotions take over you. I know he means a lot to you and you mean a lot to him. Try not to think of him right now, just concentrate on your goals. Give him some time, don’t contact him and if he keeps contacting you, tell him you need space.

    • Edward July 19, 2014, 8:19 pm

      Forgot to add, why he wants to make plans with you but he has never committed to it. He is just as confused as you are, giving him space will let both of you think it through. That’s why you should do no contact, it will give him time to miss you and really want to. It has to be his idea to get back to you, don’t chase anymore and you’ll have a better chance.

      • Giulia July 20, 2014, 10:51 am

        Yes I’ve started NC days ago and I’m doing fine, I still have moments when my mind just go to him but I’m keeping me busy with college and friends.
        On the 26th I’m going away on vacation with my parents, hopefully this will relax me a bit more. In the meantime I’m working on myself, I wear contacts now,I’ve lost weight,changed my hair ,bought new clothes and I’m starting to feel more confident in myself.
        I ,sometimes, also feel confident that I can win him back.
        I’ll just let him see how much I’ve changed physically and mentally , I’ll never depend on him because that’s not the relationship I want with him anymore, I really hope that when the times comes I’ll know how to let him see it.
        PS: We’ve made those plans like a week before the break up, so…what happend in his head I’ll never know right now.
        Thanks for taking time to answer!

        • Edward July 20, 2014, 3:30 pm

          Good luck Giulia! Keep us updated.

          • Giulia July 21, 2014, 11:28 am

            …I forgot a really important thing.
            I was his first girlfriend and he was mine first boyfriend.
            He’s not the kind of guy that let others sees his feelings, he always put on the “tough guy” mode. He is really stubborn and sometimes a bit thick about other people feelings (he doesn’t mean any harm, it’s just the way he is ) in fact I was surprised when he had tears in his eyes when he was breaking up with me…I mean this should be a good thing…?
            That sound almost that he was a bad person…that could not be more wrong, yes he has his flaws, but he is a honest,caring (in his special way),strongest , blockhead person I’ve ever known. He could make me mad to the extreme but just a stupid joke from him and I could do nothing but laugh…
            Around February he asked me out for a drink, but in fact he wanted to talk about how we needed to work on ourselves physically (we both didn’t work on our body from sometime) so we could be more happy about eachother. After that I started to work out and the results made us both happy…then after months,when the stress hit, everything started to go downhill without me noticing how bad the situation was in his eyes.

  • Anon July 18, 2014, 10:34 pm

    Hi everyone and a.z
    She said that none can replace me ever but at the same time she said that she can’t be in a relationship.
    She had a status saying she is in the friend zone and later cleared that it was not for me.
    What should I do ?

    • Anon July 18, 2014, 10:36 pm

      Hi Rihanna as you’re in a LDR I need your advice here. A.z you too. And Kevin too.
      She said no one can ever replace me but then that status! I kinda freaked out

    • Anon July 18, 2014, 10:40 pm

      I am really confused this is not the first time someone else is coming in between us.
      Should I say that as that was not for me I don’t feel comfortable talking ? I don’t wanna be in the friend zone. Well its really confusing because its not the first time these things are happening after our break. She continues to do so. I am not sure how to proceed.

    • Anon July 18, 2014, 11:20 pm

      Just now she said that it’s next to impossible to be friends and that she had started a conversation in general.

      • Rihanna July 19, 2014, 12:11 am

        Hi Anon,

        Try not to worry too much about what goes on on fb and the likes because things can very easily be misinterpreted. Your ex is talking to you in real life as a person and that’s great! don’t show her that you’re easily bothered by the small things otherwise she may start to hide things from you. Instead, be her confidante, someone she can open up to and the fact that she said it’s next to impossible to be friends means she still holds strong feelings for you. Keep your cool, you’re doing great :) … I don’t show like I’m bothered with him whatever he does and never question his statuses or get mad if he doesn’t reply to my text. It’s working a lot better for me than the other way cos he’s the one who calls me and involves me in his plans now. I’m not saying be cold with her and especially cos you’re in LD try to call her randomly and tell her good things about your life or share a serious moment with her that will make her feel comfortable to open up to you too, and make her feel like she’s needed and that her opinion matters to you. I rang my ex last week and said something is bothering me I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone here and he called me straight away and we discussed the issue like very good friends ;) … In LD you have to keep her intrigued and not forget about you so share yourself with her, good news, happy moments, stressful moments (small doze)… cos in your situation she still loves you so you can do all that :) that’s my opinion …

        • Anon July 19, 2014, 1:16 am

          Hi Rihanna, I was talking to her and she replied with whatever. I am not in a relatioship with her and she said she does not wants to be friends with me.
          I changed my WhatsApp number and deleted my WhatsApp old account. I was thinking for a week or so I won’t be the one to contact her. When she told me its next to impossible to be friends I relied no problem. She did not reply me back.
          I wanna get back happy again and then start using my old WhatsApp . I did this because she does not seems interested at all. She was the one to initiate the conversation but she treated me bad for the past few days. She said the conversation was just general.
          I told her as I had seen her status I thought it was for me and said things and I should have not said those as a friend.
          Should I resume with me old WhatsApp and start showing her that I am happy or can I wait a few days before that ?

          • Rihanna July 19, 2014, 2:00 am

            Hey Anon, My ex was acting like that when we first broke up and even worse, he was completely ignoring me. So what I did along with my NC is I hid my ‘last seen’ on Whatsapp so that he wasn’t able to tell whether I’m active on it or not. However, I changed my profile pic on whatsapp and my profile pic on facebook where I got lots of likes and comments and I commented back sounding very happy and positive. Every now and then I’d go out and write on my status: ‘I had a great night thank you (names) for making my night special and the food was YUM!’ some things like that but not anything to convey that I’m dating or I have a suitor (that’s wrong if you want your ex back). After 30 days of maintaining a positive attitude online I sent him a letter via facebook messaging saying that ‘the past is the past I’m moving forward with my life but it would be a shame to lose contact even as friends’… He rang me after that letter 2 days later and we’ve been on good talking terms since, he even shares his life plans with me. I don’t think you should stop anything that you’re doing eg: whatsapp or facebook cos that will give her the idea that you’re suffering and that’s why you stopped them. We women always assume things and even if it’s not true we make ourselves believe that it is because it is in our nature to love attention especially from men especially ones we’re attracted to. My advice also is, do not by any means show her interest that you’re jealous over her statuses etc… she’ll think ‘OMG he’s so obsessed with me’ and take advantage of that, so even though she would want to get back with you she’d play harder to get because she knows you care TOO much. Especially when she’s got a pic with a guy friend of hers on FB just ignore it like it doesn’t bother you one bit. In the meantime keep your adventures interesting and fun and if you have pretty girls for friends get them to like and leave cute comments on your pics. Do Not post sleezy pics, or nights you’ve had too much to drink, or girls sitting on your lap…etc… there’s a fine line between sleezy yuck and an attractive hunk and you want to come across as the latter. Give her some more space and time and let her come to you slowly. Good luck

          • Anon July 19, 2014, 3:07 am

            Thank you so much Rihanna. Should I resume my WhatsApp today or after some time? I had planned to do it after a week or so.
            She is not added on my Facebook I had removed her as a friend.
            The difference here is that I already had a no contact of 45 days and then she had only texted me now she refuses to be friends. She told me that she had missed me. Now she has stopped texting at all. But I know that she is talking to this guy friend for hours and hours. I am still confused weather to disappear for some time or not.

          • a.z July 19, 2014, 7:53 am

            i agree with rihanna,but first you need to be relax and work on yourself.i’m not saying that you should restart NC for a long time.but i suggest LC. and let her chase you sometimes. thats not impossible. disappear for a very little while.wait until she contacts you and seriously don’t think about any negative things and don’t care if they are talking or not.the more you chase her right now,the more you are pushing her further away.let her think that you are moving on.and you don’t think about getting back together.

          • Anon July 19, 2014, 11:09 am

            Thank you guys, I was gonna tell her about everything I feel and then disappear but I guess I should not do so.
            I am very sad because I think I will have to leave the city she lives in and it makes me cry every time I think about it. I wanna share things with her so badly. Almost everything is pulling me down but you guys really help. Thanks :)

          • Anon July 20, 2014, 12:17 am

            Guys I am feeling like what I was feeling when we broke up, I wake up every single night dreaming of her, I am stuck with my career too, I can’t even think properly, please help.

          • a.z July 20, 2014, 2:25 pm

            whatever you feel right now,is normal.you are hurt and you should give yourself some time to heal.i totally understand you but you should work on yourself.don’t stalk her at all.go out and have some fun.don’t talk about her to anyone.whenever you think like you wanna talk ,come here and talk to us.focus on your job.you should distract yourself for a little while.be sure little by little things are getting better.

  • Dara July 18, 2014, 9:32 pm


    My ex girlfriend replied to my email after 2 days! This reply was rather heart-braking! We are close to East-Coast and she said that she is moving to West-Coast next week!! It means I won’t see for a long long time, maybe for ever! There will be 3 hours time difference between us! She has a lot of friends there including two ex boyfriends!!

    • Rihanna July 18, 2014, 9:46 pm

      Hi Dara,

      I’m sorry to hear that. But did she say anything else other than moving away in her email? At least she still cares enough to share that with you, it’s good that she responded and any response is better than none. I am in a LD from my ex and with today’s technology it can still work out although it is harder. You could still fb and skype and snapchat and whatsapp each other and if your circumstances allow you can visit each other from time to time once you get close enough.
      Don’t worry about her two ex boyfriends, if she wanted to get back with an ex she’d get back with her most recent one. Obviously she would’ve had to move on ages ago from those two exes to be able to date a new person, you. Concentrate on yourself and being a good supportive friend for her instead. I know LD is hard. Good luck Dara :)

      • a.z July 18, 2014, 10:13 pm

        Dear Dara,
        i’m really really happy that she replied to your email and its really good and i’m really sorry that she is leaving but its not like the end of the story. its upto you whether you want to go for it and give it a try to have a long distance relationship and its not really impossible.don’t worry about the exes.i have been somewhere for a while that i had more than 2 exes there and nothing happened.try to meet her before she leaves,be cool and confident and i’m really sure you are.then i believe you know exactly what to do next.

    • Dara July 18, 2014, 11:23 pm

      Dear Rihanna and a.z.,

      She sent me a sincere letter! I could see what annoyed her about her life lately. With my experience, it is great to know what annoys a girl! She kept it as a secret when our relationship went sour! Yes, I consider it a positive sign!

      You know, its been a long time that I did not have a wonderful sex! Plus to me, a great relationship is sex and love! I am no more that teenage guy who would get high on talking to a girl on the phone! I need real girls in my life! I think its over if she goes away! Oops! A typo in my previous comment, she said she will probably move in around the first week of August. So, probably in 2-3 weeks!

      Also, I don’t really care about her ex boyfriends! I don’t know why did I mention it up there! I remember once she said that there were 2 guys that she loved to marry in her life. One was me! :) The other one is married! :)

      Kevin, I always loved you emails but I hated your address at the bottom of your emails! In January, she spent 10 days without me over there! Now she can drive there half a day! ha ha ha…

      • Dara July 19, 2014, 1:55 am

        PS: When she was there (East coast), she would say, “how come you are not asleep now? Go to bed!”. In fact, I couldn’t sleep when she was not around! So, I was awake till morning sometimes! ha ha ha….

        • Dara July 19, 2014, 1:55 am

          Typo!!!! West coast!

          • Rihanna July 19, 2014, 2:14 am

            Hey Dara,

            I have a feeling you two will end up together. I hope I’m right :)

          • a.z July 19, 2014, 4:34 am

            me too,i’m really waiting for good news from you.

    • Dara July 19, 2014, 8:01 am

      Thanks a.z. and Rihanna! Truly appreciate your reply and hopes you to induce in me.

      I think its probably over. I sent her the reply this morning and invited her to catch up this evening. I was mad like 3 months ago, I would reply her instantly. ha ha ha… Probably I would have written a second letter to complete what I did not say in the first letter! ha ha ha… Thanks to this NC! I am much stronger now.

      I believe there are really very slim chances. I believe I can handle it really good.

      Thanks again!

      • a.z July 19, 2014, 8:57 am

        i’m glad that you are ok .you are disappointed not because of your stage( cuz its actually good) but because you don’t like to be in a long distance relationship.but its not really that bad.you can visit time to time and seriously it can’t be that bad.btw i’m really happy to see you are doing good.

        • Dara July 19, 2014, 11:44 am

          Last night I drank a lot but simply listened to music and thought of what could I write in my email today. She replied it back in an hour. Her response was neutral. She said she has a plan for tonight so she can’t have dinner with me. I think I missed something in her response just now (LOL)! I did not talk about GSI. That wasn’t really good but I think that will be a good reason to catch her up though text and ask her what is this job that she is going to start over there!

          Oh! a.z., I talked to that lifeguard girl a couple of days ago, she said she’s here just for summer and will go back to another state. So she’s out. Before that I had talked to girl (remember she wrote her name on my hand to be friends on facebook first?). She will also go to another country in December and what I understood from her words is that she does not like start a relationship what would eventually end in nothing. So she’s out too! Yet, there are a lot girls that I have in my mind to talk to next. I have been going on the basis of my priority so far. LOL

          Coming back to my ex, I believe goodbye is inevitable. Maybe I sound mean but frankly its a long time that I did not have sex! Sex makes me think fluent. Long Distance (which is the best case that I am with my ex) does not work for me.

          I feel good today! Yeayyy!!

          • a.z July 19, 2014, 1:46 pm

            your comment made me smile,i guess you are the second champ here .keep up the good job Dara. i’m sure with these huge wave of girls around you ,we are gonna hear that you are in a relationship soon lol. and your comment shows how much you have improved yourself during NC.you are simply saying that you don’t want to get back with her and you are really ok with it.
            keep us posted Dara

          • Dara July 19, 2014, 4:05 pm


            The fact is that today my feelings are mixed. I sometimes think that if she is gone, I will miss her. Sometimes I feel that I can date anyone without any regrets. I was on Facebook and just happened to see one of our conversations! It was all praises on how awesome I am and how she loved me!

          • a.z July 20, 2014, 2:35 pm

            i understand you,i still feel the same.i used to reread our msgs on fb and it felt awful.don’t do it again.i totally know how you feel but don’t think about the future right now. she is still there and no one knows what will happen in the future.try to have more fun these days,go out.try not to think about negative things at all.i don’t know if you you are planning to meet her or not but i think it would be better to show her how strong and confident you are.

          • a.z July 20, 2014, 2:44 pm

            and about me, i don’t feel anything for the new guy anymore.it has been like a couple of days that i’m like this.he is really hot but i don’t even like to kiss him,so it sounds like another rebound.i miss my ex.after i unblocked him,he sent me a few msgs and every time i replied too late ( not on purpose ) .he said he is not back yet.and he is kinda cold and i think its because i unblocked him too late.i think he feels like i don’t care and he is acting kinda cold.i’m really tired of this hide and seek kinda game.and i don’t know why,whenever i talk to him i feel kinda bad and its not just because he is cold.i feel bad when i remember him.i miss him and i don’t like this feeling its really hurting me.i’m doing everything to be happy and its not like i think about him all the time ,but i miss him.

          • Dara July 20, 2014, 4:05 pm


            I understand you. Your case is different from mine. You talked about marrying one day. We did not talk about it. Whenever she tried to talk about marriage, I strayed away.

            I know for you playing it hard has become a part of your personality. It’s hard to change it over a night. It takes some time. Showing him new you also takes time. When he start trusting that you have changed he will come much closer to you. I personally believe that you will end up being together.

            By the way, I got a girl’s number today in the gym. She’s a bit taller than me! If she becomes my next girlfriend she’ll be the tallest one! ha ha ha… Probably 1 foot 2 inch (or around 40 cm) taller than my previous girlfriend! ha ha ha… Unfortunately, she said she will go back to her home at the end of this week and won’t be here for 3 weeks! I want it now!!! ha ha ha…

          • a.z July 20, 2014, 4:32 pm

            yeah,i need to show him that i’m changing and it takes time.thank you for being optimistic.
            wow ,it really makes me happy.every girl is kinda into you :D. lol you still have time to hang out with her,then wait for her and hang out with other girls until she getd back :D

          • Dara July 20, 2014, 5:34 pm


            I am glad that I can talk to you here!

            I hate thinking like this about my ex, but I have a feeling that she is slightly a kind of “gold digger”. I have checked her Facebook pictures with her ex boyfriends. They traveled to a lot of places. Yet, they were wealthy. To her mind, an ideal life is that in which you travel to Florida one week and then go to California the next week. But I am grown up in a family where education is the most important thing. Yet, I have a scholarship to do PhD in Engineering. This stipend is enough for a student live and have a road trip (even to Florida/California) once in breaks! When we were in good days, she would say that when we marry and I graduate, we’ll become rich! She kept calculating my future salary! My mind says that she is not the right girl for me though she also had a lot of good characters!

            About today’s girl; she was looking at me and I realized that she might be interested in me. So I went to her and asked her about her number and invited to play volleyball with my friends. LOL

            a.z., please feel free to update me! I think you are a bit down today!

          • a.z July 20, 2014, 6:48 pm

            So am i,
            Well,if you really think like that,then i should say you deserve someone really really better than her or she doesn’t deserve you.but deep down i don’t like to say that. i do believe she has also lots of + point cuz you are an amazing person and she made you love her once for a long time so she must be an amazing person too.but when you start to see the negative points of your ex,its really a good sign and it means that you worked on yourself really well and this is what i say every time i read your comments.and still i’m saying its really upto you to continue and get her back or not cuz i’m sure you are strong,confident and attractive enough to reattract her.i have never seen you and never heard your voice and i have no memory with you in real life ( although i believe you are not just a virtual friend to me ),but i really like you ( in a good way :D ) ,i mean how can she not like you?she loved you once and you have been acting great since you started to follow the plan.
            and i said before,whenever a girl stares at you,she is definitely into you.well done :D

            yeah to be honest,i think he is just losing time.and i told you the day he called,he said,IF IF everything will be ok someday,then we are gonna get back together.why would he say if like that? it was more like don’t be optimistic ayria,we are not gonna get back with each other cuz nothing is gonna be alright haha.
            he just doesn’t have a heart to let me go and lose me forever and i think he kinda doesn’t want me to start a new relationship and then he is really successful cuz i can’t start a relationship.and since it has been long time and now that he is acting like this,and hasn’t called or text or anything in a week,i think he is moving on.i don’t know why but counting the days kinda makes me sick.whenever i say its been 5 months,i feel like its enough.i don’t even want to see him cuz i’m scared.i don’t want to feel depressed again.i’m scared that i meet him again,and again and again and then after the perfect date which it will end up having sex,i become a complete depressed psycho while he is happy thinking that after 6 or 7 months i’m still not over him.
            i know i shouldn’t be thinking about future like that,but i just wanted you to know how i really feel.
            and i can’t take a step forward because i’m really scared,if i was sure about his feelings,i wouldn’t have lost a moment to show him how much i love him. its crazy but i am also thinking that i should be the one who tells him i need time cuz i can’t forget the past.i can’t forget what he did to me.he almost killed me,that month was the worst month of my life and now i’m doing everything so he can forgive me?
            i’m really tired of everything and i remember when kevin says if its meant to be he is gonna come back. and then again i say to myself that i didn’t even started the most important plan to reattract him and i’m always running from meeting him.
            sorry it was too long ,i have never said these to anyone but i wanted you to know.i’m still hurt and really scared.

          • Dara July 20, 2014, 7:26 pm

            Hey a.z.,

            I read the whole story twice! I clearly understand you! I will be glad to see if you have more to add! As I said before, I believe he has also started playing mind games. I remember one of Kevin’s recent comments. He said to someone who gave up that, giving up is the best solution but I still find people who would like to endure the pain to get their ex back.

            I believe in general these “breakup days” have made you strong! Even though you might feel low once in a while, they are not comparable to days. Remember, you said you were close to commit suicide? Now, the story has changed! You are no more close to that point!

            I can understand that your feelings towards this new guy might be nothing, but fake it and go for it (at least for now). It will help you overcome a lot of things. They say sex is mood stabilizer to both men and women! That’s not cheating in your case or mine! Do it!

            You know something, I feel this girl has delay in replying me back in texts. There are chances that she is not the one but I am confident enough not to get upset! The idea that she was starring at me assures me that she was thinking of me with her. I also have two more options in my mind right now. These two are colleagues and I don’t want to talk to one while the other one is there! If one is out, I should count on the other! LOL

            a.z., write me more! I will be glad to hear you!! I also like the way you comment!

          • a.z July 20, 2014, 8:11 pm

            thank you very much Dara, you always make me fool good
            we had a small conversation right after i posted the last comment here.i saw he was online and i initiated it.he was TRYING to act good.or maybe i feel this way because he said he was just finished with his works and was really tired.i didn’t ask about the wifi but once he said he had no internet access.he said he is getting back tomorrow.he tried to joke a little and thats it.
            yeah i know but every time i want to let go,i feel like the meetings are the most important part of the plan.i really want to show him the new me.and i hope during this time he can see the change in my behavior and everything.
            dara,please tell me if i’m doing the right thing,i will be even really glad to let it go now but i don’t like to regret about anything later.after the chat i cried for him after about 2 months.
            and the new guy is making me feel stressed.every time i’m busy doing something,he says are you not calling me cuz you are thinking about your ex? :O :O and that makes me think about my ex more.i seriously can’t take anymore pressure.thank you very much for being here for me.

            and about that girl,well its a kinda method we use when we are texting new guys :D .don’t worry if she doesn’t reply right after your text. and its great that you have other options around.so you go for it lol.anygirl would be so lucky to have you as her boyfriend.you are such a good friend .

          • Dara July 20, 2014, 9:01 pm


            I can see your feelings through you comments. I can’t say that you are 100% right. I also cannot say you are 100% wrong. There are always nuance things happening that you never get to explain them here! But you know them deep in your mind! You just cannot explain them! I can see that this hot guy is a rebound! I also feel bad that you are still confused after this long time!

            I remember that Kevin recommended sometime to give yourself a deadline and do whatever you think might be best for your relationship. If that deadline is passed and you could not attain what you want, move on! In you case, I find it hard to say! It’s really hard! Maybe you have to do this to convince yourself. Do whatever you think that might bring you two together. If it does not work after the deadline you made, move on! This stress is really killing! It’s even hard for me to judge now! He has reasons to show he does not care and you also have reasons for it!

            Anyway, my suggestion is to give him a period like 2 months in your mind. Act like a man! Invite him! Do whatever is expected! If you do not get what you expected, move on! This stress is really tremendous! It will affect you life for years!!

            Anyway, I believe tomorrow you will feel much better! This is how the trend is! One day you feel bad, the other day you are not sure why exactly you felt so bad yesterday!!

            take care a.z. and update me! I am here!

          • a.z July 20, 2014, 9:24 pm

            thank you so much,i can’t appreciate your presence in words.
            actually i feel really really better now.the deadline idea is really good.2 months from now.and i’m gonna meet him 3 times.so september 20th is gonna be the last day of this breakup story.if it won’t work i’m gonna remove him from everything in my life forever.and it feels good.
            you can’t imagine how much you helped me with this idea.i wish i could make you feel good.but you are too strong and you don’t need me to feel good.
            so its a deal and i’m not gonna break it.and you don’t have to let me say a word about him after this time.
            thank you so so much dara xoxo

          • Dara July 20, 2014, 9:38 pm


            Please don’t say that you won’t say anything about him to us! This deal means that you can undergo any destructive feelings which you need to share with us! So please don’t hesitate to share it with us! I am here to talk about it!

          • a.z July 21, 2014, 8:10 am

            Thank you Dara xxxx

          • Dara July 21, 2014, 12:30 pm

            You are welcome a.z.!!

  • dew July 18, 2014, 9:05 pm


    I’m back n a relationship with my ex after a period of nc. We’re happier dan before nd everythng is going pretty much better. In our previous I was like a wife type of gf.. but now i’m cool with stuff and not needy at all. But yesterday my guy told that he wants to go to a strip club with me. :-( i’m so hurt since then because he already knows that i would love to do strip teasing for him. (We have never gone to a room yet but we talk about future nd stuff we wanna do) obviously i don’t wanna see some other girl stripping infront of my guy and giving him lap dances. I told him that I don’t like his idea, but since he got that thought he’ll anyways go with or without my permission. So i told him to do anything he likes but at the end if i get to know something hurtful i might leave. and he was like ‘jeez! The wify gf is back again. What happened to my cool gf?????’

    I can’t be cool with this stripping club issue. :-( i’m so worried. I didn’t talk much with him after that conversation. :-( please tell me what to do.

    • a.z July 18, 2014, 9:52 pm

      hey dew,
      i know how you feel right now but if he says he wants to go with you,its not that bad.he could have gone there alone without telling you anything.i think you might be over reacting.and this is one of the things that may make our partners lie in a relationship.i’m not saying to do whatever he wants but you should be cool and relaxed.if you don’t like the idea,just say how you really feel about that and what you expect from him.you can’t predict things by saying that you will leave if you find anything hurtful.i went to a strip club with my ex,i mean i suggested to go there,and since i was with him,nothing bad happened. it was actually really fun lol . you should know that your boyfriend doesn’t want to hurt you .

    • Rihanna July 18, 2014, 9:54 pm

      Hey dew,

      I had zero problems with what I’ve read even with going to strip tease (and I’m more of a traditional type of girl) and then something bothered me in your post, and funny it wasn’t the ‘let’s go to a strip club’ but this: ‘Jeez! the wifey gf is back again. What happened to my cool gf?’ hmmm, wifey gf= someone I’d commit to and have a future with; vs cool gf= someone I’d have fun with. I hope I’m wrong so let’s hear what others have to say…

      • a.z July 18, 2014, 10:30 pm

        i don’t think if he means he just want to have fun with her. he says wifey gf to say she is acting the way most of the wives do and its when the wives act like mothers. and i believe most of the men like their wives to be like cool gfs. its not about just going to strip clubs.the important thing is to understand each other and have a good relationship.

        • Rihanna July 19, 2014, 2:17 am

          I agree with a.z, he might mean the wifey gf= don’t mother me. I’m gonna suggest what once kevin suggested, give yourself a time limit let say 3 months or 6 (you would know better) and go have fun with him if you’re saying that this new relationship with him is much better than before then, why not be open minded with each other and do the fun things you enjoy. If in 6 months time your relationship doesn’t progress AT ALL and he’s still just having fun and using the ‘wifey gf’ excuse, I’d probably move on from him. But like a.z said if you’re both on the same page and have an understanding of what you want to achieve out of life in your relationship, then you know best what to do :)

          • dew July 19, 2014, 9:18 am

            I should think about it further. Anyways he told that he wnt mention anything about it again.. this issue might lead him to cheat but I ll go with the flow. :-)

  • a.z July 18, 2014, 7:47 pm

    hey Dara,Edward,Rihanna,Festival David,
    remember when i blocked him on facebook that nigh?i guess it has been 10 days now.when he called me the nest day,we talked alot and in the end, he asked me to unblock him and send him a friend request again.and i said i will.he went to another city and there was no internet access. he sent me the you should promise me something… text and since then,we had no contact (like 6 or 7 days ).i know he is back now and i haven’t unblocked him yet.and i don’t know what to do. isn’t it crazy to unblock him after 10 days out of nowhere?
    i think i should wait until he contacts me and then i should say something like i was busy ,i’m sorry i forgot it.
    seriously i have no idea.and since that night ( the night we argued) , he told my friend that he doesn’t want to get back with me,i’m not initiating any contact.
    what do you guys think i should do?

    • Rihanna July 18, 2014, 9:34 pm

      Hey a.z,

      In my opinion unblocking on facebook is a good idea especially that he asked you to do it regardless whether or not you fought with each other I think it might be a positive thing. 1) he might be waiting for some contact from you cos he has an ego and doesn’t want to initiate since you both fought. 2) Unblocking him is a way of contact but it’s not really an initiation from you either, it’s a good way to sort of wake him up ‘Hey! I’m still here’ but without hurting your pride and if he says anything just say ‘I promised to unblock you and I always keep my promises’. And don’t worry about what he said to your friend, obviously he still holds hope for you and he was just angry when he told your friend he doesn’t want to initiate contact. I think you should leave friends out of it. If I were you I’d pretend I don’t know what he’s told my friend and still act friendly with him because you don’t 100% know for sure he’s told your friend that. I think ‘Unblocking’ him would be a step to contact with him again and it’s way better than a message on its own at this stage. Next time you two meet, try ending an argument with him should one arise, especially if it’s over stupid things, it’ll show maturity on your end and is more attractive than a woman yelling back. Good luck a.z :)

    • Dara July 18, 2014, 9:49 pm

      Come on a.z.!! You are reading a book on “Non-Violence Communication!” Unblock him! Don’t bother what he said to his friends! That doesn’t count! Truly!

      Its up to you! If you want a progress take a step! He asked you to Unblock him and you agreed. Don’t be a deal-breaker!

      • a.z July 18, 2014, 9:57 pm

        you are right, i just sent him a friend request. thank you very much guys xoxo

        • Dara July 18, 2014, 11:51 pm

          Great a.z.! If it was me, I would invite my friends to a party or a drink at least on seeing that “Friend’s request”! I know you want “him ” to take a step but sometime it really great to see when a girl takes the role of a man in a relationship! That’s really attractive when a man loves a girl! Probably in your case, it’s true!

          • a.z July 19, 2014, 4:32 am

            thanks dara,he accepted my request and said: what a surprise!

          • Dara July 19, 2014, 8:03 am

            ha ha ha ha ha… I was truly a surprise to him! Good!

          • Dara July 19, 2014, 8:11 am

            Franky I don’t know why, but I write “I” instead of “It” and “you” instead of “your” in some of my comments! I don’t like these typos!

  • Diana July 18, 2014, 9:33 am

    Hey guys! Anyone have any insight for me? http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/comment-page-9/#comment-31735

    Thanks so much!!

    • Dara July 18, 2014, 10:01 am


      I think I can understand your guy. I also believe that I did not have any support for many years and I am a “ONE MAN ARMY”. I even hate it people try to unnecessarily support me because it destroys the idea of “ONE MAN ARMY”.

      Marriage is a commitment. If your guy has been on his own, his soul must be tired by now. Being cheated makes soul more frustrated. He is not ready for more loads at this moment.

      I believe what you are doing is the best. Make some distance with him. If you get closer to him, it will push him away. Let him come back to you. Apparently he is interested in you. He is doing therapy because he finds something wrong with him at this moment. He texted you when he was drunk because when we are drunk we miss the ones we love. However this love does not necessarily mean reconciliation. So, do what you were doing till now. I see you in the right track!

      Just a side note on you child: more likely he will be antagonist or atheist! LOL My parents were from two different religions and backgrounds, I believe in non! LOL

      Best of luck Diana!

      • Diana July 18, 2014, 11:59 am

        Thanks Dara! Unfortunately I just don’t think he’s going to come back to me as much as I want him to. I think he loved me SO much that he lost himself in it. He told me when we broke up that he wasn’t used to worrying so much about someone else (me), etc. I call that love but I guess it was just a new concept to him. So now, besides having his issues, he also needs to take time to re-center himself. Of course I also don’t want to wait around forever which is why I’m trying to date other people but my heart isn’t in it. I guess I’ll just stick with what I’ve been doing and see what happens. Thanks for your insight :)

        • Dara July 19, 2014, 2:01 am

          I think you know well what going on!! Best of luck!!

  • julia July 18, 2014, 4:04 am

    Kevin I need your help!

    So I met him at the airport, as I have told you previously we had booked the same tickets when we were still together. I approached him and we had a small chit chat. I was calm and pleasant and I told him about my new projects (a dance performance and some interview jobs). He was indeed quite impresssed.But I got the feeling tha he was too calm and friendly. Is it possible he is already in the friend zone?

    I was the first who left the conversation. The fact is that a friend of mine just told me that he knows that I know about this other person in his life. Remember we broke up about 2 months ago after a 2 and half years relationship.

    Is there still hope? I am so perplexed and sad after I saw him that cool. Should I begin my NC again since I met him yesterday? All of a sudden I feel so desperate!

    please help………


    • a.z July 18, 2014, 7:27 pm

      how long have you been on NC? btw don’t worry if he was cool and acted like friends.this is what you exactly need to do.you should be cool and act like friends. i don’t know about your NC timing.if its finished then its ok.contact him and act like friends.i mean you can use the word friends( its actually the falsefriendship ),then he will feel the same as you do right now.try to have a short sweet conversation like a couple of times.then meet him and again act like friends.be cool about everything.don’t expect anything emotional from him and avoid being romantic.the more you try to act like friends,hopefully the more he will want you as his girlfriend later.bring up the good memories you two had in the past and try to create good memories.his mind will automatically join them to the time you had in bliss.always be cool,happy and confident. never talk about negative things and never say anything about the breakup reason or getting back together.meet him again after some time and create scarcity.this means that you should act the way that he feels like your presence is gonna be over soon and he might be losing you forever.he doesn’t have to be sure if you are dating someone or anything.then again continue being cool and meet him again.and this should be a perfect date and end up in a place you two can be intimate.as kevin suggested,read ryan rivers relationship rewind.it will explain what exactly you should do.

      • julia July 19, 2014, 3:01 am

        A.z thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it!

        Actually before I met him I was in 2 weeks NC.Which I believe is too soon since I didn’handle our break up that well. I did many of the mistakes that Kevin has mentioned. And now I feel awful about it.

        I was trying to show him that I am moving on with my life and doing things I love. But I think it’s too soon for this “friend” zone.

        Plus the fact that he is seeing someone else makes it quite hard for me. I am thinking of keeping the NC plan for at least 2 months. What do you think?..

        Again thank you…:)

        • a.z July 19, 2014, 7:41 am

          your welcome,
          since you didn’t act needy when u saw him at the air port,i think 1 month is enough.and probably he will contact you during this time.don’t worry if he is seeing someone its probably a rebound.don’t ever say anything about it to him.just be cool.i insist on trying to show him that you are really having a great time without him.check your situation after NC.if you are not ok ,continue it for 2 or 3 weeks and if he contacts during this additional time,break it and act like friends.
          and don’t worry about the mistakes you have made,its ok. he will forget about it soon.as long as you are being cool and confident,there is nothing to worry about.
          Good luck

          • julia July 19, 2014, 10:56 am

            A.z you’r right. I haven’t mentioned though a crucial detail. My roomate and friend is also his friend ( actually they know each other longer time). I know she tries to stay neutral and it’s quite hard for her too.

            My ex though told me at the airport that I asked about him and he knows it. I assume my friend told him that she had to tell me about this ‘rebound relationship’ since I kept asking her. How bad do you think that is? Of course I decided never ever to speak about this issue to my friend.I don’t think I can trust her that much.

            Again thanks…

          • a.z July 19, 2014, 3:19 pm

            you are doing the right thing.never talk about anything about him to her.in fact you can use it as your advantage.tell her you have been thinking and its weird but you saw him and it was not like what you thought it would be.that you are really ok and you are moving on.then pretend like you don’t care and you don’t want to talk about him.
            don’t worry if he knows you kept asking about him.its done and its in the past.the most important thing is that you haven’t shown anger or neediness and you haven’t talked about it to him.everything you did was normal ,i mean everyone wants to know what their exes are doing and its been 2 weeks after your NC so that was really normal.just be cool.you will be fine.

  • DF July 17, 2014, 7:30 pm


    Just hung out with her. We meditated together. After we were done, we went outside because she wanted to talk. she told me she felt guilty cause I was there (since she is with the RR). And also said felt guilty that’s I had to go through it. I asked if she wanted me to go away and she said “I don’t know. ” asked if she wanted me I. Her life and she said the same. long story short, I told her I’m going to step back, but always be there for her. We said I love you.

    Can I get your thoughts. Really confused.


    • a.z July 17, 2014, 7:51 pm

      sorry for jumping in,but you shouldn’t have said that you are always there for her.i mean she can continue with her RR with a relaxed mind.she has no worries for losing you.i guess you should wait for a couple of days,then text her and say you have been thinking and you respect her choice but you want to move on,wish her the best in her new relationship and say you can be friends again after some time. then start NC
      i know it hurts,but don’t panic.if she loves you, she is not gonna move on over the next month.you need to to this if you don’t want to be the third wheel or a backup.you can contact her again after NC and this time u need to follow the plan without showing her any signs of love.

      • DF July 17, 2014, 8:05 pm

        Thanks a.z. Don’t be sorry for jumping in, it’s great advice!

        I only said I’ll be there because of her health issues. I planned on going NC tonight. I know she’s not going to forget me. I will also tell her that I want to move on as well. And then go NC. I left out some details to keep it short.

        At the end I wished her the best with everything. And said I’m going to go away.

        • Edward July 17, 2014, 8:27 pm

          Hey DF,

          After a rebound relationship, people need a little space and time to figure it out what they want. She knows you love her and you’ve already did your best to try and make it work. If you give her space and time to think about it, maybe she’ll come back. Keep in contact with her, always be warm and friendly and keep hanging out with her if she wants to. Get into her comfort zone and make sure not to come across as needy. You’ll know when she is annoyed and so back off when she feels that way. Let her decide because you don’t want to always be the one chasing. In my experience with my ex, this is how I’ve dealt with this situation. When I asked my ex if she wanted to be together with me, she said she didn’t know too. But I have confidence that if I ask her now, she’ll say yes. So follow the plan and you should have a good chance, good luck and stay cool (:

          • DF July 17, 2014, 9:03 pm

            Thanks Edward. She is currently in a relationship, which I believe to be a rebound. Again , I think I’m gonna lay low and wait til the missing feeling happens. It’s great advice. And i am moving on with my life


    • Dara July 18, 2014, 6:08 am


      I have been following your story. It confused me too. I believe a.z. and Edward said the best approach. Now, it makes sense why she wanted to friend-zone you.

      • DF July 18, 2014, 8:07 am

        Hi Dara.

        All the advice has been great. But it’s definitely gotten a bit confusing.

        Last night through text, I wished her the best and told her this is a good time for me to move on and we can be friends when some time passes.

        She responded with a picture of her puppy. We joked back and forth about that. And then she sent another picture of a short she was wearing and she said “Just know that this reminds me of you.”

        She’s been texting me since 730am today. Commented on my outfit first thing. So if it was confusing before, I think I’m more confused now. She just rolled right past me saying I’m gonna move on and all that! Haha


        • Dara July 18, 2014, 9:32 am


          I believe she is confused too. She’s undecided between you and him. So she go back and comes forth. I believe you should apply NC. She has to decide.

          I have experience somewhat the same situation DF when she ignored me but then she send “something remind me of you”(I’m totally blocked now ha ha ha…). I truly understand your confusion. Don’t allow her to play with your feelings. Do NC for your sake and for her to conclude what she wants.

          We’ll be glad to hear updates from you!

          Best of luck DF.

          • DF July 18, 2014, 10:42 am

            Thanks again Dara.

            Gonna go NC see what happens.

            Thanks for the support everyone!

          • Dara July 18, 2014, 1:01 pm

            You’re welcome DF!

            It’s really hard to see anyone in the situation that I was in the first days after the breakup even before the breakup when nothing seemed to be working.

            Thanks again!

  • David July 17, 2014, 6:47 pm

    Kevin and everyone else:
    First, I want to say thanks so much for the time you’ve spent reading my comments, responding, and getting involved in my story. Though the pain still hasn’t gotten better despite my best efforts over the last 3 months or so, I came across a realization. I need to go about this in my own way from now on. I’m still going to follow most of this advice, so thanks for the article and the emails (I’ll still be reading the emails). However, I realized that this stuff may work for normal girls, but the girl I fell in love with was no normal girl. She was so different from your typical girl, and that’s why I fell in love with her. I need to stop asking you guys for advice before I do anything. I just need to pray to God that I do the right thing and trust myself for once. In fact, that’s probably one of the reasons she lost attraction for me in the first place. Thanks for the support, the interpretations, and the advice. But I need to do the rest without help.
    It’ll hurt to not have any support anymore (my friends, brothers, and even my parents are tired of hearing me talk about this), but I need to get through this. Thank you, and good luck to everyone.

    • Dara July 17, 2014, 10:08 pm


      I like the way you described her! I think we both are in the same both in that case! I also started liking her because she was not like the girls I had seen before! She was not and is not as attractive as some of my ex-girlfriends but the breakup with her made me search the whole internet and obsessed me with WHY?!

      With my experience, I can say most of your feelings are normal! Keep trying the best for you!

    • Rihanna July 18, 2014, 6:00 am

      Hey David I’m glad to hear that you’re ready to take full control of your own situation because it means that you’re strong enough to handle the consequences no matter which way they go. I salute you! you’ve shown much maturity and intelligence to know your relationship enough to take steps on your own. Just know that we’re here for you still and if you just want to come and vent (without any advice given) you’re welcome to. Whenever you feel down we’d like to support you even if not advising you. And whenever you feel happy (and I pray you reach that point with her very soon) we’d like to share with your happiness, until you’re ready to leave this site once things get great for you again. Good luck :)

      • David July 18, 2014, 11:07 pm

        Thank you both, and thank you all. I just had to look back to see how people replied. I’m grateful that the people here are genuinely nice people, who seem to have grown to care about each other and their lives. It amazes me. If I drop by, you can give advice; I’ll accept it :) But I really need to try this situation without any more venting, and without any more advice. It’s really tough, but I think I’ve given myself too much time for grief. I know when she starts bringing a guy friend places to our mutual friend hangouts it will be tough, but I won’t get past the situation otherwise. I’ll drop by if there’s an important update, just to see what you guys think. Otherwise, I need to be on my own. Thanks again, signing out.

        • Dara July 19, 2014, 12:04 pm

          Hey David,

          Don’t ever regret that you gave too much time for grief. Every relations requires its own time for grief. Thanks and good luck!

  • Joe July 17, 2014, 2:47 pm

    My ex said she decided to be with me is not good for her and she moved on from it. Haven’t talked to her since see sent me that text.

    Heard she probably seeing someone. Last time I saw her I saw her with a dude at her work. So how do I even know I have a chance to get back with her. How do I know it’s a rebound especially with no contact for a month.

    Wrote letter to her last time I saw her work with that guy I said I loved her and what not. Next day she said she don’t hate me and letter meant something but that when she sent that not want to be with me text.

    • Edward July 17, 2014, 5:54 pm

      Hi Joe,

      How long was the relationship with your ex? There’s nothing you can do about what she decides. You can only improve on yourself. Do NC and find happiness without her, maybe one day she’ll contact you. You are more important, I hope you’re feeling alright.

      • a.z July 17, 2014, 7:17 pm

        don’t be needy.no one likes a needy person.but i think a heart to heart talk would help.tell him how you feel and what you expect from him without judging him or anything like that.

        • a.z July 17, 2014, 7:38 pm

          i’m sorry joe that comment above was supposed to be dew’s respond.

          btw,how long have you guys been togeather and when did you break up?
          its probably a rebound but during NC you don’t have to be thinking about any of these.you should concentrate on your life and try to be happy,confident and attractive.

  • Anon July 17, 2014, 2:22 pm

    She was showing me all kind of signs and saying that I will always be the one for her.
    I am in another city so I thought it would be okay to go over the phone I asked for a hug and she said once its over let it be over
    I said I guess you’re right. She didn’t reply back. I guess I will have to do no contact again right ? Should I leave any other message too ?

    • a.z July 17, 2014, 7:32 pm

      i’m sorry but it absolutely wasn’t the right time to go over the phone.u said she has been acting hot and cold and that shows she is still confused.you need to reattract her first.and this is not happening over a week or even a month.you don’t have to be flirty when you are talking to her.she doesn’t have to know that you want her back for sure.you need to act like friends then meet her so you can attract her again.
      no matter how much she shows you any sign,you should act like friends for now.wait for her to contact you ,then act like friends.ignore her for a little while and then tell her you have been thinking and its weird but you are ok with being just friends. try to show her you are busy and you are having a good time without her.

      • Anon July 17, 2014, 9:01 pm

        Thanks a.z for your comment became really desperate I know that. Yesterday a friend of mine stopped talking to her and I thought it was because he found out we were together, I told her this and that I don’t wanna spoil thir friendship. She had asked me what talk we had. So I sent her Screenshot where I said I was with her and now I don’t wanna chase her anymore. I sent a smiley.
        She hasn’t replied yet.

        • a.z July 17, 2014, 9:25 pm

          don’t care if they are talking or not.focus on your life and continue your plan.you should definitely send her the text after a few days.say you are sorry for acting weird,you have been thinking,you respect her choice and you accepted the breakup now.tell her you would be glad if you two could still be friends. this is the exact same thing that many of us have done and it really worked.she will probably say yes. even if you get no respond or a no don’t worry.you can contact her again after some time.

          • Anon July 18, 2014, 12:34 am

            We were talking as friends already she said I will always be the one and that’s all she wanna say. I got pretty despo in between.
            Do you recommend me texting her after few days or doing full no contact again ? What would be better ?

      • Anon July 18, 2014, 12:21 am

        I was thinking of deleting my WhatsApp as I keep on stalking her and my friend who come online at the same time. Would that be fine if I do or should I keep it ? I want to be happy and not just pretend it.

        • a.z July 18, 2014, 6:18 pm

          no you don’t need to go on NC for a month.send her the text.then wait for her to contact you.if she doesn’t,wait for 2 weeks and send her a text and act like friends.if she is saying that you will always be the one,its really good.all you need is to act like friends for a little while.she needs to feel like she might be losing you.
          yeah,if that really hurt you,delete your whatsapp .you are more important than everything.ignore her for a little while.i don’t mean full NC or anything.just show her that you are busy with your GSL and you are having a good time.keep the conversations short,avoid flirting and being romantic,she doesn’t have to know how you exactly feel .if you are friends on FB,use it to show how happy you are.make positive changes in your life and be confident.thats really atractive,
          Good luck

          • Anon July 18, 2014, 9:39 pm

            That guy friend of mine is going to my city. She isn’t replying me but is replying him he told me that.
            I don’t feel good I thought I should delete both of their numbers.
            I told her that because I saw her status I told her those things and I shouldn’t have said that. It’s her brother’s birthday so I told her to wish him from my side.

  • Vee July 17, 2014, 1:49 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I’ve posted here a couple times and have gotten great advice from Rihanna and a.z, but I really need some professional help and there’s been no response… should I post it again?

  • dew July 17, 2014, 11:34 am

    Hi everyone..
    I bk with my ex aftra period of nc. During nc, I stpd being needy nd telling him wen I miss him nd asking him to be with me time to time. Bt nw im bk agn n a relationship. I dnt knw hw to be with him.. is it ok to tell dat i miss him? And be needy?

    • Edward July 17, 2014, 5:49 pm

      Hi dew,

      If he is happy, I don’t think it will hurt by telling him your feelings. You said you two are back in a relationship together, do something fun together and keep it going. A relationship takes work and without the effort to keep it going, you will end up with the breakup cycle again. You be with him by being yourself.

      • a.z July 17, 2014, 7:52 pm

        don’t be needy.no one likes a needy person.but i think a heart to heart talk would help.tell him how you feel and what you expect from him without judging him or anything like that.

  • Janu July 17, 2014, 10:33 am

    i have read all this and it sounds helpfull but my ex had clear way said me she doesn’t loves me anymore and even i have tried to get in touch with her but she does’nt even wanna hear my name what should i do ?

    as life is really misserable .and utmost useless

    previously i ha dnothing but i was happy but now i have everything still m buzed.

    • Dara July 17, 2014, 1:50 pm


      Apply absolute NC for at least 30 days or even 60 days, work hard on yourself, make positive changes in your life. It will increase your chances.

      • Janu July 19, 2014, 6:42 am


        i have tried this its more than a month now i have not called her or txtd her , but she nvr askd for me
        but recently 2 days back i gave her a call but she didn’t responded back
        next week her brdy is cmng i tried to ask her the gift she needed she simply replied tell him{me} to leave me alone tht would be the biggest gift for her .

        what should i do dara ?

        i do not have nay clue at all.

        she doesn’t comes out form home , she doesnt goes anywhere
        what should be done please let me know .

        please mail me also if it is possible and please give me such a resolution that inspite of not knowing you i would thank u fr entire my life .

        • Dara July 19, 2014, 12:00 pm


          Leave her alone! Let her feel loneliness in her birthday. Let her miss someone who could be there. This is how it works my friend. Send her a short text message a week or two after her birthday. Don’t ever send any gifts. Don’t act needy. She will find you respectful if you respect yourself.

          Maybe in your case, you need 2-3 months of NC in total or even more. This 1 month of NC is for those who broke up with a slight argument.

          Good luck!

  • Giulia July 17, 2014, 10:19 am

    I don’t know where my commets goes…but I have now a question: Is it a good plan to do the NC for like 30 days and then try to contact my ex?
    To ask something like : go out for a coffee,or a drink…?
    The background is that he broke up with me the 22th of june ,saying that he was tired,and that he wasn’t happy anymore( we were in a stressful time) and since then I sent him messages just the first day and then nothing. We saw each other two times because it was the birthday of our friends and everything was nice and calm (but I still feel like shit after). He didn’t say that he never want to see me again nor that we couldn’t be just friend but he say that that needed time.
    Another thing is that he likes fun,careless,solar girls, and I must says that I was like that but recently I lost those points. So do you think that if I let him see that I’m still that person but more mature,he could reconsider his decision?
    Do you think that if once there was attraction…could this attraction come back?….
    I really miss my partner, and I still love him deeply…so I ready to do whatever it takes to have him back, But I still want a new kind of relationship …
    Please,please…give me some answers, I kinda lost it

    • Dara July 17, 2014, 11:28 am

      Hi Guilia,

      If you have read Kevin’s articles here, he mentions that after 30-90 days of no contact there is will be a, “I miss you ” feeling even with the one who broke up. The exact time cannot be predicted but if the breakup was not extreme, 30 days is the best. It mean attraction will be made but if that attraction is strong enough for a new relationship, no one can say.

      About the changes in you. I believe it due to the age. As people grow up, their life becomes more serious and many look for more serious partners as well. I believe there are lots of men outside looking for girls with more mature mentality. My suggestion is don’t compromise if he is looking for girls that are not your type.

      • Giulia July 17, 2014, 11:55 am

        Thanks for the reply!
        I don’t know if you read the two comments that I sent sometimes ago, If not I’ll repost them if you need more background story (we started at 17 and now we are 22)
        I’m not saying that I want to change myself to make him like me, because I’m already like that. It’s just that life happened and I sort of lost those characters due to some stress so I was a bit down but not all days.
        Maybe we needed this to think about ourselves and recharge our batteries or maybe just to take a little break.
        I’m willing to wait those days,but I’m afraid that I’ll be the one to have to initiate the contact between us. In that case I’m not sure if to keep the meeting light as the guide says or to gently confront the situation between us since I couldn’t say a thing when he broke up.
        Not that I want to scream or cry at him…not at all…but I just want to analyze with him why the relationship went downhill like that, just a clarification, I deserve that.
        I’m even willing to restart as friends, but with the plan to bring the spark back.
        Uhm..maybe I should post the whole story so that you can analyze the situation in a better way…let me know.
        thank you again …I’ve kinda lost hope to recive an aswer.

        • Dara July 17, 2014, 12:40 pm


          I haven’t read your previous posts but I believe after some time most of the relationships become less exciting because things get repeated in it. It’s no one’s fault. Especially in school ages, people tend to explore new things. Yet it depends on the personality. I think that break will make him miss you. Ideally he should contact you after NC but NC itself is enough to prove him that there is something missing in his life.

          • Giulia July 18, 2014, 10:10 am

            I’ll write a short version of my story: We’ve been together for 4 years and we’re 22.(we actually started dating after few months his father’s death, I think I helped him a lot )
            The last few weeks we weren’t very happy,we had lots of stupid fights (but we always overcame them easily),he was stressed by college,two works (right now he has only one and just on saturday night) and he was in the midst of negotiations to buy a motorcycle (wich ended well). I was stressed by college and by the fact that he was always busy and we haven’t had many date between us alone but we were always with our friends.
            I’ve tried many time to cut some time for us but I did understand that friends were important too, but those time where we were able to go out alone went very well. So the last few days went a bit bad mostly my fault because I wanted intimacy but he was always too tired, and that made me kinda annoyed but that would end there. So on that day I talked to him about this but I actually burst to tears because I was feeling bad about myself, he said that he was just tired to do anything and then he got angry and told me to go home because the morning after he had to work early.
            The day after he told me he needed to speak with me, and he told me that he wasn’t happy right now and that things couldn’t continue like this, I ask him to at last think about it a bit more, maybe later (crying like always, it’s a bad habit of my) and he said ok. And that day was when I sent him a lot of message. After two days I think I went to his house to talk but he wasn’t home and as I was about to leave he came back. He said that he’ll visit me that evening. When he came we talked a bit and I agreed at his request to take a brake(a pause) for one week (he said to me very serious that he didn’t want to leave me but things needed to change).
            In that week I didn’t sent him a thing nor did I call him.
            After that week on the 22th of June he came home to me saying that we needed to break up…I was a crying mess and I couldn’t speak much, but he said that he loves me but not like he used to. He said that I needed to be strong and not live for him because he thinks that I depend too much on him.
            He actually don’t want to erase me from his life, that we can be friends but not right now because it’s too soon.
            After that we met two times for our friends birthday and everything went well…I still enjoy his company and I think that he thinks that too but he does not want to give me illusions now.
            The thing that makes me confused is that we recently made so many plans like going on holiday alone (wich never happened),camping and go around on his motorbike ecc ecc…I mean if he was thinking of break up , why would he made so many plans ?
            I’m so confused because I know that I’m really important to him…I just don’t know what happened.

  • DF July 17, 2014, 10:13 am

    Hi Kevin and Community,

    Past couple days she’s been using the words “best friends” a lot with me. I know we have great communication right now, but I really don’t want to fall in the friend zone. She has also asked what I am doing today/night and when I asked why, she just said “just nosey” and then said “I was gonna try and get chart” (work related).

    Any thoughts? Where she might be at?

    • Dara July 17, 2014, 11:36 am


      You know the answer. You shouldn’t fall into the friend-zone! I think her attempt on canceling the dinner and inviting you for launch was to get you in friend-zone. For now be friends, take it slow, invite her to places where you would end up being intimate. If she resisted don’t show any sign of anger or frustrations! I’m pretty sure that it will work.

      • DF July 17, 2014, 12:34 pm

        Thanks Dara.
        But how do I know I am there? I know she is going through rough times right now and I want to be there for her, but again I don’t want to be the emotional security for her. Should I fall back, see if she misses me more, maybe Low Contact?

        • Dara July 17, 2014, 12:57 pm


          Friend-zone is unstable. Don’t let her stabilize it.

          I believe you got it correct. I saw this in one of Kevin’s comments and I already believed in it that if she already has some issues in her life make some distance with her. If you force to help her to solve her issue, she’ll run away. Try to approach her when she has no problems in her life. On her way in solving her issues, there will be some ups. Those are her happy days, try to catch her on those days. She will more likely to get intimate on those days. Yet, don’t show it. Let it be her idea.

          • DF July 17, 2014, 2:42 pm

            That’s again Dara.

            The one thing is. I’m not forcing to solve any of her problems. She comes to me and I just listen. I give my opinion and support to her. My feelings are that if I blow off the difficult times in her life, then it will be rude and hurtful towards her.


          • Dara July 17, 2014, 3:09 pm

            I think you are in good state now! If she comes to you, then you have nothing to worry! That’s a great sign! She needs someone like you. Be a good friend towards her, she will reward you later! ;)

  • kelly July 17, 2014, 3:52 am

    Its been nearly 4 months since we split. We get on really well. I still have contact with my ex only because we have a son together. He comes around every fortnight. I don’t tell him I miss him or anything personal. I’ve not text him for about a week. And he text me telling me he was sorry for how things have happened. And he is not for me and he put a sad face. I really do love him to bits. I have changed my ways. I’ve been doing things that id never thought I’d do. Iam happy and getting on with my life. I wish I could have my ex back cause deep down he made me the happiest girl alive. What I would like to know is do I just carry on with my life with my family and forgot about my ex for good. Or try something new to get him back. Last time we split it was me doing all the chasing. And to be honest I am stuck in what is best to do.

    • Edward July 17, 2014, 5:44 pm

      Hi kelly,

      What’s best for you is all up to you. The decision is yours to make whether you want him back or not. Give yourself some time to think about it, you two have a child together and ask yourself if you still like him or not. If you still have feelings for him and want things to workout with him, you’ll have to talk to him about this. If he doesn’t have feelings for you, there’s nothing you can do but the move on. By improving yourself and being happy, you have a greater chance of attracting him back.

      • kelly July 17, 2014, 7:52 pm

        Thanks Edward I appreciate your advice :-). I will also say at 23.47 pm.7/07/14.my ex text me and said he is trying his hardest not to text me so I can get over us. And he said there is no more me and you again ever. He loves our son dearly and he got a tattoo on his arm which he hates them. He does no I love him. He’s said he’s got feelings for me but is trying to block them out. So I think iam going to give up on my ex and move on with my life and my family. Thanks again for the advice xx

  • k.w. July 16, 2014, 3:52 pm

    Hi, a.z., daniel, dara, and everyone else
    so should I delete my ex from facebook to prevent me from freaking out everytime the girl and him are on facebook, and wondering if theyre talking or should I leave him on facebook?

    • Edward July 16, 2014, 4:14 pm

      Hi k.w.,

      I think you should try and ignore them. Try to focus on yourself, you are more important. I wouldn’t spend so much time on FB anyways, there are other things to do that will make you happier.

      • k.w. July 16, 2014, 4:24 pm

        I agree. I just worry, that she might be better than I am. Idk. And its been three weeks sense we broke up.

        • a.z July 16, 2014, 5:13 pm

          if it really freaks you out,remove him.but if you can try and handle it,you actually can use facebook in your advantage.try to show that you are having a good time.upload your profile picture like once in a week.this gives your profile a fresh look.upload funny things,avoid any sad status updates.post on your mutual friends wall.show that you are cool and happy.he should see that you are having a good time without him,this makes him miss you more.
          but its just in case you can handle being friends with him on fb.you are more important than him and only you can make yourself happy.
          don’t care about which of you looks better,just try to make simple good changes in yourself.avoid any negative thoughts for a little while and concentrate on yourself.
          also sign up to kevin’s emali series.you won’t regret it.
          good luck

          • k.w. July 16, 2014, 6:55 pm

            I definitely am going to keep him on facebook and just stay calm and collected so that way I can show him that I am having a good time without him.

          • a.z July 16, 2014, 7:09 pm

            cool,i remember the first month of my NC,i never checked his profile,i didn’t even check my home page for a full month.i couldn’t even handle seeing a picture of him.just open your profile and do those things.i’m sure you are gonna be fine.

          • k.w. July 16, 2014, 8:35 pm

            I think the first month is always the hardest, I’m gunna assume it gets easier as the time goes on.

    • Dara July 16, 2014, 8:56 pm


      I’m not professional in Facebook accessories, but I think that there is a section called hide where you can hide his posts and update. You won’t see them anymore! I think, you should make a research on it! If hide means that you can’t see his post but he can see your posts, that’s the best thing for a while!

  • David July 16, 2014, 3:23 pm

    Hi All and Kevin,

    Festival David here…just a quick update on my scenario so far.

    So Since the 6th when my ex had a go at me coz she saw me with a female, I spoke to her a few times on the Monday and Tuesday but she was really quite cold and distant and the conversation ended and she didnt speak to me since then…So I never text her either.

    During this time I was posting the same advice to others as what I was doing/believing myself which is “If she loves me, she will come back” :)….anyways so Been doing sorta fine without talking to her..speaking to females friends..hanging around doing things etc getting on with life.

    It was Tuesday yesterday, so 1 week of NC exactly and this is the text I got at 23:50pm
    HER: “It feels weird not talking…weird situation x”
    I didnt reply on the night as I was asleep!
    So today (wed) I replied
    Me: “Yeah, we can/are still talking though” and then a little inside joke
    Her: “Hardly…lol .(insert small talk here) Can I just ask…your not seeing any of my mates are you?”
    The ‘Hardly’ was referring to when I said we still talk though if you didnt notice :)
    The answer to that was obviously no and we sent another few texts/emails …I did invite her to come to sauna tonight but she said she was busy but would want to go next week sometime…I said that was fine

    So far the last contact was me replying to her email with a question and general chat etc and she hasnt reply yet (over 6+ hours)

    Im not anxious waiting around for a reply or anything as like I said, im just going with the flow of “If she loves me she will come to me”

    Plus I go to Portugal in less than 8 hours!! :D
    She doesnt know yet,
    Theres a few things Im not sure on yet and im just going to have to see what happens
    1) whether she contacts me whilst im in portugal, not sure whether to reply or wait until i get back, reason why im not sure is if i dont contact her for a week and she doesnt know im in portugal whether she thinks im ignoring her
    2) Not sure how she will react to me been in portugal whether i tell her whilst im there or when I come back ha

    Just going to go with the flow and see if/what she contacts me with whilst im in portugal.

    What do you all think?
    What do you make of her sending me the text message after 1 week of NC? I didnt IMPOSE the NC…I was the last 1 to send an email etc and she didnt make any effort to contact me at all, which is total opposite of what she did before the festival if you all remember.
    Shes hasnt gave any signals or mention of getting back together…infact the opposite! she just says “Its one of those things” etc
    What do you all think of my approach..do you think I should start initiating a bit more when i get back?
    I will buy her a little pressie but not tell her straight away

    Thanks a lot guys and gals, we shall see what happens, I need to go pack!
    Festival David

    • Edward July 16, 2014, 3:44 pm

      Hi David,

      She initiated you because she misses you. After your trip to Portugal, you’ll have lots to share with her, but I would share details with her in a face to face contact. It would be a good time to contact her after your trip, remember to enjoy and have fun at your trip! (:

      • a.z July 16, 2014, 5:40 pm

        hey David,
        as Edward said,she misses you and you have a pretty good chance.she is asking if you are seeing her mates or not,cuz she hopes you would say you are not seeing anyone at all.you are doing great btw. and i guess you should contact her when you are in portugal,like once and tell her something exciting or funny about there and ask how she is doing.and if she initiates contact, you should answer her text after a few minutes or hours… . if my ex goes somewhere,and i feel like he is ignoring me,that absolutely pushes me further away.
        when you come back,continue the way you have been acting and ask her out after a few days.
        have a really nice time in portugal and be safe xxx

      • David July 16, 2014, 7:33 pm

        Thanks Edward and A.z

        Just woke up and finished my packing, god its so crammed in there..I hope I can pack it again when im coming back haha, I might have to leave some stuff!

        See you all soon! x

        • a.z July 16, 2014, 7:48 pm

          hahaha see u soon xoxo

      • Rihanna July 16, 2014, 8:59 pm

        Hey Festival David,

        It’s great to hear that she misses you, things seem to be going good for you :) Hope you have a blast in Portugal, lucky you :) and since you didn’t tell her already and you only had 8 hours to go you might wanna tell her when you get back hahahaha… it’s so cute that you came on this site just hours before your trip, Bon voyage and stay safe

  • kazy July 16, 2014, 1:36 pm

    Me 38y Her l(30y) My father passed away, and we started dating about 3 weeks after, after being friends for 4 years prior, flirty friends.

    We dated for 6 months, until she called it off, saying that she couldn’t see pass being friends (The story I got from her friends was I was pushing the pace to fast (Needy!!), which I was for sure).

    We had a pretty big trip planned to commence in 2 months from the break up date. so we decided to do it, We did the trip, 5 weeks overseas, it went quite well. We got back and I told her that I was in love with her. She said she was not in the same place, and that she hopes we could be friends and would be very sad if we couldn’t and that she would always care about me regardless, something like that.

    Heartbroken I agreed to friends after about a week of thinking, but after another week or so of basically no contact I had come to realize that we have never been friends prior, and we’ve always been two people going on dates with mutual attraction, I cannot see myself being just friends with her, at least not now. I started the no contact, to get over her so I could hit a reset with us. But she is texting me, “Hiya :) How are you doing?” type texts, under the assumption we are pals.., But I have not replied.

    What do I do? Do I have to tell her that I have rethought my position on the friends thing? Or just go no contact without saying anything? Or do I reply in short to her texts? I DO NOT want to be a backup plan. or the guy she talks to about other relationships. I also do not want to talk about our relationship stuff anymore, it’s such a drag. I have never been the needy type, but I know I was here, how do I recover from this, she was into me for a long time prior to dating, and obviously her attraction to me now is LOW.

    • Dara July 17, 2014, 10:21 pm


      It’s not Kevin! But all I know form Kevin’s previous comments is that you should apply no contact for at least a month. If she contacts you, tell her that you need time and space to evaluate every thing.

  • Jaici July 16, 2014, 1:36 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    Okay so I saw my ex on the weekend, everything went great, no issues except that I wish we could have seen each other longer. Early Last week, my ex had said he wanted to time to think about us and whether or not a would want to try again (he brought this up, not me). I said would give him some time. Then on the weekend, his friend told me that my ex does want to date me again. However, this is the friend that has lied to me in the past so I will not get my hopes up off of his word. Unless my ex says it, I won’t believe it. Anyways, how long should I give my ex to think it over ? It’s been a week and a half so far and last night he said he still isn’t sure because of the distance. However I’m not gonna wait for an answer forever. When should I bring it up ? And when I do, if he says he still isn’t sure then what do I say ?

    • Edward July 16, 2014, 3:41 pm

      Hey Jaici,

      Since he brought up the situation, I don’t think you have to bring it up again. You don’t want him to feel pressured about giving you his answer. Keep doing your thing and he will initiate contacts with you. When you do hangout with him, have fun and keep it light.

  • Rina July 16, 2014, 1:06 pm

    My ex and I broke up a few weeks ago we dated for 2 years and had previously had a break up were we did our own things for about 2 months then got back together. We didn’t really work anything out just said sorry I love you and I miss you then hugged it out. Anyways He broke up with me recently saying we grew apart he loves me but never wants to be with me again. All I can wonder is what I did wrong? He says he wants something else. We were very close and ourselves around each other and happy. He blocked me on Facebook as well. I have started no contact just wondering if I would have a chance to pursue him again. He’s also dating someone but I’m not sure how serious it is.

    • a.z July 17, 2014, 8:12 pm

      don’t over analyze his words and behavior.don’t act needy and don’t look for any answer for the questions you have in mind.his answer has nothing to do with your thoughts and there is nothing logical in it.concentrate on your life and continue NC for 2 months.don’t worry if he is dating someone.its probably a rebound.as kevin suggested, read relation rewind by ryan rivers.its a step by step guide to rewind your relationship and it explains which stage you are at,what exactly you should do to get out of that stage and how to rewind your relationship back to bliss.

  • Anon July 16, 2014, 11:39 am

    Hi, Me and my fiancée split up two weeks ago. I think she is trying to move onto what was one of my friends. Is this the fallback stage for her or could it actually lead onto a succesful relationship? She says she still cares for me and loves but that she is not in love with. Also lately a friend of mine died and she said she would accompany me to the funeral, shall I let her?

  • brett July 16, 2014, 10:59 am

    Hi. After all the nc and making changes I got in contact with my ex. We met twice etc.

    Anyways I kind of left him to it for a few days and then I had an email. I never replied as it was a picture and a few letters. Anyway I replied two days later and he said it was sent when his phone was on his pocket. So it managed to send an email, attach a photo and send it to me whilst on his pocket.??

    My ex continues to choose his new partner and I when I don’t reply he wants a few days and sends something. So what is this?? Is he missing me? Want me back? Or because I don’t chase so much he feels lonely. ?

    I don’t get so worried now. But it’s slightly odd behaviour to say it’s sent by mistake.

    I have tried to get through to him and he says he loves me etc… but I’m clueless. help needed.. hope it gets printed


    • Dara July 16, 2014, 11:10 am

      Hey Brett,

      I’m glad that you are not much affected by it. In fact, there was a similar post months ago. Kevin said that he want to see if you have really moved on or are you still available. That make sense since he is still with his new partner!

      • brett July 16, 2014, 11:14 am

        It does make sense.
        Because he said he didn’t want me to have anyone else as he’d be jealous
        . I’d rather him but I can’t wait. Help dara and thanks for replying

    • brett July 16, 2014, 11:11 am

      Plus when I text this morning. He replied within half hour saying he didn’t know about an email, then the next reply was it was sent by mistake.

      Can I have some help please to either get some feelings out this person and rebuild or either move on.
      As it drives me crazy sometimes!!!!!
      He admits he loves me, never wants to talk abiyt his cheating or current cheating, however you wish to discribe it. Last time he changed the subject. I know it’s due to embarrassed and stuff.
      But I guess of you wanna be with someone then say it.
      We sent numerous you tubes and stuff about love and feelings, yet nothing comes of it.

      I clueless help!

    • brett July 16, 2014, 11:16 am

      person and rebuild or either move on.
      As it drives me crazy sometimes!!!!!
      He admits he loves me, never wants to talk abiyt his cheating or current cheating, however you wish to discribe it. Last time he changed the subject. I know it’s due to embarrassed and stuff.
      But I guess of you wanna be with someone then say it.
      We sent numerous you tubes and stuff about love and feelings, yet nothing comes of it.

      I clueless help!

    • Dara July 16, 2014, 12:13 pm

      I know its really hard! I so sorry for the situation you are in! It truly sucks when you see the person you love is with someone else. My experience says that some distance, some time, hard work and willing to move on will result in something desirable.

      Brett, from my understanding, if a person cheat in a relationship, he/she will likely to cheat again. Its truly hard but ideally those partners should be avoided.

      Unfortunately, relationship is not like friendship where the nicer you act, more you are wanted. If you send him any youtube stuff lately, stop it. He should realize that you will probably move on and feel the threat of losing you.

      About the texts, no text or emails are shot in pockets. I believe he is also confused but you should not suffer for others confusion. I don’t know if this advise is good or bad but the next time he send you a message don’t reply it. If you ask about it to you tell him, “I thought your text was simply an accident”. If this happens, you will provoke some anger in him. That’s better than indifference. Next, ask him for some space. Do NC until he and his partner breakup!

      However, its up to you to see if you can live with someone who plays games. Update us Brett!

      • brett July 16, 2014, 12:58 pm

        To be honest… he did say he would take be back but is scared I’d take revenge and dump him straight after.
        I haven’t sent any youtubes, or goodnight messages or anything. For days and days now, so u r right I guess he scared I moved on
        . I sorted a new phones and Sim card for total nc, which I may do.
        Let’s see about the games? They r games, u r right. It’s keeping me on the outside so I’m there as a spare but then why say u still love me and would take me back??
        End of the day he hasn’t changed his mind yet so I guess that tells me something thing already

        • Dara July 16, 2014, 1:22 pm

          Well, Brett it seems like you are in the right track and you can understand the situation you are in! That’s great!
          If you haven’t, I recommend you to read every sub-article that Kevin has around, including Frequently Aksed Questions. Each one of them has a point.
          About sentences like, “I Love you”, unfortunately this phrase weighs different to different people. To some, this is like, “I Love you (and only you no matter if there are thousands lined up for me)” while to some other, it conveys, “I Love you (also)”. So can’t really rely on these expressions when they are not accompanied with not actions. However, I am not you and you know your ex better than anyone else. You probably know what does he mean when he says something.

          • brett July 16, 2014, 2:11 pm

            Thanks. I shall read the sub sections later and let u know.

            I keep updated. It’s good to ignore him i think. As ut was only 3 days and he decided to send a ‘fake ‘ email. So it’s proven that he misses and worries about me moving on.
            We shall see. I’m not stressing now.. Cause it makes me ill. I done enough changes for the better, so I keep you informed.


          • brett July 16, 2014, 2:36 pm

            Hey. Soz I keep forgetting to write things. My reply was no need to say sorry for sending it mistake, have a nice evening. That was enough I thought

          • Dara July 16, 2014, 2:54 pm

            No problems Brett. I will be glad to hear from you! Have a good evening!

          • brett July 17, 2014, 12:32 am

            Hi dara, thanks for your comments and help.

            Well I shocked as I received a second message last night. About my ex, he was feeling ill and stuff and said goodnight. I didn’t reply as u said it best not too.

            I won’t for a few days. I keep u posted. Seems his email and me contacting him made him think again, maybe??? Thoughts?

    • Dara July 17, 2014, 6:23 am


      If you agree that missing someone or loving someone won’t vanish over night then you not replying him is the best. If he really loves you, he will still love you till the end of NC. If he is serious enough, he should be done with his new partner.

      I believe he wants to hold your attention (and care) by saying that he is ill/sick. Yet, he should commit and respect your care by being loyal to you. It’s too early to reply him. Follow the plan in Kevin’s article. It will increase the chances. Good luck!

      • Dara July 17, 2014, 11:08 am

        TYPO!!! Sorry Brett, the last comment is to you not Rosalyn! Sorry!!

        • brett July 19, 2014, 12:49 am

          Yes thanks dara for your advice and help. I leave the birthday message. Thanks

      • brett July 18, 2014, 12:32 am

        Yes I totally agree on everything u say. He should be done with his ex. Anyways I may take a break from everything and look after me.

        I shall see

        • brett July 18, 2014, 12:51 am

          I forgot to say I never replied to the email and its his birthday Sunday, do I wish happy birthday or leave it?

          I’ve not heard anything since his message as I didn’t reply.
          I not sure what to do.

          • Dara July 18, 2014, 5:22 am


            Don’t send him any message regarding his birthday. If you are too obsessed about that, send a short message after a week or two.

            Best of luck!

  • Anon July 16, 2014, 8:52 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I need something specific here I guess.
    She clearly shows signs that she likes me, she said you will always be the one for me. I asked her what I will be. She said that’s all I had to say. I sent a smile and a heart and she sent it back.
    She would send me signs that she wants me to chase her!
    I will not be able to meet her before a month or so.
    She is like I said what I had to.
    Should I make a move over phone or will it be a hurry ?
    I don’t know if I should act cool or be romantic at times. She gets cold and hot at times.
    If I get cold to her she would get 10x cold and act like she isn’t bothered and at times she would send me signs.
    She said that she had a confession to make and then said I will be the one and then said that’s all I had to say and then started acting cold. Is it because I am not making a move ?

    • Edward July 16, 2014, 3:48 pm

      Hi Anon,

      I think it’s okay for you to have a phone chat with her. You should act on how you feel like, and if you don’t feel so well then don’t talk to her. I don’t think you should act cold on her, you should be the nice guy because people like nice people (: Keep being happy and she’ll stop being so cold to you.

      • Anon July 16, 2014, 10:55 pm

        Hi Edward,
        I do text her, but she replies with just one words.
        Also most of the time she is busy talking to a guy friend of mine and dosen’t seem to have time for me.

        • Edward July 17, 2014, 3:01 am

          Hey Anon,

          If she is replying with one words then it just means that she is not interested at the moment. If you had any sort of serious relationship with her, she can’t forget you. She will start to miss you if you apply NC and hopefully she will contact you. When she does, that’s when she is warming up. You can apply limited contact and see how she is doing once in a while. Do something fun so you will be happy, if you can feel it, everyone around you can too!

          • Anon July 17, 2014, 4:19 am

            Thanks man. Today I messaged her on WhatsApp and she replied hmm and changed status to stuck in the friend zone.
            She is talking to a friend of mine, not so close friends, but she talks to him late at night, both of them are online at the same time.
            She has already told me she likes me should I say that too I don’t know if that was for me.

          • Edward July 17, 2014, 5:36 pm


            I think you can show her your feelings. In fact, I encourage you to, but don’t seem too needy. It’s good to display your feelings for her because that’s just how you feel. But in my experience, it’s better when you can meet her face to face.

  • Mike July 16, 2014, 8:28 am

    Hey Kevin, do you mind responding to the post by “Mike” from July 10th?
    Thanks so much for your time

  • M July 16, 2014, 7:52 am

    Hey guys,
    I’ve left a few comments before but maybe they were too long?
    My girlfriend is 17 and I’m 21. We’ve been together for a little over 10 months. She’s about to enter college and asked if I would be willing to try an open relationship. I said no and broke up with her because I know I could not handle doing that and I believe that those things don’t work. I believe I did the right thing but I still very much love her and want her back eventually.
    I do kind of want her to see that there’s really nothing to see out there. She texted me a few hours after I broke up with her and then the next day as well. I wish I would’ve stopped the conversation before I gave into my feelings and told her just how much I love her. I told her I love her with all my heart and she replied with I love you more than anything.
    That was 6 days ago.
    I guess that’s when we indirectly started the NC period because we have not talked since. My questions are:
    I know I should contact her for at least a month but we have a month left of summer before we both go to school. Should I try to contact her right before we both go back? Or should I wait longer to contact her as she will probably be too distracted by her new college life? Also, what should I do if she tries to contact me before then? What if she just says “hi” or “I miss you”?
    I have a feeling that I know this isn’t over because she told me she could see us being together forever and that she loves me so much and just wants to try doing her own thing for a semester or so. I’m not putting a time limit on it but I do very much want her back.

    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 9:37 am

      Hey M,

      She is a young girl who wants to explore her options and enjoy her college life. I doubt there is anything you can do that will make her change her mind. You can’t make her see that there’s nothing out there. She can only realize it herself, if you both are really that great with each other.

      You can try contacting her before you both go back, but I doubt it’ll change anything. I’d recommend you let her go and try to move on with your life. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen sometime in the future.

  • Rihanna July 16, 2014, 7:13 am

    Dear Kevin,
    My ex seems interested to be with me but his sickness is not allowing him to be in a relationship, or work or do anything but visit doctors and sleep lots. He even missed his own exhibition opening tonight which he never does cos it’s not right to invite ppl and not attend. But when I spoke with him on the phone he sounded sick then said he couldn’t talk anymore he’s in much pain and needs to go. Also, he’s trying to apply to study and it wasn’t working out for him so I found alternate choices for him which I know he’d appreciate. I told him that the poem was published today the one he inspired and was happy which is why he probably rang to congratulate me despite his state. But he’s missing out on a job interview interstate so this pain is really hindering his future somehow and no one is sure how long his situation will last. I need some real advice here. I am supportive as much as I can be but I don’t want to end up with a big disappointment in the end. We are talking, he uses endearing names with me, he’s loving and always asking me for support and supports me etc… But what’s the point? Then what? I can’t say I don’t want to talk to you anymore cos I don’t see a point in ‘us’ since you’re sick indefinitely (you see how mean this sounds?). I’m trying to just live my life and plans but I need him to meet me half way too… how do I ask if he’s always in pain, some weeks worse than others? At our age, we don’t meet each other’s financial expectations (and he always said how much he loves that I’m not materialistic) but let’s be realistic, can a relationship survive on love alone? What can we do to make it work? what can I do? Ps: I’m not sure he’s able to come see me as soon as in few weeks time :(

    • Kevin July 18, 2014, 2:01 am


      I am so sorry about your situation. It’s good that you are starting to be more realistic. The romantic in you probably wants to believe that you should support him and in the end everything will work out. But the realistic part is saying something else. To be honest, I am not sure what I should tell you to do. If I were you, perhaps I will support him for a while. Maybe give myself a time limit. Like 3 months (or whatever you think is appropriate). And if things are still hopeless by that time. Then I’ll move on from him.

      • Rihanna July 18, 2014, 3:26 am

        Thank you for your support Kevin. He rang me yesterday and was very optimistic, he said he rang few unis and is willing to continue with studying, he saw a career advisor so he’s been willing to make plans for the future. He also said ‘I’m not ready for a relationship cos right now my first priority is my future. But we’ll see we ‘migh’t end up together in the end’, I actually liked that he said that cos I’m the same at the moment I want to concentrate on my future too… We have each other to support each other now as friends and that’s ok. But my fear is that he’ll say and plan but take no action in his plans. He’s coming to see me in few weeks time so I’ll have a proper chat with him. He also said that he doesn’t want to involve his friends and family if we get together and I would like to know what he means by that? To be honest, my family would be upset if I chose to be with him because of his financial situation and also his religious views, sadly money and politics is also putting stress on our relationship. I don’t know if I trust a long lasting relationship with him, though he’s a wonderful person and very generous soul, my mind is playing tricks on me. He’s coming to visit me, he keeps in touch and calls me (as a friend). I feel lost. Thank god for you and for this site, I’ve gained knowledge and good friends here

  • Scarlett July 16, 2014, 5:52 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I hope this will finally be posted. This is a more updated story than the previous ones I submitted which weren’t posted.

    My ex-boyfriend (he’s 20 and I’m 23) and I have been together for eight months. However, three months ago he decided to move away because he wanted to work hard for our future. I did everything I can to maintain communication. I called him every night, sent him money to get him started.

    Things then started to go downhill when we exchanged Facebook accounts one night. He discovered that I have been keeping in touch with guy friends and been talking about stuff that was too inappropriate (I realized too late). He’s been digging my every message thread to every friend since then. I haven’t shared everything about me to him, when he was being completely honest with me.

    Is it really possible to win him back when I’m the one at fault? I really don’t want to lose him. I pleaded, begged for him to stay but he told me that I could never gain his trust (and the love) back. It really broke my heart. I still want him but he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. He unfriended me on Facebook. It’s even harder for me because he’s so far away and we have only discussed this over the phone.

    He broke up with me yesterday but he’s still been calling me and we always end up arguing about the same mistake that I did. He says that he doesn’t want to be with someone he can’t trust. I’ve been doing everything I can but he only told me that he doesn’t believe every word I say. I’ll be in the city where he’s currently in next week and he wants to return everything I gave him. I decided to try NC. I’m not picking up his calls now, but I’m afraid it will only make him mad because suddenly I’m not talking to him. What do I do?

    • Dara July 17, 2014, 8:45 pm


      To my understanding he still have chances but it will take time and effort from your side to regain the trust in your relationship.

      You need to do NC and follow the plan. If he call you again, tell him (politely) that you both need time and space to heal from what happened lately. It will help you both to chill down a bit.

      Good luck.

  • sandy July 16, 2014, 3:34 am


    I have a question. But before that I would like to tell you why we broke up. I’m 22 years old and my girlfriend is 21 years old. we were in relationship for 1 year and we broke up like 3 weeks back.We broke up because she is scared that things won’t work out in the future. I explained her in every possible way but she refused.she still loves me so much but don’t want to put any hopes. I ignored her for 2 days like NC period. She kept on calling for 30-50 times a day and started saying that i miss talking to you.Why are you not contacting? So please help me out with a solution. I want to get her back.Thank you.

    • a.z July 17, 2014, 9:55 pm

      hey sandy,
      if she keeps texting and calling you,tell her you need some space. you said she loves you so much,and i believe she does.i’m going to tell you something but i don’t want to distract you.this is a summary from what i personally did to my ex.i loved my ex so much we were in a relationship for more than a year and i have never loved someone that much.everything was perfect and he was like the best guy ever.its crazy but i brought up the breakup talks like 100 times saying i was scared that things won’t work in the future.no matter how hard he tried to explain everything and promised me and begged me not to do that to him,i kept what i was doing.i continued that as a random plan in my relationship and then one day i broke up with him and he never came back until now.when i felt like i was losing him,it was like a bang inside of my head and i never wanted to fix what i have ruined that much. tell her you need some space and continue NC.you do have a great chance.
      Good luck

  • Scarlett July 16, 2014, 2:20 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I tried posting my situation several times. Hoping that this would be posted because I desperately need your advice.

    I’m hoping that you could help me. My ex-boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. Although things were great between us (we both fell in love with each other hard and fast), my Mom was strongly against the relationship. We endured all the pain because I knew that he is The One and he was also sure about me.

    However, two months ago he decided to move away because he wanted to work hard for our future. We couldn’t do much here while my Mom is closely monitoring my every action. After he moved away, I did everything I can to maintain communication. I called him every night, sent him money to get him started. But it wasn’t easy. I constantly missed his presence.

    Things then started to go downhill when we exchanged Facebook accounts one night. He discovered that I have been keeping in touch with guy friends and been talking about stuff that was too inappropriate (I realized too late). He’s been digging my every message thread to every friend since then. I haven’t shared everything about me to him, when he was being completely honest with me. :( I even tried to make my mistakes appear as if they were nothing, which made him all the more angry.

    Is it really possible to win him back when I’m the one at fault? I really don’t want to lose him. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved truly. I don’t think I could still find anyone like him. I pleaded, begged for him to stay but he told me that I could never gain his trust (and the love) back. :( It really broke my heart. I still want him but he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I’m a crying mess right now. I want to make it up to him, but he hates me now. It’s even harder for me because he’s so far away and we have only discussed this over the phone. :(

    Please help me? I’ll be in the city where he currently lives next week, and he told me he’ll be returning everything that I gave him. But I don’t want to. What do I do?

  • Anon July 16, 2014, 1:45 am

    Yesterday she told me that I will always be the one for her. I think I have also let her know that I still have feelings for her. I am in another city right now so I’ll not be able to meet her now.
    She also behaves very cold most of the times. She told me she liked my pics and sent me hearts and o told her the same.
    She posts things giving me hints of talking to her and when I do she goes cold.
    I sent her a picture of a gift I had bought for her and since then she behaves weird.

  • Rosalyn July 15, 2014, 11:38 pm

    Does anyone here understand the difference between rebound relationships and Grass is Greener syndrome? Is there a difference?

    • Dara July 16, 2014, 10:56 am

      Hey Rosalyn,

      Thank you for introducing Grass is Greener Syndrome to us. I just read something about it here:


      Looks like a good phrase! LOL

      • Rosalyn July 16, 2014, 11:50 am

        Thanks so much for sharing this link with me. It helped a lot! I am just confused and trying to figure out if my ex is in a rebound or “GIGS” type of situation seeing how I found out that he had been getting to know someone from work a little better in the weeks preceding our breakup. Wonder what Kevin has to say about the difference between these two and if it makes any difference in terms of getting them back? Insights from anyone else on here are always welcome, Thanks!

        • Dara July 16, 2014, 1:39 pm

          I think that the difference is like flu and AIDS. Someone suffering from AIDS is more succeptible to flu while AIDS has no cure (not really update lately). RR=flu & AIDS=GIGS.
          I think you cannot make sure which one has ruined your relationship exactly but there were symptoms associated with GIGS. Do you have any idea about previous relationship of your ex? Did he have real long-term relationship? How long was your own relationship? If the answer to all those questions is yes, he probably a GIGS guy. What did he expect from you in sex? Did he expect you to be a porn star? Did he have “rolling eyes”? Did he talk about how hot other girls are? Could he see his own flaws? Did he ever associate his own flaws to you? For example: he is fat but nag about you on some extra pounds? Was he a fault finder?

          Rosalyn, I just found the definition of this phrase but I think the above questions will help you to have a rough estimation. Probably Kevin has more solid gauge.

          BTW: if he end up with his present partner and start a new relationship with someone else, he is more like to suffer from GIGS but if he come back to you, its RR. If non, its non! LOL

          This phrase got me interested. I will be glad to see what Insight do others have.

          • Rosalyn July 16, 2014, 4:03 pm

            Thanks for explaining I get it a little better now. Yes, my ex was married for about 8 years. Divorced almost 2 years before we reconnected (we knew each other from high school) Our own relationship lasted a little over 4 years. And that’s just it, we never argued, our sex life was good. He never complained about my appearance and never talked about other girls in my presence. He’s the kind of guy who would open doors for me and up until the last minute was telling me he loved me and making plans for the future. Caught me completely off guard and I’m trying to make sense of it all. Just wanting to get some input from Kevin. I haven’t heard from him in a while.

          • Rihanna July 16, 2014, 9:07 pm

            Hey Rosalyn,

            your situation sounds familiar especially with your ex’s personality. And I think Dara’s answer (as always) is spot on. I like how informative it was to define the difference between rebound and GiGS and all the questions that he asked got me thinking about my situation also. I hope for your sake he’s just going through a phase and will find his way back home to you. I also am interested to see what Kevin will say.

          • Dara July 16, 2014, 10:56 pm


            With all info you provided us, he is less likely to be GIGS associated. Probably his new relationship is RR. In any case, I know it terribly tough to see your ex with someone else. I hope you passes these days safe and happy.


            Thank you so much for your compliment! I feel great to see good friends like you here! It truly makes me feel that I am not alone! Yet, about 80 days of NC has made me confident and less worried about my own breakup. This period has made me accept the fact that maybe I will never reconcile and I am okay with that.

            Best wishes for you ladies!

            I hope Kevin will have some words to add here!

  • Yonni July 15, 2014, 10:19 pm

    Dear Kevin,

    I have tried no contact and after two weeks he was calling and texting me and I ignored him for another week until we went out to the movies. We has gotten into many arguements about my tweets and how they were a smack in the face even though he is talking to someone else in another state. I have purchased relationship rewind and actually created a great false friendship and he has been calling, texting, and seeing me almost everyday when I tell him I have time. He even was telling me about how the new girl he talks to doesn’t like him having female friends and how he doesn’t like how she complains about that. He would also tell me other things he didn’t like and I actually would give him advice about it. (Not sure that was the best idea). But he questions me about who I’m talking to, tried going thru my phone to look at my calls, texts and pictures. Last Friday I asked why he had to go outside to talk on the phone when any other time he is on the phone even when he is talking to the new girl he is talking to. Without thinking I told him to get his stuff and leave not because I was jealous but because I felt like he didn’t want to be there. He texted me the next day and said I need space away from him because his simple phone call bothered me even though he was going thru my phone and asking me who I am dating. I told him that i understand he needs space away from me and I will definitely keep my distance. I feel as though I have messed up big time and no longer have a chance.

    Any advice. Do you think I still have a chance or should I move on?

    P.s. I am open to anyone else who would like to respond also.

    • a.z July 18, 2014, 6:38 pm

      i suggest you to go on NC for a month,and continue until he contacts you.you still have a chance.don’t show him any signs that you want him back.avoid any negative talks and memories.

  • Cat July 15, 2014, 10:08 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    I feel like I’ve followed the plan well and my guy did try to contact me during the 30 days which I ignored, and he responded well to the email letter (blamed the problems coming from his side- depression), and he seems to respond okay to my texts (I’ve sent him 3 all approx 5 days apart). How long should this texting go on? How many days bt messages? Should i try to get In a real conversation or just flirty, happy texts? I know I’ll be seeing him for a wedding at the end of August. Should I just see him then or try to meet up before? we are long distance.

    Thanks for helping me regain sanity :-)

  • confused July 15, 2014, 8:04 pm

    Hello everyone! On Tuesday I texted my ex that I needed to talk to him. I was ready to tell him that it was probably best to cut all ties. He responded by saying that he’ll let me know. On saturday I heard from him. He was playing games over text; I could totally tell. We finally agreed to meet. I asked him to pick me up so that we can have dinner. He said he was cleaning his apt so it was best if i went to his apt so that i can give him more time at home. I found that weird. In his apt complex he has valet services till 12. I met him at 945, what does that tell you? That my car was going to be stuck there till next day. I thought that by then we should be back… no no noooo…. I end up sleeping over. We never talked about what I planned to say. I figured why would I if I was having a good time. I know guys, but part of me wanted to so that I can see his apt and I could be sleep by his side. Long story short, he still had our picture in his apt. My stuff were intact. My daughters things were scattered in his apt still :( we ended up sleeping together. He seemed like he didnt want to let go of me. In the morning we were passionate again. We agreed that on Monday I would pick him up from the airport and he will help me buy my car. Few hours past that day, and he textes me info about a car he liked. Today I decided to text to let him know about applying for a car loan. He textes back but that was it. I wish there was more… like a real talk about us. In the date he had this poker face like I dont want to be here and would occasionally laugh then he’ll have the poker face again. In bed he just gave in! What do I do???? I dont like texting for silly things…. in the meantime, I planned a date with a marine to distract me… I miss my ex and love my ex.

    • David July 16, 2014, 8:43 am

      Hi confused,

      Festival david here

      I dont know your full story so not sure what progress youve made….
      but I think you fell into his trap, Like Kevin posted to someone previously but I cant remember off the top of my head now!…but basically kissing and cuddling is ok but dont go all the way without a commitment.

      As a guy…I hate to admit this but ive done it with my previous Ex. I didnt love her like I love my most recent ex, but I wanted that “company” etc and I used to “plan” certain situations to my advantage. You know your ex better than me but the impression that Im getting when reading what you wrote is that, you seemed to know that he “planned” the time you were coming over etc.. he did exactly what ive done to my ex (not saying he dont love you). but hes planned it to his advantage.

      Hes got something out of it without committing to the relationship etc

      • confused July 16, 2014, 12:18 pm

        You are absolutely right. I thought about it again and I should’ve had more control of the situation. We spoke again last night and he never mentioned what went on that night, neither did I. I will definitely be a bit smarter about it next time. Thank you!!

        • Rihanna July 17, 2014, 3:16 am

          Hey confused, don’t worry about that night what’s done is done now but like you said you need to control yourself bit more next time. Perhaps you can plan something to say in your mind or something like that should another “situation” like that arise next time, you need to “show” him that you have high morals and you’re not his doormat, you should command his respect for you on that front. For example (I’m not suggesting this for you it might be the wrong thing), I spoke with my ex earlier today when he rang and he said “How will we even meet together alone, it’s impossible not ending up in bed together” and some sex remarks when I cut him and said very calmly “I can’t imagine anything happening, I’ve taken time off (that’s NC) and now we’re JUST FRIENDS. If it helps think of me as your sister” … Yes he did say ‘YUK!” which means he’s still interested in me sexually and that was a plus for me and moreso, I’ve ‘shown’ him that I will not sleep with a friend, only commitment will get him what he wants and that’s IF I accept it afterall. Men will plan ahead and will do all sort of things to make it appear like “oops we did it again!” don’t fall for that trap. You are a strong, confident and smart woman, you are better than that. I hope when I see him I won’t fall for his traps either! So chin up and be the unattainable… let him do the chase! Good luck :)

      • Rihanna July 17, 2014, 3:21 am

        Dear Festival David,

        I’m sorry to intrude on your post confused but something David said got me interested enough to ask. What did you mean by “I used to ‘plan’ situations for my advantage”… that sounds a bit like my ex so could you pretty pleeeeeeeeeease give a few examples of what you did to gain that advantage? thanks heaps, I hope you get back from your trip and answer before my ex visits me hahaha…

        • Dara July 17, 2014, 4:17 pm


          I believe you want to convey that you can’t get any girl to bed unless she wants it right? I totally agree with you! Most guys believe that they trick girls to sleep with them but its usually girls who trick guys to invite them!

          I believe Confused already knew that she would end up sleeping with her ex and wanted to use it to rekindle the great relationship they had! I believe she did not do really wrong! Sometimes it rekindles! Simply don’t be friends with benefits! I believe one sex does not make a friendship friends-with-benefits!

          I even see those toys on the floor as a good sign! He did not clean his house for another woman! Plus, they remind him of her!

          • Rihanna July 18, 2014, 5:46 am

            That’s right Dara and I agree with you. I think confused shouldn’t be too worried about what’s happened because it happened with her consent, so she was in control of the situation too. I reckon once she has the ‘chat’ with him about what’s happened and that it will not happen again without commitment she’ll get back on the right track again. Good luck confused!

  • a.z July 15, 2014, 4:44 pm

    Dear Kevin,
    I’m reading Nonviolent communication and its amazing,i really feel the change.now i can really feel that how i have been acting the wrong way and how much i have hurt people and my ex using the words the wrong place.i never knew how easily i could express my feelings and requests.i have always judged my ex only because maybe he wasn’t acting in a harmony with my values and i only made everything worse and worse.
    i really don’t know how i can ever thank you.you are an amazing person.thank you for helping in any situation.xxx

    • Anon July 16, 2014, 12:05 am

      Where can I get it ?

      • a.z July 16, 2014, 10:11 am

        you can buy it online

    • David July 16, 2014, 7:24 am

      Hi A.z

      Festival David here

      Its great to read and hear how much your improving and finding out about yourself :).
      I am still here and check everyday…been reading alot of the comments, reading rather than posting as I see others have already replied and the advice has been great.
      Although i haven’t seen an update from yourself unless ive missed it?
      How are things going with your situation?

      It sounds good if the post above is anything to go by!
      All the best to everyone else keep it up :) x

      • a.z July 16, 2014, 10:10 am

        hey David,thanks for the post,
        well,the last time he texted me was 4 days ago.he said you should promise me something… , that someday we will draw a picture of a city together.(we used to do things like that alot ).he is in a another city for work and he will be back next week.i’m not focusing on what’s on his mind anymore.or why he is not doing what i expect.i’m living my life and i’m really happy.and the book is helping me alot.
        i’m going out with a new guy these days and he is cool.i don’t think if i start a relationship with him,but he makes me happy.he also knows about my ex and my situation and said that he understands me and wants to help me.
        what about you david,any updates?

        • David July 16, 2014, 2:59 pm

          Hey A.z

          Thats really good to hear! about you not thinking about whats on his mind etc..no one will really ever know whats on the other persons mind except that person themself ha

          Good news about the new guy too! Hope it carries on going smooth for you and it sounds like your really making progress.

          Im just about to post a quick update now tbh…nothing spectacular has happened with me so far x

    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 11:32 am

      Yeah, reading it the first time is really an eye opener, isn’t it? I am glad you are enjoying it. :)

      • a.z July 17, 2014, 10:04 pm

        definitely:D ,thank you again

  • RD July 15, 2014, 4:20 pm

    Hello,you can see my story if you scroll down.I was thinking to call my ex and ask him if he would like to grab some coffee with me and tell our news( after i return from my holidays). Would it be okay or seem desparate?

    • Edward July 15, 2014, 4:43 pm


      If you feel desperate, it will be desperate. After your holidays, if you feel happy and confident, then go ahead and contact him. I think you should stop worrying about him and enjoy your holidays!

  • John Doe July 15, 2014, 2:05 pm

    Hey Kevin, reading your article really helped me going from being misrable to being a man with a plan. (Excuse my english, it’s not my main language) When I read all the deadly mistakes, I could recognise my self doing all of them, some of them more than others.
    Me and my ex decided not to be together anymore about 3 months ago. We were not mad or had a fight, I visited her for a week and that week nothing went wrong. But at the end of the week we agreed that it will be for the best that we broke up. She was living in another country for 6-7 months and we tryed to have a longdistance relationship, it didn’t work out so good. It didnt forfill her needs and she missed me to much, and I missed her. Before that we had a relationship when we were in a boardingschool togheter, and live extremly close up on eachother. This worked, but at times we got too much of eachother. It’s been 3 months since we broke up, and after the break-up we kept in touch almost as normal. Called eachother often and messageing eachother, almost like we didn’t break up.(I never felt that we gave the relationship a good chanse, we never tryed it under normal circumstances, living togheter ect.) The last month now she hasn’t talked to me as much, less and less contact. And I suddently realised that I still felt something for her. I talked to her about it(she didn’t feel the same way) and then all the deadly mistakes started happening. And now I have driven her farther away from me.
    I have just started the no-contact-period and I’m allready feeling better. I have set some goals and stared working on them. What I’m most worried about is the fact that it’s 3 months since we broke up and I had this breakdown now. And I’m afraid that if she finds a new guy now it wont be a rebound-guy since so much time has gone by since we broke up. I know that you say that they won’t but I was thinking since it’s not right after the breakup and if she finds a new guy(I know that she is talking to other guys) it won’t just be a rebound. Things have changed, shes moving back to my country now, and that’s one of the reasons I want to try and get her back.
    Thanks – John

  • Kazy July 15, 2014, 1:19 pm

    I (38y)knew the girl(30y) for 3 years prior to dating, definitely considered her a friend, a very flirty friend. Plenty of dates; we hooked up a few times but nothing serious. My father passed away, and we started dating about 3 weeks after. we dated for 6 months, until she called it off, saying that she couldn’t see pass being friends (The story I got from her friends was I was pushing the pace to fast, which I was for sure).

    We had a pretty big trip planned to commence in 2.5 months from the break up date. so we decided to do it, we both remained single and still planned the finer details of the trip, kind of always in contact. We did the trip, 5 weeks overseas, it went well. We got back and I told her that I was in love with her. She said she was not in the same place, and that she hopes we could be friends and would be very sad if we couldn’t and that she would always care about me regardless, something like that.

    I thought about it, heartbroken, and agreed to friends after about a week of thinking, but after another week or so of basically no contact I had come to realize that we have never been friends prior, and we’ve always been two people going on dates with mutual attraction, I cannot see myself being just friends with her, at least not now. I started the no contact, to get over her so I could hit a reset with us. But she is texting me, “Hiya :) How are you doing?” type texts, under the assumption we are pals.., But I have not replied.

    What do I do? Do I have to tell her that I have rethought my position on the friends thing? Or just go no contact without saying anything? Or do I reply in short to her texts? I DO NOT want to be a backup plan. or the guy she talks to about other relationships, (she BTW has plenty of these guys already in her life). I also do not want to talk relationship stuff anymore, it’s such a drag.

    I have never been dumped until now, I KNOW I became needy and pushed the pace with her. Prior to this relationship I have never been the needy type, I admitted it to her when we initially broke it off, I admitted my emotions were a bit all over the map after my dad passed, and I was working it out. But once you cross that needy bridge it’s hard to go back, I know I’ve seen it from the other side.

  • M July 15, 2014, 12:40 pm

    I don’t know if you got my last comment but my girlfriend and I have been going out for a little over 10 months. I’m 21 and going to be a senior in college and she’s 17 and going to be a freshman in college. I’ve been her first everything pretty much. We were already past the “honeymoon stage” and were on the I love you/ I’m in love with you level in our relationship.
    Well she just recently had her freshman orientation and before that everything was fine; she said she missed me and wanted to see me asap. But during and after her orientation she started acting completely different towards me. When she got back she told me that she needed to talk to me about something. Of course that made my heart sink..
    I thought she was going to break up with me, but what she said was worse (I think). She asked if we could try to have an open relationship, at least for a while just so she could see/try and experience some of the things that I already have. She said that she didn’t want to break up or take a break or anything but felt like she couldn’t continue the relationship unless she had the chance to see for herself.
    I didn’t know what to say at first because I considered it but I know these sort of things never work out. I completely understand that she’s curious because we’ve all been there (myself included) and she said it’s only so she doesn’t have any doubts in the future because she loves me and can see herself with me forever.
    But regardless, I decided that my best course of action was to break up with her. As much as it hurt (still hurts) I knew it had to be done so I did.. I just could not stand the thought of sharing her.
    I told her my reasoning and hours later after I had left her house she texted me that she didn’t want to never see me again, that she loves me so much and couldn’t stop crying. She said she didn’t want it to be over but she just wanted to try for a semester. I told her to go ahead and see and that I wouldn’t hold her back but for her not to expect me to just sit around and wait for her. I told her if she wanted to talk she could text me but I wouldn’t text her.
    The next day she texted me saying that she missed me and loves me. We talked for a bit and I even considered going to talk to her but she didn’t know what else there was to talk about because both our minds were made up.
    She ended with saying that she would just need to keep annoyingly texting me whenever she cried. I told her I love her with all my heart and she told me she loves me more than anything.
    That was 5 days ago.. I guess that’s when the NC rule started because we haven’t talked since then. Only liked each other’s’ pictures on Instagram. And I’m just afraid that she’s already over it, or doesn’t miss me because she’s not texting me because she’s not crying anymore like she said she would, and I don’t know what to think.
    I know I need to keep my distance for now and eventually re-connect with her but we still have about a month till we go back to school. Should I wait that month and contact her right before we both leave? Or should I wait longer? What if she contacts me before the NC period is up?
    I still love her so much and I want her back more than anything, but only if she will be fully committed to me as I am to her. I would appreciate any and all advice you have to offer me. Thank you so much.

  • DF July 15, 2014, 12:25 pm

    Hi Kevin and community.

    I know and understand patience is key in waiting out a “rebound relationship”, but how do you get past the annoyance of seeing the new person in her life everyday.

    And a small update. I go to a park near my job at lunch, she texted me asking if I was still there so she can tell me something about work (suppose to meet last night, but she canceled), she told me what she had to and said maybe we can meet later and I can show you more for you to understand it.

    I plan on leaving my job in the near future once I find something new. Thoughts?

    • Dara July 15, 2014, 1:32 pm


      You seem to be doing well. Keep calm and have fun during the lunch. Getting better job is a plus for sure! Go for it! Good luck!

      • DF July 15, 2014, 2:05 pm

        Thanks Dara! It’s a fight everyday. It just hit 1 month but have a lot of confidence it will get better.

        • Dara July 15, 2014, 2:52 pm

          You’re welcome DF! Its the confidence that matters!

  • N.s July 15, 2014, 12:17 pm

    Okay, whole story time. Me and my boyfriend were in a relationship for two weeks. Like he acted serious and so did I. Like me and him were the same no joke. It was unreal how I knew when he was upset and why. And now he broke up with me. And is seeing this girl who cause a lot of drama and needs to stop. Because he started threatening me that she would do something. I mean. I’m blaming her for the fact of putting all this crap in his head. But alittle bit after our break up. I hooked up with his best friend..will he come back in due time? If I follow these steps?

    • a.z July 17, 2014, 9:12 pm

      hey n.s,
      i’m really sorry for saying this,i really am but you have never been in a relationship with that guy.i mean 2 weeks is really nothing.you never got to know each other and it was nothing serious and you hooked up with his best friend.even if it was a 2 year relationship i would have suggested you to move on cuz even if you get back together,its not gonna be a healthy relationship.

      • Rihanna July 18, 2014, 5:51 am

        Amen to that a.z :) … (I’m sorry but I agree, 2 weeks + hooking up with bestie= bad)

  • Nyla July 15, 2014, 12:11 pm

    Okay, yeah. I need help seriously. Like me and my boyfriend broke up and he’s going out with a girl who starts drama and he says I start drama. But a little after we broke up I had sex with his best friend. Will this still work?…I’m just saying. Is this advice still valid?

  • robin July 15, 2014, 11:42 am

    Hi guys! i need some advice, my and my ex girlfriend broke up after about 2 year, 1,5 week after the breakup she started dating with my best friend. i tried to ignored her for a while, but we stil have contact monthly because of work. around a week ago i spoke to her again and we did something togheter, this ended up in kissing. the day after she went to go talk to her boyfriend, and after the ignored me and wanted some extra space. any advice?

    • Rihanna July 18, 2014, 5:54 am

      Hi Robin,

      Do NC for 30 days then send her a message that you accept the break up and you’re moving on. She needs to realise that she can’t just come back to you any time, that you’re not her door mat. Just follow the 5 step plan. Good luck

      • Robin July 20, 2014, 6:07 am

        The whole situation got a bit more complicated, i heard and now for sure the guy she is dating kissed another girl, while she was away on holiday. it gives me a bad feeling because he is hurting her already. Somewhere i know it isn’t my problem anymore, but offcourse i still care.

  • Giulia July 15, 2014, 11:03 am

    It seems that I can’t find my story even if I send two of them….now is very urgent.
    Something came up, tomorrow is the birthday party of our friend but I started the No contact philosophy just 4 days ago. I don’t really know what to do because I know him and I think that maybe this NC thing will do but I have to do it perfectly or it could go very bad, I’m really scared.
    My idea for now is that I won’t go and if they ask me why I’ll say that I’ve already made plans with others, nothing too specific.
    I just don’t know if is the right thing to do,I don’t want them to think that I’m too weak to face my ex or I’m some kinda of a bitch to not go out with them, but I don’t want to explain to them the NC plan because they could tell him about that and my work’ll fail.
    Please I could really use an advise right now….

  • Bill July 15, 2014, 10:08 am

    Hi! I would really appreciate a response from you. I have a question concerning the no contact period. I had successfully completed it. However, towards the last couple weeks i coped with a drug. After, I discontinued the use of the substance, I went right back to sending her a plethora of mostly depressing texts, (I believe I was just having an off day, I have three months to heal.) She replied at first but did not the last night. Although, the next day she sent me a texting saying we could converse often and that she’s cool with it. Should I still ignore her for 30 days? I’m completely recovered from the use of the drug, i promise I’m a happy person and have certainly accepted the loss of the love of my life. My only wish is to have her in my life again, of course preferably as a life mate. I appreciate your time!

    • a.z July 17, 2014, 9:02 pm

      I think yes,you should restart NC.try to make positive changes in your life as much as possible.if you are friends on fb,use it to show you are having a good time without her.after NC,she doesn’t have to know that you want her back.you should contact her then meet her and impress her with your positive changes.then try to have a good time with her,and hopefully you can reattract her again.

  • Brianna July 15, 2014, 9:51 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago. We were together for 5 months and talked for 3 before dating. We met online and I moved across the country for him. We have a real kind of connection. Now when he left me, he told me he doesnt love me, doesnt find my personality attractive and doesnt want a romantic relationship with me. He has had a lot happen to him in the past week, I left for vacation which was the first time leaving him in 5 months and while i was gone he was fired from his job and lost his place to live. He says he wants time to do him and figure out his life and doesnt want a relationship right now. His birthday is in a week…Help me figure out when is the right time to contact him again, without waiting to long so hes moved on to someone else and making sure i gave enough time before trying to start a friendship that will turn into more…

    • a.z July 17, 2014, 8:53 pm

      since you broke up 4 days ago,so NC will be more powerful to make him miss you.continue NC for 30 days.don’t break it.he will miss your presence in his life during this time.he will not forget you over a month.and don’t worry even if you think he sees someone.its gonna be a rebound and doesn’t last.don’t ever stalk him on facebook or any other social media.use your facebook account to show him you are having a good time without him.avoid any sad status updates.sign up to kevin’s email series it helps you alot during NC and forever.

  • Anson July 15, 2014, 9:01 am

    Story can be found here: http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/comment-page-9/#comment-29607
    Okay, so she just posted a reblog on tumblr and basically said that she’s going to be getting cuddles in December. This means that they’re already planning on meeting each other which would be normal if 1. She wasn’t usually a very awkward person who doesn’t let people in very easily. 2. Didn’t live between 8000-9000 miles apart. 3. Hadn’t been together for less than a month.
    It took me ages to get her to be comfortable enough around me to let me meet her and get to spend time with her in person or even to let me see her on skype let alone to do anything more. What do I do? I really think that he’s only going there to have sex with her and then probably won’t care what happens after that. And she’s a very emotionally weak person and even cut herself and thought about suicide before I came into her life.
    She also just started school again. This takes away a huge amount of time they had together and now they don’t seem to spend too much time at all together like they used to, but its only been a few days since that happened so I really don’t know what to do. I really miss this girl and would do anything in the world to get her back and to take care of her.

    • Dara July 15, 2014, 3:11 pm

      Follow the plan Anson! I believe Kevin’s advise will increase your chances! This rebound guy has to work for ages to get to the point where you were! So its a tough job for him as well. Maybe he’ll give up somewhere.

      • Anson July 15, 2014, 3:26 pm

        To a point, yes. But to a point, no. It took me forever for her to even get into a video skype call with me due to her being nervous/anxious, etc, but they talk on skype, I assume in video calls as well, all the time. She also got up at 4 in the morning today which is very unlike her so that she could spend time with him since neither of them stay up late for the other (which is something I did every single night for her). I’m following the plan and Kevin’s advice as best I can, but seeing that they already want to meet scares me. As I’ve said before, I don’t think they’ll last, but I’m terrified that he’ll hurt her emotionally and mentally as well. She’s basically made it really easy on him since he has none of the walls to break down that I had and she’s much more trusting of him than she was of anyone when I first met her. I’m really hoping they fall apart well before December and she comes back to me, but I’m also scared that it won’t or she won’t.

        • Dara July 15, 2014, 4:07 pm

          I think this NC will help you get ready for any scenario!

          What you said is signs of rebound relationship. It starts fiery but will probably choke off because it didn’t have enough chemicals!

          Good luck for your NC days!

    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 11:28 am

      Don’t do anything. From what you said, it’s probably a rebound relationship. As for her being hurt, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. If you try, it’s only going to make you look needy and it will only push her further into his arms. The best you can do is be there for her if she contacts you once their relationship is over.

      • Anson July 18, 2014, 3:16 pm

        Today marks exactly a month without her, but it hasn’t been a month since our last contact. I know you told me to give her 2 months NC, and I will, but do I contact her a month from now or a month from the last time we had contact?

        • a.z July 18, 2014, 6:28 pm

          a month from the last time you had contact.

  • Daniel July 15, 2014, 8:47 am

    A strong storm is coming. Should i text her to keep safe? Is that a plus points? Lol. Like “how have you been you? Storm is strong. Keep safe”
    Like that hahaha

    • Dara July 15, 2014, 2:27 pm

      Hey Daniel,

      Did you send the text? Where you live OH or TN?

      • Daniel July 15, 2014, 7:36 pm

        Kevin and everyone,
        So i texted her this morming to stay safe because of the storm. She replied to me saying same for me and my family. I said thanks and pulled a simple joke about the storm but she disnt reply. Our texts are pretty brief and simple. Well atleast i got a response and i gues we’re on good terms. She said she wants to be friends in the future anyway but idk when is right timing. She really wants to move on and get over me before making friends. I will still try to move on as well tho its bery hard lol.

        • David July 16, 2014, 7:34 am

          Hi Daniel,

          Festival David,

          I think you should try not to think of the “timing” and go with the flow, youve played it cool, you text to tell her to stay safe and she replied to you which is good!
          Dont try and think of another reason to text her or keep the conversation going, she might reply in a few hours or even a day or 2, but the fact she replied is good.
          She will start talking to you when the timing is right, or who knows. Even if shes “Trying” to move on…that just sounds like a rebound, she will only move on in her own time, she cant speed that process up herself.
          I would leave it as it is for now, maybe in a week or 2… different opportunities may arise in which case you find yourself again with a genuine reason to text her. Maybe another storm? haha

          Who knows what will happen then, but for now its good and shes replied to you :)

          • Daniel July 16, 2014, 9:37 am

            Yep! I like the idea. I’ve been following that system but you gave me a broader view and idea. I’ll only text her when there is a genuine opportunity. Thanks david! Great info. Great help. I hope you are also doing good. :)

  • Mary July 15, 2014, 7:28 am

    My ex and I dated over the past 3 years, he’s 3 years older than me. We’ve had a break up around last April and eventually got back together he couldn’t handle his feelings when he saw me. Each other’s first loves. I feel this break up is different because he has never told me not to talk to him again and he said that we’re not good for each other he was scared of getting temptation while with me. I hear about him talking to another girl who he’s talked to before being a complete gentleman. Then also at bars getting drunk with girls at bars. He goes out everyday with some new friends he made about 2 months ago and does who knows what. He’s told his friends that he loves me but we’re over and it’s time to move on. He has a pretty set mind, he’s very stubborn. I feel like being together so long but still moving to fast and us being different ages is what really got to us we also have different sets of friends although we get along with each other’s we always liked our own freedom. My thing is when a guy says things like that about being completely over the relationship with me, should I just move on or do we have hope? I’ve already started no contact, we’ve only talked once since the breakup where I tried to make things right but obviously failed. We had a connection like no other we were both so different yet accepting of each other, we were always a good time when we were together always finding something to laugh about. But any argue or disagreement would get to him and he hated it which I offered to help work on and he turned it down. He also broke up with me over the phone if that means anything. A part of me is losing hope but the other part doesn’t want me too. During this no contact period I’ve helped myself a lot and I must say I am very happy but then he’s still on my mind.

  • Derrick July 15, 2014, 7:19 am

    What if me and my ex work together…how does 30 day no contact rule work then?

    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 11:21 am

      I’ve written about it here.

  • Terrence July 15, 2014, 7:00 am

    well she said we’re taking a break , but i feel like we are never gonna get back together . i love her but idk if she loves me still, she said we’re taking a break becuz we fight alot, but i think there’s no to why we brokeup , how do i know she still loves me?

    • a.z July 17, 2014, 8:38 pm

      There is nothing you can do to make sure how she feels right now.you should follow the plan.

  • Matt July 15, 2014, 4:46 am

    HELP!I’m 20yrs old. Me and my ex broke up a week ago after dating four months, we had a rough patch over her revealing she was hiding negative thoughts about me and our relationship. I got upset and told her I needed to think.

    A couple days later we met for lunch, but she had already eaten chinese and happily showed me her fortune which a friend is about give you good news. then we started talking and she told me how her dad would surprise her mom with flowers and how sometimes we felt like friends with a lot of kissing even though it had been both of our longest and best relationships by far. I didn’t compliment her as much as I should of. she is going to school 2 hours away this fall, and she said she didn’t want to do long distance if were just going to break up. after two lunches like this she broke up with me.

    Since then I have taken a job that forces me to travel often. I dream about her every night. I can’t get her out of my head and sometimes I am just completely miserable. A couple days ago I broke the ice and called her and said I still wanted to be friends. She readily agreed and we talked a little bit amicably. I admittedly called her again yesterday and we chatted again about various things.

    I want her back more than anything. I wish i could have been more romantic I want to get her flowers and I wish i had found a chance to take out in my truck in the middle of night to look at the stars. I would do anything to get her back.

  • NB July 15, 2014, 4:02 am

    Hello everyone.

    My ex and I have known each other for about 9 months, and when we met we hit it off instantly. We’re both in high school. Things were going well and we were happy until about a month and a half before the breakup.

    We broke up because things just became really bitter and stressful. Our problem was that we almost only saw each other at school because whenever I tried to make plans with her she was busy. However, we talked, texted, and video chatted 24/7. I wasn’t intimate enough with her; I should have been a lot more loving. We never had any alone time and I was nervous about getting too physical with her at school in crowded hallways with everyone around us trying to get to class, or in the couple of classes we had together in front of our teachers. Towards the end, we had a bunch of little arguments and hard feelings. Nothing major or important, it was meaningless arbitrary stuff. I think it was mostly due to stress from us not seeing each other enough. However, I admit that I often made a big deal of things that didn’t really matter and would get upset, bitter, and dramatic over little stuff. I’m fully willing to admit all this and I’m ready to apologize to her. I feel like an idiot.

    All of this eventually led to her getting cold, distant, and aloof. She started ignoring me over call/text for weeks and when I saw her in person she avoided me or barely said anything at all. Finally, school ended and she was completely ignoring any attempt I made to contact her. After trying to ask her what was bothering her and talk things out for about a week, I realized it wasn’t working so I ended things officially. I don’t think there was anything else I could do. I wasn’t angry, insulting, or nasty about it. At most I told her she was being immature. A few days afterwards I found this site (among others) and started NC.

    So, I’ve been in NC for almost a month now and have been starting to think of breaking it within the next month. I’m over being miserable, needy, desperate etc. I’ve been enjoying my hobbies, seeing friends, having a good time, getting out in nature, and working out. Life is getting good again.

    Last night out of the blue, she posted a very angry picture of herself on Instagram with this caption: “Take a minute to~ 1. See the hate for you in my eyes. 2. Text your replacement. 3. Ignore this because you’re an asshole. 4. Just know you suck.” I don’t know where she came up with this idea, but she thinks I’ve replaced her with someone (I definitely haven’t, not immature enough to start a rebound). I’m confused about why she’s saying I’m an asshole for ignoring her because before NC, I never ignored her for more than a few hours to cool off. She was the one who became cold and started ignoring me, while I was trying to apologize and talk things out.

    Also, I found out she’s in a rebound relationship…it’s painstakingly obvious. It’s only been about a month since we broke up, and I’m clearly still on her mind. She proved that with her Instagram drama. From what I know she’s known him for 6 or 7 weeks, and they’ve probably been together for 1 or 2.

    Before this, I had no idea she was this bitter and upset about me. I thought she was indifferent, uncaring, and just done with me at most; and that she was probably starting to feel better. I was getting the feeling that after the breakup she thought I was an idiot and was too needy and dramatic… not that she hated me and thought I was an asshole. She hadn’t contacted me or talked about me publicly before this and I thought she might be moving past the breakup (the first part–the good way).

    Now I’m confused what my next move should be. I actually feel really bad for her. Before, I thought she just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, but now I see that she’s hurt and upset. I’m not sure if her thinking I’ve replaced her is necessarily a good or bad thing. I think it might make her become jealous, see me as a challenge, and want me back, but on the other hand I don’t want her to think I’m a jerk or that I cheated on her or something. Should I let her know I don’t hate her, and I haven’t replaced her? Should I tell her she’s wasting her time and energy holding onto all these negative feelings and calling me names on the internet? Or should I ignore this and keep doing NC? I’ve been thinking it might be a good idea to end NC when her rebound ends. Either way, I’ll start seeing her again in early September as we’re both in high school.

  • Edward July 15, 2014, 1:48 am

    Hi Dara,

    It’s great to see that you’ve been working on yourself, you seem happy. How are things with your ex now, do you still have feelings for her? It’s been so long since you two have contacted, and sometimes it’s bad to wait too long if you are still looking forward to get back with her. If you are happy and still is interested in her, I think it’s a great time to ask her for lunch or something even if it’s before graduation. I believe in you, good luck Dara.

    • Dara July 15, 2014, 10:49 am


      I’m glad to see you here! Thanks for the post.

      I think with her graduation plan, goodbye is probably inevitable. She must have thought really hard about it. Moreover, she must have made some plans on her post graduation.

      What annoys me about her personality is that she expected ideal of me but she wasn’t really ideal. I am very sincere and honest about my emotions and plans (except here because my mind still tricks me) but she lives in the world of head-games. In these days, no one expects anything from me and this is really relaxing.

      I am confident about what I am doing now. It sounds a bit impolite when I say, “she is probably stressed up in these days and has gained weight but I want to avoid her at least before her graduation”. There are chances that if I contact her, I escalate her stress furthermore. It will probably backfire on me. As a rule of thumb its always best to contact people when they are really happy.

      I believe if she hasn’t moved on, she won’t in these days. Sorry, but I also want her to feel lonely these days and re-evaluate her actions lately. During our relationship, I had never let her alone which was my bad!

      Edward, I am doing this NC for myself. I love the changes. I don’t think about her when I am drunk lately! Can’t believe it!

      About your question, I describe my feelings about her as “smooth affection”! Its not intense or crazy anymore. Maybe its because I have forgotten the intense bad days and think about her as a new relationship.

      Dude! How about you? Any updates? Still waiting for the summer to end? Oh! Killing time really sucks! I also believe you have done a great job so far! I like the fact that you have changed the trend of your breakup! Great!

      • Edward July 15, 2014, 4:40 pm

        Everything is great for me, been working out and going summer school. My ex is in east coast right now and will be back next week. I won’t be able to see her until this month is over. I don’t think you’ll cause her stress if you contact her, it’s been so long since you’ve did. Most of us will feel less connected to our ex especially after a period of NC. It’s up to you, but I think it wouldn’t be too bad sending her a text to see how she’s doing.

        • Dara July 15, 2014, 6:28 pm


          I’m glad that you are doing great!

          You guys got me thinking. Maybe I should prepare an email or hand written letter, a tricky one! Now, most of my brain is under my control! LOL

    • Dara July 15, 2014, 11:53 pm


      Its really hard to decide!

      Its true that we had really good moments but something from inside me says, “avoid her, she’s the devil”. She is a racist who talks about respect and equality. She would call someone stupid but if you call that person stupid the next day, would criticizes you on using inappropriate words the whole week! There has been no communication between she and her dad for years!! That always worried me about the mental health of that family.

      When I thought about marrying her, I thought my children should be 100% like me and 0% percent like her. So, what attracts me to her? Probably her head-games made me addicted to her.

      I have a half complete letter draft but these thoughts were break. I will need a couple of more days to work on a small but effective email!

      Right now, I’m confused!

      • Dara July 16, 2014, 10:02 am

        WOWW! Last night I was so negative!! I sent her a positive email saying that I have changed, I have heard about her graduation and I support her! Since, I am no more crazy, I hope any negative (or no) response does not impact me! LOL!

        • a.z July 16, 2014, 11:01 am

          i saw your last night’s post just now and i totally understand you.but whatever it is you still love this girl and want to be with her.i know there are too many logical explanations that tell us we should continue NC until we make sure about how we feel and if it is gonna be a healthy relationship or not.but i personally couldn’t do that and even though i see too many reasons not to be with my ex,i want him back.so don’t worry about it.
          and i wish u all the best with the email response.

          • Dara July 16, 2014, 11:29 am


            Thanks again for being here!

            I’m okay if she does not respond. Just like you I am working on other plans! This one is stressful while others are fun! I have accepted the fact that she will probably go to some other town and its not really work! I don’t like LDR! I love intimacy!

            I think I don’t love this girl anymore! I like her! I’m sure about it! I think her boss was slightly upset about her because she did not inform them about graduation. Now, they have to recruit someone else in a short notice!

            Thanks again a.z.!

  • crystal July 15, 2014, 12:10 am

    This should. Really help me thank you

  • Jordy July 14, 2014, 11:56 pm

    My situation is different. I broke up with my boyfriend, he was a mess, told me he loved me, wanted me back, he’d wait forever, etc. etc. during this time we were friends. about after 1.5 months of this i realized i made a huge mistake and i still loved him a lot. When I talked about maybe getting back together if i moved back to the west coast (we were in a LDR and I broke up with him because I was entertaining the idea of moving abroad instead of moving back to LA and didn’t want to regret it. and then I decided i can’t be without him and instead would move to LA to be with him) he was very into the idea and said he would “like that a lot”. then the more affectionate I was with him and called him the more distant and cold he became. he was like this for a month and now it was me calling him and him saying no, that he can’t be in a relationship right now. the last time we talked at the end of last month he said he didn’t believe me when i said I wanted to be with him and he felt jerked around. he then said he needed space for the rest of the summer and I said okay i will call you when I get back from my vacation (to the country I wanted to move to) around labor day and we would both reflect on things and then decide if we wanted to be in a relationship or friends. he said okay. I think he still has feelings but is scared of me hurting him again.

    a week later i emailed him (i know. i should have found your site sooner!) and told him i had thought about things and wanted to be with him and know he’s the one. i also told him i wouldn’t contact him again but i didn’t need two months to know that he’s my soulmate no response.

    obviously this is tricky because:
    1. I dumped him
    2. he initiated the NC and I agreed.


  • Bill July 14, 2014, 11:19 pm

    Hi! I would really appreciate a response from you. I have a question concerning the no contact period. I had successfully completed it. However, towards the last couple weeks i coped with a drug. After, I discontinued the use of the substance, I went right back to sending her a plethora of mostly depressing texts, (I believe I was just having an off day, I have three months to heal.) She replied at first but did not the last night. Although, the next day she sent me a texting saying we could converse often and that she’s cool with it. Should I still ignore her for 30 days? I’m completely recovered from the use of the drug, i promise I’m a happy person and have certainly accepted the loss of the love of my life. My only wish is to have her in my life again, of course preferably as a life mate. Thank you for you time!

    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 11:16 am

      I think 30 days can still benefit you since you’ve recently showed her your needy self.

  • k.w. July 14, 2014, 7:02 pm

    So I’ve gone into complete panic mode , I think my ex is talking to someone else and I think I know who it is. But I can’t confirm it nor deny it because I dont know. Help me please!!

    • Daniel July 14, 2014, 7:11 pm

      Easy. Nothing you can do about that. You cant control it. Just dont let yourself act upon emotion. Dont let loose. Chill.

      • k.w. July 14, 2014, 7:19 pm

        I know I’m completely nervous that he is going to to happy with her.

        • Daniel July 14, 2014, 7:26 pm

          Let him be. dont try to stop him. He wont appreciate you for that. Just focus ob yourself and after sometime let him see and slap it into his face how better you are than that girl.

          • k.w. July 14, 2014, 8:00 pm

            Yah, I know. How am I suppose to show that I am better than her, not right now obviously. But when the right time does present it self?

          • a.z July 14, 2014, 8:06 pm

            i totally agree with Daniel.don’t panic its probably a rebound. you can check it here http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/is-your-ex-in-a-rebound-relationship/
            .even if he its not rebound there is a way and you can check it here http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-when-he-has-moved-on-to-a-new-girlfriend/

          • a.z July 14, 2014, 8:11 pm

            i posted a comment and its waiting moderation. i agree with daniel its most probably a rebound.don’t panic and read the article there is a section about it.even if its not a rebound,there will be a chance to get back together.

          • k.w. July 14, 2014, 8:18 pm

            I know that its more than likely a rebound, but I am feeling like she is much better than I am.

          • Daniel July 14, 2014, 8:25 pm

            Talk about better!
            My ex is seeing a college volleyball player. Hes taller and more built. While im shorter and fat. Just gain some confidence. Its not about getting better sometimes. Its about accepting yourself and not feeling insecure.

          • a.z July 14, 2014, 8:30 pm

            doesn’t matter,physical appearance is important but its not everything when it comes to the connection between the partners.just try to be the best version of yourself.do whatever you can to look better. even one positive change in you can trigger your ex’s emotions to get back.be confident and its really attractive to guys.
            Good luck

          • Daniel July 14, 2014, 8:46 pm

            Well that volleyball player looks old or matured perhaps. While me. Im cute you know baby face lol. Its true i dont look like 22. Im like 16. Haha. We are different. But my ex was a vbol player too while my sport is basketball idk maybe its about vbol thats why they connected

          • k.w. July 14, 2014, 9:09 pm

            Daniel, I agree with a.z. Physical appearance is nothing special. My ex was not even remotely attractive. There will be a girl out there for you. Now to get a guys point if view. Is it true that guys move on faster than women ? Me and my ex broke up three weeks ago so I’m just wondering .

          • a.z July 14, 2014, 9:13 pm

            you believe you two had a deep connection so don’t worry about anything.
            if they are both volleyball players, it doesn’t mean that they are feeling a special connection.
            do i feel any emotional connection when i go out with another dentist? hell no LOL

          • a.z July 14, 2014, 9:21 pm

            sorry for jumping in.i am a female actually but i think you cant say which one moves on faster.it really depends on the situation like who dumped who? and why?and other situations.
            and guys deal with the break ups kinda different than we think.

          • k.w. July 14, 2014, 9:39 pm

            A.z. No you’re fine. I want to hear other peoples point of view. I just want to know if my ex can even really move on in three weeks. Its probably more than likely a rebound? So he can have someone fill in my spot. I had trust issues with him. So I’m not really sure if I really want to get back with him or is it the fact that I feel lonely. We dated almost two years. So I don’t know.

          • k.w. July 14, 2014, 11:42 pm

            He’s the one who dumped me. We were stressed with school and fighting alot. Unfortunately I did not trust him. Were both 20 , this girl that he works with is 17 she started talking to him and she basically started telling him what she’s capable of. I noticed that he was snapchatting her. We all know what snap chatting is good for. We had a huge argument and he ended the conversation with him telling me he has “feelings” for her. But I’m not even sure that he’s talking to her. I think he’s trying to talk to another girl but I am probably jumping to conclusions. I have a tendency of over analyzing everything. So, I’m thinking that he’s trying to find someone to replace me right now. We are both going to the same university this coming fall, so I don’t how everything will play out, but I am keeping my options open.

        • a.z July 14, 2014, 9:39 pm

          and 3 weeks is nothing.you need to follow the plan.

          • a.z July 14, 2014, 9:44 pm

            if you were in any type of serious relationship,he is definitely not moved on.and its a rebound. and 2 years is a really long time so don’t worry.he can’t move on so fast. start NC and continue it until you make sure if you want him back or not. read the article and follow the plan.

          • k.w. July 14, 2014, 10:05 pm

            I never really thought that he could move on In three weeks especially sense we did go out for a long time and it was pretty serious. Thank you for all your advice it has helped me from going into complete panic mode.

          • Daniel July 14, 2014, 10:57 pm

            No on moves on in 3weeks. Even if they have a reserve before the breakup. I agree with a.z. It depends who dumped who and why. But i think hes in a rebound. Trying to fill the void loneliness.

          • Dara July 14, 2014, 11:54 pm


            In fact, guys are slower in moving on, if they were in a real relationship! 2 years look like more than real to me! Just like other guys (including a.z.) mentioned here,2 or 3 weeks is really nothing! I’m sure he will move back to you! Just follow Kevin’s articles and advises!

            If you feel like you are in any panic mode, simply post it here! We’ll be there to calm you down or at the most give our opinions on the situation!

            By the way, my ex is short and a bit fluffy but I love her over any other girl! These features don’t really matter when it comes to an established relationship!

            We’ll be glad to hear more from you k.w!

          • k.w. July 15, 2014, 12:20 am

            I am so glad I found this website. Honestly yall are the only people who have been able to help me get through this. I really hope he realizes what he’s lost and does come back to me. Truthly yall will be hearing alot from me. Thank yall again !

  • Daniel July 14, 2014, 6:20 pm

    Thankyou for saying good things. Thanks kevin and rihanna for seeing me as a champ. But i cant bring myself to beleive it. Im so down right now my life was a mess when she left. I cant find happiness alone i cant feel that i am complete without a partner. I still love her why she is already moving on. Im trying hard to move on but i always have this morning struggles. When i wake up i miss her so much. I tremble with sadness. My family is not a help also theyre lectures are just adding stress to me. I dont know what makes me happy. I want to meet new people but i cant im stuck with my friends that are i think fed up with my drama. Sometimes im okay sometimes im so so depressed. I just need someone to hug and blurt everything out. I dont even have a bestfriend. I need to compose myself but i dont know where to start. I just wish she comes back. Is there a way to move on fast? Im sorry i just dont know where to turn to. This breakup was so so devastating for me.

    • a.z July 14, 2014, 6:44 pm

      I’m really sorry Daniel,i exactly know how you feel.and how terrible this is when you feel the pain in your heart when you wake up every morning.but trust me,this will go way.no matter what,you are gonna be happy again.i wish i could do something to reduce your pain but all i can say is that you have been acting really good.you have been really strong.remember the day i thought my ex was dating someone? remember my reaction?but you didn’t do any of that.so you are really a champ.
      to move on, you should really be ok with being single first.you should enjoy your life.do what you like.take a hobby,do what you always wanted to do but you didn’t have time for it,go out with your friends,party,whatever like that,have some fun.don’t talk about your break up to your friends it only makes you feel worse.whenever you feel like you need to talk to someone,come here and talk to us. when you feel a little better about your life try to date new girls even if you are not really interested.
      go to gym,go biking,swimming and you will feel the change in yourself.
      don’t worry about not finding a new girl. its almost 5 months after my breakup and trust me i went on a lot of dates but i wasn’t feeling that good until i found that i’m ok with being single.and this happened to me only a few days ago.you should know that you don’t need your ex or any other girl to be happy.
      don’t think about why she is moving on ,i know it hurts but i really believe that its her loss.and i’m sure your gonna find a new girl and a perfect relationship.

      be strong buddy x

      • Daniel July 14, 2014, 6:59 pm

        My tears almost came out while reading your reply. Is it true you’re a dentist? My ex is currently in her dentistry proper. You know, i just need to pull myself together. When i found out that she posted pics of her with a new guy it feels like im back to square one. Like i want to go to her place and confront her and beat the guy into a pulp. But i know that it will do nothing good that i will only end up being the loser so i just ignored it. In dating new girls. I want to date but some reject me. Others are not really ny type. Like there is no spark. Get me? So i think the only way know is to find myself. Fix myself. Everything should be about myself. I feel alone most of the time. And its hard. Im looking for support so i tend to tell them to my friends. Like Dara said thy’re answers are pretty generic. The funny thing is i find the best support is from my ex’s older sister although they dont live togther and has her own family. I visit there quite ofte because i find comfort there. But im not hoping or asking for a help from her to get back with my ex. It’s hard to thibk that the thing you used to be doin or the things that you could have been doing, shes doing with someone else. That is so damn painful.

        • a.z July 14, 2014, 7:43 pm

          I totally get whatever your saying and that makes alot of sense.you are right.you are the most important thing in your life right now.don’t care about your friend’s words .even my close friends don’t understand me and they used to say some annoying things that only made me feel worse.don’t care about them at all.change your circle if possible.you should have a good time.go on a trip where you have no memory of your ex if possible.put everything that reminds you of her away for atleast a little while until you feel better.
          i remember i couldn’t sleep in my own bed because i couldn’t handle the memories.you see? i’m really ok now so i’m sure you are gonna be ok.
          don’t think about what she might be doing. you know? the reason i did so many things was because i was really hurt from the breakup. i was doing everything to reduce the pain and hopefully forget about my ex.and guess what? i am still single and i still love my ex.i never felt something real for those guys.all i wanted was my ex. i want to be frank here to make you sure that even if she is dating someone,that doesn’t mean that she has moved on. i slept with 2 guys and trust me it only made me miss my ex more.even now,i’m saying that i kinda feel something for that new guy and this is for the first time after my breakup only because i am not afraid of losing my ex or being single anymore. because i have been trying so hard and i’m kinda tired.and also i am saying that i still love my ex and i want him back.i’m working on myself to get him back but i need a breaktime cuz i can’t take anymore pain.so don’t think about what she might be doing.
          you need to care about yourself.once you feel ok you can start fresh.no one said you can never get back with her,in fact you have been great until your friends told you about the pics.
          just get yourself out of pressure for a little while and relax.

          • Daniel July 14, 2014, 7:59 pm

            Thanks a lot. I really dont know where to start but im trying to pick up the pieces. Its been 4mos since we broke up but im stil like this. I hate the feeling kf missing her. I hate the pain. Im so tired of all of it but my heart wont stop. This is very hard. Im glad i found friends here.

          • a.z July 14, 2014, 8:16 pm

            your welcome champ,
            its really normal,everything you feel is normal.don’t blame yourself for what you feel.you are even better than most of us.take it step by step.
            you are gonna be better soon.only you can make yourself happy and i’m really sure you can do it xoxo

          • Dara July 14, 2014, 11:39 pm


            I still feel like you are my little bro, so I have everything for you! Its really hard! I know it!

            Daniel, I have a suggestion, don’t be close to her sister. Maybe, your ex is finding her solace in talking about you being needy though her sister! Just like Kevin and Rihanna said, I believe you are a champ! Even a.z. insisted on it!

            About the true friend, I also don’t find any true friend anymore! Probably, its an age matter! True friends are hard to find after some age! But just like a.z. said, if you feel lonely, let us know. We will talk about it in our post/comments!

            Life sucks! We are not the first ones, we won’t be the last ones!

            Try dating as many girls you see around! Just try my bro! Simply flirt with them! Your ex dated you for so long time, so will thousands of girls around you! I promise you!! You were sexy to her, so will you to thousands of them (girls) around! You just need to time to discover them!

            I will be glad to hear more from you my friend!!

          • Daniel July 15, 2014, 12:03 am

            Well my ex doesnt know that her sister and me are still talking. We kept it between ourselves to preserve the friendship and no to further the damage.

          • Dara July 15, 2014, 12:23 am


            As you know, girls talk more than guys. I still believe there are chances! Yet, it still depends on the personality but my ex’s friends knew a lot about our relationship. Once my ex said that even her friends ask her about the size of the dick!

          • Daniel July 15, 2014, 2:09 am

            Hahahaha! Well, the thing is my ex is not in constant contact with her sister. Actually they are having a hard time contacting each other. But then again you are right i will distance myself.

          • Rihanna July 17, 2014, 2:56 am


            I agree with Dara, it’s best not to confide too much to her sister cos if your ex is also doing the same it might backfire one day, or someday for some reason she might confess to her sister that you’ve been talking to her. Girls do that, unfortunately :( … try and confide in a friend that’s close to you and preferably a mate like Dara, although we’re all online friends I must admit we’ve helped each other lots and from my end, even more than my every day family and friends. So whenever you feel like you need to talk come on this site at least you can trust that no one will hurt you with your secrets. For now, concentrate on yourself, do new activities, go on a small get away and don’t fuss over what she’s been doing and don’t worry about pics. Go out yourself, socialize more and try a few dates they may not mean much to you but these dates might give you a different perspective about yourself and what you want in life, what your expectations are for a healthy relationship vs a fling…etc… From what I’ve come to know on this site, you’re a great guy and have much to give so relax and let things flow. Good luck Champ!

  • julia July 14, 2014, 5:19 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    Like I told you previously my ex is seeing someone else only after 2 months we broke up. The problem is that now there is no source where I can find out if this could turn out into a relationship. There is no contact at all. Which means I don’t ask mutual friends.

    I have already told you that I plan to keep NC for at least 2 months. But how can I keep going after that if I don’t know the progress of this rebound relationship. Plus if I see him at the airport in 3 days, does this mean I will have to begin my NC from the beginning?


    • Edward July 15, 2014, 1:29 am


      The advice Kevin has given me is that you don’t know. He said, “yes, there is a chance that it may happen and you have to be ok with the fact that you may lose her” When I thought that the rebound relationship between my ex and the new guy can lead to a real relationship it was painful.

      NC is for you to find happiness without your ex, and when you do find it you will realize something. Julia, I was with my ex for 3 years and I saw her holding hands with someone 2 weeks after we broke up. We don’t really want a relationship where our ex’s jump from one ship to another. Take this time to really make a positive change, prove to yourself that you dont need him to be happy. That you dont always have to think about him, it should be your decision to get back with him or not. Do you really want someone who will leave you whenever? You dont deserve to feel miserable, you deserve to feel better. Time will heal, take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else.

      • julia July 15, 2014, 3:01 am

        Thank you Edward,

        I really appreciate your answer. I so understand what you’re saying and I know it is the right thing to do. But it is unbelievably hard to let go when you have strong feelings for that person. And you know that this person also shared the same feelings if not more strong. Yes I will have to focus on myself and how I can be happy without him. But I cannot stop hoping for this relationship when I know it’s totally worth it.


    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 10:45 am

      If you don’t make any mistakes when you see him, you don’t have to start NC all over again. And when NC is over, you should contact him regardless of his rebound situation. It doesn’t matter if he has broken up or not, hearing from you will still have it’s effect.

  • Jayme July 14, 2014, 4:24 pm


    Just wanted to add a quick update here. I had stated before that I had been hanging out with my ex and that we were going on a “little night trip.” I did not end up asking her out. Instead, I asked about the other guy that I am almost postive she has been hanging out with. Social media doesn’t lie. She denied it, of course & said she wouldn’t hurt me like that. I’m confused as to where I should go from here. I really like her, but don’t want to start a relationship off on a lie (if she is & she stated they are friends, but they don’t hang out) I was with her all weekend and did go go a family event of hers. People asked her if we were dating and she stated “I don’t know” What do you or does anyone else think. I text her last night stating that I was glad we talked about it and she replied “feel free to ask vs worrying and thinking the worst.” Should I trust the girl that hurt me once (6 years ago) people do change don’t they. We’ve hung out for 3 months and feels like were friends that kiss (and thats it)…something has to be holding her back? or am I over thinking this. Thanks for your help again, always much appreciated!

    • Edward July 15, 2014, 1:38 am


      A relationship takes trust and risk. You risk getting hurt and you have to trust her for the relationship to be strong. She must do the same. I would suggest taking it slow and see what happens, don’t expect much. Use your time with her to have fun and show her that you love her. Time will take care of things and everything will fall in place and you will see whether she’s the one or not. By spending more time with her, you’ll have the opportunities to attract her, and this will make her less likely to cheat or leave you.

    • Kevin July 17, 2014, 10:41 am

      Hey Jayme,

      Like Edwards said, if you want a relationship with her, you will have to take the risk. And it’s better to trust her instead of over-thinking it. Again, it’s your decision. And if you think you can’t trust her (because of what happened in the past or whatever proof you are seeing in her social media), then you are better off not pursuing her and move on. You can try to talk to her and tell her what you think (about you not trusting her and her lying), but at this stage, it’s probably going to blowback and you might hurt your chances of getting back together.

  • Ron July 14, 2014, 2:11 pm

    So I’m 41 and she’s 39. Both of us had been alone for 2 years after both of our significant others cheated on us before we re-met (I chased her in my teens and early 20’s). Our relationship only lasted 4 months, and in that time I ended it twice.

    The first time was due to her convincing me to cancel plans we had with a dear friend of mine so we could spend time with dear friends of hers, and instead of “us” doing it, she chose to do it without me, but all the while leading me on as if we would catch up sometime throughout the night and excuse after excuse on why that didn’t happen at each of their stops (dinner, movie, cocktails).

    The last time was due to her drifting. She was starting a new business, and we went from 4 to 5 times a week with each other to maybe one if we were lucky. The drift caused me to over think all the reasons that it could be happening. Her status on FB still saying single, all of her friends are hers and her ex’s and she didn’t want them to know about me. I hadn’t met a single one of her friends in the 4 months yet she hung out with me and mine often. Our communication slowly drifted from hours a day of texting and talking, to a few short sentences a day.

    I gave an ultimatum that she find at least 1 more night a week that we could spend with each other, even if just for a few hours, a dinner, a movie, or just face to face talking. She said she couldn’t deviate from her business plan. So it ended.

    That week she called me 4 days later. She was kind, and she informed me that she would make the event we had scheduled before all of this 2 days later. When I saw her, she was wearing makeup (I’d never seen her wear makeup before), and looking amazing. I was so afraid that I was going to say the wrong thing, I found myself quite inebriated. This was a mistake, I wanted answers even more, so I asked a question, and she blew up at me saying “Not right time, not right place”. I didn’t understand, it was a simple question. She leans to one of my friends, says she’s tired and is going home to bed and leaves.

    I bombed her phone, 24 times, she finally answered, and I heard club music in the background. Wait, makeup, all her FB friends are hers and her ex’s, she doesn’t want them to know about me, I’ve never met any, and her FB status always said single “so they won’t ask any questions”. I lost it, I said some horrible things on voicemail, I wrote horrible things in FB chat.

    The next day I received all of my things from her (she gave them to my sister), and a text… “I want you out of my life”. I didn’t text again until I heard her brother had their baby 12 days later. I tried to track them down but couldn’t so I sent her a text of congratulations. She replied with a “thank you, but we also lost a close family friend the same day”. I gave my condolences and left it simple. I sent 3 dozen roses and a card that read… “1 is for your pain… 1 is for your joy… and the rest are to thank you” and signed the card with an endearing phrase I used to tell her. She texted that night “Thank you for the flowers, they are lovely”. 2 days later I asked “Would you be receptive to dinner”, she replied “When did you have in mind?”. I gave 2 days that week and she stated the week was busy for her, I gave a day the following week with no response again. 4 days later I texted hoping she was ok, and that I hadn’t heard anything about dinner, no response… The next day I lost it a bit, and texted “If you’re trying to mess with my head by blocking me on FB and not responding, you’ve succeeded.” I got a text back stating that she had no desire to ever rekindle anything with me, that I should stop pushing my wants on her and the only thing she wants from me is peace.

    Well, I initiated NC, on the 30th day, I texted the romantic movie text with no response… 3 days later I texted a beautiful memory text with no response. Yesterday I ran into an issue with my kids and they mentioned her, so I texted (from a different number, because I’m thinking maybe I’ve been blocked on her phone as well) asking if she had any contact with my kids since the breakup, she did respond (very much to the point) “No I have not had any contact with your children”. My reply; “Thank you for your response. Hope you’re doing well. Take care.”. That was the end of it.

    Now I’ve no clue what to do… Yes she responded to that, but she seems indifferent, and the RR letter is so final.

    • a.z July 14, 2014, 4:39 pm

      hey ron,
      I think you should follow the plan. you have sent her the something reminded me of you text and other texts the wrong time.and if you have read kevin’s article and RR.so you already know what to do.i think you need to go on NC for 2 months.
      check for kevin’s respond i’m sure it will help you more.
      Good luck

    • Dara July 15, 2014, 4:24 pm

      Hey Ron,

      Your breakup story is somewhat like mine! She also told me, “get out of my life”. She also blocked me on Facebook but I still see her on Skype and Linked-In. Probably my phone is not blocked.

      It was about 80 days ago! I’ve seen her randomly here and there. In the first month, she seemed grumpy. So except the letter and a text I made no attempts. I’ve seen her lately. Apparently, she tried to have eye contacts with me. See how the trend changes along the NC! For those who have been at “Death Door”, like you and I, it recommended to do NCs for 2 to 3 months! Even more!

      It looks hard in the beginning. It looks even more hopeless around 30th day when you don’t obtain anything but I promise you that it will gradually look less intense and more hopeful!!

      Good luck!

    • Ron July 18, 2014, 4:00 am

      Thank you both for you comments. Yes Dara, I’ve read your posts over the past month or so that Kevin was out. They seemed similar. As well as bits and pieces from others here.

      I’m not sure the NC for 2-3 months will be as big a problem as it might have been the day I posted that. I went to a dark place, totally abusing alcohol, and ended up being arrested.

      With a professional career (realtor) down the tubes more than likely and my children/family refusing to talk to me… Right now, although I wish I had her support, she’s the least of my concerns. Certainly a blessing in no means of the word, but something that can easily keep me distracted for some time to come.

      The NC is meant to be a time to heal, I’m afraid I took it in the opposite direction.

      Very best of luck to you all.

      • Dara July 18, 2014, 8:21 am

        Thank you very much Ron!

        In fact, I also had/have this alcohol problem. However, I haven’t over-drunk myself after the breakup but I drank in places where I wasn’t supposed to. They say alcohol is not the solution but I believe in my case it helped me laugh (and have fun) in more serious places.

        I also wish the best for you!

  • Anon July 14, 2014, 2:03 pm

    Hi guys, here is what happened in the past couple of days.
    We started talking on WhatsApp . I had unfriended her on Facebook.
    We talked little the first day, she texted a lot the second day, she was sending me funny pics, I was doing the same, sbe even said she missed me. I had some work 3rd day I replied quite late.
    She became very cold now, replied with okay and hmmm.
    I tried talking 3-4 times but she was showing no iinterest.
    Now she has her DP saying that if you like someone tell them maybe they like you too and status as if someone dosen’t chase you keep walking. I am not even sure if the sign is for me. She was talking a lot to a friend of mine lately whom I rarely speak to, they both had the same dp at many instances. This is so confusing. She said she missed me so I feel its for me.
    How should I proceed ?
    One more thing, during break up we had some talk she asked for a gift which is given in our country at a festival I got it for her, she doesn’t know, should I send her a picture of it ?

    • a.z July 14, 2014, 4:12 pm

      I think you shouldn’t send a picture of the gift right now.she is acting cold and you need to wait for her to contact you. i think you should have a normal,interesting conversation with her for a couple of times without showing any sign of interest in getting back together then you can send the picture using one of the texts version.

  • Dara July 14, 2014, 12:59 pm

    Dear a.z., Edward, Daniel, Festive David, Steve, Rihanna and Kevin,

    Just a random post:

    Last night my roommate said, “Can I ask you what is this site that I see on your computer screen all the time?” LOL. I explained him that I have learnt about NC here and that I am still learning more on breakups and reasons behind it.

    I also want to thank you guys for being here (especially Kevin). In real life, I am a good listener. I pay attention to details and elongate the conversation so that they are empty with words. So, I have some friends who usually spend hours chatting with me. Unfortunately, I could not find a listener before and after my breakup. If I talked about my feelings, their response would be “Don’t think about it”, “I’m sorry”, “Forget it”, etc., if they spoke anything.

    Moreover, their recommendations were deadlier than my “lame” instincts!!! Kevin can add a section, “funniest deadly mistakes” to his potential forum. I bet I’ll compete there! A (depressed) girl friend once suggested me to call her as many times as I can so that she pick up the phone and I followed her! Damn me!!! I called her about 30 times from Friday to Sunday(night)! For weeks, she kept mentioning that she has never seen anyone this creepy and I had to lie on why did I do so! Anyway, what’s done is done. I shouldn’t call anyone 30 times anymore! ha ha ha…

    Its been my 80th day. I believe there was a hidden anger with me these days because I feel more relax than ever. Also, I have started feeling smooth affection towards my ex. I saw her picture this morning on Facebook in a friends wedding. It looks like the girl who used to criticize me on gaining weight has gained a lot of weight lately but I loved her face. Ironically, I have shed about 20 kgs (45 lbs) and no one can say I am out of shape! In the picture, she also had high heels on for the first time!! I wished she was a bit taller when she walked with me!

    I saw her boss on Saturday. She knew about the breakup. She told me that my ex doing her best to graduate by the end of July which was not our plan! Our plan was December or next May!! This means she will probably go to some other town for job after graduation. It means reconciliation is meaningless! Damn it!! However, I believe congratulating her on around 100th day would be the best reason to initiate contact!

    Also, 100th day of NC marks the anniversary of our first date! Our first sex was in a park! I believe a cop saw us! ha ha ha… Next we “fondled”, in a cinema in front of her friends! When I said one of her friends is starring at us, she said, “don’t care about him. He’s probably a gay!” I think I should send her a remember-those-good-days text on these topics. Her reply would be, “See, I’ve already told you, you have mental problems. You only think about sex”. ha ha ha…

    Sorry guys, I think this temperature change, smell of the environment, mid-summer rains, etc. has redirected my mind to the beginning of our relationship, the honeymoon stage and I don’t imagine her as a really bad person since last 2-3 days.

    I feel happy and good! I wish the same for you guys!

    • a.z July 14, 2014, 2:24 pm

      Dear Dara,
      i’m so glad to hear that you are happy.i do believe that you have bee doing a great job during NC. don’t worry about her graduation you can’t be sure if she is leaving for now.use the texts to start the conversation and then randomly say that you have heard that she is graduating and congratulate her.i think the text shouldn’t be related to sex or something like that. atleast you shouldn’t be mentioning it directly.
      yeah i know how the smell of the environment feels like.i’m having the same feeling these days but its ok i think its not painful for us anymore.am i right?
      i think she will respond to your text this time.you have been really really great.once you can start contacting each other again,then you can understand her future plans and whether you want to get back with her or not.
      i wish you all the happiness in the world and best of luck buddy xoxo

      • Dara July 14, 2014, 4:23 pm

        Thanks a.z.! I was joking about the sex message. I won’t do that. I have waited about 80 days, 20 more days is no issues. Plus, apparently she has been working 24×7 on her thesis. If I text her it may stress her up. I prefer contacting her when she is happy and accomplished.

        I believe psychologically I have an advantage now! She has dumped someone who looks better than her! She has dumped someone who is admired by many for his accomplishments in life. I look happy and unaffected! She does a lot of make up recently to disguise something!

        a.z., you are a dentist and you know that loneliest times are before exams or presentations even if you have someone with you. I want her to feel that loneliness.

        Plus, I won’t regret at all if she has already moved on, at least in long term. I have come to the confidence that I can catch much bigger fishes! For now, I am enjoying chasing girls! I enjoy flirting with girls around! I enjoy making open comments on girls around just like a single free guys!

        Thank you a.z.! I also wish all the best for you! Your comments are priceless!

        • a.z July 14, 2014, 5:07 pm

          you’re welcome xxx
          you have made the best decision.you are definitely right and you are doing amazing.i love your attitude and i’m really thinking to do what you are doing in my life.i’m 100% sure that you are gonna be fine.
          tbh i texted the hot guy LOL. today is the third day that we are texting and its crazy i really feel something for him.we went out twice and we had a great time.i even reread his texts and it makes me feel good.i still think about my ex but i don’t let myself to think about every details and that what will happen in the future.i’m working on myself and i’m reading NVC.i will change for good and if he won’t get back,then its ok.
          what about you? did you ask the lifeguard girl out?

          • Dara July 14, 2014, 9:50 pm


            I truly understand you. You think like my sister. She is truly brutal towards her boyfriends! Yet she has the best ones begging for her!

            I am glad that you are doing something good for yourself. I would doubt if you didn’t! ha ha ha…

            I am still undecided! I flirt with a lot of girls lately! I liked the girl in gym the most! Although she said she has a boyfriend but I feel that she likes me! To be more optimist, I think she wished she was single!

            The safeguard girl, got shocked when she saw student ID picture the last time! I have white hairs and look like George Clooney in that picture but in reality I am much younger that him (just 31). So I color it black! This is what my ex wanted me, and I think its quiet logical because I truly look old (but sexy, I know)!

            a.z., don’t make me talk about narcissist feelings lately!My body has got curves since I reduced weight! Whenever, I see myself in the mirror, I ask myself, “is this sexy guy me??”

            Anyway, that was too much! I know you still love your ex! He also loves you! Don’t play it rough on him! Your ex truly loves you! As Kevin said, I don’t know why he doesn’t ask you for re-unification! There should be something in his mind that he is thinking about! Yet, who cares, enjoy your life!

            a.z., I just want to add some narcissist sentences, my ex loved the way my eyes and my eyelashes looked liked and she would spend hours on kissing my eyes in first months of our relationship! She would say, its every girls dream to have eyes like you! ha ha ha…

            Thank you a.z.! I will be glad to hear more from you! I truly love your comments!

          • a.z July 14, 2014, 10:24 pm

            thank you dara,i really feel the same,
            actually i like your narcissist feelings and from what you described, i do believe you look really sexy now. and if i were your ex,i would really hate losing you.
            if you think that girl shows interest so try to get closer to her.i don’t think if that’s a wrong thing.you can go out as friends.if she is not in a serious relationship, she will make you understand.
            and about me, yeah he probably has something in his mind that he is not discussing with me but i’m done discovering any more thing about him. he said his issues is about my behavior so i’m changing it and i don’t want to think about anything else,atleast for now.
            btw i’m really happy that you have gained your confidence back.
            you are doing a great job,keep it up :)

          • Dara July 14, 2014, 11:13 pm

            Thank you so much a.z.!

            I already know that you are doing great! You have control of everything! Your ex is truly in love with you! But he is frustrated of talking about his real feelings! That’s a guy matter! I truly feel sorry for him! His stuck somewhere! I can understand him!

            For now, enjoy you being single! As Kevin says, you have all rights in the world to do anything you want! But don’t forget, your guy is your true lover (I know you do)! Time will approve/dismiss it!

            I am truly glad for you and I will be highly glad to hear more from you! here!! Best wishes, a.z.!

    • Steve July 14, 2014, 3:41 pm

      Hey there Dara

      Thanks for sharing, had to laugh about the calling 30 times over a weekend. Yeah I can see why that would be taken the wrong way and come across as creepy :P You sound like an awesome guy with a very genuine heart, so I’m sure that incident wouldn’t of been taken wrongly.

      Wow 80 days of N.C. Good on you. I agree with a.z that the texts you send her shouldn’t be about sex or any physical intimate things that you did as a couple. Supporting her goals is a recommendation of Relationship rewind or something funny that reminds you of her.

      Stay happy man :)

      • Dara July 14, 2014, 4:46 pm

        Hey Steve!

        Thanks a lot! Believe me I couldn’t stop laughing when I recollected that I called her 30 times over that weekend! I can’t imagine it! When I think of past, I truly acted creepy on several occasion! ha ha ha…

        Believe me, when NC becomes long enough, you naturally move on. The fact is that, I asked her boss to update me on her graduation. There are chances that they talk to each other. If I rush in contacting her, if will look needy. Moreover, I am not needy anymore. I think I am okay even if I see her gone for good! Probably I will get upset for a day or two but not more than that.

        Hey Steve, I truly hope and believe that you’ll get your girl back. Her family is with you! That’s the biggest advantage you have! I’m looking forward to see that day!

        • Steve July 14, 2014, 5:48 pm

          Sadly it is the only advantage I have at the moment and it doesn’t feel like much. As you know I gave my Ex a letter after 30 days no contact and I heard nothing back. I then sent her a text a week later on 4th July, as I knew she had finished a massive work project, wishing a happy 4th and giving her congrats regarding work. I heard nothing back from that.

          I know she got them because a mutual friend of ours told me over the weekend that she had commented to a group of friends about it. When I asked what her reaction to the letter was? He just shrugged his shoulders and said “She appeared neutral about it”

          I don’t know, right now I just feel like I have no cards left to play and have no idea what I should do. I actually went on a lunch date yesterday with a girl I meet online. I signed up to a dating website a couple of weeks ago, but the date was just so flat and I felt very half hearted about it, I don’t think I’m ready to start dating other girls at the moment.

          So yeah in a bit of a funk at the moment, I come here to the website every day and love reading everyone comments and thoughts. It has been very encouraging even if I not contributing with comments myself

          • Dara July 14, 2014, 9:06 pm

            You are doing good for your sake! I appreciate your step in dating a girl. I know what it feels when dating a girl you are not in love with. You wish it was her. Every time she (the date girl) take a step closer, you ask yourself, “why not my ex!!”. You wish you could cry it loud. This happens in first few dates! Later you start flirting back. By the time, you feel your soul is free and you can think freely! I promise you, its 100% ethical.

            I believe to girls and we guys as well, our family support matters. I can’t imagine marrying a girl my mother dislikes. Same is with your girl. Her family’s recommendation is probably 50% of the endorsement.

            Steve, if you consider yourself at “Death Door”, you are recommended at least 2-3 months of NC, even more! So don’t take it hard on yourself. As time goes on, you realized that you have forgiven her (if there was any argument, just like mine) and you find it irrational you two adults broke up!

            I am still looking forward to hear that you ex is back because I BELIEVE!

    • Daniel July 14, 2014, 6:32 pm

      I wish you the best. Im so happy for you. Ideally i should say get your ex back. But after hearing all your stories. I think you’re better off without her. Like you have surpassed her. Anyway , whatever you do i think you can handle it good. I wish you the best!

      • Dara July 14, 2014, 9:20 pm


        Did I ever tell you that my younger brother’s name is Daniel? Whenever I read you comments, I feel its my brother who is in pain! I love to see you in good shape, Daniel!

        I feel that I am practically over her though there are parts of me still crying for her! She was a girl of emotions! When we were in good terms, she would beg me to sleep with her at nights! I never had this emotional girlfriend! I mean I had girlfriends who were in love with poetry, who would call me to sing for me at night, but this one was unique of her kind.

        Yet, as I mentioned somewhere she was really mistreated by her ex-boyfriend. That mistreatment has made her heart like stone! Have you ever read the book Great Expectations by Charles Dickens?? If yes, Miss Havisham was a capricious woman who but she wasn’t that bad originally! Circumstances had made her rude! I feel that my poor ex had undergone really tough life with her ex-boyfriends that has made her rough! However, I shouldn’t pay for it!

        Daniel, I will be reading you post/comments and will be highly glad to respond you! I still feel like you are my younger brother!!

        • a.z July 14, 2014, 9:30 pm

          Dara i replied to your comment above i think you’v missed it :D
          you’re welcome xxx
          you have made the best decision.you are definitely right and you are doing amazing.i love your attitude and i’m really thinking to do what you are doing in my life.i’m 100% sure that you are gonna be fine.
          tbh i texted the hot guy LOL. today is the third day that we are texting and its crazy i really feel something for him.we went out twice and we had a great time.i even reread his texts and it makes me feel good.i still think about my ex but i don’t let myself to think about every details and that what will happen in the future.i’m working on myself and i’m reading NVC.i will change for good and if he won’t get back,then its ok.
          what about you? did you ask the lifeguard girl out?

          • Dara July 14, 2014, 9:53 pm

            I replied there! Sorry, I just wanted to reply Daniel’s and Steve’s first because I believe they are in more pain than you are! Sorry!!

            My bro, its your space here! I will be glad to hear from you!

    • Rihanna July 16, 2014, 6:55 am

      Hey Dara,

      Thank you for sharing your post I actually chucked few giggles here and there especially when you suggested kevin’s new forum should have ‘funniest deadly mistakes’ haha… callinng 30 times in a few days is definitely deadly but funny too… I’m glad you came on this site and learnt better, as we ALL have. I’ve done the same OOPS but not 30 times maybe just over 50 lol…

      I’m glad that you’re happy and seeing your ex in a different light. Things are becoming clearer in your mind so there’s no doubt that NC has worked for you, as it has for all of us. But what caught my attention as well, was your ex telling you ‘you’re mental you always have sex on your mind’ I used to say that to my ex too hahaha… Good luck on your first text, sounds like a great idea to mark your anniversary and Congratulations for lasting 100 days! Well done :)

      All the best and keep us posted

      • Dara July 16, 2014, 10:34 am

        Hey Rihanna,

        Yeah! I can’t believe what I had become! That’s not usual me! The calling thing is also funny for me! I still laugh at it! It’s also sad, because it shows that the other side does not care about it. We had no fights in that week.

        Yeah! The sex thing is also a cliche from many women! When they repeat it, it gets annoying! It wasn’t the first time I was hearing it from a girl though! I bet she thinks about sex more than me! ha ha ha…

        Oh! I just sent her a letter mentioned for the Death Door guys! Her graduation was a good reason to catch her up!

        Thank you so much Rihanna! I also wish the best for you!

        • Rihanna July 17, 2014, 3:00 am

          :D keep us posted on how she’ll respond to your letter… hahahaha @ ‘she has sex on her mind probably more than you’ lol you’re probably right. All the best and thank you for always responding to everyone’s posts, you’re a gem xx

          • Dara July 17, 2014, 1:20 pm


            Thank you very much! No response yet! I’m sure that she’s read it by now! Anyway, I don’t really care about it. I am 100% sure that I can find girls who are much better than her. Truly, I don’t feel bad!

            I think Kevin has realized that we reply posts here. I see a lot of posts that are fresh and not replied!

            I’m glad that you are here! Thanks a lot!

  • Giulia July 14, 2014, 11:33 am

    Hi Kevin
    I’ve already sent a comment, but couldn’t find a reply so I will leave one again.
    (I’m italian, so if there are any mistakes I apologize ).
    I’m 22 like my ex who decided after 4 years to break up. It’s been two weeks now and I’m still very desperate about it. The break up wasn’t bad,I mean we didn’t argue at all,I was crying really bad and he had tears in his eyes (I never see him like this except one time when he was talking about his father who died some months before he met me).
    I know that he never cheated at all because he is really not that kind of person, not problem from that point.
    The reason of the break up ,as he said, was that he really cares about me but he didn’t feel the same as before right now,that he wasn’t happy and if he wasn’t happy he couldn’t make me happy. I admit that we had problems recently, we were really stressed between work and college but nothing too alarming …at least form my point of view,I guess I just didn’t see it coming…it was a shock.
    I still have deep feelings for him, but I’m afraid he thinks that I’ve become too needy and he wants me to not live like he is the centre of the univers.
    The problem is that we have all our friends in common and we used to hang out on friday night together and few times during the working days,recently we rarely spent time alone like a couple and that was what I asked him for.
    So we argue one night because we haven’t had sex in like almost a month ( he was always too tired after work,and he works on saturdays night too) and that’s when everything went downhill …after one week he broke up with me.
    I’ve read the blog and I must say I’m more confident about the winning him back but there are something that make me anxious:
    -he is very stubborn
    -he doesn’t talk about his feeling much
    -he was never the type to stay on facebook too much so I don’t rely on that
    I’m afraid that even if he’ll think about a rejoin with me,he might hesitate…I don’t know I’m really scared and confused. (After the break up I didn’t sent tons of desperate message or calls, he didn’t block me or changed his number).
    I decided to start the no contact three days ago because we met at a party for the birthday of our friend ( we actually talked of general things that we both like and we laughed and all…the evening was pleasant ).
    The friday after I asked if we could still hang out ,not alone,but with everyone, but he actually called me saying that we should wait more for that.
    I don’t know what else to say if you need more info just let me know…I just need to know if there is hope for me,I really think we could build a new kind of relationship if we could just talk about it because we dated when we were 17/18 and we are different now…I just…I don’t know I really want this to work…Can you help me ? what do you think about what I told you?

    thanks for listening,

  • Ivan July 14, 2014, 11:14 am


    I just started reading your article and I’m starting to follow your advice. Currently I’m one week-in theNo Contact. I fear something though. My ex and I broke up little less then a Month ago. I broke up with her because she basically drove me to that point I could see she wasn’t interested in our relathionship anymore and she told me this in person too. I wasn’t completely over her and I suggested we give it sometime and change something’s to see if things work out. This lasted about a week I saw that she put no effort and that’s when I broke up with her. She seemed fine with it. I was angry and told her off before I left. Three days later I contacted her just to tell her that I didn’t mean those things and I wanted to end on good terms ( this is what I fear I shouldn’t have done). She agreed to meet me. We talked and things went to well, maybe a little to well that we ended the day by hooking up. I could she she was getting some feelings for me again but she was fighting them. That night after the hook up, we agreed to stay broken up. I never asked her to take me back though but I did tell her I wasn’t completely over her. Becuase of this incident, we later tried to make things work out two more times as friends who are talking. Once her idea and once mine. Things didn’t and well and she ended up going back to that same uninterested person she was after we broke up. The last things she told me was that she was tired of making things work out between us, that she didn’t want a relationship NOW but maybe in the long run and needs her space, that she had grown tired of me, and that she still cared about me but didn’t have the same feelings. She just wanted to be single. Although I didn’t like the idea, I agreed to go away and giver her the space she needs. All this happened in about 3 1/2 weeks. During this time I always tried to make her realize that we maybe doing a big mistake and we should continue trying, but never did I beg her on my hands and knees to take me back. I fear i messed up my chances with her becuase I didn’t follow the no contact rule right after the break up and now I may loose her. I have also found out that there’s also another, guy who she has some history with, that is trying to win her over and from the looks of it she seems a little interested. The last time I saw her I asked her if she is was talking to anyone, she said ” No, I just have friends”. So these are the two things bothering me right now. You said not to tell your ex that your doing the no contact rule on her and I in a way told her I was. Secondly, there is another guy in the picture. What are my chances of getting her back? I know I still want her back. What should I do?

  • RD July 14, 2014, 10:03 am

    Hello,so now i’m in a trip abroad.My ex has contacted me the day before i left to tell me to have a nice trip.When we met some days before i left,he told me that he wants to be with me,we kissed but i told him i needed some more time,and see him make an effort.He did call me twice and asked me if i could go outside my house at 3 am to see me,but i told him i can’t because i was afraid if my dad saw me.(i’m 17).He was a littled bit dissapointed but he knows my position,we got in a little fight because he sais that i don’t risk enough,but i told him this is just who i am.After that day he didn’t seem to make an effort to chat me or call me.He wished me a nice trip and it’s been 4 days with no contact.Then i took a photo with a soldier here where i’m in holidays and put it as a profile on fb.I chatted him but he was responding really kind of pissed and short,so we ended the convo.After 2 days i removed my profile with the soldier and i contacted him again,he told me his news and asked for mine,but he had to go so he said we would talk later.I won’t contact him again if he doesn’t contact me.

    Here’s our last facebook chat,tell me what you think:
    -(ME):Although it doesn’t seem like you miss me,hey
    -:Hey RD :)
    -How are youu?
    -I’m fine..i’m home..what about you?
    -I just came to the hotel.You should be proud of all the walking i do everyday here :P
    -Iam,I am! :)
    -I went to see my future university,i loved it so much! (btw my ex is 19)
    -I’m so happy that you liked it
    -Tell me your news
    (he told me his news)
    -I was ready to leave before you chatted me
    -Oh okay,chat me when you can
    -Yes,one other time,tell me your news!
    -Didn’t you tell me that you were ready to leave?
    -Oh yes,then we will talk one other time
    -I chatted you because we don’t talk much now that i’m here
    -It’s okay,i will log in facebook later too
    -Okay,chat me when you can
    And then we said bye….. i think that he wanted to play it relaxed,why else would he ask for my news if he was ready to leave? I think that he made that up.Also he is always adding new girls on fb and liking their pictures (it makes me jealous but i don’t want to say anything because he isn’t my bf yet and i don’t want him to know that he has the power to make me jealous.he also goes clubbing twice a week and takes photos with his brother and his gf and her friends who are 3-4 years older than him).So PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS WHOLE SITUATION AND WHAT I SHOULD DO.ASAP!

    • Edward July 15, 2014, 12:17 am

      Hi RD,

      I think it’s good that you remain your cool and try not to show signs of jealousy because you aren’t with him yet. But in the long run if you keep thinking about what he is doing or finding out what he is up to, it will hurt you. One way to improve your situation is to find somethng you enjoy doing so the next time you meet him, you will feel like you have news to tell him, instead of wondering why he asked that question. Find a hobby you like to do that you enjoy with your friends, create a happy atmosphere around you and I assure you all will go smoothly.

      • RD July 15, 2014, 2:19 am

        Thank you Edward…do you think of this convo that he is interested in me?

        • Edward July 15, 2014, 2:32 am

          Maybe, but try not to start conversations like that, it makes you sound needy. Try to start with something fun you guys did together or suggest something. When you are happy, you won’t be thinking about whether he’s interested or not though so try to work on that.

          • RD July 15, 2014, 11:15 am

            He said he wanted to talk later,but we have been online fb both at the same time and he hasn’t chatted me. Did he just return back to me to see if he has power over me? ( i didn’t tell him i want to be with him,i told him i need time to think and see an effort from his side,but i don’t see him making any effort) I want us to meet when i return to my Country but i don’t want to be the one who initiates contact with him for 3rd time! I think i won’t talk to him until he reaches contact,and if he doesn’t,i will move on,for second time.What do you think? Why would he tell me that he wants to be back with me and that he wants me etc and then not initiating contact?Tell me what to do,please!

  • RD July 14, 2014, 9:51 am

    Hello,so now i’m in a trip abroad.My ex has contacted me the day before i left to tell me to have a nice trip.W

  • Naomi July 14, 2014, 7:39 am


    I am living with my (ex) fiancee for about 1.5 year in the Philippines. We were busy planing our wedding for this comming February.
    Last week he didn’t came home after a night out with friends. The next day he told me he was staying at his friends house.
    But he got a text messages from a girl telling him that she had fun with him.
    I asked him who she was and he told me he reallsy didn’t knew her.

    I didn’t believed him because if you don’t know her than why is she texting you? So I contacted her.
    She told me they had sex.
    I asked him to be honest to me about what happend and he told me that he does not know her and that she is lying.

    I booked my ticket back home, and my flight is in 10 days.
    I actually dont know why I booked it it was a desicion I made without thinking.

    I ignored him last week for a out 3 days.
    After 3 days he told me that he realized that he still wants to be with me and begged me to stay.
    So I did.. really stupid because now that I gave in he doesn’t seem to care any more..

    What can I do so he will still change his mind and let me stay.
    I only have 10 days. And I know once I am gone there is no way back.

    I also know that we will both regret.
    We had a really strong relationship! We grew up together. We know eachother since were baby’s.

    I tells me everyday that he still loves me.. but that he does not want to hurt me. That I dont deserve this.

    I know that what he did was wrong.
    But I love him sooo much! I love my life here in the Philippines.
    A ticket will cost you 1500 dollar. And we both cant afford it to pay my ticket back here.

    Is there anything I can do in these 10 days?

    Thanks :)

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 8:51 am

      Have a heart to heart with him and tell him you are willing to work on the relationship if he’s willing to do so. Tell him you both will need to work on the trust that he has broken and if he doesn’t want to put in the effort, you will leave and that will be the end of the relationship. If his attitude is still the same, leave. If he doesn’t show any remorse or an effort to work things out, your marriage will probably involve him cheating on you numerous times and you forgiving him every time just because you are afraid to leave.

      • Naomi July 16, 2014, 4:38 am

        Yesterday we would be together for 3.5 years. He hugged me and told me he still loves me.
        I told him that I am willing to work on our relationship and to work on trust. I asked him if he was willing too.
        He told me that he still wants to try.
        He was really sweet the whole evening. But then I asked him to just be honest and tell me the truth about what happened with the girl. He got really angry at me. And our whole night was ruined.
        He told me to go back. That he does not want to work things out.

        I know he only said that because he was angry.

        Do you maybe have any tips or tricks I could use to save our relationship?

        Because I cant use the no contact rule since we still live together.

        • Kevin July 17, 2014, 9:32 am

          Hey Naomi,

          OK, I am not an expert on making things work after infidelity. So, I really can’t give you any advice on how to go about it. However, there are a lot of resources online that you can use. One of them is “marriage builders”. Google it. Another one is a forum called talkaboutmarriage. Going to couples counseling will be the best option.

  • maree July 14, 2014, 2:31 am

    Hi All,

    what if your trying to do no contact and he keeps messaging and calling you? but he broke up with you to be with someone else?

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 8:46 am

      Tell him you need some time and space to deal with the breakup.

      • maree July 14, 2014, 7:46 pm

        i already told him that and he stopped for a few days and then he started messaging again i’m just confused as to what he actually wants he broke up with me for another girl yet hes constantly calling and messaging me should i just keep talking to him or cut him off completely?

        • Edward July 15, 2014, 12:24 am

          Hi maree,

          Let him play his mind games, I feel like he just wants your attention. If he really wants to be with you, he will leave her and come talk to you. You should do NC for 30 days and see if he is really the guy you want to be with. It’s best that you ignore him for now so both of you can find out what you guys want.

          • maree July 15, 2014, 2:35 am

            thankyou that helps alot the girl he wants to be with has actually sent me fb messages saying shes not interested in him at all and saying all this bad stuff about him would it be too nasty to show him?

          • Edward July 15, 2014, 3:01 am

            Let them deal with their problems, you shouldn’t do anything that will make you seem insecure. Use this time for yourself, don’t worry about him.

  • Ruth July 14, 2014, 2:00 am

    After we broke up, I did almost a month of no contact, then we resumed contact as friends (though I secretly hoped we might get back together) and even met up once, but I got fed up with being the one to initiate communication most of the time, etc… so I told him about 1.5 weeks ago that I cannot be friends with him right now because I still have feelings for him. I made it sound like we might never communicate again, though I did mean it because I wasn’t sure if I was just going to try to move on for good or not. Well, right now, really miss him in my life (even as a friend). I figure I will contact him again in the future, but I want to get over him first. Being “friends” with him was preventing me from moving on and I didn’t like that I would check up on his social media sites, make assumptions about him not wanting to talk to me based on my own perceptions of things (which sometimes turned out to be wrong), etc… so I decided to cut contact so I could heal. How long do you think I should maintain NC for? He broke up with me 3 months ago now.

    • Ruth July 14, 2014, 2:01 am

      p.s. Also, when resuming contact, I guess I should just send him a text using the method above again?

      • Rihanna July 14, 2014, 6:25 am

        Ruth, I don’t understand the purpose behind you telling him you can’t be ‘friends’ unless you really want to move on. Otherwise, why cut a friendship that was going to be a ‘false friendship’ anyway? And now you want to do the whole process again to reach a point back to where you’re at now. You did NC and everything was working out it seems because he did meet up with you face to face and yet you’re the one who told him you can’t anymore. Now you want to do NC again and do the same process again of texting then meeting up which what you had with him. I think you need NC for yourself, and during this time ask yourself this question: ‘What do I want out of life?’ If he’s in the picture then try again and don’t ruin the false friendship with him but if you could see your life without him in it then move on.

        • Ruth July 14, 2014, 7:06 pm

          Because “false friendship” hurts and can keep you glued to the same painful heartache-y spot, rather than move forward for real. I am doing my regular life things including hanging out with friends, doing my sports activities, working out, etc. so on the surface, it looks like I am doing very well. Generally, I am.. but I got tired of missing him so much, and tired of having those backwards steps when I would check his social media sites and make assumptions and make myself upset, or when I would get upset about how he rarely initiates contact even though we were trying to be “friends”. I decided for my peace of mind, I cannot be friends when I feel this way, and when I am not content with the kind of friendship he is offering me. I want to move on and not feel so attached to the outcome of either getting back together or an intimate friendship my way. I feel like only then can I resume contact with him again and not make myself crazy and upset. I would see how it goes, and determine at that time whether getting back together is an option at all (or if I even want to by that point).

          Just wondering also what Kevin thinks? (the problem when we all reply to each other – even though very kind and also helpful – I notice that Kevin skips over these messages that others have already replied to)

          • Rihanna July 14, 2014, 10:08 pm

            Sorry Ruth for interfering oops! But I find that he skips comments as he has with my previous comments too unless you write “Dear Kevin” Try that and see cos that works ;)

            Also, if you find yourself checking his social media eg facebook, don’t block him or unfriend him cos that would be weird since you’re friends in real life but put him as an acquaintance or ‘restricted’ and this way you won’t see his statuses as much but maintain your frienship with him. Anyway, that’s just my opinion. But I suggest you address your post to Kevin by writing ‘Dear Kevin’. Good luck :)

          • Kevin July 17, 2014, 11:35 am

            Haha. Don’t give the secret away. On a serious note, I’ll have to skip a lot of comments if I want to get a forum started here. I wish I could answer them all. But I am just one tiny man with only two hands. :(

          • Edward July 15, 2014, 12:35 am

            Hi Ruth,

            I was in your position not too long ago. My ex didn’t initiate enough, I felt that we couldn’t be friends because of the feelings I had for her. She started to drift away, then I’ve decided to write it in the letter and gave it to her.

            If you miss him too much like I did for my ex, give him a call to see how everything is. It’s great to hear from each other once in a while. Just tell him that you miss hanging out with him or things you two did before. He will miss it and hopefully open up more to you. If you do this, you must be happy and still miss him. Sometimes love cannot be tied up, you will just have to release it.

          • Kevin July 17, 2014, 10:56 am

            Hey Ruth,

            You are right, I do skip over these messages. But I caught yours somehow. That’s why I am working on a forum. But the technical side of installing a forum on a blog is not as easy as I expected. And with so many comments to moderate and answer, it gets even harder.

            But I digress. You are right about “false friendship”. It does stop you from moving on with your life. In fact, I recommend against being friends with your ex if your intention is to get over the breakup and move on with your life. Getting back together is much harder because you need to find the fine line between moving on with your life, and being in touch with your ex.

            And you definitely did the right thing by choosing your peace of mind over him. It’s a hard decision and many people seem to choose their ex over their peace of mind.

    • Dara July 15, 2014, 5:54 pm


      I understand what you did. You did it for your own good and what you did was a strong move. I believe you decided to move on at some point.

      Just like the previous NC. You will miss him in first few days but those feelings will sooth as time goes on. Keep strong and follow the plan.

      After 30 days, you can catch him up and say that you have no feelings for him anymore and that you still find you can be friends now. I truly don’t see anything bad in it. After all, its hard to believe if someone has really moved on in 30 days, but in 60/90 days he will really sense the fear of losing you for good!

      Good luck!

  • Pat July 14, 2014, 12:57 am

    Hi Kevin I left a long story before this but I’m not sure if it went through or when I can get your opinion. Than you!

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 8:43 am


      The comment was too long. Please post a shorter version of it here.

      • Pat July 14, 2014, 12:48 pm

        Kevin, I bought your system and normally when I end a relationship or other person ends it than that’s it I just move on even if it hurts. I admit that most of my ex boyfriends have come back, but I’ve moved on. But with this man I feel like we didn’t end I know my feelings for him were way beyond what I thought I could feel for someone. I know that I have no problems in meeting men. But I felt like him and I had a connection like no other. I felt an emotional, physical and spiritual connection which I had never felt the spiritual part. He told me only once he loved me and it was not in the beginning or in the heat of the moment, but I really felt he did. I know he did because of the type of man he is he would never say something like that if he didn’t mean it. He is older than I am. We are different but I admired him, and I know he admired who I was. When we were together I felt his commitment to me. Something very personal happened between us in May and he said to me you need to tell your sister because you are not like me that can just put things in a box. He’s been back from tour only about 2 months and a half. I’m just very perplexed, I felt we were good together but something happened while he was gone, and he was different. I know these rumors would not have been an issue if he was behaving the same with me.

      • Pat July 14, 2014, 6:41 pm

        Hi Kevin I sent a shorter version, as much as I could because I felt that it’s the only way to get an idea of what’s going on. It’s not showing up so I’m not sure if you received it. I hope you did because I really need your advice. It’s getting hard not to try to text him, but I’m not doing it. I would feel awful if he doesn’t respond . I’m not a woman who would beg. Which is why I wrote my previous comment so you can get an idea of how I am.

        • Pat July 16, 2014, 11:23 am

          Hi Kevin, I’m sorry to bother I just feel like I’m going out of my mind imagining him with this woman who caused the rumors since I saw him at club with her on Saturday. He didn’t dance with her and at least while I was there he ignored her most of time except when she talked with him. I bought the system and I’ve gone on no contact since a week ago, but it’s getting hard. My mind wonders and I would really like your opinion. Don’t know if I should hold on to hope. Him and I barely said hello. He seemed to be avoiding me and I just danced and talked with my sister and friends. Tried to smile all the time meanwhile I was dying inside and wanted to yell at him and ask him if he left me to be with this woman. Even though deep down I don’t think that’s the case. So please when you can can you please give me your opinion on my long story. Than you!

      • Pat July 14, 2014, 7:30 pm

        My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago. I was not expecting it even though I felt him distant. We are in our 40′s divorced. He went away for two months on an extended tour not a soldier but he’s up there. His job is private. I had no contact from him, but I waited for him. When he got back he seemed distant and on several occasions I tried talking with him, he said it always takes him a while to acclimate back when he’s been gone. Before he left things were great we were spending every minute we could together. There’s a place we go to have fun we were always together and people saw us as a couple. There’s a woman there who I knew liked him but he always said he had never been with her and they were just friends. People at club started gossiping that he was seen there with another woman while I wasn’t there. That same night the other woman who liked him was there she had been spreading rumors about them and I told her he had always said they were just friends she said that he had told her I was delusional for saying he is my boyfriend. When I was walking to the bathroom I saw her text my boyfriend and he was responding so I texted him and asked him if he said I was delusional he said he had never said that but than I asked why he was texting with that woman. He turned off his phone and stop communicating.
        I tried to call and I texted him the next day he replied and said he was busy working and he would talk with me when he got a chance. I waited didn’t hear from him. So I sent him several texts and said please let me know when we can talk, he said that he would talk to me when he got back to our state but not sooner. He never called so I texted him and I said I don’t want an explanation I just want to know if you want to work on our relationship or do you want to be with these woman who will settle for just the crumbs you throw at them. He replied a few hours later and broke up with me on text. He said he had no explanation because he did nothing wrong and that he didn’t want to be involved with me because of the drama even if I didn’t cause it. That our relationship had run it’s course. He told me not to contact him and if I saw him at club to just say hi. Well we texted back and forth I didn’t beg him not to leave but I wanted an explanation and all he was doing was defending himself. As we texted throughout the day he also said he couldn’t be with me because I made stupid decisions. Than at one point he emailed me and said the only reason he was breaking up with me was because he was going to be gone a lot for his job and did not want to deal with me. I couldn’t coexist with his job. I waited for him when he was gone and no contact, so it was not about his job. He knew I’d wait for him. He also told me he wasn’t communicating with the woman who started all the rumors, but I went to the place a week later and he went with his best friend and wife, then later this woman arrived and she would not leave his side. They danced I never saw him touch her or buy her a drink but he danced and talked with her. She was with him all night. His best friend and wife left he stayed behind. At one point I tried talking with him I held his hand and he held mine back but didn’t want to talk he said he had been transferred for his job and we small talked. Than later in night he was by bar and I tried to talk with him but he just kept saying go home. When I left the woman was waiting outside for him because as I drove away I saw him with her so I imagine they left together. I don’t understand this, I know that I pushed him for answers but I was trying to figure out why his behavior since he got back. He’s been back for a little over 2 months. He fits some of the signs of post traumatic stress disorder but it’s just me trying to analyze things. I know I bought into the drama but only because things were questionable. Haven’t contacted him since that day. I said nothing about him going home with her even though my heart was breaking and was my assumption, he saw me see them when I drove by. Please give me some comments and tell me how I can try to handle this. Is there even a remote chance, I truly believe he will see what he lost someday.

        • Kevin July 17, 2014, 9:58 am

          Hey Pat,

          I am sorry you feel the way you do. I think the best way to handle the situation is to do no contact for 1-2 months. You are right, you are over analyzing. It’s completely normal after a breakup. I know you had a lot of hopes from this man and this relationship. But before you can get him back, you have to accept that all that might just be false hope and you might have been wrong about him.

          Whatever the reason he broke up with you, he did choose to breakup. And that fact alone makes this relationship not as perfect as you thought it was.

          I am not saying give up on him. In fact, you should try to get him back. But before doing that, you should do NC for 1-2 months and be absolutely sure that you want him back. If you do, then use the techniques in relationship rewind to contact him.

          • Pat July 17, 2014, 11:52 am

            Thank you! I will try to be strong and not contact him. I know in my heart he will see what he lost because he has never met anyone like me. His best friend even said that he wished I had met my ex 20 years earlier because not only was I beautiful on the outside but I was a beautiful caring woman on the inside, and his friend deserved to be happy. My ex told me the last time before he left that he was so great full to have me in his life. I really fell truly in love with this man which is why I think it’s hard for me to let go. We complemented each other in so many ways, yet we are so different. I know that what we lived together has to be hard for him to just let it go like this. And at club he avoids me but it’s not because he doesn’t want to see me I think it’s because it’s hard for him to see me. Not sure if it’s because he broke up with me upset or because of something else. This woman if he truly wanted her he wouldn’t ignore her when I’m there. It’s just so hard not to feel closure because it came as a shock to me. It’s true that something else was going on, maybe I scared him when he found out I was pregnant and then we lost the baby. That was what happened between us, when he said I should talk to my sister about it because I was not like him that could put things in a box. That night we even talked about what we would of named it and he smiled. Although he had been acting distant before that, so it’s hard to tell unless he would say the truth, if he even understands why he broke up with me. It’s almost like he just wants to pretend like I didn’t exist. Before break up he also seemed frustrated at times with me when we talked just little things bothered him but when we saw each other he was so into me and we’d talk and had a great time no matter what we did. I will just see how things play out, ideally I wish he’d be the one to reach out to me, but I know he has some stubborn in him and he’s also the type of man that makes a decision and I think it’s hard for him to go back. My father told me that when a man really loves a woman he will do anything to try and be with that woman, so I also need to keep that in mind. I know you recommend going out on a date during NC but I’m not really sure how to do that. I just don’t go out a lot and I’m not comfortable joining a dating site. Do you have any suggestions?

  • Anon July 14, 2014, 12:48 am

    Hi, so we started talking after 50 days of my no contact. Yesterday she told me she missed me, we had some talk and I took a nap next day I had some important work I finished it and texted her but this time she was acting differently.
    Can you tell me how can I keep her attracted to me by means of phone ? I have a lot of time before I meet her.

    • a.z July 14, 2014, 1:28 am

      its cool.don’t initiate contact again until she contacts you.its normal if she goes hot and cold.if she is warm,you be warm.if she is cold,you be cold.don’t say anything about getting back or the breakup or any negative memory.just be cool.don’t initiate the conversation all the times.let her chase you some times.keep the conversation short and sweet.use the text msg versions to bring up the good memories .show her that you are busy,happy , you care about your life and goals,and you are having a good time even without her and also show your support and let her know that you care about her goals.don’t be romantic and don’t talk about your true feelings for her.act like friends for now.the more you try to be friends with her,the more she will want you as her boyfriend later.

      • Anon July 14, 2014, 2:06 am

        Thank you guys for replying so fast.
        I have one more thing in mind, during our breakup one day we were having a talk and I asked her if she wanted these gifts for a festival, she said ya I want and I want these ones too. That was just cute toys for children. :p
        But she refused to meet me after that. Its been like 3-4 months since.
        Should I whatsapp her a picture of those toys , would it be okay to do so if I do in a light manner ?

    • Edward July 14, 2014, 1:34 am

      Hi Anon,

      Before you text her, reread your text and see if it sounds happen when you read it. If it is, then most likely she’ll be responding it and keeping the conversation going. Don’t text her everyday either and don’t mention anything about getting back together. Save that for when you do meet her face to face.

    • Edward July 14, 2014, 1:35 am

      Sounds happy*

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 8:37 am

      It’s tough. The best you can do is keep your texts interesting. Don’t send any “empty texts” as described above.

      • Anon July 14, 2014, 9:57 am

        Hi Kevin, she usually replies with hmm and ok now. Yesterday she was very warm.
        Should I initiate contacts ? Also during our breakup we were almost together for few days and I has bought a gift for her which she had asked for but didn’t tell her and I haven’t met her yet. Can I send her a picture of it ?

        • Edward July 15, 2014, 12:39 am


          I don’t know about you but I like my gifts physically rather than virtually. I would hold that gift until you two meet, it brings more chemistry. Keep your surprise a surprise. If she is warm, send her back warm signals, it’s good to hear this (:

  • Maree July 14, 2014, 12:00 am

    Dear Kevin and Community,

    Just been reading everybodys situations and was hoping for some advice my ex bf broke up with me 6 weeks ago he stopped talking to me for a week then just text me saying that he just wanted to be single then he didnt speak to me for two weeks i did all the things that i shouldnt have done with texting and ringing and crying then two weeks later he text me telling me that he never loved me and he only started a relationship with me because he felt sorry for me but we were together for 6mths so im a little confused on how you can stay with someone that long and not have feelings for them which i know he had feelings for me i felt it everytime we were together and when i had to leave he got sad but in this time he had stopped speaking to me he had grown close to his neighbour and i know her quite well as she is family they had already kissed and he told me he wants to be with her but she had messaged me on facebook telling me that the kiss was a huge mistake and she was sorry and that she isnt interested in him at all he came and seen me for the day and told me as he was leaving that he loved me and that i will always have his heart which confused me so much and he tried to kiss me and i pulled away and he left so i started the no contact and he has been texting non stop and i have not answered any messages or phone calls then he text me saying fine dont talk to me then im deleting your number and you out of my life forever and i didnt hear from him for a week and he starts texting and calling again i kept ignoring i met up with him and spent a couple of hours with him and he was saying to me that he still really liked his neighbour and he wanted to be with her it hurt my heart but i stayed strong and just listened and when i dropped him off he kept texting me all the time like he did when we were together i just need some advice on what i should do?

  • Rihanna July 13, 2014, 9:43 pm

    Dear Kevin,

    My ex and I have been on talking terms and been calling each other etc… We spoke on the phone last night for like 3 hours but the conversation from his side sounded weird and wrong that I was hurt by his comments. He said that ‘introducing me to everyone as his partner was a mistake cos it was rushed’; and that he introduced me to his family and close friends as his fiancee was also a mistake cos it was rushed; and that IF IF we get back together again he wants to take things very very slowly cos he’s not in the right place in life financially to be in a relationship and that he’s working towards securing himself before a serious relationship. He’s flying in to visit me in the next few weeks for a couple of days to ‘see whether we can give ‘us’ another go but there are issues we need to sort out and discuss and see if we’re on the same page’… But he doesn’t want to meet my family or friends he just wants to see ‘me’. What does he mean by all that? I’m afraid that he just wants intimacy from me and that would really hurt me bad if he’s thinking that way. What do you think I should say to him to tell him that I want a committed relationship and one that will last forever, like both his sisters are married and in a healthy relationship, and that’s what I would want from him and nothing less. I thought when he took me to his family’s home before the break up he was committing and now I don’t know what his intentions are anymore. Please advice me on what to do and what to say… I’m confused and I don’t ever ever want to be in a relationship with no commitment, he should know that and I know he does. So what are his intentions? Thanks kevin

    • Rihanna July 14, 2014, 12:14 am

      I forgot to say that he said he has ‘trust’ issues with me, I don’t know what he meant by that, it really upsets me. It was like he was fetching for reasons to blame me cos I’ve done NOTHING wrong and he doesn’t want to say that it was just circumstancial which it was. Also, he’s flying here and wants me to organise his accommodation cos he doesn’t know the city well he said, and though he said I’ll pay for it I feel cos he’s done so much to help me in the past I should organise his two night stay, no biggie? Should I call him and ask him all these questions up front? I’m disappointed in him :(

      • Kevin July 14, 2014, 8:18 am

        If he wants to pay for it, let him do it. I don’t think paying for him is going to give you any extra points. And as you mentioned before, he is a little insecure about his financial position right now, so you paying for him might rub off the wrong way.

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 8:13 am

      Hey Rihanna,

      Perhaps he just needs support and maybe he truly wants to discuss things and see if he can be with you. Of course, there’s a chance he might just want to use you. And you have to be strong on that front. Do not sleep with him unless he commits. Kissing and making out is OK. But don’t take things further unless you both are in a committed relationship. And most of all, don’t pressure him into anything. It’s good to know what you want and be clear about what you expect and in which areas you have room for compromise. You will do good Rihanna. I can’t say for sure what his intentions are. But I am pretty sure whatever they are, you are going to handle it like a strong, confident and amazing woman that you are. All the best.

      • Rihanna July 16, 2014, 7:41 am

        Thank you Kevin :)

  • alisa July 13, 2014, 6:58 pm

    I’m wondering if anyone can help me help. My girlfriend and I broke up like 3 months ago. Yes I’m a lesbian was in that relationship for almost 2yrs. I love my ex very much. We hit some rocky times because I was going through a very emotional time learning that I have a mental illness and a few other medical things. My ex was there for every appt even if she waited in car for me. A few things started to slip I guess like how special I could make her feel like buying her flowers etc. I got lost for a bit. Well she ended up going out with friends one night and kissed another girl who is married to a man at the time. I only found out by reading a facebook message from the other woman that she couldn’t wait to kiss her again. I confronted my girl we spent a couple days apart and tired working things out but than she decided to break up with me. But still wanted to be friends and work on that. She told me that maybe down the line we could try again after we got passed the point in me wanting her like a girlfriend. Well now we aren’t even taking. We had cell phones together and she asked for mine back it’s in her name but the service had been cancelled. She said we had a business relationship which was about bills and our friendship. I didn’t respond to her asking for the phone back for a couple days and got a message saying I guess or friendship isn’t working I’m doing what’s best for me and said she no longer wants to talk to me. But I also know that she is already dating or sleeping with the girl she kissed before we broke up.
    I want her back what do I do?

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 7:58 am

      Hey Alisa,

      Follow the plan.

      • alisa July 19, 2014, 12:59 pm

        My ex cut me off at the end of June saying she couldnt be friends anymore. She had to do what was best for her. I told her I just hoped one day she could just forgive and move on and be able to be friends later on.
        Well I haven’t had any contact since 4 th of July when I wished her a happy 4th.
        Well just last night on a Friday night a lil after midnight she sent me a message on facebook which we aren’t even friends anymore. she hopes I’m doing ok and that I’m being true and healthy. Do I respond? I don’t open the message so it’s showing I haven’t read it yet but I can see it on my phone without opening it .. plus do I open it or wait.
        I’m 43 and she’s 36. I talk to get family

      • alisa July 19, 2014, 1:01 pm

        My ex cut me off at the end of June saying she couldnt be friends anymore. She had to do what was best for her. I told her I just hoped one day she could just forgive and move on and be able to be friends later on.
        Well I haven’t had any contact since 4 th of July when I wished her a happy 4th.
        Well just last night on a Friday night a lil after midnight she sent me a message on facebook which we aren’t even friends anymore. she hopes I’m doing ok and that I’m being true and healthy. Do I respond? I don’t open the message so it’s showing I haven’t read it yet but I can see it on my phone without opening it .. plus do I open it or wait.
        I’m 43 and she’s 36. I talk to her family and they don’t like the girl she with and they say she is confused cause they had never seen her as happy as when she was with me.

  • David July 13, 2014, 5:41 pm



    Thanks for all your help so far! It’s been great; without you (and the support network that has been going on in your absence) I would have made some fatal mistakes involving my potential relationship with my ex. So lately I’ve been trying to get over her because I feel that she is trying to forget about me based on what she has told me and how she has acted in the very few times I have interacted with her since the breakup nearly 3 months ago. I still think we are best for each other, but I think that it won’t do any good for me to feel anything for her if she won’t feel anything for me.
    Still, I want to have her back, but only if I can convince her to have an open mind about me. I think she’s too stubborn about it though. She said she thought about it long and hard. And she’s really smart so she always trusts her decisions a lot.
    So anyway since she asked for more space, I’m willing to give it to her. I still have her on my mind all the time even though I’m looking for other girls to date. But I’m worried that when she says “move on” she means that she gets a new boyfriend. I don’t want to wait until she gets a new boyfriend to talk to her. And I’m afraid that by then, she’ll be MOVED ON, permanently. Basically, I feel like she means that she doesn’t want to talk to me until she has permanently moved on and won’t ever have a chance to love me again.
    Do you know what this means? What should I do? Just wait until she contacts me? Should I take the chances that she hasn’t actually permanently moved on? Or should I talk to her in like a month or two if she hasn’t contacted me yet?

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 7:54 am

      Hey David,

      If she is determined to move on, then let her move on. There’s nothing you can do to stop her. Once she has completely moved on, and she contacts you, you can try meeting her and see if there is a chance to start a new relationship with her. Also, I think if you want to get over her, you should completely give up the idea of getting her back. If you always have hope at the back of your mind, then you will never be able to fully get over her.

  • AQ July 13, 2014, 5:36 pm

    I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years, she’s 22, I’m 23. She has been in Austria on a school exchange since February. Things were good until about a month ago; We would talk on Skype frequently, etc.

    A month ago we talked and she brought up that she wants to travel and possibly live in another country, however it would mean the end of our relationship. I responded supportively in achieving her goals, and she was emotionally happy and was still very loving in her interactions with me.

    However the next couple of conversations following, I noticed she started to distance herself by not saying the “I love yous” and calling me the amicable names she used to. So the next time we talked via Skype she gently reminded me about that conversation we had. This time I don’t act so coolly and tried to convince her I could quit my job and move with her. She did not respond very well to this at all, and looking back I realize I probably looked very desperate and needy.

    Since then we have only talked once face-to-face, and I had couldn’t talk to her about anything relationship related. It was a good conversation where we laughed and joked, but I felt I couldn’t say what I felt emotionally. At the end I asked if she would come visit me when she came back (We live about 3 hours apart), and she said she didn’t want to. This ended the conversation on a bad note and I feel that since then she has only become more distant.

    At this point, I haven’t had any contact with her for about a week, and only sparse Facebook messages the week prior. She comes back from her exchange in 3 days. I don’t know if I should see her as soon as I can, or give her a couple weeks to resettle in at home. I feel like she is in this travel “high” right now where she is having a great time travelling and being with her exchange friends. I feel like we’ve broken up already, and if not that’s where the conversation is going to head the next time I see her. I’ve already had to purge all the memories from her from my place because it was just becoming too painful. I’ve also had trouble sleeping and can’t stop thinking about her. I’ve tried picking up a few new hobbies here and exercising a bunch more, and it’s helping me feel better to a limited degree.

    How should I approach her return home?

    • a.z July 13, 2014, 9:34 pm

      hey AQ,
      since its been less than a month after your breakup,i think NC will help alot.
      you acted kinda needy and its ok. if you go on NC, she will forget about that and since it was a really long term relationship she actually begins to miss you.you don’t have to break NC atleast for a month.you should work on yourself to become a confident happy person again.i know it sounds kinda hard but you can do it.she doesn’t have to feel any sadness or neediness in you.give her some time and space and also give yourself some time to heal from the breakup.don’t worry about losing the chance to meet her when she is back.if you act the right way,you will meet her again soon.if you meet her this time,there are chances that you start to talk about the breakup and getting back together and i think its normal cuz you can’t handle your emotions now.so that would only make the situation harder.avoid any negative thoughts for now.nothing terrible is happening before you finish NC.and she will not forget about you or fall for someone else.try to have a good time and follow the plan.you do have a chance. i hope i’m suggesting the right thing. wait for kevin’s respond to make sure what you should do.
      Good luck

      • a.z July 13, 2014, 9:36 pm

        and also sign up to kevin’s email series.that will help you alot especially when you are on NC.

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 7:49 am

      Hey AQ,

      I am sorry about what you are going through. However, like you said, she is going through a travel high. It’s a stage in her life where she wants to explore the world, or perhaps explore her options and herself. If you try to get her back, she is only going to resent you for trying to stop her. So, I guess your best move will be to let her go.

  • Pete July 13, 2014, 4:13 pm

    Original post http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/comment-page-8/#comment-31114
    I forgot to say that she told me after we finished she decided to take a break from dating and she didn’t have time for anyone right now. I also wonder if it is possible that I was actually a rebound for her last relationship.

    I’ve spent a lot of today reading through some peoples posts and its amazing to see the people in similar situations and how some of the things they say strike such a chord in me. I hope you all find the peace (whether that means success or not) you are looking for and I hope to be strong enough soon to start offering my own advice.

    • a.z July 13, 2014, 9:10 pm

      hey pete,
      i think you can understand if you were on a rebound or not by answering these questions that how she really felt after she broke up with her ex? and if that 3 and a half moths were enough for her to heal from the breakup ?and how strong your bonding were?
      she said she was already done with her ex even before the breakup.i have been there before and when i broke up with that guy i started a new good relationship.if that’s the case,there is good chance you weren’t on rebound.
      to be honest,being friends with you ex is not that bad.its just a word that you use to get closer to her so you can meet her without looking needy and then you can reattract her.
      step back for a little while and don’t initiate any contact,wait for her to contact you.then be cool and act like friends.tell her something good about your life.i mean show her a positive change like about your job or something she knows you always wanted to do.be all happy,confident and positive. meet her again and tell her you have been thinking and its weird but you are ok with being just friends.show her that you are busy and you are having a great life without her.
      she said she always thinks with her head and won’t let her heart rule her at all.
      to be honest , there is nothing logical about the breakups and relationships. atleast most of the times. its all about attraction. all of us are here and all of our exes kinda lost attraction for us due to whatever reason.so don’t think about the logical reasons she is bringing.i’m kinda facing the same situation.but the good news is that if you attracted a person once,there is a good chance that you can attract the person again.
      you should get close to her without letting her know that you want to get back together.she doesn’t have to feel any pressure at all.you should remind her of the good memories you two had before.she should feel a positive change in you.and don’t worry about being friends.its actually called the falsefriendship. once intimacy has happened it can’t be undone.when you meet her and create the good times like you had before,her mind joins it to the time that you were in bliss unconsciously and it will feel like that. and you don’t have to be worried about friendzone untill she starts to talk about her feelings for someone else with you.
      hope it would help a little.
      Good luck

      • Pete July 14, 2014, 10:54 am

        Hi a.z.,
        Thank you for your words, however I’ve been doing some thinking and she simply isn’t your typical girl. She has a this risk assesment thing she uses and she wont take a risk unless she feels the benefits are more, when I say she is emotionally distant I really mean it. She is trained to be because of her job and she brings this into her personal life as well. She keeps people at an arms length and despite the fact that she has told me repeatedly that we have a connection, I fear this simply is not enough, she is also extremely stubborn. I did say to her that she has to get in contact with me if she wants to and tho I think she may want to I just don’t think she will want it enough. I am feeling the hope slip away from me and fear I may have to face up to never hearing from her again……….despite our last meeting being pleasant, even if I do I’m not sure I have anymore fight left in me.

  • DF July 13, 2014, 2:57 pm

    I forgot to post age. I am 30 and she is 35

  • DF July 13, 2014, 2:48 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    To keep it short and simple. Me and ex dated 2 years (work together as well) Broke up, but still hung out for continuos 6 months and still did the dating thing. I’ve read the articles, I know this was the drift part of out ratio ship. End of May and June I did the deadly mistakes. Begged, pleaded, you name it. Ended up on death doors.Found out she began dating another guy (also works same company). That day was the start of NC (even tho I didn’t realize it). Didn’t talk for about 15 days, then she begins to email me, which then turn into texts. We eventually began to hang out. We went to dinner one night and it went well, we talked about her current situation and how she it’s going “really well”. We continued to talk and began to share small kisses. That weekend we hung out 2 more times. And the last night it got a little more intimate. We continue to talk everyday, she continues to tell me she worries for me and that she is happy we can be friends. Even asked if one day we can be best friends. We have shared a kiss recently I know she has feelings for me and really believe this is a rebound for her, but she has told me that she wants to see where it goes with the new. My confidence level has definitely come back. She has yelled at me because I wasn’t this guy during our relationship. She talks about doing things together I the future, but again not sure how to actually get that attraction fully back where she can initiate the move.

    should I move back to LC or NC? Or continue the role i play?



    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 7:38 am

      You have a good thing going. Continue it. Let it be her idea to get back together.

  • James July 13, 2014, 1:14 pm

    Hi everyone.
    First of all I’d like to say what an incredible site this is. I’ve never contributed to anything like this before, but have just gone through a break up and having read so many of the experiences people are going through really inspired me to write something.
    The relationship that’s just ended for me started about 9 months ago. We both completely fell in love with each other and were pretty much inseparable for the first three months. The compatibility and chemistry between us was incredible; I’ve been in lots of relationships before, but this really was something else. I’d never felt so close to someone before or allowed my emotions go so easily. It wasn’t long before we were talking about marriage and I was booking the registry office.
    One morning into our third month together I was called into work unexpectedly, leaving her in the flat to do some work she got to finish. About three hours later she was on the phone crying saying that she’d done a terrible thing. I’d given her the pass word to my laptop and she’d found the diary I’d been keeping. This broke us up for two months, but after continuously talking and texting we finally got back together. All seemed normal and back to how it was for a while until things started to change in her life. She moved house, got a new job, finished the studying she’d been doing and started socializing a lot more than she had. And during this time she was spending less and less time with me. Texts and calls became less frequent and less emotional, focusing more on the day to day stuff than our relationship, and I became more and more needy in response. She hinted on a number of occasions that she couldn’t cope with everything going on in her life and our relationship all at once and we agreed that I’d give her space. I was, however, constantly there for her and supported her through so much. I found though that the less I contacted her the more she’d contact me, telling me that she couldn’t live without me in her life and loved me so much. But all the time she was backing further and further away, one day telling me the she loved me and wanted to be with me, the next that she didn’t know what she wanted. This went on for about two months and was incredibly unsettling for me emotionally, not know where I stood with her and spending days on end waiting for a text or call. I completely put my life on hold for her. Three days ago, I gave up entirely. I texted her to say that I couldn’t do this anymore since she didn’t seem in the slightest bit committed to a relationship with me, and told her that I was blocking her number. She now has no way of communicating with me. It’s hell !!! I still desperately want her in my life and everything we had to begin with, but I couldn’t bear her indecision any more. On the up side, I feel a certain relief knowing that I don’t have to listen out for the text or call any more, and I’m focusing a lot more on my life now. Maybe once I feel in a more emotionally stable place I’ll unblock her number and see if she contacts me, but for the time being I need to get my life back together.

    • Edward July 15, 2014, 12:55 am

      Hi James,

      Mmm, I hope I can help you with your emotions (: . Marriage is a commitment, it’s something both of you have to agree on. Do you think she will want to be with a man who just disappears and blocks her for her indecisiveness? You’ve dated before and this one feels different, so why let her go? It’s a good and positive change that she started socializing more, got a new job, moved out. I would be happy for her goals so why shouldn’t you? I understand that you cant stand this uncertainty, but I think it would be better if you spend time with her while you can. Use the time to create more memories and moments together, be patient with her. If you push her away, she will go away, I’ve learned that the hard way. Be grateful for her presence, you won’t always be lucky finding the special one for you.

  • Kevin July 13, 2014, 12:23 pm

    Hey Guys,

    I just wanted to give a big shout out to all of you over here who have been helping others by replying to their comments. Special thanks to Edward, a.z., Festival David, Rihanna and Dara(Sorry if I missed anyone). You guys are doing a great job of helping people going through breakups. And you guys have got me thinking that perhaps this comment section is not really the best place for discussions. And perhaps it’s time I add a forum to this website where it’ll be much easier for everyone to post their questions and get answers. Let me know what you guys think.

    • david July 13, 2014, 4:40 pm

      Hey Kevin,
      Glad to see your back and thank you for the post :)

      I like the idea of a forum, can keep your own story in your own thread etc

    • David July 13, 2014, 5:43 pm

      Yes, I think this is a good idea. It would be easier to follow someone’s story, so they don’t all have to post links to their old comments and such. Thank you all for the help in this, the most difficult time of my life

      • a.z July 13, 2014, 7:35 pm

        Thank you very much for the post kevin. thank you for changing our perspective on relationships and breakups.
        and i think its already fine but the new idea would be great :)

    • Dara July 13, 2014, 8:56 pm

      Hi Kevin,

      Thank you very much for your magical site and emails. My appreciations are beyond words! You save me from the misery I had in the first week of breakup!

      I believe a forum is really required where we can hear each other, exchange ideas, provide comfort, solace etc. to each other apart from your comments. With my experience from real life friends and virtual friends who understood the depth of the pain, I have a suggestion regarding those who are probably suitable to comment on the potential forum. Make the (potential) forum restricted to those who have already passed your filter (or your modulations). In short, restrict it to those who have at least read your article and are serious enough to register for your daily emails. I truly don’t see any points in random comments that we see in other site from those who are just passerby.

      As David suggested above, the forum can be in such a way that each person can comment back on his/her previous comment/post but whenever they post something extra to their previous ones, their whole story come up on the top most of the page. Yet, their first post should be modulated by you Kevin.

      Thanks again Kevin for your replies here!

    • Rihanna July 13, 2014, 9:18 pm

      Hi Kevin,

      Welcome back YAY! and thank you for the post and everything else as well, it’s helped all of us lots in dealing with our breakups and we’ve formed great friendships on your site too :) … I think the forum is a great idea for discussions

    • Steve July 13, 2014, 10:09 pm

      Hi Kevin

      Welcome back, Hope you had a good time off.
      You have an awesome site and your advice is much appreciated. I really like the idea of setting up a proper forum for people to discuss and support one another. As mention it can get quite difficult following various conversations as the comments jump all over he place. People here give really good advice and it can sometimes get lost in the comments section

      Keep up the great work

    • Edward July 15, 2014, 1:04 am

      Hi Kevin,

      Thank you for providing this wonderful site for us all to share our experiences. I think it’s a great idea to have a community forum. Somethings to improve on might be the max amount of replies, the way people find their posts or if they might not see them because it’s down the page. Other than that, that you for the emails you’ve sent me, thank you for your comments and thank you for being there when I needed help. Your advices has taught me wonders and now I’m more mature and confident, things are going well as far as my process of getting back with my ex. There’s nothing wrong with breakup if it helps you grow stonger (:

  • Shawn July 13, 2014, 10:26 am

    I have been seeing this girl for 8 months. 1 month into our thing she left to live in a foreign country for 4 months. It was a dream before she left and while she was there. I went to visit her for 11 days while she was there. She returned in may and slowly began to pull away due to stress. She got a new job that required a lot of er time and would either be too sleepy to do much w me or grumpy. About a month after she returned we had a “breakup”. I use quotes bc we never officially had titles. (She has commitment issues) and it seemed as tho she was more trying to convince herself that it was a good idea. So I have er space. She made a blog post talking about how good it felt to finally be listened to by a guy. It didn’t last and things got back on track for a time. Eventually I was feeling her pulling away again and not prioritizing me on her few days off. Basically I was missing her and being needy. I apologized for lashing out once at this. She then stopped talking to me for about a week. Only to touch base when she got a new cell number. A few days later she apologized. Said she had been spending this entire time thinking about everything and just needed space. I gave her all the space she asked for and eventually she wanted to get together to talk. Well. This was a more real break up. We cried a bit. She told me she wasn’t in love and wasn’t ready for this now. Doesn’t have the time. But also said that she does want something serious. So I take it she’s quite confused. I told her that I was in love, she said she knew. And I said I think that it’s ok for her to not be right now. Her life is still being out back in order. New job. Getting back in the country and all. Anyways. I’m incredibly sad about it. It has been me pulling the weight for most of her return. Which I was glad to do as she sorted things out. We’ve been talking on and off in the near week since we broke up. Which I’ve decided to stop doing after I saw her at a movie w another guy 3 days later. I freaked out. She informed me it was just a friend who also had a recent break up. That she did not leave me for someone else. I apologized. She wished me well on an upcoming weekend trip and haven’t spoken to her since. I am fighting that urge. I am really overcome. Haven’t been in love in 10 years and I really thought this was going somewhere despite her reservations about making it “official”. We have a friends wedding to attend in a month. And have decided to still go together. Idk if this is a good idea but I do think it’s better than my being there sad and lonely.

    Anyways. That’s it. I would love to give it a go. I wasn’t ready to give up on her

    • Rihanna July 14, 2014, 12:02 am

      Hi Shawn,

      I think from what I’ve read that she still holds feelings for you but something else in her life is probably bothering her. Some of what you said hit home with me too, like how you haven’t been in love for ten years and I’m exactly the same until I met my ex a year ago. I think (but I may be wrong) that going to the wedding together is a good idea. 1- you won’t feel alone and sad there like you said. 2- it’ll heighten your feelings for each other because it’s a romantic scene without any effort from your end, which is great; and 3- you’ll enjoy yourself and each other at least for the night. that’s my opinion though. I hope it works out for you and you get back together. Good luck!

  • MissLydia July 13, 2014, 8:58 am

    Hi Kevin,
    First of all thanks for this website, I’ve been to many other sites but I love how realistic you are and your dedication to this. I almost always feel like you’re talking directly to me and it’s so soothing considering how lonely this period is.

    I asked a question earlier but I think you were out of town hence no reply. Hopefully this goes through.

    My ex is 35 and I’m 29 going on 30. I tried the no contact rule for about two, however it’s hard to continue because we have a project we are working on together so it’s almost impossible to ignore him. So I make sure not to contact him within the days we don’t work together, which is sometimes about a week or less.

    I think he may have noticed and would try to be extra nice to me.

    Here’s the thing though, I don’t even know if I even want him back anymore! He try’s to be extra nice whenever we work together but I sometimes feels it’s because of what he can get from me. I am his boss, and with this project I can easily give him a position that will elivate his career. So it almost feels like he’s only being nice because he wants to hold on to the favours and not to me.

    Also I keep thinking back about how cruel he was to me during our break up and I don’t think I want to be with a man who can be so verbally abusive when he’s angry.

    I did something’s that led up to the problems in our relationship, and when I realised I apologized, and understood it would take time for things to get back to normal. But he would be extreemly cold, put me down in public and literally treat me like I wasn’t important. In fact how he treated me was worse than the things I did.

    How do I handle all of this, when I work so closely with him. We are about to enbark on a your for about a month and I really don’t know how to handle this.

    Help Kevin!

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 12:04 pm


      Well, I think you are handling it pretty well. I hope it’s not just you and him and you have other co-workers with you on the tour. Regardless, keep the conversation with him professional and if he tries to get close, tell him you don’t think it’s appropriate and you want to keep things professional between you two. Be firm. don’t give in to his charm. And hold on to that thought of you not wanting him back anymore and the reasons why you don’t want him back anymore. Unless you are absolutely sure you want him back, don’t take things any further.

  • Rihanna July 13, 2014, 8:53 am

    Hi Dara, Daniel, Raed, Festiva David and Everyone!

    What does it mean when a guy says ‘I want to come visit you and see IF, if we can start again but differently. However, I want to take things slowly and don’t want to see your family or anything”… I want to know his intentions. Then, he said I’ll do some effort and wear CK undies, I stopped him immediately and said NOOOO! I picked a date where I can get physical with him so that IF, if I’m weak around him human nature will stop me from making the ultimate mistake.

    Anyway, I told him about I’ve been feeling bit low today so he called. The phone call was weird. He brought up issues we had and sorted out and said all these little things came to his mind when he broke it off. BIG BS! I corrected him and said the only reason we broke up was for circumstance reasons only. Then, he said some great things and was fun but the phone call went for THREE hours! I asked him questions and sorted some things out. But he’s confused he seems even more than me. I don’t know if it’s right to see him in my city and not introduce him to my family cos he wants to take things slow? And he said pick a date where you’re not on PM because you get emotional during that time of the month and I think that’s BS and reassured him that we will NOT get physical cos there’s no commitment and he’s not my husband! yes, that’s right I said ‘I don’t sleep with ppl who aren’t my HUSBAND!’ So, he’s coming in a few weeks and I already bit my nails hahaha. But he (and I) we want to see if the attraction and love is still there then he said, I don’t want to think with this ‘new’ relationship with you with my heart only like I did before, I want logic. Then, he seemed bit harsh about everything I did. I especially got confused when he said his family didn’t see we had a connection on the dinner table. How do you have connection on the dinner table? And that we didn’t look like a couple which is total crap! Please someone advice me how to act like as a ‘couple’ in front of people? Then he said, the list of positive things with us could go on forever but I want to iron the negativity out and that he also did wrong at times too. So, this trip in a couple of weeks will either get us back together or apart. And if together he wants to take things s-l-o-w-l-y and I’m not sure how my family will react to that. He said it was a mistake that he introduced me to his family so soon and we just jumped into a relationship that this time IF we went back together it’ll be different. It didn’t sound ‘good’ different! What do you guys think I should do when he comes? He’s here to discuss serious matters so I’m thinking to be flirty and happy but when it comes to the ‘Discussion’ I don’t want to cave in and agree with everything he says because of my feelings for him. BTW, he kept telling me about how much he loves me still and will always…etc… but now, I’m not sure that’s enough! Please help… any advice?

    • Daniel July 13, 2014, 9:30 am

      I think hes trying to get intimate with you without getting serious. Without commitment. I suggest keep your distance. Entertain him but maintain a safe distance.

      • Rihanna July 13, 2014, 9:27 pm

        Thank you Daniel. It really hurts me that he’s thinking that way but not much surprised. While we were together he took me home to his family where I stayed a month before he broke up with me and introduced me to everyone as his fiancee. Yesterday on the phone he said that it was a mistake that all of that, what I would call ‘a commitment’ was a mistake cos we jumped into it, even after 8 months relationship.
        He’s flying to my home town in a few weeks to ‘discuss’ past issues, crap ones I think. I would like to know what his intentions are when he said “it might be the last time we see each other or we might give ‘us’ another try we’ll see. But I want to take things very slowly and not involve any of our friends and families for a while’. Also, do you think it was a mistake that I’ve given him the impression on the phone that I have not moved on? He said he hasn’t moved on either and that he thinks of my constantly but all his talk is confusing me, is this guy genuine or he wants to play games?

        • Daniel July 13, 2014, 11:28 pm

          I think its alright that somehow you are not totally moved on. But im not sure if hes playing games with you. Its really hard to tell.

          • Rihanna July 13, 2014, 11:50 pm

            Thank you Daniel, I agree with Kevin you ‘are’ a Champ! :)

  • Daniel July 13, 2014, 7:29 am

    Okay ill admit it. Last week my ex texted me. The topic was not good. She said she heaed rumors that i am telling some people that she dumped me for someone else and that while we were still dating she was already entertaining this new guy and making her look like a bitch. I explained ofcourse because that isnt true but still i apologiZed because maybe the friends im opening up to told her that. Although i didnt mean any harm or said it in a bad way to them. I said i respect her and just kept quiet abt the break up and her having a new guy. I dont even know if they are already together or what. She posted pics of them on instagram but i dont follow her anymore so i didnt know. Only my stupid friends showed it to me so i got hurt a little. So i said that it was her who kept posting pics of them together. That all her followers knew that she just came from a long term telationship of 4yrs and now after a few mos she already has someone new and that i cant control other’s opinions.
    The funny thing is it ended good i think.

    She said that she is not mad. She is slowly learning to let go of what people think about her. That she is tired of trying to please the people around her. She knew that she is being judged. And that its fine that there are a few people who really know the true story. And that she is not closing doors. She still beleives that someday we will still be friends. I think she has grown a lot this past 4mos.
    So what do you think about this kevin? A future reconnection is possible?
    I was implementing NC for almost 2mos now. But in between i texted her a goodbye msg and this conversation that we had. So atleast i eliminated mu needy side by now. Im actually focusing on moving on already. I guess she felt the same way as me that we have a good chemistry and we want to keep our bond atleast as frienda but we both agrees that its not time yet that we have to heal and move on first.
    So is future reconnection possible? And im not sure if this guy is still rebound coz its been a long time since the break up but i can sense that she doesnt want to be alone but also dont want to fall back to me so maybe she entrtaines this new guy. what do you think of my overall situation kevin? Thanks.

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 12:00 pm

      It’s definitely possible. And you are probably right about the guy as well. I think you are doing great and I am pretty sure that whatever happens in the future, you are going to handle it like a champ. :)

  • Dalia July 13, 2014, 5:36 am

    Hi, Kevin,

    My girlfriend (K.) and I broke up a few days ago. We’re both women, we’re lesbians (both the feminine type), I’m 23, she’s 25. Our relationship lasted about 2 months. We had both ended 2-year-long relationships /with women/ not long before we met. In fact I was still in a relationship when K. and I started flirting, but I ended it when I realized I wanted to be with her. So… everything was great! We were really compatible when it came to intimacy, sex, hugging, kissing, everything. We are compatible when it comes to characters, sense of humour, and things were really going great. She told me she was inlove with me. She told me I’d become her weakness, she said she didn’t like it if we didn’t text for too long. By the way, we texted all the time, literally. I remember once switching off the wifi on my cellphone just to get 4 hours of sleep… We both loved texting each other so much, as I said we didn’t sleep for days. However, she wasn’t willing to commit to a relationship, she always said things like ‘I don’t think I’m ready’, ‘I’m not sure I can give you what you want/need’. Anyway.
    Our first fight came. We had gone to the seaside for a week and were really happy there, we had a wonderful time. Then, we came back to where we live and because of her work and other stuff to do we didn’t meet for several days. It was really weird, because we used to meet, or at least tell each other that we wanted to meet, all the time. I got angry, I blamed her for not wanting to meet me, she said she had a lot of work (it’s true… but I didn’t know it at the time, she wasn’t sharing much about these things), I asked her if she was seeing someone else, she freaked out, told me I didn’t trust her and if I don’t change my behaviour we will break up. It all ended the following day, when we met and I apologized for my behaviour, I told her I wasn’t jealous or anything, she said that I didn’t trust her and that she didn’t want to be in the same relationship like her previous one. She wasn’t giving me a change to prove to her that I’m not going to suffocate her or anything. She said that I deserved a chance but the fact that she wasn’t willing to give it to me meant that she was too hurt from the same thing in her previous relationship, that she is just not ready to have another one. She is not emotional, but when she drove me home I saw her wiping away tears from her eyes several times.
    When she had to go, I went out of the car, told her I wasn’t going home now. She texted me half an hour later and asked me to tell her when I get home, at least a line. I did so on the following morning. She said ok and thanked me for writing. A day passed… since we met it’s never been even a couple of hours without texting… so, a day passed and I wrote to her that I missed our relationship, that I’m sorry for what I did and that I’d be happy to try again if she was willing. She replied that at that moment she didn’t think she was ready to try again, she didn’t know whether she could give me all that I want and that she didn’t want me to suffer anymore. I texted that in that case I’d be happy to talk to her when she feels well and she said ok. And that was it. Now another day has passed… and maybe a thousand more will pass… Do I have any chances of getting her back or should I move on? What should I do? If I do the NC, she will forget about me, we only dated for 2 months, though while we were breaking up, she said our relationship had been perfect until I reacted like that (the jealousy and anger after we hadn’t met for a few days).
    Until the end I wasn’t sure we were in a relationship, but on the day of the break up she said that it was pretty obvious that we had been in a relationship.
    Why did this all happen, and can I change things?

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 11:57 am


      Why did all this happen? Because you both jumped in the relationship too soon after the breakup. She never got the chance to get over her last breakup. No contact, IMO, is your best bet. If your relationship was perfect and it’s meant to be, she won’t forget about you during NC.

      • Dalia July 13, 2014, 11:05 pm

        Thank you. I feel so bad. I feel not wanted and so on, since she always told me how much she missed me, how much I meants to her and how much she was inlove with me… Was that all a lie?
        Nc, right. But we both post in that online forum where we actually met. She participates in some of the topics I’ve posted in. Does that break NC?

        • Dalia July 15, 2014, 7:28 am

          After 2 days with no contact at all, she texted me to ask me how I was doing. I replied. She told me how she was doing, asked me how was work, I replied, she told me about her work… then she asked me something else and so on for 10-15 minutes. I was positive and not very talkative. And then the texting stopped (her text was the last one, but since it didn’t say much, I didn’t reply. It was ‘That’s good’ about something I had said about my job). Now a day has passed and she hasn’t contacted me yet. Should I expect her to contact me again? Does she miss me? Should I contact her? What if she gets over me if I don’t contact her for some time… I mean our relationship was only 2 months, though it was perfect (as she said on the day of the break up).

  • Anson July 12, 2014, 7:48 pm

    Hey everyone.
    I’ve tried posting several times on here, but its never gone through so hopefully it will this time.
    My girlfriend broke up with me on June 18th and told me that she just didn’t want the distance or the relationship and didn’t see it going anywhere (we were in a long distance relationship for over a year and a half). However, 2 days later, she started dating another guy who is also long distance. I think that he kind of got into her head and told her basically anything she wanted to hear in order to get her to break up with me and start dating him.
    I told a few people what was going on and how I was feeling, etc and one of them told her that she needed to talk to me because she had basically destroyed me even though I had asked him not to say anything to her. So she texted me and told me that she basically had never loved me, had never been happy being with me, and that I was boring, the first 2 of which I can prove aren’t true.
    I’ve been in NC with her ever since, but its really hard. She seems happy being with this new guy and I find myself checking on her fb, skype, and a game we play together (the new guy plays it too) several times a day and it tears me up inside just knowing that she’s happy being with him and has so easily forgotten about me especially after everything that we’ve been through together. (i.e. over a year and a half of an amazing relationship, I saved her from cutting herself and even from suicide, I was always able to take care of her no matter what, etc.) We have also met in person twice, we’ve been together intimately several times, had talked alot about marriage, having a family together, moving in together, etc.
    She had even been telling me that I needed to get a haircut so I went and got one that I know she likes, sent her a picture which she was very excited about, but then, less than 12 hours later, she broke up with me and told me that there were no second chances and that its over and to accept it.
    Please, give me some advice. This is the one and only girl I’ve ever truly loved and I still do love her, but it seems like she doesn’t even remember that I exist and I’m not sure whether its due to this new guy or if she really doesn’t care about me anymore. What do I do?

    • Anson July 12, 2014, 8:24 pm

      She also basically said that she regrets our entire relationship which tears me up inside. We hadn’t been talking as much for the last few weeks because she had been getting upset with me easily over small things and I was trying to give her some space since I knew that I had been smothering her with my attention although when I didn’t, she seemed to want it and crave it. We weren’t completely not talking though and we never had any big fights or arguments. When we did have arguments, it was over little things that we knew were little things and it only made our relationship stronger. We would sit down and talk about it and did so every time except for this time. Please guys, any advice would be appreciated. One more thing though. Due to the distance, I can’t ask her to go out for coffee or lunch very easily. Plane tickets are between $1500 and $2500 USD and although I’m more than willing to pay that, I don’t have the money for it right now. We were planning on getting her a ticket here this December/Janurary to spend a little over a month together, but like I said, she doesn’t seem to even think about me anymore, let alone want to see me. Our distance is nearly 9000 miles (I live in KS, USA and she lives in NSW, AUS) and even if I did bring her here (if she would agree to that), I’m afraid she would just want to go see the new guy instead (the new guy lives in TX, USA).

      • Kevin July 13, 2014, 11:43 am

        Hey Anson,

        I replied to your comment here. Also, don’t spend any money on her unless you are officially back together. Instead of inviting her for coffee or lunch, you can ask her to come up on skype.

  • Ron July 12, 2014, 5:36 pm

    Hi, I’ve tried to comment several times. Been reading this site and it’s suggestions since June 13th. And even purchased Relationship Rewind. I’ve tried to follow the advice given to others from all the posts I’ve read here that applied to my situation, as well as tried to apply many of the suggestions in RR. My comments never seem to make the page and I think I’d like to become a part of the community and share my story and comment on others if that’s possible… Thanks

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 11:37 am

      Sorry about that Ron. Your comments will be automatically approved now as long as you use the same name and email address.

  • Vee July 12, 2014, 5:33 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Sorry for the double post but I posted a comment here: http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/#comment-30355

    I’m pretty sure I stuck to the guidelines… Could you reply please? Thanks!


    • Vee July 13, 2014, 3:43 pm

      Please help?!

      • a.z July 13, 2014, 8:00 pm

        hey vee,
        could you repost your it? i can’t open the link i guess there might be a problem.

        • a.z July 13, 2014, 8:02 pm

          sorry, i meant could you repost it :D

          • Vee July 13, 2014, 10:00 pm

            Hello a.z,

            Of course… here it is:

            My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. He told me “he wants new things in life now and they’re not the same as my wants anymore.” He didn’t tell me what the new things are because he didn’t want to see me be a doormat. He told me he no longer has feelings for me and is ready to move on. He thought the relationship was getting unhealthy because he had to “convince” himself that he was happy with me. If he had to do that then it means he wasn’t truly happy with me. He doesn’t want to be friends for at least a year or two, and he’s even deleted me off of Facebook (ouch) because “he doesn’t want to knkw what’s going on in his exes’ lives.” I made the mistake by texting him right after the breakup because I “forgot to tell him something.” That went on for a while but eventually he told me he was extremely uncomfortable with talking to me at that moment. I’ve completed NC with no slips and have been talking to a lot of new guys and I have to say I feel a lot better! He has not reached out though.

            He went to Spain alone for a trip for three months and said that changed him. He believes that nothing will make the relationship work anymore. Because HE changed, doesn’t matter how I better myself, it won’t work as he wants different things now… or at least that’s what I think.

            He’s very in touch with is emotions. He has a lot of discipline and self control. His will power is super strong, as in I feel like if he wants to move on, he will.

            What would you suggest? Is there any hope?



          • a.z July 13, 2014, 11:05 pm

            how long have you guys been together? and did you talk to him after the NC period and he said those things to you after NC?
            don’t care about what he is saying.i think you should go on NC again for 2 or 3 months.you should show him that you are moved on.you don’t have to contact him or try to show him anything using words.just live your life.concentrate on your goals and be as happy as you can.go on dates and use your facebook account or anything like that to show that your doing great in your life.even though he has blocked you on FB,he will probably check your profile someday .kevin has suggested ryan river’s relationship rewind.i recommend you to read it.it will help you understand the phase ,how to deal with it and hopefully get out of it.
            good luck

          • Vee July 13, 2014, 11:56 pm

            Hey a.z,

            We were together for nine months… I’ve not tried contacting him after NC so technically im still do it haha… I actually dont want to contact him because I really want myself to heal. Stay in away from him at all costs most definitely protects me from all the damage he did to me.

            Right now im actually quite content with my single life and im picking up a lot of hobbies that I no longer had time for after I got into a relationship with him. Its great!

            I have a copy of relationship rewind believe it or not but instead of using it to get back with my ex I feel like im reading it more for the purpose of building successful relationships in the future!

            At the same time, I dont want to shut out from any chances of reconciliation with my ex while I still have feelings for him…


          • a.z July 14, 2014, 12:17 am

            9 moths is a long time and i’m sure you will definitely increase your chances of getting back by following the plan.don’t worry about his words,he may change it sooner or later if you act the right way.
            best of luck

          • Vee July 14, 2014, 9:27 am

            Dear a.z,

            We are headed off for the same university in September so im sure we will cross paths again in the future. This is why I am not in a rush to contact him. I want to use this time to really work on myself and who knows? Maybe by the time university starts he’ll come back… or better yet more guys will come my way! Aha I’ve been told more than many times that I’ve been the better looking one in the relationship ;)


  • k.w. July 12, 2014, 12:15 pm

    Can someone please help. Me and my broke up about three weeks ago. I had trust issues with him, we are both 20 and he and this little girl started talking, texting, snapchatting everything. We started fighting about everything and than he just ended it. There are no indications that he’s interested in her. We dated for almost two years. I’ve been following everything, but I’m wondering if its even realistic to get your ex back. Please help.

  • Zach July 12, 2014, 11:14 am

    Kevin, I hope you are back approving and answering questions. I hope you can help me here. I’m using the Relationship Rewind method and it has worked wonders so far. Just yesterday we had the first face-to-face social meeting and it went really smooth. Neither she or I have mentioned the word “friendship” at all but the behaviour was that of two friends so I guess it’s implied. I felt comfortable around her and so did she, we interacted with the whole group but also had some private chat between us two. We really had a lot of fun.

    The only problem here is she’s seeing someone else. It’s most likely a rebound since she started seeing him two weeks after she broke up with me and they’re not in a relationship yet, but they’re dating and seeing each other. I’ve acted all cool and non threatened about it and making it seem like I’m fine with it and un-biased by the idea of her moving on. But now my question is, should I just let her “thing” with this other guy run its course and wait until they’re done to take the next step or should I keep going for it all regardless of the other guy?

    Thank you!

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 11:10 am

      Keep going for it regardless of the other guy.

      • a.z July 13, 2014, 8:07 pm

        hey zach,
        i’m so glad you are hear with the good news.you are doing great.
        Good luck

        • a.z July 14, 2014, 1:55 am


    • Rihanna July 14, 2014, 2:03 am

      Hey Zach, glad to see you’re back and you sound much more focused. Good luck :)

    • Dara July 15, 2014, 12:19 pm

      Hey Zach!

      Is that you? I was hoping to see you back here!

  • AQ July 12, 2014, 9:52 am

    Hey Kevin,
    I sent a comment to you a couple days ago and just wondered if it got lost in the mix.
    If it did I could resend it.

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:28 am

      Hey AQ,

      Yes, please resend the comment. And please read the comment guidelines before posting. Thanks.

  • lou July 12, 2014, 9:10 am

    Hi Kevin i azked you before if you got my comment as no rwply. please can u help

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:27 am

      Hey Lou,

      I’ve replied to your comment here.

  • AS July 12, 2014, 7:47 am

    Welcome back Kevin, and thank you for your website and recommending Relationship Rewind!

    My ex and I are 33 years old, were together for under 12 years. He broke it off 2 months ago and told me to accept it was over, but that we’d eventually need to meet to return each other our things. We weren’t on talking terms and of course I committed all the things you said not to do after a break up with no response from him of course. But since coming across your site I wasn’t in contact with him for just a little under a month, until he messaged me to say we should probably return our things to each other and asked me to coffee which I thought was strange. I was only a few days away from 30 days of no contact and was feeling better about myself that I decided to meet up with him.

    He looked hurt when I saw him, maybe because returning our things was so final. Strange because he was the one who broke my heart by calling it off. So we had coffee after and it went well, kept things casual only catching up about what each of us have been up to. He was kind, we were joking, I was confident and “happy”, we were talking about things we knew we had in common but we were very careful not to talk about our relationship. Only time he went silent was when I told him I was going overseas (holiday). Only thing was when he saw that I kept going a bit silent at times and looking into the corner of the cafe (I was a little nervous, but he saw it as me being carefree and casual), he took it as a cue to ask me if I wanted to continue having coffee or he was going to do a bit of shopping. I didn’t quite hear him so I asked him if he wanted to shop alone, he said yes, so I felt a bit rejected and just smiled (genuinely) and said “okay. well, okay”. And forgot to say goodbye!

    So I messaged him later that day as I felt bad, to thank him for the catch up and told him I was proud of his career. He replied and expressed his appreciation for me acknowledging his achievements, but made it clear that even though he broke things off that his heart still hurts and even commented that it appeared I was being casual and carefree. I was only trying to be positive and happy.

    He went silent after that so I left a one day gap to message him back to say sorry for not properly saying goodbye because of nerves, but didn’t mean he wasn’t special to me. He responded well to that especially when I referenced how this is a tough time for us both. So I asked him to go out for a casual eat as friends before I go on my trip, and he said he can’t do that to send me off on an adventure, and he needs more time.

    A week later I texted him about a book I mentioned at coffee that I knew he’d like and he said thanks and asked when I was going overseas. I mentioned when that was and I talked about something else in that message, to which he responded but completely ignored the part about when I was leaving for my trip. After that I complimented him about his career again and he went silent after that, from what I can tell he’s now distant. I was in deaths door, then because he initiated coffee I thought we moved to drift, now not sure if I’m at deaths door again.

    I leave for my trip soon, but don’t want him to think that I’m using it to get over him but would like to be on his mind. So 1)What should I do?

    Since being together we’ve had a few break ups longest lasting 2 months, two were serious but always seemed to return to each other because we love each other so much and are very similar in personalities and share endless common interests and career aspirations (first in 2007 for 2 months, 2010 for 2 months, 2013 for 13 days). He said this is the last break up.

    BUT I’m not meant to know this but very freshly after breaking up with me, he told a friend that even though he doesn’t think I can change (he’s wrong this time because although he was unwilling to see at the time, I had personal issues I was dealing with), I found out he misses me. From coffee I can tell he misses me, or maybe he feels guilty for the break up. Hence my below question about wanting to prove that I have changed in one of the areas I have hurt him.

    Should I keep in contact with his sibling (who’s offered to be there for me)? Only ask as in Relationship Rewind, Ryan Rivers said to improve yourself and show my ex the positive changes he wants to see. My ex had a big issue with me not showing I care for his family (we’re both very close to our families) which I admit I took for granted but had some issues I had to deal with. So 2)would it be wise for me to spend time with his sibling and his niece which I’d really like to do. 3) I’ve also bought his niece small gifts that I’d like to give her- can I give this, or personally give to him if I see him after I return from my trip? I want to regain his trust and show him I’ve changed.


    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:04 am

      You should keep contact while you are away on the trip, but keep it minimum. Perhaps, text him once or twice. I don’t see any problem with spending time with his siblings and niece if you are close to them. However, don’t make it look like you are doing it just to get him back or to just show him you’ve changed.

  • Rihanna July 12, 2014, 7:23 am

    Hi everyone

    Have you guys received an email from Kevin about hot and cold feelings with our exes? Well, this is why I’ll try not to sound too optimistic in my comment here but something has happened and i feel weird about it (though for a while today I was feeling happy and shouting everyone lunches and drinks hahaha)

    He sent me a message this morning after I sent him ‘something remind me of you’ text last night. His message was irrelevant to what I said and though the message was something to do with me and for my own good anyway I responded to it formally. Then he sent me a text are you free now? I responded after ten mins ok and then he called me. During the phone call he said he ‘loved me’ and that will never change. He was so emotional and optimistic in his life plans etc… I was boosting his confidence as well, I acted happy and though I did bring up the break up subtly, it didn’t matter for either of us cos it’s in the past and for the circumstances we went through there wasn’t much to do but to separate. Anyway, I encouraged him to complete his Masters degree next year and I said that I am willing to do it with him as well. I discussed how I’m not exactly happy here and not sure if this is a good idea but I thought if I did move back to the city I would have to live in a shared accom and then why not share with someone I know and lived with for a month? Not sure if that’s a decent idea? Especially that he said he still holds feelings for me and he thinks of me still a lot. We even told each other we miss each other… oops! But he said he wants to concentrate on his life plans and not ready for a relationship in the next year and a half, and I said I need to sort out my life too… So living wisely, is it ok do you guys think?

    After the phone call he texted me saying ‘that was a great conversation I feel uplifted and happy after speaking with you,. I’m very serious about doing the degree next year” I agreed politely. Then he said I’m coming to see you in August I’ll book flights and let you know and since you know your city better would you find me accommodation? and I said no worries. He assured me that he doesn’t ever mean to ignore my texts but with all the pain killers he’s taking he sleeps a lot and then with what time he has left he works. So I have to be patient which bothers me cos I’m sick of this!

    Anyway, this is the story with us today. Today, he’s warm and tomorrow god knows. He might still change his mind about everything and not come… really, I have zero expectations from him but for the sake of my time and energy if he takes back what he said I’m gonna move on. I can’t be in a roller coaster but fingers crossed good things will happen.

    • Dara July 13, 2014, 2:33 am

      It sounds good to me except that he said he does not want a relationship in a year and a half! Otherwise, everything sounds great!! Anyway, you better know what’s happening!!

      • Rihanna July 13, 2014, 4:54 am

        Thank you Dara. He said that he doesn’t want to disappoint me by making promises he couldn’t keep, he said that he did once and he let me down hence why he said he wants to concentrate on his life financially before entering a relationship. But he’s afraid of losing me… ? I’m also confused by that. Not sure if it’s a good idea to share accommodation with each other in the new year, I am keen on moving back to the city but is this the right way to do it?

        • Daniel July 13, 2014, 7:42 am

          I think his issue is within himself. He is insecure in a lot of things that may affect a relationship. I think leet him be for a while. Let it be his idea to get back. I think he wants to grow first. He is not ready to commit again because he has feelings of insecurity he doest have the confidence that he can take care of a relationship as of now. My advixe is move on now. Dont waste tme waitng and hoping for him. He may change his mind in a second abd it will just break you down. Goodluck. I wish you all the best.

          • Rihanna July 13, 2014, 8:33 am

            Thank you Daniel :) … You may be right, I may need to just move on he’s acting weird lol

  • lou July 12, 2014, 7:09 am

    Hey kevin please can i have a reply to my comment

  • Julie July 12, 2014, 7:01 am

    hi everyone, I’m really desperate for some advice so I hope somebody respond to my cooment..
    I met my ex on fb one year ago.We used to go in the same school but didn’t know each other in person,though I always had a crush on him.Our last year I had tried to add him,he accepted me and showed interest but I was too coward to meet him when I had the chance,the he closed his fb and I had forgotten him till last year when I found his new profile and decided to add him. Once again,he accepted, he showed interest again,we exchanged phone numbers soon and ever since we talked and texted every day for 3 months.He was working in another city so we only met last september when he came here for his sister’s wedding.We had arranged to go to Rome together and he had more than once talked me about marriage! I saw him about 5 times but after 2 weeks or so he started being strange,probably because he has family issues, and I admit I was so terrified I put him a lot of pressure..He left again while we didn’t talk,after a while we talked again, then he stopped answering again. He returned here to stay,but didn’t say anything about us.When I had lost every hope I found some sites, I decided to do NC,it worked,he messaged me once, I didn’t answer, then after 30 days I tried my First text,it went very good!after 3 days he texted me First and so I followed the plan.At some point he kind of did a jealousy scene cause he saw me with my cousin,though he got a bit mad and denied it when I said he cared about me.2 weeks later about xmas,he implied he wanted to see me and during new year’s eve we were texting each other all the time.He even said he was looking forward to our trip,that he liked me etc..After that at some times he was cold and hot at times,we met once at end of january, at his house where he introduced to his family as his ‘girlfriend’.I tried to talk to him about what is going to happen between us and he kind of didn’t answer.Ever since he was kind neutral and when the time of the trip came, we didn’t go cause he couldn’t leave his job while he said that we can’t be together and we wont be! I didn’t talk to him about 40 days after that.meanwhile he had closed his FB.I tried text him he didn’t reply 2 times.In the third text he started asking me things on his own.For a while we talked,he was friendly,we even talked on the phone after a long time! then he never wished me on my birthday,he didn’t reply when I wished him on his. Again I tried after a while talk to him,he was possitive,then he wouldn’t answer again! Meanwhile he owes me the money for the trip which I asked and he said he has some difficulties and a girlfriend!I asked him for how long and he said 2 months. I told him I also have a bf and that I’d like to remain friends. Now my friend beleives he’s lying about the gf. But on Monday I tried to text him ‘May I ask you sth?’,he replied in less than 5 min. and after another 5 again saying ‘tell me now cause I’m with my gf and I don’t want any misunderstandings!’. I was shocked,didn’t reply anything, yet about 35min later I checked on fb and saw him on Chat from cell. I waited and at night I send him a text saying I didn’t want to disturb earlier and that sth happened that scared me, so I wanted to say some things. I thanked him for the support he gave me last summer, I apologized if I crossed the line some times and said I’m glad we know each other. He didn’t reply..
    so could you answer these: a)do you think I did well texting that?
    b)do you think there’s a gf indeed and if she could be a rebound?
    c)why can he possibly not giving me the money, cause I’m sure he has an amount of them. And what can I do from now on?

    • Julie July 13, 2014, 10:30 am

      can somebody reply…??

      • Kevin July 13, 2014, 12:11 pm


        I replied to you here.

  • a.z July 11, 2014, 6:00 pm

    hey Kevin,Dara and David
    thank you again for responding
    so he called me and asked me what my point is about all this.i was confident and he couldn’t sense any sadness.i said i think i’v already said everything that was needed.
    he said he was too angry that day and couldn’t give me the right answer.i said since we are not in a relationship and you are talking about your feelings every now and then i wanted to make sure about your feelings and it seems like you are never constant.he said:do you want me to keep telling you how much i love you like every day?then i said no.
    he said: i want to tell you something and i want you to always remember it.i love you and my feelings for you won’t change.i’m not dating anyone and i don’t want to.but we can’t be with each other because of your behavior.we can’t, cuz i can’t handle when you say something bad and unusual and that reminds me of the days that you behaved so bad and that drives me crazy and this will cause more and more arguments and pressure and i really can’t handle that.
    i said that i’m not saying anything about getting back and its just that it makes me crazy when he changes his mind.
    he said: when i get angry i may say anything that i don’t mean and i know thats not right but now i’m saying that i love you.
    i said: the reason that i’m still here is the things you told me about your feelings and getting back in the future and that the reason for our breakup and that i know it was my fault and i behaved so bad and i know how much i’v hurt you .
    he said: i’m still saying that if someday everything will be all right then we are gonna be with each other.
    i said: i’m not thinking about that future anymore .right now you are saying that you love me and i really appreciate that.i love you too.we are good but we need to live our lives the way we have to,without each other and if later in the future we still have the same feelings then we can talk about it that time and until then there shouldn’t be any jealousy or anything like that and that i have changed alot and this time he needs to change .
    he said he is ok with what i said and that he will change and then started to talk about everything else including his job,my job and then tried to make me laugh.and we ended the conversation like nothing went wrong.he is coming back next week and i know he is gonna ask me out again. what do i do?
    i believe i haven’t changed my attitude toward him that much.and whenever i get angry i behave as bad as possible but i will really change it.but sometimes i think these are some excuses that he is making not to be with me.

    what do you think? is there any chance or i need to move on and forget a bout him?

    • Dara July 11, 2014, 9:31 pm


      You have someone who loves you and you love him as well! So why do you want to move on? Instead of being destructive be constructive!

      Do you truly love him? So why do you torture him? Do you expect him to say, “I love you” and you say, “we need to live our lives, without each other”?

      a.z., you even play head-games with yourself! Do you want me to repeat it? He loves you! You need to work on yourself! Sorry for being blunt!

      You said you are going to meet each other next? If your ideal case is living with each other, tell him!

      I am happy that you told him that you love him! a.z., you should not put a break to the relationship! Anyway, you were good! Still a bit rough on him but better than before! I appreciate your improvement!

      Good luck!

      • a.z July 11, 2014, 10:14 pm

        hi Dara,
        thank you very much for your comment and i’m really glad to have a friend like you.
        the reason i told him that we should live our lives without each other is that he said we can’t be with each other because he still remembers those days and he can’t handle anymore of that.i couldn’t say anything about getting back when he is still blaming me for my bad behavior.i can only do that in case i show him i have changed and i can control my anger,bad feelings etc… . and still i’m not sure if those are just excuses he is making not to be with me. i think i should go out with him like once a month and show him that i have changed in a long period of time like 3 months or so. cuz i have never been acting normal that long.and i have always found something to make an argument. i’m not sure yet.i’m waiting for more advice from you guys but i think since its more than 4 months and he is not sure yet, kevin will suggest moving on.

        • Edward July 12, 2014, 6:40 am

          Hi a.z,

          “we can’t be with each other because he still remembers those days and he can’t handle anymore of that.i couldn’t say anything about getting back when he is still blaming me for my bad behavior.” It’s great that you’ve realized the problem and that you want to show him that you can control your anger. When you wonder, you’ll start to think about negative things about your ex and think, why isn’t he doing the things you expect? This will lead you to feeling angry. When you’re asking yourself why isn’t he making the move to come back, I’d like you to step back and ask yourself why.

          Time. How long it takes for you to get back with your ex is different for everyone. If you keep saying to yourself, it’s been 4 months since our breakup, and we are still not back together, should I move on? Most likely, you still aren’t feeling happy with where you’re at. I know you’ve made mistakes because of your anger, but it’s never too late to change. It’s normal for people to feel angry, and I think it’s okay as long as you can control it, but you get to the point where anger controls you, you have to do something about it.

          I think you should go NC again and try to work out these issues on your own, figure out what went wrong in your relationship and how YOU can improve yourself. You can’t be angry when you’re not even together with your ex. Even if you aren’t angry, are you happy without him? I wish the best for you too a.z, remember, you are more important than he is.

    • Daniel July 12, 2014, 12:01 am

      I’m not really sure where you are going here. as i understand you are prioritizing your own lives than your love for each other? If you think that being with him wont do much good and that you both are better off at the moment then go. learn to let go and grow. If someday you meet again and become good friends then there is a chance you can start again. as the saying goes. “If you really love something let it go, if it comes back it’s forever yours. If it doesn’t it was never yours to begin with.”

      Live your life. Im in a good mood today I feel like the video i watched hit my head and woke me up or something. so there, just be positive. be happy and show taht youre doing fine if he asks to meet again. dont overdo it. just dont let him sense that you are sad or any negative feelings. goodluck! all the best!

      • a.z July 12, 2014, 8:00 am

        thank you again guys,i really appreciate the time you spend.
        you are right,Edward i keep asking myself why he is not coming back when i have never taken a step in resolving the main problem.and when i think too much i start to think about every negative thing that might be happening and that makes me look like a psycho.i believe i should work on myself.to be honest i’m happy with my life but i do want him in my life.maybe because i know what i have done and i feel guilty and i think i am responsible to change and let him know that i’m not hurting him anymore. i think NC won’t help that much this time.cuz if we are not in touch ,how can he see the change? and i didn’t even wait until the meet ups .i never went out with him again to get a chance to reattract him.i know i should avoid any negative talks or thoughts and show him that i’m happy.
        thank you again guys i’d be really happy reading your comments

        • Dara July 12, 2014, 10:12 am


          I can sense positive attitude from you last comments. I also believe that doing NC is for guys who have shown neediness. However, reading Kevin’s comments (which I also agree with), anger also subsides while NC. Probably, you guys need to spend more time together. Do nice things for him. Most of guys easily forget bad memories. Cook for him. Invite him for something fun where you can laugh endlessly.

          Most girls act like guys need to change. I’m glad that you said you’ve changed! He will realize it little by little.

          In an ideal relationship, it a couple against the universe- not 2 singles against the universe. Anyway, I am sure that you know all these stuff better than us. All you need is to control that anger thing! LOL! When you feel angry about anything, hold you breath and count till 10. ha ha ha ha…

          You both love each other but this anger thing is some sort of tragedy! Hopefully it will end well!


          • a.z July 12, 2014, 11:29 am

            thank you very much dear Dara,yeah i never wanted to change this much.i found that if i keep going on like that i’m gonna be the one who is suffering from everything more than anyone.i need to change for my own good.when i can be a better person and feel good about my behavior,i’m sure he can feel that too.its not gonna be acting anymore.this time i want to change for real.i don’t want to hurt him and i don’t want to hurt myself. if i change,and he still doesn’t want me back then its ok. atleast there will be nothing left for me to regret about and i’ll know that i really did my best. feeling guilty is too hard to handle and i think when he sees that i have changed i can forgive myself.
            i hope kevin will respond to this.so i can be sure i’m doing the right thing.i really can’t make another mistake.if he suggest moving on,i will really do whatever to move on.

          • a.z July 12, 2014, 12:02 pm

            he just texted me and said you should promise me something…
            i said what?
            he said:that someday we will draw a city together.
            we used to do alot of drawings and he always wanted to draw a city but everytime something happened and we couldn’t. lol

          • Dara July 12, 2014, 11:03 pm

            Dear a.z.,

            Kevin already said what we all have been saying: heart-to-heart talk. I know its hard. You’re situation is like mine in this case! I don’t want to initiate contact because I am tired. I am tired of those head-games and me saying, “I love you”. “I love you”, with no response is tiresome. It really hard for me to imagine myself instead of your guy!

            a.z., your case is really not that tough! You just need to work on your conversation and ego issues! That’s all! There are guys here that have been cheated on! That a lot tougher to get dumped because one’s ex started a sneaky relationship with someone and when you were dumped they start their happy relationship! Be positive girl! That is easy for yourself and the guy who loves you! Why don’t you initiate talks on getting along? I truly recommend you to do that. Take some more initiative steps, please!

    • David July 13, 2014, 5:40 am

      Hiya a.z

      Festival David.

      Dont have anything else to add really, The other guys hit the nail on the head :). I think maybe you are thinking about his responses a bit too much Like Edward said, Then thats leading to negative responses and thats what he is saying is why you cant be together.

      Talking to him and staying calm will be the best way to show him how youve changed, take it slowly, carry on with your life and try not to think about “getting back together”..treat him as a good friend and hopefully because you wont be thinking about getting back together, you wont be thinking of the negative things that go with that.
      He will notice your attitude eventually

      And Im stealing Daniels quote because its another one I like :D
      “If you really love something let it go, if it comes back it’s forever yours. If it doesn’t it was never yours to begin with.”

      Good luck all :D

      • a.z July 13, 2014, 7:15 am

        thank you dear Dara and David,
        i can’t really use the heart to heart talk or say anything about getting back right now.i know he will say those reasons again not to get back and that will make the situation more difficult.i think first i need to show him that i have changed.
        i totally agree with what you said.i need to let go of things.i will be in touch with him but i’m not gonna be thinking about getting back so i won’t feel pressured.all i want to show him is that he can feel safe again when he is talking to me.and i believe i should take it slowly.
        thank you very much guys xoxo

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:58 am

      I think there’s a pretty good chance. He probably wants to get back together and he doesn’t want to lose you. He just can’t convince himself to get back together. He wants to see some change in you or an effort to make that change (not just words) so that he can convince himself to get back together. If anger is your issue, a great way to show that you are changing is start therapy. Alternatively, there are probably lots of books, courses etc. that you can get on anger.

      But I must emphasize, you should only work on this if you believe that this is really an issue with you. Perhaps, your anger is not really bad and he is only using it as an excuse for himself for not getting back while the real reason is something else altogether. Regardless, therapy is going to help you in either case.

      • a.z July 13, 2014, 11:33 am

        thank you so so much kevin,
        yeah your right and i’m really working on myself.i’m starting therapy and i will definitely buy some good books about this. i have been acting so bad and have been hurting him for nothing for a long period of time.and he never even said a bad word to me.i believe he really tried his best to be with me and he even begged me to stop what i was doing for like 100 times but all i was doing was getting worse and worse.actually there were things that i didn’t like in that situation but i really know i chose the wrong way to deal with that.this time i’m not gonna use words but i will show that i’m changing with my behavior.
        tbh,the reason for our breakup was my bad attitude.and i think he is scared to get back.and he kinda said the same thing. but i can never be 100% sure and maybe he is using it as an excuse.we will find about it later after i show him that i have changed. then if he make more excuses, i will totally move on.
        thank you very much kevin for your help and support x

        • Kevin July 13, 2014, 12:15 pm

          You’re welcome a.z. One book I highly recommend is “Non-violent Communications” by Marshall Rosenberg. All the best. :)

          • a.z July 13, 2014, 12:32 pm

            add to card. LOL, can’t wait to read it.thanks alot for everything.

  • kevin July 11, 2014, 2:53 pm

    I just had a small accident and my friend posted get well soon on my facebook wall, my ex girlfriemd saw that and called/texted me on facebook, i didnt answer because i am in no contact period, what should i do?? Should i tell her that i need aome time to figure things out?

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:47 am

      Just tell her you are OK. If she tries to prolong the conversation then tell her you need time and space.

  • k.w. July 11, 2014, 2:30 pm

    I am just wondering if its even realistic to get back with my ex. We broke up almost three weeks ago, and I found this website so happy that I did. We have not talked sense we broke up three weeks ago. We broke up because we started fighting alot over stupid stuff. We both got the stress of school get the both of us. Another thing this girl he works with who is much younger than he is started texted him. I guess he liked the attention, well anyways, this started back in April and its been going on for a while I think. They’ve snap chatted and everything. I was ready to break up because I was tired of it. On the day we broke up he mentioned that he has feelings for her, I completely shut down and was pissed and he said we should break up. Now yes I have stalked both of them on facebook, no indications of a relationship or anything like that. Now that’s its been three weeks I think about him constantly, but I go back and fourth with wanting to get back together and not wanting to. We talked about a future together. Were both 20 and were going to the same university in the fall. So please help I am just curious if its even reality to even try again.

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:46 am

      If you are going back and forth, then you should continue no contact till you are sure about what you want.

  • Sinead July 11, 2014, 1:41 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Me and my ex are both almost 40 and both have been single since we split up 3 years ago.

    I broke up with my ex 3 years ago when I had to relocate to a new city for work. I spent the first 18 months trying to make a new life for myself and in Jan 2013 I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. I spent the following 6 mths recovering. Last August, after 2 years of no contact, I made contact with my ex. He was really happy to hear from me and said he missed me too etc. But then I became extremely clingy (which is not like me at all), and proceeded to do everything I should NOT have done – REPEATEDLY. He then ignored every attempt at communication (I even called to his parent’s house once!!!).

    In Dec, after 4mts of him ignoring me, I texted him that I deserved to be treated with respect and not ignored etc. After that we texted each other happy new year and then 6 weeks later, in Feb, I texted him to let him know that a personal matter (which he knew about), had a positive outcome… No response from him again.

    In April I was back home and I asked him to meet me and he said he was busy. I then texted him about a violent incident that happened between us in the past (which we never really discussed). And even though I know it was an accident and I didn’t even really want, or need, to talk about it, I think I just used it as an excuse to try and force him to talk to me… He responded by denying that the incident ever even happened and asked me to STAY OUT OF HIS LIFE. We have been good friends for years before we got together and never really fallen out before…

    Please, please, help me Kevin, I really want him back.

    P.s. He is prone to severe bouts of depression and though this never affected our relationship in the past I think it may take him longer to process emotions and anyone else.

    • Sinead July 11, 2014, 2:14 pm

      P.p.s Kevin, It’s now been just over 3 months NC

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:31 am

      Hey Sinead,

      I am sorry to tell you this but your chances of getting him back are very less. It’s been 3 years, and you have repeatedly shown to him that you still want him back. You can try contacting him back again using the texts above. But again, your chances are back. You can perhaps make him start talking to you again, but it doesn’t mean he will come back to you.

  • Khine July 11, 2014, 12:20 pm

    I don’t see my comment that i gave yesterday. o.O

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:32 am


      Sorry, I can’t find your comment. Please post again and read the comments guidelines before posting.

  • julia July 11, 2014, 11:11 am

    Hi Kevin,

    I seriously don’t know what is happening with my comments. None of them appears on the website. Hope you receive this one.
    So I broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago. We were together almost 2 and a half years. I am 29 he is 28. Unfortunately I didn’t handle our break up that well and I ended up making some of the mistakes you mention. Now I have decided to follow the NC plan for as long as it takes. Especially when I recently found out he is seeing someone else. Which is way too fast if you ask me! In addition I will have to meet him next week at the airport since we had already booked our tickets while we were still together. I seriously don’t know how to react. I am still having such a hard time dealing with this break up!!!

    Please help…


    • Edward July 12, 2014, 5:15 am

      Hi Julia,

      If you can, I would try and return those tickets or cancel them. You two are not together anymore and you have to accept that fact. He is seeing someone and is most likely going to be a rebound, you should follow the plan and go NC. You still have a chance.

    • Kevin July 12, 2014, 7:29 am


      I’ve replied to your comment here.

      • julia July 12, 2014, 10:53 am

        Thank you Kevin for the reply. And you Edward as well.

        Regarding the girl he is seeing I know for a fact they’r not in a relationship. But I have a fear it might lead to a relationship. We basically broke up cause he was too stressed at work and my erratic behaviour didn’t actually help.

        We have a real special bond though and I really believe that we could have another chance. I really don’t know how long should I keep with the NC plan. Since I sent him an email (with no reply of course) a week before, I would say that I will need two more months?

        What do you think Kevin?

        • Kevin July 13, 2014, 11:08 am

          Hey Julia,

          There’s a checklist at the beginning of Step 4. Two months sounds good.

  • Patrick July 11, 2014, 9:51 am

    What if she sent a viber and fb message just asking how i am and telling me that i hope i am fine? It had just been a week of no contact. We broke up last june after 5 months of being together. We broke up while I’m vacationing for awhile in Canada which was a gracious gift i couldnt refuse from my aunt. I wish she would come but she wants to finish a year more before she graduates, while i graduated last march.
    I wish she would come with me but our relationship had been clandestine. It was because of my background that made our relationship a secret. We wanted to slowly tell everyone that we love each other and that it wouldnt matter what i once was because we both looked past that already.
    But apparently, something in her changed as I left for Canada. Because it was clandestine, the times we would meet prior to me leaving for awhile made her ‘tired of understanding our situation’ even though i constantly remind her that all will be just temporary, like a couple of weeks temporary. Long story short, i tried to give my all but she said she didnt feel any of it the month before i left.
    Now tonight I’m returning to my country, and she messaged me in fb and viber. And i am going crazy. I still didnt reply, but i badly want to

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:44 am

      Reply. She knows that you are coming back and she wants to get back in touch. Just be cool and don’t show any signs of neediness.

      • Patrick July 18, 2014, 7:56 pm

        Just saw your reply now. Havent replied to her yet even though I am back, well mostly because I had been too busy myself looking for a job and that our country was inflicted with a natural disaster recently.

        I plan to send a letter within this weekend instead. Will that help or should I just reply casually through viber or through text?

        • Patrick July 18, 2014, 8:14 pm

          By the way it has been almost three weeks of NC

  • Mohammed July 11, 2014, 6:45 am

    I want to send her a message to tell her I’m sorry. I’ve done all what I shouldn’t have done what to do what to do

    • Kevin July 12, 2014, 7:04 am

      Follow the plan Mohammed.

  • Dilip July 11, 2014, 2:25 am

    Hi kevin,

    My girl broke up with me on June 17th,we were in relationship for an year ,After having some dreadful situations I used to fight with her and when ever I get angry I used to scold her.This turned very weird .Every emotion that I showed on her was at peaks. I loved her too much and I showed my anger too much on her.I loved her more than myself.we broke up each other and she came to my relatives and said that she does not want to continue the relationship with me and Now I saw in her facebook that she is getting closer with one of his relatives and I got a chance to see her frequently called list her mobile and that was his number.Its Not even 2 weeks since we broke up,Immediately she went for other guy.DO you think that I can get her back??/