So, you have almost finished the no contact rule and you still want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend back.

It was hard at first. But somehow you managed to go 2 weeks, 30 days, 60 days or several months without contacting your ex.

You have even taken steps to improve yourself and become a better version of you. You are wondering what you should do after no contact because you still want your ex back and you really don’t want to lose him or her.

Congratulations! You have made it through one of the hardest phases of getting your ex girlfriend or your ex boyfriend back. Unfortunately, the part up ahead can be just as hard, if not harder.

Want to understand the bigger picture?

Read our in-depth Guides. They are both free and extremely popular on the internet.

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You need to have the right attitude going forward. You should have the right skills and tools at your disposal. And most importantly, you should have a plan.

In this article, I am going to list out 5 essential things you must do after no contact. I say essential because it’s very important you do them if you want your ex back permanently and you don’t want to lose them for good.

Why is it so important what you do after no contact is over?

What happens immediately after a breakup is usually a reaction. A reaction that comes out of instincts, neediness, desperation, immaturity or sometimes a power struggle.

But once you are done with no contact, things have settled down. What you do after no contact is important because this is the time when everything and everyone will show their true face.

What you do right now can either help you both get back together and end up in a great relationship. Or it can confirm that breaking up was the right decision.

To be honest, there is no way to know for sure what will happen in the future.

But if you play your cards right, make the right moves at the right time, you can increase the chances of ending up in a new and awesome relationship with your ex instead of losing him or her forever.

Alright, now that we have established how important it is what you do after no contact, let’s begin.

Essential #1: Have the Right Mindset

Having the right mindset is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of getting your ex back. And it’s something that almost everyone overlooks. I know because I have gone through thousands of cases of people trying to get back together.

So, if your instinct is to scroll down and move on to the second part of this article; think again. Having the right mindset is important. And if you don’t get this right, I can almost guarantee you will not succeed in getting your ex back and keeping him or her permanently.

OK Kevin, what’s the right mindset for getting your ex back?

When it comes to love, there are two types of people in the world. People with the scarcity mindset. And people with the abundance mindset.

If you have a scarcity mindset. You are always afraid of losing what you have because you believe there is not enough of it. You believe if you lose your loved ones, you will never find love again. You feel the same way about happiness. About wealth, and even about your health.

This is why people with the scarcity mindset always take action out of fear. Out of fear of losing the person they love.

Fear, is the greatest relationship killer of all time. The second relationship killers (Facebook and social media) are far behind it. Fear has so many titles under it’s belt; no one can even come close to challenging it. Here are some of the titles Fear displays in its hall of fame

  • Destroying relationships through insecurity
  • Destroying relationships through jealousy
  • Destroying relationships through anger
  • Destroying relationships through heated arguments and miscommunication
  • Destroying relationships through neediness and desperation

fear vs love
I digress.

The point is, fear kills relationships. And if it’s something that destroys relationships, it’s certainly not something that will help you reconcile and start a healthy relationship with your ex.

This is why you must adopt the abundance mindset.

People who have the abundance mindset believe there is unlimited love and happiness in the world. They are not afraid to run out of love and happiness because they know that there is more waiting right around the corner.

Wait, are these the type of people who go around breaking everyone’s heart because they are always looking for new people to love?

The answer is no. In fact, people like that are also acting out of fear. But talking about that will make me digress again. So, let’s get back to the topic.

People with abundance mindset are not afraid of losing their loved ones because they know they can always find love again. They are not afraid of being sad or hurt because they know they can find happiness again.

They don’t want to lose their loved ones. They don’t want to go through a heartbreak and the pain that comes with grief. No one wants that.

But the key difference between people with abundance mindset and scarcity mindset is the fact that they don’t act out of fear.

Instead, they act out of love, honesty and understanding. When you take fear out of the equation, it gets kind of easy to start and maintain a healthy relationship with a person of your choice.

When you are going to end no contact, you must be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for everything that might happen. And you mustn’t let fear dictate your actions and behavior.

For example, suppose you reach out to your ex via text. You get a negative response or you don’t receive a reply from your ex. At this point, you must make a choice and figure out your next course of action. The choice you make will depend on your mindset.

  • Scarcity Mindset: Your mind panics and you start trying to figure out what it means. You are scared that your ex has moved on completely and you feel sick to your stomach. Your mind races constantly trying to figure out what you should do because you are terrified of losing your ex forever. You panic more and you text them again. You somehow manage to control yourself for another 5 hours and you can’t take it anymore. You call your ex only to find out they are not picking up your calls either.
  • Abundance Mindset: You still panic. After all, the thought of losing your ex forever is scary. But you decide to not let this panicked state of mind dictate your actions. You refuse to let fear control your life. Instead, you decide to stick to your plan. If your ex doesn’t reply or give you a negative reply, you just give them more space. You do no contact again for a couple of weeks before trying again. And you remind yourself that there was always a chance this might happen and it’s still OK. You are still going to be fine and you are still going to find the love happiness you deserve.

See how different mindset leads to different reactions?

Having an abundance mindset does not necessarily mean you will stop feeling all those crazy emotions that have been programmed into your brain (your instincts). It means to feel those emotions and still decide to not let them control your actions.

Having the right mindset will help you in every step of the way. A lot of times, you will have to choose between

  1. Reacting out of fear; or
  2. Being honest, communicate effectively and show love.

I recommend you show love.

By the way, did I tell you about the all time champion duo of keeping a relationship alive, healthy and thriving?

honesty and communications

Fear doesn’t stand a chance against honesty and communication.

Checklist:

  • Ask yourself, are you emotionally and mentally ready to contact your ex?
  • Have you accepted that there are endless possibilities to find love and happiness in this world?
  • Do you think that you can love someone other than your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, then you are not yet ready to end no contact.

Essential #2 Have the Right Tools and Skills

You may have the right mindset, but it’s not always enough to get your ex back. After all, you and your ex broke up for a reason. Something in your relationship was broken and you need to have the right tools and skills to fix it.

Your old relationship is dead. If you and your ex get back together, it’s going to be a new relationship. But there is a good chance the old issues you had in the relationship will rise again. And this is one of the biggest hurdle your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend has in their mind.

“We always fought. If we get back together, things will be fine for a while and then we will fight again.”

“I loved my ex. But I did not feel the same way about him/her during the end of the relationship. I guess I just don’t find them attractive anymore.”

“I just don’t think I connect with my ex anymore. It’s like we are different people.”

All these doubts in your ex’s mind can be tackled if you have the right tools and skills to SHOW them things will be different this time. It’s important that you show them that you are capable of making changes instead of just telling them that you can.

This is why you need the right skills and tools when you are tackling these doubts.growth mindset vs fixed mindset

Here are some of the examples of tools and skills that usually make or break a relationship.

Communication

It’s an essential skill that everyone should have. Every couple argues. But the difference between couples who thrive and couples who fall apart is effective communication. If you can learn how to communicate with your partner effectively, you can turn your new relationship with your ex into something beautiful.

How to communicate effectively in a relationship is beyond the scope of this article. But here are some resources that will help.

Non – Violent Communications by Marshall B. Rosenberg. – An excellent book on effective communications. I highly recommend this to all my clients. Seriously, reading this book will make you a pro at handling conflict.

–  Improving Communication Skills – An interesting article which teaches basics of effective communication.

Effective Communication during a conflict – An article that teaches how to communicate effectively during a conflict.

Of course, none of the above resources will teach you specifically how to communicate with your ex during conflict. I’ll soon release an in-depth article on that very soon. Meanwhile, check out my detailed guide on texting your ex.

Self Confidence

Being confident in yourself is one of the most attractive traits anyone can have. Think about it for a moment. Your ex is definitely attracted to you physically. If they weren’t; they would never have started a relationship with you in the first place. But a lot of people lose their confidence during the course of a relationship. They start displaying lack of confidence through insecurity, neediness or desperation. If your ex lost attraction to you during the course of your relationship, there’s a good chance it was due to lack of confidence.

Luckily, confidence can be rebuilt using the right tools and making changes in your life. One of the fastest way to do so is by getting therapy and accepting yourself. You can also choose to read some books on building your self confidence. Here’s one book that I recommend for building your self-esteem.

Having a solution for the logistics

A lot of times, couples break up due to circumstances. Sometimes, due to distance, due to lack of time, due to lack of efforts.

In most cases, your ex will not consider getting back with you unless the circumstances have changed or you can SHOW them a solution for the problem that the circumstances created.

For example, suppose your relationship with your ex deteriorated because you were too much focused on your new business venture and you didn’t have time to spend with your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. If that’s the case, you must be able to SHOW your ex that you have learned to manage your time effectively and have set your priorities straight.

A simple way of showing them this is by using the extra time to do other activities that help you grow like going to the gym, pursuing a hobby, meeting a therapist etc. By showing them that you are spending time on things other than your business, you are showing them that circumstances and your priorities have changed and by extension, things will be different when you get back together.

Another common example is when a divorce is getting in the way of your new relationship. In this case, it will be ideal if you settle things with your ex wife or husband before ending no contact.

Checklist:

Before contacting your ex, you should have improved in at least two of the following:

  • Your Confidence Level
  • Your Communication Skills
  • Your Career
  • Your Time Management Skills
  • Your Passion

Essential #3 Make the first Move After No Contact

No contact alone will not be enough to get your ex back. Sure, it can make your ex miss you. It can even make them doubt the breakup. But unless someone initiates contact after no contact is over; you and your ex will not get back together.

A lot of people resist towards the idea of making the first move. Here are some of things I hear from my readers.

  • “Wouldn’t contacting my ex show that I am weak?”
  • “I want him to contact me first. I don’t want to look like I am chasing him.”
  • “I don’t want my ex to have the upper hand. If I contact her first, she will have the upper hand.”
  • “I want him to think that he is chasing me, instead of me chasing him.”
  • “I don’t want to look insecure in front of my ex. Wasn’t she supposed to contact me after no contact?”

If you think the same way, I want you to go back to the first and second part of this article and read them again. If you want to rebuild your relationship, you must not let fear dictate your actions.

There are two major concerns here. Not wanting to look needy and wanting to have the upper hand (power and control over the situation).

Let’s look at both of them.

Not looking needy in front of your ex

It’s true if you keep contacting your ex after a breakup, it makes you look needy, insecure or desperate. In fact, it’s one of the deadly mistake I talk about in this article on getting your ex back.

But things are very different after no contact. Especially if you have made a lot of changes in yourself. If you have acquired the right mindset, the right tools, the right skills to approach this situation; then contacting your ex will not come off as needy.

Consider these two attitude

“I want my ex back at any costs. This is my last chance and I want to do everything perfectly. I don’t want to lose my ex because my life is miserable without him/her.”

If this is your mindset right now and you contact your ex, then there is a good chance you will come off as needy. Even if you use the right text messages to contact your ex and you somehow fake it; your ex will eventually figure out what’s really going on inside you and will end up ignoring you or even blocking you.

On the other hand, consider this attitude

“I want to contact my ex because I truly believe that we can start a new beautiful relationship. I’ve learned a lot and changed into a better person. Hopefully, my ex has as well. I want to give it another try and see if the new relationship will be different this time. If it works, I’ll be glad I initiated contact. If it doesn’t, I’ll know I tried my best and there isn’t anything else I can do.”

If you truly believe that, then nothing you send will come off as needy. Even if they initially think you are contacting them out of neediness, you will soon prove them wrong by your actions and words. What comes out of your mouth or your fingers (via texts) will automatically make you look confident because you are confident and you have the right tools and skills to handle this.

Having The Upper Hand

I get it. It feels like having your ex contact you first will give you a sense of power over the situation. After feeling helpless and hopeless for so long, having your ex contact you is a good sign. A sign that things might work out in the future. A sign that your ex still has feelings for you.

But consider this.

I have seen a lot of cases where an ex contacts first but they still didn’t end up back together. And I have seen so many cases where my readers and clients contacted first and they ended up getting back together.

If I have to rate the correlation of your ex contacting you first with getting back together on a scale of 1 to 10.

I’d rate it a solid 1.5.

That means your ex contacting you first has almost no effect on reconciliation.

Like I said above, your mindset is the biggest factor in getting your ex back. And the second biggest factor is your skills and tools.

Make the first move or wait for eternity?

In a lot of cases, your ex will not contact you at all. They might think that you have moved on and might be preparing to move on themselves.

If you never contact them, they will eventually assume you have moved on.

Moreover, how long are you willing to wait for them to contact you? A couple of months? Six months? A year? Your entire life?

This whole process of wanting to get back together is both emotionally and mentally exhausting. The longer you wait, the more stress you accumulate.

When you are ready, you should contact your ex to see if it works. If it doesn’t, you should move on.

Remember, you are just trying to get back together. You are trying to see if things will work out now that you have changed into a better version of yourself. It doesn’t mean that you will wait for your ex to come back for eternity.

You need to have self-respect. You need to respect your time. And that means making the first move when you are ready. It means taking action instead of sitting around and wait for a great romantic relationship to fall on your lap.

What to Say To Your Ex After No Contact Rule?

This is where it gets tricky. Most people are so confused about what to say to their ex after no contact rule; they end up delaying it. Fortunately, I’ve got you covered in that area. Here’s a three step process to find out what to say to your ex boyfriend or girlfriend after no contact rule.

Step 1 : Figure out which medium suits you best

I usually recommend one of these three mediums to contact your ex.

  1. Texting
  2. Emails
  3. Hand Written Letter

But in some rare cases you can also choose to just call your ex on the phone.

You should choose the best medium to contact your ex by considering how you used to communicate and whether or not your ex blocked you before no contact.

Step 2: Find Out What You Must Say

This will depend on how bad your breakup was and how many mistakes you made after the breakup. If you acted very needy and desperate after the breakup; you should use the elephant in the room text mentioned in this article on texting your ex back.

If you parted on good terms, you can use one of the memory texts mentioned in that article.

Step 3: Say What you have to say with Confidence

Once you have decided what medium you are going to use and what you have to say; just go ahead and say it. If you have done everything right till now; the response you get from your ex is going to be positive. If not; just do no contact again and try after a couple of weeks.

Checklist:

  • Be brave enough to make the first move.
  • Figure out which medium you should use to contact your ex.
  • Figure out the most appropriate message to send your ex. (Read this article)
  • Send your first contact message to your ex and hope for the best.

Essential #4 Make the Right Moves and Escalate

Alright, so you’ve made the first move by contacting your ex after no contact. Your ex has responded positively and you are planning to continue texting and rebuild the attraction, connection and trust with your ex.

If you have done everything right till now, the next part should come easy. Here’s a breakdown of things you should keep in mind.

Increase the time you spend speaking with each other slowly

When you first contact your ex after no contact, you want to come off as a little bit aloof and have a light-hearted conversation (unless you need to use the elephant in the room approach).

Once you’ve done that, you want to back off for a few days and text them again. But this time, you talk for a little bit more time.

The next time you speak, you want the conversation to last a little longer.

You do this slowly and steadily so that your ex gets used to speaking with you again. You want them to speak to you first thing in the morning and the last conversation before going to bed. You want them to feel like you are lovers.

But it’s not going to happen unless you become close and personal

Increase the intensity of the conversation

You can’t always keep the conversations light-hearted. You want your ex to feel a strong connection with you. And no one feels a connection with someone they only have casual conversations with.

This is when you get close and personal. You speak about your feelings and you encourage them to speak about their feelings. You talk about your fears, desires, successes and failures. You open up to them and be vulnerable.

Read some examples on how to do this in this article.

Take the conversation to a more personal medium

When it comes to the medium you are using to communicate with your ex; it goes something like this

Social Media >>> Emails >>>> Texts >>>>> Phone Calls >>>>>> Video Calls >>>>Face to Face

You should strive to get more and more personal with them. If you are just emailing them immediately after no contact, you want to be texting them after a couple of weeks.

If you have been texting for a few weeks, you should be trying to get on a phone call.

If you have been speaking on the phone, you should try to meet them or get them on a video call (if you are in a long-distance relationship).

Always strive to move forward. But do it slowly and subtly.

Checklist:

Essential #5 Have Difficult Conversations

This section is extremely important if you don’t want to end up in the dreaded friendzone with your ex. Your ex might be speaking to you normally and they might even show some signs that they still love you or want to get back together.

But your ex still has a lot of doubts in their mind about wanting to get back together. You need to address those doubts. And you need to do it effectively.

Remember how we talked about having the right skills and tools for the job? This is where it comes in.

If you are skilled at communicating effectively in a relationship, this part should come to you easily. Also, if you have done the leg work; become more confident, attractive, successful and more suitable for a relationship; this part should come in easy.

But you must have the courage to speak about it. I see a lot of my readers making the mistake of trying to avoid these serious issues that are probably bothering your ex. Issues that were probably the reason you guys broke up in the first place.

If you try to avoid talking about those issues, your ex is likely going to think nothing has changed. This will make you look weak and manipulative. Avoiding any kind of serious talk with your ex is going to push them away.

Instead you should learn to talk about those sensitive topics in a calm and rational way. You should have proof to show them how things are different now. And you should never end these serious conversations by talking about getting back together.

“Hey, I’ve changed this about myself and things will be different now. Want to get back together?”

If you talk about getting back together after having a conversation about a serious issue between you and your ex; you end up making it look like you have only changed just to get back together.

This makes everything you have done until now manipulative and insincere. This immediately makes your ex put up their defenses and undo all the hard work you have done till now.

So, how do you approach this?

You just state the fact and address the issue. You don’t say that you want them to get back together. If the issue is specifically about getting back together; you always tell them that even though you want to get back together; you don’t think it’s a good idea to rush into things.

You let them know that you are as skeptical about getting back together as they are. You want a healthy relationship that lasts a long time. Something that’s built on solid foundation. And you should mean that.

Checklist:

  • Avoid being friendzoned by your ex girlfriend or boyfriend by addressing the serious issues.
  • Refer to Essential no. 2 to learn how to communicate effectively and resolve these issues.

To recap; here is what to do after no contact if you want your ex back.

  1. Step 1: Have the right mindset. (The most important step. Here’s what I mean)
  2. Step 2: Develop the right skills and have the right tools to fix your relationship. (Here are some examples)
  3. Step 3: Make the first move to restart contact. (Make sure you don’t look needy or desperate).
  4. Step 4: Escalate conversations
  5. Step 5: Have difficult conversations

And if you haven’t yet, make sure you read my article on how to get your ex girlfriend back or how to get your ex boyfriend back.

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66 Comments on "5 Essential Things You Must Do After No Contact (If You Really Want Your Ex Back)"

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Joco
Joco

We (both in our 40s) are weeks past no contact, but I feel like we are stuck in second gear. We have had dinner twice (casual), coffee/dessert, do the same exrecise bootcamp every week, bumped into each other at church and sat together, and one social event together but she has a heavy wall up. Basically about one time a week together. Do I go back to no contact (maybe 7- 10 days) and then address the elephant in the room with a letter (about what I’ve learned and that I don’t want the old relationship back, etc to address her skepticism) or no contact and try again to get her to an event together again?

Jake
Jake

We are both in high school, do not share the same classes. We take part in the same extracurricular activities.*

My ex girlfriend and I dated for a solid month before she broke up with me. We broke up because she wanted to find herself and she was going through a tough time, and the break up itself was civil with no fighting or arguing. I immediately went into no contact for 2 months. She then contacts me after a month during that period and asks if we can be friends, but then we both agreed we needed time from each other, but yes we can be friends.

It was still within those 2 months, despite agreeing on being friends, we didn’t contact each other since then and we often ignored each other when we passed by each other in the hallways. Recently about 2 weeks ago, we made eye contact, saw each other in our extracurricular activity practice after school and walked passed each other the entire time. That bothered her as she messaged me telling me that and then asking to meet up and talk.
The summary of our talk: We caught up, agreed to still be friends, ensured we still cared about each other. Since then we haven’t ignored each other, but I have taken steps to have lengthier conversations through text and wave at her when we pass each other.

I definitely know for a fact she still cares about me and possibly loves me. So, my question is, what can I do now to increase my chances of getting back with her at this point?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems like she still does have feelings for you, which is why she was affected when she saw you. I suggest continue with what you’re doing to slowly build attraction again.

Jack
Jack

My ex and I dated for a month. When we broke up, we both talked about it the day after it happened and she explained that she just needed to find herself but still remain as friends (saying she doesn’t want the break up to affect us negatively.). I started doing No Contact since I did want her back, and I really did help myself to keep myself busy and improve my self-care. During the No Contact, we saw each other every long once in a while since we are both in High School in between classes, but I’d pass right by her sort of ignoring her. After 2 months, she contacts me saying she wanted to talk and rebuild our friendship. She explained she was bothered by how we ignore each other and never talk anymore. She said she does care about me but she is still finding herself, and we both know we care about each other a lot. At this point I’m just letting things flow naturally, but I honestly don’t know what I could do to improve our connection and hopefully get back together. (I do love her, but I only hope for the best that we can get back together, if not I won’t mind us being friends at all because I do care for her :). ).

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Being friends would always work in your favor as opposed to ignoring each other regardless. Take it a step at a time, and it’s good that you don’t feel desperately inclined to get back together. You should maintain this attitude and slowly build the attraction again.

Jay
Jay

I met a guy we dated for 5 months, am a student so he asked me to concentrate on my studies that if have settled everything he will come back to me but he told me he has reconciled with his girlfriend he has been dating for 2 years he said he wants the best for me but he still chat me up but I don’t call him or message him,the thing now is that he flaunt his ex girlfriend on social media,i still love him my friends
said I should block him but I can’t I get hurt seeing them together.. please advise me on what to do

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might want to seriously consider the possibility to moving on. In this case, there might be a chance that you were the rebound relationship and what he felt for you could not replace his feelings for his ex, which resulted in reconciliation.

Meghan
Meghan

I was friends with a guy for 3 years
Then we kissed he said it was a mistake after I told him I like him. In few days I found that he is dating so I cut him off for good. From that time he is always trying to contact me through stupid replies on Instagram and stuff like that I don’t answer him. Today I answered with one word. He is still dating. I want him to regret what he did like fell Inlove because I want him deep inside
What should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might have to accept the likelihood that he does not love you, as you and him have only been friends thus far with the exception of one kiss, which ended the friendship altogether. If you really want him to be with you, perhaps try dating first to build up a strong romantic connection first.

Meghan
Meghan

I don’t think that he is interested in dating
He just keeps on sending me mixed signals after I completely cut him off
The kiss didn’t just happen,we used to go out as friends for one week and it. Was very flirty
His kiss was planned
I am sure 100% from the eye it happened
That’s why I am really confused
What should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If he has no interest in dating, then it probably would not work since he won’t be willing to date you in the first place. Winning back a person requires having to have had a relationship with that person, as its the memories and moments through the relationship with you that would make him want to come back. If there was no relationship in the first place, you would actually have to build that up first, and give him a reason to come back to you.

shifa
shifa

so in my no conact phase should i block my ex from everywhwere or should i unblock him and upload good and happy photos so that he understand that there is no change in my life ….

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should not block him and aim to make positive changes to your life, while subtly showing off these changes on social media so that he sees it and that may cause him to think of you.

josh
josh

My girlfriend and I are from diferrent countries. we were forced to have distance relationship for a while but we had bigger plan to live together me to go where she was. The last month of distance we has a big misunderstood and she told me not to go there it ll be better for me to stay at my country and found more work options. I went to her place and she tried to push me awa she was cold to me and she told me she had to. This created lots of arguments.Eventually we were again good and i went to my country for christmas.After two weeks of holidays i told her i m excited to go back and found a new job at her town better one.She told me we break up again.I went there again, and we fight a lot.At my way back she told me she still loves me but we have to break up.I went to my country and we continue to share camera and texts and phone calls.After sometime she tells me we have to cut all of contact for a while cause she feels i can t accept situation we argued again but i couldn t do anything.I texted her every week.Sometimes she was warm and caring others she was cold or reply after long time and tellin me shes still angry for some things or not reply at all.After she didn t reply me i decided it was meaningless and best way is to give time. I ve been doing non contact for a month so far.I was trying to apologise to her for my part of fault but she wasn t listen and she was saying now it changes nothing..

what should be my next move? leave more time? or trying to approach her now to see how she is

thank you

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since it has been a month, you could always contact her and based on her response towards you and the fact that this it is a long distanced relationship, if her response remains negative, you might want to consider moving on instead.

Sarah
Sarah

I dated a man for 5 months. We spent a lot of time together and enjoyed everything we did together. A couple weeks ago he wanted to go exclusive and I said, “No.” I felt I still needed a sense of freedom to be just me and be able to date others if compelled (I ended a 10 year relationship a year and half ago.) I told him I like him a lot, he wasn’t “casual” for me yet an exploratation into a long term partner yet I wasn’t ready yet to be exclusive.

A few days ago he respectfully broke it off saying it’d be excruciatingly painful to date me knowing I may be dating others. We cancelled our weekend plans, a party we were planning together, my birthday celebration… he said normally he doesn’t keep people he’s dated as friends, but wants for us to remain friends. I asked if he wanted a period of NC and he said 2 weeks would be long enough (he didn’t feel we needed months of a transition period to friendship.) I agreed and told him I’d leave it to him to reinitiate contact in a couple weeks. (He did not return a bunch of things I have at his house at the end of our conversation.)

I’ve been extraordinarily sad. NC is very difficult. I miss him. NC has put into perspective that I do have strong feelings for him and that I e allowed my fear to keep me from going “all in” with him. I fear I’ve lost him.

Requesting feedback on this situation, please.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be honest, if this NC period has shown you how much he means to you, you could always let him know since he only ended things because he felt you didn’t want to get serious with him. Communicate your feelings across and see how things work out from there.

Sarah
Sarah

Thank you. Should I respect the NC time or get in touch sooner? (And what is your PayPal addy? I’d like to compensate you for your advice.)

Daina
Daina

My ex, he was so sweet in the begining of the relationship ,we talk and discuss about future and stuff.But then we had lot of fights,we were on n off lyk a 100 tyms,usually i breakup then he comes back and things goes back to normal,but for a few months he was cold,he talks only when he misses me.Else there is no reply even when i would want to talk.One day when we were talking,he says he isn sure about this.So i move out and there was no defense from his side n no pacification.Then he comes back and says he wants to be friends and needs some to talk to.But i am following NC.Will that work

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Avoid using breaking up as the first ultimatum in the future because this often tends to happen where your partner gets immune to it after awhile and it may eventually not matter to him at all. NC may help him to genuinely start missing you, but it could also lead to him walking away thinking it is one of your ‘patterns’ like before. It would really depend on how much he valued the relationship, and where he stands on the relationship now.

Sara
Sara

My boyfriend broke up with me after an almost 2 years long relationship because he Could not fall in love with me. He liked me a lot and We had a great relationship with zero fight and with lot of beautiful memories but he couldn’t love me. He broke up in the end of March and I started No contact from april 15 after I tried to make him to change his mind (I know, it was wrong and I shouldn’t beg him). He hasn’t reach out and I have the feeling that he has already a new girl friend. Should I ever contact him? Is there any hope? Should I give up him because he doesn’t love me? I feel so bad so I wish to die! I love him and I miss him so badly. Please give me your best tip!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Continue with NC until the end, and consider your options again. If you still have feelings for him, then initiate contact with him and see how he responds to you.

MyNewChapter
MyNewChapter

Hey,
so about 3 weeks ago I and my girlfriend broke up over text. I’m still a teenager but I love her a lot. I see her regularly in high school since we have a couple classes together. 3 weeks ago she told me that she felt that we rushed things and that she felt we should’ve been friends longer. She also told me that she felt that I didn’t understand her. Since then I’ve been doing the no contact period(its been about 2 weeks now) and I’ve been going through some mental changes. I felt that I may have been a little insecure about her since I asked her many times if she really liked me or not. Anyhow, I’ve been restoring my self-confidence now and I feel that I’ve really changed. I really would just like some advice from you guys. I think I understand what I have to do now though.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Continue with building your confidence and positive changes, and if you still want her back after NC, then you could always try to initiate contact again.

IsThereHope?
IsThereHope?

Hi!

About 2 months ago my ex girlfriend wasn’t sure about us ’cause I hurt her, saying that she needs space. I didn’t give it to her, thinkin’ that I’ll lose her forever… then I acted needy, I begged, I pleaded for a couple of weeks for an another chance to prove her wrong. But then she really wanted to give me that chance, she ended in overanalyzing things sayin’ that I’m incapable of change, that my words doesn’t match my actions and she doesn’t believe in me/us anymore. At first, she was reluctant, saying that “perhaps when we fix ourselves/problems we can be something again”; “there’s light chance that we will be together again in the future”, “maybe she’ll regret her choice about leaving”, but along the way as I acted needy and all that for a couple of a weeks, she started saying that “she doesn’t want to see me anymore”. “That it’s done for all”. “That she had to realise before that I can’t change”… and other stuff (I made mistakes acting needy). And on our last encounter, I said that if she wants to go, I’ll let her… then she hugged me and kissed me for the last time, and in that night she sent me some pictures about her grades… That was the last time when I talked to her. Then, I was thinkin’ to do the no-contact for myself and I get it through. During the no-contact, I accidentally met her 2 times in one day, it can’t be helped… ’cause we attend the same university. She didn’t said anything to me, slightly looked at me, then she walked past me; I didn’t said anything, either. After doing no-contact/radio silence for the past 30 days (she didn’t contact me at all during this time), I’ve really matured some way… I have somewhat a different mindset.

With the hope of trying to reconnect with her, today I sent her “the elephant in the room text “Hi, while I was with my friends eating some ice cream made me think of you. I just wanted to apoligize for my behaviour “over those past days”. I was emotional and I wasn’t myself. I think that the breakup at that time was a right choice. I started to rediscover all that I have forgot, my qualities, my values, my standards, self-esteem, my dreams and what’s really matters in life. And, I started to do some new really interesting stuff! I hope you’re doing well!”

As I sent her the message on facebook, I saw that she only “seen” the message, but she hasn’t replied. I should wait and try again? Or I should lose hope?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps wait for a couple of days, since she might not know what to say or reply at this point. It could also still be too soon, and she feels negatively towards you. Try again in a week or two if she does not reply, before considering the option that she may not be ready to talk to you yet, in which case you could either wait or walk away.

Wanderlust
Wanderlust

I love your page! My ex and I dated almost a year, rarely fought, and our friends/family supported the relationship. Before the one year mark he started pulling away, we talked about it and agreed to work on it, however a week later he said it wasnt worth trying because he didn’t love me anymore. His decision to break up occurred over a 4 day period. I was very upset, but there wasn’t a fight nor did i beg him to come back. Afterwards he checked in the following day and then I had my no contact period of a month. He never reached out, but liked my new FB pic and was watching my stories. After 3 weeks, he unfriended me from FB even though he keeps his other exes on it. I had not liked nor commented on his page nor had i done any negative posts. I followed your rules! He also removed me from a subscription service that same weekend, so I would not have access to it. I sent my first text this week and he responded friendly to it and I plan to send another one 3 days later. My questions are twofold: What would motivate him to unfriend me on FB and remove my access to the subscription service? There had been no negative interactions and no contact for 3 weeks when he did that. Second, assuming he continues to respond to my texts, how do i know it’s time to escalate to a call? Also, he doesn’t like talking on the phone. Should i jump to a meeting in person instead of a call? I have things to get back and give him, but don’t want to mention that yet bc it’s quite transactional. However, would that be a good way to see him? I’m hoping i have a good chance at reigniting his feelings bc we were really good together. Thank you for all of your advice. Your page and youtube videos have helped me immensely!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He might have blocked you off and removed your access because coming across your profile or things that reminded him of you may have been affecting him more than you think. To answer your second question, start to build a friendly relationship with him through texts first and if he’s responding positively and frequently, if he really doesn’t like phone calls, perhaps if things feel comfortable enough, initiate a meetup over coffee or something to catch up.

Hannah
Hannah

my boyfriend broke up with me after feeling like he wasnt ready for a relationship. I was heartborken and “tried” my best to tell him we were perfect together after that i saw sence and started no contact 2 weeks in he contacted me just asking if i had been okay and i was possitive and said im good and just asked how he was and his family and to have a great weekend. after that i never contacted him and still havnt yet its been around 3 weeks no contact. When is best to make a move and any ideas what i could say to start things off?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could have a look at our main website’s article or this one for things to do after no contact and when would be the best time to initiate it.

Jonathon Folz
Jonathon Folz

My ex and i have been together for over 5 years. The first few years were amazing. However over the last 1 or 2 she has broken up with me several times for not feeling like i would commit as well as feeling neglected and that i was drinking too much. I was always so focused on getting her back that i only changed for a week or so and never actually changed for me. We moved in and lived together for about a month until she broke up with me again for the same reasons for the most part. The first week or two i spent begging and pushing her away she also blocked me on social media. I have now done no contact for about a week amd am actually making the necessary changes for me. Befor i entered no contact she said she was done and wanted to move on and stuff, i guess she wouldnt have left me if that wasn’t the case. I am shooting for 30 days of no contact. Any advice or positive words would help

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hang in there. There’s always a chance since the key issue was your issue with neglecting her and drinking too much. You might want to consider spending this time working on those issues since they would assist you in winning her back when the time comes.

Justin
Justin

Ok so here’s my situation. Me and my ex broke up a month and a half ago and I have been doing no contact for 3 weeks now and I’m almost finished my fourth and final week. During the 3rd week of no contact my ex tried to reach out to me 3 times, each time cleverly asking questions that I was obliged to answer because I was the only one who could, then trying to go off onto a different topic. One of the times she even went off to ask if I was upset with her (to which I answered no). I answered all of her questions (after at least 4 hours of letting it sit) and respectfully avoided any of her other attempts to have a conversation. However, I did technically break the no contact rule in answering these questions and I was wondering if I need to restart my no contact or if I should just continue with the one I am currently in?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Just finish up the remaining period of no contact since she was the one who initiated contact with you, so technically it wasn’t you who broke it.

Karma
Karma

Hi,my ex boyfriend broke up with me in less than two months just because we barely see each other and we rarely talk much. So far I’ve been doing the no contact for one week now ,is there any possibilities I will get him back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on how serious the relationship was, but the fact that you barely see each other or talk at all might mean that he would find it easier to let go of it than to hold on.

hayley
hayley

my ex boyfriend and i split up 3 weeks ago. within the first week i begged and cried and after two weeks i ended up sending a messaging about how much i miss him and how good i was for him, he replied and said he doesn’t want to talk and that he’s over me. now we’ve been broken up for 3 weeks and i’ve being doing no contact for over a week now. we were together 14 months until he had to move away four hours to university, im 17 and he is 19. we fought a lot before he moved. we were each other’s first everything and had a loving relationship. i’m going to finish no contact but i have no clue what message to send him to start off with. any ideas?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could always start with something casual, either a random topic of how something you saw the other day reminded you of him and you just wanted to check on how he’s been the past couple of weeks since the break up, before eventually addressing the breakup itself and acknowledging your flaws as well as the breakup itself.

Emma
Emma

Hi there, I need some advice. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago (he was afraid of the next step). I’ve been doing NC for about 2 weeks. He wants to talk to me, and I’m worried that it’s for him to get closure or clear his conscience. I’m also worried that if he sees me doing well he will think that the break up was a good thing and will leave it this way. I’m not sure how to approach this. I’m 30, we were together for about 2.5 years. Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Humans don’t usually have a naturally selfless mindset especially in a relationship, and think the breakup was a good thing upon seeing how well you’re doing. It’s usually the opposite, and they start to wonder if they made a mistake in leaving because your ex was ultimately once in love with you. Seeing how well you are, and in no way reminding him of the past (all the bitter memories leading to the breakup) can easily come across as attractive to your ex.

Emma
Emma

Thank you, Ryan, you’ve been helpful.

Dave
Dave

Two weeks ago today my fiancee broke off our engagement.
In the last month before the breakup, she was very often asking me with more frustration, why wasn’t I listening or understanding what she was telling me.
Unfortunately I never had the right answer or I’d tell her things would improve. When they didn’t her anger and frustration increased till she finally had enough and declared it to be over.
Before and after the breakup, I was constantly beating myself up because admittedly I wasn’t listening to her and I almost convinced myself that I had become a selfish narcissist.
Almost a week later I set an appointment with a hearing specialist because I had been wanting to do so and had sometime on my hands. About 5 years ago I was given a very basic hearing test and was told that I had some hearing loss in my left ear but not to worry about it.
The results were very disturbing. I have a significant to profound hearing loss in both ears. But the right ear which the left side of our brains uses to understand and process voice and sounds is worse.
The worse part is that I can’t hear to well or process many high frequencies for example, the pitch in a woman’s voice, things she might say or think I was listening to or many other things which have high frequencies.
I now have hearing aids at the age of 54. Will be in a long process of retraining my ears and brain to actually listen and understand what others are saying to me and how to respond back without sounding frustrated or won’t have to keep asking people to repeat things over.
Bottom line is I really would like to have back the lady I fell in love with and who fell in love with me.
Am willing to do whatever it takes to improve my communication skills because now I know that it wasn’t just my insecurities that caused the breakup. Feel that my lack of hearing caused many of my insecurities.
Is having a hearing disability enough for someone to forgive another and start again fresh one day?
Would appreciate any advice.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on how serious the relationship was, and how much you meant to her too. If she saw a future in you, she should accept that your lack of listening to what she said wasn’t because you didn’t care but from an actual disability. You could have an honest chat with her, and tell her how you feel as well as the issues you’ve been facing and see if she’s willing to give things a second chance.

BC
BC

My ex and I went on a break about a month ago (her suggestion). We both broke the NC rule fairly quickly and saw each other once or twice during that month. Still, we both tried somewhat to stick to the NC rule, contacting one another only after not having spoken for a few days at a time (I see now that that shouldn’t have been allowed). After the month duration she decided that we shouldn’t get back together. Something inside her was missing (she thinks somethings wrong with her for it) and preventing her from giving me the full 100%. That it wasn’t fair to me, that I deserved to have the 100% that I had been giving her. I get, and also now want, a legit NC period for my own self growth as there are things I’ve come to realize that I need to be better aware of myself in a relationship. I also agree that I want someone who knows they want 100% to be with me as I’ve chosen to be with them. I’ll be meeting up with her this weekend to give back things/pickup things (clothing, etc.) and here in lies my question. We’re giving back/returning to one another all of each others things aside from gifts, etc. but she’s already specifically said that there is a shirt of mine that she really wants to keep. I know it reminds her of me (there was a time when she would continuously give it back to me to wash so that it would continue to smell like me) and she only ever sleeps in it. I haven’t worn it in over a year as it’s always been much more her shirt than mine and I’ve actually enjoyed that she wants to wear it to be close to me. I still want what’s best for her and for her to be happy (she hate’s herself for all this right now, she thinks I’m perfect and that there should be no reason she cant be there 100% emotionally). I want her to heal/love herself but would love to eventually get her back in the future. We’d been together over a year and she’s the only one I’ve ever seen a legit future with. What I want to know is if, from a standpoint of strategy/intent/to make a point/etc., is that something that I should allow her to keep or should I take it back with the others? Would it be beneficial in the long run for us if she were to keep it as something that reminded her of me, of us, etc? Appreciate the feedback, thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes it probably would be beneficial. As opposed to cleanly severing all ties with you and returning everything back, letting her keep the t-shirt may remind her of you from time to time, so she doesn’t truly forget you and it gives her the opportunity to think of you, and to increase your chances down the road if you were to consider something again.

James
James

Hi all,
Me and my ex broke up just after Christmas,after the usual b.s. i applied no contact, after the month i tested saying i was accepting of the break up, was a Mac mass before and after, have been bettering myself and maybe if right we could catch up.
Rewind to the previous day, I’d just been sacked and four days earlier my ex wife(not current ex) moved my kids away.To cut a long story short, I accidentally met my current ex at the hospital.She said hello, rubbed my arm, not knowing i was a patient but out of sympathy for my job loss.We talked, I told her part of me wanted to be with her but I was willing to go for a coffee and chat sometime, we had a few jokes, I ended the conversation and then asked should i text about meeting or her, she said she would. Have i lost ground here.
P.S. the next day a mutual friend asked if my ex could get some things for me from my house,I agreed, and she did, we spoke and joked but kept it short.
Thanks in advance,James.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should take a step back for now, and let things unfold on its own. Take some time and effort to find a new job, and stabilize your situation before you try contacting your ex again.

Rosie
Rosie

I just had a really bad break up after 3.5 years. I moved into my boyfriends’ house and and the end he took me to court and evicted me. He was very vindictive and cold. I just moved a few days ago and now he’s crying and saying sorry and acknowledging all the mistakes he has made. During our relationship he has never acknowledged his mistakes and blamed me for the whole thing. He left a really big wound. He got on tinder months before I moved and began dating now he’s seeing someone. I saw him with her and confronted him and he insulted me. I almost ended up at the hospital

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re better off walking away from this to be fair to yourself because of how poorly he had treated you. If he never acknowledged his mistakes in the past and suddenly does so, it simply means he does not want to face the reality that the relationship is over and is simply finding comfort, which is probably why he is also dating someone from Tinder.

AshleyJ
AshleyJ

Hey, sorry for the repost but my message seems to get lost among other comments.
So NC ended last week and then its was my ex’s bday so I wished him happy bday and all the best for the holiday season. He immediately answered and also sent a text of the type you recommend as first contact, like you won’t believe what I just did. We talked about what he did (smg we used to talk about), he actually went into great detail and I just reacted and then he asked me how I was. I sent an upbeat but generic answer about being busy with wrapping gifts with my lil sister and asked how he was doing. No answer since then. I am so confused.

Ellen
Ellen

Hi, a quick introduction into my past relationship. Some people might call me the rebound relationship of my ex because he was only single for couple of months after a really long relationship (8y). Of course I believe we were a whole lot more than that! Not only did we match very well (on almost everything), we were already planning a future after a few months toghether (not only in beautiful words via text, but in real life) and kept our relationship serene for everyone involved without hiding it. I was single for over 3y before this, and my life was great even before I met him. Being togheter is far from the easiest option, but I really believe this is something worth fighting for. He broke up with me because he needed some time and space for his own problems, even though he also still believed in us. I know for sure he does not want to get back with his previous ex, but he does still need time (trying to sell the house he is still living in alone, lost a lot of friends throughout that break-up and stuff like that) and get rid of the fear that this might not turn out as beautiful as we imagined it. We messaged a bit after our break-up and I tried to still be there for him. But I know he will get used to it and only talks back when it soothes him. So I am trying to hold on to the NC with my ex. But I know he has a really big jobinterview coming up and a very lonely new years eve. I wanna hold on to the NC, and give us both some space. But I know he will contact me and I also don’t want him to feel like he really lost everything and is all alone.. What should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You have to understand that although you want to be there for him and he’s in a bad situation, that you’re not his savior or responsible for picking up the pieces in his life. You should keep in mind that there is a likelihood that you were a rebound (whether he even realized it or not) – one of the signs is the relationship progressing too fast and too perfectly before suddenly ending without major reasons. I suggest thinking this through first before deciding on your next course of plan.

Ellen
Ellen

Thank you for your quick reaction! Fair enough, I see your point. But that is one thing a NC period can give a definite answer to, no? He can as well realize what this really meant for him, while preparing myself for better things to come, with or without him.

Alexandre
Alexandre

We dated for five years and he said he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me so I broke it off with him. I know he still loves me and I do too. What could I possibly do to not let 5 years go down the drain

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could talk to him about it and tell him how you feel and that you want to settle down, and see how you guys can work things out from there.

Kate Karls
Kate Karls

I did no contact for a month and then slowly started texting my ex. I was upbeat positive; used the good memory texts, respected his space and slowly increase the frequency. Then all the sudden tonight he stopped answering for about five hours and I got pretty hurt. I sent him a few unanswered (but not angry!) texts; I ended with a text saying I’m sorry I was just happy and when I feel happy I want to share it with you. He responded hours later with just “ok.” And then wouldn’t answer anything else. I felt like it was a slap in the face, it would have been better if he hadn’t said anything, I would have been okay with that. But just the cold OK made me go nuts. Not nuts but I immediately started crying and sent him several unanswered texts and called him three times; of course he didn’t pick up the phone or answer me. I feel like I just blew everything I was working towards with just simpleOK”. I did no contact for over 30 days and I was doing everything right and I just blew it all. Now I’m sitting on the stairs crying,and it’s late,and I don’t know what to do or if I even still have a chance with him. Is There anything else I should do or should I just give up.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Kate,

Hang in there. If you feel this way, it means NC did not work because the goal of NC is for you to pick yourself up from everything and become stronger than before. I would suggest going back to NC for a longer period, and not to harbor any hopes or expectations in the mean time. Just focus entirely on yourself and not on him. Everything will eventually work out, even if we make mistakes from time to time.

Jeremi
Jeremi

Hi. What kind of message should i send her after doing no contact for a month? A apology text first? If yes, how should i write it. Since i have been kinda annoying to her by asking her why is she ignoring me a few days before no contact

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps you could have a read through this article to assist you on how to text her back.

Jeremi
Jeremi

Thanks, done reading those. I want to know the reason why is she ignoring, how can i find out about that? actually should i find it out or better not?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Have you completed NC yet? If you haven’t, do so first before considering any contact with her. To answer your question, is it honestly important to know why she was ignoring you? Would it make a difference to the situation? If you said in your earlier comment that you were annoying towards her, it could be that she didn’t feel obliged to reply you, and by asking her for a reason why she ignored you may end up annoying her further.

Jeremi
Jeremi

Ongoing NC. I understand now, thank you very much sir!

Lindsay
Lindsay

My ex and I broke up about 5 months ago and it didn’t end well. I sent the email and then follow up with a text after 5 months of no contact. I haven’t heard back from either. Am I done? I just find it strange not to respond at all.

Rey
Rey

Hi. My gf and I broke up a little over a week ago and I’ve been doing the no contact rule for the past 5 days. Well tonight my gf just messaged me on facebook asking if I was around the area. I think she wants to meet up and talk. What do I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Do you feel like you’re ready to meet her yet? Depending on the situation of the breakup, I would say to stick with the NC and not meet her until you’re certain that you can handle it emotionally, but in every case, you know yourself best.

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