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How To Get Your Ex Back When He Won’t Talk To You – Get Him To Speak To You Again

Your ex boyfriend might have refused to talk to you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get him back. The truth is getting him to talk to you again isn’t really the hard part. But first you need to figure out why he stopped talking to you.ex_not_talking

Speaking for men, we don’t really cut off communication with a girl unless we have a pretty solid reason for it. Let’s go over few of the common reasons men tell a girl to not contact them.

Reason 1. You have been bombarding him with text messages and calls (The Most Common Reason)

In my experience, the most common reason for a guy to stop talking to his girlfriend is because she has been harassing him. If you are constantly messaging and calling your ex, then he is bound to get tired of you. He understands that you are hurt from the breakup, and he understands that you want to convince him to get back together, and he is tired of it.

Read how to use texts properly to get your ex back.

When you are messaging him constantly or commenting on all of his facebook status updates, you are telling him that you are not still needy and desperate. When you call him and tell him that you miss him, you are telling him that you are miserable without him and you will do anything to get him back.

Maybe your instincts will have you believe that harassing him will make him come back, but it’s not so. (Read how instincts screw with you after a breakup). In fact, everything you do that makes you look needy is going to make your ex boyfriend less attracted to you and more sure about his decision of breaking up. I am sure that’s not what you want, that’s why you should take a step back and go on no contact for a while. We’ll talk about it in a little while.

Reason 2. He is applying the no contact rule and is trying to move on (Less Common)

It could be that your ex has decided to start no contact and is trying to move on. Or maybe he is applying the no contact rule to try to win you back. If this is the situation, then there is nothing you can do unless he decides to end his no contact.

You have to respect the fact that your ex needs some space and time for himself. Like I say constantly through this site, the no contact rule is for you. It’s for you to decide what you want in life and what is good for you. It’s for you to regain your composure and become a happier person. This is exactly what your ex is doing at this time. So why not let him?

Said Every Girl Reading This Article

Said Every Girl Reading This Article

OK, I understand it’s a little hard to comprehend the fact that he might move on during the no contact period. But there is literally nothing you can do about it. If he decided to start no contact, then every message you send him is only going to make you more needy in his idea. During the no contact rule, he is going to think of you and the relationship. You should let him. Let him come to his own conclusion whether or not he should get back with you. And who knows maybe he will decide that he wants to get back with you. And even if he doesn’t, it’s his loss.

So What Should You Do?

For starters, stop contacting him and start the no contact rule as well. Stay away from him for 30 days and then send him a message. If he doesn’t respond, then he is still doing no contact. Give him another 15 days and then try contacting him again. If he still doesn’t respond, then you can either try again after 15 days or try to move on (my advice will be to move on, but I have a feeling you won’t take it).

Reason 3: His New Girlfriend Won’t Let Him Talk To Me (Least Common But The Worst Situation)

If he has a new girlfriend and she is not letting him talk to you, then you have a serious situation. There is literally nothing you can do that won’t make you look like a crazy, jealous and stalky ex girlfriend. And once he starts seeing you as an crazy ex, it’ll be hard to change it.

The only thing you can do right now is wait out his new relationship. If you are lucky, it’s just a rebound (Read more about him and his new girlfriend) and it will end soon. If you are unfortunate, he might end up marrying the girl and you will never get to talk to him again. I know it hurts to read this, but it’s the truth. I don’t want to sugarcoat it but if a guy lets a girl decide whom he talks to, then he is pretty serious about her.

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend To Speak To You Again?

It’s simple; you stop talking to him. You start the no contact rule and you pull away. If your situation falls under Reason no. 1 (see above), then he is probably going to reach out to you. If it falls under Reason no. 2 then he will probably reach out to you after he finishes his no contact period.

Basically, when you stop pushing, he will start wondering what happened and will try to contact you. He might not even be able to cope with your silence and start acting a little crazy (angry texts, angry phone calls, mean facebook messages).

Any type of reaction from his a good sign. This means that the only reason he was so calm about the breakup is because you were making him feel like he still has you. This means he still hasn’t dealt with the thought of losing you forever. And that thought might just be enough to get your ex boyfriend back.

However, if he doesn’t contact you during the no contact period, then you will have to take the matter in your own hands and contact him. Of course, before you contact him, you should make sure you have gone through the no-contact period and have done everything you are supposed to do during this time (Read the things you should do during the no contact period).

Now when you contact him, it’s not going to be like before. It’s not going to be a message that reeks of neediness. It’s going to be something that will arouse his curiosity. It’s going to be something that will keep him thinking about you for a while.

How To Contact Him

The best way to contact him will be through a text message. There are a few simple yet powerful messages that you can use to contact him. The key here is to create enough curiosity for him to text you back.

Here are a few messages that DON’T WORK.

“Hey Jim, I called you twice yesterday. Why don’t you pick up my phone? Anyways, just text me back as soon as you get a chance.”

OR

“Hey Jim, I need your help. Please text me back.”

Or

“Hey”

Did you see what’s wrong with these messages? The first one just reeks of neediness. The second one is an obvious ploy to get him to talk to you and the third one is simply boring.

To arouse their curiosity, you need to make the message about them and not about you. People are selfish and no topic is more interesting to them than themselves.

Here are a few examples that arouse their curiosity.

“Hey, I have a confession to make”.

OR

“Hey, I know it’s been a while but I just wanted to thank you for what you did. You have no idea how much it helped me.”

OR

“Hey, I just saw something that reminded me of you. I didn’t think about us for a while. To be honest, it made me smile.”

See how all these messages are about him? In the first message, he is thinking what did you do to HIM that you want to confess. In the second message, he is thinking what he did that you are thanking HIM for. And in the last one, he is thinking what reminds you of HIM.

Get the idea? If course, you don’t have to use exactly the same messages. You can be creative and use something that you came up on your own. Just make sure it’s something that arouses curiosity and it’s about him.

After he messages you back

After he replies to your message, the ball is in your court. You can peak his interest by not replying for a while. You can set an alarm for 30 minutes on your phone and not reply him until the 30 minutes is over. This way, you will be constantly on his mind for at least 30 minutes. And the more you are on his mind, the more he will feel attracted to you.

Of course, it’s not necessary to make him wait 30 minutes. You can go ahead and message him right away if you want as long as you don’t message him something needy. His reply is probably going to be something like

“What is it?”

“What did I do?”

“What did you see?”

For the reply, you can either pick up a message that I wrote in the fourth step of the 5-step plan. Or you can be creative and find something on your own.

After you initiate contact with him, you have to make sure you don’t project an image of neediness. Everything you do or say should send out a message that you are a confident and happy person who is living her life to the fullest. I have written more about it in the 5 step plan to win your ex back. Make sure you read it here.

Do you want to find out your chances of getting your ex back?

 

Take this carefully designed test to find out your chances and if you qualify for the EBP Basics E-course.

 


If you want to ask a question about your relationship or breakup, head over to the boards.

Comments will only be approved if they are pertaining to the article and add value to it. If you decide to comment read the comment guidelines before commenting.

164 comments… add one
  • moi March 16, 2014, 9:02 pm

    I acted needy. He said we were fighting too much. He said he thought it best if we became friends before we hated each other. Every other breakup was fierce passionate anger. This time he was cold and distant. I may have said something that really hurt his pride (i mentioned a midlife crisis). I am so scared this time…. he seemed indifferent. He usually has a short grudge process with me ( we are extraordinarily sexually intune) so he always finds his way back. And I to him. We have forgiven each other everything to be with eachother again. Now I am afraid. So afraid he is not ever coming back. I texted a couple times the next day but he never answered and I promised I would never text again. And I wont I am good with it. What do I do now? I usually hear from him after two weeks. I am not there yet it has only been a week….but if three go by and nothing I am afraid I will not be able to handle it. I got a new hairdo… I hit the gym always..I am hanging with friends. I just keep worrying. 🙁 what do I do now?? just wait? and for how long? i do not think 30 days is enough if he does not call me in that time. thanks.

    • Kevin March 17, 2014, 6:30 am

      Hey moi,

      If he doesn’t contact you in 30 days, use the letter mentioned in this article.

  • anonumus March 21, 2014, 11:08 pm

    Hey me and my ex were together for almost 8 months and we were texting and during that time i was working and i asked him why’d he like going to the low and 5 hours later didnt text me back so the next day i found out by 2 girls that dont like me that he was with a girl in the park and that girl happend to be his friend and i told him about it and hes was like yeah i was at the park but u shouldnt even care cuz u talk to ur ex and other foos

    • anonumus March 21, 2014, 11:10 pm

      Why did he act that way with me ?

      • Kevin March 23, 2014, 12:12 pm

        It’s hard to say why he did it. My best guess is he is having second thoughts about the relationship and he just wants to explore his options. I’ll recommend you don’t act needy in any way and back off a little bit.

  • Kaylee March 27, 2014, 4:53 pm

    My ex broke up with me a month ago. I am a freshman in college and he is a junior in high school. We had been together for a year before he ended it. He accused me of cheating (which I never would do) and ended it. Two days later he was already with another girl. I am hoping it is just a rebound. His new girl got mad at him because he was talking to me and he got really mad at me then and said that we will never get back together. Before that he said he wants to try again in the future. I am very confused about everything because he kept contradicting himself. I am currently trying the no contact rule. I was just wondering if you had any other advice to make him want me again even though he has his new girl. Thanks Kevin.

    • Kevin March 28, 2014, 9:30 am

      I answered you comment here.

  • Nicola March 30, 2014, 3:09 am

    So… How does this work when there HAS been contact between you and your ex (sporadic & mainly by text message) & all of a sudden, in reply to one of your texts, you’re told that the new gf is uncomfortable with the friendship, due to something she learnt about your ex’s past, but would be ok if the two of you were acquainted, which would need to happen before or the next time you caught up, in order for you and your ex to remain in contact… Advice please.

    • Kevin March 31, 2014, 12:03 pm

      It’s hard. He wouldn’t do something like that unless he was serious about his new girlfriend. If you want, you can become acquainted with her, but I think it’ll be better for you to just contact with him and move on.

  • Zolanski April 4, 2014, 6:09 am

    hey kevin,i have been dating my boyfriend for 4months and before he broke up with me we were going through somethings[mainly insecurities] the day he broke up with me his childhood friend had comeover to stay for week.i told him i wasnt comfortable with her staying over for that long and said that shes just a friend.we argued when i left his house and hes never talked to me since that day.it has been 4months now and he still hasnt talked to me,but i really love him and i want him back in my life.
    what could have been the problem and how can i get him back,since hes not even talking to me

    • Kevin April 4, 2014, 11:33 am

      I think you should contact him. If he doesn’t respond, then it’s best for you to move on. If he does respond, follow the 5 step plan (without no contact).

  • Mikayla April 4, 2014, 8:23 am

    My ex fiancê and I were together for 2.5 years. We are expecting a little girl in the next month. He broke up with me two weeks ago. We got in a fight and I decided to leave for a few days. Before leaving I walked over to him and kissed his cheek and he put his arm on my waist. The next day I tried texting him but he ignored me. I told him I would be home that night after having an emotional breakdown but ended up falling asleep on my friend’s couch. The next morning I woke up to a text asking where I was but I ignored it. Later on he called me and I ignored that too. He texted me a few minutes later asking for me to at least let him know I was okay. So I did. I told him I was fine and I am just trying to give him space and he broke up with me. Shortly after I went home and waited because he said we would talk about it later. When he got home he talked saying that I could live in the apartment and he would stay elsewhere. He said I just kept bringing him down with me when I was upset and that he couldn’t take it anymore. Though hurt I just said okay. He left to go spend time with family and when he came back we got in a fight and I ended up calling my parents saying I couldn’t be there anymore. My parents live 10 hours away. He seemed upset but didn’t say anything. The next day I told him I would stay if we could work on us and he agreed. Then later he told me he would be too busy to see me or our daughter. I got really confused on what to do. Finally I said I was gonna move and he became quiet. He would try to convince me to stay but say he would have no time for us. On the way home he began to cry, which he never does, and I tried to get him to talk to me. We sat in the car and he told me he didn’t want to be distanced from his daughter and cried more. I then told him he cant force himself to have feelings for me that aren’t there and he began to cry more. He said he needed to leave so I hugged him and kissed his cheek again then went inside. That night his mom came to get him to try to take his mind off of things and she ended up telling me I was being selfish. I responded by saying I needed to leave to get help for my depression that made him feel like I brought him down with me. We hugged again and he left. The next day my parents came to get me and that night he texted me saying he hopes I made it safely. I didn’t respond again until the next evening and he got upset because I didn’t reply to him earlier. The first few days I texted him saying I missed him and that I loved him but he would ignore my texts. He called saying there is no chance of us getting back together but we can be friends and see where it goes from there. I also noticed he was talking to his ex who from what he told me didn’t make him happy. I agreed and texted him less. A week after he broke up with me I texted him an update of the baby and that I did indeed tell the doctor that I have been depressed for years and I had gotten anti depressents. He said Thats great to the baby update and Thats good to me getting help and somehow it got brought up about us getting back together and he said he would never have feelings for me again. We didn’t text for two days then he texted me asking a question about something and I asked him about his family who has been ill and how he was doing. His response was just the word alright and he said he was tired so I said okay and to text me later. The next day I texted him telling him about my ill uncle and he didn’t reply. That was a couple days ago. He keeps telling me one thing then tells me another and Im confused and I feel like he is too. I’m refraining from texting him unless he texts me or I have a baby update. What should I do?

    • Kevin April 4, 2014, 12:18 pm

      I think you should not respond to him unless it’s regarding the baby. He needs some time and space. Follow the 5 step plan. I hope he comes back before the delivery but you should prepare yourself for the worst. There is a chance that he might never come back.

  • tooba April 6, 2014, 7:42 am

    we were in a relationship since last 4 mnths he proposed me for marriage I said yes n we were so happy but out of no way he started ignoring me he used rep to my each txt after so much time even of he is online too….he never talk to me by himself only I was the one who txt him first and ask all about him, it was his brother wedding 2 week ago he was so busy n use to ignore me n even he didnt come online,he asked hos mother about our maariage last week n she said no he tried convincing her just once n he said me now we cnt get married ever forget me n move on
    last night we had a break up n he said me to move on even i used to txt him more than 100 times a day n begged him not to leave me I cut my nerve n send him the pic but he was like sorry I cant do anything bye
    now tell me wht should I do? I really love him n want him back,but after his mom said no he said of a breakup but even before that he was ignoring me since last mnth

    • Kevin April 6, 2014, 11:58 am

      Read the 5 step plan and follow it. And please don’t do anything stupid like cutting yourself again. It’s only going to hurt your chances of getting back together.

  • Justin April 10, 2014, 9:48 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I am on the NC right now after I broke up with my girlfriend, but her birthday is coming up, should I send her a birthday wish text message or not at all? What should I say in the text if so?
    Thanks

    • Kevin April 12, 2014, 9:42 am

      Send her a short text.

  • Beth April 12, 2014, 5:15 pm

    I’m pregnant, 26. I broke up with him after bombarding him with texts being needy and jealous. It was rash. I apologized, tried to say where I was coming from, regret. Emails, desperate phone calls. I acted crazy even before I broke up with him. Jealousy and neediness but I swear it was from the preg. hormones. He told me he needs to figure his life out, baby is bad timing and only has time for work. He’s 36, divorced 7 yrs ago with a 9 yr old child.
    I feel guilty. Wanted to show him I’m there for him and sorry but only pushed him away. He kept texting casual convo which made me mad because I thought he felt bad for me and would move on and him not wanting to be with me made me feel like a doormat. I called and accused him of being into another girl, told him not to talk to me until he figured his life out.
    Then, I texted that night and basically told him how to get me back. Next morning, text to say gmorning and he did not respond to either. I have him on fb.
    Should I delete everything?
    Do I have a chance? Should I wait longer than 30 days? Should I make contact again before no contact period so he wonders where I went?
    We were only together 4 months, he told me he loved me. Been broken up for 3 weeks. I want him back because we can work this all out and raise the baby together. Thx!! I love the support.

    • Kevin April 14, 2014, 10:59 am

      You do have a chance. Keep no contact 30 days. You should not contact him before no contact. Read the 5 step plan if you haven’t already.

  • Kate April 16, 2014, 12:29 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I’ve been in a long distance relationship a bit more than a year. Everything were great and my ex treated me well. We see each other at least once a month. One day I missed him a lot and I threw a little tantrum saying things are getting tough whenever I miss you. Next day he decided to break up with me. I made a mistake by constantly texting and calling him. He said he still love me but can’t be with me. He said the more we love each other, we would miss each other more and he don’t want a girlfriend who lives 100s of miles away. I offer to relocate but he said I wouldn’t enjoy the lifestyle there and I don’t have much there. It seems like when things get serious; he don’t want to commit. But previously he told me he might want to work abroad and said he could live with him. I took a flight to see him without telling him, he opened the door for me then kept saying we can’t be together. He was crying but still being stubborn. After a while I got emotional and angry. The next day he wanted me out of the flat and wanted me to get in the car but I refused. He was chasing after me and said he still care about me. I was too angry at the time and I wanted time alone as I know he just don’t want me to stay in his flat. Eventually he stopped chasing me then although he said he would speak to me, he didn’t and we haven’t spoke to each other for two weeks. And I still love him a lot…I try so hard to distract myself but deep down I still want him.

    • Kevin April 17, 2014, 12:28 pm

      If after two more weeks, you still want him, get back in touch with him.

  • R April 18, 2014, 5:01 am

    Do you get an email notice when your comment is answered?

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 11:32 am

      No, you don’t. Although, I think it’ll be helpful. I’ll look for a way to implement it on the website.

  • R April 18, 2014, 5:06 am

    What if he doesn’t answer the text after the no contact?

    • Kevin April 18, 2014, 11:33 am

      Then you should wait a week or two and text him again. If there is still nothing, then you should seriously consider moving on.

  • M April 22, 2014, 6:44 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I hope you are well. I could really do with some advice. I was with my boyfriend for 5.5 years, in this time we were madly in love with eachother, we brought a house together & everything was fine until about 4 months ago i would say! We began not taking, bring distant, we had lots of money worries & i totally suffocated him by telling him he shouldn’t go out with his friends he should save money & on too of this he is very unhappy in his company hes been with them 11 years & still waiting for a promotion they turned him down 3 times already at three different interviews within the company! As well as all this i was very unhappy in my job to the point ide cry at breakfast from frustration, i let go of myself & the person he fell in love with, i nagged him a lot & made him feel bad for having fun! I stopped trying to be attractive & we were no longer intimate! Everything blew up in our faces a month ago & literally over night he decided he no longer feels the same about me & he doesnt want this or any relationship at the moment & wants to be alone! He told my mum that there is zero hope for us he doesnt want this no way no how despite the fact that i found out that 2 months ago he asked my mum for my hand in marriage! He became very angry & bitter we both cried a lot it was an awful emotional time! Then i went into stupid phase recently begging him to give us a chance while he says theres no hope & he doesnt love me the same way as before! We own a house together & hes already called someone to come talk to us about our options & either selling or getting one of our names off! Im my heart im praying to God he sees sense because he is truly the man i wanted to have a future & partnership with. While ide love to do the 30 day NC rule i dont know how since we love together & there is no space at my mums plus im still paying the mortgage & bills however if u think from what i have written that there maybe hope for us & u think the 30 day rule plus all the things after that may help if he begins to fall in love with me again then ill find a way to deal with it for a month & stay away!

    I would really appreciate your advice as ive read a lot recently & your piece has been the most hopeful for me so far.

    Thank you so much
    M

    • Kevin April 25, 2014, 12:40 am

      Yes, I do think there is a chance and you should read this article to know how to implement no contact rule in your situation.

  • Heather April 25, 2014, 2:35 pm

    Hey Kevin , me and my ex have been broken up for 2 weeks and I’m heartbroken we had been together 2 years. He said he wanted to be friends because he doesn’t treat me right. We hung out today and ended up having sex I’m really confused and don’t know what to do. Any advice?

    • Kevin April 28, 2014, 12:39 pm

      Follow the 5 step plan and don’t have sex with him until he commits.

  • Lisa April 29, 2014, 5:59 am

    Hi Kevin. I have dated my ex for 3 years. We never argue. He proposed after 1 year of dating. We were engaged for 5 months and I got cold feet. He has teenagers and I could not marry him with the problems he was having with the kids. We decided we only wanted each other and to stay together until they were in College and then be married. Three weeks ago I got sick. He sent me selfie s at 12:30 while I was sick. When I ask him to wait until waking hours he got pissed. He pouted and did not call to check on me. When I said something about it he sent a text he was fed up and wanted a break and for me to leave him alone. I sent a text that I was as tired of him and.to forget my name. I was just mad and hurt. I have gone to talk to him. He would not stop working long enough to talk to me. I have tried three times to call him. He will not respond. Should I just give up and move on?

  • Mel April 29, 2014, 9:45 pm

    My boyfriend and I have been broken up for 5 days now. I miss him a lot and (oops) told him so. He said don’t make it awkward for him and we aren’t together and it’s not about who misses who!! He works out of state and will be home in 2 weeks and will be moving out. What do I do??? I miss him and I don’t want to break up. He hasn’t changed his status on FB yet either and there is no one else. His mom says I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him and he’s a fool if he does leave – but I’m afraid he actually will.
    How do I get him to want to stay?
    We broke up b/c I didn’t respect his space- over texted him, was insecure b/c he works out of town – basically everything a girlfriend shouldn’t do I did and I’m really embarrassed by my behavior. I’ve apologized to him and he said that’s fine but the breakup stands… 🙁 HELP!

    • Kevin April 30, 2014, 2:30 am

      You should follow the 5 step plan.

    • mel April 30, 2014, 7:43 am

      Do you think he will come back? What about him moving out…

      • Kevin May 1, 2014, 3:10 am

        If he decides to move out, you should let him. If you try to stop him, it will make you look needy. As for whether or not he will come back, no one can say for sure, but it’s worth trying.

  • Bella April 30, 2014, 11:02 am

    Kevin, I have been with my man 2 1/2 years, we were first friends (sort of, i always was into him so it never felt like just friends) and we ended up falling in love and getting together. lately he’s been under a lot of pressure from a lot of outer sources and has said before sometimes he doesn’t feel like he can balance our relationship AND everything else in his life without it killing him from stress, so i have tried to give him space and now he broke up with me 6 days ago and is saying he still loves me BUT he doesnt want a relationship right now and if he does date it will be me, and he wants to be “friends” to which i already told him no i cant be friends because i cant be strung along, and he was my first (EVERYTHING! kiss, love, lovER, everything) so that thinking we can just be friends while im still in love is just not possible. idk what to do, is there any hope?

    • Kevin May 1, 2014, 4:32 am

      Yes, there’s hope. Give him some more space and follow the 5 step plan.

  • A13 May 1, 2014, 8:04 am

    I had a long distance relationship, and at first my boyfriend broke up with me. I accepted that, altough it was very hard for me.. A month after the first break-up, we saw each other in our hometown and we got back together. He told me that he regretted breaking up with me, that he missed me,loved me, and I missed him too really, but a few days later I had to leave back to college and that meant not seeing him again. After a month I then broke up with him. A few days later, I realized I made a mistake but he said that I’m indecisive, I can’t keep playing with it and we didn’t get back together. Around those days he started putting some songs on facebook, statuses alluring that he has someone else, like he already fell in love, but I felt like he didn’t, that it was just a game.. After a while I deleted him accidentaly off from facebook, I added him and apologized, but he didn’t believe that it was by the mistake and told me, like he was angry,”How can you delete someone accidentaly?” He then accepted my friend request, but we didn’t talk anymore. I saw something on his profile then, got me pissed and I deleted him, him and all of his friends then. I didn’t see him since that time we got back together until last night, and I don’t know if he had seen me, but he didn’t say hi. I felt like he was ignoring me. I don’t know what to think, I know I made some bad decisions, but I think that he is pissed now and I don’t know what to do.

  • Ali May 3, 2014, 9:39 pm

    He kicked me out because I wouldn’t have an abortion with his baby and now he won’t talk to me at all. I was somewhat needy and text him about 6 times no response so should I just not contact anymore?

    • Kevin May 8, 2014, 4:08 am

      You should accept he is a jerk and not contact him anymore. Apply no contact and realize that you and your baby are better off without him in your life.

  • Melody Copeland May 5, 2014, 2:36 pm

    Hello Kevin,
    So me and my boyfriend have been dating for around a year, and he said that he just wanted a break and that he is very stressed right now. So I am trying to give him his space. However, I made a mistake and texted him a few days afterwards and he said that it is over and that he is moving on.. And I am crushed. Although, my friend tried to talk to him and he said that he really doesn’t want a relationship right now and that he wasn’t sure if this was a permanent thing or if it was just temporary. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. You see our relationship was starting to head south at the end of our relationship, and it was apparent that he was very stressed out because of school, exams, and pressure from his parents. I have no clue what I am supposed to do. I just want to fix and revive our relationship, I realize that he still has feelings for me but I am terrified that he is going to just give up and move on completely. I see him around a lot, although we don’t really talk. And this is all breaking my heart.. Do I have a chance? Is there any hope? Do you think that he doesn’t want a relationship because of the stress? I honestly have no idea. I have already initiated no contact. I am just really scared that he is going to move on for good. I love him with all my heart and soul. Thank you so much.

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 2:04 pm

      You do have a chance.

      • Melody May 6, 2014, 2:37 pm

        What do I say? He is now talking to me.. He is not sure if this is a permanent or temporary thing. How do I convince him to make this temporary? I am so terrified that he is going to move on.

        • Kevin May 7, 2014, 11:21 am

          Let it be his idea to break up with the other girl. All you need to do is be confident and don’t show any signs of neediness.

          • Melody May 7, 2014, 3:06 pm

            Well, he hasn’t actually dated anyone else yet. And he avoids me at all costs. At first he said we can get back together and in the mean time we’ll just be friends. And one of his kind of close friends said that he really didn’t want to do this that his grades were just slipping. If he doesn’t want a relationship right now, does that mean that he doesn’t want a relationship all of school?

          • Kevin May 8, 2014, 1:05 pm

            I can’t say for sure, but it seems like he is not over you and he certainly doesn’t want to lose you forever. I think if you just be confident and follow the advice in the 5 step plan, you’ll have a good chance.

      • Melody May 9, 2014, 5:00 pm

        I am just scared. He texted me the other day and he said that he didn’t think that we are going to get back together and we haven’t talked at all after the break up. All he has done since then is, today, I was sitting down and I had my head down and he walked up to me and he gently touched my hand and he just kind of looked at me. It was rather strange (but it was super sweet). Is this a good sign? Does him saying that we wont get back together mean that I have no chance? It sounds like he wants this to be permanent.. I am so scared.

        • Kevin May 11, 2014, 11:18 am

          It doesn’t mean you have no chance. A lot of people say this after a breakup and then take it back.

          • Melody May 12, 2014, 3:41 pm

            THANK YOU! 🙂 I am just going to focus on myself for right now and give him the time and space he needs. 🙂

  • Confused May 6, 2014, 11:19 am

    Good Morning,
    I have a friend that I dated for 6 months and during that time we went through several emotional issues (expressing that he loved me and how important it was for me to stay in his life). At the end of Jan. and at the age of 35 he moved in with his parents 4/5 hours away to get his life together and pay off debt. His plan prior to leaving was to get debt paid off and a cushion so that he could return and attend college. Shortly after he moved I had found him on a dating site that he swore he would never get back on and had it up prior to moving.

    We resolved that issue and remained friends, continued to talk every day through text etc. up until about 2 months ago. He then sent a text 3 weeks ago stating “Haven’t forgotten about, just been super busy. Hope you’re well” My response in return was: “Never crossed my mind that you had. I am doing well. Hope the same for you!!” At this time I thought things were just fine. He being busy with work and life in general. 10 days later I sent a text being flirty/sexual and his response in return was “who is this?” I kind of lost it and sent 3 too many text and he never responded. A week later he deleted me on FB and I just went into breakdown mode and haven’t been able to function.

    Mind you prior to the text/FB delete I was great and happy go lucky. I know to a fault that I read entirely too much into things and am one in trying to fix everything. I did send him a follow up text asking for some sort of closure and still not response. I now have left him be and that has been a week. I am just confused as to what I said for him to delete my number and possibly erase me from his life? Is he trying to play games with me? Could he be seeing someone? I don’t understand, I am confused and now feel this need to be in constant contact with him whereas before I didn’t. It really is driving me crazy, literally. So possibly some insight would be helpful….

    • Kevin May 6, 2014, 3:27 pm

      Hey,

      I don’t think you did anything that made him act the way he did. It’s probably something that he would have done no matter what you did. I think you should apply no contact for at least 2-3 months before getting back in touch with him.

  • BEY May 12, 2014, 11:56 am

    Hey Kevin, My ex boyfriend broke up with me for the second time. In the beginning he was head over heels for me but slowly turned cold. Each time he broke up with me I always begged him back. this time i havent done so. I am in love with this guy. First time we ended things because his ex thought she was pregnant so we stopped all communications. Turns out the baby wasn’t his. We got back together but he was hesitant of becoming exclusive but eventually we did. He broke up with me two weeks after that but got back together shortly. This time he has broken up with me because he believes that i was flirting with his friend who i have known for the same amount of time i have known my ex. He also said that he was going through a lot of shit and me flirting with his friend was not okay. He called it quits even after I told him that I wasn’t and told him everything we talked about. I’m devastated

  • kristen May 16, 2014, 8:47 am

    hi kevin,

    i know mine is a bit weird but i really need some advice.
    ive dated this guy for like 5months.for 3 months was ok but suddenly he decided to stop dating me and he said we didnt have that much in common and he said we can just be friends,i agreed to that but i was so hurt cos i still like him then we went to a trip together and i asked him if we can dAte again and he said yes he’ll give it a shot again but the problem is i became so clingy and needy.then after a couple of months of dating again he just suddenly lose his interest again and i found hes dating another girl and he said he really likes her.what will i do??i still want him back.we are still friends though.thanks

  • Kristen May 16, 2014, 8:43 pm

    hi kevin how come i dont see my post?

  • kristen May 18, 2014, 4:54 am

    is it too late for me to try the 30 days NC?

    • Kevin May 19, 2014, 1:14 pm

      No, it’s not too late. You should follow the 5 step plan.

  • Kiera May 19, 2014, 2:33 am

    This article is EXACTLY how my breakup went: detail by detail. And yes, I suffered every single day and cried like I never have before. Let’s just say, a week ago I finally got a sincere apology from my ex and his confession that he misses me and my smile. Finally. 7 months later.

  • Natalie Kay May 20, 2014, 4:36 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I think my story might be a LITTLE different from everyone else in that it involves God. I mostly just need to get this off of my chest and vent. It’s driving me crazy, and my heart (like everyone else) is completely shattered. I dated this guy for 8 months. It’s long distance, so we didn’t get to see eachother very often. However, we spoke every night on Skype, I’d say a minimum of 3 hours a day. He has issues with long distance. His last GF didn’t work out mostly because they were long distance, but he always told me that they wouldn’t have worked out anyway. He had been with her for 1.5 years. He has also told me before that his feelings for me are crazy, and that he’s never loved anyone or connected with anyone as much as he has me. I basically felt like it was a soul mate kind of relationship. In fact, I knew that it was. I’m 28, and out of all the dudes I’ve dated, there’s never been a connection like this. He felt the same way. When we met, we both said that it feels like we’ve known eachother forever and that we were in some sort of time warp. We even went as far as talking about going on a road trip to get hitched. He called it, “getting put on his health insurance”. He is the one who initiated that talk. And we always, always talked like this was it and we were going to spend the rest of our lives together facing the ups and downs of life and traveling together, etc.. He just had to finish up school (he has 1.5 years left) and then we could be together.

    He has broken up with me before, i’d say about 4 times. But each time it only lasted for a few hours- a day at the most. I’d cry, Because heck I was sad and it’s hard not to….but he did also. He cried a lot. And he’d always come back and promise me it would be different. Alas, his insecurities of “long distance will never work” would always creep back.

    This past breakup is a lot different. It was really strange how it happened. We were getting along great. I was being amazingly patient. We have never had bad arguments. This relationship is good. Kind, nurturing, we’ve never said a bad word about eachother. We made eachother laugh, and just connected. It just worked. Last Saturday night we talked. He told me that we do a great service to eachother by being there for eachother to vent the problems of our day. We then fell asleep on skype together like we normally did. Sunday came and when I got home from church I had a message from him that said “Hey, I love you”. I replied with an “I love you” and after that….he said nothing. All day he was MIA. Then he didn’t show up at night to talk. I started messaging him a lot. Usually when he decides he wants to breakup, he will disappear for a couple days and mope and think about it. Then last Monday after calling him alot, I finally received a message saying he can’t do it anymore. That long distance was too much. I told him that I’d be willing to move up next to him if it was that big of a problem. I did every single thing you said not to do. I cried. Begged. Made a fool of myself. I talked him into thinking about it. So he said he was gonna take a break for a week. But instead of giving him space during his week, I bombarded him with phone calls and messages. In the beginning of the week (last tuesday), he was receptive. He answered me one night and I told him that I couldn’t do it. That it hurts too bad and that I’m cutting all contact forever. He started to cry and say “Just give me a few days”. And I’d say, “I don’t want you to need a few days to figure out if you want to be with me.” I cried, told him I loved him. Then hung up. He thought I was gone forever. He called me/texted/tried to contact me on skype for the next 10 minutes. I finally gave in and answered. He begged me not to leave. After an hour long talk, I told him I wouldn’t. Things were good ( I thought ) and we fell asleep on skype together.

    THEN BAM!!! The very next day I could tell he was having second thoughts. He tried to end it completely when I called him, but said he needed a break to figure things out. But he talked like it was completely over. Saying things like, “I’m not the end all….there will be others”. Again, during his break, I did the opposite of what I should’ve done. I called tons of times. I left messages on his answering machine. I texted. and texted. AND TEXTED. This time, he wouldn’t answer. No matter what. This made me crazy….I’m ashamed of how crazy and it just made me want to text him more. So I did. And he never truly had space away from me. Monday came, (yesterday) and I just couldn’t take not knowing what was going on. So I called him. He answered on the second call. This time, he seemed so cold. Like detached and despondent. He had made his decision.

    He is a religious guy. He said that he has never been closer to God than he is now, and he said he’s been praying and feels like he is making the right decision. He says he knows because he’s at peace. He says that there will be someone else in the future who will make us happier than we were with eachother. I asked him how he knew that God didn’t just not want us together RIGHT NOW…and maybe he has plans for us to be together in the future. And he said…”Because, he is already starting to heal my heart”.

    I just want to say. I’m a religious person too. I believe in God. I’ve prayed to him and I feel the exact opposite. He just seemed like his mind can’t be changed. Maybe it was because he never had a chance in the last 4 days to miss me. He had heard from me every single day during his break, regardless of the fact that he never talked to me. I guess I just went temporarily insane and thought if he didn’t hear from me, that he’d forget me and move on. It has been a day since I’ve talked to him. I sent him a final email saying, “You saying God wants you to break up with me is a cop out…I deserve to know the real reason….”. He never replied. But I didn’t talk to him since that. I’m applying no contact.

    Is there any chance that despite feeling like God is blessing his decision to leave me, that somehow there is a way that he’ll miss me when I don’t talk to him, and try to come back? If he has it in his mind to move on, isn’t that what he will do when I don’t talk to him? He said when we were breaking up that he still wants to know how I’m doing from time to time. He just needs space to “heal” and get over me. Ugh. If it’s in his mind that we won’t be together, I’m not sure if his mind will change. And that sucks!!! Any comments would be awesome, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and thrown on the ground/stomped on. I guess it’s just extra crap to know that while I feel miserable, he feels like “God is already healing his heart” and he sees a future without me. He thinks God is blessing this decision, and I’m just like….geez. I wish I could feel numb and like my heart is being healed like he does. Do you have any input? I’d appreciate it Kevin. Reading everyone’s stories also helps me take my mind off this heartbreak.

    • Kevin May 21, 2014, 2:49 pm

      Yes, there’s a chance he will still miss you. Of course, there’s no guarantee. If you don’t show any signs of neediness, he might change his mind about you and perhaps he will see that as a sign from God as well. Follow the 5 step plan.

      • Natalie Kay May 22, 2014, 5:38 pm

        Kevin, gahhh. It’s only been 3 days since the official break up (and of NC) and I’m having a hard time not contacting him. I had signed out of everything on my computer so I wouldn’t think about it, but just a bit ago decided to sign into yahoo (where we used to talk alot) and when I saw I had no messages from him, I can’t stop thinking oh crap. He is sticking to his decision, and will never change his mind. Otherwise…he would’ve contacted me by now. The last time we broke up he had told me that if I let him go, he would’ve been crawling back within 2 days anyway. This just seems very permanent. And I have a secret worry that by continuing the NC, he will get used to not talking to me and realize he is perfectly fine without me, and that God is “blessing” his decision. Before this we talked EVERYDAY!! Oh and it’s also not helpful that I found this: http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/4-reasons-to-contact-your-ex-today/ ….is that theory a bunch of crap? I think I really just need someone to slap some sense into me, and inject my heart with a buttload of morphine.

        • Kevin May 23, 2014, 11:13 am

          Hey Natalie,

          It’s OK if he gets used to not talking to you (I’m not saying he will though). And it’s important that you get used to not having him in your life. Your relationship is over. And you should get used to not talking to each other. If you two do get back together, it’ll be a new relationship.

          And I agree with that article. Communication is important. But the fact is, you are probably not in a state of mind where you can communicate with him in a way that will resolve the issues and make him attracted to you enough. The article assumes that once you close lines of communications, it’ll never open again. You’ll open the lines of communication again. With more confidence and the ability to resolve any conflicts without getting into explosive arguments. And if he contacts you during no contact, you can just tell him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup. This will let him know that you are not stopping communication forever.

          • Natalie Kay May 24, 2014, 6:47 pm

            I totally agree with you Kevin. If he messaged me now and I replied, I’d be a clingy mess. A month is definitely necessary. Each day is still so hard, but I’ve made it to 5 days NC, and I’m kinda proud. It’s hard not to think about him, and the thought of him just being completely OK with this breakup while I’m miserable sucks so bad. I have another question for you that has kind of been running through my mind. Does it change things if when he was breaking up with me he told me that I should see other people if it would help me move on (when he had always been kinda a jealous guy before that) AND when I said something about his voice he said “No, you need to forget my voice”… I know for a fact that he pictured us being together for the rest of our lives before all of this crap. Do you THINK him saying that stuff means he really wants me to move on and there is no hope for us? I know it’s impossible to say for sure, but it seems like the more I think about it, the less chance I think we have of getting back together. Do you remember of any cases where someone told you that their ex said that they should see other people if it helps them move on? There’s also the other thought I have of maybe he met some girl up there while we were going out, and decided it was easier since she was there. And now this breakup is easier for him because he has someone else to take his mind off of me. Ugh, I freaking hate my mind right now!!! Sometimes I think I’m doing good, but then BAM I’ll think about it again. But typing here helps a little, even if temporarily…

          • Kevin May 28, 2014, 12:09 pm

            People say a lot of things they don’t mean during a breakup. Yes, I’ve come across such cases where they got back together after saying something like this. And yes, you are right, it’ll be easier for him to deal with the breakup if he has another girl. But he will not be able to get over you. Rebound relationships do provide comfort, but they don’t really help in getting over your ex. So in a way, you will have the advantage because you would’ve gone through the grief, the obsessiveness, and all the other phases of the breakup while he would still be confused, hurt, and maybe even miserable because he never had time to grieve the breakup.

  • Natalie May 21, 2014, 12:20 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I will try to make this short as possible. I think my last post was so long so it didn’t show up. But I believe my case is a bit different because it involves God. Like everyone else my heart is broken. I’ve been with my ex for the last 8ish -9 months, he’s 26 and I’m 27. It was a long distance relationship, so we didn’t get to see eachother very much but we talked on skype everyday. Anywhere from 3-6 hours per day during the past 6 months. I’ve never felt this way about a guy, we clicked in every way imaginable from the beginning. I without a doubt believed he was my soul mate…if such a thing exists. An he felt the same way. He even mentioned going on a random road trip to get (put on his health insurance) and talked about how he wants to live life with me, and move in together, etc. It was just a very loving, caring relationship. We never said anything bad about eachother and we could make eachother laugh. His big problem is the long distance, I suppose. His last gf of over a year and him ended up breaking up because of it. Although he did say that they would’ve ended up breaking up regardless because she wasn’t right for him. Over the last 5 months he’s broken up with me about 4 times. But each time he got really emotional and cried. And I eventually talked him back because he said he can’t see his life and future without me. He said he never cried with the last girl. He said he loved and cared about me more than he ever has anyone, and that we connect more than he ever has with anyone. Long story short. Things were perfect until about 2 weeks ago. He told me he loved me on sunday morning through text…then I didn’t hear from him for a day. I bombarded him with messages. And then I got a message saying he just can’t do it anymore. That he thinks the distance has just worn his heart down. I told him I could even move up to him, and to not give up on us….but he wouldn’t have it. However, I did talk him into wanting a break to think about his decision…bcause it was so out of the blue. Unfortunately, i sucked at giving him space. I called him that night and started crying and told him I couldn’t do it. I told him I was going to delete him off of everyhting. I told him I loved him, then hung up. He got scared and started crying and begged me to answer on skype…I finally did. He said he was being an idiot and he thinks he just convinced himself that he doesn’t need any other person to be happy (He is a firm believer in God….as am I). Things were good (I thought) until the next day. He was being distant again. I asked if he was having second thoughts….and he ended up saying he DID need the break to think about things afterall. Unfortunately, I did everything I wasn’t supposed to do. Beg (alot), cry (alot), text him (alot) over the time I was supposed to be giving him his break. He didn’t reply to me all weekend and it just made me freak out and text and call him more. He finally picked up monday morning and had made up his decision that he was breaking up with me…for good. It was different this time in he was extremely cold and emotionless. He said he had been praying about it all weekend and he feels like this is right, and what God wants him to do. He said it’s for the best, and we will find love again. There will be someone else out there for us. I asked him how he knows that God just doesn’t want us to be together right now….and he does down the line in the future….and he said “Because he’s already healing my heart”. That’s when I accepted I wouldn’t be able to change his mind. He started getting mad because I wanted to stay and talk, and he had to go. He says he wants to stay in contact and he still wants to know how I am from time to time….he just needs space to get over me. We hung up. I then emailed him right after saying that “I accepted the break up. But God doesn’t tell people to break up with someone out of the blue, I deserve to know the real reason.” I haven’t heard back from him. Before I thought it was the long distance and that we couldn’t see eachother much. But when I offered to move up there, he still wanted to break up. So I have no idea why. My questions are: Is there any chance that because I was messaging him every single day during his break, that he didn’t have a chance to miss me and that affected his decision to leave? Do you think if I apply NC (I have been for 2 days now) he will eventually miss me and come back? If he believes God truly is blessing his decision and “healing his heart”….the chances for me look pretty slim. Also, I feel like he won’t miss me because he’s always busy so I assume his mind will always be preoccupied with other thoughts. It’s just sad, because we got along ridiculously well and we loved eachother deeply. We only would have truly been long distance for the next 1.5 years until he got out of school. And now there’s nothing. This hurts…bad. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and thrown on the ground. Help Kevin!!!

    • Kevin May 22, 2014, 3:38 pm

      Hey Natalie,

      Your previous post is here.

  • Kay May 21, 2014, 3:11 pm

    This guy and I met on twitter of all places and started to message each other, then text, then finally talk on the phone. This went on for several months as just friends until one day it just turned into more. We were both feeling a much deeper connection. We would text all day long while at work and then stay on the phone at night until the wee hours of the morning. He and I talked about a future together but we currently lived over 1300 miles apart.

    We were both moving within a few months of each other and would then only be 10 miles apart. I was his support system as a friend in the beginning while he went through a breakup from a short relationship with a girl he had been great friends with for years and she ended up screwing him over. Once things started to progress into having romantic feelings for each other, I couldn’t wait to talk to him, see him , spend time with him, etc. He was excited about my son and wanted to be there to spend time with us.

    We were absolutely perfect in every way for each other. We has just enough in common but just enough differences to keep it interesting, conversation was great, chemistry was amazing, and we both looked forward to hearing from each other and missed each other when we were busy and couldn’t talk. The bad part was, I had lied to him about something and knew I needed to come clean when I developed these feelings.

    I met him in person and came clean with everything. We still hung out and we were even intimate and things seemed to be doing okay but then he began to question my lie and if he could trust me ever again. I knew what I had done was awful and so unlike me and if I didn’t admit it myself no one that knows me would believe I lied. He cut off all communication with me and blatantly told me he had no desire to hear from me again. 7 months passed with no contact and then I decided as a last ditch effort to reach out to him and if nothing else get everything off my chest. I emailed him and asked if we could talk.

    I told him if he has no desire to hear from me to simply reply back no and I would respect his wishes and he would never hear from me again. A week passed and then he called me and we talked for over an hour but all we talked about was how I lied and he was still angry about it and even though he had forgiven me, he was having trouble forgetting. I told him I knew that would be our last conversation so I was trying to put everything out in the open and get all my apologies out there so we could move on. He said he didn’t think it would be the last time that we talked and that he hadn’t dated anyone else but that he needed time before he could hang out with me as my friend. He said it could be a month or 6 months but in the meantime he didn’t want contact from me.

    A couple questions, do you think he has any intentions of every contacting me again or he just said that and if he just said that why because I gave him an easy out when I said I knew it would be the last time we talked and he had no trouble telling me back last year that he had no desire to speak to me at the time. Second question is why did he get in touch with me if he was only going to tell me he isn’t ready to talk and hang out, why not just respond no to the email and have me out of your life for good or not contact me until you are finally ready if you ever are? Do I have any chance of winning him back? I love him so much! I have never felt this connection with anyone before and I am in my mid thirties and well aware of how relationships work.

    • Kevin May 22, 2014, 4:01 pm

      The fact that he is angry means that he still has feelings for you. And that’s why he called instead of just replying no to your email. I can’t say if he’ll call again or not. But I think he meant it and he has hope that some time in the future, you can get back together. He is not sure about it, but he wants to keep the option open. Perhaps, he doesn’t want you to move on.

      • Kay July 30, 2014, 1:10 pm

        So, it has been a few months since we talked and there was no contact. I found out he has just started talking to another girl through a friend and panicked and reached out to him. I didn’t mention the girl or anything, just brought up the fact that we had ran into each other several places and both of us act like we don’t know the other one (very childish, I know) and how I wanted him to understand that with us living so close, it was inevitable for that to happen from time to time and I didn’t want him to feel like it was anything planned on my part. He replied that he asked me months ago to give him time to consider us being friends again and hanging out but that I was reaching out to him again (this one time) and it proved to him that I couldn’t do one small thing he asked and that we should not be anything. He said that was the last time he would text or email me and that if he saw me out and about he may or may not say hi! He also said he knew what kind of guy he was and he was okay with that and didn’t need my validation of his character. I have never said anything negative about him and actually usually take up for him when everyone else says he is acting childish and dramatic about the whole ordeal but had posted some things on twitter about other people’s character and wonder if he saw that and thought it was about him. Basically, he flat out told me I am done with you but I do know he decided that girl wasn’t for him and has been spending a lot of time at home when not working instead of going out and having fun. I miss him so much and know deep in my heart we were perfect for each other and I truly believe he feels it too but he has so much pride. Do you think based on that last text that he is still angry with me and I should just live my life and maybe he will come around and not mean what he said or that it sounded indifferent and he is gone forever? There is truly nothing I can do at this point right? I can’t text, call, email, etc without seeming needy and desperate and I also love him so much that I want to respect his wishes. Do I just try to move on or continue to try? It has been a year and it hurts just as much today if not more than it did when it happened. I have been out on dates but no one compares.

        • Kevin August 1, 2014, 4:50 am

          Hey Kay,

          To be honest, I think you your chances are less. Even though it seems like he still has some feelings from you, I don’t think it’s worth trying. Even if you want to pursue him more, you should do NC for at least 2-3 months.

          • Kay August 1, 2014, 1:37 pm

            I am having the hardest time letting go of my feelings for him or letting them subside. They haven’t changed at all in a year. I still love him just like I did the first day it hit me. I am not reaching out to him ever again because he basically said that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore and I respect him and his wishes enough to listen to what he is saying. The problem is I have no idea how to move on. Like I said I have been on multiple dates and I just can’t even let myself open up to these other guys because he has my heart. How do I get it back? I know the only way we will ever talk again is if he initiates it and by the sounds of it, that isn’t going to ever happen so I am just left completely empty. I am just a nervous wreck everyday waiting for him to find and start dating someone and knowing I have to see that. We have tickets to the same sporting events and I am afraid that I will have to sit there and try to enjoy a game while he is there with another female and that will be impossible for me to enjoy. If he seems to still have feelings for me and we were so good together, why does he continue to distance himself? I also need to add, I have NEVER in my entire life been like this about a man before. I have always been able to be the one to end it or walk away when it was ended and say, “oh well, your loss.” Why am I not able to with this one?

  • Katie May 24, 2014, 12:20 pm

    Please help me, i dont know what to do. I was with my boyfriend two years and everything was perfect for a year, hardly no arguments he took me on holiday he treat me like a princess. All of a sudden he started being weird and shouting at me and loosing his temper if i did or said something wrong, silly things like that, then on his birthday he broke up with me because we argur too much but he was drunk and didnt mean it. But weeks later he broke up with me over the phone and said he doesnt want to be with me and wants to be single, and the break up lasted for a few days untill he contacted me and said he didnt mean it. He has done this to me now about ten times in the past 7 months each time the break up was longer i would say two times i was in the wrong but no reason to walk away 🙁 i love him all the world. we broke up again 4 weeks ago because we had a fight he was treating me bad and i upset him by texting a guy. It was nothing serious just a cry for help 🙁 i begged for 3 full weeks saying how sorry and i got rejected when all of a sudden after not talking tp him he said he wanted to see me, he said he forgave me even though he hasnt he holds grudges, and i was so happy untill he text me and said he doesnt want me to take anything seriously because he doesnt want a relationship with me 🙁 i got upset and i pressured him the next time he seen me and we had an argument and since then he is saying leave him alone when i try to text him. I dont listen and i pester him because i just wanna talk and dont understand why he doesnt want to talk to me! he has now blocked me on EVERYTHING i have no way to get in touch with him 🙁 im heartbroken will he ever even talk to me again? Is it too late? What do i do. Help me, he is my whole world

    • Kevin May 28, 2014, 11:58 am

      It’s not too late. You have to start no contact and realize that he not your whole world. You have to realize that you can be happy in your life without him. I want you to think things through before getting back with him. Do you really want to spend your entire life walking on eggshells? When anything can make him angry and he would break up with you? Or do you want a stable, strong relationship? If you want the latter, you shouldn’t get back with him. I don’t think it’s possible to have a strong and stable relationship with him unless he makes some drastic changes in himself. And as you might already know, it’s impossible to change someone unless they really want to.

  • ml May 25, 2014, 3:44 pm

    My BF broke up with me 2 wks ago. At first I cried and tried talking to him in person, on the phone & by text. He refused to talk to me. Im now trying to not have contact with him & give him space but he’s making it hard. He’ll text me random things in the middle of the night after he’s been drinking (nothing mushy or about our relationship). Its very frustrating & confusing! What should I do?

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 11:04 am

      Don’t reply. If he calls you, pick up the phone and tell him you need some time and space.

      • ml May 29, 2014, 2:35 pm

        Thank you Kevin. I’ve gotten to the point where I put my phone away so I don’t hear it. But a couple of nights this week he’s called in the middle of the night asking if he could stay at my place because he’s too drunk to drive home. I did allow him to because I want him safe and don’t want him to hurt anyone. Kevin, I can tell he has feelings for me still but is scared & unsure. We talked briefly today. He asked I could still see a future for us. I said, “yes”. He replied with “right now I don’t. Maybe I will again but not now.” That hurt like heck but I stayed calm & quiet about it. After a few minutes all i said was “I don’t like what you said”
        Should i continue/reinstate no contact? What do I do if he aaks to stay again because he’s too drunk to drive? His drinking was the trigger to our problems to begin with.

        • Kevin May 30, 2014, 7:17 am

          Since it’s an issue of safety.I’ll have to say that you let him stay. But don’t talk to him about anything personal while he is there and ask him to leave in the morning. You should continue no contact for another month.

  • Carrie May 26, 2014, 9:00 am

    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. When we first got together I wanted us to be open with each other and to know almost everything about each other. Well I told him about my past with when I was in my big party days with friends. I was only 18 and I’m 27 now. I told him my friend and i was once in a somewhat threesome but it wasn’t a full sex threesome. I didn’t even have sex with the guy or friend just kissed her and kissed him. Well my friend and i have been friends for almost 10 years but he doesn’t like me hanging out with her because he doesn’t trust me with her. He thinks I am going to do that again and cheat on him. We both have grown up over the years. Yes sometimes we still like to go out and have some drinks but it’s nothing like when we were younger. We have grown up a lot. Well I’m going on vacation with her and we are not going to do anything wrong. Just enjoy the beach. All we do when we get together is laugh and enjoy being friends that’s all and my boyfriend seems to think i will do card stuff and cheat. Well he wants to break up with me because I’m going on vacation with her. He said he has no idea what will happen and he is not going to be an idiot so he wants to end our relationship. I would never do that to him and it is sad that he is wanting to break up over something that hasn’t even happened and won’t happen. We live together and now he is barely speaking to me. I don’t know what to do in this situation. We are stuck in a lease for a year. I can’t stand that we are barely speaking. He doesn’t even tell me he loves me or gives me a kiss or anything. It has been 4 days that its been like this. What should I do?

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 11:51 am

      Be calm, don’t act needy. If he wants to breakup, tell him clearly how ridiculous you think it is, but agree with him. Then start no contact and let him realize on his own the mistake he made. He is being completely irrational about this.

  • Hailee May 26, 2014, 1:23 pm

    Me and my ex broke up yesterday. We have been together for 6 months. He just wants to be friends in fact he wants to be BFFs. He told me that he was losing feelings for me a while ago but I thought he was joking but then, I relalized it was true after a while. He told me that I made him tired because I used to get mad really easily. He got tired of apologizing and making it up. It’s both of our first time dating. Recently there has been a lot going around 2014. So I’m really stressed. I couldn’t really focus on one thing. Since I started noticing that he was tired all of the worst things happened to me. My grandma got a coma and my mom and brother flew back to china to see her. I couldn’t because I’m still in school. I got a dog my mom didn’t like it so I had to give it to my friend. Now my mom says I can have it dog and i wanna get it back but, I gave it to my friend already. I’m losing everything in my life, he made me happy and he was the one there most of the time. I really don’t want him as a friend. I would do anything to get him back. He told me he does love me but not as a lover, as like a cousin or friend. I really don’t want to stop talking to him because Im scard if I stop talking to him, he might start forgetting about me. Also I’ll see him a lot because I have a few days of school left before summer and I have tennis practice over the summer for 3-4 days in a week. Please help me. I really don’t want to lose him in my life. I don’t want him as a friend. I want him as my boyfriend or husband in the future.

  • Hailee May 26, 2014, 2:18 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    I was wondering during NC. I want to read his messages but it will say that I read the message. Should I read it or not read it because he would know if I read it or not?

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 12:02 pm

      You can read it. As long as you don’t reply. If you have to reply, you can send him a text telling him you need some space and time right now.

  • red May 27, 2014, 4:35 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. Of course everyone is saying do not contact him and move on. However, our relationship has been great. He was overseas as a contractor for 4 months and the last month he was there, his company lost his contract and he had to come home and has not been able to find a job ever since. He admitted to be depressed about the job situation. We literally went every day talking and such and then to barely talking when he came home which caused me to send long drawn out emotional text messages and appear needy which I am not. He recently left to go to work in another for a bit and that’s when he ended it. He has told me a few times he needs space but has always broken that space by taking me out and such. I’m not sure what to do and it’s weird that I don’t feel like this is a total loss. A huge part of me and I guess my intuition tells me this is just a break for him to get his life back together. I don’t know and I don’t want to make excuses.

  • Natalie Kay May 27, 2014, 4:44 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    I’ve wrote to you before about my ex. I was doing NC….made it to day 8 and had a horrible relapse just now. I texted him once, then called him twice, then texted him one more time. He didn’t answer. So I messed that up pretty bad. And now there is probably no hope at all. I just think it’s cruel for him to do this, he broke up with me and doesn’t say ANYTHING!! At this point I’m pretty certain it’s over on his end or he would have replied in some manner. Maybe he blocked me so he didn’t get my messages/ calls. I don’t know. Either way, this is completely shitty and the feeling it has left me with is horrible.

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 1:02 pm

      Hey Natalie,

      You should start no contact again. Increase no contact to 45 days. After 45 days, send him the letter mentioned in this article. If still he doesn’t reply, send him the text mentioned in the article after a couple of weeks. If still no reply, then you can be sure that it’s over.

      • Natalie Kay May 29, 2014, 8:11 pm

        Hey Kevin,

        What do you think could be his reasons behind not replying…is he pissed that I’m still messaging him? Is he using NC on me to get over me? Possibly another girl…ugh. I hate when my mind runs wild.

        • Kevin May 30, 2014, 8:29 am

          It’s hard to say. It could be any of the reasons you mentioned.

          • Natalie Kay May 31, 2014, 5:40 pm

            Hey Kevin,

            I just found out today that my ex had met another girl at his church a month before he broke up with me, and that fueled his decision to leave. Ouch. She’s apparently funny and blahblahblah. Basically, it’s easier because she lives where he does, and I’m 3+ hours away. They hang out alot. I just don’t see how a guy can leave a girl he truly loves and hops into another relationship like what we had didn’t even matter. Pretty shitty. Looks to me like the chances of us getting back together are pretty slim…what do you think?

          • Kevin June 2, 2014, 1:12 pm

            There’s a chance that it could be a rebound relationship. Like you said, he didn’t leave you for her. It just fueled his decision.

  • Charli May 28, 2014, 12:03 am

    I was with a guy for 8 months and attend school with him. We were doing great. He explained to me that his ex was very emotionally abusive and got crazy and tried to fight a lot but they were together for 10+years and had split 3-4yrs ago. At the end of month 8 he asked to take a break because there was a lot going on in his personal life and I politely gave him what was asked and then 3weeks later he said he was going to try to work it out with his ex mainly for the kids. Now we still each other daily and he attempts to speak to me and I catch him staring quite a bit. What do I do,I beg someone give me some input?,

    • Kevin May 29, 2014, 1:13 pm

      Hey Charlie,

      If he wants to work things out with his ex, your chances are slim. You should try to move on. Ignore him at school and tell him that you need space and time and you’ll appreciate it if he leaves you alone.

  • jessica June 1, 2014, 2:10 pm

    Hi Kevin my bf of two year broke up with me he said not to look for him and not to contact him to leave him alone he said he doesn’t love me however he still has the same number and I emailed him and he emails me back…he hasn’t got rid of my belongings at his house before we broke up we had intercourse and everything was fine I don’t know maybe he cheated…what should I do kevin

  • Natalie Kay June 2, 2014, 2:37 pm

    “There’s a chance that it could be a rebound relationship. Like you said, he didn’t leave you for her. It just fueled his decision.”

    Kevin,

    I know he’d still be with me if it wasn’t for her. I’m doing crappy on the NC rule. I don’t contact him much. I talked to him on the phone on Saturday, and today. He said that he thinks he was able to go so fast into a new relationship because he was starting to distance himself emotionally at the end…because I guess the long distance was “wearing his heart down”. But the thing is, in THIS case. He really wants to try with this girl. He told me that. I even gave him solutions to the long distance problem. He still wants to talk to me, he has been answering his phone. He also said he doesn’t think he should because he said he doesn’t feel right about it because when we talk his feelings for me start to come back. I have been forcing myself to stay unemotional, and talk like how I was before he broke up with me. I told him that I signed up for a dating website and was trying to move on. When I talk to other guys, it’s a good distraction and I can forget about all the pain. Which is probably the same for him. He has been hanging out with this girl alot. And I know he likes her. He had always told me I was his “soulmate”. I asked him if he thinks this girl is his “soulmate”, and he said “i don’t know yet.” I feel like if I disappear for a long amount of time he will be able to forget about me and move on to her completely. This is so shitty kevin. I know I’ve been bugging you alot with this…but it’s really , really eating my mind!

    • Kevin June 3, 2014, 11:41 am

      Hey Natalie,

      I don’t think he will move on with her. Even though he feels like he wants to work it out with her, it’s still a rebound. And chances of a rebound relationship working are always less. So, NC is still your best option as it will give you time to regain your composure and become a happy person, which will make it easier to attract him back.

      • Natalie Kay June 3, 2014, 1:47 pm

        Kevin,

        Should I still do NC if he also has been saying that one reason we shouldn’t be talking is because he needs space so that he can finally see me as a friend and forget ‘feelings’? I guess that’s why I’m afraid to do NC…because I think that we will be severing our connection, and while doing that…he is spending all his time with this other girl and building up their connection/forgetting about me. I guess I’m just afraid that in 30-45 days I’ll contact him, and he’ll feel nothing for me anymore.

        • Kevin June 4, 2014, 12:35 pm

          If you keep contacting him, not only will he lose feelings for you, he will also respect you less because of your neediness. You have a better chance of attracting him back by doing no contact.

  • Abbi June 4, 2014, 4:35 am

    Hi Kevin,
    I finished 30 day no contact, text an upbeat message (the only method whereby I wasn’t blocked) and got a response. Chatted v. slowly across a day or so – recalling private jokes, teasing – some replies have been within minutes, some hours and not always that enthusiastic on his part. Then the texts got slower and slower – There only been like 10-15 exchanges. I feel worse now than before I contacted him, its been more than a day no response now – I didn’t stop the conversation in time to leave it on a high I guess. Feeling like such an idiot and still blocked on everything else.
    What do you suggest?

    • Kevin June 4, 2014, 3:01 pm

      Back off for a while again. I’d recommend two weeks. Then try again. If he is cold still, you should do NC for one month again. However, this time, you should seriously consider moving on.

  • Jennifer June 4, 2014, 5:05 am

    Dear Kevin, i need your help.
    Basically i was only dating this guy for a short 6 weeks. Everything was great he pursued me and showed me he was serious abouts us. However he suddenly ended it exactly a month ago (just after our date ended btw, we went for dinner and movie) saying that there is no spark anymore.
    I was so devastated. I texted him 2 days later saying thanks for everything since he had done so much for me and i really appreciated that. He responded nicely and then i went NC. A week later he texted me said to enjoy my short trip in another country. I replied aloof and nicely, no desperation whatsoever but the chat lasted only 2 days and he didnt initiate anymore.
    The next weekend i gave in and texted him. He again replied veryyyy nicely and it felt like the old times but the chat only lasted a day. The next weekend (just last sunday) stupidly I texted him again and we chatted nicely until last night when we both said good night. I dont think i will hear from him again soon. What should i do? I really want him back but i dont want to be the one who always initiate texts 🙁 is there any chance at all?

    • Kevin June 4, 2014, 3:08 pm

      Don’t initiate any texts for one month. After that, ask him to hang out. Read the 5 step plan.

      • Jennifer June 5, 2014, 12:17 am

        Thanks kev.. But how if he texts me during that one month?

        • Kevin June 5, 2014, 12:14 pm

          If he texts you, reply and have a normal conversation with him. You are only allowed to talk to him if he initiates.

          • Jennifer June 11, 2014, 3:43 am

            He finally initiates but we just keep a short conversation since he was going to board a plane soon. Then I just said safe flight and that was it. He didn’t initiate anymore. This was 2 days ago. What to do? Driving me crazy knowing i only must wait and wait and cant do anything to get him back

  • Louisa June 5, 2014, 8:39 am

    Hi Kevin,

    My first serious boyfriend left me exactly a week ago today as he said he didn’t love me as much anymore. I did everything I could to get him back but nothing worked. He has been spending some time with a girl he met the day before he broke up with me, is she a rebound? We are talking as friends now but it’s not the same. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he ignores me. He has asked how I’ve been, does he still care? I want to do all I can to have him back as I know I am right for him although he says I’m not the right girl for him. This all happened when we had an argument a week before he left, and I confronted him about a few things he was doing wrong, he hates being confronted about anything and always has to be right. He said since that argument he didn’t love me as much and doesn’t think the love will ever come back, then five hours after we split he said there are no feelings at all. How can I get him to have feelings for me again?

  • Ann June 7, 2014, 9:01 am

    My ex son’s father and I have had an off and on relationship for 4 years now. During our last 3 break ups, he gets back with his daughters’ mother within a month later. They last for several months to a year or so. Every time they break up though, he gets back with me within a week to a month later. During the last few times we dated, we last about 5 months now. We have stopped emailing each other 3 months ago because we couldn’t stop arguing over past relationships. That makes me think he still loves me, although he is with her. I don’t know how to make it out for our son. I could use some advice please!

    • Kevin June 8, 2014, 12:57 pm

      In my opinion, you should get out of this on and off relationship and move on. You and your son will have a much more stable and healthy life with him out of the picture.

  • RD June 13, 2014, 12:56 am

    Heyyy Kevin! So i my ex added me on fb and chatted me last night,after seeing me in an event for 4 days! the 1 one we spoke a bit but i thought that was it.I was speaking to him friendly,and i was the one who closed the chat and went to sleep because i read somewhere that you should be the one to stop the first convo…How should i be talking to him in order to make him know that i’m not here waiting for him or ready to fall for him head over heels again? How should i continue going from here? please guide me!

    • RD June 13, 2014, 4:00 pm

      He told me that my new hair color looks amazing on me, and that he was really happy to see me even if we didn’t talk that much..what does all this mean?

  • RD June 16, 2014, 5:25 pm

    Hey Kev… so,my ex contacted me and he wants to get back together..we broke up before 2,5 months (i told you the story before),but since then,i met this new guy,who is 22 and 17..he lives in a different city than me,2 hours away,but he comes to mine really often because his family is here.We’ve been talking on skype for more than 5 hours a day,and he is really great.He is really mature and he knows what a woman wants..He’s been great to me,listening me and have been here for me,i really like him and i can see a future with him…Before my ex initiated contact with me,i have been missing him a lot but now i don’t know…I really like this new guy but i still love my ex and i know that my ex loves me.This new guy is black and my father is really racist so if i want to date him,i will have to do it one year secretly since i’m going to France to study in one year,and we’ve been talking with this new guy that he can come to visit me (we aren’t together yet)…But then i don’t know if i can have a long distance relationship with him without even having it close at first..I love my ex and want to give it a shot but i don’t want to go back to the same old stuff,having him hurt me over and over again,make me cry,and just break up with me so easily like he did before…I know that this new guy would never hurt me like that and i’m afraid if i stop talking to him for my ex,and i get hurt,i will regret it deeply letting him go because he is really great..please help me ASAP !! thankss!Any other responses are welcome

  • Jack July 8, 2014, 12:01 am

    Hello Kevin,
    I met this girl in a college class. We were friends for quite a few months before we became a couple. We dated for about a year. She is in the Air Force and I supported her constantly through her 9 months of training by writing to her and always being there for her. About a month ago we both confessed that we had both cheated on each other. We worked through it and although it was hard things felt fine and went back to normal. She was gone in training for about 9 months and in that time I go to see her 3 or 4 times. Then a week ago, the week before she was going to be home for good, she said that she couldn’t do this any more and dumped me. I was and still am dumbstruck. Her and I had a connection unlike any other. She fully gave me her heart and we had discussed the possibility of marriage. When we broke up she told me she still loved me. She is the type of woman who doesn’t ever talk to her ex’s again and told me that she doesn’t want to ever talk again even though we both had such a close intimate (spiritually and mentally, not physically) relationship. I haven’t contacted her and am following the 30 day no contact rule! Is there anything else I can do to win this dream woman back? Thank you very much.

    Best Regards,
    Jack

    • Kevin July 9, 2014, 11:28 am

      Hey Jack,

      It sucks. But have you considered the possibility that she dumped you because she is cheating on you again? Think about it during NC. I’ll recommend you do NC for more than 30 days. Preferably 3 months.

  • Katie July 8, 2014, 1:01 pm

    Kevin,
    I started dating my ex a few weeks after him and his girlfriend of two years broke up. Yes, i technically was the rebound but we actually ended up dating for over a year and he never treated me as one. He stopped contact with his ex after awhile because he knew it would improve our relationship. Recently we broke up for other reasons and at the beginning i was a little desperate to work things out but i started no contact right away. During no contact, i saw him become friends with his ex girlfriend before me and start talking to her again. Is she a rebound now or is he still in love with her? I know he still views my social media sites so he is still curious. But is he totally done with me now that he’s communicating with his ex? Or is it possible i can still make him fall for me again and not her?

    • Kevin July 10, 2014, 9:56 am

      Hey Katie,

      It’s very hard to say if she will be a rebound now. There’s a chance he still has feelings for her. However, I don’t think he is totally done with you and you definitely have a chance of getting him back. But I’ll recommend you try it only once and if things don’t work out, you should move on.

  • Siddiqa July 9, 2014, 8:58 pm

    Hey I am still under the NC phase however I did speak to my boyfriend before this and he would usually give one word answers “ok” “no problem” I’m worried what if I send him a text saying along these lines… “something reminded of you” and his answer is an “ok”. What should I do theN? Should I try and make a conversation by saying how are you? Or what?

    Thanks !

    • Kevin July 11, 2014, 6:28 am

      Hey,

      Well, include a “How are you” in the text. It’ll minimize the chances of him replying with a short text.

  • jay July 10, 2014, 5:05 pm

    Hi kevin,
    So me and my ex stopped talking 2 months ago, he told me he needed a break and didn’t have time for girls. The next day he blocked me on facebook and also blocked my number, I found out through a freind he was in a relationship the same day. I seen him a week later we argued and it got heated he told me his new relationship ‘just happened’ when I asked if he loved her he said no they hadn’t got round to saying that yet. Anyway I haven’t spoken to or seen him since that night, the weekend just gone he approached my friend on a night out (I wasn’t there) he asked her how I was doing, asked a few times if I was back with my ex and said he didn’t believe my friend when she said no, he also said he hopes iam happy because I’m a lovely girl but I had to many problems and eventhough he is with someone else he wishes me all the luck. Is this new relationship a rebound and is that him basically saying he is over me?

    Kind regards,
    Jay.

    • Kevin July 11, 2014, 9:26 am

      A rebound. Although, there’s a good chance he started things with that girl before he ended it with you. You should try the 5 step plan. If it doesn’t work, move on.

      • jay July 11, 2014, 4:16 pm

        I was thinking he could have started things with her before me, he seemed kind of distant in the week’s running up to everything that happened, one more thing kevin all that stuff he said to my friend does that mean theres still feelings there or is he giving me the blow off?

        Thanks,
        Jay.

        • Kevin July 13, 2014, 10:48 am

          It means he still has feelings for you. But it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get back together.

          • jay July 13, 2014, 3:18 pm

            Hey kevin,
            So I seen my ex last night for the first time in 6 weeks at first he didn’t acknowledge the fact he had seen me but then I smiled and he smiled. I changed bars and went to another one after half an hour my ex walked in and seen me talking to a guy he came over and talked to my freinds and I spoke to him we at down and had a drink he told me he wasn’t happy with the new girl (who he got in to a relationship with after me) but he is living with her (after just 6 weeks) he told me they have split up twice already and he also said she tries to control him by telling him to not go out with friends and things like that. Anyway we spoke for a good hour we had a few cuddles but a few things stuck out, he had a charity wrist band on and told me he had that on when we were together and that he won’t take it off, he had the aftershave on I bought him for Christmas, he also said he has been checking his phone for the last 6 weeks to see if I have text him, and he said he rides past my house on his motorbike just out of curiousity, he also saidthat our song had been played in one a bar earlier on in the night. He said we can be friends but I still feel as if there is something between us he told me he would see me the weekend after next as the weekend coming up he is away for the weekend (with the new girl) but he said he would see me when he is out the weekend after he said I could text him one time (I text him when I arrived home last night and said thanks for the talk I haven’t text him since then) but I haven’t had a reply and I also think my number may still be blocked as iam still blocked on facebook. Any advice on this would be great.

            Thanks,
            Jay.

          • Kevin July 14, 2014, 7:42 am

            Hey Jay,

            Don’t message him until he messages you first. I think you should just play it cool and let him make all the moves. Continue working on yourself and start going on dates if you think you are ready for it.

  • Anh July 12, 2014, 1:30 pm

    Hi Kevin,

    Im glad Ive found your blog! I enjoyed what I read so far! Still dont get me wrong as since im serious about getting my ex back so I did lots of research about relationship books! I hv actually purchased one which I didnt really find it could work my case out!

    I have been with this guy for 6 months and every been great at least I thought so.. He was the most honest person I know apart from my family! We fell in love as quicky as everything happened! We were nearly living with each other.

    I could feel that everything happen so fast and sometime i ignored the thought of slow thing down abit because i couldnt stand the thought of not being with him everyday, as even i could feel he might think the same that everything happened so fast!

    He has drinking problem!!! Its not like he has to drink everyday.. Its only friday thing so i was cool with it at 1st… As we got closer and i spent more time at his… Everytime he got back drunk he got so negative which i couldnt stand and wanted to work thing out by not seeing him on fri night. But it didnt work out really well as 2 weeks after that he was keep being crazy even we not seeing each other. He called me up in the middle of the night and asked to see me, waited outside my house for 2 hours!

    Then i thought maybe i would wait at home so he would get to see me when he back as well as i know he got back safe!

    But thing got worse with his drunkness! Everything beside that was great! He was the one that wait for me at home and cook me dinner! He kept me posted with whatever he up to and i never had a thought about what if he not get back to me cause he always did!

    I decided to try to ignore that one problem about his drinking problem so we could continute the good parts… Eventho i knew it was not healthy that way!

    As thing got worse and there was one time i recored the whole convo we had when he drunk!!! Those normally about negative saying and stuff as we shouldnt be together or things that he concerned but didnt want to concern my thought when he sober!

    I sent that to him in the next morning and left hang out with friends. When i got back he was out and i couldnt reach him! Then he left message as want to break up!

    I was all panic and did all crazy things that i could never imagine myself doing when i am my normal self! I know i was only push him away further! He also think im crazy now!

    And its over a month since the break up happened but i didnt really give up but kept trying what i thought can make thing better and obviously got opposite results! I got more hurt and end up missing him crazy… So i shot him 1 last message before i commit myself to the NC period! He replied but didnt sound very likely we r gonna be back together eventually! I convinced myself to move on alr but a big part of me still believe in what we have had was real and beautiful!

    So here i am… Offically the 7th day of my NC but please note the break up happen over a month ago!!! Do u think if its posible we would get back together? I can go details about my convo with him so u may know better about the situation!

    Also I messaged me last night which I assumed a drunk txt! He txted “mate, im for a shindig”

    I would appreciate very much if u could give me some advices!

    Have a great day!

    Cheers

    • Kevin July 13, 2014, 11:34 am

      Hey Anh,

      He has a drinking problem. And there’s no sign of that going away. I know things might be great despite that, but that doesn’t change the fact that he has a problem and if you choose to be with him, you will have to stay with his problem as well. Whether or not he will work on that problem is an entirely different issue. From what I’ve heard (I am no expert in alcoholism, it’s just from what I heard and read about it), people with drinking problems only look for help once they’ve hit rock bottom. Perhaps, the breakup with you is him heading towards his rock bottom. Perhaps he will get back in touch with you once he has solved his issues. But this is all conjecture. What we know right now is that he has a problem. A problem that is going to affect your life in a major way if you choose to stay with him. Are you still willing to stay with him?

  • Madison July 13, 2014, 4:25 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex told me 4 months ago he needed a break after being together 9 years he is 42 i am 35. After that I went into desperate needy etc all the things you are not supposed to do…sometimes he would agree to possibly meeting to talk only to change his mind..then said to me he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now and that he just needs time. Well yet again i would go a few days and text him again only for it to turn angry last week. He said all I am doing is making him hate me and to move on and he doesnt love me or isn’t in love with me anymore and to move on…they day after that i emailed him and said things were a bit harsh etc.and that i agree time is what is needed…He replied with “why so you can text and all me all day everyday” I presume NC is the best idea here..do you think this is truly done? I have yet to give him the space or time he asked for in the beginning of this.
    Thanks!

    • Kevin July 14, 2014, 7:44 am

      Yes, NC is the best thing to do right now. I think you still have a chance.

  • Jackie July 17, 2014, 11:15 am

    hey kevin,

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and things were going great until now. He feels like he cant trust me because i was not completly honest about my past relationship. I have never cheated on him but now he thinks that I have. he is so back and forth about his feeling. One day he says he is trying regain trust then the next he is sending me mean text messages. not to mention I dont get a long with his family. I think and feel like we are done for good although I dont want to be, he is my best friend! He wont respond to any of my messages or calls now for 2 days. is it too late to save this relationship? do i need to give him the space and the NC ? Thanks for listening!:)

  • ailana August 10, 2014, 10:59 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    Sometimes my husband says he wants to do no contact because it hurts him to talk to me because he knows I’m hurt and sad by him leaving me and dating someone new, but we still communicate, sometimes he calls first and sometimes I do. I’d like to believe there is a sign somewhere in that scenario that would indicate a glimmer of hope that my husband and I have a good chance to reconcile, so with fingers crossed, I will be attempting no contact this week.

  • nomoremrniceguy August 27, 2014, 9:06 am

    30 days no contact? Ha! How about 2 full years and he still wont talk to you? How can a person be so stubborn? 2 whole years and he is still holding a grudge. Truth is, I did nothing wrong, but tell him how I really felt about him, which he already knew because I expressed it all the time. And he tried to make it seem like I was the problem, but after he came to his revelation about me, how convenient was it that he already had a “girlfriend”? They knew each other quite well, too. I understand that we weren’t official. I understand that he didn’t feel the same way as I did. But he was supposed to be my “friend forever.” He didn’t care that I was a gay guy and he loved me. At least that is what he said. How was I supposed to know that you weren’t into me like that if you were constantly flirting with me and saying questionable things? I tell you I like you and you go mute after hearing me saying it numerous times?! Then when I see you, you’re telling me that I make you feel uncomfortable and that you can’t even speak to me…but just a week ago, you were my baby. Just a week ago, you were smiling ear to ear…rushing home from the corner store to talk to ME…but now I make you feel uncomfortable and you can’t speak to me? I guess you praised to Allah and he gave you an answer OR deep down inside you felt the same way I did and you thought getting rid of me would help you to repress those feelings OR you met some girl who you were comfortable having those feelings for and you saw that as an opportunity to get rid of me OR all I really was to you was entertainment…nothing more…nothing less.

    I don’t want to be his lover. I just wanted to be his friend and see how he was doing, but he completely blew me off when I messaged him on Facebook. He didn’t even add me as a friend. Any person who can hold a grudge for two full years over nothing and doesn’t even give a person the courtesy of acknowledging their presence after reaching out is a person I want nothing to do with. His heart has to be made of ice. I wished him well during those full 2 years apart, but now I hope that he finds someone he is truly mad about and she or he treats him the same way he has treated me. And I hope he carries the pain from the aftermath of that relationship from THE duration of his life. This is why humans weren’t given powers because Lord knows I’d probably use them to get even.

  • roggy September 2, 2014, 3:00 pm

    Hey Kevin,
    Ok this is 4th time i’m trying to contact you but no reply. Please i need your help badly.
    Me and my ex broke up 3 months earlier. After a month of no contact i realized that i need to get her back at any cost. So i got you. Your mails helped alot and then we started talking again but just as friends. I could have won her heart again but suddenly one of my friends messed up everything by texting her. She got mad and then complained me. I was a little busy in my exams so i could’nt handle that situation properly. After another month of NC i wished her birthday 4 days earlier, she replied thnx and ended coversation. i texted her again but she didn’t reply. What should i do now? please need your suggestion it helped me previously and i hope it will help me again if you reply. So please kindly reply me kevin. HELP!

    • Kevin September 3, 2014, 11:28 am

      Hey Roggy,

      Try a couple of weeks of no contact again. You can apologise for your mistake and use the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan to get back in touch.

  • H September 4, 2014, 10:01 am

    Hi Kevin, been trying to leave a msg to no avail. We broke up about a week ago and I have since started the NC. However, is the 5 step manual gonna work if the reasons he cited for breakup were:

    1. He does not love me anymore
    2. Our characters are not compatible, and we have tried hard enough.

    (he has initiated breakup twice before this final break, but I convinced him to try and work it out for the past two times)

    Please reply!!!

    • Kevin September 4, 2014, 10:09 am

      Do you think you two are compatible? If so, then it might work. But if you two truly are not compatible, then even if you two get back together, you will eventually breakup. So before contacting him again, you should be absolutely sure that you and him can have a healthy and long lasting relationship with each other.

  • H September 4, 2014, 10:15 am

    Thank you for the reply!

    My qns is, how do I assess whether we are compatible? I mean, throughout the one year that I was with him, I was happy most of the time, until I found out he lied to me. He didn’t cheat, but he lied saying he was at home sleeping when he actually went to meet a female friend one on one. His reason was that if he had been honest with me, I wouldn’t have allowed him to go meet his friend, even tho they had nothing going on.

    So since I discovered his lie, the relationship went downhill cos I couldn’t trust him; I was constantly doubting whether he was lying to me. That sort of led to the tension and break up.

    Another qn, if he claims he does not have anymore feelings for me, is it still possible to get him back, and how?

    • Kevin September 8, 2014, 11:28 am

      That’s a big question and I don’t think I can answer it fully in a comment. I’ve answered it to some extent in this article.

      For your second question, yes, it’s possible to bring back the feelings in him when you contact him after no contact period ends.

  • Julie September 16, 2014, 8:11 pm

    Me and my ex broke up for the second time a week ago. Something had been off in our relationship and a after a few weeks of us being distant he decided to break up with me. I thought it was just a rough patch because we had been so amazing to weeks prior and he was saying how much he loved me and couldn’t see himself ever being with anyone else. He told me I was an amazing girl, that he still loved me, but wasn’t happy in the relationship anymore. He said he still wanted to stay friends because he didn’t want to lose me in his life so he texted me the next day and we haven’t spoken at all since. It has been a whole week and I thought he wouldv’e tried to contact me by now. I have been good with the no contact rule, but I’m scared if I don’t initiate contact soon that he’s going to forget about me. I still feel like we have a lot of love for each other but I’m scared I’ll never be able to get him back if he doesn’t contact me, but I’m not sure if I should contact him. Can I have some advice? We had been dating for a year and a half.

    • Kevin September 17, 2014, 8:00 am

      It’s OK. He won’t forget you. You don’t forget someone you dated for one and a half year in a month. Continue no contact.

  • John September 21, 2014, 8:26 pm

    Well to start off, me and my best friend have known each other for about 4 years now. We have been dating for 14 months. We broke up about 3 weeks ago. This is our second break up. I know that we are a good and strong couple, but the problems that led to our breakup are generally provided by me and are the same problems that led to the first break up. I get jealous when she goes out, I want to see her all the time, and sex has become a big issue because she says I just want to have sex every time we see each other. I have taken these 3 weeks off; contacted her about 2-3 times and I tried to convince her that I’m going to change, and I feel like I can do it this time around. She’s just tired of this, and says that she can’t do it anymore for the time being, yet she says one day we can be together again, but not now. I told her if she could just ‘try me’, and to take things slowly. Like dating and giving each other space in the mean time. She just says no. What do I do to convince her? I have 3 days with NO CONTACT. It gets harder each day, please reply, I really need some advice. Thanks in advance.

  • Candice hill October 1, 2014, 3:49 pm

    Great article and I would love to try it but what do you do when you and the person are from the same place,live walking distant apart? Hang out at the same place and have the same friends. I can do the part of the rule that I don’t text him or anything but I won’t be able to not see him. How does that work?

    • Kevin October 2, 2014, 4:54 am

      When you see him, just act casual and keep the conversations as short as possible. It’s going to be extremely difficult if you two hangout with the same friends. I’ll recommend going on a holiday if possible or finding new friends to hang out with.

  • ClarisS October 9, 2014, 11:09 am

    Hello Kevin,
    I would love to get an advice from you. My boyfriend broke up with me, it’s been a month now, but i kept on contacting him, because he didn’t do anything wrong. He just said that he doesn’t love me anymore and he is too young for this kind of relationship (we were together for about 16 months). So i get that. And first he told me that he would love to be with me in a year. Like that i’m perfect for him, but it’s just not the time yet (my friends say that it was just some phrase to calm me down, that guys say). Well so i thought it could be ok again in some time. But i kept on texting him and being needy and i was trying to convince him to be with me.. Then he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me and since then he stopped saying the stupid thing about being with me in one year. I feel really ashamed because i wrote him for the whole month after all of that. And today after the whole month i decided to start no conntact rule. I deleted him on facebook and even his number (but my friend has it so i can ask her later) and i told him i want to end this for myself. But still I just hope he will come back to me.. I can’t imagine him being with some other girl .. I just hope that he contacts me in some time.. but i doubt that it will be in thirty days .. I just need to get my life together and maybe then .. if i still want to .. what do you think? should i do something else? Should i still contact him after 30 days? because it seems like it’s really short time for him to miss me..
    Thank you for your answer 🙂

    • Kevin October 10, 2014, 10:46 am

      Hey Claris,

      If you think you are ready after 30 days (no longer needy and you’ve accepted the breakup and will be fine no matter what the outcome is and you think getting together is a good idea), then you should contact him. Right now is not the time to think about contacting him. Right now, you should just be concentrating on yourself. Think about contacting a few days before no contact is over.

  • Yvette October 27, 2014, 3:00 pm

    Okay, so I read all the articles you mention in this site. Gonna start the 5-step plan, i am nervous, scare of the outcome, and hope this will end my heartaching pain. :’-(

  • Anonymous October 29, 2014, 7:24 pm

    Hello,well after reading these wonderful posts I am sort of understanding what should I do about my unstable relationship. Well, this person I had been dating for complete a year now almost two years, we were in a yr relationship and he loved me very much at least what I can say and think, I hid part of my identity from him as it started from a online source and I was basically wasn’t serious until he started to come in the town to meet with me and intimacy started to occur,in the beginning he was acting fine with me as in being intimate but of course wasn’t totally okay. Its been now almost one year since we last met, and during that time he barely answered my phone calls and text messages,whenever we’d talk he’d want intimacy and all that but then he went away and even blocked me from all the social networks and the messages apps plus phone numbers and everything,once I texted him and then one day we talked that’s probably the last night time we talked and webcam each other about 6 months now.. He barely contacted me and if he did, he’d say ‘hey’ or ‘i won’t talk to u again’ yet send me small tiny text messages somewhere when I disappear and when I write in paragraphs he’s all ignoring me and saying ‘lol’ I do not know exactly what’s the case with him, yet am confused at what should I exactly do. I talked with these people on his social network(women/girls) who he seem close with, and she showed him all the arguments we had(that girl and my fights), he got really furious and blocked me again after i texted him a picture of me and told him to take care of himself plus said a lot of things about reminding him of old things related to us, i did sent him a lot o desperate text messages and all that in past 10 months,and at that time he told me that ‘don’t ever try to get close to me’,after that I made up couple of things up for him to answer my calls and reunite but as soon as he hears my ‘hello’ he hangs up, I called him from a skype number though many times. As of now, I had made all mistakes I possibly could had done, and this guy did ask me for a arousing picture of myself recently, anyhow I am putting up the no contact rule up just hope it works for him to reach out, but is there anything else I should consider doing?

  • PoopedOut November 25, 2014, 11:10 am

    I think there’s a point where they’re really just done. I had a 5 year relationship (marriage) with my ex. We had issues within the first 4 months, and we fought a lot. We were really in love and perfect until the first break up, then each succeeding breakup after that got worse and worse. There were so many small and major breakups and pain we caused each other after that I can’t even count them all. But when we finally moved apart (at the 4 year mark), I felt he really just was done with me so I accepted it and tried to move on. I met someone else through a friend of a friend online that was long distance who charmed me off my feet and distracted me from even thinking about my ex. So I unconsciously applied the no contact. Just after a month later I started getting a trickle of texts from him just trying to start a conversation which I replied to tersely. Then he finally texted me he really wanted me back and wanted to start fresh and was committed to it when he saw I didn’t need him anymore. Long story short, we did end up getting back together and he was trying really hard to be great to me, but I kept feeling like he owed me, for leaving me after he cheated on me with so many people so blatantly. So after a couple of months of the passion of getting back together we were back to a cold distance and mild hate. And 3 months after that I ended it, because I felt I deserved better than to stay with someone who can’t even give me what he said he would commit after I let him back. The horrible thing is a few months after my major decision I wanted him back more than ever. But he finally had moved on. I became shamelessly clingy and needy wanting him back like I had never done before the more he pushed me away. And he would literally tell me he didn’t love me, I need to go away. He ignored all my calls, and texts, and just didn’t care at all. I stopped bothering him for months, and he didn’t initiate contact with me. I found out eventually he was sleeping with other women and even had a 6 months relationship with someone already, we started talking again, and having casual sex after 7 months apart, although he doesn’t initiate contact at all or have a need to answer more than he needs to when speaking to me on a daily basis. Strangely I keep not accepting the finality of it even though it is completely obvious he will never come back to me. I think my mind has been tricked into thinking it’s over so many times before and he kept wanting me back that it’s strangely stuck in believing it will happen again. And because this is the first time I ended the relationship, it seems I feel I have the power to change it. I hope this was insightful for anyone trying to understand their own torn feelings.

  • Shell May 24, 2015, 1:10 am

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex and I was together for 5 months. I moved in with him after 3 months of being together only because of financial circumstances. While I was with him I started my new career and then things with us started falling apart, he wanted me to work out and lose weight so I did that I ate healthy and lost 60 pounds in such little time. A couple weeks ago my sister and her friend came over to our apartment and dropped off his gate key because she stayed with us for a week.

    We were doing wonderful and when they came over his attitude started changing and he told me he no longer wanted to be with me because of my sister and her friend telling lies about me which he believed it and he believed it so much it started coming a reality to him. Well one day he left and went to his parents house and told me he is not happy and I have one week to move out and find a place to stay. I didn’t take him seriously because he had said it in the past when we argued and we always got past that. Anyway, He threw me and all of my stuff out of the apartment yesterday and he told me that I can never get him back he said “thank your sister and her friend for my decision” but before he said that a day before he said “if you want to win me back make things right with your sister and lose weight. I also hope you continue to lose weight and make me realize if I made a bad decision or not”.

    I went into panic mode and started the clingyness, stalking him at work, and blowing up his phone. Well he met someone else a week ago and he said he has a new girlfriend while I was staying at his place. He wouldn’t come home for 2 weeks I had to stay at his work til he got off just to see him and he pushed me away calling me crazy and telling me he is not attracted to me and telling me im fat. Then he sped off really fast. I texted him today and told him he still had some of my stuff in his closet and my vacuum. He said “your vacuum is safe and let me know when you want to come get the rest of your stuff.” I then brought up the new girl and he said I told her how you are and I am getting a restraining order on you” My question to you is how do I get him back? He started seeing her right after he broke up with me. Do you think she is just a rebound or something more? He has become attached to my kids and asked about my son on Thurday.

    When we were together he took my son to meet his son and they all went to the arcade and movies together and had a great time then the following week is when my sister started drama with us. He still talks to my sister and she is still feeding him lies. What should I do? I no longer talk to my sister since the break up. How can I win him back and get on his good side for him to want me back?

    • Kevin May 26, 2015, 11:30 am

      Hey Shell,

      To be honest, he sounds like a jerk and I really think you deserve a lot better than him. I know that right now you feel like he is the one and if your sister hadn’t done what she did, you two would have lived happily ever after. But trust me, it’s not the case. If anyone can make him break up with you and act like a complete jerk, then I think he was just looking for an excuse. And your sister gave him one.

      I know you still want him back, but I think you should move on. Even if you don’t want to listen to my advice and try to get him back, you should do at least 2 months of no contact. Make some positive changes in your life and try going on a few dates. Learn to be happy without him. You have started a new career, concentrate on that. Concentrate on being healthy (not just losing weight). Do things that make you happy. After 2 months of no contact, if you still want him back, send him a text. Keep things short and don’t be needy. But I truly hope you will realise what a jerk he has been during these 2 months.

  • cindy July 14, 2015, 1:13 am

    My ex and I were together for 5 years and then out of no where he told me he wanted to be just friends.. he says he felt sorry for me and couldn’t end the relationship sooner.. I told him I didnt want to talk to him and he asked if we can talk when he picks up the car (which ge gave me and now wants it back) so its been 1 week and he texts me and I text back (which breaks the no contact rule) but I stopped replying. So I started the no contact rule all over again. And hasnt texted at all.. we are supposed to meet up in a week because he asked for his car back (which he gave me) and talk .. i told him I didnt want to and he said that he wants to.. I really dont know what about… if he got what he always wanted (with breaking up with me)

    • Kevin July 14, 2015, 10:43 am

      Tell him that you need some space and time and you will be happy to talk after enough time has passed. Then do no contact. For the car, you can send a friend instead of going yourself.

  • Shana November 7, 2015, 12:05 pm

    Where is my comment?

    • Kevin November 9, 2015, 4:02 am

      Hey,

      The comments on this website are heavily moderated and I rarely approve any new comments. If you have questions, please post them on the message boards.

  • Rabia May 3, 2016, 4:18 am

    If you wont moderate comments here then people wont be able to benefirlt from this article.

    • Kevin May 3, 2016, 9:19 am

      Rabia,

      I do not approve new comments anymore. You can post your questions on the message boards.

  • Thomas Robertson July 9, 2016, 2:52 pm

    So I’m speaking to her now after about three weeks. Two days in a row there is still a lot of love between us I cheated with my baby’s mother to see if there was anything left for my child due to the fact the mother use my daughter as a pon. I am in love with my girlfriend but thinks I was playing her when that wasn’t the case. I want to keep in contacts but not to pushy and give her time and space but want to win her back . I think she knows I love her . I have been around her twice and the feeling of love is strong for both of us like nothing ever left . How do I keep in contact to win her back with out being to push and putting pressure on her?

    • Kevin July 12, 2016, 2:51 am

      Hey Thomas,

      Tell her that you understand her need for space and you will be there for her if she needs you. Let her know that you understand how she feels betrayed but you are willing to do whatever it takes to earn her trust back. Do limited contact after that (only talk to her if she initiates) and meanwhile, try to do things that show her that you are serious about earning back her trust and never betraying her again. Things such as personal counseling really shows that you are willing to make internal change to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

  • Blaqswan April 8, 2017, 6:44 pm

    My ex that I have children with and have known for 25 years has recently stopped speaking to me, he goes through our children by telling them how angry he is at me and can not speak to me or see me, yet tells them he loves me so much. The baffling part is .. every conversation he has he speaks about me, yet he claims he doesn’t wish to deal with me at all. He also told our daughter that he doesn’t want to speak to me for fear that whatever he says he won’t be able to take back. I have texted him and he hasn’t responded but I know he gets abs hears my messages because he will tell our kids.. and sometimes if I tell him to do something he will. Weird … I feel like he hasn’t gotten over me and his attempt to ” stay away ” is all a front .. thoughts?

    • Kevin April 10, 2017, 3:14 am

      Hey,

      Yes, it does seem that way. I am not sure what has caused him to be like this but you should do no contact and try speaking to him calmly. Give him some space and time to figure out what he wants and work on yourself while he is doing so. Work on your communication skills and try to speak to him when you are ready.

  • V* June 26, 2017, 4:02 pm

    Hey kevin thanks for this..was in a long distance relationship with this guy..and everytime i was the one who contacted him always..he was a hard working guy who always encouraged me to use ma skills too to work..sometimes i wasn’t even sure whether we were dating or not..evertime he came back to my country, i would have like one sleep over and the next time i wanted one, he could put up something..and most of the time i ended up concluding that maybe he was with someone else..i always concluded in a negative way..so this year he came back but i was ready to stay with him for all the days he was here till he got back..everytime i wanted to meet..he would either say he was busy or not around..since he was never in the country..i missed him n everytime he came back, i wanted to b with him or see him…he ended telling me tht “i was all about meeting”..tht i had to do something productive..this is a guy i hadn’t seen in 1 and ahalf years..time cam he stopped chatting..i wondered why and he concluded by telling me tht “i made him distant”..i dont really know what i did to make him distant..any help..he hasn’t talked to me in 15 days..he never replies to any of my texts and i really want to talk to him.. what should i do?

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